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sapphicmsmarvel · 2 months

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feysand: getting together

feyre and rhysand discover the beauty of triad-bonds. no smut, all fluff, a sprinkle of angst.

buckle in we got a long ride (3K but hey this is long for me)

- It was interesting how you three got together.

- Of course Rhysand initially thought that he and Feyre got together first out of the three of you.

- No. You and Feyre lost your virginities together, and had your first kisses together.

- She calls you her first love, always has.

-Rhysand has always found you interesting, you were an angel compared to Nesta and Elain. When Feyre had come back to the mortal lands, you were the only one to look at her with relief. He could practically taste it as you brought her into your arms and cried into her hair.

“Oh, my love. Whose ass am I kicking?”

He didn’t miss the nickname, nor the way Feyre glowed after you called her that. Or how you never left her side.

It was the first time he had heard Feyre giggle.

So he knew right then and there he was going to protect you no matter what. That opinion was solidified when you welcomed them in with open arms, no questions. Then, you snapped at Nesta on their behalf.

He remembers when he asked you why you let them in so easily. You had shrugged and said, “Feyre trusts you. I trust you.”

It was…interesting to say the least. If he wasn’t so smitten with Feyre he’ll admit that he could fall for you.

-One night, after the war, after Cassian and Nestas' mating ceremony and baby Nyx’s birth; the two of them laid in bed with the babe cuddled into Feyre’s chest. He asked the question he had been dying to ask. “Were you and Y/N ever….?”

She looked at him as if she was nervous, “yes.” She whispered, her voice small. “Is that a problem?”

“No!” Rhysand whispered fervently. Quietly enough to not wake Nyx, but loud enough that it showed how much he meant it. “I’ve always had a feeling.”

She sighed, tears brimming her eyes, “gods these stupid hormones.”

He wiped her tears. “I’m not mad.”

“I know. But…” she shook her head. “It’s really scary.”

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, I want to. But I also want to show memories, so you can….understand why I don’t ever want her to leave my life.”

“I mean, I don’t know her nearly as well, yet I don’t want her to leave my life either. She’s….” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence, and if Feyre didn’t feel the exact same way, she might’ve nailed his dick to the wall.

“Yeah.” She sighed. “She has a way of captivating people.”

He felt her brush against his shields, and he opened up to her.

“We met when we were five years old. Around age six, I declared I was going to marry her. Everyone laughed at me, but when I told her that she just smiled and said, ‘I want to marry you too’. Of course, we were six years old, we didn’t know any better. All throughout our childhood we shared a bond, I thought my entire life she was my soulmate.”

As Feyre spoke, Rhysand saw her weave the tale of you two.

“Then, I fell for Tamlin, and then you. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone. But she’s always stayed in my heart. When we went back to the village to see my sisters, I was more nervous to see her. Nesta and Elain rejected me my entire life, she was the one person that never did. I don't know what I would’ve done if she looked at me like that. Like I was a monster.”

He then felt the happiness that Feyre felt that day when you took her into your arms. He could feel the tears that hit Feyres neck as you cried. Your perfume seemed to have a mind of its own and weave around her. He was in Feyre’s head, he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to leave this embrace.

As the night went on, she shared more memories of the two of you. He could feel his heart glowing as he saw you two laugh and grow together.

- When Feyre was gone, you had found him in the backyard of the townhouse. He was drinking a glass of fae wine. You sat down next to him.

“You know Feyre would call me a sap for being worried about her.” You started.

He could almost laugh at that. It fits. “She’d also probably hit you.”

“Oh yeah, maybe with her shoe?” He whipped his head to you.

“She tells me everything, Rhysand.” You quirked an eyebrow. “Everything. Which is why I’m not storming into the spring court. I know what she needs to do.”

“What?”

“She told me about it. When it was happening.” You said. “When that bastard brought us in, she spoke in my head. Told me about it and that I needed to trust you guys. So I did.” “I’m sorry, that you three got brought into this.”

You shrugged, “you would’ve seen me around anyway. Fey and I can’t stay away from each other. At least this way our friendship will last longer.”

He huffed a laugh, amazed at your positivity. “I’m surprised you’re this positive about it.”

You shrugged, “I just got her back, I’m not losing her again.”

“Yeah. I can relate to that.” He said quietly.

- After that night, he looked after you more. You helped out in the kitchen, you cleaned too even though you were requested not to. You can’t just sit around. You even talked to Rhysand about getting a job.

- You two also hung out together, you either talked or just sat quietly. He found that you were one of those people that made it extremely easy to talk to you about anything. He felt safe with you immediately, which should’ve rang off more warning bells than it did.

- You were accepting this life, because rejecting it would just result in a big spiral that you refused to go down. You’ve been down a depression rut before, you know when the signs are coming so you made yourself useful around the townhouse.

- After Feyre came back from the Spring Court; you welcomed her again with open arms. Held her while her own sisters turned her away.

Nesta had shoved you away because to her it seemed you were taking Feyre’s side. You weren’t. You loved all of them so much, you just wanted a bit of normalcy even though you knew it would never be normal again.

Him, Feyre and the entire Inner Circle heard that screaming match between you and Nesta.

“And you’re acting like everything’s fine!”

“If I do not act, I will fall apart. This is our lives now. It sucks, the change fucking sucks but you know what could suck more? Feyre being dead. I know you like to act all cold and heartless because it’s some fucking defense mechanism-“

“Do not psychoanalyze me Y/N.”

“My defense mechanism is trying to make the most out of things! I’m sorry I'm not like you Nesta; I always wish I would be. It would be a lot less painful than feeling every-fucking-thing.”

Nesta was silent and you continued. “I love you, I would do anything to protect you, to help you. But I cannot be pulled between the three of you.”

“So you’re choosing Feyre? Acting like this is normal?”

“I am choosing me.” You said. “I am choosing to deal with things. This is my life now and I will be damned if I waste one more second on hating myself ever again.”

Nesta had left the room, storming past the inner circle and walking out. Feyre quickly ran upstairs, her mate hot on her trail. Everyone else remained downstairs in case you didn’t want an audience. Hell, Cassian tried to pull Rhysand away from checking on you. But Rhysand had shrugged him off.

You’d grown on Rhys quite a bit.

When they got upstairs, Feyre crept in, “Sometimes.” You breathed, “I want to punch that bitch in the face.”

“Y/N-” Feyre started.

“I love her, so much, Fey. But my Gods-” You choked out. “I am just trying to keep it all together.”

“I know.” Feyre nodded, “that’s what you do. You make sure we’re all okay, but you don’t prioritize yourself. That’s what you’ve always done, but please do not put us before you this time.” Feyre’s voice was wobbly as she turned you into her shoulder.

That’s where you broke down, and Rhysand made himself scarce. But not before seeing that look in his mates eyes. The same look she had when she found him during his nightmare.

The face of someone watching the love of their life break down.

-Eventually things between you and Nesta got better, “they always do” you had reassured Rhysand when he was talking to you about it. Feyre even agreed, “things always work out with Y/N. She doesn’t let stuff be unsaid.”

- That’s why when he started fumbling around you like a schoolgirl, he realized pretty quickly what was going on. He knew that if you got a whiff about it, it would be endless misery. Not only would he lose Feyre, his entire family would turn on him. He knew what he was feeling too. It was the same thing he felt about Feyre when he first met her, intrigue. And then, it became so much more.

The mating bond was beginning to snap. But a trio bond? Cause he still very much was bonded to Feyre. He had never heard of a trio bond in his particular area of the world. He knew couples took on consorts or occasional thirds. He even joked about that with Fey.

Hell, this entire inner turmoil he’s had to keep from shouting down the bond. He wants to talk to her because she’s his best friend but how do you tell your wife you think you’re also fated to be with her best friend?

So he began countless research methods. Just wondering if it was a thing at all. Or if they were about to rewrite history. However, he found that while it wasn’t common, it did happen. So, he began a folder compiling research, putting things together to show Feyre everything he’s found.

- Pretty soon he was able to grow a pair and tell her. He walked into their home, first he checked on his beloved son to see him sleeping in his crib. Then found Feyre in their bedroom. He walked up to Feyre too, ready to confess, when she looked at him extremely nervous. “I wanna try something.” She started. “I…I love you. So fucking much Rhys. But….I was wondering if we could add Y/N to the mix. I’ve felt this pull and I can’t explain it. And it’s really scaring me right now.”

He felt like he was going to collapse. He then realized he didn’t say anything when Feyre started crying, “please say something.”

“I…I’ve felt the pull too.” He held out the folder, “that’s actually what I want to talk to you about.”

So they stayed up quite late, going over the logistics, how they still felt about each other (spoiler: disgustingly in love still), and how they would feel adding you.

- They wanted you more than anything.

- So, despite Feyre telling Rhysand “no my love, she’s not going to like subtle ways here. She needs direct.” He still went subtle.

- She just let him do whatever. Even though she knew damn well you don’t like gray areas, you need point blank black and white.

- She knew not intervening sooner would bite her in the ass, especially when you stormed into the art studio fuming. But she did enjoy the beautiful blush on your cheeks. She also found your angry eyes disgustingly attractive like she always has.

You threw your bag over in a chair. “You need to tell your husband to stop flirting with me.” You hissed to her.

Feyre raised a brow, “tell him yourself.”

You looked shocked. Feyre quickly realized that this wasn’t the time for a blunt best friend role. Especially when she knew her husband had feelings for her best friend. “Fey! You can’t be okay with this!”

She sighed, “can you just stay here, please? I’m going to get him here and we’re going to get this figured out.”

You sighed and waited. When Rhysand came strolling in all breezy, he froze like he was terrified. “Uh, hello my two favorite beautiful ladies-”

“See!” You yelled. “He doesn’t stop.”

“And he’s not going to.” Feyre sighed, “we have something to talk to you about.”

She was glad she could read your face so well after all these years still. Let’s just hope there were more years of friendship, and possibly more.

She also didn't know how to be around the bush with you. “You know the mating bond?”

You nodded, so she continued. “Since a few months ago, both Rhys and I-” she looked at her husband. “We’ve felt…a pull to you.”

You just stared. Rhysand continued. “The pull is the beginning of the mating bond.” Then he noticed that you weren’t reacting.

“Why aren’t you surprised?” Rhysand asked.

“She already knows.” Feyre said.

You said nothing, and Feyre continued. “You knew and didn’t say anything?”

“You didn’t say anything for a few months.” You said weakly. “When did you know?”

“The second I came out of that cauldron. I felt it then.”

Rhysand felt his own heart shatter, Feyre could feel her own shatter then as well. You waited years. Rhysand didn’t even wait that long knowing that it was Feyre. He waited a good six months but not years. Feyre didn’t wait at all, she jumped his bones.

Feyre jumped back, shocked. “You knew for years? Why didn’t you-”

“What could I have said, Fey?!” You yelled. “That I’m 90 percent sure that I’m meant to be with you and your husband? Doesn’t help the fact that-” You cut yourself off, you were bordering on hysterics.

“The fact that what?” Rhysand said softly. “You two make it horrifically easy to fall in love with you.” You said, your tears finally cresting over your waterline and flowing down your cheeks. “I tried. I tried not to. Because I didn’t know if the cauldron was just cruel and gave me two mates I could never have. I knew it was possible for people to reject their mates so I accepted I was destined for that.”

You sniffed, “my gods, why don’t you just put me out of my misery and reject it right now. I’ll leave Velaris, I’ll leave you alone.”

Feyre was crying. “You don’t deserve to be rejected.” “Well, you wouldn't think that if you knew the thoughts I had about your literal husband but okay Fey.”

“If you were a random woman, that’s when I’d care. But you’re you-”

“And your best friend. It’s a cliche ass trope.” You wiped your face.

“And you are my mate!” She shouted. “You are destined to be mine, to be Rhysand’s, to be ours!”

You looked at Rhysand, “you’ve been silent. What are you thinking?”

“How lucky I am to have two beautiful women be mine. If you’ll have me.” He said, his voice was quiet and hoarse, as if he was terrified that if he spoke too loud, he’d spook you and you’d run.

You let out a broken sob, Feyre and Rhysand ran to hold you.

“We would be honored if you became our mate.” Feyre said, her forehead pressed against your temple.

“When I first met you,” Rhys began, his chin resting on your head. His hands clasped around Feyre’s back on your left side, he was on your right. “I saw how happy you made Feyre. But then when she was gone, you kept me from losing it on…well everyone.” He admitted.

“We had only had a few conversations.” You said.

“Shhh, I’m confessing.” He teased, then he heard you snort a laugh. “When Feyre and you first reunited. I saw how happy she was, how she felt so safe. I vowed right then that I would protect you to keep that smile on her face. But once I got to know you, I realized I would protect you in general. You made me feel so at ease. I felt the peace that I knew Feyre must feel when she talks to you. You are strong, you are sweet, you are the most welcoming person I have met in my lifetime. You had every right to react poorly to us, instead, you took us in simply because we were with Feyre. You never looked at us like you were superior, or that we were your superior. Just equals sharing a space.” He held you two tighter.

“You could’ve ignored us completely, or been rude. But instead, you unabashedly asked Azriel and Cassian to help you cook because if we were going to stay we had to do work.” His shoulders shook with restrained laughter. He heard Feyre giggling and even you let out a wet laugh. “I realized you were a gem too many times to count. Especially when I fell asleep on the couch and not only did I have my guard up, but you covered me with a blanket so I wouldn’t get cold. Most would’ve ignored me. Then at the meeting with the other High Lords, you snapped at Tamlin and told him to ‘shut the fuck up’ and to ‘fuck off and die’. It was a magnificent thing to witness. You didn't care that he could’ve killed you with a single strike. Which, not going to lie, kind of worries me for your health in the future.”

All three of you laughed at that.

“You say we are easy to fall in love with, but you have no idea how magnetic you are.” He said. “I always wanted you and Feyre closest to me, at first I thought it was because you were her best friend, and you were becoming mine. But then…then I started to fall for you. Before I felt the tug. I fell for you because of this kindness, this bravery, the strength. It’s everything to me and if you give me the chance I will spend the rest of our lives proving how I am worthy of you and Feyre. The mating bond was just a bonus.”

