#not only do i need it for my general functionality but also bc it helps relieve my fatigue in a way that nothing else does

[manasurge]

ugh vyvanse is on backorder :( and it's the long weekend too. Looks like I'm probably going without it for a number of days, which is going to suck significantly for me. This sorta thing ALWAYS happens on long weekends I stg (also wasn't the patent supposed to be removed? shouldn't this sort of thing be easier now? idk maybe it's going to be super delayed for Canada as usual. Sobs).

#sobs #not only do i need it for my general functionality but also bc it helps relieve my fatigue in a way that nothing else does #I also need to get my synthroid prescription refiled; but i prefer to do these both at the same time to save myself the extra trip #luckily i have backups of those with my older lower dose (I take a higher one now; but it's better to have these than nothing!) #ugh I'm going to struggle with focus so much these next few days or more; which is annoying bc they help me so much when I want to draw #idk why they help my to relieve my fatigue so much but they do #and this probably means I'm going to have to rely on my B vitamins as a temporary solution since they sorta help; but not long term enough

[yourpsicodelicbitch]

juno signs and their specific love language pt3🦋🪷

Spy x Family

juno shows us what’s the style that functions better with you -relationships, meaningful committed partnership-, the characteristics of our ideal partner and more.

birth chart + tropical + whole sign system

take what resonates, leave what don’t 🎀 you don’t have to necessarily identify with it.

Sagittarius

how I’ll describe sag junos ideal partner: they’re telling you the truth. they put you in your place. they’re not letting you go until you open your eyes. they know they can’t control things but they’ll do everything to put a smile on you. your grin melts them. they wish you infinite joy. they won’t impose their mindset. they’ll let you be. sag juno travel between minds, social groups, countries, etc. they’re so absorbed by the unknown, they want to eat the world, they search that in a partner. first of all, they need a best friend who’s also their partner, someone who they’re NOT trying to be other person/ to only show an aspect of their person. they want to feel and be captivated by others mindset. I’m not only referring about knowledge of books and etc, I’m referring to experiences and what the other have had learned to deal with it. they’re captivated by the way their partner outcome without effort a situation that, at first sight, is seen as problematic, but the other will joke about it. it’s giving they want a sugar mommy/daddy. sag juno specific love language: they’ll put you in your place.

Scorpio

this is a more “I’ll kill and die for you” type of vibe. you want them to be your protector? how I’ll describe scorpio ideal partner: they’re so obsessed and consume by their partners. “obsessed” it’s not the correct word to describe it. they want nothing to happen to them. they want to get to know them deeply, since the beginning of their existence 😭 they want to know their traumas, they want to know why are the way they’re, the events who left a mark on their soul. EVERY DETAIL. how you feel about them, I think they consider a lot the emotions of their loved ones -partner- and how an experience/person made them feel. in conclusion, scorpio juno is needy jk THEY WANT CRAVE LOVE INTENSITY. they don’t like their partner to be superficial. they search for the meaning of “growing together as a couple”. they want to change -transform- with you, bc of you and beside you -NEED THEIR IDEAL PARTNER TO FEEL THE SAME-. scorpio juno has standards, “if you don’t have this I won’t be with you” kind of vibe. the love language of scorpio juno is staying with you no matter what or trying to make things easier, to protect your soul. ik I’m not mentioning a single and practical love language but scorpio juno is so intense I can’t 😝

Pisces

THE DELUSIONAL OF THE DELULUS. definitely gift giving or quality time love language. I imagine pisces juno in their head, spacing out, thinking about their crush and their crush is BESIDE THEM. EVERY TIME they open their eyes and leave the “best qualities of my soulmate/ideal partner” space they’re disappointed asf. I’ll describe how I think the ideal partner of pisces juno is: the incapability of setting boundaries i fear😤 PLS the handmade gifts, pictures, songs, drawings, every existing expression they can explode their artistic potential will be given to you, the chosen one. THEYRE THE DEFINITION OF EMPATHY, idc what others will say. they’ll show you parts of themselves others don’t know and don’t have the honor to enjoy. they’ll fucking accept you and take care of you generously. the things they’ll do for you comes from the bottom of their hearts. they’re so pure ☹️ but they could get lost in the idea of love, relationships. they won’t hesitate on helping you, as impulsive and incoherent as they are for who owns their heart. they literally FEEL their heart in your hands if they’re in love with you. they’re so vulnerable, you could throw away their heart AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU ANYWAYS. reminds me of a puppy eye person or an artist 😝 specific love language of pisces juno is GIVING THEIR HEART TO YOU (and they’re not deciding it, it happens) -yes, the same as their partner would bc THEY NEED TO BE RECIPROCATED- and also zoning out bc of you.

♡ Based on personal experience and I’ve analyzed in my surroundings.

♡ English is not my first language.

♡ I’m not a profesional astrologer.

Thank youu. baibaiii🫣🫶🏼💋

Do not copy. Please give me credits.

#astrology #astro observations #pinterest #astro posts #astro placements #astro notes #birth chart #juno signs and their specific love language #juno signs #asteroid #scorpio #saggitarius #pisces #whole sign system #spy x family

[gold-rhine]

(can answer privately if u want)

how did you manage to write enjou stirring shit up. i need to know for Reasons

(Reasons being: i wanna write him doing that as well so i need to know how you figured that specific brand of Manipulation out)

oh, i love talking about Enjou, he's so fun to write.

Okay, Enjou's main rule is that he doesn't *technically* lie. If you've ever written fae with no-lie rules it should be similar. Everything he says should be true, even if he's seemingly joking - like when he tells traveler you never know what can happen in magic rituals, I could turn into a flame-throwing monster haha! He only lies by omission or by using leading questions. He often answers direct questions with his own questions, which lets him evade, or by what he makes look like a joke.

Like in Enka when traveler arrived and asked him who he is, he asked question in return, like Didn't they tell you there's gonna be a priest who will guide you? Traveler went yeah, they did. Enjou was like Great! You can't be expected to learn new language haha! i'm here to help translate.

He didn't say "I'm the priest who Kokomi said will help you," he asked a leading question to make traveler think about the priest with connection traveler trusted, then he didn't directly confirm he IS the priest and instead re-directed to his function "I'll help to translate", which is true!

Enjou's second rule is that he's a little shit and also a corny nerd. Like there's often a boring stereotype of manipulators being cool and sleek and charismatic, but Enjou is not that. He's a jokerified librarian. He consciously acts lame and corny to make the other person underestimate him and roll their eyes. He loves repeating how he's just a weak bookworm. He will go on info-dumping tangents to bury the lead of manipulation.

He also loves playing with his food, burying little inside jokes which only make sense in hindsight, like "I could turn into a flame-throwing monster". He likes doing the weak nerd routine, he enjoys watching the other person feel superior to him, while knowing he's in control of a situation, and he says corny shit on purpose to make it more pronounced. He should sound corny and just a bit unhinged. He says shit like "Exactomundo". I had to physically restrain myself, bc Enjou absolutely would say Exactomundo while watching a man's world crumbling before him, but I didn't want to ruin the tone for the reader.

So, to write Enjou's brand of manipulation you need to first formulate his end-goal, like what is the purpose of this manipulation? I assume you read my fic since you reference me writing enjou stirring shit up, so i'll use it as example of my thought process. One of the examples in my fic, he wants to convince rizzley that Neuvi gave him the title to buy his loyalty. What are the true facts here? Neuvi did fight hard to give rizzley the title, he says it in his own voice lines. What do we need to add? Malicious intent.

Enjou can't say "Your title was a bribe", bc that's a lie. Instead, he starts with "you know what I would do if *I* was the Hydro Sovereign with an ability to take human form? <...>I’d make sure I have people loyal to me in some key positions. Such as Royal Duelist… and the Warden of the Fortress.” It's not a lie, bc if Enjou was a sovereign, he'd probably really do that. On paper, he's talking about himself, but in context of overall conversation it will be obviously extrapolated to Neuvi. This is a form of switching the goal posts from Enjou to Neuvi without outright saying so.

Then, he says true facts:

“He didn’t make me the Warden,” Wriothesley gritted out. 

“No, but he did make you the Duke, didn’t he?” Enjou smirked with a wink. “Our sources say the Court was not thrilled to give the highest noble title to you. And if the Iudex did not throw his own weight behind it, it would have never come to pass. How generous of him.”

It's true, it was actually generous, he doesn't lie. But in context of previous implied accusation, it will be read as sarcastic, as saying it was done with selfish reasons.

And then he reinforces with “Ah, you’re starting to get it, don’t you?”, which is a leading question that again, doesn't say anything false outright.

he should also offer the person hes manipulating to beat him up repeatedly, bc hes a freak.

#rhine talks #enjou #hope this helps! #for the readers at home you can have fun narrowing down what was the main sleight of hand that enjou used #to implicate that neuvi forced focalors to die and give him power back

[cinnamonest]

Yandere twst - Jamil

Taking this as an opportunity to make a post for my boy!!! Similar to the last one I'm going with a "consensual relationship that quickly takes a turn for the worse," I am liking the dynamic >:3 Important note that you should probably read the last one for Kalim prior to this one (I originally intended to release it as one post but ended up dividing it bc both were like 12k+ words lmao), so this one makes several references to the other one.

Previous entries for twst series:

[Kalim]

[Floyd]

//manipulative bastard behavior/moderate yandere, somewhat dark, bullying, mind control, I think there might be implications of fem reader iirc

------------

The first interaction you have with Jamil is only a few brief moments. A conversation in passing, the sort of empty casual exchange that is normally more or less forgotten by both parties before the day is even over.

He's pretty aware of his surroundings at all times, so he sort of saw you walking over out of the corner of his eye, working himself away making food and setting up arrangements and venue as per usual for some function or another that Kalim decided to hold at the last minute on the main campus grounds . Bouncing from one task to the next. But several others have passed by already without a word, so it catches him a bit by surprise when your steps come to a halt, when you speak.

You know, every time I see you, you're always working on something. Don't you ever rest?

Your tone is that sort of endearing, amused way of speaking, but still seems to express a genuine sentiment. You're not exactly spending idle time either -- you have some box or package in your hands, headed somewhere to drop something off. Who knows what compelled you to say something, on this one occasion in particular, to voice the observation you've made quite a few times now. Spontaneous, spur of the moment.  A decision made with casual impulse.

His eyebrows raise, but it doesn't take him more than a moment to formulate a response. A very generic response, one that comes out mechanically, given how often people express similar thoughts to him, tell him he's working too hard, that he deserves a break and all that, things he hears pretty frequently. A randomly chosen option, the first that comes to mind, of a preset list of responses to such inquiries and comments.

A casual sigh, a shrug of the shoulders, followed with a 'well, someone has to get this done, might as well do it myself.' With a pleasant tone and a slight chuckle, of course, as socially expected, that perfect level of exasperation to where he can complain, but just not enough to make it seem like he actually feels burdened. A default exchange like so many others, that he recites his parts of without really thinking about it.

Likewise, you give what he perceives as a typical reply.

If you need any help, I can come back as soon as I get this dropped off...

He just shakes his head.

That's alright. Everything that can be done today is nearly finished anyway.

You shift the box you're carrying, jerking it up with a soft motion to re-secure it in your arms.

Well, alright, if you say so... you can let me know if you ever need any help with anything!

Of course, that in and of itself is also an empty social gesture. So often people say things of the sort -- let me know if you need anything, or I can help if you need, so on and so on, a courtesy expected by arbitrary rules of social etiquette, but not anticipated to be very likely to be actually taken up on the offer. He couldn't even count how many times people have said similar things to him, it's just a matter of social propriety. The exchange melts into the vast collection of perpetual memory, as with every other uneventful moment in one's life, and he doesn't think of it again for the rest of the day.

He's a bit taken aback, then, when you show up the next day. You can see the slight bewilderment on his face when he asks if you need something. Your reply is a bit sheepish, but friendly.

Well, you said 'everything that can get done today' yesterday, so I figured you'd be busy again today too... I don't have anything better to do, and I'm trying to get to know people here, you know? You seem like you could use some help.

Ah. Well, that does make sense. In truth, he values the solitary time he gets to himself, and trying to get to know new people often leaves him rather exhausted. But still, you're a pleasant person, and he would appreciate getting this set-up work for the event tomorrow done faster. He thanks you, pauses for a moment while trying to determine a task to delegate to you. Can't give you something too difficult, seeing as you're generous enough to do this in the first place. You end up performing some menial, repetitive task, simple but necessary, while he does the heavy lifting and more difficult aspects.

It's easy to talk to you, thankfully. You mostly just ask him a bunch of questions about the school, about himself, about Kalim, about the Scarabia dorm, so on and so on. Nothing too intrusive, nothing that's difficult to answer. Truthfully, it's actually kind of nice. He's not particularly used to people expressing a great deal of interest in him, he usually sort of works in the background, quiet, unnoticed, doesn't draw attention to himself. He was a bit weary of the thought of working with someone on this, but he finds that he actually enjoyed the time, once it's over, when you bid him farewell and head back to your own dorm, promising to come by again sometime.

But again, that's a social courtesy. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It would be rather nice, but he won't be too disappointed nor surprised if you don't; after all, you must be very busy meeting tons of people and adjusting to the situation you've found yourself in here. He's not expecting anything.

Since over a week passes, he starts to think it will be just a one-time thing, not thinking much of it. It's a rather pleasant surprise, this time around, when you do show up again. He says it's nice to see you again, even more of those necessary appropriate courtesy things he's supposed to say, although it is meant sincerely. Thanks you for coming by again.

Conversation comes a bit more easily, as you're not really strangers this time around, your exchanges lack that inherent slight awkwardness that comes with interacting with a person you've never spoken to before. This time he can make some conversation based on asking you how your week was, how you're getting adjusted, so on and so on.

You come back a third time, after that, this time only around five days later. Then a fourth time, although that time you take even longer than the time between the first and second visit. He does take notice of that, supposing it to just be a habit of being observant of details like that.

It turns into a habit. You keep coming back, trying to help out. It's an appreciated act of kindness, but... somewhat uncomfortable, too. He's used to having to do quite a lot by himself, or employing the help of random Scarabia students, but even then he's acting more as a director, telling them what to do while working on other tasks himself. He's not as much used to working directly with someone, having someone hand him things and work right alongside him.

Still, it gets the job done faster. And it's nice to have someone to talk to, makes it feel like it's going by faster too. Not to mention, your returning to help him on multiple occasions suggests you have some desire to be around him, since he's fairly certain it's not as if you find manual labor particularly enthralling or anything. That gives him a feeling that is very...

...Unpleasant.

