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teyrnacousland · 5 years

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Anders Has BPD: a List of Things by Me

Using mostly examples from DAA because DA2 has some Concerning “mental illness is just like ~possession~” type nonsense going on and I don’t want to wade through that. Here we go!

He's hyper empathetic. In the wending woods when he realizes people are dying for nothing and he's just so upset (his tone reminds me of how I feel whenever I accidentally watch/read Bad Things in the news), in Amaranthine he’s absolutely distraught at the thought of leaving even one person behind to die, he risked his freedom to save the life of some Bann when he was 12 years old and freshly escaped and really should have been laying low, pretty much any time someone is hurting he's literally desperate to help them

---Except when it's people who Don't Count. He has zero sympathy for Templars, even joking about the one Templar dying. And he says some pretty awful things to Fenris and Merrill, even when the latter is dealing with something horrible. He’s very black and white about this. Speaking of...

Black and white thinking. Anders is all about Good and Bad. Spirits are Good, demons are Bad. Mages are Good, Templars are Bad. Justice is Good, anger is Bad. Andraste is Good, the Chantry is Bad (he's Andrastian, but even in Awakening he approves of stealing from the Chantry and disapproves of helping it). Saving people is Good, burning a city to the ground is Bad (fun fact, Anders is the only companion who doesn’t approve of that no matter what you say. The others can be convinced. Not Anders. He can just be convinced to give in and accept it, never to agree.)

---He sorts people he meets into Good or Bad categories too. There is no in between, although there are more extreme versions of the Good box, which are the “I know I just met you but I’m at least 50% madly in love with you” box and the “I would literally die for you, you are the definition of perfection and you can do no wrong” box).

---Velanna: fellow mage friend, Good. Merrill: Blood mage, demons, Bad. Bethany: mage, related to Hawke, Good. Aveline: guard, married a Templar, Bad.

---I can’t think of an in game example of him splitting (going from total idealization to total with anyone, but he absolutely would and does trust me I’m an expert. He’s absolutely the type of person who will instantly stop being friends with someone if they make fun of his cat, or if they make One insensitive joke he doesn’t like, or talk to him with the Wrong Tone.

Extreme emotions. When Anders is angry he’s ready to rip apart a half dozen Templars with his bare hands. When he’s happy there are no problems in the world and everything is perfect because he’s free and there’s pie here. (Long term plans? What do you mean long term plans? Things are fine right now?). When he’s sad (which we don’t see so much in Awakening because he’s on an up swing) he’s miserable and hopeless and hides away in his room for weeks on end because there’s literally no point to anything. When he’s in love he’s so in love. (When he’s with Karl he doesn’t even try to escape the Circle, because the Circle and all of its horrors are suddenly bearable because he has Karl. When he loves Hawke, he sees Hawke as perfect and can do no wrong, and Justice is even annoyed by this (at least at first) and sees Hawke as a distraction because Anders can’t stop thinking about them literally all the time).

Impulsive. He is definitely impulsive. He came back to help you fight an army of darkspawn that just took out every warden and Soldier in the place because he just... wanted to help. You find him hiding around the corner from them because he was likely forced to realize he has no idea what he’s actually planning on doing. Then he agrees to join the Wardens without thinking about it at all. Then he starts a conversation with someone he barely knows by basically saying "So, Jesus is pretty fuckable, huh". The man has no filter or impulse control.

---He impulsively overshares too. You can tell from the way he answers questions in dialogue and banter that he’d rather joke and deflect than answer personal questions honestly. And yet within like a week of meeting you he’s told you about how he’s run away from the Circle seven times and they kept him in solitary for a year once. One of the first things he says to you is that this Templar used to call him inhuman and that the Templars kick him in the head to wake him up sometimes. And you cannot convince me that any neurotypical person starts a conversation with a complete stranger with “hi, I’ve been abused for most of my life, what’s your name?”

---At least some of his Circle escapes/attempts were likely impulsive. The epilogue says he ran away from the Keep several times but came back which to me implies it’s become one of those “I feel restless and am about to do something impulsive and stupid” things

---One time when he ran away from the Circle he went to Denerim and had an orgy with a pirate

---Even joining with Justice was pretty impulsive and risky tbh. Neither of them really knew what would happen.

Anger. He’s often at least bitter and sarcastic whenever anything even slightly bad happens. If you say something that upsets him or even just reminds him of something that upsets him he either makes a sarcastic quip and gets distant and withdrawn, or he goes into a full on angry rant. Anders was super angry in DAA, and expresses it even in situations where he probably shouldn’t (snarking at the Templar who just said she wants to see him executed, at you (his boss and the only reason he’s not in the Circle or dead right now) even at the beginning when he barely knows you and can’t know how you’ll react to that, etc) like he just can’t hold it in. This anger often comes on pretty suddenly and often vanishes just as fast.

Gets attached to people so fast. He latches onto Velanna literally as soon as you meet her (he approves of both helping her and recruiting her) and at that point all he knows about her is she’s an attractive angry elven mage who tried to use magic trees to kill you. His banters with her imply it’s at least partly if not mostly because she's a fellow mage (he wants to talk about magic with her!) Also in their banters, he’s more open with her. Nathaniel asks him how the Templars find him and he just snaps “incredibly angry, that’s how” but when Velanna asks about his escapes he tells her that they found him with his phylactery. I’m pretty sure Velanna is the only person he ever actually apologizes to for making a joke to (”(chuckes) I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”). And again, she’s not even very nice to him. He’s attached to her and sees himself as closer to her even when that doesn’t seem to be reciprocated to that level. (He also does this with Hawke in DA2, where he’ll be in love with you even if you’re absolute shit to him.)

---He gets pretty attached to you (the Warden-Commander) pretty quickly too.

---Anders is the "he held open a door for me once and smiled at me so now I'm planning our wedding" kind of guy, I think he’s had a bit of a crush on all of your companions at some point tbh (For sure Nate and Velanna and you, and Justice, and probably Sigrun too).

---He falls in love with Hawke almost as soon as they meet too, even if you're horrible and mean to him (Hawke is his FP just saying)(I don’t mean that in a good way I mean it in an unhealthy way that he and Hawke would have to learn to talk through and fix)

Fear of abandonment, absolutely. That’s probably one of the reasons he runs from Vigil’s Keep in the epilogue. Everything’s just too good, it can’t last, something’s going to go wrong and so he might as well be the one to leave because the more he likes it there and likes the people there the worse it would be to lose it all.

---He keeps people at a distance and acts as charming and endearing as he can, probably curses himself whenever he slips and is honest with people (which is pretty often, see impulsive oversharing) because he wants people to like him and not leave him.

---(This is why he does the charming thing less in DA2, I think. Because he has Justice. Justice won’t leave him and Justice is always in his head thinking and believing that Anders is good whether people like him or not, and those thoughts are in Anders’ head so they’re calming these fears like subconsciously, if that makes sense?)

Lack of/unstable sense of personal identity. He has no connection to his name as seen by how he just accepted this random nickname as his name from then on, which isn't strictly a BPD thing but it is a feeling I’ve seen a lot of people with BPD relate to.

---He doesn't really know what he wants to do because he doesn't really know who he is aside from the Circle mage who keeps escaping. If he's not the runaway mage then what is he?

---And in DA2 he has trouble distinguishing between himself and Justice whereas Justice doesn't seem to have that problem as much (in the Fade it's always very clear when it's Justice vs Anders speaking, because Justice is in control and Justice has a better idea of who's who)

Anyways yeah, Anders has BPD, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

#anyways enjoy my self indulgent bs #Anders #bpd!Anders #he's also bipolar but I don't have that one. bubonickitten has some great bipolar Anders posts though!#I have this one so I'm kinda an expert lmao #da headcanons #long post

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bpdeadd · 4 years

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So personal post stuff and not gon say EVERYTHING but my brother got drunk the other night and he has an addiction to alcohol anyways & has been 4 months sober (I think its been that long? idk) but he called my parents up the other night and my mum refused to speak to him n so did my dad n I heard them talking about it so I called him n had a chat w him n tbh I feel really awful for him bc he's obviously in a lot of pain and has been for YEARS and that's how he copes with shit - doesn't make it a right thing but I know what its like to keep clinging to unhealthy coping mechanisms when smth triggers u off or when yr in a lot of pain n there's no escape from that n u go to what has ‘worked’ before - smth u feel comfortable with, and my brother had a lot to say about how he was feeling but it sounds like he's just giving up on things and he hates everyone and the world (and even said to me there's no happy ending for us - meaning him and me etc. bc we’re similar etc) n even getting help or maybe possibly he feels like noone wanted to help him or he doesn’t deserve it or smth which I get but for me personally with my own stuff it feels like noone cares so idk what it’d be for my brother but yh

