#so they continue to treat me well. because I am a little paranoid about that with doctors

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! It's weird question time again! So that doctor I mentioned before that I wanted to make a dog plushie for because he has improved my quality of life so much* (and also inexplicably reminds me of like a greyhound or a borzoi) is my endocrinologist And, as my endocrinologist, he recommended back in December that I go see a rheumatologist, because he thinks I might have rheumatoid arthritis**. The staff at his office have been trying to get a rheumatologist for four months now. I know that, because yesterday I got a call from the rheumatologist's office and the nurse I spoke to said "Your doctor's office has been very...persistent about getting you this appointment" So now I kinda want to get something for the whole office? But idk what I could get them or make them. Like, in non-medical contexts I'd make cookies or brownies for a group, but I can't bring cookies to a doctor's office. I mean, I guess I could, but if I were them I would definitely not eat them, and I run the risk of allergy-ing a fellow patient. Is there like a gift basket or gift card or thank you card or something you can recommend?

*I mean he maybe should have found a diagnosis before offering me steroids about it but the low dose steroids have made such a HUGE difference in my quality of life I am thrilled with Tennessee's weird (to me, with my experience in California) medical practices **I don't think I have enough joint pain for it to be rheumatoid arthritis, but he's like the fourth doctor to tell me it's weird that when I got hives they usually started on joints, so maybe I'm wrong? I have the weird version of enough medical things that at this point I would not be surprised if I had Weird Rheumatoid Arthritis.

#the person behind the yarn #I want to show my appreciation to these people! #but in a not-super-weird way #because they are my doctors and I want them to think I am a normal human who is rational #so they continue to treat me well. because I am a little paranoid about that with doctors #because of That One Guy at the local urgent care back in socal #who decided one day I had anxiety instead of. you know. allergies. #and he saw me before the allergies got super bad when it was just moderate hives and gave me anxiety meds about it #and then like a year later I was in the beginning stages of a severe allergic reaction #which I knew by then was going badly so I went to the urgent care (like my doctor told me to!) to get steroids for it #and the same guy gave me anxiety meds again and sent me home #I had to go back the next day to get steroids #and the second doc took one look at me and like left the room to go set up a steroid shot #I was COVERED in hives #anyway it both makes me appreciate good doctors #and makes me want to try very hard to make them think I am Not Anxious #something both normal to want and possible to achieve lol

[hildred-rex]

LXGF Reread 2023-11-20

To make an analysis post I am currently rereading what is shaping up to be the entirety of LXGF.

This has gotten incredibly long, so I'm burying it under a readmore.

I love the bit of dramatic irony here. I think it's technically spoilers which bit is the dramatic irony, but just trust me, it's great.

The wham shot of Mina's teeth is so good. And coupled with "We have some experience with such matters."...

From this page: The supportive hand on Irene's shoulder. The supportive hand on Irene's shoulder. And Irene really looks haunted in the "An explanation would be welcome" panel. Everything from the angle she's looking to the shadows under her eyes to her interlaced hands. I just want to give her a hug.

Bam. The king. (Isn't looking quite himself, is he?) I remember I shuddered when I first read this page and came to this panel.

The king continues to look very bad on the last panel of this page. (TW scopophobia and disturbing imagery.) And the color. It's so subtle you almost don't notice it the first time, just that something about the page seems slightly off. It's very effective, even at that level. And then when you do notice it... Nothing in this comic is in color. Everything is sepia-toned. That's the way things should be. But the dead King Wilhelm von Ormstein has yellow eyes.

VAN HELSING! And it nails how he talks in the book! (Having tried to write him, it's harder than it looks.) Not to mention the joy in my heart upon continuing my left-to-right scan of the panel and seeing QUINCEY MORRIS!

I've skipped a bunch here because I'm supposed to be focusing on Griffin and haven't even gotten to him yet but Art—

JONNO EYES (not sepia. I repeat: not sepia.)

I forgot how much I loved our introduction to Dorian.

And then we actually meet him (and see Paul Lessingham, the Politician, the Statesman—thank you, alt text!). He's angelic when you focus only on him, but when you look at him in context (in the panel with Basil) he's... less so. Very well done!

Foreshadowing. (When something becomes not technically probably spoilers I have a very laudatory post about all this.) Also floppy Dorian lol

I love this page. Not only do we see Dorian purposely provoke Art (and then see Art react, showing off both of their characterss) we see—and I missed this the first time—some of the dynamic between Dorian and Basil. He jumps in to distract Art, despite being scared himself (and Dorian having earned it).

Awwh Basil looks so excited that someone's treating him kindly...

Dorian's stories from this page are all allusions to other things which have gone onto the "read soon" list.

The last panel of this page is so effective. (Its image description too!)

"boring filler headline" lol (and I enjoy the tags)

DETERMINED MINA PANEL 2! BLUSHING MINA PANEL 6! Also just Mina's outfit in general. (Also just the LXGF outfits in general. I love the little garlic flowers.)

Paranoid Kemp is done so well.

LXGF is very good at having very effective final panels. This one with the glass... It's very well composed (I think that's the word) and does a good job of displaying Irene's discomfort with the glass. (Here.)

It was introduced on the previous page, but here's the first time we get a good look at Jonnovision. My favorite cryptid solicitor.

On the next page there's more cryptidness (the speed), which I didn't notice my first time through. And his eyes are glowing in the first panel... And then the first expletive of the comic! Such a great way to properly introduce Griffin!

I love (in a sad way) how Griffin just caves in when he thinks about the murder. (Here.)

Griffin's whole first scene is incredible. I can't comment on all of it or this post would be several more miles long. Just go read it and imagine me vibrating with excitement and pointing at random bits and screaming.

Character growth for Jack! ...I'm now very sad.

The panel with Jonathan and the angelic smile and the giant knife is great.

I've been annotating over here less because we've gotten to the bit that I'm talking about in my actual post, but rest assured that I love it. Also, the yellow is brighter here. And the eye... I'll count myself lucky if that thing doesn't show up in my dreams tonight.

And the shot of the photo at the end here! The corruption happening to the king slowly coming to affect depictions of him... I love this for spoiler-related reasons.

Griffin's realization is both very well done and unaccountably hilarious to me.

Hel-lo Mr. Holmes!

He respects her change of surname! Better than a lot of adaptations... and the table lmao

He. He what. Also floomp.

Holmes's immediate concern for Mrs. Hudson warms my heart.

HOLMES AROACE COMING OUT SCENE!

Accurate VH voice is back—what the deuce are you two talking about?

his blood is yellow his blood is yellow (well really more like golden)

Also Jack looking panicked in the second panel is so well done.

Almost namedrop! And Griffin being a delight as always.

Hello Jekyll! Great to see you! I enjoy your almost alchemical-looking setup there.

The king is progressing...

Same page; I enjoy Jekyll and Hyde's designs. They have the same hairstyle, very similar noses, and the same style of eye; but they still look different enough that you probably wouldn't believe them if they said they were cousins.

"He is a horror of the un-dead." Line of dialogue, presented without comment.

The drawingsss...

The first panel of this page is absolutely stunning. So is everything else. So much that I wrote an analysis rant of it.

#analysis #league of extraordinary gentlefolk #for most of this reread I had JubyPhonic's translation cover of “YELLOW” stuck in my head #long post

[bloobluebloo]

A little personal background story from yours truly about 9/11 under the cut

Thinking back on the post I reblogged, it reminds me of why OoT became such a formative experience for me, because I had played it in the aftermath of 9/11. I was 11 at the time, and had already been subjected to some harrowing experiences that really made me feel othered. To give just one example, at the time I was going to a school that was probably 95% white, most of the kids being Italian Catholics. I am Italian on my mom's side, but I took so much after my dad's looks that for all intents and purposes I looked like and was treated as a brown kid. That alone was enough to fuck with me for years because I felt like I was being rejected by my own kind. It wasn't necessarily that I had no friends; I did have friends, I was the weird nerdy kid that went off the rails on my interests. However, I was never considered one of *them*, and for the people that bullied me they often bullied me because of stupid things like *smelling* like curry which had me so paranoid I was locking my clothes in the closet, and having a weird sounding family name that no one could pronounce properly. Just for added context, my grandfather was friends with the school principal who was an old Italian lady and knew many of these kids' grandparents as well, and yet I was still rejected and treated as the brown kid. Post 9/11, my French teacher, in front of the whole class, points to me and the other Arab kid in my class and asks if it's true that our religion mandates killing disbelievers, that if men die in that line of duty they will get 72 virgins in heaven. I remember that other kid looking at me as if I was supposed to know the answer and needless to say, that damaged my sense of belonging even more because everyone was just *staring* and well...yeah. ANYWAYS, playing OoT at a time where it felt like the whole world was trying to villainize me for things that were completely out of my control and then seeing the Gerudo, how their world villainized them, how at the time their emblem was so similar to the one used by my religion, how the Gerudo's goddess was seen as evil really just had me going "Oh, you guys too huh. You girls seem pretty alright. Maybe your king isn't as bad as this game is trying to tell me he is. I'm not as bad as the world is telling me I am. " Ganondorf, for all his villainy, became like a hero in my eyes. I think, had I played OoT at any other point in my life it would have not affected me as deeply as it had at that point.

Of course this is one of the many, many things that I continued to suffer post 9/11, but ya know. I often see Ganondorf stans are people who have suffered deep pain in their lives and I can understand that so much. I always admired Ganondorf because he had the balls to not accept being told he was inferior to others, that he fought back and seized what he believed was his right to have, that he refused to bow, and I always carried that with me until slowly I became that person that didn't accept shit from others and began to live my life the way I wished and made my place in this world.

#its late and im taking a not so nice trip down memory lane #but good things did come out of it #ruminating and writing this out felt cathartic #might delete later #we'll see #admiral's log

[kaiokentimesten]

Hello! so you’re like one of the very few blogs I know that has a better understanding of c!schlatt- and I just kinda wanted to know what he’s all about! :D I don’t 100% trust the general understanding the fandom has for him (for the very reason that some people think vilbur is even accurate to canon) and I was interested in what you know! :)

Oh anon!! Tysm that's so sweet of you to say :D it's crazy to think I am one of The c!Schlatt Guys to some people. This rant gets p long so I’m putting it under the cut sorry this took so long lollllllll

It's pretty fair to not trust the fanon understanding of c!Schlatt because...well, it's not great. Generally, people see him as just a horrible, abusive monster and an absolute villain up until the end, which...isn't the full story, imo. c!Schlatt to me shows off some of the ugliest parts of humanity, and what happens when you refuse to better yourself and accept help

There's a steady decline to c!Schlatt. As the DSMP goes on, he becomes more unstable and a lot more paranoid, not even trusting the people in his own cabinet. He loses himself in his own addiction that he only relies on because he's in so much pain all the time, as seen in Fundy's "A Spy's Diary". Quoted directly from that:

"Schlatt has a severe addiction to alcohol and cigarettes to suppress his aching body. He is unwilling to get it checked due to his pride. If the symptoms progress, he might suffer fatal consequences." (Page 17)

"Schlatt is incapable of swimming. After further inspection it seems to be a form of muscle atrophy. He uses protein supplements to regain a viable level of strength. He seems to get weaker by the day." (Page 18)

He was too prideful to get any help for his illnesses, so he continued to spiral downward. His treatment of others led to him dying in a van, surrounded but alone since everyone at that point pretty much hated him. It's sad, tragic even, because it didn't have to be this way, but it was

Still, this isn't to say Schlatt doesn't do horrible things. The way he treats people—Quackity, Niki, and Tubbo in particular—is terrible. There's the festival where he executes Tubbo, but there's also his heavy taxation and singling out of Niki, and the abuse he constantly bombards Quackity with. There's this clip I always think of where Q is trying to propose to Schlatt, and Schlatt's ignoring him and brushing him off up until Q threatens to leave. Then, he puts on this sweet voice and goes "where are you going? come back!" only to call Quackity a flatty patty when he does. (clip here.) It's cruel!

