#something something he stayed for too long at upton house | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imjustwritingg · 3 years

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pillow talk part 2

Hi friends! This second installment was highly requested here on tumblr and I figured after what happened in 8x14, it was a good time to write it. So here you go friends! I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think! 🥰

Also on AO3 and FFNet!

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“You jammed me up. That’s not okay.”

His words play over and over in her head as she drives to his apartment. She knows he might not want to see her, the look of disappointment on his face at the crime scene enough evidence of that possibility, but she can’t let the night end without talking to him or at least trying to.

She parks her car and goes inside his building, heart beating wildly in her chest as she makes her way to his door. She rattles her knuckles against it and waits, knocking twice more a few moments later, when there’s no answer, but the door still doesn’t open and it feels as though someone has just punched her in the stomach.

She pulls her phone out of her back pocket and calls him, brings the phone to her ear, but it goes right to voicemail. She ends the call and waits a minute or so before she redials, hoping that maybe he’s on another call and is distracted, but she just gets his voicemail again.

He doesn’t want to talk to her. Doesn’t want to see her. And her stomach lurches, shoulders heaving raggedly as her breath gets stuck in her throat.

She can’t blame him. She had put him in the most compromising position tonight, taken unnecessary risks, and made questionable choices to say the least.

She looks at his door longingly, thinking if maybe she stares hard enough it’ll open and he’ll appear out of nowhere, but the door remains closed and he’s nowhere to be seen.

She turns on her heels and wipes under her eyes at the burning tears threatening to spill over, a horrible ache pulsating inside of her as she walks back to her car and starts to head home, ready to crawl into her bed and try and sleep this night away.

When she finally turns down her street sometime later she spots his truck parked up outside of her building. He’s standing next to his driver’s side door, arms crossed over his chest and head tilted towards the ground. He’s waiting for her and the sight of him makes her heart nearly stop beating.

She can just barely make out the look on his face in the glow of her headlights, but it resembles something a lot like betrayal and it sends a rush of guilt through her immediately.

She parks a few spots behind him and takes a deep breath as she gets out of her car. She tries to somehow prepare herself for whatever he’s about to dish out to her, but she’ll take whatever he has to say because at least he’s there.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you tonight,” she says quietly, approaching him with slow moving steps and a once again fast beating heart as she shoves her hands into her coat pockets.

As she stands in front of him she takes in the soft look of his eyes and the anguish that curtains his face. She realizes it wasn’t betrayal she had seen just moments ago, but sheer disappointment instead, just like earlier at the crime scene, and it guts her again.

“Figured we should talk. I didn’t wanna leave things the way we did at the scene,” he tells her, his voice a matching tone of quiet and reserved.

“I went to your apartment. Tried calling.”

“My phone died so I just came over,” he says.

She responds with a tilt of her chin towards her apartment building in silent invitation and he follows a few steps behind her inside.

They ride the elevator up to her floor without uttering a word, him standing in one corner and her in another, time seeming to pass too slowly as if taunting her. She glances over at him, but his eyes are down to the floor, lost in his own mind and thinking too hard.

When the elevator finally halts and the familiar ding chimes through the car they step out onto her floor and head for the door of her apartment, him still a few steps behind her and keeping his distance.

She lets them into her apartment, closing the door after him and turning the deadbolt, but she’s quick to notice he doesn’t move any further inside than where he stands by the door.

She steps away from, pulling off her jacket and tossing it over the back of the couch before throwing him a look over her shoulder. “Water? Beer?”

He shakes his head and stays planted where he stands, hands in his pockets now and staring back at her as Hailey moves towards the kitchen island. She leans back against it, crossing her arms in front of her as she looks at him. He still doesn’t move or take off his jacket, and it makes her stomach churn at the memory of them standing in similar positions not too long ago when she had been so certain he was going to leave her.

She knows she made a mistake, a few of them, and she knows she hurt him and the last thing she wants is him to leave or think she wants him to, so she blows out a deep sigh and walks towards him.

“I’m sure you might want your space from me after what happened and I have no right to ask,” she says, words coming out in a rush before she hesitates, breathing out and looking at him with near desperation. “Will you please stay?”

Jay stares back at her for a fraction of a moment and it’s long enough to set her mind reeling in fear that she’s jeopardized everything between them now, but he surprises her like he always does and gives a slow nod.

“If I wanted space I wouldn’t have come. I didn’t think that’s something either of us needed right now.”

His tone is sincere despite the sadness looming over his face and she breathes out in relief as she offers a small smile and takes another step closer towards him. She reaches for his arms, pulls his hands from his pockets, feels his eyes burning into her as she pushes his jacket down over his shoulders.

She drapes it over her arm and holds onto one of his hands, her thumb brushing over freckled skin as she lifts her eyes to his, then whispers, “I’m really glad you came.”

He nods again and gives her hand a quick squeeze, but doesn’t say anything more, just follows her with his eyes when she lets go of him and goes to place his jacket down over hers on the couch. She makes her way back to him and reaches for one of his hands again, twining their fingers together as she leads him into her bedroom.

They fall into their usual routine, one they’ve created and perfected with one another since that first night together many months ago, although tonight it’s silent between them. There’s no mindless small talk or teasing one another from across the room, but it’s still so domestic and easy and somehow comfortable despite the circumstances. It sends an ache through her chest as they do their own thing, but they still do it together. As if they’ve been doing it for a lifetime already.

She strips and changes into a pair of clean underwear, and grabs a t-shirt from the basket of fresh laundry on the floor that has yet to be put away. A mindless chore she’ll save for tomorrow when she has more energy.

She pulls the t-shirt over her head and when it falls to just above her knees, it’s only then she realizes that the garment doesn’t belong to her, but to the man standing across the room in just his boxers.

She glances over at Jay who quickly catches her eye and looks her up and down as he settles beneath the sheets and leans back against the headboard. “Is that my shirt?”

Hailey makes her way to the bed, pulling her hair out from its ponytail and dropping the tie on her nightstand as she climbs in beside him. She sits in a pretzel position as she faces him and gives a shrug of her shoulders. “I just grabbed it from the basket. I can change if you - “

He shakes his head, smiling fondly at her. “You look good in my shirt Upton.”

The corners of her mouth tip upwards at his comment, but she can’t help fiddling with her hands that rest in her lap.

“I’m sorry,” Hailey breathes out, not able to withstand the awkwardness in the air between them any longer and needing to talk to him, really talk to him. “I know I messed up. I shouldn’t have gone into that house. I put you in a tough spot tonight and I’m so sorry.”

“God, I hate that word,” she scoffs then before he can say anything and runs a hand through her hair. “Sorry. It doesn’t fix anything and I know it’s not supposed to, but apologizing still doesn’t condone what I did tonight.”

He gives a slow nod and glances down and she can tell he’s trying to find the words. The right words because he won’t be mean or raise his voice to try and make a point. Not with her.

She watches the way his shoulders rise and fall with each deep breath he takes, and then he looks back up at her with tired eyes from the stress and the chaos and the worry of the day behind them.

“I accept your apology, but I don’t want you to be sorry Hailey,” he says quietly before releasing a dejected sigh. “I want you to be safe. I want you to be smart. You crossed a line tonight and it was the same exact line you crossed that got you shipped off to the Feds last year.”

“I know,” she says quickly. “I got caught up in it. The case and Voight coming down on me and I started second guessing myself, and then that kid was killed and all I could focus on was finding the guy who killed him. I just didn’t care about doing it the right way. I felt like I had to prove something, but I just ended up losing control again.”

“I get it Hailey. Trust me, I get it. Especially when it comes to kids. And I know the system is flawed and it doesn’t always work the way it’s supposed to, but if tonight had turned out any differently than it did, we’d be screwed right now.”

“You’re right,” she says with another nod, tears pooling at the corners of her eyes because she knows how bad a turn things could have taken with her behavior and the thought alone makes the guilt inside her thicken. “I was so blinded by all of it and I just reacted. I don’t know why I keep doing these things. Crossing lines and pulling people down with me. Pulling you down with me. I was so stupid. I was reckless and I put you in jeopardy.”

Her heart is pounding in her chest, anxiety creeping up on her, as she lifts a hand to run it through her hair again.

“Voight’s not stupid though,” she continues a moment later. “He knows you covered for me. He knows we lied. I don’t want you getting in the middle of those crosshairs, not for me. I don’t wanna cause problems for you. I don’t wanna change who you are because I make dumb decisions.”

He shakes his head at her and leans forward, reaching for one of her hands and holding it tightly between both of his. “I’m not worried about Voight. He’s not exactly the poster boy for doing the right thing. I chose to get out of the car. I chose to follow you inside that house. I made my own decisions and I take full responsibility for that.”

“I put you in that position though!” She groans, blowing out a deep sigh of regret. “You know I didn’t do that intentionally right? You have to know that.”

“I do,” he confirms with a squeeze of her hand. “And you know I’d follow you anywhere Hailey, but it’s a slippery slope that you’ve been walking on and what happened tonight? That can’t happen again.”

“It won’t,” she whispers.

She knows her words are meaningless, but it’s a promise she can still make. One that she’ll follow through on. Because of him, because of them, because he really does make her better. Makes her want to be better.

She’s not sure she deserves the softness of his eyes or the warmth of his fingers wrapped tightly around hers, but she’s never been more grateful for the way he anchors her in place in that moment. The way he keeps her from spinning out completely from the frustration and the guilt of her bad decisions and the events that have transpired over the last few days.

“Um, there’s something else you should know,” she says with caution in her voice and he raises an eyebrow at her curiously. “I had to stop off at the district earlier after we wrapped at the crime scene for paperwork and I told Voight we’re together. Officially I guess.”

“Didn’t he already know? Or at least assume anyways.”

“Yeah, but I also sort of made the suggestion of getting a new partner,” she confesses. “He said he wasn’t gonna split us up though. Said we’re a good team.”

“Well, that’s one thing he’s right about. We’re good together. Always have been,” he tells her. He glances down at their joined hands and then looks back up at her, a curious gaze lingering in his eyes. “Do you really want a new partner?”

She gives a slow shake of her head and a look of regret comes over her face. “I only suggested it because I thought I couldn’t have both worlds, ya know? You and me on the job, you and me here like this. I’m trying to figure it all out, us and the work stuff. I thought I had to give up one to have the other and I’m really glad I didn’t have to do that tonight.”

“That’s good because I don’t want a new partner. I just want you, but I need you to hear me when I say you’re not alone. You don’t have to deal with these things on your own. The cases, Voight, any of it. I know that’s not how you’re used to things, having someone on your side like that, but I’m here Hailey. Let me help you carry some of it, okay?”

He squeezes her hand for good measure and stares at her with his bright green eyes, soft and sweet, one of the only ways he ever looks at her these days. It sets her skin on fire, chest aching, every nerve ending shooting off with so much love and appreciation for the man in front of her. She’s not sure what she’s done to be so lucky to have a partner like him, not just on the job, but in life as well, and it makes everything inside of her ache in the best possible way.

She nods, looking back at him with a teary eyed smile and bringing her free hand up to her face to wipe at her eyes.

“I really love you, you know that? I swear I don’t deserve you,” she tells him. “And that’s not me being self-deprecating or cynical, it’s just me appreciating what I have. What we have. I got really lucky with you.”

He grins at her instantly, the sound of her saying she loves him being one of his favorite things and because he knows exactly what she means. Their track records in dating and relationships and love have all been a wash. Nothing tangible, nothing to hold on to, to depend on. But this thing with them, this unadulterated thing with its strong foundation and an ability to communicate so perfectly, even when it’s hard, reminds him that this is the kind of thing they’ll be talking about years from now.

When they’re old and grey and still together, still talking, still loving, still trusting. Their story will be the one people ask to hear about at parties and dinners and holidays. The one that people will hear when the question is asked, “How’d you do it for so long? How’d you make it work?”

He already has his answer for when those questions are asked. It’s the same one he whispers to her now in the quiet of her bedroom and the soft glow of a bedside lamp.

“It helps having a good partner.”

Her smile widens at his words and she drops her free hand down on top of his, plays with his fingers and squeezes them against hers.

“This is becoming our new thing, ya know?”

“What’s that?”

“This pillow talk business. Our old thing was some dive or Molly’s over beer, but I gotta say I much prefer my bed,” she tells him with a grin that matches his.

“Well, I do love your bed. I might love you just a little bit more though,” he says.

It’s tooth achingly sweet the way the words roll of his tongue so easily and it has her rolling her eyes, but she can’t rid herself of the smile stretched out over her face.

It still amazes her, still makes her head spin, how they can go from talking through such serious topics of conversation, of hashing things out, to teasing one another so playfully, so intimately.

The last few days have made her second guess everything. Her ability to be a cop, to be better, to separate her work life and her personal life with him. She knows it won’t be easy, but she knows they’re going to make it. They’ll make it work.

She doesn’t have much time to dwell on the thought of it not working out with the way he smiles at her still. His eyes soft and glistening with so much love and affection as he stares at her.

“We’re gonna be okay,” Jay says then, as if reading her mind, but she doesn’t even question it. He’s always been able to read her. Know exactly what she’s thinking. Exactly what she needs.

“Yeah, we are,” she agrees with another tight squeeze of their joined hands.

“Come here,” he says with a tug of her hand.

She lifts herself to her knees to crawl the short distance to him and he pulls her down beside him. He helps her settle under the covers, their bare legs tangling together beneath the sheets, and his arms wrap her up in a cocoon of love and safety that only he has ever been able to provide her.

Her head lies against his shoulder and her arm falls across his torso, hand resting on his stomach and their eyes stay on one another in a tender gaze. She drags her fingernails over his skin in feather light caresses and he moves his arm up her shoulder to glide his hand through her hair.

“This is my favorite part of every day,” she mumbles into his shoulder.

“Mine too,” he says, angling his head down to press his lips against her forehead. His lips linger there, pressing into her skin again, then once more before he pulls back to look her in the eyes.

“I wish I could do tonight differently,” she finds herself whispering as she stares at him. “I wish I could take it back.”

He knows instantly by the sound of regret laced in her words and the sudden appearance of sadness clouding her eyes again.

“What’s done is done. Whatever happens as a result, we’ll deal with it together,” he says squeezing her side. A gentle nudge reminding her they’re okay, that he’s got her, that things will be okay.

She turns her face into his shoulder, pressing a kiss against his bicep and moving her hand up to his chest, right over top of where his heart lies under skin and muscle and bone. It beats slowly beneath her palm, another steady, gentle reminder that he’s still there with her, that she hasn’t ruined this, them. That he’s still in it.

He stretches over her for a moment to switch off the lamp on the nightstand on her side, and then his arm falls back around her. He tightens his hold on her just a fraction more around her body as he tilts his head and kisses the top of hers before they settle into the softness of the bed and each other.

She’s always wondered how couples could sleep this way, cuddled together so closely like they show in movies and on television. She had always thought it couldn’t be comfortable for either person, but as she lies in bed with him, nestled under covers with her body pressed up against his and his arms holding her tightly, she realizes she wouldn’t want to fall sleep any other way. Wrapped up beside him is her favorite place to be. Her own little safe haven where nothing can hurt her or cause her pain or make her feel like less of who she is.

She’s never been dependent on anyone. Hasn’t ever needed anyone until him. But it’s not because she’s that kind of person, someone who needs a relationship or a significant other to make her feel better about herself or to quiet the voice in her head that whispers she’s not good enough, not worthy enough.

It’s because he makes her better. Makes her want to be better despite her actions tonight. He makes her feel invincible. Like she could face any battle and win a million times over because he has so much faith and trust in her, so much unwavering love for her.

She’s certain that regardless of everything that has happened over the last few days they really will be okay. That this thing between them is going to last, both their relationship and their partnership, that they’re it for one another. They’re the endgame.

#upstead #upstead fic #upstead fanfiction #hailey upton #jay halstead #chicago pd #hailey x jay #jay x hailey

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dreamingmanip · 3 years

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"MADNESS LOVE"

*GIF NOT MINE*

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Warnings: None (if I need one let me know in my ask!)

Prompt: NONE

Word Count: 1,860

A/N: Okay, this time I didn’t use any prompt from my board on Pinterest. I came with the idea last night (thanks insomnia), and I thought I could make it in 2 parts. Let me know what do you think in my ask, is always open for you. If you want t, like it and reblog it. Thank you very much!

A/N 2: I’m gonna pin this imagine so you can easily find it on my page, I will do the same when posting part 2. :)

A/N 3: This awesome gif is from Pinterest but, it comes from Wattpad. Her account is Ariana-Fic and you can find it in her fic “Soldiers in Intelligence”.

Being a cop wasn't easy, putting your life in danger to protect and serve others sometimes wasn't successful. It was 50/50, every morning you will be walking out home not knowing if you could come back.

It had been three weeks without a person in the unit. Detective Jay Halstead had been wounded in a crossfire in a covert operation; when one of you got hurt everyone took responsibility even if it wasn't that way, only for some it was harder to try not to blame yourself for what happened. You had blamed Hailey for not covering Jay enough even though you knew it wasn't her fault, you even avoided her a few days after that.

She was her partner way long before you were assigned to Intelligence by Sergeant Voight.

Narcotics helped Intelligence in a case; it was your case but somehow their case intertwined with yours at some point, both departments agreed to work to stop the overdoses in the area. You were the best at CO, so it made sense for Sergeant Voight to pick Jay, one of his best undercovers for a purchase. Your skills didn't go unnoticed by anyone in the Intelligence Unit, even for someone with experience like Jay. After the case was over he offered you a spot in his Unit, you doubt it for a moment, you were good in Narcotics, good pay, accumulated vacation days, Voight wasn't known for being a patient person and some co-workers encouraged you to take that step by commenting on how crazy you must be not to accept such an offer.

You were well received by all, perhaps except for Sergeant Trudy Platt, who didn't like strangers or new people in the district. Jay was among the first to congratulate you when you arrived, for a moment you thought you'd be partners but Voight wouldn't break his dream team, so he paired you with Kevin Atwater, whom you've been entrusting your life and darkest secrets to ever since.

Atwater was the first one you told about the nights you stayed late with Jay in Molly's, he was the first to know how those late nights became visiting his apartment, to end up arriving together one morning, to the district. He had told you about Voight's rules and how he was firm with them after Jay's last relationship had gone bad with his partner and that had affected his way of working a bit.

Jay and you decided to go slowly, the only one who would know about you two would be Kevin, it was agreed at least, but Hailey Upton was very good at her job so she soon realized what was happening between you. She had supported you, although she did not agree to hide this from her sergeant, she wanted to see her partner happy.

They were all at their desks, doing paperwork on a case they had closed the day before, when Trudy appeared on the stairs.

"Guess who came back from her mandatory break."

You looked up from the papers in front of you to look at a smiling Jay Halstead, who was looking at Trudy with a raised eyebrow.

"Nice to see you too, Trudy."

"Yeah, now try to get away from the bullets for a while, I don't want to have to worry about any of you for a long time."

Kevin and Adam were the first to approach him, joking and patting him on the shoulder. Kim and Hailey were next, giving him a loving hug before heading back to his places. You had stood up to lean against your desk, your arms crossed over your chest, Jay leaned closer, although he kept some distance, the mocking smile still on his lips. You were the first to speak.

"I see you survived, Halstead."

"Hey, don't say it like that, I'm going to think you're not happy to see me alive."

You pressed your lips together so as not to smile because of his comment, it was the game that both played in front of everyone else, the sarcastic comments to pretend that they were not getting along as well as they should. You nodded and looked at him.

"It's good to have you back."

Jay's smile widened and he put his hands on his hips.

"Look at that, you're happy to have me here."

You rolled your eyes and sat back in your chair when Voight left his office, leaning against the doorframe.

"How are you Jay?"

Jay nodded his head looking at his boss.

"Good, Sarge."

"Good, because I just hung up with the Superintendent and he wants to acknowledge what you did. Tomorrow there will be a public event, downtown."

You all clapped for a moment, before Voight continued speaking.

"Now try not to die until tomorrow."

Without saying more he returned to his office. Jay went to his desk to catch up on all the overdue paperwork, from time to time you looked up to observe him, you were glad to have him back but the moment you knew about the award, you felt a bitter taste in your mouth. Why were they going to decorate him when he almost died?

You stood up and went to the coffee room, took one of the cups on the wall and poured yourself some, you still felt that bitter taste in your mouth. You heard footsteps behind you and looked over your shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

Jay asked, taking another cup, reaching for the pot and pouring himself some coffee as well. You leaned a little to look towards the door, checking that no one was around to hear you. You started to get tired of that, checking over your shoulders to see if no one could hear your conversations or whatever you were doing behind closed doors.

“Uhm, yes, I’m just a little tired. We have been in some paperwork duties from a few cases from the past weeks.”

You took a sip from the cup, making a little grin at the taste of the coffee.

“Well, just for the record, I know when something’s bothering you. We have been together almost a year.”

He looked satisfied with himself, and you couldn’t deny it because he was right, Jay knew you so well almost since day one. You looked at him and gave him a little smile, his mood was good after dealing with a grumpy man at his house because he couldn’t get back to work after being shot, and you definitely didn't want to be the one to screw it up.

Kim walks into the room without realizing the interruption she just made or how you take a little more distance between you two, starts a little chat with Jay and you decide to go back to your desk.

Later, in the locker room, you were finishing picking up some things from your little blue locker, putting them in the gym bag you were carrying that day when Kevin appeared next to you, opening his own locker.

"I don't see you so happy today, you were quiet for most of the day, man you didn't even laugh at Ruzek's nonsense. I thought having Jay back would make you feel better."

You sighed and took a seat on the bench, rubbing your hands over your face before looking at your best friend. You played with your lower lip a bit before speaking.

"Kevin, am I crazy for wanting more in this relationship? I mean, we've worked well without anyone knowing, what difference would it make if we did from the knowledge of Voight, of our friends?"

They both fell silent when an officer entered the room and moments later he left the room, you clenched your fist and struck the cold metal in front of you, you felt frustrated and helpless. Kevin sat next to you, rubbing his hands together as he took his time answering you.

"Y/N, you are a pretty strong woman who knows what she wants, don't let anyone make you feel like you can't, not even some of my friends. If you want, I can talk to him, you know man to man" .

His comment made you laugh a little, releasing a bit of the tension in your chest, you bumped his shoulder with yours, pushing him a little.

"Thanks Kev. I don't think that talk is necessary but I will take it into account for future problems."

"Whenever you need me, girl."

You took your bag, Kevin had helped you lift your spirits but you knew you had to do something with your feelings, for better or for worse.

Jay was in the kitchen when he heard you arrive, a smile formed on his face as he came out to greet you, an ice cold beer in his hand and a hockey game in the background on television. He walked over to you to kiss your forehead, took your bag and set it aside by the door.

"It took you a little longer than usual to get here, I'm sorry I didn't wait for you. Trudy wanted me to fill out some forms for tomorrow and I left earlier."