Anyways my parents went off about him tonight at dinner and he's basically an ‘embarrassment’ to them at this point which I feel is unfair bc its like they’re ignoring his pain and his cries for help n stuff (like he's attempted su*ci*e n all that before) n it just feels like they don't rly care too much about GENUINELY helping him they’ll just get angry and bitch about his behaviour but do nothing to reach out to him to see how he is or anything and my mum was calling him abusive and saying that me calling him was his way of ‘manipulating and abusing’ me which i’m ???? and said to me to be careful and idk I feel like he was just trying to say how he felt and I was the one who called him so ??? and why is him saying how he feels abusive and manipulative??? do they feel and think the same about me when I try to say anything about how I feel?? is this how they view their own child?? its rly gross tbh n it sounds like they don’t want to know about anything that he's dealing with or feeling and they don’t CARE either, like they're just done with him and giving up n shit n nw I feel like I have to be the only one in the family to try and make sure he's ok - which ofc I don’t mind and all - he's my brother and I know what it feels like - w what he's going through, not in the same situation but plus we’re basically similar in that way he even said that were similar and just feeling like you have someone close to you that you know won’t judge u, and knows what yr feeling and everything and understands that pain yr dealing with is rly reassuring and comforting in some way so I want to be that for him anyways rather then leave him all alone, but my parents rly piss me off with that - they claim to care about him but they don’t even show it or have any empathy for him at all and choose to ignore his obvious pain, suffering and cries for help and pretend its not happening and never see how he is - if he's ok, only to call him when he's sober and have a go at him about the previous time, but that's it and then no contact until the next time but yh my parents are so emotionally detached its almost horrifying in that way and to view yr child as an embarrassment and like that in any way just bc they’re in PAIN (but choose to ignore that fact) is just ?? I don't get it at all, and my brother deserves someone who will actively try to help him and support him, validate how he feels and reassure him as much as they are able to - rather then dismiss and ignore him - I'm pretty sure he may have bpd like me but idk what he's been diagnosed with - I get the feeling he has antisocial tendencies/behaviours too but idk

#personal #vent///#bpd tag #im so done w my parents tbh #they also seem to not know how mental illness or addictions work ????#suicide mention tw #suicide tw

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shame-in-italian · 5 years

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Skam Italia & Mental Health

So since the last 2 clips came out some stuff has happened & I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head that I'm gonna attempt to let out now. I am going to talk about mental health and self harm is mentioned so be warned.

I've always found it funny how much I've related to Martino. I mean I've seen this storyline play out before, but I never related to Isak, just some of the issues playing out. The tweaks they've made to the Italian version though are enough for me to find myself in Martino. I'm bisexual, now 25 but I came out at a similar age to Martino. I lived at home with just my mum, I still do actually but more on that in a moment. My mum happens to struggle with depression, has occasionally had bipolar tendencies, and my dad has suffered long term with mental health issues, our relationship has always been strained until the last few years actually. Martino's situation speaks so much to me, his anger & frustration with his mother, the turmoil of keeping in a secret, the lack of sleep. I have been there, know the rollercoaster all too well. Teen me would watch Skam Italia with tears in her eyes wanting to scream at the screen, 'I know Martino, it's okay, you're not alone.'

But then there's Niccolo. And I've found myself relating to him more as I am now and as the episodes have gone on. I have dealt with depression since I was a child and even considered suicide as a pre-teen. (Now I don't say this to be shocking or for attention, although some people still think that. It's just that through those experiences I've learned being as open and honest helps me not bottle everything up which is something I really struggled with. Everyone deals differently though and I respect that.) I went to group therapy in school and was seen to at a specialist unit. Talk Therapy generally worked for me, I used the techniques through high school and beyond. But this year my mental health has taken a truly great landslide. It's sort of been inevitable, I deal with chronic illness and it can be very isolating and confusing. This year I started suffering with severe panic attacks where I've hurt myself. I started meds & they have helped but it's slow progress. I relate to Niccolo because of the fear that he has. I struggle to keep a job with my chronic illness as is, now I have depression on top. I worry I'll never find anyone who will deal with my shit. I have grand plans to move out one day but fear that will never happen because of my illness. My dad has BPD and I've seen how that affects his relationships, not just romantic but with me too. I get why Niccolo cuts off communication for a while, I've done very similar myself. I understand why he sticks with Maddalena because you stick with the grooves and patterns you know when your brain is communicating something that makes no sense.

Now to last night and some sort of a point I'm making. I loved how much love there was in Friday night's clip. It was a lot less intense than the original but way more comforting I felt.

That same evening I had a few hours of restlessness followed by thoughts of hurting myself. Literally felt like I was in a black void but I had no reason to feel that way, and hurting myself would at least give me a reason. I've always been logical even when comes to emotion but I hate how my depression can turn around and use that against me. That's just damn evil. Now my flat (apartment to anyone pretty much outside the UK) is very small but getting across the tiny hall to my mum's room took a ridiculous amount of effort. But I did it and I got in bed and just said I was having a shit night, she just held me with no questions asked.

Here's the thing we forget with Martino and Niccolo or Isak and Even. Sometimes you're going to be one and sometimes you're going to be the other. Your Martino or support will come in so many different forms. I just feel like people watching, especially teens, need to know that romantic love isn't exactly the key to the situation here, it's just love. It was strange waking in a bed I'm not used to but I could hear my mum already up and doing housework. She came through to wake me and we sat and played with the cat and talked about the night before, she was just like I know, it's shit, it happens. And that was enough. Sometimes it's just knowing that she's there and there's love there, that's enough.

Of course watching the next clip was just lovely and exactly what my brain needed. Just like a little confirmation.

What I do want to say is that I've found my voice again and actually managed to confront my depression because of how everybody is sharing their stories in this community and I want to thank you so much for that. You never expect something like a TV show to stem such a reaction but it's lovely and I'll never forget what this bizarre phenomenon has done for me. I want to say this is an open and safe space if you ever need to talk to someone, I am here for you. It's my little way of repaying this community.

Thank you if you read this, tbh it's likely a bit of a ramble but its helped me if anything.

💛💛💛

#skam italia #tw mental health #tw self harm #ramble #skamit #nicotino #shameinitalian

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watercolourferns · 5 years

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A TO Z FOR ALL OF THEM 😜 how about A, M, N, and Y?

You, child, are gonna be my death. I WILL answer A to Z for all of them, don’t you think I won’t! I’ll just take my sweet time doing it. XD

Zayn[A] Aftercare

Seeing as how Julie can forget this often for himself he’s in charge of reminding him. He will make sure the tall bean has had water and a small snack before round two or before cuddling and snuggling and stuff. Julian never forgets Zayn’s aftercare and the squirt is so grateful for that. He’s had partners who don’t care or forget and that gets him really down. He will ask for a bath, for his hair to be combed, and a clean shirt from Julian to snuggle in. And food and water of course. He will pull Julian into the baths, and snuggle there for a bit, telling him how much of a good boy he’s been, how much he’s loved, and what he plans on having him do next session… which usually makes Jules all hot and bothered and ready for round two if they aren’t already exhausted.

[M] Motivation (turn ons etc)Without a doubt Julian is his motivation, the mere sight of the walking skyscraper is enough to get Zayn weak at the knees. But he’s got other more specific ones: being whispered in the ear how much of a beautiful boy he is. Forcing hands above his head, the mere mention of being in bondage, marks (teeth, bruises, stuff like that), hair pulling (oh gods, he will go crazy if Julian pulls his hair), being held by the wrists or the waist and pulled flush against Julian’s body, wrist kissing, neck kissing and biting, legs being spread slowly while hands are bound, a bit of choking, Consensual Non-consent (him running away from Julian, Julian catching up and threatening him a bit before going at it in some dark alley… oof, the shorty will be putty in Julie’s hands), public sex (yeah, the dark alley is also a motivation). Being told what to do by Julian, he will melt right then and there and he’s oh so obedient. Being praised and praising, he really loves praising Julian, and he loves a pat on his head when he’s done something the right way or followed an instruction correctly. Being a power bottom, and making Julian blush madly.

[N] NO (turn offs, deal breakers, things they wont do ever etc)

Drunk sex if it’s not with Julian. He once got too drunk and had an orgy with… horrible people… he’s very ashamed and disgusted about that. He won’t talk about it either so neither Asra nor Julie know.Lack of hygiene, lack of respect, dissing Julian as his Dom (oh, how he hates it when people chest up to him thinking he’s not “man enough”. He will curse anyone who does that, and will almost get out of control with anger. To him Julian is the perfect Dom and nobody will speak ill about him like that or in any other way without consequences). He also hates humiliation, the people he had the orgy with humiliated him before, during, and after and he swore it was never gonna happen again, plus he’s been called a slut, a whore, and other insults far too many times for him to find any joy in them.Real lack of consent: if you can’t respect a no, you’re a turn off to him.He needs to trust you, if you’re not trustworthy, you can say goodbye.

[Y] Yearning (how often to they think of sex, how long can they go without it etc)

Holy shit! He will ask Julian for quickies every four to six hours… you can imagine how long he can go without it. XD He will ask for a regular session weekly, and a MEGA session every two weeks. He’s got GREAT stamina and has a very abnormally high sex drive. I think the only one who can keep up with him is Julian, tbh. It’s just the way he’s built. He’s capable of keeping it together during work, during palace visits, and he can function as a normal human being, his flirting is a way of letting off steam and he’s got other issues to attent to like his zoning out, so he’s able to function normally. But when Jules is near… He’s just crazy for that man. His mere natural scent will drive the squirt wild…Malakie[A] Aftercare

Malakie is big on aftercare. He’s an anxious hamster, so he will make sure Asra is feeling comfy and taken care, usually forgetting about his own aftercare. The magician has to make him get still and let him take care of him because otherwise the sub low will hit him pretty hard. He likes a bit f a massage by candle light, and maybe a soft sweet snack like a piece of pumpkin bread and a cup of tea. He will not voice his needs unless Asra pressures him to. He just doesn’t wanna be a burden.

