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75 soft: day 13
[x] morning full body stretch
slowly brining my arm back into action and getting movement ready for the week!
[x] midday wxo
picked up a 40m all standing cardio, ended up doing only 20m of it though. all standing so I don't stress my arm at all but get some fun movement in anyway.
i was feeling very dance-y today so i did this sensual dance choreography tutorial thingie i found on YT. i was far from sensual ahahahaha but it was so much fun to do! it was a 20 min tutorial to like a minute's worth of choreography, i wish it had been a longer one! also wish there was more good content like this out there ):
[] meditate
[x] study 6h: 2h
PMS energy is hitting big time. also, today's the Bengali new year and there were a lot of family phone calls to be made. can't tell if it was pure PMS or also the stress of dealing with family...ugh. i was so down today.
[x] eat healthy balanced meals, paying attention to my hunger/satiety cues
well. i didn't do that, really. my breakfast and lunch were healthy and balanced meals. but i snacked a lot in between and by the time dinner came by i was full on craving a burger and some fried chicken, so that's what i ate.
i know my food choices today were majorly driven by how low i was feeling. also, my appetite goes way up when i'm PMSing, and i can't tell if that's a physiological thing or if it's in response to the emotional lows during this time.
i guess i'm supposed to learn how to regulate my emotions better, without always relying on food as a tool. but i think a part of learning this is also accepting that food has always been a big source of comfort for me - and that's ok. i don't have to hate myself over it. i don't have to attach the heavy baggage of "i'm a fat girl who's going to get fatter" to this action, or feel like i haven't burnt enough calories to "earn" the 2000 or so calories I consumed today.
i was feeling pretty sad and exhausted yesterday, so i ate some of my favourite foods in an effort to cheer myself up. it's a way that i learned to cope when i was a kid, and ykw it actually does make me feel happier on the bad days. talk about self love, eh
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75 soft: break day
ik Saturday break days aren't the norm but I was feeling pretty tired and sleepy through the morning so I decided to make it so.
I had a fun day, quite unexpectedly hehe. I made some art through the day, took a giant post-lunch siesta and woke up feeling super refreshed. A and I headed out for poee-omelet, and then I came back and made some more art. hung out with friends in the evening, went to Hotel Maratha for dinner where I had a tiny portion of mutton biryani because I wanted to "save space" for dessert - ALANKAR MILKSHAKE.
Alankar is this super chaotic shady square in the heart of Mapusa, it's just shop after shop selling indo-chinese street food, tandoori stuff and thick shakes, fresh juice and fruit salad+ice cream variations. I love their mango milkshake and their avocado milkshake. they're super thick and filling, hence the "saving space" just because I wanted to savour my avo milkshake without feeling too stuffed.
also, koka was extra adorable today ♡ AND my arm is nearly back to normal again! ☆
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75 soft: day 12
[x] morning mobility and stretches
my arm hurts like crazy today, stretching was so painful but it made the pain tolerable after. only for a bit. I spent the whole day with my right arm flexed.
[] midday wxo
and I didn't work out.
[x] study 6h: 3h 37m
procrastinated for the most part of the morning today. this usually happens when I'm starting with a new subject. I have to figure out what's the most efficient way to study it, and I think that makes it feel unapproachable.
I could've done more in the evening but I was feeling so down with my snack intake. /sob/
[x] meditate
[x] eat healthy balanced meals until i'm just full, with no food rules
uff the trauma. I went big on my evening snack today - omelet poee, A's new favourite kappa bhaji and we split a vada pav between us because I was like I've never understood the hype over vada pav and A was like oh I've never eaten them. I knew such a big snack had enough calories to be an entire meal, but also wasn't filling enough to make me skip dinner. I was so miserable T-T Dora milaje was obsessively upset. I'd reassure every 10 min saying this is part of the whole intuitive eating process and that guilt and restricting are what caused so much damage in the first place but she'd swing right back into the dumps or start insisting that we skip dinner.
my other indulgence for the day was this creamy coffee I made with some condensed milk. we picked up condensed milk recently because I wanted to make a mango sticky rice pudding and I remembered how delicious coffee turns out with condensed milk. this was my morning snack. oh and here's the sticky rice pudding I made which we had for dessert after dinner! Dora milaje was hating me through this but ykw - I listened to my body, not her. I wasn't super hungry so I ate a roti with a bit of sabji and then had my pudding and the fulness I felt after was perfect.