Yes, categorically, it should be considered unpleasant. A tight constriction of the chest, jittery nerves, increased heart rate, a feeling of unease and bashfulness. None of that is particularly positive, and in fact is rather irksome.

But the feeling is somehow, nonetheless, an addictive one, a sort of natural chemical high that, despite the duality of its unpleasantness, still leaves him with that trademark "warm fuzzy feeling" for the rest of the day, well after your departure. The back-and-forth of how good and bad the feeling is, is confusing and frustrating in and of itself. Not to mention the way he gradually increasingly finds his thoughts drifting to you in some way, wondering what you're doing and where you are. The sudden rushing feeling to his chest whenever he happens to spot you. The way he starts to look forward to your coming to visit and help. The surge of excitement when you do come walking through the door, and admittedly, acute disappointment on the days you don't show up.

More importantly, the conclusions to be drawn are frustrating. He's not clueless, quite the opposite. The realization of the sentiments he has for you aren't something he goes into self-denial about, nor does he have to sort through them.

It just sort of dawns on him one day, when you show up a few minutes late to a class you both have -- he finds himself a bit worried for the few minutes of your absence, and similarly a sensation of relief when you come sheepishly slinking through the doorway, quietly trying to enter the room without being noticed or called out for tardiness. Your eyes briefly meet from across the room. You flash a quick smile in his direction before heading to the spot you normally sit in. The slight concern, the relief, the way that one quick second of eye contact and smile from you made his heartrate go up, made a warm tight feeling in his chest... it just sort of occurs to him within that moment. Yes, he's not the sort of person to be in denial or delusion and convince himself he feels any other way, and is quite good at recognizing and fully understanding his own psychology.

...

...

...Ugh.

Not that he doesn't appreciate you or anything, but at first, it's actually something he's not particularly thrilled about, quite frustrated actually.

Firstly, it's inconvenient. For someone as busy and with so many responsibilities as himself, it's not good to have distractions or liabilities. Such things can compromise one's sense of priority, and keep oneself absent-minded, neither of which he can afford.

More importantly, it's a sort of weakness that he doesn't like the thought of having. His calmness and composition throughout most matters is largely dependent on the fact that he tends to operate from a distance, executing plans by proxy or otherwise indirectly. He doesn't approach things very head-on, it's just not his way of doing things. And any matters he conducts are usually professional or academic, rarely having to involve feelings and emotions, particularly in a relational sense to other people. While he's very persuasive, well-liked, and certainly doesn't struggle to socialize or anything, he doesn't really form a lot of very close relationships.

Thus, while would never admit to it, he's sort of lost when it comes to matters of a truly romantic nature, and would be very awkward if he tried to be forward or initiate any sort of display of affection. Thankfully, he's self-aware of that, and isn't about to make a fool of himself doing something stupid and impulsive.

This leads to a sort of stagnation. Yes, he'll do everything in his power to set up the correct circumstances in which he can be around you, will manipulate all sorts of surrounding factors and nearly everyone in your social network, even if that involves countless hours of quietly carrying out plans... he just won't, you know, ever say it outright to you, at least not unless you do first.

After all, even in literature and media, courtship is often compared to some form of game, where the one who cares more and needs the other more is thought of as the weaker, "losing" party. There's an innate sort of vulnerability to transparency in openness to one's emotions, and he's strongly averse to that. Part of it is the innate sensitivity to rejection present in all people, but it's also a matter of control. He likes situations and people and things that give him a firm sense of control, stability, security. People who are easily manipulated, situations that he can easily direct the outcome of... and opening up such a situation would mean relinquishing control of whatever happens next, control of his own emotional state, control over the inherent power imbalance present deep within every social interaction, over to you. Can't do that.

And when that "losing" party makes their desperation and vulnerability known, it turns off the other, bores them, makes them feel the desperate one is disposable and soon treats them as such after losing interest.

Well, some people. If you ask him, the thought of that level of desperation and neediness from a partner is actually quite nice. He can't really wrap his head around why some people would find it irritating or boring when just the thought of it seems like a euphoric fantasy. Since he likes control, a lack thereof, a sense that something is slipping out of his grasp, that he can't easily dictate the actions or results of something, is something he can't stand for.

So, he can't do it. Can't expose that degree of openness, risk rejection.

But that's alright, he can't afford to have that sort of relationship with someone anyway, it would simply interfere with his responsibilities too much. So he determines, at least initially.

The solution to both of these problems, then, is to simply refrain. No interference with his responsibilities, and no need to expose any vulnerability. He's very used to restraining his emotions, refraining from acting upon impulses or desires, however harmless they may be, because responsibility must take priority. Rarely has something consumed his thoughts to such a degree, but still, he can handle it.

Thus, for a while, he might actually avoid you to some extent, thinking it will decrease the chances of attachment. Gets things done in a different location than where you usually find him, works at different times.

But then it seems so boring and empty when he's working alone, when he doesn't have your bright smile there, it feels very... depressing. Likewise, when he sees you again, coming up with some excuse as to why he was absent the day before or so (did you come looking for him and he wasn't there? Were you disappointed? The thought of that is satisfying on its own...), the discontentment goes right back to feeling everything is alright and well with the world, and it's a feeling he just can't give up.

He quickly realizes it seems pointless to continuously resist. If he can't rid himself of it, he might as well try to work with it, adapt to the best of his ability. That seems like the only logical conclusion. Keep you close, but not too close, and to avoid exposing any affections beyond very simple appreciation for your help and presence, at least until he has full security that he can afford to do otherwise.

He doesn't initiate it, but gladly welcomes it when you start to seek him out elsewhere. You learn you have the same lunch period during most of the week, and a few electives together. You don't always talk to or sit next to him, but you sort of rotate between your friends, so he gets to interact with you some of the time.

The other times, though, you opt to talk to others instead. Turns out you're getting along quite well with several people on campus since you showed up here. He just sort of waits at the beginning of the class to see whether or not you'll come to him, or if you go to someone else.

If it's the former, he's certainly happy about it, perhaps almost a bit relieved that that was your choice. You would never get the impression it was what he was hoping for, though, he ensures that. Refrains from looking up when you enter a room, stares blankly down at a paper or textbook on the desk, as if not paying attention, giving no semblance of caring either way, merely watching you from the corner of his eye, and pretending to only notice your presence the moment you sit down.

Whenever it's the latter, he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel an increasingly sharp sense of disappointment. Perhaps a bit of irritation. A strange, gnawing feeling in his stomach, a tightness to his chest. Very opposing feelings, ones that he soon realizes linger with him the entire day. If you choose to talk to him, the rest of his day feels great, and if not, he finds himself a bit disgruntled for the rest of the day. It feels embarrassing for something so simple to be affecting him to such an extent, but he can't control the emotional aspect.

That begins to create a greater concern.

A bit of worry that this initially unwelcome sentiment of affection is starting to create some other, more problematic feelings. Ones that feel harder to handle.

It's more of a subconscious worry, at first, a faint uneasiness that largely rests at the back of his mind. The full extent of the realization comes as a sudden occurrence, one day, when you don't show up at the end of the day for the first time in a while, seeing as you've started coming by to help him out on a daily basis now.

He's a bit disappointed, sure. But it's no big deal, it's not as if you ever agreed to come every day or anything, you're certainly under no obligation to do so, it's incredibly generous for you to come at all in the first place.

...You could have said something, though, you know.

It's not as if you don't see him throughout the day in passing, in class. It's completely voluntary to begin with, so of course it's not necessary for you to tell him if you're coming or not, nor does he take it as a rudeness that you didn't, it's just... you could have. It would have been appreciated. After all, now he has to wonder where you are, which leads him to contemplate the very small possibility that something might be wrong, which causes unnecessary worry that he could have been spared had you just bothered to stop him for a second, or send a message with a single sentence since you exchanged numbers a while back, neither of which would have taken very long... but that's a selfish mentality, so he tells himself. Obviously you must be spending time with other people doing other things, like anyone does, which you have every right to do.

He can't help but wonder with whom, though. A few people come to mind, he mentally goes down the list of people he sees you with most frequently and at what time of day he sees you with each one...

Which is something he only now realizes he's subconsciously been keeping track of. But that's force of habit, he has to be observant like that... okay, no, it's not, it's definitely more than that, he can't lie to himself. The force of habit does contribute, but nonetheless.

Still, if he runs down the list, given the time of day and day of the week, he can come up with one most likely possibility, and a couple lesser possibilities, as to your current location, company, and activity. The fair degree of certainty is reassuring.

But there's still a knot in his stomach the more he thinks about it. His hands keep working, but his mind is playing imagery and words in his imagination, things you might be talking about and saying and doing and what others might be saying back to you and it's a very, very, very awful feeling.

Soon enough, he's forced to snap back to awareness when he realizes the task he was working on is done while his mind was elsewhere, and nearly an hour has passed. He should probably go home and get started on food for the evening.

It's not the direction his feet take him in, though.

It can't hurt to check just for a second. Besides, it's only like a five minute detour, so he might as well. Just a brisk walk through a few halls, down a few doors, just barely peeking over a door window to ensure he remains unseen.

Sure enough, he was right. You're just sitting around and talking. He makes a quick mental note of the other individuals in the room, tries to listen in for a moment before realizing it's (unfortunately) too muffled to be clearly heard, then turns around and goes home.

And ends up sitting on the edge of the bed, elbow to each thigh and head resting on each respective hand, staring at the wall, running through the events of the past hour and a half, fully realizing the significance of how unusual and intense his behavior was. He was aware of it even in the moment, sure, but the momentary impulse overrode any sense of reason. It's a mistake he tells himself not to make again.

But he knows the feeling is increasing. The intensity is getting worse and worse with each passing day. While he's careful not to be careless about it, he finds himself making a habit of checking on you on the days you don't come around to see him. The fact that there even are such days, seeing you with other people doing something else, starts to upset him more and more, to the extent he starts thinking about it at random throughout the day. Each occurrence of such thoughts striking him with a feeling of bitterness that makes him clench his jaw, curl his hands into fists, even respond more bluntly than he normally would to other people when approached -- he even overheard, on one such occasion, after giving a frustrated what? to someone that approached him, the same student remarking to someone else that the vice housewarden has been in a really poor mood lately, to which the other seemed to agree.

The potential consequences of it all does worry him. But his response to these emotions, and understanding of them, isn't quite what you might expect.

Unlike almost anyone else would be, he's not concerned or confused by the acknowledgement of the fact that he has abnormally intense, compulsive, obsessive attachment. He's not really alarmed by realizing what's happening.

See, most people go through a reckoning phase, having to do with their self-image. Most see themselves as a good person, and struggle to come to terms with their actions and thoughts — ultimately either coming to terms with the wrongness of what they want, or deluding themselves.

But Jamil is no stranger to having nefarious urges, nor does he have any real issues with acceptance of the reality of his desires. But more importantly, part of what makes him such a force to be reckoned with, and gives him such frightening potential for success as an obsessive, is a lack of any compulsion to prescribe to conventional morality, nor any feeling of need to justify his own actions. He's fully aware that the ideas in his head and urges in his thoughts are "wrong," there's no period of self-bargaining or attempting to rationalize or justify anything to himself, no attempts at self-delusion. He's just perfectly fine with accepting that he wants to do things considered immoral.

In fact, completely unlike Kalim, he's almost unnervingly self-aware. There may have been a bit of confusion, or very brief attempts to justify his actions to himself in the beginning, but after the initial realizations take place, he becomes acutely and immediately aware of every thought, every action.

He wouldn't think of himself as a bad person, but unlike most people, he doesn't think of himself as a particularly good person either. In fact, he finds the thought of people who believe themselves to be fully good to be rather exasperating and foolish. Do people really believe themselves to be innately good, that they won't act on selfish desires? He's never understood that.

It's not at all uncommon, nor is he any stranger to strong sentiments. Everyone has heard of such a thing before. It's common enough that you often hear advice of obsessive lovers being something to be avoided, meaning that while it's viewed negatively, the frequency of its occurrence indicates that it's not particularly abnormal. One could even argue it's innate in some people, some leftover instinct from more primitive days of the human species. There's plenty of cases of it in media, in the news, accounts you see from people who were subject to such a thing,  and even plenty of cases in folklore. They say the great Sorcerer himself used to be fond enough of a princess to try and kill someone over her, or something like that.

It ties into his own self-perception too, his honesty to himself about his personhood. Someone who would develop such urges and feelings... yeah, he can see that happening to him. At first, it actually doesn't seem to make sense, but the more he thinks about it, the more it does make sense, after a long while of contemplating it almost amusingly, as if he's a third party analyzing someone else, and not himself. It checks out, he supposes. Irksome and inconvenient that that would develop in him, but there's no use trying to fight those kinds of urges when, based on his own observations and accounts of such things, the people who tend to have such tendencies always seem to have it in such a way that is clearly an innate part of their psychology, thus pointless to avoid, and better dealt with by adapting and adjusting. Oh well.

Those sorts of cases frequently end poorly for the individual in question, but those are normal people, with normal levels of control and cunning. By contrast, he knows himself well enough to know he has high restraint and inhibition, so the risk of acting out and drawing attention is near nonexistent, and he's patient and calculated enough that he's fairly certain he can act out the ideas he begins to have without risk of consequence.

Because there would be negative consequence, he's sure of that. The extent and intensity of his emotions is at a point that it could be considered erratic or obsessive, as he already knows full well, and would cause alarm if you or anyone else became aware of it. Even if, say, you were to return the feelings to a normal extent, even if you like him, he still has no doubt that the full intensity of what he is capable of, the malicious and unethical nature of many of the urges themselves, would almost certainly cause you to change your mind. So even if you respond positively, he has to keep that in check.

But acknowledging the potential consequences of acting out of line aside, he's surprisingly very unbothered it, for someone who is coming to the realization that they have feelings and urge for behaviors that go beyond the conventions of normalcy or what is considered "heathy." The latter of which he just rolls his eyes at; he's always been convinced that most people condemning emotions as "unhealthy" are really just trying to get people to conform to social norms -- hey, if he wants to let himself be slowly consumed by resentment over the course of his entire life, that's his business, you know? Same thing applies here. Abiding by the cultural norms and social expectations of a "healthy relationship" and "being ethical" is just a roundabout way of stopping him from doing what he wants and won't get him the results he desires, so no need to even try to listen to such nonsense.

Alongside all of that, he has remarkable persuasion skills, can lie and act very convincingly if needed.  Difficult to catch off-guard, has planned out interactions and alternate paths to take in case one avenue doesn't work out. Always prepared for almost anything that could go wrong. He's patient, cunning, intelligent, perceptive... all traits you do not want in someone with his intentions. He's fairly good at concealing emotions as well -- sure, sometimes a bit of it may slip out here and there, but he's still infinitely better at it than the vast majority of people.

