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heavyhitterheaux · 17 days

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Got Me Thinking

Part 9: The Art of Starting Over

Synopsis: Jack finally gets the courage to come and see you in Calabasas even though he still thinks you won't give him the time of day. Apologies are made from both sides, and you feel confident that this was meant to be.

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader

Series Masterlist

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Jack had attempted to call you multiple times after you had hung up on him, but you steadily let it go to voice-mail. In order to stop hearing the constant ringing, you placed your phone on silent as you decided to take a bath to hopefully relax and get your thoughts together. You felt guilty for hanging up on him, but your thoughts and feelings were valid. You felt like he left you out to dry instead of helping you through everything. Responsibility was taken on your part for running off and not telling anyone and you knew deep down that your trauma response to situations was anything but healthy.

Now moving forward, you had to deal with the fact that you were going through a divorce, pregnant, and as far as you were concerned you were in this for the time being alone. Wanting a relationship with Jack was still on the table, but at the moment you weren't 100% sure. Your thoughts were interrupted by Tania frantically knocking on the bathroom door.

“Y/N! Did you hang up on your baby daddy?!” She asked and all you did was sigh before rolling your eyes. You should have known that his next move would be to call Tania.

“I don't want to talk to him right now.” You answered her through the door and you immediately heard her sigh.

“Babe, you…. Okay. Y/N, I know that you are extremely mad at him and for good reason and I know his reaction wasn't the best when you told him, but you need him right now and he's trying to fix this.”

“I'll talk to him when I'm ready. I don't know when that will be, but this is a lot to take in. I need to take time and work through my feelings.”

“You know for a fact that he's probably going to ask you to come back to Louisville.”

When you were quiet, she immediately opened the door.

“Y/N? It might be best if you go back. Just think, you have your parents, your brother and sister, Jack, Jack's parents. Your entire support system is in Louisville.”

“You aren't there.”

“I can always stay with you for a few months until you get into a comfortable routine. That isn't an excuse.”

“Tania, what if we really aren't supposed to be together?” You softly whispered and her face immediately fell as she saw the tears in your eyes.

“Y/N, that man loves you and we are not doing this. The two of you are supposed to be together, end of story. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have immediately been blowing up my phone to check on you because you weren't answering him to make sure you were okay. So can you please call him back once you get dressed?”

“I'll think about it.”

“Well you didn't say no, so I'll take it.”

As soon as you hung up on him, Jack was immediately dialing your number again in the hopes that you would answer but deep down he knew that his chances were slim to none. When you didn’t answer, he knew that Tania was with you and immediately called her.

“Hello?”

“Tania! Is Y/N with you? She called me on facetime, but hung up after she told me uh…”

“That she’s pregnant? Yes, I know. Go on.”

“I.. I guess that my reaction wasn’t the best and that she said that I failed her through this entire situation. Can you just tell her to call me back? I need to fix this and I have to make her understand that I want to be with her.”

“I’ll do my best, Jack, but I’m not promising you anything. She’s hurting and she’s hurting badly. She feels that you just left her to fend for herself after she got up and moved back home all for you to break it off with her. She feels like maybe you don’t want this as much as you say you did.”

“But I do! I love her and I want us to be together. I just want us to be able to start fresh with nothing hanging over our heads or nothing holding us back.”

“That’s fair and I know you told her that, but I don’t know. I’ll talk to her and see what I can do.”

When Jack had gotten off the phone with her, he went back into the studio where everyone else was and he was in somewhat of a daze, and for good reason. Clay was the first one that noticed that something was wrong with his brother and wasted no time in asking him.

“Jack?”

“Hmm?”

“How’d it go?”

“She hung up on me.” He answered quietly and Urban immediately shook his head.

“But… I feel like there’s something else.” Clay added and Jack sighed before answering and running a hand through his curls.

“She’s pregnant and I didn’t have the best reaction because I was surprised obviously… and I don’t know.”

A collective gasp was heard before the room fell silent.

“Wait, pregnant by WHO? It better not be by her ex-husband. She deserves so much better than that asshole. He already had a baby on her!” Urban said as he was the first one to speak.

“By the look on Jack’s face, that baby is his.”

“Damn, pregnant by your ex-boyfriend and currently divorcing your husband? Y/N’s life sounds like a lifetime movie.” 2fo said from the corner.

“Sooo, are you going to Calabasas to get your girl or what? If you say anything other than yes, you deserve to get your ass beat.”

“She probably isn’t even going to open the door if I show up.”

“If Y/N is not answering her phone and you want her as bad as you say you do, you are going to do what you need to do in order to make her believe you. We’ve been rooting for the two of you since Clay got her to come to your birthday party. Like I said, this has been the happiest that I’ve seen you in a very long time. Both of you need to get your shit together and work on this because now it’s not only you two that you need to think about. Another person is involved who is counting on the both of you.” Neelam said to Jack as everyone in the room collectively agreed.

“Because we can work from any studio in the world. That isn't an issue. What you need to focus on is getting Y/N to talk to you.”

Jack had been in California for more than a week and still had yet to call you. Instead, he drowned himself in work and making multiple appearances

all while complaining and getting on Clay's nerves and he had to get his older brother to come to his senses one way or another.

They were currently in the studio once again and Clay was eyeing Jack as he was currently scrolling through his camera roll which consisted of 90% of your pictures and waiting for a few more people to get there. When Jack looked up and caught Clay staring at him, he looked at him confused.

“What?”

“We have literally been here going on two weeks and you have YET to talk to your girl. You've been avoiding this entire situation and you're getting on my nerves. I did my part and reunited the two of you so you better make this work.” Clay confessed being completely honest.

“I… I didn’t even do anything!”

“Exactly, hence the getting on my nerves part.”

“I….”

“You claim that you want her so bad, but I don't know if you really do and by this point, she probably thinks you two have called it quits.”

“We're on a break for the HUNDREDTH time!”

“Dumbass boyfriend and baby daddy of the year award.”

“HEY!”

“CALL HER.”

“But…”

“Better yet, go see her. You know where she lives.”

Jack’s response was interrupted by 2fo coming in through the door along with Nickie, but Clay just shook his head at him before pulling out his phone and texting you.

Clay- Y/N, your boyfriend and baby daddy has been in California for almost two weeks and claims that he wants to talk to you and see you. But yet he's been up my ass and getting on my nerves and not coming to talk to you. Congratulations on the baby, by the way. I’m excited to be an uncle.

You- HUH? And thanks, I guess.

Clay- He is getting on my LAST NERVE. He misses you, but won't do anything about it because he feels guilty and feels that you don't want to talk to him. I guess because of what happened last time.

You- I’m willing to talk to him, but he has to meet me halfway. All he literally has to do is call me or come and see me. I don't really go anywhere. When he gets himself together, let me know

Once Clay had put his phone down, he was eyeing Jack once again.

“We're staying for two hours and then you’re going to see her.”

“Did we switch places today? I thought I was the oldest.”

“I clearly have to take over since you're being a dumbass.”

—

It was around 7 at night when you got a call on your phone from Jack and you stared at it for a second before deciding to answer it. You figured that you might as well since he was attempting to make an effort so should you.

“Yes, Jackman?”

“Uh hey, um I'm outside.”

“Wait….. like outside my house?” You asked. You knew Clay had told you that he was here, but you expected for him to wait until you reached out first.

“Yeah, been out here close to an hour to get the nerve to tell you I was out here.”

“Okay. I'm coming to open the door. Hold on.”

You hung up the phone and threw your fluffy comforter away from your body as you got up to make your way downstairs. Once you opened the door and came face to face with him, your breath hitched in your throat and you didn't realize how much you actually missed him until he was right in front of you. You were still mad at him, but seeing that he made the effort to come and see you made It a little less.

Catching you off guard, once Jack stepped across the threshold of the house, he immediately embraced you in a hug which almost made you lose your balance as you let out a yelp from being caught off guard. It took you a second, but you hugged him back and the two of you stood there for what seemed like ten minutes before the two of you broke apart. He then leaned down to kiss you, which you gladly accepted before the two of you made your way over to the couch in the living room.

It was quiet for a few more minutes before anyone spoke. But you figured it was now or never.

“What took you so long to come and see me?” You asked as you got straight to the point.

“I didn't think you wanted to be bothered with me and I thought that you probably wouldn't come to the door if I did.”

“Jackman, if I didn't want to be bothered with you I would have made that perfectly clear. I uprooted the life that I knew for almost six years to move back to Louisville for you. If I didn't love you, why in the world would I have done that?”

“I know, but I feel like I put too much pressure on you in order to do that and I'm sorry. I only suggested it because I thought that was what you would want. I wanted you to get away from this environment and start fresh.”

“I do want that. I want this life with you. I just didn't expect you to suggest that we shouldn't be together right now. That hurt me. For so long, I was with someone who didn't give a damn about me and then the one person that I wanted to be with left me high and dry.”

“It wasn't my best idea and I… I thought that If I did that, somehow someway it would shield you from the media and how they’ve been acting towards you. In the end I did it to protect you but it only ended up hurting both of us even more. I just don't want anything happening to you because of what my job is.”

“I get that.”

It was quiet again for a few seconds before Jack put his hand on your stomach.

“And I'm sorry for the way I reacted when you told me about the baby. I want nothing more than to have a baby with you and I'm sorry it didn't come off that way. I just feel like I'm going to be apologizing all night.” He quietly said before starting to draw circles on your now flat belly.

“All we can do is move forward. I found a therapist and I'm going to see her tomorrow along with my divorce lawyer.”

“Oh, I should mention that Kelsey told me she knew from the second the two of you met and how we interacted that something was going on. She's actually taking this surprisingly well. We definitely could have gone about it a different way, but the only thing I regret is not protecting you how I should have. I'll probably never forgive myself for that.”

“Well I forgive you and we've moved on from that.”

“And another thing we need to establish….” Jack started to say and you looked at him to continue.

“Yes?”

“No more running from me. We figure it out together or not at all. No exceptions. I never want to have to worry about you like that again. I was damn near ready to call the police, but Janelle insisted that I didn't.”

“I… agree with that. And I’m sorry for leaving and not letting you know I was safe.”

“I thought I lost you for good that night not knowing if you were going to come back or not.” Jack quietly confessed as he slid you onto his lap.

“You should realize that I'm always going to come back to you. My track record is pretty good in that regard.”

“It is.”

As Jack was still drawing small circles on your belly, you simply placed your hand on top of his before looking up at him.

“I think it's a boy.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Just a feeling that I have, that's all.” You replied while shrugging.

“Well whether it's a boy or a girl, they were made out of love and I know that we're going to amazing parents.”

“And they're going to be so loved by everyone around them. However, I'm surprised you haven't asked me yet.” You said as you started to play with Jack’s beard.

“Asked you, what babe?”

“When I’m coming back to Louisville.”

“I'm ready when you are.”

#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow angst #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow concept #jack harlow fanfiction

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nebulousfishgills · 11 months

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ship asks (gonna go stranger things w this one): steddie, elmax, and byler

I answered already for Steddie (a soft ship it), but as for these others...

Elmax

Ship it

1) What made you ship it?

I love the idea of Max being one of the first people to expand Eleven's horizons and treat her normally/see beyond the fact that she has superpowers. The Material Girl Mall Scene is one of my favorite scenes in the entire show since it's just a good, fun time. Eleven's first taste of real freedom and fun. They also just compliment each other well since El's more softspoken whereas Max is more boistrous.

To be clear, I also hardcore ship Lumax, but Elmax just has something about it that makes me very happy.

2) What are your favorite things about the ship?

Again, the complimentary personalities and girls backing up girls. Also just... this. I don't know if this is just a normal thing, but I wouldn't get this cozy with my closest friends that I've known for fifteen plus years, let alone a few days.

3) What's an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Honestly I try to stay clear of ST shipping discussions so I don't know what's really a "popular" vs an "unpopular" opinion. Idk I'll just say that I think it's really close to or on the same level as Lumax (but again I loooove Lumax)

---

Byler (oh boy lol)

Ship It

(But I don't lose my mind over it)

1) What made you ship it?

I mean, in my opinion it's very obvious that there's tension there. Will absolutely has a crush on Mike but can't say it, and Mike, bless his heart, is too fucking oblivious to realize that or that his own feelings for Will seem to go far beyond that of his other friends. Also just like... I love Will and the poor kid deserves to have something he really wants, even if he's not really sure how to cope with it.

