#things will be better but damn this makes a nga think

[fricc-darn]

This post is just gonna be me spitballing and yapping fr😭 If any of you guys catch my drift pls lemme know :"D

This isn't supposed to be a doomer post (cuz I don't like doomerism) BUT it may come off that way sooo yeah-

Looking back to when I was like a young kid, I was always so fascinated with the internet and fandom spaces especially! I do think the early 2000s and like early to mid 2010s of the net and online spaces where so whimsical. Esp as a kid from my background and what not. I thought it was cool to see people be authentic and sort of free in a way online? Obviously not to a crazy extent but much more than irl and stuff.

And I would read fandom posts and enjoy all the yummy content. At the time I couldn't really read very well (cuz like yk kids really can't read-) but I KNEW I wanted to be in fandom actively SAUUURRR BAD!! I looked forward to it. Despite the horrors of it all! Despite my ass lacking some social skills online as well (telling tone and vibes is kinda hard over text).

Now I got what I want (hurray :3!). Though sometimes I can't help but wonder if I belived in a fantasy. It feels diffrent than I expected? I wonder if it's because I'm not very active or talkative? Sometimes it still feels a bit lonesome? (IF ANYONE GETS THIS FEELING AS WELL P L E A SE TELL ME😭)

Then I really start to wonder. I'm soon reminded that no I didn't make up a fantasy of what being online would be. This is how it was to some degree! Yes, there menaces still existed, along with bigots (Racism and shit was DEF more...obvious? I don't like saying that either because it still is so easy to find). But when it came to just being chill and talking it was different. I just can't explain it. I feel like now people are a bit more antsy and upset :(. People argue about shit that genuinely doesn't matter. Or they ignore real problems in fandom (racism and bigotry again). Or the refusal to understand others and their exprinces, and genuinely try to relax.

And of course this ties into a greater social issues because none of these things exsist in a vacuum. A lot of negativity, moral superiority, hatred, and hypocrisy is a relection of how things have changed. It's a result of people being calcified by the systems at play. Everyone is struggling and things are actively deteriorating (not to be an alarmist). But look at how everything is fucking monetized or a commodity! Look at all the apps and sites everything is becoming centralized man. What about the people?

Kids don't have 3rd spaces, the myth of the digital native is RAMPANT, they're not being taught useful internet skills, they're not being taught basic literary skills. They don't even know where to get resources to start learning. This doesn't even include it all! So, where do they have to go? Now many of them are in spaces where they shouldn't be and talking about stuff they shouldn't be worried about at all. Stuff that most people shouldn't care about.

Same with older folk some people don't have those skills either. This plus adult responsibilities and ughh. No wonder why people act so nasty online sometimes. It's a sense of trying to have a little control in this life. A sense of venting. Or even an attempt at trying to build a better world (admirable yes but the way some people go about this is so backwards and not helpful).

This capitalist hellscape is ruining every single aspect of our lives. And I know what I'm saying isn't new. Everyone knows this. Everyone sees this. But it makes me wonder do people really care about eachother online? Do people really care about eachother at all? I know the answer is yes and I've seen some amazing things. Though sometimes it doesn't feel real?

How do people claim to care about disabled people and be all left leaning and not wear a mask or take proper covid precautions? Or constantly leave us out of discussions?

How do people claim to claim to support marginalized people and victims but also partake in hate bandwagons or other acts that can put them at risk of being hurt irl?

How do people claim to be pro mental health and still do the other things I mentioned. Or again disregarding the exprince of others and how it can affect them in more ways than one?

Who does benefit? This just isolates us further and it really benefits big corps in the end. Eating each other alive to make their jobs easier.

This whole thing reminds me why I joined tumblr. Like the vibe on here is different. Much better than other apps where you essentially become a brand instead of a person. Tumblr has weird mfs and I fw that hard.

I miss when people were freely weird and cringe. I miss when social media wasn't a fucking panopticon. I miss miss an old internet that we will never get back. And it makes me worry for the future of everything. Give people grace PLEASE😭!

I want people to be as authentic as they can be 😩 and that's why I'm yapping.

#will be spelling errors #1 am pondering #the horror persist but so do I #things will be better but damn this makes a nga think #If you get the vibe lemme know I love talking to people :>> I'm always down to talk #I use tumblr is like a little dairy scrapbook #weeramblesofmine #strive for a better world in an effective manner #importantly be against capitalism and all the nightmares it brings (yt supremacy and allat) #will this be deleted? who knows #i certainly dont #THIS IS SO LONG LMFAOO #be raw 2024

[elliesappetite]

Empty Promises ~ part one

Neteyam x gn na’vi reader

Summary: the feeling of emptiness.

A/n: yes this is a angst story! But don’t worry it does get better. Also this happens after the incident with Quaritch but the rest doesn’t exactly follow the main storyline

Tiyawn: love

Nga yawnel lu oer: i love you

Sa’nok: mother

Yawne: beloved

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thud. Choke. The sound of my heartbeat and me choking as I hold back my tears as I stare at my lover in disbelief, his gaze on me as he reaches for my cheek.

“y/n.” my name. Goddammit.

i look away, not uttering a word incase i ended up crying. I couldn’t be able to look at him. Not now. Not after what I heard.

“why?” I manage to whisper, cheeks wet, eyes stinging from the betrayal of my tears falling. “I have to. For my family. For you. For the clan.”

I finally was able to turn to look at him to see that he is also crying. Neteyam, my yawne, my future mate, my everything. After the incident at the abandoned shack, Jake and Neytiri both decided it was best for the Sully’s to leave. To leave home. Leaving me behind.

“But can’t i come?” I place my hand on his chest as i feel his heartbeat. “I’m sorry tiyawn. You can’t.”

Tiyawn. The name he always calls me. I feel my heart breaking even more.

I was his. He was mine. We have known each other since before we could even crawl. “But i can’t lose you ‘teyam. What if i never see you again?” He holds me. His smell makes me cry more. Damn traitors.

“You won’t lose me tiyawn. We will see each other again.” I look up at him. “When?” He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

Suddenly his lips landed on mine. His taste. Makes me feel even more scared then I am now. He pulls back and suddenly i feel cold. His touch, his presence alone is warm. Like a sun. He starts walking away but turns to face me one last time “i promise i’ll come back, i promise i will never forget my love for you. Nga yawne lu oer”

I smile weakly as i’m alone. Terrified. Heartbroken. My legs give out on me as I fall to the ground of his now empty marui. Sobbing for what felt like hours. I sobbed to the point where i couldn’t breathe and my eyes couldn’t produce more tears. I was alone. And was afraid his promise was nothing but empty.

Months have gone past. I barely slept. Barely ate. Barely did anything except sit in the Sully’s empty tent. My sa’nok kept coming to check on me, trying to persuade me to come out. But i couldn’t move. I was frozen. Paralysed. Like a part of me was missing when they left. When he left.

I can’t bear to mention his name. When i do, i end up sobbing. Pathetic really.

When i sleep. I dream of him. More of a nightmare. It’s always the same. It’s the day he walked away from me, muttering words like “i’ll forget you” “you’re not good enough to even remember” “I’m finding someone else to replace you” every night. I scream his name to the point my voice is hoarse. My throat is dry and i’m back on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. This then leads to panic attacks. It happens so much that I don’t sleep.

Sometimes I think about if if what he said in my dreams were true. Maybe i wasn’t good enough to be fought for. I had this horrible feeling in my gut but I ignored it. I still loved him. Surely he wouldn’t forget me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sit. All day. Everyday. Waiting for them. Praying to Eywa that he returns. That he comes back holding me, telling me that it’s okay, that he still loves me. But he doesn’t. He’s not even here.

“Happy Birthday tiyawn. I know it’s not much but i asked my mother to help me make a bracelet for you since you know, I suck at things like this.”

The bracelet. The bracelet he gave me on my birthday. Months before he left. The only thing that keeps me sane. But it’s not enough. I need to smell him, to feel him to touch him.

I shiver as I feel a shadow lurking over me. I assumed is was sa’nok. Everyday she comes by to feed me. To make sure I was okay.

I always put on a false smile, pretending i’m fine. But over the months it’s been harder to smile. She knows it. Everyone knows i’m not well.

“Sa’nok i’m not hungry”

“Hey.”

Suddenly everything stops. Time stops. I’m frozen. It can’t be.

To be continued!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: i really hope you guys liked this story, i am going to continue it so leave me suggestions, i do have a story in my mind and it is going to be sad ik ik but i love a good angst yknow? This is my first story so let me know if you enjoy it! Also should I do teasers of the upcoming chapters? Let me know!

#avatarthewayofwater #neteyamsully #angst with a happy ending #neteyam x reader #avatar2009 #jakesully #neytirisully #omaticaya #kiri sully #loak sully #tuktirey #tuk sully

[liwayway0219]

My Body is Made of Crushed Little Stars

[Essay] Silence. . . broken by rude roosters wailing outside my bedroom window. My red and puffy eyes are tired of looking at the blue sky sending sunlight directly at my face. I finally get up after an hour, looking at the exercise mat across me, then at myself and realize it’s not worth the effort. 

Contemplating whether or not I should eat breakfast today, I stare at the blank wall waiting for a sign from the heavens. My stomach rumbles, so I reluctantly go down the seemingly endless staircase. My grandmother, grinning, shouts, as my parents silently look at me like a wild animal foraging for food: “Bumaba na si taba!” 

Restrained by that sweet love of Jesus: “Thou shalt honor thy elders.” That same love that drove me to cover that damned bathroom mirror with a blue towel because seeing my stacked chin, disgusting lizard scalp, man boobs, and that icky chicken skin on my arms makes me want to pick up a chair and smash it against my head. I remain silent and just grab a glass of water instead of the freshly baked pandesal sitting on the table. 

I slowly walk up the stairs because I don’t want them to notice my bouncing blubber more than they already have. Straight to my room, locking the door behind me because they’ll force themselves in if I don’t. My mirror-like phone screen faces down while I read Don Quixote. . . I’m glad I can’t see myself in those pages. 

A silent knocking on my door, I don’t think they want me to eat. I put Don Quixote down, forcing myself to face reality once again, I went down the stairs. Steaming rice and bulalo, my grandmother sits in front of me. “Huwag mo na nga yan pakainin!” before I even sit down.  Their eyes turn to me as I slurp my fourth spoonful of rice and soup.

Every day is a new day, full of effective ways to unknowingly (or knowingly) trigger my insecurities. On Monday it was Keratosis. Tuesday it was my weight. Wednesday was Seborrhea. Thursday was especially depressing. Friday was surprisingly peaceful, and on the weekends it’s a bloodbath. My only respite lies in reading books and writing fiction, listening to ‘My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars’ while happily writing short stories for ten people on the internet to see. 

Back in my room as I unenthusiastically do my schoolwork, I receive a notification on my computer: “Discussion starts in five minutes!” Five chapters of Don Quixote each week and I’m ten chapters ahead despite hating the book. When I first joined the book club, I was afraid, petrified even. I kept thinking I could never add anything meaningful to their conversations. Eventually I warmed up to them, realizing that they don’t know what I look like. To them, I wasn’t that “huwag-kang-tataba-nang-ganyan” kid that mothers would point at and whisper to their children as if I didn’t notice.  

The discussion moderators made us watch a university lecture the day before. They were an hour long each but I didn’t mind. I watched as the chat rooms pile up with arguments I could never think of, picking prose piece-by-piece like a nerdy school of piranhas. I forgot the details, but I will never forget one thing a friend typed out: “Amidst constant mockery and derision, Don Quixote still strove to be anyone but himself, constantly augmenting his very being, not knowing if it's for better or worse." He never cared about social affirmation, whether the ‘helmet’ was a helmet or a dirty bucket, whether the ‘enemy’ was just a windmill like Sancho has repeated numerous times or an actual formidable enemy. He just wanted to fulfill the so-called duties of the knight-errant he so desperately wished to become. Self-invention may be heavily demonized in Cervantes’ work, but we must acknowledge that it is what makes us human.