Schlatt is such a fascinating antagonist because he knows just how to get under everyone's skin. His cruel pettiness is absolutely perfect for everyone involved (especially someone like c!Wilbur), and the best part about it is how he does everything in such a fucking funny way

That's the thing. c!Schlatt isn't this cold, unfeeling monster that just abuses everyone around him—nor is he constantly shouting at people and hitting them. He's calm, collected, and he's funny. He's able to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, and he's able to rally people against you because of his charisma. It's so cool! I love it. I love this guy so much even though he kind of sucks

But, like I said, to say that he's just A Villain does him a bit dirty I think. His addiction and chronic illness plays such an important part to his story, and I think it's a disservice to have it go unmentioned. He's a guy with a lot of problems that did some really shitty things, and isn't that just perfect for the DreamSMP?

TLDR: c!Schlatt did a lot of shitty things but calling him just a one note villain does a bit of disservice to his character imo. He’s my little bah bah blorbo etc etc

#holleh.ask

[kneelbeforeclefairy]

So my beloved @bestnoncannonship has been away for three days at a family wedding looking at cows and cishet people and cishet people looking at cows and I've been left here alone being erratic and impulsive so I decided to make her a treat for when she comes back.

And what's the exact opposite of cishet people at a wedding in the Midwest ? That's right, Hannigram.

And I've had the recipe for sanguinaccio dolce saved for a while

So first of all I want to do it with blood. There's quite a few recipes online that do it senza sangue, but then it just becomes chocolate pudding and that's no fun . And Hannibal does it with blood, and so shall i.

So we live in a very multicultural area. I figured that if any butcher shops have blood it's gonna be here. So in my naive ass marches into the local butcher and say "do you carry pigs blood?"

And it goes over pretty well. Guy says it's the first time anyone's ever asked him but they don't carry it, but he can order it. That's not gonna be good enough, Will is coming back TOMORROW. I need it TODAY. so the quest continues.

I call five more butchers. Nothing. A few can order it. A few can order beef blood. I figure someone else in the area might know, so I make a post on my local reddit board. The initial replies are...less than helpful.

So I call more butchers. Between the butchers advice and googling I come to the conclusion that Asian grocery stores, especially Filipino grocery stores, might carry this. So I was all set up to get on the subway when Google tells me there's a Filipino grocery store about fifteen minute walk from where I'm standing.

Huh.

(my Will also loves Filipino food. So this will make all of us happy. )

So I call the store, ask about pigs blood and the guy just goes "oh yeah we have it " so down I go to the Filipino grocery and I've got a container of frozen pigs blood in the time it takes for the clothes to come out of the dryer.

(about five minutes after I get it someone posts on Reddit telling me to go exactly where I just went. )

Okay, so skipping forward. I don't have the Feeding Hannibal cookbook, but I found a video of a guy doing the recipe online. I don't usually like recipe videos cause ADHD but let's do our best.

So first step, let's make orange bowls.

I am not a neat person. I can't do the pretty and the presentation. So I'm a little scared I'm gonna break it but let's try.

There we go. The recipe needs basically a half an orange per person, and another one for zest. So I of course, got five, in case I couldn't make the bowls pretty, and I can use the fruit for fresh mimosas.

Yes, I'm also planning a breakfast.

So the orange bowls go in the freezer so they keep, and we start on the pudding itself. Step one, break the chocolate into pieces.

I used semi sweet. I feel like Hannibal probably would have wanted a 100 percent dark chocolate but I like things sweeter so semi sweet it is.

Now, the moment you've been waiting for. Let's defrost blood.

Honestly this step made me crazy. I suddenly got paranoid I wasn't going to cook it right, or it would get everywhere and contaminate the cooking area or....so everything the blood TOUCHED got scrubbed, cleaned and boiling water sanitized.

The package said defrost it in the microwave or in the refrigerator. But the guy at the shop said hot water defrost it. So I did that.

I don't know what I thought it would look like, but it looked like THAT. frozen pigs blood. I was at once repulsed and intrigued.

So I swirled it around in the hot water and eventually one cup melted. And because I am Not Neat, it got everywhere, including apparently on my cheek. Remember that detail for later

Very "out out damn spot," no?

I admit to being a Western World White Person and being freaked out by the blood. But it was also something oddly sensual about it. Like that's BLOOD, my dudes. That's an animals LIFE FORCE. Our world is very sanitized.

Anyway, blood gets defrosted and it's time to add it to the almond milk.

It was around this time the repulsion of working with blood wore off and it just became an ingredient. A very pretty ingredient that , as you can hear from the above video, I liked watching. The swirls in the almond milk reminded me of pink marble. I loved it.

So now we must (rince) stir.

From here on our it's rather like making a pudding. Add sugar, chocolate, and SEASONINGS.

The guy in the video said the recipe calls for orange zest only aa decoration, but he used it as a flavor, in addition to cinnamon, so I will too. Also, if you go back to the show, Hannibal is shown throwing in some spices, one clearly whole cloves and someone commenting on the video identified the other as cardamon. Both of which I have!

Hannibal may be a Caucasian Male but he's not a White Boy. He seasons his food.

So then it's just stir forever until it thickens and turns this beautiful BLACK color.

Then, remove from heat, put in the fridge and wait for Will!

More in the next post because picture limit!

#hannibal lecter #hannibal #hannibal tv #nbc hannibal #feeding Hannibal #hannigram #will graham #homosexual audacity #sanguinaccio dolce #baking

[staryeclipse]

I wanna do so many things, especially things that would give my soul light. Like streaming, and just talking nonsense about whatever comes to my brain. I realise when someone starts to talk to me about things they love, I just. Fully want to talk about stuff and be excited with them, but I keep thinking of how I need to think of what to say for them to be interested with talking to me and

That's so tiring yknow?

I wanna talk but I feel like I can only talk if someone is really interested. Like interrupt me to continue the train of thoughts!! I've only had this with my very small group of friends, and without talking to them for a very long while? I don't have the release I want. And that's sad for me. I probably need therapy LOL but the short free one I did didn't feel enough for me to talk through my stuff and I wasn't satisfied

Also streaming! I really want to do it but like, I am paranoid when my family members are around. Like my family doesn't treat me that badly I think, but having a weakness around them feels bad. Like procrastinating-work-because-I-have-to-do-it-in-clear-view-of-everyone-and-I-don't-want-to-be-judged level of bad.

Basically if I stream I gotta do it at night. Maybe it'll be called "Ramblings of StaryEclipse", or RoSE for short LOL

Honestly it's been so long since I've like, gave time to my thoughts? Like it's 5.30am and I haven't slept, but I also haven't processed what has happened in the past day yknow. I want to talk, not necessarily to people but for myself if that makes sense? Like I want to talk but not be judged, but also have somebody listen. But honestly with my ADHD moment I feel like I'm just gonna keep rambling and talking to myself about all these different things cause like. I have a mind that argues with itself already, might as well use it for my benefit.

This is very much a rant but not angry or emotional? It's just smth that makes me feel a little bit more free, and more tired if it makes sense lol.

Been watching d20 from dropout, and I really wanna make funny voices, or create beautiful landscapes with words and ideas... But that requires me to have a private space. Which I don't. Have. Bleh

Whatever I'm settling for actually blogging my thoughts so YEAH WHATEVER

#not a vent but a rant #just giving out my thoughts and things. more to come! #etalks #etalks RoSE #im gonna collapse now i think #gnite everybaddy

[greyeyedmonster-18]

Hi I am sorry I am not from America and I always thought the 4th was a happy thing. Why do you say it is not? I don't want to be rude just trying to understand (sorry if this is mean or bad English is not my first language)

helllllo, anon <3 (also please know this answer isn't targeted AT you, and you're....allowed to have questions and not understand; i did not interpret this as rude, you've done nothing wrong. i have answered and unfortunately, it is just a subject that makes me very passionate and blunt)

cw for below the cut: us politics! disability politics! roe v wade mention; gun violence

so personally, i have never liked the fourth because i hate fireworks! Since i was a child! I would camp out at home during the fourth, refusing to go anywhere because I hate loud noises and nothing activates a trauma response for me more that banging and booming and popping for sometimes hours (also if you have lived in a city ever, you know that the first week of July, and end of june is also often filled with fireworks, for no reason). i am very thankful that the past two years i have been in a very sleepy little part of my state and the fireworks haven't been an issue but like hell am i going anywhere

(also road closures? forget about it. crowds? nah, im way too paranoid to go anywhere with swarms of people and the News Today! Should tell you why! I stopped going to the movies years ago!). i have never celebrated, never gone to a fourth party, never done anything relating to this holiday.

and you know.

politically.

i find it very hard to celebrate "independence" and "freedom", especially these past 8 years when rights continue to be taken away; when a man endorsed by the KKK was able to be elected into office. where laws are made to protect guns and not people (lol did we hear in texas how 100 MILLION was given to increase school safety, and 50 million of that is going towards "bullet-resistant" shields for police officers? cool cool cool). where people with disabilities cannot get married or have a job without risking losing their benefits; where bodies are treated as expendable; are battlegrounds and identities are debatable. where you're a whole person in one state and can't cross a border into another without fearing for your life. where the right to love and marry whomever you want regardless of race or gender is a question, and something up for discussion.

where we are on YEAR THREE of a global pandemic with no end in sight and money is continuously prioritized over well-being of the people who live here. its amazing to me that money can "just be found" when our military needs it, but we were unable to provide checks to people during the pandemic, or housing to people who need it or hell even make fucking tampons free. where i am forced to live with the results of failed leadership on behalf of the potus (Vote! is the new thoughts and prayers and i am sick of it) and there are RAMIFICATIONS that trickle down to my place of work, and where i attend school, and where my kid attends school, and how people exist in this world. where representatives who are trying their damn best to fight for us, are labeled as lunatics. and that's not even all of everything.

I flew on a plane a few weeks ago for the first time in three years and while I was in line at security, with my child, there was an "ALL STOP" called over the PA system and I was standing there, while the TSA agents listened to their radio, calculating an exit plan for my kid while I was fully prepared to go into the fire should anything happen. That is the world we are living in, the country we are living in.

that isn't something i'm going to celebrate.

life liberty and the pursuit of happiness my entire asshole, tbh. i am not celebrating jack shit.

#asks #grey answers #and grey is over it #cw: us politics #cw: gun violence #cw: roe v wade #i am posting this and if i get any other bullshit trying to argue with me in my box it will be deleted #the end

[seyaryminamoto]

Am I imagining things or is Ozai about two steps away from having a mental breakdown identical to Azula's in canon. Seems like Zhao and Seethus are the only two people keeping him from becoming an unstable, paranoid wreck. Zhao also seems to be secretly getting less confident in Ozai and might even side with Azula in the future for the sake of The Fire Nation's future, helping her in some long term plot to get rid of her father. Yep yep, I thin Ozai is in for another betrayal in future, hehehe.

... Weeeeell, not exactly.

I mean, there's definitely several similarities in both character arcs, many of them accidental, some of them 100% intentional because ultimately, Azula's downfall in canon is a consequence of following her father's footsteps way too closely even when she knew, deep in her heart, that it wasn't what she truly wanted (at least, that's how I've always interpreted it). Hence, it's only natural that Ozai's philosophies would burn him back if the situation were reversed somehow... and you could certainly argue that it is reversed in Gladiator.

