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dowhatisaynotwhatido · 1 year

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2. LA - Oh! THAT Lizzie...

Paring: bottom!Elizabeth Olsen x topMommy!Reader

Description: You figured out who she is. How do you explain to your celebrity crush that you follow her smut and dirty fandom?

Warnings: smut, teasing, mention strap and cockwarming, mommy kink, fingering (lizzie receiving), oral (lizzie receiving), casual.

Attention demi: casual sex – both of them are in their 30’s, just met, no emotional connection developed yet, not sure if there will be one.. Hm..Need to think about that..🤔

Word count: ~3,5K

This is part of the LA series: Part 1 | Part 2(this)| Part 3 | Part 4

Credits: This fic directly cites the blog and works of themidnightcrimson. A shout out to her writing skills and damn good fics. The links to her work will be on the fic itself, but also here

- themidnightcrimson blog | masterlist | innocence (+18) | mommy (+18) | strapwarming (+18)

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"Yes. I did, Ms. Olsen. " You took a step back and sat in your bench with an embarrassed grin."And you owe me a rose wine."

......

"Don't get weird with me, please. We were having so much fun. " She cooed reaching and grabing your hand in hers.

"I am not. Is just...." You laughed at yourself. You read a very dirty fic about here just a day before all this: how was this happening?

"What is going on with that face, then?" She raised a brow grinning "Are you blushing, Y/N?" She teased. You tried to hide your face and laugh it off, but she grabbed you by the waist and turned you towards her "Tell me." She whined

"It is just silly, forget about it." You shrugged "I am just a Marvel fan." You lied.

"You wouldn't be blushing just because you are a Marvel fan, Y/N." She fake pouted and dove eye you "Pretty please?"

Probably was the wine talking and your unlimited boldness coming straight from the tannin, but you softly blured out: "I read fic about you."

She smiled widely "You what? Speak louder, Y/N.."

"Shit.. Ok. I kind of read a fic about you recently, ok? You....” You stalled until she motioned for you to keep going. “ You have a fandom on Tumblr... a very active fandom." You whispered

"Oh, that? I know about it" She chuckled "But I thought you were a lesbian" She looked at you genuinely confused.

Her producer had told her about her MLW fandom and it's contents, but she didn’t imagine she had also a WLW one. You looked at her with a raised brow and a condescending smile

"Oh, I definitely am.” You smirked “ You have a wlw fandom, darling" you mumbled

"Oh!" She startled" I didn’t know that... And what kind of fanfic are we talking about, hmm?" She smiled and pushed you teasingly by your arm "Do you read comfort and romantic stories about me before sleep, is it?" She joked

Your eyes darkened as you stared at her trying to decide if you where going to be honest about it or just ignore the subject.

"They do have fluff. But is not what I normally read." You said mysteriously rounding the kitchen island towards the stove

" I am starving, can I make us some pasta?" Trying to busy yourself with something else and change the subject. She made abluntly clear that you should make yourself at home, so why not?

"Show me" She asked with a small smile

"The pasta?" You said innocently while searching for some ingredients and pans through her cabinets. She rolled her eyes

"The fics, Y/N. I am curious..." She sighed as you ignored her still opening cabinets "Pan is in the bottom one. Oil and garlic on the left."

She got up and poured both of you another glass of wine. As she went towards you to give you your glass, she touched your forearm making you turn to her. Her gaze was full of mischief and she had a playful tone "Please show me. I have the right to know what people talk to me all over the internet..." She pouted

"Lizzie…" You blushed at the thought of showing her all the fics and kinks you had liked and reblogged in the last few weeks

"I already know is some kind of porn, Y/N. Just show me" she said harshly and corrected herself "Please " you laughed at her mini outburst.

"OK. But first, is your turn not to get weird out." You warned "Go grab your laptop, you can read while I cook"

A few moments after, the pasta was boiling as you towered behind Lizzie reaching the notebook and logged in your account. "Before you go stalking things. Let us start slow, ok?" You say slapping her hand away from the mouse. "This is one of my favorites writers. She is.. uhm.. very graphic with her language, let's put it like that."

You blushed slightly opening themidnightcrimson smut fics lists "This is about Wanda.. And this about you" You clicked on Innocence trying to easy her into it.

"Oh, my eyes look good in that picture" She squinted at the screen trying to get a better view

"Uhum" you nodded dryly

"Don't you agree?" She asked looking back at you with her brow furrowed

"All of you look good in that, Elizabeth" you rasped out shyly completely embarrassed" just read it. Tell me if you have any questions about.. uhm.. lesbian logistics? I don't know" you shrugged and got back to drain the pasta as an excuse to control your blushing.

While you busied yourself finishing dinner, you spared glances at her: she was concentrated, wearing her reading glasses and resting her chin up with her right hand. Of course, the picture of perfect. She held a small smile and and amusement expression, sometimes clearing her throat and taking a few deep breaths. You even considered that she was getting a little worked up with it, and now you couldn't wait to show her some more advanced ones and play.

"Did you like it?" You asked when she took of her glasses.

"I have questions." She took a sip at her wine "A few." She chuckled

"First... How does she know I have a yellow couch?" She pretended to be weird out about it and both of you laughed. " Secondly, is my finger really that interesting?" She said looking at her hands, making small movements with a mock pensive face.

You laughed and threw a cooked pasta at her as she dodged "Getting cocky, are we?" You smirked "Let's see what you think of these one"

A few fics after, dinner had come and gone, and you were taking out the plates while she kept scrolling throught the author's page.

"Have you ever done this one?" She asked showing you a fic titled "Strapwarming" .

You left the dishes on the sink and went to her, hovering behind her as she pointed to a page on her laptop.

You started to throb just thinking about that day, that fic, and the fact that Elizabeth Olsen had slightly leaned backwards touching her back at your breast didn't make any easier for you to hold down a soft whimper.

"I did, yes." You disguised with a cough

"And?" She looked up at you, her lips dangerously close to yours "Can you explain me? I don't understand"

" You don't understand that means a dildo inside of you?" You raised an eyebrow sarcastically

"No, silly! I understand the concept. I don't understand the appeal." She said turning her gaze back to the computer "It doesn't seem like the reader is enjoying herself..."

You took a deep breath trying to decide how much to push her. You were both a bottle in, not drunk or tipsy, but your inhibition definitely wasn't in perfect state

"Are you sure you want to know, Ms. Olsen?"

" Please, Y/N. Lizzie. Tell me. I feel like I have been under a rock and this 'imaginary me' got all the fun while I was gone" She chuckled, the vibration of her chest stimulating every part of you that was in high alert. This woman was inebrianting and you wanted to play.

"It is about the obvious being stretched out pleasure, but also about the power dynamics." You said pulling her closer to you by her waist.

Your mouth so close to her ear, that she could sense your breath before your voice became clear to her "The thing is that I, hypothetically, of course, can open your legs.." your hand traveled to her thighs spreading them earning a small gasp from her "and push my cock into you slowly and deep...." your hands traveled upwards in her inner thigh, so close to her core that you could sense the heat irradiating from her - just to push her legs close again. "...And tell you to warm it up for me."

Still behind her, you placed your hands to either side of her hips, harshly rotating it in a way where her ass was up and her core hit the cushion of her seat directly.

" You can't touch it. You can't let it fall off. You can't grind. You can't clench around it. You can't even think about it without my consent" You move her hips front to back rhythmically grinding her on the chair "can you imagine you being all filled up with my cock, how good this would feel, baby?"

"Yes." She whispered with her eyes shut close.

Although you acknowledged how receptive of your advances she was being, you dropped your hands and left her. You went towards the sink again, noticing the shiver that ran through her without your front warming her back. You opened the faucet and restarted hand washing the dishes like it isn't a big deal. In reality you could barely think straight of how much you wanted her right there.

"And then what? I just stay here?" She huffed showing a bit of frustration

"Hypothetically, I might leave you like that for a whole day. Or just while I do the dishes. Or do the groceries. Or while I watch you squirm." You smirked "Are you imagining it inside of you now?"

"Yes" She gulped

"Cross your legs for me, sweetheart" you cooed. She did as ordered and you could see the spark of pleasure as she pressed her thighs together to get some sort of relief.

"That is enough of that, baby" You said

"But that is just frustrating, Y/N!" She whimpered

"Just read it through, tell me if you have any questions" you said calmly and end the discussion.

After a few minutes

"What about this mommy thing? Is a little..."

"A little..." You went back to the kitchen island, resting your elbows on the countertop as leaning forward behind her laptop"

"I don't know" She bit her lip pensively

"Well, be honest with yourself. You don't have a reason to lie." You stood and round the table until you were behind her again. "Are you going to deny that you liked reading this? That it made you all hot and bothered?"

"Well, I had some wine and..."

"Don't do this, baby. Just be honest." You inhaled her scent as she closed her eyes to the sensation of you so close. She smelled fresh, orangy, sunny. You couldn't quite put your finger on it "We both know how horny you are right now. Aren't you? Tell me you can't feel your clit throbing..."

"I...." she gulped again leaning into your embrace

"Here. Read this one for me, will you? I will choose another wine for us, baby" You said nipping the soft skin on her neck and loving the way she catched her breath. You had pointed her to the Mommy fic.

As you were choosing between the several bottles on her wine rack, you noticed she began to grind slightly against the cushion and smirked.

"I can see you, baby. Don't grind. Be a good girl for mommy, will you?" You could see her tensing up on the term. But there was no turning back now "what is the problem, baby?" You grinned "Don't you like to play 'make-believe' with mommy?" You stared at her with a condescending smirk and waited.

Lizzie thoughts ran through her head at lighting speed. She was troubled by the same sex attention, by how you called yourself mommy. And worst, she was extremely confused about why did that made her so damn wet and needy. Is not like she was a sweet angels before tonight - she had her fun and her experiences, but she couldn't remember the last time she felt that throbing so intense.

"Yes" She whispered

"Yes what, sweetie? Use your words" you cooed. You wanted her to break that barrier that she was holding so weakly at.

"Yes, mommy" hearing her say that shoot a wave of pleasure throughout your whole body. It was all you could do not to drag her into the bedroom in that instant and fuck her brainless. Instead you smiled softly

"Good girl. This is right I am the one who knows that is good for you, isn't I? You poor baby can't choose for yourself, can you?" You pouted "You can grind for a bit, baby. But don't you come without my permission, ok?"

"Thank you. You are so good to me, mommy" she said downing her gaze back to the fic as she moved her hip rhythmically

"Anything for you, pretty girl" her cheeks blushed at the praise "As you are doing so good for mommy, kitten. I will let you make one more question, ok?" You cooed pouring some wine for both of you.

You noticed she stopped her movements suddenly and nodded slightly as getting off a trance.

"I don't get it" She pressed her hands in her face "How can you do this, Y/N? Why I am feeling this? I am straight, God be damned!" She said to you with a suprised but soft tone. Shit, you thought the barrier was already over with, but maybe you pressed too much.

"Lizzie.. Why does it matter? You are feeling good, aren't you? You are enjoying yourself?"

"Maybe. But.." she runs a hand through her hair " I am older than you... That makes no sense."

"That is why it is a fantasy.. It doesn't need to be logical, Lizzie. Don't be so hard and judgemental. Just enjoy it." you said taking her hands in yours "Why does it matter?"

"I don't know.." She said softly

"Do you want me to leave?" You asked softly

"No!" She answered a little more eager than she intended and that brought a smile to your face

"Than trust me, it doesn't matter" you said grabbing her chin to meet her gaze "Do you trust me, baby?"

"Yes, mommy" she acknowledged making you smile at her easy subduence. It was easier than you thought.

"So come, you have earned a reward, kitten" you smiled and guided her to the couch.

You sat down and placed her onto your lap straddling you. She swiftly obeyed, resting her hands you your shoulder and looking down on you.

"Do you want to kiss me, darling?"

"Yes, mommy, so much"

"Do you want me to touch you?" You asked bulking your hip upwards against her clit. She let out a whimpe "use your mouth for me, babygirl"

"Yes, mommy. Touch me" she whimps

You placed your hand behind her neck and guided her mouth down to yours. The second your lips touched both of your let out a moan, you taking advantage to quickly press your tongue into her mouth. She tasted heavenly, her glossy lips so sweet and tender that you almost felt sorry for bitting it down earning a gasp.

You let her deepen the kiss and guided her hip to grind on your lap, earning a soft moan. Lizzie was ranking her hands down your chest yanking at your shirt patientless

"Off, mommy. I want to touch you" You smirked proud of how she asked you

"Just because you asked so nicely, baby" You raised your arms letting her take your top off and eagerly lap on your neck with kisses and bites. Your own hands found her skin beneath her blouse, blindly undoing her bra.

"Strip for me, love" She got up on her feet and striped down to her panties. She was beautiful. She was covered with small brown spots, making a map on her soft skin. Her waist had the exact shape to support your hand and you were sure it was made specifically for you.

"So pretty for mommy, aren't you? Let me help you" you reached out and toyed with her waistband. Her eyes darkened with you touching her so close of where she wanted you and she bit her lip while moving her hip against your hand

"Oh, no, little one" you denied pulling her waistband and letting go with a loud snap against her skin "Don't rush me. Let mommy see you." You leant forward kissing her spots across her belly and thigh "do you know how long I have been wanting this?" You bit her inner thigh when she didn't answer you and she moaned softly

"No, mommy" You smiled against her skin and hovered right above her clit over her panties.

"Do you know how many times mommy touched herself thinking about fucking you, baby?" She moaned when you open mouthed kissed her over the damp fabric of her underwear. She tasted as good as you thought she would

"So fuck me, mommy." She said grabbing your hair and pulling you against her "Please, mommy. I need you"

"I told you not to rush me" You bit her clit slightly making her retract slightly and gasp "Don't ruin this for me, sweetie" you smirked as you noticed her dripping core staining her panties. You where seated the couch and she was standing between your legs. You took of he panties letting it fall on the ground as you took her right leg and placed her foot on the couch, opening her up.

