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h0pelessromanticz · 10 months

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((Because i dont see enough of vunrable alhaitham where he breaks so im doing it myself, also note i headcanon alhaithams parents to both struggle with ASPD so they literally only raised alhaitham to act like a machine and that human emostions were treated forgin since alhaitham ended up being autistic, aka his parents werent exactly nice))

Alhaitham had arrived home late, the meeting as the grand sage he had went to had went on for way longer then he wanted. it didnt help that eariler in that week his headphones had been damaged during a fight with some mercenaries in the dessert. Alhaithams whole body felt heavy his headphones were almost a coping mechanism at this point for the poor scribe. It had 2 functions he could alter between the two, one where he'd blast music or audio booklets or the other which would drown out all sound to stop him from having what his parents called chemical imbalance tantrums. Alhaitham could feel that damn nagging in his heart that he hated so much. After all he was raised that these emostions were futile and only hindered progress, he hadn't been rasised to know that emostions were natural and that no matter how much you fight it evenetually the dam wall holding the water could only fill so much before it bursted and this week was definitely testing it. not that alhaitham was aware of that. The scibe was like a knowledge machine but completely oblivious to his own mental needs or emostinal well being.

Any time a smidge of emostion fronted its face he'd shove it right back down into the deepest depths of his subconscious. The only emostion that seemed to ever butt its head that alhaitham wouldn't shove done was the rare temper of his anger. He had learnt his lesson about bottling that up. It would front its fangs threatening to devour him like it did that one night him and his roomate kaveh fought. He had bottled it up and after that night alhaitham had never bottled up anger again. That night scared him. The way his headphones flashed red his eyes blurring into a red cloud. The way his body moved without his control. He never wanted to feel that way ever again. However he would never let anyone know and would lie to himself about it. Groaning the scribe made his way to the kitchen to make some coffee, he still had paper work to do.

In a way alhaithams grandmother was the only one to truly understand him. She saw a small child too scared to show emotions because it was met with gaslighting, dissmisal, and being wrapped up to dumb brain functions and chemicals that he needed to control. Which wasnt humanily possible, she saw a child that had been broken into believing that human nature was a waste of time. alhaithams grandmother realised that his parents before they had passed were attempting to raise a shell of knowledge, something more like a machine, then a human who had a personality and heart, so she tried to make sure that anytime he accidentally let a true human emostion slip or let out what was seen as a childish behavior that she'd express how it was okay. However the damage had already been done and his brain cemetery had already been altered it made her upset to say in the least. Especially knowing how alhaitham had been diagnosed with autism, normal human beings struggled with emostions, nevermind a child and a child with autsim. a part of her feared what alhaithams parents had verbally or mentally done to this child. Knowing how much her son lacked basic empathy and humanity.

Pouring the coffee alhaithams ears rang uncomfortably as a door slammed shut and stomping sounds could be heard. Alhaithams heart sunk but his brain rolled its eyes. The 2 sides of him had been battling it out all week. Pushing and pulling in a endless dance. Alhaitham was usually logical,usually didnt dread when his roommates temper bursted through, however he took into consideration that he also always had his headset and for some reason now that he didnt he was finding it rather difficult to be logical at points, wanting to scream out a strange bubbling feeling in his chest, new sensations were felt this week that he hadn't felt since he was a child or ever. His brain had also started behaving strangly thoughts that werent rational nor practical popped in.

He chalked it up to some chemical imbalance and would get his blood tested to see his levels and take care of it. He wasn't even thinking or processing that maybe it was his subconscious starting to snap and break away, and that his usual machine like self was actually a mask he had worn, worn for so long he had forggoten to be human or at least act himan infront of others. But that was just it ,he was still human and his body was about feed up with the years of neglect and holding every emostion under his skin. So when kaveh started to go off about something as small as him forgetting his clothes on the drying string. Alhaitham sighed tsking. Which only earned a scuff and an explosion from his roommate.

It was strange kaveh was the complete opposite. he was a ball of emostions the furthest thing from a machine or alhaitham. But that was also a dangerous game. Kaveh couldn't believe it alhaitham was ignoring him again with that dumb sigh. Oh he could just ring him a new one, he had been acting different and it threw kaveh off his game. </p>

Alhaitham attempted to leave and head towards his room before this became an argument over nothing but was stopped by an even madder blond head of hair stomping in front of him blocking his path his arms on his waist, rambling off. Alhaitham was to exhausted and his ears had began ringing loudly as he was subconsciously becoming overestimated. Unfamiliar feelings came into play. alhaitham winced a bit his ears were psychically hurting and throbbing now whenever kaveh raised his voice louder. Right he had never not had his headphones available when they had their bickers. He could usually use his headset device to lower kavehs yelling so it was at a normal level. Alhaitham was just about done as he again attempted to leave only to be slightly shoved back into place.

