#probably tmi on the whole but i read this one a few days ago when my anxiety thoughts were being a pain

[mikaleialt]

Ride It!| Bada Lee

Bada Lee x Reader

Fluff, suggestive, smut, drabble

Synopsis: In a random instagram live, your newly found fans after SWF 2, started asking you random questions about what do you think of each team leaders. For a quick background, you are one of the team leaders in SWF 2, but sadly your team got eliminated after the Crew Battle Mission, after getting defeated by Mannequeen on the elimination round along with Wolf'lo and Lady Bounce.

C/w: based off of this post by @westwoodsvivi. Honestly I just wrote this to finally end my writer's block as I have been gone for more than a month now.

Street Woman Fighter 2 is finally over and although your team didn't make it to the top 4, you still continued to support the other teams until the end, especially when the winner of SWF 2 is the team leaded by your girlfriend.

And now here you are, preparing for the On the Stage concert. All of the teams are in one place again, practicing the dance routines they've performed during SWF 2.

You were finally on break and some of the dancers of each team started goofing around with each other, filming tiktok dances together with Redy who seem to just stand in the background of every video. You laugh at how Redy looks like a lost child standing behind Che Che, Debby, and Yoonji as the trio dance.

Bored in your own world you decided to set up your phone as you sat in the corner of the studio, and finally hit the 'Go live' button after getting permission from the staffs who told you that it is fine as long as you don't spoil anything about the concert.

Viewers immediately flooded the comments and you tried your best to greet everyone. The viewer count goes up by the second.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii 🤎"

"OMG Y/NNNNN 🥹"

"Hi from 🇦🇱"

"Ano ba tayo, Y/n 😩 (what are we, Y/n)"

You read each comments from fans greeting you, to trying to make you say a phrase in their language, to asking you how you have been.

"I'm doing good, as you all know, we're preparing for the upcoming concert. We're actually on a break right now and everyone is doing their own thing. And here I am, in my own space." You picked up your camera as you show the empty dance practice room that you are in right now.

"Honestly, I got bored during our break so I went live" you chuckled. "Everyone has been really busy these days, and I miss talking to you guys." You sent the viewers a flying kiss, which made the comment section go wild.

"AAAAAAHHHH"

"EXCUSE ME⁉️⁉️"

"THAT KISS WAS DEFINITELY FOR ME"

You immediately got embarrassed as you are not used to giving out fan service or acting cute for other people. You give it a few seconds for the fans to finally calm down once again.

"Hmm, there's still much time until we go back to practicing again, what should I do? What do you guys think?" You read the comments once again as each viewers suggest something for you to do. After a few more minutes you finally settled to do a Q and A.

"What is today's TMI?" You read one of the comments as you ponder to yourself what could you share to your viewers . "Hmm, today I arrived at the studio crying because I was watching that one video of that kid from My Golden Kid." You giggled. "It was a very sad clip, I was crying the whole time while I was on my way here."

A few more question pops up after that and you tried your best to answer each one. "Who do you find attractive among the SWF 2 leaders?" You read another question.

"Me, of course" you flip your hair sassily before laughing to yourself. "No, in all honesty, it's gotta be Kirsten or Bada. They're both really charismatic." You answered.

"What part of them do you find attractive?" You read the follow up question.

"For Kirsten, it's probably her hips. I'm not gonna lie, when I saw Kirsten dance for the first time, my whole attention was on her hips..." you shyly admit to your viewers.

"...as for Bada... I really like her nose" you said without any explanation as memories from a few nights ago came back to you.

♡⑅*˖•. ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .•˖*⑅♡

"A-ahh Bada" your breath staggers as you move your hips, grinding your wet core on your girlfriend's face.

It was the night after BEBE won SWF 2 and you told Bada that you'll do whatever she asks for if they win, which leads you to the situation that you are in right now.

Bada's only wish from you as a reward is for you to sit on her face as she eats you out, which you did without any hesitation.

"That's it ride my face, baby" Bada speak against your pussy as she continues to eat it like a starved man.

You couldn't help but moan louder as your clit presses on the tip of Bada's nose. You continue to grind your puffy clit against it, each movement makes you shiver, as your girlfriend's tongue fucks your cunt relentlessly.

"I-I'm gonna—hah" your eyes roll to the back of your head as the pleasure in your stomach builds up. "Yeah that's it, come for me baby" Bada said as she continues to eat you out.

Soon, a loud moan escapes from your lips as you finally had your release. Your legs were shaking as Bada continues to lap up your juices, each movement of her head under you, the tip of her nose touches your clit.

"So good to me baby, can you give me one more?" Bada sucks on your clit before diving back again into fucking your cunt with her tongue...

♡⑅*˖•. ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .•˖*⑅♡

"Ok let's get back to work" Funky Y announces as she enters the room which snaps you back to reality.

"So yeah anyway, that would be all. See you at the On the Stage concert everyone. Byeeee" You immediately pressed the 'End live' button, before putting down your phone.

"Oh Y/n, so you're here all along" The rest of the dancers enter the room one by one.

"Unnie, why is your face so red?" Sowoen pointed out your face. To which made you turn red even more. The whole time you are reminiscing about that night, you were blushing like crazy.

"It's nothing, I was just feeling hot." You excused yourself, but little do you know, a certain someone was actually watching your live earlier.

Bada approached you as she whispers something to your ears.

"So you like me nose huh, why don't you ride my face again once we got home?"

A/n: it's been a while omg, I missed writing. I'm slowly regaining my motivation to write again finally!!! I hope you like it, sorry if its not as good as you guys thought it would be. This is just a quick drabble to finally break my writer's block, I did not proofread this.

#bada lee fanfic #bada lee x reader #bada x reader #bada lee x y/n #swf2 x reader #bada lee imagines #bada lee smut #bada lee #bada lee fluff #bada lee imagine #bada lee x fem reader #lee bada x reader #swf #Spotify

[doloresandfriendsandstuff]

TMI Tuesday! What lead you to Christ?

OOOO! I really like this one! It can be a simple answer and a complicated one depending on how I say it...

I grew up in a mostly Christian household and was witness to some miracles throughout my life. The list of what I've personally experienced can go on (and to be honest, some reading this may find it pretty stupid or illogical), and while I can't possibly list every single thing I've experienced supernaturally or through faith, I can list a few things! Get ready, cuz I'm gonna get into story-mode!

When I was about 4 years old, I lived in a house that was nearby a wooded area, but was separated by a big, dry weed field. It was wildfire season, and the wooded area had caught on fire and was headed to the field and our house. I remember the firefighters coming to take care of it, and my mom rushing me to my bedroom so I wouldn't see all the drama. But as I was headed there, I stopped by the windowsill and peeked my nose over the edge to look outside in the backyard, where the fire was happening a ways off. There, standing in the field, I saw a VERY tall individual dressed in pure white, glowing white, standing straight up, with a large sword in each hand by their side. They had this stern and serious look on their face. They turned their head towards our house, and towards the fire. That was an angel. And he was sent to protect us. And then my mom rushed me into my room, none the wiser of what I saw, until years later when I remembered and told her.

When I was in my early or mid 20s, a few years ago, I got to experience an angel (or the Holy Spirit) hugging me from behind in a church I didn't normally visit, but had made myself build up the courage to go to after not having gone to church at all for years due to severe social anxiety. They had a guest speaker that day, and I don't remember who he was, but he had somehow said something that allowed the Holy Spirit to make Himself known in the building. I was sitting at a pew, by myself. The one behind me was completely empty. As soon as that guest speaker asked the Holy Spirit to come over the church, I felt these two large, strong arms hug me from behind, like they belonged to someone who was very tall and was crouching down to hug me while I sat. It wasn't exactly physical, but it felt physical, but also in a spiritual sense. It's not something I can easily explain. But when I felt that embrace, I cried... It told me that God still saw me as someone worth loving and having a relationship with, no matter my past or present. I just needed to be open to Him... To be hugged by an angel...or perhaps the Holy Spirit... That is something I genuinely want EVERYONE to feel, because it is the most amazing experience.

Then there's my husband. <3 Ever since I was little, I felt it in my soul that I was supposed to marry someday. But, seeing so much divorce and heartache throughout life, as well as a cycle of self-hatred, can make receiving a lifelong best friend/significant other feel next to impossible. This story can be...the LONGEST one I'll EVER share if I go into every single little detail. I SWEAR, if I could write down EXACTLY EVERYTHING that lead to this miracle I now have with my beloved that God so graciously gave to me, I would probably be able to fill up a novel or more. The important thing to know is...there is absolutely NO WAY I would be living the life I do now, with the man that I love, had he and I not leaned on the Lord the whole way through. GOD made this marriage possible when we believed it to be impossible and, quite frankly, couldn't even begin to comprehend it. @fractiouslemonofficial, my husband, is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. And I love him so dearly. God has literally given me a miracle husband. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

#chrono #important #angels #miracles #christian #christianity #jesus christ

[sidshypotheticalife]

lets talk about the movie before sunrise before i started to pull myself in to the trilogy

my summary: my first ever glance to this movie was probably on tiktok, and it screams basic, like literally. i have no fucking idea ab hows the actual whole story of the movie, i have no thoughts, no interest, not invested. but THAT VERY PARTICULAR EDIT makes my hopeless romantic instinct sparkles and all i know is two days ago, i was watching it. fuck the basic, fuck on being overrated. this movie brings me back alive.

i know romance movies are whatever they call cringe nowadays. but THIS MOVIE gave me most emotions i cant specifically tell by words. it just gain my standards in half good and some bad ways. i am always so amused by some kind of love story that digs love into different forms and terms, romanticizing it as if it is what it is.

by all the means i always wanted to me in a monogamous relationship with whoever it is lucky enough to be mine one day. and of course an intimacy within a proper amount of the liberty of being annoying, talking too much, tmis, being ugly, having full-faced makeup, switching aspirations, telling stories, and stuff. being not afraid of having some moment of silence, being not afraid of losing your temper, being not afraid of not having any subject to talk about.

celine and jesse have that kind of intimacy. celine and jesse OWN that. its their signature. thats what i envy and adore so much. they have an extremely healthy pack of trust and respect, so for whatever it takes, you'll never have any problem being you anymore, ill never have any problem being me anymore, its like the saying you're my best friend part of the song 'you are in love' by taylor swift. its like having yourself a home when you finally get to throw away all those guilts, all the fakes, all the imitations, all the lies, and just being told secondhandedly that you can be whatever you prefer to be now, you're safe here with me.

my favorite lines:

celine: have you ever heard that as couples get older they lose their ability to hear each other? supposedly men lose their ability to hear higher-pitched sounds and women eventually lose hearing on the low end. i guess they sort of nullify each other or something. jesse: must be nature’s way of allowing couples to grow old together and not kill each other, i guess.

jesse: that’s what i like about traveling - you can sit down, maybe talk to someone interesting, see something beautiful, read a good book, and that’s enough to qualify a good day. you do that at home and everyone thinks you’re a bum. celine: i like that though. but its like my favorite American writers. they describe everything you wouldn’t want to live through, and yet you cannot stop reading of this exciting, boring life.

celine: i kind of had this obsession a few years ago about creating a new form of expression. it was of course an abstract and lost quest, but i was feeling all art forms seemed used up. i was especially rejecting words. they seemed so rusted and dirty. and they’ve been used for such evil ends. sometimes, you know, language is so limited. its like… if you think about it… this is an individuals mental experience and perception and… this is how much can be expressed through language. we just don’t have words for so many of the impressions we have. so most of our life we will never be able to express to anyone.

celine: i'd say to my dad i wanted to be a writer and he’d say journalist. i'd say i wanted to have a refuge for stray cats and he’d say veterinarian. i'd say i wanted to be an actress and he’d say TV newscaster. it was this constant conversion of my fanciful ambitions into practical moneymaking ventures.

celine: if you have parents that never fully contradict anything you want to do and are basically nice and supportive, it makes it harder to officially complain. even when they are wrong. its this passive aggressive shit. i can’t stand it.

celine: i think i am afraid of death twenty-four hours a day. thats why im on the train. i could have flown to Paris. im just afraid of flying. even though statistics say its safer, i cant help it. when im sitting in a plane, i already can see an explosion, me falling through the clouds. im so afraid of the few seconds of consciousness before dying. i mean, when you know for sure you’re gonna die. i cant help anticipating the worst. like, i was in the park with this friend of mine. there were little kids playing around. this mother was throwing her child up in the air. my friend was smiling and thought it was so wonderful, and all i could think of was her dropping it. i could already see all the blood on the ground. the big panic, the mother crying… i think like this all the time. its exhausting.

celine: i think people go to places like Venice on their honeymoon to make sure they are not going to fight for the first two weeks of their marriage because they’ll be too busy looking around at all the beautiful things. thats what people call a romantic place somewhere where the prettiness with contain your primary violent instinct. a real good honeymoon spot would be like somewhere in New Jersey.

