#not trying to shame anyone it's just theres a time and a place

[csuftitans]

We would like to remind everyone that the conversations you have in the library can be heard by all in attendance. I'm trying to study for my geology quiz I do not need to hear about "How tasty them toes were."

#not trying to shame anyone it's just theres a time and a place #academia #academic #academic validation #csuf #dorm life #elephants #exam stress #fullerton #grad school #grad student #Titans #california state university fullerton #California #Orange county #tusks up #feet #fraternity #sorority #library #gossip #eavesdropping

[redr0sewrites]

HI YEAH I AM BEGGING YOU TO ELABORATE ON THOSE TWO THINGS FROM THE SUB VOX HEADCANONS⁉️⁉️

RAHH OFC!!! IM ELABORATING ON THE DRY HUMPING HERE LMAO THE SOUNDING IS LINKED HERE FOR ALL OF YALL TO ENJOY AJSJ

🥀Cw: smut, sub!vox, dry humping, pillow humping, thigh riding, little bit of somno

🥀minors dni

when it comes to dry humping, vox gets SOOO humiliated

he gen enjoys it more than actual sex, theres just something so achingly desperate about grinding against someone, too impatient to even take off your clothes

vox is soooo sensitive, but he would rather die (again) then admit that

he can't even sit on your lap without squirming, he just can't stay still, not with the "accidental" pressure you're applying to his already hard cock

he would probably try to subtly (not subtly) bring it up in a conversation once, he thinks hes soooo slick about it but in reality you can see right through his bravado

when you pull vox onto your lap to make out he audibly whines, his legs wrap perfectly around your waist and his hips r already squirming as you kiss him stupid

hes practically a bitch in heat when you both r grinding against eachother, after a long day all he wants is to he put in his place and fucked out of his mind, and loves battling for dominance while humping against you likes hes in heat

its pathetic really

sometimes he'll glitch out and truly be unable to stop himself, his mind is just so pathetically blank and fuzzy that he just can't help it, his body has a mind of its own as he ruts against you in a frenzy, small, plessurable sparks spreading across your skin

sometimes you'll come into his office while hes working and straddle him, he gets a hard on in seconds and can't help but buck his hips up against yours while he shields his face in shame

vox has a wild imagination, i mean, he has access to the entire internet at any given time, IMAGINE how filthy his wet dreams are

he def humps you in his sleep, whimpering your name and grinding down against you

he has the sweetest little unfiltered whines when hes sleeping, and more often than not will come in his pants just from rutting against you

vox def likes riding your thigh while working too, you can't help but tease him and start bouncing your knee as his claws dig into the desk, his mind going absolutely fuzzy from pleasure as he desperately tries to stay composed

he gets off on how humiliating and humbling the position is, the fact that one of hell's strongest overlords is grinding on his partner's thigh in a semi-public place where anyone could walk in? it only turns him on more

vox's preferred form of masturbation is humping something, you can't tell me otherwise

sometimes he'll be laying in bed, missing the warmth of your body, and he can already feel himself going painfully hard and horny. vox can't even get off on his own without you, its just so pathetic but his hand never feels like yours and no sex toy could imitate your perfect hole. so, vox opts for hugging the nearest pillow to his chest, slowly dragging it down to his crotch, not even bothering to remove his clothes as he drags his hips against the material. vox'll moan you name, the movements of his hips growing more sporadic as his head clouds over with pleasure until hes fully straddling the pillow, grinding down against it and panting as he cums in his pants. he's exhausted, yet he finds himself still impossibly hard, unable to stop desperately humping the pillow below him like a bitch in heat while thoughts of you swirl in his fuzzy mind.

he has the most delicious, fucked-out look on his face as he grinds deliriously for what feels like hours, until his body finally gives up and collapses, the pillow still clamped between his legs as he takes deep, shuddering breaths as his lust begins to calm down

what if i wrote a full fic about reader walking in on vox humping a pillow, and instead of helping him, forces him to continue and just gets off while watching him struggle.... haha.... jk.... unlesss....

in will prob make this into a scenario later heheee i love putting this man in situations

#vox x reader #vox x you #vox x oc #vox x y/n #vox smut #hazbin hotel vox x reader #hazbin vox x reader #vox headcanons #vox x reader smut #sub vox #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin hotel x y/n #sub hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel dom reader #bottom vox #hazbin hotel smut #hazbin hotel vox

[circeius-invidioso]

I do not get why the Red Corsairs are not a popular choice.

Like.

Like here is the elevator pitch for the warband and then we can come to some justified conclusion.

What isn't there to love?

You want me to turn into an infomencial and make a top 3 reasons why the Red Corsairs are great?

Cause I can.

And I will.

The Diverse Working Enviroment

Here in the Red Corsairs we might have started as Ultramarines but the barrier for entry is on the floor. So anyone can join.

You are Night Lord with a bad rep and no ship.

Buckle up we got you covered.

You are a Fallen and have 20 Dark Angels all up in yo business? Trying to shoot down the boss babe you are?

Fear not, or in our case. Know no Fear. We are strapped and don't get clapped.

You are a traitor that likes their Legion but sadly you got in our way?

Tough luck buddy, you will join or die and your geene seed will join our cause. Nothing personal battle brother. Just business as usual.

Everyone is welcome as long as they follow Huron's guidelines and don't aggitate the topless sweaty Khorne worshipping Ultramarines in the basement.

Sustainability

Unlike the corrupt Imperium of man and the corpse Emperor our leader is powered by miracles (which is trully a miracle how he survived but that on the next section), and we use 0 psyckers to power our crap.

Our carbon footprint is also minimum as we use salvaged goods and don't indulge in toxic industries that destroy worlds.

The Red Corsair base of operation is in the Eye of Terror and from there we expand our scope. A place greatly known for its constant shifts, and horrible conditions but the tan our serfs have are spectacullar from all that cosmic radiation.

Finally we are commited to recycling. As in we take from our victims benefactors and put those stolen goods to some great use. Nothing goes to waste, neither mortal, nor static object. If something is not nailed on the floor we will take it.

In fact we might take the floor too and the nails used to set it in place.

Nothing goes to waste!

Unmatched Leadership

Last, but certainly not least.

The man.

The myth.

The Legend.

Huron Blackheart.

Aka Lufgt Huron.

Aka what would happen if we gave a compressed Guilliman a daemonic familiar and left him to ferment in a warp storm.

Not only the name is so edgy you might cut yourself by saying it out loud. But also it's complex enough that if you say it quickly three times without twisting your tongue theres is a chance furniture might start levitating.

The man has put his Ultramarine brain to use and amased enough influence and power to put the Black Legion to shame.

