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coltermorning · 3 days

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Of Love and Loss Ch. 15 (RDR2 Fanfic, Arthur Morgan x F!Reader, 18+)

Summary: You ask something of Arthur that leaves you with a decision to make in return—one that could cost you both.

Author’s Notes: Chapter fifteen of this one.

Tags: Arthur Morgan x reader, high honor Arthur Morgan, minor character death, loss of parents, blood and injury, grief/mourning, survivor guilt, strangers to lovers, slow burn, eventual smut, graphic depictions of violence

AO3 Link

Of Love and Loss

Fifteen: The Distraction of Choice

Word count: 5221

You awoke slowly, adjusting to consciousness and the glaring light against your eyelids. When you finally managed to open them, you already knew what you would find—the warmth against your body made it hard not to.

Arthur slept with you, facing you, arm thrown over your middle. His face was so close you debated kissing him. You hadn’t seriously considered doing it since just after the first time, but now it was a hard urge to shake.

The light was softer now as it fell on him, his eyelashes catching it, lit golden by it. His breathing was even and deep. Peaceful for all the hell he normally gave you. And all you could think was that if you kissed him now, maybe there was a chance that peace would remain. Bloom into something you wished he could feel for you.

You imagined it instead as the slightest turn of your mouth formed a smile not just for the way he had picked on you about imagining the very same with that postman but for the way it would feel with Arthur. The softest press of your lips to his, awakening him. His searching eyes as he looked at you, drawing back in surprise. Then acceptance, gentle and simple, as he came forward again and kissed you back. It would be slow this time. The last kiss had gotten away from you, but not this time. This one would be soft, a lazy press of your lips and a blocking out of everything but the two of you in this bed. There would be no expectation, no need for feelings shared or something more. Just a kiss that dragged on, ended, and left the two of you lighter than air. You wanted it so badly you found yourself moving closer to him. Your breathing quickened, and when he was hardly an inch away, difficult to discern the smaller details of this close, you stopped. As lovely as the thought was, it needed to remain that way—just a thought. Hidden within you as all your other deepest desires were, no more than hope tangled up with things long lost.

Arthur’s eyes opened.

Your heartbeat thundered through you as you wondered if you were imagining it, but no, that was really him looking at you, moving his head back when he realized you were so close and staring so deeply.

Neither of you said a word. You were too scared to, but his silence was unusual. He would normally fill the space with some kind of passing humor, but he didn’t. And suddenly the pressing weight of his arm wrapped around you was as telling as anything he could say, as he didn’t move it away. He didn’t back down apart from the slight surprise he had shown. So the pair of you just stared, still tangled together under the blankets.

Precious seconds passed, and then you felt his thumb rubbing back and forth against your side so carefully you were scared to move for fear of him stopping. But still he didn’t shy away, and he didn’t say anything. So you did.

“Why won’t you kiss me again?”

The whispered words were out before you could take them away, and his gaze stayed searching.

“Is that what you want?”

His deep, calm voice this close, that question…

“I thought I made that obvious.” You still could do no more than whisper that confession. Like saying it louder would make it harder to part with.

His eyes dipped to your mouth.

“What do you want?” you asked suddenly, shocked at the attention he was giving you.

His gaze met yours once more, and with it came all those feelings of attraction you’d had toward him before. His handsome face after that haircut, the blue-green starkness of his eyes. His full lips.

“Same as you, I suppose.”

Your heart was racing so fast the pressure of it built high in your chest—anticipation.

“Why don’t you?”

He pondered this, finally stopping those gentle caresses of his thumb. “‘Cause in a few weeks I’ll just end up leaving you. Then we part even more miserable.”

You hadn’t thought that far ahead—couldn’t get past this moment.

“But…” You had to rally your courage to say what you wanted to. “Since we know now, what the other wants…won’t we regret it if we never try?”

He looked to your mouth again. “Probably.”

“So kiss me. It’ll hurt to watch you leave either way.”

The confession surprised him—his eyes widened as they met yours. And with that look, you found the courage to speak. For his sake.

“I’ve grown more fond of you than I cared to admit before. And not just because of what you’re doing for me, taking me all this way. It’s because you’re…kind and smart and amusing. You’re careful with me even when I don’t deserve it. And it’s easier to be myself around you than I ever thought I could be after what happened to my parents.”

He studied you a beat. Then, “You don’t really know me.”

“I do. I know that you only see the worst parts of yourself, but you aren’t just your past, and you aren’t just some undeserving outlaw. Because when no one else would have, you scraped me off the ground and stood me back up. You buried my parents. You’ve taken me all this way. How can you not call that goodness?”

He didn’t have a response to that, averting his gaze.

“It’s why I want you to kiss me. Why I have since the last time you did it. Not because of what you’ve done for me, but because of the man that makes you. One I would be…honored to have the affection of.”

He moved his hand from your side to your hair, catching the horsehair braid between his fingers.

“But would I be doing right by you?” His mouth turned up at the side, the saddest smile you’d ever seen him make. “That’s all I’ve been asking myself this past week. Maybe it’s what I want, but is that really what you need from me?”

It was certainly what you wanted in this moment, lying so close to him. But what you needed?

You needed to be focusing on the uncertain future that lay ahead of you. You needed to be seriously considering that in a few weeks’ time, you would no longer have Arthur. That forward thinking was what your parents had been trying to teach you. But couldn’t you learn all that on your own, after this good thing you had with the man before you came and went? Couldn’t this be the last selfish thing you ever reached out and took for yourself?

Arthur was running his thumb over your braid, admiring it when he sighed, like something had settled within him. “I want you to think on it. If it’s worth it. Because if it means that much to you…” His eyes met yours, soft but brilliant in the light. “It’ll hurt you that much worse in a few weeks time.”

He didn’t say the rest—how much it would hurt him too. But you felt it as he looked so deeply into your eyes you could see, for the first time, every single thing he was feeling. It was the only time he had ever allowed you to see underneath the surface, to the man lying below.

Arthur rose from the bed and turned away before you could stop him. Your words died on your tongue, the moment slipping away. But you owed him at least this much—time to think on it, to do this one, simple thing he asked of you. So you let him get up and get properly dressed, let him give you instructions to leave the door locked after what had happened at the saloon the day before. You barely caught where he was going—the general store—because you were too busy watching him. Just watching, this man who held so much respect for you that he hadn’t done the one thing both of you desired most. All for your honor. You were starting to realize that you were the one who needed to work on that honor, not him. He was as honorable a man as you’d ever known.