[M] Motivation (turn ons etc)

Asra. Mal isn’t exactly a sexual person. He’s demisexual and his sex drive is from normal to very low. I think it’s his BPD and anxiety issues that make him like that. But if Asra is in the picture he will shyly ask for something. Asra’s neck, back and hands turn him on quite a bit, his scent and his kisses will drive him very close, and the floofy witch grabs him by the waist and pulls him close he will go mad with love and desire. He likes to make love softly, in a dimly lit room (he’s anxious about his body), while Asra whispers sweet nothings in his ear. He’s very vanilla like that, but he would like Asra to spank him once or twice, and maybe pull on his hair a little bit. Also, Asra saying “I love you” to him will have him melt and ready for anything the magician wants to do.

[N] NO (turn offs, deal breakers, things they wont do ever etc) Anything not Asra. People who like to harass people in the Rowdy Raven. Invading his personal space (he will almost literally run away screaming for Asra if anyone so much as touches him without his permissions. And I don’t mean accidental touching, but intentional one). Bad hygiene. Multiple partners, he’s strictly monogamous (was jealous of Zayn, but then he realised his adoration of Asra is merely platonic, so he let it go). Mentions of his existent or non existent beauty, he hates people commenting on his looks. Asra is the only one who can, but his way of doing it is so soft and different from anyone else’s he doesn’t think twice about it. He’s very anxiety ridden, so most things that trigger that are a turn off for him.

[Y] Yearning (how often to they think of sex, how long can they go without it etc)

As said above, he’s not very sexual, so he doesn’t think about sex often. But sometimes Asra will do something either to him or not, and that will get him in the appropriate mood. He ca go without sex for the longest periods, but when the mood hits him he will shyly ask Asra if they can do something that night… which will get the shop closed for the day. XD He’s happy that happens, but he’s too anxious to ask for it to be done outright.Dorcas[A] Aftercare

Aftercare for Dorcas is a good bath, a snoring sleep, a BIG feast afterwards and then cuddling with Lucio and the puppers the rest of the day/nigh/whatever time of day it is. He will make sure Lucio gets taken care of as well, he will personally clean him off, help him bathe, take off his arm and have it cleaned, and make sure he knows how loved he is. A he can’t speak and his hearing is limited he needs to pause every now and then to sign his wishes or ask Lucio what he needs, so it makes aftercare a bit slow. But this ball of energy likes it slow, he doesn’t like rushing things when it comes to this.

[M] Motivation (turn ons etc)

A good spanking, he will be cheeky to Goat Daddy just to get a good spanking. And gods, can this bean be cheeky… Mention of ropes, being suspended from the ceiling, Lucio’s claws on his back… a moderate whipping. Anything that restrains him is a turn on for him, he’s always moving and bouncing around so if you have the power to force him to stay still he will be very turned on, and Lucio can do that. When Lucio speaks on his skin or very near him. He feels the vibrations of his voice and the hotness of his breath and it makes his eyes roll to the back of his head involuntarily. Being ordered around, not because he will obey but because he likes to see Lucio display his authority. Being caught doing “naughty” things, even though he’s only mimicking them: pretending he’s masturbating in the shower, just so Lucio will come in and see him and then give him a spanking because he’s not allowed to play with himself alone… stuff like that. So obviously punishments turn him on, so a good punishment for him is no punishment at all, that makes him really sad and makes him repent his cheeky ways.

[N] NO (turn offs, deal breakers, things they wont do ever etc)

The courtiers except Volta, no but really: Valdemar scares him, Vulgora is too angry, Valstomil is icky, and Valerius had a physical relationship with Lucio and Dorcas hates him for it as Lucio is his and only his. Lucio paying attention to anyone else but him will make him punish the Goatman for days.Being manhandled by someone who isn’t Lucio. Being ignored because he’s mute and partially deaf, if you make fun of him about it that’s a turn off as well. Relentless teasing, he’s got very little patience. Bad hygiene.

[Y] Yearning (how often to they think of sex, how long can they go without it etc)

He’s next on the scale of abnormally high sex drives. He will hide in nooks of windows, behind the think curtains, see Lucio coming along, grab him by the wrist and pull him in to have a quickie then and there whenever the fancy hits him. He’s less scheduled than Zayn, so he doesn’t really have a way to count how many times he does this, but he does it every day, all week, unless Lucio tells him he’s too busy, then a make out session will suffice him. He can have up to three rounds every night, and will get lonely if Lucio isn’t “home” (in the bedroom) by a certain hour. Then he will sneak into Lucio’s study, under the table and ask if he can give him head while the blonde finishes up his work, Lucio usually says yes. XD Don’t get me wrong, Dorcas is crazy for fluffiness, but he’s to energetic and one way to let off steam is to have sex with his Goat Daddy, so, he will grab any opportunity he can to do something or have something done. If everything else fails, he’ll go splash in the fountain and woe anyone who dares pull him out, Lucio will have any body part that’s touched his lighting bolt on a silver platter.

#asks I get #apprentice asks #zayn the apprentice #julian and zayn headcanons #malakie the apprentice #asra and malakie headcanons #Dorcas the apprentice #lucio and dorcas headcanons #I'm supposed to be working child!#nono

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oleaspur · 5 years

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ummmwine replied to your post “zenkaiankoku replied to your post “i find it really interesting how...”

oh totally to all of that though, like, yeah i think ppl either smooth him over WAY too much &/or make him like, more stable than evan which is like??? they have Different Problems actually but connor is definitely the least okay / least okay to be around of all of them...but it's also like...clearly just as Off to interpret him as somebody who just acts out completely at random and is just Intensely Angry ALL THE TIIIME instead of yeah, him having this actual internal

OK im replying under the cut because this will be long but tl;dr YOURE RIGHT

process behind the stuff he does which like, from an outside perspective would clearly be unjustified or over the top or irrational etc etc etc...and tbh like interpreting him as like, slow to warm up to ppl and quick to draw back thx to paranoia or potentially actually sort of latching on to ppl too fast but it can also go sour rl quick All Thanks To Splitting is valid af and like!! we don't know cuz canon doesn't say anything about that kind of thing re him. liiiike

i think the difference between having a relationship w someone with something like depression and anxiety and with someone who has a disorder like bpd is that w/ depression and anxiety you can almost always take a step back. its not going to be the case that everything you do impacts them and that their response to your actions is going to be a public thing.. bpd for me at least is very loud. it takes up all the space it can possibly find, so every interaction Means something and every response you have to those interactions needs to serve some kind of a function and it needs to be Known. its why at least for me i tend to suffer more when i have close relationships with people, because youre constantly having that sort of connection. like im not saying its always a bad thing because the good times are! so good! but everything is horrible and intense All the time so it never feels like youre doing something wrong when youre acting out. its more like why DOESNT this matter to everyone else the way it should.

the splitting thing just makes so much sense to me because i used to be the kind of person who would say like , really awful things to my family as a result of it. i dont ever want people to think im justifying what connor supposedly did but i think there Should be an explanation beyond hes just ‘a bad person’ or Vaguely troubled. there is a genuine attempt to reach out to evan, however minor, and i think that its way more compelling to treat him as someone who Does crave genuine connection w people and is just unable to approach it in a healthy way than anything else

i don't think that reference to that particular incident with zoe is meant to be like "there's a specific canon answer to what issue made connor act like this" but like i can so see that being more of legit paranoia fueling that problem somehow and just...like hghh again out of all the senior kids he'd definitely have the most work to do before he'd be able to have a good relationship either in terms of on his own end or re the other person's end of it...like obviously

there's the violence which is like. number one Got To Get Rid Of That Asap mostly for other ppl's sakes but then like. figuring out how to deal w the underlying crap would be more for his sake. like god that all of them were in therapy but also connor's problems definitely seem intense enough that he could probably stand to look into being medicated instead of having to self medicate cuz i figure that's what he's trying to do even if its kind of backfiring sometimes...

definitely definitely.. i could say a lot about why i think having connor and evan (or jared i suppose but i havent thought about that so much) bonding initially and then it going downhill because of a lack of an actual understanding of each other’s issues (and then both learning and coping separately IN ORDER to build an actual relationship with each other) is more interesting and genuine feeling than them Immediately helping each other and it actually working. but it would be long..

they all need to See Someone. + obviously medication is never the be-all end-all of any kind of mh treatment but for me personally therapy was never useful UNTIL i was on medication that actually helped regulate my moods first. the sort of things they talked about were never feasible for me because my moods dropped SO fast and because just being told to do things was so infuriating.. and so on. i definitely agree w the self-medication part i usually see that as connor trying to deal as best he can w something that no one else seems to understand or struggle with. sometimes it seems like the best way of coping w things is to try and detach urself from it . obviously that isnt healthy at all but when u dont know how else to deal w ur problems u find your own solutions :(

ANYWAYS the point is that like. first of all projecting shit Is Valid And Who Cares Anyways but in this case its probably also more accurate than what ppl write when they have no experience with such intense and unmanageable things and stuff that you really can't quite imagine accurately unless you know it firsthand already. and godddddd a trope i cannot stand is like, the 'i just need one good relationship and that will fix things / inspire me to choose to be able to

handle this and voila! i am handling it" like!!! i LOVE good relationships being mutually helpful and with this cast it's easy to see how they'd clash cuz they all do in canon!! but it's also ughh so easy to see how they could all understand and help each other even tho their specific problems are different when u zoom in enough. and like it's cool as hell if a relationship helps you / motivates you but it's not gonna fix everything and it shouldn't!! and like yeah with

connor i really see his shit as being involved in / close to the clinical psychotic types of issues. which yknow, people REALLY don't tend to know how to write if they don't have lived experience or really do a lot of good research anyways. like badly written anxiety is still probably gonna be closer to the mark than badly written delusions or smthing, idk. but anyways i am going ON AND ON and the point is. bpd connor is valid as fuck and i love that perspective on him

