#why am I losing so much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bpdohwhatajoy · 6 months

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I don’t have the body I want. I don’t have the person I want. I don’t have the wardrobe I want. I don’t have the freedom I want. I don’t have the amount of money I want. I don’t have the achievements I want. I don’t have the living situation I want. I don’t have the brain I want. I don’t have the relationships I want. I don’t have the life I want. Every marker on my life is a hallmark of dissatisfaction.

#this is fucking depressing #why am I losing so much #fuck my life #I hate it here fuck #why does almost every aspect of my life suck major fucking dick #maybe one day I’ll look back on this post when my life is better #jokes I don’t think I’ll be around for that long

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egophiliac · 7 months

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just thinking about hair and faces

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #i don't THINK this counts as face horror but just in case #face horror #for your daily dose of me losing my mind over anime characters #i don't know why the hair thing surprised me so much. i think because i thought it was funny that lilia named silver after his hair color.#like ha ha lilia is hilariously bad at names how cute and silly!#oh. oh it's kind of a Thing.#anyway i am excited to see where the heck all of this stuff with silver's various dads ends up!#we still don't actually know who killed meleanor!#we still don't know literally anything about dad draconia! (dadconia? dradconia?)#we don't know what happened to the macguffin gem with its magical dad-saving powers!#(surely this will not come back to save a certain dad at a later point. of course not.)#man i was not expecting episode 7 to be all dads all the time #i mean i'm here for it but #hey remember when the highest stakes were who was gonna win the big talent show #then robots started kidnapping people and now we've just escalated from there #episode 8 our cat is going to turn into a drippy ink kaiju and we're going to have to mecha battle him to save the world or something #each member of diasomnia pilots a limb and we gattai into a giant robot dragon and hold on i gotta submit this spec script to aniplex brb

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bonky-boo · 7 months

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Catnaps

#i'm losing my fucking mind #art #helluva boss fizzarolli #helluva boss asmodeus #fizzmodeus #fizzarozzie #fizzozzie #fizz x ozzie #helluva boss fanart #fizzmodeus fanart #fanart #fizzarolli #asmodeus #i love them so much #why am i not them #kms

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stuckinapril · 2 months

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One day I’ll go through med school and then I’ll go through residency and then I’ll go through a fellowship and then I’ll be the most crybaby neurosurgeon you could think of. Bursting into tears if I so much as graze ur hypothalamus with my forceps

#Yesterday I shadowed a neurologist for the first time and basically we got done seeing a patient who’s also a heart surgeon #And I turned to the doctor and was like Ok what do we do #The thing is this patient has dementia and we don’t really have a cure for that yet so the study he’s enrolling in is largely observational #Still I expected her to follow up on him in much more frequent increments #Instead this woman goes “we’ll see him in 6-9 months but… not even sure if he’ll be here by then sooo”#Basically implying he might be dead in a year #AND I WAS LIKE. Blown away by how blase she was #And ever since then a fiendish sort of melancholy followed me everywhere I went .#Bc I haven’t stopped thinking about the heart surgeon #I don’t get how she can stop thinking about him #I don’t understand people who can stop thinking about something like that #I know neurologists like her have seen patients come and go many a time but I was disturbed #So I made a pact w myself never to lose my humanity. Half of why I’m so into medicine is bc of its humane aspects #And in 10 years I’ll look back at this and hopefully still be just as annoyingly sensitive as I am today #I think I’m just overall disillusioned w how little humanity some people seem to have but that doesn’t mean I have to be that way too #p

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endlessmidnights · 8 months

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If your goal was to make me feel like shit, congratulations, I feel worse than usual

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crystallizsch · 2 months

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these valentines day cards for scarabia got me blushing, giggling, and kicking my feet fr (also featuring me unnecessarily analyzing them) (i really hope the cards are in the right order i think they are or else everything that i say here will look incredibly silly)

━━━━━━━━━━━━✦ kalim al-asim:

To my dear friend— Thanks for the present! What colorful and sparkly sweets. They look delicious! I just had an idea! How about we eat them together after school? Gifts like this taste better when shared, after all. I'll pick out a good tea to go with them. Can't wait to see you later! ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

To my dear friend— Thanks for the gift! It's flattering to know you picked this out for me! I'll treat you to anything you like in return—food, live entertainment, an item you've been pining after... You just say the word. ...On second thought, no. I'll come up with something myself! Just like you came up with this gift to give me. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

