#pretty corrosive for my mental health

[lettersiarrange]

hey are you a terf ? you've been reblogging stuff from radfems ...

No, I'm not a terf, I support trans people 100%. Also terfs are uncomfortably cozy with the alt-right and that's uhhh... a whole other layer of awful.

But I think I may be following a secret terf? Tumblr keeps showing me these posts that are like "liked by someone you're following!" And I follow 4k people so I'm not like. Keeping track of anyone but my mutuals. And some of the posts tumblr shows me are obviously terfy which makes me go HMMMM but then some of them seem fine? So it's hard for me to tell the difference between "posts tumblr reccomends me that are normal and in line with the regular leftist and feminist things I'm into" vs like "posts tumblr reccomends me because they're liked by whatever secret terf I'm following and have suspicious undertones that aren't immediately obvious to me". I'm certainly not intentionally following any terfs or following anyone who publicly identifies as a terf* or puts terf shit on my dash but I'm apparently following someone who doesn't blog about terf shit but LIKES terf shit (and I think it might be a fandom blog so that makes it harder to identify) and then those likes show up on my dash and it's not always obvious that it's terf shit or from a radfem blog-- it's just a random posts from a url I don't know. And sometimes the posts themselves are fine on the initial read.

So pls let me know what the radfem blogs in question are so I can identify and remember them if they pop up on my dash again

*caveat that I've been on this website for 10+ years and follow 4,000+ people and it's theoretically possible that a blog I followed multiple years ago that I never see on my dash now publicly identifies as a terf, but I'm not gonna go through all 4k of my following to try and find out if any of them have become publicly shitty in a way that doesn't affect my dash in the years since I've followed them. People get unfollowed as they bring shitty views to my attention. Hence the conundrum with the undercover terf bc they don't post terf shit, they just like it.

#*but how do you not immediately recognize terf dogwhistles!* you may ask #well. I've found when it comes to any toxic community like terfs or antivaxxers or incels or qanon or antisemitic leftists or WHATEVER #familiarizing myself with the discourse to the point that I'm An Expert In All The Secret Signals is uhhh... #pretty corrosive for my mental health #I'd much rather know Enough to recognize more obvious and popular talking points but otherwise stay a billion feet away #knowing all the Secret Signals involves an engagement with the nuance of their arguments that i am simply not mentally capable of #like it is Too Distressing #and I've found that as long as i can still recognize the more well-known signs of toxicity and steer clear... #i usually successfully avoid coming into contact with the toxicity #and like. I don't think my disabled friend's lives would be better by me becoming an expert in horrific eugenicist arguments and their lingo #nor do I think my trans friends lives would be improved by me becoming an expert on terf language and arguments #total respect for people who do for the purposes of fighting the good fight and warning everyone else #but couldn't be me. I'm sensitive and any amt of cruelty virtriol and toxicity just really Affects me #and my parents are qanon conspiracists so I'm already over the limit from being forced to hear abt whatever new #horrible conspiracy is going thru qanon every week. last week it was that i should Stockpile Food for Sept and Oct bc #Something Might Happen and i should be prepared #and don't i know masks are poisoning the american people? 🙄 #anyway props to people who know how to spot a terf from 100 ft based on how they walk #but it doesn't click for me until they open their mouths and start saying gender essentialist shit #(like. when i joined reddit in college I didn't know *gender critical* meant *terf* and was horrified to find out) #so no I don't have every radfem blog memorized so would appreciate warnings abt them #I've mostly been fairly happy in my non-hate-group tumblr bubble #asks

[556ch0cl8]

Does finn have trauma?or is he just like that?

He's from the Nest, but he has his own sets of trauma, I'll put some lore bits under the cut tho

TW for like. Mentions about familial abuse, cannibalism, and self-mutilation, also a wall of text LOL

Finn's personality was different before he got into LC. He was shy and reserved, and he placed a lot of emphasis in politeness. He lived a pretty mundane life in the Nest, but is often caught in the crossfire of his parents bickering each other to the point his mother is too defensive and workaholic, and his father pushes a lot of accusations towards her, which ultimately ruined the trust of both sides. Finn was a kid who didn't know any better, so when he grew to an adult he swore not to be like his father. Finn, unlike majority of my nuggets is not used to the gory life from the dystopian world of the City due to his upbringing. It's easy to scar him.

Finn was in a very vulnerable spot after seeing several casualties, but Noah helped him calm down and showed him the roots. He got infatuated with Noah, so he will do everything to return the favor she did. He became very emotionally dependent on her, and his urge not to be like his father and be perfect for her all the time ironically just tanked his mental health for the worse.

His infatuation grew to obsession, he loves her so much but there are times he wants to blow his brains out over this feeling. Noah looked up to Morty, and Finn took this the wrong way, to the point he antagonized him as much as he could, to have his overwhelming hatred and jealousy of him justified. He wanted to be better than Morty and be in the same level as Noah so he can help her at all costs, so he took an ALEPH EGO set despite not having the requirements to equip it. He wanted to be perfect, strong, and reliable, as he was scared shitless to be rejected by her. Oddly enough, he was allowed to do so by the Manager.

Finn's self-obligation to protect and help Noah as well as his unresolved one-sided antagonization of Morty stripped his old personality out of himself, especially he had almost no one to confide on. Not even Noah herself, due to his severe fear of being rejected by her. He only confided with my other nugget Anastasia as she's genuinely concerned of her co-workers, but she couldn't do anything about it due to the Manager's orders. This led to the Finn we know now.

The suit was unsuitable for his current state and rank, so he started experiencing EGO Corrosion mentally. He became able to sense his previously dead coworkers with his five senses, and he also started to feel that his body was dividing, such as his limbs being pulled from him, despite being confirmed by his living co-workers he looks fine. His "dead" co-workers would repeatedly tell him to "eat flesh, destroy everyone, and be one". If he doesn't comply to this, he would feel like his body is being shredded to pieces or rotting. He gets frantic when his "dead" co-workers talk to him. Out of panic, he started from inflicting wounds on himself to rid the feeling his body is dividing or when he sees some parts of his body starts rotting, according to him. But he doesn't have gangrene or his skin being torn, according to his co-workers. In exchange, Finn at his state of mind made abnormalities produce Enkephalin boxes faster, hence why the Manager really interfered.

When he gives in: He gave up and soon started to eat bodies, and his phantom pain on his body disappears whenever he does. However, this worsened his self-esteem and felt that he's gotten so dirty Noah will never love him again.

When he doesn't give in: The feeling if division just gets worse, to the point it snowballed from cutting himself to literal self-mutilation like peeling his own skin, just to deal with the (phantom) pain he goes through. It's gotten to the point he slowly dies from blood loss and severe infections for using unclean materials to mutilate himself.

When he was finally in the brink of death, his dying body was injected with cogito and sealed in the Extraction Team department.

#NUGGET LORE?! #my nuggets #oc: finn #asks #not art #ran-dom-goat

[daftvendetta]

i have some off the rails intrusive thoughts about cyberpunk edgerunners that might sound kinda unhinged but lets go for it

without saying this as a bad thing, simply an observation, cyberpunk edgerunners is a male fantasy, but like a fantasy that is an exploration of father archetypes and boys withholding pain and rage at a society that doesnt understand them

emphasising that none of this is a bad thing. the overarching theme is of men being persecuted by a brutal police state that fails to address mental health and the effects of trauma. that's a good thing to acknowledge and spotlight

men's loneliness was also an important and heartwrenching aspect of the protagonist. the continued avoidance of never addressing the trauma that plagued him built up the corrosion of his mental state leading to his (spoilers) eventual demise.

the male fantasy aspects i kinda picked up on was the character development of the protagonist from a smol boi to a swol boi, but that absolutely makes sense within the narrative since it's integral to his ambition to carry on the physical strength of the man who took him in after his mother's death (father figure)

the other aspect is getting the girl of his dreams. this makes sense as well because their development period explored mutual loneliness. from my perspective, it was a pretty mature representation of a het relationship compared to a lot of other anime het couple standards

i think the main reason im clocking the perspective of the story from a man's pov is the protagonist's strength over pain, stoicism over emotional outbursts that eventually build up into rage and destruction. this is why i enjoyed cyberpunk and couldnt shake my lingering sadness after finishing it

...also all the naked ladies. guys definitely enjoyed that. im gay and enjoyed it too lol

so there's significance in stories all about characters that show unreasonable resistance to their own vulnerability, and the inevitable consequences. only taking on the image of perceived strength isnt enough, because it's only an internalised concept of what strength is.

for example, the protagonist only became swole as it follows the aspirations of the one strong man he admired in his adolescence. but incredible physical power was his way of internalising strength over pain, and became a symptom of attributing the identity of a paternal figure

so im saying that it's a good thing when anime appeals to the male gays. male gaze. because genuine societal issues is made aware when written in such a way that dives into the legitimate psychological struggles of men through the medium of high fantasy

#anime #cyberpunk edgerunners #male gays #daftie chats #anime chats #cyberpunk #unhinged thoughts #feminist

[howtofightwrite]

Q&A: Boons and Stressors

What do you think of altruism? Can it make someone more resilient or does it make them weaker?

This feels a little overly simplistic. It’s saying this a direct consequence, but my suspicion is, it’s a little more nuanced.

So, there’s a theory that receiving help actively makes you weaker. This is one of these things where the person espousing the idea is taking a model for how they think the world should be, and applying it irrelevant of evidence.

The problem is, this only makes sense if you think that you learn nothing from receiving help, and that the world will queue up more difficult challenges as you progress. The former is absurd, because you can learn from seeing what others do, and the latter simply doesn’t reflect how the world works. Yes, the challenges we face can escalate as a result of our actions, but the world isn’t trying “keep up with you as you level.” That’s an abstract concept that has limited relation to reality.

There’s a legitimate idea that if you become dependent on others to help you, and they abandon you, you’ll have nothing to fall back on, but that’s justifying a philosophy with the most extreme scenario.

There’s also the inverse, if you’re burning resources to deal with challenges, it can actually leave you in a weakened state if you’re insisting you need to face every challenge alone. Additionally, you probably won’t have anyone to call on, because you didn’t build those connections earlier.

In case it’s not clear, I don’t have a particularly high regard for the entire self-sufficiency argument. I’m fine with saying that you should prepare for the possibility that you’ll need to face challenges alone. It’s a good contingency to have. However, I don’t buy into the, “sanctity of being self-sufficient.”

With that said, there as a satisfaction from overcoming a challenge. As an individual, you may find greater satisfaction from overcoming it on your terms.

That’s the other end of this. I don’t think receiving altruism directly increases your resilience, however, I do think it’s a very reasonable consequence, so, let’s talk psychology.

Your overall mental health does affect a host of things. “Resilience,” is a pretty nebulous term, but your overall mental health does influence nearly all of those factors. It can improve your immune response. It can affect your emotional resilience. It can’t protect you from physical harm, but it can help you cope with that. It can even help offset fatigue. (You still need to rest, but it will help you push on.) This is not an exhaustive list. So, being in a good state of mind can help with all of those things. It can even help you cope with tragedies and misfortune.

Altruism can help with this, but it’s not just receiving it, being on the giving side can also provide that. There’s also a major caveat, the altruism needs to be a positive experience.