YEAH i think when i was younger i fell into that kind of writing as a sad sort of wish-fulfilment thing because it makes sense to want things to be that way. but its not helpful to people who relate to those characters, or realistic/healthy to want that sort of solution because it just doesnt exist

i think with personality disorders especially its hard because to a certain extent its like... it inhabits you. i was SO worried that once i started being able to deal w my mental health issues i would stop being a real person because like. it informed Everything in terms of how i approached the world. its hard to write something like that but like.. it all makes sense in your head. you have your own internal justification for everything even if you never reason it out and even if you couldnt possibly explain it in words you KNOW youre feeling this way for a reason and youre justified and should be feeling this way. its weird stuff

ANYWAY ty for this i LOVE talking about this kind of thing and literally everything youve said is so good and real.. connor is important to me even if he has barely any characterisation in canon lol

#ummmwine #jury.txt #response #long post #SORRY this got so long also. no need to reply BTW i just love the excuse to talk about this stuff

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abalonetea · 5 years

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so probably best to start the whole thing off with a post about the main character himself, Skittles!

this is going to bounce around a lot, sorry y’all

okay, so, Skittles. he’s a mess, and i’m throwing that disclaimer out right now. the whole story hinges on the fact that he has a Rough Life that gets better for a little bit and then Gets Bad Again. this is rectified for good in the sequel series, but whatever!

he’s from a small town out in the middle of nowhere, New Jersey. it’s from the region closer to New York, but i’ve elected not to pick an actual existing home town because that seems complicated. anyway! Skittles is obviously not his real name, but he hates his real name and refuses to use it with anyone, pretty much ever. even his twin, Asher, just calls him Skittles.

they grew up in the sort of town where everyone knows everyone, probably a little more strictly religious than anyone would like. the basic idea is that their mother, Cynthia, had an affair, and Skittles ended up looking exactly like the guy she cheated on Hank with. his upbringing ends up being rough because of this - Hank’s not that great of a guy, big drinking problem, big anger problem, big issue with their wiley red-headed son. so even though Asher is the Official Bad Kid, Skittles gets the rotten end of the stick.

add in the fact that he gets picked on a lot out at school, particularly once he hits his older years and his natural flamboyant self started showing up. eventually, he comes to think “well fuck them if that’s what they think of me” and it’s partially where his nickname comes from. he embraces the rainbow, so to speak, and thinks that it’s Way More Funny Than It Is.

flash forward a few years. Skittles gets kicked out of school, and then he gets kicked out of his house. Asher hooks him up with the Friend Of A Friend’s Brother down in Florida, and Skittles couch surfs and hitch hikes his way there.

enter Eric.

Eric is Not A Good Guy.

he’s the kind of guy that see’s you’ve got a lot of broken edges and uses that to his advantage. he’s the kind of guy with a mean temper. the kind of guy that seems Really Great until you’ve known him too long to back out without help.

he’s a dick, but one with a silver tongue and a charming persona.

still, for a while, things are okay. Skittles and Eric get along well enough, and eventually they go out to a concert together. it’s just some little thing at a local bar, and the lead singer has a horrible voice but their style catches Skittles attention and he realizes that he really, genuinely can make a go at being that rockstar he always talked about back home.

enter Vipers N Honey.

they genuinely think that Skittles is Much Older Than He Is. he’s got a pretty face, wears a ton of make-up, has already had a rough go of it, and carries himself like a twenty year old that’s angry at the world. plus, he’s got a killer fake ID.

so he sweet talks and sweet sings his way into the band; they really just want a pretty face as their cover, not realizing that it’s Skittles vocals and lyrics that are going to take them on a straight streak to the top.

so that’s how it starts.

desperately.

and then a little about Skittles in general!

*he has undiagnosed BPD and DID *brilliant red hair. paler skin. tons and tons of freckles. his thighs look like someone’s splattered paint on them, and he burns like a biscuit. *grows to consider VNH not just a way out of his bad life, but as a family. once he gets his own apartment, thanks to Tony and Snazzy, he has an open door policy that most band members take up. it kills him when VNH breaks up. *eyebrows pierced. naval pierced. ears pierced. nipples pierced. other things pierced. wanted to get his tongue pierced, too, but was scared it might mess him up on set. *genuinely loves the aesthetic of the glam rock scene. loves the make-up, the hair, the clothes. has a pair of leather red thigh high boots that become part of his Most Iconic Look and years later people will still ask, “do you still have those?” and the answer is yes but Skittles always says no, because he doesn’t like being mistaken for the same person as back then.

*has a high, warbling laugh. has steady hands. smokes too much but it’s the 80′s and he’s famous so no one’s going to say anything to him. prefers fruity flavored drinks but will down a bottle of jack in a heartbeat if he’s In A Mood

*is best friends with Marcello, a Brazillian guitarist that follows the band for a while, and has a bit of a crush on William, but that never comes into being until the Sequel Series.

*goes hard or goes home. likes to talk. likes to make jokes. has a bad temper and likes the thrill of the fight. adrenaline makes him feel more steady, more stable. it’s why he takes up drums after VPN ends.

*hates even the idea of pity for a really long time. if he’s made it this far on his own, he can make it the rest of the way on his own. also hates to be considered a failure, because that’s what people have called him for years. quickest way to make him mad, tbh.

*has a very complicated relationship with Asher. they lovingly call each other “bitch” and “fag” but will break the nose of anyone else who says it. will punch each other in the guts without a thought and grew up getting into very violent fights with each other because they both Have Issues but will also give each other their last buck and the only chunk of chicken in the fridge without batting an eye.

*Skittles is actually a more stable influence than anyone else in the band. he’s kind of the Dad Friend, even with all his Issues and Life Happenings. this only becomes more apparent later on in life, during the sequel.

and i’ll tag @simplelinesunfashiond because she prompted this whole debacle, and @deadlyessencewhispers because she has to deal with looking at everything that i write!

this was so much fun sorry i rambled

#skittles #band boys #a life out of order #character introduction #my writing #my ocs

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carmencarmyberzatto · 2 years

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i know you said you don’t like talking about characters you like but i (as one of your mutuals) would love to hear some of your favorites and why. this is very important to my future characterization of you. also i think i ran across your insta, is it ok if i follow you?

omg this is so sweet of you to ask lol im not too open on here about my favorite characters so i’d be happy to list some haha thank you so much for asking

also of course you can follow my insta or on any other platform i don’t mind :-)

so to list off some of my favorite characters i’ll include a lil description on why i like them teehee

charlie kelly - my autistic king, literally everything to me. he’s such an interesting character especially after s15′s revelations and his mini-arc that we got.

satoru tsukada - like nandor, super cool insight into what it means to be human and need human connection, and the horror of being someone’s idealized partner more than being a human in your own way who deserves human connection.

teruki hanazawa - he’s sooo bpd coded. his entier character arc is becoming a normal kid who has to deal w his powers and help his friends. he’s my little queer coded best friend character, he’s just like me

nandor - he’s just a big guy. i had him on my graduation cap. i have a lot of love for every character in wwdits, but nandor gives such a deep, yet lighthearted, introspection of the crossroads between humanity and what it means to be human and want connection.

atsushi tanzawa - he has such an interesting way with words and with how to use his power and ruling with an iron fist, but softly. his main goal is to protect his team and follow what jousuke’s plan was originally, which is to create a world or a path for delinquents (his friends) to continue their lives successfully because he knows they’re like sheep to the slaughter without him or without a way to continue their devious actions, especially after acknowledging that it’s all they know. he’s a great character foil to tsurumanki because he fights for his friends, where tsurumaki fights for his friends, which are his closest friends, not his team. that is, until you realize, he’s going the same lengths as tsurumaki and his group to come out superior.

nyen - he’s just a fucking cat dude honestly. like what else do i really have to say he’s just a dude to me and i really like him. he’s hot

keisuke baji - i dont really remember tbh. he’s just a loyal guy and i genuinely enjoy his entire character.

kazutora hanemiya - bpd coded he just like me.

izana kurokawa - bpd coded he just like me, again.

#personal #my own lil mini character analysis thing #sorry mutuals

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capillata · 7 years

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I think one of the things that bothers me so much about the ‘Snape was abused therefore his being a horrible person makes sense’ followed by ‘but all these people were abused and they’re not horrible in the Harry Potter world so Snape just sucks’ rhetoric is how much it erases the majority of abuse victims who do go on to become abusers or engage in abusive behaviour.

Harry Potter is not actually realistic in its depiction of ‘look at this incredible amount of people with shitty life circumstances who didn’t turn out to be complete dickwads’ - and this rhetoric around Snape vs. everyone else, like he doesn’t deserve redemption narratives or the good aspects of his character must be reductively viewed in the most narrow, brutal lens possible, perpetuates the idea that you have good victims and bad victims.

This is one of the most destructive rhetorics around for healing from child abuse, and also tends to erase the majority of abuse victims who do go on to do terrible (or at least mean) things until they learn otherwise. Or alternatively, ‘do terrible things while learning how to do otherwise.’ Or alternatively, ‘do terrible things while also doing amazing things.’

Bad victims are the ones who don’t know how to automatically fix or stop themselves from becoming abusive themselves. They’re the ones who deal with the world with anger or snarling hostility, instead of being the ‘vulnerable sweet and approachable victim who is always kind and compassionate’ (these people have anger management issues too btw, they’re just more likely to direct that at themselves). They’re the people who don’t have ‘nice and neat’ mental disorders, who have the often maligned mental disorders. The ones where people go ‘oh yeah I’d never date someone with Bipolar or BPD or C-PTSD, what a clusterfuck that is.’