2) What are your favorite things about the ship?

The best friends dynamic is cute, it's an idea that makes Will happy, and I love how every time, without fail, my roommate and I see any blue-and-yellow object(s), we call it "The Byler [Object(s)]. So my bike is the Byler Bike since it's blue and yellow and we always tried to get a blue bowl and a yellow bowl at the dining hall (one had the blue, one had the yellow) so we could have Byler Bowls. Byler brings people together.

3) Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

I think I'll get sniped for like... any semi critical Byler opinion bc half-offense (as opposed to full or no offense) some of y'all are fucking crazy, so I'll just say one since I probably have a couple. Mike Wheeler doesn't deserve Will Byers because he gets too swept up in Eleven to understand that his friend is going through shit, which isn't condusive for a healthy relationship.

I have a lot of opinions on Mike and his relationships with Will and Eleven in general and I want to make it clear that I don't hate Mike, or anything close. I think Mike's just not quite emotionally mature enough to handle relationships yet, especially ones with so many complexities as Will and Eleven. I have/had the same problem, so I'm not chastizing him, I'm saying I'm the same way and I see the signs.

Mike's too tunnel-visioned on Eleven to give proper attention to Will, and this can coexist with the fact that Mike's just not the right one for El since I think he's tunnel-visioned on her abnormalities of her rather than the normalcies that should be celebrated, which is where Mileven and Elmax differ for me. In my opinion, Eleven wants as close to a normal life as she can get after all the shit she's gone through, and I don't think Mike really seems to understand that.

I don't wanna do a whole analysis post because one, this is just an ask game; two, many people with more knowledge on the subject have done this before me; and three, this is not my circus, not my monkeys, Stranger Things ships aren't my expertise, the Creels and HNL are.

But tl;dr, neither Byler nor Mileven are currently viable because Mike needs more time to mature and develop before he himself can understand what he wants. The kid's a freshman in high school dealing with supernatural world ending threats every few months, I wouldn't be able to function normally either.

#that was a long answer to a very short question I'm very sorry #fishgills speaks #ask games #ship ask games #stranger things ships #shipping asks #my inbox is open

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lifejourn89 · 5 months

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Journal Entry 1

Not sure what I want to say here... I haven't journaled regularly in an extremely long time so I decided to utilize tumblr as a new space to renew that habit. It's perfect for it and I don't have to be intimidated by pen and paper (which are daunting tools to use for two reasons: Shame and guilt for not screenwriting/journaling more up to this point, and avoiding a pattern of failure with reading. I know journaling isn't reading but the fact that it involves paper has created some weird psychological link between the two activities). Anyway, the last time I posted was a couple of years ago. I had just experienced my first manic episode and lost a wonderful love, and some close friends along the way. I'm fortunate that I still have some people in my life from that period who understand that behavior caused by bipolar mania isn't an indicator of character, but rather a symptom of illness that can be remedied with proper treatment. So what does my life look like now? I was rehired by Tesla as a solar installer, and have been working full-time for them for almost two years at this point. I started dating someone a little over three months ago... that's been interesting due to the fact that its an open relationship, (not my preference). Pretty sure I'm not gonna stay with her forever because of that, but its ok for now, and we're compatible in almost every other way. My main goals in life right now are as follows:

1) Find a healthy, monogamous relationship with potential for marriage.

2) Find a used car that I can afford by March 2024. Mine is on its last leg.

3) Move into my own apartment (I'm 34 and have never been able to afford to live alone until now. I need it so badly, especially being an introvert.)

4) Study for and pass the NABCEP PVDS Exam, thereby earning the NABCEP PVDS Certification

5) Get a job designing residential PV systems

6) Begin freelance videography business in my free time as a side hustle.

I only list these goals as a reminder to myself, and also for context for what I'm about to get into. I've not been pursuing any of them besides the car. Mainly because I don't want to waste my time and energy pursuing other goals because my current living situation isn't conducive to successfully doing that. Believe me, I've tried, and failed, many times, and am sick of the wasted effort. It won't be until I have my own space that I'll feel free enough and focused enough to pursue these things with confidence. I do have a plan and the car is the first priority since I have to be able to reliably and comfortably get to work/around town. Next will be the new apartment. I've got money for the down payment on the car... just have to get my credit up by about 100 points to get a good loan rate. So I am making progress. But it's so slow going. I'm content to be in this less-than-ideal life space right now because it's the best I can realistically do. So there you have it - the State of the Adam, 2023.

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ratrap · 1 year

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Listen, this is NOT your fault and you mustn't be ashamed to seek help, any shame you feel from having gotten in this situation and having to reach out is nothing compared to the shit he's putting you through. I know it's difficult, I know you might feel like because you entered into the relationship it's your responsibility to bear alone but it isn't, he clearly doesn't give a shit about your wellbeing and took advantage of someone who was struggling. I'm not the person who sent the ask about housing, I'll see if I can find anything myself that might be useful though, but it's actually very normal for people in abusive situations to develop unhealthy habits so you could explain the weight thing like that and not have to go into it further. 'He violates me in my sleep' is enough, 'he makes me do things I don't want to' is enough, 'he controls everything about my life' is enough, all of it is enough to show it's not your fault. I know getting in touch with your aunt must be terrifying but if she's the only lifeline left she's worth reaching out to if only to get you away from him for the time being. And keep talking to your therapist of course, now the truth's out she might be able to offer more advice on where to go from here. I'm not into 'that' at all, I think the whole thing's disturbing as fuck and crawling with freaks like him, but I almost wish I was just so if I ran into any shit he'd posted with you I could get the authorities down on his ass for non-consensual content. Don't apologize for his issues, you and your cat deserve to be free.

Also btw when I say how disgusting all this is I only mean the 'community', people like him who exploit others' negative self-image because they want to force someone to eat themselves to death. There's nothing shameful or disgusting about being fat or finding a fat person attractive in the normal way but people like that just hype up the idea no one could possibly want you except them so they can trap people in situations like yours. They're wrong and that's the shit that makes me sick, manipulating fat positivity and others' insecurities around weight to get their messed up kicks while they get to stay slim and feel like they have power over the person they're destroying. Just wanted to clarify as like I say, none of this is your fault and even if after getting away from him and radically changing your life you still stayed a naturally big person that's not a moral failing and you'll always deserve to be loved for yourself not as an object, however far away that might feel right now.

When i got into this relationship i was under the impression cause he told me he wasnt wanting to do this to me i thought he just had a thing for bigger guys than him. I thought he would just want to like touch it and i could deal with that cause i was really lonely lol and i thought he did care about me properly, but he was obviously lying to me and manipulating me. He still is. And he does like having that power over me I know that he does and he constantly infantalises me. Ive always been fat so I dont even know what it's like to be slim like him. I dont feel like being fat is a shameful thing apart from when it comes to me. I would love to be a healthy weight at some point but it is something I really have a difficult time doing no matter what help I get. And it's really hard to look at myself with the same compassion I have for other people. I understand the struggle with it for people like me or who are big but not as big as me, but I just have a hard time with myself as it is, my weight has been the bane of my existence forever and i have immense negative feelings about it. and it's not getting any easier to stop hating myself in an environment like this. it's always been an unhealthy habit or like coping mechanism for me and has been forever so it makes it really hard, and really easy for him to fuck w me. And I dont know where hes even putting the pictures and videos of me which is giving me more anxiety too I hope that people arent giving him money for them. I'm going to therapy in a few days hopefully, and I want to get new clothes to go so I dont have to go out looking like that and having people stare at me I dont know how I could do that. Thanks for messaging me all this. I hope your day is going good. I have been trying to think of what I could say in even just a text to my aunt or something but I am scared about it cause we havent really been on the same page ever, but especially not in the past like five years. Im not gonna tell her the specifics of it but I'll try to tell her like you said and just it's a really bad situation for me and I just need some help and somewhere else to stay for a bit. Im just stressed and dont know where to start. Im scared in case he finds out i want to leave before i get to. And things are getting harder for me to do. Hopefully my therapist will have some type of helpful advice when we talk more. and my aunt she'll probably be mad about my cat too but hes my cat and im not leaving him here

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pompadourpink · 2 years

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Hi! I turned 18 a few months ago. Before my 18th birthday I was a “kid”. They treated me like a one. As soon as I turned 18, I became an “adult”. All of a sudden I was treated like a one. Yesterday no one would listen to me, today they want me to give voice to my words. For them, sometimes I'm a kid, sometimes I'm an adult. For them, sometimes I'm wet behind the ears, sometimes I have to deal with things all by myself. I'm so confused. They have never let me be an adult before. They never prepared me for adulthood. What am I supposed to do? Is what I am saying important or it isn't important because I don't know anything about life yet?

Hello,

Good news: you are absolutely not alone.

Many people here fail their first year of university (myself included) because they go from having to ask permission to go to the bathroom to living by themselves, getting to choose when they wake up and go to bed, being expected to pay rent, bills, deal with roommates, in full charge of their chores, food, laundry, having to save, buy couches, get into relationships, find friends, etc. in two months and all that freedom is so overwhelming that they overheat and have a breakdown. Imposter syndrome is a common consequence of this type of education and I remember feeling like a crook when I got my first jobs after somehow nailing interviews, laughing hysterically after buying my first car, or being dumbfounded when my dad asked me if I thought he should retire or continue working, a few years ago.

Because I didn't feel worthy of any of it.

Everything you feel and think is important - whether people take it seriously or not is another problem. Sometimes you will genuinely not be able to provide a mature answer because there are things you haven't experienced yet, some other times it will just be a case of you being considered too young to use your brain by boomers. And if you are a minority, you'll pay the price too.

Here's some advice:

Don't be afraid to communicate when you're upset, but don't burn bridges. Stay calm even when people don't deserve it. Anger, envy, frustration, bitterness, will not serve you, they'll make you constantly miserable, can ruin your reputation (which cannot be undone) and might have long-term consequences. If someone is attacking you, depending on the situation, ask them very softly what the problem is and how you two can fix it together, or ignore them and walk away if it's a possibility. Bullies get bored when victims don't engage.

Learn how to cook. 100% the most useful skill you can learn.

Read the posts I linked below and spend some time on Youtube, Wikihow, Reddit, etc. to learn about 1/ finances, 2/ nutrition/health, 3/ anything domestic you might need (sewing, grooming, cleaning, meal prepping, etc).

Living with roommates for at least a year or two, while annoying, is a very teaching experience that I would recommend. You need to personally witness how other people live, and treat their interior, bodies, finances, etc.

Start working out regularly so you can die old and healthy.

If someone you know personally makes you feel disrespected, set boundaries immediately. They can't get away with it. Discuss it right away, explain why you think it's unfair, and ask for an apology. If you can't get one or are getting ridiculed, it's evidence that this person is around you for the wrong reasons. When people tell or show you who they really are, believe them the first time.

Other posts:

Adulting: stuff you need to buy, I don't know what to do with my life, advice for teenagers, starting over alone, Murphy's law: be proactive or burn, things to start doing when you turn 18, money education 101, invest in yourself, feed yourself well, stop procrastinating, put yourself first, it doesn't only happen to others, grooming 101, pick your battles, the truth about discipline, advice for young women, one day,

Self-dev: becoming an eloquent speaker, making yourself happy, you do you, about priorities, you're better than you think, labels aren't a good idea, overcoming obstacles and fear, confidence over appearance, advice to my 15-year-old self, getting your sense of self back, battling insecurity, dealing with hatred, the importance of gratitude, battling frustration, battling bitterness/entitlement,

Health: battling depression, wanting kids when sick/disabled, why you shouldn't give up, don't be your own bully, coping mechanisms, help I'm overwhelmed, living with mental illness, dealing with anger, dealing with a horrible job, social media isn't real,

Business: moving abroad, career picking, work/life balance, creating a study schedule, you're not their parent, your boss isn't your friend, happiness vs capitalism, careers are messy, language studying, facing injustice, you are not a robot, fear of public speaking, reaching your goals, about teaching, being your own boss,

Relationships: you're not his maid, finding a good partner, making friends, healthy relationships, surviving a breakup, dealing with family, codependency, green and red flags in relationships, healthy boundaries, about age gaps, craving for love, my partner or my dreams?, making friends online, you do look amazing, beauty is meaningless, no need to rush, relationships are everything, surviving being ghosted, dating 101,

More: art isn't meant to be useful, becoming a runner, how to adult 101 (phone calls, job searching, prepping for interviews, to-do lists, etc.), adopting a senior cat.

