#prince tea shitposts

[greenteaanon]

Imagine reader who forgets time, like they forget to eat, to drink, to do anything else other than their current activity and just forgets all concepts of time.....Now add that to Genshin time difference to irl time.

Self aware AU:

"Just one more Flower for—" you were cut off by the chime of the clock. It was Midnight. "What the fuck, Wasn't it just 6pm" you spoke to yourself, Through the screen everyone has been looking at eachother in a state of shock,.for them it's been a few weeks. And you haven't eaten or slept??

Imposter AU:

"Man how long have I've been running from them....." You sat down near a berry bush to catch your breathe and picking the berries as you go. "IMPOSTER YOUVE BEEN RUNNING FOR 3 DAYS" one of your characters snuck up behind you pointing their weapon at you. "3 days???? I thought it was 2 hours??? I HAVENT EVEN EATEN ANYTHING" You are more confused than anyone at the moment. "YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!??" Now it's just become a confused argument back and forth.

Soft AU:

"Your Grace...Would you like to eat??" Someone knocked on your door. "uhhh what time is it?" You looked up from your collection of offerings you were organizing. "it's 13:34 Your Grace" they said respectfully bowing. "didn't I just eat an hour ago?" You ask yourself. And they reply butting in "It's the next day" You stare with a face clear of Saying What the fuck and said. "it's..the. What.!?"

#greenteaanon #prince tea shitposts #prince tea ideas #sagau #genshin fanfic #genshin sagau #genshin impact sagau #genshin impact #genshin impact cult au #genshin cult au

[cosmicstarlatte]

Reality Show: Dateables (Obey Me!)

Diavolo and the others agreed to become a part of a new demon reality show that revolves around their lives.

»Characters: Dateables // ->[Click here for Part 1: Demon Bros]

»Tags: Shitpost/Humor, Bulleted Style, Solomon On His BS LMAO, Slight Mentions of MC

»Notes: Now I do, thanks for asking Anon!♡ // CM= Crew Member

Diavolo:

"Haha! Make sure you get my good side yeah!?"

He was ecstatic, this was the most exciting thing he's done in a while

His camera crew was nervous at first but then relaxed when they saw how easy-going the prince was

Then got nervous again when Barbatos threatened them to remind them who they're in the presence of

Filming him kept them on their toes, it was either going to be an easy normal day or a chaotic one

[Camera zooms in on Dia's photo album and zooms out to an excited Dia]

"Oh, oh! And this is me and Lucifer at the carnival! And this one is me and MC! And here's us all together!"

CM: "My lord may we ask how you feel about MC?"

[Camera pans to Dia reaching for a journal titled MC Fanfiction ]

"I'm glad you asked."

Barbatos shut that down real quick and made them cut that last part that day

[Camera cuts to Dia doing selfie POV and running from Barbatos and the crew] "-AND LUCIFER HAS THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS B-"

[Camera cuts momentarily, flashes of Lucifer and Dia struggling]

Naturally, the demons loved the prince even more after filming ended, it was nice to see another side of him

Barbatos:

"Delete that. Understood? 🙂"

Hated the entire show idea and tried to talk Diavolo out of it however he lost that battle

His camera crew was scared the entire time but filming him was easy for the most part

Viewers liked seeing the day to day things the butler did for the prince like preparing meals and organizing events

[Camera shakes as they trail behind Barbatos]

"You can't follow me into my room."

CM: "But the contract states-"

"🙂"

(nervous) CM: "Wow what's that!?" [Shakily zooms in on a clean empty corner]

[Distant camera keeps panning between Barbatos and a rat having a stand off just outside the castle grounds... it runs at him]

"TELL THE YOUNG MASTER IT WAS AN HONOR-"

CM: (Scares the rat in the opposite direction)

[Camera cuts to a disheveled Barb up in a tree]

"...Do you like pastries? Luxurious rare teas? How do you like to be rewarded?"

Simeon:

"Um...hello. I'm Simeon, an exchange student from the Celestial Realm."

Didn't mind being filmed but wasn't sure how to act so:

Main Character energy, he talked like he was on livestream, very show and tell; exactly what the show needed

His crew had a pleasant time with him and viewers loved the angel

[Camera zooms out and pans around his room, focusing on a sheep plushie]

"So this is where I live...and these are my things. I love to write in my spare time!"

[Camera pans to him looking out his window]

"You can see the House of Lamentation from this spot. Always seems to be on fire on Thursdays. Explosions are Saturdays. (BOOM) Ah, right on time. (sips tea)"

[Camera quickly zooms in on his shoulders and hips losing some focus] He's unaware of the fanservice he provides

CM: "Do angels ever get crushes, are they allowed? There's rumors with you and MC-"

"Um, well, you see, oh HEY LUKE! Sorry guys I promised I'd help him with baking!"

[Camera cuts to him pulling an annoyed Luke out the room]

CM to CM: "Can angels ever lie!? Is that allowed!?"

Luke:

"For the last time, I'm not a chihuahua!"

(whispering) CM to CM: "Heh, the rumors are true. He's got a little bark in him!"

Luke was nervous about filming but Simeon helped

His crew had a hard time with him; not that Luke was difficult but more so the crew had to watch what they say or how they act around the young angel

[Camera zooms in through the kitchen door and catches Luke dropping a whole bowl of batter]

They caught him saying his first bad word

Demons liked this 👍 Simeon did not 👎

CM: "That's too high, let me get that for you."

"I can do it myself, thanks!"

[Camera pans to Luke falling, scraping his knee and tearing up]

(sighing) CM: "Come here, I got a band-aid."

Solomon:

"Is this for a cooking show?"

Would not listen and made it a cooking show

His crew rolled with it anyway since it was easy to film him

"Welcome to Solo Cooking!"

Viewers were a little confused but continued watching

[Camera tries to focus on the fresh dish he made]

CM: "Oh that looks good can we try it?"

"By all means!"

His crew had to take a few days off from nearly dying so production moved slowly

One of the CMs ended up quitting and suing but Barb took care of it

[Camera catches Solo calling & inviting MC for dinner]

Out of good faith, one of the crew took his phone and chucked it

"...You could've just said you and the crew wanted an invitation? There's enough-"

His entire crew: (start running)

Viewers were a little disappointed, they thought they'd see more of the sorcerers life

There was one clip though

[Camera catches Solomon and the rarely seen Levi hanging out and laughing]

For some reason that clip became popular and was deemed precious

⬦You might also like: MC's Livestream

#OUTRAGEOUS WHAT DIA!? BOOBS? BOOTY? BODY? BODACIOUS BODY!? 🤨 #Solomon: I finally made it 💯 #Angel Smut/Kink tags shot up LMAO #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me shitpost #obey me crack #obey me humor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me simeon #obey me luke #obey me solomon #obey me dateables #◇˖・ﾟ— › cosmic obey me . ⊹ #✩ — the star: anon! #shitpostcifer

[cyberphuck]

ASSASSIN’S APPRENTICE ABRIDGED: PART FOUR

My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about the Farseer Trilogy, but doesn’t want to have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them!

 EDIT: Halfway through Jhaampe I start calling “The Big Turnip” the “Big Onion” instead and I can’t be arsed to fix it.

Read Previous Entries!

 Alright Bastards and Old Bloods, this is it: the final entry and JUMBO-LENGTH conclusion to Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged!

