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let-it-raines · 5 years

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Catch Me If You Can (14/?)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

A/n: So I got the impression that you guys were excited about the last chapter? I didn’t think it was too slow of a burn until I realized how many words were in the first 13 chapters. lol. Anyways, here’s some more words and a lot more feelings shared. All my thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke ❤️

AO3: Beginning | Current

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Tag list: @galaxyzxstark @eala-captian @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings @thejollyroger-writer

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Killian’s tracing the words “I love you” into Emma’s back. It’s a risky move, something he shouldn’t do, but he started doing this without truly realizing it. And then he couldn’t stop.

He loves her.

He loves her so much that he can feel it in every inch of his body, from the pounding of his heart to the emotion stuck in his throat and the way that his foot keeps tracing up and down her calves. Logically, he knew this was happening. There was no way that he couldn’t. He knew it was happening by the way that he spends his days wanting to see her, wanting to make her smile. He knew it was happening by the way that her laugh makes happiness settle in his stomach, and he knew that it was happening by the way that he’s wanted to tell her everything about his day and everything about the days where she didn’t know him.

All of the signs were there, all of the knowledge, but there’s nothing quite like when the moment hits you and you know that you’re in love.

Cheesy, sentimental sap that he is.

But Emma makes him feel in a way that he hasn’t in years, and while that should terrify him, all it does is make him smile to himself whenever he thinks about her.

Maybe he’s a sap because he’s sated, their lovemaking overwhelming and wonderful and so damn satisfying even if it was the first time with a new person, or maybe it’s because he’s got his girlfriend with him in his bed when he keeps missing her no matter how often they seem to run in the same circles.

Dating in secret is difficult when all he’d like to do is kiss her before a game and carry that kiss with him through every pitch.

He’s in love, and he can’t tell her, not yet. She’s not ready. That much, he can most definitely tell. Emma is the one who has to set the pace here, not him.

So he’ll carry it with him like he has from the moment that he realized he loved her when they were on the flight to Toronto four days ago. Emma was sitting two rows in front of him, the side of her face in his vision, and he kept watching he animatedly talk with her hands to Ruby, the two of them laughing so much that several of his teammates looked forward to see what was happening.

She was happy, the light evident on her face, and his stomach settled as he thought of her completely in her element and how nice that was to see.

That’s when it all clicked.

He loves her.

It’s funny how such a small moment could make him realize everything.

Asking her out, that first time, is still something he’s not proud of for how it negatively impacted Emma, but selfishly, he’s thankful for how it’s turned out for him…for the both of them.

Having her here in his arms is everything.

Soft lips (her lips are so damn soft) are pressed against his chest and up the hollow of his throat, and he feels the smoothness of Emma’s skin moving against his. Watching her move above him in the dim lighting of his room, firm muscles mixing in with the soft curves of her breasts and her hips, had been the most glorious sight he’d ever seen, and he most definitely plans on seeing it again.

Tonight.

And in the morning.

As much as he possibly can.

Her moving above him and him moving within her…magnificent.

“You’re comfortable,” Emma sighs into his shoulder, and he twists his head to look down at her as his fingers keep moving, this time in undetermined patterns instead of three specific words. “And your winter coat could keep a family of four warm.”

She pats his chest then, her fingers threading into the thick patch of hair, and he chuckles as his lips press into her nose.

“It’d be too bloody painful to wax all of that hair off, so it’s staying.”

“You would look weird without it.”

“Thanks, darling.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Aye, I do.” Her fingers mess with his hair some more, weirdly calming his heartbeat, and when she grabs onto the chain with his mother’s ring, he lets her, the silver reflected in the light. “What else would you be able to grab onto when you’re riding me like earlier?”

“Dirty,” she mock gasps, kissing his shoulder.

“I try.”

They lapse into a comfortable silence, one he wouldn’t trade for anything, and he wonders if he should dip his head and start kissing her again as his body hums with anticipation in what could be or if he should fall into sleep when Emma makes the decision for him by speaking.

“Did it…can I ask you about something?” Emma whispers.

“Anything.”

“You’re probably going to regret that.”

“I promise I won’t.”

Emma nods her head, her nose brushing under his collarbone, before she’s dragging her foot up his calf so that a shiver runs down his spine. He might regret talking when it means they can’t be doing other things. “Why haven’t you been pictured with a woman in so long when you used to get pictured with one every other night? I don’t mean to – it’s a dumb question. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no,” he promises even as a heavy weight settles in his stomach, anchoring him to his spot as his mind races for an answer when he’s always known the truth. “It’s fine, love. You deserve to know.”

“Not if you don’t want to share,” Emma insists, her eyes pleading with him.

She’s nervous. She thinks she’s overstepped, but she hasn’t. He loves her, and she doesn’t know some of the biggest parts of his life. They have all of the time in the world to share, but he’s feeling so open tonight that he wants to share now.

There’s the chance that her mind could change after this, but he thinks that if anyone can understand a broken heart, it’s Emma. Or he at least has this hope.

“When I was twenty-two,” he starts, fiddling his fingers against his chest as he takes a deep breath to calm himself, “I met Milah. She was…she meant so much to me, and I very quickly fell in love with her. It was a whirlwind, I think. Looking back, it’s easy to see that, but at the time, it felt like I never could have enough moments with her. I – ”

He stumbles for words, his mind not sure how to tell the story. He’s never had to relay his heartbreak like this, and he thinks Emma knows from the way she threads their fingers together and then rests their joined hands on his chest.

“You okay?” She whispers the words, but he hears them loud and clear.

“Yeah, love. I’m fine.” He smiles down at her before looking at the ceiling, finding it easier not to have to look into those eyes of hers. “Milah was married. I didn’t – I didn’t know at first, and by the time that I did, I was so in love that I didn’t care. So, I made do with the fact that she had this other life for another year until she showed up at my apartment and told me that she was ending us so that she could focus on her husband and her son that I didn’t know about. It was…the hardest thing I’d been through after my mom and my father, and I just…I lost it, Emma. I thought we were going to get married. I had this foolish hope that things would work out for us, and I couldn’t even hate her for leaving me because who was I to keep a family apart when I would have given anything to grow up with happy parents? I don’t know – I hope she’s happy, that her son is happy too.”

“When did you two break up exactly?” Emma asks quietly, still very obviously unsure of how to act in this situation.

“Four years ago.”

He watches the lightbulb go off in Emma’s head, watches her eyes widen and her lips part, and he’s glad that she’s figured it out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.

“Killian, all of the partying and drinking and sleeping around – that was because you were heartbroken, wasn’t it? You were trying to cope?”

“Yes.”

And then Emma’s shifting, her body moving away from his, and his heart nearly shatters at the thought of her leaving him already when he sees that she’s simply moving on the bed, sitting with her back straight and her legs crossed over the other as she stares down at him, only half of her breasts covered with the white comforter. Something about that makes him chuckle. It’s like the fact that an hour ago his mouth was lavishing her there, and now she’s covering herself.

Funny how things change.

“I’m sorry,” she sighs, genuine remorse painted on her features. “That’s really fucked up, and I’m sorry for any remarks I’ve made about it in the past. That was…you should be able to do whatever the hell you want, and I’m sorry that you’ve been crucified for simply trying to live your life. I don’t – you didn’t deserve to have your heart broken like that.”

“I don’t think anyone deserves to have their heart broken.”

“Eh,” Emma scoffs as she pushes her hair back, the comforter falling around her waist. “I would say my exes most definitely deserve to have their hearts broken. Assholes can have their hearts broken.”

He can’t help but laugh at her and the casual way that she says this, a slight shrug of her shoulders. There’s something so effortless in the way that Emma acts even when he does know that she’s calculated and guarded. It’s a bit disarming, but then again, so is Emma.

“You want to share horror stories with me tonight? Or have I already dampened the mood too much?”

Her brows furrow together, lips pursing, and then she’s learning forward and taking both of his hands in hers, gently squeezing. “Hey, no. I know I’m not the best at words and feelings, but how you feel is how you feel. That’s not something to be ashamed about. You had what sounds like a really great love that had a bad ending for you, and it’s okay to be upset or hurt or sentimental. I think that’s pretty human actually.”

“And who said you weren’t good with words and feelings?”

“Every man I have ever dated.”

“I’ve never said that.”

“Just wait.” She holds her hands up before crawling over the mattress and standing on the floor, the curves on her backside on full display to him as she rummages through his bag to pull out his Vandy sweatshirt, the one that she seems to have a fondness for. He has a fondness for the way that it falls just below her ass. “Sorry, I was cold.” “You just wanted to steal my sweatshirt. You don’t have to lie.”

Emma winks before crawling back into bed and getting back under the covers with him, only the smallest bit of space between them. “Exactly. So, you want to hear about the shitty exes who broke my heart?”

The part of him that wants to know every part of Emma is desperate to know all of the things that make her tick, but he’s also not sure how he can hear about men mistreating Emma and breaking her heart. He can’t understand how anyone could do that to her.

But if they’re sharing tonight and she truly wants to…

“Only if you feel like sharing. We don’t have to do the whole tit for tat thing every time we share something dark.” Emma nods, her bottom lip tugged between her teeth. “I think I feel more comfortable doing it that way, if I’m honest. It makes me feel…less screwed up, I guess.”

“Share away then, Swan.”

“Okay,” she sighs, messing with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “There’s this guy, Walsh. He’s actually, like, in a room on the floor below us because he works with me, and we dated for maybe a year.” Her brow raises like she’s doing the math in her head, and it’s cuter than it should be when he already knows that this story isn’t going well. “I’m not sure if I loved him, but I think I almost did. He went through so much of my career with me, was there when I got the job working for the Yankees, and I don’t know – it was such a happy time in my life that I didn’t see the signs when I should have.”

“Signs of what?”

“Cheating. And belittling me for my job, making me feel like I was less of a journalist or wasn’t good enough to do the job. And, I mean, obviously the fact that he was fucking someone else hurt me, but I think all of the little comments hurt worse because I’d already been through all of that before.”

This guy is a fucking bastard, and he doesn’t deserve Emma. No one who treats her like that does.

“From all of the asshole men who have demeaned you for your job?” he prods, trying to encourage her in her story.

“Yeah, kind of, but mostly just the one,” she mumbles, her eyes shying away from him. He doesn’t blame her for that. He did the same thing. He also knows that he felt infinitely better when Emma reached for his hand, so he does the same, twining their fingers together and resting them in the mattress between them, the both of them looking ahead as Emma talks. “There are a lot of reasons why I’m so passionate about being treated fairly in my job. For one, it’s because it’s what is right and fair. But also, it’s because when I was at NYU, I started dating Neal. I was still…I was struggling with accepting love from pretty much anyone other than David, so when he came around and treated me nicely and made me laugh and was just this really fun guy who made me feel good, I fell for him. I – ”

She takes a deep breath, and he squeezes her hand, trying to encourage her that it’s alright. They’re two people with complicated pasts, ones that never seem to be fully out there, and she’s not alone in all of this.

A part of him wants to tell her that he loves her and that it’s okay, but that would send Emma running all the way back to New York. She may have feelings for him and be in this with him, but there’s such a thing as heightened emotions and too much too quickly.

All the time in the world, he reminds himself. They have all the time in the world.

“I didn’t realize it first, you know? They say that love is blind, and I feel like this is what people mean by that. I didn’t realize that he was belittling me for my major or my job. I didn’t realize that he was telling me that my job wasn’t for women, that I couldn’t do it, that I wouldn’t be good enough for it. And then it spread into other aspects of my life. Neal told me that Ruth and David, that they weren’t my family, that they didn’t love me. He was the only one who loved me and could take care of me. I was with him for four years, and he has me so convinced that I was worthless that I believed it. Thinking back on it…God, I was a fucking idiot, and I hate that it still impacts so much of my life today. I still struggle with how I see Ruth despite the fact that I know that I love her. I still struggle every time someone thinks I only have my job because I’m attractive and that I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. I still – I’ve let Neal affect every aspect of my life, and he didn’t even stick around for me to break up with him. He just…he left one day and never came back like he was some kind of ghost.”

Fucking hell.

No. Just no.

Screw all of that. Emma doesn’t deserve any of that, doesn’t deserve to have been treated like shit by so many people. The fact that she still trusts anyone is most likely a miracle, and he can’t even believe what he just had to hear.

Every single bit of him is angry, furious really. So much about her clicked together for him just now. She’s never been given her credit, never been given her due, when it comes to her career, because she’s been belittled this entire time. He was someone who belittled her, even if he didn’t intend to, and of all of that added to everything she’s already gone through.

Personally and professionally, Emma Swan has been demeaned, and he can’t decide if he’d rather hug her or go out and punch the daylights out of her ex-boyfriends and every other person who has hurt her.

But none of this is about him at the end of the day.

It’s about Emma.

Sighing a deep sigh, he brings Emma’s hand to his lips and kisses each knuckle before sliding down in the bed and encouraging her to move with him so that they face each other, their joined hands in between their chests and his right hand on her hip, thumb rubbing circles into her skin.

The tears in her eyes make them all the more green.

“You, darling,” he begins, his voice quiet even if he was intending for it to be louder, “are one of the bravest, strongest people that I’ve ever met. Seriously. You’re a badass, and you’re also kind and quite frankly, hysterical.”

“I mean, I am hilarious.”

“Exactly.” He winks at her, and a smile curves over her lips. It’s soft, but it’s there. “I don’t know how anyone could ever treat you like you’re not worth everything. It’s unfathomable to me. Those men, every single one who has hurt you, are in the wrong, and they never deserved you. The fact that you’re open to letting other people in your heart after all of that astounds me.”

“You did kind of have to convince me.”

“You asked me out, Swan.”

“Technically you asked first.”

That sobers him for a moment while his heart sinks. “I’m sorry about that again. It goes at the top of my asshole moments.”

“Hey, hey,” she soothes, inching a bit closer to him so that he can feel her warmth and smell the vanilla that’s still in her hair, “I forgave you for that. We’ve worked it out. I don’t know why I’m crazy enough to give you, us, a shot, but I am. You don’t have to apologize anymore. We’re moving past that, okay?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Completely” There’s a squeeze of his hand, and it rights his heart. “I think we’re actually doing pretty good at this relationship thing, if I’m honest. Did you know we have all of our serious conversations when in a bed?”

“That’s the best place to have them.”

“Is it?”

“Mhm,” he hums, trailing his hand up her body so that he can run his fingers over her cheeks, feeling the soft skin there as she smiles, “because we can either go to sleep afterward or have sex or even have just a bit of a cuddle.”

“Why not all three?”

“I like the way you think, Swan.”

And then he’s leaning in to guide his mouth over hers, something soft and timid that quickly escalates into a rough and dirty kiss. This is not at all how he expected his night to go, but then Emma showed up at the pool when he was trying to work out some of the kinks in his shoulder, and everything has spiraled from there.

No part of him regrets it.

It’s been one of the most intimate nights of his life, physically and emotionally, and he’d like to stay wrapped up in it as his body climbs over Emma’s. His teeth drag across her bottom lip, enjoying the little sounds that she’s making, and their hips roll together. He’s still bare of clothes while she’s only in his sweatshirt, and his fingers mess with the hem, pulling it higher and higher so he can get that feeling of skin against skin.

He hasn’t had enough. He needs more.

Their first time, just under two hours ago, comes back to him in flashes, and while he knows that they were hurried and desperate, it also felt like the moment lasted forever. He got to explore her body as she got to explore his, but they need more and more time.

Not right now.

It doesn’t take long before he’s hard and wanting, desperate to feel Emma’s warmth wrapped around him again, and his fingers deftly toy with her, riling her up as she writhes underneath him, more keening whines escaping her lips until she tells him that she needs more, that she needs him.

He reaches over for the package of foil, ripping it open and sliding it on himself, before he slowly sheaths himself inside of her, biting onto the side of her neck hard enough to leave a bruise. It’s perfect, the way she feels around him, tight and warm and wet, and he has to center himself before he slowly starts rocking within her, pleasure already trickling up and down his spine.

“Divine,” he murmurs into her neck as his hips flex and his elbows move to steady himself all the while Emma’s nails dig into the skin of his back and her ankles hook just above his ass. He expects crescent moons to be tattooed on his skin by the time that it’s over. “You’re divine.”

“K-Killian,” she moans in response as he starts to get into a rhythm, one that seems to be working for the both of them.

“I know, love. I know.”

His hips thrust and roll into hers, and when she shifts, he slips that little bit deeper into her, heat covering his skin and making him sigh against Emma’s mouth as their tongues snake together. It’s messy and rough, and the sound of their skin moving against each other is all that he can focus on as he loses himself in the softness of the woman who he loves and the feel of his chain pressing between them.

There’s something about the coolness of the metal on their warm skin that does something to him.

When Emma’s hand moves between them to brush at where they’re joined, he knows that she’s close, knows that she’s coming apart in their desperate coming together, so he arches his hips up to give her more space and snaps into hers at a pace that has them both panting and falling apart one after the other.

Holy hell.

Nothing is ever going to be enough when it comes to Emma even though she is more than enough.

Always.

Later, after they’ve cleaned up and showered, washing the sweat and chlorine off of their bodies, they sprawl out on top of the bed, their feet stretched up across the headboard and their gaze toward the speckled ceiling. He’s not entirely sure how they got into this position. He thinks it was Emma who did it first, her legs obviously a little antsy, and she’d rolled around until she got comfortable.

It is actually pretty comfortable, and he wonders if they’re so exhausted and sleep deprived that everything would be comfortable to them.

But he’s not exhausted enough to fall asleep. Not at all. It’s been a rollercoaster of a night, but it’s one of those nights he’d never like to end.

Emma’s stomach rumbles, and they get into a conversation about how Graham usually cooks for she and Ruby, especially when they’re both traveling, and that he’s probably the only reason she doesn’t starve. She also reminds him that he promised to bake for her, and he rekindles that promise, his mind already trying to figure out when exactly they can do that. It’s a busy season, the two of them live full lives, but they’ll figure it out. They both want to make the effort, and they will.

She also tells him that David is thinking about helping her out by commentating on a game sometime this season, and he’s so damn proud of her that his heart could very well burst.

It’s relaxing and calming and absolutely everything just to be able to talk to someone about his day outside of baseball, even if they do naturally fall into shop talk, and she listens as he talks about Liam and Elsa and the ridiculousness of having them as his support system. He hasn’t truly had someone to talk to about his friends and family until now, and it’s still taking some getting used to.

But he loves her and keeps falling more in love with her, so he thinks that they have all of the time in the world.

That’s what he keeps telling himself because he has the hope for it.

All the time in the world.

#catch me if you can #cs fic #cs ff #captain swan fic #captain swan

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incarnateirony · 4 years

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why do people seem to think i’m a big name blogger

i only have like 1800 followers (or I guess closer to 1900 now?), that’s pocket change compared to some of the people around here

i know there’s people with less, and that doesn’t make you invalid or anything. Because it’s not about size. It’s either about quality or about enjoyment, and really, your latter should come first in fandom. If you have a hobby blog designed to spread enjoyment, then yes, quality. If you positively impact just 5 people’s lives on the regular, you’ve done a good thing.

This falls in line with my “anyone can meta” and moods about who feels comfortable metaing or having those opinions, but it’s become a general sentiment.

And most of all don’t feel like you need to lockstep with me. now, not lockstepping with me doesn’t mean "shit directly on someone’s positive content post like a whole entitled jackass”, but like. I don’t care if you were some little blog with 10 followers that I gave a boost and now you’re kinda popular. you don’t owe me shit.

Because that’s another weird thing and I think people need to practice self-care on this more. Four different people, on four different occasions, that were incensed I wouldn’t fall into borg mind or surrender my opinions, have tried to claim they “made” me. Ironically, none of them did. Like even ignoring my following point, even in the way they meant it -- which is the irony.

When Kelloggs club pounced on my first ever fandom tweet years ago for the sin of having a Cas plushie icon, and I floored them with numbers they had never seen and got blocked by the whole damn hoard in my first hour in fandom like a temporary urban legend, I made me. Sure, they drew attention and made a shitshow. Sure, it led to me being drawn into group chats that expanded my networking and stuff. But I made me. When a big name fan was upset at how much traction I’d gained in a month, because this fandom is obsessed with clout for some goddamn reason, and I stood my ground? They drew attention. But the way I held my ground? I made me.

When TAW went bananas on me for catching him hand in the cookie jar with Misha and my unwillingness to be backed off that turned heads? I made me. Everybody helped with of course blacklisttaw, but I didn’t make blacklisttaw, everyone made blacklisttaw, I just started it. And it worked. Because of everybody. He hasn’t had a non-indie job aside from things being re-re-re-re-reannounced from 2008 plans or things stuck in production purgatory since 2014 releasing late since. That ain’t all my credit. I didn’t MAKE that. I started it, maybe. But you guys made that. I just stood there with a megaphone for those who weren’t positioned to speak, and gave some cornerstones. Everybody else’s work did the rest.

(And ironically, NONE of the people that wanted me to feel like they MADE me were involved in that. I think they all actually came after all of these things.)

The people along the way help. But just because someone helps you doesn’t mean you’re indentured to them, their demands, or even their abuse for life, or touting every single thing they say as truth.

Whatever content you made that got shared? You made that. You made you. Your thoughts, opinions, contributions, choices made you. Someone giving you a digital nickel along the way, or even a digital hundred dolla bill, doesn’t obligate you to them. If they genuinely appreciated your thoughts and content instead of finding it temporarily useful or convenient... then they gained the benefit of your contribution in exchange. If someone had another intent, that’s on them.

(honestly same goes for RL on this point; sure try to repay people but repayment doesn’t mean you’re shackled to them for all eternity and if someone said they wanted to HELP you and then turned around like “ok and the interest accrued is--” or flags it around as some weight? Fuckin’ run. RUN AWAY. “Help” doesn’t come with a leash or a motive. It comes because they want to help. And anyone that spins that around on you -- life lesson -- holy shit. Run. You help people because you care, whether that’s about them as an individual or general human empathy -- not for what you get out of it. And again seriously guys REAL LIFE PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND IF YOU TAKE NOTHING ELSE FROM ANYTHING I EVER SAID. If someone had told me this when I was younger I would have dodged YEARS of receiving violence. It’s like the shittier, less competent version of mob logic, only at least the mob is honest that they’re gonna break your kneecaps if you fuck up before you get started. Y’know what? I value honesty. If you’re gonna demand something, be honest and threaten my kneecaps up front.)

Nobody made you but you. I helped along the way, or some other people helped. But I’m never going to be like HOW DARE YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION I MADE YOU!!!!!!! because like-- is anybody watching the show right now? Anybody at all? Chuck’s stomping around and throwing hissyfits because hE mAdE thEm AnD hE’Ll ShoW tHEm and like in the end, Chuck didn’t make them. Maybe he influenced things around them. But they’re making themselves.

And I feel like this fandom would do so much better if they abandoned this tribalistic herd mind nonsense for fear of obligation to *whatever* because guys, people who hold you to that? They’re abusers. Like. Literally. No lie. Shit man. Those people online can’t even “make” anyone, because they only make themselves, and then people react to what they’ve made of themselves. Everyone decides they’re too much? Too bitter? Too whatever? Everybody stops spreading their content? Guess what they’ve got. A big ball of Too Much Bitter on their dash and nothing else. But you know what? They made them. They made that. They make that big ball of whatever.

Like congrats guys you temporarily liked my opinions when you liked them and strolled along when I was at like 700 followers already and now that you don’t you’re gonna-- what? Get mad at other opinions? Come on now. People aren’t just tools to be waved around. We’re complex. You’re complex. Hopefully you all treat other people as complex. Never put yourself in a digital collar to jump through digital flaming hoops for fear of some kind of digital retaliation.

Hell, if there’s one moral from How-I-Made-Me in that list above, that’s it, really. Lmao, fuck the borg guys, come on. You do you. My path was essentially “Fuck the bronlies, fuck the extreme con crowd, fuck sexual predators, and fuck extremes of any fandom lane, even if that’s a lane within my own ship.” -- your path doesn’t have to be my path. You make your path. You just share it with people on the way. If they diverge, they don’t get to throw you down whatever hill they’ve declared is the one to go down. And definitely make sure in the land of “all opinions/interpretations are equal” that is said online like a parrot stuck in a loop, you’re not letting them use that to completely ironically steamroll over your own while leaving theirs unchecked of any real compunction.

So no, don’t come shit on my posts directly, don’t come whatever. But don’t ever just lockstep with me, or anyone else, because you feel some weird form of obligation over something as irrelevant as digital clout in the world of a TV fandom that IS ENDING ANYWAY so WHAT THE FUCK. The people you have around you? The views you soak? The follows you have? Good and bad. Those are what are going to paint the rest of your experience for this show you (theoretically) love from here into eternity.