celine: i hate being told by strange men to smile, just to make them feel better about their stupid lives. i hate that three hundred kilometers away a war is going on. people are dying. and nobody knows what to do about it. i hate how the media tries to control our minds. its a new form of very subtle fascism. and i hate in a foreign country each time i wear black or lose my temper or express an opinion about anything, everyone always goes: “oh, its so French, its so cute.” oh, i hate that.

jesse: it seems like a lot of people are talking about past lives and all that. and even if you dont believe in that in a specific way, most people have some notion of an eternal soul, right? anyway, my thought was, if we all have our origins at the beginning of human history in some way, where did all the current souls come from? the earth’s population fifty thousand years ago was not even a million people. ten thousand years ago, it was only a few million. now, the earth’s population is between five and six billion. thats about a five-thousand-to-one split of each soul in just the last fifty thousand years, which is just a blip in the earth’s time. at best, we’re just a tiny fraction of a soul. is that why we all feel so scattered?

celine: oh, here she is. this is the one i remember the most. she was thirteen when she died. that meant something to me because i was that age when i saw this. now im ten years older and she’s still… thirteen, i guess.

celine: why does everyone think conflict is so bad? good things can come out of conflict.

homeless poet: daydream delusion, limousine eyelash oh baby with your pretty face, drop a tear in my wineglass look at those big eyes on your face, see what you mean to me sweet cakes and milk shakes im a delusion angel, im a fantasy parade i want you to know what i think, dont want you to guess anymore you have no idea where i came from we have no idea where we’re going lodged in life like branches in a river flowing downstream caught in the current ill carry you you carry me that’s how it could be don’t you know me? don’t you know me by now?

celine: no, but it’s my biggest fear. to be one of those people with that sort of academic, liberal, detached view of everything. that whole attitude has nothing to do with really living. jesse: who's to say what’s really living?

celine: whats that Thomas Mann quote? “i would rather participate in life than write a hundred stories.”

celine: i always feel like im observing my life instead of living it. at my grandfather’s funeral, even though i loved him, it seemed everyone else was mourning and i was too busy observing them; each of them was like a paragraph of a book i might write someday, describing every emotion in detail. jesse: i know. i remember when i was younger listening to my parents fight and feeling like i was in an after-school special on TV. thinking i should act moody, or depressed. i should steal some cigarettes and sunglasses, get caught, and then blame it on the fact that i come from a troubled home. celine: yeah, i think im always so much more happy with books and movies and stuff. i think i get more excited about well-done representations of life than life itself.

liz: no matter how empty the world seemed, no matter how degraded and used up the world appeared to be, anything was still possible.

celine: when you start talking about women and men, there’s no end. jesse: i know - its a skipping record. people have been trying to figure it out for millenniums. every artist has tried their hand at it… celine: and no one’s come up with anything.

the whole phone call scene :) i mean who doesnt add it as an ultimate favorite (im too lazy to type it all down)

jesse: see that guy? we'll never see him again. that was the one moment our lives intersect. celine: i always wonder about things like that. like, think of the bag he is carrying. i wonder what is in it. if you think he’s carrying a bomb to blow up the opera because he failed his audition for Don Juan, then his serious expression becomes this angry, vicious face. but if you imagine in his bag is a present for his young, dying wife, then he becomes this poor, sympathetic character who you want to give a big hug to.

celine: its a beautiful thing. i like the idea of dance as being a common function of life, something that everyone participates in.

celine: i really believe that if there’s any kind of god, he wouldn’t be in any one of us - not you, not me - but just this space in between. if there’s some magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone else, sharing something, even if it’s almost impossible to succeed. but who cares - the answer must be in the attempt.

celine: when you talked earlier about after a few years how a couple would begin to hate each other by anticipating their reactions or getting tired of their mannerisms, i think it would be the opposite with me. i think i can fall in love when i know everything about him - how he’s going to part his hair, or what shirt he’s going to wear that day, knowing the exact story he would tell in a given situation. im sure that’s when i'd know im really in love.

[kimabutch]

Don’t reblog!

I forgot to post my 16 week T update last week, so have an uhhhh almost-17-weeks-on-T update! 

I got a blood test a few weeks ago, and apparently my T levels are in the normal range for a cis man, which is pretty cool! HRT is really super neat.

I’m fairly sure my butt is shrinking more, and may I say: thank goodness and good riddance. My jeans are definitely fitting differently — I think I’m the same size, but I hit them in slightly different places. And I’m glad of it. 

I get the impression I’m passing as a man more, particularly by the way that men I don’t know (especially those my age) treat me. Beyond the “sorry, man” or referring to me with he/him pronouns, there’s generally a sense of either indifference or casual geniality that’s not quite the same as before. It’s hard to explain, and honestly, I’m not great at reading people, so I could be wrong. But I do think my changing voice helps, particularly when I pitch it as low as it can currently go.

(I’m honestly pretty happy to be read as a man by strangers. I wouldn’t want friends or partners to think of me as a man anymore than I’d like them to think of me as a woman, but I’ve made my peace with 99%+ of strangers identifying people as "man” or “woman,” and if I had to pick one for me, it’d probably be “man.” Though I fully accept that I’ll probably always get people reading me as either on depending on the context.)

Speaking of my voice, I’ve been returning to church post-pandemic and! I can sing some of the lower parts!!! This is so big for me, and makes my heart just swell. I’ve wanted to do this since I hit puberty. I’m not a good singer, mind you, and probably never will be. It just feels really, really good. 

(Honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot about my transition in a spiritual context, and I might share some of my thoughts here at some point, but not now. It’s a pretty vulnerable topic, for obvious reasons, and I’d like to pick my words correctly. That being said, if you’re trans or have Gender Feelings and ever want to talk about the (good/positive) connections between being trans and spirituality/faith, please DM me! Can’t promise I’ll reply right away, but I’d love to talk to others about it.)

Oh, and some TMI/NSFW & menstrual stuff under the cut.

My period went away for a full 50 days but has come back with a vengeance — aka, stomach, back, & chest tissue pain. But the fact that it was away for so long is probably good? 

I know I spoke about this last time, but gosh, do I love my bottom growth. Like. Not to be crude but every little while I think I have a dick!!! cause although it’s small, in many ways it functions similarly to one. And that’s great by me — it feels perfect for me. I feel like I can explore whole new aspects of my sexuality that I never could before. 

No sudden attraction to men, though, which is something I’ve heard anecdotally can happen on T. Just as much “oh god please never again” as always when I think of being with a dude, even with my increased horniness. Not that there would be anything wrong with my sexuality shifting to include men, but I’m kind of relieved that for now, at least, I don’t need to re-evaluate my identity again. 

#second puber t #about me

[magnus-the-maqnificent]

Let's Analyze - Alec in CoFA

So, I’ve been seeing plenty of discourse on two of my mutual’s blogs about this topic… so I thought I’d sit down and write another analysis post about my beloved Alec Lightwood cause people are still giving him shit for a book that came out ten years ago 🤦‍♀️

This is gonna be in two parts, and I'm putting both under the cut:

PART 1 - ALEC’S INSECURITIES 

So, the first part - how Alec’s insecurities drove him to saying stupid things in CoFA

A quick disclaimer - I’m NOT blaming Alec alone for his and Magnus’s break up. What happened was pretty complicated, and the blame cannot be put on one person alone. 

That said, let’s start with Magnus and Alec’s early ‘official’ relationship, in trsom.

These scenes are taken from only the first part of the book, but I’m pretty sure they’re more than enough to get a sense of Alec’s insecurities and all the chinks in their relationship. Throughout the entirety of trsom, we see more bits and pieces of Alec’s insecurities about Magnus’s sexuality, and his past and all the people he might have known - and that’s okay! Insecurities happen, cause brains are stupid like that.

But all of Alec’s insecurities could’ve been laid to rest with a simple conversation. But the conversation never happens. Magnus tends to deflect and change the topic every single time his past is brought up. I understand Magnus’s reasons for hiding his past, of course, but it doesn’t help his relationship with Alec. Magnus hiding a good chunk of his past will inevitably lead to Alec questioning himself - why is he so secretive? Why is he not telling me anything? Does he not trust me? ...and so on.

And when Alec is already feeling insecure in this relationship, this happens - (sorry about the terrible cropping btw)

And then later, while Magnus is talking to Camille,

Now… when people are insecure about something, they get irked at the smallest of things. I’m saying this as an insecure person myself. So now, you've got Alec, who's insecure as fuck, and his vacation with the person he loves got cut short by his ex who refuses to talk to anyone but him, and when they get there, his lover and his lover's ex seem to have obvious chemistry, he gets hit with the reality that his lover has dated several, probably even hundreds of people before him; and he has to leave them alone in a room so they can talk, and then he hears the ex basically just list all his shortcomings - i.e, his mortality, his appearance is compared to some random dead guy (sorry, Will) whom your lover had a crush on, which is just weird, and when you've had enough and open the door, it's to see your lover and his ex, standing close as fuck, and he's! touching! her! face! and! looking! into! her! eyes!

*takes a sip of water* yeahhhh... Alec was straight up having a bad day.

And at this point, a) Alec is still in his first relationship. He didn't get to navigate romance when he was younger, and while there's nothing wrong with that, there weren't exactly cutesy presentations titled 'how to keep your relationships healthy' floating around the internet. Heck, he didn’t know the internet. He didn't know that he had to communicate with Magnus, and it doesn't help that boy avoids conversations about feelings like the plague. And b) at this point, Alec would be facing several negative emotions - insecurity, obviously. Hurt. Helplessness, because of his mortality. Fear, that he might not live up to Magnus’s past lovers. Jealousy at seeing Magnus and Camille so close.

Negative emotions like these often tend to show up as anger or sorrow... and in Alec’s case, that would be anger. Which leads us to THIS- (🙈)

*sighs in second-hand embarrassment*

*drinks more water*

*this is gonna be so hard aksjakak*

So. Alec dealt with his insecurities... by being a mean, mean bitch to Magnus :/

Let's break this scene down, slowly, bit by bit.

First, Alec cuts into a conversation between Magnus and Jordan, when Magnus mentions Woolsey Scott, followed the rest of that particular page. To Alec, he's just a figure from Magnus’s past, and a possible lover, though in Alec’s defense Woolsey Scott WAS Magnus’s lover. This is the first instance that we see in which Alec lashes out at Magnus. It seems like he's trying to make a point to Magnus - "I don't know anything about your past, and so I don't know who you've had romances with, but I want to know." Except he makes his point in the worst way possible and ends up slutshaming Magnus.

The "What's true?" line, in response to Jordan saying "so it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" is pretty obvious. Alec is clearly not liking the idea that this random werewolf might know about warlocks, and in particular, his Warlock boyfriend.

Next... ooh boy... Alec basically snaps and in the next few paragraphs accuses Magnus of wanting to flirt with others which... is not a good look on ya honey 😕. These lines are the ones that get him accused of being biphobic... but is he really? I'm gonna talk about that in part 2.

So, in the first paragraph, where Alec makes the comments about Jordan, I find his choice of words pretty... interesting, seeing as 'messy-haired', 'broad-shouldered' and 'chiseled-good-looks' are all used to describe Alec in the series. Not sure if its relevant, but definitely interesting.

And in the next one, where Alec says, "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" The 'apparently' makes me curious. In rsom, Alec mentions that he's only recently heard of the term bisexual, and there's plenty of time between rsom and cofa, so Alec should be absolutely sure of atleast the basic meaning of bisexuality. But I'm pretty sure it's just inconsistency on cc's part, since if rsom didn't exist, this book would be the first time Alec learns about Magnus’s bisexuality. (Which is obvious when you look at the scene after Magnus reveals that Camille is his girlfriend.) And as for the second sentence, I feel like it's a fallback to earlier in the book when Magnus says (I'm just gonna write the dialogue from memory), "I've dated men, women, warlocks, faeries, vampires, werewolves and even a djinn or two." Here, Alec is angry, and he takes the knowledge that Magnus has dated a variety of people and once again, lashes out.

Looking at all of it together, Alec’s insecurities are definitely a factor in all of this. We know Alec has pretty low self esteem in tmi, and he keeps having irrational thoughts about someone else grabbing Magnus’s attention, like in the trsom scene I've posted above. And he ends up taking out his insecurities on Magnus.

Was it wrong of Alec to say all those things to Magnus? Yes, absolutely. But looking back through all his scenes in cofa, it's easy to see how he could've fallen into the pit trap of emotions.

And before anyone says "but it wasn't addressed in the later books", it was, in CoLS. I’ve hit the image limit, so I'm just gonna type it out -

"[Magnus] said it would be better if he didn’t come. Apparently him and the Seelie Queen have some kind of history."

Isabelle raised her eyebrows.

