#the entire internet hates people with ocd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xxlovelynovaxx · 10 days

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I hate when people say "stop using uwu tumblerina terms like antishipper and proshipper on actual real world political issues!!!1"

Do you think the attitudes exist in a vacuum? Do you think fandom isn't one of the front lines for censorship and right wing puritanism, especially considering that people can get away with it more there precisely BECAUSE it's "just fanfiction?"

And then the both sidesing "some antis just don't want CSEM in their communities which is reasonable" and "some proshippers just don't want prudish conservativism"! Actually I've never once met a self-labeled anti who wouldn't consider someone an actual sexual predator for liking something they considered problematic. I've met proshippers that I've disagreed with on many things, even who've been shitty people, and very rarely who are proshippers in name only and aren't anti-harassment, but antis are consistent in their shittiness and also their inconsistency about what is "problematic".

This is about this btw (screenshot)

(screenshot end)

Like sorry, no you can't actually "fight the right wing puritanism plaguing the internet and legal system" without arguing with the people who've bought into it wholesale and are actively enforcing it. No, the labels don't "mean the same thing", you just think that antis completely misusing labels gives them new and valid meanings.

Also, anyone who labels someone an anti for having personal boundaries is NOT proship. This is not No True Scotsman-ing, this is the very definition of proship, which is entirely based on ship and let ship, being anti-harassment, and being anti-censorship. "Ship and let ship" also extends to letting people NOT ship something; fundamentally, proship prioritizes personal boundaries both ideologically and in practice. We encourage tagging precisely so that people can avoid stuff that crosses their boundaries, and backing out when we do stumble across something we don't like.

Unless you mean "I got called an anti because I started applying my personal boundaries to what should be allowed to be written and read". Because at that point, yes, you are an anti. You are pro-censorship based on your personal comfort in media content.

Finally, if people see you as a sexual predator for reading any kind of fiction (even if it gets you off!) that's a them problem. I'd also like to add that only actions fucking matter. Are you actually hurting vulnerable groups? No? Then you're not a bad person or a sexual predator and shouldn't be treated as such, regardless of any thoughts you have. I've dealt with fucking OCD for years, I'm not gonna condone any kind of pro-thoughtcrimes rhetoric.

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smol-grey-tea · 2 months

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Have you ever struggled with jealousy cause of your maladaptive daydreaming? I'm struggling with jealousy against a real life celebrity from my hometown living my dream life. I never thought anyone from where I'm from would be famous. But now they are & living my dream creatively. Also this person is beautiful unlike me. I'm not as talented, chronically shy & don't meet beauty standards thus I wouldn't be successful in this career. Plus my deeply religious upbringing & people pleasing wouldn't allow me to try & join. I can't even tell my parents I'm an atheist. It sucks cause only two years ago I used to pray my maladaptive daydreams would come true somehow. I literally need to find a way to stop being jealous cause this celebrity is all over the internet. I either have to drop social media or find a way to mute this celebrity on all platforms. I live on the internet cause I have zero friends. It's my daydreaming haven. Or I could just try "exposure therapy" & read the posts while 'crying' in JEALOUSY. I tried talkspace, cause I was to embarrassed to tell a therapist in person. But unfortunately for me my therapist didn't consider maladaptive daydreaming or my jealousy a serious thing. But I get an upset stomach every time I see a post of this celebrity it sucks. I hate this feeling I want to be happy for people not jealous. Especially when I know I'll never ever live out my daydreams. Usually I use celebs as an inspiration I don't know why I can't do that with this celeb...

Hi! It seems you found my blog from a post I made back when my blog was about MaDD. I do still have MaDD, even if I no longer post about it, but it's definitely definitely much easier to handle now. I used to have to pace every single day for hours at a time, so much that I would even have to pace while I was on sleepovers with my friend and would have to delay leaving my house for multiple hours for the purpose of daydreaming and pacing

You sound like you are not only struggling with the amount of daydreaming and how much time it takes out of your day, but also how it affects you emotionally and your view of your own life and such. And I know, it does suck. I did the same thing as you; I did try to wish my daydreams into existence, and at the age of 14 I tried to escape my own reality, thinking it was a simulation, thanks to the voices I heard.. I know what it's like to be so unhappy in your own reality :(

And I know how bad it feels when people don't take your experiences seriously. I tried to seek help at sixth form and when I described my MaDD as an illness similar to OCD, the counselor completely ignored the daydreaming aspect and how it affects me entirely and only focused on the compulsiveness of the pacing I do whilst daydreaming. I felt like I wasn't being listened to so I completely gave up on that. Therapists should prioritise the patient and what they want to focus on, rather than what they think is right or wrong.

It quite wrecked my education and I practically failed cuz the urge to pace was so strong I couldn't study and had to do all homework the night before. It was quite hell. It sounds like you are going thru just that.

To help you with this, I think I'd have to know a bit more about your situation and how similar it may or may not have been to my own. I'm going to assume that you still live with your parents and may still be in some kind of education, so you might still be quite young? And I don't know what country you live in, so I'm not sure what the health services are like where you live. Either way, here's my experience:

After finishing education, I tried to get a job. I managed to get about 2 and a half days into the job before having to quit because of the panic on the job being too strong. Nothing much wrong with the job itself, my brain just felt like I physically couldn't/shouldn't be doing that job

When I told the job centre about why I quit, they urged me to go to the doctor about the anxiety. It took a long while, since I'd never been to the doctor on my own before, but I finally got an appointment

I spoke to a doctor about my experiences and I've been on sertraline ever since then. On sertraline, my urges to pace/daydream still occur, but much less often and to a much tamer degree. It's a lot easier to ignore (altho it has been a while since I've gone a day without pacing 😬 my longest streak was 4 days, but my mental health has plummeted since my nan's funeral in February, so I've not been making as much of an effort to reduce pacing.... Wait, does that mean it's been like 4 months???? God..)