The sight of her was enough to almost drive you out of control. Her glistening cunt was dripping making a mess all over her. You ran your tongue thru her folds earning a loud moan as she pressed her hip against your face. You steadied her hip with both of your hands while you slowly took her clit on your mouth sucking it. As you circled and flicked your tongue with increasing pressure, Lizzie kept whiping and moaning while pulling herself against you and holding your hair.

"Fuck ...me" she asked breathlessly

You sucked harshly at her clit and looked up at her "Mommy gave you better manners than that, kitten"

"Sorry, mommy. Inside, please. I need you inside"

"Do you want mommy's finger inside, baby?" You cooed looking straight into her eyes while teasing her entrance. She was breathing heavily, her hair a mess and you could see her bottom lip puffed from how much she was bitting into it trying to stiffle her moans. She nodded vigorously "yes mo--- Oooh" She moaned loudly as you plunged two fingers deep inside of her without warning. The sting of pain made her stop bulking, and you began to lap your tongue greedily into her, collecting all the wetness that came out. Soon she was moving against you fingers and you started to thrust in and out of her with increasing rhythm.

Her bulking started to lose rhythm and force and her walls clenched around your fingers. She was close.

"Mommy, can I come? Please"

"Yes, baby. Cum for mommy"

She came with a silent moan, closing her thigh against your head while you licked every drop that came out and steady your fingers deep inside of her until her legs trembled unable to stand.

"Mommy got you, babygirl" you said softly guiding her to straddle you again, keeping you fingers inside her and letting her rest her head in your shoulder.

"You were so good for mommy, pretty girl" you cooed giving her a small kiss on her neck.

She was still breathing hard when you started to thrust slowly inside of her and she stopped you holding your wrist

"It hurts, mommy". She whined

" I know it does, baby. But let mommy use your pretty hole, ok? You have been so good to me, don't act out now" you cooed taking her hand off your wrist

"No mommy, is too sensitive" she said biting down on your shoulder

"Trust me, baby. You are going to feel so good." you flicked your thumb over her swollen clit earning a gasp "Give me one more, ok?" You increased the speed of your thrusts as her soft moans became more frequent. You inserted the third finger

"Mommy" she moaned riding you

"That is it, baby. Ride mommy's fingers" you guided her hips downwards at each drive, meeting her halfway with your fingers hitting deep Inside of her. In and out, everytime you took out you coiled your fingers reaching her spongy point over and over again. The sloshing sounds and her ungodly moans were all you could hear.

It didn't take long until she was coming all over you lap.

Next day on Part 3.

#lizzie x y/n #elizabeth olsen x female reader #lizzie olsen #elizabeth olsen x y/n #wanda smut #mommy wanda #mommy lizzie #elizabeth olsen x you

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emilykaldwen · 6 days

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The individuals harassing people are just offering softsoap apologies because a fire has been lit under their asses with the threat of legal action. Absolutely hollow. One of them posted it was about winning a fandom even as they regretted the means of achieving it. Winning what? It's a fandom. It's fanfiction. We should be having fun. It's just fiction and we are the fans. They're turning into the Hunger Games here. Absolute unbelievable behaviour from these kind of people. If it's true they were operating in other fandoms then safe to say they will do it again.

First off I love the term softsoap and now I need to add it to my lexicon.

Genuinely, I wish people in GENERAL would understand that there is the bullshit internet bullying and trolling, and then there’s actual cyberstalking and harassment. Should Ange move forward with legal rep (which I fully support), at best I can see them getting banned from tumblr (hey staff, how about getting to those harassment reports we’ve all been filing across the platform). At worst? I can’t speculate. But it won’t be fun, that much I know.

I hope what people learn from this is that actions SHOULD have consequences. We are all so ready to shout out to not stand silently when people are harassed in our every day lives, that should hold true here. It’s why I came out immediately after being contact about ‘why did you block me?’ With screenshots of the conversation that individual was twisting. I know why people don’t want to be part of the ‘drama’ because frankly, the behavior these people have shown is beyond anything normal. But I’m also completely disgusted by people going ‘I don’t want to pick sides’. I can only speak for myself: I did fucking nothing to anyone, but there’s a side when people are going around claiming I’m running a cult? Setting up hate blogs about me? I’ve never interacted with any of them, I’m literally some fucking random small blog they decided not to like because they happened to fit the toxic behavior profile I called out.

And that was nothing compared to what they’ve done to Ange.

Me at these assholes: that’s my purse I don’t know you!

I have had these people blocked long before I ever became friends with Ange or Em. 95% of the time it’s ‘your take crossed my dash and I didn’t like it’ or ‘wow you are tagging things that don’t belong in the tag’ or ‘wow you make me uncomfortable and I don’t want to see any more of this’

As everyone fucking does.

This is beyond ‘Hobbyless Behavior’. What does winning fandom even mean??? That you want to be the most well known asshole? Because honey lemme tell you, this is just one section of fandom. I have mutuals that have messaged me going ‘who the fuck are any of these people?’

I’m mostly just devastated for everyone whose first fandom experience is a bunch of narcissists intent on DARVOing their way through this (deny, argue, reverse victim and offender). I know one of them has been in the Outer Banks fandom. Would not be surprised if they had been in others.

#yeah i said what I said #I’m too old to interact with minors #and I would not be surprised if these people were lying about their ages #because grown fucking adults acting like this boggles #but then I’ve seen how grown women act on JustNoMil and all those bridezilla Reddit threads #so

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greaterspawnislands · 2 years

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(This is the separate ask I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts on how other stream sub groups operate differently it's just so fascinating to me)

YEAH!!! Also it's so very cute to me how supportive and patient he was with Kristen when she was first considering streaming <333

At first she just kinda popped into chat and on stream rarely and he never forced her to stay if she didn't. Over time she just got used to and wanted to interact with chat more! Until she started streaming herself and he's been 100% supportive the entire time. Literal A+ husband material you can tell how much he loves her and its so sweet,,,,

YEAH ok so about the kristin thing at first so recently i've been watching all of phil's s4 videos and i'm getting to the end of 2019 aka they're preparing for their wedding and phil's in the process of getting a visa and it's so :))

i currently have two kristin stream vods in my watch later (bc i've been busy) and im so excited to get to themm it's been awesome to see kristin get more confident in streaming bc she is so funny!! i really love tuning into her streams they are such nice spaces :) also i miss parents sdv i hope they play again

ANYWAYS ok so my ramblings about phil's community is just. hold on i need to put this under cut because the more i write out the more it feels like inane bullshit but whatever we're here now

i feel like out of all of the streamers who have grown their communities in the boom of 2020/dsmp era phil's has been the most interesting to me. obviously biased here bc this is my community but ok. I'm not going to say that phil's fanbase is "the best" because that's obviously a subjective take but i think part of what makes it stand out to me is that it skews significantly older than any of the other streamers fanbases. routinely, we've heard from donos that there are teachers or people with full jobs who are donating to phil's streams. now, obviously we've heard plenty from high school age and younger, but for the most part those people tend to be sbi fans, or crimeboys fans who also enjoy phil - totally valid, etc, but they're not who i'm talking about.

the people who main phil tend to be older, which shapes a pretty different community that has a much less active presence on places like twitter. Those who are on twitter tend to not have nearly as much of a drive for clout as other subtwts - obviously there are exceptions, there always are, im trying not to speak as a total generalization - but i can't think of too many c!phil mains with thousands upon thousands of followers compared to other subtwts. And i think that again mostly comes down to like . it's just an older fanbase so they don't care abt that stuff as much.

oh and also! early gang as a central hub for most people who main phil i think helps a lot because, similar to tumblr, no character limit directly correlates to like. more critical thinking being used and less automatic aggression towards other people in the way twitter pushes to the forefront of every interaction. so as a whole the community comes across as far more chill than other subtwts/etc bc they aren't using twitter as their primary hub of communication

but i also think phil has had a direct impact on how his fans act on twitter regardless of age. the example that immediately comes to mind is when uh. ok. so idk if u were on twitter at all circa late 2020-early 2021, but subtwt selfie days were Alllll the rage back then, there was basically one or multiple every single day of the month for various ccs and duos/groups/etc. and i remember when it started popping off, phil got asked about it on stream and he very seriously talked about how he wasn't comfortable having a selfie day tagged after him, because he didn't like the fact that so many people, many who were high school age/teenagers, were putting their face on the internet for literally anyone to look at. i think he was the only cc who really spoke out about the ramifications of having your face online like that, and i know for me it was the first time i took a step back and went "yeah wait this is kind of fucking weird". it obviously didn't stop the selfie days for any other ccs, or the sbi selfie day, but his fans listened, and there was no phil selfie day ever again, and i think it's that kind of communication between phil and his audience that sort of helped develop his community in that direction, being mindful of internet bullshit and all that jazz. it's that kind of way he looks out for fans and the like that makes me really appreciate him and his community all the more. i just really like telling that bit of his history bc it was important to me in that time

again i don't know if this makes . too much sense. i sort of just started rambling and didn't stop to think if i was making any real points. this is all just to say that i love early gang, love philza, loveposting hours are so real i love this old man

#speaking #philza #thebleedingeffect #ask

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em-writes-stuff-sometimes · 11 months

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Hey, lol. Responding to all of these in a group post because there were a few!

First of all, thank you all for the kindness. I appreciate it. I acknowledge I probably wasn't as nice to this person as I could've been; but I've spent longer on this project than I have for most of my academic or professional stuff - I spent about 2 weeks researching medieval childbirth ALONE - so I am super emotional and triggered when people think they have the right to make up such awful stuff. It isn't even the copying, at this point - it was the fact that, despite my efforts, this person proceeded to gaslight, lie to and outright slander me to others. The comments on their post named me an "immature brat", a "whore", an "attention-seeking bitch", among other really nasty things. Now, I'm pretty sure I called them a fuckwit, but like:

... Self-explanatory, methinks. I'm all for being insulted - in fact, degrade me daddy - but like:

"Immature brat" - bitch, I'm a 25 year old high school teacher, and I'm basically a grandpa going around muttering "these darn kids..." Nope.

"Whore" - literally never had sex. Never seen a real-life peen. Never touched a man. Nope. Zilch.

"Attention-seeking bitch" - the bitch part I can agree to, but I don't actually enjoy attention enough to start drama. Nope.

Thank you, @theladyspooks, for the lovely words. I'm a Daemon stannie all the way, lol! I'll read Aemond, but there needs to be more Daemon content. I was honestly expecting a wave of "you're a fucking bitch", etc. etc., but I'm surprised that people seem to think my stance is logical. For about 5 minutes I gaslit myself so hard into thinking that this wasn't a problem, but then I was encouraged to speak out on it by some of my fellow writers. I've had a couple people tell me I'm wrong, but they both seem to have ignored the Google doc I put together.

And nonnie, thank you for the lovely support - I too had been seeing their updates in the Daemon tag here and there, but work has been piling up and I'm just BARELY finding time to write, let alone do the whole Tumblr thing (I'm sitting on a shameful number of inbox messages to respond to, tempted to give @ewanmitchellcrumbs or @storyblackhold or @flowerpotmage access so they can secretary-ise for me - we're all spiritually one so might as well lol). (On that - I AM reading these, and I do intend to answer them! I just NEED THE TIIIIIIME!!!!!) Someone reached out via anon to me to let me know about these similarities, which I gave a cursory look through and realised they were in fact correct. So I reached out, got that fob-off response, and decided to do some legit digging. And... well, we all know the rest. Again, I would have settled for an inspiration cred. But they decided to be meenie about it, so I was meenie back. Meenie = meenie. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them, lol.

Nonnie; I wanted to cry-laugh at your "then I remembered I'm nowhere near popular enough" comment. At one point, I was yeeting chaps out every single day (yup, that happened lol) to an audience of like 3. I wasn't popular when I started up last September - it takes time, a support network, and genuine passion for what you do. I never cared for being popular, and I still don't - I write my shit because I have so much damn fun with it, and that is what matters most of all. If you have passion for your craft, people will see that, and people will follow and support that. And then you might get plagiarised, lol. But to be serious, I've seen it all over. Some of these people are clearly on the internet because interaction is one of their shittest skills IRL. If you do get plagiarised, nonnie, please, please reach out. As you can see, I fucking hate plagiarism. I hate dishonesty even more.

@lflores2008, thank you, as always, for going to bat for me. You're a crazy awesome person. I could be the biggest cunt on earth, but you're just so, so supportive of me, and it means the absolute world to me. I'm so lucky. This user has come up with a really interesting concept, and I'd have really enjoyed it if they hadn't incorporated my work into their own. In that respect, I see how they misunderstood my meaning; they did not "steal my story idea", which I never claimed they did, BUT they did take my phrasing, some scenes, some smut scenarios and at times essentially changed a few words around for entire paragraphs of work. Plagiarism is not limited to people stealing entire chapters, because only very few people are that stupid. I would've been willing to give this person another chance at engaging with their story if they'd have been willing to correct the similarities - hell, I would've helped them do it, I beta all the time - but instead, I got insulted and degraded. Sigh. Much sadness. Thank you again, boo, for being just about the kindest person ever. ILY.

@actualhawkesworld, the Centrelink comment is so real. It made me feel much better to have a laugh! Thank you! And yep - this is the second time this year that someone has either outright copied me (the Darklina chick) or heavily borrowed from my work (sunurflower). For now, it seems like this individual has taken their work down from all sites, though I have no doubt from the insanity of their reaction that they'll come back at some point. I'll be keeping an eye out for it from now on. The really sad thing is that I would've just settled for a "this work was inspired by..." blah-blah at the beginning of their fic. But instead I was rudely fobbed off and then had lies spread about me. I've tried really hard to be as kind as I can on my platforms, but more and more I'm finding people are taking advantage of that. That's part of the reason I kinda went nuclear on this, lol. People need to learn to stop using me as a free-for-all content mine, because my kindness has limits. I'm human. I do what I do for free, and it's so draining to have others attempt to take credit for the hours I put in to hone my work.