Arthur’s mind raced as he walked, heading for the general store, remembering to put one foot in front of the other out of muscle memory alone. He was too busy wondering why he had just left you back in that room. He was a goddamn idiot. The fact you hadn’t told him so suggested he was somewhere along the right track, giving you space to think, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to turn right back around and storm those stairs and kiss you. He had wanted to before, but after all you’d said…

He’d never heard anything like that. From anyone. Even now, he was mixed with guilt and pride over the kindness you’d given him in those words. And it had honestly surprised him. He’d thought all this time, you’d been putting up with him at best. Despite what you said about being obvious in your affections, you had been anything but. And knowing now how much you cared for him…who was he to deny what that could turn into?

Just what that could turn into, Arthur pondered as he stepped inside the small store and found the cigarettes in a passing glance. He took two boxes, then one more, all as his mind turned circles around itself. He set the boxes down on the counter, and the store owner started, “That’ll be-”

“Here,” Arthur interrupted, already handing over the money owed. He didn’t have time for this. He was starting to realize, no matter how much he knew he had been right in doing it, that leaving you in that hotel was costing him precious time. So he paid and stashed the cigarettes in his satchel and was walking out the door just as another man tried walking into it, nearly running square into him in the process.

“Watch it,” Arthur snapped, his words filled with enough warning that the man jumped out of his way and let him pass. Arthur eyed him from his shiny boots to his equally shiny deputy badge and silently cursed himself a fool. But the deputy didn’t say a word, so Arthur moved on, his mind remaining elsewhere.

The walk back took entirely too long. What if you changed your mind? You hadn’t stopped him leaving before, so who was to say his words hadn’t changed your mind already? He hadn’t wanted to seem disagreeable in his answer, but looking at you after you had laid your thoughts so bare for him left nothing for him to say but the truth. It wasn’t a denial, he reminded himself. He hadn’t told you no. He’d as good as said he would do anything you asked of him. He just hoped you would keep on asking.

Arthur was so distracted that by the time he reached the street across from the hotel, he noticed someone following him that he should have noticed three blocks ago—the same man he had nearly run over in front of the store. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. This back street was out of the way and nearly across town. Arthur normally would have confronted the man, but that deputy badge on his chest didn’t sit right. He could just be upset over Arthur making him cower earlier, but Arthur had a feeling it had to do with his little jaunt to the saloon yesterday, with that idiot he had run into with more grease than gall.

Knowing whatever the reason, the man hadn’t yet confronted him and seemed to be staking him out instead, so Arthur turned left and away from the hotel. He wasn’t about to lead a deputy right to your door. He backtracked and took another sharp left into an alleyway, picking up his pace. He knew he could lose the man in the crowded town, but he needed a plan in the meantime. Any attention from the law was unwanted attention, so he thought of a way to get you out of that hotel and to the stable unnoticed. You had both overstayed your welcome. It was time to leave, time to get you home, time to push all thought of that kiss into the next town over lest he end up in worse shit than he already was.

Hours later than he should have been back, Arthur sprang through the door and locked it behind him, immediately rounding on you.

“Get up.”

You did so without hesitation. “What’s wrong?”

He crossed the space in a moment, taking your chair and setting it by the door. He sat in it, leaning forward so that he could hear any disturbance in the hallway outside.

“Arthur?”

He shushed you, the sound taking any further word from your mouth. What had gone wrong? You thought of what the bartender had said in that saloon about the new marshal and his brother. Had Arthur run into them?

You moved to stand beside Arthur, looking at him with questioning eyes instead. He finally met your gaze from under the brim of his hat, holding his finger to his mouth for you to keep quiet. You nodded, and he whispered in answer so low you could hardly hear him. “Ran into the law on the way back. Think I lost them, but I can’t be too sure.”

Damn. You two needed to get out of town. Now. You had come this far and wouldn’t get caught up here like you almost had in the last town.

“Let’s wait for night and leave then,” you whispered just as lowly.

Arthur shook his head. “Safer here. They’ll have to knock on every door to find us. We’ll have fair warning.” He nodded across the room, and you followed his gaze to the window—an escape, if necessary. The thought made you clam up with fear. Maybe they wouldn’t find you, and it wouldn’t come to that.

“What happened?”

He wouldn’t meet your eye, just kept leaning toward the door like it would spring open any second. “Nothing.”

You didn’t believe that in the slightest. “Arthur-”

“Hush,” he hissed. Then, even quieter, “They was tailing me. First one deputy, then two. This has to be about that Lawrence feller.”

Indeed. The barman had been right.

Needing to siphon off some of your restless energy, half of it pertaining to the newfound danger, half of it for what you had decided to tell Arthur when he returned, you went back to the bed and gathered your things together. All that amounted to was your clothes you had yet to put back on, but it was better to be prepared if you had to make a run for it. With that thought in mind, you eyed said clothes. You were more comfortable in them, more familiar with them, and if you got in a tight, you knew it would be better to have your clothes on than Arthur’s. Especially since George Lawrence and that whole saloon had seen you in the latter. So, with nerves returning, you said without looking at Arthur, “I’m changing my clothes. Don’t turn around.”

He didn’t answer with much besides a muttered, “Stay quiet,” so you got on with it.

You hadn’t realized how much you appreciated proper-fitting garments until yours were back on. You felt at ease, like this threat was just another hill to climb. And when you looked to Arthur, you found a new bout of confidence flowing through you that you hadn’t felt before. You grinned. Maybe that kiss wouldn’t be so far off after all.

When all was in order from your boots to your hat, you took Arthur’s newly folded clothes to him. “Here.”

He looked around, his eyes catching on you for a breath before he took his clothes back and stuffed them away.

“Thank you for letting me borrow them.”

“No problem,” he muttered, going back to staring at the door. Utterly unfocused on you. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about kissing him. He would probably shove you off of him if you tried, too concerned about the goings-on on the opposite side of the door. So you let out a small sigh as your confidence cooled and turned toward the bed again, landing on it to wait for the threat to pass. You pulled out your father’s ledger in the meantime, opening it to a random page. It normally would have sucked you in with your father’s familiar scrawl, but the figures blurred, all of your concentration remaining with the man across the room.

After many minutes like this passed in silence, Arthur finally seemed to be satisfied that no one had followed him in, as he rose and stuck the chairback beneath the doorknob. He wasted no time in getting a new cigarette out of his satchel and lighting it.

