#the process of balancing shapes is a lot harder and more complex then I can describe in a tumblr post

[telekitnetic-art]

Hi!! Your art is so fucking cool! Can I ask what the process looks like for form line? Ex. What do your sketches look like when they are really rough? How do you go from idea -> final product. 💕

Hadih, thanks so much for your question!

Honestly, it's sort of hard to explain? I do have some sketches to sort of give an idea though.

This sketch I posted a couple days ago is a pretty good example of what my initial concept sketches sometimes look like.. As you can see, they're pretty chaotic and very rough, and usually these sketches are more about getting the idea down then actually making the formline itself. There aren't formline shapes just yet, although I do sometimes sketch out elements or shapes like eyes or bodies or paws/hands that will usually have an ovoid in it, because those elements tend to be a focus or centerpiece. The sketch is obviously not final, and things can change along the way to account for space and balance as well as what I'm trying to convey. (These sketches aren't entirely accurate of course because they're for pieces that are meant to be fusions of character illustrations and formline art, but they're the best thing I can find on my pc at the moment)

The rough sketch helps me figure out the flow of the piece, and once I'm satisfied with it I try and get to putting down the shapes and silhouette, and it's here where I try to find the balance with my rough sketch and how the shapes can fit and behave in the piece to the best of their limits while also still conveying the message I want to send. The most common shape I start with is the focus shapes, which are usually ovoids.

This rough of my harbor seal formline which I sent to my aunt for review sort of gives a better Idea of what I mean when I say I try and focus on where the centerpoints will be. Ovoids are usually a focus, so you can see them pop up a lot; in the body, the head, the eyes, the tail, etc. Ovoids are so important and probably the most common shape in formline art, and one of the most common feedback I get from my aunt is to adjust how the ovoid looks in any one of my pieces; she often compared them to a loaf of bread! You don't want your ovoids to look like a loaf of bread! (Her words, not mine). I feel like I've gotten better at drawing ovoids though, because she gives it as feedback less and less nowadays. Ovoids usually also have to have a bit of weight/perspective to them; it's hard to describe but essentially the top of the ovoid should usually be bigger/thicker/have more weight then the bottom.

From ovoids, the next shapes are usually circles, u-shapes and crescents, then usually y-shapes/trigons. It can be difficult, because the key is to make sure the shapes flow together and feel cohesive, as well as to make sure the negative/positive space balance feels right. Also a fun tidbit, trigons are most typically used to essentially fill space; it's always important to make sure that they are binding bigger shapes like u-shapes and ovoids and not stealing all the space and attention.

The lines in this stage tend to be very rough and messy, and I always try to go over the next rough draft with a smoother and cleaner pen.

Once the initial shapes are done, I'll usually send the piece to my aunt (sometimes I send them earlier on, when I'm in the middle of working out the shapes) for feedback! I am still a student in formline work after all; basically all of my teachings come from my aunt, who has a lot more years of work in formline art then me. She'll give me feedback and tips of what she thinks I should fix or experiment with. I adjust and fix and sometimes even completely delete and redo parts of the piece with her guidance. The list of things she tells me to change decreases with each piece, so I like to take that as a sign that I'm improving!

Once the black and white version of the design is done, I move onto coloring. Usually I already have a color scheme in mind when I go into a piece, so I'll mess around and put down colors and see how well they contrast before I color it. Typically, a piece will have about 3 colors; one for the background, one primary color, and one secondary color. I use a clipping layer to color the entire formline piece with the primary color, and then go in with the pen tool and bucket tool to use the secondary color. Adding in the secondary color is tricky but important because it once again falls into balancing positive and negative space/colors and the transitions between the two.

Once coloring is done, the project is basically finished! Unless there are some other plans I have for it, ie using it for an overlay in a bigger piece, colouring is usually the final stage.

And that's about it! I hope this helps you understand a bit; this isn't a perfect explanation as this is just from my own artistic POV and other nations and artists have their own process, but I hope it helps nonetheless!!

Edit: I forgot I posted other WIP formlines here before 😭 here and here!! You can sort of see me figure out the flow and balance of the designs in between the WIP and the finished piece!

#indigenous art #formline art #indigenous culture #the process of balancing shapes is a lot harder and more complex then I can describe in a tumblr post #it really is a balancing act that can take a long time to learn and i think i still have a way's to go to perfect my abilities #In that way it's sort of hard to describe and put down how exactly I do formline art I think? Bc of how close and thoughtful the process is #there's something very personal and honestly almost spiritual about finding that balance and figuring out how to convey the message you're- #trying to convey even if the piece doesn't seem that way (the amogus one lol). that's the most clear way I can describe it. #i am rambling a lot oops.

[second-wolf]

Sooo, I was gonna make this blog about the book I’m writing, and then I just… didn’t.

Anyways, here is information on the book I’m writing!

Side note: This book is in it's early stages of development so take a decent number of names, character description, and places with a grain of salt, as they may be subject to change. I will try to update them as the book develops.

Themes!

The main theme of my as of yet unnamed book is all about how we can process the world around us, especially when issues arise. A lot of the themes are somewhat personal, as I first conceived the main idea of this book during a fairly tumultuous time in my life.

The main idea is that there is no one way to work through issues. Even if one idea may work the best, one tool in your tool belt can only take you so far. A hammer won’t screw something together like a drill.

It also has a few minor themes of dealing with chronic issues or disabilities, but since this is a fantasy novel, of course the disabilities are kind of superpowers. They do have their moments where it’s anything but though.

Magic System!

The magic system is fairly simple in all regards. In the broad strokes we have:

Molders- Basically alchemy. They can change the shape or material of anything they touch so long as they are aware of what the material is made of. The higher their understanding of what they are molding, the easier it is for them to mold it. One drawback though is organic material is usually fairly hard to shape, mostly things like food or anything capable of sustaining life, mostly because its fairly complex chemically.

Adapters- Kind of similar to Molders. They can change the shape of stuff, but only metals, and it has to be absorbed into their body first. How easily they can essentially shapeshift using the metals depends on the metal's softness, like gold is one of the easier ones to use because its fairly soft, whereas tungsten is one of the harder ones.

Enforcers- They can boost their strength, speed or durability by up to a total of 100%, with that 100% being equal to around 10x what their current body strength can be able to handle. The only drawback is that they have to be mindful of how quickly they boost their 'stats' and how they divvy up that 100%, like if your strength is suddenly 10x more powerful than normal, you might break your leg by taking a step, so maybe balance it out with a durability boost too, because although you'd be weaker, you'd be tougher.

Illusionist- maybe the most broken of the four abilities, idk. They are able to create any sort of hallucinations they want, so long as they can clearly imagine it. Depending on the skill level it could range from crappy visual hallucinations to a full on sensory nightmare, affecting all five senses. Granted, the more complicated the illusion the greater the mental toll it take on the user, which can lead to things like headaches or even brain bleeds if one pushes themselves too far. Also, when it comes to making illusory sensations, its hard to make sensations that one has not directly experienced.

Characters!

Eli/Elijah- the main character

He’s around 16 or 17, and grew up in not quite a negligent home, but it wasn’t very loving either. His mom was mostly working as a kid and his dad was always too tired to do much. He also never had much luck with friends either, as they always found him odd or annoying given that he almost was always reading rather than playing or hanging out with everyone else.

Tobi- my favorite

Tobi is trauma incarnate. He grew up in an underground lab and was the product of human experimentation, which in this case was more of a “mess around to keep our funding but it actually worked” kinda way. Tobi is blind, because he has no eyes. He still can see, kind of. He’s more able to ‘sense’ than see, and more of the different materials that are around him than anything like color or light. He also has a nigh crippling fear of crowds and major trust issues, mostly from growing up in an underground lab. He also has horns, because this is my book and I can do whatever fantasy bs I want. Oh also he’s like 12 or 13.

Sylvana- the sassy lady

Sylvana is a noble, kinda, from the wealthiest nation. The reason it’s kinda is that the society is a strict meritocracy, where someone’s skill in adapting (one of the magic macguffin powers) determines one’s status in society. She’s the mc’s love interest too. She’s around the same age as Eli. She has a very sharp tongue and is extremely skilled, given her father is one of the most powerful people in their country. I haven’t quite fleshed out her character more than this, as this book is still in fairly early stages.

Ollie/Oliver- big buff boi

Oliver is Australian. But like. Caricature Australian. He’s really buff and strong but also very wholesome and optimistic, sometimes borderline toxic optimism. He’s kind of the reigning champion fighter of his country, but only in his age group, which is everyone under 20 (he’s 19). His mother was the one who trained him to fight, and also schools the others in fighting.

Artun- The old cranky lady

She doesn't really show up till more towards the end, but she basically acts as the mom of the group for the final stretch. To her, the entire group are a bunch of children who have seen way too much, even just that they got to her door, as she lives in a very remote place. She is about to throw hands with everyone who traumatized her kids.

King Greed the Avaricious- the antagonist

He is literally greed personified. His kingdom has been in shambles for hundreds of years and he wants everything. Not even for the good of his people, he just wants what everyone else has to the point they get as poor as he *thinks* he is (he actually is rather rich, but not to him).

Setting!

The world the main story takes place in is called Kordra, an unusual landmass, as it looks very similar to a compass. It has four main countries.

Aur- A golden country with massive amounts of wealth and influence, as it provides food to most other countries, but is a heavy meritocracy based on one's Adapter abilities, even to the point of a noble title not being handed down simply because one isn't skilled enough.

Ruin- Capitalism if it was mixed with the storyline of Fallout with a hint of the Lorax. It was the most prosperous nation for a long time, with it's Molders able to make piles of dirt into pure gold, however this made the leaders of Ruin very greedy and shortsighted, and they ended up using up all of their natural resources and nearly starving their people as they couldn't just transmute food into existence. As such the old kingdom fell till not even it's name remained, hence it now being called Ruin, with only the capital of Matus still standing.

Enta- Basically Australia. Its a mostly desert climate where everything is deadly and you're either crazy or a criminal to live there. It's very survival of the fittest, but not in the way Aur is.

The Hallowed Hollow- Not many know much about it. The people there used their illusory powers to keep up a massive misty illusion that confuses anyone who walks into the forest, to the point they either luck into the exit or starve trying to find it. The people there are very unsure of the outside world, as several decades before the story, an extermination was carried out against them by Ruin, thinking that they may have been hiding some sort of treasures inside.

Here's a map for the visual learners:

Plot!

Finally, the fun part.

The plot of this as-of-yet-unnamed-book is fairly simple in terms of basic structure. Eli goes into the otherworld, meets friends, gets traumatized, gets healing, happy ending.

I don't want to spoil a lot of the story, as I am trying to make it into an actual book, however I will divulge a bit.

Eli starts in Matus, having freshly fallen from the sky, somehow, still working on that, and gets shipped to that lab that Tobi is held at, and they spend many months there before breaking out, basically brothers at this point. Then they go to Aur, then Enta, then HH, and then kick the kings ass somehow. This book is very in it's early stages and so I only wanna give out the barebones, so a lot of it is still a TBD.

I hope you stick around to see the progress, as I'll probably be asking for feedback to see where things can be changed. I do welcome feedback on any of this, but just please be respectful, as this is also a very personal story for me. Thank you!!

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #writers #booklr #books #book overview #oc #original character #original story #ocs #original characters

[sango-blep]

Art question: your colors and lighting are always so gorgeous - what’s your process look like for colors in terms of layering/combining colors?

Ok, time for the end boss, this is probably gonna be a long one so I hope this is still gonna be understandable and not too much as a text post.

First up I’m just gonna put a quick and very basic break down of how I often approach coloring before I go more into detail.

I’d definitely recommend to not leave your canvas white while painting, I either rough in my background first or give the canvas a grey-ish blue color if it doesn’t have one. The bright white of the canvas will make it harder for you to judge colors, having a nice midtone will help you make better color decisions and get more accurate colors!

Here’s a little snippet from a previous post about how I pick color! (check out full post for some useful links)

Here is one of the brushes I really like using in paint tool sai2! Other than that I might use the standard marker tool with a square shape. In clipstudio i try to use similar textured brushes.

To blend or to create soft edges, which really helps you to sculpt your drawiing/painting, I often just start painting on a new layer above the one with the base color and then use a soft eraser! I might also use paint tool sai’s water tool, which I find really useful and pretty unique, I sadly haven’t really been able to replicate it in programs like clip studio.

In the two pictures above I already did a lot of defining and painting before I moved to a layer ontop of the lines because the lines were fairly clean already. Sometimes my “underpainting” looks way rougher though and I just put in some blobs of color for hue variation, especially the more red-ish areas and then do most of the painting above the lineart layer! Not sure if there’s much to say to the overpainting stage, as mentioned before this is just where I clean up the whole drawing and define the features more, especially the eyes, eyebrows and lips.

NOW, the real fun begins....

After I’m mostly done with painting, I start to properly establish the lighting, some people find it easier to do it the other way around, and sometimes I do so too. But often I push for the strong lighting at the end so I can focus more on painting. This is where I play around a lot with layer modes, usually I use a combination of overlay and shine to put in some bright warm light from one direction!

The way I do it is I usually put all the layers of the person/object into a folder so it’s separated from the background, then I make a new layer on top of that folder and use clipping group. It works similar to a layer mask, whatever i do in those clipped layers will only affect the layers that are in the folder! Since only my character is in that folder, my background will be left alone.

As mentioned before, I now use gradients to give the entire picture more hue variation and to properly give it strong lighting. Make sure the gradient tool is set to “color to transparency”. I use a warm orange/red color for the top right side where I want the light to hit and put it in overlay mode. And then use a colder purple/blue color on multiply mode and pull it up from the bottom to the middle.

At the end I often adjust the colors a bit, I like to use cool colors in the background to make the warm colors of the skin etc pop! So often I push those reds of the characters a little more! In paint tool sai I just adjust the hue and saturation a bit. In more complex programs like CSP I do it in the color balance option.

You can see how I pushed it a bit more towards red here, to make it stand out more against the blue-ish background. I also pushed the blue’s in the hair color. Giving dark hair blue-ish undertones can make for a really good contrast compared to the warm colors in the skin! I think this last part is really the most important to me,lighting can REALLY change your entire picture, and I think gradients are a super easy and fast way to do it! If I pull up the picture from the beginning again, you can see just HOW MUCH the picture changed again after I was pretty much done painting by adding strong lighting! It’s a good way to pull the attention to a certain spot, in this case the faces/the kiss, where all the strong saturated colors are!

I also think that a good contrast between warm and cool colors is really important! As you can see I often use that to make my characters stand out from the background. If you put everything in cool colors or everything in warm colors it’s easy to make your object get lost in the background. I recently found this guys YT channel, he talks alot about warm vs cold colors, which I think is so helpful! I’ve hardly seen any other artists talk about it that much. If any parts were unclear or I left something out/ someone wants to know more about a certain topic just let me know! Thanks to everyone who’s sent me asks

#tutorial #how i art #supercorp #long post

[goldenhemmings]

Stealing Second | Baseball!Shawn

Whew. If you know me at all, you know I am a sucker for any AU scenario where Shawn is an athlete, so naturally I’ve spent the last three days neglecting all of my academic responsibilities to crank out 8.3k words (!!!) of Baseball!Shawn. I tried to keep the jargon in check, but here’s a little study guide of the things I wrote about in case you’re not super well versed on all things Major League Baseball: 

MLB teams are divided into two leagues: American and National. Each league has slightly different rules. The Toronto Blue Jays are in the American, and their home stadium is Rogers Centre. Rookie of the Year is an award given by each league to the best first-year player. Players often wear compression sleeves over their throwing arms because it reduces soreness, and eye black under their eyes to reduce the glare of the sun or stadium lights so that they can see better. If you have any more questions please ask, and without further ado please enjoy Baseball!Shawn!!

When you got the call from “Greg with the Toronto Blue Jays” that you had been selected from a field of over two-hundred applicants for one of the team’s few coveted internship positions, you almost stopped breathing. The sun was making its descent as you sat at the kitchen table of your quaint suburban apartment, having just finished the leftovers you’d microwaved a few minutes before when your phone sounded its familiar siren. It was an unknown number, but the Toronto area code immediately made your stomach flip. It was a straightforward phone call, Greg simply offering you a congratulations and saying you started at Rogers Centre in two weeks’ time, but to you it meant the entire world. You managed to breathe out a “thank you” as you hung up the phone, eyes blurry with tears and hands shaking as you struggled to dial your mother’s phone number--the only person you could think to call.

You cried as you talked to your mom about how all of your hard work had finally paid off; four years of suffering as a double-major student to obtain two bachelor’s degrees, almost entirely giving up sleep and a social life as the price for your scholastic success, and eight months of waiting tables post-graduation to (barely) sustain yourself while you looked for a job. The sports industry was harder to find a place in than you’d thought, and you couldn’t believe the opportunity had finally come. Your mother was beyond proud, and after the phone call you sat at the kitchen table and cried because you didn’t know what else to do.

You’d wanted to work in sports your entire life; the love had been ingrained into you by your parents when you were young, and it never faded as you’d grown. You’d sent your resume to every sports franchise with availabilities, prepared to emigrate to the States for your dream job if you had to, but with this internship for the Blue Jays you thankfully only had to move an hour or so away.

Moving, however, caused you great stress. The ballpark was in the heart of downtown Toronto, which meant that every apartment or condo within a reasonable distance of the stadium would be exceedingly out of your price range; not to mention that the deadline of two weeks only added to your panic. You expressed this concern to your mother the next morning when you were level-headed enough to hold a steady conversation, but the words your mother spoke were enough to send you spiraling down yet another path of overwhelmed emotions: your mom and dad would help you pay to live downtown until you were financially stable enough to take the reins on your own. You had paid your own way through college, and your parents didn’t want further financial struggles to stand in the way of getting your foot in the door of your dream industry; they’d let you pay them back whenever you were able. With a cushion of temporary aid from your family, finding a place to live was a breeze; you settled on a one-bedroom apartment about a twenty-minute walk from the stadium. It had a perfect view of the Toronto skyline, and you could already imagine yourself sitting on the small balcony at night just watching the city lights twinkle before you.

