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heartlikeawound · 1 year

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if it was an open-shut case | nick & will

@animpracticalheart

It was nothing short of certifiable that he was doing this again. Last night had been a disaster, and he’d never expected to hear from Nick again after he walked out of the restaurant, much less for him to lead with an apology. Still, he should have ignored the message, blocked the number, never given the man another thought. It would be safer for both of them that way. But they were both established idiots and assholes, and he was starting to think they deserved each other.

Having a drink felt safer than dinner. It was a normal way to meet people, and he’d done it plenty of times. Last night, for example, because drinking and going home with a stranger felt better than sitting alone with his thoughts. They’d also agreed to try to be friends, which was also safer, if more unusual. Will regretted it a little because goddamn look at him, but he wasn’t so self-destructive as to want a repeat of last night. He could do friends. Probably. He paused in the doorway to let his eyes adjust to the dimmer lighting and look for Nick.

This was far from a smart thing for him to be doing, but then he hadn't been doing the smart thing with Will at all. He wouldn't have blamed him for ignoring the text message he sent, apology or not. Last night had been, by far, his worst attempt at anything like that. But now he had made it clear that he wasn't exactly good and most definitely fell into an asshole category of his own.

A drink felt distant enough for comfort, safe. He'd gotten to the bar first, settled in with a drink of his own with his eyes on the entrance. He couldn't help but watch the door carefully and the sight of him had his eyes drifting slowly over him. The man still made his palms itch with the want to get his hands on him and he had to tamp down hard on that desire. He lifted his hand just enough to catch his attention.

It was stupid that knowing Nick wasn't exactly good only made him more attractive. It was a fucking problem, is what it was, one that would probably take years of therapy to unravel. Will wouldn't have put his hands on anything that was too good. As unwelcome as that kiss had been at the time, his mind couldn't help replaying it, the hint of darkness in him almost too much to resist. That... wasn't a helpful train of thought.

The corner of his mouth pulled up in a smile when he saw him, and he made his way over with a soft greeting as he sat down. He ordered a drink, unable to help looking him over. Unfair how he got better every time he saw him. He smiled slightly as his gaze lifted back to his eyes. "How's your day been?" He was determined not to fuck this up again, and that meant acting as normal as possible.

He quashed the spread of warmth at the smile he shot him by covering it with the burn of alcohol, draining his drink and gesturing for another. He gave him a soft greeting of his own as he settled next to him. He couldn't help but look him over again as he settled, unable to help it. The man was too damn beautiful for Nick's good and it didn't help the self-control.

A small smile lifted the corner of his lips as their eyes met. "Really damn dull," he admitted with a chuckle, thinking of the piles of paperwork he'd been saddled with as a result of his last write-up. He didn't think he'd ever get off of desk duty some days, or away from parking. "What about you?"

It was stupid how much he liked Nick's eyes on him, worse that he wanted him to use more than his eyes. This friendship thing was probably as doomed to failure as their last attempt, but he had a feeling he'd enjoy going down in flames with him. He took a sip when his drink arrived, welcoming the familiar burn, although he doubted it would clear his head.

"You in trouble?" He quirked an eyebrow, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. He’d said he was lucky to have a job at all, so it seemed like a reasonable assumption. "Not bad. Real pretty bike in the shop today. She'll be fast when she runs." In the disaster that was last night, he didn’t think he’d mentioned his day job. Stealing probably would pay the bills, except that wasn’t why he did it. He never kept anything he took. He didn’t have to anymore.

He didn't harbor any delusions that they would manage to be successful at this. No attachments. Two assholes and a barrel of issues between them. Nothing about any part of the equation showed that it could do anything except burst into flames. Just one look at Will made him all too willing to burn, though, and that was a problem.

"To say the very least," he chuckled, shaking his head before taking a drink from his new glass. "My last write-up was, a uh.. what's the word they use here... a doozy?" Spinning his glass on the bar top, he watched Will with a slow smile of his. "A mechanic, huh? What does the bike need to be running?" He had found that he had a fondness for cars and motorcycles here.

"What did you do?" He chuckled softly, slowly spinning the glass between his hands. He was determined to act like this was normal and they were friends until it was true, ignoring all the awkwardness and bad feelings of the previous night. It was easier if he pretended they already knew each other and this was just catching up, and that meant asking after his job like he hadn’t a major trauma response when he first heard what he did for a living.

He stopped spinning the glass when he realized Nick was doing the same and took another slow sip. "Like you said. Most of my skills didn't exactly translate here. Had to learn new ones. We didn't even have cars where I'm from." He'd been fascinated the first time he saw one, fingers itching to get behind the wheel and under the hood. He made a face, obvious distaste in it. "A lot of things. Owner isn't caring for it properly."

The question tugged his lips into another slow, partial smile. "Ah, well... I might have told my supervisor that he was as thick as the stick shoved up his ass that impeded any real thought," he shrugged slowly and took a long drink from his glass. He didn't handle being told to do someone's dirty work very well. And if the story helped them both ignore the trouble of the night before, he was fine with that. He just hoped he wouldn't get another shut down, or even worse.

He nodded in understanding as he listened to Will talk and huffed out a quiet laugh. "Yeah, same here. So much about this place is entirely different. Cars, the technology, all of it." He wasn't driven to do much that involved the actual world he was in. Protecting people was all he was after, here. The look on his face made him smile and shake his head. "That's a damn shame."

His laugh was soft and warm as he shook his head. "You weren't kidding when you said you were lucky to have a job." If Will was lowkey pretending to himself that Nick had literally any other job that they might be talking about, that was his business. He knew it wasn't a long-term solution if they were going to be friends, but he hoped it would work for him at least until there was a measure of understanding, if not trust, there.

His next question pressed right at the edge of that delusion, threatening to pop it like a soap bubble. "Why do you do it then?" It wasn’t judgemental, or at least he hoped it didn't sound that way. He was curious, and he wanted to understand him. Theoretically, Will knew all cops weren't terrible people. In practice, he'd only met the terrible ones. He wanted to understand how someone who didn't seem terrible to him could fit in that line of work.

The sound of that laugh sent warmth blooming through him and he knew that he was in deep shit. "I told you," he chuckled darkly, shaking his head slowly. The job hadn't been his first thought, but it had been the one that panned out. But then, they hadn't had enough conversation for Will to know jack or shit about him, and vice versa.

The question made him sigh softly. "Because someone has to be willing to stop people in power who don't actually know what's wrong or right," he answered before draining his glass again. He was under no delusion that it would change the way Will had looked at him the night before.

In one question, he managed to ruin the easy conversation they'd established, so different from last night. Will would kick himself for not being able to leave things alone, except he had the feeling this was important. He wasn’t great at meeting emotional problems head on. It was easier just to walk when things got difficult. But he didn't seem capable of completely staying away from Nick, even if he should.

It was a good answer, if it was true. He didn’t know what reason Nick would have to lie about it, but people didn’t generally need good reasons to be dishonest. He didn’t think he was, but he wouldn’t rule it out. "I'm sorry, for the way I reacted last night. It wasn’t fair to judge you without knowing you," he said softly. He didn’t know if his apology was worth anything, especially when he still wasn't entirely comfortable with what he did for a living, but he was trying to do better.

There was a part of him that hated how honest his answer was, wishing he could have just continued to live in the easy rapport. If he were anyone else, he might have been able to come up with some easy, breezy reason of ease for why that was the job he did here. Why he did anything he'd chosen to do, why he had fought when he'd fought.

The soft words made him sigh heavily and shake his head as he gestured for another drink, knowing he would want one far sooner than later. "It is what it is," he said bluntly. "My entire life has been lived under the thumb of people who only cared about their prosperity. Even when I was a soldier for someone who had 'saved' me," his words were cold and he could feel the wrong clicking that came with an elevation in his blood pressure he couldn't afford. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to calm down. "You're the one who said no attachments, Will. Why should I expect you to get to know any part of me that you don't want to?"

"Sounds familiar. Makes sense people can't be trusted with power anywhere," he said softly. He drained the glass and nodded for another as their bartender reappeared. That was the Sheriff of Nottingham in a nutshell, caring more about his own wealth than what it did to the people around him. Will saw it here too, everywhere he looked, and it made him sick. He couldn't do anything more about it here than he could there, but he couldn't stop fighting it in small ways either.

He got the feeling he *did* want that though, that there was something being asked of him here that he couldn't give. Will had never in his life been enough for someone. He didn't expect that to change now. He sighed softly, running a hand through his hair. "I'm trying, Nick." It wasn't defensive, just quiet and honest. It was why he was here right now, trying to fix what he'd fucked up last night. Except things couldn't always be fixed. Nick wasn't going to forget the way he'd looked at him. He wouldn't expect him to.

"They're not all terrible, just," he paused for a moment, "what's that saying about power and corruption?" There was signs of that same corruption here, and he was sure it was inescapable no matter where he was. One person had never been able to do much to fight against it. Even with people standing alongside him, the fight hadn't been in their favor.

He didn't know what he wanted here, why he had asked for this. "I know," he said quietly, gentle. It was a far cry from the stern coldness his voice had taken on the night before. "I'm not saying you're not. My job's the very least of what I am, Will. I have no reason to hold anything against you, especially not last night."

He nodded in silent agreement. Will had never been interested in power. Unfortunately, that seemed like exactly the sort of people who should have it. If he could get over his personal bias, he could grudgingly admit that Robin might be worth following. He'd actually given up some of his power to help people, and that was something he'd seen happen exactly once. He had no idea what his brother was up to here, just that he was here.

"Alright. Where do we go from here with this friends thing?" He shot him a small smile. It seemed like they'd cleared the air at least a little, and while Will could definitely hold a grudge, he wasn't harboring one for anything that had happened last night. They'd both apologized. That was good enough for him. That didn't mean he knew what to do next though, or how to move into something that was more comfortable for both of them.

There wasn't anyone that he felt was worth following at home. Even here, he hadn't read a single thing to give him hope in any of the leaders in this place. Maybe, on the smaller scale, sure there were some that weren't terrible he supposed. He had a feeling about the man in charge of his station, but he couldn't make any guarantees.

"We drink, and we get to know each other," he shrugged with a slow smile. He held his glass up for him to tap lightly. "Let's just have a good night, Will." The invitation was clear, the hope right alongside it.

"Okay." He smiled, raising his glass briefly in return. Shelving the angst and just having a good time didn’t seem like a particular skill for either of them, but there were a lot of things Will was trying tonight that he wasn’t good at. As Nick had said, they wouldn't get better if they didn't try.

Getting to know each other better seemed... doable. "Play a game? 20 Questions. If you don't want to answer, you can drink and we'll move on, no comment." It seemed like a way to keep them out of dangerous territory. Not that Will had a lot of secrets left after last night's.

Tapping his glass lightly to his, he nodded his head once before taking a sip. What he had requested wasn't anything he was familiar with doing, but he was willing to try. It was a whole new world. Literally. If they couldn't be something more than what they had been now, he wasn't sure that they could at all.

Nick set his glass down, his eyes drifting over Will's face before he nodded in acceptance. "Alright. That sounds fair," he agreed. "You get to start, then. What's your question?"

Will had drinks with people, and he got to know people, but the two activities weren't usually combined. They served very different functions in his life. It wasn’t that surprising that Nick was turning out to be singular in every way. He supposed if they wanted something different, they were going to have to do things a little differently.

"No repeats," he added with a slightly wicked grin. He didn’t want his questions turned back on him. Too boring. He took a drink while he considered what he wanted to know and decided to start with something easy. They were trying to keep it light, after all. "What’s your favorite thing about being here? In this world, or time, or whatever it is."

Nick didn't do either, grabbing drinks with someone or getting to know them. He lived a life of solitude outside of very few, close connections, and those were nothing like this. Will was, all around, something unique in his world. He didn't make connection easy at all, let alone anything like this.

"No repeats," he agreed with a soft chuckle. It was a little too easy that way, anyway. The question made him hum slightly, his glass spinning between his fingers along the bar top. "Honestly? I'm not sure. I don't spend a lot of time living." It was a painfully honest truth, "But, I like this. Just being able to be a... a person." He cleared his throat, "Alright. Forests or water?"

"Forests. But as someone who lived in one for a while, you're not going to last long without a water source nearby." He grinned. Aesthetically, he'd always take trees though. More habitable, more places to hide, and more like home than most places he'd lived. He wasn't going to let himself dwell on why that was the case though. He told himself they were Robin's friends more than his anyway.

"So you like being able to be a person, but you don't do a lot of living. Why's that?" It may have been too serious a question for the game they were playing, but Nick had an easy out if he didn't want to answer it. Maybe Will just wasn't very good at casually getting to know someone, but he was more interested in what Nick was like than what his favorite color was.

He chuckled quietly in understanding, nodding as he sipped on his drink. He knew that much, and it made him miss the days of training where it was easier to just focus on work instead of everything else. Somehow, it didn't surprise him to learn that Will had lived in a forest.

"Because person is a relative descriptor for what I am these days," he admitted with a slow shrug. "Living isn't something I'm really familiar with anymore and I'm still trying to figure out how much I'm capable of doing it." He wanted to get to know Will and was willing to try and let him do the same with him. "Why no attachments?"

He supposed that was fair, asking a difficult question and getting one in return. He took a few moments to consider it, deliberately not taking a drink as he did. He was going to answer it. He just had to figure out exactly how honest he was going to be with it. It would have been true no matter what, but truth came in degrees. "Because I don't trust anyone to stay, and they sure as hell shouldn't trust me. As you saw last night, I tend to hurt people just by being myself. Safer on both sides to keep it simple."

He took a slow drink, the honesty burning his throat almost as much as the liquor. That was more weakness than he was willing to admit to most people, but if they were really going to do this, then Nick deserved to know exactly what he was getting into. "Why'd you kiss me?" He didn't know that was the question that was going to come out when he opened his mouth, but apparently his thoughts were still tied up in the previous night.

He had halfway expected him to drink and pass on the question, taking last night into consideration. It was easy for him to be silent and patient, since it was a default for him as a whole. He huffed out a quiet noise at his answer, taking another slow drink. He knew defensive measures when he saw them, and having them confirmed for him only made him relax further.

Staring down at his glass on the bartop, he considered taking a drink but that felt like a coward's way out. "To get you to decide if you were leaving or staying, knowing I'd accept either one," he sighed quietly. People didn't stay in his world, either, until incredibly recently in the grand scheme of things. "Why did you answer my text today?"

His chuckle was short and harsh. "That's a shit reason. Next time kiss me because you want to." He drained the glass, barely tasting it and aware that it gave him no out for the next question if he needed it. He'd answered every question so far, and he was still going to be hungover as hell tomorrow if the game kept on like this. He couldn't help feeling Nick had been trying to make him leave, and Will couldn't exactly blame him for that. He did the same thing to people all the time.

He looked him over briefly, like he wasn't quite sure of the answer himself, a small smile coming to his lips. "I like you. For some reason." That probably said something deeply psychological about him, but he wasn't diving into that one if he could help it. He drew a slow breath, not expecting the game to take such a serious turn, but as long as they were in it. "What do you want that you shouldn't?"

He rolled his shoulder slowly, "Believe me, I know." The worst part was how much wanting to kiss him had actually factored into it: which was to say far more than was reasonable. Lifting his glass, he emptied it before Will answered, glad he didn't have to work the next day or he'd definitely end up on permanent desk duty with the hangover he knew was impending.

Setting his glass at the edge of the bar and gesturing for another round for them, he took the question seriously. It didn't matter that he couldn't tap out. He wouldn't have, even if it had been an option. "To kiss you again," he answered, turning lightly in his chair, "the way I did on the sidewalk, and more." He knew it was reckless and downright stupid to still want the man sitting next to him. It didn't stop the wanting.

Will wanted to kiss him too, badly and every single way he could think of, but not to prove a point. It was the biggest flaw in their friendship plan. He wasn’t known for having the best impulse control anyway. He wrapped his hand around the fresh glass, grateful to have it even if it was seeming less likely that he’d use it for their game. He was the sort of person who appreciated knowing where all the exits were.

He turned a little toward him in response with a soft, slightly bitter chuckle. "You could have that without being my friend. I wasn't exactly playing hard to get," he pointed out. It would have been much easier if he wasn't, in fact, but Will wasn’t sure he wanted to this to stop. As painful as their conversations were, he liked them. "Your question," he added, more softly.

He didn't like the sound of that chuckle, too bitter for him by half. Wrapping one hand around his glass, he reached over slowly to brush the tip of his forefinger along his jaw lightly before pulling his hand back. "No, but you deserve more out of me than a kiss out of spite, Will, and I'm sorry for that." The other man deserved that from him, whether he thought so or not.

This was the most honest they had been with each other, and it wasn't the alcohol doing it. "Would you have reached out to me, if I hadn't?" He didn't care if the answer was a little painful. Their whole conversation was, as a general rule so far. What was a little more in the scheme of it all?

Warmth bloomed over his skin under the path of his hand. His gaze softened slightly, and he shook his head. "You already apologized, and I accepted." Will could certainly hold a grudge, but he wasn’t, not against Nick and not about that. It wasn’t how he wanted to remember kissing him though. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk himself out of it if he got an opportunity to do it again but better.

He met his eyes, not flinching away from the truth even if it was painful. "No. I thought about it, but I thought a clean break would be easier." He paused, teeth running gently over his bottom lip while he thought about the next question. It was by no means a safe one, but he sensed Nick would follow his lead if he turned back to easier topics. He didn’t want to cut that conversation off. "Do you really want to just be friends?" he said finally.

Already, he was trying to figure out kissing him again, wanting a better memory for both of them than that last disaster. Talking himself out of it wasn't even really an option in his mind. Meeting his eyes, he nodded in understanding an agreement. It would have been easier, but he wasn't sure it was the option either of them really would have preferred.

Trying not to get distracted by the want to have it be his teeth on his bottom lip, he spun his glass in his hand. "No." It wasn't what he wanted at all, but it was what he would settle for. "Am I actually going to see you again after tonight?"

Will didn’t choose it because he preferred it. He chose it because he was self-punishing and he’d already inflicted enough of himself on Nick. Except, apparently, he hadn’t. He wasn’t expecting an apology or forgiveness. He didn’t really know what to do with either now that he had them. He didn’t need more reasons to like Nick.

That was a relief. He didn’t think friends were supposed to think about kissing their friends so often or in such detail. That question surprised him a little, however fair it might be given his behavior. "Yeah, if you want to. I don’t spend time getting to know people I'm not planning to see again. Do you want to see me again after tonight?" It was dangerously close to breaking the repeat rule, and he wouldn't blame Nick for calling him on it instead of answering it.

If it hadn't been for the continued presence of very select few people in his life, he would have said he didn't know how to have friends. But he did stand by his opinion that more of the work was done on their end than his own. He certainly didn't think of kissing, say, Fiyero, the way he thought of with Will, though. His answer made curiosity rise, but he wasn't going to prod just yet.

"I do. I reached out to you," he reminded him with a slow smile before taking a drink. "Do you have anyone from your home here?" He had to get away from the dangerous questions that made him want to step over to him and correct that last disastrous kiss, otherwise he was going to give in to the urge. It was also not a question he was going to ask because he wasn't quite ready to hear that Will wanted him to keep his hands to himself.

Will didn’t really have friends either. There was Marian, who he liked and protected, but that was always going to be complicated with her dating his brother. He liked his boss and mentor at the garage, but again, that was a different relationship. That mostly left O'Malley, a guy he occasionally chatted or had drinks with. That fact that he'd done that more than once seemed to put him in the friend category.

Will shrugged but let it go. He could have reached out just because he felt bad. It didn't mean it would go past this. The truth was that it was getting more obviously stupid all the time for either of them to continue with this. "Marian. My half-brother's ex-girlfriend, which is as complicated as it sounds. I like her more than him though." That was a whole separate trauma to unpack, but it wasn’t Marian's fault that Robin was... Robin. He tried not to hold it against her and knew he didn't always succeed. "Who do you miss most from home?"

Nick didn't spend too much time feeling guilty without a very good reason, normally. It was an exhausting drain that didn't really have a place. There was no denying this wasn't a very intelligent choice, continuing this, but neither of them were calling it quits either. It was a curious predicament. He pulled a face at his answer, unable to help the reaction. "That's... a lot," he finally simply said.

The question made him blink and pause, unsure if he really had the right to miss anyone. "Fiyero," he finally said, "Dorothy, too, even if she wasn't actually from home." He knew that things might be a little easier for Leo if they were here too. "What's one thing you absolutely hate?"

"Yeah. It's not her fault though. And she's... good." It took him a moment to settle on the word, but it was the one he wanted. Marian was a good person, which was why she really shouldn't have too much to do with Will. He couldn’t help checking in on her though. It was a strange world, and nobody else they knew was here. She was doing well for herself without anybody's help.

He paused to think about that because there were a lot of things Will hated. People who abused their power, the sheriff and his minions, black and white morality, his brother. Nick knew about most of those already though. "I hate that no matter what world I'm in, the most vulnerable people suffer the most. If you're old, sick, poor, or god forbid all three, you're fucked. Nobody cares. Nobody helps, even if they can." He deliberately left single mothers off his list, although he counted them. It was too telling. "If anything were possible here, what's one thing you would want to do?"

"Ah," he murmured in understanding. Having a good person involved in something complicated usually only made it more so for the person it was complicated for. Already, based on what he knew of Will, he figured that her being good was complicated for him all on its own, let alone her connection to his brother.

That answer wasn't the answer of a bad man, by any stretch of the imagination, but he wasn't going to be the one to say so, not in that particular moment. He agreed with most of it, though. Where he didn't was where he had the missing pieces to prove that some people helped, even if they paid a price. The question only made one answer spring to mind. "Give Leo his family back," he murmured softly before taking a drink. His wouldn't recognize what was left of him, so there was no point. "Do you have family, besides the half-brother?"