There’s a pair of psychological concepts, “boons,” and, “stressors.” You can find other terms for these, but the basic idea is sound. A boon is a, “nice,” experience. It makes you feel better about your life in a small way. A stressor is a negative experience, and it wears on you. Individually, none of these will change your life, or even ruin your day. However, when you start stacking stressors together, it can have a corrosive effect. Similarly, when you start stacking boons together, it can make a significant difference, and help you deal with the challenges you face.

As an example of a stressor: I have a burn on my hand from the coffee press back flushing and spraying boiling water over my hand on Friday. That was not fun. It didn’t make my day better. Individually it didn’t ruin the day, but these kinds of experiences can stack up. And, yes, this a valid example; boons and stressors can be very minor things. Even a brief conversation with a friend can be a boon.

So, why do I have an issue with, “altruism makes you more resilient?” Because it’s a boon. In some situations it’s a significant one. That kind of help can make you feel a lot better about yourself, your life, you future. In turn, that can increase your overall mental health, and increase your resilience.

Please note the conditional statements. “…that kind of help can make you feel better…” “…that can increase your overall mental health…” It is not certain that it will. Remember the people who view accepting help as a weakness. For someone like that, receiving help can be a stressor. If they need it, or cannot refuse it, it’s an indictment of their self-sufficiency. Meaning, two people, in similar situations, can receive the same help, and have radically different psychological responses.

Remember when I mentioned that overcoming a challenge on your own terms can result greater satisfaction? That’s a boon. So, there are circumstances where someone will benefit from facing and overcoming their challenge alone. This is a factor in whether or not help will be beneficial. To be blunt, this isn’t simple. Someone may need help, but not want it, or state that they don’t want it for appearances, when assistance would be welcome.

As a general statement, altruism will be more beneficial than not. However, the topic is a bit more nuanced than just, “receiving altruism makes you more resilient.”

-Starke

This blog is supported through Patreon. If you enjoy our content, please consider becoming a Patron. Every contribution helps keep us online, and writing. If you already are a Patron, thank you.

Q&A: Boons and Stressors was originally published on How to Fight Write.

#fightwrite answers #philosophy #psychology #Starke answers #writing advice #writing reference #writing tips

[mountainmothermedicinalsblog]

Tulsi or Holy Basil

Tulsi or Holy Basil. (Ocimum tenuiflorum)

Tulsi is one of my favorite herbs for so many reasons. Mostly because it always finds its way to me through friendship but also because it’s an incredible ally for stress and mental health. Which, c’mon, we all need.

The first time I had Tulsi, it was sent in the mail to me by one of my now best friends before we had met. I was struggling pretty significantly with anxiety and she sent me a box of tea in hope of helping. It did. 

As familiar as I was with so many herbal applications at that time, Holy Basil was one I had not yet worked with. Still today, that blows my mind. It’s so common and yet, I had never been called to use it. It’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. I think it had to come to me through friendship. It always comes to me through friendship.

 Awhile go, another dear friend, a friend I’ve yet to meet in person but have had countless hours of conversation with, said she had an abundance of holy basil she would like to share. We arranged for her to drop it off at the clinic as my son was under the weather and I didn’t want to potentially expose her to anything. Later that day I found three large grocery bags of beautiful fragrant Tulsi that had found their way to me through, of course, friendship. 

Now, for the benefits. The amazing healing properties of Tulsi come primarily from its volatile oils and the phytonutrients it holds. Tulsi has antibiotic, germicidal, fungicidal, and disinfectant properties. It is incredibly effective in shielding our body from all kinds of bacterial, viral, and fungal infections. The disinfectant, germicidal, and fungicidal properties present in tulsi help in fighting pathogens and heal any resulting fever. All of this makes Tulsi a fantastic immune booster as well, one of the best, actually.

Tulsi is a fantastic ally to the respiratory system, often used to aid the healing of lungs after a long history of smoking. Vitamin C and other antioxidants in tulsi minimize the stress caused by oxidants in the body. Tulsi is said to soothe the nerves, lower blood pressure, reduce inflammation, and reduce stress. The potassium in Tulsi is also seen to reduce blood pressure-related stress by replacing sodium and loosening the constricted blood vessels.

Tulsi is outstanding for dental health, destroying the bacteria responsible for causing cavities along with many other oral benefits especially in regards to gum health.

Compounds in the volatile oils in combination with the mild diuretic properties of tulsi make it an ally for kidney stones, potentially helping dissolve and pass them. 

Finally, my favorite thing about tulsi is that drinking a cup of it feels like taking a deep breath. Something about it just immediately calms the nervous system and allows you to let go of the tension and anxiety you’ve been feeling and begin to process the situation more rationally. 

Tulsi is a Basil, making it a part of the mint family. This means you can ideanify it by its strong fragrance as well as its square stem. It’s an herb you’ll likely cultivate so I’m not sure I would spend any time searching for it in the wild. You’ll likely just be disappointed. 

To utilize the herb, simply remove the leaves from the stem and either dehydrate or cure to make tea. I use an excalibur dehydrator and I haven't found a dehydrator that matches its quality yet. Once dried, the leaves can easily be crushed. You can also make a fresh plant medicine folk tincture by allowing the tulsi to wilt overnight, filling a jar, and pouring 100 proof vodka over the herb until it reaches the rim. Put some parchment paper under the lid to avoid corrosion. Of course, if you don’t want to go to any of that trouble, you can buy loose tea, bagged tea, or a tincture in these amazon affiliate links. 

Tulsi is an herb that I use every single day and I notice a hugely positive impact to my life because of it. 

#mountainmothermedicinals #mmm #tulsi #holybasil #mint #herbalist #herbal #herbalism #herbalblog #herbalistblog #plantmedicine

[scripttorture]

My main character is kidnapped and placed on a table in a white room. She is completely immobilized, including her head. Water keeps dripping on her head from above. The point is to force her to unlock psychic abilities in order to stop the water. Her only contact is a voice from the next cell. How long could she stay in this situation before her mental health is completely shattered?

Anon, she would die of sleep deprivation or a heart attack if infected pressure sores didn’t kill her first.

 You can’t keep a person completely immobilised without it having a drastic effect on their health.

 Before I go any further I understand why you’re underestimating the damage and risk something like this causes. These are exactly the kinds of tortures that are often portrayed as harmless.

 It’s hard to find accurate information about torture. Most otherwise accurate factual sources are wildly inaccurate when it comes to torture. Most of the best quality information isn’t well known, costs, is out of print or not translated.

 It also isn’t really compiled and a lack of cross-disciplinary communication hampers research.

 If the only portrayals of torture you’ve seen so far are the kinds of inaccurate (often unintentional) apologia that turns up in most fiction, then it’s not surprising you’re underestimating the damage being done to your character here.

 The same thing applies to this assumption that torture can ‘shatter’ people. Anything close to your scenario would cause a lot of severe mental health problems. But torture survivors do recover, they do go on to have happy lives with their symptoms.

 If the only portrayals of torture survivors you’ve seen are fiction which shows them as ‘broken’ and unable to carry on with their lives, then I can see how you got here.

 That’s not your fault.

 Now I think the most helpful thing I can do here is give you my opinion of the scenario and several potential fixes. I can’t tell you which is ‘best’ for your story that depends on what you think is the most important element here.

 So first let’s break down what the major sources of damage are.

 The water is causing sleep deprivation. You can read more about the effects here.

 The lack of mobility would cause pressure sores throughout the character’s body, where she’s in contact with the table. Her back and ankles are likely places for sores to develop but they can also form on the back of the head.

 I’m not sure whether she’d get the kind of swelling typically seen in stress positions. This is caused by the fluid from damaged muscle cells pooling in extremities.

 What she would get are skin irritation, leading up to minor chemical burns, caused by lying in her own urine. These injuries would be extremely likely to become infected because she’d also be lying in her own faeces.

 Sleep deprivation, especially total sleep deprivation which is what is happening here, increases the risk of infection while reducing the body’s ability to heal wounds.

 This is really a lethal combination and it would kill quite quickly. I don’t have an exact figure for this but if I was writing it myself and wanted the character to survive without physical disability, I wouldn’t go over 48 hours. And I’d make sure she had medical attention afterwards.

 I’d expect physical weakness, muscle damage, skin damage and the beginning of infections in several sites.

 Honestly? I think if you want to focus on long term psychological effects and also show a large, frightening change in mental state quickly- the sleep deprivation is the element you should keep.

 After a few days of total sleep deprivation your character would be a wreck. She’d be paranoid, completely disorientated and could be hallucinating. But crucially, these are not permanent. She’d recover her ability to reason once she’s allowed to sleep.

 The effects of sleep deprivation are frightening. And before a victim is allowed to sleep properly it can look as if they’ve gone from mentally healthy to- well suffering from the kinds of mental health conditions that are most stigmatised in society.

 Psychosis, paranoia, a tendency to violence, delirium and hallucinations. In a story where the main culture doesn’t handle mental health well that can look like someone’s mind has ‘shattered’ and that can have an impact on how the survivor is treated.

 But these are not typical long term symptoms for torture. With very few exceptions the symptoms for torture are the same regardless of the torture. You can find them here.

 If you want to use sleep deprivation there are a couple of ways you could do that which are more realistic and less likely to kill the character.

 A typical way would be keeping a bright, constant light in the character’s cell, with no bedding and having a loud noise whenever it looks as though the victim might be sleeping. Another way is by having a guard come by the cell every two minutes or so and banging on the door.

 In some accounts torturers provided bedding but it was wet. And that does prevent sleep but it also comes with the risk of hypothermia, so I wouldn’t recommend it in this story.

 All of these are done in a cell where the victim is unrestrained. They’re just locked in the cell. I’d give an estimated time frame of around 2-5 days.

 I said I wanted to give you more options, there isn’t much mileage in my opinion for keeping the character completely unable to move. But it’s your story not mine and you might think it’s an important element.

 If you do then I think you need to get rid of the sleep deprivation element because it’s already pretty dangerous.

 If your character is immobilised using restraints then don’t describe the character with a restraint around her neck. The chances of choking, vomiting and drowning in the vomit or suffocating are all reasonably high. A strap across the forehead is a less lethal scenario.

 Injuries from the restraints would be incredibly likely. They can range from bruising or abrasions caused by struggling to more serious circulation problems which can lead to strokes, heart attacks, amputations and death. I’d strongly suggest having the restraints loose enough that the character can wiggle and struggle, otherwise circulation problems are likely.

 People can also just randomly have lethal heart attacks when kept in restraints like this over several days. Policies related to the restraint of mentally ill people in particular have come under scrutiny across the world for the amount of avoidable deaths these practices cause.

 Pressure sores are possible but I’m unsure about the time frame they take place over. That’s because they’re typically seen in patients with mobility issues who are moved but not frequently enough or who spend a lot of time in the same position. In that context they take weeks or months to form, but these people are being moved and we know that movement helps reduce the chance of sores forming.

 Chemical burns from urine are almost certain to occur around the thighs, buttocks and groin region.

 To be clear these are not like high-strength acid burns. It’s the difference between having short contact with a highly corrosive substance and sitting for hours in a weaker, but still damaging, substance. So you’d see redness and swelling in less affected areas, skin peeling and weeping in more effected areas. Think of the painful skin under a large blister. In the worst effected areas you could expect sores, depending on how long the character is kept like that.

 I’d suggest keeping the time frame down to 48 hours or less as a result of all these potentially lethal problems.

