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valeriethepussycats · 4 years

Text

Assemble

Chapter 3

Pairing- Loki x Reader x Steve (one side)

Warning- cursing

Your thoughts and other characters are in italics.

Flashback Bold

The next day. Y/n is standing outside a gym trying to keep her powers under control but but it’s hard when your surrounded by people.

What’s in my fridge right now?....Do I have any milk?

I think I’m pregnant with my brother in-law baby’s

How come you never read about a psychic

winning the lottery?

Am I Ashy? I hope I’m not Ashy.

Why is Batman a superhero when he brutally Beats up bad guys for saying hello.

When I get home I’m watching A Bug’s Life.

Calming down the voices she finally walks inside the gym and see Captain America. He’s beats the punching bag harder, like physically hurting it will repress the memories.

Hydra base, Captain America is running through a forest, didging mortar shells, gunfire and Tesseract energy blasts.

“There's not enough time! I gotta put her in the water!” Steve’s Voice echoed.

In the present, Steve's punches become harder and more violent.

Steve places the compass he has, featuring a picture of Peggy Carter, on the dash as the plane plummets towards the ice.

The present, punches become voilent and agressive.

“You won't be alone.” Peggy declared.

Red skull picked up the Tesseract, and vanishes.

In the present, Steve is beathing the bag with everything he has, destroying it and beating his fists.

“Oh my god!”

Steve is lying on a table, half frozen, and still partially trapped in a slab of ice. Two SHIELD scientists run equipment over him, checking for his vitals. Something flickers...

“This guy is still alive!”

Y/n gets pulled out of Steve’s mind. “Wow. That one way to come backwards to the world.

“You punch any harder your fist is gonna go though it.“

Steve stops punching the bag and turns around and see Y/n. “Agent Munroe ma’am. Phil told me that you were coming.”

“Y/n. Just call me Y/n.” She said with a smile.

Steve starts to punch the bag again. “It's nice to meet.”

“Likewise. So how do you feel?” Y/n asked showing concern for a man she just met.

Y/n walks up to a punching bag next to Steve and, starts playfully punching it.

“Like I belong in a different time.....all of this is so strange. Flat screen TVs, cars that run on electricity.....” Steve trailed off.

“It’s understandable but look at the bright side you can have food deliver to your house.” Y/n said with a fond look.

Steve looks at Y/n confused.

“Pizza. Chinese food... Oh men we have to make some stops before we go to Shield.” Y/n proclaimed.

“We don’t have time to make stops. They need us this is important.” Steve protested.”You’re right they do. But you need to experience this first and I know you're hungry.” Y/n insisted.

Steve sigh defeat. “Ok fine but only for an hour two at it’s tops.”

“Yes! You dont know it yet but This the start of an beautiful friendship.” Y/n said With a sincere smile as her and Steve walk out the gym.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Inside the Quinjet, Steve is sitting down with a tablet, watching the footage of the Hulk's attack on the Army at Culver University.

“We're about forty minutes out from base, sir.” One of the pilots said

Agent Coulson stands up from his seat and wipe his face with a napkin.

Francis’s pizza is so good.

Y/n chuckles as Coulson and walks over to her and Steve.

“So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me?” Steve asked.

“A lot of people were. I was assign to stop some of them. You were the world's first superhero.” Y/n replied.

“Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula.” Coulson informed Steve.

The Hulk roars with fury as he slams a jeep apart.

“Didn't really go his way, did it?” Steve queried.

“Not so much. When he's not that thing though, guy's like a Stephen Hawking” Coulson explained.

Steve looks confused.

Y/n leans over and whispers. “He's a smart person.”

“I gotta say, it’s an honor to meet you, officially.” Steve smiles at Coulson as he continues. “I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping.” Steve looks down then a Y/n. He stands up, closes his laptop and walks to the side with Coulson following. “I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honor to have you on board.”

“Smooth. Real smooth Coulson.” Y/n lied.

“Well, I hope I'm the man for the job.” Steve remarked.

“Of course you are you’ve done amazing things in the past. You’re the perfect person for this job.” Y/n said sincerely and with a small smile.

“Ya Absolutely. Uh... we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input.” Coulson told Steve.

“The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little... old fashioned?” Steve supposed.

“With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned.” Coulson stated.

As Steve takes in Coulson's sentiment. The Quinjet lands down a massive battleship known as the Helicarrier. It has two runways. One with direct access to a hangar at the rear is aligned along the spine of the vessel. Y/n walks up to Phill.

“Does the name Ororo Munroe mean anything to you?” Y/n questioned.

“No. Does it suppose to.” Coulson lied.

“No I guess not.” Y/n remarked not hiding her disappointment.

Agent Coulson, Y/n, and Steve walk down the ramp, meeting up with Natasha.

“Agent Romanoff, Captain Rogers.” Coulson said introducing the two.

“Ma’am?” Steve replied.

“Hi.” She looks at Coulson. “They need you on the bridge. They're starting the face-trace.”

“Nat” Y/n said happily. “I didn’t know you were going to be here Coulson doesn’t tell me anything.” Y/n hugs Natasha then they both look at Coulson like ‘explain.’

“See you there.” Coulson said walks away, leaving Steve and Y/n with Natasha, the pair walking towards the railing of the Helicarrier.

“It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?” Natasha wondered.

“Trading cards?” Steve asked confused.

“They’re vintage, he's very proud.” Y/n disclosed.

Bruce Banner is seen walking around the ship, trying to stay out of the way while people walk in his way.

“Dr. Banner.” Steve called out.

The three walk up to each other and shake hands.

“Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you'd be coming.” Bruce began. “You must be agent Munroe.”

“You can call me Y/n it’s nice to finally meet you.” Y/n replied.

“Thanks.” Bruce said in a casual tone.

“Word is you can find the cube.” Steve Inclined.

“Is that the only word on me?” Bruce questioned.

“Only word I care about.” Steve answered.

Bruce takes in the sentiment. “It must be strange for you, all of this.”

Steve looks off to where a group of men in training are running, remembering his days in the army. “Well, this is actually kind of familiar.”

“Gentlemen, you might want to step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath.” Natasha disclosed.

The Helicarrier starts to shake as it prepares to take "sail". Others abord strap down planes and Quinjets in preparation.

“Is this a submarine?” Steve asked Y/n.

“Really? They wanted me in a submerged, pressurized metal container?” Bruce Said with sarcasm.

“No no it not a submerged.” Y/n answered.

The two both move closer to the edge of the Helicarrier. Four huge lift fans mounted on the sides starts to lift into the air as the ship takes flight. Steve watches in awe while Bruce just smiles.

“Oh, no. This is much worse.” Bruce said with mock astonishment.

The doors part and we enter the bridge of the ship. A flurry of activity, dozens of agents sit in front of their viewscreens. Agent Hill shouts instructions to leave. The camera turns to Nick Fury who is at the command chair.

“We're at lock, sir.” Agent Hill disclosed.

“Good. Let's vanish.” Nick answered.

The Helicarrier rises high into the heavens. Suddenly the entire ship is covered in reflecting mirrors, which then camouflages in the sky. Steve, Y/n and Banner walk through the glorious, gleaming bridge

“Gentlemen.” Nick started.

Steve gives Fury 10 bucks, referring to his earlier statement about never being surprised again. “And agent Munroe what a Surprise I thought you were in Sydney.”

“Well I got tired of helping Umm Marlin look for Nemo.” Y/n said with fire.

Fury walks over Banner and extends his hand. Banner, reluctantly shakes it.] Doctor, thank you for coming.

“Thanks for asking nicely. So, uh... how long am I staying?” Bruce asked.

“Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're in the clear.” Nick replied.

“Where are you with that?” Bruce asked.

Nick Fury turns to Agent Coulson to explain, while Natasha eyes an image of Clint Barton on a computer screen.

