#so i guess I'll just suffer

[seawitchkaraoke]

I'm always like "okay but what if character A who is deeply loyal to character B betrayed character B for some reason that is in character and really bad but also not bad enough to be unforgivable and then B found out and A was really sorry and B is angry but eventually forgives A" and then I can never think of a thing that it would actually make sense for A to betray B over and also I can't find any fanfic that gives me what I want bc either no one else even considers it a possibility that A would betray B or either A or B is actually dead in canon and the fix it fics focus on yknow, how they survived or bc the fanfics are all shippy and I'm like "no I don't mean betray as in cheat on I mean betray as in assassination attempt"

Except not an assassination attempt bc A would never want B dead so it has to be some convoluted "I joined the ppl who want to kill you so I could stop them from the inside and didn't tell you about it for some reason so it now really looks like I tried to kill you" kinda thing

#like. it has to be genuine betrayal yknow #i like a character angsting over having done smth horrible that was not actually horrible too that's also fun #but just smth about them being forgiven when they really did horribly hurt the other person yknow #anyway currently wanting this for boromir and aragorn #except yknow. boromir do be dead so... #not a lot of fourth age fanfics with him in it around #I'd attempt to write it myself but again l... cannot think of a scenario that actually makes sense #so i guess I'll just suffer

[lettuce-gremlin]

Medicine expensive :(

#was gonna get something to help with my congestion but it's kinda pricey #so i guess I'll just suffer #and if it's still bad by... monday I'll look at picking something up again #i just got a gig that will pay me $200 for this weekend #and then i get paid this week #so i can make it work

[beechersnope]

tried to ride my new bike for the first time & the front tire is flat 🥲

#i don't have a pump & i don't feel like going to the store to get one at 7pm #so i guess i'll just suffer

[dollypopup]

I think it's interesting to look at the 'Mr. Bridgerton' scene as a backdrop for the eventual mirror scene. Firstly, in the fact that I think we've kind of misinterpreted it.

So many people are of the mind that scene's purpose to 'drag' Colin, but really, that scene has 3 primary functions. The first is to inform Colin that Penelope is aware of what he said of her, thus opening the door to clearing the air between them and providing an avenue for which Colin can apologize. The second is to establish the ground that they are currently on: Penelope has given up on the dream of Colin Bridgerton, in particular the perfect prince that can do no wrong, and has made it clear to him. It also creates distance between them that they will bridge.

But the third, and to me the most wrapped up in the mirror and the inner workings of their relationship is that it reveals how Penelope feels about *herself*. It's not necessarily an echo of what the ton considers her as, after all, we have a lot of evidence indicating that, for all intents and purpose, people aren't *unkind* about her, but rather that they ignore her. Audience members recognize this as Penelope's own shyness being the cause, she is often sitting off on the sidelines or not really talking to much of anyone, in the books she's referred to as the 'one who doesn't speak', and her LW business takes her away from being a character in the action of the ton to a bystander, kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts that perpetuates itself. Pen felt unseen so she became LW to have some power, but then LW herself must remain unseen and Penelope continues to be by design of her own making.

No, I think what it really reveals is that Penelope has incredibly low personal self esteem. We as a fandom has lauded that scene as her dragging Colin, saying that he's cruel and calling him Mr. Bridgerton is absolutely meant to create distance between them, but I don't think she's dragging him.

Because the person she is *actually* dragging here. . .is herself. And it is a general theme in her life. In Whistledown. Aloud. Even with Marina, when she complimented her, she assumes that she's lying. When Edwina says she's wearing a pretty dress, Penelope puts herself down and doesn't believe her, even when the compliment is genuine. In truth, Portia is not seen as being particularly unkind to Penelope. At least, speaking as someone who's mum was *awful* about my size and weight and outfits, Portia is. . .overall rather mild. She's not KIND and loving, not by a long shot, but she's also not targeting Penelope only. She's plenty mean and critical to Prudence, too, even to the point where she foists her off to her own cousin as a pawn piece. Penelope has low self esteem because of a lot of reasons, she's bullied by Cressida (I think a lot of girls are, she was pretty mean even to Daphne in S1) and her family isn't very tender to her, and she's not being pursued at every turn, but part of it is also her own perpetuation.