I think this got slightly off topic since you were actually asking me about if I experienced jealousy. I don't think I've had that experience necessarily but I do definitely relate to the experience of desperately wanting, needing that life, even if it's not even an objectively good one..

It sounds like you feel like this because of not recognising your own potential tho. If this other person from your home town can achieve it, why can't you? Even if you feel shy, I think it's still worth it to work on your skills in your own time and privacy where you feel comfortable

If fame and love is where this need is coming from tho, perhaps you could try and find love in other ways instead of looking specifically for being a celebrity? Altho, having experienced your experiences, I understand that it's not all just about the feeling the daydream gives you, it's about being in that world specifically in real life, so I understand if that advice isn't exactly helpful to you

I don't know about your specific circumstances but I highly recommend starting medication if you haven't already. It doesn't work for everyone but it has done wonders for myself and if there's a chance that you can get the same success, then it is 1000% worth it just to try. I was scared of it taking away my daydreams, and while your brain gets used to the change in hormones, things do go haywire for a bit, but then it evens out really nicely and, in my experience, my daydreams have stayed intact at least til today, so you don't have to worry about that ❤

Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have more questions. I do encourage asking myself and other MaDDers about their experiences, you'll get more help from them than from therapists imo. I don't want you to feel hopeless. I myself haven't experienced the jealousy but I am certain that you will find someone else who's had the exact same experience.

Please do not lose hope!!!! (*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ for reaching out!!!!!! There is an end to this hell, I promise you, it is out there. I know how hard it is, I promise. But it is possible to live with your daydreams and not have them make such a strong impact on your life ❤❤❤ you are worth it, please keep trying 😊 (*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ

#my post #ask #madd #actually madd #maladaptive daydreaming disorder #i can link you my Spotify music playlists if you'd like any of those..... 👀

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hussyknee · 8 months

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TW: 200th rant about the stupid "HP fans are all complicit in antisemitism and transphobia" discourse, brought to you by my OCD-induced suicidality.

I've by now become so wary of trans people and enbies on social media, especially Jewish ones. I'm like "this person is GOING to be on their Harry Potter bullshit and trigger the hell out of my OCD" and my hackles go up automatically. Then my OCD goes "haha you hate them because they're Jewish and/or trans, you're an antisemitic transphobe so they're clearly right about people who defend HP! SUFFER bitch!" Cue hell loop until my brain is flayed over anything nobody actually even said or did.

I don't even LIKE HP that much anymore, why is wanting to stop having PTSD episodes about stupid shit the thing that also dropkicks me down seven circles of hell??? It's made all the so-called "leftist" enclaves of the internet a minefield. Why are people with OCD everyone's favourite collateral when it comes to stuff shitty rich assholes do? Is it so fucking hard to stop making up thought crimes to attack people over??

It's an extra layer of horrible when the same people have no problems applying "no ethical consumption under capitalism" to stuff like Coca Cola and Nestlé products. Y'all can't possibly live without child slavery chocolate or making brown people drink Nestlé's toxic filth or anything that's subjecting Indigenous communities and people in entire Global South continents to long, lingering, horrible deaths, but this one franchise whose author royalties are funding the UK transphobic lobby is the one line that matters. Fuck all the trans people in those places I guess. Every single Global North consumer moral policing is western leftists's dehumanization of our people writ large. Fuck all of you.

#yeah i know i keep bringing this up. that's the nature of OCD #and the sheer prevalence of this rhetoric and the lack of opposition to it #sometimes it's like Im the only one speaking out #and it's because my fight and flight response is set to fight and I can't disengage #not because Im brave or something #in order to avenge the UK's trans genocide it's people like me all over the world #who can't even afford books and games #that need to be killed off first #when you're triggered into suicidality over and over because of your love for a book #that helped your child mind escape while cowering from the adults in your life #even without having paid money for anything HP related in years #how exactly are you supposed to rise above that #i've systematically lost my entire friend group to this clown circus this year #because apparently ''this thing you're doing is ableist and also making me suicidal'' is just me being lost in the fandom sauce #and not caring enough about real issues #it's no use singling out the western left anymore bc USAmerican internet hegemony means even my people take their political cues frm them #''you're being influenced by western imperialism'' went down about as well #as did ''if my wellbeing is not enough for you I literally know trans HP fans wth OCD who are suffering even worse than me''#harry potter #knee of huss #scrupulousity #pure ocd #actually ocd #western leftists #white queers

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honeyfizzly · 5 months

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Doodle of my keen eye/hot mc Mina plus some stuff about her and funfacts

Mina is an overly apolgetic and and very sensitive young women with a streak of putting others over herself. She's very socially anxious and struggles with interacting with others. The idea of big crowds make her nauseous. However, she does gain confidence online as she's able to put on a persona that's not her. She feels that online since you're never truly able to know a content creator, it means people won't be disappointed her "true self". She has keen eye because she's anxious and always over analyzing an situation, and hot because she uses fashion to cope with her anxiety an bit (if she looks her best, she feels her best).

Okay fun facts about her-

She lives in a internet Cafe and is a gamer girl (I would say Vtuber but I don't think she could afford a vtuber model)

She was really close with Vivian, which is why her death sent Mina in a downward spiral and anxiety and self doubt. Mina was always anxious, it just got much worse once her mother died.