You sniffled again, but he felt your arms pull from where they were wrapped around your own waist. And spoke.

“I have a condition.”

“Name it.” Feyre whispered .

“I get to have sex with you both at separate times and together. Basically, we fuck alone and together. I’m not doing this territorial fae bullshit if one of you is actually not okay with it. We are all equal and we can solo fuck each other.”

Rhysand let out a loud, boisterous laugh, “that’s not what I was expecting, but absolutely.” All of you laughed again.

“I want dates too.”

“Always.” Feyre said.

“And gifts.” You said jokingly.

“Duh.” Rhysand said seriously.

But then you untangled yourself from the huddle and went to your bag that you had thrown down when you stormed into Feyre’s art studio.

Rhysand couldn’t help the pout and Feyre whined at the loss of contact.

You said nothing, but pulled out an orange and began peeling it. “Seriously? You’re snacking after that?” Rhysand exclaimed.

“Rhys, wait.” Feyre said, tears in her eyes. Her hand on his arm.

You offered it to them, “I don’t have time to prepare something right now, and frankly I’m not patient enough.”

They just stared at your open palms. “I accept.”

- Thus the frenzy began.

#feysand #feysand x reader #feyre archeron x reader #feyre x reader #rhysand x reader #acotar x reader #feysand fluff #feysand x reader fluff

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thefiresontheheight · 11 months

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1. The Roud Folk Song Index lists it as the 39th Child Ballad. Comparisons to be made to Type 425 in the Aarne-Thompson-Uther Index, under the entry “The Search for the Lost Husband.” TvTropes.com has more to say on the page titled “Shapeshifting Lover.” A story iterated upon in many forms. A young woman, almost always a woman, sometimes virginal, is wedded, or falls in love with, or is taken away by a man under some sort of curse. He is horse. Or a lindworm. Or a wolf. Sometimes only at night. Sometimes only when the fairies who cursed him make him so. He is a Beast, she must undo whatever evil makes him so, normally through a kiss, true love, wedding him, or, in some of the less sanitized versions, simply sex. 1. The first time they hooked up he cried afterwords, which she didn’t understand at the time. They were sophomores in college. It wasn’t her first time. It should have been casual. It was up until he cried in the morning. She felt so bad that she suggested they get breakfast together, when she had simply meant to leave. At breakfast he calmed, he talked about his life. Quiet, nerdy, hiding in his hoodie. There was something vulnerable there, and she liked it. She gave him her number after. 2. Later thinkers and writers have revisited this trope. Sometimes it is played straight, depicted on the screen by Disney. Sometimes this is (falsely I would argue) called Stockholm Syndrome. Sometimes this is, it must be said, simply used for purposes of sex and titillation. I think, however, that the continued persistence of this motif in media, it’s emotional resonance, demands further explication of its longevity. What about this appeals to us in the modern day, when we (ideally) can no longer ascribe to it a moral of young women being forced to accept arranged marriages? 2. They’re a few months into their time dating, after long arguments about that label, when the crying returns. This time no longer after sex, but she feels the emotion is the same. You should leave me, he says. Break up. You should do it now before I hurt you, he says. And she, not wanting to point out that she is bigger and stronger than he is, gently asks why he says something like that? In there time together he has been nothing if not careful. Thoughtful. Kind. One of the most soft and charming people she knows. He cannot explain it in any satisfying way. He simply insists that there is something dark inside him. Something he has sought to deny far too long, and will not be able to deny forever. That if she stays she will be hurt, simply as a function of loving him. He will one day lose the fight against himself. She does not know what to do but hold him. 3. I think some of the appeal of this trope can be found in reference to another motif of our pop cultural mythos. That of the werewolf. We are used to seeing werewolves depicted from the viewpoint of the hunted. But there is perpetually the question of what such a transformation looks like from the viewpoint of the animal itself. A human transforming into a beast demands of a human audience that we consider what it must be like to monster. To be capable of hurting those we love. And yet, I at least wonder, if we are capable of hurting those loved ones, do we not still hope that they will love us as we transform? As we become different, monstrous in shape and utterly unknown even to them? 3. They graduate. Together. Move into an apartment above a Taiwanese restaurant. She gets a shitty job that has health insurance for them both. He does commission from home. It’s not perfect. There is some part of him he never shares and she does her best to make peace with that. To accept that wherever his mind goes when he is watching her put on a dress, do her make up, whatever he ponders while watching the women passing by the street outside, or after they have sex, that is something he has chosen not to share. But instead they share popcorn. And bills. And shitty inside jokes. And that time they got accidentally drunk at his mothers remarriage to Craig (fucking Craig amiright?) and got found by the staff of the hotel whose ballroom she had rented, having passed out near the punch bowl. It’s a life. It’s their life. She tries to give him space within it. 4. Consider again the Ballad of Tam Lin. The idea of Janet in the woods, holding onto her lover as wicked fairies transform him. To something ice cold. To something burning hot. To a horrible slimed thing writhing in her embrace. To a snarling wolf-monster, a beast of wicked claws and gnashing teeth. Who has, at one time or another, when circumstances reveal that which we keep hidden, felt like that? 4. She gets home unexpectedly early one spring afternoon in her late twenties. Janet from accounting somehow set fire to a microwave, which set off the sprinklers, and no one could get anything done that day. A small treat, and it validates her admittedly flash-judgment of Janet. And as she unlocks the door, flowers in hand, she finds him in front of the closet they share, and understands the secret that has been kept from her for almost a decade. 5. And then of course, the tales and legends end. Normally in the curse being lifted, the lover being returned to normal. Beast is a beast no more, the Lindworm is again a prince, Tam Lin may leave the woods a man. A simple ending to a simple story. But for us living in reality? Outside of the tidy constraints of fiction? Perhaps there is no ending. Perhaps we remain a beast, remain a wolf, remain cursed, and monstrous and strange. Perhaps we endlessly transform into new, and more twisted shapes, and have only hope that our loves will hold us nonetheless. That even if we become something that may hurt them, something they may not understand, they will still love us. 5. It is hard. It would be nice to say there are not challenges. She always thought she was bi, but the label of straight was easy, and she never had to examine it when she was with him. She keeps on stealing her dresses. There are good times too. Times where she looks at this woman still becoming, someone she had loved for a decade and still barely knows, and sees how brightly she smiles, and feels so proud. But it is above all else hard. The crying does not go away. Estrogen works wonders, but cannot stop dysphoria, and hurt, and pain. It is hard to love her. But she is trying. And when the fights over labels and new boundaries and shifting emotions break out, or the dread comes, or the weeping, she does what she can. She holds her partner, no matter the form she takes.

#long post #short fiction #short story #trans fiction

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coleaep · 1 year

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🤍AT HIS WORST🤍

Kurt Cobain x Reader

1167 words

WARNINGS: mentions of virginity loss, sex. Heavy suicide mention. Depressing.

Lmk if I missed something

Before Kurt and i married each other we had a friendship. It was a trouble making, punk, but quiet teenage friendship.

At one point he told me about his parents and his pot addiction. To be honest I didn't like it, but I didn't tell him that. Kurt was already to shattered to hear me nag at him tell him it's not good for him as well as to stop.

But that was until my parents got divorced and none of them wanted me, leaving me no choice but to run. Not really though. I stayed with Kurt at a run down place.

I was hanging out with Kurt one day while he was smoking and I decided to take a hit, I mean .. I had nothing to lose.

I don't know when it was that Kurt had asked if we could take each other's virginity. I said yes, thinking I was going to never get a boyfriend.

After we had sex I caught feelings for him and I hated it. He wasn't stable enough to be in a relationship and he knew that. Although when we turned 16 we got together. I suppose it was to seal the lonely hole we both had in our hearts.

Once we turned 20, we got engaged and then married but just before that I got pregnant with his baby.

____

And so now we had a 2 year old girl.

I also started to feel like Kurt was acting strange. Almost dead..

His smile rarely came onto his face when he was around not only his band mates, but me as well and it made me feel scared yet also insecure that his love for me was fading.

I knew confrontation wouldn't be the best for him since he's to fragile so I just decided to ask him how he was going.

I walk inside the house after going out to buy some groceries and I head to both mine and Kurt's bedroom, but yet I find it empty.

I tip-toe to the bathroom unsure of where the man was.

"KURT! NO!". I smack the shot gun away from his head, dropping to my knees and clinging onto him so tightly I thought I might suffocate him. It takes him a second to realise I was there. "I'm sorry Yn" he cries immensely as I do to. "Kurt... please don't leave", i cough.

"I'm so broken" he continues and I hush him. I couldn't sit there and let him say he wanted to end himself. I wouldn't let him. "Please Kurt .. j..just talk to me. Let me understand".

Sniffles and coughs come from us both as we hold onto each other. I didn't want but I knew I had to let go of him. Just to hear him say what's going on in his head. I knew it would be hard for him to explain or even just say but I didn't care.

I untangle myself from him and keep his hands tightly in mine. " I know you deserve better Yn..", he mutters. "No. Kurt, no. I'm not gunna let you say that. Baby, please" I cup his face in my hands and I look into his ocean blue eyes. I don't know what I would do if I lost the opportunity to look at them.

I felt like I couldn't ever leave him alone anymore. This just proved that he had no idea how much I needed him.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours. I held his hands in my lap whilst his head rested on my shoulder.

"Kurt..." I whispered. He hummed in response. "Lilly has to be picked up and I want you to come with me.." "k" was all he said before we got up and went outside and into his car. As we drove to the preschool Kurt held onto my arm securing it in his embrace.

As we walk through the small playground in search of our child, Kurt kept his head down. I wanted to comfort him but I didn’t know how.

“DADDY!”. (C/n) wobbled over to us with her arms open wide. “Hey baby”. I could see a small tear drop fall on (C/n) ‘s head whilst she hugged his leg.

“Hey princess, wanna have a sleepover with grandma tonight” I suggest and her smile glows as she nods. “Ok” I smile and we walk back out to the car.

The drive to Kurt’s mothers house took about 20 minutes. I could see multiple tiny drops of tears coming from Kurt’s eyes during the 20 minutes.

I got out of the car once we arrived and Kurt’s mother waited at the front door. I said my goodbyes and rushed back to the car.

As before the drive back home was way to quiet. The silence was almost deafening. I turned to face Kurt at one point, his already on mine. “I’m sorry…” he mumbled. Although it seemed like he wasn’t, I knew he was.

Instant tears flowed slowly down my cheeks. “I know..” I say, barely able to stabilise my words. “I just wanna .. u-understand baby” my hitches bud into my saying. “I know you do” he whispers back.

“I don’t like feeling trapped” “Kurt.. you mean like.. trapped in a marriage?” “No Yn. I feel trapped in my head cause my thoughts are trying to end me. It’s not you Yn. You and (C/n) mean the world to me. I don’t want you to see as me a broken down heroine addict. Especially (C/n)”.

I knew where he was coming from. But all I was thinking was the fact that if I was (C/n) I wouldn’t mind. I mean sure, him being addicted to drugs is bad but him still loving his child and me with all of him, was all that mattered and I wanted him to know that.

“You know Kurt..? I think (C/n and I are just lucky to have a dad and husband that loves us more than anything in this world. J just want you to know that. I really am not sure what you need to help you but I’ll do anything baby.”

“We can’t afford anything thing like a therapist Yn..” he says. “I’ll be your therapist. You can talk to me. Get things off your chest. Get them out so your not trapped”, I suggest, something in me told me he wouldn’t turn this down.

And in fact, he didn’t. “That means a lot Yn. And I’ll try.. see if it’ll get me out of my stupid brain for a minute”. “Kurt your not stupid. Your just an over thinker. I am to. But I tell our dog” he breathes out a chuckle at my last sentence and I do to.

“Ok. When we get home we are going to have a calm night ‘k?”, he nods at me and lays his hand on my thigh as we con the drive.

Its heavy but I’m going through some stuff so yeah…

#jj maybank #ahs #evan peters #american horror story #jj maybank fluff #jj maybank imagine #american horror coven #evan #evan peters fluff #evan peters smut #fluff #jj mayback imagine #jj mayback x reader #obx #smut #kurt cobain #kurt x reader #kurtcobainxreader

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mermaidsirennikita · 2 months

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Ok, so maybe this question is too broad. But what are your hands down favorite sex scenes in contemporaries? Just the scenes you return to again and again?

Sex scene questions are NEVER too broad. The depiction of sex in media is one of my favorite things to talk about, for srs or for "YOU GOTTA SEE/READ THIS" purposes.

Soooo lol I left a few Sierra Simone books off the "angstiest contemporaries" list because while they are not paranormal or whatever, sometimes her New Camelot-verse books feel too... intense? But whatever they're contemporary and these books have some of my favorite sex scenes ever so YA GETTING THEM.

(Among, as it turns out, many other scenes from many other books.)

New Camelot:

American Queen--Embry deflowering Greer which has a) surprise virgin b) possessive dark Embry content, which is some of my FAVORITE content in that series; the whole "talking to my groom on the phone while riding the best man's face and listening to him jack off and we're actually all kinda sad about it" scene--Ash giving Embry to Greer as a wedding present is SOOOO FUCKED but SOOOOO GOOD; the wedding night scene with the first threesome hell fucking yeah

American Prince--Ash and Embry's first time in the flashback with all the blood and the "you look beautiful in the moonlight"-ing; Embry and Greer's hardcore CNC scene where it begins as like, therapeutic playacting and evolves into it being THEM and one of the central conflicts of the series (Embry and Greer love Ash but are both so devoted to Ash that they also, especially Embry, resent his presence because they need their own space together) and then at the end he sees her in the full light and like gasps in horror because she's covered in bite marks and bruises and she's like :D about it because Greer is a freak; the "blindfold you with a Mt. Rushmore tie and blow you to express my eterrrrnal gratitude scene; the "let's make Greer feel better" kinda fucked up green apple scent threesome; the "Ash is very sads because his first wife died so he shows up in the rain and fucks the shit out of Embry to cope" flashback; Greer thinking that Embry Cheated On The Polycule and being like "WELCOME HOME CHEATER" and asking him if Abilene's pussy is as sweet as hers before he's like "THERE'S NOBODY SWEETER" and drops to his knees to eat her out while she's standing.