Unlike me, Don Quixote didn’t think twice about charging head first into a windmill. Why continue being a Sancho? 

I started small, like participating in class recitations when previously I’d stare off into the distance because if I didn’t see the teacher, they didn’t see me. Each time I raised my hand, my overly-hesitant mind conjured up many reasons I shouldn’t. The first few weeks, I stuttered and I was visibly shaking. At one point I vomited from nervousness because I went first for a presentation (luckily the garbage bin was nearby). After a few weeks I finally got the hang of it.

Exhaustion after a long day of school recitations and quizzes exacerbated by another notification on my phone: “Submission bins for the annual school competition are now open!” followed by my school friends asking me if I’m going to join and what category I’m entering. I was ecstatic, this was a chance to prove to everybody that I am not who I used to be. Productive weeks spent writing the story of a failed baker, melancholic under the grace of the moonlight. Short stories aren’t exactly my strong-suit but I still hoped to at least be put on the longlist. Sleepless nights, waiting for an announcement, until finally, the notification pops up on my computer. An overwhelming silence fills my room, the type of silence met the night before a long road trip… I won? My brain paused for a second as my eyes welled up with tears, happy tears, because for once in my life, I was something.

I felt I was confident enough to move to deeper, shark-infested waters and decided to run as the founding president of our school’s literary society and writers’ guild, Kabanata. I wanted my members to have what I had, for them to find refuge and respite in reading. We had a rocky start at first, having problems with elections, member engagement, and the general hardships of trying to organize a community for the first time without much help. Through weeks of learning what works and what doesn’t, we finally got it right. We had monthly writing challenges and book discussions within the organization where students shared, listened, and argued with each other enthusiastically. I'm glad I gave them a platform—they had better ideas than I had when I first joined a book club. Though I’ve moved on to catch bigger waves, I hope that what I created continues to be a haven for other Sanchos.

My whole life people thought of me as the emotionally sensitive fat kid they had to walk on eggshells around. They probably thought I couldn’t hear their snide “iiyak na yan” remarks followed by faint laughter. My journey of improvement has brought me closer to a once distant dream of undismissable self-worth. Though I still have eons to achieve that dream, I sometimes like to think I’m only one step closer to it.  

My body is made of crushed little stars, along with tons of useless dirt and muck that stained my then-happy brain. Little by little I have learned to accept who I am. Little by little I will gain the confidence to take down that blue towel covering the bathroom mirror, and reveal the pale yet shimmering stardust cascading from the heavens to my very being.

#writers on tumblr #essay #college essay #filipino writers #self acceptance #bodyshaming #mitski #writing #school #story #original story #essayist

[shenashygans]

It's Sunday again! Oh, how time flies~ Last episode na agad ng Demon Slayer S3 today. Ay? Hahaha. So, how was your week so far? Here's mine. Another TSC from yours truly~

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY -21-

CURRENTLY

Reading

A Housemaid's Secret by Freida McFadden. Still!!! I know, I know. Half of the year and I'm still on a reading slump. Isiksik ko nalang lahat ng TBR ko ng isang month bago matapos ang taon siguro? :)

Writing

The Sunday Currently 21! Wow. Umabot tayo sa 21, friends.

Listening

LDR - Shoti. The sped up version. Damn tiktok. Been LSS for days weeks.

Thinking

What was it like? To be young & reckless again. To post whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want. Thinking, would it make a difference now? I don't think so. Hehehe. Maybe, I just want to know what it feels like. Meh

Smelling

My perfume. Jo Malone - Nectarine chuchu

Wishing

Everyone a happy father's day! :) I wish also for better days. And a smooth transition in the following weeks/months. Wishing all the bad days will just disappear.

Hoping

That I won't give in to pressure. That I'd be calm & collected always. That my mind & heart is at peacr all the time.

Wearing

My inc uni lolol

Loving

The fact that I am not alone anymore (ang drama, pero sana gets niyo. Lol) I mean, I have partner that will always anchor me when my head is above the clouds. I have someone to hold my hand when I'm afraid of the future, our future. The fact that I'm not facing anything alone anymore. "May mga bagay na di mo na gagawing mag-isa kasi andito na ako" :) thank you, love. I appreciate you & the things that you do.

Wanting

A tattoo & piercing. Idk. Sabi ni roomie, pag may bagay na bumabagabag sa utak mo, it means, gusto mo talaga. And I really want a new tattoo and/or piercing. I want also to fast forward where I'm in point A to B alreay. I don't want the hassle in between. Can we do that? No? Okay.

Needing

To do my nails because it's long na. Brought all the stuff needed. Execution nalang. Lol. I need to sort out my priorities, too. One thing at a time. But I am absolutely sure that living with you is on the tippy-top of my list.

Feeling

Nervous and excited all at the same time. Made the biggest (and most sure-est) decision I've ever made in my life. And it scares me. Not the fact that I'm quitting my job, or the moving part, or the living together part. But I'm scared of being a burden for not finding a job right away. Praying that it will all fall to place eventually. Ako pa ba? Yakang-yaka 'yan sabi nga ni papa.

~Manifesting all the (highest) job offers soon for me~

I'm feeling sure. Is that even a feeling? It feeks like, everything is falling into place. Slowly, but surely :)

Medyo lengthy 'tong post ko this Sunday ahh. Dami mong kuda @ self? Lol. Have a great Sunday y'all 😄

[marukurorenz]

I'm bored so I decided to watch this movie, and what better way to watch than doing it with unfiltered writing. Rules: no erasures, no correction of wrong grammar, no changing. Okkkkkk so here I goooo

Start:

Anna scott huh..

Grabe the choice of music so pang matanda

He's so gwapoo

I need English subtitles

Diko talaga gets humor ng mga brit

Bookshop!!

He always does dramatic monologue habang naglalakad, it's so me hahaha

Ang ganda talaga hair niya

Books.. siguro dipa uso internet nhn panahon na yun.

Ganda talaga ng eyes niyaa

The street reminds me of Iloilo

So stupid, papasok ka in a stranger's house

Pero if it hugh grant's house siguro I'll do rha same thing.

Do you always say no to everything?

Maybe is a safe answer

KISS AGAD?!

MALANDIIIIII!!!

Hahahahahahhaa they're watching a movie of her and she's saying"No"

Hay nakooo impossible talaga mangyari!

Someone famous meeting an ordinary person,ehat are the odds

Hay nako

The joke about the flatmate being stupid and ridiculous is not funny

They're trying to do it for the laughs pero I think he's a ver cool person

What's with Brits and tea? They always use it as a reason to fuck

Yiiiiihhh may dala siyang flowers!! Kahit na she's out of his league, nagdala paein siya ng flowers! Anything is appreciated talaga kahit cheap binili.

Ouch!! I FEEL BAD FOR HIM!!

OMMGG

ang cute!

Ang ganda talaga ng hair!! Ang gwapo

Hahaha Ok that's funny!

I mean seriously!! You'll apologize for kissing him?! You could've just ignored him yet you invited him! Malandi kang babae ka

This is the thing that sort of happen in dreams.. not in real life.. huhuhu so true, tangina no chance na mangyari sa tutoong buhay, though pwede pero it's a one in a million

Uuggghhhh bat ako kinikilig!

He's so cute and funny

They're having a date in a children's birthday T_T

JUSKO AKALA KO NAMAN LITTLE SISTER!

Pagkakita ko sa little sister niya mukhang nagddrugs na

OHHMAAAAAYYYYGOOOODDDDD

THAT SONG!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!! THE ONLY SONG I KNOW HOW TO PLAY SA GUITAR!!!

OK!! BINABAWI KO NA COMMENT KO SA SONG CHOICE!!!

bat ang daming candles sa table lol, fire hazard

They're fighting for a brownie

They're telling eachother how shitty their lives are

FLOPPY????? IS BECAUSE OF THE HAIR?! ang cute kaya ng hair niya!!!

They're walking in a neighborhood then walang tao?! Pleaaasseee *inserts rolling eyes emoji "

OMMGGG THIS SOMG!!!!!! THEN THEY KISSED!!

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart..

The smile on your face let's me know that you need me, there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me, whenever I fall..

You say it's best.. when you say nothing at all..

Tangina I really had to pause the movie para lang masulat ko lyrics

From June who loved this garden-

From Joseph who always sat beside her.

Tangiiinnnnaaaaaa

Fuck.. she has a boyfriend..

Red flag..

Tangina this is heartbreaking

Wtf is a fruitarian??

Pero why the fuck are they shoving women sakanya just because he's heartbroken. Women do not solve the problem, he just needs time -_-

Bakit ba ang bait mo..

You're still willing to help her

Why do they make it seem like cheating is a normal thing!

A good day is always unexpected, anuba tingin mo

Uuggghhhh they're making out!! How can you have a conscience na tigasan if you're fuckywith a girl who has a boyfriend

Ay split na oala sila

Ok they really fucked

But it still leaves a tugging feeling sa heart kasi .. oo nga pala wala na sila

"You're lovelier this morning than you have ever been"

Tanginnnnaaaaa THE KIND OF BOLA NA NAKAKAKILIG NA NAKAKAASAR

OMG SILA PA NG BOYFRIEND NIYA

TANGINA IKAW PA GALIT TANGINANG PUTA

Ok he's a little bit naive and insensitive.. he's kinda unknowingly gaslighting her. Pero they both have mistakes

Tangina ang complicated, what if di nalang kayo juskoo

Pero puta nakakaasar yung flatmate! Madaldal! Justifiable rin pala galit ni girlie sa flatmate

Damn ang haba ng movie na to 2 hours

Bitch!!!

Why do you keep chasing her.. bakit ka nageeffort sakanya.. you're so stupid.

She's famous pero, still.. you deserve someone better.. tangina just leave her

Bitch why are you here!

She's giving him a canvas?

Reminds me of macoy, nakikipagbreak nalang may gusto pa ibigay..

I didn't accept

Kapal ng face mo girl

OMG TAMA YAN REJECT HER

Kasi naman tangina.. you're not just an option..

Oookkkk sooo this is the scene where she says it.. I'm girl standing in from of a boy, asking him to love her

Sorry girl I don't feel it for you..

What?? Nooo you didn't made the weong decision

Goioooooooddddd so hahabulin siya sa airport????? So original

It would've been better sana if di sila nagkatuluyan

Ok di pala sa airport, presscon pala

Myyy gooodd what are the odds!!!! *inserts rolling eyes emoji*

Okkkk so di na naghabupan sa airport

It's not that cliche pala hehe

Haaaayyyyyyyy poetic Justice...

Poetic Justice...

I hate poetic justice..

TANGINA???!!!!! KASAL AGAD?! I MEAN WHOTHE WEDDING??!!! I mean even if she's a bitch di pwedeng siya lang magshoulder sa marriage expenses niyo!!!

She's pregnant,

Sana all

CHAR!!!

ok end credits na.. I think dipa nageexist end credit scenes sa panahon nato so diko na tatapusin lol

Hmmmm

Final thoughts:

It's too good to be true

It doesn't make sense

I mean they made out dahil nagkabungguan sila

Then they made up for what reason??

I mean yeah that scene was very romantic, "Just a girl standing in front of a biy etc" that's not enough to for someone to give someone another chance. Anuyon dahil mahal ko siya??? Ok ikaw bahala, still.. personally I wouldn't have done the same

06.19.22 | Sat | 2:19 pm

[seedleaflesssapling]

Ver 2.0? Turning Point?

