#struggled to even post this bc it’s just so bad

[okkalo]

unfair questions

rindou x fem! reader

genre(s): fluff

“me or another girl, who are you choosing?” your question made rindou move his phone to the side to look at you with furrowed brows. he knew you liked to ask these questions that held consequences if he didn’t answer right. this one, however, was too easy for his liking.

“what the hell? you, obviously,” he answered, his lilac eyes scanning you suspiciously. you, however, just lay on his chest without giving any hints as to what your plan was.

“ok, but what if it’s a freaky friday situation?” you ask, resulting in rindou’s brows furrowing even further.

“what’s that?”

“like me and the girl swap bodies, so she’d have my body and i’d have hers,” you explained, watching as his head took the information in and tried to think of the best possible answer to appease you.

he opened his mouth but nothing came out as he began to realize there was no way he could answer this correctly. you couldn’t help but snort watching him struggle to come up with something, making him give you an upset look.

“stop,” he huffed, not liking being laughed at.

“stop what? answer the question,” you played innocent as you gave him a light nudge to gesture him to answer. he grumbled unrecognizable words at your continued act, moving his phone back to where it covered your presence resting on his chest.

“i hate these questions,” he mumbled, his thumb going back to scrolling through his phone.

“so, you would take the other girl instead?” you asked, voice accusatory—something he hated hearing since it was always associated with your dumb questions.

“i might if you keep asking me dumb questions,” he answered offhandedly, drawing an offended gasp from you. before you could even say something about it, however, rindou was quick to push the back of your head so that you were now smushed onto his chest. “stop trying to start drama; you’re worse than ran.”

he made sure to keep you pressed against his chest, despite your struggles to retaliate at him. though, could you really complain with such a breathtaking sight in front of you?

unedited. thank you for reading!

#struggled to even post this bc it’s just so bad #like i don’t know #but i needed to get smth out 💔 #don’t mind the ending i’m so #anyways hope u guys enjoyed… #rindou x reader #rindou haitani x reader #rindou haitani #haitani rindou #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo revengers drabbles #tokyo rev drabbles

[skunkes]

might sound weird to say as a person with a couple ocs who have Big Horrible Event(s) in their backstories or as a person who has like 3 ocs total bc he sucks at writing and as a person who hopes their ocs arent too Boring with [the thing im about to mention] but the thing about writing [characters] and [people] is that like.

any little thing a person experiences can take up their whole existence... its actually something "fun" to experience as i meet new ppl and do more things. My friend had something happen that she'll be talking about forever. I had several things happen last year that ill never stop talking about, some of which other ppl think werent that bad actually. In the same way I'll forever remember about the way my sister accidentally insulted me almost 10 years ago, it's really interesting and Fun to find and assign smaller things like that to characters...its really Real. some people's dealbreakers are other people's solvable problems etc etc

#(as well as the opposite: Big Event that maybe shocks everyone around em but they genuinely werent shaken by) #though this one is more common and leads to those ''ohh i didnt know that was normal oops'' moments #talkys #inspired by recent me and friend events #and also recent events where i told sum ppl more stuff about Thing and they responded as if it wasnt a big deal. but it was to me. #and also how i thought a part of al's childhood backstory was kind of maybe dumb and not realistically as impactful as id expect #but i saw someone on reddit almost word for word write that as their experience and how its shaped em as a person #and thats it like... the small things are boring and hard to keep track of sometimes #its not like you'll include every single little event your oc was shaped by in their bio #but idk. its like Fun to piece together for fun. to mold a human being #ykwim? wld be silly to tell everyone ''oh my oc struggles with self image due to many instances like... when their sister called em ugly'' #or write it anywhere but it is fun to Know and have in your head. and its real ! #just like if a friend told you about something that happened to em #long post #delete later #sorry i keep saying stupid obvious shit lately ive always been bad at oc making AND socializing so im learning everything late #but anyway yes. idk even as i keep making ocs that are ''similar'' its like. every person so different #people can react to anything in any way for any reason. i love people #this is why i struggle a bit with keeping ocs to archetypes i guess bc like. what is ooc for an oc. people contain contradictions all the #time. you can change yourself at any time. #ok nobody will read this far so ill go to the real insane rambling #part of this has been a part of my chats with talon while trying to get him to share more info #like. yeah ok you're 400+ years old the things that happened to you were such a comparatively small part of your life #but humans dont live as long and think about small things until they die. i dont think time would heal all wounds actually. not all of em #some thoughts just always come to gnaw at your brain. its ok to not be over things. i feel ill never be over some things #and also complainerism can be fun but thats something else entirely wee hee ^_^

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[sunnibits]

.