All of this combined — lack of concern for ethics, high self-awareness, fairly high ability to mask his emotions, unhesitating acceptance of the realization of forming an obsession, high intelligence and perceptiveness, great patience, and high impulse control in favor of cunning premeditation — makes him an unusually highly effective obsessive with an almost alarming capacity for harm and success. One of the most unfortunate individuals in the establishment you could end up catching the affections of, in terms of your chances of things ending well for you.

Not that there aren't a few moments where it slips through, just the occasional word or gesture. He's still better than virtually anyone else at concealing emotions, but nonetheless, those emotions are the ones that may just come out, if but for a moment.

You end up missing a few more days of helping him in a row. Friends invited you out to a couple of events. You didn't really think anything of it, at least, not until you come back to your usual routine, on what would have been the fourth day of absence if you hadn't come.

He's already not the most talkative person in the world, but you quickly notice an unusual curtness to his tone. Usually, if you sit down and open with a how was your day?, he'll shrug, say nothing eventful occurred, or make a small mention of something that happened if something eventful did occur.

This time, though, you get a much more brief answer. It was fine.

The tone of his voice is clearly cold, almost passive-aggressive. You tilt your head and ask if something happened, if something's wrong. You get a similarly curt answer.

No.

But as he tends to do with regards to his own behavior, he catches himself, realizes how it comes off. For a brief moment, the realization is actually a bit embarrassing -- he knows getting bitter over such a thing is immature behavior. So he corrects it, shakes his head as if clearing his thoughts, comes up with something about being momentarily distracted and answering on a mental autopilot so as to seem that he was just not paying attention, and asks you to repeat the question, this time forcing out a regular calm demeanor as if not upset.

This, the initial disgruntlement goes more or less unregistered in your memory. You do notice, though, as you continue talking, that he asks more than once about how your week has been -- you answer with a general statement that it's been good and just regular life, nothing out of the ordinary, but apparently that answer isn't quite sufficient.

And what have you been doing these past few days?

He nearly bites his tongue as soon as he says it. That came out a bit more forward and obvious than it sounded in his head. Thankfully, a quick glance upward from his task shows no indication of perturbance on your end, as you merely smile and answer in full, giving a few details of what you've been up to. Hanging out with friends, primarily. He has to refrain from asking specifically whom, seeing as at that point, further questioning on the matter would probably even strike you as oddly intrusive. He'll just have to leave it at that.

Likewise, he'll have to accept you doing whatever you want with your spare time. Any indication that he feels any other way or trying to influence your decision would certainly be noticed, and perceived as strange. It's not like he's entitled to your time... that is, from the perspective of general social consensus. He knows that reasonably, from an objective standpoint, he isn't entitled to that. Even if he might personally feel that way.

He does seem distracted, throughout the rest of the day, has to get you to repeat yourself a few times after seemingly spacing out. But he's always rather busy and under a lot of stress, you have no reason to think anything of it.

He truly does do a good job of concealing his thoughts and feelings. Most obsessive admirers would have long since cracked and shown their true colors by now, as the months go by. His is just tiny little slip-ups, every now and then, much like the first one. Primarily a slight coldness and bitterness to his demeanor whenever you go a significant amount of days without coming by. It only lasts for a few moments before he corrects it, but you do occasionally start to take notice of it. Still, that doesn't seem too out of the ordinary. You're friends, so you can understand he'd be a bit upset, when you think about it, and he's under a lot of stress anyway. Much to his satisfaction, you actually seem to take notice and correct the behavior all on your own, as you gradually stop having significant gaps in days between seeing him, and even on days you aren't coming, you now usually send a message.

There was also that time you stayed in for the day due to feeling sick, and woke up after a long sickness-induced nap to four back-to-back messages, one every hour or so from the time class sessions start, increasingly concerned by your lack of reply. Which is perhaps a bit much, but the messages abruptly stop around noon, as if realizing it was a bit too intense and backing down. But in all fairness, it's only natural to be concerned, so you appreciate it, if anything.

Then there was also the time you had that one guy that kept seeming to try to get close to you for a while, someone you'd worked with in one of your classes once and got along well with. The two of them had never interacted to your knowledge, until you were talking one day and another familiar face came up seemingly out of nowhere. Rather forcefully intruding on the conversation with an uncharacteristic bluntness and coldness, and a near tangible aura of hostility, a glare distinguishable even to you.

Yes, it was definitely too forward, and certainly both the most impulsive act and the largest blunder he's made so far, but it was borderline torture standing there up on the second floor, watching from the window, unable to do anything. He manages to at least somewhat defend himself, and hopefully quell any irritation or confusion you might have had, by telling you later in private that the individual in question is in fact known to be of poor character, manipulative and two-faced, so people say, and was probably intending to take advantage of your kind nature. You seem to accept that, much to his relief, and even express some gratitude. Unfortunately, though, he won't be able to use that excuse again without seeming suspicious, so he just has to hope you don't start to get close to someone with obviously non-platonic intentions again.

Still. It's not as if he can just take the risk, nor does he think that a simple intimidating interaction will deter the other guy entirely. Other measures must be taken.

To you, though, it's just a confirmation that Jamil was right, once the guy gets expelled. Apparently he attacked someone at random, became violent with a group of students and apparently injured one to such an extent that the administration didn't even just give him a strike, but viewed it as grounds for immediate expulsion. You mention it, when you're visiting Jamil as usual later that day, with concern and shock over the incident in your voice as you ask if he heard about it.

He just shrugs. See, told you... ah, but it's not your fault you didn't realize it. Some people are just very good at concealing their true natures, you know? But it's good that you distanced yourself from the guy before anything bad happened to you. You voice your concurrence with that statement.

And yet, after that guy disappears, so does Jamil, at least during those same time blocks. He goes back to not being around during that time, leaving you to find new people to talk to during that time instead. After all, he doesn't want to come across as clingy. Settling for returning to the window position allows for greater scope of observation, anyway.

Jamil engages in a great deal of his fixation from a distance, with you unaware of his presence. He won't necessarily come up and talk to you, but he'll watch you from across a room, from a window looking down on you below, from a shadow a ways away from the crowds and groups you're busy interacting with. He doesn't have to worry about unintentionally being suffocating, this way, while still knowing what you're doing. It's actually a process that often makes him upset, an irritating swelling feeling to his chest, because people like you far more than he would prefer, and now he's forced to watch. Not that he would want people to dislike you either, that would probably hurt your self-esteem and... ah, whatever. It's just irksome to see people gather around you so much. It would be preferable if your presence wasn't treated as something of a spectacle on the campus, but there's nothing he can do about that.

He's even more careful not to make mistakes and show affection than he is careful about negative emotions, but that doesn't mean positive emotions don't also sometimes show as well.

You're far too nice to him, for one thing. You just have to go on these spiels about how much you appreciate his help with various things, or when he thanks you for helping you just have to smile so sweetly and say you enjoy it, that you're glad you get to come by and all... it's one of a few ways to make him genuinely flustered, unable to look you in the eye, all stiff and fidgety as he mumbles something about how it's appreciated, and that you don't have to feel pressured to and whatnot. You have a tendency to say too-nice things that leave him feeling all hot in the face and embarrassed for the rest of the day. Just like the initial feeling of attachment itself, it's almost unpleasant in its own way, and yet, it's addictive.

You still just barely notice the slip-ups, if at all. Those times where he maybe gets just a bit too close, talks to you for a bit too long, seems a little bit too nosy asking what you've done today or prying for details on a conversation you had with someone else -- before he catches himself, correcting the mistake by switching topics or coming up with a reason to leave so as not to linger too long. Can't give you the impression that he wants to stay around you for much longer, can't come off as desperate or vulnerable.

Little things like that. Mostly tiny little mistakes, and besides, he's increasingly even more careful not to make such errors, often getting a bit panicked after each one and becoming stricter in the future. None of it ever crosses the line of what would really catch your attention as something abnormal or something that would induce any concern.

It carries on for some time like that. His self-control allows him to maintain a state of limbo, where he can keep himself in check, not doing anything he shouldn't nor making any move to take anything further, but ensuring you stay close, that you don't drift away. Making sure there are no more issues with people becoming too close to you in ways he doesn't like.

But much to his satisfaction, you seem to grow closer anyway, without him having to take any sort of action to do so. You come by more than ever, and he likes the implications of the fact that you come to see him so often.

He tends to be a bit more open to sharing thoughts and observations normally kept reserved to you, too, as he grows more comfortable talking to you. A bit more openly negative and sardonic. It's not even intentional, really, it happens subconsciously at first. He's just never had an outlet before, and once he does, it becomes such a source of catharsis that one day, after making a slightly negative comment, to which you inquire about the matter, he finds himself starting to perhaps say a bit too much. Unloading all of his frustrations and bottled up negativity. Initially, he catches himself doing it and cuts himself off after a few moments, starting to apologize and saying something about being irritable as he didn't sleep much the night before or something like that.

But you shake your head.

Oh, come on, it's fine. You don't have to pretend around me, you know?

He pauses for a moment... but shrugs, starts to return to voicing the same thoughts. He still won't fully express his feelings, then, but if you're fine with it... it can't hurt to talk about some of his frustrations and complaints. If anything, you seem to find some of the comments amusing, snickering at some of the more sarcastic mutterings. It actually feels quite nice. It's something he hasn't ever really had before, usually having to keep all his negative thoughts to himself. In the end, you end up unwinding too, complaining about this or that. A cathartic session for you both, and you end up sharing a few smiles and laughs over some of each other's accounts and shared annoyances.

It would seem, though, that his efforts to grow closer to you do pay off. It's pleasing. It feels like it's "going somewhere," so to speak, that all the conversations have progressed to being closer and closer; which is, of course, what he would hope for.

Eventually, he figures it can't hurt to try and push for some progress himself. Yes, perhaps he can afford to try and make some small push forward, little by little. He takes the same approach as he does to most matters -- quietly, patiently, avoiding risky, bold, reckless actions in favor of a gradual and calculated plan.

What he decides on doing does require him to take some initiative and ask, although he chose a group event rather than anything you'd be by yourselves for. Just one of the many large dorm-wide social events they have in Scarabia on a regular basis, although this one in particular is supposed to be for something special or another. You agree to it, with a smile at that. It's very reassuring.

Except it turns out that that presents a brand new problem.

Well, part of a larger problem. As he's observed, you've been mingling with different people, forming a friend group during your time on the campus. He would know, he's been watching very carefully and making note of each person, and may or may not have interfered once or twice behind the scenes to prevent you from interacting with individuals he would prefer you not to.

One, however, has not only slipped through any attempts to deter interaction, but apparently has avoided registering on his radar of who you interact with entirely. The only conclusion is that you must have had all your interactions during those times where he can't watch over you. Just perfectly, by the narrowest of margins, managing to grow close to each other, somehow exclusively during those few times he's had his back turned and off fulfilling some other responsibilities, completely unbeknownst to him until this very moment.

Or so he learns, when you arrive, smile when you see him, immediately making your way over to him to talk... until something else catches your attention, something behind him. Your eyes flicker to something just over his shoulder, something he can hear approaching with rapid footsteps and saying your name. Something that quickly swerves around him in favor of lunging at you and grabbing you into an enthusiastic embrace.

...What.

It feels like some sort of cruel joke from a higher power. Like the will of the universe is to spite him. Like being a comedic relief character where the running gag is his constant misfortune. He finds himself standing there, arms limp at his sides, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, eye twitching as he looks back and forth between the two of you.

But... but how did... when did you... you never mentioned... why...

You're clearly overwhelmed, though, you have that awkward smile where you're clearly uncomfortable but don't say anything to be nice... so after a moment of pause (as soon as he finishes mentally cursing his very existence to whatever force of the universe is listening, that is), he doesn't hesitate to reach out, grab and pull the invasive creature off of you by the shirt collar.

Kalim, you're being suffocating.

Not that those words deter the other boy for even a second. Other than a brief choking sound at sudden jerking motion pulling the front of his clothes against his throat, he immediately recovers, bright-eyed as he gets out an apology, smiling all the while, and continues rambling about something else, until being interrupted.

I didn't realize you two even knew each other.

It takes every ounce of his willpower to force those words out in a way that sounds neutral and curious rather than like he's about to strangle him to death, but he manages. You smile and start to clarify that oh, yes, you have this or that class together and have talked a few times... which just so happens to take place during the longest stretch of the day that he has to go without seeing you, which he frequently worries about. How incredibly coincidental. Haha. Anyway, if you'll excuse him for just one second, he has to go check on something to ensure that the students have everything ready--

--which is actually him walking off to the nearest secluded spot and slamming his fist into the wall with all the force he can muster without breaking his fingers. Takes a deep breath in, deep breath out. Okay. That was cathartic enough to hopefully get him through the night with minimal homicidal urges.

Kalim seems absolutely determined to test that, however. You would think he was the one who invited you here, given the fact that he seems dead-set on monopolizing your time and attention in every conceivable way. He can barely get a word in, can barely say anything to you for a few seconds without getting interrupted. At several points throughout the night you quite literally get dragged away by the wrist to go look at something or participate in something, while he sits there left with nothing to do but seethe over it, trying to distract himself by taking in all the stimulus of the crowded lounge, lest the violent urges start getting the best of him because he's about arm's length away from several very sharp objects on the table and it's starting to get a bit too tempting. By the time midnight rolls around, he's barely gotten to spend any time with you at all. He's pretty sure you've actually been trying to keep coming back and talk to him, but keep getting dragged off and are too nice to say anything about it.

Normally, he's masterful at keeping his outward emotional expressions in check. But for once, he finds himself so deeply upset, such a tight feeling in his chest, that he can't sit there and bear it with a blank face like he normally does with everything else. He ends up having to walk away, quietly slipping away to go walk it off to sulk and seethe alone.

The campus is fairly empty this late, so it's easy to get some fresh air by oneself as he mulls over it. Even though he's by himself, he sighs, has to stop and pinch at and rub the bridge of his nose in irritation. Getting this worked up over a crush, what is he, a grade schooler? It's embarrassing, even if he's the only one who knows. Even having what would be called a "crush" is embarrassing, really, it feels infantile. It seems like something that would be laughable if other people caught onto it. Ugh.

He keeps walking, until he's out of the dorm, slowly moping his way across the campus, long since gone quiet and still due to the lateness of the hour, no one else around. Makes his way over to a bench in an empty campus building.

