#trying not to sound like a bitter atheist in this post

[voxpraxis]

lately i've been... idk if you can really call it "debating" but i've been interacting with some muslims in the comments of an instagram reel in which a young girl was speaking to a young boy (i want to emphasize that they are both children) and telling him that she wasn't allowed to speak to boys until she was married, because her parents and her religion said so. the boy was sad but replied with something like "oh, alright" and the caption & comments were all talking about how "sweet" the situation was. i commented that i didn't think it was sweet, and actually that's a horrible thing to put in a child's mind. the post never directly mentioned islam and neither did i, but everyone who's been replying to me is proselytizing islam, so. anyway, these are the points that have been thrown at me so far:

it's not wrong because both genders are forced apart from each other

in response to me saying it still enforces an extreme divide between genders and encourages them to see each other as opposites rather than equals: the separation is necessary to prevent rape

there is no rape in islam because of the separation between men and women, rape only occurs in western society because men and women are not separated (...because apparently we cannot expect men to not rape women unless they're physically kept away from them at all times)

rape does not happen between family members, it's just not a real thing, ever (incest doesn't exist?)

if you're interested in a girl you should marry her immediately, because dating leads to cheating

men and women cannot be just friends because "islam and science and psychology says so." one guy said it's because "women can't talk about cars and sports"

(i also got called a simp for saying i have female friends. can't make this shit up)

in response to me pointing out that what the girl is saying implies that she won't have any say in who her husband is: arranged marriages are better because they always work out and unlike western marriages, they never end in divorce! (i'll give you one guess why that is.)

similarly, single parent families and suicide are solely western problems

men and women are NOT equal

i need to shut up and respect it because that's their religion

islam cannot be questioned because islam says islam is true

and that's not including all the personal insults and threats i've received, in just a few days.

i will say this is one of the least challenging "debates" i've ever had, in the sense that almost no point brought against me has any logical foundation and is easily refutable. but it's one of the most frustrating because the problem is that they won't hear me at all, because islam teaches its followers to never consider anything else. it teaches them to accept exactly what they are spoon-fed as the ultimate truth. and this is by no means a problem exclusive to islam, but islam does this kind of control better than any other religion i know. people raised into islam are not taught to think in any logical terms - in fact, they're deliberately taught to avoid thinking logically. logical fallacies are the rule. so not only can they barely form a coherent argument in favour of their beliefs, but they have absolutely no clue how illogical they sound sometimes. when i point out a lapse in logic in something they've said, the response i get is "no, that's true because islam says it's true." no other explanation required. at least, i've sometimes heard people of other religions attempt to use logic or science to prove their beliefs, but with the muslims in these comments, those are unnecessary things to be absolutely avoided - it's like they don't even understand why i'd bother to use them. you can't use logic to get through to them because they've been taught to avoid logic and cling to the mantra of islam-is-true-because-islam-says-so.

#trying not to sound like a bitter atheist in this post #i mean i'm not an atheist lmao #but it's very hard to speak critically against islam without feeling like an asshole #because of the leftist climate that condemns criticizing islam #for the record and i speak the same way against christianity #all ideologies must be subject to criticism #ex muslim #ex islam #ex christian #antitheism #antitheist #anti religion #op

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I went into the post office today still thinking about rather dark things. I was in a lot of pain, of course, so maybe it had gotten me in a mood.

Recently I found out that my brother has said horrible things, only horrible things, “never a kind word” about me to my one actual friend. She seemed amazed at how nasty he was. Maybe more hurtfully, he’d been telling her to never help me. I need to learn a lesson, you see, be punished for being a failure. Obviously I’m not trying hard enough, and if I can only suffer enough I will fix myself….

Yeah, I dunno either. My brother has been a painful mystery with his harshness for a long time. My parents worried, but were no more able to know what to so than I am. **What do you do to deal with a mindset that can be cruel, full of resentments, threats, and bitterness, that sees all the world in terms of enemies and battles? He actually lectured me once for not “hating properly”. It seems exhausting and sad.

Anyway, I limped in feeling upset with myself as much as hurt by my brother. After all, I am broken obviously. I work so hard for nothing, make no progress in anything. I feel lazy if I even rest when I hurt so much I’m crying out in pain, so when I’m accused of being lazy I find it too easy to believe.

So what happens? Oh, I get asked a out my day, so I start telling. And I laugh explaining why one of my hands is covered in something blue, why my injured finger resembles a cherry Tootsie Pop, why there are twig all in my hair, why my shirt has flour on it and I smell of spices, etc….I mean, it was just an ordinary enough day by my standards.

And so the wide eyed lady starts telling me how amazing I am. (The only compliment to seem more off base was my high school art teacher saying I was the coolest person in the school! LOL) She tells me I have a heart of gold. (Yeah, really! LOL)

She said I was one of the most beautiful people inside and out. (I resisted laughing, but it was hard)

She tells me I must stop taking care of other people all the time, and take care of myself. (Um, most of what I do is survival…you know, taking care of myself)

She tells me I deserve to take a day every week to pamper myself, just take a day off. (Not gonna happen, when my work is survival)

She tells me she is making it her mission before the end of the year to do a make over of me!

Actually that last one threw me the most. First off, a make over suggests I was ever made to being with!

It’s sweetly meant, but ridiculous. Nice as it might be to wear makeup once in my life, I can’t say I am keen on my being a living doll to be made up to someone else’s aesthetics. She insists it will change my life and everyone will be shocked by how beautiful I actually am, which is obviously absurd. Playing dress up can’t change a life, and no one will EVER think I am beautiful. And, even if I DID like whatever look, I sure as hell don’t have the time or money to mess around keeping it up, especially when my only audience for it would be the animals!!!

Then came the religion. Oh, she tells me, god knows how good I am. That’s why god keeps blessing me…

Um, if this is being blessed I’d hate to see what cursed is like!

And so she goes on about how everything is possible with god’s will, how faith like mine is rewarded, and on and on….

I’m not a christian. I’m agnostic, bordering on atheist. But I know how this goes. I live in a teeny town in the bible belt. You smile. You say thanks when they bless you or pray for you. You are grateful for the emotional intent. You never ever debate them or roll you eyes or…

And then an older woman came in, one that texts me when the weather seems dangerous. I haven’t seen her in person in years. Her health is rough, but her husband has never recovered from covid so he’s been hospitalized forever.

She sort of let me know she was hurt I didn’t always text her back. I try to explain my phone, which sounds feeble, and the post master jumps in to explain how busy I always am….And I ask about how she’s doing and her husband so everything is fine again.

A very strange thing happens. The woman is having some sort of questioning god moment. She’s using all the local language about praying and blessings and so forth, and the suddenly says: “But I keep wondering. I mean, a whole airplane full of hundreds of people, and it crashes. Was it REALLY the time for ALL those people all at once?!?”

She’s upset so you can tell it is getting to her, and the post master who is likewise religious thrown for a second, trying to think what to say from the grab bag of quotable they keep ready….

And I speak up. I tell her, well, thousands of people die every day, so why couldn’t many be in one place. And thousands are born too…

And so on.

I was doing the “well, if there is a god then couldn’t it logically work like this…”!!!!!

FFS, I, a skeptic to very bottom of my soul, was actually trying to soothe away the doubts of a believer simply because I don’t want them to be upset!! I was making the argument for religion because I felt she needs it, but what right do I have to decide that?

How presumptuous of me!

I should have said nothing I guess. Let the two religious women talk, see if the one unshakable could say something the one shaken needed to hear. But she was upset and what I said comforted her, and I never lied to her. I never mentioned god or spirits or any other mumbo jumbo. I just said a sort “ if this, then that” that I hoped help.

But it bothers me I jumped in like. I just encouraged someone to believe something I think is bullshit (not the “every day many people die” thing, but the “supernatural forced decide” implied part), and most likely have led them to believe I share their religion (which, to be fair, around here EVERYONE assumes about everyone else anyway). Hypocrisy and dishonestly about my beliefs are anathema to me and this comes perilously close.

