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inkskinned · 2 years

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in recent years, there's been a push in therapeutic circles to shift the language from "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking" behavior.

i was an attention-seeker. i was the textbook example of an attention-seeker. i was a troublemaker. i would self-harm. i destroyed my own relationships. i was uncontrolled, dramatic, sensitive. i took everything personally. i had "nothing" to be depressed "about," but made a big show of how sad i was nonetheless. i was really unsafe about myself in a lot of ways.

the strange thing about that is: it meant others could ignore me. the prevailing wisdom behind knowing something is "attention seeking" is to say: well, since you want it that bad, you're not getting any. it meant i was lower-on-the-list of concern. it meant an eye-roll.

the belief was that: since i was obviously doing these things on purpose, it would be bad behavioral training if i was "rewarded" for it. it would "teach me" that i simply had to make enough fuss, and i'd finally get all that missing attention and love. no, it was better to ignore that stuff.

i was suffering. and it felt like - oh, it doesn't matter how loudly i am in pain, nobody gives a shit about if i'm living or dying.

awhile ago, i went through my journals from that time. a lot of them read the same thing. in them, i am convinced i am invisible. that nobody wants to hear me, to see me. that i could die or vanish and nobody would even notice. i didn't even want attention - not really - because it was always dismissive, mocking. nothing i ever did would be good enough to get someone to actually-worry about me.

that's a terrifying thing for me to read as an adult. that is a child who fully has no problem committing. that is a child who has no concept of feeling loved. the most basic human instinct is missing from her life.

i needed help. i didn't know how to ask for it. i was a kid. i was a kid in a bad home, and whenever i thought things couldn't get worse there - they almost always did.

and the ways i showed that - the ways i tried to deal with that - they made others dismiss me. i wasn't suffering prettily. after all, if i was really in trouble, why wouldn't i just march into the first counselor's office and ask someone to help me? i had the opportunities, right? what did i think would happen, exactly? that someone would finally stand up and do something? who even wants that kind of responsibility?

i heard connection-seeking for the first time about three months ago. my therapist mentioned it when we were talking about my history. it rang some kind of horrible bell, deep inside me. i don't know what she said in the rest of her sentence. i just started... crying.

"oh no", i said to her. "i think i just realized: i have no idea how to forgive them for minimizing the ways i was hurting."

how many other kids, though. how many other kids were out there drowning, snatching around for a lifevest, some kind of rope - how many were straight-up ignored.

how many of those kids aren't gonna get old.

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nymdraws · 11 months

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that’s right, funky-baby,

you failed elysium.

#disco elysium #harrier du bois #harry du bois #2023 #fan #finished this a while ago and never posted it bc i wasnt sure i liked it but. eh.#i had a different but similar piece i was working on that i was going to finish and post with this but idk!#i might still work on that one anyway because i think its more interesting compositionally etc etc but anyway. here. take it #oh also i guess i should tag #suicidal imagery /#suicide /#hanging //#maybe? just in case.

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zeeohyi · 2 months

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bg3 stands for BEAUTIFUL GIIIRL3 ft. those lil guys

edit: i am a dumbass and i forgot shadowheart's eyeshadow SO HERE

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silenthillbunni · 9 days

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lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

#idk it's just all too much to deal w #i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish #i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months #like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk #i just dont know what to do or how to handle it #im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job #im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself #i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it #idk the list just goes on and on and on #nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help #i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all #im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc #i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable #i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city #anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :((#it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more.#so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk

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xxcherrycherixx · 6 months

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" Blondie believes that she will never fit in. she's no social outcast or anything- but when she compares herself to her friends and classmates she begins to feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into a jenga tower. so she squeezes and bends and rips herself to fit into any tiny crack she can, she desperately curates a perfect persona hiding everything that doesn't fit the mold she has created for herself.

after a drop in her mental health she starts wandering the forests behind her home at night, she knows its risky to go out so late and especially to a place so dangerous- but that's the point. she would never admit this morbid intention, admitting that's what she's doing is something she never wants to do. shes not that kind of person, she doesn't have those kinds of issues- instead she pretends she just wants to feel the cold breeze on her skin, or admire the peaceful quiet the night brings.