Hey love, Thank you for that wonderful gift! Getting something like this from you just put a smile on my face! Let me throw you a feast to show my gratitude! After that, I'll take you on a magic carpet ride, it'll be really fun! ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

SO LET ME TALK ABOUT THE PROGRESSION BETWEEN THE CARDS???

on kalim's first card, it's really cute but it also feels just like his usual demeanor where he treats everyone as a friend.

but on to the second card, it looks like he's definitely feeling more strongly enough about you to think "hey let me get you something too!! let me be your genie of the lamp!" at least right before realizing it would be more meaningful to give you a surprise gift as well like you did.

his "dear friend" on the second card is more real this time.

BUT OMG THE WHIPLASH TO THE THIRD CARD

"HEY LOVE" ???? KALIM WHAT WHEN I TELL YOU MY HEART JUST WENT HFDSNSFHDJFDK PLSS HE CANT DO THIS TO ME 💀💀💀 THE "MY DEAR FRIEND" -> "HEY LOVE" PROGRESSION YOUR HONOR HE IS IN LOVE(???) NO IT’S PROBABLY JUST A REALLY AFFECTIONATE TERM OF ENDEARMENT CONSIDERING THAT IT’S KALIM (*denial* *denial* *denial*)

the closest ones (that are available) to doing something similar is jade who goes from "my good friend" -> "my dearest" and vil who goes from "dearest friend" to "my dear"

anyways, the third card is kalim finally wanting to go ALL OUT as a way to show you how he feels about you and how thankful he is. he's literally all about having fun with the person he cares about. making every moment memorable.

kalim's love language is also very much extravagant gifts since he's raised in a wealthy family where everything has been handed to him. that's probably how he got the mindset that gifts are the way to show love and affection because that's how his family did it for him. so the bigger the gift the better he can show you how he feels.

━━━━━━━━━━━━✦ jamil viper:

Hello— I was surprised to see you gifted me sweets. At first I wondered if you were hinting for me to make you something similar... But when I pulled the gift out of the bag, I saw all the details you put into it, right down to the ribbon. It's clear this was a heartfelt gesture. I'll treasure these treats as I eat them. Thank you. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

Hello— I'll admit it. I'm beyond surprised. I suppose a heartfelt "thank you" is in order. In fact, why don't we meet at the school store after class tomorrow? Hopefully I'll be able to find you something to return the favor. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

Dear friend, Thank you for the gift. To think I would receive something from you... Well, it caught me off guard. I'd like to give you something in return. Hmm... What should it be? What might you like? Why don't you come down to Scarabia sometime and we'll discuss over a cup of tea. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

jamillll;;;

on the first card, he was suspicious of receiving a gift. at first he's like "are you just giving me something so i could give you something as well?" until he realized "oh this is legit" and that you’re not expecting anything back. and then he just enjoys it which is hella cute.

on the second card (unlike the last one) he's now like "let me get you something in return because i really appreciate the gesture". here i think he's still genuinely confused that you still decided to give him a gift. but at this point it feels like he's only offering to get you something in return because he feels like he has to just to show his gratitude. kinda like a fair transaction.

it seems that jamil is still like "why me". like, you cared enough to see and acknowledge him to even consider getting him a gift. which i believe is something he's not used to. so he just wants to "return the favor" by offering you to go find something you like :)

and the third card;;;

"DEAR FRIEND" GOT. MEEE. YOUR HONOR I LOVE HIMMMMM

i know for other people "friend" is not on the same level as the romantic "love" but i personally feel as strong with platonic relationships as with romantic ones (if not more) and this hit me HARD.

for the third one he's finally comfortable enough to consider you a friend. but he still sounds flabbergasted that you still even thought of him (and **you** specifically) (like he didn't imagine that you'd even give him a gift).

and now this is less of a transaction but more of like he *wants* to make sure that he gets you something that you'd really like. it's not simply just "hey let's go to the school store and see what's available as a thanks", this time it's "hey i really appreciate that you got me something so let's discuss what i can get you as well. i'll be your genie of the lamp, anything is possible (within reason)"

(original twitter thread with these cards)

