#when im sleeping and eating regularly again ill feel so much better. right now its just extra extra hard. and thats ok | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

willddheartt · 3 years

Text

30 Days | Wilbur Soot

30 days to fall in love with someone? Sounds easy right?

It would be if that person wasn’t so unbelievably annoying in almost every sense.

You’re not sure how you found yourself in this situation, but you were positive there was no backing out now…

Series Warnings: Mostly fluff and angst, and a very poorly constructed enemies to lovers plot.

Word Count: 1892

Masterlist Series Masterlist 30 Days The beginning

You sighed, staring at the black screen of your PC waiting for it to light up. After last night, you didn’t even want to log on, but you knew if you avoided it now, it would just cause more hassle in the long run.

The monitors light up with your bright coloured backgrounds and the PC itself emitted many colours of the rainbow. Opening Discord, you started a message with Wilbur.

Did you hear? You type, clicking through a few channels as you awaited his response.

Yeah, how’d this come about? his message read

Your head shook as you typed and you ran a hand through your hair, pushing it back and out of your face, I don’t know. Hop in a VC and we can discuss better?

You pulled on your headset, waiting for the call to come through, what you weren’t expecting was for Wilbur to video call you. You had just got out of bed before logging on and didn’t even have any makeup on and you were still in your cropped top and sleep bottoms. Quickly pulling the fuzzy blanket you kept on the back of your chair around your shoulders you answered the call.

“Hey,” You answered with a sigh, setting your head in your hand. “Hi,” He said, monotone. “What’s he got on you?” You asked “My home address and credit card information, stuff like that. And you?” You sighed, knowing if you told the truth he might think even lower of you than he already did. “Same thing and like some stupid stuff I did in high school,” Wilburs expression changed from annoyed to something you couldn’t read, “What did you do?” “Relax,” You sighed, “It’s nothing like terrible, terrible.” “Do you not want to tell me?” He sat back in his chair “I’d rather not,” You mumbled, “I don’t need you thinking lower of me than you already do.” “Fine,” Wilbur sighed, “Do you want to talk about how we’re going to do this or not?” You nodded

“What do you think the best approach would be?” You asked, sitting up and pulling your leg up. “Well obviously, I think we should outline what the rules are.” “Okay,” You nodded pulling up a note, “So we’re supposed to be dating right?” You asked, Wilbur, nodded. “So we should act like a couple,” You said as you typed out “What about how we act on and off camera?” Wil asked “What about it?” You asked, “On camera, we act so madly in love the fans won’t even question it, off-camera we can not speak or whatever we do now.” Wil shook his head, “I think to get the best performance we’d have to truly play into this and act on and off camera.” You threw your head back, “Really?” You asked “Do you truly hate me that much, Y/N?”

“Well no, it’s just I’d rather not.” “Too bad, it’s already written.” You sighed, “Fine.” “Do you think we should tell our friends about the whole situation or just leave it as we’re a couple?” You asked “Leave them out of the blackmail part, they could slip up.” You nod agreeing.

After twenty minutes of back and forth, you devised a list of rules doe the month.

They were as follows:

Must act like a couple on and off camera

Must act like a couple at all times

Every week doing things that couples would do (i.e. dates, movie nights, going out to dinner)

Must post announcing you’re together, on Twitter Instagram or in a stream.

Can only tell friends about you being together

And you must see each other regularly.

If either of you failed to do one of these things you immediately owe the other person $50

Wilbur was still on call with you after the list was created, you ended up talking about how you think the blackmailer got your information. Both of you were in the dark.

Your roommate came in, interrupting your conversation, “Hey, Y/N, Wanna come with me to pick up food?” She asked stopping dead in her tracks when she saw Wilbur on your monitor. You nodded, “Just give me a second here,” She waved as she exited the room. “Sorry about that, Wil,” You said turning back to the camera. “Seems I’ve got to go, but we can talk more about this when I get back if you’d like.” Wilbur nodded, “It was nice talking to you, love.”

The pet name caught you off guard, you looked at Wilbur, who had the most shit-eating grin on his face you’d ever seen. “What?” He asked, tilting his head, “We have to start somewhere, thought now would be a good time.” You sighed, “ill talk to you later Wilbur.”

You ended the call and let your head fall into your hands.

Man, this was going to be a long month.

“Sorry about earlier.” Your roommate said once you walked out of your room You shook your head, “Don’t worry about it, it was only Wilbur,” “Wilbur?” She asked, “Don’t you, like, hate him?” “Hate is a strong word,” You sighed. “I think I’ve had a change of heart about him.”

You got home to messages from Wilbur asking if you wanted to stream with him tonight to make your announcement, you grabbed a drink and something to eat and got ready to stream. This time you were able to get ready to be on camera. You did your makeup, simple winged eyeliner nothing too extravagant, and you put on a cute top, but kept on your pyjama bottoms.

Are you setting up stream? You messaged Wilbur

Yeah, are you ready? He replied within seconds

Ready as I’ll ever be.

This time you called Wilbur, he picked up within seconds. “I know this is only fake but im nervous,” You blurted out. Wilbur nodded, “Me too,” “How do you think the fans will react?” You asked “Honestly?” You nodded, “I think the overall reaction will be good.” “What about the ones that aren’t?” You were picking at your fingers, a nervous habit, “I don’t want to get death threats and that kind of thing,” You frowned. “I’ll take care of it,” Wil said, his words brought you a sense of peace, and you waited for him to start streaming.

As he welcomed everyone to the stream, you weren’t on screen yet. You had a few moments to take in his appearance. He was wearing a nice white button-down, and it looked like he tried to do something with his hard but failed and just let it slump in its natural half curly-half wavy state on his forehead. You smiled at him as he kept trying to shake the hair out of his eyes but it refused to move.

“Well, chat,” He started, “There is someone very important to me that I’d like to introduce you to.” As he spoke you could feel the knots in your stomach, nervous for him to finally show your face cam on stream. “Now, you probably already know them but,” He paused, working things out to be able to show your cam on stream, “Y/N and I would like to tell you something,” He said, and your face popped up on his stream, you waved to the chat. “Y/N, would you like to do the honours?” He asked with a smirk “I guess so,” You put on the biggest smile you could muster before it looked fake and forced, “Chat,” You said. “Wil and I are dating!” You announced and he cheered. The chat exploded with hearts and Pogs, of course, there were the normal hate comments, but those were almost drowned out by all the emotes.