Am I too loud? That’s fine. You do you. Is someone else too perpetually bitter? Don’t tie yourself to them. Pay close attention to what is sculpting your fandom experience in this final hour and into its life beyond. Because that’s gonna be the difference between you keeping love for this show in your heart once it’s off the air or petering off into distressed disfavor for it.

At one point when the show was ending, I thought “I’ma follow every account like in the history of ever” and man was that a bad idea. A few sweeps later and I’ve cleared out bitter bullshit clogging my dash, random cacophony, and have nothing but good shit to reblog again and damn if that isn’t even gonna make the experience of everyone in my proximity better too. Much less my own. And yeah, that matters. It’s called fandom. It’s supposed to be fun. Not obligate chaos.

Either people take you as you are, or they don’t. Fuck the ones that just want parts of you for a time and want to discard the rest. Those people aren’t worth your time. Hell, that even wants to go for people who have dedicated bitter blogs. You wanna be bitter and nasty okay that’s fine, if somebody is just there for some other shit and then gets mad that you’re bitter after goddamn choosing to follow you knowing full god damn and well you’re bitter, they can fuck off too. Stay mad if you want. You do you. I might say it’s probably not the best for mental health and general wellness but in the end that’s still up to you. And put an asterisk that doing shit on tumblr is different than twitter where if you make a bunch of rowdy bitter people in your area and you or they start shit-tagging creatives and doing the above kinda bullshit, no, that doesn’t work the same. Or like the multishipper I saw getting attacked despite making a whole other blogspace to keep their wincest away from impacting other people’s eyes like -- if they’re hunting down that side account just to cause bullshit, fuck them too. Seriously, fuck the borg.

#supernatural #fandom #ethics #honesty #manipulation #independence #group think #free thinkers

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jinned · 4 years

Text

okay gang. let’s go (pls keep in mind i am #wasted and i love all the boys with my whole heart okie)

now most of my friends have PROBABLY heard that i used to bias more than jin before. at one point, i biased THREE members at once. becuase of the daily suffering i yeeted them to the bias wrecker zone and now i sit here comfortably, a jin stan

AND YET

what if i want to figure out the order of bias wreckers hmmmmmm

under cut is my in depth analysis (took me about 10 times to spell that right) of my bais wreckers and why they hold the spot they are in. we wont go in depth on jinnie today. we all know he’s ult. if i talk about him while drunk i’ll never shut up. yes these are in order

jin: hah BITCH u thought i couldnt talk about my main and leave him out??? ot7 hoe forever. jin is that friend you know will do anything to make u smile rght. and u really have to be friends for a while to learn when he needs help cause he’ll never say. and i love him so much. he’s so private and just wants tohers to be hapy but jin i want u happy too. he desreves the world okay. he deserves more lines and more camera time. he deserves to be in dramas like hee awnts. hes so talented?????? yhis voice makes me cry not gonna lie it’s so beautiful and he has so much raw talent like wtf where did u COME FROM. he’s so beautiful and humble and funny and wow how could u not want him as a best friend or boyfrind. 4am pancake mornings where teh kitchen a mess but we having fun. wishing on airplane type cute shit like that yes sign me up. hugs you so tight. body language is really improtant here okay like he mgith not verbally tell u somethin g but you can tell by how he acts using his body. he might hug u tigheter and longer than normal ad thats how u know youre his comfort and he just isn’t feeling 100%. he gives those sentimental gifts. llike hey u mentioned this one time like five years ago and i finally was able to get it for you or hey heres a personalized ting to remember that one time we spent together. lots of polaroids and comfy sweaters. pooring our hearts out to each other while sitting on the kitchen counters.he want sto go through what youre going through so you dont go through it alone. wil ltake the fall for you, hyp eyou up better than anyone and is slick about it. he makes u think that lvoe exists

jimin: there was once a time when i was platonically in love with jimin. i often said “in anothe r life i was probably ulting jimin” then i saw jimin in person at a concert. i left a changed womamm. he is so sexsy that i t physically hutrss me. like wtf how are u even real. once on my prevoius blog i posted begging for pink haired jimin. three days later. jimin had pink hari. i think we are connected by souls are something. he’s 363 days older than me. i understand him sm. am i hard stan or soft stan? no i’m really asking i cant figure it out. he’s so sexy but i also want him to be my best friend. the hnonesty that owuld come from him is something i really need. we would try new foods together and go get lost on purpose.

hoseok: my libra ass needs him to balance out my life. i see him and i smile so big. ovwer the years i have grown to understand hoseok a little bit ore and why he is the way he is and it made me soft soft. he so humble and talented and deserves so much love and recognitgion. the way he loves and cares for others is something i htink i nee dmore in a friend. he the type to hug you tight and cry with you. i like that. i apprecoiate that. he big softie and also so attractive like damn okay go off u relaly made like that and im here for it

namjoon: namjoon....imma start crying okay depe breath. namjoon was my first kpop bias ever. he the reason im even into bts and kpop in general. namjoon so sexy on like every aspect wtf. sexy brain. sexy body, sexy face. sexy talented. i ned break from u namjoon my heart just swells thinking of him. wow. namjoon is real person.namjoon give sm e hope. i want to hug him and feel those namtiddies irl u feel? i want to tel lnamjoon its okay to be urself. and to not be emjbarrassed. i love him so much and want to just pour all my love into him. he like older brother status. i never had an older brother but i imagine it would be like namjoon. comfort

yoongi: either my enemy or my best frined. cant tell. comfortable in each others presence, no nedd to talk. our talks alwasy deep and introspective. i want to talk about the world with him. i want to descover new hobbies with him. lets cuddle on the couch and watch documentaries. lowkey think he would be annoyed with me alot. but our love runs deep. that good wholesome friendship where we don’t talk everyday but whenever we see something and think of each other we send right away. that friendship that picks up where it left off. im soft soft yoongi stan. i see him and melt. i see a fool waiting to be exposed (read my fic chromatic to understand) lately he’s seemed so much happier and i legit cried one night thinking about it. i love seeing him smile and let losose an dbe more himself. like wow that’s joy right there. i love u

taehyung: was once my ult for like a solid 6 months. i think i cried every day. his duality is too much to handle. we on firm break. taehyung leave me be pls for my sanity. are u adorable baby or are u father of my baby? the questions never end. i think he’s too handsome for my own good. i’ll never forgigve u for war orf hormone. anytime he wears beret my uwu metershatters. but he capricorn. capricorns and i on rough terms. we would be good friends i think. those supportive friends who art together and who take long walks and talk ab out life in depth. 2am grocery shoopping trips like yessss lets make those young adult movie cliche’s come true

jungkook: straight up my arch nemesis. enemy to lovers au. we hate each other so much people start to get sus. like uhhh did u guys hook up or sumfin? we probs annoy the heck out of each other on a daily. but best friend material af. we annoying but we ride or die for each other. i see him and feel proud and just so happy for him. watching him find himsefl is like wow if he can do it i can do it too. great motivator. empathetic af. his heart pure gold i swear. trying new things all the time like wo w i wanna do that. emo looking jk is my weakness tho he automatically jumps to tpo of the list don’t tell sober bean i said that ause i would never admit that out loud. he’s younger friend u wanna protect and i am in constant awe of him. u goin places kid

#what even is this #im rambling #ignore #so many typos im sorry #my ehad starting to spin #all i see is love for bts #i love thema ll so much #bean babbles #ot7

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sophrosinn · 4 years

Text

the (un)lucky ones

story description:

“the story’s great, but I think it would be better if the story ended like this”

Affronted at the audacity of the comment, she furiously replies, “then write your own story, asshole!”

word count: 2,048

a/n: happiest solar anniversary to one of my best girls @vanaera! thank you for being the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. this short story, which is loosely based irl, serves as my gift to you. i hope you’ll like it!

shout-out to @senfleurs for being the best gal and helping me out with this. she even stepped up and edited this omg, and i cannot stress how much I’m thankful, lol especially she made sure that I get to finish this on time

—

In retrospect, she knows better than to let some dumb comment, especially from someone on the Internet, rile her up this much. Even her followers tell her as much: it’s unwarranted, insensitive even. One of her followers, hippopopo tries to take it a step further, justifying by saying, verbatim: It’s her story anyway!!! So only she knows how the story should end best, okay! 😤😠💢

(in actuality, she has qualms about that, mostly because she had read some books which she thought didn’t end well. but that would take time to unpack and this story isn’t about that, no. she’s flattered at the support, nonetheless.)

And yet, there she is at 8 in the morning, her fingers furiously gliding across her keyboard as she writes a spite-filled story in response. Oftentimes, her muse for writing comes from movies she watched with her family, or from songs she heard on Korean dramas, or those meet-cute scenarios she gushed about with her best friends. This time, however, spite’s her main gal.

She finishes at 10. Later at 4 in the afternoon, she posts it. About an hour later, she doesn’t even try to contain the smirk lighting up her face when a familiar notification pops up.

—

The story starts with an inconspicuous like from a user named agust-d five months ago. Back then, she thought nothing of it. A day later, agust-d comments on a story from her drabble series. Since then, every day without fail, agust-d leaves a small token of their appreciation for her works; brief, concise comments such as, “nice job on the flower descriptions,” or “i liked it.”

Belatedly, she wonders if agust-d is a person of few words, because why else would they leave comments with only six words or less, even on her works with over 30k words? Don’t get her wrong, of course she’s eternally grateful for all the support she receives from her affectionate dears. But sometimes, especially on days her self-confidence plummets and she’s in need of reassurance, she ponders if all her efforts are for naught. (of course not, never, she gently reminds herself.)

And each day, she resists the growing urge to reply: don’t you have anything more to say!!! (but alas, she isn’t a rude person—unless provoked—she can’t so she settles with letting her mind wander.)

Three months of this and she finally caves in. With her interest piqued, she browses through agust-d’s posts. After two hours, she learns that agust-d goes by suga online. Coincidentally, Suga is a male student at the same university she’s currently attending. For a moment, she briefly considers a possibility—what are the chances that they’ve met, have fallen into step alongside each other, have passed by him in the large hallways, or have shared her table with him at the library during exam season? The possibility of knowing someone without actually knowing them?

(that’s the funny thing about the online world, she supposes. you may know all that matters about someone: their likes, dislikes, kinks, fears, and horrid taste in music, absolutely everything except that one thing that matters the most: their names.)

Suga, she eventually learns, is not a man of few words. In truth, he’s got a few words too many to say about a diverse range of controversial topics. In his words, his passion burns bright and clear, but for her, he doesn’t shine any brighter than when he talks about music. It shows in his blog, which consists of a myriad of album reviews across different genres (fascinating, she notes, their music interests align as well).

Occasionally, he posts his renditions of some popular rap music, and as sporadic as this happens, she admits that his covers are her favorite part of his blog. And naturally, she refuses to acknowledge that it has everything to do with her fascination with deep, raspy voices, which, (un)fortunately for her, Suga undoubtedly has.

After some serious debating with herself, she decides to not follow him back. But she makes sure to check his profile every other day for no real reason, really, her soul wallowing in denial. In her defense, when did anyone need a reason to stalk someone?

And so, it begins, her fascination with this stranger on the other side of the screen. Never in her whole life did she imagine herself harboring a (teeny-tiny, infinitesimal) crush towards someone on the Internet. Certainly, she knows there’s always a one-in-a-thousand chance that it happens in real life, it’s just that out of all the 7 billion people in the world, she wasn’t expecting herself to be the (un)lucky one.

—

The fateful day begins like any other. She wakes up to a brand new day, at 7 am, and like clockwork, she begins to stretch atop her pink yoga mat. Halfway through her workout, her phone pings with a new notification. Immediately, her phone screen lights up: agust-d has left a comment on your work!

Her traitorous heart skips a beat in the utmost display of betrayal. It’s Suga!

Ever since she scrolled through his blog two months ago, she has been exchanging messages with Suga. Her covert mission to surreptitiously listen to his song covers ends miserably when she accidentally double-clicks on a post he made two years ago. A string of expletives followed as she stared agonizingly at the post. She attempts to remove her blunder, but soon accepts defeat as it doesn’t even take a full minute until she receives a message notification from Suga. The internal debate resumes as her finger clumsily hovers on the computer mouse and she hesitantly clicks. From thereon, the rest, as they say, is history.

She ends up following his account the day after.

Although, if she were being truthful, all they’ve been sending back and forth are pleasantries. Suga seems hellbent on keeping the conversations polite and distant. She doesn’t understand, it’s not like she’s flirting with him! All she just wants is a compelling conversation with someone (because the Lord knows how much she needs an intellectual to talk to; and suga seems like an intellectual, if his posts are anything to go by).

She unlocks her phone and throws herself onto her bed. Normally, her lips quirk up automatically in response to seeing his name pop on her notifications, but it is not the case for this time. Instead, a frown mars her forehead as she reads his comment.

agust-d: the story’s great, but I think it would be better if the story ended like this

For a moment, she can’t believe her eyes. She blinks a few more times in the hope that her eyes were just playing tricks on her. Nada, it remains the same.

If there’s one thing to know about her, it’s that she meticulously plans out every detail in her stories. She even spends weeks to outline a draft, and even then, it must be decent enough before she puts it in writing. Publishing her works online, for all the world to see, still intimidates her even after all this time. Not knowing how people will respond to her works frightens her, but what is life without a little fear?

In addition, she’s receptive to constructive criticisms, but criticisms that come from those she looks up to? It’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes. Suga—he’s become one of those people, and seeing his comment really hurt. She turns her phone off and does her chores for the time being. The moment she logs back in, she is taken aback by the multitude of comments expressing the same sentiment.

bubbleboy: “Yeah, I agree, I think it would be best if the story ended in this manner.”

She can’t help but feel the bubble of anger gradually rising. Another even started with,

orange-gloss: “No offense, but the ending being suggested by others is kinda good.”

The audacity and the entitlement in this comment! Asking her to not be offended when it is within her right to take offense is absolutely laughable. Furthermore, who are you to even tell me how I should react?

When she reaches the 20th comment, she explodes. The next two hours find her furiously typing out a decent response disguised as a story, albeit with passive-aggressiveness, addressed to all of the comments, but primarily to the one left by Suga. She talks to the rude commenters with the sweet addition of a phrasing 101 lesson. In her contained rage, she ends with the note: remember, it doesn’t hurt to be nice, and if you have qualms about how I ended my own story, do me and yourself a favor and write your own story!

She makes up her mind to take some time off her blog for a while. But after a familiar notification pops up at 5 PM, she resists the urge to run away and instead, opts to open the messages he sent.

agust-d: i’ll admit, the way I said it was rude

agust-d: but I stand with what I said

agust-d: you should consider the possibility as well

seen

(In hindsight, she realizes that, for once, Suga’s comment surpasses 25 words.)

—

After the whole debacle with the barrage of rude comments and her consequent outburst, everything has never been the same. Understandably, some of her fans have left since then, but the majority stayed with her and for that, she’s eternally grateful. Although she still publishes her stories and interacts with her followers, a certain emptiness fills her at times.

A part of her thinks it has a lot to do with Suga, who she doesn’t talk to anymore. She… doesn’t know how to respond to him after her outburst. In a span of a moment, she manages to both defend her honor and drag agust-d through the mud, which was never her intention to begin with. Okay, well, maybe just a little bit. But she’s hurt, so it only makes sense to retaliate.

If only she could easily strike back in her current situation.

Unbeknownst to her, someone with the handle void-mayo tags her on a malicious post the night before, calling her out for being fake. Apparently, she’s a ‘copycat writer wanna-be with no real ideas of her own.’

She only discovers it when her followers start sending her messages of reassurance and appreciation. Of course, she checks the post at once, reading carefully and taking in everything that was written. (Shit, at least I have a better username, she muses). And not for the first time, she feels hurt, uneasy, and anxious at the same time. Void-mayo is already an established writer, with years of exposure under her belt and a large army of rabid fans at her disposal. Meanwhile, she’s just started her writing blog. And although she’s diligent, thorough, and ensures that each of her stories has its own personality and flavor, most of void-mayo’s fans wouldn’t care. She can’t risk losing her credibility over a baseless accusation such as this!

And with that, she feels anger bubbling from the pit of her stomach. She doesn’t get the purpose behind the destructive post. She gets humiliated, her reputation tarnished, and worse just because she had written a similar scene with an ice cream . It certainly doesn’t help that others are quick to join in calling her names and ‘cancelling her’ without even bothering to check the facts.

And as she contemplates on how to proceed with such a delicate situation, her dashboard refreshes. At the top, she notices that agust-d reblogs void-mayo’s post with the addition of his response and for once, the word count exceeds 100.

—

In a roundabout way of saying sorry and expressing her gratitude, she proceeds to write the ending Suga requested. And illuminated by the dim light of her laptop screen, she can begrudgingly admit that he does have a point; his version of the ending does make sense.

—

fin.

—

omake

agust-d: so am i forgiven yet?

you: i don’t know

you: maybe you’ll have to make it up to me

you: and get me some coffee first?

you: 😉

—

a/n pt. 2: happiest birthday to you again! i’m so grateful to have met you in this lifetime. truly, like you’re the best. even if your internet connection’s always shitty, you always find ways to join our chats and discord parties. just thank you, for all the countless laughs that i’ve had with (and because of) you, for the counsel with my writing, and for the stories and advice you’ve willingly shared with us. here’s to our three years of friendship and counting! i love you so much! enjoy this day and stay safe!

p.s. keep rocking and keep writing! we’ll always be here with you! muah! ❤️❤️❤️

p.p.s. hihi 🦆🍄

#birthday fic #for #vanaera #this is the first fic i've finished writing #my own fic #omg #also #all the uns in this fic are for comedic relief #esp void-mayo #from stardew valley #bts #min yoongi #fic

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marshmallowgoop · 5 years

Photo

This is something I should have edited together.

So here it is: (a lot of!) the sweet messages I’ve received in the last month or so that are in direct response to my anonymous hate mail.

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that humans are remarkably negative creatures, and it takes so many more positive experiences to balance out just one negative experience. And maybe it’s not that universal a thing, but I can say that it sure feels relevant to my own life.

So, I think it’s important to remind myself that, no matter how much it seems like it’s so easy to attack me but so difficult to support me, I’ve actually received far more kind messages than cruel messages throughout this whole mess. And the kind messages are so much more thoughtful, too—and often attached to real names!

And... I think that says something when I’m as cringey and humiliating as I am. These folks aren’t too ashamed to say that they’re here for me and what I do.

(But that said, I have removed names from anything that wasn’t a reblog or reply because I don’t want to embarrass anyone. Please let me know if you don’t want your words here at all, and I’ll blur them out. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.)

There’s some stuff I want to address under the cut—along with a transcript if anyone is interested in reading these words but has trouble with the screenshots—but more important than any of my ramblings to follow, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write out these supportive sentiments and who continues to support me. I know these meltdowns are a drag, and I know I’ve been a nuisance. Thank you for sticking with me. I aim to be better and live up to what these messages say.

First things first, I want to clarify why I posted the collage of all the hate the other day. I didn’t approach that well, and I’m sorry. I realized too late that it was a bad decision.

Really, that collage was more meant just for me. Maybe it’s sad, but I’ve been actively writing on this site for a good half decade now, and for a lot of that time, I’ve almost craved anon hate. I was disappointed that I never got any. I wondered what the heck I was doing wrong.

After all, I have so many unpopular opinions. I realized that a lot of the community disliked me—or if that’s too strong a word, I knew they didn’t want anything to do with me—because of what I think and how I feel. But they never wanted to voice anything to my face. I wasn’t worth the effort to be attacked. I was nothing. Nobody.

There’s this quote from Tibor Kalman that I think about a lot: “[W]hen you make something no one hates, no one loves it.” If no one hated me enough to hate me right to my face, I thought, then I wasn’t good enough. I was boring. Easily forgotten. Not worth the effort.

So, getting all that anon hate for the first time? God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Getting everything I’d always feared the community hated about me—as well as things I didn’t even consider them hating about me—right in my inbox? Ow. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn everything I ever wrote a lot. I wanted to quit making stuff for this community a lot.

What’s the use? I thought—selfishly, of course, keeping in mind all the support up above. Why do I try? It was cruel and unfair, but I kept thinking these things. I kept thinking, What’s the use when nobody wants me here?

But I also thought about the implications of getting all that stuff thrown at me. And I knew it meant one thing: I’m not boring anymore.

There is at least one person out there who frequently checks my blog for more things to rail on me for. There is at least one person going out of their way to write nasty, awful, mean-spirited messages. There is at least one person eagerly waiting for me to respond, to say something, anything, so that they can hurt me and drag me and push me down.

After all these years, to at least one person, I’m worth the effort. No matter how much the messages have stung and destroyed me, I wanted to keep a record of them to remind myself, hey. Someone or someones out there hate(s) me this much for having a different opinion on a cartoon. Maybe that says that my opinions on this cartoon are worth something.

I mean, they’re worth this level of mocking and ridicule, right?

But... I could have just kept the collage to myself. It’s a personal motivation. Nobody else needs to see these terrible things. That just encourages the cruelty even more. Why did I publicize it?

Well, it’s not too uncommon for Internet content creators to make something out of their hate comments. I like the trend of turning the comments into songs, like here, for example:

youtube

At the end of the video, Madilyn Bailey, the artist, says that the purpose of the song is to mock Internet troll culture and make something positive from the negativity.

But I wouldn’t say that that was really my motivation for posting my collage. Call me silly and naive, but I wanted to draw attention to these Internet fandom issues. Everything in that collage is what I was having to deal with... on top of my normal life struggles.

While all of this was happening, I was tapering off my anxiety and depression medication because I felt it wasn’t as effective as it could be and because I feared it was making me lose my hair—something that I am extremely self-conscious about. I cut my hair short nearly a decade ago, and it’s never grown back to the same length.

So, needless to say, while all of this was happening, I was horrified about the big clumps of hair lost in the shower. I was dealing with lightheadedness and dizziness from the withdrawal of my meds (which I’m still dealing with, btw), and I was also dealing with stresses at work. My department has changed management within the last year, and there’s been the concern that people will lose their jobs. There’s been the concern that this occupation won’t be enough to support me anymore.

While all of this was happening, I was stressed about my career, about money, about growing older—the beginning of the anon hate assault was just days before my birthday. I couldn’t see my therapist as much as I wanted because there ain’t enough therapists out there for all this world’s issues.

And while I know that I shouldn’t compare, I also know well that my struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of others. So, how must it feel to deal with all the crap that life just normally throws at you, that’s probably a lot worse for most people than it is for me... and then come home to messages that treat you like a disgusting, horrible, awful human being for your feelings on a cartoon? For work you offer to a community for free and fun?

For answers to questions that you only answered because you were asked to?!

Well, it felt pretty bad to me.

When I posted my collage, I meant to send a message about how this is not okay. I don’t want to see this kind of behavior, and I’m bothered that I don’t know how normal or common what happened to me is. Is this an everyday occurrence for online content creators? Have I just been shielded all these years because I wasn’t interesting enough?

I hoped that by sharing what I was going through, it’d draw attention to the problem. We shouldn’t be treating our fandom content creators like this. It’s not fair. It’s sick.

Of course, I don’t want to guilt anyone into supporting me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t criticize me. I don’t want anyone to feel that, just because I was dealing with a Lot in life, any poor behavior on my part is somehow okay. It isn’t.

The comments that probably hurt me the most in that collage aren’t even the “hate” ones. They’re the ones that express that I messed up. That I hurt them. I can’t say I agree with how these feelings were expressed, but more than any nasty, personally insulting message, those probably hit hardest. I hate the feeling that I’m disappointing my followers. In fact, in taking screenshots for this post, I saw that at least one of the people who had sent me a sweet message has since unfollowed. And that—the sense that I should just stop, that my work really is as horrible as the cruel anons say, that I’m no longer someone they want to support because I’m a disaster and a failure—that... really, really stung.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t blame anyone for leaving me after all this drama. It stinks. It sucks. I messed up. I try to be kind, respectful, considerate, but I’m not perfect, and there are gonna be mistakes along the way.

So I want to encourage—but only if you’re comfortable doing so, of course—more feedback about how to be better. How could I make my content more appealing? How could I handle these situations in ways that are less awful? Could I improve my post-tagging system? My therapist is helping me, but I’d like to hear from all y’all, too. I want to know how to make stuff that people actually enjoy. Anon hate doesn’t exactly help me make better content, but actual constructive feedback will. That’s what I want to see.