#i might be reading too much into this tbh but #i am so obsessed with the progression of the relationship between character and the reader in between the cards #also another train of thought #i imagine jamil would be the type of who would not be focused on romantic relationships(?)#even if somehow the feels got to him #i mean the guy already seems to be iffy with who to consider a friend let alone a significant other #i wouldnt be surprised if he'd be more focused on being by himself than pursuing a partner #like his wish is to travel somewhere by himself where no one knows him so he could just *relax* (and as he should)#that's why the “dear friend” is making me lose it omg #hes showing affection your honor #[—#twisted wonderland #twst #scarabia #jamil viper #kalim al asim #★'-twst-rambles #—]#also ;;; please dont think that was an attack on romantic ships ;;#ship to your heart's content #that's the purpose of fanwork i do oc x canon myself 😭

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uncanny-tranny · 8 months

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I think another aspect of conservative thought people need to understand is the idea that it's all about dominance.

The reason why sayings like "we don't want to trans your kids, we want trans kids to live" is because, in the conservative mind, you are replacing their dominance with your own. It can never be about what is best for others, it is always about expressing absolute power and control.

Natural selection, at its ideal, will weed out the people who "shouldn't live." If their existence is a threat to the already-established hierarchy, then it's obvious that they shouldn't exist in order to challenge hierarchy.

While this certainly isn't a "conservative-only" mindset, it's a trend I have noticed more in conservative spaces. This is why I don't always think it's helpful to go on about how, "Oh, we don't want to threaten your worldview. We just want people to live 😊". You will fundamentally be threatening their power in their minds. Therefore, nothing you say can truly take away from the anxiety, fear, and anger at losing control that may be instilled.

#politics #transphobia #transphobia tw #used the whole 'we want trans kids to live' because i personally think it's a good example..#...but isn't the sole example of such...#...take for instance the gay marriage debates from the early 2010s...#...'if we legalize gay marriage it's ONE STEP CLOSER to them taking OVER america and legalizing [horrible thing]!'...#...that is the anxiety of Losing Control and Losing The Divine Hierarchical Power Bestowed To You Personally By Gd Himself...#...i'm not saying all of this to dissuade people from educating people. but i want people to be aware of this dynamic...#...and to decide if they can (or should) personally go up to bat for others to educate people...#...i don't think you will go very far if you try to educate people without understanding on SOME level how their thought process will be...#...because it is likely that you are educating somebody who is going to see the world VERY differently...#...and they will often interpret what you are saying VERY differently than how you intended it to be interpreted...#...again while this isn't solely a conservative issue (believe me i KNOW) i notice it much more in those spaces...#...and since i am in spaces that WANT to educate people about this i think it is apt...#...it isn't a bad thing to want to educate. but again it's not helpful to just assume others are going to interpret you the way you want...#...it's definitely why i stopped making so many posts about educating others. i just don't think i can do it well...#...or at least in a way that doesn't Feel Threatening (even if it Isn't A Threat)

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 2 months

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https://www.tumblr.com/an-elegant-void/743516328073265152/here-are-the-instructions-from-the-help?source=share

Important info!

immediate indignation and rage aside, for some reason i dont have the option yet... it's probably due to the usuall "roll 'features' out to chunks of users at a time" but Still. nervous

#i hate ai i fucking hate ai #it should be used for shit like medical detection and logging and shit #Not Art. In Any Form.#not for writing not for illustration not for painting NONE OF IT. KEEP THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE #each month something comes out that makes shit worse and im sooooo tired of it lmao #like i am Continuously losing hope in the future no matter how much i try not to #where's that post thats like 'why should i read something that no one bothered to write'#AUGH. I HATE IT. i hate it. its so discouraging and depressing #rambles from the bog #yk this is the first time ive started to feel genuine Dread that tumblr might finally be kicking the bucket #all of the other 'apocalypses' were infuriating but also the Tumblr Is Dying!!! reaction made me roll my eyes #but now...? man. where would i even go if this is is.#i cant stand instagram or twitter. the other platforms just dont hold a candle to this site. i just #man.... man.