So, today I went into the post office in a funk about myself, had a conversation that gave me an undeserved ego boost, and left in a funk again!!!

**I want to be clear about this, my parents were kind and generous people. Oh sure, they had their fill of frustrations (more than their share in Pop’s case) and anger, but it was never aimed like a weapon. They never wanted to hurt people, but to help them. His failing and mine are our own, mixed with “injuries” inflicted by the world beyond our home.

I know most folks blame their parents, usually understandably, but there are limits what even loving, smart, and well meaning parents can do when the chemistry of a child’s nature comes into contact with volatile parts of society . Boom. Explosions. Implosions. Everything changes and sometimes the results are poisonous.

#my day #conversations #peopling #me #socializing #religion #I have no idea how to tag this!

[hotchley]

sjdjsk HAHA thanks for the confirmation sweetheart, now I'm going to call you that in almost every ask just because you're such a sweetie 🥺❤️❤️❤️

also, thank you 😭 idk i still feel that i didn't study as much as i could've, which, is entirely on me and my incredibly short attention span lmao (possibly due to undiagnosed mental illness??? 🥴 i guess we'll never know!) but it's fine I'll just work harder for the next set of exams 💀

ooo I'll be checking in on your writing blog then!! I'm sure whatever you decide on will be really nice hehe

don't worry about university (okay maybe you should but like temporarily,, don't) — things will work out!! (yeah that's my life motto: things will work out, even if things get shitty.) you'll eventually find a place where you're happy about, but maybe sometimes it's time to take a step back and take a breather for a while. i love you and believe in you!! all the best, my dear ❤️

also,,, because i saw someone commented on the ask-post:

unfortunately i can't do anything else to change my grades because where i am (singapore) exams are more of a one-off done deal kind of case.... there's sometimes graded assignments in between exams so we can get our grades up a little, but there's no such thing as extra credit.... :") so my only real hope is to really start mugging for the next set of exams (my "promos", as we call it here, because it's the last set of exam for the school year aka we will be getting "promoted" if we pass this school year 🥴) which are like,,, 50? 60?% of my entire final grades for this year so..... yeah. that's a big oof.

and yes! i got the Pfizer vaccine! in Singapore, youths under the age of 18 can only take the Pfizer vaccine, and anyone older (18 up) can choose between Pfizer and Moderna (all these are done by choosing which vaccination center you go to for your jab when you book your appointment — the webpage shows whether the center offers Pfizer or Moderna so people can choose, but obviously for those <18 y/o we have a more limited selection of vaccination centers)

i took the shot yesterday (roughly 15? hours ago) and so far my only symptoms are my arm is kinda sore but i took the day off school anyways just to be safe zzz

planning to go watch some comfort drama and then catch up on the lectures & homework i haven't completed today 🥴

i hope everyone's taking care and being safe!! and sumayyah, i trust that you'll find a suitable university, and i am sending you love & good vibes!! I'm kind of an atheist but I'll be hoping and kind of praying for you to get into a good, suitable, safe and fun university, darling! 🥺🥰❤️❤️❤️ take care okay!!

🌙

OH MY GOODNESS! In my novel, Camilla and Tristan do the whole "two rivals have nicknames for the other that they use to be patronising and bitter, until they're not patronising and bitter" and Tristan's one for Camilla is sweetheart.... the world is a magical place <3

... Is there any way to get that checked out? Just because it is something, there's likely medication or help you can get!!

Yay! In case anyone else was wondering (which I doubt) it's @sumayyahwritesthings

Thank you <33 I think I needed to hear that. Exactly! I'm like: things are going to work out because they have to because I won't believe otherwise, and I'll just do my best and that's all I can do, but then my parents will say stupid shit, and the school will be like: PERSONAL STATEMENTS! And I'm like: ummm.....

Oh no, that sounds really stressful and not fun :((

Ahh okay! I'm still waiting :( Like on the one hand, I'm glad I'm not a priority group because that would've been unfair to the older and vulnerable people, but on the other hand I'm just like: when is it my turn? Like here is my right arm, jab me!!!

That sounds like a good plan!

Aww thank you <3 that's very encouraging!! I think that's also my fear- that I'm going to make the wrong decision, but... there's always a gap year, and transfers... that also means a lot to me, I love you! <3 No promises, but I'll try <3

#people talk to me #🌙anon

[thelightsjustflickered]

Facebook Repost

Yoyo, this is the post I made to Facebook. I wanted to get a lot off my mind, and shouted it out to my friends and family.

All my youth, I was told that I had to watch and be studious and faithful. That if I wasn’t careful, I could “lose my faith” and fall into “unbelief”. Anyone who knows me, knows that God, the Church, and Christianity as a whole have played a large role in my life. I joke about the time I was a “mime missionary in Japan” and have told stories about how I proudly proclaimed that I would “rather burn in Allah’s hell, than forsake the name of my Lord, Jesus Christ” when I was asked to think that there was a possibility that my faith was unfounded. I believed in God’s power and holiness, studied His word, argued about the young age of the earth, prepared for his (soon) second coming, and felt that my “close-mindedness” was a “badge of honor”.

In the last decade, I’ve stopped to really ask questions about my faith. I’ve contemplated the miracles I witnessed, asked questions of issues I took with sections of scripture, called out to God a number of times, and made a sober inventory of my faith, as it stands. The thing is, even with instances where God specifically singled me out, and left me alone without solace; I still have a belief that He is everywhere. Even while I contemplate actions He took in scripture, and have a hard time understanding why a Holy God would do such things, I believe His ways are above man’s ways, and ultimately, I’ll never understand. When I called out to him in my time of need, and was given no help, I can only see that as Him “quietly helping me through a greater hurt” so that I could make it through the trouble on my own. What I was taught by the elders at my church growing up was wrong. Faith can be strong. It can be a built-in foundation that an entire worldview can be constructed upon, and even terrible, unknowable things will not be able to erode that foundation.

And so, this is where I am. Currently stuck. In the worst of both worlds. It’s not an issue of me not having faith in the God of the Bible. I believe He’s there, it’s more so the “Why” He does/has done the things He’s done. My mind can make no excuse for him, and that drives me to a place of bitterness and hate. I hate God, and I hate Christianity. I believe He exists, but I do not worship him in any normal manner. He has earned my hate: hate for what he’s done in His Word, hate for what He’s done around the world, and hate for what He’s done to me. A common misconception that Christians have about Atheists is that Atheists hate God, and that’s why they choose not to believe. No. They don’t believe in God. There is literally no one for them to hate. I hate God, and I envy atheists for not believing what I do. I see a petty, manipulative tyrant who’s overt actions can’t be defined by me as “holy”; and whose inferred actions can only be described as narcissism and coercion on a maddeningly cosmic scale.

I used to go to bed as a child, worried about demons, and the anti-christ coming to power. I’d be terrified by the end of the world, and about all the other things that I was told were real. I would take communion, terrified that I was doing something wrong, or that I had forgotten a sin to confess and would be doing it “in an unworthy manner,” and would “be guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord.” I would worry that I had accidentally blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and would be destined for unforgiveness and Hell. I would see other believers connecting with a force I couldn’t see or feel. I would be the only one not speaking in tongues, or not “slain in the spirit”. I’m not bragging. I’m not trying to show my “Christian Cred”. I’m just explaining why this is such a deeply entrenched issue I am, and have been, dealing with.

This isn’t a new development in what I’m dealing with. I’ve had these thoughts and concerns for years now. I’ve been working through my feelings, and “talking with God” to try and gain some kind of understanding. Needless to say, He is still the same, not taking my calls. I’m stuck with not being able to read scripture, because it only reminds me of how it’s been used to control me and oppress others. I can’t go to churches because I know I can’t intrinsically trust pastors or other members of the faith. Most importantly, I can’t trust God; and I find His actions (all of them) to be inexcusable to the point of hatred. So what does this mean for how I view Christians?