Bad victims get less help, less support, they have the ‘less wanted’ disorders resulting from their abuse and are generally dumped into the ‘your history is no excuse for how you behave now, therefore you deserve nothing good ever, you’re just horrible.’

This is not how healing works, guys.

And it’s certainly not how healing in fanfiction works, when you take a character like Snape and put him on a redemption journey. Maybe consider how many ‘bad victims’ relate to him, before jumping on the ‘shitting on bad victims bandwagon’ while simultaneously lifting all the good victims up to the light.

While it’s true that your history is no excuse for how you behave now, it certainly influences how you behave now. I was taught English in my formative years and therefore I’m not going to start speaking German suddenly because everyone else thinks I should. I need to be shown how to do that. I need to learn and have people to talk to who speak German and it needs to be role-modelled to me, and it’s going to be harder for me to learn it than it was English because I’m no longer in my formative years.

A lot of kids internalise patterns of abuse and then express them. There is no ‘best case scenario’ here. They either express them horrifically towards themselves, or towards other people, or there’s a mix. Unless they happen to be fortunate enough to have been removed from said abusive situation and had a ton of healthy behaviours role-modelled to them compassionately for years and years with consistency and patience. But for the most part, even a lot of ‘good victims’ simply abuse themselves, because this is acceptable to them. Tbh, a lot of ‘good victims’ abuse others too, it’s just more likely to be emotional and verbal, and they’re not likely to know they’re doing it. Especially AFAB victims.

First of all, Severus Snape didn’t get this compassionate role-modelling. Second of all, you folks on this bandwagon don’t think he deserves it anyway, lol. And this is where we get the mindset that ‘bad victims don’t deserve to heal, they should just - in the metaphor - know how to speak German/be a good victim. If they don’t, they’re horrible, and why waste your time.’ While it’s always a choice to abuse someone, it’s not a coincidence that the people who are most likely to abuse, have been abused in their formative years. You are more likely to abuse if you have been abused. You are 75% more likely to do it. That is not an insignificant number folks.

Tbh, I don’t really care that people hate Snape, because of course they do. What bothers me is the nature of how that hatred is expressed, which is often comparing him - a victim of abuse, to other victims of abuse, and using this to create a false binary that allows the others to be ‘worthy’ of healing, or kindness, or compassion, and the bad ones to be ‘unworthy.’ It also reduces the majority of bad victims to this soundbyte of: ‘well it’s not because you were abused, you’re just a horrible person.’

Outside of potential literal sociopaths (and I’m not even going to touch that with a barge pole), most abusers were not born horrible people. They were taught how to be horrible people by other folks who abused them. Generally speaking, by the time they become adults, they believe this is how you get about in the world and this is all you can really expect from others so you’d better be the best at it. It’s not rational, and it hurts people, but a lot of abusers can actually heal from this.

But they’re not given the opportunity to. And in a society that reinforces the Good Victim vs. Bad Victim rhetoric (looking at you, most of Snape-hating Tumblr and for that matter, most of Loki-hating Tumblr etc.), they will continue to not be given that opportunity.

And finally, it may just be worth considering how many people around here - like myself - have identified as a Bad Victim. We’re too angry. We have too many issues. We don’t heal fast enough. We isolate and push others away. We want to hurt others as we’ve been hurt. We have C-PTSD or some other disorder that’s not coded as ‘acceptable.’ We’ve been mean to loved ones and felt like we deserved to die because of it (let’s not get started on ‘I said something mean this one time therefore I deserved to be raped a bunch of times’ that bad victims often do like crazy).

Being able to identify with a villain who has canonically done both good and bad things, or at the very least, sits in a greyscale of behaviours, is a big deal for us. Being able to identify with that villain in redemptive fic - if we so choose - is a big deal for us. It allows hope and a potential for the acceptance of healing or changing behaviours where most people don’t let us feel that it’s possible - where even folks on Tumblr don’t feel it’s possible lol. Because we don’t get acceptance in most other areas of society, even areas of trauma healing, because we’re not the Good Victims. I’ve had friends reject me on the basis that ‘you don’t cry and get sad enough about what happened to you, you just push people away.’ Because they have in their head, an image of what a good child abuse and rape victim looks like, and I don’t fit it. (Tbh it’s fine that they do this, they need to look after themselves, but these were also clearly people who had an idea of how a Good Abuse Victim should act, thanks to media - thanks to folks who perpetuate these binaries - they were only willing to offer compassion so long as I was able to fill the role of ‘someone who would cry sweetly after they offered compassion’ like the media taught them to expect).

The world really isn’t as black and white as most people want it to be, especially in the arena of abuse victims (and abuse victims who become abusers). And if people are going to hate Snape, I just wish it could be done in a way that didn’t continue to dump a whole pile of bullshit on abuse victims (esp. child abuse victims) in general. I have pretty strong feelings about this and I’m sure this post is super incoherent, and I’ll probably delete it later, because the last thing I want is hate in my inbox that looks like ‘gasp do you think all child rapists who have been abused deserve good things’ because as someone who was raped repeatedly as a child I have complicated feelings about that too.

But I know at least 6 Tumblrs I follow who post this stuff and I’d really like to not unfollow a whole bunch of people. But I will if I have to (especially if it doesn’t actually get regularly tagged in a way that I can block it without blocking all Snape posts lol), because fuck the Good Victim vs. Bad Victim binary that just makes it even harder for abuse victims to heal. Every time I read those posts, it makes a part of me shrink inside, and hate who I am even more. Maybe I should just not take it so personally, but it’s amazing the stuff you learn to take personally, when you know just how much support will be withheld if you’re not a stereotypical ‘Good Victim.’

#personal #delete later #i am so not tagging this into fandom good god #what a fucking overshare this is

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adventures-in-transmania · 5 years

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Story time #1, the beginning

So, unlike media tends to represent trans people, I didn't know as a kid. I had no problem being called a tomboy in middle school, from what little I can remember. I do remember getting along far easier with boys than girls, but I also had almost every girl I tried being friends with at that age pull some backstabbing, gossipy, clique-y bullshit and who has time for that?

That being said, I don't think I ever had that phase in which I tried to be overly feminine to fit in, which some trans people go through. I wore dresses and skirts in elementary school without any feeling that it wasn't right. I also grew up in a house with a mentally ill biological mother (BPD) who was also a lesbian. I grew up with my bio father out of the house (saw him occasionally, not all that important tbh) and my mother having girlfriends. It's just how life was. I didn't need it explained, I didn't even realize it was different. It wasn't a big deal.

Fast forward to what I CAN remember, my coming out story. Somewhere around 10th grade I stumbled upon the term transgender. I'd been supportive of LGBT+ for quite a few years by then. I thought about my sexuality occasionally. For the most part, I was into men, but I remember not caring if I ended up with a woman. I remember the whispers of my classmates, calling me a dyke when they thought I couldn't hear them, the rumors about my mother being gay, therefore I had to be gay. They really didn't bother me. The people I considered friends didn't mention it or even care from what I gathered. I didn't really discuss lgbt issues with people from school. My friends were teenaged boys and would squirm if you even mentioned anything queer.

Luckily for me, I had friends online. One was a very mature for her age girl who provided a very positive light in an otherwise dark time. I loved her as a best friend and wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. The other was a boy from the deep South living with a religious family. They both met me as a guy character on a website of which I spent a lot of time on during high school. At some point I told them I wasn't born a guy. They didn't care. Online I was a guy.

That's not to say I knew for certain. I was still figuring things out. I didn't have dysphoria at the time. I had no qualms with people using she/her pronouns.

Sometime in 10th grade, I came out to my parent (my bio mother), thinking someone who identified as a lesbian would at the very least understand, talk, maybe even support their child coming out as trans.

Here's a plot twist, they didn't. Here's an even bigger plot twist. They also came out as trans. So, you'd think a trans parent (haha, jokes to be made here) would support their trans child. You'd be wrong. This has caused me much pain, much grief, just 'much' over the years.

There was six years of silence on the issue. We just didn't talk about it.

It wasn't really an issue that bugged me until a couple years into college. Well, other than the issue with my cousin's wedding. I think It was during either my junior or senior year, my cousin got married. I was in the wedding as a reader of some poem. I grew up with her in my life, she lived with us for some time. My parent made me wear a dress. Maybe that was my phase of trying to be overtly feminine, because I went all out. I wore the dress, 6 inch 'coral' heels, painted my nails, and probably wore make-up (which I never really bothered with, even as a girl). I wasn't happy about wearing the dress at this point in my life, I would have much rather been in a suit. My parent, who at this point had come out to me as trans, was able to wear a suit. No one in our family questioned it. It was a sore spot for me for a while. Maybe that was my first experience with blatantly dysphoria, but I can't say for certain. What I saw at the time was my parent, a trans man to me, a cis lesbian to everyone else, was able to wear a suit, but I was made to be uncomfortable in a dress.

I've talked about this since then (8 years after the fact) with both my parent and my cousin and the reasons make sense, according to our society. I'm now willing to accept it was necessary and I'm pretty much over it.

The other instance that I'm not over and will probably always regret is prom. My senior year, I got into this thing with someone who had been a very, very good friend. It was hard, probably based on senior class nostalgia. I liked him, his intelligence. I don't know what he saw in me. He was traditional, conservative, as most people were where I grew up, with it being a small town with 3 churches in 2 square miles.

We spent a lot of time in the library after school. I stayed to spend time with him, mostly. Over Christmas break during our senior year, I confessed that I liked him, which turned out to be reciprocated for whatever reason, or at least he said. A few months after, we discussed prom. I don't recall either of us being entirely enthused about it, but seeing it as something one should experience in high school, as well as the idea that most of our friends were going.

