#so i can't stop thinking about work bc i haven't responded yet and i feel shitty about it

[saudadite]

Same anon. Yes, you're completely right that transphobia and transmisogyny never stopped being mainstream, but within certain circles they were not acceptable. And yet within those same circles, harassment of people who are usually vulnerable queer people for having '"bad kinks" has become commonplace. I've lost count of the number of times I've gone to the blog of some person advocating death for supporters of "bad" kinks and it turned out to be some trans kid. (Not implying any statistical statement with this, just saying it's not rare.)

There's also something to be said about how much cyberstalking and suicide-baiting have become normalized compared to, say, ten years ago (including as casual comebacks, hell, I think I found your blog through a follower of a follower of a couple ML bloggers who think nothing of casually saying shit like "kill yourself if you do this/think like this" to posts they hate alongside their thoughtful, incisive critiques of imperialism. ). It's not a coincidence, and everyone I see criticize this gets dismissed as a spineless liberal who can't handle discourse.

I haven't seen enough of your posts and opinions to try to make a concrete point with this, I'm only responding to that one post in isolation. But what I'm trying to say is, you seem to be presenting this first and foremost as Yet Another Form Of Transmisogyny and it feels like part of a much wider harmful trend that "only" disproportionately targets trans women because that's kinda what happens with toxic and dangerous movements, they amplify the effects of existing biases, so people who are already targets get hit much harder. But the dangerous movement itself is much bigger than that, and it feels dangerous to ignore that. If I misrepresented your position, I'm sorry, like I said, I'm only judging it based on the one post.

i cannot stress enough how little i actually Know things like i really cant speak on transmisogyny definitively bc its not my lived experience, my original post wasnt meant to be like a Comprehensive Accounting of the Nuances of Transmisogyny yknow it was just something i posted bc i was annoyed and expected to get like 3 notes max. also i really cant speak for how attitudes around cyberstalking and suicide baiting have changed over the years bc like 10 yearsago i was a kid whos existence on the internet comprised of watching youtube music videos and playing moshi monsters, i didnt even really start using the internet a lot until like 3 years ago so.

that being said my perspective would be that i dont think you can neatly parcel away transmisogyny as some sort of semi-incidental consequence of a nebulous larger "dangerous movement". lets name it- this larger dangerous movement is carceral, cisheteronormative, puritanical ideology. this is harmful to everyone who lives in a christian, patriarchal, white supremacist society, yes, and one of the most virulent expressions of it is thru transmisogyny. to address transmisogyny from a transfeminist viewpoint then isnt to 'ignore' this movement but to actively work on combating + dismantling it. i also shouldnt need to mention that no not every conversation about transmisogyny should contain a discussion about how transmisogyny exempt people are affected.

#ask

[cakesexuality]

2 months on Lupron update

Had my first Lupron shot on September 15, that one was the 4-week dose

Had my second Lupron shot on October 17, that one is the 12-week dose

But no, no, my body can't do anything normal

Near the end of August, I started developing an ear problem, so I talked to 2 doctors from an over-the-phone, walk-in service, each said it sounded like a bacterial infection and each prescribed a round of oral antibiotics, which immediately stopped working the day after finishing them both

October 23 (6 days after Lupron dose increase), I wake up with a sore throat, stuffy nose, dry cough, and mild fever, which feels connected to my ear problems from August and September, so I talk to another doctor who says it was probably never a bacterial infection at all and was likely allergies or maybe even a virus, so he prescribes Omnaris and recommends taking Advil for the swelling, Tylenol for the pain and fever, and Reactine for the whole thing overall

I stock up on my silly little vegan ice creams bc my throat fucking hurts, man

The fever was only there for the first couple days and I sometimes randomly run a low-grade fever anyway, so whatever

After a few days, my throat and nose feel better, but now I've broken out in hives on my hands, feet, knees, and elbows and my dry cough has turned into a wet cough with a heavy feeling in my chest

So I call my nurse practitioner who prescribes Bricanyl and Alvesco

The hives aren't itchy or painful and I know from past experience that they don't really respond to treatment anyway, so we leave them to clear on their own