I still (technically) identify as a Christian. I have all the same faith beliefs that matter (according to my faith), but the reasoning behind those beliefs is mired in my bitterness. As stated, I don’t go to church, don’t read scripture, and don’t actively seek out other believers. Does this mean I hate all Christians? No, not really. I just hate most of them. I find Christianity’s need for cultural, political, and personal domination (something I stood for and tried to advance) to be heinous. I have no intrinsic belief that I should trust a person claiming to be a Christian over a member of any other faith, and I find the Church’s persistent mewling cries of “persecution” at every obstacle or resistance to be asinine at best. Again, I don’t hate all Christians, just the bad ones… If you’re reading this, and you’re worried about my views on you as a person, don’t be. The whole feeling can be summed up as a “love the sinner, hate the sin” kind of mentality.

In all honesty, I’m trying to move past the issue and clear out the spiritual trauma tied to my faith. That really does mean leaving my faith though. If that sounds drastic, or “not the thing to do”, I know. It’s not a simple choice I’m making. It’s a decision I’m losing sleep over. I’m literally dealing with a “Poop or get of the pot” type situation regarding my faith. And it’s hard (going back to what I started with) because my faith IS so ingrained in me. I’m tearing up a foundation that is slowly killing me. It feels like I need a specialist, or like a workbook to go through or something. It’s a hard decision to make, but I need to be free from my faith.

As always I’m okay. I’m not crying out or anything, just working through what I have going on in a more open space. This isn’t really a ploy for attention, or a way to get sympathy. I’m not really looking to argue with anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings (I am willing to discuss in more detail, or answer questions). Although, if anyone knows an exorcist... I have this dude who’s been in my heart for 30-ish years living rent-free ^_^.

Addendum: there is one pastor that I looked up to who may be reading this. I want you to know that I hold no ill will against you, and that at a time when I started to feel disconnected from my church, you were the only person, in spiritual authority over me, that treated me with kindness; and for that I thank you.

#ex christian #apostate #losing my religion #ex evangelical #fuck the church #tags are fun

[auberginesdonthavelimbs]

Phanniemay Day 3: Grave

Word count: 1290

TW: discussion of death/bereavement 

(part 2, part 3)

“Hey, Sam,” Danny said softly, bending down to add the small stone in his hand to the pile on the ground. He noted, not for the first time, that his was the only stone that had been added since his last visit. It made him feel guilty for staying away so long.

“Uh, it’s been a while, I know. I’m sorry.” He laughed. “I make it sound like I’m going to confession. Which would be weird for an atheist talking to his Jewish wife. I don’t imagine you know how many Hail Mary’s I’m supposed to do for … whatever it is you do Hail Mary’s for.

“I guess you want to know what I’ve been so busy with. I’ve been … traveling, I guess you could say. I’ve, well, I’ve been in space a lot, actually. I’m kind of an astronaut now.” He laughed again.

“Don’t get too excited, though. It’s not as prestigious as it used to be. Anyone who wants to can pretty much go to space now. Well, not anyone, but it’s a lot easier. It’s practically a regular 9-to-5, just with more post-graduate requirements.  

“I’m still doing physics, but it’s a lot more applied. We’re building - ‘we’ is the government - an O'Neill cylinder, basically. It’s a variant design, but the same idea. It’ll be operational in less than two years, barring unforeseen disaster. Soon it literally will be that anyone who wants to can go to space. And in a couple of generations, who knows? Maybe living on Earth will be the weird thing.”

Danny looked around, noting the ever-present haze. He had to remind himself sometimes that it hadn’t always been like this, that he used to be able to see for miles and miles on a sunny day. That was the world that Sam would remember. He felt suddenly tired, and he took a seat next to the grave.

“You were so right about everything, Sam. We ruined the planet. ‘We’ is corporations, mostly, and the governments that didn’t stop them. I did what I could, Sam, I swear. I kept going to protests and giving speeches. I really tried. But things didn’t change fast enough.

“It’s not really getting worse now, at least, so I guess I’m grateful for that. But I just can’t help but think of the space habitats I’m helping to build as some kind of futuristic tent camp for refugees from a dying planet.” Danny could hear the venom in his voice, and he took a deep breath, trying to push away the bitterness. “It’s exciting, it is. I’m excited to get to see and be a part of humanity’s foray into space. But it sucks that it’s out of necessity instead of, I don’t know, scientific curiosity or something.” Danny was quiet for a moment, lost in thought.

“Welp,” he said suddenly, clapping his hands together, “that’s enough being depressing. I think I told you last time that my friend Emilia had a little daughter, Ivy. Well, Ivy is all grown up now. Emilia’s doing great, by the way. We keep telling her to retire, but she says that no one else can run the restaurant. She’s right, too.

“And Ivy is a dancer. She played football for a while, but it wasn’t really her scene, I think. She loves being the centre of attention. She’s crazy good, won a ton of awards. And she’s friends with Ember. Ember’s back in the music scene in a big way. It’s incredible how quickly humans have warmed to the idea of living side-by-side with ghosts. Especially after … no, I’m not being depressing right now.

“I was talking about Ivy and Ember. Ivy is in, like, all of her music videos, and I think they went on tour together, too. It seems like they’re always together. Honestly, I think they might be more than friends, but I’m not going to say anything. You taught me to stay in my lane.”

Danny smiled, remembering a time when he had embarrassed himself - and several other people - at a party by saying something that was really not his business to say. Sam had chewed him out pretty thoroughly, and he was a lot more careful with his words after that.

He owed a lot of himself to her. All her life, she was always making him a better person. He liked to think that he had had a similar effect on her, but, in all honesty, he could hardly remember anything bad about her. It was probably just rose-tinted glasses, but, as far as he could tell, his wife had simply been perfect.

“You know,” Danny said thoughtfully, gazing into the overcast sky, “I always used to think of you when I went into space. I remembered stargazing with you. Do you remember? I would tell you about new discoveries in astronomy, and you would make up new stories about the constellations because the old ones were ‘too patriarchal.’” Danny chuckled, but he realized that his eyes were wet. “Why did we ever stop doing that? I loved your stories.” Tears started to roll down Danny’s cheeks. He considered brushing them away, but his hands stayed in his lap.

“Anyway, I used to think about that all the time, but now I practically live among the stars. It’s just my everyday. So, now, I think of you the most when I’m on Earth, looking at the daytime sky. It’s a different colour now, but still familiar. I think about hiking with you, and going to protests, and that period when you decided to learn how to paint landscapes.” Danny shook his head. “You told me not to, but I kept all of those early paintings. I think I’ve already told you that. I still own our house, and I turned one of the sitting rooms into a gallery for your art.” He thought for a moment. “Yeah, I definitely already told you that. Sorry.” That kept happening. Even though he hadn’t been here in twenty years, he was still repeating himself. Did he really not have anything new to say?

“Uhm, what else …? Vlad is doing pretty well, I think. He’s still doing engineering. Actually, we’re kind of in the same field. He’s working on a zero-g irrigation system or something like that. So, space habitation stuff, too. But I haven’t been seeing him as often as I used to. He’s  … different. Not bad, just … I don’t know. He only ever spends time with ghosts, and the way he talks about humans … it’s like they don’t matter to him. Not individually, at least. He thinks I’m making a mistake by spending so much time with humans. And I get it, I get that he’s protecting himself, and trying to protect me. I have to watch the people I care about die, and it never gets easier. But I can’t let that stop me from making human friends.” Danny placed a hand on the ground, about where Sam’s heart might have been if her body hadn’t long since decomposed.

