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messervixen · 10 months

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The Marauders and people as things my Friends and I have said Part 2

Marlene (to James): You can tell all your other guy friends that a bunch of gay girls were putting flowers in your hair.

Alice: Give yourself a beard. Be normal.

Remus: Get in the chair.

Sirius: Cucumbers so sexy.

Pandora: Oh no, my fishbowl!

Alice: And Jesus would say “oh my god”.

Regulus: I’m not gonna let that happen because you’re not that amazing.

Barty: You’re the mentally insane version of your grandma.

Regulus: I am emotionally attached to this ruler.

Barty: I’m bored, let’s fry my goldfish.

Sirius: Don’t say the fuck word.

Mary: If I were a kidnapper, I would totally pick you.

Peter: I need my gummy bears so I can kill people.

Pandora: These poles are actually really good for pole dancing.

Sirius: This guy looks like he would hang out in a dumpster with me.

Marlene: That name is perfect for a gay bottom.

Barty: Broski was originated from the Russian president Taylor Swift.

Sirius: So I’m not like the pope…, I’m god.

James: Please stand up and hit the griddy for demonstration.

Sirius: I am a professional look good-er.

Marlene: Weird question, are you gay?

Regulus: The only animal I have in my house is my brother.

Pandora: Friends are like flowers. If you eat them, they die.

Remus: I want to get run over.

Marlene: He just wiggled like a gay man.

James: It’s not burnt, it’s just ripe.

Regulus: Go die.

Evan: Kids in the backseat cause accidents and accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Lily: Don’t body shame the thick bread.

Sirius: I’m not a British gay, I’m an American straight.

Marlene: Get gayed.

Sirius: My mom just made a very PG-13 word sequence.

Marlene: If you eat your child is that cannibalism or incest?

Lily: I’d be hot as a flower.

Evan: I’m technically not a virgin. In Hawaii a wave shot up my ass.

Regulus: Mommy I want a penis, why is it not growing?

Mary: Your butt is being used for the greater good.

Marlene: Do you think demons suck on toes?

Barty: Regulus is my sugar daddy.

James and Regulus in CR: I would have four kids with that man.

Sirius (About Remus): I would literally let him fuck me with a knife handle.

Dorcas: If there were no babies made then there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Peter: Did you just call your own dad hot?

Sirius: My friends want me, mother.

Marlene: You can tell he’s gay by the way he looks out that window.

James: Nothing gets kinkier than a knife.

Regulus: Apparently I’m running from the trauma of my past.

Sirius: What you did to me on that table is going to leave some bruises.

Frank: Okay we are not raping a dead body.

Barty: I’ll take it as payment.

Peter: Do you have a knee caressing fetish?

Regulus in CR: Oh my god he has a sexy axe.

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scribblestatic · 8 months

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Mr. Deku is like the mix of a Boomer, Millennial, and Gen Z.

Like, man won't know what a TikTok is, but when his grand daughter (he's gay, but quirk shenanigans, long story) asks him to do a popular dance with her, there he is, doing the griddy.

Despite his big age, he will still laugh at "Me and the boys at 2AM looking for BEANS."

He didn't initially get into tabletop gaming, but ever since he's learned how to play DnD, he's never gone back.

Grand Daughter: Daaaad, c'mon, please let me go out with my friends!

Son: No, I already said you're grounded.

GD: *looks to Deku* Grandpa, pleaaaaaase?

Deku: Critical miss.

GD: C'MON!!!

Also, he got *kiiiinda* obsessed over DnD for a good minute. As in, he started collecting DnD stuff just like his hero stuff. He could sell his collection for a few grand, no lie.

#mr deku au #mr. deku au #static writes #static drabbles #mha au #bnha au

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bitch4vanya · 4 years

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Indestructible (Klaus x Reader x Vanya)

Ep. Number 5

Warning: Mention of drugs (cocaine/weed are abused in this series), Swearing, Pretty gay, Female POV but can be easily changed if needed, SPOILERS, it follows the same story line as the show so there’s a ton, gore

Word Count: 1.8k

“What’re you doing under there?” You asked Klaus who was digging under his bed. He popped his head out, grinning at you wildly.

“Come here,” He waved you over. You cautiously took a seat on the floor next to him. He pulled out a baggie underneath the Polaroids of the two of you.

“Klaus is that-”

“Maybe,” He smiled, he was tired, but still the excitement of doing something he shouldn't overtook the guilt that weighed on him as his deceased brother looked over his shoulder disappointingly. “It helps quiet things down.” He explained looking behind you at a tall dark figures hiding in the corners of his room.

