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vclvetfleur · 5 months

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Freak Show Chapter 6

Buggy x fem!reader

Summary: After landing on a new island, you've ran into a familiar face that you've had none stop thoughts and fantasizied about since the last time you've seen him.

TW: Dom buggy, degradation, NSFW, smut, MDNI

WC: 6.8K (25 words away for 6.9k)

Notes; This is my longest Buggy chapter yet. I am so proud of it. Im also not the greatest at writing smut. I hope you all are enjoying the fic so far. The updates aren't so frequent, but I hope you guys take time to lmk. Thank you :)

Chapter 6: 100,000,000 berries

Weeks have gone by, and you haven’t seen Buggy since. You were sure you’d love it this way, but a part of you felt a bit upset. You didn’t understand why. But there was something about his lack of presence that made a part of you feel empty all of a sudden. You shrugged it off most of the time. But the other day after raiding a village you had come across a familiar face. Buggy’s new wanted poster. 150,000,000. Wow. I guess the Marines weren’t too happy about the incident. You felt a mix of proud, but sadness. It was bittersweet. You ignored those feelings more and more.

You couldn’t miss him, and you weren’t going to allow yourself to.

You arrived back onboard, setting sail for a new place to settle and rob. You basically cleaned the whole village of all their belongings. And you didn’t need to kill that many of them either.

You laid in your quarters, staring at the ceiling, letting your thoughts go wild. You found every time you were alone you thought of the moment you swore to forget. You remembered every detail though. Every word. Every kiss. Every single thing. Especially the way he made you feel. You don’t think you ever laid with a man so determined to make you feel as good as you did. You found yourself staying up nights with your hand in your panties trying not to forget any minor detail of it.

You always finished with a waft of shame coming over you afterward. It was something you never saw coming in a million years. It almost felt like a really good nightmare.

You got up in the morning after tossing around for hours thinking about Buggy. You snuck off to the bathroom that attached to your room, opened the shower door, and slid inside. You turned the handle to let the hot water come over your body. You sighed, leaning your hair under the shower head before shampooing and conditioning it. Another perverted thought crept up and you immediately shook it out of your brain. He looked so good on top of you. Nope. You had to ignore these thoughts. You couldn’t do this to yourself.

This was beyond sick. You couldn’t be trusted with your own thoughts.

But neither could Vivienne. She had conversations with him nearly daily on their transponder snails. They spent hours into the night whispering to one another in fear of getting caught or found out. They didn’t feel good about sneaking around, but what they had seemed worth it to betray their captains like this.

“Where are you guys off to now?” Cabaji wondered, hoping he’d be able to get Buggy to set sail for where they were going as well. It’s almost half of the reason your crews were able to run into each other. The other reason was Buggy’s crazy obsession with ‘taking you down’. But it now seemed impossible now that both of your bounties were so high now. You sat at just 100,000,000 berries. 50,000,000 less than Buggy which bruises your ego a bit. But you were working on it. Your competitiveness always got the best of you. If you couldn’t get the highest bounty, you at least needed a higher one than Buggy. It seemed humiliating to be seen as less dangerous than him.

“I’m not too sure, we just left Longiana.” Vivienne huffed at the disappointment.

You couldn’t stand being alone in your room any longer. You pulled your hair in a silked veil to hide your wet hair before putting on your usual attire. You swiped on makeup before making your way out of the quarters. You were greeted by the crew, listening to concerns they had. Just questioned whatever was next. You had been raiding small villages, trying to keep low before having to go back to find the map of the grand line. It was far too dangerous, not just for you, but for everyone aboard the ship. Sure, the grand line is just as unsafe, but this was something preventable. You needed to act smart.

“Where the fuck is Vivienne?” You complained. You were sure she had a few plans she could recommend to you. She came up with decisions sometimes, it was just up to you whether it sounded like a good idea.

“Unsure ma’am. She hasn’t come out this morning. Even for breakfast.” Lily, a member of your crew announced. She was fairly new. She begged and begged to join, doing whatever it took. She tried to prove that she was brutal enough, but brutality wasn’t the only thing you searched for. The only reason you let her join was she had snuck onboard and stayed for days without anyone spotting her. She was quick. Sneaky. Smart. Logical. That’s what you looked for. And she was of good use to you. You had even brought her along to raids and she was able to sneak by food for the crew that would last you at least 3 weeks. The girl had everything it took to be granted the honor of joining you and your crew. She already had such deep dedication. She even won you over by saying she knew you’d be the one ruling every sea known. It was charming.

“Fuck- I’ll get her.” Your eyes rolled back. You couldn’t be sailing to nowhere. You needed a plan at the very least. You headed to her room and opened the door. Vivienne jumped in her bed, giving you an absolutely terrified look as if she had seen the world's scariest film and was told she’d die in 7 days after watching it.

“Oh keep your panties on. What do you recommend we do?” You questioned her.

“What if I was naked?” She asked you, clearly annoyed at the lack of privacy you granted her right now.

“I’ve seen it already. Not interested. Answer the question. None of these dumb fucks have a clue.” You shook your head, placing your hand against your temple, stressed out already after leaving Longiana. You were stressed even while at Longiana. You needed to plan something. You’ve never been so behind. You were always 5 steps ahead. But you felt like you were drowning. Nothing ever came to mind other than Buggy.

“go to Ginevia.” Cabaji whispered in her ear through her transponder. She hid it with her hair covering it.

“Uh- I think Ginevia might be a good place to lay low for a while. Little to no marines. Secluded. Bars everywhere. It seems good enough to stay…” Vivienne recommended. You waited for another village and Vivienne panicked. “Or maybe… fuck- sorry I didn’t get much sleep last night.” She quickly made up a lie to get you to leave.

“Fine Ginevia it is…” You murmured. “Get rest my love. I need my right-hand man…” You gave her some kind of affectionate words to make up for invading her privacy previously. Her lips turned to a light smile, a part of her dying inside knowing she lied to you.

“I love you.” She granted you that.

“Love you too. Don’t miss dinner today or I’ll barge in here again.” You revealed a smile to her. You rarely showed anyone on board this side of you. But Vivienne was special. Maybe it was all the years spent together or just the fact you’ve always put such trust in her that let you be this way. You never thought she could ever hurt you.

You retreated back to the crew and set course for Ginevia.

“See you later my love…” Cabaji mumbled. Vivienne's smile turned even bigger before pulling the transponder out of her ear. He managed to grant her a smile every time they spoke.

If you could see her, you’d be disgusted.

Hour rolled by and you kept yourself busy by ordering people around. You spent an ungodly and suspicious amount of time with them. You often retreated to your quarters or trained. But you didn’t trust being alone with your thoughts. A rumor flew around that Buggy tortured you and you had gotten a new respect for life and the crew. You knew any day could be your last and you wanted to be around people rather than a hermit. What a load of horse shit.

You even helped out with dinner and setting tables. You sat at the head table, watching people flood into the room. Soon you saw Vivienne as she had made a plate for herself. You spent most of the dinner just giggling and talking to Vivienne about nonsense. “NO! But remember when he was turning around the corner and slipped!” Vivienne cackled loudly.

“No! Please! I forgot! Stop-“You cried in between laughs. “The fuckwad slammed right into a wall and fell!” You let yourself laugh loudly.

“Please stop! My stomach hurts! I can’t!” Vivienne gripped her side, causing you to laugh even louder.

But unfortunately, this could not last the entire night. Slowly everyone left and Vivienne excused herself to her chambers, claiming she was exhausted. You got up and grabbed a bottle of wine before retreating on your own.

You spent the night downing an entire bottle before knocking into a deep slumber.

This became a habit you acquired until hitting Ginevia.

You stepped off the boat before making your way around the village. There were a lot of bars. Vivienne did not lie at all about that. You passed by a wall, seeing wanted posters scattered. Some familiar faces and a few new ones. Monkey D. Luffy… what a dumb name… Roronoa Zoro, the pirate hunter? Oh, there was a new cutie there too. Sanji… looks like a bit of an asshole, but whatever. Nami… God… Usopp. What a prick. Your eyes landed on two wanted posters freshly put up. Buggy the Clown and yours. You stared for a while.

You felt a tap on your shoulder, drawing your sword quickly, looking behind you. No one… Weird. You felt another. You turned around again. Nothing. You felt wind pick up and without looking, grabbed whatever was being thrown on your shoulder. You pulled it over to examine it to notice it was a gloved hand. Fuck- he was here.

You threw the hand on the floor, bringing your heel to it quickly. “Ow! Bitch!” Buggy yelped from the corner as he came back to retrieve what belonged to him. You couldn’t make any eye contact for whatever reason. You pulled your foot off and made an attempt to leave. You didn’t want to look at him out of fear of how you’d react. “Aww come on! Don’t leave me waiting! It was a joke!” Buggy called out for you.

You chose to ignore him and continued to leave him behind. You could not stand to. Be around him right now was not something you needed. This was enough to itch the craving you had for him. You felt the collar of your dress halts you from moving any further. “Buggy let go.” You demanded, a sternness in your voice.

“Oh, come on, you didn’t miss me? I sure missed you a lot.” Buggy attempted to flirt, your eyes rolling. You recoiled, leaning your body away from him.

“Why would I miss you?” You knew why. You did.

“Hmm might be because I fucked you till you barely could even say another word.” Buggy whispered. He was well aware of how embarrassed you had been afterward, but he knew you desired him just as much as he did. At least he tricked himself into believing it.

“Fucking whatever… Just that was the last time, okay? Leave it at that. You’re not my friend. Or my lover. Just some stupid obnoxious clown who can’t seem to leave me alone.” You spit venom his way, hoping he’d take the hint and leave you be. But you knew he wouldn’t.

“I was here first!” Buggy yelled like a child.

You just ignored him once again, vanishing in thin air. You wandered around, making sure not to bump into anyone to blow your cover. You took this time to steal from the small shops around town. But it seemed like you constantly ran into Buggy. Despite him not seeing you, it seemed like you couldn’t escape him. You finally had gone over an hour without running into him before seeing his wanted poster once again. You couldn’t do it any longer. You had to find him. Just to get this off your mind already.

You wandered around town, unable to find him. The only place he could be was his ship. You walked along the port before finding the boat with the obnoxious jolly roger with his makeup look painted on it. You couldn’t believe you were letting your urges get to you this much. You wondered around before finding his quarters. You opened and shut the door, reappearing in front of him. He sat at his desk creating a new map. He looked a lot less flashy than you were ever used to. You never even knew his hair was that long. You always just assumed it was a part of his hat. His hair was bound with a hair tie as he just sat in his usual striped shirt and pants. You couldn’t help but look at his arms. They were slim yet muscular with small scars scattered around them.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Buggy asked, putting his pen away, laying back in his chair. His head turned to you, waiting for a response.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about it since we left the Marine base. I wouldn’t come if I really just wanted to humiliate myself. So don’t make this as embarrassing as it needs to.” You confessed. It hurt to even have to say it. You never had to beg for what you wanted. But you’ve also never wanted something so bad.

“Oh, so you did miss me?” Buggy laughed at you. You groaned, wanting to make an attempt to leave, but you couldn’t pull yourself from doing so. “Beg then…” The room fell quiet. You’ve never had to submit to a man like this. Nor would you have ever allowed this kind of treatment.

“Fuck! Fine.. Plea-“ You began before Buggy cut you off. “No. On your knees and beg.” He ordered. You bit your lip contemplating if it was worth your dignity before lowering yourself on your knees.

“Please- I really just want you to fuck me again.” You begged for him.

“How much have you been thinking about me?” Buggy seemed to be entertained of the idea of you thinking about him. You huffed, ready to die of embarrassment. “Don’t act all shy now. You’re already on your knees.” Buggy pointed out, a laugh escaping his lips, enjoying seeing how seemingly easy this seemed for him now.

“Fuck- okay-… uh, like…” You couldn’t seem to actually confess any of this to him. You swallowed your pride eventually. “Every night. Whenever I’m alone, I always think about it. It’s the one thing I can’t get off my mind.” You quickly spewed out.

Buggy leaned in, seemingly interested in the fact. “Oh, so you really need it bad huh?” He asked. His elbows rested on his knees that spread apart from each other before returning to sit upright.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need it.” You said in a sarcastic tone. “Now can the humiliation please end?” This was all so degrading for you. Having to beg for sex was something you never had to do. And having to do so much for slight attention didn’t make it any better.

“Oh, but darling, the humiliation just started.” Buggy laughed at your embarrassment. You shook your head, deciding you were too good for this. You already lost so much of your pride to continue to let this all occur to you. You got up from the floor, heading towards the door mumbling under your breath. “Un fucking believable.”

Buggy watched you for a bit before sending a hand to grab a fist full of your hair and dragging your entire body back onto the floor. You fell down against the wooden floorboard, your knees and hands attempted to catch you. Your eyes went over to Buggy as you heard his boots hitting the wood as he made his way towards you. “I’m not done having my fun.” Buggy bent down in front of you, his face filled with sinister and sadistic ideas of what to put you through.

“I’m not gonna sit here and be humiliated.” You tried to protest.

“Well it isn’t really about what you like right now. You came here. You said you wanted this. I thought you never went against your word…” Buggy continued to demean you, using your own words against you.

-14 months ago-

You had gotten back to your ship after a loot with a few of your crew to see the entire ship disheveled. A few of your crewmates tied against each other or poles that ran throughout the ship as things were thrown around.

A pit of boiling rage filled you up. You dropped whatever was in your hands, a large thud hitting the floor with small clinging continuously hitting the floor. Your hands grew clammy and your face grew hotter by the second. “What the fuck happened here? What the fuck did you idiots allow to happen here?” Your voice boomed throughout the main deck. You inched closer to one of the crewmates, snagging their bounds off of their mouth and grabbing the root of their hair to look your way. “You better give me a good reason that my shit was taken, or you all are being thrown overboard.” You threatened. Vivienne scrambled to assess the damage. “Don’t you think it's a bit harsh…” Vivienne quietly chimed in.

“Shut the fuck up! Unless all your shit is ripped apart and stolen because of incompetent fuckwads, then you have the right to tell me what’s too fucking harsh!” You lashed out before turning back to the scared crewmate. “Now- who the fuck did this?” Your words coming out slowly to demean the crewmate even further. You drew a dagger, placing it under their chin.

“B-b-buggy… His crew ambushed us… It was so fast we couldn’t see it coming…” She cried, snot and droll coming from her face and down to her chin. You pulled the dagger away and released her hair as if it was poisonous to the touch. “Where the fuck did he go?” You asked.

“Look for me?” Buggy called out, standing on a barrel that sat upon the quarter-deck. He held a rolled-up scroll in his hand, waving it around to mock you. Your vision turned completely red, drawing your sword and charging over to him.

Buggy laughed manically before sending a punch over. You drew your sword, swinging to deflect it. You knew it would not do anything to him, but in the moment anything seemed like a rational thought. You forgot he wasn’t normal. His hand reattached itself behind you before striking you in the back of the head. You stumbled, not ready to hit the floor yet. You recovered quickly before charging again. You disappeared, but your footsteps gave you away. Buggy threw punches, missing most of the time, but catching you once he heard your footsteps more clearly. You swung a sword at him repeatedly, chopping him into tiny pieces before he put himself together. You held a grip on your neck, throwing you against one of the shrouds. You reappeared before him, his fingers growing a tighter grip around your throat. His laugh grew more annoying to you than ever.

He stepped down with a bit of a flashy performative state as if he was ready to do a show for the entire ship, bouncing with every step. “Checkmate, sunshine.” He laughed before stepping onto the bowsprit. He jumped off, landing on a smaller boat. You were paralyzed as he left his hand there to keep you pinned. “You morons! Go get him!” You cried out. The only non-bounded crew attempted to grab a smaller boat before realizing they were all sunk and destroyed by Buggy's crew. “Captain we don’t have any…” One of them confessed. You were finally released, and you rushed over to the railing before screaming out into the sea.

“Fucking listen to me! I never go against my word! And I will not stop until you and your crew are fucking gone! I will do whatever it takes!” You cried out. You were completely and utterly embarrassed and defeated.

-now-

“You know…you always knew how to make a girl feel so special.” You said sardonically.

“I mean- I made you feel pretty special at the marine base didn’t I?” Buggy reminded you. It seemed like this was something that was constantly going to be held over your head.

“You’re fucking ridiculous…” You shook your head. You weren’t sure if you were willing to go through this humiliation anymore. You stood up, trying to get the point across.

“I mean- it is your choice.” Buggy hops off his large chair, taking steps towards you. He walked over to you like a dark cloud ready to engulf you in. “You could either leave and hold this embarrassment of sitting here on my floor begging for me or…” His gloved hand reached down to your chin gently as he lifted your head up to look him in the eye. “I can give you exactly what you’ve been apparently thinking about every single night.” His last words huffed out, mocking the desperation you obviously were in.

You fell for it almost immediately. Your legs grew weak, your chest rose up and down quicker and your body leaned into Buggy’s touch, so desperate for him to give you exactly what you were craving. You broke his gaze out of complete embarrassment of what you’ve become. You’ve never behaved this way towards any man. No one made you feel the way Buggy did.

Your eyes left his and to a bottle that he carried in his room. “Fine- but can I have a drink so I can at the very least?” You needed more courage. Something to break the persona you had going for you.

Buggy’s hand flew to the bottle that he watched your eyes revert to, grabbing it before landing it back in between the two of you. “If it makes you less of a prude, be my guest.” His lips curled into a smirk. His finger flung the cap off before handing it over to you. You took a heavy breath, preparing for the awful strong taste before taking a pretty hefty swig. You’ve gotten a lot more used to it due to your time at sea. But it never got easy or tasted good enough.

You took a few more, gagging at the taste before setting it down. “I’m not a fucking prude by the way. I just need some sense of dignity.” You insulted him.

“You lost that bit of dignity the moment you came in. here begging me to fuck you.” He pointed out. He grabbed the bottle before taking a drink out of it with no problem. Just another way Buggy wanted to show off to you. The bottle sat back down on the counter, Buggy turning right back to you. His hand laid on your lower back, pulling your body against his significantly larger one. Your eyes laid on him, taking in everything you found strangely beautiful about it like the day at the Marine base.

Buggy leaned forward, pressing rough kisses into the nap of your neck, biting down a few times. You wanted to protest in fear of having marks being left on you for your crew to see, but the euphoria from it left you speechless. Only a few murmurs and whimpers left your lips. Buggy held your body up, holding you close to him as his kisses peppered down your collarbone. A few gasps left your lips, his teeth sinking into your skin, growing hungrier the more noises you made.

“You really want me that badly?” his voice in a rough tone, undoing your shirt, eager to see you the way he did just a few weeks ago. He exposed you to himself, taking in the sight before toying with your breasts.

You couldn’t help but let out another small whimper, nodding to his question. “Nu-uh. Verbalize your words, darling.” His lips curled into a sinister grin.

“Fuck-“ You were finally able to mutter something out. “Yes- Yes Buggy, I want you. Really really bad.” You gave him what he wanted. You just knew this would boost his ego tremendously.

“You’re a lot more pathetic than I assumed you were.” He couldn’t help himself. You always kept such a hard cold exterior. No one knew the real new under the persona you played. Maybe it wasn’t even a persona. Who knew? But he was able to crack the persona and get such a new version of you. It was so easy to him. There was a bit of pushback, but he was able to see something about almost no one ever got to see.

His hands roamed down your body, pressing his lips across your neck and shoulder. He grabbed the skirt you had on, putting his hand underneath. His fingers grazed the outside of your underwear, laughing to himself. “And you’re already so soaked…” He continued to pester you. “On the floor.” He ordered. You nodded, taking a seat down in front of him, completely at his will. “You look so much prettier at this angle.” His fingers caressed your cheek.