Now my lungs are better and the hives are gone but my right eye is flaring (pressure, pain, light sensitivity, irritation, blurring, nausea, etc.) and whatever's wrong with it might be spreading to the left one, so I called my ophthalmologist's office on November 18 and they said to watch it over the weekend, go to the ER if it gets bad, and call again on Monday if it's still acting up then

My eyes are getting a little bit better again, but I stocked up on liquids (juice, iced tea, chocolate milk, and Ensure) and shortbread (sometimes the only solid I can eat when my eye is flaring) while grocery shopping today just in case

And the whole first 2 or 3 weeks of this, my injection site keeps mildly hurting on and off, as if I've just had a fresh injection that day

So either I was having an immune issue made worse by Lupron, or it's coincidence that it happened so soon after the dose increase

Still trying to contact my gynecologist to see what she thinks about all this, but it's a two-woman show over there so it's easy for things to get lost or forgotten and I haven't heard back yet

And that's what you missed on Glee

[alyaandthebrain]

Love in the brain of me

so this is my first post. I haven't really written anything in awhile, especially not something about me.

I want to vent about love when dealing with BPD. I feel like I have no one to talk about it with. I experience love in such an extreme way. my mood changes depending on if this person is responding. (I'm gonna call the person I currently like 'M') M struggles with depression so can sometimes be distant and its like my brain takes that as a personal attack. my brain immediately spirals into a 'he hates me' direction or that he found someone better than me. every second he doesn't respond another thought of how he's with someone or is playing me enters my mind. I think these insane things like how if he's with another girl id light his car on fire or dumb shit like that. rationally I know I can't do that and if he hurts me then he hurts me but god I will do anything and everything in my power to stop it and keep him. I think of him literally every second but not in a cute way. in an I'm obsessed and am getting more and more possessive by the day. I don't know how to stop it or like him in a normal way. I've cried because he hasn't responded and my brain has decided he will never speak to me again when in reality he's just relaxing after work. I read so far into every single message and reread them all the time. I cannot accept what's on the surface there has to be more there has to be some betrayal; at the same time thought my delusions run the show. my brain creates these hyper realistic daydreams about us and I just want it. I want to be trusting and kind and patient but god my fuse is so short. I really have tried to hide my insanity from him but god I feel like I'm holding my breath underwater. I feel so insecure all the time because we don't have a label and I just know he's talking to other girls and it just isn't fair. it isn't right that they get to talk to him. fuck it sends me into a rage everytime I think about another girl kissing him or talking to him or being called pretty by him. I literally threw up the other day thinking about another girl getting to touch him. I feel like if I'm this bad now I shouldn't enter any form of relationship but at the same time I don't want to live my life with this form of fear. I haven't seen him irl in two weeks bc of his depression making him peopled out and while I believe him I also don't. my brain immediately goes to he's lying he's lying he's lying. It thinks he's using this time to see other girls and that he can see how far off my hinges I am and won't tell me. he says he misses me a lot and does cute things but its so hard to believe that someone could possibly like me for being me. I feel so fucking annoying and clingy for telling him I miss him so much but id die for him. id do anything for him all he has to do is ask. it feels like my world is fucking falling apart when he's busy and like the apocalypse is around the corner when he doesn't compliment me. I also hate mirroring because my mirror seems to be zoomed in. if he's sad about something I'm devastated about it; if he's happy I'm over the fucking moon. I feel his emotions to an extreme. it kind of reminds me of that scene in midsommer where they cry with dani. god writing this out feels good but so shameful. I know how I think is unhealthy and I need to watch my behaviours. I have been doing well actually. I haven't freaked the fuck out on this one yet! I've remained patient and calm. at least in front of him I am. I have a journal filled with raging thoughts that I plan to burn. I also have had FaceTime calls with friends last entire nights of me freaking out and them trying to help me. I sometimes feel like I cannot live without feeling love. I think that's why I'm so willing to risk getting hurt again but I don't have a choice. my brain makes the choices but it doesn't consult me or anyone first. it just picks someone and says this person is now your person and you will feel such strong love and adoration for them until you don't. until you only feel hatred and spite and vengeful towards them or you feel nothing at all towards them. it feels good to write this all out.