You couldn't look at Jay without stopping to think about the consequences that your words would have, you knew about his past and you didn't want to be the evil witch who would ruin what you both had until that day. You settled next to him, resting your head on his chest while he watched the game and he made imaginary shapes on the skin of your arm.

It took you a few minutes before you could form a sentence, your voice lacking the strength you had gathered all the way to his apartment.

"Jay, what if we tell Voight we're together?"

Your voice caught his attention, looking at you completely confused.

"Y/N, we both know that we can't say anything at the moment if we want to continue working in the same unit."

You slowly sat up again, turning a little so you could face him, Jay was sure of what he was saying, it showed in his face and in the confidence with which he had spoken.

"Jay, I'm tired of having to hide from everyone, like what we're doing is wrong. Voight will understand if-"

"I've been through this before Y/N, I know what I'm talking about. I also refused to hide my thing with Erin, but things changed. If we tell this to Voight he will remove someone from the team and we know it will not be me."

You felt the air come out of your lungs, as if someone had hit you, Jay realized his mistake when you stood up, he began to move his head trying to speak, he left the beer on the coffee table trying to take your hand .

"Y/N, it's not what- it's not what I meant ..."

Unaware of your movements, you started to take your things in a frenzy, Jay seemed to be talking to you but you couldn't identify his words or what he was trying to tell you, you just left.

To be continued...

#Jay Halstead #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x you #chicago pd #chicago pd imagine #hailey upton #kevin atwater #hank voight #adam ruzek #kim burgess #molly's bar

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equalseleventhirds · 3 years

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Annabelle has always been scared.

Of her mother, and her moods. Of her siblings, both older and younger. Of being blamed for things. Of being unimportant. Of being worthless. Of being abandoned.

Of spiders.

She’s scared when she goes to university. What if she doesn’t fit in? What if the teachers hate her? What if she can’t keep up? What if money runs out, and she can’t afford the books, the dorm, the campus food?

She’s scared of the study she volunteers for, but more than that she’s scared of what might happen if she isn’t involved in extracurriculars, if she doesn’t curry favor with teachers and older students, if she’s seen as unsociable and unhelpful.

(Worthless, unimportant, abandoned...)

She’s scared of what’s happening to her body, to her mind, to the other students in the study. Scared of the way her fingers scuttle and her legs bend, scared of her dreams and the way they change. Scared of how she knows where the others are, now, all the time. Especially at night.

She’s scared the broken window will cut her when she climbs through, but she does it anyway, because she must, and she’s scared of that, too. Then she’s scared that the cleaner saw them and is going to stop them from leaving.

And suddenly his hands are on his own throat, and as much as that frightens her, it’s also a relief.

(Until something slams into her and it all goes--)

She spends the next few years still scared, but there’s a purpose to it now. A rhythm. Fear scuttles up her spine, but it doesn’t just stay there, spinning and rotting away inside her; it pushes her towards things. Usually towards scaring other people, like the cleaner, like Mark. Once towards an old man who she makes dance. Eventually it has her build a website, and things get a little easier then, as long as she doesn’t think too hard about it.

(She thinks about it. It wants her to. But only sometimes.)

Hill Top House scares her, too, with its empty rooms and dust and the taste of death and disappearance and burning in her mouth, but the Archivist finding her, hunting her down and asking her questions and blaming her for his own hunger, that scares her more. And the fear dancing on her spine says yes, that’s right, scare him off.

She calls him Jon, when she writes her statement.

It can be nice to have a name, sometimes.

It’s only a few months later when the sky blinks open, and she’s never been more scared in her life.

Fear doesn’t just live on her spine, now, but all around her, all the time. It’s the air in her lungs and the earth beneath her feet and the people in her domain, and she can’t escape any more than they can.

...can’t she?

(Even in this new world, fear can still push her. If she asks. She’s gotten good at asking in just the right way. She’s had practice.)

Upton house is.... less frightening than the rest of the world, although she’s afraid that Mikaele will kick her out. But he lets her stay, smiles at her, plays the piano, eats her cooking.

It’s been... a long time since she had a roommate.

(She still has so many things to do, because the fear is still out there, and it won’t let her go, even if it can’t quite catch proper hold of her with the camera. She has plans to make. Phone calls, too.)

The Archivist, as weakened as he is when he shows up, still sends that frisson of fear up her spine. Part of it’s just him being himself, but she also knows that his arrival means her own departure is coming soon, her plans in motion, and isn’t that terrifying?

She knows what Mikaele wants, from her, before she leaves.

She spends the journey scared of the Archivist spotting her, or spotting the moving gap in his awareness, or just. Finding her. Somehow. It’s a relief that he never does.

London scares her, but London has always scared her, a bit. She did grow up in Norfolk.

She’s scared that she won’t have a chance to talk to Martin. She should’ve been scared to talk to him. He does carry knives, and he is not in a very good mood, and so she has to talk very fast. At least she’s good at that.

“Why,” he says, glaring at her, not putting the knife down, “should I believe anything you just told me? Why the hell would you want to, to stop this? Why?”

Annabelle takes a breath and, for once, tells the truth. Just that. Plain and simple.

“Because I’m scared, Martin.”

#jonny have u considered: i care annabelle cane #jonny also have u considered: she has Parallels To Jon #and should be just as scared and desperate to escape as he is #(this is a good reason for martin to help her i think. i think so. hey jonny. hey they could be friends.)#anyway uh #fanfiction #algie writes things #tma spoilers #death mention #spiders mention #idk what else to tag this lmk if i missed anything #i haven't eaten dinner i should do that

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fangirlings-things · 3 years

Text

Chicago PD Preference: When they first realize they're in love with you

requested by anon || A/N: hope you like it, love 💖 || tag list: @imaginesofyourfandom ; @regalbanshee

Jay Halstead— he would realize he loved you for the first time after you got injured on the job, during an operation that went terribly wrong. He blamed himself deeply for not being there to protect you when he had to, being your partner at Intelligence. He would be scared to death that you wouldn't pull through and he wouldn't even be able to tell you about how he felt. At the end you did manage to survive, and he couldn't even contain his relief when he stood at the door of your room at Med and saw you still asleep from the surgery.

"(Y/N)'s going to be fine" his brother, Will, said as he stood beside Jay at the corridor. He could see it in his brother's eyes just how much he cared for you. "You have nothing to worry about"

"Don't I?" Jay echoed, still a bit under shock as he watched you, eyes not leaving your being for even a second. He seemed to fear you would disappear if he looked away.

"No, you don't" Will placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it tenderly. "Hey" only then, Jay looked at his face. "You will be able to tell (Y/N) how you feel" at that, Jay flashed him a small grateful smile.

The idea of telling you in the future, did excite him.

Adam Ruzek— he would come to terms with his feelings for you one night when he saw someone hitting on you at Molly's. Jealousy would unexpectedly take a deep hold on him and that would make him see that it wasn't just friendship, what you two had. At least, that wasn't all he wanted. He wanted to be with you, to love you. And so, he would make it his goal to have the courage to tell you just how he really felt.

"What happened there?" he asked you with a emotionless expression on his face as he sat at your table, pretending he did not care while referring to the someone who had just walked away from you not looking too happy.

"Didn't feel like it" you shrugged, smiling at him before taking a long sip of your beer. "What about you, Ruzek? Not leaving with anyone tonight?"

Adam smiled before shrugging just like you had done. "No, I'm happy to just spend the night here drinking with you"

You smiled widely and raised your beer in the air. "Well, cheers to that"

Antonio Dawson— he would realize how he felt about it when you comforted him during a really bad case. No other members of the unit had even noticed that it got to him that hard, but you did. When he excused himself and went to the precinct's parking lot, you followed right into his car and just waited. For him to talk, to have the time of silence he needed. Whatever it was that he was going to do to get over it, you wanted him to know that he could count on you. And for him, that mattered more than you could ever imagine.

"We should get back there" he would say after sometime, where you both just stayed there in the silence. He motioned to get out of the car, but you gently grabbed his forearm, making him stop.

"Hey" you waited until he fall back against the seat again and looked at you to continue speaking. "Voight won't care if we are just a few minutes away. We don't have anything new yet"

"That's exactly what worries me" Antonio said in something that was just a little above a whisper, with a heavy sight that put out all of his frustration.

Instead of saying something else you reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly as you watched his face. You gave him a small smile, made him know that you were there, whatever happened. With his heart filled with joy in the middle of that chaos, he was able to smile back at you.

Kevin Atwater— he would realize he had feelings for you unexpectedly, during a day when you showed up a bit late for work because you had stopped by to buy them all donuts and coffee. Your smile as you gave everyone the little gifts, the laughter you let out when Voight wasn't able to hide how much he had liked his coffee, all of that suddenly got to him like a punch in the face. He liked you, a lot. And honestly, he didn't know if he would be able to hide it for too long.

"I was beginning to think you had forgotten me" Kevin said when you got to him, as he leaned against his desk with a smile on his lips just by watching you.

"How could I?" you smiled back at him, while reaching to the inside of the donuts box. "This one is for you" you gave him a apparently delicious cinnamon twist.

"Oh, come on, you do know you are playing with my heart here, right?" he let the words leave his mouth in a rush, before he could even stop himself or rethink the sentence. His tone was filled with irony, but the meaning behind those words... that was quite true.

You smiled, shrugging slightly. "Good"

Hank Voight— he would realize how he felt about you after a very successful case, having just them taken notice of his how good you worked and functioned together. That smoothness that surrounded you both, the way you were both really comfortable around each other and how you did not hesitate to fight him when he was wrong, unlike others, all those things opened his eyes for the fact that what he felt for you was more than just Sargeant affection towards a subordinate.

"This went better than I expected" you said, going to stand by his Hank's side at the sidewalk. Your arms were crossed over your chest as you watched the criminal that just got busted by Intelligence be placed into the patrol car.

"You did good police work, (Y/N)" he smiled, eyes going to the criminal just for seconds later to go back to you. Somehow, his eyes always kept going back to you.

"Thank you, Sarge" you said, almost unable to hide how proud of yourself you were in that moment. Deep down, you tried to not make it a big deal just how much a compliment from him meant to you.

Erin Lindsay— her feelings would finally make sense to her after seeing you with your family one day after shift. She noticed all the love and caring you guys shared and being someone who did not have that kind of love for a great part of her life, it made her happy to see that you had that. You seemed to shine when you where with the people you loved and that made her want to be one of those people, to be able to put that kind of smile on your face just by being there, beside you.

"Hey, Lindsay, you want to join us for dinner?" you asked while having your arm joined with your mother's, a welcoming smile in both of your faces.

"I want her to go!" your little cousin said, while looking up at Erin with those childish, big curious eyes that melted her heart.

When she answered, she was looking directly at you. "I would love that"

Kim Burgess— she would realize how she really felt about you after you spent a whole day together on a lookout, outside a suspect's house, sharing food and talking about the most random things possible while simultaneously, working on the case. The easy conversation, good vibe and the comfort you found in open up to each other would make her have to think hard on how she felt, which would lead to further realization

"Did I tell you about the day me and Adam made a drinking contest against some of the firefighters from firehouse 51 at Molly's?" you asked, right before taking a sip of your orange juice. Your eyes checked the suspect's house, everything was clear.

Kim on the driver's seat, turned her head towards you with a smile on her lips. It amazed her, how you seemed to always have something funny or interest to say. Made her want to hear what you had to say all the time. "You did not, but now you'll have to"

You laughed, then started off, excitedly, while remembering what happened on the said day. "So, me and Adam had been drinking alone for some time and then, Cruz comes along..."

Hailey Upton— she would realize how she felt for you when during an interrogation you two were leading together, you got threatened by the suspect. It would drive her mad, to have that person even thinking about hurting you in any way. The very enraged look they had upon you would make her want to do something reckless or eve stupid, something that would take them away from you. Anything. All that protectiveness and worry, she realized, was not just friendship. Couldn't be.

"I can't believe they had the nerve to threaten you" she said more to herself then to you, when you both walked out of the interrogation room together. The expression on her face was furious. "To say that, to even think about—" she interrupted herself with a heavy sight, looking at everywhere but you.

"It's okay, Hailey, really. I've received worse threats before" you tried to make a bit of a joke to easy the tension, but she was having none of it. You could see the anger and worry in her eyes. "Hey, hey" you touched her shoulder gently, making her stop and look at you. "Everything's fine"

Hailey nodded for a moment and you thought she was going to let it go, but then she walked straight towards you and held you tightly in a hug. You smiled softly, glad for her being so protective. Little did you know, all her feelings for you were now very clear on her mind.

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voiceless-terror · 3 years

Text

my magnus finale and season five thoughts under the cut!

I’ll preface this by saying there were a lot of things I loved about this finale, and none of this is intended to start a debate or fight! It’s simply my feelings about what happened, and everyone’s entitled to their own (and entitled to love/hate what happened!). I totally respect how much others adored this and the wonderful art that’s coming of it. These are, again, just my own thoughts.

I really loved the first half of this. After Jon’s compliance in the last episode (that I found a bit troubling), I was really glad to see that he made the decision to confront Jonah himself and stuck by the idea of not dooming the other worlds. For one, I think it would have been narratively unsatisfying to have Martin be the one to kill Jonah- because let’s face it, while all the assistants have good reason to, this was really Jon’s confrontation to have. And I loved it! The conversation, Jonah begging not to die, and Jon saying - for Sasha, for Tim, hell, even for Gertrude. He never forgets Jonah’s victims or his own friends, and that’s such a core part of his character.

And I loved the statement. I was hoping we’d get one last one, and this one knocked it out of the park for me. Pupil!Jon is top hot Jon moments, and no I will not be taking questions on this. The soundscaping in this entire episode was brilliant.

I’ll start off by saying I understand narratively why the second half happened. It does make sense to me - that Jon’s final wishes end up being undercut by his love for Martin, and the last moments for me are desperately romantic and sad and lovely and I’m glad that they happened- it leaves so much room for us as an audience to decide what we think happened, and how to go from there. It’s a real gift to creators and though I for one will probably not be able to touch the finale for awhile, writing-wise, I am already itching to write some of my other projects!

But it happened so quickly for me. The pacing and change of heart is so about-face, mostly because of the situation- everything’s crumbling, we don’t really have time for much, if any dialogue. But Jon’s abrupt switch in plans when he was so committed to not dooming the multi-verse, the quick conversation of ‘oh we didn’t trust you so we already started going ahead with it,’ the whole thing was a bit rushed for me, and I think the pacing of this last arc has left a lot to be desired, personally. Again, I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense in its own way, I just don’t think the pacing of this season was the best that it could’ve been.

What also has been bothering me this season is Jon and Martin’s relationship (again, this is a personal take, it’s not something I expect everyone to agree with, at all). Martin’s not a character who was an initial fave for me at all, but I grew to love and appreciate him so that by the end of season four, I was really invested in Jon and Martin’s relationship and arc! It felt real and organic to me, and it was something to fight for. This stays mostly true for the first part of the season.

But then it gets a bit murky for me. We get the constant schtick of Martin going ‘a statement? Again?’ and this almost constant uncomfortable tension between him and Jon that never sat right with me. He wants Jon to not push any decisions on him, he doesn’t want to hear any statements, he wants his boundaries respected, but he doesn’t really do the same in regards to Jon. While I know the stress of the apocalypse is definitely a factor, it didn’t seem very ‘Martin’ to me, or at least the Martin that’s grown and changed since the first season. There’s a difference between going from being a wallflower to being assertive, and maybe because he’s never had a chance to really be confident and self assured, he doesn’t know how to do it in a way that isn’t a little hurtful. And while these can be normal and realistic parts of a relationship that are in some cases addressed, it’s realistic for me in a way that I don’t feel comfortable with. The way Martin is the one who pushes the ‘kill bill’ arc, especially in the Simon episode where he pretty much commands Jon to kill Simon, and his non-apology at the end of that episode (and the eventual fight where he accuses Jon of being the one to ‘enjoy it too much’). The time at Upton house that for me, is just uncomfortable knowing that Jon is actively dying and by the end, Martin doesn’t seem to realize it until he’s told (and then, when Jon says ‘was I wrong to hold off?’ Martin says no, that he enjoyed the time, and I just don’t think that Martin would ever condone that sort of self-sacrificial shit from Jon, as we see later on in the season!!). And then the fight, where Martin says some pretty awful and untrue things, and runs off with Annabelle- these are all things that could be forgiven, and are! But the apologies from Martin have all been lackluster with a tinge of ‘well I was right, wasn’t I?’ and the narrative doesn’t dispute that, and in fact seems to want us to side with some of his more (in my opinion) impulsive and not very great decisions. Jon very rarely fights back against him, and the times he has, its almost framed as if what he says/his transgressions are worse. I think if Jon acted in the way Martin did for some of this season, fandom would riot. But it's Martin, so he seems to get a free pass to act this way and have it be framed in a much better light. This is again, my own opinion about the text, I’m not saying anyone that disagrees with me is wrong. It’s just how it came off to me, and as someone who has been in relationships with similar sort of issues (on a very non apocalyptic scale, of course) it didn’t sit right with me.

So in the end, Jon goes off to confront Jonah on his own, which some are calling stupid or impulsive. But it’s not to me- this is Jon’s moral compass, and he’s sticking by it. For him to go along with the plan would be wildly out of character, and I’m glad he did this. The way it ended was ultimately satisfying to me, and leaves room for a lot of interpretation. But the way it got there wasn’t really what I wanted. And I say this as someone who really does enjoy jonmartin, and will continue to do so! I hope in a thousand fix it fics they get to talk and go to therapy and work on these issues on their own. But the way Jon and Martin’s relationship was presented over this season wasn’t comfortable for me, the trust issues and lack of communication was never resolved and I’m sort of disappointed with that overall.

I’m glad we got the ending we did, and I’m going to continue to love these guys for a good while yet. This is, again, not intended to start a debate, I don’t want to fight or engage with anyone like that because I really do respect everyone’s opinions on this season and final arc, and these are just my own thoughts. You are well within your rights to disagree with me on these things! But I just thought I’d share my own feelings about this last season. I’ve loved these characters for a really long time, and I’ve been listening since the end of 2017 so I have a lot of thoughts to sit with right now. But I’ll still definitely be writing and in this fandom for the long haul...especially if I want to reconcile the things I didn’t particularly vibe with xD

Hnnn back to my regularly scheduled posting, sorry for the long rambling thoughts.

#rye rambles #im not going to tag this obvi #but it was cathartic to write #sort of tma negative? but not an indictment of anything #because there was a lot to enjoy #but some things that really made me fjgfdkgl #feel free to ignore #this is long #i also tried to phrase this in the most non combative way possible and that may be annoying but i just dont need hate in my inbox tbh #this is all i will be posting about this cause i dont want this blog to be takes

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carissalizz · 3 years

Text

Girls' Night

Prompt: Kim and Hailey have girls night (because we need this friendship) and Jay text Hailey about waiting at home when kim saw and get all excited and ask for details (@vechnyy100714)

Hailey walked out of her bathroom, dressed in black leather pants and a blue cropped top, and walked towards her bed where Jay sat. He was busy on his phone but when he heard the footsteps, he looked up and his jaw fell to the floor. Hailey noticed this and gave a little twirl, giggling at his expression.

"Man, my girlfriend is hot!" Jay stood up and hollered, eyeing her.

Hailey just rolled her eyes and went to get her phone and her clutch, but Jay had other plans. He hugged her from behind, placing his hands on her waist and whispered in her ear.

"You wanna rethink this night out with Burgess so you can stay with your hot boyfriend?"

She turned around, still in his arms, and playfully hit him on the shoulder. "Jay!"

"What?" His playful grin on full display, just for her. Another eye roll from Hailey and she wriggled out of his grasp.

"Kim and I haven't had a girls night since Vanessa left. It's not going to be the same without V forcing us to throw down shots but we agreed to hang out more to get away from all the testosterone in this unit."

Their banter continued all the way out to the living room, where Hailey was putting on her heels, something that she doesn't wear often but Jay finds it extremely attractive. Helping Hailey put on her leather jacket, he said "you sure you don't need a ride?"

"Yes babe" she placed a light kiss on his lips. "My uber's almost here."

"I thought I was your personal uber?" Jay made a pouty face and kissed Hailey once more. The both chuckled and Hailey's phone vibrated in her hand, signaling that her ride was here.

"I gotta go, love you." She smiled.

"Love you too, babe. Be safe and call if you need me." One last hug and Hailey was out the door.

Kim and Hailey met at the same bar that they always went to for girls night with Vanessa.

"It's weird isn't it? To not have Rojas here?" Kim asked, sipping her cocktail.

"Yea. She was always the one forcing us to do shots and dance on the dance floor." Hailey sighed and followed suit, sipping her own cocktail. "I miss her."

"Me too. I'm sure she's doing well undercover. That girl can really act." The two women laughed at the memory of Vanessa acting as if she was getting married to get free shots at this very bar.

Not long after, Hailey's phone buzzed again and Kim rolled her eyes. "You're not gonna check your phone? That's the fourth time it buzzed within five minutes."

Hailey shrugged, knowing that it was Jay. Without warning, kim grabbed her clutch and took out her phone, much to Hailey's disapproval. "Kim!"

"Care to explain why is Halstead texting you that he's waiting for you? At home?! Hailey Upton!" Hailey's eyed widened as kim read out the messages that Jay sent her. Thankfully none that were inappropriate, she made a mental note.

"Uhhhhh well, Jay sort of um... We're living together." The blonde blurted the last part of her statement before her brain could process what she was saying. The look on the Burgess's face was priceless and Hailey could not help the wide smile forming on her face.

"You and Jay what? Oh my gosh that's why you guys ride in together ever damn day now! I though it was because Halstead was clingy!" Kim exclaimed and they both broke down laughing. The bartender stared at the two, sliding a tray of shots over. "On the house."

Kim quickly realised that the bartender thought that they were going through something and took full advantage of free shots.

"To Vanessa and her introducing us to this amazing bar!" She raised her shot glass and Hailey did the same. "To Vanessa."

Kim immediately picked up another glass and yelled "to Hailey and Jay finally getting their shit together!"

Stumbling out of their shared uber, Hailey bid farewell to her friend and walked towards her building. Their uber driver was Vanessa's friend and he was always the one who got the girls home safely, which was why Hailey was fine with Kim, who was way more drunk that herself, going home alone with him.

Hailey reached her apartment door and leaned against it, searching for her keys. Without warning, the door opened.

"Jay? Hi babe!" He caught her before she fell to the ground.

"Hi Hails. It seems to me like you had a lot of fun with Kim." He helped his girl inside, locking the door behind them, and they sat in the couch. Drunk Hailey gave a brief rundown of how her night went before saying that she was tired and wanting to go to bed. Her boyfriend knew that future Hailey would regret not taking a shower so he offered to help her.

While he shampooed her blonde locks, Hailey muttered "Kim knows we're living together" and Jay laughed, realising that it was his texts that blew their cover. "You okay with that?"

"Hails, they all knew were together and they're bound to find out about me moving in sooner or later. So, I'm fine with Kim knowing."

