#you know I have one regret for this fic

[princecosmosanon]

i just wanted to say i read your piandao/zuko arranged marriage fic and it's amazing!! A very rare pairing but you made it work with the unique plot! I love it and i hope to read more!

Sorry this is such a late response, anon. Not even sure if you follow me or not lol

But!! Thank you for taking the time to read Heaven Sent/Hellbent! It’s a project that’s very dear to my heart. Piandao/Zuko is a lovely ship that deserves so so so so so much more than we currently have. I want to keep going with it, and I plan to!! But I ran into a snag and started doubting myself, but hopefully I can work through the knot of my worry in time and return to it.

#heaven sent/hellbent #piandao/zuko #you know I have one regret for this fic #and that’s making Piandao as young as I have #should have given him at least a few more years #rounded him out to a nice 40 or something #but I was being a lil chicken about it not wanting to hurt some sensibilities of the more radically charged age gap haters #if I write another Piandao/Zuko story later I prolly will make their age gap a bit larger #anon asks

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Smell Check [Easy: Failure]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 1 (part 2 - part 3)

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #disco elysium #MDZS Disco Elysium AU #So sad I didn't manage to get this comic out on the 15th (pd-mdzs's 8 month anniversary and DE's 4th year anniversary) but I'm here *now* #I have a very extensive and detailed MDZS Disco Elysium AU that I am Not Normal About. #I've seen a few other people point out the potential in a crossover (true) but they make the mistake in having it be set in 51! #A true crossover would take place closer to The Antecentennial Revolution! #Disco Elysium did not go that hard on its cool lore for people to only make surface level crossovers!!! #One day I'll write the fic or post my notes. I don't know who would read it but it tickles *my* brain and that's enough. #No spoilers for DE (here or in comments (please)) but please consider....Magpie Wei Wuxian B*) On his way to be an innocent. #I do think there is a good chance a chunk of the MDZS readership would enjoy DE but...it's also not a game I easily recommend #It's more of an experience you have to marinate over. It's dark in ways that are off putting to some people. #It makes you feel like a very bad person all the time. It gets extremely personal if you allow yourself to be honest in your answers #and it's also the game that saved my life. My life was truly forever changed after playing disco elysium. #If I recommend it to people it's a badge of the trust I have in you to appreciate something dear to me B'*) #If you decide to play: PLEASE go in as blind as possible. You will regret spoiling yourself. #edit: this is based on real disco elysium dialogue. HDB has many canon kinks but this is not one of them

[tapakah0]

#I've read it. #**** you just read fluff chaos and little amount of angst and here BUM #It took me almost 2 hours to read just one chapter I don't know why but no regrets at all #With all these emotional ups and downs #I have one novel that I hold on the very top of the angst stories (I haven't read that many books #stories and fics and can judge only withing that little I have) #but if mnmc keep going like this this I need to widen my place on top... #I've cried over Mojo again #The same scene and here we go again. how. #And then this one SORRY I CAN'T PUT IT INTO WORDS #The way they triet each other #they both go through hell #All little details about their emotions #Their differences yet so many similarities #I don't like the angst is placed out of nowhere but this fic was BORN IN ANGST #I WANNA BITE BIG MAMA'S HEAD OFF #FOR THE GOD'S SAKE LEON KILL HER FRIEND #YOU WANTED LEO JUST TO BE SAFE BUT WHAT'S THE MEANING IF HE'S NOT #AND IT'S SO DARK IN THEIR CEILING THAT LEON COULDN'T EVEN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH LEO #SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED AT ONE TIME #I DID COUNT WITHOUT JOKES HOW MANY TIMES I DID CRY DON'T JUDGE (I AM HARD TO CRY ON SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T CATCH MY ATTENTION I GUESS MY AT #ENTION IS CAUGHT WELL ENOUGH) 4 TIMES. 4 F***ING TIMES #FOR THE GOD'S SAKE I WANNA SEE CLICHE WHEN THEIR BROTHERS JUST BOOOM CRUSH EVERYTHING AROUND ON THIS AIRPLANE AND SAVE THEIR BROTHERS I WAN #A A CLICHE #I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THE END OF THE STORY WHEN LEON DIES HOW HE WANTED FROM THE VERY BEGINNING #I AM NOT OKAY OVER THE WAY HE TREATS THESE KIDS #OR LEO SUDDENLY A BOOST OF POWERS AND TELEPORTS THEM #ANYTHING #JUST NOT DEATH #AT LEAST NOT LIKE THIS

[youchangedmedestiel]

I happen to have a fic with two endings.

I can't choose the one I prefer. One ending has light angst and the other is funnier. And I just... can't choose.