Will had paid for it too and had the scars to prove it. It was nothing like Nick's though, and he’d be grateful the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't have much in the way of imagination. Nick's answer was by no means the answer of a bad person either, and the significance wasn’t lost on him. He’d like to hear more about his friends--all three of them that he’d mentioned--but tonight was about getting to know him.

"No. My mother died when I was fifteen. I never knew my father. It would have damaged his reputation to acknowledge her, or me. Robin was his real son." There was no obvious emotion when he spoke about the man, but that was telling enough all by itself. That anger and bitterness ran so deep it was just a part of him.

No matter what, they seemed to return to serious topics, and there was an obvious reason for that. They were both sad bastards with a pile of trauma each. His gaze flicked to him again, a bit of mischief sparking in it as he smiled, the only warning he was about to lean into that natural recklessness and say something he shouldn't. "Best sex you ever had?"

Hearing such a flat answer when it came to family should have been surprising, but it really did answer a lot about Will without having to touch various topics. "Don't you just love nobility or just money," he drolled out, "Very little actually noble to found except their titles." He had no fondness for anyone of rank in Oz, never really had. Corruption or just selfishness always seemed everywhere.

Nick wore his trauma like a second skin, quite literally in some ways. Bouncing between seriousness and flirtation with Will didn't really surprise him any more after their conversations. The question should have been playful and gotten playful in return, would have, but for that pile of trauma. Instead, for the first time all night, Nick drank. As he lowered the glass, he smiled slowly, "Favorite time you got away with a steal."

For someone who flirted as well as Nick did and kissed him without warning at dinner, that wasn’t the answer he was expecting. Silence said plenty, and that was concerning all on its own. It wasn’t the first time Will had wondered if his advances were just making him uncomfortable, but it was enough to make him decide to call it quits on that for now. Maybe friendship really was the best option for them.

The question made him laugh softly, and he shook his head. "I don't have a favorite. That's not why I do it. When I was a kid, it was just survival, and then it was about helping other people survive. It all runs together after a while." He wasn’t a millionaire, and they could afford to give a little more. He sipped slowly from his drink. "Which is better: a lie that protects or a truth that hurts?"

Talking about sex in general never bothered him, talking about it with Will on his mind was dangerous. Talking about his past with it was complicated, and more than a little painful at points. He needed to figure out a way to clarify that for him without dragging them into another awkward pit. He liked Will's advances, wanted more of them, really.

He hummed softly at his answer, and it really told him so much about what he needed to know about the man. It just solidified that he knew he would do a lot to protect him, like he did others like him, and had for longer than he had been in London. "A truth that hurts, every time." He wasn't one for lying, and that sort of protection always fell apart. His eyes slid over him, darkening a little with the question on his mind, "Having, being had, or switching?" He couldn't help the question with the way the man made him want to pin him against a wall.

This game wasn't going to work for that conversation. Will wanted to know anything Nick wanted to tell him, but he didn’t know the right questions to ask. With him having sidestepped one already, he wasn't going to pry in that direction. Whatever they were doing here, it wasn’t that. The implications were plenty though, and the fire that constantly simmered in him had noticed. He wanted to burn down anyone who'd ever hurt him.

He wasn't expecting him to turn the conversation back in that direction, and his eyebrows went up, even with the inviting smile that spread across his lips. He clearly didn't mind him asking. "Switching. But not a deal-breaker either way." He could roll with what other people were comfortable with, since he didn’t have a lot of lines of his own in that area. "Favorite position?" It was testing a theory as much as it was a question, that the off-limits topic wasn't sex so much as the past. Will of all people could respect that.

He wasn't sure how much about him Will wanted to actually know. Sure, he figured he'd take the light parts, the sexier parts, but the darkness? The painful? Those he wasn't sure on and he wouldn't subject anyone to those who didn't actually want to be around him in the long-term. They weren't anything he even liked discussing with the very, very few people that had stayed.

He smiled slowly at his reaction, pleased to have caught him by surprise with the question. "Perfect," he murmured, a little dark and heated, for all that he tried to bank it. "Considering how often I've wanted to have you wrapped around me and pinned to a wall in the last forty-eight hours, I think it's safe to say we can go with that." He took a sip of his drink as he watched him for his reaction.

He wasn't sure of that either. He could hardly blame Nick for being hesitant to open up when at every turn, Will gave the impression he was going to walk away. He should and usually did, had even tried once already, but for whatever reason he seemed unable to make it stick. All of this opening up in a game he'd started should have sent him running, but he only wanted to be closer.

Heat slid down his spine at that look on his face, but that was nothing compared to his answer. "Jesus," he said softly, trying not to stare at him with open wanting. He had to fight down a shudder of pure need at the mental image, and he drained the rest of his drink to distract himself. If he kept drinking, he couldn't count on any good decision-making moving forward. That wasn't his best thing sober either.

He was willing to risk it, risk letting what few human parts remained of him. He couldn't explain why, only that he wanted to close to the other man. Every bit of him that he was allowed, he would take, selfishly, and hoard it. It was nothing he was familiar with wanting, but he wanted it nonetheless.

Draining his own glass, he set it away from him and let his eyes slide over him again. "Now, I'm going to kiss you again, and I'm going to do it properly," he warned him as he stood up. "Then I'm going home for an ice cold shower, and I will talk to you again soon." Stepping over to him, he slid his fingers along his jaw to tip his head back and press his lips to his in a slow, deep kiss.

Will could have told him from experience that he wasn’t worth that. Nick might be the one missing pieces of his humanity, but Will wasn't a whole person either. He doubted there would ever be enough of him to sustain another person, and Nick deserved better than to live on scraps of whatever he could give. It was a conversation for another night, when he couldn’t dull the self-hatred with liquor and flirting.

He had no idea what kind of game they were playing anymore, and the conversation hadn't clarified things any more than that comment did. It wasn’t a question and didn't seem to invite Will's input on the matter, although the only thing he would have argued was leaving him for the night. No attachments. What a fucking joke. He tipped his head, sinking easily into that kiss, and it was arguably better than the first one. He couldn’t let himself get too lost in it, knowing where the lines were tonight. "Goodnight, Nick," he said quietly when they parted.

#chat: nick #animpracticalheart #if it was an open-shut case #london!verse

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not-majestic-bluenicorn · 3 years

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TXT Universe Theory: The Dream Chapter

Hello and welcome back to another one of my theories! This theory will be quite long and will take into account everything in the first chapter of TXT’s story. I won’t be doing Minisode 1 or either of the Chaos Chapters yet cause it will give us all a headache if I do, so yes, there will be things missing. Believe me, I know, I’m just pretending like I don’t know anything for the sake of my mind XD Let’s dive into the theory!

The Protagonists

Name: Choi Yeonjun

Keywords: Promise, guilty, sleepless, apricity

Association: Paranoid Park

Metamorphosis: Horns

Songs: Crown, Magic Island

Yeonjun is, perhaps, more relevant than his character wishes he was. Paranoid Park, the book (and perhaps also movie) he’s associated with, talks about a 16-year-old boy who accidentally kills a policeman and tries to cope with it while simultaneously hiding what he did. Yeonjun’s guilt can be seen almost everywhere. His Dream-Self grows horns during Nap of a Star, which are generally associated with evil and destruction, and in Crown he expresses his fear of being evil.

In the teasers for Magic Island he says “I think there’s someone else aside from us #itsmyfault”. And in the teasers for The Dream Chapter: Eternity he adds the hashtags #imscared #itwasjustajoke when revealing his association. He did something that makes him feel guilty. He possibly didn’t kill anyone (I mean, if anyone did, it’s most likely Beomgyu, but that’s not here nor there), but it hasn’t been revealed yet what he did do.

I associate Magic Island with him because it talks about promises and about the Odd Eye Cat, which I will talk about more in detail later, but suffice to say the Odd Eye Cat might have something against Yeonjun. There is a small chance that Yeonjun feels guilty about having forgotten their promise with the Star, since his word is promise. Everyone forgot, but maybe he’s more emotionally aware of it.

Name: Choi Soobin

Keywords: Tomorrow, invisible, understanding, apricity

Association: Le Doulos

Metamorphosis: Elongated ears

Songs: Eternally

Soobin is on the opposite side of the coin with Yeonjun. He too is aware about the promise with the Star, but in a very different way. He is perhaps what we would define as a traditional protagonist, as he can hear the voice of the Star well before anyone else can, even if he can’t remember the promise. The first time we see him perceiving the voice is in Magic Island, that is when he starts to feel separated from the group. He’s still unaware of it, but he knows something that the others don’t and that puts a wall between them. In the Magic Island teaser he uses the hashtag “#IThinkImTheOnlyOneWhosDifferent”, and in the Eternity concept photos he says “Why am I the only one having a hard time?” and “Everything is your fault”. He is also tagged as invisible, which alludes to the fact that he feels distanced from the others, and is also the only one to get no interactions on his posts. The fact that he’s blaming someone might be that he’s aware of the voice or that he knows someone in the group messed up.

Name: Choi Beomgyu

Keywords: Hope, unfair, relief, serenity

Association: The Catcher in the Rye

Metamorphosis: Spines on the back

Songs: ???

Beomgyu is an interesting if confusing character. Based on how he acts in the MVs, he seems to be rather headstrong and confident, much like the main character, Holden, of Catcher in the Rye, a story strongly related to growing up and leaving the innocence of childhood behind. Holden considers adults (and his life) to be quite unfair, doesn’t trust them, and wants to become a protector of the innocence of other children. However, much like Beomgyu, he’s rather headstrong and careless, moving forward without much consideration, which often gets him in trouble. These aspects can be seen reflected on the Magic Island Teaser, where he writes “What’s the problem? Let’s just do it. #rewind #hope #CantTrustAnyone, as well as the Port teasers from Eternity where he says things like “Who saw me that day?”, “We were all together then, right?” and “I don’t think this is the world I used to know” (which is tagged with “unfair”), and uses the hashtags #NothingToHide, #IsItMyFault?”. We do see him start the fire in both the Magic Island Teaser and MV, which might hint to the fact that he feels it’s unfair to blame him when they were all there, and he doesn’t actually believe himself to be at fault. He was just taking care of them.

Name: Kang Taehyun

Keywords: Clue, suspicious, breathe, serenity

Association: Philip Marlowe

Metamorphosis: Star eye

Songs: ???

Taehyun’s character is observant and prefers to stay on the sidelines to catch every detail before casting his judgement. In the Magic Island Teaser he says “There’s got to be a way out” with the hashtag #LetsThinkAboutIt, plus, in the Port Teasers from Eternity, he keeps a reasonable suspicion on his team members about who’s truly at fault and uses the hashtags #EverybodyLies and #IWantToKnowTheTruth. This ties in well with his associated character, Philip Marlowe, the private detective. Both characters keep a distance and analyze everything carefully, never resorting to violence. It is worth noting that he keeps Yeonjun’s teddy bear at the end of Run Away, which in the teasers is labelled as “clue”. Taehyun is always observing.

Name: Huening Kai

Keywords: Secret, lonely, longing, apricity

Association: Stand by me

Metamorphosis: Wings

Songs: Nap of a star

Huening Kai is perhaps one of the most complicated and mysterious characters in the story, since his role isn’t as established as the others. He’s constantly out of the loop about the situation that is happening, which is demonstrated by phrases like “What the hell is happening?” (Magic Island Teaser) and “What happened?” (‘Port’ Teasers) as well as the hashtags #OnTheSidelines and #IKnowNothing, as well as two of his keywords being secret and lonely. His associated media is also interesting, as Stand by me talks about a man remembering the trip he did with three of his friends when they were 12 to find the body of a missing boy. At the end of the movie, the main character Gordie, recalls his friends and comments on how much he’ll always miss them and how he’s never had friendships like that again. This raises the question if perhaps one of the boys would be the dead kid the others are trying to find. Kai being kept out of the loop could point to him being it, as he’s always trying to reach for them but can’t quite do it, however it could also be argued that either Yeonjun or Soobin could fill that space as well.

The Setting: The Real World vs The Dream World

Back on the very early BTS theories, a lot of us didn’t think time travel or time loops were the answer, but it turned out we were wrong. At first, when working on this theory, I wasn’t sure where I should draw the distinction between reality and fantasy. In the end, I’ve decided that everything is real but in different ways, and I’ve decided to make the distinction between the Real World and the Dream World; after all, this is called the Dream Chapter.

The Real World is, you guessed it, pretty much just our normal world. Nothing magical or physics-law-breaking to be seen here. The Dream World is, well, a world made of dreams. But remember I said everything is real (I know the names I gave the two realities contradict this, hit me up if you have better suggestions). Whatever happens in the Dream World is just as real as whatever happens in the Real World, it’s just in a different plane of existence. It might also be of interest to note that sometimes these worlds blend.

So, if everything is real in the Dream World, what is real in the Real World? This is a complicated question because even our characters struggle telling reality apart from the dreams, especially because the dreams aren’t just dreams. The fires that occur in Run Away and Can’t You See Me are very much symbolic, but them jumping into the Dream World through the subway in Magic Island is real. The visions they have in Eternally aren’t happening in the Real World either. It’s just a matter of what is supported through other clues and pieces of evidence, which I’ll try to provide.

The Story

So, you know, what is like… happening? Everything is extremely confusing and it took me a while to understand that pretty much all videos are happening like, at the same time? As in, it’s the same event but from different perspectives and slightly different intervals of time. So let’s try to lay down a cohesive timeline.

It all starts with the events narrated in Nap of a Star. When they were children, the five of them (or well, maybe I should say six) met through the Dream world and became such good friends that they promised to meet there again. However, as it happens, they grew up and forgot about it, meeting once again many years later through the school and the company without remembering each other.

While growing up, they have gone through many different things that have hurt and changed them, which manifested in their dream bodies as the “imperfections” that they all have. I believe these imperfections are tied to each of their characters: horns tend to represent evil, which ties in with Yeonjun feeling guilty and blaming himself for everything. Kai’s wings look angel-like, which fits his sweet personality who helps the “demon” (Yeonjun) and is always believing the best about his friends. Beomgyu is very defensive, which translates into his porcupine-like spines. Soobin is a good listener (plus he’s literally the first one to hear the Star’s voice) and Taehyun is good at observing the others. So these are all manifestations of how life has shaped them to be who they are now.

They become very good friends once again and get along well, nice! However, we know things are not perfect, and they have to confront a series of personal conflicts. Especially Yeonjun, who’s so overcome by the negativity in his life that he starts a fire that can’t be put out in Run Away. This fire is metaphorical, and represents all the pain and stress he’s been dealing with. So what do they do? They try to find an escape from all their troubles.

There’s two ways this could’ve happened: the first one is that they stumble with the Dream World by accident on the Run Away MV when they go in through the pool. This seems fitting because of their reactions. After that they research it and Soobin discovers that there’s a secret magical entrance at a train station, as we can see in the Sanctuary Photo Teasers from the Magic comeback in the official BigHit website. The other option is that this accidental discovery didn’t happen and they simply researched. This would turn their visit in Run Away into a “summary” of sorts of their first impression of the place.

[Translation:

Soobin: I saw how to find the hidden magic platform?

Soobin: When you close and open your eyes there, your dream becomes reality

Taehyun: Woah, cool

Taehyun: (not sure about this one) for real?

Soobin: Should we go together?]

Either way, they get there. Of course, as shown by the door being set on fire at the end of Run Away when Yeonjun looks at it, his worries aren’t entirely gone, but at least they’re under control now, or so it seems. This part of the video also ties in with the end of Nap of a Star. All of the children come together to help the “monster” and they reunite at the Dream World once again, awakening the Star.

After this, though, weird things begin to happen. Someone or something is trying to reach out to them, and causes them to have really strange dreams. This entity, presumably the Star as marked by the pieces of dialogue, even follows them to their practice room, and keeps begging them to remember them. Yes, I think the Practice Room Ghost and the Star are the same character (and I also think they represent MOA, in a way).

[Translation: Remember my name.]

Here’s where the visions in Eternally come into play. The individual vision each of them has is, physically speaking, nothing more than that: a vision or dream. So they start having these visions, and some of them, especially Soobin who keeps hearing the Star’s voice, start doubting their reality. Plus, weird things start happening in their practice room, so no doubt they end up hearing about the Practice Room Ghost.

They have a conversation about it on the subway, and Soobin goes to mention he had a weird dream but then he backtracks. Obviously, he’s talking about the vision we see in Eternally, because he even says he always wakes up crying from it. In a split second, they decide to stop at the Magic Island using the method that Soobin found previously, and they go have fun there.

[Translation:

Yeonjun: Did you hear about the practice room’s mirror ghost?

Beomgyu: *sland for shivering* A ghost? Wow

Taehyun: I heard about it. There’s no ghosts, you’re just tired and saw wrong.

Soobin: I’ve had weird dreams lately *cries* Maybe it was because I’m tired...

Kai: Did you have a scary dream again?

Soobin: (deleted message) In the dream we...

Yeonjun: Ah, I shouldn’t have said anything.

Beomgyu: What’s scary about this? If there’s a real ghost let’s go and check at night *laughs*

Kai: Hyungs, stop talking about scary things please *cries*

Taehyun: Beomgyu hyung is joking about this too??

Yeonjun: Should we just go to Ttukseom?]

Naturally, things go wrong, what else were we expecting? Their antics end up setting the magic forest on fire, until they end up destroying the whole Dream World, and it leads us to the start of Eternally. One thing I believe to be very interesting is how, when they’re trapped in the storm, Soobin keeps touching his ears, Kai touches his chest like in Nap of a Star, and Beomgyu touches his shoulder. Yeonjun and Taehyun aren’t properly shown but they probably also touch the affected places.

I would argue that Can’t You See Me? is also just a reinterpretation of the conflict they’re going through, both within themselves but also as a group, because they did just destroy their secret place. This is pretty much where the current timeline ends. I’m a bit uncertain if they’re trapped in the Dream World or outside of it without being able to go back, because Taehyun does mention wanting to go back in the Port teasers, but he doesn’t specify where. I want to bet that they’re trapped in the Dream World but I do need to analyze the Chaos Chapter better to decide that.

The Practice Room Star

Yes, this is a play on words, as I fully believe that the Practice Room Ghost and the Star are both the same entity. When they were kids, they made a promise with the Star, but they’ve forgotten it with time, and now that they have reunited and found their way into the Dream World again, the Star wants them back. The Star is probably a very powerful being, since they are able to interfere with the Real World to reach to them, enough to make them confused about their own reality. Their bond seems to be stronger with Soobin, who’s even able to hear them reach out on occasion. It’s uncertain what exactly it is that they want.

The Visions (Eternally MV)

The night of the last day & Song of a Star (Soobin’s visions)

Eternally starts at the end of Magic Island, with the Dream World completely in ruins. Eternally happens before Magic Island, so this dream Soobin has at the beginning is nothing but a prophecy. In the dream, he is holding a book, which we also see Beomgyu with. I think this book is the one they got the information about the Dream World during the Magic era, since the cover is very similar to the symbols we can see in Run Away.

I believe Song of a Star is the Star reaching out to him. He’s the first one to be able to hear the Star, as shown in Magic Island, and he also references the Star’s song in teachers. The kid he sees is probably the version of himself that first entered the Dream World as a kid (or maybe Kai lol), which might be why he wants to cry everytime he has that dream: it’s the nostalgia for a time he left behind.

Room No. 17 (Beomgyu’s vision)

While I’m not sure what the number 17 means yet, and my research on numerology yielded no results, this vision is particularly interesting to me. Through it we get to see Beomgyu’s more ‘brash’ nature as he defends the book that Soobin was seen holding previously. If that book is their key to the Dream World, then it makes a lot of sense that he’s trying to protect it. I’m not sure who the other person trying to stop him is, but it does kinda look like things didn’t go well for them after Beomgyu transformed.

Girl of Eternity (Huening Kai’s vision)

Perhaps the strangest of names for visions, this clearly represents how the rest of the members keep moving far away from Kai and become unreachable to him. He mentions several times how he’s clueless about what’s going on and wants to understand, but the rest of them continue to keep him in the dark, so he feels a distance growing between them, which might increase in the future.

Moratorium of Rest (Taehyun’s vision)

Taehyun’s vision is perhaps the most shocking of all, as it shows us Yeonjun sitting on a chair and covered in spines and purple “paint”. Yeonjun is sitting in the middle of a field of all sorts of violets, and Taehyun tries calling him before realizing the condition Yeonjun is in.

Promise (Yeonjun’s vision)

Yeonjun shares the misfortune with Taehyun of seeing his lifeless corpse, except his vision is much less artistic about it. After finding his body, he sees a fire from the corner of his eye, and right next to it, you guessed it, the odd-eyed cat. His vision in particular finishes with the phrase “I thought it was salvation, then.” And here is where things turn south.

Yeonjun’s promise and the Odd-Eye Cat

I have a very strong reason to believe that Yeonjun is in danger of dying an awful death, and it’s only partially because of the visions. Since Nap of a Star, Yeonjun has been followed by the vigilant eyes of the Odd-Eye Cat almost religiously, and it usually never brings good situations with it. It’s bad enough that the neck cut in Nap of a Star is replicated in Taehyun’s vision, that Soobin sees Yeonjun all bloody in Eternally, and that both Yeonjun and Taehyun see the former dead, but there might be some external clues that hint towards Yeonjun’s upcoming demise.