 - Excerpt from Chade Fallstar's private writings, Grune 28th, 1497:

Dear Diary, the other day we caught a little zombie-Forged girl and I've been keeping her in a jar with a stick and a leaf. If I shake the jar, she talks. She knows who she is and who her family is, and she also knows a lot of swear words. I gave her some bread when she wasn't hungry and she said "shove it up your ugly ass." I tried to teach her a trick and she bit me. I decided to send her to live on a farm upstate along with Chivalry and Prince Regal's mom.

 Love, Chadey.

 While Chade has been playing Jane Goodall with Forged people, Fitz has been very busy being an alcoholic. One evening, Chade calls Fitz up into his wall-hole and says "It's time for you to stop being a drunk and for the readers to remember who Prince Verity is."

 "Why is there a hay bale in the corner of your--"

 "Prince Verity is Chivalry's younger brother and currently King-in-Waiting for the throne," the Fool says, lounging underneath the hay bale. "That makes Prince Regal next in line after Verity. Just so you know."

 "Right," Chade nods. "Fitz, your job from now on is to hang out with Verity in his Fortress of Solitude and do whatever he wants you to do."

 "I'm fourteen," Fitz says.

 "Don't argue with me, boy, I've got a wedding to plan. By the way, did you ever figure out who tried to kill Burrich?"

 Fitz shrugs. "I figured somebody tried to kill him because he's Burrich."

 "Ah yes, the age-old solution of 'things just happen, what the hell," Chade rolls his eyes. "Well, go on, shoo. Go bother Verity."

 Sighing, Fitz climbs thirty-nine flights of stairs to where Verity is sitting in his empty tower room and staring out the window. "Breakfast, your highness," Fitz announces.

 "Ew," Verity moans.

 "There's also a cup of tea with enough caffeine in it to kill some sort of very big gray trumpet animal," Fitz offers.

 "Yeah, okay, I'll take that."

 "So, uh," Fitz says, standing there awkwardly as Verity drinks an amount of stimulant that should make his heart explode, "watcha doin up here?"

 "Defending the kingdom."

 Fitz looks out the window at the ocean. He looks back at Verity. "Like... with a gun?"

 Verity smiles softly. "Oh, you're stupid. I like that in a person I'm going to use as a tool for the rest of my life."

 "I like you, too," Fitz says, tail wagging.

 "I'm using the Skill to confuse the Vikings so they won't raid our shit and turn our people into zombies," Verity explains. "I'd ask Galen's Skill students to help but they're pretty useless. Hey, didn't Galen teach YOU how to Skill?"

 "Oh, he tried but I'm bad at it, it's because I'm a basta-- HHHHGGGHHGHGHHGHHHHHH KEPPET.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO GHHHGH TROJAN DETECTED TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT GHHGGHHHH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CLICK HERE TO CHAT GHHGHGGGHHHHHH"

 "Huh," Verity says after thoroughly mentally assaulting Fitz without warning or permission. "Looks like someone used the Skill to convince you you were bad at Skilling. That’s just one of the many things the Skill can do that I will reveal to you whenever I feel like it, which will usually be AFTER you need to know.”

 "I think I need an adult," Fitz whimpers from the floor.

 Verity chuckles fondly. "I am an adult. Too bad I don't really have time to teach you to Skill properly. That probably won't come back to bite us. Run along now, stop crying. Oh, and see if Chade can get you to murder that gross noble two counties over."

 A few weeks later, at breakfast, Fitz tries to eat Coco Puffs as quietly as possible while Verity and Shrewd argue.

 "I don't WANT to get married," Verity says for the eighteenth time. "I've gotta keep sitting in the Martyr Tower and keeping Vikings from attacking us!"

 "Well guess what, bucko, I'm your father AND your king and if I say you're getting married then you fucking are!" Shrewd rage-butters a scone. "And I swear to Eda if you pull a Malicious Compliance like your older brother and marry the absolute worst candidate for queen you can find then I'll look the other way when YOU'RE assassinated too!"

 Fitz slowly reaches for the cereal box, eyes wide.

 "It'll be good for morale, Verity," Shrewd goes on. "Everybody'll be like, 'oh, if the Prince is getting married and pumping babies into some foreign woman then being murdered by Vikings really isn't that bad!'"

 "And who did Regal choose for me to be married to?" Verity asks.

 Shrewd looks at the smudged writing on his hand. "The Kraken," he announces.

 "You mean Kettricken?" Verity says. "The mountain princess? I'm like twice her age. And I don't have time to go to the mountains to grab her, Vikings will totally Vike you all while I'm gone!"

 "Well SOMEBODY'S gotta go up there and grab her," Shrewd insists.

 "Figure it out," Verity snaps as he storms out of the room. "And by the way, Fitz has been sitting there eating six bowls of sugar cereal because he has no adult supervision!"

 He slams the door.

 "Hi Grandpa Shrewd," Fitz says into the silence.

 "Hello, Lil Accident. Just so you know, Kettricken is only second in line to the mountain throne. First is her brother Rurisk, who took an arrow to the chest a couple years back and now is about to die from Being Poisoned to Get Him Out of the Way."

 "Yes Grandpa Shrewd.”

 Chade Spidermans down from the ceiling. "You're sending him and not me? Why?"

 "Plot reasons," Shrewd says, taking the cereal box away from Fitz.

 "Oh boy," Fitz says, jumping up. "I'm gonna go tell my friend the Fool!"

 The Fool's not in his room, but a bunch of other cool stuff is: every Lego set from 1973 onward, a bunch of those neon-colored ponchos from the 90's, Sudoku puzzles completed in ballpoint pen, and A BABY????

 Oh wait, that's a doll. Looks like a baby though. Weird.

 Next Fitz goes to visit Patience. Patience is sifting through an old jewelry box; she sits Fitz down so she can hold different things up to him and see how they look.

 "Hmm. No, too subtle... this one's too gaudy. Ah, yes, this one." Patience pulls out a black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "Yes, this is perfect. Put it on, Fitz."

 It's eventually decided that since Verity can't go to the mountains, Regal is going to be a stand-in at the wedding and then they'll have another wedding later when the Kraken comes down to Buckkeep. Fitz is loading up the horse-van for the journey when the Fool cartwheels up to him.

 "I have something for you," the Fool jingles.

 "I didn't go in your room and touch your doll or accidentally drop your seven thousand five hundred and forty one piece Millenium Falcon Lego set," Fitz blurts.

 "Take this Pepto Bismol," the Fool says, "and don't eat anything weird in the mountains."

 "Don't worry about me, Fool," Fitz laughs. "I'm sure nothing bad'll happen."

 Fitz goes on a road trip. August, Fitz's cousin and current member of the Skill Gang, is going with them to help Verity Skill-connect to the wedding when it's time. Hands the stableboy is also there, which is nice, because they're taking the I-5 to Jhaampe, the mountain capital, and there's not a lot to look at on the way. They travel through a lot of places that Fitz is just going to have to travel through again in two books while being chased by Regal, so all he really notices is that there's a shitton of grass, a bigass lake, and only one set of hot girls who want to give him and hands their first sexual experience (the girls' mom shows up and hits them with a sandal until they go home).

 The wedding party climbs into the foothills of the mountain kingdom, and there waiting for them are... the Vikings?

 Okay, so the group of seafaring raiders that I've been referring to as "The Vikings" are culturally sort of more like Mongol raiders. It's not really a one-to-one comparison but the important point here is that the mountain people are what we in the real world would typically imagine Vikings to be, except that here in the Six Duchies the Vikings are the Vikings and the mountain people only LOOK like Vikings, Fitz is Simba, Regal is Scar and I think the Fool is Horatio.

 Are we clear? Alright moving on.