But, this being said, Ozai's thought process is quite different from Azula's. He's a lot less prepared to doubt himself, even if at times there's a sliver of opportunity that he'll do a minimal amount of self-reflection... but in his case, that doubt, that self-reflection, only arrives AFTER he's done his worst. So... imagine Azula not having any moments of vulnerability in canon, no mirror scene, nothing of the sort, and only after utterly defeating her brother and Katara would she go "... wait, why don't I feel 100% happy about this?" That's, more or less, what Ozai's path of devastation looks like. The man's just... unhinged as hell right now. I honestly never imagined I'd hate him as much as I do after writing this arc x'D I always took him on as an interesting challenge of a character due to how messed up he is, I never shied away from showing him at his worst... but damn, the way he's betrayed Azula while pretending she's the one betraying him just makes me see red every time I think of it.

So, after that digression there, Ozai still has a lot to offer the story, there's much character exploration to be done still, so we're really not going to simply retread canon's footsteps by just switching around the characters taking each role... nah. There's a few points in common with canon for sure, a few concepts I've definitely tampered with and played around with in order to sort-of challenge canon in my own way, but I wouldn't inflict a fate like Azula's canon fate upon a character, not when I have pleeenty of story left to tell about said character, for better or for worse.

Zhao... well. I fear Zhao's relationship with Ozai is getting messier and messier, but... that doesn't necessarily mean an alliance with Azula is in the cards for him. As will be demonstrated once Part 3 begins... Zhao is actually a little bit more spooked by Azula (and Sokka) than he ever had been before. Even after growing to respect her some more, deep down he continued to treat her as a child when it came to her big "betrayal", he saw it as the whims of a young woman who fell in love carelessly, so on and so forth... never did he expect she and Sokka would be able to not only escape Ozai's wrath but get Combustion Man killed in such a brutal and dangerous way. So... he's apprehensive. Rightfully so, I would say, because he's finally seeing Azula and Sokka as more than just younglings without common sense... no, now they're fully-grown assholes with no common sense and a very strong attachment to each other that seems to have convinced them to set the whole world on fire if that's the only way they'll save each other.

So... to put it simply, Azula, Ozai and Zhao are in for a veeeeery messed up dynamic going forward. There's an underlying tinge of affection in a few of those relationships (... not really in Azula and Zhao's case, I'll admit), but more than anything, there's a toooon of resentment, hostility and fear of whatever the other one will do next. It's kind of like that scene in PoTC where everyone's aiming guns at each other? Yeeeeah, that's what these three will be like, going forward...

#anon #gladiator #part 3 is a rollercoaster ride of disasters #and Ozai's mood is just... dark the whole time #because he's an asshole of the grandest kind #and he has no notion of consequences because he spent his whole teenage years #feeling all consequences for his actions were unfair #and he convinced himself that if things don't go his way #it's everyone's fault but his #he's a dumbass #and he's in power #and that makes him extremely dangerous #... and I would like to punch his pretty face yes I would

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

It was the little things prt3

Scene: Shiro (Kuron) raises his voice one too many times and Lance breaks trying to do better

Premise: Lance’s Papi was an abusive drunk. Please don’t read this one if you’re easily triggered. Lance has panic attacks. He tries to hide them. Catching Keith at the wrong time pushes him over. Before Keith leaves for the Blades. Angst. Langst. Hurt with unexpected comfort. Secret dating where Lance has been hiding a huge part of his past. Domestic violence.

*

Running into Hunk and Keith at the elevator, Lance thought he’d have more time before seeing Keith. He knew he’d hurt him. Like really hurt him. Awkwardly staring at each other, Pidge stepped in to give him a little push towards Keith, before reaching out and tugging Hunk out the elevator

“Come on, Hunk. We’ll take the next one”

“But what’s wrong…”

Hunk was cut off as the elevator door closed. Lance still standing in front of Keith like an idiot and unable to meet his eyes. But this was Keith and he had to explain himself, because Keith really hadn’t deserved what had happened earlier

“My Papi used to hit me. More accurately he was a drunk who was violent towards me…”

Keith sucked in a shocked breath. Yeah. Lance knew hearing out loud was pretty shocking, continuing

“… I… he once broke my wrist. Well, he hit me and I fell. I’m sorry about what happened in the kitchen. I didn’t know how to tell you what had happened in the past, not when you’d been through so much and I didn’t want you to think I was comparing our situations. I… I’m trying to be okay, but I don’t think I am. Whenever it comes to hand to hand, I keep freezing. And… I know Shiro wouldn’t hit me, but my Papi was bigger than me. When I went to the Garrison, I tried to start over. I started doing all the things he’d never let me do or try. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you”

Silence hung between them before Keith conceded and wrapped his arms loosely around him

“I wish you had. I’m your boyfriend, you’re supposed to be able to talk to me”

“I know… I… get really bad thoughts and scared you’ll think I’m dirty”

“How?”

“Papi was violent… and when you’re raised around that… I don’t know. I mean, what if… if he forced himself on Mami? What if she didn’t want me? What if I’m the reminder of one of the worst times of her life?”

“Lance…”

“Don’t tell me I’m being stupid… and don’t tell me I’m nothing like him”

“But you’re not”

“But I’m a constant reminder. They say babies are innocent but… I feel so guilty sometimes. I don’t feel innocent”

Keith sighed at him heavily

“You’re not responsible for your father’s actions. No more than I am for Mum leaving. You told me that. We’re not our parents”

“I know… it hasn’t been this bad for a while… and… I love my Mami and my siblings… I miss them so much. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I know I hurt you”

“You did. I feel dumb”

“You’re not… you’re not dumb at all… I don’t want you to treat me differently and that scares me too…”

Keith’s temper flared

“What am I going to do? Kick you off the castle because your father was a piece of shit?!”

“No…?”

“Exactly. About what happened in the kitchen, I had intended to tell Shiro about us. I don’t know why he had to make it sound so bad. I feel hurt that you didn’t trust me with this, but it’s not easy to talk about it”

Keith wanted to break up with him… he totally knew it

“I’m sorry. Once I’m out the pod, I’ll come get my things”

“What? Why?”

What did Keith mean? If they broke up then he’d want his space back

“You don’t want to be with me, do you?”

“Lance, no. I mean. Yes, I want to be with you. And I’m sorry that I’m upset you couldn’t tell me. Would you ever have?”

“I wanted to… but when people find out… I can’t… I can’t stand the way they look at me. I get so paranoid they all know and that they’re laughing”

“If they’re laughing at what he did, they deserve to go out the first available airlock. I’m not going to tell you I need space, but I need to get my head around this. You never told me it was so bad at home. Is that why you’re at the Garrison?”

Lance took a deep breath to steady his nerves

“No… he… he died… He lost his temper at me after drinking. We hit a tree and he died”

“Quiznak, Lance. Why… why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

Lance flinched hard. He knew he should have told Keith, but talking about it was so painful that he could have gone his whole life without telling anyone

“I’m…”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. You should have told me. When you don’t tell me things like this how am I supposed to feel? I’m meant to be there for you”

Backing out of Keith’s hold, he got that Keith was upset but he really needed a cuddle not a lecture

“I know! I know you didn’t have a fun time in foster care but this is completely different! I don’t want to be that person! It was horrible. I feel like I’m the whole reason and I feel like… like if I hadn’t been born… then Mami wouldn’t have been hurt… and he wouldn’t have died… I know I should have told you sooner but… but I don’t want to be… I don’t want to be that scared boy hiding under the kitchen table. Mami always told me I’m not him, but… but when I did something and she’d say “just like your father…” what if I am? What if I hurt you like he hurt me?”

Quiznak. He shouldn’t have brought up Keith’s time in foster care. No one had really known what to do with Keith after his dad died… and he knew how lost his boyfriend had felt and how he’d never been able to trust anyone until Shiro… only to find out that Shiro had been hiding how ill he really was

“Lance, you’re not him. I… I don’t know why he’d hurt you. You’re loud and annoying, and you flirt too much, but they’re you’re best qualities, because all of that is you trying to make us feel better. I’m sorry I’m angry. I want… I thought… I know it’s hard, but I want to hear the bad stuff too. I told you mine so… so you can’t not tell me… He did all of that, not you. You can’t help it. So don’t say you shouldn’t have been born. You’re my boyfriend and my best friend… and if you’re dirty then I’m dirty too, because I like you how you are”

Keith wasn’t dirty. What had been done to him hadn’t been his fault. He’d been a hurt and confused kid who’d needed love and let down

“But I screwed up…! I made Shiro mad”

“Shiro shouldn’t have lost his temper with you. The amount of times we’ve all screwed up in training is enough that he should have known better”

“You never broke your wrist”

“No. It was bound to happen to one of us. Some of those levels are really tricky. You told me once you see me. I see you too. I see all the little things you do to make everyone feel better. Like the way when I drop my armour off when I’m changing. You always pick it up and put it neatly in a pile… and the way you know I like sleeping on the outside, you’ve never complained about it. I just want to be there for you too”

Lance knew he did. But he couldn’t flick a switch to turn off the memories of his past. His wrist so sore he thought he might throw up, and the elevator had stopped

“Can… can we call a time out for now?”

“On us?”

“No! No… I mean, can we talk more after I’ve been in the pod? I don’t want to be dramatic but this really hurts”

“Shit, Lance. I forgot. Fuck. Yeah, hold on”

For some reason, Keith moved to support him like he couldn’t walk. He could just fine, yet the feel of Keith against him kind of felt comforting as they made their way to the medbay

“Um… thanks”

“You shouldn’t have to thank me for helping you”

“I’m going to anyway. I… talked to Pidge a bit, she helped me calm down, but… can you guys not talk about it? If… if have to do this, I want… I want sit down and talk to you properly first. I’m sorry I was so scared it’d change the way you looked at me”

“It doesn’t trill me confidence that you hid it from me for so long”

“I know… I… I’ve wanted to tell you, but I don’t know how I got lucky enough to be your boyfriend in the first place”

“Lance, there are bigger and scarier things right out side the castle, and you make all of that better. You showed me what it was like to have real friends. And you showed me what it’s like to be cared for. You’ve been caring for everyone with no one to care for you”

“That’s not true. I might pick up your armour but you showed me how to use a training staff. Shiro would have had my arse and I would have probably broken down a long time ago if you hadn’t”

“You’re the one who told me I could be the Black Paladin”

“That’s only because you’ve had it in you all along”

“It’s only because you showed me I could rely on everyone, especially you to back me up and call me out”

“Only because your ideas are sound most of the time”

Reaching the pod, Keith hesitated to let him go. Lance didn’t love going into a pod at the best of times. The castle trying to kill him had put a real buzz kill on being magically healed. Kissing his cheek, his boyfriend pulled away to cough into his closed fist

“We’ll talk about this more after you’ve healed. We need to get that wrist of your healed. We can’t go out to battle without our Red Paladin”

Right. His only use was piloting Red

“Oh… right”

“I… fuck. I don’t mean it like that. I mean, there’s no one else I want watching my arse more than you”

Lance felt himself blush… He still didn’t know how to truly accept praise gifted to him without ulterior motives, so deflected

“It is a nice arse”

“You’re an arse. I’ll handle Shiro. It was a training accident. Not because you wanted attention. I know. I can’t believe how he acted”

“He’s just worried for his little brother”

“That’s beside the point. We’re a team. When I say “Vol” you say?”

There his idiot boyfriend was, using his own words against him. Lance feeling himself smiling despite the pain

“Tron?”

