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savoytrufflephd · 4 months

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The questions of Laurent’s being and behavior…

I have been informed, via @thickenmyblood’s asks (since mine were apparently not set to accept anonymous asks – which I have now changed) that my opinion about HIUH Laurent’s character is incorrect. I have been informed that he’s abusive.

My PhD isn’t in English (though it is in the humanities), but my wife was an English major and she has often told me that interpretations aren’t right or wrong, but they are stronger or weaker in the sense that they are supported by the text.

So, let’s go…

First things first. Let me be clear about the following:

The question of whether or not Laurent is abusive in this piece of fanfiction has no bearing whatsoever on whether any person you know in real life is abusive.

Similarly, any arguments that Laurent can change or that Laurent deserves a second chance have no bearing whatsoever on whether any person you know in real life can change or deserves a second chance.

Neither HIUH nor any fic should be taken as a life advice manual. Just because there are therapists in this fic does not mean that @thickenmyblood is a mental health professional or your therapist.

I am also not a therapist, nor am I trying to give you life advice when I speak of my enjoyment of HIUH.

But if I were to give you life advice, it would be this: If a piece of fanfiction makes you so angry that you feel the need to send abusive anonymous comments to the author and/or ask that author to pass on your comment “correcting” the opinion of a reader writing about that story, you should probably stop reading that fic. It is clearly not good for you. Metaphorically speaking, you are in an abusive relationship with that fic and you should end it. Write the story off and move on.

Okay, that said, the question of whether Laurent is abusive in HIUH is probably more of a series of questions:

Has HIUH Laurent engaged in abusive behaviors?

If so, do those abusive behaviors necessarily indicate that he is and will always be an abuser?

If not, what evidence do we have that HIUH Laurent can and will stop engaging in abusive behaviors?

If HIUH Laurent stops engaging in abusive behaviors, what reasons, if any, does HIUH Damen have to return to the relationship despite past abuse?

BONUS:

A. Is an HIUH Laurent who harms Damen through abusive behavior mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

B. Is an HIUH Damen who chooses to be with Laurent despite past abuse mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

1. Has Laurent engaged in abusive behaviors?

Yes. Although we are limited by a potentially unreliable narrator (Damen), who does not believe Laurent is abusive, we are clearly and intentionally both told and shown in the text that Laurent has engaged in abusive behavior. We are told when Neo explains as much to a skeptical Damen:

“Then you must know I’m only trying to get a feeling on how educated you are on the subject of abuse between romantic partners.” “But why ? I just told you Laurent and I never—” “Do you know what emotional abuse looks like, Damen?” “Yes.” “Give me a definition.” It’s hot in the room, all of the sudden. “It’s… making someone. Feel bad.” “It’s consistent and repeated humiliation,” Neo says. “Gaslighting. Manipulation. Verbal abuse can sometimes overlap with this. Have you ever experienced this while in your relationship with Laurent?” “We weren’t abusive.” “Did you insult each other?” “No,” Damen says. It was so long ago, it was a lifetime back. He can’t remember. “It’s—not like that. Humiliation? We never—” “You’ve said that sometimes Laurent made you feel as though the things you were feeling were inadequate.” You’re being a fucking idiot, Laurent had said about the pink sweatshirt. “What if he was right?” “It’s never right to invalidate your partner’s feelings.” “We weren’t abusive.” “Damen,” Neo says, the soft caress before a blow. “What if we think about it from—” “There’s nothing to think about. I’m telling you, it wasn’t like that. How the fuck did you get to that conclusion? Because I complained about us arguing?” Neo ruffles his notes. “Contempt. Shame. Hurt. That’s what abusers thrive on. There’s quite a lot of those things in here.” “Laurent’s not an abuser,” Damen snaps. “Maybe not, but he grew up with one, didn’t he? These are learned traits.” Damen folds forward as though to vomit. That’s—He’s made a mistake. They argued, they yelled, they said things they didn’t mean, but they never hit each other or threw cutlery at each other’s heads. They went to bed angry, and Damen slept on the couch, and there would be rolling eyes and huffs and annoyance in the following days, but that’s not—Laurent is not— You’re sweet, Damen had said, hand to Laurent’s cheek. A sweetheart. He remembers meaning it, remembers Laurent not liking it. He also remembers Laurent’s sweetness, scarcer in the end and cloying in the beginning. Breakfast in bed, letting Damen pick what show to watch, giving up half his trail mix bag because he knew Damen liked the dried fruit pieces most. You’ll do great, you always do great. A protein shake prepped and ready to go, peace and quiet the nights before important court days. But also bigger things, biggest things. There was—and sharing a bed, and curling up under Damen to read, and letting Damen carry Nicaise up the stairs, and holding his hand under the table as firm functions, and kissing just to kiss, just because, just— He’s explained Laurent wrong.

And we are shown in the moments when Damen and Laurent talk and Damen expects a belittling response from Laurent:

“There are,” Laurent starts, stops. Starts again, “I didn’t.” He has both elbows on the table, which he used to despise. Tables are for cutlery and food, not limbs. Something about the way he rubs at the skin under his eyes makes Damen’s stomach cower as if expecting a blow. “Agnes recommended it months before you—came back. It wasn’t my idea.”

“I met him?” For once, Laurent doesn’t mock him for his question. “It was at that school play I couldn’t go to. The one Nicaise got that huge part in.”

“I want to know when the twenty-four hours are up,” Damen says, loudly, too loudly, “so we can go to the police station and report him missing. For fuck’s sake, Laurent, will you stop ? He could be seriously hurt, and you’re sitting here, berating me about the way I phrased a question. Do you even give a shit about him? Do you even—” He cuts himself off when he sees Laurent’s expression. Like he did last time with Nicaise, Damen braces himself for what’s to come, goes over the list of things Laurent can hurl at him, tries to minimize the inevitable damage. The comment will be about Nikandros, about his soft childhood in Ios, about the time he tried to discipline Nicaise by himself and ended up covered in vomit. Nothing happens. There’s only Laurent, turning his face to the side so Damen can’t stare at it any longer. In the silence of the car, Laurent’s breathing shakes.

“Is his name really Dog?” Laurent says, sitting down next to Damen. Between them, the two cups of coffee and the small pile of croissants both steam. “I didn’t believe Nicaise when he told me.” “I,” Damen starts, lie ready on his tongue, and stops. It’s very meta. “I’m not good with names.” Laurent picks up his coffee instead of agreeing with Damen. Instead of mocking. The space between their bodies is comfortable enough—they’re not touching, not even their knees or thighs. They’re not looking at each other either, not with the entire park stretching green and busy in front of them.

2. If so, do those abusive behaviors necessarily indicate that he is and will always be an abuser?

I take this to be one of the major points of contention on the part of the angry readers. As you can probably guess, I don’t think the text suggests that Laurent in inherently abusive. Besides the stuff coming in my answer to question 3, we have several reasons to believe that Laurent’s abusive behavior is the product of particular circumstances rather than a generalized personality dysfunction.

We know, and Neo just reminded us above, that abusive behaviors are learned behaviors. We know Laurent was abused in multiple ways before he was able to leave his uncle’s house. We know that he is still very young and that it has not been that long since his uncle’s trial. We know he has not been comfortable talking to Damen about his abuse, which gives us reason to believe he still experiences a great deal of shame. That shame is hinted at here:

“He respects you,” Laurent says before Damen has made up his mind about the yelling. “He looks at you and sees a standard to meet. Normalcy. It’s hard to disappoint people you respect. Especially people like you.” “Like me.” “You do things your way. Everyone else does them wrong.” “That’s,” Damen starts. The absolute inaccuracy of the phrase leaves him hanging. “What the fuck?” Laurent ignores him. “He doesn’t respect me, and he also knows I have no room to judge. It’s different. We’re—it’s just different.”

We also know that Laurent is specifically and intentionally not abusive toward Nicaise. We have seen that he has been absorbing a ton of anger, vilification, derision, denigration from Nicaise almost entirely without complaint and without lashing out at Nicaise in return. In fact, after the breaking of the paperweight, when Laurent feels that he might not be able to avoid reacting in a way he will regret, he calls Damen to safely remove Nicaise from the situation. Having taken the lock off Nicaise’s door for reasons many parents would no doubt consider justified, he realizes it was a mistake:

Damen doesn’t look down at the twisted little bolts on the floor. “Actually, you should watch this part in case you ever want to dismantle it again.” “I won’t.” Damen rubs his sleeve over a weird spot on the knob. “You’re betting a lot on Nicaise’s hypothetical good behavior.” “It was dumb, taking the lock away as punishment. I…” Laurent’s thumb glides over the edge of the glass. It traces a full circle before stopping and going white, digging in. His jaw twitches like he’s munching on something. “Privacy shouldn’t be a reward.” “Wasn’t this about safety? He locked himself in, wouldn’t come out or reply when you called…” Laurent’s reply is slow to come. After a while, Damen stops expecting it to come at all. He goes back to testing the lock—twice, waiting for that click sound—opens the door, closes it, and rattles the knob a bit. Just to be sure. “My uncle made it about safety too,” Laurent says. “Locks on doors were for adults. Not children.” The lonely ice cube in his glass floats around aimlessly, not quite touching its confines. “The first to go were the bedroom locks. What if there’s a fire and you can’t get out? What if someone breaks in through the window and—well.” Laurent smiles, small and ugly. “That kind of thing. You know.”

He ensures that Nicaise sees a therapist, meets with that therapist regularly, and follows professional advice about putting Nicaise on medication.

Laurent also maintains a strong friendship with Ancel, whose judgment the text has taught us to trust, through Damen’s evolving relationship with him. Laurent is capable of non-abusive, non-superficial relationships.

3. If not, what evidence do we have that HIUH Laurent can and will stop engaging in abusive behaviors?

From the moment we see Laurent interact with Damen in the present of this story, he is trying to treat Damen better. Not because he thinks he can get back together with Damen, but because he realizes he needs to make a relationship with Damen possible for Nicaise. We have already seen above that most of the time when Damen expects Laurent’s ridicule in this story, he does not actually receive it. In very stressful conversations, when Laurent does lash out, he now tends to pull back or even to acknowledge and apologize:

Coffee. Damen takes two long sips, trying to rinse the bad taste out of his mouth. They’ve had arguments in public before, probably louder than this one. For some reason, the thought isn’t as comforting as Damen would have once found it. They broke up to be better than they were together, didn’t they? They should be better. Except this doesn’t feel better. Or different. Laurent says, “That was out of line.” Now, cooled off, Damen feels clammy. Wobbly. He knows Laurent is right, and yet the thought of sitting through a reprimand makes him want to melt away. “It was.” “I—apologize.” Damen looks up from his coffee to Laurent’s profile. He’s facing the wrong way, Damen thinks stupidly, because the window is to their left. “You apologize.” Half a question. “Go ahead,” Laurent says. “Rub it in.” Damen doesn’t want to. Nausea is curling around him, closing in. “I was out of line too, so.”

And we know now that Laurent has thought through some of his past behaviors toward Damen:

“I was angry at you,” Laurent says, “all the time. Sometimes it was justified, but when it wasn’t I just—I found ways to justify it. That wasn’t fair. Of me.” Damen’s palm is numb around the glass. “Why were you angry?” “Nicaise.” “Justified,” Damen says. “And the rest of it?” Laurent is facing him again. “Paschal says I have a tendency to expect the worst from everyone. Especially you. You’d make comments, and I’d think you were being cruel instead of…” “Instead of what? Ignorant?” Laurent doesn’t reply. “That makes no sense,” Damen says. “We never argued about me being fucking sadistic. We argued about you acting like some things were obvious and I was simply too much of an idiot to get them.” “I never thought you were an idiot.” “You said it often enough.” “I’m—sorry,” Laurent says. “It doesn’t change anything, but—even if you had been the biggest idiot in the world, you didn’t deserve…” A blinking spree follows. “I’m sorry.”

We know that Laurent is still in therapy, and we know that he has been talking about his relationship with Damen there because Paschal has suggested couples counseling for them. And Laurent has invited Damen to do that couples counseling, showing that he wants them to build a better foundation for their relationship going forward.

4. If HIUH Laurent stops engaging in abusive behaviors, what reasons, if any, does HIUH Damen have to return to the relationship despite past abuse?

