#its not like i didnt want to but i couldnt find the way thwre was too many peoñle and i wanted it to be private

[horrorwebs]

i left her house and party without telling her how i feel or attempting to make a move i feel like the stupidest motherfucker alive

#like. that was my chance. it was THE chance. why am i such a fucking coward #its not like i didnt want to but i couldnt find the way thwre was too many peoñle and i wanted it to be private #so we LEFT for WALK on her NEIGHBOURHOOD that was MY CHANCE. we went to the little park with the swings i REALLY WAS ABOUT TO SAY STH #WHEN ONE OF THE GUYS AT THE PARTY AND HER COUSIN ARRIVED B #TO PICK US UP BY CAR BC SHE HAD TO BLOW THE CANDLES #(<- the party was her birthday cellebration) #like really idk how i am a. so unlucky and b. such a pussy #i think i shouldve been a bit more drunk to have told her right away.but i Was working my way through it to tell her it was just hard yknow #im scared ill ruin things if she rejects me. and i feel like she wants to be with me sometimes and that she likes me. #but other times i feel like im just being insane and she will simply reject me #i think her cousin noticed i like her though. (i dont think this is too hard to notice anyway) maybe thatll help? idk. #half the world thinks we are together and i have to wonder why arent we?i like her n i think she likes me (or at least she has in the past) #so whats stopping us? the fact we r in a band together and want a future on that might be something. she has also told my friend she values #the friendship too much or sth like that (my friend doesnt remember very well) but that then means she does like me! but also shell reject #me possibly! or will she? who knows?!! #anyway i think it wouldnt be that bug of a problem anyway for the band if we are mature about it. even it it doesnt work and we decide its #better as friends in a future. i dont think anything she does or i do will be as bad as 'point of no return bad'. #i believe in us. and i feel like the sappiest mf alive too #but see if youve read this far i think you might understand why im such a coward and so scared of telling her i like her #but i was so close of just bljrting it out or kissing her. i did kiss a bit her neck.... sorry lol. but nothing too um .sexual? it was like #peck. but you ask and how did that happen? well see. we were sleeping together. like on top of each other hugging. my face was on her #collarbone. so i was like there. but i dont think she tought much of it sometimes we kiss each others cheeks or whatever and its just like #or maybe she did. there were pther people on the room anyway so ot was like . weird as well bc of that #idk ots just a very ambiguous zone in which i will die forever if i dont work up some courage #this posts always turn onto rants but i dont speak much about her with my friends unless they ask +im a bit drunk.it embarrasses me greatly #spikeposting #loveposting

[1010qt]

i gave you everything and you couldnt give respect and consent and space

i dont reapond well to being cornered

sometimes i need to take a breath

I need sleep i dont wanna do coke rn

I ask for too much by asking to be held and listened to

Im bad at listening when i shoupd be unconscious

im so tired this is all so stressful

why dont i get to feel

why is it always about what people think

why cant you deescalate

why would u physically block someone from leaving

why would you shout at someone whos telling you they need a minute to breathe

why would you run across glass that was thrown to keep you away

why would beg for iodine when thwres a first aid kit in the kitchen

why would you not use a bowl full of watwr

why did u need to be in my space

why do you like to fight

why do you do so much coke you dont feel or listen just shout

why cant you prioritise us over being right or finding the truth

why do my feelings have to be so small and specific

why cant i feel big like you

why do my memories always have to be correct

why am i a bad person when im wrong even though ill admit it and just say im hurt and confused

why do i have to be perfect when youre a dick

whyd you prioritise not coming down over calming down

whyd you choose righteous anger, the rush of a fight, and some shitty coke over me

deescalating

asking for space

giving you love

trying to prevent yoy from making this more than it needed to be

trying to give back the love i felt

I felt so loved when you listened and didnt go crazy even though we talked about stuff you did tjat wasnt right

it felt light and free again like when we first met

a weight lifted

and you just spiraled

couldnt handle not being perfect even when someones begging to hold you and love you and tell you youre worth it

first i was just asking to be held while i fell asleep

im sry i didnt listen to you needing space

i just wanted to hold you until the tension softened in ur face

until i got sleep

I wanted to smoke myself and sleep in the tub

so you could watch stuff in bed and do wjat you needed to do

you wouldnt let me be peaceful

so i stopped trying

i have hard boundaries

im used to people shitting on them

when i dont get wjay i need when i rly need it

I will push in any way possible

self preservation ya know

im rly good most days

ill work and clean and give love and give head and try to be understanding

wear makeup and go out w ur friends

Come up with date ideas

tell you youre evsrything

Deescalate in stress

Tell you what i need not what i want

the illusion of safety to discuss my feelings is just an illusion if you cant handle it to where you wont respext a 'can you talk instead of yell' and 'can you give me space to just smoke for a sec' or 'can i be alone in the bathroom' or 'can i have quiet for a sec' and hyperfixate on details like its a lawcase and not your girlfriend whos sad

i just wanted to be held when i was telling you the truth about how ive been trying to love you past ur flaws

i wouldnt have done that if i knew how bad things would get

i also just get rly sad and weepy when i dont sleep and dont do uppers

i didnt start screaming i got progressively louder

when i didnt get what i needed to feel safe

my dad used to treat me like this

its inconsiderate

ur not a bad person

i still love you

im just very hurt

i wont tell anyone about any of this or deny that it happened

i wont just leave for a high or a new boy

i just need to smoke and take some time

my dreams and hopes need time to readjust

i dreamt too much

i love rly hard

I love you

Take care of you pls