You watched, mesmerized by the fluidity of his motions as he skillfully rolled a joint, sticking the filtered end into his mouth before digging into the box to find a lighter. He took a long hit, coughing a little before passing it to you.

You stared at your friend’s latest fix. Looking up at him as he exhaled shoulders relaxing as the smoke left his lungs. You craved that peace. The quiet he spoke of. You breathed in the smoke for the first time,

and for the first time it felt like you could breathe.

Diego wordlessly drove you back to Griddy’s where you had your car towed to by the nice man in the truck for the low low price of a thirty second hand job. You played with your hands, feeling absolutely sick to your stomach. How could you have let this happen. Sometimes- Most of the time it felt like you were the only one there for Klaus. You had always been there for him. Even Diego hadn't been the one to bail him out of jail half the time. Or checked up on him while he was in rehab. Hell, to check in with him in rehab. Maybe you weren't the best influences on each other a lot of the time but you had always been there.

“I'm sorry,” You started not looking up at Diego. His jaw clenched. You still had hope for Klaus. Diego knew Patch was gone.

“It’s not your fault.” He croaked trying to keep his voice steady.

“I could have done something-”

“”Drop it.” You stopped, bowing your head in shame and worry. He signed feeling sorry for snapping but not having the energy to apologize. “Go on.” He says pulling up next to your car. You give him a weak but appreciative smile, getting in your car. He nods and backs out of the parking lot, wiping away a stray tear.

You wait for him to leave before settling into the back seat, an old shirt of Vanya’s as a pillow.

“You have beautiful hair.” You smile, running your hands through her soft, dark strands. It was late. You should be in your room but you were dazed and a little high still, just wanting to be close to someone.

“You’re high.” She sighed, looking away, the moonbeams accentuate the exhaustion on her face. She was still so lovely, and you were sure you looked worse. On her back, her hands on her stomach, her chest ached as you cuddled into her side. She had never felt this way before and she wasn't quite sure what this was.

“Only a little, but you’re always beautiful.” You say dreamily, nuzzling her shoulder. After a moment of silence you ask a question you had been wandering yourself for a couple months now, “Vanya,” She turns her head slightly, still shy but wanting to look at you. “Have you ever been kissed?” She hadn’t left the Academy more that thrice in the last year, even less the year before. The answer was a simple no. In her sixteen years of living she hadn’t known anyone but her siblings. Who would she have kissed?

“No,” She whispered embarrassed, a little curious, definitely anxious as you lifted yourself to get a better look at her. Your face hovered over her’s, eyes flickering down to her lips.

“Do you want to be?

You stumbled down the sidewalk, Agnes had found you that morning shivering and whimpering in your sleep. She woke you up by knocking softly on the car window. Handing you a cup of coffee and asking if she could do anything to help. You smiled softly thanking her but ultimately having a mission. You had to find Klaus.

A couple blocks away from Griddy’s and you saw a small explosion followed by wails that sounded far too familiar. You raced around the corner finally finding Klaus, hunched over a broken suitcase, bits and pieces of it shattered. You called his name bending down beside him and taking his head in your lap. He sobbed clinging on to you as if his life depended on it.

You hugged him close letting his cries die down until no sound was left. You had never heard anything like it from him. He was absolutely distraught. Tears of your own pooled in your eyes as both relief and dread settled into your chest.

Finally you got him to stand, your arm wrapped around his ribs as you made your way to the only home you had left.

“You want me to make you some tea?” You asked softly, he had complained of a headache.

“Coffee actually, thanks,” He sighed, scratching his chest and settling on his childhood bed.

“Okay,” You smile softly at him, the expression quickly fading as you turned around and headed to the kitchen. He hadn't wanted to talk about it when you got home and you let that be. What he had been through in the past forty eight hours, calling it horrific couldn't begin to describe it.

By the time you had made the coffee, Five was speaking to Klaus who looked dazed and annoyed. Five whipped around and glared at you, you stared back at him. “Get out,” He exclaimed, frustrated by your ignoring his glare as you handed Klaus the coffee. He took it gratefully smiling up at you weakly before downing the cup. You looked at the kid, handing him your mug of coffee thinking he probably needed it more.

“I'm trying to have a serious conversation with my brother.” He took the mug anyway, chugging it faster than Klaus had. You looked over at him, he shrugged exhausted and defeated. You go to say something but leave, emotionally drained from the day's events as well.

But you felt the urge to look for the people who had done this to Klaus. You felt the rage in the pit of your stomach burn and you pushed through the tiredness from your two basically sleepless nights.

