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pfhwrittes · 4 hours

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inspired by @femalefemur’s post and my tags:

#johnny sends this to his transmasc partner post top surgery #no one can change my mind on this #he's so used to you calling your tits your tits that he's adopted it #so when you send him “im fcukin bobless babbbyy” while still fighting off anaesthetic he absolutely cracks up #just completely loses it #and he has to show gaz the messages to explain why he's laughing so hard #gaz's eyebrows shoot up his forehead and god that's even funnier to johnny for some reason so he can barely breathe when he sends back - #- “thats braw handsome” and he can tell you're probably squinting SO hard at your messages from the way the dots indicating you're typing - #- keep popping up and disappearing over and over #eventually you just send him a blurry selfie of your loopy grin and part of the hospital gown #with a “lvoe uu” #jm #sorry cyn i have no idea where that spark of inspiration came from #and i probably should've put it in its own post instead of the tags #but here we are now #ily!

and @syoddeye’s reply:

@/pfhwrittes thank you for the notes fic, fucking adore it. definitely loses his shit when his partner, still woozy, smiles all dorky “I got my toys off AND a boyfriend?? wow…love it here.”

pairing: john mactavish x transmasc!reader

500ish of barely edited words below the cut.

warnings: post-surgical procedure inebriation, references to surgical procedure (top surgery), fluff.

–

your head feels both light as air and heavier than your parent’s disappointed gaze when the lovely nurse smiles at you and kindly informs you that “your boyfriend and friend will be coming in to see you, sweetheart.”

you think you blink and sigh softly in response.

wow, no tits and two boyfriends? this place is great!

two rumbling laughs cause your eyes to flutter open and you’re already beaming as two beautiful and familiar faces swim into view from the end of the incredibly comfortable bed you’re laying on.

“oh mate, you’re well out of it, aren’t ya?”

oh he’s so pretty! so smiley and pretty!

there’s another laugh, this one closer and your head swivels, bobbles, rolls, as you look down at a large warm hand holding your own. you blearily follow the hand, up past the faded inky shield and sword tattoo, to gaze into the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.

“j’nny!” you beam, utterly delighted by the way his eyes crinkle warmly and the hand squeezes your own slightly.

“‘m here, my braw, bonnie lad.”

another warm hand reaches over from the other side of the bed to hold your free hand, mindful of the large white dressing on the back, and you’re dazzled by the smooth brown skin.

kyle’s holding my hand!

“yep, sure am, mate.” kyle’s voice shakes with barely restrained laughter.

it’s like looking into the sun, so warm and pretty.

your eyes drift closed again as you hear johnny and kyle talk softly over your reclined form.

–

some time later, you’re not sure how long exactly but the light from the window in your room has gone soft and golden, your eyes slowly blink open. your mouth feels dry and tacky, and you can hear the muted sounds of two animated siblings squabbling on the tv in the corner of the room.

“-think of him more as a large brother. no offence.”

“yes, offence!”

you blink woozily as a callused palm smooths your sweaty hair away from your temple.

“how’re ye feelin’ now handsome boy?” johnny asks gently.

you nuzzle into his palm and grumble weakly.

“aye, prob’ly a wee bit thirsty, hm?”

you nod your head slowly, still feeling like you’ve been stuffed full of cotton, and feel the way the motion pulls oddly at the lump of white stretchy fabric on your chest. you drop your chin to stare at the smooth flat shape that makes up the surgical binder.

slowly, you lift your head to gaze wide eyed and delighted at johnny before flicking your eyes over to kyle who has been watching you carefully from the slightly more comfortable chair in the corner of the room.

“alright mate?” kyle asks carefully.

you beam.

“i‘m fuckin’ awesome.”

–

three slightly wet sounding laughs fill the room as the nurse shuffles in, a large jug of water in one hand and a tiny paper cup of pills in the other. she takes a moment to smile to herself, unnoticed by her patient and the two handsome men radiating pride and love that are with him.

the lucky devil.