“Okay now, I don’t want to see anybody hating on Y/N, Okay?” Wilbur said in a stern voice, looking directly at the camera, “Mods if you can, keep it out of the chat. And chat, keep it off the social media, Okay?” He waited for responses in the chat to roll through before continuing, “If you haven't got anything nice to say, let’s not say it alright?” You nodded along with him, secretly admiring how adamant he was about keeping the hate away, you knew Wilbur was the type of gut to do that but you didn't think he'd do it for you, especially where the two of you weren't even truly together.

“Okay, so Y/N and I here, didn’t really talk about what we were going to do on here, we just wanted to announce the news, but I guess we’ll stick around and answer a few questions for about an hour, hows that sound?” You nodded, “That sounds good to me. Chat if you have any questions to ask us, about our relationship or just personally send them in the chat or whatever you’d like to do.

You and Wilbur sat on stream for close to an hour talking to the chat and receiving many donations asking questions and answering the chat, they seemed to love that the two of you were ‘together’. You read a few things saying “Enemies to lovers? POG” in the chat that made you laugh to yourself, telling Wil you’d tell him later when he asked what was so funny.

Truthfully, you didn’t hate Wilbur as much as you’ve convinced yourself you have. Sometimes the acting and just messing around on the SMP got blurry in your mind, a lot of the things you found revolting about him were things his character had done for the sake of plot development.

Wilbur finally ended the stream, you both said bye to chat and he went off. “That went well, don't you think?” He asked, sighing as soon as the stream was over. “I think it was good, their reaction seemed to be positive.” You sat back in your chair. “What did you find so funny in the chat?” He asked, throwing an arm behind his head as he leaned back in his chair. You giggled as you thought about it again, “I saw some people saying ‘enemies to lovers? Pog’ in the chat and I thought it was really funny.” “I mean, they're technically not wrong.” You rolled your eyes, looking down at the time in the corner of your monitor.

It was late. Almost three am.

“Hey, I’ll talk to you tomorrow Wil, alright? I should go to bed soon.” Wil nodded, “Talk to you tomorrow, Y/N, sleep well.” He smiled as he hit the end call button.

You sat in your dimly lit room in complete silence, other than the noise of the fans in your PC. You couldn’t believe you had to do this for a month. You truly wondered how you could do this, it was only day one and you wanted to crawl out of your skin and wash off the feeling that he gave you. In your act you could see how you might be able to fall for him, but once the call ended and you were snapped back to reality, you wished to take the hottest and longest shower in the word and wash the feeling of him away, watch the dirt slide down the drain and out of your mind.

“You can do this. It's only a month,” You whispered to yourself.

34 notes · View notes

uncloseted · 3 years

Note

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

5 notes · View notes

bloody-cute-yandere · 3 years

Text

I've reached the point where I'm tired and I need to say something but idk how.

My SO has been struggling with a chronic illness that flared up as the result of a cold back in February. Hes been tired and generally more withdrawn, and I feel disconnected from him. There have been multiple times where I've stepped beyond our usual chore agreement to care for him, but so far all that means is I've been doing more work regularly and he's been resting and not getting better.

I've spoken to him about this a couple of times but what can be done? He's not feeling well. So im cooking dinners after working late, and feeling flustered and out of sorts because floors need to be washed and laundry needs to be folded and im expected to do all of it. He says I dont have to worry about getting all these things done, but not because he will help- he just proposes I leave them off until I eventually get to them in some amorphous future time.

On top of this I've been looking for a new job. At my current job I am severely (upwards of 10k/year) underpaid, and ive been pushed and pushed to pull more and more overtime since December. I've never done this much overtime work at this job and now im chastised if I leave when my 8 hours is done. My work and expertise are not appreciated. Finding a new job in my field is hard right now though, and being rejected repeatedly feels honestly like being on dating apps again, but worse.

And, if things weren't bad enough, one of my SOs cats was diagnosed with lymphoma today. The fix it part of my brain if frustrated because there isn't much I can do- the cat is old and is too weak from not eating to be able to handle chemo, so even though the remission rate is good for this kind of lymphoma, we might just watch him die anyway. This also means that my SO needs more support now and is exhausted and im still trying to care for him, but im exhausted too and I need to be cared for and its been so long since I've felt special or pretty or desired or valued and im just so tired.

So im going to try to sleep. Im in bed alone with my cat, thinking about the cat downstairs as I hear my SO playing video games. I dont know what to do or what to say, or when would be the right time to even say anything. So im just going to cry as quietly as possible and hopefully fall asleep.

1 note · View note

tsuuyuri · 5 years

Text

tw for suicide, death, eating disorders, fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, anxiety, depression, bullying, etc. just don’t read if you aren’t in a good place.

i swear to god.

any knetizen (because yes, this is a specifically a knet problem) that sits back after sulli’s death and acts like they didnt treat her like a piece of meat to buy and sell and eat and spit out and call too fat and too skinny and so selfish and so ugly and so “out of line” like she was some evil snake when she was always just a girl being herself, expressing herself, being different from the “traditional ideal korean woman”, struggling with mental illness and eating disorders in an industry that is stressful and unhealthy and cruel and with “fans” who are absolutely nobody in comparison to who she was that sit in their homes and talk trash about her body, her “attitude”, her sex life, and whatever else on the internet for fun.

i am sick and tired of people making excuses for korean misogyny and toxic beauty standards because “oh it’s a different culture”, whatever! a culture that promotes sink or swim standards in its education system and requires everyone gets plastic surgery no matter what in order to be considered worth anything needs to fucking change! it’s killing people and it’s been killing people for a long time! south korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. koreans and honestly everyone need to wake up and stop acting like this is just “crazy celebrities” because it’s not. they’re just the ones we all hear about. you don’t hear about the teenager 5 blocks down who committed suicide last week after being bullied for being gay. you don’t hear about the student that committed suicide last month because they aren’t an academic person and their parents called them stupid and punished them for not having top grades. we don’t hear about them because they aren’t famous. but we need to look at these famous people who we think have everything that makes life worth living, commit suicide and understand how much that shit probably happens with just regular ole people. for every celebrity who kills themselves, there’s 10 more non-celebrities.

every time someone innocent commits suicide, it’s murder. it’s murder by society. it’s murder by people who tear them apart until they can’t be sewn back together again and then wonder how it could happen.