“-Interrogation over.” Klaus huffs, leaving to go after you but by the time he makes it outside you’re gone.

A knock on the car window makes Diego and Klaus jump, seeing it's you Diego rolls down the window. “You guys suck at hiding.”

“What’re you doing here?”

“Same as you, I'm getting revenge,” You smirk.

“They'll see you,” Diego hissed. You shrug looking up at the mostly abandoned motel.

“”They know why I'm here,” You say looking up and catching Hazel’s gaze. You flip him off smiling grimly.

“Get in.” You slip into the backseat digging into your jacket pulling out the gun you got the other night.

“I have a gun.” You say after a pause, making Diego whip around to see if you were joking or not.

“Why?!” He exclaimed reaching for it, you pull it out of his reach, as Klaus looks at you amusingly.

“I traded with my roommate for it.” You grin.

“Jen?” He asks.

“Mhm, well it wasn’t exactly a trade, she was like give me your drugs, bitch,” You gesture with the weapon, making Diego flinch, “and I said, Jen, please put it down, and she just kept yelling so I went and got the drugs and she threw the gun at me and told me to get out, and I mean even without any weapons she's pretty intimidating-”

“Where are you staying?” Diego asked, now more concerned than he was before.

“In my car, “ You say casually, Klaus gave you a worried look, suddenly feeling guilty he hadn't thought about that before. “So now I have like three outfits, from when I was staying in my car last year, no drugs, and a gun.” You explain counting the things off on your fingers.

“Gimme that-'' Diego wrestled you for the gun, reaching behind the driver seat to get it. You yell as he snatched it from your hands.

“Stop! That's one of my only possessions, I gave everything for that!” You pout.

“Relax we were gonna use it for the same reason anyway.” He mutters checking to make sure the gun was loaded.

“Oh. Okay well, go get em, sport,” You grin almost sarcastically, patting his shoulder and exiting the car.

“Where are you going?”

“Well, I was gonna use the gun on them, but since you took it from me, I’ll just have to use my hands,” You smile wildly at Diego's shocked expression. He holds you back from climbing the back stairs of the motel, pushing you back into Klaus who had stepped out with his brother.

“You two stay here.” He states not waiting for a response before sneaking discreetly but efficiently up the stairs.

“Are you seriously staying in your car?” Klaus asks, concerned etched in his tone.

“Yeah, where else would I go?”

“The Academy? Vanya's place?” You laugh at the thought. You had put her through enough over the years. “And you’re sober?”

“I had to be, I was looking for you,” You say looking over at him as you trailed behind Diego. “And I have no money,” You tease taking a breath as you two finally catch up to Diego.

“Don't wait up,” You smile racing ahead of the two. You turn a corner into the open motel room. Empty. “Shit,” A shot rings out outside and Diego groans in pain. You sprint and take the gun from his hand, turning and shooting at the vehicle speeding up the street, hitting and shattering the back window and just barely missing one of the back tires. Another shot is heard but you barely notice as you sigh, having let them escape once again.

“Holy shit, (Y/N),” Klaus exclaims holding a hunched Diego, his eyes glued to your abdomen. You look down to see the wound bleeding through your sweater.

“I'm keeping this.” You state calmly about the gun, aiming to finish what you started. You turn the corner before writhing in pain. Maybe Klaus was right. Maybe Vanya would take you in, at least for the night. You struggle up the street, gripping your stomach, she was only a couple blocks away.

“What about my family.” Five muttered.

What about them” The Handler spoke, unamused.

“I want them to survive.”

“All of them?”

“Yes, all of them,” he paused looking over at Klaus, “And that (Y/N), I want her alive to.”

The Handler chuckled, “Well you don't have to worry about that,” She grinned. Five gave her a suspicious look. She shrugged “I'll see what I can do,”

Tag list,

@anthonystarksglasses

#vanya hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #umbrella academy klaus #klaus hargreeves x reader #umbrella academy vanya #vanya hargreeves x reader #diego hargreeves #The Umbrella Academy

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neuronary · 4 years

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tua rewatch 3

why are we five years ago? oh wait it's vanya's book time. [montage of all the siblings reading the book] is klaus reading it iN GROUP THERAPY? dhjsjs ben getting offended.

[vanya being late for orchestra] mood. helen's pretty. her name's helen right? i think she's a big deal later.

[tape of grace murdering hargreeves] me too grace me too. [luther and allison being alarmed and distressed] tfw ur robot ma turns out to be a murderer

okay but grace and patch are Carrying This Show

[grace listing off stats about the day hargreeves died] me too grace me too.