Finally he gets to just sit down, takes a deep breath in, deep breath out, tries to relax the tension in his shoulders, tries to calm down. Mentally forces himself to clear his thoughts, leaving a blank slate so he can transition to thinking about something else to hopefully take his mind off things, and just allows the first thought that pops up to come to the forefront of his mind. Unfortunately, that thought is:

Which one do you like more?

Dammit. Can't clear his mind after all.

And God, that feels childish. Like how young kids quarrel over who is the best friend of someone else. Just thinking about it feels embarrassing, even if the thought is just to himself.

But it does seem like question that has an answer. After all, when he thinks about it, he can form a pretty solid ranking in his head of acquaintances, and which ones he's more fond of than others. Surely you have the same.

No, that's a stupid question. Obviously it would be him.

...Right?

Yes, it's a ridiculous question because it's obvious. You spend more time with him, you know him far better... it's a foolish question, he shouldn't even be worried.

Still, he can't get rid of the gnawing, unpleasant feeling in his chest, it's eating away at him, driving him up the wall. It takes a while before he can bring himself to go back.

By the time he does so, though, it's fairly late into the night, you're clearly exhausted (no doubt largely due to having your energy essentially siphoned out of you), you speak in that sort of "departure" tone as people do when they're indicating the end of a visit as you say that well, I should be getting back...

Maybe it's the heat of the moment, the lateness of the night drawing out impulsiveness, the possessive irritation and intense emotions, perhaps some need to feel reassurance, some sense of reclaiming something, that emboldens him. Maybe he's still just irked about not having gotten to spend any real time with you. Or maybe his earlier crisis has left him with a desperate need for confirmation. Regardless, for once, his impulse wins over his inhibition, over any self-control. He finds the words coming out without thinking.

It's rather late. You could just stay with me, if you want.

He stiffens as soon as the words come out of his mouth.

It's not as if you're that naive. It would be one thing if he said there was a spare room or something, but directly telling you you can stay in his own room has very obvious implications that he definitely can't excuse his way out of, and he's fairly certain you're definitely not at that point, at least not yet, and his skin crawls at the realization that saying that most likely just ruined any chances of ever reaching that if anything. All that effort, all this time and careful planning, and he may have very well knocked all that down in one sentence.

He starts to try and back out of it, heartrate going up with a moment of panic, opening his mouth and getting out a brief stammering attempt — ah, nevermind, if you don't—

Okay!

There's a few moments of quiet. Blinking at you with a numb expression before seemingly processing your words. You've never seen him undergo quite such a loss of composure within a second, eyes going wide open and stumbling over his words.

I... Well, a... alright. Then, you... I'll, ah, it's over there...

But it's endearing, really. You find yourself smiling while you walk back. He keeps talking about something else entirely, as if to distract you both from any acknowledgement of the exchange that just occurred. At least he manages to successfully distract you into looking at something off in the distance once you reach the room so you don't see the slight tremor to his hands getting the door unlocked and open.

The night lasts a long time. You can still hear the muffled sound of the noise going on outside as the other students continue to do whatever it is they're all doing (some collective game or another, being far too loud), but you manage to talk at least loud enough to hear yourselves over them... and continue to talk... and sit down... and then you lay down... and then you're both side by side... and then your legs brush up against each other... and then there's a few awkward moments of silence...

You do like him quite a bit, so, you're fine with it. He doesn't flinch or pull back when you lean over onto him, doesn't shift when you pull yourself closer, instead wrapping an arm around you. One thing leads to another, as such matters tend to go over. It's awkward at first, of course, like most friend-to-lover situations are -- once the heat of the moment is over, you're left panting and sweaty and you both sort of look up at the same moment and your eyes meet. A few seconds of silence pass. For such a composed person, you've never seen him quite so flustered... but it's cute. You find yourself grinning and giggling and reveling in the ecstasy.

You're happy about it. You get the sense he's happy about it too. You fall asleep pretty quickly, enveloped by warmth.

And he is happy. Truly. It doesn't even feel real.

But he's also very, very worried. Panicked. It begins to set in before he can even properly appreciate the bliss of the moment.

Even if you are willingly with him, even if you love him, that almost makes things worse, because now he has to work with the fact that the social expectation is to increase time with you and that he can be more openly attached, but still have to be careful not to go too far. Not to mention, this makes things more fragile. Riskier. Doesn't it? You're going to be more observant. It will be harder to hide certain behaviors from you. You'll be more careful and critical of what he does as a natural means of protecting yourself, you'll notice any slips of the tongue he might have gotten away with before.

Besides, this part is just one step of many, so he can't afford to relax. He thinks back to that same concept as before, that the social interworkings of all this sort of thing is like a game, a competition. If he lets his guard down and assumes everything is fine now, that just opens the possibility of being caught unprepared if something bad does happen. No, now he has to be even more vigilant and even more protective than before, and more careful of limits.

Nor are said expectations and their limits always clear. Where does the line of acceptable behavior get drawn? Does it not vary from person to person, from one act to the next? He can't afford to find out by trial and error, either, that's too risky.

For a short while, he contemplates if maybe he could get away with just one or two small abnormalities. After all, everyone has flaws, and people expect that partners will have flaws. Can he outright tell you to not interact with a specific person? Is that normal? No, that would definitely be seen as controlling. There's definitely some things he can determine by thinking it through like that, but that doesn't apply to every situation, which is the greatest concern.

And perhaps more importantly, it makes everything feel harder to deal with. It was easier when he had to refrain entirely. Now, it's one of those situations where having a taste of something makes one all that much more weak to craving for it, makes it all that much more alluring than when you had no concept of what the experience was truly like before.

At least his nerves are calmed by the fact that you spend more time in his presence. He doesn't have to deal with intrusive thoughts of concern about what you're doing and if something could be wrong at any given moment.

Perhaps most relieving of all is that other people seem to back off to a greater extent than they already did. You must have told people.

Well, most people. Most people back off, seem to respect him enough to give you two a bit of space while still being friendly towards you both. Don't get too physically close when talking to you, and certainly don't touch you.

Except for one.

The only upside to you being so close to Kalim is that, by extension, you see him more often than you would have just him on his own, as the two are often together. Granted, you're obviously spending more time with him anyway, but now that he's with you more often, that means he gets to witness you two interact, and on the rare occasion you were seeking out Kalim for something, he's usually there too.

You two get along very well. Which he's very frequently forced to bear witness to for the entire duration of your interactions, quietly sitting there with a clenched jaw and fingernails digging into his thighs and the occasional eye twitch that hopefully goes unnoticed. At the same time, that's comforting in its own way, as he can directly witness it rather than have to be psychologically tormented by knowing you two interact but not knowing the details and specifics.

But unlike how Jamil himself would give plenty of space to Kalim and a darling, Kalim does not do the same for him. He's still talkative with you, and touchy too. Far too much for the sake of sanity. He constantly grabs at you, hugs you when he sees you (for several extended seconds, not just for a moment), gets far too close into your personal space when talking. On more than one occasion, he's insisted on trailing along with you two for this or that venture, being an oblivious third wheel — which is made far worse by the fact that you don't seem to mind at all, paying them both equal amounts of attention.

At first, he tries to apply some reason to it. Maybe he thinks it's fine since the two of them are inherently close. Maybe he doesn't realize just how intense he is, or doesn't think he's passing the boundaries of what's considered acceptable. Or...

...And then he realizes that that's giving Kalim's intellect way too much credit. No, it's just how he is, nothing more. He's just outright not thinking about it.

This can become an issue, to say the least. Over time, he does his best to try and avoid you both coming into contact, tries to memorize schedules and give Kalim a wide berth to ensure minimal contact. Nonetheless, of course, it doesn't always work. He finds himself grinding his teeth, stiffening up as he watches you two interact. A person with less self-control would have certainly put the boy in a chokehold at least once by now, but he manages to bite his tongue. Can't just let him have this one thing in peace? Have something to himself? No, of course not, of course he has to be the one to suffer like this... despite the thoughts in his head, he has to be careful not to let that pessimism show in any form of outward bitterness, has to keep a neutral face and mildly exasperated voice at best, pretending any frustration towards the other is due to his high energy and antics and not the fact that just watching you two talk ignites violent instincts he didn't even know he possessed. But there's not much else he can do other than tolerate it.

Besides, it's not as if that's the only person he has to worry about either. Now that you're actually attached to him, he has to ensure that you stay that way, seeing as plenty of people would gladly take his place. But rather than just dealing with others, part of keeping you means making sure you're attached to him.

Unfortunately for you, this does not manifest as exceptional kindness towards you, nor trying to please you, or anything of the sort.

Sure, he could be sweet to you, shower you with affection and attention and gifts and so on... but that is a form of "losing." Making it too obvious that he needs you. There's a chance you'd get bored. After all, why take the "wholesome" way, when that isn't guaranteed? Especially when what is so often deemed the wrong way of doing things, has a guarantee to work. Frankly, that way has a higher success rate, so he sees no reason not to take it.

He has plenty of subtle, conniving means of prying into your mind without you really noticing it's intentional. You, well, you're incredibly easy to manipulate -- and that's a good thing. He likes it that way. Every single trick in the book, you respond perfectly.

It's fairly easy to discern any insecurities you have, some he was already aware of and some that become more evident as you become more emotionally open around him. So he can pick some nice words and compliments that are just a little bit backhanded, have the slightest of implication of a double-meaning shortcoming or insult laden in them, you visibly seem to notice, and sure enough, it's only a matter of time before you express some insecurity over the the thing in question -- and he's right there to assure you that it's entirely fine, or even appreciated... the unspoken implication being that yes, the thing you're insecure about is true, but he likes it. Worded in just the right way so that you won't feel like it's intentional, no, you're sure he had the best of intentions and meant to make you feel good, but it just came out the wrong way, or you're just being too sensitive, or he's just being how guys can be where they're a bit obtuse to how their words might not be as helpful as they intend. He's clearly trying to make you feel happy, right? You appreciate that in its own right.

Besides, it's easy to reassure you with physical affections, too. That becomes another frequent element of your day to day life... he's a fairly restrained person in public, and much prefers being alone and behind closed doors rather than being together while around others. Besides, even if not just for getting to interact more directly with you, being alone in the dorm means being able to relax and unwind... and get out any stress.  Which he has a great deal of -- you can't even begin to imagine the level of stress this boy has pent up, given the hectic nature of his daily life.

He's not particularly "kinky," per se, not really into any particular paraphilias or extreme forms of bondage or use of much tools, so much as he is simply rough. He tends to grab rather hard. Likes holding you down the whole time in some way, restraining some part of you with his own hands, often pinning your forearms down or grabbing the underside of your knees and pressing your thighs against your chest with force. His hand often ends up on your throat. He has a tendency to be rather harsh with it overall, merely rutting into you with animal-like forcefulness, leaving you exhausted and sore... although he at least seems to get flustered about it after the fact, mumbling apologies and getting you water, holding you close and all that.

You do notice some of the more... aggressive elements of the his sexuality, but it doesn't concern you. It's fairly common for someone of his age and sex and all that, and besides, it's normal for people's sexual tendencies to be non-reflective of their character otherwise. You have no reason to think of it as anything worth noting, and no negative thoughts cross your mind, other than the soreness and the tendency for bruising. If anything, the whole "gap moe" between the roughness in the heat of the moment and his usual collectedness versus the sheepishness afterwards is rather cute, really, that that's the one thing that such a normally composed person as himself can get easily embarrassed by. It reaches a point where you're more or less used as some kind of stress toy... but you don't mind at all. It does make you feel loved, which is also a critical part of the intent.

But outside of direct expressions of affection, he ensures he's very subtle in his ways. Being outwardly nosy would just irritate you.

Sure, he wonders what you're looking at whenever you stare at your phone screen, but doesn't fall for the urge to lean over and look, you'd probably find that annoying. He just waits until you go to sleep to look through it, checking the times of certain messages being sent, scrolling through conversations each night until reaching the point of the last time he checked, occasionally taking screenshots and sending them to himself before going back and deleting both the messages on your end and the photos themselves.

Likewise, he doesn't linger around when you're talking on the phone trying to have a private conversation or the like, no, he just quietly gets his own phone out, opens the audio recording app, and leaves it in the room while he goes off to do something else, plays it back later when you're not around. He doesn't ask who certain people are and why you interact with them, instead opting to do some digging on his own time, seeing as there's plenty of online information on nearly everyone, or simply networks his way around into finding out more about a certain person.

All very carefully ensuring you don't perceive any clinginess, any obsessiveness or possessiveness. Nothing that would annoy you or turn you off. He manages to never really appear very bothered or curious about anything, and never exhibits any behavior that would ever lead you to even consider the possibility of what is actually happening in reality. You would never think of him as anything but a very healthy partner — in fact, more so than the average person, he doesn't exhibit any of the controlling or intrusive behaviors you hear people complain about in their own partners. You think of him as an exemplary one.

But nonetheless, every now and then, as time goes on, he starts to just barely get this sense that he's too close to reaching a point where things become unbalanced against him. That whole concept he was worried about, where you might feel like he needs you more than you need him -- and while he's fairly certain that's true, he can't have you sensing it. Yes, he's sure you're starting to get bored, to get complacent, and soon you'll probably want something new and more exciting. The fact that he's essentially surrounded by an ocean of competition doesn't help his nerves. He's practically like some poor animal trying to protect its kill from a horde of other predators that would gladly steal it from him the moment he looks away for so much as a second.

But if he's outwardly worried, insecure about it, comes across as desperate or needy, that will only turn you off to him.

So he takes an entirely different approach.

Suddenly, you find that he seems to be oddly absent. You've developed a habit of walking to certain classes together, but suddenly he stops showing up to the regular spot where you meet up. Disappears and is nowhere to be found during your lunch periods. Doesn't send as many texts. When you do see him, he seems absent-minded or distracted, not spending more than a small amount of time before apologizing and claiming to have something needing to be dealt with before disappearing again. Is suddenly unable to spend the night over, claiming to be busy with something. In truth, he's just gone back to watching you from a distance... but you don't know that, of course. And, although it is greatly difficult on his end, he has to even refrain from being as physically affectionate, often standing, keeping his laptop on his lap while working and so on, so you can't lean onto or embrace as easily, and even more painfully, not being able to spend nights over means having to sleep alone without your affectionate snuggles, and having to just jerk off when he could be inside you instead. Sigh... such painful efforts to go to for the sake of security.

It works perfectly. It becomes clear in no time at all that you're a bit hurt by it, which quickly turns into outright concern and insecurity. You get this sad look on your face whenever he "has to" leave, look at the ground. You start to speak in a softer voice when you ask about doing something together later. And, very much to his satisfaction, you stop talking as much to others even compared to when you spent more time with him, opting to sulk by yourself, presumably in too poor of a mood to socialize.