sulli was anorexic. being anorexic is so, so fucking painful and hard and awful and it’s so much deeper than just being “pretty”. sometimes it’s needing to feel like you have something in your life under control. sometimes it’s wanting to be smaller so maybe people can’t see you anymore because you were abused. sometimes it’s just wanting to die slowly. i went to an inpatient ward 3 times by the time i turned 18 and had tubes shoved down my nose and throat because i just couldn’t eat a thing without panicking and feeling guilty. the anxiety and depression after i got out each time was so crippling that i couldn’t leave my house. i can’t even imagine getting on stage and performing in that state like people criticized sulli for not doing. “oh she’s lazy, she’s selfish, she’s not taking it seriously, she’s just acting like a princess!” she’s a young girl who was having panic attacks, being told her body type isn’t right to be an idol, who was depressed, who wasn’t sleeping enough hours. she was sick. and you made her even more sick. who the hell would want to perform for people who don’t appreciate it? negative words outweigh positive ones. netizens know that. be honest with yourself. they thought it was fun to poke at someone. they felt good talking bad about someone. they thought it was “okay” because she’s a celebrity and apparently when you sign a contract in the kpop industry, your humanity dies and nobody has to think about how their words and actions make you feel anymore.

women in kpop are attacked all the fucking time for doing normal things.

i looked at pictures of sulli when she looked her healthiest and i thought she was beautiful. koreans called her flat, flabby, said she had cankles, thick legs, called her fucking sulliphant. i looked at pictures of sulli when she was so thin she should’ve been in a hospital like i had been and i was scared for her but her smile was still beautiful. koreans criticized her for “getting shots and liposuction, oh it’s not natural, the bruises aren’t pretty” or praised her for finally not being “ugly” and having a pretty bodyline, having skinny legs, and for finally discovering the “true wealth of a woman is her looks” and the worst part, some still called her sulliphant and fat and ugly when she was easily under 100 lbs. it’s just unfair. it’s so unfair and horrible and it happens every day, to every female idol, some less and some more, and it happens to every single woman and even men now in some places.

and now, im sitting here sobbing, not just because i regret not being a bigger support when sulli needed that even though it’s not my fault i wasn’t as aware of kpop, but also because i know if i were a kpop idol while going through depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, paranoia, and anorexia nervosa... i would be dead. i would have been dead years ago. i would be just like sulli. bullied to death by her own mind and by people who think you are their doll to throw around.

no one should have to “stay strong” through comments like that. not a celebrity, not anyone. no one.

korean beauty standards need an overhaul. i have had enough. anorexic isn’t beautiful. it’s painful. it should not be a singer’s job to be nice to look at in a very particular and unnatural way that only 10% of people are born looking like.

sulli having a boyfriend got koreans so fucking angry, calling her unprofessional, a cock-sucking whore, a slut, whatever other disgusting words you can think of, but men were just as quick to ogle her and take photos up her skirt for their own enjoyment because “oh well she’s an idol, that’s what she’s there for”. women were jealous of sulli for having access to handsome and rich men they wouldn’t because she’s an idol and they’re not, so they shamed her for it. men weren’t mad about sulli having a sex life, they were mad about sulli having a sex life that didn’t involve her fucking them, so they shamed her for it. sulli was just being a person. but being a person isn’t congruent with being an idol, for some reason.

sulli spiraled into reckless behavior and they blamed her for that too when they drove her to it.

“she’s a celebrity, it’s what she signed up for.”

no. she didn’t. she signed up to sing, dance, and make people happy. she didn’t sign up for people to tear her apart.

his case is significantly different, but it’s a part of an epidemic all the same, so i’ll mention him once and not again: jonghyun didn’t pass away just for south korea to learn nothing about ignoring and shaming mental illness and torment another already tortured idol into leaving too.

this isn’t simple cause and effect, this is prolonged bullying and attacking someone, beating them again and again until they can’t stand up again. this isn’t an isolated issue. it’s years of criticizing, terrorizing, dehumanizing, ignoring, and taking for granted, that leads to one very horrible, very permanent, very quick outcome.

so yeah. any knet who says “rest in peace sulli” needs to rethink if they really deserve to be saying that. if you ever called this poor girl names, criticized her body as not “aesthetically pleasing”, shamed her for being in a relationship and having sex as a grown woman, sexualized her regularly, exploited her, and/or contributed at all to her feeling this horrifically bad about herself to the point she felt alienated from everyone and like she couldn’t continue living... you don’t get to grieve. you get to feel guilty. you get to feel horrible about what you said and did to this woman who was only human, and who was ostracized for being herself and for appearing strong until she couldn’t anymore.

sulli, you are not a bad person. you are an angel now and forever. i wish we had done better for you. rest in peace, sweet girl, and know i will always think of you. you will never be just a memory. you are alive through those who truly love you and know you.

and if you or anyone you know is struggling with bullying, depression, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, etc., as always, please reach out and get the help you deserve. support is a phone call away. you never walk alone. even if it’s a complete stranger, there are people who want to help and who want you to live on. i want you to live on. i want us all to fight these demons and to work toward a better future. it is possible. we can and must do better. we can and must love ourselves and each other.

be kind, take care, ask for help, give help.

celebrity, non-celebrity, women, men, children, black, white, asian, latinx, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, non-binary, cishet, disabled, able-bodied, neuroatypical, neurotypical, etc. we are all human.

#long post #tw #negative #sulli #f(x)#choi jinri #feminism #delete later?#anyone that has a problem with my opinions here. just dont mssg me. dont respond. i dont want to hear it #i am allowed to be angry and upset that the same preventable shit is still happening because of a toxic society that ignores its toxicity #even as it kills #also YES my feminism includes transwomen and transwomen absolutely experience misogyny because the probably isnt biology #its femininity (which is genderless) being perceived as weakness and laughable

6 notes · View notes

emypony · 6 years

Text

ARES HEADCANONS WITH THE BOYS, AFTER THE BREAK

Some ARES (more like ot2/ot3/ot4 headcanons with Haizaki, Asuto, Nosaka and Nishikage) headcanons for @ozrockbitway (if i remember right dfljkghfdg it’s been long ago since we talked about it, I think??) and @producktions @someatsu @blueberry-pastel @suzunofuusuke @kirinoisbestboy @sinfonylanglader @therealruney @calmystorm-saltycandy (hope u dont mind the tag ^^’’) @shawn-and-aiden-frost-9 i guess if u wanted to read as well @mimirk63 ITS NOT YUUICHI but ya kno ;w;’’

i literally dont even know who else would care about these (mostly joke) headcanons so iM SOWWY if i like, dont tag some ppl ;;

also im sorry that these are like all over the place tho jfldghkfk

ANYWAY with that out of the way

1. so I was discussing about Nishikage baking and. i got it. Nishikage works @ Tasty part time. He makes ambitious creations. Nosaka enjoys watching the behind the scenes. (Asuto will eat anything he makes)