I can't really identify to which point in my life that i started to doubt myself but im pretty sure that it was because of UP. Damn, that school, my uni. It do really have the ability to make you feel small; i was in a disadvantaged side when i entered it, you know. I was acquainted, no we did not really talked one-on-one, but i heard when we did introductions - Pisay, UP High, science comprehensive schools, Xavier University, who wouldn't be intimidated by that when you came from Col. Ruperto Abellon National School (who would know where that is? I was lucky enough for a teacher recognized it and my classmates be like 'ahhhhhh,' .....really?! I dont even know where xavier is, it just sounds cool). Another thing is that, i wasn't a stem shs graduate - a leverage(?) or excuse (?) that i always use for them to know that i am at disadvantaged side here, not their competitor, probably a NOBODY. They, being stem graduates, have capstone projects you never thought that they have at that age, but i would hear them saying that it was publish in this journal (whatever, idk the journals lmao, i dont even understand their studies 2nd lmao, but that was some smart shit you know, a shit that makes me feel pathetic for being too proud of my what? Correlational study from inconsistent surveys?!!! Wtf, wtf, wtf). But it was a very good peer pressure you know, i kinda turned it that way. Being left behind, being on the rock bottom, i have no other place to go but up. It wasn't the goal, like making or taking the top spot, i just need to survive.

Inevitably, the exams came. I had hard time adjusting chem but math was kind to me. Who would have thought that i would get two 1.0 at my math subjects for the first semester, the sem that i thought i would barely pass. I was even a CS for that sem. Who would have thought? Our first chemical engineering subject that involves computations was on the list the next semester and the first exam, out of 100 i got something like 20ish. WTF. THAT WAS MY FIRST FAILED EXAM. but no, never did cry but tears were flooding inside. So apparently, i have to focus more on this subject and i did. Some were still failing, but i raised my average up. We also had physics, my first ever physics. I really love physics that time or that sir rommel is just a very good professor. I got the highest score on our second LE, everybody else did fail. Small victories. Not that they lose, but i just won. But i heard one time they were talking about me re: passing the physics exam and even getting a high score. They were uhm.. a guy i really look up to cause his good, the other was a girl that idk but i think she didn't like me back then. They were friends but eventually the girl transferred uni because who cares why. i heard the guy saying something like sin.o gid na si franklin nga taas iya score man, maybe even worse than that, i still look up to the guy even until now. But wtf. I really took it in that time, like i wanted to cry but did not. With all that, i got a fair grade at physics. I still got 1.0 at maths that sem and even maintained being on the CS list. S M I L E. BECAUSE WE HAVE A MIDYEAR CLASS. VERY EXHAUSTING FOR SOMEONE WHO DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST ADJUST, SURVIVE, AND FIND MEANING OF BEING A UP STUDENT. It was just one subject and it was math, but i got 2.0?!!! I have no excuse to that, i am very grateful for the family who accommodated me. After midyear class, i did got sick, it sucks, really sucks. I wanted to file an LOA for the next academic year, it is the only thing i can think of for me to go back on track (i haven't said that my parents pushed me to graduate with latin honor and i wanted to also for my resume to look good because everything else in me is effed up). I really wanted to pause and be free for a while but i also wanted to graduate on time (mostly because i want to give the bitches who dared to have expectations be put on my shoulders not the satisfaction, but the audacity to tell them 'i aint did it for ya') so i asked mama. THANK GOD, SHE DID SAY NA KUNG ANO LANG KAYA MO, AMO LANG DA IH 😭😭🤧🤧 so i enrolled, but went to school late, haven't attended the school opening but all is good. I did kind of reset, just enough for me to face school again.

Second year, it was fucked. I did really love coding on octave and doing sheets at ms excel though. On that year, we have formed the che 103 bagsak group. Together with two of my classmates on 103 and math 55, we became buddies after failing che 103 on the first LE, another 30 over 100 exam hahahahaha. We made bawi just enough for us to pass the subject hahahahahuhu. I have thermodynamics sub, i barely pass. Thank G na wala ko nag removal. If ever i did, i am so sure that i wont make it. My GWA for that sem was not enough for me to be a CS. Who cares? I still did, actually but mama was never been too pushy since then, even since after midyear, after getting that 2.0 grade from the only subject i am good at. Btw, my math 55 for first sem, second year, was 1.25. Not a 1.0 but still, it's good. Second semester that year was when pandemic hit so there's nothing much to tell. I was, sorry but i was really, glad to be away from school for a while, not until for a while became forever. Virtual university set-up was very hard. With too much from taking in whatever i see and hear on my surroundings, even just at home, everything is difficult. It is very hard to find motivation and discipline in studying when i was surrounded with people who do nothing. Even to this point i am writing, everyday is like a battle, but is mostly an internal one. Self vs self, a war no one knows who will win. So the confidence, the tower of knowledge i did build, exponentially went down. I did really well when i was in grade 10, i did my best that time and it can be seen at the achievements i had that year. Being consistently on top 1 the whole year, placing second on division MMC (even getting the highest score on the written elimination round for the whole cluster), doing well sa physics under maam andico, placings on cluster journalism competitions - it was like a record best, best record (?) Whatever. But it wasn't enough you know, i eventually came fourth like wtf. I had read from somewhere Newton saying like the two years when he did write the three laws of motion and the calculus stuff were the two best years of his life, and it kept me thinking that what if mine already passed? That it was when i was in high school?

But, back when i was in school, every time that i was belittling myself or even at random times that i would feel nervous for nothing, my classmates and close friends would say na:

Uno mo man ang Math, uno mo na na (it was a one or two time thing, what if chamba lang to???)

Ikaw man highest sa first le sa thermo (it was really an absolutely one time thing, i barely passed that sub)

Alam ka man sa physics (i was just invested on physics and maybe nachambahan lang na ang ginpractice ko solve kay parallel sa exam ni sir)

Alam ka, d ka lang confident (OKAY???!)

I was ignoring those shit cause who cares if i did really good that time. Yeah, it felt good but it wasn't fulfilling. Satisfied but not happy. But with recent events, i think i would be changing. This post will be a written contract that i will push to be better, to start trusting myself, and build that confidence glow behind me; to believe that i am bright and i can hack it, whatever it may be.

For coherence, i would itemize na lang all of the events that brought me to epiphany lol

It was Friday, 17 Sep, when Dean, in our plant design subject, gave an activity for us - to come up with solutions that would address problems he presented. 1 off grid island community (either you address the water, electricity, and phone reception/signal problem under a 100k budget) and 2 vinegar packaging with a 500 mL volume and should cost less than the cost of vinegar. The due's on Monday, 20 Sep. The challenge is that you should come up with an idea that is not the same with those who already turned in their proposed solutions. I haven't turned in mine until Sunday afternoon. We are 23 in class, hence there should be 23 proposed solutions for each problem. However, only 20 or 21 turned in their solutions and as a student who decided to do it three days after the sheet was given, i was at the second to the last of the entries hahaha. I have limited choice since a lot have been proposed. And ngl, i did entered my idea for the first problem at Sunday evening and for the second problem it was on the afternoon of the next day. Those were basic solutions cause who am I? Am just your basic guy.

Tuesday, 21 Sep (#NeverForget #NeverAgain), class again for plant design (PD). Dean discussed stuffs which im ngl, i did not listen because im bored (not until he said 'we'll have a 5-min break and we'll have a quiz after that' like wtf, how will we do our quiz???!). After the short break, I did study cause i panicked as hell, he presented the prospects of the course, that we will be divided in groups and that the leaders were chosen based on the solutions they turned in the activity previously given. So there's no quiz, i was calm the whole time after that until my name was called. Like wtf??! Your basic guy will be a leader???! Hello!!! So i chat people, asked them if it was a good thing (course it was!!!? So dumb right?!). And then, i asked another leader and she agreed to my argument that we should only be divided into six instead of seven as what dean has decided. So i chatted dean (pic below). I just accepted the role half-heartedly.

As leaders, we should be hiring people for our team and we should make pubs. I dont have a canva account to help me do pubs. I made mine at MS ppt HAHAHAHAHAHA but im good so its cute. We were assigned with projects and i get to have the 4-member team. The vacant roles were project maven and liaison officer for a 3-member team. In my pubs, i included scrummaster as position to be filled, cause who am i to lead?! So yeah, that's it. I did the pubs Wednesday and I submitted my resume Thursday (third to the last hahahaha but my resume's cute hahaha).

Thursday. So i had this invite by a classmate to join the Shell event long time ago. He was reaching out for someone to ask Dean for his approval because Dean did not replied to the email he sent. So, i volunteered. I really want this competition cause this will be my first and maybe last competition as a UP student. So i DMed dean and blah blah blah he asked for selection process. I relayed the message and apologize to them for being me because i was thinking that it was me who made him come up with the decision of having the team be selected. Like, wtf i was just asking for his approval. Getting kicked out of the team was not my intention. Those whom i chatted that night were telling me that it wasn't my fault blah blah blah. So i half-heartedly agreed to them.

Friday came, yesterday, the interview. I am very anxious for someone who will be the one asking the applicants lmao. I already have been interviewed before for college applications and somehow remember the feeling, nerve wracking, whatever. To calm my nerves, i listed questions which i never got to ask properly btw, but at least i have concrete ideas on what to ask. The first interviewee was my very closed friend and so we just laugh and laugh and laugh HAHAHAHAHA. IDK if dean saw it but who cares. And the next and next and next. 3:30 passed by fast and guess what??? YOUR BASIC GUY HAS THE MOST NUMBER OF APPLICANTS TO THE POINT THAT DEAN CUT MY LIST. IT WAS EXHAUSTING BUT VERY FLATTERING. I FEEL SO HONORED. i really thought and very scared at the thought that no one will apply to me but wtf, just wtf. Ranking my applicants was damn hard. 1 i have a dream team but one was cut by dean; 2 this could make my friends mad; 3 this will be the group for the whole year; 4 i am really exhausted. But still, i submitted the list. I was hoping for the people i chose to choose me back. Only two out of three did, i am forever grateful.

Still on Friday, the classmate who invited me to the Shell thing and Dean had a zoom call and discussed about the competition. That classmate told dean what i told him the other day that i might be the reason for the decision of having the selection process done. He told me this through a voice memo, katamad daw magtype. A voice message that i played over and over again. Dean actually find me interesting (?), Invested (?) Idk exactly but the classmate told me na 'may nakikita daw talaga sya sayo. Na grabe ka ka-practical as a person like yung ideas mo daw sa plant design napakasimple lang pero napaka practical to the point daw na madami nag apply sayo kanina. And then, you need more confidence lang daw talaga' so ig, you basic guy is a practical guy now. It's just flattering.

Now, whatever happens, i must meet those expectations right? This could be a lousy motivation but what is if there's none? I dont know why im writing this. I just thought i should get my thoughts out. Ver 2.0? Turning point? Let's just do good 😌

PS I put this on my bio on FB, guess im getting more public, and if you happened to read this because you saw the link on my bio, send me a message about you thoughts.

PPS if your initials are JTZC, these have been my week and i miss you even though you're not interested in me anymore, you are hard to forget

[marixpedition]

5 Risks That Gave 2019 a 180-Degree Turn

It is almost the end of the year, and here we are trying to look back at what basically happened in the year that is yet to end. I am guessing that it will either be a trip down to memory lane or a flashback of regrets. It is undeniable that we are all rooting for the former though.

2019 embodies a different personality for every person. I have scrolled through Instagram looking at people’s 2019 stories - travel, success, milestones, relationships, reconciliation, breakups, enlightenment, coffee, and more coffee. Some would say it is a year to be thankful for; some would say it is something they have to let go of. I am thinking each year boils down into two options: make or break. 

