#of grief and depression particularly in the final few episodes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

septembersghost · 2 years

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Hi! Sorry for bringing this up and I hope it's not triggering, I just keep thinking about these words you said: "{…}which has made my only recourse a wide chasm of separation, and that's a loss in its own sense. sometimes i think it's a relief to not allow it to take up as much space in my heart and mind, and other times i feel a stinging anger and deep, persistent grief that it had to come to that point. it's VERY hard to separate from something you love and are invested in that has also become a source of pain". The first time I read them, it made me cry. I sooo know the feeling. A small story again (and sorry for it being too personal), five years ago, when I was struggling with a particularly bad depression episode, Dean was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've done something very stupid, something… irreversible, but he saved me, single-handedly pulled me from the brink. He used to be my comfort ever since. Spn used to be my comfort. Seasons 13, 14, 15 especially and the finale brought that full-on depression and mental breakdowns back. It sucks and hurts that, as an act of self care and healing, we had to cut ties with the show. And that means, by a certain extent, to detach from Dean too :(( He's not part of the show for me or the part of the narrative, nor has he ever been, but even so, there is a level of distance and the connection I felt before is essentially lost now and things don't quite work the same way. I still love him, he is still my dearest boy, I still have his framed self-made portrait (which I drag with me wherever I go), but it's not what it used to be. There's a kind of detachment to it. I tried to rewatch spn a few months back, but I can't. And I wish I could say that it just was too painful and that's why, but no, what hurts even more is that I couldn't, didn't want to care or be invested anymore. I used to care so much. And now it's just… this hollow emptiness, this indifference. It's like what Mike in BCS said, one moment you're gonna wake up, you're gonna brush your teeth, go to work, and then you'll realize you haven't thought about it at all. One evening last year I realized that I haven't thought about spn for a long, long time. Then I burst into tears because it felt like saying goodbye, really saying goodbye this time, and it hurt, and I didn't want that, but I don't know what else could I have done rather then complete separation. There's a line from a song that stuck with me forever. "I'm writing a book on how to stay conscious when you drown {…}/ I'm writing a chapter on what to do after they dig you up/ On what to do after you grew to hate what you used to love". It's SO indicative of my (former) "relationship" with spn (the whole song is, given that it's unironically called How Not to Drown), and your words reminded me of that . It's just… I understand you and I love you ♥ You're the only person I can safely talk to about those things. I wish I could give you a hug right now :(

never be sorry, darling, and i hope you don't mind me posting this. i have a lot of emotional posts and very personal stories linked to this, so you've come to the right place and are definitely not alone.

Dean was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've done something very stupid, something… irreversible, but he saved me, single-handedly pulled me from the brink. <- anyone who's been here since the end of 2020 and well into 2021 is probably tired of me discussing this, but...same. dean was with me from the very onset of my illness, and through some very dark times and terrible moments, real traumas and losses and grief. he was one of my closest constants and a talisman of bravery and strength for those fifteen years, and i can pinpoint some specifically difficult moments where he helped me hold on, or gave me a reason to remember i had to. i've discussed this endlessly with other mutuals too, who felt similarly and turned to spn for comfort - it is not, at its core, a comforting story, it's in fact quite often the opposite, something that unearths fears and directly examines wounds, but a lot of us found a home there anyway, even if it was a haunted one. and we found resilience and courage and an unfailingly loving heart. it's not a secret i despise d*bb era overall, but i could never give the show up, because of him. it's also not a secret (considering it's...why this blog exists...) that the finale drove me to some measure of an emotional breakdown which took me quite a while to even begin to recover from, and felt like such a profound loss that it had not only a detrimental mental effect, but a physical one too, in that it actually affected my illness issues for a bit. the fracture i experienced in november 2020 is only comparable to real grief and heartbreak i've experienced, my mom watched me weep that night and has told me how terrible it was for *her*. i've been over and over it in posts, i've been over and over it with friends, but the ache never actually goes away. once that full year had passed, i got the point where i had no choice but to bury it, in a way. to separate from it in order to protect myself. there certainly IS a level of healing and self-care in that, and i KNOW it's healthier than obsessing and crying about it, i know it's better to put it aside, but that in itself has been a hard choice, because it feels a little like letting him down in letting it go.

that means, by a certain extent, to detach from Dean too :(( He's not part of the show for me or the part of the narrative, nor has he ever been, but even so, there is a level of distance and the connection I felt before is essentially lost now and things don't quite work the same way. I still love him, he is still my dearest boy - honestly, did you extract this directly from my brain? it feels like i could've written it, and there definitely is a transcendence he has apart from the narrative, it was one of the first things i tried to assert and cling to, and no one has the place he has to me in that chamber of my heart, but ultimately the detachment still came. i've had people say that's letting d*bb win or giving the ending too much credit, and i did try to defy that for a while, but ultimately that was more damaging. as it stands now, i can't rewatch either - traditionally, i ALWAYS watch the pilot on my birthday, since it's also the show's anniversary. year after year, that was a part of my day, even last year. i planned to do it this year too, and when it came down to it, i just couldn't press play. last year, when i was still rewatching (i got to 11x01 and then...the comment we talked about before happened and it halted me so abruptly and dreadfully in my tracks, and like, fractured something in my head, and i never restarted it), there was an acute and constant pain in it, but it felt essential to keep. after releasing that somewhat, it was chased by those hollows and shadows instead. what hurts even more is that I couldn't, didn't want to care or be invested anymore. I used to care so much. And now it's just… this hollow emptiness, this indifference. this, so much. the indifference is...it isn't necessarily worse than being angered or agonized, but it's still terrible and unsettling. it's a lack of something. love and grief are intertwined, but what do you call it when you only have a rattling emptiness?

it's serendipitous you would send this today, because on the song topic, i was looking for something else altogether on my old-old blog, my very first blog here, and exactly ten years ago, on september 27, 2012, i rewrote the lyrics from "begin again" to be about him. it sounds silly now, red wasn't even out yet, the song was released as a promo single, and it was so beautiful and cathartic, and somehow i connected it to him, and his meaning, and to hopes that i had. being reminded of that today probably should've been more shattering, but instead it just felt...distant and memorialized. thinkin' all love ever does is break, and burn, and end...like the emotions encased themselves in amber. at some point, it became it's time to go - fifteen years, fifteen million tears...that old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in my soul. sometimes it still does creep up on me and knock me back, but more often there's a terrible numbness to it. it felt like saying goodbye, really saying goodbye this time, and it hurt, and I didn't want that, but I don't know what else could I have done rather then complete separation. yeah. the separation is protective, but it's still a real sorrow and a loss. i'm trying to believe someday it will shift, and something warmer and brighter in it will come back to me, but even if it doesn't, i know all the words that i wrote and love that i expressed was true and still has worth and still resides in me, even if i have to keep it differently.

there are reminders of him around me - the journal on my desk, his little plush, etc - and that's meaningful, i'm glad i have them, and i keep him and the valuable parts of the show embedded here on my blog to prevent losing that altogether, but it's like there's a mourning veil around it.

thank you for sharing and feeling safe enough to tell me this, i understand more than i can say and i love you too. i'm hugging you so tightly from afar. 🖤🖤🖤

#snowstormserenade #letterbox #every time i write about this now it feels like a eulogy and an exorcism #dean feelings #bubble wrap around my heart #spn for ts

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gwendeeagain · 3 years

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How I wrote the Demon fic

Don't draw devil's traps in janitors' closets is one of my longest fic series I’ve ever written, the most notable of which would be my Demon Gakushuu fic, if you’ve seen it.

In partial response to an ask post (link here), I’ve decided to revisit my writing of this fic series! It was quite a long journey for me and I think it might be fun (?) sharing it with everyone. It’s rather long, so I’ll tag it under “keep reading”.

FYI this thread contains major spoilers for the fic (and would honestly make no sense if you do not have prior knowledge of it).

I'll just refer to the first fic in the series as Books because it has an insanely long title. Subsequent fics are in order Burgundy, Potential, Illuminate, Illuminate rewrite, and Addendum. The main series is linked here.

Addendum is not linked in the main series for reasons I'll explain below. (link here)

Books

I think one of my biggest mistakes writing Books is my lack of plot planning, and subsequently how thematically inconsistent it became. I start off most my fics with a rough idea of how I want the story to end, and a few good themes to carry me through the plot as I write, but for Books I started off with the first chapter and nothing else. If you followed the notes of my fic you'd probably have witnessed my gradual descent into uncertainty and despair as the fic spiralled out of my control due to how wrong I felt it was becoming.

The fic took a surprisingly hard toll on me. I absolutely hated it. I refused to mark it as complete because I was dissatisfied with how it ended. I thought that everyone was out of character, that I lost the original ending and goal in my head, that it was thematically messy such that I couldn't justify any ending I tried to come up with, and I was just grasping at straws trying to make it work.

The three things that bothered me were Gakushuu’s wings, Koro-Sensei and the introduction of Aina. When I started this fic I had plans to kill off Koro-Sensei at the end, however as the fic went on it became a celebration of life and learning how to live, and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have any death in this fic... but at the same time I had Gakushuu find a lot of meaning in Koro-Sensei’s (to-be) death and I didn’t want to undo that. The wings were on a similar note, because Gakushuu spend 50k words finding out who he is and accepting that he was different. Turning that message around and making him go back to being “the same” ate me up inside, but at the same time I set-up the Demon Society in such a way that they would kill Gakushuu if he didn’t have his wings, and it’s supposed to be a happy ending, dammit! Aina was a particularly egregious case because I threw her (and Ikeda) in without any prior warning at the very last minute. I already had a whole world and setting planned for them which I never got to expand on in the previous chapters because I was so anxious about the other two points, and when it came down to the last chapter I realized I had no set-up for these two, who were supposed to be major players in the finale. Basically I was bad at writing.

Even now I cannot fully articulate why it was terrible for me, but compounded with my real-life stressors, I suppose it just became a bit too much to deal with. (This is a piece of fiction that I am creating from scratch. If I can't even get this under control, what hope do I have for everything else?)

((For come disclosure I was never formally diagnosed with any mental illness, but my parents are the sort of people who don’t believe mental illness exists anyways. I would say that I’ve had depressive episodes when I was younger and sometimes even now, but I’ve learnt my ways of dealing with them!))

Burgundy

Four days later I published Burgundy, a short sequel to Books, very shortly after only because I had already finished writing by that time. I actually do still have several half-finished follow ups at that point, but I couldn't bring myself to complete any sequels because I couldn't even come to terms with the ending of the main story. (Those wips are lost to me now.) I think I was hoping that forcing myself to publish the sequel would show me that it was "no big deal" that the main fic didn't end the way I hoped it would, but it succeeded in making me feel worse.

Potential

About one month after that I wrote Potential. It was a three parter, somehow a fifth of the length of the main fic, that followed Gakuhou's perspective prior to the events of Books. It was a prequel which imo made it easier to write, because I still couldn't move on from Books yet. I think writing Potential was me trying to remind myself why I wrote Books in the first place, to perhaps reignite my original passion for the series. It's kind of funny to think about in hindsight, and a little meta, because Potential was a lead up to the events in Books. It worked... a little bit, I think. I still couldn't reconcile my feelings for the whole thing, but through it I got to revisit the original premise that I fell in love with and expand more on worldbuilding it. I could reprise Aina and Ikeda and finally write about the world I planned to introduce them in in the first fic and give more context and insights to how the demon society was supposed to work.

Illuminate

Six months after Potential, I ran into a comment that said, "what would Gakuhou have done if Gakushuu had died?" And for some reason it struck an epiphany in me. After that I wrote Illuminate in one night, cried myself to sleep, waited one more night to proofread it, and then published it. Illuminate was an AU to the first three fics in the series, and it was a fic about grief and mourning. Spoiler alert: I straight up killed Gakushuu in that fic. And somehow that was what I needed.

I quite literally killed my first fic - I upended the terrible ending I hated from Books - everything I had been uncertain about at first? I killed it. Plot points didn't fit my original plans? Killed it. (When I reread the death scene, I... honestly think I was unnecessarily cruel. I must have really been out of my mind when I wrote it, hah!)

And then I wrote myself a love story about missing it, grieving it, and finally letting go of it. It was heart wrenching for me - I made Gakuhou cry about what he lost, what could have been, what he realized he loved, and at the end of it all he could say "I love you and I can move on from you." And I did!

Illuminate (Rewrite)

Illuminate Rewrite, one year later, was me revisiting Illuminate to reflect on myself where I've come with this series. I actually just swapped the places of two paragraphs to change the mood at the end for something more contemplative. I elaborated a bit more on this in my notes for Rewrite, so I won't repeat them here.

Honestly, I still have a hard time coming back to reread Illuminate even after the whole debacle has happened. I attached a lot of emotions through my journey with this, and revisiting it each time takes quite a bit out of me.

Addendum

Addendum was just me having fun! After Illuminate, I managed to reconcile my feelings with the fic series. I was finally able to mark Books as complete and move on from it, and afterwards I wrote a fun little au sequel to Illuminate so that Gakushuu can live again. I could creatively expand on ideas and just do... whatever! It's more of a loose connection of plot points than a real fic, honestly.

Addendum follows Gakushuu in a future hundreds of years later, after every human who he's once known in Books has died. And... he moves on! Gets a job, makes friends, lives his life, and most importantly move on.

I chose to publish in a separate collection, however, because it was an incomplete story and I didn’t want to have a half-complete fic tacked on to what I have settled in my heart as a complete fic collection.

And that’s about it! <3

#karushuu #gakushuu asano #gwentriestothink

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thetravelerwrites · 3 years

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Roji (Fae) SFW

Rating: Teen Relationship: Gender Neutral Reader/Non-Binary Fae Additional Tags: Exophilia, Fae, Monster Lover, Hermit, Non-binary Character Content Warnings: Bipolar Disorder, Manic Depressive, Manic Episode, Possession, Fae Contract, Depression, Anxiety Words: 3084

A commission for @unrepentantmonsterlover! The reader believes themselves to be possessed by a demon, so they become a hermit in the woods as to not hurt anyone. They’re met with an unusual stranger who trades them a tea that quiets the demons in their mind. Please reblog and leave feedback!

The Traveler's Masterlist

The cottage was old and falling apart, but it was better than sleeping in a gutter or the woods. It was close enough to the road that you could go into town if you felt like it, but far enough away that it wasn’t visible from the road. You were less likely to be murdered by a highwayman or mauled by a bear in it, at least. You figured that since it was in such a state of disrepair that it didn’t belong to anyone and no one would mind if you lived in it.

You started the process of fixing it, though it was difficult with your… condition. Often, you had trouble controlling your emotions and became angry at nothing and destructive of everything, even though you felt remorseful after the episode was over. The last episode had you destroy the front door of the cottage, which mean you now had to make a new one and it was going to add days of work to your already long list of things to do. But there was nothing for it. You couldn’t help it anyway.

You were possessed by a demon.

It never spoke to you or revealed itself, but it had been with you since you could remember and it compelled you to do things you didn’t want to do, the destruction of the door being an example. It would keep you awake for days, and make you sleep for days. You’d forget to eat, or refuse to eat, or do nothing but eat. It made you tired for no reason, manic for no reason, scream for no reason, and silent for no reason. You couldn’t understand it’s desires, other than to create chaos for you and everyone around you.

Which is why you decided to become a hermit in the first place. The demon had done much to ruin every relationship you’d had with your friends and family, drive away lovers, and make people steer well clear of you, so you made the decision to not involve anyone else.

You had no interest in going into town, but you still had to eat, so you started finding things in the woods you could sell or trade with passersby for food, clothes, and medicine: mushrooms--poisonous and non-poisonous, it wasn’t your business what people did with them--flowers, the seeds of wild fruit and vegetables, bundles of kindling, any small thing you could gather that might earn you some things to keep yourself alive. You set up a table and chair by the roadside so that you could be on your own and not have to go into town.

You only sold on your good days and sequestered yourself on your bad days. You didn’t want anyone to see you when the demon had taken over. It always ended badly for you.

One day, on a bad day when you were sweating and exhausted from a particularly bad episode, there was a knock at your door. Anxious and alarmed, you went to the door and called out, “Who’s there?”

“You may call me Roji,” The voice said, though from the sound of their voice, you couldn’t tell if they were male or female. “Are you alright in there?”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard screaming from the road. Is everything alright?”

