thisiswheremybullshitgoes

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Me(✨an empath✨): I'm sensing something is bothering you.

Man(✨bleeding out✨): WHY ARENT YOU CALLING 911???

#comedy #writing #funny #jokes #emotions #caring #helpful #sending positive vibes #goodforu

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Americans: hey could y'all start making it more affordable to be alive? We're all really kind of struggling right now.

U.S. Economy:

#nightmare economy

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

With how awful the world is right now I think one thing that would really help us is if all of the celebrities got together again & sang us their credit card numbers.

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Saying "bye" on the phone is boring and outdated so instead spice things up by using:

"This ends now"

"You will hear from me again when the time is right"

"Keep it slippery, sack bag"

"Sorry but duty is calling and I never let it go to voicemail"

*soft moan*

*sopranos call end where you hang up mid sente-

"I got too many things in my hands and I'm trying to juggle'em all but it's too much and I can't drive like this awwhhh my coffee awwwh it's eeevvveerryywwehhhereee

Blep

#phone call #hang up #call end #phone #conversation #comedy #funny #writing #jokes #talk #talkin #talking

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

People will step outside in temperatures that immediately have you sweating from every crevice, humidity so thick you can't breathe, and 6000 mosquitoes facefucking your bloodstream with their mouth needles and go

"YAAASS PERFECT WEATHER!!! 😍😍😍"

Get the fuck out of here you camel

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Met this beautiful dame that was tall, dark, and had legs for days.

Weeks even.

Hell, she had month legs that stretched on for years. Very long leggy leggy legs.

Goddamn woman when them legs end??? Where is the top of you?????

#leg

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

When you're not completely straight each month & you're not completely gay each month you're bimonthly.

#pride flag #pride month #happy pride 🌈 #comedy #funny #writing #jokes #art

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Oh hell yeah bby, I'm gonna adverb verb your adjective noun so hard

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

*I am trapped in a room where the walls are slowly closing in together on me with no hope of escape*

Villian: "any last words?"

Me: "CRUNCHATIZE ME CAPTAIN"

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Wats that thing where u eat da chiken and then u get the salmonmelon???

Salviamanilla??

Sam-n-ella??

Where u be shittin from da raw

#food #questions #poison #curious #need answers #cooks #lemme know #pink #chiken #chicken #cooking #why it be like that #what do #idk #help #bad #not good #words #spelling #spell check #question #do u know

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

YOU

ME

2023 JEEP GLADIATOR

30 MILES OF ROUGH MUDDY TERRAIN

WE'RE STRAPPED INTO THE JEEP'S BED

TWO HOT GLUE GUNS

2500 RHINESTONES

10 JACKETS WAITING TO BE SEQUINED

1 HOUR TO COMPLETE

WE'RE DOING EXTREME OFF-ROAD BEDAZZLIN'

#extreme #offroad #off road #warriors #fashion #intense #mudding #rough #sports #comedy #funny #jokes #writing #passion #skillz #bedazzled #sequins #jackets #challenge #new

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Her: you better have money if you wanna eat this 😼

Me: do u take food stamps

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

There comes a time in everyone's lives when they will reach a certain age.

And things will change and they'll realize this because when they reach that age?

It will be different from the age they just once were before previously.

-How politicians talk about anything.

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Law and Order Episode 204,687

Frank Cosgrove and Jalen Shaw arrive at the scene of the DUN DUN. A crime blanket is covering all of the death evidence.

Frank: what has happened?

Jalen: You are old. Use your detective vision.

Frank scans with his investigation eyes.

Frank: the park has been murdered.

Jalen: this is correct. Someone has done killing. Maybe Box Man has plot progression.

DUN DUN

Box Man is outside with so many boxes and so little time to move them from truck to larger truck.

Frank: Box Man, have you seen witness crime night? It was earlier before later yesterday.

Box Man: I GOT ALL THESE BOXES AND NO TIME FOR CRIME!

The boxes are multiplying. There is so many.

Jalen: have you seen anything else with your box eyes?

Box Man remembers a non-box thing.

Box Man: well now that you have asked me twice, I did see a shadow covered in knives run from park.

Frank: Park? That is victim. Victim also was knived. This is vital. We must now leave because the dun duns.

DUN DUN

They arrive at the scene of where they have arrived. The shadow tries to run.

Frank attempts to tackle shadow but fails because he is old. His knees crave justice. Jalen shoots shadow with her cop gun.

Shadow was Park Rake the whole time.

Park Rake: I had to do it. Park was costing fortune. With park murdered I could be free from debt and foliage.

Jalen: did we do police?

Frank: we did law and now there is order.

Show fades out to several dun duns.

Directed by: A Wolf Dick

#law and order #law and order imagine #writing #comedy #art #jokes #funny #crime fiction #crime #drama #goofy #writing is my passion

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

Did you know?

You don't have to wear socks.

You can just make jello in your shoes and slide your naked feet into the gelatinous mixture. Really get'em all jelloy. People will hear the squishing noises and think, "hey whats going on with all that squishin?"

And then you'll say "my shoes are filled to the brim with jello and bare feet."

And they will judge you. Do not let this bother you. Most people are afraid of innovation and change. But you are standing in the clouds.

Clouds made of jello.

Good for you.

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

*Abs Christ is tied up listening to Villain Marx speech*

Villain Marx: "-that is why I will make everything free, gay, and sexy!"

"oh I don't think so" smirked Abs, dislocating his shoulder to slide out of the ropes holding him in place.

Villain Marx: "ha! You may have slipped out of the ropes but-"

Abs dislocates all his fingers to slide them out of the chinese finger traps like limp spaghettis.

Villain Marx: "Well You'll never make it out of-"

Abs dislocates both of his nips out of the nipple clamps and then dislocates his knees, freeing them from being located. He launches his loose disjointed body directly at the villain like a drunken slinky and knocks Marx into the Atomic Laser Volcano! He dies like super hard.

Planet America is saved. Abs love interest Boobs McNoDepth and sidekick Child Who Should Be Taken By CPS both rush to his side.

Boobs: I thought Marx was gonna destroy America! Thank you Christ!

*Abs christ grows sunglasses* Abs Christ: You're abs-o-lutely welcome

Ronald God Reagan descends from the sky and relocates Abs Christ.

They fly off into distance on a giant magic cross bullet.

#jesus christ #comedy #funny #writing #jokes #art #movies #ronald reagan #satire #short story #creative #pls read #cliches #silly goofy tag #passion #cinema #screenplay #magic #superstar

[thisiswheremybullshitgoes]

I am currently listening to a music song.

It is so good. It is so music.

The song I mean of course. It very powerful

The song music. It is sounds...

That you can heeeaar. With your ear holes.

Music song, I am love you.

You are life. I will never stop loving-

I have listened to music song too much

Music song is now like baby left at department of fire

Music song is dead to me

#music #song #sound #noise #hearing #volume #volume up #volume down #volume go both way #life #death #sad #emotion #face emotion #happy is one too #comedy #writing #jokes #funny #art #passion