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aprofessionalwithoutstandards · 1 year

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ik i pass as a Horny For Old Men kinda guy but my attraction to them isnt... entirely sexual. It barely is.

My attraction, part of it is my autism absolutely adoring my blorbos, part of it is attraction to their characters and personalities, but the largest part of it is gender envy.

there's a very very thin line between I want to fuck him and I want to Be Him for me.

Also, with sex, and consuming pornography, I dont... imagine myself being fucked/fucking. I am detached from it. I imagine the feelings and emotions and shit, dont get me wrong. But I imagine it as though I am the character themselves experiencing it, not me. I simply like when people show off mutual pleasure and want and lust and desire and blasphemy, and, this is really sad, I can not, for the life of me, imagine a scenario where I am having that mutual reciprocated pleasure with someone.

So I really like my blorbos when sex. Because the tf2 men are so. so incredibly goofy and ridiculous and unconventionally shaped and insane and its like.. ok yeah, I can vibe with this. It isn't like, y/n type shit. It's literally sweaty middle aged men fucking in the most unconventional places. It's awesome.

Also I love love love when author's do queer shit. Like, queer history shit. And queer sex. I read a fic where, in his backstory, Medic studied at the Institute of Sexology in Germany before Nazi Germany, before the book burnings, and Medic secretely preformed the first top surgery ever, in history, on his close friend. And Medic was one of the contributing authors to HRT and trans studies, and even though so many of the books were burned (this actually happened btw, its estimated that we still arent up to the same point knowledge wise as we would be if those academic trans books hadnt been burned.), Medic knew the ins and outs of it all well enough to make his own fucking drug lab and create testosterone for Scout tf2. To help him transition. And I was like. That's awesome.

Or, or like, this one fic. Where scout is like oh god im gay??? And spy is like "lol you are gay. Anyways here's a book I wrote about being gay and all the shit that I've learned and my shenanigans with sex and anatomy and gays and lesbians and gender. And my deceased lover who was killed for basically everything written in this book"

It's like... I feel this strange solidarity, reading it all. Because its.. We've all been there, we've all been in that confusing ass "this is so.. wrong" or like... the hunch you get, before you come out to anyone. The hunch that your parents wont accept you, regardless of what they've said about gay ppl in the past or how much they love you and how much they'll support you. There's always that little sliver of doubt, that, that this is the thing that gets you kicked out of the house, that gets you abused.

And its. It makes me feel so good when I read queer shit in the context of the tf2 universe.

anyways thats enough of my ramblings thumbsup

This is Extremely long but there are parts here that spoke to me so I am going to respond to this in parts:

I don't think it's that weird to visualize yourself as a particular person or character in sexual scenarios. In my experience this has a lot to do with being trans. A Lot of bdsm is playing roles or characters or etc, and I have actually found that that kind of thing can be very very alleviating if you have trouble being "yourself" in sexual situations you otherwise want to partake in. You should note that I do not in any way id as ace but some people with similar experiences do id somewhere on the asexual spectrum. That's really up to the individual, in my opinion

When you're trans and gay (of any variety), of course it's going to be difficult sometimes to distinguish attraction from gender envy. A lot of what society pushes as "gender-conforming" is the same as what it pushed as "attractive", so for a lot of trans people, presenting as the gender that they are can manifest as a desire to look attractive (not even necessarily "conventionally", just what they think is attractive). Tbh I don't really think this is like, a "problem" if it's just fictional characters; I probably wouldn't recommend dating an actual human being you constantly feel envious of, but like I would probably fuck Sniper tf2's mind out and obviously I do a lot of gender envy and projection and kinnie stuff onto him. I would also fuck my own clone though so I might be weird in this regard

Okay finally like the meat and potatoes of this ask: I ALSO love when people do gay shit w the tf2 men! For me, this manifests itself in stuff like the Medic leather ask I did a while ago, because I like kink and kink history and kink culture and that's what I know about and what I like to write about. It also helps people to see a positive representation of some aspect of themselves in these characters that they like, but, more importantly TO ME, I get to tell MORE people abt this kind of thing. This is the biggest platform I've ever had and I get to use these stupid video game men to like, teach people about shit! About gay shit! And I love that. I love you freaks who care abt stuff like this I love people doing gay shit and trans shit and kink shit with the tf2 men. It can be comforting it can be therapeutic it can genuinely cause a lot of positive change in someone's life, and most importantly it is FUN and it is HOT

#sorry for talking for so long omg i just love talking abt this kind of thing. lol #ask #anon #mick dicks #long post

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butchviking · 11 months

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Hello! Per the define transgender q I thought I'd put my 2 cents out there as a trans person. The way I'd define it for me is that the way I "see" myself to be incongruent with how I was assigned at birth. To me its more transition/dysphoria based, it has nothing to do with how I express myself via clothes or mannerisms and everything to do with how I feel about myself internally. Not to say gender expression isn't important, especially in someone's transition and wanting to be recognized as the gender they are, but if you only think of trans people wanting to transition in order to fit a stereotype of the opposite sex then that just reduces everything they do to a performance or an act. And gender expression is important whether ur trans or cis, gnc or not.

Idk. Being trans is just part of who I am, same way that I have brown eyes. Im not "escaping" from anything nor am i confused. I think because ppl recognize/come to terms with being trans differently is also why they say being trans is different for everyone. Even if there is a clear cut definition, it's still gonna look different based on how or if someone is able to medically/socially transition and how far in their transition they are, and anti-trans laws will affect that as well. Community, activism, and support are important regardless. At the end of the day I just want to be able to feel safe in knowing that if I got in a major car accident tomorrow where I will need intensive medical care, that the medical team will treat me even though the parts I have don't match what it says I should have on my driver's license.

Hope that makes sense I've been typing off and on at work but just wanted to put my perspective out there. Peace love and ray toro <3

huh okay, it's really interesting that u say it's more transition/dysphoria based to u bc i feel like most trans ppl ive spoken to abt it (might b a reflection of the kind of trans ppl i was hanging out w) definitely put identity before transition status/intent.

definitely with u on the gender expression part - i think its a rly common problem that someone sets out on a transition bc of dysphoria & bc they want to be viewed as & treated as the opposite gender by society but somewhere along the way they end up leaning way too heavily on stereotypes for that and they do find themselves trapped in a performance and end up ridiculously self-concious abt it all (like all the transguys who worry endlessly about if they're walking right if they're holding their drinks right if they're SLEEPING right, that one guy who found himself googling "do men eat oatmeal" -_-)

also v interested in ur statement that how ppl "recognize/come to terms with being trans" affects how they define the concept in general.. im gonna think on that but im not sure i know what u mean 🤔 i think i have to twist that one round a little fr it to make sense 2 me... id agree that people often have different motivations for transition & trans identity and that would affect how they define the term... i think that's sort of the same thing, it's just that u see being trans as smthn inherent to a person whereas i see it as a choice so we'd use different wording.

n yeah ive been thinking more abt where exactly i think legal lines n definitions need to be drawn i think im gonna make another post abt it but ur right that community, activism, & support are important regardless and i think for the most part CAN function regardless. & i understand ur concerns abt getting medical treatment - ppl always talk about 'trans healthcare' just meaning medical transition but that's mostly a whole separate thing to actual trans healthcare which is in a scary state rn (& getting scarier in some places - didn't one state recently pass a law that medical staff are legally allowed to refuse treatment if someone is lgbt?) (yeah i just checked of course its fucking florida 😑) n im sorry u have to live w that. u deserve proper care & treatment u deserve to live safe in the knowledge that u will receive that proper care & treatment.

thank u so much for weighing in!! its refreshing 2 get a different perspective here. peace & love & ray toro 😁✌️ <3

#ask #pandafarms

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alleycat4eva · 2 years

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So, just read up all the asks and responses so far, and I think I have a better understanding of where you're coming from. Tbh, I think it's pretty close to my own experience about 10 years ago when I first started learning more about gender theory and trans issues and tried to reconcile that with feminism and my lived experiences with sexism and misogyny. Thing is, they actually reconcile pretty easily once you take it a step further; sex and gender aren't really that cut and dry anyway, and it never has been. Like, full disclaimer, I'm a nonbinary dfab person, and since I feel no need to medically transition and I find binding uncomfortable, I am still perceived as a woman by society. A butch woman, sure, but unless someone already has the habit of not gendering someone by visual cues then people are going to think I'm female. I was raised female, and have the socialization that goes with it, to the point where even my father, who has only ever been gentle with me, terrifies me if he swears loudly in frustration. Because a man is angry and has raised his voice, and a part of my brain will always interpret that as dangerous. Socialization is a thing, although I believe still controversial even within the trans community. Anecdotally though, I've seen those socializations become learned behaviour after transitioning anyway, because once society perceives you as a given gender it will treat you that way. I think the most important thing to acknowledge here is that yes, the feminist struggle against sexism is still ongoing, and there are a lot of ways society hurts dfab people that it doesn't do to anyone else, but that doesn't need to be separate from recognizing and including trans woman as women, and dfab people who aren't women in the fight for reproductive rights. A trans woman's experience with womanhood and misogyny is still her experience as a woman, it might just differ from a cis woman's. Much in the same way a black woman will experience misogynoir, transmisogyny is still misogyny, it just intersects with another aspect of her identity in a specific way. (There is then, of course, transmisogynoir with its own set of interactions and oh boy why can't humans just accept variance without literally killing others over it already) Basically, "knowing that trans women are women, trans men are men, and nonbinary people are whatever combination or lack there of of the above that they say they are" can and does be something that exists in the same breath as "dfab people face specific persecutions and oppressions related to their biology". Those are facts that exist side by side without contradicting each other. Sorry if I'm waffling or unclear, it's currently 3am and I'm pretty sure some of these points are only half formed anyway (why do I always write on complex topics when I'm not at my best lmao). I'm just really glad to see you engaging with this conversation and researching more about it, and those two things already put you miles ahead of actual terfs. (also a terf would never have written Haku as trans so like. Nah you're just having A Time reconciling and questioning shit, and that's normal and I'm glad you're doing it.) I'm so sorry someone sent you anon hate over? I can't even see anything on your blog that might set someone off on you? either way it's horrific and never okay to do that to someone and that person should be ashamed. But yeah, you're right, this topic is complex and multifaceted but there needs to be space to talk about biology specific discrimination because that is definitely a thing that happens. Thing is, I don't think that conversation ever stopped happening? Tumblr likes to drink the kool aid a bit but it's certainly something actual IRL queer groups have never forgotten to give space to (that I'm aware of). It's just spoken in a way that doesn't alienate people it affects by misgendering them, and doesn't misgender people it doesn't affect. Language is amorphous and ever-changing anyway, why not be inclusive with it?

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stopcannibalizingourown · 2 years

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Hi! Just found your blog and I really like it. Idk if youve been asked this already but whats your opinion on using agab terms vs tme/tma terms? I personally like agab terms when discussing how people have been socialized but Ive heard some transfeminine people have valid problems with them being overused. Wanted to know your opinion on it. Thanks and have a nice day!

let’s just pretend I didn’t forget about this in my drafts for months, whoops

The short answer: I dislike both tme/tma and agab language.