#bpd life #bpd #bpd relationships #bpd rant #bpd vent

[disdaidal]

Had a debate with my stepdad which turned into a fight.

It started with politics and turned into an Ukrainian war. We'd both had some alcohol, so obviously not the best topics out there - not that it would've changed anything because he's always right and has trouble putting himself in another person's shoes.

He kept bringing up every once in a while that I'm a 30+ woman (with no proper education and not much work experience bc I had troubles in my twenties), and I put up with that and kept ignoring that while actively debating him with my mom who was also getting visibly pissed off by some of his arguments.

Then the topic turned into war and our debate got really heated and he brought up my age again and that "i fall in between" (i don't know what you call it in english but it's like falling into a hole in society and not having a place of your own) and that I wouldn't understand (that one controversial topic we argued about) because my opinion was so drastically different from his. So I finally got irritated and told him that he thinks like a businessman (he does, he always talks that way) and therefore he wouldn't understand because it's all numbers and benefits to him. Then he started laughing and asked me why I got so pissy all of a sudden, did he struck a nerve or something and that I can't take criticism. I responded that apparently so can't you, and he claimed it was all just a conversation (it was until it wasn't anymore) and all he said was true. That I'm thirty plus and that it's great that I'm trying and he supports it (but the time is ticking you know). And I responded that I fucking know that, no need to remind me constantly.

So I finally walked outside and sat on the stairs and cried alone for about five minutes because sometimes I really wonder why I even try. My mom came outside after a awhile and what she said to me was that "there's no point arguing with him", "you know how he is, blunt and unable to put himself in another person's shoes" and that "he means good". I told her it doesn't mean he's right though and she kinda agreed, and then I told her that none of you understand how I feel for almost 24/7 now, of course it fucking hurts because I think that way too - that I'm a fucking loser at this age and I have no future. That despite of feeling like absolute shit, I still haven't thought of suicide yet which would've been my first thought not too many years ago, because I'd like to think I still matter, and I don't want to talk about it because I don't want her to worry. I fucking try okay? I fucking try.

She kept saying she's proud of me and stuff and that I've come far. And that I need to put my skills into good use (I don't know what those are, I'm pretty fucking mediocre in everything but okay), but I guess that's something.

Then when we were back inside she started saying that our debate went well until I got upset about his comment about my situation, and that my comments about society and economics were my just point of view (i repeat what i've learned from school ma'am) and that I shouldn't worry about his comments too much (it'll go over, i said. we're just not gonna apologize to each other and pretend this never happened. because that's what we do in this house. but this i did not say)

And you know,I might've forgot about it and just gone to sleep but I heard them arguing about something almost for 45min (they stopped 15min ago and it's 3:13am so clearly he was still upset too).

But you know, it's just me overreacting again right...

#personal #i'm sorry but i have feelings too #and this is always how it goes #he's right. i'm wrong. my mom more or less defends him no matter what #and no one apologises or admits their faults ever #i really tried to see his side. he refused to see mine #and i'm the one getting pissy and upset #okay then

[lesbiancarat]

Haha its fine! Im book anon for a reason so take all the time you need! Before I start, I wanna apologize for the possible asks you got about the merch and hybe in general. I didn't intend to cause stress and need to be careful bdjahdsj so slap me with a fish!

Onto the ask! But agreed, I mean before the big kpop boom we saw, this was very common. Build a decent fanbase and then move to Japan or China. (Of course sometimes you see INSTANT movement in other countries but that depends on the company and such but you know what I mean) but since we do have the more global kpop era, we may see more companies do America which isn't a bad thing. It makes sense buisness wise so they will jump on it after debut or something. Thus I don't see it a bad thing for kpop groups to promote in America because hey, if in Korea they do sell western artist music who also tour there, kpop groups can also do the same ya know?