On a Thursday in May, not three days after getting the phone call, you and your parents loaded the contents of your tiny apartment into the back of your barely-running sedan. You sighed as you realized how out of place the old car would look juxtaposed to the sleek vehicles that surely filled the streets of the city. Oh well, you thought. I’ll probably be walking everywhere, anyways. You shut the hatch of your trunk and smoothed over your favorite Blue Jays player’s jersey--a parting gift from your mother--before hugging your mom and dad goodbye. You took one last look at your small apartment complex and climbed into the driver's seat before reversing out of your designated parking spot and driving away in the direction of your dream life.

As you merged onto the 401 and the Toronto skyline came into view, you had to turn your music up even louder in a desperate attempt to distract yourself and therefore control your pounding heart, an exhilarated smile unable to keep itself from spreading across your face. You were finally here. This was finally happening. You pulled off the highway and drove into the parking garage of your new apartment, awestruck at how tall and sleek the building was. You went into the lobby to get everything sorted, and you were all set when the manager handed you a key to your door and sent you on your way with an enthusiastic “Welcome!”

You made your way back out to the parking garage, popping the trunk of your car and beginning the grueling back-and-forth process of taking the boxes up to your apartment one by one. You made your way back down to the car for what felt like the hundredth time, sighing in relief when you saw that there were only two boxes left. You pulled the larger of the two out, which was exceptionally heavy, and as you tried to shut the trunk while still holding the box your balance completely failed you.

“Fuck!” you cried, as the contents of the box went tumbling onto the ground next to your car. You sighed as you knelt down to place the box upright when you heard a voice echo from behind you in the parking garage.

“Do you need some help?”

You snapped your head around, your eyes settling on the figure of a tall man who was far enough across the lot that you couldn’t quite make out his features. “Um, I think I’ll be okay,” you called back, ducking your head down in embarrassment over the fact that someone had seen you clumsily and inadvertently dump the box onto the ground. “Thank you though!”

The man continued talking, the sound of his voice getting closer despite the fact that you had declined his offer. “Are you sure? I’m more than happy to--hey. Nice jersey.”

You turned around and looked up to meet the man’s smug eyes, and as you did you felt your cheeks immediately begin burning. You fell back onto your ass as though you’d been pushed, the box’s spilled contents suddenly disregarded. You looked down self-consciously to the Blue Jays jersey you had on, all-too-aware of the Mendes 98 embroidered onto the back, and slowly let your gaze travel back up to the real number 98 standing right before your eyes. You’d been in Toronto for twenty minutes and you had already come face to face with your favorite baseball player...while wearing his jersey. If you weren’t embarrassed before, you surely were now.

“I’m Shawn,” he said, kneeling down to your level as you hadn’t yet picked yourself up from the pavement. He extended his hand, and you weren’t quite sure whether he expected you to shake it or help yourself up with it.

“As if I don’t know who you are,” you muttered, laughing nervously as you disregarded his hand altogether. You opted to stand up on your own, brushing the asphalt off of the back of your jean shorts as you forced herself to meet his eyes. Eyes that, to your surprise, seemed almost bashful.

Shawn’s hand, marked with a tattoo you couldn’t quite see the shape of, came up to rub the side of his neck. He looked strange in his fitted shirt and black Nike shorts; you weren’t used to seeing him without his jersey on--or in person, for that matter. You’d known he was a rookie and therefore one of the younger players on the team, but standing this close to him you realized he couldn’t be more than twenty-one or twenty-two. Who’d have known that his ball cap was hiding such curly hair, or that underneath his compression sleeve were several concealed tattoos, his short sleeve shirt now putting them on full display?

Shawn Mendes was a first-year second baseman for the Blue Jays, and nearly every Major League Baseball commentator had pegged him as a top-three contender for the American League Rookie of the Year award. He’d quickly become your favorite player at the start of the season, with his ability to flawlessly handle any ball hit his way and his red-hot swing racking up the most hits on the team. But it was his character, however, that really drew you to him. He was his teammates’ biggest fan, always making sure to give players words of encouragement after a bad game or a celebratory smile and high-five after a big hit. Even though he was only a rookie, he was loved by players, coaches, and fans alike, and he’d quickly become one of the Blue Jays’ greatest assets.

You were snapped from your reverie by Shawn’s voice once again cutting through the air, and you refocused your eyes so that they were looking up into his. “W-what did you say?”

He smiled. “I said I really don’t mind helping you carry your things up, I know how awful it is to move on your own. I’d have loved the help back when I first moved in here.”

“You live here?” you squeaked out, but it sounded less like a question and more like you were stating it to yourself, as though repeating the words would have them make more sense.

“Twelfth floor,” Shawn affirmed, shooting you another smile that almost made you dizzy.

You cast your eyes downward, nudging at the ground with the toe of your Converse. “Fifth,” you responded. The view got better the higher up you were--which meant the price also rose with the floor number. “It’s close to the stadium, though, so I’d really be set no matter which floor I ended up on.”

“Plan on making it to a lot of our games?” Shawn teased, smirking as he folded his arms over his broad chest.

“I actually just got an internship with the team’s public relations department, which is why I moved out here. I’ll officially work for the Blue Jays in about a week and a half, so I’m sure I’ll be at most of the home games.” As you heard yourself say it, you couldn’t keep the childish grin from your face. It still barely felt real to you, and you found yourself wishing there weren’t ten long days standing between you and the beginning of your dream career path.

“No way!” Shawn grinned, making the corners of his eyes crinkle and revealing a set of teeth so perfect you found yourself nearly mesmerized. You’d thought that he was handsome on TV, but the in-person effect was a million times stronger. “Guess that makes us co-workers, then.”

You let out a strangled laugh at his comment, but it sounded more like a yelp. “I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just one of the little people working behind the scenes.”

“But you make us look good,” Shawn insisted, his genuine smile unwavering.

“You make yourselves look good,” you scoffed, timidly looking at the ground as though it were suddenly interesting you. “You of all people should know that. You don’t make any errors in the field, your batting average is sky-high, and you’re on the short list for Rookie of the Year. I’m not sure there’s anything I or anyone else could do to make you look any better.” You could hear the gushing words spilling out of your mouth before you had time to process that you were even saying them, and when you finally managed to stop talking you wanted to crawl into a hole. Your favorite baseball player was talking to you like a normal human being, and you had to go and ruin it by fawning over him like the crazed fan that you were.

But, to your surprise, Shawn seemed unphased by this. “You really know your baseball,” he replied, and your eyes shot up to meet his brown ones.

“I’d hope a pro baseball team weren’t hiring people who didn’t,” you teased in a brief moment of bravery, Shawn letting out a little laugh.

“I guess I’d hope so, too.” As the words left his mouth, you both fell silent. His eyes were still on yours, and you’d have been a fool to look away. It was strange, having this seemingly intimate moment in the middle of a parking garage with a box of your personal belongings still scattered at your feet.

“Um,” Shawn cleared his throat, the first to break the long pause. “Are you sure I can’t help you with anything? The team has the day off today and I’d feel like a dick if I knew you were moving all these boxes by yourself while I sat on my ass doing nothing.”

“That’d be awesome, actually,” you finally assented, bending down to start putting the spilled box back together again as Shawn followed suit.

“I never caught your name,” Shawn said as the two of you carefully repacked your belongings.

“You’re a baseball player, you should catch everything,” you joked, to which Shawn chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Kidding,” you continued, smiling in response to Shawn’s laugh. “It’s Y/N.”

“Y/N,” he repeated, and your heart fluttered at the sound of him saying your name. “That’s pretty.”

“Thanks,” you giggled, continuing to pack up your things and forcing the giddiness that was threatening to spill out of you back down with all of your might. If this was how your luck was going to be in Toronto, you hoped you’d never have to leave.

“Oh, this is too good,” you heard Shawn say, and you looked up to see him smiling down at the framed photograph his large hands were clutching. Without even looking, you knew what it was: a picture of your mom and your dad holding baby you in between them, the Blue Jays’ stadium filling the background. They’d put you in a onesie covered with the team logo, and you sported a smile just as big as your parents’, except yours was toothless. You really were born and raised a sports fan; this picture was evidence of that.

“You were made for sports, weren’t you?” Shawn asked, placing the photograph gently inside the box.

“Absolutely,” you responded, flattered that he seemed so interested in your life. “My parents totally ingrained it into me. I don’t think I’d be happy with a career involving anything else.”

He smiled. “I can understand that. I’m pretty sure I knew how to throw a ball before I knew how to walk.”

You laughed, standing up as you placed the last of your things inside the box. “I’d expect nothing less. The greatest athletes always start young.” You moved towards the trunk of your car to grab the last box, shifting to balance it between your thigh and your arm in order to have a free hand to close the trunk with. You quickly pulled your keys out of your pocket and locked the car, shoving them back out of sight and taking hold of the box with both hands.

“Do you want me to get this one?” Shawn asked, pointing at the one you’d both just repacked.

“Yes, please. We both know what happened the last time I tried to carry that thing.”

Shawn chuckled as he turned his back to you and bent down to grab the heavy box, and you had to force yourself to keep your lips together as you watched the way his back muscles flexed and strained under the fabric of his skin-tight Under Armour shirt. “Lead the way,” he said, turning around to face you. You felt your cheeks get hot as you moved in front of him, sure that he’d caught you staring.

“Is this your first job with a sports team?” Shawn asked as he quickly fell into stride next to you, the both of you making your way into the apartment building’s lobby and towards the elevators.

“Yeah, if you’d even call it that,” you sighed, pressing the up button with your elbow. “It’s just an internship. But an opportunity is an opportunity, and I plan to make the most of this one.”

The elevator doors open and the two of you filed inside. “Guess we’re both rookies, then.”

You smiled, comforted by his kindness. “Yeah, I guess so. Except your season officially started in March. Mine doesn’t start for another ten days.”

“Are you excited?” Shawn asked, hitting the five button, and you felt yourself smiling again as you realized he’d remembered what floor you said you lived on.

“I only cried for two whole days after I got the call,” you giggled as the doors opened onto your floor, and Shawn laughed with you.

“I’ll take that as a resounding yes,” he said as you set the box down at the door and fished in your shorts’ back pocket for the new key to your apartment. You pushed the key in the lock and flung the door open, pushing your box inside to join the pile of all the others.

“Forgot how empty these things look at first,” Shawn remarked, gingerly placing the box in his hands down with the rest.

“I kind of like it,” you responded, taking in the space that was now all yours. Your kitchen was off to the left, and there was a large open space in front of you waiting to be converted into a living room. Your bedroom and bathroom were just beyond the kitchen, and there was a floor to ceiling window that revealed your quaint balcony and a decent view of the Toronto skyline directly across the room from the front door. “Kind of like a blank slate that I can do whatever I want with.”

“I don’t suppose you have furniture packed away in those boxes?” Shawn joked, stepping further into your empty apartment.

“Nope,” you giggled. “It’ll be me and my air mattress tonight. But most of the furniture I ordered should be coming Friday...which I guess is tomorrow.”

“We’ve got a three-game series against the White Sox starting tomorrow. The Friday and Saturday games are pretty late, but the Sunday game is early...I think it’s at one in the afternoon. I should be home by six, and I’m more than happy to help you with any furniture assembling. N-not that I think you can’t do it by yourself,” he rushed to add, eliciting a giggle from you.  

“I’d like that,” you said, biting the inside of your cheek to restrain your giddy smile. “Hopefully I won’t have too much trouble, but I already know I won’t be able to do it all myself.”

“Cool,” he said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his black shorts. “I’ll swing by. And, um...You know...If you’re ever free on any of my off-days and you want someone to show you around the city or something, I’d be more than happy to.”

“I’d like that, too,” you smile, your quickened pulse echoing in your ears.

He grinned. “Perfect. We’ll figure something out.”

“Sounds good. Oh, and good luck tomorrow night,” you called as he began making his way towards the door. “Not like you need it.”

He turned around, his eyes bright and a smile playing on his lips. “Will you be watching?”

“Yeah, on the TV that I don’t have yet,” you giggled, and he smiled and ducked his head.

“Right, right. But knowing you, you’ll find a way.”

“Oh, I definitely will. With an extra-trained eye on number 98.”

“No pressure,” he chuckled, running his inked hand through his brown curls.

“You’ll play amazing,” you said seriously, folding your arms around yourself. “You always do. And thanks for the help today, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Don’t sweat it. It’s nice to know someone else living here.” He swung the door open, stepping halfway in and halfway out of the entryway. “I’ll see you Sunday?”

“Mhm. And I’ll see you on the big screen tomorrow.”

“Hopefully I don’t disappoint,” he laughed, and you did too. “Bye, Y/N.”

“Bye, Shawn,” you answered, and with that the door was closed behind him.

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Come Sunday afternoon, you’d managed to assemble most of your furniture with the exception of your bed. The pieces were heavy, and there were too many of them for you to figure out exactly what part went where. As you walked out of your apartment’s sole bedroom and into the kitchen to make lunch, you remembered that day’s Blue Jays game was on at 1; in ten minutes.

Your television had come in last night, and it had taken a while but you’d managed to set it up by yourself. You had nothing planned in the days before you started at your internship, and though assembling your apartment was grueling, you found yourself grateful for the fact that you had something to occupy your time with.

You sauntered over to where you’d put the small TV, reaching for the remote and flipping the channel to the Blue Jays game. Your heart nearly dropped when you saw that the cameras were currently focused on a pre-game interview between one of the announcers and Shawn. You flung yourself down on your new couch, cranking the volume and completely disregarding the fact that you’d meant to make lunch.

The brim of Shawn’s baseball cap concealed most of his forehead (and those perfect brown curls), but the camera still picked up the youthful excitement behind his eyes as he spoke. He had fresh eye black painted under his eyes, and you knew that the two strips would quickly become smeared once the game started and progressed.

“With the White Sox winning the first two games in this series,” the announcer began, Shawn leaning in and listening intently, “What do you think is going to be the key to stopping their streak and winning this game?”

Shawn answered immediately, and you were shocked by how well-spoken he was. You’d heard him speak before, of course, but now you found yourself paying extra attention to every detail about him. “I think we just have to focus,” Shawn started, adjusting his hat. “We have to not get caught up in the last two games because right now, today’s game is all that matters. We took some tough losses but we fought hard, and today we need to fight a little harder.”

You smiled, folding your knees up under your chin and resting your head on top. Good answer. The announcer continued. “I’m sure you’ve been following what the sportscasters have been saying, so I have to ask how you feel about the buzz for you to win Rookie of the Year.”

“I’m honored that they see so much potential in me, but it’s still so early in the season. Right now I’m just trying to focus on playing my position and helping my team win games.”

“Good man,” the announcer said, laughing as he clapped Shawn on the back. “Thanks for your time, and good luck today.”

“Thank you, man,” Shawn said, and with that he was off camera as he made his way back to the Blue Jays’ dugout on the third base side of the field.

The announcer sent the program over to a commercial, telling the audience to stick around because the first pitch was right after the break. You took this as your chance to finally make lunch, throwing together a sandwich with the few groceries you’d picked up from the store yesterday and then making your way back over to the couch. You pulled the blanket you’d laid over the back of the sofa down and covered yourself with it, the blasting air conditioning leaving you a little chilly in your spandex and old Maple Leafs t-shirt. Now that you were settled, you were ready to be glued to the screen for the next three and a half hours.

The game passed uneventfully, both teams’ pitchers throwing an amazing game. The score was still 0-0 in the bottom of the sixth inning, but the White Sox pitcher’s arm was clearly starting to get tired, evidenced in the two consecutive hits he’d given up. You perked up a little bit at the potential scoring opportunity, with only one out and Blue Jays players at first and second base. A single would score one, and a double or triple would likely get both runners home. You could hear the crowd through the TV, and your stomach swirled with the excitement of knowing that you’d be a part of this atmosphere in just over a week. You waited with anticipation to see which Blue Jays player was up to bat next, and you almost screamed when you saw that it was Shawn.

A graphic displaying his statistics flashed on the screen, the announcers gushing over the Blue Jays’ beloved young rookie. Shawn stepped into the batter’s box, raising his bat over his shoulder and watching the pitcher with anticipation. Your eyes raked up and down his body, his arms flexed beneath his jersey from the weight of the bat and his white baseball pants hugging all the right parts of his lower half.

The pitcher started his windup, refocusing your attention on the game and sending a pitch flying over the plate for a strike that Shawn didn’t swing at. The screen said the ball came across at 83 miles per hour, which was beyond slow for the kind of pitch he’d thrown. His arm was tired, and your legs were bouncing up and down as you silently prayed that Shawn could take advantage of the opportunity. Another pitch--this one ruled a ball. As the pitcher began his third wind up of the at-bat, your breath hitched. The ball hurdled towards the plate as Shawn brought his bat around, a crack echoing as the barrel made contact, sending the pitch soaring into left field between the left and center fielders, who both went chasing after it. Both runners had crossed the plate, scoring two for the Blue Jays, and Shawn slid headfirst into second base to avoid being tagged out. The umpire called him safe, and dirt was stained all down the front of Shawn’s uniform as he popped up from the slide.

You could hear the crowd going crazy just like you were, reflexively jumping up from the couch and cheering as the camera showed the Blue Jays dugout high-fiving the runners that had just scored. The White Sox manager walked out to the mound, signaling for a new pitcher to come in and replace the current one. With the score now 0-2, Toronto winning, the game had a new life to it--and you were as hooked as always.

The game went by pretty quickly after that, each team managing to score another run, which left the final score as 1-3 Blue Jays. You smiled, clicking off the TV to get back to work until Shawn (hopefully) stopped by in a couple of hours.

You walked over to the pile of boxes, most of which you’d emptied, and chose a random one to begin unpacking. As you looked inside, you laughed to yourself; it was the box you’d spilled in front of Shawn. You pulled your hair into a sloppy ponytail and set about unpacking, placing photographs where you wanted them and arranging the decor from your last apartment how you liked it in your new one.

Before you knew it the sun was starting to go down, and you’d unpacked the rest of your boxes. You took a proud look around your apartment, satisfied with how everything had turned out. There were still a few tweaks you wanted to make here and there, but for three days’ work you were pretty damn happy.

You’d walked over to the kitchen to get a glass of water when there was a knock on your door, and you dashed over to open it, practically sliding across the hardwood floors in your fuzzy socks. You swung the door open to reveal Shawn, wearing black workout shorts and a white Blue Jays t-shirt, his hair slightly damp from the shower he’d surely had after the game.

“Hey MVP,” you grinned.

“So you’re a hockey fan, too?” Shawn asked, pointing at the Maple Leafs shirt you had on.