In the official BigHit website for TxT’s discography, where we found out that Soobin researched and figured out the way to go into the Dream World, we can find a picture of Yeonjun reading a book. In English, this book is called The Alchemaster’s Apprentice. This book narrates the story of a black cat who sells its soul to a sort of wizard in exchange for food, since he’s starving to death. The wizard agrees to fatten the cat for a month, after which it will kill it and use its fat for magical purposes.

The cat in this book doesn’t have heterochromia, however I found out some pagan groups in Eastern Europe believe that a different colored eye was a witch’s eye, meaning that the eye has literally been swapped out with a witch’s. I fully believe that Yeonjun made a deal he shouldn’t have, and the Odd-Eye Cat has been sent by whoever made the deal with him to check on him. It might just be that Yeonjun’s time is going to run out very soon, and the visions are trying to warn everyone of that.

Conclusion

Magic exists and TxT might have bitten more than they can chew because they wanted to run away from the problems of real life (relatable). Now, the Star that they made a promise with is trying to reach them, and maybe warn them about something that’s coming. The fact is that they’re not safe, especially Yeonjun, and things might turn south very quickly very soon.

I’ll try to come back soon with the Minisode 1 + Chaos Chapter Theory update, but for now, if you liked this, please interact with the post and check out my other theories here!

#txt #tomorrow by together #tomorrow x together #the star seekers #txt theory #tomorrow x together theory #tomorrow by together theory #txt yeonjun #txt soobin #txt beomgyu #txt taehyun #txt kai #kpop #kpop theory #bluenicorn does theories

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captain-barnes-writes · 3 years

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Someone Like You [3/6]

Summary: In which Sebastian tries to win you back a year and a half after your relationship’s rupture, but only because there’s a new man in your life. [Part 3]

(Mini-series)

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Latina

Warning: Angst (lotssss), language, 18+, future chapters will include smut (just warning y'all!) ; not proofread

Word count: 1.5k

Three months had glided by after that late night and Sebastian would be a liar if he said it hadn’t been a hassle to complete a simple task without a single thought of you. You were a brazen and permanent mark that he couldn’t erase no matter how hard he tried to rub you off.

A month after the one music video had been released, another one came. With the same Hispanic Bachata artist, this time for a different song. You were speaking Spanish in the beginning of the video, taking him back to the times you used to cuss him out in Spanish out of anguish and anger he’d make you feel. But also at the sweet words you’d utter in the language that was so foreign to him. It was for those first few seconds of the video that he was able to form a small smile as your sweet voice floated through his ears. He was smiling at the little rasp that your voice had and the slight squint of your eyes as you threw your head back in laughter, dark curls and dark eyes.

That little smile was quickly wiped off when the frame tuned to that of the singer who still couldn’t keep his hands off you and it made his blood boil over in rage. The dimples indented on the fuck-face were on full display as the full smile he wore didn’t vanish throughout the entire video. He couldn’t blame the man for beaming as if he’d won the lottery because quite frankly being in your presence felt quite like it.

It was another plotless video and made no sense, he deemed that the singer used this opportunity to get as close to you as possible yet again. You wore yet another dress, a tiny yellow sundress and your feet bare on the hot sand. The tropical theme had you on the beach, under a cabana and even on the sea shore.

You were dancing so eloquently and freely, hands so conscious of every movement your hip would make that they would move with ease. Two steps to the left and a slight jut of your hip and you’d do the same for the right. Dark curls bouncing with every movement you’d make. The man had wrapped his arms around your waist and proceeded to dance with you while singing the lyrics so precisely. He was going crazy at the thought of what could happen after the cameras had shut off, of what was happening in real life. He wondered, in a crazed manner, if you were showing him the same type of attention as in the videos.

Was he touching you?

Was he kissing you?

Were you letting him?

His girlfriend shifted on her side of the bed, squirming and sprawled her hand on his bare chest. His eyes shifted towards her sleeping figure, her body positioned on her stomach and head lazily on the soft pillows, and her breathing was so calm. He’d been in a haze and had almost forgotten where he was. It was a weekday in New York and since their fast-paced romance had been caught on camera there was no need to tip toe around the city anymore so they were at his own place. There was no longer a need to only spend time at her place.

She was kind and funny, brought him a sense of comfort. But it didn’t compare to what you’d given him. It was just that she had the label of girlfriend and you hadn’t. The thought tugged at his heart.

It was probably something truly sick and twisted as the sleeping and unknowing woman beside him breathed so softly in her sleep as he laid wide awake on his side with his phone grasped at his hand; the dim screen showing his searches filled with your name. His video search engine filled with your name too. He watched with his ear buds embedded in his ear, listening to your soft and nervous voice during interviews. The dark curls, your glowing skin and those gleaming brown eyes that were yet again driving him to the brink. His current situation was driving him towards a road of destruction if he kept this up.

God, what the hell was wrong with him. You consumed his every thought. Swirling and parading through his head like floating clouds of ethereal goodness. The last few months had been slightly arduous for him because in many ways he’d felt every single thing you had felt while you’d been with him. Angst, jealousy and an overwhelming tight feeling in his chest. He understood now.

He thought back to all the rumors, images and videos of you and that artist that had surfaced for the last few months. It wasn’t only an innocent, paid-job of being part of his two music videos but it seemed to have transpired into something more. The pictures of your dinner dates spread like wildfire through the media, people were shipping you and the fuckface already for god's sake. You were smiling so genuinely, straying behind the unbelievably successful man who donned an equally large smile. His hand was outstretched behind him, reaching for yours as the flashing cameras illuminated the both of you.

Huffing under his breath, he pressed the off button on his phone, removed the earbuds and placed both on the nightstand. He was tired and didn’t want to think anymore.

And as for you, you laid awake in bed as well in your New York home. The man beside you had barely gotten off you a few minutes ago and had already fallen asleep. His soft snores were invading the solemn quiet space of your bedroom.

Romeo Santos. He was handsome and romantic, sweeping you completely off your feet. And his voice? Talented and beautiful beyond belief. You’d started listening to his music in your teen years, and even though he was a lot older now, he still looked just as good as he had all those years ago. He was a good ten years older than you, a hefty number, but you liked it. Experienced, mature and with their shit together; at least that’s what you expected out of men who were nearly pushing the threshold of 40.

You couldn’t believe your luck at having gotten the call to be part of his music video during your vacation in the Dominican republic. You had said yes within a few seconds. Your instagram pictures showing off your well-deserved girls trip in the Caribbean region had probably gotten back to the Domincan artist, whom you’d noticed had already been following you.

The music video was out of your comfort zone, per say, as it included scenes that were rather risque for you. The lingerie and the steamy scenes on the crimson red bed had been rather intimidating upon reading the short script, but he’d made you feel comfortable.

And even while thinking back to those few months when you had met the handsome man beside you, your thoughts drifted back to another man who was two years shy of pushing 40.

Sebastian.

You wondered if he had seen your recent movie that had truly been the inception of your career, after only getting small roles, and if he saw recent announcements of roles you’d gotten for future films. It might’ve been vain, but you wanted him to see you. To appreciate you for once because it still hurt you so deeply that you had felt inadequate with him. You’d been at his beck and call for so long that you had finally mustered up whatever leftover pride you had and left his life. The situation had left you fragile, but you’d regained pieces of yourself and built your strength upon self love and your promise to never let another man use you.

Sebastian hadn’t been a bad person to you, he just had issues he needed to solve on his own. His commitment issues weren’t for you to fix. You got to know him as a lover and maybe as a friend too. But the moments you remembered most were those shared in your old apartment, on your bed. He’d been an incredible lover who wasn’t by any means selfish during your many nights together. You were lucky if you got a few hours of sleep with him around. He was insatiable. He always wanted you, was always kissing you and wanting some form of contact with you. You’d joked with him that he was like glue.

“You’re like glue, Seb. Get off me.” You laughed at the muscular, bare-chested man who was toppled on you. His hands were on your bare waist as his blue eyes traced over your face.

“And what about it?” He responded, big hands squeezing the fleshy sides of your hips and managed to give a slap to your naked behind. You shrieked in response, mouth and eyes agape.

“By glue I mean you’re making me all sticky and you won’t stop touching me!”

“You know you like it. Stop complaining.” He nuzzled his face into your neck, not even bothered at your protest.

His lips took hold of the sensitive skin below your ear, tongue lapping over the area he knew drove you crazy. Your soft mewls were the driving force to all his touching. He loved the sound of your breathy moans, your long nails scratching his back and the angelic reaction that would overtake your features. Mouth slightly ajar, gleaming eyes meeting his in silent pleas and the widening of your legs granting him the access he so needed.

“You see...That’s exactly why I’m like glue.” And you had nodded in response.

You found yourself thinking of him. Again. It was unfair that after all the progress you’d made to forget the man who’d always take your breath away, he still managed to do so even in your mind.

And as you took the phone from your nightstand, you did the one thing you didn’t think you’d ever do.

You unblocked Sebastian’s instagram.

(To be continued)

----

This chapter felt like a filler tbh. Next chapter will be the real deal ;))) Bringing my other favorite Avenger

And do y’all know Romeo Santos? He’s a legendddd!

Let me know what you think :)

#sebastian stan #Sebastian Stan fanfic #Sebastian stan fanfiction #marvel #marvel fanfic #someone like you #sebastian stan x reader #bucky barnes #angst #jealousy #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfic rec #sebastian stan drabble

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jadelotusflower · 3 years

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Robin Hood Rewatch: 1x13 A Clue: No

“Previously on” recaps can be annoying, but there is an art to it and I love a good one. This is a very, very good one, summarising the last episode with ramping tension as the music builds, then cuts to a different take of the last scene as the theme song starts, and we’re into the opening credits.

This is a long one, so it’s going under the cut:

Guy estimates that the “inner circle” of Robin’s gang is “a dozen at the most” and I find it very funny that neither he nor Vaisey have twigged that it’s always the same five people around him. What’s more annoying than funny is that they don’t know how many are in the “outer circle” because that really should have been A Thing in the show (Forrest and Hanton should have come back to guest star! I will never let this go!) After all, we see Little John with more men in the first episode, there are other outlaws in the forest/across the shire that are either working with Robin, or pose a risk to them, and I wish this had been explored.

Djaq manhandling and holding her sword to Pitts’s throat - I love Djaq.

The first arrow Robin shoots is intended for Vaisey, but one of the guards inconveniently walks in front and gets it in the chest. The second arrow is intended for Vaisey as well but he ducks (”my tooth!”) so we can’t fault the writing for a credible attempt at Why Doesn’t Robin Just Kill The Sheriff, because in this scene at least, he tries.

Bye Pitts. You certainly were.

I actually really love this scene (which probably seemed odd given the high body count), but Robin drawing his sword and charging, with Much, Djaq, and John backing him up to avenge Marian’s apparent death/make a final stand, as the music shifts from the jaunty Rescue Theme to Marian’s Theme, just gets me every time.

Although thanks to the cast commentary, I can’t unsee Djaq flipping that guy over her head twice, but hey, it’s a badass move. Clearly they didn’t shoot enough coverage of this fight, because we get the same action from several different angles.

Other than the flashback in episode 8, I think this is the only time we see Robin in Crusader mode, and just how lethal he (and the gang) can be when unleashed and with nothing to lose. Even when the enemy retreats Robin remains kind of wild-eyed with rage unsated, and it takes a beat for him to snap out of it. It’s symbolism time - he sticks his sword in the ground and leaves it there, and we don’t see it again this episode (or much in season 2).

There’s some nice acting going on from everyone in this scene - just utter exhaustion, Allan and Will oblivious to why the rest are so distraught, Much taking it upon himself to tell them but can’t say the words, and Robin with the finality of “she’s dead.” Their faces!

Djaq is still holding two swords as she enters the cave, which is a nice character beat - no doubt the fight also brought back unpleasant memories/triggers for her, and she remains on edge, for the moment unwilling to give up her defences even when the threat is gone.

I really love this scene too (the gang mourning Marian) and I think it’s quite deftly written - Djaq’s immediate reaction being the importance of a quick burial (as per Islamic tradition), Robin trying to keep it together, attempting to ask John/Will to build a coffin but unable to, so deflecting to ask Djaq to prepare Marian’s body, before trying twice again; John soothing him and taking charge. Will’s single tear and speaking of Marian’s goodness. Much responding with “Good? Oh, she was... She was...” looking to Robin because of course his thoughts are for Robin’s grief before his own, and also that his own relationship with Marian was complex. Allan: “She was alright...yeah” that says so much, and of course John’s “Her, we liked.” Again, some fine acting, kudos everyone.

“I loved her and I never told her” is ironic because Robin still won’t tell her until halfway through the next season, and if he had in the aftermath of her apparent death he could have spared himself a lot of the angst of the rest of the episode. But of course he doesn’t tell her, doesn’t learn from this moment, because emotions are hard, and sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over again.

I really love that it’s Allan that notices that Marian is alive, and his little “told ya” flourish.

Score note: while Marian is “dead” her Theme is strings, when she opens her eyes, it’s back to the guitar.

Guy’s guilt in finding out his impending marriage to Marian is based on false pretenses - would he still have forced the marriage if he’d known that from the start?

Djaq still has her two swords as they take Marian back to Knighton.

Guy, if your first instinct when told Marian is not at home is that she’s run away rather than marry you...maybe take a hint? “She cannot run from me” is a big yikes, and this confuses me as to Guy’s motivation in this scene. Did he intend to tell Marian the truth, but then convince himself otherwise (because “the excitement of the wedding” =/= “the wedding excites her”), but then why so angry when he thinks shes run? The difference between getting someone go/being left, I suppose.

Illness is a perfectly plausible explanation for delaying the wedding that no one seems to think of.

Edward is actually pretty bang on in this scene with Robin from a father’s perspective, telling him to let Marian go if he cannot stop it, and do the right thing. On the other hand...

“I am sick of doing the right thing” is why Robin is such a compelling character for me - because it is hard to always be good, to be held to that higher standard, and make the unselfish choice. I enjoy narratives that explore that, and this show is surprisingly unflinching about it, exemplified by:

The next scene, which is one of the most emotionally brutal/hard to watch of the entire show, in which Robin lashes out and does everything to drive Much away, including calling him “a pox” and a “small man” until Much’s heart visibly breaks.

Now I don’t want to excuse Robin here, because he is objectively awful to someone who doesn’t deserve it, who is trying to give him support but also telling him some much needed hard truths (even if it is slightly self-serving, which is what what seems to set Robin off). But at the end of the day, if he loves Marian he needs to accept that it is her choice to marry Guy, to “do the right thing” to (she thinks) protect her father - and later of he does just that. For now Edward and Much are both right, it is more important for him to try and protect the king from Vaisey, because if he is ousted and Richard back on the throne so many lives would be improved, including the people of Locksley. But Robin has been pushed to breaking point all season, and has now snapped and can’t see reason, but is stuck in his own grief/rage.

But unlike previously, when Robin said regrettable things in the heat of the moment and then immediately took them back, this is a calculated attack designed to hurt Much the most, because he loves Robin so much that it takes A Lot to push him away. It’s a bold move to make your hero so unlikable in such a moment, because Robin really is unforgivably cruel here, and trust the audience to understand why. I mean, I don’t want to bang on about the PTSD, but it’s (partly) the PTSD, based on a triggering, precipitating event causing a self-destructive spiral. Robin needs some Ye Olde Therapy.

For all the talk about Robin getting his title and lands back, nothing is said about what happens to Gisborne once he does, other than that they can’t prove he was the one who tried to assassinate Richard. Because really, Richard probably would believe Robin even though the tattoo was burned away, and Guy’s certainly committed other crimes that could be testified to just like they’re intending for Vaisey - and let’s be real, it’s not like a king needs evidence to order someone’s death (hello, season 2 finale). Boom - Guy executed, marriage to Marian annulled, problem solved!

So, the scene between Marian and Guy, in which Marian is more concerned with whether or not Guy tried to kill the king than the fact that he stabbed her. But its understandable, because Marian thinks there’s no way out that doesn’t risk her father’s life, and it’s easier to convince herself that maybe Guy didn’t do it to make the best of things. I think she does have some kind of feelings for him, or is at least moved by his feelings for her, and believes if nothing else she can influence him/continue working from the inside; giving up the mantle of the Nightwatchman but doing the same work (in a different way) as Lady Gisborne.

And then it’s Robin/Marian angst, round 3, and it’s a far cry from their interaction in the cave milliseconds away from “I love yous” - in both tone and body language they’re back in defensive positions talking past one another. The tension, it be thick.

Marian is making her best rationalisation with “deprived of love” and Robin not at all buying the Woobification 101. Once she tells him her decision to marry Guy, he accepts it, but it’s Marian’s reaction that’s telling, she’s surprised that he doesn’t argue, deep down she wants him to fight for her, to say that the real reason she shouldn’t marry Guy is because he loves her. It’s quite a contrast from the previous scene where Guy was very open about how he feels about her, while Robin deflects, but while she was conflicted about Guy trying to kiss her, she’s frustrated, disappointed, and angry when Robin leaves.

But really, this is rather unfair of Marian, because Robin did already declare himself in the cave (”we should be together”) without her reciprocation, so expecting him to take the first step again without any encouragement is a bit much.

Would a depressed person sit slumped against a tree all night?

“But by taking Marian in holy wedlock, I will wash away those crimes. Her pure heart will cleanse mine.” Yeah...not going to touch that one. I appreciate that there’s a lot going on with Guy and many, many people find it compelling, but I’m afraid it’s not really a narrative that interests me.

Speaking of pure hearts: Much. Faced with the same choice he was counseling Robin on, but with the additional wrinkle of knowing the king’s an imposter, he still decides to stop the wedding. “Her heart belongs to another” is A Moment and I don’t know exactly why but I find his very soft pleas following this and calling her “my lady” very affecting.

She’s beauty and she’s grace, she punched Guy in the face.

“A trap. I knew it.” I haaaaate this line. NO YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT ROBIN YOU KNEW NOTHING OF THE KIND IF YOU HAD KNOWN YOU WOULD BE EVEN MORE OF A DICK FOR LEAVING UGGGHHHH.

“We can’t be seen together” Right in front of my salad two guards on front gate duty, who get front row tickets to the kiss. Look at them! They’re right there! This show drives me absolutely bonkers sometimes.

I do love this dress though.

“An audience with the king has been suspended!” Going out on one last pun.

Regardless, I really love this episode. Despite the lack of fallout from the emotional wringer they all went through, I can’t help but smile when the gang does their silly little jump for joy at the end.

#robin hood bbc #robin hood rewatch #1x13 a clue: no #long post

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timothypines · 3 years

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The Fire of Achilles (Essay)

“He was like a flame himself. He glittered, drew eyes.” (pg. 43, Miller) Throughout the novel The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller and the epic poem The Iliad, Achilles is often compared to fire. In The Iliad he is referred to as “brilliant Achilles”—meaning to sparkle with light or luster; however, this comparison is not always positive, as the destructive side of fire is not forgotten when describing his unstoppable rage. The double-sided nature of fire perfectly encapsulates Achilles. The brightness and openness he emulates, much like the welcoming of a controlled fire, attracts the soldiers to him, while uncontrolled his rage can destroy armies like a forest fire pushed by rushing wind. But while most people can only see the war in him, the rage in him, he would never have gotten as far as he had without his gentle warmth.

The Song of Achilles shows much more of the softer side of Achilles’ flame, however, I do not think this makes Madeline Miller’s interpretation any more or less correct in the characterization of Achilles; rather, it deepens what is shown to us in The Iliad. In the early moments of the book (The Song of Achilles), it is shown that just as Achilles speaks his mind freely and absolutely, he expects the same from all others; this leads to him being overly trusting in many ways. “He said what he meant; he was puzzled if you did not. Some people might have mistaken this for simplicity. But is it not a sort of genius to cut always to the heart?” (pg. 44, Miller). This is seen in The Iliad also, in his rage against Agamemnon when the king refused to return the priest’s daughter after the priest offered ransom. Most would never speak such things against a king, but he did not fear a thing, no, he was completely honest with Agamemnon, reminding the king that it was he who was needed, he who was asked to fight, “It wasn’t the Trojan spearmen who brought me here to fight. The Trojans never did me damage… we all followed you, to please you, to fight for you, to win your honor back from the Trojans.” (pg. 82, Book 1: The Rage of Achilles, Homer). Yes, the dishonoring of him is what causes this great rage, but his honesty is part of that too. But even though this rage appears to come from unbreakable pride, I feel that it came not from a place of pride, but rather rage at Agamemnon for not being at all reasonable. While he keeps his honor close to him, he is not prideful of his abilities. “‘I will be the best warrior of my generation.’ It sounded like something a child would claim, in make-believe. But he said it as simply as if he were giving his name.” (pg. 38, Miller). In this sense, I agree with Miller’s interpretation of Achilles’ feeling in this moment and how even though his honor is important to him, he is not particularly prideful. This rage, I feel, comes more from a great feeling of unfairness, which Achilles seems to value more than anyone else in the army. Agamemnon made the mistake of not returning the priest’s daughter, out of his unyielding pride, and now he is unwilling to admit to his mistake and is instead punishing Achilles, who was the only one trying to end the great plague. I am in no way saying that Achilles’ actions to call the gods to punish the entire army so relentlessly were justified, however, his feelings of rage toward Agamemnon cannot be blamed on just himself, and therefore, neither can the punishment that falls upon the army.

