#the burden of yesterday

[sapphicsandscience]

#the burden of yesterday #susan lewis #er #kerry weaver #er fanfiction #kerry x susan

[darkcreamz95]

You know what, thank god the UM karaoke with Jan, Nace, Kris and Jure happened a day after my physical job interview because imagine the struggle to keep it together during the interview after watching that.

#joker out #personal #thank god guys thank god #honestly i would consider this as a big reward for getting through yesterday's interview #but yeah imagine the burden i would have to carry #like trying to avoid humming umazane misli while attending the interview physically at the office

[certainmaybe]

Because you don't care

It had been a good month since Supervillain had won. Almost the same amount of time since their team had fallen apart. From what Second in Command heard, the others had more or less kept in contact. They were a family after all. More than colleagues. Friends. And then there was Second in Command, the ever opposing force who had made every single one of them lose their temper at least once. 

Had they hoped one of the others might contact them? Maybe. Were they better off alone? Definitely.

So it had been a good month since that. And then, in the middle of the night, Leader called.

“What the hell to you want?” Second in Command bit in to the phone with all the annoyance they could bring up when less then a second ago they had been sleeping.

“Second in Command,” Leader said. Their voice was distorted by the phone.

“If you tell me this is the wrong number I swear to god I’m going to kill you.”

“Funny. Because that’s kind of why I called.”

“You want me to kill you?”

“I want you to stop me from killing myself.” Suddenly the room was upside down. And then it was right again, but Second in Command was the wrong way round. They were sitting straight, feeling cold all over.

“This is a joke, right?”

“I’m afraid not. I- I have a gun, and I just- Second in Command it would be so easy. And I know it is selfish, I know the others need me, but I can’t fix this. I can’t fix anything.”

“Okay,” said Second in command, because what else were they supposed to say. Their mouth felt dry. “What do you need me to do?”

There was a horrifyingly long break before Leader spoke again. “Just stay on the phone with me? Talk to me, try to distract me, so I can stop thinking about… this.”

“Distract you? Okay, I- where are you now? It sounds like you are outside, are you outside?”

“Do you remember the skyscraper?”

“There are like a million skyscrapers in this city.”

“You are right, sorry. The one where-”

“I know, Leader, I am on my way.” Second in Command didn’t even bother getting dressed, they walked out in their pajamas, jogging to their cars. Of course only one of them could fly.

“You don’t need to- I know I am already asking a lot of you, calling in the middle of the night. Making you come here would just be selfish. If you can just stay on the phone with me I think I can make it.”

“Well guess what, you don’t get to tell me what to do any more, I quit, remember?” The car was finally starting and Second in Command knew that they were fucking this up. What Leader needed now, well, Second in Command had no idea, but it certainly wasn’t fighting with the one person they had fought with for years.

“Okay, you want a distraction. Tell me about your day. What did you do?”

“Not much. Nothing that would be worth talking about.”

“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it, tell me what the fuck you did.”

“I visited Sunshine. They haven’t been taking it well, they… they don’t really eat any more, I think, unless I make them, so I try to visit at least two times a day. So I visited them for breakfast. And then I tried to get Hero to go out. They have locked himself into what is left of our base, they are convinced they can still defeat Supervillain somehow. I have been trying to slowly break it to them that there is just no hope, but they are- well, they are grieving. Then the police called because of Fighter, they got into another fight. So I bailed them out. Then I visited Sunshine again, and then I drove Scientist home from the bar-  they have started drinking again, I’m trying to get them clean but there is no talking to them. And then- well, then I called you.”

“So during your whole day, during which you spent time with four people who love you dearly, not once did it occur to you to talk to them?”

“They need me to be strong right now. If they saw me like this- I couldn’t do that to them.”

“But you can do it to me, typical.”

“Well you don’t care about me. It wouldn’t hurt you, even if I killed myself. That’s what I always admired about you, how you manage to keep your distance from everything.”

“Fuck you.” Second in Command was standing in front of the skyscraper. 20 fucking levels. They didn’t even glance at the elevator before starting to jog up the stairs. “You think I don’t fucking care? What, just because I don’t make a speech about how much I love you all every time somebody gets a paper cut? You really just saw somebody with a hard childhood and an attachment disorder and decided that they couldn’t possibly care about anybody or anything. Well guess what, I do fucking care. I care so fucking much that I am going to strangle you my self for doing this, so don’t you dare kill your self before I get to you. I don’t care, you absolute prick. I’m sorry we don’t all get hugged by our parents.”

“I am so sorry, Second in Command, I shouldn’t have called. I should have asked how you are doing, this must have been just as hard for you-”

“Shut up you self sacrificing prick. I knew from the beginning this was going to blow up in out face, I told you so, I am fine. I am angry as fuck at all of you for not listening to me earlyer, especially you, but I already told you that. If I have a problem, you will know it.”