You huffed in annoyance. You had indeed been screaming earlier. The demon had made you crush a porcelain dog figurine, a gift from your departed younger sister who’d died shortly before you left, and you’d screamed in rage and grief and self-hatred. You didn’t realize anyone could have heard you out here.

“I’m fine,” You said. “Please leave.”

“Are you the one who sells by the roadside?” They asked. “I had come to trade today.”

“Today is not a good day,” You said, frustrated. Could they not read the situation?

“I won’t be back for some time and I had some shoes and medicine to trade. Are you sure you’d like me to leave?”

That gave you pause. You definitely needed shoes. The ones you had were not built for traversing the forest and were starting to fall apart. You sighed.

“Just a second, please,” You called. Your cottage was, in a word, a complete disaster. You picked up the worst of the mess as quickly as you could, and then unbolted the door.

There stood an androgynous person of indeterminate age. It was strange, it was almost as if they had designed themselves to look unassuming and inconspicuous: they had mid-length brown hair, hazel eyes, a racially ambiguous skin tone, and wore a simple shirt and trousers. They were neither skinny nor overweight, neither tall nor short, neither slim nor wide. There was a burlap sack slung over their shoulder. It all seemed… staged, as if this person was wearing a costume. You immediately felt on edge and leery.

“What can I do for you?” You asked slowly.

“Do you have any carrot seeds? Or toadstools? Oh, also, birchwood.”

“I have some of each, yes,” You replied, standing aside to let them in. The looked around at the state of your cottage with a raised eyebrow, but said nothing. You gathered up the items they requested and held them out to the… person. “Here. You said you had shoes?”

“Ah, yes, here,” Roji said, slipping the burlap sack off his shoulder. He pulled out a pair of decent working shoes that looked almost new.

“Will these things be enough to trade for those?” You asked skeptically. “Those look… expensive.”

“Perhaps they are, but I don’t need them and they’re taking up space in my bag,” They answered off-handedly.

“Where did you find them?”

They quirked an eyebrow. “Do you really care?”

You hummed. “I suppose not. If you’re sure,” You said, and they nodded, handing the shoes to you.

You felt your eyes tear up, and swore silently. You wiped your eyes and tried to get a handle on yourself, but it wasn’t helping. You weren’t even feeling sad, why the hell where you crying?

“Are you alright?” Roji asked, looking at you curiously. It wasn’t necessarily concern they displayed, but an odd, almost morbid interest. “You’re crying. The shoes aren’t all that expensive.”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” You said, ignoring the tears as they continued to fall. “Is there anything else?”

“Hmm…” They regarded you closely. “Just a moment.”

They reached back into their bag and pulled out a small clay pot.

“Here,” They said, putting it in your hand without asking. “This is tea. It helps with one’s mood. I think you’ll like it.”

“Thanks,” You said, setting it on your table. You didn’t drink tea, but you weren’t going to tell them that. If anything, you could trade it for food. “I’m feeling unwell. Can you please go now?”

“Of course,” They said, bowing. “I wish you well.”

“Sure,” You said, rushing them out of the door. Once they were out, you bolted the door and lay down in your bed, unmoving, letting yourself cry.

“I hate you,” You said quietly as the sun began to set. You needed to start a fire, but at the moment, you simply didn’t care. “I hate you so much. Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve you? Who cursed me with you? Why won’t you just leave me?”

The demon was as silent as ever, and the silence made it worse. You were still crying, but now the reason was obvious. Rather than starting a fire or eating dinner, you simply rolled over and cried yourself to sleep.

The next morning you woke starving, only to realize there was nothing to eat. Plus it was raining outside.

“Fuck,” You said under your breath. All you had was the tea that the stranger left, and you didn’t trust it all that much. You built a fire in the hearth and looked around for a root or something to chew on, but there was none anywhere. That was the problem with bad days; you forgot to do the things you needed to do to keep yourself alive. You hadn’t eaten the day before, or the day before that. Going out in the rain was out of the question, as it was a downpour. That only left one thing: the tea.

You held out until around midday when your stomach wouldn’t take it anymore and finally boiled the water for the tea. Once the water was boiling, you opened the clay jar. It smelled musty and earthy, and not necessarily botanical, but that was fine. You couldn’t stand flowery drinks anyway.

Once it was steeped, you sipped it. It was terribly bitter, and you had nothing to sweeten it, but you kept drinking it anyway, and it eased your hunger pangs. You drank two full cups before you realized there were tiny rocks in it.

What the hell?

Eh, well. Beggars can’t be choosers. You drank a third cup.

It was a full day before you realized something while you were out picking wild onions and carrots: you felt better. You didn’t have the urge to break anything. You didn’t feel tired. You didn’t feel angry. You actually cleaned for once. This was the closest thing to normal you had felt since you were a small child.

It couldn’t have been the starvation; you’d gone hungry before. So… was it the tea? It had to have been. You hated the way it tasted, but it was the only thing that it could have possibly been. You went back to the cottage and set down the food you collected, opening up the clay pot. What was it made up of? What herbs? What was in those rocks? What type of rock? How long would this last? A few days? A week at most? What would happen after then?

You tried hard not to panic, but Roji said they wouldn’t be back for some time. How long was some time? That could be anywhere from a few days to years. You’d have to ration it, make it last as long as possible.

Four days had gone by without an episode and it was bliss. You could sleep. You ate normally. You didn’t destroy anything. Is this how people felt all the time?

A week and a half passed, and you ran out. Well… it had been nice while it lasted.

When you’d had the last drop, there was a knock on your door.

“Who is it?”

“Roji,” The voice answered. You knew that voice!

You threw open the door in shock. There they stood, looking as shady and fake as ever. You didn’t care, though.

“You! You’re here!”

They looked down at themselves and smiled. “It appears I am.”

“Do you have more of that tea?” You asked hopefully.

“As it happens, I do,” They said, reaching for their bag.

“I’ll give you anything you want, please give me as much of that tea as you can,” You pleaded. “Anything that’s mine is yours. If you want this cottage, you can have it, please, I just need that tea. It’s the only thing that has ever helped me.”

Roji straightened up and smiled at you in a way that was not altogether comforting. “Anything?”

You grimaced at their expression. “You’re not inspiring much trust.”

“I don’t want your trust. I want your name.”

Your head rocked back. “My name? I don’t understand.”

“A person’s name is the most valuable thing they possess,” Roji explained.

“Don’t say ‘possess’,” You said with a scowl on your face.

They leaned against the door. “Why? What’s your problem with that word?”

“None of your business,” You snapped. “Do you have the tea or not?”

“Well, now I’m curious,” They said. “Tell me. Maybe I can help.”

“How could you possibly help?” You asked.

They came close, wrapping their arms around your neck, and before you could pull away in alarm, their eyes changed. The while sclera turned black, and the iris looked like it contained galaxies within it. They grinned, and their teeth were sharp and pearlescent.

You stared in shock. “You’re fae.”

“Very astute,” They replied, not releasing you.

“Makes sense now,” You replied, slightly weirded out by their closeness. “You looked as if you were wearing a human costume. Not real.”

“Oh, but I thought my glamour was getting better!” They pouted, finally pulling their arms away. “What’s wrong with it?”

“You just look like you’re wearing a person suit. It’s creepy.”

“Aww,” They said, tsking their tongue. “I’ll have to work on it some more. I don’t go out among people much.” They sat down on your bed and patted the space next to them. “Come, sit. Tell me your tale. What has you so desperate for the tea?”

“It’s none of your business,” You repeated.

“Do you want the tea or what?” They asked, folding their arms. You rolled your eyes and sat down.

“I’m possessed,” You said, folding your hands between your legs. “By a demon, I think. I don’t know what else it could be. It makes me rage and destroy things, and on the other side I’m lifeless and like a shell. I go really hot and really cold at a moment’s notice, and I never know when it’s going to happen. It’s driven off everyone I’ve ever loved and I don’t know why I was cursed like this. I want it to stop more than anything. The tea you gave me was the only thing that has ever stopped it.”

“Have you ever seen this demon? Does it speak to you?”

“No, never, but I’ve had it with me since I was small,” You replied.

“Have you ever seen a spiritualist or a priest?”

“Several. None could help.”

“Well, there may be a reason for that,” They said, bumping your shoulder with theirs. “There’s no demonic aura coming from you. There’s nothing magical or preternatural anywhere near you. Honestly, I think you’re plagued with a sickness of the mind.”

“The mind?” You said. “What do you mean?”

“There’s something in your mind that’s not functioning the way it’s supposed to,” They said, standing and reaching into their sack for another clay pot. “This tea is made from minerals from a spring near my home. You have to treat it with electricity, and large doses are toxic, but small doses calm the mind and ease anguish. When I heard you screaming, I thought you might need some.”

“It definitely helped,” You said slowly. “But if I’ve heard my fae stories correctly, if I give you my name, I basically belong to you. You could do anything with me you wanted.”

“That’s certainly true,” They said, smiling coyly. “Luckily for you, this is all an experiment to me. I don’t want much from you besides results.”

“I’m your test subject, is that it?” You asked them shrewdly.

“Does that bother you?” They asked.

“I guess not, if you’re telling the truth,” You replied slowly.

“Fae are nothing if not honest,” They said. “We may skirt the truth, we may gild the truth, but we’re not allowed to lie, especially when making a contract with someone. Besides, if you agree, I could make you very, very happy.”

“You mean you’ll sorcel me up so I don’t know any better?” You asked dubiously.

“Nonsense,” They said, holding a hand to their chest as if offended. “You’ll be in complete control of your faculties, living your own life, feeling a bit better than before.” They leaned forward and kissed you on the cheek. “There’s no reason this can’t be a partnership, right?”

You eyed them. “I have your name, after all.”

They snorted. “I just said you could call me Roji, I didn’t say that was my name.”

“Trust.”

“Hmm,” They said. “It’s something we can work on. Even still, if you want the tea, I need your name. Nothing else will do. What is your peace of mind worth to you?”

“Everything,” You said without hesitation. “Anything.”

“Does that include your name?”

You sighed heavily. “Yes. It does.”

You spoke your name, and they smiled.

“Excellent. All that’s left now is to seal the contract with a kiss.”

You squinted at them, but you leaned over and kissed them. Pulling back, you looked at them carefully. “What’s that strictly necessary to bind the contract?”

They snickered. “No. Are you upset?”

You snorted. “Not as much as I expected. You’re a good kisser.”

They grinned and kissed you again. “Now make your tea. I want to go berry picking.”

You sniffed a laugh through your nose. “As you wish.”

Since my work is no longer searchable, please do me a favor and reblog this story if you enjoyed it. Help me reach a wider audience! To help me continue creating, please consider buying me a Kofi, becoming a Patron, or donating directly to my PayPal!

Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

#Exophilia #Monster Lover #Fae #Bipolar Disorder #unrepentantmonsterlover

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livlepretre · 3 years

Note

Are there any real life moments or feelings that have made their way or informed scenes in any of your fics? Not asking about anything very deep or personal (unless you want to go there). For example, something as small as knowing specific places or sensations and using that to inform scenes better.

Oh tons and tons!

I did get lucky in two respects with writing tvd fic specifically--

I'm actually a painter in real life, so all of those details about using oil paints are from long years of personal experience, as well as all of the parts about drawing. The show is dreadfully wrong about the technicalities of how paint works, like, in just about every scenario, so it does grant me some satisfaction to write about it for real. (and to pretend that Klaus isn't an awful painter) (Writing about Elena as a writer is so much the same, though-- it's special as a writer to get to access a character who also writes, because there's that immediate connection to the process and the feelings that go with it)

The other is that the Originals happens to be set in Nola (for some reason), which I know better than any other place on earth. When I write about that, I'm really writing a love letter.

In general, I try to write about the places I really know well-- Nola and NYC are both pretty drawn out as portraits of those places just because I've spent so much time there (but, ummm, notice that all they seem to do in NY is drink and look at art, which is basically how I spent my 20s there ha) I picked Barcelona for SWBS in particular because I've actually been there, so I could write about my impressions of it (which get heightened in memory... and maybe that's a good thing for fiction) so much better than if I had picked, say, Marseilles where I've never been. That also extends to writing about the feelings certain places evoke-- the descriptions from the Met and the Frick, the air of nostalgia about them, the descriptions of the hall of broken Greek statuary, are all taken from a journal I was working in back when I was spending the winter in New York City and having a bizarrely melancholy time spending all day by myself at the Met.

Experience in the landscape is part of that. Every rural place feels different, and drawing on the physicality of the locations I've spent a lot of time hiking in like New Hampshire for example has really grounded the work. Also, paying attention to the things that are interesting-- I paint landscapes, mostly, so the shape of the land, the color and quality of the lighting, the kinds of flowers and trees and rocks, even the weight or lightness of the air itself, are all things which draw my attention anyway, so it's very natural for me to want to add them to fic-- and they all evoke really powerful sense memory for me, so I try to overlay that with any writing about emotions or introspection.

A lot of the details that fill the story in are just taken from personal interests-- like the books Elena reads in the library are almost all books I've read and loved, and which are influences one way or another on that story. Same for the hapless cooking experiments.

There's obviously also a ton in FE that I've gotten from talking to other people-- I personally have a knack for killing all plants I touch, but my mentor loves to garden, and invites me to paint in his garden all the time, so that's taken from him; I'm far too impatient for yoga or meditation, but again, that's the sort of thing my sister really benefits from, so I've talked to her about the experience of it a lot.

I think the creeping around old houses and snooping through shut in antique curiosities is like a very prime memory from my childhood. My grandfather had this ancient enormous ramshackle house from the 1860s that definitely used to be lots of different smaller buildings but were at some point seamed together; now, my grandmother was a legitimate hoarder (I'm being completely literal, like she makes the hoarders on TLC look like jokes), and there were lots of rooms that were shut off from the main part of the house because they were so full of dusty old interesting things, as well as a few outbuildings like that. My grandfather was very old, in his 90s, when I was a child, too old for him to really keep the house up, so my cousins and siblings and I used to run wild all through this house playing hide and go seek in those shut off rooms and corridors and finding lots of weird and inexplicable objects my grandmother had bought at auction back in the 50s and 60s and piled up high at the house. There were six hundred year old vases mixed in with old record players from the 60s, sewing kits from the 30s and boxes full of letters my great-grandfather had written and little statuettes from India and China and Vietnam sitting atop little two hundred year old painted tables. Just the wildest mix of mundane artifacts from my grandparents' actual lives mixed in with all of these beautiful old objects my grandmother used to collect. I think a lot of Elena's creeping around and hunting through drawers and going down corridors to peer into secret rooms probably stems from that childhood immersed in my grandfather's house, and then all of the time I spent as a teenager helping my mom go through it all and try to make sense of it after he died-- there's probably a weird level of specificity to the names and mechanics of different antique objects and furnitures in FE because I had to learn all about it to help my mom categorize and sell all of those things.

And that kind of takes me to one of the main things I really wanted to write about in this fic-- a detailed and empathetic dive into depression. It's never sat well with me that depression is so often so poorly depicted in media, especially on tv, and that it gets treated like a story arc (tvd season 4 is one of the worst offenders in this regard-- Elena's depression and grief from her brother dying is like a 4 episode arc and it's offensive). I had very severe depression as a teenager, compounded with a lot of grief, and I will probably always be melancholy because some things are just indelible. As a teenager, I was very much so hemmed in by death, and I was very frightened all the time; I was really broken by that experience, and I used to think the loneliness had sunk so deep inside of me that I couldn't even feel lonely anymore, or wish for anyone else. I was probably about 26 before I finally healed from this. These feelings are all probably major reasons why I'm drawn to Elena Gilbert as a protagonist, and why I read her as I do-- I know there are a lot of people who disagree with my interpretation of her, and it's possible that I am so convinced of my character reading of her because I was 20 and still battling in the heart of all of that trauma from my teen years and I felt a resonance with her. So, in writing FE in particularly, and SWBS to a lesser extent, I wanted to write about depression as honestly, openly, and lovingly toward the depressed as I could. I also wanted to write about loneliness, and grief, and what it's like to emerge from those things-- slowly, painfully, with lots of stumbles and hard, hard days. I can recognize that the depictions of depression in FE are ultimately just a reflection of my own personal experience wrestling with it-- but I'm trying to tell an ultimately hopeful story, capable of staring down into the deepest darkness and still clawing its way up into the light. Learning to write honestly about these feelings was hard-- I was so used to protecting myself and pretending that I wasn't something that had once been smashed to pieces that I found myself downplaying the emotions in my writing, being less honest. There came a point there where I realized this story was only ever going to be what I wanted it to be if I did get really honest, as much as possible. I often think of this story as being especially dedicated to the readers who recognize that experience-- and I hope it does, ultimately, read as a story about healing, as dark as it is.

