#they're so painful to read | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soujux · 2 years

Text

[ HYUN. ]

— i'll try not to miss you.

When Taehyun wakes up from an open-eyed dream, Yeonjun loses the power to sweep him off his feet. It causes them to part-ways, months after convincing themselves that they were in love. To not have someone chasing after him, Yeonjun should have taken the opportunity to start anew. But why does he keep searching for Taehyun now that he's gone?

forum. a place, meeting, or medium where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged.

— pairings: kang taehyun x choi yeonjun

— genre: childhood friends to lovers (?), engagement arrangements, first love, unrequited love, one-sided pining, lots of yearning, aged-up, online forums, angst/fluff, retrospect

[📃 NOTE ! this is a fruit of my writer's block written with little to no effort, so excuse my metaphors, dialogues, and picked figurative language.]

HYUN Ask! PrettyBoy

This is my first time joining a forum and I honestly never imagined myself sharing anything on the internet about my love life, but desperate times call for desperate measures—here’s a kettle full of something you can fill your cup with:

Hello. You can call me Hyun. I am engaged to my first love that only sees me as a brother. What should I do?

☾

THE STORY GOES a little bit like this.

Firstly, Taehyun doesn’t remember not knowing Choi Yeonjun. He’s intelligent, endearingly close to his mother, everyone’s friend, handsome (so handsome), and popular since childhood—which only worsens as he grows older. Taehyun knows Yeonjun well, maybe even too well since the fox-boy’s family visits his household every Saturday from the day he was born.

You see, here’s the thing. Their parents had always been close—best friends forever, ‘my ride or die’, or call it whatever you want close, that close—and it strings along a whopping ten albums worth of his childhood pictures with a snotty Choi Yeonjun.

They were together most of their lives and Taehyun’s sister was so blatant about being tired of the Youngest Choi™’s face.

“I think she hates me,” Yeonjun jabbed Taehyun’s side gently when the girl rolled her eyes. Their mother just announced that he’ll be attending her wedding as the groom’s best man, because unfortunately for her, she ended up marrying Yeonjun’s cousin. “Seriously, why is she frowning like that?”

“She’s tired of your face.”

“So, she hates me,” Yeonjun concluded then and there.

“Erm, probably,” Taehyun doesn’t say that he’s feeling a bit tired of Yeonjun too.

Secondly, when Taehyun’s sister married a Choi, their families got closer… and closer. Worse than before. On every family trip, family celebration, and grand family meal; The Chois™ are there. Present and blending in with the family.

“I think at this point we should all just live together,” Taehyun made a joke with roasted garlic on his plate. He doesn’t miss the smile on his parents’ faces. “I’m… I’m joking! Don’t think about living together. This is enough.”

“We know, Hyun-ah. It’s just funny to see you all worked up,” He receives a kiss on the cheek. At least that was a good compensation for a fear that he just discovered.

Thirdly, Taehyun and Yeonjun are inseparable. It wasn’t even a choice anymore.

One day, Taehyun woke up and started his first day in high school, only to find Yeonjun waiting for him at the front door, because—surprise!—they go to the same campus. Years later, they’ll be going to the same college, same dorm building, same cafe, and even the same barber. God. It was a game that never ends.

Although, don’t get him wrong. Yeonjun wasn’t horrible. It’s quite the opposite.

Yeonjun is an absolute sweetheart. Almost like a daydream. He dresses like he’s for the runway and dyes his hair in different hues. People in the university fawn over him as they become friends; he’s easygoing like that. He’s an insider. A social butterfly with the prettiest wings. He dated people like a player, but remained everyone’s dream boy.

Oh, he seems unreal. Taehyun thinks he’s too good to be true. Sometimes he’ll receive a text from Yeonjun asking him to hangout and he’ll have a brief moment to pause and regain composure because he absolutely loses his crap every time ‘The Yeonjun’ comes knocking at his dorm room with fried chicken.

One of those starstruck moments was this one, when Yeonjun sat comfortably on his floor with food on the low table. His hair was pushed back and his jacket laid on the couch, leaving him in his plain white shirt. Taehyun hopes he can conceal the blush in his face.

“Your mother called and asked me to pick you up,” Yeonjun said, munching on a drumstick cutely.

As much as Taehyun would want to coo in adoration, he was more perplexed than flattered. “What for?"

“No idea,” Yeonjun shrugs. “She said it wasn’t urgent, but she needs to talk to us today.”

“Oh, okay. Let’s go after this.”

“Got it, Tyunnie.”

At one point, Taehyun questioned everything about Choi Yeonjun. His words, his thoughts, his care, and his actions—but he seems to be as good as an open book. Yeonjun was genuine and honest. Anyone could see right through him just by looking at his face, yet Taehyun still felt the need to deny so much when he knows too much.

The last part of the story was delayed for several more years. They graduated from university, met new people, got busier, and spent more time apart.

Perhaps that’s what time does to relationships; it makes them harder to think about because there’s nothing more for one to wonder. Taehyun still saw Yeonjun every month and they still shared meals while they talked about work, but there’s an invisible wall that built itself between them through countless changes.

Since—lastly, Taehyun and Yeonjun got engaged on a haphazard day. Like a raging wave in a calm sea.

And he pretends not to read Yeonjun every time he wears his heart in his sleeve.

☾

HYUN Thread! PrettyBoy

I didn’t expect my first post to blow up like that, but to clarify, my fiance is a close family friend and I grew up with him. I started liking him in my second year of high school, when he was leaving for college, and I never really acted upon it until years later.

It took me such a long time because he’s improbably charming and attractive, so I was not the only one that liked him. I think he had a serious relationship in college, but it didn’t end well because of something I didn’t really find out. Even after that, he was always seeing someone, so I took it as a sign that confessing will be useless. But realizing that I need to get it off my chest, I still ended up confessing on his graduation day.

His reaction was fine. It was a bit awkward—sure—but he wasn’t a jerk about it. He gave me a hug and told me I was cute, but he made it clear that I was being rejected. That’s why I’m as lost as everyone about the ring on my finger.

He’s just… confusing.

☾

GRADUATION DAY.

Yeonjun was everywhere from being dragged left and right by his ocean number of friends—he’s probably in everybody’s celebratory post at this point. His smile beamed along with countless others, but Taehyun still saw it like the morning sun.

“Tyun! You’re late,” Soobin spotted him first. Just like Yeonjun, he was graduating today and he’s currently bouncing around with his medals and glorious flowers. “Take a picture with me!”

Soobin.

Yeonjun’s first boyfriend that met his family. He was tall, a lot taller than Taehyun, and he had cunning dimples that everyone was obsessed with. Soobin was kind. Probably the kindest person Taehyun knows; and if he wasn’t such a jealous bug, then maybe he would have rooted for their relationship. Either way, it didn’t work out, but they’re still great friends. On certain days, Taehyun accompanies Soobin to try every pastry in a newly opened bakery—talking about school, games, boys (er, Yeonjun), because Soobin figured him out way easier than he would have thought.

"So, you're finally confessing?" Soobin asked after studying the tense state of the younger boy. "You should do that. help yourself by doing that before it's too late."

"It's not like he feels the same way, hyung. I just want him to know and finally move on."

Soobin merely smiles before they part. Taehyun goes to garner courage once he faces Yeonjun with a rather nervous stutter.

Frankly, the confession was a mess, an accumulation of all the harboring feelings and all the fear that Taehyun has hidden in every corner of his heart. Even his mind was a blur when Yeonjun heard everything he had to say—it was one of those rare days when Taehyun couldn't read Yeonjun's face.

"Do you like me? like, actually like me?"

Taehyun succumbs in embarrassment. "Please, don't make me say it again."

After that comes an adorable laugh that wasn't anything relatively close to a mock. it was genuine, just Yeonjun. "You're so cute, Tyun. Calm down for me, hm? You're shaking so much."

Let me down slowly.

"I'm just saying. I'm not expecting anything in return—I mean it! You're... really important to me, hyung, and I need to get this off my chest before you leave," Taehyun doesn't look at Yeonjun's face, but feels the hands delicately holding his waist. "I also think you deserve to know. You need to know about how much people love you."

"That's very sweet," He failed to find better words to fill the gaps. "Thank you," Yeonjun ended it at that, and perhaps Taehyun was lying about being content.

Saying that he wasn't expecting anything at all was easier than actually not expecting. In the end, he hugged Yeonjun one last time and never saw him again.

It wasn't a new constant per se. Taehyun and Yeonjun do bump into each other sometimes and share a meal out of courtesy, but it wasn't the same as the old days with oily fingers and fast food. Now, meals are shared in a rather more professional setting, less carefree. The joke doesn't land even if Taehyun tries.

Yeonjun works for his own company, while Taehyun was out pursuing a fickle music job that his parents weren't exactly on board with. In just a couple of years, their worlds grew distant, moving farther and farther.

Taehyun convinces himself that life drove them away from each other because they were growing, but when Yeonjun abruptly called him up for a meeting, their worlds collided.

"Marry me."

It came without a warning, yet solemnly—the epitome of what it feels like to love yeonjun all this time. He's a surging wind on a summer day, rain on your favorite day; but Taehyun loved him still, as if he was the same high school boy that patiently waits for something that will never come.

"Are you drunk? I can't just marry you when we're not even…” Taehyun finds it hard to comprehend.

Yeonjun pushes relentlessly. "Then date me. I'll take you out every Friday and we'll spend time together until you deem it enough."

"Hyung, you're confusing me. I know that you don't like me, so what's this about?"

Taehyun shouldn't have asked.

If Taehyun was good at reading Yeonjun like an open book, Yeonjun was better at knowing the ways to Taehyun's heart.

"I want to try it, with you," Rigid breathes between the silent gaps. "Love."

How can Taehyun say no to that?

☾

Re: HYUN Thread! Endolphin Answer MolangLover

Mr. HYUN, your submission has been haunting my mind for nights! I had a similar experience with my last boyfriend, that’s why I broke up with him when I became more self-aware. He cared for me—I know he did—but I wanted to be loved, and he couldn’t give me that. So, I knew it was better to just move on with our lives and meet other people.

I want to ask about how you’re doing, because that kind of relationship is tiring (must be for you, especially). If you could tell me anything—what you feel, what you think—it would be lovely, but if you’re uncomfortable, then feel free to ignore my reply.

Have a nice day!

ㅤ

Re: Endolphin Answer HYUN Thread! PrettyBoy

Hello, Endolphin. I would add something before your name, but I wouldn’t want to misgender you.

Thank you for this reply. It makes me feel comforted that somebody is going through or has gone through something similar to me. If you could probably tell, I am more than fine to answer your question.

Surprisingly, I am feeling well. My fiance takes me out on a date every Friday and it gets cancelled so often because of his not-so-flexible schedule compared to mine. However, I try to be happy. He’s never rude to me, he’s always kind, but it’s nothing close to showing romantic interest.

As for what I think, I think about so many things. I always worry about being well-behaved and being pliant to not upset him. I also worry about my job and other things in my life.

Endolphin, if it’s not so rude of me, may I ask you about the breakup with your last boyfriend? How did he react? How did you do it? Now that you brought it up, I’m starting to think if it’s the best thing to do in situations like this.

☾

THERE ARE PROS AND CONS in being engaged with Choi Yeonjun.

