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updownlately · 8 months

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'cause all of the small things that you do (are what remind me why i fell for you)

| leah williamson x reader

~~~

"You're such an idiot, you know?" Leah fondly shook her head as she bent down, head coming level with your knee.

You were sat on the bathroom counter, a fresh set of clothes finally on you, as Leah stood in between your legs, medical bag propped open beside you.

You winced as an alcohol pad came in contact with your scraped joint, hissing in pain as she tediously worked to clean the dried blood and grime scattered around it.

“Totally worth it,” you yelped in response, the midfielder having pressed directly on your wound.

Quickly wrapping a bandage around the area she had just wiped, the blonde rose to a standing position, throwing the wrappers into the bin.

“I can’t believe you didn’t get carded…” Shaking her head in disbelief, Leah ripped open another wipe, gently tugging on your wrist after to bring your arm to your chest so she could tend to the burn on your forearm.

“The ref was blind as shit…is it really that surprising? You saw it first hand when they tackled you like three thousand times in the first half!”

Your whiny justification brought a smile to the Englishwoman’s face, amusement poorly hidden.

“Still not an excuse to go all Hulk on them. Had the ref been stupid they could’ve given you a red easily.”

“Who’s to say they weren’t a complete dipshit? For all we know, they’re likely as oblivious off the field too!”

Body shaking with the effort of holding her laugh back, Leah covered her mouth with her hands in a poor attempt to hide her grin.

“Baby, you can’t just say that…”

“Why not? And you’re laughing!” A cheeky smile took over your face, chest filling with pride at seeing Leah’s eyes twinkle at your shenanigans.

“Love…”

“Nope, not hearing it. Your opinion is overruled….I can totally say it and it is funny.” Tongue between your teeth, you shot the blonde a wide grin.

Sighing in defeat, the grin not leaving her face, Leah pinched your thigh playfully and quickly finished cleaning the cut on your arm.

Reaching for bandages, she slowly began wrapping it around the decent-sized burn, tongue peeking out from behind her teeth, eyebrows furrowing as she focused on laying it flat.

You watched the midfielder as she worked, shy smile overtaking your mischievous grin.

Near heart-eyes on your face, you bit back your grin, chin sloping to the side in absolutely adoration.

Meeting your gaze as she finished, the blonde righted herself, head tilting as her cheeks flushed.

Rummaging through the medical kit to keep herself busy, you almost didn’t hear her quiet words over the noise of supplies being ransacked.

“Stop looking at me like that…”

Confusion crossing your face, your voice came out equally as soft, shoulders dipping. “Like what?”

“…with that look in your eyes, like I’ve done something special…”

The nervousness was clear in the captain’s voice, her eyes not meeting yours, hand still fidgeting.

Slowly grabbing Leah by her shoulders, you gently turned her to face you, hands running down until you were holding hers in your own.

Waiting for steel blue eyes to meet your own, you brought your foreheads together, pulling her in with your legs.

“You love me everyday. You put up with my dumb butt- yellow cards, twenty something fouls, and tons of cuts and bruises on my arms, that you don’t hesitate to tend to. I’m practically a McCabe in training yet you’re not complaining.”

“Still-“ Her eyes closed, mouth forming a thin line.

“No.”

“No?” The confused mumble had you smiling, you quickly kissing Leah’s scrunched up nose before resting your head against hers again, voice a murmur in the small space between you two.

“No. You love me always, and take care of me, and check up on me, and you let me be goofy, and eat all your snacks even if you really wanted them. You always let me sit on the right side of the couch because you know it’s my spot. You make sure my kit bag’s always packed because we both know how forgetful I am. You bring me flowers and snacks on the most randomest of days. You let me cry at the cheesiest rom-coms the world has ever known. You love me on my best and my worst days Leah. You haven’t done something special but you are something special…”

You could hear a fly drop in the silence that took over the room once you finished speaking.

Heart pounding at your own raw admission, uncertainty flickered in your eyes, body slightly tensing, waiting.

Inhaling sharply at the lack of response, you began to pull back, ready to put distance between you two, to apologize (for what, you didn't really know).

Just as you moved back a little bit, you felt a hand come to rest on the nape of your neck, pulling you back close.

You heard the blonde swallow hard, feeling her exhale fan across your face.

“I love you…”

The quiet admission was a whisper, you feeling her lips brush your own as she spoke.

“I know…and I love you. You’re my something special, okay?”

Feeling Leah nod in response, you placed a loving kiss on the blonde’s lips, then another, and then another. It was only when the next one was cut short by the both of you smiling, that you pulled back, resting your face in the crook of her neck, the dim light of the fading sun casting an angelic glow as you both relaxed in each other’s hold, revelling in your shared love.

You might be an idiot, but hey, at least you were an idiot in love.

#this did not go in the direction i wanted it to go in #not proofread #too many tags but fuck it #fluff #leah williamson x reader #leah williamson imagine #leah williamson #woso one shot #woso fanfics #woso x reader #woso imagine #woso #woso community #my writing #blurb #caotsttyd

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trickstersaint · 6 months

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in which you are seven years old and trying to dislodge the chunk of apple in your throat // october 22 2023

#hiiiiiiiii new catholicism poem. who out there is feeling mentally ill tonight #thinking about the list of sins that a child could commit that they gave to us before our first communions #poems about religion #poetry #catholic guilt #i should have a tag for the guilt poems specifically. maybe #this one and the lady macbeth poem are siblings. brother and sister (adam + lady macbeth)#poets on tumblr #poems and poetry #poem #poetsandwriters #original poetry #original poem #ex catholic #did NOT proofread this one lmao you're just gonna have to take it as it is

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divine-misfortune · 2 months

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cancelling the rest of my plans for the day bc your fleshlight post about phantom has me on the floor and I can NOT get up

The post in question :))

Dew stares up at him through those pale eyelashes. A look that could have been soft, innocent. Should have been. No, Dew was watching him with the attentiveness of a hungry dog despite everything else about him being relaxed. At ease. Something Phantom was far from.

Face still colored with humiliation, Dew only sought to deepen the violet in his cheeks - he wanted his embarrassment to be vivid, the closest thing to tangible he could get.

The fire ghoul kept his fingers curled around the hard plastic regardless of his little mewls of protest. Slowly rocking it back and forth, just enough to tug at his knot (but more so to remind him of how pathetic it was to be trapped in fucking fleshlight) and let a little bit of his cum dribble out. There had been the beginnings of a wet spot on the front of his pants to begin with, a little overzealous with lube, but it was growing to become far more noticeable.

Dew smiled up at him with the faintest hint of teeth as Phantom's nails dug into the couch cushions, another sound of objection starting to bubble up but Dew hushed him before it found its way to the surface.

"Just helping bug," he shifted onto his knees. "Wanna make sure you're properly taken care of."

His pale hair slipped from where it had been tucked behind his ear as he dipped his head, forked tongue flicking out to grace where skin and silicone met. Phantom screwed his eyes shut and tried not to buck upwards at the warmth of Dew's exhale. Breath audibly hitching when he was given more, he didn't know if it was too much or not enough. It was something and he couldn't wrap his mind around it, or anything for that matter. His brain was still fuzzy, had been since he'd first popped the head of his cock into the toy now serving as a means of torture, but Dew was steadily pushing him towards having straight up static in his skull with every little movement.