You tossed the ledger aside and smirked at the sight of him smoking so soon. He caught it.

“What?”

“I know why you smoke now,” you said, leaning back on your hands.

“Don’t have to have a reason-”

“You smoke when you’re nervous.”

Arthur scoffed and tried to wave this off, but you pushed. “You said before you don’t get scared anymore, but I know you get nervous. And you smoke to ease those nerves.”

His eyes went distant, and he had no retort, so you knew you had it right. Whether it be about concern for this trip or nerves over things you brought up to him, he had done it since the beginning.

“I got a lot on my mind,” he muttered. “What, between you and this trip and all those folks I left behind…”

You could understand a man like him being worried over lawmen chasing him down, but his words made his priorities clear to be anything but his own well-being. All he ever seemed to worry about was the safety of those around him, even when his neck was on the line. You wondered why. What had happened to make him like this—so nervous about protecting those around him that he was downright self-destructive, couldn’t stand to be with his own thoughts about it without a cigarette in his hand? You recognized it for what it was the same moment you tried to compare it to your own circumstances—losing someone did that to a person.

You studied him a beat as he stood there smoking, making up your mind. It was your turn to stick your neck out.

You patted the bed beside you. “Sit.”

“Why?”

“Just come sit down, stubborn.”

He crossed the room slowly, already putting out his cigarette. The bed creaked with his weight as he sat, just as your chest seemed to tighten at his closeness. But you pushed your own nerves aside to say your piece, unsure if he needed your help but knowing you would regret it if you never said a word.

“You lost someone didn’t you?”

The words hung there. He looked to his boots, his hands coming together as he leaned forward—a man in defeat.

“I’ve lost a lot of people.”

“I figured.”

You wanted him to take the lead, to say only what he was comfortable with. Your response would form from his, from what he needed from you.

He finally looked to the window, letting out a long, tired breath.

“My son among them.”

You were so stunned you could only stare at him. He looked to you, such sadness in his eyes you couldn’t stand it, but he soon went back to staring at his hands.

“He was a good kid. Too good for having the likes of me as a father. But he…got killed in a house robbery when I weren’t there. I should have been there, for him and his mother. She passed too.”

“I’m so sorry, Arthur.”

“Me too.”

You couldn’t think of a thing to say to comfort him. You knew how meaningless words felt when the only thing that could make hurt like that go away was if it had never happened at all. But he had come this far, had wanted to help people ever since and be better because of it. So maybe there was something to be said for all the hardship.

“I know how painful it is to lose someone. I mean, obviously I do, but…it doesn’t go away. And I’m just-” You looked at him then, meeting those sad eyes when they rose to yours. “I’m proud to see who you’ve become in spite of that. To have proof that we can get through these things and come out better on the other side.”

His gaze turned bitter. “If I’d been better from the start, it would never have happened.”

Those words cut into you like ice. Because if you’d been better from the start, listened to your parents, you never would have had need for this trip. They would still be alive.

“Maybe,” was all you could say. It was your turn to let your gaze fall to your hands, distracted by thoughts too heavy to see through.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he muttered, like he realized then how much you could relate to him. Of all the outrageous things, you smiled. He saw it. “What’s that look for?”

You shook your head, leaning over onto his shoulder and looking out the window. “I’m just glad it was you who found me. So we can be miserable together.”

He huffed a laugh. “Sure.”

It wouldn’t be much longer now with him. Not long at all. This was not the time for regrets, not when you and Arthur had so many they were liable to swallow you both. So you continued to lean against him as you said, “Thank you for telling me.” And, feeling the weight of loss and the overwhelming sense of love that came with it, “And I’ve made up my mind.”

Arthur shifted beside you, but you couldn’t look at him now. Not when you were dangerously close to feeling something for him that would be unbearable to lose in a few short weeks.

“About what?” he said.

He knew what. You knew he knew what. But you said it anyway, because there wasn’t enough time in an entire lifetime powerful enough to hold it in.

“I want you to kiss me.”

“Now?”

Your heartbeat pounded through you. You nodded against him, still unable to look at him.

He scoffed. “You would wait ‘til we’re wanted by the law.”

You pushed against him, finally meeting his eye. “Until you are,” you corrected.

He cracked a grin. “I didn’t know any better, and I’d think you had a thing for wanted men.”

“Not wanted men.”

“You sure about that?”

His smile was killer, and you were staring straight at his mouth when you felt that same confidence from before and said, “Just you.”

Arthur’s expression filtered through emotions so fast you could hardly keep up, but he finally landed on one you understood. Because you’d seen it before, just once: the last time he kissed you.

Want.

“One condition,” he said, voice suddenly shot so low it made your stomach tighten in anticipation.

You didn’t answer, waiting. Watching that gaze of his and all it meant. Memorizing it.

“Tell me your name.” His eyes remained heavy-lidded, full of desire. And as tempting as that look was, it wasn’t what made you want to hand over this last piece of yourself. It wasn’t his handsomeness or the want that burned within you. It wasn’t even the words you had just traded, baring all your hurt to each other. It was the knowledge that your name was something your parents had given to you, and you hadn’t doled it out before because no one on earth meant as much to you as they had. But now, there was someone who did. And why deny him a moment longer when you’d already asked everything of him?

You looked into Arthur’s eyes and felt a smile reach your mouth. “Y/N.”

After all this time, it felt good to say it. Like you’d found yourself once more. And it felt even better when Arthur’s gaze turned into one of admiration, when he repeated your name back to you on a breath so fond your heart seized up with it.

You nodded.

Before he or you could think better of it, he was pulling off your hats, his hands reaching for your face and dragging you to him, meeting your lips in a kiss both soft and loving, needy and sure. Sure as you were that this was right.

It started gentle, just as you imagined it would this morning. Then your desire got the better of you. Still kissing him, you turned and brought your legs underneath you on the bed, facing him, taking his head in your hands. You didn’t have a clue what you were doing, only that this felt more right than anything ever had.

Arthur pulled back to look at you. You were both breathing heavy, holding each other, still so full of want that he smiled, and you smiled right back, and he leaned over you and took you down to the bed, kissing you again. His strong hand came down beside you, holding him above you, but his other found your head and tilted it back. Gave him a better angle for his mouth to meet yours. Then you felt his tongue just as you had the last time, and it was a heat that burned through you hotter than anything ever had. Your hands wrapped around that broad, muscled back of his and brought him closer. So close there was no more space between you. His heavy body atop yours was aiding in that pressure that built within you, and all you could do about it was kiss him harder, over and over, meeting his tongue and nearly shivering with desire for the way he used it. Christ, you could learn a thing or two from this man. In the meantime, you could only bask in this. How perfect it was to be with him like this. It was what you had been missing before, you realized—not affection or anything of the sort, but life, full and lived in. Not tucked away in some mountain valley, never to see or feel or experience something for yourself. If this was what life held for you, you would gladly choose it. Again and again and again. And that was exactly what you did as the minutes ticked by.