Jay, being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, got Hailey and himself ready for bed. He carried her to bed and tucked her in on her side of the bed, seeing as she was too tired to even walk without tripping. He got into his side and pulled Hailey close to him. She rested her head against his chest and he ran his fingers through her hair.

"Night, Jay."

"Sweet dreams, baby girl. I love you."

Hope you enjoyed this fic!! I had slot of fun writing this one. Feel free to drop nay prompts or ideas in my inbox! If you want to be added to my tag list, drop a comment :)

Tags: @imjustwritingg @anna-justice @anniesardors @itsdesiree86 @angelsjedi @chilly7188

#upstead #chicago pd upstead #chicago pd #jay halstead #hailey upton #kim burgess #upgess #girls night #upstead au #upstead fanfiction #upstead fic #upstead fanfic #jesse lee soffer #tracy spiridakos #marina squerciati #upton x halstead #Burgess and Upton need more screen time together #Hailey and Kim are best friends #Jay Halstead is the best boyfriend

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journalofimprobablethings · 3 years

Text

When Martin wakes up in those slow, golden mornings at Upton House, it sometimes takes him a moment to remember where he is.

The first morning--the first real morning, not the strange, groggy awakening after their seventy-hour collapse--he thought they were back in Scotland. He thought, for a brief, heady moment, that everything that had happened since he left Jon to read that statement had been a dream--just one long, awful nightmare. That he would go downstairs to their tiny kitchen and make tea and Jon would sleepily stumble down a few minutes later and join him at the window, wrapping his arms tight around Martin's waist, and together they would watch the mist burn off over the fields of grass and heather and no horrors. That the quiet, fragile life they'd built there still existed.

It didn't last, of course. All too soon, he remembered where he was, and everything that had happened to get them there. But Martin treasures the memory of that feeling, and all the small moments of normalcy they have stolen in the last few days here. They may not be in Scotland, but they have gotten to sleep--in a bed--and he has savored every moment where he gets to wake up under soft covers, Jon's limbs sprawled across him with an abandon he only ever achieves in sleep.

This morning, when Martin wakes, Jon is on his own side of the bed for once, no arms tossed across Martin's chest or legs tangled with his--but he still holds one of Martin's hands clasped lightly on the pillows between them, fingers loosely linked. Martin lets out a deep sigh of something dangerously close to contentment, and rolls over to face Jon.

Jon's eyes are open, as always. (It had taken some getting used to, Jon sleeping with his eyes open. Martin will never tell Jon how much it unnerves him.) Now, though, Jon's eyes are alert, awake. He is looking at Martin with a sort of quiet wonder, a perfect reflection of what Martin feels whenever he rolls over and sees Jon next to him and realizes, all over again, that this is real.

"Good morning," Martin murmurs softly.

"Good morning," Jon says, and he says it like it's the most miraculous sentence in the world. In a way, with everything they’ve been through, it is.

Martin leans in to kiss Jon, soft and slow with sleep. He takes his time, because he can do that here, because just for this moment they are together and safe from monsters and they can have this.

Jon starts, just a little, when Martin's lips meet his, and when he returns Martin's kiss he is gentle and cautious, as though he is afraid he will break Martin if he moves too fast. It reminds Martin a little of how he was in those first days in Scotland, when they were both still moving so slowly, feeling out boundaries, still in awe that this was happening at all. Then he pulls away all at once, his breath slightly ragged.

"You all right?" Martin asks.

Jon nods. "Yes. I just...it's a bit..." He frowns a little, the frown he gets when he's trying to find the right way to phrase something.

Martin thinks he knows what he means. "I know, I'm still not used to it. Being in someone else's house."

Jon's frown deepens, and Martin reaches up, unthinking, to smooth his thumb over the crease between Jon's brows.

"I mean, not that I think that Annabelle or Salesa would walk in on us or anything," he says, "but--"

"Annabelle?"

Jon's voice is suddenly sharp. He leans away from Martin's hand, propping himself up on one elbow so he can look at him properly.

“Annabelle Cane? She’s here?”

It's like someone has poured ice water down the back of Martin's neck.

He looks up at Jon, scrutinizing his face. His expression holds confusion and apprehension but none of the vagueness that's been creeping over him the past few days, the symptoms of being cut off from the Eye. He looks lucid, fully present.

Still, Martin has to fight to keep his voice steady as he answers.

"Ye-yeah. She let us in, remember? She's staying here, in Salesa's house. He told us about it that first day. Uninvited houseguest, and all that."

Jon shakes his head.

"Annabelle. Of course." He flops back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Can't get away from the Web even in my dreams. Should've known there would be something else when this wasn't a statement."

Wait.

Dreams?

A sick swoop of anxiety passes through Martin, like an electric current.

"Jon, this isn't--you know you're awake right now, right?"

Jon laughs, low and mirthless.

"No, I'm not."

You--you are, though. This is real, this isn't a dream." Martin gives a small, nervous laugh. "I--I know it feels a bit like one, after everything, but--"

"Yes, it is," Jon says, with absolute certainty. "This is a dream. It has to be."

"Why?"

Martin is so afraid of the answer, but he has to ask.

Jon looks at Martin then, with such sadness and longing in his eyes that Martin can barely stand to hold his gaze. "I wouldn't be here with you otherwise."

“What are you talking about, of course you--” Martin stops, a sudden horrible thought coming to him as he thinks again of how Jon has been the last few days, staring off into space, tailing off in the middle of sentences.

"Jon, what's the last thing you remember? Before you--before now?"

Jon's brow furrows. "I...I went to sleep in the Archives. On the cot, for once. Was too tired to avoid it any longer. I never thought--I didn't think I got to dream about good things, anymore." He looks up at Martin, that same sad and longing look. "This is a nice change."

Martin takes a deep breath, trying to tamp down the growing panic clawing at his throat.

"I miss you, Martin," Jon continues. He doesn't seem to notice Martin's quickening breath beside him. "I know you said we have to stay apart, and I trust you, I do, but--god. I miss you. There are so many things I never--things I should have realized, should have said sooner, and now..."

Jon trails off, his eyes roving Martin's face as though he's trying to memorize it. Normally, Martin would blush under that seeking gaze, soaking in Jon's keen attention. But now his mind is too busy spinning over Jon's words and their implications.

It's worse now than losing the thread of a conversation--Jon is losing time. He's forgetting. If the last thing he remembers is the Archives, is Martin falling deeper under Peter's influence, then that means--

Oh, god." Martin sits up so abruptly that his head spins. Next to him Jon's forehead creases in worry.

"Martin?"

It means Jon's forgotten the Lonely, pulling Martin out of that beach,

He's forgotten Scotland, the cottage, those three weeks of stolen peace,

He's forgotten the Change, and everything they've been through since.

"God, no. Shit."

"Martin, what's wrong?"

"We have to get you out of here."

Martin throws off the covers and makes to get out of bed, but Jon's hand shoots out and grabs his arm as he starts to get up.

“No, Martin, please. I’m sorry. If I said something wrong, I’m sorry. But please, I don’t know how long this will last. I want to stay with you. Please.”

Martin forces himself to stop, to slow, to turn and place his hand over Jon's where it's clutching at his arm.

“I’m not going anywhere, Jon. I swear, I will never leave you. But we have to get out of this house. Now.”

“Why? Is there something here?" Jon gives a sharp, bitter laugh. “Of course. That didn’t take long. Nightmare, is it?”

"No, no, it’s not like that, but--all that stuff--with Peter, and the Archives--that was months ago.” His mouth twists. “Or, well--I’m not really sure how long ago it was; time doesn’t really work anymore, but it’s been a long time and--”

He can hear the hysteria creeping into his own voice, register rising and words beginning to trip over each other as they crowd out of his mouth too quickly. He stops, closing his eyes for just a second, wishing his heart would stop its hummingbird-fast beat in his chest.

When he opens his eyes, Jon is staring at him. His hands are fisted tight in the blankets and his eyes are so wide that Martin can see the whites all around his irises.

“Martin, what are you saying?”

I’m saying that you're not dreaming, Jon. You're awake. You've just--there's something here messing with your mind, something making you forget."

“You’re serious?”

“Yes.”

Jon’s hands clutch the blankets tighter, and he frowns.

"You realize this is a very dream-like conversation."

Martin can’t help but smile a little at the hint of dry skepticism in Jon’s voice. He knows Jon well enough to know that that skepticism is a defense mechanism, a wall he puts up to protect himself against something that he’s not quite ready to admit he believes.

He reaches out and takes Jon’s hands in his, gently untangling his fingers from their tight grip on the quilt. Jon starts a little at the contact, but he doesn’t resist.

"Jon, you've been dreaming nothing but statements for months. Years, now. Why would it have suddenly changed?"

That crease reappears between Jon’s brows, and he looks down at where his fingers are entwined with Martin’s, as though the tangle of their fingers is a puzzle he can solve, if he only looks at it hard enough.

"I--yes. You're right, I...So this is...Martin?"

Martin smiles when Jon’s eyes meet his and squeezes his hand reassuringly.

"Hi."

"You're really here. This is really happening."

"Yes."

"So then how--where--" Jon's eyes widen. "The Eye, I can't--Martin, where--"

"It's alright, Jon. Just breathe."

Jon's eyes are wide and his hands clutching Martin's so tight it hurts a little, but he does as Martin says and sucks several deep breaths.

"Why can't I feel it? We didn't--did we find a way to quit? Another way?"

Martin's heart cracks open at the hope in Jon's eyes. The light at the idea that somehow, they were able to get away. What are a few memories, he can see Jon thinking, if they are free?

He wishes so badly that he could give a better answer, that he doesn't have to extinguish that light.

"No," he says quietly. No, we didn't.”

He hates the way Jon slumps in on himself at his words, the momentary electricity that had flowed through him at the idea of escape suddenly cut off.

"We're in a place the Eye can't reach us." he says gently. "Temporarily."

"Right. You--you mentioned Annabelle. And Mikaele Salesa? I thought he was dead."

Martin can't help a small laugh. "He faked his death. This is his house."

"Salesa's house? But why? Why are we here, why would the Eye not be able to--"

Jon stops. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, visibly pushing down the torrent of questions, sorting through them to find the one that matters.

"What exactly have I forgotten?”

#tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #jonmartin #upton house #tma season 5 spoilers #tma season 5 #this is the first part of a longer thing but the rest of it has been giving me grief and i like this bit #so i thought i'd post it #why not #angst #cw memory loss #scribblings

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study-coffee-chicago · 3 years

Text

1930s AU (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister + Upstead AU for AU-gust)

A/N: Hopefully this one pops up in the tags now! Sorry to the few people who already liked/reblogged this, but it’d really help me out if you liked/reblogged this one since I’m deleting the one I posted last night. Anyway, the italics at the beginning are essentially "present-day" for the characters (which, in my time frame of the story would be 1945) and the regular font would be a "flashback"...but since the flashback is essentially the whole story which takes place during the early 1930s, I wrote it in regular font. Just didn't want you guys to be confused! Here’s the playlist I listened to while writing this if you want to listen while reading (did not create the playlist myself, I found it): an old fashioned diner jukebox. Anyway, enjoy!

You walked towards the little house that had been your home since you were six years old. "Hey old girl," you said as you petted your horse's head. "I'll see you in the morning, okay? I know Jay and Hailey are awake waiting for me and are probably worried, aren't they?" Your horse picked up her hoof and gave it one good stomp. "I thought so. I'll feed you some sugar cubes in the morning. I'll even give you extra because it'll be Christmas." You gave her one more caress and then walked up to the door of the house.

You used your key to unlock the door and were not at all surprised to see Hailey and Jay in deep conversation.

"Hailey, if she's not here in the next hour, I'm calling the train station. She was supposed to be here yesterday. And it's not like it's that long of a ride."

"Well, luckily you won't have to call," you said as you sat your two suitcases on the floor.

"Y/N! You don't know how worried sick we were," Jay said as he hustled over to you and pulled you into a hug.

"To be fair," Hailey began, "he was more worried than I was."

"Aww, you still worry about me when I'm nineteen," you said as Jay pulled away and Hailey hugged you. "I'm flattered, Jay, really."

"How's betternanian school?" Jay asked with a teasing glint in his eyes.

"Would you give that joke a rest? I was six and didn't know how to properly pronounce veterinarian."

"That probably won't happen."

"How's Natalie?" Hailey asked. "Is she doing okay that Will's away and all her kids are married or at college across the country?"

When you decided to go to veterinarian school, you chose one close to Will and Natalie and they let you stay with them. Then, World War 2 broke out and Will went overseas to work as a doctor in a combat hospital. Natalie's twin boys were both off at separate medical schools across the country, intent on following in their father's footsteps and becoming doctors themselves, and their daughter was married now and living with her husband.

"She's doing as well as expected," you told them. "It helps that Elizabeth and her husband, James, come over for dinner once every week so at least Natalie's seeing one of her children. And, I guess having me around helps mitigate the loneliness. The twins are home from college now for a month's break, so she'll have them there right now, too."

You looked around under the Christmas tree and you spotted a big object covered with a bedsheet.

"Is this what I think it is?" you asked as you walked closer to it.

"It is," Jay confirmed as you lifted the sheet and saw the old rocking horse you used to ride on. Jay had made sure to get you another one when you moved here as the one from Chicago you couldn't bring with you.

"I haven't ridden it since I was eight. You kept it all these years?"

"Right up in the attic," Hailey answered. "We figured it would be the perfect Christmas present for Lilly since she's six now."

"You want something to eat?" Jay asked. "We should probably get out of here and close the doors since all the gifts are wrapped in case Lilly or Anna come to find us."

You grabbed your suitcases and the three of you walked out of the living room and closed the doors.

"Mind if I eat a few of these?" you asked, pointing to the plate of cookies for Santa that Lilly and Anna had placed by the fireplace.

"Go right ahead," Jay told you. But then he heard giggles. "Wait."

You took a step away from the cookies and milk.

"I think we should go check on them," Jay said.

So, the three of you walked down the hall and to the bedroom that the girls shared. "I'll do the honors," you said.

You slowly pushed open the door.

"Now, girls, I thought you were supposed to be asleep."

Eleven-year-old Anna and six-year-old Lilly gasped. "Auntie Y/N!" they exclaimed and rushed out of their respective beds and you first gave Anna a hug and then crouched down to give Lilly one as well.

"Mommy and Daddy said you might not get here in time," Anna told you.

"They did? Well, I'm here now and tomorrow we can play all day with what Santa brought you. But right now, I think you two need to go to sleep so that Santa will come," you said.

"But you just got here!" Lilly complained.

"Yeah!" Anna agreed. Then she gasped. "Can you tell us a story, Auntie Y/N?"

You looked to Jay and Hailey, silently asking if it was okay to let your two nieces stay awake longer. Jay nodded.

"What story do you want tonight?" you asked as you sat down on the rug in the middle of the room and Lilly sat in your lap.

"How Mommy and Daddy met!" Lilly exclaimed.

"You already know that one, Lil," Hailey said as she and Jay sat down and Anna sat between her two parents.

"But it's so good, Mommy!" Anna said. "Please just one more time, please?"

"Oh, alright," Jay caved. "I don't know how much Aunt Y/N will remember since she was your age, Lil, but me and Mommy can definitely tell you the story."

Lilly leaned into you and you ran your hands absentmindedly through her blond hair while Jay started to tell his and Hailey's story of true love and hard times.

***

"Bye, Y/N, I gotta go to work," your big brother said as he woke you up.

"Is Miss Rosalie here?" you asked.

"She is. But, you can sleep longer. I'll be back in time for dinner."

"Why you gotta leave so early, Jay Jay? It's still dark out."

"Because I have to get the milk before the sun rises so the milk doesn't spoil when I'm bringing it to other people."

"Oh, okay." You yawned.

"Go back to sleep. I'll be back later tonight. Be good for Ms. Rosalie."

"I will. Love you, Jay Jay."

"Love you, too."

Then, Jay gave you a kiss on the forehead and grabbed his cap and satchel, said goodbye to Ms. Rosalie and thanked her as he always does, and left the house, the street lamps illuminating the way as he walked towards work.

As he was walking, Jay reflected how it had essentially gotten this bad. At least he had a job now, he used to not have one and you and him were living off of what little money your parents had left behind when they died...at least, the portion that the bank didn't keep.

He had essentially been your primary caretaker for two years. The stock market crashed in 1929, and your mom died a few months after when you were two years old. Not that she had a job though, so it didn't really matter money-wise. Your dad had died in 1931, the same year that Will had graduated from medical school and went to New York to look for a job as a doctor. Jay had worked in a factory at that time and had gotten laid off soon after. But, then he found a job as a milkman. He wasn't getting paid much, but it was enough to pay rent in the crappy and cramped apartment building you both lived in and put food on the table. But, sales were dropping now as no one had money to pay for as much milk as they used to. His sales were half of what they used to be. And, you were now five, six in two weeks, so you were growing and Jay knew that you'd be eating more soon.

When he started loading his company car with milk once he had arrived at work, his supervisor walked over to him and told him that he'd be picking up some of a coworker's route. Well, he was an ex-coworker now because they had laid him off. Jay was just glad he had a job and had enough money to support him and you...even if it was really tight. He hoped he'd be home for dinner like he promised you.

He started on his way and finally, after hours and hours, he was on his new portion of his route.

He made his way up the steps of a house on the corner.

"Good afternoon, ma'am," he said as he set the four bottles of milk down on her front porch. She was currently outside sweeping the porch, her wavy blond hair tied back in two braids. She was in a short-sleeved dress with an apron covering it.

She turned to him and stopped sweeping. "Good afternoon. You're not Jimmy, my usual milkman," the woman said.

"No. Jimmy doesn't work with me anymore. I picked his route. I'm Jay Halstead, ma'am," he replied while tipping his cap.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't introduce myself. I'm Hailey Upton."

"Well, Ms. Upton, pleased to meet you. I'm guessing you have kids just based on me delivering four bottles of milk?" he asked. God, was she pretty. He was getting tongue-tied just looking at her! He knew it wasn't polite to ask that, but it just slipped out.

"No, actually I don't. I'm doing some baking today and that's why I need it. And please, call me Hailey."

"Well, Hailey, I hope it goes well. Should I put you down for four bottles tomorrow as well?"

"No, only one should do for tomorrow, Mr. Halstead."

"Please, call me Jay, ma- Hailey."

"Alright, have a nice rest of your day, Jay."

"You, too. Again, I hope your baking goes well." He tipped his cap once more and headed off. That was his last stop of the day. You and Ms. Rosalie were back at home waiting for him.

***

Jay quickly opened his eyes the minute he felt your hand on his arm. "Jay Jay?" you whispered.

"I'm awake, pumpkin." Your mom had called you pumpkin based on the one time you picked up a pumpkin and dropped it and it splattered everywhere. And, this nickname just stuck.

"I- I know I'm not 'sposed to ask, but I'm real hungry," you said.

Jay didn't bother correcting you on how you didn't ask anything at all; you just told him that you were hungry. And, he was hungry, too. You were running out of food in the house and he needed to run to the market, but everything seemed to be too expensive, so he could only buy the necessities. And, you and Ms. Rosalie had made French onion soup for dinner last night, because that used very minimal ingredients.

Jay hated himself as he scooped out the soup after she left because he realized portions would only be 3/4 of what both of you were used to. He had toyed with the idea of giving you 1/4 of his, so you could have a full serving and he'd have half, but he figured he'd see what would happen. Tomorrow, he knew he'd be giving you a normal portion of whatever he had. After all, he could convince himself to go back to sleep, but you were just a child.

Your parents had always drilled into your head that it was breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And, Jay did his best to try to feed you enough to abide by that rule. But, it was getting harder and harder to do when the entire United States seemed to be going hungry.

"Pumpkin, it's late--"

Your stomach rumbled and Jay swore he felt tears prick his eyes. He couldn't expect you to go to bed hungry.

"Let's go get you something. I'm sure I can find something," he said as he got up.

You grabbed his hand and you two walked into the kitchen. He pulled the string to one of the dim lights, which barely illuminated the kitchen and dining area. Then, he opened the icebox and pulled out a hard-boiled egg and a bottle of milk. He poured half the milk into a glass and handed you the egg.

You went to stick it in your mouth when he stopped you. "No, you have to peel it." You held it out to him. "Do I need to start it for you?" You nodded and he took off a section of the shell and handed it back to you and you continued to peel it.

Normally, Jay would put salt and pepper on it, but you were very low on that as well. And, seeing how hungry you were, you started to eat it without asking for those two basic spices.

Then, you finished the glass of milk and Jay led you back to your bed and you fell asleep with a full tummy...well, as full as anyone in your position could get nowadays.

Unbeknownst to you, you had just eaten half of Jay's breakfast for tomorrow.

***

"How did the baking go yesterday?" Jay asked Hailey as he switched out her four empty milk bottles for one full one.

"It went well. Thank you for asking. I actually had a lot left, so here." She handed him a slice wrapped in tin foil. "It's strawberry pie."

"You didn't have to give this to me," Jay said, trying to hand it back to her.

"Nonsense. So many people are going hungry right now. I have no right to waste food."

"It makes sense when you put it that way. Thank you. My little sister will most definitely enjoy it."

"Oh, let me go grab you another slice so that you don't have to share."

Before Jay could protest, she ran back into her big house and grabbed him another slice.

"Thank you," Jay said as he took the other slice as well.

"You're welcome. No use letting it go to waste. How old is your sister?" Hailey asked.

"Y/N will be six in two weeks," Jay answered.

"Oh, I remember what I was like at that age. I was a little troublemaker, running around with my older brothers even when my mom and dad called me in. And then I'd always make messes in the kitchen."

Jay laughed. "I'd hope she's more well-behaved than that. But, I'd best get going. Thank you for the pie. Can I put you down for one bottle tomorrow?"

"Yes, please. Have a nice day."

Jay nodded at her and then reached down and grabbed the crate with the empty milk bottles. Then, he got in the company car and started on his way back to the factory and then home.

***

"Jay Jay!" you said as you jumped up from your seat at the kitchen table. "I missed you!"

Jay set his satchel, four bottles of milk, and the slices of pie on the counter next to the stove and picked you up and spun you around. "I missed you, too! Were you good for Ms. Rosalie?" He settled you on his hip.

You frantically nodded your head and Jay turned to the older woman. "She was an angel as always. I hope you don't mind, but I made French onion soup again for dinner."

"That's fine, thank you. Your two bottles of milk are right next to mine."

That's how he paid her: by buying her milk. He knew it wasn't a lot, but it's not like he could pay for a nanny. And, she was the one with the cheapest rate in the apartment building. Plus, she had known you since you were a baby, so Jay knew that you trusted her and he trusted her to look after you.

"Oh, thank you, dear." She picked up the two bottles and started towards the door.

"Oh, and tell Mr. Edward I say hello," Jay said, referring to her husband.

"Will do. Enjoy your evening."

Then, she left, and Jay put you down on the floor and moved to start dishing out dinner. When you were both at the table with the food in front of you, a smile spread across his face.

"Pumpkin, after dinner I have a surprise for you."