“I’m an every sport fan,” you giggled, turning and allowing him to pass by you into the apartment. “Even football.”

“A Canadian who likes football,” Shawn mused as you shut the door. “Don’t come by those too often.”

“You’d be surprised,” you said, walking into the center of your apartment as Shawn took in his surroundings.

“You really whipped this place into shape.”

“Makes it easy when you’re stuck here all day with nothing else to do.”

Shawn smiled. “Well, how can I help you finish up?”

“I actually need help with my bed,” you said sheepishly, running your fingers through the ends of your hair. “The pieces are too heavy for me to lift on my own.”

“No problem,” Shawn answered cheerily, following you down the short hallway into your room.

“Oh, and good game today,” you remarked as you walked.

He smiled, his cheeks getting rosy. “You watched?”

“Of course I did,” you laughed. “Every minute of it.”

“Well, thank you. Glad we could win at least one game in the series.”

“And there will be many more wins where that came from, especially if you all keep hitting as well as you did today.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I hope you’re right.”

The two of you set to work on the piece of furniture, assembling the frame and attaching it to the headboard. What you couldn’t even finish on your own only took half an hour with Shawn’s help, and there was, of course, the added bonus of getting to see his muscles bulging under his shirt as he did your heavy lifting. You pulled your new queen-sized mattress from where it was pushed up against the wall, tossing it down so that it fit perfectly inside the white bed frame, and let out a little cheer over the finished project.

“That’s everything!” you exclaimed.

Shawn grinned, brushing his hands off and moving over to where you stood. “Feels good to be all moved in, doesn’t it?”

“No kidding,” you laughed. “Now, how about a drink?”

“Oh, I don’t really drink much during the season. Thank you, though,” Shawn sighed, but you weren’t having it.

“Come on!” you teased. “You just helped me with half an hour of heavy lifting after you played a hell of a game. Tomorrow’s a travel day for the team, anyways. All you’re going to do is sit on a jet for however many hours until you get to San Francisco. I think you can afford one glass of wine, and it’s the least I could do for your help.”

“Of course you’ve memorized the team’s schedule,” Shawn chuckled, and you felt a wave of heat rising to your cheeks. “But I guess you’re right. Pour me a glass.”

“Always am,” you teased, heading to the fridge. “Red or white?”

“Whichever you’re having. You’re pretty convincing, you know,” Shawn continued as you poured two glasses of red wine, handing one to him and leaning your back against the counter right next to where he stood. “And you always know what you’re talking about. I have a feeling this internship is going to turn into a job more quickly than you think.”

You let out a sigh, tilting your glass back to let the wine past your lips. “I seriously hope you’re right. I need a big-girl job at some point.”

“What day do you officially start?” Shawn asked, angling his body so that he was leaning up against the side of the counter and facing you.

“A week from Monday. Same day as the first home game back versus--”

“Boston,” Shawn finished, and you both laughed. “I’ve heard.”

“Sorry,” you giggled, picking up your glass for another sip.

“Don’t apologize. It’s cute how you know everything.” At this you almost choked on your wine, but you managed to force it down and suppress your coughs. Shawn kept talking, which you were exceedingly grateful for; you wouldn’t have immediately been able to form the right words to respond to his compliment. “There’s a long corridor at the stadium that connects the offices to the Blue Jays locker rooms, and there are a bunch of random rooms off to the sides of that hallway. If you can manage to get away, you should meet me in the one closest to the locker room, like, fifteen minutes before the game starts. I wanna hear about your first day.”

You smiled at him over the rim of your wine glass, trying to keep your butterflies in check. “Fifteen minutes before game time...got it. I’ll do my best.”

You smirked. You’d do more than your best; you’d be there like your life depended on it.

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The rest of the days went slowly, with you desperate to pass the empty time in any way you could. You arranged your artwork, then rearranged it, then rearranged it again. You paid several visits to the apartment complex’s gym--something you’d normally never do, but resorted to out of pure boredom. You went on walks to explore the area around your apartment, identifying which restaurants looked good and the shops you wanted to look in when you finally (hopefully) had money to spend. You watched every Blue Jays game from the comfort of your couch, now with the added excitement of seeing Shawn on TV while also knowing him personally.  

When Monday morning finally rolled around, you were out of bed much earlier than you probably needed to be. You put on the flowy dress you’d picked out, which was blue with white polka dots to match the team’s colors. It was cute but still professional, and when paired with simple jewelry and sandals it was perfect. You did your hair how you liked it and put on a touch more makeup than you normally would, checking the time to see that you still had an hour to be at the stadium and it was only a twenty-minute walk.

You headed into your kitchen and brewed yourself some coffee, making sure that it was decaf; you didn’t need caffeine adding to the jitters you already had. You sat at your kitchen counter and sipped it slowly, trying to think about anything but how nervous you were. When half an hour had passed you opted to start your walk, grabbing your purse from the hook you’d put by the front door and plugging your headphones into your phone to listen to music on your way.

You arrived at the stadium offices with seven minutes to spare, as you weren’t set to meet with Greg until nine o’clock. You were hit with a rush of excitement as you walked through the office doors, Home of the Toronto Blue Jays proudly displayed on a blue banner directly above the entrance. Once inside, you felt like a kid in a candy store. You could see past the receptionist’s desk, the front of which was adorned with a giant Blue Jays flag, to all of the cubicles in the center of the large space. The walls were lined all down the sides with door after door concealing the offices of higher-ups in the organization, shiny plaques displaying each occupant’s last name pasted to the doors. Additionally, there were two silver-doored elevators tucked into the left corner by the front, where you’d come in. The walls inside the reception area were lined with framed newspaper clippings, photographs, and jerseys, and everyone working seemed to have at least one article of clothing that matched the team’s blue; the entire space was a giant homage to the Blue Jays.

Before you had time to ask the receptionist where you were supposed to go, you were met with the sight of a tall, bald man who couldn’t have been older than fifty walking briskly in your direction, his gray suit pressed to perfection and adorned with a royal blue tie. This man, you assumed, was Greg--the one who’d called you to give you the job.

“Are you my intern?” he asked cheerily, reaching out his hand for you to shake before you’d even given him an answer.

“Yes,” you smiled, shaking his hand. “Y/N, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Greg, and the pleasure’s all mine,” he said with a smile, and it seemed truly genuine. “Your application was beyond impressive, I remember it well.”

You blushed at his compliment, filled with pride for your hard work and dedication. You felt your nerves slowly slipping away in Greg’s presence, his exceedingly friendly demeanor making you more comfortable by the second.

“If you’d follow me,” he continued, setting off into the giant office area, “I’ll get you situated and introduce you to the other interns.”

“Are the others already here?” you asked, filled with a new wave of anxiety. You’d been almost ten minutes early, how had they all beaten you?

“Yes, but don’t worry--you’re not late. I told you all to come in fifteen minutes apart from one another so that you had time to adjust. It can be overwhelming on your first day, and I didn’t want the added pressure of a crowd,” he explained, sending you a smile from over his shoulder. You relaxed at this; not only was Greg friendly, but he was thoughtful. “I’ve got them all sitting in a conference room at the end of the offices--” he reached out to push in a door handle, “--right here.”

He led you into the room, where five people sat around a large conference table. Five men. They all stopped their side conversations, looking up to you. You felt the heat of five pairs of eyes sizing you up and down, and you swallowed hard in an effort to stay calm. Greg clapped his hands together once and took a seat at the table, you following suit.

“Alright,” he began, your eyes glued to him. “Now that everyone’s here, let’s introduce ourselves and then I’ll get you each started in your individual departments!”

You and the five other interns, who all appeared to be about your age, went around the table as though it were an icebreaker on the first day of high school and introduced yourselves with your name, hometown, and the department you were interning for. There was Chris who’d be interning with Finance, Matthew with Operations, David with Medical, Tony with Marketing, Brandon with Sales, and you with Public Relations. The difference between Finance and Sales, you learned from Chris (who seemed like a massive know-it-all), is that Finance deals with how the team spends money, whereas Sales is concerned with making money.

Once the rounds had been made Greg stood up, announcing that he’d take you one by one to your departments to get you situated. Know-it-all Chris was first, and as soon as he and Greg were gone the guys started talking to each other again. This left you sitting awkwardly, wanting to join their conversations but they were too quiet for you to hear. You tried to push the thought that they were excluding you on purpose into the back of your mind.

You looked down into your lap, pretending to be fascinated with a detail on your purse, when you felt the chair to your right slide out from under the table. Your head shot up, met with Brandon smiling warmly and sliding in next to you. “It’s Y/N, right?” he asked, and you nodded. “Brandon.”

“I remember,” you grinned, and he smiled back. Brandon had tan skin and light eyes, and he wore a black suit that seemed a little large on his frame despite the fact that his shoulders were so broad. His smile was friendly, and though it was early to tell, you thought he seemed kind.

He must have caught you noticing the size of his suit, because he ran his hands over it and let out a little chuckle. “Yeah, yeah, I know it’s big. Couldn’t really afford a new suit, so I had to borrow this one from my dad. Anyways, I could tell the others were ignoring you so I wanted to come say hi. This place is nerve-wracking enough without having to be by yourself.”

“Thank you,” you shrugged, giving him a smile as you felt yourself relax. “You said you were from America, right?”

“Texas,” he confirmed, leaning back in his chair. “Really small town. Nobody ever moves in and nobody ever leaves.”

“Wow,” you quipped, intrigued. “What drew you to Toronto, then?”

“They took my application,” he answered, and you both laughed in mutual understanding of how challenging it was to secure a position like this. “I actually played baseball all through high school and college. Was projected to make the major leagues as soon as I graduated, but then I got hurt and nobody would sign me to play for them. But I knew even if I couldn’t play in the majors I wanted to work there, hence the reason why I’m hoping this internship leads to a higher position.”

“That’s quite a story,” you remarked, and Brandon shrugged. “I know what you mean about the internship, though. I hope it opens up something bigger for me, too.” Brandon nodded in understanding, continuing the small talk with you until Greg called him away.

You were the last intern that Greg pulled, and you were more than ready to finally have something to do after sitting in the conference room for an hour. “So you,” he started, leading the way towards the elevators, “are my lovely PR lady. Which means you are working to make sure that the team is positively received by the fans. You’ll mostly be making written contributions--conducting research and interviews to contribute to articles for the Blue Jays website--and eventually writing articles yourself once your training is done. The website is the main way we keep the community updated on the team both on and off the field, so it’s very important to the success of our organization. You’ll additionally get practice guiding post-game press conferences, which are also very important.”

You listened intently, making mental notes of everything Greg was saying. The man spoke very quickly, almost to the point where you couldn’t keep up, but your focus was razor-sharp.

The elevators opened onto the third floor of the stadium offices, where the PR department was housed, and you followed Greg as he stepped out onto the tiled floors. He took you into every single office, introducing you as The Intern to more people than you’d ever met in your life, whose names you only prayed you remembered.

Lastly, you were introduced to a woman named Cassidy, who didn’t seem much older than you. She stood up from behind her desk with a bright smile and, instead of greeting you with a handshake like everyone else had, she pulled you in for a hug. You learned from Greg that you’d be working very closely with Cassidy; she’d be your “mentor” throughout the internship, and your desk was inside her spacious office. Greg shook your hand one last time before saying he’d “leave you two to it,” and with that he started back down the hallway for the elevators.

Very quickly, you realized Cassidy was beyond cool. She was young, intelligent, and well-respected in her job; everything you aspired to be. She handed you a folder, containing the transcript of an interview she’d done with one of the players regarding his nonprofit work. She told you she was writing an article about how charitable the player was, and asked you to seed out several quotations that you thought would fit the article.

After several hours of doing back-and-forth work with Cassidy, breaking once for lunch and again for dinner, it was nearing 6:30--and that night’s game started at 7. “Me and some of the other PR staff are going to watch the game in the clubhouse, you’re more than welcome to join us,” she said, her eyes bright.

“I will!” you exclaimed, grabbing your purse and standing up from your desk. “I just have to check in with someone first.” Cassidy nodded and made her way out of the office, turning to lock the door as soon as the both of you were out. You were sure she assumed the person you had to check in with was Greg; little did she or anyone else know that you were about to sneak over to meet with Shawn Mendes. The simple thought of it sent adrenaline coursing through your body.

You took the elevator down to the first floor, retracing your steps back to the door you’d noticed was marked with Stadium Access. You checked to make sure that nobody was paying you any particular attention (as if anyone cared about The Intern), and you pushed the door open to reveal a long corridor much like the one Shawn had described.

You found the door closest to the locker rooms just as he had said, gingerly tugging it open and breathing a sigh of relief when you saw Shawn leaning against the wall in waiting. His head perked up at the sound of the door opening, and he smiled from ear to ear when he saw it was you.

“Your dress matches my uniform,” Shawn remarked, pulling you in for a hug after you’d shut the door behind you. This took you by surprise, but your arms found his waist as his squeezed around your shoulders.

“That was intentional,” you grinned, pulling away from him.

He smiled. “How was your first day?”

“Overwhelming,” you admitted. “I’m the only girl of the six interns, and only one of the guys has been all that nice to me. But there’s a girl named Cassidy who works in the same department as I do and she’s really cool, she’s not much older than me. I met a lot of people with such awesome jobs, though. I’d kill to be where they are.”

“First of all, those guys are insecure and you can’t let their fragile egos get inside your head, especially since you’re probably ten times smarter than them. And secondly, you’re gonna rock this internship. You will be where those people are, I know it.”

You smiled, suddenly shy from his compliments. “Thanks, Shawn. I really hope that’s true.”

“It is. How do you feel about the game?”

“You’re asking me how I feel about the game?” you laughed incredulously.

“Your opinion’s as good as any,” Shawn said, looking down at you with a closed-mouth smile that touched his eyes.

You couldn’t help but smile back, feeling your heart beat a little faster under the weight of his stare. “Well, I hear the Blue Jays’ rookie second baseman has quite the batting average right now. Think as long as he keeps hitting like he has been the game will be just fine.”

It was Shawn’s turn to be bashful from your playful compliment but, right as he was about to answer, you heard the loudspeaker announce that there were ten minutes until the first pitch.

You sighed. “You should go. You don’t even have your eye black on yet.”

“Do it for me?” he asked, reaching into the back pocket of his white pants and handing you the tube.

You felt another shy smile cross your face. “Move your hat,” you said softly, not wanting the cap’s brim in the way of the marks you were about to put under his eyes. Shawn reached up to take his hat off, placing it backwards on your head with a smug smile. You bit back a grin as you reached up to paint the lines on his face, gingerly taking hold of his chin to get a steadier hand. You could feel his gaze on you, and your heart was hammering in your chest so loudly you’d have sworn he could hear it.

“There,” you said, your voice scratchy as you slid the lid back onto the tube and handed it back to him. “Bright lights have nothing on Mendes now.”

There was a pause, each of you wishing you’d had more than five minutes with the other and knowing you both had to go. “Same time here tomorrow?” Shawn spoke up, evoking a confused frown from you.

“What do you mean?”

“Here, fifteen minutes before game time,” he answered matter-of-factly, and by this point you were grinning like a little kid.

“Okay, yeah. Same time tomorrow. But now,” you said, grabbing his hat off of your head and reaching up to place it back on him, “You have a game to win, and the team’s probably looking for you.”

He sighed. “You’re probably right. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be here. Give ‘em hell, rookie.”

“You too,” he grinned, and with that he left the room, his metal cleats echoing as he jogged down the hallway to the locker room.

You leaned back against the wall, feeling like your breathing had stopped and relishing in the fact that this was actually happening to you. You smoothed down your hair, tangled from where Shawn’s hat had been, and made your way back to the offices to watch the game.

Oh, how you were starting to love Toronto.

Feedback is so appreciated, and let me know if you want a part two!! 

#wowZA this is the longest thing i've ever written #whew ok #shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes one shots #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes blurbs #baseball!shawn #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes writing #imagine #mendes army

[moriganstrongheart]

The Adventure Zone: Murder on the Rockport Limited! – Review

by Clint McElroy, Justin McElroy, Travis McElroy, Griffin McElroy & Carey Pietsch 2019, First Second Books Paperback, 240 pages, $25.99 CAD

Rating: ★★★★★

Good: Character development, worldbuilding, excellent art Bad: Constrictive narrative, on-rails narrative

Since I spent far too much time on analyzing the podcast in my analysis of The Adventure Zone: Here There Be Gerblins, I will do my best to focus solely on the contents of The Adventure Zone: Murder on the Rockport Limited! this time around. The second arc of The Adventure Zone podcast isn’t something that made that much of an impact on me. I was still in the process of acclimating to the format and the McElroys’ storytelling style. While the Rockport Limited arc remains a favourite for many fans—due in part, I’m sure, to the introduction of fan favourites like Angus, Jenkins and Jess—I found the arc rough around the edges. Griffin was doing his best to create something new instead of relying on pre-written campaigns, while the rest of his family was still getting a handle on what their characters were and how they interacted with the world. Thankfully, some of this was smoothed out for the graphic novel. Perhaps thanks to improved writing or Carey Pietsch’s talents, I found the world much more cohesive and interesting than in Here There Be Gerblins, and I appreciated that the McElroys cut back on jokes and pop culture references. This helped to elevate Murder on the Rockport Limited! to a higher level of quality than its predecessor, though if I have one complaint, it’s that the events in the book feel too restrictive. It’s as if the characters have no agency of their own, being forced down the path laid out for them.

Though, it’s possible that a tighter, less expansive narrative is to be expected for Murder on the Rockport Limited!, for two key reasons:

Griffin ran the campaign on rails—and not just because it’s on a train.

I am familiar with the source material.

The first reason is a product of the format and the anxieties that the McElroys faced when embarking seriously on this podcast venture. They didn’t stray far from what Griffin had planned, and actively followed his story prompts in an effort to build a cohesive storyline. I can’t fault them for it; it’s to be expected that the graphic novel’s plot would be similarly unidirectional in order for it to be faithful to the source material. It makes me wonder whether or not my familiarity with said source material is the primary reason I felt the plot wasn’t fleshed out. I’d be interested to see what someone uninitiated in the podcast would feel regarding the novel’s plotting. Though, some elements in the novel seem to indicate that the McElroys intended to keep the story on rails, with the itinerary provided to the main cast at the Bureau of Balance being a good example of this. It’s also difficult for me to determine whether the story’s mystery elements were well adapted, given that I already knew the conclusion. I’d like to make it clear that I have a difficult time really considering any of these deal breakers; I find myself constantly flip-flopping on whether or not my criticisms really matter here. I enjoyed Murder on the Rockport Limited! immensely despite my concerns, so I feel like that whatever flaws I’ve noticed should be taken with a grain of salt.