“We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cellphones, laptops. If it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ears for us.” Agent Coulson explained.

“That's still not gonna find them in time.” Natasha mumbled.

“Couldn’t we use spectrometers to speed up the process?” Y/n said pondering out loud.

“Yes that could work. How many spectrometers do you have access to?” Bruce voiced.

“How many are there?” Nick asked Bruce.

“Call every lab you know, tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays. I'll rough out a tracking algorithm based on cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work?” Bruce said with determination

“Agent Romanoff, would you show Dr. Banner to his laboratory, please.” Nick order.

Natasha nods and walks off, leading Banner down the hall. “You're gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys.”

Y/n goes to leave as well but gets stop by the sound of Nick Fury.

“Agent Munroe my office.” Nick announced.

“No offense but I don’t think you want that right now.” Y/n said fire.

“My office now.” Nick hissed ordered

Y/n and Nick walks to his office in silence. Y/n is barely holding back her anger and this Conversation with Director Fury is not going to help but she needs to get this off her chest or she’ll explode. Director Fury opens the door to his office and Motion for Y/n to walk in. She walks past him into the room and sit down in the chair in front of his desk. Director Fury closes the door and looks at Y/n.

“What are you doing here?” Nick asked.

“I’m here to help.” Y/n declared.

“You were supposed to be in Sydney.” Nick pointed out

“How do you know I was supposed to be in Sydney I haven’t called to do a check in.” Y/n teased.

I wonder if he’s going to tell me that he has a Tracking Device on me.

“Agent Coulson told me of your whereabouts.” Nick answered.

“Hmm I bet he did.” Y/n replied.

”Your assistance is no longer required we can we can handle it from here head home.” Nick ordered.

“Are you kidding me.” Y/n shouted. As she shot up from her seat. “I’m the only one here that knows anything remotely about Loki and you’re gonna bench me.”

”And how would you know that.” Nick questioned.

“re.....search.” Y/n lied.

Nick gives Y/n ‘the I’m not believing you’ look.

“Ok fine I was there ok I fought The Destroyer.” Y/n confessed.

“I already knew I was just waiting on you to tell me.” Nick replied.

“Of course you knew why wouldn’t you know.” Y/n said dryly.

“I’m not saying you’re not best the person for the job I’m saying it’s not safe with your condition.” Nick remarked.

“My cond- what is my condition?”

“It is not....it’s not safe for the people on this Helicarrier if you don’t have control your powers.”

“You want to talk about safety of the people, was you trying to keep me safe by not telling me my mother is alive or keeping me away from Gambit.” Y/n Stated.

The anger she felt roll off of her like a wave which made the room begin to shake.

“Y/n I didn’t tell you because-“

“You are afraid another November 18 is gonna happen.....ye have little faith. I want Gambit here now and if you can’t get him here I want a number. I’m not talking those stupid pills anymore.” Y/n declared as she throws the pill bottle in trash. “And I’m going to stay here and help and you’re going to allow it.” Y/n finished as she walks out of the room not waiting for his response.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Back in the underground lab, Loki is looking Looking through all the Shield Agent portfolios until he comes across one in particular. Agent Munroe’s portfolio. As Loki opens portfolios to read it he finds every page in there to be blank.

“Agent Barton a word.” Loki called.

Clint walks over to Loki like a puppet with strings.

“What do you know of Agent Munroe?” Loki asked.

“She is a powerful mutant that can control the weather and read minds.” Clint answered.

“Read minds hmm that will be all.” Loki said smirking.

Erik and several scientists work around the CMS device. Clint walks in, holding a tablet.

“Put it over there!” Erik told Clint. “Where did you find all these people?”

“Shield has not shortage of enemies, Doctor.” Clint Stated as he holds up a screen showing information on Iridium. “Is this the stuff you need?”

“Yeah, iridium. It's found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It's very hard to get hold of.” Erik explained.

“Especially if Shield knows you need it.” Clint Mumbled

“Well, I didn't know!” Erik said gruffly. Then he Sees Loki walking in. “Hey! The Tesseract is showing me so much. It's more than just knowledge, it's... truth.”

“I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton?” Loki wondered.

“My next target.” Clint voiced

“Tell me what you need.” Loki replied.

“I'll need a distraction.” Clint said grabbing his bow. “And an eyeball.”

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

That night in the Helicarrier bridge. As they are waiting to locate Loki using satellite facial recognition, Coulson is standing with Steve.

“I mean, if it's not too much trouble.”Coulson suggested

“No, no. It's fine.” Steve reassured Coulson.

“It's a vintage set. It took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges, but...”

“We got a hit. Sixty-seven percent match. Weight, cross match, seventy-nine percent.” Agent Jasper Sitwell announced.

“Location?” Coulson asked.

“Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding.” Agent Jasper Sitwell answered.

“Captain, you're up.” Nick disclosed.

Steve nods and walks off the bridge. Walking down the hallway he passes Y/n.

“We found Loki he’s In Germany.” Steve informed Y/n as he’s walking down the hallway.

“Radio silence and now he’s making appearance that’s not strange at all.....You got this Cap now go show him who’s he’s Messing with.” Y/n sincerely with a smile.

“Yes ma’am.” Steve said with a fond look and a head nod.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

Outside the Stuttgart Museum, it’s night. Loki is standing in front of the museum, dressed in 21st Century attire with his scepter disguised as a cane. He walks up to the entrance of the gala.

A lavished gala with an orchestra playing is interrupted as the head doctor walks up to the mic.

Inside Helicarrier where Steve's locker is. Steve walks into the locker room. As he approaches to the steel cabinet, the doors already reveal the updated Captain America uniform, along with the famous shield. He stands in silence.

Outside the museum. German guards stand in their positions. One of them is standing on tip of the roof, scoping. He then hears a sound. He looks down. One of his guards is shot with an arrow. He raises his gun. He is shot dead by an arrow. Falls down. Barton and his crew arrive at the doors of the locked science building. Barton looks at the retinal scanner.

He pulls out a Shield eye scanner instrument. Inside the gala, Loki looks from above the museum and descends down to where the head doctor is. As he makes it down and near the stage, he flips his cane the other end. The guard there notices him, pulls out his gun, but Loki clubs his head in. Chaos erupts. Guests begin to leave the museum. Loki grabs the doctor and flips him over onto a marble table of the mythological creatures bilchsteim. Loki pulls out an optical torture device. He plunges down the doctor's eye. The doctor twists in pain.

Outside the museum.

Suddenly from Barton's instrument, a holographic eye of the head doctor appears and the image of the doctor appears on screen. The doors to the facility open. Barton walks in and finds in a cabinet, a glass thermos with a cylinder of iridium. As the crowd runs away, Loki slowly walks out and materializes in his gold armor and helmet. The police arrive and with no hesitation, he blasts the cars, flipping them over and over.

“Kneel before me.” Loki voiced but crowd ignores him. Three more Loki's appear, surrounding and blocking the crowd from escaping. “I said KNEEL!” Loki yelled. While the crowd quietly kneels, Loki embraces out his arms with a wide smile

“Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel.” Loki declared.

As the words resonate to the kneeling crowd, an elder German man refuses to kneel and stands, heroic. “Not to men like you.”

“There are no men like me.” Loki specified.

“There are always men like you.” Elder German Man remarked.

“Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example.” As Loki is about to execute the man with his scepter as the light glows blue. Right as the energy beam shoots out, Captain America arrives, diving in just in time to block the blast with his shield, and knocking down Loki.

“You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing.” Captain America explained

Loki Standing up. “The soldier. A man out of time.”

“I'm not the one who's out of time.” Captain America replied.

From above Captain America, the Quinjet arrives. A machine gun is pointed towards Loki, while Natasha speaks from inside the aircraft.

“Loki, drop the weapon and stand down.”