The two of you parted, talked, brought it back up, kissed again. Enough of this, and you found yourself on top of the man, more courageous than you ever thought you would be. But there were no longer nerves in you, or if there were, they existed for an entirely different reason. Now they just urged you to keep kissing him, to let the moment last as long as you could. Because these days with him were fleeting. You would hold onto this happiness with every fiber of your being while you still had the privilege.

What must have been an hour went by. Then another. Filled with conversation and his warm, irresistible mouth.

Just as you found yourself smiling like an idiot at another terrible joke of his, oblivious to anything but him, a fist beat on the door so hard it startled you and Arthur apart. The force of the knocking shook the door and the chair still stuck under the knob, making an awful rattling sound that filled you with dread and stole away whatever joy you had.

“This is Deputy Foreman of Plainview Law Enforcement. Come out unarmed!”

And just like that, any hope that this trip had turned for the better shattered. Fear flooded you, cold and unending, and all you could do was look to Arthur. He cursed and scrambled from the bed, stuffing his hat back on his head and throwing you yours.

“I need you to trust me,” he whispered so quietly you had to strain to hear. “Do exactly as I say.”

You just stared at him, startling again when that same fist beat on the door a second time.

“Get up,” Arthur whispered. “They can’t know you was here.”

“Arthur-”

“Now,” he said with such quiet force that you were reminded of the outlaw you met out in the woods among those two thieving men—an enforcer. A killer.

You stood and set your hat on your head, snatching up your father’s ledger and tucking it away.

“Here,” Arthur whispered, already beside you, holding out his satchel and his gun belt with his gun still tucked inside it.

You stopped and balked at him. “I can’t-”

“Come out now, or I will take this door down! Don’t make me ask again!” The unfamiliar voice had you crawling back inside yourself in terror. But there was no time for that, no time to wonder why the deputy was here, how he had found you, what it meant that Arthur was giving you his belongings…

Arthur strapped his gun belt around your waist himself in a fervor, yelling in response, “All right, I’m coming! Pipe down with that, would you?”

The door just rattled with more fistbeats in response as Arthur tossed his satchel over you. He stopped and looked you square in the eye, voice staying low. “I don’t know what they think they have on me, but I don’t want you getting tangled up in whatever it is, so you’re gonna go out that window and drop down to the stairs below. Go get your mule, and get out of dodge. You understand?”

How he was this quick on his feet under such stressful circumstances, you couldn’t understand, nor could you get past your own worry enough to do as he said.

“I’m not leaving you-”

He practically shoved you toward the window and whispered his reply. “Go. Now.”

You stared at him a heartbeat longer, not wanting this all to end so soon, before he turned and made for the chair under the knob. As it stood, if you were going to escape, you had seconds to do it. You patted your chest to make sure your father’s ledger was tucked away, took one last look at Arthur’s retreating back, then made for the window. It was the only thing you knew to do. You would be absolutely no help to him captured right alongside him.

You had the window shoved open and were judging the drop when Arthur started arguing with the deputy on the other side of the door. “Let me get my damn clothes on. Christ.” He motioned at you to go, and all you could do was get one last look at him, at the room where you had both given over so much of each other, before you stuck your feet out the window and fell.

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#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x female reader #high honor arthur morgan #rdr2 arthur morgan #rdr2 fanfic #rdr2 #fanfic #writing

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employee052 · 3 days

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[A new ending and a new beginning.] (art + a fic)

[I accidentally wrote a lot for the art piece, so the full art is at the end under the cut!]

"An odd silence fell between the two of them as the sun began to gently rise from its slumber and out into the sky above. A soft drizzle pouring onto the ground below as Stanley clung to the jacket resting on his shoulders. The breeze hitting his skin as he realized what this was.

It was weather.

It was the rain. It was the cool breeze against his skin, the warmth of the sun above, the grass below him, the trees surrounding him.

It was freedom. Just like the way the two had hoped that they would one day see.

The Narrator smiled softly, Gently grabbing Stanley's hand as they sat side by side on the hilltop.

He gazed out into the world around them. The sunlight making his eyes shine a familiar yellow as he turned to see all there was to see in that moment alone. There was an odd sense of finality to his face, as though he was conjuring another story in his mind. Only this time, there were no more endings, no more resets.

Simply a story with a beginning and an end.

Stanley looked at him curiously, nudging his arm as The Narrator turned to face him with a guilty look.

This made Stanley nervous. Despite having only seen the Narrator in person for a short amount of time, in all his time within the office, he never once imagined that the same man that he was hearing all this time would be sitting beside him looking at him like he was his world.

And perhaps he was, Stanley thought to himself.

'It's funny, isn't it Stanley?' The Narrator asked in a low rumble, 'To think, the ending we've both desperately dreamed of achieving, and all you had to do was get me to listen."

Stanley smiled, it was a challenge to get him to stop without a voice. An even bigger challenge to get him to listen to what he had to say.

Yet as his legs ached from running up those stairs towards the escape pod, The Narrator holding his hand as he wondered if they were really about to be freed. Stanley knew that he would do it all again if it meant that the two of them could sit on this hill together for just a brief moment.

The Narrator sighed, looking down at their hands in silent acceptance. Gently caressing soft circles on the back of Stanley's hand.

Stanley didn't need to look. The weight in his chest telling him all that he needed to know.

Stanley kept his eyes on the Narrator's face. Set on dedicating it to memory as the soft wisps of distortion chipping off the Narrator's body. His coat on his shoulders growing steadily lighter.

'It's okay,' The Narrator reassured, his free hand wrapping around Stanley's torso in a gentle side hug. 'We've both achieved our freedom. Even if it was for a brief moment.'

A sob escaped Stanley's throat. A soft gasp before he broke out into tears. He pulled The Narrator in for a hug, clinging desperately to him as he felt him hug back. The two of them holding onto each other desperately as the ending was in sight.

'Oh... I have so many things I wish to tell you Stanley.'

Stanley felt the Narrators lips press against his head tenderly.