You were so distracted, staring at him to realize his hand made its way back under your skirt. You felt a pressure press up against you, a moan escaping your lips. “So much prettier when you’re acting like a little whore like this.” Buggy’s gaze grew darker, thinking of sinister things to do to you. His fingers rubbed circles over your clit, growing faster and faster. Your whimpers and moans got louder.

His fingers moved your panties to the side, sliding two fingers into you. You gasped at the suddenness. His fingers pumped into you slowly at first but grew quicker over time. You gripped your thighs, letting moans slip through your lips.

You bucked your hips but felt the absence of his fingers. “You’re not cuming without me, sweetheart. You gotta work for it.” You sat up straighter, reaching for the waistband of his pants, pulling them down along with his boxers. His cock sprang up, hard already from watching you squirm around under his touch.

Your hands wrapped around his shaft, pumping him before bringing the head of his cock into your mouth. Your lips wrapped around him, bobbing your head. You removed your hands the more of him you took into your mouth. Buggy’s lips faintly pulled apart as his breathing grew heavier, soft moans leaving his lips. “Look up at me.” He called out to you. You obeyed, your eyes meeting his. He admired you for a second before snapping back to before.

He grew hotter, pulling his shirt off, throwing it off somewhere in the room, fully exposing himself to you. His hand grabbed a fist full of your hair, pushing your head down quickly. You gagged against him, his cock hitting the back of your throat. He watched you struggle to breathe, tears forming at the corners of your eyes before finally pulling you back to get some air. He let you gain control once again. He threw his head back, letting a moan slip out his lips before staring down at you once again.

Your pace grew faster, trying to concentrate on making him feel as good as he made you feel. “You look so much better with my cock in your mouth, you know that?” he attempted to say through heavy breaths. He felt himself grow closer before pulling away from you. He pulled you up by your hair, dragging you as he did so.

You yelped, following his guide as he finally released your hair out of his grip. “Take it off… All of it.” He sat down at the edge of his bed, his eyes laid on your body.

“You are such a pervert, y’know that?” You said before pulling off your skirt painfully slowly in Buggy’s opinion. “I’m not the one sneaking onto ships for a late-night booty call, am I? I think the real pervert is you.”

He made a valid point that you couldn’t argue. You stripped for him, baring yourself completely for him. He had no words. Nothing snarky or petty. He just sat there and admired you. He didn’t get to actually stare as much as he wanted to at the Marine Base. This time he had a complete view of you. “On the bed. Now.”

You took soft, unrushed steps towards the bed. Buggy grew impatient, grabbing your waist and pulling you onto the bed. You felt his hand strike your cheek, holding it before it started to burn. “You’re gonna listen to everything I say tonight, got it?” He threatened before wrapping his hand around your throat. “Now, are you gonna be a stupid fucking whore or are you gonna be good?” he asked, warning you of your answer as his grasp tightened around your neck.

“Can’t I be both?” You answered sarcastically. Your air flow grew more restricted. Buggy’s jaw tightened as he gave you one last warning. “I don’t know. Do you want to be able to cum tonight? Or am I gonna have you all I want and send you fantasizing about me more?”

You took time to think, wanting to test the waters a bit more before feeling another strike hit your cheek. “Times clicking. Come on, even though I wish we did, we don’t have all night.” “Fine- I’ll try to be good..” You reluctantly replied. Buggy had no choice but to take that response. His lips crashed against yours, moving his grip from your throat back onto your hair. He tugged at it slightly. Your lips move in unison together.

Buggy’s lips moved down to your jaws, making his way down as he peppered kisses down your body.

His lips ended at your inner thighs. You squirmed, eager for him to touch you again. You whimpered, needing him to finally give you what you wanted.

“You’re such a pathetic whore.” He laughed lowly. His hand reached over, lets his fingers graze you slightly. You twitched, bucking your hips for more.

“Please-please just touch me…” You began begging. His painted lips grew into a mischievous smirk. He was enjoying every second of breaking you down completely at his whim.

“Say my name.” He knew it would only break you more.

You groaned at the request but gave in quickly. “Please Buggy- Please just fucking touch me. Fuck me. Just please.”

He obeyed your plea. His thumb pressed light pressure against your clit, rubbing small circles. You gripped onto his sheets, covering your face to muffle out your moans as you let out an ‘oh fuck.” Immediately after. Your cheeks flushed red. Buggy ripped the sheets away from you. “Nu-uh… you wanted this. No need to be so embarrassed now.” He had to have a humiliation kink. If you’d let him, you wouldn’t doubt that he would have you chained and forced to walk around him in public.

His head leaned closer to your cunt, finally letting his tongue glide across your folds. Your back arched, your breath growing uneasy. His tongue swiped up and down, finding the perfect pace. His movements grew fasters as his thumb left your clit, being replaced with his tongue. He sucked on your clit a few times, loving the reaction you gave him every time.

“Fuck me- please just fuck me. I want you in me right now.” You interrupted him. He pulled away quickly, hoping you’d ask even sooner.

“You’re such a greedy whore.” He lined himself up with you before pushing himself inside you. His moan syncing with yours. Your hand gripped onto his muscular lean arm, After pumping into you a few times, you adjusted to his size. He spent no time trying to get you to get used to him. His hips slammed against your ass furiously, leaving the room with nothing but the sound of skins slapping together and breathy whimpers and moans. He leaned forward, bringing your leg up to give him more access to you.

You both caught each other's gaze before Buggy pushed your head to the side, pressing it against the bed, using you as nothing but support as he used your body as his own personal sex toy. Something about it made it so much better to you. There was no passion. Just sex. You both were using each other and that’s exactly how you wanted it to remain. Just dirty, animalistic sex. His thrust grew faster causing you to buck your hips towards him. You needed him.

His hand moved away from your face, wrapping around your throat tightly. He squeezed your throat as he would whenever you two would get into small battles with each other. He couldn’t keep his eyes away from you. His other hand moved to the back of your head, moving it up roughly, forcing you to watch him fuck you. “You like watching yourself get fucked?” He hissed before striking you once more, moving his hand back to your throat.

“Yes- I love it.” You cried. Your moans grew out of sync and faster once you were about to hit your limit. You couldn’t hold out longer, cumming all over his cock as he continued to fuck you. Your cheek stung after his open hand swung across your cheek. His hand gripped your jaw, forcing your attention to him. “I didn’t tell you when you could cum, did I?” he sounded furious, slapping you again.

You shook your head. Tears began to leak down your face, ruining the makeup you had put on earlier in the day. Dark black streaks of make-up ran down your cheek. “You’re such a whore. You couldn’t wait, could you?” He berated you. You shook your head again. Buggy spit across your face, causing your makeup to run even more. “Just a little plaything for me to use.” Buggy continued.

“I-I’m sorry…” You attempted to say. You were already reaching a second climax. “Please let me cum again…” You learned. He trained you to be exactly what he wanted.

“Not until I say you can.” Buggy gripped your hips, using them to move against him as he thrusted into you. As he got closer, his thrusts grew sloppier, mainly using his grip on you to bounce you against him. “Fuck-“ he muttered out of breath. He pulled out of you, jerking himself off over you. You propped yourself up with your elbows, sticking your tongue out. “You’re so fucking disgusting.” He laughed at you. He leaned in, spitting in your mouth before shoving two of his fingers deep down your throat before pulling them out to replace his cock. He laid the head of his cock against your tongue before letting his cum release onto your tongue and a bit of your face. He pulled away before getting off the bed. He kneeled down, grabbing your legs, pulling you forward. He dived back into your cunt, this time with a quicker pace. His fingers entered you, pumping into you. Before he knew it, you began begging for him to let you cum. And he granted you the right. You climaxed, cumming around his fingers. You were left completely sore.

“I need to take a fucking bath…” Realization hit you. Your face was covered in spit and cum and your body littered with not just your sweat, but Buggy’s as well.

“Ya it’s on the right.” Buggy pointed out the bathroom. He was a lot softer and sweeter than he was just a few minutes away. “Do you need a towel?” He asked, getting up to check on you. Mostly out of concern and some for other perverted reasons.

“Uh- I think I found them…” You mumbled. You entered Buggy’s bathroom, taken aback by the luxuries he apparently had on board. Makes sense for someone who was obsessed with themselves you guessed. You didn’t bother closing the door. You filled the tub up, putting soap in it before sliding into it. “You can watch… I know you really want to pervert.” You called out to him. “Already a step ahead of you.” He called back out, laying on his back, taking a peak at you from the comfort of his own bed.

You grabbed a wash rag, scrubbing your body down before washing your face off. You removed all the makeup you spent time putting on earlier today. You were never really comfortable with people seeing you without makeup. You weren’t too comfortable with people seeing you naked either. And Buggy has seen one of those already. So it seemed less of a big deal. You drained the bath, stepping out. You patted yourself dry before coming back to the bedroom in search of your clothes.

“Why don’t you spend the night?” Buggy proposed.

“Why? So your crew could rob us?” You questioned.

“You can go check on my crew. Half of them are setting up for the show tomorrow or getting black out drunk tonight.” Buggy offered. You scoffed, continuing your search. “Please-.” You heard Buggy’s pleads. You sighed, looking him down before giving in.

“Fine… But this won’t ever happen again. Got it?” You warned. Just like you did at the Marine base.

“Fucking yea yea. Go on. You’re the leader here.” Buggy returned to his sarcastic self after making himself look like a complete fool. You didn’t bother looking for your clothes before sneaking into his bed. It was almost like getting onto a cloud. Either Buggy robbed some rich elite prick or Buggy dropped an obscene amount of berries for it. Judging by Buggy’s room and his clear taste for luxury, you already knew which one it was.

You rested your head onto one of his pillows, letting your body rest. You didn’t realize how tired you actually were. You felt an eeriness, turning your head to see Buggy examining you. “Please don’t mention it.” You begged.

“You’re a lot less intense without all of that on…” Buggy mentioned it.

You shielded your face, groaning from embarrassment. “We all have personas. You have your clown thing. I have my intense dark thing. Drop it. Please.” “I think it looks rather nice. Cuter. Less stabby.” Buggy tried to compliment and joke to ease your discomfort. You unshielded yourself, nodding and taking the compliment.

“Thank you Buggy.” You mumbled. Your body turned to him. Your eyes attempted to stay awake for his sake and for fear of him betraying you. “See. Adorable. Like a little rabbit.” Buggy chuckled. He cautiously scooted closer to you and rested his hand on your hip. His hand slowly stroked your hip, not able to keep his eyes off you. He leaned in to press a kiss over you before you pulled away. “I don’t think that’s a great idea. We’re not having sex. You don’t need to play house with me.” You warned. You didn’t want to break a boundary. It bruised Buggy’s ego, but he covered it quickly.

“No round 2? You’re right. I’m tired too.” He tried to quickly recover. You felt guilty, but it was too much intimacy.

A silence fell over the two of you as you laid there, attempting to sleep. The awkwardness keeping you both up. You broke the silence. “You can hold me if you want…” You whispered.

It was dark inside the room, allowing Buggy to truly express how he felt. His lips grew into a huge goofy smile before wrapping his arms around you reluctantly. But in reality, that’s all he wanted. “I get it. The dark can be scary.” Buggy mocked you.

“Shut up and go to sleep.” You retaliated.

You leaned into one another. Your head resting over his chest and his arms wrapped around your waist. Your hand rested on his toned arms. He rubbed circles into your hips, relaxing you. You both knocked out, wrapped around each other.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You woke up early enough to make your escape unknown. You checked on Buggy to see if he was awake. Poor thing. You didn’t want to break his heart. You dressed yourself and gathered all your belongings.

Even the map to the grand line Buggy stole from you months ago. You vanished within thin air and escaped the boat. You woke your entire crew up, faking a story of a terrible encounter with Buggy. Thankfully you had enough time to cover your marks up, leaving a few to make the fight look believable. Your legs were littered with bruises. Your arm had a few scratches, and your chest had a few scattered around.

And there. You left port for a new island to hide out to.

Notes: This fan fic really represents how i've felt after realizing i was attracted to a clown rather than a normal character in the show

#buggy pirates #buggy the pirate #buggy #op buggy #buggy the clown #captain buggy #opla buggy #buggy fanfiction #buggy smut #buggy x reader #buggy x you #buggy one piece #one piece netflix #one piece #one piece fan fiction #opla x reader #opla #opla fanfiction

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loveoaths · 1 year

Text

writing log: 2021 + 2022

a recent conversation with a good friend made me realize: holy shit, i struggle to acknowledge my accomplishments, especially the creative ones. so i decided to start doing a yearly writing recap to log what work i've done, contextualize the environment i did that work in, and take a moment to just sit back and appreciate how i spent my year. this is the first time i'm doing this, so i'll be combining 2021 and 2022.

in 2021, i...

...got headfucked by illness, but kept writing.

this is not one of those "inspirational disability" things. long covid is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, physically and mentally, and that's saying something. i spent a solid two months not being able to walk, let alone think, and it took three more months for me to be able to read for longer than a few minutes at a time. at one point, my sixty-something year old mother had to hold me up so i could walk a lap around the block that i had been running months prior, and it was a super dark time. i am proud of myself for fighting for my health, advocating for humane treatment, and re-learning how to find solace and comfort and reprieve in reading and writing. i was recuperating in bed most of 2021 (when i wasn't struggling to keep my job lol) so i had a lot of time to come up with project ideas but zero stamina to finish them. i'm still not recovered, and have new chronic illnesses out the wazoo now, but i'm in a much better place these days.

...worked on 21 scripts.

includes new and old projects. my brain was scattered, but i tried.

...developed 12 new project premises.

some are good, others are dogshit. but who cares!

...finished 5 scripts.

three half-hour scripts, and two elevens. combined, that's almost two episodes of prestige television. i'm coming for your ass, tony gilroy!!!

...read 25 books.

comic books, ya novels, non-fiction, autobiographies, picture books; you name it, i read it. most of what i read went in one ear and out the other because of the covid brain damage, but i remember how soothing the act of reading a book while curled up with hot tea under a warm blanket was to my aching brain and body, and i'm glad i tried my best to read even if i knew i could barely understand. a third of this list is picture books and/or middle grade books and graphic novels because that's all i could handle at the beginning of the year. and you know what i found? a lot of those kids books are great, and heart-warming, and delightfully more nuanced than i had ever dreamed. the kids are gonna be alright.

...took 6 writing classes.

i'm glad i did this, but looking back on it this was kind of stupid. my brain was burdened by illness and my response was to... burden it more? for fun??? insane behavior. i highly recommend every course i took (chris amick's pilot development, multiple classes at writing pad, rad sechrist's project tv writing class, patricia villanuvella's 11-minute episode format class, and more) but i do not recommend taking them while your head is fucked. if anyone is interested in learning more about these courses, let me know!

...took on my first pitch project.

i was hired to help write and pitch a kids show, and learned a lot about the pitching process. mostly i learned that an upbeat attitude and a corny joke or two will go a long way. also, that the tv industry is an ouroboric cesspool constantly feeding on its own shit, but i digress.

...developed my first original show pitch.

it's uglier than sin but i love it. developing the pitch actually made me realize the concept is better as a novel series than a show, but i appreciate how much that process taught me about exploring format, structure, and the art of pitching.

...landed my first staff writing gig.

this was my proudest moment. in between numerous ER visits, doctor's appointments, health scares, housing issues, and more, i broke into the industry i love.

in 2022, i...

...was still pretty fucking sick, but doing better.

title says it all. despite losing my emotional support animal to leukemia, i hung in there. feels good.

...took on three writing mentees.

this is still the most shocking thing i did last year. i became a mentor to three fellow brown folks and i love them all dearly. i don't know if i'm a stellar mentor or anything, but i would do just about anything to help them reach their writing goals. i always thought i hated teaching, but it turns out i really enjoy working one-on-one with people as a guide rather than an instructor. my goal is to help all of my mentees break into their respective industries in the next two years.

...took three writing classes.

at this point i'm mostly taking these to meet people and learn new tips and tricks, but i still found them highly rewarding. plus, i realized i work best when i know someone expects to read what i've written the following week. nothing makes you keep a writing deadline like the pain of disappointing a peer! :D

...wrote 63,207 words for work.

i worked two staff writer gigs and seven freelance or contract gigs, and wrote more in a year than i ever have, ever. i know this number isn't high to prose writers, but a 25 page script is around 4,800 to 5,000 words. that's a lot of pages.

in total, i wrote around 22 scripts for work last year.

...wrote 50,018 words for original projects.

i only finished three scripts, and most definitely did not hit my goal of finishing my feature script, but i still finished. all three projects were complex, adult-oriented, and of personal significance to me, and it felt really good to finally finish them. i don't love all of them, honestly, but one of them got me my current manager and generated some buzz around my name that kept me employed, so i'm incredibly appreciative of the work i put into them, and the work they've given me in return.

...read 50 books.

this is my crowning achievement of 2022! i used to be an avid reader and then stopped out of nowhere for several years, but last year i fell back in love with reading, big time. i am proud to say that after a year of re-cultivating my reading comprehension and attention span, i can once again knock out a 300 page book in a day (with some assistance from my good ol' friend, hyperfixation). coaxing myself to just read five pages a day really helped me with some of the executive function issues of not wanting to pick up a book. if you're struggling with reading habits, i really recommend lowering your bar to entry. read for a minute, or read one page, or even just one paragraph. eventually the habit will reform and you'll be back to reading longer.

...wrote 51 loglines.

i struggled to come up with new, creative ideas in 2021, so this jump from 12 to 51 was startling, but highly satisfying. once i stopped worrying about whether the ideas were good, i was able to do more with the freeness that comes with happily being shit at something. and you know what? once i got the shit ideas out, i found a couple of really good ones at the bottom of the barrel.

...had a pretty alright year.

shit still went sideways, i was overworked and exhausted, and my personal life imploded, but looking back on it, i had a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of love and support in my corner, and i'm going to try to be mindful and thankful for the aforementioned as i push myself a teensy bit further in 2023.

...have a few goals for 2023.

they are:

work less, read more

write more indulgent stuff (gay porn, fic, all the nasty dark shit i like)

eat more veggies

do some fucking wrist exercises and get a desk pedaler because holy shit my joints are aging like MILK

thanks for reading.

#writing update.#writing update 2021 + 2022.#long post.

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trekraider · 1 year

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I posted 868 times in 2022

6 posts created (1%)

862 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@bingwhenthereisstuff

@spockvarietyhour

@tiberiusmulder

@yourspookyginger

@do-you-have-a-flag

I tagged 17 of my posts in 2022

#me - 3 posts

#corset - 3 posts

#goth - 2 posts

#literally answered yes to all those questions - 1 post

#vast - 1 post

#caro emerald - 1 post

#hozier and john boyega - 1 post

#smut with fake dating - 1 post

#hell to the yes - 1 post

#leather chaps - 1 post

Longest Tag: 125 characters

#it's always that one of 'do you find other people have a rulebook for social interaction that you weren't given' that gets me

My Top Posts in 2022:

figured out why I’ve been crying for two days. my abandonment issues are being pushed into full gear because too many changes are happening at once in my social circles and it’s been putting me in full fledged panic mode to the extent that I want to vomit from the immensity of these feelings.

2 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

So in fun news, I got kicked out of the house I’ve been renting since July 2020.

My “best friend” of six years eloped with his girlfriend, the one he has spent years shit talking about to me - saying she’s a bitch, and annoying, and he hates her, and that she is so terrible. The girlfriend he’s evidently been grooming since she was 18 and he was in his mid-20s. The girlfriend who made him quit his job and treats him like a personal maid. The girlfriend who almost let him die earlier this year because she ignored him while he was sick and dehydrated over a toilet bowl for DAYS at her home.