Love,

Mum

#ask #malks

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thunderheadfred · 3 years

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❄️Todoroki HC's🔥

Aged-up pro hero Shouto. NSFW under the cut. Minors do not interact.

- - -

General

Might as well be tied with Bakugou for the #1 pro hero spot; they seem to pass the crown back and forth every other year. Everyone knows about their intense frenemies uber-rivalry. Well. Everyone but Shouto.

He's asked to speak at a lot of charity events. If he has time to prepare (and hire a speech writer) he is capable of stirring crowds to standing ovations. But if caught unawares... he gets cornered into hilarious on-the-spot interviews. He's been memed. Mercilessly.

He's an OP character, but unfortunately he rolled -500 in fashion sense. Eventually he wises up and hires a stylist. When he finally cuts his hair a slightly different and even more flattering way, it's a national event. People faint in the street.

Does god-awful sleight-of-hand magic tricks when he meets young fans, even though nobody asked him to. The second-hand embarrassment is palpable. But he keeps doing it. God, why does he keep doing it?

Has hovering arm syndrome in every fan photo.

Super into pop music. Not a fan of any particular group or artist, couldn't tell you the name of a single song. But every time he turns up the volume on the radio it's like... really? THIS? Probably pumps that shit through his hero agency to keep up morale. Has no idea what you mean when you tell him his music taste doesn't match his personality.

Similarly, he enjoys brainless romantic comedies and old silent movies. Doesn't laugh at jokes but loses it over physical comedy. Thinks Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd are the funniest people who ever walked the earth.

He's long and limber. Runs practically a hundred miles every day just to "relax." Doesn't even get sweaty doing it. A filthy yoga addict. He'll probably live to be 200 years old.

He can regulate his body temperature for quirk use but in everyday life he's always half a degree outside the Goldilocks zone. It drives him quietly insane; he has an epic love-hate relationship with his thermostat.

Has a therapy animal pet. Doesn't matter if it's a dog or a cat or a bird or an iguana or a teeny tiny rodent. It's the best-behaved animal in the country and speaks more languages than you. It has its own room and an instagram account with millions of followers.

Lives in a traditional Japanese estate that doubles as a national treasure. Probably has government-appointed snipers at the gate, and he's just like, "don't worry about it." You are afraid to touch anything. Fuck, don't even look at anything, just to be safe.

Has an outstanding personal chef who only gets to cook five things unless (thank fuck!!) company comes over. Impossibly picky eater. He rotates between a few "safe" foods and suspiciously side-eyes everything else. If you cook something unfamiliar for him it will be the most awkward meal of your life, because he'd never tell you he doesn't like it. But oh lord, just look at his face.

This clashes directly with his love of traveling. Frequently uses his hero earnings to visit exotic foreign locales over long weekends... but rarely tries the food.

- - -

Dating

A grey-ace demisexual disaster. You could count the number of people he's been attracted to on one hand. He falls madly in love every time and always gets his heart smashed to pieces when his crush can't magically intuit the meaning of his frigid longing glances and generically courteous romantic gestures.

Which is stupid, because he gets propositioned constantly. He can't walk out the door without being flirted with. People keep slipping him their phone numbers and he always directs them to his agency like a moron. It's a good thing he will never understand how attractive he is because that's the only thing keeping him from total world domination.

Conventional attractiveness does not compute. Shouto doesn't have a type, doesn't care that he's an eleven whilst you are merely mortal. He will fall for your personality above all else.

Probably falls head over heels because your schedules overlap in a completely ordinary way and he witnesses you doing something endearing or brave or most likely: utterly mundane.

Pick a favorite, because you're his favorite coworker, or his favorite barista, or his favorite random bystander in line at the grocery store. You made him smile once; then he spent the next three months daydreaming about your future together before you accidentally stomped on his foot, initiating your first real conversation.

He's big on healthy communication. HUGE. He goes to therapy and it shows. Will talk through literally everything to the point of delirium. Sometimes his dedication to resolving every issue right away can get overwhelming; sometimes you just need some frickin time alone. But it pays off, because the two of you have practically never have a "real fight." There's just no way for bad vibes to fester.

STILL, his family wasn't exactly... erm... verbally or emotionally supportive, shall we say. For that reason, he might not give you all the compliments you deserve, because it simply doesn't occur to him to do so. He assumes you know how he feels. If you're self-conscious or insecure in the relationship, it might take him a while to notice. But when he figures it out (or even better, when you tell him directly) he will make it up to you with enthusiasm.

Will take you on lavish dates. Spoils you rotten without actually intending to. He's clueless about money. If you wanted a sugar daddy, you just hit the fucking jackpot. But if the word valet makes you uncomfortable, perhaps suggest some romantic picnics instead. He can still go all out with the food and five-star location without making you see cartoon dollar signs.

Chronic Insomniac. Stays up too late watching YouTube every night. His viewing history is an incomprehensible blur of k-pop music videos, serial killer icebergs, and super girly crafty ASMR channels. When he's watching a video, he is unreachable. Please call back later and try again.

He's disgustingly cute when he sleeps. Doesn't snore, but drools. Sometimes the drool freezes and leaves frost trails on his face in the morning. Still sleeps with the giant stuffed cat pillow that his mother gave him when he was like, zero. He'll inadvertently suffocate you with it, and you will welcome death with open arms because awwwwww!!!!!

The first time he tells you he loves you will be after your traditional Japanese shinto wedding. You won't hear it again until you start a family. Honestly, it's a good thing he doesn't say it often and is always holding you when it happens. It's a knee-buckler.

- - -

Icy-Hot

I don't even need to say it. Shouto is as old-fashioned as they come. You will never open another door or pull out another chair for yourself as long as you live. He will ask before he holds your hand. He will ask before he kisses you. He will stop and check in if you so much as breathe funny during sex.

If you don't orgasm at exactly the same time while staring into one another's eyes, he'll consider himself a failed lover. God forbid you want him to pound you into the futon... cause you are going to have to present that scenario to him in writing first.

Physical intimacy rarely leads to sex. He loves cuddling, craves physical affection. He'll sprawl all over you and turn into goo while you hold him close. He's an amazing, astounding, phenomenally good kisser. And that's... nice and all... but sometimes you have to grab his face and say, "Shouto, I'm horny," before he's like so that's why you're currently dry-humping me?

Even if he isn't technically a virgin the first time (or the millionth time) you sleep together, you won't know the difference. He's a blushing violet. Every. Fucking. Time. This doesn't mean he's a bad lay, oh no. But there's always ten minutes of confused bumbling before he hits his stride and remembers oh yeah, I DO know how to fuck good.

Absolutely silent during sex. Focused. Intense. Sometimes you have to push him a little to make any kind of noise at all, just so you know you're pleasing him (oh don't worry, you are).

His cock is Just Right. Not to big or too small. Perfectly proportioned and symmetrical. Somehow pretty. Like a fucking factory prototype. It truly is not fair.

Gets handsy and restless at night, even if you both have work the next day. Seems to crave sex at three in the morning. You've given him more than one exhausted handjob.

Gets offended if you don't cum. Will go down on you for hours. Of course he uses his quirk to tease you. He doesn't typically use it during actual intercourse, but he's all about foreplay, and he'll use every tool in his arsenal.

His sex drive is completely fucking unpredictable. Sometimes he's all over you, other times he's an icy slab. His line of work leaves him busy and stressed on a near-constant basis, so you can't entirely blame his personality for this one. Just give him some time and help him take care of his basic needs. He'll come back around soon enough.

#todoroki shouto #todoroki x you #todoroki x reader #todoroki x y/n #gender neutral reader #todoroki headcanons #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #smut #fred writes #bnha #mha

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saintobio · 3 years

Note

Sincerely Not has filled my head w Thoughts and Observations™️ and I thought that I'd just share them!

Gojo making amends for Y/N is not motivated by love (at least not the same as the puppy love they once had), rather he's likely driven by guilt towards mistreating someone he once deeply cared for. Him saying, "I need you!" was him realizing that he didn't want his sole emotional confidante to slip away now that he had Y/N's support back in his life, which is both unhealthy/selfish (which leads to his possessiveness); I wouldn't say that he isn't being sincere in his efforts, I just don't think he's realized how askew his agenda is? I understand that he wants to do right by Y/N this time around—but as it stands—I think Gojo just sees Y/N as more of an outlet than anything, but Y/N can only stay strong for Gojo for so long, especially with the way he's treated her. He's thinking more of what she can provide him than what he can do for her. Even if GojoY/N choose to reconcile, I don't think he'll be developing true feelings for her until the near future— he still has to sort out this unresolved tension with Sera, whom I believe that he genuinely loves despite having started their relationship to spite his father.

The way I see it, SN will have to end in a divorce regardless of whether it's a good or bad ending; It's just the healthy choice for both parties. It'll be a way for GojoY/N to start anew and receive closure, together or not. (I just feel like it'd make sense? Since SN2 happens after a timeskip, time WILL help the two heal). Even with Gojo making amends, the current marriage has already been tainted, and I'm sure Y/N is aware that moving forward as things stand will just fail and hurt them in the process. Just peep how much Y/N is doubting the genuity that he tried showing towards her in Chs.10+11.

It was the right move not telling Nana about Gojo's infidelity, and I respect Y/N all the more for it. While the thought of ruining Gojo in the eyes of one of the few people left who have hope in him sounds gratifying, I don't think I could handle breaking Nana's heart as she's been through enough just witnessing what's happened with Gojo and his parents in the past. It would be better to resolve things first before coming clean.

There is no way Gojo's dad isn't aware of his son having an affair, considering he's already gone through the motions of it himself (I'm sure he would've picked up on the signs by now), and just on top of the fact that he's paid Sera off with a handsome sum. Something's still fishy with that financial exchange though.

There is also no way that Gojo isn't blind to the fact that he IS turning into his father, as much as he is in denial of it. The idea alone of him coming to terms with this gives me hope that he'll do what he can to turn things around.

(As much as I've grown to hate her,) There is still good in Sera, she's just blinded by her affair with Gojo that it's making her behave as twisted as she's been compared to when she met Gojo. You know when you love someone so much you start to change for the worst because of them? Yeah, but it doesn't excuse her power tripping Y/N. The way it was set up, Sera and Gojo have been toxic for each other from the beginning, and if they continue down this relationship, I fear it'll only get worse for them (like... I don't think Sera will be as happy as she thought she'd be having Gojo all to herself). I feel like once she sorts out her victim complex, she'll begin to act more appropriately and even make amends with Y/N. Honestly, I hope that Y/N and Sera receive closure from each other too. Gojo owes that much to them since he's the reason they're both hurting.

This may just be wishful thinking, but something in my gut is telling me that Sera's supposed pregnancy is a red herring, at least not with Gojo if she turns out to be. No clue why but it just feels like a big brain play you might carry out. Also, babytrapping is literally the lowest thing you can do, Sera.

Also, Naoya? DEFINITELY noticed our bare ring finger during our time at the Zenin estate. He's totally scheming. (Typed this all out before Ch.11 and omg I'm so psyched)

Lastly, as much as I love indulging in the idea of TojiY/N, I think their relationship would be better off as it is right now. It's cute. It works. Who says their bond has to be romantic? They're the type of couple that would give it a shot for the sake of seeing where it leads them, but realizes that—as much as their dynamics work in harmony—it probably isn't working out since they don't see each other in that light like they initially thought they would, so they settle for being friends. While they may be lovers in another life, they are content with being platonic soulmates in this one. I like to think that they both serve as this beacon of hope to the other, which is a heartwarming thought.

#MakeY/NAHouseholdNameInFashion2k21 #Y/NTooSexyToDie Y'know at this rate Y/N's gonna end up hospitalized, esp with the way Ch.11 ended (Icb we have to wait another week you TEASE) Also lol Gojo throwing a tantrum over us gifting something to Toji 🤨 If I were in Y/N's place I'd just be like... ok and? Loving the throwback to those Diana shoes. I just really want Gen to rip him a new one already 😭

these are rly good analyses!! 👀 i’m sure a lot of the other readers can agree as well (based on the replies on the chapter) but thank you for sharing your thoughts abt the recent chapter <33

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not

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alirhi · 3 years

Text

10 Sebastian roles as boyfriends

Because... I'm bored and I feel like it. 😂 Probably some spoilers for, like... everything? So yeah... That.