 The character wouldn’t be confused, delirious, psychotic or hallucinating after this. But she would develop several serious mental health problems as a result of this torture.

 There’s a lot of individual variation in what symptoms people experience and we can’t currently predict symptoms. So take a look at the list and pick 3-5 symptoms that you feel fit the character and story best.

 If the effects of completely immobilising the character sound too dangerous, or otherwise not what you’re going for, I’d suggest taking a look through the tags on stress positions. Stress positions are much more common then this sort of total restraint. They also have more well known and well defined effects which makes them easier to research and write.

 I’m going to leave it there because I think you’ve got a lot to think about and decide. If you’ve got further questions though don’t hesitate to ask. :)

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#writing advice #tw torture #clean torture #torture apologia #torture survivors are not broken #writing victims #torture does not work #restraint torture #sleep deprivation #effects of torture

[letterboxd]

Rocketman.

“I’m a straight actor playing a gay icon. We had an obligation to honor that side of his story.”

Taron Egerton, star of the new musical biopic Rocketman, tells Letterboxd about having a takeaway curry with Sir Elton John and portraying the absolute pop icon on the big screen.

They say in showbiz, timing is everything. And Rocketman is very well-timed.

Bohemian Rhapsody proved emphatically that there is a huge cinematic appetite for rock-and-pop star biopics, which have long been the domain of the small screen. That film earned more than $900 million at the global box office and garnered an Academy Award for lead actor Rami Malek.

Working in Rocketman’s favor is the fact that Bo Rhap (as Rocketman star Taron Egerton refers to it) was a widely embraced, award-winning film that everybody agreed could’ve been a little better. And quite a lot gayer.

Rocketman steps up on both fronts, and it’s also directed by Dexter Fletcher, the man credited with salvaging Bohemian Rhapsody after he stepped in to finish the film when original director Bryan Singer was fired during production (Singer retained sole director credit per DGA rules).

Also working for Rocketman: the songs of Elton John and lyricist Bernie Taupin (played in the film by Jamie Bell), which are incorporated into the narrative with welcome creative flair. Egerton—as the film’s marketing campaign has made very clear—does all his own singing in the film, and he’s pretty darn decent.

Letterboxd recently sat down with Egerton at an exclusive press event in West Hollywood where he talked about his experience making Rocketman, and what it was like getting to know the man who inspired it.

Egerton began by talking about the film’s fantastical approach and how it uses John’s rehab journey as a framing device: Taron Egerton: The mandate for the production was always that it wouldn't be an out-and-out biopic, that it would lean into these elements of fantasy. The movie begins with Elton entering rehab and those scenes are what I’m most excited for people to see, because to see someone who’s so universally known in such an intimate, vulnerable situation, I think is quite unusual. And it says something about Elton and how candid and resilient he is. Elton recounts his life through rehab, we learn his story from being a young child and going to the Royal Academy of Music. And it essentially goes right the way up to the point where he goes to rehab.

On how he felt going into the role: It was terrifying. Because it’s a musical and because it’s a fantasy, it was always a prerequisite that the actors sing. So there’s a tricky thing, particularly following in the wake of something like Bo Rhap, it’s so unmistakably Freddie, the sound of it. So for me it was about singing the songs as well as I possibly could. But we were lucky in the sense that Elton and [husband] David [Furnish] are very close to the project. It started with them, and Elton has been fantastic in letting me be a part of his life for the past couple of years. And befriending me, frankly. Which has made the whole thing feel very personal and very real.

On how he went about embodying Elton John: Weirdly, I found the stuff where I played him older, easier, and I think that’s because all the time I’ve spent with Elton has been older Elton. I haven’t spent any time with 21-year-old Elton. There is footage, but it’s interesting, because people portray such a version of themselves on camera. I don’t know. For me, it all kind of came from the first time I sat down with him and we had curry together. I went over and I had a takeaway curry at his house. And we just talked for about two and a half hours. It’s such a hard thing to describe. When you are given the honor of playing one of the most adored and famous people in the world, there’s such a weight of responsibility that comes with it. And then when you meet them and connect with them generally, I don’t know, it just feels like one of the most important things I’ve ever done. I can’t really describe the feeling of having gone through the whole thing.

There’s an element of getting to look as much like him as you can, which is very helpful. There’s four rough stages of Elton. The first one being his kind of teenage bowl-cut, chunky Buddy Holly glasses. Then into the longer hair, early 20s stuff where we’re in LA. And then the hair starts to go. For the third look I shaved my hair line up higher than it already is by a couple of inches. And for the fourth and final look, I have a bald cap. There’s something about changing yourself completely and the way you look that really conditions how you feel.

One thing about Elton is that at some point in his mid-late 20s, things started to get a little bit out of control and unraveled a little bit for him I think, and there’s something to do with putting a slight gap in my teeth and changing my hair, it just didn’t make me feel very much like me. And so I created this hybrid of me and him.

That’s another thing as well, through getting to know him, I feel like there are some parallels between me and him. I mean, I’m not a genius, but in the sense that some of the neuroses and insecurities, I just recognize some things. So there’s a lot of me in there and my emotional volatility and I’m someone who has very extreme and acute reactions to things. I’m potentially a little emotionally volatile at times. And that is, I think, certainly who Elton was. So it’s just about dialing up those things in yourself, and dialing other things down.

On the film celebrating Elton John’s sexuality: I’m a straight actor playing a gay icon, so I again felt very, very keenly that if I was going to do this and do this properly that we had an obligation to honor that side of his story. So early on the film there is a love scene, it’s between myself and Richard [Madden, who plays John’s manager and lover John Reid]. It’s the first love scene I’ve ever done and it’s two young guys falling in love in a time where it possibly wasn’t that socially acceptable and I think it is a scene I’m really, really proud of.

There is a community that feels a certain sense of ownership over icons that are a member of that community, so we have that responsibility to honor that part of their story. And it’s been fantastic, especially working with Paramount on this, who have always felt very strongly that this was a part of the story that we needed to push and honor and see reflected in our film. And I’m really pleased with it, I think it’s lovely actually.

On the film not shying away from Elton John’s substance abuse: This is not a movie that glamorizes drug use. Elton’s relationship with certain substances was extremely corrosive and bad for his health and nearly cost him everything. And that was an important part of the story for me. The balance is also in making it something that is joyous, celebratory and fun to watch. And that has been the knife edge that we’ve had to walk along. And I hope people will feel we’ve done a good job of that.

On leaning into the truth of Elton John’s volatile personality: A documentary was made by David about Elton 25 years ago called Tantrums and Tiaras. It is no secret that Elton has his ups and downs. We were true to that—it’s who he is. And frankly I think it’s why we love him. So I felt very much when we were on set that I wanted to push it. Because the one person I knew wouldn’t mind me doing that, was Elton. Because he’s not precious. He knows where his strengths and weaknesses lie, and he’s very at peace with who he is.

He’s been through a hell of a lot and he’s been through recovery and he is settled and solid and knows who he is and he’s quite candid about it. So for me I always wanted there to be that duality between this sweet, incredibly caring, generous person, who just has this intense artistic sensibility and volatility, and I believe that is hand in hand with his creative genius.

On how younger audiences less familiar with Elton John might respond to the film: Elton’s music is still so played on the radio but I hope that there’s a world in which we bring music to some young ears that haven’t heard it before. Well, young-ish ears; it’s not the most child-friendly film. But young ears nonetheless. I think there’s a universality to Elton’s music. I don’t think the success of Elton’s music is entirely conditional on the context in terms of time. It was brilliant music in 1971, and it’s brilliant music now. Everyone loves Elton John, but for relatively young people like me to go back and then listen to all the stuff that made his name in the early 70s, things like Amoreena, Take Me To the Pilot, Hercules, Border Song… and you just go, fucking hell, it’s just, it’s mind-blowing, the output. In an ideal world—you can’t plan for it—I would hope that people rediscover Elton through the film.

On what playing the role has meant to Egerton: As with most people, I can pinpoint times in my life as early as five where I was aware of Elton John. I remember that video of him doing The Circle of Life when I fell in love with The Lion King when I was five or six. I remember being twelve and the Greatest Hits coming out, and me and my stepdad, who my mum had just met, who became a huge part of my life, him and I sitting listening to that Greatest Hits album, singing I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues together as he drove me to school.

Then when I was 17 and I auditioned for drama school and sang Your Song. I didn’t get in. Then I sang it again the following year and I did [get in]! I knew it was a winner. And so he’s always been there, Elton John as this kind of, idea. And then in 2016, when I’m still barely able to process the fact that I’ve been in a hit movie, for someone to say “Do you want to play Elton John?” And to go “Well how does Elton feel about it?” and hear “He really loves the idea”. It’s just fucking mental innit?

It’s just insane. Creating the film, without wishing to get too earnest, has felt like a hugely important thing for me. And a hugely important thing for posterity in some sense, because hopefully in the future it will be so many people’s introduction to Elton John. I feel like I’ve poured more of myself into it than I have anything else and so for me I feel very satisfied by the whole experience.

It’s been hard work. And essentially has been my life for the past year, 18 months, with creating all the songs and recording them and re-recording them and changing things and going back after we filmed. But I wouldn’t have changed a second of it. And I would do it all again. There’s not many things I would say that about.

And then, just getting to know him and to genuinely feel a connection with the great man. I sang with him recently, I still can’t believe that that happened. I genuinely get a bit emotional thinking about it.

Sir Elton John has appeared in more than 60 films as various versions of himself, and composed for several soundtracks, including a handful of beloved songs for Disney’s ‘The Lion King’ (Jon Favreau’s new photorealistic version comes out this July). Welsh actor-singer Taron Egerton is, until now, best-known for his leading role in the ‘Kingsman’ film franchise. ‘Rocketman’ is in theaters now. Comments have been edited for clarity and length.

#rocketman #elton john #sir elton john #david furnish #bernie taupin #jamie bell #biopic #letterboxd

[mantra4ia]

Star Wars VIII / IX: The Last Jedi thoughts (on the eve of seeing Rise of Skywalker)

12/25/2019

I find it really interesting how many people still dislike TLJ to this day because of how the story incorporated Luke’s arc in a way that we hadn’t seen the Jedi master before: disillusioned about the Jedi, discouraged/in despair, and in a state of self-inflicted exile.

The Last Jedi is not a flawless film. They’re are elements of it I don’t like either (mostly to do with the transitions around Canto Bite). If you’re a fan, of course you get to dislike a movie for whatever reason (preferably reasons that you can summarize and discuss rationally, thus expanding the depth of the fan community), however I am going to go out on a limb and say that Luke’s sullen transformation and his clawing journey back to the force is my favorite part of the film. 

