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northwest-cryptid · 10 months

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I found this image on my computer, which; without context is probably EXTREMELY confusing but it kills me every time I see it

I cannot tell you how badly I wish I could explain this game to you all, more specifically the adventure I went on with Chester but all I have left from the streams is this recap, which if you can forgive my god awful voice/audio summarizes exactly nothing everything and shows just how often my audience abuses the sound/music alerts video below the read more so it shouldn't randomly auto-play for anyone:

So, right off the bat horribly sorry for my god awful voice gracing your ears.

Other than that, for people who don't know; Kenshi is possibly my favorite open world sandbox game because it genuinely has so much to offer. It has no goals, it has no morality system nor does it try to tell you what is right and wrong. Kenshi just puts you in the world and asks you to survive however you want.

In the playthrough I'm doing on my streams I am playing as Chester, who's literally an old man who was a slave, escaped slavery, and lost all of his limbs; he has since been re-enslaved but broken out several times. I've decided that since he has been mistreated directly by slavers he would seek to rid the world of the two factions in the game that heavily support slavery, those being The Holy Nation (who are essentially a parody of Extremist Christians with their sexist and racist beliefs that anyone who isn't a Greenlander Male needs to be someone else's slave, or be killed) and The United Cities (who are basically Capitalism, I would say "Capitalism to the extreme" but no that's implied by saying Capitalism in the first place. Wealth is everything to them, how you get it doesn't matter; sell drugs, sell people; who cares as long as you make money in the end) as a result his journey has taken him all over the world.

Now normally in Kenshi you play as a group of characters you can set up a base somewhere, start up productions and do whatever. Kenshi is really well designed in that the world will come to you and happen at you but it will never treat you like anyone special even if you become a big shot. Taking out a few Holy Nation Paladins will get you a bad rep with the Holy Nation but no one is going to call you an Anti-Slaver hero, but if you take down Holy Lord Phoenix himself, you'll start to get a name for yourself both good and bad depending on who you ask. For every ally you make you make an enemy of someone else. If you build in bandit territory they will demand food to not launch raids, if you build in Shek lands they want their tribute for your colonization, if you build in the United Cities you better be ready to pay taxes. The world feels alive no matter how you play, and Chester is something of a nomad who just wants to explore the world and have one last adventure while leaving the wastelands a more peaceful place than he came into it as.

My current playthrough off stream is actually 100% different, I'm a lone barkeeper who set up shop in one of the towns of the United Cities, I would buy slaves and release them if they chose to stay with me I'd give them a job working at my pub. I was literally just a humble barkeep. Eventually I had the whole situation automated, we have robots manning everything, one running well water to the farmer, one working the farms harvesting crops and turning them into usable ingredients, another taking the ingredients and preparing food, another running that food to the front desk for sales, it was an elaborate and beautiful pipeline delivering grog, sake, and plenty of rice to the fine people of Stoat while simultaneously ridding the UC (United Cities) of their slaves, with the money lining my pockets it wasn't hard to buy out every slave shop I came across, and just release the slaves.

Oh yea and I have modded the game to all hell without a care as to what I was actually modding in, which means everything from vroid models to dinosaurs to uh... warframe grineer? For some reason?

So my playthrough kinda looks like this:

I kinda want to run you through this playthrough in hopes it will share some of why I love Kenshi with you. See the stats in this game are brutal and they only get better by being used. If you want to get tougher you need to be beaten, if you want to run faster you need to travel, if you want to make better clothing you need to do a lot of crafting. So with only 6 Athletics (which is nothing) and a dream, I took off to go get my Skeleton crew (Skeletons are the name for robots in this game) which are out in the Black Desert which suffers from constant acid rain and lightning storms... which are a slight problem, however that's not as much of a problem when I didn't even make it 5 minutes out the door before some bandits launched an assault on me because I happened to have a loaf of bread in my pocket, yea this game is UNFAIR and it's great but we'll get to why later.

^ See this in the bottom left? Those are your health bars, you don't get HP in this game you get values for your limbs. Your VITAL limbs are things like your head, chest, stomach, and obviously blood. The higher your toughness stat the lower those can go before you fall unconscious/die. However you can entirely lose arms and legs and still be okay, you can even craft your own limbs (or steal them in the case of Chester :P) to replace them, and in a lot of cases limbs are a trade off, maybe you're really strong but that strength means you don't have good finger dexterity so you can't pick locks or steal very well but you can bust open a door or hit someone really hard, scout legs for example give you a ton of movement speed as they're basically springs on your feet, but they don't have a lot of health value so if you get hit in the leg you're probably going down quick, not to mention you can't swim very well with large pieces of metal for legs. These trade offs are really fun and the way health values work in this game is something I hated at first but came to love as I played more.

Everything you survive in Kenshi literally makes you stronger, it's that age old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" yea it's that cranked up to 11, because wouldn't you know it after hiring some robots at a pub (they can only drink grog because it's basically oil to them, and yes they have oil not blood as a stat; man the devs really put so much detail into this game it's so cute) I got struck by lightning and left out in acid rain... with literally no protection from it.

However if you notice most of my stats are in the green minus stomach and chest... and my left arm but my VITALS are doing better because I already took a beating getting here, and I got tougher for it! God I love that shit so much it's such a cool concept because it means you organically grow over the course of the game!

So anyways we get back to Stoat eventually (I had to get one of the robots to carry me) and we begin to properly set up shop, it's real cozy since there's no real conflict and I have plenty of money (called Cats) to spend on resources right now

I even started making and selling weapons and stuff! I eventually had enough money I bought ANOTHER building and decided to turn this one into a big farm, we'd use moister farming to condense water in the air since we're in the middle of the desert and wells out here kinda suck for consistent water supply, we'll continue the use of hydroponic farming and start bread production from grain silos, yes all of this shit matters; Kenshi is a complex game with lots of moving parts, I mean hell there's a whole graph for making robotic limbs and it's fantastic, you have to know what to make at what crafting station and where it all needs to go, and what research you need to do to unlock it all. This game makes you work for your reward and then properly gives you a fitting reward when you can make shit like this:

This whole thing is a blueprint that contains 3 different types of farms (Vegetables, Rice, and Wheat) a grain silo to turn the wheat to flour, then an oven for baking that flour to bread, as well as Grog, Rum, and Sake distilleries, storage for it all, as well as 4 stoves all set to make various foods from the farms, the floor above this houses 6 water condensers that will generate passive water for us so the farms won't dry out, and you know what? This all pays off, we make literally over 100k just selling various foods and drink that cost nothing for us to make since we can now grow it all in house!

Just to give you an idea, there was a moment like this for Chester too, except Chester's moment was when he tracked down a tyrannical Skeleton warlord who had been literally making skeletons go haywire so he could have an army to commit genocide on anyone and everyone, Chester couldn't fight through the literal hundreds of thralled skeletons so instead we used stealth which we had been training for a good while now; and snuck into his throne room before carefully sneaking up and assassinating him. It turns out he has one of the strongest weapons in the game, something called a "Meitou Falling Sun" which is actually really important because the "Meitou" in that name is the weapon's grade, Meitou is a grade only given to 1 of each class of weapon, forged by an ancient blacksmith named Cross who was renowned as a legendary blacksmith who made top tier weapons. Now the Falling Sun is still WAY too heavy for Chester to use properly, but he was able to grab the warlord and turn him in to an anti-slaver group for a bounty, fun fact about that the anti-slaver group is ran by another Skeleton who used to be friends with said warlord but didn't agree with his system of going to war, and instead became an anti-slaver gigachad who doesn't even fight with a weapon.

Notice how in my Barkeeper run my big moment was automating a farm + kitchen combo and decorating my bar to be nice and fancy; but for Chester it was basically an elaborate stealth mission to assassinate/Stealth KO a warlord and change the global politics of the game entirely? Yea that's the freedom this game gives you, you will get these big rewarding moments no matter how you play. In one of my playthroughs that rewarding moment was hunting down a slaver group who had taken one of my characters and enslaved them, I broke everyone out of the camp including my old team member and despite effectively only getting back to square 1 (having both my party members in the party again) it felt super cool and rewarding to break them out of this elaborate slave prison and set everyone free to help me fight off the guards, because my whole playthrough changed when they got captured, suddenly I cared a lot more about lock picking and stealth and everything else took a backseat, I joined a group of ninjas and had them train me so I could sneak in and pick all the locks before opening all the cages and arming all the slaves with weapons from the storage rooms. Kenshi is an entirely unique experience every playthrough and speaking of playthroughs after I upgraded my bar I decided to take a little vacation out of the desert to go pick up some more friends, this time I figured I'd get some fleshy new hires since I want to diversify a little bit. While I was out, this Beak Thing (large carnivore creatures who when the game was released, could accidentally talk and would absolutely destroy you before saying "relax, enjoy death" which is the most terrifying shit) got stuck in our grog room

But he's still only a pup so we can't legally give him any alcohol, don't worry; he still hasn't left and he's now an Elder. I am trying to find the guy who will sell him to me because he's become something of a mascot for the bar. He also doesn't fit anymore...

So you may be wondering if there's plot or anything and well, there kinda is; and it's super organic and I love it to death. Okay so let's back up, now that I have an automated system I've begun going town to town and buying a bar in each major town in the UC this allows me to make money in town and then buy out the slave market freeing any slaves and hiring any who want to stick around giving them a weapon more powerful than a sword in the UC; money. In doing so I wound up in a coastal town called Bark where I was approached by a young woman and this dialogue happend:

It's a little hard to read but I'll summarize if you're not able to read it; essentially she asks if I'm from around here and when I ask if there's a problem by any chance she tells me she somehow fucked up with nobility, which in the UC is a big deal; like a "they will kill you" big deal. She tells me she NEEDS to get out of town, so I ask her what she was involved in; remember that if I get a bad rep with the UC my bars will be raided, all the slaves I have employed will be killed, I won't be able to fight the system so for now I have to play nice and that means I can't be helping anyone out if it costs me my own skin; plus I'm not some super strong anime protagonist, I'm a fucking barkeeper! I have no stats for fighting at this point and can't very well go to war with the UC over one person as much as I may want to help everyone. She tells me it's all a conspiracy and someone ratted her out, she needs to be gone by the morning so I tell her I'll see what I can do; yes you can actually disguise people and sneak them over boarders in this game it's incredible. However she tells me she only needs about 3k to bribe the guards to look the other way, 3k is pretty much nothing to me at this point so I say sure. After which point she joins our squad, I am then approached by another young lady looking to join up and get out of town; sounds good to me but I kinda need people here to run the shop in this town so I attempted to have a bit of dialogue to figure out why she wanted out so bad;

But she's an absolute riot, she tells me she has a pet Gutter (a species of Beak Thing) named Grimes and how she apparently has had a steamy affair with the barman's daughter and then even goes so far as to try to show me her weird rash but I figured we knew enough and you know we stan a lesbian with a weird rash.

But I couldn't just leave them here if they weren't well protected; so I set up a small fishing camp, and taught them how to farm, I even bought them a house and made good sure Khida was safe to leave town if needed.

I even installed a little Gutter weathervane for Ojillo on their farm

This game just has so much charm! Though I really need to get these two some clothes, most characters spawn with pants but not shirts; but the game is never weird about it so meh I'll pick them up some leather jackets from the shop down the road from my pub.

Now remember how I said I'm physically pretty weak? And how I can't really fight yet? Well to fix that I went ahead and used the skills I do have (in crafting) to make myself some martial arts gear, in this case this absolute insanely modded mess of a game showed me I could make Goku's gi and you know I have never seen Dragon Ball but that wasn't going to stop me, I even found a guy selling some weird robotic enhancements and bought that to go with it.

I essentially waited around at the gates of Stoat for wildlife, bandits, or threats of any nature to attack the town and when the guards would get involved I'd just back them up, it was pretty safe and if I was knocked out I had my pub staff nearby with medkits to pick me up and haul my ass back to bed. After a LONG time of this I was finally skilled enough at dodging, tough enough to take hits when I couldn't dodge, and actually skilled enough with martial arts; to explore the wilds out by where Beak Things live, I was hoping to get some beak thing eggs since they sell for a good price and I could use them in cooking some really nice stuff to sell at my pub, would absolutely bring in higher paying clientele and I'm all about that.

Oh and while I was doing all of this, the rest of the world was still actively going on around me, remember how I said I was freeing slaves? They were starting to take notice of this, and one of my ex-slave employee's Frump went by the slave yard to free some more people when this really wholesome interaction happened:

Kenshi really does a great job of making the world feel like it's happening around you but at the same time, taking notice of you. I love stuff like this, it's genuinely cool to see slaves notice my faction and know they have a chance of escaping because I set slaves free; and yet they don't immediately trust me just off my reputation because that's the kind of world Kenshi is, it's a world where for all they know I "free" slaves and then shoot them for sport, or feed them to my pet dinosaur for fun. Oh yeah my pet dinosaur, about that.

So remember how I said I was going to go get beak thing eggs for profit and money? I found a Western Tyrant instead, or at least a Juvenile one; a quick fight later and it was knocked out, I patched it up and dragged it's ass back to my house in The Hub where I was greeted by none other than Elma from Xenoblade Chronicles X and 2b from NieR; why? Because MODS BAY-BEE WOOOO!

ANYWAYS we put it in a cage so it can't kill us and we feed it until it trusts us, we name it Gura because it will become an Apex Predator, and now we are best friends :D

Look at it! I love this thing! It's so cute! It's still a baby so I have to be careful not to let it get into fights with things that could easily kill it but it's a tanky beast and I'm keeping it safe. Well...

OKAY LISTEN IT'S OKAY! THE RAGDOLL PHYSICS ARE JUST HILARIOUSLY WEIRD IN THIS GAME BUT I PROMISE IT'S OKAY!

On my way back to Stoat I found a group of nomads who were also traveling with animals and I decided to follow them, strength in numbers and all that; we're all friends here.

This game is honestly beautiful to me even on low settings; I love looking up from the desert wasteland and seeing huge planets floating over the horizon it really sells me on the scale of this world.

Eventually we got to a town where I hadn't had a chance to set up a shop, the Nomads just brought me to an entirely new place; so I ran by the local bar to pick up a new hire and well, interview went great!

I literally asked if they had any potential skills they said no, and I hired them on the spot!

Oh yea I also found a guy getting chased around by a "processor unit" which are basically robotic vulture raptors that eat dying things; he was beat up pretty bad in a fight and woke up from his recovery coma because the unit was eating his flesh, and then the pathfinding decided he should RUN IN CIRCLES

So I see this looney tunes bullshit off in the distance while I'm traveling; gotta love it. Good luck dude! Some say he's still out there running in circles to this day.

This happened by the way because he was trying to attack the unit, and the unit was trying to attack him and the pathfinding wouldn't just let him turn around, and dear lord it was hilarious.

I was also laughing really hard because I sent my friends THIS picture which looks like the most generic youtube clickbait thumbnail, but was meant to express how much hell I was going through trying to transport all my goods over to the next town which was so heavy I couldn't move faster than 4 mph but of course there were a ton of things in the desert at this exact time of day, that want me dead:

I guess what I'm trying to say with this extremely long rambling, is that I genuinely love Kenshi for how much love and care and soul it has. Every character I encounter has a story, something to say, something to do. I wander into a town and someone tells me about this legend they heard and they want to join me to go hunt down some treasure somewhere, or I'll stumble into a pirate town where anyone who doesn't know the pirate code is immediately taken in to become a slave and work your way up through the ranks because you're an obvious outsider; but you can buy a pirate code book off a drunk guy super cheap at a bar and then pretend to know enough to not get caught. Sometimes I'm running through a place just for travel and stumble upon "Skin Bandits" who are Skeletons who think they're human, and they're all friends with a human who's their leader; and made them "peeler machines" to peel the flesh off their "flesh brothers" and wear the skin as a suit; genuine horror shit right there and I love it. Kenshi has so much packed into it, you could be a leviathan hunter seeking riches from battling behemoths that roam the land, or you could be a barkeeper who just wants to settle down in a quiet town and run a shop, or you could be an anti-slaver and free the oppressed people of the world; and hell there's nothing saying you have to play this way. If you prefer to be a morally bad person in games you can join the Holy Nation, you can become a slave trader; you can steal and kill to your hearts content because the game will never point a finger at you and say "you're being morally bad and mean and rude!" Instead you are chased down by the police, you might have to break out of jail, you might have to fight and die to get out of prison or to get away because you may get caught trying to rob people. Kenshi is immersive because it never tells you "no" outright, it plays like a huge game of D&D where everything is fair to the point of being brutal and unfair. Like the game doesn't deem you anyone important, you're just another person; so every choice you make matters but not in some grand scheme kind of way.

And what's really cool about it is, if you do want to be some important person, you can do that too! If you take out a big political name, someone else will make moves to take their place; other factions will move into the land and take up residency and you can sway how the game map will turn out. You can help the Shek reclaim their land, you can help the Holy Nation colonize everything, you can help the United Cities get even richer, or you can hang out in the swamps with the turtles; they're cute as fuck dude I love those little guys.

Yes the game is buggy, and yes you should probably mod the fuck out of it because there's a ton of ways to cheese it and honestly sometimes a bit of quality of life mods can go a long ways toward making a game more fun.

But I ultimately think this game deserves a look if you're into these sort of genres; explore the world, see what it has to offer; and just have fun with it. If you're curious and don't wanna play it yourself you're always welcome to check out my streams, Chester's quest to get all his stats to 100 is about to start back up again, we still need to put an end to the Holy Nation and make Chester the gigachad he deserves to be; so if you can handle my absolutely aggravating voice come hang out if you feel inclined.

Anyhow thanks for reading all of this, hope you enjoyed it; I could gush about Kenshi and it's little details all day but I'll spare you since this post is long enough as it is.

#long post sorry #oh god theres a really dumb 6 minute video under the cut #and you can hear my dumbass voice sorry about that lol #i love this dumb game so much

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tyrantisterror · 3 years

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The ATOM Create a Kaiju Contest 3-D: Entry Roundup

You’ve been patiently waiting for the results of the ATOM Create a Kaiju Contest 3-D, and now... you have to wait a bit longer, but at least you’ve got an entry roundup with lots of sketches and a good bit of feedback for all the entrants! My goal is to get the finalists illustrated in a week or two, and after that, the grand prize winner will be announced. But, for now, the official entry roundup! After the cut:

I should note that while I sketched these in the order they were submitted, my scanner saved the documents with random names, so they’re a bit jumbled. You know, just in case you’re like me and would get confused noticing that it’s almost in chronological order but with some entries jumbled around.

@bugcthulhu’s Obsideban was designed as a counterpart to Rohobaron - the Black King to Rohobaron’s Red King, if you will. Or, well, Black Queen in this case, as Obsideban also takes her personality from the “delinquent girl” archetype in Japanese media. Bug’s designs always ooze personality, and I had a lot of fun translating this big, gnarly retrosaur into my own style.

@toothlessloveshiccup‘s Argonox is the first - but far from the last - monster in this breakdown that brings in a bit of fantasy influence to ATOM’s roster. A golden-fleeced ram with a vicious streak, this sheep is both treasure and dragon at once. And while it wasn’t written in the monster’s profile, given the Yamaneon-rich nature of its wool, Argonox might be able to replicate the healing power of the golden fleece too! A very fun mammalian kaiju and excellent entry.

@highly-radioactive-nerd submitted Gunmetal Jeeves, a robot butler who can gigantomax temporarily create a holographic/hard light version of himself to fight kaiju. That detail was a late revision added to the entry before the contest’s deadline, made after the creator realized that ATOM allows for some truly ludicrous bullshit, which is something everyone should exploit when making entries for this in my opinion. Also, this is a robot butler who can size shift. Revel in its awesome absurdity!