Pressing the button to open the pod, Keith then moved him so all he had to do was step back

“Exactly. When you come out, I want to tell the team we’re dating”

“But…”

“Nope. I wanted to tell Shiro tonight, but he doesn’t get to be the first to know”

“Actually, Pidge worked it out already. She said she noticed how close we’ve gotten… she said she wouldn’t tell until… we’d, you know, told people”

Letting out a small laugh, Keith shook his head

“Trust her to. Everyone else thinks we hate each other”

So Keith had noticed that too? It worried him that people really thought they hated each other. He didn’t want to be seen as a bully, even if he’d kind of bullied Keith because of his own insecurities. He’d been so jealous, and if he could go back and hit himself then he would have

“You’re not mad?”

“Nah. It just means I can do this and not care”

Before Lance could ask what Keith meant, his boyfriend kissed him. Lance stepped backwards in surprise, activating the pod. He was sure Keith looked thoroughly smug as the glass locked into place and the pod gas knocked him out.

#it was the little things

[watermelons-autism-blog]

First post from Italy

Hopefully, I'll be able to continue and update here many many times more.

Here I'm sure I'll be honest, not like I probably will be when I have to submit my experience essay at the end of the program which I found out I'm going to have to write.

I'm thankful I'm a very conflict avoidant person, as I've told jokingly to my friends "I don't conflict", because I don't get along with my roommate too well. It's not a roommate from hell type of situation, she's actually pretty quiet and organised; my difficulty is with her being absolutely paranoid and conflict-searching. She's afraid of everything, EVERYTHING that happens. And not in the anxious way, I know how to deal with that, when my brain works a bit better than it's doing now, I'm a pretty anxious person as well (I just realised I referred to my brain working better, when I'm anxious, that's a can of worms I'm not sure I want to open), but in a very sheltered/spoiled kid way, and I have an awful time with that.

In my family growing up practicality was one of the most valued traits and/or skills you could ever have, and I have some trouble understanding when it isn't that important or deeply rooted in someone. You could say I'm in survival mode on the constant and that's why this is getting on my nerves, it's probably partially true.

Why I'm glad I'm very conflict avoidant, is because I don't want to make my annoyance, a 'me-problem' if you will, an actual problem, spoiling what little calm and quiet we do have. You know, a little peace and quiet and otherwise slight inconvenience is so much better than yelling matches and not talking to each other.

So there's that.

The university here is beautiful. Very clean and new buildings, loads of insanely nice people, good food places nearby. I like it a lot. The teachers are very cool (I met two so far), and the lectures will be interesting.

The third nearest store is the one I decided I will be going to to buy my groceries. The two closest are not too nice, they're a bit expensive, way too crowded and one of them is in the part of city one doesn't go to alone (which I discovered the hard way: I walked right in that direction I was not supposed to, so I turned and walked back as fast as I could, more on this in a next paragraph). The third one is a big store, you can find everything you could possibly need, the lights are not too bright, though they're cold, which I don't prefer usually. It has air conditioning, no crowd, only a few people walking around inside, the radio they play is pretty nice and quiet, I can go inside without needing headphones (that's insane for me, I have not been able to comfortably go to a grocery store without them for 3 years now). So I have that figured out.

The next obstacles I will need to tackle will be public transport (I've walked everywhere), figuring out the online university platform (if anyone has anything useful about Moodle please help me out), and setting a routine for myself.

The routine will be an interesting thing to deal with. Right now I still feel very uncomfortable doing everything, like eating, cooking, sleeping, but I hope my brain will come around. It's hard to plan on the long run because, I still am unable to think about the fact that I'll be living here for a few more months, so I think refusing to create a routine here is partly because of that.

I sent in the last of the documentation required to my home university, hopefully I'll get my scholarship soon as well. (they still have not sent it, it's starting to get concerning)

I also caught a bit of a fresher's flu, and have a 2nd degree burn from the tea I was drinking, trying to treat the aforementioned flu.

I had 3 migraines the past week and a half, from stress I'm guessing.

Now for the "fun" story:

I wanted to buy some food from the chinese food store I found online to be a 3 minute walk from the apartment I'm staying in, so I headed there. The first thing I got spooked by was the crowd of people, especially youngsters, high schoolers that swarmed in front of the fast-food establishment, but I got through the other side of the crowd. There I saw a bunch of teenage guys, walking in a hive-like formation, and past them another bunch of shady looking fellas. It wasn't particularly about their looks, but the way they spoke, yelled if I'm honest, it was loud, rowdy and I don't speak Italian, or whatever language they spoke, I'm pretty sure it was Italian though. And they weren't the funny laughing rowdy kind, just generally yelling, and I'm scared of that. Anyway, when I turned back around I encountered another similar rowdy group of young adults. Later, I told this to my friend, who's been living here for a year now, I found out that is the part of town you don't go to, unless you have a deathwish, or just want to be mugged. So I'm very happy I turned back from there. Sad news is I won't be able to go to the chinese food store here.

#erasmus+ mobility #autistic adult #travel with autism #exchange programme with autism #erasmus #autism #autism spectrum #erasmus tips #autistic positivity

[codegengar]

i think this is the first surgical procedure i have gotten – a cystoscopy for my chronic utis. i was reading last night while staying up that it was painless, just uncomfortable. the internet was right. the only part that hurt was when the doctor put the numbing cream on, because he had to stick it inside a little. but going to the washroom throughout the day has been a bit uncomfortable as well. hopefully that will go away in the near future.

we got breakfast at marulilu today. it was my first time going after always seeing it on ubereats. i let d order as usual. the menu were old printed sheets of paper placed in plastic sleeves, which would have been fine for me to browse, if it were not for the fact that they were visually dirty. i’m sure they are sanitized, but just the grey and green indications of unknown microorganisms within the sleeves… my little hypochondria-tic heart could not take it. i did leaf through it, but the many options overwhelmed me so i left it in d‘s hands. we got a curry omurice, a single eggs benny (which had salmon chunks), and a japanese styled breakfast. the omurice was the only item i really liked. the hollandaise sauce on the benny was really runny, and their english breakfast muffins were either not toasted or not fresh… or something. it was not the greatest. i do not know much about food. we had two pots of earl grey and this time i drank it wish milk and sugar, which i usually do not do, but i felt like i deserved the treat for going to the hospital.

we walked and waited until murata was open at 10am. i always pass by it on the bus, but never went to visit the shop. it is a purely japanese store – all the items were from japan and are very traditional. from painted porcelain cups to incense, i felt like i was back in kyoto, checking out one of the store fronts by the shrines. d really liked the shiba inu bag with the ramen bowl and green accents, but he has a hard time buying things for himself. so i got it for him along with a little five piece card set of cats for birthdays. he got me the chopsticks i wanted (it was part of the cat-chopsticks line that i had started collecting from sukoshi mart) and a cat postcard walking along a highway by the sea (which reminded me of arriving in osaka). i was very happy with these purchases. the tote bag was bigger than the current free shiba inu one that i had received from sukoshi mart for spending over $100.00.

we walked to my home after. i knew that d wanted more affection and to perhaps stay over for a bit before my parents came home from work, but i knew my brother was at home and that i just wanted to take a nap by myself.

i needed to do a lot of cleaning and re-organizing to prepare for my relatives taking over my room tomorrow, so there would not be any quality time spent together. i had set a timer for four hours, but i should have worn my resmed. i kept waking up from noise upstairs, paranoid that my father had come early and would come to bother me. but later it was found to just be my brother. i am glad that i was able to sneak out successfully for my visit to the hospital, because it was looking pretty worrisome when father had walked out to the backyard to smoke right when i was about to leave.

it was an unrestful last two hours of sleep, which i did not really continue in the last half an hour anyway. i kept having anxious thoughts about being found out, or something. always paranoid about being criticized and/or interrogated. and i was, when i got up and started using the organizers i bought with d yesterday at oomomo to tidy up my hygenic supplies in the bathroom.

it’s just so aggravating to be questioned in your own home of why i am here, like i do not really belong here. i haven’t finished clearing out everything, and it is past 10pm right now, so i should probably do something about that.

alternatively, i can move the boxes out tomorrow, before they come over. i do not know when is that because i am never informed of anything, although hypocritically, i am expected to be prepared for these kinds of things.

there is not much to do as there is no much in my room in general. there are many things that i should get done in terms of academics and the co-op program… but i am probably going to play some valorant if i can find somebody to play.

i can see that dy is playing with her friends in her server, but i do not really want to engage in her group as her and i are already not synergized, as freshly acquainted internet friends.

i think that is enough for today. i will try harder tomorrow to accomplish the things that i want and need. this will be my first post, and i look forward to continuing. the process of thinking through my day and narrating it into words feels like an old exercise i am unconsciously performing, and it feels… nice.

a small, blooming warmth within the the dissociative prison of my mind.

[jaykorianddickkoriforlife]

Here are some tips that life has taught me:

1. When a show comes out, don’t watch it until they’re on the last season, or if the last season is coming out the year afterwards, or until it’s completely done because then you don’t have to sit back to wait. You can just watch it all in one go. I am not patient, so. Not only that, but if you’re a fanfic reader then at point, you have soooo many stories to get introduced to.

2. If you are getting into the heel life, or shoes that rub your feet, and peel it because of the sweat that accumulates. Use deodorant, personally I use the stick deodorant, not the sprays, and it’s helped sooo much with peeling, and skin rubbing. ALSO, to break shoes in, put on some thick ass socks, and just walk in them in your house, and depending on the shoe type, use a blow dryer, blow some warm air inside the shoes, put on the socks, and walk. Trust me. A life saver.

3. Continuously change your passwords. It’s okay to be paranoid to a certain extent. I’m constantly changing my crap.

4. Treat yourself. Sometimes you hear that, or read it, and our brains just automatically think spa, shopping, etc. No, you can treat yourself with the smallest thing especially when life is hectic. Yesterday, I bought myself a twix because I’ve been craving it, and guess what? It was delicious, and I was happy about that. A good little treat.

5. Mix match your socks, switch things up randomly, go out with different colored nails, wear obnoxious earrings, try out different colored lipsticks. People will judge you regardless, might as well give them a reason, and smile at them when they do because it’s a bigger insult when they think that their words hold no meaning even if they do. Little by little, you’ll become so used to it, that you’ll learn to love doing it without even batting an eyelash when you get judged. It helped my confidence so much. Retrain your brain, it doesn’t automatically happen. It takes time, but it’s worth it. Do it for you, not for others.

6. Make a list, get a small little book, and make a happy book. I suffer from clinical depression, and finally started getting help, and I realized mid way that as humans, we don’t remember the good things, it’s difficult to do so because the negative is what impacts us the most. I got this pink spiral notebook, and just started a daily happy list. Some days are extremely difficult, especially the days where I’m stuck in bed because of how draining life can be at times, but I would put one thing even if it’s as simple as “I loved how soft my blankets felt against my skin, how warm the bed was.”, and when you look back, you’ll see how much the little things did help. There are days where I’ve put, “I enjoyed how the breeze felt today”, or “I saw a pretty bird fly above, and I felt calm when I saw it.”

7. You know what’s nerve wrecking? Reaching out to someone you haven’t talked to in a while, to tell them that they made a positive impact in your life. As humans, we don’t like the idea of being perceived, so we think that we don’t make an impact, but we do, we just never know. It feels healing in a way when you reach out to someone to say Thank You, not only do you feel relieved that you finally let your gratitude, but you don’t know if they’re going through something shitty, and a message like that can actually help them. There’s a possibility of getting judged, but it’s for you, for your mind, and your emotions. You don’t have to go into detail, but it feels amazing when you finally get it off your chest.

8. Watch multi-fandom videos, there’s literally nothing more cool than watching your favorite characters life get put out in a very creative, different way ESPECIALLY since you get so many different songs from it.