"Not that kind of history," Alec said irritably. "Some kind of feud. Though," he added, half under his breath, "the way he got around before me, I wouldn't be surprised."

"Alec!" Isabelle dropped back to talk to her brother....

So, there. Alec makes yet another slutshaming comment, Isabelle overhears and is clearly not happy about it, and it's clearly implied that she talks to Alec about it. And Alec doesn't make any more slutshaming comments since then. Boy now knows what he did was wrong, and makes sure not to repeat it again.

Although, I do wish we had more than this. I wish we had more of Magnus and Alec talking about this argument, heck, even about all their arguments and the reasons they broke up, but you can't get everything you want, apparently :(

And now onto the next part...

PART 2 - IS ALEC BIPHOBIC?

The short answer, uh, no, not really.

The long answer.... would be complicated.

So, back in the day, when this discourse was at an all time high, I remember reading a bisexual person's essay about this topic, and they said that this comment from Alec - "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" - would be a biphobic microagression.

According to Google, a microagression is "a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority".

And in Alec's case, IF his words were biphobic, they were completely unintentional. They were microagressive. Which is... still bad, of course, but it's more complicated than that.

If you look back on Alec's supposedly biphobic statements, they're more about Magnus’s hypersexuality and promiscuity than anything else. Yes, even the line i mentioned like two paragraphs ago. At first glance it may seem like a direct attack on Magnus’s sexuality, but think over the explanation I gave for the line and it will make sense. And a lot of people know that the whole 'bi people fuck around a lot and are cheaters' thing is a stereotype.

Now, it may seem like I'm going off topic here, but bear with me. I couple of days ago, I watched this video by chance. (Tw for the aids crisis and lots of biphobia, not from the narrator, if you wanna watch the video). Basically, back in the 1980s, bisexual men were scapegoated for spreading aids to the straight community and were vilified by popular media as being promiscuous scepters who would cheat on their wives with gay men and then give aids to their wives. (Yikes 😬). And since bisexuality was practically unheard of before all this (several bisexual activists have stated that all this shit, though unfortunate, pulled bisexuality out of the closet), it's safe to assume that this is how those stereotypes came to be - through 1980s propaganda.

But living with this propaganda is... a very limiting experience. The people who leaned and unlearned and fought against this propaganda are mostly US Americans who grew up with it, either the actual propaganda itself or passed down by their parents. But like I said, it's a very limiting experience. US is but one country out of many, and even for those living in the USA there's a chance that they grew up in a very hush-hush environment. People who grew up hearing all these stereotypes will see it as biphobia, while people who didn't - like Alec, and me, and several other people will not. A lot of people grow up with absolutely no knowledge of the queer community, and chances are that they'll be incredibly confused when a stereotype is pointed out to them, and they often get no more explanation than 'this is a harmful stereotype'. Queer experiences aren't the same for everyone, and while I respect the people who see this as biphobia, they should recognize that there are many people who won't see it that way.

I have seen bisexual people say that Alec's words were biphobic, and I've also seen bisexual people say that they weren't. Thus, there is no clear consensus about whether or not Alec was being biphobic. And like I said earlier, Alec grew up far, far away from mundane anti-queer bigotry. He was essentially a clean slate when it came to knowledge of eer microagressions of any kind, because microagressions and stereotypes are often incredibly specific, don't have anything to do with a person's race/sexuality/gender, etc. and will make zero sense unless you know the history behind them. To Magnus, who lived through the anti-bisexual scapegoating, the words would've definitely stung, but Alec didn't even know the implications he would be making with this words! Of course, the impact is greater than intention, and I imagine Magnus would sit Alec down one day and talk about all this history with him.

And idk if I can even blame cc cause the history of bisexual men is RARELY ever talked about, atleast on the internet.

Also, this scene in cofa is the only instance where he can be interpreted to be biphobic. Nowhere else in all of tmi, and even tec, do we see Alec express hatred or disgust or microagression towards bisexual people. If this was seen in a repeating pattern from Alec, one could argue that he's biphobic... but he isn't. Some might point to some of his internal thoughts in trsom to argue otherwise, but I believe that actions are superior than thoughts.

There's also the thing about unlearning prejudices, but in Alec's case there was hardly anything to be unlearned. The only prejudices he did pick up on were against himself, through vague homophobic comments from Robert.

P.S if you've read this far, I am legally entitled to compensation for thinking of cofa Alec for 48 hours. Put your favorite Alec moments in my askbox cause I wanna focus on his good side now. 😎

But yeah, the main thing here is that Alec has grown from his mistakes, apologized, and hasn't repeated this behavior at all.

And lastly, I just wanted to add - I don't think all this was unintentional on the author's part. She's grown up with the us American queer community, and has mentioned that she has bisexual friends, who have no doubt faced prejudices because of these stereotypes. I think she was trying to condemn making such statements, but a lot of people don't read between the lines and end up misinterpreting it and make both the character and her to be biphobic.

So... TLDR; was what Alec said biphobic? Maybe. It depends on who you're talking to. Is Alec, as a person, biphobic? Nope. Not at all. 😌

#this took WAYYYYY too long #im gonna go lay down for a while now #peace out #alec lightwood #magnus bane #malec #tmi #tec #tsc #meta #tsc meta #discourse #idk what else to tag hnnnng #i just hope i did this topic justice aksjakaksk #also idk what person needs to hear this #but im a bisexual person talking about bisexual issues #im not the authority on this obviously but if anyone pulls the 'i don't like this post so imma pull the OP is a straight person card' #imma SLAP you #😤😤😤 #laks analyses

[ladyhindsight]

I remember that when I read City of Glass years and years ago, I felt so... underwhelmed?

I had been waiting to see Alicante, and then... Alicante simply did not feel like a city.

It felt like a little village with the Pinehollow house, a few other buildings like the prison, and then a few mansions in the countryside (which are not even Alicante, anyway lol).

I know that it's supposedly a huge city with towers and countless buildings and weapon shops and whatnot, but it doesn't FEEL that way, you know?

The "city" felt so empty and impersonal. Until you mentioned Isabelle seeing a woman being slayed in the streets, I honestly forgot that Alicante was NOT an abandoned place.

No, we are fully expected to believe that Alicante is filled with people aka the stakes are SO high see I'm a good writer I kill innocents!

I legit was convinced that the only people in the city were Luke's pack, Magnus, and a few Shadowhunters + the protagonists and Valentine and his men lol

Can "white room syndrome" apply to a whole city?

But I see that this is a common problem with Clare's writing.

In TMI New York could have been any other city; in TDA Los Angeles could have been any other city, etc. She focuses so much on characters' thoughts, on telling rather than showing and on useless descriptions because everything must sound deep and detailed when it comes to melodrama and miscommunication... that I get no sense of where the action takes place.

The settings could be interchangeable.

From a URBAN fantasy, I expect the urban factor to have some personality, almost be a character in and of itself.

Her series are soooo disappointing, especially because I'm European and I'm fascinated by big US cities. But literally nothing in her writing makes me feel like I AM in a big US city, or gives me an idea of what the cities ARE like (I can google pictures just fine, so I don't care about what they look like... but I would like to know what they feel like, particularly to "artsy" Clary and "literature lover" Tessa).

Besides name dropping a few key places (like Brooklyn in TMI or Blackfriars Bridge in TID), the story could be set literally anywhere in the world.

((Also Alicante is the name of a city in Spain '-'... so in Spain they had to change the name to Alecante 🤦‍♀️. Not all editions in Spanish have this edit, I think, because South Americans probably don't know about Spanish Alicante lol))

Oh, good. It wasn’t just me who had this very same problem. There’s plenty of descriptions of the city and the countryside, but I never got the feeling of city. I always imagined a mixture of Florence and Venice when I imagined what Alicante looked like, but even as I have stared down at Florence and Santa Maria del Fiore from San Miniato al Monte (which opens such a beautiful view of the city), I never managed to imagine Alicante being anything close to similar in size or anything. And I suppose my personal image of Alicante only stems from anything familiar I can attach to the descriptions about it.

In City of Glass, when Jace leaves to track Sebastian, it is told that it took six hours for Clary and him to return to Alicante from the Wayland Manor, but with the super horse Wayfarer the journey will only take two hours. That’s a long way to go either way, and yet the place still feels far more smaller.

What struck me as odd about the people in Alicante is that they are all supposed to be Shadowhunters (and I get that kids are no way near ready to be such warriors), and as they are raised to be such soldiers to fight against demons, it was weird how the book described people screaming, running around in panic, and then dying. No one fought. Not even the elderly, which I get, too, in a way. But at the end of the day, all of these people are the Nephilim, and something about that didn’t sit right with me. It’s like trying to raise the stakes higher by having people panic and die but at the same time with the cost of the image you’ve tried to build of the Shadowhunters as angelic warrior race of men.

And that everyone else was at the Gard? The whole city full of adults from age 18 to like 60-65? What is even considered elderly in the Nephilim circles, I don’t know, but that a city full of people in addition to all those who’ve arrived from all over the world? It’s like the proportions do not match. It doesn’t help the fact that, as you said, we keep seeing all these same characters over and over again with just a side-mention of other Shadowhunters that we don’t even know.

Alicante felt hollow. The depiction of Alicante felt hollow though there was a plenty of it. I don’t know what it is that made it hard to grasp onto. It’s just a nice and general European backdrop to the finale of Valentine saga, but it’s not grounded enough.

New York was easy to imagine, it is such a famous and well-known city that it barely needs any introduction. Even Brooklyn has its own feel to it, everyone knows the boroughs etc. But you are right, like Los Angeles, it could’ve been any other place. The places these stories happen in have no distinct character to them. Each Institute, for example, has the same feeling. Even the interiors of the Institutes are sometimes difficult to figure out, for which I do appreciate films and televisions shows that seem like someone has figured it out.

Going back to the point, Alicante also has no character. It is not distinguished. It could be basically any Central or South European city because the only truly personal feature it has is the demon towers. I remember reading the name of the city for the first time years and years ago and being so disappointed that even the names of Clare’s own fantasy country and city were not original ones. I’m sure there was some fantasy name generators about even during those earlier days of the internet. Though many authors before the 1990s have managed well without.

#City of Glass #Series discussion #Reply

[libsterslobsters]

The Wanton Song

Summary: How do you broach the topic of sex with the 90-something super soldier you've found yourself dating? That's the reader's question. Luckily, she and Bucky are no strangers to awkward conversations...

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x fem!enhanced! Reader

(Reader can see bits and pieces of the future in visions and understands all languages)

Warnings: SMUT, tiny bit of angst, lotsa fluff, maybe some past dub!con if you squint

Author's note: Wow... here I am posting smut on the internet. Never thought that would happen. Tmi, but I'm married, so I have a good amount of sex 🙀 and I actually had a great first time, but some people don't, and that's what I tried to represent. That, and CONSENT!!!! Consent is sexy, y'all. Safe, sane and consensual all day every day.

As always, the reader's name isn't stated so that you can read as a self insert, but I've written so much at this point that I refer to the Reader as Violet in my own mind.

*************************************************

 Life has been going swimmingly these past few months. Better than ever before in fact, or at the very least, better than in a long time. She’s still a fugitive, living life looking over her shoulder, but now she has a steady job, a steady paycheck, and oh yeah, a steady boyfriend. Those three things have never aligned for her before (especially the last one). Overall, she’s pretty happy. But, because she’s her, there’s still a question niggling at the back of her mind.

 The transition from “you’re my only friend” to “we’re together now” went smoothly, helped in part by the fact that Barnes had been at that particular juncture the whole time. From the outside looking in, the only major changes have been the addition of those three simple but very key words and an upping the anti in the cuddles department.

 Speaking of cuddles, that’s a very mild term for what’s going on these days. It starts out innocent enough. The usual location is on the couch at one or the other’s apartment. There hadn’t been much distance between them since that first time where they ended up talking more than watching the movie playing from her laptop, but now, the space is nonexistent. As a general rule, within the first ten minutes, her legs somehow end up over his lap or in some way intertwined with is. The intention is always to pay attention to what’s on the screen but, well, when you’re that close, it would be rude not to snuggle up. And, when the other person looks that damn kissable, it would truly be insulting not to take the plunge.

 Now, considering the angle, one of them has to lean in. Otherwise, it would be awkward. That generally determines who, somewhere from two to ten minutes later, is on top of who. Of course hands wander, and even though it’s understood that the word “no” can be employed at any time and immediately obeyed (not to mention the copious amounts of “Is this okay”’s being asked), she can’t remember a time either of them have said it.

 If she had to attach a term to what comes next, it would be ‘dry humping.’ And then… nothing. It always ends far too soon, leaving her flustered and with her heart racing. At first she thought it was because he simply didn’t want her, but, well, there’s certain physical signs that point to that not being the problem. Her next guess was that he’s simply being respectful. Well, as sweet as that is, she’s ready to get on with it. She’s only human after all, and as such, has needs. Sure, she could take care of them herself, but if she had to guess, he’s experiencing those needs too, and from what she’s heard, it’s more fun to take care of it together.