"Really?" you squealed.

"Yes, really. But, you have to finish your food first and then I will give it to you."

Jay chuckled at how fast you ate your food. He was usually done before you, but tonight you both finished around the same time.

"What's the surprise?" you asked as you set your bowl and spoon on the counter near the rusty sink by Jay's bowl and spoon.

He reached up into the creaky cupboard and grabbed two plates and then two forks from the drawer that would occasionally get stuck.

"How about you go sit at the table and I'll bring you the surprise. How does that sound?"

"Okay!" you scrambled back into your seat and watched as Jay put the things on the plates. He must really have wanted this to be a surprise because he positioned himself so that his back was towards you and you couldn't see a single thing he was doing.

"Now, I need you to close your eyes and I'll tell you when to open them," Jay said, still with his back turned to you.

You quickly closed your eyes and also put your hands over your eyes, causing Jay to chuckle.

He first set his plate with pie and a small glass of milk at his place at the table and then did the same thing in front of you. He crouched down next to you and put his hand on the back of your chair. "And, open."

You threw your hands down at your side and snapped your eyes open. You gasped and turned your head to look at Jay. "We get dessert?"

Jay smiled. "We do. It's strawberry pie from someone who I give milk to. Do you need help cutting it?"

"No, I can do it! Who gave it to you?"

"Her name's Miss Hailey." Then, he went back to his side of the table as you started to eat your pie. He was glad he had given you the bigger slice because you enjoyed it so much; he'd be sure to tell Hailey this.

***

Two weeks later

Jay sighed as he counted out what little money he had saved up in a lockbox under his bed. He barely had enough to buy you a few sugar sticks from the market after thinking about rent that needed to be paid in another two weeks. At least he knew that Will had sent you something because he told Jay in his letter from last week that he'd be sending you a gift along with your birthday letter. But, Jay still felt bad that he barely had enough money to buy you candy for your birthday. He knew you'd prefer chocolate over hard candy, but he also knew that he had to save money for rent and groceries, so when you both went to the market later, you'd only be able to buy a couple of hard candies.

The change clanked back into the box when he heard the sound of little footsteps coming towards him.

"Happy birthday!" he exclaimed as he picked you up and spun you around. Then, he settled you on his hip and walked into the kitchen. "Does six feel any different than five?" You shook your head back and forth frantically, causing Jay to laugh. "Now, what do you want for your birthday breakfast?"

"Hotcakes!" you exclaimed. Luckily for Jay, you didn't notice how his smile flattered for a quick second when you said that.

"Okay then, hotcakes it is! Can you go put on a dress while I make these?"

You nodded again and then Jay set you down and you ran to your room to change.

When you came back into the kitchen after you got dressed--and got distracted by playing with your doll--your pancakes were sitting on the table. But, you noticed there was only one plate.

"Where's yours?" you asked your big brother as you sat down in your chair and he started cleaning the pan that he had cooked in.

"I ate while you were playing. I didn't want to disrupt your game, pumpkin," he told you, with a smile on his face.

"Oh, okay. Can I eat them now?"

"Of course you can. And then, we'll go to the post office to see what Will brought you."

But, Jay hadn't actually eaten any when you were playing with your doll. There was barely enough flour to make you pancakes, let alone him. So, instead of depriving you of pancakes on your birthday, he just went without.

***

"Mail for Jay Halstead, please," he said at the window of the post office while holding your hand.

"Alright, just one moment." The teller went to the back and grabbed a letter and then handed it to Jay.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Jay?" a voice behind him said.

Jay turned, only to be met with Hailey Upton.

"Hailey, good morning. Came to pick up your mail I presume?" he asked.

"You presume correctly." She stepped out of line to stand with him. "And who might this be?" she asked, stooping down to your level.

You blushed and moved to hide behind Jay's leg. Jay chuckled. "Sorry about that. She's particularly shy around strangers. Pumpkin," he started, addressing you. "This is Miss Hailey. She's the one who made us the strawberry pie a few weeks ago."

"It was good. Thank you," you said as you peeked your head out from behind Jay.

"You're welcome. And you must be Y/N?" You nodded. "Jay's told me a lot of good things about you."

You looked up at Jay as if asking him to confirm it. "I've got nothing bad to say about you, you know that."

"I know. If you did, you wouldn't make me hotcakes today," you said.

"Can you tell Miss Hailey what today is?"

You finally moved out all the way from behind Jay. But you still held his hand as you answered the question. "It's my birthday! I'm six!"

"Wow! You're such a big girl! Are you doing anything special today?" Hailey asked, stooping down to your level.

"I'm gonna get some chocolate!"

"Y/N, what'd we talk about on the way here?" Jay asked.

"Oh." You looked down at your feet. "I'm getting hard candy instead."

Hailey looked up at Jay and saw the sadness in his eyes, something that you didn't pick up on since you were so little. She knew what that statement meant. Chocolate was more expensive than hard candies, so she knew the reason that you weren't getting it was because Jay didn't have any money.

"How about we see what Will got you so that Miss Hailey can get her mail?" Jay asked.

You nodded excitedly and Hailey got back in line. Then, Jay opened the large envelope and handed you a small pouch.

You opened it and looked inside. There were these little metal x's and a red bouncy ball. "Jay Jay, what's this?" you asked as you held the pouch out to him.

He looked inside and smiled. "That is jacks."

You cocked your head to the side. "Who's Jack? And why do I have his things?"

Jay laughed just as Hailey started walking back towards them. "It's the name of the game, pumpkin. You bounce the ball and try to pick up one of the pieces before the ball hits the ground. Me and Will played it a lot, but he always won."

"You lost?" you asked as your eyes grew wide. Jay never lost!

"I lost a lot."

Hailey was next to you and your brother now. "Jacks, huh?" Jay nodded. "Me and my brothers used to play it all the time. I'm actually quite good at it."

"Can you teach me, Miss Hailey?" you asked excitedly.

"I'm sure Miss Hailey has things she needs to do today, pumpkin," Jay said, giving Hailey a sympathetic look.

"Oh, it's no trouble. I've actually got ingredients for a delicious chocolate cake at my house if you two would like to come over. I can easily whip up a nice lunch for us, too."

"Hailey, I can't let you do that."

"Please, Jay Jay? Pretty please?" you asked, looking up at him and clasping your hands together to make it look like you were praying. "It's my birthday. Please?"

He looked to Hailey and she nodded once more. "Just because Miss Hailey said it was okay. Care to accompany us to the store to get her some candy before we go to your house?" Jay asked her.

"I'd love to."

***

You were so full after a delicious lunch of turkey sandwiches, potatoes, apples, and chocolate cake, that you had promptly fallen asleep at the table while you were waiting for Jay and Hailey to finish the dishes.

Hailey said it was no big deal, that she could do them, but you mentioned that Jay always washed the dishes and you always dried them. So, then Hailey finally gave in and let him help with the drying.

"Not to be too forward," Hailey began as she handed a plate to Jay to dry, "but is it just you and Y/N? I've just never heard either of you mention your parents."

"Uh, it's just the two of us. Mom and Dad died a few years ago. Will, our older brother, went to New York to become a doctor, so it's been the two of us ever since."

"Well, that little girl really seems to love you."

Jay sighed. "It's probably because she doesn't know any different. Mom died when she was two, so she barely remembers her. And Dad died when she was four, so two years ago. She remembers him a little, but for most of the past two years, I've been the one taking care of her. Along with our neighbor who helps out by watching her when I have to go to work."

"That's very kind of her."

"It is. So, what about you? What do you do to have such a big house? Secret baking company you run? Because I've had desserts you've made so far and both were absolutely delicious."

"They were nothing fancy."

"Oh, but to Y/N they were. She was so excited when I told her we'd be getting dessert. But, how did you end up here, Hailey?"

"In Chicago? Or in this house specifically?"

"Both," Jay said.

"Well, I was born and raised in Chicago. But, my parents are gone, too...not that I was ever too fond of my father. But, they had this house because they used to own a bar, which pulled in some decent money. They left the house to me and my brothers. All of them have their own families and are scattered across the country, so I got it."

"Would be a bad time to be in the brewing business right now, wouldn't it? With prohibition and all," Jay mused. "That might contribute to the high unemployment rates...but, I'm pretty sure that was mostly because of Hoover." He paused. "I'm sorry. I really shouldn't be talking about the complicated politics of our country right now...especially not in front of a lady."

"I have the right to vote now, you know. And have had it for thirteen years," Hailey said.

"I know. I didn't mean it like that. I think it's great that women can vote. I just shouldn't be talking about it that first time I'm in your home is all." He gestured to you. You were still asleep at the table, your head resting on your arms which were resting on the table. "Glad that little rascal gets the chance to voice her opinions."

Your head popped up. "I ain't a rascal, Jay Jay!"

"Oh really now?" He walked over to you and picked you up and started tickling you. "How about now?" he asked with a giant smile on his face while you laughed big belly laughs.

"Jay Jay! Please stop!"

"Only because you said please." He set you back down.

"Aw, she's so cute," Hailey gushed.

"Did you hear that, kiddo? Miss Hailey thinks you're cute. What do you say?" Jay asked.

"Thank you." You blushed. "Can you teach me how to do braids like yours?" you asked, referring to her French braids. "They're real pretty. Jay can only do plain ones."

She turned to Jay while she raised her eyebrows. "You know how to braid?"

He opened his mouth to dispute what you said, but you butted in. "He does! He braids my hair every day when he doesn't have to work!"

You spun around, giving Hailey a view of your braids.

"Okay, birthday girl," Jay said. "I think it's time we head home. We can play jacks there."

"Can we play checkers, too? I like checkers!"

"I know you do. Now, can you say thank you to Miss Hailey for lunch and for the cake?"

"Thank you, Miss Hailey! It was really good!"

"You're welcome, honey." She stooped down to your height and handed you two slices of chocolate cake wrapped in tin foil. "These are for you and Jay to take home. And, you get the bigger slice."

***

A month later

You had been six for a month, and Jay had known Hailey for around two months. The weather was starting to cool down as summer was turning into fall and there was a slight chill in the air. Because of this, Jay was spending more money on more firewood to place in the wood-burning stove because you now weren't just using it to cook, but for heat as well.

Ms. Rosalie had come down with a nasty cold and didn't want to get you sick. Jay had tried to find a last-minute babysitter for you last night by knocking on nearby apartments, explaining the situation, and even offering to buy them a bottle of milk for their troubles. But no one agreed.

So, Jay told you that you'd have to stay home by yourself. You asked if you could go to work with him, but he said no...even though he desperately wanted to bring you. But, he couldn't risk his job; it was the only meager income the two of you had. Jay needed that job to keep a roof over your heads and food in your bellies. Because of this, he taught you how to lock the door and had made you a quick breakfast and lunch and stuck them in the icebox so that you'd be able to eat while he was gone. And above all, he told you not to answer the door for anyone.

"Bye, Pumpkin," Jay said as he gave you a big hug. "You remember what I told you?"

"Yes. Breakfast and lunch are in the icebox and no opening the door," you answered as you sat up in bed.

"Unless..." Jay prompted.

"Unless it's you, Miss Rosalie, or Mr. Edward."

"Exactly. Now, go back to sleep. I'll lock the door on my way out. I love you."

"Love you, too, Jay Jay."

Then, he left, leaving you alone to go back to sleep.

***

"Halstead!" Jay heard his supervisor yell as he was stacking the last of his crates back at the factory before he hurried home to you.

"Yes, sir?" he asked.

"My office."

Jay swallowed but followed his supervisor.

He entered and closed the door behind him.

"As you know," his supervisor started, "milk sales have been declining at a steady rate as families don't have enough money to buy as much as they used to."

"I'm aware, sir," Jay said as he clasped his hands behind his back.

"This means that we need fewer workers."

No, this cannot be happening, Jay thought to himself.

"I'm sorry to say, but I have to let you go, Jay."

"Please," Jay begged. He knew begging was unbecoming and most likely wouldn't get him his job back, but he had no other choice. "I have a six-year-old sister. I'm the only one who takes care of her. Please sir, I really need this job. If not for me, then please do it for her. Please."

"I'm sorry, son, but I have to let you go. I wish you the best of luck on finding other employment."

Jay wanted to beg for his job back some more, but he knew it was no use. So, he just nodded and left the office, not knowing what to do next.

And, to make matters worse, his rent was already ten days past due.

***

Jay was about to walk into his apartment when he saw a yellow piece of paper nailed to his door. He ripped it down and scanned the big, bold letters.

An eviction notice. He was going to lose the apartment.

If he didn't come up with some money fast, then he and you would have to be out of your apartment in three days.

He sighed and folded the paper and stuck it in his pocket, and then unlocked the door and went inside.

He began to panic when he didn't see you right away, but then he heard a sniffle coming from your room.

You gasped as you heard someone coming towards you and quickly buried yourself under your covers and tried to stay as quiet as possible.

"Pumpkin?" Jay asked. "It's just Jay Jay."

You carefully peeled the covers back from your head. "Jay Jay?" When you saw it was him, you jumped out of bed and quickly crashed into his legs, and clung to them for dear life. "Jay Jay!" you cried. "I was so scared!"

Jay tried to pry your little fingers from his legs, but your grip was so tight that he knew if he tried any harder, he might hurt you and he definitely didn't want that. "Why were you so scared, pumpkin?" he asked as he placed a hand on your head and ran his fingers through your slightly tangled hair.

"There- there were people at the door," you shuddered. "And they made really loud noises and kept yelling."

"What were they yelling?" he asked gently.

"They were yelling for you."

"Did you open the door?"

"No, you told me not to, so I didn't."

"Good girl," he praised. He knew what you were talking about: the men who had nailed the eviction notice to the door of the apartment had probably yelled out his name a few times very loudly, which is what caused you to be scared now. "How about I make us dinner and then we can play checkers, hmm?" he asked. "How does that sound?"

You looked up at him, a few tears still rolling down your cheeks. You wiped them away with your little fists. You nodded. "Can you braid my hair, too? I tried, but I couldn't do it."

That explains all the tangles, Jay thought to himself. "I can do that."

He grabbed your hairbrush and then sat on your bed. You sat on the floor in between his legs and allowed him to brush your hair and start to braid. As Jay was doing this, he was wondering what he was going to do. He didn't have a job, he had an eviction notice, and he had to provide for you. Even though he liked to think he had great problem-solving skills, at this very moment, he had absolutely no idea what to do.

***

"Where are we going, Jay Jay?" you asked as you held his hand and walked through town the next morning.

"We are going to see Miss Hailey," he answered.

"Why?" you asked as you curiously looked up at him.

"Because I think she'd like to spend some time with you."

"Where are you gonna be?"

"I have to go run some errands."

"Can I come? I wanna come with you, Jay Jay."

"I wish I could bring you, pumpkin. But, this is adult stuff. You'd be really bored. You'll have much more fun with Miss Hailey."

You sighed. "Okay."

About twenty minutes later, Jay took a deep breath as he walked up the steps of Hailey's front porch. He hoped he was making the right decision by doing this. He knocked a few times and then Hailey answered the door.

"Jay? What are you doing here so early?" Then, she saw you and stooped down to your height. "Hi, Y/N. Did Jay wake you up to come see me this morning?"

"Yeah," you answered as you rubbed your eyes. You were still kind of tired. Jay didn't know if that was from lack of proper nutrition or general tiredness. He hoped it was the latter. "Jay Jay said he had to do adult things and I can't come with him."

She looked up at Jay and then back to you. "Honey, how about you go run inside to the sitting area and grab a deck of cards or another game we can play while I talk to your brother, how does that sound?"

You looked up at Jay and he nodded. Hailey moved out of the doorway. "Okay!" you exclaimed and then quickly let go of Jay's hand and rushed inside.

"Don't forget to take off your shoes before you get to the carpet!" Jay shouted after you, which caused you to stoop down and take off your shoes on the hardwood before you got to the carpeted areas.

"So, you needed someone to watch her?" Hailey asked.

"Yes. I'm really sorry, but you're the first person I thought of since our neighbor got sick and I need to run to the bank before it gets really busy--"

"Jay, it's fine. She's a little angel. I can take care of her for a few hours." She studied his face and his very worried expression. "Is everything alright?"

Jay sighed. "Hopefully it will be after I go to the bank. Thank you for--"

He was cut off by someone yelling at Hailey from the sidewalk. "Hailey! Still on for tonight?" It was Christopher Hermann, a firefighter.

"Uh, no I'm not baking anything tonight," she quickly answered.

Hermann gave her a confused look but quickly recovered as he realized what she was saying. "Okay, thank you, Hailey."

"You're welcome." Hermann tipped his cap at her before he continued walking. "As you were saying?" Hailey asked.

"I thought you said you didn't own a baking business?" Jay asked.

"I don't," Hailey said quickly. "Sometimes I'll just make some pies for him, his wife, and kids."

"Sorry if I wrecked your plans of baking by dropping Y/N on you. I can try and find someone else."

"No, it's fine. Good luck at the bank and I promise I'll take good care of your little sister."

"Thank you. I'll see you soon."

***

"Sir, I'm sorry," the bank teller told him.

"Please." At this point, Jay wasn't opposed to begging. "I really need a loan. Just a small one so that I can keep a roof over mine and my little sister's head and food on the table. She's just a child. Please."

"If I gave every person in here who had a sob story a loan, I would be out of a job and this bank would be out of business. I'm sorry, but I can't. Best of luck to you and your sister."

He moved on to the next person, leaving Jay close to tears. He was out of options. He was out of a job and he was about to lose the small apartment you two shared in the next two days.

He walked out of the bank with his head held low and tears pricked his eyes. The only option he had was to beg Will to let him and you move to New York to stay with him. But, even though he was a doctor, he still had to feed himself, his wife, Natalie, and his three children. He might not be able to take in two more mouths to feed.

The other thing Jay thought about as he walked down the street back towards Hailey's feeling like a disappointment was moving to a Hooverville. Those were camps set up by the homeless where they lived in tents. Because, in two days, the two of you would be homeless. He could try and sell everything of value he had in the small apartment, but it'd only cover this month's rent, if that, and then he'd just encounter this same problem again next month.

Jay knocked on the door of Hailey's house and she quickly answered it, you right on her tail.

"Jay Jay!" you exclaimed and quickly hugged him.

"Hi, pumpkin. It's time to go home now."

"But, me and Miss Hailey are in the middle of a game!" you argued.

"I've got no issue if she stays to finish it," Hailey said. "Y/N, why don't you go and make sure the pieces are where we left them while I talk to your brother?"

You ran off to go check on the pieces while Hailey stepped outside and closed the door behind her. She took a good look at Jay and saw the tears in his eyes that he was frantically trying to blink back.

"Jay, what happened at the bank?" Hailey asked gently.

"It's nothing I can't handle," he responded coldly.

"Jay, please, just tell me. Maybe I- Maybe I can help. I can't do that if you don't tell me anything."

"I'm just your milkman, well not anymore because I got fired yesterday. Why do you care so much, Hailey?"

"Because that little girl in there needs her big brother. She needs you to be rational about whatever's going on because I will not let her get hurt."

"I would never hurt her," Jay said quickly. "Where is this coming from?"

"Don't worry about it," Hailey said flippantly. "Just, tell me what's going on. Please, Jay. Not just for me, but for that little girl who loves you so much. Maybe I can help."

Jay sighed. "I got let go yesterday. And now I'm getting evicted from my apartment. I even went to the bank to try to take out a loan, but couldn't. I don't know what I'm going to do, Hailey. I really don't."

"Come with me," she said and opened the door.

You were focused on something in Hailey's sitting room, so weren't paying attention as Jay and Hailey made their way to the kitchen.

"I may not have told you everything about myself," Hailey said.

"Hailey, not to be rude, but what are you saying?"

"The reason I have this big of a house when I'm a single woman is because my parents used to own a very successful brewery. My dad, let's just say he wasn't that great of a man, so when prohibition hit, he didn't know what to do. So, he sold the brewery and they moved to another part of the country."

"And you got their house?" Jay asked.

"Yes, but I have to work to make sure I can still pay my bills."

"Then what do you do?" Jay asked. He knew she couldn't make enough money to pay for this place by working in a factory or being a seamstress, which is what most women did to support their husband's incomes.

"You don't know anyone in the government, do you?" she asked.

"No. If I did, they would've been my first visit when I saw the eviction notice, not the bank. Where is all this going?"

"Jay, if I tell you this, I need to know I can trust you, that you won't tell a single person what I'm about to show you."

"You have my word."

"Alright." She walked over to her huge, white kitchen island and pushed, revealing a staircase. "Follow me."

She pulled a string and the staircase became illuminated and Jay followed her. Once they got all the way down the staircase, she pulled another string and then a few more, making the secret basement become illuminated in light.

Jay looked around. There was a bar with glasses behind it and bottles of whiskey and other liquors. On either side of the bar, there were two huge barrels of what Jay assumed had to be beer. There were also three high-top tables with two chairs at each table.

Jay's jaw dropped. "You run a speakeasy?"

"I do," Hailey answered.

"B-But this is illegal," Jay stuttered.

"I'm very much aware."

Jay continued to look around in awe. He knew of course that speakeasies existed and that people had ways of getting alcohol from Canada, but he had never tried it since prohibition happened. Well, he did a few times. But, the minute his mom died, he stopped what little bit he did drink.

"Why did you bring me down here? To drown my sorrows in whiskey?" Jay asked.

"No, I have a proposition for you."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "A proposition?"

"Yes, would you like to hear it?" He nodded. "Since people can't appear drunk on the streets because they'll face arrest and could possibly tell the sheriff about my speakeasy, I need people here to make sure that they sober up before they leave here at night. One of the two people I hired for this job quit last night because his family is moving out west."

Jay nodded, still very unsure where this was going.

"I was wondering if you'd like that job?" Hailey asked.

"You're offering me a job?" Jay asked, trying to maintain his composure.

"Yes. You can have it if you want it."

"I'll take it. Not to be rude, but how much would I be paid?"

"That's just the thing," Hailey began. "Liquor is getting more expensive to smuggle in and brewing supplies are getting more expensive as well because it's all illegal. So, I can't pay you." Jay's face fell. "But, before you say you can't do this, let me tell you one more thing: I have two spare bedrooms in my house. They're yours and Y/N's if you take the job."

"Hailey, I can't put you out like that. You'll have to feed us and I can't let you do that."

"Jay, I have money to pay for more food. Just not to pay for another worker because they always want their wages high since what we do here is so risky. It's no problem. And, think of Y/N. She'd have a roof over her head and she could even have that strawberry pie you said she liked so much," Hailey explained.

Jay couldn't pass up this offer, not when he would be kicked out of his apartment in two days. "Okay, I'll get mine and Y/N's things over here in the next few days. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"It means a lot to me, too. Sometimes men get a little rowdy down here, which is why I have to close when there's only one to help."

"So, that's what that guy was asking about when he asked if you're still on tonight?"

"Precisely."

Jay and Hailey walked back upstairs after Hailey turned off all the lights. Then, she pushed the island back into place and Jay headed over to you.