2. Asuto starts hanging around Nosaka and Nishikage thought this would be bad and that Yuuma would stop hanging out with him but is thankfully proven wrong as Asuto pretty much always invites both of them to hang out with him. Nishikage starts to 'adopt' Asuto as Nosaka's friend and feels the need to PROTECC him as well. they also become great friends and this eases Nishikage because Nosaka finally has someone to spend time with that can somewhat get him out of his shell. Related to #1, Asuto will bother Nishikage and ask him if he's cooked something new yet. Nishi is afraid to cook more things at first but is prompted by Asuto because THAT BOY will literally eat anything, bad or good.

3. Nosaka actually likes dry jokes but no one knows since nobody really likes dry jokes and doesn't make them. Asuto ends up with a book EXACTLY about dry jokes and he finds them interesting and funny but not as much as Nosaka, so when he uses one of those jokes it makes Yuuma laugh and it takes everyone by surprise (especially Nishikage)

4. Nosaka snorts when he laughs.

5. I see Asuto and Nosaka becoming friends before Asuto and Haizaki (even if they're acquaintances) Haizaki comes on later along.

6. Asuto is claustrophobic and that's how the ot3 friendship starts. He, Haizaki and Nosaka somehow end up stranded in somewhat of a locker and he starts freaking out. Despite the issues between Nosaka and Haizaki they don't like seeing the cheerful Asuto being scared like that. Asuto asks them to hold his hand and they reluctantly did that even if they didn't like being next to each other. After that incident Asuto was a bit more open around them and uses his 'persuasive' powers to get them to hang out with him.

7. Haizaki is the tallest, followed by Asuto and then Nosaka. Nosaka is a bit conscious about his height and even if Haizaki makes fun of him, Asuto reassures him and tells him its okay.

8. Nosaka would be really bad at portraying his feelings even if it's something simple or complicated so he makes really weird comparisons and nobody understands except Nishikage even if sometimes even he's wondering what's going on in his mind.

9. I originally planned Nosaka to be a Vegan but I don't wanna do that he's just been taught to always eat healthy because there was no other alternative. he sometimes sees Asuto stuffing his face with unhealthy (fast food/other) stuff and it confuses him because he's still like perfect and fit and he doesn't get it. With time Asuto makes him try things he wouldn't normally eat by himself and even if he doesn't eat that regularly, he'll sometimes accept Asuto's invitation to get things he hasn't tried before. He's really big on trying foreign food but maybe once every few months.

This is a lot of Nosaka fdkjghd im sorry i love him a lot AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT

10. One day Asuto's friends find him, Nosaka and Haizaki playing cards in his room (i think they'd keep the friendship hidden for a while don't ask me why). Norika would take a liking to Nosaka but not romantic. She ends up doing his nails or make up as a thing. He looks dashing with black polish. Haizaki has none of that and even if Nosaka is really :| and stoic he'll pretty much go with anything.

11. this was like, a multiple headcanon thingy with @suzunofuusuke and @producktions alike

Nosaka is a heavy sleeper and Nishikage is the opposite. #Nosaka and Nishikage share a bed, fight me. Due to his past Nosaka has nightmares and moves a lot in his sleep so frequently he'll fall from the bed which'll make Nishi wake up and freak tf out because dfljkgf where's Yuuma?? and hes just sleeping on the floor

12. Nishi and Nosaka sometimes both stare at Asuto and how pure he is dfljghfdg like "damn Asuto's a nice friend"

i'll uh, try some Haizaki too since I've basically neglected him holy shit

13. Things get better with Akane and after Asuto basically has him talk things out with Nosaka, he becomes a lot less stressed and angry and finally starts to open up to Asuto, at least. He's a bit awkward at interacting outside the soccer field so it takes a bit of time to be comfortable around both of them, but Asuto always made it easy. He's still a bit intimidated by Nishikage though, even if he has no ill intentions towards Haizaki and they've even successfully hang out together alongisde the other two a few times. They share a love for spicy food.

14. HAIZAKI NEEDS GLASSES and he doesnt like wearing them but he's really cute in them. Asuto would always tell him that he looks cute in them and he wouldn't like it. Men aren't cute. Haizaki isn't cute!! >;C Nosaka would just quietly tell him that they look good on him nonetheless and he'd blush and say 'thanks' and thats their interaction okay #stolen from @someatsu

15. Haizaki has his ears pierced but nobody knows cuz of his long hair and that it's not allowed @ school. He likes to try out diff earrings in his spare time. Asuto catches him one day and never lets him hear the end of it but when they sometimes go walking around shop districts he'd loudly proclaim "Those would look real good on you, Haizaki!" when he'd see any cute earrings and such. poor Hai chan will try to hide from view at that. Nosaka chuckles. also stolen from @soatsuko w permission dw

16. starring guest hiro again with headcanons he shoved into my arms: Haizaki doesn't use social media because he doesn't see the point of it. Had Twitter once but got bored. likes baggy hoodies. probably has a collection of berets (this one's on @araiguma-koon)

17. @arbegagordon gave me an idea so Haizaki and Akane used to play Toontown so now that Akane isn't playing anymore, Haizaki still logs in but gets sad. Through some kind of unconventional means Asuto starts playing Toontown with him because he wants to make him happy and even if Hai chan won't admit it he's pretty happy that Asuto does this for him Nishihkage plays cooking mama Nosaka tries a lot of games but he gets bored fast because he thinks he's not good at them. He REALLY likes the pet games though. EDIT: I FORGOT. NOSAKA PLAYS ALICIA ONLINE AND NONE OF Y’ALL CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE. he likes collecting pets and clothes. he would defs cosplay his AO character omg

18. this was a collaboration of my ideas and @producktions and her analysis post basically she said that no one usually cheers for Nosaka SOOOOOOO, after Asuto finds that out he goes to all his matches and screams like fucking crazy for him and even if Nosaka won't show it he'll smile sometimes to himself because Asuto does this for him and expects nothing in return and just wants to see him smile and it’s OOF so pure

19. Asuto has both Nosaka and Haizaki merch. (you know, for support! Asuto is big on making his friends feel loved) They're both embarrassed by it and whatever they say they can't make him NOT wear it in public, as he's hanging out with THEM.