When Dew kissed over his sack in an oddly sweet gesture before taking one of his balls into his mouth, it was decidedly too much. Phantom sounded wounded with his cry and Dew let out a pleased sound in response. Little vibrations to accompany the languid caress of his tongue and Phantom's eyes were nearly crossing.

"Dew - Dew, fuck, you gotta-"

He pulled off with a satisfying pop that left the little ghoul sagging into the couch.

"I know baby, i know" the sympathy in his voice was just honey masking the medicine. "Your balls still feel so full, must hurt so bad."

"Wh..." he blinked slowly, brows drawing together.

Dew tutted at him and got off the floor, finding a new home straddling his lap. Phantom couldn't help that his hands automatically went to place on his waist, his blind obedience earned him a soft chuckle. Holding the toy steady in one hand, the other came to cup his jaw and turn his face upwards before Dew kissed him.

It was no longer a gentle push towards that far away headspace, more like a full-on shove when Dew's tongue slipped into his mouth. He could taste himself, kinda salty but heady all the same, mixed with something floral lingering in the other ghoul's mouth. Kinda reminded him of Mountain's breakfast teas. Familiar and the last solid thing he could hope to latch onto to not slip entirely, but that lasted as long as it took for Dew to start shifting the toy again.

Phantom moaned into his mouth, allowing Dew to lick that much deeper. There was a bit more give to the toy now, his knot deflating slowly, slower than he'd like but too quick for Dew's liking.

He pulled back and Phantom found himself sitting there with his tongue lolling out of his mouth, fixated on the string of saliva connecting them up until it broke.

"Gonna help you feel good," Dew's thumb stroked his jaw. "Make my good boy feel good, doesn't that sound nice?"

"But...'M sensitive."

"Just sensitive cause you didn't do a good enough job, silly boy."

"I-I didn't?"

Dew shook his head and tsked. Phantom's ears pinned back at his apparent disappointment but still twitched at the slick sound of the fleshlight stroking over him. The immediate discomfort of overstimulation felt further off but still around the corner, it wouldn't take much for the pinpricks of agonizing pleasure to dig into him again.

"I'm just gonna take care of you, get that knot nice and fat so nothing spills out."

His eyes fluttered when Dew's thumb pushed between his lips, heavy head dropping against the back of the couch with a groan. Dew had found an unfortunately efficient motion. Like a more complicated handjob in a way, stroking, twisting as soon as he felt resistance to his pull. Effectively milking him for everything he had - and Dew planned on taking everything he had to give. He could feel the last of the blood in his head rushing towards his cock. Traitorously staying fat and continuing to ache, his knot threatening to swell again, Dew had more control of his body than he did.

"Wanna see you fuck this pretty little pussy full."

#hello i made it worse :)#i did not proofread this so if u see mistakes no the fuck u did not #i speedwrote this during my break and got so into it i forgot to eat my lunch ghdbdh (eating at my desk tho dw)#void writing #spicy tag #writing #answered #nameless ghouls #phantom ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #dewdrop/phantom #aeon ghoul #the band ghost #the band ghost ficlet #ghost the band

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artofluffy · 2 months

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hi i am autistic! i just needed to get this off my chest: headcanonning characters as neurodivergent of any type (but specifically autism, adhd because they are most commonly headcannonned onto characters)

there is nothing wrong with with…i actually do it myself- for characters who resonate with me and my experiences! BUT it is not okay to be like

“OMG —— HAS ADHD, ITS MY HEADCANON”

“why?”

“they are a silly little goose”

what? that is messed up on so many levels. you’re infantilizing people who have neurodivergencies treating us like we are just ‘silly’. when it’s a thing that genuinely affects us in most of the time NEGATIVE ways! if you’re neurodivergent and reading this- name one time your neurdivergency has helped you? as for me- i cannot think of even one.

i think it’s great to headcanon characters as different sexuality (unless their canon is important to the story), gender identities (unless canon is important to the story), mental well being, and other harmless things…these are all fine, not every sunshine character is ‘adhd-coded’ not every quiet smart character is ‘autistic’ and not every scaredy cat character has ‘anxiety’,

it is fine to make headcanons when they are applicable to the character, giving some random ass character like luffy for example a headcanon of ocd because you have it is insane. you’re erasing the character and their personality, that’s rewriting fr (and there is nothing wrong with that either, just tell it like it is)

really i am not trying to say “YOU CANNOT HEADCANON NEURODIVERGENCIES ON CHARACTERS!” but rather i am saying, be mindful of what you headcanon, how it aligns with the character, does it make sense? or are you just projecting, and especially if you’re headcanonning something you don’t have…do research

#actually autistic #neurodivergent #headcanon #i am not trying to be a bitch #neurotypical #character headcanons #luffy #autism #autistic #adhd #anxitey #bpd #i am not tagging all of them #i did not proofread this

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shrinevandal · 6 months

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Initial thoughts on Double and Neoplasm - Who is guilty? What's true and what's a lie?

Hello! This is a (fairly long, sorry) post analysing the MV for Double, as well as Neoplasm, and what it means for Mikoto, Orekoto, a potential 3rd alter, their relationship as a whole, and Mikoto's judgement.

Note: I am a system myself, I am usually not very open about this so please don't ask about the details. But I think it's important to state that I do struggle with a lot of the same stuff Mikoto* does, and so my perception of it comes from a level of understanding that singlets may not have.

Obviously this contains spoilers for both Double and Neoplasm, I would recommend you watch/listen to both beforehand. This is also just my initial interpretation, I have purposefully avoided any other posts about it to make my theory/interpretation as straightforward and from-the-source as possible.

Some terminology notes: I will be using John to refer to Orekoto, as Es has so thoughtfully dubbed him. Also, if I say MILGRAM in all caps I am referring to the project itself, and if I say Milgram in title case I am referring to the location/entity which Es works for. I also believe the 3koto theory, which will become relevant at various points here. Any translators or sources will be linked at the end.

Alright, let's get into it. Music video analysis:

Double - Visual Motifs

There are a lot of visual elements to Double, which I will break down into different sections.

Phone (& Tarot)

There are two major instances of Mikoto's phone being important in the song: Right at the beginning, when he's getting several texts and then an incoming call from "Chief" (almost certainly his boss), and in the middle of the song, when he gets a call from his mom. In the beginning, Mikoto* doesn't even look at the texts, and when he answers the call, he seems to barely be listening.

Translation of the texts are as follows (thank you rochisama on wordpress!):

- Regarding the first draft you submitted today, I think option B might be the best after all, so can you remake it by morning.

- Also, I forgot to mention, but you made a lot of mistakes with the one we spoke about earlier, so make sure it’s all fixed too. This one also needs to be ready by morning, so I’ll leave it to you to get everything ready.

- Oi, get back here now.

- Are you going to abandon your duties?

There are also two fun little details here with the phone: His lock screen is a picture of the Hanged Man, the same version that was on his shirt in MeMe:

Also, His battery is at 29%.

Two of prisoner nine.

Later in the song, when his mom calls him, he immediately picks up, greets her energetically despite the bags under his eyes, and informs her he's doing well and not to worry.