on one of these dark nights she finds a girl, she lay bare and unconscious on the ground, her shallow breathing being the only indication she's even alive. blondie quickly wakes the girl, she's heard the dark news stories of young women who get taken to private locations, assaulted and left for dead by their attackers. when the girl comes to, she looks at blondie with confusion. "can you hear me? are you alright? do you need medical attention?" blondie asks, the girl squints "i can hear you, im fine"

"are you sure? you're laying in the forest naked." the girl looks down at herself and around before letting out a hum " do you know how to get to-" her brows furrow "i need to go back to-" a look of distress washes over her. Blondie raises a brow at the weird behavior "i don't think you're fine, did you bash your head or something?" the girl looks to her with tears in her eyes "i cant remember my home, i don't remember who i am or how i got here" "

During a bout of severe depression, Blondie discovers a strange girl in the forest who claims to have lost her memory. the two team up to try to recover the lost memories and help the lost girl get home, but as they search for any clues, the two grow close. blondie learns to see both life and herself in a different way.

meanwhile as they delve deeper into the mystery things only become more strange, with nonexistent answers and constant dead ends, the lost girl starts to worry she may never know the truth or return home.

#ever after high #c.a cupid #blondie lockes #heartlockes #there will never be a completed fic for this lmao #i wanted it to come off like a movie poster?? idk if i achieved that #this is the closest to nudity you will ever see babes #tw depression #tw implied suicidal tendencies #tw implied self harm #using both just to be safe / blondie baby has some issues #tw SA mention #its only blondie thinking that's what has happened/ but shes wrong #part of me wants to write some of the ideas i had for this like my brain went wild coming up with this plot #i have so many isssues with writing tho/ there's like 3 fics i haven't worked on in like a month #im only good at smut oneshots tbh/ thats the only shit i have ever been able to complete #my art

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tomurakii · 6 months

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It kind of devastates me how little work was put into the Gale origin. Like you couldn't even record one extra line so that Elminster doesn't refer to "the troubles that have befallen you both" when he comes to tell Gale to kill himself? No cutscene for the character you're romancing to try and convince him not to do it? As is the only realistic ending for a Gale origin run is to blow up in act 2, because there's no place holder for Tav to convince him not to do it at any point.

This may be a glitch but I can't even mention the ordeal to any companions except Wyll and Lae'zel, neither of which I'm dating and only one of which I even told that artefacts weren't keeping the orb stable anymore (because that dialogue option disappeared from all the companions after I told Wyll). I hope it's just a glitch and there is blocked dialogue about it somewhere because this is just depressing.

#I'm not gonna blame the VAs or writers or anything because the crunch time they went under is crazy #but you'd think the character with an arc that literally ends the whole game would yknow. get more work put in to stop that from happening #like we get Tara I guess. but you can fully just not mention it to her. and considering Gale keeps it all hidden and presumably #blows himself up expecting to never see her or his mother again I don't think that's a realistic deterrent #tho her saying that she's gonna tell Gale's mum that he'll be home for a visit soon if you don't tell her abt the suicide mission is sad asf #bg3 #gale dekarios #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate #gale of waterdeep

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cavinginhisfvce · 1 year

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'No Other Way Out For Me"

Pairing: Harringrove.

Tw: suicide attempt, ED unspecified, implied child abuse, self-harm.

Loosely based off the quote "They never want to discuss what triggered you. Just how you reacted."

Was originally one part, but will now be two!

Nobody notices the way Billy seems largely put off by every meal. They don't see the disgust that courses through him with every bite, through every uptick in his calorie intake.

They don't see when he finally dips off to the bathroom to ralph every morsel he possibly can.

Nobody hears his cries over the rush of shower water, they don't hear him shouting to be seen, heard, and held.

They don't see the drops of red that mix in with his shower water as it trails down the drain.

What they do see is Billy's unbridled anger. His hair triggers for any and all things. They see bruised knuckles, and split lips in place of his oh so evident pain. They see a nuisance, an unreasonably angry boy. They take what they see at face value, nobody digs further. Billy doesn't ask them to.

Nobody witnesses the days Billy can barely drag himself out of bed. Nobody sees the days where he's so tired, every movement feels like a war on his body and mind.