Ultranerd submitted Rajasaurus, a dimetrodon-like synapsid kaiju with electric powers. His origin specifies that the electric powers are a result of the volatile nature of the Yamaneon deposits he mutated under, which is an interesting idea. That’s another theme that cropped up a lot in this contest’s entries, actually - people really wanted to play with what Yamaneon can do.

Case in point, @polygonfighter’s Yamaneolith takes the Monolith Monsters homage at the heart of Yamaneon even more apparent. I like the implication that there is a second mineral-based lifeform at the root of this Yamaneon cluster’s anomalous behavior - a parasite, perhaps? It brings up some interesting possibilities.

@ariccio50 submitted Kukulkuzana, and damn is this a cool spin on the body plan of my martians. I made a few changes here and there (splitting its tail into two is probably the biggest one), but tried to keep true to the original design, because holy hell is it gorgeous. The idea that this is a mountain-dwelling creature is really intriguing to me, as it looks like a sea creature, but at the same time, that flexible and low-slung build WOULD work pretty well in mountains, and it’s just the right mix of plausible weirdness that makes for a fun alien design.

@akitymh submitted Aramzados, a Venusian monster that’s basically an organic hot rod car. I like the idea of organic machinery being the gimmick for Venusian kaiju, and Aramzado’s does it subtly enough to not feel like that gimmick is the sole thing going for it. I especially love this monster’s stange, apparently mouth-less blade-beaked face.

@virovac submitted Rurzar and Zar Rider, a Beyonder kaiju and mecha (respecitvely) that were both modified and repurposed by humans reverse engineering Beyonder technology to make, like, a motorcycle-saurus essentially. It is a delightfully absurd concept, and a very, very detailed one (13 pages of description). There’s a dark undercurrent beneath the sillyness, though, as this pair show that humanity might still be following the same path as the Beyonders before them.

@dinosaurana brings us Krangor, a humanoid monstrosity of living kelp! The goal here was to create a Jack Kirby-esque monster dude, complete with the gibberish name and all. He’s also made out of kelp, which feels very classic 1950′s monster-y despite me not being able to think of any monsters that were explicitly made of kelp. I love him.

@kiryuthechimera submitted Genkakurah, a psychic retrosaur with some draconic features. Though his substantial powerset is probably the biggest distinguishing feature of this kaiju (given that most ATOM kaiju pretty much have the same standard powers), what really draws me to him is that reptilian pseudo-beard. It’s just a fun detail!

@glarnboudin submits Tiratola, and see, there’s that fantasy influence again! Even more explicitly dragon-y than Kraydi, Tiratola still manages to toe the line between sci-fi and fantasy enough to fit ATOM as is while still cementing its ties to my own slice of fantasy fiction. Man it’s good I’m doing a Midgaheim book next, huh?

@dragonzzilla submitted Scuttlebutt/Argonautilus, a hermit crab kaiju who lives in/with a hollowed out mecha. That’s a twist I can’t recall ever hearing before, and the idea of a kaiju and a mecha having an equal partnership that doesn’t involve one being grafted to the other is really intriguing to me. A very unique concept!

@evolutionsvoid submitted Fleagor, an enormous flea who has no idea what to do with itself now that there’s no creature large enough for it to parasitize. I love that concept - it takes the core idea of the giant bug kaiju archetype (i.e. unsettling the audience by showing how terrifying small, “insignificant” creatures would be if our sizes were reversed) and really turns it on its head. The name also plays on the Universal Monsters, who were a huge part of 1950′s pop culture thanks to their movies being re-released in that era, so all and all this one is very on brand for ATOM!

@skarmorysilver submitted Lilacorn, another entry that plays up that Midgaheim/ATOM connection. Reinterpreting the mythological unicorn as an Cenozoic wooly rhinoceros-inspired monster gives it a very unique look, both in ATOM and in the general world of unicorns, and she has a bad-girl with a heart of gold personality to boot!

dracosaurus-rex submitted Florasaura, a two-headed plant/retrosaur hybrid monster. I love me some plant monsters, I love me some retrosaurs, and I love me some rhyming the word “flora” with other words that contain similar vowell sounds, so this one has me written all over it!

@downtofragglerock submitted Sauroguana, a delightfully odd flying retrosaur. There’s a great deal of charm to the original illustration that this sketch doesn’t quite capture - it’s a deceptively simple design with a lot of personality in it, and with those unique leg-wings it really doesn’t need a whole lot of frills to stand out.

Draxi submitted Brakan, an unimpressive burrowing retrosaur kaiju whose mastery of illusions allows it to convince other kaiju it’s actually a big, super-powerful badass that’s the ultimate fighter in the universe. It’s a delightful parody of the concept of a fan self-insert god-mode character, with a really fun story built into it to boot!

@quinnred submitted O.N.I.A.C., a mysterious cocooned kaiju whose chrysalis has been turned into an organic computer of sorts by the people studying it, and seems to possess a fairly advanced intelligence for a kaiju. It’s a really bizarre and ominous idea, with built in intrigue given how vague its nature is. Is it just a kaijufied butterfly/moth who got stuck mid transformation? A relative of the Mothmanuds? Something else, perhaps equally alien? Good story potential here.

shadyserpent submitted Vespilitor, a bat/retrosaur hybrid made by the nefarious Spooks Organization. A mercurial prankster whose tendency to stir up trouble never crosses the line into maliciousness, he’s the kind of monster who would make a great foil to a lot of ATOM’s cast. I’d especially like to see him in a prank off with Ahuul - it’d be like Bugs Bunny fighting Daffy Duck, but on a kaiju scale.

@multiversefan submitted the Yamaneon King, a nomadic kaiju whose refusal to settle down causes problems as he stirs up trouble at kaiju sanctuaries all over the globe by showing up unannounced and stirring up the locals. He was basically designed to be a monster that the kaiju sanctuary initiative would struggle to deal with, which is a good idea for a post-ATOM Volume 2 story conflict.

Sir K submitted Jadeera, a kirin kaiju that can actually forcibly convert most of its body to Yamaneon to enter a dormant, statue-like state in a loose homage to King Shisa. Though the fantasy elements are far more present than I usually prefer for ATOM kaiju, I think it should be noted they’re pushed that far for a purpose - a theme in Jadeera’s entry, which continues where its creator left off with their submission to the previous ATOM create a kaiju contest (Yokaigon), is that the world of kaiju is more complicated and challenging than many are willing to accept, which is a theme in ATOM itself. Yokaigon’s more supernatural/occult powers are based on the ghost parascience of my setting, which ATOM has delved into a bit (Pathogen being the big example), so it’s not as out of left field as some might think.

@cerothenull brings us our final entry (unless some got lost thanks to tumblr’s shitty tagging system), the flying spider Naeranti. She’s a kaiju spider who uses silk to make complicate hot-air balloons, more or less, and that’s just delightful. ATOM could always use more spider-monsters, and with a really unique gimmick backing up a wonderfully distinct look, Naeranti is sure to stand out among her fellow giant arachnids.

Well, that’s the roundup! In a week (or two, depending on how much my hand cramps) we’ll have the five finalists, and sometime after that, the grand prize winner!

#The Atomic Time of Monsters #The ATOM Create a Kaiju Contest 3D

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bread-tab · 2 years

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i saw The Batman (2022) in theaters last week. went in with low expectations. loved it. had an existential crisis afterward :)

(putting a read more here because spoilers, megalomaniacal ranting, etc.)

it's a very pretty movie with a lot of cinematic artistry (that scene with the flare? omg). they unapologetically made Gotham a parody of dark 20th century NYC where it's constantly raining while somehow making 21st century culture and technology fit seamlessly into the picture and i want to live there please (the city of my dreams). they explored some deep, relevant themes without getting anvilicious. the character writing and acting were great; lots of chemistry, arcs and conflicts that made sense. fun. ridiculous. took itself seriously despite the absurdity, but not *too* seriously.

the pacing of the movie was a little funky (third act was all over the place, idk if the whole thing even *fits* a traditional 3-act structure) but i don't care because they've created a Batman who is enough of an insane, badass weirdo that for the first time, i can almost believe the whole "i am vengeance, i am the night, i beat up criminals in my armored fursuit" shtick could work in real life and be taken seriously. and at the same time they made Bruce Wayne a scrunkly emo disaster nerd who was raised by an ex-spy butler and it shows. peak interpretation of the character. and Jim Gordon in this movie is my favorite person in the universe and their friendship is perfection incarnate.

this was a good movie. i loved it. and i DEEPLY regret having seen it.

i have been thinking about it and reading a ton of Batman, Batfam, and Justice League fanfiction all week and getting sucked into batblorbo hell. this is how i consume media. but in the midst of that process i realized...

i did *not* need to see Batman as a depressed autistic millennial with a bizarre, idealistic life mission he hyperfixates on at night instead of sleeping

do you know how much effort i have to put in daily to *not do that*???

ffs

i did not need those tendencies validated

BATMAN IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE RELATABLE

and the deeper into the rabbit hole (batcave) of Bat-content i go the more i realize that he's been like this all along and i've been narrowly dodging this fate for a solid decade. i only escaped this when i got into superhero stories in 2011 because i imprinted on Martian Manhunter instead. (my underappreciated green son <3)

unfortunately, i too am the sort of person who, under the right circumstances, would try to solve the world's problems by dressing up in a ridiculous costume and fighting crime at 3 a.m. while having a dramatic inner monologue about justice. (especially if i had kept up with my martial arts lessons when i was 19. good grief. i guess there's a bright side to failing at that.) i, too, would be physically unable to stop myself from adopting half a dozen orphans, hiding them under my cape, and allowing them to live out their incredibly weird aspirations. (heck i would do that right now if i actually had money and my own house and wasn't quite so depressed)

one time i was discussing my struggles with mental illness with my dad and mentioned that i have no idea what my life would be like now if i hadn't had his and mom's support growing up. i have no idea where i'd be. i might be dead. but on the other hand—what i have not told my dad is—i'm also extremely stubborn, have a very strong will to survive, and spent my entire childhood really wanting to get into a righteous fistfight with someone who deserved it and being disappointed when the opportunity never presented itself. i could...genuinely...have decided to become some sort of ridiculous costumed vigilante, given the means. (so this being real life that's two points toward ending up dead.)

and um. even though i do have parents and am aware that this is real life. i refuse to admit how many times (and until what age) i still put *real consideration* into what it would take to be some sort of freelance private eye/vigilante/inventor/actual magician in real life. (physically and, you know, *legally.*)

so...with that context...

there is a part of me that is very grounded and realistic and cynical. does anything i do really make a difference? if i push myself to my limits, get better, and try to make the world a better place, will it mean anything? there's a lot of shame, despair, and self-loathing in there. this is the part of me that is depressed.

there is also a part of me which is stubborn, brazenly honest and weird and unyieldingly hopeful. if there is light in the darkness, i will find it. if there is none, i will make it. i will *become* it. creativity, determination, empowerment. that is the core of who i really am.

demon on my left shoulder. angel on my right.

there are two wolves inside you and the one thing they agree on is BOTH OF THEM REALLY WANT TO BE THE FUCKING BATMAN

*head in hands*

boy. you are broke. you have the upper-body strength of dry spaghetti. you *know* there is no one you can punch to solve crime, poverty, or world hunger. you know the dramatic angsty way of doing things is, above all other considerations, inefficient. you KNOW that your best shot at making the kind of difference you want is to drag yourself back to college and become a social worker, run for some form of public office or other leadership position, and/or get involved in one or more mutual aid/activist/charity movements. All of which require leaving the house IN THE DAYTIME and developing fucking social skills!

...god it would be so much easier to be batman.

(and that's why bruce wayne is relatable, thank you for coming to my TED talk)

so yeah i have no idea to explain all that nonsense to my therapist, but on the bright side, i have a great new way to motivate myself.

"what would Batman do in this situation?"

"..." *sigh* "he'd get up and fold the goddamn laundry."

(except when it backfires)

"in this situation Batman would stay up all night and investigate!"

"NO."

#breadtab life #rant #long post #coping #death mention #batman #personal #dude i have no idea how to tag this #mental illness #*shakes myself by the shoulders*#''the message you were SUPPOSED to take away from that movie was LITERALLY that trying to deal with your problems in this way ends badly''#''heheh i am vengeance''

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theninjasheeep · 3 years

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Blood of Love

Pairing: Pieck Finger x Porco Galliard (Modern/Fantasy AU)

This is my entry for @pleasantanathema’s Through Ink and Quill | A Classics Collab. I decided to go for a character study of Porco and Pieck's relationship following my Pokkopiku week piece Sweet Pandemonium paired with some vampire lore from Dracula and Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles.

The idea of vampire!Pokkopiku came from @sinnamon19’s over the top fan art.

You can also read it on AO3.

Summary: Since they are creatures of the night, their senses, as their feelings are heightened to lengths that can’t be explained by words. But since blood is their life sustenance, it is also their means of communication.

Warnings/tags: Pokopiku, Pokkopiku, Gallipieck, Porco Galliard/ Pieck Finger, Porco Galliard x Pieck Finger, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Character Turned Into Vampire, Vampire Bites, Vampire Turning, Blood Drinking, Mentions of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Blood Sharing.

Blood of Love

Waking up in darkness after spending most of his life shunning the sun when he wanted to sleep late was a welcome change for Porco. He could lie and pretend he was one of those humans-turned-vampires who wailed about the sun, its warmth and brightness and how much he missed it, but he didn't.

He didn't miss the impending sense of foreboding dread that clogged his senses or the tacit expectation that life should have some kind of meaning. It was a succession of routines: being born, growing up, reproducing and dying; waking up, going to work or school, coming home, going to sleep and starting again the next day. There was always an unsatisfied craving, a need to be satiated that gave rise to another....

If it weren't for that same life and the unexpected, he would still be stuck in the routine of a life that no longer felt like one. Not so long ago he was eager to die and escape the curse of boredom. However, now that he was undead, he felt more alive than ever.

He didn't miss living as a human.

He did not miss the wars that sent young men like him to fight in battles and advocate for ideals that were in no sense his own. Wars like the ones that took his brother away from him, wars that made mothers cry and lose their lives to grief, like his. He didn't miss being part of a greater good, he fancied being selfish, living only for himself and what he deemed worthy of living for, like Pieck.

Pieck who turned him, Pieck who gave him a reason to live in hope and love.

The stories that are told about vampires are rich and wide-ranging. The majority depict them as cold and devoid of emotion creatures who enjoy drinking blood and playing with their mortal victims without any consideration or pity, with no regard for their suffering.

Dracula is the one that, for Porco, is closest to the truth. Leaving out, naturally, his own inability to turn into mist, a bat or a wolf, and how terribly he has fared with the latter when he has encountered them on his nightly hunts with Pieck high in the mountains, puts him quite a distance from what is supposed to be the blueprint for all vampires.

It has been less than fifteen years since Pieck agreed to turn him and allow him to stay with her forever. Overall, he could even be considered a novice vampire, at least in comparison to the more than two hundred years his female partner has been crisscrossing the planet. However, it has been long enough to learn what is both necessary and appropriate, but what the books say is, amongst other things, preposterous and out of proportion.

Porco's hazel eyes, in the darkness of the room, shine like two torches as they scan the words in each book with unprecedented speed.

The library, nestled in Pieck's hideout in an abandoned town once called Liberio, is about the same size as the house itself. To the unsuspecting eye, the house is a dilapidated old manor from which thieves plundered the treasures long ago, leaving only the massive stone and iron columns. Underneath, however, is a hidden cellar and a sealed passageway that can only be opened with the supernatural strength of a creature like Pieck. Not even he, with his years beside her and the same superhuman strength, is able to open it without visible effort.

Once that initial obstacle is overcome, a long corridor rises up with small windows that let in just enough light to clue the nighttime inhabitants as to what time of day they are in. And behind that corridor is a scaled-down replica of the ruined house that exists above ground: three bedrooms, a kitchen - more out of habit than necessity - a living room and a huge bathroom with a bathtub built into the wall, in addition to the library, make up what could be considered Porco and Pieck's home sweet home.

Although it is ridiculous, Porco is not going to stop enjoying his reading and perusing every nook and cranny of the library while Pieck, with all her quirks, tries to do some vampire yoga in the room across on their home.

Stories about vampires always depict them as a kind of blood-drinking skeleton barely able to articulate words and unfit to walk freely in broad daylight, as the sun is their greatest enemy. The only thing they got right is that their skin burns and the acrid smell of ashes is the only thing that lingers in the air after they perish.

In other stories, they are portrayed as having no emotional capacity and could be easily mistaken for an angsty teenagers searching for their identity and place in the world, with little to no impulse control, driven by their whims, manipulating their way until they achieve their goal. In these tales, the depiction is so over-the-top ridiculous that it is almost comparable to handing a child a panic button.

What is undeniable is the enormous capacity of humans to envision and demonize what they do not know.

Superhuman strength and speed, mind reading and control, morphing into wolves, bats and mist? The books detail how versatile their powers are, how they are able to cloak themselves, thanks to their human appearance, and hide for long periods of time in large communities and lead a relatively normal life, without arousing suspicion.

Although there are also accounts that refer to them as ruthless, cruel and stone-cold beings, who toy with the humans they intend to use as food until they have had enough, and only then, kill them in the most violent and painful way possible.

At this, Porco rolls his eyes. In his experience, both he and Pieck are careful with the humans they feed on. They always look for ways not to cause them pain or fear, and above all, to avoid leaving behind scenes worthy of a gorey b-movie.

Perhaps the only time such a scene involved the two of them was when Pieck agreed to transform him into a vampire.

There was a moment where he couldn’t see or speak anything and everything went black for him. He started to listen to a heartbeat, two actually. One was his... the other...

“Pieck?” He asks. He can hear her voice somewhere in the distance, it sounds pained and far, far away.

Meanwhile, Pieck keeps pouring her blood on Porco’s mouth and is silently praying to whatever it is that created them and allowed them to be alive for him to survive this ordeal. She’s panicking now because he’s very pale, dead by now, but he’s not responding to her calling like he is supposed to.

“Porco, wake up!” She cries. “Open your eyes,” She pleads. “Come to me!”

Nothing happens and Pieck panics, falling in a circle of self loathing.

Giving up on him, she lets her head fall on his chest and at this point she’s just a mess of guilt and anguish. Her hair is on her face and his shirt is all bloody with his blood, her blood, her tears. She can’t move, the will to do anything has left her completely so she just lays there beside him on the floor crying.

He hasn’t read anything that depicts accurately how they are created. Probably humans think they just popped out of nowhere. However, vampires themselves have a myth: Ymir Fritz was the first human turned into a vampire, many call her the Founder. She was a slave but became Queen of Eldia when King Fritz was unable to defeat her in battle. He surrendered and married her and, in turn, she made him into a vampire and together they gave birth to their species.

Where are they now? No one knows, they are probably marble statues, since the longer a vampire lives, the whiter and rougher their skin becomes.

One book in particular catches his eye: its dark blue cover with gold sparkles featuring a nine-pointed star, the symbol of Ymir Fritz. However, after a brief glance, he discovers that it is a parody.

Porco snorts, he can't believe he's found a book in which vampires don't roast in the sun, but glow like a fairy in plain daylight without any repercussions for their lives. Pieck must have been really bored to get —and keep— something like that and deem it worthy of their huge underground library.

"Have you found anything interesting, Pokko?" Pieck's mellow voice reaches his ears from the bedroom. Her body doesn't make any sounds when she moves, but her soft breathing tells him that she's still trying to do vampire yoga, as if she needs to.

"Geez, Pieck!" Her taunting giggle is the only response he gets, and aware that she can also hear him from where she is, he retorts: "You scared the hell out of me." He grumbles in fake annoyance.

"Don’t worry, you won’t have a heart attack."

“Tch.”