But enough bellyaching. Here are some posts I’m prioritizing right now, and I’d like to know which one folks would want to see most:

✄ “ambiguous” thoughts

✄ Ryuko stronger in episode 14, North Kanto monkey versus Osaka monkey

✄ Episode 6 ending

✄ Ryuko and Senketsu interactions

✄ Ripping out heart

✄ Satsuki’s isolation

✄ Things About: Senketsu, Satsuki, Mako, Tsumugu (maybe more?)

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 5-8

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 9-10

✄ Anime Revolution info

It’s a lot, I know ^^; And that’s not even close to all of it. But where should I start? Don’t worry; I intend to finish everything here—especially because a lot of these are old, old requests!—but I’m easily overwhelmed, so an idea of where to begin would be really helpful for me!

tl;dr, I shouldn’t have posted that thing the other day, and maybe this long vomit dump about my intentions doesn’t even come close to making up for it. But I want folks to know that I appreciate their support and would love any feedback about how to better serve the community and live up to these kind messages.

Which, speaking of, here’s a transcript of them:

“As a survivor that's ace I think you're handling the ragyo situation excellently and I'm really enjoying your blog so thank you!”

“Sorry you’re dealing with backlash in regards to your opinions and headcanons on Ragyo, dear! While I can’t really say much on the matter, I think it’s fair that you’re being open with us on how you feel and that you’re entitled to your opinion. Does that mean people will agree with you? No, but that’s okay! Or at the very last, it should be...but people can get heated when certain topics come up and that’s when it Gets Messy”

“There’s no right way to fandom, people jumping in your ask to belittle you are jerks. Tbh the first time I watched Kill La Kill I didn’t consider ryuko and senketsu relationship as romantic but after finding your writing and on subsequent watches I totally see it and like that’s the whole point of fandom right? A group of people who love a thing for varying reasons, I don’t understand this need to be monolithic in fandom. Anyways I love your writing and totally understand your frustrations of late”

“Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like whatever they want to like. You don’t like that? That’s fine! But please, leave Goop alone for stating her mind and expressing how she feels about it. She wouldn’t hark you for your opinion because she’s fully aware of how could make you feel. She’s done nothing but pout her heart out about a series she loves, it’s her passion. If someone did that to YOU, you wouldn’t like it, now would you? (1/2)

“I know it’s not going to magically change overnight and everyone will say their peace to feel validated, but I just feel so bad that you’re getting all of this over things that you’ve previously talked about and STILL have to defend yourself for. Your opinion is yours, Goop, and don’t let ANYONE try to challenge that! (2/2)”

“Please don't be so hard on yourself! I understand why it makes you upset when people send hate and stuff but you shouldn't feel the need to justify every single word you say. I just wanted to let you know that I always adored everything you write and I'm completely on your side in all of this. :) I hope you feel better soon!”

“I think your takes are very good; but more important than everyone agreeing w/ everyone elses readings, I think, is that you are a very good writer of analysis and it would be a shame for you to falter in that because of ppls reactions to your content. anyone who harasses you about having the 'wrong opinions' about fiction needs to learn how analysis of fiction functions & find a better outlet :) you are very talented, Goop, please follow your true north!”

“People get hung up on weird things, like you can disagree with someone and not devolve to personal attacks??? Anyways I enjoy your klk content! I look forward to more analysis of the game!”

“man, i dunno why so many anons gotta be such massive jackasses, you don't deserve it. hell, i don't even ship ryuketsu (I lean towards a more queerplatonic partnership interpretation, and im generally allergic to romantic shipping anyways) and i still deeply appreciate the thought and research and care you put into your meta.”

“ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.”

“Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.”

“It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….”

“Just wanted to shout over all of this hate and say you have an amazing blog and you shouldn’t let this get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s legitimately awesome. Anyway that’s all I had to say. Keep being you.”

“Hey Goop. Just always remember that even if we're quieter, there will always be more people supporting you and loving you than people hating you. I really hope you don't let these anons destroy your health in a more permanent way. Keep up the good work!”

“Hello! Just wanted to say that I love your posts and analyses of klk so much! I love seeing how passionate you are about it (bc I am too) and I also ship Ryuketsu SUPER hard! I'm sorry if people are getting you down, but I hope you keep on doing your thing!”

trashcanalienist said: I agree with this so much

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: …don’t ever let someone else’s insecurities become part of you. 😉

official-raven-branwen reblogged this from marshmallowgoop and added:

Ya’ll got a problem with Goop, you can fuck outta here with that.

#Lookin at you anon

official-raven-branwen said: Why are people being mean to you??! Goop, please please please don’t ever think that your content isn’t wanted. If people are having an issue, that’s on them. They can fuck right off.

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: More Ryuketsu! Indeed!

kuribo4indahouse said: Kill la Kill needs you

csolarstorm said: Hey Goop, I sympathize. It’s never easy to share opinions about topics like this, because everyone has a different story, and they all want their story heard by others. I’ve found that you can’t accomodate everyone’s struggles - you can only speak for yourself. Keep on writing, I love Kill la Kill and Iook forward to reading your work.

official-raven-branwen said: You got this!

kuribo4indahouse said: Don’t worry, and don’t count out the possibility of becoming bigger over time!

gaylo-thymos said: Hell yea, you’re doing your very best to be out there and that’s what matters. Keep bein you!

darthvandr said: Well regardless of recent events, you’re one of my favorite blogs and I’d be sad if you left. So you just keep on being you!

kuribo4indahouse said:

Who the fuck wrote that lol

Are those even real people writing those messages? Who would be this rude over a TV show?

And then they call you “butthurt”… Any self awareness?

official-raven-branwen replied to your post “You’re so butthurt about this Ragyou thing. Get over yourself. So…”

You are awesome Goop! Don’t listen to those asshat anons. You rock and those anons mean nothing. You keep being you because you are enough!

Not sure why you have such awful anons. You are an awesome person. Please know that you opinions on stuff that you (very obviously) love are perfectly valid, because they are your opinions, on your own freaking blog. And to that anon that sent you that message, listen dude, if you don’t like the content Goop puts out, there’s the unfollow button right there champ.

eldritchgentleman reblogged your photo and added:

Fuck the opinions of others and enjoy what you love! They don’t own you, listening to them doesn’t make you happy so screw them with a pineapple.

simon-newman reblogged your photo and added:

Also Ryuko and Senketsu is a valid ship.

eric-coldfire reblogged your photo and added:

Absolute valid ship, op. Ignore the haters and keep being you.

kuribo4indahouse reblogged your post and added:

Just laugh at these Goop.

badgerjaw replied to your post “goops, you’re starting to stoop to the level of those that are bugging…”

I don’t think this anon knows what patronizing means, nor can they tell the difference between getting a big head and acknowledging the amount you do in this fandom. To each their own, nonny, cheers

badgerjaw replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

At least the shirt in question can consent; wonder if these nonnies are gonna get on the people who abuse their non-sentient socks?

“I'm sorry. I don't always necessarily agree with the ideas, but I haven't been offended.”

“And I know you're like, you know, a reasonable, nice person. So even if you did say something that came off as offensive, I wouldn't be up in arms about it, you know?”

“Hey Goop, I know this is coming really late but here's what I wanted to say

“You didn't deserve any ounce of that anon hate.

“I'm just absolutely stunned. There was nothing wrong with what you posted. Not then, not now. Because all you were doing was expressing your OWN interpretations. You weren't trying to claim anything as set-in-stone fact

“And... I don't understand. I don't understand why people are SO angry that another person has an opinion they don't share. In the end, what are we talking about here? An anime...

“Don't get me wrong. The topics you discussed were indeed important to talk about, and fiction definitely does influence reality. But the fact of the matter is that, when it comes down to it, your posts were simply you sharing some headcanons about some characters from an anime

“And... when you look at the grand scheme of things, I really do think those anons are really quite pathetic. I mean. Consider what sort of person they have to be so get SO angry over a post like ‘Hey I think Ragyo might be ace’ and say ‘How can you be this STUPID Ragyo is OBVIOUSLY a lesbian and YOUR WHOLE BLOG IS A BAD TAKE’ like really?????

“Actually you didn't even say ‘Ragyo might be ace,’ it was more of a ‘I personally feel like Ragyo is ace’ and?? What's the issue with that?????/

“I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I'm so upset that you're upset cause of those anons and all the hate you got over NOTHING

“Also, don't discount the fact that there are indeed people out there who agree with you. I know you mentioned that you don't think anyone shares the same opinions on Ragyo as you do. But in all my years of following you, I've realized one thing

“You and I... have the same opinions on EVERYTHING????????

“But let me be clear. That's not why I support you. It doesn't matter if we have the same headcanons.

“Even if I disagreed with everything you said, I'd still support you. Because it's not the headcanons that matter—it's how respectful you are and how you're always trying to better yourself. You always try SO SO SO hard to express yourself in a reasonable and kind way, and you are always trying to be mindful of your wording and considerate of other people's opinions

“It really upsets me to see you apologize so much to people who don't deserve an apology.”

“Hi, Goop. I want to thank you for everything you do on this blog. I started getting into your Kill la Kill content in around 2016. I even keep a copy of your meta book downloaded on my phone to reread every now and then.

“I think what I like so much about your writing is how in-depth and supported and thoughtful it all is. Kill la Kill is so easy for people to write off as just a flashy, over the top, fanservice show. I think the biggest takeaway from the show is that it truly is a story about friendship and love, and I’m glad that you write so, so much about this. It always gets me all giddy and excited when I see you post something new or when you reblog your old stuff. I first watched the show in 2014, then I rewatched it two more times, knowing that I liked it, but not knowing exactly why.

“Until I started reading your blog. It’s really thanks to you that Kill la Kill is now my unbeatable, number one favorite anime ever.

“You put into words so eloquently what I’ve always felt towards Kill la Kill since I first watched it. I want you to know I really appreciate you. Please know you have my support, and I hope you keep doing what you love.”

“First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY~

“I just hope that anon finds something more fulfilling than spewing hate and nonsense. Like model trains, or magic tricks. I know my life got a lot more bright when I kept my nose out of people’s business and started focusing on the things I love to do.”

“I'm sorry that you have to deal with these trolls. :/ Some people just like to get a reaction.

“*would talk more but feels that the conversation is past its expiration*

“I respect you for expressing your opinion. Lord knows how illegal that is when insecure people get offended.”

“super late at night for me and I should be sleeping but I saw all your responses and how you tried to handle things and just felt really bad. You're in a situation that things just can't be solved with a simple logical response. Like I said sometimes people just have a view and when they disagree they just need to attack others who are part of that disagreement.”

kurouga replied to your post “[[MOR] I already knew people felt this way about me, but I guess…”

You don’t know if it needs you? At times like these I’d say the fandom doesn’t deserve you. It’s always mind-boggling – and yeah, saddening – to recognize how readily people forget how to be civil and begin to hold the meaning they see in fiction as more important than the feelings and experiences of others. Meanwhile you’re classy, humble, patient, and resilient enough to have retained these qualities where so many others… haven’t. Nothing short of inspiring.

I’d say it’s reflective of the cancerous state of fandom environments that it’s so much easier to win support with sweeping, neat and tidy divisiveness – that is, by resorting to discouraging, dismissing, or ridiculing differences in opinion – than it is to garner support as a thoughtful proponent of discussion.

Those who would argue “This fandom would be perfect if only those people who have other opinions/ships would just *stop* already” are those who would rather reign over a wasteland than accept that their views aren’t threatened/invalidated by the existence of differing views. And they almost certainly don’t appreciate the irony in that the perfect victory they envision is one in which what remains of the fandom is all cut from the same cloth. Never stop being you, goop.

“Hey uh saw that you're going through some brutal stuff with a anon. But I wanted you to know you're handling it like a champ and hopefully they'll get on with their life soon!”

“No problem I always look forward to getting notifications for your posts. It's kinda sad that you can't talk about opinions on here without someone getting upset but I hope that doesn't stop you from continuing!”

“You write a lot about things and you're sure to upset someone but at least you're being honest and always try to resolve disagreements realistically. I'm sorry that you're crying and all but I hope you do feel better soon! It's gonna be your birthday after all ✌️”

“I don’t know if I clicked the right button. Sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really, really respect your work and to thank you, because you bring so much happiness to life of me and my other friends. Keep up with your good work and continue to share love for Kill La Kill and for t h e m. *salutes*”

“hey! heard you'd been getting shit lately from people deliberately seeking to misunderstand the work you've put into the KLK fandom over the years (doubt you'd remember me but i'm still [blurred for privacy] on AO3). even though i don't use tumblr anymore on a regular basis, of all the people i met and knew, even tangentially, in this fandom, you've always stuck out to me as one of the loveliest and most dedicated fans and my favorite meta writer, period. please keep it up!”

korra-n-stuff replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

can these anons please go away? you’re wonderful goop, dont change. These people just has sticks in their asses

fromtheriverbanks replied to your post “Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like…”

I love your analysis. I tend to agree with the stuff about Ryuko and Senketsu and think it’s a big part of what makes the show beautiful. If there were PhDs in Kill la Kill, you would deserve one.

#ramblings #shut up goop #goop makes a (kinda) personal post #the discourse #serious talk #a bit?#video #music #kill la kill #ish #tl;dr thank you everyone who has stuck with me #i'm sorry about being so dramatic #i have a really really really hard time getting over things but that's no excuse #i am going to try a lot harder to be better about all the bellyaching

17 notes · View notes

ilovemygaydad · 5 years

Text

Friends in Dark Places [ch 8]

pairing: eventual moxiety, eventual logince, background eventual remile, background eventual remy/emile/deceit

WARNINGS: worry, anxiety, mentions of panic attacks, food mentions, eating, rants about nutrition, boredom, logan being a mother hen, possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter@band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: so i have to repost all of these in a different format! yay fucking me!!!! please consider reblogging these if you’re a fan of this series because it’s all fucked up now

first - previous - next - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

Virgil

Sent at 11:30 am

um, hey pat. where do you guys sit for lunch?

Virgil stood awkwardly at the side of the cafeteria trying to scan the crowd for familiar flashes of blue, but didn’t see anyone who even slightly resembled Patton. He’d barely made it through advisement and second block in one piece; his teachers berated him with questions on where he’d been and, consequently, how he’d gotten into the hospital. He was anxious to see his friend.

“Hey, Virgil!” a voice cheerily said behind him. Virgil whipped around and found Roman and Logan standing with expectant faces. It was only now that he saw how vastly different their heights were.

“Oh my god, you guys scared the shit out of me! A little warning would be appreciated next time.” Virgil used his lunch tray to angrily gesture at the pair of friends.

Logan pursed his lips. “We apologize, Virgil. Patton told us to look for you once we’d gotten to the cafeteria so that you wouldn’t get lost, but you were obviously faster than us. We’ll show you to the table.” Logan led him to a lunch table in the far corner, away from all of the commotion.

“Virge! Are you feeling better?” Pat greeted as they walked up. He cleared a space beside himself for Virgil, while Logan and Roman sat across from them.

“Um, I guess.” Virgil slid his tray onto the table and awkwardly maneuvered himself so he was sitting on the bench.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling ill?” Logan questioned, concern flashing on his face. Virgil opened his mouth to reply, but Patton spoke up instead.

“He’s had a kinda bad day since he missed so much school last week, Lo. Virge’s totally okay health-wise, so don’t worry,” Patton assured, patting Virgil on the head. The receiver of the pat groaned softly, but he still gave a small smile to his friend. Patton just had this aura that made Virgil feel calm.

“Well, I hope your day gets better, Halloween Town,” Roman commented as he took a bite of his sandwich, careful not smudge any of his lipstick.

“Additional affirmation.”

Virgil just nodded at their sentiments and stirred the cream and tan gloop on his tray. It was actually his favorite school lunch: mashed potatoes with turkey and gravy. However, just because it was his favorite, that didn’t mean it didn’t look (nor smell, sometimes) like hot vomit. He stabbed the soupy meal and took a bite. When Virgil looked up from his food, he found the other three staring at him.

“Um… What’s up, guys?” He asked, suddenly self conscious. A beat passed before Roman spoke.

“You… electively eat that stuff?” The dramatic teen pointed at the wilted lettuce and mashed potatoes with disgust.

Virgil nodded slowly. “Yeah? I mean, I don’t usually have the stuff to make my own lunch, and I’ve been eating school lunches for the past eleven-ish years, so I’m mostly desensitized to it. It’s fucking gross, but it’s food at least.” He punctuated his point by taking another bite of the glop. Logan paled.

“That cannot have any nutritional value. It’s all starches and fake meat; there’s barely any protein in the meat substitute they use because it’s ‘much cheaper’ that way! I mean, it’s practically criminal to be feeding that to children, especially since they need all of the nutrition they can get to grow.” Logan ran his hands through his hair in distress and dug around in his paper lunch bag. “Here! Please just eat some soup with real meat.”

Virgil hesitantly took the blue and black thermos and unscrewed the lid. Inside there was a pretty decent amount of what looked like chicken noodle soup. “Uh, thanks, Logan. But I don’t have-”

Lo held out a plastic spoon. Ah. Virgil took that as well and began to eat. It was way better than the lunch he’d bought. He idly listened to the others as they talked about their classes and what they planned on doing after school. He heard something about maybe going to a park, but Virgil wasn’t really sure if they meant a playground or one where you could bike around and go swimming.

“So what do you think, Virge?” Patton asked, making him jump.

“What do I think about what?” He, admittedly, had stopped listening a while ago and had ended up just drinking from his water bottle and staring at his lunch tray.

“Would you like to go to a party at the Westview park tonight? A few of our friends thought of a rather fantastic idea where they transform the picnic area into a mystical wonderland, and we all can have dinner together,” Roman explained, using vivid hand gestures as he spoke. At one point, he almost flung his hand straight into Logan’s face.

Virgil scrunched up his nose, weighing the pros and cons. “I dunno, guys. I don’t know any of your friends. Wouldn’t I just be intruding on your fun?”

“Of course you wouldn’t, kiddo! I’m sure Valerie and Jo and everyone else would love to meet you! Especially Talyn. They have a very similar style to you.” Patton’s voice was encouraging, but Virgil still wasn’t sure.

“Let me think about it for a bit. I’ll let you know tonight.” He got up to dump his tray, arriving back to the table just as the lunch bell rang. The four friends said their goodbyes and went to class.

—

The rest of the day passed pretty painlessly. Virgil finished all of his homework in class with tons extra time to spare. He texted Patton to stop his boredom.

Virgil

Read at 1:10 pm

pat I finished all of my homework what should i do?

Patton

Delivered at 1:11 pm

You could do some doodling! That’s always a fun pastime for me when I’m bored in class.

Virgil looked down at his papers, which were filled with designs for letterheads for Pat, Logan, and Roman.

Virgil

Read at 1:13 pm

uhhhh yeah i kinda already filled up three pages with doodles

Patton

Delivered at 1:13 pm

Okay, well, are you listening to music?

Virgil

Read at 1:14 pm

yeah i’m listening to my playlist. any other ideas

Patton

Delivered at 1:16 pm

…doodle some more?

Virgil

Read at 1:17 pm

yeah okay i’ll try that again, pat :)

—

Later that evening, after Logan had dropped them off at Patton’s house, Virgil and Pat were lounging on the black comforter in the former’s bedroom, listening to music and helping each other with various things for school. Patton was still extremely confused about physics.

“Alright. You got these force and acceleration questions perfectly fine, but I don’t think these friction questions are quite right,” Virgil pointed out the minor flaws in the calculations with a pencil before walking his friend through the problem step by step.

“Ohhhhhhh. That makes a lot more sense.” Pat looked over the paper and flipped his notebook shut, clearly done with homework for the day. “So, have you thought about the party at all?”

Virgil sighed. He’d hoped Patton would’ve forgotten that they’d invited him to come along so he wouldn’t have to disappoint him. “Uh, yeah, about that…”

Patton’s face fell ever so slightly, though he still had a smile on his face. “It’s okay if you don’t want to go. We just thought you might enjoy it. Logan’s going to be picking me up soon, so I should probably start getting ready.” He stood up and began to head for the bedroom door.

“Actually, I would like to go,” Virgil rushed before he could even think about what he was saying. He really needed better self control.

“Really? That’s awesome! You don’t have to dress up, but we’re having a bit of a fantasy theme, so you can do whatever you’d like with that. I’m just going to put some glitter in my hair.” Virgil perked up at the idea of dressing up.

“Um, Pat, if you want me to do some makeup on you, I can. I’m not that great, but I can put some glittery eyeshadow and stuff on your face,” he offered, already planning what he’d do for himself.

“That’d be great, kiddo! I’ll be right back; I want to grab a different sweater.” When Patton returned, he was wearing a black jumper with little shimmery strands of thread woven into it. He truly looked magical.

Virgil rounded up the few pieces of makeup that’d been taken from his house and sat Pat at the end of his bed, swinging his desk chair around and sitting in front of his friend. He first applied eye primer and then began to pat on different glittery shades of purple and blue and smoking them out with a little bit of black. Then he applied the same shadows under Patton’s eyes and gave him just a bit of mascara (Patton wouldn’t sit still for that part, and Virgil just gave up on trying). He dusted a bunch of white shimmery eyeshadow to the highlight points and swiped deep blue lipstick onto his lips.

Virgil leaned back to admire his work. “Pat, you look absolutely glittery.” A smile spread across his friend’s face as he began to bounce lightly on the bed

“LetmeseeletmeseeVirgilletmesee!” Patton squealed. Virgil obliged, handing him a little compact mirror and as Pat looked in awe at himself.

“Are you going to do yourself next? Oooo, can I watch?” Patton inquired, looking more excited than ever. Virgil nodded and began to apply makeup to himself. He chose a darker look, applying deep purple and black to his eyes and expertly drawing a sharp wing with eyeliner. His lips were colored with a matching purple and he swiped some glittery lavender highlighter on his cheekbones. Raising his eyebrows, Virgil looked at Pat for his opinion.

“Virgilohmygoodnessyoulookabsolutelyfantastic!” Patton held his hands over his face in a childish but sweet gesture.

“Aww, thanks, Pat.” Virgil smiled brightly and stood up, padding his way to where he’d thrown all of his shoes, and chose a pair of black high tops that had secret heels in them. It was just the little touch of femininity that his outfit needed to tie everything together. He slipped on a black beanie that he’d also thrown into the shoe pile and sat back down beside the still-gawking Patton.

“You good, dude? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Virgil commented with a tiny smirk. Patton aggressively threw his arms around Virgil, tackling him onto the bed.

“I’M JUST SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU LOOK SO CONFIDENT, AND I’M PROUD OF THAT!” Virgil laughed and awkwardly tried to return the hug-tackle.

“Okay, Patton. I get it. Now can you please stop half-laying on top of me?” Patton just hugged him harder.

#sanders sides fic #logince #moxiety #m writes things #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders

13 notes · View notes

killian-whump · 6 years

Text

OUAT 3x01: Rewatch Blog

Welcome aboard, mateys! It's time to start rewatching Season 3! As usual, I'm a bit behind everyone else on this rewatch, but I've decided it's more fun for me to move at my own pace, so I probably won't be catching up anytime soon ;)

That said... Let's get started on Once Upon a Time Season 3!!!

Whoa. Wait a minute. Eleven Years Ago?! I really AM behind... ;)

Seriously, though. Do they really have to handcuff her ankle to the bed? Do they have a problem with women in labor jumping up and escaping prison right at that precise moment in their lives?

That's sad, though :(

Ooooh... I love the deadly stillness after the ship "lands" in Neverland. It's so... eeeeeeeerie.

Ahhh, and the ominous look on Killian's face.

You can just FEEL the tension in the air.

"Aye. Neverland."

AHHHHHHHH TENSION AND ANGST

Kinda lame title card, haha.

Aw, great. It's this guy. NOBODY MISSED YOU GREG. YOU CAN GO BACK TO WHEREVER YOU WENT DURING THE HIATUS NOW.

SHIT. HE BROUGHT TAMARA, TOO.

I really hate these two, guys. Like, really.

Oh, come on. Don't shove a fucking kid, you asshat. Fucking GREG. You're an insult to your name, and I don't even like your name.

Oooooh, spooky noises. I love the atmosphere they built for this realm.

"Who we work for is not your concern, kid." Well, according to YOU as of about 20 minutes ago in show time, it's not YOUR concern either, dipshit.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THERE'S SAND IN YOUR BATTERY COMPARTMENT, YOU FUCKING MORON. WHO PUT SAND IN YOUR BATTERY COMPARTMENT, HUH? YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Shut up, shut up. I know it was Peter Pan. LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT.