32 notes · View notes

kurtwarren54 · 3 years

Text

Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

I haven’t tracked my exact weight for JUST the first trimester but at my 16 week appt I had gained 9 pounds which my dr said was normal and on track! I will say the pounds started packing on WAY faster this second time around. Almost to the point I was freaked out. But you have to think that everything is growing and taking shape faster and as long as I am on track with my doctor I am feeling great. It is always also strange coming off fertility treatment into pregnancy because I am not fully myself. I had been doing fertility medication for almost a year and that always adds some start weight. But, like I said, it’s all part of my story. All part of my process. And honestly, the fact that I am here, it all doesn’t matter. I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby!!

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

GOOD GOD. My nausea was 10x worse this time around. At 6 weeks, I went on diclegis prescription for nausea and took 2 pills at night. Despite being on meds, I still struggled through most of my first trimester with extreme nausea. Luckily I did not have vomiting but man… the nausea was REALLY bad. To be honest with you, none of the “tricks” worked for me either. Sure snacks, small meals, ginger, etc etc but nope. Massive unrelenting nausea. The hardest part about it is that being the mom to a toddler means you don’t have the luxury of resting like you do as a first time pregnant woman. Having to take care of an active child while struggling with feeling ill is miserable. I have to thank Blake for pretty much taking over the minute he would be done with work to help me as I was doubled over on the couch. It was rough. And rough knowing just how long the first trimester is. What I did make sure to do was ALWAYS have a snack in the mid afternoon. If I didn’t have some kind of snack between 2-4pm, I would be even more miserable. Saltine crackers were always on my nightstand along with bold chex mix, and goldfish.

Growing pains

I experienced some more intense round ligament pain in my groin area this time around. I noticed it mostly at night. Especially when I needed to lawn, or sneeze or make a bigger movement I would get a twitch of pain from it.

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

I was a new level of tired being pregnant and chasing a toddler. Truth be told being in a pandemic didn’t help either. Not being able to take him places etc. I was very tired but the sickness bothered me more than being tired.

Constipation

Sorry if that’s TMI but wow the constipation was bad this time around. The first month or two was tough and I know it also has alot to do with how much progesterone is in my body. Since I wasn’t drinking coffee after my transfer right away, it was extra tough. I always feel like coffee gets me moving. HA! I know. So much TMI. You’re welcome.

Baby bump

This time around I feel my belly popped out a lot sooner! At 14 weeks I feel I had a tiny little bump. I am sure I will look back and be like, WOW that wasn’t much of a bump but it’s when I felt there was a defined transformation.

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

I think similarly to my first pregnancy, after so much loss (with each of our failed embryo transfers) you keep waiting and holding your breath as each week passes you by. Each week it’s own milestone. And you find yourself thinking, “Oh I will feel good once I hear the heart beat!” “Oh I will feel good when I hit the second trimester.” But really, I think there is always a sense of unease as you move through the process. I think it’s healthy to be a little bit nervous. It’s honest. I think things have just been more stressful with the fact that we are still in a global pandemic because of Covid-19. That has put alot of stress on us keeping our family safe during these times and staying as isolated as we can while also being aware of taking care of our mental health. We are very fortunate living where we do to be able to spend time together outdoors and that has been great for the mind and body. Really, I go to bed, and wake up every day just so damn grateful knowing that I am growing life and repeating to myself that I AM PREGNANT. And THIS IS OUR CHANCE. This is our miracle. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster to get to this point and really, despite any outside stressors buzzing around, I am just so grateful and smile so big everyday knowing that next Summer I get to make Otis a big brother.

WHAT I’M EATING

First trimester for me was CARBS. CARBS and MORE CARBS. Honestly most days I barely had an appetite because of how sick I felt but I know how important it was to nourish my body. So I would basically have to force myself to have my meals. ESPECIALLY when it came to dinner. I had no appetite at all at night. It was bad.

That being said, I didn’t have any coffee for weeks. First off because I avoid caffeine after my embryo transfer and didn’t feel comfortable drinking it until after I heard the heartbeat. At a certain point, when my nausea would allow in the am and I was in the mood for coffee, I started to drink it again. I started with decaf but then had some headaches and my doctor always encourages me to have 1 cup of caffeine to help with my headaches. What I was drinking and couldn’t stop was bubble water (or carbonated water) whatever you like to call it. I usually prefer lukewarm drinks but this pregnancy I was craving ICED COLD bubble water. We actually ended up getting this carbonated water maker and we literally use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. For some reason the cold bubble water just helped with my nausea believe it of not.

Thankfully eggs were a lifesaver for me and I could tolerate them. My favorite go to breakfast that didn’t make me want to throw up: a piece of toast, a tiny bit of mayo, and a sliced hard boiled egg with salt and pepper. I basically ate that every day. I also had a lot of bagels with cream cheese when I wasn’t feeling great. Food was just tough so we didn’t meal plan as much so I could eat more what I could stomach that day.

As the first trimester went on, I was able to eat more regularly. I always try to eat protein for breakfast (like egg) to help really nourish me. I also try to make smarter choices and slip some protein in my afternoon snack. My favorites: string cheese, chocolate covered almonds, toast or apples with almond butter. Don’t get me wrong, some days I have a bowl of chips, a cupcake, or something else that is naughty. I think it’s all about balance and sometimes, you just have to indulge.

HOW I’M SLEEPING

First trimester sleep was rough. With the waking up to pee almost every night that was one element. It’s likely the hormone changes that always get to me. Last pregnancy I had to take unisom to get some form of normal sleep. Since I started the diclegis at 6 weeks with 2 pills at night, I found that helped me sleep MUCH better. So for now, I am sleeping ok. Some nights are better than others. I do toss and turn alot.

EXERCISE

I didn’t really work out at all till at least around 10-11 weeks. Of course I was doing my daily walks with Otis etc and getting my steps in and my blood pumping. But I wanted to take it easy and honestly I didn’t have the energy to do anything before then. Starting at 11 weeks I started short 10 minute workouts on my elliptical that we have in our garage and Blake got me for Christmas. I try to do that, or just walk briskly on our treadmill for 10-15 minutes. There are weeks I barely get 1 “workout” if you even want to call it that. Basically I just try to get my blood pumping whether I am walking for Otis’ morning walk or doing something else. I also started prenatal yoga class (virtually online) every week and its been music ot my soul. Great stretching and a great time for me to sit and connect with my body and the baby. It’s something I really enjoyed while pregnant with Otis so it’s a sense of comfort being able to participate even from my computer at home.