I have known people who got married this year, had their first child, graduated from college or graduate school, got back with their ex, traveled a lot this year, just got promoted at work. Others I have known of lost a family member, ended a long time relationship, got cheated on, lost an opportunity they have been waiting for so long, was rejected by a person they liked so much or friendzoned, had a friendship gap because of little things that got out of hand.

Disclaimer lang puu: ‘di ako nagbablind item or nangchichismis.

Each year that passes for us is a mathematical problem that just got solved or just left us even more puzzled than we were in this life. If I were to assess my 2019, I choose the latter. There are so many things this year that got me asking myself, “ What the heck was that?” or “What on Earth just happened?”

I am about to share to you 5 personal things that happened in my year and what I learned from them. These are not just 5 personal issues or drama or whatever you would call that, but they are “risks” I took this year that made me tell myself, “Damn, girl! Ano? Rebel ghorl?”

1. Pixie Cut

Christmas of 2018 was when I finally had a short haircut after 3 years of having a long hair, but 2018 was yet to be shaken. It was because I finally decided, middle of this year, to get a pixie after a year of push and pull conflict with myself. I was too excited to get my hair chopped real short that time and also nervous. Why was I nervous? SIZT! I was about to get the shortest length of haircut in my entire life (so far). Who knows I might sport myself a baldy some day? 

Do I consider it a risk? ENTIRELY. It was a huge risk because I was not fully confident that I will be able to pull it off after the magic of the salon blower expires. It turns out to be true. Reactions of the people I know were mixed. “Omg! You cut your hair? I love it!” “It suits you! How I wish I can do the same!” “What happened to your hair?!” “Why did you cut it?” “What are you doing with your life?” (Oo besh may ganun nagtanong, “Ano ginagawa mo sa buhay mo?”)

How did my family react to it? My brother - no comment. My mother - at first she was confused as to why I would cut my hair very short but she eventually accepted my decision. After months of having my pixie, she also got the same hairdo. Idol talaga ako ng nanay ko. ‘Di bale idol ko din naman siya. My father - he did not like it. He thought I looked like a “tomboy” in Filipino context. Jake Zyrus ganorn daw. Even my relatives from the province was not a fan of it especially the titas. I still love them, but I was on the verge of blaming the culture for what it has imposed on women with short hair and glorifying those with long ones. But I said to myself, WHATEVER. 

That is when it hit me. 

That is how it feels when you defy the norms without actually violating any rules. Cliché man pero EMPOWERED tayo mga mamshies. It was following my heart’s desire without compromising my faith and principles nor any relationship. It was a great leap for me - doing something new and beyond my comfort zone.

It reminded me of the day I put my life in the hands of the Lord. Many people would say it is very risky and scientifically unstable based on human calculations, but never in my entire life did I feel like I have done the right-est thing until I have surrendered everything to Him.

But why did I grow my hair again? P350 monthly haircut maintenance at Bench Fix Salon. Mahal, besh. Pulubi na ako.

2. 2nd Pair of Lobe and Helix Piercing

The second thing I will talk about is indeed RISKY. I admit that I have compromised few of my principles and relationships here. Example would be the promise to keep the body pure for it is the temple of the Holy Spirit, which means that having tattoos or cuts/wounds do not make the Lord pleased. Also, because I am an educator who is to be a role model in the academic institution, I must not have gotten a piercing that could push my students to do the same which obviously is not allowed in school.

Second best question is do I regret getting those piercings? Kind of. I am not the type of person who breaks the rules because I detest any form of hassle if it can be avoided. Now, having these piercings is so hassle when I am at work because they have to be removed then put on again at night to make sure the holes do not close.

Hassle talaga, mga besh. Wala eh. Priorities. I love my work more than my nice earrings and piercings.

Kathryn Bernardo made me get the piercings. Haaayy. I still love her though.

Do I recommend piercing? Yes, one pair only for girls. For boys, nah.

But to those who are wondering where I got them (hehe), I’ve had my first pair of lobe since I was a child. I don’t exactly remember where I got them. My second lobe piercings are from Unisilver which used an ear gun. It was more painful compared to needle piercing. My helix piercing was done by Iggy Boy Palma, a professional tattoo and piercing artist, at Whiplash Tattoo in BF Aguirre. Popular question: Which is safer and less painful? Definitely, needle piercing. I give it a 2/10 level of pain.

3. Bleaching my Hair

It was only this December that I finally decided to give my grown pixie a new look. I had the back part trimmed and gave in to the highlights club. At first, I was troubled by how it looked like after having it bleached. IT WAS SUPER LIGHT AND BRIGHT #ManokNaDilaw (yellowish orange). I got nervous because it looked bad on me, and I do not want to be called out again for another violation. So, I had the stylist layer the color with another coating which is gray.

Many people have asked how it was done. Let me share with you how simple it was. First, the stylist tied my hair in half pony tail. The loose part (untied) was the one that got bleached and colored gray. Finally, if you put the pony down, the light dye will be covered but is partially seen which is actually the idea of the style.

Was I happy about it? SUPER. I think this hairstyle is actually cool-subtle kind of rebel. It is not loud obvious, but it shows and stands out. Thank you, Pinterest.

Do I recommend it being done in a salon? Yes! Less hassle, and the stylists know better. However, if you have been coloring your own hair for years now, I guess you could do a DIY not to mention that it will be cheaper.

4. Getting Darker

What is wrong with being dark? NOTHING. But is there something wrong? Yes, many in this country believe that those who are fairer look better. Am I angry? No, but I am sad. Ganda ko kaya, char.

This year, I was blessed to have visited Boracay with my church friend. Despite it being crowded, it was a real paradise (Kala ko nga nasa abroad ako eh puro foreigners legit). The white sand was so fine just like flour. During the trip, I did bring with me sunscreen but not to make myself not get dark but to avoid sunburn. Yes. I was super ready to dive into the sea and just get all that rays on sunshine on my skin. When going on a beach trip, getting a tan is a must. I think tan looks pretty. To cut the long story short, I got darker intentionally lol.

Why is this a risk? I believe I have never been as dark as that in the past four years. After some time, our family went to our province in Quezon. Many of our relatives were like, “Ang itim mo!” “You got dark!” (Ano pa po? Keep it coming!) Well, it’s true, but what is saddening is the facial expressions that accompanied their remarks. Am I mad? Of course, not! It is a risk I do not regret at all. I do not mind getting dark as long as I get dark while on a beach trip and not here in Manila heat.

5. A New Work Responsibility

Now is some serious talk. (Kabado me sa part na ituu) What has changed this academic year for me? First, I got new additional tasks that are more challenging. Second, I am advising both students and teachers already. Third, I’m doing OTs again.

What exactly is this that I am talking about? It’s hard to explain, but let me put it this way. I used to be just an extra in a scene. Now, I am a some sort of a minor character who is tasked to help the protagonist achieve the goal and slay the enemies.

Am I happy about the opportunity? BIG YES. Is it mostly fun doing the job? No (nako nako talaga). There are more emotional heartbreaks, mental breakdowns, and sleepless nights. I have learned things in a not so easy way like how words could mean differently to the company and to the customer and how honest and transparent I must be to our clients. There were moments when I think I knew better, and it was so difficult to submit to authority. In those times, I was able to prove again that only God will remain consistent by my side. He is my constant help and supporter who encouraged me to choose what is right rather than what is convenient.

Did this opportunity put me in a better situation? Triple yes. I admit that the journey is an uphil climb. There is absolutely zero shortcuts (hirap kung hirap mga kapatid). However, God surrounded me with people who helped me mature, be graceful under pressure, control my emotions, laugh despite the hurt, and clearly see the beauty of being a teacher.

To end this post, I would like to just praise the God Almighty for His faithfulness in our lives. Getting through the 365 days is no joke. There were nights I thought of not going to work the next day because I had so many doubts and insecurities. Fortunately, I have only had one absence because I was sick. It was an ironman race to finish 2019. There were several curves and confusing directions which stressed me so much. Even though it was exhausting and tempting to give up, God pushed me to not stop moving until the end of the race (which of course I have not reached yet).

My 2019 is not as extravagant or controversially interesting as others’, but what I can say is that in those motivating experiences that happened in my year, I have earned a bigger faith in Him.

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

v. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

v.7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

#2019 #yearend #goodbye2019 #yearendlearnings #reflections #newyear #thankyou #grateful #inspirational #spiritual #Christian

[mattholicguilt]

@seaflying-fliptuna requested dani/xi’an a while back so. here’s them playing cornhole and stargazing circa x-force #75

Selene may have crashed the festival, but she didn’t ruin the whole night. Dani still has plenty of time to catch up with Xi’an over a game of cornhole, bottle of kombucha in her hand where she’d much prefer a beer. “Whoo!” Xi’an cheers across from her, sinking a beanbag into the hole of the cornhole board. “That’s 2-0. Better sharpen up, Moonstar.” 

“It’s not my fault I’m used to aiming psychic arrows, not bags,” Dani huffs, leaning down to collect the differently colored beanbags. 

“No excuse!” Xi’an declares, marching across no man’s land to take the beanbags back. “Face it, Dani. There’s finally a sport I can beat you in.”

“You always beat me at chess,” Dani points out.

“Tch. Chess isn’t a sport,” Xi’an says, standing aside so Dani can lob her own beanbags at Xi’an’s cornhole board. “Video games aren’t a sport either. Don’t let Roberto fool you.”

“Oh, I never do.” Dani tosses a beanbag and it lands about six inches to the left of the cornhole board. “Dammit.” 

“My little sister throws better than that,” Xi’an calls, laughing. Dani throws another beanbag, this one aimed directly at Xi’an herself. It hits her in the hip and she laughs. “It’s a very good thing your powers are psionic-based and aim isn’t necessary. I shudder to imagine what you’d be like with Boom-Boom’s powerset.” 

Dani flips her off affectionately. And then she says, “I like seeing you like this.” 

“What, the hair?” Xi’an asks, her hand flying to her newly-dyed pink buzzcut. 

“All of it,” Dani clarifies. “You were always so serious. It’s nice seeing you let your hair down… so to speak. And I don’t know, you look like you’re having fun with yourself. And your, ah, ‘girlfriends.’”

“Simone and Jessikah,” Xi’an says. 

“Yeah, them.” Dani tilts her head to the side. “Are they… ?” 

“They’re, um, each other’s girlfriends,” Xi’an clarifies. “Like. Girlfriend-girlfriends. But they’re my friends. Just my friends.” 

“Okay, so, you see where calling them your girlfriends is confusing though, right?” 

Xi’an’s laughing. “I guess.”

One beanbag still hangs in Dani’s left hand, mostly forgotten for the moment. “So do you… ? Have a girlfriend?” Xi’an looks at her. “I just keep picturing you in New York with some chic penthouse loft, going to the opera with beautiful women.” 

“More like devouring instant noodles in a little studio apartment,” Xi’an corrects. “It’s nice. It’s amazing. But it’s not glamorous.” 

“I know all about ‘not glamorous,’” Dani says. “Last night I slept in the back of the car with Siryn’s feet sticking in my face. And you’re dodging the question.” 

Xi’an sighs. “No, I don’t have a girlfriend.” 

“What a coincidence,” Dani says, tossing her beanbag across the space between them. “Neither do I.” 

The moon gets higher in the sky, and activities start winding down. Roberto and Tabs slink off somewhere to do god-knows-what. Jimmy and Terry are lying on a blanket staring up at the stars scattered across the sky. Out here in the desert, with so few lights to block them out, the stars cover the inky night sky like freckles. 