The main takeaway from my analysis of Here There Be Gerblins is that The Adventure Zone podcast has many different “Levels” to it, but only a few of these levels translate well to print. I argued that the Narrative Level was the most important to the success of the podcast—and by extension—should be the focus for the graphic novels. I don’t have enough hubris to think my thoughts came into play when the McElroys wrote this second volume, but it seems that they did improve in this regard—e.g. they toned down the amount of goofs and pop culture references in favour of developing the narrative. In fact, we barely see Griffin as the Dungeon Master—to the point I forgot he was a character in this volume seeing as he was absent for nearly half of it. This made the experience a lot tighter, allowing the reader to focus on what’s going on, rather than having the comic book equivalent of cutaways every few panels. While jokes and pop culture references are fun, they shouldn’t come at the expense of building an engaging narrative. Though, I was surprised by an increase in fanservice. Where the previous novel made only a few retcons, Murder on the Rockport Limited! goes into overdrive, to the point that I’m ready to change my mind on whether any these changes were actually made to appease fans, or if they were included to make the world richer and more cohesive.

A good example of this is in Jess’ established role as a wrestler within the world and Magnus’ awareness of her career. At first, I thought this was a simple reference to the one-shot live show, but as other elements were introduced—like the developing friendship between Magnus, Taako and Merle, or Lucretia’s torment—I’m more inclined to think these changes are intended to flesh out the world, rather than just existing as fanservice. I don’t doubt that fan interaction has helped shaped the world over the years, but I no longer think that the McElroys are including these details to satisfy fans. The novel is certainly better for it. That isn’t to say there isn’t any pure fanservice; one of my favourite scenes is the Scuttle Buddy mini-advertisement, which was just a cute little distraction from the main plot In any case, I think the McElroys struck the perfect balance in this volume between keeping things fun and lighthearted, and ensuring the narrative takes centre focus.

I don’t think I can express enough how perfect a pick Pietsch is as the artist for these graphic novels. Her drawings have an inherit energy to them. They are fast and loose, never too pristine and just the right amount of scraggy. Her colours are appealing, being just cartoony enough for the story being told. Her expressions continue to be her greatest strength, adding layers to an already colourful cast. She also continues to excel at bringing the world around the main cast to life. Every location feels real, allowing us to slowly learn what kind of world this is through her illustrations. Much like in the first volume, my favourite scenes are her establishing shots with huge crowds fantasy people, all of them just as expressive and lively as any of the main cast.

The Adventure Zone: Murder on the Rockport Limited! feels a lot tighter than its predecessor, and part of me wonders if the arc’s more complex narrative forced the McElroys to narrow their focus, or if they simple realized the narrative should be the most important element going forward. I imagine it’ll become harder and harder to include everything that happens between now and the end of the podcast, considering how much more expansive the story got over time. I think regardless of their intent, it’ll be increasingly important for the McElroys to focus on narrative and character development. That doesn’t mean we should lose the fun, but I am entirely convinced that great characters and meaningful narrative are at the heart of what made the podcast so special to so many people. In any case, it’s an improvement over Here There Be Gerblins, and I hope to see the McElroys continue along this trend in future volumes of The Adventure Zone’s graphic novel adaptation.

Official Comic Book Website

#my reviews #review #comic book review #graphic novel #comic books #comics #the adventure zone #taz #the adventure zone murder on the rockport limited #the adventure zone murder on the rockport limited review #fantasy #worldbuilding #world-building #world building #clint mcelroy #justin mcelroy #travis mcelroy #griffin mcelroy #carey pietsch #first second books

[kristoferliu-blog]

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[thelifeofm]

On Creativity: Matt Eich

Matt Eich (b. 1986) is a photographic essayist working on long-form projects related to memory, family, community, and the American condition. He balances his freelance career, and the small book imprint he publishes under, with life as an Assistant Professor of Photojournalism at George Washington University. Eich lives in Charlottesville, VA with his wife and their two daughters. Also, if you've always wondered, it's pronounced EYE-ch.

Website / Twitter / IG

How did you get to where you are today?

I started making pictures around the age of 10 in the wake of my grandmother's death from Alzheimer's disease. Growing up in isolated rural areas of Virginia and homeschooled for much of my youth, I've always found myself on the outside looking in. During high school, I played a lot of music, which was a good outlet for teenage angst. I studied photojournalism in college, became a father at the age of 21, and poured my anxieties about survival into trying to carve out a path in the dark woods of freelance photography. At this point, I've been a working photographer for nearly 17 years and I teach full-time (which is another way of saying I'm learning what I don't know, full-time).

What makes you happy?

This is a question that I don't encounter often (in life or in the creative process). I think there is a misconception that good art only stems from suffering. It can, but a better source is love ... love for the people around you, love for the world, love for the way that light shapes our perceptions of things. I used to be able to say that photography made me happy, now my relationship to the medium is tied up in complex feelings and anxieties, so it has become harder to find joy through photography. I still get excited about the medium, and it keeps pulling me back somehow.

What really makes me happy these days is time with loved ones, meaningful activities with my children, those times when a student seems to "get it", opportunities to freely create and express (in whatever medium), and rare moments of silence when my mind isn't racing.

Who or what inspires you?

Lately, it has been less photography (though I'm constantly looking, and frequently amazed). I've always drawn inspiration from music, but poetry has been taking a more prominent place in my creative process. I'm inspired by people who manage to create meaningful contributions to their field (whatever it may be) while also maintaining healthy relationships and those who can move through life with a sense of joy and wonder.

What’s the single best thing you’ve read lately/the best documentary or movie /or an experience you’ve had that most impacted you?

I enjoyed watching The French Dispatch with my daughter recently (she's a Wes Anderson fan), but that isn't exactly speaking into the space I'm trying to create from. The work I'm currently making is in response to a poem by Charles Wright, from his book of poems, Black Zodiac. Lately, I've also been reading Terrance Hayes, Tim Seibles, (along with other poets), and I enjoyed "The Triggering Town" by Richard Hugo. I find a lot of comfort when reading the words of Robert Adams.

What advice would you give your younger self?

Slow your roll, your self-worth is not tied to your creative output. Also, just because you care about photography doesn't mean photography cares about you.

How do you measure success?

For a lot of folks in the photo industry, I think success is measured by external factors ... did it win an award or get a big exhibition? Are you getting hired by that fancy client or making lots of money? External validation as markers for growth/improvement/success tend to be shortcuts to depression and heightened anxiety. If I'm looking for internal markers, a better guidepost might be am I surprising myself? Does the work being produced feel like my natural voice, or me trying to be something I'm not? Am I finding any joy in the process? Am I growing as a person, as well as an artist?

What’s next for you?

Attempting to stay sane, keep my head above water, spend less time on what doesn't matter / more time on what does, and keep making work.

What would you love to do that doesn’t involve your current craft?

Play piano, paint, write poetry with a visceral clarity.

#on creativity #matt eich

[tomkail]

BattleTabs ship balance

When designing ships, there are two things we look for - “is this fun and interesting?”, and “is this balanced?”. Balance is an essential part of ship design, and I wanted to share some of our process!

If you don’t know about my work on BattleTabs, then you can play it free in your browser and might be interested in reading an earlier writeup on designing the game.

“Keystone” ships

As the number of ships grows, trying to consider how a new ship compares to every other ship starts becoming an exercise in madness.

To keep comparisons manageable, we attempt to peg the effectiveness of new ships to what we call “keystone” ships.

Examples of these are the Sailboat and the Minisub. These ships are simple, reliable, and time-proven. They’re fixed points on the power curve. 

One of the advantages of pegging new designs to the oldest ships is that it acts to avoid power creep in a way that would be unavoidable if all new ships were balanced against the current meta. The downside is that not all new ships feel as relevant for hardcore players.

The test for this is simple - are our keystones still considered viable additions to most fleets?

Balancing levers

When we’ve decided a ship is over or underpowered, we have 3 “levers” to play with.

Cooldowns

Cooldowns are the main lever for balancing a ship. Raising a ship’s cooldowns makes it worse, although this isn’t a linear scale!

Shorter cooldowns offer more flexibility, and are more reliable.

Longer cooldowns have a larger chance of being destroyed before it can be used.

In practice, this all means that a ship with abilities that are twice as good should have a cooldown that’s slightly less than twice as large.

Good fleet design allows for an ability to be used each turn, with no turns where several abilities are usable at once. Roughly speaking, this means cooldowns of 3-5 are typically the most useful - so should be just a tiny bit underpowered to make fleet creation a bit more interesting.

Cooldowns are an effective but blunt tool for balance, and not always granular enough to balance a ship entirely. Shape and size is a more subtle and very scalable way to fine tune balance. Ship size/shape

My initial assumption was that while bigger ships required more time to destroy, smaller ships would be harder to find, and this would roughly balance out. This turned out to be off the mark - bigger ships have a tangible advantage. Their size might be thought of as their “defence”.

Shape is important too - less standard or symmetrical shapes are harder to find - although as a minor downside, they can be harder to place in a way that doesn’t give away their shape!

Single tile ships should be avoided, because they can be frustrating to find. We recently patched in a change to the Coracle (the only 1x1) to mitigate this - it now reveals a tile on your own grid when you use a standard attack.

Our largest ship at time of writing is an 8 tiles donut. New ships could be a bit larger/harder to work out, but this risks making them tedious for the opponent to destroy, or difficult to fit on the grid.

The biggest issue with this approach is that it can’t be easily applied to ships that are already live, because tweaking art is quite expensive! Side effects

I’ve covered the universal balancing levers. The last approach is to attach further positive or negative abilities. This can help differentiate ships in interesting ways, although care should be taken not to create ships with long and complex descriptions! 

here are too many of these to list, but here are some examples:

Initial cooldown - since this only affects on turn, it’s relatively subtle, while also being very tuneable (how much is the initial cooldown affected?)

Visibility - revealing a ship, or part of it, on game start/use/being hit

Neighbour effects - changing ship abilities when placed next to something else

To balance, or not to balance?

There are plenty of cases where perfect balance, as defined by “all ships should have an equal win rate” might not actually be desirable!

Gimmicks

Some ships are deliberately designed as fun gimmicks. For example - imagine a ship that entirely reveals the boards of both players. Their inclusion adds spice to the game, but they can feel cheap or undermine our design goals. We try to make these slightly less effective so that they don’t become a part of the current meta.

High and low skill ships

As a rule of thumb, ships requiring more skill should be more effective.

One of our design goals is for players to start with basic abilities and move on to those requiring higher skill as they learn to play. If skilled players can get the same win rate playing a fleet with lots of random abilities as for one requiring lots of careful thought, then they might as well stop thinking and play randomly!

We try not to let skilled players win every game though - playing fleets with lots of random abilities should still be an enjoyable strategy, and we don’t want less skilled players getting demoralised by lots of losses - or skilled players getting bored clobbering their opponents (at least, this is the theory - it seems that skilled players really enjoy winning lots)!

This might be familiar to those of you who remember the original Longboat - originally this 4 cooldown ship allowed players to keep attacking until they missed or destroyed a ship. 

In our playtests this was fine, but the most skilled players could map out where their opponents were hiding in the early game and then carefully damage every ship without missing or killing any of them - potentially landing 10 hits or more! 

While immensely fun, this felt a bit crushing when you were on the other side of it, so we’ve limited the ship to 5 shots - still making it one of the best ships in the game, but keeping it feeling fair for everyone.

Feedback

Despite my very best guess-timat-uition, initial ship designs are almost never balanced! There are a few ways we keep an eye on new ships.

Playtesting!

Until recently, playtesting was carried out on paper or via spreadsheet (Google Sheets being the digital swiss army knife!). This is great for saving on code time, but games typically took 5x-10x longer than they’d take if played digitally, and errors were quite common.

Nowadays we tend to take promising designs directly to a small group of testers in a special version of the game, which makes it much easier to get valuable feedback!

Some designs need several iterations before they’re ready to go live, and we’ve had a few cases of ships needing to go all the way back to the drawing board.

Community

BattleTabs is fortunate enough to have a wonderful and highly active community on Discord. One of the best ways to find out how the community votes is just to keep an eye on the conversation! BattleTabs even has a community tier list, which is fascinating for us, and always sparks interesting discussion! 

Observation

My personal opinion isn’t worth all that much more than that of our more experienced players, but there’s always things you can spot from just playing the game! Are experienced players all using the same ships? What about your own strategy? Does it seem unbeatable? Are there any ships you just don’t think are ever worth playing?

What’s next?

At the time of writing we’re testing a few interesting new ships that we can’t wait to try out, and we’ve a list of literally hundreds to mull over! 

Each new ship is a huge team effort that wouldn’t be possible without our incredible community.

Balancing an evolving game is a sisyphean task; but the less we need to step in and make changes, the more confident we can be that we’ve got it right.

Further reading!

If you’re interested in game balance, then I’d highly recommend Jaime Griesmer’s talks on the balance of the early Halo games. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YJ53skc-k4&ab_channel=GDC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikvheFiDsYY&ab_channel=GDC

I’d also recommend this seminal talk from Blizzard in 2008: https://www.gdcvault.com/play/315/Rules-of-Engagement-Blizzard-s And lastly, a take on balancing fighting games. I’d highly recommend all the design analysis on this channel! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsC8io4w1sY

#battletabs #game design

[skeletorific]

Toxic Relationship Headcanons

Its time for aaaaaaangst

So I was spitballing this with @with-a-whisper a few days back and decided on a whim to publish them. Essentially I’ve decided to break down how a relationship with each of teh bros could end up being potentially toxic and harmful to both parties, as well as the steps that might be needed to help rebuild. Because we can’t always be happy damn it

Also please note, guys, if the relationships you are in have these qualities it may be time to have a serious talk with the other person. And while I believe that a lot of relationships can genuinely be salvaged if both partners are willing to put in the effort, if your partner is unwilling or nothing is changing you may need to get out.

UT!Sans: He definitely needs someone a little more comfortable with themselves and who's able to draw any kind of vulnerability or honesty out of him. Bonus points if they're particularly good at telling when he's faking being okay. So to prevent a break his partner would need to understand that even when he pushes it away he genuinely kind of wants someone to force him to articulate how he's actually feeling. In order for it to start devolving, his partner would either have to stop trying to reach out or make themselves the center of every emotional crisis. Either option is ignoring his feelings or assuming he doesn't have any. When he beings to feel like his emotions are unwelcome or unimportant he will more than happily begin to shut down, because after all, its easier than confronting the hot mess he is most of the time. His smiles are all faked these days and he will rarely, if ever be open with you

Patch: You need to listen  to him. This is harder than it sounds, getting Sans to be honest emotionally when he’s felt like he can’t be is like pulling teeth. ITs a slow process of rebuilding trust, of asking him questions about how he is every day no mattter how much he evades the question. If he feels like you really mean it, he can eventually warm back up to you

UT!Papyrus needs someone who won't overly-indulge him and provide some grounding but who is also quite generous with praise, especially for things that he desperately wants/needs to be praised for. He believes you entirely, but that has to go both ways at some point. Papyrus wants your validation, he wants to know that he’s important to you. This can be a little needy, and it only gets worse if he senses he’s starting to annoy you. It enourages him to ramp up his antics adn constantly strive for your approval, whih only annoys you further. If this keeps going he will be constanty on edge and in deep denial. He’ll insist that of ourse he’s happy but he’s so disappointed, trying to greet you with a smile but you never return it. He won’t break up with you, he’s convince that it has to be his fault somehow, and so he stays on. Feeling like more and more of a burden as time goes by

Patch: In order to patch up a break a good method is you have to try and match at least half of his compliments to you. He doesn’t honestly need that much, but strong signs of approval send him over the moon. He’s not as sensitive as you might think but he does need to know that deep down you really do enjoy him and his company. As you grow to a healthier place you can then begin to work on his compliment dependence.

UF!Sans needs a balance of someone who will call him out on his shit and someone who he can genuinely have a good time with and not be constantly on edge. On the one hand you need to be able to tell him no, to draw a line when his reckless behavior gets too unsafe. On the other you need a good sense of humor, as well oas a lot of patience for when he does fuck up. He’s good about apologizing, you just have to let him do it on his own terms. If you never reel him in he will trample over you and likely drag you both down with him. Drinking binges, trashing your house, forgetting dates, all that gross stuff. And He will apologize, but if you keep acting like its no big deal....it kind of starts to bug him. Why aren’t you bothered? Do you just not care that much about this relationship? Should he be treating this as casual too? Eventually he stops apologizing and does whatever the fuck he wants until you finally kick him out.On the other end, if you’re constantly snapping at him and he can’t do a thing right for you....in all likelihood he’ll break up with you. At the very least he’ll be on edge and likely tend to be hypercritical of your every move as well. Not so fun when its your fuck ups being pointed out, is it? Both of you get increasingly petty and its just bad to be around.

 Patch: it depends on which end of the spectrum is failing. If you're hitting him too hard to shape up you have to relax a little, let him live (this is also most likely to end the relationship before patching up even begins). If you're not calling him out enough in the end you just kind of need to toughen up and yell at him when he's really being a dick. He'll resist it and roll his eyes but he does take what you say into consideration if he thinks its reasonable.

UF!Papyrus just genuinely needs someone with a backbone. Someone who won’t talke all of his “Master of the Universe” bullshit lying down. Don’t get me wrong, Boss nags because he cares. He genuinely wants you to lead a healthy life. But don’t just coast and let him make all your choices for you, he’ll stop seeing you as a person and more as a puppet that he can move however he wants. So if the time ever comes that he makes a choice for you that genuinely bothers you, he’s going to be furious when you try and defy him. He’ll start punishing you for going against him. Don’t get excited sinners, not the fun kind. He’ll ignore your texts for days or start lecturing you in public. Like, trying to make you cry He tells himself its tough love, and if you ever remove yourself he won’t stalk you or hurt you. but its not good.  