[allison and luther Looking at each other] "i'm not asking a robot if it has feelings, luther" [”were you ever angry at dad?”] that passive aggressive household activity. me when my friends ask if i'm resentful about having raised my little brother.

[patch at the clothes shop crime scene] go eudora. [diego makes a comment about her liking leather] diego be less creepy challenge.

[vanya and helen bathroom scene] oh so helen's a bitch okay. [”find something you’re actually passionate about”] oh wait she might be another psychoanalysis queen.

[cha cha with the straighteners] did. are you. oh right cauterising. ok. hazel and cha cha have a nice dynamic.

[five climbing out of the fire escape] five is just. half his lines are So Painfully thirteen-year-old. [klaus ‘finds’ the bagel] that bagel is very clean. [five steals a van] stakeout time. also did that guy leave his keys in the ignition? that was a suspiciously quick hotwire if not.

[allison tells luther about what happened with claire] oh i'm feeling for allison again. tbf i asked my mum and she said "yep u sucked i would've done that". [”i don’t know if any of my life is really mine”] it's that imposter syndrome. ugh i love her so much. but shoutout luther for trying to be helpful.

[leonard does aNtIqUE rEStOrATioN] ugh that's a red flag. [”well, [making statues] is kind of embarrassing”] all his self-deprecation is so obviously fake. wait maybe i'm just cynical. or gay. [violinist statuette] that's creepy that's creepy that's creepy [”here, have it”] don't take it. don't.

i'm gonna hurl. where's that gif of the gay best friend. "love him? you met him THURSDAY"

[this one. from here.]

[allison turns up] shoutout allison for apologising and also for trying to be a better sister. [also shoutout allison for keeping vanya from making terrible life decisions for an extra episode] literally allison + vanya being sisters is my jam. more of that please.

[five watches a bunch of kids playing football and i think about the fact that he lost his entire childhood to an abusive douchebag and the apocalypse] oh o w my heart. [he has a flashback] oh Ow. [luther struggles to get in the car] jdjsjds [klaus dancing with delores] klaus that is your SISTER IN LAW have some respect. [wE fOuNd cLUes aBoUT dAd] no one cares luther. [they kick klaus out of the van] this whole scene is wonderful. peak comedy. [”you think you’re better than us”] luther coming in with the psychoanalysis except it's off because men are shit at psychology. [klaus shoplifts] me too five. me too.

honestly most of the comedy with klaus comes from his actions rather than his actual lines. they're a bit "uwu random XD" 2013 tumblr for me. but other characters watching him do crazy bullshit without really reacting? golden.

[hazel and cha cha go to griddy’s] time for the only straight couple that gets rights.

e l a b o r a t e

honestly if a girl was explaining how she makes donuts to me i'd fall in love too. i'm claiming hazel for the lesbians folks.

cha cha here to cockblock. [”that most certainly was not his father.”] cha cha out here coming up with The best cover stories. she really is an icon.

[agnes draws two (2) half circles instead of a full circle] that's cursed.

[family meeting about the grace tape] time for another fight over literally nothing. [”she just stood there, diego, and watched out father die”] i would too tbh. [”she shouldn’t get a vote” / “i was going to say i agree with you!” / “she gets a vote!”] me too diego. me too.

grace is Carrying This Show

[”sometimes i look at her and all i see is dad”] well that's some trauma. [they chat a bit more] i think once they move past the book problem, diego and vanya would be Iconic snarky bros.

ok that was a cool way to transition into a flashback. vanya's room is so small wtf. [klaus laughing at an on fire desk] does klaus have fire powers as well? or is he just That Way. grace is literally the best i love her.

[diego asks grace about if she ever wanted hurt hargreeves] okay i feel for diego a little bit now. also we stan murdering your abuser. diego. just. [idk what this was about but it’s par for the course]

grace is Carrying This Show

[hazel and cha cha get to the mansion] he's not there guys. oooh dramatic portrait [”that’s our kid”] hazel and cha cha adopt five from the apocalypse au [ghosts in the bath scene] klaus doesn't have powers he just has an auditory processing disorder. this is literally what everything sounds like all the time.

soundtrack time. this is gna b sick.

[luther and allison in the window] aw luther misses the moon. i love this little monologue thingy. why does everyone hate luther again? [they hear gunshots] hazel and cha cha rights for keeping that scene platonic. again with the freezeframes [cut to grace humming to herself] grace gets rights

[diego and luther arguing] can you lot be functional for long enough to make sure the bad guys are actually dealt with [vanya gets clattered] oh no.

SOUNDTRACK TIME.

