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theshrubbery · 3 years

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Here’s my new snowbaz fic!!

Summary: Back at Watford I was always on the ball with these things. I spent years suspecting he was a vampire and yet here I am, completely oblivious. Sometimes I feel as though I left all of that at Watford, like Baz took on a new identity when we left, like that’s an old life that I’m not a part of anymore.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one with scars. My tail flicks pointedly.

Or; 5 times Simon forgot that Baz was a vampire, and 1 time he didn't.

________________________________________________________________

Baz has been gone for far too long. He’s never out this long. Especially not when he has uni the next day. It’s way past midnight, probably past one now. I haven’t checked in a while because that would mean I have to stop pacing long enough to look.

He should be back by now. Where is he?

He said he’d be back over an hour ago and he’s not answering his phone. It’s just ringing straight through to voicemail - he doesn’t even have the excuse that it’s died. Unless he’s lost it? But that’s unlikely. Baz never loses anything, Merlin knows how.

I can’t take much more of this. I stop pacing, growl in frustration, run my hands through my hair and then slide my phone out of my pocket.

he’s still not back pen I type out quickly, sending it to Penny. She’s at home visiting her parents for the weekend, it’s her mum’s birthday. I’d give anything to have her here now, she always knows what to do. Unlike me. So much for being the chosen one, Merlin and Morgana I can’t do anything on my own.

Give him a little longer. Penny texts back in reply. I rush to unlock my phone so I can read it in full. Don’t go looking for him. Not with your tail and wings out.

Frustration bubbles up from my stomach to my chest. I hate this. I hate that I can’t just go out like a normal person. I hate that I can’t even open the door for a bloody delivery driver anymore without someone spelling all my extra parts invisible first. It’s demeaning and ridiculous and I feel like a ninny.

I clench my teeth and walk stiffly over to the table, finishing off the dregs of a bottle of cider - my third one of the night. So far. I shake the bottle a few times over my open mouth and then slam it down and continue to pace. At least it’s gotten me off the sofa, I suppose.

My stomach is in absolute knots. I’m so worried over this it’s making it ache. It doesn’t matter that we’re living safely amongst Normals, anything could have happened. It’s not like the underbelly of the Magickal world pays any attention to the rules.

Then, just as I really am about to go insane with worry, there’s a dull thump at the door. It rattles on its hinges, like someone’s thrown themselves against it and all I can think is I swear Baz took his keys when he left.

I rush to look through the keyhole, just in case. It’s a habit Baz and Penny absolutely drilled into me so that I didn’t swing the door open to anyone with my wings out.

It’s Baz. Oh, great snakes. Thank Merlin. Though the relief is short lived.

I yank the door open and my heart instantly drops to somewhere near my intestines.

Baz is heaving for breath, one arm clutching his bloodied shirt and the other hanging limply at his side, his wand in his hand. His clothes are dirty and torn, blood is puddling slowly at the floor by his feet. I’m having trouble breathing. It’s like the fight with the Mage all over again, it’s Ebb’s dead body.

Baz mutters a spell under his breath, I don’t catch what it is but it magicks the floor clean. Has he been doing that the entire way up here? Surely that’s draining way more magic than it’s worth! Energy that Baz could be better using to just concentrate on getting to the flat and not dying in the process.

“You goin’ to… You going to let me in or what?” Baz slurs, catching himself halfway through and fighting to get the words out. He’s gritting his teeth, his perfect mouth is stained red. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Baz slur, it’s disconcerting. I’ve known him most of my life and in all that time his enunciation was always near perfect at the worst of times, impeccable at the best. It’s part of what makes him so talented with magick.

“Oh fuck. Baz? Baz, what happened?” I rush out, distantly noticing I’m swearing like a Normal from the stress. My hands flutter around Baz, I don’t know where I should touch him, I don’t know if I can touch him. What if I make it worse? What if I hurt him?

“I got jumped,” Baz tells me, starting to shoulder his way past me and into the flat. “I got stabbed. Quite a few times, actually.”

I block the way, glad that Baz doesn’t seem to have the strength to boulder his way past me.

“Oh, god. We need to go to the hospital.” I dart to the dish on the hallway side, my vision tilting in panic as I grab my keys and wallet. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe what we’ve fought together and he’s been so badly maimed by muggers. This might even beat the Numpties incident. I can’t believe I’m thinking something like that at a time like this - this isn’t the time for jokes. Oh, god.

“I’m not going,” Baz says, pushing past me. I grab his shoulders to stop him, and then let go with a sickened jolt when he winces.

“Stop being stupid, Baz. Hospital. Now.” Baz leans his forearm on the door-frame and begins to bow over himself, groaning. My heart is hammering a mile a minute. “Look at you, you’re bleeding to death!”

Baz snorts. “If only.”

“What?”

“Merlin and Morgana, just let me in.” Baz spells the floor clean again. “Hurry up, before someone sees you.”

“But the-”

“Simon.” Baz lifts his bowed head to look at me, his forehead is crinkled. “Trust me. Don’t-” he breaks off with a load moan of pain, turning to rest his forehead on the arm holding him up against the frame.

“Baz!” My voice is shaking so hard it’s difficult to imagine I ever stood up to dragons, if this is all it takes to bring me down. To be fair, I think I’d go down with a lot less, too, these days.

“I need to lay down,” Baz says faintly. I really don’t like this. I mean, who would? But this is terrifying. It’s always Baz cleaning up after me, Baz patching me up, Baz is never the one as vulnerable as this. I don’t like it, I hate it, and I hate that I don’t have a single clue what to fucking do.

“Fine. Fuck. Okay, come on,” I stutter out. I take Baz’s wand, ignoring the pang in my chest at holding it, and sling his arm over my shoulders. I lead him into the flat, kicking the front door closed behind us, and walk us slowly to the sofa.

Baz staggers his way over, holding out his other arm and grabbing at things as we pass them. He grabs the back of a chair, the sideboard, the back of the sofa. He’s leaving blood stains but I don’t care.

“Easy, Snow,” Baz says as I lower him down, as gently as I possibly can. Baz’s eyes look a little glazed and I feel sick.

“I got you,” I tell him quietly. I put his wand on the coffee table.

“Your hands’re shaking,” Baz mumbles, his words stringing together, like that’s the most important fucking thing to be realising right now. Maybe he’s going into shock? I really doesn’t know what to do. I needs Penny. Penny would know what to do.

Once he can feel the sofa beneath him, Baz lays himself down and I lift both his legs up onto the sofa for him. I try to make him as comfortable as possible despite the way they hang, lanky, over the arm. Or as comfortable as one can be when he’s fucking bleeding out and refusing to get any medical attention .

“Do you need anything?” I ask quickly, already pulling my phone out to scroll for Penny’s number.

“Towel or something, please. Just to soak the blood.”

“Okay, love. Okay. I got it. I’ll be right back.” I kiss his forehead and rush off, holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder as I crash my way into the bathroom and start rummaging around for towels and anything that might possibly help.

“Simon? What is it?” Penny's tinny voice asks. Not even a hello, that’s so typical, straight to the point. Right now I’m extremely thankful for it. I pull a plastic bowl out of the sink and throw some towels in it as I reply.

“Baz’s hurt. He got jumped. I think he’s been stabbed.”

“Merlin, stabbed? How is that possible? Is he alright?”

“He’s bleeding bad and refusing to go to hospital.” I throw a half empty packet of plasters in my bowl as though they’ll help anything. “I don’t know what to do, Pen.”

“I mean… He can’t go to hospital anyways, Simon. He should be fine unless it was some special sort of weapon. I mean, I can’t think of many ways that a knife can actually kill a vampire.” And then the other shoe drops.

“Oh, shit,” I swear, realisation washing over me in a great big wave of Simon you complete buffoon.

“What is it?”

“A vampire. Great snakes, Pen, I forgot he was a bloody vampire!”

“Oh, Simon,” Penny says with a sigh. Though there’s still a worried edge to her voice. “No wonder you were worrying so much.”

“Now it makes sense why he wouldn’t go to hospital.”

“Go and look after him, Simon. He’ll be alright. Just keep him comfortable and he’ll be healed up in no time. If he’s still not healed by the time I come back home I’ll sort him out.”

“I will. Sorry, Pen. For disturbing you so late. But- thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s what I’m here for.” There’s a muted beep as she hangs up the phone, and I shove it back in my pocket. I feel like a complete idiot. Vampire. How on earth could I possibly forget that? I’m going to blame it on my panic. I’m going to blame it on the fact Baz doesn’t hang from walls and kidnap virgin maidens to drain their blood, the fact he doesn’t turn into a bat.

Or at least not that I’m aware of.

I take the towels and box of plasters out of the empty bowl and fill it with warm water out the bathroom tap instead, then carry all of it back to the sofa and set it out on the floor next to Baz.

He’s still lying exactly how I left him, though with one arm draped over his eyes, the other clutching in a white-knuckled grip at his torso.

“Took you long enough,” Baz says in a low voice. It almost sounds like a groan.

“Sorry, Baz.” I kneel down, my legs tucked under me. “I completely forgot about the whole… Vampire thing.”

“Vampire thing,” he parrots back. “Right. So I heard. That would explain things.” Guilt rushes through my system, heats my cheeks. Of course he heard me on the phone. Back at Watford I was always on the ball with these things. I spent years suspecting he was a vampire and yet here I am, completely oblivious. Sometimes I feel as though I left all of that at Watford, like Baz took on a new identity when we left, like that’s an old life that I’m not a part of anymore.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one with scars. My tail flicks pointedly.

“Does it hurt?” I ask him, dunking a towel in the water. “How did it even happen?”

Baz nods and makes a small noise deep in his throat. “Yeah. It hurts. It probably will for a few hours, then it’ll mostly just be itchy. I’ll heal in no time. The only reason I’m even bleeding like this is because I’d just fed - I’ll have to go again once this is sorted.”

“But how did it happen? Was it another vampire?” Surely there has to be more to the story than this. Baz looks uncomfortable, if a little sheepish.

“Just your average alleyway muggers, really.” I raise my eyebrows.

“Crowley.” I curse. “How’d you manage that?”

