aniceheart

[aniceheart]

Never expect someone to respect your feelings because you respected theirs. Never expect someone not to hurt you because you would never hurt them.

(via dirtyberd)

Absofuckinglutely.

(via ohhkittykat78)

And remember, you are not a reflection of those who cannot or will not love you.

[aniceheart]

Congratulations for making it to 2016 even if sometimes you didn't think you could

[aniceheart]

I can’t tell you guys how long I’ve spent looking through this page. I just saw this post pop up and it hits home because I have something similar. The night before my mom went in the hospital, she was in bed and I was laying there with her. I can still see her and hear her when she said, “I love you so much”. It was just the way she said it.... I’ll never forget it. To this day, I can say “I love you” or “I love you very much” but I can never tell anyone “I love you so much”. Those are her words. Do any of you have a similar sort of situation?

“You look so beautiful.”

This was the last sentence my mother ever said to me. I was 15 going to my first homecoming at a new school in a new town. She was in a nursing home recovering from hip surgery because her cancer had eaten through her bones. It was the last thing she ever said at all. I didn’t want to go to the dance, because I wanted to be with her every moment, but she insisted. She passed away the next day.

It’s been 6 years and I still hate when people say that sentence to me.

[aniceheart]

I hope you all have a very lovely Christmas.

[aniceheart]

3 years today. 

I’ve never seen a better quote (see previous post) to explain how I feel and how I still think about my mom multiple times per day, every day. 

It’s become a little easier, but still so hard.

#pancreatic cancer #pancreaticcancer #Pancreatic Cancer Awareness #grief

[aniceheart]

Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (via quotethat)

[aniceheart]

I won’t ever tell anyone how to grieve or whether the way someone deals with something horrible is appropriate. When I was 17 my mum died. My dad informed me of it while I was playing Grandia II. After a short talk with him I simply continued playing, because I didn’t know what else to do. I was in shock, tears were streaming down my face. Everything else I could have done felt like a waste to me. Nothing would change the fact or make anything better. So at least I could do something that remotely ressembled fun and occupied me. I couldn’t face my dad or my sister or their grief. A few hours later I went to a friend to escape the silence of our home. I tried to distract myself, but felt guilty for every laugh that escaped me. It certainly wasn’t lack of emotion or indifference that made me act that way. It was the only thing that kept me going and kept me from drowning in sorrow. So whatever a person feels or needs to do to handle something is fine by me. Some talk endlessly about it, some ignore it, some distract themselves, some get angry, others annoyed, others will talk about how sad they are, some cry, some cry some more. 

We see it now on tumblr. Some reblog every single post they see about the tragedies, some talk about it, some ignore it, some post funny stuff, some are touched by it, others aren’t. I respect all of that. I know some people find it weird or hypocritical how people react around here. They find it cynical to create art posts. Or they hate how France gets more attention than the other attacks. Others feel that it lacks taste to continue business as usual. I get all of that. Yet it simply isn’t anyones place to tell another person how to deal with something that touched them or didn’t touch them at all. Let people deal with it in the way they need, not how you see fit.

[aniceheart]

Sharing my post from last year. 

Know It. Fight It. End It.

November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month.

#pancreatic cancer #pancreaticcancer #pancreatic cancer awareness

[aniceheart]

I sure wish.

[aniceheart]

Just a little something cute to make you smile :-)

rina_takei

[aniceheart]

[aniceheart]

And it took a long time till I came clean with myself. I come clean out of love with my lover. I still love her, loved her more when she used to be sober and I was kinder.

#modest mouse #bankrupt on selling

[aniceheart]

#the skeleton twins

[aniceheart]

“Pancreatic cancer sucks...and other life lessons I wish I didn’t know”.

It’s funny, I can’t tell you when I first joined this site. I’m sure I could find it out, but I’ve already started this post and don’t feel like saving it or getting out of it. When I joined, I mostly had random posts about having baby fever at age 21 (ha!), how having big boobs sucks sometime, and other weird junk like that. Then when my mom became sick, I scrapped everything and started over.