Now onto the hybe comment, I will try not to speak too much on it so I will try to summarize. I think my theory is due with merch from their main artist, they think maybe it could work with svt which maybe could but svt has a different fanbase so throwing on random merch won't make fans really want to buy (not saying some won't which kudos to you! As a fan you are allowed to consume what you please except not be a bad apple about it) so thus like the infamous water bottles which was done for bts, they thought why not do it for svt because bts fans sold it out apparently for a 2nd wave of it being sold again. (Which to this day idk why someone in the hybe team thought this was smart. Like...this is just in bad taste imo) I do wanna agree that it appears that hybe doesn't seem to have a proper art team for svt because while sometimes wild, I do know for their main artist they do have thoughtful merch based around say an album concept I recall. Kf course they will make mistakes i.e. the water bottles. I do wish it can improve because even though it is capitalism, I think fans do want decent merch. We have seen interesting ideas like svt making their own magazine and selling it lol. Of course it is hard to please because some fans want subtle merch ideas while others don't mind the vibrant pastel colors we got or some want wild ideas like svt figurines or something. Overall I hope I didn't drag this too much as I just wanted to respond back to you, I agree with many points you said so yeah cx I say let's also wait as this is barely what, a year or even less of svt being under hybe properly. Especially when hybe had its rebranding and expanding so things are being changed, I know fans are worried about this which is valid but let's not panic just yet. Let's come back in a year to this and see what has improved and what hasn't. (OK but peldis sold the boys rings!? :o since when!? I haven't heard of this actually, when did this happen if I may ask?)

Oof yeah sadly with streaming, many view "oh you don't stream it means you aren't a fan" when isn't the case (which is why I personally don't like when certain companies also do "listening parties" which seems a bit ???) I do remember this popped up big in 2017 but many fans called it out so it quiet down a bit. Like we didn't see it so often where fans were causing problems over it so idk why this returned nor what the cause of it was.

But thank you!! It really was a nice closing chapter, I think when I have personal stuff settled I will try maybe get a new bunny? And oohh congrats on the album! (Note to hybe or pledis. Please make the us store a more common thing, it makes things so much easier! Am happy it was at your place quick so kudos to the us store. Oohh wonderful choices! I think for many fans anyone or heaven's cloud seems to be the popular picks? For me, I may have to say game boi or heaven's cloud as well! Those songs make me just so happy? Like game boy is just so creative with the way it was made. As a video game nerd, it is perfection. I could make an essay about this song lol and heaven's cloud is just...wow. I feel so at ease with the song, comfortable and soothed. Like you are on a cloud lol. Also that is totally fine! Rtl was a grower for me (I blame the mv, it didn't do the song jusitice) but it is a bop and can't stop humming the chorus at random moments. Overall a great summer album. Just imagine any of these songs performed live ndjansns

lol don't feel too bad about it! honestly they weren't that bad + i can always delete asks if i really don't want to answer them, i just always get a bit paranoid that things will get out of hand so i may end up getting more serious in those situations OTL

and yeah i agree! i don't think it's a bad thing for groups to promote in the US, as you said, it's similar to groups expanding their fanbase by promoting in china or Japan or other asian counties, it makes sense from a business standpoint and there's nothing wrong with promoting in different countries. i just wish that some kpop stans understood that western and/or global popularity is a bonus and not a requirement for success. while they do have a global appeal, at the end of the day kpop's main audience is korea, and groups that achieve popularity in Korea have already achieved what they set out to do. but there's unfortunately a decent chunk of international fans that prioritize western popularity over anything and can't fathom that a group can be successful without being popular in the US. or they just talk as if their groups western achievements are more valuable than their Korean ones and to me that starts to look like xenophobia... (sorry if I'm repeating anything i said before in regards to this, i feel like i am but I'm too lazy to go back and check OTL)