It seems silly to try to talk about Achilles and leave out what he loves most. Now, in The Iliad, before we get to the aftermath of the death of Patroclus, it could be fair to assume that what Achilles loves most is his honor; damage to his honor is what caused him to call for the army’s suffering and destruction, the very army he had been fighting with for nine years. However, it is very clear that after the death of Patroclus that it is he whom he loves most. Once Patroclus has died, Achilles does not care to act honorably, he does not care if Agamemnon apologizes, he simply wants the person who took his love from him to suffer. Even his own life does not seem precious to him anymore. For the brief moments that Patroclus is shown in the epic, his character is made very clear. He appears to be kind, gentle, to carry himself with a strong grace. No one has ill-will towards him; he is a good man universally in the eyes of the kings and soldiers. This is what makes his death so impactful. This version of Patroclus that we see in The Iliad I feel is lacking when reading The Song of Achilles. In the epic, Patroclus can fight, he is quite good at it and it does not feel a surprise, “And then and there the Achaeans might have taken Troy, her towering gates toppling under Patroclus’ power heading the vanguard, storming on with his spear.” (pg. 435, Book 16: Patroclus Fights and Dies, Homer). The Patroclus we find in The Song of Achilles is awkward, unwilling to fight, even just before this moment at Troy, “The wheels gave a little lurch, and I staggered, my spears rattling. ‘Balance them,’ he told me. ‘It will be easier.’ Everyone waited as I awkwardly transferred one spear to my left hand, swiping my helmet askew as I did so.” (pg. 327, Miller) When reading The Iliad, I felt none of this from Patroclus. While it may have been surprising that he ended up at the wall of Troy, it certainly wasn’t surprising that he had fought and fought well. I will say that both works made it heart-wrenching to see Patroclus slaughtering people, however, the epic held more integrity than the novel had. This can especially be seen when Patroclus and Hector meet on the battlefield. This is the interaction we get from The Iliad, “‘Hector! Now is your time to glory to the skies… now the victory is yours. A gift of the son of Cronus, Zeus—Apollo too—they brought me down with all their deathless ease, they are the ones who tore the armor off my back… You came third, and all you could do was finish off my life…” (pg. 440, Book 16: Patroclus Fights and Dies, Homer). And this is what we get from The Song of Achilles, “He is coming to kill me. Hector… He must live because his life, I think as I scrape backwards over the grass, is the final dam before Achilles’ own blood will flow. Desperately, I turn to the men around me and scrabble at their knees. Please, I croak. Please.” (pg. 334-335, Miller). Although Achilles’ stubbornness killed both versions of Patroclus, at least in The Iliad Patroclus died strong in himself, while the Patroclus from The Song of Achilles died a shell, lacking any self, just filled with thoughts of the fire that is Achilles.

One thing that no version of the story could ever take away is how much Achilles loves Patroclus (even if they decide to make them simply cousins for some reason). It is devastating to read Achilles discover that his lover is dead; this is not lacking in either version of the war. Something I especially enjoyed from The Song of Achilles is how much more deeply Miller built the relationship. While reading I could really tell that Patroclus was Achilles’ heart; he was the only one who was immune to Achilles’ rage and the only one who had a chance of getting through to him. “I had found a way through the endless corridors of his pride and fury. I would save the men; I would save him from himself.” (pg. 325, Miller). The building of their relationship before this moment where Patroclus begs for Achilles to fight made for a deeper understanding as to why, after so long, after so much suffering of the Achaeans, Achilles was willing to do something to help, no matter what that was. In The Iliad we are given a mention of how close they are and that is supposed to reason Achilles’ willingness to bend slightly. This deeper understanding of their relationship also makes Achilles’ reaction to Patroclus’ death all the more painful to watch happen and his actions during the beginning of his morning also make more sense to the reader.

Achilles’ relationship with the war of Troy is somehow both extremely complicated and overly simple. It is complicated in terms of what he should bring into the war, what he owes Menelaus and Agamemnon, and how fate plays into it all. It is simple, however, when it comes to him having to perform the act of war itself. I feel that what Miller added to the story regarding this area really deepened and strengthened Achilles’ character; she really tried to show the struggle in Achilles when he was dealing with all of these complexities that came with the politics of the war, between both the mortals and gods. This is the war he was fated to have such a large part of; he was to kill the Trojan’s greatest hero, Hector. But fate isn’t the only thing forcing him to back and fight in the war against Troy, the Achaean kings he fights along side with also feel entitled to him and his abilities. In the end, however, Achilles does not feel attached to the war in actuality. “‘The Trojans never did me damage.’” (pg. 82, Book 1: The Rage of Achilles, Homer). He doesn’t hold any rage toward the Trojans, that is until Hector kills Patroclus, and even then, his true rage is only toward Hector, it is only the magnitude of it that takes down the mountains of Trojans he slaughters. He is in a war he was expected to be in simply because of that fact, he was expected to fight. When discussing the war with Patroclus, Patroclus asks if he is afraid to fight, Achilles answers, “‘No… This is what I was born for.’” (pg. 220, Miller). So, if he was fated to be in the war, the Achaeans can only win if he fights, and every Greek kingdom expects him to fight, then what does he owe to his fellow Greeks? To Menelaus and Agamemnon? Simply put, in reality he owes them nothing, his father doesn’t even force him to go, telling him it’s his choice (The Song of Achilles), however, the issue and complexity doesn’t come from what he actually owes the kings, but from what they believe he owes them. Here are two interactions between Achilles and Agamemnon from both works. “Agamemnon stepped forward. He opened his hands in a gesture of welcome and stood regally expectant, waiting for the bows, obeisance, and oaths of loyalty he was owed. It was Achilles’ place to kneel and offer them. He did not kneel. He did not call out a greeting to the great king, or incline his head or offer a gift. He did nothing but stand straight, chin proudly lifted, before them all. Agamemnon’s jaw tightened.” (pg. 194, Miller). “‘This soldier wants to tower over the armies, he wants to rule over all, to lord it over all, give out orders to every man in sight. Well, there’s one, I trust, who will never yield to him! What if the everlasting gods have made a spearman of him? Have they entitled him to hurl abuse at me?’

‘Yes!’—blazing Achilles broke in quickly— ‘What a worthless, burnt-out coward I’d be called if I would submit to you and all your orders, whatever you blurt out.’” (pg. 87, Book 1: The Rage of Achilles, Homer). It doesn’t just matter what Achilles feels he owes Agamemnon because the king feels he is owed not only Achilles’ spear, but his total loyalty and an oath of such.

Despite this complexity with his motivations and responsibility to fight, when it comes to the fighting itself, it is as simple as breathing for him. As told in The Song of Achilles, “What he lived for were the charges, a cohort of men thundering towards him. There, amidst twenty stabbing swords he could finally, truly fight… With a fevered impossible grace he fought off ten, fifteen, twenty-five men. This, at last, is what I can really do.” (pg. 240, Miller). The war wasn’t truly a conflict for him, the true war was in the politics of men and gods; this notion agrees with what is shown in the epic.

While the men in power may not particularly like Achilles, the soldiers of the Achaean army do indeed, from the very beginning (at least in the interpretation that is The Song of Achilles). Here is the moment he introduces himself to the entire army, “‘I am Achilles, son of Peleus, god-born, best of the Greeks,’ he said. ‘I have come to bring you victory.’ A second startled silence, then the men roared their approval. Pride became us—heroes were never modest.” (pg. 194, Miller). Miller choosing to have the soldiers have these types of feelings towards Achilles makes sense. Up until the moment he declares he will no longer fight for the Achaeans, he is their hero, the one they look to and follow; in a society that values glory and heroes above almost all else, second only to the gods, he most-likely would have been viewed that way by the general public, those uninvolved in politics. An example of how deep this goes is shown just before the war begins, as the Phthians are sailing towards Troy’s beaches, “We stood at the prow with Phoinix and Automedon, watching the shore draw closer. Idly, Achilles tossed and caught his spear. The oarsmen had begun to set their strokes by it, the steady, repetitive slap of wood against his palm.” (pg. 212, Miller). Even subconsciously the men are following Achilles’ spear.

Achilles isn’t the only person for whom Miller develops a good relationship with the common soldiers—this is done for Patroclus as well. I also agree with her decision to do this; it helps solidify the emotions the people feel toward Patroclus which are only mentioned and implied in The Iliad. Miller decided to make Patroclus a healer, “I developed a reputation, a standing in the camp. I was asked for, known for my quick hands and how little pain I caused… I began to surprise Achilles, calling out to these men as we walked through the camp. I was always gratified at how they would raise a hand in return, point to a scar that had healed over well.” (pg. 261, Miller). This use of his character makes sense in my mind when regarding the character shown to us in the epic; being a gentle and kind man. It also makes his motivations when trying to convince Achilles to fight all the more authentic, “All around me are men carrying fallen comrades, limping on makeshift crutches, or crawling through the sand, dragging broken limbs behind them. I know them—their torsos full of scars my ointments have packed and sealed.” (pg. 319, Miller). So, even though I do disapprove of Miller’s decision to make Patroclus seem too awkward and weak to fight, I cannot say her making a healer of Patroclus is without any merit.

“What has Hector ever done to me?” This phrase is echoed throughout The Song of Achilles, creating a sort of foreshadowing sprinkled throughout the novel. This sentiment rings familiar from The Iliad where he expresses that he holds no feelings of hatred nor resentment towards the Trojans. The role that Hector plays in The Song of Achilles is slightly different than seen in the epic, though this is unsurprising as the novel is from the perspective of Patroclus and therefore cannot show much of Hector. Despite the lack of Hector, however, Miller included moments that are reminiscent of what we saw of Hector in The Iliad. Here is a domestic moment shared between Hector and his family when he returns from fighting, “shining Hector reached down for his son—but the boy recoiled, cringing against his nurse’s full breast, screaming out at the sight of his own father, terrified by the flashing bronze, the horsehair crest, the great ridge of the helmet nodding, bristling terror—so it struck his eyes. And his loving father laughed, his mother laughed as well, and glorious Hector, quickly lifting the helmet from his head, set it down on the ground, fiery in the sunlight, and raising his son he kissed him,” (pg. 211, Book 6: Hector Returns to Troy, Homer). Now here is a moment between Achilles and Patroclus when Achilles is coming back from battle, “I woke to his nose on mine, pressing insistently against me as I struggled from the webbing of my dreams. He smelled sharp and strange, and for a moment I was almost revolted at this creature that clung to me and shoved its face against mine. But then he sat back on his heels and was Achilles again.” (pg. 222, Miller). These are two moments of domesticity between warriors, great heroes, and the loved ones they returned to. In these moments war is more real, and it is harder to separate the men on the field and the men that return home.

None the less, the phrase “what has Hector ever done to me?” is also meant to show Achilles’ active struggle against his fate that came with the war. He wants glory but is unwilling to make sacrifices to gain it. It is only once Hector does personally harm him by killing Patroclus that he does not care to avoid fate, in fact he does not care about glory or honor after this. In a way, it is Patroclus’ sacrifice that gives Achilles glory, which is ironic seeing as he does not fight for glory anymore, but revenge. This can be best seen in how he treats Hector’s body after he defeats him. “He rises at dawn to drag Hector’s body around the walls of the city for all of Troy to see. He does it again at midday, and again at evening. He does not see the Greeks begin to avert their eyes from him. He does not see the lips thinning in disapproval as he passes.” (pg. 346, Miller). “The memories flooded over him, live tears flowing, and now he’d lie on his side, now flat on his back, now facedown again. At last he’d leap to his feet, wander in anguish, aimless along the surf, and dawn on dawn flaming over the sea and shore would find him pacing. Then he’d yoke his racing team to the chariot-harness, lash the corpse of Hector behind the car for dragging and haul him three times round the dead Patroclus’ tomb, and then he’d rest again in his tents and leave the body sprawled facedown in the dust. But Apollo pitied Hector—dead man though he was—and warded all corruption off from Hector’s corpse…” (pg. 589, Book 24: Achilles and Priam, Homer). In The Song of Achilles the Greeks, and gods, are not pleased. In The Iliad the gods see this as a disgrace.

Where Achilles redeems himself greatly in The Iliad is not as significant in The Song of Achilles which left me extremely disappointed. The moment when Achilles is meant to show what a great character he is and how willing he is to forgive, even after such a significant loss, is in Book 24: Achilles and Priam. It is here when Priam and Achilles share a very vulnerable moment with each other in which they hold no contempt towards one another and the people they have taken from each other, but they cry, together, for the horrible losses they have endured in this long war. Miller makes this moment so much less vulnerable and emotional, making it feel significantly less important and character defining as it had been in the epic. Here is the moment as shared in The Iliad, “‘I put to my lips the hands of the man who killed my son.’ Those words stirred withing Achilles a deep desire to grieve for his own father. Taking the old man’s hand he gently moved him back. And overpowered by memory both men gave way to grief. Priam wept freely for man-killing Hector, throbbing, crouching before Achilles’ feet as Achilles wept himself, now for his father, now for Patroclus once again, and their sobbing rose and fell throughout the house.” (pg. 605, Book 24: Achilles and Priam, Homer). And this is the very same interaction as written in The Song of Achilles, “‘…it is worth my life, if there is a chance my son’s soul may be at rest.’ Achilles’ eyes fill; he looks away so the old man will not see.” (pg. 350, Miller). In Miller’s version there is not even a mention of the agreement that is come to in the epic that allows Priam to host a full funeral for Hector. This left Achilles feeling cold and unfeeling, which goes completely against his entire characterization in both the novel and the epic. For me, the watering down and diminishing of the conversation between Achilles and Priam was the biggest misstep in Miller’s novel and was a major disappointment especially since I felt she characterized Achilles so well for the majority of the novel.

“His anger was incandescent, a fire under his skin.” (pg. 283, Miller) The comparing of Achilles to flame and fire strikes most true. He is never an emotionless man, never achieving a moment of utter stillness, instead he is always flickering under the surface. Even in times of calm he radiates warmth, and in times of great anger he rages in a great blaze. It is fire that is the perfect essence of Achilles. But this is what also makes him so controversial in the eyes of modern men. Some today still find themselves drawn to his wild flame and the brilliance of it, while others see the ash trails of his destruction and feel he is no good man, no hero. Achilles himself, I think, would agree with the sentiment that he isn’t a hero. In the end with Priam he felt shame for how he treated Hector’s body, his greatest love died because he couldn’t let go of his honor. In class people questioned why Achilles is remembered the hero and not Hector or Diomedes. I think Achilles achieved the fame he has because he is a good man who let his emotions drive him to do bad things, things looked down upon even in times of war. However, in the end, he redeems himself. He is a brilliant, shining character with intense emotions who manages to redeem himself—of course he has become the main hero of the story. Madeline Miller, in my opinion, did a very good job with the interpretation of his character, however, there were a few missteps with him and other things that were very important to his development. But despite these missteps, she has managed to bring Achilles’ light back into the lives of modern people, which is a wonderful thing. “As if he heard me, he smiled, and his face was like the sun.” (pg. 47, Miller)

#essay #literary #writing #greek mythology #achilles #the song of achilles #the iliad #literary critique #homer #madeleine miller

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ibijau · 4 years

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hello! can you do 14. for nielan?

"I'm not good enough for you"

Standing in that tent on the edge of a now quiet battlefield, Lan Xichen stares at Nie Mingjue, feeling entirely breathless.

He forgot.

With everything else happening around them, he forgot.

Or maybe he hoped this too would have changed, a voice unkindly whispers into his ear. He hoped he wouldn’t have to face this, the true reason why he gave up on everything, the reason why he chose this dangerous path.

It’s funny how things change with experience. The first time this night happened, Lan Xichen felt overwhelmed by Nie Mingjue’s confidence and gave in right away, feeling as though there could never have been any other options, not for them. But tonight he can see that his friend’s confidence is only skin deep, that Nie Mingjue is fidgeting ever so slightly, as if fearful of rejection. And why not after all? He’s only twenty-three. He’s so young.

He never got much older than this, the first time around. But that’s why Lan Xichen is here of course.

All things considered, he feels he’s done a good job of it so far. He wasn’t able to pick exactly when to return, so it was impossible to avoid the burning of the Cloud Recesses and his fateful meeting with Meng Yao.

If he couldn't avoid meeting the man who became his other best friend, the one in whom he confided without restraints, then at least he's warned him well against Lanling Jin. It's been easy. The place is a viper's nest and Jin Guangshan is a horrible man. Pretending to bemoan the lack of help Gusu Lan received when threatened, Lan Xichen told Meng Yao every dirty secret, every act of casual cruelty, every proof that Jin Guangshan has no regard for others.

("The wife of his friend and ally?" Meng Yao cried out in horror and… even if Lan Xichen fails to prevent the rest, at least Meng Yao will be spared the infamy of marrying his own sister now)

Of course, Lan Xichen still advised Meng Yao to join Qinghe Nie. If he stays there...it’s the best place for him, if he can only quell his ambitions and be reasonable. Lan Xichen hopes Meng Yao can be reasonable, because Nie Mingjue was so glad to have him at his side, a trusted friend for this man who trusted so little and… and perhaps after everything Lan Xichen is still weak to Meng Yao, to the pity he invokes in him. Only time will tell if he was right to repeat this mistake.

Other choices he’s more sure of.

The Lotus Piers was still slaughtered.

It is cruel, and it is unfair, but it is also unavoidable. Nothing short of the annihilation of a Great Sect could have pushed the cultivation world to rise against Qishan Wen. Lan Xichen knows because they all bent their necks when the Cloud Recesses burned. It takes death and horror to avoid the worse.

The destruction of Yunmeng Jiang was less thorough though.

Lan Xichen, after leaving Meng Yao, hid around Yunmeng. He provoked trouble in an isolated but crucial area, forcing the Jiangs to send some disciples on a Night Hunt just days before the attack. The Lotus Piers fell a little faster, but it also ensured that a little more of Yunmeng Jiang survived.

He managed, also, to rescue Jiang Cheng before his core could be destroyed, and handed him over to Wei Wuxian, wounded but alive and whole.

There would be no demonic cultivation to ruin things this time, no dark power to tempt Jin Guangshan and make him murder a fellow sect leader, no heartbreak for Lan Wangji over seeing the love of his life self-destroy.

The war will probably last a little longer but it’s worth it, it’s all worth it if it can save lives in the long run.

If it can save Nie Mingjue.

“You’ve been quiet a really long time,” Nie Mingjue states, bringing Lan Xichen back to the present, a present he created for this man before him. “It’s fine if you say no. But don’t refuse just because you think your sect’s rules demand it.”

That sounds familiar, and it makes Lan Xichen shiver. Was he too quiet also, that first time? He cannot remember. He’s made such efforts to forget this war, and after over a decade of mourning, years of trying to get over the man he always knew he shouldn’t have loved, details have become murky. All he can recall from this night is the way they kissed, the way they clung to each other through the night, and the unparalleled joy of waking up in Nie Mingjue’s arms where his heart sang that he belonged.

Lan Xichen almost laughs.

What a stupid little fool he used to be.

Lan Xichen smiles, as kindly as he still knows how.

“It would not be a good idea, Mingjue.”

Nie Mingjue’s face falls at the rebuttal. He’s twenty-three, so young, and… and he looks younger like this, after opening his heart and being told that his affection will not be returned. Lan Xichen hasn’t seen him so hurt since the day they buried his father, or since…

Since the day, in a few months, he would be forced to let Meng Yao live in spite of his crimes, confused and broken and betrayed for the first time by Lan Xichen.

But that day won’t come.

Lan Xichen won’t let it come.

“Why not?” Nie Mingjue asks, stepping closer to take his hand. His fingers are warm, burning almost… or perhaps it’s Lan Xichen who is freezing. “Xichen, tell me why.”

Lan Xichen’s smile freezes as a thousand reasons course through his mind, before he settles for the one that seems most honest.

“I’m not good enough for you,” he replies, thinking of all those times he took the wrong side, of caring more about Jin Guangyao’s safety than Nie Mingjue’s when that Qi deviation happened, of never seeing that his lover’s beloved spoiled brother turned into a blood-thirsty monster.

Lan Xichen has proven that he never was worthy of Nie Mingjue’s trust, let alone his love.

Hopefully, he can now convince Nie Mingjue of that.

Nie Mingjue deserves a chance at a happy life, and he’ll only get that if Lan Xichen isn’t part of it.

#Nielan #Lan xichen #Nie mingjue #Mdzs #mo dao zu shi #Jau writes #Not super happy with this one tbh?#But the prompt really didn't feel like something either would say in normal circumstances so...#Plus apparently I really love 'character goes back to the past to save nmj specifically' lol

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rpmemes-galore · 4 years

Text

How to write a character with PTSD / C-PTSD:

*disclaimer: this is entirely based on my own, personal experiences with PTSD. it’s to serve as a basis and guide, but not a firm rulebook for writing it. different people can have different symptoms, at varying levels of severity. PTSD is also often tied with depression and / or other generalized anxiety disorders.This will be extremely personal, and has the potential to be triggering to anyone who has suffered abuse / noncon, or has ptsd / c-ptsd.

WHAT IS C-PTSD?

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. --- wikipedia

C-PTSD is a subset of PTSD. Whereas PTSD is mostly associated with a traumatic event that only lasted for a short amount of time, or only once ( eg. car accident, sudden loss of a loved one, ect. ) , C-PTSD has to do with prolonged traumatic events ( eg. ongoing abuse, imprisonment ). And depending on the severity and conditions of the prolonged event, those suffering with it can have varying symptoms and levels of symptoms. For this guide, I’m going to be focusing on the PTSD / C-PTSD that I, personally, struggle with: severe, caused by abuse and noncon. References from MAYO CLINIC

INTRUSIVE MEMORIES:

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event: Unlike in Hollywood, flashbacks do not have to be full-blown reliving of the event ( though, it can be ), but rather small, often disconnected glimpses of memories that strike while going about your daily life. Things that can trigger it are smells, sounds, or the sight of something connected to the traumatic event. It can be benign as the sound of someone walking toward you, or bad as someone getting in your face and shouting at you. And what triggers you one day may not trigger you the next.

Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks): In my personal experience, this is much harder to come back from than the smaller glimpses mentioned above. This is a full reliving. As far as you’re concerned, you ARE back in the trauma. You ARE back in that house, in that room, with that person... you see them, hear them, they’re in front of you, and you’re that defenseless child, again. This often leads to a panic attack, even after you’ve returned to reality.

Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event: Can’t talk about this one much, because I specifically taught myself to lucid dream due to nightmares I used to have... but, that was a long time ago. I do remember they would not be perfect recreations of the event. They’d be disjointed. Often would involve people who hadn’t been there at the time, or random details would be mixed up or completely wrong ( for instance, instead of standing in the kitchen, you might be out in a field. Multiple events could be happening at once, with no coherency. ) And I do remember waking up suddenly, in a sweat... and sometimes avoiding sleeping for DAYS just to avoid having those nightmares.

Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event: Similar to the first point, this can also be caused by sights, sounds, smells that you recall from your traumatic moments, or, sometimes, even just from the place where your trauma happened. Unlike the glimpses of memories or full flashbacks, these are disconnected feelings, usually fear, anger, betrayal... and in response to something that might seem silly to someone else. For instance, for me, I have a severe reaction to flyswatters. What is a simple tool to someone else, that they have no issue touching, I can’t even go near. Hands start shaking, I can’t breathe, I tense up like I’m going to be hit. And similar to that, the sound of someone raising their voice, even happily or not toward me, fills me with immediate dread. note: this can lead to being a pleaser. desperately trying to avoid upsetting anyone because you’re terrified of people who are upset, whether it’s your fault or not.

AVOIDANCE

Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event: Self-explanatory on the not wanting to think about it.No one likes to think about things that upset them. As far as the not talking about it goes, it can have a lot to do with shame. You’ve been trained to think it was your fault you were treated so badly, and telling anyone else, means you’re admitting that you were bad and deserved it. And you’re afraid they’re going to agree with your abuser. Or they’re going to gain up on you with your abuser... even if there’s no rational reason to believe these things, the thoughts are still there.

Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event: This can lean toward the extreme... specifically going out of your way to avoid things. Cancelling plans if it might be even slightly related to your trauma, such as a person from that time being there, being in a place --- or sometimes even being near a place --- that reminds you of your trauma ( like a store you went with your abuser ) , or refusing to take part in something that you and your abuser did together. This can even extend to tasks around the house. For instance, if housework was something tied to your abuse, even marginally, you might avoid doing dishes, or washing the floor.

NEGATIVE CHANGES IN THINKING AND MOOD

Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world / Difficulty maintaining close relationships / Feeling detached from family and friends: Self-esteem plummets. You have a lot of trouble trusting others, or believing that they truly want the best for you. You have trouble believing that you have any potential, or that you’re capable of doing anything... lose trust in your own judgement and second guess everything you do. You ignore red flags. You constantly need validation in your choices. You feel like someone else needs to second any decision you make. Nowhere feels safe. Even going out of the house is a struggle, and you’re scared and uncomfortable they entire time, like you’re waiting for something bad to happen.

Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event: Feeling like there’s a grey area or the memory being fuzzy, even when you specifically try to recall certain moments. This can lead to doubt, and wondering if you even have trauma. ---- And not only that, but if your abuse involved gaslighting, you lose faith in your memory of the event. You start overthinking. You doubt whether or not you were even abused. You think you might be remembering things wrong, misconstruing things, being unfair to your abuser.

Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed: As PTSD often goes hand-in-hand with depression, you can experience the same symptoms, including lack of motivation or interest, even in things you genuinely enjoy. For me, I LOVE writing. But, actually finding the motivation / energy / confidence to do it is hard... even on good days, it’s a fight to get myself to sit down and accomplish anything.

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions / Feeling emotionally numb: Good feelings feel bad. That’s the only way I can describe it. Things like happiness or satisfaction feel... wrong. Like, you’re not supposed to be feeling them. The way I’ve had this explained me to me is: your brain is so used to feeling bad emotions that feeling anything positive is foreign. it’s easier to stick with what you know, no matter how hard it is. ----- You can have moments of complete emotional nothingness. You disconnect from your feelings completely. The world around you doesn’t feel real. The people around you don’t feel real. It’s like being in really terrible VR.

CHANGES IN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL REACTIONS:

Being easily startled or frightened / Always being on guard for danger: You’re always jumpy. It’s like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or waiting to be hurt or yelled at.

Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast: This can also extend to self-harm in many forms ranging from cutting, to holding hot objects... ( the most difficult part is when you feel dirty inside and feel like you need to cut or burn it out. It’s an overwhelming feeling that’s very hard to beat or calm yourself down from. ) or just neglecting yourself, like not tending to cuts or scrapes. And you feel like you deserve them. You tell people not to worry when you get hurt because you’re used to it... and, because it’s you that it’s happening to, it’s okay. Other forms can include substance abuse, alcohol abuse, or even --- consciously or unconsciously --- seeking out abusive relationships just for a sense of normalcy.

I hope that this guide helps you. And if you are struggling with PTSD, yourself, please don’t be afraid to reach out and find help. You are loved. And your worth is NOT determined by what other people have done to you.

#not a meme #long post #ptsd tw #cptsd tw #trauma tw #abuse tw #rape tw #selfharm tw #noncon tw #extremely potentially triggering.#writing resources #this was very personal and hard to write #but it means a lot to me and i felt like i need to share. proper representation is important #any negative comments regarding this / negative comments toward people with this condition / or inappropriate jokes on this post #will be blocked.

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not-close-to-straight · 4 years

Text

Lost and Found (Seven)

Soooo this Chapter only did like, one of the things it was supposed to and everything else just sort of happened and I got tired of arguing with it to make it behave so here, have a Chapter Seven that is only slightly like the one I outlined.

I made myself cry with this first part, so Tissue Warning!

MASTERLIST HERE

****************

37%

“JARVIS?”

“The constant tests you’ve been running with the new suit have taken a toll, sir. My original algorithm assumed you would be resting more days than not, as one should when faced with the possibly of an upcoming expiration date but with your continued activity, my projections have been rendered obsolete.”

“Okay.” Tony squeezed at the blood toxicity monitor until the casing edges cut into his palm. “Newest estimations?”

“Given your rate of use with the reactor and the new, more powerful prototype, my previous count of three months with minimal usage will need to be dialed back to little more than eight weeks, sir.”

“Okay.” He said again, almost neutrally as if he wasn’t discussing an expiration date with his AI. “Okay, little more than eight weeks. So all the tests I ran in the War Machine prototype over the last few days cost me what, seven days?”

“Eleven days, actually.”

“Okay.” Tony said a third time, mostly because he didn’t know what else to say. “That's-- thanks, J.”

The tests were necessary, they really were. Coding Rhodey’s suit ahead of time was important because Tony was running out of time. The Senate was definitely going to order him to turn over the tech, and even if they didn’t, the suits would definitely be confiscated by the Department of Defense at some point whether Tony was around or not. The least he could do was make sure armor could only be used by one man, that the technology inside was coded to the one person Tony knew wouldn’t make a mockery or a weapon out of what was supposed to be a shield.

Right after Obadiah, Rhodey had been so purposefully casually about eyeballing the still unfinished silver suit and commenting, “You should come up with a name for your tech, Tony. Calling it ‘the suit’ doesn’t seem like enough. I’d call it...War Machine or something.”

War Machine and Tony had etched the name in tiny letters along the jawline of the helmet so when Rhodey suited up for the first time, he’d hopefully remember that throw away comment and laugh a little bit.

War Machine and it was fine tuned to the point of near impossible maneuvers, filled to the brim with every prototype weapon Tony had designed for his own suit and a few more that were meant for something a little more hulking, a little more heavy duty. An individual arc reactor placed within the molded chest would power the suit for ever with the added benefit of not poisoning the wearer and--

--and Tony’s hands shook when he unscrewed the cap on a green smoothie.

37%.

“How is the uh--” the first drink was always brutal, and Tony had to put his head down and suck in a deep breath to get over the taste. “--how is the suitcase suit coming? We need a better name for that, don’t we?”

“Perhaps we can call it a football, sir.”

“Right.” Tony nodded a few times. “Carry it in a briefcase just like all the nuke launch codes. That will definitely reinforce the Senate’s thought of my suit being a weapon of mass destruction. Great idea.”

“Your mockery wounds me.”

“No, I was serious.” Tony laughed up at the petulant AI. “We’ll call it a football. Make Happy practice playing catch with it. Uhhhh okay. Football. How is it coming?”

“Nearly completed.”

“Good. I need an option beyond hauling the full suit everywhere, and so will Rhodey. Have we started construction on the individual gauntlets yet? I’m thinking something that comes out of my watch.”

“It will have to be near nano technology to accomplish that, but we can try.”

“Let’s try. I’d like the football ready before Monaco, I need to take it for a test drive somewhere outside of Dum-E’s fire extinguisher range.” Tony glanced over at the impressive dent in the lab ceiling that had been one of his very first test runs. “Also some place where if the repulsors come online too soon, I can hit the atmosphere and not the ceiling.”

“Of course sir. Hurtling off into unknown and uncharted space would always be the preferred option before bouncing off support beams and landing on priceless car collections.”

“You know me too well, J.” Tony leaned back in the chair and blew out a deep breath. “Show me the night sky. Stars above Manhattan, maybe. What I’d be looking at if I actually had the time to build that tower.”

“Does this mean you’ve decided to scrap the plans for Stark Tower?” The space above Tony’s head lit holographic blue then settled into a starry night, the correct constellations and moon placement for the Manhattan sky projected against the ceiling.

“I won’t have a chance to even get the blueprints approved.” Tony stared up at the stars, sipping idly from his smoothie. “No sense doing that when I won’t be around to see the ground breaking ceremony.”

“Sir, if I may--”

“Maybe blasting off into the atmosphere wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.” Tony interrupted. “I’ve always wanted to see space, maybe I’ll get lucky and the new suit will tear a hole in the sky and show me what’s beyond, what’s waiting out there.”

And softer, “It’d be a good way to go, don’t you think? Space?”

The artificial star light reflected off the tears gathering in Tony’s eyes and he tried to blink them away. “Would be nice to skip the poisoning and the hospice care and the heart failure and everyone crying, you know. Higher, faster, further like our friend Carol used to say. She did it, she just went right up there into the sky higher, faster further and she never came back down again. Fuckin’ wild.”

Another sip. “My repulsors are better than the prototype light speed engine was, a little bit of torque and we could break the sound barrier ten times over and then some. I could take the suit up until the thrusters give out and then we could just float up there in the stars. Fall asleep and drift away.”

JARVIS was quiet and Tony put a heart to his chest as it squeezed around a too choppy breath. “Would be nice to just fall asleep, J. It’d be nice to finally get some rest.”

The stars above Manhattan moved too slowly to notice, but Tony sat and watched them anyway, alone in the semi dark lab for close to an hour before his watch pinged that it was time to get on the plane towards New York.

“Save this for me.” Tony reached out and touched one of the tiny specks of lights, his fingers passing through the hologram. “Save it so I can look at it again, okay?”

“Of course, sir.”

“Thank you.” Tony gathered up a few things for his pockets then ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. If he was going to go on what was sort of a first date with an amnesiac former soldier, he should probably wash some of the depression off first. “I’m off to the Expo, J. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck.” JARVIS said automatically, and then, “Please come home again, sir. I wish you all the rest in the world, but I’d rather it be here than drifting off in the stars.”

Tony’s smile up at the ceiling was wobbly and a little sad.

“Good night, J.”

**************

The Stark jet cut the nearly five hour flight from Malibu to New York down to little more than two hours, and Tony spent most of it sitting next to Pepper going through notes for his speech, additional paperwork for the company and what looked like several minutes of nothing but Tony teasing the formidable redhead and Pepper giving it all right back and then some if Tony’s faux wounded expressions were anything to go by.

They were laughing and a few times Tony reached to hold Pepper’s hand, winding their fingers together and kissing her knuckles while Pepper just rolled her eyes at whatever he said. They were clearly best friends, clearly in sync after what James had found out was over a decade of working together and it was honestly remarkable to see.

More than once Tony finished Pepper's sentences, at least twice she took a bite of her food and then handed him the fork to take a bite of his own. Tony reached to touch the reactor beneath his shirt and Pepper brushed his hands away, she fiddled with the top button of her suit and Tony suggested showing more cleavage if she didn't like being so buttoned up and Pepper only sighed.

A very very quiet part of the soldier felt a twinge of jealousy whenever Pepper would get a full laugh out of Tony, but he pushed it away every time. Jealousy over such a close friendship was ridiculous and unnecessary and the sort of thing that made James's throat taste bitter. He didn't remember past relationships, didn't know if he'd ever been in love but he remembered being jealous when other people could be open with their love and their desires and he had to hide.

Why he had hid, James wasn't really sure. But he remembered the jealousy twisting his stomach and the unfairness of it all making his chest too tight and he didn't want to feel that way ever when he looked at Tony and Pepper.

So James pushed it away and looked out the window instead, watched the clouds race by beneath the jet as it tore through the sky towards New York and when Tony finally finished up with Pepper and came to sit in the chair across from him, James looked up with a ready smile.

“Hey. All done working?”

“At least for right now. Plane rides are supposed to be relaxing, not about crunching numbers or ignoring the person I'm set to spend the evening with.” Tony stretched out in the chair and loosened his tie as he looked James over, lingering over the stretch of the red sweater over James's frankly ridiculous shoulders. Wow. “You--” seriously, wow. “-- you look great.”

“Duds this nice will make any fella look great.” James's heart flip flopped a little when Tony kept looking, and he touched at his empty left sleeve self consciously. “Sure was nice of the store people to send over one of those fancy pins for this side. I just cut the sleeves off all my other shirts.”

“You'll be two thumbs up in no time, so please don't hack at your new clothes.” Tony nudged his foot against James. “You'll need both sleeves eventually.”

James grinned and slid his foot further alongside Tony's shoe. “Sure thing, Tony.”

“You know,” Tony cocked his head and tried to pretend like playing footsy wasn't making him blush. He was over forty years old, damn it. “When you're relaxed you sound like you're from New York but like, New York from the movies. Saturday Night Fever, Bronx Tale, West Side Story. That style.”

“Oh yeah?” James raised his eyebrows. “What does that mean?”

“It means--” Tony started to say something about smooth accents and flirty one-liners, about pretty boys with greasy hair and leather jackets and slick dance moves, but changed his mind because it was a little embarrassing to admit his short lived musical obsession had basically shaped his wet dreams for a good five years.

“It means you sort of sound old fashioned. Not in uh-- not in a bad way. My Auntie Peggy was around in the forties and whenever she tells war stories she copies how the boys talked back then and you remind me of it a little bit.”

James still looked confused and Tony waved him off with a self conscious laugh. “Never mind. It doesn't matter. Ignore all that and focus on not cutting up your sweater, yeah? I like the red on you.”

“That's why I picked it out.” James answered honestly, and Tony's dark eyes sparked in interest. “Knew you liked the red and figured if you were gonna dress up, maybe I should dress up a little too?”

“I don't know if I'm necessarily dressed up.” Tony picked at the hem of his suit jacket. “The monkey suit is standard outfit for CEO's of multi billion dollar--”

“Former CEO, darling!” Pepper called and Tony grinned, “ --former CEO's of multi billion dollar companies. I wouldn't be wearing this at all if I thought Pep would let me wear my sneakers and ACDC shirt. Only upside of this thing is that I can spill cotton candy on my shirt all day and then button the jacket and no one would know any better.”

“Cotton candy?” Oh James remembered that, he knew he did. Overly sweet and pastel colored, sugar-grit teeth and sticky fingers. Eating a big piece of it and then passing some over to St—to St--

--migraine. Instant and blinding--

--passing it over to someone who would get sick after eating only a few bites, so James would toss it in the trash and pretend to have a stomach ache too so they wouldn't feel bad.

Shit his head hurt, but James got a glimpse of dark blue eyes and a stubborn smile before the memory faded away to nothing, and when he opened his eyes again Tony was watching him closely.

“Where'd you go?” Tony asked quietly, and James whispered just as quietly, “I don't... don't really know. You said cotton candy and I got a flash of something... I dunno.”

“Things are coming back to you?”

“I'm not sure.” James leaned forward in the seat and pushed his hand into his hair, groaning under his breath as the migraine throbbed at his temples. “Just bits and pieces is all.”

“Makes sense.” Tony reached to touch James's shoulder but stopped himself at the last second. “I mean, you getting flashes of memories right now. I'm not exactly stable but this is probably the most stable you've been in a while?”

“At least a year.”

“Right.” Again, Tony reached out to try and touch and comfort, and again he let his hand drop away. James hadn't wanted to be touched right away the last time he'd had a hard time, he probably didn't want it now. “Repressed memories have a nasty habit of showing up right when we think we're moving on, life gets low stress and suddenly our dreams get stressful. It happens.”

“Yeah? You real familiar with it?” James tried to slow his breathing down, purposefully inhaling and then forcefully exhaling until the extra oxygen erased the sparks behind his eyes. “Why's that?”

“I'm the king of repressing--”

“Christ, my head hurts. Tony, will you c'mere and sit by me?”

“--memories.” Tony waved at one of the stewardesses and tapped at his own temple so she would bring him some headache medication, then slid out of his own seat and into the one next to James, rotating so their knees touched. “Better?”

“Thank you.” James's fingers tightened in his hair. “Why are you the king of repressing memories?”

“A whole list of reasons that would only make your headache worse.” Tony hesitated, hesitated, hesitated, then finally tried to untangle James's fingers, loosening the digits one by one until James relented and relaxed, clasping Tony's hand warm in his own. “...better?”

“Thank you.” James said again, instantly feeling better now that he was holding tight to Tony instead of pulling at his own hair, the migraine easing as he quit chasing the thought about cotton candy and forced himself back to the moment. “Sorry. Trying to force the memories--”

“--gives you a headache.” Tony finished and James smiled the tiniest bit cos Tony was completing his sentences just like Pepper did. “Yeah been there, done that.”

“Don't wanna ruin tonight by having a headache.” James muttered apologetically. “Sorry, Tony.”

“Tonight hasn't even started.” Tony waved the apology off, squeezed at James's hand and then let go. “Don't worry about it. We'll both have headaches by the time we get through the noise and crowds at the Expo, it's fine.”

“Okay.” James sort of hated that Tony had let go of his hand, but he didn't comment, only smoothed his hair back where it'd come free from the messy bun and cleared his throat. “How far out are we?”

“About an hour.” Tony didn't go back to his own chair, and James nudged at his knee gratefully. “How much news do you watch, James?”

“Um.” James blinked, thrown by the abrupt topic change. “None?”

“None.” Tony repeated. “At all?”

“Don't watch TV unless you're making me watch some god-awful movie.” James admitted and Tony's smile flashed quick and pleased. “Why?”

“I've been on the news a lot lately.” Tony hedged. “Just uh-- just curious if you'd seen anything I needed to explain or apologize for maybe?”

“Apologize?”

“Like if you learned about my weird sunglasses collection or that I eat everything with a three tined fork instead of a four tined like a normal person.” Tony suggested, and James's shoulders shook with quiet laughter. “The press knows a lot about me and you don't really know much about me so...”

He let the sentence trail off, watching closely for anything like recognition on James's face. The downside of a migraine of course, was that it hurt to even breathe. The upside of a migraine was that it was impossible to hide even the smallest reactions when your head felt like it might explode and Tony didn't really want to use it as a way to get a glimpse at James's thoughts, but he did it anyway because he wanted to know.

Truth be told, Tony was starting to wonder just how long he could keep Iron Man quiet from James before it slid from 'need to know basis' towards 'you were lying to me' accusations. If James hadn't figured out that Tony was the same Tony Stark that was also Iron Man, Tony didn't really want to say anything. But if James had figured it out and was just staying quiet for privacy's sake... well Tony didn't want to let it go too long just in case the soldier started to think Tony was leaving him out of things.

So Tony asked again, “Heard anything about me lately?”

“Everything I want to know about you I learn when we're together like this.” James answered, and with a smile that had no business being both shy and almost unbearably hopeful, “And I like all of it so far.”

Tony flushed a surprised pink, and up near the front of the plane, Pepper just rolled her eyes when she caught it.

Idiot boys practically in love.

Sheesh.

***************

“I've had a lot of people ask me where the dancers are this time around.” Tony stood up on stage in front of the thousands of people who had come to the Expo tonight, alone except for the old fashioned microphone he held in one hand. “I know, I know, you were hoping for more explosions, more fireworks, definitely some more bikinis and high kicks, right?”

The crowd tittered in agreement and Tony's mouth ticked up in a quick smile. “Yeah, we all love that, we all love science when it’s accompanied by pretty girls and loud music. Here's the thing about science though. Science isn't always big leap forward in technology, it's not always flashy designs and world changing breakthroughs and Nobel prizes. Most of the time science is quiet.”

Appropriately, Tony paused for a breath and the audience held theirs in anticipation.

“Most of the time science is still.” he said even softer, and the crowd edged forward with wide eyes, sure that this was all just build up to something incredible. “Most of the time science is one little adjustment that somehow changes life as we know it and maybe not even as we know it, but changes life as one person knows it and sometimes, that's enough.”

Tony held up the microphone and the cameras zoomed in on it. “This is the same microphone my Dad used at the World's Fair Expo back in World War II. Well--” another one of those quick smiles. “--it's not exactly the same microphone, but it's an exact working replica with exactly the sort of tech upgrades you would expect from Stark Industries. Why does that matter, though? Why do any of you care about me getting weirdly sentimental about a copy of a microphone my Dad once spit all over?”

