#the first 3 are all in mind hell btw. they need therapy

[yazumo]

shitass kids!!!

these are, in order, isaac, eagle flies, jack, tillys daughter and jacks sister

#tillys daughter and jacks sister would be the worst 7 year olds in the world #the first 3 are all in mind hell btw. they need therapy #rdr2 #jack marston #eagle flies #isaac morgan #tilly's daughter #ann marston #if u didnt see my past marston daughter posts i named my version of her ann #marston daughter #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption #art #myart

[sniper-spider]

Do you Even Love me Anymore? ~Bucky Barnes x Male Reader

a/n: basically Bucky’s been pushing you away and you dont understand it and you blame yourself. also btw this is tfatws Bucky and Dr. Raynor is Bucky’s therapist in case yall didnt know that. also the reader was with Bucky in the ‘40’s and was frozen over time like Steve.

tw: reader has never had anyone he trusted or who loved him, bad parents (not mentioned as abusive but you could imagine them that way)

Bucky was everything to you. He had been ever since you became close in elementary school. You never had anyone other than him. Your parents never cared about you and neither did anyone else. You thought it wasn’t possible for you to be loved until Bucky.

But recently Bucky had been pushing you away. He’d been different after everything that happened with HYDRA and you still loved him, but he’d been progressively pushing you away more and more. You didn’t even seem like you were dating anymore. Hell, you didn’t even seem like friends anymore. You didn’t wanna bother him, so you never tried to talk to him. You’d even stopped calling him the nickname you’d given him and reverted to calling him James since it just didn’t feel right anymore.

One day, Bucky told you that Dr. Raynor wanted you to come in with him to his therapy session. You agreed, and now you sat on a grey couch, Bucky on one side, you on the other. You looked like 2nd graders who got in a fight and had to talk to the principal at the same time.

“All right,” Dr. Raynor said, getting a notepad. “You’re (Y/n), then.”

You nodded, muttering a simple, “yeah”.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Dr. Raynor said, which inspired confusion in you, which showed on your face. “What, you thought your own boyfriend wasn’t gonna talk about you?”

You waited a moment to find the right words.

“I guess not,” you sad, in a voice dry of emotion. “It’s not like our relationship has been going well.”

“And that’s exactly why you’re here,” Dr. Raynor said. “I have some questions for both of you to answer one-on-one and then an exercise I’d like you to do.”

You and Bucky muttered out a small, “kay”.

First, Bucky answered questions from Dr. Raynor privately, and then it was your turn.

“All right,” Dr. Raynor told you once Bucky was out of the room. “First, you should know that I won’t tell James your answers to these questions.”

You nodded.

“Okay, so…” Dr. Raynor said, flipping a page in her notepad and looking at a piece of paper. “On a scale from one to ten, one being awful, and ten being perfect, how would you describe your relationship with James?”

You thought for a moment. Thought about how much he acted like he didn’t even like you. How he ignored you sometimes and even avoided you. You hated the answer to her question, but you thought it best to tell her the truth. Sadness brewed in you as you prepared to tell her.

“3.”

“All right,” Dr. Raynor said, scribbling it down on her pad quickly. “So, next; what does James do that could lead to your relationship being rated a 3 in your mind?”

You didn’t need to think too hard for this one.

“Well,” you started. “He doesn’t really try to be around me. He doesn’t talk to me unless I talk to him. Even then, he doesn’t always talk back. He avoids me sometimes and I don’t think he trusts me anymore.”

You paused and Dr. Raynor’s pen danced along the paper.

“I guess, you know, in the ‘40’s, things were so good with us. We were probably at a 9 or 10. And, yeah, I know we’ve both changed, especially James and he’s been through a lot. I don’t expect things to be the same. I just… I just wish it could be better. I love him and I feel like I’m losing him. He’s all I have.”

Dr. Raynor recorded your main points on her pad while nodding.

“Okay,” Dr. Raynor said. “Now, what are some things you do that could cause it to be a 3?”

You thought for a moment. It took a few moments to conjure an answer.

“Well, when this first really started, I would try to do things about it. I would try extra hard to communicate with James. I would really try to make things better, but it didn’t work. Eventually I gave up…”

Dr. Raynor nodded, scribbling on her notepad.

“I guess, not trying to help is contributing.”

Dr. Raynor finished up her notes.

“All right,” she said. “From what I’ve heard, I think you would benefit from talking to James about this. I have a great exercise for this that I’ll have you do.”

You nodded, growing anxious for what would happen in the conversation. Would Bucky tell you he didn’t love you anymore? You didn’t know if you could handle hearing that.

Before you knew it, Bucky was sitting on the opposite end of the grey couch. Dr. Raynor arranged 2 chairs across from each other in front of you and told you each to sit in one. One of your legs was in between Bucky’s and the other was on the side of his right leg.

“Is this really necessary?” Bucky asked, sounding annoyed.

“Yes,” Dr. Raynor confirmed. “Now, this is called the soul-gazing exercise. Look into each other’s eyes.”

You both obeyed. You got even more anxious.

“All right. Good,” Dr. Raynor said. “(Y/n), explain to James what you told me.”

You gulped.

“Uhm…”

You were so nervous of talking to your own boyfriend. It likely was due to how many times he simply dismissed your words. You swallowed your fear and spoke.

“I… Look, I know things have changed a lot since the ‘40’s and I know things will never be the way they were then,” you explained. “But, you just keep pushing me away. It’s constant. In the ‘40’s, we were closer than anyone I ever knew were, but now, you won’t even talk to me. I know you’re different, and so am I but I love you anyway and I miss you. So much.”

You paused for a moment.

“James… do you… do you even love me anymore?”

Bucky’s mouth open for a moment, your words leaving him speechless. After a few moments, he pressed his lips together and swallowed, looking down.

“Eyes,” Dr. Raynor reminded.

Bucky complied, looking back into your eyes, pain evident in his.

“That’s what you think?” Bucky asked in a hurt tone. “You… you think I don’t love you anymore?”

“It’s not like you make it clear if you do still love me,” you spoke dryly.

“(Y/n)…” Bucky started.

He didn’t know what to say. He kicked himself for making you think that he didn’t love you. For hurting you. Something he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do to you.

“I… Of course I still love you, (Y/n),” Bucky spoke sadly. “I-Im sorry.”

You waited for Bucky to explain.

“Look… uhm… I just… After what happened… I just don’t know how to interact with someone who doesn’t take joy in my pain. I’m not used to trusting people anymore. Or having anyone who cares about me. Now, I have… issues and I-I guess I’m… scared of you seeing that. And I… I guess I feel like…”

Bucky trailed off, pausing for a moment.

“I feel like I don’t deserve you. Especially with all that I’ve done now…”

“Bucky,” you said for the first time in a while, getting up and standing in front of Bucky, your hand touching his cheek. “What happened isn’t your fault. It wasn’t you. You didn’t do it. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, Bucky.”

“I hurt you…” Bucky said, his voice submerged in pain. “I made you think that I didn’t love you. How can I be the best person you’ve ever met if I did that to you?”

“You had good reasons to do that, okay?” You told him. “You weren’t trying to hurt me and I was just being paranoid.”

“I’m not good enough for you, (Y/n),” Bucky spoke dryly.

“That’s not true,” you told him. “You’re perfect in every way, Bucky. I know you’ve changed. I know you think you did those things, but you didn’t. You’re not less of a person than I am.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said sadly.

“Hey,” you said. “It’s okay. Just… don’t worry about me knowing about your issues, okay? I’m completely okay with all of it. I love you no matter what. I mean it.”

You brought your arms around Bucky, who was still in his chair, and pulled his head into your chest. Bucky hesitantly returned the embrace, his arms wrapping around your waist.

“I won’t do it anymore,” Bucky assured you. “I’ll try to talk to you about it…”

“That’s good, Bucky,” you said, pulling away and looking him in the eyes. “I love you more than anything.”

“I love you, too.”

Bucky stood and leaned in, allowing you to share your first kiss in months.

el end.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x male!reader #bucky x male reader #bucky x male!reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction

[camileeon]

Hihi! I'm quite new to tumblr and i dont know if your asks are open or not lol ( idk how to check) but can i have a romantic matchup? I'm a minor :]] (age range: 13 - 16) »»-------------♚-------------«« ➸ I'm a male (trans FtM) and i use He/They pronouns. I'm asian i have short black fluffy hair with brown eyes. I'm demiromantic + panromantic soo i dont care about genders but i need a strong emotional bond for me to have crushes lol. I'm short as hell 5'. I also have a small blonde streak in my hair, its not dyed it just appeared one day when i wake up. People call be goldie bc of that lol. ➸ My friends say that i'm a funny, caring but sometimes annoying person (probably because i keep saying deez nuts and your mom jokes lol i cant stop) . I'm that one therapy friend that bombard my friends with jokes if they're upset, But if its something serious I stay with them all night and watch movies while crying w them . I dont really find myself funny but i guess i do crack some jokes lol. I also have a potty mouth and i cant stop cursing I'm literally stopping myself from swearing rn lol. I also keep my friends from breaking rules and going too far on pranks because they cant stop doing it :,( ➸ My hobbies are cooking, stargazing and drawing. I wouldnt say im a proffesional drawer but i do draw from time to time. I ADORE cooking and im that one person in the family who bakes dessert and forced them to taste it for me. I'm very into astronomy stuff :]] stars my beloved. ➸ my type is someone funny, chaotic (like me??) and genuinely nice to hang out with. I'd rather form a friendship with them first before actually dating them because demiromantic ✨. I have gender dysphoria from time to time so i need someone to comfort me or cry with me because they can relate lolol. My love language is physical touch (not the weird kind ew) + qulaity time and i really like hugs and cuddles <33 I dont mind kisses though they cool too, I get flustered very easily and if my matchup is fliirty i guess ill melt under their words :,)). I like my hair getting ruffled too so yeah. Also when Im too flustered to speak anything ill just start passing cutes notes like 'ily' or 'you look good today my love <33'. ➸ I play the piano + violin. My favourite piece is Merry-go-round of life and im learning to play it right now. I also enjoy reading books at evening and sipping my cup of milk tea while doing so. I'd love company when im doing those stuff and i'll get flustered if they compliment me (i just get flustered by compliments :,]]) ➸Thats all! I'll be very happy if i do my matchup but it's okay if you dont too ! please tag me if you do it. Don't rush yourself btw! Love you/p -Azriel

YOUR MATCHUP IS..