I don’t really feel like getting into it at this time, so I’d like to direct you to @nothorses whose pinned post has a few takedowns of the terminology, as well as this post. Basically it’s a shitty dichotomy that was either coined or popularized for exclusionary purposes by a group of Lesbian Separatist Radical Transfeminists (and I don’t know if you know this, but I have immense disdain for separatist politics and for radical feminism, and slapping a “trans” onto it doesn’t make it any better lmao).

Now, as for agab language, it has specific contexts where it can be useful, such as medical contexts--though even then not everyone with the same assigned sex is going to have the same medical needs, even when it comes to reproductive organs, and that’s before you factor in hormonal transitioning and such. agab is not a surefire predictor for literally anything after the actual assignment itself, and it being used as such inevitably excludes people whose experiences don’t match up with the typical narrative.

And outside of those contexts? Yeah no it’s just not helpful. Like, to use socialization as an example, there’s no such thing as a coherent “afab socialization” or “amab socialization.”

To use my own life as an example, though I grew up in a patriarchal society like (to my knowledge) everyone from the US, my parents’ chosen family and thereby my extended family is closer to matriarchal than anything, which very much informed my understanding of gender growing up--a lot of traits that are associated with masculinity, such as directness or even abrasiveness, were exhibited primarily by the women I grew up around and looked up to, with the men being for the most part more mellow and nurturing by personality.

Or, as another example: as a kid, I was very much a wild child (outside the classroom where I was excessively obedient because I trusted authority figures), always energetic and outgoing--but also extremely cheerful, openly emotional, and friendly to basically everyone. At the age of eight, trauma Happened, and overnight I became introverted, depressed, emotionally repressed, bookish, and closed off. In either case, however, I was almost always read as a girl (until I hit puberty anyway) in spite of identifying as a boy because the way I acted conflicted with people’s understanding of what boys are.

And that’s the thing--what we’re socialized into is the entire system of binary gender, not just a single specific gender. Both what we understand the two binary genders to be as a result of our surroundings and how much we internalize the expectations for the gender we’re assumed to be are huge parts in how that socialization impacts our behavior. Not only that, but the behavior you learn in childhood does not necessarily determine your behavior as an adult.

It will absolutely almost always affect it in unavoidable ways (it’s very unlikely I will ever not be impacted by my trauma), but just as I am neither the cocky, outgoing, unstoppable assumed-tomboy I was as a young child, nor the broody, depressed kid with a chronic inability to assert myself and my nose always buried in a book that I was during my later formative years, no one else is inherently defined by who they were taught and who they learned to be growing up.

This mostly turned into a tangent about socialization rather than about agab language in general, but I know some of my mutuals have written excellent posts about agab language as a whole, so feel free to drop those here lmao.

also P.S. I didn’t even get into how neurodivergence affects things but like. My autism absolutely informed my grasp of gender growing up and that’s common with many neurodivergences.

Edit: The other issue is, admittedly, the difficulty with replacement language—in spite of my disdain for it you'll occasionally see me using agab language myself. Idk things are complicated.

#ask tag #anon #gender linguistics tag #socialization #this post is a mess organizationally but I don't have it in me to do a round of edits #if i try it'll be another however many months before i post this thing #so what you see is what you get lol

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fox-steward · 3 years

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Hey, listen. I'm glad you've found your identity. Nobody deserves to be stuck identifying as something that's wrong for them. But have you considered that not everybody is you? The vast majority of trans people are actually trans. Have your community, live your truth, talk about your experience, but you have no right trying to preach that just because transitioning wasn't what you needed that it must be a mistake for everyone. I'm a trans man. I've lived as male for years and I'm happier than I've ever been. It has NOTHING to do with gender roles, feminism, sexuality, anything. It has to do with the fact that I'm a man, and I always have been, and I always will be. I just am. Please, like I said, HAVE your community and share your voice and your truth but don't shut yourself into an echo chamber and deny the majority of trans people who are happy with their transition and living THEIR truths just like you're living yours.

“hey, listen, i need you to shut the fuck up, okay? real happy for you and the ole detransition—good stuff, way to go—but you talking about your experience, and WORSE, thinking critically about that experience? that’s real uncomfortable for ME. and that’s what i’m really here about. ME.

sure, i came to YOUR blog, the one with the clearly stated purpose, but all i’m asking is for you to shut up and go away! it’s not that hard. go play with your detrans friends, but like...quietly. in a place i don’t have to see it, even if i search for it, like i did here. sorry you were wrong about the whole trans thing unlike me, a Real Trans (criteria unavailable). but again, what really matters here on YOUR blog are MY feelings, so please shut up.

i’m really very happy with myself and my iDeNtItY, which is why i’m pain-shopping here (and probably other detrans/radfem blogs), but i am shocked to find that pain-shopping is uncomfortable, so i’m here in your inbox asking you politely to shut up! also, go away! have you considered other people are covering their eyes and ears and trying to inhabit the role of the opposite sex, such as me, the only person i’m truly capable of caring about? if i have to read your ideas on your blog that i sought out, that might jeopardize my carefully constructed iDeNtItY. yeah, so think about that! i only want to hear about experiences that VaLiDaTe mine, and you making inferences about YOUR experience (which probably overlaps with mine like 95%, but never mind that) is wholly uncomfortable and i need you to stop. thank.”

that’s how you sound, anon.

identity is a trap. i don’t have an identity, i have a life. i have a body and a sex and that mediates my experience of this world, and i choose to engage with that rather than try to subvert it, because that was, in my 8-year-transition experience, ultimately futile.

but you’re happy in your identity! so what does it matter that i’m here speaking about my experience with (de)transition? what does it matter that i think critically about those experiences and how they fit into reality? if YOUR identity can be denied, and that actually changes it, it’s based on faith, not reality. and that’s a you problem.

also, i don’t think transition is a mistake for everyone; there are people for whom transition is a helpful treatment for gender dysphoria. but i don’t believe transition changes one’s sex, i don’t believe medical transition is healthy for most people, and i don’t believe gender dysphoria is Pure in the sense that it arises without society’s touch. so i think it’s wise to investigate WHERE gender dysphoria comes from. even for those people for whom transition is helpful, their gender dysphoria didn’t arise out of nothing. they’re not somehow immune to misogyny and homophobia. i don’t believe in a gender essence, because the premise is ludicrous. there is no male soul that got mistakenly placed in your female body. so i’m glad you’re happy, and if that’s the case, i and my blog full of ideas shouldn’t matter to you.

the line about the echo chamber was rich, tho—thanks for the laugh.

#detrans #detransition #just talkin #radfem #radical feminism #transgender #gender critical #ftm #asked #answered #anon #anonymous

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uncloseted · 3 years

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saying "people who identify as girls are girls" is not simple. at all. i mean ok i am a girl. why? because i identify as one. but why? there's nothing that unites all girls. which doesn't mean that all girls have to be exactly the same but they at least need to have ONE thing in common. i mean if people say yeah i like women, when i'm in the street i look at women not men. how do you know? how do you know who's a man and who's a woman and who's anything else? and even woke people look at someone

1and think "girl" then think, or maybe they're non binary! but they never say or maybe they're a man. never. a person who looks like me has two options: girl or one of the hundreds of non binary identities. but to be a man, I'd have to try harder. it's not enough to IDENTIFY AS. ffs I can't be the only one who sees this. and just to clarify, i sent the joke about Emily being transphobic and i sent the first two of the three asks that you answered together i forgot this. you seriously thinl that if you raise a baby completely gender neutral, like one of those "theybies" and you tell them a girl is someone who identifies as a girl a boy is anyone who identifies as a boy nb is someone who identifies as neither, that they will deep down, without taking into account any stereotypes or biological essentialism, know what gender they are? even if they end up saying I'm a girl/boy, it will be because they will be exposed to girls and boys and "choose" the one they relate most to, or even because they like how the word "girl" or "boy" sounds.

I think you're asking some really good questions here. You're raising a lot of very philosophically interesting questions about the metaphysics of gender (what does it mean to have a gender, what does it mean to be transgender, is gender a social construct or is it innate to humans, etc) and how gender, as a social construct, impacts our lives on a day to day basis. Better philosophers than I have struggled with these questions for decades, but I'll do my best not to get too into the weeds on their different theories in this post. Instead, I'll offer my thoughts on what gender is and then investigate how we interact with it on a practical level. This is likely to be a long post, so apologies in advance, but it's a complicated issue that touches everyone's lives and I want to be mindful of that while writing this. Also apologies that this is going to be a pretty binary post. I don't mean to exclude nonbinary identities from this conversation, but to illustrate the points I'm trying to make, I think it's easier to talk about binary identities first. Just know that I do think nonbinary identities are real, valid and worthy of recognition and respect. Lastly, I'm not attached to any of the views expressed in this post. They reflect my thinking at this moment in time, but that might change as I learn more about these topics. I apologize if any of the views presented here are inadvertently hurtful. That's not my intention at all, but I recognize that regardless of intention, some things can cause harm. My goal in this post is to explore some ideas, and I would love to hear other people's opinions on this topic or criticism of these ideas. The Metaphysics of Gender So, to start out with, what is gender? Why are you a girl? Why do you identify as a girl? Why does anyone, and what links those people who identify as "girls" together? Is identifying as a girl enough to be one? These are complicated questions, both philosophically and culturally, and they've become more visible as we've become more culturally aware of gender variances (recently in the West. Third genders have always existed, and do continue to exist, in many cultures around the world). In biology and philosophy, there's a concept called "homeostatic property clusters" (stay with me here, I promise I'm going somewhere with this). "Homeostatic property clusters" is basically just a fancy phrase for the idea that if a creature has enough of a certain set of characteristics, they can be defined as part of a larger category, even if they don't have all of the traits that creatures in that category might have. In the PhilosophyTube video "Social Constructs", Abigail offers the category "mammals" as an example of a "homeostatic property cluster". Mammals are creatures that have warm blood, produce milk, and birth live offspring. Humans are mammals based on these characteristics, and so are seals and giraffes. But platypuses are also mammals, even though they lay eggs instead of birthing live offspring. These three properties, having warm blood, producing milk, and birthing live offspring, tend to "cluster" together, but they don't have to all be present in order for the creature to be "a mammal"- in this case, two out of three is fine. I think gender is similar. It's a homeostatic property cluster that includes biological, psychological, and social traits. Not all of those traits must be present for a person to "be a girl" or "be a boy", but enough of them have to be present in order for the person to be considered as part of that category ("girl" or "boy"). That cluster of traits is what all "girls" have in common, even if those traits aren't exactly the same for each individual. So, then, in the context of gender, what are those traits? "Biopsychosocial traits" is all very good as an academic term, but what does it actually mean? Let's start with the biological traits, since I think they're what most people default to when talking about gender. Biological Sex and Gender One trait we might consider when talking about whether someone "is a