#posting some good personal news bc my life has been so shit lately and it’s taken every ounce of restraint to not vent- #I just went to the doc today and I gained five pounds!!!! #I’ve been struggling rlly bad with an eating disorder lately (mainly the side effects of it tbh rather than the actual thing itself) #but I finally gained :’) #it’s nice to feel even the tiniest bit of progress for once #gem don’t look #tw ed

[hella1975]

what does it mean to average 2:1 or 2:2? I don’t think we do that in America

okay so the uni grading system here is done based on percentages. the pass mark is 40%, which americans ALWAYS hit me with 'only 40???? easy!!!' so id like to clarify the content/exams are very difficult and the marking is very mean and generally it's really frustrating when people respond this way, like why tf would we have such a low pass grade otherwise it's a dumb assumption to make but anyway. you do about 6 modules a semester (on average, some courses have more/less), and each module will give you a final grade, and then the average of all your modules from both semesters will give you your final year grade. they're all marked by the same system, which is:

grade of less than 40% = fail

grade of 40%-50% = third class honours (called a third)

grade of 50%-60% = lower second class honours (a 2:2, literally said aloud as 'i got a two-two in my exam')

grade of 60%-70% = upper second class honours (a 2:1, said as 'i got a two-one'). this is what im PRAYING for.

grade of 70%+ = first class honours (just called a first). this is the highest you can get, so even if you get 90% you'll have the same grade as someone who got 72%. this is also what i mean by the exam system being really tough here, bc most people are just grateful to get a first.

#so last year i got averages of just over 60 in a lot of my modules but also some that i BARELY scraped a pass #bc id resat them and when you resit an exam (bc you failed the first time. lol. lmao) then even if you get 100% on the resit #they will cap you at 40%. so naturally it shafts your average #but i STILL SOMEHOW MANAGED TO AVERAGE WITH A 2:1 LAST YEAR WHICH IS WHY IN THAT POST I MADE BACK THEN I WAS FREAKINGGG OUT #bc that's genuinely such a good grade like that's an UPPER SECOND CLASS HONOURS and i never considered i could do that #bc of how much this degree has pumelled me into the mud. so yeah now that i know it's actually potentially feasible #im really really hoping to keep it up and end with a 2:1 #bc traditionally (and im not saying this is a correct way to think. you're not gonna see me of all people yapping about good grades #have you SEEN the state of my academics) a first or a 2:1 are considered the best outcomes with a degree #while a 2:2 is shrug not bad not great and anything lower is considered 'embarrassing' #and i literally MADE PEACE with the fact id be getting a piss poor grade out of econ so to find out all my hard work and struggling #MIGHT ACTUALLY PAY OFF ON PAPER??? WHEN IT LITERALLY NEVER HAS BEFORE???? POPPING MY PUSSY #ask #hella goes to uni

[delta-piscium]

after Eddie graduates he still wants to play dnd so Steve let’s them play in his house and the kids are so excited because maybe this way they can get Steve to play?

he doesn’t, but he watches and that’s something right? Except it isn’t because he keeps humming and snorting and he fucking giggles at one point when they’re deciding how to fight the big bad

they slowly realize that it’s because Eddie tells Steve his plans for the campaign, so Steve is sitting there laughing because he knows what will happen and oh my god this is so much worse than Eddie ever was on his own because now he’ll give Steve these looks and Steve will smile or raise an eyebrow or something and there’s no pattern to what happens after so they can’t even brace themselves, and yeah they should have kept them apart this is a nightmare

#eddie munson #steddie #steve harrington #stranger things #listen I just think Steve wouldn’t want to play but he’d love to watch #and Eddie starts planning sessions when they’re hanging out and he tells Steve everything and Steve is on the edge of his seat knowing what #will happen and seeing what the kids will do #and with all the shit they give him about not knowing stuff so what if he lets out a little snort when they choose to go left instead of #right when actually both options are equally bad #it’s just a little harmless thing to mess with them #Eddie picks up on it and will sometimes look at stave and raise an eyebrow and Steve knowing nothing is about to happen will smile and nod #and the kids will literally loose all the blood in their face and all that happens that session is they buy some new weapons but next times #it happens they get attacked so what actually does it even mean? #it means Eddie and Steve are messing with them just a tiny bit #but also that Eddie is including Steve because he knows he’s hesitant to play bc he thinks he’d ruin it but this way he gets to be a part #of it and also as much as Eddie loves to DM it can get lonely and it’s exciting to share this with Steve #sometimes Steve is humming and nodding because he’s impressed with them though #but it still drives them absolutely crazy bc these kids has such a need to know everything and the DM being the only one who knows is #the point so they can deal but this? yeah it’s a struggle #my post #dels steddie thoughts

[guideaus]

being so against unfamiliar things is kind of a sad pov to have. Whether a book is old, a movie isn't made by the most popular studio full of famous actors based on an already recognizable IP, music by an indie band, whatever, especially if it's literally foreign, i think it is bad to confidently refuse to engage w different things. Like... why not put some effort into being curious about things in the world, instead of boasting about being comfortable and mocking others.