9. If you can, and if you have the money, or transportation, or the time. Go to different stores, check out new places. Take yourself out to the movies, go to the library by yourself, take yourself out on a date, try new restaurants even if you’re afraid that people are going to judge you for eating alone. As I said, they’re going to judge regardless, might as well give them a reason. Learn to love being by yourself, learn to enjoy your time without being obsessed with the idea of hanging out with people, who at the end of the day, may not appreciate you. Appreciate yourself, BUT always have a form of protection with you. Can’t ever be too paranoid, put your safety first. Always.

10. Have a pinterest. Shit is so fun, literally. It’s like window shopping, fandom art, quotes, poems, mood boards, life tips, hacks, so many things. And if you’re an organized freak like me, make folders. Organize them, have fun doing it. Organize your bookmarks by folders on your phone. If you don’t find organization as fun then yeah ignore this part, but seriously. Make a pinterest. 

#Life tips #Life #Happiness #Life hacks #Depression #self conscious #self confidence #Little things #Pinterest #Writing #Fandom #Traveling #Extrovert #Introvert #Series #Movies #tv shows #self care #Self Acceptance #self love

[cherienymphe]

Stranger Beside Me (Steve Rogers x Reader)

WARNINGS: NON-CON, forced pregnancy, mentions of abortion, toxic relationships, domestic abuse, I don’t know if I’ve ever written anything this angsty in my life

DNI IF THIS OFFENDS YOU

Here is the long awaited boyfriend!Steve fic.

summary: you and Steve have the perfect relationship, and you want to keep it that way. It’s why he can never discover your secrets, but your secrets wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for his own.

~

The first time you got pregnant, you had never been more disappointed with yourself in your life. Not even failing a major class during college had made you feel as bad as you did when you were staring at that little plastic stick, trying and desperately failing to convince yourself that you were just seeing double. How could you be so careless? How crazy it was to think that a small insignificant piece of plastic could change your mood and life so drastically.

You had sat down on the toilet and remained there for hours. So many thoughts were swirling in your head, possibilities that you didn’t even want to entertain but you found yourself doing so anyway. Eventually, you came to a conclusion that was easy to say: you weren’t ready for a baby. Admitting and accepting that wasn’t hard at all. The hard part was the question that followed. 

What were you going to do about it?

You had struggled with that particular part for days, and you were grateful more than ever that Steve was on a mission. You knew what he would do if he found out, what he would say, and it was an argument you were unprepared to have. You weren’t ready to break his heart like that and face the possibility that this could be the end for you.

Steve Rogers, Captain America himself, was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. You were Pepper’s stylist, hired for special events, and having been in town for a company party thrown by Tony Stark himself, that was where you met Steve. The attraction was mutual, but you were a woman of the world, constantly jetting off to whatever celebrity needed you at the moment. A stationary girl trying to have a relationship with a superhero would be hard enough, let alone one whose feet never remained on the ground.

And that was what you told the blond avenger after the second time he slept over at your place. The first time, a week after the party, was only meant to be a one time thing. At least, that was your impression, but Steve liked you, and no matter how much you pretended you didn’t, you liked him too. Before you knew it, you were leading him into your apartment for a second time, mouth starved and hands searching. 

He was the most attentive lover you’d ever been with, touching you like you were nothing less than fine china, desperate for the taste of you on his lips. He held you like he was afraid to break you, and considering that the man was a super soldier, you understood that, but still. His touch, combined with the way he looked at you, made you feel like you were literally the only woman in the whole world. It was intense.

“I know,” he had sighed, staring up at the ceiling as you looked at him. “You just...make me feel so comfortable.”

You had frowned, never considering that. After all, this was only the second time you’d slept together. 

“I do?”

He turned to look at you, a small smile on his pink lips, blue eyes sparkling.

“Of course.”

You rolled over onto your stomach, resting on your forearms as he continued, watching as he reached out to brush a finger over the skin of your back.

“You don’t look at me like a superhero, but instead just some guy who is really great in bed.”

You let out a sheepish chuckle, dropping your head, and he joined you.

“Don’t feel bad. It’s surprisingly refreshing. It makes me feel like I have room to...be less than perfect,” he murmured.

Your eyes met his then, and despite the words never escaping his lips, they were front and center in his eyes, and you sighed.

“We would never work, Steve,” you whispered, surprised at how disappointed you sounded. “You’re always off saving the world, and I’m always off dressing it.”

He didn’t respond right away, mulling over what you said.

“Maybe that’s exactly why it would work,” he said, surprising you.

You frowned a bit before raising an eyebrow at him, curious as to how he came to that conclusion.

“I’ve tried to date. God knows I’ve tried to find a girl who wants Steve Rogers and not just the face of America…”

Steve sounded sad, maybe even a bit bitter.

“...but nevermind the fact that they only see the suit and shield, they’re always left to their cozy lifestyle while I'm off saving the world. They’re always waiting around for me, eating dinners alone, sleeping alone. Having a superhero boyfriend is never what they think it will be, never worth it, and while the breakup is expected, I still feel bad.”

Your heart clenched, and you found yourself scooting closer to him. He wrapped his big arm around you, pulling you into his chest, and his whole face shifted. He smiled at you, eyes hopeful.

“...but you? You’re running around the world almost as much as I am. By the time you even have time to miss me, I’ll already be there, and if not…”

He trailed off, but he didn’t need to say it. Your lifestyle wasn’t exactly compatible with a relationship. At least, not a conventional one anyway. Spending nights alone was normal for you, and having a boyfriend that wasn’t there half the time would hardly impact your lifestyle. 

You slowly returned his smile.

“Okay, Rogers. Maybe this could work.”

And work it did. 2 years and 7 months later, and the two of you were happier than ever. Tony was surprised that Steve found a girl who stuck around, and Pepper was surprised that you’d found someone who convinced you to settle down. You simply told her that Steve had made a convincing argument, but the truth was that Steve was genuinely the perfect boyfriend. You two talked whenever you could, and he had been right. By the time you even had time to miss him, he was somehow always there, knocking on the door of your apartment, doing so until he upgraded to waltzing through the door of your shared apartment. 

Steve treated you like a queen, constantly making you question how you got so lucky. He always kissed you like it was going to be the last time, and he made love to you like he was personally trying to drive you crazy with pleasure. You loved him, you loved him, you loved him. You had even told him first, and he had been sad because he had wanted to tell you first for a long time, and that made you sad. So you let him tell you, and then you said it back, and he’d made love to you like he never had before, and it was there, coming undone in his arms, that you told him you loved him again and again and again.

That was why he couldn’t find out you were pregnant. It would start an argument that would ruin you, ruin everything. Steve was hardly home, and you were no different, and while it was never a problem before, it was no environment to raise a baby in. This was the truth. This made sense. Your doctor agreed, and while Steve was off saving the world on an early weekday morning, you were doing what you felt was right.

The 2nd time you got pregnant, you weren’t just disappointed at your carelessness again, but you were also angry. It was no secret that Steve wanted a baby, probably since the first moment he saw you. You always noticed the way he looked at families, the way he smiled and waved at awestruck children. The man had probably come out of the womb ready to be a father, and you loved that about him. And it wasn’t like you didn’t want children too, you certainly did, but just not anytime soon.

You still had a thriving career, and so did he, and neither one of you seemed ready to give that up in the near future. A baby required sacrifice, and you weren’t ready for that yet, and if the way Steve readily took on missions was anything to by, neither was he. You knew that if he found out, he would fight to convince you to keep it, and you would fight to convince him that neither one of you were ready. Like before, you thought to yourself that it would start an argument that could very well be the end for you.

That was where the anger came in.

Why did you keep doing this? How did you keep doing this? Both of you had always been safe, never going without a condom, but after the first pregnancy, you had even gone on birth control too, paranoid and determined to be more responsible. Yet, here you were, pregnant again. You knew what this would do to your relationship, so how could you be so negligent again? It was as if you were subconsciously trying to ruin everything and you hated yourself for it.

Steve had not been away on a mission this time, and you immediately took all of the garbage out under the guise of cleaning the house. He seemed far more attentive that night than usual, but it could have just as easily been your own paranoia. His mouth covered yours in a heated kiss as he pressed his hips to yours, pulling a moan from you.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” he murmured into your mouth, pulling back before sliding into you again. 

Your legs were tight around his waist, and his hands were tight on yours. The only thing that filled the room was the sound of heavy moans and harsh breathing, occasionally interrupted by whatever Steve chose to say. It never not surprised you how much Steve enjoyed talking to you in bed. Praising you, degrading you, teasing you. He enjoyed making you squirm from more than just his cock.

“You know what would make you even more beautiful? Radiant?”

“What?” you breathed, hands running through his hair.

“A baby,” he mumbled, lips ghosting over your chin, making you freeze.

At first you thought that maybe he knew. Although there was no logical explanation for thinking that, you’d been very careful, you couldn’t help it. Your heart picked up the pace, but then you realized that Steve was just being Steve. He had mentioned children in passing, but it was done in the way that you mentioned children. Always in a future tense. It had never been like this, so straightforward and with a sense of urgency. 

He wanted a baby now.

“Come on,” you chuckled, trying to brush him off, attempting to press your lips against his.

He moved out of your reach, and you tried not to let it show how much you were bothered by this conversation. His blue eyes searched yours, a faint smile on his face as he hovered over you.

“I’m serious. Think about how beautiful you’d be, round and glowing with my child,” he continued, finally kissing you.

His hips snapped into yours, more force behind his thrusts, like the idea of you swollen with his child was the biggest turn on. You never even got a chance to truly voice your displeasure, a moaning and quivering mess until you finally came around him. Once your heart finally settled, you laid there, thinking about the fact that Steve wanted a baby now despite the fact that neither of your lifestyles could accommodate one. 

When he came back to bed after disposing of the condom, he pulled you into his arms, and you settled against him. He pressed his face into your hair, breathing you in, and you closed your eyes, feeling like the worst girlfriend in the world.

“I can’t wait til we never have to buy those again,” he whispered.

Your heart clenched, and you forced yourself to go to sleep by listing every reason you could think of as to why you were doing the right thing. A week later, Steve kissed you goodbye in the early hours of the morning before he had to leave on another mission. 2 hours later, you were in a doctor’s office doing what you felt was best.

The 3rd time you got pregnant, you were no longer disappointed. Not even angry, but just confused. You were leaning against the closed door of your bathroom, once again staring at that little piece of plastic with nothing but confusion. You were as careful as you could possibly be. After the 2nd pregnancy, you always triple checked to make sure that you never forgot your birth control. You made sure that the house was always stocked with condoms.

You didn’t understand it.

You had been startled by a knock on the door, and you hurriedly rushed to get rid of the test. You hadn’t realized how long you’d been in the bathroom, and Steve had started to get worried. At least, that was what he told you through the door.

“Are you okay?”

What a loaded question. Were you okay? Here you were, pregnant for the third time within a year and you couldn’t figure out how. Of course, it was obvious as to how, but it should have been very unlikely. You knew that condoms, even when paired with birth control, weren’t going to be 100% effective. You were an adult with common sense. That you understood. One unplanned pregnancy wasn’t the most ridiculous thing in the world. Shit happens.

Two within the same year still wasn’t absolutely crazy, but it was a little mind bending when you were more than careful.

But three? Three was concerning.

You opened the bathroom door with a soft smile, nodding at Steve as you stepped out.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He looked like he didn’t quite believe you, but being the great boyfriend that he was, he didn’t press you further.

“Okay. Breakfast is on the table. Come eat?” he offered, holding out his hand.