Shes just like me aka she has ocd and is autisitic

Her and Vivian used to own an dog named "Biscuit", it's why Mina is more of an dog person than a cat person (not to say she dislikes cats).

Shes part filipina on her father's side.

She puked in the diner on day 1. While the "canon" reason is that she ate the slime, my reason is her anxiety causes nausea and very rarely vomiting. Unfortunately for her today she vomited and now she's convinced the entire town hates her.

She isn't romancing anyone, but not cause she's aro like mckenna (Mina is bi and on the ace spectrum) simply she is too stressed to even consider a relationship right now. She is good friends with Reese though.

Despite her girlfail personality, she and tabitha are somehow really close? I made this run with the intent of beinf graded "You're meek" on day 3 but Mina got "I'm grateful you're here". Maybe Mina's sopping wet cat vibes endeared tabitha.

#scarlet hollow oc #scarlet hollow #tw vomit mention

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cerastes · 2 years

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Man that autism post resonates so hard for me rn. Had a 'friend' of mine start randomly calling me an "egg" and "in denial" of being autistic because I... enjoy asmr and rock in my seat sometimes. Like straight up arguing with me over it in front of other people. It was so uncomfortable and really upset a few of our mutual autistic friends. Idk what this trend is but I hate it so much

No yeah that's outright disgusting, like it's one thing if someone autistic makes a gallow's humor post about it or not even necessarily something gallow's-ish, just, you know, talking about it, making a humorous spin on it, the works, that's totally fine, we all do it about our own life experiences. It's another thing entirely to make it into a trend or "fashion-nize" it as some sort of quirky personality trait that makes you a 'freaking awesome bean' or whatever and then do what this acquaintance of yours did, like, without even getting started with the use of 'egg' here and calling someone else an 'egg in denial', that's a whole other can of worms by itself, just going at someone with the whole "you're actually X you just don't know it yet" is incredibly irresponsible. One of my sincerely least favorite arcs of Tumblr is when this was happening to ADHD, and having to see a lot of friends reblog those posts like "oh no I identify to so many of these posts... Perhaps I Am One Of The Abnormals" like man, read the room, I'm The Abnormals, and I don't hold it against anybody, because I know for a fact that none of them meant anything negative by it nor did they mean to insult, and I know this because I know my friends, but it was a tough period of time to have a dashboard, and I can imagine anyone less secure about themselves, of their conditions, or of their online social group feeling upset or offended by it.

It's like (the most mainstream) mental health things all go through their own turn in the Trend Spotlight, and right now, it's autism, before that, it was ADHD, and many years ago, in a real Tumblr Classic, it was the whole anti-recovery stance ("um, drinking water isn't gonna help my depression, KAREN") that even some supposedly educated-ass people I personally know backed up for some reason that transmogrifies me into The Jonker for half a second before I calm down ("uhhh maybe some people had a bad time with their own therapy :(" shut the hell up and leave people making helpful little posts about stuff that's helped them alone). And even before that, it was the Wild West of people going ham self-diagnosis with absolutely everything they could, objectively the worst period, and it wasn't just self-diagnosis, it was sometimes diagnosis others, for instance, one person that shall remain politely unnamed one time responded to a vent post I made many years ago "hey those are signs of depression, you should get that checked out".

To me.

Not just an actual professional psychologist that literally does this shit for a living, but most importantly, someone they don't really know on the internet. That was one of the few times I've actually gotten so pissed I went off, because holy shit my man you can't just diagnose people like that, you may be unknowingly predisposing someone who otherwise was just having a bad day into actually developing depression, which is a thing that happens.

I'm not going to say "stop talking about my field reeee" on the contrary, mental health needs more discussion about it, but it needs to be given the proper respect a topic as weighty and sensitive as mental health deserves. Properly inform yourself and, to help with this, ask. Ask mental health professionals, ask autistic people, ask ADHD people, ask people with OCD, ask people with Schizophrenia, ask them what's up, and always keep in mind there's no universal experience. I wish these things were universal, it'd make my job much easier and life much easier for me and many more people, but it isn't the case, so tighten your pants and do your due diligence.

#And if you take an anti-recovery stance in any of my posts #that's an instant block.

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ainulindaelynn · 7 months

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[20 Question Fic Writer Tag]

Thanks for the tags, loves! @brasideios @whereforartthoumisthios

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

1, technically, as they’re all connected.

2. What is your AO3 word count?

Currently 12k-ish. I pulled a bunch down a few months ago to rework things that were half-edited and bothering me. They haven’t returned yet, but I’m optimistic.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

AO3 will tell you only AC Odyssey, but in my active drive I have WIPs for AC Valhalla, Red Dead Redemption 2 (which I need to lure more of my AC mutuals into playing... ;)), Stardew Valley, and BG3. There maaay be a few pieces I'm reworking from fanfiction.net also. Those ones are for Knights of the Old Republic, Dragon Age Origins, and maybe even a Snow White & the Huntsman (xD). As a teen I wrote a bit of LoTR and Star Wars (old republic era OCs mostly), but that's been ages.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Fewer than five posted, so I'm skipping this one!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, mostly because I know most writers love comments, so I try to reward people who take the time. Honestly, if not for that I would blind-post everything and opt out of seeing kudos/comments. I love them, but it's too easy to depend on the reassurance. I'd rather drop them into the internet abyss and interact with people who seek me out on tumblr. I’d never give up the chance to connect over them though. You all are too kind and awesome <3

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

KotOR probably. It’s about Revan recovering her memory and reconnecting with the purpose of her fall, which leads her to walk the same way again, but with more care and less hope. Also going alone, as repentance for Malak’s fate.