'But this isn't my ending to live. It's simply another beginning to your own story.'

The two stayed like this for another moment. Holding each other in their arms as the stars faded for the morning skies' hues to colour the atmosphere above them. Tears streaming down their faces. Stanley felt the Narrator's grip grow weaker feeling the distortion grow more intense as he clung to him even harder.

'Stanley, would you mind if I narrate this moment for us? For old times sake.' He whispered. 'It will be different, I promise.'

Stanley chuckled quietly. His shoulders shaking as he nodded, wiping his tears. For once, he never thought his lines would bring him this much comfort.

The Narrator coughed, the distortion about to overtake him as he pulled Stanley in closer. Speaking with whole chest befitting for a true and final ending.

'And so, Stanley and The Narrator could feel the breeze against their skin. A new ending, and a new beginning for them both. The feeling of freedom within themselves.'

'This was exactly the way, right now, that things were meant to happen.'

'And Stanley was free.' "

[The End]

~~~~~~~

[For different versions of the art!- uh... we can only have one cut, so just... scroll down lmao]

#artswin #ficswin #tsp stanarrator #stanarrator #tsp narrator #tsp stanley #control group au #tsp #tspud #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #stanley parable #tspud narrator #tspud stanley #tspud stanarrator #fanfiction #sorry if my writing isnt good. i havent written a fic in a while askjdh

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 2 days

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you already told us that if TMWWBK!Tom went back in time, he'd become little Lilly's tutor. but what would Alphard do?

if he went back to his hogwarts years, would he really kill Myrtle before Tom had the chance to prevent Tom making the diary horcrux like he thought about?

or if he didn't go that far in time, maybe just to the Black sisters' hogwarts time, would he just pack up all their things and go "alright kids, we're moving to France/wherever"? or would he just send the girls to some french/whatever second cousin while he'd stay in Britain trying to convince Tom to stop his plans? or something else?

The Man Who Would Be King by me and @therealvinelle

The Myrtle Thing

... you take what Alphard says when he doesn't have to put his money where his mouth is very seriously, anon.

Especially since Myrtle's death was one of those entirely avoidable ridiculous things that only happened because Tom opened the Chamber. Killing Myrtle would not necessarily stop anyone else from accidentally dying.

Alphard may think such things offhand in a moment of despair and desperation but it's a far different story to actually do it.

If Alphard went this far back I imagine he'd confront Tom directly which would get very weird for Tom.

The Girls Are in Hogwarts

Hogwarts wasn't the problem.

The problem was when they got out of Hogwarts and one had her dalliance with a Muggle-born, another marries Lucius fucking Malfoy, and a third joins a terrorist organization.

Hogwarts didn't help all of those things but it wasn't the root cause of all of their misfortune and sending them off to France could just mean Andromeda is now with a Muggle-born Frenchman which is somehow even worse than Ted and Narcissa with an Frencher Malfoy which is... probably about the same as Lucius.

Alphard probably tries to keep them in Hogwarts and thinking he can have it all under control. He will come down harder on Andromeda about Ted before things spiral out of control and remind her "are you really willing to lose your entire family just to date this dude", break up Narcissa and Lucius, and stop Bellatrix from going to parties where she'd be radicalized by the Dark Lord in the first place.

Of course, as you can imagine, this all fails horribly as Andromeda and Narcissa both rebel and do what they want, Bellatrix no doubt hearing about the Dark Lord from somewhere and getting very into it, and Regulus still becoming a Death Eater and Walburga still disowning Sirius for something.

"My life is purposeless and I affect nothing" Alphard says as he realizes he's changed nothing.

#harry potter #the man who would be king #alphard black #tom riddle #meta #vinelle #therealvinelle

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oreolemur · 12 hours

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Yandere Short Story- Megumi Fushiguro

Murdering your lover, Megumi stood in front of you emotionless. "Don't look at me like that", he said, walking towards you. You stared at the bloody knife in his hands as you backed away. "M-Megumi? I thought we were friends", you said. "Friends?" the man scoffed before giving a cold chuckle. "We're much more than that. You and I are connected in a way that can never be broken. I murdered him because he kept getting in the way of our love." He takes a step closer to you, a twisted grin forming on his face. "Please put the knife down", you begged. "Or what? Are you going to run away from me? I killed him for us and instead of telling me how much you appreciate my gesture, you act like I'm the bad guy. How do you expect me to feel, huh?" Megumi said angrily, his eyes locked onto yours.

Your back hit the wall. "Please don't", you cried, dropping to your knees. Megumi approached and knelt down, placing his hand on your cheek. He leaned closer, his cold green eyes looking into yours. "Tell me you love me," he whispered. "I know you do, deep down, so say it.". He brushed his fingers across your cheek, waiting for your response. You shook your head, "I-I can't", you cried even more. Megumi sighed in disappointment before grabbing you by the throat, his fingers wrapping tightly around your neck. "You're just like everyone else, always saying things that don't match your true feelings. You know you love me and yet you lie to me. Why is it so hard for you to admit?" He leaned in and whispered into your ear. "I'll give you a choice...say you love me or else". You grabbed his hand, attempting to pull it off.

The man chuckled, tightening his grip around your throat. "Ah-ah-ah, don't fight it. You're making this much harder than it needs to be," he said, his voice low and menacing. "Just say the three little words”. Your vision started to become blurry. "I...love you". Megumi smirked, his eyes lighting up at your words. He slowly loosened his grip on your throat, allowing you to breathe again. "Was that so hard, bunny?" he teased. "Now, I want you to prove it to me. Show me how much you mean those words." He forced you to your feet, handing you the knife. Megumi pointed at your lover's body. "Cut his head off", he whispered. You stared at the lifeless body, your heart beating rapidly. You hesitated, but Megumi's hand on your shoulder compelled you to move. As you approached the corpse, you stood over your dead boyfriend, sobbing. "My love", you whined. Megumi's cold breath sent shivers down your spine as he whispered into your ear, "He doesn't deserve your tears. He never loved you as much as I do. This is just the beginning of our love story, bunny”.

You held the knife tightly as you were frozen. "I can't". The man sighed in annoyance, his patience wearing thin. "You're really testing my limits. I thought you said you loved me. Do you doubt my feelings for you? Fine. If you can't do it, then let me help you." As he reached for the knife, a spark flared in your eyes. Megumi held your arm firmly, forcing it near your lover's neck. "Stop! No!", you screamed, feeling the knife cut through your boyfriend's throat. "Good girl. See? I knew you loved me more." He whispered into your ear, watching you cut off your boyfriend's head. "Now, can't you admit that you're in love with me? No one will break us apart." He chuckled, placing kisses along your neck. "Your love for me is deeper than any love you've ever felt. That's why I chose you. You're the only one I trust."

Once the job was done, you dropped the knife. "Why would you make me do that?", you asked, eyes filled with shock. "Why? Simple. We're destined to be together and your love belongs solely to me now," he said, gently brushing a strand of hair out of your face. "I did it for us. Don't you see? Your love, your soul, everything about you belongs to me now. There's no going back now, bunny. You're mine." He chuckled softly before wrapping his arms around you, holding you tightly against his chest. "Let go of me!", you shouted, pushing him away. You ran into the bedroom, locking the door behind you.