Xi’an and Dani stretch out on their own blanket, a few yards away from Jimmy and Terry, in a world of their own. “That’s Draco, the dragon,” Dani says, pointing upward, remembering long nights looking up at the sky with her grandfather. “And over there, Hercules.” 

“Oh, I loved that movie,” Xi’an says. “Danny DeVito plays Philoctetes. It was delightful.” 

“You’re delightful,” Dani mumbles, aching to hold her hand. “Did, uh, did Leong and Nga like it?” 

“Yes,” she says. “They were singing the songs for weeks. I had to buy the CD because it was all they wanted to hear.” 

She sighs again, and Dani focuses too much on the rise and fall of her chest. “How are they liking the city?” she asks, trying to focus on the stars above her. 

“It’s loud,” Xi’an says. “Louder than Salem Center. They’re getting settled in, though. And… things have been so wild, for me and for them. I mean, after what they went through with Spiral…” It’s a hot night, but she shivers. “Things are finally stable. We’re together again, and… and everything’s good, really good. Like I said, stable.” 

Dani looks up at the sky. She knows the constellations, but now she makes up new ones out of random configurations of stars. She sees herself and Xi’an, she sees a buzzing bee, she sees a heart. 

“I know what you mean,” Dani says. “I mean, it’s weird… me and Bobby and the gang, we’re in a different city every night. We have no money, not since Bobby’s trust fund got frozen. We have no plans. And yet… it feels stable. It feels… I don’t know, sustainable, you know? Maybe that sounds dumb. But it’s like, we aren’t fooling ourselves thinking anyone is looking out for us but us. We’re free to do what we want, and we’re not tied down, and we can really help people. It’s been really good, you know? For me.” 

“Makes sense,” Xi’an says. “You always were a free spirit.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who cut off all my hair,” Dani points out, and Xi’an laughs a little breathlessly and then they’re both looking up. They’re both looking up, not at each other, but Dani can feel the small movements, the rustling of the blanket as Xi’an’s hand inches toward hers. 

Dani moves her hand a little bit and Xi’an moves her hand a little bit and then their fingers are brushing, just barely. Dani takes the plunge and intertwines their fingers, palms together, and Xi’an squeezes her hand, and still they don’t look at each other. 

“I missed you,” Dani admits, her voice suddenly lower. “A lot.” 

“Me too,” Xi’an says. 

They’re holding hands, and the world is turning beneath them. 

Xi’an tells her, “I’m going back to New York tomorrow.” 

“We’re Vegas-bound,” Dani says. 

And they’re both happy— really happy— where they are, it’s just a shame that life on the open road won’t be taking Dani to New York any time soon. It’s a shame that their own lives are keeping them from seeing each other every day, taking walks in the park, ordering takeout and sitting too-close together on the couch, watching movies, ignoring movies in favor of watching each other. It’s a damn shame. 

“I’m gonna close my eyes,” Dani tells her. “I’m gonna close my eyes, and… and you can just do whatever you want with that information.” 

And she shuts her eyes. The darkness is comfortable, blue-black nothingness where stars were a second ago. Xi’an’s hand is still warm in hers. And Dani feels Xi’an stirring, movement on the blanket, hair tickling her cheek. She feels warm lips press against her own, soft, somehow familiar even though they’ve never done this before. 

It doesn’t change anything, but somehow everything changes.

#fanfiction #dani/xi'an #dani moonstar #xi'an coy manh #xmen #x force #new mutants

[halfthebattle]

Why I was gone for 3 months

Hello!

First of all, Happy New Year!! Allow me to begin this blog post by welcoming my new readers. Here’s a hug for all of youuuu. >:D< I am in shock that I still gain followers despite being inactive for the last couple of months. Nevertheless, I am deeply grateful and appreciative for the messages I’ve been receiving from both of my old and new readers. Thank you all so much for the concern. I know my last post was very alarming. It was wrong of me to leave you guys hanging without any explanation. But here I am. I hope you are ready for another life update from me and I also hope that you forgive me for not replying. I promise that I’ll reply, please just give me some more time. I rarely open my Tumblr app, and if I do, I just want to stay quiet for a while.

You see, I just couldn’t bring myself to blog for the last three to four months even though I really wanted to. I guess I was waiting for all the frustrations, anger, and pain to subside a little bit before I could share what happened. When I first started my Tumblog, I wanted it to be platform for my mental condition – you know, how I break down occasionally, how I have depressive and manic episodes so that others will be aware of the life that people who are mentally ill are experiencing. I didn’t want to share too much about anything from my personal life – family life and love life (haha!). But right now, I feel like I need to share some so that you would know why I was gone for months.

I was busy healing, and I am still busy healing now. I just got out of an almost 5-year relationship with my first love last October 27, 2018. I want to share the reason why we broke up, but I don’t want my first ever blog post about him to be so negative so that you guys won’t have an ugly or bad impression on him. For him, the reason of the break-up is “just a big misunderstanding”, but to me, it was so much more than that. After a week or two, I still fought for the relationship, but I guess he just saw how stubborn and hard-headed I was for begging him to talk things out with me. I admit that this is not the first break-up that the two of us had, but damn, if I knew it would be this serious and difficult this time, I would’ve prevented the small break-ups from the past. Kasi sa totoo lang, sisiw lang pala ‘yung mga ‘yun. I think I was so foolish before to say, “Pagod na ako. Ayoko na.” kasi kung tutuusin, looking back ha, mas kaya ko pa pala ‘yung mga ‘yun kaysa sa ngayon. Noon na sinabi kong pagod na ‘ko, na hindi ko na kaya, parang gusto kong i-take back lahat, kasi walang wala pala ‘yung mga ‘yun kumpara sa ngayon. Gusto kong ibalik yung oras para sabihin na, “Hindi, kaya ko pa. Kaya pa natin ‘to eh. Tara, ayusin natin ‘to. Pagsubok lang ‘to.” Pero ayun, tama nga ang sabi nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

I couldn’t say that I have no one to blame but me, because in my perspective, he was the one who made the wrong choice or wrong move that led us to the break-up – I was only one of the factors that influenced his choice. I guess it’s safe to say that we both screwed and messed up so bad that we were left with no other choice but to end the relationship. We were already toxic to each other, and we weren’t growing anymore. Maybe, right now, we need some time and space away from each other so that we would be able to find ourselves and be whole again. We need to heal. We need to grow apart so that if ever there will come a time when we’ll get back with each other, we’ve already become matured enough for a serious, committed, loving and responsible relationship.

It took us a lot of twists and turns and hurtful failures to make me realize that I’m still not ready to be in a relationship because I, alone, don’t even know how to love myself. But what bothers me about it is that, even before we became a couple, I already warned him that I am not whole, that I am broken, that I do not like myself and when we were already a couple, he told me that he’d love me enough for the both of us, and that love is still aside from the love he alone has for me. Kumbaga, siya ang magpupunan ng kulang na pagmamahal ko para sa sarili ko at dagdag pa roon yung pagmamahal na mayroon siya para sa akin. We were both young and I believed him back then. But it was wrong. I shouldn’t have relied on to his words. I shouldn’t have relied on to him for a love that I cannot give myself. I shouldn’t have ‘obligated’ him or ‘made him responsible’ for the love that I owe to myself.

Another thing that hurts me is that after the break-up, I felt like I was hard to love, na walang tatagal na relationship sa akin kasi mentally ill ako. It pains me to see myself as someone who’s hard to be with that the thought of it made me want to ready myself for growing old alone. You know, tatandang dalaga. Haha.

After the break-up, I did all sorts of things to distract myself and while I know that blogging must be one of those things, I felt like it would only make me remember about what happened. Don’t get me wrong – I want to write about him because it helps but being finally able to write about him in a long post like this gives me all sorts of emotion that I didn’t want to add up to what I’ve already been feeling.

Last November 03, 2018, it was his first birthday in years that I didn’t get to celebrate with him. I wanted to surprise him, because I’m that type of girl – full of ideas and surprises, but I grew weak already. I thought, “What for?”. That’s why I only wrote him a letter instead. A long one. A twelve-page letter to be specific. I poured my heart out to it, but I feel like there’s so much more to tell him.

We still see each other at church and there was this one time before the year ended that his family invited me over dinner because his mom went home from Saudi. I joined them for dinner, but we were not talking to each other the whole time. His family felt like my second home, but damn, that night, my heart was breaking. Napamahal na ako sa pamilya niya at tinuring ko ng mga kapatid ko mga kapatid niya kaya ang hirap.

This year’s New Year celebration was also the first time in years that we are not together anymore. I can still remember that we’d always send each other long and sweet messages during New Year, but while waiting for 2019, I told myself that I won’t greet him anymore because it’s better off to not include him in the year I’m about to face. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “Ako naman.” But on 12:26 A.M. of January 01, he texted me, “Happy New Year po..”, to which I replied 20 minutes after, “Happy New Year din po.” He responded, “Salamat po.” And that was it.

Like I said, we still see each other at church every week so I got used already to the pain of seeing him from time to time. I can still remember that there were times when I felt nothing but anger, and there were times when I completely felt nothing. As in zero nothing. I became numb.

But right now, I can honestly say that I am proud that I overcame those moments. Knowing myself, I am not strong when it comes to the both of us. He’s like my strength and weakness combined into one. If I were Superman, he’d be my kryptonite. We would always see each other every day no matter how busy we were, and we’d go to church for our devotional prayer every night. During fights, I couldn’t heighten my pride for him, and I couldn’t stand not talking to him and bugging him because I loved him so dearly, so much. That’s why the pain is that strong on me, because the love I have for him is that immense. I can honestly say that this is the longest break-up I’ve survived. It was not easy. It is never easy. Pero kinakaya ko naman. At kakayanin ko pa.

Aside from the break-up, I’ve been busy with school work. This is my last semester in college and I’m hoping to graduate this March. I have a lot on my plate because we have our Strategic Financial Plan which is basically our thesis. Hindi siya ganun kadali kasi real company ang involved dito at gagawan namin sila ng 5-year financial plan based sa mga inputs na binigay nila sa amin, mainly their financial statements from 2013 to 2017.

Busy rin ako kakagala. Share ko lang: After the break-up, saka lang ako natuto mag-inom o ‘maglasing’. Oo, late bloomer na ako, pero nadiscover ko na hindi pala ako ‘yung tipo na kapag nalasing eh umiiyak. Ako yung tipo na lasing na matapang, yung walang nararamdaman, pero ako rin yung tipo na nag-eEnglish o nagiging conyo. Hahaha! Ayun, maraming ganap nung naghiwalay kami. In-enjoy ko sarili ko. I’ve also been busy taking care of myself because I believe that I owe me an apology. May mga times na sobrang sinisisi ko pa rin talaga sarili ko more than I blame my ex (it took me weeks or even a month before masanay na tawagin na siyang “ex” because I was like, “OMG, for real na ba ‘to?!” Haha). I’ve been doing all that I can so that I wouldn’t self-harm or fall into a bottomless pit of despair.

Hindi ko ma-enumerate lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. Ang alam ko lang, I’m still busy healing.