ACO's has an angstier storyline (Brasidas Dx), but the actual ending is long after that wraps up, so it doesn’t quite count ;)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

SDV probably. How could anyone write Shane without giving him a happy ending? That guy needs a happy ending!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not so far.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, mostly by accident. There's a lot of chemistry exposition there and I always cave to that. Probably equal parts F/F and F/M.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nope! Open to it, but my brain doesn't leap like that.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. Although if anyone wanted to take my old ideas and run with them, I' it'd save me a lot of work reconfiguring! xD I also love re-writes. Everyone picks up on different nuances and I love to see the same idea expressed different ways. Direct theft not so much.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not to my knowledge.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

When I was a young teen, but not since. My co-writer and I reconnected last year and its funny the kind of bond (and friction) that forms.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I'm not capable of answering that question. Genuinely. Pass!

15. What's a WIP you'd like to finish but doubt you ever will?

I'm happily in denial about all of them, thank you very much. Leave me and my 25 fics alone! xD

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh gosh. I've been told action, but if that's true it's entirely by luck. Writing it is like pulling teeth. I'm going to join this question with the next, because I think strengths and weaknesses are often two sides of the same, and say introspection and body language minutia, because I LOVE those, but could easily write entire chapters of that, so I'm constantly cutting that down. Blessing and a curse, ya know?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

The above, because it's to excess, but also OCD editing tendencies. I have a thing about cadence, varying paragraph and sentence-length, and (most oppressively) magnetizing my sentences. I'm not sure what the actual term for that is, but when you tie the end of one sentence to the beginning of the next with a common thought or word. We’re taught to do it with paragraphs, obviously, but on a tighter level. Every sentence. It's fun for reader fluidity, but way too much work.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have no skills for it, but as long as it's translated, I enjoy reading it!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Probably LotR. I had an OC who insisted on following two steps behind the fellowship, intersecting with them a few times. Third Age, the game, was built on the same premise, so I eventually abandoned it in lieu of that.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Imagined or written? Because the answer is different. Imagined is probably DA:O. Written is ACO, by far. I've never put so much time in on a story. Someday I'll make it cohesive enough to post! xD

I’m still emerging from my hermit cave and don’t know who’s done what, so I’m going to skip tagging this time, but I missed you all and am glad to be back(ish) 😂

#tag games #fanfiction #ainulindaelynn

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fredersen · 7 months

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i’m supposed to be working on an assignment but my mentally ill thoughts are taking over so

talked with my therapist yesterday about me possibly having OCD, the more i think back on my life the more obvious the symptoms become. like i remember when i was like 5 i used to have thoughts of horrible things happening and i would close my eyes and count backwards to prevent those things from happening, and i only realized super recently that was basically a textbook OCD compulsion/ritual. and nowadays my compulsions (if that’s what they are) are things like obsessively searching the internet for something that’ll relieve my uncertainty around something (for example, whether or not i’m a good person, whether or not my friends hate me, etc) and endlessly reviewing my memories to try and figure out if i did something horrible (which is what i just spent like 2 hours doing because my roommate’s tone of voice didn’t sound happy when she said hi to me), but it’s still the same basic thought pattern i guess - something happens, i feel uncertain about it, so i engage in mental rituals that i’m convinced will fix it (which they never really do). my thoughts honestly fill me with so much shame that i don’t even want to admit them to a professional, let alone people in my life, so i’ve basically been struggling through this almost entirely alone, but i don’t want to do that anymore, i just want to live a peaceful life without being plagued by thoughts about being a fascist or a sexual predator (both actual things i’ve worried about within the past week). thankfully my current therapist mentioned seeing if she can refer me to a specialist, i’m afraid of that because of the financial cost, not knowing how to navigate the healthcare system on my own, and not wanting to have too many diagnoses but maybe it’ll help

#okay that was long as hell i need to write my paper now lol

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nathank77 · 1 month

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4/15/24

2:17 a.m Edited/Added to 2:56 a.m

I really have to get a HDCP bypasser so I can at least enjoy playing silent hill. I really want to record it.

It motivates me to play... and I hallucinate less bc I'm talking to a camera pretending a viewer is currently watching...

Every HDCP bypasser I buy doesn't bypass HDCP and I have to return it.

I have to wait until the end of the month. Considering glasses, CBD, Kohls bc I want more than 6 pairs of socks and 12 pairs of boxers, those shoes that stole my heart and a HDCP splitter so my passion for gaming doesn't completely die...

All my campaign FPS are so methodical and the same thing over and over again... and my ocd and then the hallucination ruins everything.... what little joy I would get if my ocd isn't active gets ruined by the hallucination...

And I can't do bo4 other than for two events at this point. Hardcore Barebones Moshpit and Hardcore Nuketown. Regular TDM hardcore is all the same people and there are virtually no lobbies and my internet sucks so i just can't compete... and worse part is if I could do well in bo4 my passion would be entirely restored I'd play constantly.... but barebones moshpit is another 4 weeks from now for approximately 1 week and then it's another 4 weeks later before Nuketown for 1 week and then it's another 10 weeks before barebones moshpit....

I wish I didn't always have to worry about money to the point that I can't buy the stuff I need. A hdcp bypasser is 20$ and I would go ham playing silent hill and recording it. Otherwise it's not worth the hallucination as if I am recoding I pretend I'm talking to a viewer... it makes me hallucinate less...

I hate that glasses might as well be like a buying something for, "fun," thing. When they are like food or water.

