confessionsofaromanticidiot

[confessionsofaromanticidiot]

For me this day is very personal, I live everyday with anxiety and acute PSTD.

Is everyday a struggle ? Sometimes.

Do I always have my condition under control? God no..

Am I afraid of doing new things? 80% of the time.

Do I need reassurance ? Always.

Do I get overwhelmed? Yes

Do I get mentally drained? Yes

Is having a panic attack scary? Yes, of course not having any control over your body.. shaking uncontrollably or being paralyzed in a spot of course it's scary.

My last panic attack was last month and prior to that it was 3 and half years ago. What happened something really stupid that if it happened today I definitely wouldn't get in the same state about it.

Was I disappointed with myself? At the time yes because I couldn't stop the attack before it happened which I normally can. I was embarrassed beyond belief and I felt incredibly STUPID..

But reflecting on everything, I had let my routine slip. I wasn't sleeping enough. My excerise wasn't there and I was being unnecessarily hard on myself.

What has this experience taught me, I am still vulnerable that while 98% of the time I don't even think about that side of my life and most people actually are little surprised when I say I have and do suffer with my mental health. Your so out going, your so friendly, you light up a room, your so confident..

But what people don't understand is mental health triggers are different for everyone, you can be fine one day and the next the seed plants itself in your brain. It can happen to anyone at any age..

In my case life experiences triggered mine and in truth I know in my heart of hearts there are still parts of my life I don't remember because my brain is protecting me from the bad that happened but in doing that I also have lost the good memories

People are triggered by stress, death, trauma of any sort. Even some women suffer particularly hard during the week running up to and the week of their period.

What is my advice? Don't suffer in silence 🤐

Get medical help, if required.

Find your routine, it's not one size fits all.

Stop being hard on yourself and always remember you are the sky & your mental illness is a temporary dark cloud in your blue sky

https://www.instagram.com/p/CU3N71Og3RK-FO75pWPZtbgDsclh9--Iq2-32k0/?utm_medium=share_sheet

#mental health #world mental health day

[confessionsofaromanticidiot]

Jimmy Neutron – The best friend

Literally at some point I was going to have to address this wonderful human being that wandered into my life by complete chance some would say or “FAITH” if you believe in that sort of thing. I honestly do not think I do but here we are. He has earned this nickname due to the lockdown hair lol

Ok, it is a bit of an exaggeration buts sort of stuck!

Now, I know I said this was going to be a long list of mistakes for me to poke fun at myself, but this is person that deserves a blog of his own. To be honest, Jimmy pieced me back together in ways, he will never understand and maybe when he reads this (as my proof-reader) he might understand my admiration.

Right so I guess the best thing is to explain how I met Jimmy, it all started just before Lord Voldy and I broke up. I had just recovered from an operation, if you had read Voldy’s blog you will know I was in a terrible way both physically and mentally. I weighed 243lbs (110kg – in freedom units as Jimmy calls them), I was on medication as during this period my mental health had seriously gone to the shitter and was unable to control the panic attacks without them. Yes, it was bad. It wasn’t helped that internally I thought Voldy was cheating on me but when I confronted him about my suspicions, he would just tell me to take my medication. That was the point I really began to question myself to the point, I sat in the doctor’s office and asked for stronger meds because they weren’t working. Hahaha what a fool, I was. But this isn’t his story, this is the backdrop to the sad, broken down women Jimmy met.

Jimmy and I met in my local gym; I had always known exercise as a form of stress relief but at this point in my life I actually was embarrassed going in ☹. Our local gym turned off the lights during a spin class so I had decided right just go to one, you can arrive just as the class started therefore no staring at the hippo in the que. These where actual thoughts going through my head but of course due to my anxiety of being late I arrived way too early this included time to turn around and walk home approximately three times. Yes, I was in a very bad way anyway I eventually made and seen this ridiculous que. I was like “WTF, is up with all these crazy people!” (Little would I realise that less than two years later I would be one of them crazy’s).

So back to the point, how Jimmy became a massive fixture in my life. I was held up in a busy dressing room bathroom literally struggling to breathe. Yes, it happened panic attack in a jammed gym this was pre pandemic too so cast your mind back to how gyms used to be on a workday evening. I finally pieced myself together and wandered into the class I was now late for after being unbelievably early arriving, I always thought that why he picked on me but later I would realise he had regulars that came to his classes, so I was the odd one out. The fresh meat so to speak, so here is me fresh out of a panic attack physically shaking, I looked up from adjusting my bike and there he was in my face. Smartly asking if I needed help, I always thought I came across sort of snappy, but I had barely recovered my breathing never mind talking to someone. The worst class off my life, he was literally Satan recreated as PT so hard or so I thought at the time I actually came to enjoy those classes. I always to this day remember the cocky look on his face as he wandered down to the back of the class “Bet your sorry you came”. My response “Fuck off!” another person would have not come back but Jimmy came back to be told to fuck off another two times after. I just couldn’t let him beat me; I had been beaten by so many people at that stage he was going to get the justification. I always wondered truly what he thought of me after? But I left that class and decided this is my PT and what confirmed it was the 10 min consultation that lasted roughly an hour. That is how our weird and wonderful friendship started and it only got weirder from there.