Here’s what I often hear people say with regard to why they disliked Luke’s story:

It’s the first time we’ve seen Luke in years and he’s sullen and in exile! Yes, and it’s glorious for me. I understand that Luke is a larger than life icon of hope and perseverance, so seeing him in a dark emotional place is jarring. I also acknowledge that the last time we saw Luke on screen in Return of the Jedi it was in a place of peace and happiness that felt well deserved, so seeing that stripped from him perhaps it even feels like a betrayal of his character, and you could make a strong case depending on your backup. But think of all that’s happened since, in the words of Mark Hamill: “Luke says, ‘I only know one truth. It’s time for the Jedi to end…’ I mean, that’s a pretty amazing statement for someone who was the symbol of hope and optimism in the original films. When I first read it, my jaw dropped. What would make someone that alienated from his original convictions?" Defeating the Empire, only to see the vaccuum filled, in time and with a slow, corrosive poison of the First Order. Same toxicity, new face. To see the sister he loves and the friend he loves have a Force sensitive child (a nephew, who I imagine he loves and desires to teach and protect), to watch the strain that the resistance puts on Han and Leia’s relationship, then to lose that nephew to the dark side of the force and feel responsible, feel like you’ve betrayed your sister, and then to see the academy you started burn, innocent lives destroyed, because of the deep intrinsic bond you had toward your Ben. Did the familial nepotism cause you to waiver, like your father before you? Worse still, did it blind your senses to the slow degradation of Ben this whole time, when all along you could have done something. I find that psychologically fascinating, and even more inspiring (I really appreciate characters who are imperfect and deal with mental/health obstacles) than the young bright eyed optimist Luke used to be. To go through those trials, renounce the Force, and find your way back to it is far more real, poignant, connecting than never losing your way at all. And lastly, it’s also poetic and just seems somehow right given than Luke’s teacher Yoda has a similar story with his self-exile on Dagobaah.

How could he throw away his lightsaber?!  Very easily, and it doesn’t bother me. I don’t see it as a slight to the saga we’ve seen so far because a) It’s something Luke needed to go through in order to make where he landed at the end of the film even more meaningful, when he respects failure as part of the way of a Jedi instead of something separate that means the Jedi ought to end and b) I think it’s an incredibly Yoda thing to do. I’m glad that Luke has grown into someone a bit flippant and irreverant (and if you think Yoda isn’t that way, you and I remember the original trilogy in the same light). 

Okay, but a character as central to the saga as Luke Skywalker should not have that amount of character development offscreen. To this I play both sides. a) for my individual fan experience, I don’t need all that character evolution presented on screen. If I can infer and imagine the toll of that downward spiral based off the flashes I am given on screen of losing Ben, a family void, the destruction of the Jedi Academy - and I can - then my suspended disbelief in character motivation remains intact. b) However, certain fans need more than - in which not only do I agree that they could have shown Luke’s descent on screen, but it could have been in the marketing campaign leading up to TLJ. It didn’t need to be a part of main saga film, but perhaps they could have made a trio - or thereabouts - of mini shorts / featurettes / trailers about pivotal moments that lead to Luke’s exile, maybe coupled with voiceover from the film. EX) his first lesson with Ben, or the first time he sensed Ben being drawn to dark, or Luke having to tell Han and Leia that Ben is gone and seeing their reaction, or seeing the moment when Han and Leia (still very much in love) decided to follow different paths and where that left Luke. It would not have deflated the excitement for Luke’s reunion with Rey because we saw him at the end of TFA. It would only give us room to stretch our imagination and ultimately be prepared for the possibility of the Luke from TLJ,

How could Disney sacrifice Luke at the end (aka Luke’s choice to distract Ben/ save the resistance)? It’s unnecessary that this new trilogy seems to be killing off all the old characters when they are supposed to be honored if you are using this as a continuation of the prior six episodes. Death by noble sacrifice isn’t an honor, it’s a cheap way for such a profound character to go out. I’ll say this. I am tired of the noble sacrifice as a trope interchangeable for honor. It can be, but there are other ways to honor a character with a cinematic conclusion, and noble death seems like the easiest go-to that can also conceal a host of other studio pressures and alternate intentions. HOWEVER, Luke Skywalker’s death doesn’t bother me because it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the end of his character development because in Star Wars theirs lore, Force Ghost, and possibility. Death doesn’t have to be the end of his story, his influence, or even his power in the Force (he’s in it now, that’s incredible access to power), that’s my top priority for him. They could still use him in RoS. And that mass amount of possibility, if utilized, is thrilling.

As you can probably tell, I land on the side of loving The Last Jedi, when I first saw it until now, and it will impact my viewing of Episode 9. What are your thoughts on Episode 8, and if you’ve seen Rise of Skywalker - I am seeing it later today on Christmas Day- how does Episode 9 impact your views on the chapters that came before? More/less favorable, deeper meanings, or about the same?

#star wars #sw: the last jedi #sw: the rise of skywalker #sw: episode viii #sw: episode ix #the last jedi #rise of skywalker #rian johnson #jj abrams

[calleo-bricriu]

Sometimes I start to think I might read a little too much.

So, I found this particular Muggle author in one of those, "It looked weird on the shelf and why not?" sort of ways that I often find books in Muggle shops.

Did a little bit of digging in to the author, William Lee Howard; apparently he was a fairly widely disrespected doctor that most other doctors viewed as a joke but that people who were not doctors thought was somehow brilliant.

Off to a good start.

The majority of the guy's books have to do with--not so much medical things but more, "Why everything is your wife's fault, trust me, I'm a doctor,” and by occasionally shouting in text about how he’s not a quack.

There were also two aimed at teenagers and I found a few chapter names completely self aware in one of them:

"Self-Abuse--How to Stop it--The Quacks" - Written as though he wasn't one.

"Environments and Diseases Which Rust Brain-Tools" - I'm going to start using Brain-Tools, I don't care that it's ridiculous. I like it because it's ridiculous.

Anyway, onto the book I'm mostly through.

It's the only one he published that wasn't--well, probably wasn't--intended to be some kind of medical book and it's the first one he had published.

No, it’s a story. A rambling, poorly written story.

The Perverts, 1901.

It's a bit difficult to read, not because it's as shocking as claimed but, because this guy just...rambles in a horribly disjointed manner that makes it difficult to follow what the hell is going on in his little story.

But, fine, I've read worse, just needs more focus; about halfway through, I stopped because it struck me that I've read this before.

Not this book specifically, the story, the entire plot, only the version I've read, while still written by a prose-y, rambling whackjob, was coherent and had much better flow to it.

Also, you could pretty easily follow the plot, as flimsy as it was.

In fairness, that one also probably could have been accurately titled The Perverts but there's always been a lot of unnecessary filler and prose in de Sade's writing (and he was at least self aware to the point that the last page of one of them essentially invites you to throw the book into the fire if you found reading it unenjoyable; tempting, but it's a heavy book and makes a good paperweight).

This man clearly read Justine (or The Misfortunes of Virtue) at some point; some similarities between bizarre things like that are bound to happen, pun intended given the topic, but this? This was very close to being the exact same book, just with renamed characters and a different time period setting.

de Sade wrote his in two weeks while in prison (and it shows) and this idiot somehow made it worse in terms of readability.

Oh, and the dedication? "To the memory of Edgar Allan Poe as a tribute to his genius, and in recognition of his struggles with a psychic incubus."

Okay.

I'm most amused by the fact that his last book was a book on "how to live long" and he died before he was 60. Must not be very good advice in that book.

And then I started skimming his other books and this has got to be one of the most unintentionally funny things I've read in awhile, "It has been my fortune――for so I consider it――to have been brought into intimate relations with men who are failures."

Good way to start.

"Many of these despondent and useless men have been guided into places where they fit." He's stopped using his brain-tools and it's not even chapter 8, which is where he talks about not letting your brain-tools get rusty.

(( Just a warning, there’s a short excerpt from the book that has some very literally, direct, and violent homophobia in there. ))

"teachers forced much useful and also useless stuff into unwilling brain cells" - I'm not entirely sure a man who blatantly ripped off one of de Sade's shortest works should be speaking poorly of teachers.

"How frequently have I heard the remark, after explaining to a young man who came to me a complete failure: “Why didn’t my father see all this?”" - You know, at this point, I'm almost certain that the only patients he'd ever seen were ones he made up or, more likely, ripped off from other case files and just changed the names.

"THE OUTSIDE LUNGS――THE SKIN" ...no.

He seems to think the skin does the same thing as the liver? What in the hell kind of medical school did this man attend?

"If a healthy boy should have his body――up to his neck――wrapped in tin foil, or any similar substance which would completely close the pores of the skin, he would soon have headache. This would become very severe, followed by loss of consciousness and finally convulsions――fits followed by death. Now this would occur even if he were in the open air. You can see by this fact that the lungs cannot alone cast off the poisons in the body" - First, weirdly specific scenario. Second, what he's describing is heat stroke not poisoning.

If people were listening to ridiculousness like this and taking it as valid health advice, no wonder so many died before they hit 30. I just went through an entire chapter of this idiot explaining how the skin is the body's main detox organ with only passing mention to things like, you know, your liver and kidneys, and that everything is caused by your dumb ass poisoning yourself by not bathing three times a day, constantly drinking water, then "exercising violently".

"Now it may sound funny to you, but the truth is, that if the boys in the past had really known as much as the chipmunks, we should have very few asylums for the insane or hospitals for the horrible diseases." - At this point I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually reading this or if I'm hallucinating it.

"About fourteen years of age you may feel a gradual soreness in the nipples. This will increase and sometimes be a little annoying. Now don’t become frightened and try to recall some blow you have received there." - This feels like a very, very specific panic that I'm pretty sure only happened to the author.

"Of course the HABIT of self-abuse means ruin to both brain and body. It is degrading to your true self, causes a loss of self-respect and makes a coward of every boy and man." - I get the feeling, by this point, that everything this person writes is just projecting.

"[...] bubbling spring of manly life." No.

"So never sleep with a man, except your father." - How is that less weird?

And we go from, go ahead and sleep with your dad to, "If you should be so situated that you find yourself in bed with a man, keep awake with your eyes on something you can hit him with. At the slightest word or act out of the way, HIT him; hit him so hard that he will carry the scar for life."

Just sleep on the floor if you're that damn paranoid.

"Keep your goat by and in you always." ...what? There are no circumstances whatsoever that would result in me wanting any part of a goat in me.

"CHAPTER VIII ENVIRONMENTS AND DISEASES WHICH RUST BRAIN-TOOLS" - I'm definitely stealing brain-tools. Based on everything else, I'm pretty sure mine are considered rusty somehow.

I don't think I'd take advice about brain-tools from someone who spent entire paragraphs talking about how he thinks people who live in far Northern climates hibernate.

What else have we got here? Dance hall women will ruin your life, you might be a man but you'll be a MAN in big letters if you go into the navy somehow, the navy should be bigger so it can consume more lower case men--I guess that makes sense as this was written in 1911.

"Don’t think that you know more than your mother about what is best for you. You don’t." - Wow, okay.

"I saw the girl, or rather woman, when she was twenty-four years of age, and recognized her by the peculiar conformation of her face. It was the face of a girl giggler. Her facial muscles had become so developed by her uncontrolled girlish habit that nothing could be done for her. " - What on earth is the "face of a giggler"?

"Don’t kiss anyone but your mother and father." - ???

"Don’t use arsenic in any form for your complexion or to give your face a plump appearance. Some of you will tell me of a girl you know who has a nice plump face from the use of arsenic wafers." - Maybe don't eat rat poison. Eating rat poison seems like a bad idea just in general.

Apart from don't giggle, don't kiss anyone, and don't take arsenic what is wrong with you? The entire book aimed at women seems to be a lot of, "For the love of everything don't touch ANYTHING without wearing gloves and also maybe burn your gloves every night and just use new ones the next day, the world is made of filth and full of diseased people. Try to stay outside in the sun without touching anything instead."