#sevensistersofsussex #asks #on writing #fairytale ending #swbs #personal

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cosmic-day · 2 years

Text

Leverage: Redemption – finally got to see it and loved it. So happy to have my fave comfort show and my best found family back together. More rambling under the cut:

I did think it took a few episodes for them to find their groove – the Paranormal Hacktivity Job in particular felt weirdly “off” in ways I can’t quite articulate – but once they settled back in to it, it was just like having the old show back in the best way, with the second half being a particularly strong run of episodes.

Leverage does feel like a show we need now more than ever. “It’s gotten worse out there,” says Elliot early on and my god, is he ever right. Which in some ways made me love the show even more, but also at times made it harder to watch in an unexpected way. I thought I’d find the “let’s take down the Sackler family, I can’t believe our lawyers are letting us not even disguise this a little bit” episodes cathartic, but they just made me depressed because fuck knows nothing like that is happening in real life.

Breanna is adorable. I mean, I know we can’t agree on much, fandom, and women of colour have traditionally had a hard time of it, but we can at least agree that Breanna is adorable and awesome? Missed Hardison, but loved how he felt like a presence in the team even when he was not there. And, as previously mentioned, Breanna = made of win. If there’s a season two, can we keep both of them?

Similarly, the way they wrote out Nate, and the way they portrayed Sophie’s grief really worked for me. That said, I did miss Nate more than I thought I would. He was my least favourite character in Leverage by some margin, but sill a brilliant character. His sheer rage was the engine that drove the original show, and I did find myself missing that energy, especially in the early episodes.

On the other hand, Nate’s righteous anger and manpain could often end up taking up all the oxygen in the room and leaving less space for the other characters, meaning his absence did lead to a better balance in the team. Sophie in particular flourished without him. I loved the way she took on the mastermind role, while Parker retained her leadership role with Leverage:International. It was also clear that Parker was stepping aside at least partly for Sophie’s sake, and Sophie continually consulted with and deferred to Parker, so they felt like co leads.

Speaking of masterminds, thank you show for not making New Guy automatic mastermind, I should have known better than to worry. Our Mr Wilson was an really good addition to the team. I loved how relaxed he was about being out of his depth, how open to learning, and how generally kind and nice and supportive he was, while also being a guy who had clearly enabled real evil. And I loved how Hardison laid out for him what redemption actually means. I guess if we never see him again he had a good arc, but if there’s a season 2 I’d love to see him back.

Finally, my OT3 is intact. Sort of. I mean, I didn’t really expect a canon poly relationship. And I’m fine with them being queerplatonic, especially given I always headcanoned Parker as ace and Elliot as aro. But Elliot’s line about wanting what Parker and Hardison had made me a little sad. Still, the whole “till our dying day” vibe was present and correct, and seeing them reunited in the last episode was as joyous as expected.

In conclusion, more please.

p.s. now we know that Mounties are the only thing our crew is afraid of, they must have had a run-in with Benton Fraser at some point, right? Which would actually be a really interesting crossover. Fraser would sympathise with them a lot, but absolutely reject their methods. I don't think I'm up to writing that crossover, but I hope somebody is.

#leverage #leverage redemption #reaction posts #cosmic posts #general incoherent flailing #ot3 to end all threes

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ohthewhomanity · 3 years

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Okay so I was listening to @amorespatospodcast talk about “The First Adventure,” and they were talking about how interesting it is that Beakley was the director of SHUSH when it dissolved, and how double-interesting it is that Beakley recommended Bradford to Scrooge when she knew that there was a mole in the agency, and they also mentioned the feather from “The Split Sword of Swanstantine” a few times…

…and this theory popped into my head, and it’s so darn wacky, I don’t really expect this to be true at all, but still… what if…?

Ducktales spoilers below the cut… haha just kidding… unless…?

On the podcast, Anna and Fabi theorized that the feather that Heron nabbed in “Swanstantine” is Scrooge’s feather, and that it could be used to clone Scrooge and create a “rightful heir of McDuck” that would allow FOWL to find the Papyrus. I like the sound of this, especially since we know that super-fast cloning IS possible in Ducktales, what with all the Gyro clones. Bradford has shown that with the help of agents like Gandra Dee, he is able to use/hijack Gyro and Fenton’s technology. FOWL wouldn’t have to wait years and years to grow an heir; they can just do it with the tech they stole. All they needed was a DNA sample: Scrooge’s feather.

But why do they need the feather now? Why didn’t they take one years ago, in all those decades of Bradford running Scrooge’s business? Bradford has clearly been calmly and quietly planning his moves for years. Why wait until Scrooge is onto him to put this plan in motion?

My answer: he didn’t wait. FOWL did take a DNA sample from Scrooge years ago. This is the second time that Bradford has tried to create a “rightful heir of McDuck.” And the first time? He succeeded!

Beakley was working with Bradford in the time of “First Adventure.” Absolutely she was. She’s the best spy in the world and she doesn’t trust anyone, so there’s nothing that Bradford could’ve said to her to make her trust him, unless she knew what he was all about. And Beakley, at some point while she was an agent of SHUSH, figured out what Bradford and FOWL were up to, and was swayed to Bradford’s side.

Beakley is not an agent of chaos. She does not encourage Scrooge to go on reckless adventures. She was happy to be his housekeeper while he was depressed for ten years, and she wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about him seeking out Atlantis in the pilot. If I remember right, she says she has more than enough adventure in her life raising Webby, and while she encourages Scrooge to talk to his grandnephews, since she values family, she doesn’t tell Scrooge to take them on an adventure. In fact, Scrooge makes a point of telling the kids to not tell Beakley that they’re going, as though he knows she wouldn’t approve.

When Beakley joins the adventure gang in “Last Crash of the Sunchaser,” she is appalled to learn that Scrooge regularly puts the kids – particularly Webby – in danger. I can 100% imagine strict, meticulous, rule-abiding Beakley hearing Bradford’s pitch about controlling the world to stop terrible, chaotic things from happening anymore, and thinking, “Huh, sure, I’m on board with order!”

“But what about ‘The Case Files of Agent 22?’” you ask. “Beakley was working with Scrooge against FOWL then!”

Well, it all depends on exactly when Beakley caught onto Bradford and he gave her his pitch. It could be that the flashbacks we see in “Case Files” are before this, and Beakley is completely above-board at this point. It’s also possible that Beakley is already working with Bradford.

Think about how protocol-oriented she is in this episode. She wants to do things by the book. She hates that Scrooge is going off the rails and changing the plan. She learns to like and respect him over the course of the episode, but the way she reacts to Scrooge’s loose-cannon nature reminds me a lot of how Bradford reacts to Heron in “First Adventure.” Scrooge also encourages Beakley to lighten up in a similar way to how Heron encourages Bradford to embrace his inner villain. Order versus chaos. Control versus adventure.

Maybe Heron had gone off the rails and started acting super extra villain-ish, creating a secret island laboratory and trying to use the Gummi Berries herself instead of just collecting/destroying them like Bradford would have wanted, and so Bradford asked Beakley to reign her in, and she did so in a way that aligned with SHUSH’s agenda, too. After all, she’s a spy; she could easily have ulterior motives for her actions. Along the way, she befriends Scrooge. And if Scrooge trusts and likes Beakley, this helps FOWL. It means that when Bradford finally decides to take a more active role in taking over the world, Beakley can tell Scrooge to let Bradford control his business.

So. We’ve got Bradford trying to take over the world, and we’ve got Beakley – the director of SHUSH – secretly working with him. And now Bradford has access to Scrooge’s finances and technologies. And, Bradford still wants the Papyrus. Maybe he’s going to just keep it. Maybe he just wants to make sure that the McDuck family doesn’t get it. Maybe he’s going to use it to get what he wants – total control of a completely orderly, boring world. The important thing is, to find the Papyrus, Bradford needs a McDuck heir.

Hence the cloning. Bradford gets close enough to Scrooge to get a feather, or some more significant DNA sample. But that’s not all he needs. Anna and Fabi pointed out that a clone wouldn’t necessarily be an “heir.” It would just be a copy. Bradford would need someone else’s DNA to combine with it.

Now, whose DNA would Bradford use? Who would he want to take a sample from? Who does Bradford have on hand who knows what he’s planning and isn’t a total villainous loose cannon?

Answer: Beakley.

It takes a long time. They don’t have Gyro to mooch off of; he’s in Japan, and even when Scrooge does hire him, he hasn’t developed his own cloning technology yet. So when they do finally create the clone, it’s a baby. They’re going to have to wait for it to grow up and be able to find the Papyrus for them.

Meanwhile, Scrooge doesn’t notice any of this, because he’s having a grand old time roaming the world with Donald and Della, creating plenty of chaos for Bradford to hate.

And then – the Spear of Selene. Della vanishes. Donald takes the eggs and leaves. Scrooge is grief-struck.

And so, I think, is Beakley.

I think Beakley has grown attached to the clone-baby, much more than she expected to, and much more than Bradford or anyone else in FOWL has. And I think Beakley, seeing her friend so affected by the loss of his family, suddenly started thinking about how terrible she would feel if something were to happen to this baby. And with Bradford in control, with Bradford who clearly doesn’t understand the power or importance of family using this baby as a tool in his plans, something terrible is bound to happen to this baby.

So she, like Donald, took the baby and ran.

Maybe she struck a deal with Bradford. Maybe she said, “Look, Scrooge isn’t going on any adventures anymore. You don’t have to worry about him creating chaos. Just keep on controlling the world using the money of the richest duck in the world, and you’ll have what you want. As the director of SHUSH, I’ll tell everyone that FOWL was defeated, and dissolve SHUSH so no one will look into your work anymore. I’ll even go keep an eye on Scrooge, and I’ll let you know if he does start adventuring again. Just let me keep the baby.”

And Bradford said yes.

And Beakley told the baby that she was her grandmother.

And Beakley spent the next decade telling her granddaughter not to bother Scrooge. Remember that that is the reason Webby gives in “Case Files” when Scrooge asks why they haven’t gone on adventures together before – Beakley told her not to bother Scrooge. Beakley didn’t want Scrooge adventuring, and she didn’t want Webby in danger.

Fast forward to “Moonvasion.” Bradford has been content this long to quietly control the world, since Scrooge hasn’t been running around causing chaos. But now, the McDuck family has caused an alien invasion of Earth. And like Bradford says, you can’t control the world if the world is destroyed.

So he goes back to his original plan. Collect the magical artifacts that the McDucks and related villains might use to cause chaos. And, importantly, find the Papyrus, the most dangerous of them all.

But, again, he needs the rightful heir of McDuck. There’s a couple potential heirs running around to choose from, but again, there’s only one person who Scrooge McDuck trusts that Bradford has reason to think he could control.

So Bradford contacts Beakley and tells her to bring Webby to him. And we know – Frank Angones has confirmed this – that Beakley would do anything to protect Webby. To protect her physically, and also, as we learned in “Lost Harp of Mervana,” to protect Webby’s perception of Beakley as a good person. The last thing Beakley wants to do now is expose Webby to FOWL and let her discover the truth.

Beakley would do anything to protect Webby. So she agrees to help Bradford create a new clone. She’s a true double agent, actively and sincerely working with both sides. In “Escape from the Impossibin,” she is both serving as a part of the distraction to keep the family from noticing the theft of the missing mysteries until it’s too late (which puts Scrooge in a hurry, sending him out into the field in “Swanstantine,” giving Heron the chance to grab the feather), and she’s also trying to prepare Webby for the very real possibility of having to fight her own family, Beakley included.

Only the best spy in the world – which Beakley is! – could pull something like this off. The thought of losing Webby (both physically and emotionally – if Webby finds out that Beakley betrayed Scrooge, Beakley could lose Webby forever) scares and upsets Beakley enough for her to betray everyone else she cares about, and even sell out the entire world to Bradford.

TL;DR, Beakley is the mole, she initially joined FOWL because she likes order but now is working with them to protect Webby, Webby is a potential rightful heir of Scrooge McDuck, and FOWL is cloning a new heir.

…and now, after rereading this whole thing for typos, I actually kind of buy my own cracky theory. Wow.

And now I’m imagining a future callback to “Last Crash,” when Scrooge told Webby that she wasn’t family, with Beakley standing right there to hear it, which he still to this day has not apologized for. What if Beakley, desperate not to lose her granddaughter, used that painful memory to try to convince Webby that betraying Scrooge to protect her was the right thing to do?

#ducktales #webby vanderquack #scrooge mcduck #ducktales 2017 #dt 2017 #ducktales theory #bentina beakley #bradford buzzard #ducktales spoilers #ducktales season 3 #the split sword of swanstantine #the first adventure #the last crash of the sunchaser #from the confidential case files of agent 22 #moonvasion #fowl #shush #amores patos podcast #i mean if nothing else I'll make this the backstory of AYHAPII if I don't like what canon does

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willowrosenboob · 3 years

Note

Spuffy anon, I feel you so much on that. I can't exactly say that their season 6 journey had to transpire like /that/ overall and I will never think that certain scenes should've ever happened out of necessity (even with the "excuse" that the show is dark, idk I just hated the whole execution of it, I believe you know what I'm referring to), but anyway yes while I guess that "Once More With Feeling"'s last moment had to happen sometime between them as well as the aftermath of Spike questioning Buffy's feelings, pre-Smash spuffy never not gets me because there's a certain sort of disarm and tenderness between them. I really loved the ongoing theme that Buffy hangs out with Spike because she doesn't have to pretend to be ok and perfectly fine with him, and pre-Smash it wasn't framed as this "unspeakable" thing that was obviously bad for her, it was her just enjoying his company and likewise for him. Also as you mentioned, the melancholy, the yearning, all of it just made it feel so strangely honest between them? They've known each other for who they were and are supposed to be for a longer time now so you could say that even before Smash, they both knew 'the best and worst' of each other. I don't know what your opinion on season 7 Spuffy is, I can completely understand it if you're not into it after the season 6 events, but some scenes throughout that season stand out a lot for me for the similar reasons why pre-Smash spuffy is so significant to me.

ugh, so true. it’s just so fascinating that they were able to be so open with each other despite still being mortal enemies, because the roots of both of their suffering is so similar (both having been dead at one point, alienated from people who they used to connect with, both feel like they’re not what they should be). all their scenes convey SO MUCH, from tender uninhibited sadness, to all consuming grief, to awkward connection, to genuine laughter and smiles that they’re both not used to. also SMG and JM are such amazing actors, and their facial expressions and line deliveries are so perfect. obviously it doesn’t last, but it’s just so beautiful that even for a few episodes they had this unlikely connection that was so unlike their relationships with anyone else, and that functioned as one of the few bright spots in a really depressing season. they truly understand each other in a way that no one else does.

i think you’d be surprised to know that overall s6 spuffy is my favourite season for them in the entire show. i’ve always viewed the thesis of their s6 relationship as being that relationships built on misery aren’t meant to last. them falling into toxicity made a lot of sense sense for their characters to me (and thematically too), even if a lot of what went down between them, mainly seeing red, wasn’t handled as carefully as i would’ve hoped. and I always felt like spike played a really interesting role in exploring buffy’s psyche. I think in the second half of the season spike represents the dark unrestrained half of buffy that’s telling her to abandon the values she holds, because sometimes it’s easier to embrace suffering. i love their break up scene because we see buffy finally understanding how their relationship is hurting both of them. it’s remarkable character development.