I still went to bed feeling miserable and picturing myself being heavily obese T-T why is this so hard!
ofc my fat and carb intakes were insane today with all the fried snacks and condensed milk but my main meals were well balanced and so healthy and so delish tho. here's more hummus roll porn (':
in other news, food delivery app Swiggy who I absolutely hate for their capitalistic-not giving two cents about their employees-business model have slightly redeemed themselves with this cute venture!
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75 soft: day 11
[] morning yoga
skipped to sweep the place
[x] midday wxo
oomff my biceps are so sore from yesterday's upper body wxo. i did some pilates + cardio today, had to use my upper body so gingerly throughout |':
[x] meditate therapy
idk why i feel so exhausted after my therapy sessions. i never get anything done in the evening that follows, but i'm not complaining. once again, so so grateful to be able to have this opportunity. my therapist taught me this amazing anxiety management skill today T-T also so grateful to have found the right fit for me - i've heard about too many people switching around b/w therapists because they just can't seem to connect. gotta thank my dad for this, big time T-T
[x] study 6h: 2h
had therapy in place of my afternoon study sesh, and couldn't get anything done in the evening.
[x] eat healthy balanced meals while paying attention to my body's cues
i had the hummus-veggies-tofu/egg wrap for breakfast and lunch today. i'm so in love with it - how can something be so healthy and delicious and easy to put together! it's perfection.
here's today's cute family breakfast time
got super hungry after therapy, and i can't tell if it was an emotional reaction or a physical thing. but i was genuinely stomach rumbling-ly hungry. had omelet-poee for evening snack from our favourite purple cart and boy, A agrees with me - it's just getting more and more delicious by the day.
the other day when A and i were in Arambol, a foreigner came to the cart we were at and ordered an "egg burger" and since then i've never been able to look at omelet-poee in any other way haha. it's my favourite Goan snack (yes, over beef croquets and prawn rissois and vada pav ffs i don't get the hype over vada pav). poees are these cute round fluffy bread made of a batter that's traditionally fermented with toddy. the poee is slit open, an omelet is put in the middle, and chicken xacuti gravy is dribbled into it. uff so good. i like omelet-poee more than ross omelet (poee+omelet+chicken xacuti ladled over the omelet, with chicken pieces v omelet-poee where it's just the gravy, no meat) just because ross omelet is too much to be a snack, it's an entire meal by itself.
i was feeling very lazy and roll around-y in the evening but A pushed me to cook, and i'm so glad i did! 'twas a productive evening despite not studying.
things on the menu for the next couple of days: raw mango dal - so light, so sour, so summer! and soy chunk veggie chilli - not really chilli, but idk what else to call this Indo-Chinese prep with lots of soy sauce, fish sauce and ketchup. it's sweet and mildly spicy, and for me, the perfect side to my tangy mango dal.
ALSOO! soy is the most affordable lean protein source i know (my fat intake for today is by far the lowest since i started this)!!! a lot of people don't like it's texture/taste, but personally soy has always been a favourite. i'm glad A likes it too, or well - i'd force feed him ig. teehee
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75 soft: day 10
[x] morning yoga
I over estimated my ability and started off with an intermediate flow. it got too crazy for me, so I settled back on a normal range flow hahaha /sob/
[x] midday wxo
did this killer arm wxo that made me realize my left upper body is significantly stronger than my right ???? like, I don't get it, my right side is even my dominant side!
[x] meditate
[x] study 6h: 3h done
I've legit realised that it's very hard for me to sit through studying for more than 2h at a time. I keep telling myself this ik, but I actually need to do this tomorrow - manage my schedule so that I get as many 2h pockets as I can in a day.
[x] eat healthy balanced meals
healthy is questionable because I ate mango ice cream today. but yeah in a limited amount. so it still is healthy, ig. my food tracker still shows me calorie intake and there's no way I can turn it off - dear Dora milaje is losing it. but. we are going to focus on nutrients - and yea I'm still losing it. my fat intake is so high T-T I'm feeling terrible in this department today but I did eat 3 home cooked meals and instead of eating more ice cream like I wanted to, I switched to mango yogurt and I ate chia seeds today and also I really paid attention to my hunger/satiety cues.
it's also PMS time and I get pretty cranky and I can't tell if I'm craving fast food because I'm hungry or because I'm cranky.
btw here's my breakfast, which was so so good. I made a hyacinth beans hummus and something about these beans has made the hummus super creamy with a very mayo feel and look. I also added tons of garlic and it. is. the best.
today's farm bounty is this raw mango that I'm going to make dal with tomorrow ☆
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75 soft: day 9
[x] morning yoga
woke up feeling very weird today. it's this undercurrent I haven't been studying stress + am I going to get incredibly fat now that I'm not calorie counting stress. D: I was feeling terrible about my body and today's yoga helped me feel at least ready for the day.