And to the three nonnies to cap it all off:

There's absolutely bound to be similarities! And there've even been some people to reach out and ask permission to borrow certain plot points/style elements, even though I can't possibly claim them as my own. It was incredibly nice of these people, if unnecessary, lol. But what this person did was essentially take my stuff and paraphrase it over and over and over again, at some points just directly copying phrases over. It was well-done, I guess! And don't worry, I reckon a lot of people didn't notice. Even I didn't until I sat down and actually went through it.

Thank you nonnie for the kind words. I'm still toying with a brief hiatus, maybe even a step back for a while - it seems to be over now, but I have no idea if this person is going to attempt to do something crazy like make a bunch of spam accounts to harass me or hate-anon-bomb me or find another platform to spread their bullshit on. I'd like to hope it's done, but people are so toxic nowadays. I really appreciate you reaching out to me!

And nonnie, thank you for the offer! I'd already initiated reporting with AO3 and Wattpad, but it seems that the work has been taken down/deleted/privated on both sites for now. It's only been privated on AO3, not deleted, so I suspect this individual will make a new attempt in future. Hopefully, they have learned their lesson, and they'll rework the similarities.

Thanks everyone. God, I'm just so overwhelmed by all this. Again? Really? I've learnt one thing, though - no more fucking around. If I see people stealing my shit, I'm calling them out by name. Absolutely no tolerance for dick behaviour anymore. I'm completely done being a whipping post for these people.

#personal updates #fandom asks

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hasellia · 10 months

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Happy non-binary awareness week everyone! Last night I revealed to my mother that I don't fully identify with being a man, and before I go into how that went, I wanted to type up how I got here.

I knew I was different to most kids growing up. When I wanted to play, they would go away, and when they wanted to play, I would go away. I was diagnosed with autism at a very young age, so any differences I saw between me and them were always blamed on that. “Oh, I like long hair and they don’t, must be because I’m autistic” “Oh they like athletics and I like drawing, must be because I’m autistic”. Any such difference. I’d come to learn such stereotypes of even cis neurotypicals aren’t true though. Eventually I found happiness by isolating myself, and my parents knowing that the usual parenting techniques wont work on me decided to lean into that. I had a very isolating childhood. My only friends being one other kid forced into the relationship and those constructed either in my head or by parasocial tactics by C list internet celebrities. Eventually though, I realised that I couldn’t spend my life solely living on someone else’s labour and decided to integrate into the community.

Then the pandemic happened. Then restrictions lifted. As I slowly teetered into the community, I noticed an uncommon reaction I was getting. People started confusing me for a woman. Not even necessarily mean spiritedly but genuinely caught off-guard when people close to me correct them “Actually, he’s a man.”. This was odd to me, after these interactions I noticed something else. “I’m not a fan of men, but you’re different.” “You’re not like the other men.” And such things were said constantly by my family. Even my 80 year old wannabe-nun grandmother said “Young men a such troublemakers, but you’re not like most men Hasselia. You’re something else.” Going into the community I could somewhat see what they were saying. I didn’t have the same attitude or likes as most of the ‘regular’ men I saw. But at those times, I just thought they were neurotypical. But then I realised even the neurodivergent men I’ve met were different. They didn’t feel the same need to be quiet or thoughtful as I did and just generally went about things a bit differently… But one person with autism is just one person with autism, right? Nonetheless I decided to ask someone about what they mean when they say, “you’re not like the other men.” “I dunno, you’re just different. You just move and speak and carry yourself differently. When women are around you, they seem to feel safer with you then the other men. You’re like a boy sometimes but you’re not immature. And sometimes you’re just… You. There’s no other way to describe it.” That was essentially what I was able to get out of them. I’m still perplexed by the movement and speech thing, but I realised I still hadn’t quite got enough of a reference to understand what they were saying. Eventually I met more nice men, bad men and those in-between and I realised even more how I’m just not like them. So, I started some soft research and a lot of internal searching. At first, I thought, “maybe I am a woman after all”. However, I found that those incidents of being believed to be one to be more distressing then I had hoped, so I stopped trying to see myself as one. Then I started being more strictly non-binary and… Ok not really. At the time I thought I’d be carrying the attitudes and beliefs instilled in me by my surrounding culture even if I transitioned. But now I realise I can’t quite fully separated my self from my assigned identity. I was confused on who exactly I was. A gender non-conforming man? A non-binary? Something in between? Maybe I really was a woman and I’m just had some unseen hidden internalised self-hate? What changed though was I saw a post on Tumblr about Therians / Otherkins.

The post went along the lines of “How cool is it that some people look inside themselves and see a black hole or wolf or something?” The way it was phrased just made somethings click in my head. I needed to look inside myself. And when I did, I didn’t quite see a man. I saw something resembling one, made from glass, housing diatomic white sand that hid a secret beauty until closely inspected. In an odd way, that was what I needed to really understand myself. I could call myself a man, as what was needed by society, the situation or just how I felt at the time. But I know that isn’t just what I am, both as a person, in society as well as in myself. And I’m not JUST gender-nonconforming, there’s more to it than that, something I still can’t quite explain. Some people look inside themselves and just see something else or a man, or a woman irrespective of their biology or assigned gender. I’m still not sure what exactly to call my degree of gender, all of this is still rather new to me and I don’t really have someone to hold my hand. Part of me feels like an uncertain fraud, because of my social isolation I never really had to deal with any dysphoria or confrontations about my presentation until recently. Some people go their whole lives struggling to define themselves, but I at least had a convenient excuse with autism. Even my birth name, although it's though it's masculine I've never met anyone else with the same name so it feels like it was almost made just for me. As an AMAB my identity may not be the most flashy or hyper-radical but they’re mine. I’m fully happy to call myself a man, non-binary and a non-binary man. My name is Hasselia, my pronouns are he/they and I'm a non binary man.

#non binary awareness week #non binary #nonbinary #he/they #long post #about me #This stuff's so new to me I don't even know if I'm supposed to have a seat at the trans table or not #Also I got some important documents due in like 2 days so sorry if I forget to follow this up soon

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deviloveofficial · 2 months

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hey i dont know how old you are but you seem kind of young. im sure youre getting a lot of hate in your inbox right now from the dogday thing. i think saying that was vile but if youre any age under like 16 you need to get off tumblr and the internet in general people arent joking when they say its bad for you

this is coming from a place of genuine concern. get off the internet and go outside. anyone who could comment that about a little girls death at the hands of isreali terrorists is already desensitized enough. get out of here before your brain is completely rotted - not mad or insulting you, just warning

I’m sorry I already apologized and I’m not being blown up with hate either. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak and shit like this happens.

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shiningnightstars · 5 months

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I don't know how I can get my point across more strongly. I'm being honest bro, I'm f*cking tired bruh, I'm tired of all these goofy wannabe unoriginal view hungry cringe radiating Tumblr posts creating egotistically falsely empowered muscle shirt-wearing rich-car-driving food-wasting fake-prank-creating TikTok-migrating musty weird little neandarthalic troglodyte coming out of you!

and stop telling me to censor myself, I censor what I want!

Go to sleep. The fact that you're obsessing over an anonymous person like me on Tumblr speaks for itself when you have homework or school to worry about, or whatever you said. Your life comes first. Get off your computer and phone, and go take a much needed nap so you actually grow some muscle.

i??? cant tell if you care about me or hate me. what did i even do to you. just block me or something. like why. why do you spend your time bullying random kids on the internet. what do you gain from that. im genuinely curious about what i did, by the way. also i hate tiktok??? and rich people?????

are you sure you didnt get the wrong url or something? because i genuonely dont know what youre talking about.

whatever, good night. ill reply to whatever you say in the morning.

#starling sings #asks #weirdest anon hate ive ever gotten?#are you hating on me because im a minor or something?? cause if so that is very petty but okay #good night i guess??? 👍#have a great day? i hope your day gets better?? i hope i can fix whatever i did to wrong you???#whatever

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ruhrohrps · 2 years

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To the anon about messaging when people are dumb, I sent a message to a group who had a non-cis fc played and listed as cis (by an admin) and they went on a long explanation about not forcing people to play characters how they wouldn't like to. I wanted to be optimistic too and they treated me like I was the problem.

yikes !

i'm sorry this happened to you.

i feel that if they're going to portray non-cis fcs as cis, even after spoken to, that's when one should go to either a friend/mutual or someone you follow in the rpc with a bigger platform who could then try speaking to them.

i think it's also reasonable to try to rally people together to speak with the admin/admin team. it's something that shouldn't just be done on anon though, because as a pervious admin myself, they have tendencies to think it's just people in the rpc trying to stir the pot because they're bored and will most likely be ignored/deleted. if you approach them off-anon, and with your knowledge and explaining why it's wrong - it should be accepted. but if it's not, it then becomes a bigger issue where you need to take further action by rallying or going to someone with the knowledge/platform to further try influencing.

after that, it would become a psa against the rpg - which, we all know how that works. but before it gets that far, i would try following the 3 steps of 1.) trying to speak to them 2.) getting others/someone else involved and then 3.) psa. because once a psa is out there - most likely they'll be attacked/bullied by anons and that gets super extreme and solves nothing but it ultimately forces them to stop the group because they can't recover from being exposed.

uh, just when writing a psa, be careful with terminology and what you say.... cause i know of certain keyboard warriors who have a horrid rep in the rpc because all they do is tear people to shreds and cross the line with what is said and have said (and continue to say) pretty messed up stuff as well as belitting to the people to the point where they aren't human anymore.... uhhhhhh and i know all this cause i've received anons about people in said keyboard warrior friend group that i've just deleted out of fear they'll come at me, and i've also seen their versions of psas....

if you're going to do a psa, please just stay factual. use receipts, but don't come across as aggressive like you want to burn these people to the ground. it genuinely does reflect more on yourself than the rp and its admin group. and please have this be a last resort, because you can try so hard to be the bigger person and create a great psa that doesn't shit on anyone but infact educates the community of the issue - but it won't stop the anons this rp is inevitably going to get. and you don't want to come across as being harassing on the internet, cause tbh that falls under bullying that's a crime and it can actually be reported to not only Tumblr... but like.... legitimate cyber crime units... like, it baffles me how these anons think they could tell people to "kys" and get away with it.... like.... if someone actually does and then they find that anon/message - your ass is innnnnnn jaillllllll for a LONG time. lol? like.... damn. no one thinks. and there's ways to find out who sent the anon yourself through IP tracing and even more simple ways.

BASICALLY - DON'T BE GETTING YOURSELF INTO TROUBLE OVER SHIT ON THE INTERNET, Y'ALL. LIKE YES USE YOUR VOICE AND SPEAK UP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT, BUT JUST BE CIVIL.

#rpt #rph #rpc #cyberbullying tw

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olivishii · 3 years

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Astro observations, but mostly my opinions part 3

🌦air or earth in the big three, particularly rising sign, give someone very contrasting features. they also can come off quite intimidating. i’ve found that air/earth risings come off more mysterious than a scorpio rising.

🌦aries suns are much more introverted than their aries moon/rising counterparts.

🌦celebrities with air moons are always very well liked & popular.

🌦 mercury square mars people have a hard time conveying their thoughts and are often misunderstood. on the other hand, you may create a lot of enemies because of your agressive nature.

🌦if the sign in your 8th house is in someone else 3rd, it makes for amazing communication.

🌦ok this is just a birthday observation from looking up so many kinds of peoples charts, a loooooootttttttt of famous sagittarius/capricorn’s (particularly december capricorn’s but not limited to december capricorn’s) have pisces moons.

🌦contrary to popular belief, a lot of pisces tend to be combative. (and i’m not talking about the ones with aries placements.)

🌦if your third or ninth house is in either sagittarius or gemini. or your mercury is in the eight house or sagittarius or gemini, you might enjoy being on sites like reddit, twitter, or tumblr. since they all have to do with discussion, sometimes about taboo or theoretical things.

🌦scorpio & taurus are opposite signs, but i find them to be quite similar in more ways than they are different.

🌦taurus w/ an aquarius mars or moon or aquarius with a taurus moon or mars are hard to keep down, they will rebel and there is absolutely nothing you can say that will make them not.

🌦i think leo’s are amazing friends. a lot of people tend to hate on them, but they’re the mosy fun, loving, and loyal personalities. they’d do anything for you.

🌦pisces moons are aaaaalllllwaaaaayyyssss on edge. and have bad ass tempers.

🌦taurus & cancer moons are the most understanding people i’ve ever met. maybe even a little bit too understanding.

🌦men with sagittarius moons are always means & rude as fuck. like straight up fucking assholes. cold hearted assholes. but the women with sag moons are💕🥰🤍💋👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

🌦i fucking would die for libra and sagittarius women.

🌦taurus fem ppl have strong “it” girl energy. like hello miss janet jackson? megan fox? jessica alba? all taurus.

🌦i don’t think i’ll ever see the day me and a pisces placements genuinely get along on all levels. will always be a love hate thing going on.

🌦personally, i don’t “hate” any of the signs. some people do and that’s fine. but i think if you want to be in astrology or astrologer you can’t really hate any of the signs. you’re readings would be very biased.

🌦now on the other hand, there ARE certain placements i just truly do not click with.

🌦many people that hold a very strong and influential postion on the internet ALL have earth placements. i can make a whole ass series on that. (nicki minaj has a virgo moon, trisha paytas is a taurus, fred is a virgo, rolling ray is a virgo, tiffany pollard is a capricorn etc etc...)