CAMILO MADRIGAL

° Both of you seemed to have hit it off because of eachother's polar opposites, and that's something i find really beautiful with couples have that. ( the way you don't have to always be in common with one another.)

° you both may have different likings but they compliment eachother in a way, he'd be into more dancing and you'd play the instrument. stuff like that <3

° besides having to have differences, he seriously makes the effort spend time with you and do stuff you're well versed. Helping you out cook, watching how you draw and tries to learn himself just for you, or just simply listen to you play a piece on your instruments.

° He's also the person to need a good and strong bond if you decide your feelings for eachother change in that way, he'll be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, insists that you talk to him when he knows that something's wrong, talk with you as much as he can even though he's not good at the wordy advices and just be with you in general.

° What you do together doesn't matter because he's happy with just being with you, though when it comes to physical affection, he's the very clingy "don't leave me pls" type but in a good way-

° Surprise hugs, forehead kisses are his favourite to give. Also very long cuddle sessions when you have the time <3

° While you read, he creates chaos when he can. All you could do is sigh-

° giving very chaos and calm trope <33

(a/n) AAAA ily too!! im really sorry i haven't gotten to this sooner! Hope you liked this! 🍊

@azrielxx

#disney encanto #camilo x reader #camilo madrigal #encanto headcanons #encanto x reader #camilo madrigal x reader #encanto matchups #camilo encanto x reader

[vermillionsstuff]

Sup everyone, I'm writing this as an honest look at the world from the perspective of someone with ASPD (among other things; comorbid BPD + NPD traits). I'm hoping to help people understand ASPD through how my experience made me who I am. I'm already well aware that my behavior in the past was unacceptable and am currently starting the recovery process btw, hopefully you find this educational as it was intended.

MANY TRIGGER WARNINGS AHEAD

So right from the jump my life wasn't off to a good start, I was born into less than fortunate circumstances and only had a single alcoholic parent to take care of me along with my grandparents. We didn't have any money ourselves and often fell back on their financial support, which wasn't a big deal at first. Despite their demons, my parent had decent skills in civil engineering and landed a good job. Most if not all of the money they earned went straight into alcohol and only further fueled their dependence. It started to cause issues between my grandparents and my parent so much that they kicked us out and I spent 3 years living alone with my parent.

These years are when all of the significant damage was done, most of it is very blurry but I still recall that I was beaten and disowned. I was 7 at the time and my grades began going down rapidly, it caused a lot of concern from my teacher who also started to report my behavioral issues at school. I'm not proud of any of this... but, yes, I bullied people and would act VERY shitty to anyone nice enough to be my friends.

I began to get ostracized as we all grew up due to my bad behavior and I internalized this anger, I felt like I couldn't fit in anywhere. I always ended up making people upset without understanding why they felt this way and eventually I started to feel even more alienated from my peers into high school where it all reached its boiling point.

High school was a mixed bag in terms of how fondly I remember it. On one hand, I met a lot of like minded people who didn't care about society's norms and finally had a chance to socialize and form some kind of relationship with someone. On the other hand, the school was onto me and I still had no comprehension that anything was even wrong with me. It felt extremely overbearing as I was forced to attend weekly meetings regarding my grades and behavior, this constant pressure created a rift between my parent and I as many of these meetings ended in me arguing and fighting with them.

Eventually my school determined I was just too much to handle as I wasn't improving whatsoever and sent me to an alternative learning environment. By this point I didn't care much for schoolwork and only got into a few fights out of self defense. I still wouldn't have considered myself violent and it stayed that way until I went to my new school, because now I was just surrounded by other little shits who made my behavior even worse. I was introduced to self medicating by the people at that school and my friends would drag me into fights constantly. It was hell and I hated everybody, there wasn't a single moment where I felt at peace. I felt like I had less than nothing and was forced to fend for myself in any way I could to get what I felt I needed (money, substances, favors, reputation, etc).

After graduating and entering the real world I struggled with unemployment and snagged a few jobs that I quickly lost and watched all the friendships I made in high school deteriorate before reaching what I consider to be the lowest point of my life.

Now we're at present day. Just a few months ago I finally caved in, I couldn't stand not understanding why I just couldn't fit in or seemingly have a single moment of peace no matter what I did and seeked out help through online therapy. After looking through my history and understanding my behavior they concluded that I met the diagnostic criteria for ASPD and now do a lot of reflecting. I was always told that people like me didn't feel ANY emotion whatsoever and were almost like machines put on this planet purely to manipulate and kill, this obviously isn't true lol. I feel emotion and even empathy on a cognitive level, meaning that if you came to me with horrible news of a relative's death I wouldn't necessarily feel sad about it, but I can understand how that would effect someone and I would support them in any way I know how. I'm not upset and I don't hold nearly as much resentment as I used to for my past.

So yeah.

This is my story. I tried to stay informative while sparing the unneeded details, if you have any questions be sure to ask me and I'll answer if I see fit. Take care.

- Vermillion

#antisocial personality disorder #aspd #cluster b #mental instability #personality disorder #trauma

[gtgrandom]

Cheating as Romantic “Conflict”

Look, I know that cheating tropes are nothing new when it comes to romance.  It’s always used as an obstacle in a love story, particularly in YA movies and television. For some reason, writers think it’s romantic when the love interest cheats on their significant other with the protagonist. Perhaps it’s because the love interest chose the MC.  He/She chose love.  And nothing can come between them...

Bullshit.

As a kid, I didn’t mind cheating in romance stories.  It added drama and tension and angst, and suddenly we had a forbidden lovers trope!  Hell, I once shipped Peyton and Lucas because “they were meant to be,” and Brooke was getting in the way of my ship.  I mean, Brooke was basically an antagonist in the first few seasons anyway, right? So who cares if Lucas betrayed her trust, right?  She was mean!  And it was excusable if Peyton and Lucas were in love, right???  It’s just fiction, right???

No....

Not right.

I used to feel that way, back before I understood the gravity of cheating and what that betrayal does to people.  Back before I studied how media influences our choices and our perceptions of morality.  I’ve been lucky enough to avoid the  trauma that comes with being cheated on by someone I trust and love.  However, my mother, several of my coworkers, and my closest friends have all been cheated on, and my best friend hasn’t dated since her first boyfriend broke her heart.  

None of them were the same after that.  None of them trusted again, not completely.  Several of them had to go to therapy (and have since healed in significant ways, btw. Don’t underestimate the power of therapy <3).

Cheating literally ruins people’s lives. It’s horrible, it’s selfish, and it’s cowardly. And, save for extreme cases like an abusive relationship, it....doesn’t need to happen??  If you reach the point where you’re seeking a romantic or sexual experience with someone else, you either need to let your partner know that your relationship requires some work (or flexibility), or you need to do the right thing and let your partner go.  If they’re a kind person, you’ll save them from the worst kind of heartbreak, and you might even maintain a healthy friendship with them.  If they’re shitty people, you’ll send them off to be with someone as equally as shitty without breeding more insecure, cynical humans.

What you don’t do is get engaged and then run to your ex-lover to bone:

You don’t forget your girlfriend and f*** the neighbor across the street because she caught your attention:

You don’t kiss your dance partner just because you suspect your boyfriend is lying to you:

You don’t get to sleep with someone else just because you had a fight with your boyfriend:

You REALLY don’t sleep with someone else when your boyfriend comes to visit you at your college dorm:

You don’t do....whatever this love affair was:

You sign a contract of exclusivity when you enter a relationship, whether you realize it or not, and it’s important for both partners to agree on what that contract says.  Couples (monogamous and poly) need to define boundaries, especially when it comes to things like cheating and what qualifies as unfaithful behavior.  But once those expectations are made clear, there are NO excuses.  

And it’s about time that writers (and audiences) acknowledge this and stop romanticizing infidelity.  I don’t give a crap if you’re a wine mom who is able to live out her fantasy of cheating on her husband via television dramas.  Audiences, and teen audiences in particular, are literally drowning in cheating plotlines, and it’s gross.

Now, I’m not saying we can’t have flawed protagonists. And I’m not saying they can NEVER make mistakes. I love a complex character. But cheating is not some classic “whoopsiedaisie” that we see and disregard a moment later.  It deserves attention -- the negative kind.

MC’s don’t get to screw other people over just to live their happily ever after. Choices have consequences, and I want to see that reflected in television. If a character is going to cheat - and god forbid, actually be rewarded for it - then I want to see the aftermath of their decisions.  The pain. 

Most of all, I want to see creators thinking of an original plotline / obstacle for once, rather than (incessantly) resorting to love affair. Be authentic! Choose from a million different conflicts in the world, please.  At the very least, cut out cheating from a romantic story’s climax.  It’s really not that hard to insert a, “We broke up/it’s over between us,” line before the MCs kiss.  It’s that easy to avoid sending the wrong message. 

So, Netflix writers and Wattpad Stars and romance authors, please stop portraying cheating as an inevitable, forgivable action.  Stop normalizing this behavior. Especially to teens.

Cheating isn’t glamorous.  It’s cruel.

#cheating in media #bad writing #cheating trope #the kissing booth #one tree hill #riverdale #after #the notebook #Ginny and Georgia

[bigsteeb]

this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time. 

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that. 

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck. 