Huron went from 0 to 100 in no time, he is a self made Warmaster. With no daddy issues or troubles in the world, he goes into battle blasting Alestorm in the voxxcasters.

He does not care.

He probably wears this when he wants to relax.

You think he cares?

He does not care.

He has a biker gang specifically organized to hunt down those who have betrayed him.

They slap those things on their armors not for the usual biker reason

(which fun fact the meaning is, 99% of the bikers are law-abiding, where the 1% are not. That's where the 1% comes from. The more you know 🌈)

no they wear that 1% because that's how high are your chances of escaping from them are.

Is that a bit extreme?

Yes.

You think he cares?

He does not care.

The dude once gathered his buddies and decided...

to you know. Have a casual outing. Nothing too serious, it was a sunday afteral.

So they decided on.

Kidnapping Guilliman.

Which they almost did if not for a Fallen of all people getting in the way.

But still.

The mad lad took Macragge's Honour and went on a joyride/ mini civil war.

Who in the galaxy can turn and say.

Yeah, I stole Macragge's Honour, almost captured my old Primarch. Told a daemon prince they are irrelevant on my way there. Anyway after crushing a fool who thought he could take my crown as king of the space pirates, I went to the home planet of the White Scars and kidnapped and tortured their Chapter Master. What did you do this week? 💅

Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?

You tell me I can be an immortal, gorgeous chaos Ultramarine goth boy going on pirate adventures across the galaxy?

Where do I sign up?

I don't need ink for a signature.

I will use my own blood.

#warhammer #warhammer 40000 #warhammer 40k #wh40k #shitpost #red corsairs #chaos ultramarines #chaos space marines #games workshop #black library #huron is the chaos ultramarines representation we deserve

[vcendent]

Things at Wayne Manor that Just Make Sense

• A frankly concerning number of coffee makers. Tim may be the primary offender, but they are all guilty of caffeine dependency to some degree. There are four of them in the kitchen alone just to make sure that there's enough for everyone to get at least one cup in the morning (read: noon-ish), and for each coffee maker, there are two coffee pots. It didn't used to be that way until every coffee pot disappeared one by one and didn't resurface until Tim did the Walk Of Shame: Dirty Dishes Edition from his room and deposited every single one of them into the sink, and by then Alfred had already replaced them.

• Reinforced chandelier mounts left over from Dick's Robin days, or at least that's what Dick would lead you to believe. The chandeliers were and still are his primary thinking place at the manor, and he can occasionally be found hanging upside down from them when he's trying to puzzle out a particularly difficult problem or just needs time to himself.

• A small army of Roombas. Theres a lot of upkeep to be done in a manor as large and lived-in as the Wayne estate, so Alfred has to automate as many of his duties as possible to keep the place running smoothly and still make time to assist in cape business. Besides, since Damian, pet hair has become an ever-constant presence and it's a weight off Alfred's shoulders to know that the Roombas are taking care of cleaning it up at the same rate it's being put down.

• A conversation pit. Bruce thinks it's horribly tacky but the kids love it and even he has to admit that it's a nice to see all his children using it to spend time in one another's company, or even just lounging around on their own, and it puts him at ease knowing they have a comfortable place to do so (though it more often than not gets used as a wrestling ring, with the unanimous agreement to never tell Alfred they're rough housing on his nice cushions).

• A designated lost and found. With so many people at the manor, it's become impossible for anyone to remember what belongs to who, and honestly, Alfred has better things to be doing than trying to figure it out. Anything he finds left unattended for an extended period of time will be taken straight to the lost and found with the express rule that everyone checks there first before asking him if he's seen something.

• A separate set of silverware for every autistic member of the family so that each have their individual sensory needs met at mealtimes. There were only so many times Alfred could listen to them fight over the one Safe Spoon in the manor, which frequently resulted in several minor injuries, before he drug them all out to pick their own.

• An intercom system set up to all the most frequently used rooms to make relaying information easier on Alfred. The system is connected to his phone so that he can reach all rooms from anywhere in the manor without having to stop what he's doing.

#this is mostly just Things That Make Alfred's Life Easier #Alfred loves his roombas #he has named them all #and god help you if its your fault any of them get damaged #like half the batfam are autistic fight me #dc comics #batfamily #batfam #batkids #dc headcanon

[daydreams-after-dark]

ig ive moved in and live here now.. ill just pile some blankets in the corner and form an archaic little nest for myself.

idk if i feel silly or clever but~

you take one han jisung in cute flowy short skirted fae cosplay, complete with pretty fine glittered make up that accentuates those gorgeous doe eyes of his, and freshly picked wild flowers in his shaggy curls; to a ren fair to help set up before opening and convince him it would be such a funny photo op if he placed himself into the pillory set in the far off and conveniently quiet, uninhabited section of the fair grounds.

or hell, maybe theres an audience. maybe its opening day and a crowd is gathering. whatever tickles your boat rly...

the look on his face when you close the latch with a heavy metallic thud is fucking golden.

but the real photo op is one spent and trembling han Jisung with his spunk dripping down his thighs and a blissed out gummy smile on his face when he thanks you and asks for another.

MDNI // SMUT // 🤡🤡🤡

CW: sexual acts in a public place, blowjob, mommy kink - i couldn’t help it - when jisung is dressed up pretty the mommy kink rears its head, exhibitionism.

You couldn’t keep your eyes off your fae Jisung the entire time you were setting up for the fair. He was so pretty in his costume. His sweet anime legs on display from under his short skirt. His eye make up looked stunning. How could a man look so beautiful that it made you weak at the knees?

You’d been trying to catch a feel of him since you got there, trying to sneak a hand up his skirt. But he kept running away, thinking it was the funniest thing to rile you up.

But when you both went to get the pillory set ready, and when Jisung went to mess about with the structure, you saw a perfect opportunity.

“Baby! What are you doing? Let me out!” He whined.

You just smirked in his face. “Sungie, baby.” You cooed. “You’ve been so naughty for me, running away all morning when all I wanted to do was make you feel good.” You cooed and kissed his rouge coloured lips. “Don’t you want to feel good?’ You whispered as your hand slid up his inner thigh to cup his hardening cock.

Jisung let out a little whine at the contact.

“Oh you’re wearing my lace panties, hmm?” You smirked and yanked them down around his thighs. Jisung squealed and his eyes started to water.

“Baby boy. You mustn’t cry. You’ll ruin your pretty makeup. Spit!” You held your hand up to his face so he could wet your hand with his saliva, and then reached up under his skirt and grasped his cock.