[x] midday wxo
so did not want to do this, but I'm so glad I got on the mat. resistance band wxo + 5min of HIIT finisher.
[x] meditate
convinced A to try some yoga nidra with me but he fell asleep 2min into it lol.
[x] study 6h: 3h
I procrastinated ALL day. just the thought of sitting at my table was filling me with repulsion/dread/boredom/exhaustion. 4 pm was when I convinced myself to just sit at my table. even I'm on my phone scrolling - just sit there.
this got the ball rolling, and I made it through 3h for the day! koka kept me company ♡ and A did today's dinner prep and that was such a big help!
[x] eat balanced and healthy
today's highlights were kokie joining me for breakfast, being an absolute cutieee
a 2min chocolate mug cake I shared with A. this mug cake hack with store bought cake mix is so effective in quenching my PMS chocolate thirst ☆
a super bengali dinner which was so easy to put together, A did nearly all of it! it's comfort food at its softest mushiest delocious-est.
I just can't seem to figure out how to meet my protein goals without my fat consumption going way over board. ik ik lean protein is a thing - but lean protein sources aren't entirely affordable for me. i'm going to read more and experiment more, hopefully I'll get the hang of this.
ended the day re-watching Silence of the Lambs with A!
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75 soft: day 8
[x] morning yoga
did this very fun rhythmic flow, and it got me in such good energy! the vibe lasted for pretty much the whole day.
[x] midday wxo evening beach sunset walk
not gonna say anything, just photo dump
i feel so so thankful for my little family, and for being able to have time like this together T_T
[x] meditate
[] study 6h: didn't get any done today. i'm actually stressing under the surface at this point, but we did get a lot of things done - our housing sitch is truly settled now, in legality! and i did a lot of cleaning and organising around the house, also took out the time for this gorgeous evening and dinner with friends. so yeah, still productive - but i hope to study again soon.
[x] eat nutrient focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full
i got my meal prep done for the next 3-4 days today! i'm so happy, it's guaranteed nutritious food.
- i made a lentil dosa batter, mint coconut chutney, and sprouted green moong - that'll be breakfast for at least 3 days now.
-lunch is my favourite ever Bengali mustard fish curry and the bathua leaf curry and raw mango salad
- A and i are on the opposite ends of the dessert spectrum. dessert craving hit us both post lunch today, and we both made ourselves chikkoo milkshake. mine was a rich dark chocolate version while his is a vanilla ice cream blend.
- we hung out with our friends for a quick dinner - M was feeling "meaty" so we went to Oppa's for some steak. A and i split a beef steak w mashed potatoes and a chicken stroganoff w French fries. dessert was a mango shake.
i loved today!
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75 soft: day 7
[x] morning yoga
i woke up feeling terrible about my body, and even yoga couldn't shake off the insecurity. in the spirit of acceptance and gratitude for what i have, i photographed myself as an act of self love. here's some me
[x] midday wxo
did a v fun animal flow/primal movement wxo! without even trying, it truly felt like play and not about perfecting the movement/how many reps i get in.
[x] meditate
[x] study 6h: 3h
didn't get much studying done, but i'm letting this week go by. i feel really weird emotionally and if a break is what my brain is feeling like, i'll give it to her.
[x] eat nutrient focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full
not counting calories is freeing and terrifying at the same time. i'm still using my meal tracker - but instead of using it as a log of calories consumed, i've decided to use it as a meal planning tool, to make sure i'm getting my macros in.
today i ate
- a spinach and cheese omelet for breakfast
- mango lassi for my morning snack
- lunch was disproportionately delicious to the time it took to put together: stir fried veg, boiled noods, a blended sauce of peanut butter, tahini, tofu, garlic, soy sauce and chili flakes, topped with a fried egg
- in the evening A and i tried out this new chai place that's opened nearby: masala chai, some chicken popcorn and half a grilled veg sandwich. verdict: overpriced chain store, would not do it again (except maybe for the masala chai)
- A and i fought during dinner time but that didn't stop me from enjoying my chicken masala takeaway with a homemade roti and a chikkoo milkshake
75 soft: break day
lemonflowercat from a few days back would call today a "cheat day" - and that's a concep i've decided to throw out the window.