Firstly, he’s Yeonjun. The man Taehyun has been in love with since he was a literal teenager.

He had dreamed about being with Yeonjun, going on dates, holding hands—anything lovers do. But it was not a dream that Taehyun thought would come true. Heck, meeting the famous gay celebrity icon, Beomgyu, sounds more attainable than getting his lips anywhere near Yeonjun’s pretty ones!

Deep breath. Inhale, exhale. Taehyun tries to stay grounded everyday.

Yeonjun would never kiss him.

Should that be a negative streak? It’s a personal agenda, so maybe Taehyun can forgive him for that.

At the end of the day, Yeonjun offered some sort of a course of learning. Love in particular. Which is absolute bull because when you’re learning how to love a person, that means you never loved that person at all.

Among the list of pros is this: Yeonjun was easy to read.

“It’s an emergency, Tyun. Will you wait for me?”

“Hm, okay,” Taehyun once looked at Yeonjun with a smile. It was on a Friday night, inside Yeonjun’s office. He had to put a song on hold just to meet Yeonjun for an expected date, but his fiance couldn’t do the same. “I’ll be waiting in the lobby.”

Yeonjun takes his hand before he can go. “Just stay here. It won’t take too long.”

“I’ll be quiet.”

Deep breaths. Inhale, exhale. Taehyun learns to be patient. Despite knowing each other for eternity, Yeonjun was a lesson to learn. How he acts and how he talks, how he works and how he thinks—Taehyun understands like the lover he is.

He grew not to bother about certain truths that he had no control of. Like how he will never be a priority, how Yeonjun merely had him on display in his life—or how in all the hours that passed since Taehyun sat on the couch, Yeonjun never checked up on him even once.

“Hyung,” Taehyun wants to go home. “Let’s just cancel today. I’m tired.”

Yeonjun hums, “I’ll let my secretary drive you home.”

“No, it’s fine. Good night, hyung,” Taehyun fixed his stuff before making his way to the door. Before he opens it, he stops. “I love you,” He said without looking back.

After all, seeing Yeonjun’s face drop was harder than not seeing his response at all.

Cons of being engaged with Choi Yeonjun: He will never say he loves you back

☾

HYUN Ask! PrettyBoy

Today’s TMI: I live with my fiance, but I barely see him home. Is this even a TMI? People are asking for updates, but I’m literally waiting for the same thing.

Our penthouse is approximately thirty minutes away from his workplace, so it’s only natural that he’ll be staying somewhere nearer on weekdays. On weekends he would stay over, but he often locked himself up in the office. He’s a workaholic. My workaholic. I think I’ve seen him pass out on his desk more than I’ve seen him sleeping in his bed, and he mumbles jargon in his sleep.

Anyway, tips to make your significant other fall in love with you? I don’t want studious relationships, I want mutual obsession.

☾

LIVING TOGETHER WAS Taehyun’s idea.

They got a place in a quieter part of Seoul and settled in quite well. Taehyun had always been a neat person, so Yeonjun never had an issue. Even so, they still have someone that does the cleaning for them once a week. Splitting chores was not an option since they’re both equally busy, so it was the greatest resort.

Much to Taehyun’s dismay, they don’t share a room. They room across from each other, Yeonjun’s being the most empty because he rarely occupies it, but Taehyun has his place filled with instruments and gadgets.

It shows in aspectects like that; one was more enthusiastic among the two. Taehyun doesn’t mind as long as Yeonjun comes home every week.

“Just move in with me. The kids need a babysitter anyway,” Years later, the Anti-Choi Yeonjun™ movement lives on inside of Taehyun’s sister. “Yeonjun is barely home. What are you supposed to do here all alone?”

“Sleep, eat. I bought a PS5,” Taehyun knows there’s no dancing around this, but he still tried.

“Hyun, dump his ass. You’re an idiot for getting yourself into this, but if you’re actually thinking of settling then you need professional help.”

“Noona, I’m not crazy.”

“Then get a hold of yourself. I know he’s the love of your life or something, but this is not good for anybody,” She dragged the boy on the couch. “Do you actually believe that he’ll fall in love with you?”

“You’re making it sound like I’m unlovable.”

Smack. “Dummy. I love you! You’re the most amazing person there is and it’s Yeonjun’s loss for not seeing that, but my point still stands. You can’t force yourself to be in love. It doesn’t work that way.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Taehyun finally unraveled the last card in his hand, drawing a desperate look on his sister’s exasperated state.

Taehyun sleeps over at his sister’s that night. He doesn’t let Yeonjun know—he probably won’t notice anyway—but he returns the next day before following a routine of washing up and preparing breakfast.

What he failed to notice was a sleeping figure on the couch, snoring soundly in deep sleep. Yeonjun was still in his suit, all wrinkled and altered in his rest. His tie was left on the table and his socks kept clinging around his laying feet. The position was rather uncomfortable with the head painfully placed on the headrest. For all he knows, the man’s gonna end up with a stiff neck once he wakes up.

It’s seven in the morning; he’ll wake up soon. Taehyun doesn’t have to bring him to his room or wake him up. All he could offer was a cup of coffee placed beside the discarded clothing on the table.

“Tyun?”

“Hm?”

“Where were you?” The words came out a bit slurred, throat dry and muscles weak. Taehyun felt bad after seeing Yeonjun wince as soon as he sat up.

“Out,” Taehyun answered vaguely. “It’s Friday. Why are you here?”

Yeonjun scoffed, albeit dryly from his slumber. “It’s my house too, you know?”

“I don’t mean it like that.”

“I know. I came home because I felt bad about last week. We… always cancel our dates,” Yeonjun’s voice was small. As if he was unsure of his words.

“It couldn’t be helped. You don’t have to feel bad.”

“No, I want to go out. With you, I mean. I don’t have anything scheduled today, so we can spend it together.”

“But I have work,” Taehyun wanted to say, but he ended up just nodding to Yeonjun’s smile as a silent agreement that he’ll go wherever Yeonjun goes.

This is enough, Taehyun thinks. It’s enough for Yeonjun to only come for him when it’s convenient.

They can start from there.

☾

Re: HYUN Ask! BEN Answer TeddyBear

Love is a mysterious thing. You see, HYUN, there is no step-by-step process to falling in love. It’s like tumbling down a flight of stairs, toppling and terrifying, but once you reach the last step, you strangely still find yourself in the place you wanted to be in. Then, you think you can never do that again.

My lover used to do the same thing as you; he’s like a restless storm. In several ways, he tried to romance me—heartfelt and genuine and I do miss dearly. I only realized how much I loved dancing in the rain when it stopped. Now, the sun doesn’t feel warm on my skin anymore.

Oh, I didn’t mean to stray, but I only mean one thing.

Trying to love someone tires the heart and soul, but most of the time, you are already in love even before you begin.

I hope this helps.

☾

SOMETIMES, HOPE IS A flower that Yeonjun brings home.

He would tell Taehyun good night with a smile on his face before retreating to his room while someone giddily sets the flower on a vase for the empty kitchen counter they barely use. It’s a rose, thornless by somebody else’s hands. Taehyun admires it every morning and every night, until the next Friday that arrives with a new replacement for a wilted plant.

“How did you know that I like flowers?” Taehyun had to ask as it seems like Yeonjun found a new habit of setting his heart in motion through a single gesture.

“I didn’t. You’re just pretty with flowers,” Yeonjun doesn’t look him in the eye, but the tint on his cheeks was enough for Taehyun to smile.

Sometimes, hope is a warm feeling in Taehyun’s heart.

It’s terrifying to realize that he’s committing to a possibility to only fall deeper, but with every smile and every word that Yeonjun seemingly pulls from something in the air, there was nothing else that Taehyun could see himself do.

Yeonjun knew all the ways to Taehyun’s heart, and it’s so cruel. He could lift Taehyun high and have him fall without caution—Taehyun will never, never have anything to hold on to.

Hope is a fickle thing.

Taehyun realized it on the day he visited his parents.

“I don’t remember inviting you,” Yeonjun merely laughs at the ‘greeting’ he received from Taehyun’s sister. “This is a ‘Kang Only’ zone.”

“Noona, stop embarrassing me,” Taehyun helps her forfeit and leave his fiance alone the entire night. After everything he’s told his sister, he wasn’t sure if the hate-esque approach was just a joke anymore. It all came with good intentions—he’s sure, but Yeonjun was still a guest and a close friend before the whole predicament. Basic respect was the bare minimum. “I’m sorry about her. She’s just protective.”

“I understand, Taehyun. You don’t need to explain,” Yeonjun reassured with a hand pressed against his back. “Let’s go meet your mom.”

“Okay.”

It started well. He started hopeful—when Yeonjun helped him with his chair and offered him side dishes, they blended in with the ideal figure of a happy relationship. Taehyun didn’t think about his failed attempt to hold Yeonjun’s hand under the table when the man swiftly pulled away without sparing him a glance. He didn’t think about the dismissive silence when his mother asked them about marriage.

It’s an ugly feeling, but maybe it has always been there. If Taehyun could burn every pain in his heart, he’d be in the fiery pits of hell. There was no adequate word to explain it.

“I’m still not there, aren’t I?” Taehyun showed vulnerability in the car. The only thing he hates the most, being breakable, he shares with Yeonjun too. “Hyung, you will never love me.”

“Let’s not talk about this now.”

“When will we?”

“You had a few drinks.”

Taehyun shakes his head in exasperation. “I’m not drunk. I know what I’m saying.”

“We’re tired,” Yeonjun breathes roughly, plausibly frustrated. “I don’t want to say something that will hurt you.”

What would change? “You’re hurting me now.” Taehyun shouldn’t have hoped in the first place.

“Good night, hyung. I’m really tired.”

☾

Re: HYUN Thread! Endolphin Answer MolangLover

Hello, Mr. HYUN. I am, in fact, a gay man! You can use any pronouns on me, I really don’t mind. However, I do mind my late response. I just read your reply, and so I only have answers to your questions today.

My then boyfriend was always calm. He’s always logical and handles everything maturely. That’s why I expected him to take it well when I told him I wanted out, but I guess I didn’t know him well enough.

Trying not to give specific details: our breakup happened through dinner. It’s incredibly anticlimactic because we didn’t even cry—he didn’t even say no. Or at least, that’s what I thought, because the very next day he was at my door telling me that he’ll drive me to work.

It pretty much started from there. Just. He’s suddenly everywhere. It’s a mess.

However, one piece of unsolicited advice: some people are not for you, and realizing it later is better than not realizing it at all.

Mr. HYUN, I hope you grant your heart solace. Please be happy. You owe yourself that the most.

From: Soobin binsoochoi

Hello, Kang Taehyun. How are you? I forgot to ask for your number on my graduation and you’ve deactivated all your social media accounts, but I heard that your email is active as ever.

You are one of my most treasured friends despite all the years that passed, and I want to tell you this myself even if you probably already know from the mail I sent last week.

I am getting married! *Break dances*

All the details are in the invitation, so please come or else I’ll cry.

Also, despite the given circumstance, I’m sure Yeonjun wants to see you again.

☾

IT ALL BEGAN WITH SPACE, A PERIOD before a crash. The silence that drove Taehyun deaf until he surrendered to the lonely call of his bedroom for a night's rest. Nobody told him that solitude takes form when it gets overwhelming—that it will hold him by the neck until he blanks and wakes up feeling disoriented for a plight to occur all over again.