You took it and allowed him to lead you to the dining room. Breakfast was as it always was. Steve told you about the last mission he’d just gotten back from only days ago, and you told him about the latest celebrity going through a meltdown over a dress. You enjoyed these talks with Steve, these moments with just the two of you, and you weren’t ready to alter that in any way. Not yet. 

Sometimes you felt like the worst girlfriend in the world, wondering if you were being selfish for wanting it to remain just the two of you for a little while longer. You adored children, but having them wasn’t just some hobby. You would no longer be able to put yourself first, and with so much of your life still ahead of you, you weren’t ready to stop being selfish.

And that was okay.

What wasn’t okay was the lies. No matter how you tried to spin it, no matter how many justifications you made, you were lying to Steve. Perhaps in one of the worst ways possible. Sometimes you felt like you should tell him, but what purpose would it serve? Nothing could be done about the past, and he’d only end up hating you. That was what you were really afraid of. Having Steve stare at you like he didn’t even know who you were.

But you knew how Steve could be. How clouded his mind could get when it came to children and starting a family. The man enjoyed a simple life. He was nostalgic for what he felt he missed out on, and while there was nothing wrong with that, you knew that he wasn’t going to hang up the shield for it. Just like you weren’t going to put your career on pause for it, and you had no intentions of just letting some stranger raise your child. 

You knew that neither one of you were willing to sacrifice in order to raise a baby in the proper environment. That was why during breakfast, as you held Steve’s hand while you two talked and ate, you decided to go through with it for a third time.

The first time had been hard. You kept second guessing everything. You knew that it was the right thing to do, but was it the right thing to do without telling Steve? Without getting his input? Without even giving him the chance to love this baby before you snatched it away? Your body, your choice right? But was it really that black and white? Was any of this fair to him? 

The second time had been easier. You still hadn’t felt any better about it, but at least you weren’t going through an internal crisis. At least you knew what to expect, because that had been the most nerve wracking part, fear of the unknown. Afterwards, your mood wasn’t as sullen for as long as it was after the first time. You had moved past it fairly quickly, but after all, you had been sure it would be the final time. 

The third time wasn’t anything like that. The guilt still ate away at you, but it seemed more like a standard doctor’s visit. A routine checkup. That was what you told Steve it was. He had offered to take you, but you had declined, and he had sent you off with a lingering kiss. You went to get some coffee from Starbucks afterwards.

The months that followed were filled with the usual bliss that surrounded your relationship. You two went to Tony’s parties, occasionally hung out at the compound with the rest of the team, and Steve took you out whenever he was home. Despite your relationship ruining secrets, everything was perfect.

Almost.

“Everytime you come to one of my little soirees, I keep expecting to see you 4 months pregnant,” Tony said, making you bark a laugh.

Steve only chuckled, and you squeezed his hand, sending him a soft smile. The baby talk had increased as of late, but truthfully, it had been gradually increasing for pretty much a year. If it hadn’t been obvious before, it was now. Steve was ready to have children, and while it had been a topic that was only thrown into conversation here and there, you found yourself skimming over the subject at least once a week these days.

Surely you would get to a point where a serious discussion about it would be unavoidable. Steve loved you, and you were sure that you could talk him into waiting. After all, it wasn’t like you would be saying you never wanted kids. Just not now.

“I’m serious. All ‘Capsicle’ here talks about is kids. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think the two of you had been trying for months,” the dark-haired man continued, taking a sip of his drink.

He was throwing his annual holiday party tonight, always placed in between Christmas and New Year’s, despite the fact that he threw parties on those days too. You just thought that Tony liked any excuse to party and drink.

“Sadly no,” Steve said, his tone surprising you. “We’re still just enjoying each other as much as we can. Right?”

He looked at you, and your smile faltered a bit, but you nodded. That was what you always told him whenever the topic came up. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that Steve sounded bitter, upset even. You turned away from him, taking a sip of your champagne with a frown. You suddenly wondered if he knew, but that was easily dismissed. If Steve knew that you had secretly aborted 3 of his children, you’d be on the receiving end of more than just a strained smile and a passive aggressive tone. 

You worried that tonight would be the night where you’d have the big talk, where you’d have to come out and tell Steve to give you more time. It was wild to think that even though there was nothing wrong with waiting to have kids, you felt horrible about asking Steve to do so. Maybe it was because he’s so sweet? Or because he’s literally never asked you for anything else? Or maybe it was because you had deprived him of what he wanted three times over and the guilt was getting to you.

However, you weren’t able to do that. You hadn’t even realized that you had started to sway until the glass in your hand hit the floor, shattering upon impact. Steve had only a second to turn towards you before you were collapsing in his waiting arms. Against your will, you succumbed to darkness.

When you woke up, you were in the compound. You had been in the infirmary a handful of times so it was recognizable almost immediately. Nat was there when you woke up, and she sent you a small nervous smile.

“Well, hello sleepyhead. You gave us all quite the scare,” she murmured.

You hummed, briefly shutting your eyes as you pressed your hand to your head.

“Sorry. What...what happened?”

“You fainted,” she said, handing you the glass of water that was beside the bed.

You gratefully took it, gulping it down, surprised at how thirsty you were. You thanked her when you handed it back to her and was just about to ask her where Steve was when he strode through the door. His lips were pressed together, and you worried that he’d worried about you, but the sparkle in his eyes betrayed him, and you frowned.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Nat said before making to leave. “Take care of her, Steve.”

He was at your side just as the door shut behind her, and your frown deepened when a blinding smile spread over his lips. You were confused as he took your hand, keeping his lips there as he kissed it.

“Steve…?”

He shook his head.

“Sorry,” he said, sitting down next to you on the bed, facing you as he held your hand. 

The other reached out to brush over your cheek and across your jaw. Despite your confusion, you placed your hand on his, blinking at him, a bit unnerved by the look in his eye. 

You hadn’t seen that look since before you two officially became a couple.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Everything is more than okay.”

He leaned in to press his lips against yours, soft and loving, and you kissed him back. When he pulled away, he looked at you like you were the most precious thing he’d ever seen, like you’d break with one touch.

“You’re pregnant,” he told you.

Your lips parted as his words washed over you, and you struggled to find something to say.

“...what?”

He repeated it with a smile, kissing you again before pulling you into a hug, one you did not return. Everything after that was a blur. Tony came in to make sure everything was fine. Dr. Cho said you were 4 weeks along is what he told you. He’d offered his congratulations, Steve took you home and wasted no time before wrapping his arms around you.

His touch was gentle throughout the night, but it lingered as if he never wanted to stop touching you. You don’t know how many times he made you come around him, but Steve didn’t seem to care about your exhaustion. With his lips constantly attached to your skin, he only cared about getting drunk off the taste of you. You let him have you as much as he wanted. You let him rejoice in this, because it was the least you could do before you broke his heart. 

He was awake in the morning before you, and the smell of breakfast cooking made your stomach growl. Gratefully, you didn’t seem to have any morning sickness, but your stomach still twisted from something entirely different as you made your way to the kitchen. Steve looked like anyone’s dream as he stood there in a fitted t-shirt and pajamas, pushing food onto a plate for you.

“Morning,” you mumbled.

He looked up and approached you with a smile, pressing a kiss to your lips as he returned your greeting.

“Go sit down. I’ll bring you your food,” he told you.

Reluctantly, you did so. You were quiet as he joined you, and you started nibbling on your food.

“Sweetheart,” he scolded at the action. “You’re eating for two now. You need to eat all of it.”

He was right, and under different circumstances you would do as he encouraged, but there was no point in putting this off.

“Steve, I don’t want to have this baby.”

You hadn’t mean to say it so bluntly, but there was no easy way to say it. There was no sense in hesitating. Steve froze almost immediately, and you reluctantly met his eyes as he stared at you. He rested his forearms on the table, a small frown on his face. He looked equal parts floored and confused and hurt, and you sighed.

“...what?”

“We’re not ready,” you whispered.

Steve scoffed, shaking his head at you.

“Of course, we are,” he argued.

“So you’re ready to give up being Captain America?” you asked him.

He hesitated, and you nodded.

“...exactly. You’re not, and that’s okay, and I would never ask you to, but that’s what's going to be required if we’re going to start a family now. You like doing what you do, and I like doing what I do. Neither one of us are ready to put a stop to any of it, at least not for the time being.”

“To be fair, I save lives. There will always be some Hollywood starlet who needs a dress or the latest shoes,” he replied.

“Excuse me?” you scoffed, looking at him like he’d slapped you.

He suddenly huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he eventually said. “I’m just saying that putting that on hold for a few years will hardly impact you. You can always pick it up again like you never left.”

“And why am I the one who has to sacrifice, Steve? You aren’t the only superhero-!”

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” he cut you off as your voice started to rise, reaching for your hand.

He brushed his thumb along the back in what was meant to be a soothing getsure, but you were still a bit heated at the way he’d diminished your career. 

“I’m sorry, okay? I just… I know that it’s going to be difficult-.”

“It’s going to be more than difficult. We’re talking about a baby! Both of us need to be here,” you told him.

He heaved a sigh, staring at you.

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I don’t want to have a baby right now. Maybe in a few years, sure, but neither one of us are willing to sacrifice.”

You watched as his jaw ticked, eyes narrowing just a bit as he considered your words.

“So what does that mean?”

You crossed your arms over your chest as you leaned back, avoiding his eye.

“Y/N?”

“Steve-.”

“What the hell are you saying?”

You flinched, not used to Steve cursing, and you knew that he was angry. This very conversation was what you had tried so hard to prevent, and once again, you were cursing yourself for your negligence. How on earth did you manage to get pregnant again?

You stood from the table, trying to put off this fight for five more minutes, the same fight you’d been trying to prevent for a year. You and Steve hardly ever fought, but when you did, it was for the silliest of things. Things you’d both look back on and laugh at.

Not this.

You heard Steve follow you, and his grip on your wrist was hard as he pulled you to a halt. You spun around to face him like he’d lost his mind. You tried to get out of his hold, but he wasn’t budging. He knew what you were implying, what you planned to do, and he was angrier than you’d ever seen him.

“This is my decision,” you quietly told him, making his eyes darken. “You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t even have to like it, but you can’t make me go through with this pregnancy. Neither one of us are ready.”

“So I get no say?”

He tilted his head at you, and you blinked away tears.

“I don’t want this right now, Steve. I don’t, and I’m not going to change my mind, so what do you suggest we do?”

His face softened a bit, and he stepped closer.

“Let’s give it a try. Don’t put your career on hold, okay? We’ll try to make it work-.”

He cut himself off as you started to shake your head.

“No. I’m not going to take a gamble with our child’s livelihood. There should be no ‘trying to make it work’. When you bring a baby into this world, everyone involved should be 100% on board. Things need to start moving into place to accommodate that child. This is not how it should be.”

Steve swallowed, nostrils flaring as you argued, and you sighed again. The silence that followed was heavy, thick with tension and anger and an impending sense of doom. You loved Steve, but not enough to force yourself into having a baby for him. Your chest ached, and you wanted to cry.

“If...if this means that you don’t want to be with me anymore, then I understand, but… I’m not having this baby.”

He let you go, crossing his arms over his chest, and you stood there, waiting for the verdict. His tongue poked at the inside of his cheek, jaw moving as he grinded his teeth.

“We’re not breaking up.”

He continued before you could feel an ounce of relief.

“...and you’re not getting rid of my child.”

You rolled your eyes, swallowing another sigh as you rubbed your forehead.

“Steve-.”

“Do you hear me? You are not getting rid of my child,” he spat.

He stepped closer, and you found yourself narrowing your eyes at him.

“I went through a great deal of trouble to make sure you got pregnant in the first place, and you think I’m just going to let you get rid of it? Let all of it be in vain?”