So I'll guess I'll post the fic with the two possible endings in different chapters and like that YOU can choose which one you prefer because I can't. It just gives you more content so I guess it's fine.

#I didn't plan that fic to last that long honestly #it was supposed to be just the one scene at the beginning more developed #but I guess that's the fun part of writing #you never know where it'll lead you #I had fun writing it like that so no regret #it's about those two idiots in love obviously #destiel #deancas #castiel #dean winchester #ao3 writer #fanfic writing #writing fanfiction #why choose when you can have both? #two endings for one fic #that just means more content #I'd like to know which ending you preferred when I'll post it #I'm curious #probably posting it this week-end #my destiel fanfic

[godsfavoritescientist]

Its funny how brutally honest the axolotl poem is. Imagine being the most feared triangle in the multiverse and some giant space lizard tells your twelve year old sworn enemies about the time you saw your own dimension burn and then tells them "[bill] says he's happy, he's a liar." I think if I was Bill Cipher I would put the axolotl at the top of my enemies list for that one

#bill meta #the axolotl is just like 'yeah bill has a mysterious tragic backstory and he is sad about it.' #bills response wouldve been 'NUH UH! ive never felt a genuine feeling in my life i have never regretted anything ever!' #'also stop telling people my secrets what the fuck' #'who even are you. why do you think you know me. you dont even know me.' #i am coming up with another brutally honest axolotl poem for my post-weirdmaggeddon fic. bills gonna be so annoyed by it lmao #bill having a completely one sided rivalry with the most chill space god to ever exist is so funny to me

[ghost-proofbaby]

the astarion fic is related to eddie because eddie would read and encourage it actually

#you know i’m right don’t boo me #he’d be fighting me on which one of us gets to romance that vampire on a playthrough #’YOU’VE HAD DIBS THE LAST THREE TIMES’ #’and what about it eddie? WHAT? ABOUT? IT?’ #’if you like him so much go date him instead 😤’ #’okay’ *leaves the multiplayer campaign* #cue instant regret on eddie’s part as he panics and begs you to play with him again #OH MY GOD WAIT #I HAVE A FIC IDEA

[cookiecomics]

.

#its probably because i got a double dose of antidepressants but i need to vent #i'm tired of feeling tired #i don't even know concretely what i want to talk about #but the latest reblogs have been on my mind alot #i don't think the past year would have affected me as much as it had if it wasn't for the shunning and silence that #that comes with talking about microaggressions and racism in fandoms #its one thing to have a bad experience with a few people #its another when most of the people you knew just watched it happened #i know people dont believe ne #its easier to say im the 'aggressive one' #its just sad because i don't even have to be black online #im sad i feel like i have to choose #but the fandom was the first time i had so many nonblack friends at once #and i regret it so much #funny enough my dad always warns me every year about that kind of stuff #about the importance of keeping your distance from non-black folks #because of how quickly they turn on u when you're labelled difficult #he told me that again yesterday and he has no idea any of this stuff happened #that im on antidepressants now because i didn't listen to him #needless to say the second i finish my fic i don't want anything to do with p5 again #the only reason ive even continued is cause i love my story so much #i dont see the point in putting so much of my heart out in a fandom not safe for black folks #then again what fandom even is #delete later

[helianskies]

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't. #since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if... #if only... #what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic. #and i don't know how to stop. #helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it. #also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers. #gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

[arialerendeair]

I was curious about the unhinged comments in question (which were awesome) so I actually compared word counts and you came in a mere 754 words shy of the Giving Sanctuary Chapter 21 word count - 9761 words vs 10,515 words.

LOL, I'm glad that you enjoyed my screaming - it was the single best way that I could honor how amazing that particular story is, and that chapter.

I knew that @avelera had been fighting the muse on GS, so I had resolved to write the comment I had been planning in my head for weeks now, because I'd read Chapter 21 so many times that point, that I probably could have recited some of it.

So, I took a note from @foodsies4me's book (who writes comments that regularly make me want to sob) and decided to just... comment on the whole chapter. All of it. Piece by piece, analyzing, commenting, screaming over, all of it. It was a book report and screaming session all in one.

All 6 comments took me the better part of 4.5 hours to write, lol, but it was so worth it. So, so, SO worth it.

(Even more worth it when I found out that we're gonna get some Dream POV from Chapter 21 as a result and I'm gonna fucking die over that.)