🌦earth & air placements have the sexiest bone structure and eyes...my god.

🌦i don’t know if i’ve already said this, but scorpio’s are sooooo funny. i swear to god.

🌦it’s true, sagittarius suns, moons and risings have amazing bodies. they just have something very prominent on their bodies.

🌦the elements as popular musical genres....air is alternative FOR SURE. earth is r&b or soul. ok fire can either be rap or hard rock. and water is bubblegum pop or house music.

🌦speaking of music, the song “take me away” from freaky friday had to have been written by a sagittarius sun or mercury that’s all i can think of when i hear it lol.

🌦virgo people have a fierceness about them. they truly do, like beyoncé literally has an alter ego called sasha fierce. pink is such a punk ass bitch, micheal jackson, do i even need to elaborate?

🌦gemini woman, especially woman, may have had to feel like they needed to watch what they say because people take their forwardness for rudeness.

🌦i would want a sagittarius boss. please.

🌦i like to believe that stereotypes do not strongly apply to certain placements, but damn capricorn’s really can be buzz kills. with their just all around attitudes or something they say.

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kinstincts · 2 years

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Hi there I have no intent on making you or your followers feel bad and disrespect your beliefs, I'm just curious how can your 'kin' be discovered and if it's something like a roleplaying game or it's something that you truly believe in?

First of all I am a pagan and a polytheist and I have some spiritual experience . From what I researched and found out from my spiritual guides and guardians it's true that humans can have a non human origin ( angel, fairy, elves etc.) but animals cannot be born in human bodies due to them not possessing a higher self ( your soul in its true form that exists as en entity in the spirit realm). Animals do have a spirit body but when they die Gaia ( earth's energy) absorbs them and then puts them into a different body of the same species.

The souls humans have are more complex and do live a separate life in the spirit realm as a body made of energy/light.

Another thing is that shape shifters are an incredibly rare non human core one can have, a few cases worldwide , so I doubt they are all here on tumblr.

I'm not judging those who want body modifications but they aren't necessary, if they identify as an angel they already have the wings attached to their astral body. It's just a bit sad that they want to reject their human form or see it as hideous when they can have both. Their ' true form ' is there and can be seen by someone who possesses clairvoyant abilities , they still look like whatever entity they identify with , but for now they live as a human.

As I said I don't want to laugh at you or destroy your fun , you are not hurting anyone with some posts on the internet but I'm curious if something spiritual has gone into the process of finding out your origins? Most of one's behaviour and thoughts come from the ego persona which has dealt with different traumas, situations , born into a specific culture with different traditions so this isn't a reliable source since it cannot match 100% to your' true self '.

...There is a lot to unpack here. I am going to assume that you are very new to the otherkin and pagan communities and you are asking genuinely. I'm sorry if any of this comes off as harsh, I'm not trying to be.

First of all, no, otherkin is not a roleplaying thing, although I suppose it's possible that some people discover their affinities through the act of roleplaying (the energetic vampyre community more or less grew out of Vampire: The Masquerade, for example. This doesn't mean they're just roleplaying, it simply means that by being able to take on a certain persona, they were able to discover a piece about themselves. Much like how crossplay can often lead to people discovering things about their gender. [And I say this as a trans person.])

Secondly, YOUR belief that animals can not have a "higher self" is YOUR belief. Just because your "spirit guides" have "told" you this does not mean they are correct. The first step to understanding other people's points of view is understanding that what they believe in may not match up with what you perceive as "true", especially when it comes to things of esoteric or metaphysical nature. You are very much sounding like Christians who are 100% certain that their beliefs are true, that other people who believe something else are just mistaken. Speaking as a Pagan: stop trying to force your view of other people into a box that you have created. Your beliefs may be true to you but they definitely are not the absolute fact.

....And I want to know, genuinely, if you go up to people who are getting their ears pierced or a tattoo and tell them that their body modifications are not necessary. Because frankly, and pardon my language here, but telling somebody that a body modification they want that will make them feel more at home in their bodies, (or for ANY reason, actually--we don't need a reason to get a body modification)-- is fucking rude.

Getting body mods is not a rejection of your natal body.

My body is a temple that I will decorate how I see fit.

Accusing people of wanting to get mods because they hate their bodies is disgusting and ill-informed. I hear the same crap from transphobes who don't want me to take HRT because they've deluded themselves into thinking I hate my body.

I love my body. I think I look amazing. But I would feel more like myself with HRT. I would feel more like myself with fangs. I would feel more like mys'elf if there were a way to grow more arms, wings, and a tail. (Unfortunately not a possible modification, but that's what costumes are for.) And I feel more like myself with two tongues! Splitting my tongue was the best decision I've ever made in my life! And it had nothing to do with hating myself or my body!

There are other people much more equipped to dealing with the rest of your questions. I'm not a thinker, I don't really care about the philosophies or the hows or whys of otherkin and therians. I just know what I am and I take people for their word about what they are, and stress that it's okay to not know also. Because who the hell am I to tell anyone else what they are?

I don't go into the tags much anymore and I've lost a lot of the really good blogs who have done deep dives into otherkin culture, but I believe @aestherians has a lot of really great resources.

Sorry if this came off as harsh. People in the body modification community--and trans people--of which I am both--get told ALL THE TIME that we're "mutilating our bodies" and that we should "just accept your natural body and quit hating yourself" and I'm not one to sugar coat my feelings towards that mindset. It's triggering and I'm sorry if my irritation came off as an attack, but it's a frankly harmful mindset, full stop. Furthermore, some cultures have beliefs that tattoos and other modifications give them spiritual powers and have deeper meanings. So already, your ignorance shows that you have a lot to learn when it comes to body modification specifically. Body modification is a beautiful thing that has roots in many different cultures, and has been practiced for centuries.

I'm hoping that my language hasn't deterred you from wanting to learn further or ask questions.

#otherkin #therian #alterhuman #otherkind #othertalk #body modification

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definitely-not-a-wasp · 3 years

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I'm okay with a bunch of disorganized rambling honestly 😂. But if I had to narrow it down then I guess I want to know about main and side characters and how they compare to the original?

I know that tumblr is the Prime Site for disorganized rambling, but I have perfectionism issues. But that is a great question, nonnie, and I will be happy to ramble is a slightly less disorganized fashion.

When reading Maximum Ride as a somewhat-formed adult who discovered they enjoy English classes about 3.5 years ago, I noticed that JP, when writing, doesn't understand consistency. At all. Which means, in many ways, I have a free sandbox to work with.

Spoilers for my rewrite WIP, because I strongly believe that if a story would no longer be good if one had spoilers, then it wasn’t a good story in the first place.

I'm trying to keep the backstories the same, plus or minus the scientific method and a few characters (RIP my OCs. I want to bring you back so bad but it wouldn't fit with the thematic narrative). I've mostly kept their (starting) abilities the same, too. Without further ado, I'm going to introduce some WorldBuilding. (If I'm good at nothing else, I'm good at world building)

First off. Logically.

How are they getting Cable?

How are they getting internet?

How are they getting money to eat and stuff?

JP's answer: handwave it off. Sometimes you need to ignore logistics for the sake of plot. This is an answer I'd accept from an author that I like, such as Julie Kagawa, that makes amazing worlds, characters, and narratives that I will happily handwave a few things that wouldn't work in the real world. James Patterson, on the other hand, did not make any of that; he made a cool concept, some good rough-draft characters, and nothing else, and therefore this is an unforgivable sin.

Wasp's answer: They are not getting any of that.

Introducing Cottagecore.

The house is off the grid. Solar Panels and a wind turbine create electricity. They have their own well. They grow their own food, raise livestock for eggs, milk, and wool, and trap fish for meat. They get money through dumpster diving and pawning. They still have to steal half of the necessities they can’t make themselves. They do have a TV, but it can access about three channels on a clear day. Internet is only a thing when they go to the public library.

Giving the flock a background that’s heavy in farming and livestock rearing shores up the plot holes mentioned above, but in my opinion, ties the flock more tightly to the environment, thus giving them something tangible to lose when they have to leave the E-shaped house. Because they’re not just leaving a house and a safety net— they’re leaving their entire way of life with no promise of getting it back. It also gives them a tangible connection to the earth in case I want to actually pursue the global warming themes.

Main Characters

Maximum “Max” Ride (Birthname: nonexistent)

First off, I'm letting her be Latina, James Patterson.

In the original, Max was very much the headstrong, independent, action girl. Leaning into Strong Female Character (TM), but overall she had a strong, solid foundation and enough character consistency through the first three books for me to not have to just make an entire new character. However, I felt that she was, in some ways, a bit too Action-Girl and Strong and Capable. Yes, Max is incredible and competent, but she’s also fourteen. She’s a child.

In the rewrite, Max’s character is still headstrong, independent, capable, and sometimes not the best at listening to others. All of that’s the same. But she’s that way not because of girlboss energy, but because there’s no one else to do it. She doesn’t want to lead, necessarily. She wants to get some rest and let someone else handle the problems life keeps throwing at her. But she knows if she did that, the responsibility of leader would fall to Fang and Iggy, and she can’t ask that of them. She doesn’t want to place that burden on anyone else (Look, there’s a reason I chose Ayano’s Theory of Happiness as one of her signifier songs, okay?). Her narrative is very much centered around burden, and also around loss. She lost her cultural heritage when she was taken away from her birth family, she lost her childhood to being a leader, she lost a good deal of her friends to the school (RIP my OCs), she lost Jeb, and then she lost her stability. And she’s going to lose a lot more before the end of the story. So a lot of her character arc deals with learning that there are some things she can’t fix, some things that can’t be recovered. She can’t get the E-shaped house back. She can’t get her Little Baby Angel back, even after they rescue her. She can’t get her friends back from the school. And instead of working so hard to recover those or find something to replace them, she has to learn to live with that sense of loss and move on with her life without feeling guilty for leaving things behind. And she has to learn that asking for help and sharing her burden is selfish or weak.

Other changes I made that don’t necessarily fit into her narrative arc, but you asked for rambling so rambling you shall get:

Max hallucinates, because mental illness is also a prominent theme in the rewrite. She doesn’t have a psychotic disorder, but her C-PTSD causes visual/audio hallucinations, especially when she’s stressed or sleep deprived.

Max ends up having a Gender Discovery throughout the story and goes by He/She pronouns eventually. I don’t know when, but it will happen.

As far as genetic modifications/special quirks go, she can fly faster than the rest of the flock, but not 300 miles per hour. She averages about sixty mph with diving speeds of 240. She cannot breathe underwater or shut down her organs on command. She also has the Super Special Power to predict the weather, but that’s not because of genetics, it’s because she has chronic pain in her right arm that gets worse when weather fronts change.

Her favored weapon is her trusty rebar that she picked up from a condemned building. I think she’s going to name it eventually but I don’t know what yet.

Fang (Birth name: Gabriel Xue)

In canon, Fang is characterized in early books by being the “dark, strong, silent type”. He’s probably the most reserved member of the flock, to the point of falling into the Brooding Mystery Man trope in parts of the book. They care a lot, but they’re not the best at conveying that, especially with the younger members of the flock, and at times their high empathy leads them to making mistakes. Despite the high empathy, he’s often compared to a robot due to his lack of expression and external emotions.

Well, first change is that they’re not a man, so jot that down—

If Max’s narrative is centered around burden and loss, I would probably say that Fang’s is centered around humanity and moving on. None of the flock was treated as human while in the school, but Fang was more often than not treated like a wild animal due to “behavioral issues”, and therefore had and continues to have a difficult time considering themselves real and alive, let alone human. This manifests through a several different ways— where in canon Fang definitely had a ‘fight’ reaction, in the re-write they have a ‘freeze’ or ‘shut down’ instinct. They’re selectively mute for multiple reasons (including derealization, jaw pain, the fact that they didn’t learn how to speak until they were 10, and genuinely forgetting it’s something they’re capable of), a period of Cotard’s syndrome, and a tendancy towards self-loathing and self-sacrifice. In short, Fang is still halfway stuck in the mindset that most of the flock grew out of when they escaped in the school, and doesn’t know how to move past it.

Much of their character arc revolves around not necessarily seeing themselves as human, but learning to treat themselves as human even when they don’t feel like one (or even feel real), and knowing that just because they don’t feel human all the time doesn’t mean anyone else can treat them the same. They never start easily expressing their emotions, and they’re always going to be selectively mute, but they learn to accept that those aspects of themself aren’t character flaws or signs that they’re sub-human.

Other additions to Fang’s character include:

They don’t get their hair cut in New York. It stays long through the entire series. They have the longest hair in the flock by the end of the series, and they can wear it in so many styles.

Fang uses they/it pronouns because themes of reclaiming the weapons used against it and, more importantly, Gender.

They’re actually really good at spelling compared to the rest of the flock, because they and Iggy communicate with Print-On-Palm when they’re nonverbal, and they’re nonverbal for some pretty long stretches of time.

They and Max have... zero romantic tension. At all. There is none. The number of times Max calls them her sibling/little sibling in the first arc alone is staggering, and that will not change.

Igneous “Iggy” (Birthname: Jamsetta “Jamie” Griffiths)

I’ve talked about Iggy before. Canon doesn’t give us much to go off of, but from what’s shown, he’s smart, sarcastic, has sharper edges than Fang and Max, and also has a sizable ruthless streak. So that’s what I have to go off of.

The big difference between Iggy and Fang&Max is that Iggy has a much better memory of the School. Most of the flock have areas (months or years) that they don’t remember, or people that they’ve blocked from their mind, but Iggy... doesn’t. So he’s the one that remembers all of the other AVIAN test subjects that were old enough to have names and identities but died due to complications. Max might have the burden of leadership, but he has the burden of memory. And that has lead to both a massive fucking guilt complex, because why did he survive when they didn’t, and, as mentioned above, a ruthless streak that he doesn’t shy away from.