"It's a good thing you guys don't ask any questions." Hahahaha, bested by an 11-year-old and sand.

...and there he goes, shoving the damn kid again. You're just a colossal jerk, aren't you, Greg?

At least Tamara has the sense to look mildly concerned right here.

"Oh, I know, my hot-headed queen."

I JUST DIED. Forward my mail to my gravesite.

I totally forgot that line ever happened. I love rewatching this show.

"I hope not, or we've wasted our lives." AAAAAAANGST

"Your lives... well... THEY'VE SUCKED" hahaha, Why don’t you tell them what you really think, Emma XD

"We found you." Awww... "And lost Henry! And Neal!" Well, to be fair, it's not like you can expect them to give two shits about Neal. They met him, like, last week. And he's kinda a dick. And his Dad's, like, evil incarnate. But okay.

"Oh, that's a great use of our time: A wardrobe change." One of the best lines ever, really.

I mean, did Rumple really need to do the dramatic cane-spinning exit, though? It makes for good TV, so it's cool and all, but imagine it in real life. Like, just a boat full of people staring at where he once stood, thinking, "JFC That was unnecessarily dramatic."

OH, YEAH, LET'S LIGHT A FUCKING FIRE, GREG. THAT'S A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, GREG. Fucking loser.

Yes, I do plan on doing this until he dies. You have your hobbies; I have mine.

"You making S'Mores?"

HAAAAAAHHAHAHAHA OMG LOOK AT HIS FACE:

Fucking goon. Haha. I named that screencap "assface" when I saved it, because I feel it's fitting for both the character AND the face he's making.

"What if the empty communicator wasn't an accident?"

You mean the one someone OBVIOUSLY filled with sand instead of batteries ON PURPOSE??? Noooooooooooo.

"Don't let the kid get in your head." He's not even TRYING, Greg. He's just hungry and wants some fucking S'Mores. I want some S'Mores, too. We all want fucking S'Mores. S'Mores are delicious, FuckingGreg.

OH LOOK, IT'S FELIX.

AND ALL THE REST OF THE LOST BOYS ONES BOYS. I think we’re calling them “Boys” now. Must have gotten the rights.

Kill him, Felix. Somebody. Anybody. I'll even settle for the annoying Lost Boy with the face that annoys me, although I don't think he's in this season, but he's welcome to join it IF HE KILLS GREG.

"Then you're not getting the boy." Oh, Greg. It is entirely too late for you to do anything remotely likable now. Like, I literally want to throw Henry at them now just to spite you.

YEEEEESSSSSSSSSS RIP THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S SOUL OUT OF HIS BODY. TAKE HIS SPINE, TOO. THE ENTIRE SKELETAL SYSTEM. MAYBE A DISEMBOWELING'S CALLED FOR HERE?

Or, you know, you can just leave his husk there by the fire to rot away. That's good, too. I'm not picky.

GREG IS DEAD, EVERYBODY.

Tamara and Henry are running! Oh no! Will they make it? Will they-

This is a great scene, everybody. Thank you so much. This is the best thing to ever happen to me and the season only started 10 minutes ago.

Hahaha, they even show us a close-up of Tamara lying motionless on the ground, and then Greg. Like they KNOW we've all been waiting for their demise and they wanted to give us screenshots for our scrapbooks.

Anyway, thanks Felix! That was pretty cool. Much obliged.

Hey, look. An enterprising young chap has helped Henry up. There's no way he could be a bad guy.

I have to say, of all the "twists" in Once, this was one of the worst ones in terms of how OBVIOUS it was.

To some extent, it's the casting department's fault, because Robbie Kay is just TOO fucking perfect for Peter Pan. Like, he just EXUDES Peter Pan and he's not fooling anybody.

Heeheehee CS flirting <3

"What do you want?" All due respect, but it's HIS fucking ship? Like, he doesn't really need a reason to be below deck on his own ship?

"I didn't realize you were sentimental." "I'm not."

I love it when he spits the cork out, but how many corks does this man go through?!

Oh, look. Speak of the devil - It's Neal.

"Tell Emma I'm alive. And I love her."

Well, that's a GREAT message to pass on through your kiiiiiid. Won't get his hopes up or anything.

ANYWAY.

"Long enough to know I miss him, too." T_T

UH OH. TROUBLE'S AFOOT!!!

Oh, Dave and Snow are at the helm. That explains it. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE, SNOWING. Gosh.

Pun intended. I'm so sorry.

Regina: "What the hell are you two doing?!" Ahahahahaha :D

"Prepare for attack!" "Be more specific!" I love all these interactions. This is like the WORST family vacation EVER and I love every second of it.

"What's out there? A shark? A whale?" "A kraken?"

YOU FUCKING WISH.

Actually, no, Dave probably doesn't wish... but Kraken-san does! :D

Emma's response is classic. "Mermaids?!" Like what the fuck else does she have to put up with in this crazy sham of a life NOOOOW?

Dave's kinda hot manning that cannon, I gotta say. He's showing off some guns firing off that gun, if you know what I mean.

But really, what did they plan to DO with one mermaid, anyway? Especially after Regina chased them all off with her fireballs?

Oh, look. Henry and Totally-Not-Peter-Pan are on the run!

I'm super fooled by him talking himself up in third person, though XD

"If Pan wants you... he WILL get you."

"Pan will rip their shadows into oblivion."

"Pan loves nachos with spicy cheese."

"Pan is the awesomest guy on this island."

Aw, man. This scene is a snoozefest :/

Literally. They're all just watching Aurora sleep XD

Wait. HOW is Neal feeling better? He got shot, like, 10 minutes ago in show time and he's had no REAL medical care, aside from whatever they bandaged him with, since none of these folks here have magic.

HOW IS HE FEELING BETTER?!

I gotta be honest, though. Rumple is hot as SHIT in this season. I ain't gonna pretend otherwise. This leather clad badass thing WORKS for him.

Oh, look. Tamara's still alive.

"C-Can you forgive me?"

I'm gonna guess that is a HARD ASS NO, bitch.

Haha, love the way he flicks the dust off his fingers.

"GET THAT THING OFF MY SHIP!"

I love how panicked he is by the mermaid XD It gives my entire life meaning :D

I wish we had more information in canon about Hook's time in Neverland. We can tell this is FAR from his first skirmish with mermaids, but how/when/why/what happened? I NEED TO KNOW! Especially if it involved wounds or peril or other things relevant to my interests...

Touching Mulan and Neal chat.

More running in the woods with Not!Pan.

"Well, I'm all out of fish food." Love you, Regina <3

"Fillet the bitch." Seriously, love you so much bae <3

Snow's face, tho XD

This is 110% why I watch this show. SHENANIGANS.

...and a pirate. Don't forget the pirate.

"I've outrun many a storm!" We know you have, babe. We know. You keep telling us...

SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL TIME!!!

PERIL ON THE HIGH SEAS!!!

CERTAIN BLETH DEATH!!!

SUPER DRAMATIC MUSIC!!!

...as we cut to a peaceful, though somewhat dilapidated, castle in the Enchanted Forest. Birds are singing, dawn is breaking, the world is alight with hope and possibili-

JUST KIDDING. GET BACK TO THE FUCKING DRAMA STORM, SHOW.

I hate it when they do this.

Hey, Sean. Nice intro.

"You don't want to see ID?" Neal... ISTFG.

Disappearing arrow, heehee. SHENANIGANS.

I love how interested Robin is in what's inside the vault XD Always a thief, eh?

"This isn't a storm. It's bloody damnation!" Love that line <3

"Let the slags go!" Haha "Don't call my wife a slag!" Haha!

BOY FIGHT!! BOY FIGHT!!!

They're all wet, too! Slow down, cameraman! I wanna see ALL of this!!!

Oooh, almost gutted with his own hook. Haaaaarsh.

Emma, no one's listening to you. Emma, no one's... They're not... They're not even looking or paying any attention at all... They won't even- Oh. Okay. Somehow everyone saw you jump, despite literally being in a fight for their respective lives. Neat.

...aaaaaaand cue the convenient rigging falling loose and hitting her in the head.

SHENANIGAAAAAAAAANS

Oh, look! They're flying!!!

This would be super touching if it wasn't, you know, exactly what Pan wants XD

Haha, Emma looks so ethereal floating there, unconscious, in the waters of Neverland, facing certain death.

Awww! A big group effort rescue!!! Good job, team!

"Told you." Right, but no one was listening...? So how do they even know what she's talking about? Well, I guess maybe they WERE listening...?

Shenanigans? idek anymore...

SHENANIGANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awww... Bobby's acting is so great right here. This is awesome. Very moving. The part after the shenanigans, I mean. Although they’re great, too.

Felix, you're kinda a dick, though. That’s kinda a compliment, tho?

I love it when magic flops :D Dramatic music aaaaaand... nothing.

"Actually, I quite fancy you from time to time, when you're not yelling at me."

You like her even more when she's yelling at you, son. IT IS KNOWN.

His offended face when Charming says, "With him?" XD DAVE, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS ABOUT ME. DAVE, I THOUGHT WE WERE PALS. DAVE. DAAAAVE.

Hahaha, his adorable shrug to Regina. SHENANIGANS <3

"You couldn't be more right, Henry."

I'm so glad they didn't try to drag out the reveal of Pan to another episode, because he seriously wasn't fooling aaaaaanybody.

Except for Henry. Oops?

It's so great how ominous they're being at the end of this episode, advancing on Henry like that...

Although Pan's "let's play!" is a lot less frightening when you know he literally means "let's dance around a fire and create a rhythmic ruckus" but hey. It still works for the ending of this episode, which is now... OVER!!

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!! PEW PEW PEW!!!

#ouat rewatch #watching fairytales #3x01 #oc #kw reviews #not whxmp

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stussybrad · 6 years

Text

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN!

Yes I know, I died for a bit but I’m back for release week! And as a blog tradition, here’s my messy reaction of Night & Day: Day Edition

Just My Type

Initial reaction: SICKEST BASSLINE. i love that i could actually hear the guitars. love the breakdown in the prechorus with the claps

Full listen: a really strong lead single - sick beat and shows maturity with the lyrics. EXCITED TO SING ALONG TO THIS ON TOUR.

there’s a girl still on repeat plays in my mind won’t let me sleep

Hair Too Long

Initial reaction: love all the bg vocals. catchy af. bit surprised with the second verse but i love it especially love the ‘it might seem cruel’ part bc holy vocals

Full listen: i fucking love this song. idk what this was (promo single or what) but it deserved better

i don’t wanna be this cold shivering into my bones someone reset my soul

Talk Later

Initial reaction: that beat omg. THE HOTEL LOBBY SONG!!!! love how it builds up and you expect a huge bass drop but its a pretty chill chorus. also very cheeky. wait why is there a piano out of nowhere????

Full listen: though the lyrics are a bit cheeky i really love how this was written. also how can you not love that beat???? one of my favs for sure

i get confused, putting labels on things makes them complicated

Too Good To Be True

Initial reaction: my boy serving vocals. a bit overproduced. mgk’s verse surprisingly fits the song

Full listen: idk why they had to rearrange the verses on the album version though it threw me off a bit but yes i love it

I’m hung on your words give me something to believe in

For You

Initial reaction: WHAT. SAM SMITH VIBES W THAT PIANO. OHMYGODDDD WHATTTT???? LOVE THAT CHOIR LIKE CHORUS. HIGH NOTES HELLO!!! AND THOSE LYRICS GIRLLLLL MY HEART IS BURSTING!!!!!

Full listen: ITS SO DIFFERENT FROM THE FIRST FEW SONGS BUT I FUCKING LOVE IT. Brad started writing this 4 years ago AND!!! he produced and mixed this!!!! WHAT A TALENTED MAN I LOVE THIS EVEN MORE

remember all the mornings you would make me late cause i couldn’t bare to leave you when you look at me the way you do

What Your Father Says

Initial reaction: BRAD I LOVE YOU BUT I CANT UNDERSTAND A THING. ALSO BIGGEST LIE OF THE YEAR: BRAD IS BAD NEWS??? CHORUS SOUNDS LIKE HE’S LIKE SCREAMING INTO MY SOUL??? HE DONT LIKE MY HAIR HE DONT LIKE MY MUSIC OHHHHHH DAMNNNNNN

Full listen: WHAT THE HELL I DIDNT EXPECT THIS AT ALL?????? ALSO FUCK WHAT YOUR FATHER SAYSS!!!! i watched the explicit live acoustic version after this and went to fucking heaven 15/10 IN MY TOP 3 FAV SONGS FROM THIS ALBUM

told me he dont like my hair he don’t like my music told me that i better run otherwise he’ll lose it

Cheap Wine

Initial reaction: okay another dancey track i dont mind. it kinda reminds me of hideaway/scars. CHORUS IS CATCHY AF

Full listen: YEAH OK I GET WHY PEOPLE LOVE THIS SONG. I LIKE IT. do i think it’s next single-worthy? NO they have better songs in this album soz

I drank too much cheap wine gonna spill this heart of mine

Time Is Not On Our Side

Initial reaction: ITS NOT ACOUSTIC WHY??? but i could actually understand the words now!!! ALSO THANKS I DIDNT NEED MY HEART TODAYYY

Full listen: SUCH A BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN SAD SONG. I still wish they kept it acoustic (kinda like million words) but I love it so much. and i admit i didn’t really like this when they first performed it on tour but what a mistake ITS A DAMN BEAUTIFUL SONG

looking in your eyes night after night night after night and i see where i gotta stay day after day day after day to find peace

Pictures Of Us

Initial reaction: interesting song but it doesnt leave a mark on me. sounds too generic. the lyrics are great though and you get the sentiment

Full listen: i mean its not bad but i think they could do better. Day deserved a better album closer. But who knows maybe it’ll grow on me

Is it your eyes or my eyes that’s making the tears fall?

Overall

WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. I wish i could unhear the previously released songs so i could experience this album in its entirety. THAT WOULDVE BEEN AMAZING. also i really love their songwriting on this album bc it shows their maturity and i feel like this really is their most personal one yet. i think for me, it’s more like summer night vibes than day? and the night edition was like autumn night vibes? idk if that makes sense lmao but that’s how i hear it. also they said this was more like meet the vamps with all the guitars but… where? I mean I guess the songs are more focused on the instruments but still far from MTV. But at the same time, I’m not expecting it to be. I understand their need to grow and evolve as artists (i hope everyone does too).

That being said, I still think this is a very solid effort from the boys. I applaud them for being able to write songs that shows maturity and at the same time be able to pour out their emotions through it. Releasing a great album every year and touring all over the world is a great feat for a fairly young band like them so I respect that a whole lot. And maybe we’ll never go back to the MTV era but they are creating music they love, bringing out bops after bops, getting recognized for their hard work and honestly, I couldn’t be more prouder of them.

Rating: 4.5/5

Quick notes about the bonus songs:

Sometimes it rains in LA deserved to be in the standard version

If I Was Your Man and Kiss is okayyy

I fucking love Con’s & James’ bonus songs

I didn’t know NHC was in one of the songs I love it

Juicy Fruit in one word: W H Y ?

‘SOMETIMES’ BROKE MY HEART. MADE ME APPRECIATE BRAD EVEN MORE AND HAVE DECIDED TO LOVE HIM FOREVER AND EVER

DON’T FORGET TO BUY/STREAM/LISTEN TO THE ALBUM HERE:

NIGHT & DAY: DAY EDITION

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disabilitythinking · 6 years

Text

"My Scoliosis Story"

In January 1977, I had spinal fusion surgery to arrest and correct worsening Scoliosis. I was 10 years old. It was done at the Montreal Children’s Hospital, in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. It was the most serious and complex of the many surgeries I have had in my life to address various aspects of my underlying condition, which is Arthrogryposis. A little over five years ago, I blogged about what I remember from that experience:

Hospital Memories Disability Thinking - November 7, 2013

I’m thinking about all of this again now because I recently discovered, quite by accident, several YouTube videos documenting Scoliosis surgeries and recoveries. For a few days I was sort of obsessed with them. So far, I’ve watched 8-10 series of videos. These are my two favorites

Julia Carlile // merseygirls

youtube

This is the first series I stumbled upon. It turns out Julia is semi-famous in the UK, as a member of “Britain’s Got Talent” competitors “Mersey Girls,” a dance troupe. But I didn’t figure that out until well into her series of videos documenting her scoliosis surgery.

TheScoliosisDiaries

youtube

This young woman and her mother are hilarious together, and in the best way. They really don’t seem to be putting on a show, and their attitude seems genuine, with only a very small dose of hipster irony.

The first thing I noticed about these, and the six or so other video series I watched, was that their surgeries and recoveries were much more effective and less arduous than mine were 41 years ago. They were sitting up less than 24 hours after surgery, and walking the next day. None of them were in casts or back braces afterwards. They all got dramatic curvature correction. Julia’s operation even left her spine flexible, so she can continue dancing. It’s just really impressive.

My biggest surprise is that I’m not a bit envious or resentful that their experiences and outcomes seem so much better than mine. Honestly, I’m not. I’ve asked myself several times … “Doesn’t this make you angry?” No. It doesn’t. It’s super interesting to me, but that’s all. I guess that’s good, but it’s also a little weird.

My other takeaway is that I’m reconsidering my feelings about “inspiration porn” and the usefulness of the Medical Model as ways for some disabled people to process their own disabilities.

Some of the “Scoliosis Journey “videos I’ve watched are heavy on inspiration … all about “fighting” Scoliosis, with soundtracks of self-esteem-themed pop songs, and bland platitudes about overcoming and perseverance. But just as many of the videos are more subtle, straightforward, and unsentimental, like the videos embedded above. The people in them talk about their feelings and thoughts in specifics. They present as unique personalities, with distinct points of view, experiencing real things, not players in an overworked narrative. They are also funny, and I find that makes a huge difference.

Granted, there is probably a lot missing from these videos. For instance:

- We see some fear and anxiety, but little hint of real confusion, or any sense of feeling trapped and forced into the procedure. Maybe that’s because they all are really okay with what’s happening, but it’s got to be a pretty common feeling among children and adolescents undergoing this procedure.

- There’s little to no evidence of real conflict or even minor friction with the hospital staff. Again, maybe that’s because everything went swimmingly. But on average, I would say it’s more common for there to be at least some disagreement or personality clashes during a hospital stay, even if it’s just irritation that never becomes serious. I wonder if it would even be possible to continue with this kind of documentation if some kind of dispute emerged. Would the hospital try to shut down filming that looks like it’s going to make them look bad, instead of cheerfully participating as they seem to do in these videos?

- Only one or two of the videos I watched included any hint of viewing Scoliosis as a disability, in the broader, social identity sense. For most of these people, it’s just a medical condition to be taken care of. A few seem to view their documentation as a kind of peer mentoring for other people with Scoliosis, which can be the start of a broader disability consciousness. But for the most part, the people in these videos don’t yet seem to have much of a sense disability identity, good or bad.

And you know what? They seem to be fine anyway. Maybe its a good reminder that while the Social Model and disability identity contribute to a full understanding of disability and addressing correctable injustices in society, they aren’t always necessary for individual disabled people to live a happy life.

As for “inspiration porn,” the key to me is that these really are the patient’s own stories, told from their point of view, even though it’s almost always parents behind the cameras. Even when family and friends appear on camera, they don’t try to make the story all about them. I am also struck by the fact that although these people are clearly approaching Scoliosis from a Medical Model point of view, none of them seem to view themselves as “fighting” Scoliosis, and the sure don’t seem to hate the way they are or feel flawed or ostracized. They’re hopeful of improvement, but not particularly desperate.

The only thing i would like to say to these young people about their experience is that I hope they never feel they have to be cheerful and positive all the time. I’m sure they aren’t always upbeat anyway, but I hope they don’t beat themselves up about it when the pain in their backs, or maybe the funny way people may still look at them, gets them down. Like I said, they seem to be doing just fine without a deep relationship with disability culture or an understanding of the nature of ableism. But it’s one thing to be a positive person. It’s another to think it’s your responsibility to be that way.

These stories are obviously not fully representative of Scoliosis, and certainly not of disability in general. But I think they might be useful examples of how to maintain a healthy mix of the Medical and Social models, and a healthy balance between sentimentality and practicality when telling your disability story … to others and even to yourself.

#Biography #Medical #Video #Ideas

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all-about-wannaone · 6 years

Text

2/100 Ways To Say I Love You

Pairing: Bae Jinyoung x OC (Gong Yoojung)

Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, Slice of Life

Prompt: “It reminded me of you.”

Words: 2201

A/N: Truth be told, I actually wrote 10 of these during my hiatus but I did not post any of them due to the fact that I only wrote them as a form of stress relief, but I had no time to proof read them. :( Now that my exams are over (3 days ago actually), I’m so excited to be able to write, edit and share them with all of you, Wannable or not. :) Thank you for flooding my inbox with scenario requests, written ships and just some encouraging messages. <3 You guys are truly the best and do keep looking forward to them! :) I shall stop rambling and happy reading everyone!

The pale yellow moon hung in the night sky, with its light filtering through the trees surrounding this empty patch of grass, which was supposedly situated in the heart of Korea University. Furthermore, the moon also seemed to be nestled in a sky full of stars that winked back at me playfully.

I was never one to watch the stars, which seemed a little strange, but in a life full of glitz and glamour, it was difficult to appreciate the little things, simply because they passed by so quickly. When I was not doing anything with regards to blogging or my social life, such as attending events, I was either cooped up in the library or my dorm room studying for the upcoming examinations.

Hence, it was as if stargazing had become a breath of fresh air for me. As I observed them, I started to notice areas of the sky where the stars were birthstone blue and beautiful— all glitter in their heavenly finery. The ones far away, almost as if they were out of human comprehension, were like flashing pinpricks in a veil of darkness. They had a faint, silver tint and seemed like glittering sparks from angel fire.

It almost seemed like they were beacons of hope for the lost souls here, or so I thought, and I felt privileged to have witnessed such a phenomenon.

“It’s pretty isn’t it?”

And I turned around, only to meet the gentle gaze from my boyfriend, Bae Jinyoung. He shot me a small smile, before looking back up at the sky and said, “Aren’t you glad you came out for once? You clearly needed a breather from all that heavy biology and chemistry content. Indeed, I admire you for actually willing to study medicine, even if it was against your will.”

With that, I placed a hand behind my head, letting his words sink in, and he was right. Only God would know why I continued to stick with the study of medicine, considering that I could have done so much better in the Social Sciences. Then again, my parents owned a pharmaceutical company, and they clearly needed someone to pass the baton to when it was time. Hence, I simply had no choice but to keep up the tradition.

In fact, they would probably be disappointed if they found out about the second life that I led in the wide webisphere, lamenting and nagging endlessly about how I should spend my life doing useful things “for the benefit of the world”, they said. Given the time we spent with each other every year, there was hardly any time for us to understand one another anyway. Therefore, combined with how stubborn they were, I was not going to be surprised if I ended up disowned for things that I truly wanted to pursue.

No, I did not hate studying medicine. In fact, I did not mind it, because I had an interest in Chemistry and Biology, but there was just so much more that I wanted. I understood why I had to do this, but there were times when I wished that they could have been a little more accepting, instead of dismissing me immediately and telling me that they had no time to deal with my apparent stubbornness.

“Hey… You alright?”

And I turned around once more, only to realise that Jinyoung was way closer this time around, and our faces were merely inches away from each other. At the distance, I could not help but to feel all warm and fuzzy inside, getting a sense of comfort and feeling the tension in my shoulders and neck ease.

“W-why wouldn’t I be okay?” I stammered in response, seeing that he had probably read my mind and he sighed in response.

“I don’t know… You just seem quieter than usual today.”

I chuckled at that statement a little and said in a pretty convincing manner, “I… was just thinking about how this is my first time actually taking the time off to appreciate the things around me, especially on a rugby field that has probably become our second home. Thanks Baejin.”

He smiled at that comment bashfully and despite the dim light, it was clear enough to see that he had gotten shy too. He was rubbing his eyes a little with his free hand, and that was his way of conveying his sentiments of shyness. It was adorable, to say the least, and it definitely made one want to squeeze his adorable and soft cheeks.

We retreated back to a comfortable silence, listening to the wind as it howled over our entire being, causing the leaves in the trees to rustle. In addition, there was also the sound of crickets creaking nearby, adding on to the feeling of freedom that nature always seemed to bring.

“So…” Jinyoung asked curiously, breaking the silence, “Have you told your parents that you wanted to pursue a double degree?”

“Uhhh…”

And that was when my jar of emotions that I had been trying so hard to keep intact shattered, and I felt the bitter tears cascade down my cheek. Thankfully, the lights were dimmer than usual, and he was still looking at the stars, watching them as if his eyes twinkled along with them. Surely he would not have noticed.