But it is true, no matter how much she may sneak up behind him to scare him, his heart has long since stopped beating, and if he had remained a human, he would most likely have died many years ago. When Pieck came into his life one night, wounded and seeking shelter, he had lost the will to live. All that remained from the happy Porco who lived with his parents and brother was a mere shell that always reminded him of how much he resembled Marcel. And had he lived, despite his desire to die, he would have been almost forty years old by now.

Putting the books aside and getting up from the floor, Porco makes his way to the bathroom where there is a huge full-length mirror, which he and Pieck use in such creative ways when they make love at night.

A derisive smirk tugs at his lips as his reflection glances back at him through the mirror. There are stories that claim vampires don't see themselves in mirrors and that's the reason they avoid them. If only whoever wrote that knew the things the mirror in his bathroom has seen him do to Pieck.

Sometimes, when he is overcome by melancholy and Pieck's love and company fail to reach the deepest wounds in his heart, Porco wishes that particular myth were real. What would his life be if his brother were alive? What would Marcel's life be if the war hadn't extinguished the light in his eyes? The same deep green eyes that right now were scrutinizing his every feature in the mirror.

As the years have gone by, his skin has become paler and his eyes more golden. Pieck likes to say that he is slowly turning into a lion.

Speaking of Pieck...

A slender hand appears over his right shoulder in the mirror, and down his arm until it curls around his waist. Seconds later, the weight of Pieck's head resting on the space between his shoulder blades confirms that he is no longer alone in front of the mirror.

“Hey,” She greets, nuzzling against him tenderly, “what are you thinking?”

He clears his throat, embarrassed.

His left hand reaches up and intertwines his fingers with Pieck's over his chest, and looking behind him, his gaze meets hers.

“My brother.”

Pieck's embrace grows tighter and a line of kisses and scratches from her fangs on his neck make Porco forget, for a moment, how much he misses his family.

“I’m sorry.”

“You know they were long gone before I met you.”

“I know, it’s just...” She releases her hold on him, walking a few steps to stand in front of him in the mirror, her back against it. “I wish I could ease your pain, but I’d be lying if I say that I never think about my father, I miss him.”

Porco raises his hand to caress her cheeks. “You’re stuck with me forever, remember?”

She smiles softly, leaning against him and hugging him back. Porco buries his face on her neck and taking advantage of their embrace, sinks his teeth on her neck, making her moan in delight.

There’s another thing the books about them seem to ignore or purposefully miss: yes, they are creatures of the night and as their senses, their feelings are heightened to lengths that can’t be explained by words. But since blood is their life sustenance, it is also their means of communication. Drinking the blood of another vampire is a gesture so intimate and so rare, that when it’s done by partners, it’s more than just a confession of love and trust, it goes beyond lust and desire: a vampire can show what they feel through images to their partner when they share their blood, and since words are not his forte by any means, he’s always eager to show Pieck comfort and reciprocate everyday the comfort and peace she gave him.

Licking the tiny marks of his fags on her neck, he nuzzles against it, kissing her tenderly. Pieck, being smaller than him, has a harder time reciprocating his gesture, but she stands on her tiptoes and kisses him back, biting his lower lip and drinking his blood as well.

Emboldened by the gesture, he carries her and sits her in the sink, standing between her legs without breaking the kiss. At this, Pieck leverages herself on his shoulders and —finally— sinks her teeth on his neck, eliciting from him a low growl. He bites her back and through their blood they both convey to each other what their words and their hands, roaming over every inch of the other' s body, cannot: they are together until the end of time and the sadness that each one carries is shared by the other.

Together, they were safe.

#pokopiku fic #pokopiku #pokkopiku fic #pokkopiku #porco galliard/pieckfinger #porco galliard x pieck finger #gallipieck #vampire aesthetic #dark fantasy

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monkey-network · 3 years

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Why Shrek IS The Best

Tastes can change, you know? And it’s less about “What’s good about this now compared to before”, more of “Why would you like this now as opposed to before”? Unless allergic, you didn’t get why dark cola or hot chips tasted bad to you as a child, but when you grow up you can come to understand and appreciate it. Shouldn’t pressure yourself, that makes things worse, but things can certainly align in helping this newfound respect you get for something you’d believe you would never want again. That really is where I stand with Dreamworks’ Shrek. As a kid, while Toy Story left me traumatized for a while, Shrek left me side-eyeing with how crass and ugly it looked and I never wanted to think of it. But, as I grew up to respect animation a lot more, 2018 was where I looked back at Shrek and soon come to understand how wrong I was and how much greatness it has that I now consider it an all time great. And with it getting inducted into the Library of Congress, I thought it was finally time to present what I see in this film. Let’s do this right with...

The SOMEBODY

Now this frame has been meme’d to death. If there’s anything iconic about this film, ‘bout the franchise as a whole, it’s the exact moment when our main character charges out of his outhouse as Smash Mouth’s ‘All Star’ gets going. But this honestly just says a lot about Dreamworks’ direction from its previous films where compared to Disney that’ll take their time making the setup before getting into the hype point for its lead, Shrek gets going in one minute if we don’t count the logo intro. Not even The Emperor’s New Groove, which was going for the same tone before Shrek even released, took more of it’s time with the fairy tale aspect of it in its intro. Shrek literally wipes his ass with the fairy tale aspect before giving us the SOMEBODY, all around a minute. This frame really shows that this is sticking to the Disney formula in some way because it’s wasting no time getting into it. It represents the more brisk pace Shrek has with pulling you into what it’s gonna be about. This overall frame works in its thematic and parody aspect and I’ve yet to see anything top this exact moment, not even the greatest films I’ll ever remember.

But enough about the fact that I made a whole paragraph about this one frame of the movie. Let’s dive into what I say is a piece of the heart for this film.

The Earnestness

Speaking of Disney, you probably notice that their films have some cushioning in their presentation, like they generally don’t show things with a straightforward lens; there’s some theatrics in the way their best movies present themselves. That’s not a problem, mind you, but that helped me understand how Shrek does things very differently whether you consider it parody or not. While it throws mockery at the played out conventions associated with fairy tales, especially its most subtle jab at copyright, it doesn’t full on say fairy tales are annoying and bad. Hell, the film IS a fairy tale adapted from a fairy tale about a fookin’ OGRE that can eat lightning and kills with farts. But, it’s an accurate and earnest way to view a fairy tale from a somewhat realistic lens. Let’s take Shrek’s journey for instance.

Typically, the main character would want to experience something more; explore new horizons, prove themselves, find their calling. Shrek off the bat doesn’t need or desire any of that. He’s content with his life, beside the angry mob he casually scares off, and throughout the film he’s not interested in anything else outside getting the squatters out his swamp. He happily makes a deal with the villain of the film to exile those innocent refugees off his land so he could then build a wall to keep everybody out. Bringing up Emperor’s New Groove again, Shrek and Kuzco are the few characters I know that are actively antagonistic even when they’re forced into their situation from outside forces. However unlike Kuzco that gets to be emperor again but learns humility, Shrek is in the same spot as before but learns that there are people out here that can love him for who he is. I can’t say there’s anything grand about that, but it doesn’t need to be unlike the many Disney or any film that tries to shower you with the grandest themes. The relationships Shrek has with Donkey and Fiona are the most grounded I’ve ever seen because they’re not only natural, they’re hardly dolled up with the bells and whistles made to either drum up the biggest laughs or tug the heart strings viciously. When I think about it, I honestly could see myself in Shrek. He isn’t made to be a legend, he isn’t some secret genius or lost prince, he’s just an every-man ogre that wants to live peacefully or meet SOMEBODY that doesn’t treat as someone to be feared or disgusted at. Everything Shrek says is something anybody could or would say if they were his shoes because he, and the film in general, is the most grounded without making it all distractedly meta or genre-savvy. This is generally helped by...

The Dounkaey

Everyone’s talked about how Donkey is the best confidant for Shrek and Fiona. How he’s most true to himself to where he’s the most openly musical character in the film, and how he’s the most balanced here with his comedic vs serious moments. But I gotta say it too: Donkey is one of the greatest sidekicks ever. He’s a motormouth, but is never annoying to where you wish he left the film. The couple times he is purposefully annoying, not for a joke, is when he knows Shrek isn’t being truthful. He truly gets to know Shrek on this journey, and is the character Shrek gets to capacity to actually loosen up to, so it’s fitting that he’d be the one to push Shrek when the ogre’s sounding more vague than usual. Even when he’s harshly insulted, Donkey doesn’t take it as bad as when Shrek kept trying to shut him out again in the 3rd act after the Hallejulah sequence which is the scene in every Shrek movie where’s there a super sad song because Shrek is alone and yadda ya. I’ll get to it in a bit, but he is as much responsible in providing Fiona that seed of doubt that Shrek wouldn’t love her as the ogre she is. Donkey is the greatest friend because he wants to be there for those who are okay with him being around, and while you could give and take sidekick animals in your notable films with them in it, this film really wouldn’t have happened without him. Speaking of Fiona, I won’t retread what’s been said before like with Donkey but I did want to bring up something I haven’t seen many talk about,,,

The Love for An Ogre

I’ve seen many say the scene where Shrek overhears Fiona talk about “Who could love an ugly beast?” and misinterprets that as her talking about him as a cliched or contrived downside to the film, but I feel that a defense can be made. It personally makes sense that Shrek would misinterpret that and take it personally because 1) Who else would Fiona be talking about? 2) How would he know she was talking with Donkey? 3) Why would he just barge in on her? 4) Has no one considered that this moment is parallel to when Fiona overhears Shrek’s conversation with Donkey the night before?

Fiona is very much the antithesis to Shrek’s character where she can very much be open about what she wants but is scared at the idea of anyone figuring out who she really is. She’ll gladly be gross, kick ass, eat the young of a bird she let explode, but won’t let anyone see her true face. That’s why her curse makes sense, and why Shrek would take a fondness to her despite her initial disdain of him rescuing her. Fiona’s a character where the surface level beauty is her weakness as opposed to Shrek where it’s internal. Which is why when she overhears Shrek open up to Donkey about his societal isolation, she’s soon more comfortable around him. And it’s why when she opens up to Donkey about her looks, Shrek would unfortunately take it personal enough. I ask again, why would Shrek barge in on a conversation he wasn’t aware of or who she was talking about to not take it about anything else but him when what he heard such a cut so deep, especially from a character that bears his similar issues? It also helps that Donkey was in on it, as Shrek feels reasonably betrayed by the only other person he’s come to appreciate in his life. Contrived as it seems, it’s thematically important and appropriate to the conflict of Shrek’s character and the film overall. Don’t know how this could be conveyed any other way because it adds up at least.

I just wanna know how Shrek got to Faarquard’s and back by sunrise like did he run cuz that looked like a huge distance to travel on foot but anyways...

I’m sure things could’ve worked out if Shrek knew, either by barging in that night or through Donkey, but I think it’s fitting that the climax takes place at the wedding. After Shrek and Donkey understand their friendship, after Donkey reciprocates the Dragon’s love (more ways than one), and when Shrek grasps the mistake he made to charge over to Fuccquad’s chapel, we get to...

The End

After everything, we get to the moment where Shrek and Fiona get to share their first kiss, Fiona permanently transforms into an ogre, and we get this exchange. One of my favorite exchanges in the whole film:

Shrek: “Are you all right?” Fiona: “Well yes. But I don’t understand... I’m supposed to be beautiful.”

Shrek: “But you ARE beautiful”

We don’t need any other vows to understand their relationship was built up to this. This moment where Shrek can reaffirm Fiona’s feelings of being able to be herself in every way, because she allowed him to be himself in every way before. That’s that mutual love, baby, that just gets me every time and makes this film one of the best romance stories I know as well, even when it isn’t solely about the romance. This is Shrek’s story, and there’s nothing more touching than seeing this outcast not only get another to view him as a friend, not only someone to love, but people, if only a couple, to actually wanted to get to know him. I know Shrek 2 expands on this more, and it’s considered a golden sequel, but I will always cherish the first movie for how much it tells us off the bat while appearing as a “Take That” to Disney films. This is the genesis of Shrek feeling more accepted for himself and society and it just bears so much good commentary while being a good adventure nonetheless. Like you could say this film indeed has... dimensions? “You were trying to meme about la-”

The Conclusion

Mentioning it, I always had this thought with the conversation Shrek and Donkey had of why Shrek didn’t just “be an ogre” and pillage Fuccnut’s fortress. It’s possible Shrek could’ve taken out Faarquid himself, but that would mean being the beast he knows people have shunned him for, grabbed the torches and pitchfolks for, made him feel worse for. Shrek enjoys being an ogre, but he doesn’t like how society makes him feel lesser as an ogre. That really is what the four films have been about for him and what I’ve come to appreciate about these films personally. It can be easy to love yourself even when there are others out here that stand against you, but it’s hard to consider that anyone else could love you for who you are in spite of how you try to present yourself. But if there’s anything Shrek showed me, it’s that it’s possible. There can/will be people out here who appreciate the real you, will be there as much as you want to for them, and can help you realize more about yourself as opposed to suffering to silence eternally. Generally ideal, I know, but this film in the least offered me that thought in the most balanced way possible. It’s incredible how much of a tightrope this film has in its parody and sincerity and that makes its induction in the National Film Registry and being the first ever Best Animated Award winner pretty justified all things considered.

I know this film, the character, has been a meme over the years. As Schaffrillas mentions in his video, the direction Dreamworks made because of Shrek’s success kinda turned it into a heel people clowned on because, in theory, it was nothing but a joke with the onions and the swamp and IT’S NEVER OGRE. Then again, like I said in the beginning, tastes change. I’d say with Schaff’s masterful analyses on the film series and 3GI’s Shrek Retold and Shrekfest, the perception of the film sure enough shifted like the perception of Megamind. It’s one thing for a movie to blow people away or leave them thinking it’s horrible beyond belief, it’s another to take the time to then look back and see how those feelings have changed. For Shrek, it’s a film that was able to trudge out of the meme era to be a film many consider a strong, rewatchable, and unique. Like the beauty of Spongebob, Shrek is a considered a classic because as in the times as it appeared when it released, this film actually stood on its own with the most enjoyable and meaningful timelessness, exploring the desired love for the self, that deserves to be recognized. What else can I say, people?

It’s The Best

#Shrek #dreamworks #dreamworks animation #animation #movies #cartoons #reviews #analysis #long post #Good Stuff

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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Tex Avery Birthday Spectacular!

Hello all you happy people! And welcome to a celebration of the only cartoon director I knew as a kid and one of the finest whose ever lived, Mr. Tex Avery.

Avery is a legend in the animation industry and rightly so. Starting out at a few other studios, and loosing sight in one of his eyes due to some tomfoolery at one, Tex was annoyed with the restrctive enviorment and eventually found his way to Termite Terrace, the animated shorts wing of Leon Schislenger Productions, aka the future Warner Brothers Studios and the makers of Looney Tunes. And his impact on the franchise is vast, cannot be overstated and I only learned about just how much recently: The man created Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny, created the prototype for Elmer Fudd, and created the design for Porky we’re all far more familiar with.

Eventually though while he was happy there, his career when ended when he eventually got into a squabble with Leon schsinger over the ending of “The Heckling Hare” and left soon after. Given he got a four week unpaid suspension for it , a bit extreme given all he’d given the studio, I can’t blame him. He instead went over to MGM who badly needed his wacky energy, and thus got to go as nuts as he wanted, with creative control a better budget and the result was his peak and classic characters like Red and my personal faviorite and personal boy: Droopy. I will try and do a birthday thing for him next month, we’ll see if my rather packed schedule will allow for it. Point is I watched the guys cartoons a lot as a kid between looney tunes and his shorts being repacked for the Tex Avery show in the late 90′s, and until recently I had no idea the depth and scope of his career: The guy gave looney tunes it’s standard fourth walll breaking and made it a huge part of the industry, and he was the one to hlep htem break out of being a Disney knockoff and into what we know today. The guy has my utmost respect so today I honor him as the first animator to get one of my birthday specials: As is my standard ten shorts, my patreons get to pick one each (I now have two but she start’s next month so her benefits will too) if they so choose (Kev opted out of the porky pig one next week) and I went to my friend blah for a recomendation as he’s an avid fan of the golden age of animation and thus usually has a really good choice up his sleeve. Now that’s out of hte way join me under the cut for some shenanigans as old tex would want it that way.

1. The Gold Diggers of 49 (1935)

This was Tex Avery’s first short with warner and the first of his I could find, not ot mention his first time working with Chuck Jones and Bob Clampett, who he’d mentor and go on to be the heart and soul of Looney Tunes and define the characters Tex created. And since this is more significant than his earlier work i’m coutning it as his first. And as a start it’s.. ehhhhhhh.

I don’t blame him for it though. Most don’t hit it out of hte park their first time up to bat, and frankly the deck was stacked against him. He was saddled with Beans the Cat...

No one brak no one. He was part of an attempt by warner to create a new star as part of a Little Rascals/Our Gang style group of kids debuting in the short “I Haven’t Got a Hat”. This short is notable not for Beans, who no one cares about, but for the debut of Looney Tunes first star: Porky Pig. Porky was just one of the various characters but the only one audiences really liked. It took some time for Warner to get the hint though, hence Beans starring here and Porky playing his girlfriend’s father.. and also now being much older than him for some reason.

So instead of being a Little Rascals ripoff bean is now a mickey mouse ripoff, as the short gives me mickey mouse vibes.. but without the things that made those shorts actually good and feels mostly built on studios trying to make what they think audiences will like. There’s sparks of waht Tex would become.. but just not enough wiggle room for him to make something special. Also porky looks and sounds weird in this one and Bean’s girlfriend has a REALLY annoying voice. Oh and two horrible Asian stereotypes, because it was acceptable at the time but lord was it never okay. Then again I should be at least mildly greatful none of the shorts had blackface.. because tex apparently REALLY had a problem with that, something I obviously didn’t know as a kid as they edited it out but given most of his MGM shorts have “blackface edited out of x version”, yeahhh.... I may like the guy, quite a bit and feel those gags weren’t done out of malice.. but it dosen’t make them okay, they were never okay and he should’ve done better.

2. I Love to Singa (1936) Thankfully our next entry is 800% better, as we get a classic from my childhood and probably multiple childhoods. Admittedly part of the reason this one stuck in my head is the title song, sung by a young jazz singing owl whose dad doesn’t like that he sings Jazz instead of classical, enters a contest and nearly looses singing classical to please his dad only for his dad to intervene and finally accept his son. It’s a wonderful story of acceptance with some decent gags, beautiful animation and one hell of a title track that will probably never leave my head. The song is really what makes this short and sometimes that’s okay. Also just to note so someone else doesn’t: This short was a parody of the Jazz Singer one of the first talkie’s.. and also a film that uses blackface and whose 80′s remake bafflingly also uses blackface for some reason. Yes really.

3. Tortoise Beats Hare (1941)

One of Tex’s only four Bugs Shorts.. but given 3/4 of them are certified classics, and one of them involving a horrible stereotype.. to the point it’s part of the rightfully infamous “Censored 11″ and the ONLY one involving Bugs Bunny.

So as I said, Tex has a bad history with casual racism, and while it was the style at the time and I don’t THINK he was actively malicious towards black people.. it doesn’t make some of his work any less harmful. The rest of his bugs work though is remembered for the right reasons: his first appearance, and early classic we’ll get to next.. and this standout everyone who saw it as a kid or an adult fondly remembers.

You all know the premise: Bugs finds out, in an utterly brilliant wall shattering bit at the start where he reads off the crew names and then the title, that this picture will have him beaten by a turtle and taking offense to that challenges the guy. This is honestly one of the few Bugs shorts where he’s the out and out villain of the picture. He’s doing this race purely out of ego, yells at Cecil whose perfectly nice in this one, and in general is the bully set up for a fall he’d later be famous for taking on. But it works, both because this si early in bugs career so it’s entirely in character, and because Mel just really sells the obnoxiousness while still being funny.

