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im-just-a-little-puppy-really · 12 hours

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tags - 🪵

the ugly side of my therianthropy isnt fun. i wanted to talk about it a bit.

tws: light violence, s/h, body dysphoria, phantom tails, ears, claws, wings, not great stuff

i get horrible half-shifts where im animal in my mind and very viscerally human in my body. and that leads to anger and confusion and usually harm of some kind. i dont physically lash out or anything like that, its very meditative, really. i very carefully test the body i definitely shouldnt be in, figure out how to walk in it and sometimes try to find myself in it, whether that be mentally or physically. i scratch at it or look at it in a mirror and get more confused because it hurts just like i should and it looks so different from me. these shifts usually end if i see writing in english or hear someone calling me.

i also get the urge to chase after and interact with animals that look like my theriotypes. ill see a black dog and go "youre just like me!!" and wag my tail and i want to go up and introduce myself but they wouldnt see me as a dog like them and their human would think im strange. or ill hear a fruit bat outside my window and jump at the opportunity to see a friend, but then get confused when theres glass separating us. it hurts to see a friend and have them not recognise you the same.

physically, i cant reatrain myself from keeping my arms bent or my feet arched on my toes sometimes. to the point where im aching. usually if someone tells me to stop i say "no, its comfy" but sometimes that is a blatant lie. and i still wont stop until my mind allows me. it sucks and im just grateful to have a background in dance so i can do it in a healthier way.

anyways, therianthropy is not all quads and masks and fun. its gutteral and weird and it hurts. experience it offline, please.

#therian #therianthropy #alterhuman #otherkin #therian safespace #therians #theriotype #canine theriotype #dog therian #canine therian #tw light gore #tw self destruction #tw sh implied #therian shift #ugly

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lilacstro · 7 hours

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Astro Observation Pt 4

I hope you all are doing awesome and the last few posts resonated with you! Also, thank you so much for 250 followers <33 means so much to me

here we go :)

1.Taurus placements really like food, cooking. I mean, we all do, but its a little extra with them.

2.Taurus moons really have a soothing presence and voice, however, they may come as highly opinionated sometimes. They are usually very kind and polite while talking and may like things like art, music, poetry or, reading/ enjoying such things and actively talking about it.

3.I read somewhere that 8th house is temporary death while 12th house is what happens after death, maybe that is why it is the last house. Example, 12th house Capricorns may come back to give/receive karma, 12th house Scorpios may learn and complete the soul lessons or karmic contracts.

4.I dont know how many people does it resonates with since I only know a few capricorn risings but more these natives like structure and order, they sometimes secretly wanna run away from all and everything, probably just disappear or move to the countryside lol...may even struggle with maldaptive daydreaming. Also, they definitely don't wanna/can't be tamed AT ALL...you can't tell them what to do lol ..I wonder if it has something to do with the Sag 12th house. They do accept opinions and suggestions, but very selectively

5. The birth of a capricorn sun/rising/stellium child can be karmic. In the sense that, they are here to dispose karma to other people, while learn their own. Maybe because the ruler is Saturn. One of the things that can follow is a change/shift in the circumstances of the family.

6. This makes me think, 12th house indeed can show our hidden thoughts or desires. People with Sag risings have scorpio in 12th house, and this can secretly make them wanna have some kind of command, control and authority. I am a Sag rising, and this holds true for me.

7. Speaking of NN in solar return, I read someone reblogging my post saying they believe NN can also represent the lessons you learn and grow from, I instead believe its more of a karmic/soul lesson/fated thing, that rather tranforms/grows your soul and you may go through a huge shift in your perspective and some life-changing experiences concerning that area of life. Something that we are moving into, and will affect us from that point onwards, like a new theme unlocking.

Chiron, on the other hand, is different. No one wonder chiron is actually call the wounded healer, something that hurts and then heals.

example, nn in 1st house can mean you will go through major themes and experiences that will make you focus more on yourself and finding your identity and purpose and this should affect your further years. more of a spiritual growth

chiron in the 1st house can instead mean you will go through experiences that will make you question yourself, some kind of identity crisis, that will further lead to you believing and finding your true self. more of a personal growth.

i hope i made sense. moreover, astrology interpretations are very personal :) and you dont have to agree with anything i said if it doesnt feel right.

8. libra moon imo is one of the best moon placement to have. they are able to present their emotions pretty nicely and in order and that makes sense somehow. This is also a placement for a hopeless romantic tho lmao.

9. Libra MC people may always look confused. Somehow even struggling to chose between a pastry and a cake lmao.

10. I think women with Virgo+ Scorpio placements are the ones that can make the best lie detectors/detectives/real baddies. They may also enjoy dark psychology/ true crime stories/thriller.