since you sent this ask hybe released the caratland merch which was actually really nice, and today they also announced that there will be birthday merch for cheol (and presumably all members from here on out). we don't know what the bday merch is yet but some carats are already a bit miffed that hybe is even thinking to capitalize off the boys' birthdays... i bring both of these up bc i feel like the caratland merch proves your point that hybe is capable of designing good and thoughtful merch, and honestly this does reassure me a bit. but on the other hand them trying to capitalize off the boys' birthdays also proves that they still don't fully understand carats wants and priorities as a fanbase. which, if the future of seventeens merch is gonna be quality merch with some shitty cash grabs in between, i can live with that. I'm not gonna like the shitty cash grabs and i think it would be in our best interest as a fandom to not go crazy buying those shitty cash grabs, because if we don't then hybe will hopefully stop wasting their time and put more effort into /quality/. but if we get quality merch for important events like concerts and fanmeetings, i can live with it. as you said too, it can take time for these things to change, and we should all recognize that. but at the same time merch specifically is market driven, so i don't think it's a bad thing if people like @ hybe on twt about any bad merch that comes out in order to drive that change dhfkfj

but also on a maybe more fun note in regards to the merch... with some carats being upset about the bday merch i was thinking about what hybe could do for merch instead that would fill the niche of being at intervals throughout the year that could still be limited time drops but that carats wouldn't be mad at them capitalizing on and then i was like duh! they could literally just make merch off of going seventeen! honestly I'm surprised they haven't yet. maybe not merch for every episode, but they could have a line of permanent gose merch w a basic logo or something and then release limited time merch themed around some of the more popular episodes at various points during the year. I'm actually kind of obsessed with this idea now and for once I'm like hybe/pledis please capitalize off of this!! dhfkgjg

they never actually sold them, but for seventeens 3rd anniversary, pledis planned to sell replicas of seventeens rings. after it was announced carats were understandably upset since the boys worked so hard for those. luckily pledis heard carats concerns and put out an apology and didn't manufacture them in the end. I'm glad that at least they listened to carats even though it would have been better if they had never considered the idea in the first place :(

oh yeah listening parties are definitely just another marketing technique to boost streams. i think like with a lot of marketing techniques, it just depends on the execution. imo if they're done well it can be a good way for fans to connect while listening to an artists music, which is mutually beneficial for the company, but i can totally see a situation where companies get greedy and push it too hard. i don't know anything about what happened with them back in the day, but if you're curious why SVT had listening parties leading up to your choice, they were set up by UMG, the American distributor that SVT worked with for this cb. in this case the listening parties weren't just for boosting streams, but also likely for UMG to gauge interest. SVT isn't officially signed to a US label yet, but UMG's data from the listening parties could be used to show US labels whether or not there's enough interest for them to be signed. which if that happens we'd almost definitely see a more permanent US shop!

ahh yes, once you're ready I'm sure it would be great to have another bunny companion 🥺

yes! heavens cloud and gam3 bo1 are both such feel good songs! my sister actually added heavens cloud to their Spotify after i made them listen to the album in the car dhfkf it's now one of 6 kpop songs they have saved (4 of which are SVT... my influence 💅 DHFJFH) I'm certain we'll see some of the songs from your choice at caratland this year, hopefully it's all of them but I'd especially like to see heavens cloud and wave 👀 I'm also still crossing my fingers for an i wish live performance bc i can't believe my favorite SVT b-side is one of the TWO tracks they haven't performed live not including the new album (the other one being network love, which i would also like to see live!)

#melia.ask #📖 anon #long post #it always takes me so long to answer these bc i am incapable of shutting up OTL

[fishball-and-sweet-potato]

MLQC SongFic - Sweet Night (Gavin x MC/Reader)

Hello again! Recently, I'm hooked on this song, it was sung by my precious Kim Taehyung as OST of Itaewon Class! (even though I haven't watched it, but Park Seojoon makes me consider it lol) He's already been my bias in BTS since I was still in high school 😊. Bcs TaeTae and Gavin deserve so much love from me (hehe), I made them a collab xD. Hope you like it!

Words : 1,080

Genre : fluff, comfort

Warning : cheesy af, a bit swearing, childish MC

"Boss!!!" Kiki called me, "you know what, our show's latest episode is the most trending topic in Loveland City again!"

I looked at the news and social media portals she showed me, and I couldn't help but jumped from my chair excitedly. All the crews went to a group hug.