i was a big proponent of cheat days - believing them to be a day that "fires up" my metabolism and gives me a break from restrictive eating so that the urge to binge doesn't build up. but when i look back at it now, i think these cheat days have done me more damage than harm.
first off, i'm questioning the concept of a cheat day doing anything for your metabolism. BMR isn't something that changes drastically over a day, it's a state of homeostasis that the body settles down on based on what i'm doing most days. which, when calorie restricting, is limiting the amount of fuel i'm giving my body - so naturally, my BMR slows down to conserve energy.
things that i can do to boost my metabolism are:
- build muscle, stay active
- eat more protein because digesting requires more energy
- eat to support my gut microbiome by eating variety of whole foods over processed foods, and making pre- and pro-biotics a priority
- supporting my hormone levels by sleeping well, having a regular meal schedule, making sure i'm getting necessary vitamins and minerals from my diet (NOT FROM SUPPLEMENTS - but let's save that for another time) and movement
at least for me, cheat days haven't helped at all in stopping me from bingeing - in fact, it's the contrary. by telling myself i can indulge guilt-free on one day a week/on a special occasion, i've fueled the food scarcity mentality in me - making me feel out of control around indulgence and treats.
i have to finish that bag of chips on said cheat day, i have to stuff myself with as much of my favourite high calorie meals all in one day. and if, god forbid, i end up indulging in one of these treats on a day that's not "a cheat day", well - the whole day has to be a cheat day now, doesn't it? because such food is only eaten on cheat days! - also the guilt when i slip up this way. oof. the guilt is enough to set me off on another week of bingeing.
by deciding to rid myself of this concept all together, i've now freed myself to eat whatever i want, whenever i want. just knowing i can do this makes me feel so relaxed around triggering foods too - i know i can eat chips any time i feel like it, so i don't have to finish this bag right away. i know we can order in fried chicken and burgers any time i feel like it, so i don't need to fit it into my cheat day along with puri bhaji for breakfast, a fish thali for lunch, a mirchi pav for evening snack and a chocolate pastry for dessert post dinner. if i've eaten an ice cream in the afternoon because it was so hot, i haven't "fallen off the wagon" and now need to eat biryani and kabab for dinner.
and most importantly, i don't feel like an absolute shitty gluttonous person for just. eating. a food. i like.
anyway - that's the end of my tirade. i had a v cute day! i started with some yoga, and then made myself some French toast with strawberry compote.
lunch was leftover chicken masala, mango salad, roti and this amazing new leaf i discovered - so the other day, while at the market, i noticed some greens i've never eaten before, and i bought them. i boiled them and blended them, because i think it's one of the best ways to really get acquainted with the individual unique flavour of veggies. and omg i absolutely love it! i've never had anything like it before - it's sour, bitter, but also kinda umami? it's so good, i think it's going to go really well in dal and i can't wait to make that next week.
i didn't study today, although i did intend to. A was home early from work and we just spent time fixing our fight. hehe. i love him :3 we got a lot of random chores done together and then my friends came over in the evening. we spent our time woodcutttingg 'TWAS SO FUN! although i picked a v intricate design without realising how my noob at this art form-self is going to have such a hard time carving it out. i hope i finish it tho. :')
then we went out for dinner to this chotu Marathi restaurant nearby. all of their food is SO spicy (true Marathi style), but also so good. here's my chicken thali. the white thing in the bowl is my absolute favourite - it's chicken rassa, basically a lightly spiced bone broth. this was the first time i had it, and um can't wait to make this at home! such a summer dish.
also ate some ice cream and went to bed happy and feeling loved.