Damen is deeply in love with Laurent. At the beginning of the story, he is in denial about this fact, but the uncontrollable flow of his thoughts still shows us how much he feels the loss of their relationship. Once he and Laurent are speaking again, seeing improvements in their communication, and experiencing moments of comfort and fun in their interactions – and once Laurent has broken up with Maxime – Damen admits to himself that he wants to be back together. Neo, as usual, prompts the self-recognition:

“I’m asking you to think about what life might look like in two years,” Neo says, “for you and Laurent. Time does not only pass for you, Damen.” A smile, crinkling the corners of Neo’s eyes. “That’d be ideal, wouldn’t it?” Two years. Damen sits with the question for a while, looking at it, prodding it. In two years, Nicaise will have gone away to college. Maybe Laurent will move, relocate, start over somewhere closer to Vask. He’ll post about his new life on Instagram, or details of it will make it to Damen as second-hand gossip. They could still be friends, over text or the phone or fucking letters, Damen thinks, yet there’s something bitter in the back of his throat, filling up his mouth like vomit. Maybe Laurent will date again. Probably. Most likely. And Damen— When he looks up from the armrest, Neo is looking straight back. Damen can’t say it. Earlier today, as he typed his last email of the day at the office, he kept drafting a plan for today’s session. He’d explain his argument with Laurent, then the party at Ancel’s, then the way he keeps looking at Laurent in all the wrong lights, in all the wrong ways, and still finds himself wanting to kiss him. Neo would make a disapproving face, maybe, but it would be easy to brush off; anyone that doesn’t know Laurent would find it hard to understand how easy it is to want to kiss him. Except that isn’t all Damen wants. What Damen wants isn’t a settling of the score, a cleaning of the slate. He doesn’t want to do it once for old times’ sake, or twice out of gluttony. He doesn’t want to make any long-distance phone calls, write any letters, see any pictures on Instagram of Laurent and someone that isn’t him. He doesn’t want things to stay like this, in this careful antiseptic stage. He doesn’t want them to be friends. “It’s not what I want,” Damen says, at last. Neo leans back into his chair. He rolls his wrist once. “You think it’s what I should want, right? Letting go and all.” “I wouldn’t say that,” Neo says. “Should and shouldn’t are very loaded words. It also doesn’t matter what I think you should or shouldn’t do, in general. What is it that you want, since we’ve already established what it is that you don’t?” Don’t make me say it out loud. “I want,” Damen starts, and stops. The words look so stupid, jumbled inside his head. I want him back, like Laurent is a toy someone took away and won’t return. Like Damen is a child, begging. Don’t make me say it. Seconds trickle by, piling into a minute. Then two. “Do you want to be in a relationship with Laurent again?” “I thought I already was,” Damen says. “A friendship is a kind of relationship. You said that.” Neo closes his eyes, keeps them like that for a while. “I did, yes. Let me rephrase that—do you want to be in a romantic relationship with Laurent? Again?” There is no loophole this time, no two-meaning word Damen can latch onto. The truth sits heavy in him, not on his chest but somewhere deeper, inside a little crevice between some (probably important) organs. Saying no would be lying, saying yes would be diminishing. “I want things to be good,” Damen says. “That’s all.”

And in chapter 19, Damen is brutally honest with himself about how, even after everything, he still wants Laurent:

“You meet new people,” Neo says. “You go on dates, make new friends, find new interests. Despite what you might think right now, Laurent isn’t your only option. Dare I say, Laurent might not even be your best option.” The room is dark, darker than it was when the phone call started, but Damen’s eyes hurt like he’s been staring at a ball of light for too long. Everything hurts in a strange, modest way. A throb here, faint. An ache there, heatless. “I don’t want other options,” Damen says. “Well.” “How fucked up is that?” “Pretty fucked up,” Neo says. It makes Damen stop blinking. “Luckily, you’re already doing therapy. It’s only bound to get less complicated from here on. Or more, depending on how you look at it.” “I don’t even wanna look at it, to be honest.” “Then don’t. Take time off, let things cool down, think about what’s been said… No one is asking you to choose right this second.” It’s not that anyone is asking. It’s that it feels like he’s already made his choice.

“You didn’t tell me,” Damen says before he can think not to. “Tell you what?” “How bad it was.” Laurent’s thumb traces the t in team. It’s a bit crooked, even from Damen’s perspective. “It was pretty bad,” he says, slowly, “before you came back. Things were better once he started seeing you again.” “You call that better?” “Yes,” Laurent says. I would have come back, Damen thinks, if you’d told me. Except it’s not true; he would have come back for much less. He’s here now, sitting across from Laurent in this mediocre coffee shop, talking things out, making an effort, thinking of reaching out to finally, finally, hold Laurent’s hand. It’s strange, looking at Laurent and knowing he’s the only other person on earth that feels the same way he does. Where else would Damen go? Who else would he talk to? No one will ever get it, not the way Laurent does. And Laurent knows it. He must, or else he would not be sitting here either. There is only this, Damen thinks. At least for him, there will only ever be this.

So there is that. Damen is hopelessly devoted to Laurent. But that doesn’t make getting back together with him a good decision. Love would not be a good reason to return to an abusive relationship.

Another NOT good reason would be Damen believing the fact that he made mistakes cancels out Laurent’s harmful behavior. The text makes that explicitly clear through Neo:

Neo’s pen hops; a period appears at the end of a sentence. “Apologies can be hard to navigate. It’s sort of like… You’ve wronged me, and you know that you’ve wronged me, and now you’re apologizing for it while expecting me to forgive you. It’s quite a lot to put on a person.” “There are degrees to wrong,” Damen says. His chair feels smaller, like it’s locking him in instead of holding him up. The armrests keep getting in the way of his elbows. “And it’s not like I didn’t have stuff I had to apologize for too. I don’t get why you’re trying to make this seem like a bad thing.” “I’m not.” “Then why—” “Do you think you deserved an apology from Laurent?” Damen leans back and back and back, until his shoulder blades find something solid. Did he deserve…? He’d wanted one, once. In Nikandros’s guest room, with only beige and white and terracotta everything around him, he’d had staring matches with his own phone. He’d thought Laurent might call, at the very beginning. Apologizing. Begging. But Laurent never did. “Yeah,” Damen says. Neo’s head begins to tilt. “You don’t sound too sure about that.” “I am sure.” “All right,” Neo says. “Why do you deserve an apology?” “I told you already. He treated me like I was an idiot.” “How?” “How—what?” “How exactly did he treat you like you were an idiot? What were his actions towards you?” “I,” Damen starts, but something in Neo’s face makes him pause. “He’d say things when we argued.” “Such as?” “That I was an asshole.” Neo nods. “And how did you feel when you heard him say that? Did you feel like it was fair?” “I felt like he was an asshole,” Damen says. “Sometimes.” “Whereas now you feel like he was right?” He was right about Nicaise. And maybe about Ancel, too. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” “I don’t want you to say anything,” Neo says. “I’m just trying to get you to think about things from a different perspective. Laurent apologized, which is an important—not to say crucial—step in rebuilding any kind of relationship. But it seems to me that you’re holding onto this newly found belief that because you acted a certain way, because you made mistakes, you somehow deserved the way he treated you throughout the last stages of your relationship.” “That’s not what I think,” Damen says. “All right. Then you think you deserved the apology because the way he treated you was wrong.” “Yes. But…” “But…?” Damen’s face feels hot, the heat lodged right over his molars. “Doesn’t it kind of cancel out? Like, we both fucked up.” “Those are two different issues,” Neo says. “So no, they don’t cancel out. What he did to you and what you did to him are obviously connected, but someone doing something wrong or bad is not an excuse to do the wrong or bad thing back to them.” Neo gives his pen a tap. “Or it does, I suppose. It depends on your belief system. But you don’t strike me as an ‘eye for an eye’ fan.” I don’t want any eyes, Damen thinks.

I interpret the failed second try (or second strike) of Damen and Laurent’s relationship to have been somewhat based on the “cancel out” reasoning from above. The “cancel out” and move past approach did not work because they failed to address the many insecurities, communication failures, and problematic patterns that plagued the first time around. A discussion with Neo (again) makes this clear. Damen hasn’t yet learned to listen to what Laurent is saying without letting his insecurities and anger get in the way:

But Damen isn’t in Laurent’s position. You’ll never get it, Laurent had said about Nicaise. Maybe it’s true. “I get why he did it. I’ve been thinking, and it’s not—I get it. Nicaise being embarrassed, wanting Laurent in the room because he was the least angry of—” “I don’t think that’s why,” Neo says. “Or at least, that’s not what you’ve just told me Laurent said about the whole thing.” “What?” “Laurent talked extensively about roles. Did you notice that?” “No.” “He presents himself as the scapegoat for Nicaise’s anger, while you’re the one Nicaise admires and wants to impress.” Tap, tap, tap. Damen imagines Neo’s fingers flying across the keyboard. “It seems to me Nicaise wasn’t concerned about the different intensity levels of your—as in, yours and Laurent’s—anger. He knew you were both angry.” “Laurent was better at handling it.” “Was he?” “I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy,” Damen says. Guys, his brain supplies, helpful as ever. “I still can’t. Even now, I know it’s not—that’s not important. I was yelling at Nicaise. I wasn’t listening.” “And that’s why Nicaise didn’t want you to go with him to the clinic?” Damen closes his eyes. He needs to repaint his ceiling, do something about the lack of texture there. “Laurent said something about abandonment,” Neo tries. A nudge. “You’ve mentioned Nicaise doesn’t do well with change, that he’s got a tendency to latch onto routines and people. Do you think it might be possible that he was trying to preserve the relationship he has with you?” “By keeping me out of a medical examination room.” “Yes.” “That’s what Laurent said.” “Well,” Neo says. “It sounds plausible.”

Damen wanted magically for them to be over their past:

“Right,” Damen says. “You don’t do should and shouldn’t. I forgot.” “Are you upset?” Are you angry with me? “I don’t know,” Damen says. “We were supposed to be past this, and now it’s out there and I can’t—we can’t—” “How were you supposed to be past this, if this had never been discussed before today?” “You said it’s impossible to discuss everything.”

So, I don’t think it’s a strong interpretation of the text to say that @thickenmyblood is trying to present Damen in an unfairly negative light in order to excuse Laurent’s much worse behavior and thereby make it okay for them to get back together. Cancelling out isn’t what the HEA of the story is set up to be about.

That said – and given the fact that Damen is still in love with Laurent – what GOOD reasons might Damen have to try the relationship again?

For one, he is beginning to understand better what the fights with Laurent about Nicaise were about. Moreover, they have now explicitly acknowledged that they are co-parenting Nicaise and Laurent has expressed a clear commitment to them parenting Nicaise as a team.

For another, Damen has a much improved understanding of the role of therapy and the complexities of mental health. He has a long ways to go on this front, but I don’t think we’ll see him dismissing or belittling Laurent’s mental health needs. Moreover, Damen has ways of addressing his own mental health needs and talking things through with a person who doesn’t share his triggers and emotional investments around Laurent.

For a third, he has made a commitment to working through their issues in therapy and has concluded that he trusts Laurent to try just as hard as he will to repair and strengthen their relationship.

Crucially, Damen has also learned to stand up for himself when he feels Laurent is implying that he is incapable of understanding things. This means he can point it out and Laurent can recognize when he is retreating into a defensive, harmful pattern. This also allows Damen to indicate that something isn’t obvious to him and to ask Laurent to explain it kindly and clearly. I think that is the only way they can reconcile their very different life histories and relationships to social normativity.

ONCE AGAIN, believing this about HIUH Damen relative to HIUH Laurent does not mean that I believe this is something all (or even very many) real life people who were previously in unhealthy relationships should aim for or could achieve.

Which brings us to our bonus questions:

A. Is an HIUH Laurent who harms Damen through abusive behavior mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

No, in fact, this is not a mischaracterization. Laurent abused Damen in canon. He took him as a slave. He sought Damen’s public humiliation. He had Damen whipped to an extent that would have killed most other people. He placed Damen in a situation that (for almost any other person) would have resulted in a violent public rape. He also forced Damen to engage in public and non-consensual oral sex. Later, when he understood Damen more emotionally and was feeling insecure or threatened, he lied about his feelings and motivations out of shame and self-hatred and with the aim of hurting Damen enough to drive him away.

B. Is an HIUH Damen who chooses to be with Laurent despite past abuse mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

Damen fell in love with Laurent after all that abuse because he came to understand its source and because he saw other sides of Laurent that were caring and honorable and expressed a commitment to achieving justice, even if not by fully honest means. He came to understand Laurent as a survivor, even before he became aware of what exactly Laurent had survived. He stuck with Laurent through all of Laurent’s attempts to push him away and fought for what should have been an impossible relationship. And throughout this process, he learned about his own naivete and to question key elements of his upbringing, like the quest for war glory and the belief that “perfect treatment” justified slavery.

Captive Prince is a seductive and enthralling trilogy. And we willingly suspend any disbelief about whether Laurent’s trauma can truly be overcome simply by Damen’s noble nature and magical healing cock.

Why not do the same for HIUH? (Or, you know, just stop reading it.)

Although I do think Maca may owe us some healing cock. Just sayin’.

#captive prince #captive prince fanfic #hiuh #damen x laurent #thickenmyblood #hand in unlovable hand #neither my wife nor child reads this fic and i suck at fandom these days but i need to talk about this masterwork #clearly when you are just about to finish your academic book you experience a sudden need to analyze the fuck out of other things

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thegirlking · 11 months

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The reality of leaving a toxic family and why I’ll always sympathize with Bruno’s decision.

Just finished my third rewatch of Encanto (mostly because I hadn’t watched it with Bulgarian dub but anyway), and it reminded me once again why I relate to Bruno’s character so much.

Because I have very real, personal experience with distancing myself from a dysfunctional family and a toxic parent in particular, so his situation hits a little too close to home.

So, here’s a few thoughts on Bruno’s situation and why it actually mirrors plenty of real people’s experience (including mine).