11. Men with Venus in Saggitarius may like spiritual/religious women.

12. I think people with Venus-Asc aspects may always/eventually find beauty and confidence in their appearance and themselves, and that is very amazing imo.

13. Women with Pluto-Asc aspects may like dominance in some shape or form and may have a really good self control and hold of themselves.

14. I will want to ask, do people who have Uranus Retrogade in their chart somehow struggle with breaking electrical appliances/gadgets often? Like it will just break somehow?

15. Having asteroid industria at 28 degrees can show you have a potential to earn huge money through your career.

16. Wherever Jupiter lies in your chart, is where you can expect divine protection. Jupiter in 10th house? Protection from people with malicious intents/a bad public image. Jupiter in 6th house? Protection from accidents and diseases. Jupiter in 12th house? protection from hidden enemies/backstabbing. Jupiter in 11th house? Protection from fake friends/people.

17. I have often seen people say you should marry your 7th house sign but i would disagree again. The 7th house/DC is more about the qualities we admire in other people, and what do we look for while forming ANY relationship with others and this does not always have to mean that you would get along with them romantically.

thats all for this post<33 i love you all. Please leave post recommendations, if you have any in the ask, messages or comments :)

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ufolvr · 5 months

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How I sleep understanding my favorite villain's personality and backstory and why they work so well while also throwing key aspects of it away for the benefit of my own indulgences btw ^_^

#📡 incoming transmission 📡#once again talking about frieza. mostly. their backstory and direct mirroring of goku's is the strongest in the series #they never had to life a finger for anything ever and thats the point #but.... sometimes a guy has certain needs and urges #i also mess with buu and cell but thats after they died so i can do whatever. like introducing a character for them to bounce off of #is one thing but changing their backstory is another. do you see it? i dont think i need to do that to tell a meaningful story #for frieza however i do not want them 'going soft' for anyone ever. i want them to have been soft from the very beginning #that's a lot stronger to me. what if they cared? what if they cared so much. what then.#any other changes i make to characters i like esp villains is more... well. where can we go from here buddy?#and less What would happen if your backstory was a moved a little bit to the left. it just genuinely depends on what works best ^^#self insert #selfshipping #f/o #selfship #self ship #also bc its driving me up the wall:#me whenever i tell you that frieza cannot be enjoyed separately from their femininity and poise so frieza with a square jaw means nothing #and cell was hard for me to grasp but the truth is that the more human she became the scarier she got.#like another false sense of familiarity almost #and buu is all over the place because buu is buu and makes little to no logical sense #this has nothing to do with the post. sometimes i just like to sound smart #and as a proof that i do know frieza plenty well i just love to fuck with them and make them care for someone

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hella1975 · 6 months

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i have such a reputation that four separate people incorporated pringles into my birthday gifts. be that girl

#to the point my one mate today (the one i almost ditched in that seminar LMAO) ((WAIT I NEED TO TELL YOUSE ABOUT HIM))#anyway! he was like 'oh i actually got you something!' which given our dynamic despite RECENT DEVELOPMENTS AHEM #is so unusual like he was NOT required to get me a gift. but then i immediately was like 'it's pringles isn't it'#and he was just like 'sigh. yeah' LMFAOOOOO #and you know what? chuffed to utter bits. ive already eaten half of them in 24 hours. scranning even more as i type this #anyway back to that guy. so you know i sometimes mention my flatmate from first year who also happens to be on my course #so off the bat we've got a weird friendship bc he's not just a coursemate bc i also lived with him #but also first year halls were assigned not chosen so it's not like we were actually FRIENDS #especially bc my flat did NOTTT get on lmfao so me and him were mainly just. acquaintances who lived and studied together?#very strange foundation to have with someone. but we went all of second year barely staying in contact #and then this year we live in the same area and for the LIFE of me i cant remember how we got back in contact #but all of a sudden we were messaging every day and meeting up before lectures and sitting together in them and stuyding together etc #and we get on REALLY well like he has my exact sense of humour i know ive posted about him several times #over the past three years being like 'me and this guy are the funniest people i know' 'he would do bits on tumblr' etc #AND THE OTHER WEEK HE ADMITTED THAT HE LIKES ME AND WE WENT ON A DATE #AND IT WENT REALLY WELL BUT I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM #SO IM TRYING NOT TO PUT PRESSURE ON ANYTHING and i was super clear w him also that im not actively searching for anything #so if smthn happens organically then it happens but if not it's my final year and that will always take priority and he was super chill #so i dont feel like i HAVE to make a decision just yet but we're going out again tomorrow #and it's like. even if it doesnt become smthn romantic i just really click with him?? like we get on so well??? IT'S SO FUN #AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! WOOHOO! pringles post derailed by a MAN. awful #hella goes to uni