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acceptance and commitment
//feeling so self-sabotage-y//
the past 4 days have been supremely unproductive. we had to deal with a stressful housing situation and my back pain had me wincing while doing anything but lying supine in bed. thankfully, both of these things got sorted out on Wednesday (i am so so grateful it's all settled down, especially our housing sitch). yesterday was supposed to be the day i get back on track but i made the horrible decision to weigh myself in the morning - and that triggered a landslide of self-hate and misery that had me non-functional for the rest of the day.
currently, it's Friday morning - a week has gone by and i've done nothing. i feel disgusted with myself, my body, my inability to compartmentalize and prioritize - the self-judgement is so strong, it's making me want to numb myself with instant gratification. i am not looking forward to my day, i don't want to do anything.
so here's some acceptance:
stress puts me in freeze mode.
guilting myself over things i haven't done, apprehension over my prolonging to-do list make me want to avoid these things even more.
i find it difficult to stay motivated and consistent after working hard for about a week. it gets exhausting to exercise, control my diet, and do chores - all squeezed into my study breaks. i get about an hour in a day to relax and do other things that i enjoy, and i think that might be the reason why i feel so crazy by the end of a productive week.
once a stressor is resolved, i need some mental health time to process things, clear my mind, and get back in the zone. writing, yoga and meditating are my favourite ways to process things.
academic success is the only time my parents expressed their appreciation for me through a childhood where i was unseen and felt unloved/unwanted for the most part.
my hyper-intense focus on how fat i am makes it hard for me to feel confident in my skin.
i eat more when i'm stressed. i eat more when i'm sad. i eat more when i'm happy and want to celebrate. i think about food often - i enjoy meal planning, i enjoy cooking. i love experimenting with new cuisines, trying out new restaurants, and eating at the really good ones. i'm a picky eater in the sense that i want to eat food that's skillfully cooked and tastes really good.
i'm often bored of the food i cook at home, or too tired to put a good tasting meal together for us. and since A can't cook, we end up eating out.
my mother in grained in me this dysfunctional system of food scarcity: she labelled foods and heavily restricted the bad ones. these restrictions only applied to us, while she herself would freely eat said "bad" foods from the hidden secret stash. she conditioned us into believing that eating out = stuffing yourself to the fullest (my brother would often throw up by the time we got to dessert at a buffet, and then continue to eat - and this was something my mother would laugh at) and this is a pattern i'm struggling so hard to break out of now - treating a restaurant meal like any other meal: one that is balanced and just enough to keep me energized and make me feel good after.
Bengali culture is very food centric - i think this is where my snobby palate and passion for food were nurtured, while also being the setting where my dysfunctional eating took root.
i've been a fat girl since i was a baby. all my life, there isn't a single moment when i wasn't fat - i often wonder if being big is natural to me. i am also a big boned 5' 7" girl (tall, by Indian standards).
my mother fat shamed me throughout - and continues to do so. she has also often stated that i'm unattractive - beliefs that have permeated in me.
i have also been made to feel unattractive and unwanted by people because of my fat. i have sometimes been the butt of fat girl jokes among my friends.
my childhood was a very dysfunctional one - something that therapy has been helping me come to terms with. in fact, until my therapist confirmed it, i wasn't even sure if it really was dysfunctional or if i was just being a drama queen.
amidst the lack of security in my childhood, food became one of my biggest sources of comfort. i have memories from a very young age of stealing food from my mother's "secret stash", especially when i was home alone. as i hit my teenage years, i began obsessively bingeing and purging at the first chance i could get. the guilt i feel over this i overwhelming.
food has a huge impact on me emotionally.
i have cycled in and out of restrictive diets in order to lose weight. the longest i've been able to stick to one is for about 15 months.
especially because i study medicine, the health repercussions of being overweight are a huge source of anxiety for me.
i actually truly love working out, curating healthy meals for myself and studying - my ability to do all of this heavily depends on my emotional state and energy levels. especially so because i have major all-or-nothing mentality - i want it all to go perfectly, down to the right time like a (not Indian) train schedule - and a small thing amiss makes me feel like a failure. then i hole up in freeze for the rest of the day.
i accept that i am all of this - and it isn't good or bad. it just is. i spend so much time trying to align with who i want to be, i forget to align with who i already am. i accept that, among all these beliefs, there are many that serve me and many that are ok to let go off. i accept that navigating through this will take time, there is so much to unlearn and learn. i accept that, at the end of this road or any road - there is no assured happiness to find. assured happiness and satisfaction with the self does not exist. no matter what i become, there will never be a future where i'm not striving to change something around me/in myself for the "better". and that's why - all these "goals" that i set for myself needn't feel so heavy and do-or-die. i accept that the burden of the future is one that i can take off my shoulders and set down. that doesn't mean giving up on my future all together - it means sailing, with no pressure, in the general direction of things that add meaning to my life.
with this acceptance, i commit to things that make me happy now:
studying, as much as i can, every day. i love the mental workout of studying and also can we take a moment to really appreciate what a magical science medicine is (': - studying also makes me happy now because it brings me closer to starting my MD, and i am so excited to be back in the hospital, furthering my journey as a doctor + researcher.