#binders and boyfriends #john soap mctavish x reader #transmasc!reader #tw surgery mention #jm #kg #this is all semi-autobiographical fluff at this point

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the-kipsabian · 2 days

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HEY FELLAS I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT (or well its important to me so. do whatever you wish with this information lmao)

i wanna show you something thats high key kinda cool actually

we did this today

now, to you this may not seem like much of a big deal. "oh wow a ship tag reaches 100 works on ao3, thats like every day"

except its not every day. not in this fandom, not with rare pairs, especially not with this one lmao. out of these 100 uploads, at the moment, 94% of them are literally just done by two people, yours truly and my blessed partner in crime @midnightpretenders0 💜 there are others, and bless their hearts and incredible fics, but seriously just.. i hate tooting my own horn but without our contribution this ship would be in single digits still very likely

theres just something about this that makes me really proud idk. that we ever got this far. having this ship be one of the few, i believe, in the aew tag that reaches in triple digits of fics. that i have such an incredible co-writer without who none of this would have been possible. without who i wouldnt be still writing and trying to create even nearly to the degree that i am. its just... power of friendship and being completely insanely delusional over our favorite blorbos making out ya know? 💜💜💜

im just feeling a lot of things right now but yeah. peep some fics in there. theres so much good stuff, which feels very selfish to say LMAO but its true tho. we got this far for a reason

anyways i love you all im just. very proud. of us. of bugs. of myself. just keeping this fucking thing up no matter what. god i dont. this is the stupidest post ive ever written and such a stupid thing to be proud of but who gives a shit after all this fucking effort this deserves to be said

💜💜💜

#..not to mention this is just a fraction of things that were actually uploaded to ao3. theres still loads more lmao #but those are a thing for another time if at all so. heres to a hundred. maybe more in the future #cheers i just wanted to be an emotional bastard for a while sorry not sorry LMAO #night is an absolute mess on main

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halfmoth-halfman · 2 days

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Leaving this blog.

With my mini-series finishing up soon, I've decided to leave this blog as well as my AO3 account once it’s finished. This is not a decision I've made lightly, but circumstances have left this a place where I no longer feel safe.

As of now, I won't be deactivating this blog and will be leaving my fics up for anyone who'd still like to read them. I can't say this decision won't change later, but right now I feel that I've put too much work into this blog to simple delete it.

Below the cut is an explanation of why I'm making this decision, and what has been happening on this blog since the end of last year. It's not required to read or anything to understand the gist of this post; it's simply for my own peace of mind knowing that I spoke up about it. There will be topics that are possibly triggering such as harassment, threats, and racism so please mind the warnings and tags.

The mini-series is queued to finish next week, but there will be no more fic polls or wip wednesdays. I'll still be on here to make sure the queue does its job, and maybe post some stuff from my old drafts as a last bit of fun.

I'll have dms tentatively open for the next two-ish weeks for those who'd like to follow my new account, however I will not be answering anything from empty blogs. After that, asks and dms will be turned off, and I won't be coming back to this blog very often, if at all.

I cannot say thank you enough to the wonderful readers I've had and the amazing people I've met. I don't think I would've ever continued writing without your support and friendship. There's nothing I can do to show my appreciation for all of you.

Maybe we'll see each other again. If not, I hope your inspiration is always flowing, and 2024 treats you kindly.

Mothie 💜

Again, TW: rape/death threats, violent racism, repeated harassment, and mental health.

Back in November, I started getting rude, mean-spirited anons. It wasn't anything I was too bothered with because it didn't happen often and, honestly, my inbox gets flooded for a week or so anytime I post about certain topics. I blocked, deleted, reported and moved on thinking whoever it was would get bored and leave.

However, what started as a few rude anons calling me a bitch or stupid turned into a lot of anons being vile and racist which only worsened over the next few months.

I spoke about it in this post (link) near the end of November. In that post, I mentioned that those were the nicer asks and that was not an exaggeration. I have gotten my fair share of shitty anons as seen here (link) when I had to take a break from my blog because of said anons, but I have never gotten the amount of vitriol that I saw in these asks.