Listen to what she says "Of course you would never court me" "I embarrass you" "I am the laughingstock of the the ton". She sees *herself* as an embarrassment. She puts *herself* down. Arguably, more so than the ton does. She's meaner to herself than anyone else is, aside from Cressida. And honestly? Looking at Colin's face there. . .he is HURT that she considers herself this way. That she's projecting that onto him. Yes, he's hurt that he hurt her, of course he is, he never wants to hurt her. And yes, he's ashamed that he said he wouldn't court her the way he did and that in doing so, he validated her fears that she is unloved and unwanted, but also because. . .she already feels that way about herself. She's felt that way for years. And it's painful to care about someone, to see them as wonderful, and realize. . .they don't feel the same about themselves at all. I don't think Colin is out here feeling so wounded over the fact that she called him cruel and won't refer to him by first name anymore, but that he's most hurt by what she says about herself.

Because he *doesn't* see her the way she accuses. She says she never expected him of all people to be so cruel, but he feels the same way. He never expected her to be so cruel to *herself*. He wants to go somewhere private, not because she is an embarrassment, but because he wants to have a private conversation with her. Maybe assure her. Maybe explain himself. Maybe hash it out. But god Luke Newton's acting. . .he is *aching* for her. And it feels like he's going to do those lessons not in atonement for what he said (thank god) but to genuinely help his friend who thinks badly of herself. To lift her up. It's not about him at all, not about earning forgiveness, but about elevating Penelope. And that's. . .fuck, I just find that's just so heart stoppingly beautiful.

You can see, in that scene, how much he cares about her. How deeply and genuinely he adores her as a person. And just how painful it is for him to know he has validated, whether on purpose or otherwise, how poorly she feels about herself. How low her self-confidence really is. She is giving him a glimpse into the cracks of her heart, and when he sees them, he wants to reach out with both hands and make it feel better. Make her feel better.

After she says 'even when I change my entire wardrobe', he looks so fucking crushed. So 'don't say that'. So 'you really believe that?'. So 'God, I hate that you think that way'.

Because regardless of it all, he does love her. It's not romantic yet. It's not sexual yet. But he genuinely, truly, from the bottom of his heart, thinks she's wonderful. That was evident even in the 'purpose' scene. Every time Penelope opens up and reveals a facet of herself, he likes it. He likes her barbs and her dreams, he likes talking to her. He likes her. And he feels awful that he hurt her. And he feels awful that she's hurting herself. He loves her. He wants her to love herself.

And that's where the mirror scene comes in. Because the mirror scene isn't about sex, not really. Not entirely, at least. The mirror scene is about *intimacy*. The mirror scene is about being seen. Not just her seeing him, or him seeing her, but for Penelope to see *herself*. In a way, through his eyes. Because hers are biased rather negatively toward herself, which is evidenced in the 'Goodnight Mr. Bridgerton' scene, and in so many little moments we've already gotten where she's literally looking down on herself, feeling down. She doesn't necessarily *like* what's in the mirror, but he does. Because he likes *her*. And he wants to show her that he does. Show her that he finds her beautiful and have her recognize that in herself.

The 'Goodnight Mr. Bridgerton' scene is about Penelope revealing how she sees herself. The mirror scene is about Colin showing her how *he* sees her. The Goodnight scene is about Penelope thinking she means nothing to him, that he thinks of her the way she thinks of herself, that this is how everyone thinks of her, and the mirror scene is a direct response to that: No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't think she's embarrassing. No, he doesn't think she's a laughingstock. No, he doesn't think she's unappealing. And he doesn't think she should, either.

And he's going to show her that. Not just tell her, but show her. The mirror scene is so often a focus on Penelope, so much of Polin is in Penelope's focus, but approaching it from Colin's perspective and his motivations is so fulfilling, too. It's a glimpse into them in conversation, and a demonstrate of how Colin loves her. How Colin loves in general, openly and earnestly and altruistically. How he encourages her to be braver and more confident in herself, bolstering her because he just likes her *that much*. How he finds the most fulfillment and satisfaction in caring aloud. The mirror scene is a demonstration of his heart in reflection.