His sister always called him crazy for sitting through the neglect. But if they were to toe the path that led them here, Taehyun still found his own hand tracing the very ring Yeonjun got him that night. It was the thread that he sewed to the plot, his contribution that now made him cynical.

If he said no, would he even see Yeonjun after that night again?

It only dawned on him then, when the door opened and he didn’t bother looking out to check who it was, because welcoming someone home would only apply if home whirled every particle in the area. But everything was foreign and cold.

Taehyun, despite his efforts to keep Yeonjun by his side, already lost him somewhere along the line. Yet, he’s still here. In this house like a madman devoured by lonesome.

His sister was right.

☾

“WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM my number?” Exasperation always, always found its way to Taehyun even after so long.

And yet, Soobin had the audacity to sigh from the other side of the line. “I’m sorry. He just looked so sad. I couldn’t say no.”

“Soobin hyung.. You can’t just give people my personal information just because you’re an empath.”

“I know, I know—I'll have them serve you your favorite wine at the reception next week. I promise,”

It’s a tempting offer, but Taehyun was some kind of a selfless soul. “It’s fine. Just don’t do it again.”

But take that with a grain of salt.

For the past few days, he’s made regrettable decisions that may or may not require shutting doors, walking out, and avoiding someone like the plague. He, for a lack of better word, would skedaddle across the world if he didn’t have a job to keep and a point to give.

Going back a few pages, the story went a little bit like this.

Firstly, Taehyun and Yeonjun had a mutual agreement that the arrangement wasn’t working. Or at least, that’s what Taehyun thought.

You see, the conversation was brief—maybe shorter than Taehyun would have guessed, but most of it was one-sided. Yeonjun, the entire time, barely even spoke. He merely looked at Taehyun with wide eyes and steady breathing; a complete contrast to his then fiance’s stuttering state.

He only said one thing. “You’re leaving?”

Really? After a long monologue about feeling out of place, floating in the air, and feeling desperate—Yeonjun doesn’t even prove him wrong.

“It’s not working,” Taehyun told him. “Why are we even doing this?”

The story continues with boxes and empty cupboards. Packing used to be Taehyun’s most dreaded activity, but packing from the penthouse felt like severing invisible strings. It tickles his skin and his heart, leaving his soul yearning for Yeonjun to stand by the door and ask him to stay.

But even if he did, even when Yeonjun stood by the door, it was to send him off.

“Did you ever love me? Even just a speck..” It was his last resort, but the answer never came out loud. It’s in the air. “Oh, I see.”

He leaves for the door, not before Yeonjun holds his hand for a split second that gives him hope.

He looks back to see Yeonjun’s warm eyes. “Take care, Taehyun.”

Hope is a fickle thing.

The story should have ended there. They never see each other again, they go separate ways, they meet again years later when they’re both happy with all the broken pieces fixed. It was the probable situation that Taehyun pictured.

But Yeonjun had different plans.

☾

HYUN Ask! PrettyBoy

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted anything in the forum, and I still very much find the whole ordeal of letting strangers answer your question a bit skeptical and dumb. However, this is all I got for now, so bear with me.

Hello. I’m Hyun. I broke up with my fiance last week, and last night he came knocking at my door asking if we could be friends. What the fuck is happening?

☾

IT WAS MIDNIGHT WHEN Yeonjun knocked at his door relentlessly. Like who he is. Even when Taehyun pretended to be asleep, even when ten minutes passed—it kept going.

He stumbled to walk across the apartment he got himself close to where his sister lived, wanting to be closer to his family. Sleep got the best of him when he opened the door to a surprised Yeonjun. “Do you want me to call the police on you?”

“I-I..” Yeonjun toyed with the end of his sleeve.

“Did you come from work?” Yeonjun nods to the question. “Okay. Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why are you here?”

Yeonjun points at the sky, awkwardly looking back and forth to seemingly prove a point. “It’s night time. I was too sleepy to drive all the way home.”

It was a bad idea to let Yeonjun drive him to his address last week.

“Sounds like bull—don’t you stay somewhere near your office?”

“It’s boring. I want to stay with you,” Yeonjun said dryly. “Let me sleep over, like the old days.”

Taehyun had to snort. He was not in his best shape. “Hyung, are you drunk?”

Taehyun knew that Yeonjun was anything but ordinary™, especially with his hair tousled and clothes wrecked like he’s gone through hell driving all the way here, but he would have at least expected Yeonjun to reply like a normal person. Instead, the man leaned forward with playful eyes and nose barely missing Taehyun’s skin.

He blows. “What do you think?”

“Mint,” Taehyun babbled. “You. Move away!”

Who makes other people smell their breath like that?

“Let me stay over.”

“No. Hyung, go home. You look fine!”

Yeonjun finally, after what it felt like eternity, gifted Taehyun distance. “I’m tired. You know how fast I fall asleep when I’m tired—I don’t even notice it.”

He has a point. “Clothes. You don’t have clothes. You can’t sleep in that.”

“Then, let me borrow your clothes.”

“What?!”

Needless to say, in Taehyun’s calm sea, Yeonjun will always be the raging winds that start the surging waves.

☾

BEFORE SUNRISE, TAEHYUN got a man in his guest room and the same man wearing his clothes like they’re made for him.

Taehyun falls asleep with frustrated sighs.

☾

HYUN Thread PrettyBoy

Pardon me, but this is not a laughing matter. I think my heart is about to combust and my brain is going into overdrive. Here, let me paint you a picture: sometimes people are dumb enough to act on their instict that they refuse to acknowledge their effect on others. What does that sound like? Insensitivity. Indifference. They lack empathy and I am close enough to beg for sympathy at this point.

He was already everywhere when he was not. What do I do now that he’s actually close enough for me to touch? Sometimes I believe that between the two of us, he’s the one who needs more saving.

☾

WALKING AWAY WAS THE EASIEST thing to do, but if the slope was treacherous, Taehyun found no other way to move forward than just stop.

And with Yeonjun, nothing ever goes smoothly.

He wakes up to Yeonjun’s cooking. Something that teetered between familiar and foreign. His stomach refused to flip out of hunger, but rather of awe when he got a reminder of what Yeonjun looks like in the morning: messy hair, pale cheeks, and round eyes. He failed to take away the domesticated feeling in his system.

Stop. Pause. Breathe.

Sometimes, to get through a heartbreak is another, but Taehyun wasn’t ready for anything as close to what Yeonjun made him feel the first time.

Instead of a morning greeting, he settles with a blank stare. “Why are you still here?”

Yeonjun should have left—for work, for errands, or anything else that doesn’t require him imprinting his ghost on every corner of Taehyun’s home.

“I made breakfast. I wanted to take a shower, but I don’t have spare clothes,” Yeonjun replied normally. Nonchalantly. It’s almost frustrating to know that he could act indifferent when Taehyun stirs the turmoil in his chest.

He sighs in exasperation. “You didn’t have to. I’ll leave for work anyway.”

“Wait! Have breakfast,” Yeonjun pulls a chair out. “And let me borrow clothes again, please?”

“Hyung,” It’s a warning.

“Please?”

“Just go home,” Taehyun heads to the bathroom, but for Yeonjun to grab his shirt from behind. He groans.

“Taehyun, are you seriously kicking me out?”

He faced Yeonjun with his arms flying to his hips. “Are you seriously not leaving?”

“We’re friends!”

“Friends don’t always do sleepovers!”

“They do! I used to sleep over at Soobin’s a lot.”

Taehyun stepped back in disbelief. “You used to date each other.”

“And we didn’t?” Yeonjun shrugged. He does it with a simper. “We were engaged.”

“Fuck you.”

He gives up. In annoyance, he takes Yeonjun’s car keys and makes harsh stomps at the door. Without hesitating, he throws them out to earn a gasp on Yeonjun’s end. When he was certain that the other would take the keys back by stumbling across the room and outside, he smirks.

Here, by the door, he wasn’t sure if this was the last time, but he took his chances. “Take care, Yeonjun.”

Close.

☾

Re: HYUN Thread Endolphin MolangLover

Well.. that’s quite an interesting predicament, Mr. HYUN. However, I completely empathize with you since I was in your shoes a while back. I guess our exes were always meant to be our significant bother.

Perhaps, to leave you with a sentiment, I will say this: communication actually works. Instead of dancing around the growing conflict with your ex-fiance, you should face it head-on. If you want him out of your life, tell him that as it is; but if you actually plan on indulging his friendship offer, then that’s something you still have to talk to him about.

Although, I am one of those people that strongly believes that exes are exes. Never friends.

ㅤㅤ

Re: Endolphin BEN TeddyBear

Exes can be friends.

ㅤㅤ

Re: BEN Endolphin MolangLover

Who

ㅤㅤ

Re: Endolphin BEN TeddyBear

Your friend.

ㅤㅤ

Re: BEN Endolphin MolangLover

Who asked?

☾

TAEHYUN THOUGHT THAT WEDDINGS are odd.

Which is unexpected from someone who’s on the brink of getting married before.

If Yeonjun never offered, Taehyun thinks. I would have never thought of it at all. He finishes with a truth he never knew existed.

When Soobin leaned in to kiss his partner, Taehyun wondered if they were ever afraid. After all, it’s not easy to admit that marriage was threatening, especially by someone who is already in love. Marriage binds you, colliding two worlds to become one. If that’s not terrifying enough, think of the puppies you’ll share, think of children, home, land, memories, happiness, and an entire language only the two of you understand.

Taehyun smiles. This is why I can’t get beautiful things. He will never understand what comes after fear.

“You’re crying.”

“Stating the obvious,” He wiped his tears away. Soobin was evil for putting Yeonjun and him together in one table. “I’m happy.”

Yeonjun nods, more attentive of Taehyun’s every move rather than Soobin’s first dance. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

He is not.

It was hell to sit through the entire celebration with Yeonjun by his side. “You’re lying,” Yeonjun said. “I know you better than you think I do.”

“Whether I am or not. I don’t think that’s your business,” Taehyun responded. The sweetness in Yeonjun’s voice is a contrast to the bitter feeling he left Taehyun before. This was a problem. Just when Taehyun finds the courage to leave, Yeonjun stays. “It’s not fair,” He added. It comes out of his mouth like a curse.

“Taehyun,” Yeonjun doesn’t continue. Whether he was lost for words or had a thousand things to say, Taehyun doesn’t know. It was one of those days when he found Yeonjun difficult to read. His eyes wide, anticipating, and his chest rising as if it’s holding onto composure.

Taehyun merely looks at him before paying Soobin all the attention he deserves. It’s not about him, it’s not about them. Nothing was ever about them after they failed—if there was even a chance to begin with. If the universe were to sew two people together, they were sown apart, and that’s how it should be.

But he loved him. He loves him. Taehyun always does. And that was the problem.

If Yeonjun looks at him again with hopeful eyes, he would just crumble from the very concrete he’s been building. Falling, falling… never ending. Love was cruel, but to love Yeonjun was the loveliest privilege he had earned.

He says this in the form of a plea, “Help me, hyung,” He had a drink or two, successfully sneaking out to the open parking space. But it was closing in. “Help me, will you?”

“Anything,” Yeonjun shouldn’t have.