Like greased lightning, Loki sends a blast of blue at the Quinjet. Natasha maneuvers it just in time, giving Cap the time to throw his shield at Loki. They both began to duke it out. Loki flings Cap to the ground, and then Cap throws his shield, but Loki swats it away. As Cap is knocked down by Loki, the scepter is pointed to Cap's helmet.

“Kneel.” Loki ordered.

“Not today!” Cap flips and knocks him out with his leg. Loki grabs him and flips him over]

“This guy's all over the place.” Natasha mumbled.

Suddenly AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" overdrives to the Quinjets speakers.

“Agent Romanoff, did you miss me?” Tony Stark wondered. Both Cap and Loki look up at the sky. Tony flies over in his Iron Man suit and blasts Loki right back to the ground. Iron Man touches down. He stands up and pulls out every piece of weaponry the suit has. “Make your move, Reindeer Games.”

Loki puts up his hands and surrenders. His armour materializes away

“Good move.” Tony said in a level tone.

“Mr. Stark.”

“Captain.”

Part 4

#loki x reader #loki x black!reader #steve x reader #steve x black!reader #thor x reader #avengers x reader #marvel x reader

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msawesomegeek · 4 years

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Avengers Infinity war/end game review

A/N: So quarantine happened, and I finally got around to watching movies again, now including giving the MCU one last chance. And spoiler alert... It didn’t truly deserve it. Also spoiler alert, and also this is two three hour reviews crammed into one, so it is gonna be a little while.

Also also, while I have seen most of the movies in the marvel cinematic universe, I have not seen Dr. strange, guardians 2, into dark world and Captain marvel.

So let’s start off with Infinity war, it had some genuinely good moments. The only plot and character arc that was outright annoying was Bruce’s. It was good it had real character developments, and a lot of relationships that were great. I thought it was funny to the right extent, and serious when it needed to be. Honestly I could have done without a lot of scenes but I understood the fact that all characters needed some screen time to be fully developed. But like, did we honestly care that much about the romance with Vision and Wanda to need the scene before them being attacked more than just a quick establishment of them kissing? I enjoyed the emotional scene genuinely, the Peter and Gamora scene was heart wrenching, and showed Thanos devotion to his goal. I had a little hard time believing he loved her enough to it being enough of a sacrifice, but it still worked.

The big scale battle was kind of annoying but I will get into that later.

The cinematography was fine, I enjoyed how colourful they allowed space to be, and that the lighting for the most part was not grey and gritty.

There were a lot of plot holes in this movie, like why did Thanos forget all the crazy powers he had in the Gamora Peter scene and not use it in the battle later? The problem with this is also that power differences is so weird, and non consistent. Like in the battle with Thanos, strange, Spidey and Tony, how do any of the three heroes have a chance against someone who can manipulate the rules of reality? Like Strange, maybe, but the two others? Not a chance!

The stones themselves raise a lot of questions. Like if he can control time and space, why not bring Gamora back the second the gets the soul stone? Or go back to a time when the rule that you have to do that does not apply. And in End Game, why not just kill baby Thanos? Why doesn't he go back in time to make sure the avengers do not get in his way in the first place?

The Loke death in the beginning felt so... Pointless? Seriously? Why has Loke been apart of anything in the MCU up until now? His arc has been pointless, and when he dies it is within the first 10 minutes, so it’s like: Oh, Loke is in this. And he is dead again. But because he has been “Dead” before, it does not resonate! And that is a general annoyance I have with these two movies, the stakes are non-existent. We know which characters have movies coming up, so we know who is going to survive in the end and who doesn't. So when they die, it doesn't have any impact!

So the movie is pretty good, it has some real emotional hits and some genuinely funny scenes, but it also leave you confused during some scenes. The thing I enjoyed the most about this movie, is the fact that Thanos won. The fact that the good guys lost, is amazing! Because after seeing them win challenge after challenge over 20 films, it was great to actually see our heroes lose, actually lose.

Onto End Game, to say that this is the worse of the two is correct. The movie for a two parter movie does hold up as movies on their own, which is great considering how all other movies split into two parts are as stand alone movies.

The colour grading in this movie is just weird, and a lot of times, it is weird looking at and clear that it was shot on a green screen, and usually an unnecessary green screen, for my taste. This combined with lack of playing with colour in this movie, everything just visually seemed gray and boring. No shots were interesting, they never played with the pacing of anything, it was all just regular film making, which is okay, but honestly bland. Even the composition of the everyone avengers assemble shot is so messy it does not evoke the amazing comic book front page style it could have been.

End game has a lot of big problems, and I might go into more of a ranting terrortory than actual reviewing, and for that I am sorry. But it has a lot of problems. The character arcs are so rushed and you never get time to absorb anything emotionally or care about anything that is going on, because then we immediately cut to another character, and we have to be completely invested in them. Thanos role in this movie was weird, while the first half of it was earned the rest of his part in the movie seemed forced. But what I think both movies got wrong about Thanos, is that they cut out death. Which is a shame, because a big part of his character and motivation is his love affair with mistress death. Hell they even put it in as an easter egg the first time we ever see Thanos! And his philosophy combined with his love and romance with death, would make sense, but they completely missed that opportunity. Which would also give more impact to him killing people more than just morals, and make him a more dimensional character.

The three biggest problems this movie has is pacing, tone and character arcs. Along the same lines of infinity war, the pacing is a little better in the first movie, but all over the place in End game. And the problem is because the pacing is so quick and everything needs to progress so quickly, everything just seems so rushed, and everything that was supposed to be an obstacle was basically solved in a super easy barely an inconvenience kind of way. The problem with the pacing is also that it rushes the characters. Meaning every time something happens to any character, any tension and character development, hell even emotional impact that could have had is cut short to cut to another characters arc. And even if it is not like that, the harsh editing in the movie ensures that any emotion any scenes hold is immediately undercut by something. Like, wow Hawkeye has lost all sense of morals and Natascha can't talk sense into him, but his surface is beginning to crack, that is interesting, let’s immediately cut from that to Thor opening a beer!

The only things that were actually given any kind of consideration to the pacing in this movie was when Scott came back, and the funeral scene, and maybe the fight scene in the end. Every thing else in this entire movie is so weirdly paced! Like, oh boy the stakes are high, I wonder if we will ever be able to figure out this time travel thing. 5 minutes later, Iron man comes out of a car and deus ex machina’s the entire thing. Like why? This should be a bigger issue? Oh no, we lost the one infinity stone, but we don’t have enough Pim particles to travel back anymore times. Simple just travel back to world war two, steal them as you conveniently get into a heavily guarded area while remembering that the love of your life exists while also without much trouble steals and have a cathartic moment with your father who dont know its you, so you can conveniently get back. That whole sequence is pretty cool, but is undermined so many times by being resolved too quickly, making you wonder what the point of it being a conflict at all was?

Which brings me to its second biggest problem, tone. This movie unlike the first one that balanced things pretty amazingly, cannot decide whether it wants to be dramatic action or a comedy, and it ends up being neither. I cannot stress enough how much I hate the jokes in this movie! The jokes are good, hell they are funny (though the Thor got fat jokes needs to leave and never come back. (although that big Labowski reference can stay, but it is on thin f*cking ice.) The other movies had fun moments, this genuinely felt like I was watching a parody movie half of the time. Yes the jokes are funny, I laughed out loud at the america’s ass jokes, but that joke felt like a meme that was somehow left in the final cut. The problem is, whereas the other movies, usually only used the comedy as a relief in certain scenes, it allowed other scenes to be genuinely emotional. It knew when it was appropriate to joke around. It did actually get it right a few times, the whole “hi peter” introduction between cap marvel and Spidey, was in character and genuinely appropriate to the situation, and funny, that scene worked. Where it did not work, was when Tony got back from space, part of that scene was amazing! It was a broken Tony confronting people he did not agree with about the fact that they lost and that he was traumatised and that he told them something like this could happen but they did not listen to him! And it just cuts in-between him being mad as hell and sad as he should be, to be cracking jokes two seconds later. And I hate that scene! Because it did not understand that it was not the time that it needed to break the tension it could have been an amazing and heartwrenching scene that eventually led to Tony giving up his super hero career and setting Tony and Steve on the path to forgiving each other. But no, it was constantly undercut by comedy. It was like they forgot that scenes were allowed to be emotional and not have any quick wit in it and still be good. The tone was just messy all the way through and seemed like I was watching two movies that had been mashed together into one.