Let’s get one thing out first: the movie itself does not really frame his decision as leaving a toxic family situation, but rather as a kind of sacrifice he had to do to protect Mirabel from the prophecy – but that’s a very surface reading of it. In reality, no child should need any “protection” from their literal family and there’s something very wrong with that family if that’s the case. The fact Bruno felt he couldn’t trust his own mother with the prophecy, the fact he was certain everyone will assume the worst of it and feared the consequences it could have for Mirabel, is a massive red flag that he was in some kind of toxic situation.

And no, I don’t mean that he was openly mistreated by anyone – let me elaborate.

Love, toxicity and more – are you “abused enough” to justify making such an extreme decision?

In general, there is still a lot of stigma about leaving your family – the intensity of that stigma greatly varies by culture, of course. But there’s a certain idea of what’s an acceptable situation that requires cutting contact, usually when we talk about pretty extreme cases of abuse (and even then some people can be unsympathetic about it).

When we talk about a purely dysfunctional family, rather than a flat out abusive one, things get a lot more complicated. You could very well feel you don’t have it “bad enough”. You might convince yourself that you are being too sensitive for being hurt, that you are being selfish for wanting to leave. They are your family and they love you after all. Right?

Unfortunately, love and toxic behavior are not something mutually exclusive. That’s something people in general still struggle to understand and it’s a very harmful misconception. It’s very common excuse people make for their behavior, especially in case of familial relationships, that they can’t possibly be toxic to someone if they love them. It’s also something that prevents people from recognizing that they are in a toxic situation.

In Bruno’s case, even though we don’t have a full detailed context and backstory about his life before leaving, I tend to assume he wasn’t viciously abused by his mother or flat out mistreated by anyone else. See, I’m not one of those people who demonize Alma or the Madrigal family in general – of course they aren’t some kind of monsters and they love each other despite everything, I’m sure they actually loved Bruno. But as I said, love can coexist with toxicity.

Ultimately, my point is - the fact Bruno was loved and not flat out abused by his family also doesn’t mean the situation can’t be toxic and harmful to his mental health. There are very serious red flags (both within the actual movie canon and additional information from the creators) that his situation was indeed bad. It’s clear he had already been isolating himself from the family for a while, that things were like that for years and nothing ever improved. This kind of environment is definitely unhealthy enough to cause someone to walk away.

Leaving isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty – people are going to be hurt

Now, let’s address one common argument about why what Bruno did was wrong – he left suddenly without any explanation, without as much as a note, and that was a seriously hurtful thing to do, especially for his sisters.

I don’t disagree with this sentiment at all. Of course, the way he handled things was far from ideal and the family is also allowed to be hurt by it. And still, I don’t exactly condemn him for it. What he did may not be the "right" way to handle things, but it’s very realistic.

Leaving a dysfunctional family isn’t some kind of a wholesome affair where they pat you on the back and throw you a farewell party. A lot of people will prefer to cut off contact over time without properly talking things out, usually because they fear the backlash, don’t want to see the hurt reactions, and don’t want to hear the harsh words that would inevitably be exchanged. Having a direct confrontation with a toxic family about cutting ties with them can become very rough and even escalate a toxic situation into something far worse.

Going back to Encanto - curiously, we have an actual proof that things could have gotten very ugly if Bruno tried to confront Alma before leaving – you know that cut scene from the early development of the movie? The one called “Chores”, where we get to hear about the tense exchange Alma had with Bruno (named Oscar back then) before he left and what they said to each other? Sure, this exchange is very far from canon, but it does show what could have potentially went down.

Furthermore – does the hurt you cause by leaving erase the hurt caused to you?

Continuing from my last point. The family was undoubtedly hurt by Bruno’s decision to leave. That would still have been the case even if he handled things better.

Of course, when there’s still love present in the family, despite the toxicity, the family is not going to want you gone and would be naturally hurt by such a decision.

That’s exactly why it’s so difficult to make the decision - because you don’t want to hurt those people you actually still love. That’s why when you actually make the decision you might feel enormous guilt and shame about it. You might feel selfish, cruel and ungrateful. You might begin to question your own reality and your whole past experience. And you can definitely see that guilt in Bruno too, especially during his reunion with the family in the end – his nervous body language and rush to apologize (without expecting the same in return) speaks volumes and is frankly a little sad to watch.

The family's hurt is valid and justified, I'm not denying it - that also doesn't mean Bruno was somehow the bad guy who selfishly and heartlessly abandoned them. And it certainly doean't mean the hurt he caused them erases his own hurt and trauma. While such extreme criticism of his actions is thankfully uncommon, I do see some discussions that go into such direction and it rubs me the wrong way, because it feeds into the stigma about walking away from your family and it's just insensitive and potentially hurtful to real people's experience and trauma.

So, in conclusion, here’s the very harsh truth. Sometimes you need to prioritize yourself and your own well-being. Life is not a Disney movie after all and sometimes toxic relationships can’t be properly repaired, not even with your own parents. And the fact you are going to hurt someone by leaving does not mean the hurt they caused you (intentionally or not) no longer matters.

#bruno madrigal #encanto #encanto meta #encanto thoughts #my meta #long post #/abuse mention #I don't know if people are still interested in Encanto discourse in 2023 #but I just feel strongly about all of this

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qqquib · 3 months

Text

All Time Fav Fics

multi-fandom + continual updates :3

DSMP + SBI

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Tommyinnit: The three endings and two beginnings

- 142,401 words, abandoned

- also taken off ao3

- TW: torture, suicidal ideation, suicide, self harm, manipulation, death, child abuse, neglect, war

- Rating: 9/10

- all DSMP characters are thrown into a room to relive tommy’s life

Nights Like These by ChelseaFrown

- 107,946 words

- TW: child abuse, self harm, suicidal ideation, fire

- Rating: 8/10

- Foster Care tommyinnit AU

Godling by dancewiththewaves

- 66,761 words

- TW: kidnapping, violence

- Rating: 8/10

- tommyinnit and tubbo are godlings, however tommy is missing and tubbo needs him to get his powers. they are calm and chaos

Ours Poetica by zeeskit

- 77,502 words, abandoned

- TW: neglect, self harm, suicidal ideation + actions, child abuse

- Rating: 10/10

- tommyinnit is suicidal and abandoned by his family. he turns to poetry to cope

Cigarette Paper by anonymous

- 149,118 words

- there is a sequel <3

- TW: drugs, self harm, overdose, suicidal ideation, child abuse, religious trauma, rehab, neglect

- Rating: 9/10

- wilbur is deeply traumatized and addicted to drugs, tommy just wants to help

Home is Where The Heart Isn't by ThisB_tchEmpty

- 25,211 words, abandoned

- series!

- TW: neglect, suicidal ideation, character death, grief, child abuse

- rating 10/10

- Tommy was never loved by his family, he turns 18 today

The Children's Rebellion by Aria_Cinabun

- 257,877 words

- sequel out!

- TW: child abuse, graphic violence, suicide attempt, main character death, genocide, prison, disordered eating, bullying, starvation, manipulation, bullying

- rating 9/10

- Tommy Innes was born to touch the stars, but instead is the former leader of the children's rebellion

Mon Dieu by s_mol

- 114,945 words

- TW: torture, character death, Stockholm Syndrome, graphic violence, starvation, paralyzation, suicide attempt, self harm, religious trauma, gaslighting + manipulation, cults

- rating 9/10

- exile Tommy gets revived and is now dream's "angel."

Hand in Unlovable Hand by whoknowsidont

- 20,956 words

- everyday I pray for a pt 2

- TW: foster care, graphic violence, prison, character death, manipulation, mentioned suicide, police

- rating 10/10

- Tommy gets removed from his placement, and lives with a murderer

the funeral was a bleak affair by @jazzintown

- 71,306 words

TW: major character death, self harm, suicidal ideation, suicide, grief, alcohol abuse, neglect

- rating 10/10

- Tommy was born into a broken family

Theater Major by Annex

- 85,169 words

- TW: parental issues, bad family life, suicidal ideation, bad portrayal of foster homes, self-harm, death in general

- rating: 10/10

- Tommy has to make it through his last semester of high school, last show with the school that has done so much for him and now his entire schedule and life has been thrown to the wind by his family. And why are they acting like nothings wrong?

would you miss me in the end, if i run out of oxygen? by roboot

- 9,381 words

- TW: suicidal ideation, self harm, heavy depression, loneliness, coming to terms with how bad you've gotten

- rating: 10/10 accurate description of mental health issues

- I’m going to kill myself. His mind decides, and his stomach lurches. His breath trembles on the next intake, “how’s Ranboo doing?”, “Hm?” Tubbo says, pitching his voice curiously as his mind catches up to the question, “oh! They’re really good! Our projects are actually kind of joint- he’s doing death, which I thought was kind of morbid but Smith really liked it, so.”, “Why couldn’t they have helped you then?”, Tubbo scoffs, “you really think the guy capturing death would have an eye for life? If I let him touch my project he’d corrupt it or something.” He kicks his head back to meet Tommy’s gaze, setting his camera into the grass, “besides, we haven’t had a chance to really hang out lately.”, “You mean you haven’t had a chance to use me as free labour.”, “Technicalities! Hey, we should get moving again, I want to stop by the fountains.”

there’s stardust running through your veins by always_an_anxious_mess

- 125,040 words

- TW: abuse, torture, child abuse, foster homes, loneliness, graphic descriptions of violence, suicidal ideation, imprisonment, human experimentation, disassociation, character death

- rating: 10/10 love humans are space orcs

- When he was little, he’d dreamed of being an astronaut, of going to space, like every kid did. Space was fun, exploratory. Or it was supposed to be.

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UNDERTALE + AUs

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Winter in Your Bones by cryptic_jack

-67,506 words

- TW: violence, technical breaking and entering

- rating 9.5/10

- super fluffy alaskan reader x sans trope

Masquerade by TeaLeafe

- 160,404 words, unfinished (abandoned?)

- TW: major character death, self harm, rebounding, references to game canon events, violence, asshole behavior

- rating 7/10

- Underfell and Undertale universes collide into one, reader "loses" sans to fell!sans' girl.

Bullies by CurlySugarSkull

- 168,408 words, unfinished (abandoned?)

- TW: bullying, gangs, violence, rape/non-con, child abandonment, referenced suicide, drug use, referenced self harm, anxiety, underage drinking/smoking

rating: 8.5/10

- Jamie Hopkins gets put into Bullsworth Academy for troubled kids... into the boys dormitory.

You Matter To Me by @myownpersonaldemons

- 139,370 words

- TW: unhealthy relationships, accidental pregnancy, parental issues, smoking, legal battles, cheating

- rating 9.5/10

- reader moves in with the skelebros + co. after finding her boyfriend fucking her sister...

The Burning Mountain by Kassykins

- 110,941 words

- TW: emotional + psychological abuse, graphic violence, mentions of child abuse, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, rapid reality switching

- rating 8/10

- reader is a mage living in hiding. suddenly, the world as she knew it is changed indefinitely and only few can remember.

Tilikum by @llamagoddessofficial

- 54,456 words, unfinished

- TW: graphic descriptions of violence, abuse, murder, obsessive love lol

- rating 9.9/10

- llama goddess always hits.

- the Trio(tm) are all sirens living in an aquarium, Y/N is assigned as their caretaker even though they have no prior experience. Good luck!

Aggre(g/v)ation by @llamagoddessofficial

- 180,230 words

- TW: graphic violence, non-con, referenced cannibalism, referenced murder, referenced starvation, referenced child abuse, kidnapping

- rating 9.6/10

- reader lives in an apartment with sans, who kinda hates her... sorta? and then his "cousin" shows up, and then another...?

These Are Our Days by @Rehlia

- 642,238 words (WOW)

- TW: graphic violence, PTSD, body horror, terrorism, politics, human/monster war, disassociation, memory loss

- rating 9/10

- reader gets a job working as a social media manager for the monsters, after applying while shitfaced, and gets swept into something much bigger than anticipated.

Chill or Be Chilled by @tricktster

- 484,012 words, abandoned

- TW: graphic violence, body horror, weird science

- rating 8/10

- reader and sans meet, a classic slowburn (that's not very slow), and then shit hits the fan.

—

SOUTH PARK

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Oh My God, They Were Cellmates by Absolute_Trash_Fire

- 149,689 words

- TW: rape/non-con, drug addiction, murder, graphic descriptions of violence, sexual assault + harassment, jail, gang activity, suicidal thoughts, bad parents

- rating: 10/10 one of my fav South Park fics

- Tweek Tweak is a mild-mannered young man. He practices sex in carefully considered moderation. He holds no ill will toward his fellow man. This is his gospel...But it's all thrown out the window when he is arrested. Arrested for his ongoing meth abuse. Specifically, arrested for murdering his own dealer.As his false identity is peeled away, he must find himself while under the anxiety-inducing protection of his rage-prone cellmate, Craig Tucker.

Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space by gremlinteeth

- 136,649 words

- TW: bullying, homophobia, child abuse, drug abuse, bad parents, fighting, kinda graphic violence

- rating: 10/10 high school but its actually accurate

- The epitome of apathy, Craig Tucker has never been anything but nonchalant when it comes to his life and other related catastrophes. As long as he's not missing his favourite tv show or being hassled into another one of his classmates' ill-advised schemes, the boy truly doesn't care. Why should he? He's almost halfway through his Junior year at South Park High, which he's already figured out means he's only trapped there for another year and a half. Yet, there's only so far flying under the radar can get you, and unless he can get his grades up before the end of the school year, he won't be graduating with the rest of his class. Luckily, there's a blonde-haired recluse who might be able to help him - in more ways than he'd hoped.

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STRANGER THINGS + STEDDIE

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stereoscope by seraphy

- 60,836 words

- TW: child abuse, graphic violence, canon typical violence, PTSD and its effects, alcoholism, kidnapping, bullying

- rating: 9/10

- Here's Steve Harrington's biggest secret, though: It's not the alternate dimension brimming with monsters or the impossible girl with powers. It's the fact that he and Eddie Munson have been friends all along. In an on-and-off, tangential, fucked up kind of way. Never on his own terms. But still friends.

the game (SERIES) by schlatt (@669b)

- 78,658 words

- TW: self harm, drug use, death, canon typical violence, PTSD, gore, slightly graphic violence

- rating: 9/10

- 5 years after vecna died... but he's back??? make it gay and full of healing and relapses and trauma.

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HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

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Phantom of the Arena by @aleteia-ff

- 277,913 words

- TW: animal cruelty, talk of rape/non-con, talk of sacrifices, graphic violence, bad parents, slight suicide ideation at some points, pregnancy, general vikingness

- rating: 9/10

- Dragons and Berk have been at war for generations; one year ago however, strange things started to happen during raids, which cannot possibly be the work of a dragon. Refusing to let her village be haunted by what they call the Phantom of the Arena, Astrid sets out to find the culprit.

Persephone by sunflowerb

- 222,161 words

- TW: bridal kidnapping/sacrifice, graphic violence, pregnancy (I think), bad parental relationship, general vikingness, animal cruelty

- rating: 8.5/10

She was meant to be the price for peace; her life in exchange for the mysterious Dragon Master's mercy.Her captor wasn't supposed to be a ghost from her past, and she wasn't supposed to become his ally...or his lover. And when news spreads of a blonde-haired girl at the Dragon Master's side, there will be repercussions for dragons and Vikings alike.

—

MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE

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The Lost and Forgotten by Litcraz

- 272,143 words

- TW: homelessness, suicidal thoughts, cannon typical violence, graphic violence, depression, loneliness, rage, self-worth issues, death, threats

- rating: 9/10

- In order to save everyone's lives, Peter is forced to give up memories - their memories of him. As a result, he is left entirely alone in a world where no one knows he exists. After finally moving on with his life, a new threat arises, bringing Peter back directly into the Avengers' path.

A Peter Parker Problem by spagbol99

- 176,955 words

- TW: child abuse, graphic violence, child neglect accidentally, canon typical violence, self-worth issues, bullying, lots of lying, guilt to the max

- rating 9/10

- Peter Parker was back from the dead. At least that is what everybody told him. He comes back to find May has a husband and a kid. A new family he has to fit into. The only thing that feels solid is Tony: the Blip and fatherhood have mellowed him and Peter loves the bond they have now, but Tony needs to focus on his own recovery - not small time Peter Parker problems. When things at home take a turn for the worse, Peter decides that he'll handle it himself. After all, if May is happy, he is happy, right? Right?

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle

- 222,949 words

- TW: child abuse, sexual abuse, rape/non-con, death, graphic violence, canon typical violence, homelessness, loneliness, guilt-complex, cancer, trust issues

- rating: 10/10

- Peter goes into foster care. It takes just a tiny taste of superpowers for Peter to decide he doesn’t want to put up with his horrible foster father anymore—the streets are infinitely more appealing. All he wants is to be Spider-Man anyway. So he leaves. Simple. Simple, that is, until Iron Man needs Spider-Man’s help. Peter will help Tony. In return, the mask stays on. And that’s when things get complicated.

Peter and the Jailbirds by beautifullights

- 86,427 words

- TW: human experimentation, child abuse, canon typical violence, the Raft from MCU, forced isolation w/ sensory deprivation, torture, gunshot wounds, graphic violence, self-worth issues

rating: 10/10

Peter gets tossed onto the raft after being caught as Spiderman, it does not go well for him at all

Constant Internal [Spider] Screaming: Semi-Connected Scenes from a Graduating Senior’s Life by @isadancurtisproduction

- 141,489 words

- TW: stress, canon typical violence, bullying, fear of moving on, PTSD issues

- rating: 9.5/10

- When Peter's Teacher announces that his Graduating Class's Senior Trip is going to be to Stark Industries, he is... less than enthused. No one believes his Internship is real and frankly, he just doesn't want to deal with it, but between May and Mr. Stark, he doesn't really think he's going to get much of a choice. He has a month till the actual day, maybe he'll fall into a pit or get carried away by a stork-themed villain or fall into a Coma or something before the dreaded Field Trip

Fill My Veins With Terror by ManyGayUmbrellas (SERIES)

- unfinished (currently ~90k words)

- TW: graphic torture, child abuse, graphic violence, emetophobia warning, self-hatred, self harm, eating disorder, character death, murder, rape/non-con, suicide,

- rating 10/10!

one shot series following whumptober 2023 prompts, will rip your heart out

Spaghetti and Red Wine by atrhopodwithapen

224,770 words

TW: character death, graphic violence, rape/non-con, child abuse, canon typical violence, food issues, bad portrayals of the foster care system, torture, suicide attempt,

rating 9/10!

May dies on her way to get food for dinner, Peter gets placed in foster care, it doesn’t go well.

literally anything under the "Peter Parker's Field Trip to Stark Industries" tag

—

SIDEMEN

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Catharsis by dontlookup

- 20,234 words

- TW: sex as self harm, consensual but not safe or healthy, sub-drop, unrequited love, incorrect portrayals of content creators!!!!

- rating 10/10 its like. a perf vent fic

Vik shrugged. "Cathartic," he mumbled. "I felt bad. It felt good." In which Vik doesn't know how to process his feelings for Tobi and JJ helps by beating them out of him.

#dsmp fanfiction #sbi fanfic #httyd fanfiction #mcu fanfiction #south park fanfiction #undertale fanfiction #stranger things fanfiction #ao3 #quib rambles #fanfic rec #fanfiction #sidemen fanfic

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softxsuki · 4 months

Text

BIG BLOG UPDATES AND CHANGES. IMPORTANT. PLS READ

REGULAR REQUESTS:

Starting January 1, 2024 I will be deleting all my WIPs. Any request that is currently in my inbox will be deleted.

I thought about this long and hard and it’s something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while now; it started with me slowly deleting a few that didn’t inspire me, but now I think I just need a fresh start

And I just thought I’d remind everyone that my requests are now suggestions. So if you request something there is no guarantee that I will be able to write it for you

I’d like to start writing things that truly inspire me and maybe even sprinkle in a few writing with my own ideas

Ik writing in here is a hobby for a lot of other writers, but it’s my ultimate goal to one day have my own book published. This blog is just practice for me to write and honestly it became my safe place that I created after my aunt passed away, and I feel like I’m slowly losing that

With all that said, I’ll be leaving my wips up until the end of the year if you can’t remember what you requested, you can try and resend it in to see if ill be able to write that for you or not

URGENT REQUESTS:

Starting next year my urgent requests will be limited. I’ll have 3 urgent request spots open each month. Once they fill up, that’s it for the month

I’ve had so many events that had to be pushed back for months because I keep receiving endless urgent requests at a time. I know some of you really need it for comfort but other are just abusing them to get their requests written faster and this is the only solution I can come up with

If I’ve already written a requests regarding your topic, I’ll probably respond to your request with links to posts I’ve already written regarding that topic. I’ve written about suicide, self harm, depression, etc SO many times and I’m starting to run out of unique ideas. And it’s honestly not super great for my mental health to write stuff like that so often.

However if you urgently need a request about a topic like that, that I’ve written about already (so long as you’re requesting it for a character I haven’t used that topic for yet) and you can give me an idea that helps me out then I’ll do it. Bc I know these are issues that a lot of ppl struggle with and I don’t want to just ban those kinds of requests at all

Also please give me a short reason as to why this request is urgent. If I don’t think your request is urgent, I won’t be writing it. I’d like to save these spots for ppl who realllllly really need it and could be helped with this. And ofc any urgent requests that make me uncomfortable or topics that I know nothing about and don’t want to offend anyone with accidentally, I also won’t be writing.

And lastly with urgent requests, a thanks would be great. I’ve written like 10 urgent requests in the last few months and I’ve only heard back from one of them. It’s discouraging to write something for someone that they labeled urgent and then never hear a word from them again. No thank you, no feedback, nothing. A quick thanks would mean the world to me and encourage me to continue writing urgent requests for you guys. Pls and thank you

Which leads me to my next point

SAYING THANK YOU:

I come in here and write for FREE. I take requests for FREE. all of this is for free. And all I ask for in return is kindness

If you request something and I write it for you, a thanks would be wonderful

Maybe even some feedback. I’m open to constructive criticism as well, so long as you’re nice about it !

Out of all the writing I’ve posted, I’ve probably o my heard back from like 10% of you, which just makes me want to delete my account and not even both honestly.

I don’t even care about the likes or reblogs, my writing could get one like, but just hearing some feed back or even a thank you, especially from the person who requested it would make the world of a difference.

Even if you popped into my ask box to remain an anon, that works too!

This is a huge part of the reason why writing on here has started to feel so draining for me. I want to love writing again and I know this is something I can’t force ppl to do, but I gotta let it out

And lastly, when requesting, please don’t demand. “I want a drabble” I don’t write for people who demand. A please or “could you please” is perfect. Simple and easy to do

EMOJI ANONS:

I’m not sure how to go about doing this or even if I should do this

But I think most of my anons have disappeared or maybe just don’t interact with me anymore?

Perhaps we can do an anon role call? Where you just send me your emoji in my ask box just so I know you’re still around and if some emoji anons that I have listed don’t respond, then I’ll delete them?

Or should I just leave it as it is?

Idk so let me know if you have any suggestions regarding that

I love you guys a lot and appreciate so many of you, especially my regulars. I know some of you are shy and stay as ghost readers. I still appreciate you all 💗 but these are just some changes I’d like to make for my happiness and mental well being honestly 😭. I think I need a fresh start and just some more boundaries bc I feel like I’m stagnant RN and getting nowhere with the things I’d like to do.

SO these changes will begin January 1, 2024.

My wips will be wiped clean, starting over, so if you’ve recently requested something and want to try and resend it in to see if I’ll write it, give it a shot.

I hope I’m not coming across as rude or anything, im used to putting other ppl first and I tend to lose myself in the process so I just feel like this is something I really need to do. Im sorry if anyone is disappointed by this, but hopefully you’ll stick around to see any other new exciting events and writings I put out :)

Love you guys always 💗

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olderthannetfic · 2 years

Note

in response to "not allowed to name your abuse in polite company" anon

wow okay yeah well here we go. I'm a psychology major, and have been studying psychology for years, and it drives me mental how easily people eat up this Bad Person Disease wank.

I was raised in an abusive environment myself and it took me over two decades to escape. In that in an effort to show support multiple friends went ham on the armchair diagnosing of my abusers, what with their NPD labels and their BPD speculations... mostly it was cluster B labels.

Fast forward to when I'm finally in therapy and dealing with my trauma and guess what. My therapist notices that I'm really struggling with xyz issues and diagnoses me with the Dreaded Bad Person Disease! Womp womp. As it turns out, diagnoses exist to Help the Person the Diagnosis Belongs To, NOT as a handy tool for people to label people they don't like. Whodafuckin thunk.

There is a damn good reason why it is inadvisable to go around slapping labels onto other people when you're not their therapist. Mostly it's because no matter how close you are to that person, even if you live with them, you are not them! You do not live in their head! So unless you are a trained professional that that person came to, voluntarily, seeking help, you can't actually know if that person has xyz mental health issue! You can't just slap the NPD or BPD or whatever label you want on all the bad people you meet and then decide that Everyone With This Label Must Be an Asshole Because I Have Decided That Every Asshole I Meet Belongs to This Label that's not! how any! of this! works! It's ableist because it makes it very hard for people who do have this disorder, whose lives are negatively affected by this disorder, to seek help. Backtracking to me sitting with my therapist first processing that Oh Fuck Does This Mean I'm a Monster? That fucking sucked. I hated myself, I felt that it was hopeless, I was terrified that if people found out they'd shun me, or try to harm me.

What also sucks? I'm not a bad person! Shitty things happened to me in the past that altered my brain chemistry and now makes it extremely difficult to process the world in a healthy way. How is that my fault? I have no control over that, all I can do is control my actions and learn to reframe my thoughts. Yes, it's to protect others from potentially harmful behaviour on my part, but also it's to protect me from myself, from this overwhelming feeling of despair and shame and frustration and anger, at the world, at others, at myself for being angry in the first place- because my god, that anger, it is exhausting, especially when you know that what you feel, how you see the world, is "wrong" and "bad". After a while it's hard not to conflate "wrong" thoughts with just... being wrong. And on top of all that internal struggle I still need to worry about whether or not I'll receive proper support, both from my friends and also from medical professionals...That is what this "narcissistic abuse" fuckery does and that is why it is disgusting for victims- fellow victims! to go about perpetuating this term. Everyone's a mental health advocate until it comes to us with the "ugly" mental health issues. Then it's dead silence. I get it. OK? I was also an abuse victim. I've had some truly horrible and disgusting things done to me that will probably keep me in therapy for the rest of my life. It's so comforting, isn't it, to be able to draw that line in the sand and say I am Here and you are There, the reason why you hurt me is because you are a monster, there is no way I could ever be you. We are nothing alike.

