alyaandthebrain

[alyaandthebrain]

ANOTHER MEME SINCE I FEEL LIKE GOD NOW

[alyaandthebrain]

I really really tried to be alone but it didn't work, I found someone to love and now I'm trying to see if they could possibly love me back

I feel so empty. It's like I'm nothing unless I love someone, unless I'm with them, unless they love me back.

#bpd #bpd relationships

[alyaandthebrain]

I feel so empty. It's like I'm nothing unless I love someone, unless I'm with them, unless they love me back.

[alyaandthebrain]

not pictured: how red and puffy my eyes are and the new forming headache from hours of crying and just having a really bad low while telling everyone i’m okay/good (:

[alyaandthebrain]

Funny how someone can be the one filling your lungs with air one moment and the one suffocating you the next.

[alyaandthebrain]

Love in the brain of me

so this is my first post. I haven't really written anything in awhile, especially not something about me.

I want to vent about love when dealing with BPD. I feel like I have no one to talk about it with. I experience love in such an extreme way. my mood changes depending on if this person is responding. (I'm gonna call the person I currently like 'M') M struggles with depression so can sometimes be distant and its like my brain takes that as a personal attack. my brain immediately spirals into a 'he hates me' direction or that he found someone better than me. every second he doesn't respond another thought of how he's with someone or is playing me enters my mind. I think these insane things like how if he's with another girl id light his car on fire or dumb shit like that. rationally I know I can't do that and if he hurts me then he hurts me but god I will do anything and everything in my power to stop it and keep him. I think of him literally every second but not in a cute way. in an I'm obsessed and am getting more and more possessive by the day. I don't know how to stop it or like him in a normal way. I've cried because he hasn't responded and my brain has decided he will never speak to me again when in reality he's just relaxing after work. I read so far into every single message and reread them all the time. I cannot accept what's on the surface there has to be more there has to be some betrayal; at the same time thought my delusions run the show. my brain creates these hyper realistic daydreams about us and I just want it. I want to be trusting and kind and patient but god my fuse is so short. I really have tried to hide my insanity from him but god I feel like I'm holding my breath underwater. I feel so insecure all the time because we don't have a label and I just know he's talking to other girls and it just isn't fair. it isn't right that they get to talk to him. fuck it sends me into a rage everytime I think about another girl kissing him or talking to him or being called pretty by him. I literally threw up the other day thinking about another girl getting to touch him. I feel like if I'm this bad now I shouldn't enter any form of relationship but at the same time I don't want to live my life with this form of fear. I haven't seen him irl in two weeks bc of his depression making him peopled out and while I believe him I also don't. my brain immediately goes to he's lying he's lying he's lying. It thinks he's using this time to see other girls and that he can see how far off my hinges I am and won't tell me. he says he misses me a lot and does cute things but its so hard to believe that someone could possibly like me for being me. I feel so fucking annoying and clingy for telling him I miss him so much but id die for him. id do anything for him all he has to do is ask. it feels like my world is fucking falling apart when he's busy and like the apocalypse is around the corner when he doesn't compliment me. I also hate mirroring because my mirror seems to be zoomed in. if he's sad about something I'm devastated about it; if he's happy I'm over the fucking moon. I feel his emotions to an extreme. it kind of reminds me of that scene in midsommer where they cry with dani. god writing this out feels good but so shameful. I know how I think is unhealthy and I need to watch my behaviours. I have been doing well actually. I haven't freaked the fuck out on this one yet! I've remained patient and calm. at least in front of him I am. I have a journal filled with raging thoughts that I plan to burn. I also have had FaceTime calls with friends last entire nights of me freaking out and them trying to help me. I sometimes feel like I cannot live without feeling love. I think that's why I'm so willing to risk getting hurt again but I don't have a choice. my brain makes the choices but it doesn't consult me or anyone first. it just picks someone and says this person is now your person and you will feel such strong love and adoration for them until you don't. until you only feel hatred and spite and vengeful towards them or you feel nothing at all towards them. it feels good to write this all out.

#bpd life #bpd #bpd relationships #bpd rant #bpd vent