He's my faaavorite.

American King: OBVIOUSLY, the "it's a very sad occasion and The Polycule Measure Is Being Threatened So We're Gonna Have A Threesome For Three Chapters" scene, AMAZING, shoutout for Embry being balls deep in Greer and before Ash can put it in being all "I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS OUR RELATIONSHIP AND ITS BOUNDARIES" and Ash being like "are you fucking kidding me" before just forging ahead, one of the funniest things I've Ever read; the Greer/Embry reunion sex where he comes inside her super quick and is like "WHOOPS SORRY" and eats her out immediately after; the "Embry Lost So He Gets Mild CBT" scenes which fr is one of the filthiest things I've EVER READ; the "Ash Lost So He Gets Face Fucked" scene, largely because of "the might Maxen Colchester has a gag reflex" ugh kill me; the "Embry fucks Ash with a dildo in the sex club" flashback; Ash and Embry's Last First, CRYING TEARS.

Writing all that out (and look dude, when I say I reread those scenes a lot, I AM SERIOUS) I realize there isn't a single solo Ash/Greer scene, and it's not that I don't love them, but they have the least FRAUGHT sex scenes so it's less memorable. Like, my favorite Ash/Greer sex scene is in American Queen after he finds out Embry had sex with her first and he's super jealous of both of them (and she doesn't... fully realize that yet) and fucks her being like "AND DID HE DO THIS??? AND THIS?????". It's great love that content.

Salt in the Wound: the scene where Mark takes Isolde's virginity with fingers on and is like "LOOK AT YOU DOING SO GOOD" while she cries and fully realizes that she is a true masochist, 'twas very hot

Salt Kiss: obviously, the entire "deflowering of Tristan" saga lmao, but ESPECIALLY when Mark is like "Tristan I've fucked you like twice in the last hour I'm not gonna fuck you again" and Tristan goes ":(" only for that sentence to end with ".... so instead you get to eat my ass while I sit on your face, LUCKY YOOOOOOU". I also really love the scene in the mini short "Beg Me" where Mark makes Tristan fuck a pocket pussy (while being all "IF I HAD A WIFE I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH YOU FUCK HER AND IT WOULD BE AMAZING AND GREAT", a fact??? Tristan??? Super????? Misses out on???? When it turns out Mark DOES have a future wife????) before he fucks Tristan and continues to talk about how great it would be if there was a wife here lmao; I also reeeeally love the scene where Tristan and Isolde fuck in that yacht chapel thing. SO. GOOD. SUCH. ANGST.

Obviously, I love many scenes from her Bell Brothers series; the altarfucking scene in Priest; the "holy oil as anal lube" scene, also in Priest; the "let's have anal sex for the first time in a convent" scene in Sinner; the "let's pretend I'm a naughty monk and you're tempting me" outdoor blow job in Saint. All great content. Love it. Amazing.

ANYWAY. NON-SIERRA. Sierra is just the queen of sex scenes, I'm sorry.

I looove the scene in Give Me More by Sara Cate where Hunter, Drake, and Isabel finally have sex after Hunter's admitted that he loves Drake in a romantic manner. It's super hot and also weirdly sweet.

Kristen Callihan's Game On series is REAL GOOD in terms of sex scenes. There's a great scene in The Friend Zone where the heroine is like, taking care of the hero because he's typically been a real caregiver in his family. First of all, she greets him wearing a fake jersey that says "nothing's getting past my tight end". He's a tight end, and I personally think that's love. And then she fingers his ass during to climax and he's super grateful about it because nobody has ever done that before and he felt very loved lmao.

Act Your Age by Eve Dangerfield has SEVERAL very good scenes where they're roleplaying stepfather/stepdaughter stuff, but I think the scene that really sticks out to me remains the first scene where they're in the dark and she doesn't know it's him (and he doesn't know that she doesn't know) and she's going down on him and starts calling him "Daddy" and he like. FREEZES lol.

Reckless by Stella Rhys has an amazing scene where the hero and heroine are boss/employee but also best friends, and he's been helping her get through her realization that her fiance cheated, which has caused a lot of sexual tension... And then in his OFFICE one day, he's just like "use me" and BOOM FRIENDSHIP CORRUPTED. There's also a later scene where he has a very bad work call and she like, undoes her top and is all "you may use my tits to help yourself recover from the manpain you're experiencing right now". Like they're his pacifier. I was... about it.

Minx by Sophie Lark has a scene I read like thrice where the heroine is blowing the hero and then begins fingering him and he's like "nooooow I get why women like to be penetrated". There's also a scene I love where she's like "oh no, I'm on my period" and he goes "DON'T CARE". He might even go down on her.

The All the King's Men Duology by Kennedy Ryan--the scene where he gets her off by sticking his head under her sweatshirt and going to town on her nipples while her coworkers are on the other side of the wall; I mean, I hate to continue... to show my hand.... with this lol, but also the scene where she's blowing him and gives him the ol' bonus pleasure (a finger in his ass)

Mercy by Sara Cate--the pegging scene. That is all.

Possession by Adriana Anders has an amazing scene where the hero kidnaps the heroine (with her consent beforehand) and spit roasts her with his ol' buddy ol' pal. There's also a deleted short about them where he brings in like... three other buddies.... and they all go at her at the same time. AMAZING.

Managed by Kristen Callhan--the whole scene where after they have this really passionate sex he pushes his cum back in her

Lead by Kylie Scott--the scene where they're all "it'll be fine if we just get it out of our systems!!!" and he fucks her on a table while she's wearing like, a FUCKIN BOOT FOR HER BROKEN FOOT LMAO (she broke her foot trying to kick down a door dramatically); and the scene where they have emotional missionary sex and kiss for the first time

Deep by Kylie Scott--the hero finds out the heroine, pregnant with their one night stand baby, has been masturbating a lot and is all "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF YOUR NEEDS FROM NOW ON" and fingers her to orgasm lol

Preferential Treatment by Heather Guerre--the scene where they play chess while he's inside her and she's in his lap facing away from him, and if he comes he loses or something lol

Heated Rivalry and The Long Game by Rachel Reid--the scene where Ilya's won player of the year or something so after he drinks vodka while watching Shane finger himself; the "I want to look at you during" sex scene where Ilya uses endearments during and Shane is like "OH NOOOOO HE'S LIKE FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME??? ABORT!!!"; the scene after they actually say I love you. SUCH EMOTIONAL SEX SCENES. Oh wait also the scene where Shane is on the phone with his BFF and Ilya is like "I'm just gonna blow you during carry on".

And in TLG, the "I'm fucking a king in his throne room" scene because sometimes you've just got to fuck the confidence back into someone.

#romance novel blogging #romance novels #book recs #like 50 deranged sex scene recs

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whimsicaldragonette · 1 year

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ARC Review: Painted Devils by Margaret Owen

Preorder Add to Goodreads

Publication Date: May 16, 2023

Synopsis:

Let’s get one thing straight—Vanja Schmidt wasn’t trying to start a cult. After taking down a corrupt margrave, breaking a deadly curse, and finding romance with the vexingly scrupulous Junior Prefect Emeric Conrad, Vanja had one great mystery left: her long-lost birth family… and if they would welcome a thief. But in her search for an honest trade, she hit trouble and invented a god, the Scarlet Maiden, to scam her way out. Now, that lie is growing out of control—especially when Emeric arrives to investigate, and the Scarlet Maiden manifests to claim him as a virgin sacrifice. For his final test to become a prefect, Emeric must determine if Vanja is guilty of serious fraud, or if the Scarlet Maiden—and her claim to him—are genuine. Meanwhile, Vanja is chasing an alternative sacrifice that may be their way out. The hunt leads her not only into the lairs of monsters and the paths of gods, but the ties of her past. And with what should be the simplest way to save Emeric hanging over their heads, he and Vanja must face a more dangerous question: Is there a future for a thief and a prefect, and at what price?

My Rating: ★★★★★

*My Review and Favorite Quotes below the cut.

My Review:

Here we have Vanja being Vanja (ie self-destructive and also accidentally starting a cult because of course she does) and then in comes Emeric being Emeric (annoyed and exasperated at Vanja and said accidental cult) and then things really start to happen.

The writing is just as gorgeous and funny and dark as in the first book. I love it so much!

The story is so compelling, as are the characters. As the threads of story slowly wove together, I remained in awe of Margaret Owen's plotting skills and ability to misdirect. The story is SO beautiful and SO sad. I actually had to stop reading, near the end, because my eyes were so full of tears I couldn't see the words and I had to take a moment and wipe them until I could see again. That doesn't happen often.

I love Vanja and Emeric even more now, and I absolutely cannot wait for the next one.

The twist of who, exactly, the Scarlet Maiden is was brilliantly foreshadowed in a way that made it seem like it came out of nowhere with a gut punch. The identity of the various people Vanja encounters was hidden in plain sight. Everything was constructed so perfectly.

And poor Vanja and Emeric. That ending broke my heart and I did cry. I can't wait for the next book to find out how they fix things. Because they have to fix things. Right?

Margaret Owen has cemented her place as a forever auto-buy author for me and one whose arcs I will absolutely fight for.

*Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan Children's - Henry Holt & Co. for providing an early copy for review.

Favorite Quotes:

She cried like a routed general. She cried like a jilted bride. She cried like a two-year-old who has been told they cannot eat rocks.

---

But you know that feeling? The one where your entire brain melts out through your earholes because your head is on fire, and the rest of your body overcompensates by freezing on the spot, and the only thing left in your skull is a ghost marching in a circle and banging two pots together? That’s about where I’m at.

---

Kirkling’s charcoal stick dangles like a dagger over the throat of her page.

---

I wonder if Kirkling knows exactly what manner of pedantic, punctilious annotated-within-an-inch-if-its-life beast she’s just unleashed. I know without a doubt that she is about to learn.

---

You deserve so much more than the least terrible of your choices.

---

“What did you want to speak to the boy about?” Udo asks in the tonal equivalent of a TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT sign

---

“Yes, Proctor Kirkling,” Emeric says with a forced sort of tranquility, as if the prospect of a daily quiz isn’t the greatest thing that’s happened to him since the invention of the T-square.

---

Four days later, our carriage rolls into Danwik, a town beautiful in a way reserved explicitly for things built on spite.

---

Our eyes meet. In that moment, an unspoken ironclad alliance is forged, and I know we are a united front with the sole objective of haranguing Emeric.

---

“Hence why I was also the first person to teach this lout how to throw a proper punch.” “Which was great,” Emeric says darkly, “until I got stabbed.” Vikram rolls his eyes. “What eleven-year-old hasn’t been stabbed, honestly.”

---

Little thieves tell themselves they take what they need to survive, and sometimes that’s true, and sometimes it’s a lie. Great thieves don’t fool themselves about their motives; they take things because they want them, end of story. The only lie they tell themselves is that there’s no difference between wanting something and deserving it.

---

For most of my life, I’ve held to a theory I call the trinity of want. It states that people are desired for three reasons: power, pleasure, or profit. If you provide three of those, others serve you. Provide two, they see you. One, they use you.

---

Years of pain had smelted her down to a knife, and only now was she relearning to touch others without drawing blood.

---

There’s a thoracic little death-rattle behind me. I’m pretty sure it’s the sound of Emeric’s world crumbling at the fact that he’s pissed off the saint of libraries.

---

“I mean, ‘I summon the powers of the gods through the stars’ is pretty impressive on its own.”

---

I’m starting to suspect Kirkling is one of those people who strongly commits to being a pain in the ass on a day-to-day basis, only to metamorphose into a decent and competent person in a crisis.

#Margaret Owen #Painted Devils #Little Thieves #YA fantasy #netgalley #arc review #shilo reads #macmillan children's #favorites #best books of 2023

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ourquicksilvered · 2 years

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Why I’m No Longer Dating

Not fandom related but I needed to rant/get out my feelings/ have something that reminds me to not date men or let them in anymore. Maybe this will be inspo for future works. *Names are made up but the men and actions aren’t* **trigger warning: someone threatening to unalive themselves**

Howie who became obsessed with me when we started dating, who dumped all his problems on me and never once asked how I felt or how I was doing, who wanted me to not go to my dream school because it would be to far from him and threatened to unalive himself if I broke up with him

Sebastian who flirted with me often, wanted me to come over, introduced me to his friends but then became really mean to me and blamed his mental illness and is now trying to be friends with me -_-

George who I lost my virginity to, who was embarrassed that his friends knew we were sleeping together, even though they all thought I was hot and he didn’t even tell me goodbye when he was leaving the country for good

Fred who stood me up TWICE, called me to come over to his place late at night where he literally fell asleep on me and then made me leave and then had the nerve to contact me years later like we were friends

Frenchie. My first love and first REAL boyfriend. The one who took me to Rome and Bruge. the one who was super thoughtful, cooked for me, was adventurous, made me feel wanted and that I was sexy, the one who told me I was his wife, who really and truly loved me back, who made me tea when I was sick or cold, was proud to show me off to his friends, and always down to hook up whenever/wherever. It was great until he became jealous and accusatory, possessive, didn’t like me being friends with men, started telling me how I should do my hair and nails and what I should wear, compared me to white women and didn’t like my natural hair which he wanted long and straightened, yelled at me until I cried if I didn’t understand something or had trouble focusing when I have adhd, and lastly got so upset with me spending time with my friends fo ONE night instead of being with him that he two hand pushed me against a brick wall.

Niklaus who I went on a date with that followed an amazing hookup who then ghosted me after telling me he didn’t want a relationship with anyone only to start officially dating this blonde haired blue eyed girl weeks later.