"Are you guys free tonight? Let's have a feast..." I exclaimed. The crews hesitated a bit, oh I almost forgot it's Friday afternoon. "...at Delicioso. Count it all on me." They cheered again. Oh my, they're really something.

Thanks to Anna's car, all of us arrived safely even after encountered a quite heavy traffic. The great thing at Delicioso was, the new buffet section had just opened. Luckily, we entered at 'Happy Hour' period, you could eat as you wish without worrying about the time limit. Happy tummy, happy money.

The atmosphere was full of joy, people chit-chatted and laughed. I just eagerly ate more and more. Until some time, my stomach felt full, but only void that surrounded my head and heart. At this point, I didn't know what to do.

"You okay?" Willow asked me, bringing back my consciousness.

"Ah, yes. I'm just really full," I replied while plastering a smile on my face.

"You haven't had a good sleep last night," Minor reminded me. Oh damn it, but this show was so important, and our hard work finally paid off!

I was just about to encourage my crews to eat more, but Anna interrupted my thought first, "we need some rest, after all. This should be enough, then." All the crews nodded in agreement. I paid for the food and was driven back home. I felt grateful having them by my side.

I intended to sleep immediately, but my mind kept reminiscing about the show. I wanted a distinctive, yet meaningful approach for this episode. The theme was about self-love, and we decided to name it 'Let Yourself Shine'. I hoped after this episode had been aired, it would raise people's awareness about consequences of bullying and people didn't need to live a life that was overshadowed by others' expectations. Bringing this theme up to the surface, I finally had a courage to tell my dad in heaven that I had done well this far and his legacy were relived. I didn't realize the tears fell to my cheek. When I opened my eyes, the ginkgo bracelet was the first thing I saw. It told me about who I should thank the most.

"Does he think about me too? Does he get hurt there?" I thought. Tonight he was supposed to finish his mission. A day before his mission started, he still helped me to be this episode's guest star. I got up from my bed, looking back and forth through the door and the window, searching for hopeful answers.

On my pillow

Can’t get me tired

Sharing my fragile truth

That I still hope the door is open

’Cause the window opened one time with you and me

Now my forever’s falling down

Wondering if you’d want me now

I didn't know for how long my mind was running wild, and finally I felt gentle wind drying my tears. The person knocked my window lightly. I ran to open the window. After a moment of confirmation, we pulled each other into a warm embrace.

"Gavin! I thought there's something terrible happened to you!" I said, pouring all my emotions to hitting him softly.

Gavin only chuckled. I was worried sick of him and here he was, teasing me, "I told you, I would always come back to you, safe and sound." He looked at me, concern filled his amber eyes, "you must be sleep-deprived."

I was embarrassed he would paid attention to that, "yes, I was too ecstatic about the show. But I'm happy it becomes a big hit!"

He smiled and responded, "I'm happy for my girl."

"Also, thank you for being our guest. I'll treat you to dinner tomorrow," I said.

"No need. Tomorrow I would just have my me time with you," he said pinching my cheek. I was rubbing his forearm, suddenly shock and sadness came to me again.

"Gavin, you promised me that you won't get hurt, right?" I asked, full of doubt. I waited for a week not to see him hurt like this.

"This isn't a big deal, really. The most important thing is, I'm finally here with you anyway," he tried to assure me, but I could only cried while rubbing his wound, hoping it would fade away soon.

How could I know

One day I’d wake up feeling more

But I had already reached the shore

Guess we were ships in the night

Gavin consoled me and I finally calmed down. He told me about his mission.

"You are the only one who comes up to my mind when I thought of my purpose to finish this thing ASAP. I'm afraid that you don't look for yourself properly, you're getting sad and I'm not able to be there to comfort you... I... I'm sorry..." He hugged me, his voice full of guilt.

"I understand. But I just... can't stop worrying about you. I'm sorry for being childish earlier," I said, hugging him back.

Gavin laughed lightly, then whispered to my ear, "you're cute." He looked at the clock. "It's late, you should go to sleep."