“Looking at you only reminds me why you’re not mine, and it feels like shit,” He laughs, the humor absent despite it all. “You’re so selfish. You’re in my home, you’re in my clothes, you’re in my mind—hyung, what else do you want me to offer? How am I supposed to get over you?”

“Why do you think I’m doing this?”

Taehyun chokes a building cry. “Don’t make me ask for something you can’t give.”

Yeonjun had the audacity to chuckle. The same sound that memorized every corner in Taehyun’s love, triggering more and more until it became unbearable. It was fire in Taehyun’s heart to hear Yeonjun laugh; it was fire in Taehyun’s skin when Yeonjun touched him like a delicate figure.

And he was. Fragile. Scared. Vulnerable.

“You already have all of me,” Yeonjun whispered, not needing to be louder. His lips on Taehyun’s ears, hands on his waist, nose nuzzling the disheveled locks on Taehyun’s cloudy head. He was close, bearably close.

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m sober enough to know what I’m doing.”

Yeonjun sighs, “Push me away. I’ll stop.”

He leans in, that’s not the last time he did.

☾

[06:13] Choi Soobin (University): Taehyun, did you get home safely last night?

[06:20] Taehyun: Hyung, I fucked up.

[06:23] Choi Soobin (University): Why, what happened?!

[06:23] Taehyun: Hyung..

[06:25] Taehyun: I slept with Yeonjun-hyung.

[06:25] Taehyun: He’s still sleeping and I’m freaking out in the bathroom.

[06:28] Taehyun: I need to go. I really need to leave.

[06:28] Choi Soobin (University): ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

[06:30] Taehyun: I’ll cry. I swear. Why am I so dumb?!

[06:30] Choi Soobin (University): ... Was he good?

[06:31] Taehyun: SHUT UP!

☾

THERE WAS A RULE THAT TAEHYUN swore he would never cross, but life took a turn, and now he found himself untangling Yeonjun’s arms around him to collect every article of clothing he could find that was his. Never sleep with an ex, he said. No cuddling, he added. Apparently, besides Korean and English, he was great at speaking bullshit.

He left before Yeonjun woke up. He pretends like it was easy to walk away, but the stares he got from people passing by was a tattletale. He doesn’t fully understand the extent of Yeonjun’s imprint on him, failing like the way he tries to find a part of him that Yeonjun didn’t touch.

And goodness, losing like this felt so good.

But Taehyun knew that ecstasy doesn’t last long when foolish acts were easier when he was younger. Now, however, he has aged, a lot older than his escapades with exploration and discovery. To make it worse—it’s Yeonjun. The Yeonjun. The man he knew too much about, the man that his family treated like their own. He can’t just sweep this under the rug and pretend like he hasn’t seen all of him.

It was unfortunate, but luck always had a conflict with him from the beginning. He just wishes that Yeonjun would act indifferent enough for him not to turn red every time they meet.

☾

[08:27] Yeonjun: Tyun? You weren’t here when I woke up :(

[08:30] Taehyun: Sorry, hyung. I have work in the morning.

[08:30] Yeonjun: Should have woken me up :/

[08:30] Yeonjun: Did you have breakfast?

[08:35] Taehyun: Yes.

[08:35] Yeonjun: Good! Do you want to have lunch with me?

[08:36] Taehyun: No thank you. I already have plans.

[08:36] Taehyun: Meeting a client over lunch.

[08:37] Yeonjun: Dinner?

[08:40] Taehyun: Okay.

[08:40] Yeonjun: Great! See you later :D

☾

ABORT MISSION..

Something about Taehyun is that… he’s great at remembering. His memories often come to him vividly and it flows like a second chance to live the moment when he gets lost in his head.

So, maybe it wasn’t a very good idea for Yeonjun to invite him to his place for dinner. Why here? He hissed. Anywhere else would have been fine. He complained. Yeonjun was far too happy to just have him in his kitchen as he cooks to even notice Taehyun’s discomfort.

It’s quiet. Too quiet.

“I’ll… turn the TV on,” Taehyun stutters. He used to complain about the television set in the kitchen, but now he’s grateful as anyone to be offered something useful. It was so unlike him to intently watch the news with Yeonjun around, especially in a set-up like this.

“Wine?” Yeonjun got a bottle from a cupboard.

Taehyun shakes his head, “No. I’m good,” He declined. He doesn’t trust himself with the smallest alcohol in his system. Not with the lingering reminder of what just took place in this very home.

He takes a deep breath, feeling his lungs relieved. “Hyung, you don’t have to cook. We could just eat out. It’s easier and faster that way.”

“I want to. Cook for you, I mean.”

“Hyung,” He groans.

The frustration finally reached Yeonjun with tense shoulders. “Did… Am I doing something that upsets you again?”

Yes. “No,” Taehyun shook his head. “I’ll wait.”

The thick atmosphere somehow melted when Yeonjun finally beamed. “Okay. I have to tell you something later, okay? Wait for me in the living room.”

It was inviting, yet Taehyun settled with plopping his things on the kitchen island. He was too tired to even question every little thing that confused him. “I want to stay. Can I watch you?”

Yeonjun’s smile only grew.

☾

HYUN Thread PrettyBoy

He's a fantasy. I can't believe that I could see him in a light that nobody else can.

And I love, love him. My life has been a constant cycle of me falling in love with him, and he will never know how much I feel.

What now? It never was a problem before when I learned how to be carefree, but I felt pain so great that I forgot how to love without being afraid. Yeonjun is a dream, I didn't think he would ever love me back beyond an alternate reality, but what's this now? Why is he sleeping in my bed? Why is he calling me beautiful? Why is he kissing me close?

It's sending me in a spiral, but I was sure of one thing.

If he tells me he loves me, I'll never find the strength to leave again.

[Saved as Draft]

☾

“HYUNG.”

“Hm?”

“Let’s be friends.”

☾

THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS that Taehyun is great at; acing his majors, correcting the uneven strands of his hair, preparing coffee that just suits Yeonjun’s taste, and apparently—driving Yeonjun insane. To the limit.

What Taehyun wasn’t great at, unfortunately, was losing. After playing mouse with Yeonjun who played as a predator chasing its prey for so long, there was only one way to end the fiasco Yeonjun had placed them in. But he starts with nothing.

“Hyung, are you okay?” He tipped his head to get a response from the other but to no avail.

Taehyun had nothing on his sleeve, he merely had it laid before them when they ate dinner. Homemade. It’s a little jarring to use that term when he once searched for home in Yeonjun’s presence and now he’s here.

“Friends,” Yeonjun stuttered. He stuttered. His eyes wavered and came washing were emotions he wasn’t planning on feeling tonight. “Oh,” He said. “You want us to be friends.”

“Like you said.”

You. Yeonjun didn’t miss the emphasis on that word. It was as if Taehyun got him figured out and knew how to press his buttons to the maximum. “Like I said... Us, friends,” He was trying to comprehend. He was, after all, the one who pulled the whole joke from the beginning. Now it was backfiring over his well-made pasta.

And Taehyun. Oh, Taehyun. He had the guts to smile ever so innocently. A menace. His menace. “Yeah, actual friends. Like how we used to in high school.”

“I don’t sleep with my friends,” Yeonjun declared, a little too confident.

That’s when Taehyun ever slightly faltered before coming back. “Was that necessary?”

“We can’t be friends after that, Taehyun. I don’t just sleep with anybody,” Yeonjun huffed. “I never wanted us to just be friends in the first place. Back then, it was the only option I had to see you, so I took it as it is. I didn’t care how dumb it was before, but hearing it now, I thing I’m going to puke my guts out.”

“You may.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say after all of that?”

Taehyun gulps down what he just chewed. The meal was irrelevant at this point. “I already told you everything, hyung. When I left. You never said anything to make me stay.”

It was still a blur, but Taehyun could never fully forget the way Yeonjun wished him goodbye. He was there. He could have done something to stop Taehyun from leaving but he didn’t. And now that Taehyun’s gone, Yeonjun thought it was a good chance to pull him back all over again.

Taehyun was, and is still, very much in love with him, but if Yeonjun won’t give him a reason to try again, then why should it even be in his mind? He’s been there, he’s done that. It’s not a pleasant feeling to love alone, and it’s not a feeling he would want to have again.

“Can I be honest?” It’s everything that Taehyun wanted.

“Please.”

“I think I love you from the very beginning.”

“Think?” Taehyun had to make sure.

And Yeonjun seemed hesitant. Or maybe he was nervous. His grip on his chopsticks was tight like he’s bracing for something to come. Taehyun, this time, didn’t have to read him to understand. It was the first time that Yeonjun finally found a voice to tell Taehyun something he wanted to know. “I know I love you.”

“You-”

“Let me,” Yeonjun cuts him off instantly, breath hitching. “Do you remember when we were in high school and we would watch crappy rom-coms in your dorm?”

Taehyun nods. “You would bring fried chicken.”

“I would bring fried chicken. I would. And you would let me eat on your floor even though you’re such a clean-freak.”

“I am not.”

“You are,” Yeonjun ends the argument with this. “Times like that never felt different. It didn’t excite me, it didn’t bore me either. I didn’t care if you fell asleep somewhere during the movie or if I fell asleep while we’re still talking, being there just felt so calm and normal and-” He paused. “Coming to you always felt peaceful, and I thought it was like that with everybody.”

“Was it?” Taehyun had to ask, wanting to know if Yeonjun had something to say.

Yeonjun shakes his head with a growing smile. “No. It was just you,” he said. “The moment I realized that nobody else was going to make me feel the way you do, was the moment I tried to convince myself that nobody would make me feel that way at all. Not even you. Especially you.”

“I don’t understand. If you weren’t planning on anything then why get me into this. We were fine, hyung.”

“We were not fine, Taehyun. You could barely look me in the eyes! And the- the coffee hangouts? You don’t even like coffee, Taehyun. Do you think I don’t know what you were doing?” Yeonjun was teetering towards a cry. “You were making me feel different. And I didn’t like it. I hated it. You treat me the same way as the people you had to tolerate, and it made me sick in the gut.”

“I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t,” Yeonjun calmed down. There was no use to getting mad. “You didn’t, but it made me feel that way.”

Taehyun knew he wasn’t innocent. He solely blamed it on the time, the growth, and the distance, but he had his fair share of blame when he grew ashamed of the feelings he harbored through the years. Yeonjun was his friend before anything, but he forgot about that for the longest time.

But still. “So, you thought it would be fun to play with my feelings and lead me to this?” He retorted. It wasn’t something he thought well of before spitting it out for Yeonjun to hear.

“What, no!” Yeonjun stood from his place. The movement alone made Taehyun lean back in surprise. Like this, Yeonjun loomed huge. He was already taller, but with the suppressed tension his presence seemed heavier. “I proposed because I wanted to be with you, but I..”

Taehyun still crossed his arms. “You proposed because you wanted to be with me?” It didn’t sound believable.

“I was impatient,” Yeonjun huffed. “I felt like I’m taking a very long time, and I didn’t want to wait. It terrified me to know that I could mess this up and I’ll lose you forever, so I wanted to be sure while letting you know that I wanted to love you the way you do.”

“And I’m sorry for telling you this now, when the damage is done. I love you, Taehyun. Even then, I do. I just didn’t know for the longest time, but now it’s all I think about when I’m with you.”