Logan who seemed sweet at first but then said the n word in front of me (he was white) and asked if I liked Black OR White men and proceeded to assume that I’ve slept with all of my Black guy friends, also ended up being a trump supporter

Jorgen who I went on a date with in Germany, hooked up with for a few weeks, didn’t want to take me out again, asked me over to his place late one night and wouldn’t even let me stay the night knowing I had a 45 minute commute home and had to walk in the dark in a not so safe area to get to my train.

Malik who I had slumber parties complete with face masks with, who danced with me in the living room, who cooked for me, held my hand in public, took me out to eat and paid…..pressured me to hook up with him when I told him I was afraid to catch feelings and then threw me away when I told him I was gaining feelings and told me he had no use of me cos he had enough friends.

Tobias who I felt a connection with, who after only two days of knowing me spent 100 euros on a 4 hour bus ride to see me again, who made me laugh, held my hand and took me out to eat but knew he was leaving the country for 6 months and was upset when I told him it’s not fair to me to wait on him when we didn’t even know each other that well. And when he got back then became kinda annoying with thinking his country (Denmark) was greater than all others and critiquing other people for not being like the Danes, ended up being judgy of women who showed skin, and his hygiene became bad

Eddie, who had no personality whatsoever, who would not open up, our first “date” was at his office Christmas party, although he was 10 years older I had to initiate everything, he could only go one round when hooking up and then never provided interesting convo.

Pete, who I met on a dating app, that oddly didn’t want to date or anything else that would low key flirt but then jump out of his skin if we accidentally touched, but would hug me goodbye.

Vlad, who ended up being one of those weirdos that was obsessed with black culture and women. Felt entitled to tell me I wasn’t black enough because I didn’t fit the stereotype of what a black woman is supposed to be like. Was also oddly insulted if you ever complimented him.

Florian who I went on a date with, hooked up with but he didn’t want to hang out in public afterwards. Who said that he smoked too but turns out he could only take one hit and then would judge me for being able to finish the entire blunt that I brought and made it seem like I was higher than I was cos he can’t comfortably lay in silence for a few minutes and made it seem like I was a pothead when I only smoke on the weekend. Also stopped talking to me randomly but follows me on IG and looks at ALL my stories

Naveen who thought that just because he was poc as well, he could get away with calling me white because I didn’t fit the stereotype of a black person. Who made fun of what I liked when hooking up just because he couldn’t satisfy me and wouldn’t listen to what I liked. Never took anything seriously at all but would flip a switch and do sweet things like come over and make me breakfast. But also invited me over late at night and had me leave right after in the cold (we lived in northern Germany). Who eventually ghosted ME like I was the problem.

Lastly Joe. This is a guy I met on Hinge. An app specifically for those wanting to date seriously. This is the first man in years I was able to open up to. That I had trips planned with and was so adventurous. He had an actual personality and wasn’t afraid to talk about his feelings and family problems. He met my family. He and I would talk on the phone for hours, the sex was nice the conversations even better. Someone I felt so comfortable around and felt that I could be myself. Turns out he doesn’t want a relationship (because he wants to move again even though he just moved this this area only 6 months ago) and tells me this weeks later and only after I asked him after I noticed him acting strange. Dude has the nerve to tell me he still wants to go on trips and be good friends because he really likes my company. Like no you want all the perks of a relationship without actually being in one.

There are SO many other experiences I could add to this list and while these might not seem horrible, the fact that I haven’t had any positive experiences in years and being told by people that it’s my fault for choosing these men, or that I have to work on myself more, or stop looking when I’ve been single for 6 years drives me crazy and makes me question my self worth sometimes.

#just random musings #fuck men #tmi

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thirdlotusprince3 · 1 month

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Hetalia x Avatar the Last Airbender

Italy, how useless can you be?

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. My grandmother used to tell me stories about the old days, a time of peace when the Avatar kept balance between the Water Tribes, Earth Kingdom, Fire Nation, and Air Nomads. But that all changed when the Axis attacked. The three members of the Axis were Germany, an earth and firebending nation and Japan who was one too and Italy an air and waterbender nation but was also a very useless nation who also really liked pasta. Only the Avatar mastered all four elements. Only he and the Allies could stop the ruthless Axis. But when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years have passed and the Axis is nearing victory in the War. Two years ago, my father and the men of my tribe journeyed to China, an Earth Kingdom to help fight against the Axis, leaving me and my brother to look after our tribe. Some people believe that the Avatar was never reborn into the Air Nomads, and that the cycle is broken. But I haven't lost hope. I still believe that somehow, the Avatar will return, and together with the Allies will save the world.

It was another day; Germany was walking when he found a stick. Then he saw a tomato cart and clacked his stick on it.

“Who are you?! I’ve been hiding in a box of tomatoes.” A mysterious and frantic voice replied.

“There’s nobody inside.”

Germany opened the box.

“AAAaaaah! Please don’t hurt me, I’m still a virgin!” the man cried. It was a man with bright auburn hair and a blue jumpsuit.

“Please I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!” he cried.

“You’re related to Rome right.” Germany asked.

“You know Grandpa Rome! Maybe we can be friends? My name’s Italy.” The man responded.

Then it was the middle of World War II.

Meanwhile Aang was in the middle of nowhere. Katara and Sokka found him in a large circular ice dome in the middle of Canada.

“You should stay with us. The axis might find you.” Katara and Sokka told Aang.

And in another part of the world, Italy was meeting up with the rest of the Axis.

Germany was talking with Japan.

“Italy is just so useless! I don’t know what to do with him, but my boss insisted I work with him.”

“I heard the Avatar has returned, and Prince Zuko is searching for him. Maybe Italy could prove some use and work with Prince Zuko.”

The axis met with Prince Zuko.

“Herro, we have an ar-rye to help you in your search for the Avatar.” Japan told Prince Zuko

“Okay.” Zuko replied.

Italy’s auburn hair and his face peaked out from behind Germany.

Germany moved Italy in front of him.

“Okay buddy, we are searching for the Avatar!” Zuko cried.

“Germany! Japan! What are you doing, leaving me with this scary boy with a scary scar!” Italy cried.

“Prove yourself useful and capture the Avatar with Prince Zuko, then you can return. Catching a group of kids, shouldn’t be too hard.” Germany told Italy.

“Wait! Wait!” Italy cried, Germany and Japan left.

“Okay. Let’s find the Avatar.” Zuko told Italy.

Zuko and Italy hid behind a bush.

“On the count of three we will sneak up on them and capture them.” Zuko told Italy.

“One, two, three!” Zuko cried, he leaped out. He saw Italy was still hiding behind the bush, so he pulled Italy by the collar, for him to join in.

“Avatar, I am here to capture you, and restore my honor.” Zuko declared.

Zuko looked at Italy. He was waving a white flag.

Zuko blasted fire at Team Avatar.

“Veneziano! What are you do-!”

“Go mister boomerang!” Sokka cried, he landed a shot and Zuko passed out.

“Germany! Germany! Don’t hurt me please!” Italy cried.

The avatar gang left.

Italy returned to Germany.

“Germany! Germany! I couldn’t defeat them. They were too scary.”

#hetalia crosssover #hetalia #hetalia fanfiction #aph italy #hws italy #aph germany #hws germany #aph japan #hws japan #aph axis #hws axis

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exploring8709 · 3 months

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Swiping through Tinder tonight, I started wondering if I'm REALLY ready to be out there. I guess this was the point of leaving The Ex (and The Twit for that matter). It's been a year and a bit since, though, and I don't have much to show for this newfound freedom.

It wasn't more commitment that I was looking for. The Ex and I had commitment down to a T. Planning a wedding (and a future) together will pretty much hit that nail on the head. I just felt like I was getting consumed by momentum. Everything felt like I was auto-pilot, ignoring my own yearning to break free and discover more of myself.

And now, commitment is the LAST thing that I'm looking for, as The Twit has proven. The same thing, just a different face, still leaves me triggered.

So I don't think I want to get married (yet), but am I really ready to explore something more . . . casual? The thought excites me as my "experience level" feels lacking for a girl my age. Thinking about my body count, I guess each experience can be thought of as progress, but the distance traveled does not feel rich enough, vivid enough. I've learned something from each of them, but like the related relationship, it was time to move on.

Josh

I lost my virginity to Josh. He was a pretty soccer player that said all of the right things to get me into his bed. He had obviously done this before. It was painful. It was awkward. I cried when it was happening because I was so scared I would do it wrong and he would dump me. It was in his room. I still remember focusing on the Tie Domi poster on his wall as he pushed himself into me. It was hot under his duvet and we were both sweaty. I thought we were in love until 2 weeks later we weren't. It was something I needed to get out of the way, but I was lost for a bit afterwards, feeling a bit used and ashamed.

The Ex

Sex with The Ex was exciting at the outset. We were seniors in high school. And I was in love, for real this time. I'm not going to deny it. We were in love. But High School me was a very different girl from today me. Him being more experienced than me, again made me feel special. Complete. And he was so different from Josh. More of a real person. More of a real relationship. It was like he was walking me through a beautiful garden for the first time, showing me all the things I ever needed to know. He showed me all the positions he knew, and I was wonderstruck. His was the first cock I sucked. The first one I jacked off. I was an eager learner . . . so wanting to please. So hungry to find ways to please him. It was a revelation. But we reached the limit of his knowledge as the years wore on. Our lovemaking, like our relationship, never evolved even as I did. What was once super exotic as a young adult, quickly became rote and obligatory. Like our relationship, sadly.

The Twit

Unfortunately, the story doesn't get any better from here. Although the prize is dubious, The Twit was the only other person I've slept with since high school. It feels so ridiculous typing this. The first after having passed through my lowest point after calling the wedding off. If you don't count Josh, as honestly, that one didn't count, The Twit's was only the second penis I've ever touched. Had in my mouth. Had INSIDE me. It was more of the same. I won't go low and make any size comparisons. He was fine, just the same, which was bad. I long to try something different. Bigger. Smaller. Girthier. Fuck, what does it mean, that as I'm trying to summarize my time with The Twit, I can only think of other cocks I haven't tried? The Twit was more handsy and grabby . . . more aggressive than The Ex, but pretty much of the same ilk. I don't think either of them met an orgasm of their own they didn't like.

That's it. I've slept with three boys in my life. I'm not bothered by this number. If I was stronger, it might have just ended at The Ex. But, if I'm not ready to be married, then what am I ready for? I've never been the chaotic spirit type, although I've always wondered what that would be like.

I'm sure there's more to discover out there, but am I ready to? I must be ovulating because I've been thinking about what it would be like to sleep with different men, but I don't have the energy or the emotional need to try and create something special with each and everyone one of them. I feel like I know what I want in a partner, but I don't yet know what I want in a PARTNER. A sexual partner. A lover. I've spent so much time with boys that I've, for lack of a better term, outgrown, that I've created a gap in my experience that I'm yearning to fill. I've been yearning for physicality.

I remember Amanda quoting this to me:

" I was not a good woman. I had too many other things to do. "

Too many other things to do.

Tinder, what treasures will you yield to me?

#diary #dear diary #confessions #singleinthecity #singlegirl #MBAlife #dayinthelife

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ancestorsofjudah · 6 months

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2 Kings 2: 7-14. "Crossing the Jordan."

It is almost time for Elijah, the Presence of God to depart, but Elisha, the needs of the free market economy, convinces him to go on a pilgrimage and convince the Fortified Cities of Bethel and Jericho to pay homage to him before he goes.

They pause at the Jordan River, a crossing every sage must make if he expects to find Ha Shem, an experience that can take place only after the loss of virginity. Only after the loss of innocene and the subsequent attainment to competency can one expect to find God. The process is likened to the passing of a torch by Elijah to Elisha:

7 Fifty men from the company of the prophets went and stood at a distance, facing the place where Elijah and Elisha had stopped at the Jordan.

8 Elijah took his cloak, rolled it up and struck the water with it. The water divided to the right and to the left, and the two of them crossed over on dry ground.

9 When they had crossed, Elijah said to Elisha, “Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken from you?”

“Let me inherit a double portion of your spirit,” Elisha replied.

10 “You have asked a difficult thing,” Elijah said, “yet if you see me when I am taken from you, it will be yours—otherwise, it will not.”

11 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.

12 Elisha saw this and cried out, “My father! My father! The chariots and horsemen of Israel!” And Elisha saw him no more. Then he took hold of his garment and tore it in two.

13 Elisha then picked up Elijah’s cloak that had fallen from him and went back and stood on the bank of the Jordan.

14 He took the cloak that had fallen from Elijah and struck the water with it. “Where now is the Lord, the God of Elijah?” he asked. When he struck the water, it divided to the right and to the left, and he crossed over.

There are a number of ways to examine the double portion of the soul concept in Judaism. All Jewish souls are one part man, one part Ha Shem. Just as a light bulb that stares into the eye of the sun becomes one with its more powerful radiance, so does the Jew become one with Ha Shem.

In this story, the process of the Realization of Ha Shem is explained through the parting of a river and the tearing of fabric.

A single river can be parted but when the parts rush back together, the river reunites with itself as if there was never a division.

Elijah and Elisha clone this processs from each other in the presence of witnesses, the fifty men, and they too will one day demonstrate Ha and Shem, to other Jewish pilgrims on their way to see God.

The process of unveiling Ha Shem to the naive through transmission is called Olam Ha Ba, "The revelation of the hidden meaning to the everlasting world." Olam Ha Ba is a prerequisite to Mashiach, which will not happen whilst a bunch of neurotic Jews are on the runabout.

There are a number of symbols and metaphors in each verse, within which the Gematria will help explain the ways God wants us to curb our neuroses: 'There are a number of symbols and metaphors in each verse, within which the Gematria will help explain the ways God wants us to curb our neuroses:

v. 7: Fifty men are called himri, "who inhale and exhale the myrrh, the Words of Moses." Now we know you can't schcrew with dirty cox or a dirty box, but so long as the Decrees are honored, God doesn't care much about the rest, except the part about putting a lizard in your gizzard.

The Value in Gematria is 7277, זבז‎‎ז‎, squander. The Hebrew word for squander is bizbuz, "to hate and to show contempt."

To squander because of despiteous feelings is to say no when you should say yes! YES!