When I turned anon off, I started getting even worse messages from empty blogs that would either be blocked or deactivate within a week. When I turned my askbox off, I started getting hateful DMs. When I turned DMs off, it jumped from Tumblr to my other social medias which I had to private, completely avoid, or outright delete.

I got messages attacking my writing, calling me slurs, threatening to find me and rape or kill me, sending me explicit porn and rape videos while insulting my sexuality, and going into gross detail about how much people I interacted with hated me or how I would never be as good as them. I tried to power through it, pretending everything was fine while I pulled away from this blog, from writing, from friends that I loved and talked to every day. Everything about this blog, the fandoms I enjoyed, the people I talked to, made me so anxious because of these constant messages.

I took several breaks while dealing with this in therapy, repeatedly trying to come back and get comfortable on this blog, but within a few days of coming back the messages would start up again, either here or on any of my social medias I tried to unprivate, and I couldn't deal with it.

Only in the last week or two has it started to slow down and stop on a few of my other socials, which is the only reason I even feel comfortable making this post. However, in regards to this blog and my feelings toward it, the damage is done.

I don't think I can ever truly convey how isolating this has been. So many of these messages were about how I've spoken about my struggles as a black woman in fandom, how much of a burden it puts on the people who interact with me, how inferior I am to them and that I am everything that's wrong with fandom.

I felt scared and anxious to talk to anyone about this, especially people mentioned in those messages, out of fear that this harassment would jump to them. There are friendships that I stepped away from that I will never get back because of that. There are friends that I've felt like I was betraying by never telling them about what was happening because I felt too ashamed about letting this get to me.

I constantly worried that making a post like this would feel like, "Oh, Mothie's whining and trauma-dumping into the void about fandom racism again", that those messages would be right and it would force people to feel like they had to support me. Or worse, that people would agree and it would only make things worse. I've wrestled with so much guilt trying to decide to make this post and figure out what to do to make me trust myself again.

Ultimately, I don't think I was wrong for talking about my issues in fandom, and I don't think anything I've said has warranted this kind of harassment. I don’t know the who’s or why’s behind of this, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never really know. Truthfully, I'm not sure it even matters at this point. In the end, I think moving on from this blog entirely would be the best thing for me right now.

But, man, does it fucking suck.

This was the blog where I felt comfortable enough to start writing again, to start posting my fics. It's the blog where I met so many friends, got the courage to join new communities, found new hobbies, new music, new things to enjoy in life. It feels silly to say about a blog, but this was a place where I felt like I was able to carve out a space for myself. I put so much work into making it my own, and now the only thing I feel about it is anxious.

Hate messages and threats and racism have always been a part of fandom, and the internet as a whole. I’ve known since I started participating in fandom spaces that it was going to and continue to happen. I've known that I had to have a tough skin, especially if I ever spoke up about problems I faced because no one was going to have my back if I didn't have my own. I thought I had learned how to deal with it, and how to make a safe space for myself. But this goes beyond that. I did not deserve this. No one deserves this.

In some ways, it feels like admitting defeat, like I'm weak or hypocritical for not being as strong as I pretended I was and leaving. In other ways, it feels freeing to start over, and I'm choosing to view look at this optimistically even if it bittersweet. I don't want to let this scare me away from writing or from speaking about things that are important to me. All I can do now is say I'm so incredibly sorry to those I've hurt by stepping away or keeping this secret, and make sure I'm able to at least leave this blog on as happy a note as I can have.

#moth talks #tw: rape #tw: racism #tw: mental health #tw: misogyny #tw: harassment #tw: death threats

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phatburd · 5 months

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Chiaroscuro (6972 words) by whisper_that_dares

Chapters: 2/2 Fandom: Napoleonic Era RPF, Historical RPF, 19th Century CE RPF

Rating: E Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Joachim Murat/Jean-Baptiste Bessières Characters: Jean-Baptiste Bessières, Joachim Murat, Caroline Bonaparte, Géraud Duroc, Jean Lannes, Napoleon I de France | Napoleon Bonaparte (mentioned) Additional Tags: Angry Sex, Period Typical Attitudes, Polyamory Negotiations, Jealousy, Angst, Heartbreak, Historical Figures, Hopeful Ending, Bessimu, Podfic Welcome

Summary:

France, December 1799. Joachim Murat and Caroline Bonaparte are due to be married in a month, and absolutely everyone can see that they're in love with one another.