girl" is sex characteristics. Sex and gender are fundamentally separate concepts, but for many people, they're linked. Many cis people consider themselves cis because they were "born in the right body" or lack the desire to medically transition. They have a "subconscious sex" that matches their physical body. So I think this is a good place to start. We might ask the question, "does this person have primary or secondary sex characteristics associated with being "a girl"?" It feels like the answer should be obvious- do they have tits and fanny, or don't they? But in reality, "biological sex" itself is kind of a homeostatic property cluster. Female sex characteristics include XX chromosomes, ovaries, estrogen and gestagen, a vagina, uterus, and fallopain tubes, breasts, and a menstrual cycle. But there are people without some of these traits that are still "girls". For example, some girls don't have a menstrual cycle (due to menopause, hormonal birth control, low body weight, PCOS, etc), but they're still girls. Some girls don't have a uterus (for example, if they've had a hysterectomy), but they're still girls. Some girls never develop breasts, but they're still girls. Some girls are born with Swyer syndrome, where they have a uterus, fallopian tubes, a cervix and a vagina, but have XY sex chromosomes. They're still girls. Any one of those traits by themselves can't be enough to decide if a person "is a biological girl" or "isn't a biological girl", but if a person has enough traits in that cluster, then they can be considered part of the larger category "biological girl". That by itself is kind of a TERFy take, so I would offer that the biological trait in the cluster "girl" is "has a cluster of female sex characteristics, either naturally or artificially, or gender dysphoria resulting in a desire to acquire those sex characteristics." But that alone can't be enough to determine if someone is or isn't "a girl". If it was, it would exclude pre-medical transition trans boys, even pre-medical transition trans boys who are living their lives as boys. It's also a transmedicalist take- it would also exclude trans people who never medically transition. To me, that doesn't feel right. People shouldn't be considered "a girl" or "a boy" based on biological essentialism, the pain of gender dysphoria, or their access to medical transition. So there have to be other factors at play- other traits in the cluster. Gender as Identity On the other side of the spectrum, some people say that gender is identity. You are "a girl" or "a boy" because that's how you identify- it's how you see yourself. In this viewpoint, gender is something innate to a person, that they instinctively know about themselves. It's perhaps a "female soul" in a "male body". In your ask, you express some scepticism about this view, and I'm inclined to agree. If humans have souls, I'm inclined to think they're not gendered, since what constitutes gender varies so widely across cultures and time periods. But I do also think that "identifying as" is an important element of "being a girl". Identifying as a girl is a basic criteria for being a girl. No person who doesn't identify as a girl can be a girl. It's an innate property of "girlness", the same way that an innate property of triangles is that they have three sides. But I do agree with you that I'm not convinced it's enough to only "identify as". Other traits in the cluster have to be present, because without a physical or social transition (or at least, the desire for a physical or social transition, particularly in cases of people for whom it's not safe or possible for them to transition), a person's identification doesn't have much practical value. Gender as a Social Role If "identifying as" isn't enough, then perhaps an important part of the gender conversation is the social role that gender plays in our lives. A gender is put upon us when we're born, and people continue to expect us to fill our assigned gender role throughout our lives. Maybe what's important isn't our body

parts or our internal identity, but instead, the gender role society lets us adopt. Perhaps society has to let you adopt the gender role you identify as. Either you're perceived as a woman or you aren't, either you "pass" or you don't. Perhaps those expectations that others have of you are what defines your gender. Intuitively, this seems to be tapping into something that feels true, at least to me. "Identifying as" isn't enough because society has to acknowledge that we are who we say we are. As you say, perhaps we have to "try harder" to "be a girl" or "be a boy" than just "identifying as". But this, too, has its problems. What about trans people who can't or don't pass? Does their transness get revoked for not appearing like they're trying hard enough? And what constitutes "hard enough"? Is trying at all "hard enough", or is there a point at which you "become" your gender? How many people need to reach a consensus on your gender before that's who you "are"? Does it get revoked by one person who misgenders you? And what about people who are cis, but occasionally put into an opposite gender role because of the way they present themselves? It seems to me that relying on other people to confer gender onto us is at once too limiting and not limiting enough. Gender as Gender Expression Going off of the idea of gender as a social role, then maybe gender is how you physically express yourself to the world- how you look to others. Maybe if you choose to express yourself as a given gender (through hair, clothes, makeup, voice, etc.), that's the gender that you are (or a reflection of the gender that you are), because that's how society will gender you. But that seems insufficient as well, for a lot of the same reasons that gender as a social role does. There are people who express themselves in stereotypically "masculine" ways but who identify as girls and who are understood to be girls by those around them. Their "girlness" is not culturally taken away from them based on their gender expression (unless there's another trait within the cluster of "being a girl" that they appear to not have). A girl can wear a full face of makeup, a dress and high heels, or have a pixie cut, no makeup, and wear a flannel and Doc Martens, but that alone isn't enough to say that she's not "a girl". This is especially true now, where very few ways of presenting are viewed as inherently gendered. Dresses and skirts are no longer exclusively "a girl thing" and pants have long been gender neutral. And what constitutes "presenting as a girl" and "presenting as a boy" changes across culture, time, and based on other characteristics an individual has (like class, race, size, or level of ability). So gender expression doesn't seem sufficient by itself to determine gender identity. Gender as Behaviors and Actions (aka Gender Performativity) Okay, so gender isn't just gender expression. But what about gender as a set of behaviors, something that you do? Gender performativity is a theory presented by Judith Butler in 1990 (sorry, I know I promised I wouldn't namedrop philosophical theories, but this is important to the conversation). Butler says that gender is constructed through a set of "acts" that are in line with societal ideas of what it means to "be a girl" or "be a boy". This performance of gendered acts is ongoing, even when we're alone, and is out of our control. Butler believes that there's no such thing as a "non-stylized" act- that is to say, everything we do is an act, and there's no such thing as an act that is not perceived as being somewhere on the spectrum of masculinity and femininity (at least, not in the current world we live in). The way we stylize these acts have the possibility to change over time. So Judith Butler believes that we "do" gender rather than "being" gender- that a girl "does girlness" over time. Put another way, a girl does behaviors, actions, and expressions that are stylized as "girly", which is what makes her gender identity "girl". And this gender, "girl", is constantly being

produced as the girl produces more of those "girly" acts. Instead of having an innate gender or expressing our internal gender through the way that we present, Butler thinks our outward gendered acts create our inner gender identity. Those acts and the way we perform them are shaped from the minute that we're born, when we're thrown into a pre-existing gender category and taught that "people like us" do things "in this way". This theory offers an answer to the question we asked in the previous section about gender as presentation; someone who is dressed "masculine" can still be "a girl" because they're performing "girlness"- they're doing acts that are in line with what we think of as "a girl". Because Butler doesn't believe that you're born with an internal gender, her work is controversial in trans spaces and are sometimes thought of as being trans-exclusionary (although Butler herself is a trans advocate). But I think disagree. Presumably, a person could change the stylization of the acts they perform. A person who was performing "boy" can begin to instead perform "girl", although they did not grow up performing "girl". It may be difficult, as they haven't had the performance of "girl" thrust upon them their entire lives, and have not experienced the "oppression experiences of girlhood" that can shape the performance of "girl". But gender performance and gender socialization are a lifelong process, and so the more a person "does girlness", the more they will be perceived as "doing girlness", and the more they will be expected to "perform girlness." I think it becomes something of a feedback loop where performance feeds socialization and socialization feeds performance. What about the "theybies"? What would happen if you raise a baby completely gender neutral? What would happen if a baby wasn't thrown into a pre-existing gender category upon birth? Would they identify as a gender without taking stereotypes or biological essentialism into account? This is essentially a question about social constructs. If we raised a baby with the understanding that some people have male sex characteristics, some have female sex characteristics, and some people have a combination of both, but removed the social constructs we have around gender, would gender still exist to this child? What you've created here is a "Twin Earth" thought experiment- a hypothetical where there are two Earths that are identical in every way except for one. Our Earth has the social construct of Gender, but Twin Earth does not. Would our Theyby still have a gender if they lived on Twin Earth? I think no. They wouldn't have a context to understand the social systems that we've created around sex characteristics, and so they wouldn't be able to place themselves within those systems. They wouldn't understand why we've based our whole society around sex characteristics as opposed to something else. They would be able to identify that they have the sex characteristics associated with "boys" or "girls", but not what it means to "be a girl" or "be a boy". (If you want to dig further into this idea of Social Constructs, that PhilosophyTube video I linked above is a good place to start). They could learn, but it wouldn't be innate to them. We, however, don't live on Twin Earth. We live on Earth. And on Earth, we do have the social construct of gender. So even if you raise a child completely gender neutral, they still have a concept of what it is to "be a girl" or "be a boy". They might learn that "girls" have long hair, or wear dresses, or are nice and caring, or are emotional, or walk and talk a certain way, or wear pink, or whatever other social constructs we ascribe to the gender "girl". They might learn that "boys" have short hair, wear pants, are mischievous, are aggressive, or walk a different way, or wear blue, or whatever other social constructs we ascribe to the gender "boy". Kids who are raised gender neutral look at the physical characteristics of other kids, the gender expression of other kids, the performance of "girlness" or

"boyness" that other kids do, and compare them to the physical characteristics they have, the gender expression they like, the gender expression that's expected of them from others, the performance of gender that they gravitate towards, and the performance of gender expected of them from others, and they tend to pick the one that feels more like their category. Most kids start conceptualizing their gender identity around age 3 or 4, and that's true for kids who are raised gender-neutral as well. When they start spending more time out in the world, they notice that they're different from some kids and similar to others, and they learn the language to describe those differences. But all of this is kind of beside the point, because raising a child as a "theyby" doesn't ultimately have the goal of the child not having a gender or growing up to be agender or genderqueer. It has the goal of allowing children to develop their likes, dislikes, and views of themselves without the contribution of harmful gender stereotypes. And I think that's actually a really great goal- how many of us that were raised female were discouraged from pursuing certain interests (especially science and technology related interests) because those "aren't girl things"? Kids will be exposed to those harmful stereotypes eventually, but if a kid is raised until age 3 without them, they might be more resilient to them when those ideas are presented. And for kids who do end up being transgender, being raised without gender lets them know that they'll be accepted by their family no matter their identity. Okay, but give us some answers... what is gender? So, we've gone over a lot of things that gender isn't, or at least, a lot of things that can't exclusively constitute a gender. But where does that leave us? What does that make gender? I propose it's something like the following: There are lots of ways to have or experience a gender. In order to have a gender, a person must:

1. Identify as that gender and: 2. have a cluster of sex characteristics matching the biological sex associated with that gender, either naturally or artificially, or gender dysphoria resulting in a desire to acquire those sex characteristics AND/OR 3. socially inhabit that gender, through gender expression or gender performance, or have a desire to socially inhabit that gender