Putting it under here for easy scrolling:

10: Chase Collins

Who doesn't love a goofball? In the first half of the movie, Chase is basically perfect. He's sweet, funny, not all caught up in his ego, and actually pays attention to what the girls around him are saying, not just to what he wants to hear. If not for the whole... it was all an act to get close to Caleb and try to steal his magic thing, Chase would actually be a damn good high school boyfriend. He's adorable and would be a fun date, but he's also only 18 so best not to start making long-term plans lol. Also, y'know... the whole psycho revenge/power grab thing.

9 Jack Benjamin

Y'all. Y'all. Words cannot describe how much I love Jack. Pretty sure I've made this clear. As a person/character in general, he's absolutely in my Top 3 - not just of Sebastian's characters, but any character ever. ❤ But as a boyfriend? Boy's got baggage. It's what makes me so protective of him, but seeing as how he's trapped in the closet thanks to his overbearing homophobic family and the insane expectations heaped on him, as the show left him, he can't handle an honest relationship. He's too easily influenced by all the wrong people, poor babe.

8 Chris (Destroyer)

On paper, undercover cop sounds cool and exciting, but even if you ignore the fact that he, y'know, dies... Chris got in too deep and kinda lost the mission, so to speak. Best case scenario, you're his sexy partner and in on it all with him and end up on the lam for the rest of your lives. Worst case, this man lies for a living, so can you even trust him? And... yeah. The whole dead thing. Chris is hot af but getting involved with him is a recipe for disaster.

7 Ben

Min and Hathor have mercy, I love Ben! He's smart, he's snarky, he's caring and loyal... he's an absolute disaster. He's another one who seems allergic to honesty, until his lying and avoiding nearly kill his girlfriend. Not exactly relationship goals lol. Everything before totally was, though! Ben's adorable, and I love how he stayed up all night to protect his girlfriend (from a ghost/demon thing... with a baseball bat. I said he was smart, not perfect, okay? XD points for effort lol)

6 Mickey Henry

I. LOVE. MICKEY. Oml I love Mickey. He's a spazz and - even more so than Ben - an absolute disaster of a human being, but I love him. Pros for dating Mickey Henry: he's fun, he's carefree, he'll cook for you even though he's kinda bad at it lol, he loves his son and wants to be a good dad, he wants his partner to be happy and to love life as much as he does. Cons, and the reason he's not higher on the list: He's a pushover; easily influenced by the toxic people in his life, and it gets him into a lot of trouble. Being easily influenced by toxic dumpster fire of a human being Chloe almost lost him the partial custody of his son that he barely even had. He's an absolute sweetheart, but he's a complete man-child, and dating him would often feel more like raising him.

5 Frank "Suffer Buddy"

Come on! You know he and Mickey had to be back-to-back - they're practically the same character! 😂 Frank is Mickey... slightly more grown up. He's still a disaster, but he's respectful of boundaries, he's caring, he's funny in a dry, witty way that I just adore, and hoo lordy that man is a giver! 🥴🥵 Honestly, if he didn't smoke and didn't ditch Daphne in the middle of a party hours away from everything familiar to her surrounded by strangers to go do drugs, I'd call Frank perfect. He listened, he respected her wishes, he tried to keep some distance between them when he found out she'd gone on a date with his best friend (it failed utterly and brought us to the "damn that man's good with his mouth" portion of the movie lmao but still)... I don't have a whole lot of experience with men who actually give a shit, okay? So Frank is like a goddamn unicorn to me lmao. But that drug thing... That keeps him at the bottom of the Top 5 for me. Sorry, bb

4 Bucky

I can already hear everyone on here raging at me for placing Bucky so low on this list, but hear me out: I love this man. I love all four iterations of this man. Flirty 40s Bucky was a doll (fun date, not commitment material). Post-POW camp 40s Bucky had a fire to him that set me on fire. The Winter Soldier can choke me any damn day. Unf. And TFATWS Bucky... Oh, lady above, 2023 Bucky is a gem! He's sweet, snarky, and broken. He feels utterly, wretchedly alone in the world, and everyone around him, including his only friend, is telling him to "man up" and "make amends" for shit that was never his fault to begin with, rather than helping him come to terms with all that he's suffered and all that he's survived. Bucky needs and deserves love. A relationship with him would be so solid, if he found the right person... But it would take a fuck ton of work. He needs someone strong, patient, and more stubborn than he is to prod him until he finds a better therapist and actually opens up, and to keep him on track because even good therapy comes with homework. He does have to "do the work," Sam was right about that much, but he was way off base with what that "work" is. Bucky needs help and understanding, and he would be an amazing boyfriend... if he found someone with the strength to help him weather his nightmares and flashbacks, and help pull him out of this PTSD pit he's been in since 1943.

3 Chris Beck

Big brains turn me on, okay? 😂This man is an astronaut and a surgeon! Yes, please! Come here, you sexy genius! He's smart, he's funny - pretty sure Sebastian is incapable of playing anyone who's not delightfully snarky lol. He's pragmatic when he needs to be but there's also nothing he wouldn't do or risk for the ones he loves. This man is husband material and I cannot be convinced otherwise! So why isn't he #1? Cuz of the whole... spending years in space, thing. Super cool job and I'd be his biggest fan on the ground, but god damn, I would miss him while he's away!

2 TJ Hammond

Look, I'm gender fluid and he's a little bit bi 😂😂😂 Let me have my fantasy, okay? TJ's definitely got a lot of shit to work through, but love brings out the best in him. Before that fucking closeted shitbag broke his heart and stomped on it for good measure, TJ was clean and sober for months, he was happy, he was playing piano again, he was pulling himself together. Not only would he be an amazing boyfriend, but his partner would get the extra joy of getting to watch their love and devotion to him be the thing that saves this beautiful man's life. It's not healthy overall to tie your self worth and will to live to a relationship, but if he found the right person who would be there for him through all of life's shit and stick it out, I think he'd be okay. Even after his lowest point and without the support of his family, TJ still had a dream and he still chased it. He's not just the sweetest person to ever grace our screens, but he's ambitious and business-savvy, too. Keep him off drugs and watch this man take over the world, I'm telling you!

So why is TJ only #2? Well, besides the fact that he's like 99% gay and I have no bits he'd be interested in lmao, there's also the fact that this guy owns my heart:

1 Will Franklyn

And not just because we get to see him wet and mostly naked lol. Will is fucking perfect. I would die for this man... because he's already shown that he would die for his love. He almost fucking did, and they weren't even together yet! He's smart and very aware, he's a writer so we'd get to bond/geek out over books together, he's not all full of himself (self-deprecating humor ftw!) and he's willing to help a total stranger despite actual mortal peril, just because it's the right thing to do. Fierce, intelligent, sassy, strong-willed, and a flawless moral compass? YESYESYESYESYES! Forget boyfriend - let me MARRY this man! 😍🥰

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a-froger-epic · 3 years

Note

You said Freddie "was in love with an idea of Mary". I don't understand this and some other people's opinion on this. They were in a relationship. They broke up, because Freddie was gay and couldn't have romantic relationship with her. They stayed friends, which isn't unsual (see Joe). He couldn't love her as a friend? Only "the idea of her"? She didn't deserve to be loved? Why is it wrong to ask Phoebe about her? Why the fandom tries to forget she ever existed? She's known Freddie for 22 years.

Alright, I will elaborate then since I think you've misunderstood what I said there, and that is fair enough because I didn't explain.

I'm really not keen on getting into any discussions about Mary, to be honest, which is why I said none of this is a hill I'd like to die on. I'm not interested in defending how Mary acted after his death, there's a lot of valid criticism and it's true that their relationship is and was often misrepresented in a way that is disrespectful to Jim and the very fact that Freddie was a self-identified gay man. So I understand the frustration with that. But anyway, here are my thoughts on Mary and Freddie and their actual relationship with each other.

Let's start at the beginning. Although none of us can really know what their relationship was like, I personally think it's clear that they clicked very well in the beginning, on some level.

Let me just pre-empt this again by saying that pretty much all of this is speculation and my personal opinion, I'm not trying to tell anyone they're wrong. This is just my take. Don't come for me. Let me have my opinion, please and thank you.

I think they fit well in the way that, knowing Mary's background (deaf parents, started working full-time at 15), she was very used to being in a caretaker role and Freddie liked, in many ways, to be taken care of. I think she was also somebody who was not very outspoken with her emotions, not very emotional overall, and I think that actually perhaps suited Freddie quite well. Because I think that her keeping her feelings close to her chest gave him the excuse to do the exact same. Why do I think so?

Having read Rosemary's book, it's apparent that she is a very emotional person and what ended up happening, is that Freddie opened up to her in ways he never did with Mary. He never, until their break up, let on to Mary that he wanted to be with men. Freddie and Rosemary, by contrast, were only together for a year or so and he could not stop talking about it. Rosemary was open, so Freddie was open. I think Freddie was a bit of a chameleon when it came to relationships, which stemmed from his deep desire to be loved and accepted. He wanted to please, he wanted to be a good fit for his partners. I think that was sometimes detrimental for him because he would push himself to be somebody he wasn't. I think incidentally with Mary it sort of worked out quite well for quite a long time. I think that while they did have feelings for each other, there was also a lot of unspoken things, an emotional distance, and I think that made it easier for Freddie to be in the closet as long as he was. Again, having to grow up so fast, I think Mary was someone who learned to swallow things down and not address them and just function. In a way, Freddie had a very similar approach.

Now, let's talk about love and what I meant by him being in love with the idea of her. I believe that Freddie definitely believed and felt that he was in love with her for much of the time they were together, in part because I think he really, really wanted to be. Here was this girl who was in many ways perfect for him, the kind of girl his parents were thrilled about. Also, quite importantly, somebody who believed in him and did support him. I remember seeing one interview with her where she says her first impression was that he was this charismatic, long-haired musician and seemed so confident. Not at all like the person underneath, I think she goes on to say. But it did give me the impression that being as young as she was at the time, there was definitely a sort of wide-eyed admiration of his huge personality there from her side. And I think that stroked his ego a lot. I'm sure that later on in their relationship, she did become somewhat disenchanted with him and most likely even frustrated with him much of the time, but again, being someone who keeps themselves to themselves, I think she put on a brave face and funnily enough he did the exact same thing.

It think that towards the end of their relationship, they functioned as partners, rather than a romantic couple. I think Freddie clung on for a very long time - if not forever - to some ideal of what his life should/could/might have been if only he hadn't been gay (internalised homophobia galore), and that is also what I mean by being in love with the idea of Mary. The idea of the beautiful fantasy relationship with a woman he was never able to live up to, and I think a lot of guilt stemmed from that, for him. That he should have been able to give her that, but he couldn't. That he had failed her. That, therefore, he had to provide for her as long as he lived. Because if he hadn't been gay, he could have married her and everything would have been brilliant - which, you can't tell me, that his parents did not likely think exactly that. I will eat a hat if his mother did not once bemoan that he hadn't or wouldn't marry her. Again, I repeat, this is some deeply ingrained internalised homophobia I'm talking about, I'd be hesitant to say that Freddie was even aware of it.

Now, here's the thing. Freddie was someone who could not be alone, we know this, and he was someone who could not let go of people easily. He stayed friends, if he could, with many of his exes. And I think he was terrified of the thought of losing Mary - who he was used to, who he relied on, who he felt deeply guilty towards because he wasn't the man she deserved - when their relationship ended. Basically, he wanted the to have the cake and eat it, too. And he got that, in a way. He did get to keep her in his life, she agreed to that, and I don't think that was at all times particularly healthy for either of them.

I think Mary resented that Freddie was gay. Again, I don't even think it was a very conscious thing, but I think she absolutely believed that if only he hadn't been gay, they would have been perfect for each other. I don't think she ever stopped feeling like he was the one that got away. I think this led to her deeply resenting a lot of his circle and his lifestyle, resenting having to be involved in it, which I think is a large part of why she burned all bridges when he died. I think she felt free from an obligation that she herself had put on herself. I think the woman could have done with some therapy, tbh, I think they all could have. Anyway.

When I read what Phoebe said in that interview, what jumped out at me was that this was an important dinner with Freddie's parents. I think Freddie took solace in the idea that he could bring Mary out to dinner with them and it was almost as if it was real. That they had the son they wanted, in the way that he knew they didn't. I'm tearing up writing this right now because it's really heartbreaking to me.