“You’re stupid,” Taehyun whispered. He never looked away, but somehow he was still in a daze. “You’re so stupid.”

“I’ll be anything you want me to be,” Yeonjun comes closer and Taehyun can’t breathe. It’s only when the distance ceased to exist when he remembered how to gasp for air before diving into a kiss he met halfway.

And he was reminded of everything Yeonjun was with a single touch. The trembling of his lips as it moves with ease, the gentleness of his hands around warm cheeks, and the heating gaze of his tongue on the seams of soft lips. Yeonjun was everything combined, kissing Taehyun with certainty laced with fear, and a muttering of all he wanted to convey.

“I love you.”

Taehyun smiled with a heart that ached in glee and learned how to wrap his arms around Yeonjun’s neck to tug him close. “I heard you the first time,” He’s lifted up to the kitchen island, and merely had time to fix himself before getting drowned in the same love Yeonjun surrounded him with.

Just say the words and I’ll come to you.

☾

HYUN Thread! PrettyBoy

Hello. I have no time, but basically my boyfriend found this forum and read one of my posts about him and now I have to delete everything before he reads more.

Bye.

ㅤㅤ

CYJ Answer NickWilde

Too late, babe.

ㅤㅤ

HYUN Thread! PrettyBoy

Fuck.

ㅤㅤ

Endolphin Answer MolangLover

At least it’s your boyfriend who found your posts.

ㅤㅤ

BEN Answer TeddyBear

I can be the boyfriend who found your posts.

ㅤㅤ

Endolphin Answer MolangLover

For the last time, if I were to get back with an ex-boyfriend, you would be at the last of the list.

ㅤㅤ

BEN Answer TeddyBear

I’m on the list?!

GOING TO THE BEACH wasn’t the plan. It was so early in the morning when Yeonjun came knocking on Taehyun’s dorm room, his lips trembling and eyes red with remnants of tears, and he didn’t need words to know that holding Yeonjun was a start to where they’ll be later.

And now, Yeonjun was standing on sea stones, pressing the sole of his shoes. The calm sand was trampled on from early footsteps and playful fingers that drew words. If Taehyun didn’t know any better, he’d think it was a secret language that they only shared, now gone from the sea waves that climbed their way up with a mission to efface every single one.

“The sun is rising,” Taehyun said behind the phone, holding it up for the camera to hit Yeonjun’s eyes. “Do you want me to take pictures of you?”

Yeonjun smiled. “Yeah.”

Will you remember this? Taehyun mused with short breaths in every take. He was still too young to know why Yeonjun looked so pretty even after he cried. Eyes twinkling and hair falling all over the place, dancing in the wind with the flush of his cheek. On moments when questions don’t belong are moments when reasons don't matter, yet Taehyun already knew the alibi to his weak knees when Yeonjun smiled with the redness of his nose at nineteen.

“Do you want to ask about what happened?” Yeonjun asked in the air. Unconsciously bringing Taehyun’s head back from the clouds when their eyes meet one-sided. The camera falls low enough for Taehyun’s face to show, but he lets out no answer. “I broke up with Soobin.”

“Oh,” was what Taehyun could only find himself to say. Words didn’t seem fair when they started scrambling away from his mind. “That sucks,” He mustered up to babble like an eloquent scholar he was.

But it was enough for Yeonjun to crack into a fit of laughter. “You’re not great at this, aren’t you?”

Taehyun shrugged, hands having a mind of its own when the camera came back up. It rendered silly candid shots of Yeonjun making fun of his pathetic talent to comfort people, yet he’s never seen anything as pure as it. “Did the sea not give it away?”

“No, I don’t need the sea to feel better,” The shaking of Yeonjun’s head wasn’t enough to paint him every picture of what he meant. Taehyun forgot that despite not having anything to offer, Yeonjun still came to him. “But the sea seems to always go with you, Taehyun.”

[📃: This was something I wrote in a month or two and was posted on my main account first before coming here. Needless to say that this is not the best of what I can do, but this was what impatience brings! Also, the last part is from the mistranslation to Yeonjun’s caption on a TAEJUN post. I thought it was so cute.]

14 notes · View notes

petricorah · 1 month

Text

scenes i loved from Real Enough to Get Me Through by @marriedzukka <333 [ids in alt]

#zukka #zukka fanart #sokka #sokka fanart #zuko #zuko fanart #atla #atla fanart #avatar the last airbender #zukka fic rec #myart #yall. yall. dani. this FIC #first off it made me cry twice. not like 'oh im crying' internet speak no. like. eyes are too blurry to read let me stop this for a sec #it is SO GOOD #your prose? amazing #your insights on grief? life changing #THEM??? THEM their relationship and trust #'zuko looked at him and his world shifted on its axis'#ive been thinking about that line for WEEKS STRAIGHT #i can't tell you how many passages i screenshot just because of how beautiful or cute they were #the moment of seeing the painting of sokka's mom? how did you manage to make it so telling character wise--so sweet so PAINful AND so #cute with their relationship?!!?!#'oh so you think i'm beautiful too'#GOD #i had so many scenes i wanted to draw it was crazy #also #'Our loved ones leave impressions on us that can still impact our decisions and feelings even after they're gone'#fuck. had me crying AGAIN #seriously this fic is so wonderful and not just through a zukka lens. truly life changing you're an AMAZING writer #the fandom is so lucky to have you and i can't Believe it took me so long to get around to reading this masterpiece

1K notes · View notes

punchedlines · 2 months

Text

"the parallels between Bruce and the robins all becoming orphans young" ok that's nice but the parallels between Bruce and Cass both having lost their innocence after being confronted with death at 8 years old. The way they both have let the grief, the guilt, the impotence haunt them ever since and transformed it into more. The way they both, though in different ways, lost their parent(s). The way that the traumatic instances (and their upbringing until then) couldn't have been more different, yet it affected them so similarly and are the pillars for their current moral code and suicidal tendencies. Can't think about them too much or I go insane

#Batman #batgirl #Bruce Wayne #Cassandra Cain #batgirl 2000 #batfam #I also think its worth noting Cass first realizes about Batmans identity while seeing that tear streaked childhood picture of him #which is so interesting because his eyes are the portion most obscured by the cowl. she'd never seen his eyes before #she really read his grief his pain his loneliness and it clicked immediately because THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME #dc comics

1K notes · View notes

royalarchivist · 4 months

Text

Tubbo: I swear to God, Chat - I promise you, if it's the last thing I do, I am going to break up Fit and Pac.

Mike passed the crown of #1 Hideduo hater to Tubbo, and Tubbo took that title very seriously.

[ Full Subtitle Transcript ↓ ]

Pac: I have a date with Fit tomorrow! You know the news, Tubbo?

[ Tubbo's Homophobic Arc ]

Pac: I got a date with Fit tomorrow!

Tubbo: You're - no... You're kidding..

Pac: Yeah, for real! Look - Mike shaved my hair you know, and gave me a new outfit so I can be like, sharp for tomorrow. ...You guys like it? You like it, Sunny?

[Judgemental silence]

Tubbo: That's so cool man, what he hell. That's fckin' sick.

Pac: Yeah, thank you! I knew it, I knew you'd- Oh, thank you, Sunny! I knew you guys were gonna love it, you know? I knew it.

Tubbo: I swear to God- I swear to God- We need to add homophobia to the QSMP, I swear to God- I swear to God-

Tubbo: Guys, I have to do everything in my power to break them up. What do you mean "no"?! This is awful, Sunny! This is awful!

Sunny: But why Pa?

Tubbo: THEY WERE NEVER MEANT TO GET TOGETHER! The stars told me so! They were never meant to actually get together!

Sunny: WHY PA

Tubbo: It's just wrong, Sunny! It's just wrong! I dunno how to explain it to you. It's just wrong!

Sunny: But it's loveeeee

Tubbo: ...If that's what you want to call it.

Tubbo: HOW IS THERE GONNA BE ENOUGH SPACE BETWEEN THEM FOR ME NOW, SUNNY?!

Sunny: You're telling me you've never been in love Pa?

Tubbo: Listen, it's just not right.

Sunny: But I like bodyguard Fit and driver Pac :(

Tubbo: I like them too! They're my best friends! But they can't be together.

Sunny: I think you are projecting

Tubbo: PROJECTING WHAT? HUH!?

Sunny: I will find you someone, Pa.

Tubbo: I DON'T WANT SOMEONE! I DON'T WANT SOMEONE IT ONLY SERVES TO DISAPPOINT ME AND GET MY HOPES UP AND LEAVE ME- LEAVE ME NOTHING BUT A SHELL! A SHELL OF A MAN!

Tubbo: Sunny - They're gonna hurt each other, Sunny- they're gonna hurt each other! And how will there be enough space between them for me now?

Sunny: Why would they do that if they care for each other?

Tubbo: People that care about each other, Sunny, hurt each other all the time! ALL THE TIME!

Sunny: But I care about you, and I don't hurt you.

Tubbo: No, that's different! That's different! The love that we have for each other is unconditional. Ok?

Sunny: Pa, I think you're just scared.

Tubbo: I'm not scared, I'm logical. All flags look red when you're wearing rose-tinted glasses.

Tubbo: [In response to Sunny talking about Aypierre's agreement to build her a statue] You already have a statue! [Sunny hits him] Ow!

Tubbo: What about the one Fit and Ramon made you for your birthday? [Tubbo has an idea] See? Do you think Fit would have time to do stuff like that if he's too- if he's too preoccupied with his little shag buddy? I don't think so! I don't think so!

Sunny: Wait.

Tubbo: See? You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying!

Sunny: You have a good point now

Tubbo: See? You under- yes, exactly! We HAVE to break them up! They can still be friends! Fck it, friends with benefits! But they cannot be together. We cannot let them.

Sunny: OK I'M IN

Tubbo: [Claps] I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU! I knew I could count on you!

[Looking at fanart of Pac, Fit, and himself]

Tubbo: We- we have to split them up. We have to fckin' split them up. Oh, but I'm in this one! Oh, that's so-[Realizes it's him crying as a third-wheel] SEE?! SEE?! THEY KNEW! THEY KNEW! THEY FCKIN' KNEW! THEY FCKIN' KNEW!

Tubbo: [In a thick "red-blooded American" accent] Wha- I just don't understand why they have 'ta keep shoving it down our throats! Goddamnit! I JUST WISH IT WASN'T MY SMP! [He hits his desk and laughs]

Dono: Streamer becomes homophobic 'cause he can't get any

Tubbo:

Tubbo: Sunny, I'm just gonna need to brb for a moment.

Tubbo: [Stands up from his desk, walks away, and screams]

Tubbo: I swear to God, Chat - I promise you - if it's the last thing I do, I am going to break up Fit and Pac.

603 notes · View notes

sysig · 4 months

Photo

Two skeletons in a trench lab coat (Patreon)

Bonus:

He’s very careful! Everything was fine before you interrupted!