"Will you play Go-fish with me and Miss Hailey, Jay Jay?" you asked as you held a deck of cards out for him to shuffle.

"I most definitely will, pumpkin, " he said as he sat down on the floor and took the cards from you. "But, I have a question for you first."

"What is it?" you asked as you furrowed your eyebrows. Jay found it cute how concentrated you looked every time he said he had a question for you.

"How would you like to stay with Miss Hailey for a while?"

"What- What about you? You'll be here too, right? I don't want you to leave," you said as your lip started to tremble.

"Oh no," Jay quickly said. "I'll be here, too. I promise. We'll just be living here for a while. How does that sound?"

You nodded excitedly. "Can I bring my dolly, Emmy, here?"

Jay chuckled. "Yes, you can." He started shuffling the cards as Hailey walked back in. "Alright, time for a game of Go-fish."

As the three of you played the game on the carpet of Hailey's sitting room, Jay still couldn't believe it: Hailey Upton ran a speakeasy.

***

"What about this guy?" Jay asked as he held up an old stuff animal Dalmation that once belonged to Will that he found when he was cleaning out the apartment to move into Hailey's. "You want him on your bed, too?"

"Who's he?" you asked as you studied the stuffed animal.

"This was Will's, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you renamed him." He held the stuffed animal out to you and you took it and held it tight to your chest.

"I love him."

"What are you thinking for a name, pumpkin?"

You pursed your lips to the side, a telltale sign that you were in deep thought. "Spot."

"Spot," Jay repeated. "I think that's a perfect name. You think Spot and Emmy are going to be friends?" Emmy was the name of your doll.

"Best friends," you told him.

"Do you want to help me unpack my room or play in here?"

"Play in here," you answered as you picked up Emmy to play with along with Spot.

"Okay. I'll be right across the hall if you need anything."

Jay walked into his room where Hailey was already busying herself by making up Jay's bed.

"Hailey," Jay started, "you didn't have to do that. I'm perfectly capable of making my own bed."

"I'm not busy until tonight, so I figured I'd help you out. I can leave if you'd like some privacy while you unpack, though," Hailey replied.

"No, no, you're fine. This is your house after all. You're allowed to go wherever you want." Jay started busying himself with taking a few things out of a crate. "Can you tell me more about the job I'll be doing tonight?"

"So, tonight, people will knock on the back door. I usually let them in, but they have to say bakery because that's the secret word to be let in. If there's a new person, I'll grab you or Adam, the other guy who does the same job as you, to let him in because I don't know him personally."

"So, for your safety?" Jay asked.

"Exactly. Then, I make the drinks and one of you hands them to the customers. The other cleans tables once someone leaves. And, if the person still seems like a drunk before they leave, you have to stop them from leaving for a few hours until they're essentially back to normal. Typically, I'll explain this to them and it works fine, but sometimes I need some help because, well, I'm small and some of them think it's okay to get handsy."

"I won't let anyone lay a hand on you, Hailey. You have my word."

Hailey nodded. "Thank you. And, before you ask like Adam did about why I don't let you guys make the drinks, it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I know the proper proportions. And, if something happens and one of you is busy making drinks..."

"Something bad could happen to you. I get it," Jay said understandingly. "Being behind the bar is safest for you. You don't have to feel bad about putting your safety first, especially since what we are all partaking in is illegal."

"Thank you for understanding. Now, I'll let you unpack. Just yell downstairs if you have any questions. I'll be in the kitchen making something special for after dinner tonight."

"Please tell me Y/N didn't get a hold of you when I was outside and ask you to make strawberry pie."

"She didn't. And even if she did, I was already planning on making it. She's very polite, Jay. You don't have to worry about her not having manners. You've raised her quite well on that front."

"That means a lot, thank you. This all means so much, thank you."

"Hey, you needed help and I needed help. The feeling's mutual." With that, she left Jay alone to unpack and think about how he was staying with one of the most beautiful and kind-hearted women in the world.

***

"So how does this work?" Jay asked Hailey later that night after he had tucked you into bed.

"Jay, I already told you how it works. You just make sure I'm safe and no drunk customers leave or try to get handsy with me," Hailey answered as she was setting up the bar.

"I know that," Jay laughed. "I meant with Y/N. What do we do about her? She's sleeping in a place she doesn't know and I'm not in my room. I don't want her to get upset when she can't find us."

"Oh," Hailey said. "Guess I didn't think that far ahead." She paused as she thought about what she and Jay could do. "How about this: every fifteen minutes either you or I go upstairs to check on her."

"That works," Jay said.

There were thundering footsteps walking down the stairs.

"Hey, Adam," Hailey greeted when he got all the way down. "Jay, this is Adam. Adam, Jay."

Jay and Adam shook hands. "So you're the new replacement?" Adam asked and Jay nodded. "Don't worry, everything's pretty tame down here. There's just occasionally one or two rowdy newcomers because they haven't drank in a long time and forgot what their limits are."

"Good to know," Jay said.

"It's almost time to open, so how about me and Jay go upstairs for the first few customers so he can see how it's done," Hailey suggested.

Adam waved his hand. "Go ahead. Usually, I know most everyone's regular drinks, so I can handle bartending for a little bit."

"Thanks, Adam," Hailey said.

Jay and Hailey made their way upstairs and Jay went to check on you and then went back to Hailey.

"She still asleep?" Hailey asked.

"Out like a light," he answered.

There was a knock at the door. Hailey opened it a crack. "Bakery," the man said. It was the same one who asked a few days ago if they'd be open when Jay came over to ask Hailey to watch you while he went to the bank to see if he could take out a loan.

Hailey opened the door all the way and allowed him in. He came with a friend. "Christopher, Randall, welcome back," she said once they were all the way inside.

"Thank you," they both said.

"This guy new?" Christopher Hermann asked.

"Jay Halstead," Jay said as he stretched his hand out for Hermann to shake. "Pleasure to meet you."

"You as well. The real pleasure is being here where I can drink alcohol, am I right, Randall?" he asked as he turned to his friend.

"No doubt about it," he replied.

"Any stories from work today?" Hailey asked.

"No, just a simple cat caught in a tree. Nothing that caused somebody's house to burn and thank the Lord for that because of how hard it is to secure a loan for a house right now," Hermann answered.

"You two can make your way on in," Hailey said. "You know where to go."

"Thank you," Randall said and then the two walked away and towards the island that hid the speakeasy underneath.

"They're both firefighters," Hailey told Jay. "And, the one that Christopher kept calling Randall, well he told me that at the station they call him Mouch."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows. "Why? Why would a man want a nickname as silly as that?"

"Apparently it means half man half couch. But, just call him Randall. I'm not supposed to know about that nickname, but Hermann told me one night when he got a little too drunk."

"I'm sure Randall's wife is thrilled that he's a lazy bum," Jay said.

"Only at the station where he sits on the couch and listens to the radio until the bells go off. But, his wife, Trudy, can command a room."

Jay looked at his watch. "I should go check on Y/N again. Be right back."

He checked on you and you were still sound asleep.

After a few more customers came in, he went back downstairs and started his new job. It was hard not to like it when he got to look and talk to Hailey all night.

***

It had been a few months since you and Jay had moved in with Miss Hailey. Well, she was just Hailey to you now because she insisted you call her that. Jay insisted on you still calling her Miss Hailey, but Hailey had vetoed that decision.

Jay cracked an eye open as you excitedly pushed his door open. He quickly closed his eyes again and pretended to be asleep.

You pulled on his blankets. "Jay Jay! Jay Jay, wake up! It's Christmas!" He still pretended to be asleep. You pulled on his arm and he cracked his eyes open and rubbed them.

"Mhm, Y/N, what's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong, Jay Jay! It's Christmas! Do you think Santa came?" you asked excitedly.

"I think so," Jay said as he sat up and stretched. "Should we go see if Hailey's awake and then we can see if Santa came?"

You nodded excitedly and he got out of bed and you grabbed his hand, practically tugging him out of his bedroom.

You saw Hailey walking up the stairs with a tray with three mugs on it. "Hailey!" you exclaimed and quickly let go of Jay's hand and ran to her. "Did you go downstairs?" you asked excitedly.

"I did," she told you, letting out a small giggle at your excitement.

God, Jay loved that giggle. Hell, he loved everything about Hailey, her heart, her looks, how she wasn't afraid to run a speakeasy when it was illegal. For all intents and purposes, she was a little rebel and he loved it.

"Did Santa come? Did you see him?" you rushed out excitedly.

"I didn't see him, but he came. There's lots of presents and your stocking is almost overflowing."

You smiled widely and squealed in excitement.

"Here," Jay said as he walked up to Hailey. "Let me take that."

"Oh, sorry," Hailey apologized. "I figured I'd make us some coffee and for that little angel, there's some hot chocolate with whipped cream and a candy cane."

"Hear that, pumpkin?" Jay asked as he took the tray from Hailey. "Hailey made you hot chocolate with all the fixings."

"Thank you!" you exclaimed and then tried to reach for your mug.

"Pumpkin, it's hot. I'm gonna hand it to you when we get downstairs, how's that sound?"

"Okay, Jay Jay!"

When the three of you got downstairs, you gasped. Hailey wasn't kidding when she told you there were lots of presents and your stocking was overflowing. "Santa came! Santa came!"

"He did," Jay said as he set the tray on the coffee table. "Do you want to open your stocking while your hot chocolate cools down?"

"Yes please!"

Hailey walked over to the radio and turned it on to a low volume while Jay helped you get your stocking down. Then, he handed it to you and he and Hailey sat down on the floor next to you as you emptied it.

"Oranges!" you exclaimed as you pulled out two of them. "Chocolate...and candy canes!" You pulled out two more things, too, a new hairbrush and socks, but you were more excited for the chocolate and candy canes. "Your turn!" you told Jay and Hailey.

Inside theirs were only oranges, candy canes, and chocolate. They had both agreed to spend the money on you and not on each other.

You opened your presents and you had gotten a stuffed animal Mickey Mouse from Jay and a pack of cards that were specifically for Go-Fish. They had different color fishies on them! You also got a new nightgown from him.

"What's that?" you asked as you pointed to an object in the corner under the Christmas tree that was covered by a bedsheet.

"That, is my present to you," Hailey told you.

"Can I open it?" you asked as you clasped your hands in front of you as if in prayer.

Hailey laughed. "Yes, you can."

As you had been asking Hailey, Jay was wondering where this gift came from. He knew Hailey had been in charge of your stocking, but he didn't think she had gotten you anything else...much less something so big that it couldn't be wrapped.

You tugged the sheet off and gasped when you saw what was under it.

"A rocking horse!"

Jay's eyes went wide. She wasn't even supposed to get you anything and here she was with a brand new rocking horse for you.

Hailey walked over to you. "There's even a pocket on the side of the saddle so that Emmy and Spot can ride with you," she told you as she pointed it out to you.

"Jay Jay! Can you help me get on?"

Jay smiled and walked up to you and picked you up. "One...two...three!" He set you down on the rocking horse, but not before he threw you up in the air once and then caught you and placed you on the rocking horse.

You started moving back and forth on the rocking horse and singing the lyrics to Santa Claus is Comin' to Town. Jay and Hailey just watched you while they drank their coffee, enjoying the morning and seeing you so excited.

"Where's your presents?" you asked after a few songs. "Santa didn't bring you any?"

"He only brings presents to good little children, pumpkin," Jay told you.

"But you were good, Jay Jay!" you argued.

"I know," he chuckled. "But I'm a grown-up, so is Hailey."

You scrunched up your nose. "I don't wanna be a grown-up. It doesn't sound fun." Then you remembered something. "What about the presents I helped you with?" You looked down at the red tree skirt. "They're right there!" you exclaimed as you pointed to the two gifts that were still waiting to be unwrapped. You pointed to one. "That once's for Jay Jay from me and Hailey!" You pointed to the last gift. "And that one's for Hailey from me and Jay Jay!"

Jay got up and grabbed both gifts. "After you," he told Hailey, his eyes twinkling because he knew what was inside.

She gently took the wrapping paper off and then smiled and looked up at him. "How did you know this was my favorite book?" She ran a hand over the cover of a brand new copy of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. More importantly, she wondered how he could afford all this. She knew that she had started paying him a little a few months ago as prices for products dropped, but she knew it wasn't a lot.

"I noticed it on your bedside table one night when I brought you a cup of tea. I just assumed it was your favorite because of how worn the pages were. I'm glad I guessed correctly," he said.

"Thank you. This is- I love it," Hailey said. Her mom had given her a copy of that book once she reached second grade and her mom had helped her read it. She always remembered those good memories when she read it, which was why she's always read if she couldn't make it to the library, even to this day. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." His fingers brushed her hand.

Hailey turned to you. "Did you help your brother pick this out?"

"Yeah! I went to the bookstore with him! It was so big!" you told her as you continued rocking back and forth on your rocking horse. Jay had no doubt that that would be your favorite toy.

Hailey passed Jay his gift. It wasn't hard like her's had been, it was sort of flimsy as well.

"I wonder what it could be..." he trailed off, thinking that you would tell him.

"It's--" you clamped your mouth shut as you remembered what Hailey had told you. "Hailey told me I can't tell you yet! You gotta open it!"

"Okay, okay, I'm opening it." Jay also gently took off the wrapping paper so that it could be saved for next year's Christmas.

Jay removed the paper and saw what was inside: between two pieces of cardboard were two shirts. They were both made out of the same blue and white striped fabric, but one was short-sleeved and the other was long-sleeved. He held the long-sleeved one up to get a better look at it.

"Wow, Hailey, these are amazing. Did you make these?" he asked.

"I did. Y/N helped me pick out the fabric. She said you liked blue," Hailey said.

"Well, she's right. I do like blue."

"And, we figured we'd give you a long-sleeved one that can be worn almost any time and then a short-sleeved one for the summer months."

"You both made great choices. Thank you so much." He looked up at you. "Thank you, too, pumpkin. Now, can you get down and give me a hug or do I need to help you down?"

"I can do it!" You slid down off the rocking horse and then ran to Jay, barrelling into his open arms.

"Arghh, my favorite girls. No better way to spend Christmas."

Your stomach rumbled.

"I should get started on breakfast," Hailey said and stood up.

"I'll help," Jay offered. He let go of you and set you on the couch and then handed you your hot chocolate. "Can you do something for me?" he asked you.

"What is it?" you asked after you had taken a sip of your hot chocolate, getting whipped cream all on your upper lip.

"Can you not get on the rocking horse and stay here and listen to the radio until me or Hailey get back?"

"Okay!" You paused. "Can you put me on there now? I promise I'll be good," you pleaded.

Jay agreed, but only because it was Christmas. "Now, me and Hailey will be in the kitchen if you need anything. Merry Christmas, pumpkin."

"Merry Christmas, Jay Jay."

Jay handed you your hot chocolate to take one last sip and then you handed it back to him. Then, Jay and Hailey made their way into the kitchen to start on the Christmas breakfast.

Hailey opened the icebox as Jay began grabbing some plates...the fancy China ones that Hailey said she'd only get out for holidays.

"So, I'm one of your favorite girls?" Hailey asked while she took the cinnamon roll dough, which she had made a few days ago and rolled up, out of the icebox and set them on the counter.

"I mean, you are, but if you're uncomfortable with that...you know, I think I just meant to say favorite girl to Y/N, but I made it plural and--"

"Jay," she cut him off. "You're one of my favorite boys."

"Only one of them, huh?" he joked. "Who else is there?"

"The firefighters," she answered nonchalantly. "They were the ones who helped me with the rocking horse."

"I was wondering who made that."

"I just told Hermann one night that I thought Y/N would like a rocking horse, and he offered to build it with help from some of the other firefighters. All it took was a night of free drinks for each of them who helped."

"How'd you get it inside? It wasn't there last night."

"Hermann and some of the other firefighters stopped over early this morning and dropped it off. I just threw the bedsheet over it."

"So that's why you had coffee and hot chocolate all made up. You had been awake."

"Exactly right."

Jay opened the oven door turned the dial, then moved out of the way to allow Hailey to put the cinnamon rolls in the oven.

"You don't have to help me, you know," Hailey pointed out when she closed the oven door. She had never met a man so keen on helping her in the kitchen or with daily household chores before she had met Jay.

"Hailey, you tell me this every day. I've been used to cooking and cleaning for the past two years since it was just me and Y/N. I'm not going to wake up one day and stop doing that. Besides, I'm helping you out. You shouldn't have to do everything around here."

Hailey nodded and smiled. God, was Jay sweet and very handsome, too! "Well, in that case, do you want to get started on the eggs while I whip up the icing for the cinnamon rolls?"

"Uh, I was wondering if maybe you'd make the eggs?" Jay asked.

Hailey shrugged. "Okay."

"It's not that I don't want to do it," Jay backtracked. "Y/N just told me she prefers your eggs over mine."

"I think I know why," Hailey laughed.

Jay's eyes twinkled with humor as he looked at her. "Is that so?"

"It is so. It's because you whisk the eggs in the pan and not in the bowl before."

"So she likes the whites mixed with the yolks, got it," Jay replied and reached into the cabinet and grabbed Hailey a bowl. "In that case, care to pass me the icing recipe?"

She passed him a piece of paper and they worked in comfortable silence, the only noises to be heard were the sounds of whisking and sizzling and the faint sounds of the Christmas carols coming from the radio in the living room.

Hailey began plating the eggs and placed them on the counter. "I'll pop them back in the oven to keep them warm once the cinnamon rolls are almost done."

"Good idea. I'll go check on Y/N. Icing's finished as well."

Hailey nodded and then began filling the sink with warm water to start washing some of the dishes.

"I'll be back to help you dry in a minute, don't you worry."

"You'd never miss that," she joked and Jay shook his head as he walked over to go check on you.

When he saw you, he held back a laugh. You were still on the rocking horse, but your head was leaning against the horse's head, the reins loose in your hand, as you quietly snoozed away to the Christmas carols.

He thought about waking you up but thought that Hailey would like to see how adorable you looked as well. So, he walked back to the kitchen.

"Back so soon?" Hailey asked. "Where's my little angel?"

"She's asleep on the rocking horse. Guess waking up early and all the excitement of the presents really tired her out. She's adorable."

Jay waved his hand, signaling for her to follow him and she did.

Hailey cooed at how cute you were as the two of the them stood in the open doorway to the sitting room.

"She really is the cutest little girl alive," Hailey said.

"I'd do anything for that kid," Jay said.

"You're a good brother, Jay. Raising her to have manners and know how to behave, you did really well with her."

"Thank you. I just tried to do what my mother did for me and Will." Since their time together, Jay had told Hailey stories about his childhood and his parents. These were mostly told downstairs in the speakeasy when Hailey had allowed Adam to go home and it was just the two of them cleaning up together.

"Well, she'd be proud of you."

She looked up at his green eyes, which were gazing at her gently. Then, she looked up at the doorway and laughed softly.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing, it's nothing."

Jay looked up and spotted the mistletoe. They had hung it up there a week and a half ago when they had decorated for Christmas. But, they never really did the tradition of kissing under it; it was solely for decoration purposes.

"I don't think we can avoid it now since it's Christmas," Jay said. Hailey furrowed her eyebrows. "Hailey, we've been avoiding the tradition since we hung it up." He took a step toward her and grabbed her hand. "You're beautiful and I've never met anyone as kind-hearted and sweet as you and we're underneath the mistletoe." He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"That we are," Hailey agreed and smiled a toothy smile.

They looked into each other's eyes and all they saw was love and affection. So, Jay did what he wanted to do since they hung that piece of mistletoe: he leaned in and gave the most beautiful girl whom he had ever laid eyes on, a kiss and a Christmas kiss at that.

***

Winter had come and gone and spring was finally in the air. Jay and Hailey had finally admitted their feelings to each other and whenever they kissed, you always giggled...which caused Jay to pick you up and tickle you.

You were sitting in the garden with Hailey working on planting new flowers and vegetables, while Jay went inside to grab the three of you glasses of lemonade.

"Are these tomatoes, Mommy?" You asked as you picked up a package of seeds.

Hailey froze. Mommy. She most definitely wasn't your mommy.

"They are, baby. They'll be tomatoes once they get lots and lots of water and sun."

Jay was walking back at the same exact time you started to reply to Hailey. "Okay, Mommy! I can't wait to see them! I hope they're good."

"Hey, pumpkin," Jay said as he walked up to you and squatted down next to you. "You thirsty?" He sent Hailey a look that read that he had no idea what was going on with those names either. He held the glass of lemonade out to you.

"Thank you, Daddy!" you exclaimed as you took the glass of lemonade from him.

Jay's eyes widened and he looked at Hailey once more as you took big gulps of lemonade.

"Pumpkin, who are you calling Mommy and Daddy?" he asked gently, trying to word this as easy as possible so that you could understand it and so that it wouldn't upset you.

"You're Daddy and Hailey's Mommy!" you told him.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought I was Jay Jay."

"You are. But you're Daddy, too," you told him.

"Pumpkin, me and Hailey love you so, so much, but we aren't your mommy and daddy. Mommy and Daddy died when you were little," Jay told you as he took the empty lemonade glass from you.

"I know that," you said as you started digging another hole for more seeds, not grasping how important this conversation actually was.

"Then why are you calling us that?" Hailey asked as she twirled one of your braids between her fingers.

"Because Annie told me all about her mommy and daddy and you and Jay Jay do the same things as them. So you're like my mommy and daddy." Annie was one of the neighbor girls you'd play with outside occasionally. Her dad also came to the speakeasy every Saturday night...but you obviously didn't know that. You didn't even know what a speakeasy was, let alone that there was a speakeasy in the basement of your house. You moved the dirt from the hole and to the side of you.

"Y/N, we love you so much, but you..." Hailey trailed off, not knowing how to tell you that you couldn't call her and Jay Mommy and Daddy.

"You can't call us Mommy and Daddy, pumpkin," Jay told you.

Your lip began to tremble. "Why not? You are my mommy and my daddy."

"Why do you want to call us that?" Jay asked as his heart broke when he saw the tears forming in your eyes.

"Be- because you do Daddy things like pick me up and spin me around. And wake me up and tuck me in and let me sleep in your bed when I'm- when I'm scared."

"And Hailey?"

"She does Mommy things like tuck me in and wake me up, too. She helps me with my hair and you guys always give me bedtime kisses and stories."

Jay looked at Hailey. He really didn't know how to tell you that you couldn't call them that.

"Is there anything else, Y/N?" Hailey asked, looking directly at you as she started to rub your back to hopefully stop you from crying.

"I don't 'member Mommy and Daddy!" you cried and hurled yourself into Jay's arms. "I don't 'member them and I want a mommy and daddy!"

"Oh, pumpkin," Jay said. He never really thought about the fact that you wouldn't really remember your mom and dad and how you might call him that because that's what he seemed like to you. He knew you'd have questions, but he didn't think you'd try and call him and Hailey those titles. "You do have a mommy and daddy. They're just in heaven, remember?"

"But I don't 'member them!" you cried again.