But guess what? That's not true. There's no line! Tell me now, truly. What is the difference between "narcissistic abuse" and "just regular abuse"? It's not the self-centeredness. Abusers are self-centered, that's what makes them abusers. It's not the lack of compassion. Again, lack of compassion is what makes abusers what they are. What, then? The lying, the gaslighting, the threats? All of it is abuse. There is nothing- no significant, distinguishable factor that warrants the specification of "narcissistic abuse".

To be frank, I am tired- so very tired. of people making excuses for abusers. because that is all that they are- excuses. Abusers are not monsters, nor demons, not the boogeymen that hunt in the night. They are human, same as the rest of us, and they choose to harm when they could have sought help, redirected their pain and anger, done anything else. So hold abusers accountable for their actions, their choices, and leave us struggling with trauma and mental illness out of it. For fuck's sake.

You do not need a special fancy label to highlight how awful your trauma was. You certainly do not need to scapegoat a whole group of mentally ill people in order to achieve the support and healing that you deserve. The only thing that separates Those Who Abuse and Those Who Do Not Abuse is a Choice. Kindness and Cruelty, neither one is inherent. It. is. a. choice. God. I'm tired.

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rikuyrk06 · 4 months

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I have more thought about Astarion's emotion and response. Although I am not a SA victim, but sometimes I have some traumatic response and repulsive act as Astarion did in the game, such as suppress own emotion. reject from other people's help and tends to negative ways in any relationship. He needs to survive in that awful situation, he must not have any empathy and affection towards the victims who lured to Cazador. He used more dramatic talking style to hide his real emotion and also attract other people to talk with him. But there is nothing real in these interaction, so he has trust issue among all the people. He don't believe Tav/Durge genuinely help to find the meaning of the scar, even fight for him for freeing from Cazador.

This is more about my experience. I don't have really in romantic relationship before, but I have emotional abused by different classmates in different time during still had being a teenager. Now I don't act terribly as Astarion when talk to others but I do not put trust or show reaction that it is too genuine because maybe they might backstab in workplace. Although meeting outside the job, I still put my doubt to any people. You will hardly ever hear what my opinion is. If they want to add my social media account, I don't give them. I have a few friends that I trust but it is because we know each other for a long time and have some similar hobbies. For my current work , I usually isolate myself as not too much about my private life. I don't even tell any of my friend about the detail of my trauma and events that I went though. I do not care about power and harming others but definitely having negative thought and horrible monolog in my mind. If there are no games and other media, I may flatlined myself. (you know the meaning if you played 2077) I am not a hypersexual person but have some curiosity for sexuality. No matter him with Tav, with Durge, with Halsin or the Drow twin in polyamory relationship, I can see the nuance that how he handle and interact to them. The story and the discussion between players makes me explore the possibility in sexuality and relationship. Yeah I am in asexual spectrum (lol), feel indifferent in sex. I won't say I am repulsive to sexual attraction but I rarely attracted by other people regardless of gender in real life. I had been wondering why media always heavily imply that romantic relationship is the most important things in our life, but I just don't care. It is sure that to have good romantic relationship is wonderful but I won't take too much effort to get in relationship if I don't have deep emotional bond and truly known this person. it is not an character analysis, just for write down what I thought when I romance Astarion. I am fond that many players resonate to his journey. I hope all the people who has been facing traumatic events and mental health issues to be seen. Please give them more love and caring.

#baldur's gate 3 #astarion #spilled thoughts #emotional abuse #trauma #relationship #sexuality

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lotusthewriter · 1 year

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And you're angry (and you should be)

Fandom: The Owl House

Rating: T

Relationships: Romantic Hunter/Luz, Hunter & Camila

Characters: Hunter, Luz Noceda, Camila Noceda, Flapjack; other characters are only mentioned

Summary: Everyone notices the way Luz has grown quieter and distant, so Hunter tries to be there for her. Yet he would never have expected it to be so serious.

Word count: 5.240

AO3

A/N: This was kind of a mash up of ideas I had and it ended up being extremely long 😅

PLEASE be careful because this story tackles self-harm (cutting). Other trigger warnings will be detailed below. There's nothing graphic here, not that I ever write anything explicit in any of my stories, but it can be triggering to some people. Take care of yourself. <3

TRIGGER WARNINGS - self-harm (cutting), injury, depression, implied/mentioned past abuse, scars, mental health issues, self-hatred, and self-blame

Hunter and Luz are not siblings. Hate will be blocked.

P/roship DNI.

He’s nearly done when he hears the same tired but mellow words:

“Aw, Hunter, you don’t need to set the breakfast table every day…”

“It’s fine, Camila,” he says easily, no longer slipping up her name. “I like doing it for you guys.”

She smiles, full of fondness. “You’re such a gentleman.”

Hunter blushes. “Thanks.”

Camila takes a seat while the boy returns to the coffee machine. Despite her yawning, she already wears her work uniform and her hair is neatly done. The woman hums as Hunter fills a cup with coffee.

“Mmm… that smells delicious,” Camila observes.

“Yeah, I hope so.”

The teenager heads to the table with the cup, handing it to her.

“Muchas gracias,” Camila grins, taking the object like it’s a precious jewel.

Hunter can’t help standing there awkwardly as she takes the first sip. He knows the last times he made the coffee were disastrous, but he’s almost certain that he got it right for once.

Luz’s mother makes a very satisfied noise.

“Oh my, this is perfect,” she compliments, so genuinely that Hunter can’t contain a dumb, relieved laugh.

“G-Good to know! I’ve been meaning to, uh, learn how to make human food. For you and Luz.”

The woman is visibly proud. “You’re on the right path.”

Finally, Hunter places the coffee pot on the table after getting some for himself. Hunter doesn’t enjoy all human food, but he likes coffee. He was first introduced to it on his first morning in the Human Realm. Hunter has always been a light sleeper, so he usually wakes up before everyone else, besides Camila and sometimes Vee. In more recent times, Hunter awakes even earlier so he can set breakfast for everyone else. But above all to help Camila out, who looks after six teenagers all on her own. She does her best to adapt to their differences. Hunter always catches her exhaustion, yet she keeps smiling to take care of them.

Besides all that, Camila is Luz’s mother, so he seeks her approval but hopefully not in an unhealthy manner. He wants to be good both to her, and to Luz herself. Basically, this is the least he could do for the woman.

Now, Hunter and Camila drink coffee on opposite sides, facing one another. The latter’s mood seems to have been lifted by the former’s gesture. He smiles at that.

Camila hums again, but thoughtfully.

“I don’t think I ever asked… How did you and Luz meet?” She wonders, smiling in curiosity.

Hunter almost chokes but silently, thank the Titan.

“A-At school, obviously, haha!” He clears his throat, memories of the boiling sea resurfacing. “I was… mostly on my own, when I met her. Luz was… my first friend.” (In a way.)

Despite his tension, Camila doesn’t pry. If anything, her grin widens.

“It makes me so happy that Luz found friends that connect with her,” she says. “That understand her and like her just the way she is.”

Although she doesn’t go on deeper details, Hunter can sense some melancholy in her words. Either way, Camila’s gratitude doesn’t fade.

“I’m glad you have friends, too, Hunter,” she adds. “You’re so considerate and kind… I can tell why Luz likes you.”

At the wink she gives him, Hunter’s cheeks heat up again, as if he’s been exposed. But really, he’s so obvious. He’s never had… anyone like Luz his whole life. Despite that, Hunter replies simply with a bashful smile (secretly hoping Camila is right).

His coffee buddy suddenly frowns once she glances at the clock hanging in the wall.

“Ai ai, where’s Luz? She’s going to be late!” Camila exclaims, almost leaving her chair when Hunter stops her by immediately standing on his feet.

“I’ll go get her.”

She doesn’t object, instead she gives him a trusting look. Hunter returns it with a nod and a determined smile, then he’s off to the stairs. He immediately reaches Luz’s bedroom, as slowly as possible as to not make any noise.

The girls sleep peacefully…

Hunter, however, doesn’t find Luz. She must be awake, then.

The next logical place is the bathroom, a light coming from under the door. He feels stupid for not noticing earlier, but that doesn’t matter.

It seems… quiet. Very quiet.

He lightly knocks on the door.

“Luz? Are you there?”

Hunter hears a tiny gasp and some quick shuffling. Before he even gets to ask what she’s doing, Luz opens the door wide.

“Hi! Morning!” She smiles but… it doesn’t feel right. “Sorry, I kinda lost myself there.”

Luz isn’t in her pajamas, instead she’s very much ready for school, even holding her backpack with one of her arms.

“It’s- It’s okay,” Hunter reassures her regardless. “I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

“Oh, yeah, totally. I’m totally okay.”

He frowns in suspicion and concern, silenced by Luz’s sudden, “Right, school!”, soon she’s already downstairs, leaving Hunter speechless.

“Careful, mija, you could choke,” Camila points out, voice distant from him.

“I’m fine, mom!”

Hunter doesn’t join them just yet. He takes a quick peek inside the bathroom. There’s nothing odd to be seen. The boy hums, thus leaving and seeing the Nocedas again.

“Oh, there you are,” Camila states when he returns.

“Mamá told me you made the best coffee she’s ever had,” Luz prefaces, “and I second that.” She winks at him.

Hunter does blush shyly, yet his mind is full of questions. Luz must’ve stayed a long time in the bathroom since she was ready for school, and excused it with “losing herself” in there. The girl appears to be… hiding something.

She was doing something there. Something she’s not telling him or Camila.

Hunter, of course, doesn’t point this out now. He lets the two of them enjoy breakfast as he also has his share. Eventually, Camila and Luz leave, the latter smiling in the way that makes Hunter’s chest pound. The first time that happened, he thought he was going to die. Willow, Gus, and Amity were the ones who explained it to him, and Hunter only gradually realizes how much he… likes Luz. As in, like like.

But again, this is not the focus.

Luz has grown distant; she’s no longer the bubbly and cheerful girl he met long ago. She’s quiet, tired, withdrawn. Everyone can see the way her smile never meets her eyes, the way she spends more time alone than usual, and the growing dark eyebags exposing her poor sleep.

Hunter doesn’t approach her the way Willow, Gus, Amity, and Vee do. The four of them are familiar being her friends, after all Luz has known them better than she knows Hunter. After Belos’ mind, he only saw her again right before the Day of Unity. He hasn’t been her official friend for so long.

They have gotten closer, yes. Luz even switched places with him so Belos wouldn’t hurt him. Other than that, they’ve never had a full interaction. He hasn’t had the opportunity to hang out with Luz, just the two of them. Hunter usually sticks in with Willow and Gus, but lately he’ll find Luz distancing from them, and Hunter wishes he could follow her. Yet Hunter always hesitates. One, they’re barely close friends. Two, he likes her but he’s not sure if she feels the same. Three, Luz has hidden herself inside a hard shell, never coming out of it. He doesn’t know what to do to help her.

The only thing Hunter has with her is their quiet talk in that small restroom, the first time they were finally alone since Belos’ mind. Luz already looked so hurt, emotionally speaking as well. She almost cried just by imagining everyone finding out about her secret and hating her for it.

Hunter has his own weight to hide, too, but even then… he can get by. He always wanted to visit the Human Realm, to feel the non-boiling rain, to feel the sun in his skin, to smell the trees, to take the dirt in his hands… Obviously, he hates imagining what could’ve happened to everyone in the Isles, like Darius or the Owl Lady. Still, Hunter has been adapting well to this new world. He engages with everything, and has learned so much.

Everyone there has their own personal turmoil, but they can rely on each other, no matter where they are.

Luz… can’t.

The more time passes, the more detached she becomes.

She needs someone.

Hunter isn’t really good at it.

But he can try.

No, he will try.

–

The gang is having a movie night, an animated film Gus was really excited to watch. They’re huddled on the couch, sharing popcorn, openly reacting to the movie together. Their palismen will join in to steal their food when they’re not looking. Sometimes the teens have a deep discussion about the movie right in the middle of their watch. It’s fun.

Yet in the meantime, Hunter finds Luz in the corner, her brown eyes devoid of any emotion. She hasn’t eaten anything, she has rejected popcorn and snacks whenever she’s asked. He can’t focus on the movie, either, as he’s unsure what to do about his friend.

That is, until Luz stands up, and argues she’s tired so she’s going to bed. Everyone is concerned, they’ve all been since the film started, but they don’t question. They give her a good night nonetheless, and Luz just waves indifferently before she walks away, her head lowered.

Gus, Willow, and Amity briefly whisper to themselves what they could do about Luz. They’ve tried everything and she still won’t open up to anyone. Hunter only listens, trying to come up with any solution. The film goes by without anyone noticing, not that it matters, of course.