And when I found out they got married, it wasn’t even through him telling me himself. I found out because she was posting it all over her instagram. And his excuse was “my private life is my business and I don’t have to tell you anything.” How is it private when your girlfriend-now-wife is bragging about it in public? My bet is she’s pregnant and they don’t want to pay for another abortion.

I found out around Christmas Eve, which was a fabulous time. And he removed me from the lease right after, without the landlord ever consulting me because he was the primary leaser.

Over the last week - while still working full time - I’ve been scrambling to pack up my world of the last year and a half.

But I just feel betrayed. He broke my fucking heart, and his constant dismissal and treatment of me throughout all of 2021 was part of the reason I tried to kill myself. I had never felt as alone and helpless and worthless as I did while living with him.

I missed so many red flags about him out of some foolish devotion to our friendship. But he hadn’t been a friend in a long time, and barely a roommate.

He’s made it needlessly complicated for me to move my stuff out too because he’s randomly barred me from the house, actively brandished an axe at me when I showed up to pack boxes after work last week, and hasn’t cooperated at all in me trying to get out when he’s the one kicking me out.

But I’m dead to him now. His words.

It’s a blessing and a curse because the timing means I can get a clean break.

I’m very fortunate that my parents have space for me to move back in temporarily, and I’ll be looking for an apartment near my new job soon.

So I guess my forced resolution for 2022 is to let go of toxic people and find light in the world.

8 notes - Posted January 4, 2022

Another day, another Halloween fit.

12 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

Outfit from last night's Halloween party

26 notes - Posted October 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Went to the Gary Numan concert in Houston and absolutely love how my outfit turned out!

28 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #TRAUMA DUMPING AND THIRST TRAPS

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the-timelord-a-tardis-stole · 1 year

Text

I posted 2,971 times in 2022

14 posts created (0%)

2,957 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@knifepatron

@elven-child

@partywithponies

@evilphrog

@lokis-tardis-companion19

I tagged 1,020 of my posts in 2022

#lotr - 172 posts

#lotr newsletter - 128 posts

#dracula daily - 115 posts

#the magnus archives - 99 posts

#bbc ghosts - 86 posts

#rtgame - 76 posts

#the late late toy show - 52 posts

#gaeilge - 44 posts

#goncharov - 27 posts

#ofmd - 24 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i generally go with the idea that jonah was sick of hiring stuffy academic men as archivists so he chose the angriest young woman available

My Top Posts in 2022:

I love the fact Sam agrees to leave the Shire like "oh yeah, I'll go with Frodo. And I'd love to see some elves". Then it's literally day 3 of travelling still in the Shire when he gets to meet them. Because it means from here on out, Sam's motivation is 100% love and loyalty

37 notes - Posted September 25, 2022

I had 2 thoughts about Tom Bombadil when we were reading about him:

One of the possible in-universe explanations for Tom Bombadil is that he is God. While this is good idea with all Tom Bombadil's singing and Illuvatar's connection with music, it is way funnier is Tom Bombadil is a different being. Like imagine creating an empty world out of The Void, and you look in and theres just Some Guy Vibing

All his nonsense singing reminds me a bit of that episode of Stellar Firma where Trexel is making up riddles but they end up steadily turing into funny little nonsense rhymes.

40 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

There's a couple of moments that we've read so far that will form interesting parallels later on (spoilers for the first time readers):

The hobbits feeling awkward carrying swords for the first time vs. when they return to Bree and Barliman is like "yeah, of course no one hassled you on the way here, you're all fully decked out in armour with swords" to which the hobbits are like "oh wow we forgot that was actually weird"

Strider and Merry meeting for the first time after Merry encountered a Black Rider vs. when Merry is one of the people Aragorn has to heal with his Kingly Healing Hands(TM)

Sam standing up to Strider when he first meets him vs. Sam's similar but even more defensive behaviour when they first speak to Faramir. I really love this one bc Sam is absolutely willing to challenge some Man who is almost twice his height and is skilled with a sword.

Also, this is less of a parallel and more of a common thread throughout the story but I love the frequency with which the hobbits have been meeting unexpected friends after leaving Bag End. There's a quote from Elrond when the fellowship is being formed about meeting "friends unlooked for" or something (I don't remember the exact phrase) and I love that this theme was set down immediately after the hobbits left

42 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

I find it very interesting that when the hobbits were like "tell us one of the Old Tales" and Aragorn chooses a comforting one in the form of the Tale of Beren and Luthien. In isolation, it's a good choice. There's hope amid hardship and people achieving impossible tasks with the power of love. It's very comforting if you're about to be attacked by evil creatures.

However, with the context of Aragorn and Arwen, you have to ask how many times has that been Aragorn's comfort to himself? How many cold nights in the wilderness has Aragorn spent imagining Beren doing the same thing? Does the successful taking of a Silmaril turn Aragorn's task of becoming King of Gondor and Arnor from "Impossible" to only "Very Difficult"? Or does it turn it into a sort of destiny that can and will be fulfilled? That he won't be stuck roaming the world alone for all his long life?

76 notes - Posted October 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

That kid really committed to the munchikin bit

96 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #nice i posted on average more than once a month this year and all my top posts werent toy show related #its a low bar but i cleared it #also yikes 52 posts about the toy show im almost sorry to all the non irish people

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altagraye · 3 years

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Big Big Love (A/B/O) Alpha!Dean x OFC pt 1

Series summary: Maia is an Omega with a big problem, having just been saved from a dark past by two Alpha Winchesters. Can she battle her feelings, morality, and still toe the line between sanity and love? in order to stay alive she needs to make a life changing decision.

Series wide Warnings: A/B/O dynamics, mention of rape, kidnapping, torture, sexual themes, pregnancy, semi-graphic depiction of childbirth, rocky relationships, SMUT, blood and gore, violence, cussing, series spoilers.

A/N: this is an old fic of mine from ao3. I’m posting it here of my own accord. This is also the first a/b/o fic i have ever written.

Series title: Big Big Love

Pt 1: Strawberry Wine

series status: uncomplete, but almost! *working on it lovelies* pts: 15/20

Maia age: 25 (6 years difference from Dean and 2 years from Sam)

Dean age: 31

Sam age: 27

Approximate season: 6

Approximate year: 2010-2011

Quote: “I was thirsting for knowledge and he had a car. I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child… Like strawberry wine and seventeen.” -'Strawberry Wine', Deana Carter.

Dean:

Pulling up to the complex, I’d caught my first whiff from the end of the block. An intoxicating mix of strawberries and wine. After, Sammy left into that huge pit that was Hell. Leaving me alone, his sacrifice. It left the biggest God-damned hole, one that I didn’t even think was real. At first I’d spent some time with Lisa but I never really felt whole about it. And I had to leave real fast ‘cuz with Ben just being there, made me want to slash him in the middle of the night. I knew he wasn’t mine and that would have been a problem, if I’d stayed. After, I just town hopped doing cases as best I could and spent my nights chuggin’ booze or when my rut hit I would go on a vamp nest killing frenzy when I wasn’t in the mood. But when I was rearing to get my rocks off I would pay some ‘Mega night-walkers who were willing. ‘course I wore a rubber even though I really didn’t want to. But it’s not like in that fucked up situation I needed a pup around.

I needed purpose, so desperately I needed purpose. And just when I thought I was really at the end of my rope, Sammy’d came back. Hell the way I feel now, I’m getting’ whiplash from the ups and downs. Tonight is definitely an up day. Working cases with Sammy again, man I thought I’d never see the day. To be sure, I took in a deep breath, letting the wonderful scent fill my nostrils and settle in my blood. Still there, even more now that I stepped out of Baby. With a creak, Sammy stood and closed his passenger side door. My head turned to his,

“Hey, you smell that?” I asked looking at him from across Baby’s roof. Sam’s brow furrowed just a bit, questioningly, but took a whiff anyway. His shoulders shrugged, “What? Heineken, depression, and false hopes ‘n’ dreams?” Sam usually always would pick up on the same scent that I had any questions about. So hearing him not being able to smell what I did, was a little concerning but otherwise I brushed it off.

Sam came over to the drivers side, now on the sidewalk, and pointed rudely to a bar across the street. I caught a glance of the name craning my neck to peer at what he directed to. Hair of the Dog. Very funny. I let the thought leave my mind as I stepped up to the apartment complex with Sam to my side. A chain link kept the doors together, piece of cake. I let my claws grow just enough to sever the bond. We’d heard from Bobby that this place was a real nightmare. He didn’t know all the details but he thought somebody had been stashing Omega’s either for fun or for finances.

The thought made me sick and Sam decided to tag along. Not that refusing to go with me would have been a viable option anyway, being pack leader ‘n’ all. Sam yanked the door open first and I covered my nose immediately, the wafting thick stench of blood and death settled through the air. Faintly I could still smell something sweet. Like being in the middle of a strawberry field after a fresh rain. All my instincts told me I needed to go up there and check it out. It was more so a curiosity than a rut thing, although as we got closer inside, I’d felt twinges of need. Sam spoke up before we got into the center halls.

“Man, all I smell is death. I don’t think we should find anybody. I highly doubt an Omega could make it out of this alive.”

we trudged on reluctantly, not knowing what we’d find, but knowing it was gonna be really bad.

“Yeah, I know. It smells like a few dozen Alphas had a frenzy and killed each other.” I surmised opening the second set of double doors. The stench of blood and death was much stronger now, and oddly I could smell the strawberries too, like they were buried under all the carnage. It was absolutely horrific. Not only realizing what we’d stepped into but how everything was left.

Sam scoped out the rooms, more like cells. “Holy shit, this place was an Omega Mill.” everyone mostly female ‘megas were shot to death in their chained beds. Some did have beds others didn’t. About half of the departed were visibly heavy with pups. The massacre had happened too long ago to try and save the poor pups anyway. How tragic.

What kind of sick fucker? Sam had gone to another part of the room, like a medical room.

I joined him, looking at the dead was starting to make my stomach churn. There was an entire wall of cabinets full with Heat suppressants, each with names labeled. I picked up one with the name Maia lazily scrawled on it. Jesus fucking Christ, this was brutality… suppressing heat too long could be fatal once the meds wear off and oof the heat that comes back with a vengeance, hard to imagine. Most of the bottles had Maia’s name on it. Why so much for one person? Did this shit even work? I thought it was all black market hullaballoo. Made up shit for a quick buck, designed for a sucker willing to take the bait.

As we exited the room the scent struck me again. And I had a feeling to go the end of the hall and to the left, following it.

“You caught a lead on something?” asked Sam following behind me, giving the other rooms on this side of the building a quick look. Sam and I were safe, we didn’t sense any other Alphas in the building.

“Yeah, I just have this fucking, feeling.” I stopped at a door with a black plaque labeled, M-0. M? I twisted the door knob, and Sammy and I opened the door. It was dark so we flipped on the light, it flickered wildly before finally being able to hold the light in place, illuminating the room. In the center of the room was a female ‘mega. She was chained to the ceiling by her wrists, and her ankles were chained to the floor, at least they gave her a chair to sit in. this was the place where the scent was strongest. I tentatively continued further into the room, Sam behind me. There was no gun shot visible from the front of her. Sam looked around inside the cabinets, which were filled with more heat suppressants.

The woman, had all the quintessential features of a ‘mega. Relatively curvy middle, but not fat, wide hips fit for birthing, dainty extremities, long chestnut hair that stopped at her midriff, and waved at the ends. Her body was peppered with bruises and her lip was busted open. She’d been beaten severely, hard to tell if she was still alive. But the scent told me there was an iota of hope left. I didn’t smell anything from the others.

Sam cringed and covered his mouth, turning his head, disgusted. I inched closer, and her head shifted, her chest rose shakily and she wheezed. She’s alive?! My muscles moved on their own, I was to her side in no time. Looking for a way to free her. I figured I could chance pulling at the chains at the top of the ceiling, seeing they were half way out anyway.

“Sam, help me! Get her feet.” I said as I pulled down on the chains with gusto. Sam’s claws are a little, just a little sharper than mine, able to cut through some metals. Hopefully he’d be able to cut through the backs of these bolts and we wouldn’t have to search the compound for a crowbar, that most likely wasn’t here. With a final attempt I yanked at the chains, sending concrete bits everywhere, but most of the debris landed in my hair. Her arms flopped into her tender thighs like a trout caught on a line. With a little more effort, Sam was able to free her ankles from their metal binding.

If she wasn’t so damaged, coincidentally making her look more frail, which made me start to feel like wanting to scent her or making me want to protect and take care of her. Maybe it was a very odd concoction of both. Sam stared at her, keenly picking up on my feelings for her and backing off a little. I checked her neck, no claim. To be sure I took in her scent by where a claim should be, again no sign of, being claimed. Great this is even worse. My heart started to beat quicker in my chest and her wonderful scent started to intoxicate me.

In my momentary daze, she burst to life taking her chains and wrapping them around Sam’s neck- choking him. She quickly sat back down and reverse head-butted me with all the strength she had. The back of her scalp landed square on my nose. “Ah!-Fuck.” I felt warmth trickling down my lip, blood. Such behavior was unheard of, especially from a ‘Mega. Although such a thing wasn’t so illogical, being beaten within inches of her life, being the only living thing in the complex, and having two Alphas in the same room, with myself being affected deeply by her scent.

It was a fight or flight mechanism, most likely. Or maybe she was one of those rare spunky ‘megas? That last thought made my heart skip a beat, and really made he drool a bit. But I had no more time to think about that, she was running out of the room and towards the exit, but before that she had to get passed the rest of her massacred Mill-mates. Luckily for us she’d slipped on some blood that had still been slick, she hit her head real hard on the tile floor. She’d groaned in pain and blacked out once we’d caught up to her. Sam had the idea to take one of Maia’s bottles and shoved it in his pocket, for interrogation and research purposes. I carried her into the back seat of Baby noticing a gash on her head from when she fell. Sam got a little closer and I growled at him, low, possessive. What the Hell? I’ve never done that, not to him. I’ve done it to rapey alphas at pubs but not Sammy. He backed away and got in the passenger side. I hopped into the driver seat.

“Sammy, I’m sorry. i-” my voice was confused as I peered through the rear-view to back up.

“No I get it. Really. It’s natural.” Sammy said staring out the window at nothing and no one. I saw his jaw tense.

Where should we take her? A hospital was the first place I thought of, but on the other hand I really wanted to take her back home to Bobby’s, set her down on my bed, and shower her with a bunch of my shirts, I wanted to comfort her. I couldn’t tell if this feeling was intense rut or pity.

“Where are you going??” Sam interjected momentarily snapping me out of my thoughts.

“What?” I asked not getting his question. Sam pointed to the street sign we passed, my foot never letting up on the gas pedal.

“Are you taking us to Bobby’s? Dude, she’s beat. She needs doctors.” Some part of me wanted to reason with it but I came to a crucial realization.

“No. It’s better to take her to Bobby’s, she ain’t claimed, Sam. And there’s no telling how long she’s been hopped up on that stuff. There’s plenty of Alphas in hospitals, most of ‘em are highly paid doctors. I mean what if she goes into heat?” I explained my side of the story, as I spoke my idea sounded more logical, and the right thing to do. Sam turned his head, ripping his gaze from the window.

“Yeah, like you’ll be able to control your urges, when she does.” he was angry, was that the Alpha in him or his morality speaking? I couldn’t tell. I scoffed at him, flitting my eyes away from the road for a moment, to stare at his eyes.

“I don’t, we don’t condone rape, Sammy. Never have. Pack rule number 1, always. Only schmuck Alphas who either don’t give a shit or can’t keep it in their pants do fucked up shit like that.” I firmed my voice to let him know I was serious, my teeth clenched.

Sammy sighed and returned to look out the window. As we got onto the main highway, I floored it, hoping we could get to Bobby’s before she woke.

Maia:

My head ached and throbbed with every beat of my heart. I groaned, not recognizing the smells that wafted through the air. The thickest was the one I gravitated towards the most, Whiskey with notes of coffee. A fainter one but still ever present was pine trees- which I enjoyed but not as much as the first. The third was hard to pick up on, but for the most part I could smell old leather and that kind of distinct smell when you walk into a body shop. It was the kind of machinery.

“Jesus, a Mill? And this bullshit? She’s lucky she’s breathing.” a gruff voice spoke, it was heavy with rasp almost like he’d been smoking a little too long. I heard the rattle of something in a bottle. “She pregnant?” he continued to ask. I heard some heavy footsteps step a little closer, and my nose caught that irresistible Whiskey-coffee scent.

“Don’t think so, but there’s no telling. Half of those ‘Megas were with pups. Ugh, never seen such a thing. Terrible. Makes me wanna find the fucker and slice him up myself” this Alpha’s voice, it was like molasses, smooth and rich, velvety, and very comforting. It made my tender bruised flesh hurt less. I needed that. I needed the hurt to be over, gone.

The pine tree scent was further away, like it was tentative, cautious to overstep boundaries.

“When the time comes, we’ll be ready, but we need a plan. Who knows how many Alphas this business holds? We can’t just go in claws extended and teeth gnashed.” this Alphas voice spent time enunciating better than the other two, was smooth like warmed butter. They were inside the room. Talking about my precarious situation.

The gruff man spoke again, “And you’re the only one that can smell her? How intense is it?”

a loud sigh came from the right of me.

“It’s aces, I-i don’t have words.” Sweet molasses, the sound was so close to me, I wanted it closer still. A growl came from the gruff man, like a curse at the problem before him, it wasn’t animalistic though, “Dammit Dean, if you rut--”

A shrill sound of wooden chair legs scrapped against the floor as he stood to his feet.

“I know, Bobby! I’ve never felt like this before, with a ‘mega. But fucking, look at her, she’s one touch away from breaking. She ain’t claimed or nothin’, so believe me I’m holding it all back. We don’t do that anyway, it’s wrong, I need permission to do it. Those’ve always been house rules.” I could sense the anger and purpose in that voice, the one with whiskey, Dean. Even his name exuded strength and sounded so nice to say in my head.

“Shut up! She’s awake.” Said the voice from the threshold. I opened my eyes, no longer trying to act asleep and snoop, knowing I’d been caught. I opened my eyes and saw the older, shorter man leaned up against a dresser near the foot of the large encompassing bed, to his right and closest to me was a very attractive man. Tall, toned back muscles visible through his tight fitting grey t-shirt. He’d had just enough shadow on his face to make my thighs twist. He gawked at me over his shoulder, perfect jade-like orbs staring back and into me. I tried to shift in place, a wave of pain stung inside my shoulder, “Ah!” Dislocated. I started to pant through it. Dean came over to me, “Hey try not to move, they messed you up-”

From the pain and from these Alphas being strangers I wouldn’t let myself be overtaken like my Omega nature told me, not after how He treated me. I very rudely interjected him, exerting that I wasn’t something to be trifled with, Omega or not.

“I know what they did to me. Thanks for the rescue, Galahad but I don’t want to be Alpha-bait, tonight. So back off!” I gave my best growl as I sat up in the over-sized bed. It was over-sized by my standards, knowing the way Dean was practically swooning over me, and the heavy scent of whiskey, it was safe to surmise this was his bed, he’d put me in. I got up, the bruises aching against the pressure as I rose, that was something I was used to, after 2 years of being in that hole. The thing that was gnawing at me was my shoulder.

Ever so slightly I felt the rough calloused finger tips of Dean brush my shoulder blade, the one opposite of the injury. I growled louder and gnashed my teeth at him. While doing this I felt a murmur in my core. Heat? It’s been so long I couldn’t tell anymore. Dean stopped but stayed close enough for me to feel his warm breath on my skin.