"When teenagers can casually dismiss the sexual side of a male/female relationship and claim to be "just friends," it's not a virtue or an accomplishment; it's a sad loss. And what we have lost is our ability to be naturally sexual.

A human being is always a sexual being. What we do with our sexuality depends on who we are, on what we were raised to believe, on how we were taught, and on our society. But we all have one thing in common: Each of us is aware of our own sexuality, unless we stifle that awareness.

A man and a woman alone together is a sexual event—even if nothing else happens. According to Jewish tradition, a man and a woman who are not married to each other, and who are not blood relatives, may not be alone together in a room in which the door is locked.

This applies to every man and to every woman. Moses himself being alone with Sarah, wife of Abraham, would constitute a sexual event."

v. 8: Eliah whips it out, that is what is meant by rolling his cloak up and smacking the water with it, the two men intercourse and they wash it all off. The metaphor of cross pollinating the Spirit of God with the Spirit of the Law must not be lost in this interpretation.

The Dry Ground after intercourse represents the drying up of delusion and any iniquitous behavior, life goes on and is never the same.

The Value in Gematria is 10804, יףד‎, fed, which means Federation. A confederation does not mix spiritual principals with its system of government.

This is the essence of Federation, however, and is demonstrated in the fact the Elijah and Elisha intercourse without rape or any hint of violence. The act is pure just as it must be during according to the Articles of Federation named in the Torah in the First Three Parshiot.

v. 9: The Double Portion means the two men are now joint owners of an estate. We have just witnessed Judaism's second big gay Jewish wedding. Recall male to male intercourses can happen so long as intention and outcome address competency, scarcity or emptiness. The absence of conscience within the law is obviously justification for a good gay scramble.

Intercourse for the purposes of tyranny is always a nyet nyet.

The Value in Gematria is 8605, חו‎אֶפֶסה, hufesa, "he takes his iron like heavy drinking."

hu= he

fe= iron

sa= imbibes heavily

The implication of the taking of iron does not just convey the face value; iron is the substance of a man who can learn, evolve, and remain instrumental in the progression of society his entire life.

v. 10: As for now you see me, now you don't, the Value is 10393, יגטג‎, ytag, "God's Good Prince."

The verb יטב (yatab) means to be or do good (Exodus 1:20), well (Genesis 12:13), glad (Judges 18:20) pleasing (Genesis 34:18), justify or make-good (Proverbs 17:22), or do well (Genesis 4:7). It's used pretty much as an alternative to the verb טוב (tob). Our verb is also part of the familiar formula, "that it may go well with you" (Deuteronomy 4:40, 5:16 and eight more places).

tag= crown

v. 11: Chariots of fire etc. The Chariots and Horses are the suggestion of a military kind of exploit involving the process of Federation, the whirlwind refers to the dramatic conclusion, the euphoria in the mind.

the Value in Gematria is 11872, יאחזב‎, yahzev, "Helps Eve Achieve Symbiosis." = Shabbat.

There is also the case for it alienating Eve from her connection to humanity because of el nino as well. This is why God told Adam and Eve to wait until they were able to handle the responsibility of giving and receiving, emphasizing the importance for resounding humanity concerning one's early sexual acts:

v. 12 : The Value is 7998, זטט‎ח‎, zttah, "this happens with support".

v. 13: The Value is 4626, דובו‎, "his bear". Bears come up in just a minute, but a bear represents "force, endurance, virility." grr.

v. 14: The Value is 1218-9, יביח‎ט, "will choose the smell", which means we are back to the concept of the 50 Myrrh men, himri, and the ablity to inhale the incense and exhale it with ethical conduct.

The discussion alludes to the fact if men demonstrate fondness in their attempts to attain to intimacy, the effect will permeate every relationship, not just those in the Temple but in the Senate and throne room as well.

The process moves top down, from God to His Prophets, to the Kings to the Princes, and then to the subjects who will then supposedly demonstrate the same kinds of open and generous affection openly to each other. In an ideal world, that is.

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vampire7595 · 7 months

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Saw a post on Reddit asking how long love lasts. It won't let me comment but I want to share my thoughts...

How long does love last?

For me it lasted 6 years. It was a whirlwind from the start. I will finally be divorced at the end of the year and it's both happy and sad. We got together in the spring of 2015; my mental health was horrible, I was living under the control of my toxic family and I hated my life. We were long distance at first living hundreds of miles apart in different states. I was 19. We talked every day and we're best friends before he asked me to be his girlfriend. To me he was everything, my first real relationship, my first love, first kiss, the person who took my virginity. We got engaged after a month together and I moved in with him and his family around Christmas that year. Left the only state I ever lived in and where almost all of my family was. My mom passed away shortly after I moved. I was destroyed. He helped me get through it and we got married in fall of 2016, I was 21 years old. In 2018 I got pregnant, we were over the moon and that following year we had a baby girl. My pregnancy was hard. My depression got really bad while pregnant and I started to have anxiety. We argued more and more. 2020 my dad died, and about a month later the word divorce was said for the first time. We recovered and later in 2020 I was pregnant again.

At this point we were always fighting. About parenting, money, things we buy, just anything. I was angry because of my depression and so irritable. We would have full on screaming matches. He didn't seem as excited when I told him I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I had found some things on his computer that were odd to me and he would take my phone while I was sleeping and check my messages. He flirted with other people, and I complained about him to one of my female friends. Still it caught me off guard when he asked for a divorce when I was not even halfway through the pregnancy. A few weeks later he moved out while our daughter and I stayed with his family. I was destroyed emotionally. I was barely holding it together for my daughter and would get so stressed and sad that I spent weeks expecting to have a miscarriage. I cried myself to sleep every single night for over a month straight, I was a shell of my former self.

About a month later he reached out claiming to want to fix things and come home. He did. We were intimate again multiple times and I felt like my life was getting back on track... it lasted about 5 days. He said he couldn't do it. I was devastated, felt betrayed and was mad at myself for being so weak to just fall back into his arms so easily. We slept in separate rooms and barely spoke. When our son was born I thought the love would surge back, it didn't.

Thinking about dating made me feel sick. My sense of who I am and my little self confidence was shattered, "Maybe if I was thinner he would've stayed", "I lost my one chance to have someone love me" and "I wish I could disappear" were thoughts in my head daily. He got a girlfriend that Christmas, I put up a front of being ok but still cried myself to sleep when I would sit and think about my life. 2022 he moved out early in the year, I got a cat to try and heal and I was on all the dating apps. In the fall my ex and I moved into a house together with his girlfriend and our kids.

This whole thing turned me from a hopeless romantic to a cynical person. I hate the idea of love, I will never be married again and any time I try to date I lose interest. Yet, I cry at the idea of dying alone, being lonely, I miss feeling loved. I am in this weird limbo. I feel stuck, I am a completely changed person now. I am a pessimist, I lost most of my sex drive, and I am still a little depressed with bad anxiety. No one will want to date me so there's no sense in even trying.

Love destroyed me as a person and I can't get that deep into depression again, it scared me. In 10 years I went from someone who loved the idea of love, had a strong bond with my mom and had hope for the future; to a single mom of 2, with no living parents, no dating life and barely any friends that I still talk to regularly.

#venting #how long does love last #love #relationships

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owtv · 10 months

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Honesty Hour | Friday, July 14th

attraction and pleasure is temporary but I believe that a true bond will last forever no matter what.

I think back to my first male friend and the ways we were there for each other and helped each other grow without even knowing that's what we were doing. I initially had a crush on him but very soon after realized that we were not compatible that way. a crush is just a lack of information. GOD, being around him FELT EFFORTLESS. it was my first time experiencing friendship with a man who was willing to challenge me to grow, a man who was comfortable being himself around me, and who made me feel present and at peace. God, we were so young and neither of us were perfect but we laughed and laughed and cried together. there were no expectations, we just had fun driving around Long Island with our siblings and church friends and enjoying the little pockets of joy during one of the most tumultuous periods of our lives. we just saw each other. I remember calling him before my first date and feeling so scared. he picked me up and drove me around for a while telling me that I had nothing to be worry about and that if my date didn't go well and didn't work out, it would be his loss. I remember when I lost my virginity and how he had followed my ex on instagram and joked that he was keeping an eye out for me and letting him know I had shooters on my side. I remember how I had to reassure my ex that my friend wouldn't be a problem, that we truly were just friends. I remember how after the dissolution of that brief relationship I tried to hide how disappointed I felt in myself for giving myself to someone who didn't deserve it. he told me that I was stupid to let that man in my life and that he was stupid to play games with me. I remember when he called me crying after his girlfriend cheated on him. he really loved her. I remember hurting for him and crying with him because I also knew he deserved better. I remember how protective he was after I first started dating my most recent ex, who coincidentally was his former coworker. I remember feeling how my ex felt insecure about our friendship. I remember going to the movies with him and watching hustlers, the one with JLo, and how my ex thought I had basically gone on a date with him. it made me think of the time we took a PG nap together, and how he told me that his mom told him to be careful and that she didn't want any trouble with the pastor's daughter. why didn't anyone believe we were just friends?

I fucked up and ruined our connection because I was afraid of being vulnerable and didn't know how to communicate that he had hurt me. I was young and hurt.

I remember reaching out to him after nearly a year of not speaking. I wished him well, apologized for my behavior, and asked for his forgiveness. now THAT was a paragraph. he said "yea we cool nigga" and we picked up from there.

my depression started getting stronger as the weeks went by. I was so wrapped up in my relationship with my most recent ex, working my ass off to pay for school, and trying to push against the crushing stress that college, my job, and my family put me through.

and then the pandemic hit.

I don't wanna think about it right now. I can't possibly cry more than I'm crying right now.

my friend got married and had two babies with his wife during the pandemic. I reached out to him to congratulate him on his marriage and the birth of their children. not too long after, we had the most heartfelt conversation I've had with anyone from my past. I had posted one of those chain stories on my finsta where people asked their followers to share a favorite memory with me. he replied and said "hold on" and then continued to send me a bunch of pics and snapchat videos from times we spent together back in 2017 and 2019. I thanked him for sending me the videos and told him it brought me joy to receive a reminder of that past version of myself. He replied and said that he wasn't sure whether I was referring to that version of myself in a positive or a negative way and admitted that he didn't show affection and appreciation with kindness. he acknowledged that he was hurting (we both were) and he was showing love the only way he knew how. he told me that I was the closest thing to a friend he had, despite the fact that he didn't show it. I always knew. I always do. he told me that the times we shared will always carry a special place in his heart. he told me that he's trying to be a better man and a good example for their children.

I met his wife and their children two years ago and she immediately told me that she's heard so much about me. she's so beautiful and was so kind and sweet. and her birthday is a day after mine! I watched them interact with their toddler with the patience and love I know he never received from his parents.

we acknowledged and accepted that we weren't meant to be close friends forever but that it's all love between us and it always will be. he showed me a version of love I didn't think I had in me. I hope to someday find another friend like him.

#wd #honesty hour #2023 #had this in the drafts and decided to freak it given the perfect timing LOL #here’s to another failed attempt at friendship with a man :|#or a happy accident? hell yeah bob ross #now's not the time to write about it #but all that matters is that I feel at peace #this was my first experience with genuine male friendship and im out here settling for less???? LMFAOO #I really forgot who the fuck I was omfg never again!!

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ketso · 1 year

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Episode 19

I like our new apartment. It's a two-bedroom spacious apartment, but it's fancier than the rooms we used to live in when we were living in Soweto. I can just see that Keith is struggling! He's used to big spaces. He is used to the mansion he stayed in with his wife. He barely enjoyed the three-bedroom simplex we've just moved from. He only drives SUV vehicles. I'd like to console him that our situation is not all that bad. But I honestly cannot relate to his discomfort.

Our bedroom is HUGE. He sleeps on the sleeper couch we have in the room. I sleep with Risuna on the main bed. The other room is Risuna's bedroom and it is full of his toys and things. Keith bought him so many things that we didn’t have space to put a bed in there for him to sleep in.

The TV room is his study, just with the TV.

I've heard him frustrated that he's losing business. Apparently, he used to get most of his clients from his wife's father because he is in government. I guess this is the many ways that his wife will make him pay for their divorce.

"Hey", I greet him as I make my way to the kitchen via the TV room.

"Ey", him.

He looks stressed.

"Ushup?" I ask him.

My son is taking a nap.

"I've lost another client. At this rate, I'm going to have to shut down operations and either start something else or simply get a job", he says.

I go sit next to him.

He's staring at his laptop and he looks like he's about to cry.

"Keith", me.

He looks at me.

"We need to be realistic about our situation. I need to find a job and help you. And I'm prepared to do that. Wandi and her mom say they have work for me at the church and I could earn enough to pay our rent here and get some groceries. You will have to think about getting a job as well. Your business was tied to your marriage and unfortunately, if you are letting go of your marriage, you will need to let go your business. I know you love your business and it's your baby. But there are strings attached... strings you want to cut."

Now he cries.

I pull him into a hug.

"I worked so hard on this company. I haven't been an employee for years. What position am I even going to apply for?" He says through his sobs.

"I don't know, Keith. But you will have to think of something. And maybe, we could get a smaller car - if we even need one at all", I say.

Now he comes out of my arms and stares at me like I'm crazy.

"Can we afford that car?" I ask.

"It's paid up", he says.

"And its maintenance?" Me.

He falls back into my arms and cries again.

"Keith", me.

"I have some savings, Bassie. But I need to move them to your name. That's what my lawyer says. Or else, I'll have to give some to her. We are splitting everything that we've accumulated together in the marriage. So, I'll get quite a good settlement from that. It will be enough to send Risuna to creche for two years minimum. I'll trade the car in for something more economic." He says.

"And I'm going to take the job at the church", me.

He nods his head.

"Keith, we are going to be okay", I say.

"Are we?" Him. He sounds so hopeless.

"Remember when you were in third year in varsity? I was in grade ten at the time. You phoned me and told me your parents hadn't paid for your res and you were on the verge of being kicked out?" Me.

He laughs then says, "Yeah. And you'd come by after school to give me a lunchbox of food because the dining hall didn't let me eat from there anymore."