 Fitz and co. are greeted by a welcoming party of mountain people, who are tall and pale and blond. They're super friendly and cheerful, singing the Songs of Their People and totally confusing Hands, who doesn't speak Mountain. Fitz doesn't speak Mountain either, probably. Maybe.

 They arrive in Jhaampe, where the buildings look like if you cut off the tops of the towers in Red Square or planted a bunch of turnips upside down. A second welcoming party pops up, and when August and his cronies complain that their feet are tired and they don't feel like walking anymore, the mountain peeps carry them into the city on planks. Fitz is extremely embarrassed by this and is trying not to cringe all the way down into his tights.

 To seem less like a lazy dick who makes strangers carry him places for no reason, Fitz strikes up a conversation with one of the old ladies carrying his plank. Her name is Jonqui and she knows a lot about the city, and slows the plank down so she can point out interesting landmarks and gardens.

 "Pull-Out Fail speaks good Mountain," she remarks, grinning. "Maybe he learned as a tadpole?"

 "I'm just super good with languages I probably grew up speaking," Fitz shrugs.

 They arrive at the biggest turnip, which serves as Jhaampe's royal palace. Jonqui escorts Fitz inside and he finds that it's not really a palace, it's more like a tent made out of a tree, with a lot of open space in the middle, and there's not a whole lot of private spaces that he might use to murder their prince.

 Whatever, he'll figure it out.

 "Come, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says, herding Fitz to a center stage. "We will watch our Shift Manager present his Shift Manager to be your Shift Manager."

 "Shift Manager?"

 "Yes, that is what we call our royalty. When someone comes to demand to speak to the person in charge, the Shift Manager is the one we have chosen to throw under the bus," Jonqui explains. "It is a very important duty."

 Besides King Eyod, who is an old person, there are two random mountain folk in white dresses. Fitz eyeballs them and wonders where the rest of the royal family is. "The girl one," Jonqui says, elbowing Fitz, "she is my niece."

 "Neat," Fitz yawns, still looking around for someone wearing a crown. "That other guy looks like He-Man."

 "Yes, he is my nephew."

 Gifts are exchanged.

 "This isn't going to be like that one scene in Midsommar, is it?" Fitz asks warily. "You're not going to like, set these people on fire?"

 "This," King Eyod announces, taking He-Man by the shoulder, "is my son, Shift Manager Rurisk, first in line to the throne of the mountain kingdom. And here is Shift Manager Kettricken, who shall marry the Shift Manager of the Six Duchies and become their General Manager, She Who Sets the Schedule."

 There is general oohing and ahhing and applause. Fitz realizes he's been chatting boredly with the King's sister this entire time. Why hadn't Regal sent any kind of message to the wedding party ahead of time to warn them that the mountain people liked to play Undercover Boss? No, Regal had just texted to remind them to bring his Gucci underwear, the dick.

 Jonqui drags Fitz over to meet Kettricken and Rurisk. "Kids, this is Pull-Out Fail Farseer," she says. "Now you go run along and play, and be back when the streetlights come on."

 "Yes, in our language we call him 'The Bastard' because he sucks," August chimes in helpfully. Rurisk glares at him.

 "Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "I knew your father. And I spoke with him, on the day that he'd learned that he'd knocked up one of our people. He was a good man."

 "This joke is getting kind of old," Fitz says. "Listen, my name is Fitzchivalry--"

 "Oh, Fitzchivalry Farseer?" Kettricken brightens. "You poison people, right? Regal told me all about you and how you run around with Lady Thyme murdering people in the Six Duchies. It's so good to finally meet you!"

 "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Fitz replies articulately.

 "Come on," Kettricken says excitedly, "let's go to the herb garden. I heard you like herbs."

 On the way out to the herb garden, Fitz forgets that Kettricken knows he's an assassin and notices she has boobs, because he's fourteen. Together they get enthused about plants and shit, and they take a stroll around the herbs.

 "Taste this one, it's really weird," Kettricken says. "... What's that thudding noise? With a jingle? It sounds like someone's court jester is banging their head against a wall."

 "I hear that a lot," Fitz shrugs. "I usually just ignore it. You said to eat this plant I've never heard of? Mm, spicy!"

 "So," Kettricken asks as she stops a speeding train with one muscular arm, "what's my future husband like? Shift Manager Regal told me that he's really old and nasty and that he just sits in a recliner watching Fox News all day."

 "He's thirty two," Fitz tells her, mentally adding a dick to the big ol' bag that he wishes Regal would eat. "Verity is super nice, and funny, and he has fun hobbies and he likes animals. He's really handsome, too, he has gorgeous black hair and shining eyes and big broad shoulders and a really nice ass--"

 "So Shift Manager Regal lied to me." Kettricken frowns, biting her lip. "Does he lie about a lot of things?"

 "They hang people in my country for having an opinion on that," Fitz says.

 "Regal was six Jagerbombs deep one night and told me all about how you loved sneaking around and killing people," Kettricken confesses. "He said that if you showed up with the wedding party, it meant that you were here to poison my brother to get him out of the way and make me the heir to the mountains."

 "What haha that's weird what a weird thing to say haha," Fitz stammers, foaming at the mouth.

 Rurisk and Jonqui come running down the path to fetch Kettricken, telling her that there's a thing at the thing she has to do, remember that thing? And Fitz smiles and waves bye to them and then walks happily back to his room in the tree-palace and starts frantically digging through his stuff for the Pepto Bismol the Fool gave him.

 Rurisk bursts into the room at five the next morning, waving a bottle of Mountain Bismol. "Pull-Out Fail, are you still alive?!"

 "I wish I wasn't," Fitz moans, face pressed against the rug. "Get away from me with that."

 "He's not dead, no thanks to you," Rurisk says, glaring at Kettricken as she peeks into the doorway wearing footie pajamas. "Go get us some breakfast, and don't fucking poison it!"

 Fitz tries to stand up and faceplants on the bed. "Stop making the floor move."

 "Someone told Kettricken you were here to kill me," Rurisk explains. "I told her not to worry about it, but she thought it'd be a good idea to trick you into eating what we call Fentanyl Flowers and then not tell me about it until fifteen minutes ago."

 Kettricken comes back into the room with donuts and coffee. Rurisk breaks a donut into three pieces, giving each of them a piece. "And if this is poisoned, you've killed us all," he warns.

 "Oh my god, that was one time," Kettricken whines.

 "Listen, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says earnestly. "My little dinky mountain kingdom needs the space for farmland down on your big prairies. We need cool stuff from the town that the Liveship Traders books take place in. We need a beach for our college students to go to on Spring Break. So I'm willing to give you ethically sourced furs, good lumber for warships, and my hot little sister as trade."

 Fitz pauses with a donut halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean, 'ethically sourced furs'?"

 "We shave bears. It's not important right now. What is important is that you don't have to kill me to get me out of the way, because I'm on YOUR side. Do you get me?"

 "I get you," Fitz nods.

 "Good. Now I'm going the fuck back to bed. Kettricken, don't poison anybody on the way back to your room."

 "If you don't stop I'm gonna tell DAD--"

 Fitz lays back on the bed. He closes his eyes and wonders if communism should be a thing. Then he thinks, no, having a monarchy is definitely a good idea. What could go wrong with having a ruling class of divine-right royalty who are constantly murdering each other for the throne? And surely there's no drawback to having a Prince that's an evil little shit who commits crimes against humanity with no fear of punishment or reprisal.

 Yeah. Kings are the best.

 The next day Rurisk invites Fitz out to the dog kennels. Fitz loves dogs! Then they turn a corner to find a very old hound dog whose jowls, ears, belly and tail are all dragging on the ground as he waddles up to them, and the music swells as Fitz cries "Nosy!!" and kneels down to hug him.