[klaus wandering between rooms with headphones on] klaus is a Fat auditory processing disorder mood during this whole sequence. [”this bitch just made me angry”] allison is an icon and i'd die for her. [diego and cha cha face off with a pool cue and a table football bar] ooh how dramatic swishy swishy with your not-swords.

[luther smacks hazel to the ground] get him luther. [hazel flips him ass-over-tea-kettle] well damn ok hazel. go the fuck off.

[cha cha drops the chandelier] i feel like he had enough time to also get out of the way.

bro u could literally just shave if it bothered u that much.

[”oh, shit, mom”] oh yeah diego's about to kill their mother. [he cuts her arm open] oh ew. that's creepy as shit. grace is still carrying this entire show though.[”just picture the word in your mind”] i don't like this. at all.

[”hey, are you okay”] allison and vanya sisterly bonding moment. [”what is she even doing here”] oh my god diego can you not be a fucking dickhead for ten fucking seconds.

[shot of luther in the mirror] ok maybe he couldn't just shave.

[vanya shows up at leonard’s because she “dIDn’T knOw wHeRe elSe To gO”] VANYA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIKE THIS YOU HAVE A WHOLE ENTIRE FLAT WHAT THE F U C K.

[he stopped to get a jelly donut] hazel rights.

#q #tua #tua rewatch

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randomestfandoms-ocs · 4 years

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Tiffany Katz for the 10 facts ask please

Tiff worked as a waitress before becoming an army nurse

She’s bi but very much not out

She dyes her hair blonde almost as soon as she gets to the 21st century and stays blonde from then on

She’s the only one who knows that Dave is gay

She wanted to be a singer

Depending on how canon goes, I think she’ll eventually end up buying/reopening Griddy’s

She’s very good at just rolling with all the crazy that happens

She knows how to shoot a gun

Klaus is her best friend

She falls for Diego at the veteran’s bar

🌟 Drop one of my characters’ names in my inbox and I’ll tell you 10 facts about them 🌟

#ask #answered #anon #tiffany katz #about tiffany

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zontiky · 4 years

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Okay but au where they're not all related and five is a mysterious orphan Diego keeps running into at odd hours of the night and then him just being like "fuck it he's like 13 he can't be out alone at night" and then just takes him home like a godamn stray and five is THRIVING under the positive attention he never had I beg of you please feed my soul. Also sorry if this doesn't make sense I've had 2 hours of sleep and like 8 coffees today

i think i’ve read a fic similar to this but FUCK YEAH let’s do this (sorry im so late btw i havent been feeling bullet points lately fksjdfks) ALSO HEY OP PLEASE DON’T DIE I HOPE YOU’RE OK???

so diego is still a cop and he’s patrolling or doing whatever it is that cops do, and then he sees a kid sitting in an alley

obviously he pulls over like “hey kid you okay?” and the kid is like “shut up go away bootlicker” and diego is instantly “okay then come on im taking you to get food”

the kid doesn’t want to go but at the same time diego can tell he knows that there’s really no better options. this child looks hungry

so the kid and diego go to griddy’s and the kid says his name is five when asked

“that’s not a name”

“is too”

diego+fam have a long history of trauma and reginald called them by number which was their birth order or something? idk OH SHIT WAIT YOU SAID NOT ALL RELATED OK OK COOL SO

luther is a mechanic who diego knows because he’s the dude who’s often the one repairing his car, they’re on pretty good terms and go out for coffee sometimes because luther hates alcohol and diego’s body is a temple so he doesn’t drink

diego is diego he’s a cop but he’s highkey broke and i really don’t know how much cops get paid? hm

ok google says from 34.6k - 89.4k a year and numbers mean nothing to me so lets say he’s just a gremlin who lives in a boiler room because it’s efficient

OR he’s still dating eudora and lives with her

you know what that’s probably the better option i’m gonna go with that. they don’t have as much childhood trauma even though none of the “siblings” come from exactly good homes? but none of them were raised by reggie mcfuckface so it’s less like,,, bad even though they’re all fucked up