#Doodles #Handplates #UT #FJdlsafjdsf Handplates fuzzes my brain #I cannot tell you how weird it feels to draw Gaster with the Lost Soul head after all this time away haha #It drops me back into the person I was when I first read Handplates - for better or for worse. It's a very strange feeling #Even drawing Sans and Papyrus again sends me back! Not as strongly but certain little details stand out #Sans' eyes especially... Very strange feeling #Anyhow! Since Fellplates sent me back down the rabbit hole and I've gotten back into rereading lightly - still not a full commitment!#Maybe soon tho 👀 I feel like I always say that haha #But in the meantime thinking of the pre-Plates Handplates time period <3 Since that's the one I'm still most familiar with haha #I love when they're still growing and learning ♪ Scaffolded baby talk! Twin language! Love 'em ♥#And fearless* mischievous little troublemakers hehe #They're so cute <3 I love the little ways they interact as young'uns - like when Papyrus will just lift Sans by his arms lol #I'd been thinking about and then had to go read the one of Sans as a the blanket/coat tickle monster and then - this ✨#''Excuse me sir I'd like One Ticket to the R Rated movie I am an adult Monster'' lol #Probably another one of those moments where Gaster is just *nervously sweats in Dad* lol - stop being so cute!#Also there's no particular meaning to when I use WingDings for his text :P Just convenience and if I remember to lol #Comics where he talks a lot are not convenient XP I have enough trouble editing on this paper ugh I will Not miss it when it's done #Even attempted this comic in as few pencil strokes/erasing as possible and it was still a pain to work with! >:0 Rude #Doubly so that I've had a Handplates comic idea for past like - year lol - and /this/ was the first one I finished pfftbl #To be fair to the other I do want to at least attempt making it a look-alike hehe ♪ You know how it is with Ideas™#I can't be too mad about it haha ♫ It did turn out quite cute after all :3

714 notes · View notes

ratbastarddotfuck · 1 year

Text

Tumblr terf: *telling me I trust the medical system "way too much" bc I don't think elective hysterectomies are evil*

Me: *laughs in disabled, chronically ill, fat transmasc*

#i dont trust the medical system but i do trust people who say theyre in pain #it's that fucking simple!#the system speaks #like jesus do the reading baby you can fit so much medical trauma in this me and by god they're trying

1K notes · View notes

crow-with-a-pencil · 8 months

Text

Hi @naffeclipse I'm very normal about your fic. Have some frantic midnight sketches as extra kudos along with some tag rambling :)

#my ârt #crush depth #crush depth spoilers #fnaf #tw blood #tw drowning #idk how many others apply #anyways this is midnight crow coming out of the shadow realm to scream at you #first of all a cs ramble is on the way I'm still recovering from that fic too #im biting you naff im biting you so dang hard #I don't even know much about iron lung besides watching a play through but damn do you make me want to know more #just. where do I even start. the atmosphere is established so well and even though there was such a small space to work with I FELT it #I felt the claustrophobia I felt the walls and the console and the single dim lightbulb as my only solace in this death trap #the THOUGHTS #poor yn had so much time to just get lost in their head and spiral pretty much constantly #the dread. the constant overhanging dread of knowing there's a 99% chance they're not getting out of there alive and at this point #they just want to accept it and let it end bc there's hardly anything to go back to if they live #naff. look at me. reading some parts made my chest actually tighten with dread. it was so well done.#this poor human just buried in existential horror and just wanting it to end in a slightly less painful way #and the unknowable beings trapped outside who absolutely REFUSE to let that happen #god those eldritch fish were trying their hardest but just couldn't get in #yn was trapped inside while they were trapped outside and I just #I am EXPLODING the more I think about it #thinking about when they thought they were drowning and tried to breathe again #wanting to die but still having that instinct to survive #asking to be ripped apart but still cherishing their last breath of air #I'm shaking you I'm shaking you I'm dying on the floor #ough.#I'll never mentally recover from this and I want you to know I genuinely get inspired by your writing #this has been midnight crow ramblings. I just hit the tag limit. have a lovely night.

285 notes · View notes

michaeljoncarter · 2 years

Text

it really is starting to feel like every single person at dc has somehow just completely forgotten how storytelling works on a fundamental level. like i genuinely believe 99% of the problems they’re having could be solved if all the writers and the entire editorial staff was forced to take a middle school reading class

#eta since im p sure this is getting recced to people as just the first part: theres a longass addition in the notes lol #all the new news about dark crisis is making me want to actually jump off a cliff it's so bad #and ive been catching up on modern stuff and like #comparing marvel and dc rn is genuinely painful <3 #like i don't super love a lot of what marvel's putting out right now #but idk man #like marauders is probably my least favorite of what ive read in the past few weeks #but even in that everyone feels like a solid character with an actual personality and a history that's referenced #the way they're written is super annoying but you can at least tell the person who's writing them has actually bothered to read up on them #continuity is still a little messy but at least it... exists. and there's a canon to draw from instead of just 'everything is canon!'#u g h #im holding back a whole novella length tirade about this god god god

2K notes · View notes

julesart04 · 2 months

Text

111 notes · View notes

quickhacked · 4 months

Text

Mikhail and Vitali were inseparable; when they weren’t studying or getting into fights, they would hang out at Mikhail’s place to smoke and get drunk on cheap rum and vodka, to then pass out in each other’s arms and sleep most of the next day away. They promised each other— no matter what would happen— they would never leave each other’s side. Yet after starting university and college respectively, they did not see each other for a little over six years, leaving them both heartbroken and wondering what went wrong.

by lucas expedidor // catch me if you can; eden // clementine von radics, from 'courtney love prays to oregon' // sam sax, cruising: a broken tiara // 'ceramic home' by heavensghost; quote from john murillo // 'something's changed' by laiikastears // i don't want to watch the world end with someone else; clinton kane // fortesa latifi, from 'the truth about grief' // audre lorde, the evening news // frank o'hara, biotherm (for bill berkson) // heading home; ruben // 'preface to a dream' by alessandra casini // tokyo; caroline kole // langston hughes, poem // haruki murakami, norwegian wood // julie buntin, marlena // by lute // by aleksandr popov // anyway; noah kahan // christa wolf, cassandra: a novel and four essays

#cp2077 #edit:mikhail #edit:vitali #nuclearocs #nuclearedits #happy birthday to my two boys :^) yes they share the same birthday what about it. it's essential to their whole. thing #whatever it is. they're like soulmates but also they are NOT dating. i need you to understand that. because it makes everything funnier #you guys remember when i first introduced them here and people thought they were together. good times honestly #but yeah no vitali is officially dating vincent and mikhail is just their eternal third wheel. their relationship can't be defined #they also reunite of course but i LOVE emphasizing their grief. they didn't know they'd ever see each other again #and they've known each other since around age 12. imagine spending almost every day with someone who CHOSE you #and then suddenly not seeing them or talking to them for YEARS. what do you do with that grief. that pain #sure they've found each other back but what do you do with that. where do you put it. it makes me insane!!!#they both were so lonely in their own way. vitali getting lost in vices and crowds but ending up all by himself at the end of the day #and mikhail drowning himself in studying and pushing himself far over his limits just to distract himself from the hole in his chest #night city in my head is much more massive than what it feels like in game. like yeah it feels big but not. BIG big #and i think mikhail and vitali's story and them losing contact while only a district apart really emphasizes how like #how HUGE this city is not only in terms of actual land it covers but also just. how overwhelming it is. how it can swallow you whole #anyway if you've read all of this hi. wanna make out

88 notes · View notes

demodraws0606 · 17 days

Text

You know I think there is something interesting to say in terms of where the fuck WxS is going because like

I think WxS is the only unit where the end goal or overall progression is probably the most unknown out of all of them ???

MMJ and VBS are extremely obvious, they both have the most explicit goals that are said to us in a straightforward way

25-ji, in the end we know the main goal at the end will be for all of the characters to go over their hurdles with Mafuyu finally being able to find herself and move forward

Leo/need is probably the closest in terms of vagueness but we know the end goal is clear for them to grow as a band, probably ending in a big concert or something along those lines

But with WxS...like I guess the closest thing I can see to an end goal is all of WxS preparing a show together with everyone playing their part but that definitely doesn't feel like something you'd build up for an entire arc and definitely not something that feels fitting after the emotional turmoil that was the disbandement arc ???

In terms of physical achievements as well they literally revived an entire parc through one gigantic show, so it just comes into question what they can do now.

Then you look at their first few event for this arc considering usually the first event kinda set up what will be planned for the future but it's...weird.

Yeah, Tsukasa and Rui's events set up they're inexperienced and how they will grow in the future but also there is this weird feeling of something feeling off ?

The plays/scripts all are strangely depressing, the play in Tsukasa's event being about a failed writer planning to drown himself (which I believe is one of the only undeniable explicit description of suicide ever in the game?????) and the second being someone whose given up on life meeting their estranged sister only for her to become ill.

We even have Emu's side story in Rui's event where they watched the movie Rin was watching during the event made by the same producer and Emu herself note how depressing the story is (meanwhile the main character of the movie clearly parallels Rui)

We don't see the conclusion of these in-game stories as well, lingering on their worst moment never really seeing the presumably happy conclusion.

THEN we also have Emukasa fes which....again strangely different in tone from what you'd expect a WxS fes card, they're not really all that conclusive either. Tsukasa never aknowledges how he relates to the brother in the story and Emu doesn't really get a conclusion on her grief.

Then we also have Rui's entire fuckign event with the cards and his cyberpunk deadbo-YOU SEE WHAT IM SAYING

The closest we fucking have to knowing what WxS's fucking endgoal towards the story is, is fucking WL which....TELLS US NOTHING

At least with VBS we know that they're goal is to go even further beyond and conquer the whole world, that is a developpement of their goal.

What I'm saying is I don't know what the fuck colorpalet is cooking wiht WxS but I feel like i'm a fucking twilight zone reading the way they're writing WxS now because I can't be the only one feeling insane at how weird all of this is

#wxs #wonderlandxshowtime #project sekai #pjsk #prsk #wxs prsk #wxs pjsk #reading this fucking unit feels like i'm stuck in a strange hell dimension where everything just feels like foreshadowing or some kind of #fucking wink colorpalet is oding at me like it's not the first time they've done insane foreshadowing with wxs #in fact its the norm #i wish i could know what goes on in their head when they write these clowns cos i swear i can't understand what the fuck they're doing #like with other units i can geyt like a general idea #but like WxS ????#they could go literally anywhere with them #i guess going to broadway could be like a huge goal but like ?????#it doesn't FEEL WxS yknow ?#especially after the disbandement arc which we technically haven't gotten really a conclusion for because...Emu's still gonna come back ??#So like what do we do when Emu comes back to Pheonix Wonderland ?????????????#Cos I do think WxS would want to come back to perform but ESPECIALLY nene's dreams are kind of incompatible with that #cos we know she wants to perform all over the world like her idol #It's just #I guess I'm waiting to see what kind of unholy bullshit colorpalet has for us after the pain that was the disbandement arc #i was also tired while writing this so if this seems extremely rambly thats why #i'm just losing my mind

34 notes · View notes

khattikeri · 2 days

Text

maybe a controversial opinion but while i really love jiang cheng as a character he is deeply self-centered as a person. and seeing people fight tooth and nail claiming he isn't, or is just misunderstood, or that he has genuine valid reasons to be selfish when plenty of other characters make the difficult choice to forego status and opportunities for what they believe is genuinely right to do (read: wei wuxian, wen ning, wen qing, lan wangji, jiang yanli, mianmian, etc.)

it's just odd to me. especially if they're talking about the novels.