 "That's my loyal old hound dog," Rurisk says. "Burrich the stablemaster sent him to me in a little basket with a bow on it years ago."

 "I had a socially unnacceptable soul-bond with this dog," Fitz explains.

 "Gross," Rurisk smiles. "Anyway, I gotta go do Prince stuff. Smell you later."

 Fitz immediately goes to find Burrich, who is in the Big Turnip presenting a horse to Kettricken as a wedding present. Cob--

 Wait, there's a note here. It says, "Cob is the stable boy that Fitz and Nosy met when they first came to Buckkeep." There's a piece of straw taped to it.

 Cob is there too, and he makes sure to give Fitz the middle finger as he approaches.

 "Burrich, I need to talk to you," Fitz says. "I just found out you didn't kill Nosy when I was little."

 Burrich stops what he's doing and turns slowly to stare at him. "I'm sorry, you thought I killed a puppy? Jesus, no wonder you were so twitchy as a kid."

 "But you didn't kill a puppy," Fitz says. "And we can still be friends."

 "You thought I was a monster who would [BUILD A ROCKET SHIP SO THAT AN ANIMAL COULD RETURN TO ITS HOME PLANET] if I'd found out you'd bonded with it, but you turned around and bonded with another fucking puppy," Burrich growls. "Which I told you is nasty, so no, we can't be friends."

 Fitz drags himself sadly back to the Big Turnip.

 That night, Fitz is getting ready for bed when Regal's servant turns up at his door. "Hey fuckwad, Prince Regal wants to talk to you," he says, and drags Fitz by the wrist up to Regal's royal Regal room.

 Regal is chilling in his chambers doing epic bong rips out of the skull of a dead orphan, like not a dirty street urchin, but specifically an adorable little ragamuffin with soot on their little tophat that flew off comically when Regal took them out from five hundred yards away with a sniper rifle. "What's up, DICKchivalry," he sneers, then high-fives one of his minions.

 "Hi," Fitz says, forcing a smile.

 "Have you gotten around to murdering Prince Rurisk yet?" Regal coughs.

 "Uh."

 "Uh," Regal says mockingly. "God, you're stupid. Isn't he stupid, minion who has no business hearing any of this?"

 "Absolutely idiotic, my Prince."

 "Prince Rurisk said he's on our side," Fitz says, "and that he wants us to have the lumber we need and his sister and everything. I figured maybe it'd be better to like, not kill him."

 "Alright, since you're too dumb to plan an assassination, I'll figure it out for you," Regal says as his minion loads another bowl. "I want him graveyard dead before the wedding so he doesn't stand next to me and make me look short. Now fuck off."

 Fitz fucks off with many a backward glance, wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do now. There's no signal in the mountains so he can't send a message to Chade or King Shrewd to tell him that Rurisk is cool actually, and even though Regal sucks, like, REALLY sucks, he IS a Prince and Fitz is a tool of the Crown so he does technically have to follow orders.

 What the fuck is Regal's problem? Fitz thinks while brushing his teeth the next morning. Why did he tell Kettricken that I'm an assassin? Why does he want Rurisk dead so bad when Ru-Dawg is on our side? Gosh, I wish I could talk to Chade or Verity or Grandpa Shrewd or literally anyone, but they're so far away, and--

 Oh right, the Skill.

 "AUGUST," Fitz pants, sneakers squeaking as he skids to a halt in front of his cousin. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Look: do you see this silver pin, with the ruby in it? King Shrewd gave this to me when I was nine and sitting under a table eating leftover pies. The Fool and Regal were there too, and there were some puppies, and King Shrewd knelt down and gave me the pin and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him, I could just show this pin at his door and he'd let me talk to him, no matter what, and there's something really important going on so I need you to send a Skill message to him right now."

 August looks at him for a minute. "No," he says finally, and turns to leave.

 Fitz grabs his sleeve. "August you HAVE to let me talk to Shrewd, there are LIVES at stake!"

 "Okay fine, jeez," August says, shaking him off. "I'll get Shrewd on the line."

 "Great! Great. Okay. Tell him, uh." Fitz takes a deep breath. "Tell him Prince Rurisk is doing great and I don't think we should kill hi-- uhhhhhhhhh, I mean GIVE him the PRESENT that we were going to POISON him with."

 "You're such a fucking spaz," August mutters, closing his eyes to make a Skill Call. Then he shrugs. "It went straight to voicemail."

 "Redial," Fitz says desperately.

 "No, I've got important cousin shit to do, including telling Regal that you just tried to get me to dial long distance to talk to the King." August walks across the palace to talk to Regal, but the Prince is high as fuck and doesn't care.

 Fitz leans against the wall and makes a thinky face. "Maybe I could kill Regal," he says for what will be the first of several hundred times. "Eh, probably not worth it."

 That night, Regal's minion gives Fitz a little secret packet of horrible deadly poison. "Regal gave me this to give to you to give to Prince Rurisk," he says. "Put it in his drink and make it look like an accident."

 "Did King Shrewd send me here as some kind of complicated political maneuver where I would kill Rurisk and then be publicly hanged for murder so no one would find out that we killed Rurisk for political gain?" Fitz asks.

 "Take the fucking accident powder," the minion snaps.

 Fitz walks through the Big Onion to Kettricken's door, where he knocks and tells her that he's going to kill her brother. Then he goes to Rurisk's room, with Kettricken following behind. He sits down at Rurisk's table and dumps the accident powder into a glass of wine while Rurisk watches. Then they both drink from a different glass.

 "Kind of sucks that Shift Manager Regal told everyone you're an assassin, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "You wanna hang out here in the mountain kingdom so you don't end up at the bottom of a lake with your feet encased in concrete?"

 "Maybe," Fitz says. "I think somebody's supposed to catch me in the act of killing you just now, will you let them in?"

 Cob bursts in the door. "Caught you red handed poisoning the Prin-- OH FUCK KETTRICKEN YOU DIDN'T DRINK THAT WINE DID YOU??"

 "No, why?"

 Rurisk falls over dead.

 "Wait, why is he dead, we both drank from the same gl-- wow, I do NOT feel so great," Fitz says, foaming at the mouth again.

 Cob grabs him. "I sent Smithy to space," he grins.

 "Yeah, well I have a poisoned knife," Fitz replies, stabbing him with it.

 "Sweet mountain Jesus, someone stop him, he's killing everyone!" Kettricken yells, then realizes she's holding a heavy metal object and beans Fitz in the head with it.

 Fitz wakes up in the stables outside the Big Onion with Regal already monologuing over him. "I wanted you dead because you and Lady Thyme poisoned my mother!"

 "Queen Desire, Shrewd's second queen who died at some point in this book but Fitz literally cared so little that he didn't even mention it," says a nearby hay bale.

 "Thank you, hay bale," Regal says. "You thought I didn't know you poisoned her, but I DID know! I also know that you were using Burrich to Skill, but as soon as I had Cob stab him you were forced to stop. I knew ALL of these things!"

 "Glag," Fitz says, concussed. Then he closes his eyes, and suddenly he can Skill.

 "Hi, Prince Regal," Galen the Skillmaster says. "Are you ready for me to Skill-Kill Prince Verity during the wedding so you can marry Kettricken and be King-in-Waiting?"

 "Ugh, but she looks like a Soviet Union propaganda poster," Regal moans.

 "Suck it up," Galen says, hitting 'end call.'