I’ve done a lot of posts about how pancreatic cancer sucks, as you are probably aware, but I’ve seemingly glossed over the “other life lessons” part. I’m a pretty private person so even though I have had the opportunity to write about a multitude of other life lessons, I just didn’t feel like it. Until now.

In 2009 I started dating someone. In 2011 we became engaged and later moved in together. We’ve lived in two different apartments together, had a few pets together, and we’ve gone on quite a few awesome vacations. He was, still is, my best friend. But my feelings were different. I think I knew it for a long time but I never admitted it to myself. You know what’s hard about breaking up? Everything. It shouldn’t be, but it is. You know what makes it exponentially harder? When it’s all one-sided. When you’re blind-siding your partner with news that you don’t “feel” the same anymore. When you’re asking him to move out of your home. 

I’ve always been a really independent person who enjoys spending a lot of time alone. I’ve also always let boys treat me poorly in relationships and have the upper hand. Not with this person. But it still wasn’t equal. There was too much dependence; mostly on his part, but subsequently on my part too because of it. I felt too in control. I felt like a mom. Ironic, since I want to have children... but....not that kind of children. Anyway, going from being very independent to suddenly having a partner-in-crime 24/7 was a change, but in a good way. I remember thinking, “what if we ever broke up? I’d be all alone. I wouldn’t know what to do”. Then recently I began thinking more and more about how I didn’t mind. I just wanted some alone time. Maybe I’m selfish. I think I’m just human. I don’t know. I was feeling more depressed. I had gained about 20 pounds (we both enabled each other to eat a lot of junk food; working on getting it off now!). I felt like I was in this terrible cycle and I didn’t feel good about myself or what I was doing. I had to finally do something FOR ME. I hadn’t done that in a long time.

I see some of you on here talking about your relationship. It’s hard to read into, but it seems as though you feel how I was feeling. I can’t urge anyone to stay in a relationship or to end one, because I don’t know all the details. That’s up to you. But just know that you will be fine alone. You will be fine. You will be fine and you will eventually find someone who cares as much as you care and it will just be right. So right.

I guess that’s sort of why I made this post. I’ve been adjusting to the differences and I am enjoying it. Shit, I even went grocery shopping today by myself for the first time in, I’d say, years. It was intense. I would push my cart, then just stare around at people. That probably sounds weird. I think we all know I am weird. haha. I guess I just feel so differently and I’m seeing things differently as well.

Anyway - I feel good. I feel hopeful. I feel curious. In this world, you have to be kind, have a heart, be a good listener, and give a damn about others. I’ll tell you, though....you really have to give a damn about yourself first and foremost. And I don’t buy that bullshit about how you can’t love another person unless you love yourself. No, that’s not true. But I do know you have to look out for yourself, your feelings, and your sanity above all else. Don’t drag yourself down in order to lift up those around you.

[aniceheart]

Please consider signing on with this important petition! 

[aniceheart]

This isn’t a cancer-related post. That’s the only issue with making a cancer-themed blog (”Kelly, type the word ‘cancer’ again”). Anyway, I’ve had so much on my mind lately. It’s been messing with my sleep and I’m having trouble with school - mostly because the one class I’m in is, to put it simply, sort of pissing me off. Last fall, I started feeling really down - really down - and I hadn’t felt that way in a few years. I mean, I’m always sort of sad, but not like I was during those few months in late 2014. I sort of feel like maybe I’m feeling that way again. It’s weird, when I’m out with friends or even family I just feel so disconnected. On the other hand, though, I feel like I’m so desperate or just desperately trying to cling to people. I’m really not. I just don’t know how I feel. Well, actually, no, I feel like I’m 26 and like all of this self-doubt (What am I doing with my life? What do I want?) should have ended a while ago...even though I’m not old....this is what our 20′s are for, right?

It’s a weird in-between 

And I tell ya, man, it’s these weird “in-between”s that will get you.

[aniceheart]

#it's such a beautiful day