When Luke Newton said the first word that came to mind with the word 'Mirror' was 'Exposed', he doesn't just mean physically. He means emotionally, too.

God this couple is so fucking good.

#polin #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #Bridgerton #i love them #but honestly? i think i read too deeply into them #this is the only post about them i'll keep up #but after everything i've seen in this fandom and the promos and the synopsis- i don't think these two are friends #and i think i have given them more nuance and depth than they actually will get #and so i guess they're my dream #this version of them #the version of them that loves each other deeply and sees one another and has tenderness for each other #but everyone else in the fandom was right- we won't get this #we will get penelope needing external validation through the ton's opinion and we won't get colin being a full character #we will get a story based on suffering and holding scorecards against each other #we will get groveling and cold shoulders and drama in place of real growth #i suppose it's just sad for me #because i read so much of what i've thought of these two and i *see* the love i have for them #but bton and this fandom don't have that same love #so i have to let go of that dream #and that's for the best #but as a memento: have this #i've written a lot of love letters to this pairing- consider this one of them

[journey-to-the-attic]

(有点晚的) 新年快乐!

happy (a little belated) lunar new year!! sorry i haven't been answering asks, been a busy week - i'll try to get to that tomorrow ^^

#it was originally just diavolo and ik but i added mephistopheles bc it felt kinda empty #and also because we were making fun of him on discord the other night and i felt bad #art #obey me #jtta ik #obey me diavolo #obey me mephistopheles #oh yeah the Stupid Trio + belphie in the back were last-minute addition but i'm so glad i decided to #by Stupid Trio i mean they're the ones who cause problems #mammon and levi do it by accident and asmo does it knowingly but without processing the consequences #this is what sets them apart from belphie and satan who also cause problems #but usually on purpose and with significant planning (satan) or being fully aware of the aftermath and not caring (belphie) #speaking of i guess i'll tag them as well #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me asmodeus #obey me belphegor #btw beel also causes problems by accident but like not in a blatantly Stupid way #and lucifer is usually the Problem Sufferer #but will on occasion cause problems for fun

[blushinggoku]

Been trying to read some goku x reader fanfics (because I love him and cringe culture is dead) but there's soo few out there it's insane. I'm disappointed in this fandom for not loving goku more

#listen I understand he's married but that's what AUs are for #also there's way more vegeta x reader fics out there than there are ones with goku and that's a crime #he's the MAIN CHARACTER ffs!! #vegeta is written better and has a well written story arc that is true #but still #I guess this is the only way he could beat goku huh #this is should probably be a case of “if you want someone done right you have to do it yourself”/ #“you want this foc so bad make it yourself” #however A) I'd get too flustered writing goku x reader fics. #B)I'm already busy writing some stories for other fandoms that take all of my time #and C) I'd be afraid to make any of dbz's characters OOC (I need them to be accurate for my peace of mind or I'll cry) #so I will just suffer knowing there is not much of the fics I want out there #I have read a couple of good ones. but I'd only recommend like 2 of them #btw I gotta ask how tf is this possible. dragon ball has existed for 40 years and there's barely any selfshipping fics wtf #again especially pertaining the main fuckinh character. it baffles me. boggles my mind. makes me sob #star scrambles #goku

[lunarharp]

scribbly first date type affair (continuation of my modern au stuff)