This short also has one of Tex’s trademark setups as this is essentially a prototypical droopy cartoon: A meek, goofy voiced protagonist whose shorter than his large obnoxious enemy and who torments him by showing up every where he’s going to be and casually doing it. Cecil even does so using an army of fellow turtles with Droopy later using a similar trick in one of his shorts. As a big Droopy fan i’m clearly not complaining and while Droopy would do it better, this short’s still a classic for a reason with tons of great bits and is a fun break from the usual bugs setup, though in full fairness the usual bugs setup is still solid gold so take that how you will.

4. The Heckling Hare (1941)

Originally I was going to have Daffy in Hollywood in this spot as I thought it was on Max, it was not, so I swapped it out with his final bugs cartoon. For the record his first, and Bugs, is being saved for Bugs birthday this summer. And honestly i’m glad I did because this was 7 mintues of pure joy that has another setup that Tex himself and other Looney Tunes animators would resuuse: Bugs being pitted up against a far dumber antagonist. One who often still fully deserves it but allows him to just have fun for several minutes at this dumb bastard’s expense. It works well here, with tons of clever gags, my faviorite being the two doing dumb faces with each other only for bugs to stop and pull out a sign as seen right above.

It’s also an approriate capper to our warner made Tex shorts for the day, as this would be the one that got him fired. He and Schisnger argued over it and he got suspended as I mentioned and I found it again a bit fucking extreme. So did Tex and after a handful of shorts elsewhere, he’d move over to MGM, whose cartoons would ironically be bought up by warner. They needed a shot in the arm to compete with Disney and Warner and Tex was happy to provide hte needle filled with nonsense. And the results.. are pure gold.

5. Dumb Hounded (1943)

I’ll admit as a kid I didn’t know Tex’s MGM shorts were theatrical, or any shorts but somehow I knew they weren’t looney tunes. Besidds obviously having hteir own show they just had their own tone and pacing and style. While the Looney Tunes aren’t bad, at all honestly, Tex’s work here was in a class by itself with MGM gladly giving him a higher budget and even more creative freedom. And the results speak for themselves and one of those results is one of if not my faviorite classic cartoon character. And since I might not be able to get to his birthday with one of these next month, though i’m certainly going to try march is just VERY VERY FULL. Anyways point is our happy hero was introduced here. And given i’m frequently depressed and often withdrawn, not that you could tell from my reviews here, I related to this depressed bulldog who always won anyway despite being an outsider, finding love, sucess and always beating a much larger, much more assholish antagonist. But Droopy is good on his own merits as his shorts are just that funny.

This was true from Day One as dumb hounded is fucking perfect: The Wolf that Avery always used in his cartoons escapes from jail and is hunted by bloodhounds including our boy, who charmingly introduces himself with “You know what, i’m the hero”. From there it’s a simple setup but a great one as Droopy finds the guy.. then chases him from here to enternity with one amazing gag after another. Simple, utterly hilarious and the dawn of a legend, with the ending having Droopy go a bit nuts after getting his reward money before returning to his usual demeanor “You know what? I’m happy” So am I bud, so am I.

6. Red Hot Riding Hood (1943)

Yup same year. Tex hit the ground sprinting. This one is his signature MGM toon and for good reason. Using his usual forth wall breaking style, both the wolf and red riding hood rebel when it opens with a typical telling, so it changes to a 40′s nightlife setting: Grandma lives in a penthouse and is man hungry, Red is a fanservicey night club act and the Wolf is a sexually harassing asshole who chases after here and has some over the top reactions to her that are iconic in some’s mind.

The short is gorgeously animated with Red’s dance sequence and Wolfie’s reactions being the highlight and the short isn’t as bad as it could be as the wolf is treated as a scumbag for hitting on her and generally being a creep. SO the first two thirds aren’t bad with nice touches like the narrator clearly improvising the new story. It’s just badly hampered by the last half where Grandma sexually harasses Wolfie and it just doesn’t work. This double standard stuff annoys me and “haha get it it’s funny when a woman stalks a man” isn’t funny. Wolfie stalking her really isn’t that funny either it’s just not you know an entire third of the film. So a classic for a reason.. but one that really has degraded with time. Still worth analyzing and what not, just not great.

7. Who Killed Who? (1943)

Yes still. It was a good year. This is another one off like Red Hot Riding Hood and as is tradition since the Tom and Jerry one, my patreons each get to pick one and Kev selected this one. And this.. was a great choice.

Seriously I could not stop laughing with a great gag a minute, WAY too many to mention, a classic ending, and just nothing but net the whole time. I don’t have much to say really.. but because this one’s just good. The whodunnit genre hasn’t really gone away, it’s cliches are welll known even today and this is a lovely parody of it that hits the ground running after a live action intro and runs right through the wall across a lake and straight into droopy “You moved.”.

The only real observation I have other than “This is fucking awesome watch it immediately” is that the villian looks exactly like the Phantom Blot. Who knew the Phantom Blot was a live action guy with a weird haircut the whole time huh? Seriously this one is a masterpiece, an instant faviorite, and I highly recommend it.

8. Screwball Squirrel (1944)

As you can probably guess by how I lead it in this one is not very good. It is tex TRYING to make a bugs or daffy type character again and somehow failing at it. He created them, he did plenty of shorts like theirs with other characters and got how the cat and mouse antics of the old theatrical shorts worked.. so I have no idea how this one happened.

I’m really not overselling it: The short is about Screwy, who hyjacks it from a cute widdle bunny clearly parodying bambi.. who he beats the shit out of, then decides to get things going asks a dumb dog to hunt him, then insults him to provoke him to attacking him. He then spends the entire short tormenting the poor dumb bastard who again HE PROVOKED. It feels like a poor imitation of dumb hounded, as while Bugs clearly outclassed the dog there, he’d die if he lost, so while he was punching down, he clearly didn’t have a choice and you can’t honestly blame him. Here, Screwy is fine, he just wants someone’s head to fuck with and spends a whole short torturing him. We don’t even get catarsis as while the dog does catch him at the end via weird gag, they end up deciding to beat up the bunny instead.

His voice is also just the worst, just utterly grating and making me wish an anvil woudl fall on HIM instead. Screwy would return for some other shorts but I have no idea why. This was easily the weakest of these ten shorts and I will probably not return to the guy next year.

9. Bad Luck Blackie (1949)

This is one i’d forgotten till I got a ways in. It’s also weirdly one of the only MGM Tex shorts on HBO Max as this was included in the Tom and Jerry collection for some reason, the dog in it clearly isn’t the tom and Jerry verison of spike... though the dog Droopy fought a lot was indeed called spike. Yes that is confusing, no I don’t know why MGM thought this was a good idea.

As a result though I have been saving giving out about this till now but seirously , put the tex avery shorts on HBO Max. Their on Blu-Ray, their on boomerang, especially Droopys. I do not get why they aren’t on here. I’m tired of them holding things out for the boomerang app when not everyone subscirbes to that. Let me have my morose dog dammit.

That giving out aside i’m glad this one caught my eye via i’ts weird name as it’s another masterpiece. It also does what one Tom and Jerry short I reviewed, the one where tom’s a millionare, earlier this month failed to: properly make it’s antagonist loathsome enough to deserve the parade of abuse he gets. With that one Tom is tourturning jerry for like 30 seconds, but Jerry torments him for most of 5 minutes.

Here we get about two minutes of our lead kitten getting torremnted by a mean bulldog. It’s not only still a bit entertaining to lessen the horror just enough to be watchable but not enough to make the bulldog likeable, but it makes what happens for the rest of the short oh so fucking satsifying. While the previous short today really didn’t get the karmic ballance neded for a good classic screwball comedy short this one overwhelmingly does.

Our kitten gets some help in the form of Blackie, a professional black cat who agrees to turn the tables, sauntring across to a wonderfully catchy tune. any time the little guy whistles. The result from there is 5-6 nonstop minutes of comedy genius, as Tex finds new and creative ways for the cat to come out of nowhere, and even shakes things up to keep it intresting towards the end iwth the dog getting the whistle.. only for it to still not work out, and for our little kitten to get his revenge at last by painting himself black after the bulldog paints blackie white. As should be obvious by now, it’s really good, showing Screwball Squirrel was the exception not the rule. In general Tex was this good during his mgm and when he was at his peak we got gems like this. Truly sensational, watch it if you have max it’s under the tom and jerry section for some reason.

10. T.V. of Tommorow A decent one I remember seeing as a kid. Not much to say though, it’s mostly a bunch of gags about “future” tv’s based on their viewer’s needs. Some good stuff.. not as good as most of what was here today but still better than the worst of it and still very memorable and part of a memorable tetralogy i’ll probably come back to when I do Tex’s birthday again next year. Not a bad note to end on though.

Overall these shorts show just how strong a creator tex was, gleefully taking convention and ripping it to tiny pieces. As i’ve mentioned many times i’ll be coming back to his work next year.. and probably be watching a hell ofa lot more in the time between. Might even do a second special on him in between birthday ones. We’ll see how this does. The Tom and Jerry one sadly wasn’t quite the hit I hoped.

Until then I have many other reviews. And since Today (This review is late) was supposed to be the 90′s tom and jerry movie but that turned out not to be on Max for some reason. I still plan to cover it some day i’ll just have to find it and buy it first. But tommorow if I have the time i’ll be continuing the Lena retrospective with an intresting little side trip. So until then, i’ts been a pleasure and you know what? Thanks for reading.

#tex avery #droopy #bugs bunny #porky pig #the gold diggers of 49 #cecil turtle #tortoise beats hare #the heckling hare #tv of tommorow #dumb hounded #red hot riding hood #who killed who #red #spike #bad luck blackie #screwy squirrel #screwball squirrel #owl jolson #I love to singa

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nicklloydnow · 3 years

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“We must picture Hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance, and resentment. This, to begin with. For the rest, my own choice of symbols depended, I suppose, on temperament and on the age. I like bats much better than bureaucrats. I live in the Managerial Age, in a world of “Admin.” The greatest evil is not now done in those sordid “dens of crime” that Dickens loved to paint. It is not done even in concentration camps and labour camps. In those we see its final result. But it is conceived and ordered (moved, seconded, carried, and minuted) in clean, carpeted, warmed, and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need to raise their voice. Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the offices of a thoroughly nasty business concern. Milton has told us that “devil with devil damned Firm concord holds.” But how? Certainly not by friendship. A being which can still love is not yet a devil. Here again my symbol seemed to me useful. It enabled me, by earthly parallels, to picture an official society held together entirely by fear and greed. On the surface, manners are normally suave. Rudeness to one’s superiors would obviously be suicidal; rudeness to one’s equals might put them on their guard before you were ready to spring your mine. For of course “Dog eat dog” is the principle of the whole organisation. Everyone wishes everyone else’s discrediting, demotion, and ruin; everyone is an expert in the confidential report, the pretended alliance, the stab in the back. Over all this their good manners, their expressions of grave respect, their “tributes” to one another’s invaluable services form a thin crust. Every now and then it gets punctured, and the scalding lava of their hatred spurts out. This symbol also enabled me to get rid of the absurd fancy that devils are engaged in the disinterested pursuit of something called Evil (the capital is essential). Mine have no use for any such turnip ghost. Bad angels, like bad men, are entirely practical. They have two motives. The first is fear of punishment: for as totalitarian countries have their camps for torture, so my Hell contains deeper Hells, its “houses of correction.” Their second motive is a kind of hunger. I feign that devils can, in a spiritual sense, eat one another; and us. Even in human life we have seen the passion to dominate, almost to digest, one’s fellow; to make his whole intellectual and emotional life merely an extension of one’s own—to hate one’s hatreds and resent one’s grievances and indulge one’s egoism through him as well as through oneself. His own little store of passion must of course be suppressed to make room for ours. If he resists this suppression he is being very selfish. On Earth this desire is often called “love.” In Hell I feign that they recognise it as hunger. But there the hunger is more ravenous, and a fuller satisfaction is possible. There, I suggest, the stronger spirit—there are perhaps no bodies to impede the operation—can really and irrevocably suck the weaker into itself and permanently gorge its own being on the weaker’s outraged individuality. It is (I feign) for this that devils desire human souls and the souls of one another. It is for this that Satan desires all his own followers and all the sons of Eve and all the host of Heaven. His dream is of the day when all shall be inside him and all that says “I” can say it only through him. This, I surmise, is the bloated-spider parody, the only imitation he can understand, of that unfathomed bounty whereby God turns tools into servants and servants into sons, so that they may be at last reunited to Him in the perfect freedom of a love offered from the height of the utter individualities which he has liberated them to be.”

#lewis #C. S. Lewis #the screwtape letters

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dafukdidiwatch · 3 years

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FoodFight (2012)

The origin story of Sausage Party and The Emoji Movie

I honestly don’t really know where to start with this film. Like I’ve heard of it, I’ve seen reviews of it, I was so sure I wouldn’t ever see this trainwreck because it looked and sounded so bad.

But honestly? This was an amazing film to watch. I don’t even know where to begin because I genuinely enjoyed this movie. This was a fun shitty trainwreck of a movie.

Let’s start with the obvious: The animation sucks. Like the designs are bad, the world building is bad, the animation is bad. Body movement? What body movement? The only body movement we need is arm waving and twirling and nothing else. And those are for characters they were trying for. The Humans, if there are any, are the literal worse with either being amusement park mascots at best or mountain troll monsters at worse. Yeesh they were bad to look at. In fact, a lot of characters in this movie are just, very ugly all the way around.

Celebrities: I feel so sorry for these people. Apparently it took 12 years to make this (like, wtf first off), so a lot of the “big names” they got in the day sort of faded away out of the public light. Not that I actually give a shit about it they got paid either way. I just think out of all of them, Wayne Brady was done dirty. He didn’t deserve to be in this movie, he deserves better than having his name listed in FoodFight. Tim Curry is a riot no matter where he goes, still bringing in his Dr. Frank-n-furter Vibes all the way around. And Christopher Lloyd wasn’t in for long, but by god does he leave an impression. A terrifying impression.

Why are actual food brands in this movie? Ms. Butterworth, what are you doing in here? Charlie Tuna, The Pickle Stork, Mr. Clean? I can’t tell if they did them dirty or not because they are barely in the movie anyway. The most screen-time of them went to Mr. Clean just for the bald clean jokes. It’s like playing Where’s Waldo in finding out where the notable brand icons are.

It’s also fun to play “Who the Fuck is that guy?” because there are a lot of brands being parodied here. Captain Crunch turned into Shitty Admiral Chip Peg. Chocola is a disco gay vampire bat. Some weird disturbing french cheese men....no idea who he is for but hey! That’s what the game is for! Trying to see what their ugly abominations were supposed to be in the light of day.

The only “decent” animated characters are the main one: Dex Dog-tective who speaks nothing but puns, every sentence. All the time. You want to start a counter on all the food puns he makes, but you also don’t because I’m sure it’s in the Hundreds. It also doesn’t help that he is like...furry bait? That’s the best way to describe him since he is like the Better animated characters they tried to make him handsome so...furry bait. Then we have Sunshine Goodness who is a terrifying uncanny valley creature which is just an anime catgirl that the animators decide to give up half way and hope her dead eyes give out the allure she has. But uh oh, watch out Sunshine, Lady X of Brand Ex is coming in with her twig-ass Dominatrix Barbie outfit trying to seduce your man...a talking golden retriever. Her dead glass eyes have its sights on seduction and world domination one fetish at a time.

I’m not kidding about the fetishes either, this movie is just throbbing with sexual tension. In the worst way. Like you think the food puns are a lot? Well the sex innuendos are giving them a run for their money. There is so many sex jokes. So many tension of the “oh the bad guy good guy flirt? Hwot” This is supposed to be a kids film and yet you are having jokes of raisins = nipples, chocolate = dicks, "I'll have you roll over and begging for mercy" is too sexually charged for this movie like.....AHHHHH. I fear for the children who learn their kinks through this movie. And that’s just the verbal! The visual is sexy dominatrix. Sexy plaid school girl. Sexy villain nazi-stand-in dominatrix. Sexy Tango. Sexy...sniffing?? God they were trying So so so hard and it pissed me off to no end: 50% in-credulousness because who the hell thought this was a good idea to have kids watching this, 50% anger because I’m somewhat pissed that some unfortunate lines had the gall to be actually good for romantic tension....if it WASN’T TIED TO A BAD FETISH FILM! Like, you can have sexual chemistry, but when sky planes fly out of someone’s vagina you know it’s a fetish film.

But hey, enough stalling, let’s actually talk about the plot of this movie.

It’s Casablanca.

Like dead ass Casablanca.

After losing the love of his life a grizzled detective man ends up running a club where he has to face off against nazis. This is deadass Casablanca where Rick had a dark romantic fling with a nazi at a grocery market. The decisions they went with like the bad rendition of the French National Anthem to be food themed that I could barely hear. Brand X having a nazi-like salute if someone misspelled YMCA with one letter. The...actual weird torture murder scenes? This movie was wild enough, you didn’t need to add in death to the mix. They even had the side characters from Casablanca being in here like the Moose guy being the piano player, and the weasel looking dude being the....weird ass dick weasel in this movie.

And now, some random lines that I liked:

"I just want to be loved"

"Whats the point if having luxurious hair if you can't look yourself in the mirror"

"Oh Yeah, sure, no prob, except I don't have a death wish"

"But you were recalled?! And butt ugly!?"

Overall: I honestly swear to god believe this could and should be the next Rocky Horror Picture Show. This is that level of just...badshit craziness where everything is wrong and beautiful that we can laugh at it all. This needs to have like, it’s own riff track, audience participation, SOMETHING because there is too many golden moments to let it fly by.

If you can get your friends and tell them NOTHING about this movie and see their reactions. Because that is what I’M going to do with mine.

#dafukblog #Dafuking Films #foodfight #food fight #foodfight 2012 #week 42 movie

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chandelier-s-notebook · 4 years

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Hello Internet! So I wrote a stylized transcript of events from @moonbowphobia and @mcyt-apocalypse-au‘s wedding the other day. I apologize from the deepest place in my heart if I messed up anyone’s pronouns.

I hope you enjoy my little rendition of events.

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Moon was sat in their dressing room; deep blue and black ball gown splayed over the loveseat while their sister Chandelier put the last finishing touches to their hair; Vi and Rib playing cards on the floor; Vibes trying to keep the vodka away from Aria; the chaos was comforting, but Moon was nervous. It was their wedding day. They would be marrying the love of their life, Abi.

“Help! I’m scared!”

“Take a deep breath.” Moon did as Vibes instructed, taking a deep breath in, and letting it out slowly. “You love Abi. She loves you. You’re going to be fine.”

“Am I though? Rib help!”

“Am I not help enough?” Vibes joked.

“No, of course you’re helping. I just nee-“

Vi slaps them across the face. “YOU LOVE HER BITCH JUST KISS HER CMON!”

Chandelier whips around to push Vi back to the floor. “Play your card game. That’s not helping, nor how weddings work.”

Moon laughs at their sister’s antics. At least someone is calm. “I got one of Lu’s cupcakes!” Vibes calls, skidding back into the room. When did they leave? “Here.”

“Thank you,” Moon reaches for the treat. Biting into it and eating with vigor.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yes.” Moon polishes off the cupcake. “Oh go! Two minutes.”

“Bitch calm down!” Aria says, shaking her best friend by the shoulders.

“Ah yes. The drunk friend always calms people down.” Vibes let the sarcasm seep into their voice, trading a look with Chandelier.

Chandelier goes about shooing Aria and Vi out the door; trusting that Vibes will follow and keep them in line. She brushes the crumbs off of her sibling’s jet black skirt and fixes their headpiece one final time. “You will be fine Moon. Everything will go well. You don’t have to worry about a thing. Let me do that.”