The last problem this movie has is character arcs. Besides the undercutting of the emotions of its character in order to make jokes. This movie also seemed to forget who these characters were. It has a problem that many films like it has had, which is too many characters in one film. Every character is never given proper time, we like them because we know them, but this movie does nothing to further their relationships or own growth. The time jump, screws a lot of things up. Like I did not mind but why give Hulk the power to control Hulk then? (His arc through the entire MCU) and not right as he grabbed the stones, him through them being given the knowledge that Hulk isn’t the disease but the cure. Why not make his arc matter to the plot?! (like it did in the first avengers which was though a pretty deus ex machina, solution still a development that coincided with the plot!) The whole Natascha, Hawkeye fight was good, it meant something and it reminded me of their fight in the first Avengers that showed how good friends they were. But the quick editing ruins Nats death so much. This plays into pacing as well, but we are never given any kind of time to be sad about Nats death. Yes she was a minor character, but she was a character we cared about. If they could only have spent a few more seconds at Hawkeye realising what is happening, and being sad about Nats sacrifice in the soul world, and then picking up the stone and being like, I will finish this for you Natascha. That was all the writers needed to do, it would take two minutes more, but it would have allowed her death to mean something more. Hell Coulsons death was given more screen time in the first avengers than someone we have spent so many movies seeing and caring about!

I honestly wished that they had followed the comics version more, and in infinity wars, introduced Thanos, then wrapped up all the original avengers character arcs in that film. Let the snap happen and let Thanos also kill the original Avengers. Then let End Game be about the devastating loss, and the second squad (Black Panther, Scarlett, vision, Captain Marvel, Peter, Strange and part of Guardians & Ant-man) Struggle with their personal grief about losing their friends and mentors, finding the courage to band together and fight to go and defeat Thanos. I would have loved that so much more, mostly because it would give them a chance to lose and have these newer avengers actually mourn them all properly, while also being able to properly process it, and then decide to pick up their torch and finish what the original avengers started. But sadly we got this mess.

Also, I really need to rant about one particular thing in both movies, and honestly it has been a long time coming, but if I have to look at one more giant CGI henceman battle, I will walk out of the movie theatre! This is in both infinity war and End game! I do not care! I hate those big CGI lord of the ring type battles. Why? Because, yes it makes it all look grand, but it also make it look pointless. I don’t care about any of the people they are fighting I care about the villains and the heroes, characters I have spent time with. Why does Thanos send, wizard what's his face and other CGI dude in the first place? I do not care about his henchmen! I do not care about their meaningless fights with their meaningless goons. Why not instead of this giant battle in Wakanda and on the planet in End game ending battle, have all of our previously established villains, such as Loke, Hella, Thanos, that dude from guardians, whoever is the villain in captain marvel and doctor strange. Be the people they fight? Why not make it a few villains that we actually care about be the villains they are fighting, and instead of them punching random fools they could actually fight people who pose an actual challenge to them. Giving everything more meaning and not just, look how many CGI extras we can afford. It is not fun anymore! I have had it! Fight fewer but harder bad guys! That way the fight has some actual stakes and meaning!

If you have made it this far, wow, impressive. I also imagine that it is very clear that I thought there was a lot of problems with these two movies. I will not say I hated them. They were not flaming piles of garbage like suicide squad, but they are also not anywhere near as good as the first guardians movie. In the end, they were entertaining. Were they, I am willing to sit through these six hours ever again entertaining? Abso-f*cking-lutely not.

I have before given up on the cinematic univers and come back to it and this was me actually hoping it would be great movies that everyone said they were, so I could get back into Marvel super hero movies, but sadly, they were visually pretty stale, tonally, pacing and characterly a mess, and not the finale to 22 films I had hoped for.

I give infinity war 8/10 stars

And End game 3/10 stars.

Send me a message if you agree, disagree or just wanna talk about movies (or have any recs for what I should see next) Until then

- Geek out.

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junker-town · 4 years

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Every Marvel Cinematic Universe villain, ranked from forgettable to iconic

Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images for ReedPOP

From Malekith to Loki, we covered them all.

All week, we’re having a little fun and diving into the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). The MCU exists thanks to endless battles between our heroes and the villains that torment them. Some of the villains — hello, Vulture — are fantastic. They’re well-rounded, they have depth, and there seems to be a method to their madness.

Then there are the other villains. Their backgrounds aren’t particularly explained, you’re not entirely sure what they’re doing — looking intently at you, Malekith — and motivations seem weak at best.

As part of our Marvel Week, we took the 26 primary villains from the 23 MCU films and ranked them from 1-to-26. Warning: THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW, so act accordingly. Let’s get to it.

26. Ivan Vanko (Iron Man 2)

Be honest. The only thing you really remember about Ivan Vanko is when he said “I want my bird.”

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25. Aldrich Killian/Maya Hansen (Iron Man 3)

This movie had far too many plots, and therefore far too many villains. There’s one point in the movie where it’s revealed that the Vice President is in on Killian’s plans, and then it’s not mentioned again. Surprise! Maya Hansen is actually bad. Surprise! The Mandarin is an actor! Surprise! The VP is in on it! I need this movie and its collection of villains to do a little less.

24. Zemo (Captain America: Civil War)

Zemo’s motivations are clear — he is driven by his rage and sadness over losing his family in Sokovia — but he’s little more than an accelerant to get the real conflict of the movie going between Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.

23. Emil Blonsky/Abominable (The Incredible Hulk)

The only really nice thing that you can say about The Incredible Hulk is that the fight scene between Abominable and Hulk is pretty cool. Tim Roth is high key the best part of this movie.

22. Kaecilius (Doctor Strange)

Dormammu didn’t have enough screen time for him to be ranked here, but we do get Mads Mikkelsen’s Kaecilius. The fight scenes are awesome, but I spent a lot of time wondering if he was going to start weeping blood.

21. Malekith (Thor: The Dark World)

Malekith? More like Male-kiss-my-ass, amirite? Sorry, trying to delete.

20. Johann Schmidt/Red Skull (Captain America: The First Avenger)

Red Skull is the most cartoon-like villain of the movies, but there’s still something about the first time he rips that Hugo Weaving face off. Also, being a Nazi gets you an automatic top-20 spot. This dude was evil.

19. Ava/Ghost (Ant-Man and the Wasp)

You could make the argument that “The Feds” are actually the villain in Ant-Man and The Wasp, but for our purposes we’re just going to go with Ghost. Ghost is visually a stunning villain as she phases in-and-out while simultaneously kicking serious ass. She’s not higher up on this list because she’s actually ... not a bad person and is instead trying to find a way to end her crippling pain.

18. Yon Rogg (Captain Marvel)

Wow, they really cast the MCU well. Jude Law is the perfect smarmy guy that you think is on your side til you realize that actually he’s a psycho and is trying to kill an entire group of people. Captain Marvel is more about the origin story for Carol Danvers and less about the villains, so not much to write home about with Yon Rogg.