Jean-Baptiste Bessières sees it too. In public, he's been Murat's adoring and supportive friend. In private, as Murat's longtime lover, he's unraveling.

#Napoleonic era rpf #my writing #Napoleonic era #napoleonic fanfic #napoleon's marshals #joachim murat #jean baptiste bessières #posting the completed fic into its own post #since my initial post got shadowbanned #thanks for reading #i hope that the ending is ok #my writer brain said to wrap up as much of the dangling plot threads as possible while introducing possible future ones #so i did #oh my god I need a break #thank you for reading #ilu 🥰#thank you to everyone whom i also thanked in my first post on this #Bessimu #ao3

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sttoru · 10 months

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ima tell u this now : if u hate on x reader fics, block me cus by doing that you r doing us both a great favour 🤚🏽 ion need any of ur negativity on my blog because this is a safe space for people who do enjoy x reader fics goodbye

#𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆.#im gonna vent a bit in tags so ignore #bcs ive seen like two hate posts on x reader w a lot of interaction #and ima say this #leave ppl alone … maybe.. idk? like to each their own #its not that hard to block people if you don’t like their content #i swear we x reader writers wont even mind or notice if u do #we’d be so glad if u just block us completely #like god bless u for taking out the negativity (you) from our blog #i might not like oc fics but do u see me hating on them?? no bcs i just scroll past them #sometimes i even read them bcs thers no harm in trying out different things #and some of them are rlly good !!!#but ay just leave ppl be and stop acting stupid n pathetic 😟…#ofc everyone should tag their posts accordingly #i do too #but can u blame ppl for enjoying what they read?#ik some of u dislike it bcs reader is most likely written as a petite white female #but the x reader fics im reading dont have such descriptions added at all #yall just looking at the wrong stuff #but maybe its bcs i follow mainly poc / black writers 🤷🏽‍♀️#anyway i love when i can insert myself in fics and feel appreciated idk abt yall #but hating on ppls enjoyments is a bit.. childish #i thought we left that behind #and grew up #but okk!! do what u gotta do ig #main point: block x reader tags + the writers you come across #u r doing both of us a HUGE favour 😋 !#tw discourse #tw vent #cw vent

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infizero · 9 months

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every time i so much as think about that scene where light looks at porn magazines while scowling i go into hysterics its genuinely the funniest thing i've ever seen

#the funniest thing is is that i truly believe he thought he was being 100% convincing. that that's normal behavior for a completely straight #completely allosexual man #light is fucking awful and i hate him but also there's nuance to him. and sometimes i can get a little like. oh thinking about his life #before the series. specifically factoring in my headcanons about him being gay aroace and autistic and stuff. ppl have written some rlly #good fics surrounding those topics.... but yeah thats not even canon stuff but i dont care #anyways its not in a way of making excuses for how he is i just think it adds more to his character #hes total garbage but i think theres really interesting stuff with him when it comes to how he's.... VERY disconnected from others #just in general. he's like aware of how to act ''normal'' on like the most textbook surface level without being like. Aware enough to #be able to make it more convincing. and as ridiculous as it is i do see some of myself in him in that sense #also that person who said light and L is just autistic guy who's been masking his entire life vs autistic guy who's never masked in his #entire life. LITERALLY EXACTLY. genuinely perfect way to describe them they are both so similar when it comes to this #but the ways they go about it are very different. light has been playing the part of the perfect son his whole life. L doesnt try to change #himself for anyone and doesnt care when people think hes weird. both of them arent very socially aware and havent had any real friends #their whole lives. its such a fascinating parallel between them #i could go on a whole fucking thing about how light was pretending to be someone he's not around his family and at school and everything #long before he got the death note BUT. i wont. at least not right now #jesus christ how did i go from laughing about him with the magazine to this. my bad #derailed my own damn post. idk swagever #will say rq tho. watched a vid on youtube that pointed out how light expected his family to think nothing of the fact that he's gone to #such drastic measures to hide his diary when making the plan with hiding the death note which is like #that level of dedication would NOT be normal. so the fact that light expects his family to think nothing of it......#i mean you could read that as light just once again being socially unaware. but it could also imply that light's family kind of Knows #he's hiding something and just doesn't address it. (he's gay. im talking about him being gay)#the video also referenced this comic that i didnt rb cause the actual premise of it (lawlight wedding) is um.#not at all my kind of thing. BUT it was light describing himself as a house with a basement when his family sees him as a one story house #and i thought that was such a cool analogy #ANYWAYYYSSSS i need to go to bed. thanks if you read my ramblings #serena.txt #death note posting