Interesting to read in the context of not having vaccinations available for all of the diseases mentioned; I don't know why it bothers me to see tuberculosis written as consumption though but I DO know why it bothers me that this idiot keeps saying sunlight will cure all of those diseases.

It really won't, you'll just die in a brightly lit room instead of a dark one.

"Don’t try to keep awake either by mental effort or that injurious resort of drinking coffee." - Well, I've been failing at that since I was about 15.

"Sleep always alone. Sleeping with another person is unsanitary." - ...uh huh.

"The hair should be washed frequently in water with a little powdered borax, but remember you wash the hair only to clean the scalp, nothing should be applied to the hair directly."  - Borax is corrosive, and how in the hell do you clean your scalp without also getting something on your hair, you can't just remove your hair and put it back later.

"Cold baths will keep your flesh firm and hard; will take off fat if you are too fat, and put on flesh if you are too lean." - Cold baths just sound unpleasant. There was also this whole section where he talked about how women specifically sweat fat out through their hands. I don’t have much for formal medical training but I’m confident that that’s not a thing that happens.

Speaking of, I particularly like that, in the book aimed at women, he's very adamant about daily bathing and in the book aimed at men it's more, "Eh, once per week is probably fine."

"EAT PICKLES AND CANDY IF YOU CRAVE THEM." - Unnecessarily aggressive sounding there, "Doctor". All I can picture is this quack screaming that in someone's face.

I guess it's kind of good to know that I have more extensive and accurate medical knowledge than someone who somehow got through school and earned the title of Doctor.

Oh, and I'm most amused by the fact that his last book was a book on "how to live long" and he died before he was 60. Must not be very good advice in that book.

Kind of want to read that one next.

#antiques #old books #bad advice #homophobia cw #it's kind of amazing anyone survived at all #so my assumption is nobody listened to weirdos like this #sinday

[elodieunderglass]

Hi! I’m asking you because I really don’t know who to turn to. I think I might be bi. I’m not sure at all because I’ve never been in love with a girl. Here’s my dilemma : am I faking it? I feel like I am because I am someone who goes to great lengths for attention. Like I really need attention. What do you think? Help a lost girl out

Thank you for writing to me. I’m not really qualified to advise you, but I really hate ignoring a direct appeal for help. So I’ll take a stab, but let me disclaim it.

The one thing that I found a bit sad was you talking about “wanting attention” like it’s a bad thing. I hope the people in your life aren’t telling you that. You deserve attention - everyone does. You are currently having complicated feelings, and it’s shitty for people (including your own inner voices) to accuse you of “faking it” for “attention.” For god’s sake, you’re allowed to have a rich inner life, and attention is not some corrosive thing - people need it to live. You shouldn’t seek it in negative ways, but everyone deserves some. I don’t know where those mindsets are coming from, but they’re not helpful or kind.

Also, it may help to tell you that you don’t get attention for being bisexual. In fact, if this is your road, you will have to announce it for your entire life. No matter who you partner with, you will immediately be mislabeled by the Gay Community and the Straight Community, both of whom will proceed to totally ignore and erase your concerns. People will not remember that you’re bi, and they won’t care when they do. Bisexuality does not grant you attention. It grants you invisibility. If you are concerned that you are questioning for the “wrong reasons,” perhaps this will soothe you, because the answer you find will not get you a single scrap more of validation than you would have gotten anyway.

As for questioning your sexuality, I’m afraid that this is not something I can really help you with. You are the expert on your own life. If it helps, this sounds like a perfectly typical experience. Almost every person “questions” their sexuality before they “come out.” It’s a common journey, and there is no wrong way to do it. 

You are officially Questioning. Sometimes the Community Acronym has a “Q” in it, just for people like you in this exact situation. So you get an Identity. You get a Wikipedia page. You can even call it an answer, if you like ( “Am I straight?” “Well, I’m questioning.”) You can stay in “Q” for as long as you like. Not my business to advise.

Questioning is just the beginning of getting to know yourself, and it’s pretty rare for people to arrive at life already knowing themselves. So many people question their sexuality in the process of knowing themselves better. Many people who identify as straight have gotten there after they questioned their sexuality and come to the answer of “being straight.” Many people who identify as gay got there after the classical journey of questioning and the Big Gay Epiphany. 

And many who identify as bisexual got there after having more questions than anyone else seemed to. Sometimes people decide they’re bisexual AFTER deciding that they were straight, or gay, and realizing that they still had questions! Questioning is the process of examining labels before applying one to yourself, and labels like “bisexual” can be difficult, so I don’t think you can be blamed for trying on various labels to see what fits.

It’s okay if the answer to your question is that you are “straight.” That’s an entire thing. Straight people question frequently. I think it’s because “straightness” is the societal default, but it’s restrictive and doesn’t fit a lot of people comfortably, so it seems perfectly reasonable for people to interrogate that. Occasionally when people question their sexuality, they actually find out that they’re really questioning their gender. Or they decide that they’re perfectly straight, but that they’re appreciative and supportive of the sexual appeal of their own gender, in a way that straight people normally feel they can’t be, so now they’re Just Going To Be That Straight Bro Who Tells His Straight Bros That They’re Beautiful And Worthy. Or they find out that they experience sexual attraction differently to other people. Or they find out that their same-gender sexual attraction is limited to only one person.Sometimes you find an answer you weren’t looking for. 

Anyway, that’s all stuff you can find out for yourself and probably will. At the moment, it doesn’t sound like you have the evidence to answer your questions.

I may have misread this, but you come across as “youngish” to me. So for now, I wouldn’t worry too much about having not been in love with a girl. If you are youngish, then it is a little bit unreasonable to expect an enormous, fully matured Love Affair to come and smack you in the face with a clear answer. That rarely happens, no matter what gender(s) you’re attracted to. How are you supposed to be “in love with a girl” if there are no girls around, and nobody who’s out, and nobody who’s single? You don’t even know if you like girls; don’t worry about your current lack of Big Romance with one. Half the time you won’t even know you’re having a romantic love affair until you’re wrist-deep in it. 

Anyway, this is your job, you just don’t have enough evidence to do it. You can remain in “Questioning” for as long as you like, and get some more evidence. Have fun and good luck. 

Disclaimers: I am not qualified to advise on this topic and may be wrong. Do not take this, or indeed any, advice that does not apply to you. Strangers on the internet are not a replacement for medical or mental health services. If you are in crisis please seek appropriate care. I answered this because it freaked me out to think of someone directly appealing for me to help them and then me ignoring it.

#bisexuality

[prettylittleflowerx]

Longevity Today - 9 Steps to Living a Longer, Healthier Life

Living A Long Healthy Life

Everybody would like to survive as long as possible, but many individuals aren't ready for the burden of living longer both fiscally and physically. Living longer seems really great, but aging itself increases the risk of chronic conditions that could make life even harder as you get older.

So, what can you do to make living more a fact without sacrificing quality of life?

First you have to understand that aging well takes preparation. If you're reading this article right now you're deserve a pat on the back for being a small proportion of the populace that's looking forward, and preparing for their future. Lots of men and women aren't ready for the complications that could occur as we age, or want to turn a blind eye. It's important none the less to prepare for tomorrow, by residing now. Preparation is like cash in the bank, so you may live a excellent long healthy life, and actually enjoy it.

Why do you will need to prepare to live longer? Wear and tear into your body; it's the anticipated progression of aging. Research data illustrates a number in the range of 88 percent of American Citizens over 65 years old are suffering from at least one chronic medical condition and Australia statistics states at roughly half of their populous over 65 suffer with a long term health condition. These are the facts, and sadly most folks accept that a chronic health condition is part of aging, but what if you can prevent lots of them?

What is a chronic medical condition? A chronic medical condition, any illness or health condition that lasts more than three month time period, and chronic illnesses as expected become more common place as one lives more.

Chronic or long term health conditions don't just happen overnight. They are usually a consequence of other extrinsic factors, and may be traced to alcohol use, tobacco use, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet options, obesity, neglecting oral hygiene, and not getting enough sleep- these are only few of the major contributors that lead to chronic diseases that can include:

Chronic Medical Conditions

* Arthritis - Osteoarthritis, Rheumatoid arthritis, Polymyalgia rheumatica

* Oral Health Issues - Periodontal diseases Oral cancers, reduction of bone, soft tissue damage, implants, dentures, Diabetes, Advanced gum disease, Oral Health and Hygiene

* Cancer- Prostate Cancer, Skin Cancer (Non-melanoma), Lung Cancer, liver cancer, Bladder Cancer, Melanoma, Gallbladder Cancer, Gastric (Stomach)Cancer, Breast,Mouth Cancer, Colon and Rectal Cancer

* Cardiovascular Diseases- Strokes, Diseases of Veins, heart attacks, cerebrovacular ailments, Angina pectoris, High Blood Pressure, Peripheral artery disease, heart failure, Arrhythmias, TIA

* Chronic Pain Disorders - Neuralgia, Elbow Pain, Shoulder Pain, Spine Pain, Foot Pain, Hand Pain, Hip Pain and much more.

* Diabetes- Blindness, loss of limbs, and circulatory issues.

How To Live A Longer and Healthier Life

First and foremost you need to respect your body. Respect comes in several forms:

1. Eating Properly

If you're familiar with Hippocrates you might have read the quote"Let food be thy medicine, and let medicine be thy food"

2. Keep an Ideal Weight

Maintaining your ideal weight is quite important for as you pile on the pounds you're more inclined to develop type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and triglycerides, coronary artery disease (CAD), higher blood pressure, stroke, and sleep apnea, among other ailments.

Caloric restriction has been touted by some as the path to the fountain of youth: One professor of pathology at the University of Michigan, Richard Miller, M.D., Ph.D., has spent the past twenty years exploring the ways in which dietary and genetic changes can slow the aging procedure. His studies have shown that mice, rats, and monkeys which have experienced severe caloric restriction demonstrate all types of psychological and physical benefits such as better mental function, less joint disorder, as well as fewer cases of cataracts.

3. Stop Smoking

Smoking affects every major organ in your body. Giving up the habit or not starting it is going to improve your chances of living longer, and prevent diseases like cancer, lung ailments, and heart issues.

4. Remain Active

Move it or lose it. Staying active by walking, riding a bicycle, bowling, gardening, light weight lifting, or using resistance bands that are my favorite small home gym for any age group or fitness level

5. Getting Enough Sleep

A poll done by the National Institute of Neurological Diseases and Stroke revealed that at least 40 million Americans suffer from chronic, long-term sleep disorders. The consequences of sleep deprivation on the body can contain; the development of diabetes based on a 2006 study. The research demonstrated that lack of sleep is linked with corrosion in blood sugar control in type 2 diabetes.

Obtaining 5 hours or less of sleep per night was linked to weight gain, poor memory, lower concentration, and greater prevalence of heart disease (coronary artery calcification).

6. Wear Sunscreen Every Day

UV rays not just age your skin and cause wrinkling, but would be the cause of an extremely dangerous and deadly form of cancer known as melanoma.

7. Keep Proper Oral Health - Floss Daily

Studies have proven that poor oral hygiene goes past dental carries and gum disease; it may result in heart disease, osteoporosis, lung problems, and a very powerful link to diabetes.

8. Learn How to De-stress Your Life

A little stress is truly good for you, as it functions as a bit built in alert to your mind, but stress gets very unhealthy when it goes on for long periods, and may influence your health increasing your risks of developing; heart disease, high blood sugar, high cholesterol, and increases your risk of depression.