mxtx didn't give jiang cheng the name "sandu shengshou" as a quirky coincidence. there's a REASON she named him & his sword after the 3 poisons of Buddhism (specifically ignorance, greed, and hatred). it's crucial to the story that jiang cheng is NOT selfless and that wei wuxian IS.

it's important to accept that wei wuxian is, by their society's standards, not morally gray; he represents several Buddhist ideals in direct contrast of jiang cheng and multiple people attest to wei wuxian's strong moral character, which is a lot of why jiang cheng even feels bitter about him to begin with.

it's crucial, because by the end of the novel jiang cheng realizes the extent of this and begins to let go!

the twin prides thing wasn't jiang cheng wanting them to 100% mirror the twin jades. he does care about wei wuxian, but he wanted wei wuxian to stay his right hand man, in part the way wei changze was for jiang fengmian.

and if there's one thing you can notice about wei changze in the novels, it's that literally nobody talks about him. he is only ever mentioned when his cool mysterious mountain sect wife cangse-sanren is mentioned, or (even more rarely) when they discuss him as a servant to jiang fengmian. regardless of jiang fengmian's own feelings, wei changze was considered lesser to him and didn't seem to outdo him, since nobody's out there years later still waxing poetry about wei changze's skills.

it may not be the only thing jiang cheng wants out of a twin pride dynamic, but it is a big part of it. regardless of his parents' intentions in taking wei wuxian in and treating him certain ways, this twin pride right-hand man thing is what jiang cheng has felt owed since childhood. he gave up his dogs for wei wuxian, people gossip about his sect heir position with wei wuxian there... jiang cheng wants the reciprocation of what he views as personal sacrifices.

he is ignorant to the depth of what wei wuxian must've suffered for over 6 years as a malnourished orphan child on the streets. he hates how wei wuxian's intelligence, witty charm, and cultivation abilities are naturally stronger than his own. he does care about wei wuxian a lot and want them to be together as sort of-brothers, sort of-friends, sort of-young master and sect servant...

...but if it's between that unclear (yet still caring) relationship and being able to save himself just a little bit more, jiang cheng nearly always manages to clam up in the face of danger and choose the latter, which ultimately benefits himself most. maybe it's a stretch to call that sort of thing greed, but it certainly isn't selfless.

there are of course plenty of justifications for this. it's his duty as sect heir. his home and sect was severely damaged by the wen attack and subsequent war; he had to protect himself, etc.

but doesn't that prove the point?

wei wuxian may be charming, but in terms of pure social standing, he is lower and far more susceptible to being punished or placed in harm's way by people who have more power and money. to protect wei wuxian, yunmeng jiang's long-term head disciple and semi-family member, even in the face of backlash and public scrutiny would've been the selfless thing to do. this is what wei wuxian does for the wen remnants in the burial mounds.

jiang cheng does not choose this. it's not even an unreasonable choice for him to make! nobody else in the great clans is doing such a thing, stepping out of line to take on a burden that could weaken them in the long-run. wei wuxian himself doesn't hate jiang cheng for it; he lets go of these things and focuses on what good he can do in the present.

jiang cheng thinks further into the future - what would happen to him if he continued vouching for wei wuxian and taking his side? what about jiang cheng's face, his sect's face? would wei wuxian even care to reciprocate somehow? everyone expects him to cut off wei wuxian for being dangerous, for threatening his position, for...

do you see what i mean? to call jiang cheng selfless for falling in line with exactly what people expected him to do after the war is not only wrong, it's foolish.

"but they faked their falling-out!" okay. why fake it to begin with, except to protect jiang cheng and the jiang sect's own face? is that selfless? who does it ultimately serve to protect? wei wuxian canonically internalizes the idea that he stains all that he touches, including lan wangji, and agrees to the fake fight because he doesn't want to cause the jiang sect harm. regardless, it eventually slides into a true falling-out, and in the end jiang cheng is more or less unscathed reputation-wise while wei wuxian falls.

that isn't selfless. it's many things! it's respecting his clan and his ancestors, it's making a good plan for the future of his sect and cultivation... but it isn't a truly selfless in the interest of what's right rather than in the interest of duty and what's good for him and his family lineage.

that brings me to my next point: even though wei wuxian hid the truth of the golden core transfer, jiang cheng spent nearly 20 years believing that the golden core "renewal" he was given was a birthright gift of wei wuxian's from baoshan-sanren, an immortal sect teacher of wei wuxian's mother's and a martial elder to wei wuxian.

of course we all know that's a big fat lie, but jiang cheng believed that wei wuxian gave up a critical emergency use gift to him for decades! he was lied to, yes, but jiang cheng immediately agreed without even needing to be convinced. the light in his dead eyes came back with hope the moment wei wuxian even said baoshan-sanren's name. he accepted wei wuxian's offer to give that up to him and take it via identity theft without missing a beat.

with how mysterious and revered baoshan-sanren is, that's obviously not a light sacrifice to just give up to anyone, no matter how close they might be to you. pretending to be wei wuxian to take the gift could even be considered dangerous. what if she found out and got offended? could wei wuxian be hurt by that?

jiang cheng doesn't even hesitate. wei wuxian is the one who mentions that if jiang cheng doesn't pretend to be him, the immortal master could get angry and they'd both be goners. and funnily enough, the day they do go to "the mountain", jiang cheng is the one worried and suspiciously wondering if wei wuxian was lying to him or had misremembered.

of course they've both been traumatized like hell prior to this point. but still: it speaks to how broken he was at the moment as well as to his character overall.

i digress: jiang cheng "gets his golden core back" via what he believed was a gift that should've been wei wuxian's to use in serious emergencies. rather than use it for himself, wei wuxian risked his own safety and gave it to jiang cheng... and jiang cheng still ends up embittered and angry, believing that wei wuxian is arrogant and selfish.

if he truly views them as 100% brothers and equals with no caveats, why would he think that way? it's not like he needs to grovel before wei wuxian for doing that, or to reciprocate... but this is what i mean when i say jiang cheng feels he is owed things by wei wuxian. wei wuxian's actions hold a very different weight in jiang cheng's mind, and jiang cheng himself doesn't ever act the same way, except once.

is it wrong for him to feel like he is owed something? it depends. many asian cultures, including my own, feel that a person owes their family in ways that may not make sense to westerners. for example, it's considered normal for a child to owe their parents for giving birth to them, or to other caretakers for feeding, clothing, sheltering, educating them, etc.

however, something like verbally saying "thank you" or "i'm sorry" to family is considered crazy- why would you owe that? you're supposed to inconvenience your family; saying thank you or sorry is the sort of thing you say to a stranger or acquaintance. i get half-seriously lectured by my elders on this a lot even now, even though they know such phrases are just considered good manners in the US.

this muddies up the idea of wei wuxian being jiang cheng's family vs his family's charge or servant even more. jiang cheng wants wei wuxian to be close... but ultimately doesn't really choose to use what power he DOES have to protect wei wuxian. he considers himself still owed something that in his mind wei wuxian flagrantly never repays.

this isn't even getting into how despite spending a majority of his time with the yiling patriarch he never once noticed that wei wuxian stopped using any spiritual power-based cultivation. even lan wangji, who met them far more rarely, realized that something was wrong and that wei wuxian had taken some sort of spiritual damage, hence the "come with me to gusu".

of course manpain is fun and i'm not immune to the juicy idea of them reconciling and talking things out... but jiang cheng is deeply mired in his own desire to be "above" wei wuxian in multiple ways, and doesn't realize the extent of wei wuxian's actions, the intentions behind them, and the consequences wei wuxian knowingly faced for them.

to not recognize this about jiang cheng, especially in the novels, is really revisionist if you ask me. i reiterate that i really do like him a lot. he's flawed, angry, traumatized and has poor coping mechanisms, an overall fascinating character... but he is not selfless nor ideal, and i seriously draw the line at people saying he is.

wen ning shoves this all into his face at lotus pier to disastrous results. it is the reason why jiang cheng's a total mess at guanyin temple, and the reason jiang cheng ultimately doesn't tell wei wuxian about the fact that he ran towards the wens on purpose.

for that one last act of his to have really been selfless, he needs to not seek anything in return. he did it purely because it was right to do to protect someone else. if that means wei wuxian never finds out about it, so be it.

that moment that ended up causing jiang cheng irreversible harm is not a debt that wei wuxian owes him. it hurts, but no matter how bitter it is, that realization is so important to him changing in the future.

#keri chats #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #jiang cheng #long post #this is NOT anti/crit for him btw i like him a lot i just feel like nobody interprets him the way i perceive him #which even then my interpretation is p nebulous... worth saying i also heavily disagree w ppl who think of him as an evil shithead #he's upper class & steeped in jianghu politics/self preservation. flawed as hell human being but they're all war criminals lbr it's #Magical Genocide and War Crimes: The Novel #anyway this post is messy as fuck but if u read all of it: thank u. if u agree with me: ilu. i wish more ppl understood revenge ethics #as they stand in asian cultures and history vs in western (almost always culturally christian) cultures #it's unclear how far in the future the extras are but at one pt he's ''the same as ever'' which at best indicates slow emotional growth #and like. ykw? i don't think he'll be repressed bitter angry thinking abt his losses n pain forever. i think he can grow i believe in him #i have so many thoughts on this i could've made this post go on forever augh

40 notes · View notes

strawurberries · 1 year

Note

i loved your post about vash and reader’s stretch marks. i was wondering if you could write something where the reader is afraid of getting fat, so she skips meals or replaces them with water?

Missed Meals

Summary: Vash notices a change in his companion's behavior. Worried, he decides to confront her.

Authors Note: I'm glad you liked my other post! I hope you like this one as well (though I'm a little nervous because I got stuck writing this and I'm afraid it came out bad). Also, just want to add, I've struggled with eating disorders before (not from self-image but more like Vash's "I don't deserve to eat") so I understand. Everyone is beautiful in their own right and deserves to eat!!! Love all of you guys!!

Warnings: Self-hate, eating disorder.

It started off small; giving her bread to Milly instead of finishing it off, ordering a lighter meal instead of the usual hardy one she adored, and sometimes she simply said, “I’m not that hungry”. But actions like hers always lead to a slippery slope, one that tends to wrap its dirt-crusted nails around its victim and drag them into an early grave. She had never been someone who ate enough to feed an entire village, but not even she could survive on sips of water and the guilty crumbs she rarely allowed herself to consume. After a while though, it became natural, second nature to head off to bed while the sun still hung in the sky, claiming that exhaustion outweighed her hunger—which, she supposed, wasn’t all a lie.

The best lie, she had been told once, is the one that includes the truth.

Now, she recalled that advice as she sat at a table in the back of this dingy town bar. What should she say? What could she say? Recently she had been using up all her excuses left and right, the hunger in her belly growing and the pain in her heart becoming ever more sharp. The group had decided to stop by a local bar before heading to the hotel for the night, nearly everyone complaining about the rough day that had been forced to suffer through. And, to them, a drink was something they were eager to welcome. She, if she hadn’t been too preoccupied with her stomach pains, probably would’ve ordered a whiskey to clear her head of every annoying little thought.

She opted for water though. The least she could do was drink water; she owed it to herself, and so she honored that obligation. Throat parched, mouth achy; the water tasted amazing.