WAIT DO THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS

HELL YEAH THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS

ok ok so luther is a mechanic who uses his super strength and endurance to just fucking carry cars around his garage and i know NOTHING about mechanics as a profession but but but luther is good at what he does

diego is a cop who lives with eudora and throws knives like a boss. he also throws tennis balls really hard because stabbing people on duty isn’t advised

you know what? i’m gonna say allison ISNT a movie star, shes a smaller actress with minor roles here and there because she’s a mom and spends time with claire. she doesn’t use her rumor as much because honestly she doesn’t see a reason to? like sometimes she’ll go “i heard a rumor you gave me a free shot of coffee” and like,,, that’s it shfskd

her and patrick are still divorced but that’s because they did it the healthy way. they knew they were drifting apart but instead of rumoring him they broke it off mutually and they still meet up for coffee. they’re friends ok. claire loves her parents

klaus! klaus has problems but because im a soft bitch dave is here in 2019. he’s… also a mechanic…. they all know eachother but dave knows luther and diego pretty well. luther via work and diego via luther

yes klaus! so klaus has a history of drugs and addiction, because while he wasn’t shoved into a mausoleum ghosts screaming at you all the fucking time doesn’t help with staying sober

but because he has a support network he can fall back on he’s doing well, he’s a barista in a coffee shop that allison and patrick & diego and luther frequent

shoutout to klaus

five is an orphan he’s 13 and small and kind of a genius? fuck what if as a kid five accidentally time-traveled to 2019 and thaT’S HOW HE BECAME AN ORPHAN

galaxy brain

so five is this kid in the wrong time living on the streets not knowing how things work

i mean he does obviously because he catches on quick and he’s smart but really he doesn’t know how some shit works ok. he’s clueless when it comes to technology and pop culture and shit

ben!! ben is alive!! he’s a part time writer and a full time librarian!! he knows klaus because during his homeless days klaus stuck around the library because free bathrooms and also reading to take his mind off the ghosts. they become really close and ben gets klaus to move in with him and then he’s trying to get sober and then ben’s car crashes and that’s how they meet luther and dave OHHHH

additionally: klaus illustrates some of ben’s books because he knows how to draw yay

vanya! she’s first chair in the orchestra and she’s dating helen cho because i say so

so vanya kicks ass at violin, she’s being gay teaching lessons all that good shit what more is there to say

harold isn’t here because there was never an umbrella academy

hmmm back to the,,, actual plot,,, im sorry sksfhdjsk

SO DIEGO FINDS FIVE RIGHT

AND HE’S LIKE “oh no this child is awakening my paternal instincts oh no i have to take him home with me now”

eudora opening the door to see her husband boyfriend with an angry looking teenager at his side: dear god what did you do this time

eudora instantly bonds with five and i mean INSTANTLY like she lays eyes on him and goes “child?? small?? looks lonely?? must protect” and five looks at her like “badass looking lady she probably knows what shes doing might as well ask for info and stuff” but hes actually thinking “oh dang she looks like she knows what she’s doing RESPECT” and yeah ksdjhsdkf

then five expects them to be mean or just get tired of him and kick him out but?? they dont??? wack

diego is instantly like “kid where do you live”

‘um’

“you live somewhere right???”

‘UM’

they find out he’s legally dead and thats another can of worms entirely

so they register and foster five

diego and eudora are registered foster parents you cannot change my mind alright

then five is introduced to luther and dave, and also ben and klaus because theyre hanging around the shop bc it’s their off day

so five instantly has 4 more people giving him instant love and validation and he’s like “woah”

THEN ALLISON AND PATRICK

claire too,, claire immediately adopts five as her older brother

this entire time five is like “i can’t stay im gonna leave soon you all know this right” and eveybody is “yep ok sure” but they all know hes gonna stay

hhHHHH GAME NIGHTS

five beats everybody at scrabble

diego beats everybody at darts, even though everybody calls him out for cheating

vanya beats everybody at musical chairs. she levitates the chairs so nobody can sit down

luther beats everybody at outdoor games. do not play tag with this man you might not make it out alive

allison is the QUEEN of blurt!

ben is so good at charades it’s unfair

klaus honestly sucks at board games, but he always wins uno and nobody knows how (its the ghosts skfhsdkf)

five is so confused because its obvious all of them are cheating but??? nobody cares?? what

“it’s because it’s fun nobody is actually upset”

whaaaaaaat

so they have to explain to him that they dont play to win they play to have fun and its just a fun thing they do to spend time together and bond

five: mind blown

THEY TAKE HIM TO AN AQUARIUM

BEN JUST CHILLS WITH THE OCTOPI THE ENTIRE TIME

FIVE BONDS WITH CRABS

THEY ALL LOVE SEALS

five gets exposed to modern culture!! klaus and ben teach him memes is what i’m saying

five goes to school!!! he makes friends!!!! they have nice sleepovers and diego and eudora make them cookies :’)

i want to say. okay so.

reginald exists and he had made grace eariler as preparation for the children he was going to adopt, but he died before he could buy any babies

so grace exists! and!! she knows the “siblings”!!!