#personal #a 6 y/o girl being into barbie is understandable. a teen girl liking romance. if ur a grown adult and saying how anything not YA is a snooz #fest i think that is bad tbh... #i dont think its abt being 'intellectual' (tho its not bad to think abt things) but even just the base act of trying smth new #and frankly consuming media is fairly easy lol. u arent being tasked to write a book for a grade #and even if u struggle reading u can try. look up words. reread what u dont get. ask others #a lot of those posts just have a very shitty uncaring attitude that i remember from hs #and it is annoying to see ppl act immature #not to mention the ppl publishing counting on these ppl to mindlessly consume whatever's most palatable #i wont say im offended or anything (bc it more shows their insecurity) but if im being mean i think it is dumb #and sad so many seemingly refuse to try the scary hypothetical 'foreign 3 hour black and white' film

[mossflower]

ok i’m gonna set an alarm but it is not the end of the world if i miss the lecture tomorrow

#i am quite frankly concerned by my attendance. i am not academic weaponing it up. i am being academically attacked #it’s fine it’s fine. i always get caught up and i’d say i’m making it to a solid three quarters of them. but it’s not ideal yknow #turns out living alone is very hard and i am oh so tired. all of the time #which yes is in part bc i’m struggling with sleeping. and also low iron is low ironing bc i’m bad at remembering to take my tablets #and social awkwardness is quite frankly reaching the point where it’s probably just actual anxiety. teebeehaitch #it’s better than it was when i first got here but uhm. not by much #even posting on here is freaking me out a bit bc i keep remembering that i have like. 1700 followers for some reason #like you’re telling me that what amounts to my diary is hypothetically being read by 1700 people. that’s fucking insane. what am i doing #like i only get a few notes on personal posts obviously but still. it kinda freaks me out #might make another blog idk. not right now i am going to have a nap <3 and hopefully attend my lectures <3 #i can hear birds singing outside. why do i keep doing this to myself #morganposting

[euyrdice]

i don’t think the opinion that rei and shigaraki’s mom played a role and have some responsibility in their children’s abuse and trauma is wrong. i think its hard to understand if you haven’t been the child/been in a similar position to dabi, shoto ect

#its so strange seeing the todoroki family dynamics; bc i get it SO much #like u dont blame your mom. u do for a second; when ur angry; when ur still living it. u ask why she didnt protect u. #but those thoughts are completely overwhelmed by your love for her; your misplaced guilt that you couldn’t save her; #and your anger at the actual abuser #when i see fictional parents fail their children; even if they were vicitms; i still get terribly angry for the children #bc i get it… that thought shigaraki had… why didnt you do anything.. i know you we’re struggling but i was your child #but also bc i know those feelings so well i also know that ill always reach my mom w endless empathy #almost too much; to the point where im carrying the blame and forgetting shes an adult #but anywho i think i get frusterated w fictional parents; even rei; because kids can do nothing. when ur a kid u have absolutely no power #and if the adults dont help you; no one will #and when they dont; it fucks you up for the rest of your life; and you spend a long time trying to heal from it #and you were a child; you couldnt do anything. the adults could. but they didn’t #so i do think some blame for dabi and shotos trauma goes to rei #i do think some blame goes to my mom #but like shoto… i forget all of that; and i just want to protect and love my mom more than anything in the world #it doesnt matter; you just love your mom and your heart breaks for her and u want her to be safe and happy #and rei is a victim ofc #i think its the part of me that lived similarly to dabi/shoto that always feels v protective of children who were victims of abuse #and finds it important to recognize the areas where these parents failed their kids #and where rei failed dabi and shoto especially; and the ways the blame is hers as well #also i am NOT an enji fan i do not like or care ab him at all #this is not an enji defense/support or rei was as a bad as enji post or whatver

[toastsnaffler]

thinking abt the touden siblings got me sniffling and weeping....

