#somehow its worse every time

[fawnblooded]

ONE DAY IT WILL BE DIFFERENT ONE DAY I WILL LOVE IN THE RIGHT WAY ONE DAY I WILL FALL WHERE ITS OKAY FOR ME TO FALL!

#me when i fall for a close friend again #somehow its worse every time #poetry #spilled ink #poets on tumblr #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled writing #writers on tumblr #writing #poetry blog #prose #ramble #crush #unrequited feelings

[stiffyck]

I'm posting it before I can back out

No one will ever see me again goodbye I'm going to chuck myself off a cliff now

#i dont even wanna tag this #its bad quality on purpose btw #i totally could give you the hd version but i would most likely have to kill myself to do so SKFFKVKSG #my urge to draw gay people is strong but my embarrassement is stronger #gtws #jimmy #trafficshipping #hermitshipping #i dont even know if i should tag it with my art tag.... #ill do it. just for you guys. but i will be ignoring it every time i see it #my art #OKAY I SHOULD STOP RAMBLING #GOODBYE EVERYONE IM GONNA GO DIE IN A DITCH NOW NO ONE TALK TO ME #solidaritimes #i was made aware there is another tag for them: #scaridarity #which is somehow worse #(i do not like their shipname its so. weird idk how to describe it djgkrgls) #how do people draw kissing this is EMBARASSING #okay okay ramble over i really nees to stop procrastinating and just post it

[daftpatience]

one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

[corvidaedream]

in my quest to maybe move back to providence after 20 years, im looking at jobs down there and damn i think i might be better off financially pivoting to carpentry/construction work for a while

#messages from the ouija board #the biggest two hurdles there are 1) gender. on multiple levels. but maybe i could get my dad to put in a good word for me w an old contact #bc he seems to know every tradesman in rhode island somehow. a #but like. every manual labor job ive ever had other than assisting my dad. gender has become a Problem. and itll probably be worse now #and then 2) id have to get a vehicle and all the bells and whistles w that #though idk maybe i could ask my coworker marty about how to get into stage carpentry #bc hes trans and seems to be doing well in it #ive always enjoyed manual labor stuff like i love painting i love demo work i loved repairing tombstones i love building shit #but the few times ive actually been hired by people who arent family its been a real struggle to be taken seriously #in one case i got harassed (over being a 'woman') into leaving #and in another it just made the guys on the crew increasingly uncomfortable 'having a girl around' and when the current job wrapped up #i just got ghosted. no telling me where the next job was. no returning my calls. nothing. #and im scared of that happening again. but also. the money seems way better than museum work wrt what im qualified for

[theladyfae]

nothing to me will ever be more iconic than my beloved mutual managing to get me so invested in a (rarepair) ship for a media i had no previous interaction with that i was actively making my own headcanons abt their potential relationship dynamic and making song associations and engaging in others’ brainrot for months before i ever even considered getting in to said media. and now a year later i’m finally writing fic for them but still know next to nothing abt what they’re like in canon cause i still haven’t made it to that part of the story, the memories of the shared delusion are genuinely the only thing keeping me going.

#poppy if ur reading this ilysm ylne has been a constant over the past year (consistent in ruining my LIFE) #the most mundane things are them i was running a bath the other day and bam suddenly had an insane fic idea #was just putting my hair into a small plait rn and remembered the time i used that as insp for an angst idea. every song can be them too #i don’t really talk abt them on tumblr cause i’m still technically not actually. IN the genshin fandom #i play the game (now. entire months after i first was introduced to the ship) and i like characters and find the story intriguing but #my love for ylne transcends all that and the vision is both v simple and v insane & only my 3 twt mutuals bar poppy Get it #but also its really funny one of them isnt a playable character and probably never will be and he’s got like. a few mentions and #there is literally only one image of him out there (2 but the second was part of leaks drama). but im attached to his nonexistent wife #who he’s cheating on. the hannigram brainrot was easy to transfer across because they feel so similar but somehow even w/o cannibalism #they’re Worse and they’ve taken up permanent residence in my mind #and yes i’m only thinking abt all this as a way of procrastinating writing said fic its soso hard trying to do them justice 😔 #i think its genuinely become a pattern where i will write things that are So divorced from their original media and honestly. what a slay #faera's