He sighed in annoyance, kicking the bedroom door hard. "You can't hide from me, bunny. You know I love you more than anything in this world." He said through the door, his voice low and firm. "But don't think locking that door will stop me. I'll break it down if I have to”. You moved away from the door, heading towards the window. "Open damnit", you gritted. As you tried opening it, you noticed it was locked. Megumi had already planned ahead, determined to keep you under his control. "Don't bother trying to escape through there." His firm voice echoed from behind the door. "You're mine, bunny. You're not going anywhere”. The sound of Megumi's banging became more frantic as he desperately wanted to get in. You looked all over the room, searching for a tool to use to break the window.

You spotted a sturdy lamp on the bedside table. With determination, you picked it up and threw it hard against the window, shattering the glass. However, before you could fully escape, a loud crash filled the room as the bedroom door gave way. Standing in the doorway, Megumi's gaze fixated on you fiercely. "You foolish girl, did you really think you could escape from me?". As you tried to escape, Megumi leaped forward, grabbing your ankle. He dragged you back into the room, his grip tight and unyielding. "You're not going anywhere. You're mine," he growls, pinning you down on the bed. "You'll never run from our love”. You tried to fight back, "Leave me alone!", you shouted. "You're crazy!".

Despite your resistance, he held you firmly in place. "You say I'm crazy? Maybe I am, but only because I'm madly in love with you. I'd do anything for you, bunny. Can't you understand that?" He leaned closer, his breath grazing your skin. "You're driving me insane. All I want is to keep you close, forever. You can't resist this connection we share”. Megumi got off you, flipping you over onto your stomach. He pinned your arms behind your back as he pulled your pants down. You felt his hard cock through his jeans. Your body squirmed all over the place. “Stop moving”, Megumi demanded. You ignored his order, not giving up.

The more you moved, the more your ass came in contact with his boner. The man’s face reddened. He loved the way your ass jiggled against his pelvis. You heard the buckling of his belt. “Megumi, please”, you begged. He pulled down his pants, resting his cock on your plumped ass. The man slowly jerked himself off. “You don’t realize how much I love you”, he groaned. He rubbed his cock against your wet folds, forcing himself inside. You gasped at the stretch. Megumi gently inserted all of his length into you. “Fuck”, he whispered. With one hard thrust, he slammed his hips into you. “Ow”, you whimpered. He grabbed hold of your hair, making you raise up just enough for him to speak beside your ear. “Tell me you love me”, he said. You kept quiet, being too distracted by him fucking you.

Megumi yanked your head back again. “Say it, bunny”, he said. “Tell me you love me”. The pain from the hair pulling made you speak. “I…love…you”, you said between each thrust he gave you. The man pushed you back onto the mattress. Megumi placed his palm in the center of your back, pinning you down again. He fucked you harder, making sure that you took every inch of him. Your walls clenched around his dick as he slid in and out of you. Your voice was high pitched as you moaned into the sheets. “M-Megumi”, you whined. Your cries went unheard as he pumped his cock into you at a faster pace. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he fucked his orgasm out. “I want you to carry my kids”, he groaned, spilling his seed into you. Megumi pulled out of you, leaving a trail of cum to leak out of your pussy. He turned you on your back, grabbing your face. He pressed his lips against yours, then whispered into your ear. “Aren’t you glad he’s dead?”.

#tw noncon #dark writing #jujutsu kaisen #jujustsu kaisen smut #jjk smut #megumi fushiguro #jjk megumi #megumi x reader #yandere megumi #yandere x reader #yandere x darling #yandere boyfriend #male yandere

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staycalmandhugaclone · 1 day

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My first "sorry, but I need to vent and will likely delete later once I've had a second to cool down" post. TW: baby stuff, animal health issues, and just generally feeling overwhelmed

Going to start by saying that I knew this wouldn't be easy and that I wouldn't change anything for the whole world. My little one and I are currently on my bench in the garden, swinging gently under a gorgeous dappled sky as I attempt to catch my breath.

These last couple days have been rough. Galen is going through one of what I'm sure will be many sleep regressions, so I'm getting a few hours sleep here and there but nowhere near enough, and he seems to have developed a couple dietary sensitivies, so I need to be even more careful and restrictive about what I eat. I have no qualms with that, of course, but it does mean several days of intense messes from both ends before that change really helps, plus making it harder for me to feed myself since most grab and go things are now off the table. So I'm constantly having to clean up myself, him, and whatever else gets caught in the crossfire, which also tends to mean changing clothes several times a day for both of us. Given the, yuh know, physical changes I've gone through, I don't have a ton of clothes that even fit right now, so I'm also doing laundry every other day.

Now let's add some more fun. Keep in mind, my hubby is already back to work full time and in the final stretch of his bachelor's degree before starting his masters, so he's insanely busy before throwing a baby into everything. Our roommate (long story short: I never wanted a roommate, but he's a friend and an honestly amazing person, though terribly naive - he was left in a desperate situation from an abusive relationship. What I thought would only be a very short stay turned into nearly 2 years while he tried to recover financially and deal with legal fallout) has a toddler half the week who has unintentionally woken my son up several times which, for those of you who've dealt with newborns, isn't great. That being said, we were thrilled that he was volunteering to babysit when I return to work. Now, however, he's suddenly moving in with a different friend the week I'm scheduled to start working again, so I'm going to have to do night shifts to avoid relying on childcare facilities. This is absolutely the right choice for him for various reasons, and I fully support his decision, but the timing is just really shitty.

And the thing that finally threatened to break me today? Pet troubles. Over the last few months, we've dealt with a few thousand dollars worth of surprise vet bills for one cat refusing to use the litter box (for which we've found no solutions and, as a last ditch effort, have just started, I shit you not, giving him antidepressants), another cat dealing with chronic ear infections (surgery and a biopsy revealed that it may be cancer, but, since this cat is almost 16, the kindest thing is to essentially assume it *is* cancer rather than do more tests, so she's on palliative care, aka hospice until quality of life becomes a concern, which may be sooner rather than later just looking at her ear last night...), and finally: a dog who suddenly had acute gland issues in an unsavory place (to offer a bit of censorship) which also required a minor surgery. Now however, she's suddenly having major incontinence issues, which the vet can't explain despite me forking out even more money for more tests (inconclusive, of course)...

Thus leads to today. My roommate accidentally woke my son up this morning before leaving for work. He then refused to sleep or even be set down afterwards, and my husband had already left for his job. Queue me juggling a tired 3 month old (if yuh know yuh know) with digestive issues, an incontinent German shepard, insurance issues with the HR gal from my work (not even going to try to get into that nightmare), and the need to *make* his bottles (again, if yuh know yuh know) which takes 30 minutes alone. So I'm holding my baby in one arm because he screams the second I put him down and mopping with the other to clean up after my dog, all while trying not to dislodge said contraption from my chest because that needs to be done on a schedule to maintain production, before I can get us ready to get to the vet for even more medication for my dog (we're assuming it's a uti even though the test was inconclusive. The urine was too diluted to tell - I'm waiting to hear back from them if they suspect potential kidney issues).

Y'all. I'm tired. I'm distraught that it looks like I'll be losing my two oldest pets before the end of the year (my cat from cancer and the German shepard from general quality of life (she's 11 and the joint issues are starting to really become an issue), and I haven't had time to do hardly anything for myself in months unless I sacrifice sleep to do it. I'm almost desperate for even a couple of hours to just sit in front of my computer. I have several half-written responses to folks on here and in Discord that I haven't been able to finish, and there's so much I want to chat about. Plus, fuuuuuck I miss writing. Do you have any idea how hard it is to write a giant smut chapter when I can only do it in tiny chucks? And I'm frothing at the bit to get on with the actual story...