MEDS IM TAKING

For most of the first trimester, I stayed on alot of my IVF medications. I stayed on my prednisone steroids till 9 weeks and then weaned down my estrogen patches as well as weaned down to 1 progesterone injection a day. During this time, I did get some hormonal headaches with all the fluctuations but luckily they weren’t horrible and only lasted 2 days. I finally was able to stop all my meds (with the exception of baby aspirin and my diclegis) at my graduation appointment from the fertility clinic at 12 weeks!!! This was a HUGE milestone after literally doing injections and taking medications for almost a year in prep for each of my FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles.

CHALLENGES

The biggest hurdles this pregnancy have been knowing and believing that feeling like crap would likely get better at the end of the first trimester. After a year of hormone meds, and then feeling awful my first trimester, a UTI, a yeast infection from the meds of the UTI (sorry TMI!!) I got to the point where being in my own skin was just frustrating. Being pregnant is a WILD things because your body is completely taken over. It’s beautiful in many ways and also still really emotionally challenging in others. I am so thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the first tri. But anyone else that is “IN IT” my heart hugs yours mamas. It’s tough!!

WHAT I’M WEARING

I feel everything comes on sooner with the second pregnancy and the need for stretchy things came sooner. When it comes to leggings, I still wear my pre-pregnancy lululemon align leggings which are high rise and so stretchy as well as my alo leggings that are really soft and a little lower rise. Both still fit comfortably and fit over my growing body. Toward the end of my first trimester, I ended up buying these maternity leggings from beyond yoga and I LOVE them. They feel like second skin and are so buttery soft. They come all the way up over your bump or you can also fold it down to go under. Highly suggest them as they are SO comfy.

Also because I don’t leave my house often (because of Covid-19) I wear a ton of sweats. These sets from Michael Stars have been a guilty pleasure because they are SO soft and made of terry material. I also love my sweat set from Tan Lines that Sivan sent over. The material is SO soft and I feel like a cool mom in them. Although Blake made fun of my crop top sweater. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS COOL!!! I do enjoy wearing more cropped tops when pregnant to let the belly have it’s little bit of room. I did end up getting one pair of maternity denim from jbrand that actually fit great toward the end of my first trimester also. Will report back when I wear them out. Equally stretchy too.

I did buy 3 bras from skims that I have been loving too. This scoop bra, this triangle bra and this nursing bra are all GREAT. I wanted to see what the hype was about with this brand and I have to say the materials are ON POINT. VERY comfy. If you plan to order, SIZE UP and size up big time. I got at least size L in everything because my boobs are enormous now and I feel their stuff runs small. I also have a ton of bras from Otis’ pregnancy. From last pregnancy, I have my hatch and bravado bras that I wear weekly also.

It’s different for the second pregnancy because you start showing and feeling bigger sooner (at least in my case) so you are in that in between period of not fully having a bump but feeling large and awkward if that makes sense. I have to say, a perk of pandemic life is the fact that I am mostly in lounge wear so I have been able to avoid real clothes for most of the first trimester aside from doctors appointments etc.

SELF LOVE

First trimester was just really challenging with not feeling well constantly. Hard to give yourself self love, in a pandemic, with no childcare help. If anything, I tried to listen to my body, and lay down when Otis was napping and try my best to give my body the much needed rest it was craving. Nearing the end of the first tri, showers and a blow dry were my self care routine and even an at home mani/pedi. Feeling better was already such a treat and allowed me the time to do some other things for myself. I think it’s just so important to listen to your body and slow down when you need it.

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

So we didn’t do much to prep for baby in the first trimester except for me sharing our good news with my good friend (and interior design guru) Anne! She helped to plan out the interiors of our whole home including master bedroom, living and dining rooms, and most recently Otis’ nursery. I basically texted her and forced her to dream up Baby #2 nursery ideas so we are currently working on that! IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC.

WHAT’S NEXT

I am looking forward to more ultrasounds!!!! I can not WAIT for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to get some more face time with baby. Other than that, it’s check off each week as an incredible milestone and try to remain as active as I can to help get my body strong for delivery again. It’s exciting to near the half mark and be buying things for baby, talking to Otis about the baby and just imagining our life together as a family. I honestly am still in shock everyday. I feel lucky everyday. Our rainbows have brighten out life immensely and I am so excited to continue to share our journey with you all. Big love from all of us.

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

from Wellness https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2021/02/17/pregnancy-2-first-trimester/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

0 notes

elizabethcariasa · 3 years

Text

Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

Growing pains

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

Constipation

Baby bump

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

WHAT I’M EATING

HOW I’M SLEEPING

EXERCISE

MEDS IM TAKING

CHALLENGES

WHAT I’M WEARING

SELF LOVE

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

WHAT’S NEXT

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

0 notes

rickyticky-bobbywobbin · 7 years

Text

100 Questions tag thing.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? closed. my closet is not used for clean clothing.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? if my mom tells me to

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? tucked in but sometimes my sister sleeps on my bed and somehow undoes everything

4. Have you stolen a street sign before? yeah

5. Do you like to use post-it notes? i like using them when i have them

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? yeah they are usualy for fast food joints but im just too broke to buy fod lol

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? uhmmm... im assuming i wont die so ill say bear because thats much more bad ass

8. Do you have freckles? I do!

9. Do you always smile for pictures? depends who is taking the picture

10. What’s your biggest pet peeve? when im in the car and i get no say in the music. sorry but like... i want a say i dont wanna listen to some sad rock.

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? yeah lol

12. Have you peed in the woods? no

13. Have you ever pooped in the woods? no

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? uhm if im alone yeah

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? nope

16. How many people have you slept with this week? 1

17. What size is your bed? twin

18. What is your song of the week? Julia - Charly Bliss

19. Is it OK for guys to wear pink? YES

20. Do you still watch cartoons? yeah, i have a three year old sister

21. What is your least favorite movie? uhm....that ive seen , probably the hunger games, just not my thing

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? in a cemetery w a fake tomb stone ontop

23. What do you drink with dinner? water or if im at a restaurant i get Shirley temples

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? sweet and sour sauce or ketchup

25. What is your favorite food? sushi and poke bowls

26. What movies could you watch over and over again and still love? Rocky Horror Picture Show and Scott Pilgrim VS the World

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? i smooched my dad on the cheek before going to bed last night but on the lips was my bf

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? nah

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? depends on how much im getting paid and if i look good lol

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I wrote my dad a fathers day card but a letter that i shipped in the mail was like... sophomore year or something to my at the time boyfriend.