“Are you… crying?”

Damn it, way to go Yoojung. You thought you could fool someone who studies Anthropology and is on his way to achieving a degree in Psychology too? What a way to think.

I sighed, chuckling a little and wiping the tears with the sleeve of my pullover while dabbing my eyes gently.

“Ha… Just when I thought I could fool a anthropologist-cum-psychologist. I guess I was wrong huh?”

I tried my best to plaster a smile on my face, but I was only reciprocated with a gaze of sadness and pity from Jinyoung, and that was when he decided to come even closer. Next, he used his strength to live me up slightly and made sure that his arms could be wrapped around me, before pulling me tighter into a warm embrace.

Yes, it was a little unromantic, but it was as if I had been protected with a blanket of warmth, shielding me from the cold reality of the world. My head was on his chest, and I could hear his steady and calm heartbeat, which definitely put me at ease for once. I took in a deep breath, but it felt as if more tears were threatening to fall at this point, and he could probably hear how hard I tried to keep myself together.

“Just let it all out.”

And so I did, for a pretty long time in fact, as I let out all the stresses and pressure that I had been carrying on my shoulders after putting in so much effort to convince my parents into letting me do what I wanted to do. At the end of the day, it was all in vain anyway, so why bother trying again?

Finally, it was as if I had managed to let most of my emotions go, drenching Jinyoung’s white shirt in the process. I apologised when I realised what I had done, of course, but he only smiled and shook his head, stroking my hair lovingly as I adjusted myself to be even closer and placed an arm on his torso.

“People usually cuddle in beds, Jung, not in the middle of a rugby field.”

I could not help but to laugh heartily at the statement (as I continued to cry the last of my tears), teasing, “Geez, who knew that this quiet master of Anthropology could have such cute and hilarious comments?”

“Aishhh… I’m not cute.” He replied and pouted, but I only gave him a kiss on the cheek, turning him once again into a beetroot.

After some time, Jinyoung broke the silence again, asking in a calm tone, “Jung, do you remember the set of succulents that I gave you?”

“Of course I do,” I scoffed, “Seonha told me of how you nearly threw it at her when you realised that I was not at home. How could I forget? I laughed till my sides hurt when I heard the story.”

He rolled his eyes and I laughed again, before he himself could no longer hold it in anymore, and the both of us ended up laughing in good spirit. My tears were already gone and I definitely felt more free after I had let go of all my emotions, even if it meant leaving Jinyoung with a translucent patch on his shoulder from my tears. Thankfully, he did not seem to mind, assuring me that the wind would take care of it.

“Anyway, why did you get me a set of succulents? I love them, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not something you give to your crush, I assume?”

“Well…” He paused, letting out an embarrassed chuckle and continued, “I g-got that for you b-b-because it reminded me of y-you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Okay, I didn’t mean for it to have that kind of association. I swear —“

“I’m just kidding, Bae, live a little. C’mon, amuse me.” I replied with a smirk and he only shook his head, thinking of the proper words to use, ensuring that it did not bring about any form of negative connotation.

“Firstly, you know how succulents and cacti survive in harsh environments with crazy temperatures such as deserts?”

“Yes genius.”

“Stop ruining the moment!” He exclaimed, trying his best to be serious, only to be reduced to a shy giggly mess.

“Like those succulents, you were a pretty tough cookie, both on the outside and the inside. You joined touch rugby, despite having no prior experience, intimidated the life out of me when I ended up at the wrong training session… In addition, you stood up against those who did not like you too much, despite you being well loved by a vast majority.”

“You stood up for me though…” I said, voice trailing off as I thought back to that one moment which I never expected a person like Jinyoung to get involved.

“I did, but what I admired about you was that you were able to put all that negativity behind and continued to pursue your interests at heart. It didn’t matter what people said, because you were going to go against the odds anyway.”

I found myself smiling little by little at Jinyoung’s words and truth be told, I had never expected those to come from someone as quiet, shy and introverted as he was. He was a man of few words, showing his love and affection through his actions rather than painstakingly trying to put together an entire monologue on how grateful he was, or how much he loved.

“Oh, and before I forget…”

“There’s more?” I asked, a little surprised that he could come up with such a long analogy for a gift of succulents. However, he was also a student from the school of the Arts and the Social Sciences, and did a short module on Philosophy. Hence, what could we not expect then?

“I’m not sure how true this is, but given the fact that cacti and succulents store water, which is also something that gives life, isn’t that you in a nutshell? You’re tough, independent, capable and yet, you are someone who, despite her prickly nature and impression, gives people life, positivity and happiness, just by your presence alone.”

“Awwww…”

Indeed, I could not help but coo as I experienced a tug of my heartstrings with his short, yet sweet words. For once, I was lost for words, and even struggled to say a word of gratitude, knowing that I would probably turn into a cloud at some point.

“T-thanks Bae. I-I really appreciate that. B-By the way, your succulents are still alive and well. They’re growing little by little, but they’re still healthy, just in case you were doubting my capabilities on taking care of such a hardy plant.”

“No, I know you would take care of it well, because underneath all that exterior is a pure and innocent girl who would not even dare to kill a fly. Indeed, I fell in love with someone who could do both; charismatic on the field, a genius in presentations and an eye for aesthetics on your blog, but just a sweet, lovable and simple girl on the inside.”

“You were a brave soul really and even Daniel warned you that I wasn’t easy. I’m surprised you kept going for it, even after knowing that I had rejected many others before you.” I replied.

He smiled at the thought and sighed, before replying and ending it off once and for all with a sweet and soft kiss on my lips.

“Perhaps they were all too scared to do so and the same went for you. Only the brave and curious would dare hug a cactus and besides, you were the girl of my dreams. Like my mother always told me— sometimes, all you have to do is muster the courage and follow your dreams.”

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let-it-raines · 5 years

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Second in Command (Ch. 20)

Summary: Life as the "spare to the heir" isn't all that it's cracked up to be when you're the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don't know what really happens behind closed doors.

Rating: Mature

A/N: Full disclosure, I have never been huge on royalty. I’ve always thought it was interesting watching the glamorous lives they lead, but it’s not generally my cup of tea. That said, I somehow sat down and wrote all of these words about a fictitious royal family simply because I needed an interesting way to keep two characters from being together. Who knew it would spark my imagination and pique the interest of you guys the way it did?

So it started with a man getting caught in the rain and wandering into a pub, meeting a woman, and it’s ending with a woman wandering into a chapel, marrying a man.

You guys are the best, and I can never thank you enough. This story is crazy and all over the place, and I most definitely put off writing this chapter because I didn’t want it to end...so look out for the small, multi-part epilogue because I have no chill. Seriously, thank you.

Also, the cover is for those who asked for visuals.

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr Chapters: |1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 18 | 19 | 20

Tag List: @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke@kmomof4 @wellhellotragic @profdanglaisstuff @ekr032-blog-blog @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @a-faekindagirl @mayquita @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @alys07

He cannot sleep, the anticipation of tomorrow morning keeping him up while Liam snores away in the next room. It’s not that he hasn’t tried to fall into a slumber, knowing that no matter how much adrenaline is running through him that tomorrow – or is it today now – will still be a long day. Because he has tried, lying down in bed and shutting his eyes as he endeavored to force himself into sleeping for hours on end. Giving up, miserable staying still as his entire body screams at him to move around, he gets out of bed, grabbing his phone and a sweater before going to walk back and forth out on his balcony.

It’s perfect for his pacing because no one will see him, and he can simply be alone. He doesn’t really want to be alone. He wants to be with Emma, but he can’t exactly do that right now. He can, however, text her. He doesn’t expect Emma to be awake. He wishes her to be asleep so she won’t be as bloody exhausted as he is tomorrow…today…but he’d really just like to talk to her right now.

Killian: You up?

He barely gets a chance to put his phone back into his pocket before he feels it vibrate against his thigh.

Emma: Why Your Highness, are you requesting a royal booty call the night before you’re to be wed? How scandalous.

He can just imagine her saying the words, teasingly batting her eyelashes as she twists her hair between her fingers and softly smiles at him. He chuckles to himself before sitting down on one of the lounge chairs and looking up at the night sky, inky black above the vast land that stretches out ahead of him, the only light coming from the stars above and lanterns at the corner of each balcony railing. He understands the tradition of being separated the night before the wedding, but he’s really hating it right now as he texts her back.

Killian: Not a booty call, but maybe just a call.

His phone rings within the next thirty seconds, and he answers immediately, propping his phone between his shoulder and his ear as he hears Emma’s voice.

“So you requested a call but not of the booty variety?”

A laugh passes through his lips while warmth settles within his chest. If he can’t be with her, this is good enough. “Why aren’t you asleep, love?”

“I think I could ask you the same question.”

“I can’t sleep,” he admits, a slight breeze gusting over him, and he idly hopes that the weather forecast for later stays pleasant and there’s no repeat of the rain from earlier.

“Me either.”

“Are you nervous, Emma?”

“Not nervous to be marrying you. Like, that part I’m okay with. You might even say I’m excited about it.”

“But?”

“I’m nervous because of all of the people watching. I just keep reminding myself that it’s just you and me, just us.”

“Just us.”

It’s silent for a moment, restlessness fading away as he stretches out on the lounger, before she speaks again. “Is Liam snoring?”

“Bloody hell, yes,” he snorts, curling his legs into himself, “but he’s in the other room. How are your roommates?”

“Fast asleep. I’m currently sitting in the bathroom talking to you.”

“Well, the acoustics are better there. I’m sitting out on the balcony.”

“Damn,” she laughs, the sound making him feel like maybe they’re not actually in two different places. “That would have been a much better plan on my part. There’s a couch in here, though.”

“A couch in the bathroom?”

“It’s a very fancy place your dad has me set up in. It’s almost like he likes me or something.”

“He’s not the only one.”

“Goofball.”

Eventually he settles back into the softness of the unfamiliar bed, the mattress dipping underneath the weight of his body, as he and Emma continue to talk until suddenly her voice goes silent on the other end of the phone, just soft breaths coming through the speaker until he disconnects the call and manages to fall asleep as well.

When he wakes a few hours later, his head stuffy from his lack of sleep, he still somehow feels calm and rested, like he could go days without sleep and be fine today, sod what his anxious self told him earlier this morning when he couldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t say no to some coffee, though, and when there’s a knock at the door of his suite and a tray of food with a pot of steaming hot coffee waiting for him, he thinks that it may very well be some kind of wedding day miracle, especially because Liam’s still asleep and Killian can keep this all to himself.

It’s a beautiful day outside already, the summer sun shining across the well-groomed grass and making the pool several floors below shine in his eyes while he goes about eating his omelet and fruit and drinking the sweet, sweet nectar that is coffee this morning. When he places his mug back down, he sees an envelope underneath his plate, a small bit of Emma’s elegant script poking out underneath it, and she seems to have had the same idea that he did this morning in sending breakfast and what seems to be a letter.

He smiles before opening up the envelope and pulling out a piece of stationary marked with Emma’s hotel and the slightest coffee ring stain.

Killian,

I finally feel as if my life is a bit of a fairytale, and before you get your hopes up that it’s you making me feel that way, it’s more the fact that I’m sitting in a bathrobe while my toes are being painted writing you a letter on actual stationary with a pen that might as well be a quill. It’s just missing a feather. It makes me feel as if I’m in one of those historical romances I so often force you into watching, but I also know that I’ll probably text you this morning as well, sending you my own little modern day love letter in addition to this one.

Or maybe just a text about how hungry I am because I’m not sure I can eat this breakfast you sent me.

It’s not that it’s not good food. My stomach is just doing summersaults with how excited I am.

The coffee is good, though. Thanks, babe.

I was woken up at five this morning after, as you know, just a few hours of sleep because I was on a “not booty” call until the early hours of this morning, and I feel like my body hasn’t been left alone since. Anyways, enough complaining about how the birds and deer are dressing me because I really did mean to write something actually romantic. You’re not the only one who can be a regular Mr. Darcy, babe.

Six years ago today, at about this time really, I was trying to fall back asleep after waking up and being just absolutely tormented with the fact that I’d kissed this guy who I really liked despite all of my attempts not to, and then my dad had walked in on us when things were really getting good. You’d gone away, to Scotland if I remember correctly, with your mom for a few days, and in that time I just completely lost it thinking about how the hell could I ever trust a man again with my heart, especially someone with your position in life. It was like torture, the war taking place between my heart and my head, and then you just showed up at the pub and all of my feelings spilled out because I was already so comfortable with you in our months of knowing each other…or bickering and teasing each other at two in the morning when we were both delusional and exhausted.

Telling you about my past that day, taking down a stone or two of my walls and reservations, was one of the best decisions I ever made. We met by chance, but we’re together by choice. Loving you and having you love me in return has been the greatest adventure full of laughter, hardships and heartbreaks, and most of all, happiness.

Killian Michael Philip Louis, my love, I love you with all of my being, and I’ll see you in just a few hours. I don’t think you’ll be able to miss me. I’m going to be in a very fancy white dress.

Love always,

Emma

He picks up his phone immediately, calling her with just the goofiest of grins on his face. He knows how much it means for Emma to be the one to write and say sentimental things. It’s not that she doesn’t do it, as she has grown in her confidence in her words the longer they’ve been together, but he still remembers the woman who only showed her true affection through physical acts instead of words.

“Hello,” she greets, but she’s yawning when she’s saying it so it really just sounds like one long lo. He can hear Ruby talking to Mary Margaret in the background as someone tells Emma not to move her eyelashes or the glue will be messed up.

“Hello, darling. You got any plans today?”

“Just a little thing, and then I’m free, ya weirdo.”

He hums before taking another sip of his coffee as the sun settles a little closer to the middle of the sky while the time passes on. Emma’s apparently been up for hours while he’s still in his pajamas and hasn’t seen a soul all day.

“Good. So I got a curious piece of mail this morning.”

“Did you now?”

“Yeah, it seems that I have an admirer who loves me very much.”

“Funny, I got the same type of letter this morning. Though, I’m sure the one you received was much more romantic and well-written. Something that should be preserved for historical literary significance.”

“I’m thinking about having it framed.”

The two of them talk for a few minutes longer until Emma’s makeup artists tells her she can’t be moving her lips, and he lets her go, heading inside to his own room to find Liam standing there already getting dressed in his uniform for the day, buttoning his jacket and adjusting the medals on his chest.

“Well, good morning. Nice to see you’ve finally come inside from your sunbathing.”

“Don’t be jealous that I ate all of the food, brother.”

“There was food?”

Killian laughs before heading into the bathroom and hopping into the shower, letting the water wash away the day before and wake him up so that he can dress in his uniform, something more uncommon to him than his suits as he only wears it for special occasions and really only on St. Patrick’s Day. It feels different draping the red coat over his body and even weirder when the blue sash is put across his chest while gold pendants and multi-colored medals are attached to his chest and his shoulders. Liam’s wearing the same uniform but in black, and his medals include the honors he earned while serving instead of the ones he was granted by his father for simply being born.

He has to leave his phone with his aide before they walk out of the hotel, so he texts Emma one more time to tell her that he loves her and he’ll see her soon before handing his phone off and being disconnected from Emma until she’s at the alter with him.

God, until she’s at the alter with him.

He’s got to be at the Church grounds a little after eleven, an entire hour before Emma even arrives, and he and Liam are dropped off on one of the paths so that the two of them can greet some of the crowds gathered outside of the gates of the palace. It doesn’t seem to be too much of a crowd as he and Liam chat and wave while managing to move along so that they’re on time, knowing that this entire day is on a tight schedule, but when they turn the corner, he can see the long stretch of road on which Emma will ride down with David absolutely packed with onlookers who erupt into cheers when he and Liam come into sight. To put it in a word, it’s insane. There’s nothing else for it, and even if he experienced something similar on the day of Liam’s wedding, nothing could have prepared him for this mania surrounding him.

“It’s a bit wild, don’t you think, little brother?”

“Younger,” he corrects automatically, clapping onto Liam’s shoulder as they continue to walk, gravel crunching underneath their feet. “You have to call me younger from now on.”

“Maybe when you’re married, Killian.”

He laughs at his brother’s cheekiness before stopping to see a few more people, eternally grateful that they all care about him enough to wait outside for what he’s sure is hours or days ahead of time to stand here at the front of the path. He even spots a few people from last night, their clothes the same and hair a bit disheveled, and he makes sure to give them a wave and smile.

“Good morning, everyone,” he shouts, waving to all of the people outside, trying to avoid staring into the television cameras that seem to be as numerous as the crowd. “I’d stay and chat, but I’ve got someone who needs me inside on time.”

The waiting is pure agony, seconds feeling like minutes and minutes feeling like hours. Liam tries to distract him, chatting with Killian about anything and everything, and as much as he appreciates it, it doesn’t help. He’s honestly not sure what Liam’s said, the words flowing in one ear and out the other. He hears the music change before he sees Mary Margaret walk into the Chapel, a brilliant smile on her face as she takes a seat, giving him the most subtle of nods before straightening out the imaginary wrinkles in her dress. The anticipation only increases then because he knows that Emma is on the palace grounds with Abigail and Ruby and all of the children, and he feels like he may burst if time doesn’t pass more quickly. He probably looks like the most anxious man alive, all jittery and antsy, and he one hundred percent should have had a small glass of rum before showing up today.

When his parents walk in, he knows that they are the last to arrive before David and Emma, and this is the home stretch. He can do it.

A fanfare sounds to announce Emma’s arrival, and he cannot help the smile that blooms on his face as he waits for her to walk through the mahogany stained archway and onto the black and white tiled floor. When he sees the first hint of white, even if it’s not quite clear, his heart begins thumping in his chest, his entire body warming even as something pleasant becomes lodged in his throat. As she and David get closer, he beams, the happiness – and he’s sure that’s what the emotion lodged in his throat was now – radiating from him as she comes into view.

She’s gorgeous, her skin tanned against the white lace snugly covering her entire body, her blonde curls falling down her back as they’re pinned back by the tiara he knows is gracing her head. He can’t see her face quite yet, still too far away that he can’t see her through the sheer material of her veil. As she gets closer, he sees Alexander walking with all of the other children behind her, Ruby holding Emma’s veil and corralling the kids, and Killian knows that Alex is probably itching to be the one standing with Emma because he doesn’t quite understand what’s happening here. He’ll have to make sure to hold Alex later to make up for the confusion.

God, he loves her so damn much.

He can’t believe this is happening.

Finally, finally, finally, Emma is near the alter, her face completely visible to him, and she’s the most beautiful woman alive. Really and truly. Who cares how biased he is? He certainly doesn’t.

“Hi,” she mouths to him before she steps up onto the alter, squeezing David’s arm before he lets go and joins Mary Margaret in the pews.

Killian takes her slightly shaking hand, helping her step up where he is, and all of the anticipation has totally been worth it for this moment alone when he lifts the veil over her head and there are no barriers left between the two of them. “You look stunning, love.”

“You look – ”

“I know.”

She laughs the smallest bit before the Archbishop calls for their attention and the ceremony begins, the two of them being united as man and wife within the next fifty minutes as hymnals are played, sermons are preached, and vows are promised to each other.

“First,” the Archbishop begins, and Emma squeezes his hand just a little more tightly knowing what moment this is, “I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now.”

The Chapel is blessedly silent, and while there was no real risk of anyone saying anything, with all he and Emma went through to get here, it’s a bit of a relief, Emma nervously chuckling when the Archbishop moves on.

“The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.”

When neither say anything, Killian knows that it’s his turn to make his vows, the schedule of the day drilled into his head even with the mess of emotions coursing through his body.

“Killian, will you take Emma to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?”

“I will.”

Emma smiles at him before looking down, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek, while she suppresses a laugh. He’s got no idea what she’s laughing at, but he has to bite his bottom lip to contain his own when she looks back at him with mirth dancing in her eyes.

“Emma, will you take Killian to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful as long as you both shall live?”

“I will.”

The entire congregation is invited to support and uphold their marriage before everyone prays and his mother’s cousin Lillith reads several verses in the Nave as the choir sings. Emma’s bouncing a bit even under the weight of her dress, and while he can’t hold her hand quite yet, they’re almost there.

“You okay?” he whispers when the song begins to wind down.

She simply smiles, and it’s the smile she reserves for him, soft and sweet and happy.

Finally, after her bouquet is placed on a side table, he’s able to take her hands, grasping them as they stand in the middle of the alter again and officially make their vows to each other.

“I, Killian, take you, Emma, to be my wife, to have to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part according to God’s holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.”

Emma squeezes his hand before she begins, her thumb brushing over his knuckles, and it’s then that he realizes that she has on her sapphire ring on her right hand. He knows for a fact that she wasn’t supposed to wear any jewelry on her hands, even her engagement ring, and he smiles thinking about her likely slipping it on at the last minute.

“I, Emma, take you, Killian, to be my husband, to have to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part according to God’s holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.”

The Archbishop prays over their exchange of rings before Killian slide’s Emma’s wedding band over her ring finger, his gaze only leaving hers to make sure that he doesn’t drop the ring or slide it onto her middle finger.

“Emma, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honor you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.”

Emma beams at him, her smile practically reaching up to her eyes as she slides his wedding band onto his ring finger, holding it there as she repeats his words.

“Killian, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage. With my body I honor you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.”

The Archbishop takes their hands, joining them together, and he runs his finger over the gold while their marriage is blessed to the crowd, and right now he really and truly hates that he cannot kiss her quite yet like every other man and wife would be able to do at this moment. Instead they’re hurried into a small room where they sign the registrar and officially become man and wife in the eyes of the law and of his father, their titles being changed into The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Emma’s hands shake a bit as she signs first with her given name and then when she signs with her new name and all of the history and responsibility behind it.

When it’s official, the two of them finally get to exit the room, everyone maneuvering around Emma’s dress and veil as they all exit the doors and walk back down the aisle, waving at everyone and smiling with Emma’s hand wrapped around his bicep while her other hand holds her bouquet as they exit the Chapel as husband and wife.

Finally.

“This is insane,” Emma gasps when they walk through the double doors and back out into the sunlight to the sounds of church bells and cheers of all of the people from his patronages that they invited to stand outside of the Chapel, and he laughs that Emma had the exact same thought they he had when he was walking inside with Liam. That seems like a lifetime ago, and maybe it was.

“I know, but a good kind of insane, yeah?”

“The best.”

When they reach the stairs, standing under the archways of green foliage mixed in with blooming white magnolias and a few of the flowers people gave he and Emma yesterday, Emma turns to him, leaning in close, before whispering, “Can I kiss you now?”

“Absolutely.”

They lean into each other before their lips finally press together for a fleeting moment, Emma as soft and as warm as she always is in this gentle caress. He knows there’s the sound of cheers and trumpets all around them, and while he can hear them, he doesn’t care. All he cares about is the fact that he’s currently getting to kiss his wife.

When they pull back from each other, instead of pulling away, Emma rests her forehead against his and speaks against his lips, “I love you.”

“I love you, my darling.”

They’re loaded into a red and gold laden horse-drawn carriage, with white horses leading them, and even as they’re driven into the crowds, more people surrounding them than ever before the further away from the Chapel they get, it’s the first time he and Emma have truly been alone together, relatively speaking, since their goodbyes yesterday evening.

“So, this whole being married thing,” he teases, interlacing his fingers with hers and bringing her hand up to press a kiss against her knuckles before resting it in his lap, “is it treating you well?”

Emma snorts, actually, legitimately snorts as her free hand waves to the crowd. “I mean, I think it’s going well, but who knows what’ll happen when we’re alone together without all of these people? I might totally change my mind. Though, I do love a man in uniform, so that may be working in your favor today.”

“You’re already the best wife, darling. I mean, I don’t have a lot to judge on, but you’re doing great.”

Emma turns from looking out at the crowd to looking at him, giving him the smile she reserves just for him again and returning his kiss to her knuckles by leaning down and kissing his shoulder. “You’re a pretty good husband, too.” She shrugs before winking. “Not a lot to judge on, but you’re doing great so far.”

Their ride is at least twenty minutes, and he just takes it all in. His life is not normal. He’s well aware of that, and if he wasn’t, the fact that he’s in a horse drawn carriage leaving his wedding and waving to the masses would be a pretty good clue otherwise. But it is normal in the way that he and Emma always have been. They love each other, and that’s all there is to it. About halfway through the ride, Emma leans over and starts questioning all of the different ways there are to wave, demonstrating them and laughing as he joins in. They look ridiculous, but his chest is heaving with laughter and a tear escapes Emma’s eyes for the very same reason.

Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, or maybe it’s the jubilation at being here in this moment.

After their loop is finished, the two of them are ushered back into the Palace in order to take official portraits while their guests wait for them at their first reception. Emma has to have her makeup retouched while he goes to greet their families in the sitting room where they’re taking pictures. He sees Abigail first as she’s squatting down talking to all of the children, but she doesn’t see him. Alex does, though, squealing at a volume that could break glass over him being in the room.

“Hi, buddy,” Killian grins, picking him up and pressing a kiss to his cheek, “are you having fun?”

Alex shakes his head from side to side, and Killian has to laugh at the very honest answer of a toddler. He imagines it’s probably not fun for them to be stuck in small suits and dresses with no toys or entertainment for such long periods of time. Hell, there were times during the ceremony when he was bored out of his mind, and he’s nearly thirty years old, not three.

“Well, that’s okay. You’re almost ready to go home.” He places Alex back on the ground to join everyone else before pulling Abigail into a hug and kissing her cheek. “Hello, love.”

“Hello, Mr. Married Man. Where’s your bride?”

“Getting her hair and makeup touched up before the portraits because it was a little hotter outside than she was expecting. That, or she was just too nervous and started sweating.”

“She was as calm as a cucumber, Killian. Not even I was that calm. God, I was a mess before I got married.”

“You were beautiful, Abi dear. Thanks for being with Emma today.”

She squeezes his bicep and gives him a reassuring smile that settles somewhere in the pit of his stomach, his gratitude for this woman never ending. “I love you both. I can’t imagine having anyone else as my family.”

“I love you, too.”

He greets the rest of his family as the camera crew sets up, and just as things begin to calm down, Emma comes into the room, her train and veil still taking multiple people to transport while moving around. He has no idea how she moves in that thing, especially with how it clings to her body with every step, but she does.

“Oh my baby,” Mary Margaret cries, rushing over to Emma at the same time that Alex cries out an Emmy. “I can’t believe you’re married.”

Emma chuckles before grabbing onto her mum’s wrist and squeezing. “I know, Mom. But you were with me when we got here. You knew it was happening.”

“But you weren’t married then. It was so surreal watching the two of you up there.”

Emma goes around greeting everyone else, or really, they greet her while she stands in place for pictures. They’ve got to get everyone out of here before they take pictures on their own, and wrangling children is no small feat. But pictures are done despite that and his father’s joking around with David.

When everyone is shuffled out to the reception, he and Emma take their official portraits, standing together in stiff poses, before being moved out to the gardens to take more casual ones. It reminds him of their engagement pictures, the only differences lying in the fact that it’s bloody hot instead of freezing and that Emma’s dress is a little more complicated. She’s taken her veil off, their aides transporting it for safe keeping, but the tiara still remains in her hair, the sun glistening off the pearls and diamonds.

“How do you move in this thing?” he jokes while helping her sit down on a set of stone steps.

“Very carefully and without breathing. I’ve got a corset on under here, and that thing is going to be ripped open and never used again.”

“Well, I was planning on doing that, but it’s nice to know you agree.”

Emma scrunches up her face, her nose wrinkling and her brows furrowing together before she pats him on the leg and lets out a breath. “Get all of your inappropriate jokes out now so you don’t say them later.”

“Well, the same could be said to you. I say we sprinkle them in to prepare everyone for Ruby’s speech.”

“I’m pretty sure there’s no preparing for that.”

When they’re finished with pictures – at least for now as the photographer says – he helps Emma to the dining hall, stopping just outside and pressing her against the wall before running his lips against her jaw, never staying anywhere for too long before his lips finally land against hers, soft and sweet and everything he’s wanted to do since they were announced as husband and wife.

Damn is that still weird to think.

Damn is that nice to think.

“I love you, Emma. You are gorgeous and wonderful and amazing.”

“So are you,” she whispers before running her hands against his hair, pushing the pieces that fell against his forehead back and keeping her fingers against his hairline. “You ready to go have some more people stare at us?”

“And to eat some damn good food.”

“That too.”

The sounds of glasses clinking distract Killian from his meal and his conversation with Emma to see David standing from his spot at the other end of the table with a glass of champagne in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Good afternoon,” David begins into the microphone that’s been set before him, his voice shaking the slightest bit. Killian places his fork on the table before reaching over and twining his fingers together with Emma, running his thumb back and forth over her wedding band and recently added engagement ring. “First, I’d like to thank His Majesty for hosting this wonderful reception, even if we all know he’s not the one who picked out the food and flowers. And then I’d like to thank all of you for coming to the wedding of our daughter Emma to Killian. I’ve been told that I can drop the formalities with him, which is good, because I didn’t get to know Killian as His Royal Highness, I got to know him as Killian, frequent pub patron and rum drinker who happened to have a crush on my daughter. Now, I don’t know how many of you knew Killian at twenty-three, but he wasn’t nearly as smooth as he is now. And he most definitely couldn’t hide the fact that he was smitten with my daughter.”

Killian turns to look at Emma, and she’s watching her father with cautious eyes, like she’s not sure of what he’s going to do next, and a timid smile tugging at her lips. Honestly, Killian’s not either, but he trusts Dave not to say anything too embarrassing…at least not at this reception.

“Emma was the slightest bit better at hiding her feelings, but six years ago today, my daughter started dating her husband, who is, I think, more importantly my son-in-law and one of the absolute best men on the planet. And while I could go on and on about the adventures and misadventures of Emma and Killian throughout the years, I’m not. I’d simply like to wish them a blessed marriage, through the good, through the bad, and through it all.”

David raises his glass as everyone else does the same, all of them echoing “to Emma and Killian” before settling down to a hushed tone of chatter across the hall as he and Emma continue to eat. His father also makes a speech, but it’s more to thank all of the diplomats in the room before the luncheon goes on a little too long and everyone gets too antsy sitting around without anything going on.

“So,” Ruby drawls, coming to squat down between he and Emma, “how much longer is this thing going on before we get to the real party with, you know, all of the alcohol and the celebrities and the music? Because I know you guys tried to keep the fact that David Beckham and George Clooney are here from me, but don’t think that I didn’t see them. I’d like to meet them and dance with them both at one time.”

“Not that much longer,” Killian answers while Emma tells Ruby, “both of those men are happily married, Rubes.”

“Well, so is Killian, but I’m still going to be dancing with him tonight.”

“I’m looking forward to it, lass.”

After the luncheon, the two of them are allowed an hour alone together before having to get ready for the reception his brother is hosting for them at Frogmore house, and as soon as Emma’s dress has been removed and Ruby and her mother leave, he’s on her, cupping her face and running the tips of his fingers against the hair at the edges of her face before pressing his lips against hers and really getting to kiss her, devour her while her arms cling to his back. It feels like liquid pleasure running through him when she kisses him back, moving her lips with his, but they can’t go any further than that even with the hour alone so he’s forced to pull back.

“As much as I’d like to continue this particular activity, especially with what I know you have on underneath this robe,” he fingers at the silk material of her collar, revealing the white lace underneath that she put on after taking the corset off, “we can’t get sweaty. Plus, not to make you doubt my abilities, I’d really rather spend the next hour drinking coffee with you.”

“Babe, I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had.”

It’s their first hour alone as a married couple, and the two of them are sitting in his room at Windsor in nothing but robes drinking copious amounts of coffee and filling each other in on how they spent their mornings when not with each other. He would say that it’s an odd choice, but it’s really not for them. He’s incredibly attracted to his wife…God, his wife…and he’d like nothing more than to plow into her and say sod to the next reception full of all of their friends and liked family. But what they’re doing right now feels right. It’s their wedding day, something they’ll never get again, and this will be the last time today that it’ll simply be the two of them and no one else until they’re back in his hotel room from earlier.

Plus, he really, desperately needed the caffeine after all of the adrenaline began to fade away.

“So we’re married, huh?”

He nudges his feet against Emma’s on the ottoman in front of the couch they’re sitting on, acknowledging her statement while he inhales the fresh aroma of his caffeine, the hot liquid running down his throat and causing him to think that this is equivalent to gold.

“We are,” he agrees. “Do you feel different?”

She laughs before putting her coffee down and resting her head on his shoulder and running her hands up and down his arm.

“Not in the slightest.”

“Yeah, but I can call you my wife now, so that’s something new.”

“I still accidentally called you my boyfriend last week, so I think it may take awhile for me to get used to our new names. Also, how weird is it that my last name isn’t Nolan anymore?”

“You’ll always be Nolan to me, love.”

“How much time do we have left before I’m forced back into a tight dress and heels?”

He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time, ignoring all of the texts filling up his home screen that he hasn’t checked since his aide gave the device back an hour ago. “Thirteen minutes.”

“Alright, babe. I’m going to make out with you one more time and get you all hot and bothered before you have to change into your tux.”

“You’re evil.”

“I love you,” she laughs before taking his drink out of his hand and straddling his thighs, “and your discomfort is a cross I’m willing to bear.”

He never thought he’d be so thrilled to put on tuxedo, but he is absolutely delighted compared to the uniform he had on earlier. It’s much less stuffy, and his shoulders don’t feel as heavy with all of the tassels and dressings of his earlier outfit. Emma’s still having her hair curled and makeup redone while he simply sits on the bed and waits for her. He’s got a pair of diamond earrings in his pocket that he should have given her when they were alone, but it somehow slipped his mind.

They’re his grandmother’s, and while Emma never got to meet her and he was never particularly close to her, he thinks that they’re very much Emma’s style. Simple and classic and entirely unassuming even with their shine.

A bit like Emma.

Damn is he sentimental and overly gushing today.

“You’re looking a little bored, Killian.”

“It’s riveting watching your hair curled, love. I’ve never been more entertained.”

“Do you guys see why I married him?” She asks her hairdresser, the girls giggling with her. “He’s totally kidding, but I’m going to choose to think that he actually finds this entertaining.”

When Emma’s finished getting ready, her hair pulled into a high ponytail with tendrils framing her face, she slips into her new dress, this one a strapless lace gown with a scalloped top and a cinched waist. It’s gorgeous, but then a white cape is added over her shoulders, making her look like some kind of bridal superhero.

“A cape, darling?”

She shrugs, raising her arms so that the cape moves with them. “I thought it was unique.”

“It is. You going to take it off for the dancing?”

“After I twirl around once or twice, you bet your ass I am.”

He gifts her the earrings before they leave, and the smile on her face warms his heart. She immediately takes out the earrings she had on before, replacing them with the small studs, and presses a kiss against his cheek before straightening his bow tie.

“You look so handsome. I’m glad we went with the blue tux.”

Before loading up in the car to drive to the reception, they stop and wave for the photographers, knowing that this is the last time they’ll have to do that today. After they’ve posed enough, Isabelle telling them to go on, he opens Emma’s door and helps her in before walking around to his side and driving them away, a tent full of the people they love waiting for them.

When they walk into the tent, his eyes trail upward to the lights strung across the tent’s ceiling, casting everything in a soft white glow while the sun sets outside in a mixture of pinks and oranges. When he looks down, he can see columns with greenery wrapped around them, tall vases of colorful flowers sitting at all of the round tables while people mill around talking and chatting, the band playing softly in the background.

He only gets a moment to look around before they’re noticed, cheers and wolf whistles mixed in with the sounds of hands clapping together as he takes Emma’s hand and raises it in the air between the two of them, the cheering only increasing as they fully step into the tent and walk through the people until they reach their families at the center. This is the one thing he and Emma didn’t completely plan themselves, and taking it all in, he feels every weight he’s ever had on his shoulders drop away.

They’re here. They’re together. They’re married.

It’s everything.

After Liam greets them, clapping Killian on the back and pressing a kiss against Emma’s cheek, Liam gets up on stage, asking for the microphone from the band leader before speaking.

“Good evening, everyone! I hope everyone hasn’t already imbibed too much that you’re all not interested in what I or anyone else has to say. Somehow Killian and Emma have so many people who like them that there’s a lot of people making speeches. Or maybe everyone just wants to embarrass them. After all, Killian is so handsome when he blushes.”

Emma snorts beside him, and he wraps his arm around her shoulder before pulling her closer and kissing her temple, resting his cheek there while they watch Liam.

“Now, Killian is quite a bit younger than me, and while we haven’t always gotten along, we do now. At least most of the time. He ate all of the bloody breakfast this morning, and he’s got on quite a bit of makeup covering the black eye that’s blooming on that handsome face of his because of that.”

“Bloody wanker,” Killian mumbles under his breath, and Emma laughs against his shoulder, pressing another kiss there like she’s been doing all day.

“Killian’s always been known to bat a little above his league. There were the sports he tried to play, the novels he’d read when he was seven and had no idea what was going on, lasses he’d ask out while in school. But there has never been a time he’s batted so much above his league than when it comes to Emma. She has been kicking his ass for six years, and she’s been kicking my ass for the past year. She’s a bloody brilliant spitfire, and not a one of us in this family deserves her. Well, maybe my children, but that’s it. So everyone go get something to drink, and let’s celebrate Killian and Emma.”

“That was really nice,” Emma whispers, but he can barely hear anything over the sound of the people around him and the sound of his heart beating in his chest. Liam may have glossed over some things there, but Killian knows that every word he said, he meant.

“Yeah, yeah it was.”

When Liam reaches them, he’s got a broad smile on his face, and Killian immediately envelopes him in a hug, burying his face in his shoulder and holding him there for a minute. “I love you, Liam.”

Liam rubs his back up and down before patting him and pulling back, and Killian sees his eyes when he says, “I love you too, younger brother.”

“Look at that. You said that right words.”

“Well, I did say I’d call you that when you were married.”

Liam lets him go, turning to find Emma behind him with two glasses of champagne in her hands while she talks to a few of his friends from University, Robin included, and he takes a glass out of her hand, taking a sip while they talk. For awhile, it’s person after person, each one wanting to talk to them and give them their congratulations. He knows all of them while Emma doesn’t, but you’d never know with the way that she’s comfortable speaking, not freaking out or shaking as she speaks to some of the well-known guests like Ruby’s personal favorites of George Clooney or David Beckham (he sees Ruby circling around trying to find a way to look talk to them, and he hopes that conversation is somehow recorded and mass released).

She’s amazing.

Always.

Emma’s hand never leaves his, and as they’re asked to walk to the dance floor for their first dance, her fingers only tighten around his while they begin to move back and forth, taking small steps and twirling in circles. He spins Emma around as How Long Will I Love You is sung in the background. He likes to think that their dancing has improved, that they know what they’re doing out here, but he doesn’t really care. And as the song goes on, Emma drops all pretenses of trying to dance, releasing his hands to wrap her arms around his neck and sway with him, their bodies pressed together while they chat with each other. It’s quiet and intimate, and no part of him is focused on the people watching him.

When they finish their dance, he leads Emma up to the stage, the blush rising on her cheeks visible under the white lights surrounding them. She hooks her arm around his while he moves to the microphone.

“Good evening. I promise this is going to be the last speech of the night. I know most of you have probably been bored to tears all day, but after you all let me wax poetic about my wife, feel free to drink and dance and play any of the games we have set out in the back. I know some of you may think games at a wedding are a little odd, but we’re mixing in tastes here. If you hate it, blame Emma.”

She squeezes his arm before leaning over and speaking into the microphone. “Hey, beer pong is a hell of a lot of fun when you’ve had a little bit too much to drink. Of course, that was supposed to just be a ping pong table, but Ruby’s already taken over.”

“Damn right,” Ruby yells from the crowd, everyone erupting into laughter.

“Anyways,” Killian calls coaxing everyone’s attention back to him, “we will get to all of the beer pong in a minute. So I know that everyone in here was a little shocked when they found out I’d been dating someone for so long, but I like to think it worked out. In Emma, I found a friend, a confidant, a lover, and as of today, a wife and lifelong partner. She’s an ordinary woman who is actually quite extraordinary. She’s beautiful, and she’s shown herself to be resilient in all of the hardships that life has put her through, both before me and because she’s with me. She’s also shown herself to be witty and passionate and kind. Mostly, she’s shown me that I can have someone love me and face the world with me, hand in hand.”

The room erupts with the sounds of clapping and a few yells of kiss her, but before he can dip his head and kiss her, she’s grabbing his cheeks and pulling him in for a searing kiss before pulling back and resting her forehead against his.

“I love you, too. I wish that I had said something other than defending beer pong.”

“Well, I’m sure if you tell everyone they’re free to go have a good time now, you’ll be a huge hit.”

“I was talking about saying nice things to you, but that sounds like a good idea.” She leans over into the microphone, “You guys ready to celebrate?”

The rest of the night is a blur of talking, drinking, and dancing. There’s a dinner served, but he and Emma never get to eat it, always be dragged somewhere else by someone who wants to talk, drink, or dance. It’s crazy, it’s fun, and the hours pass with the sun completely setting outside so that the lights inside the tent reflect off of the darkness outside. He and Emma play cornhole against David and Mary Margaret, her parents absolutely crushing them as they toss the bags, before moving along to play the aforementioned beer pong, Ruby leading the game only to be dragged away by George to dance. Emma laughs so hard at the face of shock Ruby makes that she leans over on the table to hold herself up with tears coming out of her eyes. The laughter is contagious, and he loses it along with everyone around them.

Eventually his parents leave along with Emma’s, and they’re left with the sounds of the band and the movement of all of their guests. Sweat pools at his temples as he and Emma dance with everyone, Ruby twirling him around like she promised she would. When Ruby moves on, Emma comes to wrap her arms around his neck as she moves against him, his hands splayed against her hips while they talk to everyone around them, but always coming back to each other.

When they walk out of the tent, it’s to fireworks going off in the sky, his brother’s penchant for the dramatics really showing, and when Emma whispers to him that the fireworks were most definitely Liam’s idea, he barks out a laugh before kissing her and leading them to the car that’s going to drive them back to their suite.

It’s long past midnight when they walk back into the suite, and instead of being rushed to strip each other out of their clothes, it’s slow getting there. He guides Emma into the room, holding her hand while she takes her heels off, her dress dragging along the floor as she shrinks next to him. She excuses herself to the bathroom while he sits down at the edge of the bed, kicking his own shoes off and slipping out of his jacket, laying it over a chair as he unbuttons the rests of the buttons on his shirt that Emma didn’t get to at the reception. Before he can slide the material off of his shoulders, Emma comes out of the bedroom, her dress still on but her hair falling in soft waves across her shoulder.

He beckons her closer, and she comes to stand between his splayed knees, her palms coming to caress his face. He tilts his head and kisses her palm, lingering there and breathing her in before he grabs her wrists and slides his fingers into hers, his thumb soothing her knuckles and running over her ringers. When she begins to move away, he tightens his legs around her, keeping her there so that she looks back down at him with her lips tugging up on one side.

“What are you doing?”

He simply hums, staring up at her and admiring her beauty. They’d both imbibed with alcohol tonight, but neither of them is drunk. Maybe a bit dulled and exhausted, but he’s aware of every one of Emma’s movements and the way that her breath catches when he leans forward and kisses her knuckles right above her wedding ring.

“Killian?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Will you help me out of my dress? I tried to do it in the bathroom, but I couldn’t get the buttons undone.”

He chuckles before pressing another kiss against her skin and spreading his thighs apart so that she can turn around and he can deftly unbutton the clasps on her dress, the white material falling from her body and exposing the tan skin and white lace underneath it. He’s seen her like this more times than he cares to count, but it’s no less of a stunning sight watching her hair fall against her nearly bare back. She’s so beautiful, so wonderful, and he wonders if he’ll ever fully adjust to this woman being married to him.

It’s only been a few hours, and it all feels like some sort of surreal dream.

She turns around when the dress hits against the floor, her hands on his shoulders underneath the material of his shirt while her head dips to capture his lips with hers, soft and smooth and tasting of wine and the lemon cake she grabbed on their way out of the reception. When she pulls back, she stands up to her full height and smiles down at him. His hands move from her hips where he’s been fingering the lace of her thong, up her waist, feeling the smooth, soft, muscled skin of her stomach until his fingers rest just below the scrap of material that barely passes as a bra.

“You should wear things like this more often, darling.”

“Well, mister,” she croons, pushing his shirt off of his shoulders so that it falls against the mattress, “you are in luck because I have lots of little things like this for the honeymoon.”

“Do you now?”

“I do.” She traces his skin with her fingers while his thumbs begin to trace the tops of her bra, pulling the material down so that his fingers can rub in circles against her nipples, hardening them while Emma gasps underneath his touch. He can feel his length hardening in his pants, the pressure beginning to build in his spine as he watches her chest heave and thinks about what she just said. “But also unfortunately for you, those pretty little scraps of fabric go away after that and it’s back to my ugly white bra and mismatched panties.”

“You tease.”

“Nope. You married me bud. I don’t have to be sexy for you any longer.”

He laughs at her teasing and pulls her closer so that his lips can press against the skin of her stomach, his tongue following behind them as he traces the lines of her muscles with the freckles scattered across her skin like a constellation of stars. His hands move back down to her hips, pulling her forward and on top of him until he rolls her onto her back, crushing her body into the mattress while he presses himself into her, rolling his hips into hers and allowing the friction to build the pressure, savoring every movement and every sound.

Emma’s quiet tonight, so he makes up for it by constantly whispering things to her, different words of affection mixed in with dirty little nothings echoing throughout the quietness of the room as they move together in a dance they’ve done much more often than their wedding dance. He stands to undo his pants, letting them fall to the ground with Emma’s dress as Emma unclasps her bra, her breasts exposed to his gaze while he’s entirely exposed to hers. Grabbing her ankle, he begins kissing up her leg, only stopping when he gets to her inner thigh so that he can slide the lace covering her down her legs, the both of them bare before each other.

His fingers find their way into her folds, feeling the slickness that’s gathered there while Emma gasps at his touch. He teases her for awhile, slightly thrusting into her while his thumb runs against her bundle of nerves and his lips kiss her hips. Just as he’s about to replace his fingers with his lips, Emma grabs onto his hair, pulling his gaze up to hers.

“Not right now, babe,” she smiles, encouraging him to climb up the mattress so that his length presses against her thigh and his lips against her cheek. “But later, okay. We’ve got all of the time in the world.”

Slowly, slowly, slowly he slides into her, gritting his teeth as he braces himself against the mattress, palms digging into the sheets while Emma throws her head back against the pillow, hips arching up and driving him absolutely mad with pleasure. She’s so warm, always so warm and welcoming, and his body hums at finally being connected to hers after this day. She reaches up to hold his biceps, running her hands back and forth over his muscles while he begins to rock inside of her, the hair of his chest brushing against her hardened nipples.

He’s deliberately unhurried in the way that he moves inside of her, letting the both of them enjoy this moment and this time together. He could do this for hours, moving against her and staying connected in this way. They know each other so well by now, only the occasional instruction needed as to how to please the other, but tonight, there’s none of that. Emma trusts him as he sets their unrushed pace, her tongue caressing his in a languid motion that matches his thrusts.

Emma wraps her legs around his ass, pushing him further inside of her so that he’s tightly buried within her core. Emma moans into his mouth as her nails dig into his shoulder blades, leaving crescent moon scars in his skin while his own mouth moves to leave a mark against pulse point, her skin tasting of sweat and smelling of her flowery perfume. He could get lost in it, lost in her, but he wants to be here for every moment of this.

“You’re so perfect,” he whispers into her ear, making sure that his scruff rubs against the sensitive spot below her ear. “I don’t know how, Emma, but you are. You’re so bloody perfect for me.”

Emma gasps before moving her hands from his shoulder blades to his hair, fingers caressing his strands until she grabs onto his scalp and pulls his lips back to hers. “I love you,” she murmurs against his lips, the sensation of them touching almost feeling like brushes of air.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

He continues to slowly push and pull inside of her, Emma’s reactions only spurring him on, and when she begins to tremble and shake beneath him, her walls contracting around him, he moves against her at a furious face, letting her hold onto him tightly as she falls apart, soft sounds emanating from her lips as she whispers and curses his name and her love for him to his neck. Her reaction increases the pleasure and pressure that’s been building in his spine, spurring him on while Emma comes back to herself. She’s kissing him when he falls apart, pulsing inside of her and spilling himself into her while her lips slant over his to capture any words that he could have possibly said in the midst of his orgasm.

Afterward, he rests his head in her lap while she plays with his hair, stroking his cheek with her other hand while he holds onto her wrist and keeps her hand there. He’s exhausted, but he in no way wants to sleep. In a few hours, he’ll have been up for an entire day, Emma too, but he’s content to stay in this hazy state of bliss that they’re in.

“You know,” she murmurs, her hands still moving in his hair, “this has been a pretty fantastic day.”