[cringefailfagcat]

the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for

#sorry but i just feel so isolated in the friend group #like no-one's leaving me out its just everyone is coupled up and the only other single people are in a qpr and go home together to watch #korra everytime we hang out and it kills that i'm the only one who has to go and be alone. everyone else skips off all happy and i'm left #to go back to my little den of depression and fight through the panic abandonment response that i get every time i leave them #but if i isolate myself completely i will be even worse. my therapist told me to make myself socialise as much as i can and i've been tryin #and it's usually alright for most of the time when we're together. like nice even if its heartbreakingly lonely and i dont have the spoons #to contribute consistently to conversations #vent #sorry i'm just. i feel like i'm falling apart slowly #catching bits as they fall and shoving them back into me but still deteriorating faster than i can fix myself #i want to stop. #i can't be a human anymore #i can study and live in literature but i cannot be human #i can't be loved. #i just want to beg one of my tutors to let me camp out in their office for a few hours so they can help me somehow do my essay #like. i can't do it on my own. i can't think enough to scrape up my memory of the books i'm writing about #and i don't have time to reread them to find quotes #i just. want to be a cat hiding under people's tables with the occasional pet from people who are kind enough to like my type of creature #but be left to sleep and do what i need to at my own pace #is that really so much to ask? can i become smaller please. take away this body of mine and give me something that fits the shape of me

[stephlastname]

#:( #dont mind me just whining over here lmfao you can ignore this if you want to #got even worse since i made the update post on my ymmh account #aside from feeling horrible #the thing i hate most about being sick is the sleepless nights #and the fatigue that comes from them #and the headaches bordering migraines #and the pain in my throat being so bad my ears shut off completely and hurting SO BAD along with my jaw #and then usually my fibro comes a knocking as well and worsens everything by making me hurt even worse literally everywhere #UGHHHH #i just hope #i wish so dearly #that i manage to fall asleep somehow and wake up fine or at least better #as long as im showing improvement #the past few years. since covid started basically. every single time i get sick it is super bad to the point i have to be hospitalized #either hospitalisation or emergency trip to the er #ambulance and all lmfao #it is so embarrassing honestly #to go to a hospital as a fat person #but i know i cant help it and its out of my control or power #but that also makes it so damn scary #when im sick its basically just focusing and using all my energy to make sure i Keep Breathing #which is already hard thanks to my asthma lol #and then literally every single time ive gotten sick liked this i just lose grip and all my energy because of the sleepless nights #and THEN shit goes downhill and i have to get emergency care #im praying that doesnt happen because every time it has happened ive felt so close to death and it scares me #i dont like to ask for things for myself when i pray. i always ask for good health and happiness for my family and loved ones #but this time im gonna pray for my good health

[dandyshucks]

starting to think maybe i should turn rbs off on that post actually bc im having heart palpitations now fdsjgjkl why is this happening to meeee

#vent // #me when the paranoia is Getting Bad fjkfdsjkl #its stemming from m.oral o.cd i think bc i am mainly worried abt more eyes on my blog and ppl seeing me frolic here #and the brain gophers have been insisting that i am doing smth horribly wrong and not realizing it #and the worry is that someone is going to see that and bypass talking to me abt it and go straight to making a callout post #and i will be sitting here with Zero Idea abt it #and continue hurting ppl by doing the Unknown Wrong Thing #but i also am not sure how that would happen bc i overthink literally Everything i post #if u see me put tags on smth that isn't just a simple ''ough'' or ''hehe yay!!'' i probably sat there for two mins making sure it was okay #running thru the words at every angle i can conceive of to ensure its not going to hurt somebody somehow fdsjkl #and this paranoia has been so bad the past few days. and when it gets bad then i get worried bc maybe i somehow have a guilty conscience #without even knowing !!! just subconsciously having a guilty conscience somehow !! #which ... only makes the paranoia worse fdsgjkl its a very bad vicious circle #anyways. i have been lowkey avoiding being here lately bc of this but i feel like avoidance just makes it worse #so . hrm. i just do not want to have more crying breakdowns bc i tried to figure out what on earth i could possibly be doing so wrong fsdjk #not exactly a fun way to spend time FDSJKL but ... what can ya do i guess #like i can't ask ppl ''hey am i doing smth wrong?'' bc thats. very vague. and subjective. and also i shouldnt rely on other ppl like that #but my brain is so goofed up that i genuinely cannot tell when i get like this sdjfkl bc i feel so sure i must be doing smth wrong somehow #so every tiny thing seems like maybe its wrong in a way i dont understand yet... ough #ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS . NOT A GOOD POST TO MAKE. LOL. but i feel like this is the only way im going to bust myself out of this cycle #hopefully if i just Say that i've been really worried then if smth IS actually wrong someone will let me know #and if nothing is wrong then !! i can move on from this continual paranoia spiral !! maybe !! #i feel like me posting this is going to be a Wrong Immoral Move but fdsjkl rly trying to just. break out of it rn fsdjkl #dandyshucks