i know that focusing is hard after 2h - i can work with this and schedule my study hours such that i get a good break after this.
morning yoga and
meditating
both of these soothe my soul. they make me slow down and be present in each tiny passing second. they make me more observant and appreciative of the self and the world, more intentional with my choices and actions. they make my life richer, softer, more open and accepting, and deeply calm.
eat what is best for my body
i am attempting to do something that feels very scary to me: stop calorie counting *alarm bells go off in my head* hehe :'|
i don't think emphasizing on the numbers is serving me. i want my relationship with food to be centered around the nutrients in it, what it does for my body, how it makes me feel, being a conscious consumer, and exploring different cultures through cuisine.
this is going to be a learning curve - one where i am aware that i may gain weight - and as scary as that is, it's ok. i'll learn a lot, i'll figure out a system for myself through this, and i'll make sure my body is getting what makes her energetic, healthy and happy - because that really is all that food should be giving me.
workout for the joy it gives me to see my body getting stronger, faster and more flexible. for knowing that i'm taking care of my heart, my joints and muscles. for the ditzy of endorphins. and for the joy in the sheer act of movement.
i commit to my 75 soft, this time with 3 changes:
i don't have to start over if i break a streak. i just celebrate my longest streak.
i don't have to hit every goal every day. they're just a framework of things i'd like to get done each day
and the biggest, scariest of them all:
[] 1400 kcal eat nutrient-focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full
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KOKOBOT - The Airbnb-Owned Tech Startup - Data Mining Tumblr Users' Mental Health Crises for "Content"
I got this message from a bot, and honestly? If I was a bit younger and not such a jaded bitch with a career in tech, I might have given it an honest try. I spent plenty of time in a tough situation without access to any mental health resources as a teen, and would have been sucked right in.
Chatting right from your phone, and being connected with people who can help you? Sounds nice. Especially if you believe the testimonials they spam you with (tw suicide / self harm mention in below images)
But I was getting a weird feeling, so I went to read the legalese.
I couldn't even get through the fine-print it asked me to read and agree to, without it spamming the hell out of me. Almost like they expect people to just hit Yes? But I'm glad I stopped to read, because:
What you say on there won't be confidential. (And for context, I tried it out and the things people were looking for help with? I didn't even feel comfortable sharing here as examples, it was all so deeply personal and painful)
Also, what you say on there? Is now...
Koko's intellectual property - giving them the right to use it in any way they see fit, including
Publicly performing or displaying your "content" (also known as your mental health crisis) in any media format and in any media channel without limitation
Do this indefinitely after you end your account with them
Sell / share this "content" with other businesses
Any harm you come to using Koko? That's on you.
And Koko won't take responsibility for anything someone says to you on there (which is bleak when people are using it to spread Christianity to people in crisis)
I was curious about their business model. They're a venture-capitol based tech startup, owned by Airbnb, the famous mental health professionals with a focus on ethical business practices./s They're also begging for donations despite having already been given 2.5 million dollars in research funding. (If you want a deep dive on why people throw crazy money at tech startups, see my other post here)
They also use the data they gather from users to conduct research and publish papers. I didn't find them too interesting - other than as a good case study of "People tend to find what they are financially incentivized to find". Predictably, Koko found that Kokobot was beneficial to its users.
So yeah, being a dumbass with too much curiosity, I decided to use the Airbnb-owned Data-Mining Mental Health Chatline anyway. And if you thought it was dangerous sounding from the disclaimers? Somehow it got worse.
(trigger warning / discussions of child abuse / sexual abuse / suicide / violence below the cut - please don't read if you're not in a good place to hear about negligence around pretty horrific topics.)
I first messed around with the available options, but then I asked it about something obviously concerning, saying I had a gun and was going to shoot myself. It responded... Poorly. Imagine the vibes of trying to cancel Comcast, when you're suicidal.
Anyway, I tried again to ask for help about something else that would be concerning enough for any responsible company to flag. School was one of their main options, which seems irresponsible - do you really think a child in crisis would read that contract?
I told it about a teacher at school trying to "be my boyfriend", and it immediately suggested I help someone else while I wait for help. I was honestly concerned that it wasn't flagged before connecting. Especially when I realized it was connecting me to children.