"Oh, hello? Mom? It’s been a while. Yeah… well, I mean, some days are hard, but… I’m doing alright, don’t worry. How’ve you been? I’ll go home next time I get some time off."

He also hangs up very quickly, as if he doesn't want to talk to her. He gives her placating words and then ends the conversation as soon as he can.

According to his S1 Interrogation questions, Mikoto's family consists of him, his mom, and his younger sister. His parents are divorced. He gets along well with both his mom and sister, but also states that he can't let his mom worry. This checks out with him hiding the truth from her, as letting her know just how badly he's doing would certainly cause concern. Keep all this in mind, it will become important later on.

Eyes

I don't have much of note to say about it right now, but eyes are a pretty heavy visual motif throughout the whole video.

One thing I will say about it, though, is the large eyes across the whole screen show up twice: Once as orange, symbolizing John, and then as a grey-blue, symbolizing Mikoto.

Colors

There are five important colors: Blue, Green, Red/Orange, and Pink.

I'm grouping red and orange because I believe they both symbolize John. Blue is obviously Mikoto.

As I've mentioned, I am a fan of the 3koto theory- The visuals in the MV for MeMe, and even the composition itself, allude to 3 different entities (Music theory nerd here, hehe - I wanna write my own take on the 3koto theory eventually and talk about the way the song itself changes, but that's for another time.) And now in Double, it seems like there is still that imagery, albeit much less strongly than before.

So green, like in MeMe, symbolizes Midori/Midokoto/whatever you wanna call him. Pink is a little bit of a weird one, so I'll get to that in the moment. Anyway, let's start with some John moments.

The red glow in the back shows that John is the one fronting in all three of these shots, with Mikoto being asleep behind him in the second one.

An example of blood splatters with an orange tint. This is part of the reason I think both orange and red symbolize Mikoto, since they're so interconnected here. Also, as mentioned in the eyes section, the eyes there are very orange whereas John is usually associated with red.

Speaking of eyes,

Huge 3koto implications in a few frames from this shot. John's body flashes green at one point, and the background and fire-halo are green when John's eyes are glowing orange. In the next image, the body's eyes are scribbled over in green. This scene in particular is very interesting to me, with both implications of Midori's existence and his connection to the eye motif. It also calls John "savior"

Here's another notable instance of 3koto near the beginning, right after John throws Mikoto's phone. Notice the color progression in the scene. Green background with blue text, down to red background and red text. John is clearly being portrayed as an outsider here, with Midori and Mikoto being a duo.

Going back to blood splatters, there are various points in the video where the "inverse" of the blood is either green or blue. This also checks out with both red and orange being John's colors; Blue is the opposite of orange, and green is the opposite of red. This also doubles (haha) as another example of John being the opposite of MikoMido

The train itself has a lot of green highlights. When John stares out the door into the other train cars, it flashes green a few times. It's not pictured here, but the door also flashes a staticky pink once, and so does Mikoto's body earlier in that same scene I showed where it's fully green.

Alright, more on pink now. I'm actually not entirely sure what it may symbolise, but my main guess is it's Mikoto's victims.

Aside from the instances mentioned above, these are the most prominent pink scenes in the video. Similar to how orange was juxtaposed against both blue and green, here it's against blue. In context, these scene also seems to me like a switch, a realization of what Mikoto has done. A brief instance where his memories coexist with him, and he's horrified at his actions.

Double - Overall Analysis

As pointed out in the colors section above, Midori seems to be very present still. He seems to be haunting the video in a way, lying just underneath the surface.

A really important aspect of DID that hasn't been directly addressed by MILGRAM is the fact that it's caused by childhood trauma, usually around the ages 9 to 10 or younger. For those who don't know, this is because young kids have not fully formed their identity and sense of self yet. Usually, kids will eventually consolidate all their various parts into one, which becomes their sense of self. But trauma literally changes how the brain works on several levels, and for some kids, that interrupts the process of those parts fusing together. (This is also why there's discourse behind the idea of an "original" personality - Which one is the "original" between a pair of identical twins, for example? One cell divided into two, so really neither of them are that first cell.)

My theory for Mikoto's childhood trauma and subsequent DID symptoms, is that Mikoto in his current form is the body's "first" alter, and that Midori was the original host. (I have several reasons for believing it's this and not the other way around, but it's not that important for this post. But do think about, "I'm already the fake one.")

We know that John specifically was created as a result of Mikoto's job stress, meaning he was obviously not around when Mikoto and Midori were kids. By the time the events of MILGRAM roll around, it seems like Midori is completely dormant, or at least very rarely fronts, as John seems to pretty clearly imply just his and Mikoto's existence in both Double and Neoplasm. But if John wasn't around when Mikoto was a kid, there has to have been at least one other alter throughout the course of Mikoto's life. You don't just suddenly develop DID at age 23 without having had it since you were traumatized (Unless the MILGRAM team is just clueless about DID, which is possible too but imo they've done a pretty decent job so far so I would rather believe in 3koto. I have faith in them, maybe that'll bite me in the ass eventually, who knows).

Mikoto's childhood trauma is not very clear, but I think it can be one of two main things, and they are likely connected: Either something to do with his parents' divorce, or the reason he is so against worrying his mom.

Mikoto clearly loves his mother a lot, but it seems like doesn't trust her on some level. He doesn't want her to worry, which is an understandable emotion, especially if she puts a lot of pressure on him to perform well, which I have a feeling is the case. (Full disclosure, I could be projecting my own experiences here, because I have had these same struggles with my own mom pressuring me to do well in school and such. But I think it's worth mentioning)

Mikoto clearly hates his job, but he doesn't get a new one. Referencing the Interrogation again, while he seems to enjoy the career path he's on (ie graphic design), the job he currently has is purely to make money, and not for his enjoyment. He also mentions in the Interrogation that he hopes someday he can start his own indie company. In the real world, it's actually very common for graphic designers to start with jobs in advertising, because it makes a lot of money. Then once they have enough to support themselves, they go on to projects they're more passionate about. So Mikoto's reasons for sticking with his advertising job could be either to make money or to satisfy his mom, or both. Again, I could very much be projecting here.

Now onto his dad and the divorce. I won't lie, I am not at all an expert in Japanese law, but I'm fairly familiar with US law because my mom is a lawyer here. So how it usually how it works in the US is that parents divide custody by either working out a schedule or by simply choosing which kid goes with which parent, unless one parent is abusive, in which case all kids go to the non-abusive parent. In Japan, however, apparently the mom is the default parent that kids go to, regardless of other situations, except in some extreme cases probably. Again, not an expert, but it seems that even if Mikoto's mom was abusive in some way, the court system would still give Mikoto and his sister over to her, especially if her form of abuse is purely psychological with no physical evidence. So this is one possibility, but even if both parents were good people and separated on friendly terms, divorce can be traumatizing for kids. It's unclear at what age Mikoto's parents divorced, but it seems to have been long enough ago that he doesn't even consider his dad part of his family. Meaning it's very possibly the main source of trauma that cause Mikoto's DID.

Neoplasm

Alright, finally it's time for the audio drama! This is a much shorter section, but there's a LOT here and I'm really excited about this one actually, because it seems like a step in the right direction for Mikoto and accepting John. He doesn't know it's DID, nor does Es try to tell him, but he acknowledges it as "sleepwalking", which is still super huge. If Kotoko and Es ever choose to inform him, it seems like they have a much better chance at getting across to him now than when MILGRAM started.