The bar erupted in a shout as someone tripped, roaring laughter drowning out the domestic conversation of her table. Too loud. Vaguely she heard someone mention dinner—she cringed. She did promise herself that she’d finally eat a crumb or a bite tonight (after nearly passing out yesterday she became all too aware of her weakness). She wasn’t dumb, she knew she’d have to eat eventually, that she’d wither away—but one more night, one more meal skipped, it couldn’t do any more harm, right? Besides, from what she had seen on the menu, the foods were all greasy, full of fat and carbs, and wouldn’t help her figure at all.

I just want to look pretty, she reasoned, skipping a meal tonight will help that. God forbid she ate too much and all her progress disappeared: letting that baby fat back under her chin, the muffin-top around her waist, or even the extra flesh on her belly? She’d rather die than let her body look like that again, much less look worse. It terrified her to her core. She needed to look good, and that meant, to her at least, that she must be skinny, thin, and agreeable. Starvation is a small price to pay for beauty.

A waiter slowly started to make their way across the room, eyes set on her table.

I need to go.

She stood up, giving a small smile, “I’m gonna head back to the hotel.”

“You’re leaving already Miss?” Milly asked, “it’s still early enough for one drink! C’mon!” She raised her glass and grinned, “look! Mr. Wolfwood and Mr. Vash are already enjoying themselves!”

Drunken giggles erupted across the table.

“Oh Milly,” Meryl sighed, “let the girl get her rest. God knows we all need it.” She waved her hand with the flick of her wrist, “if it wasn’t for the trouble you’re all bound to cause, I would’ve already left myself.”

“Hey!” Wolfwood barked out, “we’ve never caused trouble a day in our lives. . . well, can’t say much for Needle-noggin’ here.”

“It’s not my fault!” Vash cried, “trouble finds me! I always run away from it!” He sobbed into the table, “can’t a man catch a break?!”

Wolfwood laughed and patted him on the back, “it’s all God’s plan, my friend.”

“Well he sure does have a stupid plan!”

With a smile and silent wave, she slipped out from the table and weaved through the bar, the happy expression quickly falling off her face. I’m tired, she thought to herself, ignoring the biting air of the night. A dull ache in the pit of her belly made her stop for a moment, really tired. . .

She barely remembers getting back to the hotel, much less how she managed to get dressed and settled in bed before that wretched knocking woke her up. With a skip of her heart and a rapid smack of her arms to get the blankets off her cold body, she jumped out of bed and reached for the gun she had tossed on the floor. One smooth movement and she delicately wrapped her fingers around the metal. She didn’t even think about the possibility of her friends needing help, or perhaps just room service making their rounds; the only thing on her mind was the fact that she wasn’t prepared to die that night.

“Who’s there?” she grumbled out, ducking to hide beside the door, back to the wall. She rubbed lazy circles into the metal, finger twitching every so slightly over the trigger. She had never been the greatest shot, nor the most eager to kill, but she would do what had to be done if it came down to it.

“Vash.”

She blinked, sleep-clogged mind getting dunked into a vat of mean, old reality. Her situation hit her upside the head and she resisted the urge to put her face between her knees and groan about how dumb she is. Instead of wallowing in her stupidity (which, if you really think about it, wasn’t the worst reaction she could’ve had), she sighed, “oh.” A spike of relief shot through her like a summer’s breeze on a warm day. Shoulders relaxing and muscles begging to be sent back to bed. . . only, she wasn’t tired anymore. I’m not sleeping tonight, am I? Her heart still beat like a drum, thumping in her chest like no tomorrow, and her body—taunt and tense, ready for a moment's attack; that’s how she’s survived this long, by being prepared for every situation no matter the outcome.

“Can uh. . . can I come in?” Squeaked out Vash.

She cursed and opened the door, wooden creaking echoing throughout the hotel hallway, letting her occupied hand hang by her side, “yeah, sorry. What’s the matter?”

Vash stood in his usual clothes—red coat, ridiculous pants, and bulky boots; his gloves though, she noticed, he wasn’t wearing gloves. He gave her a small smile, “sorry did I scare ya?”

The smile made her less mad about the ordeal, kind and small. He never smiled too widely or genuinely, just enough to show that he cared, that he knew what happiness looked like—though she knew that he thought he’d never be able to obtain happiness, a faraway dream is how he described it to be. Oh, how if given the chance, she would give him all the joy he would ever want.

She shoved that thought aside.

“A little,” she raised the gun and gestured with it for Vash to come inside. “Why are you up so late?”

He slid into the room silently, walking over to sit on the edge of her bed, “couldn’t sleep.” he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

That was a lie. She could tell. “Want to talk?” She locked the door and once again tossed her gun next to her bed, hoping it wouldn’t go off from the rough handling. “Or jus’ need someone here?”

“Just talking, if you don’t mind.”

She nodded, “a’right. How was your day?”

He smiled, “good. You?”

“Peachy.”

The conversation died off.

Neither of them really knew what to say—unspoken words disease the heart and kill the soul, making the tongue bloated and thick. She, not knowing how to comfort her friend as her mind wandered from her own problems to the world’s in general, and he wasn’t sure how to get his point across.

Silence.

Vash cleared his throat, finally collecting his words, “are you. . . okay?” The question hung in the air sourly, sucking any sense of comfort out and churning it into an uninhabitable room of misery. He flinched, as if the mood of the room was hurting him physically. “You’ve been acting a little different lately.”

She leaned against the door, hoping the action would give her the confidence to either run away or admit her inner-thoughts.“Hmm? Fine, you?” She turned her gaze away. Could she run? No, he’d catch her in less than three seconds and her trying to slip out of the room would be an admission of her guilt. But she really didn’t want to talk about herself. She’s doing okay, isn’t she? Just a little tired, anxious, and sad. . . but she’ll get over it. Besides, it’s not like she’s dead yet.

“I’m good.”

“Good.”

Oh how painfully awkward this all was.

The bed squeaked as he moved to get into a more comfortable position, “I have some leftovers in my room, from dinner, if you want any.” He tapped his leg with his fingers, head angled slightly to watch her expression.

He knows.

Those eyes, no matter how much of a kind smile or goofy aura he carefully crafted to show everyone, his eyes gave away every part of his secret-self. The part of him that was scarily intelligent, observant, and abnormally calculating—a man smart enough to play dumb and a man strong enough to be kind. That part of him is what interested her so, the gravity that pulled her attention to him everytime he entered a room.

He knows.

With a defeated sigh she rubbed her shoulder and walked over to the bed, shoving herself behind him to lay back down. If she had to bare her soul to him, the least he could allow her to do was to be vulnerable while being comfortable. He moved slightly to allow her more room, facing away from her as if her very gaze would burn him. “I’m not hungry,” she gave one last effort to cover her lie, to toss her truth out the window in the hopes that it would be buried in the sand.

“You said that yesterday too.” He stared across the room, back rigid.

The sands never work in your favor.

“Huh,” she faced the wall, “guess I did.” The blankets were scratchy, old, and ratty, but she pulled them up to her chin nonetheless. She was tired now. All her adrenaline had poured out of her mouth, dripping onto the creaky wooden floor, seeping into the ground beneath.

“And the day before.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

She closed her eyes, knowing she had finally been caught in her web of little half-truths. “Haven’t had the stomach to eat anything lately.” Perhaps she could escape this somehow—even though she knew it was futile, part of her accepting the fact that he wouldn’t let this go—, make him run away and stop caring, God that caring! It annoyed her to ends she had never seen before, yet she loved it so. If only he didn’t care, she clenched her fist into the blanket, then this wouldn’t have happened. And it’s not like she’s dying! Nor is she killing herself or drawing blood, she’s only skipping a meal every once in a while.

“I don’t. . .,” Vash trailed off locking his fingers together, “I don’t mean to pry, but you’re starving yourself.” He sat the words quickly, sharply, and promptly, as if he was afraid of them and needed to throw them out of his mouth as soon as possible.

All lies come to an end.

“I know.”

But wouldn’t it be nice if they could live forever?

He bit his lip. “Why?”

“You’re prying,” she snapped.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

The conversation died off.

She didn’t mean to sound so rough and uncaring—the opposite of that gentleman—but a fear had struck her heart and she couldn’t stop it. The only way to feel okay, to be okay, was if Vash stopped caring, stopped worrying, and walked out of the room without a second glance (no matter how much that would hurt). Only he had the power to alleviate this anxious pain but she knew she would never allow her to wallow in misery alone.

What did Wolfwood say? She thought to herself, misery enjoys company?

The air turned from sour to stiff, oppressing; like a hand had come to clasp her throat, fingers digging into flesh and muscles spasming as they tried to escape the hold, only it was fruitless.

“Sometimes,” Vash’s voice cut through the air, peeling the layers of devilish emotions back. Slowly he shuffled down to lay next to her, on his back, hands laced over his chest. “I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. . . how can I allow myself to eat when I know how the people I failed, the people I let die, will never be able to enjoy things like that again? And, really, I think part of me hopes I’ll die from starvation, so I can take an easy way out.” He paused and let out a shuddering sigh.

She didn’t move.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, and you don’t have to tell me, but I understand in part. And if you ever need anything, I’m here. Okay?”

Why did he have to be like this? Why did he have to care? And why did she want to accept it so damn bad? If he had never noticed, if he had never looked at her with those eyes, if he had never met her—then she’d be living in her little palace of warped perception like a Queen of nothing but barren hearts. A ruler of her own land, a lawmaker who bows to no one; only this man had come into her secluded little kingdom, raided the halls of the castle, and whisked her away to feel the sun. It hurt her. To know how delicious the outside tasted, yet know how her soul felt safer within her prison.

“Do you think,” the words died in her tongue, nervousness making her numb. To hell with it, he already figured it out. Might as well bite the bullet.“ That I look pretty?” she whispered.

Silence.

Oh, that was a mistake, wasn’t it? The silence hurt in her ways that she didn’t even know could hurt.

Vash choked on his own spit and coughed, “w-what?”

Suddenly she wished the silence was still there.

Of course he’d have a reaction like that! She’s ugly, big, and broken. Why did she think it’s run out any different? “Nevermind.” She buried her face into the blanket, biting back a rumble of sobs in her throat; eyes stinging gently.

“No! No! You—you just caught me off guard! I think you’re beautiful, really.” He turned over frantically, hand awkwardly hovering over her shoulder as he talked into her neck.

“You wouldn’t think the same way if I was bigger,” she curled into herself, “if I was fatter.” She aggressively wiped her tears away, “and skipping a couple meals isn’t too bad if it’s for a good reason, you know?” She wasn’t sure if she was believing herself at this point.

He was silent.

“No matter what,” he twiddled his thumbs, ears turning red, “I think you’d still be beautiful. If you were taller, shorter, thinner, bigger, only had one leg or, um, like lost both eyes or something—” he heard her lowly whisper an audible “what?”, “I’d still think you’d look amazing. And, if anyone says otherwise, they don’t deserve you.” He hesitantly set a hand on her shoulder, rubbing comforting circles, “no matter what, I still cherish you.”

Her voice cracked, “thank you Vash.” His words didn’t convince her entirely, but still, they were nice to hear.

He hummed. “I know my words aren’t going to fix everything, but we can start here, if you want?”

She let out a bubbling sigh, trying desperately to keep her tears away in order not to embarrass herself further. “I'm scared.”

“That’s okay, I get scared all the time. I’ll be right here for you, the whole way.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

238 notes · View notes