17. Justin Hammer (Iron Man 2)

What a jerk. This guy just stinks. It doesn’t make him much more of a compelling villain, but he’s the perfect insecure guy that isn’t as smart or creative as his competitors. He brings on Ivan Vanko, gets him his bird, and basically lets a murderous mad man easily take over his whole fleet of replica Iron Man robots. His ambition coupled with the “I will literally do whatever to get that government contract” vibes moves him up this list a little.

16. Ultron (Avengers: Age of Ultron)

I might be alone in this, but I found Ultron far too boring to be a super compelling villain. He goes from zero to murderous in a matter of seemingly seconds, and he is really only saved by James Spader delivering a stellar performance with voice work. The movie actually gets better upon rewatch (especially after watching Infinity War and Endgame), but Ultron just doesn’t do it for me villain-wise. His motives felt rushed and under-explained, and there are far too many monologues.

15. Lieutenant General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross (The Incredible Hulk)

Don’t be fooled. Lieutenant General “Thunderbolt” Ross is 100% the villain in The Incredible Hulk. On the annoying-but-not-that-bad end of the spectrum, he’s an overbearing dad trying to interfere with his adult daughter’s dating life. On the other end, he directs soldiers to open fire TWICE in areas infested with civilians. First, they have an open-field battle ON THE CAMPUS OF A COLLEGE. In the third act, when trying to track down Abomination (a creature he helped create, mind you), Ross has a helicopter — with his daughter on board — shoot at what appears to be an apartment building in Harlem. This man would not only NOT be the Secretary of State later (he makes a reappearance in Captain America: Civil War among other films), he would be in prison for war crimes.

And this dude tries to arrest the Captain America side for not signing the Sokovia Accords. This guy sucks.

14. Mandarin (Iron Man 3)

They really could have done so much more with The Mandarin, especially considering they got Sir Ben Kingsley to play the role. Kingsley is really the only thing that saves this performance, going from a cruel, murderous terrorist to gassy, beer swilling fool in a moment.

13. Supreme Intelligence (Captain Marvel)

ANNETTE BENING IN A BOMBER JACKET!!! Bening plays both Dr. Wendy Lawson and the artificial intelligence being that rules the Kree, but it’s her turn as the latter that gives us some pretty intense evil. Let Annette Bening play more sinister characters, imo.

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12. Ronan (Guardians of the Galaxy)

Maybe it’s because I remember Lee Pace as Ned from the quaint 2007 TV drama Pushing Daisies, but I loved this performance of Ronan. He’s shadowy enough that you still get that air of mystery about him, but he’s also just straight-up a mad man.

11. Darren Cross/Yellow Jacket (Ant-Man)

This guy literally goes into the bathroom at work, melts Frank into a small glob of former human, then WIPES HIM UP WITH A TISSUE AND FLUSHES IT DOWN THE TOILET. The biggest of yikes.

10. Obadiah Stane (Iron Man)

Obadiah Stane wanted to run Stark Industries so badly he helped orchestrate a kidnapping of Tony. Some good came from that — namely the creation of Iron Man and all the tech that went with it — but Stane also did some super dastardly stuff. The betrayal of a guy that looked up to you after his father’s death is one thing, but all the war profiteering is just too much.

Oh, and him yelling at and firing William Riva (AKA Ralphie from A Christmas Story) for not being able replicate Stark’s arc reactor leads to Riva joining forces with Quentin Beck in Spider-Man: Far From Home. It’s like a coaching tree of villains.

9. HYDRA/Alexander Pierce/Dr. Zola/Rumlow (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

Those backslashes are doing a lot of heavy lifting here, and honestly this collection (HYDRA) could have been a little bit higher as they have a lot of tentacles (pun intended) in a lot of places. Robert Redford as Alexander Pierce is one of the best castings, and the “elevator scene” is perfection that somehow gets even better in Endgame.

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8. Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

IT WASN’T BUCKY’S FAULT. Cap’s best friend in the whole wide world, Bucky Barnes, was somehow rescued after plummeting from a moving train, frozen, un-frozen, and brainwashed to become a brutal assassin. While Bucky is a hero, Winter Soldier is a war machine (no, not THAT War Machine) that even murdered Tony Stark’s parents. Big yikes.

7. Ego (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2)

The mystery around Peter Quill’s father spanned both Guardians of the Galaxy movies before we got Kurt Russell dramatically riding around on the top of a spaceship as Ego in Vol. 2. It doesn’t take long to realize something is super fishy, and that that something is Ego spreading his seed — literally — on multiple planets in the hopes of creating a part-god child to help him take over the universe. Quill turns out to be that offspring, but he is able to break Ego’s spell when Ego TELLS PETER HE GAVE HIS MOM CANCER. That’s messed up, man.

T5. Quentin Beck/Mysterio (Spider-Man: Far From Home)

T5. Adrian Toomes/Vulture (Spider-Man: Homecoming)

I don’t know what it is, but the solo Spider-Man stories have gotten two of the best single-movie villains so far. Michael Keaton’s Toomes is perfection as the arms dealing, jet-pack wearing Vulture, but the added depth of him being the father of Peter Parker’s crush is fantastic. They manage to establish him as a guy with a somewhat relatable story (he’s just trying to make things work!), and the car scene between Keaton and Tom Holland is one of the best moments of the whole movie (and top-10 in the MCU).

Beck is low-key horrible. Anyone who tricks poor, sweet, grieving Peter Parker is on my shit list automatically, but Jake Gyllenhaal plays it so well. All Peter wants to do is tell MJ he has a crush on her, and he gets duped into fighting battles and handing over Tony Stark’s glasses. If that wasn’t enough, Beck literally shoves him in front of an oncoming train and leads to Spider-Man’s identity being leaked.

He does give us J.K. Simmons’s J. Jonah Jameson back, though. That’s a point in his favor.

4. Killmonger (Black Panther)

It was really difficult to rank these top eight or so villains. All of them have intense back stories or more character development than we got in the early movies of the series. Michael B. Jordan’s portrayal of Eric Killmonger in Black Panther was fantastic, and delivered some of the most meme-able moments of a villain (IS THIS YOUR KING?!).

While the rage and hurt felt by Killmonger over his father’s death is understandable, his actions as the movie’s antagonist are brutal.

This scene is so powerful:

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3. Hela (Thor: Ragnarok)

The long-lost sister of Thor has some serious family issues. She’s absolutely ruthless, crushes Mjolnir (and therefore Thor’s spirits for a bit), and has an admittedly very cool wolf pet. Cate Blanchett knocks it out of the park with her portrayal. Hela is horrible and evil and also kind of badass, which shoots her up these rankings.

2. Loki (Thor/The Avengers)

Ah, the anti-hero. Loki is a pretty terrible dude most of the time, but he has his moments of actually doing the right thing. He’s petty, jealous, and the most untrustworthy person in the MCU. In Thor, he tries to kill his brother several times. In The Avengers, there’s the whole opening a portal in the sky to let the Chitauri in to kill a bunch of people and destroy half of New York thing. Oh, and don’t forget about when he faked his death, pretended to be Odin, and was content to hang out on Sakkar with the Grandmaster without helping Thor escape the gladiator-esque games.

1. Thanos (Avengers: Infinity War/Endgame)

We get glimpses of Thanos’s lilac tinge in a handful of the MCU movies, but he’s clearly the pièce de résistance of the culmination of Phase Three with Infinity War and Endgame. Josh Brolin plays the genocidal maniac perfectly, even leaving some viewers after Infinity War saying, “you know, Thanos might have a point about how we’re destroying the planet.” He’s willing to kill billions of people on countless planets to get a little peace and quiet, and is the reason we lose a lot of characters we really care about.

Thanos gets the benefit of a multi-movie arc to explain the full extent of his cruelty, ambition, and willingness to do anything (including kill his own daughter) to achieve his goals.