Which is to say, by the end of the story, Iggy has the highest kill count.

I love, love writing Iggy next to Max and Fang. I love writing Iggy next to Gazzy and Nudge. Because, I say this with all of the love of the world, but Iggy is not a good person. He is loyalty and love incarnate, and the world can burn down if he and his siblings are safe. Max and Fang will always try to save as many people as they can. They will wonder what’s wrong with them the first time they kill and don’t have a mental breakdown about it. They are good in a way that Iggy is not. He’s okay with killing Erasers. He’s okay with killing humans. He’s okay with killing people who might not necessarily deserve it, if they show themselves as a threat or are simply in the blast radius. He knows perfectly well that most of those Erasers he’s murdering are four and five and he is okay with that, because a lot of the AVIANs were that age when they died. (Yeah, in the rewrite it’s not Fang who has an issue with Ari; it’s Iggy who wants the 7-year-old wolf-boy dead.)

And this is, of course, juxtaposed with Iggy being really, really good with Nudge and Gazzy (especially in the beginning). Because, again, he actually remembers being a child. He remembers a lot of kids that died and is therefore fiercely protective of the kids that didn’t, as well as fiercely protective of the innocence that he never got. So he’s the one that cooks their favorite foods when they’re having a bad day, always makes time when they want to talk about something, and convinces Max to let them go to that toy store in New York because, yeah, he Max and Fang aren’t kids. They never were. But Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel can be. (And if he has to be a murderer to preserve that, then he’s perfectly okay with that.)

He and Angel don’t get along very well, though. The telepath doesn’t like hanging out with the person with the most clear memories of the school.

Other additions:

Iggy is trans and says trans rights

He also has paranoid episodes, because C-PTSD. Sometimes they’re very helpful. Sometimes they are not.

I actually decided that he’s one of the flock that doesn’t meet their parents. I know in canon he did, but I always found that very clunky because it didn’t add to his character. He was one of the characters who, until it was convenient for the plot, seemed to care the least about his family. I’d much rather give that to a character whose arc would benefit from it.

Iggy! Gets! Older Sibling Rights! Seriously, he’s two months younger than Fang, he is just as capable.

Iggy does not know braille because Jeb decided it wasn’t necessary for him to know. Iggy is also the best speller in the flock, because Print-on-Palm was the only way to talk to Fang for a solid year. Yes he mocks everyone over this.

Iggy is the only member of the flock that enjoys swimming and can take into the air from water. Everyone else in the flock is incredibly jealous.

Nudge (Birthname: Monique Robinson)

If Iggy is defined by his memories, Nudge is his polar opposite. She was seven when she left the School, but she has next to no memories of it. She is missing a lot of time in the first year she escaped. And that causes... a lot of things. It makes her feel disconnected from her older siblings, it gives her the ability to function in society in a way the other’s can’t, it lets her feel less grief over the ones that didn’t make it and she doesn’t remember, it makes her feel guilty that she doesn’t remember what she’s old enough to know.

Basically, in order for me to keep the character of Nudge as I saw her (more extroverted, not afraid of the world, fascinated with humans like her siblings aren’t, desiring to fit in instead of isolate), I had to put a little bit of distance between her and the flock. Of course, she loves them— that will in no way change— but she’s old enough that she should remember the school (and her dead friends) unlike Gazzy and Angel, but she can’t, and she very much fears forgetting the flock if anything happens to them. So she’s trying desperately to keep the flock close and wants desperately to experience the world at the same time, and doesn’t know what to do when she can’t have both. That’s her biggest character conflict throughout the series, along with that in-between area where she’s not quite where her older siblings are but understands so much more than Gazzy and Angel, and where she stands in that.

So yeah. Nudge’s journey is that in looking for belonging in the world, in her family, and in herself.

This is why she’s one of the ones that gets to find her parent, James Patterson.

Other additions include:

She never straightens her hair. Never. Her resources at the E-shaped house aren’t perfect, but she still has learned how to take care of her hair and has a few styles she cycles through.

She becomes the default person Max sics on people when the flock is trying to befriend them. Also their de-facto diplomat around strangers.

As in canon, she does take some time away from the flock to expirience ‘normal life’. This does not last long due to the stress of being separated from her siblings/not being able to help them and [REDACTED]

Nudge is... not the only person in her head. I’m not focusing on it much because she doesn’t actually know and neither does the flock (I don’t know if they ever figure it out during the series, either), but she has dissociative identity disorder. She’s not aware of her alter(s?). Her alter isn’t super aware of her, either.

The alter that I’ve developed is named Oxy and is not super aware of the outside world. In her eyes, she’s still seven and they’re still at the School. She would not recognize the body as her own if she looked in a mirror.

Nudge actually leaves the flock for a while to pursue her dream of living a normal life. She deserves it. She learns how to make muffins and the basics of software development. These things are unrelated.

Gasman (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

Honestly, writing Gazzy is kind of hard for me. Partially because I’m not great at writing kids, and partially because I feel like he’s a pretty surface-level character in-series that... isn’t super compelling in canon. But even if that’s the case, I try to treat all of my characters with respect, so here we go. In my rewrite, he escaped when he was four, which was half a lifetime ago for him, so his memories are ill-defined. Therefore, he managed to circumvent a lot of the trauma that the rest of the kids have, and not in the way Nudge did, which is by creating an elaborate blockage in her memories.

Which means Gazzy... really doesn’t know how to deal with all of this traumatic stuff happening. So much of his development turns out to be a coming-of-age narrative. Learning how to deal with the horrors of what his siblings grew up with. Learning the fears that they had the entire time. Losing his innocence when everyone around him never had it in the first place, and being so terribly alone because of it. Because, really, how can you explain such a deep loss to people who never had what he had? How can they help in a way that matters?

Also, relationship-wise, I’m slowly deteriorating the relationship between him and Iggy. Slowly. Or, changing it, at least. Gazzy hero-worships Iggy in-series, and for good reason, because Iggy is super cool, especially in the eyes of an eight-year-old, and especially when Iggy has taken care to cultivate parts of his behaviors to be child-friendly. Part of growing up is seeing the flaws in your heroes, and Gazzy has to learn how to deal with it. End of the series Gazzy is much less closer to Iggy than beginning of the series Gazzy, and neither of them are really okay with that, but they learn to live with it, because that’s really all they can do.

Notes:

I’m keeping the mimickry! It plays a bit of a bigger role because that’s how Gazzy learned to talk. I’m debating whether or not he has his own voice or if he just borrows the flock’s as he sees fit. He also uses it to scream really loudly and occaisonally burst the eardrums of Erasers.

At one point he cosplays as Jessica Jones. No you don’t get any more context than this.

He has a horrible sense of fashion.

I’m changing his name eventually because it sucks. He’s either going to change it to Gannet, Garrison, or Ivy Mike temporarily, and permanently to Zephyr. (I never said I was going to make his name GOOD, because he’s eight, but it’s changing. You’re welcome.)

Angel (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

It’s just... a completely different character, at this point. I’ve changed so many things about her in an attempt to make her consistent and act like a six-year-old and work in the whole “telepath before she has a solid sense of identity”, so it’s a different character. Also, I’m tired of writing coherently or in paragraphs, so have some interesting facts.

She has epilepsy! Super severe epilepsy! I think she might also develop juvenile MS in the future because her brain has so many scars from being a fucking six-year-old telepath. There’s no way she could get out of that unscathed.

She has more memories of the school than Gazzy, but only because she keeps accidentally reading the minds of Max, Fang, and Iggy. On a related note, she interacts with Iggy as little as possible.

The mind reading means that she has a hard time developing as a normal child with a normal sense of identity or reality. She can’t tell how much people are individual people and how much they’re just extensions of her. Conversely, she can’t tell how much of herself is actually her instead of the thoughts/opinions/identities of someone else. It’s... kinda fucked? But also super not-her-fault.

She’s albino because white wings. Also, because I thought it was cool. This also means that her vision sucks, though. Also she has the biggest straw sunhat and the most stylish sunglasses a six-year-old can have.

She’s responsible for Max shaving her hair off.

She has the highest swear count because I think it’s funny. She’s the only person allowed to say the fuck word in writing. Everyone else can only say ‘hell’ and the occasionally ‘damn’ but she can say whatever she wants for dramatic and comedic value.

She is NOT THE FUCKING VOICE, J*MES P*TTERSON.

Honorable Mentions

Jeb

I’m skipping Jeb because of how little I care about him. He’s a little bitch, next character.

Ari

STILL HASN’T BEEN REVEALED AS AN ERASER. I’ve been writing for 50,000 words and he’s over here saying ‘nope nope not yet, not dramatic enough’. He’s had speaking lines but has refused to make himself known to Max. I am so frustrated with this seven-year-old wolf-child that I’ve already considered how I would kill him, if I decide I want to kill yet another child in my writing.

So, my main thoughts for Ari is that he... really just drew the short end of the stick in every possible way. While Jeb didn’t sign him up for Eraser expirimentation, he didn’t do anything to stop it, and pretty much cut his losses when he realized this expiriment made a wreck of his ‘perfect, unflawed’ son, because Jeb doesn’t consider children of any species to actually be humans. So, Ari really hates his dad, which makes things complicated, because he also really loves his dad and really wants his approval.

Which means that he also really hates Max, because she’s the child that always got Jeb’s time and attention, even when Ari was human. I think, on some level, he knows that trying to tear Max down to a less-favored level isn’t actually going to help his situation— infighting for the love of an abusive parent won’t make them any less abusive— but he’s also seven, and his development is already severely stunted due to becoming an Eraser, and he doesn’t see ‘leaving ITEX’ as an option like the Flock does. ITEX is his everything. It’s all he’s ever known, and they tell him he’s doing the right thing, and he wants them to love him. He wants his father to love him. He knows that if he ever questions ITEX, his father will never love him. So it must be his older sister that’s ruining his life and being a horrible child, and once Ari drags her back down to his level, Jeb will realize who the best child is and love him properly again.

Ari, on an even deeper level, does care for Max quite a bit, because she’s his older sister and he wants that to mean something in a way that ‘Jeb being his father’ obviously doesn’t. He wants what she made for herself, and he hates the Flock because she loves them and obviously doesn’t love him.

Ari, if anything, is the product of neglect, and both loves and hates everyone who shows a chance of caring about him. And he’s seven, so he can’t notice these patterns, let alone break them.

So. Notes!

He doesn’t look like an adult. I thought that was gross and unnecessary. He’s seven, but he looks closer to thirteen or fourteen. Still young enough that he looks like every Eraser’s little brother, and the Erasers high-key treat him like it.

On a related note, he’s the only Eraser who can talk. The others don’t have the mental capacity or vocal structure to replicate human speech, but they can understand language (at about the level of a two or three year old) and are very good at nonverbal communication. This is why Ari managed to climb the ranks despite only having three years of “service” and also looking like a tween.

He doesn’t have an expiration date because that is SUCH a stupid plot point.

I’m giving him a chainsaw! I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but he deserves to have a chainsaw and GODDAMN I will give it to him.

Emergency and Gene

The OCs that I love and also killed pre-series. They don’t have any scenes, because they’re dead, but their deaths greatly effected Max, Fang, and Iggy, and they are very commonly referenced. Their voices are probably Max’s most common hallucination, to the point where she sometimes pretends they’re ghosts that she can talk to. They’re not ghosts. They’re dead.

Dr. Valencia Martinez

I’m actually keeping her pretty close to canon— loving, supportive, the type of person to take in a gsw victim with minimal questions. The difference is that rather than kindness fueling her actions, it’s incredible guilt. She has three goals surrounding Max: Give her as much support in any way she can, teach her as much about chicane culture as possible, and never let Max know that she’s her birth parent.

(She’s probably going to fail at AT LEAST two of those, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Notes:

She has a pet fox named Robin Hood that she rescued from an exotic animal salesman that got arrested.

I think I’m going to kill her. I don’t know yet, but it’s on the table.

Anne Walker

Y’know, the fake FBI Agent. Who’s not actually a fake in my story because I hated that plot point. She’s genuinely an FBI agent who put the Flock into pseudo-witness-protection in order to build a case against the Institute of Higher Living, accidentally got attached to her prime witnesses, raised them for a few months, realized a [SPOILER] and promptly had to let them get the hell out dodge.

I really like the Anne Walker that lives in my head. She is a VITAL part of the Flock’s development, their mental/emotional recovery, and adding to their safety net to fall back on. She serves them as their first adult role model, and is the first adult to show them what parent/child are supposed to look like from a healthy perspective. Though she has several fuck ups, she becomes someone that the Flock genuinely trusts and loves, which makes it all the more difficult for them to leave when [REDACTED].

Notes:

She and Max do butt heads initially, because Max is paranoid and also afraid of becoming uneeded. This ends up being incredibly important because Max needs to learn how to live and find meaning in life without being the designated Leader/Parent/Big Sister

Anne, at one point, sits the entire flock down to teach them about consent, which was something no one ever talked about with them before. She goes in talking specifically about consent in a romantic/sexual sense (because they’re fourteen and that’s something they need to know), but quickly turns into a full-fledged no, people are NOT allowed to do that to you, what the FUCK.

She’s responsible for giving the flock a laptop. It’s because Angel is online schooled (bc telepathy makes actually learning difficult) and was therefore provided with a computer.

Anne is also allowed to swear, but only when it’s funny.

Michael “Grey” Rivers

Aka Grey from the Sewers Aka GR3Y H47 Aka Mike from the Bronx Aka Gifted Child Syndrome Incarnate Aka Would-be-in-MIT-if-his-parents-weren’t-horrible. He’s my son, your honour.