I think that covers pretty much every case I can think of. People who identify as a gender and have the sex characteristics matching that gender are cis people, regardless of their social presentation. People who identify as a gender and have gender dysphoria or who have medically transitioned are the gender they identify as. People who identify as a gender and socially inhabit that gender are also the gender they identify as, and so are people who identify as a gender and would like to socially inhabit that gender but can't due to financial constraints or safety concerns. They're just experiencing trans identity in a different way to medically transitioned people. Gender as a Social Construct Okay, so that's the metaphysics of gender, or at least, an approach to the metaphysics of gender. I want to make it clear that I'm not attached to this theory, and I don't necessarily think I'm right. This is just where I've landed in my thinking right now, and I'm open to hearing other people's opinions and criticisms. In any case, it's very abstract, very philosophical, but maybe not super practical for the other questions you're asking here, and definitely not simple. So why, in my original answer, was I making the claim that "people who identify as girls are girls" is simple, then? I was making that claim because the way we interact with other people isn't metaphysical. It's practical. And practically speaking, all you need to do is acknowledge a person the way they ask to be acknowledged. Does someone say they're a boy named Jack who uses he/him pronouns? Great, call him Jack and use he/him pronouns. Does someone say their name is Sarah and use she/her pronouns? Great, call her Sarah and use she/her pronouns. Does someone say their name is Alex and they use they/them pronouns? Great, call them Alex and use they/them pronouns. Does someone say their name is Cloud and they use ze/zir pronouns? Great, call them Cloud and use ze/zir pronouns. You don't have to understand their relationship with their gender or what their gender means at all. You can even think their gender is "cringe". But you do have to respect the way they view themselves, and acknowledge them how they want to be seen. Think about it this way- if you were at an event and someone had a nametag that said, "Hi! My name is Taylor", but when they introduced themselves, they said, "I know my nametag says Taylor, but actually I go by Riley," what would you do? You'd just... call them Riley, right? You don't need to know why they have the wrong nametag to respect that their nametag is wrong. You probably wouldn't insist on calling them Taylor because that's what the nametag says. You probably wouldn't even ask how they ended up with a nametag that was wrong. Trans people are people, and they deserve respect just like anyone else. That's why this is simple- all you have to do is listen and be respectful, even if you don't understand. Wrapping up, here's my question to you. What is it about trans people that makes you uncomfortable? Think about it honestly, and try not to default to, "it's political correctness run amok! People are offended if you breathe too loudly!" Does it feel like a challenge to your own identity, either your gender identity or your sexuality? Is it a discomfort with society changing? Is it a fear of getting something wrong and offending someone? The vast majority of trans people I've met just want to be acknowledged for who they are. They'll politely correct people who misgender them or accidentally say something transphobic. And the ones who are the most aggressive or militant are the ones who have been hurt the most by a system that won't acknowledge them for who they are. It's a plea to be seen in a world that denies them that visibility. Maybe it isn't trans people that need to become less sensitive, but us who need to become more accepting. Some resources that you might be interested in if you liked this post: The Aesthetic | ContraPoints Social Constructs | Philosophy Tube "Transtrenders" |

ContraPoints Gender Critical | ContraPoints Judith Butler's Theory of Gender Performativity, Explained

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exploding-carrots · 3 years

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I’ve been wanting to draw or write out my ‘future’ Bottom ideas for a while but haven’t gotten around to it. So here’s a long post of some head canons and a general story line of them vaguely developing as people at some point set after the live shows. If anything this is just sort of my personal AU for the characters getting together. Mostly focused on the progression of Richie and Eddies relationship and my thoughts on both of them being trans

- They’re both trans, (a lot of Ades characters give me trans dudes vibes but that is 70% me wanting to time travel and body swap w the man) Eddie is a bi trans dude (who medically transitioned young, but is not necessarily out as either) and Richie is a closeted/repressed bi trans woman who begins to come to terms w it during the whole island era

- Richie is also intersex, which while yeah is sort of canon in a mean way, is sort of important to me for the character 🤭 However she is not aware of the fact

- Eddie is dyslexic and has ADHD which both contribute to him struggling on and off (which was really just a gag they went with when funny) with reading/writing depending on how well he can focus on it at any given time (example: the Edies Bra sign vs the grave stone). I am not even going to attempt to say what is going on w Richie but the woman is a mess of unresolved issues and trauma complications

- After everything they go through in the live shows they do somehow make it back to the flat which is unexplainably the exact way they left it.

- Every single joke about Richie going off and fucking dudes from the live show is taken as fact. It is the most poorly kept secret amongst the cast. They literally do not talk about it unless Eddie is trying to make a point or piss off Richie

- Eventually Eddie IS trying to piss off Richie and does bring up everything about her sex life and the clothes, and... well everything else. After a ridiculous fight it somehow turns into an almost semi-serious conversation. Eddie makes the assumption that Richie is gay and Richie counters with the fact that she is genuinely interested in women but it’s a hell of a lot easier to get attention from specific types of men. Gets some wheels turning in both of their heads

- Personality wise they never really calm down, but they do start to slow down a little bit as it takes them longer and longer to recover from their fights. Obviously there is still the odd dart to the forehead or gentle push down the stairs but the ridiculous games and completions they make up take center stage

- they get weed at some point (Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun seems like a feasible source, because let’s be honest if Richie and Eddie tried to buy weed it would not work) that leads to all sorts of embarrassment because Eddie gets crossfaded as all get out and starts hitting on Richie. Which while having a precedent in their history (I mean, the first episode gives us that right away) takes on a new sort of meaning once the concept of bisexuality has been rolling around in their heads. Nothing particularly saucy happens at this point Bc they are high, drunk, and old but all of the actual acknowledgement of feelings start to really develop after this point

- in an attempt to do something with her time Richie picks up sewing and picks up where she left off with the wrap skirt and rubber underwear she made on the island. Starts to really develop the little wardrobe she wears when she’s alone. It’s a mix of the same awful button up shirts she always wears and some dresses and skirts along with a couple pairs of sexier (for Richie at least) under garments

- eventually Eddie comes home while Richie is still in her feminine clothing. Eddies Reaction is different from the first time he saw her dressed up that way since now there is a precedent. Eddies approach is much more “playful teasing” and fake surprise than it was previously.

- Slowly Richie starts dressing up around the flat more and more often as opposed to just when alone. Eddie ramps up with the pet names and husband/house wife dynamic they already had going on.

- THE MOMENT is when Eddie is leaving the flat to go to the bar and there is an ‘accidental’ kiss on the cheek along with his usual good byes. Eddie realizes what has happened immediately and bolts before Richie can say anything. Richie has a moment of “teehee that was nice” still in her little fucking house wife head space before it catches up w her.

- Richie panics, paces around the flat, gets changed like 8 times, cooks dinner, throws it away, takes it out of the trash, paces more, breaks like 8 things, and essentially just fluctuates between “Ooo Eddie fancies me” to “oh fuck the bastard is making fun of me again” to “it was an accident and Eddie is going to make it into a fight” back to “ooo Eddie fancies Me~”

- eventually Eddie comes home, pissed to hell and back way later than he’d normally come home. Richies passed out on the couch. Eddie wakes her up by pushing her over on the couch so he can sit. Eddie says something along the lines of “I’m fucking drunk so I’m only going to say this one” before saying some incomprehensible drunken rambling and pulling Richie into an awkward full kiss. It’s a nice moment for maybe about 5 seconds before he stands up again, pulls a pint out of his jacket, chugs it and says something about drunkenly passing out before doing just that across the coffee table.

- Richie just sort of gawks at Eddie sleeping across the table before giddily tossing a blanket over him and heading off to actually go to bed.

- relationship wise this really just sort of introduces a sexual/physical dynamic to their relation while ramping up their camp version of domestic life

- it’s Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog who actually say something to Eddie about it. They’ve always been in on the “oh look, it’s Eddies terrifying wife” thing. Probably only actually say something about it after the 2nd or 3rd actual display of physical affection they witness. It’s more of one of them asking Eddie if Richie really is his wife (in that half aware sort of way they observe things). This alone doesn’t change much, but it does takes a lot to get through to any of these repressed bastards

- Richie grows accustomed to the more feminine/soft pet names that Eddie uses for her. At one point Eddie uses more traditionally masculine terms which sets off “oh actually I am not a fan of that” in Richies head and leads her to asking Eddie to not refer to her that way. Leads to an awkward half coming out on Richies part. Eddie does genuinely switch up how he refers to Richie at this point and her gender just sort of becomes an silent fact that they both respect. Everyone else sort of knows them as those weirdos who have some sort of common law marriage going on and it’s not really questioned. This is the point where Richie starts to earnestly medically transition without really saying to much about, canonically she has been on estrogen pills before (even if it was a ‘mistake’)

- End game is essentially just them being casual about their identities and relationships in a unspoken sort of “well that’s just how it is” way that naturally sort of bleeds into a the other aspects of their lives.

- Additional note on Eddie being trans: Richie is already vaguely aware of this fact Bc obviously they’ve been seen what the other is working with at one point or another but the fact that she is unaware that she herself is intersex and has a skewed sort of idea about genitals and peoples bodies Richie genuinely does not think about it all too much. Eddie assumes that she knows, especially as they get older and casually refers to being trans (in my mind probably during the entire “Edwina” disguise thing. I imagine Eddie wearing the dress came down to the clothing size and some off hand comment about him “having experience”, which is total shit Bc even before he transitioned Eddie never presented that way). That’s probably around the point that things start to click in Richies head about Eddies identity and she starts comparing and contrasting Eddie to other ppl and such.

#drug and alcohol mention #bbc bottom #bottom bbc #headcanons #the gay section #well in this case more of the t4t bi section

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radicallyreidentified · 3 years

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Nazi go home and stop hating the lgbtq+

This will be the only hate anon that I’ll reply to because I keep seeing radfems being compared to nazis so I want to break down why people who do this are wrong. So here’s your clout lol anon 😌 hope you felt better after sending that 🤷‍♀️

https://www.theholocaustexplained.org/the-nazi-rise-to-power/the-early-years-of-the-nazi-party/what-were-hitlers-ideas/

I’ll use this link for reference.

“[...] the Nazi Party held extremely nationalist, racist and antisemitic views.”

na·tion·al·ist

/ˈnaSH(ə)nələst/

noun

a person who strongly identifies with their own nation and vigorously supports its interests, especially to the exclusion or detriment of the interests of other nations.

First off, radfems aren’t a nation. Did you know that radfems come from ALL OVER THE WORLD. Also radfems hold different beliefs and you can’t identify which interest is “vigorously supported”. Radfems are for women only. Yet, they don’t support every women and her decisions so nope on that either. Radfems may disagree with the trans rights movement and exclude trans women. HOWEVER, wanting to female-only spaces is NOT the same as trying to eradicate every other nation and trying to kill those who disagree. There is no evidence that supports radfems are violent enough to kill anyone.