"Then the day came when you came back from lectures and your room was locked. It wouldn't be unlocked until you paid your fees. You thought the whole world was over", I say.

"Only for me to phone you later. You convinced me to break into a house that was on the market and was being sold", he says.

We both laugh.

"But I brought food and blankets."

Now we look each other in the eye.

"And we made love", he says.

"I lost my virginity that day. And I had no regrets because I was losing it to someone I trusted more than anyone in life and I knew you'd always be in my life." I say.

He looks at me with dreamy eyes.

"Then your mom phoned and said it was sorted. Just like that, the situation came to pass. Just like this one... it's come and it's here now. But it will pass. O tlo bona", I say to distract him from the sex part.

But he unbuttons my shirt.

I look at him.

I climb on top of him.

I rip his shirt open.

We kiss.

He carries me to the floor, thank God for our fluffy carpet.

We stare at each other.

I pull him closer to me.

We finally do the dance!

We are lying on the floor drunk on this moment and the sex that we've just had. We keep stealing looks at each other then laughing. I feel more and more in love with him. I cannot imagine Risuna having a better father. Truly.

"You know, I still have the ten million rands that you and Noria gave me to exit our agreement regarding our baby", I say as we lie on the floor.

"I'm really ashamed of how we treated you. I'm really sorry, Basetsana", he says.

I'm really not interested in this at the moment.

"If you need a financial boost to start something for yourself, we have the capital", I say.

He looks at me, faces his whole body towards me and says, "thank you. Truly, thank you so much, Bassie."

I smile at him, facing my whole body towards him too.

"Maybe I should get a job though. The business was always Noria's baby. I just sat in the CEO chair. But it's not my thing. She just never wanted to date an employee so she "made me." Besides, to open a business would be risky for me. Her family pretty much owns Johannesburg. They will block me and plot my failure before I even start".

He sees how disturbed I am by this.

"But keep it safe and hidden somewhere. We will need it after my divorce is final. She wants everything. I even had to put this apartment in your name so she wouldn't touch it." He says.

I brush his face.

His eyes are so beautiful.

"You have Risuna. And you have me. You are not losing everything", I say.

"You promise that I won't lose you guys?" He sounds so...

I kiss him. He starts touching me all over the place.

"I promise", I say between our kisses.

"So... you and me..." Him.

"So... you and me..." me.

"I want us to be forever. I want us to be together. Like this. Forever." He says.

"I've wanted that since we were teenagers", I say.

"Why didn't you tell me? You could've saved us both a lot of heart break and drama."

"I didn’t know that you wanted it too."

"I did. But I always thought you were too good for me... that you'd find someone better than me and someone who is more deserving of you than me."

"Like who?" Me.

"I don't know", him.

He genuinely sounds sad.

"There's never been anyone, Keith. It's always been you. Always. I'd pray for you. I'd pray about you. I'd always blush when people called me your girlfriend. I'd get butterflies in my stomach every time someone would say that you and I would get married. Then you left... and you chose her... and you cut me off... you really hurt me."

"I'm sorry. I wish I knew."

"Knew what?"

"That you loved me so much."

"You did know. I never hid it from you. How else do you explain me giving you a baby? I'd never do that for anyone else."

He kisses me, climbing on top of me again. I smile at him.

"I love you. I always have and I always will", he tells me.

I smile.

We have another steamy session of love making.

...

I'm having lunch with my lawyer. We've just come back from court and my divorce is finalized. Bassie is at work. I texted her and told her how it went. She phoned me and we chatted for a bit. Noria took everything. EVERYTHING. Bassie told me not to fight it. She told me that Noria would want to make things difficult, so I must just agree to everything. We will be okay. So, I let her take everything. I couldn't even afford to pay my lawyer or for this lunch. Fortunately, I have Bassie's card with the ten million rands that Noria sent to her to stay out of our lives. Bassie gave it to me this morning and told me to use it how I see fit. I paid my lawyer fees and I'm paying for this lunch.

I haven't spoken to my brothers in a minute. I know I'm going to need to do so soon because I need a job. They are connected and hopefully they can make a plan for me. Noria and her family black-balled me across South Africa. And I don't feel great living off Bassie. She makes good money at the church and she says she doesn't mind. But I'm not for this at all. That Senzi guy offered me a job at that church. I need to understand what kind of church this is. They are offering me a very healthy salary. How do they make that kind of money off tithing?

Bassie says that I should take the job. It's a finance role. Bassie is the receptionist at this place and our son attends creche there. Even the creche is fancy.

After the lunch with my lawyer, I head into my car. I take one last long drive in my Jeep. At around 3pm, I drive to Audi. I do the one thing that I've been dreading this whole time. I have to let my car go and get something affordable. After negotiations and chatting, I'm able to buy Bassie an Audi A1 four-door vehicle. Then I get myself the A4. It's one hell of a downgrade, but you know what, this is not permanent. This is a promise that I'm making to my son, to my girlfriend and to myself. This WILL pass. This is not the end for me. It's not. I'll start off by taking the job that Senzi is offering me. Then I'll work my way to doing my own thing again. But we need to get a bigger place. That two bedroom that Bassie, my son and I are stuck in is driving me crazy.

6pm.

Bassie and Risuna just got home.

"Hey", she says.

I kiss her, take her bags and Risuna from her then I greet her back.

"You alright?" She asks me.

"Yeah, I'm good. How are you? How was your day?" I ask her.

"It was okay. I'm just tired and my feet hurt." I say.

"Well, I've cooked dinner. So, I can give you a foot massage before we eat", I say.

She smiles at me.

"But I want to show you something first", I say.

"Okay", she says, giggling as if she doesn't trust me.

I hold her hand and pull her to outside where I've parked her car.

She screams and runs around the car. My son is screaming too, but I doubt he knows what he's screaming for. I'm just laughing at her reaction. It's the highlight of my day actually.

Now she jumps up and down then hugs me.

I show her my A4 as well. She says it's nice but is not as excited as seeing her car. Trading in the Jeep definitely feels worth it.

I'm rubbing her feet now. She says she doesn't feel hungry. Risuna is on her boob minding his own business.

"Are you okay? You know... after today?" She asks me.

"I'm relieved. It was just ugly. She left me with nothing." I say.

"You have us. We will build again. Together. We don't want her things to be our foundation", she says.

"I feel like I'm failing you guys. I feel like I'm not providing for you and Risuna", I tell her.

“Look Keith, I don’t know what kind of relationship you had with Noria. But I believe that providing for this family is my responsibility as much as it is your responsibility. And this is life. Everything is seasonal and nothing is forever. Sometimes, it will fall on me to look after us. Sometimes, it will fall on you. The important thing is that we have a common goal. That goal is success for our family. So, I’m not in your life to change you, put pressure on you, drive you to suicide or be your first born responsibility. I’m your partner. You come to me as much as I come to you. We put our heads together and we figure it out. That’s it.”

I actually get emotional.

She smiles at me.

“We are going to be fine. We don’t need mansions and cars with names I cannot pronounce to be okay. We could live in a shack and it would still be home for me. As long as I have you and our son”, she says.

“You mean that?”

“I do”.

Wow!

I lean in and kiss her.

The little man slaps me.

Oh, I’m interfering with his boob time.

“Sorry”, I say to him.

Bassie laughs at us.

“I spoke to Senzi. I’ll be taking the job.” I tell her.

“Congratulations!” She says.

I smile at her.

“See? We are going to be great”, she says.

“Yeah. But we need to get out of here. This place is too small.” I say.

“Oh Keith… you and big assets. Big house. Big car. Big career with a big title”. She says and laughs.

I giggle.

“Have you seen a place you like?” She asks me.

“There are four-bedroom duplexes that are not too far from here. And they are affordable. If we buy it cash, it will be about R2.5million.” I say.

She gives me a blank stare.

“What?” I ask her.

“You just spent R1.8 million paying your lawyer. Now you want to spend that kind of money on a place to stay. Keith, we need a rainy-day fund and some money to put away for Risuna’s education. We can’t just blow through that money and have no other plan outside of our jobs”. She says.

“I know. We will put R5 million away. We will even take it to a bank and put in a trust for Risuna. But we can use some of it to just start ourselves out. Then we can invest a bit of it as well, so we have something else tied to our assets.”

She shakes her head at me.

“Bassie -

“You are not married to Noria anymore. Money doesn’t just flow in here like milk and honey. You need to be less reckless on your spending or we will find ourselves broke or without savings.” She aggressively says. She even removes her feet off my lap. She’s pissed.

Ja… I need this job. We can’t fight about money like this. And I’m not prepared to live in a two-bedroom flat for too long.

It’s my first day at work today. Bassie is kind of still not talking to me. I’m getting ready for work. I can hear her fight with Risuna as well. I think she’s trying to feed him and he’s just trying to sleep.

She comes into the bedroom, looks at me, then finishes up getting ready.

“I’m sorry, Basetsana. I agree with you. We should spend more responsibly”, I say.

She takes a deep breath then says, “I’m also sorry. I didn’t have to speak to you that way or bring Noria up in an argument.”

“It’s okay. It’s a reality that I needed to hear.”

She nods her head then says, “You look nice. And you smell nice. Those church girls will be all over you.”

I laugh and say, “Well, I’m taken.”

“Do you think they care? That’s just motivation for them to just come on stronger. And rumour has it - by all the men they’ve been with at the church - that they are freaks”. She says.

I’m honestly in stitches. I can’t believe she’s jealous. But she’s cute.

“Are they bigger freaks than you?” Me.

Now she blushes.

I laugh at her. She giggles.

“Just promise me that I won’t lose you to them.” She says.

“You won’t lose me to anyone. I promise”, I tell her. Then I kiss her.

“We can get that place you were talking about”, she says.

“Really?” I’m actually shocked.

“Yeah. Risuna is growing up and he needs to get out of our bed soon. I doubt either three of us want to end up sleeping in the TV room. We do need the space”, she says.

I smile at her.

“But no luxury spending for the next few years. Please”, she says.

I kiss her. She’s the best!

We drive in one car to work. We are all headed to one place anyway. We first drop the little man off at school, then we head to the office.

Bassie settles at her desk at reception. Senzi meets me downstairs then he shows me to my office. Yep, I have an office. A very nice office. This place looks nothing like a church, a church business or a church building. It’s very far from being humble.

I meet a group of guys who I’m now learning are Sbu, NTK, Jake and Miles. They are actually funny.

“So around here, we either chill in Senzi’s office or Miles’ office. Now that we got you in an office too, we chill in yours too. The rest of us sit in an open plan”, one of the guys say.

“You just had to be the coffee that these women like, didn’t you? Strong, dark and handsome… and fucken tall. As our chances decrease!” Another says and we all laugh.

This is actually nice. When I was a CEO, no one interacted with me like this. I’d be jealous of these kinds of conversations when I’d walk past them. And when I walked passed them, people would just be quiet.

“We hear you are in there with Bassie? How did you do it? That girl gives no one a chance and she isn’t even nice about it”, this one is probably going to annoy me the most.

“Bassie is the mother of his child. So shut up”, Senzi.

“Is she a crazy baby-mama?” The annoying one.

“She’s my woman. And maybe we can start talking about her with some respect around here”, I’m not even laughing as I say this. They all see that I’m not joking about this.

They all actually leave my office.

Good!

“Mr N”, I hear a female voice say to me.

Who’s this?

“Yes?”

“I’m Charity. I’m the assistant choir lead”, she says.

That’s actually a job around here? I wonder what her payslip looks like.

“Okay”, me.

“I thought I’d come say hi. Maybe show you around if you have some time?” She says.

This is probably one of those church girls that Bassie warned me about.

“No thanks. My girlfriend, Bassie, will show me around when she and I get a minute.” I say.

She seems disappointed.

“Bassie? As in the receptionist?” She says with disgust.

“Yes”, I say.

She just stares at me. What kind of working place is this?!

She storms out of my office and slams the door. It’s glass by the way. Ja neh, I need a reminder that I’m here for my family. So, the first thing I put on my desk is a digital frame that slide shows my girlfriend, my son, my mother, my brothers, my nieces and my nephews.

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emptysighs66x · 2 years

Text

I haven’t been active on tumblr the past few days, but I’m going to talk about something that happened yesterday. Throwing it all under a “read more” though because slight content warning, I’m going to be discussing my previous relationship. I doubt anyone here remembers my previous relationship at this point, but there’s some things that I need to get off my chest. Trigger warning, that relationship ended on a sour note for one, and for two, it was the main cause of my PTSD diagnosis due to physical and mental abuse. If those kinds of things aren’t your cup of tea, I’d advise not reading the rest of this.

I think I broke him in a same sense that he broke me.

Before I explain that, I have to explain a lot of the story. Back in 2012, I met my previous boyfriend during my high school biology class when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. The strange thing about that biology class was the amount of relationships that came out of it because out of twenty-three students, at least seventeen of them dated each other at some point (yes, that’s an odd number because my ex dated another girl in that class before me). He and I didn’t get together until after that semester was over, and we were together for a little over four years.

The first year was great because we were just basically learning who the other person was. That year I had my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and it was my first year of high school. We sort of understood each other to a point because we were both shy, awkward, and mainly kept to ourselves.

The second year was rougher as time moved on because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was trying to deal with that. He didn’t seem to understand my issues and I tried my best to explain them to him, but it just wasn’t all there. I tried to end the relationship then because I didn’t like his reaction to me dealing with all of it, but he cried and cried on the phone and I took him back. Back then, I didn’t know what gaslighting was. Now I recognize that, that was the first instance of it.

The third year was the year he graduated high school. It’s also the year that the physical abuse began. To him, I couldn’t do anything right and he made sure that I knew it. He told me I’d never find anyone better than him. He started degrading my self worth and honestly, it seemed like he thought so low of me. I believed every word he said and that’s why I didn’t try to leave then. When he went off to work that year, he texted me nonstop while I was in class to make sure that I was where I said I was even though I couldn’t drive and he got insanely possessive of me. It was also around that time that we lost our virginity to each other and then didn’t have sex for another eight months afterwards. He also laid his hands on me more than once.