 The only issue: how the hell do you bring something like this up, especially when the person you’re bringing it up with grew up in a much more repressed era than you did? She’s been debating it for the past week, and despite having multiple visions, none of them have given her that key insight into what to do.

 Finally, she decides to just say it. They’ve made a point to be honest with each other, and it’s probably best to get it out of the way. They’re adults, after all. They can have this discussion. She’s going to come straight out with it.

 “Hey, can I ask you something? It’s kind of personal, and maybe a little uncomfortable.”

 “Sure, Doll.” The response is immediate. “Fire away.”

 Glancing up to make sure they’re not at a pivotal scene in tonight’s movie (they have a system; at his place, watch something he grew up with, at hers, something made literally anytime after 1945), she spits out the whole sentence in one breathless go. “Are we ever going to have sex?”

 It feels like a branding iron where his arm is still wrapped around her shoulder. Still, it’s comforting. At least he’s not moving away.

 “I gotta admit, that’s not the question I was expecting. What brought this on?”

 She shrugs, carefully keeping her eyes trained on the wall behind his head instead of on him.

 “Nothing in particular. Just…” is there a delicate way to put this? “...I think things are going well between us, and sometimes when we’re together… I’ve noticed that there’s a physical response.” She’s really hoping that’ll suffice, because she can’t think of a good way to say “I can feel that you’re hard when you’re on top of me”.

 “Oh.”

 Apparently, her meaning is indeed clear enough, because he removes his arm from her shoulders. She’s about to apologize (all the while mentally berating herself) when his hand closes over hers.

 “I’m sorry about that, Doll. I’ll try to stay calmer.” Wait, that’s not- “It’s just an issue guys have. Don’t think it means you have to do anything that you don’t want to, because I would never-”

 “I know you wouldn’t.” Without thinking, she cuts him off. “And I want to.” It feels like she’s sitting in a sauna, she’s so flustered from this conversation. “But only if you do, and I understand if you didn’t-”

 “No.” It’s abrupt, cutting her off. A definite answer that leaves no room for questioning. “No, I do. I just-” He clears his throat. “-I didn’t want to bring it up, in case we weren’t on the same page. “ This seems to be a recurring theme, so far. “And it’s not a must. If you change your mind-”

 It’s pure instinct. There’s no thought involved as she closes the gap between them, this time with her on top, and presses  her lips against his. The response is immediate and enthusiastic. She considers just going on, not putting a stop to things, but realization hits that, although overall she’s ready for this to happen, she’s not ready for it to happen tonight. There’s still things she needs to take care of. Most importantly, protection.

 So, gasping for breath, she pulls away. “I’m calling for a rain check, but if after that, you still think I’ll change my mind-” she pushes back her hair and forces herself to take a deep breath. “-then you may just be beyond help, Barnes.” If the chuckle is anything to judge from, she’s made her point.

_________________________________________________________________________________

 Wow. Bucky thinks to himself as he exits out of the browser tab on his phone. That’s enough internet for one day. Too much, actually. He knows that it’s the information superhighway, but good god, no one needs THAT much information. He really needs to be more specific with what he googles… or less… or just not at all.

 He’d never admit it (and really, who the hell is gonna ask him anyway), but he spent the last hour looking up how to have sex. He’s engaged in the act before, yeah, but it was seventy years ago. Plus, it used to be this huge taboo thing that you suspected was going on behind closed doors, but no one (not even the married couples) owned up to it. If you were ever found out, there were severe consequences. As a man, he didn’t have to worry as much, but if whoever the woman was had her dirty laundry aired… oh boy. She’d be a pariah, a “scarlet woman”, unfit for marriage or to even give the time of day. That led to limited encounters, and, well, it just seemed smart to brush up on what information is out there. As it turns out, people have written a lot about the fine art of love making. Unfortunately for him, most of it is absolute garbage. Some of the positions he just read about (because at that point, the article was like a train wreck; he badly wanted to look away, but he couldn’t) don’t even sound possible, much less pleasurable. He’s all for society being freer, but good grief!

 He’s halfway through a bottle of straight vodka (it won’t have any effect, but he’s hoping maybe the alcohol will travel to his brain and sanitize his eyeballs from most of the shit he just read) when his phone rings. Great. He’s always happy to talk to her, but right now… wow. It’s gonna take him some time to recover, so he hopes she doesn’t need him to say much.

 “Hey, Doll.”

 “I am so fucking pissed off right now.” That sounds promising.

 “At what?”

 “The city of Bucharest, my apartment, the landlord, whoever the fuck did the plumbing in this building! God!” She’s clearly out of breath, so it takes a minute before she can speak again. “I’m sorry, Buck. It’s just that I came home from work, and one of my neighbors told me the entire sixth floor is under a good inch, inch and a half of water.” Wait-

 “How-”

 “I don’t know. Busted pipe. It’s leaked down onto the fifth floor, so I’ve got about fifty other pissed off people for company.”

 “Jesus.” 

 She chuckles harshly. “Yeah, we could use him right about now to perform a miracle. This is a shit show, and I haven’t even told you the best part.”

 “So the spontaneous flood wasn’t the highlight of your day?”

 “I fucking wish! So, naturally, I tried to call the landlord, along with basically everyone else. Get this: since it’s after five o’clock on a Friday, he’s not gonna do anything. Told us collectively to suck it up! And of course, when there’s a leak, they have to cut the power…” He’s starting to see a pattern here.

 She sighs. “I really needed to get that off my chest. How are you?” Still slightly weirded out by the information overload, but feeling a little more steady now that he’s got a good catastrophe to concentrate on. However, that’s probably not the best answer to go with.

 “Better than you are.”

 “What, the sky isn’t falling where you are?” He chuckles.

 “No, it’s right where it’s supposed to be.”  Which reminds him… “But since it seems like you’re short a functional home, why don’t you just stay here until they sort things out?” He’s got a couch that, while it doesn’t have anything on an actual bed, he can manage to sleep on for the next few nights. Or maybe they can share his bed. He shakes his head. That thought needs to be put to the side, even if it’s meant in the most innocent way possible. Of course, in case she decides to cash in that rain check…

 “Yes. I mean, that would be great, if you’re sure.”

 “I’m sure.” Actually, he can’t think of a better way to spend the weekend. The plan was to meet up either Saturday or Sunday, possibly both, so this isn’t that far out of the ordinary.

 “Okay, but just a warning: They’re not letting us go up to our floor in case there’s been electrical damage as well-” That’s smart. If the pipes are in that bad of condition, who knows what the wiring looks like. “-so all I have is my purse, backpack, and what I wore to work. No toothbrush or pajamas, or anything like that.”

 “That’s alright. All you have to bring is yourself.” He’ll have to look, but he’s pretty sure he has something in his closet that’ll work okay for her until she gets the all clear to go into her apartment. Plus, there’s a laundry mat just around the corner, not to mention a pharmacy.

 “Thank you. I really appreciate it.” 

 “Not a problem.” He glances at his bedside clock. Five thirty-four. It takes roughly half an hour to get across the city by bus, so… “I’ll see you around six fifteen?”

 “See you then.”

 As soon as the line goes dead, he springs into action. First thing’s first: make sure there’s no dirty clothes, old dishes, or trash laying around. That takes all of five minutes. He should probably check that he does indeed have something she can wear so they won’t have to fumble around later. Tshirts are pretty universal and… yes, he has a few pajama bottoms that have a drawstring waist. How much time does he have left? The phone screen lights up, giving him his answer. Twenty-seven minutes. More than enough time to run around the corner and pick up a few things.

 His intention is to buy the basics: spare toothbrush, deodorant, hairbrush, maybe a different shampoo than his three-in-one body wash (it’s convenient for him, but she might prefer something designated for hair specifically). But, well, there’s quite a few aisles, and he gets sucked in. Does he need to buy razors, or is that rude, like he thinks she’s hairy? What about aspirin? How often do most people get headaches? He honestly can’t remember. 

 By the time he realizes that he really needs to get a move on, his basket is full and he has no idea what aisle he’s on. Desperately, he looks around, and his eyes land on… huh. So they just have them out in the open these days. Last time he was in the market for that, he had to beg a married friend to make the purchase for him. He briefly wonders if he’ll need to produce proof of marriage or something similar, but pushes the thought to the side. It’s the 2000s. He can probably just go up to the register and pay, and no one will give him a second look. But there’s just one problem: which brand? He should google… suddenly remembering his adventure from earlier today, he decides to just go with his gut and pick one. There. Now, he needs to pay and get the fuck out of here because there’s only ten minutes left, and he’d rather not have these out in the open, in case she thinks that’s the reason he’s asked her to stay over. If it happens, great. If not… well, he’s made it for the past seventy years. What’s a few more?

___________________________________________________________________________________

 She was still pretty shaken up when she arrived at his apartment, carrying her backpack and purse, slightly damp from the drizzle of rain now covering the city. But immediately receiving a long hug, being instructed to make herself at home, and hearing the offer to take a shower so she could warm up did a lot to restore her good mood.

 It was one of the sweetest thing she’s ever experienced in a lifetime where most people have showed her their worst, going into that bathroom and finding a new toothbrush, stick of deodorant, nail clippers, hairbrush, and even shampoo. That and Barnes bashfully informing her that, “I’ll stay in the living room until you’re done. Take your time.” She almost suggested that he just join her in an attempt to broach the subject they left off on two nights ago, but thought better of it. She’s just started to strip when a knock comes from the other side of the wall.

 “Sorry. I just remembered that I forgot to give you a change of clothes. Can I leave them outside the door?” A smile forms on her face.  

 “Sure. Go ahead.” No one’s given this much thought to her comfort or boundaries before. Yet another reason she knows this is the right decision.

 She doesn’t stay in the shower for long, just enough time to wash and stop shivering. After toweling off and brushing out her hair, she cracks open the door. Sure enough, a worn but clean tshirt and pair of pajama bottoms are waiting for her. The familiar scent of the laundry detergent he uses envelopes her as she dresses and, at long last, leaves the safety of the bathroom.

 True to his word, he’s still sitting on the couch, thumbing through a book she gave him some months back (he’s missed so many feats of literature that have made their way into pop culture; today’s choice is The Hobbit because, while it was out before everything happened to him, he’s never read it) when she emerges. Just in case he’s so absorbed that he hasn’t heard her, she repeats his gesture from earlier and knocks softly on the wall.

 “Hey. I’m out. You can have your apartment back.”

 “Hey.” That smile always makes her feel slightly unsteady on her feet. “Find everything okay?”

 “I did.” She settles into the place next to him. “Thank you, by the way. You didn’t have to go out and get supplies.”

 “I know.” He nods, hand closing around hers. “But I wanted to make sure you had whatever you needed.”

 They chat for a while about their days, discuss what they should do with the weekend ahead, even throw out ideas for dinner. The entire time, she’s trying to figure out the best way to bring up that she’d really like to finish what they started the other night. However, by the time he’s left to grab some sort of takeout, she’s still no closer to an answer.

 Fortunately, their dates usually follow a pattern. Food, a movie, and then the not-so-innocent cuddles. This time, he’s on top of her when she feels the tell-tale sign that he’s as fired up as she is, so she suggests,

 “Do want to maybe move to somewhere more comfortable?” His already dilated pupils grow even larger, and he nods.

 “Yeah. That sounds like a plan.” She waits for him to roll off of her and head towards the bedroom before she grabs her purse and, digging around inside, grabs one of the foil packages she bought after their last date.

 It’s only once she closes the door behind her, shutting them into an enclosed space with a bed (not to mention it’s pretty damn clear what both of their intentions are), that nerves get the better of her.  He takes a step towards her, and she leans up to kiss him, but he ducks his head out of the way.

 “You’re shaking.” His hand ghosts over her arm, making it obvious that, by comparison, she’s practically vibrating on the spot.

 “Sorry.” She chuckles nervously. “It’ll pass.”

 “It’s alright.” As he says it, he meets her eyes. “We can stop. Nothing has to happen.”

 “I know.” She nods, swallowing hard. “But I want it to.” Their lips briefly meet before he pulls away again.

 “Let me ask you, just before we get started, is this-” He stops short, eyes darting from her face to the wall and back again. “...have you… before?” Oh. “Not that it matters, not to me, I just wanted to know so that-”

 “I have.” She nods, feeling heat rise to her cheeks. “Once. I was eighteen, and-” It was awful. She’d been seeing the guy for a few months and he kept whining about her not putting out, so she decided to get it over with. He went in dry without any warning, and when she asked him to stop, give her a second to adjust, he told her he couldn’t. She was bleeding and in pain for days afterwards, and to top it off, when her period was late, she thought that, even though he’d pulled out, she was pregnant. That turned out not to be the case, but it, along with the fact that she usually doesn’t stay in one place for very long, has put a damper on her ever wanting to do that again. Except for now. “-it wasn’t a great experience.”