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

#thanks for coming to my ted talk lmao sdngsjfhg #this episode fucked me up in more ways than one #i dont even think ill simmer down about it before next weeks episodes either #it was… a lot... to listen & deal with #i care deeply about steven as a character #& see it being canon that he has trauma & ptsd… possible c-ptsd #it fucking breaks my heart #god dammit it crewniverse #i hope you handle this with extreme care #i trust you but still… jesus christ #steven universe #steven universe future #su spoilers #su future spoilers

[patrick-hockstutter]

Modern!Bowers Gang:

Patrick:

Really into cinematography and photography of the unsettling

Never captions his Instagram posts

Goes live on Instagram a lot, even though people really wished he wouldn’t

Makes art out of dead animals or animal bones he finds

Think Banksy, but with roadkill

He’ll take some (somehow) tasteful photos of them, post them, then leave the scene there for some unexpecting bystander to find

Has a nosering (fight me)

Never uses incognito mode

If someone happens to stumble upon his search history, he’s not paying their therapy bill

He likes reading smut more than he likes watching porn

A ps4 guy

Loves spooky games like Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Until Dawn and Death Stranding

He’s not really into school, but he surprisingly reads a lot when he’s alone in his room

Only about things he likes though

Abnormal psych, criminal psych, and sometimes some zoology (u kno y)

Watches serial killer documentaries like he’s paid to

Listens to grunge, nu metal, and 80s alt

Won’t admit it, but sometimes listens to Joji

He’s not super into emo music, but he’s the only one who will listen to it with Victor (he fckn vibes to Brand New)

Ironically uses a Zune

Has an Android but lowkey wishes he had an iPhone

Doesn’t have a computer, just jailbreaks/hacks the school issued laptop

Has a black line tattooed around some of his fingers, one of his wrists, and the shell of his ear

Has a foot tattoo

Has a fucking Juul

Watches LeafyIsHere on YouTube (tell me I’m wrong)

Spends too much time on Reddit

Wears flannels, skinny jeans, and Vans (a beanie if he’s cold)

Mostly cycles through the same three or four outfits

Wears the same pair of Vans every single day

Victor:

Big into aromatherapy

He uses lavender soaps and has an essential oil diffuser in his room

Uses incognito mode to watch Vampire Diaries

A Nintendo ass b i t c h

He has the gray Switch Lite

He brings his Switch with him everywhere (yes he’s that guy)

But what else are you gonna do when you wanna ignore Patrick?

Watches conspiracy theories about ghosts, cryptids, and aliens

Also big into podcasts (mostly true crime and conspiracy ones)

He listens to them on his headphones while he takes walks or draws

Posts his drawings on Tumblr

Does art streams on Twitch when he gets really bored

Has an eyebrow piercing (but it’s a small stud one, not a ring)

Has little tattoos on his hands

Wears bomber jackets, skinny jeans, joggers, army jackets, converse, and combat boots

The boy has style okay

Had an emo phase but still listens to the music (especially Tiny Moving Parts)

The emo phase was pretty short because Henry made fun of him so much

He just fucking liked MCR and Taking Back Sunday a lot, okay?

And Pierce The Veil and Sleeping With Sirens, but he doesn’t readily admit that

Now mostly listens to new wave, synth pop, and lofi hiphop

His favorite bands are Drab Majesty and Choir Boy (look up their new album btw)

Has a black iPhone and a space gray MacBook Pro

Uses Apple Music

Vapes, but only fruity flavors

Watches BoJack Horseman

Doesn’t really eat fast food but never passes up an M&M McFlurry

Paints his (and Patrick’s) nails black

One time Patrick caught him doing a facemask, so Patrick put one on and started chasing him around screaming as a joke

Cue: hmm… this feels kinda good tho

So now Victor and Patrick have secret mini spa days

Drives a Subaru

Belch:

Makes Spotify playlists like he’s paid to

He’s just really good at putting songs together

He tried to get into music theory, but he wasn’t one for actually making his own songs

Really into metal (obvi) but also likes some classic rock and punk stuff

Has records hung up side by side all around his room where the wall meets the ceiling

Still buys CDs

His Instagram feed is full of vintage cars and custom import cars

Fast and Furious is his favorite movie series

His favorite shows are Sons of Anarchy and The Walking Dead

But he also loves early 2000s comedies

Has a mini projector to watch movies on his room wall

Wears band tees, flannels, jean jackets, Carhartt stuff, d a d  h a t s

Really wants a tattoo but always gets nervous

Uses incognito mode to watch porn and buy some of his band tees from Hot Topic

Only one in the gang that uses Facebook (Mama Huggins made him so he could keep in contact with family)

Follows a few meme pages but also some cooking ones so he can send his mom any cool recipes he finds

Victor lowkey makes fun of him for actually using the Facebook page

Invests money in really good headphones and car speakers

Has a black iPhone

It’s always at 20% battery cause it’s always connected to his headphones, Bluetooth speaker, or car stereo

Him and Victor FaceTime when they’re bored

Sometimes they won’t even say much, they just like the over the phone company

Doesn’t smoke, but sometimes hits Vic’s vape

A social vaper if you will

Watches Idubbbz and Filthy Frank on YouTube

His favorite fast food place is Wendy’s

Not really into video games but fucking slays at Guitar Hero

And when Rock Band came out nobody saw him for like two weeks

Has a black Hydroflask with band stickers on it

Henry:

He plays a lot of Xbox

Mostly Halo, COD, Destiny, any first-person shooter really

Baits people on Xbox Live cause he thinks it’s hilarious

He’s also a fucking cyberbully but we all expected that

Has Victor’s old iPhone

Never fucking charges it

He’ll text you back in 3-5 business days (if at all)

And if you try to call him he’ll block your number

Plays iMessage games like cup pong and 8 ball with Belch

The only social media he uses is Snapchat and Tinder to look at girls

In one of his Tinder photos he’s holding a fish (srrynotsrry)

Doesn’t really listen to too much music

He doesn’t dislike music, just usually prefers to do things in silence

His mind is chaotic enough, he doesn’t need background noise

But he will listen to Cigarettes After Sex and TV Girl on a really low volume when he goes to sleep

Uses incognito mode to pick and choose random soft or angsty songs that he likes to put into a bedtime playlist

Otherwise just listens to whatever Belch listens to

Has a tattoo on his wrist

Takes a lot of drives into the countryside/national forests/mountains with Belch

Takes a lot of scenery photos, but never posts them anywhere or shows anyone except Victor

Still smokes cigarettes (he thinks vaping is douchey)

Watches South Park and American Dad

If he’s willing to spend money to go see a movie, he’s going to an IMAX theater

Sometimes he likes 3D, but most of the time it just hurts his eyes after a while

Longboards everywhere

Needs prescription glasses but refuses to wear them

They’re mostly for reading, which he doesn’t do anyway

But he does listen to audiobooks sometimes

Likes Frappuccinos but will kill you before you find out

He orders them through Uber Eats under a fake name so nobody will find out

BONUS: all four!

Victor still has his childhood GameCube that they play Mario Party, Mario Kart, and Melee on

Henry is banned from playing Mario Party after breaking a controller while beating Patrick with it

Patrick only ever picks Waluigi in Mario Kart and everyone is sick of it

When they play Rock Band Patrick is on bass, Henry plays guitar, Belch absolutely slays the drums, and Vicky boy sings his lil heart out

One night a week they order a shit ton of Dominos and make a drinking game out of watching Vine compilations

Victor does everyone’s birth charts

They collectively made a fake Tinder account on Patrick’s phone and catfish guys with it

They all try to one up each other doing vape tricks yikes

They buy bags of chips and candy from Costco and lounge around eating them on weekends

They’re banned from the city metro busses because Belch’s car was in the shop for a week and that week was hell for every bus driver in the city

#it #it 2017 #it movie 2017 #it 2017 headcanons #it headcanons #bowers gang #bowers gang headcanons #modern!bowersgang #modern!bowers gang headcanons #bowers gang blog #patrick hockstetter #patrick hockstetter headcanons #modern!patrick hockstetter #belch huggins #belch huggins headcanons #modern!belch huggins #victor criss #victor criss headcanons #modern!victor criss #henry bowers #henry bowers headcanons #modern!henry bowers

[the-awkward-outlaw]

Hey I know it's like 3:30 in the morning and not TECHNICALLY Memorial Day anymore, but I was wondering if you could do a request thats kinda angsty if you're okay with that. Maybe kinda fluffy Arthur who's comforting a reader who cant afford their therapist anymore? Only if you're ok with it.

Hello, Anon! Thank you for sending this! BTW, if you’re going through this situation, I hope you find a solution for it quickly and with ease. I couldn’t imagine losing my therapist! 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

Tears leak down your face as you put down your phone. The voice of the insurance agent rings in your ears still. Words like “discontinued coverage” and “maximum usage” echo in your mind. What are you supposed to do? 

Desperate for help, you call your therapist’s office. They’ll certainly be willing to help you, won’t they? After all, their slogan drawls on about mental health and how anyone can be helped. Just because your insurance is being ridiculous doesn’t mean you still can’t get the help you need. 

A voice answers and you explain to the receptionist of your therapist’s office your predicament, that your insurance will no longer cover your sessions. After asking for details about billing in the future, she hits you with another brick. The payments they’ll be demanding for sessions without insurance is far more than you can afford, and they’ll be asking for it on a bimonthly basis. 

“But I cannot afford that!” you say to her. “Please, when I first started with my doctor, I signed a paper stating that arrangements would be made should my coverage or insurance change! Why is that not being honored?” 

She gives you some spiel about how the quote she gave you a moment ago is a deduction of the normal amount they bill patients. 

“If you still cannot afford the amount I told you, we can give you recommendations of elsewhere to go that may be more affordable.” 

“But I don’t want a new therapist! Mine is working out just fine! I doubt that other doctors will be just as helpful. Please there must be something that can be done!” 

“I’m sorry, miss, but there’s not much I can do. Listen, let me speak with Doctor Sculzman and I will see what we may be able to do. You will be contacted once your situation is explained and a plan of action can be taken.” 

She hangs up the phone before you can say anything else. Dread courses through you and you sink down onto the couch, your hands over your face. What will you do now? It took you long enough to first of all determine that you needed a therapist and then to find your current one. You went through three to find her and she’s the first to help you with your problems, how to cope with them, and how to change them. Despite the length of time you’ve spent with her, you feel that you still have miles to go and you need her help to get through them. You don’t want to sink back down, not when you’ve crawled out of this hole as far as you have. 

Your boyfriend Arthur peaks around the corner. You hadn’t even heard him come in. His hair’s soaked and his button, though tucked in, is halfway unbuttoned. He looks like he’s just finished taking a shower. 

“Everything okay, sweetheart?” he asks. 

Your lips trembles, but you nod. However, you feel a little hurt that he didn’t check on you before showering. You tell him this. 