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snickerdoodlles · 1 month

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there's a point at which someone's fear of being a dick wraps back around to them just being a dick anyways

#im side-eyeing those who reblogged my post on ethnocentrism and missed the point #but im also thinking about the tags i saw on being too scared to comment on fic #the first is being ~too scared~ to write cultures other than their own #(1. my point was people should be learning *as they watch the show* not just when they write #2. i just. jfC. stop saying youre too scared to *try* to write from another culture/POV different from your own as tho its a *good* thing)#the second is just annoying/frustrating because being too scared to participate in community is how community's die #i dont want to be dismissive of cancel culture because i do know the stories and there is always indv cases of a person ready to be a dick #but like. its just *not* a thing most people have to be worried about. very likely you're just not big enough to have that concern.#anxiety's no joke but like. u dont just accept the anxiety as the excuse. you have to challenge it. i've been there but u cant feed it.#and i dont want to sound dismissive of that anxiety but im really frustrated with seeing people throw that excuse around #without considering how their fear-based attitudes/actions come off in turn #such as not showing fandom creatives any appreciation for fear of saying the ~wrong~ thing #which comes off as creatives' stuff seeming to be ignored completely or otherwise very discouraging silence #when the only rule for tags/comments is to treat others the way you wish to be treated and apologize if you accidentally tread a toe #and being more worried about accidentally stepping on a theoretical persons toe than interested in showing actual people gratitude #like? pretty sure im not the only one side-eyeing that like ''have u really considered this feeling/logic????''#again: its not saying that anxiety isnt a dick or easy to dismiss but i am saying maybe challenge it or at least reflect on it #i just #blahh #the commenting thing is way more mild than the other but tags arent for that conversation and i need a much better brain space for that one

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kaesficrecarchive · 9 months

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[johnny x taeyong]

The Spell That Binds by taeyongseo (35/35 | 201,775 | E)

It was not that Johnny and his friends had a penchant for getting into trouble. It was just that letting the Gryffindors win was not an option. And then there was Taeyong, top-of-the-class Taeyong, who always seemed to be around to watch them all with a disapproving frown. Getting a rise out of the Ravenclaw prefect was half the fun, really.

part 1 of Tales of the Tablespoon Universe

#guess what i just reread #if anyone sees this and has a doc with all the little ficlets set in this universe that carly and anons wrote in her cc pls send me the lin #johnyong #johnny x taeyong #johnyong fic rec #nct 127 #multi chap #completed #t: hogwarts au #t: worldbuilding #wc: 200k+#c: kpop #rpf #rating: e #tstb deserves its own post!!!!!#kae's favs #so sad she deactivated before posting the dojae sequel <///3

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lesbiradshaw · 1 year

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the cycle of madness that’s born from the reader’s preference to not start fics that aren’t marked finished and the author’s urge to delete the entire work if it doesn’t get any attention as it’s being uploaded.