The audience laughed again and Tony swallowed past the lump in his throat. “It matters because it's only in looking to the past that we find answers for our future. What were once ground breaking theories are today the building blocks our of standard operations. All the pieces that make up my next generation Stark phone started out in something as simple as this mic right here.”

Tony held up the microphone again. “Seventy years ago, my dad stood on a stage just like this one and bragged about a flying car that only got a few inches off the ground. What he considered a spectacular failure was actually the inspiration for my Stark repulsor engines that will revolutionize the fuel industry and put an end to oil spills and dumps in the most fragile parts of our eco systems.”

“The past teaches us how to move forward, what steps to avoid and which leaps to take and we can't forget that. That's why I re-started the Expo-- learning from looking back before we move forward and that's what science is about.”

A smattering of applause and Tony waited until it died down. “Science isn't always flashy.” He said again. “Most of the time it's quiet. But even the quiet discoveries matter, whether they become something that changes the world later on, or never do anything more significant than what this microphone does right here--”

Tony paused, smiled, “--connects us to people we love.”

The lights dimmed and Tony set the modified microphone down on the stage, pressed a few buttons and stepped away as it split into pieces and assembled itself into something of a tripod. The microphone-turned-robot rotated its speaker to face the audience, a separate projector unhinged from the back and--

--”Hey Ma.” A young soldier clearly somewhere sandy, waving at the audience from the holographic screen the microphone had projected above the crowd. “I hope you're having a good time out there tonight, I love you and I miss you and I'll be home soon.”

“This message is for my brother!” Another soldier head to toe in combat gear, grinning into the camera. “Mr. Stark said he'd get you a ticket to the Expo tonight so I hope you showed up! This message is coming to you from way the fuck over in Sand Dune Country and I love you, but I'm glad you're home safe with my new niece-y instead of slogging through this mess with me. Be home soon!”

The messages kept rolling, and one by one different people in the audience burst into tear and cheers as they saw their deployed loved one up on the screen for a surprise message. It had taken months to coordinate-- sending out Stark phones to the soldiers to submit a video, getting tickets to their family and making sure they had a ride to the Expo and a place to stay-- months to coordinate, and Tony stood back behind the curtain of the stage and listened to them play as he looked down at the picture of him and the soldier in the convoy in Afghanistan.

Despite Tony's only half serious warning to the soldier back then, the picture had been promptly posted on social media and now Tony was grateful for it. Three minutes after the picture had been taken the convoy had been attacked and all those young people-- all those kids had been lost.

“Hey Mom, Dad. Sorry I missed your anniversary but I'll be back for Christmas and will make it up in hugs then!”

Tony closed his phone and cleared his throat as the audience burst into shouts when a local boy from Flushing popped up on the screen with his message. Speech was done, crowd was appropriately wowed and now he had a sort of date with James to get back to.

It wasn’t the time to get maudlin and teary, not tonight.

“Tony.” Pepper looked immensely proud, and Tony tore his eyes away from the almost blinding smile on James's face to accept a kiss from her. “Well done. I really thought you were going to bring out the dancers again, and I'm so glad you didn't.”

“It pains me to admit that no science has been accomplished when booty shorts and high heels were in the general vicinity.” Tony said faux seriously. “The dancers were a necessary sacrifice for the moment.”

“Well I appreciate it.” Pepper chuckled and kissed him one more time. “I have to network since apparently everyone wants to talk to the new CEO--”

“--and I have cotton candy to buy and experiment booths to check out.” Tony finished, cutting Pepper off before she could suggest he go along with her. “Toodle-oo and all that. Have fun.”

The moment Pepper disappeared into the crowd, Tony turned back to James, hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels as he asked, “So. How did I do? Can I color you impressed?”

“You can color me whatever you want, Tony.” James grinned and Tony barked a surprised laugh at the blatant flirting. “Was a good speech, but I think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard you really talk about your dad. Were you and him close?”

“Not even a little bit.” Tony shook his head, then motioned for James to follow him to the outer paths of the Expo so they could walk the perimeter where it was a little quieter. “He was always busy working and I was always busy being as obnoxious as possible. He and Ma were gone before I was old enough to realize what I was missing out on so--” Tony shrugged like the memory of that last night with his parents still didn't hurt like a knife in his heart. “--anyway. This whole Expo was his idea, he brought it back in the seventies, always wanted to do it again so I thought now was as good a time as any.”

“Huh.” James looked down at where their hands were nearly touching as they walked, wondering if he could just grab Tony's hand and hold it for a little bit, wondering if that was okay outside of either of them having a panic attack.“You said something about a flying car?”

“Back in the forties, my Dad wanted to show off this flying car idea, so he brought it to the Worlds Fair.” Tony flashed a peace sign at a girl when she squealed and pointed at him in excitement. “Howard's always considered it his great embarrassment, to have created something that failed in the public eye but you know-- it's been seventy something years and we still haven't gotten any closer to flying cars? Even his failure was a good century ahead of it's time.”

“Your Dad's name was Howard? Howard Stark?” That sounded familiar in some empty aching way, but James forgot about it when he stopped in front of what looked like an old timey war advertisement for the draft, pictures in black and white of soldiers marching off in neat lines. It made his head hurt the same way memories always did and he blinked at the display a few times. “What's this?”

“Traditionally the World's Fair and Expo were events to drum up that All American spirit.” Tony tapped the vintage posters and mocked one of the old radio voices, “Look at how great our country is doing with these advancements! Look how much money we have to put this show on! Don't you feel patriotic? Don't wait for the draft, real American men sign up willingly for their country!”

“People could sign up for the army right here at the fair.” Ouch that drummed at the back of James's mind, and when he caught a flash of shaggy blonde hair out of the corner of his eye, the drumming got worse. “They did that?”

“All the time.” Tony scoffed like he couldn't believe it. “Just boys too, kids really. Came for the party, left for the cause. Mind boggling. We don't do that here, no way. I'd never ask people to show up for cotton candy and then hope they join the war effort, that's nuts. But they did back in the day and the boys that went off to war-- “

He sighed out loud. “Well you know. They don't always come back whole. So this is a nice reference to days gone by, little bit of nostalgia, a way to remember them I guess. Besides, America's greatest hero signed up for the war effort at one of these things, it would be a shame to just ignore it I think.”

“Huh.” James didn't want another headache like the one he'd had on the plane so he stepped away from the Army display and towards a cotton candy vendor. “Time for sweets?”

“Oh, it is always time for sweets.”

*******************

It was easy to get lost in the Expo, easy and more fun than either man had had in ages wandering from booth to booth and taking the circular paths between the connected sections to sample all the different foods, resting on the grass and beneath the planted trees when their feet got tired, browsing through the vendors shops and trying their hand at any scientific demonstration that took volunteers.

James was fascinated by everything from the wireless electronics to the slime that exploded all over them when he added too much of whatever was in the purple beaker. The soldier laughed until he nearly choked seeing Tony with neon green slime in his perfectly combed hair, and was still laughing when Tony dragged him to a demonstration that had a ball and a fancy light and zapped James with enough electricity to make his scruff stand right up on his chin.

“I love roller coasters!” James announced at one point because somehow he knew that was true but Tony begged off the ride with a hand over his arc reactor an apologetic smile so instead they climbed into one of the rowboats at the man made lake and rowed across it to see all the different water experiments-- artificial plant life that would help sustain life in otherwise barren bodies of water, hybrid fish that grew bigger than their predecessors but took less time to mature for a faster food source, personal purification processes that only needed a mild current to activate the device and provide clean drinking water.

After the lake was a sphere that simulated life on a distant planet and James took one look at it and shook his head, digging his feet in figuratively and literally as Tony tugged at his arm and pleaded, “Don't you want to know what it would be like to live on Mars!?” and retorting, “Tony, m'still trying to figure out Earth!”

A display that required goggles and gloves as scientists replicated the creation of new elements, some that synthesized with nothing more than a quiet hiss, some that exploded loud enough to make James grab Tony and turn around, trying to shield the smaller brunette with his body. Tony laughed at him then, laughed and then checked that James was okay and not triggered by it, laughed and then blushed a little when James's arm lingered at his waist just a second longer than necessary.

“Elements are the building blocks of the universe.” James read on a sign after reluctantly letting Tony go. “So this is what everything is made of.”

“Everything.” Tony confirmed.

“So how do they make new ones?”

“Apparently with a bang.” Tony said wryly and James grinned sheepishly.

“Have you made one in that fancy lab?”

“I've never even tried.” Tony admitted after a minute of thought. “I sort of remember Dad talking about making a new one ages ago, he had designs and diagrams for it but I must have only been eight or nine, I barely remember it. I bet his notes are around somewhere in all the boxes Pepper won't let me throw away.”

“Why haven't you tried?” James looked back at the display when another element went bang! and someone else screamed. “Bet you're smart enough to do it.”

“I'm smart enough.” Tony agreed, wrinkling his nose into a smile when James huffed at him teasingly. “But I've been busy, got all these other projects going on and all of them seem more important than creating new building blocks for the universe. That's like designing a new Lego. It's great and all, but who cares? There’s enough of them out there, why do we need another?”

“Lego.” James repeated. “What--”

“I've got millions of them in storage at Malibu, we'll pull them out one day and I'll show you why I hold the MIT record for fastest recorded time building an entire Death Star model.”

“Half those words don't mean anything to me, Tony.” James admitted, tone just a little clipped in frustration. “Sorry.”

“You don't have to apologize for what you're missing.” Tony waved him off and James pointed out, “Happy said that exact same thing to me.”

“He's said the exact same thing to me many times.” They passed a knife display, and Tony pointed one out to James that was somehow even fancier than the one in the store had been. “Except when I black out drunk, then he yells at me for what I miss. He's right to do it, too. How about that knife? You like that one?”

“Too pretty to kill someone with.” James said bluntly, and when Tony's jaw dropped open in shock, he apologized, “Ah hell, sorry. Dunno why I said that.”

“Christ you're intense.” Tony only laughed though, and pushed James on from the display. “Maybe we don't say things like that in the middle of a crowd. Maybe we just get some more cotton candy.”

“Probably a good idea.” James felt foolish for blurting out the killing thing, foolish and embarrassed as hell but it was so easy to speak his thoughts around Tony, that one had just... slipped out.

Usually James thought about what he wanted to say, turned it over in his mind until he felt like it sounded normal, weighed his words and modulated his tone and then spoke, but he didn't have to do that with Tony. He didn't even have to pretend to be okay around Tony, he could just be James and all the broken pieces and panic attacks and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and then maybe sometimes saying the wrong thing at the right time cos Tony would smile up at him sort of like he was doing right now--

--oh shit, he hadn't been listening.

“Lost you for a minute.” Tony never said it like he was judging James, only ever like he knew what it was like to get lost in his head and maybe be a little afraid of never finding his way out again. “Where'd you go?”

“Was thinkin' bout ya.” The words slipped out soft and a little lyrical, the voice in James's head that Tony said sounded Brooklyn speaking up enough to be smooth and charming. “How it's um-- how it's so easy to be with you.”

“Yeah, I'm a real catch.” Tony sassed immediately, but his smile was just for James when he continued, “You're easy to be around too. Not what I expected when I invaded your booth at the diner for the sake of awkward conversation and what definitely sounded like a proposition.”

“Were you propositionin' me, sugar?” James asked, low and coaxing and surprising because he hadn't meant to call Tony sugar, hadn't meant to turn the conversation this way but now Tony was staring up at him with stars in his eyes and sort of leaning forward and hell, James didn't remember much of anything at all but he knew what this moment meant so he leaned forward too and--

“Oh Jesus, not right here.” Tony jerked back a step, both hands up and expression going guarded even as he tried to laugh the moment off. “No, um-- no. That's not--”

Shit. “Shit, sorry.” James backed up too, face flaming and heart clenching in his chest. “Sorry, Tony I just thought-- I mean you were lookin' at me like that and I thought you wanted--”

“No, you don't have to say sorry, that's not your fault, I should have--” Tony looked like he was sort of panicking, a hand at his chest and another held up so James wouldn't get closer. “Damn it. This-- this just got really awkward.”

“Tony, I'm sorry.”

“Nope. My fault for making you think--” Tony's throat jerked as he swallowed. Hello insecurities from twenty fives years in the closet. “-- it's fine, James. It's fine. Let's just keep walking. There's still a lot to see and I want you to see it all so let's just--” another hard swallow. “Let's just keep walking.”

“Um. Sure.” James fell back into step next to Tony, and after a minute the brunette started talking again, chattering about whatever they were passing, telling a story about something he and Rhodey did one time or another, and after another few minutes James relaxed enough to even laugh a little at the stories.

But the moment from before was gone, the easy smiles and the quick laughter, the way their hands had brushed once, twice, three times as they wandered the paths.

That moment was gone and James felt it's absence like a slap in the face.

He really couldn't trust his mind could he? Not even in this, not even when he was one hundred percent sure Tony had wanted a kiss.

Couldn't trust his mind even with things that should come natural, cos findin’ a fella and wanting to kiss him-- that should come real natural right?

....Right?

Christ, he was broken.

****************

“Ms. Potts, you asked me to find as much information as possible on James?” Natalie found Pepper out on the balcony of the hotel room, overlooking the lights of the Expo in the adjoining field. “I'm afraid I wasn't able to find much.”

“Alright then.” Pepper was halfway through her first drink of the night, weary lines creased at the corner of her eyes. “Tell me what you found anyway.”

“The diner where Mr. Stark and James met was apparently an every day spot for James.” Natalie rattled off the information she'd learned in short, quick sentences. “Waitresses say he was polite but quiet. He glared at anyone who messed with them so they always let him stay longer than anyone else. They identified the shelter down the block as one where James slept, I spoke to the church folk who run the shelter and they said he was quiet and polite as well. Has no or little memories of anything past a year ago, has never showed any signs of violence or even a temper and they have no idea what happened to his arm beyond knowing he used to be a soldier.”

“Okay well.” Pepper pursed her lips and blew out a breath. “Anyone that would keep waitresses from being harassed and could survive a year in a shelter without losing their temper couldn't be all that bad. Why do you look so worried about him?”

“Not worried.” Natalie smoothed the anxious from her expression. The news about James was so opposite of who she knew 'James' was that it was giving her a headache, but she ignored it to smile at her employer. “Not worried at all, Ms. Potts. Simply wondering if we should add James to the insurance plan if he's going to spend time with Mr. Stark in the lab or even traveling with us.”

“Of course, that's an excellent idea, see that it gets done.”

“Yes, Ms. Potts. Will there be anything else?”

“Have you booked our flights to Monaco?” Pepper poured herself a second drink and picked up her phone to scroll through the dozens of congratulatory emails still rolling in from various shareholders and board members. “Add a seat for James, I think he will most likely be going along with Tony anywhere at this point.”

“Do you think...” Natalie hesitated. “Are they involved?”

“Would that offend you in any way, Natalie?” Pepper arched a graceful eyebrow towards her new assistant. “Because if so, you are welcome to tell me why and then to pack your things and leave immediately because I won't tolerate--”

“Ms. Potts.” Natalie held her hand up and shook her head. “I was simply wondering for reasons of hotel rooms. I am the last person to have any sort of issue with whether or not Mr. Stark prefers his dates as blessed as I am--” a pat at her chest and Pepper snorted a laugh. “--or as blessed as James is.”

Pepper laughed even harder, “Well then, by all means book us four rooms. Two adjoining for you and I, two adjoining for Tony and James. I'm not sure if they will share or not and to be honest, I'd rather not know. I like to think as CEO my days of knowing the status of Tony's bed partners are behind me.”

“Of course, Ms. Potts.” Natalie smiled. “Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“'You too Natalie, thank you.”

Pepper went back to sipping at her drink and idly reading emails and when the exhaustion of the day finally caught up to her, she turned in for the night. Her calendar was so full these days and she was so tired and oh Lord, the sun would be up in just a few hours and she’d have to start another day all over again...

... ...

...On the other side of the world the sun was coming up, brilliant and beautiful over the skyline of Monaco and at the international airport, it was time for a shift change as the night workers called their goodbyes and switched spots with the early morning crew.

The young man at the counter had only barely clocked in when the doors opened and a line of international passengers flooded the terminals. Checking passports was easy enough so long as the passengers had their papers in order, and he went through two dozen entries before any one passport caught his eye and tripped the computer's marker.

“Oh, this should just take a second to double check, sorry about that Mr.--” he paused when he saw the myriad of tattoos on the man, the bedraggled black and white hair, gold teeth glinting back at him. “Uh, is it Vanko? What um-- what brings you to Monaco?”

“I'm working at the Grand Prix.” came the gravelly answer, a smile that was somehow savage stretching the man's lips. “Hoping to catch up with an old friend.”

“Oh.” the computer okay'ed the passport, so the attendant handed it back quickly. “Well um-- welcome to Monaco. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

“I plan to.”

*****************

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*****************

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#ncts fics #winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes #pepper potts #natasha romanov

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itsuki-minamy · 3 years

Text

“K SIDE: PURPLE 06”

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

K - Side: Purple (Chapter List)

The next day.

Yukari calmly appeared on the vacant lot and asked Hase to practice.

"Please, teacher."

Hase could only scratch his head and growl, "Um.", at Yukari who said again.

He wasn't mad at Yukari. Rather, he just wondered if he was in a bad mood for Yukari. He didn't know why he adopted such a tough attitude, but Hase knows that he is a boring person. Somehow, he thinks he has touched something that should not be touched.

Hase crossed his arms.

Holding a wooden sword, Yukari stood there. The expression is a bit strained, probably because even this boy really cares about yesterday. On the other hand, Hase seemed to like the attitude of not apologizing or making an excuse. He's begging for him to teach him, but he doesn't want to give up yesterday's anger.

On the contrary, even if he pushes that anger away, this boy wants to learn the sword by himself.

Hase exhaled heavily and faced Yukari with a wooden sword in hand.

"Yukari. I'll take back what I said earlier."

Yukari blinks. Hase smiles as he holds his sword before his eyes.

"I said I was in the middle of my own training, but I wanted to see the limits of your talent. As a teacher of the Miwa Meishin style, I will teach you properly from now on."

"……"

It was the first time he saw this boy's expression overflowing with joy.

Hase felt ticklish and at the same time remembered regret for having gone away for the first time in a long time. Hase yells cheerfully, shaking thoughts from him and clutching the handle of the sword.

"Alright! Attack from anywhere!"

"Yes."

Yukari's response was calm, as if he was trying to curb the overflowing joy. However, the flames of fire in his eyes are no different than yesterday. Curiosity and passion. It seems that defeat and regret are not in Yukari's heart at all.

The flexible body jumps without hesitation and hits hard. Hase's eyes narrowed dazzlingly and met him squarely.

Truth be told, yesterday's fix was Hase's fault.

The difference in ability between Hase and Yukari is clear. He is a first-class sword master, and a beginner who has just grasped the sword. It would have been easy for Hase to get rid of Yukari without having to leave him so badly.

However, he did not do that because Hase's instinct as a swordsman seemed higher than he expected upon seeing a sword for the first time in a long time.

To put it in other words, Yukari's talent was incredible. He wanted to work as a swordsman, not as a teacher. Thus, he played a trick like taking him down with a single attack and stun him.

However, Hase is different now.

As a master he was seriously adjusting to face the swordsman Mishakuji Yukari.

As a result, what happened was that Yukari was "cut" dozens of times.

He smashed his head, penetrated between his eyebrows, cut his neck, hit his chest, slaughtered his belly, and both hands and feet were shattered.

Of course, that was not the case. Hase's wooden sword didn't even touch Yukari. Everything came to a halt in a single attack, leaving Yukari to naturally admit defeat.

Yukari squeezed his omnipotence and tried to resist. He wants to do at least one attack. Otherwise, he will want to stop using the sword. Surprisingly mature Yukari, only with a youthful spirit, boldly attacked and did everything to the max.

"Okay, that's it!"

Hase bows with the wooden sword at his waist. Sweat is slightly wetting him, and he can't even see how tired he is.

On the other hand, Mishakuji had his wooden sword against the ground for support, and he was standing there with a sigh at best.

"Uh..."

Sorry to overdo it. Yesterday, it was likely that he had hit him badly, so this time he was more careful than necessary. It may have damaged the child's self-esteem.

Hase pulled the water bottle from his chest and handed it to Yukari. Yukari leans on the wooden sword and looks him in the eye.

"Take it."

"……"

Returning something head-on, Yukari received it. In that rhythm, power is released from his waist and sticks to the spot. Sweat beading his brows, Mishakuji straightened his knees and sat down again, resting his mouth on the water bottle.

Hase does the same, after seeing Purple take a breath.

"You are bold."

With that said, Mishakuji looked mysteriously at Hase.

"But you're too bold. I'm impressed that you just drop your defenses and avoids and jump just to hit me."

"But if I don't, I couldn't manage to even attack my master."

Hase responds to Yukari's unsatisfied voice as if to remind him.

"It would not be possible to just attack. Since you are faced with a sword, the main way is to control the opponent and find the winning line. You can also sit down and look for your opponent's weaknesses, right?"

"Against an opponent you can't beat, do you mean to stay until you win?"

"Instead of a special attack prepared to smash, I still have more eyes on that."

Yukari still seems dissatisfied. Ask yourself.

"Isn't that beautiful?"

"……"

Yukari did not reply and refused. Hase crossed his arms with a "Fu."

"I really don't understand what you mean by 'beauty'. Is it more important than the outcome of a win or a loss?"