“I asked you when I came in, but you didn’t say anything. You were on the phone, so I didn’t wanna bother you further.” 

“You… you did?” you ask. 

He nods and he takes a step further into the room. “What’s goin’ on, darlin’?” 

You sniff and put your head into your hands again. “I… I can’t afford my therapy anymore. My insurance sent me around in circles and basically told me I’ve used up all my coverage. My doctor’s office won’t give me a straight answer either. I don’t know what to do anymore!” 

You begin to sob and you feel the couch beside you sink as Arthur sits. His hand settles on your shoulder. He knows a bit about the problems you’re getting help for, though not all the details. 

“That’s bad business, darlin’, I’m real sorry. I wish there was somethin’ I could do.” His hand rubs over your back and you know he’s trying to reassure you. “If your doctor really cares about her patients like she claims, she’ll work with ya, sweetheart. Don’t give up hope yet.” 

You lower your hands and nod, but don’t bother wiping your cheeks dry. 

“Hey, look at me, darlin’.” Arthur gently guides your head around so he can see your face. His eyes grow sad and then he guides you over so your head is settling on his bare and warm chest. His hand settles on your head, cradling you to him, while his other hand pats your back. 

“It’s gonna be okay, darlin’. Like I said, if your doc really cares, she’ll help ya out. Ya can’t tell me you’re the first who’s run into these problems.” 

“But I can’t talk to her until this is all sorted out,” you sniff, soaking up his warmth. You’ve been seeing your doctor every week until now. 

“I know, but… I know I ain’t exactly qualified or certified or whatever the hell ya wanna call it, but… I can try to help ya. I just want ya happy, sweetheart. I know I probably won’t be able to help half as good as her, but I can still lend an ear.” 

“Arthur, you don’t wanna hear about my problems.” You don’t really feel like going into the complexity that, even though you love him more than anyone else, there are some things you only want to tell your therapist. 

“You’d be surprised, sweetheart. I ain’t gonna judge ya, darlin’. Last word I’d use to describe you is weak or pathetic. You’re one of the strongest people I know.” 

He continues telling you words of encouragement and it does help a little. He holds you like this for the longest time, to the point you wonder if his arm or leg has fallen asleep. If they have, he doesn’t show it. 

After a while, the both of you fall silent and Arthur just embraces you. It’s a good thing he wasn’t fully dressed when he started, the physical contact between yours and his skin has a rather reassuring effect. He smells comforting, too. So much time passes that, despite your worries, you start to fall asleep. Arthur just kisses your forehead and tells you to rest if you want. 

“Everythin’ will get better soon, darlin’. I promise. No matter what happens, I’ll always be here for ya.” 

#rdr2 fanfic #red dead fanfic #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x female reader #awkward asks

[altarflame]

Let me give you this real country music breakdown.

Keeping in mind that 2019 involved lots of gut wrenching transition, including divorce and selling my home of 11 years (the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere). Moving away from the tropics, to a place where the ocean is usually too far and my plants can’t live outside through the winter. I had a kid move out and away, for the first time.   My oldest friend also died last August, after a scant 3 month long battle with cancer. It was a real plague upon my proverbial dog, wife, and pickup truck. And, of course, I’m living through a pandemic, and a long overdue but very emotional racial justice uprising, with the rest of you, now. Anyway. OTHER than those things, my 2020 has been like...My sister’s gradually, gut wrenchingly cut off all contact with me over the past couple of years, culminating in the last couple of months, whenst we no longer speaketh at all. I’ve fought hard for this to be different and it’s still very sharp. I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope, or stop making a fool of myself about it. A new friend I was starting to really care about hung herself in April. I’ve tried to be there for her husband and 5 year old daughter when and how I can, which is honestly not much. I’ve taken several people who were scared to go alone, to her grave.  I felt forced to break up with the person I thought was my soul mate, these past 3 years, and wanted to be with forever, and I have grieved it hard over the last couple of months. I’m still processing this. I’m gonna be processing this for awhile. My threshold for being anywhere near him without overwhelming sobbing is apparently approximately 45 seconds. In the beginning we were scrambled together, mixed in a celestial bowl and hand fluffed with a feather. And the tears of bliss were not amiss - it was a good day.  But the story nears the present time Of restlessness and wake up calls Wake up! Years have flown fast but then who's counting The wars have been won but there's few left standing between us And the shadows of Christmas past... Critically acclaimed but sadly underrated - Fortune definitely favored us, but no one celebrated. Our wits were splitting at their ends... We gazed upon the city lights We each laughed aloud one final time and agreed: This is one thing we'll miss... On his way out, he sabotaged my part time foster child’s mom’s tenuous, fragile relationship with me, so I no longer have the ability to connect with or help that child who he brought into my life. Who I love and wonder about and periodically hear horror stories about via mutual friends. I bent over backwards, I burned calories straining for that trust between the mom and myself.  

It’s so terrible sometimes. It hurts so bad. Jean-Paul. LAURA.   *MILLS*  . Coralye. FUCK. This post brought to you with plenty of hard crying, and no shortage of echoing painful music. I’m physically sick about this shit semi often.  I don’t normally let go of anybody, guys. But certainly not my fucking nearest and dearest.  I have a lot. I have SO MUCH. I know this. I feel good a lot of the time.  I have all 5 of my kids under this roof while the pandemic rages on, and they’re all healthy and beautiful and they all love me and talk with me. It’s mostly all cake these days with them, Elise telling me where she is in her own solitary reading for pleasure, Ananda cracking me up, Jake biking to the grocery store for treats to share, Aaron showing me something amazing in the yard, Isaac washing dishes and giving me weirdly helpful and totally unanticipated advice. They’re almost no work now, it’s all return on investment and I have tons of privacy and I use the fuck out of it.  I’m deeply in love with somebody these past 7 months. Being deeply in new love AND devastated-heartbroken about lost love at the same time is honestly dizzying, I spent a first destitute day thinking maybe I can’t do polyamory anymore, period. Maybe this is too fucking much and I’m gonna be alone and focus on my career and my goddamned plants. (<--not fucking really, obv I am not gonna let the pain win and go full hermit. Brief compelling temptation, though.) My career and my plants are great, btw, thanks for asking. I’ve got basically my dream job, it’s flexible and lackadaisical AND meaningful and challenging, it’s salaried with bonuses and hella benefits and amazing job security. It’s the whole thing, the culmination of 6 years in school and unpaid internships and volunteering. I even have a spare PRN position elsewhere that I mostly hang on to because it’s fun when they want me to come make $200 for a shift, to mix it up a little.  And I have solo projects, writing and web and mental health, all in the works, and they’re good.  I have seedlings sprouting. I have a yard that is pure magic, revealing new secrets each day.  I’ve got some of my oldest people, like Jess. I’ve got some exciting new people, like Jill.  The love, did I mention it? Holy shit. I’ve got Sterling, and that is a whole other story. That it’s been this good while things are this bad is pretty astounding. His own drama quotient has been off the charts, too. I almost can’t imagine how wonderful it would be if we weren’t constantly adrift in a sea of bullshit, though I also strongly suspect we both need a certain staggering minimum quota of bullshit. It’s no accident that we met mutually chasing along after the wake of the same madman’s chaos. We’re nursing some deep wounds in each other, waking up some old old hurts and soothing them back down smaller and smaller. Anytime we’re touching it’s either syrupy soma sweet, blazing inferno hot, or a staggering blend of the two - and then we pull apart to try to actually speak with whole brains, and inevitably take turns being baffled, just hilariously relieved, at how easy it is to communicate. We alternate coming at each other on tiptoe, braced, and then feeling confused and just.... amused? Skeptical? that the other is totally able to empathize with what was just said and is accepting it gently.  We don’t have a ton of objective stuff in common, on paper. We’re both very wordy and linguistic, we’re analyzers, we draw unusual people who will feel safe telling us insane things. We’re both hypersexual perverts, chronic pickers, we both wear too much black. It doesn’t go a lot further than that at a glance. We both have PTSD and ironclad outward facing coping skills, nostalgia for the Florida Keys, scientific skepticism mixed with some faith in magic.... we were both brilliant children who felt pretty isolated. But I haven’t ever really felt like anyone is loving me the way I love people, before. I’ve never even felt like anyone else received my love, the same way I intended it, or at least not all of it. It’s like the intensity of what I’m conveying and meaning when I kiss somebody’s cheek, I dunno man, he experiences it. The goofy flowing sense I have, of holding hands, he comments on it all the time. I’m not just like.... alone, in my overwhelm with being touched, or my enthusiasm for sensations, and that is honestly pretty new to me. Sterling is not tolerating my affection for my sake, and I’m still gradually adapting to that with periodic backsliding into hesitance, and unneeded apologies. It’s like we’re totally fluent in the precise same love language, so nothing gets lost, and the feedback loop is instantaneous.  He’s dark inside, but dark like Nine Inch Nail’s A Warm Place. Dark like the womb.  So as I was saying. I have so much. Including a candle that’s about Mills, and is burning behind me, giving me this slipping sense that I need to blow it out, I need to reserve it, it’s gonna be gone soon. This one spans so many feelings, it’s been positive, some new candle would be what, voodoo? Meddling? I don’t know. This one’s been in a drawer, with our ring buried in it (my dragon). What will I do with that ring? What will I do with all this love?  How can I contain so much, anyway? Why can’t anything ever replace anything else? It’s like infinite space, and the empty places just keep throbbing, and it’s like I sprout new spots for new fullness and the cavities pulse on.  I’m deeply grateful for a certain self-completeness I’ve come to understand that I have, and that not everyone does. I am resiliant A-motherfucking-F (<--meta vulgar!). AND YET. OW OW OW.  I’m sitting here trying to exposure therapy my way through my Mills playlist, as I write this, so Spotify can’t surprise me into sads anymore. I’ve gotten already to a place where sometimes i remember positive things purely positively, and laugh and tell a story and it’s ok. I’m bitter as all hell that I can’t even talk to my sister about this breakup, after she had so many stupid goddamned feelings about the relationship itself, about polyamory in general, about ever knowing him (which might have allowed her to help me grieve at all).  Sigh. I love the internet, maybe feel free to send me a message if you’re still reading, whoever the fuck you are <3

#personal #long text posts #polyamory #Mills #loss #Sterling #motherhood #MSW

[melanieratford]

Bloody Mary

@retailhell, @retail-hell, @retail-retales, @fuck-customers, @retail-problems, @retail-truestory, Ya’ll will find this very interesting.