“I mean, where would I be if I hadn’t married you? Losing you hurt, a lot, and it still hurts.” Danny took a slightly unsteady breath. He was crying again, and, again, he made no attempt to wipe the tears away. He watched a few teardrops soak into the ground. “But I wouldn’t trade our life together for anything. It was so, so worth it. I love you. I’ll always love you.” Danny’s voice cracked, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t need to speak. He just sat there and cried, and then he stopped crying, and then he just sat there, and he didn’t get up for a long time.

#danny phantom #phanniemay #phanniemay19 #danny fenton #amethyst ocean #fanfic #phandom #my writing #you know i never really shipped amethyst ocean #but for this story it just seemed appropriate #also i'm not jewish and i don't know any jewish people #i don't really know how the rocks on the grave thing works #and i don't know if there's anything about burial customs #or anything else to do with how the dead are treated #that i messed u or should have mentioned #if i did mess up anything please tell me #i will fix it

[realitiesinpurple]

Entry #1

It’s ridiculous how uneasy I feel writing here again. I have to convince myself this is just a medium, it has no power over me, and all the negative feelings I used to have won’t come back to the surface just because they’re attached to memories of Tumblr.

Because I used to have a Tumblr, I used to have several actually, and used to be here all the time, everyday. It consumed me.

I grew here, healed wounds, understood the world and met myself for the first time in what felt like centuries. I was still a child, and I grew up with the belief each and every one of us seem to have: I am special.

And the truth is that, yes, we are special. All of us. We’re unique and similar in so many ways. We’ve all been broken and judged. We are valid.

I think, in many ways, Tumblr, or the community at least, made me feel like I belonged. Like I wasn’t as messed up as everyone had me believe. But I crossed a line here as well, which is why I left: I allowed myself to believe I couldn’t be held accountable for my misfortunes.

Because it’s so easy to blame that one friend who betrayed you, or the dad that abandoned you, or the boy who broke your heart. It was really comforting to come here and have others validate my victim-hood and tell me that it was okay to continue to self destruct instead of grow up. It was also really easy to ignore those who told me I did, indeed, need to grow up, because a stranger on the internet agreed with me, so I must be right. But if someone criticized me, I was being oppressed, and they didn’t understand because they had never walked a day in my shoes.

And to be completely fair, I needed that. I needed to hate the world to stop hating myself. Sometimes, I still do, because, again, it’s so easy. You see, seeing the bright side is hard. Getting up every day being grateful that you’re alive is hard. But it does get easier with practice.

Before Tumblr, I was under the belief that I was not worthy of love. That all the bad things in my life were my fault and that I sometimes did not even deserve to be alive. My little sister is the age I was when I used to have these thoughts, and the thought of someone so young feeling this way breaks my heart. I look back at my younger self and I want to promise her everything is going to be okay (spoiler alert: everything turns out fine, and she’s happy!). But I suppose, I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t been that person to begin with. That sad little girl in too much pain for her little body to handle.

Then Tumblr came along and I was... I was real. I don’t know how to explain it, but meeting all of you, reading your stories, watching your shows, laughing at your jokes... I felt alive. Better yet, I felt worthy of being alive. And it wasn’t instantaneous. It took me a while to get there, and look at myself in the mirror and realize I was beautiful. It took some convincing to realize it’s okay to like girls AND boys?? My mind was blown. 

But you see, I still had a lot of hatred and a lot of pain and a lot of bitterness. And I had to forbid myself from hating myself if I wanted to survive. So instead I hated all the people who had contributed to my pain. And the people who had contributed to other people’s pain! I had so much hate to share with the world, I bullied complete strangers because they had somehow hurt my friend’s feelings, instead of letting my friend fight her own battles.

And when someone was depressed, like I was, instead of encouraging them to fight through it, to get better, I approved of their self destruction. Sleep deprivation and unhealthy habits were just coping mechanisms, right? It’s funny because we’re all depressed here! Haha!

Because admitting they needed help meant I needed to admit... I needed help.

It was so much better to romanticize the toxicity I shared with the world. Forgiveness and love were weakness. Punching your way through life was the right way to go.

And don’t get me wrong, I needed to punch as hard as I could. I had no agency in my life and I needed to feel something, and if it was anger and resentment, so be it. It was better than being numb or depressed.

But then I grew up. I know, shocking. Suddenly I was an adult. I still can’t believe it. I had to leave Tumblr when I realized not only was I surrounding myself with toxic people. I was a toxic person.

No longer was this a place to empower myself. It was a place to excuse my behavior. It was an open door to hate.

And to be completely honest with y’all, hate is exhausting! No wonder I was tired all the time!

And yes, I still have depression, I’m not neurotypical at all lol

But I’m better. I’m not 100% and I’m not earning gold medals for being the greatest human to ever live. But I apologize when I mess up and I try not to mess up. I’ve found “judgy” friends who call me out on my bullshit and I love them so much for taking care of me in such a sassy way instead of telling me the world needs to revolve around me.

I’ve realized love is not something to be disgusted at or to fear and it’s honestly not as scary as I thought it could be.

I realized I can be funny without hurting others in the process. And that sometimes it’s okay to be a little “offensive”, too. (Yes, little sister, you are correct in saying you shouldn’t have bleached your hair and I’m not gonna tiptoe around the subject trying not to hurt your feelings. If you don’t like it, find a way to fix it. And I agree, I don’t like it neither!)

I also learned that after having a really negative experience with one religion, later becoming a stubborn atheist, and slowly starting to become a little more spiritual, it’s really not that silly to believe in something you can’t see if it makes you happy and helps you get through your day.

I learned to tell the difference between needing a mental health day and being lazy. Yes, I still take mental health days! But I also work my ass off on days when I have the potential to have high energy. I force myself to do one dish and end up cleaning the whole house and feel so proud of myself! But I don’t belittle myself when I can’t get out of bed, because I know that if I really can’t get out of bed, I need to stay in bed and recover, so the next day I can get shit done.

Also I flirt now, which is weird/new. Sometimes just for fun, sometimes with a purpose. Sometimes I flirt with myself, which I highly recommend everyone do because it is incredibly empowering!

I pay my bills on time and I treat myself without feeling guilty. Though to be completely honest with you, I was blessed with a job that I love, that pays me more than enough and rewards my hard work and competitiveness, so I’m always making extra when I earn it. But I know when to stop taking those extra shifts to have a family day, or go out, or simply lie in bed and read. Yes, I don’t have it as hard as most of you. But if I look back at 3 years ago, I was begging for Paypal donations just to survive. So I have to say, it does get better.

I live in an apartment I could have never even dreamed of, and it’s still a little empty, but I get excited over the smallest things. Like getting a new dish rack! Or new purple towels!

And against all odds, I’m actually happy going back where it all started. I visit my family and I tell them that I love them, but I don’t let them hurt me anymore.

I say no when I need to. And encourage myself to say yes to trying new things.

I wear colors now, even if they don’t match, and I wear sneakers on high heel days. I follow a skincare routine, even though I was one of those girls who would judge and envy girls with skincare routines. And I’m trying to eat healthier.

I lost weight and I cook now. I sing at the top of my lungs to the great disappointment of my next door neighbor. And I dance in my underwear even though my other neighbors can see me from the building across the balcony (I still haven’t bought curtains). Seriously, no regrets.

So, Victoria, you may ask, now that you’re doing better, why are you back? Nostalgia? Regret? To rub your stupid happiness in our faces?

To be completely honest, I’m here because it’s where I have to be. It was part of my journey all along. And I owe it to my younger self.

Do y’all remember that famous post about that person saying that when everything was okay, they would bake a cherry pie? And then they posted a photo of the cherry pie?

This is my cherry pie, I guess. This is me telling myself and any of you who may feel the way I used to, that it gets better. And I know younger me used to get so tired of hearing it. “Believe in yourself! It gets better! You’ll get there!” And it sounded like the biggest bullshit in the whole world. I had never actually met anyone who got better, to be honest. All the people who were saying it gets better were people who were just as depressed or worse than I was. We were all just trying to convince each other to believe in something none of us believed in.