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siochan-leat · 6 years

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Thor: Ragnarok Review

Now that my brain is properly working again, I think I’m able to construct my review of the film. On a whole, my spoiler-free review is that this is probably the best film Marvel has done. And they took some risks with it - a different kind of director (cos, let’s face it, Taika Waititi is about as different as they come), different sets designs and concept, and the atmosphere of the film was lighter and definitely more comedic than an action film typically is. Which was said when “The Avengers” came out - ‘we didn’t expect it to be so funny!!’ Well...this time we’re dealing with the end of a planet and the extinction of a people….it’s tough to make THAT hilarious.

The best way I can review this film properly is to talk about the characters themselves instead of me nattering on.

Oh and tagging @lokiperfection and @quoting-shakespeare-to-ducks cos they might be the only ones who read this, LOL

So, be warned here be spoilers ahead…

Thor: Thank you Taika, for finally giving us the Thor film we’ve been waiting for! He was absolutely brilliant is this film - outrageously humorous from the very first scenes, still chucking around Mjolnir like nobody’s business ( that is, until...well he doesn’t have it anymore), ready to fight anyone or thing that messes with him or his friends, and still VERY MUCH the pig headed hothead he’s always been. But...there was something more endearing about this incarnation of Thor. We can tell he’s…changed. Maybe it was all that running around the cosmos trying to find himself that made the difference? It’s hard to tell. But once his hammer is broken, I think he finally realizes that must rely on something else for once - he must find his other strength(s) and find his true power. Odin quite rightly says to him in his Big Moment of Weakness, “Are you The God of Hammers?” No, Thor is the God of THUNDER, so he has no choice but to find that power and tap into it if he and those who join him have ANY chance of defeating Hela. He also realizes WHEN he needs to ask for help comes into play here too (scene with Heimdall and Odin in particular).

He’s also the Imperfect Hero here - flawed, uncertain, clumsy and yeah, things can be badly timed. Just cos you’re “Asgard’s Golden Boy” doesn’t mean you can’t make mistakes.

And I now want to refer to him from now on as “Sparkles.”

The scenes with The Hulk and his brother, Loki I found especially endearing and wonderful, but more about that later.

Loki: As a devoted Loki Fangirl, I was expecting much of this character and THANK THE GODS, Taika and Tom did NOT let us down. We also finally got the Loki we’ve been waiting for since Tom donned the helmet back in 2011. Here, Loki is at his very best - chaotic, snarky,mischievous, deadpan gut-bustingly funny, the full-tilt diva, but also the insecure, hurt, wounded soul. I remember as many of you will, Tom speaking about Loki and saying, “The opposite of love isn't hate; it’s indifference.” And that is so so very clear in this film it’s just remarkable. I think the very real possibility that Thor is now indifferent to his brother really REALLY bothers Loki and the scene that PERFECTLY CAPTURES THIS is where Loki projects himself into the dungeon room on Sakaar to plead with his brother….and Thor just sits there, tossing rocks at him, with no expression on his face. Loki finally, after getting no reaction, says “ would you say something? SAY SOMETHING!” And Thor’s response is so perfect!!! ‘You did all this bad shit and you’re gonna keep doing more and more of it, so…?”

Even more so when Loki betrays Thor for the umpteenth time after “Get Help” and what Loki doesn’t see coming is that Thor knew it was gonna happen. So he has a chat with Loki whilst being on floor with the shock collar thingy, cos maybe that’s the only way he will actually LISTEN, and says to him (i’m paraphrasing here), “we just keep going around and around like this….when will you get it, that in order to grow you must change?? You are (just) the God of Mischief….but (when?) you could be MORE…”

I have more to say about him in “Scenes I Loved”. Cos he was in a LOT of them. Ehehehe

Odin: So...the AllFather is in exile and he’s got some big explaining to do. I know every family has secrets they’d rather keep tucked away somewhere, and yeah maybe he was trying to protect his loved ones and the whole of Asgard from the Royal Family’s dirty laundry, but WOW. You didn’t think your people deserved to know that The Goddess of Death was gonna come for everyone once i’m dead, and oh by the way she’s Thor’s sister and my first born and we kinda destroyed whole civilizations together.

I’m sorry…...WHAT?!?!

Back the Family Tree up here!!!

But Odin knows he fucked up. BIG time. And his sons and Asgard’s people are unfortunately gonna pay the price for it. Unless, his sons come together (haha) & do something about it and end up saving them. Cos they’re Thor and Loki’s people now to save.

Hela: Ooooooh, yesssss. HELA YES. Bless you Cate Blanchett, for doing this role cos NO ONE could’ve done this better. She was magnificent as only Cate could make her - that narrowing of her eyes, THAT STRUT OF MURDEROUS INTENT, that sly snark to her voice and, i’m sorry, but if her and Loki are not blood related, I’m calling BULLSHIT.You couldn’t ignore the parallels between Hela and Loki if you TRIED, cos there were just SO MANY of them!!! There’s one scene towards the end of the film where Thor is on the throne and Hela is before him explaining something and the camera goes to a wide shot behind Thor and for a moment, in that wide shot, if i didn't know it was Hela standing there, I could’ve SWORN it was LOKI.

Perhaps that’s why Odin was so hard on Loki for so long? Because he had seen and experienced first hand what powerful greed and destructive ambition actually results in??? That’s my guess anyways.

Heimdall: Really, the TRUE saviour of Asgard. It made me a bit uncomfy to think that Heimdall was and is considered an enemy of the Crown, even after Odin’s exile and Loki’s takeover. But Heimdall is this film had a singular purpose and we knew that he could see Hela coming for Asgard so his sole purpose was to save as many Asgardians as he could and stash them up in the mountains (Mines of Moria, anyone? *snickers*) until he could make for the Bifrost to get them off the planet. Idris Elba, as always, was superior.

The Grandmaster: In my humble opinion, Jeff Goldblum’s greatest role and performance since Jurassic Park. He was the Jeff Goldblum-iest Jeff Goldblum EVER.

The Hulk: I thought, like most of us, that Mark Ruffalo was the best thing to ever happen to Bruce Banner/Hulk and i still DO, even more so now because of this movie. Hulk here is a different Hulk; he’s still a hothead and very temper driven, but he’s revered on Sakkar as a Gladiatorial Champion and he really seems to love the attention and all the “winning”. I’m glad he has more lines in this movie and we get to see a bit more of his personality, and not just Banner’s. I really like his man-child way of speaking, it really gives him a very likable “gentle giant” quality, well...gentle when he WANTS to be. When he said “Please?” I think i felt my heart turn to goo.

Valkyrie: UHH YAAAAAS QUEEN!!! I love love love LOVED this character OMGGG. There’s not much to not like about her ( well….maybe the whole “traitor to Asgard” that Thor accuses her of being…?) She gives absolutely ZEROS FUCKS, she drinks like a fish, kicks fucking ass and takes names, also has a Strut of Murderous Intent, and looks FLAWLESS. I think she and the Ravagers would get along VERY WELL. But, once Loki gets into her head and Thor kinda tells her not to run from her problems anymore, I like that she does a bit of an “about-face” and realizes that Asgard…..is still home for her and is in real trouble, no matter how much she tries to deny or forget her past. But she will help and join in on her terms.

And um, the whole ship jumping scene?!?!?! ASDFGHJKLKL!!!

Korg: Easily my fave new character of the MCU (sorry Groot). Every single scene he was in had me busting a gut laughing and he’s just so….CUTE!!! And, can we also appreciate that the director of this film was able to be an integral character in it too?!? Like….how often does that happen?? Almost never!

And thank you, Taika for making me fall in love with an animate pile of rocks. I haven’t been so smitten since Rockbiter and Rockbiter Jr. in the Neverending Story Films.