Backstory: I work as a courtesy clerk/cart pusher at a local grocery store. My emotions have been shot for over a month because on December 28th, my mother was admitted into a hospital in my aunt’s city with respiratory failure and since then, my aunt and I have taken over my family’s finances. As of 01/25, my stress levels have been so high that my immune system is down and my body is now trying to catch a cold. Not to mention how I have blood sugar issues (they haven’t been confirmed by a doctor, but I know I have them.)... Basically, when my blood sugar drops too low, I faint, vomit, or both. I can usually feel this coming on, so usually, I go to my backpack and scarf down a snack. My store also has a laundry counter so people can pick up and drop off their dry cleaning.

Now to the hell...

About a year ago, a cashier named Mary was given the position of Store Trainer. As a cashier, she was sweetness and light, but since her promotion, it’s easy to tell that the “power” has gone to her head.

Over the past year, she has begun to nitpick EVERYTHING. She especially enjoys doing this with me. And I mean EVERYTHING. She has told me that I’m not allowed to wear a green jacket (despite the fact that the only jacket colors I’ve ever worn during her time at my store have been black and white. And I stopped wearing the white jacket when the Store Director said I couldn’t wear it anymore). She has told me that I’m not allowed to wear my Slytherin hat and scarf, and gave me a dirty look when I got permission from the Store Director to wear them (my customers love them, btw). She’s yelled at me in front of customers about how I sack groceries wrong (despite the fact that I’ve been at this job nearly 4 years). You name it, she’s yelled at me about it.

Now, when mom was admitted to the hospital, I thought she had gotten a cold and let it turn into Bronchitis, or Pneumonia... She was admitted on Saturday... It was Sunday night that I was told that her lungs were approximately 50% failed and the doctors were working their asses off to save her. I had work the next day.

I go to work completely distraught. So, I begin looking for the “higher ups” so that I can notify them of the situation and explain that my emotions are shot because of it. I see Mary and a cashier first. The cashier is awestruck and she runs off to find the Store Director so she can tell him that he needs to talk to me asap. Mary yells at me “I’M NOT YOUR BOSS. Find Mr. C (the Store Director) and tell him!”. I eventually get around to telling all of the managers what was up. Mr. C. and the office manager tell me to let them know if I need to leave early, and thank me for notifying them of the situation.

The cashiers all end up getting wind of why I was upset. At one point, it was dead, so I was explaining to 2 cashiers that I’m not going to give the hospital the D.N.R (Do Not Resuscitate) unless mom is a vegetable and can’t be saved. Mary walks up and tells me that I need to give the hospital the D.N.R and to prepare to let my mother go (die)...

Needless to say, what Mary said about my mother has kept me in a constant state of pissed off towards her for a month... And my family is so angry that my grandmother has talked about seeing if we have grounds to sue her... Not to mention how all my friends are pissed off at Mary.

Then Friday (01/24) happens.

So, my stress is firing on all cylinders. Mom has bounced back so well that the hospital is preparing to send her to a rehab facility for physical therapy, but my aunt and I are still trying to make sure the finances are taken care of. This particular day, I had an important, financial, family, meeting to attend to after work. I was supposed to work from 7 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Mr. C is on vacation, Stan (the manager in the store at the time) is in the back dealing with a truck, and the office manager had to leave early to care for her husband and children (who all have the flu).... Leaving Mary with free reign over the front end.

Now, I don’t know if I’ve told ya’ll about Paula (a religious nutter/preacher’s wife) and Dwayne (a very bitchy, extremely demanding, mentally handicapped man (seriously, this guy is an asshole)). But, Paula was the primary cashier I was dealing with, and Dwayne is usually the second courtesy clerk to come in (after me). These 2 are key players on this day.

Mary starts in on me. I was refilling the spray bottles with cleaning solution for the cashiers, I got told there was someone at the laundry counter, and I decide that I’m gonna kill 2 birds with 1 stone by bringing the bottles to the counter so that I don’t have to go back for them. Too late, Mary is taking care of the customer. A couple of minutes later, while I’m with a customer, she gives me the death glare and yells “YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THAT TOO!”. I raise my hands and say “Hands up! Don’t shoot!” and my customer asks what Mary’s deal is.

My emotions flare and I accidentally lose my tact while I was with a couple of customers. I meant no malice towards the customers, I was simply really stressed and upset.

Dwayne clocks in, and we have no customers, so I go to the Laundry Counter and begin doing book work. At 9:45, Mary pops up and orders me to go to break, and yells at me to be nicer to the customers when I get back. I tried to explain myself, and say that I meant no harm when she cuts me off by yelling “YES YOU DID!”. Keep in mind, a 7 to 1:30 shift means that I shouldn’t have gotten a break until around 10:30 (the halfway point of the shift). As I walked off, I muttered “My animosity isn’t towards the customers, It’s towards you.”.

I come back and in an effort to keep Mary from yelling at me, I just refrain from talking. I keep my responses to my customers’ small talk extremely short...

However, that doesn’t work.

Throughout the time, my blood sugar begins to dip. Mary is circling the front end like a vulture, so I was afraid to get the chocolate to boost it and keep it from bottoming out... Only when my body said “If you don’t help me, you will suffer!” did I sneak away to scarf down some chocolate. This happens at least 3 times. Luckily, Stan was up front and Mary was elsewhere when I had to sneak away. At one point, I felt my phone vibrate. Now, usually, I walk off and check my phone... Because it could be my aunt, my grandmother, or the hospital, calling me to tell me that something has happened with my mother (who is working on her breathing and getting dialysis) or my grandfather (who has recently spent time in a hospital and a rehab facility). With Mary circling the front end, I was afraid to check it, which made me worry even more that something could be wrong.

Then 1 o-clock happens. Dwayne is told to go to lunch, and I have told him “I need you to get back on time, because they’re not gonna let me leave until I get back. And I can’t stay late because of an important, financial, family, meeting.”. Dwayne is the type of guy who clocks out, buys his lunch, then takes 30 minutes from the time he buys his lunch to come back... Despite the fact that he’s supposed to come back 30 minutes from the time he clocks out. It was 1:13 when he bought his lunch.

2 other courtesy clerks have clocked in since Dwayne has gone to lunch, meaning there are 3 of us running the front end. Everyone knows that I can’t stay late.

1:30 arrives, no Dwayne. Mary yells at me to fill the drinks. 1:45 arrives, Mary and Paula are riding my ass, while I begin to panic about being late for my meeting. 1:50 arrives, I run to the back, find Dwayne and beg him “PLEASE! Please clock back in so I can leave! I have an important family meeting to get to!”, to which he responds by yelling at me “YOU DON’T HAVE A MEETING! YOU JUST DON’T WANNA WORK!”. 1:55 arrives, Dwayne FINALLY clocks in, I clock out and bolt to where my backpack is.

As I take out my phone, discover it was my grandmother who called me, and begin taking my earbuds out so I can talk on the phone hands free while I drive, Mary corners me and screams “YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A FAMILY TO WORRY ABOUT!” several times, ending the rant with “I’M SICK OF YOU!”.

Keep in mind, Murph (another manager) has clocked in, and neither him, nor Stan are in the area during the times that Mary yells and screams at me. She NEVER takes me into the office with a manager and lays out the problems... Instead, she aims to publicly humiliate me.

My fight or flight reflex is firing at maximum capacity at this point. Hell, by the time I clocked out, my desire to leave has shifted from worrying about the meeting to wanting to get away from Mary. My brain is telling me to stand up, fight and tell her off. My body is telling me “Get the fuck out of here and away from her!”. I listened to my body.

As I leave the building, I say “Mary P, more like Bloody Mary.”.

I got my grandmother on the phone while I was in the parking lot walking to my truck. She called to say that my neighbor took her to the meeting earlier in the day and that it was dealt with. As soon as she stops talking, I burst into tears. I was BAWLING. I went ahead and drove to my favorite coffee shop, because I really needed a boost.

I get to the coffee shop, end the phone call with my grandmother, and order my drink. It’s easy to tell that I’ve been crying my eyes out. After I order, Jennifer and John (the people who run the shop), ask me what’s up. As John begins making my drink, I begin explaining what had happened. I tried to pay, but Jennifer stuffed my money back in my hand saying “This one’s on me.”. John hands me my drink and Jennifer sits me down on a couch and listens to my woes. She then tells me that I need to report Mary to H.R. and that Mary was severely out of line. She also states that, because I came into the shop in tears, she and John both thought that something had happened to my mom. I love this shop so much that I frequent it enough that I tell Jennifer, Bridget and John about my family and friends (especially considering my friends like this shop as well). One of my friends (who happens to work in the Deli at my work) is in the shop, and as soon as Jennifer stands up from the couch, he sits down and asks me what’s up. I explain what had happened and he was awestruck, but not entirely surprised...

Apparently, Mary likes going into the departments and screaming at them as well. So, there are department members, cashiers, and courtesy clerks who all call her “Bloody Mary”.

I sent a very detailed report to H.R. on Saturday morning... My friends, family, and I are all hoping Mary gets fired. As it is, I’m afraid to go to work this week, because, if she’s there, that bright, neon, flashing, target will be back on my back.

#retail hell #retail #retail worker #Retail problems #retail employee

[stoneqoldcrazy]

One year with Queen

This is just gonna be a big appreciation post about Queen and the people I’ve met this past year sdlkjkdsjlf I’m gonna leave it all under the cut

I’m not too sure how to start this off because this has been one of the most worst years for me honestly but I’ll try my best ldkskjdls

I should explain something first before I get into this. I have been battling this kinda strange phobia called emetophobia (fear of vomiting) all my life and it recently (like 2016) hit me real hard and it has been real difficult for me to eat. I know that sounds strange but I have been battling with this difficulty since 2016. Another strange thing that I have been battling since 2016 is this weird “gaggy” feeling. This feeling causes me great anxiety and it still disrupts my life. 