“Okay. Thank you Lier.”

“Anytime.” Lier beckons Rib to follow them out to the altar. Rib grabs the pillow and rings and skips after them, careful not to step on Moon’s train.

Vibes is already at the podium. Moon and Rib set themselves off to the left side. Lier fixes their midnight blue embellished train as they take in the crowd.

Fenn is in the corner playing something on her switch and Vi is on the opposite side doing the same. Ozzie is sitting with the rest of their siblings, trying to waggle them into compliance; their every expression screaming ‘this is fine’ in a deadpan tone.

“Please help,” Moon whispers to the ether.

“It’s okay.” Lier squeezes their shoulder before tucking one of Rib’s stray hairs away and going to calm the masses.

“I’m sure Abi is just as worried at you are,” Vibes consoles.

Aria runs from behind the bar with a glass. “Drink this vodka mix and calm down.”

“Thank you,” Moon gushes, taking the glass from their best friend’s hands. Only for it to be swiped away when Lier comes to collect Aria and get her in place, so the wedding can start. Moon is thankful for their sibling, but they really wanted that drink.

They see Vi run out and down the drink in Lier’s hand before she can stop her. Lier sat Aria down and started to whisper lecture to her niece. Or what looked like whisper lecturing.

Lightly slapping Lynn’s hand away from the cupcakes, Lier goes to put the glass away. Moon watches Lynn sprint to the other dressing room. Looks like Abi needed a snack as well.

Lier pokes her head into Abi’s room. She comes out and locks eye with Moon, giving them a little thumbs up. Moon takes a deep breath, looks at Rib and zeir comforting smile. They give Lier a nod. She cues Star to start playing the wedding march.

Des comes out first, throwing roses Lier procured on the floor. She goes to sit next to Aria in the front row. “God fuck, why am I getting nervous,” Aria whispered to the older girl.

Then comes Tabz in all her glory. She nods to Moon and goes to stand on Abi’s side of the altar.

The first section of the song ends. There are a few seconds of silence before the piano resumes and Abi turns the corner. She walks down the aisle gracefully, her white off-the-shoulder cape flapping gently behind her. Moon can’t keep the smile off of their face.

Neither can Abi. She’s smiling wildly; the only thing keeping her from tripping on her face is the sturdy arm of her father right beside her. Sooty lets go of her hand as she takes her place next to Tabz.

Moon slowly nudges the mask off of their face; showing their visage to Abi, but hiding it from the audience. They smile at each other and Vibes starts to speak.

“Today, we are here to unite Moon and Abi together.”

Moon can see Aria trying not to cry out of their peripheral vision. They hear someone cracking open a can, of course, was it Corn?

“Moon,” Vibes asks. “Do you promise to never give Abi up, never let her down, never run around, and desert her?”

“I promise.”

“Abi. Do you promise to never make Moon cry. Never say goodbye, never tell a lie and hurt them?”

“I do.”

“Moon, do you take Abi to be the ‘yee’ to your ‘haw’?”

“I take Abi to be the ‘yee’ to my ‘haw’.”

"Abi, do you take Moon to be the kazoo noise to your Mono?"

“I do take Moon to be the kazoo noise to my Mono.”

“Then with the blessing of this church, I now pronounce you partners for life. May I have the rings?”

Rib scurries to present the golden pillow to Vibes. “Yes,” ze says, tears in the corners of zeir eyes.

Abi grins and reaches of Moon’s hands, slipping the ring of their finger. Moon does the same for Abi.

"May these rings be a sign of love and faithfulness in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Turn up your nose, strike that pose. Hey Macarena. Y'all may now kiss."

Moon cups Abi’s face, both have tears in their eyes. Moon brings Abi in for a kiss, thankful that the mask is still there keeping this moment private for the prying eyes of the audience.

Star starts to play Megalovania as the attendants applaud to newlywed couple. The song continues as everyone files out of the ceremony room to the reception hall. Purple light flooded the room, the guest sat in round tables of eight according to the seating chart. String lights hanging from the rafters to look like stars in the night sky.

Unnie was ferrying food from the kitchen to the guests. Aria was handing out drinks to whoever came up for one. She was about to give Rib one, but with one glare from Lier, Rib got an apple juice.

The room was filled with sounds as everyone ate and got drunk. Aria pulled Moon to the dance floor after handing out vodka shots to Vi and Corn. Abi stumbles out onto the dance floor as well, laughing and having a good time.

Vibes comes over to Lier and offers her a glass of champagne. They clink their glasses together. It was a good show they pulled off.

“So how are you doing these last few days, buddy?” Corn gave Rib her shot glass, sticking her tongue out at Lier who was glaring over the rim of her drink.

“Congrats on your wedding! I hope your marriage lasts for three hours!” Vi yells at her parents, leaning heavily on her fiancée’s arm on her way to get more drinks with.

“Fuck off Vi!” Abi screams back, content to keep dancing with Moon.

Lynn backs into a corner, drinking her apple juice and watching the scene in amusement. She is the first to the tower of cupcakes. “Cake!”

“Cake!” Aria screams.

Star agrees with the drunk one, “Cake time!”

“Cake!” Vi barrels passed everyone, not caring who she knocked over. “Sugar rush Violet activating!”

Corn silently takes half of the cupcakes with her. Batting Vibes’ hands away when they try to stop her. Lier helps Unnie dish out an equal number of cupcakes to everyone else.

Once everyone was satiated, Rib and Lier broke into the pile of pizza boxes. Pizza is a good substitute for cake; what are you talking about?

Then it was time for gifts. Rib gave zer parents a switchblade, embellished with a motif of leaves and wooden paneling, and a beautiful floral metal necklace. Lier gave them a coaster with Moon’s mask design on it, and a handmade Technoblade plush toy. Aria gave them a set of moonstone chokers.

The couple loved them so very much. Hugging each of the gift givers in turn, they thanked each one.

Then the two backed away from the crowd to exchange gift with each other away from the audience. They started screaming I love yous to each other shortly thereafter.

Everything was calming down a little, so Vibes started to play Blitz Parody by Technoblade on the piano while Lier sung and botches along with a chord chart and a ukulele. Then Aria played Highway to Hell on the drum set, Vibes singing this time.

Once they were done, Vi grabbed her guitar and started playing The L’Manburg anthem. It became a drunk sing along, with Rib, Abi, and Vi herself joining in. Both Star and Corn joined in for the “Fuck Eret” line.

“I’m gonna cry,” Moon said, watching the scene in front of her.

“Don’t cry love,” Abi consoled, halting her singing.

“What’s wrong?” Vibes asked.

Lier came over with a tissue. “Happy tears?”

“Happy tears.”

“It all started on a day like any other!” Corn yelled in tune.

And they’re off again. Singing an Ode To L’Manburg.

Abi throws the bouquet at them. Vibes manages to catch it. Vi bites their arm in retaliation. Berl drags Vi away kicking and screaming.

“With a heart that she’d taken from me,” Star continues to sing the song in the background with Rib.

“Moony honey, are you okay?”

“This was beautiful.”

“It is! It’s lovely.” The two smile, just looking at the crowd.

Vi raises her shot over her head, standing on a table. “A toast to Moon and Abi, who I bet will divorce by December.”

“A toast to kicking Vi to the curb,” Lier mutters. Having given up on keeping people from hurting themselves, she again clinks glasses with Vibes again.

“Vi you are on a timeout you fucking little shit.” Abi yells.

“I bet they’ll do it by the month after October.”

“Rib!” Corn whacks zer across the back of zeir head.

Vibes goes to distract. “Let’s all have another round!”

“Moon it’s okay. C’mere.” Abi brings her partner in for a hug, before they murder two of their children.

Moon returns the hug as Aria screams in shock. “Guy this fucking wall is talking to me!”

“Aria that’s it. Time to go home. You are to drunk,” Vi says, slurring her words.

“Aria! Go home,” Abi yells. “I love you Moony,” she says quieter.

“I love you too.”

“No! Me staying her with ma best friend Moon!” Aria screams back; to the wall instead of the people. Huh. Maybe she should go home.

“A toast,” Vibes holds up their glass. “A proper one. For Abi and Moon; may they live happily ever after!”

“May they live ever after!” Star cheers.

“Cheers I guess…” Corn says, not sure what’s going on anymore. Too many drunk people.

“Cheers bitches!” Aria says, getting dragged by her legs while Vi yelled at her.

“Go. Home. You. Are. Drunk.”

“Vi, no.” Lier goes to dislodge the two. “Let Aria stay here with me.”

“Aria you want to come with me?” Vibes asks. “I have some ice.”

“She will be fine in my sight.”

Abi stares into Vi’s soul. “Put her down.”

“Okay mom.”

Aria’s feet drop to the floor and she just lays there. “No, I want to stay with Lier.”

“I love ice!” Rib calls from the other end of the room, where ze is standing really close to a vase.

A drunken Moon then starts giving out food from the kitchen people. Unnie decides that they don’t get paid enough to care.

Aria looks to Lier. “But I want ice.”

“Then get up. You can come with me to the ice machine.” The two of them go to where Rib and Vi are munching quietly with Star.

“Y’all can see the walls moving right?” Aria asks again.

“Uh, yeah, sure Aria. They’re doing jumping jacks and everything.” Abi says, grabbing a handful of ice for herself.

“Aria, I think I’m seeing that walls talk too,” Vi said way too loudly for their proximity.

Rib turned back to the vase. “So, ya come here often?” Ze was slurring zeir words all over the place.

“Aria sit down. Rib are you flirting that was vase?” Lier facepalmed.

“Yes Vi! They are talking!”

Lier stands up, leaving them to it. “I’m getting the hose,” she muttered to Vibes on her way out. “If I remember correctly Abi said arson was allowed after the ceremony.”

“These guys are so weak to alcohol, let’s hope they forget that.”

Vi knocks over Rib’s vase while talking to the walls with Aria. “Ooh! Mango!” She them proceeds to eat some.

“NOOOOO!” Rib cries. “My beloved!”

Vibes rushes over to get Vi to cough it up.

“Vi how could you!” Rib shouts.

“Cronch. Tasty.”

Aria picks that moment to start playing the death metal to get some good head banging. Abi tries to hold in her laugh, but can’t. Rib starts sobbing in an ugly drunken fashion, bopped zeir head as well.

“Well at least no one is hurt yet,” Vibes says when Lier returns with the hose.

Star is still sitting to the side, drinking her apple juice quietly now that their’s no songs within her vocal range to sing.

“Let’s do Coke!” Aria suggests.

“No. Aria. No.” Lier stands right in Aria’s face. “I will literally make a PowerPoint on why that’s a bad idea.”

“Yeah! Coke!” Vi cheers, but Aria is already trying to shush her.

“No. No. Coke.”

“Why?” Vi complains.

“You ate my future wife!” Rib yells.

Lier muttered a question to herself. “Is me holding the threat of an informative PowerPoint really enough to stop Aria?”

“It’s okay. I’m good. Sorry Lier. OMG no. No PowerPoint necessary!”

“Smile on nod,” Lier said to herself.

“PowerPoints are scary,” Aria explained.

“No they aren’t,” Abi piped up.

“Do you want her to do coke?”

Abi paused to take in the question. “PowerPoints are terrifying,” she says deadpan.

“Any song requests?” Star asked when the death metal ended.

“Something sad,” Rib said, “because that’s how I feel. I feel betrayed and backstabbed.”

“Could you do ‘Cost of the Crown’ for me?”

“Wait there’s a crown!” Abi jumped up. “I want a crown!”

Abi was very clearly drunk, so Vibes handed over a paper crown before she hurt herself.

“POG!”

“By a sibling no less!” Rib continued to scream.

“Shuddup out prick!”

“Shut up, murderer!”

As this conversation continues, Star starts to play ‘Let it Go’ on the piano. Abi and Vibes are dueling, not half badly, but defiantly in the wrong key.

“Fuck you! You murdered my beloved!”

“I’ll do it again fucker!”

“She ate my wife!”

“Rib and Violet. Calm. Down.” Vibes went to stand between them.

“It’s only a vase, calm down,” Ai adds.

“I WILL NOT CALM!”

“Rib calm down, Moon and I will get you another.”

“It wasn’t just a vase! It was the mother of my future children!”

“I’ll fix her if you calm down,” Abi reasoned.

“Okay. I’m calm. Fix her please.”

“I’ll fix her tomorrow, don’t you worry kiddo,” Abi soothed.

“Don’t worry, she’s not gone yet,” Vibes said. “Just sleep for now Rib, she’ll be okay.”

“She’ll be even shinier than the day you met her kiddo, don’t you worry!”

Lier came over with a glass of ice. “Have some water before you dose off on us.”

“Yay!” ze said sleepily. “Ice.”

Lier starts putting the pieces into a large Ziplock bag.

“Are y’all gonna do some necromancy?! No!” Vi them process to charge at Lier, pushing her over and breaking the pieces into even smaller ones.

“Vi,” Lier falls back into a deathly calm tone. “We just got Rib is calm down.” She gets up and into Vi’s space. “I will slowly dismember you part by part if you do not shut up this moment”

“No!”

“Ok Vi. You’re right. I’m not going to hurt you. But please stop breaking the vase.”

Rib had started worry again. Abi started shushing her child again. “Don’t worry, Rib vasey is completely fine.”

“And now I will sing N/A my MegaPvP!” Vibes said. For the first time, Lier wondered if Vibes was truly sober.

Rib places an orange peel on Abi’s shoulder. “Here you go mother.”

“Huh?”

“Okay! Pack it up family! Time to go home!”

“But my vase!”

“Will get super glued together tomorrow.”

Lier finds where Ozzie has secluded themselves, and forces them to help get everyone into cars and home safely. Thank goodness she had had the foresight to book a couple vans and drivers.

#ramble

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dianadragonfly · 4 years

Text

Okay, hang on bitches, cause Imma bout ta rewatch “The Final Problem.” I’ve seen it once since 2017. And because there is no commentary on the disc I have, I will be providing the commentary.

[[MORE]] Since I started my “rewatch and comment” spree, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Things that had previously stood out in my mind as being particularly not-good are really not that bad. Most were actually really short moments that stood out in retrospect because they seemed incongruous with how well-written and acted everything else was.

Up till season 2, the writers could do no wrong whatsoever. The exact moment I experienced a “well that was overdone” moment of questioning the writers was when Sherlock broadcast a picture of Mary on the outside of the facade in “His Last Vow.” From there, I had moments of doubt and questioning plot and directing choices that took away from the narrative. But, except for the moment John sees Mary die, I never ever questioned the acting choices. The actors are so amazing. And I’m not just saying that because Ben and Martin are hot.

As I prepare to watch the episode, there are several scenes that I dread. Opening with the girl on the airplane reminds me of how much I hated this trick. If the girl is Eurus messing with them, then why do we see it acted out? If we cannot trust that what we see is a reality, then all of the “Mind Palace” theories of TFP (i.e. that it actually took place in a dream or in the head of a character) have some authenticity to them. Ugh.

Damn. I’d forgotten the “Hello. My name is Jim Moriarty” part of the intro. No need for that if the girl is just something in Eurus’s imagination.

Oh shit. I hate hate hate hate everything about this scene of Mycroft.

First of all, there is security in Mycroft’s house.

Second of all, he would have skewered any of those actors with the umbrella sword or shot one of them with the gun.

Why are the paintings crying blood? John and Sherlock couldn’t accomplish that... once we add scary clown it’s just too much. Even for Sherlock.

Oh stop with the heavy-handed East Wind references. Dammit, I loved this show for its subtly. Killer clowns are not subtle, even in pranks.

Now with Mycroft here, in the client position, refusing to sit, with the Baker Street Boys in their chairs - this is what I came for. The light, the look on their faces, the composition of the shot.

Oohh Hudson throwing some shade. John’s half smile...

Is the skull portrait glowing? I can’t tell.

“That’s why he stays!” Fuck yeah. John’s half smile again...

“Middle child. Explains a lot.” As a middle child, I resent that remark. And sort of get it.

So the flashing back and forth in time, with the ashes of Musgrave Hall in the apartment, 5 year old Eurus answering grown-up Mycroft’s questions, the pebble: all of that would be okay, if not a tiny bit less than subtle, had we not just fought a goddamn clown in the scene before.

Oh goddamn. The stupid fucking patience gernade and that song.

Of course Mrs. Hudson vacuums to Iron Maiden.

It’s Sherlock’s turn to half-smile. Cute.

Beautifully shot here with the above view and all three of them at different points on a circle around it.

Ugh. I have to turn away at the “action shot” of them jumping out the window. This is not “Die Hard.” It’s not a cop buddy movie. We just got a really well played, fun little scene where they talked a about Oscar Wilde to avoid talking about the fact that they might die. That’s what I watch Sherlock for.

There was a fan fic written around 2012 that mentions “The Importance of Being Ernest.” Coincidence? Creators reading fanfic? I know Wilde and ACD were contemporaries, but it’s interesting. I can’t think of any other literary works that are alluded to in canon. It’s funny it should be this one.

And now we’ve commandeered a boat. Seriously.

All of the other episodes, I had more patience with on this go-around where I get a chance to type out reactions and reflect on how they are put together. But I’m finding that isn’t the case with this one. I’m just pissed. Give me one or two unbelievable moments or plot twists in an episode and I can sustain it. But between the airplane, killer clowns at Mycroft’s, the patience gernade, and this, I’m already done and we’re 20 minutes in. Sherlock looks like a goddamn vampire bat. And seriously, why does Mycroft need to steal a boat? And write a message in the sand? What the hell? Why dress up?

Sherlock’s security guard act cracks me up.

Oh his face when he sees Eurus. His. Face. Curiosity. Heartbreak. Empathy. Pain. Doubt. Fear. THIS is my show. Not patience gernades, killer clowns, dressing up like a sea captain etc in one damn episode.

She “enslaves” people... magical Eurus who makes people kill their family. Really?!

Oh no. He ignores “Vatican cameos.” I forgot that. He chooses to ignore John’s warning.

His face.... Jesus Benedict can act.

Big bouncy red alert! Okay, what was with the spinning John face when he gets knocked out?

This constant shift between wondering what the hell is happening, wondering if the show has become a parody of itself, and then bouncing back to this heart wrenching narrative — is that the point of this episode? Like “The Empty Hearse” or “The Abominable Bride”? But those episodes explained themselves after they pulled the rug out. As soon as something got to the point of absurdity, it was explained. Sherlock didn’t swing in a window at Bart’s and kiss Molly but we briefly were led to believe he did. Moriarty and Sherlock aren’t really kissing on the roof. (By then we knew what was up though). Sherlock didn’t really attempt to dig up a dead Amelia Rocoletti. We understand it’s a drug-induced dream.

This rapid jumping back and forth with half-assed explainations — I’m coming to believe this off-balance feeling is the point of the episode but I don’t like it. I like it even less than I did before.

Oh Andrew Scott. I love you.

The bastards wait till 5 minutes into the Moriarty scene to tell us it’s 5 years ago. That constant pulling out the rug — I will at least excuse that because there is a plausible explaination given. But it’s a cheap trick. This episode is one cheap trick after another, with only a few moments, here and there, of characters actually interacting.

So it’s late and I don’t know if I have the heart to make it through this whole episode tonight. To be continued....

Edited:

Starting at scene 5 on the DVD because that's when Sherlock sees Eurus for the sort of first time. I kind of just want to bask in Ben's performance here again.

After the last episode, clean-shaven Sherlock in a suit is a relief. He's back... at least a little.

His small smile when he asks her how she got out. . .

I'm realizing how much of this scene had to be Benedict looking directly into the camera and talking to Eurus. That had to be intimidating.

***I've skipped ahead to closer than where I was last night because the small people in my house will want food soon. Parentig gets in the way of fangirling. ****

I still love the Hungry Donkey story.