 Patch: His breaks are the hardest to fix because if you've devolved into toxicity you've let him order you around for too long and its a lot of backtracking to where you can finally get him to listen to you again. You need to stand up to him whenever and wherever he's crossed the line, even if you don't want to make a fuss. If you keep it up he can eventually start to take it to heart. He wouldn’t be dating you if deep down he didn’t honestly respect  you

US!Sans (Despite not being an angel) is kind of hard to trigger an unhealthy relationship in because he  is really good at keeping up a bright and happy front but he, like Tale Sans, tends to suffer if his partner constantly needs to be the center of attention. His s/o will never likely be ignored but people with a tendency for drama tend to pull him into their spiral because he wants to help them overcome their problems but they don't seem to want to solve them. In an unhealthy relationship he'll be pulling away, emptying himself out and kind of going through the motions more than ever. 

Patch A patch up would just be focusing some attention on him. He doesn't even need that much, you just need to not need to be the Center of the Universe At All Times. 

 US!Papyrus needs someone who's willing to call him out too, but gently. He hates being ordered around and will just avoid you if he feels like you're trying to control him unnecessarily. However just quick reminders that "hey, that kind of makes me uncomfortable, just a heads up" are usually enough of to set him on the right track. An unhealthy relationship with Stretch is a matter of time. Its a lot of small errors that snowball on itself.  He will constantly be going behind your back to do whatever he wants and will likely be pushing your buttons as far as he can because it feels like its the only way he gets a reaction out of you anymore. He also has a tendency to gaslight his partners when he thinks he can get away with it

Patch: A patch usually involves a pretty intense confrontation that directly takes him to task on his lack of honesty. It'll be unpleasant but its what needs to be done. This, however, is easier said than done, since Stretch is a master at sidestepping conversations he doesn’t want to have. Tie him down if you have to. And if he is genuinely uninterested in changing....you may just have to break it off.

SF!Sans devolves in at least partial toxicity more often than not. Keeping him on the straight and narrow is a complex matter. It requires a lot of patience and a lot of stubbornness because he will take control wherever you let him and it Will Not End Well. That said, once you've made some progress you can usually get him to take the next steps entirely on his own. He has a tendency to be very derisive of his partners and struggle to make them genuinely feel loved This isn’t because he doesn’t feel strongly, but because expressing those kinds of emotions are life-threatening where he comes from and he has no idea how to do it anymore. 

 Patch: There is no single patch that works every single time, but you will have to separate for a while. He will be in a place where he cannot and should not be around you physically, and you may want to avoid calling him for a while. Your absence makes him realize that he still cares about you , not just for what you can do for him, but as a person. Where it goes from there is up to you.

SF!Papyrus: he's pretty easy to track. The worse place he's in a relationship the more his substance abuse kicks up. Alcohol, weed, jacking off, sleeping at all hours of the day, pretty much anything that lets him escape. He starts losing track of his responsibilities even to Sans and you've picked him up out of a puddle of his own piss and vomit more often than you've kissed him good night the past 4 months.  What Rus needs is someone who can give  him the space he needs but still lets him know that they need him. Worse than anything is the idea that he's failing you. This behavior tends to pop up more frequently when you've just been injured or have been having a rough patch of fights because he feels like he's tying you down, and so self-destructively is making himself more incapable of being a good boyfriend in the hopes that maybe you'll leave him 

Patch: Like his brother its usually a somewhat lengthy process but what he needs more than anything is just firm support. Don't be a doormat, keep him away from his substances as best you can and get Black to help with that, but let him know that you're here for him and you always will be. Keep asking him to do little things for you, it makes him feel needed and wanted around. Its a process of months depending on how long he's been spiralling but he's pulled himself out of it before, and with your help, he'll hopefully do it again. 

#slight nsfw? #abuse #gaslighting #manipulation #depression #piss mention #vomit mention #undertale #underfell #underswap #swapfell #sans #papyrus #uf!sans #uf!papyrus #us!sans #us!papyrus #sf!sans #sf!papyrus #toxic relationship #headcanon #long post

[bitwarm9-blog]

A funny and inventive puzzle game where some times the ideal job is not the sweetest one.

Everything in porn games is designed to prevent you from reaching what its name means. Even basic activities like delivering parcels or cleaning the floor up are produced especially complex with physics that is unpredictable and silly off ice tools at your disposal. porn games is not much about finding a way to achieve your objectives from the most serene manner feasible, but is instead a fun playground for you as well as some buddies to muck about in. It truly is during its most useful when it gives you the flexibility to produce answers to puzzles using the madness that you orchestrate, just faltering in a small number of scenarios. porn games places you at the doing work boots of this illequipped and unqualified youngster of a mega-corporation's CEO, and also you are given every job potential as you climb the business ladder. The first floors are not simple --you sew up vibrant coloured goop off the ground, send packages to color-coded desks, and courier projectors to fulfilling rooms in need. As insignificant as it sounds, the most disorderly design of the offices combined with the loose, QWOP-like control strategy can make moving items feel just like you are spring-cleaning after a rough night outside in a pub. Dragging a projector, as an example, is tricky. It readily slides around while you drag itknocking on ornamental artwork bits and smashing the glass partitions of rooms that are meeting. porn games is not worried about just how long you finish work, but rather if you are ready to get it done span. Leaving a wreck of memos, fire extinguisher memory foam, and troubled coworkers in your aftermath just makes it more fun. Every thing in porn games is physically reactive, providing each tiny bump the potential to set off a chain reaction of destruction. Each level has been designed for this in your mind, forcing one to navigate through doors simply too modest to pull objects throughout, around twisting hallways filled up with precariously placed paintings and vases, and over electric cables that'll catch whatever you might be dragging with you. All these are presented not as barriers, but as pleasure chances to create havoc that can make your project a little easier. Electrical cables, for example, can be used as sling shots for workplace seats or even useless photocopiers, allowing you to smash walls to generate shorter paths or big doorways. You may re route wires to proceed other employees slowing your advancement too, disconnecting the deflecting television they've been fixated on and forcing them to return to get the job done. Motorized ground cleansers can take care of a trickle at a flash but can even work like a barely-controllable vehicle that communicates virtually everything infront of it. Many of porn games's office tools and tools function as you expect them to, however have the flexibility that you show them into ridiculous means of finishing your objectives. These targets vary with each degree, linking in to the themes of every one of these nine distinct flooring. These rapidly switch from aspiring corporate workspaces to colorful biomes filled with tiny ponds and over flowing plants and pristine labs home automatic robots along with an assortment of chemistry tools. Every single flooring's motif is a welcome change, and also the handful of levels over each are briskly-paced and avoid outstaying their welcome. Additionally, there are a few levels which are much larger in proportion than the remainder, which makes browsing them at your strolling speed that a bit of a chore. Without direct camera controller it is even harder to survey them larger levels rather than the more self-contained ones, so making them far less difficult to play through. Each ground also presents new mechanics, also porn games consistently joins them together with brand new types of targets and clever spins on repeating types. The process of cleaning up a mess is expanded upon in a subsequent point, at which you navigate a lab having a growing, gelatinous pink block that soaks up any dampness around it grows. It really is precisely the same mechanicyou're getting around a space and cleaning up a liquid mess--however, that the means of doing so vary sufficient to allow it to feel new. Watching the cube morph its shape to slim doors created by overhead pipes provides its purpose its very own distinctive feel, which makes it stick out instead of mix using distinct levels.

This really is among the several instances, together with porn games blending collectively its many different off-ice contraptions to enable you to develop your own personal solutions to puzzles. There are obvious ways to attain your objectives, also there are no puzzles that left me believing a solution for over a moment. Figuring out how to complete a degree at another manner was consistently rewarding, but thanks to its unpredictable reactions you will need to discover to accomplish a solution. It is worthwhile to encounter activities which you might not have considered--in my case, the way the vacuum-cleaner could be used as a portable explosive to ruin prohibitive amount designs --that lead to pockets of joyous discovery. You can play porn games equally sacred or with close friends in cooperative playwith, and also its malleable puzzle solutions allowed me to comfortably complete each one regardless of how many different people I was playing together with. On certain events, porn games does make overly complex with its puzzles due to its kind of gameplay to support. Some solutions need a level of precision which is both annoying and unsatisfying to coincide. In 1 case I'd to roll three huge boulders over to some zen garden, placing each into a particular hole. Rolling them in a specific leadership was challenging , but having them go off their marked spot using only the slightest touch caused it to be possible to lineup five in close proximity to eachother. In a second point I had been tasked with cleanup a lab floor absolutely, forcing me to hunt for tiny paint pixels over a floor strewn with knocked-over items and harmful security. In the two situations, porn games 1 the independence it encourages from finding methods to its puzzles, also loses most of its own pleasure in the practice. These moments are fleeting and not frequent enough to set you away from most porn games's bewitching and participating puzzles. It locates a middle ground between being a destructive playground along with an ingenious puzzler, together with enough number around to produce its brief playtime feel balanced. You certainly aren't the best person for all the tasks you're push into, however it's a lot of this fun permeates your way through it anyway and still getting the task done at the end of your afternoon.

#video games #video game #games #mobile games #android games #pc games #online games

[sheylafethurva]

The soup challenge

Diets, how many kinds do you know? How many have you tried? If so, how many challenges have you faced?

When it comes to diets, many, many questions come to our minds, but the reality is that that is not an absolute truth about it.

When choosing a diet, it is essential to think about some factors. What is your objective? What changes will you have to make in your routine? Can you keep those new eating habits?

I decided to adhere a diet called Soup Diet or Cabbage soup diet.

I heard about this diet years ago, back home, and recently I saw it again at a website I enjoy visiting from time to time - https://divascancook.com/

I decided then to give it a try.

It sounds challenging, and it is indeed.

This diet is very restrictive, but it claims to help you detox your system, also helping you to put some extra pounds off.

The challenge relies on the fact that you won't consume any gluten, eggs and added sugar.

The idea is not to change your eating habits, but give one week to your body to go enter on a cleansing mode.

The calorie ingestion is low, and the ingredients are restricted. You should eat cabbage soup every day, and well, it can be difficult.

I decided to give it a try and, as a chef, use my creativity to make this "sad" diet a little less boring.

The diet pattern is:

retrieved from:https://divascancook.com/wonder-soup-recipe-weight-loss-soup-7-day-diet-cabbage-soup/

As you can see, the diet plan is very straightforward. My goal was to follow it accordingly, changing some details to make the meals more pleasant and appealing.

To start this diet, the first step is to make the Cabbage soup, also called the wonder soup.

I took the recipe from https://divascancook.com/ 

Here it is:

Wonder Soup

Ingredients

1/2 head of Cabbage chopped

1 cup celery diced

1 cup white or yellow onion diced

1 cup carrots diced

1 green bell pepper diced

2-3 cloves garlic minced

4 cups chicken broth

14 oz can basil oregano, garlic diced tomatoes

1 teaspoon oregano

1 teaspoon basil

1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

few shakes of black pepper

1/2 teaspoon salt optional

Instructions

Heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat.

Add celery, onions, bell peppers, and carrots.

Saute until slightly tender.

Stir in garlic and cook until fragrant.

Pour in chicken broth.

Stir in tomatoes and Cabbage.

Bring to a boil and then reduce heat to a simmer.

Cook until Cabbage is tender.

Stir in oregano, basil, red pepper flakes, black pepper and salt (if using)

Taste broth and adjust seasoning if needed.

Serve and enjoy!

For my soup, I made some small but relevant modifications.

Starting by the cabbage, the star of the dish.

I decided to roast it with curry powder, cumin and smoked paprika. The intention os to add complexity and depth of flavour to a soup that would be my lunch and dinner for the next week

It worked very well. The Cabbage came out of the oven, releasing a smoky and delicious aroma, that aggregated a great flavour to the soup.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

I also added cremini and king oyster mushrooms in order to add texture and umami flavour.

Once you have your soup ready, i’s time to start.

 Below is the resume of my first three days:

Day 1

During this day, we are supposed to have only fruits (except bananas) and soup.

I didn't include any prohibited ingredients, just changed the way they were presented.

Breakfast

I started my day with warmed apples and pears, seasoned with cinnamon and nutmeg.  

The fruit's warm temperature, soft texture, and spicy fragrance made this meal much more pleasant and comforting.

I also had a cup of freshly brewed coffee.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Lunch

For lunch I had a big bowl of soup.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Snack

My snack was a big bowl of fruit salad and topped with sugar-free rustic red berries  coulis.

The fruits I chose were:

Cantaloupe, orange, fresh strawberries and blueberries.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

The sugar-free coulis is very easy to make and can work very well with yogurt, cakes, ice cream.

Here is the recipe:

Sugar- free red berries coulis 

1 cup of frozen red berries ( cherries, strawberries, raspberries and blueberries)

3 tbsps powdered stevia/erythritol

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 pinch of salt

Method

- In a pot add the powdered stevia/ erithritol and melt it in medium heat

- Once they are melted, add the fruits, vanilla and salt

-Let them cook for about 20 minutes in low heat

- If you want it to be rustic, let them cool down and use it as you please

- If you want it more fluid and smoothe, blend it once it is coll and strain it.

- Keep it in the fridge for 5-7 days.

Dinner

For dinner I had another big bowl of soup (same as lunch) and a bowl of mangoes with mint.Very simple but delicious and fresh.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Day 2

Breakfast

Day two is supposed to start with a baked potato. I decided to make a potato patty instead. I didn't add any cheese or other ingredients because it would modify a lot, however, it made my breakfast a bit fancier.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

For the potato patties here is the recipe:

 Ingredients:

1 boiled potato

Half onion

Half red bell pepper

Olive oil

Salt and pepper

Method:

Start by boiled the potato until it is very soft

Sweat the onions and red bell pepper with a little olive oil. salt and pepper.

Once the potato is soft, smash it with a fork until it becomes a puree.

Add the onions and red bell pepper and season it with salt and pepper.

Use your hand to shape the potato mixture into small patties. The size is up to you.

On a pan, drizzle some olive oil and brown the patties in both sides. About 5 minutes, 2.5 minutes each side.

Lunch

For lunch I had a big bowl of soup

Snack

 Carrot chips.

I just sliced them really thin, put a  bit of salt and baked for 30 min (200 F).

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Dinner

Since it was the vegetable day, I had a big bowl of soup and I made a coulifower “rice”, together with baked heart of palms, arparagus and a tomato, mango and mint salad.

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

The couliflower “rice is a very good low-carb option for a light and guity free meal.

Here is the recipe:

Couliflowe “rice”

1 couliflower

1tbsp olive oil

2 cloves garlic

1/2 onion

1/2 yellow bell pepper

Smoked paprika

Lemon juice

1 1/2 cup chicken stock

Parsley

Salt and pepper to taste

Method:

Clean the couliflower and process it in a food processor or blender. The idea is to minced it so it looks like rice grains.

Cut the onions and yellow bell pepper bruinoise

Chop the parsley

In a pot drizzle the olive oil

Sweat the onion and add the garlic

Add the yellow bell pepper and cook it for about 2 min

Add the cauliflower and blend all the ingredients well and season them with salt and papper

Add the paprika and lemon juice, mix well

Pour the chicken stock and let it be all absorbed by the “rice”.

When there’s no more liquid, your couliflower rice is ready.

Garnish it with parsley and enjoy.

Day 3

Breakfast

A bowl of apples with a whey protein sauce and cinnamom.

I cheated a bit with this whey protein sauce, but I was missing some kind of protein.

It is a good way to complement your fruit salad or cut fruit of your preference. You just need blend together 1 scoop of whey vanilla whey protein, and 1/2 scoop of water. Mix them together and use it as a sauce.

    Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Lunch

For lunch I had a big bowl of soup.

Dinner

For dinner I had a big bowl of soup and salad. My salad had mangoes and raspberries, since it was the veggie/ fruit day

Silva, S.(photographer). Downtown, Toronto, ON.

Day 4, 5, 6 and 7 I followed the guide without any alterations. I wanted to see how challenging it would be.

My Experience

This was a tough week.

Although I love soup, fruits, vegetables and chicken, this diet is to restrict for me to say that I liked it.

The first day was really good, actually, because I felt lighter, and I really didn’t feel hungry or anything.

The second day was harder but manageable.

From the 3 day on, I felt much hungrier than usual and craving for something more substantial.

What I realized is that those strict diets shouldn’t last long.

If you want to lose some weight fast for a special occasion or feel the need to do a detox, go for it. But now, more than ever, I realize the importance of balance.

Having the same soup for lunch and dinner for 7 days is not ideal.

Balance is everything, and it needs to be the guide for any diet we want to try.

Advice

My advice for the ones who want to try the soup diet is: increment your fruits/ veggies.

Try different cooking methods, pay attention to the presentation and vary them as much as you can.

Since you are eating mostly fruits and veggies for 7 days, try to incorporate different flavours, textures and temperatures. It is really important if you want to keep on track.

Also, don’t follow this diet for more than 7 days.

After one week, try no to eat super heavy meals. Reincorporate grains, dairy and proteins gradually.

You will lose some weight, so keep eating healthy if you want to keep the results.

Don’t forget to drink lots of water.

I don’t recommend this diet to people who do lots of exercises or the ones who have a stressful routine; the reduced amount of calories ingested can be insufficient for this kind of people, leading them to feel super tired, so their performance can be affected.

Would I continue with my choice?

Since this diet is not supposed to be followed as a lifestyle, I definitely wouldn’t keep following it.

However, whenever I feel I need a little detox, I may recur to it again.

More than ever, I see the importance of good food in our lives. Eating well, with pleasure, it’s groundbreaking.

I’m sure I am in the right industry because providing people with good food is really special.

[jayloncormierca]

Bongs And Such

Bongs And Such – Everything You Need To Know

For most heavy stoners, bongs are a common favourite smoking technique. They feel nice to hold, the water gives extraordinary filtration, the piece itself is a gem, and it’s one of  the most powerful ways to medicate from dry herb. As bongs have advanced from an underground development to an everyday smoking strategy, glass crafters have consummated a wide range of styles. In this blog I’ll be going over all the fundamentals of bongs and such:

How do bongs work?

What is a bong?

Which one is best for you?

Materials

Shape

Attachments

How Do Bongs Work?

To begin let me go over a couple terms with you so we can better understand and visualize what I’m talking about, this will make things much more comprehensible when we move forward. So working our way from the bottom of the bong to the top:

Base – The base is the foundation of your smoking equipment. The lifespan of your bong is dependent on the sturdiness of it’s base. A larger surface area will prevent it from tipping.