(sidenote, but i loathe whenever someone has a galaxy brain take that s6 spuffy’s arc was entirely about spike. like did you not see the best depression arc in the history of tv take place???? like yeah sr was mainly about spike, but did you not notice how there were barely any spike centric scenes during their actual relationship??? how buffy projected her feelings about herself onto spike, and we got to see her dealing with her emotions way more than spike did???????? just because character development isn’t linearly positive, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there, and that it isn’t super fucking good)

i’ve said in the past that season 7 is my least favourite season for them, and while that still kinda holds up (mainly cause i think it’s not written particularly well, and the events of sr are brushed off way too easily), s7 actually hit different for me on my last rewatch. after s6 it’s so nice to see them lifting each other up instead of bringing each other down. we get to see them come to understand why their relationship ended so badly in s6. they come to peace with who they are, and they come out stronger because of it. also, i feel like while spike does understand buffy’s mental state extremely well in early s6, the whole lack of soul thing keeps him from seeing her as she sees herself. he’s finally able to appreciate her as a hero in s7 (compare how he consoles buffy in touched with how he tries to console her in dead things). morality is a big part of buffy’s character, and even if i don’t always like it, i think spike getting a soul was 100% necessary to getting them together.

so yeah, early s6 spuffy is absolutely god tier. no one does yearning like they do.

#btvs #spuffy #answers #Anonymous

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wujificrec · 4 years

Text

Genre Highlight: LWJ’s POV

Cursed by Feynite

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 2.8k | Notes: angst, family, grief/mourning, Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi, fluff

Summary:

The Lan Clan is cursed with Love at First Sight.

Ashes of Winter by joannjoann

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 1.6k | Notes: Love at first sight, pining Wangji, angst, cursed, 13 years

Summary:

Usually, the calmest and most silent ones keep the strongest feelings. Lan WangJi in particular, feels more strongly than anyone could ever compare.

A glance into what Lan WangJi's went through shortly after Wei WuXian's death. He lost one life but found another.

you are the you who has dyed my lifetime red by Quixiote

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 4.7k | Notes:flower symbolism, pining, angst, fluff, love confession, 13 years

Summary: Lan Wangji was born with a gift.

Red Thread by Aki_no_hikari

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 1.7k | Notes: Soulmates AU, different first meeting, red string of fate, fluff, pre-canon

Summary: There were many reasons why a cultivator might never join their fated person, although that did not stop many from embarking in years-long searches for the person that was their other half, the one that would understand them and accept them, flaws and all. Others stumbled upon their fated person… sometimes quite literally. Lan Wangji happened to be one of the later.

The Adventures of Lan WangJi - Erotic Art by kitkat2010

NC-17 | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 2k | Notes: 13 years, Lan Zhan masturbating

Summary: A few years after Wei Wuxian's death, Lan WangJi goes to buy Emperor's Smile and erotic art books.

Return to Gusu with Me by EstelweNadia

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | Multi-Chapter: 5.5k | Notes: Fix-it (kinda), angst, friendship, friends to lovers, slow burn, what-if, canon-divergent

Summary:

MDZS from Lan Wangji's POV. (ep 15 and ch 69 onwards) He would do whatever it takes, even if it meant laying his soul bare, for Wei Ying to come back with him. Chapter 1: Episode 15 - Beautiful Tranquillity Chapter 2: Episode 15 part 2- Honest Confession Chapter 3: Chapter 69 - Departure Part 1

just one minute more by dandelion_san

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 1k | Notes: Post-canon, fluff, sappy, cuddling & snuggling

Summary: In the hours while Wei Wuxian is still asleep, Lan Wangji struggles to get out of bed.

Sometimes when it's cold by taotrooper

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 1.1k | Notes: 13 years, post-WWX death, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, cuddling & snuggling, scars

Summary: The scars on Lan Wangji's back still hurt during the winter.

growing pains by luchiden

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 3k | Notes: Kid fic, 13 years, Lan Sizhui, post-WWZ death, angst, mourning/grief

Summary: For Lan Wangji the world begins and ends with Wei Wuxian.

i went looking for love (and found you, you, you) by GeneralPo

NC-17 | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 6.5k | Notes: Alternating POV, non-linear narrative, post-canon, smut, angst

Summary:

In defiance of every celebrated scripture of common sense upheld since the establishment of the orthodox sects, Wei Wuxian returns to the world of the living, thirteen years gone and somehow no less brilliant than before. ------- Before they are truly beautiful, they break; together, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian pick up the pieces of a conversation left behind thirteen years ago, reconnecting them to the feelings they share today.

等一不归人 by FateTrash

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 722 words | Notes: pining, character study, 13 years, post-WWX death

Summary: Thirteen years. He's been a fool for thirteen years.

a bout of teenage rebellion a few years behind schedule by bosbie

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 1.9k | Notes: pining, fluff, introspection on LWJ’s part

Summary:

Lan WangJi sneaks away from a night-hunt (and his brother) and arrives at YiLing to finally make peace with this ill-fated love. That does not happen. Wei WuXian shines too brightly for him to let go.

won't by then_came_thee

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 921 words | Notes: Wangji introspection, 13 years, post-WWX death, mourning/grief, pining

Summary:

yearning by wolframvonbielefeld (maknaeline)

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-shot: 7.5k | Notes: Wangji character study, 13 years, post-WWX death, Lan Sizhui, angst, hurt/comfort, suicidal thoughts, depression, happy ending

Summary:

Thirteen years I have spent without you, Wei Ying, but my yearning has been fruitful.

Your - our son has grown up well.

Family by Quiet_crash

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | Multi-chapter: 47.1k | Notes: (unfinished), time travel, fix-it fic,

Summary:

The truth of the matter was that when it came to taking care of people and their problems, both he and Wei Ying were of one mind. However, whereas Lan Wangji was taught to care for himself as much as other people, Wei Ying, from early age, was taught that him having needs was burdensome. He disregarded his own pain with frightening ease and offered up evey part of himself for others to use with no reservation.

Thus, Lan Wangji made sure that his husband's needs were never overlooked, his hurts never unadressed.

So it was that when they purified an ancient temple and its goddess benevolently offered them each a wish in return, Wei Ying asked for his family: for Jiang Cheng to never have lost his parents and his core, for Jiang Yanli to never have lost her husband and her own life because of him; Lan Zhan asked for Wei Ying.

The Price of Old Wishes by SoManyJacks

NC-17 | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | Multi-Chapter: 67.8k | Notes: Canon-divergent, LWJ POV, angst, depression, hurt/comfort, slow burn, happy ending, smut, sharing a bed

Summary:

With Lan SiZhui almost grown, Lan WangJi began to question if there was much else to live for. Then an old wish came true, but at what cost? Or, a retelling of the events of the novel from the perspective of Lan WangJi.

I Dreamed Of You At Nighttime. by cherryburlesque

M | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-Shot: 7.3k | Notes: Canon-divergent, Yiling Patriach, Sunshot campaign, angst, happy ending, character study, getting together

Summary:

A confrontation after a tense war meeting, and kisses stolen on a bridge in the dark.

Lan Wangji had long since accepted the fact that he had no sense when it came to Wei Wuxian. His vision always narrowed down to one singular point, and everything else was secondary, including the rules of his own clan.

He’d come to terms with that knowledge months ago, when he broke the rules Lan by being outside the Cloud Recesses at night, playing Inquiry for the upteenth time in the hope of an answer.

The long road home by dea_liberty

M | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-Shot: 9.1k | Notes: Post-canon, family, happy ending, feelings, marriage, angst, 13 years

Summary:

Lan Wangji doesn’t watch as Wei Ying walks away with half his soul, while Lan Wangji walks away with a paper man, infused with a little bit of Wei Ying’s spiritual energy, tucked in flat against his chest like it can replace half of his heart.

In the aftermath of everything, they weave their way through the past and the present, and towards the future they'll make together.

Finally, Lan Wangji finds his way home.

breathing gym by victortor

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-Shot: 2.9k | Notes: Canon-compliant, LWJ POV, panic-attacks

Summary:

Lan Wangji, in a pause.

Or,

At the rendezvous point, after capturing the perpetrator responsible for the rumors of Xinglu Ridge, Lan Wangji waits for Wei Wuxian to return.

After the Drought by Aki_no_hikari

G | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-Shot: 4.1k | Notes: Canon-divergent, Yiling Wei Sect, family, fluff, angst, happy ending, LWJ POV

Summary:

Point of divergence: chapter75, lwj stays to eat that night… and seeing that they need him, he stays the next day and the next...

Driven by feelings and morals, Lan Wangji leaves the Cloud Recesses and his family behind. Fourteen years of hardship later, he comes back as a father and leader.

asymptotic by chinxe

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | Multi-Chapter: 26.7k | Notes: Canon-divergent, angst, happy ending, slow burn, misunderstandings, pining, LWJ POV

Summary:

The members of the Lan Clan have never been particularly well-known for their good judgement when it comes to matters of the heart.

Which is why it should come as a surprise to no one when Lan Wangji falls in love with an actual ghost.

Looking at You Always, All Ways by Keysmashed

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | Multi-Chapter: 29.1k | Notes: Canon-divergent, time travel, fix-it fic, fluff, angst, happy ending, LWJ POV

Summary:

Lan Wangji thought it was just a dream but the pain of being pierced in the chest by his own sword, by his own self whose appearance was taller and older was too real. The ground under his feet disappeared and he fell, and fell, and continued falling until a voice he thought he would never hear again broke his fall and suddenly, he was no longer falling. It was the voice he had so dearly missed.

Wei Ying's voice.

----A Time Travel Fix-It where Lan Wangji goes back in time to his first fateful encounter with Wei Wuxian for a chance to rewrite history.

Why Didn't You Say? by preciousbunnynoiz

PG | Lan Zhan/Wei Ying | One-Shot: 2.5k | Notes: Canon-divergent, fluff, angst, happy ending, love confessions, inquiry, 13 years, Lan Sizhui

Summary:

“Father? One of the other boys said that using the guqin you could...speak to the dead.”

Ah.

Lan WangJi had wondered when this would happen.

A-Yuan asks Lan WangJi to help him speak to someone who he barely remembers and that triggers a reunion and also confessions and confusions.

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fanfic-corner · 3 years

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Under 10,000 Words

16/12/20 - I can never figure out what my favourite length of fic is, but I think it depends on my mood. Sometimes I want a huge, 200,000 word journey, and sometimes I just want a quick drabble. Anyway, here are some fics which are all between 2,000 and 10,000 words, organised by the word count.

Sleep Deprivation by Honey_Honey on AO3. (2,313 words).

Tags: Cute, First Kiss.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: The one where killing monsters leaves Dean without a week of sleep, and Cas has to deal with the consequences.

Notes: This was so fluffy and cute and I can totally imagine Dean overthinking everything while Sam just finds the whole situation hilarious.

That One Time Sam Winchester Googled Something Weird and It Had Pretty Awesome Results by quitepossiblyjanuary on AO3. (2,587 words).

Tags: Romantic Fluff, First Kiss, Stars, Humor, Courtship, Short & Sweet.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: In which Sam Googles something and his curiosity doesn’t kill the cat. Or him. Or anyone. It’s a pretty awesome feeling.

Notes: This was so adorable! Gabe was so sweet, and his mind reading skills made me laugh.

What Can’t Be Seen by destieldrabblesdaily on AO3. (2,639 words).

Tags: Soulmate AU, author!Cas, Strangers to Lovers, First Kiss.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Written for this prompt: Soulmate AU where you first see color after eye contact: Cas is a famous best selling author and he’s promoting his book, so he’s talking to a crowd of people and suddenly his world is in color, and a lot of his fans pretend to be his soulmate. A Cinderella type situation ensues.

Notes: This was really cute and such a sweet and funny idea.

The Tea is Decaf by mnwood on AO3. (3,673 words).

Tags: POV Castiel, Fluff, Sign Language, Castiel in the Bunker, Canon Compliant, Sharing Clothes, Asexual Castiel, Gentle Dean, Non-Explicit Sex, Domestic, Established Relationship.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Based on this text post from thebloggerbloggerfun: “Listen, imagine Eileen sneaking out of Sam’s room at night to go to the bathroom or something and steps out into the hallway in one of Sam’s shirts only to see Cas trying to quietly leave Dean’s room while wearing one of Dean’s shirts and they both just stare at each other awkwardly for a few seconds before trying to muffle quiet laughter and now they have a late night club where they talk about life and gossip about the Winchesters in sign language"And this anon I received: "what if Eileen and Cas discover there are some things Sam and Dean both do in bed because Dean jokingly gave Sam pointers when they were younger and Sam took the advice”.

Notes: This has to be one of my favourite fics of all time, even though the first time I read it I hadn’t even met Eileen yet! I’m still so pissed off that she wasn’t in the finale (unless we’re counting Blurry Wife?).

surely heaven wants for you by cenotaphy on AO3. (3,782 words).

Tags: Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Heaven, Coda, Post-Finale, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean, Outdoor Sex.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Cas doesn't come to him. Dean can't really argue with that, given the circumstances. In all the history of balls in courts, he thinks there might never have been a ball as thoroughly in a court as this one is in his. He drives for what feels like a long time but might just be a single sunny afternoon, or maybe years (time's funny here, Bobby had said), just enjoying the music, the shifting landscape outside his window, the hum and creak of the engine. Finally the forest opens up and the road narrows down in a way that he's fairly certain wouldn't typically happen on any kind of earthly interstate, and he glides the car to a halt at the edge of a lake.

Notes: This was so beautiful and such a interesting exploration of Dean’s feelings!

a quick salt and burn by xylodemon on AO3. (4,609 words).

Tags: Episode Related, Cemeteries, Case Fic.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: "Fuck," Dean mutters, wincing as pain throbs in his shoulder and neck. After the ghost chucked him into the hedge, he hit the ground like ton of bricks and clipped an exposed tree root so old it was practically petrified. "So much for a quick salt and burn."

Notes: This is adorable and hilarious, so a double win.

Funny Bone by PallasPerilous on AO3. (4,933 words).

Tags: Fluff and Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Skeletons, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Alternate Universe - No Angels, Canon Divergence, Mild Gore.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: It wasn’t even a particularly creepy skeleton; it was in kind of a “just chillin’” pose on the floor. One ankle was still locked up in a heavy iron cuff, at the end of a short chain leading back to the wall. Snoresville, as dead stuff goes; Dean’s seen worse at Disneyland. It was the skeleton’s comment about Dean’s ass that really livened things up.

Notes: This has to have been one of the funniest fics I have ever read, but oh boy did I feel bad for poor Cas.

Grace by july_19th_club on AO3. (5,164 words).

Tags: Fix-It, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Resurrection, Reciprocated Confession.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: A man dies. What happens next will shock you. [script]

Notes: This was written beautifully, and now I really want to see this filmed! So much better than the ending we got.

(un)conventional by imogenbynight on AO3. (6,100 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe, mechanic!Dean, Writer!Castiel, Conventions, Fluff.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Spec Lit Con--Speckly Con, to it’s regular attendees--is an annual weekend-long event held in Chicago, dedicated to science fiction, fantasy and otherwise speculative literature. This year Dean's favorite author, C.J. Novak, is appearing as a panelist. Naturally, he shells out the cash for an all access pass.

Notes: This was so adorable that I nearly screamed in the corridor outside my computer science lesson. Plus, the writing was absolutely gorgeous! I miss conventions :(

La Vie A Plus by K_K_TiBal on AO3. (6,260 words)

Tags: Punk Castiel, Asexual Castiel, College/Uni AU, Roommates, oh my god they were roommates, College Student Dean, College Student Castiel, Pining, First Kiss, Misunderstandings, Art Student Castiel, Love Confessions, Gabriel is a Little Shit, Tattooed Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester is hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with his best friend and roommate, Castiel. Castiel - with his blue hair, and his tattoos, and his artwork, and his perfect everything. Dean never stood a chance, really. It only sucks because, as far as Dean can tell, Castiel is definitely not interested. But love, much like art, has a way of being unpredictable. Even if you think you know where you’re going with it.

Notes: The angst is strong in this one! Again, I feel like many aces have had this conversation or that fear that people (allos, especially) may not want to be with them.

Event Horizon by Winglesss on AO3. (6,442 words).

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Dean, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Past Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Texting, Sharing a Bed, Happy Ending, Veteran Dean, Doctor Dean, Writer Castiel, Strangers.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Castiel couldn't have helped his sister. That's why being offered a chance to help somebody else dealing with suicidal thoughts he took it without hesitation. When he gets the first text from someone who needs his help, nothing goes as he expected.

Notes: I don’t know if that kind of suicide prevention scheme exists, but this fic is very sweet.

I Think That’s Mine by palominopup on AO3. (6,804 words).