Usually alhaitham would let his temper get the best of him and yell something and shove past his roommate to get kaveh to back. This time it was different the way kavehs touch stung and made his heart cry out scared alhaitham. His eyes widened surprised as he started to drown out kavehs yelling. It was almost like he was teleported to his subconscious who had a younger him shaking looking at him with tear filled eyes " we cant take this anymore its killing us, were not a machine please we cant hold everything in when are you gonna let yourself grieve" alhaitham scuffed at his subconscious younger self as if to downplay and gaslight himself once again in an attempt to remain in control. "Im scared...do we even know how to be human anymore" alhaitham felt his throat tighten a lump forming. He swallows hard "what of course we do!, dont be ridiculous" his younger self morphed into a child alhaitham sobbing as he just chuckled saddly threw the sobs "then why does everyone call us a machine or a robot, why cant i identify what im feeling" alhaithams eyes widened in pure shock his puplis shook as reality set in, he...he didnt know, as if on cue kaveh screams out taking alhaitham out of his transe like state

"GOD YOU REALLY ARE THE WORST YOU KNOW THAT, YOUR IGNORING ME! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING YOU DAMN ROBOT!" kaveh clenched his teeth expecting a snark remark, a scream, something just not what happends next. Alhaitham just stood there and starts shaking. Alhaithams eyes are avoiding him? no eye contact thats not right. A small broken wobble escapes the scribes lips "stop.." kaveh wanted to lash out even more at this. what did he mean! That was until he saw the taller mans bottom lip ever so slightly quiver. This sent a shiver up the blondes spine. What was going on with haitham he had been stranger then normal all week. He gasped as he realised what he had just said looking back at the grey haired man who seemed to be clenching his jaw shut, he could see tears welling up, no that can't be right.

Alhaitham swallows hard. There it was the sentace he hated most, everyone called him a machine, a robot ,emostionless, nonhuman, self centered, psyopathic, odd. The list went on and on, the more alhaitham desperately tried to shove the emostions back down frantically the more they engulfed him pushing back like he was underwater trying to force a floating object to the bottom when all it would do was rise to the surface. Panic was starting to set in Internally. He could feel it that sting in his eyes no..no no no no this was stupid why was this so stupid really seriously now your gonna let what others have said affect you? get your shit together this is pathetic. Alhaithamwanted it to stop but it wouldn't.

"emostions are pathetic", "what are you crying about i could list some real reasons to cry or give you one" "stop this embarrassing display", "this is hindering your study sesson are you just about done now?" His parents words vibrated as they danced within his head. He was drowning, drowning silently for years and years and he hadn't relised it until he had hit rock bottom. Alhaitham walked past a shocked kaveh who seemed to be proccessing his own thoughts either way alhaitham wasnt in the state to handle it. Alhaitham made sure his pace was hurried as a feeling of dread filled him he wanted to run in that moment ,run from his emostional self because it scared him he didnt understand anything that he was feeling, other then it hurt, it hurt so bad, it wasn't enjoyable and it wouldn't stop no matter how much logic he threw at it.

Alhaitham slams his bedroom door. as he begins hyperventilating, clenching the fabic of his shirt over his heart. As he closed his eyes tightly clenching his jaw to try and stop it, anything, just make it stop. No he needed his headphones but they were getting repaired. alhaitham hit the back of his head against the door a few times in defeat he wasnt getting out of this. Oh god his parents would be so disappointed, calling him pathetic and overreactive. Alhaithams legs wobbled as he slid down the door, dropping down like a ragdoll. His lips quivered as his breathing hitched. The walls of the damn had smashed open and his vunrable nature had kicked him in the guts angery that he had neglected it that he had treated himself so poorly. His inner child screamed with raw emostions. And the only thing he could do was finally whimper out a pained noise and sobb. The rare time he did ever cry he had his grandmother, he had held it off way longer then ever before bottling things up until his body physically couldn't. But now he didnt have her by his side and god did he wish he did. His whole body racked with shakes as if holding 10 years of bottled emostions wouldn't effect him? As if constantly shoving his trauma down and childhood neglect wouldn't cause him anguish.

He desperately tried to make his way to his bed, as the world around him started to distort and feel dizzy. he honestly felt pathetic. he had managed to make it to the foot rest of his bed on the floor and pull down the blanket to cover himself with it. The floor felt so cold on the scribes bare feet that he shivered slightly. Was it actually cold or was it the panic attack he was going threw causing this. Sighing threw soft sobs he wrapped his arms around his knees hugging himself like a small child who had just had a nightmare.