#im.too emotional abt them to properly explain #just rly glad to see autistic characters in media that i can deeply relate to and share experiences with. its such a rare thing #and i feel so protective of them i dont give a fuck abt fandom normally but some ppls bad takes lately are getting under my skin #like just say u hate autistic people and leave. stop calling laios a fucking freak im going to kill you with my bare hands #ppl think theyre so smart and funny for making posts like haha hes thr type of autistic that makes everyone uncomfortable and wish he- #would shut up or go away. im going to start hitting u with a brick until ur a bloody pulp #and thw way ppl treat falin so differently just bc shes not a guy. even tho theyre both clearly autistic and struggle socially #like wow thats crazy. do you act this way abt autistic ppl irl too #whatever just liberally blocking ppl abt it i dont fucking wanna see ur stupid posts #anyway.. back to thjnking abt their backstories and crying a little. masculinely of course #man i am soooo tired im so glad its the weekend i want to melt into a puddle and soak into the carpet and stain it forever #but we dont.have carpet.in this flat so.i guess ill just go to bed...... #well maybe a little elden ring first #i would reallt like to draw sometime this weekend too. need to muster up some creative courage #but thats a problem for tomorrow... zzz #.diaries

[izzy-b-hands]

im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just

it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)

#text post #god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again #in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps #makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now #gonna sleep eventually #i think lmao #im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better #that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something #no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that #my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it #he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances) #and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year #i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND #and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live #that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me #he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off #where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself #if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao #i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine #gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings #find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try #forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others

[skunkes]

Do u ever think abt where al (and talon too neow?) will go when u find ur person irl? Ykwim? like do u think we'd forget them / drop / git bored of our lil oc guys (of al's nature)? it feels sad!!! like a real loss 2 me. is it weird to be attached to them like they r real? HMM.

i hope ur doing well btw wit all da things ur goin thru. wishin u the best, peace and stability to u, bruther <3

dis is so scary i was just talking to a friend about something adjacent to this...

putting under read more solely because it feels weird to have some of the stuff im gonna mention just out in the open loll ^_^ ^_^

so! I kind of already experienced something like this last year, when i found myself um...in a situation like one you described...

I put al up on the shelf for a bit then picked him back up a few months later for much needed comfort among lots of confusion... I look at this Now as maybe being because, well. things started going south at that time and i needed Al again... + that makes sense! but i also have a friend who's in a long term relationship who still has thier own array of characters in their brain to lean on for comfort (though they aren't ocs)

I understand what you mean though... I'm attached to them like they're real. and neither outcome sounds good to me...!

like if the case is just that The Best Fit For Me, My Partner, really will make me forget about them, that makes me sad!!! Al has been in my life for such a long time. in those few short months of my situation where things were nice, I didn't have much to draw...! I don't know what I would draw if it wasn't my little comforts...! My yearning... It felt really weird even if i was happy for a little bit... it felt weird that he was just Gone.

BUT if the case is that i find a partner that's a good fit for me and i DONT forget about Al (and talon)...then that's also kinda sad...! Sad that I still need additional fantasy comfort that can never be real... because the little guys in my brain are like their own people... sad that there's nothing on earth close enough in the same way that everyone you date can have their own qualities you'll miss because theyre their own person, except they'll always just be in my brain and never in my arms etc etc... it is sad.... sometimes i just get emotional over having created em at all because all the outcomes are so sad to me......

#skunk mail #Anonymous #long post #long ask #like argh i cant believe it. #you bring me so much comfort and sanity but remembering you dont exist hurts so bad. #i wish i could be happy with just you in my brain but i need to physically hold somebody but nobody will ever be you...! #and you will never be real but i love you so muck... #id be worse off if you never existed but you're never going to leave... and nothing will ever compare...augh #and if u do leave thats also sad ! #and idkkkk i know it sounds so cringe. like obvs its romanticized idealized #but i already experienced the real thing once #my friend is experiencing the real thing now #and we still needed/need that supplemental love that isnt real...ugh #ykwim? so this isnt even just ''fictional character better because Easier and No Struggle'' #bc even in my fantasies there's conflict or ups and downs or just boring days...domestic things #wahh #i wouldnt even be happy being like the cockroach wife guy. i cant be happy if i dont have anyone to physically tangibly share a life with. #ive really just screwed myself over with my copium #BUT like it also makes sense??? one person cant be your everything you still have friends that fill different roles in your life #but idk. its still hard bc the ppl in my brain do fulfill different needed roles but arent real