“Your shoulder’s dislocated. I can fix it. Had plenty myself. Just, let me help you.” He said. My instinct was to submit, I hated that feeling, I’d learned my lesson the hard way in the Hole. But with the pain still distracting my every thought I figured it would be better to let him do this one favor. I turned to the side, watching his every move like a hawk, so that he knew I meant business, very strictly business. He placed a hand on one side of my aching shoulder. And the other hovering over the other side in front, ready to snap it back in place. Here goes nothing. His green orbs looked latched onto mine wanting to watch my reaction. Without warning, using his gaze as distraction he pressed firmly and twisted my shoulder back into it’s socket. A loud crack rang out.

My free hand gripped Deans sheets, my claws advanced and dug themselves into the flesh of my hand. My teeth gritted against each other.

“Fuck!” I snarled through my breath. There was a firm sadness in dean’s eyes. He was upset that he was hurting me. The pain slowly dissipated. I put my feet firmly on the wooded floors and Sam was a wall of flesh in front of me, un-moving. His frame was so big compared to my own, I bet he could brave a tsunami and make it out alright. My head barely came up to the base of his chest. Was I just unrealistically tiny? Fucking Omegas. Born to be the bottom of the totem pole. The scent of Pine, it too was starting to send waves through me. This is bad. really bad.

I stuffed my worry and sensations down. “Move, tree.” I would have laughed if my mind hadn’t been racing. I felt like a Beagle standing up to a Mastiff. His gaze was cold and sure until his eyes flitted up past me to Dean’s. Sam’s head rose and he shifted out of the way letting me past him. That was tense, I’ve never been in a family with so many Alphas. The Hole, did not count as a pack, we were livestock, meaningless heated puppets begging for a knot. Well, everyone except me. Alphas and even Betas would come and go, making deals. Getting one or two of us sold a week.

Just as I was about to walk out the front door. Dean yelled at me. His scent now overwhelming the entire room, he was desperate.

“Walk out that door and you’ll die. Other Alphas will come for you when your heat hits, when you’re weak. And they’ll fuck the life out of you.” his voice was strong and full of command, just like an Alpha’s nature. I knew he spoke the truth in the back of my mind I knew it too. But being here, in this house full of strangers with one of them, I was clearly breaking to, terrified me. Sam came down the stairs and Bobby followed after him, watching the scene unfold. My finger pads brushed the coolness of the door handle. I want freedom. But not at the cost of my life. It was very difficult for me to push down my emotions in this moment. But if I’m to survive, I need to think wisely. I let my lungs fill with air and released trying to quell the oceans in my mind.

I turned on my heel to face the three Alphas. I didn’t look at them, especially Dean. I crossed my arms in front of my chest covering my breasts, the pressure left an ache, my time in the Hole left no surface of my body without a bruise. Sam looked at the suppressant bottle again, examining it’s label.

“Do you know how long you’ve been on these?” he asked. My eyes started to well with salty tears threatening to spill over onto my bruised cheeks. I stared at a wall and a picture frame with a younger looking Bobby with Sam and Dean in their teens. I liked my lips and dragged my tongue across one of my canines, fighting back my tears. I didn’t want to show weakness.

Dean stepped closer to me, the whiskey getting better and better, “How long?” he asked. My eyes flitted to his.

“I haven’t had a Heat in two years.” the warm wetness falling down to my chin as the words left my mouth. Just that alone, without the possibility of Alphas, had me scared to death. My next heat was going to be a one way ticket carrying me to Hades in a hand-basket. Bobby’s jaw fell from his mouth. He’d adjusted his hat and cleared his throat, not believing my secret.

Dean blinked, and chuckled but not in a good way. “That’s ridiculous! Unbelievable!!” his tone was full of anger. He ran his hands through the back of his hair, twirled around for a moment taking in the news. he punched at a near by wooden chair. Was he angry because of this impossible situation? I mean two years without a heat. I might as well have told him I was the Virgin Mary, incarnate. My next heat, since I haven’t been able to release eggs, I’m a walking talking fertility bank. I knew that, and these guys weren’t stupid. Dean started to get closer to me, with each step my heart kept pounding, the thumping getting worse. I feel like I'm gonna get a heart attack.

"C'mon, you're safer in my room." his huskiness reverberated into my special parts. My head started to sweat too. He got closer. I put a hand out, no don't come closer. Yes, please, kiss me. I could hear my breathing skip beats.

"D-don't. Stay back--" I managed to choke out breathily. My knees gave out and my head lolled against a sturdy frame, among the haze, whiskey. He cradled me against him I felt weightless and noticed he'd already been carrying me back upstairs. I couldn't handle his grip indenting into my flesh just slightly. I made waves crash into my core. I inhaled, my nose against his shirt, full of his scent. The exhale that came after, exited like a moan. And just like that the murmur had become a burn. Even though it's been years and I nearly forgot how this felt, there was no denying it now, I'm in heat.

He used his back to open his door bringing me into his room, his den of sorts. The soreness from my bruises seemed to melt away, all from the whiskey and from his touch, firm-powerful, but oddly gentle. He set me on his bed, covered me in the comforter set, and went to his dresser, grabbing garments. He wrapped them on his wrists and scraped the cloth on his neck before draping them over me. I took a black shirt, one he'd used on his neck, bawled it up and held it close to my breasts like a stuffed animal.

He brushed a few locks from my face, that nearly sent me over the edge, making me moan and sending me into a fever. I dragged my knees up to my frame, in the fetal position as sweat started to bead on my forehead. This was going to be Hell. I would need to fight tooth 'n' nail. But honestly I don't know how long I can last. Not realizing Dean had been asking me a question, he got my attention by saying my name.

"Maia? What do you like to eat?" he asked. Writhing a bit, I tried to focus and gave him an answer.

"Uh. Mmmm. Italian food." I stated, my teeth starting to chatter. He got up and closed the door, I listened close to the sounds of his feet echoing away from the room. I nuzzled my face into his pillow, the softness of his bed seemed to encompass my entire body, I felt like melting into the mattress it was so perfectly and agonizingly euphoric. My mind was racing thinking of something logical to get me out of this snafu. The only way really seems to make sense is if Dean claimed me. It wouldn't take away the risk of my Heat but it would tell other Alphas in the area to back the fuck off. One less problem to worry about, the better. Claiming, it's a lot like marriage, I guess. How typical, to save my life I would need to get claimed. I closed my eyes and daydreamed about Dean sinking his teeth into my nape. I wanted to feel his whiskey in my veins. Permanently intertwining us as mates for life. I smiled at the thought that at least he was very good looking. I moaned, again, this time a bit louder sure that the other Alphas of the house could hear me. One thing stuck in the back of my head, this was going to be a very rough night.

*end pt 1

#alpha!dean #alpha!sam winchester #dean winchester x ofc #bobby

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sonic-wildfire · 3 years

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Emotion Sickness: Diary Entries from Shadow the Hedgehog (Part 1)

Select entries from Shadow’s diary were found and compiled by Sonic (with Shadow’s permission) as an homage to both Shadow’s development and their relationship together. The entries were made between March 2009 and October 2013. This part of the compilation contains the entries made between March 2009 and December 2010.

10:53 PM - 4 March 2009

Hmph. Another day behind me. I crossed paths with Sonic today and he offered to have lunch with me. The request was somewhat flattering, but I turned it down. I don’t really need to eat.

Why is Sonic always so nice to me? It’s a liability to be within ten feet of him at this point, considering how much trouble he gets into. Whatever. I’m better by myself anyway.

5:02 PM - 19 July 2009

Amy visited me today and said she was here on Sonic’s behalf. Don’t know why, but she wanted me to know Sonic was offering to have me over at his place.

Sonic has a permanent home? Who knew?

I thought about it for a bit, but I declined. Again, I don’t understand why Sonic continues to do nice things for me even though I’m the most miserable being on the planet. It’s not that I hate them or anything, but I just can’t get close to anybody else. What if they reject me? What if...

Forget it.

I can’t think about this stuff. I’m going to take a nap. My thoughts are the last thing I need to be with right now.

6:46 PM - 30 November 2009

Wouldn’t you know it, that stubborn blue hedgehog turned up at my door today and again asked me to spend time with him. I was about to just tell him to piss off, but something about this interaction was different. I don’t know what, why, or how, but... it actually sounded appealing this time?

Very hesitantly, I said I’d think about it but don’t expect me to take you up on the offer. He just smiled, said okay, and left.

Maybe I should at least try to be somewhat charitable for once. I called up Rouge and told her about what had happened and she just teased me over it before hanging up. You know, typical Rouge.

But she did tell me that it was ultimately my decision to make.

Hm. I think I might go after all.

12:25 PM - 2 December 2009

Just got back from having breakfast with Sonic. He was actually surprised I showed up. Honestly? I was surprised, too.

I didn’t talk too much, but Sonic... oh boy, Sonic. It’s like he never ran out of things to talk about. He’s smiling the entire time he’s with me, too. It was almost alluring just how much his bright demeanor contrasted with my moody self.

One of the things Sonic talked about was his friends. I was fully ready to just stop him right then and there (it rubs me the wrong way when anybody mentions friendship), but then he told me I was a “good friend” to him.

I asked him if he was serious. Sonic said yes.

In retrospect, it was certainly more eventful than most days. Perhaps little meetups like this would be healthier for me if I did them every once in a while.

3:59 AM - 28 May 2010

I can’t rest. I keep thinking about Sonic.

We’ve been meeting occasionally like I said I should. The longer I’m with Sonic, the more I begin to see in him what I could’ve been.

He’s a caring, generous man with everything going for him. People like him. He has a purpose in life. He’s coolheaded, rational, and valuable to society.

So why on Earth would Sonic be spending time with me, a reprehensibly depressed alien who is so completely worthless and undeserving of care? How could he possibly like me when I don’t even like myself?

I’m tired and tears are pricking at the corners of my eyes. I need to talk to someone in the morning.

1:51 AM - 29 May 2010

I called Rouge and told her about last night. She wasn’t very vocal, but she did offer a little encouragement. She said I don’t get enough sleep and that a little bit of rest would put me at ease for a bit. But I’m still on edge. What does Sonic see in me that I don’t? Or am I just overthinking this? My thoughts are erratic right now, so I’m sorry to anyone reading if this doesn’t make sense.

Ugh.

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes already.

I’m so weak. I’m so pathetic.

Who would ever want to spend time with someone like me?

All I do is brood in the corner of the room all day and be an asshole to everybody. I don’t understand how anybody could be tolerant of me, much less a “friend.”

Yet... I’m still drawn to Sonic. For whatever reason, he’s just so inviting. He’s nice. Too nice.

11:32 AM - 8 August 2010

Over the past few months, Sonic and I have been visiting each other more often, and not much has changed.

From me, at least.

Sonic has been growing even kinder towards me than before. Sometimes, he’ll give me small gifts like a scarf. Other times, he’ll ask me about myself. If I were ready, I would’ve just spilled my true feelings about myself right then and there.

But I wasn’t ready. So I just talked about the very few things I did find enjoyment in. Gardening, space, and Chao. I begged him to never tell anybody about what I said to him, and he looked at me like I had three heads but vowed to keep it a secret anyway.

I just don’t know. Sonic’s a good guy, but... I can’t bring myself to be friendly with him. If I start growing close with people, they’ll just die or leave me and I’ll be heartbroken again just like last time. I can’t go through that again. I’m not strong enough.

I appear tough on the outside. But the truth is, I’m always on the verge of breaking down. My mental state is so volatile and virtually uncontrollable.

Chaos damn it, just get out of my head already!

3:40 PM - 23 December 2010

The holiday season. A time for joy, reminiscing on the past, looking forward to the new year, and exchanging gifts.

For everybody else, that is.

Ever since I came here, I’ve spent every Christmas alone.

All the others have a big gathering at Sonic’s house, having a good time (allegedly). I was never interested in these and I always declined every single invitation I got from Sonic. Yet, like clockwork, he still sends me one every year. Maybe hoping that I’ll change my mind one year.

After a lot of self-reflection over the past year, though, I’m not sure how much more invitations I can reject before Sonic gives up trying.

I crumble in social situations. Interacting with anybody other than Rouge, Omega, or Sonic for more than ten seconds takes an insane amount of willpower.

Something has to give. Either I go for once or they stop trying.

12:48 AM - 24 December 2010

I’ve decided I need to go. Maybe bring one of my Chao if things go wrong. I’m not necessarily doing this because I want to go. In fact, I’d be a lot happier if I didn’t go because at least I know things can’t go wrong if I’m by myself.

But I can’t stop thinking about Sonic and his friends. It drives me crazy.

9:21 PM - 24 December 2010

Party’s tomorrow. Note to self: don’t fuck this up.

11:17 PM - 26 December 2010

How quickly things can change has always amazed me. Tonight proved that.

Everybody was really surprised to see me showing up, but they said they were all grateful I showed up. Sonic, of course, was the first to welcome me, giving me a hug that admittedly felt like a breath of fresh air after so much time alone. Then again, I have a reputation so I needed to act like he was crushing me to death.

I didn’t spend much time talking with other people, though I did exchange some small talk with Rouge. The usual.

As the party grew longer, I found myself being... complimented by others?

Knuckles said he hoped I was “doing well.” Cream gave me a single flower while wishing me a merry Christmas. Tails shyly waved at me (I put on a smile and waved back). Omega said I was “one of the only creatures made of flesh” he trusted.

I’m sorry. Did these people forget who they were talking to?

Dinner was fine, though I was particularly eager about the sweets. Oh, right, I forgot to mention I have a knack for candy. The more you know.

Of course, then it was time for gifts. I swear you could fill the Grand Canyon with the sheer amount of presents under the tree. I guessed that roughly three of those were for me, ready to be mailed to me if I didn’t show up.

So you can imagine my surprise when I saw eight presents being dropped into my lap and all of them reading “To: Shadow.”

We all took turns opening our presents. I had two presents from Amy (a coffee mug and a Chao toy), one present from Espio (a kunai), one present from Tails (a bag of coffee beans), one present from Knuckles (a Kill la Kill DVD) and... three presents from Sonic?!

The first one was classic Sonic stuff. A sweater with the word “faker” sewed on the chest. He thought that one was really funny. I didn’t really care.

The second one was more genuine. A pair of rocket boosters for my shoes. My old ones are just about dead, so this was welcome.

The third one... subverted all expectation. It was a small box that contained a piece of paper. It read:

“Dear Shadow, stay after the party and meet me upstairs when the others leave. Signed, Sonic.”

The others were curious about what Sonic meant by this. Silver joked that I was being sent to the principal’s office.

Eventually, the party came to a close and people left. I went upstairs as Sonic had told me, and there he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

He motioned for me to take a seat next to him. I sat down and asked him what he wanted me for, half-expecting something stupid.

“I understand you haven’t had the easiest life...”

I instantly got up to leave. No way I was sticking around to hear this again.

But Sonic grabbed my arm and yanked me back to the bed, his face now spelling genuine concern.

“...I know you mean well. Sometimes, you do things that we think are dumb but actually turn out to be smart. Other times, you just do dumb stuff. But that’s not the point. The point is, I want you to know that I’m still here for you. I can tell you’re bothered by your thoughts. But the bottom line is that I, and we, care about you. We love you, Shadow. I love you. Please don’t think you’re not worthy of being cared about. We have our ups and downs, but we always work it out eventually, right? I know your thought process works differently than mine. That does not make you any less deserving of respect. My greatest wish is that you would love yourself as much as we love you.”

I was stunned. That bastard. Quickly losing my composure, I began blubbering about how I couldn’t stand the thought of getting close to someone just to lose them again. How I’m so terrified that I will just be manipulated and used by people pretending to be my “friend.”

Sonic told me that he would never go away and that he would never “use” me.

Fuck. Fuck.

Sonic embraced me and I’m embarrassed to admit that I began sobbing as I wrapped my arms around him. I swore to myself that I’d never show any kind of weakness around them.

“It’s okay to cry,” he told me. “Don’t be afraid anymore. I’m here now. I’m here.”

“And I always will be. That’s a promise.”

#sth #Sonic the Hedgehog #Shadow the Hedgehog #Sonadow #Shasoni #Sonic Fanfiction #Fanfiction

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flow-green · 3 years

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19-08-2021

“I think I’ve never had more chaotic year than this one,” I confessed one evening when we drove in a car somewhere. My SO gave me a warm look and I checked to the back seat where my Charlie-baby was sleeping. If somone would have told me year and a half ago that 2021 will be a true turnaround in my life, when I will throw away all the life chains and take full control, I would have rolled mye eyes and gotten back to my endless vicious circle of career. I think ever since 17-years old I have followed the norms the society has set up: graduate high school, sprint through university, meanwhile make sure you work so you won’t get drowned in depts, get a job for your field of interest, in the meantime take some loan for some random house and if you have a moment, please, make some babies. Ever since I was a child, I knew right away: that’s not me. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to break these frames. But, oh well, there is no point to raise my voice for my own good as all the other people around me are nicely stable in the system. Some of my exes are on the same line: if you are not a parent by age 31 and do not own a gorgeous house in the suburbs while paying a sickly huge loan, meanwhile ignoring your family, friends and hobbies to make ends meet just so you could work yourself to deah by age 40, then you are a loser.

Few weeks ago in Saaremaa, while tipping my toes and feet into the warm and comforting waters of Estonian sea, I realized where I have drifted with my life. Only now I have started to realized that, f**k me sideways, I am actually a living human being. A LIVING person. I LIVE.

About 2 months ago, near summer solstice, I finally felt the finalizing ticking in my brain that pushed me gently to the edge of unknown. “Will you?” the life asked and motioned me to jump. “Or will you stay here forever, wondering what’s down there?” And so, with shivering hands, I clicked ‘send’ button on the mail that delivered my resignation letter to my boss. Done. Over half a year full of mental terror and a slow suicide will come to an end. At this point I had insane regrets. How am I supposed to throw away an opportunity and 6-year long career just because I do not want to live anymore? Now you’re probably thinking I am being a drama queen and overexaggerating. Oh, dear god, no. There were days, where everything started to tumble down in one go: my love life, my family relations, friends and work relations. On these days I switched myself and my phone off, listened to some serious melancholic tunes, sat alone for hours or drove around with a car and now, admitting for the first time: I hoped that something will happen and I do not need to live here anymore. I admitted this once also in my therapy, that I have frozen up while driving, not really giving a damn about my leg on gas pedal and about the speed.

I am once again a fat, useless, lazy, clumsy, slow and unorganized. Blessed with sore black eyes, a girl with unstable nervs and flaked nails. And all this just to give myself to a work which does not appreciate any sacrifices I make.

And I did it. This is MY life. My path and my decision, I ain’t going anywhere and even if I do, I’ll go with a smile on my face and as a queen for a day.

Few days ago I realized with full heart that this was one of the most important decisions in my life. I went for a run, as I have started to pick it up again. I went and set a goal to run approx 20 minutes. I had time. No rush. Only responsibility waiting for me was one project to improve a home page of our fresh company, but there was no strict deadline nor a passive aggressive boss-lady stalking my every move and making sure I am around even off-hours. So, my 20 minute run became to a 1 hour run, which was successful, nicely progressive and easy. I enjoyed every minute, because I was present. I had nowhere to hurry. I did not worry about the future or the past. I was just excisted. And I breathed.