I hate that I can't just swipe my card on glasses, on kohls and on those shoes, spend 20$ on a hdcp bypasser and just buy the cbd and not be like wait until the end of the month and see whats left so we aren't frivolous.

Not all of them are needs.. but yea. The needs are expensive. So expensive I can't buy anything else. And cbd is a need to help with my trauma... glasses really shouldn't be so fucking expensive. I need more socks. I need more boxers. I don't need shoes but I really fucking want them and I kinda do need more than 2 pairs of shoes without holes in them..

A hdcp bypasser would really help restore my passion in gaming but it isn't a need...

I hope I can make my disability appt and get that back pay. I'll still do the control arms and the sealant on my teeth but I'll have money left over for glasses.

I'll also have food stamps and the same insurance I believe I'm under the minimum still. I got to make that appt but thinking about it just stresses me out bc of my circadian rhythm and their inability to give me a later appt than 1:30...... making it a chronic issue that may be unsolvable bc I mean I may only get 3 hours of sleep and then I'll hallucinate way more bc of a lack of sleep and it makes being alive intolerable.

Everyday towards the end of the night the last say 8 hours I get so exhausted from hallucinating it makes me just want to quit. When i don't get 7 hours of sleep it just makes the whole day feel like that last 7 hours.

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lemonflowercat · 3 months

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75 soft: break day

i am so tired. and funny enough - yes, i did wake up feeling super low energy - but i am so much more tired now than i was when the day began and all i've done is mindlessly scroll through YT. it's not just me, right? everyone feels this drained and disgusting my-brain-is-a-a-sewer feeling, after consuming media for hours, right? and everyone starts to relate to the "if you do this, you probably have ADHD," posts, right? --- LOL. yeah so i reached that point, and that was my cue to unhook my thumb from my screen. let's not even get started with how i feel about people throwing around "ADHD" and "anxiety" and "OCD" and "neurodivergence" like it's the flu.

ugh, everyone out there is trying to sell something, everything is disingenuous un-original misleading and just twisted manipulative ways to hook people's attention. this is not the internet i envisioned growing up. ):

and despite feeling this way, i've been an avid consumer for 8h today. i've been a slave to my monkey brain, and now we get out of it.

today was supposed to be the day i make some crazy headway with my study goals and finish up biochemistry - which didn't happen clearly. i can't entirely pinpoint why my day fell apart, but i know exactly when - and that was right after breakfast. the same thing happened to me yesterday, and the day before. i've also been feeling really tired and yeah self-hate is peaking so these are some things i want to figure out for myself before i start a new week.

things i did that "align" with the person i'm trying to be:

this week v last week is disappointing, because the bare minimum i intended to do is be better than my previous week. but let's not dismiss the fact that i am now down to 3 relatively easy units in biochemistry. it's very hard to fight these deep failure sadness that's engulfing me rn. but push through we will.

i stuck to my calorie budget nearly 6 days this week, which is my best streak in a long time. but what i'm most happy about is that i've eaten out only once this week! which is something that was seeming impossible to do in my Goa life. i had lots of amazing nourishing meals that i am so grateful for.

morning yoga: 5x this week (including this morning's restorative yoga) and evening wxo: 5x this week.

rationally, it looks like i don't need to feel as terrible as i'm feeling. i think it's how little i've studied that my inner critic is being most judgmental about. it's also making me so anxious. i've been feeling like i have a scream trapped in my throat all day. i feel numb, and my brain keeps counting down to exam day with mounting dread. i wonder if the stress has a part to play in how tired i've been feeling. that coupled with the fact that my days get pretty exhausting, what with doing the me-things and then the home-things. like cleaning and cooking and tending to my babies (kokie and suzie). sigh it's not like i have a choice.

well...i don't know what really to do to fix this studying problem. i guess i have to be more mindful about my energy levels and figure what's really working for me. for now, one thing i've noticed is - the afternoon heat is sapping my energy. i will

remember to draw the blinds by my study corner

reserve the afternoon for chores and cooking because i've noticed i've been focusing better in the evening

hope this week is better x

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ludwigoat909 · 1 year

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Ugh I really hope I can get a diagnosis for pure ocd one day. The more I read about ocd, the more it makes me see myself in it and the more I realize how much some of the symptoms have been screwing my life. It's honestly exhausting having to try focus in class and suddenly the intruisive thoughts comes in and now I need too make an entire obssesion about it in my head telling myself "This ain't you, try thinking harder for a sec" all this for in the end not paying attention to the class. It doesn't help how this past few years I've been asking genuine questions about my sexuality. I honestly kind of blame this on social media partially as well because with how dehumanizing some people can get over serious topics, just so they can get a taste of that moral superiority complex. I honestly am thinking often about leaving the internet for good but I also don’t want too cause as much as I hate too admit that I feel like I would loose so many cool connections I’ve made here, but I’m also wondering if this is really worth it or not.

#goat rambling #please give me an ocd diagnosis I am BEGGING

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datcammi · 1 year

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About Me 2022

Hello Traveler, and welcome to my little slice of the internet. My name is Cammi, I’m a nearly 30 demigirl (AFAB; she/her or they/them). Honestly this blog is for my benefit as a place where I can work through my thoughts, as it’s easier for me to process things if I feel like I’m talking to someone. That said, this is my space and I will work in it in the ways that are most beneficial to me.

I'll update this as I think of relevant things, or things change.

Starting with some key things about myself

I'm an 'elder' emo with strong yallternative leanings. I've been identifying as emo since the early 2000s. I've been identifying as goth since the 2010s.