Second in Command was out of breath. They were also finally on the roof, where Leader stood, with such an expression of deep despair and acute horror on their face that Second in Command couldn’t do anything but ignore it.

“And now give me the fucking gun or I will take it from you.” Leaders hand was shaking badly as they did as told. The moment it was out of their hand they sank down on the floor, shaking.

For a few moments Second in Command thought about what to do. They really weren’t the person to turn to for comfort. Nobody had ever asked them to either.

“Fuck it,” they said out loud, opening their contact list and clicking on one of the first numbers.

“What are you doing?” Leader asked, still shaking on the floor.

“Calling Sunshine.”

“No, no, they can’t-”

“Well, I can’t either.” It took a while for Sunshine to answer. But they did, sounding like they had been crying.

“Second in Command?”

“The Skyscraper. Leader needs you. And bring food, I’m going to call the others.”

“Don’t, they don’t need-”

“Yes, they do need to see this. You all need to get your shit together, and from what I have seen so far you sentimental idiots need to actually get together to do that.”

Scientist was the next one on the list.

“Are you sober?” Second in Command asked without any prelude. 

“No,” was the resigned answer. “What do you want?”

“Leader needs help, so I am calling a family meeting. Skyscraper, now, get yourself a taxi, if I catch you with a bottle I will kill you with it.”

“Since when do you call family meetings?”

“Since nobody else is stepping up. Now stop arguing and get our ass here now.”

The call ended with a click. Second in Command made an attempt to call Fighter, but as expected, they were in prison again. So Hero it was.

“Second in Command, what do you know?”

“I know that you have a problem, but right now Leader needs you more. Skyscraper, right now, and get Fighter out of jail first.”

“What do you mean Leader needs me, I just talked to them, they are fine.”

“No they are not, they are a filthy liar.”

“Shit. I’ll be there. Are they okay?” Second in Command looked down at the figure, still shaking on the floor.

“I don’t know.”

“I’m coming.”

And that was that. It was scarily silent on the roof, with the sound of cars in the far distance.

Scientist came first. They looked rough and smelled of puke. They took barely a second to look at Second in Command before they stumbled to Leader.

“What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt? You don’t look okay, and if Second in Command called me- remember when I broke my leg and they told me to walk it off? If they called me to help you there is no way this is fine.”

“I’m sorry I let you down,” Second in Command heard Leader say. After that they decided to tune out.

The next person was Sunshine, carrying bags of take out. They looked thinner, dark circles under their eyes, but the way they immediately softened upon seeing Leader on the floor was familiar.

“Hey,” they said, sitting down next to Leader. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Second in Command starred out into the city, feeling like a stranger in somebody else's home.

And then, finally, Hero and Fighter arrived. The door hadn’t even closed behind them before Second in Command pulled it open again.

“Where are you going?” asked Fighter, the last person still standing.

“Away. This is family business.”

“Exactly. You should be here.”

“I’m not part of the family.”

“Of course you are. You are the fucked up uncle from dads side who lives in a trailer and gives the children cigarettes.”

“That’s very specific.”

“And true.”

After a moment of silence Second in Command let the door fall close again. “Aren’t you going to go to them?”

“I’m afraid,” Fighter admitted. “Can I just stay with you for now?”

“It’s a free country.”

“Can I have a cigarette?" 

“Absolutely not.”

“Damn it.”

#tw suicide #emotional whump #heroes and villains #heroxvillain #villain #snippet #hero #hurt/comfort #hurt/hurt #angst #I had a kind of bad suicidal episode yesterday and apparently writing this is my way of coping #I hope you are in the right frame of mind when reading this #don't kill your self #I promise you are worth it to fight for your life even if you might need to burden other people anything is better than loosing you #There are still sunsets to see and songs to sing and even if it doesn't feel like it now one day those things will make you feel joy again #And that little bit of joy is worth it as well #My rant is over now

[zarovich]

pretty sure things from my past fucked me up so bad that nobody will love me. and even if they do, deep down ill still be afraid they may be lying

#personal #platonic or romantic. im too fucked up for a human to love me. animals do but thats different animals are easier for me to understand #i mean animals dont look at me in digust for being covered in scar tissue cuz cutting myself is the only way i can keep myself alive #or look at me with pity. to them im just a big creature even the wild animals who run away. theyre just scared i understand cuz i am too #i often feel like i am a feral animal. idk how to socialize i isolated myself so bad that everything isay seems wrong and foreign #im losing time lately too. ill realize days have past and i dont remember much of the on between this happens often and its bothers me #idont remember making that post yesterday at all my brain is like perpetually foggy #i feel as if i shouldnt talk about this tbh like even just on my own blog i feel like a burden and everyone wants me dead idk #im veryconfused

[iloveutoodeath]

i spent my 20s closing so many doors for myself in order to survive and for fear of slipping back into the extreme emotional low point that marked my early 20s, but then once that survival mode was no longer needed i was content feeling safe inside my closed room, even when it became too cramped and stifling. obviously these conditions are still livable but they definitely aren’t satisfying in any way. anyways i’m definitely feeling the pain and frustration that results from complacency now!! it’s hard to push myself when my gut reaction is to hold back but i really need to just go for it.