But that is what I meant by the idea of her. I think, also, Freddie was generally very romantic. I think he was a bit in love with love, overall. And I think he held that fantasy somewhere in his mind forever, of what could have been, if only. And I think Mary did the same.

Of course it isn't romantic. It's terrible, it's sad, there's so many things wrong with it. But that's what I think their relationship with each other was. I think it always carried an echo of his perceived failure to have been the man she thought he could have been, he thought he could have been, if only he hadn't been gay.

Tl; dr - I'm not interested in erasing Mary from Freddie's life, any more than I'm interested in erasing anyone else who was important to him from his life. I do think he had a lot of love for her, and she for him. I don't think acknowledging that takes away from his love for his husband or makes him any less gay.

#Freddie Mercury #Mary Austin #ask response

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not-poignant · 3 years

Note

Sorry for being so obsessed with the ef-gwyn dynamics, but if it's not too spoilery, can you tell us what gwyn thinks of efnisien?

I've been sitting down thinking about how to answer this for a few days, and I suppose my actual main answer is 'it's complicated, but he doesn't care about Efnisien as much as most people hope he does.' So for the folks who want to read about how much Gwyn is increasingly coming to care for Efnisien, I would suggest you...don't read this.

I think Gwyn is starting to feel more sympathy for Efnisien, and not just pity, but that makes him very uncomfortable. He doesn't want to feel anything more than pity for Efnisien, and when he gets close to it, he tends to veer away from it. Efnisien having stomach issues, Efnisien having a miserable life, those are all things that he does generally think of as being 'Efnisien's fault.' I believe Gwyn thinks that Efnisien living a miserable life is karma in action. And I believe Gwyn thinks that visible signs of Efnisien suffering makes him more likely to 'behave.' (Which is a logical fallacy, but eh).

At the moment, learning more things about Efnisien's past mostly just makes Efnisien more useful to Gwyn. He does explicitly explain what he wants from Efnisien: to feel less alone re: his past, i.e. to comfort himself. It has nothing to do with Efnisien's comfort, and that's why so much of the conversation wasn't about Efnisien's comfort.

Gwyn isn't ready to consider that, at least on some levels, Efnisien was left in a much worse state psychologically than he was because of his upbringing. He isn't ready to consider that Efnisien's life will also be permanently damaged by severe abuse, because - as Efnisien himself points out - Efnisien abused him repeatedly, and Gwyn has Efnisien in the 'poor abuser' box, and not the 'actually also a victim' box. Also, Gwyn doesn't really have to change his mind on this. But him calling Efnisien or seeing him and forcing him through these paths for his own convenience is...perpetuating harm for self-convenience.

And Gwyn also doesn't really believe that Efnisien has any valid reasons to be afraid of him, which is honestly quite understandable given their childhood! But Gwyn fails to perceive the way their power dynamic has shifted (something Dr Gary can see from a mile off), despite the fact that he was the one who manipulated that shift himself. Dr Gary has pointed out that Gwyn kind of wants the convenience of blaming Efnisien for everything, while getting to be his saviour/prison guard. It's not that simple, Gwyn should blame Efnisien for a lot of things, and he has a lot of anger to work through, yet...at the moment, he works through his anger by hurting Efnisien in ways that leave his conscience feeling clean. And he doesn't realise he's taking some of his anger out on Efnisien by thinking things that harm Efnisien, and are convenient for Gwyn. Which isn't healthy.

I do think Gwyn's learning more about Efnisien and putting some things together about his history. I think he's maybe closer to feeling some sympathy towards Efnisien. But ultimately, Gwyn and Efnisien's relationship has always been thorny, and it's only become thornier.

There's a moment in the last chapter where Gwyn is clearly surprised that Efnisien thinks he's like Lludd, and Efnisien frantically back-tracks. But Gwyn did try to beat Efnisien to death, and he has physically lunged at Efnisien even in Falling Falling Stars. (It permanently altered Efnisien's ability to even say the word 'Augus' around him). He's physically imposing, and often stays standing while Efnisien sits, and he makes threats of physical violence. So why didn't Gwyn acknowledge that actually, he might have internalised some unhealthy habits from Lludd, and that this doesn't remotely invalidate his position as Efnisien's victim? And why doesn't he acknowledge his role as someone who is perpetuating some unhealthy habits, even if his reasons are sympathetic and completely understandable?

There are things Gwyn isn't ready to realise about himself, and there's things he's not ready to realise about Efnisien, and while he doesn't realise those things, he's a walking torture device for Efnisien. At the moment he's found a way to make his talks with Efnisien more helpful/useful to himself.

I think Gwyn also feels trapped. He wants to 'keep' Efnisien as family, but he doesn't feel as close to him as he used to, and he doesn't know why. I think he can sense that Efnisien doesn't love him like he used to, and I think there might be a part of him that doesn't like that and doesn't think Efnisien is allowed to change his feelings on this. I think he wants Efnisien to stay sycophantic towards him, because if Efnisien ever falls out of love with him, then how will Gwyn ever manipulate him into being 'safe' for others to be around? Additionally, I think Gwyn doesn't realise how angry he'll be if Efnisien stops caring for him as much, because he thinks Efnisien owes him at least that much for what he did.

Gwyn has a ton of blindspots re: Efnisien, and he hasn't dealt with almost any of them because I don't think he's honest with his therapist about a) how violent he can and has been and b) what he actually says to Efnisien. He paints a picture that the therapist tends to fall for, preventing Gwyn from actually unpacking some of this stuff properly.

Even in the canon, Gwyn has always kind of been sentimental towards the fact that Efnisien loved and adored him, and just...yeah. It's complicated.

But does he actually genuinely care for Efnisien's wellbeing? For its own sake? No, I don't really believe he does. I think he's closer than he was before, but the path he's taking there is not a healthy one. And Efnisien doesn't owe him ongoing contact, let alone love, which is what Dr Gary is trying to gently nudge him into realising.

#asks and answers #gwyn ap nudd #augus each uisge #fae tales #fae tales AU #falling falling stars #i have a lot of sore complicated feelings about all of this #i really do want them to get along #but gwyn is actually the one who needs to do a mountain of self-work on this subject #and he's just not doing it #so while he can *realise* some *truths* about efnisien's life #i don't know how much healthier that will make him to be around #i think gwyn is very threatened by a lot of things happening in his connection to efnisien #and i think sometimes he contacts him to reinforce old and unhealthy beliefs #that efnisien deserves to be suffering #that efnisien should love him because he owes him that #that gwyn is a good guy - even a martyr - for 'looking after' efnisien's psyche #he just holds onto so many things that aren't true #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue

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sweetestlamb · 3 years

Text

You Can’t Just Leave Me

Summary: The Han family is a force to be reckoned with.

Author’s Note: Writing this chapter made me smile, I hope reading it as the same affect on you all. Thank you to everyone who supports this story and leaves comments (or my silent readers). I appreciate you all and I am so thankful that you like this brainchild, I’ve just been winging it- never expecting to be on chapter 7 on something I initially planned on being a one shot. You all made it come this far, enjoy chapter 7!! Beautiful header by @ewolfwitchwisegirl text message created by Junjin fairy @prodmina

The apartment is eerily quiet following Su-ah's departure, he hadn't intentionally tried to eavesdrop but it was hard not to overhear their sniffles through the door. Then hours later the usually bubbly girl had exited the room with red rimmed eyes, he'd never seen her cry before in his many years of knowing her. He was awkward in the face of it, not used to comforting anyone besides Ju-Kyeong.

Their conversation was clipped and it was clear that Sujin hadn't opened up about what happened. The Su-ah he knew would be making plans to sabotage her father, if she knew the full story. She'd left with the final words, "Take care of her." He nodded without hesitation that was his intentions, he just needed to get her onboard with his plan to do that.

Taking a deep soothing breath he walks over to knock on the door.

"Sujin-ah, can we talk?" He asks, pressing his head against the door. Ready to plead if need be, she hadn't been answering him since being here. He never saw her come outside, but the food he brought would just disappear hours after he placed it. He waits patiently before reaching out his knuckles to knock again, but when the door suddenly opens he takes a quick step back surprised to see Sujin's face. It's clear she's been crying. He looks away, it's a bit unsettling to see her like this. Too raw.

"Let's talk in the living room." He suggests quietly, stepping back and walking towards the couch. Nerves easing minutely as he hears her soft footsteps behind him. He slides into one corner of the couch and watches as she sits on the opposite end. An awkward silence bellows around them as he stares at his hands and she stares at the ceiling. They have both never been the most talkative on a good day, but now it’s painful.

He clears his throat stilling when he feels her eyes on him, waiting. He had this speech planned in his head for days but now that the moment is actually here, he's terrified. Too nervous to say the words he wants to, does he even have the right to apologize to her now? Does she even want his late apology or will she brush him off? He wouldn't blame her one bit, it had taken him too long and he still hasn't even forgiven himself, how could he expect her to forgive him?

"Thank you."

He almost misses the quiet utterance because he's so lost in his own self deprecation. They are staring at each other now eyes locked, his own wide in bewilderment.

"What?" He responds caught off guard, he didn't expect Sujin to speak at all-much less for those to be her first words.

"You heard me. Thank you for letting me stay here and for not pressuring me to talk about it." Sujin awkwardly squirms in her seat, glancing away from him before darting back and she gives him the courage to finally saw what he wanted- no needed to.

"I'm sorry." It's his turn to watch the shock form on her face but he presses on before she can question him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, I knew what was happening but I didn't know how to help. I understand now that just being there would have been enough, you just needed a friend. I'm sorry I wasn't one."

A slight weight lifts off his shoulder and his heart, he's not free but he's one step closer. One step at a time.

"You didn't do anything wrong. We were just kids, what could you have done? It's okay, I never expected you to save me. How could you when you were dealing with your own pain?"

She's giving him an out, and logically she's right the pain of losing his mother crippled him for years. It was still weighing heavy on him to this day but he doesn't want an out, he wants to be accountable. He would rather her rage than her understanding.

"I know you didn't need a savior, but you needed a friend. Am I wrong? Were you okay dealing with everything on your own?" It's a low blow he's aware and the way her eyes narrow further confirm that his question isn't appreciated.

"Am I wrong?" He repeats and watches as the ice around her eyes melt away glacially, too many emotions flashing in her dark orbs- anger, sadness, disappointment, broken acceptance each emotion cutting at his heart.

Leaning forward he grabs at the folder on the table, he's already come this far might as well go all the way now.

"Here." He hands it to her, she raises an eyebrow taking the thick object. "Open it," he nods at the folder watching quietly as she breaks the seal and pulls out the documents, eyes scanning the papers before realization settles.

"Emancipation?" She whispers, now staring at him unblinking he can feel the heft of her undivided attention.

"Yes, we've been doing research and I think the best bet is for you to get emancipated." He winces at himself as she glares at the use of "we", he should have left that out with how distant they've been; she didn't even know that Seojun was the one providing the meals she seemed to love. She might stop eating them if she knew, she was so stubborn sometimes.

She leaf's through the pages, carefully looking over the document and he sits silently awaiting her reaction.

"He would never allow this. You know that." It's said with certainty as if she's accepted her fate long ago, probably thought of this very option herself and then talked herself out of it.

"I'm going to ask her father to help, he's been supporting your father all these years. If he knew the truth..." He trails off letting her finish the rest and she barks out a humorless laugh, it sounds more like a sob.

"You want to tell your father? They have known each other for years, why would he believe me?"

"He's my dad. He'll believe me. We have to at least try." He pleads now desperate for her agreement. It wasn’t the right thing to say, he knows that instantly.

Instantly she stands up, slamming the documents on the table the ice restoring around her eyes. "I was fine all those years you were wrong. I'm not doing this, I don't need your dad's help." She spits the word "dad" like it's poison on her tongue, storming off to the room and slamming the door shut.

He sighs, defeated leaning back onto the couch. He sends a text to his father and Seojun. He failed.

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Guilt eats at her following her outburst, she wasn't mad at Suho despite her harsh words. She can blame her anger on many things but she's self-aware enough to know that it's a defense mechanism; she was jealous. It was ugly and grotesque, but she cannot stop the way her blood boils when she sees others with parents that care.

He's my father, he'll believe me.

That would never be her reality, Suho and his father had been able to reconcile and restart their broken relationship. That would never be her truth, her relationship with her father would never resemble something healthy and despite her efforts to repress her true feelings, it hurts. The little girl who desperately wanted to make her dad happy and proud still hadn't died.