31. Can you change the oil on a car? HA no

32. Even gotten a speeding ticket? cant drive yet

33. Even ran out of gas? when i was in the car with my dad

34. What’s your favorite kind of sandwich? a hoagie. its like roast beef, turkey, and chicken w lettuce tomato and red onions w mayo and mustard. its so good

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast? depends on the mood. i like grits and eggs or sometimes i want like blueberry pancakes

36. What is your usual bedtime? 3-4 am

37. Are you lazy? yep

38. When you were a kid, what did you dressed up as for Halloween? Lots of things, i was a hobo, a bat, a cat, snow white, a pirate, a witch, a puppet, and a whole bunch of other shit

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign? Tiger

40. How many languages can you speak? English and a little chinese

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? no

42. Which are better: LEGOS or Lincoln Logs? uhm i played with lincoln logs more but i like legos more, theres more things to make

43. Are you stubborn? yeah

44. Who is better: Leno or Letterman? i dont really care about talk shows

45. Ever watch soap operas? my mom watched one but idk what it is

46. Are you afraid of heights? im more afraid of falling to my death

47. Do you sing in the car? YES

48. Do you sing in the shower? YEP

49. Do you dance in the car? you can dance in a car?

50. Ever used a gun? nah

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? idk my mom is a photographer so probably last year for fathers day

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? eh they can be lol

53. Is Christmas stressful? yeah bc my family that lives close hates us and we HAVE TO GO and it sucks

54. Ever eat pierogi? what is that

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? i love it all

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? a florist, astronaut, vet, aaand president

57. Do you believe in ghosts? yes

58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling? alot lol

59. Do you take vitamin daily? No, theyre expensive

60. Do you wear slippers? no

61. Do you wear a bath robe? nope

62. What do you wear to be comfortable? Leggings and hoodies or teeshirts

63. What was your first concert? idk lol i went on tour with my dad when i was like itty bitty so my first concert was prob one of his, but the first one i remember was when i went to go see good Charlotte and sum 41

64. Walmart, Target or KMART? i like target

65. Nike or Adidas? i havent worn either so idk

66. Cheetos or Fritos? BBQ FRITOS or crunchy cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower Seeds? Ui like sunflower seeds

68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? no?

69. Ever take dance lessons? i took three weeks of ballet when i was a baby

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? uh idk lol

71. Can you curl your tongue? i can double curl it :^).

72. Ever won a spelling bee? i cant spell for shit

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah lol i cry a lot

74. Own any record albums? i have a million bc of my dads record collection but i have a few of my own

75. Own a record player? my dad does

76. Do you regularly burn incense? no my parents are stoners so they light them lol

77. Even been in love? Yeah

78. Who would you like to see in concert? panic at the disco, bruno mars, and Charly Biss

79. What was the last concert you saw? I saw the regretts at the echo.

80. Hot Tea or Cold Tea? hot when im sick and cold when im not

81. Tea or Coffee? tea

82. Sugar Cookies or Snickerdoodles?BOTH

83. Can you swim well? eh im okay

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes

85. Are you patient? usualy

86. DJ or Band at a Wedding? uhm probably a band idk

87. Ever won a contest? yeah a few art contests and one poetry contest

88. Have you ever had plastic surgery? no... i wanna get my nose fixed...

89. Which are better: Black or Green Olives? BLAFT i dont like either

90. Can you knit or crochet? uhm i cross stitch

91. Best room for a fireplace? the bathroom duh, lol ive had fireplaces we just dont use them ever so i dont really care

92. Do you want to get married? yeah one day, i never really wanted to a while a go but i kinda want to now.

93. If married, how long have you been married? not married yet

94. Who was your high school crush? uh.. i dated a few people in highschool so mu crushes changed all the time

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No lol

96. Do you have kids? no but i am always babysitting my 3 year old sister so its like i have a kid lol

97. Do you want kids? maybe

98. What is your favorite color? uh dark purple and black

99. Do you miss anyone right now? yeah...

100. Who are you going to tag to do this tag next? no one lol. do it if you want

1 note · View note

almostdeaddepression · 5 years

Text

In my feelings

so its 1:30am and i cannot get out of my head. im tired all the time but cant sleep. I started crying just because i miss my mom and I cant seem to do anything right. I feel like i should reach out for help but my two best friends have their own things going on. Like they also struggle with depression.

One recently moved two states away from me and honestly that killed me. I know shes going through stuff in her life too, in a lot of ways that is more important and life changing than the stuff in my life. And the other friend has had some terrible awful things happen in her life. I want to be happy for them when they tell me theyre doing better. I want to feel for them when they tell me things are rough. I want to be there for them when they need someone to lean on and in a lot of ways I am. But, at the same time, i feel like im going through the motions of trying to be supportive because my own headspace is so dark.

Think breakaway glass used in theater and movies, my support for them is like that. and their issues are like water. like the glass will hold water however with any slight impact it will shatter. I genuinely try to be there for them, but as hard as i try i feel like i cannot get to a place where i can genuinely be there for them. And asking them for help would just seem like a burden. And i love them so much that i would never want them to think that my issues outweighed theirs in the slightest.

i cant sleep. yet im so tired and god willing i would sleep all day if I could.

I feel selfish even thinking about unloading this on some of my friends. God, im so fucked up right now I feel like the hole im in keeps getting deeper and darker and I cant seem to pull myself out. Ive thought about this a lot. I feel like my depression and the way I feel isnt valid in the slightest.

for an example, my sister was diagnosed with depression in her teens, Since then I have also been diagnosed with depression, and no matter what it just never seems as valid as her depression. shes medicated for it and doing fabulously and from someone looking at her you would have no idea.