I believe I mentioned once about my thought to wear a suit to prom. A friend of mine who identified as a cis woman at the time, a lesbian, had worn a suit. I wanted to, also. He said he wouldn't go with me, then. I gave in, as I did at that time. I didn't have many people who actually wanted to be with me in any capacity (there's a bit more to this story, but I'm trying to be concise), so to experience something so paramount to the high school experience, I wanted to be included.

At the time I still identified as a woman to anyone who knew me offline. I wasn't dysphoric, I was just a tomboy. I had started to go by Riley online but couldn't really do so in school or anywhere else. I didn't really discuss anything with anyone offline so the two friends I mentioned earlier online really helped. They may not have completely understood but they let me talk about it and accepted me no matter what.

Another major thing I remember from high school was this one instance with my friend and guidance counselor. I had been 'turned in,' for a lack of a better word for attempting to cut at school (yeah, fucked up thing to do, surprise surprise. I wasn't good at coping with emotions, so sue me). I tried talking to my guidance counselor about potentially being trans and having a bit of a rough time with it, which took a lot of courage to do. The only other person I even thought I could go to had been my parent, as misguided as that was. The guidance counselor hadn't even heard of the term and even after explaining it, didn't have any sort of advice (to be expected after first hearing about it). There was no follow up, no conversation, nothing. Any sort of research would have revealed that trans people (teenagers especially) are at a higher risk of committing suicide and higher risk of being bullied. But it's easy to fall through the cracks when you're not a face or name people remember.

Here's one of my favorite memories from high school. Sometime during my senior year I took a psychology class. It was offered as an elective and I had free time. I would have rather been in a class than having a study hall. The class was taught by someone who had only taken a psychology course in college about 15-20 years ago, which explains a lot. She was certainly not qualified in any capacity to be teaching this class. I had several run ins with this particular teacher, but I kept my head down and did my work for the most part. One of her classes led to a discussion on gun laws and ownership. I was naive at the time, but she made a comment about how she should be able to own a gun so if someone came onto her front lawn, she could defend her property. That was the mentality of a lot of people in this small, conservative town. Great stuff.

So, another class we were talking about biased and unbiased studies. I don't remember the specific topic, but it had to pertain to something hormonal. I brought up the idea that to have a completely unbiased study, you would need test subjects that were AFAB on testosterone and AMAB on estrogen. She couldn't even imagine the concept. That night, I wrote an entire paper on why AMAB people would take estrogen and vice versa. I didn't mention being trans as a reason until the very last line. My biggest regret in life, just before that prom fiasco, is never giving her the paper.

#Storytime #Trans shit #Riley #Anateria

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rocket-sith · 7 years

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The "BPD Anakin" Theory is Overlooking Some Crucial Shit - a long rambly meta objection

Suiting up in my flame proof armor for this one, but submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society jury…

The BPD Anakin theory is gundark bollocks.

I’ve seen this theory getting bandied about a lot, and it’s never sat quite right with me. It finally clicked that the reason why it doesn’t sit right is because the entire argument is hinged upon ignoring nearly all the situational and cultural factors in Anakin’s world, and “diagnosing” him in a vacuum. This is tantamount to arresting someone for yelling FIRE! in a crowded theater when there actually is a fire.

Simply put, a lot of the defenses I’ve seen of the theory fail to take into account that in order for a disorder to be present, the person’s thoughts and behaviors have to actually be disordered, and they also have to be pervasive. Patterns of thought and behavior that are reasonable within context are not disordered. (If someone’s yelling “fire!” in a crowded theater, it’s not unreasonable if there actually is a fire.) Thoughts and behaviors that we don’t see until the tail end of RotS where Sidious has manipulated Anakin into what can only be described as a psychological break are not pervasive. (I’d also argue that some of them aren’t even really Anakin’s - he’s a victim of gaslighting, both by Palpatine AND the Jedi Order. Not that it excuses what he did, but abuse victims who’ve been mentally and emotionally manipulated can display behaviors that deceptively mimic various mental illnesses. And TBH the Jedi Order was really just a fancy religious cult that responded to Anakin’s very normal, very human need for love and acceptance with pretty much the Jedi equivalent of “stop having impure thoughts or you’re gonna go to hell” - which really didn’t help matters.)

And for the sake of clarity here, let me go ahead and establish a couple of things. 1) I’m talking about Anakin while he was still Anakin. Vader is a different entity in a lot of ways, and that’s an entirely different discussion. Most of the BPD stuff I’ve seen has been focused on PT and TCW Anakin, so that’s what I’m working with here. 2) I’m absolutely not arguing that Anakin is some shining paragon of perfect mental health, or that he’s necessarily neurotypical in the first place, because yeah NO. He absolutely has some issues he needs to deal with, and as far as neurotypical-ness goes, I’ve seen some pretty convincing cases for ADHD, PTSD, generalized anxiety, and even high functioning autism. I’m only arguing that BPD doesn’t fit. So let’s go through the diagnostic criteria for BPD, keeping the above in mind.

(If you're on mobile, the rest of the post is here. Hellsite app hides the Read More. https://rocket-sith.tumblr.com/post/158218862776/the-bpd-anakin-theory-is-overlooking-some )

*frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment*

Okay, so picture this. You’re in the middle of an ongoing war, and you’re fighting on the front lines. All your friends are in the war too, and many of them are right there on the front lines with you. Your spouse is a high-profile politician with powerful enemies, and he/she has faced assassination attempts before. Your mother is living in a hostile land as a slave, where it’s commonplace to be killed or abused.

Tell me your fear of losing the people you love is irrational. Go ahead, tell me that’s not a 100% justified fear. I’ll wait.

We see in Crystal Crisis that Anakin feels abandoned by Ahsoka when she left, but she actually did leave. That wasn’t an irrational fear. She left. Anakin stood by her, not thinking she’d leave, and she left anyway, which clearly shocked him. It’s totally fair to say he’s being short-sighted in his reaction, in that the council was the ones he should be mad at, not her, but if irrational fear of abandonment is what we’re looking for here, there simply wasn’t any in this case. The possibility of her leaving never even occurred to him before the council scene in the Wrong Jedi arc, and when she did leave, he was upset, but he was upset at something that actually happened, not irrationally fearing something that might.

Anakin gets mad at Obi-Wan for leaving him out of the loop in the TCW Deception arc, but getting mad at your supposed best friend for faking his own death in order to emotionally manipulate a reaction out of you…I mean, damn, who *wouldn’t* feel pissed off and betrayed by that? And even THEN, he never thought Obi-Wan was the one behind it until Obi-Wan told him point blank that it was his idea to leave Anakin out of the loop. Anakin’s immediate reaction to finding out Obi-Wan was alive wasn’t “Obi-Wan abandoned me and was conspiring against me” it was “the council doesn’t trust me.” The thought that Obi-Wan was in on it doesn’t even cross his mind as a possibility.

Then we have the incident with Padme and Clovis where Anakin walks in and starts to whup Clovis’s ass. A lot of people like to point to this as irrational possessiveness taken to the point of violence, but again, we’re overlooking a few things here. Padme has had attempts made on her life before. The person she’s trying to lure is a known slimeball. And when Anakin busts into the room, he doesn’t see Padme making googly eyes at Clovis. He sees Clovis trying to physically force himself on Padme while she says no. This is not Anakin walking in on his wife flirting with someone, this is Anakin walking in on a known scuzzbucket doing something to Padme that looks an awful lot like sexual assault. No shit, he lost his cool!

The “everyone’s abandoned me and turned against me” mindset isn’t something we see until the tail end of RotS on Mustafar. Not pervasive. And given Obi-Wan actually was there to kill him, it’s not particularly disordered either. He did incorrectly assume Padme had brought Obi-Wan there, but considering 1) Palpatine had planted the idea in Anakin’s head that there was something under-the-table going on between Padme and Obi-Wan, and 2) Obi-Wan really had just shown up on Padme’s ship looking to throw down and start shit, it’s not like Padme bringing Obi-Wan there to whup Anakin’s ass was some random, wild idea that just popped into Anakin’s head of its own accord, manifested purely by his own insecurities. It was a conclusion reached by combining something that was actually true (Obi-Wan had arrived on Mustafar via Padme’s ship with the intention of fighting or killing Anakin) with something that had been deliberately planted in his head by a malevolent, manipulative third party (Obi-Wan and Padme were in cahoots about something sketchy). I am not in any way, shape, or form defending the way Anakin handled it, but I am saying the suspicion itself isn’t mere left-field paranoia born of nothing but a fear of abandonment. *a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation*

Anakin is emotionally intense, sure, and he comes off the rails when one of his loved ones is in danger, but I do not see instability in his relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation of the people he loves. Anakin is a steadfastly loyal person, and he doesn’t do the push-pull thing. Let’s look at the people he’s closest to - his mother, Padme, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Rex, and Palpatine.

- Mom and Rex - there’s never anything even remotely turbulent with either of these two regarding how Anakin views and feels about them. He’s unwaveringly loyal to both, never once devalues either, and there’s no push/pull here at all.