Now on with this year sdjlkdskj so I had a bad feeling that this year was gonna be terrible and I was right. This year started off with me getting sick which, of course, is fucking TERRIFYING for me. What made this so much worse, though, was that the spring semester of college was starting up for me. These were both my first ever on-campus classes and I missed the first day for both of my classes. I only had two college classes because I was still in high school at the time sdklsdk I hope this isn’t confusing :( anyways I absolutely HATE missing school and not only did I miss school but I also missed some days at work. There were times where I went to work for a few minutes and I had to sit in the office and calm down but I was sent home. This hit me hard because I also hate missing work and my anxiety has never been this bad. I still look back at how disappointed I was in myself. This happened near late January to early February and my parents took me to the psychiatrist because holy Fuck my anxiety was bad. My psychiatrist pretty much said that I needed to get checked if this “gaggy” feeling was something physical. So throughout February, I had to go to the hospital multiple times and I am still surprised by how I got through it all. I had to get my esophagus fucking stretched like KLDSKLSDKL but that didn’t help at all. It was anxiety. Throughout like February through April I was still having trouble getting back up on my feet from me getting sick (yeah I was That disturbed) and from the hospital visits. During these months, I felt that strong gaggy feeling WHILE at work and I still experience it sometimes but back then I had to actually sit in the office at times and have people do the buffet (I work at KFC and I also suffer from intrusive thoughts so I was afraid I would think of something gross while being surrounded by the strong smelling foods). Now you might be wondering how this all relates to Queen. Well, whenever I had to be sent home from work, I felt terrible and I wanted to cry dsklfj but Queen was there to help me pretty much. One thing that I vividly remember was when I was coming back from one of my hospital visits. I was so terrified that it was gonna go wrong because it was a barium swallowing test thing but I made it. While we were leaving the hospital, I put on my Queen. I remember Delilah playing and I couldn’t help but smile because it was like Freddie was sharing his happiness with me. This is why I love the song Delilah btw sjdlkjkdls. There were SO many moments like these. One song that pulled me through all of this was Somebody to Love. I would just lay there and close my eyes listening to it and I swear it has fucking healing powers sddskldskl. As time went on, I eventually met up with my psychiatrist and I found myself a therapist and I felt so happy. As I was driving home, I noticed Teo Torriatte playing and its lyrics just made me go crazy go stupid in a good way like??? It made me smile so much it felt like Freddie was there with me :(. This was during like May I think?? May was the month I finally graduated high school. It wasn't anything special but I did decorate my graduation cap something Queen related and I even kinda rose my fist in the air when I got my diploma like?? My Younger self would not do something like that sdlk. Oh, also for my award ceremony, I fucking wore a Freddie shirt and tight checkered pants, which was something my younger self would DEFINITELY never do. It seems like Freddie gave me that confidence. Another thing that Freddie gave me was the realization that I can play piano?? I got my keyboard in like may and my first ever song I learned was Bohemian Rhapsody and I still love playing it along with Freddie. I never thought I could play piano but here I am playing fucking Bohemian Rhapsody sjdkl. 

I’ll continue on in the summer time (if ur still reading this and ur brain isnt fucking goo by now i love u DSKJLKLDS). This past summer we decided to go to Washington D.C. because I love history. Well, my anxiety gets bad whenever we go on long car rides because Oh No What If I Get An Anxiety Attack And We’re Already 3 Hours Into The Drive? What pulled me through the 8 hour car ride was Queen of course. For example, during like the first hour of the car ride I was looking up at the stars thinking “oh it’d be cool if ‘39 played” aND ‘39 STARTED PLAYING and then Keep Yourself Alive started playing?? Anyways this was our second time in D.C. and this time it honestly sucked. I didnt really get to do the things I wanted and my intrusive thoughts were getting pretty bad. My intrusive thoughts got even worse in the car ride back home. I, of course, had my Queen playing and Breakthru started playing. That pretty much saved me honestly. Like?? If I could only reach you If I could make you smile If I could only reach you That would really be a breakthrough. That hit HARD dklkd. Fast forward to fall time. I’m now in my first real semester of college. This was also the first time being in therapy. This semester was stressful because of my speech class, but I pulled through of course with a 96. I passed all my classes with As. One thing I remember was me driving to college and I had Queen playing in my car like normal. It was different this time, though, because I was going to my first speech. I was nervous but when I was about to pull into my college, my radio switched to CD mode and started playing my old Queen CD that I made back in January. This confused the hell out of me because like?? Radios arent supposed to do tHAT but We Are The Champions started playing??? That sounds fake but I swear I’m still not over it dskl. Time forward to October. That month sucked ass honestly. My intrusive thoughts were getting SUPER bad and I felt extremely lonely. What pulled me through, though, was Freddie’s solo album. I’m pretty sure it got released on spotify during this time and that was fucking PERFECT timing. 

So, Queen has pretty much made this year bearable somehow. Queen has been there for me through it ALL. I will forever appreciate Queen and all that they have done honestly. I also REALLY appreciate Freddie dsjkl I never really looked up to anyone but now I have someone to look up to when I’m having trouble. Freddie is a very relatable person as well. I never could relate to anyone as a gay person and I’m glad I found Freddie. I live in a small religious town in the south so most of the people here are homophobic dsjkldkl and my mom is real religious so yeah it’s fun dslj. When I found out about Freddie’s religious parents and how they took his Gaeyness i was like. oh fUcjk anyways Queen and Freddie are like best fucking friends to me to be honest and I hope to form more memories with them as the years go by. 

Speaking of friends and memories,, this is the best fandom I have EVER been in and I mean that. I have met so many lovely people and I am STILL surprised by all the love that my edits get??? It’s so surprising and I now have about 530 followers?? I’m so fucking mind blown sdkjl but I’m gonna tag some people who are just indescribably amazing and who have helped me through my Tough Times: @moustachefreddie @seven-seeds-of-rhye @freddie-mercurys @asupersonicwoman @queenofindecision @i-live-for-queen @39-brian @a-hysterical-queen-bih @bambirex @his-majesty-king-mercury @leatherjacketmazzello @ogrebattles @mrbadguymercury @darlingfreddie

#long post #if i didnt tag u im so sorry sklddkl it most most likely because i was too shy and scared #if anyone reads this i appreciate it a lot it's almost 2 AM SDKLLDSKKLDS #but I appreciate Queen and this fandom so much???? holy FUCK #gonna wake up in the morning and Cringe at this but im full of love :( #im also on my laptop so no emojis sdkl #gabby's gabbing #i love all of u :( #i hope to stay here for a long time #wHAT THE FUCK THANK GOD IT'S CHRISTAS STARTED PLAYING??? THE LYRICS IN THAT START OF IT UFCK MY HEART #it's been a long hard year................................................. fusdkjleowiojk

[let-sanji-say-fuck]

Hello there! Welcome around :) I don't know how to call you yet, but you'll probably be Sanji around here! Since you're all fresh, why not starting with a headcanon? Law and Zoro dealing with their fem s/o who has an incontrollable fear of blood? These boys are always covered with it... So I wonder how they would deal with it! Thanks a lot, and all the best luck for your blog!

Hello Miho, dear! It’ll be my pleasure! I have very scarce reference on blood phobia, but I really hope it did your request justice! Thanks a lot for the best wishes, I’ll sure be blessed if I get this much support from you guys

Trafalgar Law

He totally gives her the “are you fucking kidding me?” look when she tells him about her absolutely conventional fear, pen twirling from one finger to the next as he decides whether he should just continue to fill up her health form or make her change her mind about joining his crew, because piracy and blood phobia don’t go well together.

Moreover, the Heart Pirates and blood phobia definitely don’t go well together. This man moves around his lab with very large splotches of red on his coat and gloves. Law usually doesn’t let anyone into his sterilized sanctuary, but this girl is absolutely banned from the very first day. How is he supposed to deal with a possible collapse when he’s covered in what caused it?

Law tends to go a little overboard in his battles and, while his fruit saves his s/o from the terrifying sight of blood showers, he doesn’t get the same courtesy that his enemies do. Deep cuts, a busted lip, bloody nose, several bullet holes… He comes out pretty beat up,and absolutely doesn’t need a screech to add to his pounding headache, no matter how horrifying he knows he looks. He just ends up forbidding her from partaking in battles as well.

He’s the kind of guy who walks around with a mini first aid kit, which comes in handy for those occasions when his s/o gets a cut or a mini wound. If he’s close by, he’s going to treat and band aid it with impressive, swift hands before she can see the smallest drop of blood.

Law actually doesn’t really like that he has to go the extra mile to ensure that she doesn’t wobble or, in a worst case scenario, have a panic attack at the sight of blood. It might sound selfish, but it’s actually just because he has learnt to live with blood as if it was a second skin thanks to his profession, both as a pirate captain and as a surgeon. 

He always ends up denying that this bothers him, especially to her. She has apologized for all the extra work she has put him through for the sake of her comfort, several times, but Law brushes it off as something unimportant. He doesn’t want her to feel upset for something that isn’t even her fault, Law wouldn’t be doing any of this if he didn’t care.

The more time he spends next to her, the easier it is to dismiss the idea of a long distance relationship. At first he thought that it would be better for everyone’s health to just ensure a happy life for her in a small, peaceful island, but he has never had the guts to suggest abandoning her like that. When he becomes her s/o, Law immediately discards the idea.

When he decides that there’s no way she’s going to leave his crew, Law starts to seriously suggest some kind of therapy to get rid of her fear. It’s just the little things, such as asking her to not look away when she sees a small cut, until it becomes too much. He’s mindful of how much it drains her. 

The usual blood tests he runs on his crew also become milestones in this path they’re walking together, because every time she can handle the sight of blood a little better, Law always makes sure to let her know how proud he is of her. He has a nice storage of sweet goodies stacked up to gain some glucose after the removal of blood, so he decides to take some time off his busy schedule to have some snacks with her.

The last step after the very long progress is placing his heart on her hands – quite literally. Law knows that she’s scared, and won’t do this until after they have both thoroughly agreed on it, but they know they have come a long way when she doesn’t do much more than freeze a little when the heavy and warm cube that kept his beating heart was placed on her palm. Perhaps it was just knowing that it took Law a lot of trust to go this far for her, but the sight of the small waves of blood going from one ventricle to another as the organ throbbed calmly… it didn’t terrify her that much.