Tags: Fluff, AU, Reporter!Dean, Writer!Cas.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: A mix up at the Atlanta Airport places Dean Winchester's laptop in someone else's possession. A series of calls and texts bring two men together.

Notes: This was so cute, Cas was so sweet, and Dean was an icon.

Nothing Equals the Splendor by RurouniHime on AO3. (7,865 words).

Tags: Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Angst with a Happy Ending, Grief, Explicit Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Declarations of Love, Canon Compliant, Minor Injuries.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Maybe it’s the cynic in him. The hunter, always under the surface of any quietude he ever found. Or maybe it’s just that he has always had trouble with blind faith. But after a while (a blink? A decade? A century?), Dean raises his eyebrows, looks around, and says—

“Uh. No.”

It’s so close. Just so slightly imperfect. And maybe, he analyzes, maybe that’s the final knell of this bell called contentment. Dean’s experience with happiness has always been that last rise in the road, right before it turns. Right before fate comes barreling around the corner head on. He turns in his spot on the bridge, and suddenly Sam is like a cellophane film through which he can see the light streaming, and the taste of cheap beer on his tongue is much, much older a memory than it should be.

“Oh, you’re good,” he says, and means it.

Notes: What a great idea, and written so well! I always thought the show could have done so much more with djinns, but never mind.

In the House of the Rising Bun by imissmaeberry on AO3. (9,046 words).

Tags: Bakery and Coffee Shop, Baker Dean, Barista Sam, College Campus, Poet Castiel, Mutual Pining, Daddy Issues, Background Sam/Jess, Past Balthazar/Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester only has three rules concerning the cafe he and his brother Sam own, “House of the Rising Bun”.

1. Any and all opportunities to make a pun will be taken. 2. Free regular coffee with your student ID (If you want some of that fancy nonsense you gotta pay, sorry kids). 3. Anyone and everyone is always welcome.

Between Dean running the shop full-time and Sam helping out whenever he isn’t in class, there really isn’t a whole lot of time for romance for either of them. But that all changes when they gain a new regular - some writer from London - who may or may not have the bluest eyes Dean’s ever seen.

Notes: First of all, the puns were amazing and I am willing to fight people on that. Secondly, that was so sweet and funny I am afraid I might have to disappear under mysterious circumstances and open my own cafe…

I hope you enjoy these! I haven’t read any new fics for this list and even then there were way too many to put on one list, so expect a sequel at some point in the future!

#fic recs #destiel #sabriel #saileen #fanfics #supernatural #spn #spnfamily #10000 words #2000-10000

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jessgartner · 3 years

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2020 Life Olympics

The real Olympics may have been canceled in 2020 but the Life Olympics persevered like the postal service of Olympics.

First, I’d like to apologize for my role in the chaos of 2020 because I think I had a slight miscommunication with the powers that be and I feel partly responsible. Here was my plan for 2020:

My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping “in-tent” to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

The universe was like, “Oh, she wants to spend less money and more time outside? Well, shut it down. Shut the whole planet down.”

I mean, mission accomplished, I guess? I did spend less money and more time outside and had to be VERY intentional with my mental energy to survive the day-to-day morass of 2020. Next time, I will be more specific with my annual manifestations. Sorry to all.

2020 was brutal for pretty much everything and everyone. I don’t know anyone who isn’t in some state of grief right now, including myself. I debated doing a Life Olympics at all this year, feeling like-- what is the point? Hundreds of thousands of people died, our democracy is hanging on by a thread, and millions of people lost jobs, businesses, and homes.

Like many people, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this year which intensified as it got darker and colder outside. At a low point, I talked with my therapist about the struggle of just not wanting to do any of the things that usually bring me joy-- and how periods of relief were so fleeting. “But you have to keep doing those things,” she said, “even if they’re not working right now, you have to keep doing those things and trust the process; the joy will return.”

So even though I don’t really feel like it and kind of feel like it’s dumb, I’m writing the 2020 Life Olympics. I’m trusting the process.

2020 Life Olympics Recap

Work - Participation Trophy

Starting a company is hard, operating a company is harder, but running a company during a global pandemic and economic crisis is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. 2020 was not a fun year to lead a business; it was hell. On March 15, the plan for the year pretty much went out the window and everything went into survival mode. I never take the company or my team for granted, but I’m particularly grateful to be able to usher this work into 2021.

Despite the craziness, we still had some big wins this year. We launched new product partnerships with PowerSchool and Amazon Business. We rebuilt our tool for equitably calculating district funding formulas. And I got to flex my creative muscles with EdFinToks! Throughout it all, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a team of people who are as compassionate as they are talented.

I’m worried about public education more than ever after this year, but I’m going to keep fighting every day to make it work better for kids.

This is Work-Lite but I also spent a good chunk of time this year leading the modernization workgroup for Bill Henry’s transition committee after his spring primary election to become the new Baltimore City Comptroller, ousting a 25-year incumbent, Joan Pratt. This was an enlightening (and infuriating) experience for me that gave me a glimpse into the operations of a segment of the City government. This process also really helped crystallize how much I enjoy making public agencies function more efficiently; I’m excited to see what Bill does with the recommendations (some are already being put in action!)

Health - Gold

This is the second year in a row (and ever) that I’m giving myself a Gold medal for Health. This was easily a year that I could have regressed on all of my healthy habits and no one would have blamed me. Instead, I leaned into protecting and improving my physical and mental health in 2020. It’s not an exaggeration to say that walking probably saved my life this year. I spent a lot of time walking around my neighborhood and various state and city parks-- walking is maybe not the best word; I stomp and charge around like I have a score to settle with the ground beneath me. My walking increased 370% in 2020. This is a habit of 2020 that I’d like to keep. My brain and body are happier if I can spend a little time walking-- stomping-- around outside each day.

I also did a lot of biking this summer. My cycling increased 200% this year-- with much more time spent cycling outdoors. My crowning achievement this year was biking to and from Annapolis:

I spent a LOT more time outside this year which was critical for my mental health. On the downside, I only did 90% as much yoga and 60% as much strength training, so I want to try to be a little more balanced next year.

I also invested a lot in my mental health this year. I kept up with therapy every 2-4 weeks and in October I decided to pursue a formal diagnosis for ADHD which I definitely have! Needless to say, staying in one place this year has been a special kind of hell for me.

Home - Silver

Well, I definitely spent less money this year. And the way I did spend money made me (mostly) sad:

Travel down 70%

Auto & Transportation up 200% (boo cars)

Shopping down 60%

Personal Care down 35%

Gifts and donations up 200%

Food and Dining down 40%

Entertainment down 35% (I kept up my singing lessons virtually which accounts for a lot of this category)

2020 was quite the palate cleanser from my 2019 year of hedonism but maybe we can go for a happy medium in 2021? Just kidding-- I will resume my hedonist ways the minute the world opens.

I also redid my home office like every other work-from-homer on the planet and replaced my crumbling kitchen floor so the house got some TLC.

But nobody enjoyed having me home all year as much as Darwin:

Relationships - Bronze

What a weird year for relationships of all kinds. I’m giving this a Bronze because while I invested a lot into a few relationships this year, there are also a lot of people in my life to whom I haven’t been able to give my time and love.

One of the most important relationships in my life this year was with one of my former students. After bouncing around in the foster system for many years, we reconnected around the holidays in 2019 and he started crashing with me while we tried to figure out stable housing and employment. He was arrested in January and was incarcerated for the next several months awaiting trial. Finally, we were able to negotiate a plea agreement with the State’s Attorney and he came home around Independence Day. We spent the next several months getting him set up with a phone and various identification documents-- a nightmare in normal times and a total abyss during the pandemic. I got him registered to vote when we got his ID card and I took him to vote for the first time (a supreme treat for this former social studies teacher):

He’s now got a full-time job and stable living situation. Calling this THE success of 2020. Thank you to everyone who helped me with resources all year for housing, legal processes, and documents. It takes a village.

It was a bizarre year for family. We lost my grandmother in September, so not being able to spend the holidays together felt like an especially cruel loss. Other big losses this year include a trip to France to celebrate a milestone birthday for my mother and my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding (Mosby seemed pretty ok with the alternative plan, though):

But in many ways, my family has been more together than ever this year thanks to prolific group chats and photo-sharing. Mostly, I’m just glad everyone else is safe and healthy. As my father often reminds me, “Our problems are small.”

And dating? What to do with this weird Jane-Austen-esque dating scene-- as if modern dating weren’t fraught enough. Is this the universe punishing me for ending my 2019 dating hiatus early? I, for one, have given up. You win this one, pandemic. I’m just going to have my little Twitter crush and call it a year. Next year, though...

Horizons - Silver Gold

You know what? It’s hard to expand your horizons without people or places.

I did the best I could. I finally got back on track with my Goodreads challenge and actually had a really good year of reading, including finally embracing audiobooks through my Libro.fm subscriptions. I especially enjoyed Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and Mike Birbiglia’s The New One on audio-- both narrated by their authors.

I camped in Pocomoke (MD), Western MD, Lake Michigan, and Ohiopyle (PA):

I explored over 30 new hiking/biking trails-- some favorites including the Youghiegheny River trail in PA, the NCR trail, Catoctin Mountain, the C&O Canal Towpath, Annapolis Rock, and of course, Stoney Run in my backyard.

I left Facebook and started the Life Olympics newsletter. I’ll be honest, I don’t miss Facebook but I also don’t understand where that energy, time, and brain space went. I was spending cumulatively hours a day mindlessly scrolling Facebook and I quit cold turkey and barely noticed-- what black hole of our brains does social media occupy? I kind of thought that with all that extra time I would write the next great American novel or something. I’m probably spending a little more time on Twitter, which I could stand to cut back on. Other than that, I think I was just trying to process the shitstorm of this year. Maybe I’ll write the next great American novel post-pandemic.

For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat ‘caught up’ on pop-culture. I finally watched Parks and Recreation (twice); I watched The Mandalorian and finally actually watched Star Wars (episodes IV-IX); I watched the final seasons of The Good Place and Schitt’s Creek; I’m caught up on Insecure; I watched The Prom and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and Jingle Jangle; I even started Bridgerton. I know what everyone is talking about and I’m catching so many more pop-culture references these days. (I guess instead of writing the next great American novel I watched Netflix?)

2020 Lessons

I’ve spent plenty of time mourning the missed opportunities of 2020 and will probably always wonder what this year could have been in an alternate universe with a functioning government. But we only have this reality for now, and we made the best of it.

I wanted to slow down in 2020, try to be more intentional, more mindful, and...

No thank you! I liked the pace of my life; it makes my brain and heart happy. I’m happiest when I wake up in a different city three days in a row. I like darting around every borough of Manhattan for nine meetings and three cocktails and then taking a red-eye to Europe. I want to run around to eight conferences for 18-hours a day for three weeks and then sleep for 22 hours. I miss overloading my brain so much that I need a deprivation chamber to sleep. This is who I am. This is how I like to live. And when I was locked down alone in the house for a year, slowing down, being mindful, I never once thought, “I should have... when I had the chance.” Because I always did. And I always will.

2021

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

We’ve had enough grief. 2021 is going to be all about joy.

Universe, let me be clear: this is not a euphemism or code or secret signal.

I want pure, unadulterated, abundant, joy. I want multi-course dinners in restaurants with lots of close friends and good wine. I want the virus so far gone that I can make-out with handsome strangers. I want a rollicking good time in France and/or Brazil and/or Prague and/or New Zealand and/or Bali. I want to spend the day after Christmas in NYC with my father. I want to be a glutton for theatre and art and music. I want celebrations and parties and sequins.

I want to shake with joy.

If you’d like to receive the (shorter) monthly Life Olympics, subscribe here.

#lifeolympics

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whatscanon-moved · 3 years

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@boltns : [check up] your muse checks up on my muse to make sure they’re okay

𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟖𝐓𝐇, a day that had stuck with quinn for the past five years. half a decade ago, she was in the hospital after performing at regionals. half a decade ago, a newborn little girl was placed in her arms. half a decade ago, beth was placed in shelby corcoran’s arms for good. quinn had a lot of regrets about how she handled the situation, particularly senior year. her parents hadn’t noticed the signs of her depression, which had led to a manic episode the first semester of her senior year. now, shelby didn’t speak to her. the only pictures she received of beth were the occasional ones from that shelby sent puck ( the thought that those two were still in contact made quinn sick to her stomach ) and rachel, who would send milestones that she had seen on social media. as far as shelby was concerned, quinn fabray was blocked from existence. and as much as it hurt, quinn understood.

she had gotten through finals week before the day arrived, thankfully. but on this day, she sometimes dropped off the radar, falling into introspective grief. after rachel had sent her pictures of beth’s fifth birthday party, quinn had fallen into that pit in her apartment, putting her phone away. apparently, this had been cause for concern, hearing a knock at her apartment door.

she paused the show she had been watching on netflix and walked over to the door, peeking through the peep hole. THERE STOOD TROY BOLTON, the guy she had gone on a few dates with but hadn’t fully allowed herself to open up to. she had been with guys who had found out about her past and had flaked. it was better to just keep her walls up and have fun, nothing more than that.

she opened the door, a soft but confused smile spreading across her lips as she glanced down at the collegiate sweatshirt and black leggings she had on. “ oh . . . hey. sorry, i wasn’t expecting company . . . ”

CLOSE TO YOU MEME // no longer accepting ( unless reblogged later )

#⟨ QUINN FABRAY ⟩ / * interactions .#⟨ QUINN & TROY ⟩ / * boltns .#boltns #answered #pregnancy mention //

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thewrongexecution · 4 years

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thinkin’ ‘bout final fantasy

I go by Not The Author for exactly the reason that I ain’t no expert on any given work of fiction, but I do like to make connections what make me seem smart: an illusion, haphazardly crafted by incident accident and supplemented by precocious pretentiousness. All the same, here are some fun thoughts I had that you might also enjoy!

I do have a point, that I do get to. I feel like I should say that ahead of time, all things considered. Like, I can appreciate if you can’t appreciate a shaggy dog story? But there is a point to all this.

...Eventually.

Spoiler Warning:

Final Fantasies 1, 6, 7, 7R, 13 and 15

Content Warning:

Discussion of death

Cussin’

Length warning:

5621 words

13 sections

16 digressions

Let’s dig in.

- - - - -

Final Fantasy 1 was not my first Final Fantasy experience, but I think it was the first I ever played by myself? The remaster for the GBA, came bundled with FF2 on the same cart, which I played briefly but did not complete and do not remember, except that it had Cid.

FF1 doesn’t have a Cid, but I really loved the narrative anyway, straightforward as it was, because it was very specifically about spitting in the face of an uncaring god who would doom the world for a laugh. Take these chains that bind us to darkness and, though we be forgot to history, strangle with them that selfsame darkness to bring an end to its tyranny.

((it is a terrible curse, to love time travel. so many grand expectations, so few ever met. play ghost trick, chrono trigger, radiant historia, majora’s mask, outer wilds. have you any recs yourself, lemme know! I digress.

((I digress a lot, as I may have mentioned. they’ll be noted in parenthetical, like this.))

This is the foundation upon which Final Fantasy is built, and while any student of architecture could tell you of many and varied perfectly valid construction techniques, it resonates. Grappling with an immutable past to course-correct an uncaring future is, too, an apt description of personal growth; a theme as universal as being alive. And I, as an impressionable youth, ate that shit up.

((I assume I was young, at any rate. my love for time travel, be it era-spanning or moment-stretching, is, I suspect, not entirely coincidental to my terrible temporal memory.))

And that was the tale of the studio, too. Final Fantasy was so titled because, the story goes, the developers knew they would shutter if it didn’t make bank. Staring your imminent demise in the face, knowing your fate is doom, and giving it your all, all the same.

And then they made another twelve, plus two-and-a-half MMOs, and god knows how many mobile games and spin-offs, and now the Fantasy is that there could ever be a Final one. so say I: life parodies art.

((the half-an-MMO is FF14 1.0, which no longer exists and is a fascinating tale, a rally against bleak futures all its own. I’ll [link] Noclip’s three-part documentary covering the developer’s side of things, because that’s the one I’ve seen. there’s plenty other material to hunt down, though, if you wanna.))

- - - - -

Final Fantasy VII is a game about fate, too. Particularly Death, that most ultimate of fates. Tragic, to be sure; preventable, or at least delayable, in many cases; necessary, at times, for the growth of something new.