“I didn’t want to hurt them,” Baz admits with a wince, lowering his arm and staring up at the ceiling. “It would, of course, been fairly easy to tear them to shreds with my bare hands. But that isn’t something I was willing to do.”

“Christ, Baz. There’s going easy on people and then there’s this.” I let go of the towel and gesture sweepingly across Baz’s abdomen and chest. “They shouldn’t have been able to leave this much damage on you.”

Baz looks distant, like he’s weighing things up in his head. I hate that look. It means he’s deciding how much I need to know.

We haven’t really been getting along as well as we used to, recently. Or maybe, it’s just hard to transition from sworn enemies to boyfriends in the matter of a few days. We’ve only been out of Watford a couple of months, but it’s been difficult for us. At first we couldn’t stop kissing and groping for long enough to watch a full episode of the Bake Off but recently it’s like there’s some invisible wedge growing between us.

I still love him, I’m sure of it. I think he loves me, too. But I don’t know what I’m doing. What we’re doing. We need to talk, communicate, but I’m terrified that if we do he’ll leave me. So I just let the divide deepen, and hate myself for it the entire time.

Looking at Baz now, though, I’m scared that I’m looking at the same Baz that tried to set himself alight in the woods. He has issues too, he just hides them better than I do. I feel like such a shit boyfriend, I can’t help him. One day he’ll realise he’s better than me, that I’m not good enough. But I don't want him to go, and that's selfish.

“I didn’t want to hurt them,” Baz repeats after a long silence. “Either way, they were pretty scared by the fact I stayed on my feet for so long.”

“Of course they were, if you were normal you’d be dead.”

Baz immediately flinches, his smirk drops along with my stomach.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” I say quickly, but the words catch in my throat and sound like an insincere stutter. “You are normal. For you, I mean.”

Baz sighs. For a second I think he’s going to punch me, but then I realise it’s the opposite. He deflates; his pinched brow and glazed eyes are the fight leaving him.

“Help me out of this shirt,” he says, letting it go.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“But I’m not normal, am I? Not for me. I wasn’t born this way, I was made. It was forced on me,” he quips. Sharp and fast and unfaltering. His eyes are blazing again.

“I-”

“It’s fine.” As quickly as the sparks catch they return to ash again. I really am sorry though. He won’t let me say it, not out loud, so I carry it like a mantra through my thoughts; I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry. “Help me with the shirt. Please, love.”

I bite my lip, but the endearment melts me a little. I know that it’s genuine, even if there is a whole void of unsaid things drifting between us. I reach for the buttons, undoing them as best I can with how my hands are shaking. I have to fight to keep my wings still, my tail, but it’s a losing battle. It’s written all over my body how agitated and nervous I am.

The shirt (the white shirt, why Baz hunts in a white shirt is beyond me) is torn across the chest and stomach, and as I undo the buttons and push the sides apart, my hand accidentally slides through the slash. Baz flinches, though he tries to control it.

“Watch the gaping bloody holes,” he says bluntly. I wince. There’s two glistening puncture wounds, I do my best not to look at them.

I pull the shirt away from him, bracing a hand on his back to help him sit up so I can pull it from under him even though I’m fairly sure he doesn’t really need the help. Looking at him, I can already see where the skin is healing. It doesn’t scab and clot, like flesh wounds normally do, the skin just seems to stitch itself smoothly back together.

I ball his shirt up and throw it to the side, then gently begin wiping the blood away with a damp towel.

“Careful, Snow,” Baz warns with a quiet hiss.

“Does it still hurt?” I have no idea how vampire pain receptors work.

“Crowely, Snow. Of course it hurts. I got stabbed .” Baz doesn’t really sound mad, but his voice has an edge to it.

“I’m sorry,” I say again. I don’t really know what else to say.

Baz doesn’t reply straight away. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I carry on wiping at the blood, vaguely recognising that, really, this isn’t even Baz’s.

“Why do you keep apologising so much?” He asks softly.

“I just- I don’t know.” I really don’t. “I just keep making you feel bad, and what sort of boyfriend forgets his boyfriend is a vampire? I’m sorry, Baz. Really.”

“It’s alright, Simon.” My stomach flutters at the use of my first name. “I’m glad I have you.” Baz always does this. He puts affection over everything like a salve. Lately he won’t let me be in the wrong, not him or Penny. The both of them walking on eggshells with me. It’s why nothing ever gets properly sorted out. Now isn’t the time for a fight, though.

“I bet you could do a better job with magic,” I mutter bitterly anyways.

“I don’t want to use magic. I’ve used enough magic. I don’t think I’d have enough left in me if I wanted to regardless.”

“Are you sure this is okay?”

“Absolutely, Simon. Absolutely.”

I carry on patching him up in silence. Even though it’s pointless. He’ll heal anyways, but he doesn’t stop me from wrapping the towels around him like a bandage and applying pressure with my hand. I look at where my hands are pressing over the wounds, trying to focus on the solid pressure of Baz beneath them.

The pain is mostly gone out of his face now, he just looks uncomfortable.

I wonder how indestructible Baz is. I wonder how long he’ll live. I wonder- no. I swallow. It’s no good thinking about all of this, not now, at least.

“I’m going to nap,” Baz says.

“Here? Or…?”

“I’ll be alright here, don’t worry.” I stare down at him until he looks back up at me. My heart squeezes as our eyes make contact and I reach up to press my hand against the side of his his grey face. His eyes seem to melt a little, he smiles and turns his head to kiss my hand.

“Come to bed. With me,” I whisper. I don’t want to be away from him right now. I need him near me, I need to feel that un-dead chest breathing.

It’s a struggle, but I help him up, and keep an arm around his waist as I lead him to the bedroom. He gets into bed first, lifting the covers and sliding in with a low hum. He’s falling asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. I notice how he pushes the covers away so that they don’t get stained.

I don’t care, I climb in and pull them over the both of us.

Baz lays still for a moment, tense. Then he shuffles closer to me, rests his head on my shoulder. I press my cheek to the top of it, hoping to smell bergamot. All I can smell is the tangy copper of blood. He’ll be wanting to shower once he’s awake, Baz hates being a mess.

He’s cold where he presses against me, but I don’t mind. He’s a vampire. It’s part of the deal. I want him as he is, not as he wishes he should be. I wonder if he thinks the same of me.

#snowbaz #simon snow fanfiction #snowbaz fic #fic rec #baz pitch fanfiction #simon snow #baz pitch

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years

Text

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: [is gonna rock up late despite literally living with Charlie so enjoy the entrance everybody]

Joe: [when you weren’t invited but still gonna show up like you have somewhere better to be, love that for you, the effort we’ve not gone to because we live here so it’s kinda okay but not really Joseph, also I imagine kinda shook she ended up showing]

Ronnie: [likewise in the sense that she dresses the same everywhere she goes unless it’s a job interview or court appearance lol but we know she looks good if you’re Joseph and into it, I imagine her zoning in on Jamie immediately like who the fuck is this and then oh I’ve heard nothing about you kinda energy soz gal]

Joe: [rude but not untrue in this case, at least Charlie can make it seem like you’re joking and Joe can go get you a drink like soz this is all we have energy ‘cos in jokes]

Ronnie: [I highly doubt they have enough seats around that table so I also imagine her dragging up something to sit on like yeah I’m here to stay bitches and drinking Joe’s drink while he’s gone as a throwback to when she did when they met at that gig and cos we’re obvs claiming him LOL]

Joe: [we know the food is gonna be studenty anyway so having smaller portions won’t kill any of us lmao, just dying at how shocked Sophie is having to conceal she is, host on queen, boring boyfriend having no opinions of course]

Ronnie: [don’t worry gal depending how much of a jealous rage we get into we probably won’t be eating it so you’ll still have brownies left, her face would be iconic and I totally picture Marc on his phone the entire time because Paul used to do that when he was with Trace]

Joe: [giving nothing to this bizarre situation, too real, Charlie and Sophie holding this together, soz guys, Joe jus amused af, do we sit opposite or next to hmm]

Ronnie: [read that as soz gays, ILY mum & dad, I think he needs to sit opposite Jamie so that she can accuse them of eye fucking each other or whatever so probably next to]

Joe: [okay yes gather ‘round everyone]

Ronnie: she lives here

Joe: yeah I told you, Silent Bob’s gf

Ronnie: you said he had a bitch not shes been chained to the radiator since youse lot moved in

Joe: maybe that’s his secret

Ronnie: whens he letting you have your go

Joe: got my own radiator you can have a go on when this is over

Joe: not to brag or nothing

Ronnie: wont be over til the fat flatmate sings & the other one sucking you off while her & mariah duet and the boyfriend pretends he aint watching youse instead is fuck all to brag about

Joe: be lucky if it got close to that level of mildly interesting

Joe: where are you in all this then

Ronnie: under the sink looking for drain cleaner or whatever else i can drink

Joe: why do you get to have all the fun?