The fourth year is when I broke. Not long after our three year anniversary, I graduated high school. I got my license, my first job, and I turned eighteen. I started college and worked at the same time while he just worked. I started spending the night with him and his mom and it got to a point where if we were intimate with each other, my needs weren’t getting fulfilled. I got fed up with it, and I started running my spicy blog on tumblr because all these men were giving me attention. That later led into me cheating on him multiple times with the same person, but I was so broken down that I didn’t see the error in my ways then.

The last two weeks of my relationship were the worst two weeks of my life to this day. It started with a fight between my stepmother and I that resulted in me staying with the ex and his mom for two weeks. He and I shared a small queen sized bed in his childhood bedroom that was packed to the brim with furniture, and in those two weeks he punched me in the face, covered my neck in hickies to show that I belonged to someone, almost broke my nose kicking me face first into a wall, and I died inside. I was so numb that every time he hit me, I hit back. Every time he got in my face, I was right there with him. Every time he shoved me, I tried with all my might to knock him over with the same amount of force. We were at each other’s throats.

Then I met Kevin. Kevin and I went on our first date the night after we met. I spent the entire date with my phone on silent trying to ignore my ex trying to call me asking when I was coming home. The next night, I spent the night with Kevin and lied to my ex saying that I was staying at my mom’s. That same night, I also had sex with Kevin for the first time; I had known him for three days. That night with Kevin was the final nail in the coffin of my previous relationship.

I called my ex’s mom during my lunch break at work the next day and I told her everything that had been happening between the two of us. The only details I omitted was my infidelity to her son. She told me she didn’t understand why he was treating me that way because he wasn’t raised like that and when his father had passed, he was too young to remember his father laying his hands on her. I told her that I was going to break up with him and to be prepared for the fallout because I didn’t know how he was going to react. That night when I got home, she played mediator while I told him that I was going back home the next day. His reaction was him punching his bedroom floor which proceeded to sprain his wrist and break three of his fingers. I stayed there that night so that he would calm down, and he asked me to marry him then; I told him no.

The next day, I moved my clothes that I had brought with me back to my dads. I met up with Kevin for dinner, and during my drive home that night, I knew I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. On my way home, I pulled over on the side of the road and I called my ex, and I told him that we were over and that I couldn’t do it anymore. He cried again, and this time, I put my foot down that I was through, that I was broken, and I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me any longer.

That was the end of our relationship, but it wasn’t the end of his abuse. Kevin and I were together for a few weeks, but separated due to a very long story, my ex showed up at my workplace and followed me around like a lost puppy for over two hours. He was banned from my workplace after that. When Kevin and I got back together, he sent me threatening text messages saying that Kevin and I were fucked up, that he never liked any of my friends because they couldn’t decide which gender they were (because a few of my friends are trans), and also had the girl he was dating immediately after me threaten me. I told them they were perfect for each other because of that. A month later, I found a new job and he backed me into a corner while I was outside smoking a cigarette and asked me questions about my life; he was then banned from that workplace for the entirety of the three years that I worked there. That night, he also sent friend requests to the friends that he “never liked” trying to figure out details about my life.

My last interaction with him was him texting me, telling me that I was the abuser. That I was the one who hurt him because I cheated on him. That I was the one who was possessive and controlling, and that I was gaslighting him. My final text, I called him a narcissist, told him to go to hell, and that I never wanted to speak with him again.

He then slandered my name throughout our hometown and I felt alienated. It led to me eventually moving over an hour away and only returning to family events mainly, but the rumors were so bad that my dad heard about it at work and my sister heard about it at her high school. He turned me into the monster and I didn’t even have a chance to defend myself. I never went after him unprovoked; he always started the fights and I was defending myself every time.

I’ve seen him in public a handful of times since then, but he probably doesn’t recognize me. I no longer work in cities that he frequents so I don’t worry about it much anymore and it’s been five years. I was diagnosed with PTSD not long before my 20th birthday, and even though Kevin has never raised a hand to me, I live some days in fear that one day he’ll turn around be just like my ex.

But now that I’ve told the story, let’s go back to why I wrote the post. As I said, it’s been five years. Yesterday, he showed up in my friend recommendations on facebook, and while for a long time I couldn’t stand to even look at his face (honestly still can’t some days), but I looked at his profile out of curiosity.

He just turned 25, I’m about to be 24 and in all honesty, if I hadn’t of known his age, I would have pegged him to be 30+. He really let himself go in recent years, gained some weight, just looks absolutely rough. He’s single, dated a girl for a couple of years that had a kid (which worried me thinking about how he treated me), but they’re no longer together. He still apparently lives in our hometown, but whether or not he still lives with his mother is up to question. Joined the army, which good for him I guess. Based off his pictures and how rough he looks, I’d say karma is one hell of a bitch though.

I, on the other hand, work a full time job. Kevin and I have been dating for the past five years. We’re planning on having our first child hopefully in the near future, but for now we have five cats. We have a house of our own that we pay for. While I spend a lot of days battling my mess of mental illnesses though, I feel like I’ve gotten more attractive over time. In my personal life, with Kevin’s permission, I started using my spicy tumblr blog again, I also run an OF page that has been doing fairly well. Kevin gave me freedom to express myself more and do things that I enjoy; I don’t particularly need the attention like I used to, but I still appreciate him letting express myself however I see fit in that regard.

I just look back and I know how toxic that relationship was in my life and honestly, I wish some days I could go back to not having to worry about dealing with flashbacks or episodes or nightmares in regards to that relationship. I miss who I was before, but seeing who he is now and who I am now, I think we may have left a lasting impact on each other somewhere down the line. I used our issues to better myself and to not let myself be walked all over by another man. He joined the military, but basically let himself go; he doesn’t try to keep up appearances like he used to.

Maybe he changed and doesn’t treat women like crap anymore, who knows. All I know is that I hope he never treats someone in that same regard ever again. I hope me leaving him in the manner that I did taught him a lesson at the very least, but I’m a lot happier with Kevin now than I ever was with my ex.

#mind of kayla vi #relationships #abusive relationships #history #a whole lotta words #talking about my past #tw abusive relationship #tw abuse #tw mental illness

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moved2usagiiboo · 3 years

Text

Love spell

MINORS DNI (I know I can not stop you but if I find out, you will be blocked.) This is my first time writing a fan fiction on Tumblr, let's see how this goes !

Warnings: Degrading, face fucking, explicit description, oral male receiving, sexual acts using toys. (Let me know if I missed any)

As a young girl, you believed in finding your prince charming, he'd swoop in on his mighty steed and steal your heart. You'd be enamored by his wits and courage, and he your beauty and intelligence. "The one".

At the age of 17, a high school student obsessed with the idea of traditional love. You found him. Your one and only, but he was far from prince charming, he didn't ride a mighty steed nor own a castle, but he was yours and you love him. Your highschool sweetheart, you both have cried together, laughed together, experienced many emotions together. You, in many ways, were each other's firsts.

First break down, first date, first hand holding, first kiss, first lover, and after a year of dating, you were each others' first time.

You could still remember the night, you have both been planning this for months. On your one year anniversary, you would get a room for the night at a local love hotel, there would be soft music playing, dimmed lights, candles burning, and that's where and how he take your virginity and you his. Perfect.

It didn't go that way to say the least, being very inexperienced. The first time he tried to penetrate you, you pushed him off and hide under the blanket saying, "that's not going to fit", during foreplay you accidentally hit his head with your own, not to mention almost setting the room on fire with the lit candles. But after many laughs and giggles, you successfully lost your virginity to him and you couldn't be happier.

It was far from movie perfect but for both you and him it was everything and more.

Present day you are almost two years into your relationship and you both couldn't be happier. Draken treated you with the utmost respect and care, he always takes care of you, there's barely any arguments between the two of you. Everything is perfect. Kind of.

That's how you found yourself in the streets of Shibuya's red light district, near the brothel where your lover grew up in, so you think. You looked down at your phone.

"Shit!" You hit the side of your phone as it read "connection lost, rerouting", this had been the third time it has done this, you zoned out while trying to fix your phone so you can actually make it to your destination before it gets too late. You didn't hear the woman calling your name.

"Y/N!" You felt a hand gripping your shoulder, spinning you around to face them.

"Oh! Akai!" You exclaimed happily as you locked eyes with the person in front of you, a younger woman in a red silk dress, short blonde hair with long lashes.

"What are you doing out here? It's late. Shouldn't you be home by now?" She asked in a concerned tone looking you up and down. You wore an all black hoodie with baby yellow accents, along with black joggers.

"Oh, well, I'm was looking for you." You said bashfully with a slight giggle in your tone.

"Oh?" Akai questioned.

"Well, not you specifically but the hotel! You see, I got lost trying to find it and my stupid phone keeps rerouting me!" You complained, while pushing your phone in her face to show her your problem. She simply laughs, she locks arms with yours.

"Dont worry, big sister Akai will take you there, then you can explain why you're looking for us in the first place." Akai said with a wink.

A few minutes passed and you've arrived at the brothel, she brought you a drink and sat you down in her room with a couple of other girls, you all on the floor together, after short introductions and small talk Akai 'cut to the chase' as she likes to say. Chugging her bottle of beer, she looked at you with her slightly flushed face, along with the rest of the girls there.

"Spill the beans, whats going on? Trouble in paradise?" Akai smirked crawling her way towards you. You lifted your knees to your chest wondering if you should even be here, was this a stupid idea? You must've sat with your thoughts for a while, Akai looked at you with a bit of sadness in her eyes.

You could feel your face heating up with embarrassment, your heart was beating out of your chest. You figured this would be the best place to go to learn how to do it but what if they would make fun of you? What if they tell Draken? You really didn't think this through as well as you should have.

"Hey, whatever is going on.. You can tell us, we see you like our little sister ya' know?" She says with a smile, wrapping her arm around your shoulder to comfort you. Shes always been like this, ever since she walked in on you and Draken kissing, she's been the biggest help and supporter of your relationship. You couldn't ask for a better friend.

With a deep breath you decide tell them your issues, you were here anyways.

"Okay, so, I want to learn how to give oral." You said looking down at the ground fiddling your fingers, quite embarrassed about what you just said.

"Draken has, well, done it to me a couple of times and I wanted to return the favor. The thing is, everytime I try he rejects me. Telling me, 'i don't have to do things like that'. He's so considerate sometimes it pisses me off." You ranges to the girls as they listened with opening ears.

"I mean, what type of guy rejects a blow job? It's not like he has erectile dysfunction or his dick is small. I just don't get it." You were practically fuming at the memory of him pushing him off of you as you tried to suck him off.

"Maybe he's just shy?" One of the girl's offered her opinion.

"Oh no, this man is not shy! At all" You explained remembering some of the down right filthiest things he's muttered in your ears during your time together. "He's anything but that."

"Maybe he's scared you'll bite it." Akai said causing herself and others to snicker at her comment. You could only sigh.

"Would I be that bad my first time?" You muttered to yourself.

"Everybody is, it's a practice thing." Akai explained, she got up to grab herself another bottle of beer. "What you need, is practice." She smirked handing you the bottle.

"Yeah, but how? He won't let me." You said tilting your head at her statement, taking the bottle out her hand.

"Alright girlies, get out." Akai said while looking at the other women in the room with the two of you.

"Ehhh? Whyy? We wanna help too!" One of the girl exclaimed, getting multiple replies of other girls who agree.

"We don't wanna make Y/n feel any more embarrassed than she already does." Also sighed at the childish responses of her coworkers.

You were hiding your face in your phone at this point, it was honestly one of your worst ideas, but if it helped you with Draken it was worth it.

Small "awh man", "I wanted to hear more", and other complaints came out their mouths as they left the room one by one. You waves goodbye to the girls muttering a small thank you to them for listening.

"Alright!" Akai exclaimed while squatting down to reach under her bed, pulling out a box full of,

"Toys! The best practice you can get in such a small amount of time." She smirked pushing the box towards you. You could feel the blood rush to your face as you stared at the box filled with sex toys, you're far from innocent but there's still things you've never used or seen before, toys being one of them. Akai dug in the box full of excitement.

"I'll be your first!" She smirked, she pulled out multiple many toys just throwing them out the box without a care as to where they'll land. Finally, she pulled out an unopened box, "private fun" read the lable, it was all black with dark purple letters on it, it was a sleek box, very fancy to say the least.

"I haven't used this one yet, considering I never feel the need to. This'll be my first gift to you." She said tossing the box to you while looking for something else in her closet.

"Just what exactly is this?" You asked picking up the box to further examine it.

"A dildo! Duh." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world,

"Oh! And this!" She threw a small bottle towards you, "Love spell" a small pink bottle that could be mistaken for a 5-hour energy drink.

"Draken won't be back home for a while, which means, we have around" She looked at the clock hanging on her wall, "an hour and thirty minutes. Which is just enough time!"

"Wait wait wait!" You looked at her with complete confusion, "I have no idea what's going on! Why do I need all of this?" You looked at your hand and the items that are now in your possession, "Love spell", a dildo, and beer.

"Welllllll," Akai said drawing out the word, "You need practice, not like you can fuck a rando before Draken gets back, you also need liquid courage and a secret weapon!" She explained. "Now we don't have much time, chug both the beer and our secret weapon." She winked at you.

You're really starting to reject your decision, but there's no backing out now. You opened the bottle of whatever was in the pink container and chugged it down, quickly opening the beer to help with the bitter taste of the first liquid. It could show on your face the level of disgust you had for drinking this, you could never understand how Draken drank beer all the time, and whatever the hell this 'love spell' is taste disgusting. It was bitter and tangy, it even overpowered the beer.

Akai worked on opening the package to the dildo, while you were dealing with the taste of the liquids you just drank. She looked at you with menacing eyes and a devious smile that sent shivers down your spine.

She stood up and squatted in front of you holding that item in her hand as if it was nothing. Your eyes widened at the sight of it, it was big, yet flimsy. It was a pretty light blue color for such a naughty item.