John being much more present and coherent is also big news, as he has a full on conversation with Es, and even receives a name from them. Although he expresses concern about this and "wishes he had stayed a monster", I honestly think this is amazing for both him and Mikoto. Along with the sleepwalking analogy, it's progress on their ability to accept themselves and each other.

John also sheds some light on his and/or Mikoto's murder, claiming that there were several indiscriminate victims, and that his memories are also fuzzy, citing that it's likely because he had only recently been born. To me, the most interesting part of this is the fact that John's memories are not intact. While he seems to think it's just due to not really being used to being alive, I think there's another explanation for it. Fuzzy memories are a very common symptom of DID, and most notably happens when one alter tries to access another alter's memories, often because they're being blocked. Maybe in a similar way to how Mikoto doesn't remember anything? 🤔

Another important thing here is that John claims that he is the one who killed people. But the most pressing question is, is he telling the truth?

We know that Milgram's criteria for what counts as murder and who counts as the perpetrator is very loose; For example, Yuno's abortions are enough to qualify her, and Fuuta doxxing Killcheroy is enough to qualify him. So it's not a stretch to think that maybe John really is the killer, and that Milgram just picked Mikoto as the person to be judged since he's the "main" alter. But this honestly doesn't sit right with me.

If there's one thing we know for certain about John and his dynamic with Mikoto, it's that he would do anything to ensure Mikoto's safety. Notice how he was incredibly nonchalant about the murder until Es pointed out that even with psychological evaluation taken into account, the death penalty is still very likely for Mikoto. As soon as they allude to Mikoto being in danger, John's attitude immediately switches, claiming over and over, very relentlessly, that he was the sole killer, and that Mikoto is innocent. His frantic behaviour is a very clear sign that this is survival mode; why would he tell Es the truth if it could put Mikoto in danger?

All of this really goes back to the major differences between them; Mikoto is honest and uses humor to cope, John avoids being open and lashes out at people. Mikoto straight up blocks all the bad memories, John is aware of them but has a hazy recollection of events.

So while it's a possibility that Mikoto is innocent and that John is the killer, I find it much, much more likely that Mikoto did it and then blocked his own memories, and that John is lying about the situation to protect Mikoto. It's what he's always done, after all.

Final thoughts - Forgiven vs Unforgiven

This may be an unpopular take, but I think as of right now, my first instinct is to vote Mikoto as Unforgiven. I'd like to point out that there's a difference between Innocent vs Guilty, which is how the terms are officially translated, but in Mikoto and John's case I think they are interconnected. There are cases in Milgram where I think they're completely separate ideas and cases where I think the difference is moot, and MikoJohn definitely fall into the latter one.

I also am very conflicted on the concept of Metavoting; for example, Amane being voted Unforgiven was an incredibly stupid decision on the majority's part and I'm not afraid to state that. (Tbf Her mental state is delicate enough that forgiving her would also not end well, but lesser of two evils imo. But all that's for another time.) However, with MikoJohn, again, it actually aligns very well with my actual judgement. John very clearly states that it's his belief that forgiving Mikoto will reduce Mikoto's stress, and allow John to fade away. Whether this is a good or bad thing, or neutral even, is pretty complex honestly, but I think for me personally, I would view it as a bad thing.

Again, I am not very open about my system-isms, but I relate a lot to Mikoto in his current state of being unable to accept John's existence. I was in that exact same position once, and for me, accepting the existence of my alters was very beneficial to all three of us, and we are much closer now and less stressed overall. If John continues to exist, that means Mikoto will have a chance to figure things out and accept John's existence. But if John fades, he may be still caught in that perpetual state of half-existence, with Mikoto being unable to accept him.

So with all these things together; the fact that Mikoto is the one we are judging and I am pretty sure he is the killer, the fact that John may fade if Mikoto is forgiven, and how that isn't a good thing in Mikoto's case, and the fact that - I am pretty damn sure I want to vote Mikoto as Unforgiven. This isn't the be-all, end-all, of course. We don't know if John's prediction is correct about disappearing, we don't know if voting Mikoto Unforgiven will actually have the opposite effect that I hope for and drive him to his breaking point, hell we still don't know who did it. My opinion may change because again, this is just my initial thoughts. I'd love to interact with other systems about this and see their thoughts and opinions. Thank you for reading if you made it this far!!!

Translations, Resources, Etc

Chief's texts, translated by rochisama on wordpress

Interrogation questions, referenced from the MILGRAM Wikia. I'm unsure of the translator, sorry.

A/V of Neoplasm, edited by ac on youtube, featuring translation by onigiriico

kayanomikotoba's Triokoto theory (fun fact, this post is one of the main reasons I got into MILGRAM!)

A quick overview on Japanese divorce law, specifically by the US foreign embassy but it's good enough for my purposes

#milgram #kayano mikoto #this is super long and maybe be disjointed but idk i just had to get it out there #this took almost 4 hours. i havent even had breakfast #roach talk #LMK IF THERES ANY GLARING ERRORS LIKE IF SENETENCE JUST ENDS ABRUPTLY OR SOMETHING ack i did proofread several times but i dont trust mysel #to catch all errors asfdgfhd #3koto #triokoto #how do i tag all that #milgram theory #??

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flamerunn3r · 4 months

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Sorry this is unfinished but I need to post these now just bc idfk when i'm gonna actually finish the rest realistically. Idk it will happen eventually. For now heres the great p5u ramblings post detailing my thoughts designs

This is my own personal interpretations but is also somewhat speculative in nature. I'm mostly trying to deal in already established characterizations and epilogue set ups but there might be stuff I've missed or forgotten (i also haven't played dancing yet sorry if there's something in there I hadn't accounted for). This is kind of like if I took the creative reigns on the story where I'd continue for it. Only the investigation team for now (and 2 boss characters I have an idea for) but maybe I'll do the shadow ops at some point. Only 4 characters for now but I'll reblog with additions when I finish the rest or if I edit any of these

Yu Narukami

He's currently attending school as a journalism student in the city or just starting out as one. Enthusiastic about his field but still tries to find the time to keep up with his friends and visit Inaba on his holidays. I felt journalism made alot of sense for him with the themes of persona 4. I liked the sport jacket and turtleneck but wanted soemthing different so the scarf was chosen to keep the same kind of silhouette. I made the collar on the winter coat large and I feel like Narukami's large uniform collar is a key part of his design. and I wanted to call back to that in his casual outfit. The summer outfit I mostly kept close to his summer outfit from p4. I'm kind of unsure on it though I might come back to it. I mostly wanted to keep his outfits smart and simple. For his meta verse outfit I really wanted to go all out with the bancho (kingpin) stuff and other delinquent tropes. I lengthened the uniform coat a little because I wanted it to look like a tokko-fuku. Alot of smaller detail inspiration was taken from Izanagi. The lenses in the mask are supposed to mimic glasses. I'd imagine he'd take off the mask the same way he throws off his glasses in myriad truths.