“Sungie. Sungie. Look at you. Stuck in this shameful position. Anyone could do absolutely anything to you. Tucked away like this. Far from the rest of the fair.” You pumped his cock slow and rhythmically.

“M-mommy…” he whimpered.

“Shhh. Mommy’s got you. Mommy will take care of you.” You purred.

You gave him one big messy tongue kiss and dropped to your knees, tucking your head up under his skirt.

“Baby boy.” You poked your head back out and looked up at him. “Your cock looks so painful.”

“P-please… please…fuck I need you to suck it, Mommy. Suck on it please!!!” He sobbed.

You resumed your position back under his skirt, holding his now leaking cock out of the way while you sucked his balls into your mouth and hummed around them. Jisung’s thighs quivered. So cute.

Finally you kitten licked the tip of his cock. It was so swollen, engorged to the point you didn’t know how he hadn’t cum already. He was suddenly leaking everywhere, and coupled with your saliva, his cock quickly became a slippery mess. Your hand slid with ease up and down the shaft.

Jisung’s pretty noises were becoming so loud now that you were sure people would be able to hear from across the paddock. But if you stopped your poor little Sungie would surely die.

You reached around and dug your fingernails into his ass and you pulled him towards you and took him all the way into you throat.

“M-mommy…please…mommy…take it…suck it out of me…please!!!” He wailed.

You continued to deep throat him and snuck a finger to his ass and pressed on him there. You knew he loved it when you teased his ass.

“M-mommy…there are p-people watching…”

Wait. What?

“Mommy…p-please don’t stop…need it out of me…need to cum…keep sucking it…I’m gonna-“

You pulled your mouth off his cock and held his skirt up out of the way. You could sense eyes on you as you pumped his swollen, red cock, until ropes of cum spurted out over your hand. Some of it ran down onto his thighs.

“So messy, baby boy. So dirty getting it all over mommy and on yourself too.” You wiped your hand on his leg and stood up.

Jisung looked absolutely fucked out with a gummy smile and unfocused eyes.

“Feel better.” You kissed his cheek.”

“Thank you mommy.” He whispered.

You turned around expecting to find your audience, but no one was there.

————

A/n: this is exactly why I have a side blog. One minute I’m writing sweet lovey dovey smut over on my main blog, then over here I’m posting this kind of deranged shit!

@wolfennracha @noellllslut @kangnina @3rachasdomesticbanana @palindrome969

#Han jisung smut #Han jisung x reader #Han jisung bbg #skz smut

[vaguely-yandere]

Hi Chamomile! I wanted to say that I just LOVE ur blog and ur portrayal of yanderes. You don’t know how deflated I get when finding ONLY harmful yanderes in the tags. Ive always loved submissive yanderes and the like because they are SO CUTE!! U make them so LOVABLE AND CUTEEEEE!

Because u are my 1# favorite blog I wanted to share a yandere idea with u that I can’t stop thinking about:

Cowboy yanderes/southern yanderes. LIKE OH MY GAHHH😍 the southern accent, their polite manners (except for when they get rid of their rival and place their body all over the wide open fields they help maintain), the COURTINGGGG. I have this fantasy of like just a darling moving to a southern town because a. They are introverted as heck and don’t like the city and b. They want to live a quiet life by themselves (no family or friends). Just a cute darling that wants to live peacefully until…. The towns sweetheart falls in love with them. Good looks, lovely manners, church goer and helper to all! They are the total catch with suitors just hounding them down! It’s amazing to know that yandere stayed single for so long claiming to be waiting for the “right one” and while their MAY have been a potential suitor that was the best fit for yandere, yandere decided on the anti social newbie. Everyone BEWILDERED as to why yandere claimed this mess of a person as the love of their life, nobody can say it straight to their face tho(yandere SEETHES if anyone speaks I’ll of their darlin’) just this cutie following you around town, helping you carry your bags, opening every door for you, talking to the sales clerk if they have anything in the back if they don’t have it on shelves. I’m sorry I don’t know how to write as good as you do it buuuuuttt I hope I got you into it! Btw is it possible to be heart ❤️ anon? Thank uuuu!!

....... how did you know im southern ┬┴┬┴┤(-_├┬┴┬┴

but i can totally see cowboy yan being an absolute sweetie!! always gushing about you, always trying to help out around your house, inviting you to church or the bar, just so sweet!! and of course people are jealous but everyone knows not to mess with the sweet little cowboy who carries a knife around all the time, owns a few acres of land and is basically the town sheriff.. i mean, not unless you want all the aunties to shame you!!! and also end up tied up to a tree and left for the wild hogs to eat alive.

and theyre just so so nice, gardening for you, taking care of pests, teaching you about the local environment and such, scolding anyone who talks bad about you, basically teaching you how to be southern! you kinda struggle with it at first but with cowboys sweet nature and patience, you get the hang of it! and if you offer to help them with their chores, they might actually faint from happiness (and a bit of heatstroke)

speaking of heatstroke, i imagine youd struggle to adjust to the weather and end up wearing some less than conservative clothes and, well, there isnt anyone close enough to spy on you so why not just hang out in your backyard in barely anything? its hot, theres a nice breeze going, the sun is shining and if you end up falling asleep, no issue! it just gives cowboy yan the perfect opportunity to memorize how pretty you look, maybe try to secretly relieve some of the arousal they feel and get to church to confess how bad they feel, kneeling in front of the stained glass, sweaty with a hot face, hands clasped as they quietly admit their sin. no, not stalking you, silly! you were a gift to them from god! they just felt bad about touching themselves so close to your half naked form and giving into temptation! but they dont feel bad enough to stop themselves from doing it again and again and again!!!

eheheehe and i love imagining you putting their hat on, trying to be flirty and/or funny and just them trying so so hard not to combust as they try to explain what that means! so so cute!!

and gosh, i just love imagining this usually very tough looking, rugged yandere being absolutely whipped for you. fixing things around your house, taking you where ever you want, hell they'll even give you their jacket if you vaguely mention being chilly! and just imagining them getting on their knees in front of you, looking up at you with so much want... its hard not to give em what they want!