Racist

Now there are definitely some racist radfems no doubt. But also fun fact, a MAJORITY of the radfem movement is from people of different ethnicities that are not just white!! Most South Korean feminists are radfems. We have plenty of Jewish radfems (who you’re also calling nazis btw). We have many black radfems and the list goes on. I personally am a white radfem so I don’t want to speak over black radfems who may want to add to this but radical feminism in itself is not racist because it has nothing to do with race. And, most radfems agree that racism+sexism is much harder to deal with.

Antisemetic

Did I mention there were Jewish radfems? Oh yeah, I guess I did. Also did you know that fun fact, a good majority of radfems, like myself, don’t hate Jewish people. We do not think they’re the typical stereotypes hitler encouraged. A majority of radfems do not wish hostility or have prejudices against Jewish people.

“Hitler had a racist world view. He believed that people could be separated into a hierarchy of different races, where some races were superior and others were inferior.”

Now, radfems also don’t believe in a hierarchy of different races, religions or even sexuality. A majority of radfems don’t believe in any type of hierarchy as a matter of fact. If we did, it would then prove in some shape or form that men are better than women or vice versa. It, at its core, goes against radfem beliefs.

“Hitler also wanted to rid Germany of the disabled, homosexuals, Roma and Sinti, and other minorities that did not fit in to his idea of an Aryan race.”

Oh yeah, did you know that there are probably millions of radfems that are homosexual women? Or at the very least, same sex attracted? I know I myself am a lesbian. So to say I hate the “lgbtq+” is funny because I’m actually a part of it and I grew to accept myself and support other female homosexuals. I also used to be transgender and I suffer from dysphoria and actually went through some medical transitioning. Hitler would have KILLED ME. The nazi party (that you claim I’m a part of) would deem me “not fit for the aryan race”.

There are also plenty of disabled radfems. And they also talk a lot about these things. Hands down, the nazi party would kill most of the radfems here.

There’s more but this post is getting long enough and I think I made my point. Calling me a nazi because I am critical of the transgender movement and the MOGAI community is not the same as being a nazi.

So if you’re looking to insult me at least pick one that isn’t racist or antisemetic. Because you’re spitting on the faces of 6 million people who have suffered and died in horrible ways.

#feminism #radical feminism #radfem

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werevulvi · 3 years

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So I've been away from tumblr for a while. Not sure how long. Maybe a month? I'm writing a book (fiction) so I've been and still am busy with more fulfilling distractions from reality than social media. The book I'm writing is about a woman, Olga, who's transitioning like me, but then she's an assassin. I don't wanna get into all the itty gritty details of that until I'm done, but writing that book has been serving as a great distraction from my gender issues. Except I need to take breaks from my hyper-focused super intense writing spree at times to not accidentally boil my brain. What? Is working on a project for 10+ hours a day, every day, for over a month a little much? Sorry I can't hear you over my autistic hyperfocus. And those breaks get me tossed right back into... mostly dysphoria. That’s what I wanted to rant about.

I know this is an unfair accusation, but sometimes I wonder just how paranoid and anxious feminism has made me. I fully abhor victim mentality, but sometimes reading feminist posts, articles, etc, about the various evils of men (crime statistics, female victims' accounts of male violence, etc) makes me feel... like a victim, and hopeless, for being female. And it requires a lot of effort to dig myself out of that pit. I need to remind myself that I can trust men, that most of them are not violent, that they're not the real enemy, and that women are not so different from men. Otherwise what? Otherwise I'd give into my PTSD and get drowned out by my dysphoria.

PTSD says all men are dangerous and want my pussy, either to harm it or fuck it. PTSD says it's my fault I'm a victim of sexual trauma, because I am female. And I dunno why, but sometimes feminism echoes that sentiment, and that's not great for my recovery, or my long term pursuit of happiness. Dysphoria says I'm too different from men and that's why I hate being female. Dysphoria doesn't want any special treatment just because I'm female. Feminism echoes what my dysphoria says, sometimes, and that's not great. Dysphoria wants equal treatment. Receiving equity due to my "failed" sex feels like... I dunno, like wanting to crawl out of my fucking skin and set it on fire, I suppose. Bad female skin humiliating me. Because that again reminds me that my sex being female is what's wrong, and not the treatment of women as "weaker" and more emotionally frail. Then my solution is to get rid of my femaleness, so that I can be strong, fast and free. Independent enough to open a fucking jar. I feel trapped in the unfairness itself.

I still want to be different from women, not from men. I want to stand out among women, and I'm jokingly boasting about how I'm such an NLOG (Not Like Other Girls) and proud to be different, in masculine ways. I'm proud to be hairier, having a deeper voice, and that female socialization didn't stick to me as much. And likewise, I feel good when I'm similar to men, blend in among them, am compared to them as an equal to them, and that I managed to pick up on some male socialization. This is more subconscious, and not something I really think about.

I still wish I was male, and that impossible dream still hurts, I guess. I've been trying to distract myself from those thoughts by writing my book and... having sexual fantasies in which I am male. Clearly my own home made therapy that made me connect somewhat with being female (3 years ago) was ineffective in the long run, but now I can't possibly make myself believe I'm a man again, just because I still/again wish I was male. It comes and goes, yes, but it's seemingly in a curvy line that over time points me in the dysphoric direction, and not in the desisting direction. And that's what's so hard. That I basically have to force myself to this realization that... I can't talk myself out of my dysphoria, and that that little bit of connection I got to my sex 3 years ago, was an appetizer for a meal I'll never have. That feels cruel.

And I keep telling myself I don't have dysphoria. Nah, I'm just transitioning for the heck of it. If only!

I don't wanna be trans, and I don't wanna be dysphoric. I wanna be male, but that's different. I can't even see myself as a man simply because I am not male and can never be. Thus, I'm a woman, and unhappy with it. Yet, I clearly can't function as a woman socially either, and that frustrates me. I'm happy that I can look and sound so convincingly male in my appearance, and I'm really excited to go back on testosterone, but I... I feel trapped, in a medical condition I cannot escape. And it doesn't matter what fucking caused it, it's not going away! Point is it's not going away! I've tried for sixteen years! I am tired! And now I can't even call myself a man without laughing all the way to hell and back.

Everyone wants to be trans nowadays. Everyone who benefits from a new label. But I don't. Clearly I don't have an easy time with it, and it might be because I just have a shit ton of sex/physical dysphoria, and not even calling myself a man helps. It just adds insult to injury. I don't wanna play pretend, goddamnit, I wanna be a real boy! That's "problematic" to say, because I shouldn't shatter other trans people's dreams. Well, mine's shattered and I wanna whine about it. I don't blame them for their identities. How could I? Ignorance is bliss, and I miss bliss.

I think that's why I feel like I'm a woman who just wishes she was a man, and kinda always have. I wrote it in my diary when I was 16, four years before I even came out as trans, before I knew anything about trans ideology or gender critical or anything, but I knew I was dysphoric and fit the loose criteria for FTM transsexuals, and I didn't like that verdict. It felt like a death sentence, and now... now it feels like a cruel joke.

I don't think I'm really all that different from trans men. De-gendered, perhaps, but still just as bloody dysphoric and still just as much of a testosterone junkie. I'm just a less happy go lightly kinda FtM. I've always been a bit of a nihilist. The "if you leave the half full glass it will eventually dry the fuck out no matter how much water you keep pouring up into it, because the nature of water is to vaporize" -kinda nihilist, not the "the glass is half empty" -kind. Yes, there is a difference. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a hardcore realist, and reality is... being trans sucks and I can't do fucking shit about it. I want a solution, not rose tinted goggles. But at this point, I'd take that too. I've tried... but they keep falling off.

Perhaps I'm too autistic to get gender identity, or maybe I just don't have social dysphoria or gender incongruence, perhaps it just feels so fucking pointless. Words... they're just blah blah blah. They have whatever meaning we put in them. So I changed my personal meaning of "woman" to include my dysphoria and beard, and since then I'm fine with calling myself a woman. But woman is still just a word. It's what I am that I dislike, not what I'm supposed to call it. My problem is not in how people perceive me. They can perceive me as a stranded jelly fish if they so wish, it doesn't change reality that I'm an adult human female. And it's reality, that biological reality, that bothers me.

And I don't like that I realised that, because biological reality is the one thing I can't change. I can change my identity, but my identity as a woman is not the problem. The problem is my sex is still persistently female. And I don't wanna change what is not a problem. Why fix what ain't broken? I get that my sex isn't broken either (well it might be now, considering I've smashed it with testosterone) but I just don't wanna be a woman. Because dysphoria. No point in arguing. It just goes round and round in circles. I can't make a logical argument for why I don't like ketchup either though. It always comes back to "but I just don't like it."

I just get sad, sometimes, over being female, and uncomfortable. And I get envious of men's bodies, and then I get sad I can't have that. And I try to emulate what men's bodies do, which makes me feel a bit better, but then I remember I'm still female, and I try to be okay with that. Sometimes I even half succeed, and feel like "yeah, being a woman is actually kinda badass!" but then I remember that a cranky uterus and estrogen exist in my body, acting as if they want me to suffer a slow (very slow) death, and I get sad again. Is trying to like being a woman even worth it, considering that's mostly been going downhill since I was 3 years old? Well what the hell are my options, aside from that?! Pretending to be a man? Pretending that the nonbinary labels could do anything at all to benefit my existence?

I'm sorry, but I don't see the appeal, in either of those options. I'll try to just exist. That became my focus; just existing. But I can't distract myself 24/7. Because as soon as I stop distracting myself, for even just a minute, I get caught in the inevitable doom that is my dysphoria, and how hopelessly trapped I am inside it.

#dysphoria #transition #ftm #gender #rant #vent #writing a book #gender critical #non-pc #different types of dysphoria #transmasc

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newhologram · 3 years

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Now that I'm once again committing to being openly #trans, stepping out of the rain and under the umbrella that used to keep me dry, I wrote something up for family, friends, and followers who may have questions:

Dear family, friends, and Holograms: Thank you for your kind messages. Even though most of you already knew this about me for so long, it feels so good to be more public, to be a voice just by being me, and to have your support. It's amazing to me to see that many of you have stepped into the role of an ally and are willing to learn more.

I'm writing this up to maybe offer some clarifications on things relating to trans identity in general but mostly my personal experience with gender. It's my hope that this will give you a template to work from. I don't want anyone to be so worried about offending me that they don't know how to talk to/about me. I want this to be comfortable for all of us. This is only my experience of gender at this time, so please remember that if you meet another trans/nb person, they will likely have a completely different experience than me.