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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months

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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

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toastsnaffler · 6 days

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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out #not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her #like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool #it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun #i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again #but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too #to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together #thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all #like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad #and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do #and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends #im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for #but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen #to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it #i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and #decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen #and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree #but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most #and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen #and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway #so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me #which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its #crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it #idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her #i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of #resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different #and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has

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kilibaggins · 4 months

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// tw: self hate and suicidal thoughts ig? idk intrusive and bad thoughts brought up but not described

#tw vent #i just like. hate myself.#no matter how much i try to calm myself down and tell myself it's okay i can never believe itbecause i know in the end im a bad person #its not just that im usless or do things wrongits that im BAD. the things i do are BAD sometimes to the point of not wanting to be here #it's to the point i know some people who talk to me would hate me. they'd probably want me to die too. its ust so scary and sad and frustra #*frustrating #i just want it all to stop and i WANT to be happy but i can't becaus everytime im happy i remember i probably dont deserve it #anyway sorry im just venting im not gonna do anything rash im jsut #frustratd. thats all. with myself.#and i just want happiness and things to be okay but my chemicals dont support that and my thoughts wont let me chill #i swear the more stresed i get and the further ig et into life the more intrusive thoughts and reoccuring bad thoughts i have about every t

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isabelguerra · 1 year

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I don’t really care about shipping THAT much but honestly a lot depends on what about a pairing makes you like it. what about it draws you in, what doesnt, and why you want to change that thing. what it would become if you changed that thing, what changing that thing would do to it.

I saw a post about zukka the other day where OP was groaning about how many ppl make zuko into a babygirl for his long hair while acting like sokka is this hypermasculine hunter type, despite so much of his character deals with themes of inadequacy and wanting to make people around you proud/ take you seriously. also him liking shopping and arts&crafts and into theatre and writing poetry. OP said something like ‘it becomes about the viewers desire to fit a character to their own tastes, without considering who the character actually is’ which is such an eloquent way of putting it!

so when it comes to messing around with identities via ships its like… playing with gender and shit is fun! its good to explore and mess around and try things. if your outlet is through your favorite characters, hey, go nuts. but I think its really important to look at the way we feel and consider why we feel that way.

literally whenever i sit down to write something i go ‘okay. is this for me to be self indulgent and ooc. or is this to be faithful to the characters as they exist as narrative tools’ basically am i writing for Me or am i writing for Them. and i do both! but it just comes down to that I dont like taking characters out of the context of their stories too much. im a firm believer of ‘liking something because of something, not despite it’, so when it comes to m/f ships its like. okay well why am I drawn to this over a gay ship. do I think ‘damn i wish this was gay’ or is the fact that its mf add a little flavor. for me its all about the flavor

#THIS ISNT DIRECTED AT THAT ANON their ask spurred my thinking on the subject more but they didn’t say or do anything wrong #i think a lot of ppl who follow me/are into pnat rn are younger so if ur having fun theres nothing wrong with that #and you arent bad for exploring. have fun make ur favs trans stick parts of yourself in them. these are just things to start thinking about #anyway re: that last paragraph i *have* written SO many ‘for me’ snippets like im not on a high horse here #but i do keep those to myself. there are the ‘heehee i will never let these see the light of day [mentions it sometimes]’ stories #that are like bursting with desire for Some kind of outlet even if i dont want an audience necessarily #and then there are ones that the entire Point is that nobody sees them but me. i can do whatever i want because its For Me. itll never see #the light if day because i have zero desire for it to be considered or known of by anyone outside my brain #my point here is if ur just having fun to have fun then have fun #but with my indulgent stuff i dont even try to pass it off as the characters in any way other than name and general appearance #like those are functionally ocs at that point. im just using them as puppets to tell a story i want to tell #whereas with stuff i show publically or keep privately but think about more #i am VERY ‘he would NOT fucking say that’#because im focusing on the CHARACTERS!!!!!!! MY FOCUS IS THE CHARACTERS!!!!!!! THEMSELVES!!!!! NOT WHAT I WANT THEM TO BE!!! WHO THEY ARE #im still typing its like 3am i gotta sleep. bye heart emoji

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horrorwebs · 2 years

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i left her house and party without telling her how i feel or attempting to make a move i feel like the stupidest motherfucker alive