Roronoa Zoro

Zoro honestly doesn’t understand why the hell she started to scream when he came back from the island with a terribly beaten up arm, bruised and bloody. Looking back now, he still doesn’t see the big deal in it, but he does feel kind of bad for screaming at her to shut up. He will just admit it was the pain snapping, not him.

He just can’t help but disregard and even understimate her fear. Blood is the most natural thing in the world in his books and his thick skull really can’t fit in the idea of it being as frightening as she feels it is. It’s nothing personal, he just has this attitute towards most phobias because he’s nearly fearless and can’t really relate.

At first he’s most likely going to get really annoyed if she “overreacts”, and won’t do much to help her if he comes back with half an ear off or cuts all over his chest. It’s not like she’s being forced to see him in that state, she can totally just ignore him and the thick blood dripping with every step he took, and Zoro expects her to do just that. 

One way to easily notice that he has become her s/o and that he cares about her is that he won’t ask her to stop crying over spilled blood, like he used to. He does his damn best to stop himself from snapping at her because he doesn’t want to upset her anymore than she is; he knows she’s having it rough enough already. Still pretty terrible at comforting, but gives the best, warm hugs to bring her back if she gets too lost in her fear.

Quite overprotective, and this trait is just enhanced by the fact that he feels that his s/o can never be truly safe if she is unable to make a potential threat bleed. This is why he usually asks her to stay onboard. He knows it’s difficult to protect her when she can’t see blood, so even staying by her side while exploring the town is risky. However, he’s totally confident in his ability to knock some weak punks unconscious without having anyone shed blood.

Zoro is the kind of lover who tries too hard, but occasionally fails just as hard. If his s/o gets a small injury, he’s next to her within the next few seconds, but he’s also struggling with the sticky band aids. He still tries to curse in his lowest voice because he doesn’t want to startle her and make the situation worse – how bad could a cut get?! Pretty bad, if we’re talking about Zoro, but he has the best intentions only, really.

As sadistic and weird as it sounds, he kind of enjoys the taste of blood so, instead of treating a cut with the complex doctor stuff, he’d rather just suck it clean, like the old school guy he is. Her red face and nervous breathing tells him that the cure is worse than the disease itself, though. He tries, but he’s really a mess.

Zoro is kind of better at supporting from the sidelines, honestly. One very sweet example is that everytime his lover gets out of Chopper’s office feeling upset because of a blood test, he’s always waiting for her outside to carry her to the crow’s nest for a well-deserved nap.

Her context gives him the BEST excuse to push that perverted cook over the railing. Of course Zoro’s not going to let Sanji near his s/o when there’s the risk of her seeing a nosebleed. He doesn’t usually need an excuse to kick Snooj away, but this one works perfectly because Sanji respects his s/o’s and will actually stay away from her and, subsequently, from Zoro.

His ideas involving some kind of progress to help her overcome her fear would be too blunt to put into practice. He kind of believes that exposing his s/o to a bag of blood (that Chopper won’t lend him) while embracing her and helping her calm down before its presence is a good idea. Knowing this, it’s really not a surprise that she still fears blood with a passion, but it’s not that much of a problem when her lover tries his best to protect her from it.

#Trafalgar Law #Roronoa Zoro #Female Pronouns #Headcanons #One Piece #madlymiho

[ninjagoat]

BTW - I really don't care about seeing Lena's therapy scenes but I'd be fascinated to see Kara's therapy scenes. At least that would recenter Kara's emotional voice and force the show back into the kind of character-driven writing that it used to be pretty good at in s1 and s3. Right now the show isn't about Supergirl and it's lacking any emotional resonance.

Kara is Kara Danvers. Kara is Kara Zor-El. Both of these things are true, and neither of them are. Kara needs to do the work of Supergirl in order to be the truest version of herself; but she cannot do that without the realities of being Kara Zor-El (being Kryptonian) and Kara Danvers (being on Earth).

The tension between these two sides of her is Kara’s inherent conflict. It should be the main driving engine behind her stories, with each new story problem finding a different nuance in her character through how her opposing halves resolve and react to the specific issues that arise.

As much as the audience might want, this conflict cannot be resolved until the end of the show. If it is, the show runs out of steam.

And the reason we’re currently in this weird place with the show is because, at the end of season 3, Kara sat down on that couch with Alex and declared that she was *just* Kara Danvers.

They resolved the inherent conflict. From that point on, Kara’s story isn’t even really a story.

It’s just a sequence of events.

Kara’s pushed away from Alex and the DEO, and toward working with the other alien characters at a time of high anti-alien sentiment. Is this narrative about her embracing her position as an alien community leader?

Kinda?

If it was, she probably wouldn’t back down on the Harun-El issue so easily. Enabling aliens to be put into camps – even by mistake - isn’t exactly a morally neutral act; and it’s not like Lena didn’t tell everyone the pro-human sentiment behind why she was doing it.

It’s more-or-less lip-service to Kara being an alien than actually grappling with it, because we had already seen her embrace her alien side in the previous season, and we know what conclusion she came to.

But wait! Kara’s been split into two! Maybe the Red Daughter IS the Kara Zor-El side – angry, arrogant, made of steel - and who we know as Kara is the Kara Danvers side – all sunshine and flowery cardigans – and THAT’S why Kara said what she said, and their conflict will literally be THE conflict between them?

Ok, no.

So, is the Red Daughter who Kara would have been, when she first arrived; then nurtured into a different form?

Kinda? I think? But the fact that she remembers the name Alex, allowing Lex to trick her, kinda undermines any agency she has over what she’s doing. She’s working off of false information, information she wouldn’t respond to without also sort-of being Kara Danvers. So… huh?

It looks like a story… but it’s not.

And this season, it’s more of the same. It seems obvious that what the show wants to be about is ‘hoping to be forgiven for doing the bad thing’; except… we don’t think Kara did a bad thing, and the show is having to invent ways that it *was* a bad thing in order to justify the narrative, and she doesn’t even know that it’s still considered a bad thing yet so she can even try to be forgiven, and even when she does:

What the hell act of contrition is she supposed to do that she hasn’t done already? And given everything Lena’s done, both before AND after learning the truth… why should she even try?

Oh, and if it’s going the other way, and William is serving as an example to Kara of how to sublimate your immediate personal feelings to hold the rich and powerful to account… that’s not actually about her yet? And when it is, what feelings is she sublimating that she hasn’t been for the past three seasons? The last two times she tried to hold Lena accountable, James or a mind-wiped Alex undermined her. That isn’t happening this time. So what lesson is she learning here?

I realise I may have wandered of my original point, but it’s SO FRUSTRATING. None of this makes sense. If this is part of the inherent conflict, it’s the conflict between Kara Danvers telling a lie, and Kara Zor-El having a boundary; and SO WHAT? Either way, Kara has come through for Lena so many times, and let so much other shit slide; that if Lena can’t let this one thing go, that’s her fucking problem. She’s thirty-five years old, and runs a massive company.

Lashing out is for children, and Lena’s a grown-up. She should fucking act like one.

[paulasg-in-creppy-wonderland]

Tips to help with depression that help a lot!

And, yeah I know the title sound overly enthusiastic but is 3am, so bear with me...

So

1. Self love, I know, I know, "I already knew that" but the thing is, that most of the time is really hard. You see your self in the mirror, but you don't see you. So what I did is, tell my self good thing about me, like when you compliment some else. Tell your self, "Hey, I like you hair" or "Your dress is beatifull" and so on.

2. VENT! F*CKING VENT!! To who? To you! To you, your self and the demon under the bed! Draw it, write it, speak to your self. But don't hold it in. Scream to the void, to your pillow. Heck, make a blog and vent. I know is hard to spoke to other people, specially if you are like me and think that you are emotional baggage for everybody around you. If you can some one to listen to you, even if they don't replied, that's fine. Let it out. Saying how you feel a lound will help you out to understand your emotions better and you will feel better after. Take a moment to cry under the covers, if okay.

3. Found something to take care of, a plant, a pet (even a fish is fine), anything, because, is reguarding. If is plant that has flowers, you will feel accomplish when they bloom, if is a pet that you got when it was small, you will feel happy when it groes up. In my experience, seeds are the best, is always kind of magical when in a pot that use to be empty there is a bloom, even if you place 6 seeds, and only 2 bloom (which may happen and is normal btw) is nice to see it, is pretty.

4. Self control, you wanna eat the hole ice cream gallon, eat one serving. You wanna go out and eat tacos for the 10 time this weak, make a snack with similar ingredients. You are always spending money on food? 'Cause is the more common one and I know is easier that cooking. Make food at home! "I don't know how to cook" learn! I don't care if you take 2 sandwiches to lunch every day, make them different and attempt to cook. Just do it. I know is hard, but do it, it will help reducing various thing. Which could be: stress (because you should be saving), health (because you are eating home food, you know what is in there), extra cash (which is always nice)...

5. Get pretty things. For real, that nice dress, get it, the plush, get it, that video game of $5 get it. Of course you don't have to spend every last cent in your bank account. (As I already give to understand in point 4) Is more like a reward, for make it to the end of the month. For example, since we where with food, try to take home made food for two weeks strait, then buy a lunch, let say hamburger, the again to weeks of home made food, then buy a ice cream or a donut. Dosen't had to be a full lunch, or doesn't had to be a treat, but the thing is to think about it like a game, the overall reward will be "oh I had extra cash" because you will, "oh I was able to eat sort of healthy, that's nice!" Because you will.

Speaking of which:

6. Eat with order. "What?" Yeah, that, take breakfast(you may skip it if you litterality feel sick is you do take it, I know that happens to some people) , take lunch, take dinner Eat on a speuudoschedule, take breakfast in the morning, take lunch in the afternoon, take diner at night. And if you are like me and you don't eat much in general (no particular reason I get full easy, that's all) take a snack between foods, eat an apple, some cracker with cheese, something small and something that you like, but avoid fried things, like chips an so, you don't want to be eating that dailly. Don't skip foods. (This also helps if you are try to losses weight 'cause you will eat less on the main foods, but you will not be starving to death, so less guilt, and happy stomach!)