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mattodore · 5 months

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found out while putting together matthias's oc page that his name has the exact same etymology and meaning as theo's name...

i’m sure this is information matthias is very normal about…

#theo is in fact a gift from god so jot that down !#river dipping #i've been throwing myself into oc stuff bc i'm not doing hot mentally which is... tbh when i do my best writing 😭#none of this is new tho i wrote the bios and 'at a glance' intros months and months ago when i first made an oc page #which is why i do plan on rewriting them but for now i'm leaving them like this... so i guess the echthroi page is done?#obviously echthroi has more characters than this but i haven't taken new screenshots of everyone yet...#i put the gray cas bg back in my game a few days ago only to completely forget i wanted to take new headshots for the oc page 😭#like these are just placeholders... i want the backgrounds to match the oc page. oh... or maybe i could just do transparent pics?#i think i remember vyx made a post abt how to do that... will look into that when i open the game again. rn i'm at my keyboard 🧑‍💻#like i am writing new things! started a google doc for theo yesterday and have been writing on it here and there since then #i've already cried in there... lmaooo. i like oc pages for sure but i think a huge google doc is what i really need to keep track of things #i drop so much lore in tags on here and it's like! river write that down somewhere else or you'll lose it 😭#like i fr have never actually written down any of the info i've shared on here. i've just had all this oc knowledge stored in my brain.#so i went through and copied over a tonnn of tags and posts i've made into google docs but i just know i'm missing things i've probably #said in the tags of their core tagged posts... 🧍 if my blog didn't have so many posts i'd have an easier time going through it but 🤷#and on top of that i've been making a bunch of posts about theo and matthias on my main acc. which is like 🧍 well great now there's more #i'm gonna lose track of...... i fr have gottt to get into the habit of actually putting things down in theo's google doc!!!#i'm just trying to figure out the best way to format it all but i've downloaded a few templates that i've been messing with.#...anyway. if it isn't obvious i'm trying to get back to posting on here. i'm opening my inbox now with the intent to just.#sit here in my inbox until i can get myself to reply. lads... avpd is actually so torturous i'm not kidding.#i feel like i'm dying trying to get myself to interact with people sometimes even despite how badly i want!!!! to interact!!!#theo and me and our avoidant trauma responses holding hands and skipping around together

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dootznbootz · 2 months

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Odypen definitely and equivalently adore each other BUT I weirdly can't see them as the type to actually say "I Love you".

They still definitely vocalize their love for each other but it's more so in "My Joy", and "Extraordinary Woman", "Strange Woman/Man", etc. And very cheesy lines (both say some cheesy shit in the Odyssey, and he definitely does in the Iliad as well. "Joy like a drowning sailor seeing land" bit???)

I could see "I adore you" but even then, that's probably during very specific moments but the actual "I love you"??? I just typed it just now for fic shit and... It weirdly just didn't feel right and I don't know why. 😅

Idk maybe it's kind of because I see them as over the top in ways, they love wordplay and riddles and I think they'd almost think "...That's not good enough >:( " about it??? I don't know???😂

#I wrote this last night. I'll do the asks I got later. don't worry! :D #I am the cheese god remember?😅#I think these two would try to “out-cheese” each other and whoever is left speechless first loses #“I would forget my own name before I would ever forget you” bullshit. CHEESY #And yes. “I sleep in our nest with you or outside on the dirt” stupidity >:D #I plan for Odysseus as a beggar to ask why she waits so long. As he's been gone a longer amount of time than the time they had together #(Simply asking as reassurance. He knows his answer. Calypso asked him. but what about Penelope?) but she gets mad at the #“Beggar” and pities him as he must be telling the truth about having a miserable life if he never got the chance to know such devotion #How what they have could never be sullied by #something as trivial as distance and years. How the years with him were the best in her life. Only made better by their son.#'My dear Joy made songs and poems about love a reality as that was simply the life we shared. Even separated our 'song' will always echo #no matter how long it's been. I'LL make sure it always does. And I know he's doing the same... That strange man used to say that #even if he died his corpse would drag itself back to us before he'd ever give up.'#...I'm not one for 'odyssey zombie au' but when I first heard it yeah. :'D Came up with this back then #“His eyes as hard as flint or horn-” Bullshit! The sad lil fuck is hiding sobs with coughs and telling her to keep away for fear of her #catching whatever “illness” he has. The nice thing about being disguised as old means sickly old man works.#...#I'm noticing that Odysseus has a lot of silly oneliners while I write Penelope with a shit ton of set up :'D #They are so silly and I love them so much #...I wrote a lot :'D #Mad rambles #shot by odysseus #my headcanons #odypen #yahoo!!!#sometimes I wonder if I should tag this with more things but I don't want to taint the regular tags with my bullshit :'D I KNOW I'm insane