Ronnie: i dont waste my time asking bullshit questions

Joe: how are we gonna waste our time

Ronnie: im gonna kill your shared girlfriend & youre gonna cry about it

Joe: I don’t think I am

Joe: no amount of tragedy is gonna breakthrough the chemical fog

Ronnie: you would if you could

Joe: [🙄 at her]

Ronnie: [tips however much is left of her drink into his lap not at all accidentally but we know Charlie and Soph will pretend it was]

Joe: [whip them off to go get changed boy]

Ronnie: [when you wanna follow him but you just gotta glare instead]

Joe: [probably taking whatever we’ve got in to make this go easier, ‘scuse us, so much missing out]

Ronnie: [you know she turned up already on something so do what you gotta do Joseph]

Joe: [Jamie should be talking to you about uni things thus alienating everyone else a lil ‘cos that is a bit rude and will annoy you gal]

Ronnie: [fully just opening up a wound over here literally cos she was already jealous but did not realise they had this much shit in common or anything in common actually so we’re just livid and bleeding]

Joe: [Sophie just running with the kitchen roll like omg do we have bandages guys like oh babe you truly only mean well, Charlie just giving the can you not looks of it all, Joe just jealous because we’ve obviously got our long sleeves]

Ronnie: [a spoken out loud fuck you at everyone but mainly Joe as we go to the bathroom to not deal with this but instead evoke the energy of when Mae downed that mouthwash because she definitely would and also go through the cabinets for anything sharp obvs]

Joe: [at least you can go under the guise of checking on her but really you’re just seeing what she’s doing]

Ronnie: [1000% have not locked the door because we wanted him to follow us but that won’t stop her telling him to get out because walking contradiction forever]

Joe: [locks it behind him in response]

Ronnie: [the most intense glare in response because could not be more livid rn]

Joe: [grabbing wherever the wound is like we’re gonna kiss it better or something like Soph for a casual bit of blood drinking]

Ronnie: [obviously have to push him away really hard because we’re obviously really into it and excuse you boy we’re trying to be angry and hate you, soz to all the flatmates when you hear that crashing about]

Joe: [lmao this tiny bathroom getting destroyed, steady yourself and her despite that clearly not being what she wants right now, roll up a sleeve ‘you never did the X’]

Ronnie: [the glorious visual of trying to get past him to leave/push him away again at the same time in a small space so you just end up pressed up against each other and the door making eye contact and it’s hot af ‘you never took me anywhere’]

Joe: [‘so let me’ do you mean let’s get out of here or in a saucy way either or you skinny as hell girl so if you not really trying to leave it’s easy not to let you]

Ronnie: [‘she’ll let you’ because we’re not just dropping this even if we want to]

Joe: [‘who?’ like an oblivious boy ‘cos clearly not where our head is]

Ronnie: [a really vicious read of Jamie based on what we’re learned this evening that I’m not gonna do because I am not that mean but it’s obvious it’s her and not Sophie we’re talking about, hope you don’t hear us gal]

Joe: [‘I’m not interested’ in every sense right now ‘and you know that, stop pissing about’]

Ronnie: [‘wasn’t any other cunt round the table hanging on her every fucking word, I know that’ because that was blatant Jamie]

Joe: [‘I can’t help it that her fella’s an accountant’ what do you do Marc, do any of us know lol, shrugs ‘we go to the same school, that’s it’ and a look like whatever the fuck this is is clearly more]

Ronnie: [she would wanna lol but we can’t because still mad ‘that’s it?’ not actually a question though more like you better be telling the truth boy ‘why the fuck have you never told me about her then?’]

Joe: [‘I thought I had when I said he had a girlfriend’ not not a lie ‘none of them are what I want to talk about, that’s it’]

Ronnie: [‘you were thinking with this’ grabbing his dick when we say so ‘that’s it’ cos even if that was true Joseph we shade the rest of the flatmates often and you know damn well we love doing it]

Joe: [shakes head even though we are very clearly into that ‘she’s no Soph’ like it wouldn’t be as funny soz]

Ronnie: [‘is right’ like yeah I know you actually seriously wanna get with her, and moving away but not to leave but to pick back up whatever implement we were gonna hurt ourselves with before he came in but didn’t get chance to because we’re genuinely upset]

Joe: [literally putting ourselves in front of it like no ‘Ronnie’ like I don’t know how you’re going to even put it into words boy so it’s mainly a !!! look]

Ronnie: [a look that starts out like don’t try and stop me/fuck you but turns into !! when his does like say something/do something if you mean it]

Joe: [got to go in and kiss you whilst making her push whatever she was gonna use on herself into him, now or never, enjoy the tension finally getting released]

Ronnie: [obviously we’re kissing you back so we all know what’s gonna happen next lol, soz flatmates I really hope you can’t hear anything, especially Charlie cos you actually know they’re related]

Joe: [it is not a big flat so keep quiet, just think he’s comforting her for all this time or what, god bless]

Ronnie: [she would be trying to keep quiet but not for y’all more so he thinks she’s unimpressed/not that into it but that would literally last all of a second because she’s obviously very into it]

Joe: [the levels you aren’t gonna wanna go back in but can’t be seen as being romantic lads]

Ronnie: [I could easily have her leave if we want though because it’s a fact that she doesn’t wanna be here and everyone would be relieved except Joseph]

Joe: [that probably makes sense, honestly, and you’ve freaked them all out, as was the point]

Ronnie: [and lbr you’ve freaked yourselves out with how good that hook up was too so]

Joe: [just go hide in your room like you’re very taxed by that in an acceptable way boy]

Ronnie: [god knows where you’re gonna go gal but please don’t OD again like you literally did in Margate no time ago]

Joe: [the headfuckery]

Ronnie: [poor Charlie just like UMMM WTF cos she must look bad even for her rn and we’ve behaved terribly and then literally legged it so]

Joe: [thank god you’re such a natural party go-er so you can make up some excuse to put them all at relative ease but yeah, for sure like excuse me]

Ronnie: [might be fun to do a convo between them when we’re done with this one]

Joe: [I’m down even though I really haven’t used him yet, I’ll give it a go]

Ronnie: [yeah it’s been forever since we did the group chats with them and Bronson and Bea it feels like another life, I can send you the convo we did where she told him she met Joe if you like cos I re-read that the other day and it was pretty good]

Ronnie: [but the real question is who’s gonna break first and start a convo and how long are we leaving it?]

Joe: [please do ‘cos did not realize we’d done that tbh]

Joe: [I could make a case for either of them, him to prove he meant it as he left it last time but her so she can’t automatically be on the ‘it meant nothing’ total defensive hmm]

Joe: [some hours later when the party is over, or could be]

Joe: Charlie was going pub, he’s left here though

Ronnie: [even later because whatever she’s doing she’s messy and can’t reply to the extent that she doesn’t need to because he won’t be expecting her to and yet here we are]

Ronnie: did whitney ask you to pass it on to us cos hes still disappointed like

Joe: couldn’t say

Joe: just letting you know that you’ll have a free gaff for a while longer

Ronnie: where have i chucked the other one for the sake of this free gaff in your mind mckenna

Joe: alright, free rooms better than fuck all

Ronnie: its his emmy oggie i aint there either

Joe: anywhere good?

Ronnie: compared to what

Joe: established it’s no brag compared to tonight

Ronnie: not gonna stop you comparing me & her

Joe: compare to what?

Joe: pleasantries over cocopops

Ronnie: youll be interested in eating her out now youve got what you wanted off me

Ronnie: 9 is easier to carve than an 8 and you wont look like youre trying to copy the infinity sign one of your other exes wouldve got inked on her

Joe: it’s not remotely the fucking same

Joe: if I was arsed about getting my numbers up there’s millions of girls in this city I could hit up before you

Ronnie: yeah youre not related to any of em and theyd have less clue how to shoot up than you do

Joe: even if the related bit was ringing 100% true, you’re the only user in town now?

Joe: you don’t have to pervert it when it already was

Ronnie: youre already romanticising it like a fucking 13 year old so yeah i do cause one of us has to get real

Joe: you reckon I’m so okay with it just because I can admit I wanted it

Joe: who do you reckon you’re lying to like I weren’t there

Ronnie: who do you reckon youre talking to like i didnt fucking leave you there for a reason

Joe: Fuck off

Ronnie: i did

Joe: for someone who reckons they’re so open, you chat so much shit

Ronnie: open to what soft lad infection

Joe: scars and trackmarks on your sleeve

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: you didn’t miss much

Ronnie: no shit you didnt just invite me cause you wanted to fuck me

Ronnie: can do that anywhere

Joe: yeah and you didn’t just wanna come to make Soph cry, like

Ronnie: i owed you

Joe: get it off your to-do list then

Joe: well done

Ronnie: stop crying youll never look as ugly as horse girl doing it or go for as long as her

Joe: you love her, we all 👀

Ronnie: i said shut up

Joe: no, you say something that’s not stupid

Ronnie: what for fucks sake

Ronnie: what did you reckon id say when you started chatting shit like nothing happened

Joe: alright, I don’t know

Joe: it happened, right

Ronnie: you werent hallucinating

Joe: nothing that makes that happen in the bathroom cupboard

Joe: I don’t regret it, I know that

Ronnie: meant to be made up to hear it am i

Joe: nah, probably not

Joe: but you wanted me to talk about it so I am

Ronnie: i wanted you to take the fucking hint when i legged it as soon as

Joe: you could’ve blocked me, so

Joe: pardon me for not taking it that seriously

Ronnie: not your crazy ex & i couldnt deny you your bullshit heroics

Ronnie: mary aint carrying me anywhere and i know how bad you wanna see me turn blue

Joe: you like having a stalker, is what you mean

Ronnie: block me and get your whore flatmate to tell you what she likes about you

Ronnie: weve established i aint got the talent to sing no cunts praises

Joe: we’ve established I’m not interested in that

Ronnie: cause you want me to tell you how smart you are at fucking me instead of beat the shit out of you

Ronnie: it wont last

Joe: familys forever, sis

Ronnie: not to your ma baby

Ronnie: did i look enough like her for you

Joe: what do you reckon

Joe: your theory, not mine

Ronnie: mustve youve still not fucked off

Joe: you’ve got room for another face tat or two

Ronnie: go do that then

Joe: you can leave out the yes sir

Joe: not my fantasy

Ronnie: no shit like youve been my bitch since you hit send on facebook

Joe: 😂

Joe: I’ve been worse

Ronnie: you trying to turn me on or what its a bit late for it

Joe: just the once, alright

Joe: bit cliche but probably for the best considering

Joe: very sensible of you

Ronnie: cliche that my da didnt stick around long enough for his side of the family to properly cut or sew me up so ive gotta regret not getting chance to put a razor blade inside me before you 💔

Ronnie: now youre gonna reckon i care youve said the once ll do when i just hate you & hate how you fuck even more

Joe: Could’ve said it was about as much fun as

Joe: it’s alright

Joe: both confused, clearly

Ronnie: youre not confused youre fucking smug

Joe: hardly another achievement for the fridge door

Joe: what’s to be smug about

Ronnie: probably for the best i dont answer that if thats how you feel

Joe: come on

Joe: aside from proving you were full of shit about not wanting to as well

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: you don’t want me to say how I really feel

Ronnie: making me cum earlier dont mean you know what i want now

Joe: right, you want me to declare my love so you get more out of telling me to fuck off, that’s more like it

Ronnie: do i fuck

Joe: then what do you want

Ronnie: like you give the slightest shit

Joe: I do too

Ronnie: no you dont

Joe: I fucking do

Joe: [prove it in a way only y’all would, carve her name or something]

Ronnie: [send him your own pics of the bite marks you’re covered in which is a self harming thing you’ve not done since you were a kid because it’s been a headfuck every second since you two met and we’re not coping honey]

Joe: you hungry?