"this isn't fair" he muttered to himself.

Kaveh blinked as he realised alhaitham was gone a strange feeling drawed itself up from his gut why did he want to puke why was he so anxious out of no were. Why did alhaitham look like that, his eyes why did they shine with so much pain he'd never seen on the scribes face. It scared kaveh something was wrong! very wrong he didnt fight back? he slammed the door? But him slamming a door but not appearing angry had kavehs head spinning in loops. He was shaking, alhaitham was shaking? And he swore he saw tears in the stoics eyes. Anxiously Kaveh found himself making some dinner for the scribe he felt guilty and bad for lashing out on him the moment he had came home not even asking how his roommate was fairing. Kaveh sighed as his brain let a thought escape "especially with how the man reacted this time around." He muttered to himself. Kaveh was scared he hurt the man if that was even possible.

No! kaveh shook his head alhaitham is still human and he knew that. alhaitham did have emostions. The softness of his gaze when kaveh would lay on his chest, while alhaitham read, or whenever kaveh had a hangover his gentle backrubs, the way he would get his favorite whine whenever kaveh had,had a rough week. The way..alhaitham let him live with him for practically nothing. The way alhaitham had been so busy he wasnt joining the architect to dinner or even sleeping he saw how exhausted the other look not only was he the new sage until they could find a replacement he was also still the scribe and with the accosha system being destroyed alhaithams job had become more difficult. The only thing kaveh had been doing was racking into the man all week with his own emotional bagade and lashing out on him this whole time.

Kaveh bit his lip fighting back the urge to cry himself from the guilt. Though he had come to figure out over the years that alhaitham would often get flustered, almost embarrassed any time he showed a slightly more emostional side to himself or natural behavior as if it wasnt normal. Humming in deep thought kaveh placed the food on a plate and put it on the counter. he'd just let...no he had to check up on the scribe it had been 20 minutes and it was to quite. Plus he still didnt feel right just leaving this time, usually alhaitham would get mad they'd both storm off and then both come talk to each other in the living room. Kaveh took a few steps out of the kitchen and when he walked down the hall his ears picked up on a gut wrenching sound. Sobbs, gasping breaths that were hitching. Kaveh swore his heart shattered and fell into the deepest part of his stomach he had only ever heard of alhaitham crying, a rumor, he didnt truely belive the man could cry. he wasnt there to witness it but it was after his grandmother died, which made sense but also was hard to digest for the architect.

but now standing outside his door and hearing it with his own 2 ears, made the blond nauseous with concern. He debated and fought with himself to knock, finally getting up the corage to. On one hand he wanted to run away to his room on the other hand kaveh wanted to burst the door down and hold alhaitham close. Groaning to himself in his brain he finally just does it.

3 gentle knocks were heard. "haitham?" A little pause "...hey are you okay?" It was so gentle and soft that alhaitham couldn't help but sobb harder as if being asked if he was okay broke him more. subconsciously he'd had wanted someone to care enough to ask. Kaveh heard the younger one break more. "Im...im coming in okay?" Kaveh couldn't take it he had to see the man and make sure he was okay. Alhaitham shot up as if his logical side was really trying to punt its way forth right now. Scrambling slightly to stand but his legs gave out "No! Wait!". There was a pause "haitham..you havent ate today im bringing you food" the scribe cursed to himself digging his nails into the wooden floor as his body wouldnt stop shaking. alhaitham could hear the footsteps leave his door only to retrun shortly after. the door knob rattled as the large wood chunk slowly opened. Alhaithams heart already racing from the current state he was in started to beat faster but it hurt it stung with fear.

Oh god he was going to see how pathetic he was, how childish and immature he was behaving. He was going to see him vunrable and not professional. His inner child screamed at him to shut up that this wasnt his fault and that he needed someone, asking why he was being so cruel to himself. Growling Alhaitham clenched his teeth baring them like a threatend dog as he grabbed his head pulling on his hair. This was bad he was getting that werid uncontrollable urge to become self destructive, everything was starting to spin, any sound that was made started to blast in his ears and cause constant ringing and become all just to much for him to process. His whole bodys nevres were shit and burning. Alhaitham was losing himself.

it happened alot as a kid when he had thouse meltdowns his grandmother told him it was autistic meltdowns and that he'd have them because he denied that part of himself or it often happened when the neighborhood kids bullied him or took his headset away. And here he was at its mercy as he continued to pant subconsciously trying to grasp for headphone that werent there. frantically clawing at his ears to try and bring himself back down. His body was against him now and all he could do was whimper over and over as kaveh entered the room only for the scribe to hear a soft surpised gasp as he heard the older one put the plate down on his dresser. Almost scrambling to his side.