Eventually -- perhaps a bit disappointed and fed up with waiting, as he was really hoping that you would outright address it and ask about his sudden distance, but oh well, perhaps a bit of a push is necessary -- he seems to "realize" how upset you are one afternoon that he (now a rare occurrence) stays with you throughout the day, and you wrap your arms around him, rest your head on his chest.

Ah, I've been neglecting you, haven't I... I've been so busy, I didn't even notice.

You pout, but you nod.

He puts a hand on top of your head. You always seem to like that. Gives you a sort of warm, endeared smile. Ah. Sorry. I'll be more careful. I hope you can forgive me?

He might feel a little bit guilty, sure, but it's also an incredibly satisfying feeling when you nod again. But not so satisfying as what comes after that stage, when he reverts back to suddenly giving you plenty of attention and affection, even apologizing again for the period of neglect, and seeing how happy it makes you. You seem incredibly relieved and ecstatic, you respond more affectionately than you even did before, and perhaps, he can't help but notice, you seem to be even more clingy and desperate to please, as if afraid of losing the closeness again, now that you've regained it.

Next time, it doesn't take you as long to get desperate. Because of course, there is a next time. It's inevitable that the relief and worry wears off just a bit, and he can detect just the slightest subtraction of affection from you as you begin to drift into a "comfortable" state once again. He doesn't like that state. Sure, you're still affectionate, but not as much as he would like. And your affection lacks the sense of neediness and insecurity and clinginess that gives him a sort of exhilarating, ego-boosting high that the "comfortable" levels of affection just doesn't provide. So inevitably, he has to get a bit distant again, although it never takes quite as long as the first time before you get clingy and desperate and you go through the cycle all over again.

Soon you seem to have a constant subconscious level of fear, he doesn't even have to try and distance himself. You'll ask a questions at random that's just an obvious plea for reassurance. You'll check to affirm that you'll be going through the same routine as always the next day where you spend a certain block of time together, followed by a  quiet 'right?' that's dripping with the perfect level of insecurity. Your grip around him when you're lounging around and resting against him is always tighter than it was at the very beginning. You're touchier altogether, often leaning and embracing and nuzzling, whereas in the "comfortable" state you might have been on the other side of the room doing your own thing or the like. You start performing little gestures of affection more often. Whenever you're alone at night in one dorm or the other (increasingly often his, as he's more or less convinced you to spend most nights in a dorm that doesn't have ceiling leaks and enough dust to fill a lung), you tend to be more provocative, and not at all subtly, opting to walk around in underwear and having completely ditched those pajamas you were provided with by the administration when you first arrived. You initiate more often, too, oftentimes just randomly latching on and climbing onto his lap and rolling your hips forward, latching your mouth onto his. You wrap your legs around his waist when you're on your back, rather than just having them spread apart, you latch your arms around him and pull him so close your bodies are pressed together, the noises that come out of your throat sound so much more desperate and needy than before.

A back-and-forth, push-and-pull -- the push that puts distance between you just makes you all that much easier to pull back in, and reaps great rewards from you when he finally does.

It's euphoric. It's perfect. It feels like complete and total control. You're so desperate. Whenever you're clinging and pressed up to him afterwards, he often has to pull your head close up against his chest so you don't see his expression. He knows full well there's a sinister sort of glee to the grin on his face, but for once, even he can't refrain.

Well, it's almost perfect. Everything with you is perfect, but there are obstacles that remain preventing everything from being perfect. And at this point, they might as well be dealt with.

Despite all your clinginess and the effectiveness, there are still assigned times for classes and extracurricular responsibilities (which he temporarily thought about abandoning, but that would come off as a bit too needy) that require you to be apart. And during that time, as he's learned from having "accidentally" put his phone in your bag and recording the whole time a few times, he knows what you're doing. Identifies the voices of those you talk to, and can't help but notice that not only are they the same people consistently, but there's one in particular that makes those violent urges flare up again. Hell, he snapped a pencil in half by accident just while listening to the playback.

No matter. He'll just have to resort to his Plan B. It wasn't his first choice, seeing as there are potential complications, but he has no real reservations. He can't put a rift between you and Kalim, unfortunately, as that would likely just become problematic for himself later down the road... he'll have to work with just keeping you two apart, whenever he can't be right there. That's the only real way to deal with that problem.

Besides, he's only a genuine issue during one specific time slot. The schedules of various students aren't always consistent day to day. Some lectures are longer, labs tend to be shorter, so on and so on, people have different time gaps, some students even eat lunch at different times depending on the day of the week.

You have one particular gap of time where you have no classes, but he does. It's not too big of a deal, seeing as you usually just go over to the Scarabia dorm these days and talk to some of the others anyway... but therein lies the issue for him.

On one of those days, you're a few minutes later than usual, as he left his pen sitting on the desk in the last class, and you went back with him just to keep talking, opting to take the extra minute or so to stay together, as it wouldn't be more than a minute or two delay. With the majority of the throng of students already rushed to their next destination, the halls are empty as you reach the spot where you usually part ways until meeting up again later in the day. But as you say something about seeing him later—

Oh, before you go, one more thing.

You pause. You turn your head back around to look at him.

Hm?

...You jolt at the sudden commotion, snapping out of a daze. That big clocktower bell ringing off in the distance at the middle of the campus, followed by the loud sounds of dozens of students' chattering and footsteps as they head on to another class.

Oh, the period is already over.

...Wait, what...?

Your head throbs. You feel dizzy, disoriented. For a brief moment, your surroundings seem to spin around you, until you shake your head in an attempt to clear it, and the feeling seems to go away. But you're not in the spot you were in what seems seconds ago, instead sitting down at a desk. There's a tingly, fuzzy feeling in your head.

Oh, right. You opted to take some time for yourself this time around in an empty classroom because—

...because...?

Right. The book on the desk is open. You were studying. You seem to recall some of the information retained, even if you were sort of spaced out for the duration of the studying itself, everything for the last little while feels like a blur. Was there a test or something coming up? There isn't one today, but you must have remembered to study for a reason. Your mind was preoccupied, one of those moments where you realize you've been spacing out for a long time, so lost in thought that you don't really remember the words your eyes have been scanning over, nor your own actions.

More importantly, you remember talking just before you were about to head off, Jamil was going to tell you something important, but admittedly, you can't remember what he said. You feel sort of bad about it. You just hope it wasn't something too important, like something you were supposed to go pick up or something like that... you're sure to ask later, and apologize for spacing out while you're at it. But it must have been no big deal, based on his own words.

Tell you the truth, I don't recall either... ah, it's been a long day. I'm sure it wasn't important.

You end up making a habit of it. You find yourself ending up in the same spot on that day each week, like clockwork, without even thinking about it. You're pretty sure you gravitate towards doing so out of a need for a brief rest to rejuvenate your energy for the day.

...But it does feel strange. The first time, you dismissed it as just spacing out, and the second time as well, but you keep noticing you follow the pattern without intending to. On the third week, you very specifically told yourself you wouldn't be sitting out today like you had the past two weeks, since you felt plenty energetic and missed talking to Kalim and the others you usually spend that time with... yet found yourself ending up there anyway. Your head always feels fuzzy when you seem to recuperate your energy and alertness. You mentioned it to Jamil once, and he merely told you to just stay consciously aware and not drift off into thought right before that time period... and it did work, at least that one following week. Then it went right back to the other habit, and from then on, you find yourself alternating, sometimes going to be with friends, but quite often ending up by yourself, completely lost in a blank state of mind. You feel dizzy, disoriented. Each time, it feels like there's some sort of gap in your consciousness, like waking up from a dream.

It's not the only sudden onset of odd occurrences, either.

The first occasion of the other occurrence leaves you entirely bewildered. You did notice that one of your friends seemed to avoid you for a few days in a row, but you figured he was just busy, so you're caught off-guard when he comes up to you looking down, apologetic expression on his face.

Hey, I just wanted to apologize again for the other day... I don't know what I did, but I'm really sorry if I upset you...

You find yourself in a confused stupor for a few moments, unsure of what is even being addressed. After a moment, your following questioning prompts the boy to elaborate on how you exploded out of nowhere... I figured you must have been really mad at me for something... followed by a brief recollection of some choice unkind things you apparently came up to him to say out of the blue, and another apology. You stammer something about how it was fine, you don't even remember any of that, you're not mad at all... you must have been mentally preoccupied and just blurted out something without thinking, or so is the best explanation you can conjure.

You don't think too much of it, though, until virtually the exact same thing happens again. Another person coming up to you, asking if they did something wrong followed by a claim that you released some sudden angry outburst seemingly at random and didn't provide explanation. You try to reassure them of the same thing as you told the first, making note to yourself to be more consciously aware of yourself. The only thing you can really think of that makes any sense would be your initial conclusion... or, perhaps, it does strike you for a brief moment that they're just messing with you, but the sincerity and slight hurt in their faces and voices makes you second-guess that idea. You must have actually said those things and had such outbursts, even if you don't recall, seeing as multiple people are making the same claims.

It doesn't take long for the matter to get worse. Soon, you find that when you come up to the same friends, smiling as you approach to initiate conversation, they merely narrow their eyes, huff and glare, turn the other way, sometimes walk off. You must have done something to upset them, or perhaps they're still upset about the outburst you apparently had...? You try to ask, but you get nothing but glares, harsh words telling you to just leave me alone or similar dismissals. To make matters worse, you're questioned by others as well -- what did they do to deserve that?, but everyone seems to think you should know what you did, and never elaborate.

You're bewildered. It feels like being an outside observer to some sort of mass delusion. You have absolutely no recall of doing anything that would upset anyone.

You even considered the notion of it being some sort of large-scale prank wherein you'd later be told they were all just kidding and trying to confuse you, but as time passes it becomes clear it was serious. That being said, you know you didn't do anything, your mind can only think of a few other possibilities. Why would people lie to you?

It's as confusing as it is hurtful. You didn't actually do anything to anyone to deserve this... the fact that multiple people would be needlessly cruel for no reason feels unfair and painful, although you suppose it's not at all unheard of, school environments are known to generate some of the worst people. You hope it will pass.

At least you still have some solace. Yes, really, the timing was at least as good as it could have been, seeing as now, you have someone you know will believe you and think the best of you no matter what, and will give you the comfort and reassurance you need. After some prompting about how downtrodden and melancholy you seem, you do finally open up about it.

Jamil doesn't seem particularly concerned about the matter, though. He shrugs it off, dismisses your concerns, although you do sense that he's trying to make you feel better. He dismisses the idea of it being some sort of conspired ordeal, says that's just being paranoid, but the alternative he suggests does seem helpful -- that you did indeed do what you were told you did, but with reason.

Perhaps you're under excessive stress. That would put anyone in a poor mood, and you may be too preoccupied to really recall the occurrence... or, it's likely that those individuals draw negative emotions out of you. You shouldn't spend time around people that make you feel poorly.

And then, after a pause, he adds,

Besides, you've never been anything less than kind towards me. That would suggest others are the issue, not yourself.

You appreciate the input, but the situation still certainly bothers you. It's not only your friends, either, that start to behave unfairly and even cruelly towards you. You would not have thought yourself to be someone who would be targeted for any malice, as you've tried to be nice and considerate and have never done anything you can recall that would have made you an enemy to random people.

You're completely caught off-guard, then, when some people seem to begin treating you as such at complete random. People you don't know very well, or have even never interacted with. You were sitting in a classroom when someone walked in, grabbed your things and ran off with them before you could take it back out of their grasp. And then, within days of that incident, someone comes out from the shadow of the side hall as you're walking, shoves you so hard you fall face-first to the ground, and runs off before you can identify them. Then, you leave your bag sitting down for a few minutes during a break, only to find someone, be it out of malice or carelessness, must have hit your bag with some heavy object, seeing as the laptop the school provided you with is smashed, forcing you to get a new one after profusely apologizing. It gets worse and worse, people coming up to you just for some cruel act or another, and now you don't even have friends to defend you... they only seem to bother you when Jamil isn't around either. You imagine that's because they know better than to provoke him, maybe.

You stay quiet about it for a while. Wouldn't want to burden him with such a thing, and you hope that it will pass... even at prompting, you merely mumble that you're fine, that you're just tired, that nothing is wrong. To say you're being bullied or anything of the sort would feel childish. It's just people being jerks, surely they'll move on and mess with someone else. Telling him would just upset him for your sake, and then you'd feel like you were overreacting, blowing it out of proportion. It's just rudeness that everyone will deal with from someone at some point. You're not even sure who a lot of them are, though... it's almost always, for whatever reason, students you're pretty sure you've never even interacted with, as if intentionally doing so in order to ensure you won't know their names or faces and can't confront them or report them.

Although it gets harder to handle, the longer it goes on. Getting tripped, shoved around, stolen from, even a few times getting things thrown at you... you find yourself becoming quieter, increasingly tired and depressed. It wears you down, emotionally and psychologically. You're always paranoid someone will come up to you and do something. You start to shut yourself in. You take longer to reply to the friends you have left. You start leaving earlier, when you usually hang out with them... even then, several of your friends no longer seem to want to hang around you anyway. It hurts.

And eventually, it becomes too much for you to keep trying.

It's almost startling when Jamil comes back to his own dorm room one day, for you to already be there. He's usually the first one back, while you spend an indefinite amount of time with friends and never come back at a consistent time, so he's caught off-guard to find you already back in the room. Curled up in bed, chest rising and falling with slow, heavy breaths. Your eyes seem a bit puffy, swollen, the flesh around your eyes reddened.

Poor thing. Yes, he did account for the fact that you'd inevitably get your feelings hurt from the acts, and when you started finding yourself all alone, but he does still feel bad, seeing you so upset. In fact, the realization that someone else caused this -- because it was, after all, someone else who actually committed the cruel acts, who did mean things to you, and thereby they are the ones responsible -- he has to swallow the subsequent feeling of sudden rage down. It's a necessary consequence.

The guilt doesn't last for too long. He climbs into bed over you, lays by your side, wraps an arm around you... he's not sure if it's a subconscious action in your sleep, or if you stir for just a moment, but regardless, you suddenly grunt as you turn over to face him instead, instinctively snuggling up close to the warmth, nuzzling your face against his chest. Your hands latch onto his undershirt, fingers curling to secure their place before you return to the soft little breaths, lulled back to deep sleep by the steady heartbeat against your face.