Let's start with queer, which is an umbrella term for anyone who is not cisgender and/or heterosexual. It can be a useful label for someone who is not interested in having to spell out both their sexual/romantic orientation and their gender identity every time (it can get complicated even for us). Some of us might not fit neatly into the letters of LGBTQIA (notice it contains Q still) so this is the reason some people are comfortable with the label. Sometimes we do fit into the acronym, but queer is inclusive and we like it. It's also what's often used in academia. Queer history, queer literature, queer art, etc. Freddie Mercury is often referred to as a queer icon for example. Now, it can be a regional thing, as in some parts of America, queer is not considered a reclaimed slur (since it means "weird") like it is for say, a lot of Californians. While some of us feel empowered to own being "different" or "weird" while fighting for representation and rights, others may object to being called "not normal". Ultimately it's always up to the individual to decide what they are comfortable calling themselves, not what other people should be allowed to call themselves. I was always the weird kid and I have so much trauma around that and as an adult I'm like... yeah, you know what, I'm queer and proud. Now onto gender which is the focus of this post: transgender is an umbrella term. Trans as a prefix means "across" or "beyond", so transgender people have experiences and identities across or beyond gender. Non-binary is a gender identity under the trans umbrella. It refers to identities that are not strictly within the binary of man or woman. Non-binary itself is another umbrella term for many different genders such as agender (without gender), pangender (all genders), genderfluid (gender that shifts and changes), and many more. Gender is complex and varied across cultures and societies, so that's why there are so many different ways to describe it. Some may feel that not just one word works for their experience, so they may choose multiple labels or maybe even none at all. AFAB (assigned female at birth) and AMAB (assigned male at birth) is a way to describe what our assigned sex is without using "biological" or "born a (sex/gender)" as this is often used to invalidate trans experience --however, a lot of trans people who have transitioned may find it helpful to describe their experience as "born (and raised as) a girl" (again, up to the individual). We are all assigned sexes at birth but this obviously has no bearing on our gender identity or expression.

When I was a teen, "transsexual" was commonly used to describe a transgender person who transitioned, but this has fallen mostly out of use by now--But remember that being trans is not just about medically transitioning to another sex. There are many trans/nb people who do not transition, or who may make changes here and there to make their bodies more comfortable and fit their identity without necessarily transitioning. Whether or not this is a transition is going to be up to the individual. The social transition of coming out as trans/nb can be just as drastic as anything medical. (For those wondering why it even matters when celebrities come out as trans/nb if they aren't going to "change their bodies"--Visibility and authenticity. Just like I'm doing.)

Now on to me: I cannot accurately or concisely describe my lived experience of gender since it's informed every other experience of my life, but I will try. I'm NB and I definitely don't feel like a woman, but this doesn't necessarily mean I feel like a man either. "Boy" and "girl" do feel more relatable and accessible for some reason. I feel simultaneously and alternatingly like either, both, neither, all, any, and also just me.

Like I said, I can't really describe it. But for whatever reason, "boy", especially "feminine boy" has always felt more like my default energy. Don't ask me why, it is what it is. When I put on makeup, I never feel like a girl doing it even if I'm consciously exploring an archetype like "flapper girl" for example. It has always felt like princess drag to me. People were clocking me on this even when I tried to be a normal "girl". I often wonder if this is why I always felt so ugly before and now when I fully embody my gender as it is, I suddenly feel beautiful and comfortable. I feel closest to feminine or fluid archetypes, it's just how I express myself. This would not change if I were AMAB, I'd be just as feminine. I'd still be the same me.

Pronouns, for me: I can't say that my feelings on this will stay the same forever, but for now, I'm okay with any and all pronouns. I have some longtime followers who refer to me as he/him and that's amazing and so affirming!! *chef's kiss* But it's totally okay to use she/her with me too. Because I am aligned with feminine archetypes, I can't resist using she/her for myself often especially if I'm all dressed up in kawaii drag. They/them is also acceptable. This also goes for it being okay to refer to me as either a girl or a boy (or gendered family relation terms. But like, I'm Mommy to my cats, not Daddy xD)--Even though I'm not strictly one or the other, I feel all genders. While I agree with the common AFAB feeling of it being frustrating that she/her/girl/woman is always going to be considered my default by most people, and that this is/was a source of a lot of my gender dysphoria, I promise you won't offend me by referring to me as such. Often when speaking out my experience of being perceived as a woman, I might refer to myself as such because I'm talking about the way I am interacted with. (ie, it's okay to DM me like "HEY GIRL:･ﾟ✧ but the only way you’ll actually offend me is to insist I am “just a girl”/invalidate my lived experience/try to dictate my identity and labels)

It's still hard for me to share this very vulnerable part of my identity, even after having talked about it for 10 years online and with friends already. I'm probably going to keep having waves of anxiety over this as I shift into living daily life from the truest expression of myself. It really is enough for now to have you recognizing and acknowledging this very special big part of who I am and how I live. To be able to say it now everywhere and not just on my blog feels like a new universe being born. In closing, here are examples if that was too much information to ingest and understand all at once and you're not sure what words to use when referring to me: "This is my [family member], she's queer." "This is my friend New's page, he's non-binary." "This is my coworker's art, she's genderfluid." "This is a blogger I follow, they're pangender." "New is a trans model, this is his latest work." These labels and pronouns are all fine! :> I love you all. Thank you for letting me shine.

#teku #personal #gendery wendery #long post #this is written mostly for my family members who want to be allies #just thought it would help them a lot #and save me time explaining to everyone xD

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admiralty-xfd · 4 years

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cross to bear

This story first appeared in Volume 2 of the MSR Fanzine. The ending has been slightly edited.

It first meets Dana when she’s fifteen.

Braces, freckles, awkward teenage-ness. It’s comfortable against her chest, nestled against her heart, hearing it beating. Slow and steady while she sleeps, then faster when the boy with sandy hair in homeroom touches her hand as he passes back a pencil.

It’s just a small piece of gold but it stays put, constant, like her faith.

At first her faith is in Him, that ubiquitous Him she’s known since childhood. He watches over her, He keeps her safe. He is there when no one else can be. And this particular faith ebbs and flows with age.

High school, college, medical school. Worn, unworn. Sometimes she is faithful, on nights when her heart is broken by some insufficient male and she misses her mother and it’s too late to call; those nights she wears the cross, holds the cool metal between her fingers and imagines Him, protecting her, guiding her.

And other times she is not so faithful, those days where her scientific rigor is put to the test, where she knows in her mind He simply cannot be but somehow He is there on her shoulder anyway, ever-present, judging her for leaving the cross in the small dish on her nightstand.

The length of its chain changes over time, as does its vantage point from her neck (although not by much). But the cross remains: part of her, steadfast and true.

†

It first meets her partner thirteen years later.

Only from across the room at first, but it always knows him by the way Dana’s heart beats faster, like it used to when she was younger. It happens so rarely anymore.

Her faith has never been so tested in all of her life: faith that first was confronted by hard evidence in various labs that shattered it to pieces. Now, with Mulder, the reverse seems to occur: her hard evidence is continually being shattered by miracles, by doubts. It’s difficult to know what to believe anymore.

Trust is fleeting, oblique. But not with him. From the very beginning she has faith in him. And it is true faith, genuine faith, because she cannot explain or quantify it: it just is.

Perhaps it’s simply her faith transitioning naturally from Him to him, but soon she wears the cross all the time again. And just as it settles back into its comfortable place at the hollow of her throat it is ripped away from her neck, discarded onto the itchy fabric floor of a stranger’s trunk.

And she is gone.

†

Her partner’s hand is the next thing it feels. Closing around it, larger, rougher than hers.

“Scully!?”

He calls for her desperately in the chill of night, his hand clutching the cross as if it were a piece of her; his only piece of her.

He knows so little about her yet that he places the cross into the shaking hand of her mother, a piece of Scully he is not familiar with. He feels strongly the cross belongs with her family.

But Margaret Scully knows that her daughter’s faith doesn’t come from the cross; it comes from Fox Mulder. And it doesn’t belong with her.

It belongs with him.

†

Putting the necklace on is strange for him. His family was never religious so neither was he. Funny how that happens.

But he worries if he doesn’t wear it, he will lose it. He’s already lost her; he can’t bear the thought.

It’s been difficult going into the office every day. Even before her abduction it was difficult; knowing she wouldn’t be waiting with a stack of research and those reliable indulgent eyes he’d become so accustomed to. But now, it’s worse. Everything just hurts all the time. He feels solely responsible, the only person who might have prevented this and he couldn’t.

Just like Samantha. Once again, he couldn’t save her.

The responsibility of finding his partner consumes his every thought. He doesn’t realize the weight of this immediately but day after day, the cross hangs heavier around his neck, against his chest, under his shirt; a constant reminder of her absence. His heart beats but something is different; empty. He is not himself.

Head down, eyes forward, he continues the work, because it’s the only thing he can do for her.

†

Malibu Canyon. Santa Ana winds. Blazing fires that will grow out of control, much like his own judgment. A choice that becomes a mistake.

“All I know is normal is not what I feel.”

He isn’t normal, not really. It’s clear he is in a dark place, an unfamiliar place. Just like Scully.

Just like her cross, he thinks, touching it.

This stranger is dark and mysterious. He’s drawn to her, because he is Fox Mulder, and he gravitates toward darkness more often than he’d like to admit. But more likely, he feels deserving of the dark right now.

“You’ve lost someone. Not a lover, a friend.”

The stranger isn’t wrong. His devotion extends to their partnership, it's purely professional.

Or is it?

He’s barely learned to know Scully, and to uncover the precise depth of his own feelings for her. It’s a band of elasticity, constantly pushing forward and back, one feeling one day, an entirely new one the next. He doesn’t know what he’s allowed to feel for her, what he should allow himself to feel.

Perhaps that’s why he lets the stranger in tonight: to feel something, anything; to take a brief moment of pleasure within this hellscape of pain. Nearly two years into his partnership with Scully and he’s only just realizing he’s subconsciously avoided sex with anyone else.

What does this mean?

Maybe he wants to save Kristen because he wants to save Scully. Like he wanted to save Samantha.

So many different feelings are bouncing around his mind, and faced with the attractive and eager stranger he lands on sex as the answer. Fucking Kristen is not an acceptable substitute for saving Scully, not at all, but it’s what she seems to want.

And what he wants is to feel something.

The cross dangles between his sweaty chest and the stranger, making it impossible to forget his partner even for a moment. And he hates himself for doing this; for failing Scully, for the time he’s spending not searching for her, and fucking some random stranger instead.

What does this mean?

Afterwards he extracts himself from her grasp, collecting his clothes from the couch and resuming his position in her living room. The silent sentinel.

The silent, useless sentinel.

†

The cross goes back to its rightful owner. Mulder is tight-lipped, almost bashful as he places it into her palm. Scully wonders about this.

She’d felt him when she was in the white place, wherever it was, whatever they’d done to her. She’d known somehow she would see him again. It was the only thing that kept her going.

Their work, the quest, the truth. These are the things she’s convinced herself she needed to come back for. But now, as he opens her door for his second visit, she sees the face of a true friend. Her truest friend.

He is who she’s come back for.

“I watched your football video,” she greets him.

“Really?”

“No.” She smiles.

“Funny.”