She feels stupid, the biggest fool on the planet. How can she still be looking for love from someone who has never shown her anything but hatred? She’s the one with a problem here, she knows that.

She shouldn't have lashed out especially after his apology, that must have taken true guts and she had thrown it all back in his face. She tries to make amends but every time they cross paths she freezes up and escapes to her borrowed room instead. It continues on for days with him still bringing food to her door and the combination of their kindness is too much for her. She doesn’t deserve it from either of them.

Tugging on her jacket she leaves the apartment hastily with only a small note on her door. She needs some space to think without feeling suffocated.

Gone for a walk.

It's just her luck that it's raining outside, only a drizzle but it coats the world in a thick fog and it's hard to see. The biggest benefit is that nobody can see her, she just needs time alone to think.

The idea of emancipation wasn't new to her, she had considered this option before but in the end she discarded it. Her father wasn't someone she would simply leave, he would drag her back kicking and screaming. He had instilled long ago that she was his, it was pointless to have dreams or aspirations, she just needed to follow his orders. That was her purpose. Being an obedient dog.

Suho's plan also called for revealing her pitiful life, what if she went through this ordeal only to lose and not be given emancipation in the end? No. She couldn't make herself that vulnerable at least now she had her dignity, only two people knew about her secret. It might not be much to others, but her dignity was everything to her; it was all she had left.

Sighing loudly at the skies she mentally curses the weather, maybe it's poetic but all of her worst times have been bookmarked by the rain. It must be a metaphor for her life, damp and cold with no warmth in sight.

Stopping to sit on a bench she stares up at the gray skies before closing her eyes, accepting her fate. "Fine, rain on me. I probably deserve this." Cool raindrops roll down her cheeks imitating tears and she can feel the moisture seeping into her clothes and siphoning her heat.

"Unnie?" She jumps at the voice, sounding too close and she shifts away when she opens her eyes and is greeted by the large bespectacled eyes of Gowoon. The younger girl smiles sweetly, covering her with a pale blue umbrella with ice cream cones decorating it. It’s too innocent and too young the antithesis of everything in her life.

"Unnie! What are you doing in the rain? You're getting wet!" Gowoon grabs her arm tugging her to her feet using her umbrella to shelter them both. She's shocked when she doesn't bristle at the unexpected and too familiar manhandling. She almost rolls her eyes, what was it with the Han family and finding her during rainstorms?

"Come on, my house isn't far. I'll make you some soup so you don't catch a cold." The other girl doesn't wait for her reply before she starts pulling her down the sidewalk. She sputters but feels her feet following obediently.

"Oppa is working late, so he won't be there to bother us."

Her heart defiantly jumps at the mention of him, she hasn't seen him in a week. She has dozens of unsent messages to him, cowardice has rendered her fingers useless though.

"That's good." She lies, "So it'll just be us two?" She's not quite ready to meet any other members of the Han family.

The other girl nods absently, easily easing them into a riveting conversation about a boy at school who won't leave her alone. She offers to beat him up if he keeps on bothering her to which Gowoon laughs gleefully before squealing, "You sound just like Seojun oppa!" She glares at the comparison watching entranced at the young girl's uncontrollable giggles. When was the last time she'd laughed so freely? She had no recollection.

Gowoon wasn't lying and within minutes she's staring at the apartment she's only seen once before. That feels like a lifetime ago.

She immediately regrets her inability to say no to persuasive girl later when they are greeted at the door.

"Gowoon, sweetie is that you?" A maternal voice calls out and she instantly recognizes it, stiffening in the doorway. Stepping back she starts thinking of excuses, but her tongue is too heavy in her mouth and she's too slow as the woman comes around the corner halting her escape.

She blinks unhurried as the older woman gapes at her clearly not expecting to see anyone besides her daughter.

Gowoon breaks the silence, her voice nonchalant, "Hi mom! This is my unnie Sujin, she's the one who saved me the other day! Is it okay that I brought her here for dinner, I found her in the rain!" Gowoon makes it sound like she picked up a stray puppy outside, but she knows the other girl means no harm.

Her skin prickles at the question, anxiety filling her stomach without her permission. She's waiting for rejection. For Gowoon’s mother to say that it is not okay and she would rather eat with her daughter without a stranger intruding.

"Of course! I didn't realize it was the same Sujin." Gowoon looks confused by her mother's statement and she feels embarrassment swarming in her belly. Oh no. She has to stop her before she reveals too much, Gowoon knows nothing and she wants to keep it that way.

"I didn't realize you knew Sujin too, isn't this Seojun's cru.."

"Classmate!" She suddenly interjects staring at the woman with pleading eyes, she's not ready for Gowoon to know about her brothers “feelings”. She's trying her best to forgot them too.

They both stare at her and she squirms under the scrutiny, before the older woman puts her out of her misery. "Yes, Seojun mentioned her before I didn't realize she was the same person that helped you. Thank you." She freezes as the woman embraces her hand, smiling at her warmly as she thanks her. She can only stare in response, nodding dumbly.

"Come on unnie! I'll get you some warm clothes, you'll catch a cold if you keep wearing those."

She lets herself be tugged into the younger girl’s room. Just like Gowoon the room is bright and vivacious, wall covered in posters and books littering her table. It looks completely normal and it makes her ache, her own room was militarily decorated with nothing out of place and no evidence of her personality. Since she was young her father would inspect it and punish her if anything was untoward. She had stopped trying to make the room look lived in after seeing poster after poster thrown down.

"Here unnie. You can borrow this." Her eyes bulge at a familiar blue shirt with a puppy on the front. "I know it's so embarrassing but oppa got it for me, it's really warm though." In the end he'd gotten her to wear the ridiculous shirt, she reluctantly goes off to change into the top and leggings. They are the same baby blue hue, making the outfit look like a set. She's thankful the boy isn't here to see her.

"Well don't you look adorable?" Seojun's mom coos at her when she finally comes out of the bathroom, she desperately wants to disappear. The woman must notice her ruby cheeks because she turns with a smile calling out to her daughter, "Gowoon! Come help with dinner!"

Now changed too, into cactus pajamas the younger girl bounds out grabbing an apron and tying it behind her back.

"What are are we making?" She curiously peeks over her mom's shoulder. The air between the mother and daughter is comfortable, the two leaning into each other naturally as they discuss what to make for dinner. She observes with a heavy heart as Gowoon easily puts her head on her mom's shoulder and the woman strokes her cheek lovingly. Something inside her throbs in response.

"Do you want to help?"

Shaking her head to clear the longing she looks at their mom, who's looking back at her with soft eyes already holding out another apron.

She can't control herself her yearning is too large, she stands without hesitation walking to the woman, sucking in a breath when the apron is placed over her shoulders and then tightened snuggly.

"We're making wonton soup. Have you ever made dumplings before sweetie?"

She looks at Gowoon waiting for her reply but then realizes that both pair of eyes are on her and oh, she's talking to her. She called her sweetie. Swallowing thickly she shakes her head before replying, "No. I've never made them before." She waits to be berated or at least chastised for her lack of culinary skills, her father always said a woman's place was in the kitchen.

Nothing happens. The woman hums before smiling again, she's always smiling it's so pretty. She wishes she had the courage to say the words aloud. She doesn't.

"You can help Gowoon chop the vegetables for the filling. Then we can mix it with the ground pork and I'll show you how to make the dumplings." If the woman is disappointed at all at having to teach her she's doing an incredible job of concealing her frustrations.

She accepts the knife when Gowoon hands it to her, both of them working on a wooden cutting board. They've gotten into somewhat of a rhythm slicing the chives and carrots finely for the filling. She'd never chopped vegetables before but their mom had casually stood behind her shocking her so much she almost dropped the knife, but the older woman had easily caught the utensil before holding her hand and manually showing her how to tuck her fingers and mince the vegetables. She froze before imitating the woman, she was good at replicating acts.

"That looks great sweetie! You're a fast learner!" The woman praised her turning back to the broth and adding more seasoning liberally. She preened under the attention smiling shyly before Gowoon shouted out loudly, "What about me mom? How do mine look?" They both looked at the younger girl's unevenly chopped chives and carrots, next to Sujin's perfectly identical veggies all in an even row. The difference between the two is stark.

"They look fine dear, they'll be hidden in the dumplings anyway." Her mother tries to soothe her ego, patting her shoulder before turning back to her soup dismissively and a burst of laughter explodes from her chest at the offended look on Gowoon's face, her cheeks are red and her mouth is turned down in an exaggerated frown. The younger girl looks positively livid that her mother is not similarly singing her praises and she starts to defiantly chop more vegetables, only to have them come out even worst; even more lopsided and haggard.

She tries to tamper her laugh but when the younger girl starts whining, crying about how her veggies were “cousins not siblings” she loses it, clutching at the counter for balance. She feels the air bursting from her lungs as she clutches at her stomach, laughing harder when Gowoon glares at her pout on her lips. The older woman joins her rubbing her daughter's back as she cries about her dignity, and then Gowoon looks at them both laughing at her and a smile spreads on her face and soon they are all laughing in the kitchen, soup bubbling beside them as a delicious aroma permeates the room.

None of them hear the front door opening or a deep voice announcing its arrival.

He's cold, tired and wet. Once again missing the forecast for rain, he really needed to start carrying an umbrella around all the time. What was up with the weather lately anyway? Why was it raining all the damn time? He absently thinks of a certain someone and hopes she's somewhere warm out of the rain. They always seemed to meet when the sky was pouring and raging.

It was hard not contacting her but he wanted to listen to her requests and respect her wishes no matter how hard it was for him, it was also getting pathetic being the only one fighting for this. She hadn't outright rejected him after his confession but her silence was an answer in itself and he wanted to respect that. He wasn't too manly to admit that he was hurt, and he was reeling from being pushed away so many times already.

So he followed his mother's advice, he'd given her something that he knew she needed and expected nothing in return.

All week he'd been waking up early to cook for the girl, reading recipes off his phone fluffy cat headband on his head keeping his fringe out of his eyes. The easier recipes like soup and grilled meats had been simple enough to accomplish but when he ventured into more complicated bento boxes that's when frustrations had arose. They looked so easy but they were tedious and he wasn’t the most patient or detail oriented person.

He struggled to recreate the detailed meals and almost gave up, throwing his phone across the room.

That's how his mother had found him, fuming and tugging his hair on the kitchen table. Seconds away from bashing his head into the surface and screaming at the ceiling.

"What are you doing up so early?" He jumped at her voice, looking around at the mess he'd made in the kitchen with wide guilty eyes.

"I-I can explain." He stuttered out but couldn't come up with a feasible answer once she looked at him expectantly, arms folded. The patented mom stare.

She had calmly walked across the room picking up his discarded phone, peering at the screen before looking back at him.

"Is this for your friend?" She shook the phone at him knowingly and he pressed his lips tight together, nodding mutely while looking away.

"Okay let's see what you have so far." His mom walked over and assessed what he had already made, nodding with a proud smile. "You did good so far, let me show you how to make a hotdog into an octopus. I did this for you all the time when you were a kid."

He was grateful when she didn't ask him any questions and it became their morning ritual, until he no longer needed guidance and he was able to make the boxes on his own. The satisfaction he felt when Suho would return the containers, clean as a whistle not even a grain of rice remaining was incomparable. It wasn't much but at least she was eating, that was all he needed even if she didn't want to see him or know that he was the one making her meals.

He sighs at himself, he told himself not to think about her but that was proving easier said than done.

Shaking himself at the front door like a wet dog, he tugs his keys from the back pocket of his jeans slotting it on the doorknob and turning.

"I'm home!" He calls out instinctively announcing his arrival as he toes off his drenched boots, but then his eyebrow lifts as he hears peals of laughter coming from the kitchen. He chuckles without knowing the joke, instantly rejuvenated by his family's abundant joy. Slipping on his slippers after hesitating a second because he doesn't recognize the shoe at the front door. When did Gowoon get those and how the hell was his little sister affording Chanel sneakers?

Those thoughts are swarming in his mind when he stomps to the kitchen, all the air sucked from his lungs when he sees an unbelievable vision. His mother and sister are grasping at each other, lost in laughter completely unaware of his presence but the image that most shocks him is Sujin, holding her stomach as she spots something on the counter that sets her off into another bout of boisterous laughter.