 “I’m sorry.” On instinct, she searches for the judgment in his face, the disgust. It’s nowhere to be found, only genuine sympathy. “I’ll do my best to make sure this time is better. That is, if you’re still up to it.”

 “I am.” Not waiting for a reply, she wraps her arms around him and starts trailing kisses up his neck towards his ear. “I am. I trust you.” She hears his breath catch, but before she can comment, he’s hoisted her up and is carrying her in the direction of the bed.

 As he sets her down, she pulls him on top of her, letting her hands wander over his sides, up his back. After a few moments, she feels his fingers move from her hips to toy with the hem of her… his.. shirt.

 “Is this okay? Can I take this off?” She starts to nod, but remembers just in time that he’s so close, they’d butt heads.

 “Please.” She expected to feel exposed once she was at least partially undressed, but instead she feels… adored. His eyes are roaming over her newly exposed skin, though his hands have respectfully returned to her waist. In a moment of confidence, she reaches behind her and unhooks her bra. There. Now she’s completely shirtless.

 “You’re so beautiful.” The flush from her cheeks is spreading down her neck, but she still smiles.

 “Care to make things even?” It’s brief, but she catches the look of hesitation.

 “Sure.” Before she can offer to do it, he shrugs his shirt over his head, revealing to her, for the first time, the entirity of his metal arm. She must look for a moment too long, because with a shrug, he informs her, “I can put my shirt back on. No big deal. I know there’s some scarring…” That’s not going to fly. She needs to reassure him, make him feel as desired as he’s made her feel.

 “Or if you want to stop-” She stands and, after briefly making eye contact, places a kiss on the most prominent scar.

 “Don’t you dare think that way for a second.” They’re flush against each other, chest to bare chest. “Not for one.” Slowly, she slides her hands from his shoulders down to his waist, hesitating just over the button. “Is this okay?” Another shakey breath.

 “Yes.”

 Going forward, it’s much less awkward. The rest of their clothing is shed, and soon they’re back to their previous position; on the bed, with him on top of her. She feels his fingertips brush the inside of her thigh and gasps.

 “May I touch you?” She nods.

 “You’d better.”

 It’s gentle, more of him feeling her out than anything else. Still, she can’t help but think this is infinitely better already than last time around. Suddenly, he pulls his hand away, and it takes all her effort not to whine at the loss of contact. Before she can ask if something’s wrong, does he want to stop, he’s flat on his stomach, head between her legs.

 “Tell me if you need me to stop.”

 “What-” Her breath catches as it becomes infinitely clear what he’s doing.

 Again, she’s expecting pain when, after several minutes he eases a finger into her, but at this point, she’s so wet that there’s absolutely no difficulty.

 “Are you okay?” She nods.

 “Don’t stop.”

 The process is agonizingly slow, he’s so intent on his task. When, finally, he pulls away, she’s so close that she can almost taste it.

 “Do you still want to-”

 “If you don’t stop asking me that, I’m gonna slap you.” It’s a joke, and she thinks he knows it, but just to be sure, she siezes his hand (the metal one, which is usually cold but has now warmed from being held close against her body. “I’m ready, so long as you want this too.”

 “I do. You wouldn’t believe how much.” Yeah, she thinks she would. “Just give me a second.” Perfect timing. He rolls off of her, which gives her the opening she needs to grab the packet she managed to hide under the pillow while he was… otherwise distracted. When he returns from digging inside the wardrobe, she holds it up, only to realize-

 “Oh.” He’s got one as well. “Seems like we both came prepared.”

 He chuckles. “Just in case, although that wasn’t why I asked you to stay.”

 “I know.” She nods and pats the space next to her. “Not why I said yes either, although I can’t say I’m disappointed.”

 He returns to the bed and drops his packet onto the nightstand. “Save this one for later?”

 “Definitely.”

 There is a bit of discomfort once he starts to push inside her, but it’s not painful. Just… overwhelming. Slightly embarassed she asks,

 “Can you wait a second? Please?”

 “Of course. Are you alright?” She shifts her hips slightly, making them both groan.

 “Fine. You can move now.”

 She may have only done this once before, and she has no idea what his experience consists of, but as she hits her peak mere seconds before he does, gently coaxed over the edge, she can’t help but think some things are better the second time around.

 “I love you.” It’s whispered against her neck as, once she cleans up and returns to bed, she settles herself against him.

 “I love you too.”

___________________________________________________________________________________

 The first thing he thinks when he realizes that he’s not alone in bed is that HYDRA’s found him. He’s being activated. His eyes shoot open although apart from that he doesn’t move a muscle, and that’s when he recognizes the person next to him. It’s her. She’s here.

 The events of last night come back to him all at once, and he feels a smile forming on his face. It’s been a while, and in any case, it would be wrong to run a comparison, but what they shared, the pure intimacy of it both physically and mentally was incredible. Maybe he should feel a sense of shame. That’s what he was taught growing up. But instead he feels… peaceful.

 That is, until her eyelids flutter and she rolls over, shifting the covers so that he gets a good view of her still naked body, and with it, the bruises on her thighs and hips. Bruises unmistakably left by his fingers. Dammit. He’s done the last thing he ever wanted to do: he’s hurt her.

 “Good morning, sleepy head.” She yawns, the teasing words muffled. “It seems like we overslept.”

 His mouth goes dry, and all he can manage to choke out is a simple, “Yeah.”

 She frowns, sitting up slightly, and lets out a small groan. “You alright there, Bucky? You look a little off.” The late morning light only serves to highlight more marks he’s left, this time on her shoulders, neck, and breasts. Stubble burn. Hickeys. Why the hell was he so rough? At the time, he thought he was being gentle, but obviously he’s just as much of a monster as Bucky Barnes as he is once the Winter Soldier takes over.

 She’s still staring at him, brow furrowing in concern.

 “Fine.” He clears his throat and begins to sit up. “Stay here. I’ll make you a cup of tea, maybe some oatmeal.”

 “Alright. Don’t be gone too long.”

 Her words follow him out of the room, and into the kitchen. Fuck. He should’ve known better. 

Maybe once upon a time, he was a decent man, one who could be with a woman like  her and not do her a disservice. But now, it’s clear that he falls short in every way. In an act that was supposed to be pure pleasure, a way of communicating how much they mean to each other, he’s hurt her.

 “I trust you.” The words from last night ring in his ears. He shouldn’t have let her. It’s pretty damn obvious that, even at the best of times, he can’t be trusted.

 “Tell me what’s going on.” Even with his enhanced senses, he still jumps in surprise as the unexpected words come from behind him. He turns around slowly, not wanting to startle her. She’s standing there, clad in only one of his shirts, arms crossed over her chest (now bearing his marks), staring him down.

 “Nothing.” He shakes his head.

 “Bullshit. I had a vision of you staring off into space, and here you are, jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.” At another time, her choice in phrases would make him chuckle, but right now, he can’t muster it.

 “Last night-” Her eyes widen, but she stays silent. “I hurt you.”

 “No, you didn’t. Not at all.”

 “I did.”

 She frowns. “Bucky, I think I’d know if you’d hurt me, and I’m telling you, I’m fine.”

 “Doll, look at yourself!” He reaches out to take her arm, but immediately freezes. “Go in the bathroom and take off your shirt. Take a good look in the mirror and then tell me I didn’t hurt you.”

 “Alright.” Her jaw clenches, and she marches off in the direction of the bathroom. A deep sickness gnaws at the pit of his stomach and, completely worn out, he sinks into a kitchen chair.

 Not thirty seconds pass before she walks back into the room, this time completely undressed.

 “Tell me you’re not talking about a few love bites.”

 “And bruises! You may not have noticed, but they’re in the exact shape of my fingertips.”

 “Oh my god!” She shakes her head. “It’s a sex injury. A minor one at that! If you didn’t heal so damn fast, you’d probably have nail marks all over your back!”

 “That’s not the same thing.”

 “How is it not the same thing?”

 “I’m a monster! And you’re not.”

 She takes a determined step towards him, and he leans as far back as the chair will allow.

 “Bucky, you are not a monster, and I am not afraid of you.”

 “Then you’re stupid.” He hates himself for his sharp words, but she needs to take this seriously. Underestimating how dark, how evil he can be, is a mistake. A deadly one.

 “Hey!”

 “Don’t you get it?” Without any input from his brain, he stands. “They could find me, and with a few words, I could stare you dead in the eyes as I murdered you! If you were my mission, I wouldn’t even hesitate, and you’d be dead before your body hit the floor!” Her mouth falls open, but she immediately closes it again. “This isn’t something that can be worked through with some patience and a positive attitude! I could kill you!”

 “So could a million other things!” Her voice rises in volume, and before he can contain it-

 “But they’re not in the bed sleeping next to you!” He’s shouting at her. God. Everyone is right. He’s beyond saving.

 A few tense seconds pass before she looks up at him, a steely look in her eyes.

 “Look, I get it. I know what you could do to me.” As she speaks, she pulls out a chair and sits. “But I could also get run over when I cross the road, or the room could fill with carbon monoxide while I sleep. I could have an aneurysm and drop before anyone knows what’s happening.”

 He opens his mouth to tell her the likelihood of any of those things happening is far lower than the chance that he’ll hurt her, this time in a major way, but she holds up a hand, silencing him.

 “I’m gonna be cautious, but I’m also not going to live my life in fear that the ceiling is going to collapse or nuclear war is going to strike, or that someone is gonna turn up and say the magic words that make you go cuckoo for cocoa puffs-” What? “-and I just realized you’re too old for that reference.”

 “That’s another thing-” He’s about to remind her exactly how big their age gap is, that although he’s physically close to her age, chronologically, he’s closer to the age of her great grandfather, but she lets out a sudden groan of frustration, and that makes him bite his tongue.

 “Oh, fuck off, Barnes! If you’re about to start in on how you’re too old for me, then I’m not gonna wait for you to go full Winter Soldier before I kick your ass!” Out of all things, that’s what snaps him out of it, makes him feel like maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance they can make the best of things.

 Smirking, he asks her,

 “You think you could kick my ass? Really?” It must be the breaking point for her too, because she snickers.

 “Of course. It’s the little bitches you have to watch out for.”  That’s it, he’s laughing, nearly doubled over, and from the looks of things, she’s in much the same state.

 “You’re something else, you know that?” He asks between stilted breaths.

 “I think we both fit in that category, Pal.” Her smile fades, but only slightly. “Bucky, if you really want me to go, if that’s what’ll give you peace, then I’ll do it, but I meant what I said. I trust you.” Never. He’ll never want her to go, he’s sure of it. Well then, that only leaves one option.

 “I know what we’re doing today.” It’s an abrupt segue, but it’s the only thing he could come up with on short notice.

 “And what’s that?”  The microwave dings, reminding him that he needs to stir the oatmeal, and he pushes past her.

 “Sit down and have your tea. You’re going to need all your energy if I’m gonna show you how to use a gun.” If she’s staying, then at least he can teach her how to defend herself beyond the basics she already knows.

 “So I guess this means you’re keeping me around for a little while longer?” It’s spoken like a joke, but he turns to her, meeting her eyes to drive the point home.

 “Yeah, Doll. As long as you want me."

#marvel #captain america #the winter soldier #bucky fanfic #fanfiction #bucky barnes x ofc #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes #pre civil war

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

Okay let me explain why I am sooo excited and why I'm feeling on cloud freaking 9 right now.

This post does contains TMI along with TW of miscarriages and domestic abuse. Please read with caution.

Since I was 14 I've had really horrible irregular periods. I could go from missing my period for a month to going without it for 2 whole years. I've been through every test, every diagnosis and there was never a found reason as to why Aunt Flo didnt want to visit.

Fast forward to when I was 20 and one doctor says let's get you on birth control to regulate it. I bleed for a month and half and never regulated, even after filling my body with hormones. I missed a few pills because I was focused on other things and told myself I'd get back on track the next month. I got pregnant during that time.

I went on a trip to mexico and was feeling sick. Pregnancy symptoms popped up and when I got home, I took a few pregnancy tests. Low and behold there was that positive test. I was freaking out cause I had just broken up with my ex for his borderline abusive behavior. I knew that I was gonna do this on my own and we'd be okay.

But I got pregnant while stressing about being homeless. I was also stressing about school assignments and things like that. I lost my baby a the day after I got my confirmation test.

Hello downward spiral.

But I'll be honest and say that it was probably for the best. I was homeless and that wasn't the best situation to be pregnant in.

Fast forward through several more doctor appointments that all came up as dead ends on my periods and constantly hearing that my chances of pregnancy were lowered because of my irregular periods.