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

I'm being so normal about my code and definitely didn't just almost cry (positive) upon confirming that I successfully linked my JS file in my HTML file with a relative path and it runs exactly as expected

#sfw #personal #ok to reblog #I am intentionally putting the more generic tags later so that they will hopefully be used for local organization but not in global searches #programming #code #HTML #JavaScript #webdesign #in my defense I'm realizing that I have finally learned all three of the web code brothers and I can use them together #and I'm not even struggling #and I'm realizing I have so much creative power now #and also that my fear of JS was almost totally baseless like it's not even a tenth as bad as it sounded #but I just finished a set of functions that I thought impossible and impenetrable a few days ago and my code works first try* #*unless you count a few easy to find typos #I'm just. huh. ok. apparently this is something I can do now. and I'm not even doing it wrong? I don't know what to do with this information #(to be clear the file link triggered this ig just bc it was like the final touch to make it Official? but it wasn't about that specifically) #(also I wrote this and forgot to post it for almost an hour oops)

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.

#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness. #COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye #yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all #until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs #I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying. #even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat! #my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone #and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor #the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T #I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home #lonely TT-TT #it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry #I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now #but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up #and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time #I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week. #I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me #I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over #so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T. #I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind. #<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind

[hiding-under-the-willow]

I need you all to know that I have been struggling to write a singular chapter of Inheritance for the last like month and I am just now actually making progress 💀

#atlas speaks #it's not the next chapter. but the one after that #there's a post sitting in my drafts explaining. why. its taken so long. bc it did take me this long to realize why i was struggling with it #and the reason is so silly and stupid lmao #but i refuse to post that draft for fear of spoilers. for the like ten people who actually read it lol #but i did want to make light of it bc i think it's so silly #it is the sole reason we've caught up with my backlog of pre-written chapters #without getting into specifics. really it's just cause i feel so bad for Maya lmao. and it's not even like a particularly wild chapter. #but despite how calm things actually seem on the surface. i know things she doesn't and the dramatic irony is killing me #everytime something seemingly innocuous happens i am sitting there with my head in my hands like 'oh my god she does not deserve this' #it's literally so ridiculous

[hella1975]

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#be deadly fucking serious rn PLEASE whatttt. that post that's like 'parents will say something that shapes you as a person #but for them it was just another tuesday' like WHAT JUST HAPPENED #basically if you've been following me since i went to uni then you know first year was an... interesting time for me and my mum #we rowed all the time and it's the most unsettled our relationship has ever been and i do truly believe it was just some unfortunate #external factors like me leaving home would rock the boat enough it was always gonna rejig our dynamic #but on top of that i was her LAST child to fly the nest which she hated AND my sister was in germany being insanely dependent on my mum #so i got sidelined a lot which was shitty at the time but i get it now like im still a bit bitter bc being the eldest everything my sister #does is an exciting first and our age gap means typically our academic big moments tend to cross over #so my a-levels happened during her first year of uni so for me a-levels were the biggest thing ever but ofc her thing was bigger #but when she did HER a-levels it was the biggest thing ever and i was /just/ doing gcses etc and germany was the same #like it was JUST my first year of uni bc meanwhile my sister was living alone in a foreign country. so that sucks and my mum was #defo focused on my sister and i wasn't in a position to be like 'hey i know it doesn't seem like it now you've got one kid through it #but going to university and settling in for the first year is still an insanely stressful and lonely time so please pay attention to me' #and all in all me and my mum just STRUGGLED we fought A LOT and not petty rows either they were really emotionally heavy all the time #and basically what's caused this post is that she said about america 'it'll be the longest ive been away from you' #and i know what she meant like a month out of england is the biggest thing ive ever done and im not even in EUROPE so this is huge #but i kinda said like 'im pretty sure i went a month in first year a couple times without visiting?' AND I MEANT IT CASUAL #BC I AM PRETTY SURE IT'S TRUE LIKE I WASNT EAGER TO GO HOME I WENT SOME WEEKS NOT EVEN RINGING #which REALLY shows how strained it must have been at the time. and she responds with confusion so i pointed out that first year #wasn't a great time for us and again still being casual bc it's such a fundamental truth for me that first year was Bad for me and mum #and she just blinks at me like 'what are you talking about' what. WHAT. like i knew she wasn't paying much attention to me then #but it made me MISERABLE for an entire YEAR like boom can testify bc they had to deal with my bs over the phone the entire time #and my mum just. didn't even notice that we weren't doing well. what. what the fuck even..... baffled by this actually #like i am REELING from this i feel like she just tipped the fundamentals of my world with that #hella goes home