Well, you know what? I’m glad you guys told me it would get better. I’m glad you pushed and pushed until I believed it. Because it’s the friggin truth. I’m the living proof that it gets better. And the more you believe that you can somehow tell the universe that you are ready to get better, to be better, to feel better, and that the universe will listen, the more it listens. I kid you not.

And I’m not even done getting better. I’m just getting started...

[automatismoateo]

A Sincere and long overdue apology from a Christian because the truth is you're right you are absolutely right via /r/atheism

A Sincere and long overdue apology from a Christian because the truth is you're right you are absolutely right

Hello for those of you who don't know me I've been thinking about posting this for a long time but this was such a complex and important subject to me that I couldn't figure out how exactly to put the emotions and things that I feel into words, but I've realized that you know If I don't start this now I probably never will. Before you close off from my post I'd like to respectfully ask that you take the time to hear me out and offer your opinion, if I offend you at all please DM and voice your

concerns. I am open to absolutely any criticism. Now some context I'm a Christian that started lurking around this sub because I wanted to get a different perspective because I saw very early in my faith and church-going that there was a certain culture around atheists as sort of a stereotype, that they all were atheists because they struggled to find spirituality or because they were wronged by their church and were bitter because of it, and so I wanted to find out if that was

truthful or not and I saw so many posts detailing their experiences with religion how the people that they interacted within the faith were unhelpful and toxic towards them how they refused to be accepted for who they were or even listened too, I am sorry if this sounds melodramatic but that horrified me it screwed me up for a while because I looked at my group of genuine believers and while they had flaws (we all do) it was nothing like what you described so I at first thought that

these people weren't genuine Christians because they were so bigoted and arrogant but the truth is, I can't claim that I'm not like those christians or the rest of those christians and I can't claim that your expirences with christiainty were from fake christians, I won't claim to be the one true scottsman because I will admit I am guilty of some of the things that you dislike about christianity, mainly being complacit in a coorperation that wasn't a church but rather an enterprise

initiative that prioritized taking the word of god, and twisting and using it to prey on innocent people that just want acceptance and are met with hatred and being told that no matter who they are they are unwelcome in a place that is supposed to be welcoming, so that being said I would like to offer my apology, to every atheist that was ostracized rather than listened to and perspective taken into account, to every LGBTQ person that was disowned and ridiculed because someone used the bible to justify their intolerance of you, to every person who was hurt by

someone identfying with my faith and to whose familes have had to endure hard things because of It I am so so sorry, I know I can't apologize on behalf on someone else words are meaningless in that sense to everyone who has lost opertunities legally and in other areas because of your lack of beleifs , I just want you to know that I really am sorry. And no matter how much I may think otherwise your experiences inform your actions no matter what so if you chose not to

accept my apology or be skeptical I completely understand you have every right to be more than concerned about the state of the institution that is American Christianity and the megachurch, I'm not trying to sound preachy but Jesus told us that the house of the Lord had become a house of thieves and peter told, Jesus that people would monetize the make

merchandise of his teachings and that is exactly what is going on today rather than be a community where people share there experiences discuss said experiences and use the lessons from these experiences to live a spiritual life it's a cooperation that focused on making people afraid, on using scripture to coerce people to make contributions financially so the pastors can maintain their lifestyles of lavishness, and ostracize those that don't, promote skepticism towards

proven science, doctors, and chemists who are putting all the effort in trying to mitigate this pandemic, promote the cutting off of people different then you in religion and opinion, force genuiene pastors and people who worship, to put all the effort towards expensive music and glamor and glitz all for the sake of being more appealing rather than genuiene worship, promote

pro-life agendas without romoting concern for social welfare and healthcare and just compassion for othrers not because they genuienly see moral implications that are wrong with taking a human life because they want to use the church as a political platform to further there own political agendas that have nothing to do with scripture or spirituality but just for their own

financial gain send missionaries to christian majority countires not because they want to share somethign that's important to them and to their lives, but because they want clout and because they want to prey on people's vunerability and they do all that without actually going to economically troubled areas or even attempt to understand the beleifs of another culture. Promote the capitol riots as an expression of rebellion against some sort of tyranny when in reality

it was an assault on freedom and democracy that allows people to express their opinions freely without persecution from the government, the same freedom that allows me to freely be a Christian, so really this is self-incriminating, I just believe that the church today has deviated so far from what it was originally intended to be just grassroots spirituality with respect for other

religions and beliefs but ultimately that's not the most important issue is that it is such a prevalent barrier to cooperation for a better world and just understanding and coexistence for other cultures and humanity I want to stop this and at least speak against it but I know how especially given that there's a little tiny voice in my head saying you're just a teen so I'd like to respectfully ask where do I start?

Submitted January 25, 2022 at 09:42PM by Schnee5Whiteout (From Reddit https://ift.tt/3tVEFNX)

#reddit

[thirstyforred]

a lot of bold the statement things with Nam that i found in my drafts

elemental tag

RULES: Bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations [or modern au here]

AIR: I have small hands • I love the night sky • I watch small animals and birds when I pass them by • I drink herbal tea • I wake to see dawn • The smell of dust is comforting • I’m valued for being wise • I prefer books to music • I meditate • I find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE: I don’t have straight hair • I like to wear ripped jeans and overalls • I play an organized sport • I love dogs • I am not afraid of adventure • I love to talk to strangers• I always try new foods • I enjoy road trips • Summer is my favorite season • My radio is always playing

WATER: I wear bracelets on my wrists • I love the bustle of the city • I have more than one set of piercings • I read poetry • I love the sound of a thunderstorm • I want to travel the world • I sleep past midnight most days • I love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • I rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • I see emotions in colors not words

EARTH: I wear glasses • I enjoy doing the laundry • I am a vegetarian or vegan • I have an excellent sense of time • My humor is very cheerful • I am a valued advisor to my friends • I believe in true love • I love the chill of mountain air • I’m always listening to music • I am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER: I go without makeup in my daily life • I make my own artwork • I keep on track of my tasks and time • I always know true north • I see beauty in everything • I can always smell flowers • I smile at everyone I pass by • I always fear history repeating itself • I have recovered from a mental disorder • I can love unconditionally

BOLD WHAT APPLIES TO YOUR MUSE. (ITALIC IS FOR MODERN AU SETTING!)

Body

Long legs. Short legs. Average legs. Slender thighs. Thick thighs. Muscular thighs. Skinny arms. Soft arms. Muscular arms. Toned stomach. Flat stomach. Flabby Stomach. Soft stomach. Six-pack. Beer belly. Lean frame. Beefy/muscular frame. Voluptuous frame. Petite frame. Lanky frame. Short nails. Long nails. Manicured nails. Dirty nails. Flat ass. Toned ass. Bubble butt. Small waist. Thick waist. Narrow hips. Average hips. Wide hips. Big feet. Average feet. Small feet. Soft feet. Slender feet. Calloused hands. Soft hands. Big hands. Average hands. Small hands. Long fingers. Short fingers. Average fingers. Narrow shoulders. Broad shoulders. Average shoulders. Underweight. Average weight.Overweight.

Height

Shorter than 140 cm. 141 cm-150 cm. 151 cm to 160 cm. 161 cm to 170 cm.171 cm to 180 cm. 181 cm to 190 cm. 191 cm to 2m. Taller than 2 m.

Skin

Pale. Rosy. Olive. Dark. Tanned. Blotchy. Smooth. Moles. Acne. Dry. Greasy. Freckled. Scars. Birthmarks.

Eyes

Small. Large. Average. Grey. Brown. Blue. Violet. Pink. Green. Gold.Hazel. Doe-eyed. Almond. Close-set. Wide-set. Deep-set. Squinty. Monolid. Heavy eyelids. Upturned. Downturned.