#cowboy yandere #asks #yandere x y/n #yandere #yandere scenarios #yandere imagines #yandere x you #yandere smut #❤️ darling

[pleasetiemyshoelaces]

obligatory 'as a traaans peerson' statement outta the way

I don't like the emphasis of life and death that is placed on gender affirming surgeries. I feel like the american medical care system causes people to lump surgeries into two catagories: opinional surgeries you get because you're fat, lazy, or vain, or SUPER IMPORTANT I WILL DIE IF IM NOT ON THE TABLE RIGHT NOW

and like- theres an in between. there are quality of life procedures that arent 'necessary' (such as vision correction) just as there are aesthetic procedures that are (plastic surgery for people with severe birth defects or injuries that prevent them from integrating into society)

I think the need to make facial fem surgery a matter of life or death is because ppl are just really insecure about surgery in general. Im of the opinion you should be able to do Whatever The Fuck You Want to your body no matter who you are, be it fake tits liposuction or a heart transplant.

but having one aesthetic surgery be too sacred to comment on just because its used by trans women carries the unspoken implication that all other surgery needs to be justified by being sacred. the reality is ppl should just do what they want.

exactly, plus the life and death conversation sort of implies that people like Kim K would have endgamed without the surgeries she had

or that someone who may just want/need it may be shamed away from it because "well im not going to die without it"

It starts a conversation of whos surgeries are more important based on personal feelings around them. And as someone who's got BPD, my personal feelings are almost always at an irrational level. So just because i feel at certain times that things are as drastic as they seem, they actually arent and i am just being irrational.

Self esteem issues are part of life, very few people actually ever have the means to "fix" what they dont like about themselves. The majority of us just have to learn to live with it and grow to love it for what it is. Nobody gets to decide what they look like and we all have a "perfect" image of what we would like to look like in our heads.

Saying shit like "im going to off myself because i dont look like marilyn monroe, or because i dont sound like jennifer tilly" sends a TERRIBLE fucking message to ANYONE, cis or trans. You dont have to "look" or "sound" a certain way to be acceptable to society, and black and whites like life and death are a great way to push the idea that you do.

Do what you want with your body and your money. But stop trying to make it a "life and death" thing, when its something EVERYONE has to deal with in life.

We'd all change things about ourselves if we could, but that never means you cant find happiness in your life if you cant. In my personal opinion thats just the perspective of a shallow narcissistic person. Looks arent everything, pretty, femme, butch, masc, handsome, is skin deep.

#courtney orchard #courtney peet

[friedchickenlover01]

SFW: Yandere Alucard Hellsing x Tomie Reader

Warnings - Yandere themes, tomie, murder, harm, swearing, locking reader up, mention of hooking up and basically one night stand.

Authors note - I wrote this on the opinion that Tomie’s beauty only affects men as that’s how it is portrayed and shown on Junji Ito’s books, gn reader.

- He has been watching you for so long, and yet you still surprise him!

- Alucard stalks his darling and with his power to quickly move through the shadows and along with the ability to change into whatever shape he desires, its as easy as a slice of cake for him. It would be rare for you to realise he’s watching you even if you are not human. So he could easily find out everything about you.

- Honestly, for a sec, before he knew your powers, he would just see you as a really physically attractive person. He would find it something strange about you that he just can’t put his finger on, but other then that, if you were a person who were just walking past him, he wouldn’t care about you that much. He might find your egotistical personality intriguing but thats it.

- Anyways, for him to realise your power, theres three ways for it to happen:

- First is that you straight up told him your powers. Now i imagine that Alucard will be confused and not believe you, he would honestly brush it off. This path needs to happen in his early obsession stages where his love is somewhat normal, when he would allow you to walk around the Hellsing mansion as well as outside at nighttime with him, keeping an eye on you at all times. It could happen where a stranger or a soldier passing by became obsessed and harmed you by whether just cutting you up or shooting you. Now Alucard has extraordinary senses, he can easily hear your heart beat with keeping track of your every breath, the moment you get attacked, he’s right there, cradling you in his arms, the attacker already being filled with bullets in their body. He would be rushing to the nearest hospital, yelling at the doctors to save you, and he’s taken by surprise when you suddenly regenerate, however, not only that, you continue to regenerate into seperate multiple copies of you.

- The second one is that he attacked you himself, this way of happening is really rare as i imagine someone like Tomie will not associate with his profession nor go to the places he goes for his mission. Nevertheless, due to this hc, we will go with the path that he attacked you accidentally. Now what situation and relationship you have that moment is important along with the severity of the injuries. Because if you two were in a relationship or he was already a yandere, Alucard’s reaction in the first choice at the end when you got attacked will be the same. And depending how serious the injuries are, if you “died” from the injuries ( aka your heart basically stopped ) he would either mourn your death and try to make you into a vampire or if you were just a person Alucard killed at a mission, he would literally say “ what a shame, they looked hot as fuck “. Even so, both end with him being surprised and intrigued at your powers.

- Finally, the way is that you got attacked by a vampire he was supposed to kill. This is really similar to the second way of Alucard accidentally killing / harming you. Because it literally is. He would have the same reaction as to the last four lines of the above paragraph. I mean, what can you expect, this dead monster probably killed millions if not billions of people and consumes blood along with killing literally anyone as a type of hobby. One more stranger wouldn’t matter much to him.

- Nonetheless, to the relationship part!

- Since Tomie hates being photographed due to how she ends up looking like, i imagine you too. Now, even so, Alucard doesn’t bother with pictures, he just never had the reason to, also i don’t think he ends up appearing on photos anyways because of the fact he’s a vampire, ( sorry i actually don’t know ). So when he finds that you hate being in photos, he wouldn’t mind it at all, instead, he would help to get out of photographs. Even if that means shoving the camera, moving you out of the range, or covering you with his giant body or clothes.

- With the mention of your appearances, Alucard is not someone who will fall for someone for their looks, he might try to hook up with you but he won’t be a complete yandere or in love due to your appearance as he has cultivated centuries training his powers and gaining strength until he’s literally the strongest. But even though your powers may not work on him completely, it might help in developing his obsession and make it a bit more faster to develop.

- Now due to your powers and the influence of what it has to people around you, Alucard as a lover and a yandere will definitely see this as a reason to lock you up and be more overprotective. He is already possessive and overprotective by nature and being a yandere is just amplifying it more.

- He actually doesn’t have a problem as to what you do other people, heaven knows what worse things he have done in the centuries he lived. The risk of your safety is the problem for him, if you were that desperate to stay youthful, he would only allow the smallest cut on your fingers. You either have to take it or grow old.

- He will also be really curious about this power of yours, he often doesn’t get the chance to meet other supernaturals so he will ask you quite a lot of questions, ranging from who does it affect, why does it happen, etc.

- More on over, unlike a yandere Alucard with a normal darling, he will only allow Sir Integral and Seras to be with you. Along with only maids so no one is affected by your beauty. Even so, he will be strict about maids looking at you, with especially your face. Other than them, he will allow no one to be with you to even Walter is not allowed, this is because of the fact Walter is too much of an asset to be carelessly thrown away, (,although it isnt to say if it cones down to it, walter would swiftly be sent to the underworld ). So Alucard would rather be safe than sorry and not risk too much of not only your safety but Walter’s as well.

