#there are so many people in me

[kkoct-ik]

why am i so many people

#kostik speaks #1am thoughts ignore and shoot me #i keep thinking im some flat 2d boring default personality #i kinda dont like myself for that. i feel like i just take things and dont respond and keep a dead face and nothing to love #but alongside processing one thing i realised that i am so many people. even on my own i am so many people #i keep forgetting that. i overlook it because i dont like myself and i prefer to see myself as having the depth of a piece of paper #but im so many people. im the product of so many lives and dreams and joys #lots of love went into me #the love of all my weird stupid components who loved and healed #i keep forgetting that. why do i hate myself so much actually #i feel like im blocking myself off from everything im made of #theres so much to love in me. so many people who love each other in me. im being built and have been built #there are so many people in me #im just digesting that. i think ive been ignoring that fact for a while now #i dont like myself because im shallow and have nothing in me but im not .? #i think im too used to disconnecting from myself #even this far into healing i ignore what im made of because im more comfortable being nothing #i dont want to be anything and i dont want to be my everything because there is so much in me #and yet i love me. i love every single me. i try to #why do i hate myself so much when all of me is so loved. i want happiness for all of me #and yet it feels impossible to love me. its confusing. i forgot how many people i actually am. i forgot how many of them i loved #no wonder i feel such a loss for the mes i loved. i know theyre deeper and more loved than i thought i ever could be #but i am #theyre me? #its just. if theyre me. then i am deep and lovable and everything else #and that betrays everything i knew about myself #why are they me. i loved them so much. how do i reconcile the fact that im not lovable and yet i loved me #head on the table. groan to scream #hi i promise im not losing it. keep scrolling

[cloud-ya]

outcast of the village

#werewolf #folklore #slavic #poland #folk clothing #folk costume #wolf #me when The Peasants (2023) i hate that movie #nothing against it I actually love how it's made along with the soundtrack and references to polish paintings #but having watched it in cinema it triggered so many traumas that i wanted to immediately leave the screening room #kto się wychował na polskiej wsi ten się w cyrku nie śmieje #art #pl #polblr #how much more tags can i fit to get people to notice this? let's see!

[james-p-sullivan]

the older i get and the closer i am to reaching 30, the more the people around me try to deny me my age. it’s a constant ‘oh you’re just turning 29 again teehee 🤭’ or ‘dont tell your SO that, he’ll leave you for a younger model 😉’ and i just???? hate it?????????

i spent my entire teenaged years fighting for my life. i crawled through the deepest pits of my depression to cling to the promise of a life beyond that pain. i was so convinced that i was going to die young, that i would never see the grace of my age starting with a 2, let alone 3.

so im going to turn 30, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me from loving it.

#anyway it’s still a couple years away #but man im so fucking excited for my 30s!!!!!!!!! #i made it!!! #i survived!!! #so many people never got the opportunity to be 30 #im gonna enjoy every fucking second of it! #sulley speaks #sorry my coworker said something really rude to me lol #it struck a nerve

[seriousturd]

#tumblr polls #random polls #poll time #i love looking at usernames and wondering what it MEANS #so many of you guys have such cool sounding usernames #i just picked random words i like LMAO #serious because people always see me as super serious irl (i'm just a very anxious perfectionist lol) #and turd because i have the sense of humor of a toddler and think poop jokes are funny

[aye-of-newt]

guillermo del toro’s pinocchio is a beautiful film but my god no one has adapted that story like neverafter. you can never look at it the same way again after listening to lou wilson, a black man, explaining that he chose to play as pinocchio because it’s a story about a little boy who isn’t allowed to make mistakes. that in pinocchio's story, he is fundamentally barred from childhood at once upon a time. he must earn something that everyone else is granted from birth. the other boys get to tell lies and play and get into trouble, but when pinocchio does the same thing there are grave and violent consequences. his pinocchio is trying to understand why the world is so unfair, why the rules are so different for him, why everyone else gets to be a real boy.

and I think about it every day.