When you wake up, he's sure you'll be at a breaking point, you'll finally break down and talk about how mean and cruel people have been to you lately... and then he can assure you that it'll all be fine, leave for a while and come back, tell you they won't be bothering you anymore because he took care of it, but you should probably not go off on your own again anyway... yes, that will work. That should go over very smoothly, given all the steps that have been taken to ensure it.

And then... that will be everything. All the little obstacles, all either out of the way entirely, or well within the realm of being manageable.

Yes, with that, that momentary, miniscule guilt dissipates, replaced by a swelling, euphoric feeling of satisfaction and smug pride. Everything worked out exactly as it should. He runs his hand over the back of your head in slow, soft motions.

If it all really is some sort of social game, then this must be what it feels like to have won. He couldn't be happier with that outcome.

#having a loving and mutually respectful healthy relationship: ❌ #pulling some 4D chess bs to destroy your gf's psyche and self esteem to force her into dependency: ✅ #yandere twst #this made me realize i need to learn how to write consensual stuff which is simultaneously hilarious and awful that i like never have

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

I never understood the “autistics have a hard time with transitions” thing, bc doesn’t everyone have a hard time with transitions???

Yet I was only ever thinking about HUGE, life-altering transitions, like moving far away or having a kid, which is scary for anybody (but tbf autistics probably still rank higher on the “this is fucking terrifying” scale than allistics do).

But apparently, it also applies to the most basic transitions in day to day tasks. It’s harder for us to switch from one task to the next bc our brains generally function most efficiently when we are able to work in one uninterrupted segment on a task.

I’ve alwaysss struggled with this, especially when I need to use the bathroom - I will hold it for very long periods of time to avoid interruption in my task. For a while I thought it was just bc I also have adhd which causes lack of dopamine/executive dysfunction, and makes it difficult to *initiate* tasks. Which ofc plays a big part into it too. But I never knew it was a double whammy with the classic autism trait of “change and transitions are harder.” (Also the ignoring of my interoception doesn’t help with me avoiding using the bathroom)

#change is hard #transitions are hard #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #self diagnosed autism #adult autism #autistic adult #autism #adult adhd #adhd brain #adhd #audhd #adult audhd #audhd brain #audhd problems #audhd things

[truly-a-snitch]

hello !! may i request sigma with an protective s/o like not only the s/o physically and mentally protects him, but also brings him food, water, makes sure that he's fine and sleeping well and, in general, is such a sweetheart to sigma

YES OMG i love sigma so much heart emoji :33 did hcs bc i wasnt sure what you wanted

WARNINGS: none :3

---

sigma with a protective and caring s/o

this poor guy. holds him in my hands. his blood pressure is through the roof always. he teeters on the edge of a panic attack or full blown meltdown at all times. slaps a fragile sticker on him like hes a box of wine glasses

it takes the littlest things to get him to relax too because he doesnt have a lot of time for like. literally anything

i mean like the first time you ran your fingers through his hair while he was drifting off to sleep he probably started crying ngl. hes so stressed please handle with care

you help out around the casino, dont get it twisted, but he still bears most of the weight of work because he doesnt want to worry you too much with it (it does Not have the intended goal) and, other than you, the casino is the only thing he can really call his

he often forgets to attend to his bodily functions because of how hard he works and for how long everyday

(once, you had the casino staff send him a meal with a note to let him know it was from you. he realized he had not eaten since breakfast the previous day)

dude when i tell u that u need to wash this mans hair for him. like take a bath with him and wash his hair for him. not like cus he doesnt do it on his own or anything but because you can SEE him relax under your fingers when you do.

he feels so bad that he cant give you the same treatment but he makes up for it by spending lots of quality time with him and he buys you gifts ^_^

you got him one of those waterbottles with the times you should be at certain points by and he genuinely loves it because it reminds him to actually drink water

overall he really appreciates you because you take so much stress off of him by helping out around the casino and helping him actually maintain healthier habits !! he goes to sleep at a decent time now because of you :3 (how did you manage that ? "sigma come to bed i cant sleep if im not holding someone :-(" and hes like i have work but a few minutes couldnt hurt. anyway he falls asleep before you do)

#writing #bsd #bungou stray dogs #headcanons #bsd x gn reader #gender neutral reader #gn reader #percys silly hcs #sigma x reader #sigma x y/n #sigma x you #sigma x gn!reader #vampyama

[floor031]

re my last rb: my ranking of nami's favourite partners for general illegal activities whenever they hit a new island, pre & post-timeskip, including but not limited to:

swindling

scamming

small-scale grifting

gambling (& therefore cheating at gambling)

small-scale heisting (ones that require infiltration or more subtlety than usual)

ok let's go

pre-ts (pre-grand line):

zoro - it's so fun to get dramatic with him. he's very perceptive, he always plays along no matter what, he knows when to push the intimidation (and is very good at it. eternal attack dog privilege ftw) & when to dial back. he also knows nami best/longest out of them, though that quickly stops making a difference in most contexts

usopp - OBVIOUSLY!! he is quite literally perfect in every grift you can think of. the only problem is that he starts fumbling when the other party at, say, the casino gets a lil too threatening/seems to be catching on. whereas nami (& zoro) chase the adrenaline he doesn't like to toe the line TOO much.

sanji - automatic 3rd b/c she gets annoyed with how he can't function when a hot woman so much as breathes his way (she doesn't even scam other women! not when she can help it!) or if it's a grift that requires him to get the least bit touchy with her. but he IS objectively GOOD at it.

GREAT WALL OF CHINA

400. luffy - she does not let him grift OR gamble with her. subtlety of a fucking toddler. derails every single grift/mini heist. NEGATIVE poker face, ESPECIALLY when he's actively trying. when she's forced to bring him along though he always notices something she hasn't because he is bizarrely perceptive like that, he just doesn't really care. unfortunately this also means he doesn't always care to inform her about what he observes. (luffy: "but you told me to keep quiet!!") he also has really good luck so if he manages to stay quiet and not attract attention he can act as a good luck charm. however that is impossible

(later) pre-ts:

usopp - everything stays the same AND he's getting better at keeping his cool. what's not to love. this is their bonding activity

zoro - nami has learned the hard way that they both CANNOT take themselves seriously for long when they are required to get touchy. he's also demoted bc he refuses to part with his swords, which is really quite inconvenient if she wants him to be her partner for, say, a gala dinner they're sneaking into.

sanji - still 3rd but a closer 3rd now!! stay strong sansan!! more on earlier, grifting with him isn't as effortless/fun as it is w usopp or zoro but that is in no way due to lack of skill on his part. he's not just good at landing a cover; he's strategic like zoro and flexible like usopp. plus, he just FITS into a high class setting with the seamlessness that neither usopp nor zoro have which makes him very, very useful for grifts requiring more formality. however due to his also aforementioned flaws he cannot hit top 2 im (not) sorry...... ALSO! this is partly bc im so sanamipilled but i do think that she's grown to enjoy the touchiness sometimes - and now she can admit it to herself. 's a fun little excuse for her to indulge sanji a bit, especially if their mark for the night is easy

robin - she is last bc she is usually simply not interested in all that. however she will creep people out with her general aura when needed!

post-ts:

usopp - everything is just so easy with him x2. they fall back into their dynamic and it's perfect and even BETTER than before because they're both a little out of practice after 2 years, but they've also both got new tricks up their sleeves. they don't get as many chances TO grift anymore in the new world though. always onto the next big adventure. plus now she's notorious enough that people actually RECOGNISE her in bigger cities/towns (she's not too happy about this)

sanji - he's been promoted :) but also demoted especially freshly post-ts bc of fishman island related crimes.

zoro - he doesn't let nami convince him into grifting with her anymore :-(( but if nami still requires someone to stand menacingly behind her as she extorts some rando then [mbappe voice] He Will Be There No Matter What

luffy stays the same :p

chopper is too young to be engaging in these activities & franky and brook are wayy too conspicuous. jinbei just joined they do not have the time for that shit yet. also i havent read beyond wano

#op #one piece #strawhats #straw hat pirates #east blue crew #nami #usopp #zoro #sanji #luffy #robin #qin poast

[mezzy303]

Ok laddies time for this week's theory time (do I need to make a masterpost of my theories? This is getting a little ridiculous lol)

Spoilers for One Piece chapter 1115 spoilers under the cut

The way I jumped and threwwww my kindle (onto pillows) when Vegapunk confirmed all the Atlantis theories!!!!!!! I made the mistake of reading it right before bed and I was wide awake for like another two hours talking to a friend and just thinking about it 😅

I honestly was ready to scrap my theory from ch 1113 about there being whole continents 800 years ago before a great flood happened, and I'm still reeling on how it all turned out to be true besides the natural phenomenon part (here's my theory from ch 1114). And Oda once again proves how fucking genius he is bc I never expected 200 meters?????? Omg???? That's over 650ft for my fellow US folks. Here's an image going around Twitter from a YouTube video that shows what are own world would look like if sea levels rose 200m

Insanity

These recent chapters have had me really questioning the mechanics of the One Piece world lol. Tbh I think we all just assumed that the world was just Like That and mainly functioned to drive the plot forward. But there are actual reasons behind it?? With this revelation, I started thinking about how the sinking of land could have been intentional on the Allies' part, beyond the destruction of the Great Kingdom and erasing it from history. The way the world is now, with the Red Line going all the way around and the Calm Belts running perpendicular to it, it's incredibly hard to travel between the different Seas. The islands are also fairly isolated from each other, especially on the Grand Line. It makes it hard for information to travel around, and the only way to get world news is through a heavily vetted newspaper. To me, it all seems purposeful to further subjugate the world by physically dividing the people, making them easier to control and rule over.

I also want to reiterate how easy it would've been to erase the Great Kingdom from history and collective memory when the Allies/World Government had the capabilities of mass destruction that could cause sea levels to rise hundreds of meters. Not only does it make the original land inaccessible, the amount of people that died was probably immense. And with the death of a large number of people comes the loss of knowledge. Those that survived likely wouldn't have wanted to pass down information on the Great Kingdom from both the trauma of the event and the fear of retribution by the World Govt (I assume the laws forbidding research on the Void Century was immediate). So potentially after just one generation, knowledge on the Great Kingdom and how the world used to be would've disappeared. Iirc only the Minks and the Kozuki family passed down info on the kingdom's existence, and their lands are largely isolated from the rest of the world. (Speaking of which, they both are in locations where further rising sea levels wouldn't affect them)

Looking into it further, the way the geography of the world also seems like it's trying to prevent (or at least discourage) people from getting into or leaving the Grand Line and also travel between islands. Just trying to get to that sea is dangerous because it requires a person to either sail through Reverse Mountain, where many pirates canonically have died because of the crazy currents and storms and end up crashing into the mountain, or going through the Calm Belt, which is current and wind free and infested with Sea Kings. And once you're in the Grand Line, the waters itself are extremely difficult to navigate. Now what's in the Grand Line that the Allies may have wanted to prevent people from getting to? Laugh Tale.

For a little while now, I've been playing around with the idea on how the magnetic fields on each island may have been created to specifically help a pirate/sailor get to Laugh Tale. We've already seen Kidd using his awakened devil fruit powers to change the polarity of different objects, what if it's possible to change the polarity of an entire island? With those powers, a person could have created the seven paths of the Grand Line. I'm still trying to decide if this was done outside the Allies' control, or if it was an order from the Allies and the person was secretly loyal to the Great Kingdom.

And don't think I missed that little detail Vegapunk said about the Allies using ancient weapons!!!!!!! Literally each chapter has been teasing the reveal of the Elders having Uranus!!!! ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡ It seems like the Lulusia attack really was just a taste of what their weapon can do. I can't imagine how big an attack (or how many attacks in succession?) it would take to cause 200m sea level change???

#I can't wait for the official translations to come out and compare notes haha #also can't wait for the next chapter to blow our minds again #one piece #one piece spoilers #op spoilers #one piece 1115 #egghead spoilers

[eldritch-spouse]

hi! my b if this has been asked before, but can/do any of your ocs have tattoos? would they want them? ik breg probably wouldn’t bc of the needles/pain, but i’m curious abt the others like santi, morell, vesper, livius…? (also i jus wanna say that i LOVE your writing 😭 i stumbled across your account on ao3 and then i made a tumblr because i could not get enough! you’re seriously so talented and everything you write jus has me craving for more.)

Now that you mention it... Yeah, I don't think there's a single character of mine with tattoos, which is a bit strange to me, but curious.

You're entirely correct, Breg is too much of a wuss about needles to ever humor one. Although, if it was a simple tattoo of your name, he would probably agree. The breeder would just have to hold your hand very tightly, and you need to keep his eyes on you the entire time or he will flip and possibly hurt the poor artist trying to work on him. Remember, the space you tattoo becomes dysfunctional when it comes to Breg's skin flickering, so maybe do it with color?

Most of the demons are totally willing to get tattoos with you. Demons are used to marks in general, many have carved and branded things into their own bodies, displaying scars and tattoos alike as sources of immense pride. Some definitely find tattoos attractive in their mates. Concubi like Santi and Vesper are particularly into the idea of you suggesting a design of yours to tattoo onto them. It functions as your own "mark". Obie is also big into tats on others, he's very indecisive about his own body however.

Livius would only humor a tatoo if it's done to match you in some way. He wants it EXACTLY like yours, if it's off even by a little bit, there will be a tantrum. Going to be real here, you could probably suggest Vesper get a tramp stamp saying "King Cumdump" and he'd get it.

Morell generally detests tattoos. We've talked about it before on the blog. He thinks it ruins meat quality, and even if he doesn't plan to eat you, his irrational distaste is still there. He hates it. Putting tattoos on himself is even less appealing, since his body is all spotted. It would looks jarring and weird, and possibly ruin his faint glow.

Another one who doesn't really like tattoos is Krulu. If you must wear a design on your body, let it be his alone. Similarly, Miara would rather you do something suiting her tastes. Or, at the very least, in a variety of colors.

Shags FUCKING LOVES tattoos. It's part of how he makes a living! Selling his ink so it can be treated properly and used for body art, which he himself has dabbled in plenty of times. You want to get a new tattoo? Fuck yes, let him help you with the design, yes? Unfortunately, since he's constantly dripping ink and his body is almost always some degree of mutilated, Shags doesn't really want to tattoo himself.

[Oh my God, you made a Tumblr just for me?!? Ahfhsbfbsf that's so sweet, holy shit. <3 Thenk you lots, I'm very very glad you enjoy my content that much!!!]