“Sorry,” she smirks. “When you’ve stared death in the face your priorities tend to change.”

He chuckles. “Mark my words, one night you’ll run out of things to watch and in an act of desperation...” he trails off.

“Stranger things have happened,” she admits. He sits, gingerly, in the chair beside her bed. “Thanks for coming, Mulder.”

“Of course,” he says. His hands rest on his thighs. He appears restless, uncertain.

She thinks about her necklace, how he kept it safe for her all these weeks. Mulder isn’t the tidiest of bachelors. Was it in his pocket? Strewn across his nightstand? Dangling from the edge of the framed picture of Samantha on his desk?

“How did you manage not to lose this?” she asks, holding the chain of her necklace taut. “I’m amazed it didn’t disappear forever into one of your piles of stuff.”

His hand goes to the back of his neck, awkwardly. “I, uh… I wore it, actually.”

Surprise floods her heart. “You?”

“Yeah, I never took it off.”

She smiles, touched. “Wow, Mulder.” She doesn’t say it, but she thinks it: I never left his mind.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” he breathes, as if the words have been bottled up inside his chest.

“Me neither.” She is reflective. “There was a moment when I felt like letting go.”

“But here you are.”

Her hand goes instinctively to the cross. “Here I am.”

“What made you change your mind?”

Does she tell him? “I felt you with me, Mulder. You believed I wasn’t ready to go, and I believed you.”

I had the strength of your beliefs.

He nods, smiles. There isn’t much else to say. She made it home, and so did the cross. Her faith in him has been rewarded.

†

A stormy night in Philadelphia. Raw, newly inked flesh. A choice that becomes a mistake.

The cross dangles between herself and a stranger. She hadn’t planned this, not at all, but it’s happening just the same.

“Sounds a little like your time has come around again.”

The stranger isn’t wrong. She’s earned attention, but isn’t getting it from Mulder. The stranger is here, though.

As unfamiliar hands grip her hips and unfamiliar eyes look into hers she instead sees Mulder, thinks of Mulder. Feels Mulder. And she hates herself for doing this; for failing him, for spending time not being honest with him, and fucking some random stranger instead.

This all began with a strong urge to prove that she is desirable, that she is wanted. That she is worthy of attention.

But she’s discovered she only wants that from Mulder.

What does this mean?

When it’s over she and the stranger lay awkwardly strewn across the floor of his sparse living room. He offers her the bed, because for now, he’s a gentleman. Her hand goes to the cross Mulder wore while he searched for her years ago.

He never leaves her mind.

†

They sit in the dim lamplight of a motel, him propped against the headboard, reading a book. She sits cross legged at the foot of the bed in his Yankees shirt, a pillow in her lap, just watching him read, which apparently serves as a legitimate activity these days.

“How many women have you been with, Mulder?”

He looks up, surprised. “Oh god, are we doing this?”

He can’t recall, he doesn’t really want to recall. But he isn’t afraid to. Being on the run from the law makes these heart to heart talks between them unavoidable. For the first time in nine years they are no longer afraid of the truth.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,” she grins.

He removes his glasses and sets them on the bedside table, raising an eyebrow. “Ooh, really? How many women have you been with, Scully?”

She throws the pillow at him. “You know what I mean.”

The temptation to find out if she’d actually slept with Ed Jerse is too great so he agrees. “Okay. You go first,” he says.

“Hey! This is my game, I asked first,” she grins.

“Consider it my only condition.”

She sighs, leans over, stretching herself on her stomach across their bed. As she does this, his shirt rides up her back, revealing one of his favorite views. White cotton panties have never looked so exciting. She drags her finger along his leg. “I already know, Mulder.”

“Know what?”

“Which one you want to know about.”

“Am I that transparent?”

“The answer is yes,” she says quickly, and the words sting. He knew; deep down he thinks he’s always known. But it’s always bothered him; that maybe if he hadn’t behaved the way he did none of it would have happened. The one night stand, the subsequent attack, all of it.

“Can I ask... why?”

She catches his eye. “You can ask me whatever you want, Mulder. But that’s not really part of the game.”

He searches her eyes. He has to know. “Why?”

She moves to sit up on her knees. Her fingers move to her cross and it reminds him instantly of Kristen, and why he has no reason or excuse to be angry with her about Ed Jerse.

“I was lost,” she shrugs, looking at the cross. “I didn’t know at the time how I felt about you. I was acting out, like a kid, like I was stealing my mom’s cigarettes again.”

“So… nothing to do with me, then?”

Her eyes drift up to his face and she pins him with a look. “It had everything to do with you, Mulder. I just didn’t realize it until afterwards.”

He nods, wanting to understand. He thinks maybe he does; his own situation with Kristen was surprisingly similar. He mentally prepares for the impending divulgence he hadn’t anticipated tonight.

“It feels good to tell you, though,” she says, absently fingering the necklace. “Finally.”

“It feels good not to wonder anymore.”

“Now you go,” she says. He doesn’t press her for more tonight; this feels like enough.

“Are we counting the 1-900 women?”

“No. We’d be here all night,” she laughs. It’s not as if they have anywhere else to be, anything else to do, but he’s relieved nonetheless.

“Well, a few girls at Oxford.” Post Phoebe Green.

“I had no idea you were such a player, Mulder.”

“I wasn’t,” he admits. “Bit of a self-destructive streak, you know.”

“Ah.” She’d met Phoebe. She knows. “What about after you met me?” In her haste to avoid all mention of his past with Diana she’d inadvertently put him in a position to either be completely honest about Kristen or lie to her face. He will not do the latter, not anymore.

“There was one,” he confesses. “While you were… gone.”

She is silent. She had absolutely no idea. He suddenly feels like maybe he shouldn’t have told her at all, but then where would they be? What kind of honesty, what kind of trust could they claim?

He reaches out, touching her chin, making her look at him. “I was lost, too, Scully.”

She exhales softly. “Who was she?”

“Does it matter?” he asks. “She wasn’t you.”

She smiles, seemingly satisfied. Then her expression changes slightly. “But… you said you wore my cross while I was gone. Are you telling me…?” her eyebrow goes up.

Oh… yikes. “Um.” He can feel his face turn white and knows he could never tell a lie of the same color. “I’m sorry. Are you upset?”

“Why would I be upset?” she asks, perfectly seriously.

He shakes his head, opening his mouth, but he can’t form words. His guilt exists, but he’s unable to explain it properly. His heart had been hers already, he just hadn’t known it.

“It was so many years ago, Mulder,” she reassures him. “Before us. Before any of this. Besides...” she says with a smile, touching the tiny gold cross that settles into the hollow at her throat. “I was closer to your heart than she was.”

Her words touch him: his Scully, endlessly devoted to him. Finding the good in every shitty thing he’s ever done. Will he ever deserve it?

“You were, you know.”

She nods. She knows. “We were both stupid for so many years, Mulder,” she continues. “I’m not about to make a checklist and keep score.”

He chuckles. “Well that’s a relief.”

“Because you’d lose?” she grins.

“Because I’d lose.”

She laughs in response, gazing into his eyes. “I hope you know this isn’t a contest,” she says. “It never was.”

“I still think I’d lose, Scully.”

She runs her fingers through his hair. “I think we’ve both won,” she whispers, and she's right, as usual.

He smiles, but his eyes turn serious. “I really should have been more careful with it.” He takes the cross between his fingers, softly dipping his index finger into the hollow at her throat and she shivers. Her eyes darken and she brings her hands to the back of her neck, unclasping the necklace. She then leans forward, putting it around his own neck.

"You'll be careful with it," she says. "I have faith in you."

He raises an eyebrow in question and, in answer, she draws him in for a kiss, long and decadent. He closes his eyes, savoring every last bit, and her kiss absolves him; the cross no longer feels heavy around his neck.

They move together, his hands squeezing her flesh, her fingernails embedded in his back. He whispers her name into her ear, she moans his in return.

The cross dangles between two hearts now, two hearts that beat wildly only for each other.

#txf fanfic #msr fic #msr #never again #3 #one breath #admiralty #my fic

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mr-kamiyama · 4 years

Text

A Word for Zoomers Who're Told They're "Making Up" Genders and Orientations.

I'm an Xer.

Well, actually I'm in that b.1977-85 throe where no two people can agree what I am. I'm Post Dankai Junior in the old country, but I was too old to be a kid for Pokémon, Harry Potter, I caught Digimon 02 during its premiere US run a rare Saturday the firm I worked at, that normally had Saturday hours, was closed. I met Windows Millennium Edition because a housemate, as back then, I'd realised I wanted to live with company, wanted to upgrade our computer to the newest version of Windows (and I promptly made AMVs using GIFs and lost them to the sands of time all before YouTube even existed) So that gives you an idea of my age.

I came out for the first time in high school. I came out as bi.

In Japan, transness, like here had different words we no longer use, but unlike here, wasn't a secret.

If I'd stayed in Japan just one more year, in '95 politician Kamikawa Aya began advocating on NHK for trans rights.

Maybe I'd've learned that transition *to* male and actual medical treatment like HRT to make that possible existed a whole lot sooner.

But I didn't. And so, I didn't realise it was actually something I could *do* and I wasn't doomed to be stuck until about 2010.

I claimed "bi" in the '90s, and mistook "you're a really cool person and really nice to me when few people are and so I really like you in a platonic sense" +aesthetic attraction for crushes of a romantic and sexual nature.

The SAM model was developed by bi people in the '70s, but where and when I was, there weren't exactly highly visible LGBT centres where I could learn this. So I thought any orientation had to be "x-sexual"

And I only knew about straight, gay/lesbian, and bi.

Which, the term "laaaaaaaabelllls" was coined by biphobic people my age. See, we weren't like people today, who literally can't live because of unfettered crony capitalism. You could get a nice studio on the nice side of town for eight days' work at minimum wage (of course, being POC, you had to find the right realtor), which back then was under four dollars an hour. You could get a 2br/1.5ba rowhouse for about two weeks' worth, which is half a month, but these days, that much work will get you a barely-studio in shoot-you-in-the-face-in-broad-daylight territory.

But we were still plenty suspicious of marketing. So queerphobic Xers went "don't make me acknowledge your filthy non-mono sexuality! What if I told you naming what you are is dehumanising, like labelling a jar of mayo, and you're the product!"

Which is no different that queerphobic Millennials claiming "Queer is a slur uwu call it gay because cisgay and cishet are the only valid IDs uwu Gay has never ever been used as a pejorative uwu"

Which is also bunk because back in the '90s, if one young man did ANYTHING another didn't like, the other one could call it and him "gaaayyy" and that would be a homophobic attack via toxic masculinity on the first young man. Heck, I don't listen to much grunge, though I did at the time, but it's used this way in some Nirvana song. I just can't remember which one.

Anyway, so I claimed bi and spent the next 23 or so years fighting for it even against physical violence to make me claim something in the false straight/gay binary

All along, I thought "the mushy stuff squicks me because I'm a guy (insert ways I justified things before I realised that yes, I actually am male for prior to 2010)" which, yeah, I'm still sorting through the myriad manifestations of toxic masculinity and learning to spot them. What that actually is is romance repulsion.