Joe: you didn’t eat fuck all, I mean

Joe: could get something not dubiously prepared by Soph

Ronnie: hungry as you are funny

Joe: I weren’t trying to be

Joe: on the spectrum, or whatever you said

Ronnie: you wish you had the excuse or the musical prodigy status

Joe: 💔 about that genuinely

Joe: just a dickhead

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: I don’t know what to say

Joe: there’s no point saying I’m sorry

Ronnie: no point is right youre not sorry

Joe: nah

Joe: it’d be lovely for you if I’d found you and you were fine

Joe: but like you said, it ain’t about me or her, it’s about loads of shit and you clearly weren’t so

Joe: just seems pointless

Ronnie: im made up you finally got your head round it

Joe: Yeah well, I didn’t tell you I was a good person

Joe: don’t mean I don’t give no fucks, just ‘cos I ain’t trying to save you

Ronnie: you keep telling me you aint like it matters to me who you are

Joe: yeah, it doesn’t in why you’re fucked

Joe: but what do you want from me

Ronnie: its your fucking fault im like this climbing the walls same as when i was a kid

Joe: yeah ‘cos you were doing really great before weren’t ya

Ronnie: all you give a fuck about is letting yourself off the fucking hook

Joe: Blame me then what does it change

Joe: do something about it other than fucking yourself up, I don’t care

Ronnie: stop lying that youre bothered if your only answer to me losing my mind is that i was before

Joe: I can’t help you

Joe: If you thought I could, though why the fuck you would

Joe: then I am sorry

Ronnie: 💔🖕

Joe: I’ve got my own problems

Joe: if I had any solutions, I’d light ‘em up and shoot them into myself first, naturally

Ronnie: youve got a solution i gave it to you

Ronnie: why the fuck would you make me feel something

Joe: Selfishness

Joe: pure and simple

Ronnie: on your way to a grown up habit im dead proud

Joe: what more could I want

Ronnie: that to scab over seeing as youve finally admitted its bullshit

Joe: I still think about you constantly

Joe: I still want to know everything about you

Joe: I’d rot with you

Ronnie: youve got your own problems to think about

Joe: yeah, and that’s hell

Joe: I’ve done plenty of that

Ronnie: yeah and youve got your escape

Joe: take yours

Joe: can have plan bs and cs even if a is the best

Ronnie: youre the kid who tells the rest to jump off a bridge

Ronnie: cute

Joe: you’re implying I wouldn’t and all

Ronnie: i dont give a shit what you do but i aint giving you the satisfaction of being the last fuck i ever had

Ronnie: youd cling to life long enough to write a pathetic song about it

Joe: that’s the nicest thing you’ve said

Joe: which is saying something ‘cos you’re so sweet, like

Ronnie: youre welcome

Joe: I’ll do a Dylan style ballad about all your 👼🏼 deeds

Ronnie: thats the biggest turn off out of everything youve ever said or done

Joe: thank god, you’re insatiable 😏

Ronnie: once you said

Joe: not for my benefit

Ronnie: its all only for your benefit remember

Joe: if that were true you’d still be here

Ronnie: if it was true i could be

Joe: come back

Ronnie: cant ive got a face tat to get done

Joe: I understand

Joe: my art isn’t there yet

Joe: won’t ruin your beauty

Ronnie: go ed and chuck yourself off a bridge you dont have to wait for me to boot your door in & do you in for chatting shit

Joe: well I am already devvo I’m not a prodigy so yeah, add lack of a steady hand to the list of failures

Joe: probably the meds

Joe: you know being poetic is all I do, why have we downgraded it to chatting shit 💔

Ronnie: why are you calling me beautiful when you could write it in your suicide note for your ma theres your downgrade

Joe: you’re too romantic for your own good

Joe: I wouldn’t be writing a note, sorry to dash your illusions

Ronnie: not me saying i get you mckenna thats your delusion

Ronnie: what are you gonna draw on me then

Joe: you do but it’s more fun to take the piss and pretend you don’t so

Joe: That is the question

Joe: won’t brand you, don’t worry

Ronnie: if i dont want it ill cut it out no pressure

Joe: it’s just skin right

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: how olds your oldest scar

Ronnie: older than you

Joe: what did you do

Ronnie: i used to take headbanging literally

Joe: ah, the floor never saw you coming, yeah

Joe: I have a head scar too [cos he either does or did on the stalker show idk but there we go with a photo like she probably knows hun]

Ronnie: [I just imagine her smiling to herself like yeah I know nerd]

Ronnie: cant both be poets had to express myself somehow before i pushed a safety pin through my cheek

Joe: that explains the permanent 😾

Joe: fucked the muscles, like

Ronnie: your shit jokes do

Joe: it was always easier to just start fights to get hurt

Joe: when I was a kid

Joe: though you work out ways to be sneaky fast, if you have to

Ronnie: they didnt wanna fight me

Joe: everyday sexism strikes again

Ronnie: fuck off not cos im a girl

Joe: why then

Ronnie: wouldnt be me getting hurt and if i was i didnt care

Ronnie: all those mental problems you told that call centre cunt about like

Joe: ‘course you were too proud to make it count

Joe: have to let them get some punches in or there was no point, yeah

Ronnie: no point in fitz flouncing in either fun though

Joe: true

Joe: I’ve got a brother and all, I remember what it’s like

Ronnie: scraps never went far enough

Joe: yeah

Joe: most kids aren’t that psycho

Ronnie: 💔

Joe: being misunderstood served me so well for the whole musician thing so whatever, I guess

Ronnie: i mightve bothered keeping some of my bastards about if they were guaranteed nutters thatd serve you well

Joe: you’d get your own room then, like

Joe: even if you had to pack them to the rafters

Ronnie: for a stalker youre dead concerned about my privacy

Joe: nah, ‘course not

Joe: I’d rather have a place to do the gear without the possibility of Soph or Charlie 🥺ing at us obvs, nothing but selfishness

Ronnie: theres loads of places

Joe: you can show me

Ronnie: is she there now she can let me in

Joe: no idea

Joe: their room is near the door, makes sense they’d be your first victims

Ronnie: youre too selfish to get off your arse and do it

Joe: if you’re coming I’ll carry you in myself, you know that

Ronnie: ill be there and youll still be going on about what youre gonna do

Ronnie: no wonder the other kids kept smacking you

Joe: yeah, all mouth me, deffo what I was known for

Joe: not a euphemism and I don’t think they were wishing it was but who knows

Ronnie: you sure you dont want charlie giving you the eye

Ronnie: how it sounds

Joe: I’m alright, tah

Joe: pretty sure he’s over it now I’m enabling you

Ronnie: hes over everything thats not horse girls from kent but reckons the fucking lost causes are us

Joe: He clearly just gives a shit about appearances

Joe: looking nice, polite

Joe: they’ll never speak again, like

Ronnie: forget him

Ronnie: open the door

Joe: [do that boy]

Ronnie: [boop his little head scar as you come in like oh there it is]

Joe: [‘s’not even a good story’ and producing some takeaway moment from the kitchen as you go through ‘cos the dinner party was not heavy on the dinner bit]

Ronnie: [a look like ffs because people caring in any way ew no but we are gonna eat it because probably haven't since that Margate moment]

Joe: [shrugging like bitch I’m hungry as we tuck in, obviously]

Ronnie: [kick him while you've still got your big boots on but playfully not aggressively]

Joe: [😏 but in a more genuine way than that cocky face looks, I am vibing Chinese not that that matters but there we go]

Ronnie: [weirdly I also thought that maybe because it's one of the grossest haha but yeah eat your food lads]

Joe: [greasy greasy goodness, love the subtle shade if any of them come out for a cuppa or whatever like oh hello again lol]

Ronnie: [I hope it's oblivious Marc just living his life]

Joe: [that’d be most amusing, unbothered, casually]

Ronnie: [I just imagine them doing stuff to try and make him notice like when people stack stuff on a sleeping person but idk what you could do in that little kitchen]

Joe: [for sure, just being subtly annoying/weird and he is just like does not compute ‘cos we mind our own business, so childish]

Ronnie: [love that for you two]

Joe: [we stan the regression for you]

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withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus · 4 years

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Tag Game: Get To Know The Mun

Answer the questions below and tag 11 people you want to know better!

The post was kind of long so I am answering in a new one. Thank you @sweet-strawberry-blog for the tag. ^^

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise?

Honestly, no idea. My name is Maria and that’s how everyone calls me. I don’t like my name nor any of its variations so I just go with it.

2. When is your birthday?

Not telling. :3

3. Where do you live? (You don’t have to give a city, you can give the state if you’re USA or country if you are overseas)

I live in Greece.

4. Three things you are doing right now?

Answering these questions while having ihascupquake playing on youtube on the background. I don’t do anything else. ^^’

5. Four fandoms that have your peak interest right now?

Visual kei & Danganronpa. Nth else at the moment.

6. How has this pandemic been treating you?

I am fine, I am staying inside and all but most people don’t so I am afraid it will get worse soon and like Italy we’ll lose many people. Especially since summer is here, the quarantine days are lifted and every idiot who was looking forward to vacation is going to come here cause partying in Mykonos is more important than everyone’s health, obviously. I worry about my mother cause the pandemic has made things harder for her and her health and she couldn’t visit doctors etc, but well...(it’s not corona, it’s other things but now i am worried about that too).

7. A song that you can’t stop listening to right now?

Any Halsey song really.