Basically, his backstory boils down to him being a genius, getting into MIT at 14, his (horrible) parents wanting a perfect child who could “make it out” of the Bronx and represent his family/neighborhood/borough to the world. When he inevitably failed their expectations due to stress, a schizophrenic-spectrum disorder that completely alienated him from the rest of his support network, and refusing to take his psych meds because the side effects were horrible and they made it harder to think (and therefore pass his classes), they kicked him out. He fully intends to go back to MIT when he turns 18 and has control of his finances/scholarships/medication/therapy.

So that’s how the flock meets him.

Mike ends up in a very prominent support role for the flock both in technological persuits (helping them track their parents, helping them get information from ITEX, trying to disable Max’s chip and failing multiple times until it becomes a matter of personal honour—), in helping the older members of the flock figure out how to deal with hallucinations/delusions (because he’s actually been to therapy, unlike them), and in being one of the only people who talks to them and helps them without any ulterior motive. He’s not trying to build a case against ITEX/The Institute of Higher Learning, he’s not double crossing them, he’s not plagued with guilt. He just genuinely wants to help them, and they genuinely want to help him, and that’s their first introduction to a healthy, non-codependent relationship.

My many disorganized notes on Michael Rivers:

He’s from specifically Morris Heights, Bronx, NYC.

He would say that his last name is actually Rivera, but his grandparents changed it to Rivers so it would sound more English, and his family has been in America for so long that he doesn’t know much about any Latino heritage he may or may not have. He identifies as African American, not Afro-Latino. He’s just bitter that his family felt the need to change their surname to have better opportunities in New York.

Nudge aggressively befriends him pretty much the moment she meets him, bullies him into teaching her how to code, and he very quickly adopts her as his pseudo-little-sister.

His delusions in the book seemed to involve government conspiracies, but as that’s the one delusion that is proved correct in the book, I’ve decided it would be best if his delusions and reality intersected a bit less if I don’t want to write him having a manic/paranoid episode in the second scene he has screen time. So his delusions are more based on “none of this is real”, “someone is recording everything I do and setting me up to fail” and “my ill-wishes on people can and will come true if I dwell on them too long.”. Government conspiracies are one of things he is skeptical about because he thinks most conspiracies are either “CIA admitted to this twenty years ago” or “antisemitism”.

He’s taking online free college classes that don’t actually give him any college credit, but they have good information and help him feel like he’s working towards something. He plans to double major in computer sciences and electrical engineering, minor in marine biology. He’s wanted to join NOAA since he was twelve and he is nothing if not stubborn.

There you go. These are my characters, now. I have custody.

#maximum ride on main #Maximum Ride rewrite

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darlingpetao3 · 3 years

Text

Thank You For Ruining My Life: An Homage to Tom Cavanagh

“You’ve ruined all my future expectations of men.”

The costume-clad woman had the courage of steel to say this to the then 53-year-old actor, Tom Cavanagh of The Flash, in front of a ballroom filled with a couple hundred people. This brave utterance was spoken during the 2016 Fan Expo Vancouver convention during a Flash question and answer period with actors Tom Cavanagh and Candice Patton. In its third season, the show was undoubtedly still hitting its stride in popularity, and the room was packed to hear these two speak.

The brave woman whose turn it was at the microphone was referring to Tom’s role as Ed Stevens on the NBC 2000 hit, Ed. I had not known of this show previously, but having now heard such a proclamation intrigued me. “You’ve ruined all my future expectations of men.” That was a tempting notion, and as I continued to listen to this disarmingly charming and wittingly funny man steal the stage, Tom intrigued me even more. I’d watched him play three different versions of Harrison Wells on The Flash since the show’s premiere date, yet I hadn’t truly noticed him in a “life-ruining” way before.

Little did I know that Tom Cavanagh would not only eventually ruin my expectations for men as well, but he would change my life in other ways, too.

After the Q&A, I had this urge to buy a S.T.A.R. Labs T-shirt from one of the vendors at the convention. In my head, I thought I would purchase something so that I could have an excuse to talk to Mr. Cavanagh at his signing booth. Again, he intrigued me, and I wanted to experience more of his incredibly likeable personality. So, I dragged my friend with me to wait for what was maybe ten minutes in a queue. Shortly, I was paying the assistant for my autograph I would soon acquire. They wrote my name on a sticky note so that Tom would know how to sign a personalized message to me. And then, it was my turn.

His eyes sparkled when he turned his attention to me. I instantly had a feeling this was just the way he was naturally. Oh yeah, and I swear to God I’d never seen eyes that blue in my entire life. It genuinely stunned me.

“Hi!” he greeted me.

“Hi!” I responded, equally as thrilled. Tom admired the T-shirt I had brought and took note of my name on the piece of paper. I remember us joking together about the extremely lax security in and around S.T.A.R. Labs on the show, which prompted his message to me on the heather-grey cotton. He wrote my name, [followed by a heart!] and a very welcoming, ‘Come on by, just walk right in!’

I had official clearance from Harrison Wells himself.

I thanked him very much, leaving with my treasure folded over my arms. My friend and I walked towards the hall’s exit, and I couldn’t shake this feeling inside me. It felt strange—I couldn’t name it for the life of me. It felt like an odd fluttering with a simultaneous yet contradictory slightness of breath. My head was confused and would continue to be so for the rest of that weekend.

As I waited at my gate in the airport on that Sunday evening to head home, all I knew was that the moments at the con featuring Tom were the highlights of the weekend for me.

And that I was going to begin watching more of the other films and television shows he’d been in. What was the show the brave cosplaying woman had said ruined her expectations of men? Oh yeah, Ed.

Maybe I’ll start there…

***

Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad…

In my house, it’s never really Christmastime until Michael Bublé croons through the speakers of the wooden stereo system in the living room. It felt especially festive as it was now Christmas Eve—a month and some change since the con. It was late, possibly ten o’clock. I was lying on the floor in front of the Christmas tree with my trusty laptop, a word document open. I was writing three holiday-song short stories featuring the new muse in my life, Harrison Wells. I wanted to be able to post them the next day, so my fingers were taptaptapping away.

I had written a handful of things before 2017, most of which had been Marvel-related, under my second, ‘rebirth’ pen name online. I was a little fish among all the grand and fabulous writers on Archive of Our Own, and in many ways, I still feel like that little fish. I was only just learning and feeling out the psyche of the Wells characters. Each one is so different. In my rewatch of the previous seasons of The Flash, I’d taken diligent notes, and as I’d later learn with each following rewatch, I would know them all—what they think, how they talk and behave—like the back of my hand. It was fun to suss out these guys, and I found that I was growing to love the act of writing even more.

One month later, in January, I would post all the stories I’d written thus far on Tumblr. I’d just created an account and, who knows? Maybe I’d get a wider range of readers on here, too.

Might as well give it a shot, right?

***

Wild horses couldn’t keep me from attending Fan Expo Vancouver 2017, especially when the big news dropped. Not only would Tom Cavanagh be attending again, but so would Carlos Valdes, Danielle Panabaker, Candice Patton, and the convention-elusive star of the show himself, Grant Gustin.

Before the moderator for the Flash cast’s Q&A panel could utter the final thanks to the actors at the end of the session, I bounded from my seat and sped down to the photo op booth where the cast would be taking “Team Up” photos with fans. ‘Sped down’ has to be the most appropriate couple of words because I indeed felt like a true Speedster dressed head to toe as the small screen’s adaptation of Jesse Quick, the angsty and brilliant daughter to Harrison Wells turned superhero.

After waiting in a queue that felt like ages, I was next to stand with Team Flash. As I took a step forward, all of the actors’ and actresses’ eyes—the people I spend time with every Tuesday evening—were on me. I heard a familiar voice approve of my costume. It was Danielle.

“Tremendous.”

Grant even joked that he thought for a second Violett Beane, the actress who plays Jesse Quick, had shown up to surprise them. “I was like, what’s Violett doing here?” he said.

I stood in the back row, happily sandwiched between Tom and Carlos. I dared to let my hands rest on their backs, and I couldn’t contain my joy. Shortly after, when I received my near-instant physical photograph of the moment, I saw Tom had pointed at me. In my mind, it felt as if in his gesture, he meant, hey, look at this cool person. Haha. I couldn’t be further from it.

I would go on to further be uncool in public as I later found myself virtually shaking and almost hyperventilating in line for a one-on-one photo op with Tom. The guy dressed as Kid Flash behind me gave me a few encouragements of the “it’ll be okay” variety. As my turn finally arrived, the lovely man of the hour greeted me with a bright smile in recognition of my Reverse Flash T-shirt (I had done a quick change before this photo op because I had worn a Flash T-shirt for a photo with Grant).

“Great shirt!”

The internet comes up with many hilarious and fitting words, but none such so than the term “Cavanarms.” One of the said Cavanarms found its way around my shoulder in such a casual way. My hand rested on his back, and I have told anyone who will listen about how soft his sweater was. What was approximately a five-second interaction will stay with me forever. And to this day, I will always regret how I’m standing beside him in the picture—there’s a distinguishable gap between us. I could have been closer—should have been!—but I like to use the fact that I felt as if I’d combust into flames if I were any closer to the man.

Maybe I’d have another chance to combust later again that day because, believe it or not, this fan hadn’t had enough of seeing Mr. Cavanagh in person. And since he was appearing at the con for this day only, there was no way I was going to squander any opportunities. Besides, there was still one final thing left on my convention docket: the autograph. In my mind, going to get his autograph was an excuse to get to talk to him and simply be in his presence for longer than five seconds. Here, take my money. I’m a sucker, and I’m proud of it. I saved all year for this kind of thing, and Fan Expo has always been my ultimate nerdy Treat Yoself Day.

Plus, this year I came equipped with a question for Tom (something for which I may have prepared a little too far in advance).

“Which of your characters would win in a lawyering battle: Ed or Miles?”

Miles was Tom’s latest character from his newly released project Darrow & Darrow, a fellow lawyer as Ed Stevens (remember, the man who ruins women’s expectations of men?), whom he portrayed almost two decades prior. What I loved about Tom when I got to ask him this was that he was silent for a moment following the question. He was genuinely putting thought into my question. As he pondered, Tom continued to autograph the photo of us together taken mere hours ago.

“Ed. He would wipe the floor with that other guy. Like, Miles is great, but Ed has a rapier-sharp mind, you know?”

I wholeheartedly agreed with his answer and felt relieved inside for some reason. We thanked each other (as politely as two Canadians can) before I left him to pay attention to the next lucky soul in line. I made the mistake of casting my eyes downward at the signed photo.

Tom had signed two little hearts over the I’s in my name. He really needed to stop adding hearts to my things, or I was just going to melt to the floor. In fact, I started to make these strange noises as I tried not to completely maul everyone in front of me while exiting. My friend ushered me as fast as physically possible on our way out of the main hall. One man took one look at me and asked, “Are you okay?”

No.

“Yep!”

The second I made it out of the herd, I broke out into open space. First came the minor hyperventilating. Then came the squealing followed by laughter. Top it off with various fangirlish comments of, “He’s so beautiful!”, “His eyes are so blue!” and “I love him!” and I was probably quite the sight to see (but at a convention, that’s considered normal!). My friend smiled on as she let me express everything that I had to keep inside until I had the right time to expel my emotions. I was on cloud nine. Ten, if at all possible.

The next day would be the con’s final day, which I would attend alone. My friend needed to catch the ferry in order to prepare for her courses the day after. I did a scan of the convention hall one final time in case there was something I missed purchasing. Afterwards, I sat on the cold hard flooring of the convention centre hallway for a bit of a break. I was wiped out. With my phone in hand, I smiled at the messages from this one Tumblr blogger who had been following my posted adventures at the con. I had seen and replied to many of her comments on my stories I’d written thus far, and I enjoyed her matching enthusiasm for Tom and The Flash in general. I felt her to be a kindred spirit. I had no idea then that I was chatting with one of my future best friends, L.

***

I spotted her.

She was wearing an identical shirt to the one I had on—a light grey T-shirt with a sequinned Spider-Man mask in the corner, which around it read, We met on the Web. A giddy me couldn’t wait for the short escalator ride to end. Her back was to me and facing the baggage claim, so here was my chance to surprise her instead.

I towered over my friend, E, and donned a low, authoritative voice.

“Excuse me, Miss, can you come with me?”

She squealed a greeting to me and I returned it as we hugged for the very first time after two and a half years of online friendship. We would still have about two hours to kill until our mutual Tumblr best friend, L, touched down at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport from across the Pond.

Something I noticed was that E and I carried on talking during our wait like it was second nature, that we hung out like this all the time. Whereas when I met L in person for the first time the year previously, our first meeting was that of quiet, delighted shock, unknowing how to react to one another’s physical presence. It almost felt like a fantasy. The closest thing we’d ever gotten to this was visiting over video chats! I’m not sure what each of these different reactions in these separate meetings meant, but what I do know is that I’ve never had such strong female friendships such as these—so full of uplifting support and love for one another. They are the greatest ladies I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

And as a searching L eventually turned the corner to meet us in the Arrivals terminal, I caught sight of her Tom & Grant bandana tied around the handle to her carry-on bag. It was an item she had received in return for helping fund the short film produced in 2018 (I’d bought the ringtone). Seeing the accessory jolted me to remember that the former of the titular short was the reason for this long-awaited get-together holiday in the Windy City in the first place. Tom Cavanagh, unbeknownst to him, had just officially united three online friends, each from a different country, to spend six full days of in-person bonding and a whole lot of fun.

***

I should have been shelving books.

I should have been doing a lot of library-related tasks, but my head was elsewhere. Anywhere other than the small-town public library where I work. Instead, I sat on the carpeted floor of the Junior/Young Adult section with my phone in hand and a dreadful article title staring back at me.