#friedchickenlover01 #duck… #nandoslover028 #godduckcult #anime #fanfic #headcannons #alucard hellsing #hellsing ultimate #hellsing x reader #yandere hellsing #yandere alucard #alucard #alucard x reader #tomiejunjiito #tomie reader #junji ito #junji ito uzumaki #junji ito souichi #hellsing alucard #alexander anderson #seras victoria #sir integra

[gibbearish]

something kind of. bitter. abt tons of posts from about a month ago being like "anyone daring to even consider the words 'compassion fatigue/burnout' is a piece of shit for trying to assuage their own guilt over not paying as much attention as they should, much less telling OTHER people that it's ok to look away when it's not your place to say that because you're not the victims. 'wah wah my mental health' well at least you're not being bombed so you'd better be thankful you're not in their position. if you're not constantly tortured with graphic visions of genocide then you aren't actually doing your part" vs posts now being like "psa, if you're constantly being haunted by images you've seen and it's affecting your mood significantly, that's not normal and there's a word for that!" like. wow yeah damn if only someone had tried to warn people that this was a thing before it started to set in. such a shame no one did, oh well. and i know it's probably not the same people making those posts, but it still. Feels. and i know i've already made a post to this time before but idc the shift has put it back in my head so i guess take 2 on why i found this so annoying in the first place

it was always with a vibe of like, "this event is so horrible that the regular precautions to avoid compassion fatigue shouldn't apply, fixing it is more important." which. /is/ true in a sense, however those two things aren't actually related in the way that framing that way implies, paying attention doesn't actually /do/ anything concrete that would be lost by taking breaks from consuming news about this. there's the implication that the more people that pay attention, the more people in power will be forced to behave knowing that the world's eyes are on them. but like. this far in, they know everyone's eyes are on them by now, and have decided to proceed anyways. just kind of... looking at them harder isn't going to change anything. and also like.... "when the event is this horrible, why would you be thinking about that instead of putting them first"? because. the more horrible the event. the more. likely learning a lot about it will fuck you up? thats. that seems pretty obvious to me? like. there's more Shit For Your Brain To Torment You With 24/7 if more shit is being done and reported on. the worse something is, the worse it'll make you feel to spend all your time thinking about. yes, some people will be ignoring it because they genuinely don't care, but that doesn't automatically mean the ONLY way to care is to Pay Constant Attention No Matter What.

and like. yes, we should do all we can to help palestinians, but some people act like because we're not being killed and they are, we owe it to them to take on as much of that trauma as we can by proxy? like since we aren't having to go through the actual thing, any negative affects we go through can never compare and are therefore irrelevant, and we should instead only be thankful it's not happening to us. i've said this before but it feels very much like the old "finish your vegetables, there's kids starving in africa" thing parents would say, where it's like. ok, i get that the sentiment behind what youre expressing here is "you should take care to be thankful for things you take for granted, because there are people out there suffering without this," but theres always an implicit "and if you don't use yours right, you're hurting those people by wasting what they could've used" when that just !! doesn't actually follow after the first part, that is not the conclusion you should draw there!!! i would obviously give my leftover vegetables to someone else sooner than throw them away but until warp technology is cracked i am limited by things like distance and expiration dates and stable temperature zones, and i would obviously give my leftover Not Being Bombed to every palestinian if i could but until The Way Reality Works is cracked i am limited by. yknow. the way reality works. abstract concepts like that just arent transferrable without a LOT more direct involvement than just. looking at some posts or not.

and i think that's the crucial thing that bugs me abt both of these is not just that the conclusions they offer are wrong and manipulative, but that the /premise themselves/ are, and they take something HUGE for granted, which is "the thing i want you to do is Right and will Work, therefore i'm justified in forcing you to do it, regardless of any discomfort this causes as it will still have a net positive impact." eating your vegetables is Good for you, so forcing you to eat more when you don't want them is justified, and your reasons for not wanting them don't matter. palestinians have asked us to keep reading and sharing their posts because it helps them, so shaming people for not wanting to is justified, and their reasons for not wanting to don't matter. nevermind that overeating can be bad for you and children are indeed capable of telling when they're full or of having slightly smaller stomachs than the serving sizes their parents dish up, nevermind that they can have food sensitivities or even just /dislike the flavor of something/ and we don't force adults to finish foods they know they dislike, nevermind that compassion fatigue was already an existing concept long before this, nevermind that this is The Mental Illness Website, nevermind that reblogging a bunch of posts with graphic videos that will keep you up all night and be filtered by half your followers anyways doesn't stop fucking BOMBS. it's all we can do, nevermind that it's largely symbolic, therefore if you're not doing it for ANY reason, you are Bad. so do what i say in order to be Good even if it hurts you. it's just such a manipulative, PATRONIZING way of going about things that it just grates at me every time.

#long post #origibberish #idk if any of this makes sense or if its just random nonsense

[fredheads]

have been thinking lately about how messy it would be if senior dies while fred and fp are married to mary and gladys, and this is the timeline where fred and fp never hooked up or have even really come out to anyone let alone each other, but theyre still best friends etc etc. so senior dies and fp hasnt spoken to him in years but hes still super fucked up over it and obviously freds going to the funeral to support fp. and after the funeral they go off on their own cuz gladys and mary have the kids who are still super young, maybe babies, and freds just trying to be a good friend, making sure fp doesnt fly off the deep end as he's prone to doing. and maybe they end up at the construction trailer because its the only place they have to be alone right now and fps not really interested in being around anyone else. and he's been sort of distant the whole day, which was to be expected. fred didnt think much of it besides him being in grief. but then theyre in the trailer alone and fp starts talking about how there were things he felt he could never do with his father still alive and now that hes gone he wants to do them just to stick it to him, and its all very vague and freds not really catching on until fps mouth is on his desperately. and of course theres a part of fred thats telling him they shouldnt be doing this because theyre married and fathers and fps not in his right mind this is all just a horrible mistake. but theres another part thats been wanting this since they were kids but he shoved it so far back in his mind he never even considered it a possibility and now that its (literally) fallen into his lap... he's having a real hard time resisting

so of course they end up fucking and when they go home after to their wives its all deeply shameful and now theyve got this secret to keep and its totally only gonna be a one time thing so theres no point in bringing it up anyway right...

SCREAMING AND THRASHING!!!!!