8. Recommend a movie:

Oh I am bad at this, I am more of a music person xD. I have watched so many films ever since I was a kid that new ones don’t impress me easily and I rarely watch new stuff. If you don’t mind about when it was made though, I’d suggest the Addams Family movies. It’s cute, it’s fun, I love it. For horror films I’d say the basics, like Saw, Silent Hill, even REPO! The Genetic Opera if you are into musicals too. Other movies, well I like Charlie’s Angels (not the most recent one, it’s awful in my opinion), any Tim Burton film, I love them. What else? I think it’s enough.

9. How old are you?

26. Though I am acting like a 16-18 year old most times and when we get to deep conversations I might sound like an old lady about some things.

10. School, University, Occupation, Other?

I guess I will die locked up in the hell that my informatics uni is. I absolutely hate it and I wish to drop it, but unless I get a job, I am having severe fears to do it, to announce it to my parents, since I am living with them, I got to be doing sth with my life you know? I am a loser, not much to be said. I am also studying Japanese, I am good at this, dunno if it’s good enough to pass the proficiency tests but it’s the only thing that’s moving forward in my life and I am holding on to it tight. I don’t have a job but I like considering myself an artist. I do photomanips and can edit videos (though I haven’t touched the latter in a long time). Generally graphics and stuff I can do but where to find a job for that in a country like mine that still lives centuries behind most countries and is mostly conservative as fuck. :D

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

Cold. Always cold.

12. Name one fact about you that others may find unusual?

Well I am generally considered unusual here, due to my opinions, beliefs, tastes etc. People from other countries I am talking with seem to find me way more normal than Greek people, I don’t know. I guess being straight and supporting LGBTQ+ people is crazy here. Liking horror is crazy if you invest yourself to it past watching movies for the scares (like, people have asked me why i like it so much if I don’t get scared and I am like “aesthetic xD“). I like very revealing clothes too (never wear them though cause i hate myself and also hate people’s attention) which many people find extreme here....what else. Oh and I loooove guys putting on makeup and having long beautiful hair ever since I was a little shit. These things are very unusual here for some reason. The question asked one fact I know but I feel like ranting so here you go xD.

13. Are you shy?

Yes, but it doesn’t always show. (luckily) And I hate it cause it deprives me of many opportunities. Being shy i mean, not its not showing.

14. Do you have preferred pronouns?

She/Her

15. Biggest Pet Peeve? Lies, ungratefulness, being late repeatedly, cheating on people, girls ignoring their friends to spend more time with boyfriend (find a middle ground or bye bitch xD)

16. What is your favorite “dere” type?

Yandere. Dunno why. Maybe because I am leaning more towards Tsundere myself. I tend to like crazy people. Though I don’t think I would be able to deal with Yandere people in real life.

17. Rate your life 1-10, 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best it could ever be.

Taking into consideration my health is generally good, that I have my basic necessities met, my mother is still around and I have access to a lot of music I’d say 4-5. But only due to these. I most definitely hate my life and don’t really want to be alive but I can’t be ungrateful and say that I don’t have those very basic things. I am grateful I have a roof above my head, food to eat, a mother who cares and lots of music to listen to.

18. What is your main blog?

The one I am answering this from.

19. List your side blogs and what they are used for.

I have around 15 locked blogs I never finished xD. Aaaall of them fanpages besides one I have for the graphics I use in my blogs and one for promoting a story I am writing. The open ones are REIGN’s fanpage @club-reign , the Valentine’s fanpage (which also has a couple of ex bands of the members) @fi-ance-trust-thevalentine both of which are mainly inactive and act as archived blogs for any fans who get to like these bands after their disband and for old fans to have sth to remember. My writeblr is @dotr-rose-love . Everything else is locked.

20. Is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

I am a very pessimistic person who might go over and over the same subject if you ask to listen to me. So if you feel drained by people being sad about the same things often, don’t ask me to open up to you :P. We can talk with just you opening up ^^. Other than that I am a good listener but if we are not veeery close, I might not always be as responsive as you’d like me to be or as warm. I need time to show warmth. I am an open book about other things but yeah. And if we don’t click easily it might literally take years xD. I am fine with simple chats too just not too much small talk cause I suck at this. xD At some point you might feel like oh she doesn’t want to talk to me, but honestly it’s me having no idea what else to add. I’d rather us get straight to a deep conversation or sth xD. Sometimes I might also not have the energy to speak to anyone so I might take a day or two to reply, but definitely not a month. Oh and since this is a big theme I had an issue about before, I am pro-choice, so if we speak of love and you start trying to tell me to change my mind, you will most likely have me barking and in a really bad way.

#mdp

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cammydlover · 2 years

Text

Feeling lost

So it’s been ages since I posted on here but I had a conversation with a friend the other day and it made me realize how much I missed having this outlet and how much I really need it.

So much has happened since I last posted..I started a Masters degree..then dropped out 5 weeks later and started a new one just 2 months later and now I’m more than halfway through that degree and the fear is back

What do I wanna do with my life? Where do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be with? All those questions creeping up on me…

But then again we all know we are never fully ready for what happens after uni..it just happens

You might not find your dream job in your dream city with the perfect apartment..your life might not look like the videos on TikTok where everyone is talking about being the main character

That takes time and effort and determination

Think mostly I just need to allow myself to breathe and take a step back..it’s my life so why am I not enjoying it

I’m the only one who has to live it..no one else just me..and I need to be strong and brave and even if I fail..then I need to get back up and be strong again

Let’s be real my confidence took a pretty big hit during covid

Being alone all the time reminded me of being depressed about 9 years ago

I told myself that I need no one else and that relying on someone else is weak..ever since that time I had a hard time letting people in but covid made that a lot worse

I know it wasn’t my fault that I decided to stick to the restrictions and that covid was/is a thing but I felt guilty for not trying hard enough to make friends

Making friends is hard tho and it gets harder as you get older

And then there’s also this side of me that knows I will leave in a few months so get attached to anyone

I am stupid i know..i should live in the moment but I can’t

It’s never been something I was good at

I just know for a fact that the city I live in now cannot be my home after uni..cause living in England taught me what home and comfort feels like and every day I woke up knowing I was in the best place possible for me

And then I moved away and everything slipped away as well..obviously this is also due to circumstances that had nothing to do with this city in particular but I miss england and it gets worse every day

I have never been home sick thinking about Germany (technically my home country) but get major homesickness thinking about England and the life I left behind

Don’t get me wrong I’m proud of myself for dropping out and finding a degree that fit me but I couldn’t have possibly imagined how hard it would be..

My life was turned upside down and oh boy my anxiety got so much worse

I had an anxiety attack a few months and my lungs hurt for days..I genuinely felt like I was going to die

It’s been getting better now but sometimes I can’t even leave the house which is awful but I do force myself most of the time

There’s also been a lot of drama with my new flatmates (but let’s be real while it seemed to matter in the moment I know it won’t matter in the long run cause their opinion means nothing to me)

“Why would you take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice?”

I’m not perfect..far from it actually but sometimes it’s okay be a bitch to protect yourself

You can’t let other people walk all over you

Sometimes you gotta cut people off even people that you like

I have this friend and I love him so much but at the moment every conversation with him is pure drama and just drains my energy

I feel guilty but I shouldn’t

I can’t sacrifice my mental health to support someone else..I’ve been there and I ended up in hospital

Oh boy here we go..this is why I shouldn’t stop writing..it’s therapy for me

All I can say..whatever you’re going through right now you’re not alone and you got this! 🖤 there’s always sunshine behind that rain (even if you have to be that sunshine sometimes)

Love, Meg xx

#writing #feelings #emotions #emotional #stress #happiness #confidence #yougotthis #strength #mental health #mentalhealthawareness

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leewarsky · 3 years

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Lifting yourself out of a writing slump

It should come as no surprise that it takes a lot of effort to get a book into production by yourself. Starting from scratch, with no idea whatsoever of the industry I was moving in to, it has taken many years for my first book to see the light of day.

I first started documenting the stories I made up for my daughter when she was a toddler…now she’s mid-way through high school. The beautiful images I used to conjure up in my mind of reading my books to her school class have well and truly gone out the window. At this point in my journey, even my youngest daughter’s class is starting to look a little shaky...and they were born 6 years apart.

I have been going at this publishing thing now for so long, I’m starting to feel cursed. I’ve even started to entertain the idea that I might be in a Matrix-like existence, where my creator has stamped my life ‘never to be successful’.

For fear of sounding too dramatic…I offer my latest endeavor as proof. The service station closest to my house has a lovely guy behind the counter who talks to everyone. I mentioned my books to him around the same time a would be final year uni student Illustrator spoke to him about finding work outside of his course. An exchange of phone numbers and a meeting later, I offered the not-even-quite-finished-his-uni-degree student the chance to illustrate any number of my books (Take your pick). If his work was good, I said, I could see no reason to pay him less than I am paying my commercial illustrator in South Africa. I sent him an email to discuss terms and received a text back saying “Sorry, I’m having relationship issues at the moment and yeah, don’t feel like working on this ‘publishing’ thing yet. I’ll give you a call when I’m ready.” ‘Err, um, that’s not how job offers work…dude,’ I thought while promptly deleting all existence of him from my phone and email.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes I feel so cursed that I can’t even offer to pay a non-degree uni student full commercial rates to illustrate a book without failing! I can’t imagine when I was a young student, if a person offered to pay me full rates for the very thing I am about to finish studying, I would have passed!. As perplexed as I was about the encounter, I started to wonder why I continue to go on with my dream of publishing my books when the universe seems hell bent on getting me to stop.

Emotional Investment

Whether we stay in something, be it at a job we don’t like or a marriage were are not entirely happy in, largely depends on the emotional investment we have made. A lot of us might want to leave a relationship that isn’t giving us what we want, but we don’t because kids, property, lifestyle...the ‘emotional investments’ we have made means we will want to stay, even if we have doubts or are feeling not quite as fulfilled as we would like to be.

I have a tonne of emotional investment in my books. An absolute tonne of it. Which is good because the return on that investment is currently less than zero, actually it’s more like a giant hole in a dam constantly and painfully draining away every ounce of my resilience, but I have an investment in to none the less, so I persist.