so five has a grandma because im not going to lie grace is basically all of their’s mom

she lives in the mansion but she can go outside and DO THINGS and she makes them COOKIES and she LOVES HER KIDS and GRANDKIDS and five ADORES her ok

basically five is happy with his pseudo family that’s it thank you for your time

wait no actually he figures out how to time travel safely and he does go back and forth

sometimes he pops in and he’s like “hey we ran out of milk” and then a second later he’s like “for the love of god wait until tomorrow to get milk dont ask why you dont wanna know” and its obvious that he came back from the future and HHHHHH YES

the commission can’t do shit because found family love is simply too strong

hazel and agnes are the nice couple who run griddys and birdwatch

five is fond of them too honestly like he just loves going to griddys because it has so many happy memories for him and its where he met diego (sorta) and also yay hazel and agnes!!

SO YEAH BASICALLY: FIVE IS HAPPY AND THIS AU IS GOD TIER THANK YOU

THIS IS A GOOD ONE I LIKE THIS AU THANK YOU

#asks #tinky-wink #tua #aus #hcs #rambles #stray au #team zero

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bitch4vanya · 5 years

Text

Indestructible (Klaus x Reader x Vanya)

Ep 4. Man on the moon

Word Count: 1.7k

You were painting your nails at Griddy’s one night. You had stolen the chair from Agnes’s office and your legs were perched up on the counter, blocking your view of the door. It was late, around three in the morning, when Klaus waltzed in. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?” You smile into your lap, swinging your legs around and looking up at him smiling softly at his slightly red eyes. He was coming down from his high, as were you, coincidentally.

“Let me close up, no one’s coming in this late, except you.” You added, standing up and removing your apron. Klaus admired your uniform. Head in hand watching you reach up to place the cloth on the rack. You had cut the attire the moment it was given to you, so the skirt only went mid thigh and you always unbuttoned the shirt a couple buttons, leaving not much to the imagination. And you had tossed the hat thing, it was a little much.

He bit his lip a little as you removed the top, grabbing a shirt from your bag. His fingers drumming impatiently on the counter, his mouth watering at the sight of your chest covered only in your pitch black bra.

“You wanna meet me at my car?” You say removing the skirt, which you had worn short shorts under. You didn’t even look up, feeling his eyes rake over his body, knowing full well that waiting for you outside was the last thing he wanted to do. He sighed and strolled out the door, taking one more glimpse at you finally buttoning up your flannel.

You two got high sitting on the trunk of your beaten up KIA. Silently admiring each other in the moonlight.

You had spent that entire day searching for Klaus. You checked every place in the house that you could think of, Griddy’s, any of his usual spots. He was nowhere. You wouldn’t have been too worried if it hadn't been for the attack from only a couple hours before.

You passed an old park you two used to sneak off to when you were kids and relaxed on the old and rusting swing for a moment, collecting your thoughts. The only possible place he could be was with those psychopaths that destroyed the academy. God he must be feeling awful. He already felt useless to the rest of the group. He probably thought no one was looking for him.

You put your head in your hands and flipped open your phone to call Agnes. You felt sick and didn’t feel like going in. A hit. That’s what you needed. So you stood, making your way back to your apartment, worried sick and starting to sweat from the lack of poison in your body.

You arrived to a trashed place. “Jennifer what the hell happened!?” You asked, getting frightened.

“Where did you put them?” You found her on her hands and knees searching in a cabinet and looking under the couch.

“Put what?” You asked backing towards the door.

“The damn drugs!” She yelped hitting her head on the tabletop as she stood quickly.

“Jen I-” You froze when she raised a gun in your direction, your blood running cold

“Give them to me!”

“Jen put the gun down-”

“Don't call me Jen!”

“Okay, please, please give me the gun.”

“Give me the drugs then I’ll give it to you” Her eyes were bloodshot and her hair drenched and greasy with sweat.

“Okay, alright give me a second.” Not thinking correctly you walked into your bedroom and took out a stash from under your mattress. A headache was growing and your mouth watered at the sight. You held out your hand for the gun and she snatched the drugs, screaming at you to leave and throwing the weapon at you. You did so.

You slept in your car that night, dripping wet and freezing cold.

You took an early shift that morning to make up for the night before. You heard Agnes innocently chatting with a couple very hungover “detectives”. You didn’t pay them much mind until you heard the simple line: “Come on, let’s get back to what’s his name.” You look over and watch them leave. That’s where you recolonized the suit. You throw your apron off and race after them apologizing to Agnes before you left. She sighed shaking her head and smiling. She was smitten. Hardly disturbed by your sudden absence.

You hopped in your car and trailed behind them as sneakily as possible.