Deep breath.

Apologies for the insanely long vent, but I already feel better just for having written it. The fresh air did the trick and Galen is finally asleep in his bed. My floors are clean (ish), and I might just have a couple minutes to actually eat something other than vegan protein bars or tuna salad thrown precariously on a piece of bread. Again, I don't regret a damn thing. Today, things just caught up with me a bit. I love and miss you guys ❤️

#stay calm talks #vent post #tl:dr - felt a bit overwhelmed and just needed a place to get it out #but I'm okay #adulting is hard #being a parent is hard #pets getting old is hard #but it's all worth it #i miss you guys

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dollya-robinprotector · 14 days

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I know I have a habit of always keeping things to myself… But why am I still surprised when people don’t know what I know?

#This applies to so many things in my life #this is so incredibly unhealthy #toxic even #yet i can’t help but keep doing it #and now my friends too #those who said the loudest ‘you have to talk to us if we did something you’re not comfortable with so we can come to terms’#turned out to be bottling the hugest amount of distraught then explode without warning #now everything is in pieces #and there’s nothing that could be mended anymore #thought we had something special you know #then why… why can you sabotage everything so quick and run away so fast #why you do this to us?#what were we to you?#You hurt us all and even yourself with your ego saying we don’t have to care about you #but what were we if not friends?#why?#please I can’t continue like this #I desperately aware that things will never be the same and I can never see you as the same friend I’ve known for years #but I still refuse to believe this is really happening #it’s like sand #the more I hold it the harder I clenched my hand they would still eventually fall through my fingers gaps #are we not friends?#why? Why you did it?#You said nothing and yet expect everyone to know how you feel and to sympathize with you and your reasons #I mean we could #we totally could if you just let us know just the tiniest hint you know?#so why things turned out this way?#where has the years gone?#will I ever stop grieving the past if things keep turning out like this?#what does the future hold anyway and where’s my motivation to grasp it?

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 month

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...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated

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seithr · 1 month

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Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now

(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)

(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)

Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh

#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.)#(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved)#(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.)#The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me.#All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so.#It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth #So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike.#There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars.#And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like:#He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover #And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery.#So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek #About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century!#Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but #I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name...#I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight #Armour clanking #I need an oc tag #What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference #and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶#I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶#He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER #What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶#It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶#I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶#I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER #Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...

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keratincrown · 5 months

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I'm a very silly thing that doesn't know how to talk lately. Its because of not being able to make much art after moving I guess? I do use art to say things I dont know how to say with words

#thinking is hard #saying things about those thoughts is even harder >:(#its so hard to make things lately #between art and even writing in my journal..#i just dont really feel entirely safe #being back in the old home i grew up in all over again #this is hard

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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'im gonna sleep' he lied

#snap chats #i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art #its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense #i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute #gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled #tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead #twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate #for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know #anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning #'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight #and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK #ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly #i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to #more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything #i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental #twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa #but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him #i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up #heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill #Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to #just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY #expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it #i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute #ok im pissing off fr now bye.

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piplupod · 6 months

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oh i think I'm going to throw myself into a ravine actually

#i need to . do something. idk what. everything is bad #boy i hate the feeling leading up to a meltdown #and then when it never happens u get to just edge on this feeling basically for days until u finally break #tonight was supposed to be so good. I was so set. i had my dinner plan and i was gonna watch aew #and then parents happened and the second spider of the day and i just want to tear all my skin off or something #im. so frustrated. missed all the wrestling. and my dinner is all skewed bc my routine is so fucked now. hate this #this all sounds so trivial and those parts of it are but theres other shit i dont want to mention bc i Can't Think About It rn #i just. god. fuck!!!#idk what to do lmao i am so tired i am so so tired. this is all hell #i am supposed to just let it go and move on but goddamn im upset. but im not allowed to be. supposed to just move on #not productive to be upset. cbt and everything says ur just supposed to let it all go and be fine w everything #change your thoughts :) i am not being abused i am not being fucked over :) i am fine and all i need to do is eat :)#my feelings dont matter and i have no wants :) my needs dont matter past basic survival things and even then those are flexible :)#i just need to try harder bc obviously im not trying hard enough so ignore the body and just push thru :) this is how its supposed to work!!#you got your plans you've been looking forward to for several days fucked over well too bad just move on :)#no being upset because you can just think past it :) you have to control your feelings :)#i just want to go to bed #vent /

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insanechayne · 11 months

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~ ~ ~