If you want to pull yourself out of a slump, having an emotional investment in something else is one way to get the energy needed to lift yourself up and out. Having something to look forward to will help keep you going when you really want to give up. I keep going because I can’t wait for the proud look on my daughters face when I read my book to her class…unless it’s when she starts high school when that proud look becomes a look of sheer horror, but wanting to make sure it’s no later than year 4 is enough emotional motivation for me.

Life is precious

It might seem counter intuitive that I am spending so much time working when I believe life is precious, but it’s because I cherish every moment that I want to spend the time I have doing something I love, and I love the idea of building up my business and love the idea of encouraging kids to use their imaginations not their parent’s iPhone. It’s therefore, very hard to stay in a slump when I think that the time I am spending slumping, is time I could be working towards my dream. When you start to feel like a slump is near, focusing on what that slump will cost you mentally can sometimes help it avoid taking hold.

All slumps are temporary

Yes, I may feel pretty shitty at the moment being rejected by a student but…that’s not to say that I am going to feel this way tomorrow…or the day after…or the day after that. When I feel really slumpy, and I mean hard-to-get-out-of-bed-and-function slumpy, I pick a date in the future, say a month or so away, embrace my slump and count down the days till the date I have picked, knowing that by then my slump will likely be over. If I reach my day and still feel the same, I repeat. Slumps can’t last forever, even in Matrix-esque worlds. I could catch a break and things could change just as quickly upwards as they did downwards. My book might catch on and who knows where it could take me. I try to focus on the positives, a bit like dredging my way through a mud obstacle course knowing a hot shower awaits at the end.

Slumps happen to EVERYONE

By definition, Brad and Angelina should never have split up. They are one of the most stunning couples to ever get together with fame, family, money, property and the world at their feet. But even those with seemingly everything a person could ever want still experience everything everyone else does. Why? Because they are human. We think that just because they look perfect; their life must be perfect. But life is not perfect for anyone, no matter if you are Hollywood’s golden couple or a person on minimum wage. That’s why I am against fawning over anyone just because they happened to be born into wealth. Money doesn’t make anyone a better person, in fact money often makes people a worse version of themselves and it certainly doesn’t make anyone immune to the fact that we are emotional creatures.

Being in a slump is part of the normal cycle of being human. Sometimes you feel good. Sometimes you feel crappy. When I get down, I be the best down person I can be. I embrace it, safe in the knowledge that feeling down is just the opposite of feeling up and we are lucky that we can experience both. I'm really good at feeling bad. I'm also really good at feeling good. But with both, I'm acutely aware of the delicate balance between each. It helps to remind myself of this when I'm taking a bath in the complete darkness because I am hiding from the world.

Feeling genuinely mentally unwell

Being in a temporary slump is one thing, but if that slump starts to affect the way you fundamentally think and feel then it’s time to seek medical advice. I had a break down in my early 30’s. I thought I was just feeling a little slump-ish, until I couldn’t pull or think my way out of it. I remember one year feeling like Christmas was incredibly pointless and it kept getting worse until one day I stopped crying altogether, and then started crying in random places, like during presentations, without realising I was doing it. I needed professional help and medication.

If a slump feels longer than it usually does or you start to lose the ability to feel at all, seek medical help immediately. Help is always available and taken seriously now more than ever before. Don’t think it will just get better because there is a point where no amount of will is going to help. Believe me, I’ve been there. I didn't even realise I needed professional help, but once I got it, I saw a path through that I didn't think existed anymore. You can too, you just need to present yourself in person to any doctor and your new journey will begin. The GP doctor I saw took one look at me, bundled me in a cab to the Priory Clinic in London and into the care of a Psychiatrist. It took him 6 months to undo the damage I had done to myself, but I am forever grateful that I got the help I needed when I needed it.

Most of all, take care of yourselves.

Lee xxx

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fpdrl0324775 · 4 years

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Food Product Development 2

It has been a roller coaster ride this semester but… it is an interesting one. Who would have thought BS13 is ending the Degree life with such a UNIQUE experience hahaha! There’s no doubt that the pandemic has upended many lives (it still does), but I’m glad Malaysia made it through the dark days. Well, even for the worst happens, life still goes on. So, I really want to start off this by expressing my deepest gratitude to Dr Chong, the superwoman who always make the impossible possible. FPD 2 done online? Yes, we did it. 😊 It still feels so surreal that we have finally come to the end of these 3 years of an amazing journey. Life is so unpredictable!

This semester was all about adapting to our new study and research environments. At the beginning of the semester, I remember I was feeling confused, with the only thought stuck in my head was, “when will we be heading back to uni to really START the semester?” Since this is a module requires a lot of practical work to have things verified along the development process, but without the venue, resources and the people, will it still be the same? During the early stages, we started exploring a different kind of online software, utilizing the limited resources to work things out. This experience has reminded me of the power of the internet and there are literally so many ways to achieve through the online platform. On most days, we would rely on books, online journals, articles and reliable source to conduct our research. Through this, we also have to sort of “finalize” our gold standard and commercial product. In my opinion, this is a challenging stage for us as the ideas and information we pieced together just did not seem realistic since we could not get all the uncertainties verified through the practical session. There are also times where I would feel a loss of confidence in our work. However, thankful for my group mates, we were able to openly share our feelings and they were always there to encourage each other. These were also one of the little things that keep us going forward. On top of that, with Dr Chong’s support and careful guidance, we have made it worked!

Meanwhile, these whole online virtual classes have given me the privilege and freedom in better time management. Since I do not have to travel from one place to another to attend classes, I get to spend more time to do plannings, reading, and the freedom to take short breaks in between while still able complete tasks in a timely manner. From this, I learnt to take short breaks in between work because working from home (work + isolation) can be a little mentally draining for me at times and this system has allowed me to work in a more efficient way. Aside from time management, I have also improved my leadership skill which will definitely benefit me in my future career goal.

The two biggest challenges faced in this module are definitely communication and teamwork. At the beginning of this semester, everyone was still full of energy to this new norm, but over time, things started to slow down. There’s when I found communication became difficult for us, especially during our group discussion. Though I agree there is almost everything can be done online, but without the face to face discussion and the physical interaction, it has slowly become a hurdle for us to communicate with each other and sometimes you can't be sure what is happening behind the screen when the person is mute and not responding. It is true that technologies have made it easier for us, but at the same time, it could fail us so easily too. Certainly, to avoid further misunderstanding, the confrontation took place several times to understand what was happening from the other person’s end and most importantly, to avoid conflict arise. As time passed, the same problem surfaced. Without the proper group discussion, we are lack of ideas, constructive opinions and the ability in group decision-making and it was the toughest to get through. During difficult times like this, encouraging, spreading positivity is a must to motivates the team! 😂 Regardless, I am super grateful to have all my teammates to continue pull through this together. And we made it! Thinking about how we made it through just tears me up inside. I love all of them to death!! 😭❤️

Though we did not get to experience the journey of this module the same way as our seniors did, but we sure did get to enjoy our very own special and unique experience this time. Cheers to our lecturers, Dr Chong, who never failed to guide and inspires us, and all the effort being put into this is beyond amazing. Well I know I’m not the best when it comes to talking 🙊, but I hope BS 13 will remain this relationship and still goofing around in the future. ❤️ I'm blessed to be part of this happy family.

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the-bounce-back · 4 years

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THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES PART III - CONFIDENCE IN STARTING OVER

This is post 3/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

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I know… this is insanely overdue. But this time I have a valid reason, I promise.

The purpose of this part of the Confidence™ series was (and still is) to discuss and learn how to eliminate feelings of insecurity, fear, anxiety and situational depression that can arise from trying to pattern a major life change. Namely, those changes that you just know are going to reshape your whole future from the moment it’s set in motion, and completely tear you out of your comfort zone.

Believe it or not, when I started planning this series what feels like eons ago (April? May? Who even knows anymore), I had an extensive plan about how I was going to discuss how I found the confidence to completely start over - twice - and how much it has made me feel better about myself in all aspects of my life for overcoming it all. I was so pleased with myself in regards to how I was going to tie in this post to my post about overcoming my crippling anxiety that came with moving back to London earlier this year (read it here anyways, it’s good stuff), and I had even almost finished the post.

Ok, that’s a lie. But I had come a little more than half way.

However, I was forced to delete all my delightful anecdotes and clever little reasonings about my growth from forcing myself to move back to the UK and eventually back to London to be happy (I don’t count moving to Sweden or Nottingham as sTaRtInG oVeR because I didn’t choose it for myself… all tea/shade/offense intended), because something very unexpected ended up happening.

Basically, the job that I moved to London for - my *~dReAm jOb~* - ended up not being at all what I wanted. In fact, it ended up putting me in a much worse place mentally. I could go into detail about what exactly happened at that office but it’s honestly not worth the energy - I recently quit on the spot, packed my load and went home the same day, and since then, I’ve been unemployed.

So - what does this have to do with this post?

After having some time to regroup and pattern my emotional and mental adjustment to this new situation, I realised that a lot of the coping mechanisms I used to get through other life-changing predicaments in the past were also applicable to a major life change that didn’t necessarily involve the stress and drama of relocating to another country or city. In addition to this, I also realised that the more I put myself in not so ideal situations - such as unemployment - the better I get at handling myself in these situations, and the more able I am to stay calm and collected while I’m trying to figure out my next step. In other words - it would have been wrong to submit this post about navigating a large change in my life, all while excluding a currently ongoing major life change… if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway - all you need to know is that this post will discuss how to find the confidence, mental resilience and energy to go through a complicated life change, eliminating the fear of failure during the whole project and understanding that while everything might not go to plan, you will be okay at the end of the process. I will draw examples from my two big moves, as well as my ongoing situation to illustrate my points.

So, without further ado, if you want to know how I’ve been able to confidently navigate a few of the hardest times of my short life with (most of) my sanity intact, do keep on reading.

1. Identify how badly you want to/need to make a major change in terms of your mental health.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d never downplay someone else's mental and emotional turmoil… but if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably have a mini meltdown at least once a week over something extremely minor, in which you dramatically declare to yourself that you are leaving and never coming back. Last time this happened, I was pissed off because McDonald’s hadn’t given me any sauces for my nuggets.