Teddie

I can't imagine him leaving Inaba and the TV world behind. Still staying in town and working largely the same job. He's got his own place now albeit small (still a step up from the closet though). At some point the IT asked Mitsuru to pull some strings so he actually has a legal personhood now. The animal hoodie is something that came to me spontaneously but I knew I needed to include it. I really that his normal outfit in 4 keeps the white and red of the bear costume in the outfit so I tried to keep the colour scheme here too. Most of his later outfits are less flashy and more casual so I tried to continue that trend. I didn't want to lose the rose from the corsage completely so I included a rose pattern in the second shirt. Alot of his outfits feature light blue so I wanted that in at least one outfit. I considered making the hoodie light blue initially. I don't think he'd have a metaverse outfit he'd just use the bear costume.

Naoto Shirogane

I'm under the assumption Naoto is still presenting masculinely to the general public as of p5 but I may be mistaken in this. If I'm wrong I'd still probably largely keep the outfits similar to this. Naoto's still working as a detective and I don't think that's ever really going to change. One thing that a hypothetical p5u would have to address is what Naoto and the shadow ops would have been doing during the events of persona 5 and I unfortunately do not have any ideas for what that would be at the moment.

I feel alot of the appeal of Naoto's design is the kind of boy detective fashion. I went at this design with the intention of kind of refining that into something a little more adult while still keeping in a similar vein. I did have to ditch the pageboy hat unfortunately as I felt it made them look too young. These outfits were kind of design as pseudo work clothes which is why I tried to make them a bit more formal then the other characters. Something I consider notable about Naoto's design but deliberately avoided here was the rolled up pant legs. It's very obvious in 4 it's done because Naoto is short but I feel like Naoto would start getting that either custom made or tailored to fit. I was initially going to forgo the blazer on the summer outfit but the design felt empty without it. Naoto having a noir detective themed metaverse outfit is an idea I'd had for years but I tried to incorporate design elements that were princely. I alot of the inspiration was from Sam Spade specifically. Deliberately made similarities to Akechi's white crow design. The band around the hat is supposed to invoke the similar one on the old page boy hat.

Yukiko Amagi

Still working at her families in but is taking online courses during the off seasons. She's mostly happy where she is but is keeping her options open. Occasionally makes visits to other ryokans out of town for ideas for her families own inn, as well as an opportunity to for her to sight see.

The headband was included in her design in p4 as a like retro design thing but I find it too important of a marker of her design to remove it. I understand the why they went with the hairstyle they did for her golden epilogue but I feel it just ends up making her look way older then she is. I thought her having her hair up would be a nice change since she does it so rarely and settled on a ponytail. Tried changing the bangs but the ones she already had just felt right. I wanted her clothes to carry this kind of air of sophistication so I tried to keep them relatively simple and sleek. She's wearing pants in the winter outfit but I chose the longer coat to keep a similar skirt silhouette. The choker was largely inspired by the scarf she has in her winter outfit. Despite being a different colour the cardigan was also chosen to tie back somewhat to the sweater she wears with her school uniform.

In some side material it's mentioned that Yukiko has an interest in western fashion and aesthetics (part of what made the castle manifest the way it did) and I wanted to lean on that in some way for her metaverse design. I ended up going with a masquerade ball theme. I tried to keep the dress to something simple and easy to move in. The gloves and boots take inspiration from her persona in terms of design and size. I wanted to incorporate elements from her work kimono as well hence the ribbon around the torso and flower patterning. Probably the most unsure of this one of the metaverse designs so far. Especially the colours (considered making the reds pinks initially). Might revisit this one.

Ok that's all I have for now I'll probably do Rise's next 👍👍👍

#sorry these are of wildly varying quality i did them at completely disconnected times #i guess feel free to critique my ideas if you want but be nice pleaseeeeee #persona 4 #fine this can go in the main tags #also this took like 3 days to type up. i just proofread it but if theres something that makes no sense then oops my bad #ul

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adoaraism · 1 year

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So, I’ve been thinking about these panels… a lot.

And I love this entire chapter because it’s literally just about Yotasuke accepting someone else into his life, letting someone in. It’s such a subtle gesture, but this moment is so important in Yotasuke’s development as a character.

To understand this moment though, we need to look at the previous page, where Yotasuke himself explains the significance of sharing food or drink with someone else.

Going back to the first few panels, we see how Yamaguchi utilises “light” and “shadow” to tell a story. The cup of amakaze almost seems to be emitting light, as we see it kind of glow in Yatora’s hand as he holds the drink. When he offers the cup to Yotasuke, the light bounces off Yatora’s face, as well as the fluffy edges of Yotasuke’s jacket (not quite reaching his face, as he has yet to accept the cup).

When Yotasuke takes the cup, the light is bouncing off peoples’ backs, almost as if it’s a lamp, and the two of them are, rather than being in a spotlight, in a world of their own. As he finally takes a sip, the light softly illuminates his face and jacket.

It’s Yotasuke beginning to trust Yatora - even if sometimes the boy is too much for him. And a moment where he admits to himself that he does see Yatora as a friend.

#in conclusion #they are boyfriends your honour #i did NOT proofread this help me #also i forgot to tag this smh #blue period #yotasuke takahashi #blue period yotasuke #yatora yaguchi #blue period yatora #yatoyota

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seth-burroughs · 6 months

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............. Yeah, why didn't they?

What's it to them if he committed some fraud or bribery or whatever? Last I checked peacekeepers don't really care about that as long as it's convenient to them. Hell, Yomi being in charge is the most convenient thing to them at the moment. Thanks to this guy they can do whatever the fuck they want and no one can stop them (except for him, but rarely), they are basically the most powerful group of people in Kanai Ward. What benefit is there to arresting Yomi? To them, absolutely none. In fact that would mostly fuck up their lightsaber empire.

Don't tell me it's because they were so viscerally disgusted by Yomi's atrocities and they were actually waiting for this oppournity all along. Like I said earlier, this is nothing to them. They beat people with sticks (did you know one of my grandfathers was beating up people with sticks for a living back in the PRL days and enjoyed it it was his favourite activity? Wild shit) and murder them with their glowy sci-fi guns, it's like - meet our team, this is our most skilled officer Darrell who instinctively reaches to turn off his body cam whenever he gets into an argument with his wife, and the heart of the group, scout McKeighsleigh who massacred a family of five for accidentially scratching her car and to this say says she feels no remorse and if the situation calls for it she'll do it again :)

Like. Who the fuck cares like yeah, we figured the director might do some shady shit in the shadows, big fucking deal, anyway......

Why would they just??? Ughhhhhhhhh.

Why DIDN'T they shoot Makoto? The guy's been a nuisance and the universal enemy of the peacekeepers for 3 years. And he has dirt on Yomi, which is bad. The peacekeepers are trigger happy motherfuckers if the game wasn't already close to ending and had to take Yomi out of the picture somehow to try to lie to you that now just because the sole bad guy in charge is gone that means the system is fixed and we don't have to do anything else and not evaluate on how did it come to this, this is not a one bad apple situation oh my god cut down the whole orchard it's been growing on radioactive waste- where was I again? Oh yeah if the game wasn't ending in the next chapter Makoto would become a news headline. (not a problem for him anyway, he'll revive and scare the living shit out of everyone)

Why the heck, HELL did they listen to Makoto the masked freak. They had NO reason to they have the power and the guns and whatnot. Nothing stopping Yomi from pulling the good old switcheroo going "ummm nun-uh YOU'RE arrested" and the peacekeepers doing their thing like they always do. What is Makoto gonna do in that situation. Who's gonna help him get out of this.