Learn how to overeat through; Meditation, listening to music, writing in a journal, using a hobby, and learn how to visualize and think positively.

9. Require Anti Oxidant Supplements

Our modern diets are killing us. We've improved over thousands of years of sometimes restricting our calories and eating antioxidant rich diet to, in the past century, to continuously eating highly processed foods with low antioxidant levels. What this ultimately means is that we're experiencing more free radicals and much more disease than ever before.

Everybody should take one mulit-vitamin daily particularly if they're eating fast food throughout the week. Also, speaking of nutritional supplements, you've probably discovered by now a supplement called Resveratrol. It offers the wonderful health benefits of red vine, and is among the most powerful antioxidants which was found in red wine or even the skin of a specific grape that's made into red wine.

The health benefits which are being researched are pretty spectacular: cancer prevention and longevity are two which are scientists and catapulting further study. The studies are proving this powerful anti aging antioxidant can protect your heart, help prevent strokes, lower cholesterol, and much, much more.

#healthy tips #healthy living #healthy advice #health live longer

[thesportssoundoff]

“If you’re reading this, you’re going to watch this show anyways” A preview for the UFC’s return to Australia

Joey 

November 12th, 2017

Oh boy. Well it's not always going to be loaded, is it? The UFC came into this show basically with two fights to build around which in the modern era is really all you need. If fans only care about the main event and the co-main event then sure! All you need is two fights, am I right? The problem, as if often times the case, is that these things fall apart easier than a Jenga tower. Mark Hunt was pulled due to concerns about his mental health and in his place came Fabricio Werdum. That's a more interesting fight FOR me but for Aussie fans, I'm willing to bet they were 1,000,000 times more interested in Hunt/Tybura than Werdum/Tybura. No big deal because the co-main event was pretty solid am I right? Well then Joanne Calderwood pulls out and our co-main is Bec Rawlings vs Jessie Rose Clark. Even though I believe Jessy Rose-Clark is UFC caliber (she's got that Val Letourneau record where she fought a lot of badasses early in her career), that's still not a co-main event caliber fight. Beyond that you have fights ranging in quality from decent action fights to Australian filler to "look we need at least 10 fights!" type stuff. It's really no different from last year's November Australia card which was ALSO ruined by injury. Sorry Aussies!

Fights: 13

Debuts: 4 (Shane Young, Nadia Kassem, Jessy Rose- Clark, Tai Tuivasa)

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations:  4 (Mark Hunt OUT, Fabricio Werdum IN vs Marcin Tybura/Joanna Calderwood OUT, Jessy Rose-Clark IN vs Bec Rawlings/Jeremy Kennedy OUT, Shane Young IN vs Alexander Volkanovski/Jesse Taylor OUT, Tim Means IN vs Belal Muhammad)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 6 (Fabricio Werdum, Marcin Tybura, Jake Matthews, Dan Kelly, Will Brooks, Anthony Hamilton)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:  5 (Will Brooks, Jake Matthews, Bec Rawlings, Anthony Hamilton, Eric Shelton)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC:  3 (Belal Muhammad, Marcin Tybura, Alexander Volkanovski)

Stat Monitor for 2017:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 34-29)- Shane Young, Nadia Kassem, Jessy Rose- Clark, Tai Tuivasa, Adam Wieczrowek

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 20-31-1)- Fabricio Werdum, Shane Young, Jessy Rose-Clark, Tim Means

Second Fight (Current number: 24-35)- Ashkan Mokhtarian, Frank Camacho, Rashad Coultier

Cage Corrosion (18-11-1)- Alex Chambers, Bec Rawlings

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- Perhaps NO single relationship in the UFC is as tortured as the relationship between Dana White and Fabricio Werdum. Werdum was the guy who was supposed to lose to "the guy" but he's just kept winning and winning and winning and so on so forth. I wonder if Dana grew to like Werdum due to the fact that he's well spoken (more on that later) and ultra reliable to make it to fight night. They gave Werdum main events in Brazil, they hired him to be their lead Spanish color commentator, had a reality show with he and Cain etc etc. At the same time it feels like the two never really ever liked one another with Dana on two-three separate occasions giving Werdum the "That's nice but you should've finished the fight" speech to Werdum's Reebok comments which got him yanked off commentary duties. They built a stadium show around the legends of Brazil and Werdum was the one guy who came up short in humiliating fashion. Werdum's use of "maricon" is the sort of thing that is simply unacceptable for a major org.  There are TWO major instances of Werdum being selective about his next fight (He turned down Stipe Miocic in a short notice fight and turned down Overeem similarly last year). Beyond all that though, Werdum's still a quality capable HW which the UFC needs. He's a proud Brazilian who can headline events which the UFC are in short supply of. What's more is dude stays busy. Last year he fought in May (after bowing out in February), September and was scheduled to fight in December.  This year he's fought in July, October and now a month later in November. Dude STAYS active and that matters in today's UFC. They sort of need one another---and that's a pretty good way to describe this pairing at this point.

2- I wonder if Marcin Tybura is going to be a guy who is as valuable as a pseudo Russian (M-1 ties) than he will be as a Polish born HW.

3- I wonder if the move to 170 lbs is the equivalent of do or die for Jake Matthews. The Aussie is very young, talnted and he came into the UFC with a bevy of hype as potentially the BIG star from Australia. It has been an uneven ride thus far for Jake Matthews affter two submission wins over limited opposition. A loss to James Vick followed and since then? It's been uneven. He looked FANTASTIC vs Johnny Case but against Akhbar Arreola, Kevin Lee and Andrew Holbrook he just hasn't looked the same. He's powerful but when he's met by somebody who isn't going to be bullied, Matthews wilts. His striking has long been a problem and I don't think it's gotten any better recently. He has this propensity to duck and flail for a takedown when hurt which cost him vs Kevin Lee and James Vick. He's moving up in weight which might be a better move since perhaps cutting too much weight for his muscular frame could be a problem. Bojan Velickovic is a big burly welterweight who hits hard but has a propensity to getting taken down. It's fair matchmaking; pitting strength vs weakness for both fighters.

4- Jessy Rose-Clark has a 7-4 record which on paper makes you think she's probably not going to be something of another. I won't begrudge anybody for feeling that way BUT Pannie Kianzad was a top regional prospect when they faced off. She gave some problems to Sarah Kaufman and Pam Sorenson in decision losses and has wins over some undefeated prospects like Janay Harding. Her last time out she beat Carina Damm on like a week's notice which is a no joke type of win. I don't know if she'll beat Bec Rawlings BUT I think some people are going to be surprised.

5- No matter the country, Tim Means vs Belal Muhammad is a pretty solid fight. Means has a well earned reputation as a poor man's Matt Brown with his love of knees and elbows in all different types of set ups.  Means has a well known reputation as a kill or be killed type of fighter but he showcased some restraint and poise in his last fight. On the other hand, Belal Muhammad has been a bit TOO poised in his more recent days. His offensive output tends to wane and he's gone away from some of the weapons which made him a promising prospect. That said, he's still tremendously gifted and both he and Means could create for some magic.

6- I think it speaks to the decline of Will Brooks that he's probably the best fighter on this card but he's sandwiched on the FS1 prelims between Ryan Benoit/Askhan Mokhtarian and Adam Wierowczek/Anthony Hamilton. Brooks' losses have been frustrating as he got outathlete'd vs Charles Oliveira and his fight vs Alex "Cowboy" Oliveira was a catchweight after Cowboy just showed up all kinds of out of shape. He SHOULD be able to run right through Nik Lentz but Brooks seems so hit or miss these days that you simply can't bet on anything anymore.

7- Reminder that Ryan Benoit iced Sergio Pettis and gave Brandon Moreno trouble in a close loss. The problem is that in a sea of about 10 flyweights resting outside the top 5 (Mighty Mouse, Benavidez, Cejudo, Pettis and Formiga), you have a bunch of guys just not fighting frequently enough or just fighting in nowhere's land on the card.

8- Dan Kelly vs Elias Thorodorou is your smoke break. Adjust your schedule accordingly. Two similar like minded fighters except one is 58 years old.

9- I'm glad to see Eric Shelton getting a third chance after two tough split decision losses vs established competition. There's nothing wrong with facing Alejandre Pantoja and Jarred Brooks and walking out with split decision losses. Jenel Lausa is a step backwards in reputation BUT his talent level can challenge Shelton.

10- I now I mention this all the time but I'm always happy when multiple flyweight fights are on the same card. I want this division to survive and thrive.

11- I don't know if Tai Tuivasa is going to be any good as a fighter but any under 25 year old heavyweight has my attention immediately.

12- It's not gonna win any beauty contests but Damien Brown vs Fran Camacho is a lock to be one of the wildest wackiest fights of the night. Slopfest of all slopfests right here, man.

Must Win

1- Tai Tuivasa

The UFC is bound to go to Australia at least once a year if not more so. Mark Hunt will be out of this organization sooner rather than later. A new Australian monster HW would almost immediately slot in #3 behind Robert Whittaker and Meagan Anderson as potential Australian drawing cards. Tuivasa could have a long time future in the UFC if he's even MODERATELY decent.

2- Jake Matthews

The clock is ticking on WHAT Jake Matthews is going to be in the UFC. What was a promising debut has slowly eroded into becoming just another guy in a crowded 155 to 185 lb universe. He's changing weight classes and getting a truly dangerous opponent in Bojan Velickovic. This could be a really interesting challenge for him.

3- Marcin Tybura

Until he decides not to, Fabricio Werdum will be in the UFC. He's too valuable. Now as it pertains to Tybura, this is the highest profile fight of his career. This isn't slumming it up on a UFC prelim slate, this is headlining in a much tougher fight than his original assignment. A win here and he becomes a major player in a division seeking younger big bodied dudes to take up spots.  

You Should Watch These Fights

(Cuz ain't nothin' here must see)

1- Fabricio Werdum vs Marcin Tybura

2- Jake Matthews vs Bojan Velickovic

3- Rashad Coultier vs Tai Tuivasa

4- Ryan Benoit vs Askhan Mokhtari

5- Damien Brown vs Frank Camacho

#MMA #UFC #Australia #Fight Night #Tybura #Werdum

[fortuitousmind]

Traumatic Relationships Have Effects Beyond Emotional Health

Contains material that references abusive relationships and excoriation behaviors.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on learning how to love again

when the touch of another

is a shower of acid rain

for so long

 it is difficult to believe that fingertips

are capable of anything more than

corrosion

 it is as if the burn will never end-

chemical gnawing flesh to bone

for the remainder of eternity

 how fortunate am i

to have found somebody who does not

mind the scars

 how fortunate am i

to have found somebody who does not

bring pain to the wounds

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

I know I haven’t posted in awhile, but I’m feeling inspired to write for the first time in a long time, so here we go. I saw a post on Instagram about qualities of abusive vs. healthy relationships, and it led me to reflect on my own experiences that I haven’t shared much about on any public platform due to me still working through my trauma and being able to verbalize it. Let’s discuss the effects of chronic stress, such as being in an abusive relationship, on the body.

I want to talk about how much the people you surround yourself with can impact your physical appearance. The top row of photos in the image above is from November 25, 2016, after about three months of being in an abusive relationship. The stress of being in such an unhealthy situation was so intense that my skin looked like that top row all of the time, which was extremely out of the ordinary for me because I had never had that bad of an issue before I moved into college.