A tragedy? No (yes).

A reason to uproot my whole life and move to Indonesia? Depends on how you see it… but I’m going to go with no.

The point I’m trying to make is that you need to evaluate your current situation in depth, assess what about it is making you feel like a major change is needed, and see if there are any less drastic solutions that can help you through that rough patch.

In my case, even after analysing the situations in hindsight, I genuinely believe that there was no other option for me in either of the cases. I’ve touched upon how I never really felt at home or like I belonged in Sweden; therefore, moving back to the UK for uni and meeting new people that were more on my wavelength ended up being a massive boost for my self-confidence and sense of belonging. In terms of moving from Nottingham to London, I had a massive back-and-forth with myself if it was really necessary; I considered changing jobs and moving further away from areas in the city that constantly reminded me of my ex, but in the end, I decided that cutting Nottingham out of my life altogether was the only way I could allow myself to heal. Finally, with my former job, I considered firming all the stress until I’d either a) pass the one year mark so it’d look better on my cv when I quit, or b) tough it out until I got promoted and would get a massive pay rise so that the stress would be worth it. Needless to say, I opted for neither.

The common denominator here is that I thoroughly evaluated the situations in terms of the toll they were taking on me, and made a decision based on that. I’m a firm believer that once you prioritise your mental wellbeing over everything else - and do all in your power to keep your mental peace - self-assurance will inevitably follow, simply because knowing what you will or will not put up with is the first step to becoming more confident.

2. Eliminate fear.

Please don’t get me wrong here. It is one million percent normal to fear the unknown and hesitating to venture out of your comfort zone. We crave stability, comfort and familiarity to have a calm and peaceful life. But trust me on this - forcing yourself to ignore the alarm bells in your head and resisting the temptation to not go through with the change will be the best thing you’ve ever done.

It’s definitely no secret that there are so many of us out there that hate our strict routines, go to a job we hate every day, and are made to feel worse by our peers who seem to be having the time of their lives on social media (spoiler: they probably aren’t). However, we choose the dullness and boredom over making a change, because we’re afraid of instability and uncertainty in life. I even used to be like that, because I got told at a young age that education and career stability are two of the most important things in life, and that venturing away from them will severely damage my prospects for my future career.

This is true, to a certain degree - but I decided that my own happiness needed to start taking priority over my fear of being unstable. In other words, I decided that my own well-being is and always will be my main priority in life, regardless of the situation.

Once you make that commitment to yourself - and really mean it - I promise that you will discover confidence you probably didn’t even realise you had. When you look at your life and realise that you’re not being the happiest version of yourself, you’ll want to do everything within your power to change this - regardless of how scared you are.

In my case, this was especially true when I was working in Nottingham and first started considering moving to London. I was absolutely terrified that I was going to be moving to one of the most expensive cities in the world without a 100% guarantee that I would be financially stable, and for a long time my fear of both financial and emotional uncertainty made me try my best to see the positives with my current situation, and to find an excuse to play it safe.

However, as you can probably imagine, I got tired of lying to myself and pretending to be content with my situation. You can only run away for your feelings for so long, and in the end me forcing myself to stay somewhere where I was no longer happy just made me even more emotionally drained. In other words, the fear ended up inflicting more pain and stress than actually getting my sh*t together and organising the move when I first had the idea to leave the city behind.

I want you to remember that part. Letting yourself stay in a distressing situation because of fear will only stagnate and depress you in the long run. I really, really hope that this testimony gives you the kick up the arse that you need to take control of your future and emotional state.

Another approach to fear is to not eliminate it, but to embrace it. This, in the sense that my fear of living with regrets is infinitely larger than my fear of living in uncertainty. The thought of making a “safe” decision now, and then 10 years down the line finding myself obsessing over loads of different “what if…?” scenarios that could’ve happened if I had just been brave enough, makes me incredibly anxious. In this case, I welcome the fear, because it takes on the role of a motivator.

The bottom line is that you (most likely) won’t die from living in uncertainty for a while. However, you have to develop the confidence that everything will turn out fine in the end. Which brings me to my final point…

3. Understand that although things may not go to plan, life has a way of figuring itself out.

If you by any chance are already considering going through the process of starting over (if so, kudos!) and have devised an immaculately detailed plan on how to succeed, I’m here to tell you to rip it out of your notebook, scrunch it up, and slam dunk it right in the bin. Honestly. You could have the whole process planned down to the minute, and still, something will go wrong. And that’s okay.

I used to be an extreme control freak that would immediately feel anxious when I didn’t know what was going to happen, and if things didn’t work out as I had envisioned it in my head I’d go into full meltdown mode. However, the more I make these major life changes, the more I understand that part of the beauty of it is letting things work out as they should, at the exact right time that they should.

Allowing things to fall into place naturally - as opposed to trying to force the result that you want - empowers you to get used to adapting to difficult situations that may arise. Learning to adapt is heavily built on accumulated experience over time from other difficult situations. Having this experience with a variety of differing predicaments allows you to be able to proceed with confidence that everything will turn out okay no matter what happens - and having the fact that everything will be fine in the back of your mind can give your anxiety and overthinking brain a well deserved break. Furthermore, allowing your brain to have this chance to relax gives you even more confidence.

You see how all factors come full circle? This is because we are not meant to try to manipulate the process. Attempting to control an unpredictable situation is what leads to stress and anxiety in the first place, and - at least in my case - when efforts to force a certain result end up failing, it takes even more of a toll on your confidence levels. I start obsessing over the how/why/where/when I went wrong, just bringing negative energy into my own life for no reason - trying to justify it by telling myself that I’m trying to LeArN fOr NeXt TiMe. There is a huge difference between analysing a mistake and criticising yourself with hurtful and negative thoughts - the latter being a massive killer of confidence.

Instead, allowing things to flow naturally and observing pain points during the process while keeping a calm and collected mind makes you more resilient to recurring problems - which in turn gives you confidence to take a leap of faith when needed.

With these three points in mind, along with a genuine drive to succeed, I can guarantee that pushing yourself to start over won’t feel as terrifying and daunting. Once you’ve established why you need to make a major change in your life, what needs to be done to achieve it and have a clear vision of how this project is going to benefit your mental health (or whatever aspect of your life that you want to make a change for), pushing through the hard times of starting on a completely clean slate will be infinitely easier.

That’s right - it is going to be maddeningly hard at times. There will be times where you will want to give up, and try to convince yourself that your current situation isn’t so bad, after all - because let’s face it, these kinds of changes are hard work. However, as the cliché goes - nothing worth having comes easy, and that also applies to your peace of mind and happiness. I genuinely hope that anyone reading this that is considering starting over completely - whether that entails moving jobs, cities, or even countries - can use this post as a reference point, and as a reminder that everything will turn out just fine.

Put it this way - if I can navigate two major moves and two major career changes while trying to pattern my then near crippling anxiety, then I have no doubts whatsoever that you can find the confidence and resilience to make whatever changes you need to make to improve your mental health.

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #Empowerment #confidence

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aspire-to-the-light · 6 years

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Executive momentum 4: Sticky positive loops

(Previous)

Some positive feedback loops are fairly temporary, ephemeral, transient things. I go to judo, so I feel good about that and ready to be productive, so I work and get into flow, so then work feels less aversive and I tick off some tasks fairly quickly, and it’s awesome. But then it’s midnight so I should sleep, and when I wake up I’m no longer in my post-exercise focused-and-good-feeling state, I’m just in a sleepy-morning-state. So that’s a reset on my loop, back to square one, and whether my day goes well mostly depends on whether I have a good start and get through my morning routine efficiently or I lie in bed for a few hours scrolling social media.

Other positive feedback loops are fairly big and concrete and permanent. I went to a good school, which motivated me to get good grades, and my good grades made me feel good about school which made me more motivated to get more good grades, and then those helped me get into Cambridge, which makes me much more likely to get a job that I enjoy, and that’ll probably have positive effects that last for the rest of my life.

There’s a lot of stuff in between that I’m calling sticky positive loops. They themselves might be temporary, but they make it easier to have more positive feedback loops in future.

Home-base building is full of sticky positive loops. I have a really good day and get a whole bunch of work done, and I notice that one of the things that helped me get all that work done is that I was listening to inspiring music all day. So I take my tab manager (Toby) and insert into my open-these-tabs-every-morning-as-you-start-your-day box (currently containing my google calendar, emails and slacks I should check, RescueTime, my sticker chart, etc) a tab for a YouTube playlist of inspiring work music.

Sometimes this turns into a simple positive feedback loop; I set that up, so the next day I remember to listen to inspiring music and I get even more work done, and the next day I get so much work done that I have time for looking into some gmail mods to make it easier to handle emails, so then email is much less hassle and I have more time for getting work done, and life just keeps getting better.

More of the time, this is a large-scale process that happens in the background.

My individual days might be good days, where I get up in the morning feeling good so I eat a good breakfast and get straight on with work so my mood lifts and I get more focused and make all my appointments on time and never get distracted, or bad days, where I sleep through my alarm and then feel anxious and guilty about that and lie in bed playing on my phone for hours before I realise that I’d be less useless if I ate some breakfast and got some blood sugar and then spend the rest of the day hyperfocusing on rewriting my grocery list.

But in the longer term, my ratio of good days to bad days is increasing, as I build up more and more of my home base - more inspiring music playlists, more easy snacks within reach of my bed, more alarm clocks placed on the other side of my room, more habits of putting my phone out of reach of my bed before I sleep.

The thing about a positive feedback loop, that distinguishes it from just Good Things Which Are Good, is that it accelerates. The more good days I have, the more tasks I get done, the more data I have on how-I-best-get-tasks-done and the more time I have and the less stressed I am, the more I can build up my home base.

I notice ridiculous acceleration, when I build up a new home base.

At first, I’m massively stuck in negative feedback loops. I haven’t got any food because I don’t know where the shops are, I can’t google where the shops are because I’m not connected to the wifi, I’m not connected to the wifi because I don’t know the password, I haven’t gone to ask anyone for the password because I don’t know anyone yet, I’m not exactly focused on making friends because I’m cold and hungry and miserable, I’m cold because I haven’t unpacked my blankets yet, and I’m not packing because I’m busy sitting on my suitcase crying about all of the above and feeling decision-paralysed about what to fix first.