#I don’t want to message you a bunch of times to make you remember to talk to me #I feel like I’m annoying you every time I send you anything in the first place #I always talk too much and send too many blurbs and I feel like you barely read the things I say anyway #but I feel like sometimes the only way to get you to talk to me for more than a few minutes is to just message you a bunch of times #you said you have your notifications on so that’s why I feel like I need to do that more often #but at the same time the more I send the less you’ll actually respond to #so it’s like I want to talk to you for as long as possible but I also want you to actually reply to what I’m saying #a good 75% of what I say you don’t even acknowledge and just seem to ignore it #and maybe those things doesn’t seem necessary to reply to in your mind #but to me everything I send you is important to me and something I want to share with you and hear your thoughts on #it’s one of the few things about you that bothers me so fucking much #so I’m worried that if I message you again now you’ll just gloss over the important stuff I said in my last message #but I’m also worried that if I don’t send another thing you won’t respond to me at all until you’re about to sleep #and then I’ll barely get to talk to you at all and that will make me sad too #I just got over a depression breakdown this morning so I don’t really want to get bogged down anymore #I’m tired of the anxiety attacks and the sadness and the stress this relationship has caused me #and I’m trying to move forward with us just being good friends I really am #but when you ignore things I say that makes it that much harder to do #I don’t know I just want to talk to you more I guess and it makes me sad when we can’t talk a lot #and I know that’s just a life thing but sometimes it really kills me #so I kinda need you to be here as much as you can because I miss you and need to talk to you like I need water to live #personal

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spacelazarwolf · 5 months

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apparently a bunch of ppl on social media are trying to call for a boycott of rick riordan because of this statement in a blog post:

Becky and I are just back from a busy weekend with events at the Boston Book Festival and New York Comic-Con.

Before I get into that, however, some words to acknowledge the ongoing horrors in Israel and Gaza. As many of you may know, I am no longer on social media. My accounts post only updates on my books and related projects. I do not read posts, reply to posts, or share my thoughts about world events on those forums. That doesn’t mean I don’t have strong feelings and reactions. It means I am offline as completely as possible, except for the occasional blog post like this one.

I will say this: Over the last eighteen years, I have received many fan letters from young readers, both Israeli and Palestinian, who often told me that my books helped them escape the fear, grief and anxiety they were dealing with at the time. Some had lost family members to violence. Some were writing while in the distance they could hear explosions, gunfire, and the launching of rockets. They used my books as a way to escape into another world, where the monsters were fictional, and where demigods usually saved the day. While I am always glad that my books can help young readers find joy during difficult times, my heart breaks every time I hear about the things they have to deal with. I am grief-stricken by the horrific events now unfolding, especially because I know that they are part of a long historic pattern that has been robbing too many children of their childhood and perpetuating hatred for far too long.

I am also quite aware that when anyone, myself included, tries to speak about this issue, the reader is waiting to pounce, thinking, “Yes, but whose side are you on?” That is exactly the wrong question. If there are two sides to this issue, those sides are not Palestinian/Israeli or Muslim/Jewish. The two sides are humanitarian and dehumanizing. Dehumanizing has a long evil history. It is appealing and easy to buy into, because humans are tribal animals. We are hardwired to think in terms of ‘us’ versus ‘them.’ We are the real humans, the good guys, the ones with God on our side. Those other people are evil monsters who don’t deserve empathy. Hate mongers have thrived on dehumanizing for as long as there have been humans. It provides them with a purpose, a way to rally support, power, and scapegoats. It is easy to point to atrocities committed by our enemies, while justifying or minimizing the atrocities committed by ourselves or our allies.

Humanitarianism is a much harder sell. It requires us to empathize, to see other groups of people as equally deserving of dignity and quality of life. It requires not always putting ourselves and our needs first. But in the long run, humanitarianism is our only hope. If violence could end violence, if we could put an end to “those other people” once and for all, human history would read very differently than it does.

So yes, I am appalled by the Hamas attacks on Israeli civilians. I am appalled by the suffering of Palestinian civilians in Gaza. Both things can be true. Both things must be true. My thoughts are with all the people who have died, who have lost loved ones, who have had their worlds and their lives shattered, especially the children. More death and violence will not break this cycle, which has been going on for generations. There is no military solution. Even since I first wrote the post, only twenty-four hours ago, the Israeli government’s brutal retaliation against the entire population of Gaza has reached genocidal proportions. This is not only an atrocity. It is folly. Answering misery with misery only creates more fertile ground for extremism, dehumanizing the “other side,” letting hate mongers thrive, stay in power, and reduce us all to our most monstrous impulses. The only real solution is treating each other like equally worthy human beings, and negotiating a peace that allows all parties a chance to live in security and dignity, with hopes for a future that does not include bombs and rockets and gunfire. This means security and support for Israel, yes. It also means a secure Palestine which is allowed to get the international aid and recognition it needs to build a viable state.

Do I think that will happen? Unfortunately, no. Humans are simply too selfish, too ready to blame “the other” for all their problems, too ready to dehumanize, though I also believe, perhaps paradoxically, that most people just want to live their lives in peace and have a chance for their children to have a brighter future. The problem is when we don’t allow other people to have those same hopes and dreams — when it becomes a false choice of us versus them.

What can I do? I will continue to write books that I hope will give young readers some joy. I will resist the urge to demonize entire groups of people. I will call for less violence, not more violence. And when asked whose side I am on, I will tell you I am on the side of humanitarianism.

So with that said, I return to the world of books . . .

honestly, if you have a problem with this statement, it’s probably because he’s talking about you. this is exactly what legitimate activists (as in not just random westerners who share social media posts but on-the-ground activists who are doing real work) have been saying for decades. and i think all this really speaks to just how disconnected a lot of westerners who claim to be pro palestinian are from those activists.

if you can’t read a statement that says “i am on the side of humanitarianism and less violence” without immediately jumping to cancel them, you are the problem being discussed in the above statement.

#ip

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kindnessoverperfection · 10 months

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Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

#actuallynpd #signal boost #actuallyautistic #mental health awareness #narcissistic personality disorder #people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias #(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar #mentally ill or otherwise ND)#the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there'#no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo #anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that #he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful #misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included #several personality disorders. one of which was NPD.#and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and #he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he #was glad he did #fun times #or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to #support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma #bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me #trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them.#again..... fun times

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