#I'm sure so many other people have said it better than me but I think it deserves being said a thousand upon a thousand times #lou wilson is a phenomenal talent and storyteller and actor #and his ability to bring that character from the most ridiculous heights of comedy to gut wrenching emotion on a pinhead was unforgettable #I have so much respect for everyone in the dome but I don't think any story gripped me as much as pinocchio #d20 #dimension 20 #d20 neverafter #lou wilson

[supposedlyahuman]

tw: Examples of reblog bait/people trying to guilt others into reblogging stuff. I am not actually saying the things below, they're just examples that I have seen.

I fucking hate when people say stuff like this. Especially when it's on a generally good post with valuable information. On the one hand I want to share that information because it could genuinely help someone; on the other, I don't want to spread this type of guilt-tripping and shaming and potentially trigger someone else like me. It's a lose-lose situation. No matter what I do, I am going to feel guilty. No matter what I do, I will feel like a terrible person. It sucks and I just wish people would stop doing this. I know it's shocking, but it is actually possible to make an important and useful post without guilting everyone that sees it into sharing.

#in general i just don't reblog anything that tries to guilt me into reblogging it #there have been so many times where i consider reblogging something and then see people saying the stuff above #and i automatically move along because i can't handle interacting with that sort of thing #moral ocd #serious #my thoughts

[syn0vial]

[Astarion] is a cat. He's a black cat. There's a stray that comes into my house called Red... and he's quite feral. It took me three years before I could pick him up and hold him. He's totally cool with me now. Three fucking years. He gave me a lot of inspiration about Astarion.

- Neil Newbon, on developing Astarion's physicality and mannerisms

#astarion #astarion meta #baldur's gate 3 #confirmed: astarion is a cat #makes me wonder if he did the mo-cap for the spicy scene with tav on the grave #bc i've seen so many people (quite accurately) remark that astarion's movements there make him look like a big cuddly cat lol #neil newbon

[gibbearish]

love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking

#yes i want things to be free like ??? that is not a weird desire #'but but it costs money to keep up' ok and? how is that my problem #the government has plenty of murder dollars they could reallocate a few to make internet services universal if they wanted #also these companies were perfectly capable of supporting themselves before the internet got drowned with ads so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #edit: muting notifs on this post bc new additions have kind of petered out #so no one feel bad about adding something someone else has said‚ it is not bothering me im just trying to keep my #notifs page cleanish lol #also since i saw some people are being redirected to read my tags: firstly hiiiiii this is a special secret message for you:3 #secondly i have learned since making this that the reason they were able to support themselves previously was because #of investors bankrolling everything #and theyre now finally realizing that theyre never going to actually make a profit and arent as willing to invest #however thats just a minor correction and doesnt change my overall point #once again. so many murder dollars #so thats why im just adding it here in the tags rather than making an actual correction #anyways . love yall 💕 #origibberish #bigger gibbers

[gideonisms]

I LOVE being alive so I can be mediocre at SO many different hobbies

#this isn't sarcasm at all i love to try different tasks i get mediocre at a new thing every year #i love to learn about other people's hobbies!! #i am having a great time #there are so many things to do who can blame me for getting distracted from life tasks that are boring when there are all these fun ones

[deancaskiss]

rb to have a super gay 2023

#this was a hit last year so lets do it again for 2023 #here’s to being even more gay next year #gonna make 2023 the gayest year yet #also my 2022 post worked for so many people. including me ;) #bex talks #lgbt #lgbtqia #gay #bisexual #lesbian #transgender #asexual #queer #intersex #pansexual #pride #txt #txt post #text post #text

[stuckinapril]

lived my whole life in guilt bc i thought i was responsible for people's feelings. newly realizing that other people are responsible for their feelings and reactions, even if they make it seem like i'm the problem. a lot of the time it really has to do w them and their own emotional regulation. i can't keep thinking i'm not allowed to have space bc of other people's insecurities. like i literally refuse to dim myself. other people are responsible for their feelings just as i'm responsible for mine.