I get lost on the way to my doctor’s appointment so I miss it, so I feel guilty and mad at myself and don’t get my ADHD meds, so I’m even more disorganized, so I miss more appointments, so everything goes down the drain.

Things reverse as my home base builds up. It takes me a couple of weeks to fix the basic problems, but once they’re fixed, they’re fixed. Once I know the wifi password, I search for the shops and then go buy food, and then I’m not hungry so I’m a lot more cheerful, so then I feel more able to go say hi to people, and then one of them shows me how the microwave works, and I very rapidly go from “eating enough and not-dying is a full-time job, sorry” to just doing the self-maintenance tasks on autopilot.

At this point I’m usually still feeling fairly crappy about work, because I haven’t done any yet, and I’m anxious about it all. But then I do some, and that makes me feel a little better and sketch out a better idea of what my next steps are for work, so then I get a bit more done, and then I feel a bit more engaged with the work and so it’s less aversive to do a bit more. This process takes a bit longer, but it’s basically the same as the basic needs, in that once the problems are fixed they’re fixed. Once I’ve gotten stuck in enough to the work that I know my next steps and I have routines and habits, it’s fixed. I might not become a perfect work machine, but I don’t fall into “starting work is aversive because I’m not quite sure what to do and I don’t have a good workflow routine yet” traps.

Only once so far in my life have I hit the stage where I just got my routine work done on autopilot, and then was feeling really good about getting all my side projects done, which gave me more and more energy to successfully complete more and more side projects. It lasted for a couple of years and it was awesome. I worked sixteen hour days every day, starting when I woke myself up at 5am to do press-ups and sit-ups for an hour before school, and working sixteen hour days felt normal and comfortable and easy and routine.

It lasted until I lost my home base, because I moved, and then I became someone for whom eating and sleeping and getting enough extravert points was a full time job.

Of course, all of this is reliant on positive things being stickier than negative things. Sometimes I have bad days where I'm not-focused so I do distracting stuff and then I’m even less focused, but those days end and I sleep and then there’s a new day. On the other hand, when I have good days, there are lasting effects - I have a good day where I get a bunch of stuff done, and some of the stuff I get done is stuff like “set up my extra monitor”, and then it’s easier to get stuff done the next day, and so I get more stuff done, and some of the stuff I get done is “automate some of my inbox-processing work”, and then I have more time to get more stuff done.

I can imagine being a person for whom the world was more like... when I had good days I would be on a productive streak, but then those days would end and I’d sleep and go back to being unproductive on the next day. On the other hand, when I had bad days, there’d be lasting effects - I’d miss a uni deadline and get involuntarily put on an academic mentoring program that wasted my time, or I’d shout at people and lose a friend, or I’d give in to the temptation to install social media apps on my phone and then fall into distractions again more easily the next day. If that was the case I’d be doing the opposite of what I am - instead of trying to build home base, trying to get as many Hard Resets as possible.

I do think you can bias it towards positive things being stickier, though. You can get resets that interrupt bad loops but don’t interrupt good loops - exercise, taking a shower, meditation, anything that feels productive and keeps you in flow and doesn’t break work-mindset but does help when you’re feeling distracted and unfocused and guilty.

You can also pay attention to asymmetries between positive and negative feedback loops. If you feel more guilty-about-not-doing-tasks than you feel proud-of-doing-tasks, that’s something to fix. If failing at tasks means you get behind, but succeeding at tasks doesn’t mean you get ahead because you treat the extra time like bonus time and waste it, that’s something to fix. If it’s easier to start on a negative feedback loop than a positive feedback loop because the easy-default-action is a negative-loop thing like scrolling social media, that’s something to fix.

If home base accumulates faster than problems accumulate, then eventually things will become good. Provided you don’t reset your home base and have to start from square one again. Do not take your home base for granted; the sticky notes on your fridge, reminding you to buy milk on Tuesday, might be all that stands between you and a negative feedback loop leading straight to hell.

(Next)

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practisealways-blog · 6 years

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New beginnings

03/12/17

So following my most recent term at dance school (and all that went on during) I have decided to start a blog-type-thingy.

I know Tumblr doesn’t really class as a ‘blog’ anymore because there’s so many fancy websites etc but this is all I know and I don’t want it to get too regimented.

The last 11 weeks have been so draining. I began the term happy, healthy, excited, full of energy, in a lovely long term relationship and just generally feeling okay. - Of course I had insecurities about starting a new dance school; worried about my standard compared to everyone else’s, that I wouldn’t fit in, I wouldn’t make friends, and don’t even get me started on my weight/shape. It all completely terrified me, but with the help of my few friends, boyfriend and parents I managed to put all that doubt behind me and walk in with open arms and just decided to take as much as I could from this experience as I’d never get another chance like this to study somewhere so incredible again for the rest of my life.

And so the first term began, obviously freshers was hilarious. Being 20 (almost 21) going out with a sea of fresh faced 18 year olds was brilliant. I’d never been interested in that side of going out. I always had a small group of people I’d go to festivals/nights with and then for a bottle of wine or few beers with after work on a Friday, but I was never a fan of the nightclub scene. But getting stuck into all of this was a part of my ‘new beginnings’ plan to make new friends and fully submerge myself in the Uni experience.

It wasn’t until our year was levelled and put into our sets that I made the most beautiful friends. I won’t name them, but my god we’re a bunch of misfits. All completely different, funny, beautiful, caring... Honestly I would be lost without them. I know they say you make your friends for life at University and I honestly thought it was a complete over exaggeration but I could grow old with those losers. - So that’s been a lovely part of the experience.

I’ll keep the next bits brief because I’ll just get upset otherwise.

The things that have gone wrong;

- My auntie is still terminally ill and I feel like I spend every day waiting for the worst possible outcome.

- I found out one of my friends tried to commit suicide after years of suffering depression. Luckily she was okay but I wish I’d known so I could have tried to help.

- I have moved house 6 times in last two years and twice in the last 4 months. Once from an overpriced one bedroom flat in Battersea to a shitey house share in North Greenwich to save money with my boyfriend, and then this last time which only happened a few days ago. I’ve just moved into student halls.

The reason I have had to move into halls is because I have recently split up with my partner of 3 and a half years. - Honestly it’s been the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done and every day I’m regretting my decision but I just have to know what it’s like to be on my own.

We always had a fantastic relationship. I mean everyone has their struggles, jealousy, long distance or even just pathetic small arguments, it’s super normal. But we just didn’t seem to have that on the same level. I always trusted him, he trusted me, we were happy. I was living in mid Wales with him until he moved to Hastings (4-5 hours away) for a job. THAT was difficult. We’d meet up every few weeks for a day or two and then we’d have to say goodbye again. As painful as that was, I think at such a young age (17-18) it was really good for us. It prepared us for adult life of living together and being independent. And we always made it work.

Now fast forward a bit, my god we have been through some shit. Two pregnancies (one early miscarriage and one abortion) living together for 2 and a half years, bills, money problems, loans, debts... You name it? We’d done it. In the last 6-8 months we both knew it hadn’t been the same. Decline in intimacy, no holidays or treats, no date nights, no real laughter or conversation. It was just all ‘what are we having for dinner tonight?’ and ‘have you paid the council tax?’ Now 16 year old me would have never thought I’d have been uttering those words at aged 20. I’d completely lost myself, and so had he. We had become suckers to the whole ‘depressive London life’ thing. Two young people working 40 hour weeks for minimum wage. Horrendous. It only got worse, too! Up until now we’d always blame our problems on something else. Our home, our jobs, our money... anything at all. But at the end of the day I think we both knew it was us. In the past 10 years I’ve only been single for 7 months. Yes, that’s right. At 20(!!!!) I’ve always been in a relationship, and I’d never fully experienced the whole ‘independent and free’ thing. Also while I’ve been having the time of my life (even though it’s stressful) at University, it really put things into perspective of how shite things were at home.

I still love and care for him with every bone in my body, but for me to develop as a young woman, I feel like I need this. It’s not an excuse to go out and sleep around as that’s the complete opposite of who I am and what I stand for, but I just need to know that I (and him for that matter) can live independently and be happy by myself for a while. It’s that old saying ‘you need to make yourself happy before you can make anybody else happy’ and I completely agree with that. I haven’t been happy with myself for a long time and I need this opportunity to find who I really am and learn to love myself. - The first step is putting myself back into counselling for my depression and anxiety (which is slowly ruining my life, but that’s another story for another day) and I’m already proud of myself for doing that as I haven’t been able to speak to anybody in years after my last doctor betrayed me.

But anyway, I’ve gone COMPLETELY off topic. Basically I’m just taking some time out from my normal comfortable routine to be a better me. He fully understands that and as much as he’s heartbroken too, he’s being a gentleman and completely respecting me for my decision and is being so wonderful and caring (which obviously makes things a lot harder) but there’s a lot in this post that I haven’t said about our relationship because some things are better left private so it may seem like I could be overreacting or something but it’s so vague I hope whoever’s reading this understands that.

ANYWAY x2...

I apologise that this is so long and probably not interesting at all, but I already feel SO much better writing all of it down. I’m going to try and make these blogs as versatile as possible so it’s not all just doom and gloom when I’m having a low day. I’ll try to post progression photos and videos of my dancing from time to time and keep updating my journey of self love with my body/mind/soul etc.

I honestly don’t know if ANYBODY will read this, and perhaps nobody ever will, but if you ever find yourself in the deep dark corners of Tumblr and you’re reading this and you fancy a chat... Please don’t hesitate. Whether you’re a fellow dancer or just somebody who feels like they could be in the same sort of headspace as I am right now, just pop up and we can help each other out.

Smile, and whatever you love doing, keep doing it.

Never let that fire in your heart fizzle out.

Practise happiness, practise peace, practise your art.

Practise, always.

R x

#blog #new #dancer #contemporarydance #my life #personal #progression #emotion #art #thoughts #heartbreak #help #feelings #insecurities #love #always

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