The part of fred that's wanted it since they were kids.... 😩😩😩😩😵😵😵😵😵🥵😖🤧Of course it was just a one time thing but what if.... He can't stop thinking about it...... Like at all...... 😔 And now fred has to come to terms with being into guys while being burdened with the knowledge that fp is into guys and they are both into each other and yet..... And fps dad just died so it is not an appropriate time to bring these things up even if he wanted to...... And he has a little baby he has to take care of...... So yes it should stay a secret and he should never think about it again but uh... He do he thinking

[thegeminisage]

back at it in KAKARIKO!! finally...they better let me climb these damn ruins ive been waiting to do it for 165 hours

FINALLYYYYYYYY

god and these poor kids can visit their moms grave again...

MINERU, SAGE OF!!!!! oh man i knew it i KNEW it. i love to be right

man calip is such a fucking loser. he's been blocking people this whole time & now he's mad about getting upstaged by a woman. get a life dude

WOW and hes making tauro say "fantastic" again. dude, COME ON!!!

ok wait i changed my mind. before i go to faron i wanna go back to the castle. i know my tunic and shield are both there!! i doubt i'll wear the tunic much bc i got my oot gear but i NEED my hylian shield. ive been using a zonaite shield the entire game!!!

man the music here is still SO intense

i remember zelda's diary said the tunic was in the throne room behind the throne but i dont see any way of moving it...

okay i looked it up. torches!!! and i GOT IT!!!!! wah......

now the shield...NO idea where this is, i'm gonna have to look it up fr

oh.

you have to go thru hands :|

well. how badly do i want it...

wtf this korok had extra dialogue???

"id heard korok forest was allw eird there for awhile but now its back" what the hell?? the other koroks just say ya ha ha......

korok hunting is so stressful here btw. why would anyone put so many seeds here. evil evil evil

OH my god okay i found a video that shows you a way to go around the hands. WHEW. thank you internet. im gonna try it!!!

oh i do Not like it in here. i thot about getting all my korok seeds rn but it is like 1am. no fucjing way. this whole goddamn place is cursed

GOT IT!!!!!! i am getting the FUCK outta here. i can't believe i could have done that the whole time lol

apparently it's 3k to rebuy it if it breaks but...i got the cash.

also tbh. im gonna keep wearing my oot armor bc i was gonna anyway but also bc i think the tunic looks nicer in botw. shoulder guard bad. i mean its more practical but less stylish

lol i went to the tower next to the zonai ruins and calip is there like waaah tauro had to go on ahead wahhhh im slow

suck it up!!!

man i remember being SO put out there wasnt anything here. but i guess there is!

quick stop to deliver this mf claw...

2 down, 1 to go. i have dinraal's claw but idw go back to the power spring bc theres hands near it lol

YOOOOO charged SHIRT

omg lol this is so skimpy and girly. love it <3

this outfit is SIIIICK i LOVE dragon armor!!!!!

DAMN OK....................THAT WAS SICK AS HELL

the storm is gone above the dragon islands!!!!! which is a shame almost bc this armor would have made me so deadly up there lol

man i think calip just has a fucking crush on this dude. problematic gay rep happy pride

ah, too bad i never was able to get a fast travel point up there...

i can fly over from the great plateau though. goddammit. great SKY ISLANDS

ooh, i still see some flashing...maybe an opportunity to use this new armor after all

there are storms! and the music is so cool...

right where i landed before...i know bc i DID get this gacha machine. and i remember this trio of like likes lol. very hard to do with zero visibility

ah man there's so much to see here!! but it's getting late so i have to pause for now :(

#personal #loz blogging #totk lb #totk spoilers

[prince-tulip]

Im so sorry for what I've done...im trying to be a better person, its just hard when all I want to do is fix everything ive ever broken. Trying to grow and understand these horrible illnesses, impairments or injuries, whatever life may throw at me. Its a journey im trying to bring to an end..i want a beautiful life..

The bitterness is something i still struggle with, maybe it plays into my life, more than i wanna admit, the guilt and shame i feel in those situations alone makes me want to die. The unrelenting feeling of emptiness topped with a conflicting sense of invalidation. God, it is so ugly to feel..disgusting completely. I am disgusted with myself. I have a need for filling roles for people that i feel obligated to fill, its about that shame. Its about not knowing how to let go what needs to be let go because you dont understand what letting go is. Its about not giving into nostalgia. Not seeking validation in something that can no longer give you that, not falling in to bad habits or abusing drugs, abusing alchohol, abusing, sex, porn, anger, depression, hate, impulsiveness, just things that hurt you..im trying to be clean..im trying to break free..theres a big picture im trying to paint, im focused on me and trying to just be good to others.

I can be alone, i can be who i need to be right now to find who i will be later. Im strong and steadfast. I love you, all of you, anyone who ever was there or will be. Past, present and future. Im coming to terms, one day.

The pain was real, its real. The realization of my wrongs are real, the achingly painful emptiness is real. I need to feel it and face it. Face the realization. The realization that i mirror othed people. That i don't give people boundaries or myself.

The realization of it all...how was i so detached, so careless...i can blame it on all i can but it doesn't mean i didn't do anything..doesn't take away from the false reality i was living in, that i didn't understand that it literally tore me apart, changed me to hurt loved ones, its as if i wanted to get to a point to where i was so crazy and so fucked up. Split personality, split reality, split fucking brain, filled with contradictions and fears, making any kind of decision is aweful, it makes me change as a person, like i will die or the worst possible event will happen, it is unrelenting. Theres so many ways that i didnt know how to function without living in destruction. Was it my bpd? Was it my autism? Was it my anxiety? Was it the cognitive distortion? Or was it whatever defense mechanisms i made up in my head?...why wasn't i a better person to people i truly love? Or am i just not a capable of living normally with normal relationships?

Im in deep pain and i can only try to be a better person from here..thats all i can do, there's not much time left. I could die tomorrow. Which i act scared in that regard but i also have always had a weird feeling of relief in the thought of dying instantly, anywhere or anyway, whatever time or place.

Selfish, i know. Its too easy right? If i always thought about how i deserve nothing but punishment then why would i wish to die? For that would just bring peace.

My brain almost undoubtedly would go "oh thank goodness now i don't have to make that phone call now" and laugh with a hint of irony. Nervous in way of course as well. For why shouldn't i be? For if there was a heaven or hell, I do not in the slightest know where i would go. Probably somewhere in between if i had to guess.

#self healing #living with bpd #bpd thoughts #cognitive distortions #autistic burnout #mental health #bi polar #literature #im so so so sorry #im fucking exhausted #insecurities

[lightlycareless]

chapter 28 taking me out again,,, more character building,,

naoya just can not win this man is being attacked from every side (deserved). the way i screamed that he got suspended from work for MONTHS? he is about to be INSUFFERABLE (like more so than normal).