- Ahsoka - he’s overprotective of her sometimes, but she’s a young teenager in a war zone entrusted to his care. The only time we ever see him slagging her off is when he’s ranting to Obi-Wan in the Crystal Crisis arc, mad at her for leaving. That’s it. One instance hardly constitutes “pervasive” or “alternating” and we can’t forget, this wasn’t a fear about things that might happen, or Anakin saying she was Jerky McJerkface because she disagreed with his opinion of loth-cats or something. This was a reaction to her actually leaving, which was a huge, life-altering thing for Anakin that hurt him very deeply - especially since he did stay unwaveringly loyal to her even when no one else was. He’s definitely guilty of not grasping the big picture here, but again - not pervasive, not alternating, no history of devaluing Ahsoka or thinking she was going to abandon him for no good reason.

- Obi-Wan - Okay, the Anakin/Obi-Wan dynamic is complex. These two clowns are both masters at miscommunication and not understanding each other for shit despite the fact that they clearly adore each other, but again. A teenager bickering with his guardian and ranting to his friends about how much he dislikes being nitpicked and dislikes rules (AotC) is typical of every teenager everywhere, and it’s not at all contradictory for a teenager to do this even though they love their guardian. It’s 100% normal. A person being angry when a friend lies to them and manipulates them is a rational reaction (TCW Deception), and if ANYONE is guilty of disordered behavior here, it’s Obi-Wan with his shocking lack of empathy. Anakin didn’t come off the rails with the whole “Obi-Wan isn’t really my friend, he’s out to get me” deal until the tail end of RotS, when Obi-Wan really was out to get Anakin. We don’t see anything remotely like that before then. We see a teenager frustrated with rules, we see an adult upset at being lied to and manipulated, and we see some mutual communication SNAFUs, but we don’t see turbulent, foundationless devaluing.

- Padme - Both Anakin and Padme are very young considering their roles in life, and their relationship can be rocky and immature sometimes. (And not just on Anakin’s part - there was a TCW ep where Anakin had to cut an evening with Padme short to go do Jedi Business and when he showed up the Senate building later to talk to her, she greeted him with an icy “Oh, so now you have time for me?”) Anakin has some jealousy issues, and I’m not going to insult anyone’s intelligence by pretending he doesn’t, but he does not devalue Padme or think she’s against him until the end of RotS - and we’ve already covered that incident. There are absolutely some unhealthy things about the relationship (even before Mustafar), but it doesn’t fit with the BPD criteria here or indicate he’s in the habit of devaluing Padme as a person.

- Palpatine - Well hell, Anakin’s main problem here was that he was blindly loyal! If Anakin had mistrusted Palpatine at all or pushed him away, a lot of really bad shit wouldn’t have happened.

*identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self*

Anakin is absolutely struggling to find his place in the galaxy, but again - self discovery and finding out who you are is a normal part of being teenager and young adult. Not disordered. The Jedi are a batshit cult who try to convince Anakin that his normal, healthy, human emotions are dangerous, and he understandably gets frustrated by it. This isn’t a dysfunction on Anakin’s part, and labeling it as such is fairly abusive in its own right. One of the key elements of gaslighting is when you abuse a person and then blame them for their negative reaction to it. Jedi dogma tries to convince Anakin he’s defective and untrustworthy for having totally normal emotions, and now we’re going to say he’s disordered for reacting to it with anger and confusion? I think we’re fighting in the wrong corner, y'all. And anyways, Anakin doesn’t completely come off the rails with his “the Jedi are evil” deal until the tail end of RotS - not pervasive.

*impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).*

Anakin gets dinged for this one a lot in the BPD Anakin theories, and this is one of those areas where we need to take into account that Anakin does not live in our world. Yes, Anakin is a daredevil. However, acting like you have superpowers isn’t disordered if you actually have superpowers. You wouldn’t call Clark Kent self-destructive for thinking he could jump in front of a bullet. You wouldn’t call Wolverine irrational for thinking he could heal from a wound that would be fatal to anyone else. So it makes no sense to call Anakin self-damaging for acting like he’s some sort of badass super pilot who can deflect blaster fire with a lightsaber. *recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior* - None of this applies at all, unless we’re talking about general daredevil stuff, and then - see above.

*affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)*

This one’s iffy, especially when you’re dealing with someone who’s constantly in the front lines of a war zone, as it calls into question whether anxiety and irritability are disordered in this context. Anakin definitely seems to be anxious and irritable, but he and the people he loves are constantly in harm’s way. You could definitely make a case for PTSD here, but BPD doesn’t fit considering there are very real, very legitimate causes for anxiety and irritability.

*chronic feelings of emptiness* I haven’t seen any direct canonical evidence to support this.

*inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger*

LMAO okay, y'all can have this one. Homeboy’s got some anger management issues. (I still say a lot of the time when he’s pissed off, he’s got a good reason to be, but DAMN he does a shitty job of handling it in a remotely constructive way.)

*transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms*

Nope. It’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you, ya know? He thinks the council doesn’t trust him. They *don’t* and they’ve never been shy about showing it. He thinks his mother is being tortured to death. She *is*, and prophetic dreams are a real thing in Anakin’s universe, and a power that Anakin has been canonically confirmed to possess. He has premonitions of Padme dying in childbirth. Again, he is canonically confirmed to have the power of prophecy, and the *last* time he ignored a prophetic dream, it cost his mother her life. Taking his dreams seriously is not paranoia, and it’s not him having a dissociative episode. (Yeah, there’s a fan theory that Palpatine planted the Padme dream in Anakin’s head, but even so, that’s not evidence of a disorder with Anakin. It’s more like the equivalent of a forensics expert planting extremely convincing fake evidence at a crime scene, then blaming the cops when they think it’s real.)

So there are the 9 symptoms. You need five or more for a BPD diagnosis. Anakin has ONE. *Maybe* two if you squint really hard and tilt your head. If Anakin were a regular adult human on regular earth who wasn’t in a war zone, wasn’t caught up in a crazy religious order that was shaming him for being human, and wasn’t being manipulated by a goddamn Sith Lord, it would be another matter. But he is, and it’s not accurate to diagnose mental disorders while completely ignoring cultural factors and extenuating circumstances like being a General on the front lines of a war or being preyed upon by a master manipulator.

tl;dr - The “BPD Anakin” theory might seem reasonable at first glance, but it holds significantly less water when we stop pulling Anakin out of his own environment and either analyzing him in a vacuum, or analyzing him against the backdrop of our own world rather than in the context of *his* world, his environment, and his reality in a galaxy far, far away.

#anakin skywalker #attack of the killer meta #shameless overanalyzing #probably gonna get flamed for this

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dolly-rose · 7 years

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(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely. Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation. I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically. In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years. But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level. In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down. He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation. (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.) My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way. Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement. Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care. I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility. But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards. Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around. She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet. However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled. The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits. To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up. My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor. For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc. Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II. She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme. However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card. We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final. (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment. My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself. She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister. Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities. Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications. My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother. I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself. However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things. She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself. In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in. Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility. I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide. I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself. Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself. I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active. As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own.

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results. I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen. I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with.

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.

#asks #help #please

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ocpdiddy · 7 years

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ok i don’t EXACTLY /WANT/ to make this post but it’s burning me up inside and idk what else to do w it

>>> looong ass post, tldr a guy who i think has bpd sort of assaulted me and i don’t know how to deal w feeling like it was My Fault >>>

— so.

this guy i used to tentatively be friends w (thru a mutual v good friend of both of ours) w mayb bpd punched me in the face once (technically twice but in the same event) bc he was mad abt… sthg? i did? tbh i legit don’t know exactly WHAT made him SO upset… and idrk what to do abt that ://

like ig i did sthg that truly upset him, but… i just dk what? was SO bad that he… punched me straight in the face? twice? i def didn’t do anything aggressive towards him, and we had been… playing around? immediately before it happened… like idk when even his mood shifted so suddenly that like it became Such An Issue that pushed him to such an extreme response.

and the Thing is, like… that’s just The Way He Is? such //extreme// and intense and unpredictable emotional responses, that what happened is… not exactly “out of character” for him. to the point where our (v good) mutual friend like… didn’t even respond to it? like it was a completely understandable Him thing. to the point where this dude completely seriously punching me in the face twice over something honestly unprovoked must be… Clearly My Fault?

and what’s tearing me up is, I feel like… it MUST have been?? not this or any other event alone leads me to believe the following, but i do have substantial reason to suspect that this dude has bpd… or at least sthg similar happening in his mental business. again, it’s definitely not JUST this, but it’s lots of things that, like i said, make this event Not Uncharacteristic. and i don’t say this lightly, and i definitely don’t mean it in a Bad way like he’s a Bad or Dangerous person in ANY WAY, and i say this as someone also with a personality disorder and a mood disorder and a fairly substantial understanding of mental health and knowledge that I’m not qualified to Diagnose him or fully understand the experiences of ppl w bpd, and like, I’m not trying to pass Judgment on him at all for whatever he’s got going on

but look he punched me in the face. he dead seriously, with force and intention to hurt me, punched me straight in the face TWICE in a situation where i was not being aggressive whatsoever and where we had literally seconds before been laughing and playing around. and has not spoken a word to me since. and that just seems… not okay?? like seriously Not Okay.

but!! i feel like if what i suspect is happening with his mental business is actually what IS happening with his mental business ((and again, i don’t say this lightly, but i have substantial reason to believe this, including what he personally has spoken to me about and has explicitly told me about his mental business))… i can’t really… //Blame// him?? /especially/ as somebody with my own personality disorder that significantly Fucks Up My Life………. i feel like i //can’t// really… Hold It Against Him? and that seems fucked up!! but i feel guilty abt feeling abt feeling that way!!

idk dude, i really don’t know how to process this and it happened several weeks ago and it’s been eating me up ever since and i can’t talk to him abt it and i don’t know how to talk to our mutual friend abt it… bc again it seems like, from everybody’s sort of reaction to it, and knowing him… /I/ was in the Wrong? and somehow –though i don’t KNOW how– it really was my fault and i somehow provoked that response….. but dude he PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. TWO FUCKING TIMES.