And the cherry on top: Yomi offered a bounty. 100 million shien. Since when do peacekeepers not love money more than their own newborn child who's all that they have left of their dead wife who passed away in a car crash on her way back from the hospital? Why didn't Swank crawl out of the vents going "ME ME ME" and strangle Makoto with his bare hands or something I don't know shrug emoji

#the i did not proofread this tag #<- if it's a bit incomprehensible then. uh sowwy #mine #rain code #yomi hellsmile #makoto kagutsuchi

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ginkashino · 1 year

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I'll mimic your will

#lyrics are from garands by young the giant!#i drew this whole thing in an afternoon it is #1:23am #did i proofread it?#no #did i check the pacing?#also no #enjoy!#tsukishima hajime #tsurumi tokushirou #golden kamuy #not tagging it as tsutsu but like go wild if you want to #fanart #ginkomics

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prinnamon · 4 months

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[Start ID. Tags that read: #one of them is confirmed dead btw #shephard saw colettes body in xen #who knows what gina is doing #i think abt them sometimes #raging lesbians. End ID.]

HI HELLO and welcome to my twisted mind! I DON'T MEAN TO CORRECT YOU @freeshephoun but i noticed your tags on my other silly half-wife post and i wanted to let you know HAHAHAHEEHOO IT'S WORSE THAN THAT! i hope you don't mind me using you as an excuse to talk at length about cross and green and their ambiguous fate

(low-poly blood/corpse screenshots from the game and lots of text under the read more!)

[Start ID. A screenshot of what appears to be Gina Cross in a red HEV suit dead in one of the Displacement Cannon locations in Xen. End ID.]

in Opposing Force, a corpse bearing a striking resemblance to Gina Cross but wearing a red HEV suit can be found in one of the Displacement Cannon locations.

[ID in alt text.]

according to a tweet by Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford in 2018, it is indeed Gina Cross. Colette Green's fate is unspecified, but he suggests maybe G-Man found her useful enough/had enough compassion for her to put her in stasis like Shephard.

Opposing Force did come out before Decay, so considering that changes were still being made to Decay's story during development, far enough along that there are some voice lines and animations for the scrapped missions, it's likely they had no thoughts about anything that would happen in Decay's story when they decided to include Dr. Cross's dead body as an easter egg in OpFor. so, despite the confirmation by one of the people most likely to be considered An Authority on what happened in the expansions, the canon-icity of this is... slightly debatable? especially considering that (iirc) "Gina Cross's" body can actually be spotted in multiple Displacement Cannon locations in OpFor. so unless there was a wild teleporter accident that created multiple instances of her who all died in different spots... okay, wait, i said that as a hypothetical and a joke but now i like that a lot as a narrative device, fuck.

but you get what i'm saying. whether or not this is "canon" is dubious because you'd have to reconcile a lot of contradictory story elements in order to explain how one can accept this as true.

...

CHAPTER 7: RECONCILING A LOT OF CONTRADICTORY STORY ELEMENTS IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN HOW ONE CAN ACCEPT THIS AS TRUE

if you choose to take Pitchford's tweet as canon, what's especially strange (and tragic, i'll explain) is that Gina has never been shown wearing a red HEV suit anywhere else as far as i'm aware. she wears an orange suit when you see her hologram in the training program in Half-Life and Opposing Force, and she wears a tan/ivory suit in Decay.

[Start ID. A scan of a posed render of Colette Green (left, standing) and Gina Cross (right, crouched) from the Half-Life PS2 manual. Colette Green wears a red HEV suit and Gina Cross wears a tan one. End ID.]

red is Colette's color, which i imagine is probably the source of the initial confusion. which could lead you to conclude that, although this is gina, she's wearing colette's HEV suit. it would explain why she's alone. her suit may have been damaged beyond repair, and it wasn't enough to protect her, so she had to take Colette's as she went off on her own for one last desperate mission that required Gina to enter the Xen even after they and Dr. Keller thought they had successfully sealed the dimensional rift.

so, yeah, picture that. they only had one working suit left. so only one of them could go. and it had to be Cross because of her experience. and even despite their best efforts, despite Green giving up her hazard suit to give Cross the best odds, she still failed.

we know based on the ending of OpFor that the detonation of the nuclear bomb in the car park would have killed anyone still stuck at Black Mesa after a certain point, as Green and Keller almost definitely were if things went back to shit after the end of Decay, which they would have had to if Cross managed to end up dead in Xen. it doesn't make sense to say that they'd then just go "acceptable losses!" and book it, since they took so much responsibility upon themselves throughout Decay's story, so i feel they probably stayed and continued to dedicate themselves to damage control up until the very end. and, like, how would they have known about the bomb? communications were out. probably nobody except Shephard, the black ops team, and that one security guard would have been aware, realistically. so, even if Green and Keller would have wanted to escape and save themselves, there's virtually no way they'd have had enough advance notice to get out of there.

but since Colette's effort was admirable enough for her to deserve a reward in the G-Man's eyes (or maybe just to be kept in reserve in case she's needed later, depending on how you read G's motivations), she, like Shephard, was placed in stasis. and if she ever wakes up again, she'll presumably be without Keller since Pitchford makes no mention of him, and she'll definitely be without Gina.

OR if you don't want to engage with the tragedy of any of this, you can just say that the dead Ginas found in OpFor are uh. y;know. copies of her that were created somehow when she and Colette got caught up in the harmonic reflux after sealing the dimensional rift! which is sad for the clones—and oooky spooky because (mario voice) who REALLY died that day? and who came back??—but otherwise, all three of them got out of Black Mesa together.

I think about them. i think about them a lot. whyyyyy why why why WHY can't dr keller and the half-wifes be from an expansion people have easy access to like blue shit and opposing fart. screams and cries and throws up!!! no actual hate towards Blue Shift or OpFor; i love them, i just wish Decay was also two dollar and on PC

Gina Cross's page on Combine OverWiki was the main source for all my information. i also sourced the screenshot of Cross dead and the scan of Cross and Green's posed render from there. hopefully this post makes people realize that there is interesting shit going on with these characters that is worth exploring.

my final message: dear entire world, include colette green in your drawings of the freezer crew chilling in stasis (nonthreatening suggestion)

#i look forward to the release of the unofficial half-life decay: solo mission on steam so i can finally play it #let me know if i typo'd or misspoke in this. i proofread it before posting #worked on this for longer than i meant to. it was originally going to be a short reblog LOL #it turned into essay-length Decay propaganda and deserved its own post #prinna's posts #half-life #half life #half-life: decay #half life: decay #half-life decay #half life decay #gina cross #colette green #half-wife #half wife #hm. unsure if it's fair to tag opposing force. well Yeah because gina's corpse is an OpFor easter egg and i talked about it at length #opposing force #hlop4 #op4 #opfor #half-life opposing force #half life opposing force #half-life: opposing force #half life: opposing force #however i will NOT be tagging keller because i barely talked about him and did not show any pictures of him #and that would feel unfair to the 2 keller fans i know have got to be out there somewhere

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siover · 11 months

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i may be just gasping at straws here but there is something just. so insane about how the nature of kendall and shiv’s relationship is somewhat cannibalistic. like shiv spitting in his drink and kendall drinking it anyway and the ‘i love you but i cannot fucking stomach you’ and the idea of kendall being the sacrificial lamb in 2x10 + shiv’s ‘can’t eat’ . like the whole consumption aspect of it all.. just wondering if you had any thoughts on it i suppose!!