I think I have cried more this year than in total for all past years. In my 9 to 5 appartment cubical lifestyle I always pushed away everything that demanded at least some movement out of comfort zone. For exaxmple I always closed in when my ex partner had an idea to do some changes. Well, true, his changes did not comply with my dreams. I did not want to get a huge loan to buy a house and sprint out 2 babies just because ,,Martin and Marge had their second kid in their gorgeous house and Martin is only 1 year older than me.” OK, is nice for them I guess? Every time these silly arguments started to come up, I switched myself off into my safety bubble, all alone. I let no emotions, chaotic situatons to influence myself and I just slowly flew on my laid down path, with eyepatches on. I always knew I want something different. I wanted to fight and be heard. Every time there was a conflict at work, with a friend or family member or with a partner, I eliminated it in the early stages and just ignored the rest.

And when these eyepatches were finally removed, everything else followed. I had no pink glasses or filters for emotons. Real life was there for me, but not always in a bad way. Real life offered everything, you only had to have guts to reach out and take it, with all its plusses and minuses. Take it, dominate, take responsibility, but don’t just float by. Get yourself togeter, notice, do, learn and experience. If not now then... when?

This half of a year has thrown so many obstacles and opportunities on my way and I have caught most of them. I guess one of the most difficult period was spending some insane time at a house in the middle of nowhere, without any water or normal comforts. This has made me appreciate small benefts of our everyday life.

I think I have mentioned this earlier as well, that February and March were probaby the hardest months this year. I was given a challenge to overcome and boy, it was tough. Namely, I got pregnant. As a woman who has never wanted to become a mom due to several and long reasons which I will not discuss today, I was in a cocmplete shock. I felt happy, scared, angry. Why now? Universe has its twisted sense of humour and it turned out that the pregnancy is not carriable for medical reasons and abortion is a must. I did not have a single day to stay home and mourn and endure grief. Oh, no, they needed me back to work ASAP. So I ignored the pain of loss and carried on with even more enormous work tempo to keep up. This period started a chain reaction which pulled me cruelsomely to the edge of the cliff. Work does not sleep, it waits impatiently. Even on these two horrible days I had to go through with the process, I did some work since I had become irreplacable.

All the emotions sealed up just blasted out as soon as some smaller bebble hit my bicycle. I cried hysterically, screamed. There were no days where my eyes weren’t bloodshot and with dark underlines.

In some sort of a sick twisted way I felt good, since I was needed, everything depends on me and I am sure it will get paid off nicely in the end when I have worked until my nose bleeds. In this tunnel vision I did not realize that skipped recovery and unresolved grief had made me this maniacal, delusional self-centered zombie, who lived for her workdays. All my free time I spent worrying about next work day. I did not notice anymore how my mom is doing, how are my friends and what is my partner up to. Every time we went off to one of our van trips I just existed somewhere in my thoughts about how much there is still to do. And it’s even more sadder, that I did not even notice myself anymore in the free world.

“Yea, but how would you go on?” was the main question I was asked when with a shaky voice I admitted that I need to quit my job right now and don’t want to take such responsibilities for a while now, only for myself. Everyone can do it. If there is a will, there is a way.

I am happy that I have at least won almost the entire battle with eating disorder, although I have to admint I am not proud over the inner criticizm about my body, which has grown 8 kg heavier since last summer. This means I still have days I hide under baggy clothes and just wait until these dark thoughts pass. There are days where I absolutely veto going to the beach because ‘it’s cold’. Actually I am reminding myself of that year where I had a killer six-pack, hip bones and tiny bikinies fit me so well, but now I look more like a curvy, slightly soft female not nearly showing signs of being physically active. Although, I am now in that golden zone where my weight is not going up nor down almost at all, no matter how much or little or what kind of foods I eat (plant based always of course). I guess it is positive, my body has found it’s perfect zone, but I--- don’t really like it. This mentality here is something now that I have to work with, with all my spare and peaceful time.

Since 25 July I am (f)unemloyed. And happy. I have made sure that I will be secured, will not be homeless and have food and I have a first step of a plan prepared. Priority for now is to help myself out of this destructive black hole that influences not only me but other close ones as well.

I don’t have black shadows under my eyes anymore. I sleep deep, without any random wake ups, I finally have time and motivation to cook, bake and test out recipes that have been collecting dust since forever. From day to day I get back to introduce myself to my long lost hobbies like kite surf, reading, writing, drawing and yoga.

I have finally startrd to realize that next to me there are people that I love unconditionally and to whom I have shown insanely rude attitude. Have you ever felt that re-falling in love again? I am currently feeling it with tripple multiplications, because I have once again fallen in so much love with my dog, my boyfriend and my hero on this topsy-turvy road, my family, friends and life itself.

I will not even take a glance anymore to that 100 promises I made earlier this year. Life is just so much different with completely new challenges. If anything, then I can mark this time period here as my new and fresh chapter for my life.

#ed recovery #ed #self care #quit my job #my life #adventure #van life #carefree #my story #blogging

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snowdice · 4 years

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Gaps in His Files (Part 8) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Erm. Logan says a few not so nice things about people who struggle academically which are very wrong. I think from context it is clear that the author doesn’t agree with it. As a teacher I do not endorse his statement and in the missing 10 years he’s learned the lesson for himself... he’s just a very dumb smart high school kid. That being said, I thought I might warn you all especially with the fact that people might be in the middle of finals and a little emotionally vulnerable to that one.

Patton spent most of the morning getting Logan familiar with his red files while also asking him subtle questions about his real opinions on things. The mention of the crying thing did sting a bit even though Patton already knew it made Logan uncomfortable. Patton knew that from the beginning, but he’d still let Logan force himself to try to help when Patton was upset.

God, Patton was a bad person.

After he’d helped Logan get a good feel of the newer files, they started brainstorming about how best to work on recovering his memories over lunch.

Patton had thought they were on the same page, that being they were going to read through the pages in his files hoping he’d remember something in them. However, now he was doing that finger tapping thing on the table while he chewed slowly on his sandwich.

“What?” Patton finally asked.

Logan had clearly been waiting to share because there was no pause before his response. “Have you heard of Blight?” Logan asked, casually, as though that were not a name that made most of the population shudder when they heard it.

“This is nothing like that,” Patton said firmly before he continued with that line of thought.

“Why couldn’t it be?” he asked with a curious head tilt.

“Because… because it’s not,” Patton said.

“Do you have any evidence that it isn’t? Just because it was a device instead of a superpower does not mean it is not the same methodology.”

“It’s just not,” Patton said, “It can’t be.”

“Why?” Logan asked again.

“Because none of them recovered,” Patton tried not to snap.

Logan hummed. “Ah. That seems like an emotionally charged conclusion.”

“Can we please just not talk about it?” Patton implored, turning back to his lunch even though he wasn’t hungry anymore. There were a few moments of silence.

“Did you know,” Logan started, and Patton sighed, “that Blight was on record as having telekinesis before she revealed herself as a Mind Warper? People say she must have implanted false memories in her victims, but if she really was then it would be evidence of-”

“The Monofacultas Theory,” Patton finished for him.

Logan gave him a startled look. “You know it?”

“I’ve known you for over three years Logan and while I agree that the theory is interesting and feasible, there are no known cases of someone having a set of powers that span more than one of the Tri-divisions.”

“If Blight had telekinesis there is. She would have had a physical power as well as a mental one. Witnesses said…”

“She tore the minds of an entire city apart at the seams and restructured them to her desire. Excuse me if I don’t trust the validity of those mind’s statements especially when they have been disproved by video evidence.”

“Just because she didn’t use telekinesis for that one situation caught on video doesn’t mean she couldn’t.”

“Fine,” Patton said. “Say you’re right. Why does it matter?”

“Well I have telekinesis.”

“So, you want to… move your memories back into place?”

“Basically, yes.”

“With your telekinesis?”

“Well, brains are ultimately physical objects.”

“And you are going to not simply give yourself a stroke because…?” Logan shrugged. “Absolutely not Logan.”

“It would be interesting,” Logan said, eyes alight. “I could prove that powers are not truly divided into physical, metal, or energy powers but are originally one singular power that develops due to circumstance during early childhood.”

“If your brain doesn’t literally explode because you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“All science has risk.”

“No, Logan.”

He gave him the look that Patton was not allowed to call a pout.

“Can we at least try some less extreme methods of memory recovery before the theoretical methods with no hard evidence? Like continuing to read your files to try to jog your memory naturally as we had discussed.”

“Fine,” he agreed, looking downtrodden. Patton really hoped he got his memory back before he got too restless and tried something like that.

“If you’re finished eating, we should get back to reading,” Patton said. Patton was certainly finished with his lunch.

The afternoon went well without any major disasters or talk about dangerous methods to get memories back. Logan had not remembered anything, but he’d been calm and patiently started sorting through his files in chronological order. Then, when Patton left him alone for a moment to go to the bathroom, he somehow managed to find his daily planner from where Patton had hidden under a blanket in the front hall closet.

“It’s fine,” Patton insisted from the couch, watching him pace back and forth and wringing his hands. “I called your advisor and told him you wouldn’t be able to meet with him because you were sick.”

Logan frowned at him. “You shouldn’t’ have done that. I could have gone. I don’t want to appear irresponsible by skipping meetings.”

“He wanted to talk about your research. You would have had no idea what he was talking about,” Patton reasoned.

“I would have managed.”

“Logan,” Patton said patiently. “Your research area is partial differential equations. Do you even know what those are?”

Patton could tell by the look on his face that he had no idea. Yet he still stuck his nose up in the air. “I know what a differential is, and I know what an equation is. I am sure I can figure out how to do parts of them.”

“You haven’t even taken multivariate calculus.”

“It can’t be that hard.”

“It is,” Patton groaned, “It is hard.”

“Perhaps for you,” he said hotly.

“No,” Patton ground out. “For you. The 28-year-old you spends hours a week trying to understand these things and he has a bachelor’s degree and almost 6 years of graduate education under his belt. You are in high school.” Logan just gave him a withering glare and turned his attention back to the planner.

“I’m supposed to teach two courses tomorrow,” he said.

“Oh, absolutely not,” Patton said.

“I have a responsibility rather or not I have my memories.”

“Logan, listen to me. You have not graduated high school. You cannot teach a calculus class.”

Logan bristled. “I took calculus last year and got an A.”

Patton had to take a steadying breath. “That is not the same as teaching it.”

“It can’t be that hard. I will simply explain the information to them.”

“And when one of them asks you how to add two fractions?”

Logan’s eyebrows crinkled. “That is a basic skill. I am sure anyone in a college calculus course can do that easily.”

“You have clearly never taught a day in your life.”

Logan bristled. “Any adult who cannot add fractions should immediately be kicked out of university and returned to kindergarten where they belong.”

Patton looked at him for a moment hoping perhaps he would figure out on his own why what he just said was completely out of line. He just kept his jaw stubbornly firm. Patton took a breath. “And that is why you cannot go and teach these students.”

Logan scoffed. “I am not sure why my future self would put up with such things.”

“Because you almost failed your real analysis course,” Patton answered in a heartbeat. “Your first semester of teaching, you were also taking a first-year graduate real analysis course and you couldn’t understand a word of measure theory. It was the first time in your life that you had to work for a C. One day you looked at your students and came to the realization that the look on their faces when you tried to explain the product rule to them was likely the same expression your professor saw on yours when he tried to explain the existence of non-measurable sets. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and if we let someone else draw the line for stupid, there is every chance we’d end up on the wrong side of it. So,” Patton said crossing his arms, “I am not going to let you go ruin your own reputation with your students as a teacher who is not an asshole because you’ve not had to toe your own line yet.”

Logan met his eyes, clearly wanting to argue, but Patton just kept his face strict and his arms crossed. Logan’s face cleared suspiciously quickly, and he backed down. “Fine,” he agreed. “I will stay here.”

“Good,” Patton replied eyeing him. “Now put down the planner and let’s go back to work.”

Want to read more? Use the links below!

AO3 Part 9

My Masterpost

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #logicality #tsss #superhero au #memory loss #past child abuse #past child neglect #emotional suppression #self deprecation #gaps in his files #labeled universe #relabeled; refiled #adriana writes

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sir-silly · 4 years

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The Last War fan review

So, our beloved show has ended. And while I wish things would have gone differently, I did cry with relief when Clarke looked over and saw everyone already waiting for her.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the finale.

1) Going right into the title sequence kind of shocked me. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but I was just immediately like “oh.” It was a bitch-slap in the face that they left a gap in the credits for Bob Morley. Why you gotta do us like that?

2) Murphy screaming “come on” while they used the defibrillator on Emori was heartbreaking. And his little whispered encouragements were so freaking cute.

3) Clarke rampage? Yes, please! I love me a badass woman. However, unlimited ammo is a sin in writing. The moment Octavia picked up the sword was a big “oh yes.”

4) Did Cadogan not care about his son like at all? Lmao. Why is he so hung up on Callie and not his other kid (who I can’t even remember the name of). I don’t care if they explain in the prequel, that’s still a shitty parent choosing favorites. Along with his wife, like, was she not his greatest love? It was Callie? Kinda fucked up.

5) Why the fuck could Jordan figure out it was a test and not a war in 5 seconds when the Disciples were studying that shit for decades? I know he’s Monty’s son, but he’s not a genius or anything.

6) Thoughts on the test: I think Cadogan would have failed and the human race would be destroyed. Why bother asking questions if you already know all the answers?

7) Why wasn’t Gaia in the finale like at all?? Like, what the fuck. She was hunting??? For what?? That really annoyed me because I’ve grown to really like her and there was no point in her not being involved in the last episode. They seriously couldn’t have thrown her in there? Like, come on! Even Niylah was there! (not saying that I don’t like her, it’s just that Gaia has felt far more important to the story than her).

8) I do think that Jasper and Hope are cute together, and I know they spent the majority of their lives either alone or only with their parents, but GOD I can’t stand how awkward they are. Also, I know ya’ll have feelings for each other and shit, but is now really the time to be making out?? Why do people think that’s okay in literally the worst situations? I know it’s a show, but come on.

9) And how the fuck did Jordan throw and catch that sword? He’s a child who’s never fought a day in his life. Unless they suddenly want to tell me that Harper and Monty were secret ninjas and taught him all their tricks, I don’t believe that.

10) I’m being pissy and bringing up things from the past, but I don’t care. Why the fuck couldn’t Harper and Monty gone into cryo? I know they were happy and shit, but I’M NOT. How the fuck did it take so long for him to get into the files for Sanctum? His ass has done that shit a thousand times before in about two minutes and suddenly it takes him 80 years? Bullshit.

11) I’m still being pissy, but how the fuck does Jordan know what a magician is? “For my first trick, I will make an army appear.” Bruh, no. Monty wouldn’t have known what a magician was either. If they weren’t being taught what a Navy Seal was, there’s no way they knew what magicians were. Calling bullshit on that one as well.

12) I was pretty surprised that the Disciples didn’t start firing on Wonkru immediately. Like, this is the war they’ve been gearing up for forever and they don’t attack as soon as possible? Also, where the fuck did Wonkru get their war paint? Do they just constantly have it on their person? Or did their asses literally spend time making their paint before going to Bardo?

13) I fucking love Miller and Jackson. They’re freaking adorable. Murphy’s flat “I am glad you are safe” was so fucking funny. Also, saving Emori in one scene just to kill her in the next is bullshit. They should have just killed her the first time and done the same thing anyway. Murphy screaming at Jackson to do something and sobbing was heartbreaking. Fantastic acting on Richard Harmon’s part.

14) Octavia putting on Lincoln’s same warpaint again was once again, so sad. I miss that man. He was too good for his own good. And while I do think that her and Levitt are very cute together, I’ll always prefer her with Lincoln. But I think that he would be really happy that she has found someone new to love.

15) Apparently whatever Echo “did” to Levitt was so forgettable that I don’t even know what she’s talking about. Bad writing. I shouldn’t forget that in just a few weeks, I should remember as soon as I see the two of them in the same room.

16) Lexa. Just all of it. There were some suspicions that she would show up for the last episode, but I didn’t really believe them because I didn’t understand how she would be integrated. I’m glad that they did bring her back, but I’m also not. It was amazing to see her back by Clarke in all of her armor and glory, but knowing it wasn’t actually Lexa was just a punch in the face. It wasn’t her mind, so it’s almost like they didn’t bring her back anyway. I honestly would have preferred if they used someone else for her Judge, because that just really didn’t do it for me. Their hug was sweet, but it didn’t even count as her returning. I personally think that her Judge should have been Bellamy or Madi instead, as they both certainly could fill the role of “the subject’s greatest teacher or the source of their greatest failure...it can be their greatest love.” This is just my preference. Believe me, I know how much Lexa meant to Clarke, but as a fan, bringing our favorite Heda back in that way wasn’t the best way to do it. As a writer, it makes sense, but it doesn’t as a fan. The writers can’t just think of what is the best storytelling, they have to think of what those watching will think.

17) I’m confused about the mindspace? Why did Clarke wake up in her solitary room with her memories painted all over the walls, but Emori woke up in the castle with a view of the desert? Why wouldn’t it have been her and Murphy’s cave? Is there a reason it was the bedroom and not the cave?

18) I know this isn’t canon in any sense, but could you imagine if Murphy and Emori fought over John’s body and she won, and then suddenly woke up with a penis? How fucking funny would that be? Just had to throw that out there.

19) Can I just again reiterate how fucking cute Miller and Jackson are?

20) I’m curious about the location of the test. Why did Cadogan’s take place on a pier, while Raven’s happened on the Ark? If it was their favorite place, wouldn’t Raven’s have been actually out in space? Like during a spacewalk? I’m confused about that.

21) I knew that Raven was somehow going to be involved in the test just because of the trailers we got for the final episode. My two guesses for who the judge would be were Finn and Abby. Though I am happy that we got to see Abby again, I would be curious to see if the scene would have played out any differently if it had been Finn.

22) Where was the full line that was given in the trailer? Because that was amazing. “We’re selfish, and we’re violent, and we have destroyed too much, but we survived.” I loved that line far more than what we got instead, which was simply, “Have we made mistakes? Yes. Clarke, me, all of us, but we were just trying to survive.” I definitely would have chosen the former over the latter. Poor choice on the editors’ parts.

23) How the fuck did Octavia and Echo go out to the field and get Levitt with Echo only being shot once? With all the bullets, the three of them should have been torn apart, I don’t care how much Indra could cover Octavia. Calling bullshit on that as well.

24) Bringing this up kind of late because I’m giving my reviews as I’m rewatching the episode, but what they had Eliza do was really fucked up. Her and Bob suffered a miscarriage during the filming of season seven, so the scene of her holding Madi and crying “my baby” is like 10 times more heartbreaking. If they made her film that after having a miscarriage mere days, weeks or few months before, that’s really, really messed up.

25) They really played-up Sheidheda’s bringing back of “jus drein jus daun” in the trailer. In reality, it was far less intense. I would have preferred what I had been expecting, which was him coming to help convince Wonkru that they would be able to win. However, I am super glad that he is dead and Indra finally got to kill him. I love how that bigass gun just turns people into mist lol.

26) The beginning of Octavia’s speech was literally like “what the FUCK guys” and it was hilarious. And I swear to god if I hear her say “we are Wonkru” or “you are Wonkru” another time, I’m gonna scream. I know it was legit the last episode but I’m sick of it by now lol. When Indra was like “I hope you know what you’re doing,” Octavia’s face was just like “omg me too” and it was really funny.

27) Bellamy. His situation was a whole problem itself. He deserved a hell of a lot better and wHY DID HE CUT HIS HAIR I LIKED IT THE LONG WAY. Anyway, you can bet your ass I’ll be writing a different ending where he didn’t die because FUCK THAT. When I do, I’ll be sure to share it.

28) I’m fucking confused about Murphy and Emori both transcending. Because, what the fuck. Emori died. The dead don’t transcend. Her mind wasn’t even in her body, it was in Murphy’s. So how the fuck did she end up alive and in her own body again. I’m glad she’s alive, but I just don’t understand. It would have made way more sense to have either not had her die in the first place, or to have Murphy, Miller, and Jackson keep pumping her heart so she technically “lived” anyway like Echo.