Chamber –  Located at the bottom just above the base this is where all the water sits.

Downstem – Connected to the chamber, can be built-in or detachable. This is the part of your bong where you attach the bowl. Once you light it, the smoke will travel from the bowl to the downstem, and into the chamber.

Bowl –  Connected to the downstem this is where you pack your weed.

Neck – Longest part of the bong this is where the smoke travels from the chamber to your mouth.

Mouthpiece – The end of the neck where you put your mouth to hit the bong.

Diffuser – Spreads the smoke out for a smoother, fuller hit. Can be located in several places in the bong. Usually in the form of slits.

Ice Holder – Holds ice in the neck, cools the smoke so you get a denser, more powerful hit.

Percolator – Separate device which can be built inside the bong, creating more distance for the smoke to travel from the bowl to your mouth, which cools the smoke and filters it.

Ash Catcher – Usually in the form of a bubbler attachment, catches ash instead of it going into the chamber.

Drag –  How hard it is to pull smoke out of your bong, the least amount of pull gives you more smoke.

Carb – A hole used to control the airflow this will be the other option if your bowl doesn’t come out to clear the chamber of smoke.

What Is A Bong?

A bong is a filtration device generally used for smoking cannabis, tobacco, or other herbal substances. In construction and function a bong is similar to a hookah, but smaller and easier to bring on the go. A bong may be constructed from any air- and water- tight vessel by adding a bowl and stem apparatus that guides air downward to below water level which creates upward bubbles during use. Bongs are an effective way to get medicated because you need very little weed and all the smoke is concentrated in the hit. No smoke is left to waste unlike a joint where it will keep smoking if left untouched.

What Bong Is Best For You?

Now that we’re familiar with parts of a bong we can talk about all the different selections out on the market, they vary in shape, size and material. Before going out to buy one you need to ask yourself what is the use of this bong? Is it going to be your everyday hitter? Will you be taking it with you on the go? The more complex the design of it, the harder it will be to clean. So remember each one has its own pros and cons and figuring out which is best for you will help narrow down your bong of choice.

You’re also going to want to take into account your budget, as bongs can vary in price from around $30 all the way up to $500+. Remember an expensive one won’t necessarily mean it’s good for you. As you get higher up the price line, you begin to see more and more unique designs, high-quality craftsmanship, filtration, etc.  However, unless you are a glass collector, or getting a hefty discount, there’s no reason to pay more than $300 for a high quality one.

Bong Materials

These days a bong can be made of almost anything: acrylic or plastic, ceramic or bamboo, even silicone! Acrylic or plastic water pipes can be way less pricey and translucent so you can see the quality of the water in your bong, but they lack the creativity of glass pieces and can’t typically be modified, making them a less flavorful option but good for on the go purposes. Ceramic pipes can be less expensive than glass, absolutely beautiful and more durable, but also much more difficult to clean, causing them to have a shorter lifespan when used a lot. Bamboo is sturdy and stylish and can last a lifetime. Silicone is super durable and flexible, and ideal for travelling or packing away in a suitcase.

Of course, glass is the most classic and the best in terms of modifications and add-ons. When figuring out the durability of a potential glass bong, look at the thickness of the glass. It will be measured by millimetres usually marked on the bottom. The thinnest will be 3.2mm and thickest 7mm. Thicker and heavier the less chance of breaking if dropped or hit. Lastly the best option would be borosilicate (aka Pyrex). This glass contains 5% boric acid and undergoes a procedure called ‘Annealing’ which strengthens it.

Shape

The bong shape will affect its durability, portability and how it performs. The larger and wider the chamber means more space for bubbling action resulting in smoother fatter hits. As well if it has a long neck the smoke will take more time to travel which cools the smoke as you inhale. I’ll list below a couple popular bong shapes that you’ll see:

Straight Shooter Bong – The straight cylinder is the most essential water pipe style and is the mos basic. Pieces in this style are anything but difficult to clean, and have a great look. Straight cylinders clear a lot quicker than bongs of different styles, making for bigger hits and less drag.

Zig Zag Bong – Zig-zag molded have a couple of advantages. In the first place, zig zag shapes have a wonderful appearance. Second, and all the more essential, keep the water from coming up from the water chamber and into your mouth.

Recycler Bong – To the extent bong styles go, recyclers will in general be more specialized. Be that as it may, this one of a kind style conveys additional smooth hits, on account of the filtration, it takes the smoke through the filtration process numerous times. In the wake of going through a percolator, the smoke is then steered through a bigger water chamber. Most recyclers have one chamber inside another, or both joined to the outside.

Percolator Bong – Percolator are exceptionally effective in separating smoke. It is for the most part have something like two percolators. The percolators contain numerous cuts, which diffuses the smoke as it travels through.

Beaker Bong – This type looks just like the beakers used by chemists, but in essence they are much like tube bongs, except the bottom is flared. Their big advantage over tube-style ones is that they are more stable when placed on a flat surface.

Bong Attachments

Last the cherry on top is the bong attachments! Plenty of bongs can be customized for added functionality and design. If you already have one or have a straight shooter you can always beef up it’s specs. Maybe you want to clean yours less? You can buy an ash catcher which goes in between your bowl and bong. This will keep it much cleaner because the ash will go in the catcher oppose to the chamber of it. Some ash catchers are also built in with a perc, this will create more bubbles and space for your smoke to travel.

Percolators are built in many shapes, the most popular are honeycomb, inline, tree and shower head. These can be very intricate pieces and may need extra care when cleaning. Depending on your preference some percs will add extra pull so the key is to balance the amount of drag and bubbling action. Remember some bongs do have built in percs so you might not need to buy a separate attachment. If you’re unsure about an attachment try taking a dry hit with no herb just water, see how hard you need to pull to create bubbles. Also feel if your bong might be too heavy to pick up or if the weight is more on one side causing it to tip.

Now You Know All About Bongs And Such

There is an endless selection of bongs and such to choose from and finding the right one can be very difficult. The perfect one for beginners in my opinion would be a straight shooter made with a nice thick glass. It has a solid base so it’s hard to tip over, easy to clean and will usually come with ice catchers and a diffused down stem. This is probably the best starter bong set up especially if you’re not keen on spending an arm and a leg. Have fun looking at all the options in you’re disposal and don’t be afraid to experiment with different setups. In time you will find your holy grail bong and I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

If you’ve enjoyed my guide on bongs and found it informative please leave a comment in the post. You can also buy weed online and the necessary accessories to make your blunt at weed-deals.ca, a top online dispensary in Canada. Make sure to sign up to receive up to date news on the marijuana industry and deals on premium weed and cheap weed.

By Terpene Terminator – December 2, 2019

The post Bongs And Such appeared first on Weed-Deals.

source https://weed-deals.ca/bongs-and-such/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=bongs-and-such source https://weeddeals.blogspot.com/2019/12/bongs-and-such.html

[gbynvr]

40.

I have the beautiful honor of having a pen pal.

He lives over 2,000 miles away, but every time I receive a letter from him it feels like he’s whispering all the words right into my ear.

There is something so precious about that… About how words on paper in the handwriting of a friend can be etched onto your heart as you read them silently to yourself. There’s something so personal about it.

Recently I opened a letter from him that ended with “Gaby, I want to hear more about DACA from you, if you want to, because I just don’t understand how this could be something that hundreds of thousands of people are having adversity against with this government, there is no compassion… I’d love to hear your story on life when you moved away from Peru until now that you’re working and pioneering, whenever you have time to spare a few sentences.”

Well Haz, I have some time and I’d love to spare more than a few sentences, if you’ll have them. (as I mentioned to you privately I will be touching on everything else in your letter via our normal postal method of communication, and I hope you don’t mind I’m answering this part of your letter on my blog, but it’s been a while since I’ve blogged something other than a poem, and I’m itching to write about this, so it seemed appropriate).

When I read that part of the letter, my heart throbbed, because I surprisingly don’t get asked about this… not in the way I feel I want to be asked about it, and not from people that really care. No one looks at me and asks “hey, how has your tumultuous cultural and illegal upbringing been for you, how has immigration shaped your life, how are you dealing with this piece of crap DACA thing?”

And I don’t want that to discredit the people that have tried to provide love and compassion to me in regards to my legal situation, but honestly I’ve never felt like my american friends get it, or care, or really want to understand, and that makes it easier to bury any emotional complication regarding this issue deep inside me. Which is sometimes quite toxic.

With the exception of Shannon, who has legitimately wept with me and taken time to sympathize with all my internal confusion on being an immigrant, many of my white friends don’t have time to listen to my insecurities, and even if they did, I can see in their eyes they don’t care. And that’s okay, because a lot of it I can’t explain to myself. So much of me is carved from my perception of the world, and that vision can sometimes be cynical, it can be sad, and it can be ungrateful, and I know my white friends can’t and shouldn’t have to hear about that.

But with Hazael, I know he asks because he cares. I know that what I say is of importance to him, and I have no doubt every word will be valued. So I’m dedicating this post to all my troubling insecurities and forgotten fears, many of which are still present but ignored. I’m not going to spare my feelings, and I will not apologize for blaming certain experiences in my life for my insecure feelings. I want to be honest so I can understand more about myself.

Here goes.

Recently I posted a poem here titled “CITIZEN”. I wrote this after my USCIS biometrics appointment, if you don’t know what that is, look it up… This poem did a decent job of describing the bits of me that feel afraid or broken, or maybe angry at my live’s situations. I suggest you read it before reading the rest of this. 

Though the appointment wasn’t traumatic in any way, it still encouraged me to write. 

It went as well as it could’ve gone, I hate those things even if at the end of it I was handed a cotton candy bag, I hate anything with a legal authority.

You can’t expect much from places like that anyway, run by big white men who are more privileged than you and look down on you. You can’t expect dignity to be shown to you in an place where their job is to bring up all the things that make you legally undignified… That being said it went fine. In and out, picture, fingerprints, twenty minutes, done.

To them, it’s another sad DACA kid going through the legal motions, to me I’m trying to do everything right… to me every step is thought out, every smile, every “thank you, have a nice day” every polite gesture. To me, I’m always making up for the fact that I’m illegal, at least in official situations like a biometrics appointment. I’m always the best I can be because I have to prove that I’m worth taking a chance on. I’m worth your empathy, I’m worth your kindness… whilst in the back of my mind wondering, “Am I?”

And it’s been this way for as long as I can remember. That feeling of climbing a rope that has no end. That hopeless idea of what normalcy is behind my fake life built on pretend normalcies of things that could at any moment end. It’s that undebatable knowledge that no matter what I want to tell myself, or others for that matter, I do not belong here.

And that’s shaped me. Inevitably, it’s that lingering thought, like a ringing in the back of my head that constantly makes me feel inferior, that as a child made me feel less than, underprivileged, unable to dream… And those feelings were quickly followed by deeper darker feelings of self uncertainty, or worthlessness,  or even of ugliness. One could ask themselves how a legal status could make me feel ugly, but it’s not that complicated of a connection. This is because inferiority has given me a deep feeling of insecurity, which makes for a young girl like me, and much younger girl growing up, much too keen on noticing her flaws, oh so many flaws… so many of those flaws going back to my ethnicity, the whole origin of me.

Here are some moments of feeling internal and thus external ugliness:

5th grade: Substitute teacher asks me if I’m hispanic because of my name and I’m assuming also my looks, I say yes, and in front of the entire class she asks “are you a citizen?” dumbfounded and terrified I reply “yes” my face beaming with redness my stomach dropping, my eyes burn, and I’m racing through my mind wondering if lying was wrong, if my family will get in more trouble now that I’ve lied about our status, should I just have said no? But then she could have made a call.

7th grade: Social Studies class, we were learning about “illegal aliens” and the process in which people come into the country, along with various aspects of visas and passports. Mrs. Violet asks me to share how my family came to have citizenship since I came to the states after I was already born in Peru. Deep breath, don’t stutter, poised tone. I repeated the story I had told myself would be my cover story anytime this was brought up, the one I wish was really mine to tell. “My father was petitioned for citizenship by his sister whose been here for a long time, after many years he was accepted and therefore him and my mom could have residency and then citizenship, with them being citizens, their kids, being my siblings and I are almost automatically citizens, the process isn’t as difficult at that point”. It wasn’t a complete lie, my dad had been petitioned but it was after all of us were already here, and the process would take 10 years to work, if at all… and it didn’t, but we’ll get into that.

Sophomore year: French class, Mrs. Milone is talking about immigrants as she commonly does because she is a feisty French woman who always wants to know opinions and touches controversial subjects almost as often as she wears stripes, and I love her for this. But this time was sad. Milone is discussing how she thinks more immigrants should come, or how at least the ones here should be treated better. My close friend Elizabeth speaks up, “they just come here without any invitation and stay as long as they want and they are legally not supposed to be here why would we do anything for them or their kids, I just don’t get why they stay here when they can go back.” I remember feeling so betrayed so disgusted with her, but then immediately being so disgusted with myself. I remember feeling guilty, because I felt I had deceived someone into being my friend, who maybe wouldn’t want to be if they knew my entire story. How many other people feel this way? Elizabeth was an open minded individual, but this comment seemed so distinct to her normally understanding and thoughtful approaches on subjects. Maybe every open minded person I’d met feels like this, maybe I’m balancing on a thin line of acceptance that could end any moment with my truth. Maybe it’s not maybe, maybe it just is.

These are only 3 of the many, many times I had to hide my uncomfortable soul from crumbling in front of people when I felt victimized by a stereotype or a slang or anything derogatory about people like me.

Every immigrant’s story is different, each one has it’s sadness but there’s always one that’s worse, someone who has had it harder and someone who has had it better. It’s not hard to compare or empathize, but sometimes I feel guilty for feeling privileged over those who have less opportunities than me, and sometimes I feel envious of those with more. But that’s the complexity behind being reminded of where your privilege lands on this Earth. and growing up I was reminded of it constantly… Maybe it would have helped to grow up in another part of America, with less white beauty, or more poverty, or just more people like me… but I didn’t, I grew up in a really beautiful part of this country surrounded by people who had very different lives from mine. This confused my view of life… because I knew the majority of people around me couldn’t understand much about my background. So yes, every immigrant’s story varies, mine’s not the worst, and it’s not the best, but it’s mine, and here it is.

I was six years old when we moved to America. I can still feel the butterflies. I used to think America was in the clouds, that we had to take a plane up there, a place so high up it was the closest you could get to heaven. At the time, my idea of America was what every child in a third world country’s idea of America was… I used to think only the greats were there.

So let’s go back 14 years (14 freakin years), let’s go back to playing under the dining room table with plastic bags, let’s go back to lucuma ice cream on Saturday mornings with my mom singing the kitchen. Let’s go back to silly voices and hide and seek, let’s go back to anticuchos with my grandparents, and songs with Mamachita about Ayacucho, let’s go back to laughing with my cousins, and all our bubblegum games, let’s go back to freedom, to trips to Chimbote, and hot chicken soup on a summer day, to chicha morada at every gathering, let’s go back to my grandma scratching my back and to translated cartoons, and my God, let’s go back to that one trip to the zoo.

But let’s also go back to cat calls on the way home from school at 4 years old, let’s go back to robbery, let’s go back to never going outside, let’s go back to poor, let’s go back to Dad crying, let’s go back to worrying if he’ll come home safe that night, let’s go back to not making ends meet, let’s go back to no future, let’s go back to mom and dad taking turns leaving for six months to make some cash to send back home, let’s go back to bargaining education with the money to survive.

… I remember being six and packing all my favorite things into a small barbie suitcase that still smelled new. It was a gift from my aunt, one of the only new things I had and I cherished it, inside I put a journal with all my little thoughts, I threw in my favorite pencils, my doll, my stickers I got for Christmas the year before, and other random things that I valued so much at the time. I remember taking in a deep breath smelling that delicious new plastic smell tainted with a hint of my house, and closing it up. “For safe keeping” I thought to myself. I didn’t want anything to happen to my precious belongings while I was away, but “I’ll be back soon” I kept telling myself. The barbie suitcase was left with our other special belongings in the back room at the end of the hall way in our childhood home. The home my parents built. The home that was my entire world back then… After locking the room I waved goodbye to Martin, my imaginary friend, and we were off.

My parents told me we were going to America to visit my uncle in Florida, “that’s where Disney is!” they said. So if anyone in the airport asked, that’s what we were supposed to say, we were simply going on vacation, therefore we only brought a few belongings…our suitcases were so small, because we were pretending to only be going for a short time. Being that little I didn’t know that. I really thought we were going to Disney, I really thought we’d go back home soon. I remember how long that feeling stayed. Even a couple years later my heartache for Peru was so strong…

I remember feeling nervous, but excited. I was practicing my “hello” which was bathed in a thick accent. However, my excitement turned into fear pretty quickly after entering the US, with not being able to understand anyone, and instantly missing my Grandma, I just remember feeling confused. I held onto my Dad’s leg, I remember the way his jeans smelled, I remember because they smell like that now, and no matter what, that smell can get me through anything.

I remember bits of our short time in Florida.. mostly I can visualize my Uncle’s home. It was huge… I found out later he wasn’t really our uncle, he was a far off relative of my Dad’s who let us stay with his family for 4 nights before we went to New York. It was a good thing this was the first place we stayed in, it kept the illusion of America alive… My uncle had a son, a little younger than Olga who spoke a butchered Spanish, I remember asking him if he spoke English and him giving me a weird look and replying with an “of course” followed by my sisters sushing me for asking such a stupid question. But in my innocence I was stunned that he was so American, I looked at all his toys and his room, so much more luxurious than anything I’d ever seen, and he spoke English! If this was America, I was ready for it.

But I found out later that week, America wasn’t all my Uncle’s big beautiful house in Florida, there was so much to learn about this new place. And it all came quite shockingly when we flew to my aunt in NY. It was February, it was cold, and snowy, and I remember wondering why it was so dirty. Why wasn’t it the way it was in The Grinch where everything was lit up and beautiful? Why were the streets dark and sad, why was my Aunt’s apartment so small? I remember sleeping on her couch, Rodrigo by my feet, I realized Disney was out of the question and I remember feeling lost. I can recall beginning to wonder how long it would be until we went back home.