There's always a hidden layer of fatigue beneath his skin, some days it's easily ignored, while others it demands to be addressed.

No one is around to watch as Billy Hargrove becomes a shell of his former self. Only Billy and the four walls of whatever room he's holed up in.

Nobody sees the papers that litter Billy's bedroom, or their contents. They don't see the "Dear Max'" and the "I'm sorrys".

Not until it's too late, anyway.

Now, Max watches, horrified as Steve Harrington and her step father alternate between applying pressure to Billy's wounds, and checking for a pulse.

It all seems so hopeless. Her mother tries, and fails to shield her from seeing the panicked attempts at keeping Billy alive. The paramedics aren't too far, Max can hear the blare of their sirens, even over Steve's rushed words of, "stay with us, Billy. Please." "I got you, please."

Please, please, please.

Max wonders if he's pleading with Billy or with the universe. She hopes it's both.

When the EMTs finally did arrive, Max watched with tearful blue eyes as they carted Billy off and into the Ambulance. She watched as Neil slipped in before the doors shut. She watched as Steve dropped to his knees and began to sob, his clothes ruined from the blood that was all over their living room floor. She doesn't know if she should comfort him or leave him be.

She didn't understand why Steve was crying. Was it because the situation was traumatic, even for them? Or was it because somewhere along the line, they'd become friends or something like it?

Sadly, Max wasn't able to wonder very long before her mom was guiding her back into the house. She tried to rush them past the spots where Billy's blood pooled the most, tried to keep the red stained floors from view, but Max had already seen. Max had already seen the state her brother was in when they found him. Had seen the lifeless tint to his skin.

She thought for sure he was gone, but somehow, in spite of his own attempts, he was still fighting. Still alive.

Weak, but alive. If the EMTs were to be trusted when they told her and her mom that Billy would be okay.

Her mom tells her to pack a bag, one for herself and one for Billy.

She obliges.

When her own bag is packed and resting at the foot of her bed, Max hurriedly slips into Billy's room.

She ignores the knowledge that she hasn't been inside of his room in almost a year. She pushes past the visible signs that her brother had been spiraling. There's beer cans littering just about every flat surface. There's papers everywhere, some ripped, some crumpled.

But, worst of all? It's significantly empty, all his posters are gone, leaving his walls bare, lackluster.

His once extensive record collection has dwindled considerably. He barely has six left. Max notes that almost all his favorite ones are gone, the remaining six are the ones she too found herself enjoying. Back when her and Billy hung out. Before they moved to Hawkins and Billy changed.

His clothes are all packed away in plastic crates, the kind meant for long term storage.

She doesn't let herself consider how long Billy had been planning this. If she did, she'd probably see all the signs he laid out for somebody to acknowledge.

He had long since swapped out his short-sleeved, tight shirts, for layers. His jeans followed the same fate, and were replaced by sweatpants and loose jeans. At the time, Max assumed the cold had finally gotten to him. She thought he was just conforming to a life in a brisk town, the same as her.

Instead of packing a bag, she reaches down and swipes up a piece of paper. It's crumpled beyond repair, but legible nonetheless.

"Dear Max,

I'm sorry. For everything. I wasn't a good brother, and you deserved better than that.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from him, any longer. Please don't hate me for this, Max.

If you have to hate me, hate me for how I treated you. But please don't hate me for this. There was no other way out for me,"

The letter gets cut off there, Max guesses he wasn't pleased with how it was coming along.

Max drops the paper with a soft gasp, her eyes filling with tears once again. She wouldn't cry though. Because Billy was going to be okay. He was going to get better, and Max could be the sister he's always needed, and in turn she hopes he will at least try to be a proper brother to her.

She wants to read another unfinished note, but it feels like an invasion, because Billy might've been addressing her, but the letters were still in his possession.

She's never hated him. She just followed the tune he played, it was better if Neil thought they were against one another. Even Max knew that without needing to be told.

But this whole situation? It changed the tune of the song, whether Billy intended for it to or not, Max was no longer following his cues. She didn't need to, because when Billy came home, they'd write the song together.

With that in mind, Max sets to pack his bag. It was easy, considering the way his clothes were packed up.