[gensymscribes]

really trying to convince myself that i need a job even if i have to work 6 days a week and only get around 12-15 hours notice for each shift so i can't plan anything in advance and never get to do anything outside of the house other than work

#i need the paycheck. its fine. its fine. there are worse jobs out there it could be worse #im so tired of the dual wielding work environment of small family owned restaurant + fast food joint. #theyve been pressuring me to become management and i've been like. kind of playing along bc of the pay but also get me out of here lmao!!! #every time i see a text or schedule app notification i have to resist the urge to end it fr #but no one else wants me... the only place i got a call back from had super illegal shit in their handbook and kind of sucked worse somehow #i don't even make a lot........ if the pay was rly good it'd be a lot easier to suck it up but :(

[thecooler]

I wish my brain wasn't so sucks

#im ok to br clear. i just struggle to place any value at all on my own opinions #therapist says something about my parents and peers demeaning me for my every thought as a child. or something #which makes sense #its just that i know objectively its silly right? #like if someone says Finn from AT sucks and they cant stand the show because of it #like character opinions are the mlst subjective thing ever!! its literally so okay!!! calm down!! arggf #objective brain knows thats fine and literally doesn't matter #but that knowledge doesnt stop me from spiraling in a way that sometimes takes like a half hour to bring myself down from #or to like convince myself people dont hate me for my preferences and I'm not somehow an iredeemably bad person for liking the wrong cartoon #and this is no ones fault. again its fine and something im getting better at dealing with #i just wish it wasnt so hard. and i wish i didjt feel like a dumbass every time it happened #bit of a vent! sorry!! im just having a tough week and little things have been . worse #baz talks

[yellowbentley]

im tired

im just so unbelievably

unbearably

tired

#someone please be proud of me fuck #im doing uni while extremely mentally ill suicidal every day with an unstable home i dont feel safe in and no support system #im trying so hard and all i want to do is give up. ive wanted to give up for years. the only reason i havent is because i dont have the #option. i think that if i try again i'll mess up and end up in the hospital and that will make everything somehow collossaly worse #i get so little happiness from anything #what a pathetic fucking life i lead. i should just die. god i hate myself #im so far beyond the point of depression i dont self harm like 90% of the time i think to cause what even is the point #no one will see it wont make anyone care i have no one who cares who it will distress #it only stresses ME out cause then thats one more thing on my plate and i cant be assed #i was so ready to go to bed like 3 hours ago and now im wide awake #theres more to this that i cant bring myself to type out #im going to play zelda #because its all i ever do #adventures

[bulletsfrank]

i just burst into tears reading a totally normal post of one of my moots having a good time with their friends and literally Just Living Life because i want to have that so badly. i am so fucking unfulfilled, alone, miserable... and it feels even worse because im doing it to myself

#i hate how whiny this is . my god. i know its not that serious and the post isnt the issue at all... its me. i get this ache in my chest #when i see people thriving socially #like im locked in a cage and all ive been able to do is watch everyone live their lives #having friends and family and spending happy time with them #i just watch and wish i could ever have that. my only friend group all secretly talked bad about me for years #and ghosting them hurts so badly not bc i want to be close to them but because no i have No One #which is somehow worse than being the butt end of every joke and being shamed all the time.. well it feels like it #and itd be as easy as making friends but i cant even fucking reply to my mutuals tweets or posts without panicking #whenevr i stick my arm out it gets bitten #so im living a life of nothing. completely void and lonely and horrible. because i can't. i cant. i cant #i love avoidant personality disorder! #i just wish i could ask everyone why they hate me and have an actual answer

[loud-swearing]

.