They passed a building that had caught fire the night before and you followed. The police had done a decent job of cleaning up but as soon as they passed a corner, one of your tires passed over a nail or glass or god knows what.

“No no no no no God dammit!” You yelped banging the steering wheel. You breath heaved and your mind instantly turned to drugs. Pot, coke, aspirin. Anything, you just needed something. You opened the glove box to nothing, you checked under the seats and the trunk, climbing over the seats to look in the back. You sobbed as your head throbbed. The anxiety and worry in your gut screeched at you sweat raining down your face. You brushed it of and tried to swipe away the stream off tears. Your body ached and your mind couldn’t help but go to Klaus he had to be going through the same thing. Worse because of the ghosts.

You groaned lifting yourself from the backseat. Stepping outside, in desperate need of fresh air. That’s when you noticed the van. ’Your brother says hi.” You stumbled over to it, looking at the windshield. There was a note from a motel couple miles away. You saw a tow truck pull up.

“Y-You need a ride miss?”

By the time you had arrive at the motel it was late. You stagger out of the truck thanking the man and giving him a wave. You noticed Patch, a familiar person to you. You smiled and waved giddily at her. “The things people will do for a hand job.” You shrug, smirking.

“Hi, (Y/N)” She sighed, giving you a soft smile.

“Are you looking for Klaus too, you look pretty strong we should go together.” You say quickly, latching onto her arm and dragging her towards the rooms.

“I could arrest you for public intoxication y’know.”

“Oh no, I’m not high, it’s a long story.” You mumble as you climb the stairs. Looking around the corner hesitantly, you felt like you were close. Passing one of the doors you heard a muffled yelp. You paused. Patch tried to move ahead but when you grasped her hand she, too, paused. A continuous thumping was heard inside the room. You reached for a nearby rock when Patch held up a room key she got from the maid who was running away. “Yeah, that’s a better idea.” You whispered.

The moment she opened the door, you pushed your way in and collapsed in front of Klaus. He was tied up and bloody. You hugged him close, apologizing nonstop, snatching Patch’s knife to free him. Not bothering to remove the duct tape right away, he held you back, so, so happy to feel your skin against his again.

“Are you Diego's brother.” He nodded looking up at her gratefully. “I’m detective Patch.” She smiled. You finally stood and removed the duct tape from his mouth, apologizing again, he shook his head and held you close, wearing only a towel from the night before. Your cheeks flushed and you held him back, squeezing his bony shoulders.

He didn’t realize how much he had missed you, so caught up in his addiction and the haunting images that surrounded him. The scent of your hair, your cloudy, sad eyes, your lips and body. Everything made him weak and relief flooded over him as you squeezed him close, a hand running through his short curls, a shudder ran through him at your touch, being extra sensitive from his loss of drugs.

Of course you had looked for him, how could he have doubted that?

From the corner of your eye you see a door open and your first instinct is to push him off of you into safety behind the bed. He looked up in shock. You took step near him in a protective manner. He made his move then to open the vent that was next to him.

Patch caught the movement to and pulled out her hand gun. “Police! Drop your gun or your going down!” The hand dropped the gun and out stepped the man from Griddy’s that morning. And the suit from the night before.

“Coming out, don’t shoot.” That voice. It was him.

“Hands behind your head asshole.” Patch ordered.

“Hazel?” You ask remembering his name. His eyes widened, as did Klaus’s when you were again shot in the head by the same woman from the night before. You were thrown forwards onto the bed before sliding off. Your unconscious body falling in front of Klaus. He looked from you and the vent and the suitcase. He tried tugging your hand over to the vent, but your were too heavy, he scrambled inside before another shot rang out.

You woke up to Diego cradling Patch’s cold body in his arms. You shot up looking over at the vent. “Shit.” You mutter. “Shit shit shit.” You repeat over and over hysterically as you look under the beds and the bathroom, tears falling. “Shit!” You choke out smashing your fist against the tiled wall of the shower. He was gone again. It was your job to find him, rescue him and comfort him and he was gone.

Hearing sirens arrive, Diego stood and looked at a doughnut bag for a moment before turning to you. You were leaning against the dresser, hunched over and covering your gushing eyes, whimpering and hiccuping out sobs.

“C’mon (Y/N) we gotta go.” He rasped wrapping an arm around your shoulder and helping you out of the room that reeked of death.

#klaus hargreeves #klaus x reader #klaus hargreeves x reader #umbrella academy klaus #tua klaus #umbrella academy vanya #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #patch #Diego hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #vanya hargreeves x reader #klaus x reader x vanya #tua vanya #x reader

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