 Fitz is still laying on his face in the stables. Nosy noses in and ambles over to drool on him, then bites through the ropes Fitz is tied up with. Burrich shows up next.

 "You have the Wit," Fitz tries to say, but he's still suffering poison damage and the 'hit in the head' debuff, so it comes out as "Glaggaglah."

 "I'm in the closet," Burrich says. "Did King Shrewd turn you into a baby assassin?"

 "Glag," Fitz confirms sadly.

 Burrich looks back at him, then does a double-take. "Where the fuck did you get that collar that says 'DADDY' on it?" he demands.

 "Patience glave it to me."

 "I cannot fucking believe this," Burrich mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's the collar that I gave to your dad."

 Fitz looks at him.

 "You gave it to Prince Chivalry when he found out about me," Fitz says. "That's why it says 'DADDY,' because that's when he found out he was a father."

 "Sure, we'll go with that," Burrich says queerly.

 Jonqui, King Eyod's sister, clips through the wall while T-posing. "Come back to the Big Onion," she says. "Kettricken has forgiven you for poisoning her brother. Which I know you didn't do."

 They drag Fitz back to his rooms at the Big Onion. While Fitz is trying to remember how to drink water, August shows up at the door. "Verity called," he says boredly. "He said, uh, be loyal to who's loyal to you, or something. Also all of Regal's servants died mysteriously and he wants you to go to the hot springs to help him bathe."

 "I do not want to see Regal naked," Fi tz protests, but goes anyway.

 Regal's sitting in a hot tub drinking an evil martini when Fitz and Burrich arrive. "Ah, there you are," Regal says. "Hulking Manservant, bang Burrich over the head."

 Burrich goes down. Fitz yells timber. Regal drags Fitz over to another hot tub, ignoring the sign that says 'WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS HOT TUB IF YOU HAVE BEEN RECENTLY BETRAYED BY YOUR EVIL UNCLE' and throws him in.

 "And that's that," Regal says happily, dusting off his hands, and leaves.

 Fitz, flailing around in the water being hot tubbed to death, can suddenly Skill (again). This is great! He Skills joyously. Skilling is rad! I'm gonna call everyone! Hey Verity! VERITY! ... Verity?

 "Dearly Beloved..."

 The Fool looks up from his Adult Coloring Book. "Hm?"

 "We are gathered here today to join these two second bananas in holy matrimony. Do you, Prince Verity..."

 Verity! Fitz Skill-yells. Look out!! Skillmaster Galen is standing behind you about to pull a Skill Dracula on you and suck out all your, uh, Skill! That's a thing that can happen apparently!

 I am actually Queen Desire's bastard son and Prince Regal's half brother! Galen Skills evilly. I'm pretty sure there's no member of the Farseer reign that HASN'T either sired or given birth to a bastard! Like seriously, as a family we legit just cannot keep our pants on. ANYWAY! I have been conspiring to kill Verity and put Regal on the thro-- oh okay apparently you can just straight kill someone with the Skill too, who knew.

 Galen collapses, Skill-dead.

 AUGUST, Verity Skill-megaphones into August the Skill-cousin's ear. PUT THE KRAKEN ON THE LINE SO I CAN TELL HER IT WASN'T ME WHO PLOTTED TO KILL PRINCE RURISK. AND ALSO THAT I RESPECT HER AS A PERSON AND WILL GREET HER WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT BUCKKEEP WITH A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND A MANLY NOD.

 August's head explodes.

 ~epilogue~

 Fitz and Burrich are later found in a wet, unconscious pile in the steams. Fitz has puncture marks in his wrist from where Nosy pulled him out of his hot tub tomb before climbing into his rocketship and flying back to his home planet.

 Though neither of them are dead, Burrich has conveniently forgotten that Fitz is a baby assassin, and Fitz probably can't be a baby assassin anymore because he has about thirty seizures a day due to being poisoned and then poisoned again and then blugeoned and kicked and drowned all in the space of like thirty minutes.

 They spend a long time recovering in Jhaampe, even after Kettricken and Regal (remember him? he's still alive) go down to Buckkeep. Burrich tells Fitz that they're friends again and that he'll go wherever Fitz goes because he's wearing the 'DADDY' collar. Fitz says, "Because you... view me as a parental figure? I guess?"

 Burrich replies, "Sure. We'll go with that." NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BOOK Z: Fitz has his Hot Girl Summer, immediately followed by his Shit’s Wack Winter, in ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED! 

#rote #assassin's apprentice #farseer trilogy #fitzchivalry farseer #robin hobb #aa abridged #farseer trilogy abridged

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! How are you? I want to thank you for all you do keeping the fandom alive and united. I feel a lot of us come here for some guidance, at least so we can connect with others that have the answers we are looking for. What you do here is invaluable. Thank you.

That's the reason why I would like to share this with you and all the fellow fans:

https://at.tumblr.com/thou-babbling-brook/sherlock-fandom-survey/hxi9dezxvekp

I hope you can see this correctly. It's a survey about fandoms, it will be useful in a study about the vocabulary that we use and our knowledge about this spaces. This time is BBC Sherlock. I think it's a great thing that we can all do, and another place where we can share our love for this fandom and what we built together.

In virtue of this, I would like some guidance. In one part of the survey there is a section about phrases or words that we use that are specific of our fandom, and I CAN'T remember any (except maybe TJLC and Johnlock). Do we use a specific language with each other that it's unique of us? Some other code words? I can't remember.

Anyway, thank you if you read this and I hope you have a great week! ❤️

Hey Lovely *HUGS*!

First off, thank you for your kind words! I am glad you enjoy your time here and I hope I continue to make it worthwhile!

As for the link, yes! I did see that survey; I reblogged it a couple nights ago, and I hope everyone takes a few to do it! I plan on it as soon as I get a free moment myself!

Oooof, yeah there's a few I can immediately think of:

TJLC / johnlock, as you said

smoll (that was started by the Sherlock fandom)

john's red pants / red pants Monday

tea and jam (and there was something about John being a kitten? can't remember this one)

purple shirt of sex

I feel like "pillow princess" started with us, but I'm probably wrong

dark fuck prince Sherlock / dfp Sherlock (essentially where Sherlock has this weird dark, sometimes cold and/or abusive characterization that I personally don't jive with, but to each their own)

"setlock" is what we call the filming period

I feel like the sun and moon thing was started by us as well? Dunno.

bisexual lighting (while I don't think we coined it main-stream, it became a little more popular after our fandom spent a LOT of time examining it)

tinhatting / tinfoil-hatting (again, same with this one)

a bit of a selfish one here, because I am pretty sure I coined this one: the mary problem. Another one not really beyond my own blog and the small circle that follows me, but I did see a bigger blog a long time ago use it AND credit me for it, so whee.

DON'T remember the EXACT phrasing, but it was something like "the fake baby is guns and money", where during the S3/S4 hiatus, speculation about the "baby" was that it wasn't real, and jokes devolved to "hahah the baby is Mary's secret stash of guns and money". It was silly and I loved it.

"something's fucky" came about after S4, and I don't know if it spawned from our fandom, but I'd NEVER seen it used before S4 shitposters used it.

Another I don't remember the exact phrasing, but "a camp gay and an angry bisexual dynamic"

phone = heart metaphor, the tea code, and food = sex metaphors

"the gay pilot"

I know I'm missing a PLETHORA of them... I've a terrible headache so my capacity for remembering things is very low right now, and I've been in this fandom for SO long, I've seen things come and go too often. If anyone wants to add to this list, please do!

#steph replies #sherlock fandom #fandom love #fandom history #fandom things #i love this fandom so much #i wish i could remember more #my head hurts too much

[aohendo]

Unusual Character Associations!