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black-and-yellow · 3 days

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OJ2 my beloved/hated

#how do they expect me to fight against Midnight when Mic rolls up to the arena saying 'you've looked after me so much Midnight'#I can't make him fight her cmonnn they're buddies look at them #When the Mic DLC came out it destroyed my entire game and I couldn't save anymore and I had to start over #my Switch could NOT handle him #but I don't play the Switch version anymore cause paying for online is stinky #I have matched with one person today and I lost tragically #why is it way more embarrassing to lose as Mic than as any other character #to the Nomu who beat me to a pulp a minute ago I am sorry I didn't mean to disconnect it was my wifi i promise i didnt rage quit i promise #I play on English for the sweet dialogue between the trio but this comes with a catch which is that I am forced to listen #to mic say the most cringe lines you could imagine when he attacks #does anyone still play OJ2 besides that Nomu who just eviscerated me. does anyone want to fight. i'll let you be aizawa

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uhbasicallyjustmilex · 28 days

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me desperately trying to outrun my writer’s block for the fiftieth time this week

#i know i vent about my writing struggles a lot on here #but god i really am struggling with this chapter of four walls so much #i feel disconnected and overly critical and lacking motivation and UGH #why can’t life be simple and just let me enjoy the things i enjoy #maybe i’m struggling so much because actually this is the longest story i’ve written in literal years and it’s kind of a daunting #i don’t want to mess it up #and i’m kind of scared i’m losing the thread #i know i just need to trust the process but sometimes it’s really hard #okay rant over #i’m going to gather snacks and return to my laptop and see if i can finally get in the zone #lulu posts

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ksrlvr · 4 months

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what is it with homoerotic teenage friendships and why are they so fucking awful.

#fiercely blinking back tears #im fucking sobbing into my pillow rn #I may have been lead on (why am I so stupid)#it’s so much harder to pretend I’m happy for them now than it was before #i feel violently ill #wish I’d never found out how they’d felt ab me #HAHA #i’m actually losing it #gna rip my lungs out >_<#lgbtq #lgbtqplus #wlw #wlw yearning #gay shit #queer

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nose-coffee · 17 days

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ur supposed to get one period a month yea? not me. i'm periodmaxing. we're on the fourth month of the year and guess how many periods i've had. brother, we are solidly on no. 7

#fuck off lou #my post #i know this is bad and yes im trying to figure out why this is happening #if i wasnt anemic before i sure am now #losing more blood than a stabbing victim #how was there only four days between my last one ending #and this one starting #a damn mystery to me ill tell you that much #i want to rip my uterus out and replace it w a cd player #make better use of the space ya know #but i cant even get my tubes tied until im 23 #like hell are they gonna let me throw the whole ute out #but guys. what if he sucks. like doc i kbow youre just doing your [patriarchal] job #fr. get real. he sucks. hes a bastard. he hates me and wants me dead #lemme kill him first it will be SO so funny #in other news. i may be in hell

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endlessmidnights · 7 months

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I’ve hit the point where I want to vent about everything but I’m too much of a burden and typing it out would take effort I don’t have

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mishkakagehishka · 3 months

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"We're old moms, we can't wait to stop breastfeeding so we can get [very excited, shrill even] botooooox!!!"

We are never making it out of the patriarchy.

#every time i open instagram i see videos promoting botox for the moment you turn 20 and face lifts and plastic surgery #and skincare regimens that are not care at all but just fifty products to torture your skin (and spend money!!)#the ties between the patriarchy and capitalism that support one another are terrifying.#but not even that . i feel like i'm going insane #how did we in this day and age normalise so much of this shit #what happened to feminism... why am i seeing a man who works as a plastic surgeon #talking about ''when a client walks in and i know EXACTLY what she needs to change so i am able to get her to #sign up for four more procedures asides from the one she came here for ^_^'' i'm going to kill you.#beat you with rocks. do you guys know botox is a bacteria? do you guys know about botulism?#you throw away a can of food because it's slightly dented so you don't die from botulism #but you inject it straight into your forehead because someone told you signs you #lived a long life full of expressing your emotions guilt-free was what made you ugly #the way i see influencers who will call themselves feminists talk about those wrinkle-free straws... don't sleep on your side #don't breathe wrong don't crease your eyebrows don't smile don't cry don't drink from straws #you're all fucking insane. and wrinkles are caused by your skin losing elasticity. you will STILL have wrinkles #if you live long enough that is (<- can you see why it's a blessing?)

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