"I know, I know. Would it help if I show you pictures of them?" Jay asked.

"You have pictures of 'em?" you asked, removing your head from Jay's chest.

You had only seen a few pictures of them that Jay had in his room in frames and those were the ones that used to be in your old apartment, too.

"I do. What do you say we all go inside and look at them?" Jay asked.

"Okay."

He helped Hailey to her feet and then placed you on his hip and the three of you made your way inside.

You stayed with Hailey on the couch in the sitting room while Jay went upstairs to grab a box of old pictures.

"This is our mommy and this is our daddy," Jay said as he pointed out the people in the picture when he sat down a few minutes later. "See, you have a mommy and daddy. You just can't see them right now."

"When can I see them?" you asked.

"Not for a long time until you go up in the sky to heaven," he told you.

"Like all the old people?"

Hailey laughed. "Yes, like all the old people," Jay answered.

He pulled out another picture. "There's Mommy, there's Daddy, there's Will, and there's me," he told you as he pointed to the people in the picture.

"Where am I?" you asked as your fingers brushed the black and white photograph.

"You are right here." He pointed to your mommy's belly.

"But that's mommy's tummy, Jay Jay. I'm not there!"

"Yes, you are. You had to grow big and strong and then one day you just came here," he explained.

You placed your hand on Jay's belly. "Where's your baby, Jay Jay?"

Hailey held back laughter while Jay placed his big hand on top of your small one. "I can't have babies."

You cocked your head to the side. "Why not?"

"Because..." he trailed off, looking to Hailey for support.

"Y/N," she began. "That's a talk for when you're bigger." She grabbed a deck of cards from the table in front of you. "Do you want to play Go-Fish? I'll even get you some more lemonade."

That piqued your interest. "Yes, please!"

You slid off the couch and Jay breathed a huge sigh of relief. He had no idea what he'd do without Hailey Ann Upton.

***

"Wow," Jay mused as he looked at the morning newspaper while he and Hailey were sipping their morning coffee.

"What? Shocked that Y/N's still sleeping? Maybe she fell asleep late because she was so excited to go to the fair today," Hailey said.

"No, no," Jay said. "It's not that, even though I am shocked that she's still sleeping when it's eight o'clock already. But, no, they're thinking about ending prohibition."

"What?" Hailey gasped.

"Right here." Jay passed the newspaper to Hailey and pointed to the heading which is what told them that the US only needed one more state to ratify the 21st amendment, which at this point looked like it would be Utah.

Hailey skimmed the article. "Wow. You're right. I mean, I think we kind of knew this was coming, but I didn't think it would actually happen."

"Me neither. Do you know what you're going to do if it does become legal?"

"I mean, I've obviously thought about it, but not all the way if you know what I mean. I kind of wondered about it, but I never made a plan." Hailey tried her best to explain how she had been thinking.

"Do you want to stay in Chicago?" Jay asked.

"I don't know. I love the city, but I'd also like to have the country air. Give Y/N a big yard to run around in instead of the small one we have now."

"Jay Jay! Hailey!" you exclaimed as you ran into the kitchen.

"Speak of the devil," Jay laughed. "We'll talk more about it later." He turned to you as you pulled yourself up on a kitchen chair. "You excited for the fair, pumpkin?"

"Yeah!" you exclaimed. "I can't wait to see all the animals!"

"Which ones do you want to see the most?" Hailey asked.

"The piggies!"

"The piggies, huh?" Jay asked. "Why are they your favorite?"

"They're pink and they're fat and they're cute!"

"Pink, fat, and cute," Hailey repeated. "Great description of pigs. How about me and Jay Jay get started on breakfast and then we can get going. How does that sound?"

"Yay! Piggies!"

Jay laughed and got up to help Hailey with breakfast while you were practically vibrating in your seat with the excitement at the thought of seeing all the animals at the fair.

***

"Piggies!" you exclaimed as you saw them in their pen and tugged on Jay's hand to make him walk faster. "C'mon, Jay Jay!"

Jay laughed. "They'll still be there in a few minutes when we get there."

"There's chickens, too!" Hailey told you. "Maybe you'll see some babies, do you remember what those are called from the book we read about animals at the library?"

"Chicks!"

"Great job!" Hailey praised.

By now you had made your way to the pen and tugged Jay's hand when you walked into it.

"Piggy!" you exclaimed as you ran up to one.

"What sound does a pig make, Y/N?" Jay asked as he crouched down next to you to make sure you didn't put your hands near the pig's mouth.

"Oink oink! Mr. Piggy says oink oink!" you said, quoting the book you and Hailey read the other day.

"She must've really liked that book," Hailey said.

"Obviously," Jay agreed as you kept petting the pig. The pig made its snorty oink oink sound which caused you to pull your hand away and giggle loudly.

"Can we get a piggy, Jay Jay?" you asked.

"Not while we're in Chicago, Y/N," Jay told you.

"So if we go out of Chicago, we get one?" you asked hopefully.

"Maybe, pumpkin, maybe."

***

"So, what are you thinking?" Jay asked a few days later when it was he, Adam, Hailey, Hermann, and a few others in the speakeasy late at night.

"I don't know," Hailey said. "But, you saw how Y/N looked with those farm animals and how she loved petting all of them."

"So, you want to move out of Chicago?" Jay asked.

"I don't know, but it sounds like you've thought a lot about it. Care to enlighten me?"

"Oregon, Wisconsin, New York. Those are all options," Jay shrugged.

"I thought we were getting out of the city and not going into another one," Hailey joked. "So why New York?"

"Upstate New York, where there'd be all the forests and wilderness. Obviously, we wouldn't be living out in the middle of nowhere. I don't think either of us would enjoy that."

"No, not in the slightest," Hailey agreed.

Hermann walked up to them. "So, if you two leave with the kid, what's gonna happen to this place?" he asked.

"Didn't your mother ever teach that listening to others' conversations is actually quite rude?" Jay asked.

"Well, sorry. But all us firefighters will have to find a new place to blow off some steam," Hermann replied.

"We'll only be leaving if prohibition actually ends," Hailey explains. "Still waiting on one more state to ratify the amendment."

"So, if it does end, what are you thinking?" Hermann asked.

"Alright, spit it out already," Jay joked. "What are you thinking, Hermann?"

"Well, I'm thinking about retiring soon and if it ends, I'd love to have a business endeavor to throw myself into. If I don't have anything to work on, the missus will not be happy with me."

"So, what are you saying?" Jay asked.

"Hailey Upton, if prohibition ends and you and Jay decide to leave, would you allow me to buy this place and turn it into the most booming bar in all of Chicago?"

"I--"

"Excuse me?" A man asked rudely as he leaned over the bar. "I've been waiting on another drink for minutes now!"

"Sir," Hailey began, "I can only give you so much because we need you to be sober enough when you walk outside to leave."

"I'm paying for this! You can't tell me how much I can and can't drink!"

"Sir--"

"Make me my damn drink, bitch!"

He reached out a hand to grab Hailey's wrist, but she jumped back so she was out of his reach.

"Reach over that bar one more time and I will lay you out where you stand," Jay told him sternly.

"I highly doubt that," he scoffed and went to reach over the bar again.

But, Jay was too fast and landed a solid punch to the man's jaw.

"Son of bitch," he muttered as he grabbed his jaw.

"Believe me now?" Jay asked smugly. Then, he turned to Adam. "Care to take care of this?"

"Yeah, I got it." Then, he turned to the man who was still grabbing and massaging his jaw. "You need to go take a seat, buddy, while I get you some ice. Because, hate to break it to you, but we're not letting you leave for at least another hour."

The man groaned but reluctantly went to take a seat while Adam got him some ice...mostly because he didn't want another punch to the jaw from Jay.

Jay walked behind the bar. "Are you okay?" he asked Hailey.

"I'm fine. He didn't even touch me," she replied.

"Still," Jay said. "I'd really prefer if you went upstairs and went to sleep. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Jay, I'm--"

"Hailey," Hermann cut her off. "I can make the drinks. You just go upstairs and get some rest."

"Hermann, I can't pay you for this. And, do you even know how to make all the drinks?" Hailey asked.

"I'm fine with not being paid, Hailey. I just want to help you out and make sure you're safe, just like Jay here. And, I've been here enough and seen you make the drinks that I'm pretty sure I can handle it."

"Okay," Hailey relented.

"I'll walk you upstairs," Jay offered. "Can you two handle it if I'm gone for a few minutes?" Jay asked Adam and Hermann.

The two said they were fine and Jay and Hailey went upstairs.

"If prohibition ends," Hailey began when Jay and Hailey were almost to her bedroom, "I think we should take Hermann up on his offer."

"Hailey, that's a big decision. Are you sure you don't want to think about it?" Jay asked as he grabbed her hand.

"Tonight opened my eyes. Late nights, the possibility of being in situations I don't want to be in. If we have kids, I'm going to need to be there with them."

"Hailey, I'd love to have kids with you. But, I'm lost. What does this have to do with selling the speakeasy to Hermann?"

"If we have kids, I want us to be there for them at night when they have nightmares, not one of us going upstairs every fifteen minutes to check on them like we do with Y/N. And, if it's all legal, we'll have more rowdy customers. I don't want either of us to get hurt and I also don't want one of the kids to walk downstairs, if we have kids, and see angry customers," Hailey explained.

"I understand that. It's your decision, though. You own the speakeasy. It's your decision. I'll be with you on whatever you decide to do."

"Jay, I love you so much and I never want to be without you. And if you want to move, I'm going with you. I'm going where you go."

"I love you, too. And, you're gonna have to put up with me for a long time because I'm not leaving you."

***

"We've got everything, right?" Jay asked as he and Hailey looked on to the house. Jay held suitcases in his hand and so did Hailey. You held Spot and Emmy close to you.

"You sure about this?" Hermann asked. "You still have an hour before the train comes to back out."

"We're sure, Christopher," Hailey confirmed. "Everything is ready for us in New York."

"My brother had a lot to do with that," Jay supplied.

Prohibition had officially ended a month ago and when Jay had told Will over a quick phone call what was going on, he was shocked, to say the least. But, he agreed to try and find a place for them in upstate New York. So, he took Natalie and his three kids on a day trip there where they looked at some houses and went through the shops and got ice cream. Then, Will told Jay he had found the perfect place. So, Jay and Hailey sent him the money and Will bought the house for them.

"Bar have a--" Jay was quickly cut of by you asking a question.

"What was Mommy's name?" you asked.

"It was Molly," Jay answered. "But, we don't interrupt, okay?"

"Sorry. But, Hailey told me she'd get me another dolly when we get to New York and now I'm gonna name her Molly."

"That's great, pumpkin, really great. Anyway," he started, turning his attention back to Hermann, "Bar have a name yet?"

"You know, I think Molly's would be a good name," he answered.

You gasped. "You're gonna name the restaurant after my mommy? Did you hear that, Jay Jay?"

"I did. Hermann, you can't. It's your bar."

"I know. But, if your mom didn't have you, then you wouldn't have fallen in love with Hailey, and I wouldn't be getting the most important thing to me: the bar," he told him.

"I'm telling Cindy you said that," Hailey joked.

"You wouldn't do that. You're too nice for that, Hailey."

"So, it's Molly's?" Hailey asked.

"The bar's Molly's."

"Well, take good care of it. I didn't run it illegally for years just to have it be destroyed by a regular."

"Don't you worry. And, if all else fails, at least the firefighters will come to it."

***

"This is our house?" you asked excitedly when Will picked the three of you up from the train station. Apparently, he and Natalie made enough money to feed them and their three children and still have enough money to afford a car.

"It is, pumpkin. And look over there." Jay pointed outside the car to a pen...well two pens and a chicken coop.

"Piggies!" you exclaimed. You gasped. "We get to keep them?"

"We do," Jay confirmed.

"There's even a horse that you can ride," Hailey told you.

"Like my rocking horse?"

"Just like that. But you can feed him and brush him. And we have hens, too. Those are the girl chickens."

"They lay the eggs?"

"That's right," Will said. "You sure know a lot about animals, pumpkin. Are you gonna be a veterinarian when you get bigger?"

"What's that?" you asked as you furrowed your eyebrows.

"So, I'm a doctor for people, but you'd be a doctor for animals."

You gasped. "Yay! I wanna be a betternanian!"

Everyone laughed at your pronunciation of the word veterinarian, but you were too excited to realize you had said it wrong and to even care.

As Jay grabbed a few things out of the car and made his way to the house, he reminisced on how he got here. If he hadn't had his route changed as a milkman, if he wouldn't have gotten fired and gotten an eviction notice, then he wouldn't have met the love of his life, Miss Hailey Anne Upton...even though he hoped he'd be able to change her title to Mrs. Hailey Anne Halstead in the next few months. And, even though he had to go look for a job tomorrow, he had a home with you and Hailey, you were happy with all the animals, and he was closer to the rest of his family in Will, Natalie, and his nephews and niece, and that was all that mattered.

A/N I hope you liked the first AU of AU-gust! I think the next one I will be writing will be a high school AU. If you have any ideas for AUs, feel free to comment or send me an ask! As always, thank you for reading! Don't forget to reblog/like and comment as notifications always make my day! And, if you like my writing, you can support me at https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Kayela It's only a dollar and it's through Paypal and any currency can be used, no subscription required! (I write these fics for free, so I figured I'd try this out!) Finally, if you want to be added to my taglist, just comment and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88

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anna-justice · 3 years

Text

Partners - Upstead

Summary: My take on 8x03 (be ready for some deep analysis and feelings!!)

Warnings: fluff, angst, jay halstead having 27 anxiety attacks

Requested: Yes! #25, “I’m not leaving.”

…

“You catch that?” Jay asked his partner as they exited the interrogation room.

Hailey gave a quick nod, “Yeah, he knows something. He’s good at pretending he’s not scared though.”

They rounded the corner, picking up their pace to head back to the bullpen, “Hey, Upton.” Both of them turned to face the resident desk sergeant. Hailey immediately noticed the package in her hand, she grimaced internally. “Not just calling me anymore. Now the feds are sending me packages for you.”

Hailey took the package off her hands, keeping her face as neutral as possible. She could feel Jay’s gaze on the back of her head. “Thank you.”

“You’re gonna have to rein this in at some point, not that I don’t like being your mail lady.” Trudy said dryly.

“I know.” Hailey said, wanting out of this situation as fast as possible. “Thank you.”

“Uh-huh.” With that she left from the same way she came from.

Hailey looked down at the package, smiling softly. This wasn’t the first package she had gotten and of course she was flattered, but she wasn’t sure the bureau was the best place for her. “The feds?” Jay asked, pulling her out of trance. Hailey grimaced again, this is not how she wanted to tell him.

A few minutes later, Hailey sat at her desk. All too aware of Jay leaning over her, his hands braced on her desk. (It didn’t matter that his own was less than three feet away, it never had.) He was attentively watching their boss, but she was too focused on him to even hear what he was saying. She distracted herself further by going back to typing on her keyboard, but Jay had other plans. “What did the feds want?”

Hailey took a deep breath, sitting back in her chair. She stared forward for a second. The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on her. She remembered why she got the permanent spot in intelligence in the first place. She remembered how stand-offish and lost Jay was at the beginning. She remembered all the times he asked Voight if he had heard from Lindsay, how his face fell when he finally realized she was never coming back. Even if Erin was a ghost now, she wasn’t always. “It’s a job offer.” She grinned at him. Even if it was a hard no, the feds still were fighting for her.

Jay didn’t miss a beat, “Well, that’s good. Where at?”

Hailey held her breath for a second, “New York.” She said, reluctantly. She looked up at him, hoping to catch whatever feelings he was trying to hide.

“Cool.” Jay said. They smiled at each other and then Jay high tailed it out of there. He felt like his chest was going to explode. There was this feeling in the pit of his stomach: fear, dread? He had no idea, but it rivaled the way he felt the whole time he was overseas.

In the span of ten minutes, he felt like he had been transported back three years. As many times as he told himself that Hailey was not Erin, and that he and Hailey were not him and Erin, he couldn’t help but worry. If you look at the facts, it’s clear. Hailey told him she was leaving, she didn’t disappear in the middle of the night with no goodbye. She didn’t ignore his phone calls and clean out their once shared apartment all by herself. Erin did.

Hailey pulled him out of the dark whole that it caused. She pushed him to go to therapy, she made him talk about his PTSD, she got him help. She was his partner, his best friend. As happy as he was for her, and as sure as he was that she would excel there, he wasn’t ready for that to be over. He wasn’t sure that he could handle it, no, he was sure he couldn’t. He would go with her in a heartbeat. Even though New York City was one of his least favorite places in the world and his entire life was in Chicago, he would drop everything and go with her. She was the biggest part of his life now, what would be left for him here if she was gone?

Hailey watched walk away from her desk, he was only across the room, but he was too far away. How could she ever handle 800 miles?

…

Hailey stood leaned against the wall in the conference room, Jay in front of her, hunched over a chair. She wouldn’t lie, part of her felt stupid about not taking the job. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, but nothing would beat the feeling of a foot chase in -6 degree weather in Chicago or an interrogation with Jay. And that moment only reiterated that.

“And as I have said, I’m not asking any questions. I’m just giving him the info.” Hailey stifled a laugh. “We learned that there was a woman inside that house, so clearly, we’re missing something.”

The lawyer jumped in quickly. “He’s got nothing to say.”

Jay started again, “Look, Truman, you’re gonna get booked on your warrant at the end of the day, so we don’t have to release you in 48. We can keep pressing-”

“All right, this is enough.” The lawyer interrupted.

Hailey locked eyes with the suspect, staring him down in an almost empathetic way while Jay continued to lay out the facts. “You’ve got motive, no alibi, you were in the area. You see how easy I can make it that you and your girl, you go for a little joyride, you’re looking to settle some scores, you entered the house and slaughtered everyone inside?”

“I’d never step foot inside that house.” Truman said, his lawyer pushing him back into his seat.

Hailey took a step forward, it was her turn. “You would never step foot in that house?” She looked at Jay before locking in on him. “Why’d you say it like that, you would never?” She leaned on the table, getting a little closer to him. Her gaze was intense, but her approach was a little softer than Jay’s just a few seconds before.

Jay watched Hailey lean across the table, happy to let her take over the questioning. She was so good at her job, and anytime he got to watch her, he savored every moment. She made him a better cop.

“This little girl,” Hailey said, pulling out photos from the crime scene and laying them out in front of him. “Watched her mother get killed in front of her. Her whole family was murdered in front of her.” She took a breath, he couldn’t bear to look at her. She knew she was close to cracking him. “This tiny kid has to deal with those moments of violence for the rest of her life.” Her tone became more aggressive as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Look at me. You said you would never step foot in that house, and I’m guessing that’s because of retribution, because of Benny?”

His lawyer tried to hold him back, but Truman continued. “It’s not because of Benny. I would never step foot in that house because of her.” He pointed to the picture of McKayla, Hailey looked down, confused along with Jay. “She’s the reason why. She’s protected. I go near her, I end up dead.”

Hailey looked back at Jay, somehow the whole situation was more confusing than when they started. But, even so, they had gotten the information they needed. Hailey left the room with a million questions, but she was satisfied. They were so good together.

…

After a long few days, Jay and Hailey sat at a bar that wasn’t Molly’s at a bar table by the window. They both had their hands on their beers, resting on the table. If either of them reached out any further they would be touching. “All right, let’s do this.” Jay said, chuckling. “Just rip the bandaid off.” Hailey laughed. “What did the FBI offer you?” On the outside he was joking with his partner, on the inside he was praying that she didn’t care enough about it to tell him.

“Hmm, okay.” She said, looking down at the table. She smiled genuinely, “Joint level task force, with the HIG. All interrogations, all high-level targets.”

Jay trained his eyes on the table, “Sure, sure, sure, sure. That sounds awesome.” Hailey laughed out loud and Jay shrugged, you couldn’t tell by his smile, but he was losing hope. “Is it good pay?”

“It’s great pay.” Hailey shook her head, “Honestly, it makes me a little embarrassed about what we get paid.”

Jay smiled at her, “Well, you’d probably be really good at it.” He couldn’t look at her, because he was being serious. He knew she would be good at it, but she would have to be good at it in New York.

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” Hailey said, shrugging.

“You liked it out there, right?” Jay asked.

“Uh…” Hailey trailed off as the waitress set down their check. “I don’t know if I like it. I think it was just what I needed at the time.” She explained.

Jay nodded, “Okay, but you don’t need it now?” And even though those were the words that came out, it felt like he was asking her something else.

“No, why? You think I need it?” Hailey asked immediately and Jay laughed. “Are you trying to tell me I should take it?” And even though those were the words that came out, it felt like she was asking him something else.

Jay sucked in a breath. “No, uh…” He stared at the table, trying to find the words to say what he knew he wanted to say, they never came. “I’m saying it’s a good job for a good cop.” He was being serious, and honest and genuine. But he wasn’t saying what he needed to say. He smirked at her, just for a moment, but enough for Hailey to catch. He stood up with the check, but Hailey grabbed his attention as he turned back.

Hailey stared at his then empty seat, slightly frustrated. He just didn’t get it, and as much as it scared her, she needed to spell it out for him. Her shoulders met her ears and she talked quickly, “You could tell me you don’t want me to take it.” She shrugged, shaking her head, obviously trying to make the heavy statement a little lighter. “It was an option.”

Jay opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He was at a loss for words. He shook his head, smiling. He wanted to tell her how much he needed her, he wanted to tell her how much he wanted her to stay. But, an opportunity like she had been given didn’t come around everyday, and he refused to be the thing that held her back from what she wanted to do. “I want you to do whatever you want to do.” He looked her directly in the eye and for the first time all night, said exactly what he was thinking. “I’m just practicing self preservation here.”

Erin. Was all Hailey could think, it was all she could think about all day. She refused to walk away without at least some closure, for both of them. She sucked in a breath. “The agent on the phone said the only reason a good cop doesn’t take a job like this is ‘cause they’re scared.” She finally got the nerve to look at him, because she was, she was so scared. “Implying that I was afraid of change and that I wanted to stay here where it’s safe…” And didn’t she? She didn’t want things to change, she felt safe in Chicago, with Jay.

“So, he’s a dick.” Jay deadpanned, causing her to laugh. He sighed when finally saw the pained expression leave her face.

They both laughed for a moment, locking eyes. “I don’t think that’s why I don’t wanna take it.” Hailey let her gaze fall, his green orbs too much for her to handle. She took a breath, “I don’t want to take it because of you.” She confessed.

Jay stared at her, his brain all together stopped working for a second. All he was aware of was her soft smile and how fast his heart was beating.

Hailey watched his face fall and she wasn’t sure if it was fear or shock, but she knew it was too late to back track. “I’m better, with you as my partner.” Partner, they both had such a love/hate relationship with that word. At this point it felt like a cop-out. “You know, you, 21, Voight. I know I’m better here.” She shrugged, looking down and back up at him. “So, I’m not gonna take it.”