Unrelenting. Unstoppable. Inescapable.

Death, and the fights against it, take many forms. There are the fascist death squads that hunt down your ragtag band and any dissent against their cruel masters, but these will only truly stop by cutting off the hydra’s head and building an entirely new society; eight dudes and their dog, faced with a corporate private military, can survive but never win. There are such disasters as do slay that hydra, be they natural or man-made. There’s the space alien and the apocalypse it ushers. There’s literal illness and injury, physical or otherwise. There are the deaths of loved ones, friends and family, that lead to some subtler deaths within those that survive them. The deaths of relationships, by neglect or abandonment. The ideological deaths we inflict on ourselves, accepting ever-growing lesser evils in the name of some impossible ideal.

Every day, the person we were becomes the person we are, and soon, the person we are will give way to someone new, and this, too, is a sort of death. In this sense, we tally Cloud’s deaths at least five: failure to become a Soldier and rebirth in shame, the massacre of Nibelheim and rebirth in grief, arrival at Midgar and rebirth in delusion, his cratering at the Crater and rebirth in nihilism, and his death and rebirth in the Lifestream of Mideel.

((you could prolly hunt down another two if you wanna be cheeky, but I lack the knowledge, motive and patience. frankly, this whole thing is to create a leading line of logic and probably isn’t, uh. academically ethical? or whatever the term is. I’m not necessarily wrong, but I’m definitely scuttling nuance. oh well!))

Now, I say “rebirth,” because that’s how deaths of identity more-or-less work. There’s usually some new identity waiting in the wings to take over. And rebirth is itself a notable theme, inasmuch as it is one outcome of death. But death is oft more final than that, and what people do in its imminence and wake is key here, too. Wutai’s collapse into an insular tourist trap. Avalanche’s vengeful fervor, in general and post-plate drop. Bugenhagen trying to pass his knowledge on to Red. The whole party’s ongoing post-traumatic depressive episodes.

Ultimately, death is the inescapable fate of all things. It’s what we do, in light of that, that makes us who we are.

- - - - -

Final Fantasies 13 and 15 are the only modern Final Fantasies I’ve beaten, and I bring them up because both deal very prominently with fate and death, and as Square’s most recent mainline FF titles, Remake can’t exist without comparison to them. Here’s what I remember:

Final Fantasy 13 was a game I enjoyed. The stagger system mixed up my casual FF tradition of Get The Big Numbers by putting a prominent UI element onscreen that says You Can’t Get The Big Numbers Unless The Bar Is Full. Suddenly there’s a natural-but-enforced ebb and flow to combat built in, where you gotta juggle chip damage, survival, and crowd control while keeping resources enough to burst down a staggered foe, but maintain situational awareness to swap back into survival mode if you’re not gonna down your enemy, all in something close to real-time. Very obviously a direct precursor to the combat of Remake. I didn’t realize the depth of it, but it was still super fun.

People at the time didn’t like the linearity of the game and, I can see that in retrospect? I think it’s closer to, there weren’t breakpoints, there wasn’t variety. It was cutscenes, combat, and the stretches of land between them; the only real thing for the brain to get a workout on was the combat, and eating only one kinda food is gonna make that food taste bland.

((I didn’t mind, but I like idle games, and, also probably had depression around then. Take that how you will.))

The story, though, I loved. You got your uncaring gods forcing mortals to do their increasingly-impossible bidding, cursing them to agonized unlife if they take too long, and with blissful, beautiful death if they succeed. It sucks! And here you have a ragtag band of incidental idiots trying to rebel against a system that, actually, wants them to? Like that’s the plan? Have mortals kill god and summon the devil to destroy all life, because god, doesn’t.... like life anymore?

((The lore gets more than a little impenetrable, and I remember bouncing off it a couple times. The throughline of God Sucks And Makes Zombies was good though.))

The biblical parallels are obvious, and if they weren’t, the final boss’ design will clue you in, god that’s a good design. hang on I can add pictures and already tossed a spoiler warning, here, look at this:

(per the Final Fantasy Fandom Wiki [X])

That’s literally The Holy Trinity But A Sword The Size Of A Building. It’s perfect.

Anyway, I love this game, because the heroes win, which is what God wants, so in winning, they lose, as was fated to be, right? Fuck All That, say the lesbians from space australia, as they turn into satan and, as satan, stop God’s shitty metal moon from crashing into space australia and destroying all life.

((this awakened something in me, though, as is becoming a theme, I wasn’t aware of it at the time. actually hold up I’m gonna rewatch that sequence.

((yeah okay wow on review that was aggressively cheesy and had a whole bunch of weird emotional whiplash that just leaves a super-bad aftertaste. I don’t really like it as an experience, but big bazonga lesbian satan with arms for hair is still a look-and-a-half.))

The whole thing is not entirely unlike if meteor was also Midgar, and there’s more than a few points where I went, hang on, are they trying to evoke 7 here? “Lightning” is ex-military and bad at emotions, Sazh is a black dad w/ guns and emotional trauma and I love him, quirky pink healer girl who might be an alien is here, the game starts on a train and leads into a robot bug fight; obviously it’s not one-to-one but the connections are there for a brain like mine to make, and only more prominent for the fact that FF7 was the more satisfying game.

((I cannot speak to 13-2 or -3; 13-2 was fun up until the enemies were abruptly 30 levels higher than me, more or less a mandate by the game for me to do all the side content, which I was not on-board with. I skipped 13-3 entirely, especially when I learned the whole game is on a timer. did not and do not need that stress in my life.))

- - - - -

But okay, FF13 was “too linear” and wasn’t doing super great. Enter Final Fantasy Versus 13, by which I mean enter Final Fantasy 15 actually, we don’t need any more of this 13 crap. And once again, I enjoyed it! ...Right up until it was bad.

Final Fantasy 15 was not a finished game, and we know this for certain now, because all its DLC was to make it a finished game. At the time, though, there was uncomfortable and inconsistent story pacing, only one playable character, relatively sparse combat mechanics... but it was open-world, and hey, that’s what you wanted, right? open, non-linear environments? I picked it up because, Teleporting Swordsman With a Motorcycle Sword. I am of simple pleasures, and those are they.

Of the little I remember, one point that’s stuck with me is the sequence following the Leviathan fight. See, we’ve been talking about fate and destiny and how Final Fantasy likes to spite them. Here in 15, our main man Noctis doesn’t want the destiny he’s been burdened with, to Become The King and Save The World from the Coming Darkness, or whatever. He’d really rather be doing, anything else? like hanging out with his buddies or actually getting married or, I dunno, grieving the death of his father. Nope! You don’t get to do that. Go find the ghost armaments of your dead ancestors so you can ~saaave the wooorld!~ I would have been in college around then, so, eminently relatable.

Now, on this journey, you meet a guy called Ardyn. He’s the sort of character that was built as an attack on me personally: sleazy, charming, possessing airs of casual familiarity with people he’s never met, kinda helps you out in tight spots, and also, by the way, vizier to the empire that killed your dad and wants you and your friends dead too. But not in the “secret good guy” way, he just likes fucking with you! he’s perfect.

Right up until the Leviathan fight.

See, Lunafreya, your betrothed--

((I’m so mad about this stupid, stupid garbage. I love Lunafreya on principle, but the game doesn’t bother to give her screentime. you only ever hear about her incidentally, which can be cool if you then meet the character and get to compare/contrast what you’ve heard, but the initial release only has her show up for this one chapter, and your party doesn’t really get to interact with her that much.))

Your betrothed is here and she’s some symbol of the peoples’ hope, right? she’s got light magic or something, and can actually commune with the gods. the gods are on your side, but you can’t actually understand a word they say, but she can, and that’s sick as hell. anyway.

You lose the fight against Leviathan, because you’re a shitty emo teen who doesn’t know how to use your ghost swords, and she got beat up earlier when Levi got all pissy at being summoned. And then Ardyn shows up in his magitek dropship.

Now earlier, Ardyn had Luna as his captive, completely at his mercy, and right now, he who would be king of kings, destined to save the world from darkness, is clutching at rock in a hurricane, beaten, wounded and dying.

Of the two, which do you think he stabs to death?

if you thought, “the protagonist, which will allow him to win, and subvert Final Fantasy’s themes of defying fate by having the villain be the one to do it, forcing everyone else to scramble for some alternate solution and deal with the fallout,” congratulations! You win disappointment, because that idea’s cool as hell and they didn’t. fucking. Do it.

((Ardyn, before this, had given me major Kefka vibes, and thinking on it now, the world descending into darkness in the 15 we never had could have played with even deeper parallels to FF6... but I never played 6, and that FF15 doesn’t exist, so... I’ll leave that analysis to better scholars.))

now, with the benefit of hindsight, that was never going to happen. too long in development hell, game had to ship, had no time or budget for mid-game upheaval. but at the time? made me lose any interest I had in Ardyn, made me mad at the developers for passing up on fulfilling the themes their series had explored in past, made me almost stop playing the game. I’m still mad about it for crying out loud!

((thinking about it gets me tensed up, coiled, with that sort of full-body thrum that’s best conveyed with letters that jitter around. best I can do here is bold italics, but it doesn’t have the right energy. it’s a fleeting feeling, but when it’s here? god. given the men that wrote this scene I would fight all of them and win.

((inhale...

((exhale...

((and move on.))

We, the player, never really meet Luna, so there’s no real... impact, no substance to it. It’s sad, but impersonal. villain kills damsel to inflict manpain on hero. that’s it. we’ve seen this song and dance before.

But kill Noctis? The character the player’s been controlling all this time, who they know intimately? Now it’s personal. Now your party members’ grief is a mirror to your own. And now you get to play as Luna, maybe? give the game time to flesh her out, have her bond with your old companions over their shared grief, and maybe use her connections and public speaking skills to rally the people of the world, in a perhaps-vain attempt to resist the oncoming darkness, while simultaneously using that public-facingness to drive her to hide her own fear and hopelessness...? That’s a complex character ripe for drama and tragedy right there! And then her, at the head of a story about people coming together to solve a global calamity themselves, rather than await their appointed savior?

Even then, but especially now... You can see the appeal, right?

- - - - -

Lemme step back and zoom out for a moment, because there’s one more kind of Fate to discuss before I finalize my thesis. Yes, I promise, there is a point besides being mad at FF15, this is still ultimately about Remake. Bear with me a little longer.

See, Remake’s premise is that it’s not quite FF7, but that itself is predicated on Remake being essentially FF7. Certain things must be in the Remake series, or it will cease to be the Final Fantasy 7 Remake series. The developers have gone on record saying as much, that they’ll still cover the thrust of the original, and that makes a lot of sense from a development standpoint. Building on an existing framework saves loads of time, and lets them focus on details as they have in Remake.

((I think they've already set up an in-universe justification for this, too. The party may have defeated the Whispers at Midgar, but the Whispers are the will of the planet. The only way to truly defeat them would be to defeat the planet itself, which: kind of the goal of the villains!

((a bit ironic, because the villains are the Whispers’ means to keep manipulating events. Remake backends a very large portion of the plot, and I don’t think Rufus seeing the Whispers is a throwaway detail. The party chases Sephiroth by chasing Shinra in the original, so even if the party has shaken free of the direct influence of the Whispers, manipulating Shinra should in turn manipulate the party.

((on top of which, Rufus prizes power, and the power to change or control fate-- something both the party and Sephiroth have seized-- would be as enticing as anything.))

But this begs the question: How much of Final Fantasy 7 is necessary before it stops being Final Fantasy 7? Do you need all nine characters? The Weapons? Rideable chocobo? Breedable chocobo? What about locations? Can you drop the Gold Saucer? or Mount Condor? or Mideel? How many minigames am I holding up? These are necessary questions, but so is this:

“Would a one-to-one recreation of the original game have the same emotional impact as when it released, twenty-three years ago?”

- - - - -

Now, the phrase “emotional impact” is necessarily kind of nebulous and subjective, so lemme dig into that a little bit.

The first significant chunk of the original FF7 takes place entirely in Midgar, which is one huge city. Every screen is densely packed; movement is typically constrained to narrow corridors and industrial crawlspaces. The whole world is deeply claustrophobic and visually hostile, by design.

This is FF7 for the first few hours, before a motorcycle chase deposits you outside city limits, and then... you hit the world map, and everything changes. The world is rendered in three whole dimensions, now! (Then, a technological marvel in its own right.) There’s a sky! There’s a horizon! Grass, mountains, the ocean!

Boundless, terrifying freedom.

From a mechanical standpoint, there’s only one real destination, an A-to-B with random encounters before a small enclosure with an inn and shops, no real change from what you’ve already been doing. But the mood? Everything’s fresh and new, now. Everything’s an unknown.

So, how do we do that again, two-and-a-half decades on?

Let’s say, something like this: Remake 2 starts with Cloud and Sephiroth en route to Nibelheim. For new players, this provides immediate intrigue: why are these mortal enemies hanging out in a truck? how did they get here, where are they going? For veterans, it’s familiar: oh, we’re in the flashback sequence.

For both, it provides mechanical familiarity. We just finished last game hanging out in Midgar, a bunch of town squares with shops and cutscenes connected to hazardous corridors. Well, Nibelheim’s a town with shops and cutscenes, connected to a monster-filled anthill and capped with a reactor. We know this. We’ve done this. We can do this again.

And when the flashback ends, we’re in Kalm. Another town, maybe with sidequests this time; Midgar looming in the distant skybox as a reminder of how far we’ve come.

And then you leave Kalm, and the camera zooms out, and out, and out...

Remake is essentially 7, and you can’t have the impact of 7′s world map reveal if Remake isn’t functionally open-world too. Square has plenty of experience with open environments, however successful their more recent attempts have been; I’m confident that the have the ability, at least, to craft an expansive world that feels appropriate to FF7.

((I’d like to take a moment here to talk about FF14, which mixes both compact twisty dungeons and wide-open overworld zones, and is necessarily wildly successful to still be operating as an MMO... but though I have played it briefly, I don’t claim knowledge sufficient to go in-depth. The point is, Square not only can make a game like that, they have, and are, and apparently possess non-zero competency. I have worries, but I’m not worried, if that makes sense.))

So, can you recreate a given kind of emotional impact? Yeah!

Can scenes from the original Final Fantasy 7 be rendered into a new context, more-or-less as they were? Absolutely!

Would a one-to-one recreation of the original game have the same emotional impact as when it released, twenty-three years ago?

- - - - -

Aerith dies.

If you opened this post and didn’t know that, well. There were spoiler warnings up at the top, the game’s more than two decades old, and the spoiler itself is basically a piece of pop-culture, up there with space dad and wizard killer. There’re probably plenty of people who know next-to-nothing about Final Fantasy 7 except that Aerith dies.

Everyone knows because, at the time, it was so big a thing. This was a title that Square hyped to heaven and back to push JRPGs into mainstream western markets, and it worked. And this was before major death was so common and arbitrary as it is today; even now, Game of Thrones and its ilk are a relative rarity. The death of a protagonist or love interest wasn’t a new thing for games, or any media really, but usually you knew it was coming, or it served some purpose. Aerith’s death was sudden, arbitrary, you’re almost immediately thrown into a boss fight so you don’t even have time to process it right away, and it’s the first stone in an avalanche of other pointless arbitrary tragedy. It’s an obvious narrative setup for the endgame confrontation with Sephiroth; instead, Cloud has a breakdown, Meteor happens, and now there’s an entire Disk 2.

Fandom has always been fandom, even before the continuous immediacy of the modern internet, but... people wrote letters to Square, and got sad on message boards. There’s an entire subset of forum signatures, back when those were a thing, that you could sort as “people fucked up over Aerith dying.” And again, this was the world. Not just Japan, or Asia, but everyone.

((Or, everyone with the finances to have a PS2 and/or an internet connection. Gaming as a pastime remains way expensive, whether played or watched. But you know how it is.))

And that’s the problem with answering that question.

See, FF7 is a lot of things, but for better or worse, it is defined by Aerith’s death. It’s one of many factors, but you can’t... leave it out, right? or it wouldn’t be FF7 anymore.

Aerith dies in FF7, and everyone knows it.