Yukari looked up and looked at Hase. No matter the technique, after practicing for a month or so, he has come to understand a bit what this kid is thinking. That is to say,

"What? Don't you get it right?"

Yukari had a bad expression on his face.

Hase was about to explode. Still, this boy's desire for "beautiful things" may not be false. He just can't put it into words.

Hase also understood that feeling. Originally he is not the one who speaks well. He takes into account what he feels, and he has spent half of his life that way.

After a while, Yukari said in a low voice.

"The sword movement you showed me that night was beautiful."

That night was when the bully who was attacking Yukari, was hit by a "quick hit". Yukari connects the words.

"I don't know how to put it. He's straight, slim, and doesn't hesitate. I might find him 'beautiful'."

Ah, Hase seemed to be good at it.

"Sure. Sword art can have the 'beauty' you say if you go all the way. I don't know if I've reached that level."

"No."

Looking at Hase, Mishakuji says in a strong tone.

"That is not the case. The technique was certainly beautiful. So…"

Having said that, Mishakuji stopped.

Hase bows his head. So…? Hase, who admits to himself and others, could not guess the words that followed.

Mishakuji looked at Hase with a kind look, but soon sighed as if he had given up. He stands up, puts the sword on his waist and thanks.

"Thanks for practicing with me today."

"Oh, also, nice to practice with you too."

Hase also hastily got up and bowed. Seeing that, Mishakuji laughed. Unable to understand the meaning of the smile, Hase scratched his head with his hand.

"Well for now, are you going home for today?"

"Before that, let's take a shower. Sayuri makes a lot of noise when I come back dirty. Would you like to eat at 'Hanawarabe' today?"

"Um, that's correct. Let's do that."

When Hase starts walking, Yukari follows him. Hase and Mishakuji went home together, with a bitter smile in their heart, saying that it was very different from yesterday.

++++++++++

Noriya Haraki was sitting in a corner of the detention center and looking at his hands.

Around the room, criminals with similar circumstances crouched in the same way. It's not a herd or a fight, and he casts a vague glance beyond the walls, ceilings, and railings. Realizing that he was definitely one of them, he clicked his tongue.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He is not a person to be put in such a place.

It does not mean that he is not guilty. If that's the case, he has been counting it over and over again. Since he was less than 20 years old, he has been stealing and swindling. If society were to be divided back and forth, then he would definitely be a "later" resident.

Still, he feels the current treatment of him is unfair.

There are supposed to be younger people here. Young pawns, they know nothing and can be treated as convenient for the group. As a young leader, that's what these guys do here, that's the industry.

However, the "youth" are gone.

Did they turn to charcoal or ash and spread to the ground or scattered across the sky? Life and existence have disappeared without a trace.

"Tsk!"

Remembering that moment, his body trembles.

If he had returned to Takeido-cho's office at that time, he too would have disappeared from the world.

What is still burned on the back of the eyelids is bright red and black.

Kagutsu's flame that burns the night sky.

Men in black screaming frantically in that context.

Until now, he thought that he belonged to a violent organization. He thought that he was a powerful person. Most people had to resist that power. Everyone knew that they would panic and succumb to the violence that crept through the web of law.

It was sweet.

Those who belonged to the same organization as him, with high ranks and more terrifying, begged for forgiveness while crying, burned alive and stuck. He witnessed the apparition.

"Purgatory", a group of talented people with the "Red King" at the top.

Just remembering the name, he doesn't stop shaking. He knew there was an extraordinary ability to live in the underworld, but the calamity caused by "Purgatory" was a different order of magnitude. That is not a type of violence, it is "destruction".

"Purgatory" is a group of monsters that spread "destruction" on themselves.

The extraordinary idea of avenging the death of his companions did not exist in his head. Everything is a potentially deadly species. Once he got a lot of money, he was going to run away somewhere.

That was…

"Damn!"

He got angry and damn his lack of luck. For those who were fed up with "Niibangai", if they were to squeeze a bit, the money to escape would have accumulated. To make money at the moment, he should have been able to wholesale some of Ajima-gumi's "assets", which are difficult to collect, and illegal "assets." That way, he could have gotten enough money to live.

It's about that kid and the giant guy. That's when he hit the ground with his fist as he cursed.

"Noriya Haraki."

Being called by his name, he suddenly raised his face. An officer was behind the iron grate.

"Get out."

"What?"

Involuntarily, he raised his eyes and said that. He has been detained now because some crimes have been revealed, but he should not have been released so soon.

To answer that question, the officer was in a clerical tone,

"A benefactor has appeared. You are released."

He wondered who he was.

Benefactor? For him now?

Confusion swirled in his head. Ajima-gumi's group should have been wiped out, but maybe there were some who survived like him. Such hope arose suddenly and he got up. He bowed and walked out the open prison door.

Accompanied by the officer, he walked down the corridor inside the police station. Meanwhile, he heard a cheerful voice from the back of the corner.

"Here, and here, and then, uh, here? No, sorry. I've never written such a document. Hahahaha."

Hearing the voice, he reflexively stopped.

"...? What's wrong? Go on."

Even if requested by the officer in charge, he remains at the scene.

Somehow, a dark premonition clung to the hope he had in his heart. He will not proceed as he is. It is much better to turn around and go back into that prison.

"Hey, come on. Go ahead!"

Still, the officer gives him a shove. He began to walk indeterminately. Like a prisoner, he climbs thirteen steps. The moment he turned the corner, he knew his intuition was correct.

The man who was writing the documents at the reception suddenly looked up and saw him.

Thread-thin eyes on the back of sunglasses. A smile that seems to stick to his mouth, and in a black suit like a undertaker.

"Ah, Noriya Haraki-san. Nice to meet you. I'm Soma Hitoshi from 'Purgatory'. If you have any questions, could you come with me?"

Saying it in a fuzzy voice, Soma set fire with the missing little finger of his left hand and lit the cigarette in his mouth.

#k #k project #k side purple #k fan clan #K stories #mishakuji yukari

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cat-scarr · 4 years

Text

Ben Is Too Good For His Own Good

Aka a "cinnamon roll", if you will. Yes, I'm writing an essay on this.

So it's nothing new that Ben has this "second chances" philosophy, but that is indicative of the possibility that he would let himself be in damaging relationships in hopes that the other person would change or improve.

There have been various instances of Ben kind of just brushing off being treated poorly. I wouldn't say that this makes him a push over or anything like that, but I never see any of these things being pointed out. They're just kind of laughed off.

Just the other day, in fact, I had someone privately DM me saying that they don't believe Ben ever had any trauma or side effects from his lifestyle, even questioning “what nightmares” I was even referring to.

On top of that, it's a very common thing in this fandom to state things like "the girls deserved better than Ben." I'll always be of the opinion that Ben is the one that deserved better, and I have plenty (logical) reasons why, but that’s besides the point.

Even though Ben is so forgiving and cooperative, giving everyone a second chance to change, it just doesn't sit right with me that we should just be okay with some of the horrible things that are being justified here. That doesn't mean you should hate these characters. I mean, Ben clearly doesn't. But it honestly says more about him than any of them.

It says a lot to me when I see Ben seeing the best in someone, even when they've done horrible things in the past or are in the midst of doing something bad to him.

One example, which I keep bringing up on this blog, is the episode "Vilgax Must Croak." Besides everything else that Vilgax had done to him in the past, in addition to throughout the episode up until this point, Ben was still shown believing that Vilgax could have tried to save him by jumping in front of Ben to shield him from a (seemingly extremely destructive) blast from Attea.

Things like this also explain why I don’t support shipping Ben with Attea, but that’s besides the point too...

Of course, even if he did save Ben by doing this, Vilgax was only manipulating the situation to make it look like he was trying to save Ben when he was really taking the chance to break himself free of the handcuffs.

But, even so, this seems to mean that Ben believes that Vilgax does have it in him to do something good. Ben was admittedly shocked by what had happened at first, but by the next scene where he turns back to human, he's got his guard down enough for Vilgax to take advantage of the situation again and shoot him in the back. Because, please realize, if Vilgax didn’t “save” him, he wouldn’t be able to shoot him in the back.

But anyway, in conclusion, as the title states, he's too good for his own good.

The next unfair circumstance which displays the same thing happens in the episode "No Honor Among Bros." I am aware that the following is uncharacteristic of Rook and had only happened because Rook was under the influence of a substance, so I want to acknowledge that, but I am mostly focusing on Ben's actions here.

Ben and Rook eventually are set up against each other in the tournament, and, besides the fact that Ben already doesn't want to fight anyone needlessly, as shown by his previous match against Malice where he was BEAT UP FOR THREE HOURS...

...he clearly holds back while fighting Rook in this match, too.

The one time he actually hits Rook with a decent shot, which knocks Rook out temporarily, not only does he immediately go check on him to make sure he's not badly hurt, but also turns back to human, leaving him somewhat more vulnerable then he would be as Upchuck.

This seems to mean that he trusted Rook wouldn't take that chance to hit him right back. And unnecessarily hard too, at that.

This knocks Ben down, making him lose the fight. The important thing to take away from this is that, regardless if he just chalked it up to Rook not being himself, he still didn't seem to hold it against him, besides just being slightly annoyed.

So, basically, he got his ass beat multiple times only because he was holding back for the other person's sake. He's too good for his own good.

Then there's also Kevin and Tetrax. Both are former "criminals", albeit for different reasons, and Ben still had it in him to befriend both of them. This is probably due to the fact that they've built trust over time, and fought evil together to protect others, including each other.

I don't like to look past the fact that Kevin, while admittedly not entirely in control of his powers at the time, has tried to kill Ben on multiple occasions. But, like I said, Ben has grown to trust him and they have each other's back, so there’s no need to really expand on those two all that much.

Then there's the sad story of Elena.

You could argue that the reason it's difficult for me to look past Elena's “mistakes” is because she was given little to no chances to redeem herself. And perhaps there is some truth to that.

However, there has been a scene which seems to be what is considered "redeeming" - when she attempts to sacrifice herself to save Ben.

And while Ben himself seemed extremely moved by this at the time, clearly not holding any hard feelings towards what she had just done to him throughout "Revenge of the Swarm", I can't say that I feel the same.

I can't say that I feel the same because Ben's life would not even be in danger at this point if she didn't attempt to suffocate him. Should I see her as a “hero” for saving Ben from herself?

Especially when it’s evident that she had enough self control to attempt to commit suicide, but somehow not enough to not attempt to kill Ben again once she realized that her suicide attempt failed.

Ben: “Elena! They’ve been controlling you! You’ve got to fight them!”

Elena: “They’re not controlling me, they are me! And I am them!”

Another thing about her predicament that I don't understand is whether or not her choices are voluntary. The other characters say outwardly that "the chips are controlling her", while she, in response, claims that they are not controlling her and instead, that they "are her."

Elena: “They give me what I want! They fulfil my deepest desires! Even the ones I don’t know I have!”

She also claims that the chips want what she wants, and because they “are her” they give her the ability to get everything she might want. By that logic, she would want everything that had happened up until this point, which is crazy and inexcusable.

If she is the chips, implying there is no other Elena inside that is the “true” Elena, and she genuinely wants to do things like stalk Ben and attempt to kill him, then I don’t see a way to excuse or justify that.

But then, in the midst of choking Ben to death, Julie tells her that she couldn't seriously want Ben to die, which Elena responds to seemingly confused or unsure for the first time, and only states it must be what she wants, before claiming that she really did care about Ben.

I’m sure Ben would agree that she could still be redeemed at this point. He would probably still agree she could be redeemed after all that I’m about to go over as well.

And, while this is evident since he did state the following, believing, once again, that there is still good in someone who had done horrible things:

Ben: “There was enough of my friend left to save my life.”

She still came back to make the situation worse instead of taking the chance to redeem herself.

Unfortunately, unlike I suggested earlier, and instead of leaving it at that after surviving her suicide attempt and traumatizing everyone in the process, she returns in "The Perfect Girlfriend" impersonating Julie, being the cause of Gwen suffering a pretty significant injury, and, let’s not forget, attempting to kill Ben once again.

It’s even worse that she chose to do so at such a vulnerable point in Ben and Julie’s relationship, considering that they had been arguing lately, even in the beginning of that very episode. I’ve actually had someone claim that this episode proves that Ben’s idea of the “perfect” girlfriend is someone who does everything he says and may as well have no individual personality. And, because someone I think is credible enough to speak on Ben’s behalf believes that to some extent, it just shows me that it’s possible many other people in this fandom might believe the same thing.

To me, it simply seemed as if he believed that his relationship with his girlfriend was finally improving, which is a good thing. It doesn’t seem all that unreasonable for him to not question why they were suddenly getting along much more than before. Why would anyone question their relationship with their significant other going well, especially after going through a rough patch?

Regardless, after realizing the reason why this was the case, he must have also felt horrible about not noticing sooner, which sucks. He’d be seen as a jerk for questioning why his girlfriend was being so nice to him had he done so, but he’d be seen as a jerk for not noticing that it wasn’t really her all this time anyway.

I hate to keep flaming her, but Elena chose to put him in that position since the chips allow her to fulfil “all her deepest desires”, apparently. Because that's what you do to someone you "love."

While Elena's story wasn't continued past Ultimate Alien, the Ben 10: Omniverse comic "Parallel Paradox" did attempt to tie up loose ends.

Before I continue, I have to state that the comics are not technically "canon.” However they are official source material and therefore should be accurate to canon. So, for clarity, and for those who haven't read this comic, Elena here is basically presented as if she is voluntarily a criminal. She's apparently stealing tech for money, working for some other higher level bad guy, and clearly has a grudge against Ben after what had happened.

I’ll provide the relevant pages below, but Elena states that Ben was “rude” to her the last time they saw each other...when, in the moment she is reffering to, she had impersonated her way into Ben’s living room and had the nerve to get into an argument with him when she was clearly in the wrong.

But Ben himself wasn’t even being rude to her in that particular scene, either. He was trying to explain why what she was doing was wrong. He only resorted to using the Ultimatrix once Elena resorted to violence herself.

At the end of "Parallel Paradox", it's revealed that Ben feels like Elena hates him, despite all that she's done to him. Which is interesting, since it doesn't seem to me like he's done anything to her to give her a reason to hate him. Not even supposedly being “rude.” It seems like it should be the other way around, really.

I know that I wouldn't hesitate considering filing a restraining order against someone who stalked me, attacked my friends, kidnapped my significant other, lied to me, and then attempted to kill me twice.

But Ben? No, AFTER ALL THAT...he actually wants to help her and wishes she didn't hate him for no reason.

Or maybe she doesn't have a grudge against him for what he did do, but rather what he didn't do, in her view. The irony is that Ben clearly would do anything he could to help her, she just isn't accepting that help. She just wants what she wants and will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

She seems to constantly be putting the blame on everyone but herself. And the first step to changing for the better starts with changing oneself by changing old habits and actively working to do better. It's even more sad that she doesn't seem to realize just how much faith Ben does have in her, despite the horrific stuff in Ultimate Alien.

If she really loved him, she shouldn't let him down. But at this point, I don't know if that's the case anymore.

Anyway, at the end of the day, what astounds me the most is that Ben isn't mad at her. I mean, he should at least have serious trust issues by now! It really puts things into perspective and explains why there even is an alternate future where a pairing like Benkai can happen.

If someone like Kevin, who hated Ben as a kid and actively tried to kill him, can become his best friend, and if someone like Elena can also get away with causing so much unnecessary harm to Ben without so much as a displeased glance, why wouldn't he give a girl who just likes to bully and pick on him another chance?

I still don't believe he deserves that, but I fear that is it is extremely likely, even if it comes from a good place.

And because he gives everyone 764845786448578 chances.

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connorandersons-blog · 4 years

Note

I don’t know if I’m doing this correctly but can you do more Little Connor with Rk1700 please? ;-;

You did it perfectly! So, this a continuation of this fic, and I’d suggest reading that one first if you haven't.

Onto the story!! Again DO NOT SEXUALIZE THIS

-----------------------------

The case was beyond frustrating. He and Hank couldn't crack it so Gavin and Nines offered to help out. They didn't have any pressing cases so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Connor was close to breaking down and his stress levels showed it too. They were far too high for his liking, and from the looks Nines was giving him, too high for his as well.

But they had to solve this case before he could relax. He had a few plans and he was tempted to invite Nines to join. But he hadn't mentioned his regression after the first time Nines saw him.

He would still do it while Hank was around, but he avoided Nines whenever he tried to bring it up. It wasn't that he didn't trust Nines with it. He really, really did, but he still couldn't stop from avoiding it.

Then Hank would bring it up to encourage him to reach out to Nines and that just made Connor avoid it with him too until he got the drift.

Still, he did want Nines to be a part of this side of him. He proved that he could handle it and he didn't seem to despise him for it either. So why was he doing this? Why was he still hesitating?

He shouldn't even be thinking about this with the case needing solving, so he pushed it to the back of his mind and focused on the information in front of him.

Neither of them had had a case this hard since they were assigned to the deviation cases. Nines and Gavin were having just as hard of a time as Hank and Connor were.

"Connor, Hank requested that I take you home. I informed him of your stress levels and we both agreed you need the night off. We can come back in the morning to continue work." Nines says, shocking him from his thoughts.

He looked up at him then quickly to Hank, not holding back with his glare. "Hank!" He scolded. It was completely unfair that he made this decision for him. Hank often did things like this and normally it wouldn't bother him as much as it currently did.

"Son, you need rest. Go to sleep for the night and come back refreshed. You're no help to us if you self-destruct or are too stressed to think. Go, that's an order." Hank very rarely used his rank to order anyone around, but when he did people listened.

Connor stood up, still scowling. "Yes sir, Lieutenant." He growled out. Hank flinched only slightly but didn't say anything, keeping with his word.

Connor snatched up his jacket, spinning on his heel and glaring at Nines. He stalks past him, glowering at Gavin as he goes. Gavin puts his hands up and gives a slight shrug. At least someone was on his side.

Nines followed behind and easily moved so he could open the car door for Connor. He was half-tempted to throw a fit, but instead, he climbs into the car.

He keeps his arms crossed and stares straight ahead. Nines gets in on the other side and watches him for a few seconds before reaching over and buckling him in.

Connor huffs and slides down into the chair slightly. This was completely unfair. Nines and Hank ganging up on him wasn't cool. At least one of them should have been on his side, but no. The only person who was was Gavin and it wasn't like he was going to talk back to Hank.

Nines raises an eyebrow as he buckles himself in and starts up the car. Connor pouts just slightly before his eyes widen and he sits up straight.

Oh, so that's what they were doing. Well, he wouldn't let them, no matter what.

"Would you like to stop to get one of those happy meals? I hear they have a few new toys you might enjoy." Nines suggests once they get going.

Part of Connor wanted to say yes. He had seen a few commercials and really wanted it, but no. He would not fall for this. "No thank you, I'm not hungry."

"Alright sunshine, there's lots of food you can eat at home if you need it," Nines says, glancing at him before focusing back on the road. Connor squirms slightly, face flushing at the pet name Nines had used on him when he had regressed.

That was completely unfair. He was weak to pet names and everyone knew that. He was also weak to stuffed animals and honestly anything soft and or fluffy.

"I am not required to eat." He planned on going to his room than working on the case there until the morning. It wasn't like Hank could actually stop him.

Nines knew his programming so he knew how to force him into stasis, but no matter what he wouldn't do that. Not unless he was dying and needed it. So they couldn't stop him.

Nines reached over and pressed a few buttons on the radio, turning on Disney songs. Hank and he must have talked more about this than he thought they did.

He wanted to be angry that they were talking about him behind his back, but it wasn't like he really gave them a choice. He all but ran out of the room if they mentioned his regression. So at least part of this was on him. But that doesn't mean that would stop him from completely blaming them and being pissed off.

They still had no right to use this against him. He could deal with his stress like every other android. So what if his stress level had been at 89 and steadily increasing. They would have broken the case soon and then he would be fine.

Yet the two still did this. Nines is still trying to get him to regress and he hated that it was working. That his body was betraying him when he started swaying to the music.

He had to keep stopping himself but before he knew it he was back to swaying and rocking. He could have reached over to turn the music off but that would just prove he knew what was going on. That this was affecting him. Well, fuck that.

He tried to keep his body still the rest of the drive but that was getting increasingly difficult. He tried to get his coin out to distract himself but that sadly didn't work.

His brain was getting fuzzier in that way and he kept trying to bring up the case to combat it. Even still his stress level dropped down to 88.

When they arrived Nines unbuckled both of them before Connor could even move. Then Nines was out of the car and opening the door for Connor.

Connor glares up at him not taking the hand Nines offers him. He gets out of the car and doesn't wait for Nines.

He barely stops to pet Sumo but that's all the time Nines needs to catch up.

He goes to stand and walk to his room but Nines moves in front, blocking his path. "Would you like to watch a movie? I won't mind watching the same show from last time. You seemed to enjoy it quite a lot."

Connor shifted and glowered at the ground. He wanted to, but he didn't want to give in. He wouldn't give in so easily. "No, I'm not in the mood. I think I'll go to my room and go over the case again."

Nines's eyes narrowed and Connor almost felt like shrinking back. He adored Nines but both of them were incredibly stubborn. Neither backed down easily and it generally took someone else stepping in to tell them to chill out. Always completing their mission and all of that.

"You will not work on the case. You do not have to… relax in this way but you will at least sleep." Nines said. What made it worse is that he was using a voice very similar to one Hank used whenever he was throwing a fit about taking a nap.

"You can't tell me what to do!" He shouted and almost slapped himself. His voice had gone higher and he literally stomped his foot.

Nines had that small smirk on his lips that he always had when he knew he'd won an argument. "I can and will, little boy. Now, I will get some of your toys out and put a movie on. You get to decide if you want me to choose what you watch or you do."