#like i get it. but it also makes me want to [CLOSED].#i understand readers dont wanna be blue balled bc a good fic that never ends up finishing but like if youre getting little to no feedback #or love as you’re posting it really dampens the urge to write more or continue posting #even when i write my works out completely before beginning to post (which is most timee) i get . so much anxiety #actually post posting anxiety in general makes me feel a little crazy but thats an issue on its own #anyways. there is no solution i suppose. just one of those things.#carolcore

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milesdadworth · 2 years

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feeling sooooooo normal thinking about phoenix and franziska’s weird-ass relationship i love them so much

#AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH DESPITE NEVER ADMITTING IT TO ANYONE #(PLATONICALLY BEFORE ANYONE GETS IT TWISTED)#i wrote a whole post about them but i would like to put more brain power into it before i post #i just love them so much #they're both so weird in their own ways and they show their love in such insane ways #everyone talks abt miles and maya #and how amazing their relationship is #but we hAVE GOT to start talking abt franz and nick more #they have a completely different relationship but its sTILL #SO GOOD #anway #i'm going to bed now #or i'm gonna go look at fic snippets where these two interact lmfao

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shadow-and-purgatory · 2 years

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Overall thoughts on episode 4 of rings of power: bad. Lazy writing, but that’s nothing new. It wasn’t even all that funny. Exceedingly bland in every regard. Nothing felt like it mattered, even though it clearly was supposed to. A bunch of things happened, but none of it felt earned.

Galadriel got thrown in a cell, but she got out almost immediately, so who cares. Theo used a morgul blade and then had to hide from orcs, but the scene lacked tension, and left me wondering how he knew how to use the blade to begin with. Isildur got himself and his buddies dismissed, and his friends are clearly upset with him about it, but we never see any consequences for it. Miriel is accompanying Galadriel back to middle earth to help fight Sauron, but her changing her mind feels like it came out of nowhere, and unearned. Durin is angry with his father, but it gets resolved in a single scene and there was no prior set up. There’s a new romantic subplot on the horizon, but I care about the characters involved so little that I can’t even be bothered to look their names up. Mithril is introduced, but the vein is immediately shut off. There’s a prophecy that numenor is going to fall, but I have no reason to be concerned about that, because basically all of the numenorians we’ve met suck, and I feel no attachment to them.

Ill give an example that’s sort of a microcosm of the whole episode. Theres a group of dwarves secretly mining for mithril when part of the tunnel collapses. Durin rushes into the collapsing tunnel, saying that there are four dwarves inside. Cut away. Later, we’re with elrond and disa, and they’re both worried. Durin comes back, saying that he pulled the last one out and they’re all alive. all of them surviving is clearly supposed to relieve the audience, but instead the beat rings hollow, because it doesn’t matter. we don’t know those dwarves. They haven’t been shown or named. And that isn’t even necessarily a terrible thing in and of itself. If this were a GOOD show, where things that happen mattered, this could have actually worked really well.

We don’t know these dwarves, but we do know Prince Durin, who DOES know them. If they had Durin rush in to save these dwarves, it would show us that he cares about them, and therefore that WE should care by extension. It would establish that Durin is a good leader who doesn’t abandon his fellows, that he cares about other dwarves, that he’s loyal. If they showed us Durin desperately digging through the rubble to reach them, it hammers in that Durin put these dwarves at risk, it’s his fault they’re in danger, and that now he’s trying to save them because he cares. Then, even though the audience still doesn’t know who these dwarves are, the outcome of this scene matters to us because we see that it matters to the characters. The relief when durin returns and informs us that they’re all alive would feel earned, and if they ARENT all alive, wed feel at least a little sad.

But that’s not what happens, and that’s like. The most infuriating part of all of this. I can SEE the potential in this scene, and none of it is realized. It wouldn’t have even been that hard to do! But we don’t see prince durin desperately trying to dig them up, he just… says that he got the last one out and they’re all alive. The show doesn’t show us that durin cares about these dwarves, so I don’t care either.