His words sucked the air out of you, and your eyes widened as the gravity of them fully hit you. Your mouth parted, but no words came out because what could you say? You couldn’t even describe the shock and horror and disgust that tore through you in that moment, and you slowly took a step back from him.

You raised your hands in front of you as your mind whirled, eyes focused on the floor as you blinked. His confession finally put things into perspective. His words put the pieces together, and your breathing grew shallow as you processed the truth.

“I knew it.”

Your words were barely a whisper, but Steve heard you nonetheless, and you took another step back when he walked towards you.

“I knew it. I knew it. I knew it,” you quietly chanted to yourself.

That was the only thing running through your mind. Had your love for Steve allowed you to ignore what was right in front of you? You were diligent with your contraceptive, so so many pregnancies in such a short time had never made sense. You kept blaming yourself despite what was so obvious. Sure, Steve was family obsessed, but you had never considered the possibility. Or did you simply never want to?

You looked up at him like he was a stranger, vision blurry from your tears, and you shook your head.

“I knew it,” you cried. “I fucking knew it.”

Steve’s eyes were narrowed, and his head was cocked to the side, something in his eyes that scared you. 

“I kept wondering and wondering how it kept happening. How did I keep getting pregnant? It made no sense,” you said, more to yourself than him. “...and everytime...I felt bad. I felt like such a horrible girlfriend, and the whole time…”

You yelped when Steve’s hand made its way to your neck, pushing your back into the wall. His blue eyes were dark and venomous, a thunderous look on his beautiful face.

“You killed them?”

You didn’t respond, opting instead for fighting against him, but he wouldn’t move.

“I knew you should’ve been pregnant a long time ago. I made sure of it! And here I was thinking I did something wrong, that I messed up-.”

“Get off of me!”

You didn’t want to hear anything else about his fucked up plan, about how long he’d been doing this. You wanted him off of you and away from you. He pulled you away from the wall before slamming you back against it, making you gasp. You reached up to his chest and neck, desperately trying to get him off, but he only pressed himself more firmly against you.

“Steve,” you begged.

“You don’t know how badly I want to hurt you right now for what you did,” he sneered.

Your heart sank, and you thought to yourself that his lack of self awareness was astounding. How long had Steve been this way? Had he always been like this? How was it possible that you didn’t know your boyfriend at all?

“...but I’m sure that I can look past your betrayal when you are swollen and glowing with my child. That will make it all worth it.”

He kissed you, hard, and you screamed into his mouth. His hands pushed at the t-shirt you were wearing, his shirt, and your hands pushed at him. He lifted you until your thighs were on either side of his hips, and the sound of your hands hitting his skin filled the room. The food was barely thought about as he pressed your back to the table, pinning you down.

You were more terrified than you were five minutes ago, knowing what was about to happen no matter how much you wished you were wrong. Steve Rogers, Captain America himself, your boyfriend, was about to rape you and force you to keep his baby. It was a sentence you had the hardest time accepting, and all of your overwhelming emotions spilled over, turning you into a sobbing mess.

Did you really miss this, or was he just so good at hiding who he truly was? 

Your hits were doing nothing as he reached between you, struggling to release himself with all of your movement. His free hand grabbed both of yours, holding them to your stomach just as he pushed into you. You threw your head back and cried, wondering how you got here. To think, you had thought that you were so lucky. You had thought that you were a terrible girlfriend for what you had been doing. Life was funny that way.

Your body had grown to crave Steve’s. He’d learned how to condition you so well that your core immediately started to clench around him with every thrust. You hated it, and you turned your head away, not wanting to witness him taint something that had never been anything but loving for you. His lips were on your jaw, searching for yours, and you tried to push against his hand.

With his other hand now free, he used them both to pin yours down beside you, lips finally finding yours despite your evident protest. You kept turning your head away, and he kept following. He tasted the inside of your mouth, hips pressing into yours over and over. The table beneath you shook from the force, and your stomach clenched with the pleasure that he was forcing onto you.

How did he do it? Clearly he’d poked a hole in every condom, but you knew it required more than that. Had he replaced your birth control with placebos? Had he acted alone? Tony had just about everything known to man at his disposal. Had he been in on it too?

“You’re going to look so beautiful,” he whispered into your mouth.

Another sob hit you, and you shook.

“You’re going to be absolutely radiant, and you’ll be just as beautiful when you walk down the aisle.”

You gasped at this, increasing your struggle, but he simply pulled your wrists away from the table before slamming them down. You winced in pain, and he hummed.

“...and I’ll fill you up again and again and again.”

You kicked your legs around him, body trembling as hysterical sobs left you, shuddering with every thrust into your dripping core. A particularly hard thrust pushed you over the edge, and the way you fluttered around him triggered his own climax. He came inside of you with a groan, wrapping his arms around you, preventing you from fighting back at all as he pinned your arms to your side.

His cock was still hard and still inside of you, his lips pressing kisses to your face. You felt like you were in a bad dream, and you wanted to wake up so badly. His lips traveled to your ear, brushing along the skin, and a shudder passed through you.

“Everyone will know that I tamed you, that I broke you until you were mine in every way.”

~

tags:  @darkficreposter​​​​ @xoxabs88xox​​​​ @harryspet​​​​ @readermia​​​​ @opheliadawnwalker3​​​ @nickyl316h​​​​ @captainchrisstan​​​​ @sebabestianstan101​​​​ @villanellevi​​​​ @lokislastlove​​​​ @notyourtypicalrose​​​​ @coconutqueen21​​​​ @hurricanerin​​​ @trinittyy​​​ @hyoyeoniie​​​ @kellyn1604​​​ @sherrybaby14​​​ @cocoamoonmalfoy​​ @mandiiblanche​​ @gotnofucks​​ @oneoftheprettynerds​​ @doozywoozy​​ @sapphirescrolls​​ @threeminutesoflife​​ @searchforanotherway​​ @mcudarklibrary​ @ksjksjkv​

#dark steve rogers #dark steve x reader #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve x reader #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #Dark Fic

[tiredkeys]

Dave/John with paranoid/sensitive partner

Hey, mind if I request something? The main dudes from Homestuck (John, Dave, Jade, and Rose) or if that's too much just Dave and John, with someone who's really nervous/paranoid? I’m really weird cuz if anything living touches the area between my shoulders on my back, I seem to lose my grip on reality for a little bit. I was wondering if you could write them with someone like that, please?

Requested by Anon

Hey! Thank you so so much for this! I am like this as well, so dude this hit home! A lot of these terms are things I use to describe myself and places where I’m comfortable, so please tell me if anything is inaccurate!

John

Oh this boy is clueless and dense as a rock so he’s not really going to notice anything until either he triggers something or you tell him point blank

If he accidentally says something worrying or touches a sensitive spot, he feels immediately awful and will panic if you space out, or distance yourself from him afterwards. He insists that you explain what he can do to keep you safe and comfortable as well as doing all kinds of research on the subject. 

If you tell him, he will listen attentively and ask several questions after you’re done. He might even ask for a drawing of “safe spots” of places you are 100% comfortable with him touching. Also, he will ask about things he can do to pull you out of your head or help you after your brain slips out of reality and is just overall very respectful and supportive. 

For a little while afterwards, he treats you like glass, constantly checking in and using really soft gestures around you, because he really just wants you to feel as safe as you can be.

Whenever you’re feeling especially nervous he will sit down and talk to you, whether it be about what’s bothering you or fun jokes to distract you, he will sit until you’re feeling better. Another thing he likes to do when you are feeling that creeping feeling is walking with you or watching a movie together, whatever you like most.

Absolute master of making you feel comfortable, looks for anything to make you feel safe and goes out of his way to prove he can make you feel safe

Dave

He isn’t a very physical person, so he probably won’t notice somethings up when he's around unless he sees someone else touch somewhere you’re uncomfortable. He will notice that your eyes kinda glaze over and he is quick to pull you away from that situation

He has tons of fidget/stim toys around, so whenever he sees you spacing out or fidgeting because of anxiety, he’ll just kinda toss you one  

King of observation, will probably catch onto your trigger points and grounding techniques

Will ground you, he will bring you back to reality as gently as possible and continue on after making sure you are 100% alright

He will also let you talk through anything that's going on, especially if it's a stim for you or doesn’t make sense, he will sit through and listen to you ramble for hours

Honestly, he's also very paranoid, so everything yall have together is locked up and safeguarded

He is constantly looking out for you, he is always looking out for ways to make you safer

He adores you so much, your comfort is his top priority and he will go to the ends of the Earth for you but you’d never hear it from him. 

#homestuck fanfic #dave strider x reader #john egbert x reader

[the-midnight-slasher-official]

vincent sinclair-breeding

.

WARNING: SMUT. FORCED BREEDING. LYING

you have been in ambrose for awhile now. You cant really remember your life before ambrose. Your positive no one remembers you and or misses you. Yes bo is a huge asshole to you, and vincent is always your saving grace when bo is in a shitty mood. and lester would also be a huge saving grace as well, but hes always away doing god knows what.

Bo was huge on killing you because he didnt see any potential in you. but vincent wanted to keep you, and lester liked having you around also. So bo let you stay with vincent. Bo made it clear that your vincents pet and that your vincents problem. If anything bad happens to you vincent would be cleaning up the mess and dealing with your body. But vincent would never let anything bad happen to you. He always keeps you by his side and never lets you out of his sight.

He fell too deep in love to let you out of his sight let alone going to the bathroom. Vincent absolutely hated it when you sneak out of the room at night. He was extremely paranoid that you would leave the house and run away, and tonight just happened to be one of those nights. you were currently laying in Vincent and yours shared bed. you were locked in the bedroom in the house while Vincent worked away in the house of wax. you couldnt escape through the window because he had bo bolt it shut. you stared up at the ceiling determining whether you hated vincent or not. He kept you trapped here, and would never let you leave his side. But you deep down were very in love him, and you tried to hate him because you couldnt ever deal with the rejection from him.

while you were thinking away your worries and anxiety in the bed at 2:23 am. Vincent was also busy thinking about his worries and anxieties while he was drawing in his wax cave under the house of wax. He stopped drawing a long time ago because he began to focus on the thought of you leaving while he was trying to draw, and now thats all he can think about. So he sat at his desk and thought really hard about what could make you willingly stay without him having to force it upon you.  his biggest turn on's he had with you was your size. you were smaller than him and he found that cute and a huge turn on.

He wanted to take good care of you and give you flowers and give you baths. but he already does that. he already gives you a roof over your head and feeds you three times a day, and gives you baths and every morning he gives you flowers. But he also went to bo for advice on how to keep you close, and of course bo being bo said that he doesnt give a shit about what vincent does with you because your not his problem. But bo did suggest getting you pregnant so you could stay with vincent and it would also give him an opportunity to show you that he can treat you well even when your pregnant and be a good father to the child.

Vincent thought long and hard while he sat at his desk. And he chose that he will get you pregnant so you could stay close to him and rely on him. He wants to do it out of love. Because he loves you dearly. he loves you so much that hes willing to kill his own siblings that hurt you in any way or form. He huffed out of exhaustion and closed his sketch book and cleaned everything up, and shut off all the lights. He headed through the tunnels and made his way up to the trap door that opens to a room in the house. he opened the trap door and hoisted himself up out of it and walked through the house to get to his room.

he opened the door to your and his shared and room and noticed that the light was quickly shut off and you quickly got into a fake sleeping position. he sighed and closed the door and kicked off his boots. he walked over to the bed while taking off his wax covered apron and tapped your shoulder. you got scared and jerked and looked up at him, not expecting him to touch you in any way or form.

"what where you still doing up?" he signed to you.

"i was asleep" you said fake yawning.