Hair

Thin. Thick. Fine. Normal. Greasy. Dry. Soft. Shiny. Curly. Frizzy. Wild. Unruly. Straight. Smooth. Wavy. Floppy. Cropped. Pixie-cut. Afro. Shoulder length. Back length. Waist length. Past hip-length. Buzz cut. Bald. Weave. Hair extensions. Jaw length. Mohawk. Dreadlocks. Box braids. Faux locks. White. Platinum blonde. Golden blonde. Dirty blonde. Blonde. Ombre. Light brown. Mouse brown. Chestnut brown. Golden brown. Chocolate brown. Dark brown. Jet black. Ginger. Red. Auburn. Dyed. Thin eyebrows. Average eyebrows.Thick eyebrows. Plucked eyebrows.

Tattoos / Piercings

Full sleeve. Thigh tattoo. Neck tattoo. Chest tattoo. Back tattoo. Shoulder blade tattoo. One tattoo. Face tattoo. Hand tattoo. A few here and there.Multiple. No tattoo. Monroe piercing. Nose piercing. Septum. Nipple piercing(s). Genital piercing(s). Industrial piercings. Earlobe piercings.Prince Albert piercing. Eyebrow piercing(s). Tongue piercing(s). Lip piercing(s). Top of the ear. Tragus piercing. Angel bites. Labret. Stretched out ears. Navel piercing. Inverse navel piercing. Cheek piercing(s). Smiley. Nape piercing(s). No piercings.

Cosmetics

Eyeliner. Light eyeliner. Heavy eyeliner. Cat eyes. Mascara. Fake eyelashes. Matte lipstick. Regular lipstick. Lipgloss. Red lips. Pink lips. Nude lips. Dark lips. Bronzer. Highlighter. Eyeshadow. Neutral eyeshadow. Smoky eyes. Colorful eyeshadow. Blush. Lipliner. Light contouring. Heavy contouring. Powder. Matte foundation. Shiny foundation. Concealer. Wears war paint from time to time. Wears make up regularly. Wears it from time to time. Rarely wears make-up.

Scent

Floral. Herbal. Earthy. Fruity. Perfumes. Aftershave. Cocoa. Moisturizer. Shampoo. Cigarettes. Leather. Fur. Sweat. Food. Incense. Marijuana. Cologne. Whiskey. Wine. Fried food. Blood. Fire. Metal. Rain.

Clothes

Jeans. Tight pants. Overknee socks. Tights. Leggings. Yoga pants. Pencil skirt. Tight skirt. Loose skirt. Tight/Form-fitting dress. Cardigans. Tunic.Blouse. Button up shirt. Band-T-shirt. Sports-T-shirt. Sweatpants. Tanktop.Cut off t-shirt. Designer. High street. Leather jacket. Thrift. Lingerie. Long skirt. Miniskirt. Maxidress. Sun dress. Tie.Tuxedo. Cocktail dress. Highslit dress/skirt. T-shirt. Loose clothing. Tight clothing. Jean shorts. Sweater. Sweater vest. Waistcoat. Khaki pants. Suit. Hoodie. Harem pants. Basketball shorts. Boxers/Boxer-Briefs. Thong. Hotpants. Hipster panties. Bra. Sportsbra. Crop top. Corset. Ballerina skirt. Leotard. Polka dot. Stripes. Glitter. Cotton. Linen. Silk. Lace. Leather. Velvet. Patterns. Florals. Neon colors. Pastels. Light colors. White. Black. Dark colors. Fur/Fauxfur. Revealing clothing. Heavy armor. Medium armor. Light Armor.

Shoes

Sneakers. Slip-ons. Flats. Slippers. Sandals. High heels. Kitten heels. Ankle boots. Combat boots. Knee-high. Platforms. Stripper heels. Bare feet. Loafers. Oxfords. Gladiator shoes.

CHARACTER STATS

(bold all that applies. italicize leaning. strike former.)

WEALTH  —  [fck, i now have to write full post about my Aen Elle hc’s?? because this section was werdly hard]

$  financial.  // wealthy /  moderate  /  poor  /  in poverty ✚  medical.  // fit / moderate  /  sickly  /  disadvantaged /  disabled  /  not applicable ✪  class.  //   upper / middle-working /  poor  /  slave  /  unsure ✔  education.  //  qualified  /  unqualified /  studying  /  other ✖  criminal record.  //  yes, for major crimes  / yes, for minor crimes  /  no  / has committed crimes, but has not been caught yet

FAMILY  —

◒  children.  //  has one or more children /  has no children /  wants children  /  verse dependent ◑  relationship with family.  // close with sibling(s)  /  not close with sibling(s) /  has no sibling(s)  /  siblings are deceased ◔  affiliation.  //   orphaned  /  adopted  /  disowned  / raised by birth parent(s) /  not applicable [i mean... elves]

TRAITS  +  TENDENCIES  —

♦  extrovert // introvert // in between ♦  disorganized  // organized // in between ♦  close-minded  //  open-minded //   in between [Tir na Lia is so much diffrent place] ♦  calm  // anxious // in between ♦  disagreeable  // agreeable //  in between ♦  cautious  // reckless  //  in between ♦  patient //  impatient // in between ♦  outspoken  //  reserved  // in between ♦  leader  // follower // in between ♦  empathetic //  indifferent  // in between [she got a bit more empathetic in Witcherlands] ♦  optimistic //  pessimistic // in between [more like realistic] ♦  traditional  // modern // in between [what does it even mean here?] ♦  hardworking  // lazy  // in between   ♦  cultured  //  uncultured  //  in between   ♦  loyal  //  disloyal  //  in between ♦  faithful // unfaithful  // in between [there’s no faith - only Spiral]

BELIEFS  —

★  faith.  //  monotheist  / polytheist  /  atheist  / agnostic  / it’s complicated ☆  belief in ghosts or spirits.  //  yes /  no /  don’t know  /  don’t care [would be hard to fight with them if she didn’t believed in ghosts] ✮  belief in an afterlife.  // yes  / no /  don’t know /  don’t care ✯  belief in reincarnation.  // yes /  no / don’t know / don’t care ❃  belief in aliens.  //  yes /  no  /  don’t know  /  don’t care [more like invanders from other worlds] ❀  philosophical.  //  yes  /  no  /  sometimes

SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION  —

❤  sexuality.   /  heterosexual /  homosexual  / bisexual /  asexual  /  pansexual /  demisexual /  questioning ❥  sex.  //  sex repulsed  / sex neutral  / sex favorable ♥  romance.  //  romance repulsed  /  romance neutral / romance favorable [there were two (2) guys in her long, long sluty live] ❣  sexually.  // adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced  /  curious  /  inhibited ⚧  potential sexual partners.  //  male  /  female  /  other  /  none  / all ⚧  potential romantic partners.  // male / female /  other  /  none  / all

ABILITIES  —

☠  combat skills.  //  excellent  /  good  / moderate /  poor  / none ≡  literacy skills.  //  excellent /  good  /  moderate  /  poor  /  none [Nilfgaardian and Elder Speech are rubbish, and how even come up with Common?..] ✍  artistic skills.  //  excellent /  good  /  moderate  / poor /  none ✂  technical skills.  //  excellent  / good /  moderate /  poor  /  none

HABITS  —

☕  drinking alcohol.  //  never  / sometimes /  frequently /  to excess ☁  smoking.  //  never /  sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess ✿  other narcotics.  //  never /  sometimes /  frequently  /  to excess [fistech is a thing for a reason...] ✌  medicinal drugs.  //  never  / sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess ☻  indulgent in food.  //  never  /  sometimes /  frequently  /  to excess $  splurge spending.  //  never  /  sometimes / frequently /  to excess ♣  gambling.  //  never /  sometimes /  frequently  /  to excess

Negative OC Traits

Bold always or almost always applies. Italic occasional or situational.