AND THE LINE ABT AS LONG AS THE KID IS A ZENIN IT DOESNT MATTER,,, I CAN JUST FEEL THE PSYCHIC DAMAGE HE TOOK IN THAT MOMENT. FULL ON GLASS SHATTER SOUND EFFECT TYPE SHIT. OBLITERATED.

also its so funny fr how he goes over reasons for y/n’s behavior towards him, trying to figure out what went wrong, and it just… never occurs maybe it was the abuse? the s/a? couldn’t possibly be. must be his brother. zero braincell behavior HOW is he this delusional

AND WHAT IS RANTA PLANNING?? whatever it is i know its a bad idea and he should stop. immediately. like maybe its not on purpose malicious but i still know its gonna turn out badly and NO ONE is going to be happy with the outcome

and on the other hand y/n and naoaki- incredible. amazing. are they STILL believing they’re being platonic with each other after all that?? the cuddling?? i can only imagine if they’d been walked in on like that

N THE END?? NAOYA SAW HIM LEAVING HER ROOM HE IS GONNA BE SO PISSED and theres so many QUESTIONS raised from that. like does naoaki know he saw him?? does this have any impact on Ranta’s Horrible Plan?? is naoyas first response gonna be storming over to naoaki or barging in on y/n??? theres SO MANY possibilities here and chapter 29 is gonna kill me

Hello!!!

I’m super glad you like this chapter hahahahahahahahh It’s the beginning of Naoya’s suffering, of what he deserves 😈

Had to get him where it hurts most, and that had to be his career as a sorcerer… a punishment that ended up being kind of a slap on the wrist tbh, because why wouldn’t that be the case 🙄 I think if it had been anyone else, like someone of a less impressive heritage they would’ve been permanently suspended—it’s the Zen’in playing their privilege card once again…

And yeah, I can’t imagine how insufferable he’s going to be on the incoming days hahahaha like, he’s essentially forced to stay in the estate since he can’t do his work anymore, and not only that, nobody wants to hang out with him!!!! Only ranta cares enough to stick around but even then, the poor boy was like “omg I hope he doesn’t kill me for approaching him” damn he truly has no friends 😂 (well, you reap what you sow) lmao

But for him to foolishly convince himself that if no one is going to care, y/n will just because of what she did and because she’s his wife? Come ooooon Naoya hahahahahahha that’s just another level of delusion, like wake up my dude. I’m glad the elders’ comment was quick to put him in his place though :> (YOU SAID IT WELL, HE WAS DEVASTATED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH it’s like that one scene where Mahito and Sukura are laughing at Itadori and he's naiveness, I guess)

At the same time though, I was like: the elders should stfu, they have NO RIGHT to talk about Y/N get OUT.

But still not good enough for him to realize where the true guilt lies; well, like I said, it’s something that he can’t comprehend yet. Holding accountability is not something that the Zen’in are like… avid believers of, opting to just put the blame onto others, like poor Naoaki 😒 man, it’s not his fault that Naoya is an idiot and that y/n prefers him :^) (you reap what you sow part.2)

Ranta is the kind of person I truly, truly think he has good intentions… but it’s such a shame he’s investing all of his energy on Naoya 😭 guess he knows something we don’t… anyways, can’t wait to see his plan and how it will backfire on them :>

NOW NAOAKI AND Y/N THAT SCENE… was the one I posted earlier about haunting me hahhah I know that by writing that I will be crossing a line so to speak, but at the same time… come on. Like, the two are getting to know each other and spending time with one another… they’re bound to eventually want to do something a bit more personal (this was highly indulgent too hahah forgive me 😭) you know? And y/n was in desperate need of comfort, it was foul how her happiness was destroyed like that and so quickly too!! Hinata… please… just take her out of there…

Also, be careful with what you wish for, ‘cause it just might come true 😊😈

Now to your question about whether Naoaki saw him… maybe, I think he might’ve sensed him but since he was like not wanting to entertain anybody, he was like meh who cares goodbye!!! Besides, it’s stated that he’s become far more obvious when it comes to approaching y/n so maybe he really doesn’t care anymore lol

It’s completely reasonable to expect the worst considering all that happened in the chapters before and how I’ve portrayed Naoya, however, he is in a rattled state of mind so… guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens 😊

I’m super happy that you liked this chapter 🥺❤ ngl I was super nervous about it (more on that in the behind the scene notes) but reading your feedback is always reassuring to me 😭 thank you for you support!!! It motivates me to keep on writing :> I can’t wait for you to read the upcoming chapters!

I hope you have a wonderful week, take care, and hope to see you around!!

#ask #ask series: first it hurts—

[southern--downpour]

hello Virgil when you have the time you should explain your coloring and lining process

they way i do both lines and ESPECIALLY color changes basically every time i draw but yeah sure! im also p bad at explaining myself so idk if this is gonna make sense to anyone but me!

(first off dont draw on pure white canvases!! itll psyche you out and intimidate you because of the blank canvas, also its fucking eye bleeding!! i like going with a medium/light grey but ive seen people use a beige or light brown too just anything but pure white. also helps to just get SOMETHING onto the page if your having trouble w/ artblock, doesnt matter if its good it just has to be something u can work with. trust the process 100% and if it doesnt turn out good theres no shame in restarting from scratch, at least the idea is out of your head and easier to work through what was wrong)

my sketches are usually super messy and i go through like two to four different layers of refining it before starting lineart, and with lineart i usually use either a simple hard round brush or a sketchier one if im doing painting? my go-to ones are the default G-Pen in clip studio edited a bit to fit how i like pen pressure and 1834113 and 1761353 in the asset store but i like messing w/ whatever i can find on there and whatever feels fun at the time lmao so its not very consistent

i try and keep my lines pretty thin on the inside and thicker on the outer edge? as well as adding bits of cross-hatching and hatching both in the lines and when i go in with shading!

i keep my lineart brushes pretty minimal with the pen pressure as im not the best with my pen control and just change the size of pen as i go lmao. More prevalent when i'm doing super clean lines for comics and not sketchy ones like this for painting but its generally the same, i'm not the neatest person when it comes to lines

I draw a lot of the individual parts (head, facial features, hair, clothes, hands, etc.) on separate layers so if something looks wrong i can either wipe the layer entirely or go in with the transform tool and not mess with the rest of the lineart in the process lol

(also i saw someone keep the eyes and facial features visible under the hair but erase where they meet the lines for the hair? and just yoinked it for myself because it looks super nice lmao.)

starting colors is almost always the same, where i just go in and block in the base color for each part (skin, hair, clothes, etc.) on a separate layer to make going back and editing colors a lot easier. with painting like here i also go in and add basic shading, mostly around the skin! usually i add a darker & warmer color around the cheeks, nose, eyes, fingertips and joints as well as in places where theres shading like under the head and under the nose.

also in the darkest parts of the shading like under the head/neck and under the nose i like to add a light bluish/purpleish color very lightly as a bounce light! it doesnt always fit with the piece but it does look very nice when i can make it fit so i try to remember to do that lol.