Ikaw? Kumusta ka na? Tara, kwentuhan tayo. 😊

#deardiary #personal #life #life update #depressed #depression #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #school #college #lovelife #haha

[xllxxrbxg]

bro quick, reply. she's almost done making a 13-page single-spaced case analysis about you

good morning! i decided i shall make a brief surface-level case analysis of you guessedt it right -- quarloe! <33 so here's the thing, right. we shouldn't get all over the place. so let's start with his family background, of what we know- of course. Quarloe lives in a household wherein a functional family is evidently present. Scenarios that prove this are: 1) healthy family bond - he hangs out with his mom dad like they watch TV and stuff togETHER! CAN YOU BELIEVE SUCH THINGS EXISSSTT LMFAO. Also he reports that he is both close to his mom and dad. and even tho they are old, i think failry enough they still make time for karlo their youngest childt. I only experienced that when I was like 7 we were watching natgeo documentaries but now his parents are like 60+ yrs old, still together, making dough SO SO MUCH DOUGH, spending enough time with their children. ALL THAT he has all that. so that's honestly good. for him it will really solidify his character over all i think and it will really be a good foundation for him in the familial light. Plus, it makes him a potentially LESSER PROBLAMATIC PERSON unlike ng isa jan lol jk love u self! anw ayon nga so diba ayon don na tayo sa healthy family nya. Kasi they have all their needs, and he has all the resources he could use. From physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self actualization he has all of those readily and easily available for him. Man it must be so masarap sa feeling uuwi ka and you have all that. You dont have much to worry about <333 Good for him. Which leads to my second point 2) an individually healthy lifestyle. since he has all the lower tiers of maslow's hierarchy of needs, he can then proceed to <3 self-actualization <3 wHICH EVIDENTLY IS BEING DONE BY MY Babe go babe galeng. motherfucker has a bike worth 130k ewan ko nalang kung di ka sipagin mag cycle. anw ayon namaterialize nya naman mga resources nya which is nice. and I can see he takes care of his prized-possessions well. most of the time he is cleaning his bike OR his cleats. damn shawty. Plus im seeing self love and self care on this. He bikes bec he wanted to balance out his upper and lower bod DAMN SHAWTY YO I AINT KIDDING WHEN HE HAS A HOT ASS BOD BROOOO he's almost six pack ;-; CAN I PLS touch char. i aint kidding... he's tbh hot. on first glance tbh he aint. like i wouldnt get the impression or what. but if you look closely he's honestly a gem so idk why nobody was with him alr. bat wala syang jowa why nasa bumble. anyways another observation i have abt him is that 3) he is so defensive of his past. he mustve done something idk i shouldnt judge him for anything majorly in the past bec i am not in the past i am here in the present <333 with him. so i must stay there and not leave or wander or else we done. anyways idk what it is but i hope he finds peace in that and let it rest. theres something bothering him. and its a sensitive topic na im not sure im capable of talking about today. maybe if sobrang sama ng loob ko magrant ako dito about dun pero for now i'll let it slip thru my fingers for peace. i think yan na muna for now <3 third consecutive entry letsgo THANK YOU LORD I AM GETTING BETTER EMOTIONALLY LOVE YOU PO!!! <33

[sweetescapeastrid]

August 22, 2021

Just when I thought I can handle my stress, I am having a mental breakdown again. Not sure if it is considered as a mental breakdown or I'm just exaggerating stuff. I've been in denial of my mental state just because I grew up in an environment where mental health is not a priority and it's just an exaggeration for them. So I am not sure if my feelings are valid and I always have doubts.

Mama Pesing and I got into an argument yesterday. She was so mad at me because of the house renovation. The house got flood two nights ago because of the poor construction of the first worker. And also Tito Paul's messed up perspective. Both factors did a great impact that's why the flood was terrible that night. I was so annoyed and disappointed on how can they be dumb and not do the right thing. This is why I don't also trust Tito Paul in doing these kind of stuff even though madalas sya magmarunong. Si Mama Pesing din sobrang mangialam. Kulang na lang sya na din ang mag construction.

It's so hard to make a renovation because both of them always have something to say even they are not the ones paying for it. Which pisses me off big time! They're giving their own opinions which are opposites most of the time. And I don't trust them when it comes to renovations!

Mama Pesing is old. I get it. But damn, she's so mad at me for the renovation? If it's her favorite nephew and nieces, she won't say a thing for sure!! She'll tell me that I always contradict her but in reality I think it is her who's contradicting me. Just because I am not her favorite!

I shouldn't have continued that renovation on the first place. I knew this is gonna happen. This is not even my house. I promise to my self, this is the last thing I will renovate. I won't spend any dime to renovate this goddamn house anymore!

I just want this house to be better. Is it that hard? It's not just for my own good! And they're the ones mad at me? For doing this shit? Really? Tama nga. I should've invest and save for myself.

Having this instance, I feel like I am never enough. Even though I want the best for this fucking family, I will never be enough. And THEY WILL NEVER BE THANKFUL.

I am the one almost spending so much on this household. I pay our bills and I am the one buying groceries. And this is what I get? Not a single fucking appreciation! Not even a single support!

I spent all of my money for this goddamn family and this is still what I get? Okay? This is the sign to STOP.

Sad to be in the environment where my own family is the one who are causing me stress. I feel like it's best for me to go somewhere and live alone. Or even just end my life?

No one's gonna be affected anyways! I am not enough, not the favorite, not appreciated, not loved and not the priority.

I don't know. Suicide is passing through my mind ever since I got so stressed. I hate to do it because Mommy Lai, Mama Tin, and Inay Fely fought for their lives. But I'm gonna throw my life away? I told myself not to do it. But it just becomes heavy day after day.

I feel like I'm stuck and not moving forward. I am achieving things but I am not genuinely happy.

Is this stress? Mental breakdowns? Or I am just overreacting?

Today, I don't feel like doing anything. I want to cry but I'm still holding back. I have heavy breathing.

I'm so tired of this.

[purokafeelings]

Alam mo, less than 4 years ago, sinulat mo yung huling entry dito, with a Paulo Avelino reference dahil hung up ka pa sa movie nila ni Maja Salvador na I’m Drunk I Love You--which you think at the moment ay ang movie mo kung gagawin mang pelikula. LOL, sis, alam mo ba chika ko lang din na kakanood mo lang no’n twice last month, at umiiyak ka pa rin kklk ka (eyyy JP Habac the best <3)

and BTW, ipangungutang mo pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. Sa totoo, no’ng isang gabi, nagmaneho ka papunta ng Katipunan ng alas dose ng madaling araw galing sa catch-up dinner at spontaneous sb day with klarenz.

Yes, ito yung panahon sa buhay na 1 month pa lang kayo pareho sa trabaho. Sabay na season kayong natanggap sa magkalaban at magkakamping unibersidad na nakatayo sa katipunan. Mas madalas kayong nagkikita ngayon than ever for the last....6 years.

Tanga ba ako? 

Ilang beses kong tinanong yung sarili ko, well, ilang beses kong tinanong tayo. Tanga ka ba? Bakit mo’to ginagawa? Paano yung pride? Yung effort na magwithdraw? Di ba all set na tayo, pa-move on? 

Nagalit ka sa kaniya no’ng Huwebes. Nagyaya kang kumain sa Silantro sa UP Town Center ng Biyernes pagkatapos mong kumuha ng office laptop sa Ateneo. Sabi niya, “sama ako sa inyo! kailangan kong magtrabaho.” Tapos sabi mo, “gusto ko ng lugaw!”

“kain tayo sa weekend”, sabi niya.

Tapos biglang nagcancel ang hampaslupa. Darating daw yung ate niya. SIIIIS, inis na inis ka, to the point na sabi mo “wag na lang din tayong magkita”

ya gihrle... HAHA. U mad.

To strengthen your decision, niyaya mo si jed na sumama sa’yo. Kumain kayo nina Dianne sa SM. It tuuurned out to be a real nice day--except u spent most of it waiting for a damn message saying “san ka na? di tayo tuloy?”

but he never messaged, and it made you sad

U cried--and cried--and cried when u went home. Yes, umiiyak ka pa rin dahil sa kaniya. For the record u had break years naman sa feelings mo and thought u were really over but damn sis when u have relapses, u have them bAD

Speaking of which, pagkakita mo sa menu ng starbucks, 11:08, nagmessage ka sa kaniya, asking “anong ginagawa mo? gising ka ba?”

then he replied, “alam mo, dapat bibili ako ng soju at yakult, pero bumili na lang ako ng cali...weak haha”

“gusto mo ba ng kape?”

“seryoso ka ba?”

“andiyan na ako in 2 hrs, kaya mo ba maghintay?”

“keri lang”

Andon ka. 1:06am. Damn sisz.

It was a wild weekend. U got sick the next day. Told him, and then he said, tuloy na lang namin yung lugaw. So...he also went to your house...to cook lugaw. And tambay, perhaps.

Ang effort, yes. Ang nice, yes. Ang touching, yes.

Kinilig ka ba?  No.

In denial ka ba?

The answer is also yes.

Nanood kayo ng movie pagkatapos. Rosamund Pike--I care a lot.

Tapos umuwi na rin siya.

“Tanga ka ba?”

Tinanong mo na naman yung sarili mo.

Just like no’ng malapit ka nang antukin habang nagmamaneho ka papunta sa kaniya galing sjdm-nlex-sjdm, “THIS IS 25. THIS IS THE TIME TO MAKE THESE MISTAKES. GUSTO KO SIYANG MAKITA, PUPUNTAHAN KO SIYA”

Tanga ka nga.

No’ng Biyernes habang pauwi kayo ni jed galing katipunan, nagtatanong siya ng mga senseless questions tungkol sa kung mag-aasawa ka ngayon, na walang restrictions, kahit imaginary, artista, kasal na, sinong gusto mong pakasalan?

Gusto ko ba ng mayaman? Naisip ko si Jeff Bezos, o si Elon Musk.

Gusto ko ba ng matalino? Naisip ko si Chiz Escudero, o si Vico Sotto.

Gusto ko ba ng pogi? Naisip ko pa rin si Vico Sotto. haha.

Pero walang tamang sagot. Funny, how none of these things mattered. Kasi noong inisip ko siya, sa kaniya lang naging oo ang sagot ko.

Tanga ka talaga.

Pero at least alam mo. HAHA. At least alam mo yung ginagawa mo. Minsan, iniisip ko, ano kayang lagay mo diyan? hahaha. Ako magdedesisyon no’n di ba? For the record ulit, dumating ka sa punto na gusto mo na siyang ligawan. Sige ikaw na lang, oo sigurado ka na talaga.

Pero ulit, naisip mo na’to e. Makasarili ka lang. Palagay mo lang wala nang better sa kaniya na darating. Tamad ka lang kumilala ng ibang tao. Takot ka lang, kasi siya na yung nandiyan. Masyado ka nang tumaya sa kaniya kaya mo binibilot ang lahat ng alinlangan saka binibilog at binabalot sa ilusyon nang pagpupursige at kasiguraduhan.

Umaasa ka pa rin, na kapag hindi ka umalis, kapag nagbigay ka ng mas marami, pag ginalingan mo, pag pumayat ka, pag nagbago ka, magugustuhan ka rin niya, magiging okay din lahat.

Pero hindi ba mas masakit isipin na kailangan mong gawin lahat nang to para mahalin niya pero wala naman siyang ginawa sa lahat nang yan para mahalin mo siya ng ganyan?

Teka, sakit ba yung tamang salita. 

Sige i’d change it to unfair.

Hindi ba unfair? Well, matagal mo nang alam na unfair. And you don’t mind...at least yet. Kasi these whole set up makes you happy at some point, like a foOL. Feeling mo nakamura ka sa LV bag pero LW pala yung nabili mo. ???

Unfair, Bea. Walang pero. Wala nang weighing ng pros and cons. Sa buong span na minahal mo siya, masasabi nating minahal ka rin niya, like mahal ka rin niya and possibly, naguguluhan din siya pero tandaan mo, na kung ano yung hindi niya sinasabi, kung anuman yon, kahit ano pa yon, kapag hindi sinabi, hindi mo na kailangang isipin. HAHA.

Ang kailangan mong isipin ay: 

1) kung anong meron ka which are:

feelings para sa kaniya

friendship (yay?)