I'm actually aroace.

To go further, I actually have very strong platonic affection feelings, and "idemromantic" is not necessarily my actual identity, but that, and at least some idea, if even wrong, that the other party was interested, was how I sorted whether I should approach the other person as "friend" or "potential partner" subconsciously.

Plus to further complicate things, I'm sex-favourable ace/cupiosexual, which meant that just hearing limited definitions of things like sex repulsion in aces didn't clue me in. It wasn't until discussing what sexual attraction was with a newly-realised gay first wave Xer last year that I realised I had no idea what that was and had never felt it, and was therefore asexual. Which after the discussion with that guy, I dove into readings by you all on Tumbler first.

And I only realised I'm aromantic last month, though I've been questioning for actually a year this month.

Now, I'd say my aesthetic attraction is definitely bi, and yes, I accept the redefinition made with the info we have now of two or more genders including your own" which *I read* as "but not necessarily all genders, and perceived gender is a factor" whereas pan seems to me like "perceived gender is not a factor in attraction" ??

Now, I still actually don't have an idea about my potential aesthetic feelings towards people who present NB. The men and women I feel it towards tend to have this or that decidedly masculine or feminine traits, and I may never, because people my age are less likely to come out.

Whether orientation or gender, people my age are products of a very binary 20th century. We were really all sorts of shape pegs, but many of us were and still are dodecahedrons and whatnot with choices of only square, circle, and mayyybe triangle holes.

Naturally, the dodecahedrons and the hexagons all tried to jam themselves in circle and square holes, whichever ones it looked like we could maybe wedge into.

This means plenty of us are going around thinking things like "I guess I don't like sex because I'm a woman" or "I guess I don't like the mushy stuff because I'm a man" or "I don't feel female so I guess I'm a man because I'm AMAB and that's all I got" etc.

Those most likely to come out are those with very strong NB/aro/ace feelings WHO BECOME INFORMED. And some may still not, or those with feelings they can't sort, because they've lived so long the previous way, they may at least feel they have too much to lose.

There's also people like me that need a lot of info to realise they were misreading their own feelings due to decades of amatonormative/heteronormative/binarist/toxic masculine brainwashing.

(I still don't like the term "toxic masculine" because I really want a term where we have more room to redefine "masculine" as decidedly masculine but wholly without the toxic stuff that's so married to "manliness," room to reject that stuff and revision manliness, but whatever)

THE REASON OLDER GENERATIONS DON'T HAVE THIS STUFF IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INVENTING IT. IT IS BECAUSE OUR TIME DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

Yes, I think it's funny imaging how lost you'd be trying to use an 8-track player, or a library card catalogue actually made of index cards.

And had I not miscarried in December 2003 and had a sixteen year old, I'd have had them set up the internet TV device I got instead of three hours barely restraining myself from breaking it into pieces just like I was the only one who was able to figure out how to set the VCR clock and VCR+ timers when we got one when I was young. Which my difficulty with this stuff is more like a Boomer than an Xer. Most of my peers are pretty savvy. Sometimes my friends can tele-help me.

And I think new music,which I define as post-Y2K, stinks.

So I'm not hip and new. Plenty about me is just like your parents.

But no, you aren't making this up. And you're informing a lot of us. You're waking us up to how truly diverse humanity is. You're waking some of us up to who we really are.

And as for those of you who have crummy and even Karen parents, two things:

A. The Latino kids took me and the other Asian in in high school. There aren't many Asians in FL. (The "Another Chinese Family" bit on Fresh Off The Boat is so real) There are definitely some crummy Xers out there, and that's been true all along. There was even a right-wing youth org called "young republicans." There were Regean-loving racist queerphobes all along. They made my life miserable in high school, too.

B. There are also others like me that believe in you. That actually need you. You're bringing *back* a diversity that was smothered by colonial Europe. Historical precedent is actually on your side.

Thank you. I mean it. You're doing good, you're legit, and there are a lot of us who believe in you, too.

#nonbinary #gen z #aromanticism #asexuality #queer #gen x #xennial #the name for people in that weird throe the Boomer/X debated throe is Gen Jones they both have names #intergenerational stuff #diversity #long post #i said a word but more like a thesis www

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genderpunktheo · 5 years

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Hey! I'm really not trying to, like, start drama or anyhting but i really want an actual trans persons oppinion on somehting: I think you do need dysphoria to be trans, but i also think that peoples definition of dysphoria is wrong, which is why people say you dont. because medically dysphoria basically means that how (you feel that) someone views your body is different to what you actually are. and for trans people, thats basically that people see you as a gender that youre not (1/2)

And I think that thats a necessity to be trans? Like, you arent the gender you were assigned. But I think the disconnect comes because people claim dysphoria means hating your body which, it can, but it doesnt always? idk. i just wanted to get a trans persons opinion on this because obviously, i could be missing something.

Hi nonnie! Sorry in advance, this is gonna get really long cause I have a lot of Thoughts™ but hopefully, this helps!

So I don’t think that you need gender dysphoria to be trans and I have several reasons and sources for that but I’m glad you asked about it and did it in such a polite way! Props to you for reaching out honestly.

First up, I do agree with you that some of this disagreement on whether you do or don’t need it, comes down to people using different definitions. Some folks who think you do need to have dysphoria are defining it only as a disconnect from your assigned gender (this can be called “gender incongruence” and even more confusingly, sometimes the two are used interchangeably).

Whereas dysphoria is better described as the distress caused by that disconnect - but not everyone has that. Some trans people only feel the disconnect, some feel dysphoria, some feel euphoria or some combination of those (think of those respectively as “kind of meh” “this sucks” and “yay” if that helps you visualise it).

The majority of trans people have dysphoria about their assigned gender and then may or may not have euphoria about their true gender.

Most people who don’t have dysphoria have meh feelings about their assigned gender and very positive feelings about their real gender, which is still more than enough to make people want to transition either socially or medically if that will bring them more euphoria.

So why then do I follow the definition of gender dysphoria as the distress rather than the disconnect, and why do I believe only some trans people have it?

Well, part of that is that I am a firmly inclusive person in my personal politics anyway so if someone says they’re trans but have a different experience than me, I’m still going to believe them, even if I don’t understand their experiences. You could consider that a bias of mine I guess?? But I’ve found that in general human beings are so complicated and diverse, it’s best to just listen to someone if they tell you they’re feeling a thing. They know themselves best.

But I can also back that up with a whole bunch of gender dysphoria definitions. The NHS, DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association and more all agree that not every trans person experiences this distress but that the distress is required for a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

I’ll use the NHS as the example here since I’m most familiar with that (National Health Service, here in the UK for anyone who doesn’t know).

Notably, they don’t have a set of criteria for assessing whether you are trans, only for assessing whether you have dysphoria - because being trans does not require a diagnosis for anything, including a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

Here they explain that dysphoria is specifically the distress, not just the disconnect and that it can be caused by the disconnect (gender incongruence) but is not the same as that.

They then go on to explain the difference between sex and gender and that for most people they match but for some they don’t, and then they say

“This mismatch… can lead to… gender dysphoria.”

Not “does lead to” or “always leads to.” Can. As in sometimes.

Next, there are the diagnostic criteria:

As you can see, the “mismatch” (disconnect) or gender incongruence can be a sign of gender dysphoria but is not in itself dysphoria. The strong desire then refers to bodily dysphoria.

So… does everyone experience dysphoria the same and is it even policeable, to begin with?

What you’re talking about (how people view you rather than distress with the physical body) is a type of dysphoria called social dysphoria. And that’s super important to mention too - there are different types of dysphoria and people can experience them in different ways. The mainstream narrative is, as you say, that they hate their body and want every surgery possible.

And that is the case for some people. It’s probably the easiest to understand for a cis person, so it’s the most common version to hear. But a lot of trans people don’t experience bodily dysphoria that intensely or if they do they only experience it about some things (e.g. they may have chest dysphoria but no bottom dysphoria).

It’s super harmful for us to act like there’s only way to experience this and if you don’t hate everything about your body then you’re not trans. It leaves people feeling alone and broken for so long because they have these feelings but don’t believe they can be trans.

I myself took longer than I needed to work it out, because while I have dysphoria about my chest, hips, and periods, I don’t have any bottom dysphoria. Totally cool with that area. But dysphoria doesn’t have to work like that.

It’s also important to mention that this can often harm nonbinary trans folks especially. We can’t fit the typical narrative no matter how hard we try.

You can then have social dysphoria. So personally, a lot of my dysphoria about my chest is caused by the fact that I know people see that and immediately think “girl” thus misgendering me. It’s why I got my hair cut (side note: of course anyone of any gender can have long hair, it’s just associated more with girls and my social dysphoria does not like that).

And of course, we have euphoria which is the very positive feelings from things that are affirming to your true gender like having your name and pronouns used correctly. I think it’s super important to have more conversations about euphoria and how it can help us to realise what our gender is (I would never have settled on being nonbinary if I hadn’t tried out they/them pronouns with friends first). It’s often left out of conversations and I think that’s harmful.

It is also, of course, possible that some of the people who seem to be just feeling meh about it actually have a low amount of dysphoria, or dysphoria that doesn’t present typically and they don’t realise that. But I think that’s unlikely to be the case for everyone because again. humans are pretty varied and never fit well into neat little boxes.

Dysphoria is such a varied and personal experience, it’s not really something you can police anyway.

I’m also strongly against making any rules about having to have dysphoria to be trans, because inevitably when we do that, someone somewhere decides to appoint themselves the Trans Police™ and start hunting for “fakes” and “trenders.” Even if I did believe the idea that some people are trenders (I don’t! but hypothetically), this always ALWAYS comes back to bite those who do have dysphoria.

Someone will have dysphoria but it presents a little differently. Yeah, well now you’re a fake. Someone will be trans but gender non-conforming (a trans guy who wears make-up for example). Fake. Someone will have loads of social dysphoria but little bodily dysphoria. FAKE. And on it goes.

You even get people trying to make arguments like “if you’ve been through transition and your dysphoria stopped… you probably never had it to start with and are fake.” As if… that’s not the point of transition for a lot of folks??

The only way to stop that from happening is to just… stop gatekeeping*?

So yeah in conclusion /

TL;DR

Medical definitions of dysphoria see it as the distress not just the disconnect

Not everyone has that distress

Even those that do, experience it in lots of different ways, not all of them physical

Euphoria is totally a thing and we should talk about it way more

Policing never helps anyone anyway

We should listen to folks when they explain how they feel

*before some transmed uses their favourite line “I can’t gatekeep, I’m not a medical professional” I’m not talking about gatekeeping medical resources genius! I’m talking about gatekeeping socially, in community spaces because you can absolutely bully and exclude people from much needed social space.

#long post #sap gives advice #trans #dysphoria #dysphoria debate

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