#okay okay ramble over i really nees to stop procrastinating and just post it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

logicallyblind · 3 years

Text

hello and welcome to my list of Weirdly Specific Things I do because of my untreated &/or undiagnosed mental illnesses:

(disclaimer I have been diagnosed with generalised depression and anxiety disorder but I amn’t medicated and don’t go to therapy)

- have no internal drive to do anything at all despite,,, wanting to? like “i need to wash my face. it’s 11pm my face feels gross i need to wash it” *does nothing* “i want to wash my face i need to get up go wash it.” *still does nothing* “it’s 12am i WANT TO WASH MY FACE ITS BEEN AN HOUR I NEE-“ and i still can’t move to actually do it??

- random bursts of intense productivity that can/will fizzle out half way through the activity that i then abandon and move onto something else

- has a HORRIBLE memory and forgets things constantly including names, dates, directions, things i’ve literally just been told

- DIRECTIONS. I CAN’T DO DIRECTIONS ITS LIKE MY BRAIN HAS A MENTAL BLOCK AGAINST THEM I HAVE NO CONCEPT OF GEOGRAPHY OR HOW TO GET SOMEWHERE EVEN IF I HAVE BEEN THERE A MILLION TIMES ITS EMBARRASSING

- will forget the piece of information i was literally told 12 seconds ago but can recount a conversation i had with someone perfectly from 8 years ago

- can’t do things without music but then it’s like this music doesn’t fit, too loud, too fast, this doesn’t fit, BAD NOISE WRONG NOISE, this one is distracting me wrong, okay now this makes me want to tear my ears off- this is the perfect sound, no wait this one doesn’t fit anymore either fuck-

- more under the cut -

- this happens all the time with music/tv/films like suddenly the sound is Too Much and i can’t handle it so i have to turn it off NOW even if it means abandoning a film half way through or most of the time just watching something with subtitles and no sound

- over talks/ rambles CONSTANTLY in conversations despite knowing that i’m doing it i can’t make myself Stop

- have clenched my jaw hard enough over the years that i have developed tmj and get lockjaw moments at the worst possible times

- flits through topics in conversation seemingly completely at random to other people with no connection to one another/ talks so fast that i start stumbling over my words and it takes a minute for my brain to catch up to my mouth

- will lose track of the conversation i’m currently having half way though and will trail off and zone out or go “...wait what were we saying?”

- ZONES OUT A L L THE TIME ESPECIALLY WHEN I SHOULDNT like when i’m cooking/driving/using knives etc etc

- jumps between being obsessed with a certain hobby for maybe a week before completely abandoning it and moving into the next one

- procrastinates watching a film/tv show for literal months but will watch tiktoks and youtube vídeos for hours

- opens tiktok *watches one* *goes out and goes into instagram* *scrolls for about 30 seconds* *goes back to tiktok* *goes to safari and reads paragraph of fanfic i was reading* *goes into tumblr and reads one post* *back to tiktok again* *remembers a post i saw on instagram 2 weeks ago and tries to refind it* *back to tumblr* and then rinse and repeat.

- jumps from obsession to obsession since i was a child like i don’t remember a time when i didn’t have a slight obsession with at least one type of media that i sold my soul and body to and learned every available scrap of information on it and fixated on it for anything between months to years at a time until my brain latches on to the next thing and then it’s just rewind to the start of the cycle again

- used to be able to inhale books and read like 1000 page books in a single sitting to now being unable to finish reading a single paragraph without losing track of what it’s saying/ losing interest and just giving up

- has to write everything down into lists to try to organise it in my head because everything gets all jumbled up/ messy or i get distracted when it’s just in my brain

- Cannot Do Math To Save My Life i can’t concentrate on the numbers long enough to solve the problem before my brain starts focusing on other things instead or the numbers just?? float away like when i try to do maths in my head it’s like the numbers are made of smoke and i’m trying to keep them in place with my hands and if my concentration slips for even a second they just disappear it’s infuriating

- bites fingernails/plays with hair/taps fingers/ plays with fingers/ twisting earrings or necklace literally for as long as i can remember

- gets weird mood swings where i will randomly go on these like ?? idek highs?? like i’ll get all jittery and hyper and feel like i can Do Anything And No One Can Stop Me LETS CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF AND SET THIS GARDEN ON FIRE RIGHT NOW to like really intense lows where i don’t want to do anything and all my emotions have been like sucked out of me and i’m just .. a person

- randomly has these realisation moments when i’m doing things where i’ll stop and be like “i...am a human being...who is...being alive and breathing right now??? i’m a real person??? i can do things and those things will have consequences?? what the fuck. what the Fuck. what is this..”

- lacking emotional responses? or maybe intelligence i’m not sure really. like i’m not sure if it’s just a repression thing or if i genuinely just don’t have an emotional response to certain things but i just?? don’t feel any different on an emotional level? idk man i’m not sure how explain this one in text

#this is basically me making a list of things that have been pointed out to me as 'weird' by people i know #to make me feel less like i'm losing my mind in my own head #anyways #mental health #mental illness #depression #anxiety #anxiety disorder #lgbt #diagnosed #tmj #bnha #marvel #therapy #pls i need it #vent post #i suppose

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