#Shags oc #Vesper oc #Livius oc #Obie oc #Morell oc #Krulu oc #Mother Miara #Bregory #Santi oc

[movedtohypnocus]

howdy heres a decent post about how to find new music to listen to, from an autistic person who literally needs music to function most times 💪

spotify based since that is what i use

first off, Discover Weekly (updates Mondays) and Release Radar (updates Fridays) are pretty good if you arent looking for music quickly. i prefer Discover Weekly bc it usually is from artists ive never listened to.

BUT if you are anything like me and kind of need music daily, and/or feel like everything is getting stale to listen to and just is not stimulating enough, theres quite a few things you can do (:

i primarily use Chosic, since it kinda has a bunch of different shit to use n look at

if it feels too overwhelming, what you can do is stick with "Music Genre Finder" and "Similar Songs Finder"

even though it might sometimes ask on some pages, you do NOT have to sign into Spotify for this site if you dont want to (:

using this banger as my control song

Music Genre Finder

figuring out what genres and sub-genres you listen to the most is about to become your best friend ok

pretty much just toss in a bunch of songs you enjoy and take note of the genres and sub-genres. i recommend making playlists of songs with similar or same genres (and also bc its fun)

this one is the most basic, but is a good starting point to help you go down your rabbit hole

Similar Songs Finder

same concept; throw in songs you want more of. i do one song at a time but you can do multiple

theres also this (v), so have fun with that B)

i recommend taking a look at the advanced settings, but for the sake of keeping this post as comprehensive as possible, im going to stick to the basics.

clicking generate will pull up a list of songs similar to your input, available as both Spotify and YouTube playlists to save if you so choose

to make this easier, you can also analyze the playlist songs directly from here; just middle click the buttons to open a new tab so you dont lose this page

Moving on from Chosic to other methods lol

PANTHER. Panther is sooo good imo

this one is artist-based, and sometimes the song previews it gives do not load, but you can simply look them up to listen for yourself in that case.

i will use I Met a Yeti as an example

very simple; i recommend going into this website with lowered volume because sometimes the audio is loud and crunchy; it will sound better on Spotify though

Create Similar Playlist

this is a feature that is already in Spotify, and it is again, very basic.

right clicking on a playlist ofc pulls up a neat lil menu

this one isnt that great, but it works better with the more songs you have on it from different artists.

often times it will add songs you already have saved, but otherwise its kinda okay

Enchance

again, a built-in Spotify feature, however this one might not be for everyone as i believe this is an experimental feature that not everybody has at the moment. still, if you do have it, i absolutely recommend it

basically what it does is add ~100 songs to your Liked Playlist, spaced out every two songs (they are not permanently saved if that annoys you; they go away after turning off this feature)

update 11/11/23

Enhance is out now i think? however it's only for created playlists and not your liked playlist. it still works the same but adds less music. more music gets suggested though when you save them

the Panther site had some issues loading for a while, but it's working again (it may have just been me. idk)

this is all i have for now lol. if you have any questions lemme know (:

hope this helps!

#postnocus #lars song recs #useful

[allamericanb-tch]

you signed up for this thoughts (1)

currently riding off the adrenaline rush that was doing my final project for english literally 30 minutes before it was due. will i be pulling an all nighter? i hope not. i have things to do tomorrow. but it is entirely possible. it is currently 12:11 am on may 4th. i will be back with the time when i stop reading. ok. it’s 1:50 am and im done with chapter two. i’m tired but also im not but im going to force myself to sleep bc ill regret it if i dont. 

chapter 1

guys i need long rosekiller fic recs. this is so irrelevant but

cruel summer! i love swifties.

modern AUs are really starting to grow on me

guys i love dorcas so much she’s so cool i’m in love with her 

celsius jump scare (i just looked up the conversion and 30°C is 86°F which is PERFECT WEATHER what is regulus yapping about)

“honestly, straight guys. a mystery to regulus.”

“dorcas is almost too gay to function.” we should totally just stab caesar!!!

they’re in spain why did i think they were in australia

BARTY?!

yes dorcas you ARE a bad bitch

i’m living for dorcas and regulus friendship

lily! my love <3

remus!

JAMES POV!!! james is my favorite guys i love him so much

is james hispanic in this omg (wait yeah that would make sense if this takes place in spain…) hispanic james is so dear to me

MARLENE!!!! just a mention of her but i love marlene. so. much.

no why is he being mean ☹️ i mean i get why but james fleabag potter is the most Genuinely Nice Guy to every Genuinely Nice Guy

peter!

frank!!

hogwarts spa and resort 😭

regulus pov again!

rip bartylus ☹️

six weeks!

the tired is setting in i might just read one chapter and then go to sleep

omg black brothers reunion when??

james pov again! i’m glad this fic clarifies the povs i like that

eeee jegulus

sex wax mention

regulus pov again again! 

dorcas calling remus “tall dark and handsome” genuinely that phrase confused me so much for so long (it still does) like im just imagining them being enveloped in a perpetual shadow

what the fuck is a half british half american accent with a spanish twang

this fic is irking me, but generally all modern AUs do

“there go his plan for ogling” REAL

james pov again again!

sirius!

not lily thinking regulus is dorcas’ boyfriend

sirius is a short queen and i love him 

remus pov!!!

eeee sirius

wolfstarwolfstarwolfstar

PANDORA!!!!!!!

i love remus and regulus friendship

i love long end notes

chapter 2

“But also, he’s so freaking tired.” james being the realest ever

enemies to lovers wolfstar

SIRIUS BEING 5’5 i love it

regulus pov! 

oooooo

jegulus is jegulusing

i have to pee SO BAD rn omg

eee james pov

oh me oh my 

remus pov! 

dorcas!!!!!

regulus pov again 

chapter 3

i am back many hours later (i am driving to prom) (don’t worry i am not the one driving)

excited for this one

i have no idea what the work aspect of this fic is about

STOP DONT CALL SUNSCREEN CREAM AHHH

“i’m weird. i’m a weirdo. i don’t fit in. i don’t want to fit in.” 

platonic prongsfoot ❤️‍🩹

“i want to be marlene when i grow up” REAL

i hate the way paraphernalia is spelled so much

dorlene!!!!!!

marlene 😭 i love her so much

ew stop saying tall dark and handsome it’s so wattpad

dorlene is dorlening

i think regulus is going to stumble upon sirius rn

I KNEW IT AHHH

and he’s running away

AH james

jegulus is jegulusing

oh my god

this is so wattpad and im living for it honestly

“hello brother” BAH STOP

regulus having a canis major tattoo ❤️‍🩹

chapter 4

i stopped reading and it is now one more day later

james is so. james.

“Grumbling under his breath, he connects his phone via Bluetooth and finds his one sad playlist. It exists for emergencies only, but he thinks this qualifies.” HELP

regulus has been found 

jegulus jegulus jegulus

james 😭 

regulus having a peanut allergy

jamessss whyyyy ☹️

barty jump scare

stoppppp omg ew

lily!!!!!

pandora!! i love her so much

🎶you look like stevie nicks🎶

pandalily ?! eat. 

i love pandora so much omg

greyback ??

james and sirius 

chapter 5

what is 1700 in normal time

sirius leaving the note for regulus ❤️‍🩹 

remus “i can’t fucking stand you” lupin and sirius “you’re welcome to kneel” black

dorcas!

arepas mmm

dorcas!

PLEASE barty and regulus texting i can’t with them

i lpve moonwater

chapter 6

dinner ahhh

beer is literally just bread soda

james is such a mom friend

midnights !!!!!

NOAH KAHAN !!!!!

sirius has excellent music taste

jegulus ahhh

peter 😭 i love him so much

stop this is giving me the ick

WHAT THE F

i’m eating this enemies to lovers wolfstar up please they need to kiss so bad

jegulus

chapter 7

regulus just pining

yes sirius you’re absolutely right lost the breakup IS a banger

MATILDA IS NOT A SKIP

omg is it called you signed up for this bc of the maisie peters song. 

“There are only two reasons Sirius will get out of bed before eight am. Mortal peril or good waves.”

sirius and remus alone together ?!

KISS ALREADY

AHHHHHHH

wolfstar is wolfstaring

oh they’re really going at it

yeah that was really. hmm. i mean good for them honestly but

“Remus’ mouth twitches, then he looks at Sirius, who is trying very hard to avoid his gaze for some reason. It’s odd, and Regulus doesn’t like it. Did they have a fight or something?” yeah or something

sirius and regulus ☹️

marlene 😭 icon as always

james!

yay i love dancing

regulus being regulus (pining after james)

chapter 8

oh? hanky panky in this chapter ?!

no hablo español

regulus calling james mr darcy

THE HAND FLEX SCENE yes it is a classic

mcdonald’s so america core

james carrying an epipen for regulus ❤️‍🩹

omg they’re going dancing

james respectful king

omg daddy yankee mention we used to listen to his songs in middle school spanish class 

jegulus is jegulusing omg

sirius pov 

eeeee wolfstar happenings

moonwater friendship <3

CANNON FODDER 😭

chapter 9

lily!!!!!

pandora ?!

i love lesbian lily

pandalily!

keeping it platonic my ass

yeah inside joke. sure.

“If Mary finds out he took Remus into the staff corridor, she’ll neuter him” 😭😭

wow this author just loves the phrase “kisses their teeth”

i love sirius and regulus

BAH REGULUS AND THE TAYLOR REFERENCES i love him so much

regulus having no friends his whole life he’s just like me fr

james you menace

STOP SAYING CREAM IM BEGGING YOU

“While Regulus is having a small, private crisis” that’s one way to put it

i really don’t like barty in this which is sad for me because i love barty

“Do you really want to faint in front of Sirius like you’re a Victorian lady?”

what are they doing

please stop saying “#/10 would ___” it’s so millennial 

i was gonna stop here but i think i will read one more

chapter 10

hanky panky hanky panky

i love dorlene 

i love pandalily

we need more wlw centric fics if i was confident in my writing abilities that is what i would do

dorcas!! 

guys i love dorlene so much

being a multishipper is so fun bc i love marylily so much but pandalily eats every time

i love forced proximity

sirius having to run after remus bc sirius is Very Short and remus is Very Tall so real

oh they’re in the backseat now

oh jegulus

oh me oh my

THEYRE KISSING AHHHHHHH

stop i can’t believe it’s only been a week

they’re really going at it aren’t they

ew stop this is giving me the ick

ok im going to read another chapter

chapter 11

this is the last one i swear

sirius telling lily! underrated friendship frfr

marlene!

i love jegulus so much omg

i love the word magnanimous 

remus telling regulus

poor dorcas ☹️

“You’re like a pesky mosquito, you know that?” Remus groans, shaking his head. Unbelievable.

“Hmm, yeah, I guess. I mean, I’d like to bite you.” 😭😭 sirius you menace

regulus you menace

“You are a menace.” this is exactly what i’ve been saying

sirius jump scare

oh me oh my

i love pandora

oh ?!

ok reading the next chapter

chapter 12

oh me oh my

not imagine dragons 😭

hospital 🫡

eeeeee they’re kissing

wolfstar

sleepover ?!

why is this hilarious

sirius is such a menace

i love sirius and regulus so much

“Barty made Regulus feel like the world was against them. James makes Regulus feel like it’s them against the world.”

dorcas! 

dorlene ☹️

jegulus is jegulusing

ew stop this is giving me the ick

ok i actually have to sleep now 

#you signed up for this #solmussa

[meduseld]

Is Nick Goode a better boy or girl dad?

It took me ages to get to this bc Tumblr's post finding functions do not work and I needed to track down one of my own answered asks found here which was the same question but for Ziggy. And just like with her, I think Nick does better with a girl than a boy (aka a child not of his own gender) for several reasons. The first is of course obvious: she is not a pact heir at all which removes a lot of pressure and issues (this presupposes he can have a girl child at all since it seems Satan makes sure the Goodes only have sons but). That would help a lot, especially because he doesn't have to see himself in her and all that, nor could he see mirrors of his own parents in their relationship because he has no sisters and generally grew up in an overmasculinized enviroment where he had to hide that he was a big nerd.

Which dovetails into how then there's the reason that a lot of fathers find it easier to express love and affection for daughters, the whole Daddy's Little Girl effect, where, since men expressing emotion is heavily penalized and this is Ohio in the 90s, BUT men are actually allowed and even encouraged to have emotional connections with their daughters, don't limit their emotions (i.e. they say boys don't cry but comfort daughters) and also *receive* that affection in turn (i.e. girls can say I love you dad their whole life and adulthood while boys have to stop around or before puberty) which strengthens that bond.

Once more it comes down to societal attitudes on gender roles and bonds with parents, with the added not seeing themselves or the weight of family trauma in an opposite sex child. Nick would have so much baggage around a son, who he would be way harder on. So yes, 120% girl dad Nick (which is also a huge factor in the Ripley and Connor verse) who for the time would be a very progressive father in how he reared daughters as he would not limit them genderwise the way his father/men of his social class would do. Like he would not push them to be """"ladylike""""" or discourage """""boyish"""" interests, which would be supported by Ziggy.

#i had feelings #nick goode #gdi nicky #well maybe not this time #nick x ziggy #by implication #fear street

[juneviews]

Wanted to start this by saying that I usually agree with your opinions (or even when I don't, I can at least see where you're coming from) but that's not the case when it comes to your opinion on Only Friends because I completely disagree and just wanted to add my two cents. You said that it wasn't relatable to the queer community but I'm sorry, the queer community isn't a monolith, there isn't one universal way that every single queer friendship group functions. Just because it wasn't relatable to your experience, it doesn't mean that it wasn't relatable to many other queer people's experiences. For example, one of my friend groups consists of gay men and the stories they've told me (and some of which I witnessed with myself)? Not that far off from OF (aka everyone getting with everyone, behind people's backs as well, and most of them are still on friendly terms now). It's perfectly fine that you didn't personally relate but you can't say no queer person/community did.

I also saw depth to a lot of characters and I could relate to several of them in different ways and everything in the finale made sense to me for those characters. For me it achieved what it set out to do: entertain, while also make me connect/care about some of the characters. It didn't do that for everyone (you included) but please don't claim it's a "bad show" as a general statement just because you didn't get anything out of it because a lot of people did. (My friend who struggles with depression and is currently going through a depressive slump found comfort in seeing Ray progress to a point where he's much happier at the end of the series because it gives her hope that she can get to that point soon too.)