Some people believe your soul mate is someone you fall in love with and marry but mine in some level is my best friend. I have literally never in my entire life met someone that I have clicked on a human level before and as you can guess when I was exceptionally vulnerable, I did think I liked him as more than a friend or the brother I now see him as, but I do now believe it to be how he made me feel. Which is something he does for everyone; I cannot explain it is just his vibe. I had never had anyone in my life actually go above and beyond for me before and I think I confused those feelings with the sisterly love I now feel. It sounds selfish I know or conceded, the one guy that shows you a little attention after a breakup and you fall in love. Hahaha But it wasn’t that at all, he gave me the marks of how dating someone should be by just being himself & my friend. I can never thank him enough for that! Stupid things, like opening a door for you, buying you coffee (even though that bribery worked both ways!). Not judging you for dancing with a kid in a restaurant but actually laughing & or trying to join in (That kid definitely thought I was cooler). Just embracing the person you are along with every flaw you had.

He once asked me to trust him, when jumping from a ridge in the Wicklow mountains (btw post confused weird ass feelings well and truly in the friend’s zone) and for the first time I looked and someone and thought “He won’t let anything happen to me, jump”. I had never had before truly Jimmy was a shield that pieced a broken girl back together. He would always brush it off and say I did the work but the level of detail even in my plans to this day alone has been beyond what anyone could have ever asked for.

But I in ways, I believe I did the same for him we formed a weird little bond that continues to this day that he knows if he ever needed anything. He could call me, and I would do my best to help him in whatever way I could. Between midnight ways to talk about girls/ boys, ice cream dates for break ups, to minding my drunk ass when I turned up to the gym still drunk after a night out, he has not just my best friend but family and as is his little sister by extension. I am a proud big sister each time she gets a paper published and or when Jimmy got accepted to college that we had mulled over the decision for oh a few months before.

He is the one person in my life that has always made the best out of a bad situation, he taught me to be me and never change for anyone. He is the one person I would choose to be stuck on the side of a mountain with after SOMEBODY lost their car keys (Yes, I did buy him a tile that Christmas for his keys lol). I never had someone to thank for so much in my life before and I do. So THANK YOU!!!!.

For my best friend & weird ass brother from another mother.

[confessionsofaromanticidiot]

Lord Voldemort - The reason why you should never ignore red flags in a relationship!

Disclaimer J.K. Rowling please don’t sue me but yes, we did give my ex the nickname of the evil villain from Harry Potter. Let’s call him Jamie. Jamie had every red flag known to man but me stupidly ignored them all as only a deluded emotionally unstable woman can. Again, I look back on this relationship and wonder a few things:

1.       How the fuck did it last five years?

2.       Why did I put up with so much bullshit?

3.       How did I ignore every red flag thrown in my face?

I guess, even though Jamie was a red flag from day one, it was not always bad. Originally when we first start dating, I was actually the one that asked him out. Mistake number one, actually going on this date with the douche bag but as I said it was not always the horrendous shit show our last year together was. We ended up in a relationship for five years, it could not have been that terrible. He did tell me he loved me first, I said it back, but I didn’t really mean it at the time, but I was absolutely obliterated drunk and it just came out of my mouth.

Lesson number one people: NEVER SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT! I have had since Jamie and I’s break up almost two years ago, had at least two men said they love me, but I was not ready probably for good reason I suppose looking back on it now. (Including an extremely sexy French Doctor but we will come back to that train wreck later).

In five years, I faked nearly every orgasm yes, I know guys we aren’t meant to this, sex was not our strong point. I always was a very sexual person, but this battered my sexual confidence in a tiny box, tied an anchor to it and dumped it off a ship somewhere near the Bermuda triangle never to be seen again or so I thought. But he was kind and sweet, so I just sucked it up. I decided that this was a sacrifice I had to make because every other aspect of our relationship was so blissful (I am laughing as I type this). I kind of saw him as a fixer upper, he had a great job, family where AMAZING but lacked something to this day i cannot put my finger on it. He was never satisfied with anything in his life was always pushing for more or looking to others to see what they where doing in order to compare his life? I guess, I made the age old mistake of thinking I could change him. Also mistake number two, if he was never satisfied with the things in his life, why did I think I would be any different?    

The point of this section is guess is not to bitch about my ex but to teach people not to ignore all the RED FUCKING FLAGS. You will notice I make this mistake over and over in relationships but to a lesser extent (I’ll get there I promise), but I have also learnt from this relationship to cut and run when it feels wrong because guess what? If it feels wrong, it most likely is wrong and you trust your intuition a little more.