#Aria Posts #Giving Sanctuary #Avelera #I have no regrets about my level of screaming #None whatsoever #This is one of those things that I will defend forever #My right to utterly unhinged screaming #I understand not everyone has the energy for that and it's perfectly okay #But I know what it means to me when someone does that #So being able to give that back to another author means the world to me #ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM AS OBSESSED OVER THE FIC AS I AM WITH THIS ONE #You would never guess that I was far more obsessed with CLWM than GS back when they both started #NOW GS OWNS MY HEART AND SOUL #And like I said #No regrets

[michiganmerchant]

mattdrai (drift compatible) (derogatory)

#good evening i am thinking of drift compatible mattdrai #sorry brady but you gotta die in this fic. #matthew smarting and hurting from the loss of his brother #guilty in a way that you can only be when you're the eldest #and everything that happens to your siblings #happens to you too #leon as the longtime captain lieutenant #who's angry and jaded and has seen too much war #and the entire death of his family (sorry peter draisatl you also have to die) #leon runs the combat room and isnt happy to have tkachuk back when he's clearly #not ready and might not ever be. this is war kid #matthew goes full rat mode and eventually they start sparring #and SURPRISE they're drift compatible baby you know this #you know this story by heart #you know how it ends #leon bitching about being wrestled away from his admin tasks #matthew bitching about having drift compatibility and dealing with #fear and regret that he might let this one die too #too many nights with each other's thoughts for company #and the relationships that form out of adrenaline and survival instincts. #ok goodnight #mattdrai #google drive

[coraxaviary]

i feel like writing WWII show fanfiction is actually my bootcamp for other fandoms. Every time I go write in another fandom, the lack of research I do in comparison is such a relief. When I fall back into my historical fiction narrative, I'm actually reading nonfiction history books and combing through badly managed websites that are probably digitized war records. just the other day i tried to find one specific plane crash in the month of 1942 on an airfield that went defunct due to that one incident. I found it. i tasted victory. The things i do for fandom.

#hbo war #band of brothers #there are also moments of complete utter panic as i realized i sequenced events wrong #just this past hour i spent regretting my choice a year ago to guess when the 506th E Co basic exam was #i guessed about 6 months off #it's not too important but it's important to me #you know what i mean? #like. people probably don't care that i messed up but i care #sighed in relief too after i combed my document for mentions of eagles/101 because the 506th didnt join until Mackall #thank the Lord I didn't take my best guess at that one #idk what are your thoughts at retroactively changing published chapters? #i'd do it for future readers #part of the joy of writing this thing is also discussing moments not included in the show #pillow fights. comments. churchill. false appendectomies. backstories. #i dont know if most of the readers of this fic know these things actually happened #i know my fic is heavily fictionalized bc it's a fic. but #yes they did have pillow fights and malarkey met churchill and sobel got a false appendectomy #anyway this is late night ranting #wrote like 3k+ words today which is more than this entire month #im happy #not writing #meta #SiA

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

on the one hand if i get myself to write kl*nce for my first bthb fill that is more likely to get readership than a gen fic and like that’s probably the solid move from a “clout” standpoint and like I ship it as much as i ship anything in that fandom. but. my entire comfort zone writing romance is like milves or dilves and especially established relationship like mature people. I cannot wrap my head around taking a teenage romance seriously even tho i vividly remember my own teen romances. and like i was a goofball in those... but that dynamic so antithetical to my writing style it barely computes.... like idk if i could write that and like write angst and hurt/comfort at the same time. i mean that’s part of the whole pushing myself out of my comfort zone

#also most of the time when i read kl*nce fics (which i do read) i am thinking...ok and what do their friends think... #ok why are you discounting their best frienships with other people okay their support network is bigger than just each other... #like i know its romantic fic tropes but i care about friendships so much and also a lot othe time im like this is almost toxic #me reading most ship fics is just OKAY AND WHAT DO THEIR FRIENDS THINK ARE THEY GONNA HANG OUT WITH THEIR BEST FRIEND EVER #like for any fandom tbh just let characters have friends and a relationship but like dont erase their friendships #also like unrelated to the previous tags but i regret not being more selective with what prompts i was okay with bc i got mostly #ones that i was very okay i guess about and few that i was super excited by so now im less enthused about writing these AND i feel like #clarity on who to write for what so im either gonna roll dice or take prompts #which is another reason to try to write something that will get readership so that i can get prompts from ao3

[thejadecount]

Hey, did you delete all your Over the garden wall works? What happened? Are you okay?

Wow can’t believe someone actually noticed. I’m fine, obviously, but if I’m going to be completely honest (which I am because I have no such filter and brutal honesty is my one default) I was embarrassed over those works and really cringed on them. With my new tmnt hyperfixation it wasn’t like I was going to come back to them anyway so I just decided to delete the whole lot.