2) and decide what to do with it which are:

tigilan

tumuloy

sunugin

Anyway, you found your song:

Makalimutin- kamara

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJeUAYMcWqw

[wordsidneversaytoyou]

realisation

It was the fact that the amount of times I doubted my relationship with runa just because I was concerned of you and your jealousy of him led me to think that maybe I should just end it with him because that's how much I valued you and our friendship. Kasi sino ba naman sya when I have known you for how many years in comparison to the months that we have just known each other right? I was willing to let that all go and had always thought of you. Questioning what was really wrong and why you couldn’t be happy for me. It broke my heart when recently I have talked to runa and he expressed how difficult it was for him to understand me when I cannot choose him over you because he knew how torn I was between you two but he still chose to understand me because he knew you were my bestfriend and I would always choose you over him no matter what and you were just protective of me. - let me just insert this because i think this applies to you right now with ethan. The moment runa knew i had problems between you and him he immediately took actions and approached you. I didn't even have to ask him or tell him what to do, he just did it at his own will because he knew damn well, if actions were not taken he could have lost me or i would have lost my bestfriend. Maybe ethan should've done the same if he really thought about you. I am not saying he is not thinking of you but isn't that a little bit selfish? he knows how much this is already killing you yet he even stretches it til end of the year? is he really allowing you to go through all of this? for what reasons? I just don't understand. Staying silent does not even help at all.

And then you told me perhaps you didn't like runa because you thought you were gonna lose me. In truth I was offended, it felt like all my efforts weren’t even appreciated, I asked so many times asa man ko nagkulang mil? I dont understand how you can’t trust me and always think na makalimtan ra tika just because I have someone else? I don’t know where all of it are coming from? Did you really think nin ana ko ka shallow na amiga mirl na once naa nakoy mauyab or unsa ba makalimut rako nimo?

Remembering the sakuragi incident, I thought it made us stronger and then ethan came along. This time I’m not even hurt about it anymore, I am actually grateful, I told you once is a mistake and it’s enough for a wise man, but twice, I’m pretty sure that’s a choice already, and to show me that twice now, I now know where I stand in you, and the fear that you always had with me na I’ll choose a guy over you, that’s exactly what you made me feel towards you mirl. What’s worse is that I never seen it coming, I never even thought you’d ever do it to me pero you did it not just once but twice. I am not mad honestly mirl if anything, I am grateful and I am always thankful for everything, because at least now I know where I truly stand. You don’t have to feel bad, I am just saying katong tanan na times you got scared because you’d lose me, I hope you know, I always chose you, but your lack of trust in me and in our friendship mao na ang nakawala sa akoa especially when i see na dali raman diay kaayo ka makachoose ug lalake over me. Again, I am not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, if that's really what you want go ahead I will not stop you. I just really don’t know how you did it, but sabi nga nila choose people who choose you and I dont think that just applies to romantic partners, I think it also very much applies to friendship as well. I think choosing other guys over me for twice now already says a lot about where I stand in you mirl and I don't hold grudge or anything. Honestly i don't care anymore and I don't take it against you. Pero you can't blame me for feeling as if you never even thought about how i would feel. So for all its worth, I am grateful na din you were a blessing in disguise to me you kept me away from sakuragi and even to ethan perhaps even to runa so thank you. I am fine. And I hope you are too.

That’s probably why I am so affected with ethan kasi you chose that over me, and i see na wala juy ayo sometimes iyang g pangbuhat, I hope he will be there for you in every ups and downs of your life because I cannot promise to be there anymore not after all of this. When I see you truly be happy, sapat na na at least I can say to myself yea you were right in choosing him over me. And It was all worth it all along. He knows how much this is killing you yet he even stretches it out til end of year what the actual heck. He better do it by then or my respect is so out in the trash right now. You telling me you're fighting for this guy, there is nothing wrong with that but i hope you realise that he is the one putting you in battles you shouldn't even fight.

One thing I ask of you, please promise me na you won’t ever let this guy break you whatever happens. I can’t fully say na ma ok ta tanan after ani because this some whirlwind. Pero I know that I will still care for you. If we can all get pass this, and I’ll get over this too, know that I will still be here for you. I am sorry as well if im taking it personally na but i really do hope you understand everything that you are doing here. So please dont break your heart. I still love you but damn this is making me mad. Don’t ever wear you heart on your sleeves, if he is not willing to do as much as you can for him.

I hope you have a merry christmas and God bless you always.

[bobbieyay]

For the past two years after being a two-decade old guy.

I thought I had it solved already.

That I had surpassed it.

When my resolve of moving on was quite enough to go onto the next phase. It wasn't. Deep in my heart, it's digging. The times of neglecting it were useless.

Thinking, I had obliterated the pierce inside my heart.

I had my first job during my fourth year in college as call center agent. It was exhausting. Never thought of being one. I never excelled, just a go with a flow guy, who seemed couldn't get along well with the system. Two months later, I was transferred to another account because of the company problem, but at the back of my mind, i was chosen to be transferred because i wasn't needed; I was incompetent. During that days, I was so tired; doing school and work duties at the same time wasn't really an ideal. Weeks and months have passed, I was still struggling on that field. During my first day of call handling on that account, we were called by the supervisor. "Those who have absences shall be terminated." Of course, I had two on my end. And unfortunately, I was one of them. I got terminated. And I was okay. I even laughed at it. I was unemployed during the first month of my last semester in college. I was fine. It was nothing to think about.

Third month of the year, my very own Lola passed away. I haven't seen her for almost five years, and on that five years, I only heard her voice once. And it was choppy. My lola died; and I wasn't there. She didn't wait for me. She left without saying a word to me. She left without seeing me for the last time. She left me so sudden. I was on the verge of giving up things; thesis, studies, life and whatnot. I went home, and inside the plane; I was whining. Sobbing into tears. "Lola, why you didn't wait for me, how can you be like this to me." When I arrived, I cried so loud, thinking of my lola would hear me enough for her to wake up. Then my mama whispered: "Please anak, stop crying, I'm still here." Then she almost fainted. I stopped. Yet, the feeling that I felt was overwhelming. I wasn't able to even kiss my lola in the end.

On that time, I was doing my production thesis alone. Since I thought I could make it. My interviews were cancelled. I don't know how I managed to finish the paper and the other stuff. Maybe it was a way of somewhat called miracle. The final defense came, and I knew, the panel wasn't satisfied. To be frank, I was not satisfied with the presentation I presented. Time had passed and my paper was nominated for "Best Thesis" then somehow the result leaked. So I got it! I was one of them who got the title. Honestly, I can't say it loud enough to be proud of what I have done. Of course I was disappointed. I made it out of pity, since for the least, my paper wasn't deserving of the title.

On the day of the recognition, I went to my tita's house to meet my parents who came all the way from Davao to attend my graduation. Mama hugged me. She kissed me. And able to say these painful words I ever heard "Sorry nak ni kusing wala koy nahatag nimo nga nagskwela kag college." It hurts me knowing that they're in pain. Pain that I can't erase. Of how they think of theirselves as nothing. I made it where I am because of them. Surviving while struggling. And it's fine. They molded me as how I should be.

It's graduation day. Seeing those people who went to stage to get their awards made me envious of them. Remembering the day that I promised my sister that I'll get a latin award. Funny, how could I even dream of something way bigger. It somehow just didn't fit well to me. I could still think of how our professor in Advertising declined our video ad because it wasn't good at all, it's even far from good. I still think of our papers that were rejected in our PR class in finals of our third year in college. Getting low marks in other subjects makes me used to it as well. Hence, I was just wasting my endless sleepless nights, tears and the dream of becoming a better one in a full four damn year.

It's been a year since I landed on my second job as part of the marketing team. I enjoyed my stay there. I get to know people who are very healthy to me. I was lucky enough to got the job. But of course, sometimes, things that are good upfront doesn't end well. I almost stayed there for six months. There were frustrations of growing which is good, taking things seriously since it was a real world to face. As how I thought of becoming stable in that company is the same as how it drastically drag me out from it. We we're not compensated on time which I did really need money and so many things happened that we cannot control; so, we marketing team decided to resign as a team due to poor flow of system in the company. And that makes me resigned from my second job on the same month i was terminated from my first job. What a coincidence!

So as I am walking unemployed again, I lost chances, opportunities, dreams that were formed, money, sometimes will and some were people. Yes, I lost people who are very dear to me. People whom I knew and accepted of who they were and what they were. People I thought of walking with towards the future. Actually, there's this one being who's very important to me. He was a bestfriend. He was my first truest guy friend in college. Since I rarely have guy friends because of their misinterpretation to me. I don't know. It just made me sad of why we separated our ways when we could have gone together along with our other best friends achieving what's in front of us. Without reason, I was snub. I was ousted by my best friend. Ow god, how I missed him walking towards me crying.

Of course, there I walk in a lonely road.

Empty streets with an empty will inside my head.

Oh simple dreams and things, where have you gone.

I don't dream. I just walk, trying to somehow catch my shadow's shadow. Impossible! Yes it's just impossible. It's late and dark. I walk alone and will always walk alone in a street where dreams obfuscate. Broken; piece by piece can't just be fixed. I lost faith, yet I gained despair. For the very least, I gained something, a someone; A guy who can't cry and who has no dreams.

Now, on my twenty-second year...

I thought I already moved on.

That it's fine that I got terminated.

That my lola left this world already.

That it was okay to have the title out of pity.

That I broke the promise I made.

That, I thought I could share the heavy feelings of my loved ones. But I didn't. I am feeling lighter than they are.

That it's okay to be unemployed again and just look for another job.

That, it's fine to be a burden to others.

That it's okay to lose a friend.

But it's not. It's raging inside.

Well, maybe, I am just wasting time, chasing this decimated life of mine.

Happy Birthday!

[ilongrangerfiona]

In the past 3 years I was always blinded of how HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP “truly” works.. I thought that the most important thing is just “love”. But, yes its truewithout itthere’s no me and you. But then you have taught me so much by the time you asked me to let you go. It cuts deep inside my bones to let someone you truly love go. But nothing cuts deeper than seeing the one you love suffering and unhappy being with you. So I agreed and decided to let go and let God. :)

Tomorrow, it will be the first week that we are officially not together. The thought of not having you still hurts me but I also understand why we are doing this. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want us to hurt each other, I don’t want us to be toxic to each other, I don’t want us to end up not having each other in the end and I don’t want you to marry someone who gives so much burden in your life. I am still in the process of learning how love truly works. Now that I am always alone and the thought of not being your girlfriend anymore helps me to be more open to things.. to simple things. To life.. that life is short and we should live it with no regrets and better understanding. 

I have learned that falling in love with someone is very easy yet, I never knew that STAYING IN LOVE will never be easy. Syempre, first bf gud tika! Feeler sad ka diha! Hehe. I learned within this almost a week of not being your gf many things...

1) I don’t own my boyfriend - I forgot that you are a human being and you also need to be with other people. That I must not control where you will go, what do you want to do and what you want to do with your life. I must understand that you also want to explore and meet other people for you to grow and understand life better. I must also understand that you also have your social needs and wants. I must understand that life is short and I must let you enjoy what life is giving you.

2) I must take care of your feelings - Since we broke up I started to feel so sensitive of how the people around me feel towards me. I must always consider your feelings whenever you are tired, unhappy, jealous, sad, lonely, hurt, etc. 

3) I must LOVE MYSELF and CUT ALL INSECURITIES - I must love thyself for me to give love to you more. I must not be insecure/jealous to your girl friends instead I must be friends with them too. I must not overthink if you are with your circle of friends because I know you will never do anything that would hurt me. 