(I dont take many progress shots or timelapses so i apologize for not having the best reference images lmao)

if im doing painting, after finishing the base colors & light shading i put everything ive done into one folder and make a clipping mask over top of it and paint over it!

i usually add more detailed shading + heavier highlights on places like the nose and edges of the skin showing to make it look nice and shiny lol

(i dont have any recent drawings i can show progress pics of but just trust me on this) if im doing cell shading though i do the same thing with putting the lineart and colors into a layer, but add a multiply layer on top of it and pick a pretty saturated color to go in with the shading. if i have a background i try and keep in mind what colors are in the background and what the lighting situation is to make sure the characters blend into the background more realistically. also airbrush tool and the add glow layer is your best friend in this situation

usually after that i go back and color the line art! I pick the darkest color in a part of the drawing like the clothes or hair, make it warmer and darker and go in on the innermost parts of the lineart with it and keep a lot of the outer lines black for contrast

then i just go completely fucking ham with overlay layers and gradient maps lmao, they ARE the fucking best and are usually what i use to finish off a drawing lol.

usually i use a combination of just fucking with the default "sky" graidents in clip studio or one set i got from the asset store (1814319) on a soft light layer at like, 10-30 opacity because it gives it a REALLY nice look. again just keep in mind the lighting situation (darker night? daylight? funky bright colors?) and just go until it looks good lol.

that's basically it? though tbh i tend to just grab onto whatever technique or tip i saw on tiktok or someone on youtube do and use that, as well as changing how i color hair/skin depending on what i think looks nice at the time. none of my shit is consistent what so ever so i just kinda change things or try new brushes/coloring styles on the fly if i think it looks nice lmao. pure essence of fuck around and find out every time i open clip studio

really hope this makes sense to anyone but me and hope this was helpful!

#virgil arts #virgil asks #long post #(?) #honestly best tip is just browse the clip studio asset shop and try as many brushes as u can #and just watch every coloring tutorial u can find on yt or tiktok or wherever #just try shit! #eventually youll find stuff you really like and wanna go with #my entire style is a mish mash of my favorite shows or comics or artists styles that ive yoinked and blended together #(((((specifically stole the way abd illustrates draws faces if u want to know how i draw faces just binge his yt channel))))))) #((((also i go tt the way i draw hair 100% from ikimaru and the general homestuck fandom back in the day)))) #also one of the best bits of advice ive gotten is to not worry about finding a style #eventually if u just start adding cool shit u see other artists do itll just come naturally to u #pure trial and error motherfucker! #tho tbf i learn mostly via the 'trial by fire' method #where i just throw myself into something im not remotely qualified to make and figure it out as i go #because eventually if i do that enough i do in fact get really good at the thing im trying to learn! #thats how i learned background stuff! #(also. if u dont have clip studio. u can do most of this shit sans gradient maps in any program) #(ALSO CLIP STUDIO IS BABY EASY TO PIRATE BUT YOU DIDNT HEAR THAT FROM ME) #(I FOR SURE OWN A COMPLETELY LEGAL COPY OF CSP)

[threadingcolor]

i dont know what it says about me that i expect it all to hurt. you know? getting better. talking about things. not talking about things.

maybe hurt is the wrong word. maybe hurt is too dramatic. im not always expecting pain its just- discomfort. im not expecting devastating or world ending pain i just. i just. things are going to suck for a bit, thats fine, right. things can always suck a bit. things are good too, right, its not like a never ending slog of. pain or discomfort or.

i dont know who in justifying myself to. theres no one else here. i am preempting something and i dont know what.

im reading these title cards for therapists and i dont . i dont know. i dont even know how to conceptualize talking to people. i havent even planned what im going to say. i dont really know what to do and i know i dont need to, to carry through with this but im. im looking at these stupid goddamn profiles and feeling like an idiot. Theyre talking about embracing strength and finding light and it sounds- stupid. i know its not intended to be patronizing or. its not like theyre lying or anything, these are carefully chosen words and.

christ. im so tired. i havent done anything and im. tired.

Im going to go tell someone about my problems and theyre either going to tell me its not that big a deal, really, or theyre going to. i dont know. freak out. tell me i need to. quit. or stop. or . do something big and visible and. i want more than anything to solve this silently. in an ideal world i fix this without anyone knowing. in an ideal world i fall apart and put myself together in the dark where its just me and maybe this trained professional and i get to lie to everyone in my life.

in an. ideal world.

i know the- solution is a symptom, probably, that this desire to lie first and fix second is a bad sign. but i just. i would love to be able to do that. i gwt it. i get it. i always fucking get it. but i want to, do you understand. id love to.

its just me. losing my fucking mind. i know that. its always more embarassing to have other people see it. its always been better to do it silently and come back than have someone hold my hand and then try to break it to me later that i was unwell. i know. i know. i know. you dont need to tell me i was being irrational. i promise you. ive thought about it.

people who love me try to help and i worry i always end up hating them more for it. people try to get to know me and it becomes an arms race between how badly id like to know them and how quickly i can construct a lie they might find acceptable.

i lie to people and then when i get tired of lying, things fall apart. self fulfilling prophecy, or maybe just poor communication.

i think about breaking down and i think about people seeing it and i go. embarassing. embarassing. humiliating. there is no catharsis i imagine that is worth the shame after. what does that say about me. what does that say about the people around me.

no one hates me more than i hate myself, probably. at what point does that get dangerous. at what point does that get frustrating. for others.

my own happiness feels like a lost cause, a lot of the time. unreliable emotions. irrational thinking. putting up guardrails like bumpers for bowling, slamming into them as my mind dissolves. this doesnt matter. none of it does.

i watched my mom jump from thought to thought to thought on an awful day in a bad spiral and thought. oh this feels familiar. this feels familiar.

its all so much work to end back up in the same place. its fine. its awful. it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter or it all does, and if its the latter i dont know how to deal.

Im so tired. all of this is just self indulgence. this isnt helping.

sliding. away. its fine. i wrap the rope twice around my hands and pull back. there is something wrong here.

id prefer not to think about it.