#i feel really dumb being thirty and just now climbing out of the hole i dug myself into after so long… and not because i #couldn’t any sooner… but just becuase i felt safer lying in the dirt you know :’-( #but it’s okay. if not yesterday then at least today and the immediate tomorrow is better than continuing to stay here indefinitely… #i just don’t want to be a burden on my parents anymore.. i want to be the one helping them for once.

[cupuasu]

do yall rmr that girl from uni i had a crush on and we were all touchy and flirty and stuff but i distanced myself bc she told me she was gonna date somebody already, apparently she broke up w that girl

#*pretends to be sad* #she started talking to me yesterday n told me what happened #i dont wanna date bc i still feel like a burden to humanity but i'd like to go out w her

[craycraybluejay]

I SORTA ALMOST TOLD MY THERAPIST SOMETHING I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE IRL AND HAVE VERY HESITANTLY TOLD TO ONE PERSON IN GENERAL

PROGRESS. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN TALK ABOUT IT.

I stumbled through it and was super vague about it and omitted a lot and made several awkward attempts to discuss the scenery in my immediate space as a way to stall and totally wasted time doing all that but I managed to get further today to saying something I'm downright terrified to say out loud than ever before. I feel like I can do it next time. Really actually go through with it. I should take a xan before my next session to relax so I don't mentally backpedal or panic or anything and actually break the dam. just the one session so it'll be easier to talk about later as the topic's been breached. maybe even bring up a few other things i haven't nearly as badly wanted to talk to someone about but would probably benefit from some therapizing over. Just really get it all out there, maybe cry a bit. I can do it. I have survived far worse than this.

But like. I made the setup, you know. I can reference it next session and ease into the topic knowing I've already told on myself enough to at least reveal the general nature of the issue. It feels like it's already mostly done and my stomach is in knots but that'll mean next time isn't as scary as it could've otherwise been. I'm proud of myself and I think it's really important to take it slow to tell someone something you need to say but are scared to. But take it. Slow and intentionally vague is better than not at all. You are doing so good. If you have opened up to someone through much fear I am so proud of you and you are so brave. And I'm proud of myself, and I'm brave. And sick or not I am loved and extremely lucky to have a good therapist in my corner.

#therapy #personal #talk therapy #accomplishments #achievements #panicking #but also #feeling already less burdened #vulnerability #bravery #i love my therapist #anxiety #therapy is ugly sometimes therapy requires a lot of work on your own part sometimes and some leaps of faith #“go to therapy” i am and its hard and it wont “convert” me into becoming normal or “fix” me or make me more palatable to you #therapy is hard #but with the right person it is very worthwhile. you are not there to be normal. you are there for support and advice #and it is work. hard work. your therapist can't force you to do anything but you're going to have to work hard to feel better and live happy #practicing gratitude #but just for my loved ones and therapist everything else still sucks just as bad as it did yesterday. but im still lucky on this front #personal rambles #hype me up #hyping myself up #just really trying super hard to overcome the hurdles so i have the opportunity to put in the work and feel better #trying my best #mental health #she is so good. inherently. no matter what she sees a person worthy of kindness and not a monster #i just know if you gave her a literal serial killer as a client she would treat them with the same dignity kindness and respect as anyone #else #she is just that good. like a guardian angel. her job is to help you and not to judge you and you know that she loves the work she does #that she really cares and that she is a beacon of hope for anyone who talks to her. i wish i could be so good. i admire her more than anyone

[r0semultiverse]

I keep seeing your Barbie post and getting jumpscared like oh shit is this the one posted by the asshole terf or the one that’s just reposted by a homestuck

I bring a little bit of chaos to the dash that not everyone likes lmao I'm glad I'm known as "a homestuck!" 😂💖 (on that note I should really get around to publishing my hiveswap, friendsim, & pesterquest voice dubs to youtube which are available in my twitch VODs section for early viewing for those not wanting to wait)

For those experiencing similar jumpscares, simply blacklist the tag "radfem safe" (along with other tags that are similar) in your filter settings (this can be done on mobile or desktop). Also be sure to check the url of the user who posted it & the tags that come up (if on mobile) when you go to reblog it! 👍 Hope that helps a bit! 💜