Skurge: I really liked Karl Urban in this role, but the character itself was kind blah for me. He agrees to be Hela’s executioner so he can “ have a chance to prove myself”, but every time Hela does something, he has second thoughts. In every scene he has a double take of “should i really be doing this??” It kinda felt after a while like, did he not get she’s the Goddess of Death? What did he think she was gonna do? Kill people with candy floss? It’s like it took him the entire movie to get up enough courage to back out of the deal and go against Hela, which he’s promptly killed for.

Surtur: I didn’t know anything about this character going into the film, so all I can say was that he seemed to be a bit of an egomaniac fire demon at the start of the film (all that monologuing…..yeeesh!) but once he was reborn and grew big and scary, I was more convinced and freaked out. Him shoving his flaming sword into the heart of Asgard and making in go BOOM was very VERY COOL.

Scenes / Things I Loved

- The Tragedy of Loki whole play scene. Great cameos by Liam Hemsworth, Matt Damon and Sam Neill. And Loki turning and saying to Skurge, “ you had ONE. JOB.” LMAO

- Thor and Loki in Midgard. THE BLACK SUIT OF SEX.

- The whole Dr. Strange scene.

- Thor and Loki seeing Odin for the last time (not counting Thor’s visions) in Norway. I think this scene was more...emotional for Loki than Thor cos I don’t think Loki knew how Odin was going to react to him being there. But once Odin turns to him and tells him “...took me quite a while to break free from your spell...Frigga would’ve been proud…” , I think all was forgiven in that moment. And to solidify this, Odin says that he loves “his sons”, and that he’s failed them both. I spent most of this scene focusing on Loki’s face and it was hard to watch Tom’s face as Odin’s spirit “left”. It was just….heartbreaking.

- Thor in the wheelchair in the tunnel before meeting the Grandmaster. The “Willy Wonka” music made me laugh SO HARD!

- The Grandmaster.

- Thor finding Loki alive and Loki’s reaction to Thor being alive. And oh god that whole “Shhhhhh! SHHH!” thing Tom did??? ASDFGJLAKSDASJHHASFKJAHS

- The dungeon scene between Loki’s projection and Thor

- STAN LEE’S CAMEO. THE BEST EVER.

- Korg. All of Korg, all the frickin TIME.

- Thor finding/unleashing his Thunder & Lightning powers while Hulk is beating him up. The flashes to Odin were an awesome touch

- Thor Shirtless for almost 2 minutes. HHHNNNNGG. Another Very Important Plot Point. And thank youuuuu Taika for circling the camera around and around DAT BOD. O_O

- Pretty much all the stuff with Thor and Hulk in Hulk’s apartment. Especially the sit-down chat on the bed where Hulk gets Haiku poetic.

- Thor asking Heimdall to help him to “See”.

- FENRIR.

- Loki and Valkyrie’s scene. I love that she calls him “Lucky” *snicker snicker*

The elevator scene and “get help”

- Valkyrie and Thor jumping on and off various ships in MID AIR. O_O

- The scene with Thor and Odin in Thor’s Moment of Weakness.

- Thor kicking ass on the Bifrost at his full power. AWW YEAAAAH!!

- Loki’s arrival back in Asgard. And the helmet flip. And him fighting. And….and….ALL OF IT.

- “We’re gonna need a ship with cupholders, cos we’re gonna die, so DRINKS!!!”

- “Darling...you have no idea what’s possible”

- “It varies from moment to moment.” ( not so much the line but HOW he SAID IT! GUHHH!!!)

- “It's a bold move, brother. Even for me”.

- The final scene between Hela and Surtur. 3D was MADE for that scene alone.

Things I Didn’t Love

- Thor immediately blaming Loki for Odin’s death. I think it was unfair of him to jump to that conclusion. Yes, he was in exile, yes Loki may have put him there, but how was Loki to know that Odin was coming to the end of his life? Maybe Odin didn’t want his sons to know that he was dying so he covered it up much like he did everything else.

- The way Hulk turned back into Banner. I found it very hard to buy Bruce and Natasha’s love story in Ultron, and we have to deal with it yet again in this film. I found it equally hard to swallow that Banner was trapped in Hulk for 2 YEARS and the moment he sees and hears Natasha, that THAT is what changes him back??!?!? I don’t buy it.

- The Loki shock collar scene. I can understand why Thor did it, but i think there must've been a better way to reason with his brother, even if he attempted to betray him yet again. I don’t agree that Thor simply left Loki there to suffer for hours and hours. If you recall every other time Thor was shocked with the collar it DID shut off after a while. We have no real way of knowing how long he was on the floor before he was found by Korg and his crew.

- How mangey Fenrir looked. I know, i know, he’s been dead for a while, i just thought when he was reborn, he’d look a little less dead.

- Some of Hela’s monologuing. And most of Surtur’s.

Things I have theories about. Or the Internet does

- How Loki made it onto the ship that made it out of Asgard. He goes from releasing Surtur on Asgard in Asgard’s basement to being on the ship….but we never see him actually board the ship. My theory is that he was either able to project himself onto the ship once it began to leave and his real form followed soon afterwards OR the Loki we saw in Asgard’s basement WAS the projection and his magic was strong enough to release Surtur from afar.

- Whose ship was that that appeared in the extra end scene? Internet theories seem to think it’s Thanos’ ship, which makes sense since Loki did kinda cheat him out of the Tesseract. But if that’s what Thanos is after and Asgard is no longer…..perhaps Loki was able to take it with him before releasing Surtur?

If you made it ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE.....YAAAAAY YOU GET A COOKIE AND A HUG!!!

#thor ragnarok #review #my opinions #lokiperfection #quoting-shakespeare-to-ducks #marvel

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radioleary-blog · 5 years

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Long Names and Outsourcing Superheroes

It’s not easy writing political comedy.

One factor is the impermanence of a political joke. Even a great political joke has an expiration date, and political narratives change fast these days. Your average political joke has a shorter shelf-life than a pint of half & half that you left in the car. “Honey...when did I write this joke about Trump getting golden showers from Russian prostitutes? Is it still any good or should I throw it away?”

“How does it smell?” she replies from the living room.

“Whew! Pretty funky...I think it’s turned. Dammit! That was a good one.”

“So write a new one,” she says dully, without looking away from whatever TV program has unattractive British servants enduring wretched lives of 19th century drudgery. Which accounts for about half of all PBS programs. Or should I say “programmes.” They’re so depressing. They ought to call it “Downer Abbey.” Or “Upstairs, Downstairs, Blank Stares.” Seriously, man, how much does the BBC pine for the days when the lower classes knew their place? Is that really an era to romanticize, even if they do call it The Romantic era? And who the hell could enjoy watching shows about the help being treated badly? As for me, if I watch even ten minutes of a show with berated butlers and yelled-at scullery maids, I start to get angry. Every time I see some mutton-chopped, inbred Lord of the Manor lining up his staff to lecture and threaten them for poorly-polished silver, or for becoming ‘too familiar’, or for having any normal human desires whatsoever, I have the normal human desire to make him ‘too familiar’ with my fist in his mutton-chop face. Just once, I’d like to see one of the servants he’s giving a good “dressing-down” to turn around and give this privileged twit a good old working-class “beating-down.” I’d like to see the First Footman, or the Second Footman, or some Footman put that foot right up his aristocratic ass.

I was trying to think up some funny-sounding British aristocratic names as examples of noble pomposity, but it turns out they have this new thing called “the google,” so I just looked up some real names instead. These are just a few of the actual descendants of William the Conqueror, who, being British, conquered everything but brushing and flossing:

Flora Paulyna Hetty Barbara Abney-Hastings. That sounds like somebody who never had to fill out their name on a lot of forms. Good luck fitting that on a job application. But of course, nobody with a name that long and dreadfully upper-class ever had to look for work. The longer your name, the easier your life. Hey, I just realized that. I might actually be onto something. Who do you think works harder - a person named Prince Stuart Johann Knud Bernhard Felix Maria René Joseph de Bourbon-Parma (real name), or a guy named Stu Parma? If you’re having trouble figuring that one out, the title Prince is a big clue. The only Prince who ever broke a sweat died last year in Minnesota, and judging by his opioid addiction, it was probably a cold sweat. Stu Parma sounds like an ex-Checker Cab driver from Queens, whereas Prince longname there sounds like an exchequer for the Queen. Big difference between those jobs, and probably all because of the length of their names. Great, just what men need, one more length to feel inadequate about. The only people who work harder than guys named Stu and Kip and Sam are guys with even shorter names like Bo and Al and Ed.