"Fine, but can I ask you a favour?" I asked timidly. Seeing Gavin's nod, I continued, "please stay with me tonight."

"Okay, I'll be on the sofa," he answered without hesitation.

I tugged his shirt, "I mean, accompany me here," I pointed at my bed.

Gavin was confused. "Would it be alright for you?"

"I just want to hold my precious person in the world and get away from bad dreams, are you happy now?" I explained while pretending to be angry.

I’m wondering are you my best friend

Feels like a river’s rushing through my mind

I wanna ask you if this is all just in my head

My heart is pounding tonight I wonder

If you are too good to be true

And would it be alright if I

Pulled you closer

Gavin smiled brightly. We laid down facing toward each other, feeling content at last. Gavin's left hand held my body, his other hand caressed my hair as if he sang me a lullaby. I heard his steady heartbeat clearly.

"Good night, Gavin," I said shyly.

"Good night, love."

#mlqc #mldd #mr love mobile #mr love queen's choice #mr love dream date #love x evol #evol x love #love and producer #mlqc gavin #mlqc bai qi #mlqc haku #mlqc fanfic #mlqc fluff #mlqc songfic #sweet night #v bts #kim taehyung #taetae #itaewon class #mlqc mc #birdcop #bird cop

[sothischickshe]

11, 17, 20!

11. What do you envy in other writers?

This is gonna sound cheesy, but jealousy is something that I try to, I guess, actively dismantle for myself? For all things, not just writing.

Like, there have defffffinitely been times where I've read stuff and been like WELL THAT'S SO FUCKING GOOD, I CAN'T DO THAT, WHAT'S THE POINT. but I think that's transitioned into WELL THAT'S SO FUCKING GOOD, I APPRECIATE IT!!! I WONDER IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN LEARN FROM IT? IF SO THAT'S COOL! OR MAYBE IT'S JUST VERY DIFFERENT TO HOW I WRITE, AND IF SO THAT'S COOL TOO!!

And I mean, stats/kudos would be an obvious one, but I reallllly think that's mostly stopped having an impact on me? As in, I love kudos obvi, but I don't really pay attention to anyone else's, and I tend to see my stories as weird lil snails in competition with each other?

That said, here are some things I do get a bit jealous of sometimes:

Writers who have the sense to write an idea down when they have it???

Writers who can actively work on multiple stories in the same period

Writers who can respond to comments in a sane fashion????

Writers with a computer that works (I should just back everything up! And get a new one?! But it's so shit! I cannot face the task of trying to back everything up???)

Writers who can write things normally??

Writers with a strong sense of smell

Writers who are yanks and therefore don't think it's fucking batshit to use adjectives where adverbs should clearly go???

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I mean, I'm certain that readers must perceive my stories differently to me, they are not me (well one of them is, I spose)! And readers are surely not a monolith? I would expect an array of perceptions!

I think there's often a fair bit of ambiguity to my stories, and I feel like that works for gg? Particularly cos I tend to write quite tight single pov, often unreliably, but also bc stories are ambiguous. I reblogged a Neil Gaiman post a lil while ago but fuck if I can find it or if I would be able to link to it if I could, but it was basically about how there often isn't an answer, that the ambiguity of the story IS the (point of) the story, and I think I broadly agree with that?

Like sometimes im deeply hinting at things that aren't stated and the ambiguity is mm I guess intentional but there's an answer I intend. And other times... Idk that's just the story and I can't say there's a distinct meaning or reason for the thing, it's just sposed to be vague - interpret how you will!!!

I don't know that I can speak to how any readers (other than I!) interpret me.

Hmm well I don't know if this would be surprising in terms of my writing/motivations but it kind of ties in with the above: when I'm thinking through or working out or then writing a story, I'm just thinking about it as a story. Like yea there are logistics, like how do I get a to do b, or into a better fucking mood so they stop yelling, but it's not really about how to convey parallels or comparisons or character notes. That stuff mostly comes in the edit. So when I write it, I often have no idea why stuff is there. I'll just be like I KNOW I NEED A SENTENCE WITH AN ICE CREAM, or whatever. and when I come to type it up im often like what the fuck is this for?? And I have to fight hard against deleting it!! And then when I'm editing I'll be like ohhhh this is here as a contrast to all the shit about the HOT PIES (or whatever), dang I'm glad I left this in!!! OK time to double down on or emphasise this somehow!!!!