I'm a pagan witch and my practice is solitary. While I can appreciate the benefits of a coven, it's not for me. The things I work with are often considered taboo, dangerous, 'dark'. I am not love and light. I do not follow the Wiccan Rede. I do not believe in the so-called '3 Fold Rule'. My practice is eclectic but is based in personal experience and ancestral work. The individuals I work with and honor are minimally documented if not undocumented.

I am mentally ill/unwell and neurodivergent. I've struggled with ADHD-C my entire life and was part of a case study for what it looks like in girls in the late 90s. I was then diagnosed with BPD at 19, received a C-PTSD, OCD, and MDD diagnosis in my mid-20s, and at nearly 30 have additionally received a GAD diagnosis. Recently learned that I'm probably autistic, so tests for that will be coming soon.

I cannot remember the majority of my life before age 14 sans a small handful of things. I've recently begun remembering more through intense shadow work and different types of therapy, including hypnotherapy.

I do believe there can be benefits to medication and have been trying to find the right ones for me for the last couple years. Unfortunately I have been unmedicated since October 2022 due to negligence by my previous doctor who decided to abruptly stop filling my medication. Checked myself into an in-patient Behavioral Health Center (BHC) for nearly a week in early to mid December 2022. I got a new cocktail of meds, so we'll see how this goes.

I partake in psychedelics and identify as both a pothead and a psychonaut. I strongly believe there are great benefits to the proper use of both.

I'm a psychology student with a focus on the use of 'alternative' forms of therapy and medication, such as psychedelics, and their use in long-term growth and healing.

I'm an extrovert and love being around other people, unfortunately the feeling is rarely mutual and as a result I have spent a long time alone. I have no friends from childhood or highschool, and my online group has long since abandoned me after I chose to leave my abusive ex-husband. Now, I am overly independent, cynical, and untrusting of other's intentions. I refuse to be the only one putting in all the work again.

I pretty much constantly have music playing. I had 40,000 minutes of listening time just on Spotify in 2022. I listen to all genres and a multitude of artists.

I don't believe sex and romance are mutually exclusive. I am of the belief that the parameters of one's relationship(s) are defined by the individuals directly involved, and no one else. For some non-monogamy is what is healthy and happy for them, and for others monogamy is their thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with either, as long as the individuals are happy. I, personally, practice non-monogamy.

I love, love, love to read, write, and worldbuild. It keeps me sane, honestly, and I believe every work of fiction has a grain of truth to it.

I'm obsessed with my hair, it's like the one thing about myself that I am genuinely proud of. I do intense research on all products I use on it and do strip testing before using it on my whole head. "It'll grow back" is genuinely something I HATE hearing and makes me incredibly, intensely angry.

I do not tolerate liars, ever. Just be honest, it's not hard. If you can't be honest with someone then you don't respect them or care about them. Also, lying by omission is still lying.

I make lots of vague references to little things I've come across that give me the happy chemical.

#Just Me Again Down Here #about me #introducing myself

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lawisnotmocked · 2 years

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Hello sir. You will probably either find this deeply offensive or hilarious but lately I have an obsession with the character of Javert as I recently watched the 2012 Les Mis because “oh the memes about it back in the day were classic.” Yes I am serious sometimes I watch movies just because I liked a YTP of it. Then I find out that in addition to being perfect meme fodder, Javert has a weird one-sided (??) pseudo enemies to loves dynamic with the loaf of bread guy (I did not know his name until like three days ago to me he was always just the guy who sang “I stole a loaf of bread.”)These types of characters who give vibes like they’re lgbt, have dog or cat-like qualities, and are overly dramatic typically become my Blorbos (a similar example would be majima from RGG who’s also a crazy dog-like man who attacks his crush.) SO what I am requesting is could you please give me your crack headcanons about Javert? Like funny shit about Javert. If you have recommends for crack fics about Javert I’d appreciate it, bonus points if any of the headcanons/fics are Valvert cuz idk I just find them really funny together. Prob mostly because of the memes not gonna lie. If you could also educate me on Valjean and Javert’s mannerisms in the Brick I would be most appreciative because to be totally real with u… I’m so sorry but I don’t wanna read or watch parts that are not about him or loaf guy 😬 (ya I kno shame on me and all that…) but I need to know more about how they act so I can make hideous crack fics of my own. Thank u 🙏🐶

First of all anon how does it feel to be the funniest person on the internet this is the best ask I’ve ever received :’3

Even without crack headcanons brick Javert is just absolutely hilarious as a character?? I feel like a lot of adaptations try to take him too seriously and like yeah he does have a serious and tragic aspect to his character but he’s also a very fruity drama queen who has like 0 awareness of his surroundings, acts like a feral dog on crack and has this weird magic power that allows him to know people’s real identity no matter how well disguised they are. (I maintain that les mis does have a form of magic system in the brick but it’s more like mundane mostly useless superpowers?? Like super strength that just makes you a little bit more strong that an average person, or really good instincts or something. Anyway lol)

Some Actual Canon Facts about Javert from the brick are:

- Is implied to have the soul of a dog

- Bares all of his teeth when he smiles

- Fucking hates reading but does it anyway

- Keeps a snuffbox on him at all times and snorts snuff after he feels like an arrest has gone well

- Dissociates for a solid 5 minutes and misses the entirety of a conversation bc someone said something he didn’t agree with

- I know the ‘you need to punish me Mr Mayor’ scene is in the movie but it’s so much funnier in the brick :’3

- Accidentally sets his coat on fire by standing too close to the stove

- Announces himself to Thenardier’s criminal gang who he’s about to arrest by making a stupid joke

- Tells Thenardier that he can shoot him if he wants because the gun will just misfire. Thenardier shoots him and the gun misfires.