#witch hat tag #orufrey #idk when the next modern au thing will be so i'll just post this by itself. hehe #that art was one of qifrey's first drawings. it was of a creepy eye. (it was around the time he got glasses as a kid) #(and was told that he might lose his sight completely one day so he became an emo because he already wanted to be an artist #like beldaruit who ran his foster home where he encouraged kids to draw art to express their feelings.) #and an insidious deviantart group called The Brimhats idk stole it & reposted it. he never got to the bottom of who exactly did it. #but one day. they will fucking suffer. #(he believes their goal was to develop AI art as they said stuff like 'all art should belong to everyone anyway' & 'there shouldnt be rules' #but actually they were probably just regular mean ppl who have moved on to new things in life than stealing kids' art on deviantart. #who knows though.) i want people to retain their disabilities or general tragedies like beldaruit would be in a wheelchair #and coco's mum is in a coma. but its just so funny if qifrey just has regular bad eyesight #and it's so cute that he would say he doesnt think of beldaruit as a dad & is distant with him but now basically runs a foster home too #where he doesnt just encourage like he was encouraged but actively teaches kids from sad backgrounds to become wonderful artists one day #anyway i am so fucking hungry now goodbye #P.S. BELDARUIT IS NOT OLD !!!!!!! i mean if qifrey is late 20s or older in canon like i want... i guess he..but.... NO !!!!!! 😭 #*edits in some follow-up drawings* #oru: i couldn't c-c-confess my feelings bc it always seems like he's worried about something..i shouldnt bother him.. #qif: *always worried about how to confess his feelings* #ive decided meeting at 7 on da is kind of ridiculous actually. i think they probably meet at like age 10 in canon..not immediately =_= #since beru-sama is like 'he finally found a friend'. whatever... this'll be my last art post for a while probably so see ya <3

[poore-choice-of-words]

The Heroes' Guild is down

I know that I don't post about it that often, but for those of you who care, my web serial, with over 200,000 words of my original fiction, has become inaccessible for all. So if you were planning to read my shit, you can't.

And now that my routine's fucked, I'm definitely not winning Camp NaNo this year.

And we were heading for some turning points too.

#I'm having a bad time #in case you haven't guessed #If worse comes to worse and the site unrecoverable #I do still have the original documents with everything #so I can reupload #but for now I am just suffering #apologies in advance to my D&D group because I will be dealing with anger in the chat tonight #but I'll try not to take too much of it out on y'all

[tcmmykinard]

why is unfollowing people so freaking scary and anxiety inducing :(

#there's been so much negativity today and i just wanna enjoy this shit #kinda why i'm just being silent and not reblogging a lot it's bringing me tf down #but also........the anxiety of unfollowing... guess i'll suffer lmao #personal

[hissterical-nyaan]

.

#don't you love it when you come home during festivals hoping to feel happy and get stress relief from college #but it ends up being more horrible and triggering than even college #cause your family just openly bitches about you and judges you while you're within earshot #repeating all the bad shit that you tell yourself when you're alone #confirming your fears of being the most horrible and inconsiderate person on earth #i feel exactly like I felt some 4-5yrs ago #sobbing on my bathroom floor trying to not harm myself further #it's a lost cause #i will never have a family who will understand #and now guess what I'm so exhausting that telling all this to my friends seems horrible too #there is only one way I'll ever be happy and god I hope its soon #I'm done with healing and trying to make people understand how much I suffer everyday #vent #I'm sorry I have no where else to go #delete later

[calumsash]

Caught up in heaven but your heaven ain't the same

But I've never been a saint, have I?

#alright last one here we have fallen angels cashton TAKE 2!!! #if anyone remembers my old mb with this fic concept this one's for u #this is just like. another take on that. i just wanted to make something for it again. maybe a little darker. #trying to decide if this is just before calum gets banished from heaven or if this is after they both reconnect on earth #both options are good but maybe I'll go with the first one. a little backstory i guess #the way calum keeps crumbling and just can't keep doing this anymore. he can't keep quiet as people are suffering down there #and ashton understand. he does. but he's so scared of what they will do to them. he can't loose him. #guess what tho? he does. no matter how much he tried to talk calum out of it he just couldn't stop him. do he lost him just like that. #isn't that depressing? im sad now #god I'll never write this fic but i sure want it #5sos #cashton #5sos moodboard #aesthetic moodboard #halloweensos

[piplupod]

calculating how much crocheting i have to do before christmas and it slowly but steadily dawns on me how fucked i am