"bullshit" he signed.

you rolled over facing away from his side of the bed. vincent got into comfy clothes and slid into bed and put an arm around you and played with your hair until you actually fell asleep. a few hours later you woke up and had to go to the bathroom but vincents hand was wrapped around your waist. you knew he hated it when you left the room at night. but you had to pee very badly.  

you very carefully moved his arm and slid out of bed. occasionally looking behind you to make sure that hes still asleep. you looked over at his night stand and seen his mask. It made your heart melt and you smile. He was confident enough to take off his mask around you. you looked at the ground and seen his discarded clothes, and that kinda turned you on a little bit, and you looked at him and seen that he was wearing plaid boxers and a korn shirt. his long hair was all over the pillows, and his body was wrapped up on the sheets. you admired one of his strong arms behind his head.

you quickly turned around and tip toed to the door. you quietly turned the knob and realized that he locked it. you felt stupid for forgetting that he locks the door at night as well. you tip toed to his nightstand and opened the little drawer it had and grabbed the key. He doesnt know that you knew the key was in there. you walked back to the door and quietly unlocked it and went to the bathroom. after going to the bathroom you walked back to the room. you stepped into the door way and seen vincent still sleeping. so you took this advantage to go downstairs and get a glass of water since you didnt get a glass before bed.

you walked pass a sleeping lester on the couch to get to the kitchen. you didnt want to wake him up either. not that he would hurt you or drag you back upstairs. you just didnt wanna wake him up from his dream. he looked extremely exhausted. you went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and opened the fridge to get some fresh filtered cold water. you filled the glass, and took a few huge chugs. you walked passed lester again asleep on the couch and you noticed the front door. sure vincent would be awake for awhile. so you stepped out onto the front porch to have fresh air. and you didnt realize that you were out there for more than ten minutes.

you heard a noise and turned around and seen vincent fuming angry behind you. he was breathing heavy and his eye brows were furrowed. he grabbbed your arm and pulled you through the front door.  he dragged you up the stairs while thinking about what to do with you. because you just flared up his paranoia about you leaving.  as he reached the top of the stairs, he picked you up and carried you to the room. he set you on the bed and grabbed the key out of your pocket and locked the door. he angrily slammed the key on the dresser. he looked at you wondering what to do.

he thought about what bo said. But he wanted to do it out of love when you were ready and not force. But he realized that he had to get you pregnant in order for you to stay with him. Besides he really wants a kid with you, but he knows that you dont want any with him, at least he doesnt think.

you deep down wanted his kids but you never said anything to him. He stared at you while he thought about how to deal with this, but knocking you up seemed to be the only thing on his mind. fuck he wanted you to have his kids. he walked over to you and pushed you down into the bed.

"vincent. i wasnt trying to leave, i promise. i was just getting fresh air" you said. but he shut you up by kissing you. and lifting you shirt. you swatted vincents hand away. but he slid his hand right under your shirt and groped your chest. the small moan you made was all vincent needed to continue. he roughly slid off your pajama pants and stood back up admiring the way you looked so small and vulnerable for him. he loved how you were so much smaller than him. that makes him feel more confident. He bent down and kissed you passionately. he unbuttoned the crotch area of his pajama pants and took his cock out, without taking off the pants. and he plunged into your soaking wet cunt.

he began at a fast angry pace.

"v-vincent" you groaned. he only thrusted faster. grabbing your thighs and pushing them to your chest as he leans over you and pounds you into the mattress. after awhile he reached down to your cunt and began to rub your swollen nub. making you scream in ecstasy. when he thinks you've squirted enough, he pulled out and signed for your to get on your knees. once you did, he signed for you to open your mouth. you opened your mouth and he grabbed his cock and slid in. throwing his head back as he began to fuck your mouth like he did your pussy. pre cum and spit began to drool out the sides of your mouth and hit the floor and run down your chest. his wet balls were smacking against your chin. every moan you make, made him shove his big hard cock deeper down your throat.

after a few minutes of the wet sounds of his cock balls deep down your throat. he pulled out and laid you down on the bed with your head hanging off the end and he slammed his cock back down your throat. he absolutely loved the way his cock made your throat bulge. he wrapped his hand around your throat feeling the way his cock pumped in and out. he quickened his pace and you felt his balls smack your face over and over. you gagged out pre cum and drool out of your mouth around his cock. he slowed down just to hear the pre cum and drool hit the floor.

he pulled out and flipped you back around facing him and he plunged back in full force making you scream. he fucked you faster than ever before making you see stars. the only sounds filling the room was his balls smacking your ass and your loud moans. he looked down at you signed

"do you want my kids babygirl?"

"yes. yes please. i want your kids so fucking bad. knock me up good baby" you moaned. and that was enough for him to bury his cock deep in your sopping cunt and shoot his seed. he then leaned down and kissed you deeply.

"i love you" he signed.

"i love you too vincent" you said as your forehead pressed against his. he looked surprised that you said that you loved him. but kissed you deeply shoving his tongue down your throat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the next morning you walked down the stairs and seen bo and lester staring at you and vincent. you blushed and vincent held the small of your back as he walked with you to the kitchen. he sat you down at the table and went to the fridge to get you something. you know they heard you and vincent last night.

"fuck loud enough?" bo said shooting you both a dirty look.

"fuck off" vincent signed.

#vincent sinclair #vincent sinclair smut #bo sinclair #lester sinclair

[caitdjarin]

traitor.

Bucky Barnes x Reader

-       Based on “Traitor” by Olivia Rodrigo, Yours and Bucky’s break-up was a surprise to you at least. An even bigger surprise was seeing him with a new girlfriend just weeks after.

Warnings

Angst, Jealousy, Cheating, Moving On, Slight Violence, Language, Bucky being toxic, Self-help, Kind of Happy ending?

As it turned out, your relationship with Bucky wasn’t as stable as you thought it was. After being together for three years, you had assumed you were both happy. When he ended it suddenly, all you could feel was shock, frozen, watching him pack his things. Pack up three years of your life together. You could not hear anything, sight going blurrier by the minute as you sat on your shared bed. His explanation as to why he was suddenly ending things was that he just was not happy with you anymore.

Of course, weeks later you found that out to be a lie. He had introduced his new girlfriend to everyone. Hearing her name from Nat and Wanda, you remembered all the arguments you had had about this woman. Seeing her name on his phone constantly, him telling you that they were just friends, you were being paranoid and that he could have female friends. That was when you realised you and Bucky were truly over.

Seeing him months later at your favourite coffee shop was not the reunion you wanted. He said your name as you walked into the store.

“James,” you signed “it’s nice to see you.”

“It is really nice to see you too, I didn’t expect to see you here. How are you doing?”

Did he really not expect to see me here when I introduced him to the little shop in the first place? And how am I doing? What sort of question is that? “Oh, I am doing incredible, I found out my long-term boyfriend betrayed me and made me out to be some bad guy when he was probably fucking this girl while we were still together.”

“I am doing fantastic; I hope you are as well” you smiled. It wasn’t a total lie, you were dating again, doing well at work, almost at the finish line with your doctorate in English Literature. Once you had said that you saw his face drop slightly before picking it up again.

“Yeah, I am too. We should catch up soon, I would really love to see hear what you’ve been up to” he smiles.

“I’m so sorry, James, I’m just really busy with work at the moment” you said, before leaving. Unfortunately, not even getting the chance to order anything. I guess, it was time to change coffee shops.

The next time you saw him was in a restaurant, three months later, while you were with the guy that you had been seeing. Rafael was everything you could dream of. You had met while he in the library at your university, turns out you were both in the doctorate program. You clicked pretty much instantly, this being your third date.

Walking to the bathroom, you were suddenly grabbed by your arm.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” the person says, turning around you see Bucky.

“What the fuck are you doing?” you whisper angerly, trying to wiggle your arm out of his grasp.

“Why the fuck are you here with some dude?”

“Oh, I’m sorry last time I remembered I was single, didn’t know I couldn’t date people.” He finally let go of your arm. “You do not get to control my life, James. I am a grown woman and last time I checked you had a girlfriend.” You start to walk away.

“You can’t just talk to me like that, Y/N” he slams his hand against the wall to stop you from walking away.

“I am allowed to move on, considering it took you two fucking weeks to go off and date someone, you may not have ‘cheated’ you say in air quotes, “but you’re still a traitor, Barnes” you duck under his hand, walking towards Rafael.

“Can we leave? Find somewhere else.” You say to him, grabbing your jacket.

“Yeah, of course, are you okay?” he says as he wraps his arm around your waist, walking out the door.

“Yeah, I just ran into someone, I didn’t want to see” you lean into him.

Bucky didn’t actually think you would move on. He honestly expected you to be waiting for him after he was done exploring. Seeing you dressed up all pretty, like you would for him on your date nights, made him livid. He couldn’t believe you would bring someone else to this restaurant, the restaurant that you had spent all your anniversaries, where your first date was. Of course, he was being a hypocrite because he had brought some random girl here but how could you have done this? If he was being honest, he was more surprised by the way you had spoken to him; you had never spoken to him like that before, even during your many arguments, you were still respectful.

Graduation day had commenced, a day you had been working towards for 8 years now. Inviting your family and your friends, Nat, Wanda, Tony, Steve, Vis, Scott. All except Bucky. He came anyway, staying in the back, making sure you were unable to see him. He knew it was your day and he didn’t deserve to be there. He was so proud of you, during your relationship, you had cried at least once a day with how stressed out you were, and now you would never have to cry about it again. Walking on stage, you looked as beautiful as ever, your face was lit up in the same way it did whenever you had looked at Bucky. You had grabbed your certificate, smiling for the cameras and then quickly walking back to your chair. Rafael was after you, receiving his certificate as well. So that’s how you met him, Bucky thought. After that, Bucky had left.

Rafael was probably the closest to perfect that you could get. He was kind, caring and hard working. Once you had moved in together, things seemed to be really steady, comfortable. Of course, that meant something would go wrong. Coming home early from work was supposed to be a surprise for Raf, is when you catch him cheating. Literally walk in on him getting fucked by his best friend. You’re not exactly angry, if you were being completely honest, you didn’t feel the same love for Rafael as you once did before.  Moving your things out of your shared apartment, you move in with Nat and Wanda. You decided that being single for a while won’t be the worst thing in the world.

Wanda and Vis’ engagement party was the following weekend, you were truly happy for them. Dressing in your favourite black dress and throwing on a jacket over the top, you drive to the venue. It was incredibly beautiful, fairy lights all throughout the area. You grabbed a glass of champagne and began to sip it.

“You look beautiful, Y/N” you hear someone stand next to you. Bucky.

“Thank you, James.” You say politely.

“You’re the most beautiful girl here, I’m sorry about what happened. You didn’t deserve that.” He looks at you.

“It’s okay, I’m doing okay”

“Have you been writing? I know you graduated a couple of months ago.” He tries to keep the conversation going.

“Yeah, I have, not any stories unfortunately though.” It’s been years since you’d actually talked to Bucky, you missed this. You had always loved how attentive he was to your interests.

“What have you been writing then?”

“Songs” He looks at you confused. You continued to surprise him always.

“Of course, they’re not for anyone to hear but I have been able to get my feelings out and it’s helped me move on.”

“I’m really happy for you, I know I treated you terribly and didn’t do well with the break-up side of things but I really miss you and hope we can be friends again.” He says, moving in front of you so he could see your face. That’s when he sees your face light up again, like it used to when you were in love, he never thought he’d be on the receiving end of one of those looks again.

“Sure Bucky, I missed you too.” 

Authors note

Hi, this was my first story that I actually published. I left the ending open to something happening, in case I wanted to revisit this story and do a part two. I hope you enjoyed :)

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes angst