So, some examples of Jamie’s glaring RED FLAGS, that I made excuses for

1.       First night he met my best friend, we went to a night club and he hit on another girl in front of us and when I confronted him, he left us there.

2.       Suffered with Anxiety, not saying that this a red flag as I suffer too but he had a dependency on alcohol to get through social events but more often than not got completely obliviated. Which meant some of the things he said or did to me when drunk where forgotten about and therefore ignored or I was told it didn’t happen that he would never do such a thing because he loved me.

3.       I have PCOS (Yes, I know I am barrel of laughs right), at one stage when I was 27, I was told I could not have children (Which also turned out to be a misdiagnoses). I was devastated it was as though part of me died but he ignored and went drinking. Came home locked and woke me up had a massive argument after I had spent the best part of a day crying as though someone died. He did not seem to care.

4.    I was on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I couldn’t really drink but yet dragged me to the pub every time and or was dubbed BORING because I didn’t want to go.

5.  SEX became non-existent (Not that it was that great anyway but.._). Mainly due to the fact he was getting it from somewhere else for the last 7 months of our relationship.

6. Our last valentine day together, he used his brother as excuse to go have a night out with the other me in a hotel. Sidebar Jamie’s brother suffered with mental illness and used the fact that if something was to happen to him on our wedding day (Thank Christ that never happened), I would tell him to help him to go to cheat on me the sick bastard.

7.  Point above continued, the kicker the Friday after I covered his room with tea lights and tried to make it romantic because we missed valentine’s day. He came home drunk (Feel the trend) and had a massive argument with me. Gut punch hadn’t even written my Valentine’s day card three days after the actual day!

8.  When we EVENTUALLY broke up, he compared me to sturdy house, that’s amazing but how do you know you want that house and not the house next door! (Rolling my eyes as I type this)

If I look back on it now, point one with my emotional maturity I would have told him to Fuck right off and never see him again. Right but I was 25, had been cheated on before so was emotionally vulnerable. I was stupid, I left that relationship  with a lack of self confidence and he was cute so I looked past a lot.  As we got older, we changed and became really different people but neither of us recognized it. Well, we did but neither of us wanted to be the bad guy, so it got ignored for another year.

Now, I am not excusing the fact I ignored it too, I should have cut and run on one of the above points not allowing it get to points 6 through 8 and there were others also not mentioned. But when you are in relationship that you are constantly making excuses for people’s behavior, it becomes your default. Never do this, never let something in a relationship become a default behavior. Due to the fact someone’s bad behavior becomes normalized, you begin to believe this is just the way we are but guess what it is not how you are!!

Also, I had my part to play, I am not angel let’s be honest a relationship does not go to shit from one person being a dick head. It takes two Tango! I gave up trying to have sex with him and bought a vibrator. It gave me more orgasms anyway. When I stopped trying bar once or twice, he didn’t even try. He will never admit it, but he stopped being attracted to me physically, to be honest I don’t blame him for it. I was put on two courses of steroids prior to starting the HRT, I got to my heaviest weight and my own mental health started to decline. I would not look in mirror and who wants to be with someone that is constantly jabbing themselves with needles or crying because your jeans don’t fit anymore. Plus, I am not going to sugar coat this in any way I was an absolute CUNT on HRT. Mood swings alone was enough to make some of my family members stay clear never mind anyone else.

Does this excuse in anyway what he did? Of course not, but if I was the person I am today, point one might have given a second chance not to be himself basically and when that eventually happened, I would have left. Now, at one point I was so duped that I had a life planned for us but again as we got older our plans became very drastically different. Personally, my own life experiences made me want different things and I went through a lot of stuff that no person not just a woman should go through in their lifetime. But I matured much quicker even than some of my friends, so we were naturally at odds. 

When we eventually broke up again it never really was a final argument either, I just knew I never wanted to see him ever. I realized that I cried once and it was more out of anger that he had used his depressed brother as an excuse to cheat on me. That was all that annoyed me about the entire thing, when I finally removed myself from the situation, I felt like I could breathe again. 

Learning out comes, never ignore red flags, or try to identify them enough in the relationship which can be hard to do because of the honeymoon phase. Never make excuse for someone’s bad behaviors, let them live with the consequences. Be the bad guy, if you are not feeling a relationship anymore, for god sake leave before someone gets hurt. To be honest, Jamie gifted me a get out of jail card by cheating on me to leave without acknowledging part of the fault it was all on him. But no, I gave up too the cheating was just the golden ticket I needed to get out of a toxic relationship. Never allow your emotions to be manipulated, in the manner I did it took a very long time after this relationship for me to actually fully and wholly trust a man with my heart. 

It’s sad really, that it came to this. If one of us had of been braver there would not have been so much damage not caused at all. But I guess my experience and reflection has brought me to you, my only hope is by documenting my mistakes, some of you may not go down the same path.

#relationship #emotional health #maturity #loveyourself #emotional growth #healthy relationships