29) If Madi had decided not to transcend, would she still have been paralyzed? I mean, I would assume not because Levitt and Hope’s gunshots were healed, as was Emori, but I’m curious. Also, wouldn’t Raven’s leg have been fixed? Because if they only fix recent wounds and not old ones, that’s stupid.

30) On the point of Madi deciding not to transcend, why did she? Why didn’t so many other people choose not to? Like, not one Eligius prisoner or person from Sanctum chose to live? No one else from Wonkru? Why didn’t anyone else other than the main cast and guest stars not transcend? I totally understand the Disciples transcending, but seriously, nobody else wanted to live? That’s really weird. Madi and her friends really couldn’t have chosen to live on Earth with Clarke and the others? I just think it’s really unrealistic that not one single person outside of the group chose not to transcend.

31) I was really surprised that Murphy and Emori chose not to transcend, because as the Judge said, they would eventually die and not join them in the infinite. It shocked me due to their fear of dying and wanting to be immortal, but I’m really proud of them.

32) I’m disappointed that those who don’t transcend can’t have children. There were suspicions that Emori might have been pregnant (which were never confirmed), but the idea of her and Murphy having a kid together was adorable. They’d have their teeny tiny families with those two, Hope and Jordan, and Octavia and Levitt.

33) This isn’t as much me pointing out a problem as me wondering, what was Clarke going to say to the Judge when she turned around? What else did she have to say or ask? Was it about Madi? Or maybe Lexa? Or just transcending in general?

34) It’s pretty shitty that some of our questions went unanswered due to the fact that there will be a prequel. On the other hand, I live for lore, so I’m just glad that they eventually will be answered. But still, that doesn’t excuse shitty writing.

35) I want to see a stupid edit of Picasso taking the test where the Judge is Madi.

I think we all know that season seven was really not what we wanted it to be. We’ve been really disappointed by the writers and unfortunately, this is what we got out of it. I believe they really could have done a better job, but I am at least glad that everyone ended up together.

The writing was lacking. Too many questions were left unanswered, I don’t care if you’re making a sequel or not. Plot holes. It really could have been a good season if it was done better.

My ranking of the seasons is as follows: 3, 2, 4, 1, 6, 5, 7. Seasons 4 and 1 are kind of interchangeable for me in spots three and four, as are 6 and 5 in the two spots behind them, whatever the order may be.

But I still love the show. I love the characters, their development, and many things about it. It has been quite the journey and I am glad to have been a fan of the show.

May we meet again.

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confessionsofaromanticidiot · 3 years

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Lord Voldemort - The reason why you should never ignore red flags in a relationship!

Disclaimer J.K. Rowling please don’t sue me but yes, we did give my ex the nickname of the evil villain from Harry Potter. Let’s call him Jamie. Jamie had every red flag known to man but me stupidly ignored them all as only a deluded emotionally unstable woman can. Again, I look back on this relationship and wonder a few things:

1. How the fuck did it last five years?

2. Why did I put up with so much bullshit?

3. How did I ignore every red flag thrown in my face?

I guess, even though Jamie was a red flag from day one, it was not always bad. Originally when we first start dating, I was actually the one that asked him out. Mistake number one, actually going on this date with the douche bag but as I said it was not always the horrendous shit show our last year together was. We ended up in a relationship for five years, it could not have been that terrible. He did tell me he loved me first, I said it back, but I didn’t really mean it at the time, but I was absolutely obliterated drunk and it just came out of my mouth.

Lesson number one people: NEVER SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT! I have had since Jamie and I’s break up almost two years ago, had at least two men said they love me, but I was not ready probably for good reason I suppose looking back on it now. (Including an extremely sexy French Doctor but we will come back to that train wreck later).

In five years, I faked nearly every orgasm yes, I know guys we aren’t meant to this, sex was not our strong point. I always was a very sexual person, but this battered my sexual confidence in a tiny box, tied an anchor to it and dumped it off a ship somewhere near the Bermuda triangle never to be seen again or so I thought. But he was kind and sweet, so I just sucked it up. I decided that this was a sacrifice I had to make because every other aspect of our relationship was so blissful (I am laughing as I type this). I kind of saw him as a fixer upper, he had a great job, family where AMAZING but lacked something to this day i cannot put my finger on it. He was never satisfied with anything in his life was always pushing for more or looking to others to see what they where doing in order to compare his life? I guess, I made the age old mistake of thinking I could change him. Also mistake number two, if he was never satisfied with the things in his life, why did I think I would be any different?

The point of this section is guess is not to bitch about my ex but to teach people not to ignore all the RED FUCKING FLAGS. You will notice I make this mistake over and over in relationships but to a lesser extent (I’ll get there I promise), but I have also learnt from this relationship to cut and run when it feels wrong because guess what? If it feels wrong, it most likely is wrong and you trust your intuition a little more.

So, some examples of Jamie’s glaring RED FLAGS, that I made excuses for

1. First night he met my best friend, we went to a night club and he hit on another girl in front of us and when I confronted him, he left us there.

2. Suffered with Anxiety, not saying that this a red flag as I suffer too but he had a dependency on alcohol to get through social events but more often than not got completely obliviated. Which meant some of the things he said or did to me when drunk where forgotten about and therefore ignored or I was told it didn’t happen that he would never do such a thing because he loved me.

3. I have PCOS (Yes, I know I am barrel of laughs right), at one stage when I was 27, I was told I could not have children (Which also turned out to be a misdiagnoses). I was devastated it was as though part of me died but he ignored and went drinking. Came home locked and woke me up had a massive argument after I had spent the best part of a day crying as though someone died. He did not seem to care.

4. I was on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I couldn’t really drink but yet dragged me to the pub every time and or was dubbed BORING because I didn’t want to go.

5. SEX became non-existent (Not that it was that great anyway but.._). Mainly due to the fact he was getting it from somewhere else for the last 7 months of our relationship.

6. Our last valentine day together, he used his brother as excuse to go have a night out with the other me in a hotel. Sidebar Jamie’s brother suffered with mental illness and used the fact that if something was to happen to him on our wedding day (Thank Christ that never happened), I would tell him to help him to go to cheat on me the sick bastard.

7. Point above continued, the kicker the Friday after I covered his room with tea lights and tried to make it romantic because we missed valentine’s day. He came home drunk (Feel the trend) and had a massive argument with me. Gut punch hadn’t even written my Valentine’s day card three days after the actual day!

8. When we EVENTUALLY broke up, he compared me to sturdy house, that’s amazing but how do you know you want that house and not the house next door! (Rolling my eyes as I type this)

If I look back on it now, point one with my emotional maturity I would have told him to Fuck right off and never see him again. Right but I was 25, had been cheated on before so was emotionally vulnerable. I was stupid, I left that relationship with a lack of self confidence and he was cute so I looked past a lot. As we got older, we changed and became really different people but neither of us recognized it. Well, we did but neither of us wanted to be the bad guy, so it got ignored for another year.

Now, I am not excusing the fact I ignored it too, I should have cut and run on one of the above points not allowing it get to points 6 through 8 and there were others also not mentioned. But when you are in relationship that you are constantly making excuses for people’s behavior, it becomes your default. Never do this, never let something in a relationship become a default behavior. Due to the fact someone’s bad behavior becomes normalized, you begin to believe this is just the way we are but guess what it is not how you are!!

Also, I had my part to play, I am not angel let’s be honest a relationship does not go to shit from one person being a dick head. It takes two Tango! I gave up trying to have sex with him and bought a vibrator. It gave me more orgasms anyway. When I stopped trying bar once or twice, he didn’t even try. He will never admit it, but he stopped being attracted to me physically, to be honest I don’t blame him for it. I was put on two courses of steroids prior to starting the HRT, I got to my heaviest weight and my own mental health started to decline. I would not look in mirror and who wants to be with someone that is constantly jabbing themselves with needles or crying because your jeans don’t fit anymore. Plus, I am not going to sugar coat this in any way I was an absolute CUNT on HRT. Mood swings alone was enough to make some of my family members stay clear never mind anyone else.

Does this excuse in anyway what he did? Of course not, but if I was the person I am today, point one might have given a second chance not to be himself basically and when that eventually happened, I would have left. Now, at one point I was so duped that I had a life planned for us but again as we got older our plans became very drastically different. Personally, my own life experiences made me want different things and I went through a lot of stuff that no person not just a woman should go through in their lifetime. But I matured much quicker even than some of my friends, so we were naturally at odds.

When we eventually broke up again it never really was a final argument either, I just knew I never wanted to see him ever. I realized that I cried once and it was more out of anger that he had used his depressed brother as an excuse to cheat on me. That was all that annoyed me about the entire thing, when I finally removed myself from the situation, I felt like I could breathe again.

Learning out comes, never ignore red flags, or try to identify them enough in the relationship which can be hard to do because of the honeymoon phase. Never make excuse for someone’s bad behaviors, let them live with the consequences. Be the bad guy, if you are not feeling a relationship anymore, for god sake leave before someone gets hurt. To be honest, Jamie gifted me a get out of jail card by cheating on me to leave without acknowledging part of the fault it was all on him. But no, I gave up too the cheating was just the golden ticket I needed to get out of a toxic relationship. Never allow your emotions to be manipulated, in the manner I did it took a very long time after this relationship for me to actually fully and wholly trust a man with my heart.

It’s sad really, that it came to this. If one of us had of been braver there would not have been so much damage not caused at all. But I guess my experience and reflection has brought me to you, my only hope is by documenting my mistakes, some of you may not go down the same path.

#relationship #emotional health #maturity #loveyourself #emotional growth #healthy relationships

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whatdoesshedotothem · 3 years

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Tuesday 8 April 1834: SH:7/ML/E/17/0017

7 25

12 35

Fine morning F53° at 8 5 ready in 40 minutes - Had Charles H- sent him and James pulling down a way from the blue room stairs into the upper kitchen chamber - in fact, they began at 7 ½ having ordered all about it last night - breakfast at 9 ½ - out again at 10 ¼ with Pickels and his 6 men or with the 1 mason George Hardy in the morning pulling down and walling up for the passage into the upper kitchen chamber and in the afternoon at 12 began under footing the house ½ yard below where the terrace formerly stood - Charles and James all day at the upper kitchen doorway - at one went up to look about the site for Whiskam toll house expecting Washington too set it out tomorrow - then sauntering in the upper land - saw Town - said he should offer Empsall £5 to tempt him to give up the Allan car - at 2 ½ for an hour had Isaac Green about Northgate - I said £8000 for the land 6DW.1qrs.8p. and £1000 for the buildings - and the money paid down on signing the deeds - would give him till this day-month to consider, and then, whether I had had an answer or not, all should be at an end, and I at liberty as if nothing had ever passed on the subject - but, at last, on his pressing me to give him the refusal, said I would end all that by putting the place up to auction as soon as I could - well! but if he did not see it advertised might he come again about it - yes! but he might depend upon seeing it advertised as soon as it could - out again in the afternoon till 6 ½ at which hour a Mrs. St George came offering drawings to be bought of her in charity - gave her a glass of wine, but declined making any purchases, having other charities more than enough for all I can spare - dinner at 6 ¾ - coffee - musing in the upper kitchen chamber what do to with it - wrote out last Friday with my aunt from 9 ½ to 10 50 - Kind letter this morning 3 pages and ½ page crossed from Miss Walker Heworth Grange York - Dr Belcombe might well look grave – his oldest son had taken French leave and spent his Easter holidays at Beverley races – when I met the boy out of Monk bar on Saturday, who said he was returning from Beverley I little thought his excursion had been of such bad omen - letter also this morning from Mr. Cholmeley of Brandsby - ‘Mr. Cholmeley has the pleasure of informing Miss Lister that he considers James Clayton to be perfectly honest, sober and trustworthy, that he understands his business as a country footman and was always civil and well behaved - Brandsby April 6th 1834’ - very fine day - F50° at midnight - Letter 3 pages and ½ dozen lines on the ends from M- Leamington tonight – she had thought and felt me long in writing – ‘I attributed your silence to more absorbing interests than those which writing to Mary could give’ – had noticed the conclusion of my 2 last letters – very especially yours leaving out the word entirely earnestly prays for my happiness if I have in anyway interfered with it I have no less trampled upon my own for I have never loved any but you this you know a wife for eighteen years with nothing but the name your image alone awakened feelings for which otherwise I had no use I loved you dearly and fondly I do love you dearly and fondly and can neither understand nor account for the influence which circumstances in spite of inclination have had over me ‘The mind was less strong than the feelings, and unable to bear its own weight of sorrow, too readily yielded to the compliant of having it shared by one whose sympathy I had believed had no other spring than what arose from a kind and affectionate regard’ Unfortunately the confidence which existed between us and which at first were on matters least connected with the heart became from untoward events of deeper interest yet I am quite satisfied that until that fatal folly at Newton which awakened the pity of all and in myself a mental indignation which so disgusted me with Mr δ- that it seemed to tear away the last link of anything like patience neither party were aware of anything more than a friendly and brotherly regard it was the affronting injustice then offered to us both and I tell you honestly my Fred if I had not been for the thought of you and the virtuous feeling of the individual who had shared the insult even stronger principles than Mary’s might have been periled my regard for you has been a never dying security for as the nominal wife of such a man as Mr δ- I might have been subjected to more than the ordinary trials of my sex had it not been for the too fortunate position in which you had placed me I always felt myself your individual property and forgot that other knew not this poor Willoughby sorrowed over the unappreciated wife his regard increased and I now believe his peace of mind might be end angered but yet he never told me so all he now writes is that in leaving home country and friends one hope sustains him and that I may rest assured that the being dearest to his boys will not be forgotten by him I would give much to recall some part of the past but that which is to become is alone within our power to influence Freddy ‘It is almost difficult not to become a predestinarian – we seem allowed so little choice in what concerns us most – tantalized with an appearance of freedom when in fact we hardly seem to have it God grant that all may be for the best. I am sick I am sorry my Fred I could

SH:7/ML/E/17/0018

be miserable love me think of me in pity do both yes you have indeed been my friend ‘a tried and steady one’ and you are still the kindly prop which supports me under sorrows which even time has not taught me to bear with unconcern would that you were with me am I not to see you this summer I am now alone Mr δ- is gone to Lawton I did expect him back tomorrow but I hardly know whether he comes or not I enjoy my solitude for we have no feeling in common there are few subjects however matter of fact which somehow or other he does not contrive to turn into discord Freddy I cannot touch on indifferent subjects my mind is occupied by that on which I have written I can add no more than that I am still yours affectionately and entirely Mariana. Miss Cholmley had just come in and begged to be remembered to me - M- was going to spend the day with her What a letter! We should not have been happy together now this Crewe business even on her own stating is too much I am better without her and rejoice at rather than repent having escaped.

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ohblackdiamond · 4 years

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little t&a (paul/gene, nc-17) (part 18 of 29)

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13 part 14 part 15 part 16 part 17 part 18 part 19 part 20 part 21 part 22 part 23 part 24 part 25 part 26 part 27 part 28 part 29

Four weeks before KISS gets back on tour, Gene discovers that Paul’s been cursed by a groupie. For the sake of KISS’ finances, Paul’s comfort levels, and Gene’s libido, this crisis must be resolved. Sexswap fic. In this chapter: Gene takes Paul home.

Gene went through Paul’s closet and drawers, getting him out a shirt, jeans, boxers, and shoes as he waited on the limo, just in case Paul had been able to go through with it and end the curse. The more he thought about it, the more Gene hoped he hadn’t. Paul had barely specified anything—he doubted that Carol had, either—beyond it being over once he had sex. Would he have had any time to leave before he started changing back? Or would whoever he’d slept with end up watching the whole bizarre process? It was a gruesome train of thought, but better, maybe, than picturing what else could have happened to Paul. At least back in his own body, he could fend a guy off.

Gene thought about the altercation on the front porch with Peter and Ace. He hadn’t really given it the consideration he should have. But both the guys had been holding back when Paul had first charged at them. Peter had screamed a lot, but he’d just held Paul off of Ace, for the most part. If Peter had wanted to, he could’ve really hurt him. But he hadn’t, and probably not just because Peter had thought he was Paul’s girlfriend, but because he was a girl. Paul wouldn’t have been afforded that kind of protection on his own at some bar.

Gene realized, sickly, that he hadn’t thought things out much better than Paul had. Letting him leave had been the stupidest of his missteps, sure, but he’d mostly thought about Paul being a girl in terms of how it related to him. Not so much in terms of how it related to the way everyone else would treat him. He swallowed, bagging up the clothes as the limo pulled up.

Gene spent the limo ride staring anxiously at his own watch, stomach churning, a dozen scenarios playing out at once in his head. CBGB had just been a guess, and a dim one at that. Paul had genuinely liked that little dump, a hell of a lot more than he’d liked Studio 54. Been fond of the acts there. But Paul knew his way around plenty of dumps. Gene wouldn’t have put it past him to have driven to the nearest juke joint, just for convenience and anonymity. And if he had, then Gene didn’t know if he would find him, or if Paul would be driving himself back home the next day, terrified, broken-down, or worse. Not even coming home at all. And he’d be responsible. He’d be responsible.

He hadn’t taken care of Paul at all. Peter had known better. Peter would’ve made Paul stay inside even if it had meant barricading the doors to Paul’s own house. Gene rubbed his forehead as though that could ease the aching there. There’d been that killer last year around the Queens area; Gene didn’t know if they’d caught him. That guy that ran around murdering dark-haired girls out West. All sorts of shit. Just all sorts. If Paul had… if he’d…

He ran out of the parking lot almost before the limo had even stopped, not waiting on the chauffeur to even hand him an umbrella for the rain. He’d… if he couldn’t find Paul now, here, he’d phone Bill Aucoin. Tell him everything. Have a manhunt. Bill could figure everything out, spin it any damn way he wanted. Make up another set of lies. Search the whole New York area for Paul in whatever shape he was in. If it destroyed KISS, let it. He didn’t care. He didn’t care as long as Paul was safe.

In his hurry to CBGB, he didn’t even notice Paul’s car parked less than a dozen feet away from the limo.

There might’ve been fifty people left in the club when he walked in, a lone bouncer smoking marijuana just inside. He glanced at Gene, seeming to recognize him from the night prior, then rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

“The Ramones already left, man.”

“I’m not here for the band,” Gene said. “Look, the gu—the girl I was with last night, you remember? Is she here?”

“The tall girl with the tits?” the bouncer said offhand, taking a drag. Gene stiffened, but the bouncer didn’t seem too concerned. “Yeah, she came in awhile ago.”

“Is she still here?”

“Didn’t see her leave. But we’re about to close.”

That didn’t mean Paul hadn’t left. He could’ve taken that back exit he’d brought Gene through the other night. Gene didn’t bother thanking him, striding into the main area of the club. The band was long gone; the only sounds left were the jukebox and occasional guitar riffs from the few drunks left around the bar. No one seemed to be paying enough attention to recognize him; or maybe he was just putting people off from it, stalking through, looking for him. Every time he got near one of the few couples left in the place, he felt sick, searching the girl’s face, never finding Paul there.

He made it to the bar after a few minutes, and caught a glimpse of red hair and a cheap jumpsuit. She was leaning over someone in a black jacket, someone slumped over a corner table.

“Mary-Anne,” he called out, hurrying toward her. She turned. Relief seemed to smash into his guts as he got closer and realized who the girl at the table had to be, even though her face was pressed up against her arms. He’d only seen those same wild, dark curls for the last eight years.

Gene crossed over to the table, reaching for Paul’s shoulder. Mary-Anne smacked at his hand.