My father has just always validated her depression and put me on the backburner. like she went to a facility for a week and he did everything in his powe to pull her out of it. yes, its noble, and i so want that for her but in the process ive been forgotten.

a material example: my father bought her a brand new bedset. queen mattress, huge TV, bedframe, side tables, dresser, you name it. while I was sleeping on a futon. I asked why she, who had a large bed, frame, and dresser got this new addition and he responded... well you didnt come with us. I was 17 and at work.I slept on a futon for another 6 months. then “upgraded” to my mother’s hand-me-down twin bed that had a broken box spring. when i finally got a new bed set it was when I was 20, i purchased it myself and got it on craigslist and trust me it wasnt pretty. i had just had enough and wanted an adult bed as i moved out.

an emotional example: The night i got kicked out I got into an argument with my sisters shithead. My sister and I had an agreement to NOT call my father during an argument because he doesnt respond rationally. she called my father, he called me shortly after. He kicked me out of my home and gave me a week to get all my things and leave. I remember begging him to let ME tell him what had happened. He called me a bitch and told me he didnt want to hear it. my own father kicked me out of my home, without as much as letting me explain my side of the situation.

other examples:

when I was on a low dose antidepressant he called me a “pussy” and told me that I wasnt actually depressed and that i should leave real medications to the people who needed them.... like my sister

when I finally got to a place through therapy where I told him what I was feeling and how I had been feeling he kind of validated it but still compared it to my sisters depression and told me that I needed to go to the gym more and told me to essentially suck it up and move on. simply because my sisters depression was “real” and mine was a phase

at the end of the day im still depressed. ive been in such a dark place that every other thought in my head is me either me thinking how ill die alone, how my family left me, how the world would be better without me in it, how i burden everyone I interact with, or just flat out thinking about what would happen if I killed myself?

the thing of it is, ive felt this way for a long time. I lived with my sister and she didnt take the time to notice or reach out. my father just cared about how much of a “bitch” I am. Nobody seemed to notice when my bubbly, social, self suddenly started sleeping every day, missing events and classes, stopped taking my medication, stopped showering regularly. nobody seemed to notice anything besides im “difficult”. and apparently so difficult that he put me on the street with essentially nothing. I feel like I tried to reach out but my depression and my feelings wernt as valid as other peoples so it never seemed to matter enough.

when the two people you love most in the world straight up abandon you and kick you to the curb you can either sink or swim. ive tried to swim. ive tried to get back into a place where I can feel something again. However..... Im doing this blindly and with no support. I just dont think putting me in a place where im alienated from my entire family and everyone i love is what my depression needs.

with my job hunt failing, my schooling failing, with my family failing, with everything in my life crumbling my depression is like a fire that keeps getting gasoline on it. The thing of it is I think about my friend who recently passed away from a suicide attempt. I think about how sad his father was when speaking about him. how much we all cried at his funeral. how many people showed up. and i know how much it hurts the people you care about.

I’m just at a point where I dont know what my options are anymore. When i’m public enemy number one in my own family and im abandoned by my local friends i just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like if one more horrible thing happens I’m going to start considering a way out and trust me, I dont want to do that to my friends and family.

and I know that people say there are always other options..... but I litterally have nothing. and nobody. im so broke I cant afford anything really. Im so alone because my family abandoned me. I cant afford therapy. I cant find a job, my support system consists of two friends because my other friends are excluding me from things. and my whole support system is just gone. ive never in my whole life felt this low or along. never. I honestly feel shittier now than when my mom died. im in a darker place now than when MY OWN MOTHER DIED, because at least then I had people to lean on. friends, activities, school.... my family.... but now.......... nothing...... and i just feel dead inside.

anyway im all caught up in my own head and its not doing me good to be up this late so I’ll just go to bed. or try to. I promise im fine. again this whole thing isnt intended to be anything more than a personal “diary” of sorts. I dont plan on sharing this with anyone. more for my use in trying to release some of these feelings in an attempt to alleviate this overwhelming darkness thats eating my soul. I have to work an early shift tomorrow.....

#depression #cry for help #diary #in my mind #headspace #family #in my feelings #late night blogging

0 notes

secretssecretsarenofun · 7 years

Text

Personal journal:

I doubt this will be a regular occurance, but even if it doesn’t reach anyone I have to let my thoughts out somewhere. I post them here in order to perhaps have someone stumble on them and try to reach out. Maybe it’s a ill fated cry for help. I have no idea if it is therapeutic or not so let’s just say it is. I regularly don’t eat more than one meal a day. I sometimes snack, and drink a decent amount of water. I smoke weed every day. When I’m working I only smoke at night. When I’m not, it can range from all day or to just the evening again. I live in a tiny room in a 9 person house. All strangers. Right next to me lives a man who is unstable. He regularly gets angry for no apparent reason. Shouts threateningly, to whom i don’t know but it scares me to think he might be focusing on me when it happens. I genuinely fear for my safety when this happens and ultimately makes my living situation a small nightmare.

However, I am fast to tell people that things are doing just fine. I am working at a prestigious theater doing what I love. That part of my life couldn’t be going any better. But everything else. My family relationships, my friendships, my hobbies, they all have fallen to the wayside in one way or another. I see friends a few times a week, and talk to my family every few weeks but I am largely alone throughout my days.

I haven’t met anyone in any real romantic capacity since I moved here and I don’t make any effort to focus on that getting better. It’s an extremely anxious and vulnerable topic that I have buried for years and years, so to even explain what is going on or lack thereof, feels almost futile. Where could someone get enough context on my life to understand what I feel? How many hours worth of thereputic sessions would it take for them to say, I get it?

I certinaly don’t have that fucking answer.

I sense struggle, pain, frustration, confusion, and fear in me.

I try to be intuitive, empathetic, light hearted, friendly.

I need to be logical, confident, patient, trusting, as in to trust others.

Im glad I find purpose and meaning in my career, otherwise I’d truly be a mess. I suppose it’s time for bed. I find it hard to want to masturbate these days too. Knowing that it’s the only way to get any intimate pleasure or at least the illusion of it, really makes it difficult to believe in the fantasy. When I do get there though it is an effective sleep aid.

My public view of sex is much more liberal than my private action of sex. I don’t think I am lazy though when it comes to dating, I over think, become anxious and constantly check myself. I also only ever meet new people though work so that’s also a mine field to navigate in its own way.

I hope that in the future I can look back on this time in my life and actually say that what I did today made future Spencer’s day better. Made him get that much closer to his goals and wants in life. I feel that for the most part I am the Spencer I would have wanted to be in while I was a teenager. I wonder how I would look to him now. Or how myself would look to my future self. I tell myself to trust my struggle. To believe that the long way is the right way. That no great achievements were without sacrifice. I guess the question now is, what am I sacrificing? And for how long?

0 notes