Hunter knows he cannot stand still anymore. Luz needs their help. She needs to know that it’s okay to rely on them. To rely on him.

When he sees Flapjack, Hunter feels as though a light spell illuminates his head. He rushes to the kitchen without any explanation, much to his friends’ confusion. They find him making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Luz’s usual breakfast or night snack every time they have trouble falling asleep. The older teen also makes sure to grab the not-so hot chocolate that he made for them tonight.

“You guys think what we should do next,” Hunter suggests, “while I make sure she eats something, at least.”

Gus, Willow, Amity, and Vee nod determinedly, the same way Camila does. Which is quite a relief considering they’re all very much aware of Hunter’s feelings for Luz, and they certainly don’t back down on their teasing whenever Luz is out to school.

Either way, the other four stay in the living room while Hunter carries the small plate and the hot chocolate with him upstairs. Flapjack is on the top of his head, comfortable in his hair like it’s a nest. The boy assumes that Luz must be in her room, though not asleep. He truly hopes he’s not stalking her, he just wants to check on her and see if she can eat something before bed. Hunter doesn’t want to make her talk. He just wants to take care of her.

But in the dark corridor, the bathroom is lit. The door isn’t closed this time. Luz has her back to him, sighing deeply as if she’s held it for too long.

Hunter hesitates, not wanting to scare her since she doesn’t acknowledge his presence at first. He only clears his throat quietly, making Luz turn around with a slightly startled look, but in the sense that she’s been deep into a black hole and has just returned to reality.

“Oh, hi,” Luz mumbles, masking her pain with a little fond smile. She then notices the food. “Did you make that?”

“Y-Yeah, since you didn’t eat a lot during the movie… we don’t want you getting hungry, right?”

“Right…” Luz blushes, taking the plate and sitting right there on the corridor, not sharing much eye contact with Hunter. She takes a silent bite out of the sandwich and mutters, “Thanks.”

Hunter doesn’t smile as he kneels in front of her, realizing she’s wearing the sweater he customized for her, full of Good Witch Azura elements. Hunter doesn’t understand those books that well, but Luz is certainly passionate about them, and he surprised her with the sweater, colored purple and yellow gold. To think it used to be an old sweater that she had wanted to get rid of…

Luz eventually faces his magenta eyes, smirking in a teasing manner, but it only looks sad.

“What?” She asks.

Hunter blushes, then crosses his arms as they’re shaking slightly.

“I’m…” he swallows. “I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”

Luz’s face starts crumbling.

“I mean, I’ve been worried for a while, we’ve all been. Most of the time, you’re… sad ,” he points out, not meaning to chastise her. “Even when you’re smiling, even when you’re laughing, you’re still really sad…”

She doesn’t try to excuse her way out of this. Luz just listens, holding the remaining half of her sandwich, her eyes not locking a gaze with Hunter’s.

“I- I know why you’re sad, or at least some of it,” Hunter continues. “You’re allowed to be sad. It’s okay to be sad. It just hurts me seeing you hurt like this and I’m not able to help.”

Luz lets go of her sandwich to rub her face. Her eyes.

She doesn’t make a sound.

“Obviously, if you want to be alone, I respect that,” the boy insists. “But if you need someone… I’m always here.” He approaches a little more, lowering his voice, “You can trust me, just like I trust you.”

That’s what convinces Luz to look up. She’s mostly covered in shadows, away from the light, but Hunter can still see her exhausted expression showing something akin to hope. He’s the one who smiles for them both. Finally, Flapjack chirps and quickly flies towards Luz to show her his affection. She even lets out a giggle. A real one.

“Thanks, Hunter,” Luz whispers.

Hunter just nods and grins, supportive.

Luz slowly finishes her whole night snack and Hunter waits until the very end. She hands him the dirty dishes, only to stretch her arms and yawn dramatically.

“I’m going to bed now,” she tells him. “Long day…”

“Okay. Sleep tight.”

…

Except the girl doesn’t leave just yet.

Luz is moving her arms back and forth repeatedly, while making repressed noises. Is she nervous?

Hunter isn’t fast enough to ask, as Luz hugs him, tipping on her toes to reach his shoulder. Nor is he able to wrap his arms around her, because she lets him go rather rushedly.

“Good night!” Luz releases, soon hurrying to her bedroom and closing the door.

The taller teenager stands there for… hours, probably.

He doesn’t move an inch. He could drop the plate and the empty cup.

Not before Flapjack snaps him out of it by “biting” his ear.

“Ack, okay! Okay! Ugh,” he glares at the cardinal, for one second.

Hunter truly did not expect the hug.

And how quick it was, and how nervous Luz acted…

If he thinks too much about it, he’ll never leave the corridor. Before he does, Hunter realizes the bathroom light is still on. He turns it off without thinking too much, and he goes downstairs just to tell the others what happened. He only becomes a tomato when he gets to the hug part, due to the knowing smirks everyone gives him. As for their next action, they’ve considered exploring more of Gravesfield to learn about the portal and the history behind the town. Obviously, for now they’ve decided to plan it better starting tomorrow, once Luz is out, so they all go to bed, deciding to watch the film more properly another day.

Hunter, as usual, takes more time to sleep than Gus. But this isn’t just his regular insomnia, it’s all Luz in his mind. The warmth of her hug…

He just truly hopes that Luz feels comfortable around him with the more difficult things. She doesn’t deserve to suffer in silence like that. She doesn’t deserve to hurt alone.

He sighs at all the good and the bad feelings in his gut.

“I need some sleep…” the blond witch groans to himself.

Strangely, he can’t even tell when exactly his eyes close.

Hunter does remember dreaming about warmth.

And love.

–

Luz hasn’t come to Hunter to talk.

But she does start noticing him more while they’re around other people.

Silently, the younger girl will smile at him only.

Hunter returns the gesture.

That’s pretty much what they’re doing lately.

That’s a good thing! She knows Hunter is there for her now, and she’s grateful for it.

It’s a crucial step. The right path.

They have more alone times, although quick. Luz talks about her daily life without any tension. It’s nice. She’s loosening up around him. Hunter retributes, then they have more lighthearted conversations.

Luz doesn’t look so sad anymore.

Maybe things will be fine.

–

It’s been two weeks or so since that night.

Today is a weekend, everyone is out to help Camila with groceries. Hunter was pretty much put on time out by Camila, yet at the same time she told him he could make Luz some company. The younger Noceda hasn’t gone on grocery trips as of late, because everyone wanted to give her time to wake up and slowly sort out her day. Hunter wouldn’t contain the blush once Camila winked at him with an entrusting look, silently telling him to be with Luz. His friends share the same support.

Thus, it’s only Hunter and Luz at home this morning. He doesn’t think he’s ever had such an opportunity before. She told him she was going to bake brownies, insisting she didn’t need help since brownies are easy to get done. Consequently, Hunter can be found in the bathroom upstairs, doing everything to make his light blond hair look good. It’s grown a little, and he doesn’t want to make that mess again, so he decides to get the combing cream Camila bought for him.

He opens the mirror cabinet, and while he does find the cream…

He finds red, too.

It’s a small razor blade, so small that Hunter can take it with his fingers. Even if it’s sharp and it might cut his skin, Hunter doesn’t find it very painful. Instead, he looks very closely…

The metal is supposed to be shiny gray, yet it’s stained with…

It falls on the ground, the sound too loud to his pointy ears.

Hunter rushes as fast as he can to the kitchen, which smells like chocolate and butter.

“Oh, hey! The brownie still needs more time to–” Luz looks back, growing concerned. “Hunter, what’s wrong?”

He’s panting and sweating, pretty much panicking. Luz looks so normal, so casual…

But Hunter knows the truth.

“Luz,” he risks seriously, “let me see your arm.”

He doesn’t even sound demanding, only desperate.

It has to be a lie, Hunter doesn’t want to believe it.

Yet Luz hugging her sleeved arm, cowering in fear of getting yelled at, is the only answer he needs.

And he feels a stab right through his heart.

Hunter is too shocked to take a step forward. Luz’s brown eyes fill with tears.

“I…” she manages. “I-I…”

Once she begins sobbing, Hunter is out of the trance.

“Luz…”

She only hides from him.

“Luz,” Hunter tries again, “it’s okay, I’m not angry with you.”

The girl keeps crying.

“I’m not angry or disappointed, I swear,” he insists. “I just want to–”

“Why?” Luz raises her voice. “ Why aren’t you angry?”

Even if his heart aches, Hunter inhales.

“Because you deserve help, Luz.”

“No, I don’t!” She yells. “This is all MY fault! I trapped you here, I hurt all of you, so I’m the one who should be hurt!”

“That’s not true.”

“I put everyone in danger, worse, I don’t even know if Eda, King, Raine, the entire Isles are even ALIVE!” Luz’s tears are burning with rage. “It’s NOT FAIR!”

She’s sobbing miserably, the only sound heard in the empty house. Hunter watches, hands shaking. Magenta eyes so wet the tears can’t stay inside.

Luz is hiding her face in her hands. She’s been holding all of this in for too long, and she never had any support.

Before he can break down too, Flapjack has come to the rescue, letting Hunter know what he can do. With this, the boy shuts his eyes, takes the deepest breath, then…

Luz is suddenly silenced, stiff.

His arms aren’t engulfing, but they’re tight. They’re not at all awkward. Hunter is truly, genuinely hugging her, and he’s not letting go. She hasn’t moved or talked at all.

That’s his cue.

“... You saved me, Luz.”

Somehow, she tenses even more. Still not making a noise.

Hunter reaches her brown curls, running his fingers through them.

“I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you,” he resumes. “You always see the good in others. Even me, the Golden Guard. You opened my eyes, you- heck, you gave me Flapjack! I never thought I’d get in touch with wild magic, I never thought I could have friends, I… never thought I could be me .” He sniffs. “And you faced Belos all on your own just to protect me. I could never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, Luz. You literally saved my life.”

She starts relaxing, until two other arms tighten around Hunter, clinging to him desperately. Luz cries again, her sobs tiny and vulnerable. Hunter just soothes her in silence, knowing he’s said everything he had to tell her.

Flapjack manages to squish himself in the hug to comfort Luz, too. Their hug is only interrupted when the oven pings, and Luz is the one who lets go. She dries her face with her sleeve, the Owl Lady’s jacket, to grab the oven glove and take the brownies. Luz appears to use a fork to check if the snack is ready, and it appears to be since she places the brownies on top of the stove.

“We just gotta wait for it to cool down, okay?” Luz tells him, giving him a sad, broken smile.

He knows better than that, of course.

Flapjack is still sitting on her shoulder, nuzzling against her cheek. Luz snorts at his cuteness, but her hands seem to tremble as she tries to hide it from Hunter. They clutch the region of her lower arms as if they hurt.

Hunter steps up – but not meaning to cross any boundaries – to put a gentle hand behind her back.

“Does it hurt?” He whispers, even though nobody’s home.

Luz only nods without saying anything.

“Can I… see them?” He wonders. “You don’t have to show me if you don’t want to.”

Still… she does.

Luz’s right arm is red, but the cuts are no longer bleeding. They’re mostly red lines that fill her lower arm. Her left one is the same.

Hunter’s heart shatters, his hand almost touching the cuts, only to retract his fingers.

Except Luz takes his hand and squeezes it, telling him that it’s okay to touch the wounds.

Although he has her permission, he still tries to be as light and gentle as possible while his scarred fingers soothe the cuts. Luz doesn’t flinch, even though they look like they’re burning her brown skin. Hunter’s thumb rubs each of her arms, all of her cuts.

He knows pain, but this kind of pain? Self-inflicted pain? Even if Hunter is a Grimwalker, he never felt like punishing his own body. The only thing he did to change it was cut his hair, which could still be fixed with the proper haircut. He knows that self-injury will leave scars.

He thought the only scar Luz had was the one above her left eye. Not these. And that’s because he doesn’t know about her mental scars.

Luz looks guilty, probably noticing how concerned Hunter is.

“I didn’t mean for it to go this far, I swear,” she explains as if she’s going to get yelled at. “When I started it, I thought I wouldn’t keep it up. But I was tired and- and angry at myself for everything that happened, and suddenly I was hurting my arms like it was a daily habit I always had.”

Hunter doesn’t question it, but he feels something inside him sting just imagining how long Luz has been doing this.

“No one was supposed to find out,” Luz continues. “But I didn’t think it through, again ”– he winces at the word choice –“and now I just made you upset.”

“Luz… of course I’m upset that you’re hurt. But again, I’m not angry with you for being hurt.” He carefully holds both of her hands. “I know what it’s like to be in pain and not see a way out of this. I know that isolation seems like the better option. That’s why I told you, and I’ll keep telling you, that you don’t deserve to hurt, least of all alone.”

She doesn’t look entirely convinced, as the guilt still reigns in her mind, but Luz’s eyes do look less… heavy, if that’s the right word. And most importantly, she’s not masking her sadness around him anymore.

He stares back at the red, stinging cuts.

“We should try treating them,” Hunter suggests.

“I already disinfected them…”

“Yeah, but we could do a little more than that, to lower your pain.”