He can't help it he starts to categorize her every move, the way her eyes are crinkled and a stray tear is leaking out the corner, the way her nose is scrunched up like a rabbit and the way her mouth is stretched wide, visible even behind the futile shield of her hand. All of his thoughts from earlier regarding not needing to see her dissipate, he wants to tattoo this image in his mind.

"Oh! You're here!" His mother suddenly turns to face him and that causes Sujin to freeze laughter fading off with a whine, regarding him with huge bright eyes. It's almost too much once he notices what she's wearing, he wasn't prepared to see her like this in his house. It's overwhelming in the best way.

"I'm home. I'll go change and come help." Both his mother and Gowoon nod easily no longer paying him any mind but he can feel eyes on him as he runs away, trying to regain his composure and his breath. He purposely avoids Sujin's eyes not ready to see if the walls are back up at his arrival.

When he comes back out the table is already set and they've all taken a seat, the only available chair is between his mom and Sujin, so he takes a calming breath before walking over with fake confidence. He’s used to faking it until he makes it. That could be the name of his biography.

He answers his family's questions about work and school blowing on the soup before taking a bite of the slightly lopsided dumpling. What it's lacking in appearance it more than makes up for in flavor, he groans at the delicious flavor that dances on his taste buds looking up excitedly at his mom.

"These dumplings are delicious! Thank you for the meal!" He praises his mom, happily chewing at the soft delicacy in his mouth.

"Thank you Junnie, but I didn't make the dumplings. They worked on the filling together but Sujin-ah seasoned and filled the dumplings while I made the broth and your sister helped with the side dishes." His mother smiles proudly over at the two girls, Gowoon beaming with pride but Sujin, almost disappears into her soup her head so close to the steaming hot bowl.

They haven’t said anything to each other and he's nervous to be the one to break this stalemate but he also really wants to talk to her, has wanted to since he stepped through the door and saw her smiling face. Has wanted to since that night he stormed out and didn't look back. So finally he does, gathering all his bravery to finally look over at her.

"The dumplings are great." And when she doesn't look up or seemingly react at all, he tells himself he's fine and he expected that. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet, it was his own fault for hoping when she'd explicitly told him to stop doing that.

So he goes back to eating, more lethargic than before eyes locked on nothing but his food and his spoon. It was embarrassing. He knows his cheeks are pink and he hates it.

"Thank you. I just followed your mom's directions. It was nothing."

He pauses, peeking up at her and almost choking when she shoots him a small smile before filling her bowl with more rice.

His heart thumps in his chest. Fuck.

He doesn't hear anything else the rest of the meal, too lost in his thoughts and it's only familiarity that has him standing up when everyone is finished, collecting the plates and bringing them to the sink.

"It's almost time for Sunbae, don’t wear those high heels!!" Gowoon shouts, he cringes at the name of the new drama they've been obsessively watching, he'd only tuned in one time before flabbergasted by the exorbitant amount of times the female protagonist had fallen into the arms of various men but especially the male lead. She fell off a balcony into his arms that time, with neither of them needing to be admitted to the hospital somehow. His mother and Gowoon had both hushed him when he'd voiced that particular opinion and he had happily banished himself to his room.

"Oh no, I'm going to miss it because I'm washing the dishes." He replies deadpan as his sister rolls her eyes dramatically at him, "Whatever it's your loss. Let's go I want to see if she's going to choose the sweet bad boy or the cold cute guy!"

He scoffs at the cliché characterizations scrubbing harder at the plate.

"Come on unnie!" Sujin gasps as she's tugged to the living room too, glancing over he sees his little sister place her in the middle of the couch sandwiched between her and his mother. Sujin looks overwhelmed as Gowoon animatedly tries to catch her up on the series. He shakes his head, maybe the show wasn't that bad. He could watch a few minutes with them.

He strolls casually to the living room, easing onto the ground beside his mother's legs after all the dishes are clean and drying.

"What are you doing here? I thought you despised this "cringey" show?" He leans his head back, sighing when his mother eases her fingers into his hair scratching at his scalp and he sighs content in her lap.

"I do. But it's too early to sleep so I have no choice but to watch this crap."

"Mom! He said crap!"

"Watch your language."

His mother scolds him immediately and Gowoon sticks out her tongue at him vindicated because he got in trouble and immaturely he does it back, tugging off her sock much to her chagrin, dodging her when she tries to kick him.

Sujin looks back and forth between them both before discretely looking at their mother, she seems shocked when all the woman does is chuckle and say, "Children please. Do I need to remind you that we have a guest?" He looks away bashfully not wanting to look childish in front of Sujin, he hadn't thought about that. That makes them settle down and he finally looks at the TV, groaning loudly when low and behold the heroine is falling again, tripping over a candy wrapper on the ground.

"She falls a lot. She should probably wear protective gear." Sujin says breaking their new silence and he chuckles at her observation, happy that someone agrees with him, excitedly he turns to her "Right! Last time she fell off a balcony!" He shouts in disbelief and suddenly they're all arguing about the feasibility of someone surviving that. His mother shaking her head fondly at them, choosing to say out of it which makes Gowoon pout because she's outnumbered.

"Okay who would you choose Unnie, the tsundere type or the bad boy with a heart of gold?" Suddenly he's very invested in her answer, he tries not to react staring at the ceiling and breathing evenly but inside his heart is thundering ready to pound out of his chest.

A few seconds drag on and he wonders if she's not going to answer, he doesn't even know why he cares so much but curiously is gripping at him. He knows that this doesn't mean anything necessarily and he's not getting his hopes up but--

"The sweet guy. He just looks like a bad boy but he's sweet to her, he never says anything mean to her. That would be nice." She answers, trailing off at the end and he hears Gowoon instantly disagreeing saying the other guy is way better, but he can barely hear his sister over the thumping of his heart in his ears, he can't help the wide smile that spreads on his face.

He turns to hide it in his mom's lap.

It doesn't leave his face the rest of the night.

It's getting late, she knows that it's time for her to take her leave she's been imposing on them for too long but....she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to leave, they are so warm. She's never seen a family like this outside of television shows, how was it possible that this was their real life? How could they have a mother who was that loving? Everything they did was greeted with fond exasperation, where was the reprimanding or cold backhanded words that cut like a knife?

She'd even treated her kindly, calling her sweetie more than she said her name. And she got used to it similar to how she'd gotten used to Seojun calling her princess, she knew she should fight it but she didn't want to. She was ashamed to say she liked it.

She tries to soak it up for as long as she can before she says reluctantly, "I should probably go. it's getting late." Then she watches in a daze as the woman races off before returning with containers stacked and tied in a bag.

Before she can argue or refuse their mom is already shaking her head, "You made this so it's only right that you take it home. I won't take no for an answer." At this point that should have been the Han family motto she thinks fondly. But she accepts the food, bowing in gratitude at the simple act of kindness.

"Unnie, can I have your number? I just realized I don't have it and we're so close!" Gowoon thrusts her phone out with two hands, giving her the biggest puppy eyes she's ever seen. Without a word she accepts the phone, punching in her number before handing it back. She hadn’t realized the girl considered them close, but she finds that she doesn’t mind it at all.

"Thank you! I'll text you so you can have my number too." The younger girl dances in celebration before grabbing her in a hug, she awkwardly pats her on the back once before she's finally set free. They're all so naturally affectionate and she's not the least bit accustomed to it, used to harsh words and slaps instead of praises and hugs.

"Get home safely sweetie. Junnie! Where did you go? Come walk her home!" She rushes to say it's okay she doesn't need an escort home, she's fine walking by herself it truly wasn't that far it turned out. But Seojun comes out of his room, changed again with a coat on and a beanie. Walking over to them he thrusts a sweater at her, when she looks blankly he replies sounding defensive, "It's probably colder now. Put this on too." He pushes it at her again firmer and she grabs it, gasping when their fingers brush.

It's a thick dark green sweater with fleece lining the interior and it smells just like his earthy cologne, she wants to give it back. Instead she puts it on over her borrowed long sleeve shirt from Suho and feels like a child playing dress up when it reaches the bottom of her knees. She knows what he's thinking when he smirks at her, she wasn't short he was just a damn giant.

She takes off the slippers and slides back into her sneakers, thankful that they're dry now. She's distracted by Seojun's heat, he's so close to her putting on his own boots. So much so she nearly misses what his mother says, "Get home safely. Please come again soon, I need more maturity in this house." Seojun and Gowoon both shout affronted but all she can see is the genuine smile on her face, she finds herself nodding throat too thick for words. When she's pulled into another hug, this time she has to blink away tears arms still by her side. She’s vibrating from keeping her emotions contained.

They are walking side by side, the sounds of the city filling the silence that would be present. Every once in a while their arms brush but he moves away after the third time and she feels cold, more so than when the wind blows.

They're getting closer to Suho's apartment and she's wrecking her brain to find something to say to him, knowing that the ball is in her court; it always has been. She's just terrified to swing her racket. What if she misses? Or trips and embarrasses herself? It was usually better to just do nothing then you wouldn't be disappointed.

With each step she loses more courage until they are standing in front of the building and she still hasn't said anything.

Coward.

They stand awkwardly looking at the building pointedly avoiding each other and she finally speaks, "Oh your sweater! Here you go." She says stupidly, not at all what she wanted to say but she starts to pull the sweater off to commit to her exclamation. However he steps back shaking his head at her.

"It's cold. Just wear it upstairs. I'll get it later from Suho, you won't have to see me again. Go up." He sounds deflated, nothing like the animated jokester she'd seen just minutes at his apartment. It aches that she's the one making him act this way.

Then he turns around after looking at her, all of the light drained from his eyes.

He takes three large steps, putting immeasurable space between them in no time and she knows that if she lets him walk away right now he might not come back and that's a gut wrenching thought that makes her chase after him.

Thoughtlessly, she grabs his arm halting his exit from her life.

"Wait!" She shouts, but at the first touch of her hand on his forearm he's already frozen, still in her arms. He doesn't turn around. She shoots him a silent mental thank you, even if it's not his intention it's much easier to say what's on her mind like this without him facing her and her feeling too open and vulnerable.

"I know you're the one making me food." There was supposed to be a thank you somewhere in there but instead she ends up sounding accusatory, and he tenses instantly his arm tight in her grasp.

"I'll stop. I know you told me to leave you alone. I--just. There's no excuse. I'll stop."

His voice is strained and this is going all wrong already, she's ruining everything.

Letting go of his arm, she sidesteps and brazenly moves directly in front of him. She can't keep hiding from this. She needed to be vulnerable, that was the only way he could understand.

His eyes are wet.

She gasps at the sight, not expecting it and so jealous at his ability to just feel and be seen. She was always hiding from everything.

"Don't."

He doesn't give her a chance to finish.

"Sujin. Let me go. I know already, I know it all. I can't like you, I shouldn't get my hopes up, I need to mind my business. I know it all!" He shouts, pain marring his face but she notices how he still tugs his arm free gently, still careful about harming her even while he’s breaking down.

She doesn’t deserve this.

This is all her fault she knows that to be an objective truth, but the way he throws her own words back at her makes her realize how cruel she'd been while trying to spare him. She hadn't spared anything, the pain in his eyes and voice makes that abundantly clear.

"Don't stop. Don't give up on me." She finishes, staring at him with her own wet eyes, tears prickling at them.

His shoulders sink as he stares at her, lost and hesitant.

"I'm sorry. I’m sorry for saying those things to you. I can't promise I won't push you away again. I'm...I'm fucked up Seojun-ah. I'm a fucking mess. But I want to stop, I don't want to push people away."

I don't want to push you away. But she’s still too much of a coward to say that out loud.

"Sujin, what-what are you trying to say?" He looks at her with guarded eyes, not yet ready to believe the words coming out of her mouth.

"I want to be friends."

She watches him wrestle with her sentence, hurt being covered up by a façade and she's not obtuse, she knows that's not the answer he was hoping for. Knows he thinks she's friend zoning and clipping the wings of his feelings.

"That's all I can deal with right now. I have a lot to work on, I need to work on me." It may seem like a cop out, an excuse but it's the most honest she's ever been with herself, it's not that she doesn't like him she might- if the way her heart thumps when he’s around says anything- but more importantly she has realized that she doesn’t like herself.

"Right now." He repeats in awe, she blinks confused before realizing the implications of her words, she starts sputtering trying to backtrack but he's too quick beating her to the punch.

"I can do friends. For now." She blushes at the beaming smile on his face, his happiness over such a small acquiesce is too much. Why did he have to wear his heart so obviously on his sleeves?