4) I MUST GIVE YOU ALL MY TRUST - This is what I failed to fully gave to you since the time you’ve done wrong to me. I just want you to know that it wasn’t easy too in my side. To the point you asked me to get an HIV test?! How does that make you feel if you were on my side?! I don’t even think you can survive how fucked up the situation was. Right? Asking your gf to accompany you to get an HIV test when she doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on? But then... I forgave you because I know you have proven things to me and I know you won’t do it again kay giatay! HADLOK KAAYO IMONG KAKIAT SA EPEKTO SA HIV ADTONG NAG SEARCH2 TA. HAHAHA. Makatagam noh? :D pero duhh, that was in the past. 101% forgiven na tika ato. I just get some feelings labina tung nag sugod na ang COVID, nga wala naka naka-off. I know you had some feelings with that Angela. Lets face the truth, you wont delete anything ug wala lang. You wont hide it from me ug wala lang. You wont get that fucking mad ug wala lang. Don’t blame the things that I’ve done to you sa situation.. You know it right nga we started being shakey when I accidentally found out her name. Don;t deny to yourself nga wala lang ang pagdownload nimo ug WhatsApp sa imong phone. For God’s sake! Tanga lang ko pero di ko bugo. Hahaha. Pero that was in the past. I HAVE TRULY FORGIVEN YOU FOR EVERYTHING. I am not holding any grudges nor staying angry to you because it will not give any good to me and in fact, I LOVE YOU THIS FUCKING MUCH. Why the fuck would I not forgive you? I must now learn to give all my trust so that you will learn to give me assurances and security to the people you get contact with (para di na ko mag overthink. arun happy natang duha)

5) I MUST FORGIVE AND “FORGET” - Before, I may have forgiven you but I admit it!!! Sometimes I still think of all the fucking things you have done. But you know, I learned so much.. Kay ug mu forgive ka, dapat willing jud ka muforget. It must come together. COME TOGETHER jud na sila. Mao karun?! FORGIVE AND FORGET na nako tanan. Arun happy lang jud. :) I must not repeat all the things that we have conflicts instead we should talk about what we are arguing about and solve it calmly and maturely together. :”>

6) I MUST NOT GET MAD AT YOU WITHOUT ANY FUCKING VALID REASON - Mao jud ni! Mao jud ni maingnan ko ug “LAMIA JUD NIMO PATYON UYABA KA OY” damn! How toxic that line was?? I must learn to control my anger and to be calm always so that you wont bring out the dragon in you. BWAHAHA! Just the yummy balls (I LIKE :P) and whenever I am a little mad at you, I will always tell you that “Langga, nasuko biya ko nimo kay___” so that you will know that I am mad and so that we can sort out things calmly. 

7) I MUST ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SMALL/BIG EFFORTS “ALWAYS” - I admit it too!!! In the past I was really sooo immature because I always say.. “langga, mao ra diay tu? langga, di nata magkita? langga love ko nimo? langga, love PA ko nimo?” PISTE! hahahaha. Bisan obvious na kaayo tanan nimo actions, putang ina self! Pwede thank you nalang kaha always ako iingon instead kana tanan?? Buang jud ko oi. Sakto jud ka langga, naa koy sayad sa utok. Hahaha. I must always appreciate ALL the things you do to make you happy because whenever you are happy, I am happy too. :”> 

8) I MUST NEVER DOUBT YOU DURING WORK AND WERE NOT TOGETHER - Grabi yawaaa ka toxic ba diay nako?!URRRG! Murag lagot na nuon ko sako self dah. Pero no no no. I love myself and I know I have changed :”) I must not overrrrthinkkkkkkkkkk. I must do everything I can to be positive and positive and positive and happy and happy and happy whenever were NOT together. 

9) WE MUST IN MIND THAT WE SHOULD ALWAYS ENJOY OURSELVES WHENEVER WERE TOGETHER OR NOT TOGETHER - One thing I also missed feeling is to enjoy life if were not together. I must always learn to be happy and enjoy other people’s company to grow more. I must also remember that I am not the ONLY person in your life and that you also have friends and family to be with and enjoy their company too. :”> as long as we both know our limitations .. then, everything will be totally super fine! Hihihi. 

10) I PROMISE I WILL EXPRESS MYSELF IN A VERY CALM AND RESPECTFUL WAY TO YOU - I may not be so on point in our arguments before but today, as much as possible I will prove and act as to what I am saying and promising to you. I will not give you any stress wherever you will go and whatever you will do. 

I know these are just some of the things that I realized and I am looking forward for more learning especially if we will be together soon. :”) truly, I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Whenever I call God in my prayers I always beg to Him for you to forgive me and give me another chance to prove the things I want to prove to you. Though it might be a little late, I still hope you will accept and forgive me with all your heart. Even if you will have conditions or standards that I will follow, I will do anything to have you back. It’s my time to pay all the wrong habits that I have given to you. I just hope you will forgive me and trust in me that I am not the toxic Regine like before. I hope you will still be willing to be with me my langga. :”) 

#ILOVEYOUVERYMUCHMYJANDAL 

#1

[millefleurconfessions]

Down the Drain

one act play by moi

Characters:

Mia: long hair, chinky eyes, fair-skinned

Eli: tall, deep eyes, tan-skinned

Setting:

In a waiting shed in the middle of nowhere. Night time.

 Eli muttered a curse as his car stopped. He went out, threw his hands in the air and sighed in frustration. His eyes caught a girl in a waiting shed, who was staring blankly at the air with tears slipping down on her cheeks. He went and sat beside her.

Mia: (sniffs) Bad day, huh?

Eli: (looks away) Yeah, you could say that. How about you?

Mia: (laughs mockingly, and cries quietly) Yeah, you could say that, too. I got dumped.

Eli: Well, the universe must hate us today.

Mia: Why the blame the universe? Really, why find other things to blame when it’s just right there in front of you?

Eli: …

Mia: I had so much love and fight left in me. Isn’t it supposed to be my choice if I want to stay longer than he wanted me to?

Eli: (shrugs) Well, maybe he just thinks you deserve better?

Mia: (looks at Eli angrily) Putcha, I do deserve better! I could’ve left, and moved on but did I? No! Because I chose to stay, because I loved him! (closes eyes and sighs) Ewan ko. Minsan, I think.. I think I deserve better. Pero kasi, when you love someone, you accept everything, ‘di ba? Even if things aren’t enough, or if they’re too much… When you love someone, you accept the good and the bad…

Eli: You can’t possibly love someone that much even after they’ve shattered you… That’s…wrong. Maybe what you felt wasn’t love? Maybe you just felt responsible for the guy because you care for him. You should’ve left before he kicked you to the curb. You really do deserve better.

Mia: (smiles sadly) I do. But if… if you could love someone, and keep loving them, even if they’ve hurt you so much, then what I felt must be love. It felt too real to be anything else.

Eli: Alam mo naman pala kung ano yung love, bakit dun ka pa rin sa kanya? Hindi ba dapat doon ka sa katapat mo?

Mia: (shrugs) Mahal ko, eh.

Eli: No… Look at yourself! You’re a wreck! And it’s all because of him! Forget about him, because there are so many other people in this world who could give you what you deserve!

Mia: (shivers from the cold air) It’s not that easy to forget, you know… And even if there are many other people in this world, only one person could make me as happy as I was, before.

Eli: (sighs) I don’t know what else to say. Why do you think he dumped you?

Mia: (starts to cry again) Ewan ko. Maybe I wasn’t enough? Maybe I loved him too much?

Eli: Maybe… he has a reason. Maybe, he thinks it’s for the better…

Mia: Bakit, Eli? Anong rason? Siguro naman may dahilan kung bakit ang dali mo akong iwan palagi? Kasi alam mong may babalikan ka? ‘Yun ba?

Eli: Mia…

Mia: (stands up) Don’t ‘Mia’ me, Eli! Putcha, ginawa ko naman lahat ha?! Saan pa ba ako nagkulang?

Eli: (faces Mia) Damn it, Mia! I tried, didn’t I? At least I did that!

Mia: You call that trying? Eli, apat na taon! Apat na taon na tayong ganito! Itutulak mo ako palayo, tapos pag susubukan kong kayanin na wala ka na sa’kin, babalik ka!

Eli: Then maybe, you shouldn’t have taken me back!

Mia: Anong ‘maybe’?! Eli, I really shouldn’t have! But I did! Because I thought this constant push and pull would go away and things would work out!

Eli: (sits back down, resigned) You said when you love someone, you accept them: the good and the bad, Mia. This is the bad. Do you accept it?

Mia: (sits beside Eli, and sighs) I do, Eli… But I think I know where this is heading.

Eli: Where?

Mia: Nowhere. Eli, this is the part where you ask me to take you back and I’ll say yes without hesitating, pero Eli… Pagod na yata ako.

Eli: (panics) What, Mia? No. Mia, you’re just hurt. Come back home with me, we’ll fix this, please.

Mia: I’m tired, Eli… For once, I want to do something for me… Do you know how tiring it is to be treated like a doormat? To be treated like you’re not enough? To be treated like you don’t matter?

Eli: Mia…

Mia: (smiles sadly) This time is different, Eli… Pagod na talaga ako… Masyado na akong nasaktan. Baka dapat ngayon sarili naman na muna?

Minutes pass and there is nothing but silence…

Eli: Mia… I’m sorry.

Mia: It’s okay, Eli… (lays head on Eli’s shoulder)

Eli: (starts to cry) No, it’s not, Mia. I’ve broken you down into pieces. I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve appreciated you more. I should’ve… damn it. I should’ve been the man that you deserve. God, Mia, I’ve ruined you. I’m so sorry.

Mia: No, Eli. I may be broken now, but I won’t stay broken. You’re right: one day I’ll fall in love again. Someone will come and fill up the spot you once took. Kasi, ganoon ka din dati, ‘di ba? I loved someone who shattered me, but when you came along, you erased every bit of pain that I had stored inside and you built me up again. You taught me that I can love again. And I will, Eli. We both will. Maybe not with each other, but we will.

Eli: Ang tanga ko, Mia. Now, I’m going to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me, just because I’ve been stupid.

Mia: (smiles) No, Eli. Baka nga hindi tayo ang para sa isa’t isa. When the right one comes along, you’ll know it. You move mountains, you change your life, and you do whatever it takes to keep them with you.

Eli: (sighs) What will I do without you, Mia? I’m so used to having you in my arms, even if I don’t show it often.

Mia: (holds Eli’s hands) Eli, you’re my second love. More important than the first, because you showed me I can love someone like I’m whole again even after being shattered. I promise you, Eli. You’ll always have me.

Eli: I’m gonna miss you, Mia…

Mia: I’m not going anywhere, Eli. But yeah, I’m gonna miss you too…

Eli: (hugs Mia tight) Let’s just stay like this, for a while. I’m going to miss this, too. I’ll take you home after…

Mia: Eli, you don’t have to…

Eli: Last na din naman, Mia. Susulitin ko na. Pagbigyan mo na lang ako.

Mia: Sige, sabi mo, eh. Can we get ice cream, too? Susulitin ko na din.

Eli: (smiles) Thank you, Mia. For everything.

Mia: (smiles) No, Eli. Thank you. Just… thank you.

Eli: (sighs) What flavour do you want this time?

Mia: (looks at Eli curiously) Huh?

Eli: ‘Yung ice cream… Anong flavour?

Mia: (laughs softly) You choose for me. Like our first date.

Eli: Yeah, so… Blueberry cheesecake?

Mia: (shocked) You remembered?

Eli: (rolls eyes playfully) Whatever, Mia. Funny how we started with that flavour, and ending it with that, too.

Mia: Patawa ka, ‘no? Tara na nga, I’m hungry!

Eli: (whispers) Lagi naman…

Mia: Anong sabi mo?!

Eli: Nothing. Let’s go? (takes Mia’s hand and runs to his car with her behind him)

                                                                       fin.