#personal #delete later #my sis had a minor surgery weeks ago. #nothing crazy just a gallbladder stone #doc messed up somehow and hit something #she has tremors and migraines and the most painfully vacant loooking eyes. #she cant even walk steady #it breaks my fucking heart to see her like that #its worse when she laughs bc for a sec she's my sister again #and then its back to her unfocused gaze #what the fuck did they do to her??! #where is my sister? #i miss her #every time i look at her i just want to cry #sorry. #i just couldn't keep this in any longer :-(

[todayisafridaynight]

Y7’s ending is so mean because after All Of That they play not only such an up-beat bop such as Ichibanka but ALSO FUCKING ODE TO JOY ???????

#snap chats #WHY #LIKE EVERY OTHER GAME HAS SUCH SOMBER AND QUIET CREDITS MUSIC AND THEN THEY HIT ME WITH THIS WHILE IM SEETHING AND CRYING #AND THEN ODE TO JOY JUST SHOTGUNNED ME WITH THE FUCKING CHOIR #its even worse because i somehow forgot the name to it and i was scramblig to find what it is #ONLY TO REALIZE ITS THIS SHIT #AND IT MAKES ME ESP PEEVED CAUSE I HAD TO PLAY THIS SONG SO MANY TIMES FOR PIANO PRACTICE AND I SOMEHOW FORGOT #IT WAS ONE OF MY FAVE SONGS TO PLAY HOW THE FUCK DID I FORGET #anyways im shaking im crying im angry im still an aoki enjoyer and i still want to gut kume like a fish

[urostakako]

im about to complain so hard about irl people u best believe it

#but its not really about this person specifically. disregarding the fact she annoys me so much #this girl has always made me feel like an evil bitch who is only capable of hurting everyone around me. and her friends told me as much #and whats worse is we used to be friends too. im not gonna lie and say i never made mistakes in my friendships #but theres a difference between showing me i did something wrong and demonizing me for it #but somehow she has been following me everywhere i go. she followed me to a summer program. she followed me in volunteer programs. #she followed me to my damn high school and then she followed me to that stupid group job interview #and shes better than me in every single way and i wouldnt care if i just didnt know her #i hate feeling jealous and petty like this because then i feel like im proving her right but oh my god #i wouldnt care if i didnt get that job if SHE didnt answer those questions perfectly with no struggle or stutter and such a big smile #everytime she shows up its like theres no point that i do anything at all #who cares if i dont get a job but why would it have to be given to HER. and i know it will. because shes better and she always does #the only time she doesnt get something is if she herself refuses it. and i try to ignore it i try not to feel this way #because it feels so gross and like she was right about me all along. but im so tired too #aricouldyounot

[rivaiin]

ok now that ive had a couple of hours to sit on it the new conversation with buzzo at the ending of joyful sucks absolute ass. i liked the rest of the new content Specially the new boss in painful but the stuff with buzzo is..............................

#wheres the nuance the care the love thats on the rest of the game #if we take what buddy says at face value its weird cause she barely knows who lisa is #so how could she know what kind of relationship she had with buzzo #and if we take it as buddy somehow channeling the spirit of lisa to spill that stuff its probably even worse #cause like whats the point of every other interaction between buzzo and lisa then #i sort of get the idea that they wanted to portray buzzo as a pathetic man but like. he already was #just maybe not in the same way as other pathetic characters #this mans been hung up on the same thing for his entire life but like. it was a life changing event. it Was traumatic #he blames everyone except the person that was actually hurting lisa and keeps taking some kind of fucked up responsability over it #even tho he was a child at the time too #hes not cool for deciding to carry out a lifelong revenge against someone that was as against the wall as he was #like i just dont get what was the point of it all #to rub it in that hes not over lisa after all this time? as if it want already obvious? #and the entire conversion is so awkwardly written #like i dont remember the exact line but when buddy says she knows cause shes a woman #as shown in literally the next post credits scene she doesnt know what a mother is but she has lived the Normal girl experience #honestly being a hater here but it doesnt feel like they would say that #speciallt after how good the rest of the new content is #the campfire conversations are wonderful and all the stuff from painfuls secret boss really fleshes out brad a lot more #Anyways i liked the de stuff but the price hike and the bugs and this really spoils the experience #at least the old version of the game is still there