Max, despite her protests, was sent to stay with The Byers' for over a week.

Usually, staying with her friends was a blessing, but this time it was a dreadful affair. She just wanted to go see Billy in the hospital, but she kept being told she was too young to see him that way. As if she hadn't seen her brother lying in a pool of his own blood.

When Max was able to go home, Billy still hadn't been released from the hospital. At dinner, she finally asked why that was.

Neil seemed to tense up at the question, his fingers clutched his fork so tightly the metal all but bent at the action.

"He's not well, Maxine. The doctors just want to keep him there a little longer to make sure nothing like this happens again." Her mom's voice cut through the silence that followed her question.

Max, feeling pissed off, and put out for some reason, just nodded and went back to eating her dinner.

Well, she tried at least. Most of it was burned, or just too bland.

Her mom was never a good cook, not like Billy who would always manage to save Susan's dishes in some way. He always caught them before they burned, or snuck in extra seasoning whenever her mom would turn her back.

It was another two weeks before Billy was meant to come home, only five days before it all, Neil had taken off in the dead of night. He didn't leave a note, didn't even say goodbye.

To Max's knowledge, her mother hadn't cried when she realized her husband wouldn't be returning. She blared the music Neil often complained about, Billy's favorite genre of music, and skirted around Billy's bedroom. She had Max help her unpack his belongings, his clothes returned to the closet, his scarce record collection was put into a proper display.

Steve even came by and hung Billy's mirror up behind his door. To Max's surprise, he'd also replaced the posters that once covered the walls. He even went as far as to add additional posters, ones from bands Max knew Billy enjoyed. She just didn't know why Steve also knew which bands he favored.

The day they set out to pick Billy up from the hospital, Max had been buzzing with excitement. Three long weeks of not seeing Billy was finally coming to a close.

Max couldn't remember the last time she had been so ready to see the blond, she thinks it might've been when their parents were only dating. They still lived in California, they still got along back then.

However, on the ride over, Max was starting to regret agreeing to come along. She initially thought Billy had been in Hawkins Memorial Hospital, it was nearby, and equipped to take care of him.

But, when they drove beyond the town's limits, to a hospital in the next town over, Max had thrown her head back with a groan.

Steve, who had offered to drive her and her mom, just laughed and glanced back at her when they pulled into a red light. "It's a long drive, right? I've made this drive at least six times this month."

Again, Max was left to wonder just how close Steve and her brother had gotten without her knowing.

This time, however, she voiced her question to him.

The elder seemed to pause, his hands freezing in their place on the steering wheel. He was almost dazed until Susan laid a hand on his arm and whispered something Max couldn't catch.

Whatever it was, was apparently enough to have him nodding his head and breathing out. "We're dating? He's my boyfriend, I guess. I mean, it was purely physical for a long time, but..."

Even though he sounded unsure, and was probably scolding himself for oversharing, Max detected the smile in his voice. She was shocked, for a multitude of reasons. But, mostly because Steve Harrington was dating her brother. The mere thought had her gagging out loud, her face scrunched up in obvious displeasure. She was shocked her mother knew, but that was a topic to broach on a later date.

"Okay, TMI! I get it." Her mom was the first to dissolve into giggles, but both Max and Steve were quick to follow suit.

It took almost thirty minutes before Billy was crossing the threshold of the hospital he'd spent nearly a month in. When he spotted Max, Susan and Steve, it was obvious they hadn't seen him yet. So, Billy did what any sensible older brother would do, and snuck up behind Max. His eye caught Steve's and he motioned for him to remain silent, before he was placing both hands on Max's shoulders and leaning into her space. "Hey, shitbird!"

Max, who almost jumped out of skin, turned around and flung herself into Billy's arms. "Asshole!"

The latter caught her easily, his arms winding around her waist, both of them ignoring Susan's gentle scolding.

It was at least a minute before Billy was playfully shoving her away, his face twisted up in mock anger, "alright enough, you're getting little bitch all over me!"

Max slapped his arm, her lips forming a pout, "stop being an ass, I missed you!"

Billy just smirked at her, clicking his tongue as he glanced up at Steve, then at Susan.

There was a mischievous glint in his eye, one familiar to all of them.