I don’t care very succinctly sums up how I felt about this whole episode. Nothing that happened in it made me feel anything. Honestly, it’s how I feel abt the show as a whole, but this episode was particularly guilty of it. There was a palantir and my only response was “neat. :|” And I KNOW that’s almost certainly wasn’t the intended reaction!! They probably wanted it to be a dramatic ✨reveal✨ moment! But it’s not, and I KNOW what a palantir is! I KNOW it’s a powerful, dangerous magic item, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly! I could tell I was supposed to be awed, but instead I was bored. This episode was boring. Every conflict felt completely meaningless, even though I could tell that things were SUPPOSED to be important. I know I’m supposed to care about these characters succeeding or failing, but I just… don’t.

TLDR: nothing in Rings of Power seems to mean anything to the characters, and therefore none of it means anything to me.

#this was going to go at the end of my liveblog thread but it got long enough that I thought I should just make a separate post #anyways the show doesn’t even try and it definitely shows #it’s one of the worst adaptations I’ve ever seen but it’s a bad show on its own too #like. worse than the live action Percy Jackson movies #because at least lightning thief made an okay standalone movie if you had never consumed the books #but rings of power is just… absolutely abysmal #the dwarf scene really stuck out to me immediately #it was COMPLETELY unnecessary #what did it add #absolutely nothing at all. it should have just been cut at that point #i put more thought into my fic than this show did. i have a brainstorming doc for my crazed notes. & if a scene doesnt add anything I cut it #lotr #rings of power #florian watches rings of power #lotr trop #ramblimgs

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trashcatmonster · 1 year

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planning a fic rn and i am SO excited abt it actually

#chittering #idk if ill post it #im trying not to commit myself too it TOO much bc. i want it to be a long fic and #well i struggle completing long fics basically #BUT IM TRYING AND THATS SOMETHING #if i do post it it probably wont be until im half way through writing it and its got a planned out ending #just so i can make sure i can actually finish it before i get anyones hopes up Including my own lol

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imwritesometimes · 1 year

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god gives his biggest, honkin-est shoes [only caring abt old blorbos from, by today's standards, badly flawed media] to his silliest clowns [me 🤡]

#I went back and read some of my old fic for an *old* pairing and it is so fun! and I can tell like #I had so much fun writing them. they're actually quite good tbh like characterization is good dialogue fits plot is sturdy #and its like. it was so much fun! I enjoyed it! I would never write fic for the ship again cause of.... disc horse. that I caught wind of.#after I wrote the fics.#the blorbos I have been feral over the last couple weeks... like I enjoy them. immensely. but.#I think I overshot the scope of what I could actually do and the lingering omg don't ever actually post this cause disc horse #got way into my brain and killed my joy for it #then the like only current still airing media I had a ship for decided to cast aside one blorbo entirely #like a doll left in a sandbox at the park just... completely forgotten. so that's 🤷‍♀️#like I get that there's always fan works but. unpopular opinion. I don't like to entirely rely on just fic #I want the fic to be established off *something* and if they just toss blorbo out the window on the freeway #there's nothing anyone can do abt it #so here I sit. blorbo bermuda triangle. can't work on my wip. don't want to work on anything else.#back is out. again. my fckn nerve damage bro is so bad. gotta loe around all weekend and not do fuck all nothing #makes me CRAZY ok I get way too far into my own brain.#erin explains it all

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thatsgonnaleaveamark · 2 years

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whumptober 2022 - day 24 ↳ "i don't want to do this anymore"

(other snippets of this oc/story in no particular order: x x x)

“I dreamt you were alive,” he mumbles as he stares at the poorly carved inscription of a date and name on an old piece of wood that had once been part of a picket fence, faded and flaky white paint a reminder of how long it’s been since the world was a completely different place. How long it’s been since everything changed. He pictures a happy family painting the fence around the house they’d just moved into, laughing, clothes covered in white stains. He tries to remember how it was before. Now it all feels like a distant dream.

“I guess there’s one thing that turned for the better.” “Oh yeah? What’s that?” “The stars.” Tomas grins and looks to the side. “They’re so bright now. I’d always wanted to see them like this. Wish it’d been under different circumstances though.” “Yeah no kidding. You know, I’ve always been fond of this one right there, ” he points up at the constellation. “Orion.”