Jay fought the urge to smile, his emotions were all over the place. “You sure?” He asked, and he wasn’t quite sure he was asking her. It could have meant so many things. Was she sure about not taking the job or was she sure about him?

“Yeah.” She said almost immediately.

The waitress returned with the paid bill, reminding the two that the earth was still turning. And they weren’t the only ones in it. Jay quickly put his card away and Hailey stood up, pulling on her jacket. It felt like so much had changed between them, but really nothing had.

Jay looked at Hailey, concerned, she looked sad almost and he was worried he had caused it. “He wasn’t really wrong though, was he?” She looked up at him with glassy eyes. “You gain something, you give something up.” He was right, but she didn’t care. She would give it all up if it meant gaining him.

Jay had only seen Hailey cry two times before then: the night McGrady was killed and the night they fought Booth. Both of those times he wanted to kill the son of a bitch who hurt her so bad, but right now, he was almost sure it was him. “Maybe but, not always.”

Hailey looked at him and was hit with a wave of something indescribable. She couldn’t pretend anymore, she couldn’t just be his partner. They were so much more than that now. In a span in three seconds it felt like the last three years of her life replayed for her, and she remembered everything. The way he fought to be her partner and actually going to therapy, the way he defended her against Booth, the way she felt when he was shot that night in the parking garage, the way it felt to see him after she was kidnapped, the way it never felt with Adam. The way he tackled her to the ground in that van, completely careless with his own life for her sake, how hard it was to imagine not working beside him. How hard it was not being his partner, how hard it was finding him that day in that room. The way she cried for him in the waiting room, the way she kicked herself everyday for not telling him how she felt. The way he fought for that woman, the same way she wished someone would have fought for her. How much she missed him while she was in New York. She remembered everything.

She groaned, this was it. “It’s been a long time…” She looked away, she couldn’t take it, wiping a stray tear from under her eye. “Since I saw you as just my partner.”

It hit Jay like a semi truck, he couldn’t believe what she was saying. He had no idea what to say, so he didn’t. He took a step forward, his heart clenching at the sight of the disheveled girl in front of him. He captured her lips with his, lifted her up off her toes so she could reach. Her arms found her way to his neck, one sliding slowly down his chest. They both thought they were dreaming, they had both wanted this for so long.

After what seemed like forever, they both finally pulled away. Hailey blushed, Jay’s gaze hot on her face. She shook her head, “No way, I’m not leaving. Definitely not now.”

Jay laughed, “Is that all I am to you? A piece of meat?”

“Would you be offended if I said yes?” Hailey smirked.

“Not at all…” He sighed out, leaning down to kiss her again. This time, letting his hands get tangled in her blonde ponytail.

So there they stood, making out in a bar where no one knew them or their history. They weren’t colleagues, they weren’t best friends, they weren’t partners. They were just Hailey and Jay: they were everything.

…

A/N: I loved writing this so much. I think I’ve watched the episode a million times and this just seemed more fun than posting an analysis! Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading! <3

#jay halstead #hailey upton #jay halstead x hailey upton #upstead #upstead imagines #chicago pd #chicago pd imagines #one chicago

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ashes-in-a-jar · 3 years

Text

There Are Moments Like These That Keep Me on My Feet

Martin realises a terrible truth regarding Jon's relationship with this new world and has to make a decision on how to handle it.

Hurt and comfort in the Apocalypse and their consequences.

Rated: G

Word count: 2.3K

Tw: non sexual intimacy, memory loss, bad tea

Looking back after leaving Upton House, Martin finally understood. He'd had a feeling, he wasn't completely blind but he had hoped, hoped so badly that he was wrong. That all those times were just a fluke. That he was imagining things. But no, Jon really did forget. It was almost unnoticeable, small things really, but Jon forgot them all.

It started at Kinloss Barracks. Jon had just finished whatever it was the Eye made him talk about. When Martin looked up and uncovered his ears he saw Jon with the tape recorder clicking off, looking pale and rattled. As Jon breathed deeply Martin got up from where he was huddled and crouched next to him, gently cupping his cheek.

"Hey, you alright?"

Jon inhaled one more time. As he resumed breathing normally he turned his face into Martin's hand, lips softly moving against his palm.

"I'm okay Martin. It was just. Alot. Like my first statements at the institute. " He huffed in amused irony and Martin's heart clenched.

"Do you need something? Can I help?" Martin hated how useless he felt when Jon's emotions were at odds with his... Patron.

"It's alright Martin, I'm alright. Maybe just... Stay like this for a bit?" Jon mumbled, holding Martin's hand in place where he was framing Jon's face.

"Okay. I can do that." Martin huffed a small smile and brought the other hand up as well, bracketing both of Jon's sides, making a barrier between him and the sounds of violence outside their little hideaway.

It didn't take long for Martin to slowly begin rubbing Jon's temples and soon enough he was gently massaging his face, trying to draw out the tension set between the eyebrows and beneath the hairline and throughout the pronounced cheekbones.

Jon sighed contentedly and closed his eyes, letting out small sounds of approval every few moments.

When Martin was done, Jon opened his eyes languidly and smiled softly at Martin. "That felt good. Thank you, Martin. For everything."

"It's nothing, I'm here for you."

"I know." Jon took a moment to just look at Martin with that tender but piercing gaze Martin was still trying to get used to ever since they left the Lonely, then took Martin's hands in his and helped both of them up on their feet. "Let's go."

Later, after the village, after the many questions answered and unanswered, after Helen's headache-inducing laugh dissipated with a creak of a door, Jon made a sound akin to a groan-infused sigh. Martin glanced at him and saw he was rubbing the bridge of his nose, moving his hands to his temples. Martin took a step to face him. "Do you want me to do that again?" He asked, raising his arms as indication.

Jon's thick eyebrows creased in confusion "Do what again?"

"You know, in the war zone when you finished…" Martin saw a deepening confusion and decided to forgo the explanation, "Here." He brought his hands up to rub Jon's temples. Once again Jon sighed and once again he thanked Martin softly when it was time they moved on. He didn't mention Martin doing that again afterwards, or ask for it when Martin didn't offer. Which he did every now and then, suspicion growing as each time Jon reacted in novelty.

But that wasn't the only instance. Martin brought with him his poetry book in his pack. When they were able to talk about the carousel again without mentioning the... Smiting, Martin insisted on defending the good aspects of poetry which the Stranger mostly lacked, namely identity and awareness. Jon countered by asking Martin to prove it and recite poetry. "That's not fair, I can't remember them by heart that well."

"Martin, you have a poetry book here, why not just read out of it?"

"You, you want to hear my poetry?" Martin nearly tripped.

"I thought it was obvious by this point there is nothing I'd like more." Jon smiled at him.

Martin recoiled and stammered incoherently. Jon interrupted.

"Martin, stop. I know your poetry is good. I've seen some." Blatantly choosing to ignore his own wince at the circumstances in which he managed to peek at Martin's writing, he went on. "It really is quite good. It'd be a shame not to take the chance to perform a bit of your words. You'll find I make quite a compelling listener." Jon smiled lopsidedly and Martin snorted.

"Okay, okay fine. One poem. And I pick!"

"Fine." Jon shrugged.

Martin intentionally chose one of his more mundane works. About rain and windows of opportunity being washed away. It did hint a bit at the times where his feelings for Jon felt unanswered but it wasn't as... Glaring as others he had.

When he finished he looked up expectantly. He was not prepared for the intensely affectionate expression he saw, nor the tackle of a bear hug that followed.

"Jon! Watch out, we're walking!" He gasped, muffled by the shock of Jon's tangled hair in his face. They had to stop anyway, as Jon refused to let go, tightening his hold and nuzzling into Martin's neck.

"Thank you." He said quietly. "That was... That was more affecting than I thought it would be."

"Really? It's just some words on paper." Martin teased, petting the hair near his face, mainly to get strands of it out of his mouth.

"But they're your words, Martin. They are a, a window into you, how you think and who you are. I don't Look to see what you are thinking a-and the you in front of me is more than enough! Truly! But it's nice to hear a bit more. And it's nice to see that, that I'm there too. This made me really happy, Martin. Thank you."

"O-oh." Martin squeaked, not expecting the forthright reaction. He laughed nervously "Well in that case, we'll make it a, a tradition? Once in a while, if you ask nicely, I'll read you a poem- If you want." he added quickly, feeling a little presumptuous.

"You already know my feelings on the matter. Don't worry, I will ask you again, you can be certain of that." And with that he planted a kiss on the dazed Martin's cheek, readjusted his backpack and began walking again. Martin chuckled to himself and rushed to join him.

But the request never came again. And later, when Martin tentatively asked Jon if he wanted another recitation, Jon's face lit up and said, "So you're finally willing to share? I thought I'd never see the day."

Martin looked at him confused but said nothing and instead chose a different poem about bridges and connections which elicited a very similar reaction as the first.

The request never came again unless Martin offered. Each time he was too afraid to try the same poem lest his concerns would be confirmed. He didn't want to know.

There were other times as well. The time after the Lonely estate when Martin insisted on sitting with their meager supply of tea and talking about small nothings. The tea was nicer than he expected and Jon was practically jovial with giddy relief at Martin's rescue and choice to stay with him, laughing sonorously and uncharacteristically at Martin's silly jokes. Later, he did not recall what they laughed about, nor understood why the tea supply was depleted when Martin tried to remind him. Other jokes in general too. Martin would make Jon laugh and when referring back to the joke, Jon would simply stare at him blankly. Jon did not remember when Martin brushed and braided his ever more tangled hair, fiddling with the stands wondering aloud when he'd done that. Jon forgot when Martin took out his sewing kit and fixed a hole made by the fires of the Desolation, wondering why his shirt suddenly had stitches. Jon forgot compliments, short rests when they quietly held one another close, brief exchanges of reassurance.

Martin tried not to think about it, tried not to make the connection. Tried not to read into the words 'They just get whatever hurts them the most. Even me.' that Jon had said when they were traveling with Basira on her tragic quest. Tried not to remember the times Jon, and even Martin himself, commented about the nature of this place,

'This is not a world where you can trust comfort.'

'Levity off the cards.'

'Nice things, they tend not to stay nice out there.'

But they were there. And he had to face it at some point. Because after they've left the wonderful comfort of Salesa's home, Jon, feeling rejuvenated, said with a dreamy quality to his voice, "Pity. It’s going away. That peace, the safety, the memory of ignorance. It's gone. Like a dream."

"That’s… Yeah, I guess that makes sense." Martin replied, resigned. It was all coming together now and Martin could not avoid it any longer.

Jon couldn't remember. He was the 'Archive' and whatever that meant ensured Jon retained all the pain and fear this world had to offer and nothing else. Jon could not keep the memories of anything nice or happy that happened to him personally in this hellscape. Every good word, every caring touch, every wide smile, bark of laughter. It all faded right after it occurred. Maybe if it was small enough he could remember. But Martin's mothering? Martin's hugs? Martin's tea? Martin's poetry? None of it stayed. Only Martin could remember those moments and what was lost.

As they walked away from the green and the sky Martin fell slightly behind, trying to reign in his tears.

Of course he remembered. This place ensured that Martin would remember so the pain of loss would be ever more acute later. It was what this world was. The worst pain it could inflict on them.

It's not fair! They had just got together, they had just begun to open up, share their deepest facets with each other, enjoy the closeness. Was that all pointless? Were all of his efforts worth anything in the long run at all? Martin felt himself slowly descending into a sharp kind of despair that became heavier and heavier as he sunk deeper.

No! He forced himself upright and shook his head vigorously,letting the tears shake off his face.

No! It was worth it! Those moments are there and they exist, even if the memory is gone. They have value and a worth inherent to them as the Good moments that they are, apocalypse rules be damned!

He balled his hands into fists, silently challenging whichever dread power was listening. They cannot take those moments away! The hugs, the soft gazes, the pure happiness, even forgotten will remain and have their merit. Martin will make sure there are more of them, always more of them, to spite the Eye! To spite the Fears! To spite this place! Jon will get all of the love he deserves, memory or not. Martin will double, no, triple the care he will give Jon, make sure he is okay in the quiet moments, give him a reason to smile.

He will see the braided hair afterwards, feel the ache in his cheeks from a long laugh, feel the lingering warmth around his arms and back, the tingle on his lips. The remnants will give him the strength to stand against the powers that be and retain the hope they cultivated. And Martin will be there, every step of the way. Loving, caring, smiling. Because that's what they deserve. And Martin will fight for it to the end.

Later, after that dreadful hospital and another long stretch of time walking quietly, contemplating. Martin was sure Jon was still agonizing over his decision to help Breekon by relieving him of his suffering, so Martin called Jon to stop.

"What?" Jon asked, confused.

"I am making the executive decision to make a stop and rest. I have a little bit of tea left and I will read you some of my poetry while we're at it."

Jon's face lit up, though still retaining its confused quality. "Alright, if you insist. What brought this on?"

Martin already settled down and began setting up a small fire for the water. "We had a time so now we're taking a breather. The air here is slightly fresher than what it was back there."

"Alright." Jon smiled.

Martin put the small pot on the fire and looked up at Jon still standing over him "C'mere, " he opened his arms.

Chuckling lightly, Jon unslung his pack and sank into Martin's embrace. Martin in turn pulled him in tight and nuzzled the top of his hair.

"I know it wasn't easy back there but what you did, it was the right thing to do."

"How do you know?" Bitterness seeped into Jon's voice and Martin began stroking circles on his back. Jon shuffled even closer into Martin's jumper, burying his face in his chest.

"I just do. You couldn't leave him like that. A small act of mercy. To spite this place."

"If you say so." Jon mumbled into the fabric.

"I do. Now move over so I can get my book." Martin decided to read the sappiest, most Jon-related poem he had, cringe be damned.

"I don't want to." Jon grumbled and leaned in, eyes closed, breathing deeply.

"Okay, we can wait. There's no rush." Martin said fondly.

They stayed that way for a long while until the water boiled over and they drank what was left if that dreadful brew that dared call itself tea. They sat there in a comfort later forgotten, reclaiming depleted energy and regaining motivation. A moment that had infinite value, regardless of what the past held or the future entailed. A tangible instant that was completely theirs within the infinite universe, unending in the singular space and time which no one can ever take away.

#Finally uploading. It been in my files for a bit.#This is for an ask i got a while back. I hope you enjoy!#tma #the magnus archives #Tma fic #tma season 5 #Tma spoilers #Jonathan sims #Martin blackwood #My tma fic #Ask #Hurt and comfort #tw memory loss #Jonmartin #Fabric rustles #Reader You are welcome to send me prompts! I very much wnjoy them :)

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julieloveupstead · 3 years

Text

We're good. I just..., baby I'm just worried about you because I love you so much - (Upstead 08x14)

Description : A show of love, support and understanding. I love them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey sat on the couch, she was alone, the only sound coming from the TV. She waited for Jay who had gone to his place to get some clothes, by this time Hailey had cooled down and all the adrenaline that had been pulling at her all day was now subsiding. She felt bad about what she had done today, admittedly not a big deal but still. Again, she allowed her Sergeant's words to gaslight her doubts about her professional skills. She couldn't understand why Voight's opinions meant so much to her. It was the same thing last year, Hailey had done everything she could to make herself look like her boss, she'd gone to New York because of him, and it had taught her that she couldn't follow in Voight's footsteps because it would end badly. For so many years, she'd had evidence in front of her that fraternizing with the Sergeant didn't lead to anything good. Jay had warned her today, too, but she was in such a funk that nothing was getting through to her, and Jay was feeling the effects of that the most. He'd already lost one partner and he'd almost lost her. Hailey looked at her phone checking the time, it was almost 1am and Jay should have been at her place long ago. Maybe he changed his mind and stayed at his place because he didn't want to see her anymore tonight? All in all she wouldn't be surprised, she could barely stand herself. Today was the first time she had seen how much she had disappointed and pissed off her boyfriend. He was normally so calm, composed, not expressing his emotions much and trying not to show them too much in public, and the fact that he was showing anger at the scene meant that he was really angry. And that made her feel even worse about what had happened.

Hailey, tired after everything that had happened in the last few hours, must have fallen asleep because she was awakened by the sound of the phone ringing. Drowsy, she answered it without looking at the name of the sender

- "Upton"

- "Hailey, you finally answered. I thought something was wrong." - on the other side of the phone she heard Jay's worried voice. She quickly wiped her face with her hand to rouse herself and sat up straight.

- "Sorry, I just fell asleep." - She explained apologetically.

- "It's okay. Honey would you open the door for us?' - she heard an amused voice on the other side.

- "Yes I'm coming." - Hailey was amused by the whole situation. She had never fallen asleep so soundly to not hear someone knocking on her door, not while she was waiting for Jay. She must have really been exhausted.

- I'm sorry, I don't know how I didn't hear you knocking," she apologized again to her boyfriend, who only smiled.

- Nothing's wrong Hailey. The important thing is that you are okay - he said and hugged her tightly. At first she was surprised that after everything she had done today Jay was worried about her and that he was acting as if she hadn't upset him, but after a few seconds she gave in and snuggled into the safe arms of her man. She breathed in feeling the anxiety that gripped her after today's event, that Jay wouldn't want to see her or talk to her.

- Actually, I didn't expect you to come," she said truthfully pulling away from the brunet.

- Why, did you think that? - he asked, surprised by his girlfriend's statement.

- I don't know, but after everything I did today, I thought you were sick of me. - Hailey didn't expect that saying those words would hurt so much, but her honor didn't allow her to show how much. So she turned away from Jay and went to the kitchen to pour Whisky into the glasses she had prepared earlier.

- Hailey, you did what you did to get the person responsible for that boy's death," he said as he sat down on the couch and took the glass from Hailey. - I didn't like the fact that we went into that house without a warrant and I have to admit that I don't fully understand what was really driving you and the fact that I was angry, but that doesn't mean that I could get enough of you - he looked deep into his girlfriend's eyes. It broke his heart to hear Hailey talk about herself. - Come here to me Sunny - he grabbed his girlfriend's hand and pulled her close so she could sit on his lap.

- I'm sorry I gave you reason to think that - Jay looked guiltily at Hailey, who looked sad and lost. His heart was breaking at the sight. He kissed Hailey on the top of her head and hugged her tightly to him, and the blonde cuddled right back in.

- If anyone should apologize, it's me. I... I panicked. Again. I didn't want Voight to doubt my investigative skills. I felt like I had to prove to everyone again that I wasn't here by accident, that...

- That our relationship has nothing to do with your decisions," he finished for Hailey when she couldn't find the right words.

- Exactly. - she admitted quietly. - I hate feeling like I'm losing control of something. In order to survive the situation at home I had to follow certain rules and I owe it to myself to be alive and well, but as you know there are certain things, words that ruin my order and then I panic and do things like today.

- Hailey, look at me," he asked quietly. Every time he hears about what she had to go through his heart breaks. He wished he had known Hailey at that moment to make peace with her father and with every other man who had brought even one tear to her pretty face. It pained him to see his beloved like that and he felt powerless. He wanted so much that after the hell she had been through all these years now she would have only good things on her way. He wanted her to be happy because of him, but he didn't know how to ease the pain and trauma after all these years. And maybe that was the reason that pissed him off the most, because he could see that something was wrong with Hailey, that she was pulling away, and he didn't know how to remedy it. He had promised her a few weeks ago that he would help her, that he would figure something out, and what? He let her down. He let down the most important person in his entire world. - I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at Voight for making you stop believing in yourself and that you were a really great cop, even the FBI wanted you there, and it wasn't because of Hank, it was because of you and your skills. - He saw Hailey preparing to deny his words, but he continued. He had to make his girlfriend believe in herself again. - I've seen for a while now the effect what Voight says has on you and I don't like that he's using it the way he did today. He's manipulating you Hailey and I'm afraid that some tragedy is going to come out of this. I already lost you once, Hailey, and I don't want to go through what I went through without you again. I'm not gonna let Voight mess with your head. You are the most wonderful, wonderful and smartest person I know and you must never forget that. - Saying this, I saw tears appear in her eyes and immediately wiped them from her cheeks.

- So you're not mad at me and you don't want to break up with me and you're not sick of me? - she asked the question in a low, uncertain voice. Jay was hurt by how insecure she felt and how Hailey didn't believe anyone could love her. He promised himself that he would prove to her how much he loved her every day, every hour, every second of their life together, and he would never stop doing it. And he vows that as soon as he meets someone who has done her wrong he will kill them with his bare hands.

- Angry at you? I've never been mad at you and I never will be. You're too sweet for me to do that. And it never, ever crossed my mind for a second that I would get fed up with you and be the last idiot to want to break up with the love of my life. - He said in a calm, warm voice and with a small smile. Hailey could barely hold back her tears, and Jay was almost crying too. He couldn't help but feel each of Hailey's tears as his own. He can't stand to see his beloved cry, it always breaks his heart.

- So everything is okay with me? - she asked, still not believing her boyfriend's words. Jay grabbed Hailey's cheeks with his thumbs in circles and looked intently into her beautiful ocean blue eyes. He hoped that in his eyes Hailey would see that everything he said was what he felt, which was truth and true pure love.

- We're good. We're gonna be good always, until the end of our days. Honey I'm just terribly worried about you and this anger was caused by that. I was mad at myself for not being able to help you, and that's all it was, not that I was mad at you, okay? - Hailey must have finally believed me because I saw a slight smile appear on her face and the uncertainty in her eyes disappear.

- Jay you don't even realize how much you're helping me. Just the fact that you are with me and all my troubles, bad thoughts or panic disappear. - She shifted her position on his lap so that her whole body was facing him. She placed her hands on his cheeks and continued talking. Jay felt more drops of liquid slowly appear in his eyes. How much he loves her cannot be spoken. - You always say and even your brother told me yesterday that I saved you from death, and the truth is that you saved me and showed me that I deserve love, to love is not to hurt, and you taught me that love gives me wings, gives me a meaning to life. You give me the meaning of life, Jay - Jay couldn't stand it and joined his lips to Hailey's. It was just a brief kiss conveying how much he loved her. He rested his forehead on his girlfriend's forehead and closed his eyes enjoying her presence.

- You know I love you so much Angel - he opened his eyes to let his words reach this beautiful blonde girl, Hailey started to blush and Jay loved that he was the reason for it. - I love you Hailey Anne Upton and I will never stop. Angel you are the best thing that ever happened to me.

- Will you live with me? - He had not expected to hear that from his girlfriend. Hailey herself was surprised by her statement. It was a big step for her and especially for their relationship. She bit her lip, not sure if she had been hasty in her proposal.

- Do you want me to live here? - Jay made sure he heard right, Hailey confirmed eagerly with a nod, to which Jay laughed affectionately. - 'I was going to secretly bring my stuff anyway, but now I don't have to hide and I can bring a box of posters of my favorite superheroes that is always the style of my car,' Hailey laughed.

- Bear, where do you want to hang those Ninja Turtles of yours? - The sound of her laugh is the most beautiful he's ever heard and his heart beats even harder.

- In the bedroom? - he suggested, pretending to have a serious tone of voice, but by the look on Hailey's face he was sure she saw right through him.