Same thing probably holds true for women, I bet Vikki works a longer shift for less pay than Victoria does. And I bet Kat does things for money that Katerina never would. I’m not thinking sex-worker, necessarily, but if she did it would be all her idea. No, I was picturing Kat doing something more along the lines of a cage-match fighter, or rodeo girl, or tattoo artist. She could set up her own new-school tattoo shop and call it “KATTOOS.” And she’s more likely to be a fun person to party with, too. Kat is a bad-ass who keeps it real, and Katerina will not go down on you even on your anniversary. The longer the name, the less fun and the more stuck up you are. Here’s another real name, and I bet she isn’t bringing any beer or weed to your party: Countess Antonia Charlotte Jeanette Marie af Holstein-Ledreborg. Wow, really? Can we just call you c*ntess for short?

And with the titles and peerage to boot, these names really start to get re-goddam-diculous. Check this guy out, this is a real title: His Royal Highness the Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Royal Knight Companion of the most noble order of the Garter, Royal Knight Companion of the most ancient and most noble order of the Thistle, Knight Grand Cross of the most honourable order of the Bath, member of the order of Merit, Knight of the order of Australia, companion of the Queen’s service order, member of Her Majesty’s Most Honourable Privy Councillors, Aide de Camp to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. WTF? That’s not a title, that’s the whole book! And the sequel! Keep in mind this is just a really fancy way of saying this guy is banging the Queen. This title is so long that when you start saying it you have 13 colonies in the Americas, and when you’re done saying it Cornwallis is surrendering at Yorktown.

But that’s the trouble with those british TV servants, they never fought back against the system like we did here in the colonies. That’s why their rigid class-structure hierarchy remained in place for so long, and they’re still sentimental for it in these godawful butler dramas. They never really had a lot of rebels in England, not for very long anyway, they either came here and started killing Indians, or they got arrested and shipped off to Australia to get eaten by sharks. Even today, British culture doesn’t celebrate the rebel like we do in America. The British never had a ‘Cool Hand Luke,’ more like ‘Keep Calm and Carry On Luke.’ The Brad Pitt ‘Fight Club’ character Tyler Durden sounds like it could be a proper English name, but if there was a ‘Fight Club’ in England, the first rule of Fight Club would be No Fighting.

And hey, did you ever hear Brad Pitt try to do a british accent? Yikes. He has all the range of a veal calf. He sounded worse than Bob Dylan trying to speak Chinese. But strangely, British actors have no problem at all doing American accents. Why is that? In fact, they have taken over a lot of our favorite tv and movie characters. On ‘The Walking Dead’, Rick Grimes, Maggie, Morgan, the Governor, and Jesus are all British. There are so many Brits on the show they should rename it ‘The Ambulatory Deceased’.

And the list includes some of our most beloved Superheroes. Henry Cavill, Christian Bale, Andrew Garfield are English, that’s Superman, Batman and Spider-Man. And even the new Spider-Man, Tom Holland is British. Both Jeremy Irons and Michael Caine were Alfred, which begs the question ‘What’s it all about, Alfred?’ (Ah, you’re too young to get that reference). Two actors have played Professor Xavier and they are both English, so are both actors who played Magneto. Fellow X-Men The Beast, Nightcrawler and Jean Grey, and Avengers Quicksilver and The Vision are British. So are the actors who played Doctor Strange, Daredevil, Commissioner Gordon, The Thing, Mister Fantastic, Odin, Ozymandias as well as super-villains Dr. Octopus, Sinestro, Killer Croc, Col. Stryker, Juggernaut, Toad, Azazel, The Lizard, and Loki. All English. Add to that Ryan Reynold’s Green Lantern is Canadian, while Eric Bana’s Hulk, Chris Hemsworth’s Thor and Hugh Jackman’s The Wolverine are Australian. An Australian Hulk? I understand they let Mel Gibson audition to play Hulk. But the Hulk is a rampaging rage monster who smashes everything in sight, and they felt Mel Gibson was just too angry for the role. Plus the Hulk isn’t anti-Semitic. I’m beginning to wonder if we have any American superheroes left, except for the Captain with America right in his name. If Donald Trump is going to bring back jobs to America, can he please start with our superheroes?

But I digress. I don’t remember what my point was, but I’m pretty sure I had one. Oh yeah, British servant shows. Why do women love these Victorian period pieces so much? They’re usually intelligent and independent women, too, yet these butler-laden bodice rippers get them steamier than an Icelandic orgy.

No, wait, I remember my point now: it’s not easy writing political comedy. Reason two, you get distracted. As I just demonstrated with the last ten paragraphs. I was saying the life of a political joke is short, and getting shorter. There was a time before the 24-hour news cycle when a political scandal stuck around for a long time. Watergate hung around for years and years, like an Irish houseguest. Comics in the 1970’s could take months to work out Watergate bits, and if they were solid, you could tell those jokes for half a decade. Fashions and music trends would change before your Watergate jokes got old. The first time you tell your Watergate joke on stage, you’re wearing bell-bottom jeans and a tie-dye T-shirt, and years later you’re telling it on stage wearing a white Disco suit. And it’s the same old joke about E. Howard Hunt, or H.R. Haldeman, or R.L. Stine, or George R.R. Martin, or whoever the hell was involved in the break-in. And actually, it kind of was a Game of Thrones, except instead of a dragon Queen who could walk through fire, you had G. Gordon Liddy who liked to hold a torch to his hand to show how tough he was. If you don’t know who he is, that’s okay, just picture Negan, but high on cocaine and patriotism.

People had better things to do in the 1970’s than obsess on scandals, and the only way to follow it was in newspapers and on the evening news. Which, if you were not home while the evening news was on, tough luck, there was no recording it. And 1970’s people were definitely out, and doing much cooler things than watching the evening news. Like driving around in a Pontiac Firebird and smoking a joint, or going to a Pink Floyd concert and smoking a joint, or throwing a key-party orgy and smoking a joint, or just smoking a joint and smoking a joint. You could do a lot of fun things in the 1970’s, as long as you had a joint. Those were the rules. Even if you got pulled over by the police, you better have a joint on you, the cops will ask you, “Licence..registration...proof of joint…”

So political scandals unfolded at a leisurely pace. Which is not to say people were not involved in politics, maybe it was the draft, or maybe it was the joint, but they were very involved. They were the only generation that ended an unpopular war through protest, and threw a corrupt President out of office. I think it was the weed, because after that, the police stopped making sure you had a joint.

But things are different in the Trump era. If you can call a presidency that only lasts until he quits this summer an “era”. More like the Trump “error”. Trump has a new scandal every day, every fourteen hours to be precise, so by the time you write a good joke, it’s over. It’s old news, and on to the next scandal. Tiny hands, Meryl Streep, grab ‘em by the pussy, Betsy DeVos, Michael Flynn, and now wiretap, the scandals are coming too fast. - That’s what she said! The jokes are obsolete by the time the pen leaves the paper, because by the time you read this, the whole wiretap scandal will be over and he’ll be on to the next inexcusable act. And that will only be like, two days from now.

I realize now that when I write about politics, I’m like one of those monks who make paintings out of different colored grains of sand. It takes them forever to do it, and the minute they’re done, they erase it. And they move on to the next one.

And I’ve never had more fun.

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