Hunter offers her a hand, to which she takes with reddened cheeks. He takes her to the same little restroom they were right after they arrived in the Human Realm, the only place they felt safe in.

He knows humans are different from him, and he also knows he’s not exactly a witch, but Camila has taught him the basics to first aid. Hunter wastes no time to bandage both of Luz’s arms, after gently putting some ointment on her skin. Once again, Luz doesn’t flinch at all during the process, which is alarming to him considering that even he would let out pained protests, as someone who’s dealt with injuries his entire life, treating them all on his own.

Maybe Luz doesn’t react to it because she believes she deserves to hurt.

She stares at her bandaged arms, like she’s trying to figure out the answers to the universe.

“W-What are they going to do when they see these?” Luz asks. “What am I going to tell them?”

Hunter goes beyond and cups her left cheek, wiping a falling tear.

“I know they would do anything to help you feel better,” he reassures her, “and they would never force you to talk. You don’t have to tell them, Luz, at least not yet.” He hums. “I could talk to them for you, too, if you’d like.”

Luz melts into Hunter’s hand, her own reaching it.

“... I’ll think about it,” she mumbles.

He smiles. Flapjack chirps.

“You want to eat some of those brownies?” The magenta-eyed teen suggests.

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

Flapjack chirps again.

“No Flap, I don’t think you can eat those,” Hunter rolls his eyes.

Luz giggles maybe for the first time today. “He already eats everything he wants, doesn’t he?”

“Well, he shouldn’t .”

The cardinal makes a wounded animal sound, much to Luz’s big sparkling eyes.

“He’s such a wittle guy,” she squeals, like she would give all of her possessions to Flapjack.

Hunter grins like an idiot seeing her and Flapjack bonding. His palisman is really attached to her, maybe more than anyone else in the house, which only makes everything more obvious, and it only makes Hunter look more of an idiot. But that’s not really a bad thing, he supposes.

He realizes brownies are actually the best thing he’s ever eaten, so they end the whole thing in at least half an hour. Hunter, of course, apologizes for ending Luz’s brownies so quickly, but she just snorts.

“Don’t worry, I made them for you,” she reassures him. “Thought it’d be a thanks for everything you’ve done for me.”

Hunter’s cheeks flush red. “O-Oh. You didn’t have to.”

“I had to, actually.” Luz’s grin is small but meaningful. “Knowing how far you go to make me happy… you really care and it means the world to me.”

“... you mean the world to me.”

Luz’s eyes widen a little.

Shoot.

“I-I mean-! I mean…” Hunter groans in embarrassment, internally cringing at his tone just now. “Luz, you are great, okay? Not just GREAT, you’re… you’re incredible and- and brave, and you always work so hard even in the hardest moments… Which is why I, um…” he holds his own hands. “I want to be there for you, always. Especially the hardest moments. Because I…”

He doesn’t think he’s ever said this out loud, not even to his own uncle when he was younger. Hunter doesn’t recall Belos saying the words he wants to tell Luz right now.

“... I…” he gulps. “I love you.”

Luz’s eyes are bright like stars, like the light spells that became her brand. Hunter feels his entire face heating up, as well as his ears.

“Y-You don’t have to feel the same, we don’t have to- to change anything about us, it’s fine,” he quickly reassures. “I’m still unsure about a lot of things, I still don’t know how to feel about myself, but I do know that I feel alright just by being around you. That’s really more than enough for me.”

Even Flapjack seems awestruck by the sincerity in Hunter’s words, while Luz… tears up again.

“Luz?” He says in alarm, about to apologize when…

She hugs him again.

“I love you, too,” the girl says, muffled by his sweater.

Hunter sighs in fondness, squeezing her in return.

This hug doesn’t last very long, nor is it too rushed. Luz seems to be tired but it’s the good kind of tired. They end up on the couch, the house smelling like chocolate and home. They’ve turned on the TV to some random show. They’re holding hands, glued to each other. Hunter will make stupid comments every now and then, to which Luz always replies, until he realizes that she only hums and never expands on it.

When he finally looks back, Luz has fallen asleep on his shoulder.

Hunter smiles affectionately, hearing her peaceful breaths, feeling her warmth against his pale skin.

The front door opens, yet Luz doesn’t even bat an eye at Camila’s voice calling for the two of them. If anything, Luz just clings closer to Hunter, and he only blushes harder when her mother and the others find the two alone in the living room.

Camila looks like she’s going to cry of joy and take a picture of them, Vee smiles supportively, and Gus, Willow, and Amity are proud, yet of course teasing. Hunter just gives them an awkward thumbs up.

The gang puts away the groceries, doing their best not to make a lot of noise, while Hunter also decreases the volume of the TV. Luz breathes in and out without a care in the world. He puts an arm around her to settle her better. She mumbles something incomprehensible but pleased.

Hunter feels like he could be here forever.

#the owl house #toh hunter #luz noceda #lunter #camila noceda #toh flapjack #food mention #self-harm tw #sh tw #cutting tw #injury tw #depression tw #abuse mention tw #self harm tw #fanfiction #long post

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bielobog-kun · 11 months

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i think the most shocking thing i've learned while trying to live with my brain has been how many therapists just do not deal with trauma at all. i know there are many people who did not experience childhood trauma, but in terms of its effects on the lives of trauma survivors and how they interact with others it is one of the defining characteristics of the human experience. can you imagine becoming a mental health professional and saying you know what, that's a little too rich for my blood. i think i'll teach my patients yoga nidra and breathing exercises and ask them if they go to church, and if they come to me wanting to talk about CSA or other abuse or neglect i'll end the "relationship" and ask if they've considered forgiving their abusers.

i genuinely don't think we can move forward as a species until we acknowledge trauma and deal with it at the root. but people are SO powerfully invested in pretending that we don't hurt each other, sometimes without meaning to at all. i wonder if many people don't fear (or know) that they were the person who hurt someone, and that if we acknowledge trauma they might be held to account somehow.

i personally no longer blame anyone for what hurt me in a lasting way and i don’t desire any punishment for anyone. i am a CSA survivor, but i had the support of my parents during that time; they believed me and protected me and shunned the abuser (though of course nothing happened to him legally). it was the long-term and complete neglect i experienced later in youth, for which my mother was responsible but not really accountable because of her own terrible circumstances, that has done the most lasting harm to me. and there are very few resources that would allow me to have a serious discussion about this with a professional i trust who is also in my insurance network.

i have done a lot of work on my own and read a lot of books but it’s only now that i actually have health insurance and spare cash for the copays. it’s a sad thing to discover that therapists essentially want only the easiest cases.

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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TW for gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse as well as self harm.

my nickname is isa

I’m looking for maybe advice and support?

so, I think my brother is abusive. I’m 20 and he’s 19. i recently started going to therapy due to the sexual abuse I faced as a child/teen and in a random bout of confidence I confided in him and told him what had happened to me. he offered a smoke, but overall didn’t react. and I guess I liked that he didn’t, it made me feel okay because lord knows i was not prepared to cry that night. later on maybe about a week after, I was watching tv and he comes beside me and is trying to get my attention. i play along and we’re teasing and he’s poking fun and he says “hey isa, hey, wanna see this message this gay guy sent me? he’s trying to get with me, he’s trying to molest me, he’s gonna rape me” and I just couldn’t move. i was horrified and when I told him not to say that, he waved it off as a joke and because I’m me, I let it go. another week passes and I’m in the kitchen just chopping nuts for some bread I was making and from behind me he asks what the time is. our oven clock is broken so I say “oh it’s 12 something” and it gets quiet and he says “isa, what do you do in this house? do you have a job, do you make money, do you do anything?”. And I thought he was being fake serious so I played along and said “I go to school” “school…that’s it?” “Yep” and when I turn around he’s just pissed and he has this look of just pure hate.

“When I ask for the goddamn time give it to me, don’t give me that bullshit” and I was just shocked, I kept asking if he was serious and he just kept cursing me out “You’re so stupid, you’re such a fucking bitch. Why are you always so difficult”. And I couldn’t take it, I got my keys and drove to some park and cried just asking myself why I was even here. It’s not the first time he’s yelled at me like that, on more than a few occasions he has punched a wall or gotten in my face to where I can only cry, he’s slapped me once too but to be fair I slapped him first. He was talking about how he wants to kill himself and I panicked and gave him a tap on the cheek, and I didn’t mean to it was honestly just some reaction and before I could apologize he slapped me back, hard. it was kind of funny actually he said “these hands are rated E for everyone, you hit me I’ll hit you back”. i don’t think that really counts though since I did it first but idk. and now he hasn’t said a word to me. he’s ignoring me, won’t speak to me, won’t do anything. and I just don’t know. usually after he yells at me like that he avoids me or gives me a “I’m sorry” text and then we go back to normal but, this time rattled me more than I thought it would. and I don’t know. is he abusive? am I exaggerating? i love him and want to forgive him but, I know it’s not that simple. he was admitted to the psych ward not too long ago and diagnosed with OCD and I get it you know he has some issues he has to work through and I’ve tried to be nicer or just less difficult but no matter what I do it always ends the same. He doesn’t curse out my other siblings, it’s always just me.

Hi isa,

I'm sorry about what you've been through and are going through right now.

OCD and any mental health issues for that matter are no excuse for abusive behavior. What you described sounds abusive physically, emotionally, verbally, and perhaps even psychologically as well.

I don't think you're exaggerating. There is nothing you did or could do to deserve abuse. It sounds like he reacts disproportionately to the situation. You don't deserve to take this. I'm wondering if your parents or guardians are aware of his behavior. If anyone has any tips or suggestions please feel free to add on.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #trauma details #abuse #emotional abuse #SA #tw r #isa

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thesofttones · 2 years

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I dream a lot about flying.. I've had this dream ever since I was little

Where I start walking and suddenly I take off into the air and start flying away from everyone... it usually happened every time I felt like I was being punished or trapped and as of right now in my situation right now I am.

Hi.. my name is samantha or you can also call me sky.. I've been through some pretty traumatic things in my life starting from my childhood to even now.. I'm worried where my life may end up if the toxic life I'm living keeps up... people say you can make your own path and choose your own journey ...but it's been very hard for me to do that ever since I was little I've been in very abusive and toxic situations with not only verbal abuse but physically too... I was told when I was young I could never go to a friend's house I could never go for a walk anywhere and I could never be left alone. At the age of 19 I was still getting babysat by my next door neighbor I couldn't have a friend over at all... and I did try to leave once or twice just to go for a walk but once I left the door and ignored what they said about leaving they started threatening calling the police on me for leaving....In my home was somewhere I never wanted to go because it scared me...I was scared of the fist hitting me across the mouth and my lip always splitting. I was scared of the booming roar of the voice yelling at me, punishing me for self harm. Telling me it's a mess instead of calling the ambulance or cops or something to help me

And now I'm in this situation

I was homeless

For 2 years in a hospital

Crying almost every night wishing I had someplace to call home someplace I'd be at peace someplace I'd be happy..

How did I become homeless?

Well..

It started when I broke my ankle and leg into a compound fracture...while being on my last eviction notice for my apartment

Yea wow I finally got my own place...

But guess who had controlled over alllllll my money and wasnt paying my rent...

You guessed it

The abuser

I was walking back into my apartment from the rain and I didn't see a dryer sheet on the floor and BOOM slipped ankle went BACK'WORDS AND BONE POPPED RIGHT OUTTA MY LEG

I started SCREAMING for help..

Luckily my neighbor came to help

Next thing I know ...I'm in the hospital and a week goes by and they tell me I've been evicted........

Great!

Homeless year 1

A year goes by I'm DEFINITELY depressed wasnt allowed to go outside at all besides the court yard.. and the patients there were mean old ladys

But I got out

( I thought )

They put me in a retirement home.....

I was upset ..I had to deal with old people staring and judging me... and they literally were

They were bullies they would talk behind my back all because I was young did different makeup had piercings and ya was kinda overweight...

I felt so out of place...

After 1 month of being there I ended back in the hospital because the abuser wasnt even paying the rent there either

Homeless year 2

The nurses mistreated me a lot...

They would tell me my seizures were fake because apparently they've seen all seizures and mine is a fake one even if my lips are turning blue it's still fake. Even if I'm coughing up blood it's still fake... I didnt understand..... I tried ending my life a lot but they did absolutely nothing but get mad at me for it...I remember the time I tried giving myself a heart attack by drinking 1 entire tub of Nescafe instant coffee and all the nurses were saying was " your getting really annoying sam and I'm kind of getting sick of it " ...thanks that helps me mental health lots

But now...

August 5th

The day I left the hospital

The day they promised my freedom back

The day they said I would have peace restored and this would go on to be better for me.......

I was excited...

I have no freedom here..just as I had none at the hospital for 2 years...I'm not allowed to leave...go for walks...no not even a short walk or across the street....I cant have friends over...I cant go to friends...I cant get a job...I just sit ...in the home...

And currently my funding is gone it's been gone for 6 months now...so I have to wait till I get it back with a trustee but rent is 2500 a month here and that's most of what I make ...

I'm scared...

And trapped...

My heart hurts...

I want to be free........