“It’s about time you showed up.”

“Paul—”

“You didn’t even do what I said. You just let her go off alone. What kind of asshole are you?”

He didn’t answer her. There really wasn’t an answer to give. She was as right as Peter had been. Told Gene to be good to Paul and he’d done Paul even worse than a groupie.

“Paul.” He leaned over him, Mary-Anne only grudgingly moving to the side to accommodate him. Paul made a couple murmuring sounds, but didn’t raise his head. Gene started rubbing his shoulder through the jacket, half to reassure himself that Paul was there, and solid, and safe, at least now. He turned to Mary-Anne. “What happened?”

“Quaaludes. She keeps going in and out.”

Oh, God. Paul didn’t use Quaaludes on his own. He’d sampled a lot of other shit, sure, but Gene had never seen him take Ace or Peter or the roadies up on that particular pill. Gene swallowed.

“Is h—is she okay?”

Mary-Anne gave him an irritated look.

“You asking if anything happened? I don’t think so. She’d puked it up in the bathroom when I found her.”

“You’ve stayed with her?”

“Somebody had to.” She let out a snort. “You rockstars are all the same. I don’t know where you get off. That poor thing, she’s got no business out here by herself.”

“You don’t even know who she is.”

“Yeah, I do. She’s yours.”

“What?”

“You heard me. She’s been talking about you this whole time.” She reached over, and if she noticed Gene’s stare, she never reacted to it, tapping Paul’s arm. He stirred a little. “Did you ever find her?”

“Find who?”

“Carol Jensen.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we did.”

Mary-Anne shook her head.

“She reminds me of Carol. Just pitiful.” Mary-Anne didn’t elaborate, massaging Paul’s arm until slowly, he raised his head. “Hey, honey, he’s taking you back.”

“Gene?” Paul’s speech was sluggish. He looked like he was on the verge of nodding off, head bobbing a little with each word, but his eyes finally started to focus on Gene’s face. “Gene, I’m… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize. We’re going home.”

“My car… can’t…”

“Your car’s out here, right? Give me your keys.”

Paul’s arm shifted. Again, he was feeling around for a pocket the dress he didn’t have. Gene reached over, digging in the pocket of Paul’s jacket, coming up with his keys and wallet. He stuck the wallet back.

“But you dunno how to drive…”

“I’ll send someone to take it back for you. My chauffeur’s here for us.” Gene took Paul’s arm. It was limp and warm. He squeezed it, briefly, before letting go. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Paul nodded dully. Mary-Anne shot Gene a disgusted look before Gene headed over to the nearest bouncer, who was more than happy to lead him personally to Hilly Kristal. Hilly looked tired but mildly flattered at the sight of him two nights in a row.

“Is it the scenery you dig, or the music?”

“Neither,” Gene said. “I need to use your phone.”

Hilly waved a hand absentmindedly, ushering him into an office just as ratty as the rest of the club. The phone was the color of day-old French fries, and looked almost as greasy. He dug through his own wallet, finally coming up with one of the KISS corporation’s business cards, and dialed it, the receiver feeling like a deadweight in his hand.

“Hey, this is Gene Simmons. I’m with Paul Stanley right now. Yeah. He’s gotten kind of loaded. His car’s out at CBGB. If you could have someone pick it up—no, no, just the car. Just take his car back, it’s fine. I’ll take care of him. No, that’s fine. I got it. The key’s with the club owner. Thanks.” He hung up the receiver. Hilly turned to him, puzzled.

“Haven’t seen Paul Stanley this whole night.”

“Yeah, you have.”

Hilly’s lip twitched upwards.

“That how it is? All right, all right.”

Gene tugged Paul’s car key from the keyring and handed it to Hilly, who took it with a yawn.

“Did you bring that girl again, or are you looking for someone else?”

“Same girl.”

“Gotcha.” Another bouncer was heading towards him, and he raised his hand. “I’ve got to go. Sorry I didn’t catch you when you came in. We were about to close up, to be honest. But if there’s anything you boys want, it’s yours. We’ll keep the place open as long as you’re around.”

“I’m just leaving, but thanks.” Gene headed back to the corner table. Paul was sitting up a little bit, drooping head propped up by his arm. Mary-Anne was talking to him, but whatever their conversation, she stopped once Gene approached.

“We’re going home now, Paul.”

“’S… s’okay. I just really need to sleep…”

“I know. You can sleep in the limo.” He reached over, taking Paul’s arm, the one he wasn’t steadying his head against. Paul seemed like he was moving in slow motion, other arm half-flopping off the table as he got to his feet, leaning up against Gene heavily. Mary-Anne didn’t help steady him, still sitting at the table with that same look of disgust.

“Thanks for staying, Mary-Anne. I appreciate it.” Gene swallowed thickly. “Do you have an address?”

“Sure. Why?”

“So I can thank you properly.” He dug out his wallet. Of course, he didn’t have a pen, but he did have the business cards he’d thumbed through earlier. He pressed one into her hand. “This number right here is KISS’ management. Call, tell the woman on the line who you are, give her your address, and—” he hesitated. “I’d say you’d get free front-row tickets to whatever show you wanted, but—”

“I don’t go for that anymore.”

“Call and give her your address anyway. I’ll have a check sent.”

“Forget it.” Mary-Anne let out a breath, pushing back her chair and getting up, turning away. She was headed back to the bar. “Just take the poor kid home.”

Gene did, walking Paul out the back exit the way he’d been shown the night before. It was still raining hard. He hadn’t brought a jacket of his own. He tried to yank up Paul’s so at least Paul’s head and hair wouldn’t get too wet, but Paul was stumbling so much that he gave up after only a few attempts. They were both soaked by the time they got to the parking lot. His driver came out as soon as he spotted them, holding out an umbrella, really too late to be of any use. Gene took it anyway, listening to the droplets pound against the plastic for those few steps, before he had to close it to guide Paul into the car.

He had an arm wrapped around Paul the whole way back, as if anyone else could even get hold of him now. Paul would stir off and on in the limo. He’d say things, ramble strangely, but for the most part he’d fall back asleep against Gene’s shoulder within a few minutes. Gene had seen chicks on Quaaludes before; hell, he’d seen Peter and Ace mix them with alcohol plenty for a stronger buzz. They’d end up both horny and flat on their asses. Gene didn’t invite girls to his room that didn’t at least seem sober, not wanting to court the possibility of them passing out or vomiting everywhere, so he didn’t know if Paul’s napping was normal or an indication of an overdose.

“You want a doctor?” he asked once, while he was awake. Paul shook his head.

“Paul, did anything happen? The girl said she didn’t think so, but—”

“Uh-uh. Gene, just… I’m tired, I can’t concentrate.”

Gene let him alone after that. The soft breaths against his shoulder smelled like vomit and alcohol. Paul drooled on him a few times, too, but he didn’t mind. By the time they pulled up to Paul’s place, Gene was able to maneuver him into getting out of the car, half-carrying, half-walking him up the front porch steps and into the house. The Quaaludes had left Paul in a weird state, out of it but frighteningly, basically pliable. It scared him to watch how slowly but how easily he was moved around. It scared him to think of what would have happened to him if Mary-Anne hadn’t found him. He must have had his drink spiked by whatever guy he’d been trying to hit on. Paul must’ve figured it out and tried to puke it up, or else, just thrown up as a side-effect.

Gene took his shoes off for him before helping him into bed, still in the dress. He didn’t really want to take him out of it. There was some dried vomit in his hair. Gene got a towel from the master bathroom, soaked it in water, and used the towel to wipe it out of his hair. After a little more consideration, he soaked another washcloth in water and wiped Paul’s face off with it, getting rid of the last smudges of makeup and the crusted drool on his mouth. Then he tossed both towels in the hamper, stripped to his boxers, and crawled into bed beside him.

Awhile later, he heard the bedsprings creak. Paul had scooted over in his sleep, his face pressed against Gene’s chest. Like a little kid, just worn out, that was all.

She’s yours, that was what Mary-Anne had said. Yours. Gene didn’t think about it before he put an arm around him, pulling him in tighter, falling asleep to the rhythm of Paul’s breaths on his skin.

#kiss the band #kiss fanfiction #paul stanley #gene simmons #gene simmons x paul stanley

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burn-in-the-dawn · 3 years

Text

"CURSED" Characters' Age Breakdown (per the book)

Squirrel: 10 years old

Iris: 11 years old

Pym: 16

Nimue: 16

Gawain: 23 (see discussion below)

Uther Pendragon: 26

Arthur: age unspecified, likely 25-26 (see discussion below)

Lancelot: age unspecified, presumably same age range as Gawain & Arthur & Uther (to be discussed in more detail at a later date)

Morgana: age unspecified, likely 21-24 (she's stated in the book by Arthur to be 2 years younger than him, but he's an unreliable narrator about his past so that might be unreliable as well...see discussion below)

DISCUSSION/Explanation of Questionable and/or Speculated Ages

Gawain: Okay, so, the book expressly states him to be "7 years older" than Nimue & have left Dewdenn "at age 14", specifying his departure as having been 9 years before the story itself takes place (Nimue is confirmed several times in the book to be 16 - almost 17). And despite the fact that actor Matt Stokoe (29-30 at time of filming) does not pull off passing for early-mid 20s the way his costars do (IRL he's a few years younger than Daniel Sharman who played The Weeping Monk / Lancelot & only two years older than Devon Terrell who played Arthur), that's something I'm willing to suspend my disbelief on & mentally compartmentalize as "world-weariness & war have taken a toll & 'aged' him beyond his years". In part because, looking back at some of his roles several years ago, the actor looked damn near 30 when he was 23. My own ex looked at age 24 (when I met him) older than Stokoe does now, I've got a friend who looked mid-30s at age 19, I have old photos of my mother at age 13 where she looked completely indistinguishable from her wedding pictures at 23 or her nursing school graduation pictures at 27 & I myself was consistently mistaken for my mid-20s by the time I was 14. The classic "Gawain" hairstyle also does him no favors; there's a scene very early on in his introduction, when he & Nimue are alone in one of the caverns discussing the Sword & Merlin, where he's freshly clean shaven with his hair pulled back away from his face in a ponytail & while he still doesn't look 23 he does look considerably younger than in any other scene in the series. (I genuinely think that production was just kind of oblivious - with 34 year old Daniel Sharman so easily passing for a decade younger - to the fact Matt Stokoe was not 'reading' early-mid 20s the way his costars do). But more pointedly, in the context of 'Cursed', Arthur's fear of loosing Nimue to Gawain is played out only as jealousy directed at a perceived rival for her affection. Regardless of which one's responses & behaviors to other situations present as mature vs childish, they very expressly interact with eachother behaviorally as rivals & contemporaries, NOT like a youth vs an older adult (in fact, Gawain behaves markedly immaturely around/toward Arthur - on pretty much every level - up until Moycraig). They even choreographed the majority of Gawain's/Arthur's postures & movements to mirror eachother from their 2nd scene together onward, to draw a cinematic visual parallel between them from the very beginning. I think if Gawain being considerably older had been an intentional/conscious change on the part of the show, the dynamic of their relationship wouldn't have been staged so specifically to mirror eachother to such an extent.

Arthur: Now, that being said, even though the book doesn't specify I strongly suspect book-Arthur himself to be canonically no younger than 25. Reason being, in the Arthuriana Tradition, Arthur unknowingly being a Pendragon bastard or secret offspring is one of the single most consistent themes throughout centuries of varying lore, hand in hand with the magic Sword, for his claim to the throne. And the book does have him expressly introduce Morgana as his younger half-sister, which not only suggests same mother with different father but also that despite Arthur having been raised by him they know he's not biologically Sir Tor's (although Arthur thinks of him as such). Now, 'Cursed' is obviously forgoing the traditional lore of Arthur being Uther's illegitimate son, because no matter how you slice it Uther's too young to have fathered him even if you aged show-Uther up a decade+ from the book's specified 26 years old & aged Arthur down a bit. But beyond that, they've thrown in the added touch of Uther himself - having been secretly switched at birth for Queen Lunette's still-born son - not in fact being the previous king's true-born heir. Once the Sword passes eventually to Arthur, even with legends about "he who wields the sword will be the true king", Man Blood society will require more than prophecy to recognize/legitimize a his rulership. Though strictly speculation, if I had to make a prediction about Book/Season 2, it would be on Merlin or someone else uncovering evidence that Arthur's actually the previous king's illegitimate biological son rather than his "father" Sir Tor's - conceived shortly before the old king's death sometime during Queen Lunette's pregnancy - at a guess that evidence coming from either Arthur's aunt or uncle. I figure that evidence will wind up being publicly recognized/acknowledged as part of the climax of a redemption/growth arch for Uther, naming Arthur his "brother/heir", prior to his own death - giving Arthur a legitimate claim on the Pendragon throne that supercedes Cumber's claim as a Pendragon cousin. If I'm right in that prediction, since the old King had died by the time Uther was born, Arthur can be no more than 9 months younger than 26 year old Uther, making him at least 25. (It's debated within the fandom that he doesn't look or act like the character is out of his late teens, but considering the actor himself is 28, I'm really not sure how that's defined? Appearance-wise he's got more chest hair on display with his doublet on than Lancelot does with shirt off & his immature avoidance of responsibility seems from the book to be more reflective of subconsciously modeling Tor's example than an age indicator but he's old enough he's spent several years already as a sword-for-hire mercenary. So, while I do allow my theory in his parentage & age is speculation which Book/Season 2 may prive me completely wrong able - not ratified canon - I do stand by that theory for my fic-verse; how old someone "looks" is really subjective & debatable, plus if "maturity level" was meant to be any kind of concrete age indicator in the Cursed-verse then King Uther wouldn't spend the entire series & book acting like a spoiled 6 year old.)

[The following doesn't change anything about how old I think Arthur himself is, but creates some potential flexibility regarding Morgana's age: When Arthur's reflecting on memories of childhood - even via internal monolog - he's consistently inconsistent regarding what age he claims to have been for key noted childhood events (at one point in his thoughts he recalls being 16 with his living mother away tending to a sick relative when Tor died, but later on in the book he reflects that he'd been 10 when Morgana was sent away to Yvoire Convent after he inherited all of Sir Tor's debt with presumably no living mother around to prevent it; alternatively, the show specified he was age 12 when Tor died & Morgana was sent away). At first I thought it was a total screw-up in the writing, but then I reread Morgana's repeated characterization of him as inconsistent & flighty & self-serving & utterly full of shit, paired with Arthur's own characterization of Tor (who again, I don't think was his biological father but was certainly his most formative male role-model) as quite literally talking out of his ass about his imaginary exploits pretty much 100% of the time & Arthur himself repeatedly bending the truth to get what he wants as an ingrained survival habit consistently seen via interaction with people like Bors & Druuna. Again, this is purely speculation, but I think it his written contradictory self-reflections were probably very much on purpose to intentionally establish him as a starting off a significantly "unreliable narrator" the same way he recalls Tor being, to the point of lying to himself rather than deal with painful memories or take accountability/responsibility for uncomfortable personal flaws & faults. I suspect that him overcoming that tendency that he learned from Tor's example - with actions like admitting to Nimue he was in the wrong going after the first man he ever killed (mistakenly believing him to be one of those responsible for Tor's death) shaming his father's memory & like coming back to fight with/for the Fey - are going to be a driving feature within his growth/redemption arch in Book/Season 2.]

Morgana: The book specifies Arthur telling Nimue that Morgana is 2 years his junior; however, he establishes himself as such an unreliable narrator that I feel like anything he says about him & Morgana that's not directly corroborated by Morgana herself is suspect, even their age difference, so I'll allow for the possibility of the age gap potentially being up to 4 years instead of 2. If my guess (see above) about Arthur's paternity - therefore his age - is correct, that puts Morgana herself somewhere between 21 -24. Per societal norms of the period, that actually puts her into "old maid" territory, but contextually to the historical era, she would have been able to get away with dodging societal pressure of being married off against her wishes by that age - up until leaving the abbey at least - because of having been at convent (in contrast to 16 year old Pym, who in both the book & the show says her mother's trying to force her into an unwanted marriage to "Stinky Aaron" the human fish-wife's son).

(note: I compiled this mostly as a quick reference citation I can direct myself or my fic readers back to for my 'canon' logic on the ages I've assigned characters in my stories. I went with the ages listed in the book for my fic-verse because of the express lack of clarification of most of them given in the show & am speculating on the others based on lore-related theory, so yes the potentially problematic age difference is present. I don't intend to villainize Arthur over having pursued her, partially because even though the readers know she's 16 there's nothing in the book & only one brief comment from Gawain in the show which isn't followed up on - Ector calling her a child doesn't count because he dismisses all of them as children - to indicate that Arthur knows she's that young & many contextual reasons for him to have assumed she was older. I apologize if that offends, but it's not meant as an endorsement of it; as the story outline/concept for this fic-verse stands I have no plans on romantically pairing Nimue with anyone & no plans for Pym so soon after Dof's death to be seriously looking at anyone in that capacity until much later in the story.)

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wasalwaysagreatpickle · 3 years

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Tuesday 8 April 1834

7 25/..

12 35/..