- - - - -

But Remake has promised, repeatedly, that things will be different this time. Everyone is coming together to defy fate, and Cloud in particular is here to keep Aerith from dying. Bodyguard jokes aside, Cloud repeatedly has flashbacks (flashforwards?) to Aerith’s death and the events leading to it. When he meets her in the church, when they cross into Sector 6, twice in the final battle. Hell, the very first time they meet, Sephiroth taunts him about not being able to save her. Even from a metatextual standpoint, since everyone knows Aerith dies, that’s like, The Most Obvious Fate To Change.

If, after all that, Aerith still dies? It’s not just tragedy, at that point. That’s the developers, actively lying to the player about their intent in making this game series. That’s frustrating, and immersion-breaking, and when said death is likely to still have one or more entire sequels to come after? maybe not great for sales! I know I didn’t bother buying the complete edition of FF15; I couldn’t bring myself to care enough about a game that set up this cool possibility, and then just, failed to deliver on every count.

And, Remake is being made for two audiences. I’ve said “everybody knows Aerith dies,” but that’s not really true, is it? It’s been 23 years, after all. Remake could well be someone’s very first Final Fantasy experience. That’s why they’ve been telegraphing Aerith’s death so hard. Not everyone knows, but at least everyone can guess. Is it fair, then, to this new audience, with potentially no knowledge or understanding of the legacy of this flashy new action game, to foreshadow tragedy in the future, have everyone come together to say, We’re Going To Stop This, and then... not? Is that good writing? Is that satisfying? When this is a multi-game and potentially multi-console investment of time and money, is this, as a newcomer, a story you’d want to keep playing?

And then on top of that, it’s 2020.

I don’t mean that in the current-year-fallacy, “we’re better than this now” kind of way. Rather, the way I felt about Final Fantasy 15 is even more relevant now. People, in real life, are realizing that the powers-that-be are failing them, have failed them, have been failing them for far longer than twenty-three years. The people that already knew that are actually showing up for each other, to spite what felt and feels like inescapable fate and finding that, together, they might just be able to ruin God’s day.

Game development is, of course, its own whole beast, and projects in motion tend to stay in motion; deviating from a plan takes time and money that Square may be unwilling to spend. But, under current world circumstances: is making a game where the hero sets out to save one specific person from their fated death, and following that with a game where that one specific person dies anyway, aside from everything else, a good business decision?

- - - - -

So... Aerith, shouldn’t die, right...? But, FF7 requires Meteor, and so requires the Temple of the Ancients and the Black Materia. And, Meteor can only be stopped by Holy, so FF7 requires the Forgotten City.

FF7 is a tragedy. FF7 demands blood.

...Hey, actually, hold that thought. How come Cloud can remember Aerith dying in the first place? He’s not from the future, right? He’s got a connection to Sephiroth, who is from the future... and Sephiroth can manipulate his memories...? but, why would Sephiroth let him, or make him, remember that?

Hey, how come Zack is alive, but like, in the “narrative scope” sense? Wouldn’t his presence circumvent Cloud’s delusions about the Nibelheim incident?

Hey, how come Cloud had multiple big climactic Sephiroth confrontations at what’s essentially the end of the prologue, including one that mirrors the very end of the original FF7? Shouldn’t that still come at, like, you know. the end?

Hey, how come--

- - - - -

Remake has these... Callbacks? Refrains? Like my favorite, when Sephiroth throws a train-- you know, The Fate Metaphor-- at Cloud, who absolutely shreds the thing. Or, for a more direct example:

And it frequently uses these to show that people are changing, that things can change. You know, the whole Running Theme the game has going on.

Sephiroth gets a refrain, too.

At the start of the game (give or take a reactor), in his first real appearance, Sephiroth philosophizes at Cloud, makes sure Cloud hates him, and tells Cloud what he wants.

At the end of the game, in his last appearance, Sephiroth philosophizes at Cloud, tells Cloud what he wants, and makes sure Cloud hates him.

Structurally, these encounters more-or-less bookend the game; thematically, it doesn’t exactly indicate change. Barret may or may not have come around on Cloud, and his admission that Cloud is important to him after all is, itself, important. Cloud, on the other hand, was always going to defy Sephiroth. He stands resolute, now, ready to fight rather than flee, but apathy was never on the table.

Now, Sephiroth’s whole Thing is psychologically manipulating Cloud to get what he wants, and as part of that, what Sephiroth wants is usually not what he says he wants.

All throughout the original FF7, Sephiroth riled up Cloud so that Cloud would pursue and defy him, culminating first in the Black Materia incident, and then again in the Forgotten City. None of the Sephiroth clones could survive the trip through the Northern Crater, so Sephiroth had to lure Cloud, with the Black Materia, to him, and then also convince Cloud to give up the Black Materia of his own accord. Mind control, memory manipulation and illusions were involved, but if Sephiroth could maintain those indefinitely, he probably just. Would have done that instead. Way easier,

The point is, in Remake, in addition to all the intermittent retraumitization sprinkled throughout the game, Sephiroth goes out of his way twice to directly ask Cloud, “hey, you hate me, right?” And, as part of that question, he tells Cloud, “this is what I want.” And Cloud? He hates Sephiroth, and will do his damnedest to keep Sephiroth from getting what he wants.

So. What does Sephiroth... say he wants?

- - - - -

One last aside before we cap off: This post would not exist without the valiant efforts of one Maximilian_dood. His devotion to the series kept myself and many others engaged and excited and, frankly, hopeful, in the leadup to the release of Remake, and his correlations between the rest of the FF7 series and Remake were enlightening and entertaining.

and had he not the gall to identify defying fate as a device to make aerith’s death more tragic, I would never have been angry enough to write this.

((I know, I know. Gaming and streaming and lit analysis are all hard individually, and I don’t begrudge losing one for the other two. And it was a first playthrough! I might have seen these lines sooner than some, but collating all this info was certainly not instantaneous. And Square can be hack writers at times-- see again my rant on FF15-- so even then, I can’t discount the possibility.

((but, still.

((Really?))

So, while I would like to believe that I have, by now, made my thesis on Remake’s narrative direction abundantly clear, here it is spelled out anyway:

- - - - -

At the bottom of the Forgotten City, at the shrine on the pillar in the lake, Cloud will find Aerith, who believes her fate immutable.

Sephiroth will descend, and Cloud will sacrifice himself, that Aerith should live.

This is Sephiroth’s plan.

- - - - -

Hey, thanks for reading this far! With my conversational tone and rambling tendencies, I’d have preferred to make this an audio post or, god forbid, a video essay, but I got a keyboard, and that’ll have to do. Diction is important to me, as the capitalization, italics and use of punctuation may have clued you in on, so... maybe you’ll get a dramatic reading sometime in the future? but, don’t bet on it.

Feel free to riddle me with questions, or point out inconsistencies with this big ol’ thing! I’m not exactly an expert, and I’m sure I glossed over, heavily paraphrased, completely forgot, intentionally ignored and/or aggressively misrepresented some stuff, but I love learning and teaching esoteric bullshit about The Vijigams. On that note, anything that sounds like it should be sourced is sourced from “I heard about it on social media or in a stream or youtube video one time, but if I actually had to hunt it down this whole thing would never see the light of day, and it has already been like three months,” which isn’t to excuse my lack of due diligence, but I do, lack diligence, so, tough.

Oh! but the Remake screens all come from [here]. Don’t care much for that splash screen, but, I Get It, so, whatever.

There were some other things I wanted to touch on but couldn’t really find a spot for. FF7 Remake as a metaphor for its own development, for example. Or, some of The Possibilities, like how Cloud’s death could very literally haunt Aerith, or how Remake sets up a more fleshed-out Midgar revisit that Cloud’s death specifically would make infinitely sadder.

On that note, if it was not yet obvious, I love speculation, and if they do go this direction, it’ll probably be their justification to go completely... off the rails? Remake only has to be FF7 until it doesn’t, after all. If there’s some wilder implications youall see for like... I dunno, a Jenova more fully-regenerated from also having Cloud’s cells back, getting into proper Kaiju-on-Kaiju battles with the Weapons, or anything like that? Feed me your brain juice, etc.

And, once more, for the road: this is interpretation; subjective, opinionated, and very much in denial of any kind of author-ity. Nor is this a claim on how things should be, or an assertion that this would be good or bad. Everything ultimately rests on Square's narrative design team and, we’ve touched on them already.

((but, for your consideration: I’m smart, and right))

Here’s hoping, whatever happens, we get the game we deserve.

thanks for coming to my ted talk, have a great day

#In This Essay I Will but for real this time #but hell if that's stopped me before #ff7 remake #blatant speculation #ff7 remake spoilers #ff7 spoilers #ff13 spoilers #ff15 spoilers #I dip into spoiler territory on more but these ones get a deeper dive #also if any of y'all know how to get images screen-read-able please lemme know #the screenshots are to point out that the game itself does do these things #but I don't wanna content-lock anybody out of my bad garbage #also also if the wordcount didn't clue you in:#long post #posting this right now immediately listening

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immawritethat · 5 years

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Missed Connections

(Somewhat connected to this piece I half-wrote last year and have been thinking about since) Anyhow, this the workshop draft of a short story I wrote for class, and I just think it’s v neat and wanted to share!

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Dolores Lopez spent much of her free time inside museums, but today she was here with a purpose. The building was much younger than many of its contents—an oblong Art Deco styled building, trimmed with golds and chevron and all those other lovely elegant things. The atrium stretched to the full height of the building, dwarfing all patrons as if to say “You are inferior in the grand scheme of history; there may be no one to tell your tale lest ye gain the wealth and notoriety seen here!”

Or perhaps Dolores was simply projecting.

The first time she’d visited this particular museum was in the second grade, back when she wore her dark brown hair in two simple plaits—well, until two of the boys in class decided a few months later it was a stroke of comic genius to cut one off with a pair of scissors during class—back when her complexion still held a rich, golden undertone to it instead of a sickly yellow tinge, and back before she had to squint through thick, round glasses that later had her teased for looking far too much like an owl. It was so long ago she couldn’t remember exactly what they had been there to study—maybe something about the Native Americans or Columbus or vaqueros, but that wasn’t what made an impact.

She remembered, once they had been given time to look about the museum freely, taking one glance at an old World War II nurse’s uniform from the travelling exhibit and bursting into tears. A grief she had never been introduced to flooded forth, having seen no death in her lifetime, and pulled her underneath its tide. Something had been sitting inside her, buried deep underneath everything she knew of herself. The chaperone overseeing her had ended up taking her outside to calm down, asking what had happened. She had never quite been able to explain it, and lied that her stomach hurt when pressed for an answer.

As she aged, Dolores noticed more and more of her life out of the ordinary.

There were the vivid dreams, showing flashes of lives both mundane and horrific. They varied in topic, but often continued on at some point or another, as though a new episode had finally aired. Sometimes there were flickering shadows of a cobblestone hearth, and other times the sparking battlefields on the edge of the Euphrates. The most common ones brought Dolores into a living room decorated with floral wallpaper, a gramophone playing a song she later discovered was Vera Lynn’s “We’ll Meet Again.” In some dreams, she sat with another girl, a few years older, playing with rag dolls whose threads unraveled and only just remained stitched together so they wouldn’t have to hear the wailing of an upset child. In others, they were older, seated beside the radio, listening to whatever the statesman had to say on the state of drought and war and the economy.

Sometimes she sat alone, patching up old skirts and trousers, with little more than the hum of the wind to bring her company.

Only now was she beginning to understand what those dreams meant.

“Dolly Lopez?” The silvery voice came from behind Dolores, along with a gentle tap on the shoulder, pulling her focus back to the present. She turned, and an aged tension lifted from her body. Remington Siegel stood half a foot taller than her, dressed in a rather interesting combination of neon prints which stood out even more against his dark skin, looking nothing like the person that she had missed, but feeling every bit the same.

Dolores swiped the tears from her face, clearing her throat to compose herself. “You kept me waiting,” she said.

“I never meant to.” Remy put his arms across her shoulders, pulling her into an awkward side-hug. “Should we sit somewhere? Or is there an exhibit you’re fond of?” He paused for a moment, face screwed up with thought. “You weren’t the one with a stamp collection, were you?”

Dolores scrunched her nose. “I don’t remember much, but I definitely don’t remember that.”

Remy only shrugged. “Another lifetime, then. It’s tough to keep them all separated, you know.”

Dolores’s gaze fell down to the messenger bag hanging from his shoulder, stuffed with loose, crumpled papers on the verge of falling out. The weight of the binder in her arms seemed to double.

“Maybe the café?” He suggested, in hopes of breaking the silence. “It was a long flight from Newcastle, and I haven’t eaten much since—too busy trying to get a hold of myself.”

“Of course! Sorry, I got lost in my own head.” Dolores stepped to the side, gesturing forward. “Honestly, I’m just still a bit shocked you’re really here—five months of Twitter DMs and now? Bam! You’re just…here.”

“Well, that’s one of the many plusses of being the only grandchild of wealthy grandparents—they’re willing to spoil me at the drop of a hat. Well, that and I have spent far more time doing this.” He gestured his bag forward. “Maybe I’m not half as organized, but I’ve got it mostly-kinda-sorta figured out. Seeing me in action should help you out a lot.”

Dolores nodded, offering a soft mm-hm, but her eyes were clouded and far off. He hadn’t brought it up. She knew they had talked about it plenty through their messages, but it felt strange to not mention it. Wrong, even. But this was the third time he’d done this—he’d even approached her about it all. Maybe there was some taboo about it she was unaware of.

Maybe it didn’t mean as much to him.

She listened to Remy ramble on about his research methods preferred databases through the halls, around the line of the café, and even for the first few minutes seated at the table. She asked questions from time to time, but ones which were only half engaged—Oh really? How long did that take? How did you come up with that? She spent far more time shouting in her own head to get over her worries and ask something with more meaning.

“You’re dying to ask something.” It was a statement, rather than a question, delivered between a mouthful of muffin and a sip of tea. “The hesitant look in your eyes—go on, don’t be shy. I didn’t come all the way out here to buy five dollar muffins and be half-listened to.”

Dolores averted her gaze, focusing on the instead on a photo of an aged Victorian doctor, apparently one of Remy’s most notable memories, who looked up at her with a stern warning to mind her words carefully. She wiggled the straw in her tea aimlessly. “No, no, I’m alright!” She forced out a laugh, the way she had practiced on plenty of bad dates throughout plenty of lifetimes. “I’m just a little—”

“Look, Dolly—If you tell me you’re star-struck again, I’ll just have to ask you what’s wrong and that’s never a fun conversation.”

Dolores took in a short breath and sighed, deflating in her chair. “I was just…hoping maybe we could talk a little more about…” She pressed her lips together, failing to hold back her true thoughts. “Us? What we were, what we went through. I mean, God, it’s hard enough to find someone who remembers at all, let alone someone you shared that history with! Let’s talk about the fact that you were Betty and I was Judith and that we’re only seeing each other again now nearly eighty-goddamned-years later in two totally different bodies and from two totally different places!”

Ceramic clinked against the table. Dolores pulled her fist back towards her chest, face flushed from her outburst. She hadn’t meant to get that worked up, hadn’t meant to hit the table.

Remy leaned back in his chair, stretching out his long legs, and drew out a sigh. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment, frowned, and then fixed his gaze back on Dolores. “You know that fun little saying War is hell? It’s not too far off.”

Dolores scooted her chair closer to the table, so that her belly pressed against the cool laminate. She hunched forward, so that he wouldn’t have to speak any louder than was required between the two of them.

“I try not to remember being Betty. I know you remember a lot of the good things, but you were the little sister. It was my job to make things seem fun and happy for you, even when Dad lost his job during the Depression and when the neighbors started getting shipped off left and right when the war started.” Remy paused. He suddenly found the particular soda stains on the floor particularly interesting, and focused his gaze there. “I know I signed up to be an Army Nurse because I was exhausted playing nanny for you. You were thirteen, I figured you’d be fine if I was gone for a bit. I could see the world, and meet some boys.”

He let out a whistle, low and long, like the groan of a dropped bomb. “Boy, oh boy did I meet plenty. You see things you couldn’t imagine happen to a human body treating a warzone. They kept me with diseases, mostly, not trauma.”

Dolores nodded. She knew how the story ended—Betty had contracted TB, died before the war even ended, and left her sister—had left her—without so much as a final goodbye.