Not too long after that we were living in a basement apartment, and I was in school. There were so many kids who spoke Spanish that my classes were actually in Spanish, it didn’t feel too crazy to be there anymore. I felt like i could fit in. We had our family with us, my aunts and uncles lived in New York, sometimes things felt like being back in Peru.

Shortly into our time living in the first basement apartment, the place started flooding, I remember my mom fell on the cold wet floor before work one day, she was working in a factory at the time and had an evening job too, my dad had a couple jobs as well, she was in so much pain I felt so bad she had to work in that condition.

We moved out of that apartment into a different basement place. My parents had managed to save up a little bit of money at the time. It wasn’t much, maybe a couple thousand dollars, but it was all we had ,and it was the first building block of our lives here. One terrible day someone came in through the window when no one was home and took the money from under the mattress leaving just a couple hundred dollars in its place, how very thoughtful of them…

The way my mother sobbed was heart wrenching. “We have nothing” she kept saying. They were so heart broken, my dad and her, so defeated. They had worked so tirelessly those first few months in America. I knew they missed home, they missed their language, their food, their comfort, and their freedom… Everything was already so new, this was something they were not prepared to handle. They had done everything they could to ensure we would have food, shelter, clothes, and on top of this, they had to start saving for our future, because that’s why we were here, for our future. Mom and Dad had given up on a comfortable life for the two of them, they were going to work until their bones shattered if it meant giving us a chance. And then, to feel like you’re getting somewhere… like you’re finally back on your feet and then be violated that way, they were just so destroyed.

This also made them worry for us, here we are living in a place with less safety than we had in Peru. How could it be worse than what we left behind?

Unsurprisingly, not too long after that incident we moved to Rhode Island. My mom and Dad had a beautiful way of doing that, of problem solving, and putting us first. We would not continue living in a place where we were going to be in danger, where people could brake into where we slept at night, they wanted more for us. So we packed our things and left.

We lived with my aunt Lucia for a few months before finding a place of our own. we all started new school again… this time the kids were all white, everyone spoke English and the only person I could talk to was my ESL teacher. I used to have such bad anxiety going to school I remember my dad dropping me off in the morning and I hated letting go of him. Out of the 6 hours in the school day I would silently sob for at least 3. First grade, no-english-gaby was a rough time.

Mom and Dad started working at Burger King and Wendy’s, until the manager at Burger King realized their Social Security cards weren’t going through and he had to fire them. Again they were so broken. But they got back up. Mom picked up a cleaning job at a laundry mat in the evenings, and a hotel job on the weekends. My dad started to work at Ruby Tuesday’s. They both still had Wendy’s on top of this. Thinking back now, there were times they each had three or four jobs.

In those jobs they weren’t always treated decently. You have to understand, part of the stigma that comes with being an immigrant is the jobs they have. my parents worked more diligently and selflessly for us than anyone I’ve ever known… despite grueling shifts, and co workers making their lives difficult, they always kept their head up. But people don’t see that when they see them, They just see an ignorant Spanish worker. 

One day I’ll never forget was the day my Dad quit Ruby Tuesday’s. He had been sitting on the couch the week before looking so upset. I cuddled up next to him to see what was wrong. He told me they had been purposefully leaving extra work for him and laughing at him when he did it. One of the workers had dropped something on the floor next to him so they could all watch him pick it up and laugh. He began to cry when he told me this. It was the 3rd time in my life I had seen him cry. The first was when he quit smoking, the second was when we got robbed and he cried with mom, and the third was this. I was so angry, and so hurt, I wanted to take away all his embarrassment and pain, I wanted to fight anyone who made him feel like this. My father is the smartest person I know, he is a genius. He is an artist. He is a chef, He can tailor a suit like no one else, he can do anything… And no one else saw this. I’m not one for appearances, but my father is the greatest human on this earth, he’s also incredibly humble. So you can understand my heartbreak when I hear about a bunch of idiots making his life miserable because they think he’s just another stupid immigrant who won’t fight back. When people see immigrants working low paying jobs, they think these people are the worst of the worst, and they are therefore treated that way… But these people are my father and mother. These people are the greatest people I’ve met. They are better than me, better than them, better than anyone who has had life handed to them on a silver platter. They are smart, hard working, loving, passionate, and whole. And they are also the ones who get laughed at. And that is a terribly unfair fact.

…. When we first moved to RI we didn’t see them together often but we always had one parent around, they made sure we weren’t alone too often. Still, we were alone a lot. The apartment we lived in at this time was a summer home that we were renting out in the winter so the rent would be cheaper. It was beautiful and big, and actually a real home. I remember running through all the rooms so shocked we were really going to live in a place like this. It seemed too good to be true… and it kinda was. We had to sleep in the same room, sometimes all sharing a bed by pushing them together, I remember putting my cold feet between my Dad’s warm legs at night. We couldn’t afford to heat the entire house, so we’d have a tiny heater in the back room and all cuddle up. I know this sounds weirdly sad, but it’s not… I still dream of those night together. Sometimes, poverty can be so uniting.

I remember the first Christmas in that house. We all got gifts. Real gifts. I couldn’t believe it. we sat with crossed legs on the floor while Mom and Dad passed around our presents my Dad filming everything on his old Camera he’d been using with us since I was 3. They were so proud, they were so happy to be able to give us something. I wish I could go back and tell them not to worry about it, that we were happy with everything else they had done for us, I wish I could tell them at that time just how proud they make me feel everyday. I’d also probably tell them to stop with Christmas already, but that’s another story, I’ll save our “learning the truth” story for another post because it’s an entirely different tale.

Going back to that night, I can recall that some of the gifts were obviously donated, but some stuff was new, I found out later in life that it was because my parents used to go to a charity that gave toys for families with lots of kids and little money, that charity saved a lot of Christmases for us… we only got personalized gifts on our birthdays. I remember how excited I was when I turned 7 in that house and my parents got me a baby blue barbie scooter and buggie. I was over the moon with excitement.

Another weird memory of that birthday was my bratty American cousin, (Lucia’s nephew) asking about my gifts later that week and when I showed him my new toys with pride and a big grin, he laughed and said “that’s it?”, I was so embarrassed. Which is stupid, looking back now, I shouldn’t have been embarrassed, he was the one being rude, not me… and besides compared to the 7 year olds in Peru celebrating their birthdays I was living it up with my new toys.

… After the winter season ended, we had to move out of that cozy real home and into another apartment, this time above another hispanic family in a small white house. My siblings and I all shared a room, and  my parents makeshifted their room into a living room/bedroom/playroom. Life was comfortable in this time, until our downstairs neighbors moved out and were replaced with an American couple. I won’t get into it too much, but these people were horrible. They would bang the ceiling when we walked around, give us the finger when we saw them, just basically constantly harass us… But we were illegal and a bit ignorant so we never said anything, because we were afraid no one would be on our side.

One day, after a weekend in which the boyfriend living downstairs had been particularly rude, I was looking a bit glum in class. As a 7 year old I was sad that my family had to go through this and it was showing in my general attitude. The girlfriend was a TA in my school and I guess noticed me looking down, she took this as initiative to ask me about my family. She wanted to know if anyone in my family was dangerous, I mentioned I had an Uncle who was a drug addict and self harmed a lot, he was scary I told her, but he lived in Peru so I wasn’t worried. She listened and took this information to her boyfriend, who wanted us out from the moment he came across us. So they called DCYF. I remember a man came to our apartment and asked to meet everyone, he asked us about anyone cutting themselves here and inspected all of our arms, then he asked to meet the men in the house… at the time my older cousin and his girlfriend were living with us, work was slow in NY so we had taken them in for some time. The DCYF guy didn’t find anything, and eventually that little issue faded away but it was so scary and I felt so guilty, I thought because of me we could have gotten deported, or my cousin could have gotten deported. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong. And that seemed to be a running theme in my life… no matter how minuscule of an act there was always a thought in the back of my head that it could lead to us getting deported.

After the DCYF incident the harassment didn’t stop. The boyfriend came to our door once and said he had bought out the house and we had to leave, that there was no point in contacting the owners, he was the owner now. We obviously didn’t believe it, but we were scared… Another time he knocked when my siblings and I were home alone… He was screaming at Olga and probably drunk, I remember he called her a bitch, and she began to cry… she was only 13. I remember she took it upon herself to call 911, and they told her to hold the phone behind her back while he yelled so they could listen. Shortly after that, the cops came and defended us, scolding him for behaving so horribly to children. This was my first good interaction with a legal authority figure, and I remember feeling comforted, but it didn’t take away my fear of them.

Following this and a few more incidents we moved out. We moved across the street into an apartment complex called Oxbow Farms, (kind of a weird name since there was nothing farmlike about the place) Anyway, we ended up living there until I was 17. By that time Mom and Dad had saved up enough money to buy a house. They had worked minimum wage jobs for 11 years at this point and had managed to save up a tiny fortune… enough to by a home in cash. I’m telling you, they’re superhuman.

The home we bought was disgusting. It had potential but it was all trashed, it took literally days to get the crap out and my Dad (the genius) rebuilt both bathrooms and completely renovated the basement, adding two bedrooms for Rod and I and a second living room. 

And that’s where we are still living now. And it looks beautiful, it stuns me to know this is our life, this is our home. They did it. 

With the income of all of us put together we are able to keep this place rolling. Thankfully we are older now. We all have proper jobs, Mom only has to work 2 days a week and my dad still kills himself from 4 AM to 1:30 PM 5 days a week as a maintenance man in McDonalds, but they each only have one job. He says he’s used to that schedule, he’s been waking up at 4:00 AM for the past 14 years.

Regardless of how life is now, it’s fair to say they are less stressed out and life is calmer. Their work ethic the first few years here really payed off. 

We bought the house under my sister Olga’s name since she had a social security number… as a matter of fact we all do at this point.

This is because in 2012 DACA was passed. It was a executive order put through by Obama which provided the four of us with the ability to get a license, a job, and go to school… Essentially, this changed our lives. Without it, none of us could work, or drive… never mind get a car, or a career. This tiny bit of documentation allowed us to dream in a country that had for so long ripped our hopes out of what to reach for. It gave us the a taste of freedom. A sense of normalcy, a way to fake our permanency here. DACA made all the crap from our childhood worth it. It made everything my parents worked so hard for make sense.

I remember driving around with my mother in Bristol one day, we had grabbed some coffee and gone to a few thrift stores. I was telling her about how my job was going, at the time I was working at a daycare and at a law office, where I still work now… I remember the feel of her stare on me as I drove through the neighborhood. I asked her what she was so focussed on and she replied with “just you… your independence, the fact that this is your life, what I would have given to be able to have days like this at your age.” And she was so right. 20 year old me in Peru would not have the freedom to drive around alone aimlessly reading books on a sunny day sipping carefully brewed coffee from a local shop. Because that could-have-been-Gaby would have been too scared of getting robbed, too afraid of being abducted, or of getting raped. She would have been more concerned with her safety than she would be with how up to date she was on her cultural literature, or any form of art… My world would have been so different. And so much about me would have had no chance of making its way in my soul.

For everything that America has taken, it’s given me a lot. And that internal complication makes for an interesting love/hate relationship. I love my life now. Sure we had a good 8 years of real, genuine struggle in this country but we were kids… we were simple. We didn’t need much, we just needed each other and we needed to survive, and we did. But our life once we started becoming more independent, that’s a life few people on Earth get to experience.

Despite the daily fear and feeling of inferiority, I still get to have my life. I still get to ponder. I have the time and the opportunity to explore who I am in a way I wouldn’t have been able to do in Peru. America is a place for dreamers, it’s not all fair, and it’s definitely not all flowers and sunshine… But what you want to do here you can do it. And that’s pretty spectacular.

You can have multiple jobs here, explore what it is you like. It’s possible to make money, to build up small careers out of hobbies. America is made for hustlers, and that’s why immigrants succeed, because we are natural born opportunity seekers. We are hungry for the chances to make our life better. Not in a vain, greedy way…at least not for my family. We simply comprehend where our privilege lies on this earth and we don’t take that for granted.

I remember walking to school in Peru, watching kids beg to wash people’s cars for just a little bit of money so they could survive. I remember them walking around barefoot, I can hear their tears. And I will never understand why this is my life now and most of those kids are still struggling. I hate America for allowing me the opportunity to get comfortable with DACA, it gave me a breather, a chance to let down my walls. I could see myself as a young woman, as a grown up independent person making her way. I forgot what it felt like to constantly be reminded of my temporaries. And I know that now with DACA being rescinded I will inevitably go back to that scared little girl, always thinking deportation is around the corner, but I also love America for the time it gave me. For the time I had here to find out who I was. I have had fun in my life, I have not suffered, I have not had to look in my kitchen wondering why there is no food. I am healthy, I have the chance to make tomorrow be whatever I choose it to be. I have experienced culture beyond the ground I was born on and I am blessed… I am so much more blessed than I deserve to be.

So that’s where we are now, in limbo of going and staying. I do not know Peru, I do not feel it’s my home. But I love that it’s where I came from and if life takes me back there, I’m no longer a child, I’m no longer a small frightened kid. I know life is not always on my side, and I’m ready for something new. I have moments where I sit and think about how much I hate being unwanted in a place where I’ve cuddled up my life in for 14 years, but the feeling passes, I can swallow that reality… I can move on.

There’s a lot more to our story that hasn’t been mentioned, a lot more insecurities, a lot more unfair treatment, and also a lot more smiles, and laughs, a trips as a family. There has been a lot of good, a lot of great, and some bad. There have been more jobs than ones I’ve mentioned, more tears, but these years have also built us up. I don’t think I’d change my life. I don’t think I could take the guilt of having had absolutely zero suffering. I already feel too bad for the blessings I have, that others don’t… the blessings that many people in my family living back in Peru don’t have. I don’t know how people do it. How most Americans live calmly in their fake beauty and life of privilege without wondering why they’re so lucky.

I want so badly to live in a place where I’m not reminded of my limits. I want a solution. And if that doesn’t come, I don’t want to continue living in fear, I won’t do it again. I can’t.  But I’m thankful for every little thing life has given me. I have complexities in my expressions, but I do not take existing for granted.

[therummesoccupied]

Home Run: What We Can Learn From Sonic Mania

           Over a year after the 25th anniversary of the release of Sonic the Hedgehog for the SEGA Genesis, the Blue Blur’s first commemorative quarter-century title has finally hit digital shelves – that is, for owners of the Xbox One, Playstation 4, and Nintendo Switch consoles. While PC players have to wait an extra couple of weeks to download the game, Sonic Mania’s historical significance in the world of video games is lost to no one. Mania is one of the earliest examples, if not the earliest example of a notable company handing the reigns to one of their flagship series to their fans and seeing how they fare. Put together by a dream team of Sonic fan creators, such as Christian Whitehead, who also worked on enhanced ports of Sonic 1, Sonic 2, and Sonic CD, Tyson Hesse, who provided artwork for a number of Archie Comics’ adaptations of the franchise, Tee Lopes, known for his extensive backlog of Sonic music remixes, and a talented group of other fan creators, Sonic Mania utilizes resources from SEGA to present a letter of true love to the classic Sonic titles of old. By bringing unique, creative design ideas to tried-and-true level construction, and implementing an expressive, nostalgic aesthetic style, Mania manages to overcome many of Sonic’s rockier elements and outshine its flaws with a game that not only reminds us what we loved about old Sonic games, but also to bring new ideas for the table that leave us excited for future possibilities.

           Sonic Mania takes everything there was to love about classic Sonic level design and turns it up to eleven. Long, twisting paths traversed at breakneck speeds, thrilling stunts, and extreme 90’s grandeur are all front-in-center, putting the player in an exhilarating position of awe while needing to maintain a quick thought process in order to keep the hedgehog on the right track. When Sonic isn’t bursting forward at the speed of sound, he’s required to traverse carefully crafted puzzles and platforming sections that ask the player for a bit of clever thought. All of this has been present in Sonic games before, but never so well-balanced as it is in Mania. Whenever the player is going fast, (ha) it feels like they are doing just that, not like they’re just along for the ride, a noted flaw of many older Sonic games. The player is given just enough control and asked to make just enough decisions during these high-speed sections to be given a feeling of agency many might say Sonic has always been lacking. The low-speed areas are portioned and placed just right so that they don’t feel like they’re hindering the player’s speed, but rather, these lulls only serve to build anticipation, getting the player more and more eager to hit the “open road” of the speedier areas, so that when they finally work their way through the tricky yet engaging platforming segments, the subsequent speed feels like a reward for their good thinking rather than giving the impression that they’re finally getting back to the “real game.” With old ideas being improved upon, the development team also implemented numerous newer ideas, each worked into the game in shockingly creative ways – I won’t spoil anything, but this marriage of old and new ideas is especially prevalent in the boss fights. Each one brings back a classic component of Sonic history and presents it in such a unique, clever way that the battles are honestly my favorite part of the entire game. The game similarly uses its distinct new concepts to escape the trap of monotony, as each level has its own unique design cues and constructive elements so that the game never feels the same from one Zone to the next, yet also manages not to lose the feeling of consistency. Each part of this game manages to capture something timeless about the Sonic franchise and spin it around so that we are able to see it in a totally new light, leaving us in awe of it once more.

           In terms of visual style, one might say that Sonic has never run so smoothly. All of this game’s motion is nearly seamless, giving us a clearer picture of the fluidity and momentum we’ve come to expect from the Sonic franchise. The Sonic series has additionally never looked so expressive – with colors appearing to be the brightest they’ve ever been, and exaggerated movements and shapes abound. Every action and object in this game is distinct and draws attention in such a way that the player, while speeding through the game’s environments, is still able to perceive and appreciate each and every creative touch sprinkled throughout the scene. In addition to being packed with visual creativity, the game also boasts an impressive soundtrack, composed by Tee Lopes. Lopes presents us a throwback to the funky, ambient tunes of Sonic CD, while managing to keep levels from other previous entries in the series both true to their original styles and revamped to fit the sound of the new game. Lopes has once again shown his prowess when it comes to adding a fresh yet fitting twist to classic Sonic tunes. The game additionally boasts phenomenal animated cutscenes, directed by renowned web-based artist Tyson Hesse. Hesse applies a flexible and vivid lens to the classic Toei animations we saw back in the 90’s with Sonic CD and the Sonic the Hedgehog OVA. The distinct shapes, colors, and animations shown in these scenes give us view of what is, in my opinion, some of the best Sonic the Hedgehog artwork currently available anywhere.