“A fantastic life, really.”

She slaps the back of his head. “You’re a cheeseball.”

“I’ll have you know,” he rolls over until he’s propped up beside her, the comforter pooling over their waists, “you are every bit as much of a cheeseball as me. And you married me.”

“That I did.”

“Any regrets?”

“Not yet. Give me a few hours though, babe.”

He laughs before they both crawl down into the bed, finally letting sleep wash over the two of them as their voices quiet and are replaced by the soft sounds of their breathing. When he wakes in the morning, Emma’s wrapped around him, their legs a jumble of limbs beneath the covers, and he feels every bit as warm and as happy as he did yesterday. Her eyelashes flutter against her cheeks, lifting to reveal her emerald eyes staring up at him. He brushes her hair behind her ears, his thumb running underneath her cheeks and brushing away flecks of mascara that remain there.

“Still no regrets, my love?”

She hums before pressing up and kissing his chin. “Just the one.”

“And what’s that?”

“You haven’t gotten me breakfast yet.”

They eventually scramble out of bed, wasting too much time in the shower exploring the lines of their bodies that they already know by heart. He can’t stop smiling, not quite believing that his life is real and that this woman has agreed to be by his side forever. He loves her so damn much, even when they’re arguing and don’t like each other very much, and he’s forever thankful for his partner in life. The water begins to cool, Emma shivering with it, and so they step out, getting ready for their flight while eating the breakfast he ordered.

Emma takes longer than he does to get ready, as always, but when she comes out of the bathroom with her damp hair twisted into two braids that run down her oversized sweater covered chest, he smiles thinking about how beautiful she looks just like this. She was stunning yesterday, something he hopes to never forget, but in all honesty, he prefers her like this. He can’t help but stare as she crosses her purse over her chest and puts on her sneakers. He knows that she can feel his eyes on her by the way that blush rises on her cheeks and her eyes roll as she ties her laces. He’s being, as Emma would say, cheesy. But he doesn’t care.

When she comes to stand next to the door with him, threading her fingers between his, her palm as warm and soft as always, he inquires, “You ready to go, my love?”

Squeezing his hand, the tightness lingering a second too long, she answers, “I’m ready.”

#second in command #cs fic #cs ff #captain swan #excuse me while I go cry in a corner

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btsjfans · 7 years

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“Class Clown” Part 3

Hey, I’ve gotten a lot of good feedback and requests for part three, so here I am, in the middle of nowhere with bad service, typing this on mobile. I hope this isn’t crap, please excuse the sloppiness in this. I’ll re blog part 2 which has a link to part 1 If you want to catch up. Thank you for all the support as well, xx

Summery: The class clown, Taehyung, has a lot more going on at home than anybody else realizes, especially not you, the class valedictorian.

Taehyung x Reader

Fluff, angst (mentions of abuse, alcoholism, etc.)

Don’t forget to send in feedback and requests for new stories and reactions about any of the boys!

Your POV:

You stare at Jin across the room the next day, but feel nothing. After 4 years of feeling butterflies when he so much as blinked in your direction, you feel nothing as you stare into the face of this boy. He turns his head suddenly, and holds eye contact with you, you keep staring before you realize what’s happening and you gasp quietly and blush looking away, earning a small smile from Jin. Even now, as Jin laughs at your embarrassment, you feel more cringey than hopelessly romantic. If anything you wish it were V who caught you staring. Speaking of which, he’s still not in class. You check your phone, 8:56, you think, class started 11 minutes ago. You send V a quick text, wondering where he is.

To V: Hey, class started 11 minutes ago, why aren’t you here?

He was fine last time you saw him. You smile, remembering the last time you saw him. His big, dark eyes twinkling with mischief, and adoration even. His big boxy smile blinding you. His dark hair flopping upside down as he lay on his back, staring up at you. Where is this kid?!

Last Night (Tae’s POV)

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! My mind races with questions and my heart is practically pounding out of my chest. I just walked back in from my date with Y/N when I’d tripped over Jungkook’s bloodied body on the floor. There was no sign of dad, so he either left as soon as he realized what he had done, or Kookie was attacked by a burglar. I was going to go with number one. I rolled him onto his back, and stared into his face. His sweet, innocent face was distorted by a broken nose, and a busted lip. Blood caked his face and drip down onto his neck and clothes, and his left eye was swollen shut. What kind of monster could do this to you Kook?! He was still breathing, which was my first concern. If I lost Kookie too, I think I would’ve gone off the deep end. Even at the thought of it, my eyes fill with tears and I bite them back as I think of what to do. I’ve taken a few bad hits like this, but usually I’m back up within 5-10 minutes. From the looks of this, he seems to have been here for about an hour. I get up and grab a cold, wet washcloth and start to dab his face, cleaning his injuries and ridding his face of the blood. I’ve shaken him, and called his name, even slapping around his face a bit. Nothing. Do I call 911?! Do I get the neighbors?! Oh god, oh god, oh god…

Your POV

As class went on, no reply from V. Radio silence from the boy you started to catch feelings for. You were so busy worrying about V, you didn’t see Jin staring at you the entire hour. As class let out, you grabbed your bags and started to head out the door when you feel a firm hand grab onto your arm and pull you back. You turn around to see Jin standing there, a shy smile on his face.

“Hey, Y/N, I was just wondering if you’d maybe wanna, uh, go out Friday night?” Jin smiled at you, taking his hand off of your arm. You’d been waiting for this moment for 4 years. You’d fantasized about this happening time and time again. Your first thought is to yell ‘YES!’ but you don’t. After 4 years of never speaking to you, why now? And what about V? You decide to take the diplomatic route.

“I would love to, but I’ll have to check my schedule. I’ll get back to you on this tomorrow.” You smile and turn, walking away. After a high school career of getting no action, you suddenly have two boys sparring for your heart?

Last Night (Tae’s POV)

I pour icy water on his face, which jerks him back to reality. By this point, we were nearing on hour 2, and I was a hysterical mess. I went to call 911, but I was coughing and sniffling so much I couldn’t get a word out. Kookie coughs and starts to groan and I let out a strangled laugh and hug him close against me.

“What-” I cough, “Happened?!” Kookie takes a moment to get his bearings and he weakly leans against my body. After he takes a breather, he looks up at me shakily.

“Dad wanted to know where you were and I said I didn’t know and it just spiraled out of control from there.” He looks around, seeming like a small boy in my arms. He’s only 15, he doesn’t deserve this. What kind of brother am I? Letting us stay in this hellhole. I’m sure you you’re wondering why we still are even here when we could’ve gotten help long ago? Because Jungkook loves him. Because Kookie still believes in our dad. When we were in middle school, and it just started, I suggested we tell somebody, but he said no. He told me that dad was just struggling with the loss of our mom, and that we needed to be there for him. I think he’s just scared to lose what little family we have left. I don’t know where I need to draw the line though…is this where I just step in and get us help? “How do you feel?” I ask, holding him tight, afraid to let go. “I just..Get me in bed and get me some pain meds. I can sleep it off.” I carry Jungkook to his bed and lay him in gently, and bring him some pain meds after. I stay and watch him sleep for a few minutes before I quietly turn off his alarm clock and head to the front door, locking it. Nobody is getting in tonight, and nobody is going out tomorrow morning. Not if I can help it.

(Today) Tae’s POV

I wake up at 11:18am to hear silence in the house. I almost forget that it’s Thursday and not Saturday. I sit up on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my hair and rub my hands along my sweatpants. I can hear my phone chiming, but I need to check on Jungkook. I walk out into the living room and see the door still locked, meaning dad didn’t even try and come in. I peek into Kookie’s room and see him peacefully asleep on his bed, hugging a pillow against his chest. I smile a little at the sight, and I almost feel like a proud parent. Seeing this boy I helped raise growing up. I close the door gingerly and step into the kitchen to make breakfast when I hear my phone go off again and I pick it up and smile seeing Y/N’s name pop up all over my notifications. I click on our messages and scroll through them.

From: Y/N

Hey, class started 11 minutes ago, why aren’t you here?

V where are you?

V??? ??????

Ugh fine, ignore me Jin asked me out on a date

The last one makes me blanch. Of course I feel bad and kinda flattered Y/N was worried about me, but Jin?! He’s my best friend! He’s known I’ve liked her for a year now, and he’s legit never cared! What’s his deal?! He gets every single girl, why can’t I have one? He’s the dream guy for girls, he’s tall, strong, handsome, athletic, kind, and smart. I’m kinda attractive, and nice, and that’s it. I thought I finally had done it, and gotten the girl of my dreams but I guess even she would rather have Jin than me. I don’t know what to say honestly, I just want to see that look in her eyes again. When she told me how she felt, a small blush crept into her cheeks, and she had a sentimental, and shy shine in her eyes. She does the littlest things and it drives me crazy with desire. She’s so…her. And that’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I wait a moment to collect my thoughts before I text back.

To: Y/N

What did you say?

I check the time stamps on them, and see that they’re from several hours ago, meaning anything could’ve happened by now. I stare down at the message, reading and rereading it. Jin. I decide not to text him, I’m not really the confrontational type since I can get all the confrontations I’d ever want in my very own living room. If she goes for him, I’ll talk it out with him whenever I see him again, if not, I’ll let it go and pretend it didn’t happen. I’m jolted from my musings as a text from Y/N comes in, and I read it from my notifications before texting back.

From Y/N: I said I’d have to see if I was busy that day.

Okay, vague. What’s that even mean? Is she?

To Y/N: Are you?

I wait until it says read and I see her typing. My heart pounds and I bite my lip. What if she doesn’t want me? Of course she wouldn’t, Y/N has such high standards. She deserves the world, and I can’t give her crap. I should’ve known it was too good to be true.

From Y/N:

Depends. Are you busy Friday?

I feel a smile slip onto my face. I type yes in and start to brainstorm our perfect date when a cough from the other room disturbs me. Jungkook. What do I do about him? Can I trust Y/N with this? She’s smart so she probably knows what to do. Agh. Okay. I click out of our message and go to Jungkook’s best friend Jimin’s number and ask him if Kookie can sleepover Friday. I want to make sure he’s out of the way and taken care of since I won’t be at he house to watch over him. Jimin is such a good friend. Kookie hasn’t told him about how he gets hurt, but Jimin knows, and he takes care of him. Jimin is like my Jin, except Jimin wouldn’t double cross Kookie like Jin did to me. Your POV:

Okay, so V texted back. He didn’t explain where he’s at, he just skipped right to the Jin situation, which makes you feel good to know he cares that much. You can’t help but wonder what it would be like to go out with Jin. He runs in the most popular crowd in school with V and Namjoon and Hoseok and Yoongi. What would this mean for you? You were never super popular, just liked enough nobody bugged you and left you and Amari alone to be Valedictorian. You ran with a quieter crowd of dedicated kids like you, so would that change? Would they still respect you? You’d liked Jin for years, would one date hurt? Just as you start to consider it V replies.

From V:

No I’m not busy. If you’d have me, I’d like to take you out Friday night. We could go ice skating at that outdoor rink downtown, then go see a drive in movie. I’d have you home by 11:30-12 at the latest and pick you up at 5:30.

You suddenly forget Jin. V was so thoughtful and respectful, you expected a “no I’m not busy, why” kind of reply. But this went above and beyond. This was like those dream dates from the movies. You don’t even realize you’re smiling until Jin points it out.

“What’re you smiling about cutie?” Jin is suddenly beside your table smiling down at you. Why he’s paying so much attention to you now, you don’t know. But as you look up at him, you don’t see the same sincerity in his eyes that V has. Jin was fake, and you knew it all along, but he seemed so perfect you couldn’t help but dream.

“Ah just a funny text. And about Friday I’m sorry, I’m busy. Thanks though.” You smile politely and really kinda want him to just go away so you can show Amari all of this. Jin’s eyes harden and his lips press tightly together for a moment before he’s back to that fake dazzling smile.

"No prob. Some other time.” Jin smiles walking away and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. That look in Jin’s eyes was honestly kind of scary. As you watch Jin saunter off you remember to text V back.

Tae’s POV:

From Y/N:

It’s a date.

The words pop up on my screen. Those three words. I feel a smile grow on my face and I bite my lip to keep from laughing. I lay back on the bed and smile closing my eyes and imagine the date. Us, holding hands as we skate, Y/N smiling, And helping hold me up because I can’t skate to save my life, then us at the drive in movie. Maybe cuddling together if she’d be okay with that.

"You’re texting Y/N,” Jungkook says, smiling and standing in the doorway. I sit up and set my phone down looking at the boy. His nose his bandaged up and seems to be holding up pretty well, his eye is super swollen, and his lip is still swollen red. He will definitely be staying home again tomorrow. I check the clock, seeing he slept in until 11:30, which was a good 14 hours.

"How do you feel?” I ask and pull him to the kitchen to get him some pain meds and breakfast.

"Achey. But fine. Now back to Y/N,” Kookie smiles winking with his good eye and leans against the counter. I can’t help but smile at him, even through all this all he can think about his getting the gossip from my life.

"Well we’re going on a date Friday, and you’re sleeping over at Jimin’s.” I say, pouring him a bowl of cereal.

"Today is Wednesday right?” Kookie pulls out the milk and pours it in sitting at the counter and eating. I nod and put the food away and slide him some pain meds.

"What’re you gonna do?” He asks through a mouthful of cereal.

"I was going to take her ice skating and then maybe use Jin’s truck and go to the drive in.” I say and feel a nervous pang as I say Jin’s name. He’s always been a good friend, but when he’s mad he’s scary. I just hope he’ll be chilled out about this.

"Dude you can’t skate at all,” Jungkook grins at me and I grin eating my own cereal.

"I know, an ice skating date seems like every girl’s cliche dream date I thought it would make her happy.”

"Man you really like her.” He grins finishing his food. We stay home on Thursday, still no sign of dad. I go back on Friday and leave Kookie home, but tell him to text me if anything happens. As soon as I walk into 1st period, my eyes go right to Y/N. She doesn’t see me, she’s too busy talking to Amari. I forgot how much I missed her until she was right in front of me. Her smile, the way she sits, hearing her laugh, just watching her be herself.

"KING V IS BACK!” Jin bellows walking in and people grin and laugh, and even I can’t help grinning.

"Hopefully nobody dethroned me in my absence,” I grin, earning a chuckle from my peers. I can feel Y/N’s eyes on me, and I turn my head back and grin at her and wink. I can see her blush a little, and I grin even bigger as her smile grows. Jin drags me down to our usual table with Yoongi and Hoseok.

"So where were you?” Yoongi asks in his usual carefree voice, but I can see his real interest is in Amari as he stares across the room at her.

"I got sick,” I say running a hand through my hair and lean back in my chair the way teachers hate. At my sick comment, Jin rolls his eyes and casts me a knowing look since he’s guessed already what really happened.

"You better not get me sick you afflicted beast!” Hoseok throws a paper wad at my face and laughs.

Your POV:

You watch V as he grins and laughs with his friends, occasionally turning to smile at you. He’s such a good guy. He’s just so pure. As you go to leave the room V jogs up to your side and hooks arms with you grinning.

"Excited for tonight?” He grins and pulls you over to the lockers leaning against them and unhooking your arms as he faces you.

“Yeah. 5:30 right?” You smile, falling into his warm gaze.

“Precisely. They’re playing an old Audrey Hepburn movie at the drive in tonight, is that okay?” V grins and pushes a lock of hair behind your ear, sending chills down your arms.

“Yeah, I love classics.” You say and glance at the clock. “V you need to get to class, you’ll be late.” You grab his hands pulling him off the lockers and gently push him in the direction of his next class. He smiles winking and saunters up the stairs. You turn around to walk to class in the early empty hallway when you crash into Jin’s chest.

“So that’s the reason you’re too busy for me?”

Thank you guys for your support! I'm sorry if this part seemed rushed, and not as quality, I'm on mobile and trying to figure out how to type this all and stuff and I hope I didn't let you down! Don't forget to leave more feedback if you want a part 4!

#bts #bts v #bts taehyung #bts jimin #bts jungkook #bts jin #bts jhope #bts suga #bts yoongi #bts rap monster #bts reactions #bts scenario #bts scene #bts smut #taehyung #bts fanfction #bts fanfic

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deathbyfics · 7 years

Text

Love for the Final XO

I didn’t want to lose these or leave them to rot in my inbox or not acknowledge them or delete them. I want to keep these forever because they’ve truly meant the world to me and I love each and every one. You guys have really shown me such love and support and I can’t express how grateful I am.

So this is just going to be a massive post of responses I got from the final. No URLS will be posted.

Thank you thank you thank you! xx

Hi! I've just finished the last chapter and it really moved me. I loved every second of Hide and XO and, let me tell you, you wrote a perfect end. I'm aware that you struggled while you were working on the fic and I saw it reflected in it. I really hope you listen to your own words and keep going on despite whatever happens in your life. Keep being positive and keep doing whatever makes you happy. Once again, thank you so much for writing such a beautiful story and congratulations on it. Lots of love from Spain ❤️

Oh my goodness, the final chapter is up. I've grown up with this fic. It helped me come to terms with and embrace my sexuality. I...just need a moment before I jump in. Thank you for everything.

I stop reading fanfics about one direction a long time ago but for some reason I always kept up with yours. I think it was they way it had them in it but it wasn’t solely about the band and it was way more realistic then an other story i have ever read them. It was truly an amazing and beautiful story thank you for continuing to write it all these years , I’ll truly miss it.

I cried throughout for Avery, Harry & their families, a bittersweet ending for a couple who had faced all that life had thrown at them with such strength, togetherness & love. They really were there for it all. Madeline's wedding was beautiful & the letter from Avery was perfect, but my god you really got me with the letter to Harry. I've loved, cried & laughed over this past 4 years sharing in their story, thank you so much Bee it's been one hell of a journey & I've enjoyed every single part❤️

I've been reading Hide since it first started and you would update every Friday. At that time I was so unhappy with my life and the situation I was in and Hide was one of the only things that I looked forward to each week. 4 years later I've much happier with my life but I've still always looked forward to all your Hide updates. You wrote an amazing story that inspired me and helped my confidence at a time when I desperately needed it. Hide is so much more than 'fanfic' to me, it will always Stick with me and I will always remember it as one of my favourite pieces of writing I've ever read. The last part was heartbreaking but fitting and you should be so proud of the world you created with Hide Bee. Xx

Oh my gosh you ruined me. But in the best way possible, I think? You are truly talented. Keep writing, my love. Congrats on closing this beautiful chapter of your life. I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for it all. Even though I've been continuously bawling for 2+ hours. I think I'll be crying for a long time.

Words are hard to come by for me but I just want to THANK YOU for all the hours and all the days (and years) of dedication you've put into Hide. I loved every second of it, it's been a wild ride and the ending was super hard and emotional (I was in tears, actually fucking tears) but I feel like it was the perfect ending to their story. SO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I will never forget their story, never, ever.

Bee, I just want to thank you with all my heart for creating Hide. I've learned so much from it since I started reading it in my first year of uni. I identified so much with Avery's insecurities, realized that I needed to work on my self-love, and have been working and growing since. I'm so grateful that I've been able to read this beautiful story you've written. Thank you thank you thank you. I don't doubt that you'll accomplish your dreams as a writer from this. i wish you all the best <3

I am sitting here in TEARS reading the last part of this. It's so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this piece of art with us. It truly as been an amazing ride and I'm so touched with the story. The end of an era!!!

Wow... Where to start? I'm sobbing in tge bathtub here. That was amazing and beautiful and sad and perfect. You were one of the first authors I ever read like 5 years ago when I first got into this fandom. I rec hide to anyone who will listen and even those who won't. Avery and Harry were so real. You made them come alive and gave them real world problems. I love their kids and their life. This was an amazing perfect ending. Tears and all. Thank you.

Literally sobbing. I can't say I loved it bc I don't think anyone could love reading about someone dying. Especially someone who they've grown to love as a character. However, it was beautifully written and a beautiful ending to a love story that was bigger then anyone. I can appreciate the way you wanted it to end, and there's nothing I can do to change it. But thank you for bringing Harry and Avery to us. The fact that it made me physically sad means you've done your job as a writer. All the❤️

Okay I just finished it and I had a serious panic attack just now. It definitely wasn't compeltely from reading it (I had one this morning too) so don't feel bad but it triggered me and I couldn't catch my breath there for a bit. Now that I'm calmer HOLY SHIT BEE! What a beautiful story. I can't believe I've been here since you started it, before that even. The Harry that you've created is almost exactly like how I imagine he is in real life so good job on that! I think Avery has the best character development in the story. She's real and struggles with self love just like the rest of us but she learns to love herself and be confident. I still remember the feeling I'd get when you'd upload a new chapter. I would get all excited and I would read it in one sitting (thats like 2 hours). Today I felt different when I saw that you finished it. I knew it was going to be the end and I didn't want to be sad. I think that even though the ending has really gotten to me, I understand why I understand why you ended it like that. You are real and this story is real and so you weren't going to end it all happily ever after. Avery got her happy ending in a twisted way and this story IS and always has been Avery's story. Seriously, thank you so much for sharing their world with us. And thank you for seeing your vision through instead of changing things to please other people. Please give us a heads up before you remove it once and for all cause I'd really like to reread it again.

The fact I started reading Hide three years ago and how much has changed since then is crazy to think about, but all I can say that you have created something so so beautiful. I've been sobbing for the last few hours, more than I've ever cried from any published fiction. Thank you for creating Harry & Avery. For describing a love so fierce and powerful that inspires me to settle for nothing less. Thank you thank you thank you.

the ending was so beautiful, i took my time reading carefully to soak it all up. and i haven’t stopped crying since, thank you so much for giving us this 💖

I'm full on crying. I couldn't finish reading it because it literally hurt so much but you're such an amazing writer!

i haven't been able to stop crying oh my god that was intense. YOU MY FRIEND ARE SO GIFTED IN WRITING

you actual cold hearted bitch (i'm just kidding i love you so much) how dare you

I'm halfway reading through the last chapter and I literally cannot finish it. I'm an emotional wreck as I type this to you. My eyes are all puffy and my nose is running. I needed a break before I continue reading but I just wanted to say I love how beautiful you made Harry and Avery. From the beginning of Hide, I never thought I'd see them as an unconditionally loving couple. Also, bee this fanfic has helped me open up to my being honest with my feelings and to being affectionate. Thank you.

We're just gonna act like I wasn't crying my eyes out the entire time. That being said it was so beautifully written like all of your work is.

It's hard to form into words how sentimental I feel toward Harry and Avery. Hide feels like more than a fic to me, I guess. I've followed them for as long as I can remember, I would get so excited seeing you post a new chapter each week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You created a beautiful story and I will be forever attached to Havery. Xx

I just finished "Summer" and i'm a mess and have no words. I just wanna thank you for such a beautiful story and wish you very good luck in life, Bee. And i sincerely hope you get to, one day, write a book because you can fucking write!! xx

I have been following this blog now for a little over two years now and I have never, ever felt so many emotions in one story in my whole life. No book, no fan fiction, nothing has ever come close to this before. As a young, aspiring writer I want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your work with people. Thank you for creating such developed, mature and realistic characters. Thank you for making a fictional character be an inspirational and empowering woman who I admire. Hide has been the best piece of writing that I have ever read not just from a fanfic standpoint but from a romance story. So bravo, Hide was really, truly incredible work. Really well done with everything. I admire you and hope that you will continue writing more in the future, I will be first in line at any book signings. Well done and thank you again, Bee. x

Bee, I wasn't ready. Was not prepared in the least. I cried the entire time, literally felt like I was going through it with them. I'll miss Harry and Avery so much. I was reading back on your old blog when you were updating each chapter. I want to say the story was only maybe 10 chapters in when I found it and have been with it ever since. My fav story/characters of all time. You are so talented and I'm so happy I got to come along on this journey. Thank you! xoxo

I'm a blubbering mess. Bee, words don't do that final chapter justice. It was perfect. I've been an avid follower and reader of your fics since the good ole' days of your Can't Do Better series. When you first started Hide, I instantly fell in love with Harry and Avery's story and would find myself yearning for Sunday to come around so I could read the latest chapter. Knowing that I was about to read the last ever installment of Harry and Avery's journey, my emotions/expectations were all over the place however your writing once again blew me away and exceeded every expectation I didn't even know I had. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please continue to write, you truly have an amazing gift. Congratulations on finally finishing XO!!! It truly is an end of an era...excuse me while I cry my eyes out a bit more haha xx

How. How. How could you do this to me? I swear I haven't stopped crying. This is just heartbreaking ... your writing is absolutely beautiful. My mom died 12 years ago and left me and my two brothers and I related to Maddie so so much BecaSe I got married 2 years ago. And my dad is my hero so watching him go through that and now reading this has brought back so many memories that are just heartbreaking but that remind me that time heals all wounds.Thank you for this even if my eyes are swollen🙈

That felt so real? I feel like Im in this thing and im experiencing it for real? I hadnt even noticed that everything was blurred and my cheeks were wet. You're so so talented and I truly needed a moment of silence to just tell myself that I was reading fiction. I love literature but I have never had this feeling before, I dont quite know what to call it. It enough to say that you are incredible, and your writing ability is outstanding.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I have been keeping up with Hide/XO since I was a senior in high school (four years ago). I even canceled plans with the my friends because I knew you posting that night. But I don't think I have ever cared more about fictional characters in my entire life. Harry and Avery were the most emotional, vulnerable, accepting, flawed, provocative, loving characters I have ever encountered and it's all because of your genius mind.Thanks again for sharing them with us❤️

I've been here through it all Bee. The only thing I can think to say after reading what is probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read, is thank you. I don't remember the last time I've cried while reading a story, but I promise I ugly cried from beginning to end. You are so, so talented. We didn't deserve this kindness, this kindness of you sharing your works with us, but I'm so thankful you did. We loved Harry and Avery and we LOVE YOU. So thank you Bee. Thank you thank you thank you

Hii so I've never written in before but I just felt like I absolutely had to pop in and thank you. If you'd told me when I started this fic that four years later I'd still be checking into your tumblr daily to see if I would get another small window into Harry and Averys life I would have told you to fuck off and yet here I am. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this story and for creating a love story and characters so realistic I feel as if I actually know them. Xx

oh my god i was literally ugly crying while reading it bee you broke my fucking heart it was so beautiful

I saw that preview and knew. I just fucking knew. It's 11:41 pst and I am bawling my eyes out!! I have been with you and this story for years and to see it end is so so heartbreaking. But GOD Harry and Avery's is so beautiful and pure. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this with us. I'm still crying and I'll probably be crying for a long time.