Thanks for the tag, @kyofsonder! I’m pretty sure someone else has tagged me in this as well, although I’m not sure who and I’m not sure when, but once I find it I’ll respond to yours as well!

Tagging: @whimsyqueen, @houndsofcorduff, @eccaiia, and an open tag :)

For Kiris (Prince for Hire)

Seasoning: salt

Weather: early mornings with fog, cool but just warm enough to be pleasant with a cup of coffee/tea

Color: dark blue

Sky: broken layer of cumuliform clouds at 3000’ or so.

Magical Power: … prophecy…

House Plant: a goofy little succulent of indeterminate providence

Weapon: staff

Subject: geography!

Social Media: tumblr (and twitter). You know those prophetic-type tumblr shitposts? That’s him.

Makeup Product: mascara

Candy: those little rainbow button candies “printed” on  paper

Fear: rejection

Ice Cube Shape: hollow cylinders!

Method of Long-Distance Travel: train

Art Style: art deco

Mythological Creature: hippocampus (the seahorse (lit.), not the brain)

Three Emojis: 🙃😬😎

Celestial Body: pluto

#princeforhire #not? writing #tag game

[zukoisthebluespirit]

Zuko: Uncle, I made you some tea!

Iroh: Oh, thank you Zuko! *Sips tea.*

Iroh:

Iroh: Could you mind telling how you made this tea?

Zuko: I took one of them bags, put it in a mug, got some boiling water and put the water in.

Iroh: And?

Zuko: May or may not have walked away to let the tea steep for five minutes and forgot about it for like an hour. I microwaved it back up, so it should be fine!

Iroh: 

#atla #avatar the last airbender #prince zuko #zuko #uncle iroh #iroh #tea #shitpost #i do this every time........ #I swear that I won’t forget my tea #but then an hour or two later I’ll come back and go oh

[almightyhamslice]

idk if Kruds have cameras but they should. Anyways here’s Kretinus as a larva, and his mom Kurkulie. She’s a filbert weevil.

#shitpost #shitpost art #digital art #art #sketch #digital sketch #comic #Prince Maximillian #Prince Max #Prince Acylius #Kretinus #Fugg #Kurkulie #inseKtors #inseKtors OC #interp #idk which one she is since she's mentioned in the show but not by name or anything just like. as a concept #Kretinus definitely has a mom & he has tea with her & tells her secrets according to the UK dub so that's enough confirmation for me #Krud #Yuk

[realpokefairy]

Y'all aren't talking enough about the number of tea breaks in The Wicked King

"I just murdered someone, care for some tea?"

"I almost got murdered, I need tea"

"orlagh is planning a coup, bring in a teapot"

Fun bonus:

"I heard Cardan and Jude totally made out but Nicasia has a crush on Cardan tho she dumped him for Locke who dumped her for Taryn/Jude"

Not so fun bonus:

"coffee as dark as my bitch's the high king's eyes"

#what is this post? #but the tea instances were so distracting #tfota #tcp #more tcp shitposting #the cruel prince #twk #twk spoilers #the wicked king #jurdan #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #locke #tail #taryn #locke x taryn #tea

[withloveheart]

do you have any favorite bloggers?

Lots and lots

@luxurybrownbarbie

Gives amazing advice when it comes to social climbing, hypergamy, and the general realities of that lifestyle. She's incredibly smart and ambitious and it was a no-brainer to follow her. Also, she fits the whole “barbie” aesthetic of a hot girl with a great man and several projects lined up and I love that for her.

@tomb-of-ligeia

Followed for the shitposting, sarcasm, hot takes, and amazing city guides but stayed for Rowena. Also was in some sort of feud (from my memory at least) with foodgod and that means 5 gold stars in my book.

@traditionally-linsi

Always had some of the best advice but people don't know how to appreciate good things so we only get her once in a blue moon on this app. Every time she updates about her baby, I get some serious baby fever and have to remind myself to calm down.

@callmeyourala

Another smart and ambitious woman who gives stellar advice. I adore her content and it's been an amazing journey to see her growth. I am currently learning languages and knowing how many languages she knows helps motivate me whenever I see her on my dash.

@sylph-glow

Found her through luxurybrownbarbie and instantly followed her because she made a post about her tea collection and I’m a slut for tea. Isn’t as active anymore but 10/10 would recommend.

@daphne-etday

smart, smart, smart, oh and did I say smart? She has a degree that is for smart people too. She is truly a delight to talk to and I love seeing her on my dash. She's been planning on posting more lately and I can't wait to see what she has in store for her followers.

@2pretty

Very sweet and was one of the first bloggers that I had followed on this account. She at one point deleted a lot of her old posts and redid her image and I’ve enjoyed both the old and the new. 

@theambitiouswoman

Another smart women who is ambitous (I clearly have a type). I've talked to her and she is the sweetest and deserves all the success coming her way. Very innovative, hard worker, and makes no excuses for herself. She's been hurt by people in the past and yet still is willing to help people out. Her strength of character is amazing.

@babyphat05

I was a moderator in her book club but stopped being active once my grandmother passed away. She is incredibly nice and has some great book recommendations. A women who clearly uses knowledge to the best of her ability. One of the original bloggers with y2k material girl aesthetic.

@thecairomuse

Found her through her perfume posts and decided that I couldn’t have enough of her blog. I love seeing her on my dash.

@elletheroyal

Relatively new from what I know but has great advice and insight. Has a prince who is obsessed with her and for that I applaud her. Seems very nice and sweet. Can’t wait for her future posts and contribution to the community.

@empressofdiamonds

We use to be on a discord together and then she left. I was happy to find her here on tumblr. Gives great advice and her posts are very good quality. I can’t wait for her to reach her goals.

#hearts answers #musings of heart #too many people on this app to even list on here tbh #we also lost so many people too

[greenteaanon]

milf reader????

Acolytes: GRRRRRRR BARK BARK BARK GRRRRR JFUBFJFUFNEJFKFBFIFKDLAOMSLAPSÑJGLZUBNRISÑBDNLAOFJDMSL

I'm finally getting to this ask, CLEARING MY INBOX LETS GOOO this is the most foul thing I've wrote, I swear my hatred for Dottore Grows with each thing i find out.

Warning: Fem Reader, single mom struggles but make it worse, A fuck ton of Dottore slander

You were woken up by the usual "Mommy! Mommy! Wake up" You sat up in your cold velvet and satin bed, "Fit for a God," said your acolytes. Today was the day you have a banquet with all the Important Lore involved characters.

You dressed your small child up in whatever they picked out, as you got ready yourself, in a white toga, and a colorful flower crown filled with Flaura all over teyvat. Until it hit you when multiple men came up to you, somewhat uninvolved in the lore, but still there, simple NPCs gathered and tried to claim your favor. Of course, for the sake of your sanity you had to turn everyone down, that included the Fatui Harbinger known as Dottore.

You were talking with Amber and Collei when He walked over

"You look stunning your grace" He smiled offering you his hand. "Sorry no..." your little one running over with a small plate of sweets saw how uncomfy you three were with the current situation. "Hey! Fuck You BITCH!" They yelled "HONEY, I DID NOT TEACH YOU THAT!" They just stuck their togue out.

And thats when everyone realized, that gaining your favor, means getting the little one's favor as well

#tea's rotting drafts #greenteaanon #tea and moots #tea with Dottore slander #sagau #prince tea shitposts #genshin fanfic #genshin impact #genshin sagau #genshin impact sagau

[robocatfan]

Ok thanks to that shitpost @rns-skyblog made I have just been filled with Ingo/ Skykids interaction headcannons, so bear with me rambling about it:

At first when Ingo strangely arrives in their world the skykids think he is just a spirit (more likely a seasonal or traveling one) and those who don’t know any better try to offer him candles or light him up.