Steve was the one to groan, "Billy, no, don't."

But, his plea fell on deaf ears, because two seconds later, Billy was saying, "You act like I almost died, Maxie."

Again, Max slapped his arm, this time with more power than the first one. "Don't joke about that, Billy!"

Her body seemed to betray her demands, because she was then giggling madly.

"Only you two would find this funny." Her mom just shook her head, her disappointment overshadowed by the fond twinge to her tone.

On the ride home, Max and Susan both sat in the back, allowing Billy the opportunity to sit in the passenger seat.

He tried convincing Steve to let him drive, but he was quick to decline. None of them were too keen on the motion sickness that came with Billy's fast, reckless driving.

Every time Steve glances in Billy's direction, Max can't help but to wonder if he's seeing the same image that flashes occasionally in her mind.

Billy, not breathing, bleeding too much for any one person, he was thinner than Max could recall.

It was like Billy had been replaced before their very eyes. Only, nobody noticed the way his cheeks seemed to sink in, or the way his eyes always held dark bags, even after hours, and hours of rest.

Once upon a time, Max would've praised herself for how well she knew her step brother, but recent events proved she knew very little about him. It had taken him nearly dying for her to see his pain. For anyone to see his pain. Max wishes she would've seen Billy changing from abrasive to withdrawn for what it was. A cry for help. Instead, she wrote it off. She wrote him off.

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lnkedmyheart · 1 year

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Listen, I like Oda, he's cool and everything but he tells Dazai the exact same thing Verlaine says to Chuuya. Both of these boys were struggling with their identity and believed they didnt deserve to be seen as humans. Where Dazai was desperately distancing himself but positioning himself in a spot where he could still experience humanity, Chuuya was actively trying to be human while also not fully accepting himself as one. Verlaine tried to break Chuuya by reinforcing his lack of humanity by pointing out how nothing and no one could ever fill that lonely void in him and yea sure we all collectively believe that was a nasty thing to say to a child struggling with his identity who had just lost all his friends. But Oda did the exact same thing, I know his intentions were better and he cared about Dazai when he said that and the meaning was distorted because neither actually understood the other enough, but he told a child struggling with his identity who had just lost his 2 closest friends and had no contact with his partner at the time that nothing could fill the lonely void in his soul.

And nobody is ever allowed to question it or criticise it cause Oda has the cool dead guy syndrome where he isn't allowed to be criticised or judged like other characters.

Because Chuuya heard those words at the very beginning of strombringer by someone he hated and later spent the entire book learning that people did in fact care for him and view him as human and finding out about his parents and the scar, it led to him having (slightly) less of a martyr ideology because he no longer isolates himself and tends to seek out genuine connections even if he is painfully reserved and repressed about his own struggles. Meanwhile Dazai was told those exact same words by Oda at the very end of the dark era arc at an incredibly vulnerable moment when he had literally lost everything and seen things and lives fall apart by someone who he idolized to an almost unhealthy level. This leads to Dazai quite literally losing hope (he shows a hopeful nature a few times in 15 and dark era though it is rather subtle, Dazai shows it most in his attempt to stop Oda from going to the final fight) and becoming a martyr who sees no value in his own life outside of a tool. He struggles to create genuine connections even with people who genuinely care for him (the ADA) and repeatedly puts on a mask in front of them.

Chuuya and Dazai both view themselves as people whose lives are only worth what they can do for others in different ways, Chuuya feels the need to protect because he is the strongest and feels need to earn his existence whereas Dazai feels the need to martyr himself because he only finds value in his life and death by saving people.

#soukoku #i am actually super tired so I am probably making no sense #but i have so many thoughts on this #like they said the exact same thing #sometimes good people have good intentions but an awful execution #sorry but i will never sit here and accept the idea that Oda's words did Dazai good #they gave him a wake up call sure #but anything he had said at that moment #even just telling him to leave and be a good person wpuld have worked because Dazai IDOLIZED him #he could have told Dazai to do a chicken dance and Dazai would have fucking done it at that point #his words pushed Dazai from suicidal but making excuses to a martyr mentality #ive seen people unironically call anyone who dislikes or analyses Oda's words a hater #but somehow every analysis turns into more evidence of skk mirroring each other

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