#like. that was my chance. it was THE chance. why am i such a fucking coward #its not like i didnt want to but i couldnt find the way thwre was too many peoñle and i wanted it to be private #so we LEFT for WALK on her NEIGHBOURHOOD that was MY CHANCE. we went to the little park with the swings i REALLY WAS ABOUT TO SAY STH #WHEN ONE OF THE GUYS AT THE PARTY AND HER COUSIN ARRIVED B #TO PICK US UP BY CAR BC SHE HAD TO BLOW THE CANDLES #(<- the party was her birthday cellebration)#like really idk how i am a. so unlucky and b. such a pussy #i think i shouldve been a bit more drunk to have told her right away.but i Was working my way through it to tell her it was just hard yknow #im scared ill ruin things if she rejects me. and i feel like she wants to be with me sometimes and that she likes me.#but other times i feel like im just being insane and she will simply reject me #i think her cousin noticed i like her though. (i dont think this is too hard to notice anyway) maybe thatll help? idk.#half the world thinks we are together and i have to wonder why arent we?i like her n i think she likes me (or at least she has in the past)#so whats stopping us? the fact we r in a band together and want a future on that might be something. she has also told my friend she values #the friendship too much or sth like that (my friend doesnt remember very well) but that then means she does like me! but also shell reject #me possibly! or will she? who knows?!!#anyway i think it wouldnt be that bug of a problem anyway for the band if we are mature about it. even it it doesnt work and we decide its #better as friends in a future. i dont think anything she does or i do will be as bad as 'point of no return bad'.#i believe in us. and i feel like the sappiest mf alive too #but see if youve read this far i think you might understand why im such a coward and so scared of telling her i like her #but i was so close of just bljrting it out or kissing her. i did kiss a bit her neck.... sorry lol. but nothing too um .sexual? it was like #peck. but you ask and how did that happen? well see. we were sleeping together. like on top of each other hugging. my face was on her #collarbone. so i was like there. but i dont think she tought much of it sometimes we kiss each others cheeks or whatever and its just like #or maybe she did. there were pther people on the room anyway so ot was like . weird as well bc of that #idk ots just a very ambiguous zone in which i will die forever if i dont work up some courage #this posts always turn onto rants but i dont speak much about her with my friends unless they ask +im a bit drunk.it embarrasses me greatly #spikeposting #loveposting

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homosexualcitron · 7 months

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oh also i hate saying i'm artblocked because i'm always anxious that people will see what i post and be like "so you're artblocked but did this???" noo i post my drawings 2-3 months after so no...

#stupid reason to be anxious but #people are so annoying when you're negative about your art #i can't say i dislike anything i did without having negative comments about it #idk what worst between people who insult you/tell you to shut up (if we're are not friends don't do that???)#or the lowkey guilt triping (it's a big word for that tho but idk how to say) of “you still draw better than me so you shouldn't complain”#DONT BE LIKE THIS I BEG YOU #artists being able to see their default and weak points aren't a bad thing actually #sometimes you can tell that you can do and did better why would you be mad at this #IT ENDED UP AS VENT SORRY #but i leggit stopped sayin anything neg about my art because of that

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ironmanstan · 1 year

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#part two omg <333 #u can tell i originally was gonna tweet this and then it spiralled out of control to the point it got too long for tumblr tags. anyway #sometimes i just think about things and i get sooo mad lmao . i knew i was trans probably since i was like 11 #meanwhile was so fucked up about this i just ignored it and slowly let it eat me alive for years and years until i hit my brink .#makes me so mad how the few like 'tolerant' and 'accepting' people around here act where theyre like #oh you can be that way but just ignore it <3 dont act on it <3' . you people would rather me go back to #being a suicidal 12 year old instead of actually existing and being happy. you people who know shit all about what i go through #its insanely funny to me too like compared to a large amount of people i am like extremely religious . i have #so much of the quran mf MEMORIZED. A SOLID CHUNK OF THIS ENTIRE BOOK. MEMORIZED #I CAN RECITE THE VERSES FROM IT IN PROPER FORM. i know more than my own dad does and yet.#everyone around me who isnt this at all is like oh yes we know sooo much about everything and this is #soooo gross and disgusting and perverted and sick and evil right maryam. yeah it sure fucking is besties <3 #i can be everyones token poster child of having Envious amounts of knowledge and a role model for every future hafidha .#and yet you all only like me because you have to and youd all hate me if you knew anything about me #if you read all this my bad i am just crazy and angry and insane #i will go back to normal later i just need to be insane for a minute lollll #sometimes im like 'why am i so angry. why do i have ptsd' and then i remember how everyone around me is #vent #part two !!!!! wao <333

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silverislander · 1 year

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genuinely crying rn bc my shakespeare prof emailed me to say he thinks i could do grad studies in english and asked whether i've considered an honours degree 👍