OH MY GOD! I forgot how much I love Andrew Scott here!!!

Are they making out through the glass?

And now the four of them wake up in a cell but this one has glass. Ugh. The plane again. I love how Sherlock changes his voice here to talk to the girl. He isn't incapable of reading people and reacting to them. He just usually can't be bothered. There’s a fan theory that says Sherlock is autistic. I was going to comment that this skill of his is evidence that he’s not but I stopped myself. He -knows- HOW one needs to act to get people to respond to him, but it’s a learned skill. Which actually might add evidence to the “autism” theory more than the sociopath theory.

Mark Gatiss - I forget what an incredible actor he can be. Whoa.

These scenes - these scenes where they have to apply themselves to a task that Eurus sets for them -- they are so fucking good. Tense and well-acted. I can see every emotion on every actor's face. The rest of the episode should have been better to make it worthy of these performances. It physically hurt watching John try to shoot the governor.

Someone said that Jim Moriarty went from a criminal mastermid to manical Thomas the Train Engine on this episode and I can't unthink that any time he flashes on the screen.

I had a moment, when Eurus was using such clinical language of behavioralism ("prompts") etc that I flashed back onto my life as an ABA instructor. Seriously. I know they are a million miles away but no one watching this would ever think, even for a second, that Eurus was morally right. Why, then, do we do a smiliar thing to autistic children? I had a moment of revulsion then. (Restirct physical liberty and autonomy, make them complete a command that's nonsensical for either reward or aversive. Give prompts. Follow through (deny reward) if one deviates from the prompt). She might as well been saying "Touch table, Sherlock." ("Touch table" is one of the first directives often given in ABA. It's easy to manually prompt (force) a kid to do and helps the kid realize the link between following the requests and obtaining rewards.)

Sorry. ABA rant is slightly off topic.

To be continued in comments ..

#bbc sherlock #benedict cumberbatch #martin freeman #johnlock #the final problem #andrew scott

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krolock-in-the-snowlock · 4 years

Text

Part 2 - Broadway’s Dance of the Vampires Commentary

Act 2

• And here we are again, after taking a week or two to recover from act 1

• I have no idea what’s going to happen but I’m gonna finish what I started, no matter what it takes

• Ok the video is ready, I don’t think I am but here we go

• Ok well the opening music was more like titanic than tanz

• Ooh ok we have lots of vague figures on stairs, probably vampires but it’s hard to tell with the 480p video quality

• Hmmm are we having a reprise of totale finsternis?

• That staircase is looking

• Glad to see the audience is cracking up again at the use of total eclipse of the heart

• Those couple guys are having a great time

• They’re like

• haHAAA

• Good for them

• Glad someone’s enjoying this

• I would be annoyed that this whole thing is seen as funny when the original scene is really cool but hey this whole thing is just one big old parody so what could I expect

• Distancing myself from it by calling it a parody is the only thing getting me through thiis

• I don’t think they’re using all the same lyrics as total eclipse so at least there’s that

• But the lyrics are too romancey and soppy ugh

• Michael your singing is actually quite nice aside from the hint of giovannui at the edges of your words

• ARE THEY NOT DOING THE HARMONIES

• NO

• The harmonies are the best part of the song noooo

• And I think his voice would probably harmonise quite well

• And he ISN’T SINGING TURN AROUND WITH THE BACKING SINGERS

• wHY

• there was no dramatic krolock walking down the staircase slowly

• but then again I don’t think giovanni could do that

• he’d probably trip on the second step, crash down the stairs and be like I’m a-fine! Hee hee!

• Oh

• Oh no

• I think they are doing harmonies but they’re just

• Wrong

• So wrong

• Or maybe good ol’ giovanni has just forgotten the key he’s supposed to be singing in

• Entirely possible

• I don’t think giovanni would particularly care about the rules of music

• Oh giovanni is literally just like come to the gates of hell with me and sarah seems chill with iy

• She’s singing along

• She’a having a good time

• NOOO they harmonised poorly during the verse where there should be no harmonies but they sTILL WON’T HARMONISE IN THE CHORUS

• I HATE IT

• -22/10 would not listen again

• But then that sums up the whole musical tbh

• The phrase ‘hold me tight’ should not be in this song

• Wrong vibes my friends

• This fails the vibe check

• Oh no they’re attempting a couple of the original harmonies

• 2 lines in and it’s not going well

• ???????

• Wait

• They’re both singing harmonies for sarah’s line but NOBODY IS SINGING SARAH’S LINE

• Sarah sing your own part

• What r u doing

• Sarah

• This is horrible pls stop

• Once again the staging is mostly just the two pigeons again

• Except the squawking is more evenly split between the two

• Back and forth

• Wait

• Hmm

• There appears to be either a cult or aa group of monks (is there a name for that? A flock of pigeons, a murder of crows, a prayer of monks?) gathering in the backgroubd

• Did nobody tell them yhis room was taken

• Or maybe sarah and giovanni didn’t book the room

• Maybe it’s just turned midnight and their hour is up

• Someone check the dramatic staircase room booking sheet pls

• Ok ok but there’s nothing you can do, a total eclipse of the heart??

• The whole point is that sarah is trying to choose to be free and make her own choices

• If there’s nothing she can do then that sort of defeats the purpose

• Oh wait yeah this sarah wasn’t locked up

• Never mind

• None of this makes sense anyway

• Really missing krolock’s cape rn

• Nothing looks as good without it

• If giovanni had a cape he might even make it from a -13/10 to nearly a 1/10

• Oh the cult is following giovanni

• Maybe he invited them..?

• Having that many candles on the stairs cab’t be practical

• And tbh is frankly quite dangerous if u ask me

• …and once again we end with some undeservinf applause

Round 4: the boys are back in town

• Ah here comes alfred with his self-narration

• Did he just lightly crack the fourth wall..?

• Oh god and the vampire hunting squad is joined by giovanni ‘buonasera’ von krolock

• Ew did he just say scrumptious? That word should be spoken by grannies and posh mothers alone

• I love how he’s just sat in a throne in the middle of nowhere

• Is this outside his castle? Inside? Somewhere else entirely? We may never know

• Oh sorry I stand corrected it appears I have been incorrectly naming giovanni this whole time

• His full name appears to be count giovanni coppolini travancoli von krolock (or something along those lines) of the sicilian side of the family

• Albus percival wulfric brian dumbledore anyone?

• I just.

• Why is he italian

• Krolock does not sound remotely italian

• Do vampires have a connection to italy?

• If so I am not aware

• Once again, I must ask: why is 75% of the staging of this musical just people stood at opposite ends of the stage facing each other

• Those bats look like family? I guess they would

• Oh my god why is alfred threatening giovanni

• I guess nobody’s gonna be pretending not to know what the others are

• Which gets straight to the point I suppose

• While not necessarily good at self-preservation, alfred sure is efficient

• But maybe too efficient because we still have an hour left to go

• This version of alfred is like a chihuahua with small dog sydrome yapping at a bigger dog, excpet giovanni is only slightly bigger than him and is probably a flea-infested chinese crested dog dressed in a halloween costume from wish.com

• …piccolo alfredo.

• This scene is really bringing out the offensively fake italian in giovanni

• WHY. IS. HE. OFFERING. ALFRED. A. SPONGE. SHAPED. LIKE. A. PENIS

• WHY IS HE MAKING IT GO FLACCID EWWWW NOOO

• I NEED EYE AND BRAIN BLEACH

• Are they saying… erbert..?

• Oh yay he’s french

• Quick tip, directors: the french would not pronounce the t either unless you added an e at the end (I think)

• Also e is more like air rather than er from what I remember

• So really it would be airbair??

• Which is stupid

• Tl;dr: do not make him french and still call him herbert

• Oh and herbert wearing bright blue? No thx I prefer his purple sparkles and black

• His hair and wig aren’t even done well *sigh* herbert would hate this

• See giovanni made a joke and the audience clearly liked it but I could not catch a word of what he said

• Oh god this herbert is wrong

• Herbert never actually speaks to krolock in tanz

• Which tbh is a shame but i prefer it over… whatever this is…

• Huh so it is set in transylvania, giovanni and airbear are just italian and french bc y not

• Neat

• Cool cool cool

• Wait so they were in the library the whole time???????

• I’m so confused rn

• Why does his library have a coffee bar..? you know what, never mind

• Ah ambronsius is clearly about to sing his book song

• …or maybe not? Giovanni is apparently trying to seduce him too..?

• The staging is a bit like vor dem schloss

• It’s the right time for it but who knows

• And one of the first decent harmonies of the musical is a line between giovanni and ambronsius singing about books bc apparently this is a book club now

• Oh no is koukol called boris

• If it isn’t boris johnson I’m gonna be disappointed (or relieved)

• Apparently the throne just glides backwards

• Like a magic carpet exceot it doesn’t leave the ground so i suppose actually more like a chair with wheels, which is much less exciting

• That didn’t deserve a clap

• I can’t figure out if they’re being open about their intentions or not because they seem to change their minds every 10 seconds

• There’s suddenly a bed?

• Oh god ok let’s see if they mess up carpe noctem

• Well the music is for an entirely different song so this will be interesting

• Hmm ok it is that completly different song

• Is that airbear..?

• Or alfred #2?

• Bc it should be krolock singing that song but idek

• At least we get a cape and mostly good singing

• Ah here we go

• Carpe noctem looking its usual weird self

• oH GOD NOT ITS USUAL SELF

• I do not remember winged demons dancing on the bed in the original

• But hey there’s more capes

• Something to be grateful for

• I’m really not sure what’s going on here

• Oh ok I can finally see the dream krolock

• He’s doing all those jumps in a suit rather than shirtless with leggings so he looks a little less cool sorry to him

• But yh i still have no idea who is singing the main vocals

• And it’s over

• Ha alfred lowkey looks like brian david gilbert in that one bit

• Sorry alfred your i’m scared but i’m gonna do this for sarah song isn’t quite as sweet when you’re super confident

• One thing i never understood was how ambronsius slept through alfred’s singing

• Ah it appears he did not

• He’s hugging ambronsius..?

• Does he do that in the original?

• Ha ha very funny professor sibilance and homovampiricus

• Oh and alfred happily just whacks chagal on the head nice nice totally in character

• The coffins are empty???

• Why is chagal in a nice coffin

• Where does giovanni sleep

• I guess in his floating mansion of a coffin

• If anything herbert would have that

• WHY IS MRS CHAGAL HERE

• WHY IS ALFRED EAGER TO KILL CHAGAL

• Oh he’s finally turning magda

• ..and his wife?

• Apparently

• Are they in a polyamorous relationship now

• They will not all fit in that one coffin I’m sorry

• And here’s herbert

• Ew herbert is so cheap

• Like he was flirty in the original but this is ridiculous

• Ugh too many cheap gay jokes

• airbear is sO much worse than I could have imagined

• Huh maybe alfred is confirmed a little bi here

• Ok yeah alfred is definitely having his bi awakening here

• And at least the whole thing is a little more consensual here

• Oh yeah alfred’s bi as hell, he’s singing harmonies with airbear

• But he’s still trying to escape?

• I guess he is a bit confused

• Wait so airbear ended that thinking alfred wanted him? Different but more accurate to the events

• 40 minutes to go

• Mrs krolock is apparently a disguise he uses around sarah too? Ok

• Well the vampires are about to wake so this is where things really should start getting good but I’m sure they won’t

• I don’t like that one of them laughed

• I don’t think they’re even harmonising

• Lazy

• Ah ok here we go harmonies

• These are nice actually

• The lower part is louder than usual, which actually works quite nicely

• The vampires aren’t as jolty and creepy though

• Ew the guitar is bad

• What was that horrible whining between notes

• Oooh this should be sie irren professor

• Oh no, I guess giovanni has decided to bypass the threatening and has gone straight to physical assault

• There’s a prophecy? Alright then. Bit abrupt

• Dammit so they’re going straight into die unstillbare gier without sie irren professor

• Maybe it’s for the best… giovanni was never going to sound that threatening anyway

• Half an hour to go

• I can do this

• Let’s see how he massacres one of the best songs in the musical

• Also he’s starting the song at the front of the stage not the top, and it’s just weird

• When giovanni has been so comedic and dumb the whole time this song just won’t work

• …and the firsg two lines don’t rhyme… great start

• He has a cape though

• Pls I just want 1 cape swish

• Oh but the cape is pathetic

• Oh

• This song could have been good

• But the lyrics aren’t as good in places and he’s still got hints of giovanni’s stupid accent

• What a tragedy

• Well they’re giving a little more detail about his previous victims which is interesting at the very least

• The lyrics don’t have enough syllables

• And ugh they’re not very good either

• There are a few nice ones but most of them…

• I use my body just like a bandage, I use my body just like a wound

• And the prize for worst lyric yet goes to…

• And what makes it worse is that those replaced ich will frei und freier werden und werde meine ketten nicht los

• One of my favourite parts of the song

• And I just want to add that he’s barely moving too

• He doesn’t climb to the top and run down to collapse on the floor

• He just. Stands there.

• Like a badly dressed rock.

• Oh but the stage tilts now to form a straight wall

• So it’s not even like they couldn’t have the stage rise as he runs down

• They just left it raised for him to do nothing on and then got rid of it completely

• They replaced doch die with buuuuuut which does NOT work at all

• You need two syllables to separate the two notes

• This is awful

• They changed the tune a tiny bit which is fine I guess, not as satisfying though

• I just

• *sigh*

• His voice is good. With good lyrics and the original character, he could have done it really well

• I hate that potential was wasted

• Which, again, goes for the whole trainwreck of a musical

• I can’t make out all of the lyrics and I’m not sure if that’s a mild annoyance or a blessing

• Like, i have no idea what he said in the last little bit

• But hey that’s that

Part 3 - The Ball and Beyond

#tanz der vampire #dance of the vampires #ready for the final part?

5 notes · View notes

chyrstis · 4 years

Text

I won’t ask for much (but just this once, I’d like you) 5/10

Here’s the halfway point, and it’s a bit of a whopper. I think this is probably my favorite chapter out the entire thing, with the first a very close second. The talk by the fire was one of the earliest scenes that gelled for me when planning the entire fic out, and I knew that if I wasn’t able to write much else, I at least wanted to get that part down on paper.

And if things go according to plan, I might have a little something extra to add to this tonight. ;)

Pairing: Sharky Boshaw x John Seed Rating: E (but only for Ch. 10, the rest are a solid T) Word Count: 7.3K

Link to AO3!

Ch. 1 / Ch. 2 / Ch. 3 / Ch. 4 / Ch. 5 / Ch. 6 / Ch. 7 / Ch. 8 / Ch. 9 / Ch. 10

(and there’s a bonus fic to go with this one too)

—

Sharky steals a boat. It just happens to be John’s boat, and when it’s damaged along with his boathouse, John proceeds to lay out a means of having Sharky pay him back. [No Cult AU]

———–

Maybe the work schedule wasn’t as ironclad a thing as it used to be.

John liked routine, sure, and had been real anal about it when Sharky had first started out, but there was a flexibility to it now. It was no longer always about when, so long as it was done, and he could work with that.

So, he took a morning off when he needed it. Took on a few more jobs around town for anyone willing to let him shoulder it, and if there was any overlap, all it took was one message to clear it up. John was willing to work with him now, and that alone was a relief.

...But if some nights lead to more chances to hang with him one-on-one without working, Sharky didn’t complain either. Got more time around John’s plane, and even got to pitch in when it came to working on his car too.

The real shocker for him on days when he did have to work, though, had been the fresh boards and nails set. The signs that someone else had been working down there when he hadn’t.

When he’d asked, John didn’t confirm it. He didn’t deny it either, but after ten minutes of standing around and talking with him, he grabbed a nearby hammer and took a spot right next to him. Went right to work, without even batting an eye, and Sharky couldn’t believe it. Grinned brightly at him as he punched him in the shoulder, and found he wanted John there for once.

This was starting to feel a whole lot like he’d made a friend.

One that was cagey in a whole lot of ways still, and one he couldn’t exactly pop down on the couch with for a weekend of pizza, beer, and porn to sort through, but close. And thinking it over, he didn’t find himself minding the change all too much either.

But some nights John needed to shift things around, and when Sharky woke up that morning nursing a hangover, he had a message waiting for him.

Family, John mentioned, the text sent at an hour that made his head pound harder. Have to reschedule. Sorry.

no bg deal he sent back, fumbling at his phone. hollar if you need me ltr no plns

Then went right back to sleep. With the day open, he spent the morning seeing how long he could go without pants before anyone else dropped by.

All too quiet after that, he’d nearly gone stir crazy when Hurk called, wanting his expertise on a special job. One that was better suited to two heads rather than his one. Or better yet, four hands, each for holding a stick of their brand of high explosive. That’s how they fished, and sure, it stirred up every other critter in the area, but as long as they weren’t ambushed by bears or cougars, it was a risk worth taking.

Mid-throw was when his phone went off. Just a message, not a call, but it made his pipe bomb go wide, and nearly had the two of them go for a dunk themselves.

Change in plans. Come over.

No further clarification, no explanation from John; just those words. Not that he went off on long tangents through text, but it was the quickest turnaround Sharky had seen yet, and he actually pulled out his phone to call him.

Holding a finger to one of his ears to block some of the sound, he waited. Heard the echo of an explosion in one, and ringing in the other only to get nothing but John’s voicemail.

“Hey, I’m going to have to cut out on this.”

“Now?” Hurk asked, with a stick of dynamite in each hand. “Just when I was thinking of getting ol’ Sally out?”

Sharky never held up well in the face of his cousin’s disappointment, especially when he pulled out that tone of voice, but held strong.

“Yeah, sorry. It’s…I’ve got this weird message to check out, and you can never tell if it’s gonna be the good kind or the bad kind until it’s hitting you in the face, and there’s not a whole lot to go on here.”

“Fine, get on out, go, go, go. I’ll be here for a while, but if I catch something cool you’ll be sad you missed out.”

Pulling up to John’s place, Sharky still hadn’t pinned down what the problem was. The boathouse catching fire wasn’t likely. He’d put out any cigarettes over by the picnic table, ‘cause he’d made too much progress there to blow it now.

Ticking off other options on his fingers, he narrowed them down as he made his way to the front, and was still down to two when he hit the doorbell.

The door swung open, but John wasn’t the one waiting on the other side.

It was Jacob Seed.

Ex-military. Private. Rocked the rowdiest set of scars he’d ever seen on a person. At least, judging from the ones he could see on his face. Probably hunted guys in the woods for sport, or at least thought about it, and had the training to do it if he wanted to.

Sharky could count on his fingers the number of times he’d run into the guy outside of the odd job in the mountains, but he knew he wasn’t the kind, friendly, approachable type. No, standing taller than most, Jacob didn’t trade more than a handful of words with anyone outside of Eli Palmer, and maybe the local hunters up north.

And if he thought John was bad, Jacob’s stare was a full-blown weapon. It made Sharky squirm on the spot.

“Uh, yo.”

“Boshaw.”

“How’s it going?” he asked, smiling a little too wide to keep it casual.

Jacob shrugged. “It’s going. You?”

“Kinda. Something’s always going. it’s just not going much right now if you get what I’m-well, what I’m getting at.”

Get what I’m getting at? What the hell was that?

The longer Jacob kept him there, the more he was going to try and fidget his way out of there, and he knew he was being read. Maybe even being messed with at this point, but he didn’t cut and run. Not yet.

“Is John around?”

“You here for something?”

“Yeah it’s…you know about the whole working-with-your-younger-bro thing, right? How I’m down by the river, putting shit up, and trying to make that entire area pretty again? Well, he got a hold of me. Mentioned wanting to work, and thinks he can snap his fingers and I’ll jump or something.”

Jacob’s glance took on an amused bent. “Does he? How high?”