- Doesn’t really have any friends and his coworkers don’t like him either because he doesn’t take bribes and refuses to work with criminals to catch other criminals

- There’s an entire Code Of Symbolism in the brick thats purpose is to represent how horny Javert is, which I wrote about here along with some other Javert related stuff

This man is just a fucking disaster honestly :’3 I headcanon that’s he’s ADHD, autistic, severely depressed and probably has some form of childhood PTSD?? But I’ve also seen other people headcanon that he has BPD or OCD and honestly all of them are good hcs because he’s absolutely neurodivergent.

I absolutely understand not wanting to read the whole brick if you only care about two of the characters lol, but the Hapgood English translation of the brick is public domain so I’ve linked a couple of Javert chapters you might find funny!

Javert’s introduction | punish me mr mayor | Javert lends Marius two pistols he never gets back and burns his coat on the stove | Javert arrests Thenardier and tells him to shoot him

Brick Valjean is also a chaotic bitch but he’s less camp and more like a cryptid with PTSD. Off the top of my head he:

- Sews money into the inside of his coat when Cosette is young

- Keeps the rest of his money buried in the woods

- Accidentally convinces some townspeople that he’s the devil by sneaking around said woods

- Stuffs his pockets with wigs and disguises in case he ever needs to make a quick getaway

- Someone tries to rob him and he tackles them to the ground then lectures them on how they should let god into their heart and stop stealing

- Holds a hot poker against his arm when Thenardier tries to extort him for money to intimidate him

- He just really loves Cosette this isn’t a funny or anything he just really loves his daughter and wants the best for her

In the brick Javert also doesn’t even actively seek out Valjean?? They go years without thinking about each other then they run into each other again in the weirdest circumstances and go ‘omg not this weirdo again 🙄’

As for my own favourite crack headcanons :3c

- Modern au Javert is a furry. His fursona is a wolfdog called Orion :-)

- [NSFW] He’s unironically into vore

- He wants a fursuit very badly but he can’t afford it until he’s dating Valjean and Valjean buys him one

- Valjean doesn’t get it but he’s glad his partner is happy :-)

- [NSFW] In my ideal Javert lives modern au he quits the police, goes to therapy and joins a kink group because I think he’d thrive in that environment 😌

- Valjean has like 5 fake driver’s licenses

- Javert will literally comment on how hot he finds a man and still doesn’t realise he’s gay until he makes out with Valjean. Thinks he’s straight even though he’s never been attracted to a woman before. Is literally that unaware of his own feelings.

- Valjean has no fashion sense. He dresses so bad that it comes full circle and it looks like his outfit clashes intentionally. Cosette is horrified.

- Javert is awful to watch movies with, especially detective movies, because he talks the whole time and points out all the inaccuracies

- Valjean never makes eye contact. Javert makes too much very intense eye contact.

- No one invites them to events because they’re awful together. Javert shit talks people’s outfits or decor very loudly to Valjean and Valjean hates socialising and doesn’t want to be there

I don’t think I know any good crack fic bc I mostly just read angst lol uwu’’ but if anyone has any suggestions pls feel free to add them!! I’ll add links if I think of anything though 😌

#javert #jean valjean #valvert

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aestheticaxolotl · 3 years

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V.I.L.E Headcanons

- Graham “Crackle” Calloway grew up in the poorer slims of Sydnee Australia where his parents struggled on a day to day basis to provide food for their 4 kids, Graham, being the oldest son felt the absolute need to help his parents provide for his three younger siblings. Doubling down in school, and getting the best grades he could (B’s and low A’s) and then diving into work as soon as he got out. -Graham started with small odd jobs until he got a part time gig with a rather cranky old electrician who had no love for anyone in his life. But he took Graham on as an apprentice because the stupid kid wouldn’t leave him alone. To his chagrin, the kid took to the job like a house on fire. This became important when he joine V.I.L.E -Tigress came from a troubled home to say the least. Her mom was an alcoholic and her dad was a blue-collared working class man who would gamble and chase after his dreams while squandering all the families money She resented her parents for these reasons and acted out as much as she possibly could, whether by robbing small stores or beating up younger kids on the play ground

-She started out trying to make a quick buck to help her momma pay the bills, not because she was showing kindness to her mom, but because the land lord had threatened to kick them out one too many times, and kept making lewd comments and suggestions that even Tigress would not allow her mother to take.

-El Topo’s story isn’t the happiest, seeing as his mother moved into America when he was very young, unable to afford to bring her husband and son with her at the time. Of course, El Topo’s father was not keen on being left behind and took his 12 year old son, attempting to smuggle him into America. Sadly, this would not end well seeing as El Topo’s father was shot and killed, and he was placed in foster care, unable to contact his mother.

-El Topo got out of the Foster care system when he was 18 and was homeless for a long time. He lived on the streets in Georgia, the last place his mom was having known working. He did everything he could to find his mom and was devastated to learn that his mother had moved to New York, remarried and had a daughter.

-Le Chevre’s mother died giving birth to him in Paris, France. His father being left alone to raise their one and only son, they had married young and had a baby younger, leaving the young father devastated and entirely loving of his young son. Le Chevre’s young life was full of music and love. His father worked as a caretaker in a French Theater, working up with the lights and the set pieces. -Young Le Chevre wasn’t as fascinated with the acting as he was with being high up and above the actors, it gave him a feeling of power and meaning while his father proposed that he take lessons to play instruments for the plays. HE did for about a week to please his hard working father, but took the gold star in thievery. To this day he still leaves large amounts of money on his’s father’s doorsteps as thanks for such a wonderful upbriging.