#he said he forgot to tell me in person but thats good actually bc i probably wouldve burst into tears hfjdkljfgkd #like there are for real tears in my eyes currently #thats so fucking nice of him what #and like. hes got a point ive only gotten below an 85 twice out of any english course ive taken in university #and that was a 71 with a notoriously hard prof during the pandemic and an 80 my first semester #but fuck man i forget that im. actually really good at this #levi.txt #:)#my brother is so smart that hes all my parents ever talk about. hes aiming for a joint honours pure math/compsci degree #and he was handpicked for a grad level study group. and hes working on research with a prof this summer as an 18yo/freshman #so like. sometimes i forget that i even have achievements in comparison you know? and its really fucking nice to hear it 😭#anyway. i dont know if ill do it. its like at least another semester to year of school and i was already feeling so sure about ece #its more so about the offer being there than wanting it desperately or anything #like fuck man. i guess i can actually write huh #gives me hope at least

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months

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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i #shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and #i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but #like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i #should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i #do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18 #days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno #how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do #something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do #i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its #like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be #miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can #tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st #roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can #never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated #unrelated

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thunderboltage · 2 years

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unpopular opinion (apparently): i love all of the attention and love my writing gets and could never really be bothered much that it only gets likes or that people comment what they wanna?

#i do wanna point out that i get it - its always to have people reblog your stuff cause it definitely helps with visibility and such #but i cannot find it within myself to tell people DONT BOTHER because they dont??#im blessed to even get 1 like on the silly stuff i put out there lol #i just find it so rude and a good way to dissuade people from wanting to engage at all #im doing better when it comes to commenting - whether here or ao3 - but sometimes likes/kudos are kinda just themost convenient atm #until i can find that one post addressing this i just felt the need to say it here - but i def wanna reblog it over yonder as well #its just like...man..yeah validation is nice but do you for YOU #i personally enjoy constructive criticism so yes please tell me how to improve but i also enjoy knowing you simply liked what you read <3 #something something algorithm something something empty accounts - cant really do anything about them and they dont bother me lol #i just felt the need to vent a lil bit about this - i get what people are saying but whoa it comes across very rude and mean #and now i dont want to even interact with you lol because you came across waaaay to strongly about something that wasn't that deep #anyways i should go to bed its 6 am #ami sez

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arthur-r · 1 year

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(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)

im so fucking sick though. just in general

#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do #stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up #so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min #you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared #when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye #now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours #and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t #and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore #i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand #when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life #like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from #all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand #and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine #like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical #why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical #problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor #ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down #i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities #which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need #i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing #and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!!#but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause #heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain #anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look #but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love #and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been #there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!!#people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends #and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant #keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.

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chiisana-lion · 1 year

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hm

#dunno what caused this but ive just been getting really scared and stupidly worried lately #sometimes i think about how i could lose someone at any moment and i might not even know #just stuck there waiting for some kind of answer for someone who wont and cant come back #and it really. terrifies me #my friends are everyhing to me and i just want them all to be okay always #and especially my best friend. if anything were to happen to him i really dont know what i'd do #i tell him and everyone else how much i love them all the time every time i can because what if they were to disappear and leave one day #and we didnt really leave off on a good note #not like i think that might happen anytime soon but just. what if #i love my friends. so much. i cant even put into words how much they mean to me and how theyve helped me get through this hell ive been #going through these past couple of years or so #maybe im annoying and talkative and sensitive and stuff. but the fact thwy still somehow like me the same is really #dunno man in elementary & middle school i lived shamelessly and yet im sure that for every friend i had there was like 5 kids who hated me #and towards high school i essentially was constantly on edge making sure i dont cause trouble for anyone because hey why should i bother #when none of them would really see me for me. just that quiet kid who draws in the corner and doesnt particularly fit in #the novelty of having a new kid transfer in lasted for like a month tops that time when everyone realized i was actually boring as hell #not into celebrities dont listen to mainstream music not interested in guy talk etc etc #i did meet a couple kids with similar interests at some point but im sure they were more casual fans and not absolutely obsessed as i am #and i feel like my sudden energy when talking about it and running my mouth w that topic kinda put them off #so i just. keep everything to myself #so really finding people who actually do like me and enjoy my rambles and i can hwar then ramble in return #and play games or talk abt our silly blorbos with is just. damn this is way more than i deserve isnt it #and i really feel like that could all just. fall apart at some point #and thats the last thing i want #but honestly #i dont mind if they grew to hate me. ill still love them nonetheless. just please dont leave me behind i cant go through that again #might delete this later im just kind of. yeah #sorry to anyone who reads this im kind of going through it

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