However the more they look at him the more they realize that something is quite off; He isn’t transparent , his skin feels a lot warmer, his speech matter is funny,his clothes don’t look like the ones the others wear and he has normal colors instead of the grayish and blue glow the spirits have.

Some veterans and older skykids (mostly the ones that saw the little prince in his season and knew what all of those things meant) would be the first ones to realize that he was actually a living , breathing human. Cue to them stopping some moths from accidentally setting him on fire.

Still, everyone would be quite excited since it is the first human they’ve seen (apart from the prince) that is, well, not dead,and not from the kingdom so they would flock around him and look at him with wonder and curiosity.

Ingo is understandably confused as to why there are a lot of strange kids with masks and capes surrounding him, making weird noises and giving him red and white candles, but eventually he ends up warming up to them.

But… he also doesn’t have his memories and is doesn’t know what to do in this strange world, where no one apart from the sky kids and other creatures populate it. It’s clear he isn’t from here, but can’t also remember anything about his life, his former occupation, and specially, his brother and his pokemon. He is very, very lost.

And then one realizes something; the skykids main purpose in their lives is not just rid the kingdom of darkness and stuff, it’s also helping the former inhabitants of the kingdom to go to orbit and pass on. And how do they do that? By not just helping them, but also reliving their memories.

Of course, they can’t use the same method they use to relive the spirit memories on him, for obvious reasons. And also there isn’t exactly anything in the realms that may remind him of something he remembered, for other obvious reasons (well except maybe the Office but not everyone can enter so-).

But the moment they sense how lost he is and learn that he lost most of his memories, the first thing they all collectively decide on is to try and help him recover from his amnesia.. or at least make him happier that he seems to be.

I can see them pretty much making him tag alongside them across some of the more safer realms (like the Daylight Praire) and poiting things out to him. Like the sky, the butterflies, the buildings, something that may remind him of something or spark his curiosity.

And if they aren’t doing that they are trying to do things to make him happy or light up his mood like giving him some tea try to get him to play with them or simply giving him hugs. Just, anything that can make him feel less lost and lonely than he is.

Knowing this world, I highly doubt they could progress much in terms of actually making him remember things, but still they would want the best for him.

Of course , things don’t exactly go that smoothly from time to time since Ingo doesn’t know at all that this kids are more resilient and magical than he thinks so he ends up freaking out when they start flying all over the place and getting to places a normal child should never go to. It gets to the point where he becomes protective and fearful of them getting hurt and scolding them for actions that he just know would be dangerous to normal children. But eventually when he realizes that this kids are not exactly normal he is.. weirded out, but soffens on that behavior.

Of course , that doesn’t mean he doesn’t affect the skykids on some ways, and since we know they are prone to copying the mannerisms and clothes of spirits, it doesn’t take long before they start to copy his poses, his speech patterns (at least he thinks so, since he can’t understand all of them) and even some started to try to make a hat and a jacket (or more accurately a cape with the shape and pattern of the jacket ) based on the ones he wears.

And while he isn’t the most expressive person, even he can’t help but smile at the way the kids try to help him and appreciates their efforts. But that doesn’t mean he ends up being less protective of them.

At the end he basically ends up unintentionally adopting this bunch of moths who end up liking him a lot (Obviously though they and the other skykids practically adopted him first but they ain’t going to say that in front of him)

#pokemon #skykid #sky children of the light #submas and the skykids au #that sky game #ingo #pokemon arceus #pokemon legends arceus #warden ingo #subway master ingo #pokemon ingo #submas #subway boss ingo #ma stuff #basically #skykid: are you sad? Unacceptable. Have a hug #crossover

[jaredstrout]

Ninzula - The Irohnator

Shitpost warning!

Zuko stared at the map in front of him and smiled. Finally, the perfect opportunity to catch the Avatar and finish the mission his father and grandfather had failed at. Zuko reached for the brush to write a letter to the nearby garrison. As prince of the Fire Nation and heir to the throne he had all the authority he needed and even if his father had not taken Zuko seriously back in the day when he had asked to be send out...things had changed since Zuko had finally found the sneaky Avatar.

Since then his father had send the young prince reinforcements and now he´d take the opportunity. Once he finished the letter he hurried to grab his royal seal to get the message running, time was of the essence and he´d need to catch them now or never and now weird accident or shadowy guardian angel would save the Avatar now.

Then a shadowy figure grabbed Zuko from behind, just as he rose from his desk at his room on board of his flagship. A hand clamped hard on his mouth, muffled the prince´s cry as he was attacked, pulled backwards and thrown on his bed. A figure clad in all black straddled him a moment later and the only part not covered by the mysterious figure were the surprisingly familiar golden eyes. Zuko bucked up, tried to fight but was easily held down by the ninja...who bent over and placed a soft kiss on Zuko´s forehead. 

“Sleep tight, little brother.” a woman´s voice whispered...then she pinched Zuko´s neck and the world went dark.

Buried memories danced in his unnatural slumber. Memories from his early childhood. The face of his mother...and a girl...he knew her. A girl a few years older than him...a girl with the golden eyes of his father...so long ago...the night his mother left...after she murdered grandfather...and nobody mentioned her again...and someone else? Zuko´s eyes opened. He lay in his bed, covered by the blanket as if his mother had tucked him in for the night. With a groan the prince rose, shook his head. Things started to fall back into place as he stumbled out of the room. It was deep in the night and he knew he had missed the Avatar by now...again. But for the moment he just stormed to his uncle´s room and found the old man standing in the middle of the room...for no visible reason, but Zuko didn´t care.

“Uncle...do I have a sister?”

The Irohnator scanned the intruder in his chambers.

The subject was Zuko, prince, age 15 and in the process of being updated. Then the young human asked a question, that made The Irohnator check his missions. The primary objective:Update the Firenation. Secondary  mission:

TEA!

But the question was a threat to his primary mission.His programm came up with 4 possible answers.

1 - Yes

2 - No

3 - Go fuck yourself!

4 - useless proverb

Iroh smiled at his nephew. “My dear boy...siblings are like clouds on a moonless night.” He kept smiling, while Zuko frowned. “That...doesn´t answer my question.” Zuko said, probably for the first time ever, when uncle came up with something like that.

The Irohnator froze. Answer failed, alternative.exe not found...failure...reboot...switch to secondary mission.

“I´ll get us some tea!” Iroh said, still smiling and left Zuko standing where he was.