“Uh, I can jump up to three, maybe four feet, but that’s not…it isn’t-”

That was it. That was it in a nutshell, and joking about it didn’t make it any easier to swallow.

Groaning, he crossed his arms and didn’t even bother looking Jacob in the eye this time around. “So, is he here, or…?”

Jacob moved his head, motioning behind him, and stepped aside. “He’s upstairs.”

With the path now open, Sharky took it a little faster than needed, not wanting to hang back too much or stay close to Jake. But that left him standing in the middle of John’s ranch house - and seeing the whole thing in full for the first time was a lot to take in at once.

Because when he’d mentioned loving nature shit, this was that on steroids. Like someone had told John this was what a cabin should’ve looked like instead of what one actually was. The antlers, the chandelier, the fucking bear skin rug? All surrounding one giant, roaring fireplace? It wasn’t even cold yet, and John had the whole thing done up to the nines.

That had him chuckling as Jacob took a few steps towards him.

“Something funny?”

Jolting slightly, Sharky shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I, uh…no. Okay, a little. You ever see those Hallmark movies? The ones set at Christmas, or just up in the mountains?”

Jacob craned his head towards him.

“Y’know, the kind where two people are snowed in, having to wait it out and huddle for warmth and shit?”

“No.”

Okay, so maybe he hadn’t seen too many either, but he’d seen the one. Hadn’t even been one of those parody pornos dressed up as one, so he had some genuine experience there.

“Well, uh, the place looks like that. Like, John’s staging it for something along those lines. Just for cuddling, huddling, and uh…yeah. Holiday stuff.”

“Stuff.”

“Stuff and things, yeah.” That actually got a snort out of Jacob, and Sharky gave himself a mental pat on the back. “I’m serious. Like that couch is primed for mistletoe and some uh, ho ho-holy shit, I’ll stop now.”

There was the sound of a door being slammed, and Sharky jumped. Seconds after, he caught John on the upper level as he strode towards the stairs, and breathed a sigh of relief.

Sharky called up to him. “Yo, man. Thought I’d need to-“

That’s when he caught the dark look crossing John’s face for the first time. That, and the actual speed with which he was walking. Asking was a mistake, but it was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

“Uh, John? You okay, amigo? You want me to come back another-“

John grabbed his arm as he passed by, and dragged Sharky along with him. Right past a concerned Jake, and right past the front door, leading him down towards the dirt road.

“Whoa, hey, wait!”

Nothing clicked, not his words and not the way he tried to pull away. John was a man possessed, focused only on a single point, and that didn’t sit well with him at all.

“Seriously, dude, stop!”

Sharky planted his feet, and yanked his arm out of the grip. That brought John to a stop, and Sharky watched him slowly turn towards him. Breathing harder than he should’ve been, Sharky took off his cap and brushed a hand through his hair.

“What the fuck, man?”

Tense, and with his jaw locked, John didn’t even bother giving him a response. Just a stare that would’ve killed any other person dead if he’d had the ability. Still, he wasn’t chasing him off, or leaving, and that made Sharky keep on trying.

“You wanna talk or something? You really look like…”

“What I want,” John bit out as he walked right up to him, “is to get as far away from that fucking house as possible. I don’t care where as long as it’s not here.”

Sharky sucked in a breath, not prepared for that level of venom or John’s sudden proximity, and let it out. “Uh, okay. Shit, let’s…let’s go then. Not like I was in the mood to work anyway.”

Shuffling around him, Sharky started back towards his car, and waved for John to follow. The heat of his stare wasn’t as bad from this distance, but it didn’t let up until John dropped it to climb into the passenger side of the vehicle. He fired the car up after that, hoping the damn thing wouldn’t stall, and the two sped out of there before anyone could come calling.

“Now I know what works for me whenever shit like that gets me down.”

Sharky turned on the radio only for John to flip it off. Balking at him again, Sharky noted that this time the road was the one having to deal with John glaring at it, and he tried to keep as light a tone as he could manage.

“Anyway, you need an outlet. Something to kick all that negative shit in the balls hard enough to make three family lines regret it. So, you can shrug it off, get up, and go back to living life like you want to. Maybe this won’t be your thing every time, but I think you might like this.”

“…Like what?”

“Well, I’d explain it to you, but this is one of those things where it’s better just to give it a try. Not to spoil any of the surprise as we head on out, but it rhymes with…shit. What rhymes with burn?”

Urn. Turn. Learn. Yearn. That was a good one. Not that he needed it for anything, but it was good to know. Fuck. Did he say burn out loud too?

Swearing under his breath, Sharky shook his head. “Anyway, a little ‘Burn, Baby, Burn’ never hurt anyone. Least, not anyone worth knowing.”

John said nothing, leaving Sharky to listen to the sound of the road as it crunched underneath the car’s tires, but right as he’d started tapping out an uneven rhythm on the steering wheel just to break it up, he heard him sigh.

“Hey, I promise it won’t be lame. Yeah, it’s not for everybody, but…”

He stopped talking when he saw John place his head in his hand. Covering his eyes, Sharky heard the catch in his breathing, and wished like hell he had the right words for him.

Unable to offer anything else, Sharky shifted his eyes back to the road. “Yeah.”

---

“Now I know you’ve seen it once before, and it ain’t fancy,” Sharky said after pulling up to his house, “but I’ve got a place to sleep, a rocking sound system, and when I need it, lots and lots of storage space for…stuff. Like real fun stuff, but not the illegal kind, ‘cause I don’t want you thinking that. Well, not a lot of it, just some of it.”

John was looking around now, taking in the area as he and Sharky got out, and Sharky led him out across the lawn.

“My house is your house, so settle on in and pull up a chair. The show’ll start soon as I can get this all together, and make it one worth waiting for.“

He shoved some wood into the area designated for his bonfires, and patted himself down before heading over to where he kept his propane. Rooting through the items, he picked up the bottle of lighter fluid – he’d start small, no need to have a full blow-out right off the bat – and glanced over his shoulder to see what John was doing.

He had approached the firepit while Sharky was busy; still silent, but looking closely at it.

“You doing good there, amigo?”

John’s head angled towards him. “Well enough.”

That he’d said anything at all was an improvement, but Sharky didn’t believe it for a second. Not with his back towards him, as he walked back to the pit.

John watched closely as Sharky sprayed the wood liberally with the lighter fluid. Then added more after, and when he tipped it over to slap at the bottom of it to get the last few drops out, John finally spoke up.

“You’re not serious.”

“Can’t have a decent barbeque without flames, man.”

“That many?”

The wry look he gave him stopped Sharky in his tracks. Or maybe it was the way the corner of John’s mouth was inching up. In spite of everything, he’d managed that at least, and Sharky felt his mouth go dry.

“Uh, yeah.” He held out a matchbook to him, and hoped he could keep it steady. His voice was a lost cause, but his next few words were better in line. “Kinda disappointing if you light it up only to have it fizzle out. Can’t get any perks out of that.”

“And this was your plan all along?” John’s odd semi-smile stayed in place, and only seemed to grow. “To invite me here to burn it off? Literally?”

He wasn’t wrong, but seeing as this was his usual go-to and yet not, Sharky really didn’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of it all. Not now, at least.

“You wanted out, and no other place in the county’s better prepped for this, so a quick ride to Boshaw Manor made sense. I know when shit’s gone south and there’s no hope of me shaking that feeling, this works, and I try to foster an environment here that’s all about letting loose when you need it. Pants-free preferred and encouraged, but by no means required.”

“Good to know,” John teased.

He hoped like hell John couldn’t clearly see what was happening with his face right now, but at this distance it was impossible not to.

“But you, uh… You seriously looked ready to rip a bear’s fucking head off, and I thought it’d help. So, here. Light it, and after we pop one off, maybe we can get more going. Kinda sad as is right now.”

Waving the matchbook in the air, he grumbled to himself as he dropped his eyes. But he felt John take the matches, and looked up again in time to see him light one.

John watched the flame dance in front of him for a few seconds, shielding it from the breeze with his hand. Leaning over to peek at it, Sharky nearly brushed shoulders with him, and wondered how long he was willing to hold onto it.

Pretty long at this rate, as the flames licked the wood and traveled towards his fingers.

“You gonna drop that?”

“In time.”

“‘Cause that’s going to get you if you let it stick around any longer.”

Not that he hadn’t let himself get distracted by the warmth of the fire before. How it flickered as it moved, wanting it all that much closer as it inched its way down towards him.

“Surely you don’t think I’m not paying attention to it.” Irritation crept into John’s voice, but he still wasn’t dropping the match.

“Seriously, man, I can treat a rowdy-ass burn if I have to, but that shit’s going to bite.“

“Charlemagne, I have it handled-“ John flicked his hand fast as he yelped in pain.

The match went out, leaving the two standing there in front of the neglected pit. Sharky tried not to, but there was no way he could keep the laugh from slipping out. John’s sharp look shut him up a second later, only breaking eye contact to keep on waving his hand.

“Yo, you okay?”

“Fuck,” John muttered, blowing on his fingers. “Everything’s fine.”

Sharky didn’t nudge him with his shoulder, but was tempted to as he watched John continue to try and sooth the burn.

“Sure about that? I can be back in two shakes of a jackrabbit’s tail if you want.”

John didn’t waste time lighting the next match. “I’m fine.”

His hands went up, backing off completely. But at that point he had something else to focus on. The fire was dancing in the wind again, and when John let the match fall into the pit, Sharky didn’t take his eyes off of it for a second.

The warm glow took, then grew. Rising slowly but surely as the fire found its footing, and he let out the breath he was holding. There it was. The feeling that washed over him, one that sank down deep into his bones.

Like coming home, in a way. Every time.

Sighing in contentment, he gave John a quick once-over. His attention was on the fire too, locked onto it as he slowly rubbed his fingers together. No one ever seemed to respond to it like he did, but the focus was there, his eyebrows drawn together as he kept on studying it.

John still kept on rubbing at his fingers, though. He had to bother the singed one, even if he was too stubborn to bring it up again.

Sharky stepped back, and gave John a light tap to the shoulder.

“Be right back. Gotta grab something.”

Jogging over to his house, he pushed open the door and made a beeline straight for his bathroom. Anything he had for first aid was scattered across the property if not left outside, so one minute became two, then became five as he rooted around the place.

Fishing the tube of burn cream out, he sighed in relief.

It had taken the edge off of some of his worst ones - the scars on his sides and back tingling as he subconsciously recalled them. Considering how often he tangoed with fire at all, he’d all but accepted it at this point, and was glad that John wasn’t rocking anything worse than what would be a light blister.

Band-aids were down to slim pickings, however. There were only five left, but he picked the best fit and made his way back out to the pit, taking a short stop by the fridge for beer and one hastily-filled glass of tap water.

Water was the last thing on his mind most nights, but John needed something out there, and Sharky tried not to stress over it too much as he rushed back out.

John started when he handed it over.

“What’s this?” He took the glass, and eyed its contents.

“Water. You know, for drinking?” A sheepish grin inched across Sharky’s face as he made the motion with his hand. “Didn’t want to leave you hanging without anything, and my fridge’s full up with beer, so…”

“Ah. Thank you,” he said, losing the suspicious tone immediately.

He took a light sip of it and Sharky didn’t miss the way he wrinkled his nose. Probably better used to the fancy stuff they’d filter before bottling, but John still held onto it. Doing that instead of spitting it out onto the ground earned him a point or two on the ‘Don’t be an asshole’ scoreboard, but Sharky would never admit it to him.

“And those?” John asked.

“I know you said you were fine, but here.” Sharky handed the items to him, and John set his glass down. “Best stuff for burns around. Slap some of this on, and in a day you won’t even feel it.”

“Are those…dinosaurs?” John held the bandage up, flashing the green tyrannosaurus rex at him.

“Yeah, man. Dinosaurs are badass. I don’t know if Jurassic Park was your thing or not, but I had that on repeat for a good three months after it came out. Solid gold right there, and great for hand-holding or grabbing during any tense shit.” He held his hand up as he leaned in, and waggled his eyebrows. “Guaranteed. Like sixty to seventy-five percent chance of getting some action too.”

John furrowed his brows, and kept the band-aid pinched between his fingers. Both unimpressed and unconvinced, which disappointed Sharky a little, but didn’t surprise him much either.

“Anyway, that was the first one I grabbed, but I think there’s another in there if you’re more of a triceratops fan. Or raptors?”

John slowly shook his head. “I’ve-I don’t have a preference.”

“Well, there you go. And I know you like blue and all, but green’s clearly the superior color here. Just saying.”

He clapped him on the back, and John gave him a withering glance before putting it on.

Dragging over a couple of chairs, Sharky popped them close to the pit - but not close enough to catch any sparks - and settled in. He kicked back and wished he could’ve propped his feet up, but with the other chair in use he had to make do, and leaned as far back as the worn fabric would let him. It strained against the motion, but held, and he knew there was a still a fair chance he’d bust a hole in it, or topple over. Just not now, at least.

“…How did this start?”

Glancing over at John, Sharky sat up when he realized he’d asked him a question. “What?”

“How, or when did you start doing this? The fires? Or, whatever this ritual is.”

“Ritual? This ain’t anything fancy like that.” Rubbing the back of his neck, Sharky let out a long whistle. “But fuck, how many years has it been now?”

Well over twenty. Since that day when he’d had skating on his mind, that and Wendy. He had such high hopes going into the day only to find a whole other thing worth keeping on for.

“Would you believe my first time was at a skating rink? This old place that used to be down by Fall’s End. Neon lights, tricked out wallpapers, and all the oldies you could ask for?”

“Concerning you? Yes.”

John sounded so sure of it. Like he could see the memory just as clearly as Sharky did. That got a warm laugh out of him.

“Imagining that sticky carpet, the flat soda, and those tunes? Real nice, right? It was the highlight of my month. Getting invited out there, pulling off some of my finest moves out on the floor. But I had to set the mood before heading in, and had a roll of quarters ready and everything.”

A grin settled in, almost fond as he recalled the start of it. The promise had been there, all right. He’d finally get a chance to say something. Do something, instead of dreaming about it. Funny how he’d dive into so many other things without thinking, but this? This he’d thought about. Over and over. Wanted it right.

“So?” John’s voice cut through again, shaking him out of it. “What happened?”

“I really wanted to ask this girl Wendy out. Had some good one-liners going, and had watched plenty of movies beforehand that I knew she liked. Wanted to really wow her, and show her what’s what.”

That had been the first pass of the plan. It seemed foolproof. Then he’d reached the rink after he’d crammed one too many quarters in the jukebox. Took one good look at her as he skated up, and…

John’s growing frown mirrored his own. Maybe even too well.

“It, uh-it didn’t go like I wanted. Went with my gut once I saw her, and thought I’d just -my hands started going everywhere.”

Confused, John thought over his words, and Sharky hoped he wouldn’t have to spell it out. “You grabbed her?”

“I…might’ve grabbed something.”

Realization hit John hard. “You groped her?”

“Like I said, it could’ve gone a lot better! Instincts being bad and all.” Dodging his eyes, Sharky held up his hands and faced the fire. “Look, it was a dumbass move, and I got a skate to the balls for it. Still, really wish I’d tried dancing instead. No way she would’ve turned down a date with a dude pulling off a solid moonwalk. On wheels.”

“Surely,” John huffed.

Flipping him off, Sharky sighed before continuing.

“So, I head out back. Figure I could light up a cig or something. Take the edge off that way. Well, I decided I’d light a trash can on fire too. See if I liked it, and soon the whole damn back-alley’s on fire. Like burning high with no hope of stopping. It spread, took half of the place out in the process, and yeah, it sucked. But it sucked a whole lot less after seeing that too.”

“That was…not the story I was expecting it to be.”

“Lot of people say that after hearing it. And that’s all of like, three people that even bothered listening to me while I was telling it, but it is what it is. Sucks that it took out that place, though. Seriously, had a great sound system there and everything.”

John raised a hand to his mouth, eyes on the fire instead of on him, and smiled. “Thank you. You didn’t need to share that with me.”

“Eh, it’s nothing. You asked, and I told you what’s what.”

“Not everyone’s as comfortable doing that. And certainly not even half as honest.” John folded his hands on his lap, and leaned forward to rest his forearms on his thighs. “It was Joseph. Tonight, back at my ranch. He wanted to talk. This typically isn’t a problem, but he decided to do what all older brothers believe is their right, I suppose.”

“What, like go over some fantasy football stats? Or more like rite-of-passage-type stuff, ‘cept the holy kind. ‘Cause he’s not gonna take you to a cathouse, or nothing.”

“Please never say that again,” John said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Uh, which part? The football, or the...er, the part where he’s trying to help you get laid, except not?”

“That one. You see, he wanted to talk expectations. My role in the family overall, and how he wants me to rise to them.”

“That’s uh, kinda harsh. Assuming he said some pretty rowdy shit to you.”

“Not all of it,” John admitted, “but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Usually when talking about regrets and hopes for the future, not all parties will be on the same page. He was on one, and I the other, and…I didn’t handle it as gracefully as I would’ve liked.”

“But did you think he was right?”

“I don’t know. It’s too soon to say, and I’m still not inclined to agree considering how he presented it to me.”

“But you know why he did that, right?”

John’s eyes were still on the fire, but caught his when he turned away from it. “Do you have any siblings?

Sharky shook his head. “Uh, no. Parents never planned for any of that, and they sure as hell weren’t planning on me. I’m one of those miracle babies. The kind that defy expectation, if you will. They swore up and down they’d used the pill, bagged that shit, and tried damn near everything to keep from throwing a bun in that oven. Still, nine months and some change later I popped out. Was as meant to be as my Grandmama swore I was, and…it’s weird in a way. Knowing that, and still knowing the other end of it too.”

“That you weren’t wanted?”

John was looking at him differently now. Catching something Sharky wasn’t sure even he’d see after checking five times in the mirror for it, and didn’t seem as cagey as before.

“I had someone that did want me. Wasn’t the one that had me to begin with, but that’s alright. Family’s not always blood - not directly. I got Hurk, I got my Auntie. Maybe even Xander, if she plans on keeping him around, but they give a shit about what happens to me. Let me know at least once a week too if they ain’t too busy to stop by, so it’s gotta be nice in some ways. Having brothers. Having that, at least.”

Taking in a deep breath, Sharky didn’t know how to tackle this next part. Knew he was probably going to be like a bull in a china shop, but he’d try. He had to.

“Now I don’t know enough about you all to really say much, so tell me to fuck right off if you need me to, but…they seem like the caring kind. Even though Joe’s got his whole family unit going on - his weird, not-a-cult, but kind-of-a-cult aside. And Jake’ll always give me the creeps, but I feel like you’d also warn me if he was setting me up to head out into the woods and fight me - mano a mano, ‘Most Dangerous Game’ style - so I think we’d be all right.”

“They’re not one, and he’s not about to,” John replied. “And maybe it isn’t your place to say.”

That shut his mouth. “…Sorry.”

“But you’re right.” Shifting his gaze to the ground, John’s next few words were softer, almost too quiet to hear. “Both of my brothers are all I have in this life. The ones that I would do anything for, and for years we truly thought we’d lost each other. There was no finding our way back after being separated and sent to different families. Different homes.”

John flexed his fingers, stretching them out before tightening them into a fist.

“I…was not fortunate in that regard. While I now had many opportunities open to me, I would’ve traded them in a heartbeat. Because there was evil in that house, and it was regularly visited upon me. And to cope, I needed an outlet. A way to take away what I couldn’t fix. What I couldn’t change, or stop, and make it all disappear.

“So, I turned to other sources. Went well out of my way to open myself up to new experiences. Things to excite, to make me feel…something. Anything, and no price was too great. I couldn’t see it for what it was, and was content to let it all eat me from the inside out. Because that was what gave me relief, and if they hadn’t found me when I needed them most…” John shrugged a shoulder. “I would’ve let it.”