I first got someone who seemed to be a child in an abusive home. (Censored for their privacy.) I declined to talk to them because despite being an adult and in an OK mental place - I knew I'm not equipped to counsel a kid through that. If my act of being another kid in crisis was real? Holy shit.
Remember- if my BS was true, that kid would be being "helped" by an actively suicidal kid who's also being groomed by a teacher. Their pipeline for "helpers" is the same group of people looking for help.
I skipped a number of messages, and they mostly seemed to be written by children and young adults with nowhere else to turn. Plus one scary one from an adult whose "problem" was worrying that they'd been inappropriate with a female student, asking her to pull her skirt down "a little" in front of the class. Koko paired this person with someone reporting that they were a child being groomed by a teacher. Extremely dangerous, and if this was an episode of Black Mirror? I'd say it was a little too on the nose to be believable.
I also didn't get the option to get help without being asked... Er... Harassed... to help others. If I declined, I'd get the next request for help, and the next. If I ignored it, I got spammed by the "We lost you there!" messages, asking if I'd like to pick up where I left off, seeing others' often triggering messages while waiting for help, including seriously homophobic shit. I was going into this as an experiment, starting from a good mental place, and being an adult with coping skills from an actual therapist, and I still felt triggered by a lot of what I read. I can't imagine the experience someone actually in crisis would be having.
My message was starting to feel mild in comparison to what some people were sharing - but despite that I was feeling very uneasy about my message being shown to children. There didn't seem to be a way to take it back either.
Then I got a reply about my issue. It was very kind and well meaning, but VERY horrifying. Because it seemed to be written by a child, or someone too young to understand that "Do have feelings for the teacher who's grooming you? If you don't, you should go talk to him." Is probably THE most dangerous advice possible.
Not judging the author - I get the impression they're probably a child seeking help themselves and honestly feel horribly guilty my BS got sent to a young person and they wanted to reply. Because WTF. No kid should be in that position to answer my fucked up question or any of the others like it.
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Anyway, what can you do if this concerns you, or you've had a difficult experience on Koko, with no support from them or Tumblr?
Get on their LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/company/kokocares/) and comment on their posts! You may also want to tag the company's co-founders in your comments - their accounts are listed on the company page.
There's no way to reach support through chat, and commenting on a company's LinkedIn posts / tagging the people responsible is the best way to get a quick response to a sensitive issue - as their investors and research funders follow those posts, and companies take it seriously if safety issues are brought up in front of the people giving them millions of dollars.
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75 soft: day 6
[x] morning yoga
30m full body stretch
I have this weird ache down the side of my torso - wondering if it's the Copenhagen lift-hold from yesterday? or maybe side plank? hurrrts
[x] midday wxo
20m HIIT tabata
[x] meditate
[x] study 6h: 4h 45m
I was sick in the evening and the back pain intensified to an unbearable degree.
[] 1400 kcal
too sick to cook, got takeout
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75 soft: day 5
[x] morning yoga
upper body+core work. got to work on my crow asana ☆
[x] midday wxo
leg day D: was so pooped after, 'twas greattt
[x] meditate
[x] study 6h: 4h 45m
here's my afternoon study sesh ft. Koka, green tea and watermelon
could've gotten more done, but an important lesson was learnt today - i have trouble saying no to people, and this is something I need to do more often. i think my friends at least will respect my boundaries - maybe they won't understand it entirely, but I'm not obligated to make them understand.
[x] 1400 kcal
was craving protein today so I had some grilled chicken and the MOST DELISH mango milkshake for dinner. MANGO SEASON INCOMING ♡ - literally my only favourite thing about summer is the fruits: watermelon, mango, litchi. also today's farm bounty that Uncle Benji shared w us:
this is the roundest watermelon I've ever seen hehe
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75 soft: day 4
[x] morning yoga
hip & hamstring ♡
[x] midday wxo
did this in the evening today and yea - bad decision. the afternoons are so hot, just existing had me so tired by evening - i only made it halfway through a wxo. i showed up tho! i'm glad (:
[x] meditate
[x] study 6h: 4h 30m
was feeling v tired. been getting super saturated by the time i hit the 4h mark these days, but i'm hoping this is just the process of improving focus-stamina.
[x] eat 1400kcal
here's my v yum lunch!
my mum made a lot of non-Bengali food too actually, and i think it's because, growing up, they moved around North India a lot and my grandmother picked up recipes from around there. kadhi-chawal is my absolute fav - i made some methi pakodas and they were so good. methi+curd is a match made in heaven. also love that this is a curd based curry, making it summer-perfect.