#MY HANDS... MY HANDS ARE GOING TO BE RUINED.... #I've got a callous again on one finger from crocheting my own scarf this past week fjfkdl #im only halfway done it... AUGH #im going to perish dhdkdl this was a terrible idea on my part #oh god i still have to figure out how to make napkin holders for my mum. oh noooo fjfkdl I'm doomed #alright time to get up out of bed and have food and then... start the crocheting i guess fjdksl #my own scarf will have to wait a while sbdhdkdl I'll just suffer thru the cold outside until i get thru a couple gift projects #THIS WAS SO FOOLISH. FOOLISH ENDEAVOUR. DOOMED ENDEAVOUR. AAAUUGGHHH #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[gxlden-angels]

I have a lot of religious guilt around being angry, especially being angry at someone, and it's so funny talking about it with my therapist because I'll admit something like "I feel like Im in a constant low level state of resentment" or that Im thinking something slightly harsh about a person and my therapist will be sitting in his seat like

#I had a therapy rupture with him a few months ago and apparently Im not all that great at hiding extreme anger he just didn't say anything #cause we were working thru it #and now Im like 'well shit Im like sitting over here telepathically blowing u up with my mind so I guess that makes sense' #Cause Im still stuck in the 'thought life' mindset of my thoughts affecting other people besides me #and I'll get self destructive in a 'well if I self destruct you HAVE to help me then' #type of way that I know is unhealthy but I don't usually act on it. it's more just the impulse/urge #but it all stems from the idea that suffering is holy somehow #and if I suffer enough then I'll get somewhere #basically a speed run to empathy cause I didn't get care otherwise because I just needed to pray more or whatever #and now I'm learning to just let my emotions pass thru #hopefully not like diarrhea but unfortunately constipation can cause diarrhea #so ig I'll figure out my anger soon and how to let it just pass thru #its just so funny watching him get excited about me being openly angry cause that's progress #me: 'biting and biting and biting and biting and biting' #therapist: 'this is good. this is progress great job <3' #ex christian #religious trauma

[quatregats]

Hmmm perhaps it is time to do something about the fact that I am still not registered for courses because the one that I had set my heart and soul on conflicts with one of my required classes and that was so upsetting to me that I haven't looked at the course registration page since November :')

#'sir have you tried having normal emotional responses—' NO I HAVE NOT THANK YOU #i want my class on rural spain with the cool professor who was involved with the 15M and who i made a complete fool of myself to #it's vital for my thesis i need to be in that class what if i sat in a corner and cried about it #i'm only just now realizing that i could probably have emailed him about this dilemma #but now we're like a week out from the beginning of the semester so idk man i guess i'll just Suffer #perce rambles

[bravevolunteer]

sometimes i just. remember that scene in the movie where mike is beating some guy up in a fountain..... whatcha doing there bud

#I JUST. I REMBER #IN the fountain is wild actually let him breathe man 💀 #very >:) over them reinforcing my thoughts on his impulsive fighting AND the fact that he can hold his own and win #(as much as i make him suffer lmao) like. yeah that man's fucked up enough to punch someone while on the clock #i just . What Happened. i have a few guesses he is so traumatized it tracks but . WELL! #anyway hi i've spent all my time this weekend catching up w/ friends and classes start tmrw so !! i'll be around more ooc at least #once i get into a more regular schedule #⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc #fnaf movie spoilers

[sack-thing]

Nooo I was innocently cleaning chapter 3 when I came with a new idea for how the events could go a bit differently during chapters 3 to 5 buuut it would be... idk, it's not necessary, it just gives more action/drama/suspense and also it might add too much spotlight on Ramsey? but I want to keep the focus somewhat even* between the characters and also I like how things are already, even if softer?

aaaaaaah

edit: *not even in those specific chapters since chapter 5 definitely focuses only on a few of them. but I mean overall. somewhat. I know it's not the case but i don't wanna make the gaps bigger.

#random thoughts #idk i'll just think about it for fun i guess #i want to make my characters suffer a bit more #but if it's just for the sake of it it'll feel bland probably #in the end they'll still learn the same information that'll lead to the next step so #idk i feel it's hard to judge when it's relevant to make necessary steps of the story more lively or not