“The Flash: Carlos Valdes and Tom Cavanagh to Exit after 7 Seasons.”

My world felt like it was falling apart.

Tom was leaving? There had been rumours and wonderings spreading around the fandom regarding whether he was leaving the show. With a storyline ending with a monumental sacrifice and a time-travelling man saying his farewells, it all seemed to point to the fact. I should have known… I could have rivalled Supergirl as being the Paragon of Hope after all the optimism I doled out to my followers and friends who would come to me worried Tom would exit the show. I would always give reasons to deny such a thing could happen, claiming that I’d believe when I saw it.

Well, there it was, and I definitely saw it.

One could feel the ripple effect over the internet of the shards of broken and riled-up hearts around the world.

Tom’s exit was on his terms, having not felt challenged by his character’s plotlines, as mentioned in a recent Entertainment Weekly article. As a viewer—and I am a viewer (Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, anyone?), it has been increasingly difficult to look past the missed shots made by story editors and showrunner, so understandably, the actor would want to seek something more exciting and meatier. That said, Tom has always shone on-screen and taken what he’s been given in stride. He turns unearthed material into diamonds and indeed shines on screen. Steals it, even! Tom easily makes the episodes he’s in better, and when he’s missing, you feel the loss. The few episodes of Season 7 without him only give us a tiny hint at how the show will be without him going forward. It much resembles when you might bring out your favourite jigsaw puzzle, only to find that the one piece you need to complete it isn’t there.

***

On a personal note, as I write this, I am roughly 20 followers away from reaching a milestone of 2,000. I have written well over 200 stories for The Flash alone (whether they be short or long, one-shots or chaptered), and goodness knows how many words I’ve generated altogether over the course of these many years with inspiration from the show and my favourite character. I’ve written and co-written novel-length stories, one monumental Wellsian story of which was done alongside L and E (almost solely done through alternating text messaging in the app, Line) that reached over 108,000 words and consisted of 42 chapters. And when I’m not writing for my blog, I’m also working on trying to accomplish my dream of becoming a published author. Just as I thought before I launched my Tumblr blog, I think again now: Might as well give it a shot, right?

***

I have watched virtually everything Tom has been in that I could get my hands on, both physically and electronically. Sure, a few titles are out of my reach and probably lost to the very early 90's forever, but from what I've seen through Tom's filmography is enough to know that he can do anything. He can play the romantic leading man that will make you fall head over heels for him or a deranged killer that will have you genuinely scared of him. That is talent. Tom always brings something new to the table from each role to the next, and (when he's not playing those psycho killers) you can't help but admire his craft.

Not only is his acting stellar, but from what we as fans have gathered on the man, Tom has got to be one of the kindest men in the business. His humour and sheer ridiculousness could get anyone through a tough time (we’ve seen plenty of bloopers and behind-the-scenes videos to prove this!). He has clearly bottled and stored an endless supply of Fountain of Youth™ and each year continues to wow us with his handsomeness. Tom is charming, dedicated, and yes, arguably holds the world record for Bluest Eyes.

In my eyes, Tom Cavanagh gave me the two best friends I could have ever asked for, as well as plenty more lovely friends I’ve continued to make online. (One day, I hope to meet him again so that I can tell him in person how because of him, I’ve met such very important people in my life). Through Tom, I have truly found my passion for writing, and in doing so, segued me to dare to dream of becoming a published novelist. I wholeheartedly believe all of this would not have happened if it weren’t for those first series of events that led me to meet Tom and love and admire him immensely. He is indisputable proof that there are indeed men like him out there. Indeed, he did ruin all of my future expectations of men. He ruined my life in the absolute best way and I am eternally grateful.

I am very much looking forward to what Tom will do next. I think it’s rather needless to say that I will follow him in his career, as he has gained a devoted fan for life. He represents so much to me and so much of it I have gained since meeting him that fateful day, when I thought to myself, Maybe I should buy this T-shirt and get this guy to sign it. Wherever Tom goes in life, I’ll be here to cheer him on.

I have a pretty good feeling plenty of others will, too.

#i don't exactly want to tag this with his name #but this is a personal essay of sorts regarding tom cavanagh's effect on my life #if you decide to read I hope you enjoy it!

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gallickingun · 3 years

Text

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

#morgan.txt #tw mental health #tw suicide mention #tw discourse #tw drama #THAT’S ALL FOLKS! signing off xx

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caguaydreams · 4 years

Text

A thorough analysis on why Vah Medoh’s dungeon theme makes me want to cry

Yep, that’s an accurate title. Hi there! do you have a moment to hear about Breath of The Wild soundtrack? posting for yet a third time in hopes that tumblr won't hide it. I'm so tired

What started as a quick and harmless post, pretending to simply point out a couple of things, rolled downhill, out of my grasp and turned into a massive snowball of a short essay. How and why did this happen? Well, I assume a lot of people know about this song, and know what I’m talking about when I say that it makes me tear up and sob uncontrollably with every change in key as the seconds tick by and I spiral down into a dwell of misery from where I struggle to find the exit and to later recover.

……No?…..At the VERY LEAST it makes you a little uncomfortable. And I state this with much certainty, because after reading hundreds of comments everywhere online where this song is present, I picked up on a vast majority of people who expressed to feel the same way I did when it came down to our current music subject. See, statistics don’t lie… normally. So, naturally, my intrigue got the best of me. I wanted to find out exactly why this soundtrack was mercilessly stirring up everyone’s emotions, so I caved in and we ended up with this.

Buckle in, fellas.

Out of all Divine Beasts’ dungeon themes, Vah Medoh’s is the one that I can’t sit through. Not without growing antsy and wanting to turn it off as soon as possible. I find it genuinely difficult to listen to, and it’s not only because Revali is my favorite character and the song is just, plainly put, depressing, mind you.

We’ll start from 0 terminals activated.

It opens up similar to the other three dungeon themes; the pace is slow but eerie, gives off the impression that it sounds broken somehow. Something is off here, and it’s easy to figure out what that is from the get go: you’re basically entering a majestic, ancient, mechanical mausoleum, where everything went terribly wrong a century ago. Someone is gone, someone you knew, someone who was probably close to you, but it’s impossible to be sure. You don’t remember a thing, and this entire ordeal is confusing at best, and terrifying at worst. It’s your duty to make things right again.

It’s the same for all four Divine Beasts upon entering, save for the obvious little differences that separates them from each other and make them unique. Ruta’s is played on a major key, adhering to a sense of hopefulness. Naboris’s begins with a startling smashing of the piano keys, much like thunder of a sudden lighting strike. And Rudania’s theme starts threatening, dangerous, like scalding lava.

But now, back to Vah Medoh. The tone here is… alienating. The dissonant chords are all over the place, and feel disconnected, cold. It’s almost as if someone doesn’t want us to be here, or just like the elusive key, our presence is unexpected. Fitting, for a Divine Beast that’s high above the land, impossible for most to reach, yet we somehow made it. Apart from the piano, we have the occasional hint to rito culture, in the shape of a short, synthetic version of the rolled chords at the very beginning of Rito Village. A quiet reminder of where we come from. There is also, of course, the morse code distress signal, but we’ll talk more about that later.

As soon as this formal introduction is over, we finally get to the more, say, intimate stuff. Oh, and wouldn’t you know, it’s just tragic.

One terminal activated.

There’s no better short way I can describe this passage, other than anxiety-inducing. Especially when the strings come into play, and there’s two reasons I can think of why I feel this is an important thing to point out:

1- Characters and Symbolism.

I tend to associate stringed instruments, all of those which compose the violin family, with rito culture. And Revali, most specifically. In Creating a Champion we can see the early concept art and designs for all or most major characters in the game, and Revali’s highlighted rough design might be the one that changed the most throughout proper development of the character, out of all champions. He looks quite different from our usual depiction of him, it’s fascinating. What truly catches my eye, however, is the design of his bow.

You thought bird puns were bad? Oh boy, how do you feel about Revali having a bow that looks like a violin/cello/viola??? And do you need a bow to play it also??? Like, is it even an instrument or it’s nothing more than a mere fashion statement?-

Anyway. I believe this was originally going to be a not-so-subtle wink to rito culture, being heavily musically inclined as we can see and conclude for ourselves. Perhaps Revali was going to be a musician as well, now how cool it that!

Needless to say, the idea was eventually scrapped. But one detail I am CERTAIN carried over to the character we know and love today(okay not all of us love him but seriously if you dislike him why are you still here lol): strings. The association between bows(weapon) and stringed instruments, aside from being a quite clever and creative one, goes beyond the concept art and remains strong as part of Revali’s character, settling for having a presence via score. After all, Revali is a master of archery, so in that way it makes sense to keep strings as symbolism to reinforce the idea and drive it home.

But can you guess what other thing Revali excels at? That’s right: flying. He’s the only rito we know of who successfully managed to take advantage of wind currents and bend them to his will. And do you know what musical instruments are often used to evoke the feeling of flight and gale? If you thought of bowed strings, you’re correct! Unfortunately, I couldn’t find much support on this topic online, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I am most certain that this is fact, although not something worth discussing on the Internet, by the looks of it.

Anyhow, violins/cellos/etc are ever-present whenever we’re close to Rito Village or dealing with a rito related mission. Attack on Vah Medoh, for example, features a sequence of strings that is meant to evoke the strong winds we’re fighting against in that particular moment(*). Another great example is The Final Trial, the song that plays at the shrine of resurrection nearing the end of the Champions’ Ballad. Preceding the activation of each terminal, you’ll notice that a new instrumental element joins the crowd: the first one corresponds to the tambourines, related to the zora and Mipha; the second one are strings, referencing the rito and Revali, etc. I tell you, the moment I heard this during the trial I almost started crying like a baby. And, although strings have a lot to do with Rito culture in general, they tie most strongly to Revali, since he was the champion of his people, and his legacy carried over throughout the years. His accomplishments became material of folk tale, a legend, a source of pride and inspiration for the village. And let’s not forget that, at the end of the day, Revali is the crucial and foremost connection Link has to this place. Other than appeasing Vah Medoh, Link’s responsibility here is to free his past fellow champion’s spirit from Ganon’s malice. The soundtrack is referencing Revali first, and by extension his devotion to his home.

With all that in mind, let’s move on to our next point:

2- Nowhere to Go.

You shoot the canons, land on top of the Divine Beast, do what you gotta do, activate the first terminal and the soundtrack goes off unannounced. Like some sort of surprise anxiety bomb. The rhythm turns fast, the melody erratic, incredibly desperate in its execution. There’s this sheer despair, fear, this feeling of suffocation almost, which are so well achieved in this particular piece.

And that is, partially, because a quite familiar resource is used here as well; one that we’ve heard before in songs such as Rito Village or Revali’s theme. You could even think of it as a motif: two notes are played in an semitone interval, repeatedly and in quick succession. For the sake of later convenience, we’ll call this the Flight Motif, now let me explain why. In Breath of The Wild, this semitone loop is often followed up by some form of resolution. In Rito Village, formerly known as Dragon Roost Island(**), that resolution consists of a graceful descent of the melody, from a high that was built up previously during the motif. On the other hand, if you listen to Revali’s theme, you’ll notice that the interval repeats itself for a couple of times as thought charging up, to then rise fast and determined into a triumphal reprise of Revali’s distinctive assigned melody. This juxtaposition supposes the difference that lays between common rito flight and Revali’s trademark ability; both musical sequences are speaking of flight, albeit in two different languages depending on the way to achieve it. While the rito traditionally use their wings to glide and let themselves get swayed by the air currents Buzz Lightyear style, Revali takes full advantage of his flying capabilities to somehow create an updraft of his own, rising meters above the ground whenever he likes or needs to.

So, now that I layed out my base of thought when focusing on the strings, this’ll be much easier to explain. We’ve settled what the instruments themselves are a symbolic representation of Revali, in this scenario specifically. He was the only one inside Vah Medoh, and the score is, in a way, a retelling of what we can vaguely assume went down here during the Great Calamity, as much as it is what sets the tone and ambience for Link’s mission. But what are we hearing exactly? What we talked about, the Flight Motif, is being repeated nonstop. And that’s the thing, remember how I mentioned that this sequence usually finds resolution at the end? Well. Inside Vah Medoh,… it never does. The melody picks up in numerous occasions, but it’s not nearly as graceful, or calculated, as we’ve grown used to by now. It gets tangled and lost, and then inevitably falls to the ground in disarray. The pattern repeats itself, reaching higher after a handful of failed attempts, but no matter how much it tries, the cycle never ends. What used to tell us about flying and freedom in the skies, has morphed into an almost sinister musical incarnation of a tornado, and there is no way out of this trap. What do you think it must feel like to mindlessly flap your wings against wind currents so strong and violent, that it is impossible to get anywhere nearby, let alone take off every time you lose your balance. Or every time you’re shot down. On top of that, trying to aim and fight back in whatever short breaks and opportunities you get, at an enemy that’s much more powerful and relentless, who’s using your own element as a weapon to destroy you… it’s a risk Revali surely had to take in order to put up a fight. Even knowing full well that the odds were not in his favour, that he was most likely going to lose this battle, that he was going to die. Let that sink in. I’ll skip the activation of the second terminal, since there’s barely any change registered in the theme in general. So-

Three terminals activated.