#like i'm always gonna operate from a place of kindness but i've had to deal w so many people who're bad at communication/confrontation #which led me to think i'm the problem #that i deserve to be given the silent treatment or dismissed disregarded belittled etc #that's j not true. i'm far from perfect but i think so few people deserve that kind of reaction. and my biggest revelation is i do not #even if people want to make me think i do / that their reaction is justified / that i'm a burden etc #my biggest problem is i humor people like this for too long bc it's been normalized behavior to me #does this make any sense to anyone. it's the end of the year and i'm reflecting on so many things #p

[bathroom-sand]

paramount and spyglass are trying so hard right now to save face because jenna ortega rightfully left the scream franchise after they fired melissa for supprting palestine. nobody is dumb enough to believe the excuse that it’s a scheduling conflict hours after rumors she was trying to get out of her contract cause she was pissed. i’m very thankful that jenna is risking her career and using her position to do the right thing. she’s been outspoken about palestine for years now. i hope this begins a trend of zionist losing money for their support and complacency with an active genocide

#free palestine #scream #jenna ortega #melissa barrera #i won’t be surprise if other cast members leave the project #many have been outspoken for years but few have the cultural capital jenna has #i love this cast and this franchise but the right thing to do is boycott future scream content unless it changes hands to people who #wont support war crimes #it takes remarkably little of me to give up a media i love while actual people are dying daily #the carpenter sisters make me so proud 💗 #melissa has since been posting nonstop about palestine and i’m just endlessly proud of her #💗💗💗

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

You keep telling yourself that Namari.

#dungeon meshi #Namari #Kiki Tansu #kikimari #lets fill that tag! #Originally I wanted to just draw the twins in their gnome outfits. #But then I spent 2 hours listening to Mika's Big Girl and I was like “You're so right singer-songwriter Mika. I have to draw Namari” #Anyways I've been practicing with diversifying body shapes as part of my art studies and I really enjoy it!!! #I can't wait until Tade shows up so I can draw more big girls. #By the way - since a lot of people have recently gotten into Dungeon Meshi and finished the manga #Please let me bring your attention to the Adventurers Bible! It's filled with so many extra character focused comics and lore! #We love canon bisexual Namari and the situationship she has with Kiki. #The manga itself doesn't really touch on romance in general but behind the scenes there is yearning. And leg pouches.

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[courfee]

oby jeggy is a different kind of dsfkdsf so here is them from the first fic in that series, i will touch you with my mind by my love @itsjaywalkers

#i fully ignored how cars work man there is a steering wheel somewhere technically #i looked at so many reference pictures of car interiors and realised #(after already having commited to the angle) #that this is not a view you could get from two people sitting in the front seat of a car. but alas. we ignore cars #less ignorable is the fact that somehow not just the car anatomy but also the people anatomy in this would just not work. how do legs ????? #i tried my best but even 24601 references couldnt help me out here so eh... #but laurie screamed at me about this yesterday so id say i succeded in what i had actually wanted to accomplish :) #jegulus #jegulus fanart #marauders fanart #regulus black #james potter #james x regulus #marauders #regulus black fanart #james potter fanart #starchaser #sunseeker #regulus x james #marauders era #hp #mine #my art

[stil-lindigo]

HELP PALESTINIAN ARCHITECT EVACUATE HER FAMILY FROM GAZA

This is a verified fundraiser for a family of four to evacuate to Cairo. The fund's creator, Amal Abu Shammala, reached out to me personally to share this since she's failed to get her fund on Operation Olive Branch and Let's Talk Palestine's fundraising linktree.

As of right now, she has raised €2,397/ €42,000. You can see the breakdown of what the money will be used for in the fund description.

Please give generously!

#ive talked to amal myself and can vouch for her #she was so understanding about me having to verify her story first #its so bullshit how people have used the tragedy of a genocide to masquerade as palestinians in need #perhaps its selfish for me to personally advocate for only a few families in need when so many people require help #but i feel like the way i stay sane is to just. focus on one family at a time #im gonna try to do another fundraising event (?) soon idk how successful it'll be #i just dont have enough money man #palestine #free palestine #free gaza #donations #gaza #rafah #khan younis