Nothing could help clear my face up because everything was solely stress-induced. To make things worse, I used to have pretty significant skin-picking behaviors that I would engage in when I was struggling from more severe depression or anxiety than my typical amount. I thought that maybe if I could get rid of the bumps on my face and my legs and my arms, the bad feelings would go away (Please note: this is an unhealthy behavior and not an effective method of coping. I only share this information because it is a major component that contributed to the subject being discussed).

I would wear copious amounts of makeup, and it still wasn’t enough to cover the damage. In fact, I only have the top row of photos because I was documenting the transformation of my skin before and after applying makeup. I couldn’t wear shorts because I was embarrassed by all of the marks. I would space out when engaging in these behaviors and get carried away, not realizing how drastically I was affecting my appearance. It constantly looked like I had an awful case of poison ivy.

Fast forward to 2020, at the same point of time in my current relationship. The bottom row of pictures is from within the past three weeks. The difference is absolutely astounding. I don’t have foundation on in any of those photos and, I don’t mean to be conceited, but I’m kinda glowing (Disregard the bags under my eyes when evaluating this statement. I am very tired. I am very tired all of the time. My boyfriend says it’s like Goob from Meet the Robinsons. Google that if you must).

Being under prolonged and intense stress, such as being in an abusive situation, doesn’t just affect you emotionally. There are physical effects on the body that can have long-term consequences to your health. Below is a list of some of the long-term effects of chronic stress on the body, as described by the American Psychological Association. Click the link to read about these effects in more detail.

-Headaches         -Migraines -Chronic pain due to constant muscle tension -Increased risk for hypertension, heart attack, stroke, heart disease -Elevated cholesterol levels -Increased cortisol levels* -Chest pain and heartburn -Stomach pain, bloating, nausea -Decreased appetite and digestive issues -Difficulty breathing due to bronchoconstriction -Low circulation -Decreased libido due to disruption in hormone production -Reduced ability to conceive (affecting the reproductive capacity of all genders) -Worsened symptoms of reproductive diseases

*Prolonged increased cortisol levels contribute to a slew of physical symptoms as well, including weight gain, acne, muscle weakness, severe fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and effects on memory formulation.

Surrounding yourself by people who truly love you, care about you, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated has such a profound effect on both your mind and body. It’s crazy how much changes when you are no longer actively being abused and undergoing constant traumas.

I am very happy with where I’m at right now in my personal relationships, who I’m with, and how everything is playing out. I genuinely never thought I would be able to experience that kind of thing after all that happened just a couple years ago. I didn’t think I would be able to develop any kind of attraction to a person again, let alone allow myself to experience the vulnerability of loving somebody again.

I must say, the “love” I am referring to regarding my past experience was not real love. It was a product of infatuation with the idea of having somebody who “wanted” me and being gaslighted to the point where I believed that I was in the wrong for having hurt feelings over mistreatment. The person had convinced me that people who loved other people exhibited extreme emotional sensitivity and reactivity, as well as control over the other individual, because they cared about them. They convinced me that nobody else would ever want me or love me, so they were my only option and the best thing that I was going to get, and I needed to accept that. They were isolating and possessive, and encouraged me to believe that they were the only person who was ever going to “care.” This is not healthy. This is not love.

It took me months after the end of the relationship to be able to recognize the extent of the abuse I experienced and the impact it had on my quality of life. Even then, I had not developed PTSD until over a year after it ended. It’s taken until now, over two years later, to recognize the significant effects this had on my health and wellbeing.

If you have made it this far into the post, thank you for reading. It feels good to be able to start to verbalize this experience. I have not been able to find the words to begin to describe it until now, and I think that’s why it can be so difficult to start to work on symptoms of trauma and PTSD. When you don’t know how to organize the words or even come up with thoughts explaining what you experienced and how it made you feel, it’s nearly impossible to work through it with a mental health professional. It’s taken two and a half years of self-exploration and discovery to get here. Thank you all for being patient with me on this journey.

Enduring and surviving intimate partner violence and abuse does not make you weak. It does not mean you will be unable to open up to somebody again. It does not mean that you will be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life. It is possible to escape these situations and heal. It takes time, but you will be able to build yourself back up.

Here are some resources for people who may be experiencing domestic violence or dating abuse.

I want to give a special thank you to Stephen, for teaching me what it’s like to love and be loved for real. Life is wonderful by your side.

#relationships #intimate partner violence #domestic abuse #emotional abuse #depression #anxiety #excoriation #trigger warning #content warning #abusive relationships #ptsd #trauma #post traumatic stress disorder #growth #recovery #mental heal #physical health #stress #chronic stress

[daveywankenobie]

People seem to be marking the turn of the year from 2019 into 2020 as an opportunity to look back not just at the last year but the last decade. As such there’s a storm of people in social media posting comparisons of how they look now alongside a photo of themselves in 2010.

Nowadays I’m not really all that sensitive about photographs of me – and I tend to let them be taken (or take them myself) regardless of how I may look.

I’m easily found in Google image searches – so why hide any more? I can’t really put the genie back in the bottle…

It’s oddly liberating – and even when I’ve had my identity stolen (which has happened twice now) it still failed to deter me.

In 2010 things were different though and I wasn’t so keen on having pictures taken of me.

Consequently only a few exist in my computer’s photo album. Two of them were taken by other people and one is a selfie. I’m not yet at my heaviest weight of 35st in any of these – and I know this from the shirts I’m wearing in the pictures.

They are 7XL rather than the 8XL ones I finally ended up in.

It’s often the case that when others look at a photo of you they make their own judgements. If they see you smiling and happy – their assumption is that that’s how you felt in that moment. Photos can hide a lot though – and I’m sure we all look back at them and can think very differently about what they represent to us.

In 2002 I watched a film called one hour photo (link) with Robin Williams where a technician becomes obsessed with the pictures he’s developing. Over several years he works on images of what appears to be a perfect family unit which ultimately results in an unhealthy and obsessive need to get closer to them.

In doing so he learns that the idealised family life with them that he dreams he is part of is far from perfect. Their beaming smiles in the photos he processes belie the truth – and when he discovers an extra marital affair his world (and that of the family) begins to unravel in a very unsettling way.

The premise stuck with me after I watched it  – and in a pre-social media world, before terms like ‘fakebook’ existed to describe our carefully crafted online profiles of perfect lives it left me thinking a lot about what really sat behind all of the photos that I had in albums.

I’m around 32-33st in the photo above.

Depressingly it was taken after I managed to lose 10st on the Cambridge diet, but not before I packed it all straight back on again (at the rate of 1st per month!) as well as a little bit more on top for good measure.

I chose the seat I was sitting on because it was the only place in the bar my friend and I had met in that didn’t have arms on the seats. It was a large padded fabric cube in front of a huge wooden table and it meant I didn’t struggle to get in or out of where I chose to have a drink.

In this second one from 2010 I’m proudly holding my friends new born daughter – who has turned into a lovely young girl as the years have passed.

This photo is happy because of this being the first baby I’d ever held – and I was amazed at how tiny all of her little features were. She was absolutely perfect and slept quietly as I held her.

I also remember though that (like the pub) there was only one place that I could comfortably sit in my friend’s house, and shortly after this I managed to break it – which meant he needed to repair the whole sofa.

I can’t look at this happy picture without the taint of that memory.

There were also more bizzare things to remember in 2010 – and for whatever reason around this time (her motivations were always opaque to me) my mother had begun to send me increasingly weird gifts in the post.

Periodically her texts and letters (all of which were corrosive and detrimental to my mental health) had caused me to withdraw, change my mobile number, not give her my new addresses when I moved – and gradually cut her further and further out of my life.

It didn’t stop her posting parcels to me via my dad however, and in one of these she saw fit to send me a jester’s hat.

I didn’t like it very much.

In another were some rings that she thought would appeal to me (modelled here by myself and my brother) but clearly would have looked more at home on the hand of Liberace.

I never understood why she thought I’d appreciate these things back then (her letters suggested that they were genuine presents rather than passive aggressive jabs) and I still haven’t figured it all out to this day – but it’s a reminder (sadly) that not having her in my life since she passed away is something that’s made things better rather than worse.

She passed away in 2016 and gradually at this point my life started to improve.

I don’t hold any ill will though and try to think kindly of her.

I don’t have much evidence of the types of food that I ate in 2010 but one photo reminded me that I used to regularly frequent The Racehorse pub in Warwick – where I ate the same types of meals over and over again.

I dread to think what the calorie content of my cheese topped garlic bread, chips, sausage, pork chop, gammon and lamb cutlet was but it was a staple part of my diet for quite a while.

The point is I guess that things are (in every conceivable respect) are better now than they were 10 years ago.

Admittedly I’m a teeny bit greyer now than I was 10 years ago – and I’m still an unapologetic geek (if anyone hasn’t seen The Mandalorian yet (link) I highly recommend it because it will help explain the beanie) but in almost every other respect my life is AMAZINGLY different.

For the first six months of 2019 I was still the Slimming World MOTY, and my photo is still plastered all over the wall at SWHQ – something that I still can’t quite get my head around.

It’s true to say though that although this was a major high point of my time so far on earth over half of the last decade is period that I’d prefer to forget.

Many years ago I was a care worker, and as part of the role I volunteered to help put together the life story of a man I looked after.

His early adulthood had been a vital and exciting one where he had been a bomb disposal expert in the RAF. He was stationed in Germany after the war and played a part in removing much ordnance from cities that the Allies has bombed.

He was also engaged to be marry to a lovely German girl with blonde hair and a pretty smile.

This was until he was involved in a horrific car accident. When this happened not only was he badly burned and physically broken but he also lost the capability to retain any long term memories from that point on.

After years of waiting for him to recover his fiancé moved on – but her Black and white oval photo remained by his bedside.

She sent him a letter folded up inside a Christmas card telling him about her family and grandchildren. He cried each time he saw it and then stopped when he forgot what it was that he held in his hand.

He remembered his childhood and things that he’d experienced until the day of the accident – but from that point onwards everything was lost. Burning bread was forgotten as soon as it went into the toaster and cup of tea after cup of tea went cold as it passed from conscious memory to oblivion whilst sitting just outside his direct line of sight.

His surviving relative (a very kindly uncle) was the only man that knew him and who had remained in his life from the day that he was born until the day I’d met him, and he was getting old.

I sat with him for a long time looking through yellowed photos until everything just stopped in the mid sixties at the time of the crash. From that point onwards he had moved from medical facility to medical facility and care home to care home where nothing had happened to him.

Not one solitary piece of information existed from the early sixties to the late 90’s to describe what he’d said, done, written, thought or enjoyed.

For over thirty years he became a gap in history, and in 2016 I realised that I too was becoming something similar. I created nothing – instead consuming everything from food and alcohol to media and video games.

My life was an empty vessel.

So – even if I wanted to remember it, a good chunk of the last decade is only explained my my rather epic xbox live achievement history – which details the myriad of digital distractions that I buried myself in whilst I drank or ate away my life.

I don’t think that the next ten years will be like this though.

I might have made mistakes in the past – but I feel like things are finally different.

Sure I still struggle – but I’m more in control than ever before and that’s a good feeling. The road to 2020 may have been rocky but I have love, good health and a future.