Connor huffed and picked at his clothes. They were too scratchy but if he changed then he'd fully regress. But it was happening anyway.

Connor felt tears well up and he stomped his foot again. "This isn't fair! I don't wanna!" He shouted, turning so he wouldn't face Nines.

Every time Nines moves to be in front of Connor, Connor would turn again. It ended up with them just going in circles until Nines reached out and held him to stop him from spinning again.

So Connor did the next best thing. He went completely limp and dropped to the floor. Nines snorted and dropped down to a crouch, but Connor was already scooting away.

"Fuck off!" Connor cried.

Nines raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "Young boys don't use those kinds of words. You know better Connor."

Connor sniffled and wiped at his nose. "I'm not young, I'm big. I can say whatever I want." He knew he was throwing a tantrum but he just couldn't stop.

"I do not think you are. I think you are a small little boy and you need to play with your toys. How about I get Fleur and make you some macaroni." Nines suggests.

Connor bangs his hands on the floor, squeezing his eyes shut as he yelled. "No! No, no, no, no, no! I don't wanna!"

Nines took in a slow breath and just stared at Connor. Fine. If Nines couldn't handle one of his fits then he didn't want him taking care of him anyway.

"If you do not calm down then you'll be grounded and I'll hide Fleur," Nines says after Connor is tired of banging his hands.

That gets him to look up at Nines with wide eyes. "Nuh! No, no, please. Don't take her!" He says, scrambling to get up.

Even when not regressed he tended to snuggle her at night. It was just something he loved to do.

"Are you willing to relax then? I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun." Nines says, slowly pulling him into the living room where Sumo had gone to lay down during all the commotion.

Connor mumbles but let's Nines gently set him back down onto the ground.

Nines turns the tv on and picks on a random movie which turns out to be Tangled. Connor wished he was madder, but this was one of his favorites.

"I'm going to get a few of your toys ok? If you need anything let me know." Nines bends to press a kiss to his forehead but he quickly turns away. He's still angry at him for this after all.

Nines paused for a second before standing back up and going to grab the stuff.

Connor fiddles with his shirt before Sumo slowly walks over and licks his face. It's hard not to giggle, but when he does Sumo just gets more excited. Soon Connor is a giggling mess and his face is soaked with doggy slobber instead of tears.

Nines comes back in and just stands there for a second with a fond smile. Then he puts the toys down and goes to the kitchen. He finds a sippy cup and heated up some thirium milk, adding in vanilla extract and a little bit of sugar.

Then he warmed up the macaroni as he promised before bringing both over. Connor squinted at the offerings but slowly took them.

He wasn't surprised that Nines had done more research, but that still wasn't going to make him completely cooperative. Though, he had to admit the milk was incredibly yummy.

He sipped at it and half-heartedly played with a few of his toys. He kinda wanted to do this just because it was actually helping, but he didn't want to show it. He was still nervous about doing this with Nines around.

Sumo rested his large head on Connor's knee and he couldn't help but wiggle slightly with happiness. Sumo was definitely one of his weaknesses too.

"Hey Connor, I have an idea," Nines says, and he can't help but perk up. He loved playing with his toys and watching TV but he did get bored frequently.

He tilts his head slightly, opening his mouth to talk but only a small odd sound comes out. It was pretty normal for him to go nonverbal but he didn't think he was that deep already.

"How about we make some slime. We can even add glitter if you want." Oh, that definitely sounded like a lot of fun. He'd been wanting to do this for a while but never suggested it while little.

He stares down at his shirt for a few seconds, squirming again. He doesn't know what to say. He wants to so badly but that would mean fully giving in.

Frick it.

He pulls at his shirt with a whine. It was too itchy! Not soft enough. Thankfully Nines seemed to understand.

He reached down and easily picked him up, waiting for Connor to wrap himself around his torso before moving. Nines takes him to his room and carefully sets him down on his bed.

He then moves to the closet and finds some clothes Connor saved for when he was regressed. Connor swings his feet and puts his arms up when Nines tells him too.

Hank never changed his clothes for him so this was completely new. But Nines made sure he was comfortable the whole time and Connor didn't mind all that much.

Then he was being picked up again and brought to the kitchen. Once he was safe on the chair Nines got to work collecting the supplies they'd need.

Connor wiggled in his chair, petting Sumo when he came over while he waited. It didn't take long for Nines to get everything and set it up at the table.

Nines slowly instructed him on how to do it, helping whenever needed. It was amazing how sweet and caring he was being. He didn't even get upset when Connor spilled glue all over the place.

Nines did have to stop Sumo from trying to lick any up but that just caused Connor to giggle uncontrollably.

Nines rolled his eyes and swiped up some of the glue before smearing it onto Connor's nose.

Connor scrunches up his nose and squeals. Nines had to catch him before he falls off the seat, but he effortlessly rights him.

Connor couldn't even think of any reason why he had tried to fight this. He was completely relaxed and felt incredibly loved. Nines was perfect and he somehow knew what he needed before Connor even did.

Nines cleaned up the spilled glue and Connor's nose before they continued with the slime.

Connor decided to make his blue while Nines made his green. Connor added some sparkles, well tried to. He ended up accidentally dumping most of the sparkles instead of just a pinch.

Nines couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled out. Connor's eyes went wide as he grinned. It was rare to hear Nines full out laugh, and Connor started bouncing in his chair.

Nines helped him get most out and back into the container. Then they mixed it all together. Nines mostly did his with a spoon but Connor had no problem doing so with his hands.

He did get a bit messy doing that way but that was part of the fun! Connor showed off his slime to Nines who had grinned and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.

Connor played with his slime, and Nines had to stop him a few times from putting it in his mouth. He couldn't help it, it just looked yummy!

Nines slowly cleaned up the mess as Connor played but kept a watchful eye on him.

He rocks back and forth not able to sit still, making small sounds every now and then.

He was almost always over or understimulated so he found ways to help with that. It always became much more apparent when he was regressed, but Nines didn't seem to mind this either.

It didn't take long until Connor started getting a bit fussy again. Nines helped put away Connor's slime so he could play with it later. Then he took him back to his room and tucked him in. Connor didn't fight him too much on it this time, completely exhausted from the mental and emotional strain.

Connor thought that was going to be it, but Nines laid down beside him and pulled him in so Connor's head rested on Nines's chest.

Connor grinned as Nines started reading a bedtime story. Hank often did this to get him to actually sleep, but he'd never heard of this one before and his systems couldn't identify it either. So Nines was completely making this one up and it made it that much better.

Before he knew it his eyes were closed and he was falling asleep. So Hank and Nines were right, he did need this. He felt more carefree and peaceful than he had in the last few weeks.

Nines stayed with him as he slept, not even moving to get up when Hank got home.

Hank did peek his head in and gave Nines a slight nod of approval and thanks. In Nines's opinion, Hank had nothing to thank him for. He loved Connor and would do anything to make him happy. Plus, he actually enjoyed taking care of him, so it was a win-win. He just hoped Connor would finally let him take care of him whenever he wanted him to.

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browniesnivy · 4 years

Text

I’m not going to pretend that Dartz isn’t easily the weakest villain in the series, but I feel like there was at least some effort put in to giving him some interesting contrast with Yami (even if, like most decent or even good ideas in Season 4, they ended up diluting the message in the paper-thin writing). Unfortunately, before I explain what I mean I have to go into excruciating detail about Atem’s character arc, so buckle up because it’s essay time.

One of the things that Season 4 touches on that I actually rather enjoy is Yami’s obsession with destiny and how this affects his perception of victory and of himself. Though people complain that Yami had nothing to lose in his duel with Raphael before he activated the Seal of Orichalcos, I actually think this was intended to highlight how he perceives winning and losing. To lose for any reason is (at least to him) not just a personal failure that will injure his own pride, but one that will put the balance of the entire universe in danger. He has no memory of who he was or even who he is now, but his past follows him around everywhere he goes and dictates every second of his afterlife (just as it did when he was alive, although he has no idea about that at this point). He is told by Ishizu and many others around him that he is responsible for everything, that it is his job to fix everything wrong in this world, and thus he has developed a complex of thinking that it is his personal responsibility to eradicate every evil in this world and any failure is an apocalyptic catastrophe. That mindset is obviously terribly unhealthy, but Yami’s destiny is the only shred of his identity that he even knows. It might require him to constantly endanger himself, but it’s the only thing that anyone seems to understand about him and is certainly the only thing he understands about himself, so he continuously throws himself in front of Ra’s attack again and again and again...

Unlike the major story arcs in the show that proceeded it (and sadly the one that follows), Season 4 treats this as a major flaw in Yami’s mentality. Raphael is able to manipulate him into activating the Seal by convincing him he will lose everything if he can’t defeat him, and the fact that there is no actual danger involved at present might actually help convince Yami of his point even more. We see in Season 0 that Yami often puts himself in unnecessarily dangerous situations for what appears to be no reason, but to him every situation with even a possibility of “failure” is dangerous. In this instance, the fact that he could lose at all is dangerous enough, and he invents all sorts of imaginary reasons why he has to play the Seal of Orichalcos no matter what the cost. Raphael is expertly manipulating his opponent’s insecurities here. Of course it was a huge mistake for Yami to play the Seal, but with all this in mind it is a mistake that I could at least easily see myself making if I were in his shoes.

In the end, Yami ends up paying for this mistake. He loses despite his best efforts, but unlike before he played the Seal and was on the verge of defeat, he actually has something tangible to lose now. Yugi didn’t deserve to have his soul stolen for a mistake his partner made, and yet that is exactly what ended up happening. Yami is able to see that this is unfair when it happens to Yugi, and yet he still is at first unable to see that same principal applies to him when he tries to brazenly sacrifice himself for other people’s sins. Yami is forced to confront this nasty part of himself and realize that his life is worth more than it’s use to the universe at large. Only by the lose of his closest friend, the only one who sees him as a real person and not as a Messiah or an extension of someone else, can he come to the realization that he isn’t meant to single-handedly solve every single problem in the world. That emptiness when his friend isn’t around makes him realize that it isn’t his destiny that fills the void in his soul but his connections, and that he doesn’t have to constantly throw himself under the bus in order to make the world a better place... because there are people who love him and who want him to love himself too.

Of course this is basically ignored by the fact that the show ends with Yami being forced to abandon all his meaningful connections in order to fulfill his depressing and lonely destiny, but in isolation this is a pretty nice character arc that honestly should have been carried over into future seasons. And before you ask, I don’t take constructive criticism.

Now, back to Dartz. There are several surface level similarities between Atem and Dartz, most obvious being that they are both ancient kings who wield the powers of darkness. What I think often goes unnoticed is the fact that they have nearly identical views of the world despite being on opposing sides. Dartz desires to consume everything he deems evil by fulfilling the destiny given to him by the Orichalcos, not just because he was instantly brainwashed by it (because that would be stupid) but because after his kingdom crumbled he realized that he was the only one left to stop the destruction of Atlantis from happening to the rest of the world. This is basically exactly what Yami is trying to accomplish: Yami was unable to stop the consequences of his father’s sins from bleeding into the future and now seeks to use the last of his remaining strength to completely purge the world of sin. One major difference in Dartz and Yami’s thinking is that Yami seems to be focused on destroying the very concept of “evil” while Dartz just wants to get rid of the people that do evil things, but nonetheless both of them have personally taken on massive responsibilities spanning generations in an attempt to stop something they aren’t even responsible for themselves. It isn’t Dartz’s fault that Atlantis was full of unrighteous people in the same way it wasn’t Atem’s fault that his father committed genocide an entire village, but they both think it’s up to them to face the consequences head-on regardless of what that means for them.

Dartz sacrifices himself to the Great Leviathan in the end to achieve his goal, an action which I believe is the final culmination of all of Yami’s self-worth issues and the logical extreme of his mistake to play the Seal of Orichalcos earlier in the season. Yami can not be fooled into blindly sacrificing himself after what he learned on this journey, not after he realized that he had value despite the darkness inside his heart. He is able to defeat the Leviathan by calling upon his friends to help him accept his flaws and learn to work past them instead of force himself to constantly atone for them. It might have been corny, but it gets the point across that Yami will not become Dartz (ignoring the fact that he ends up basically doing just that even if it is “for the right reasons” later on which drives me INSANE) and will no longer treat himself as something less than human, as just a vehicle for destiny’s righteous judgement. Dartz tried to fix a fundamental evil of the world by sacrificing his own humanity and ultimately became the very thing he sought to destroy, just as Yami became dangerously close to doing in his duel against Raphael. But he knows better now and for once, he actually puts his past behind him and moves on towards a better future alongside his friends. (I know I keep bringing this up but take notes, Ceremonial Duel.)

I’m not going to pretend that I’m not thinking way to hard about this, or that the way the show handles this is done expertly. I already acknowledged that Dartz is as bland as an unsalted cracker, but I also have to mention that Yami still basically has to defeat Dartz alone even after all the set up with Kaiba, Joey, and the Legendary Dragon Knights, which I really have no excuse for. Season 4 definitely isn’t perfect (I don’t think I’d have such a soft spot for it if it was) and I still have a lot more to say about it, but I just wanted to bring some attention to this contrast since I only noticed it on my fourth complete rewatch of the season. I think Dartz could have been a much stronger antagonist if his similarities to Atem were made more pronounced, and I hope I explained that in a way that was at least slightly thought-provoking in this essay that took me far too long to write.

#GOD that turned out way longer than expected #i sound so pretentious in the middle hrngggggh i got caught up in the melodrama sorry #nonetheless this made me waaaaaay to stimulated not too write about so i hope you could get something out of it #i'll probably be posting more essays about season 4 in the coming weeks so buckle up buttercup it's shrimp time #and mai time... mai noon if you will...#yugioh #Yu-Gi-Oh!#yami yugi #pharaoh atem #waking the dragons #yugioh season 4 #ygo #Dartz

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blooms-of-ice · 3 years

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Wyda is officially retired...for now. She had a good run, and I loved writing for her! GOD the existential dread I felt as I drew closer and closer to running the event that would end her.

Her story continues through another. Give a follow here! :D

I’ll be keeping this blog up as an archive, although I might still post every now and again. But since her arc is done, here goes! An unedited, unfiltered slurry of words-directly-from-brain-to-keyboard about Wyda! I’m warning you, this is true farm fresh to you stuff. And spoilers for many events in FF14. Read on if you dare.

Strap in, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.

Did I say that I love Primals?

Primal lore gives the FF14 devs a lot of creative freedom when it comes to designing bosses. Want the arena changed? Want something/someone to look absolutely wack? Want to spin up a threat without having a villain train for years prior? Bam, primals.

It also gives us, the players, the same creative freedoms when it comes to roleplaying!

The requirements to summon one are humorously low. At first, primals result from misguided and zealous beastmen shenanigans. Ifrit, Titan, Ramuh, Leviathan, Garuda...but then we get a bunch of weird summonings. Like when Ga Bu summons a funky version of Titan through his despair alone. Or when Yotsuyu brings forth Tsukuyomi because she really, really wants to see the world burn. Hell, Gilgamesh just thinks about his friend Enkidu in the presence of some crystals, and that’s enough to bring forth a primal. So I guess the only requirements for a primal summoning are 1) crystals and 2) thinking kinda hard? Strong feelings, especially negative ones, seem to be more effective but then again! What the heck happened with Gilgamesh? Who knows?!

But this is one of my favorite things in FF14. It’s a powder keg of a situation that will, and HAS, gone off multiple times.

Being tempered, meanwhile, is a fate worse than death. You’re forced to change sides and fight for the enemy. You don’t even find peace when you die - tempered souls linger in Eorzea thanks to how messed up they are by the process. But you don’t become a mindless servant either. *Points to Emet-Selch who is....kinda...on your side (???) but also on Zodiark’s side*

Things aren’t nearly as dark now that tempering can be cured. I’m very thankful, since otherwise my campaign would’ve had a very, very depressing ending. One that I originally planned for but STILL. I’m weak. ;_;

Riding off the Rails

Primal lore is flexible. In ARR, the rules are established, but later expansions took those rules and went “Well, what about this? And this? And this?” In other words, this is me admitting that I’m shameless and will stretch this lore until I reach the moon.

Developing Wyda was a ‘chicken first, egg later’ sort of situation. Though trite, I gave her amnesia in order to give myself an excuse for knowing nothing about FF14 lore (and because I was new to roleplaying). When I finally sat down to flesh her out, my mind kept returning to primals. I love ‘em and their potential for drama! So yeah, I was determined to make it work.

There were a lot of questions I had to answer. If Wyda is a primal, then why isn’t she tempering everyone she meets?! How is she getting away with being a ‘normal’ person? And how do I avoid power creep? I know, for a fact, that if I walked into an RP event and just said...hey. My character is a primal, are you cool with that? The answer would be a solid no. Nooooo! I’d tell that to myself! So I wanted to solve these questions in a fair way that would allow others (and myself) to remain immersed in the roleplaying world. Luckily, FF14 lore is like a bottomless chest of building blocks. It was just a matter of stacking them carefully.

Primals are summoned when someone thinks around some crystals (Ah, Gilgamesh...)

The primal’s purpose is based on the summoner’s desires, but with a monkey’s paw twist (Ga Bu’s Titan punching the other kobolds away is indicative of this)

The amount of aether used in the summoning determines how powerful the primal will be (Shinryu being beefy as hell)

Primals can be summoned out of thin air, or be channeled into someone’s body

When a primal is channeled, the summoner needs the Echo to resist (Ysalye and Ryne). Otherwise the summoner is tempered by their own creation.

Now, with those blocks in hand, I started spitballing...and it led me to this thought. If a primal’s purpose is to NOT be a primal, what happens?

Would they know that they’re a primal?

Can they still use their primal powers?

What happens when the primal is based off of someone who still exists?

For Wyda, I chose to swing this way.

Her memory is garbage because she’s a primal based on someone else. Even if you know someone really well, you can’t perfectly recreate/emulate them.

She’s normal-powered because all her primal magic is going towards suppressing her powers. Extremely inefficient. And she’s very human-like because she’s possessing someone else’s body, as opposed to being made purely of primal aether.

Primals temper whether they want to or not - aether leaks, and it corrupts. To solve this for Wyda, instead of leaking aether out of the wazoo...thanks to the nature of her summoning, she just leaks a tiny bit all the time. Not enough to temper.

But I also wrote myself into a corner. If Wyda isn’t going to behave like a primal, then how does she exist for so long? They need a constant source of aether to survive, and she’s not doing primal stuff since she’s too busy being human. And so...the answer is that she doesn’t. Once her aether runs out, then poof.

See? Fun! (But also pain. So much pain.)

Playing with Fire

Eorzea (like most fantasy RPG settings) is a nightmare factory. Most, if not all, who make their living ‘adventuring’ are scarred from what they have to face. For every success story (WoL), there are countless more tragedies (Avere). And even if you survive...who wouldn’t get trauma if you were an adventurer and it was normal for your buddies to be eaten by a beast, tempered by a primal, possessed by a ghost?

Which is to say, Wyda's scars run deep. Shit goes down.

To repeat that in slightly more words: Wyda is an accidental byproduct of Cravendy’s grief and longing. At her lowest moment, Cravendy (a Seawolf pirate) thinks of her friend Dots and the unfairness of it all. And oops, there are crystals nearby. So now, we got Wyda walking around in Cravendy’s body, thinking that she’s someone named Dots. By the way, Dots is still alive! Very awkward.

Wyda is a denial incarnate. She is Cravendy’s dream for safety, family, and happiness for Dots. But denial does not erase the past, nor does it change how you feel. By existing, Wyda suppresses those feelings for Cravendy and freezes the other woman in the past. With the both of them like this, Cravendy will never accept her trauma and Wyda will be plagued with a stranger’s guilt.

Primal souls are weird. I have no idea where they come from, but they seem separate from the summoner’s. So as Wyda’s influence wanes, Cravendy’s soul begins to resurface. This forces Wyda into a cycle of self-discovery and self-destruction that, unfortunately, convinces Wyda that she ought to disappear. It’s a tragic conclusion she reaches after having her worldview shattered. She’s a copy of Dots, she’s a primal. What’s real, and what’s not? What even matters?

The Power of Love

Love is a persistent theme for all of my characters. For Cravendy, love is why she hurts, so she would rather forget it than bear any more pain. But Wyda is the opposite - she loves too much. When all else is a sham, Wyda trusts that the love she feels is real. And ultimately, this love dooms Wyda and saves Cravendy.

Wyda’s fatal flaw is her self-destructive selflessness. Thanks to being mistaken for Dots all the time, Wyda develops a low sense of self. Then events of the campaign erode that into nothingness. She’s a second rate copy full of brittle memories, she’s a fake! And discovering Cravendy’s sleeping soul only pushes Wyda further into her flaw. Here is my purpose, she thinks! My original! And I’ll save her no matter what, because she deserves to live!

But it’s a mistake. Certainly, Cravendy is saved, but Wyda deserves to be saved too. Although she loves with all her heart, Wyda never learns to love herself and see her own self-worth. She doesn’t understand that her friends don’t share her view of herself - as a worthless copy that can only find value in saving another. Her selflessness loops into selfishness.

Maybe Wyda will come back...She certainly has a lot to learn still!

The TLDR version of all this is that I accidentally pulled a Kingdom Hearts plot with this character, and now I understand, Nomura. I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU BRING BACK YOUR CHARACTERS. ;_;

#Aiswyda Nuthalwyn #me as I got myself into this mess: pain #lots of pain but #but also very rewarding #I hope you all give Cravendy a follow!! lol I keep making new blogs for organizational purposes #ff14 rp #art

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