My heart broke a few years later when I went through the same symptoms while in an abusive relationship. A baby shouldn't be brought into that situation and I was scared. Thankfully the tests were negative.

But the lingering thought of potentially being a mom had gotten to me. I've always wanted to be a mom. When I broke free from that relationship that was always certain.

I made a promise to myself after that. That as soon as my body regulated on it's own and gave me a year of on time periods, I would begin the process of artificial insemination since I chose to no longer be with someone. That I am happier being single.

Six months ago, I told my immediate family of my plans. They were encouraging and were 100 percent on board with my decisions.

This month marks a year of regular periods and I am just a few hundred dollars away from being able to go to a fertility clinic.

I'm screaming.

I'm emotional because if everything goes well, and I am fortunate to have this, there will be a baby coming later this year or even next year.

Even if a baby doesnt come, I'm ecstatic because my body is finally on track as it should be. And after 14 years of irregularities, I'm finally normal.

#dom rambles #dom is excited #dom is emotional #tw: miscarriages #tw: domestic violence

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

Shit I have recently read, #2 Chapterhouse: Dune (vol.6) by Frank Herbert

Aka my final encounter with the Original Dune series written by Herbert Dad. Am I masochistic enough to start the continuation written by Herbert Son, basing the story on his Dad’s notes? Probably nope. But I already bought the prequels, sigh, so I probably will read them one day. Because I’m dumb. And the story is about Grandpa Leto and I love him

Going to be eternally butthurt that Herbert Dad died before he finished the series, I feel it was a middle of the story and he had a lot to tell more. And from what I have seen, you need to be a masochist to read what the Herbert Son and Co have written as continuation.

Not going to try to sound smart about this whole series, because everything is already written by the series fans. But what I have learnt/liked/got intrigued by the 6 books

-There are many examples in the history of so called charismatic leaders that were leading the blind masses into the void. EVEN after their deaths. Aka the more charismatic person, the more you should question his or her motives. Also, don’t trust any government. Question it. Be suspicious. Don’t follow people, without asking questions.

-History? Be cynical about it. It is always written by the winners. The other side usually saw things differently. Also, ever wondered why we really don’t have in the textbooks anything about women who STAYED and tried to survived while the sons, husbands and fathers were dying in the mindless battles? Yeah. Also, the historical records ALWAYS are written to make some groups happy. It’s quite obvious, but we tend to forget it.

-A lot of things are simply relativistic. In on society they may be taboo, in other something normal and in other something people are going to die for. What does it mean for us? Especially now, when we can talk on internet with people from so many countries and cultures? Once again, pretty obvious, but we like to ignore it while judging others.

“Revenge is for children and the emotionally retarded.” –I’m staring at Lena so, so, so hard.

-The whole conception of getting rid of AI and high technology (because some wanted to use them against humans) and dealing with life on “billions of planets” was intriguing and he made it believable – I can believe in that universe. Also, super humans (called mentats) with some super abilities gaining with genes and training, being living computers, being able to tie facts in milliseconds and make conclusions it’s awesome too.

And ok, maybe because I read grim fantasy, so incest, rapes, some super questionable sex scenes etc. don’t faze me, so I did not have a problem with a lot of… weird stuff in the series, still some things made me wonder what was a writing choice and what was the author’s… believes:

-Bene Gesserit and their eugenic plans to make humanity better… yeah, we have seen it a few times in history, right? (say hi to Nazis and that horrible thing that was happening in usamerica not so long ago).On the other hand, treating humanity like cattle was… funny in a way. But still disgusting.

-But seriously, why there was soooo many talks about SPERM. Like? Thanks, TMI. Also, a drinking game: take a shot  every time Duncan Idaho say he is not a sperm donor or something like that and enjoy your hangover. Also, the fact he became one from my fave characters to  someone I basically hate with passion was an achievement, thanks  Herbert *sarcasm* I mean, maybe it’s hard to talk about him like about one and the same character, when he becomes a ghola on some point (aka a clone that has possess the memories of the original body), still he simply pissed me off too many times. He’s just… the same sappy, mopping idiot in his every version and the fact his EVERY romance ends the same doesn’t help. I don’t know, maybe that was Herbert way to say everything comes back and universe works like a wheel that repeats everything all the time.

- I liked how, mostly, the most powerful characters that behave like mature adults with a plan are women. Bene Gesserit aka witches are basically kicking asses bitches with a plan. Guys? Emotional babies or annoying “I’m better than you” dudes you want to throw outside the window and enjoy their screaming. The only exceptions are Leto I and Teg.

-Also, sigh, there is TOO MUCH shit about SEX that became … ugh…, but the fact some group powerful women called Honored Matre, use sex as something to control and brainwash males into lap dogs is, one again, amusing.

-Herbert in a way was worse than George Martin. You like that character? Cool, he or she died OFF PAGES.

-Interesting how Jews and their story was included in the series. They are still on the run, they are still suspicious, they still are waiting for a disaster.

-There were some controversial lines and characters that smell like homophobia and hate against women.

-The way it’s written. You just read through mountain of dialogues and inner thoughts about philosophy history, politics, sociology, there is almost no action and you still sit and read, intrigued for 500 or more pages and you still like it.

Basically, I can’t say every line of this series is a masterpiece (like some fans say) but it’s super solid, amazingly written universe that makes sense. A must read for sci-fi fans as for the rest, you can try at least the first volume. It’s worth the hype.

#my shit #troll reads #troll books #not sg

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #412

“there’s nothing i could ever write to help you understand this life  /  there’s so much beauty when your eyes lay lost in all the city lights”

Did you make any money today? Nope. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from? Idk. Have you ever gone swimming in a river? Yes, but it wasn't in a fast-flowing area of it. Is there something you really want to buy at the moment? I mention Venus' terrarium enough, so besides that, I'd really like to buy a plane ticket to see Sara, as well as new glasses. Would you ever consider culinary school? No. What was the last souvenir someone got you? uhhhhhhhh Do you have a favorite remix of a song? BOI I couldn't begin. Has the power gone out recently? No. Do you like driving at night? NOOOOOOO. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument? Either a violin or piano. Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies? Nope. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Yeah! I'd love to go on a photography journey there. Are you afraid of standing on the edge of hills/skyscrapers/cliffs etc? Yeah, heights scare me and I have a serious case of "what if I jumped off?". I'm not suicidal or anything, but there's an actual term for that urge that is somewhat normal. I just can't remember what it is. Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar etc)? Probably the clouded leopard. But I LOVE wild cats. I think lions are the most interesting. Do you have an absolute favorite name (boy or girl)? Alessandra, 120%. It is so beautiful-sounding, plus I love that you can use "Alessa" as a nickname. My Silent Hill obsession is quite thrilled by that, ha ha. Are you good at pronouncing foreign words? I'm decent with German. When listening to music, do you usually tap your foot etc to the beat? It's weird, I actually have a habit of swaying my leg back and forth. Not even to the beat, I just do it. Have you ever literally cried on a friend's shoulder? Yes. Would you ever consider being a DJ at a party if you were paid? No. Do strapless bras work for you? Look man my boobs are too big for those lmao. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc? Many times. Guess who's not around anymore. Do you feel comfortable enough to wear short shorts? HELL no. Have a favorite actor/actress from Old Hollywood? (Marilyn Munroe, etc) Not really. What's your opinion on people who stretch their ears? You do you, boo. Do you think tattoos are expressive art or unattractive? A R T ! ! ! What is your school mascot? I'm not in school. Have you ever seen a bear in the wild? No. What's the book you're currently reading? Wings of Fire: Moon Rising. Can you recall the most disturbing movie you've ever seen? Paranormal Entity. Has anyone you know gotten mono? My older sister did when she was I think in high school. Have you ever picked an apple off the tree and eaten it? Yes, actually! It was one of the best apples I'd ever tasted. Can you say yes/no in different languages? In German, ja. (See what I did there lololol I'm clever.) Out of the traditional superheroes, which one is your favorite? Spider-Man. Ever peed in your pants after the age of 10? Maybe TMI, but a few years ago, I had a very strange episode of premature incontinence. It stopped, but it was very weird and embarrassing. Had any surgeries? What kind? I had tubes put in my ears as a two-year-old, and I wanna say at the end of 2016 is when I had my cyst removal surgery. Ever told your parents you hated them? My dad, yes. Very vehemently. I will always regret the letter I sent him. Do you let your pets on your furniture? Of course. This is their house, too. How do you feel about kettle cooked chips? Ew. How strong do you like your coffee? I don't like coffee, period. Would you rather see someone of the opposite sex naked or nicely dressed? Uhhhh I dunno. I guess it depends on the mood. Would you ever consider visiting Texas? I have friends there I'd love to meet, but I don't think so. Too hot. If you could make a movie, what would it be about? Some of the less-upsetting/disturbing RP stories I've taken part in writing. If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call? My dad. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I mean I do, but I don't think now is the time. I need to set shit straight about myself first. Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus? Broccoli. Asparagus is repulsive. Was the last person you kissed attractive? She's gorgeous. Are you racist at all? Not at all. Do you read creepypasta? If not, you should. Nah. Have you ever vandalized? Nope. Would you ever scuba dive in shark-infested waters if you had the chance? Most likely not. And by the way, they do not "infest" waters. That's their home. I hate that phrase so much. Have you ever been drunk at work? No. Have you ever hit a parked car with your car? No. Have you ever slept on the floor with someone you like? Yes. I remember Jason and I made a palette on the living room floor at least one night. It was SO uncomfortable. I don't even remember why we did it. Which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, or cereal? French toast. *_* Do you prefer light or dark haired? I prefer colorful hair. Have you ever read any of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books? No. I remember we had at least one, though. Would you be prepared to do a job that you didn’t like, if it paid well? No. That would affect my depression so badly. Do you think age is needed for maturity? Absolutely not. Do you believe the future is predetermined? No. What the hell would even be the point if it was? Like you'd have no free will; you'd just be a character in a story a higher power wrote. What words are most comforting to you? "I love you," "I'm here for you," "you're strong enough to get through this," stuff like that. How important is money to you? I have a stressful relationship with money. I've never in my life had a stable income because the three jobs I've had were so incredibly short-lived, so the money I DO get, I cherish the shit outta it.. I make sure I REALLY want something, and I mean it modestly, but I'm also honestly pretty selfless with money, too. I'm very willing to leave considerable tips, I don't mind buying pricey gifts for people if I think they would really, really like it, stuff like that. Going my whole life being poor, I just understand the situation so well and want to help people where I can. Is there anything you want to last forever? Love. By that I mean I hope even beyond death, the relationships we built in life stretch into what afterlife there may be. List three of your passions: Animals and their conservation, LGBTQ+ rights, and the pro-choice movement. How old do you want to live to? As old as I can before the point of being totally dependent on others to do things like clean me and stuff. I do NOT want to be get to the point of essentially being a rotting corpse. What kind of love do you value the most? Romantic, honestly. There's just something so special about it. If you could control one element, what would it be? Water I suppose, because it would be the most helpful. Do you prefer foxes or wolves? Man, that's hard, but I guess foxes. Could you ever deliver a baby? I don't think I could. I handle stomach pain VERY poorly, and I know I would screech loud enough to crack the damn sky before it would be time to perform the epidural. Do you think suits are sexy? Yeah. Ever been called babe? Yeah. How old is your youngest sibling? She's 23. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Sara. Favorite boy’s name? Probably Severin. Are your parents together, separated, divorced, never married, what? Divorced. Do you go online every day? Yep. What is the best quality in the last guy you kissed? The last guy I kissed, maybe his loyalty. He has ALWAYS been there for me. He's also funny as hell. What do you usually do during a kiss? Depends on how passionate it is? Do you have an older brother? I do. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Sell those bad boys. What’s the genre of the current song you’re listening to? Pop. Can you believe it?? Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? ABSOLUTELY not. I could write an actual essay on why meerkats should NOT be kept as pets. Would you ever sell your soul? Noooo thanks.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''city lights'' by motionless in white

[yeswevegotavideo]

(Found this in my drafts and thought I'd clean it up and actually post it lol. I'm not saying anything no one’s said before (and probably better), but I only started seriously thinking that I might be aspec a year or so ago, so this stuff's still pretty new for me, and I wanna talk about it!)

While I was investigating asexuality, and especially gray-asexuality, and trying to figure myself out (a job which is not remotely done btw), something clicked for me. My definition of "hot" or even of "attractive" seems to be wildly different than most people's, and I didn’t realize it until I started considering the possibility that I might be ace.

tl;dr: When I use the word, "attractive” I’ve never considered it to be synonymous with “person I want to have/might enjoy having sex with” and the fact that most people apparently do is utterly mind-blowing to me. I feel like one of those people who accidentally discover that they’re aphantasiac while reading a Reddit thread about imagination.