Tomas purses his lips in thought. “Orion, huh? I like that name.” He pauses. “Fits you.” “You think? Suppose I’m due for a name change then.” Tomas laughs. “I will genuinely start calling you that if you want.” “It’s already growing on me.” Orion smiles and looks over to his friend, then back at the dark night sky.

He hadn't even been serious about it at the time. It was supposed to be a fun nickname between the two of them. But with everything that happened - he can hardly bear to think about it, what it was like before, who he was before. He’s sitting on the dry grass, cross-legged, shivering from the cool morning breeze. In just a couple of hours he’d need to be back to avoid the deadly heat of the suns that have just begun to rise, painting the world in an orange light. He feels tears falling from his eyes but doesn’t care to wipe them off.

“What a cruel place this world has turned into,” Tomas says, smiling sadly. They’re both kneeling on the ground, hands tied behind their backs, guns trained to their heads.

“It’s okay. We knew this day would come,” he continues and turns to look at Orion. There is no fear in his eyes, just acceptance of his inevitable fate. His next words would be his last. “Keep surviving. You have to.” He turns back and locks eyes with the bandit, gives a slight nod and then he’s on the ground, blood pooling around his head.

Orion softly runs a hand across the carved letters.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, ” he whispers, barely audible. “I’m so tired. I don’t know if I can go on. Everything feels out of reach. I wish you were still here.“

He closes his eyes, hand still on the piece of wood half-stuck in the ground, and stays there until he has only a few minutes left to find shelter from the heat. For a second he considers just waiting it all out. But even though the thought is tempting in the moment, he sighs and gets up, takes one last look at the inscription and then turns around, leaving the memory behind for the time being.

#whumptober2022 #no.24 #i dont want to do this anymore #oc #fic #death tw #writing #my writing #my ocs #orion #he has a name! i like it i think it fits #i know his /real/ name too but i dont think thats ever gonna be relevant cause hes left that life behind #mayyybe in another flashback idk #anyway im still very much practising getting my writing to be more visual and descriptive and using better words sometimes #i need to try and read more again to get more immersed in the english language i think #doesnt help that the language i speak and hear 90% of the time is swiss german lmao #still writing this lowkey made me tear up cause yeah death is sad and its been a while but hes still griefing #and hes pretty much been completely on his own since then #after spending several years together in a pretty intense survival situation so yeah #fun fact the /i dreamt you were alive/ first sentence is from the febuwhump prompts since i was planning to post it then #man tumblr formatting sucks i dont like the way the paragraphs look

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coridallasmultipass · 8 days

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Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

#dont read if u think im cool #id rather stay cool lol #long post #delete later / /#(in case i change my mind or wanna edit)#Cori.exe #Post.exe #man i talk a lot #shouldve spent this time writing fics instead but i rly needed to talk (type) this out since i dont wanna bring it up in therapy again yet #anyway lmao there we go #rly excited for the fic tho. besides the stuff i mentioned i also took this popular trope and #wait #why am i spoiling it im not gonna convince anyone who read this post lol youll just have to wait for the hot platonic smmmmmut #and hilarious storytelling by one char #and then (still a wip) round 2 #bc no fic is complete until theres a round 2. imo.#((yes i know i have a different round 2 thats over a month late past when i was gonna post it lol i havent forgotten))#here we go writing an essay in the tags now too lmao #ok i need a break for my eyes and then im gonna try to write the platonic one more #hhhh anxious tht my reputation will tank from posting this. idk how i or my 2 followers will survive th consequent backlash and cancellation #(joke)#(still anxious tho)#(i have diagnosed chronic anxiety lol)#eager to know what id be cancelled from tho. maybe my puppetfuckinglicense gets revoked.#maybe my shrimp get taken into protective custody #shrustody #sorry i dont mean to make light of legit cancellations im just trying to convince myself its okay to post on my own blog #good fucking luck catching all those shrimp tho i dont even know how many i have. they control their own population at this point.#they probably have their own system of... shrovernment #Prime Shrimpister Isosceles rules with an iron swimerette i wouldnt wanna interfere with that sovereign nation

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