I know this post is supposed to be a breakdown of the song purely, but that doesn’t mean there’s no place for a little theorising, and the following scrutiny is also quite relevant for our discussion. Bear with me for a bit. I’ve read almost everywhere about people’s most common interpretations on the Divine Beasts SOS signals, and how everyone thinks that Revali’s coming in last (a few seconds later than the other champions) has to do with him holding on for longer. Or, also, overconfident as he was, it means that the idea of calling out for additional support didn’t cross his mind until it was too late, and that’s why the beeping sounds more frantic and panicked than the others’ when it does appear. After giving it some thought myself, I’m betting on the latter option holding more ground, and that’s not all. I want to touch upon a detail of the piece that I never acknowledged was there until very recently(after seeing myself obliged to listen to this song fully and a handful of times, suffering every minute of it for the sole purpose of this analysis. It’s okay I didn’t need my heart anyway). Soon after activating the third terminal, the SOS signal disappears, or grows distant and faint enough that we can’t make it out from the background anymore. In its place, we’re confronted by this… shrill, piercing and painfully slow tune. It sounds synthetic, artificial, devoid of life. And it’s funny, because you know what it reminds me of? I’ll tell you:

A heartbeat flatline sound.

And I want to highlight that this doesn’t happen in any of the other Divine Beasts themes. All their SOS signals carry on, but Medoh’s is no more. This abrupt stop, followed by this bone-chilling tune…. makes me believe that Revali was the first of the champions to fall. A few days ago I came across SuperZeldaGirl’s video on a similar topic, theorising that this could very much be the case. There is not much evidence to support this claim other than some visual cues that could be suggesting to it, but after I found this in the soundtrack, and if we’re to rely on it for anything, I believe Revali was either the first champion to be ambushed by Ganon, or well…. the first to be killed. It is plausible, because short after Calamity Ganon unleashes his power, Revali parts from the group and flies directly to Vah Medoh, and he very well could’ve been the first pilot to arrive.

On this note…. we’ll have to wait and see for ourselves, when Age of Calamity provides long-awaited answers to many of our questions.

Four terminals activated.

An interesting melody is being played on what, for me, would qualify as a glockenspiel or a celesta, which are keyboard based instruments that produce a sound similar to that of a music box(***). If you want to pay more attention to it, I suggest listening to Vetrom’s Instrumental Mix Cover of the theme, where they practically zoom in on this part of the song (keep in mind that it uses the All Terminals’ time signature so it’s being played faster). For some reason, this particular addition makes me feel profound empathy. The sound of this instrument could be described as cute or childlike, magical, even. It is more often than not used to represent innocence, but I highly doubt that’s specifically the intention here. Much like the leading strings’ melody, the melodic contour of this one is trapped in a loop of going up and down constantly, but the difference is that this time around it sounds more under control. And much more uniform too. It doesn’t lose focus or takes risky, fruitless leaps, but rather chooses to stay on a path of waves that consistently rises and falls without taking detours. Like a determined battle strategy, giving it your all. You fall, but get back up again, and try again, and again. It reminds me of Revali’s approach to training, being persistent to the point of overworking himself. He had discipline nailed down to a tee, which I also think served him well in combat. It’s not just about being hard on yourself, either, but being confident and having complete faith in your abilities; believing that you’ll make it. For this to appear now, that the SOS signal is almost completely gone, is significant because it means that by this point, being so close to success on Link’s behalf, the music is sparing genuine encouragement for once, in spite of the tragic outcome of the past and the danger of the current situation. But, in all honesty, this is probably just me reading too much into it. Perhaps the composer just thought this addition sounded pretty bitching and there’s not much else to it, which is completely fine. Although, intentional or not, sometimes coincidences do happen, and at the end of the day, interpretations like this are a form of appreciation for an artist’s work and for what they can unknowingly accomplish.

All terminals activated.

This is the moment when the song finally lightens up. Notice how the strings abandon the wave pattern for a more even contour. The beat quickens, the melody stabilizes. At first I thought, coming from our flight analogy, that this meant a cease in movement entirely, and it was partly one of the reasons why the song in general makes me anxious. But thinking about it now, …there is something different going on here. The strings are playing on a steady rhythm. It resembles a march, it’s like a pounding heart. It’s a lively, hopeful statement. And what’s interesting is that, up until this point, there was so much fear and helplessness present in the score, even going as far as to reach a dead end when we activate the third terminal. But that’s it, isn’t it? the music just keeps going further.

It’s saying: this isn’t over yet. Even after complete and utter defeat, there’s still hope and an underlying wish to overcome this predicament, and we started to hear this as soon as a fourth terminal is activated. The melody we previously talked about? it’s here as well, and its beat is much more daring and confident.

And I just want to say… this is so powerful. Because this sentiment is deeply tied to the game’s story and Revali’s character arc. You see, he is introduced as someone who resents Link for being the manifestation of his failure, in a way, because Revali has trained arduously his whole life to be where he is, to be recognised. And yet… this hylian gets chosen by a magic sword and some tale of divine destiny and, apparently, that’s all it takes for him to be deemed the hero that will save the land. In Revali’s eyes, Link has done nothing to prove his worth before him, so it is easy to see why he despises the silent knight so much; he is yet another individual that was born into their destiny. Meanwhile, Revali has had to build his reputation from the ground up, earning him a place among the greatest warriors of Hyrule, and even then he finds himself surrounded by people who grew up praised for being born gifted. We can see how Revali is the odd one out, and can map out the reason for him acting so antagonistic towards Link.

But once we’re on Medoh, things start to change. When Link enters the Divine Beast, Revali greets him with disdain, as per usual. Of course, Link has no recollection of whatever happened a hundred years ago, other than a small glimpse of the rito champion talking down to him, a memory that came and went in a flash. So as Link, we more than expect Revali to act cold and mocking, which he does. He provides us with as little help as needed in order to free Medoh, reluctantly, shielding his wounded pride over having to wait for Link, of all people, to come to their rescue. But you can hear him starting to open up bit by bit(I wish I could translate his dialogue directly from Japanese but I’ll make do with a couple of dubs and other numerous sources from translators online). With each little step Link takes towards success, activating the terminals, the perception Revali has of him shifts from one of resentment to one of genuine admiration and respect. By the end of it all, he is willing to not only cheer on Link during the boss battle, but to trust him with his life’s worth achievement. And once left alone, he admits defeat and lets go of his bitterness, realising that he was wrong to underestimate Link, and later wishes he could’ve had a chance to measured up to him. To take all of this into consideration and work with it in the soundtrack I think it’s genuinely splendid. And for once, I am grateful that it ends in somewhat of a positive note that puts my soul to rest. I still have a hard time listening to the first two thirds of the entire thing, but now I can look forward to a hopeful and earnestly heartening conclusion for all the pain that this composition puts me in. I must admit that it’s beautifully and brilliantly crafted, and that I am enamoured of it regardless.

That is why I wrote roughly 4k words about it! I hate myself!

If you’re as crazy as me about the soundtrack of this game, I recommend you read the published cd interview with the composers themselves! if you haven’t already. I just found it yesterday(unbelievable but it’s true) and… after writing all of this and checking it out, I felt validated. It sure is a one of a kind feeling.

Alright folks, we’ve made it to the end. Congratulations for sticking around and thanks being interested in my nonsensical rambling!

I also hope that you, like me, will now be unable to listen to bowed strings without being reminded of Revali. Good luck!

————– Annotations/Sidenotes/Whatever

(*)The Flight Motif(in point number 2) is also present in this track. We can hear it in the background right after the Rito leitmotif, as per usual. It starts with a clarinet, I think, before the strings take the lead. (**) Note that the Flight Motif only comes into play in the Breath of The Wild rendition of the song. (***)I strongly associate this instrument with Mipha, given that it is used in her theme, in every “response” to the initial melody. It can be heard in Attack On Vah Ruta, as well, it enters the scene when the notes Mi(E) and Fa(F) are played. The initial tune, Si and Do(B and C) are played on a clarinet or oboe, wind instruments just like the flute that leads Sidon’s respective theme. The celesta can also be heard inside Vah Ruta, activating the first terminal…. when the song really takes a turn just like Medoh’s. Mipha has nothing to do with the song of this analysis, however. We must understand that instruments, although they are attached to characters/various story elements in some cases, can always be used outside of that context, for that is the nature of an orchestral soundtrack. If you have this many tools at your disposal, you will make good use of them.

#Revali #Vah Medoh #botw #loz #aoc

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slightlyrebelliouswriter23 · 3 years

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Hi Em✨

I absolutely love your writing and your posts and I’ve been following you for a while now💕

I’m not sure about you but I feel quite uneasy/conflicted with the current rhetoric on book tok. I understand people not liking certain books but it’s been hard to see people slander books and the people that like those books/characters/stories,etc. I get that criticism is needed for certain themes or values that appear in books but reading is loosing some of its escapism for me:(

Reading in context (fictionally and in the real world) is always needed but sometimes I just like a book because of the characters or it’s story and not necessarily that it checks all the boxes for being perfect.

Tbh, as much as I love certain books, some of them have become tainted for me and I genuinely wish I didn’t I read other people’s opinions on them.

Book tok is great for reccs but I can’t even filter it out of my feed at this point. I kinda wish toxic fandoms also looked inwardly because as much fun it is to engage with fans and people that are apart of that fandom, some people take it way too far such as sending hateful anons to creators (such as you🥺) or calling books trash when they’ve been super influential or important to people.

I guess my little rant is over but I was wondering if you had any opinions on this or have any sort of guidance. Is there a place I could get reccs or how can avoid all of this rhetoric that can affect my view of a book.”?

Stay safe and have a good day✨💐

hi there, nonnie! thank you so much for the kind words, i really appreciate you 🥺❤️❤️

first off, i want to say that i 100% understand this. i never really got into booktok specifically because i had a feeling it was basically going to be book twitter 2.0 where everyone is just ripping into each other constantly. i don't like being influenced by other people's opinions either, and the drama that seems to be obligatory baggage for most fandoms these days (with the exception of TFOTA, cos for some reason we are extraordinarily chill) just isn't for me.

it is, of course, essential that we continue to think critically when it comes to media. it's the only way we can affect change in a positive direction. but this also must be balanced with a willingness to be humble with our opinions, understand that they are just opinions, and accept that everyone consumes media for different reasons.

this also means we'll all hold different boundaries about what we're willing to consume, and where we draw the line for things we won't consume. granted, books might be the mirror through which we see life reflected, but they are not reality itself. to a certain extent, fiction is fiction. and different boundaries does not a bad person make.

speaking of drawing lines, i'm going to direct you to this post by @bookofmirth , which is mainly about ACOTAR/SJM/Palestine but some of what they have to say there is very applicable to this topic, and eloquently put:

"Some people can separate art from artist. Some can't. It's up to all of us as individuals to draw that line where we are comfortable."

i agree with this statement wholeheartedly. it is not up to randomgal4549 on tiktok/twitter to decide what eye should or should not read. the unmitigated gall of anyone to think their opinion should dictate other people's choices is highly presumptuous and quite frankly exhausting.

apart from maybe the bible/other religious texts, what a person reads is not a reflection of who they are or what beliefs they hold. we need to learn not to conflate the two, and start regarding each other once more as humans with complex thoughts and feelings, capable of introspection and growth, instead of little icons on our phone screens with immovable and absolute beliefs.

so that's my opinion on that. my main advice to you would be KEEP THINGS ORGANISED. what i mean by that is this:

curate your social media experience! it is YOUR responsibility as an owner of any social media account (including tumblr) to customise your space to fit YOUR needs. if you don't like someone's opinion/content? unfollow. if someone is rude/you don't like their vibe? block. if you find the things someone shares to their socials offensive? unfriend. this is setting boundaries, and the people who take any of these things as a personal offence are the exact people you want to keep a healthy distance away from. you decide who you follow and what you see on your dash. be protective of your space and who you allow to have access to your energy.

keep personal feelings separate from the public! i honestly can't stress this point enough. if you feel the need to rant about something that irks you about a specific book/author/person's opinion, keep these discussions in the DMs with a trusted circle of friends. it is psychologically proven that when someone feels attacked, they will double down on their og opinion, no matter if they realise they're wrong. thus, projecting high-strung emotions into public spaces such as twitter, while understandable in some cases, will only serve to further polarise people and hurt the very movement you're likely trying to bolster. blow off steam with people you can entrust with your emotions. NOT strangers on the internet.

designate time to learning about issues that are important to you! i strongly advise against turning to any fictional medium for moral lessons or life advice. if you can dedicate some time outside of your escapism to inform yourself about important subjects through educational resources that are specifically designed to Teach/Impart Knowledge, instead of giving an ounce of thought to Intrinsically Biased Information Received Second Hand, i promise you you'll feel a whole lot less obligated to other people's opinions.

if you're unsure about a particular book/author, consider borrowing from your local library, purchasing the book second hand, or finding an ePub copy.

for recs, consider booktube. i know it's probably seen as a bit old school by now, but the great thing about youtube is that you're not randomly/unexpectedly subjected to other people's shit opinions like on other social platforms. you have to click a link to watch the video, which gives you more autonomy in regards to what opinions you consume. my personal favourite youtuber is Khadija Mbowe. she's not a booktuber, per se, but her content focuses on in-depth critical analysis of media/society through the lense of WOC (specifically Black women), and i find her channel compelling as well as informative.

goodreads is also a great place to find book recs without the constant influx of opinions. if you can find yourself a circle of trusted friends to follow on there, you can't go wrong. my goodreads is linked in my bio under "connect" and you're welcome to follow me there. or not! it's your choice.

–Em 🖤🗡

#this is incredibly long i'm so sorry 🙈#on mobile so i can't add a cut #discoursey #like i realise it's probably gotten worse recently with the pandemic and more screen time #but i honestly wouldn't touch most fandoms with a 12 foot pole #it's too messy for me #of course i still read and enjoy books that have fandoms. i just don't get involved #TFOTA is my one exception and even we have our days lmao #you have to do what's healthy for you. and if that means leaving tiktok/twitter altogether? DO IT. you won't regret it i promise #i quit twitter facebook and instagram in 2018 and it's the best decision i ever made #i love you nonnie i hope this helped 🥺❤️#thanks for the ask!! 💜#asked and answered #em answers #nonnie #long post

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