"Take it." She handed you the dildo, "grip it with both hands." And so you did it. Following her every command.

"N-Now what?" You questioned feeling slight tipsy from the bottle of beer you just chugged, your face flushed from either holding a dildo or the beer, you couldn't tell, but it made this whole situation a lot worse for your lower region.

"Open." Akai tapped the bottom of your chin telling you to open your mouth, and so you did with the most innocent look in your eyes.

"Slowly bring it to your mouth, you want to tease him, lick the tip." You stuck your tongue out making small swirls onto the tip of the fake cock, "Alright, now slowly take it in, don't force anything." You opened your mouth wider to take in the inches of the cock, bringing it to the back of your throat causing you to choke and gag as it hit it. You quickly pulled the fake dick out and began to cough.

"I told you slowly. Let's try again." She squished your face with a hand pulling it up, the other held onto the dildo. "Open." She said again and you did. She guided the dildo into your mouth, slowly moving it in and out, barley reaching the back of your throat. "Breathe through your nose, don't panic." She said as she began to pick up the pace. Rapidly moving the dildo in and out. "Use your tongue at the bottom of it, stick it out." She commanded. Spit began to drip from the side of your mouth onto the floor, you felt as if you were losing yourself. Tears welled in your eyes as you swallowed down the dildo. It wasnt even real, it wasn't even Draken's but for some reason it made your head pound and your pussy twitch with excitement. If this feels as good as it does, you couldn't help but wonder how Draken's would feel, how it would feel against the back of your throat.

Akai picked up on the pace making the dildo hit the back of your throat causing you to convulse onto the dildo, you close an eye and winces as it attacked your throat.

"Try it yourself." She said letting go, letting you have full control. You started slow, pushing the dildo in and out your mouth as she did, trying to follow her lead. You tried to take more of it, you shoved the dildo deep into your throat, forcing all the inches into your mouth, you could feel it bulge through your throat as held it in place forcing you to choke on it. You felt your warm tears drip down your face, you weren't letting up. You wanted to feel it down your throat, the warm, the tightness, you wanted to feel Draken. You finally pulled it out, watching as the inches slipped out of your mouth.

"Guess what bottle really did wonders!" Akai giggled. "Deepthroating huh? You're basically a pro." You looked at her with a stained face, drool down the side of your mouth, and glassy eyes. You finally felt the embarrassment hit you, you covered your face dropping the dildo onto the ground making incoherent noises.

"I think you're ready." She smirked patting your head watching you in distress.

"I am?" You questioned, it was that easy?

"Yep! Actually, take this." She tossed you one last thing before telling you to go wait in his room. As you walked to his room you felt your head ring, the only thing you could hear was the needy throbbing of your inner walls. You couldn't wait for Draken to get back, just what did Akai give you? You had no time to be embarrassed about what you just did in the other room, you just wanted him. All of him.

You found yourself in his barley lit room, sitting on his bed. It was him, his scent, you could feel him around you even if he wasn't physically present. Your inner walls clenched at the thought of your boyfriend. You changed out of your clothes and into what Akai gave you, it was a sleek princess pink teddy with a deep V neck to perfectly show off your breasts. There were straps in the back that cupped your ass making it look juicier than before. There was a deep slit in the middle of the dress, a small move and not only would your stomach be revealed but your pussy would be as well. You made your way over to his bed to wait, you sat down and got engulfed in his smell. It was painful to just wait, the way your panties got wetter by the second, you decided to lay down but it only got worse. Minutes passed by but it felt like hours, you wanted to call him and tell him to hurry but you already showed up unannounced. You didn't want to pester him anymore, so you waited. You don't know when but you found your walls squeezing your fingers tightly as you moved them in and out. Moans and a wet sound filled the room as you toyed with yourself. Your face was in his pillow breathing him in as your other hand was toying with your breasts, pinching, squeezing, and pulling your nipples. It felt good but not good enough, it couldn't bring you to that high that Draken could. You found yourself calling him out, chanting his him like a mantra underneath your moans. You didn't even notice when he came in the room.

"Y/N?" Draken called out as he closed the door. The look on his face was priceless, his gaping mouth and widened eyes as he looked at the sight of you being so desperate for him calling out his name with fingers inside your cunt.

"D-Draken, m'sorry, couldnt wait. Need you." You whined. Pushing your fingers deeper making your back arch. At this point, he was stunned. The shy girl who never seeked anything sexual, the same girl who blushes when they held hands even after being together all the time. That girl was fingering herself on his bed begging for his cock. It was an instant turn on.

"S'all your fault!" You cried out with tears in your eyes, you got up and looked him in the eyes. "All cause you won't let me touch you..." You pouted.

"Ha? What are you talking about?" Draken questioned you. You weren't paying attention to him, you crawled from the bed stepping on the cold floor with your bare feet. You got on your hands and knees in front of Draken, looking at him with the utmost admiration, but behind those eyes was a look of neediness.

"W-What are you doing?" He watched as you played with his belt buckle, you locked eyes with him once more,

"Can't I?" You asked, kissing the bulge through his pants, "Want you, wanna feel you in my throat." You pulled his pants down revealing his boxers, you rubbed your hand feeling the hardness through the fabric, placing small kisses on it while you you waited for a go, a sign, anything.

"Shit Y/n, who knew you could be so slutty hm?" Draken smirked, "Go ahead." You beamed a smile at him as you pulled his boxers down revealing his harden cock. This is the first time you've seen it up close, it's pretty. It almost looks angry with how flushed it is on the top.

You began to kiss his freed cock, starting from the shaft up, remembering what Akai taught you. Tease him. Littering his cock with kisses, you reached the tip, you began to leave small kitten licks, swirling your tongue on around the tip, prodding the tip of your tongue into the small hole on his cock.

"Shit," Draken muttered under his breath, his voice sounds as if it's gotten deeper. You look up at him to see his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes completely focused on you. "Stop with the teasing." He demanded.

"Don't wanna." You continued to look at him, staring into his gorgeous orbs, "s'punishment for not letting me do this early" You smirked against his dick, bringing one of your hands up to slowly move your hand up and down his shaft. You watched as his breath started to break, his tough exterior was crumbling and it was all because of you, but it wasn't enough, you want to keep going. You have a show to put on.

You open your mouth sucking on just the tip of his cock, bobbing your head slowly with swirling his tip in your mouth.

"Y/N, fuck." He places his hand behind your head as his breath began to get more rapid and broken apart. "Come on, take some more." He was practically begging at this point. So slowly but surely, you widened your mouth, stuck your tongue out, and pushed your head further down to his cock. As much as you could take, the remainder you began to jerk with your hand. Bobbing your head on the inches you could take up and down with jerking him off. Listening to his soft grunts and groans. He was big, you knew this but it's different with it's in your throat, you can see it, your mouth felt full and you didn't even completely take it in. You kept going on this pace, proud of yourself for breaking Draken's tough exterior.

"Going to damn slow." He gripped the back of your head forcing his cock down your throat, you gag at this sudden action. He uses your mouth like a rag doll, forcing his cock in and out your mouth and a hellish pace without stopping, bobbing your head up and down. It hurts, taking all of him.

"Wanna be a dirty slut, gonna treat you like one." He said while gripping your hair harder as he pulled you off his cock, "spit on it." He said, and you did, you spat on the shaft of his cock and opened your mouth again for him to assault your throat.

"So eager to take this dick hm? Couldn't even wait for me to get home, had to play with yourself while I was gone? Who knew my pretty girl was such a dirty slut." He chuckled, under his breath as he continues to use you however he pleased. You placed your hands on either side of his thigh to try and control the pace but it was futile, he was much stronger than you, all you could do was hold yourself up and try not to vomit. Drool dripped down the side of your mouth as he thrusted his cock down your throat.

"Taking all this dick, good girl." He praised you as he held your head against his pelvis forcing his dick down your throat, he looked smug as he saw the outline of his cock through the flesh of your throat, you slapped his thigh to try and get him to let go of you, needing air. The feeling of you shaking on his cock trying to push away to get air was a sight to behold for him, he wanted to bury his cock in your throat forever, never taking it out. He watched as tears dripped down your face, your hair was mess, face stained with tears, drool dripping out the corners of your mouth. You gagging on his cock, digging your nails into his thigh.

Draken finally let go, you gasps for air you so desperately needed.

"Open up." He says pushing your head back, "Stick that slutty tongue of yours out. Gonna cum in your mouth."

You put your hands on your knees, sitting up higher to put the tip of his cock in your mouth as he jerked it. His eyes glared at you, you listened to his grunts like a melody. You never seen him like this, during sex he was very calm and collected, gentle. Never used harsh words, this was different though. For some reason, being used like his cocksleeve had you dripping.

"Gonna cum, Y/n, take it all, don't spill a single drop." His warm cum spurted onto your tongue, he wiped his tip clean on your tongue "that's it, good girl, now swallow it." You closed your mouth and with a single gulp you downed his cum without a second thought.

"Tastes weird..." Wiping the drool from your mouth with the back of your hand. Draken lifts you up by your arm and tosses you on the bed.

"Had to go and get me riled up..." He said while taking his shirt off, "gonna fill you up real nice." He pushed his lips against yours hungrily devouring your mouth, tasting a mixture of both liquor and his own cum, his mouth explored your own in a heated make out session, his hand traveled down past your panties and onto your bare cunt, a finger pushed pass your slit making it's way in. You moaned into the kiss, giving Draken more access to your mouth, swirling his tongue with your own.

You pulled away from the kiss to let out a soft moan as his finger toys with you, he puts another one in causing you to arch your back. His other hand rubs soft circles on your clit, he claims your mouth with another hungry kiss as if this will be the last time he felt your lips against his own.

"So needy, barely did anything to you." You moaned against his lips as he brought you to a high.

"D-Draken!" You moaned out.

"Fuck, trying to amputate my fingers? Loosen up. " He grumbles, his lips go down to your neck, sucking and biting against your fleshing leaving bruises everywhere his mouth touches. You wrap your arms around his neck pulling him in closer, as you begin to grind your hips against his fingers as they work their way in and out of you and the others against your clit.

"Gonna cum on my fingers?" He questions in your ear while biting your ear lobe.

"Gonna cum on em!" You reply, moving your hips faster, you begin to convulse as he brings you to your well deserved orgasm.

"You're gonna do that all on my cock." He muttered against your neck as he works his way down to your tits. He puts his fingers in your mouth muffling your moans as he begins to suck on your now perky nipples. He pushes his fingers in and out your mouth forcing you to taste your own juices, the same fingers that were just in you, that brought you to your orgasm.

After assaulting your mouth with his fingers he reaches over to the side his of bed to grab a condom.

"Put it on for me." Still high on your orgasm you slowly reach your hand up to take the condom out of his own, that's when he pushes your head own to his cock. He rips the packaging placing just the tip of his cock into the condom.

"Use that pretty mouth of yours." He smirks as he watches you take all of his dick into your mouth, pushing the condom down in the process. "Make sure to get it all the way on, wouldn't want any cum to spill out hm?" He says as he caresses your head.

"Such a good girl." He praises you as you bring your head up, "Gonna make you feel real good okay?" He kisses your forehead as he leans you down into the mattress. He slaps your pussy a couple of times with his cock, prodding the tip at the entrance, pushing his tip every so softly in and out, barley giving you anything to work with.

"Stop with the teasing Draken." You whined, locking your legs around his waist, trying to push his cock further into you. He clicks his tongue at your actions, pulling himself completely out before lifting one of your legs and putting it on his shoulder.

"I don't remember you being in control here." He guffed out. He rammed his cock into you without warning causing you to gasp, your eyes wide and mouth agape. "That's more like it." He smirks at your appearance.

He begins to thrust in and out of your tight pussy, watching you unravel on his cock. One hand holding your leg on his shoulder and the other turning your head to face him.

"This what you wanted right?" He honeyed out, this voice being quite sweet unlike his thrusts, the way his cock pulled out of you only to slam right back in. Sounds of skin against skin filled the room, along with your sweet mouths chanting his name like once before.

He pried your mouth open with his fingers bringing his face closer only to spit in your mouth, "Good little whore" he mutters against your ear. His thrusts never stopped, not once, he keeps going until he brings you to an orgasm.

He could feel your body going limp, but he wasn't done yet. He flipped lifted your body, he was now on his knees and you on his lap, your hands tangled in his hair while being wrapped around his neck, his mouth devouring your nipple, he slams his cock into you while being in this new position. His hands on either side of your waist slamming your body onto his own matching the rythm of his thrusts. He bites down on your nipple, you pull his hair as payback, you finally meet eyes. His hair all disheveled and out of his normal braid, his eyes slanted, full of hunger, he looked like a animal eyeing his prey, and you looked extremely delicious right now. He captures your lips in a heated kiss as his grip tightens on your waist, you grind against his cock as you moan into the kiss. You suck on his tongue and he does yours, you bite his lower lip slightly tugging on it.

"God Y/n, who knew you were so cock hungry. Wouldn't have been going so easy on you of I knew you could take it." He chuckles as he lays your body back down onto the mattress and begins pounding your body against his locking his lips with yours again.

"You're sucking me in like crazy." His voice is rough and out of breath. Your walls only tightening around him while hearing his voice, his hand goes back down to your clit rubbing it aggressively.

"Fuck, I'm close, fuck fuck fuck." He announces, muttering an array of curse words as he feels himself getting closer to his climax. "Cum with me, cum on my cock one last time." He picks up the pace with his thrust and the attack on your poor nub, you were nothing more than a moaning drooling mess at this point subject to Draken's aggressiveness, your body shakes and your back arches for the last time as you release your juices onto Draken's cock coming to your final high, he thrusts one last time before he releases in the condom.

He pulls out taking off the condom and throwing it in the nearby bin, he watches as you slowly drift to sleep but not before saying, "I love you."

"Mhm, I love you too, my little vixen." He kisses your forehead before he lays next to you and drifts to sleep.

Sorry if this wasn't the best, it was my first time writing for Draken. He's kind of a difficult character, I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!

#smut #tokyo revengers smut #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #draken #draken x reader #draken x y/n

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