#HS all the way baybeee!! #I tend to jumpscare people a lot IRL on accident so this is kind of ironic lol #someone else asked why it was the same img & caption in my inbox just yesterday & I was like eh; just felt like it I guess 🤷‍♀️💜 #you'd be surprised the amount of things ppl have asked me where the answer is simply because I just felt like it so I did it 🤷‍♀️ #I find overthinking to only be a burden on my potential & it dampens my chaotic energy a lot which I must uphold >:) lol #op #mine #anonymous #anon #asks #ask #homestuck

[sapphicsandscience]

#the burden of yesterday #susan lewis #kerry weaver #susan x kerry #my writing #er fanfiction #er fandom

[4thstar]

Inktober - Day 27: "Beast"

#As in beast of burden lol #I got back home so late and tired yesterday that I only got the sketch in #but hey I have a lot of free time today so should be good to complete today's prompt as well #Inktober 2023 #Inktober #arts

[niishi]

wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow

#im so glad i learned i had autism #bc...... other ppl control so much of our existence #thinking im a bad person my whole life when in actuality #i was always rejected for my sense of justice #and only accepted if i mirrored triggering behaviors #if i was doing what everyone else was doing it was fine #but if i spoke on my sense of justice i would get rejected #so id try to mirror and it always felt bad #like really bad #i was telling my mom yesterday that #her my dad brother and sister have all done things that #would keep me up at night sick with guilt for the rest of my life #and how i cant fathom how they can live their day to day lives without being burdened with extreme guilt #and she said she just doesnt think about that stuff #i feel guilty for a girl i was mean to once in 2nd grade still to this day #i know every instance in which i hurt someones feelings without a reason and i feel guilt about all of it still #it hurts me so much that id rather fight with ppl who think that behavior is okay #rather than mirror it #but i would mirror stuff sometimes bc it's like “will this make me normal?” and the answer was no #it just made me copy behaviors of bad people who dont have remorse #and that had huge negative effects on me #im glad to know that im not an evil person

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.

#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness. #COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye #yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all #until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs #I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying. #even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat! #my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone #and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor #the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T #I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home #lonely TT-TT #it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry #I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now #but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up #and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time #I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week. #I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me #I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over #so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T. #I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind. #<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind

[seniouesbabes]

Lily Maymac 🌸💋🍒🌸 LAST DAY IN CALI

#lilymaymac #beautiful #sexy #babes #models #instagram models #fashion #selfie #april 2024 #america #california #los angeles #Wednesday 24 #last days #acutely #yesterday #Tuesday #sexy smile #redhead #red hair #urban lights #LACMA #chris burden

[lee-kangin]

as a fan of another pl team i think your problem is that your captain is son. he's too emotional and soft and instead of demanding better of your players he goes around comforting them and protecting them from the refs. idk i feel like he's probably let the band get to his head a bit and now he's pushing people like PEH (who have proper authority) away from the refs, it's a bit weird. strange appointment. he's trying too hard

know him do you?

#you’ve got to be taking the piss? this ask simply reeks of racism LOL #firstly sonny has captained the korean nt for years and has shouldered the hopes and dreams of an entire country #especially because he’s the FIGUREHEAD of ALL korean football in a way nobody has ever really been #that’s not enough responsibility for you? and calling his captaincy style emotional and soft oh so you’re for toxic masculinity too then? #sonny can very much demand the best of his teammates (as he does) and also lead them with kindness and compassion. and it clearly is #working bc every player there would run through a brick wall for him. i’m sorry but big dav missing the pen yesterday and sonny going #straight over to him to hug him and then pappy kissing his back - that’s all sonny’s influence. #maybe you want your team to be a toxic bunch of men but i like my team led by sonny just fine #full of passion and fight and love and support for each other and the fans #‘protect them from the refs’ yeah man maybe bc the dissent rules this szn are mad? have you not seen the red cards? #also you saying PEH has more authority than sonny that’s pure racism LMFAO. #golly gee wonder who has more influence over the players #heungmin son who has played for this club for eight years and has had stellar individual performances #and captains his country with pride and shoulders the burden of being one of the guys to lay the path for asian footballers #and is just an all around sweet dude #or ‘the viking’ #please kindly fuck off and go support your team instead of coming here and shitting on my captain. #rahul answers

[mysticfemme]

it's so hard when you're talking to someone and it physically hurts as you're trying to hold back tears and they're just acting like they don't care and are getting increasingly more pissed off by you

#i feel like such a burden to them even now #but i spoke to my mum and she was saying that even the way my ex has gone about this new stuff is still a bit controlling #I'm so tired #i wanted that conversation to be on my terms but she took that out of my hands again #i feel so shitty today #i spent half the evening crying yesterday #delete later