Oh my goodness 😭😭 my mother is a breast cancer survivor. We got so lucky with her process and reading how it could have gone for us was surreal. I was in tears the entire time. Your writing is beautiful, I have fallen in love with Avery and Harry and they have taught me so much. I read your Hide posts the moment they used to come out on Friday nights and XO has never disappointed. Thank you Bee. I know it wasn't always easy for you but I appreciate every post. I will miss this story so much!

To be honest I had to take breaks in between the reading because wow ! I cried and got emotional and I absolutely love the way you wrote this one

That was literally the most depressing thing I've ever read in my entire life, damn you and your amazing writing omg

This is undoubtedly the most beautiful love story ever written. Thank you for giving us all this wonderful gift, even if I haven't stopped crying since I began reading this last part. A million times thank you.

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I have a certain attachment to Hide and that was a beautiful way of finishing it off. Well done, Bee. Thank you

I am here in the dark BAWLING MY EYES OUT!! 😭😭😭 Girl, I haven't cried this much since the first time I saw the notebook. I loved Hide so much. It's so much more than just fanfiction tbh. This was amazing writing, thank you so much.

I have no words other then thank you for the gift you have given me. This story touched me in so many ways that I can't even explain to you but it is hands down the best damn fic I read in my life ( and trust me it's already a long one). Heartbroking ending, went back to Hide at least 5 times in the past year and a half and will be going back to many more. Except I might not go to the ending again. Amazing. Wish you the best in life

You've put us through one hell of a ride with XO/Hide and its been fucking incredible, to say the least. I've never cried more reading a story before. Harry and Avery are forever immortal in my eyes and i'll reread their love story for as long as I possibly can. This story has changed me as a person and I can't thank you enough. Although i'm incredibly sad it has come to an end ill always love it. Havery's story means the world to me and bless you for being the creative writing legend you are xo

Hide/XO (really the entirety of "Death by Styles") has literally meant the world to me these past few years. It's what I read and re read over and over again when I've needed an escape and what's kept me believing in love and fate and happiness. It may sound silly, me talking about this story like i've got some sort of attachment to it, but I do and i've loved every second of it. I've cried, laughed, and loved because of this story and I thank you for that Bee. Thank you. XO

I aspire to write a story as well as Hide/XO one day. I've read a lot of romance novels, Hide is by far my favorite. I had a feeling when you posted the warning for us to get tissues that the ending would be that way. I cried from start to finish. It was heart breaking, beautiful, and amazing. Thank you for writing such a beautiful love story. I'm glad I was able to be "here for it all." Xx

That was heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much for always making me feel with your writing.

its taken me 2 hours and 15 minutes to read that chapter. oh my god. i have never cried so much, ever. thank you for making hide, it truly is the best fanfic EVER. you are a beautiful writer. that chapter was amazing, but it was emotionally traumatising and i don't think i will ever be over it. i have been reading hide for years, so thank you for sticking with it and making it beautiful from start to end♡♡♡

Thats a chaptet that im never going to be able to re-read, but it was a beautiful, heartaching and overwhelming end to this amazing world that you created with Avery and Harry. Its been 40 minutes that i read it and im still tearing up thinking about it. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing love with us and, though it was a bitter sweet goodbye, it was filled with everything that made Avery and Harry. Its been a pleasure Bee.

I have no words except thank you. Thank you for writing a beautiful story and thank you for giving it a beautiful ending (even if it did rip my heart out). I cried so much that I had to stop at some points so I could wipe my eyes to read. You are a very talented writer and I am so thankful that you shared your gift.

Just wanted to thank you for writing Hide. I've been here from the beginning and I've absolutely loved it. I cried and cried during the last chapter, I feel a real loss. But it's been lovely and you're a fantastic writer. Thank you for sharing your gift with us <3

I followed you when you had just finished up CDB. Have been here with hide since the beginning. I think I started following in high school. I'm finishing up college soon! It's been a wild ride. So dope of you to share this story with us.

I cried the entire time reading this chapter. Even the smutty scenes. HOLY SHIT. Bravo!

Jesus, that was possibly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. Part of me is so mad that this is their end. Like, they were meant to have it all. I was crying through the whole piece bc I knew that not only was this the end of Avery and Harry but it was THE END of Avery and Harry. I'm just so sad for them. It was a brilliant piece of writing and I can only imagine how you felt writing it. I shall miss them very much. Thank you for giving them to us ❤️

I am heartbroken absolutely heartbroken. I am actually crying. You are phenomenal your writing is literally making me cry. I have been following you since you started writing Hide and I've loved watching you grow as a person through it and I feel I've grown up through the time this fic was written and became an adult. So it's really interesting to read this as an adult when I first started reading this as a teenager. Wow a complete round of applause to you. You wrote Harry and Avery so perfectly

I've been reading your story for 2 years already? When I found out you had a dry run I tried my best to send you positive messages. You not updating was never an issue then I saw your note that you're finally ending Harry and Avery's story and I don't know what to feel, but one thing is for sure I want to say thank you for everything. All the emotions you've made us feel as your readers I'll always love your stories! I'll even name my daughter Avery! Here for it all? Always. Thank you.

Your the only writer I've come across where you write Harry as I see Harry and it makes your stories that much more better, believable and relatable. I hope you work through your writing dilemmas because your talent shouldn't go to waste.

I just wanted to say I love your writing, and you are so talented. I had a really tough school year and between a lot of school work and friend troubles and it was really rough. Your writing has always been such a bright spot and a great distraction. I hope you feel better and know that so many people (who've never even met you) love you and care about you. Sending hugs from Boston❤️❤️❤️.

The entire time I was reading Hide, I could help but think "Harry would definitely do that" or "That is such a Harry thing". Even though I don't personally know Harry, your Harry in Hide reminds me of real Harry more than other fanfics I have read. He is goofy, carefree, sweet and an all around good person with his sarcasm and dry sense of humour. Well done. I supposed this comes from observing him for 7 year.

I would just like to say how much I love your writing and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I loved reading harry and averys beautiful story. And although it's fictional I feel as if I truly know them and I'm proud of how far they've come. It's bittersweet that their story is coming to an end as well as your time writing fanfiction. I hope in the future you continue to write, even if just for yourself, because you truly have a gift and your characters have such depth My friend and I came across your fics a few years ago and truly fell in love with your stories. We actually started telling each other "here for it all" and it became a special saying that had a deep love and meaning behind. My friend actually got it as tattoo. I'm not as daring but those words,your words, mean a lot as well as your stories. It has been an honor and privilege to read your writing. All the best to you. Excited for the last bit of havery's story. Here for it all ❤️

You are 1D of a fanfiction. Your work is the best fanfic I have read hands down. With all due respect to other amazing writers on here, you are in a completely different category. Your story about harry and avery feels real and raw and every single time I read it( and trust me I read it over and over again), it's like getting to know them and their story all over again. It's a perfection for me as a reader. So thank you

It's so bittersweet because I followed Hide since the beginning when you still had your old blog. I absolutely loved the new shot and the entire XO Series. Although I'll miss Harry & Avery, you've more than done their story justice. You should be really proud Bee! I know you've had ups and downs with this fandom but thank you for finishing Hide and thank you for everything else xxx

I never have the right words to express how your writing makes me feel. I can't even tell you the exact number of times I read Hide series. The warmth, the kindness, the rawness and realness in your writing is beyond words. I don't even know ATM if those are real words. You render me spachless and for that I thank you. This is supposed to be just a fanfic but you made it into something real and very touching. Cheers love and once again thank you for sharing your amazing writing

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say since finishing Hide. The problem is, words can’t explain what you’ve done. My mom passed away from breast cancer when she was 44. Far too young to have experienced that, while all of Hide has been incredible. The way you chose to end their story was fantastic. It was real. The way harry was written in the last part reminded me so fully of my dad and how he felt after losing his wife and having to raise kids on his own, a life he loved but did not expect. You did Avery and Harry so much justice and the way I feel about this story and how you’ve written it is inexplicable. Thank you. And you better publish something some day, the world deserves to see you’re writing. I hope you had fun last night (I was there too!) it was incredible. God bless that beautiful boy and his ability to bring out the best in people. Keep doin you, Bee! Xo

I just wanted to tell you how much the story you have created means to me. I have been in love with the idea of Avery and Harry for such a long time, I can't even remember for how long. I loved coming to your tumblr to see new chapter, I loved that you have showed me that true love can really exist, I loved everything about it. It isn't just a fanfiction about Harry, it's an amazing story that can easly be published and I'm sure it would have been a bestseller. I don't remember how I found your tumblr, but I can't describe how happy it made me. As I'm writing this I'm sobbing uncontrollably. The last shot was just too much. It felt like I was really saying goodbye to Avery. It was a sad, but a perfect ending to an amazing story, that I probably would re-read 100 times more. Thank you for creating Hide, Thank you for everything.

I am crying so much. I can't, it was beautiful. I didn't expect it but it just made me want a love like theirs, I know it's fiction but that's the love you made them have, is/was gorgeous. You did amazing with this story 👏🏻

Thank you so much for sharing Harry's and Avery's story. I'm in tears while typing this message. I almost couldn't finish because that would mean the end. It's been more and more difficult to find stories and books that I can be 100% invested in. Your story has made me feel every emotion under the sun and I can't thank you enough for this experience. Everything was beautifully written from start to finish. I've been following your blog for quite some time now and know you've struggled writing their story so thank you again for not giving up on them and yourself. You really are a fantastic writer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello! I've been a long time ghost reader but I just finished the last installment of Harry and Avery. I just...it's been a while since I've cried from a story. The whole story has taken me on such a roller coaster but I loved every second of it. Being able to be apart of their development and growth, both individually and together, has been a privilege. The way you write them is incredible and I'm in such awe of you. There aren't enough words to describe how in love I am with Hide, XO, and the last 4 seasons (if I'm missing any installments i'm sorry). Your other stories...oh don't even get me started on your shorter fics cause I won't shut up about em!

I have never sobbed harder in my lifeI really want to hate you. I want to hate you so badly. But this was amazing and perfect and incredible. I'm wholly heartbroken.

I haven't stopped crying and this is all your fault haha I'm a sophomore in college and I first started reading this my sophomore year of high school. Some of my friends know of this story. You won't believe me if I say this but I always felt like Avery would die young...? She lived too much and so fast. She had this larger than life love and this grand and luxurious life and compared to how her life was before it's a huge contrast. She lived a life that is very respectful as well. I'm just sad because the way you ended this hurts a lot. I guess deep down I knew it wasn't going to be a fairly tale ending for these two but that is what you gave them and I respect you for it. I wonder if you cried as well during this because This must have been a very emotional journey for you. Thank you once again for sharing this with us. My favorite love story will be these two. Warm hugs and kisses to you dear

Not going to lie, I was upset at first when I read you were killing off Avery because I love her so. But, it was perfect. I'm still ugly crying. Thank you! I don't think I can say it enough. I may need to go and read it again for the 12th time. And that's not exaggeration. Love these two and this story!

Hey Bee! Just wanted to say thank you for Hide and XO. I discovered your writing at a not so great time in my life. And for a long time, it was what I looked forward to every week. Harry and Avery hold a special place in my heart. It might sound weird, but I sometimes think of naming my nonexistent daughter Avery cause the name reminds me of good times. I've never cried so much during a fanfic as I did the last part of XO. It was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing it. I know it wasn't always easy, and I appreciate every word you put into it. Thank you.

jesus christ i sobbed the entire way through that ending, it was a beautiful story and a perfect way to complete something you worked so hard on. thanks for sharing such a wonderful story 😊

wowowow I have never cried so much while reading a fic. the entire series has been incredibly amazing and beautifully written. thank you so so much for continuing the story through all these years and every up and down. here for it all💜💜

#hide fic #xo:series #havery #feedback

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dgarski · 5 years

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This Journey (Part XLVII)

The Interview

Q. What do you remember about when you had your heart attack, seizure and stroke?

A. Mostly, nothing. I do recall my words slurring just before I collapsed. I was trying to talk to a fellow coworker, and I couldn't get the words out correctly. He looked at me with a puzzled smirk and asked if I was okay. I told him no...and then I passed out. Q. Was there anything else that you remember about your collapse?

A. I must have awakened at some point to hear one of the paramedics talking to me. I don't recall what he said. Then, I started to dry heave, which felt like someone was punching me as hard as they could, four times, right in my chest. I remember him handing me a blue bag in case I were to vomit. Nothing came up. I then heard the sirens of the ambulance start, and then, I was out cold. That dry heaving, I think, was maybe, the actual heart attack, but I'm not sure. Q. Did you feel frightened?

A. No. It happened so fast, and I was unconscious for so much of it, fear never really entered the realm of what was happening to me. Q. So, you don't remember anything after you passed out in the ambulance?

A. Not a thing. Q. How long were you unconscious?

A. According to the doctors, I was out for four days straight.

Q. Do you remember waking up?

A. Most of my coming out of being unconscious, is still, nothing but a fog.

Q. What do you remember after you woke up?

A. Anything that I do remember, is mostly just slight pictures in my mind. They said that I pulled my feeding tube out of my nose, and I kinda remember doing that, but I'm not sure if I dreamt it or was awake when I did it.

Q. Where were you when you came to and started to be able to communicate again?

A. According to what I've been told, I was in a second room in the I.C.U, when I finally started talking and seeing hospital staff and family members. My sisters took some short clip videos on the cell phones.

Q. How did you feel when you saw those videos?

A. I was absolutely horrified.

Q. Why?

A. It didn't look or sound like me. My voice was weirdly lower, which I guess was caused by the tube they had shoved down my throat when I was unconscious. In these videos, you can hear me barely making any sense. I sounded like I had been drinking a lot of alcohol.

Q. When you finally started coming around and experienced more lucidity, what do you remember?

A. I remember being in a hospital gown, butt-naked underneath. I had tubes coming out of me, everywhere. The room I was in was freezing cold. I remember shaking and my lower body shivering uncontrollably. The less dignified parts were when I tried to fart and it came out as diarrhea. Embarrassing is not nearly a strong enough word for how that felt. There really is very little dignity to maintain after that.

Q. How long were you in the second I.C.U. room?

A. I only remember maybe two days, then I was transferred upstairs to the rehab floor. I remember when they had me in the wheelchair, I was so grateful to be out of that room and on my way to another room with more space and privacy. That was a huge thing for me at that point.

Q. Once you moved to your rehab room, how fast or slow were you able to become more aware of what was going on?

A. I would say, almost immediately. What had happened to me, still hadn't really sunk in yet. Even though I was more aware of my surroundings and more awake, it's all still, very much a fog to me.

Q. In what way, is it a fog?

A. Well, my family has been telling me stories about the things they said to me when I was in the hospital that I swear, they never did. I guess they call it "short-term memory loss". Q. What do you remember most about being on the rehab floor?

A. The indescribable mental anguish of feeling like I was in some sort of jail and wanting desperately to get out, at any cost.

Q. That had to be frightening.

A. No. Fear still hadn't reached me yet. I was more pissed off than anything else. I was furious that I was in a hospital bed, not being able to move. Q. Why couldn't you move?

A. Because I was labeled as a "fall risk" from the stroke. They had to keep an alarm connected to my clothing. Sometimes, I'd forget that I was wearing it, and I would try to climb out of bed, only to have it go off. It was exceptionally aggravating. Q. What kind of food did they serve you?

A. Hospital food is truly, a contradiction in terms. Everyone seemed to have this penchant for echoing my sentiments towards pudding. It was weird! They kept bringing me three different flavored bowls of pudding: chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch. At first, I remember thinking that this was some part of my medication, to have three bowls of pudding with each of my three daily meals. Then, they told me that at some point, I said that I liked pudding. Apparently, this was when I was just coming out of being unconscious...which I don't remember. Well, yeah...who doesn't like pudding? Why would anybody need that much pudding? Q. What else did they try to feed you?

A. Have you ever tried to eat hospital food? It isn't food. I don't know what it is. They kept bringing me this thing that looked like a large hockey puck, along with the absolute worst tasting brown rice, I have ever eaten. The green beans tasted like they were made of rubber. It turned out that the hockey puck was something called a veggie burger. I didn't touch it.

Q. So, what did you actually eat?

A. Well, everyone was worried that I wasn't eating enough. I remember a woman coming up to my room and asking me what I would eat. I told her that I wanted pizza. She brought me a cheese pizza slice; and I devoured it in minutes. As good as that pizza was, it went right through me. I eventually ate nothing but Fruit Loops and Frosted Flakes for every meal. Q. When you did your rehab, was it difficult?

A. Not at all. I got through each of the tests with flying colors. I remember the nurses having a sort of puzzled, almost unbelieving look on their faces, as if they had run out of thing for me to do. I was surprised that they were surprised.

Q. What do you remember about those last few days in the hospital?

A. I remember begging to make deals with the devil to get me the fuck out of there! I knew that I didn't belong in that hospital anymore. I wanted out, and I was ready to do anything to make that happen. Q. Did you have any other realizations during that time?

A. Yup. I was beginning to realize what I had been through, and how I had survived a major health battle. I felt like I had cheated death and that I had won a huge fight.

Q. When you left the hospital, how did you feel?

A. With my family by my side, I still felt very lost. It was all so very surreal. It was like I was watching the life of someone else, through the eyes of someone else. Nothing was real. I still feel like that, to this day.

Q. Your family packed up and vacated your apartment and almost all of your belongings, then towed your vehicle 1250 miles to your parents home in Wisconsin. How much of that do you remember?

A. Pretty much, all of it. I didn't actually go on that road trip. My mom, brother-in-law and I flew from Orlando to Chicago, then drove from O'Hare to Racine. It was freezing cold. It was still winter and dark. We got to my parents house, and I remember feeling very tired. I just wanted to sleep for a week or two. The next morning, my sister and her boyfriend pulled in and unloading almost all of my belongings, my entire life into my parents garage. I was sound asleep when they did this. Q. What happened after that?

A. Each day was a struggle for me to climb out of bed and find a reason to exist. It still hadn't fully made sense to me, what had happened to me. It felt like I had merely come home to visit and that I would be leaving to go back home to Orlando, in a few days. In my mind, going back to Florida was the only thing that mattered.

Q. How did your family respond to that?

A. Well, they tried to understand how I felt, but I think it was harder for them to get me to understand that going back to Orlando any time soon, was just not an option.

Q. How did that make you feel?

A. It pissed me off, big time. I felt like I didn't ask for this to happen to me and that I couldn't get anyone to understand how I felt.

Q. How did you feel?

A. I felt lost. I felt like I had lost everything: my life, my identity, my apartment, my home, my strength, everything I was, had all vanished. Q. What did you understand about the needed process of recovery and healing?

A. Nothing. I had no idea what was happening to me or what was going to be required of me to heal and rest.

Q. You decided one night to write a sort of blog on what you were going through and how you were feeling, and you posted it on Facebook. What made you decide to begin writing about what you were going through?

A. Writing is a mental therapy I discovered about 20 years ago, when I found it easy to do on my computer. It didn't matter to me if anyone else read my words. It was simply, an easy way for me to get my feelings and emotions out, and keep them organized in the process.

Q. What made you decide to start a blog?

A. Well, it was the immediate response from so many people on Facebook, and the fact that so many people had been reading my stuff. It felt like so many people out there, cared about what I was going through, and that they wanted me to know that they were supportive. It felt really good. It felt validating and motivating enough for me to begin this blog I call: "This Journey". Q. Do people still read your blog?

A. I think there are a few people who read it; but it really isn't about anyone else reading my words. I certainly don't require validation, although it is nice to know that there are some out there who are actually interested in how I'm doing. Q. In the past four and half months, what have you learned, and what have been your struggles?

A. I've learned that medication fucks with you. It makes me exhausted all the time. I know that I'm under weight by about 10-15 pounds. I know that I am still much weaker than I was before my collapse. One of the first comments I made to the doctors in the hospital was how atrophic my muscles felt, like I didn't have any strength.

Q. What did they say?

A. Mostly that I should try to get out and walk, get some exercise. Q. Did you do that?

A. Once it warmed up a little, I went for short walks and tried to increase the distance each time.

Q. Has it worked?

A. It did, but I always felt exhausted and sore in my back and neck, afterwords. Q. How many doctors appointments have you been to since you've been back to Racine?

A. Honestly, I've long since lost count. Between my primary doctor, the cardiologist, the neurologist, the rehabilitation nurse and the optometrist, and all of the tests I've had to take, I would have to say it's been at least 15-20 visits. I don't really know.

Q. What have you learned about post-stroke, heart attack and possibly having a seizure, that relates in a physical or mental affirmation?

A. I realized early on that the regulating of my physical well-being, was actually, the easy part. It's the mental struggles I deal with every day. I always feel tired and worn out. I have no idea how much of that struggle is my own preconceived notions or the actual results of the stroke. I've tried as hard as I can to try to usher in some sense of normalcy back into my life, but it has been very difficult.

Q. In what way?

A. I still l feel a tremendous sense of loss and frustration. I get angry and have become short-tempered, much more so than before the collapse. Sometimes, I feel like nobody truly understands what I'm going through. I feel like each day that I am away from my life in Florida, is how many more days I have to wait before I can ever go back.

Q. Do you fear that you won't actually go back to Florida?

A. It is my absolute, number one fear above everything, including having another stroke. I fear that it might take me far longer to save the money to move back to Florida than I originally anticipated. Q. Do you see yourself back in Florida in the future, back to your old life?

A. I can visualize it quite clearly in my head, which I think is half the battle. I can plan the goals, but the money is the foremost issue I have to deal with.

Q. How do you plan to save the money you need?

A. Well, I recently started a part-time work at my old job from thirty-some-odd years ago, which has been extremely surreal for me. I have also reinstated my guitar lessons website in hopes of getting a few students to help me make extra money. I'm still waiting on that.

Q. Have you figured out how much money you need to move back to Florida?

A. I have outlined an approximation of about five to six thousand dollars for me to move comfortably, without too much worry.

Q. In the four months since you've been back in Racine, have others continued to show interest in your well-being and recovery?

A. Honestly, just about everyone has moved on, which I do understand. The novelty has worn off. There remains a few people who still call or text to see how I'm doing, but even those are few and far between. The more time that goes by, the more alone I feel. I miss friends and coworkers back home. I miss talking with the normal, everyday people in my daily circle. Q. What do you want others to know about where you are at this time of your life?

A. As much as I am trying to convince myself each day, how much I want others to know that this ordeal is merely one chapter in the book of my life, it doesn't define me as a person. I am getting stronger each day, but it has become a very slow process. I am a fighter and a survivor, and with help and understanding, I will one day get back to Florida and restart my life again.

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