Remy shrugged his shoulders, and returned to his previous position. “I’d love to say I remembered the good things, Dolly, but I’ve got all the ugly. Well, mostly.” He pulled an envelope from his bag, yellowed with time and creased with deep wrinkles. “I barely remember writing it, but I guess it was never posted. It was found in a box with some other nurse’s stuff, some old friend of mine—er, Betty’s—who’d passed, apparently.”

Dolores’s hands shook. It was so worn it had become soft, and the half-finished address was hardly legible at this point. “And it was definitely from…?”

Remy nodded. “It’s yours. Sorry it took so long to get here. But, hey, look at it this way: we got to say hello again instead of goodbye.”

Dolores’s lips quirked up into a smile. She left the envelope closed, and placed it inside her binder for later. She’d waited for it this long, anyway. “Hello is much nicer than goodbye, isn’t it?”

#my writing #original writing #speculative fiction #modern fantasy writing #tw death #tw disease #tw war mention

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martykirkby · 4 years

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Any holby or casualty episodes you’d recommend rewatching? Idm how old, thanks :)

(i’m gonna put this under a read more bc it got way longer than i intended it too and you didn’t even ask for descriptions i’m just incapable of being concise ever sorry! i bolded the titles so you don’t have to read it all)

okay so it depends what characters you care about, bc my answers would be different based on who your faves are, so these are my faves to rewatch (but will probs be super biased towards my fave characters)! obvs i’m not saying watch all of them (unless you want to) but i’ve included reasons why i like them so you can decide based on what you enjoy.

holby (i’ve only watched from s16 with a little of s15 and s6 so it’s gonna start there):

intuition (16x11)- dom’s first episode back after his guest stint, and adele’s first ep! this is the first episode i watched when i started watching holby properly bc i was impatient and wanted to get to the dom scenes so i haven’t watched most of the s16 episodes before it but i would probably say watch 16x10 as well bc that’s when jac gives birth and this ep has a lot of scenes about her and emma.

prince among men (16x16)- raf’s first ep in which he’s v v iconic and also i love dom, zosia and arthur and frustrated mentor sacha and there’s that woman who’s like in love with a mummy until she finds out it was a female mummy. also jac and emma!!

one small step (16x42)- again i LOVE the keller trio, this is the first ep where they really bond even if it’s over a super traumatic experience w zosia. and connie crosses over for the first time since she joined casualty, which i rlly liked.

star of wonder (17x10)- a really important episode for zosia’s character and her bipolar sl! also i like christmas episodes

the ides of march (17x32)- another big ep for zosia and the one where she decides to move to darwin

beautiful (17x45)- dom taking a level students on a tour of the hospital and bonding w one of them and quoting that christina aguilera song... i love him

at first i was afraid (17x50)- dom and arthur roadtrip! the karaoke scene! frieda as a patient! elliot’s exit ft some really nice scenes w him and jac!

left behind (18x05)- i just really like all three storylines, i’ve rewatched the mo and wiliam sl a few times just bc i like mo and this ep is the last one of that sl and it’s my fave of them, and you can watch it as a standalone if you already know what’s happened in the eps beforehand.

blue christmas (18x11)- the only one i’ve seen where jac’s past is rlly talked about bc it’s the one where fran reveals they know each other. apart from that it is just a nice christmas ep and i really like all the other storylines going on.

young hearts, run free (18x13)- the ep where dom arthur and morven have to do some scavenger hunt thing in the woods!! and dom has a chicken called henriketta!! that’s reason enough to watch it 500 times tbh

one under (18x21)- for some reason arthur’s patient sl haunts me, but i think it is a rlly good (but sad) ep for arthur as he comes to terms with his cancer test

it tolls for thee (18x31)- arthur and morven’s wedding and i love them

i’ll walk you home (18x35)- arthur’s last ep (as not a figment of someone’s imagination) and it’s devastating but the episode is so so well done and i watch it whenever i need to cry

another day in paradise, parts one and two (18x38 and 18x39)- i just really like all the different storylines in these eps, the patient sl is like. wild and there’s focus on jac being a mother and dom’s grief and sacha and essie i just rlly like them

protect and serve (18x47)- this is the one after the helicopter crash in casualty so i always watch it after watching that one. it’s a good episode that focuses more on the characters than the storylines and i love the crossovers too.

i do, i do, i do (19x13)- an episode in which a main character’s daughter dies has absolutely no right being as funny as this, but the derwood/inga wedding is so so funny and also rlly sweet at the end and the contrast with the elinor storyline is wild (and also something i wish holby would do more often bc recently they’ve done like three depressing storylines in one ep)

the hard way home (19x35)- tbh the main reason i’ve rewatched this ep so much is for dofty which obvs i don’t care about anymore, but it’s also a really good ep just for dom w his steroid addiction and the anniversary of arthur’s death. and it’s damon’s first ep and i miss him

group animal, parts one and two (19x61 and 19x62)- the shooting eps which i also watch when i wanna feel sad, but also they are just really good episodes in general

also the last two eps of s19 after the shooting bc i’m incapable of not watching the aftermath

i haven’t rewatched any s20 or s21 eps except when giffing so i can’t rlly recommend any there

casualty (for some of these just pretend that lofty never existed on holby and his character was never destroyed):

next of kin, parts one and two (26x15 and 26x16)- the second ep is more exciting but you need the first one for context, it’s just classic high stakes drama, the entire ed was on fire bc they stopped filming in bristol so they were like yeah let’s completely destroy the set! and it’s ruth and jay’s last episodes.

duty of care (26x17)- also high stakes drama, tom’s first episode and the first ep filmed in cardiff. there’s a poisonous gas leak AND an explosion.

love is (26x23)- danny dyer did more acting in this one (1) episode than he has his entire career on eastenders i swear. i didn’t expect to get so emo about it.

the ‘ricochet’ eps (26x25, 26x26, 26x27)- casualty didn’t hold back with these eps. they’re v good eps (s26 has some of casualty’s best episodes imo) but a LOT about gang violence and a trigger warning for rape in the second one.

zero sum game (26x39)- fletch’s first episode! i mainly like it bc of that but it’s also fun to see how much lloyd hates him at first.

the #holbyriot eps (26x41 and 26x42)- definitely some of the most tense episodes casualty’s ever done, back when they cared about social issues like police brutality.

rabbits in headlights (27x17)- the first episode for robyn, jamie and aoife (and ally but she leaves the next ep). i love seeing how far robyn in particular has come, and i loved jamie and aoife as well and seeing them as tiny dumbass students is fun.

unsilenced (27x31)- the fgm storyline, again when casualty used to care about social issues. it’s really well-written, i think.

once there was a way home, parts one and two (28x01 and 28x02)- this is ramin’s first appearance and i love him and jamie and the way jamie basically risked his entire job to help him. the first one is also rita’s first ep!

carrot not stick (28x35)- this one has a patient from 28x33 in, but you don’t need to have rewatched that one to get the gist. lofty and dixie take said patient to visit his dying mother and they go to the beach. they sing dolly parton. lofty steals a puppy. it’s just a really nice episode imo

born lucky (29x05)- this is a sad one, but i really like the relationships between the staff in this one, and i think it was a good final episode for jeff.

entrenched (29x09)- casualty said football fans don’t deserve rights and also lofty makes some points about the futility of war. michael spence is in this episode!

deadfall (29x10), the road not taken (29x26), holby sin city (29x39)- i’m grouping these together bc they’re all the ‘holby noir’ standalone episodes and if you wanna watch one ep and not have to worry about the long running storylines, they work. they’re also completely insane and v fun imo. the road not taken is my fave.

a child’s heart, parts one and two (30x01 and 30x02)- i’m not a fan of it focusing so much on charlie’s life story, but i love episodes just after a crisis and especially when one of the team is in danger bc you really see how much the staff all care about each other. these eps also have the start of louise’s storyline where she switches from a receptionist to a nurse.

high tide (30x27)- lofty’s last episode, jez’s first, and it’s also a really good episode for cal and ethan. and although i don’t really care about any of them except jez anymore, i still think this is a good episode to rewatch just to see like. them as characters.

too old for this shift (31x01)- this is the feature length episode so like. it might not be ideal to rewatch but again it’s the helicopter crash episode, so you really see the staff pull together which i love, and there are appearances from jac and fletch, and video calls from people who have left the show. like i said, it goes with protect and serve on holby so i usually rewatch those together.

mobile (31x27)- i literally just rewatched this episode last night which is why i’m thinking about it, but it’s a really good ep and it’s the one where robyn gives birth and her scenes with david are so well acted. they also link all three stories in some way to mobile phones which i thought was cool.

5 days (31x28)- i love robyn so i really love this episode. there’s a lot of character development imo, from being in denial and optimistic to realising how bad charlotte’s situation is and struggling to cope, to accepting how it is and being there for her as a mother.

one (31x44)- the plot is okay, it’s not something i’d be particularly interested to rewatch apart from the fact it’s filmed in one shot which makes it fun to rewatch.

32x19- max’s last episode and we find out a lot about him! and ofc there’s the zoe and max reunion and i just really like max in this episode.

32x21- bea’s first ep and i love her, also really shows how much a real ed has to cope with and has alicia start the anonymous blog which is v iconic of her.

i haven’t really rewatched any eps that aired after this specifically for one ep (i’ve rewatched every episode jade and marty and archie have been in but i don’t always care about the eps themselves)

#bbc casualty #holby city #sorry to ppl in the tag but i actually wanna save this so i know what i wanna rewatch so #me about casualty: i think these eps are well-written and i like the dynamics between the characters in it #me about holby: lmao my faves are being dumbasses in it #Anonymous

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trainwreck-in-glitter · 4 years

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WHAT EUPHORIA GETS RIGHT ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS:

the high fucking highs: EG (“when I feel good I think it’ll last forever, but it doesn’t” at the Halloween party when rues attempted to kiss jules who rejects her again) I can’t relate to rues manic episode, since I don’t have bipolar but her jittery display of chain-smoking, obsessive thoughts, sleep deprivation, numbing the pain with coffee and taking more steps than she needs to captured the obsessive side of OCD very well, as well as the: COUNTING. I’ve had to repeat numbers in my head over and over and watching rue just start hysterically crying as a child during trying to complete that compulsion fucken’ sent me because I’d never seen an accurate nuanced way of this shown on television. I loved that her OCD wasn’t reduced to cleaning obsessively (EX’ Emma from Glee) even though many people struggle with OCD compulsions of that kind it’s a bit of an overused trope almost like a laughing track in sitcoms, and usually doesn’t serve the characters development in any purpose having their OCD solely exist for neurotypical characters to make sarcastic jokes about.

the l-o-w fucking lows: EX’ rue being glued to her bed for two days unable to engage with anyone or even get up to fucking piss resulting in a painful difficult to watch ¿UTI¿ scene. At a time I experienced severe intrusive thoughts I neglected taking care of myself so much that my hair formed dreadlocks and took hours to brush knots all out.

pushing everyone away: EX’ (I mean just look at the first gif, as well as how rue loses it at Lexi when she tries to check in on her.) while people struggling with any kind of mental illness have a tendency to isolate (espesh in cases of severe depression/mood disorders) however it’s not always aggressive sometimes it’s quiet silence in your room for a week and a half feeling completely immobilised (like with Jules during rues own depressive, she unknowningky sinks into one herself to the extent where her dad is concerned).

feeling like a burden: whether it’s because of your mental illness, low self image or like rue your addiction issues impacting those around you, rue confesses this to Lexi who in true Howard fashion holds her and tries to affirm that she’s nothing like that. Often feeling like your own problems are too heavy for anyone to bear or understand adds to the hopelessness and potentially it could be one of the biggest roadblocks to anyone’s recovery particularly Rue’s

being heavily affected by external factors, more so than normal: like social aspects of your life EX’ (Rue’s codependency on Jules, and Jules’ search for affirmation in sexual relationships, Rue’s nerves upon returning to school particularly hit me (I had a three week hospitalisation and received treatment that kept me off school frequently, and the responses from peers was right on). when noticed again Maddy tells Rue herself she thought she was dead and another friend in her car shouts for rue to “get in Casper!”. Things like school, relationships, daily tasks and functioning can feel a million time harder when you’re battling your own head, the way Euphoria demonstrates this is so raw and realistic it really hit home for me. This becomes even more heightened when people are dealing with trauma/grief ex’ (rue still carrying the grief of her dad and wearing his hoodie frequently and maddy going on a bender taking molly at the carnival forgetting to eat for two days after nate assaults her resulting in her having to be rushed into emergency where they find the marks).

addiction and the feeling of needing to escape your own head: rue will take around about any drug just to temporarily forget her own anxieties, she’s willing to lie (in drug tests by using her sober friends pee), and fight tooth and nail even if it’s against the people she loves/cares about eg: her family, fezco, etc). her addictive personality is made apparent by her obsessive behaviours, codependency with Jules, hyperfixations (watching 22 hours of love island straight) and then again in her drug use. zendaya does an amazing job at selling this all, the way her face slowly sinks from the depths of depression into what looks like she’s gotten a relieving breath of air conveys what exactly she’s getting out of this. with any addiction whether it’s substance abuse, sex addiction, eating disorders, skin picking disorders, etc there’s a need to escape but there’s also a sense of safety/reprieve from what’s making you need that escape. for Rue who is heavily characterised by her own self-blame eg: being scared of people she loves being mad at her like in that scene with Jules, the way she cried when she saw her mother and sister sleeping beside her in hospital when she woke up from her overdose, and in one of earliest narrations where she states “if I could be a different person I would, not because I want it but because they want it” and even asks Jules after she admits to being in love with her if she wishes she was different and Jules responded in the negative. she seems to want to dissociate herself because she feels the weight of her as a whole is too much for anyone and will only be disappointing. it’s sordidly relatable for anyone with low self esteem and as a rue stan the candidness can make the scenes hard to watch.

to recover or sink: rue says herself in narration that after rehab she had no intention of staying clean and for the first few episodes or so she was using to the point where she almost had an overdose in front of very traumatised Jules who then sets an ultimatum that in order for them to maintain their “friendship” rue needs to stop using and rue agrees almost immediately. the look of guilt and shame on her face as she cuddles into Jules who is still shocked and upset saying to rue “I’ve had enough traumatic shit in my life, I’m not trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themselves”. rue remains sober but clings to Jules almost in replacement, most of rues innocent crush was well innocent and very high school realistic in the way that everything feels heightened. and for a while rue is at her happiest, her best friend since childhood even saying to Jules “it’s because of you” which fairly overwhelms her because being somebody’s sole reason for recovery isn’t long term manageable OR healthy for either party. expanding on this the blame Jules gets for Rue’s relapse is a way we’re perpetuating that their codependent dynamic wasn’t detrimental to either of them, which is wrong. Jules felt immense pressure which in turn tainted her relationship with Rue, and Rue was readily giving more to a relationship where the other person wasn’t ready to reciprocate. Jules and Rue ultimately have a beautiful dynamic together and I’d love to see more of them in season 2 but I’d like it to be in some time when they’ve both explored and identified what they’re both wanting. Because I refusE to settle for anything less than #Kethan after the finale. anywho this all meant Rues hinted relapse in the finale had an inevitable quality to it, because she wasn’t changing because she wanted it but because they did. I feel that one line perfectly captures exactly what would have led to that relapse, from personal experience I tried to actively recover from an eating disorder to please my family but quickly relapsed because ultimately challenging thoughts that have been in your head for so long JUST FOR other people stops being rewarding too quickly because as much as they may want to be an active support system they don’t have the access to rewire your brain. I challenged my meal plan but not the thoughts telling me I was disgusting. Rue still felt like a burden, she never challenged that only the drug use. it would be amazing to see Rue in therapy or even just actively attempting self care and explaining how and why that might feel so hard to someone struggling. I think Euphoria this season has set up a perfect segway for the second season, and so far they have managed to portray the complexities of being a teenager with a mental illness in glitter while keeping it relatable and not being exploitative. I think after seeing Rues chronic struggle it would be really cool to see a character representing what recovery actually looks like when it comes from the right place, having that positive representation of trying to be proactive while struggling and still having questions would be a new arc for Rue and it would really show her growth however after the city incident only time will tell 😪

#euphoria hbo #euphoria #mentally ill #ocd tw #substance use disorder #rue bennett icons #jules x rue #rue bennett #zendaya #hunter schafer #seratonin #fuckoffiknowtheresamillionspellingmistakesbutimonarant

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