-Dash Harber grew up with a love of fashion and the stylistic life of the rich and famous. His parents, both very wealthy and distant from him, showered their son with gifts and money for doing nothing but existing. His parents ended up sending him away at the age of 15 (At his request) to his aunt “Cookie Booker” so that he could have a better, proper upbringing.

-Through his ‘Aunt Cookie’, he met the Dear Countess Cleo, who he took a major liking to the Countess, having a childhood crush on her. Cleo found the young gentlemen quiet endearing and took him under her wing, giving him the life he had know that he’d desired at a very young age. This came to bit him in the but when he started working for V.I.L.E. His parent identifying him during a caper and he had to go into hiding for quite a while. (His parents minds were wiped after this incident, as far as they are concerned now, they never had kids).

-Paperstar’s mother was a prostitute in Japan, and gave birth to her from an unknown father. Paperstar was devoted to her mother, even if she was not devoted to her daughter. She was usually there when her mother brought a man home, covering her ears when ever, what her mother called ‘Business work’, started.

-Young Paperstar started stealing from the men who her mother brought home when she was seven, doing this for many years before one man noticed and turned both Paperstar and her mother into the police. This enraged her mother and she disowned Paperstar, leaving the girl alone and vengeful, only wanting to look out for herself. (She might have killed her mom too, I’m still thinking on that one)

-Mimebomb was born in Ireland with their twin brother. When they were young their parents moved them to France. This is where they saw their first ever Mime, their mother had stopped at a shop and 3 year old Mimebomb had wandered off and stopped to watched a man with paint on his face act on a street corner. They realized they were lost and the Mime just... Scooped them up to help them find their mom and twin brother. This REALLY enforced in them that Mimes weren’t scary or freaky. (Their WHOLE family disagrees to this to this day)

-Spoiler, Mimebomb grew obsessed with Mimes and this really worried their parents. They sent him to a Psychologist, one Professor Maelstrom who was doing freelance work. Maelstrom found the phenomena rather interesting and kept track of Mimebomb for a very long time, it was Maelstrom who brought Mimebomb to V.I.L.E and showed them what their true calling was.

-Boris and Vlad.... I don’t have much for them but what I do have is rather... Boris and Vlad grew up in a very unwelcoming community. Russia at the time was very hostile towards outsiders and while their parents (They are not related, family friends in my eyes) had both of them in Russia, they were still not well accepted by their community, often bullied and beaten bloody by other kids, who forced them to clean up the mess after they finished beating them.

-This horrible childhood instilled a rather off form of PTSD and OCD in both of them that leads them to see every mess that a V.I.L.E operative made was something they had to clean up. Somehow, it was their fault and they had to fix and clean and pretend nothing ever happened.

-Cookie Booker is the Aunt of Dash Haber, she ADORES her Nephew and spoiled him rotten when he was a child, basically taking him in when he asked her too. She took great care to raise him the best she could, never having been able to have children herself, an event that let to her husband leaving her and marrying another woman.

-Cookie was also the woman who introduced Countess Cleo to Professor Maelstorm, a very monumental occasion in V.I.L.E history.

-Neal the Eel was just Neal as a kid. His mom and dad were performers in a Circus, a Magician and his Assistant. He used to adore the circus and wanted to be part of it as a contortionist/escape artist. He was bullied for his hypermobility ( similar to double-jointedness, but if it is progressively more serious it can create more problems for someone.) Causing him to end up resenting his upbringing and parents.

When Neal was 16 he began to break IN to prisons and then BREAK BACK OUT with a TON of the criminals inside. This quickly put him on V.I.L.E’s radar and they decided that they really wanted to recruit him. They made the offer and he vowed that he would never be seen as a joke like he was with the circus.

-MooseBoy was not the brightest kid in school, often picked on for being slow or stupid when he was really just a friendly kid with dyslexia. He almost flunked out of school and would have if not for this dorky looking kid who called himself “Otter”. Thus, a tense and rather abusive friendship formed.

-Otterman was the only reason that Mooseboy was able to graduate Highschool. They were a team, he was the brains (Still is) and Mooseboy the brawn (Still is). HE hated the fact that he was smaller and weaker and really took it out on his partner. Their first crime together was breaking into the school and stealing the principal’s desk on a dare.

-Spinkick and his half sister Flytrap have the same father, and different mothers. Their father lived a double life with his paramours only six miles from one and other. This affair was discovered by their moms and the two women ended up murdering their children’s father and then (unironically) falling in love with each other.

-Flytrap and Spinkick’s mothers moved in and the two kids were forced to get along, they ended up really caring about each other and watching each other’s backs and defending each other in school. Their mother’s never got caught by the way, just think about that.

-The Troll never had friends as a kid and met all his good good friends online, including Player (Plot twist?). Player and Troll got along like peanut butter and jelly, becoming a tag team in learning to hack and work with the internet system. The Troll became invested in trying to figure out how to lock down security systems like banks or Jail facilities (Seeing as his father was put in jail for robbing a back and killing a man who tried to stop him).

-This took Player aback and he began to back away from his friendship with The Troll. This didn’t matter to The Troll, he managed to shut down the security system where his father was being kept. This ends sadly due to the fact that his father doesn’t escape, but ends up dying in the break out. This caused him to draw back from people and remain in his room for a very long time.

Thanks for reading my ramble about V.I.L.E Operatives, I’ll be posting one for the Faculty soon!

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