Isn’t that all anyone can ask for?

Hell – at least I won’t regret the last four years – even if I still excel at screwing up occasionally!

Davey

The road to 2020 People seem to be marking the turn of the year from 2019 into 2020 as an opportunity to look back not just at the last year but the last decade.

[mychaosgames]

#1800001 - #1800003

Date: 2018 Completed: Solo Time: 17h

Congratulations to the creators for creating something incredible. I can not believe this was done with RpgMaker software. As soon as I saw the announcement of the game in steam I fell in love soon, I’m crazy about this kind of genre.

It is undoubtedly a simulator of real life, each choice has consequences, good or bad. If you like love story this is definitely worth playing.

Date: 2018 Completed: Solo Time: 10h

I must say this game was how I met the Corrosion projects.

The Japanese theme is something that always interested and the fact that you can be the leader of a rebellion, create my own character led me to buy this game.

The game is an open world in which it gives the player a main objective, but not only, as long as the player will explore the map world other places will be unlocked, having side quests, recruit companions, etc.

With this the player will gain fame and resources in which he will have to make decisions for the most part based on his leadership of an army being able to transmit command of policies and constructions of commissions.

The battle system in my opinion is well balanced (but not for all tastes) can be a bit frustrating at first but with the right choice of various skills the frustrating will ends up soon.

The weapons and armor are quite decent, being some better than others, bearing in mind that some weapons and armor is necessary to unlock the Skill to be able to use. The weapons and armor have durability so it is necessary to repair from time to time.

The soundtrack of the game has a touch of Japanese music which I loved.

What I missed in this game was a more elaborate plot. But apart from that I think the game is pretty polished, given that it uses rpg maker software.

Date: 2018 Completed: Solo Time: 8h

A game that explores the depths of human emotion and raw relationships as the player paves the way through the unimaginable horrors hidden in a seemingly tranquil hotel.

The player wears the skin of Joe Davis who as a child knows ivy already had feeding problems, being marked by a terrible event with his brother.

It has been several years since this event. Joe finds ivy, falls in love and gets married. But over time their relationship gradually gets cold and Joe wants to save his marriage.

One of the things the player can look at is the monochromatic color palette that Dev used to create his characters and game scenarios, combining the ambient sound with the lighting and soundtrack making a great combination. Given that certain vivid colors like red from a bow or jewel, sky blue reminds you that the palette is not just black and white.

There are times when the player will notice the lights turn off, there are whispers, scratches or suspenseful scenes such as the ax man approaching slowly, leaving a brief tension in the player.

As you progress through the game, you may see some slightly disturbing images, such as open wounds, dismembered body parts, etc. that may not be in everyone's stomach.

The various lighting levels that exist in the game can somewhat change the mood of the player. Like going through a corridor with several windows where rays of light illuminate the entire room around the player, for example.

Much of the horror of the game can be seen through the various conversations with the hotel characters. The various options that exist in the game as the player progresses in the game begin to become a difficult choice of how Joe should express himself. Through various dialogues the player may or may not realize Joe's level of mental health.

You should explore a relationship that is about to end, where each party knows exactly how to hurt each other by saying painful things or treating silence.

There is a hint of black humor in some of Joe's conversations, such as in a place where death is on the line and each participant adds some humor and underlying threat.

Each choice you made will affect the end of the game. These decisions the player may notice a small light, like a flash on the screen.

All the choices I made were all based on the good side of Joe and the ones that made the most sense in that field. Even though Ivy always upset.  In the end I missed only 2 skulls to have 100% in the game.

The voices of the characters are not all bad in my opinion, like that of Agnes who conveys relaxation and positivism, Joe himself who conveys love, anger, frustration and sadness in his voice and Ivy with her voice always sad and tired.

There are several characters the player will meet at the hotel like the 4 Sophie, the idiot of Harrison, the doctor z experimenting with crazy socks, The Queen of Maggots (who also appears in the cat lady) with her terrifying voice and susen of the cat lady game.

There are several puzzles to make throughout the game to keep up with the story, but nothing too complicated.

For those who like this type of games, I recommend to try.

#2018 #completed #yep

[shawnjacksonsbs]

The "not-so" secret formula to my contentment.    9-8-19

"Nobody else can live the life you live. And even though no human being is perfect, we always have the chance to bring what's unique about us to live in a redeeming way." - Mr. Fred Rogers And that's all I am trying to do with my writings, my shares, my whole life really. My story may not be some great made for t.v. triumph, but in its uniqueness, it's important (and not just to me) that I share it, as I live it and grow in it. I look at as much of the negatives as I can, like more of an opportunity. Not always in the immediate heat of the moment sometimes, but I try. That's one of my life lessons I imagine will stay current with me each day as we move into our respective futures. Living resentlessly is pretty big. They say that resentments are the number one cause of relapse for people like me, as in, those recovered from or recovering from some type of addiction. I'm pretty sure I've dealt with most of all those toxicities that kept me so sick, albeit some not the way I wanted (whole other story lol). I try to live in such a way these days that I don't harbor any new resentments. Should something arise I can usually handle it pretty quickly. Because. . .as it. . . "TURNS OUT, RESENTMENT IS CORROSIVE AND I HATE IT." - Tony Stark Living in gratitude, being loving and as kind as humanly possible are pretty far up there in that formula as well. I'm secure in the fact that living with as much gratitude as I can works hand in hand with not keeping with the resentments on that end too. Trying to make good, right, and sound decisions doesn't hurt either. Nor does the whole truth-telling bit I have added to my life. Having to remember stupid ass lies all the time used to be exhausting, to say the least. Lol I sleep well every night knowing I am living the best way I know how, for me, and for those in my life, here, or at a distance. I ask myself "Did you do the best you could today?" If I answer yes, then I sleep good, and tomorrow is a new day. If I answer no, then I tell myself that I'll do better tomorrow. Apologize where I need to, then sleep good and tomorrow is a new day. Love me or hate me, that's on you. At least I know I keep it real and I'm sincere. We may not see eye to eye, but I always tell the truth as I see it, how it comes at me, and how it feels to my heart. A lot of people relate to me and plenty of them support me and my life decisions. My life is just that, my life. Your options are either take it or leave it. I'm not above reproach or even above criticism, but that's mainly for differences of opinions. Feel free to speak your mind at me and change my heart if you can. Moral issues and matters of the heart, I'm probably less likely to swerve on those, because they are personal to who I am, and who I've become. A very long hard road has brought me here and your approval, on those things are not needed. I no longer need acceptance from others to dictate who I am, at all, ever. I've never felt so sure about who I am, where I'm going or why, in all my life. A good, just, and positive life is for me. I can't imagine ever going back, or living as less, or even changing my perspectives, on much really, but I will always try to listen, or try if I can, to hear someone out, albeit it may be hard as I try to live as right as I can most of the time. Love and kindness always being on the forefront doesn't leave much room for anything you might say that might take away from that love and kindness, at least in that regard. The only other thing might be how I call people out on what I feel isn't right. If that's the case, you may be right, but I'm probably never not going to stand up to people who treat others in a bad way, and I will never stop standing up for what I believe is right, especially when it involves others being mistreated, whether grouped or individual. Granted I'm working on me, and better, more delicate ways to try and approach some of those issues because I am far, far from perfect. But I also feel a moral imperative responsibility to try something, because of how far I've come. Look it's real easy, if you want to be a part of my life then be prepared to be called out on shit like that. If you care about me we can talk about it. If there is no love from your side or mine, then the door swings out too. Peace out. The things in my heart, are much more important to me, and for the little people in my life to see from me, than what you may or may not not be agreeing with. I'm not saying that your way or ways are necessarily wrong, but if they aren't what I'm trying to live by and be an example of, then I'm probably not having it in my life. Especially if I deem them to be negative, in any way. You can do what you want, as can I and I will continue to live the absolute best way I know how. I finally got my moral compass to point true north. You may feel yours does too, but if I see yours slightly askew then all that means is, you and me, we ain't the same. That doesn't mean we can't have love for one another unless you see it differently. To me, it just means maybe we have some talks in our future and that sometimes it takes more than just blood to relate to someone. I'm super blessed to have so many who do see and feel things like I do, both blood relation and those who are not. I suppose most of this would be nil, if not so many people did relate and support me. If it was just love and/or respect, but it's not. I know in my heart where I stand. I mean keeping my moral compass pointing in this direction has served me pretty well the last several years. It attracts the right people into my life as I slowly eliminate any toxic people not ok with how I live my life, or how I see life. I'm pretty sure, people who know me, know I that don't want bad shit for anyone, but if negative people fall off my ship instead of learning the life lessons that exhume gratitude for everything, even the most difficult, then that not my fault. Finding the silver in everything now is never ever going to be something I feel shame over. I'm sorry if you feel attacked. I assure you that's not my intent. Sharing my story, which constantly is changing, isn't meant to be preachy or soap boxy. It's meant to be relatable or at least understandable. 'Nough said I think. I didn't mean to hijack the entry in this direction, but it is a blog about how I feel about things so. . .lol . . . So there's that. Saw this post the other day; ~{I was asked, "You're willing to lose friends over politics?!!" I said, "No. I'm willing to lose friends over morals. HUGE difference."}~ I felt that in my heart. Even though I didn't share that post, it is important to my internal peace so I thought I'd write about it because I assure you that its only a coincidence, the fact that sometimes its related to politics. The banter, debates, and popular post discussions are a huge fuel source for my writing. I keep them close. Those talks are part of what frame us. What frames my perspectives anyways. Like it makes the edges more defined. I do share in some talks outside of social media that do the same thing, but either way, it's what is needed to help keep my mind fresh, my writings intact, plus my emotional and mental health stable as well. "Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity.", although John Bender said that under a slightly different context, I think its fits for me here. I use what you guys fuel to give back to you as I see it and repeat the cycle, as it were. Thank you for that. Now to shuffle and deal myself a fair, and sane hand I'm going to have to plan a vacation to see my Washington people, hopefully, sooner rather than later. I miss them fools more than anyone knows. They hold a huge piece of my heart in theirs, from my Fence Specialists family to my extended "other" family, (my everything else out there family.) The ones I spent holidays with and shared in joys and some sorrows with. The universe alone knows how much I love and miss the lot of them. I think quite a bit about being back there with them, although I could never, ever give up what I have here, back home with my family. In a perfect world we could all live somewhere close to one another, those from Washington and my family here, but . . .What I've gained by being back, along with finally holding a place in my family is pretty close to untoppable. Therefore, because I will never not be able to have them in my life a visit is the balance I'm going to need, as I did in reverse for the last several years. Anyways, with a tear in my eye and the small pain tearing at my heart, I will move from this topic, for now. Visit soon, seriously, period, exclamation point, stop. Period. End of discussion. I imagine a big part of why I'm missing them harder recently is probably because of the holidays, birthdays, my 6-year dope free anniversary are all coming up quick, and for the first several years they were the ones celebrating them with me. Don't get me wrong, making these new memories is worth more than its weight in gold, but a lot of silvers were shared with them. Remember to share the love and the laughter with the world around you. And please, please always be kind where you can, to who you can, especially if you know they're struggling with anything. Our world could be so much more than it gets credit for, as too the people living on it. Compassion doesn't make you weak, it makes you brave as it takes courage to stand up to those who don't agree with it. Until next week; "There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind." - Mr. Fred Rogers