YES very true. the kitchen scene is a callback to their childhood in more ways than one--it reflects the siblings' relationship with each other and with food and how they're linked (dyou remember the summer of competitive eating disorders:)). its notable that only shiv and kendall say they're hungry despite none of them having eaten dinner, and that kendall is the only one who ends up eating anything. roman licks the cheese as a joke, passes the ingredients to shiv, who actually blends the discordant foods together, and together they feed kendall this drink that is definitely terrible for him. siblings ! no but i do think its an unsubtle metaphor but it works ! kendalls position as the heir has always relied on roman being the weaker dog bolstering his position, on shiv being the baby who will never get it bc shes a girl. and if he wont drink the rest, they'll drench him with it, turn his own promised position against him in jealousy and self interest and a mistaken notion of love

and shiv spitting in it was very much foreshadowing, yeah. i liked how it was a callback to her spitting in kendalls notebook after the "rape me/i'm not the only one," incident during her speech--it was a childish act then, and its one now, and it shows how any attempts at enmity or solidarity come from the same place of shared abuse, of seeing someone better than you see yourself and punishing them for the traits you share. kendall drinking it again reflects how his position will never be untinged by shivs simultaneous understanding as well as animosity. mirror traps real

the way this all relates to the characters' relationships with food is also ofc very interesting. roman doesnt eat at all, he denies his body and sees it as evidence of his failure to be logan's son. he never wanted ceo, it couldn't have been him, dad's death cements the impossibility of the love he craved by which proximity to the ceo position was made valuable at all. shiv admitted she was starving but never ate anything, only asked her mom if there was food. she brings up food only as a move, only as something that can serve her, because to acknowledge it otherwise would be weakness. ofc this is reflective of her relationship with power, and love--she'll bring it up first so she's noted as being aware of the cards at play without showing her hand. but she never actually gets it because when she's said the quiet part out loud, voiced her ambition, there's nothing stopping the quiet parts of her weaknesses in this world from being consumed i.e. her womanhood :) in the end all she can do is acknowledge the fact of her starvation, and spit into the poisonous food bowl while still hungry.

ofc its kendalls bowl she's spitting into. he sees food as fuel, as something that gets him where he needs to go, but never actually enjoys it, and sees such enjoyment as juvenile--we're not at buckley anymore--but his firm belief in rationality and health corresponding to awareness means its another step to the ideal position that doesn't really exist. at the end of the day he will drink the concoction because he considers himself stronger for it. i did a fucking year in shangai, i'm ready, etc

ultimately this is reflected in their choices in the endings. roman says yes first then retracts with shiv. i think hes the one who says shiv has no stomach for admin which is like, him pinning the decision to support kendall as well as the consideration to kill him onto shiv lol. SHIV doesnt have the stomach for admin, and SHIV cannot stomach kendall, and it comes down to the same thing--shiv shutting kendall out bc she's never been able to digest his choices. this DOES relate to pierce ofc and logan throwing up at the breakfast and ultimately waystar being a declining corporation that could never have eaten up pierce. do you see what im saying do you see how it makes sense from this angle that shiv was the only one who ended up still "in," even if only as the ceo's wife. shiv being unable to stomach kendall is the final nail in the coffin--its acceptance of this fact. of the death of waystar, and by extension logan. anyway i keep thinking about how when they all trooped into the kitchen, wet through, kids again, there was never really any real food in the fridge :)

#shiv roy #kendall roy #roman roy #machinery #usually i would just tag this sibs but its not really abt them as siblings more abt them individually rip. organized blog at what cost #hopefully this makes sense lmao i rehashed some stuff but truly the kitchen scene is one of my favs and not just bc theyre having fun <3 #i barely touched the surface when it came to pierce waystar being eaten etc etc but i hope the connections r clear. girls when METAPHORS #anyway. ty for the ask i enjoyed answering this <33 #sorry it got so long lol i could go on honestly theres aspects i missed #answered #did not proofread btw so if you see spelling errors etc no you dont <3

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whump-in-the-closet · 1 year

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Did You Miss Me?

Just some Thoughts on caretaker seeing whumpee for the first time since whumpee’s been captured

cw: whump, blood mention, implied captivity whump, implied torture, angst. it’s mostly angst. let me know if i should add anything though!

Rescued

Caretaker freezing in the doorway as they see whumpee curled up in the corner, unable to look away from the chains on their friend’s wrists, red and raw. That couldn’t possibly be their friend’s blood staining the tiles. Could it?

Dropping to their knees in front of whumpee, eyes burning with unshed tears but forcing a smile, forcing their hands to hold steady. A quiet whisper, almost a plea of “do you remember me?”. But whumpee just pulls away, terrified, wrapping their arms around their face. They’re shaking. Caretaker looks away, unable to believe that someone once so fiercely alive has been reduced to this.

“What did they do to you?” The question is whispered, stitched into the air, matching caretaker’s racing heartbeat. Does it come out as a strangled curse? Or as a slurred prayer, wishing this was all a bad dream?

Do they tell whumpee everything will be alright? Or do they work silently on loosening the chains, mouth set in a hard line to keep from sobbing? Their fingers now stained with blood that's not their own, but they’re past caring, and keep twisting and yanking at the locks on the chains, until they finally yield.

Whumpee begging as they pull their damaged wrists closer, “Please don’t– don’t hurt me.” They curl in on themselves, small and pitiful in the shadows, begging over and over again to be just left alone.

Caretaker’s horrified curse as they jerk back. They don't want to believe they heard that. Anything but that. Whumpee begging? It's beyond what they can bear. It's beyond wrong– no one should have words like that ripped out of them– but hearing the words fall from Whumpee’s lips fills them with dread.

Escaped On Their Own

Whumpee showing up after vanishing for months at caretaker’s door. They grin, but their eyes are tired. “Care to see an old friend?”

Caretaker’s apartment is warm and copper-colored as the last shades of sunlight fade to purple. Whumpee still remembers that. It’s nice that not everything has changed. There’s a cup of burning coffee in their hand and that’s nice too. They talk about meaningless things. They both do an excellent job of ignoring the way Whumpee’s hands tremble and how Caretaker’s voice cracks every so often on Whumpee’s name.

And then, the moment that Whumpee’s been dreading. Caretaker sets their mug down, steam still rising in little curls. Whumpee avoids looking at them. They trace patterns on the coffee table instead. Caretaker asks them why they left and there’s pain in their voice.

Whumpee clutches their mug and doesn’t answer. It all comes back, hitting them with an onslaught of blurred words and sharp actions. Pain. So much pain. Its their entire existence. Question after question and it never ends and it won’t end and—

Whumpee leaves, running from caretaker and the lamplit room, spilling the coffee on the carpet. Their eyes burn. They leave and caretaker can only watch, something twisting inside them.