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Afghff this is so hard cos I wanna yell about time 3 but I haven't even written any of it yet 😂

I'm gonna pull out something a lil silly, but @mego42 reminded me of an example in bdtn and it's something I do a fair bit, which is these ludicrous juxtapositions.

The one in bdtn is when rio asks Beth to watch Marcus for a bit n is like OI DON'T GIVE HIM LOADS OF SUGAR, and then Beth's like hmm should I make cookies with the kids?? (also that includes her thinking something about not starting something you can't finish 😇)

There's one in dirty dirty game where Beth just walks off from rio in the mid of a convo cos she can't be bothered with it, and v shortly after is musing on how he doesn't understand how conversations work 😂

I just like stuff like that cos it's not exactly textual but the placement makes it funny? I hardcore think that Beth is allergic to listening to anything rio is trying to say at almost any time, and that they're both absolute fucking hypocrites. It's also the kind of thing that I think a reader might not consciously notice, but I think bits like that kind of sink in and impact the experience of reading something??

#Well this got long!! #On the kudos thing #I think moving from writing multi chaps to not so much helped me break the link btwn kudos and quality #And the anon bombing has just messed all my stats up anyway 😂 #Writing #On writing #Fanfiction #Fanfic #I feel like I need to go reread my stories so I can go make better meta comments!!

[mental-health-advice]

can you help me please?? i told my friend abt how i was diagnosed w severe anxiety & depression & my self harm & she freaked and was like "i can't believe you didn't tell me" & every time i come out about something to a friend they get mad bc i haven't told them earlier & she was like "i wish i could cuddle you & you'd be happy again" but that's not how it works & she was like "in kind of mad at you" & kept saying i was stupid & idk it's mixed feelings bc she was also saying i love you so ???

Hi darling,

I’m so proud of you for opening up to your friend about everything that you’ve been dealing with! Unfortunately she didn’t quite respond the way we’d like the people we care about to respond when we tell them about these kind of things.

It sounds like she doesn’t have much experience with struggles like this, which of course is a good thing! However therefore she doesn’t know how much and in what way it can affect someone, and how difficult opening up about it all can be. I think it might be good to have another conversation with her and to explain this all to her. Explain to her that when you’re struggling so much, opening up is one of the hardest things to do, that it takes a lot of courage. That sometimes we can feel ashamed of ourselves for struggling so much. That not opening up does not mean we don’t trust them, but that we simply aren’t ready for it yet. Sometimes we are too scared to admit that we really are struggling so much, even though we do know it’s the case. Sometimes saying it out loud makes it more real, and we don’t want that to happen.

Try to explain to her that you really wish that her cuddling you would make you happy again, but that unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Explain that there’s a chemical imbalance in your brain, give her lots of information on anxiety and depression. We have an anxiety page series here and a depression page here (a more elaborate mood disorders page series is being made, but currently our focus is on getting the waiting time down so it will probably take a while before those are up and running) that you can link her to if she wants more information. Try to explain that self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism, but that you can also become dependent on it, which makes it really hard to stop.

Try to give her examples of things she can say that would help you. Everyone is unique so different things will help different people, but I’ve tried to come up with some phrases that might be helpful.

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.

I’m proud of you for opening up to me.

I’m right here by your side.

If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.

Is there anything that you know that helps you? That way if something happens, I know better how to help you.

Would you like me to go with you to the doctor to get professional help? 

Your struggles are valid.

Please let me know if there’s anything I can do, at any time.

These are just some examples, mostly of things that I’d find helpful. But as I said, different things might help different people.I hope that you can bring this up to your friend and that in the future she will be more helpful for you. I really do want to stress that you took an amazing step by opening up to her, and I’m really really proud of you for doing so!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #anxiety #depression #self harm #self-harm #friendship #mhapauline #Anonymous