           Unfortunately, the game is, like any other game, not without its shortcomings. Over time, it becomes evident that some of the enormous and complex level design, might be a little too meticulous, with some portions of the game abruptly bringing Sonic to a halt to solve puzzles the player simply isn’t in the mindset for. These roadblocks can get to be quite frustrating and confusing, as the player is still in a mental state in which they want to go fast, (ha) and as a result, one often gets caught up trying to find a quick, reckless solution to a problem that requires a more careful, delicate touch. Additionally, the eye-catching visuals can, at times, complicate the experience. While it’s true that virtually every part of the levels in visually interesting, this can sometimes work to the game’s disadvantage, as, during some of the more complex areas, the attention-grabbing visuals can clutter up the screen and be quite distracting, making many dilemmas much harder to resolve than they need to be. Lastly, while it’s true that the soundtrack brings a lot of energy reminiscent of the Sonic CD OST, sometimes the chill, environmental jams can get to be just a tad too atmospheric. Much of the music that Sonic is best known for is upbeat, melodic, and intense – and CD’s smooth grooves can, at times, betray the game’s high-speed, adrenaline-driven nature. Lopes has shown time and time again that he’s more than capable of giving music befitting of Sonic titles other than CD - in fact, many of his remixes are arguably even more fitting for their respective levels than the songs they’re based off of, so it’s a tad disappointing we didn’t get to see a larger spread of his potential in this game than we did. My last issue with the game lies in its story. While I’m often one to argue that a game’s story usually matters very little when judging its overall quality, I must admit, I was a bit distracted by how confusing the game’s plot was. The story centers around a powerful gem that Dr. Eggman acquires on Angel Island… which… isn’t floating? Even though it went back to the sky at the end of Sonic 3 & Knuckles? Similarly, the Death Egg is still shown in Lava Reef Zone, despite being destroyed in the same game? And Tiny Planet is still chained to Sonic’s world, even though the chain was broken at the end of Sonic CD? There might be a sensible explanation if the gem induced time travel – though this would be the 5th time in the series that this was used as a key plot element – but it’s unclear whether the gem warps Sonic through time to his past, or if it sends him to places he’s visited before in their present state. Whatever the case, the story created a lot of conflicts for me, especially when trying to consider how this game affects the canon of the franchise as a whole.

           Still, the story of a game does usually matter little to me, and this game does more than enough right to keep me true to that philosophy. The mechanics and design of the game add new twists to old ideas, making their return even more welcome than it would have been to begin with. The game’s style is absolutely delectable, bringing a dynamic energy to Sonic that could hardly be more fitting for the speedy blue hedgehog. It brings out the franchise’s strengths to help it leave its flaws in the dust, and managing to do the same for its own issues. Sonic Mania is a stunning example of how well a project can come together when worked on by people who truly love it. SEGA gathered a team that displayed a great creative passion for Sonic, and their passion showed in the love and care that is clearly present in the crafting and presentation of this game. By working with their fan-creators instead of against them, (as many game developers are wont to do) SEGA managed to create not only a true testament of their fans’ love for Sonic, but also a game that exceeds expectations entirely, standing out as one of the best, if not the best, Sonic the Hedgehog game of all time.

#sonic mania #sonic the hedgehog #sega #review

[yannesunit8finalmajorproject]

FMP Evaluation

INTRO

For our final major project, we were asked to create a final piece which we had the freedom to choose the theme that we want to create. There is choice of video production, graphics, photography and game design. As this will be submitting for final major project and the final piece that we produce must be the best work that in different many project we had did in past.  We had been given eight weeks to complete our final major project to get a good grade on this course.                                                                      

After thorough deliberation, I had decided to choose to create album cover design as my final piece because I felt more confidence on this topic rather than other and would like to have an experience on this. I started brainstorming my initial idea, describing different idea, who is the artist that I want to create for, etc. For the initial research task was about gained some basic information about album cover such as what is the type of the album cover and what size of an album cover and CD. After, I wrote up my proposal about my idea. During the period of my final major project, I wrote schedule to help me complete my final project.

 RESEARCH

Research is the major point for go through all my work for final project. I had conducted majority of research such as primary research and secondary research.  All of the research task that I conducted was being extremely useful and helpful to me so there was no research task that I found not helpful. Especially the inspiration research which was found some existing album cover and it had immediacy to help me decide what kind of album cover that I’m going to create and inspired my design idea for creating and laying out for my album cover. As I had buying album of my favourite artist often and looking at the different album cover artwork from different artist in leisure time, this had helped me to develop my idea. The album over artwork that I looking at could be divide into two type which is KPOP and POP. I had looking for a lot and I can aware of they both are different style which had influenced me and gave me even more design idea for my album cover. Other research task also helps me to clearly understood the process of creating an album cover, what materials that I need to take account into and what is the legal that I will be need to add into my final piece to protect my work, etc. Apart from that, the most helpful research task was primary research which I created questionnaire about my theme that I chose on a website called survey monkey to give people to answered. The aim was to received responses from the people. Through this research, I could know about what they like to see on an album cover and who will be my target audience I aiming for. It also had vacillated my idea as I want to tried to create an album cover to appealing the audience.

AUDIENCE

For my final major project, my target audience are mainly females age under 18 to 24 who like artist or a band and has interested on buying album from their favourite artist or band. I tried to create an album cover of what they like to see but I also did what I want to create as I couldn’t satisfy everyone. However, I can have ensured that my design has a behind meaning for my album cover and tried hard to make it look aesthetic.

Based on my survey monkey data that I did before, I could define my demographic profile of my target audience age is under 18 to 24, gender are mostly females and it’s regardless of ethnicity. For the pyschographic profile, it is welcomed for everyone who are student or employer that interested on buying or collect album of their favourite artist or a band, which is just depends on their personal hobbies, their own lifestyle and have the finance ability. This became wider as everyone has different hobbies and their own lifestyle. This is important to understand what audience’s opinion because it influenced my idea and lead me to the direction I head.

 PRODUCTION

Before I started creating, I need to have a clear design idea accordingly I started off with brainstorming and sketching my design idea for my album cover and other materials that go along with the album cover. I have watched YouTube tutorials video as part of my pre-production and gained some knowledge and techniques to develop my work. I also found some information about what I’m need to know for creating my album cover and other materials such as the colour code for create a background. The main software that I use to create final piece is called Adobe Photoshop CC. As it’s always be different with my sketches and what I’m think of when I created on a software so I experimented with creating every design on Adobe Photoshop. I also tried to experiment with creating stuff on the software once I got free time in college as I want to know more enough about it. First, I created few different style of rose quartz & serenity images such as simple gradient, galaxy and hologram that going to be use as the album cover or other materials background. I also created a diamond shape that use into my album cover and other materials. After that, I started using different tool to draw out the design shape of each design idea of album cover and created a CD that based on the album cover design. I summarized the main tools that I had used to create my work in Photoshop, such as noise filter, Gaussian blur filter, pen tool, curvature pen tool, line tool, liquify tool, clipping mask tool and polygonal laser tool. There’s more tools that I used were level adjustment, auto contrast, colour painter, blending option, erase tool and colour adjustment, to help me regulate the colour and some part of my work until it attained the effect/result that I want it to look like. During the process, the hardest part was creating the galaxy images as it contained many different tools and complex step to create, but afterwards I getting on understood. The tool like pen and curvature tool and line tool was super easy to apply on drawing out the design shape, it just took time to make it look balanced and perfect. I had spent numerous time and tried to work even harder on creating my album cover and CD design. All of these had big impact on my work to help me complete my final project.

REFLECTION

Overall, I felt comfort of the work that I produced but I believed that I could improve a lot than this. My initial design didn't go well as I thought so I spent much time on thinking of an idea and keep designing till I get a new idea at the last.  Also I supposed to create other materials that go along with the album cover but I failed and I ended up with created two version album cover and CD. I’m glad that I didn’t gave up and carried on until now to conclude. Although my final design may not that good enough than other but at least I did it and I satisfied with what I did. If I was going differently, I probably will start sketching my design idea earlier and create on the software to see if it looks nice. Working independently was alright and sometimes listen to other people opinion also being helpful to me. I did try to follow my schedule but sometimes all the things wouldn’t go to plan. However, my schedule was kind of helpful for me at some points and I’m able to completed my final project at the end. I think I can improve on my design idea as this is the main point of creating this and can improve a lot of my edit skills on Adobe Photoshop as well as there is more tools or techniques that I need to learn, but I would say compared to before I’m now more confidence on using this software. I feel like my work has meet the requirements to get a high standard.

PEER FEEDBACK

Caitlin: I love the colours used. They really bring the album cover to life. Awesome work! 

Nevaeh: I like how the colours go together and the overall design, it looks very professional and something people would definitely buy.

Ariel: This is the type of cover I would rate 10/10.

The feedback that I received from people was giving me more confidence on my work. The most part they like is the colours that I used into my album cover. 

[jaygraphicarts3]

George Bokhua Research

After looking at the history of logo design and techniques which can be used to create successful logos, my next step is to research into someone who uses these processes effectively. For this, I chose to look at the logo designer and art director George Bokhua as he is someone I am personally interested in. 

Originally Born in Georgia, on July 22nd 1978, Bokhua is a practising logo designer meaning his work reflects the modern standard of logo design. He didn’t have a conventional design education; he is self-taught and continues to share his lessons through a learning platform called ‘SkillShare’. Along with this and his social media pages, his modern approach to graphic design has amounted to a large online following which is where I first was introduced to his work.

Most of the artists I have researched so far in this project have been traditional artists, so I wanted to use an example of a more prominent practising artist at this time to compare the work and outlooks on design. I feel like George Bokhua is the perfect example to do so, as in his own way he embodies a new approach to design where the online space is taken advantage of to provide new ways for work to be seen. 

Bokhua mostly produces clean, modernistic logos and it is what he is most noted for amongst his audience. More recently, he has started experiment with more illustrative graphics, yet still keeping to the clinical, geometric style of his logotypes.

George Bokhua’s logo work mainly looks at letterforms and animal forms. The examples above show various ways in which he has abstracted and altered the look of certain letters whilst maintaining their original perception. It is important when abstracting a letter, to not go too far that the letter becomes unrecognisable. This applies to any sort of logo, but I think it can be seen in type when the viewer starts to question whether the logo is a letter or simply an abstract symbol. The logo with the most ambiguity out of the above 12, in my opinion, is the right-middle example. The overlap of the circles that the logo is constructed out of made me perceive it as an abstract logo at first. It wasn’t until I noticed the subtle shadows, that I saw the separation between the ‘S’ and the oval. I would say this is the least effective example because, without these shadows, it is unclear whether the logo is meant to be perceived as an ‘S’ or just some shapes. Logos should work in one colour, so for this example, in particular, I feel like the way this logo can be recognised is too reliant on the shadows.

On the other hand, my favourite logo from these 12 is the top right ‘R’. This is because Bokhua has simplified the letterform into two simple shapes. The extension of the bottom right leg of the ‘R’ extends from a place where it wouldn’t usually. This doesn’t make the letterform unrecognisable, however, because Bokhua has identified which are the segments that should remain unchanged so that we still perceive it as an ‘R’. This example is also a more effective use of the shadowing technique in my opinion. 

Without the shadows, the logo still works in the same way and the communication isn’t sacrificed at all. The shadowed parts are just replaced with negative space, and the audience is left to fill them by using the continuance of the structure around them. 

George Bokhua uses this same abstraction of the letter ‘R’, along with implementing more colours and details to produce a more illustrative example of the ‘R’ letterform. 

Although this wouldn’t work as well as a logotype, I still find it to be an interesting example to look at. This was the first piece of work where I saw the fundamentals of logo design starting to be used in his other type of work. The ‘R’ has been abstracted into its key components. These are then altered to feature characteristics of a mouth, with the negative space of the top portion being a mouth (as implied through the two teeth at the top) and the leg of the ‘R’ being an extended tongue, which also adds to the implication of a mouth in the section above. The effect of this is that it gives the image two meanings. One is an ‘R’, which could stand for something or represent a word and the second being the mouth, which has been illustrated in a fun and light-hearted way. 

Abstracting an animal requires a different approach to abstracting a letterform. This is because a letter is already a simple piece of imagery, which will, most of the time, already be constructed out of simple geometry. Animals, on the other hand, are an example of more a more organic structure. For me, simplifying animals is harder because of this reason. I personally feel like there is more a jump between making an animal into a logotype than there is making a letter into one. I have already done a project on animal logos this year, looking at simplifying an animal into a modernistic mark. It is here where I learnt a lot about the process of transferring the visual qualities of an animal into a single colour, only using simple geometry and keeping it recognisable. The 12 examples above of George Bokhua’s work are all examples of this being done powerfully. 

The simplification of an animal will sometimes go into the simplest forms of geometry—lines. As well as geometry, Bokhua will experiment with line drawings and continuous-lined logos on a regular basis. He does this to practice the technique of simplifying complex things in different ways. The two griffin logos out of the 12 examples above show two ways in which Bokhua uses lines to construct an animal. In the first example (the left-hand griffin), the lines use more circular paths and overlap to add more depth to the wings for instance. The mixture of clinical lines with the smooth flow of the circular directory maintain the organic look of the original animal but simplify it enough that it can easily be redrawn with one continuous line. 

In the second example (the right-hand griffin) the effect is pushed further. The lines are sharper, thicker and overall portray more power. The logo is made up of 4 lines of varying lengths which meet together at sharp points. All 4 lines meet at the bottom at the same cut-off level to portray the 4 legs. Then, as these rise up at the same inclined angle, the head and wings are implied simply through these single lines. Along with all of this, the eye has been taken out, which removes the animalistic essence altogether. These two griffin logos show the effect of converting animal forms to shapes as they both do so in different ways. 

The whale logo above is constructed solely out of one type of shape. These being ovals allows for a balance between an organic form and a geometric grid making it completely balanced. This allows for more expression to show through the mark and almost adds an element of movement to it. I talked about answering the question “how can a logo be ‘kinetic’?’ in my project proposal and I feel like this is one of the ways to do so. By using more organic lines, the original movement of the animal is represented through the flow of the ovals and how they come into contact with each other. 

Golden Ratio

The golden ratio is something I identified in my previous case study on logos as something which can help make a visually balanced symbol. George Bokhua has a number of lessons on the website ‘SkillShare’. Two of these are how to create logos from a grid and how to create them using the golden ratio. Here, he goes through the different ways you can use this ratio in your logo designs to make them visually perfect. Below are some examples of where his logo designs contain the use of the golden ratio. Whether the golden ratio is used to determine the sizes of the shapes he uses to construct a logo or simply to work out a line weight to spacing ratio, it is always used with the intent to achieve visual perfection.

Looking at techniques like these are important because I can learn how to implement them into my own work, but also because I can recognise where these techniques become evident in other types of work. Bokhua’s illustrative experiments, for example, use very similar techniques to his logo design just to create different aesthetics. 

For instance, the above examples of a series of geometric explorations showcase similar visual language to the second griffin logo I discussed above. The thick, powerful lines, in this case, are constructed out of circles as well as lines. Being an illustration, this allows for more colours to be used and Bokhua has used this to create what looks like overlapping in some of the shapes. This chaotic effect is made solely out of various shapes and less than four colours. Restricting to colours and shapes are both massive processes to his logo work and the effect of this shows through these geometric illustrations also. 

In a way, I can relate the chaotic feeling of this work to David Carson’s work. Whilst there is an element of chaos which is prominent, there is an underlying consistency which keeps it balanced and juxtaposes with the chaos of the shapes. In the case of George Bokhua’s geometric illustrations, the underlying consistency is the way he uses geometry to construct everything and the restriction of colour.

Above are more examples from a different illustrative series he produced. This relates more to the whale logo from above, as geometry is still being used, just in a way to portray a more organic and almost fluid shape. The colours are still being restricted for the most part, so there is still that juxtaposition between the chaos of the shapes and the structure of them individually and their colours. I think the effect of this is that it portrays a sense of movement more so. The fluidity of these illustrations come from how roughly the shapes are put together. Whereas the more geometric versions being restricted to lines and perfect circles appear to be more stagnant.

“Talent is overrated... in our field, it’s all about working and getting the form right and engaging and putting more and more and more time into one piece until you get it right”

When asked about giving a piece of advice to newer designers in an interview with ‘LogoGeek’, Bokhua answers quickly with the phrase “Easy. Again, talent is overrated”. Without hesitation, this is Bokhua’s go-to piece of advice so I would assume it has provided a lot of inspiration for his own practice. He, later on, says “it’s all about working and getting the form right and engaging and putting more and more and more time into one piece until you get it right”. This shows me the importance of hard work and that being a good designer isn’t about natural talent but about the work you put into improving. The fact that Bokhua said this with no hesitation makes it all the more compelling. It is important to constantly look at improving everything you produce until you “get it right”. 

Looking Back

Since looking at the brief, I have been aiming to challenge my current ideas with new ones that I pick up by researching and developing practical work. Staying constantly curious throughout this project so far has allowed me to gather a much wider range of ideas and concepts that otherwise I would have limited myself from. This process is backed up by George Bokhua himself in his interview with ‘LogoGeek’. In the same way, producing successful outcomes for this project won't come from natural talent, but from the work that I put in to constantly improving my work over and over again. 

I originally chose to look at George Bokhua as an artist because he is someone who personally interests me and offers a different approach to the artists I have look at beforehand. I now see how his processes of creating clean and concise logos resonate with my own preferences of designs that I like, which explains why I like his work so much. I can make a comparison between his logo work and the work on typography I have done up until this point. His letter logos, in particular, offer the most obvious comparison between type and branding. Both are used for communication and the techniques to communicate clearly are synonymous in both fields. 

At the design museum, I saw the earliest forms of type being sketched onto a grid. Today, grids are being used to structure the most modern types of logos, which shows the link between even the oldest example of type and the newest examples of logos. 

Moving Forward

Some potentials I have gained from looking at George Bokhua and his processes are: using grids to construct logos, experimenting with the golden ratio and using shapes to aid illustrative techniques. I aim to expand on my research over the course of the next two weeks, with these techniques of branding playing a large part into the outcomes that I produce. I believe the first step should be to take it back to basics and mirror the earliest processes of designing type but use that to design logos instead. Restricting myself to a grid when designing a logo will ensure that it is recognisable at a small size and if I start from here it will also work in one colour.