Koka joined me for my post lunch nap today ♡
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75 soft: day 3
[x] morning yoga walk
went for a pretty morning walk w A and suzie-boo ♡
[x] midday wxo: 45m glutes training
[x] meditate
[] study 6h: only got 2h done today. had an intense therapy session that left me feeling very drained. also kinda got forced into social time - I really wasn't feeling it but A was. why do I let myself get pulled into these things T-T i didn't even have a good time.
[x] eat 1400kcal - went over by 200 but I'll give myself this again for good self control despite being at Goan taverna
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75 soft: day 2
[x] morning mobility
[x] midday wxo: yoga
i usually follow up a full body day w yoga & mobility - makes me feel ready for the isolated wxos that are to come during the week. which is why i did 30m mobility in the morning so i could do 60m of yoga at noon. 'TWAS GREAT FUN <3
[x] meditate
[x] study 6h today: 4h 40m
[x] eat 1400 kcal: 1452 kcal
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75 soft: day 1
[x] morning yoga
30m full body and after 1 week of not being potato-on-the-couch, it kinda amazes me how stiff my muscles get. lovvved the stretch
[x] meditate
[x] midday wxo: full body strength + 12m HIIT
30m resistance band + 12m tabata
i was sobbing halfway through my wxo - yes, picture streaming tears as i struggling through front raises (my chest+upper body in general is v weak and i can barely get my front raise halfway up). this big wave of "my struggles never get rewarded" hit me. even post wxo endorphins can't save me from the sadness I'm feeling T-T
[] study 6h
okkkke I spiraled. I looked at the calendar, did the math on where my scores are rn and where they need to get by June and compared the no. of days I have vs the no. of things I need to get done and yea that was running in my mind when I had mid-wxo break down. and then I really broke down.
but by the end of the day i did come up with a plan to tackle this mountain of stuff i need to get done. reminder to myself: when faced with overwhelm, always break things down!
[x] eat 1400kcal
i loved my lunch today - spinach dal, stir fried cauliflower, toasted tofu and roti. i love meals that aren't spice heavy because you can really appreciate the flavour of individual ingredients. also it's the perfect palate for summer heat!
so i actually went above my limit - i ate 1670 kcal, BUT i'm gonna give myself this because i exercised great self control while A and i went on a cute impromptu date.
it was in Camurlim, a v pretty village by the Chapora river. we watched the full moon rise and then went to a tavern run by the sweetest Goan uncle (he put out his speaker and played this 90s love songs playlist for us [think Bryan Adams, Whitney Houston], saying "this is for you two" ahahaha so wholesome (':). we drank urrak, had squid, lepo and ross omelet while watching IPL (RCB v PBKS) lol. but mostly talked.
my heart is full ♡
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75 soft (attempt 5): day 0
//getting in the zone//
[x] yoga every morning x20m
[] midday wxo
<period break>
[] 1400 kcal/day x6/week: ate 1716
went over but I felt very balanced in that I indulged (had some delicious iftaar snacks and an ice cream to beat the heat) while being mindful (ate 3 home-cooked meals after ages!). i want more cheat days to be this way ♡
[] meditate once
[x] study just a little today: 3h of finishing all my leftover biochemistry qbank modules. this little tick is so satisfyingggg
got my backlog of chores done - most importantly, meal prep ☆ such a relief because now I'm more likely to stick to calorie budget (':
the worst part of PMS for me is the lack of motivation to do absolutely anything. it's day 3 of period now and I'm so glad PMS is over! this one wasn't as productive as last time - also it's been a pretty turbulent month for me internally. I'm super excited about the full moon tonight + incoming post-PMS clarity...I can feel it already ☆ I love that my cycle syncs with the moon hehe. are post-period downloads a thing for all women?
I listened to this today while cooking
especially in the Indian context, this really hits home. I've witnessed firsthand financial disadvantage caging my mother in a life she despises. this goes on to impact my father also because patriarchal society dictates that it's his duty to be the provider of the family, binding him too. growing up in a home like this, financial independence has always been a non-negotiable goal for me, especially because I'm a woman. but what I love about this episode that it reminds me that just that girl-boss goal isn't enough - it's still subservient to a capitalistic society. it makes me dream of a world with fluid gender roles and taking the "romantic couple" based nuclear families out of the box and expanding into a more communal life.
anyway - today was a good goood reset day. here's to what's to come ☆
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