They stand simply staring at each other. Locked in the moment.

She might need to remind her heart that they'd only agreed to be friends.

For now.

I don't like onions.

She doesn't know what possesses her to text him first, or what compels her to send that particular message. She starts googling if there's a way to unsend messages, instead finding stories from others regaling their own embarrassing messages and finding solace that she isn't alone in this feeling.

She jumps when her phone vibrates. Slowly turning it over like it's a ticking bomb.

Of course you'd be a picky eater. Onions are good for you.

She rolls her eyes at the message, he was such a nagger.

It's not good if I don't enjoy it.

Alright princess, noted. No more onions. Are you okay with chicken teriyaki tomorrow?

She recalls the delicious chicken teriyaki he'd made for her just days ago, it was succulent and juicy and she'd fought Suho over it, reminding him that this was her food and she replies quickly.

Yes! Do you have more kimchi?

I do. I'll pack some.

She stares at the phone, in disbelief at the how easy it is to talk to him again, like there was an empty spot in her life, a Seojun shaped gap that was now filled once more. She wasn't fixed, she had meant what she told him; she couldn't examine her feelings for him yet. But she needed him in her life, he was there when she needed someone and now no one else would do.

I missed you.

#true beauty #true beauty kdrama #bring me to life #chapter 7 #han seojun #kang sujin #Han family superiority #the couple that should have been #I got to write some cute stuff #calm before the storm #maybeeeee #junjin #dedicated to my shooters

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shinycorvidae · 3 years

Text

Character Study:

Tagged By: @smilepal

Tagging: @shitposting-for-the-soul

(Vic is in a relationship with @smilepal s Hiro and Johnny who survives and gets a body, and they are happily living together, because fuck cannon 😂)

Layer 01: The Outside

-Name: Victory (Vic, V mostly, only her dad called her victory) Devin

-Eye Color: Brown

-Hair Style/Color: Blue green curly hair, that's always up in a bun or a braid. She has the sides shaved until after The Heist. She lets it grow out to hide the bullet scar on her temple. She didn't really notice it herself, but it made the boys sad. Sometimes she will rarely have her hair down at home.

-Height: 5'11

-Clothing Style: Functional and comfortable clothing, reinforced with armor weave. Mostly wears browns, greens and blacks because she's used to blending into the badlands.

-Best Physical Feature: In her opinion? Her lean muscles/control over her body. In mine? Tall lady please step on me.

Layer 02: The Inside

-Fears: Failing her family again. Dying alone. Needles. Dogs. Loss of control of her body (bondage, drugs etc.).

-Guilty Pleasures: Explosives. They're so imprecise and generally not conducive to her fighting style but damn they're pretty. And actually physical books. Its not worth the extra money but ooo they smell so good.

-Biggest Pet-peeves: Hiro and Johnny taking hour long showers/leaving all the lights on. Improper gun/knife stance/holding. Food thieves.

hthr th door-Ambitions for the Future: For her found family to all be happy, safe and healthy.

Layer 03: Thoughts

-First thought waking up: Its not really a thought, but just taking in the soft emotion of being safe in a warm bed with her boys nearby. And then immediately "what's for breakfast" 😂

-What they think about most: Escape/fight plans. Food. Her partners.

-What they think about right before bed: Whether the door is locked and the alarms set. Then about the people she meet and interacted with throughout the day, mostly little things, like how she should fix the old lady down the halls A/C tomorrow or how she should bring Hiro to see Vik tomorrow about the slight twitch in his cyberware.

-What they think their good quality is: V see's herself as the protector/soldier since that was her role in her old clan before coming to NC. So she would probably say that her best quality is her fighting and battle planning abilities.

Layer 04: Either Or

-Single or group dates: Since V has two partners, group dates. Though its hard to call them 'dates', since its usually V tricking her two emotionally constipated boys into a nice day out that they only realize is a date when they get home.

-To be loved or respected: Loved. Vic is a soft soul. She wants to be loved. If you don't respect her she doesn't care at all unless you physically attack her.

-Beauty or Brains: Brains. Vic isn't materialistic or vain at all.

-Dogs or Cats: If she has to choose between the two, cats. She's started getting used to them since moving in with Hiro, but she didn't have any interactions with them before. Their aren't many cats in the badlands and if you do run into one he's probably a feral bastard. She's actively afraid of dogs, as she's been attacked by them before.

Layer 05: Do They...

-Lie?: Rarely. And when she does she's awful at it.

-Believe in themselves?: Mostly yes. Vic is pretty secure in who she is and what she can do. However she's had a rough couple of years in a row, and they've made her question herself a bit.

-Believe in love?: Yes. V believes in familial, platonic and sexual love. She falls in love easily and is very open about her love and tells her loved ones that she loves them often. Scared the crap out of Jackie when she told him she loved him. She didn't explain she meant platonically 😂

-Want someone?: Yes, previously and currently. She has an ex gf, Merrill, from her nomad years, and has been holding a torch/eventually dates her roommate Hiro Oda and Johnny Silverhand.

Layer 06:

-Been on stage?: Maybe once or twice she's dragged onstage by an enthusiastic Kerry or Johnny, but she hates it. She doesn't like people paying that much attention to her. She's a sniper for gods sake, she's used to quietly sitting in a corner unnoticed.

-Done drugs?: Not really. Has smoked weed occasionally with her sister as a teen, but that's it. She has a crippling fear of needles so its a literal fight to even get her to take an airhypo. Johnny usually ends up holding her down while Hiro injects 😂

-Changed who they were to fit in?: No. V is charismatic and just so fucking oblivious to social roles? rules? that she wouldn't even think of the need to change herself. Her nomad clan was a mishmash of a complete clusterfuck of personalities so she never really would get the idea of different being bad. She's also just generally awful at lying/faking 😂😅

Layer 07:

-Favorite Color: Green, like the bright luscious plant green. It was a rare color in the desert.

-Favorite Animal: Hawks. It was her old family's nickname for her, and she loved to watch them soar above them while they drive across the desert.

-Favorite Book: Watership Down. Vic loves the classics and often stays home reading while the boys go out clubbing. Watership Down is her favorite because it's about protecting clan, vicious battles and cute bunnies.

-Favorite Game: The 'pretend you don't see or understand Hiro/Johnny's blatant sexual come ons/flirting until they snap' game

Layer 08:

-Day their next birthday will be: She'll be 29 some point in November. Unsure in the exact date.

-How old they will be: 29

Layer 09: I...

-I Love: Food. Her Rifle. Her Knives. Hiro. Johnny. Viper. Michael. Vik. Misty. Panam. Judy. Mitch. Their cats. The wind in my hair. Barry. The food cart guy outside their apartment. Delamain. Oh that chinese place down the street- I'm just going to cut her off there.

-I Feel: Happy. Content. (Guilty. A failure.)

-I Hide: From needles. Hiro and Johnny are always trying to stop her from eating 'perfectly safe' food. So she hides that from them. Her sadness. Her nightmares.

-I Miss: Viper, Michael and Jackie. My clan before we joined Snake Nation. Not living in any fixed place. It was nice not being tied down to one place.

-I Wish: that I never have to find a new family again.

There you go @smilepal I finally finished 😂 you only tagged me three days ago.

#my v #cyberpunk #cyberpunk 2077 #johnny silverhand #v #v character study #character study #polyamory #vic

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elliottalksalot · 3 years

Note

Hiii I would like to request for a male genshin matchup if thats cool:] I'm a straight female, Sagittarius and an INFJ-T. I have brown eyes and brown-ish black-ish hair and glasses which I tend to lose often heh. I like spending time with those close to my heart but I also value my personal space and time. I like to travel but I don't mind staying in one place and settling down. I don't like frogs, I have a phobia of them for some reason. I can take other creatures like cockroaches, rats, heck even snakes, but no frogs plz:< I don't like aggresive confrontation and I'm the type of person to diffuse tense situations. I don't like heated arguments as well, they make me uncomfortable and give me huge anxiety:<

What I want in a partner is someone who is willing to listen to me, and in turn I'll listen to them. I want someone who shares the same values as I do as well. Respecting me, my beliefs and my family and friends is definitely a must. I want someone who I can confide in (and vice versa) and create a special and deep bond with. I want a relationship that isn't shallow or only about love, but about other things like trust. Someone who is patient and can humour me in the silly things I do would be really cool too:) My love languages are prob all of them ngl:] For hobbies I like listening to music and singing to myself, daydreaming, knitting and crocheting if I have the materials and reading!

I think I'm the type of person who comes across either as really intimidating or really shy, but when you really get to know me, a kind, outspoken, and sometimes feisty person. I'm kind of between being that responsible mom friend and being that friend who radiates crackhead energy, (lmao idk either) depending on the situation and vibe. I'm an independent person with strong morals, although I'm always willing to listen to other people's perspectives. I'm a pretty carefree person, and I'm someone who is willing to help another through their problems, whether that is just by listening, giving advice when asked, etc. I'm also pretty moody tho, and there are definitely times where I go from optimistic to pessimistic and vice versa. I also work well under pressure and I'm definitely an overachiever. I tend to invalidate myself and my feelings a lot and I tend to overwork, overthink, and stress myself out a lot because I bottle my emotions up:(

I don't really have an ideal date in mind, maybe something where I can really get to know the person, like maybe doing something that the other person likes doing and one that can be away from other people as well, so privacy yes. Maybe like a picnic date, a private dinner, learning the hobby of the other person or even a date that just involves staying in. For aesthetic I've been told that my aesthetic is "scholarly academia" I just asked my friend and thats what I was told hehe:]

I hope this was okay and I just kind of started to ramble so sorry about that hihi:] anyway I hope you're doing well, stay safe:]

Hi Hi! You’re my first Genshin Impact request! I hope you enjoy this and stay safe as well! I match you with...

ALBEDO

Okay so! You both seem to be calm and collected people who would listen to each other! And really I can’t say much else so onto the HEADCANONS!

ROMANTIC HEADCANONS/SCENARIO:

You were friends with Kaeya

He introduced yall two to eachother once he found out you wanted to start you childhood hobby of painting again.

Y’all unsurprisingly got along well

He, not knowing had to go about this, asked Kaeya for advice.

Terrible idea really

There was a bunch of failed attempts before Diluc just got tired of you two flirting in his bar and told you Albedo liked you

It got the point across clearly.

You’re first date was just chilling in the bar

Neither of you drank much so you just sat drawing different people passing by

He walked you home and you gave him a kiss on the doorstep

Cliche Cute Assholes

Klee likes you. Like a lot, she has brought you bombs of love only for them to blow up in your face literally

You never get mad at her for it

Fights with Albedo don’t happen often

You both find them draining and prefer to talk stuff out before it gets to that point

✨ Healthy Communication things ✨

“ (Name) Love, Do you think you can get me the watercolor? “ Albedo asked you turned away focusing on his painting . You two were on a outdoor date for inspiration when Albedo decided to surprise you. Getting the paint you hand it to him then go to sit back down. After some time you hear Albedo putting supplies away. “ You can look now , dear. “ It was a painting of you sitting there. Wind blowing your hair, clothes ruffled. “ You..” You stuttered in surprise . Albedo only smiled innocently before he pressed a Kidd to your forehead . “ I think we should head back now? “

Songs That Remind Me Of Your Relationship!:

Put Your Records On - Ritt Momney

Put Your Head On My Shoulder - Paul Anka

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows - Lesley Gore

The Book Of Love - Peter Gabriel

Then He Kissed Me - The Crystals

DYNAMIC!:

That one healthy couple with next to no problems you can’t help but be jealous of. Come on y’all are perfect for eachother.

✨HEADCANONS✨

You have a whole portfolio of drawings/paintings Albedo had done of you

You once made a flower crown for Albedo and he still has it

Klee once called you ‘ Big Sis ‘ and you started crying right there

You and Albedo don’t really celebrate birthdays so you just have a date at the winery alone with eachother

Your favorite color is blue because of him though he just say ‘ because it’s the color of the sky “

You both have missed sleep time just tirelessly working on paintings

Once Albedo drew Kaeya and Diluc as thanks and left it on their desk. He didn’t leave a note nor signature but they knew who it was from

Just Wholesomeness between you two really

AND THATS A WRAP! HOPE YOU LIKE THIS

#genshin impact #matchups #albedo #genshin impact matchup #genshin impact albedo #elliottalksalot

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theskygivesmelife · 3 years

Text

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

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[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

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You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

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[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.

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