7. Normally with depression come stress and anxiety. So get a stress ball or a toy, slime, a spinner, a tsum, a squishy, have at your desk at work, have one at home, rake it to first day to school/collage, take it to trips. So if you are stress/anxious you can squish the ever loving f*ck out of it. If you tent to destroy said objects (like the ball, which I notice most of my friends will murder on their desks) get more than one an bring them with you. Relive it, let it go.

8. Exercise/ nature (I don't exorcise, but I should, 'am a couch french fried {am very skinny some how}) make exercise is good for you! Helps with stress, keeps you in shape, makes you feel alive. You don't have to go to the gym, take a nice long stroll in the neighborhood, at the park, feel nature. Breath fresh air, go to the garden an get some sun. Sound cliche, I know, but take a moment to put you mind in white. I sun bath with my cat in the garden and is nice, I get to see the clouds, and the sky and I'm spending time with my cat. Look at the clouds, look for shapes. The trick with this things is keeping the mind in white. So if you are having a anxiety attack you can help your brain to slow down, by doing something that is minimum effort. Stay there for 15mins, 20 if much. Breath in and out. Then go back to face the world.

9. As you may have infer buy now, the key is taking small breaks, to allow your brain to process what's going on. Don't overlode your self with tasks, find balance. As much as you can, going little by little, makes a difference.

10. Last but not least, therapy. I know it is scary at first, admitting that you are not okay. That being sad is not your trade mark, that making a phone call shouldn't be hell, that smiling at a camera feels fake, that you feel dead inside, that you feel alone, that you are constantly wondering if people care about you, if they hate you... I know, is hard, is scary. But, they know better. 'Cause, wanting it or not, sometimes is your hormones, and if so, you are going to need medicine. And that's okay. You have to pass the psicologist first, if you are not comfy with the one you are, get a new one, they can't help if you can't open up... If you have to stay at a mental hospital that's fine! (Although, if you are in a 3th world country, like me, that last probably won't happen. You know why.) Admitting you are, well, broke, will help to but you back together, of course, don't expect to be who you where before, is like if you broke a cup and pasted back, yes is a cup, but part of it may be missing, part of it would be chirp, you may have to fill some holes with glue. But regardless of if it able to hold water or not, it has a new life. It can be a pot, or part of an art composition, you may use it to paint, to hold pencils and such. Nothing stays the same. And that's fine. Life is about change, embrace it.

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OmG, what a long post, is 4 am. Haha, hope it helps, thanks for reading!!

#depression #tip to cope #help #advice #information #im lost #you are good enough #you are worthy #can't think on good hashtags #sending good vibes #sending a hug #sending love

[trustdivinechaos]

#Personal #for my future therapist

[unimpressedperson]

“10 Movies to Describe Me” tag

Hey, as I ever said, I LOVE cinema and going to the movies, watching documentaries, enjoying life by studying every nuance present on the 7th art.

Along life we have contact with a bunch of movies and references that affect our personalities, view of world, and even how we act towards some situations. Cinema is a powerful way of art, possibly influencing.

Everyone has a list of movies which influenced our personal growth. This list is all about it: 10 Movies you can use to describe me.

1 - Spirited Away

Well, I think Spirited Away was my first contact with cinematography eastern culture and made me go further in searching for more. I was 5 or 6 when I watched and fell in love with it.

Nowadays I know how to respect different cultures, have a deep interest in stories and mythologies from other countries. Thank you Studios Ghibli!

Influenced personality: Love for mythology and cultures.

2 - The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

I LOVE drag queens and everything related to that subculture. I remember watching that movie as a kid, after midnight and hiding from my parents, which advised me to sleep because I had school the next morning.

Everything seemed so colourful and amazing, almost magical. A explosion of music and dresses, high heels, makeup, big wigs and dancing.

While growing up it influenced my choices on sports, acceptance, music, and love for drag culture.

RuPaul's Drag Race is part of my love for drag queens, but it wasn't the first reference. Btw, support your local queens and art.

Influenced personality: Dancing skills, LGBT acceptance (when it comes to myself, I have nothing to do with someone else's sexuality), love for drag culture and pop music.

3 - Blackfish

Oh ma'am, now we got to a very rough part of my personality: my HATE and INDIGNATION over zoos and aquariums.

I don't like zoos, not at all. Watching animals caged in small spaces and sad, oh boy, it makes me want to invade the whole place with a hammer and set them free.

Before watching Blackfish I didn't quite realize how bad everything was for fishes in Aquariums as well. Now, I want to start petitions against Sea World and Aquário de São Paulo.

I love animals, WAY MORE than I enjoy being around humans, so knowing how suffering is their life inside small places makes me want to cage humans and let them walk freely.

Influenced personality: Love for sea animals and thirsty for their justice.

4 - Inglorious Basterds

(This scene is one of my favourites lol)

#ILOVEHISTORYANDTARANTINO

Well, Inglorious Basterds is a very historically inaccurate movie, but I love it with all my stone cold heart. There are so many catchphrases and iconic moments.

I just love that movie. Nothing really special or meaningful.

Influenced personality: The need for kill Nazis lol

5 - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I was a very angst teenage and depressed as well, not counting anxiety on the mix. When I was 13 The Perks of Being a Wallflower aired on cinemas, and suddenly all my concerns about acting weird and not normal, compared to other girls around and whose studied with me, kind of seemed so pointless, mainly because Patrick, Charlie and Sam seemed to have so much fun, even acting quirckly and being classified as misfits.

My story has nothing to do with neither of characters, but I related a lot to them. So I think a big part of me came and flourished after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Also, it taught me the importance of speaking how you feel, therapy and trusting people enough to tell them when something wrong is going on.

The book is also one of my favourites, so I’m not impartial when it comes to The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Influenced personality: Not afraid of being myself, fight for human basic right of having mental health treatment guaranted and embracing my quirk personality.

6 - Erin Brockovich

Everyone who knows me well enough, is VERY aware of how independent and self-suficient I am. I hate depending on people for completing tasks or doing stuff, so most of the time I try to learn do things all by myself. It’s something natural inside of me, partly because I don’t get lonely, so the idea of depending on someone to anything makes me cringy.

Erin Brockovich is a movie I watched when I was 12 and the way Erin acted towards everyone, giving priority to her life and kids, not caring about everyone else’s opinion, it made me root to be independent like her (except for the kids and struggle to find a job). Erin exhales big dick energy, also the ending made me aplaud the movie (even tho I was alone at home watching it).

Influenced personality: I learnt how to classify my priorities, also improved my confidence on how I act, since Erin isn’t afraid of achieving things and proving her point, even if everyone else is against and won’t believe her.

7 - Lilo & Stitch

I think every single living human alive had at least one movie, you know this one movie, which you obsessed during your childhood. It doesn’t matter the genre, you watched it nonstop and pissed off your whole house with how repetitive movie marathons seemed to get with you, since everytime you picked whatever you were about to watch, your choice was quite predictable.

The movie I obsessed during my childhood was Lilo & Stitch (also Scooby Doo, where do you think I learned how to copy someone’s fingerprint by using pore cleanser and powder?).

As I mentioned a few items ago, I was a misfit and it played a big part on my life, being excluded from parties, playdates and games during P.E was common. It bothered me, but everything changed when we adopted my first dog, a dachshund called Xuxinha. We were Lilo & Stitch, whenever people treated me badly at school, I knew that she would be waiting for me at home.

Xuxinha passed away in 16th February 2017, and I still miss her.

  Influenced personality: It helped understand that people are douchebags, but as long as I have my dog/sister at home to hold and distract me, then nothing else matters. I learned the importance of surounding yourself with people who cares about your well-being, not caring specie, ethnicity, etc.

8 - Wonder

I don’t think this item requires a lot of text to describe why I felt influenced by it. Watch the movie and let’s sob together.

Influenced personality: Learned why appearance means nothing, and everyone goes through some struggle, so always be there for people who cares about you as much as you do about them. Also, always stand up against bullying, it may look like a joke now, but it can be the trigger for fatalities.

9 - Spotlight

I study Social Communication: Journalism, that’s what I’ve been wishing to do and want to be in the future. Even tho I decided what I wanted as my career YEARS before the release of Spotlight, it helped me define which kind of journalism I wanted to follow: Investigative.

It feels like I just made 4 out of 2+2, considering the fact that I love detective stories and would love to be a detective myself, but watching and acknowledging that all the investigation and  accusations were based on real facts, oh Ma’am, I can’t even describe the thrill consuming my mind only by imagining what it feels like to be involved journalistically in an investigation.

Influenced personality: My PASSION for investigative journalism.

10 - The Imitation Game

Last but not least: The Imitation Game.

Well, I constantly get annoyed on how biased our society is, for real, and whenever it happens I write poems and texts and protest, and piss off a bunch of people by only talking about a situation of inequality. When I first watched The Imitation Game the whole Alan Turing being castrated and killing himself because of homophobia and a VERY, I repeat, VERY narrow-minded society, it PISSED OFF THE HELL OUT OF ME, and I used this rage during a full semester of college paper works.

I named a group after Alan Turing and our semester project was basically about people being biased and killing genius because they cannot look further from their own bellybottoms. I won a “Oscar de Jornalismo”, which is the award that happens every six month in my college, prizing the best works from the semester.

It still makes me so angry to imagine what Alan Turing could had done if he lived for at least 20 more years.

Influenced personality: Well, it made me channel my rage about a situation and helped me to understand why we should discuss homophobia, racism, wars, etc, even harder now. Watching the world following the path for making the same mistakes all over again is frightening, and only history can help us.

- x-

It has potential to be a tag, so I’ll tag some people I want to know what movies inspired them. You don’t have to make a whole long ass text about your choices, just sharing is enough :)

@ohmydearmoonchild @okayycalum @emerson-moonchild @btsqualityy @theburntwaffle

#movies #cinema #hashtag #influences #personality #art #we're what we absorb #we are art #the imitation game #alan turing #spotlight #wonder #lilo & stitch #erin brockovich #the perks of being a wallflower #inglorious basterds #blackfish #the adventures of priscilla queen of the desert #spirited away