aggressive | arrogant | authoritarian | bitter | brutal | callous | cannibal | careless | cold/cold-hearted | compulsive | controlling | corrects others constantly | cowardly | critical | cruel | delusional | demanding | disillusioned | domineering | envious | emotionally stunted | greedy | grim | guarded | hard | harsh | hypocritical | impatient | impolite | intimidating | irritable | kidnapper | lazy | liar | lustful | materialistic | mean | merciless | messianic | mistrusting | murderer | narrow-minded | obsessive | opinionated | over-bearing | over-critical | over-emotional | over-thinking | patronizing | proud | remote | repressed | rigid | rules with an iron fist | ruthless | sarcastic | self-righteous | self-indulgent | serial killer | taciturn | torturer | touchy | traitorous | unsympathetic | unpredictable | uptight | vain | vengeful

#witcher oc #witcher namrevlis #i succ at making gifs #but it was fun doing these #thirsty vs dziki zgon

[womanwiththepoppytattoo]

My spiritual revelation

7.5.20

I am at my dad's house. He asked me to come take care of him for a couple of weeks. My dad is 70 and has Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, which is terminal. He has declined sharply recently. He looks like he has aged 10 years in 6 months. He is gaunt and weak. My caretaking consists mostly of cooking foods he can eat and coordinating his medical care. We are all preparing for the end, including him.

I didn't have much of a choice about coming to stay with him. It was inconvenient. Being here is pretty awful in a variety of ways. I'm trying to make the best of all the empty time by doing the mental work I need to do, and there is a lot of it. I am straddling the past, present, and future. The past, my trauma, is always present; like a complicated knot I am working out strand by strand, loop by loop, processing everything that happened in the past two and a half years. The present is dealing with the waves of grief; exploring the relationship I have now with Rey, which is distinct from the relationship we had while we was alive; and clarifying how my resistance to certain dogmas and paradigms is legitimate and valid. The future is figuring out what I am going to do with what has been revealed to me.

The past, what he did to me and how it broke me, is too much to write in a single post. So I'll skip to the present: The waves are spaced out farther now, but they still come. I still miss Rey sooooo much, even though I should be used to it by now, even though I shouldn't miss him at all after how awful he was to me. I miss him in my life because I can allow myself to miss him now. It is safe to miss him now. But the version I miss is informed by recent events, the Rey who only could ever exist after he died.

What I refer to as "the interventions" began the day after his ashes arrived at my house, one month after he died. Sometimes, they are dreams. Sometimes I ask a question and "hear" the answer in his voice. Sometimes, something I've asked him for comes to me through someone else (usually his brother Antonio), who has no idea I've asked for it. They are always answers to my questions or requests. After the first intervention (when I asked Antonio what Rey would say about something, and a few minutes later Rey himself answered me), I started asking him directly. I light the candles and I rest my forehead on the urn and I talk to him. My first request was for him to help me believe in him. When he left last year, and before he died, I lived through 9 months of intense, lonely, mostly secret grief in which I dreamed about Rey almost every night. I never had a single dream during that time in which I felt that he loved me. But that night I had a beautiful dream in which the trust and closeness between us was intact. Whether he sent the dream, or sent me that feeling, which my mind interpreted in the dream, either way, it came from him. He was trying to set right the damage he had done. I know this is easy to dismiss as a grief-induced illusion. I am a lifelong skeptic and atheist. Intellectual honesty, integrity, and courage are among my primary values. As much as I might wish I could delude myself with a pleasant and harmless fiction, that is exceedingly difficult for me to do. But there have been enough of these interventions now, and they have been vivid enough, to convince me.

The most important of these interventions was a revelation that came to me at 4 a.m. It came to me pretty much fully formed, a new understanding (to me) of consciousness and the universe. In the days that followed, I processed and analyzed my revelation. It made sense and answered all of my questions, and I could find no logical flaws in it. In fact, I have subsequently learned, there is a lot of science, as well as other kinds of evidence, supporting this kind of concept of the universe and of consciousness. As I’ve mentioned, I am an atheist. I’ve always considered myself entirely non-spiritual, a materialist in the metaphysical sense. Materialism, the idea that consciousness is generated by and limited to the brain and dies with it, is basically unquestioned among the scientifically-minded in our culture. I had my theories about how consciousness might exist after the end of biological life, but they were materialistic theories (think AI etc.)  I believed in love and empathy, but considered these to be biological imperatives that evolved for our collective survival. These ideas have been turned upside down by what was revealed to me, which is more aligned with (what I now know is called) metaphysical idealism, the opposite of materialism.

I am going to copy here an excerpt from what I wrote in my diary that day, when it was fresh in my mind.

May 12

This is not easy to put into words, but I must, before any of it slips away. I was struggling yesterday. Feeling so alone with all of this, and no one really seems to care. Rey's sisters and mother have been posting to their Facebook stories recent pics of him that they got from some so-called girlfriend and no one shared them with me (after I shared all of my pictures with them), which really pissed me off and made me feel excluded, once again, from his life. I've been trying to hold onto the dream he sent me as proof that he loved me and was here with me. But I wanted more. I asked him to visit me again and help me believe he was here with me, that I mattered, that he loved me. I woke up once with [song title] in my head. But no dream. I woke up again after 4, still no dream. But I felt his presence. I lay there and my thoughts took a turn. I thought about consciousness persisting, interacting with us.... I had a revelation, its roots lost in a drowsy fuzziness. Our spirits persist. What falls away is our separateness, our individuality, our pain, our ego. And without those things, there is nothing in the way of connection, unity. This is the Divine. That feeling you have when you love someone and trust them completely, when their happiness is your happiness and their pain is your pain - the feeling I had with Rey before, and in the dream - that is 2 fragments of the Divine temporarily, imperfectly, coming together. It is literally a slice of heaven, because after we die, we are connected to everyone that way. ....The second part of this revelation was that this connection doesn't begin when we die. We are already connected - but our separateness, our physicality, makes it really difficult to perceive. But this separateness - life- is our gift to the Divine. Our lives are what eternity is made of....we bring our experiences and our unique selves to the whole. My connection to Rey is my connection to the Divine. He has made divine love accessible to me. I know this sounds like bullshit. But I really do think it's pretty close to accurate. Another thing I asked of Rey in my mad raving prayer last night was that he help me become the person he wants me to be, because I don't think this jealous, broken, empty shell is it. So the implication of this revelation is that I should act according to this new understanding. That I should do whatever I can with it. The dream and the other interventions have been the Divine, which includes Rey - who is now healed - working through the conduit of my love for Rey and our connection to heal me because it doesn't want me to suffer, to stay broken and bitter and create more pain in the world.

As for the future, where this is taking me, that too will be another post (or many).

Edit: I have learned that there is a state known as hypnopompia, between sleep and waking up, which many claim offers access to the universal consciousness or the spirit realm.

#grief #loss of a child #narcissist #narcissistic abuse #metaphysical #spirtual #life after death #soulmate #one mind #hypnopompic

[demonofthelight]

Life stories: Simon Clarke

Joanne (presenter): What keeps you awake at night, like what do you regret the most?

Simon: I don't know if I regret anything because everything teaches you something. Everything we go through is a lesson in life.

Joanne: That's the diplomatic response. What's the real response? If you could change something what would be?

Simon: There's this girl, anyone that listens to this podcast regularly probably knows all about her. Well, I can't regret us ending, because she's getting married in, what's the date? She's getting married in less than a month and she's meant to be happy so I don't regret us ending. I regret being so unimportant in her eyes that we don't still speak. I regret that, more than anything. I don't know if she was the 'one' but she was a friend. A friend I will forever adore.

Joanne: Does that keep you awake at night.

Simon: I wouldn't go that far but there are days I wonder about her.

Joanne: If she was watching this show, what would you say to her?