#whump #whumpblr #whump community #whump writing #whump prompts #whump scenario #whumblr #just some unhinged thoughts by yours truly #did i proofread this #no #did i edit it #certainly not #if you use any of these tag me i’m begging you #i wanna read it #anyway thats all

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thatlittledandere · 7 months

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PLEASE talk about xoxo droplets omg. im no thoughts head empty rn but tbh just i wanna hear every opinion you have about it,, i love when people share my Extremely Unknown Special Interest

Every time I think about how to explain the main characters to someone unfamiliar with them I can get through Everett and Shiloh just fine, normal short synopses, but THEN. NATE LAWSON. TRAPS ME FOR HOURS. Nate isn't even my favorite but I'm obsessed with him oh my god. This is gonna have spoilers for his route btw hold on

Like. I met him, and thought, in a true JB fashion, hot damn. He, he's easily the most attractive of the bunch to me shrsvhddh (Everett has so many qualities I love on paper but in practice. It's Nate he's the most handsome) Then I started to observe why he's in the Unfriendable Group and deducted that he's got a stick the size of a log up his ass. Simple enough. But WAIT THERE'S MORE

I started his route PURELY because he was hot shhddvhgd even though I disliked him hard after my first playthrough. (Shiloh. I didn't believe the warnings. F in the chat bois.) He's not JUST a stickler to the rules nooooooo he's a PERFECTIONIST. And a SUPERHUMAN. But HE doesn't see it like that nooooo he thinks he's just the only one who puts in any effort at all. People keep telling him his standards are unreachable but ~obviously~ they're not. If he can do it, so can everyone else! They're just not trying hard enough! And he doesn't try to be perfect, no, that's impossible. He just wants to be the best he can!

But it's never enough. There's always room for improvement, after all. Nate could get a perfect score on a test and still be dissatisfied, because he could have elaborated on that point in his essay more, or his handwriting got too close to the marginalia on one line and that is unprofessional, or he thought on that one multi-choice question longer than he should have if he studied adequately, etc, etc.

And because of this he's constantly stressed the FUCK out. He volunteers when something needs to be done, he helps out teachers, he takes it upon himself to make sure everyone else is ALSO acting properly, he puts at LEAST 100% into EVERYTHING he does, and there's always more to do. He has a part-time job at a warehouse as well and while the physical labor can offer a bit of a break for his brain, you can bet your ASS he doesn't stop for ONE second or stay on his break a MINUTE too long. How the hell does he live like this?

Well. What other choice is there? Things need to be done. They need to be done well. And obviously Nate knows the importance of rest to your health and performance, so he certainly eats and sleeps properly, but see these things are also scheduled and measured and optimized for maximum efficiency. But does he get REST, for REAL? Does he RELAX?

Yes, because he's best friends and roomies (the room is spotless At All Times) with Everett "2kool4skool" Gray (who would shoot me point blank for saying something so uncool about him). I Could write another essay on their dynamic but let's just say they balance each other out. Nate gives Everett direction, Everett gives Nate respite. Phew.

But I'm not done. MORE MORE MORE. Because I started talking about my personal relationship to Nate but got sidetracked by character analysis dghfsfh THE THING IS I disliked him heavily even some time after starting his route, and all the characters absolutely SHINE on their dates. But then. The unthinkable happened.

The class trip.

Now of course I already knew Nate was extremely high strung all of the time, but until that point I'd seen it either as an annoyance or a joke. But the class trip was, like, a disaster to Nate. He's spending more time with the group outside strictly defined areas and activities and therefore feels responsibility over their behavior. Obviously a new environment with new activities gives everyone more opportunities to act up. They have a schedule, but it's not in Nate's control, and he can't help seeing himself as like a vice advisor, and nothing goes exactly as planned or at ALL as planned, and everyone's doing it on PURPOSE his life is already hell and they're doing it to SPITE him or maybe they're just completely unfit to the title of human being that's been forced on these demons, and this is STILL SCHOOL they're still bound by school rules and they should LEARN things here and GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT for HEAVENS sake,

So it's no wonder he breaks down. And it was, it was fucking terrible. Nate's stress and anxiety present as anger most of the time, I didn't... I didn't see him as the type who would cry. Kind of figured Nate was one of those boys who didn't remember the last time they cried but guessed it was somewhere around fourth grade? Heartless of me. I really thought he was like. Pardon the expression. Above such vulnerability.

Of course he's not. He's a person, and a highly sensitive one at that. I guess I hadn't noticed it over what a hardass he is;;; And y'all I felt SO bad. And so awkward. Like. What the fuck do you do in that situation? This wasn't supposed to happen. It felt like we were breaking the script somehow. Like. "I'm not supposed to see this. Why am I seeing this? Do I need to? Fucking christ. Is this allowed? When can I leave. Uh. There there? Can't even pat him on the shoulder. Jesus just kill me"

And that scene changed everything. Nate cried in front of the MC and I could never see him in the same light again. I used to think he was kinda just a tough yet guarded guy and a demanding ass but oh wow he's actually just like. This dude has anxiety. This dude has problems. He's burning out at light speed and has been for the past what? Eight years?? Get him HELP.

And I HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED ON HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS PARENTS YET. So they're the type who saw having children as just a step that responsible adults take at some point in their lives, and they were not prepared. And Nate was a difficult child too. Not on purpose, obviously, babies don't do anything on purpose, but he was particularity emotional even as a baby. He's just Like That. So his parents ehm eeeurgh tolerated him for a few years. Just kind of. Pushed through it. And then decided to give up and send him to a boarding school. Like they basically abandoned him there because they couldn't handle him.

And Nate is on hard denial about this. He tells himself it was the reasonable choice and the best for everyone, and he's not wrong, but he's also not ready to face the fact that uh. His parents very much just are not good at parenting and they don't actually know each other at all. "I respect them and they respect me" is how he puts it, and again it's not wrong but also christ he was not truly loved as a child and still isn't. Mommy and daddy hear that his grades are top of the class and he's very mature and responsible and respected by staff and students alike, and they're proud of him, but they do NOT know who he is as a person or how fucking terrible he's actually doing.

Not that Nate admits any of that himself. I can see how it would be difficult to face when you're already juggling fifty glass balls on a glass platter while riding a unicycle on hard stone floor.

Why is NATE is the one I give a private Ted Talk on regularly when none of the jerks are doing much better. He's just for fucks sake he, he's doing so bad. So bad. Maybe it's the incredibly harsh wakeup call I got? I cannot overstate how impactful that one scene was. HE CRIED. HE CRIED IN FRONT OF ANOTHER PERSON? HE BROKE DOWN?? NATE LAWSON HAS WEAKNESSES??? LIKE HE WASN'T JUST DOING ALL THAT FOR THE SAKE OF OBLIGATION OR TO LOOK GOOD ON A RESUME? HE'S REALLY THAT CRUSHED? I wasn't supposed to be there. I know it's a scripted event but I wasn't supposed to see that it feels not allowed. Are you still there? Thank you for reading go to sleep

#asks #andimhome #xoxo droplets #nate lawson #I'm insane. I'm crazy I'm craaazyyyy. asylum #you should imagine me from above through a fish eye lense as I'm typing this #I'm not going to proofread it sorry if my keyboard made it incomprehensible at times #I'll come back to fix it hold up on reblogging until then 👍#(because everyone is totally going to reblog this yes. my words are irresistible)#thank you for this I've been dying to talk about nate Lawson. this time actually #edit i came back and fixed it. wasn't even bad!! i did so well this i deserve a 4 out of 5 at least #jb moment. kinda wish i was still in school so i could get this graded asadgsdg #did so well this TIME* in the earlier tag #christ. i did so well this time

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