- Not an option - she laughed even louder tilting her head back, Jay admired his girlfriend.

- You're beautiful Angel - he grabbed Hailey's hand, who blushed again. This is definitely one of the most favorite things.

- I love you Jay - this time she kissed Jay and then hugged him tightly.

Hailey realizes that she has a long and hard road ahead of her, but she knows that she can do anything with Jay by her side.

#upstead #upstead fanfiction #upstead fic #hailey upton #jay halstead #chicago pd #chicago pd 8x14 #they love each other very much

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imjustwritingg · 3 years

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maybe it was fate: chapter 4

Thank you once again for all the love and comments and messages. You guys have no idea how happy it makes me when you send your thoughts on this story. It really makes my whole day that much better. This next chapter is a bit of a long one. Buckle in lovelies and I'll see ya again soon for the next one! 💜

Read on AO3 and FFNet!

Tagging @onechicago-upsteadrhekker @anniesardors @ilithiyarys @snowwhite013 @stephanie708 @carissalizz @wookailing

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“She’s my daughter.”

He’s been quiet since she’s said the words, unmoving as he stands on her doorstep, and she stays planted in place in front of him in the open doorway.

She can’t entirely read the expression on his face other than the look of hurt that glistens in his eyes and it sends an ache through her. The tears pooling in the corners of her own eyes threaten to spill at any moment and she blinks them back, not wanting to fall apart in front of him.

“Jay, I - “

He shakes his head at her and tries to give a small smile, trying to play it off as though her omissions of truth for the duration of their partnership haven’t completely gutted him. He has so many questions going through his head, but he keeps coming back to the same one.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

All Hailey can do is shrug as she lifts a hand to her face to wipe at a traitorous tear that slips out of one eye.

“I wanted to. I tried. Then a couple weeks turned into a month. Then three months. And then it just got away from me and I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s not exactly a piece of information I can share during a night of surveillance or a drug house raid.”

“But any other time Hailey? Six months. Six months of us working together, being partners, being friends. I mean, God, what if something happened to you? What if you got hurt? What then?”

“I have emergency contacts and a will. She’d be taken care of,” Hailey tells him.

It sounds so simple the way she says it, as if they’re just talking about the weather or the score of a hockey game.

“That’s the only thing you got out of what I just said to you?” He scoffs as he runs his free hand over the back of his head.

“All I can think to say right now is I’m sorry, but I know that’s not enough. Me having a kid changes things and if it bothers you I’ll talk to Voight, okay? I’ll ask for a different - “

“Hailey, come on. I know you know me better than that. I don’t care that you have a kid. What bothers me is the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”

“I do trust you! I wanted to tell you, I just - I really didn’t know how. I don’t like talking about my past, okay? And she’s a big part of that and I knew you’d ask questions that I wasn’t ready to answer. Questions that I still don’t think I’m ready to answer, but I know that I have to.”

She wipes away at the tears that have since fallen and roll down her cheeks. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm her fast beating heart. This wasn’t how she planned to spend her evening. She hadn’t been anticipating this conversation happening the way it was and she can’t help feeling as though it’s getting away from her just like everything else has lately.

“I know I should have told you sooner. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry, Jay,” she tells him, her voice cracking with each word as they fall past her lips.

He shakes his head at her again, making her go quiet and he blows out a deep sigh as he tilts his head off to the side towards his truck parked on the street.

“I should go,” he says.

He takes a step back, ready to turn away from her, but she follows after him onto her front steps and calls out his name, making him freeze in place.

“Please just come inside and we can talk. I’ll try to explain. I - “

“Mama!”

Hailey turns around at the sound of Avery’s voice and a second later the little girl appears in the doorway behind her mother. She’s got a big smile on her face and completely unaware of the tension building around her.

“Are you gonna eat with us?” Her girl asks, but she’s quick as a whip just like her mother and her smile fades as she eyes Hailey suspiciously. “Why you cryin’ mama?”

Hailey swipes her hands under her eyes one more time and moves back to the door. She puts a smile on her face as best she can before kneeling down in front of her daughter.

“I’m fine baby. I’ll be in soon okay? Go eat with auntie,” Hailey tells her as she smiles through half-blurry eyes.

Avery gives her mother a look, scrunching her little eyebrows together, silently calling her mother out on the lie she tells her. She stares at Hailey for a moment until she notices Jay standing a few feet away with his eyes on them and she looks at him curiously. “Who are you?”

Jay glances between the little girl and Hailey, still reeling from the bomb that’s been dropped at his feet, and swallows almost nervously. He’s not sure if he should say something or just leave. Of all the things that had gone through his mind throughout the day as he worried over his partner, her having a kid he didn’t know about hadn’t even blipped the radar of possible scenarios.

He still doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word, and both his partner and her daughter stare back at him, waiting. He realizes he has a choice to make. That he could go home, take himself away from this uncomfortable situation, and drink the rest of his night away, but he’s pretty certain that doing that would also cost him his partnership and friendship with Hailey. And despite the confusion and the hurt he feels, he knows it’s not a choice he’s willing to make.

He walks forward until he’s just a couple steps away from them now. He forces a smile and gives a short wave of his hand, not wanting to scare the little girl in front of him.

“I’m Jay. What’s your name?”

Avery looks back at her mother, unsure and silently asking for permission.

“It’s okay. He’s a friend,” Hailey says as her eyes dart between her daughter and her partner, and Avery looks back at Jay.

“My name is Avery Charlotte Upton,” the little girl says with a shy smile as she leans in closer towards her mother.

“It’s very nice to meet you Avery Charlotte Upton. How old are you?” Jay asks as he grins back at her.

He thinks he should feel more frustrated than he does, should maybe be angry. He’s not entirely sure if he even has a right to feel the way he does at all, but the longer the little girl stares back at him, smiling with bright blue eyes that look so much like his partner’s, all of it somehow just floats away. As if the last ten minutes haven’t happened, as if he’s known about this little girl’s existence the whole time he’s known her mother.

“I’m three!” Avery tells him with another big smile as she holds up three little fingers. “Are you a police officer too?”

“Yeah, I work with your mom.”

“You get the bad guys with my mama?”

“I do.”

“Are you gonna have pizza with us?” Avery asks.

“I don’t think so,” Jay says as he shoots a glance at his partner. “I just came to talk to your mom.”

“Oh. You can have pizza if you want. Right mama? We can share,” Avery says looking back at Hailey.

Hailey can’t help the full smile that creeps onto her face as she looks back at her daughter and reaches out a hand to brush some of the little girl’s blonde hair out of her face. She’s so sweet and innocent and so smart for her age, but she has no idea of the situation that surrounds her. Hailey peeks over at Jay, catching him looking like a deer caught in headlights, as if he’s still not sure whether to stay where he stands or bolt. She knows there’s a conversation that needs to be had between them, one that she can’t put off any longer than she already has despite the trepidation she stills feels regarding her past.

“Yeah, we can share baby,” Hailey tells the little girl before she turns her head to look back at Jay. “Ya want a slice?”

He raises an eyebrow at her, clearly not expecting an invitation to stay after he was ready to walk away just moments ago, but he’s still hesitant and Hailey can tell.

“You sure?” Jay asks.

She knows what he’s really asking and she stands to her feet. “I owe you an explanation.”

“You don’t owe me anything Hailey,” he tells her.

“Yes, I do,” Hailey tells him as she leans down and lifts Avery into her arms. She settles the little girl on her hip and turns to look at her partner, giving a tilt of her head towards the inside of her house. “Come on.”

She’s expecting him to leave, but he surprises her when he takes the last few steps towards her and Avery, closing the distance until he’s right in front of them.

Hailey lets out a sigh of relief and leads him inside, Avery in her arms and distracted by a necklace hanging around her mother’s neck. Jay closes the door behind them and as he follows Hailey past the entryway and into the kitchen, he realizes this is the first time he’s ever been inside his partner’s house. He takes in the modern details as he sets the six pack in his hand down on the counter. Notices how clean the place is despite the fact that a young child lives there and he finds himself smiling when he spots several sheets of artwork hanging on the refrigerator that have no doubt been made by the little girl in his partner’s arms.

“Who’s this?”

Jay turns at the sound of a voice he doesn’t recognize and his eyes land on a brunette woman walking into the kitchen from the living room in back. The woman stands next to Hailey, giving him a once over, and he glances at his partner who sets Avery down on her feet.

“Vanessa, this is Jay, my partner in Intelligence. Jay, this is Vanessa,” Hailey says as she looks between the two, her eyes lingering on Vanessa for a moment.

The brunette’s eyes widen, a look of realization crossing her face as she looks between Hailey and Jay, and then she steps towards him with a smile as she extends a hand to him.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Jay. I’ve heard stories.”

“Nice to meet you too,” he smiles back kindly and shakes her hand, and then watches as she makes her way back to Hailey and Avery. “Good stories I hope.”

“Yeah,” Vanessa tells him, still beaming as if she knows a secret that he doesn’t, and then she gives a short nod down at Avery. “I’m the roommate and awesome auntie to this little one.”

“She’s also incredibly conceited and the annoying little sister I never wanted,” Hailey teases.

Vanessa scoffs at the blonde and sticks her tongue out at her, and Jay just smiles on as he watches their interaction.

“Case in point,” Hailey says as she gestures to her friend’s antics.

Vanessa just shrugs and looks back down at Avery, placing a hand on top of the little girl’s head. “Come on Ave. Let’s go finish our pizza and we’ll start a movie. What do ya wanna watch tonight?”

“What about mama?” Avery asks looking up at her mother and grabbing onto one of her hands.

Hailey squeezes her daughters hand and nods to the other woman. “You go with Vanessa and finish your dinner. I have to talk to my friend for a bit. I’ll come and watch with you after, okay?”

Avery shakes her head at Hailey. “You said pizza and movie night.”

“And we’re still doing it. You’re just starting without me for a little bit.”

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Hailey tells her, squeezing her hand again. “Go with auntie. I’ll be in soon.”

“Okay,” Avery sighs. She lets go of Hailey’s hand and takes Vanessa’s outstretched one, and the two disappear into the living room.

Hailey turns back to face her partner, but he’s standing off to the side of the kitchen now and looking at the frames of photos that hang on the wall. She walks over to him and smiles immediately when he sees what photo has his attention.

“It was her second birthday,” Hailey says as she stands beside him with her arms crossed in front of her chest. “She stuck her hands in the cake while we were singing, smeared it all over her face and then my face, and just shrieked over it. We were in such a laughing fit. Vanessa snapped the photo of us.”

“Looks like it was a fun day,” Jay says, his tone matching her quiet one as he turns his head to look at her, but her eyes don’t meet his.

“It was a great day. Every day is with her though. That kid’s laugh is my favorite sound in the whole world. It’s an instant mood lift. No matter what kinda day I’ve had.”

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Jay says and it makes her finally look over at him. He’s got a soft smile on his face and his eyes are kind, not a speck of anger held in them, but he can tell his words catch her off guard. “I just mean our jobs aren’t easy, ya know? But somehow with you as my partner, the bad days are a lot easier to deal with.”

She gives a short nod of her head at his explanation and then gestures her hand towards the kitchen. “Did you wanna grab a slice? A beer or something?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not very hungry,” he tells her.

“I know the feeling,” Hailey says.

She tilts her chin towards a hallway behind him and he follows after her as she leads him down the hall to an office. She closes the door behind them and they take a seat on a small couch pushed up against a wall.

She hasn’t looked at him directly since they entered the room, almost seemingly unable to, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of her. He watches as she takes a deep breath, her hands shaking in her lap, but he doesn’t speak. He knows this has to go at her own pace, so he waits.

Seconds that go by turn into several minutes, and then she’s taking another deep breath before she finally finds her voice.

“I’m not exactly sure how to start this conversation. I must have thought about it a thousand times and I still don’t know,” she says to him and he’s certain it’s the quietest he’s ever heard her speak. So quiet that if he wasn’t sitting as close to her as he is, he might have thought she hadn’t spoken at all.

He can’t imagine how difficult this must be for her, he doesn’t pretend to, and as confused and caught off guard as he was standing on her doorstep, all there is now is a need to understand. But he also knows he threw a curveball at her by showing up at her house announced and it’s put her in a tailspin. As much as he wants his questions answered, he doesn’t want to make her feel backed into a corner any further than he’s already made her feel and he needs her to know this.

“Hailey, we really don’t have to do this tonight,” he tells her, his voice as soft as he can make it so as to not make her uncomfortable or feel worse than she already so obviously feels.

Hailey turns her head, eyes landing on his within a second, and he quickly notices the way hers glisten again with fresh tears and with what he thinks looks to be confusion of her own.

“Why aren’t you angry? You should be mad at me. You should hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Hailey. I could never hate you. I’ll admit, I was pretty confused outside. I’m still confused, but not angry. When I saw her, it was like a rug had been pulled out from under me and knocked me on my ass, but I don’t care that you have a kid. I’m just hurt that you felt like you couldn’t tell me, even when you thought too much time had passed.”

She looks at him for a moment, seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes as he stares back at her, and all the worry and stress she’s felt over the last few months somehow begin to just slip away.

“Every time I thought about telling you, I just panicked. We work really well together and you’re one of the best partners I’ve ever had. I didn’t wanna lose that so I just kept putting it off. I wasn’t lying when I said I haven’t been sleeping well. The last few days, weeks even. I haven’t been sleeping at all really. I keep having these flashes, these nightmares. Things I really wish I could forget.”

He gives a slow nod and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He’s not sure if she’ll say anything more when she drops her gaze to the floor, but he keeps his eyes on her and waits, and then he remembers.

Remembers how she nearly jumped out of her skin when he startled her, shrugged off his hands when he touched her. The way her own hands trembled, her whole body nearly shaking. He’d recognized the behavior easily enough as a form of post-traumatic stress, but he hadn’t wanted to push her despite how concerned he had been for her. How concerned he still is. Especially now when her hands are shaking again and she’s trying so hard to control her breathing.

“The truck...and the break room today,” he says softly, a linger tone of question laced through his words.

Hailey glances over at him and his assumption is further confirmed by the look in her eyes. She runs a hand through her hair as she breathes in, blows it out, and her eyes fall back down to the floor.

“I was undercover with my partner. His name was Garrett, but we weren’t just partners. We were together.”

Her face contorts in an almost painful way as if the words she speaks are shards of glass slicing at her throat as they tumble out through her quivering lips.

“When you say was?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, wiping under her eyes as the tears she’s been holding back finally slip down her cheeks. “The undercover gig went sideways and I got hurt. Really hurt. I was in the hospital for a while and when I was there, he went missing. He was presumed dead, but we never found his body. We were pretty sure it was a revenge thing. We just couldn’t prove it.”

He knows there’s more to come and he watches her as she swallows back, trying to keep the fresh batch of tears that pool in her eyes from escaping and she continues.

“Eight weeks later, I’m back at the hospital getting my evals done to go back to work. Nurse comes in, tells me I’m pregnant. I kinda lost it after that. My Sergeant put me on leave for another month, told me to get my head right. I went to therapy for a while, but I stopped going when Avery was about a year old. I just didn’t have it in me anymore, ya know,” she pauses, glancing up at him for a brief moment. He gives a slow nod, letting her know he’s still there, still with her. “Garrett was gone and I knew we’d never find him. One of those ‘is what it is’ kinda things I guess. My head still isn’t quite right, but I just kinda learned to live with the ghosts.”

As she speaks it takes everything inside him not to reach out for her. It’s a sudden urge, a need that he can’t quite explain, and all he wants is to wrap an arm around her and hold her against him. He’s never seen this part of his partner before. This complete rawness, this vulnerability that she’s trusting him with despite how it takes so much out of her.

He stares at her. It’s all he can do. His eyes burning into hers and the sight of her face as she looks back at him makes his chest ache. Eyes red and swollen from all the tears she’s cried since he showed up on her doorstep, and then follows the moment where he hates himself.

He’s the reason she’s crying, divulging to him some of her deepest and darkest secrets, and he can’t take it anymore as he runs a hand through his hair and blows out a long winded breath.

“Jesus Hailey,” he breathes out as he leans back against the couch cushions.

“Not what you were expecting huh? Maybe a one night stand or a douchebag ex that just took off after knocking me up,” she says trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work. His heart is broken for her.

“Did you have anyone? Family? Friends?” Jay asks, ignoring her attempt to make a joke at her own expense.

Hailey gives a slight shrug of her shoulders and leans back against the couch, running a hand through her hair again and trying to ignore the pounding that starts ricocheting inside her skull.

“Vanessa is the only friend I had through all of it,” she tells him and then she lets out an almost maniacal chuckle. “God, if it weren’t for her, I don’t even know how my life would be right now.”

“No family?” He asks carefully, it not being lost on him how she evades that part of his question.

She shakes her head. “Not really. The only real family I have are my two brothers, they live out of state, and I barely talk to my parents. I don’t have the best relationship with ‘em. They all know about Avery though, they’ve met her, but they don’t know the details like you and Vanessa do.”

“I’m really glad you weren’t alone,” he tells her.

“Me too,” she whispers.

He pulls himself forward on the couch and turns his body so he’s facing her completely and she looks at him, almost expectantly.

“Hailey, I - “

“You don’t have to say anything Jay. I know it’s a lot.”

He shakes his head at her. “I just wanted to thank you for telling me. For trusting me with it.”

Jay keeps his eyes on hers and when she doesn’t break their gaze he says, “Ya know, earlier when you said you owed me an explanation? You didn’t owe me any of what you just told me. I can see what it’s done to you and I need you to know that it doesn’t change anything for me. You’re still my partner.”

Hailey was certain she couldn’t cry any more tears than she already has tonight in front of him, but as soon as he says those words to her there’s a familiar sting in the corners of her eyes again. She looks over at the man sitting beside her through slightly blurred vision and does her best to offer him a small smile.

“Thanks for listening. For staying,” Hailey tells him.

The urge to reach for her takes over again and before Jay can think twice he stretches out his arm towards her. He lifts his hand, moving slowly so he doesn’t spook her, shifting his eyes between her face and her shoulder. When she nods her head at his silent question he places his hand on her shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“We’re good Hailey. We’re always gonna be good.”

Her bottom lip quivers and he can’t be sure if the way she breathes out a sigh of relief is because of his touch or his words, but he squeezes his hand once more before he pulls it away from her and sets it back down in his lap.

A veil of silence soon settles over them as they sit on the couch together and the heaviness of their conversation slowly starts to thin out. Her tears dry, leaving splotches on her skin, and her fast beating heart has slowed, allowing her to breathe a little easier. Her eyes are going to be swollen in the morning and she’s definitely going to wake with a headache, but she somehow feels lighter after finally opening up to him and telling him the truth.

They continue to sit side by side for a little while longer, enjoying the comfortable silence they’ve somehow fallen into, until Hailey lifts a hand and gestures to the closed door of the office.

“I should probably get out there. I promised her a movie night,” Hailey tells him, using both of her hands to give a final swipe under her eyes.

Jay gives her a quick nod and the two of them stand from the couch. He follows out behind her and they head towards the living room.

They find Vanessa sitting at one end of a couch, dim light illuminating the room from a nearby lamp, and as he and Hailey get closer he spots the mini version of his partner cuddled into the side of the young brunette. She’s got a stuffed teddy bear under an arm and her blue eyes are completely transfixed by the animated movie playing on the television.

Jay watches as Hailey walks behind the couch and leans over the back of it, down towards the little girl.

“Ave?” Hailey whispers.

Avery turns her head up and her whole face lights up when her eyes land on Hailey, who is beaming at her daughter and it causes Jay to smile at the sight in front of him.

“I’m gonna say goodnight to my friend and then I’ll be right back, okay? Just another couple minutes,” Hailey tells her.

“Okay mama,” Avery says before her eyes land on Jay standing back behind Hailey.

There’s no hesitation this time when he smiles and waves a hand at her again before he says, “Bye Avery.”

“Bye,” she says to him with a quiet little voice and a toothy grin before turning her attention back to the movie.

He catches Vanessa tilting her head at him with a look in her eyes he once again can’t read, but he smiles at her regardless, offers her a goodbye wave as well, and then Hailey is leading him back through the kitchen. She stops at the island, points down to the forgotten six pack he had left on the counter earlier, and then looks up at him.

Jay waves her off and throws a smirk at her. “You keep it. My parting gift for ruining what should have been a fun night for you.”

“You didn’t ruin it,” she tells him, reaching for the pack and putting it in the fridge. “But I’ll never turn down free beer.”

Jay shakes his head as he follows her to the front door and they stand in the entryway for a few beats until Hailey tilts her head and stares at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What?”

“I have a question,” he says.

“I know. Shoot.”

“Does Voight know?”

“Yeah, Platt too,” she tells him, not missing a beat. “They’re the only ones that know, well, besides you now. It’s why I don’t usually get called in on Sundays. So I can have at least one full day with her with no interruptions.”

“It’s all making so much sense now,” he says with a smirk. “How often our D.O. falls on Sunday, all those times I asked where you were when it didn’t. Little scary how good Voight is at lying.”

A small smile appears on her face, but it’s quickly gone a second later, an almost dreadful look coming over her.

“Um, look, I don’t want you thinking I don’t trust you because that’s not the case at all, but - “

“I’m not gonna say anything Hailey. Your secrets are safe with me.”

It should probably scare her just how well he knows her. How easy it is for him to know exactly what she needs without having to even say it or ask for it, but somehow it doesn’t.

She gives a slow nod and then lets out a breath of relief. “Thank you.”

He nods back and steps away from her, opening the door, and he steps out onto the front steps.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Thank you, again, for - well, for being you. I’m still not sure I deserve it, but – “

“Hailey, I meant it in the parking lot earlier and I still mean it now. If you need anything, I’m here for you,” he tells her and then he nods behind her. “For both of you. Okay?”

She’s still not sure she deserves his kindness. Especially when she was so certain he would hate her, but he looks at her with those same sincere eyes, no anger or lies to be found in them, and it makes her eyes burn again with more tears.

“Okay,” she whispers.

“Goodnight, for real this time. I promise I won’t show back up unannounced later,” he attempts to joke, hoping it’ll get her to smile again, and when she does he grins back at her.

“Goodnight,” she tells him.

With one more nod of his head he turns around and walks to his truck, and when he hops up into the cab Hailey closes the door, locking it up for the night.

She turns around, dropping her head back against the door, and blows out a long breath of relief. Relief for finally telling him, despite it being unplanned, but she told him. It hadn’t been easy or pretty, but she told him and he didn’t hate her, and they would still be partners.

She doesn’t know how tomorrow will go, how she’ll tell the rest of the team or when, but she still has him, and somehow it’s enough for now. The thought of those unknowns don’t cause her panic or fear like she once believed they would, like they used to.

It brings an unfamiliar feeling instead, one she can’t quite place. It’s one that has her thinking that tonight might be the first in a really long time where she might actually sleep through the night.

#upstead #upstead fic #upstead fanfiction #hailey upton #jay halstead #chicago pd #cpd fic #jay x hailey

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