“Fuck, I-uh, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I didn’t share that to make you feel sorry for me, or to let it be an excuse. It was a little…honesty given, for honesty gained, if that makes any sense.”

Blowing out a breath, Sharky nodded. “Kinda. Think I get what you mean there.”

“And tonight, you were right. I needed an outlet, and you… You reached out to me without even thinking twice about it.” There was a sincerity there that surprised him. No dancing around it, no downplaying it. “You had no reason to open up your home to me, or do anything at all to help, but you did.”

“No reason not to.”

“Charlemagne. I haven’t given you much reason to do any of this, considering why we’re speaking at all to begin with.”

John had a point. One Sharky wasn’t going to argue, but he’d clearly overlooked a lot of the things he’d done to keep them on speaking terms. Or hell, even get friendly, because they were straddling that line, and had been ever since he’d stuck around to help him with the plane.

“Okay, so you did show up here on my doorstep. Used some strong words to get me to do some shit for you, and generally acted like a mega-dick. Admitting that’s the first step towards fixing it. ‘Cause my guess’s you wanna fix that, right?”

John pursed his lips, but said nothing. Just stared at him while his jaw tensed.

That had Sharky raising his eyebrows. “Dude, you seriously aren’t even gonna pretend to say yes to that? Not even try it?”

Glancing away, John closed his eyes. Took in a deep breath, and held onto it before sighing loudly.

“What the fuck?” Sharky muttered, watching him reach for his back pocket. “There’re like baby steps, and then you come in with this whole twelve step thing you’ve gotta work through, like it’s just that hard not to be a colossal d-”

“Done.”

Sharky paused as he took in what John held up. It was his phone.

Rolling his eyes at his confused look, John handed it over to him and pointed at the screen. “It’s gone.”

“What’s gone?” Sharky flipped through the folder John had pulled up, not sure what he was looking for. “Like the porn you knew I was gonna search for after taking this?”

“No, not that,” John replied, grinding his teeth. “The recording.”

“The…” Holy shit. “You got rid of it. Like, no back up, no nothing?”

“That was the only one.”

Gone. That weight - what was left of it - gone.

Sharky laughed. Laughed as relief settled deep into him, and it was the sweetest thing.

Sure, John could’ve been lying to him. Could’ve had three different places where he was stashing the file for a rainy day, but he found he believed him. He wanted to take his word for it, and found he didn’t have to jump through too many hoops for it either.

“That’s-that’s uh, thanks.”

“Thank you. For proving me wrong in a lot of ways.”

Proud motherfucker that he was, that statement nearly bowled Sharky over. But he seemed to mean it too, and he flashed John a bashful grin.

“So, uh going back to before. You need to be cool to others. Treat ‘em nice, especially if you know they’re in the middle of a rough patch, and you count too. You needed something to take the edge off, and with drinking out, there were only two options left. Sex, and burning shit, and seeing as I don’t even know what your type is, I went for the easy one.”

“Easy?” Giving him a curious look, John leaned towards him. “That arson would be the easier option at all’s fascinating to me, because then I have no choice but to ask.”

“…Ask what?”

“What is my type?”

He one-hundred percent felt John’s focus now, and might’ve felt his palms start to sweat. “You want me to guess?”

“I want you to try.”

That was a tougher question than it should’ve been, and all the answers Sharky thought he had promptly left the building.

“Uh…fuck. The ladies in the catalogs. Victoria’s Secret models. Sports Illustrated, but the swimsuit issue. Porn stars. Top dollar escorts,” he said, spit-balling for whatever a rich lawyer might like. Or Bruce Wayne. Same difference. “But the kind with nice shoes, and those big-ass fur coats.”

Or was he going more for what he’d like if he had boatloads of cash to blow? And a music video to make? Maybe. Judging by the look John was giving him, though, he didn’t agree.

“Jesus, I don’t know. You asked! So, I guessed. Thought I’d get something close if I kept on going.”

“Well, you weren’t.”

“Yeah, yeah. And you’re telling me you wouldn’t be dicking down every woman in the valley if they asked?” Sharky took a drink of his beer, and couldn’t help but grumble his next few words into it. “I know I would.”

“You’d what?”

He coughed, beer going right down his windpipe. That was the kind of shit that should’ve slipped out when he was buzzed, and he wasn’t even there yet. And judging from John’s response, wasn’t great to hear out loud either.

“Aw, fuck. Uh, sorry. Didn’t…didn’t mean anything weird by it. Just that you’ve got a lot of women looking - er, wanting - some real one-on-one time with you, that’s all. And if I were you, I’d take them up on it.”

John snorted, “Is that so?”

“I’m serious!” Sharky insisted, flashing an awkward grin. “Not to do any ego-jerking or anything, but you’re a good-looking guy, dude. Who’d blame ‘em for trying?”

He’d meant to look away after that, but John held his stare. Gave him a look that was like a Rubik’s Cube, and the more Sharky tried to pin down exactly what it was, the more he kept on scrambling anything and everything just to match up a single side.

“I see.” John wet his lips, dropping his eyes to his bandaged finger as he rubbed it together with his thumb. “Well, I’d hate to keep them waiting any longer than I already have. Or to disappoint them, but a few may need to wait their turn.”

“Why’d you say that?”

“Because surely their male counterparts deserve a chance as well? Seems only fair.”

John lowered his lashes as he looked over at him this time around, and Sharky must’ve blinked at him fifty times before his words registered.

“Oh. Oh,” he said, watching John nod his head along with him. “Well, it’s uh, I’m a…I don’t think I got anything right there, huh?”

Face burning hot, he crossed his arms and felt like kicking himself. Mostly for the whole conversation leading up to this, but now was a close second.

“Hard to be right about something you didn’t know.”

“Saying weird-ass shit to you’s not cool to begin with. Expecting a pity pass for it’s worse, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is, so I’m sorry. It’s lame as hell, but I’ve gotta get an apology out at least. And it’s probably the last thing you wanna hear or talk about, but you do whatever the hell makes you happy, long as no one’s getting hurt or nothing,” he said, wanting to get the words out, even if they weren’t neat. “And, we uh, we can talk about something else now.”

John laughed; the sound lighter than he expected. “Uncomfortable?”

“No. Kinda. Just…I’m not a talker. If you need someone to head on up, make a speech using all of the right words, making it pretty and all, you don’t go busting down my door. ‘Cause there’s ways of saying things, so it’s all meaningful and nice with no hurt feelings involved, and that ain't it. Shit, you’ve made a whole career out of it.”

Sharky tapped the bottle against his shin, and sighed.

“When I open my mouth, people usually start throwing stuff at me instead of listening. Beer, shoes, lawn ornaments, darts, you name it, I’ve dodged it. Or had someone try to hit me in the junk for it, so thanks for not doing that. And sorry again. Probably say that a couple more times before the night’s out.”

“…Hitting you would be the last thing on my mind. I promise you that.”

Dead serious, he wasn’t sure what to make of John’s tone, or the way he was looking at him.

So, after downing the rest of his beer, Sharky went for the next best thing. Nervous laughter, and more blushing like an idiot. He’d never stop at this rate.

Rubbing his hands together, he hopped up out of his seat after that. John was too intense to stare down for long, and he put some distance between them, set on hunting down the first major firework of the evening.

“Okay, so this one I usually save for the festies,” Sharky began, carrying it over in his hands. “It’s my own personal formula. Ran through it a few times trying to see if I could get the right amount of fizz, bang, and pop that everybody loves without losing a finger, an eye, or most of my hair again.”

“Did you now?” John snorted. “It’s a miracle it grew back.”

“More like both eyebrows, but yeah, ‘cause I need to keep this around,” Sharky replied, framing his jaw with his hand. The wink was extra, but that didn’t stop him. “Chicks dig guys with a little scruff to ‘em. The look’s ‘sexy renegade’, but the kind that’ll still treat you right.”

“No doubt.”

Looking him over, John tilted his head as he considered him. Let his attention focus in on him closely, until Sharky was on the verge of snapping his fingers in front of him to break the spell he’d somehow cast.

“It suits you.”

John could’ve slapped him, and it would’ve been less of a surprise than that. “Say what?”

“It suits you. Keep it to that, though. Any more and I think you’re guaranteed to lose more than an eyebrow the next time any of this backfires.”

In the back of his mind he registered John’s statement – an actual compliment which only confused him more – but didn’t get much further than that. That’s when he caught the smile John was now wearing. This one he’d earned for sure, and didn’t want to risk losing.

Kicking his brain back into gear, Sharky blew out a breath. “So, uh…let’s see. Lighting this up, so we can have one kick-ass party. Just getting right on that shit.”

The red rocket was stabbed into the ground to the left of the pit, and Sharky held out his lighter to John. He still had the matches from earlier, but this way was easier.

When all John did was give him a questioning glance, Sharky flicked his eyes towards the rocket. “Yo, you know this whole thing’s for you, right?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. So, you kick it off. I’ve got a firework in every color, though you might want to aim them all over yonder. Nearly lit the field up straight ahead of here last time, and my PO and I ain’t gonna see eye to eye on this if another starts. Cool?”

Dropping his attention to the lighter, John reached for it. Turned it over in his hands as the corners of his mouth curved up, and eventually aimed some of that glance his way.

“Cool.”

#far cry 5 #sharky boshaw #john seed #jacob seed #john seed/sharky boshaw #I know I ultimately have control over what the characters say and do but I just didn't want to stop them here #and Jacob was a total surprise by the way #b/c I wasn't prepared for how much fun he was going to be to write #fanfiction #FC5 fanfiction #fic: I won't ask for much #fic series: we could make a home out of this

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redcrossroads · 5 years

Text

With You I'll Stay As You Allow Me To Remain

Summary: Mana’s suffering from nightmares. Allen decides to do something about it because the man’s misery is contagious.

Nightmares are a common occurrence. A constant companion of Mana’s much like Red—Allen, he’s Allen now, he reminds himself, hoping it will stick soon—himself is. Every other night ends up with Mana whimpering and crying. Stricken beyond belief from something that isn’t even real or at least nothing but a mere memory.

It pisses Allen off.

Like a bad reminder of the time he spent in that hellhole of a circus, he finds himself scowling and frowning more often as days pass. He recalls going out at night to catch the man sitting by himself in the cold, curled into a ball so small and full of misery even Red couldn’t help the tug of pity inside his chest.

Unlike then, he can’t justify ignoring the obvious anguish of the man with the excuse of him being a stranger.

As convenient as it would have been to be in denial, Allen isn’t a liar, no matter what that Bastard Cosimo insisted upon, so there’s no point in denying the inevitable. Seeing Mana upset makes his insides twist into a tangled heap which makes him lose all appetite.

Allen loved eating more than anything, yet remembering Mana’s shaking, the wideness of his eyes, the haunted expression on his white face turns his stomach inside out and he finds the thought of eating whatever they decided to eat on that day revolting.

He blames it all on Mana’s weirdness. The way he smiles like a lunatic most days, trying to think of new tricks to practice and babbling on about things Allen pretends to listen to even if he understands nothing of what is said. How he would try to keep his hold on Allen’s hand, ignoring the bristling and the curses while swinging their joined hands with the joy of a kid on Christmas morning. It was all so irritating, Mana’s patience, the kind words he had to spare for everybody. But the man took him in despite the rough edges and foul language he so dislikes and Allen still finds it hard to believe he’d gotten to tag along at all, much less to find the man trying to take care of him.

So, it’s unacceptable for Mana to be sad and try to hide it when Allen can do something about it.

“You can’t stay up all night long, Allen!”

“Watch me.” Allen says with a snarl, because even half blind, the dark circles underneath Mana’s eyes would have been visible like bright bold letters written across his forehead. Not a stranger of exhaustion, Allen doubts he’s ever felt tired like Mana had these past few days.

“It’s not healthy.” Mana chides, voice soft and in the dim-light of their fire, he looks so old. Wrinkles prominent in his face, lips pursed into a weak parody of a half-assed smile, he looks into the fire with unseeing eyes.

“It’s not like I could sleep with all the ruckus ya make while yer sleep.”

Allen wrinkles his nose, giving the man a dirty look as he crosses one arm over his chest. Mana blinks, startled if the sudden alertness of his gaze means anything and he actually turns to look at Allen now, instead of dozing off inside that head of his.

“Pardon?”

“Don’t act all innocent,” Allen glares, because the ache in his chest burns when he thinks back to the tremors wrecking Mana’s body in the night and how long it had taken him to calm down after shaking him awake. He’s no fan of waking up to terrified screams.

“You’re havin’ trouble sleeping. With all your turning and yelling it’s not like I can sleep either, so I might as well be useful if I have to stay up all night.”

He expects Mana to brush the issues off with a joke, to say it’s no problem, silly Allen, he’s being harassed by bed bugs lately, he has no reason to worry but it’s cute he does in that cooing voice of his, which never fails to make Allen flush to the shade of his hair as he hurls one insult after another at the man for daring to embarrass him.

The reaction he anticipates isn’t the one he gets.

Mana laughs, a sudden sound full of amusement and warmth, and it makes the shadows disappear on his face like sunlight chasing away rainy clouds. Shoulders shaking and eyes twinkling as his lips quirk up Allen gapes for a moment, speechless at the turns of events before he explodes.

“What the hell is so funny, stupid Clown!? Are ya laughing at me?”

Jaw and fist clenching as his heart sinks to the bottom of his ribs, heavy as lead and dropping like a stone, he glowers at the man sitting opposite to him.

Stupid! So, stupid. I should’ve known caring would bring me nothing.

“Stop laughing! It ain’t funny!”

He’s ready to throw a rock at the man, when he stops and gets his chuckling under control. Mana directs a soft gaze at him and the smile spreading across his face is genuine and gentle.

The suffocating rage crawling up his neck fizzles out like a matchstick fire in the downpouring rain, leaving behind the smell of burnt wood and smoke drifting off into the air. Wavering in the face of such a loving expression, Allen twists his face into a scowl, kicking out at the burning wood of their fire place.

“I wasn’t laughing at you, Allen.”

“Huh uh.” Giving the man the cold shoulder, he mourns the absence of a stick for poking the flames.

“But I wasn’t!”

Mana insists and Allen may be stubborn, but Mana’s persistence combined with his begging was on a whole other level of thick-headedness. Knowing when to cut his losses, but still sulking Allen squints at the man from beneath his bangs.

Seeing he’s caught Allen’s attention, Mana perks up on his seat, arms resting on his knees, he leans forward, his face gaining a healthy dose of color from the glow of the fire. It brings out the gold in his eyes, another one of Mana’s odd features, and instead of shrinking away from the tall figure looming over him or pushing out his shoulders to seem bigger, Allen sighs, raising a brow to complete his picture of a reluctant listener and leans back.

“What?”

He asks, when the silence continues to drag on. Mana’s habit of staring isn’t as creepy as it used to be but still unusual enough to make him squirm and dig his heels into the floor.

“Nothing! It’s just…I’m happy you care so much.”

Continuing, like Allen isn’t spluttering on his protests, Mana hums, eyes crinkling at the corners as he slaps a hand over his heart.

“Allen used to snap at me quite a lot, always so mean and grouchy, but now you’re being so kind to me, worrying over me it truly warms my heart! I’m so happy I could cry.”

“Don’t even start with that!”

Allen makes a face, because Mana’s dramatic antics are a sign, he’s feeling better, but it’s late and having to deal with them when he knows there’s a good chance Mana could be crying later sets his nerves on edge.

“Listen, if I stay up, I can wake you if you start getting uncomfortable sleeping. There’s not much else I can do to get you to sleep better.”

Mana gives the idea some thought, scratching at his chin and Allen knows from the gesture alone, the man is only doing it to humor him. He ends up being right when Mana shakes his head.

“Thank you for your kind offer, but I couldn’t possible accept this generosity my boy. If you watch over me while I sleep, you’ll not get the sleep you need to grow.”

Oh, bloody hell—

“Well, what am I supposed to do then!? Either you sleep or I won’t.”

He regrets those words leaving his mouth as soon as they’re out because Mana snaps his fingers, grin stretching from ear to ear like he’s got the best idea and Allen knows from last time, the next thing Mana will suggest is going to be utter nonsense.

He’s still holding a grudge over the man forcing him into that stupid clown costume and forcing him onto the walking globe for a show. Falling from that height had hurt.

“Allen could sing me a lullaby!”

“No way.” Short and merciless, he rejects the idea without batting an eye. Not to mention there might be a chance he’ll end up crying if Mana gets him to hum that familiar melody, he’d taught him. Which would happen over Allen’s dead body.

Head falling at the harsh refusal Mana sighs. “I guess you’re still too shy, but we’ll work on that. I’m afraid then there’s nothing you can do.”

Bullshit. Allen thinks, but doesn’t say. There must be something he can do! If he has to take another day of Mana clinging to his blanket like a scared child afraid of the horrors of the dark, he’ll end up pulling out all his hair or he’ll starve to death at this rate.

He’s come too far to give up, so he tries to come up with a way to get Mana to sleep.

Absently rubbing at his eyes, he watches Mana put out the fire to get them ready for their beds. They’re camping inside an abandoned run-down house which is more of a ruin than an actual house with the half-broken roof, but it shields them from the cold and keeps what little warmth they manage to create inside long enough for them to fall asleep comfortably.

Throwing the man, who rolls out their sleeping matts with care a glance, Allen chews on his bottom lip.

“It’s time for bed, Allen~.”

“Alright, stop nagging me already.”

Standing up, Allen kicks of his shoes and pulls off his jacket. The rustling of clothing tells him Mana’s doing the same, of course, neater and actually folding his clothes to put them aside. Risking another glance between his sleeping matt and Mana’s, Allen comes to a decision.

Oh, to hell with this.

Reaching down to lift his sleeping matt, he drags it over to Mana’s, dumping it right beside him before getting his blanket. The stare drilling into his skull is uncomfortable and makes his ears burn. Sitting down on his matt to arrange his blanket, he pulls it up to his shoulder and rolls onto his side, daring the man to comment with a sharp look thrown over his shoulder, he waits for Mana to settle down next to him.

“Isn’t this a nice surprise—”

“Don’t make this weird!”

Allen bursts out as Mana lays down next to him, his shoulder and side brushing against Allen’s back and he knows he’ll regret this in the morning because Mana seems like a person who cuddles like a leech but if this gets him a night of undisturbed sleep it’s going to be worth the mortification. Trying to relax now that Mana’s laying down next to him, knowing he wouldn’t have been sent away hadn’t put a rest to the feeling of anxiety crawling up his spine, Allen closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep.

“If you roll on top of me, I’ll suffocate ya with a pillow.”

“Of course,” Mana’s hushed voice is soothing in the night. The smell of burnt wood, smoke and paint helping him get comfortable in the chilly room. The heat the man emits like a furnace helps to keep himself warm and cozy. “Sweet dreams, Allen.”

“Night.” He mumbles, feeling the edges of sleep drawing him in. He hears Mana’s steady breathing, feels the phantom caress of a hand stroking his hair and the gentle hum of a melody and lets himself fall into embrace of sleep.

The next morning, he wakes up to Mana’s quiet snoring, an arm thrown over his waist resting on his back with his cheek pressed to the man’s clothed chest, his head carefully tugged underneath the man’s chin. It’s a lose but comfortable embrace Allen hesitates to pull himself out of. He decides to let Mana sleep a few extra minutes and denies any snuggling having taken place with vigor.

Mana’s nightmares don’t stop, but they do lessen, so Allen keeps their sleeping arrangement and is thankful for what rest Mana manages to get during the night.

At least, he can enjoy his food again, now that Mana’s nightmares have become manageable.

#red!allen #allen walker #mana d campbell #dgm fanfic #d gray man #fanfiction #my writing #platonic relationships matter

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