#freedom #homelessness #abuse victim #canada #urgent #in need #victims #mutual aid #support #housing #crisis #anything helps #please reblog

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heterochromatica · 2 years

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Unpopular Opinion time for real lol

This is my personal perspective and all that, please keep that in mind. What I say is not the ultimate unchallenged truth and never will be. This is what I see and observe and how I feel about it.

a) For me it’s easier to forgive Enji than Rei.

b) Rei didn’t break down because of Enji

c) The way Natsuo behaved was selfish and childish

My reasoning behind those three things are intervened with each other so if you’re interested in this please bear with me. Read under the cut:

First of all what bothers me is that Enji at least addresses that he fucked up and does not try to justify anything or sugar coat it. He does not try to forget or to move on like nothing ever happened, he wants to atone accordingly and actually faces the consequences of his actions AND he actually fucking apologized. He said he doesn’t want forgiveness right away. He doesn’t want pity. He accepts whatever they chose and however they decide to meet him. He has accepted that he cannot change the past but be better than that for the future.

Rei did none of that. (At least not on screen, to be fair)

And it genuinely pisses me off that she seems to get off easy in all of this, some people in the fandom being way too forgiving with her. SHE hurt her son, an innocent child that had no fault in this. Mental health issues is never an excuse to hurt or harm others, especially not those who you’re supposed to protect. She abused him, not just physically but mentally too. Let’s be real, there is a reason Shoto wasn’t able to visit her for ten fucking years. He was probably scared shitless by her too. She took it all out on him even if she didn’t mean to. Even under the aspect of her being traumatized from supposedly losing her son, the constant fighting in their marriage, everything breaking apart around her and feeling triggered by everything that reminded her of Touya. Don’t get me wrong I can fully imagine seeing Shoto that night must have felt like seeing a ghost, especially with declining mental health she was probably losing it and I can get behind that. BUT that doesn’t excuse the fact that she hurt Shoto. Her mental issues are no free pass for abusing him.

Which brings me to mention that I don’t think that the main reason why Rei had that mental breakdown was Enji. The scene in Shotos memories we only hear her talking about “him” and how Shoto’s left side “reminds me of him”. Now lets think about this. At the time Touya had partly red hair too and blue eyes, exactly Enji’s features too, the same as Shoto. The worst thing that can happen to a mother is losing her own child, there is nothing in this world that can compare to the pain and trauma of this. I don’t wanna know how bad she’s been feeling and how the guilt of not being able to help Touya was probably consuming her. We know canonly that even as it was an arranged marriage Rei and Enji did love each other somehow. So I do think it was a accumulation of everything that happened + losing Touya + her marriage being in shambles. It’s not all Enji’s fault which doesn’t mean he’s innocent either. But in conclusion to this, seeing Shoto that very night probably spooked her, as I said above, like seeing a ghost that came to haunt her about her fault in Touya dying.

Not to mention that her dumping all the pressure and responsibility on him is wrong in every way possible. It’s manipulative, toxic and unhealthy for Shoto. The whole “he’s our family hero” deal is not okay. It puts him on the spot to actually be just that. No one EVER asked him if he really wanted to be a hero and if he wanted to do this. He would never deny it because he’s never been asked for his opinion in the first place so why would he speak up? He does not have to clean up your mess, lady. He’s the child here and Rei should be able (mental health or not) to deal with the consequences of her fucking up as the adult she is. It’s not Shoto’s job to mend things, it’s not Shotos responsibility to make things work but he DOES because he feels like he has to. She should not just try to heal herself but also to make up for not being a mother to her youngest son at all.

Last but not least, the way Natsuo threw a fucking fit at their dinner was selfish and childish. Like this dinner wasn't about them as a family it was to support Shoto and his friends. The friends he never got the chance to have previously. It was about him having a good time for once, which he never fucking had and I feel like as a 20 something years old adult you can fucking pull yourself together and do your sister and your brother a fucking favor and keep your own issues to yourself for two fucking hours. Especially considering they had guests, like boy how old are you again? He’s not a fucking teenager anymore! He was neglected, which is bad too, don’t get me wrong but like, this evening was about Shoto. Shoto suffered more than enough. What Natsuo did efficiently ruined the evening for his siblings and was nothing but a childish tantrum, unnecessary and selfish. He could have pushed through that or not attend it in the first place but showing up already pulling a face was not just rude to their guests but also cruel towards his sister and his brother.

Shoto is too good and too kind and too pure to deny them. They don’t fucking deserve him (except Fuyumi because Fuyumi is bean) and he’s taken such big steps towards healing and dealing with everything and he is the one who put in all the effort towards Rei and always tries to make things right.

He loves his family and he deserves better than that.

#long post #you can fight me on this idc #this is what I feel like #Out of icyhot: I'm just an NPC #[Lukas talking]

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transpersian · 1 month

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hi, I came to your blog from the masterpost because i was wondering about all the broken links and if you’d deleted the posts. please forgive me if i’m out of line on any of this especially seeing as i’m a stranger, and feel free to ignore this ask if you don’t feel comfortable answering.

firstly, i want to say that i’m so sorry about your situation at the moment and the state of your mental health. as someone who also has bpd i can understand the long term devastation and the piling up of things making that so much worse. I’m glad you made the choice to separate yourself from something that’s causing you more pain and stress, and I hope that it helps you heal. my heart goes out to you.

not gonna dump on you here or anything, but i’m someone who has reached out to an abuser of mine after years had gone by, and reconnected. i forgave this person and we are still in contact. while I don’t excuse their abuse or forgive those actions specifically, I have grown enough to understand that we were both very young and very mentally ill, and we have both grown and learned a lot since then.

i tell you this because i very much empathise with your decision to speak with poppy again. from reading what happened to you, it’s clear you never got any closure and I hope that you at least gain that from her if nothing else.

my take on poppy is that she is very fragile and doesn’t do well coping and treating her mental illnesses. i empathise with her jealousy and feel of being abandoned or replaced. she doesn’t seem to me like an irredeemable or bad person, but she has done some very bad, abusive and inexcusable things that she needs to take accountability for. personally, i do not think she is healthy enough for a relationship at this time and especially not a poly one. she MOST DEFINITELY should not be in a parental or caregiver role to anyone, especially not those significantly younger than her. (zena, on the other hand, gives me huge TOXIC ABUSER DO NOT INTERACT OR APPROACH EVER signals, but that’s just my personal impression.)

sorry, i am rambling at this point but the original point i was trying to get across here is that the anons in your inbox telling you you’re a bad person or an abuse apologist for being in contact with poppy need to try to understand that the situation is so much more complicated and nuanced than what we are seeing from the outside. you’re doing what you need to do to heal and i believe that you should be free to do so without judgement (as long as you aren’t causing any harm, which it doesn’t appear that you are as of right now).

talking to her doesn’t mean you’re excusing what she’s done to you or even forgiving it, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re excusing the horrible things she’s done to her child.

thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for being a safe space for survivors and others that have been hurt. you seem to me like a very strong and compassionate woman. take care of yourself, melina. your kind heartedness and inner strength have given me hope as a survivor of sa and abuse.

Thank you, anon.

I don't get asks like this very often these days. You wouldn't believe the number of asks I've gotten literally accusing me of betraying all of the people who trusted me (including and especially the survivors) literally just because I "wanted to ERP" with Poppy, which is... mind-boggling.

Even some of my own (former) friends don't understand what you've said here. So I needed this.

Thank you. 💜

#zenaandpoppy #poppy and zena #milena

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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 4 months

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So....I'm just putting this into words as I'm starting to process it all, no one is obligated to reply or DM (you can if you'd like to, just not required). But there's been some...crazy shit my mother admitted that I gotta get out of my brain.

Trigger/Content Warnings (uncensored words that can be filtered/blocked): abuse (intentional) & neglect (intentional), ableism, maltreatment of a disabled/mentally ill person, (baffling) transphobia, parental trauma, self harm, ideation/attempts, mention of razor blades

So, we've been tentatively (pending medication evaluation to make sure the meds are working) diagnosed with a few things by a psychiatrist, and prescribed meds for some of it. We now have PTSD (they can't diagnose C-PTSD yet but PTSD helps us get flashback/night terror sleep meds that help us fall back asleep when night terrors/flashbacks wake us up (Prazosin)), ADHD (reconfirmed/previously diagnosed but now approved for meds (Adderall)), D.I.D. (no meds for it but they said they'd “make note of it” because it may affect how/if meds work), and Bipolar Disorder (infrequent/slower swings - month or more long episodes at a time) on paper. We have bipolar depression meds (lamotrigine), ADHD stimulants, & PTSD meds. The bipolar meds are daily, PTSD meds & ADHD meds are both “as needed”.

We've been sleeping way better, and able to actually schedule/go to appointments and apply to jobs and generally be an adult.

The bipolar meds are working. It's like our brain had this thick wintery fog preventing us from seeing more than a day into the future where we were still alive, and now the fog is thinner and I can see days ahead, a month ahead, and actually plan accordingly. And that's only on 1/4 dose (they have to slowly bump you up (every 2 weeks up 1/4) to prevent side effects; after 2 months we'll be at full dose, so in mid February we'll be at full dose). It's amazing how much the meds are already doing given it's just 1/4 what we'll be prescribed when they can.

So,, the fact that the meds are working so well means we have bipolar. I decided to tell our parents just to see if they knew. ...They did. Our father said they already knew but “didn’t wanna force a label on” me.

Two days later I texted our mother with questions and clarifications. How long had they known? What else had they noticed and not told me? Did they know I was trans before I did?

A day after I texted, she finally replied.

They knew we were bipolar 2 years ago. She claims they talked about it in front of me/us so there was no need to tell me (if she's being honest, I don't remember it— but the fact that none of us remember that is...sketchy, especially given our father said they were never going to tell us). The only comment about our mental health that entire time was “you better be talking to your therapist about that” (/snarky) when she saw I'd been self harming. She admitted last year that she “didn't know what to say/how to help”, as if she couldn't have asked her adult child what they needed or how to help. So they apparently knew we were depressed and she did nothing to prevent multiple attempts in that time or to help prevent self harm (she even went so far as to buy us *sharper* razor blades because she claimed she thought we were “slipping [on accident] while shaving” so...she enabled it?)

She also admitted she knew as early as 4th grade that I had clinical anxiety & ADHD. She only tried to get me diagnosed for the ADHD (which didn't finally get diagnosed until 2016, when I was 16 or 17) and ignored the anxiety. That anxiety has turned into even worse diagnose-able disorder levels (which are eased a little with testosterone and bipolar meds but still plagues us nonetheless). So apparently she neglected the anxiety on purpose, and shamed us for ADHD symptoms/traits despite confidently knowing we had it.

She also admitted she knew I was struggling academically as early as middle school. Her only solution at the time was to offer homeschooling, which I of course said no to. It's one of two things she actually accepted a no for (the other was asking if I wanted to go to Christian church, & she didn't really want to go so she quickly accepted a no). When I dropped out of uni in 2020 due to the overwhelmed compounding stress (in hindsight: PTSD flashbacks, newly discovered D.I.D., ragingly unmedicated ADHD & bipolar, autism that wasn't recognized or accommodated...and then a concussion in Nov 2019 adding to all of that), apparently fully aware that I had bipolar and was neurodivergent and showed signs of PTSD, she called us an “academic failure” and a “financial failure”.

She then admitted, unintentionally, why she's been so transphobic the past 5 years since we came out. She claims that she noticed we “suddenly” didn't want to “be perceived as female” in high school, but she attributes this to “lack of self confidence” that needed self defense/martial arts classes to be fixed, and “immature boys” flirting with us. So she basically views us, a transmasc person who is happily 8+ months on testosterone, as an insecure girl who just didn't like to be sexualized by immature boys. I have addressed this multiple times in the past 5 years, including telling her that a gay man perceived me sexually (he checked me out & definitely perceived me as a man; we were in the LGBT+ club at uni together) and it made me very happy, so it had nothing to do with being sexually perceived *if they didn't think I was a woman*.

It's been a few days. I didn't text her back because I was so hurt and angry that she didn't tell me she knew and kept bullying (abusing) me and pressuring me to detransition and refusing to get me meds (even Tylenol wasn't ”allowed” in that house, it was evil, she's a bit of a ‘crunchy mom’) and then bullying me for being difficult and uncooperative. I'm still hurt and angry.

I wanted to assume good intentions. No parent actually hurts their kid on purpose, ¿right? ...¿Right?

But apparently they did. My understanding of my upbringing and my parents is shattered and darkened with some very painful and real shadows and intentions.

I was telling our girlfriend about all this, and she said I have the backstory of a villain origin story and it's amazing that I chose to fight to be a good person despite it all. She's surprised (positively, not like I would've actually) that I didn't kill my parents. But I saw everything I didn't wanna be, and I filled in the blank spaces in the gaps hoping to create someone good. I guess I succeeded, but it hurts that I proved it's possible and my parents are choosing not to do what I did.

So...that's why I've been so quiet lately. ✌😅

~Nico

#personal #personal vent #bipolar disorder #trauma #healing #healing from trauma #~Nico #actually traumatized #complex ptsd #c ptsd #dissociative identity disorder #ptsd #abusive parents #neglectful parents

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