Simon: I'm sorry I never made her happy and I'm sorry she felt pressured by me. There's this story where a mutual friend once told me, this girl who I don't want to name Joanne, I really don't. You've shown pictures there but she doesn't look the same anymore not even the same coloured hair. Anyway this mutual friend told me she 'hates me for bringing her up'. Honestly, I'm sick of talking about it but I was always taught there's no taboo subject.

Joanne: Do you wish you two stayed in touch?

Simon: Mixed. (looking uncomfortable and shifting) I wish we never drifted so apart into two different circles but the circle she mixes in aren't compatible with the circle I drift in. I don't want to sound like an arrogant asshole. I mean it's nothing to do with superiority or a god complex. The circles I drift in are quite intellectual. Political debates, university alumina, professional jobs, e-sports. The circles she drifts in are more materialistic or hobby orientated. Motorbikes, sports etc. I mean some of those people think I'm literally the worst thing to happen to her, while some of the people in my circle find those who can't debate infuriating. The reality is the person she is now and the person I am now are completely different.

Joanne: Moving on to the death of your mom. Can you remember the day you found out?

Simon: Like it was yesterday. I got woke up in the morning while the paramedics were in my kitchen. I got told that my mom had died in her sleep and as you can imagine my father was in bits. I didn't know how to process it initially so I stayed in my room for about an hour. As time passed, I just wanted to be hugged and told I wasn't as alone as I felt.

Joanne: I'm sure your sisters and brother were by your side.

Simon: Of course, but they were trying to come to grips with it too. To be entirely honest, I reached out to a friend the following day or within the next few days. It became a blur that week but I remember distinctly that the one female who I loved and depended on to that level other than my mother was my ex. I spent the time up until the funeral genuinely believing she would pop over and check up on me even after we broke up on bad terms.

Joanne: How did your friend react , how did they support you?

Simon: As we've touched on, I was a loner in school. Until near the end of high school, I was a bullied shy kid. I didn't have any true friends. But this moment, this terrible event, Matthew made me realise I would never have to go through a travesty alone. He took time out to go for a drink with me during that week and he took the day off work to go to my mom's funeral. He's a complete atheist. He think's my philosophy on the afterlife is closer to Stephen King than history textbooks but he literally walked probably a few miles to and from the funeral just to show his support. I've never told him how much that meant to me. But I'd like to think he just knows.

Joanne: I'm sure he wasn't the only friend over that time?

Simon: No, I have another fantastic friend called Andrew. I had a very bitter falling out over him trying to get me support and honestly anyone else would have knocked me out for the abuse I gave him over it. He just laughed it off. One of two friends that I can depend on, hopefully and as far as I'm concerned the rest of my life.

Joanne: You mentioned the girl again (picture of 2011 as a couple goes on screen), her family is your neighbour right so they knew about what happened with your mom but didn't she text you or call in?

Simon: Her parents lived opposite the street, but she never asked or showed concern on my wellbeing. I have no entitlement of that care. It's her right to feel or act in any legal way she wishes. I'll respect her freedom to do that for as long as I can.

Joanne: How does that make you feel?

Simon: It made me realise our perspectives on the 18 months we were in a relationship were different. For me, it was a fantastic period and I imagine for her it's best to forget it.

Joanne: Does that bother you?

Simon: Should it? People change, circumstances change. Can we move on?

Joanne: OK. We'll go to a break... Welcome back. I'd like to talk about university and is it true that you were warned before you enrolled?

Simon: As a 18 year old child. I made a stupid comment about a friend publicly on Facebook. My friend found it hilarious and it's the sort of dark humour we say to each other over voice chat and in person but someone twisted what I said to imply someone who died in my local area. Well implied the post was about them. I never met and couldn't care less about them. I apologised and thought that was the end of it but a formal police report was filed and the individuals informed my university who at this point had just provided me with an offer to enrol that I accepted. I mean top business college diploma in the county, they ripped the hands off for me. So that was interesting. The university was great about it. The police were as incompetent as you can imagine but it did teach me that don't say anything on social media that can't be literally taken. Like this will go up on YouTube and Tumblr. So anything I say can be proved.

Joanne: How did you emotionally react to this event, where what you said was taken out of context?

Simon: Betrayed by others but I was stupid and naiive. You can't be those things especially as a successful businessman. At this time a lot of falsehoods and rumours came around ranging from me being a drug addict to committing sexual assault. It was obvious at this point those who had ever had a conversation with me knew that I had traditional moral values so the accusations were as ridiculous as they sound. Childish rumours spread to squash what I had to say. My friends just ignored them, and the people the bullshit influenced were better off not in my life anyway.

Joanne: I've only met you twice and you're quite outspoken about some controversial subjects but its obvious to me morally your the other way. Severely punish criminals, probably too far in my opinion.

Simon: I agree, my opinions can be quite controversial but I'm as against illegal drugs as I love a cup of tea. Even my critics would tell you that.

Joanne: You've gone from a social media account with 50000 followers overall to less than a tenth of the size. Why do you think this is and does it bother you?

Simon: I used to be a depressing blogger with poems, and writing that was soul crushing but honest about my thoughts or feelings about myself. I then started to feel less lost so naturally started writing about facts not emotions. Politics was always a topic I found fascinating. I've always been debating since I can remember. I get off on a debate, which is why it's hilarious to mock those that call you names because they can't debate the facts of the topic. I started looking at things like the wage gap and white privilege economically and they don't hold up to the scrutiny expected in academic work. They just don't. Those that believe either of those things are either stupid or lied too.

Joanne: I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of politics because it's become who you are but if I can, I want to touch on 'getting off' of those that call you names in other words 'Trolls' can you elaborate on that?

Simon: I'll give you an example. I'm quite camp just look at what I'm wearing so I got an anon message on Tumblr once that read 'you are a gay homophobic sexist Nazi that should just kill yourself'. How hilarious is the stupidity of that statement. If I was gay, I couldn't be homophobic and gay people aren't allowed to be a Nazi. It shows the idiocy of these people that are probably children.

Joanne: Does these kind of hate messages matter to you?

Simon: Of course it matters, everybody wants to be liked. Those that claim otherwise are lying. But the opinions of people I've never met who are so ashamed of themselves they hide through anonymous, do not matter to me. The opinions of friends and parents of friends matter to me.

Joanne: You once said you were 'bad with women'.

Simon: Oh God, yea. I really wish I hadn't had said that. It was on an emotional post at 3am. It was a spur of the moment thought. I don't think I'm naturally bad with women but I am a marmite figure. I'm not universally liked. Most people I meet are probably intimidated by me. I think the women that I find attractive clearly don't normally find me attractive.

Joanne: Why is that? What type of women do you find attractive?

Simon: I'm probably a 6 out of ten, if I could lose the acne probably a good 7. I tend to fall for either the tall slim blonde or the short petite unique person. I'm quite simple like that. Then if they are able to debate or disagree with me brilliantly, I just adore them.

Joanne: (laughs) So you see yourself as just above average?

Simon: In looks, I do. In style, I'm quite unique and some people hate that I stand out. In personality, I am extremely demanding but I also expect that from myself.

Joanne: Do you ever think about children?

Simon: I did. I thought about marriage and kids but I've only ever found three people in 21 years that I could see having a life with. I do think about children's names though, I have top three for both genders. For a boy: Constantine, Excalibur or Arthur. For a girl: Katherine, Kate or Kathleen.

Joanne: Do you think it's fair when some people refer to you as egotistical, arrogant or psychotic?

Simon: It's no business of mine what other's perceive me to be. I can only concentrate on who I am and I'm none of those things.

Joanne: Do you like being the centre of attention with someone claiming you 'have to be seen to be the most overdressed person because you need the attention?

Simon: I don't mind it, but I don't actively pursue it. I don't really mind whether someone outshines me. I love a challenge and I think demanding the best from myself constantly while can be quite exhausting to see, is who I am whether that's monopoly, gaming or dressing.

#life story #interviews #podcast #demonofthelight