#rip people who enjoyed my cringe writing #including you anon sorry not sorry #anyways TMNT #really though having those works on my profile constantly bothered me and genuinely kept me awake at night #haunting me with the cringe #I have very few regrets and those works are one of them #idk maybe if I ever go back to hyperfixating on gravity falls and otgw ill remake them one day #who knows my autism surely doesn’t #anon ask #also thanks fo the ask wish people did that more often #*nudge nudge* #really though f’s in the chat for the 10000 people or so who wasted their time reading that couldn’t be me L #I guess I am a little regretful for deleting those Fics since they were my more popular ones #but then again the writing really was cringe and I was never great at romance #but thanks for the ask!

[that-wildwolf]

For what it's worth i really love your writing style and genuinely enjoy your works so much! Youre an excellent writer 🙂

I really don't think i can believe these types of things lately. You're sweet to try and cheer me up and say nice things! But when it comes to my fics, I've been hearing too many bad things lately to accept any positive feedback as anything other than pity or a well-meaning attempt to make me feel good about myself.

And i know this sounds dramatic or fatalistic or whatever, but that's just how it is right now. I feel like I should take a step back and reevaluate my work, my priorities, everything.

I know that people don't enjoy my works and it hurts me, but it also makes me want to try to write something people will like. I just need to... figure out how to do that.

Fuck, I don't know. It's scary. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life on doing this one thing I thought I was good at and it turns out i just... Whatever.

Thanks for the ask, anon. For the kind words. I know you were trying to be nice and make me feel better, and i appreciate that. But an excellent writer? That I am not.

#wild answers things #wild rambles #this is not a fucking cry for help or anything don't come into my inbox asking if im okay #its 4am and i am venting #and i am also full of regret #you believe ive been writing fanfic for like 14 years? #all this time i could have done something with my life #i found a shakarian fic rec list and the author said theyve read a bunch of my fics but didn't like a single one of them #i got all those comments on edge of yesterday #and like fair edge of yesterday is not my best work #but i hate it when people make me realise how absolutely MEDIOCRE i am #which isn't a bad thing really there's nothing wrong with being mediocre im just #i dont know #i always thought i liked writing #but now im wondering if i just like the familiarity of it #it's just what i do what I've always done #maybe it's just.... comfortable #oh fuck me #i don't know what i am #i don't know anything i want to cry

[myname-isnia]

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t 12 when I came up with Suiren and Midori cause why the fuck do both of them have Japanese names

#no but seriously. neither of their parents have japanese names. none of their relatives have japanese names #they aren’t from the fire nation which would make a bit more sense #12 yo Nia why were you so dumb. why was there 0 thought put into their names #okay tbf I did take my time picking suiren’s. I googled flower names in different asian languages until I found one I liked #I knew I wanted her name to be water related so I mostly looked at lilies and lotuses #and suiren is a gorgeous name. don’t get me wrong #I don’t really have any qualms about it. I like it well enough and I think it suits her #my in-universe explanation is that her parents were 20 and 21 when they had her and handy grown out of teen rebellion just yet #so picked a name removed from their respective cultures #though if I had to pick a different name I’d choose Niloufer. it also means water lily but matches ghazan haya and afarin a bit better #I have no excuses for midori #every 2000s baby had an indie video game they were obsessed with in 2015-2019. mine was yandere simulator #so I named her after midori gurin #particularly because of that one fan song that I had playing on repeat that summer #the vibes of it matched my original midori concept so… here we are. #I regret it now bc 1) it’s incredibly lazy. holds no deep meaning nor is connected to her parents’ cultures #2) yanderedev is… yanderedev. would rather not have anything associated with him tbh #but I can’t really change it now because it’s been 5 years. I can’t imagine midori with any other name anymore #I don’t even know what I’d change it to. probably something chinese to match ming-hua #and even if I were to change it it would involve editing so much #posts. tags. fics. everything. it’s way too late now even if I had a good replacement name lined up #oh well. Midori it is I suppose. brb gonna go build a time machine to yell at my 12yo self to use her brain #sotrl suiren #sotrl midori #seeds of the red lotus

[g-kat423]

Whenever an author orphans a work I’m grateful that they at least didn’t delete it, but then I’m left wondering why they made that choice and if they’re okay.

#so thankful ao3 has that feature #otherwise so many works would be gone forever* once an author decided they didn’t want to have it associated with them anymore #*why it’s important to download your favorite fics regardless of completion status because you never know #and I am guilty of privating my own works when I was on my hiatus I have many regrets about that but I was not in a good place #I’ve also only orphaned one work because I knew I’d never want to work on it again and I only wrote it because of a meme lol