Fine morning Fahrenheit 53 1/2˚ at 8 5/.. ready in 40 minutes – Had Charles Howarth set him and James pulling down a way from the blue room stairs into the upper kitchen chamber – in fact, they began at 7 1/2, having ordered all about it last night – breakfast at 9 1/2 – out again at 10 1/4 with Pickels and his 6 men or with the 1 mason George Hardy in the morning pulling down and walling up for the passage into the upper kitchen chamber and in the afternoon at 12 began under footing the house 1/2 yard below where the terrace formerly stood – Charles and James Howarth all day at the upper kitchen doorway –

At one went up to look about site for Whiskum toll house expecting Washington to set it out tomorrow – then sauntering in the upper land – saw Town – said he should offer Empsall £5 to tempt him to give up the Allen Car – at 2 1/2 for an hour had Isaac Green about Northgate – I said £8000 for the land 6.1.8 [days work, quarters, pecks] and £1000 for the buildings – and the money paid down on signing the deeds – would give him till this day – month to consider, and then, whether I had had any answer or not, all should be at an end, and I at liberty as if nothing had ever passed on the subject – but, at last, on his pressing me to give him the refusal, said I would end all that by putting the place up to auction as soon as I could – well! best but if he did not see it advertised might he come again about it – yes! but he might depend upon seeing it advertised as soon as it could –

Out again in the afternoon till 6 1/2 - at which hour a Mrs Saint George came offering drawings to be bought of her in charity – gave her a glass of wine, but declined making any purchases, having other charities more than enough for all I can spare

Dinner at 6 3/4 – coffee – musing in the upper kitchen chamber what to do with it – wrote out last Friday with my aunt from 9 1/2 to 10 50/.. – Kind letter this morning 3 pages and 1/2 page crossed from Miss Walker, Heworth Grange, York – Dr Belcombe might well look grave – his oldest son had taken French leave and spent his Easter holidays at Beverley races – when I met the boy out of monk bar on Saturday who said he was returning from Beverley, I little thought his excursion had been of such bad omen –

Letter also this morning from Mr Cholmeley of Brandsby – ‘Mr Cholmeley has the pleasure of informing Miss Lister that he considers ‘James Clayton to be perfectly honest, sober and trustworthy, that he understands his business as a country footman and was always civil and well behaved – Brandsby April 6th 1834’ –

Very fine day – Fahrenheit 50˚ at midnight – Letter 3 pages and 1/2 dozen lines on the ends from Mariana, Leamington tonight – she had thought and felt me long in writing ‘I attributed your silence to more absorbing interests than those which writing to Mary could give’ had noticed the conclusion of my 2 last letters

very especially yours leaving out the word entirely earnestly prays for my happiness if I have in any way interfered with it I have no less trampled upon my own for I have never loved any but you this you know a wife for eighteen years with nothing but the name your image alone awakened feelings for which otherwise I had no use I love you dearly and fondly, I do love you dearly and fondly and can neither understand nor account for the influence which circumstances in spite of inclination have had over me

‘the mind was less strong than the feelings, and unable to bear its own weight of sorrow too readily yielded to the comfort of having it shared by one whose sympathy I had believed had no other spring than what arose from a kind and affectionate regard’

Unfortunately the confidence which existed between us and which at first were on matters least connected with the heart became from untoward events of deeper interest, yet I am quite satisfied that until that fatal folly at Newton which awakened the pity of all and in myself a mental indignation which so disgusted me with Mr Lawton that it seemed to tear away the last link of anything like patience neither party were aware of anything more than a friendly and brotherly regard. It was the affronting injustice then offered to us both and I tell you honestly my Fred if it had not been for the thought of you and the virtuous feeling of the individual who had shared the insult even stronger principles than Mary’s might have been perilled. My regard for you has been an ever dying security for as the nominal wife of such a man as Mr Lawton I might have been subject to more than the ordinary trials of my sex had it not been for the too fortunate position in which you had placed me I always felt myself your individual property and forgot that others knew not this poor Willoughby sorrowed over the unappreciated wife his regard increased and I now believe his peace of mind might be endangered but yet he never told me so all he now writes is that in leaving home country and friends one hope sustains him and that I may rest assured that the being dearest to his boys will not be forgotten by him I would give much to recall some part of the past but that which is to come is alone within our power to influence, Freddy

‘It is almost difficult not to become a predestinarian – we seem allowed so little choice in what concerns us most – tantalized with an appearance of freedom when in fact we hardly seem to have it god grant that all my be for the better

I am sick, I am sorry my Fred. I could be miserable love me think of me in pity do both yes you have indeed been my friend ‘a friend a steady one’ and you are still the kindly prop which supports me under sorrows which even to me has not taught me to bear with unconcern would that you were with me. Am I not to see you this summer? I am now alone Mr Lawton is gone to Lawton I did expect him back tomorrow but I hardly know whether he comes or not I enjoy my solitude for we have no feeling in common there are few subjects however matter of fact which somehow or other he does not contrive to turn into discord Freddy I cannot touch on indifferent subjects my mind is occupied by that on which I have written I can add on more than that I am still yours affectionately and entirely Mariana –

Miss Cholmley had just come in and begged to be remembered to me – Mariana was going to spend the day with her –

What a letter! We should not have been happy together now this Crewe business even on her own stating is too much I am better without her and rejoice at rather than repent having escaped –

#anne lister #ann walker #mariana lawton #anne lister code breaker #1834

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itisannak · 4 years

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List of prompts

I have put together a list of 467 prompts, which I have divided into 6 categories (Sleep, Angst, Love, 100 ways to say I love you, General, Sexual). You are welcome to request multiple prompts for one story (combine as many as you want). It is very easy to request; first, give me the category, then the number of the prompt(s), the guy you want the story to be with, and the genre of the story (angst, fluff, smut) Example: “From the love category, number 38 with Luke, make it smut.” (Disclaimer: I did not create any of the prompts. I retrieved them from the following tumblrs; rfaimagining, blissfulparket, p0ck3tf0x)

Sleep Prompts (44) 1."The bed is cold without you" 2."I can't sleep, you've been gone too long" 3."Don't be nervous, you can come closer" 4."I'm sorry my bed is so old." 5."My dog...she takes up half the bed, I can kick her off if you w—" "no, I like it" 6."Carry me up to bed?" 7."I've been living off of coffee for two days I deserve to sleep!" 8."Can we at least still sleep in the same bed?" 9."When you sleep, you snore." 10."You look so much softer, so much calmer, I wish you could see yourself as you sleep."

11."I took NyQuil instead of DayQuil on accident and now I'm about to pass out." 12."We could...take a nap together?" 13."Sleeping with you was the best sleep I've gotten in years." 14."I-I miss your arms around me as I slept, I know it's embarrassing but you made me feel safe." 15."You sleep with the stuffed animal I got you?" "Of course" 16."Your pillow smells like lavender" 17."If Heaven was a place on earth it would be you in bed wearing this right now and telling me stories until we pass out." 18."What is that noise?" "I have to listen to ocean sounds to help me sleep" 19."Is it possible to sleep for two days?" 20."I think your hair is cute when you wake up. If only you could see it the way I did."

21."Goodnight love, I'll see you in my dreams." 22."It's strange I always dream of you when you're in my arms...I also don't want it to stop." 23."You're so soft, if I could ever touch the clouds, this is what they'd feel like." 24.waking up to the other counting freckles on their face 25."I know it's embarrassing I still sleep with a Night light" 26."And then I was—oh, goodnight dear." 27."The prince/princess needs their beauty sleep" 28."I have had nightmares every night for the past three weeks and now they're gone because of you, how did you do that?" 29."You smell like vanilla." 30."The sheets are warm!"

31."I got us new pillows." 32."You should see yourself when it's 12am and the moon comes in and hits your face just right, you have a soft natural highlight at the tip of your nose and all your features come out. It's like your skin is working right in front of me." 33."Will you carry me to bed?" 34."One night, just one, I pray we can sleep on our own." 35."This is embarrassing but I had a bad dream and back home when this happens I normally just crawl into bed with my mom or sister but since they're not here anymore can I sleep with you?" 36."Keep talking, your voice helps me sleep." 37."I've spent all my nights dreaming of you in my arms peacefully sleeping and here you are." 38."Stop moving into trying to sleep" 39."It's just a nightmare, it's nothing real." 40."You should sleep in my bed more often."

41."Sorry, were you sleeping?" 42."You nap, I'll stay awake" 43."Are you awake?" 44."I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

Angst: (44) 1."Give me a chance." 2."Not you again..." 3."Leave me alone." 4."I don't love you anymore." 5."Why do you hate me?" 6."I lost the baby." 7."I thought you loved me." 8."I don't need you anymore." 9."I can't believe you!" 10."We can't keep this up forever."

11."You're a monster." 12."I hate you." 13."Don't leave me..." 14." You're a disappointment." 15."Don't die on me– Please." 16."I never meant to hurt you." 17." Are you upset with me?" 18."I wish I'd never met you." 19."I'm going to kill you!" 20." Please don't hurt me like this."

21."Thanks for nothing." 22."Don't call this number again." 23."Why did you spare me?" 24."You need to leave." 25."I'm sick." 26."I'm dying." 27."I wish I'd never met you." 28."I thought we were family!" 29."There was never an us." 30."So that's it? It's over?"

31."I fucked up." 32."I came to say goodbye." 33." He's dead because of you." 34."I don't deserve to be loved." 35." About the baby... It's yours." 36."I...I think I may be pregnant" 37."Am I not good enough for you anymore?" 38."We're not just friends and you fucking know it." 39."I swear, there is nothing going on between us!" 40."You almost fainted."

41."Do you want me to leave?" 42."I swear it won't happen again." 43."You can't die. Please don't die." 44."I'm not good enough for you."

Love: (75) 1."I'm so in love with you." 2."Dance with me!" 3."Isn't this amazing?" 4."I wish we could stay like this forever." 5."Will you marry me?" 6."I'm pregnant." 7."I need a hug." 8."You're special to me." 9."I'm going to keep you safe." 10."Do you trust me?"

11. "Can I kiss you right now?" 12."You're cute when you're angry." 13."I've liked you for a while now." 14." Let's have a baby." 15." We'd make such a cute couple." 16."I want to take care of you." 17."Can we cuddle?" 18."It's lonely here without you." 19."I can't stand the thought of losing you." 20." Shut up and kiss me already."

21."Are you flirting with me?" 22."Is that my shirt?" 23."How did we get here?" 24."You own my heart." 25."You'd be a great dad." 26."You'd be a great mom." 27."I want to protect you." 28."What's the matter?" 29."You're so beautiful." 30."Did you do something different with your hair?"

31. "Is that a new perfume?" 32."Stop being so cute." 33."You're making me blush!" 34."You're teasing me again..." 35."This is why I fell in love with you." 36."You're the best!" 37."They're going to love you, don't worry!" 38."Oh, Are you ticklish?" 39."Of course, I remembered!" 40."You're one hell of a girl."

41. "You're one hell of a guy." 42"Are you jealous?" 43."Hold me and never let me go." 44."Stop hogging all the blankets!" 45."Let's run away together." 46."I love you more than I even realized was possible." 47."We've been married 5 years and you still make my heart race." 48."Will you shut up a moment and let me kiss you." 49."I just wanted to see you." 50."I think I'm in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me."

51."What if I told you I've been in love with you since we were kids." 52."Why can't stop thinking about you? " 53."I've been thinking about you all day." 54."Can't you stay a little longer?" 55."I could hold you forever." 56."You've learned how to dance... For me?" 57."I'm not staring, I'm admiring." 58."You are my sun and moon." 59."What? Can't I just look at you?" 60."I don't ever wanna lose you."

61."I'll drive you home." 62."I left something in your purse." 63."You look pretty tonight." 64."I'm sorry, what? I keep getting lost in your eyes." 65."I've been in love with you my entire life. Ever since the day I first met you." 66"I'm going to take care of you, okay?" 67."I shouldn't be in love with you." 68."I think I've been holding myself from falling in love with you all over again." 69."These stars are nothing compared to the ones I've seen in your eyes." 70."Before I do this, I need you to know that I have always loved you."

71."I am not losing you again!" 72."When I picture myself happy... It's with you." 73."Look, I don't have much time, but I wanted to say I love you." 74."You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me." 75."I adore you."

100 ways to say I love you 1."Pull over. Let me drive for a while." 2."It reminded me of you." 3."No, no, it's my treat." 4."Come here. Let me fix it." 5."I'll walk you home." 6."Have a good day at work." 7."I dreamt about you last night." 8."Take my seat." 9."I saved a piece for you." 10."I'm sorry for your loss."

11."You can have half." 12."Take my jacket, it's cold outside." 13."Sorry I'm late." 14."Can I have this dance?" 15."I made your favorite." 16."It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway." 17."Watch your step." 18."Here, drink this. You'll feel better." 19."Can I hold your hand?" 20."You can borrow mine."

21."You might like this." 22."It's not heavy. I'm stronger than I look." 23."I'll wait." 24."Just because." 25."Look both ways." 26."I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." 27."Try some." 28."Drive safely." 29."Well, what do you want to do?" 30."One more chapter."

31."Don't worry about me." 32."It looks good on you." 33."Close your eyes and hold out your hands." 34."That's okay, I bought two." 35."After you." 36."We'll figure it out." 37."Can I kiss you?" 38."I like your laugh." 39."Don't cry." 40."I made this for you."

41."Go back to sleep." 42."Is this okay?" 43."I picked these for you." 44."I'll drive you to the hospital." 45."What do you want to watch?" 46."You can go first." 47."Did you get my letter?" 48."I'll do it for you." 49."Call me when you get home." 50."I think you're beautiful."

51."Are you sure?" 52."Have fun." 53."Sit down, I'll get it." 54."I made reservations." 55."I don't mind." 56."It brings out your eyes." 57."There is enough room for both of us." 58."You don't have to say anything." 59."Wow." 60."Happy birthday."

61."I'll pick it up after work." 62."It can wait until tomorrow." 63."Cross my heart and hope to die." 64."It's two sugars, right?" 65."I'll help you study." 66."Stay over." 67."I did the dishes." 68."You didn't have to ask." 69."I bought you a ticket." 70."You're warm."

71."No reason." 72."I'll meet you halfway." 73."Take mine." 74."We can share." 75."I was just thinking about you." 76."I want you to have this." 77."Call me if you need anything." 78."Do you want to come too?" 79."I'll still be here when you're ready." 80."Is your seatbelt on?"

81."Sweet dreams." 82."I was in the neighborhood." 83."Stay there. I'm coming to get you." 84."The key is under the mat." 85."It doesn't bother me." 86."You're important too." 87."I saved you a seat." 88."I'll see you later." 89."I noticed." 90."You can tell me anything."

91."I hope you like it." 92."I want you to be happy." 93."I believe in you." 94."You can do it." 95."Good luck." 96."I brought you an umbrella." 97."I'll pick you up at the airport." 98."Take a deep breath." 99."Be careful." 100."I love you."

General: (113) 1."You made me cookies?" 2."You stole what?" 3."A dragon ate your homework?" 4."I am not pregnant." 5."Oh come on you would have murdered that guy." 6."The stars are pretty tonight, aren't they?" 7."Have you ever seen something as cool as this?" 8."I know you love me and all but stop threatening the doctor." 9."I shit you not." 10."My man, I am high as a kite right now. And you are so pretty. And in the morning I'll be sober and you will still be soooo pretty..."

11."You aren't leaving here without telling me who hurt you so I can take out a can of whoop as and unleash it in their ass." 12."You just kissed me." 13."But you hate avocados..." 14."Hold up- just stop- just- what are you actually doing? It's 2 A.M." 15."I wanna travel and fuck you in every city we go to." 16."We're holding hands now." 17."Give me a little more... Just a little more..." 18."I just like proving you wrong." 19."Just pretend to be my date." 20."I'm not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention."

21."You fainted, straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention, you didn't have to go to such extremes." 22."We're in the middle of a thunderstorm and you want to stop and feel the rain?" 23."Catch me if you can!" 24."I'm fine." 25."Are you drunk?" 26."Are you high? " 27."We can't go in there..." 28."Give it back!" 29."Well, this is just great." 30."Don't touch me."

31."Not sure if you could tell, but I'm not exactly a people person." 32."This was fun— Let's do it again sometime!" 33."I didn't do it!" 34."I did it..." 35."I don't remember that!" 36."Well, that's pretty rude of you to say." 37."Get that thing away from me!" 38."You owe me." 39."Do you believe in aliens?" 40."Do you believe in ghosts?"

41."Are you hitting on me?" 42."Why are you naked?" 43."You did what?!" 44."You have... Superpowers?" 45."Why are you bleeding?" 46."Where did all these puppies come from?" 47."Don't make me come over there myself!" 48."That wasn't funny." 49."This tastes horrible." 50."This is delicious!"

51."Are you mad at me?" 52."Stop ignoring me..." 53."I love that show too!" 54."Can I borrow that book of yours?" 55"Let's blow this joint." 56."Let me help you with that." 57."Take that back!" 58."Wanna go see a movie with me?" 59."No way, that's so lame." 60."What are you listening to?"

61."I brought you your coffee." 62."Don't fuck this up." 63."Run!" 64."Let's. run away together." 65."I haven't slept in four days..." 66."Your turn to do the dishes." 67."Was I really that drunk?" 68."Was I really that stoned?" 69."Give me back my phone!" 70."You're an asshole."

71."Are you cold?" 72."This place gives me the creeps." 73."I swear my house is haunted." 74."Did you hear that?" 75."It's just your imagination." 76."Just how stupid do you think I am?" 77."Stop being such a baby." 78."Go back to bed." 79."Are you okay?" 80."I can take care of myself just fine."

81."Thanks for helping me back there." 82."Since when have we ever been friends?" 83."What on earth are you wearing?" 84."I can't feel my legs!" 85."Stop texting me weird stuff so late at night." 86."Put me down!" 87."There's only one bed..." 88."It isn't what it looks like! Okay... Maybe it is..." 89."How did I lose it?" 90."I read your diary."

91."This is awkward." 92."Didn't you read the sign?" 93."Do you think you can teach me that?" 94."Oh, my God, what are you? Five?" 95."Let's fucking dance." 96."Go get your stuff ready." 97."Be good for me while I am gone." 98."Baby, can you help me with some work." 99."All you had to do was ask" 100."Five more minutes"

101."You're stuck with me." 102."If you insist." 103."Your hand is on my ass." 104."You're not going out in that outfit." 105."Since my dog likes you, then I guess I like you." 106."You're staring again." 107."Babe, I'm never gonna finish this work if you keep doing that" 108."Like what you see?" 109."Try to stay quiet, baby..." 110."I like it when you say my name like that."

111."If we get caught I'm blaming you" 112."Looks like I've found your weakness." 113."Say that again."

Sexual: (91) 1."Bite me." -("If you insist") 2."Make me." 3."Fuck me." 4."Stop teasing me so much..." 5."Do you like it when I touch you like that?" 6."Okay.. This is new." 7."Want to head back to my place and have a little fun?" 8."You're in trouble now." 9."What a pretty sight." 10."Bend over."

11."On your knees." 12."The food looks great but... There's something much more delicious I'd like to eat right now." 13."Lay back." 14."Take off your clothes." 15."Well, fine; just this once." 16."I'm waiting." 17."You're so beautiful." 18."As you wish." 19."First one to make a noise loses." 20."You have no idea what you do to me."

21."If you're bored; Wanna have sex?" 22."I've wanted this for so long." 23."Car sex looks so much easier in the movies." 24."Can I touch you?" 25."Open up." 26."No strings attached. " 27."Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you?" 28."Mine." -("Say it again") 29."The nights still young." 30."We cant do that here!"

31."Behave." 32."What did you just say?" 33."Good girl." 34."Good boy." 35."Come here." 36."You are mine. Do you understand me?" 37."You sure want to go there, princess?" 38."Well, I make the rules." 39."Why don't you use that smart mouth of yours for something else?" 40."Go to your/our room and wait for me."

41."Are you trying to get spanked, little girl?" 42."You are mine and just mine." 43."What am I going to do with you?" 44."Good girl." 45."Take your panties off." 46."You are so tight, babygirl." 47."Daddy loves it when you do that." 48."Can I please cum?" 49."I knooooow, it's supposed to hurt." 50."Just say the magic words and you will have all you desire, kitten."

51."Are you done checking me out?" 52."Stop biting that fucking lip, it's so distracting and hot!" 53."God, you're hot." 54."You're so fucking hot when you're mad." 55."I've never wanted anyone to fuck me this badly." 56."Don't make me take you home and punish you." 57."You're more than just a one-night stand." 58."You're not wearing anything under that, are you...?" 59."Are you trying to turn me on right now or are you really just that oblivious?" 60."I will ride you until I break you, you are mine and mine alone."

61."Who said it had to be on the bed?" 62."Open those legs. I want a taste." 63."How bad do you want me to fuck you? Hmm? Beg for it." 64."I can't stop thinking about your hands on me." 65."Fuck, you look so hot with my cock in your mouth." 66."I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one would even notice" 67."Leave the heels on, baby. Just the heels, though." 68."Could he make you feel as good as I do?" 69."Did you just smack my ass?" -"You weren't complaining last night." 70."Take. It. Off."

71."What if someone sees?" 72."I like the way you beg for it...do it again." 73."Quiet, love. You don't want the others to hear you moaning like that, do you?" 74."All this dirty talk is going to get you in trouble." 75."I was bad, Daddy..." 76."Don't bother wearing panties." 77."This is for your eyes only." 78."Teasing me will get you doomed." 79."We're in public, you know." 80."Stop teasing so much" -"Make me."

81."Either take it off, or I will happily do it for you." 82."I don't care what you do just as long as you do me." 83."Were you just touching yourself?" -'Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?' 84."Do you think they could hear us?" -'Yes we can.' 85."We're just...friends." -'Friends don't do this type of shit!' 86."How quickly can you cum?" 87."The only way you are gonna get off is on my thigh." 88."Tell me how you want it." 89."There's no way I'm gonna let you wear that in public" -'Why not?' -"Cause It would be a shame to rip it off in front of a hundred people, such nice material." 90."Shut up." -'Well, why don't you come over here and make me?' 91."Everyone keeps telling me you're the bad guy."

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