Is Only Friends a brilliant, amazing, showstopping, incredible show? No. But it's not bad, far from it. It certainly has its flaws but the sudden hate it's getting is not warranted imo.

hi, first of all, it's fine to disagree lol, though it's always a bit jarring to me when people feel the need to let me know they disagree with me bc clearly we simply have a different taste & opinion. when I share my opinion about a show, I do it on my blog but never go on others' blogs to either defend a show I liked or trash a show I didn't like, but anyways. I have NEVER, EVER said that the queer community is a monolith & that all queer representation needs to be relatable to ME. in fact, a lot of my favorite queer media are HIGHLY UN-relatable to me lol. I never implied that only friends' flaws comes from it being unrelatable or unrealistic? in fact I believe it to be realistic since it's made by queer men & has recurring topics that p'jojo especially has used in previous shows of his, especially since the story of only friends is inspired by real-life events. in fact I said that I WISH they'd have leaned into the queer community aspect of it even more bc it was the one point in which this show differentiates itself from friend zone, so yeah. don't really know where you got that notion from. secondly, like it or not, I can claim any shows I've watched are bad in my opinion. once again, media is subjective & I did not like only friends so for me it IS a bad show. is it the worst? no. did I HATE it? no. did I have a good time in front of it? also no. also from a writing standpoint I'm sorry it IS objectively bad and FAILED at what it set out to do, especially considering the show itself doesn't seem to know what it set out to do in the first place. moreover, sudden hate? I've been criticizing only friends since it started airing lol, I'm not jumping on any bandwagon, and in fact it's more so the fandom that's catching up to the fact that this show is not very good. now, I'm genuinely glad that this show helped you & your friend and that you liked it! that's great, of COURSE this show is gonna have its fans, and in fact it has a lot of them! however it seems to me as if you've taken my (justified) criticism of the show to heart for a reason that only you fully know, and I hope you can investigate why that is. I truly value you as a long time follower of mine & I hope you can agree to disagree with me on that one even though I must admit this ask seems a bit jarring & personal to me. wish you all the best :)

xxx

#answers #only friends #only friends the series

[veggieboxes]

ok that adult teru post and in the tags you have some thoughts about him and his relationship w adulthood PLEASR PLEASE PLEASE TELL Us those THOUGHTS PLEASE. sorry i just i want to know i love teru hahaa

my god. you are unleashing my analysis brain. ok.

i have a lot of thoughts in general on the "main cast" around mob (reigen, dimple, teru, and ritsu) in general LOL + how they all intertwine with e/o but i do really like teru bc of how nebulous his backstory is.. ONE pretty much just gives us this:

(this dude is fucking 14. did he start living alone at 10????)

+ the fact that he started living alone bc of the claw attacks. everybody else has pretty straightforward backstories (except for dimple i guess, but he doesn't really follow the traditional rules of all the human characters), but teru's situation is so fucking strange. and it's never elaborated upon.

but i do think that it's very obvious that he turned out the way he Did pre mob meeting just bc he was forced to take care of himself and survive from an insanely young age. skipping childhood to become an "adult" is really the only option for him, which ultimately leads him to creating a social hierarchy at his school because gaining a position of power is "just something adults do." that plus the fact that he needs some way to prove himself to others that he's worthy of attention and praise because he can't get that validation from his parents. so the next best thing is his classmates!

from my viewpoint, a lottt of teru's behaviors boil down to doing what an adult "should" be doing / the ideal successful adult figure. which is also why he fits himself in those traditional heteronormative and masculine roles via. dating women and fighting men. this stuff helps reinforce the social hierarchy, but also creates the illusion that he's capable of being in functioning hetero relationships as people are expected be in as they grow older. teru wants to stand out, but in a "socially acceptable" way -- the way that will guarantee him praise from others.

the whole facade obviously crumbles after his encounter with mob. he's knocked off of his pedestal, being stripped of his dignity (and other things...) in front of the carefully constructed ecosystem he created with himself at the top. bigger pond, bigger fish! so once that's gone, teru really has nobody else to prove himself to or get worship from. at the end of the day, all he really has is himself to gain acceptance from. and with that, he can become an actual functioning human being and not a weird, disfigured, carefully chiseled mimic of what he thinks is the ideal adult.

obviously, remnants of this system pre-yassified teru put up is still present and we see that with teru still getting lots of gifts from girls who are kinda scared by him. but we don't really see how teru interacts with his classmates or vice versa in everyday life past that. i do really enjoy the idea of black vinegar's shadow leader coming back with a complete 180 personality. and a wig to match that change.

but all that aside, teru coming to the realization that he doesn't have much if you take away his psychic powers lets him become a kid again. not hardened by life or jaded, not held up to these wild expectations, not expected to take care of himself emotionally (which isn't kid-exclusive, but teru just never allowed himself to share that burden to begin with). i mean, he's always been a kid -- just in the way he tries to appear mature -- but he can let himself grow in his own, much healthier, way.

i think that's why teru's character in particular inherently has so much gay subtext, because the audience sees his character go from "traditional masculine figure" to... basically the opposite of that. and if the traditional masculine figure is defined by the role in heterosexual relationships, then the opposite would be homosexuality.

well, that and his general attitude towards mob. and teru's fruity ass fits. i'm not sure how he had those in his closet and thought, "yeah! i'm straight!"

and that's my two cents! my concluding statement: god, i hope we get the series of animated spinoffs ONE mentioned as a hypothetical.

i love mob's story to death, but i'd love to see more explorations into the other characters because they're usually pushed to the sideline development-wise after their respective arcs are over. i do love the omakes for this reason though lol

anyways, thanks for reading my intro to mob psycho 101 essay :-) sorry this is stupidly long. but also? i could write an analysis like this for every secondary character because i care about them so much.

#i have sooo many fucking thoughts on mp100 it's a little insane #most of these thoughts were drafted out to my roommate a while back at like. 2am. s/o to them for hearing me ramble on about this shit #i loooooove media analysis #even though i'm sure ONE did not think that hard about teru's character in this way LOL #teru hanazawa #mp100 #asks #i have thoughts on teru in parallel to reigen and ritsu too #but erm. that's too much for now #teru and ritsu r my favs tho so i do have a lot of thoughts about those two in particular #sorry i'm biased towards characters with inferiority complexes LOL #i do want to do a series of ristu comics cuz i think the fanon depiction of him is wildly reductive #but idk when i'll get to it lmao #huge ass tangent #i need to stop writing #bye #ask

[demon-of-the-ancient-world]

Ok my *favourite* Athelstan headcanons I've come up with so far, complied from all my earlier compilations** go:

**and yeah, YEAH a lot of these are reiterations of what i've said a million times, fight meeeee

under the cut:

He needs very little sleep to function & his sleep schedule is a Mystery

Always A Little Too Cold, can't sleep without like 18 covers

Shares life/skills tips with Lagertha

They are each other's wingman/woman (& silently judge Ragnar together when he's Up To Something)

They mourn Gyda on the anniversary of her death each year

He pushes himself too far without knowing it sometimes, trying to exist through being way too stressed, exhausted etc.

Has trouble getting the at LEAST 3 languages he speaks straight in his head sometimes especially in those scenarios

Tends the garden at Ragnar's farm, and later keeps a little garden of his own, it keeps him calm and reminds him of his work at Lindisfarne

His birth name wasn't Athelstan, that's his chosen monk name (in a couple fics of mine I've called him Anselm)

Bakes bread like an absolute King

Good at cooking in general

Soup

Has an intense fear of thunderstorms/severe weather

Can swim if he has to but not a fan of water either

Ambidextrous (and would get in trouble at the monastery for occasionally using "the devil's hand" by accident)

But now he can fight with both hands so that's cool

Nearsighted (that's what spending years squinting at small print by candlelight will do to a guy)

It's rare for him to get sick

But when he does it hits him like an absolute truck. Like he won't catch a single cold for YEARS and then out of nowhere bam, stuck in bed for two weeks with the worst bug of his life

Lagertha helps him out if he's unwell, he's got some medical training from being a monk but like I said earlier when he's too stressed his brain does Not work

And he's also helped her with injury recovery after battles, sometimes giving her insight to things that would've been a lot more serious otherwise

Basically he's her physio coach

(he's tried to do this with Ragnar too but that man is Too Stubborn -- even when it's Athelstan)

Ragnar's INSTINCT is to immediately roast most things he says about his religion off bat-- but then he'll spend hours thinking about his takes anyway and come back like hold on what was that you said. And Athelstan is like. Aha.

He and Helga are best buds (to Floki's dismay)

Helga + Athelstan + Gyda flower crown making circle. Yes please.

Face turns beet red in the cold

Ragnar LOVES to playfully slap him on the back, throw an arm around him, hugs etc. which is all fun and great but sometimes he'll forget that Athelstan is like. Small. And will straight up knock him over.

Animals like him instinctively

He's that weird guy who brings his sketchbook to a party & draws people

But fr he has more trouble remembering faces than names (and to him all the Norsemen kinda look alike. He will never admit that.) so he keeps track of everybody this way

Eventually does get a tattoo on a wrist or ankle where it can't be seen by anyone

Sorta easy to not notice. He can be very quiet, to the point where if he wanted to sneak around and snoop he could with almost zero effort. But he doesn't bc morals???

Finds Ragnar's old clothes (that he's stuck with at the beginning of the series) comforting and doesn't mind that they're about four sizes too big -- he's used to loose oversized robes after all

Gyda had a crush on him when he first arrived and Bjorn teased her incessantly about it (Athelstan had no idea)

People get to know him as kind of an advisor and sagely type, and will come to him for advice (honestly...kind of like a priest would do. which is not a connection he makes anyone aware of, but it makes him happy)

Strategy game enthusiast

Learns to knit & makes his own clothes

Has a bit of a photographic memory

Learns to make tattoos despite having only one of his own

Tries to give Ragnar one at one point and they think it'll be a ~bonding experience~ but Ragnar will not stop squirming and Athelstan gets increasingly frustrated trying to get him to Hold The Fuck Still

....Phew

@grantairescurls @levithestripper @starrose17

I know I've bombarded you guys with so much Athelstan stuff that's probably super repetitive but ughhhghhhhhhhh I gotta exorcise these things

#athelstan #vikings #cannot stop FUCKING doing this

[zgvlt]

my theme / graphics / design F.A.Q. @ my anons and a few others who've been asking some questions + some help, i just compiled every question into one post 👍

disclaimer: i am very much an amateur in making graphics so i still don't know everything there is to know, but i think it's good to make graphic design and editing seem more accessible and less intimidating! so like don't go to me for actual professional advice

.001 | header templates if you don't really feel like reading and just want to experience everything for yourself, here's a bunch of templates i made today. play around with them if u want :> i used canva since it's available both on mobile and pc but if you prefer to use a different app you can just check the specs/see if your app has similar functions

TEMPLATE LINKS (I won't know who's made copies of the templates so it's fine if you're worried about being exposed): [1: SEBEK] [2: SAKUYA (PINK)] [3: FIRST YEARS] [4: TREY AND IDIA]

if someone is interested in using any of these as inspo or as a base i don't mind, and i don't need credit either 👍 but if you wanna let me know bc i'm a bit nosy go ahead

.002 | what apps would you recommend for editing? (mobile and desktop)

Desktop:

photopea , if you want a browser alternative to PS. i tried it out for maybe twenty minutes and a bunch of the basic features i need in PS are present there, it's definitely good if you want to experiment more as opposed to other apps. here's a tutorial for it

Mobile and Desktop:

picsart [desktop] [google play] [apple app store]: i think a lot of people start out with picsart and i totally get it! it's very easy to use, there's also a lot of tutorials for it on YouTube :> > list of tutorials from their blog > this playlist of tutorials by tutorial edits

canva [desktop] [google play] [apple app store]: so so elite i love canva. there are times where i do prefer the freedom that powerpoint gives me but canva is just convenient. anyway she's good both for ur powerpoints in class and pretty decent for editing. the templates i made above are my first time doing edits (not for school) with canva and i think they turned out alright! > official canva tutorials > this pinterest user's short-form canva tuts > canva search keywords lists: [one] [two] [three] [four]

Mobile Only:

phonto [google play] [apple app store]: ily phonto, here's a tutorial

apps like krita or autodesk or csp or medibang or procreate are likely usable as well, i just don't exactly have advice for them since i don't use them

Websites for Fonts:

dafont.com

Google Fonts

FontSpace

freejapanesefont.com

font identifiers [whatthefont] [fontsquirrel]

Websites for images/elements:

flaticon

blobmaker.app (saves as svg, use a svg to png/jpg converter if you don't use an app that allows svgs)

getwaves.io (saves as svg, use a svg to png/jpg converter if you don't use an app that allows svgs)

haikei.app (basically a combination of blobmaker, getwaves, and a few other apps)

Colors:

mycolor.space

colorable

colorhunt.co

0to255.com

colormind.io

color tool

css drive (upload image, generate palette)

SocMed AU purposes:

tweetgen

MeMi Message (google play and apple appstore)

TwiNote (google play and apple appstore)

Fake Call

i used to use social maker and social dummy but i can't find them anymore lol

.003 | squiggly? refer to blobmaker, getwaves, and haikei for squiggly :>

.004 | pretty themes for tumblr desktop you can search the following tumblr blogs

theme-hunter

magnusthemes

ricecodes

kosmique

.005 | how can i make my theme prettier? decorating your text posts:

coolsymbol.com

kaomoji

copy paste dividers

post dividers [making your own, tutorial using photopea] [masterlist of dividers by firefly-graphics]

how to get gradient text on tumblr posts + gradient recs

theme banners/headers:

specs of the tumblr header: 640 x 360 pixels on mobile, 3000 x 1055 pixels on desktop

premade headers: [headers by spidaerman] [headers by ridleey] [alt link] [headers by villanaelle]

.006 | how to add *that* thing to the tumblr header theme

for this part let's use canva again. the mobile theme header is 640x360px but you can totally adjust it to be bigger (but maintaining the same width to height ratio)

so let's say this is the picture you want as your header, how do we add the details at the bottom? you can pretty much get any shape you want, whether it be from canva elements or one of the sites i mentioned or any other source you have. for this tutorial let's just use the ones on canva

by scrolling through the elements portion, in this instance the lines & shapes portion, you can find a few that would work well

when you choose what you want, adjust it both size and color wise, and make sure there's a substantial enough amount of space for other details of your blog to fit (icon if you're not hiding it, blog name)

remember to save the color of the element! copy paste that hex code! or just have it somewhere where you can look back at it easily

when you're satisfied, save it! then go on tumblr -> settings -> select the blog that you want to edit

place the banner, and if you did it right it should be a perfect fit, but you can zoom in if you want! :> but wait we're not yet done! the colors don't create *that* effect yet

change the background color to match the bottom color of the header! (and the accent as and text colors as well, if you want!)

and we're done!

i think these are all the questions i've gotten so far? hopefully it helps!

#—nathchat #—nathyadvice #<- new tag lol i think i need it now #not twst related