After the Cut: in-depth discussion of sex-favorable asexuality and sexual behavior, including the OP's thoughts on her own relationship to sex. Not particularly graphic, but sex-averse folks might want to give it a miss. Also, a long post.

I’ve looked at someone and thought, “Wow, they are hot (meaning, to me, pretty/handsome/otherwise aesthetically pleasing.)” Or, “Wow, I’d like to get to know/date them.” Or, “Wow, I’d like to snuggle with them.” Even, sometimes, “Wow, I’d like to kiss them.”

But I can basically count the number of times I’ve looked at another human being in a non-sexual situation, stranger or otherwise, and become sexually aroused or thought about sex non-deliberately on one hand. In nearly 40 years. (And probably TMI, but one of those times was literally while having sex with the person. Like, in the middle of the act I looked at them and got more aroused from the sight of them and it was novel and surprising and I almost stopped because I didn’t know what to do. And even then I’m still not entirely sure it wasn’t the circumstances I was reacting to, rather than the person.)

For most of my life, I didn’t understand the nuance between “aesthetically pleasing”, “someone I’d like to be romantically close to (snuggling, hand holding, non-sexual intimate touches like tracing skin or a massage)”, and “hot”. I honestly assumed they all meant the same thing. When I say I find someone attractive or hot, I mean they are pleasing to my eye, or I enjoy their personality, or they look like they give good hugs, or I want to spend time with them, or even that I get physically excited (heart racing, butterflies, etc) or imagine being romantically intimate with them when I look at them...but I basically never mean I get sexually excited or want sex at the sight or thought of them. Because I just...don’t.

I am very sex-favorable (a term I was delighted to discover, because it suits me quite well). I enjoy sex, I think it’s fun, I think it can be bonding (but certainly doesn’t have to be), I enjoy experiencing it with people I like or love. And sexual situations can be arousing to me (I like porn & erotica, for example. I mean I’d better, I write it, lol). But sex and attraction are separate entities for me, and the sight or presence of another person, even one I find attractive, does nothing for my sexual arousal or interest level. At all. The idea that I would automatically want to sleep with someone (or even be open to it) just because I find them attractive is bizarre to me.

And finding out that feeling sexual arousal/desire or thinking about having sex is often what other people mean when they say someone is hot is...eye-opening and a bit unsettling, honestly.  If that’s what people typically mean when they say they find other people attractive (and according to my allosexual, if decidedly hypersexual, husband, it’s certainly what he means), how do allosexual people like, function?

Because really, the few times that it has happened to me, it was extremely intense and overwhelming, and I don’t even know that I enjoyed the experience. I mostly just felt bad because I was trying really hard not to stare and had a difficult time thinking straight. 

I literally thought that people were exaggerating/being hyperbolic when they talked about seeing a hot person as like, a personal problem for them, or a distraction that prevents them from getting stuff done, derails their whole day. Did not have any idea that was an actual, real experience people had on a regular, perhaps even daily basis. Am still trying to figure out how I feel about that. I thought trying to be around someone I had a crush on was bad enough in that department, but trying to imagine experiencing that level of “cannot person” every time I see (or maybe even think about!) an attractive person is...whoa.

This starts to bleed into the whole, “I didn’t realize that other people really mean it when they say out loud that they wanted to fuck someone, and thought it was just the hyperbolic thing you say when you have a crush on someone” thing, and the ways in which that influenced my introduction to sexual interactions, but that’s honestly an entire post on its own lol

#asexuality #gray asexuality #sex favorable #sex favorable ace #ace confusion

[icharchivist]

tmi about myself i guess but it’s in regard to my previous post 

I relate to quite a few a3 chara for very various and different reasons and while there are charas i relate to more than others it’s not a 1:1 thing

but also sometimes i just. Like. I didn’t think about why this story hit me as hard as it did until just now having to word it.

My eldest sister ran away from home when i was 6 (and she was 16) never to be seen again and this kinda shapped up a lot, if not most of my life, it’s like, my biggest trauma in a sea of trauma and i don’t think i can properly word how this sort of things affects young children and a whole family dynamic.

Madoka saying that, in substance, he thought Misumi was dead suddenly hit super hard because my whole life this whole topic was extremely taboo to even mention and me and my other sister had to pretend we never had an eldest sister. Like she never existed.

because our parents were so worried about their images and the rumors that came out around the reasons of her departs that she didn’t trust us, as kids, to talk about it, so we just had to never say a word and never bring it up except if my mom was having a mental breakdown about it in which case i had to listen to her (since the relationship with my other sister got, strained with time. Leaving it at that.)

I’ve always equated my feelings toward her to what it felt like to always have a lingering ghost around. I barely even remember her and if i dig things hurt more than they should. I have the stories my family used to say but none of this connects with me. But i know i loved her so dearly and her leaving left such a.. hole we were supposed to never address that it was haunting. I’ve only recently realized that probably a huge part of me was just grieving all that time because i could never properly word what it’s like to lose someone who’s still very much alive, and whom you have to think about regularly “wonders where she’s at now” while also feeling it’s not your business anymore.

The thing is that i was 6, but my parents didn’t actually tell me she ran off until the year after - before that i thought she was staying at my grandma’s place for an undefined amount of time. Then they started opening up more about it after they divorced when i was 12 and both parents had really conflicting version of events that i had a hard time puzzling together, but both blamed her for leaving anyway.

and it’s only when i was 23 or so that i managed to dig back the lawsuit files that ensued her running away (very long story) and found a lot of damning evidence of my parent’s lies and the reasons why she left and why she was 100% right for leaving. 

This was almost hysterical to me. I remember reading it with friends and spending the whole day laughing bitterly because my parents are goddamn liars who built her up as the bad guy for basically just escaping their abuse. (some of which are things they put on me too, reading some of the papers in that file was like reading my mails sometimes.). I can’t even tell how awful it was to read up all the ways they’ve hurt her while they spent years and years telling me she was all to blame all while i was suffering the consequences of her leaving. 

Not to mention i’ve spent my whole life, everytime i had a fight with my parents, hearing thrown at my face “what are you going to do, run away too? and hurt us like she did?” and so i ended up terrified of talking back hearing that all the time, so scared to cause the very hurt i had been unable to heal from all that time, and it kept me in this abusive family trying to fix their messes because of that lasting trauma.

I’ve cut ties with my dad about 6 years ago (though it’s not that easy and all, he’s still currently suing me after all lmao (next month should be the end of that lawsuit fucking finally)) so i know more than ever how my sister may have felt and it’s just. a lot. It’s a lot to have had spent your life having to think badly of her only for this.

And, (cw a//bleism) back to why it hit just now too is the fact that, I kinda read Misumi as a/utistic coded and it just sort of hit me in the face because a lot of the abuse my sister got was because she was a/utistic and my parents constantly threw it at her face and weaponized her to create a horrible environment. One of my most ancient yet vivid memory is me as a very very young child having my father using this word as an insult for stupid on me until i fought back going that i could never be something this awful /to my sister’s face/, making me /part/ of their twisted ways to hurt her. And i’ve remembered that *years* after with horror and the knowledge i will never be able to fix it.

I didn’t *think* about it in regard of that storyline until just now and now i’m shaking with anger and fury that i can’t possibly word properly. 

On the other hand man i liked Madoka just fine on my first read but the way i’m feeling right now is sure. wow. I’ll keep my eyes out on him in act 3 i guess. 

and i guess i have now specific headcanons about the way this fucking stupid family treated it all and i don’t think that’s a win actually. Kinda hating it here;

anyway i’m shaking with rage this awoke something very deep in me and this is. making me so so upset.

i’ve been dancing around this subject for a long while talking about a3 (because yeah there’s *reasons* why Azuma’s way to push people away because of his intense grief talks to me this hard. There’s reason Hisoka, the youngest of three siblings who’s eldest is gone and the second one had a strained relationship with him, and who can’t even remember what happened to lead to that, has affected me the way it did. Or why every characters who have been neglected by their parents are giving me a viseral reaction of wanting to take care of them.) because i really don’t know how much i can open up about those stuff now online.

I used to talk about my problems a bit more before but despite trying to not tag my a3 ramblings so i could talk more about it personally, i did end up getting people to follow my liveblog and suddenly it was awkward to bring that up again (even if i think most of my older followers know all of what i just said already)

so huh this is very awkward and it’s been a while i’ve been just shafting my tmi posts in my drafts but this one is the breaking point because i didn’t see coming the amount of rage the “clicking” of what made this storyline such a hard one to read would do to me.

i’m shaking with rage wow i didn’t see that one coming.

#ichablogging a3 #ichapersonal #i'm talking a lot about stuff from my past which huh were traumatic to me so read with care? #i've been holding back talking about a lot of this for a while now but this storyline just. man.

[ahtohallan-calling]

chapter 23 of don’t read the last page is here!

masterpost

[kristanna / m / multichap / modern au with actress!anna and vetstudent!kristoff]

“Now, ah...is that Chinese food on the back of your car?”

“Uh-huh. Double order of egg rolls.”

“Oh, fuck yes,” she groaned, wriggling in his arms until he set her down with a chuckle. “This is why I’m marrying you.”

“Really? I thought it was because it means a lifetime supply of sweatshirts to steal.”

“Oh, I forgot about that,” she said, already rummaging through the bags and cracking open a container of dumplings. “Also how sexy you look in your reading glasses.”

“Can’t believe you’re so hung up on me being a sexy grandpa when I’m not even officially a dad yet.”

a/n: so yes hiatus is over! but this will probably have an erratic update schedule like everything else i do these days, sorryyyyyy

chapter 23: midsummer

“Kris! Kris, thank god you’re finally here!”

He nearly dropped the plastic bags in fright at the sound of Anna’s shout through the open front door. “What’s wrong?” he called, feeling his heart already beginning to pound; there were so many things that could go wrong, things that kept him up half the night, and he’d known this was all too good to be true and--

But then she got close enough he could see she was smiling, and he did drop the bags then-- carefully, though, and not a moment too soon, because she launched herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck as he caught her and hoisted her up so she could wrap her legs around his waist. He couldn’t hold her as close as he used to even a few weeks ago. He’d started to wonder if she was slender enough that she’d ever show at all, and then one day he’d come in to join her in the shower and done a double-take at the sight of her standing there with her hand on the now unmistakable swell of her belly and examining herself in the mirror.

“Kris,” she said breathlessly, bringing him back to the present moment. “Guess what?”

“What, baby?” he asked, knowing he was wearing his dopiest smile as he looked up at her.

“I felt him moving around in there! I thought like-- TMI, sorry-- I thought maybe it was a fart but it kept happening, and I googled it and then I called the doctor’s office and they laughed and were like ‘yeah, Anna, that’s the baby’ and-- and-- and it’s him, Kris! He’s in there!”

“Well-- well, I would hope he’s still in there,” he managed to say, too dazed for a more coherent response. 

Anna giggled. “So you admit it? That he’s a he?”

“What?” 

Her eyes softened when she realized how stunned he still was. “It’s pretty exciting, huh?”

He hadn’t realized his eyes were welling up with tears until she said that. He managed a nod, and she pressed a kiss to his forehead. “And we’re almost halfway there,” she said softly. “Halfway to meeting him.”

“Or her,” Kristoff managed to whisper. 

She laughed and leaned down to kiss him on the lips then, her fingers tightening their hold on his shoulders when he brushed the tip of his tongue just barely over hers. She had just begun to deepen the kiss further when she jerked back. 

“It happened again!”

Kristoff’s eyebrows flew up. “Like, right now?”

“Uh-huh! It feels all wiggly in there!”

He swallowed hard. “Do you, uh, do you think…”

He trailed off, feeling suddenly embarrassed, but she seemed to understand all the same, giving him another soft smile as she brushed his hair back out of his eyes. “I don’t think you can feel it this early. But soon, though. And we can try anyway if you want.”

He kissed her again, softer this time. “I love you. And the baby.”

She winked at him. “We love you too. Now, ah...is that Chinese food on the back of your car?”

“Uh-huh. Double order of egg rolls.”

“Oh, fuck yes,” she groaned, wriggling in his arms until he set her down with a chuckle. “This is why I’m marrying you.”

“Really? I thought it was because it means a lifetime supply of sweatshirts to steal.”

“Oh, I forgot about that,” she said, already rummaging through the bags and cracking open a container of dumplings. “Also how sexy you look in your reading glasses.”

“Can’t believe you’re so hung up on me being a sexy grandpa when I’m not even officially a dad yet.”

She shrugged and popped a dumpling into her mouth. “Official enough for me, Pops,” she said around a mouthful of food. “Want some?”

“Nah. Those are all for you.”

She swallowed and let out a dreamy sigh. “Fuck, I really love you.”

---

“You’re sure this is all you want to do for your birthday?” Kristoff asked from behind the wheel as he turned to her.