??????

anyway, i don’t know how to process this and long story short i don’t know what to do about feeling guilty that someone else physically assaulted me. The End.

#he also may or may not read this blog lmao kill me #dude if you read this.. i wrote this with conolete sincerity i'm honest to god sorry for what ever i did but #i don't know??? or understand??? what i did!#it honestly upsets me so much and i like you dude i always have!!!#but i just feel like... that's still super not okay and i'm rly fucked up abt it!!!#:( :( :(#idk sorry i really needed to get this down somewhere #bpd #borderline personality disorder #personality disorder #mental illness #mood disorder #impulse disorder #idk.. how to tag this...#i just want... perspective #i just need help understanding what to do with this #i need help #i hate it #personality disorders

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phosphorescent-naidheachd · 7 years

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#thank!!!fucking!!!you!!! #gigantic fucking misconception that millions of fanfics/eu novels have used as an excuse to shit on the jedi #if jedi teaching actually is derived from buddhism #accurate buddhism #which we cant assume lucas knew or was authorial intent or whatever #but if we're assuming it's based off of accurate buddhism #theres a lot of emotion going around! #very little repression! #everyone talks about and through their feelings a lot! #and through that all emotion is let go and not grasped #the thing is #and where im guessing the misconception is #you dont see anyone in the prequels acting like that #i mean it seems everyone in the prequels is a horrible jedi #but obi wan seems to be particularly....horrible at this #we all know he represses like whoah #and everyones always saying hes a perfect jedi #so i get the confusion #and the worldbuilding...is not good #if theres still this confusion going around #i always had a positive view of the jedi due to my familiarity with emotions in buddhism and how i vaguely see that in the jedi #but i see how others would take a less postiive approach #like i feel like if the jedi followed this philosophy to the letter AND lived in a scientific society with an approach towards mental health #more or less like ours #they would have #gotten anakin some therapy for his cripplingly obvious borderline personality disorder #oh well #tag rants #sw (tags via @theinternationalacestation)

^^^^^^^^

I feel fairly secure in saying that I doubt Lucas looked very deeply into the philosophies he used as inspiration, so I suspect the prequel Jedi acting un-Buddhist at various points throughout the series is less a deliberate authorial choice on his part than it is a reflection of his own (mis)understanding of Buddhism. But this is one of those things that no one (except perhaps Lucas himself) really knows and will therefore have to remain a mystery.

The takeaway though, is that as with so many other subjects in the series, we end up with a confusing disconnect between what seems to be Lucas’ authorial intention and what we actually see happening onscreen. And this leads to different fans -- who are already bringing their own sociocultural lenses and personal tastes to the table -- interpreting the material very differently and solving this narrative disconnect in drastically different ways. None of which are inherently wrong, I hasten to add... I just find it frustrating that certain interpretations (which tend to be pretty black-and-white) predominate the fandom to such an overwhelming degree.

*nods* Yeah, Obi-Wan... has Issues(TM) when it comes to dealing with his emotions. (Or at least, he definitely does if we take EU works into account. If we’re just talking about the films, things become more open to interpretation. I can never quite decide where TCW falls on this continuum.) As do almost all of the main SW characters, Jedi or not, tbh.

I think part of the problem is that Obi-Wan works very hard at projecting the image of being a perfect Jedi (which isn’t to say that he isn’t genuinely trying to be one as well), and a lot of characters -- even those who should know better! -- end up buying it. And, on a Doylist level, so do a lot of SW writers, which then furthers the problem in-text. YMMV here, though.

I KNOW, right? I didn’t know anything about BPD until a couple of years ago when I ran across a book about it in the library that someone hadn’t put away. (The book, amusingly enough, was titled I Hate You--Don’t Leave Me. Have you ever heard a more Anakin-sounding statement? Echoes of Mustafar right there, I tell you... which is why I looked at the book in the first place.) I don’t claim to be knowledgable about the disorder -- and as I haven’t done any research since, I have no notion how accurate that book was -- but going off of its description, Anakin seems like a textbook case of BPD. But since mental illness and its treatment in the GFFA is one of those topics that the films never cover -- and the EU only barely touches on -- we’re once again forced to revert to headcanons. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My brain is dead right now or I’d add more to this, but yeah, ultimately there are a lot of layers at work here.

#and wow this is WAY wordier than it needed to be but when i'm tired i have a hard time being concise #jedi order #jedi philosophy #jedi code #star wars meta #star wars prequels #star wars #meta #critical analysis is always relevant #obi-wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #things done by phos #mental illness #long post

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yeehaw-lesbians · 7 years

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Do all the talk about asks!!😋

Alright so I held off on answering these for forever and I’m not even sure who to tag when I answer but here u go anon * I don’t even really have a favorite movie but for forever I was obsessed with the Hunger Games franchise

* My first kiss was with my most recent ex. We were on a UTV (kind of like a 4 wheeler but with doors) and it was their first day visiting me. I was nervous, they were adorable, what more can I really say?

* Once again, I had the most intense feelings for my most recent ex. I loved that bitch unconditionally and I think part of me probably still does.

* I regret most of high school, lmao. Most significantly I regret trying to be someone I’m not. It’s really fucked me over.

* I guess I don’t exactly enjoy my birthday but I really liked them when I was little?

* I’m guessing this year’s won’t be great because I’ll be turning 18 and there’s nothing fun about that

* I have a fear of being abandoned or not being good enough. I have a fear of my personality disorder and of it ruining relationships with people that I care about, because it already has.

* This year, I was asked to be Speech captain on my speech team. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal but as of rn we have a winning streak and about 100 kids on our team so to me it is huge.

* I like my ears- they’re tiny and cute. I like my nose, it doesn’t look Caucasian and kind of sets me apart. My eyes are really nice, and I have dimples that I love.

* The biggest fight that I had was with my ex as well. We both said some things we aren’t proud of and unfortunately we probably won’t ever speak again either.

* I used to have dreams where I visited my datemate and those were always precious and pure and made me feel so so safe

* I have really bad night terrors sometimes. I don’t want to go into specifics but I’ve had some about some of my favorite people dying.

* when I was with my datemate I thought I was asexual. I haven’t thought too much about my first time but I just hope it’s with someone who doesn’t fuck me over, other than in the fun way.

* I’ve gone to Disney World three times and that was a lot of fun. I’ve also gone to Phoenix, AZ and it was so historical and so cool

* I was probably most content in sophomore year. I had good friends, an amazing datemate, and thought I had my life figured out. I’m learning how to be content again.

* I literally haven’t been to any ‘actual’ parties lmao but I’ve gotten drunk with a few friends and watched Bo Burnham so??

* I guess right now I most want to be friends with @roseboyross and @joshler

* In elementary school I got a pet Komodo dragon named Hotdog once but we had to sell him

* In middle school I moved and had to live in someone’s basement with my parents and sister while my house was built

* I spent most of high school wanting it to be over lmao

* I had a boyfriend sophomore year who I feel like I could’ve loved but 1) I’m gay af and 2) he didn’t get along with my friends at all

* My personality disorder, probably

* I’ve only really been turned down by one person and I don’t even talk to them anymore, nor do I feel like my attraction was that serious lol

* On a positive aspect, I get called cute and chill and stuff like that quite often. On a negative aspect, I was called abusive by my ex and I think that fucked me over.

* I had a close friend sophomore year but we don’t talk at all other than in extra-curriculars that we have together

* Whether I’m physically or mentally sick, I just try to sleep it off and hope that when I wake up things will miraculously be better lmao

* I classify myself as bisexual, but I guess I definitely develop crushes on girls easier than guys??

* I don’t really have any crazy fetishes other than a certain kink that doesn’t really make sense considering that I like girls. You can put 2 & 2 together.

* I guess I’m definitely more of a sub than I am a dom so someone who’s confident and in control definitely turns me on pretty easily.

* There’s a fine line between arrogant and controlling and if you fall into the side of arrogant you can gtfo

* I just hope death is more peaceful than life is. Also, we won’t be under the rule of a carrot, so that’s pretty great tbh

* The most vivid memory for me as a childhood is the Medora Musical. I went every year and continue to do so.

* I’m honestly a pretty self-deprecating person sometimes but when I’m sad I try to either vent to someone or listen to music. Sleep works sometimes too

* I once broke my arm and I guess that was pretty painful

* I wish I could stop blaming things solely on myself when they go wrong. I wish I could stop being irrational. I wish I could stop having bpd. I wish I was /normal./

* bath bombs have recently become a guilty pleasure. I can sit in the tub for hours, lmao. I also like chocolate and back rubs. I like cuddling people whether it’s romantically or not.

* I’ve already ranted about my ex like five times now but yeah I’m pretty sure we were in love. If we weren’t, getting over them would be a hell of a lot easier.

* bloom-the paper kites. Enough said.

* I wish I would’ve known that falling in love with your best friend can be both beautiful and deadly. I wish I would’ve known that self-harming wasn’t going to be as helpful as I thought it’d be. I wish I would’ve known that loving myself before loving others is ALWAYS important. I wish I would’ve known that there are some people who are placed on this earth as a reminder of who not to become.

* soon it’ll be the end of my high school career. I have cut off so many relationships and reformed those that are going to be important to me.

Once again, not really sure who sent this ask in, but this took forever to do and honestly just resulted in me ranting

#skylar speaks

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