#Azula #but she´s a ninja #and sabotages Zuzu #also present #Zuko #Iroh #but he´s the Irohnator #da da dam da dam #also #shitpost

[defultuser]

britcourse/britgate timeline

hi as the (un)official historian of the britgate time heres a timeline of events 

thursday evening - @latinposeidon brings the word poof to people attention pointing out that the show is terrible for british slang. many british fantoms share their own dislike of the name willie and alex’s fanny pack 

when @queenmolina points out how terrible many of the names from the show sound when read in a yorkshire accent the ideas for roadman reggie and yorkshire luke are sparked 

at some point on friday we also discussed zootopia vs zootropolis and australian and new zealand names for various british slang 

the brits go to sleep leaving many frighted americans to deal with britcourse 

friday - when we wake up it to the horrified reactions of the rest of the fandom and the news that prince philip has died 

believing this to be the work of yorkshire luke and roadman reggie we brainstorm further characters for our british jatp - we decided the best course of action was the recrecord all the dialogue in the show in british accents using british slang. 

in spite that prince philip is trending and with a large amount of momentum we further brainstorm a retelling of the show with a british cast of characters as well as general discussions about all things british 

we also confused non-brits with our discussion of tea time 

saturday/sunday- with a larger cast of characters the edits and fanfics begin to take shape leading to the writing of backstories for the characters. 

sunday - please welcome aussiegate (exactly the same premise just make them australian - i can’t tell what any of it means but its funny so please continue) 

the britverse got bigger with a social media au and a britverse sunset curve playlist,  more fics are in the works. 

monday- despite starting off slow it came back with force with discussions of school trips, how the group meet, and school names. posts slowed towards the end of the day (i fear our beloved britgate may be on its last legs)

tuesday - despite a slow beginning britgate remains alive via tags and reblogs, and one of the longest headcanons to date courtesy of @faetalflaw 

wednesday - britgate was back in the form of 3 new fics from @apples-bees @thegirlfulloffandoms @lesducks , meanwhile aussiegate and the newly joined canadagate remain strong. With even more fics expected soon britgate may quiet but we haven’t seen the last of it. 

thursday - new artworks continued and the britgate discord remained chaotic as ever- the britgate team celebrated roadman reggie’s 1 week birthday

4th of July- Happy fucking birthday america, we’re taking over your show. yep #american’tgate the event of the summer is here, for 4 hours british, irish, canadian, australian, german, bulkain, and probably more i missed, fans took over the tags with fic, smau’s, edits, memes, and a whole lot of shitposting. it was glorious thank you to everyone that joined in, and to those that watched on in fear sorry not sorry. 

#cause half of these posts got lost in the chaos i had to find them in my notes to get the links so the links are all to random reblogs #britgate #let me know if i'm missing anything #or got anything wrong #a lot has happened #britcourse #britcourse killed philip #julie and the phantoms #jatp #netflixwewantjatps2 #brits verses jatp writers #british jatp fans #british jatp conflict #aussiegate #canadagate #american'tgate

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Heeyyy it’s “let’s think too deeply about something” time !

And this thought was trotting in my head all day: what kind of soreness/injuries to expect if you’re getting bizzay with your mutant lover. I’ll be going from a vagina bearer standpoint, since I’m not too familiar with the limitations of someone with a penis. With that in mind, WHAT’S UP 👏

Sore legs. Dear god, your thighs.... You’ll probably have to open your legs a bit wider in order to welcome your lover, and if you’re going for a while, it’s gonna be one hell of a workout.

You might not want to go too deep nor fast for starters. Your cervix is going to thank you if you take it into consideration 😅 Or else there will be this sore feeling in your lower abdomen (around the pelvis area).

Chaffing, especially around the inner thighs. I guess my best solution to avoid that would be:

LUBE! Water based lube. YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND!!!!!

In case you don’t have any at hand; saliva. Him or you, just drop some on your hand and slap it down there.

Seriously tho jfc I cannot stress that enough: LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBE it up. Even if you’re super aroused and lubricated, you will want to help yourself adjusting and just feel at ease.

I mean, I don’t think they have massive ding dong schlongs, but it’s certainly a bit girthier than what we’re used to.

Thinking about giving a blowjob? Heh, good luck.

Start slow and don’t be greedy, unless you wanna stop breathing (I mean, if that’s your kink, kudos soldier).

My throat is sore just thinking about it, tbh. But at the same time, yes plz.

Okay this is turning into a shitpost.

BUT yeah, if you want to go for several rounds, expect to have wobbly noodle legs in the end. Bye bye mobility. Carry me around, turtle prince.

(Also I’m not talking about anal ‘cause that’s not my cup of tea. But you do you boo and USE LUBE)

Have fun feeling sore overall, bitchesssss 💁‍♀️

With time and patience you’ll both learn to accomodate and be mindful of one another. Pleasure is sure to come along the way.

Thank you for coming to my useless TED talk.

#it's-a-moi #I try to keep this blog wholesome - but sometimes shit like that just keeps crawling in my mind #ALSO FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK Y'ALL - PEE AFTER SEX #NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE INBETWEEN YOUR LEGS

[zukoisthebluespirit]

Iroh walking into Zuko’s room: Where is the tea?

Zuko: I don’t have tea.

Iroh: Lies, I can smell the can. 

Zuko: I’m telling you I don’t have tea.

Iroh punches the wall, and when he takes his hand out he is holding a can of tea: Found it.

Zuko: What the f-

#atla #avatar the last airbender #prince zuko #zuko #prince iroh #uncle iroh #shitpost #meme #now i want tea #but i drank it all #i dont have any more money for tea

[amber-isnt-a-precious-stone]

🌷End of year review! 2021🌷

Thank you @maelerie @paperuniverse @fireandiceland @froggi-mushroom for tagging me, this is such a nice end of year reflection to do !✨🎉

1. What fandoms did you create for?

Hetalia! Because HWS was airing, but also made some Eurovision memes

2. How many works did you make this year? Fics (posted on ao3 or tumblr or wherever), edits, gifsets, moodboards, playlists, fanart, vids, meta?

Let's say a good handful of memes from the Hetalia show and another handful of cursed shitposts. Was mostly active like April-August then got a little busy with work. Wrote 4 fics and collaborated on 1!👀✨

3. What are you most proud of?

my FRUK frog prince fic because that was my baby and I loved writing it so much🥺🥺it is the longest thing I've ever published- 10k words! But then the first work I've ever published was the much ado about fruk in May :0 So I'm proud of myself for publishing my first work on ao3 this year!

4. Any stats you wanna tell us about?

I just worked out that I've written 26k words this year (my own fics not including the gerfra discord collaboration)

5. What inspired you this year? Any specific works or creators?

The fandom being more active since hws started airing! Like, some fruk art inspired my much ado about nothing fruk fic and nice tags someone left inspired me me write the first chapter of the lipton's tea fic. The gerfra and fruk discords are also 👌🏻 Biigggg shoutout to the passionate, amazing writers and super encouraging @breitzbachbea @fireandiceland @iship2muchshit @maryeve-the-bitch @maelerie💕💕 brainstorming ideas with these guys and getting feedback makes writing more fun too!

6. What’s a piece you didn’t expect to make? Why?

All of it!! I had always only lurked and reblogged hetalia content, so creating stuff actively this year is crazy. But yeah, especially that delirious Arthur hating lipton's tea fic when I published all those chapters within a month lmaoooo 😂😂 I will go back to it sometime hopefully and write more (@fireandiceland 👀👀)

7. What are you excited to work on next year?

When I get time I wanna come back and do a froggy fic pt2, @breitzbachbea gave me some great ideas and I want more Prince Arthur and Francis the frog Prince chaos! I would like to write more of that Lipton's tea fic cos that shit was fun af and I have a few draft chapters I've neglected finishing up. I had a very online work at home job for the last 6 months so I just didn't wanna be on screens after it much, so my motivation for writing has droooppedd badly. Now it's ended and hopefully have more time to daydream, I wanna write more fruk drabbles😭😭😭💕💕💕

Tag some people!

I'm late to the party, and I think everyone who wanted to join has posted one so 🎉🎉✨✨ Happy new year!! Hoping 2022 is a good one🎉🎉✨✨

#my posts #tag game #better late than never:0 it has been in my drafts for a few days #but big thank you to the active hetalia 2021 fandom 🥺🥺😭😭💕💕 #i enjoyed reflecting on this 😊 #about me #writing