“Uh-huh.”

“Even though it’s not until tomorrow, so if you want to, you can have two birthdays? I’m serious, I know tomorrow’s Monday and I’ve got work, but I can still get Sven and your sister and--”

“I’m serious,” she insisted. “Even if it wasn’t for the whole still-hiding-out thing, I’d just want to spend today with you somewhere we both love.”

His cheeks colored slightly at that as he looked away from her and started to drive again. “But you like parties. Or going places. Or--”

“Kristoff, baby, I can’t drink right now, I can’t ride anything good at Disneyland, my old cute clothes don’t fit anymore, and I don’t want to do any of that these days, anyway. All I want to do is eat and sleep and, uh…”

Now she was the one blushing. 

“And what?” he pressed, glancing back at her with a teasing glint in his eye.

“Remember what we did the first time we went to this beach?”

“Played in the rain?”

“No…”

“Splashed in the water even though I told you it was storming?”

“Kris!”

He laughed and reached over to set his hand on her knee, giving it an affectionate squeeze and leaving it there, the way that still made her heart flutter after a year and an engagement and a house and a baby. “Yes, I remember. And if you’re really up for it…”

“You have no idea,” she muttered under her breath, and when she glanced up again his cheeks were even redder than before.

---

Anna’s car was parked in front of the house when he got home, but there was no sign of her once he stepped inside. She was in the kitchen more often than not these days, or napping in the living room otherwise, but when he didn’t even see her in the bathroom turning side to side and examining her reflection, Kristoff began to get worried. “Anna?” he called.

“Out back,” she shouted, and he went to the window and saw her lying on her back on a blanket in the backyard. 

Relieved, he joined her on the blanket, sitting beside her and letting his legs sprawl out. She shifted to rest her head on his lap, giving him a small smile. “How was your day?” she asked.

“Good. Lots of cute kittens. And I took a million pictures for you.”

“Did you cuddle them?”

He chuckled and brushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead. “Yes. All afternoon. And Ryder made sure there’s pictures of that, too.”

Her smile grew just a little. “Good.”

“What about you?”

The smile faded. “It was, uh...I mean, I’ve had worse days.”

Kristoff frowned as he continued stroking her hair. “It was just reshoots, right? Did they not go well?”

“No, no, they were fine. Well, costuming was kind of flustered with how much bigger I managed to get in three weeks, but we made it work.”

He moved his hand to rest on the curve of her stomach, moving gently back and forth in hopes of a response, but he felt nothing. Anna must have seen the disappointment in his face, because she turned and pressed a kiss to the side of his knee. “He’s moving in there right now, I promise. He knows it’s you.”

For a moment, the sudden swell of love in his chest distracted him, and then he saw the droop of her expression once more and frowned. “So what happened, baby?”

She sighed, closing her eyes. “I got papped when I left the set with Adam. There was a whole mob of them, must have known we were doing reshoots there. And Lena texted and said some are already on TMZ, and that Hans already tweeted something else weird and subtweety, and just...I thought it would die down. But it’s not really.”

He nudged her shoulder. “Will you sit up for me?”

“Why?”

“So I can hold you better.”

She let out a resigned huff and complied, though once his arms were around her she nestled close to him, pressing her face against his neck close enough that he could tell she was beginning to smile again.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. “That it’s happening, and that I can’t do anything to help except this.”

“This is good,” she replied, giving him a kiss in return against his collarbone. “This is all that matters, anyway.”

---

Sven was nearly beside himself with excitement when he flung open the door. “Did it work this time? Could they see it?”

“Jesus!” Anna yelped, a hand flying instinctively to her stomach. “I thought this was just for the Fourth of July, not a surprise party.”

“Do I need to revoke your key privileges?” Kristoff asked drily.

“You say that now, but when you see the ribs I’ve got waiting for you guys out back--”

“Oh, hell yes,” Anna cheered, pushing past him to go see.

“Well?” Sven asked Kristoff expectantly, tapping his foot. “Did you find out or not?”

“Maybe we did, maybe we didn’t.”

“Okay, you definitely did. Because last time when it didn’t work, you were all mopey about it, but I know that smirk, Bjorgman. So it’s official now, right? I’m getting a godson?”

“No,” called Elsa as she came up behind them with a fruit tray in hand, closely followed by Honey and Ryder. “But I’m getting a niece.”

“Okay, okay, this is a cookout, not a gender reveal party,” Kristoff insisted as he finally managed to squeeze past them all and step into the kitchen. “So maybe we won’t even tell you guys today. Anyone else want a beer?”

“I do,” Anna called cheerfully, the back door slapping shut behind her. “But I’ll settle for tomato juice.”

Ryder gagged. “You’re drinking that without it being mixed with vodka?”

“Yeah. It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” she said, reaching past Kristoff to grab the bottle. “But apparently I’m craving this, and chocolate milk still makes me puke.”

“Shit,” he said with a low whistle. “You’re really taking one for the team, huh? Eating all this gross shit just so we get a cute kid to have around.”

“Just to clarify,” Kristoff said drily as he passed around cans of beer, “that’s not the reason we’re having a baby.”

“Nope,” Anna agreed. “But I’m sure he appreciates you saying that. He’s gonna be spoiled, huh?”

The room was suddenly completely silent apart from the sound of Anna gulping down her glass of tomato juice. When she had finished, she swiped the back of her hand across her mouth and frowned. “What? Is it seriously that gross?”

“I-- did you-- is it-- we were-- oh, shit!” Sven stammered out, for once in his life unable to come up with something clever to say. 

Anna gasped, her hand flying to cover her mouth, while Kristoff laughed and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. “Well, uh, we were going to announce it in a more, uh, intentional way, but…” 

He pulled a sonogram picture out of the wallet and laid it on the counter. Immediately everyone crowded around for a closer look. “It’s a boy. And yes, Anna was right, and no, Elsa, I don’t have the cash on me right now, so I guess I do have to do the ice bucket thing.”

“It’s a boy?” Elsa squeaked, tears already rolling down her cheeks as she flung herself into Anna’s waiting arms. 

“Yeah,” Anna laughed, holding her sister as close as she could. “About time we had one in our family, huh?”

“I know I said I wanted it to be a girl,” Elsa said, pulling back enough to swipe at her eyes. “But I changed my mind, because-- because oh my god, a little boy, Anna!”

“I know!” 

“And he’s yours. My little sister is having a baby.”

“I promise this is her first beer of the night,” Honey said teasingly, though her eyes were tender as she watched Elsa step back with a watery smile.

“Oh, shit!” Sven said, raising his own. “Let’s like, toast to this. Cheers, everybody, to it being a boy and me and Anna being right and the rest of you--”

“Cheers!” the rest of them called in unison, cutting him off. 

Anna laughed and picked up the sonogram as they all drank. “Not naming names, but I think somebody around here owes me money, too,” she said, turning to the fridge. “Which I need, apparently, to buy some new magnets so I can hang this-- oh, shit!”

She’d chosen the worst magnet to remove from the collage of snapshots they had on the fridge, because most of them came cascading down to the floor. Kristoff bent quickly to scoop them up, but when Anna set a hand on his shoulder, he paused, looking up at her.

“Kris,” she asked, her voice low as she pointed at a polaroid on the floor. “What’s that one?”

He held it up to her. “You and me, when you wore that silver dress...what party was that? Why do I remember that--”

His eyes widened as they landed on the orange date printed in the corner. “Oh, shit.”

“I’m not seeing things, right?” Anna breathed. “Like, it actually says January 1st, and it’s definitely you and me, and-- and anyone who saw that would know that, right?”

“Is, uh, is everything okay?” Ryder asked, peering over at them. “Like, if those are special pictures, I promise none of us are look--”

“Oh, shit!” Sven said yet again, and Anna burst into laughter as she glanced up at him, even as tears started cascading down her cheeks. “So if you put that on Instagram or something--”

“It’s over,” she managed to say at last, flinging her arms around Kristoff’s waist when he stood again. “All the bullshit. Things can-- things can go back to normal.”

#it's back babeys! #drtlp #my fics #kristanna

[btxtreads]

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

#tags #tagging #tagged yet again #sadjkjksdajad #what a mess #im so basic wtf

[mollydollyjournals]

Sunday 31st - 157.8lbs. My waist is around 30in - it was under 29 before all this, but it went up to 32. And given my weight went from 155 to 161, this is still progress. So it's working.

The microenemas aren't pleasant. At least they're predictable I guess. Oral lax takes time, like overnight, and you never quite know - these things work in minutes, or even seconds. Everything online says stuff like 'try to hold it for 5 minutes' 'it should work within 5-20 minutes' jfc I struggled to wait 5 mins today. Yesterday it was more like 1 minute. And then you just have to go deal with it and just...yeah. It's not nice. But I think it is sorting it. So it looks like I did have an impaction. Definitely gonna remember these for if I have this problem again. I think I'd rather this than oral lax. Problem with oral lax is it sometimes just makes anything new really soft, but the hard bit is still there. I guess it depends. But I think this is actually sorting the hard bit.

I still don't really know how long is safe to use this. I looked up the ingredients and it says they're optics and softeners, but also that one works partly by irritating the intestine walls. So that sounds more like it'd count as a stimulant? I don't know. If it's a stimulant I have to be careful. I need this sorted out, but I can't let my body get used to needing lax again. Also I have generally bad health, and there is some IBD in my family so the more I fuck around with this the more likely I am to do damage. But I also need to not be literally full of shit so what can I do.

I saw a review somewhere for the microenemas that said on day 3 they felt the blockage was 'moving and starting to break up.' idk what that means exactly. Like did they do one a day? Did it not do anything for the first 2 days? So I'm not sure. I was thinking I should do one a day for 3 days. I actually did 2 yesterday but I don't wanna do that today, I should be patient. I already did one today and I think it did more. I guess I won't quite know when it's completely gone. Maybe if I get back to 155lbs/28.9" waist but even then that could be because I've cleared out more than usual. Also my eating and exercise habits have been all out of wack because of this so I won't expect to get exactly back there just yet.

I'm not trying anymore saline lax. "Saltwater flush" just doesn't seem to work for me. On Friday I did it the full amount recommended everywhere online and all it did was make my skin dry and wrinkly and give me heart palpitations; yesterday I tried with half the amount to be safe in case it didn't work again, which I'm glad I did because it also didn't work. I drank a lot of water both times afterwards to try to deal with the salt overload. But I think that would be a bad idea for me to try again. My heart still feels weak today, and I'm still really pudgy in my face and such. I'm trying to just drink a lot of fluids and make sure I'm hydrated enough to flush out the excess salt.

I realised this has been an issue for 2 weeks now. It was the 17th I think, when I first noticed a change, and then in the next few days it became a big issue, about a week ago was when I was starting to worry, idk. My sense of time is terrible and I'm not looking directly at what I've written right now, so I may be a little off. But I definitely remember noticing something on the 17th because I mentioned it to the nurse I saw on the 18th. So it's been a while. Food is taking about 10 days to go through my system (I did a corn experiment... yeah) which is way longer than it should. Idk. Meant to be 2-5 days or something.

---

End toilet tmi because I really hate that stuff anyway, it's just been the major issue for me recently.

I really want some wine. I can't. Last time I had some was Wednesday - only a glass. I probably could do the same today, or even two glasses, but it'd be counterproductive re hydration and such. The urge is there but it's not unbearable. There's new attack on titan today, which I'll end up watching then reading up on, then I have to do some housework if I can, then the day is pretty much over, then if I get through 2 more days I've done a week of zero alcohol. Then I guess I'll decide what to do.

My food cravings are all over the place. My whole digestive system is confused recently. It's taking more willpower not to binge, which is the opposite of what makes sense seeing as I feel extra disgusting. Idk. I have to try to force myself to fill up on berries and vegetables. At least that should take the edge off junk cravings.

Ugh idk I kind of feel like by rambling I'm making progress. I'm happy something is solving the impaction problem, and I hope it transitions smoothly back to normal. Then I hope I can actually get back to losing weight. I'm so far behind. I turn 30 this year and I wanted to go into my 30s with something to feel like I've improved on my 20s, I'm healthier and happier with my body, etc. Instead I feel worse. It's confirming all the stereotypes of being old and disgusting. I can't deal with it.

[benbantz]

Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities   and cross overs , but ultimately different  Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks.           Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-) 

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or  his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little. 

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw,  take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

 *Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

 Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things,  (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day.  - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense)  I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either.  - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear)  - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

 Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting  phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me!  Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised  'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew)  - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks.  I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol.  I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou)  Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.  

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects  from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly. 

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different,   (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.)  it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion  - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human)       I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first  'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)  

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day  - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week)  So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) -  fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine.  People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary! 

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..'  ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead  'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole.   Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.   

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?'  it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from.  This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate. 

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-) 

Stay safe everyone x

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