Kaveh couldn't believe his eyes the scene in front of him tugged at heartstrings he didnt even think existed. The scribe was in complete disarray shaking and sobbing hestarically, trying to claw at himself. Kaveh found himself at the scribes side in no time. He wanted to protect alhaitham but he had no idea what was wrong. This was all foreign for him. Alhaitham wasnt the crying type or emostinal type at all. He grabbed the scribes wrist which only earned him a paniced yelp and kavehs eyes widened at just how much the other was trembling.

Kaveh cupped the scribes cheek with his other hand his thumb petting just under his eye. As he coooed out reasuring words "hey..hey its okay look at me.. your okay...sh shshshsh" alhaitham just made a heartbroken sound his head lowering as he almost curled into himself "hey hey hey, whats going on?" Kaveh made sure his voice was as gentle and soft as he could manage. The other didnt reply his eyes looked so scared, and his body wouldn't stop shaking. kaveh pulled the other closer to him his hands gripping alhaithams arms pushing them to alhaithams side as he looked at him worried fear painted on his face.

In that moment as soon as kaveh touched alhaitham the scribe broke and bursted out painful sobbs "im sorry...im sorry" kaveh obviously was shocked and panicked a little "hey hey hey nonono haitham you dont need to apologize okay" he was confused why was haitham apologizing he was the one who was trying to egg him on in an argument and called him a machine.

Alhaitham looked up at kaveh a emostion that shouldnt never be on anyones face painted the scribes nevermind the new sages face.

" i..im sorry i dont mean to act like...to be a emostinonless, heartless bastard..i didnt ask to be this way...i im sorry for being like a robot ....im sorry.. i dont know!" He yelled out shaking his head his voice cracked and his bangs falling in front of his face as the architect held his wrists " i dont know what im feeling! ,i dont know whats going on! and its hurting i..it hurts so much dammit and it wont stop!..im scared" alhaitham had almost whispered out that last part as kavehs lips quivered at the sight infront of him " i dont know whats happening, i cant breath, i cant think straight, and the only thing my body wants to do is cry and shake" the scribe stuttered out in broken sobbs his wobbled voice uneven. Kaveh pulled alhaitham into a hug tightly placing his chin on the grey set of hair as if protecting alhaitham from the world. "Shshshsh your not a machine, im so sorry i said that i thought... you were ignoring me..or that you were just grumpy and im so sorry, your not heartless you have a big heart, i dont care if anyone thinks differently i know you. Im sorry if i had looked harder i could have noticed that you weren't okay this week and im sorry i never noticed. Im sorry i lashed out on you". Alhaitham shook and gripped onto his senoirs clothes hiding his face in shame into the others shoulder.

Kaveh frowned. "Your having a breakdown, have you had one this bad before?" alhaitham shook his head. " kaveh then thought to ask "did you even know you were having one?" Alhaitham shook his head "...the fact you dont know that....do you not allow yourself to feel things?" Alhaitham shook his head again and it made kaveh tear up as he ran his hand threw the youngers grey hair. What the hell what normal human being would...then again alhaitham wasnt normal.

"haitham...why? I know your not typically the emostional type but...didnt you ever cry as a child?".

Alhaitham tsked and cleared his throat. "i dont know how to express myself...i was never allowed to...it wasn't correct...if i did it was not becoming if i cry it was called pathetic". Kaveh bit his bottom lip all this time he never knew alhaithams story. "My grandmother was the only one who let me feel things, but even then i was already older...i only knew one thing basic surival and studying..i only know how to hold knowledge yet i lack basic human skills" kavehs heartbroke again hearing alhaitham saddly chuckle and just sobb. he pulled the scribe even closer almost cradling him as he just rocked alhaitham in his arms kissing his head gently over and over again.

"Im so sorry, your allowed to express yourself with me i wont judge ever again i promise, im here." Kaveh cupped the scribes face his nose nuzzeling into the grey hair.

"Im here for you my little grey dove". Alhaitham stopped crying for a split second a small gasp escaping him as if that nickname broke away the chains that binded him oh so tightly. Alhaitham started wailing into his roommates chest. Shutting his eyes tightly.

Kaveh had also began crying, he had no idea just how much this man was hiding. So he wasn't like this on purpose this whole time he had his roomate plauged out so wrong. Kaveh held alhaitham tightly that night and let the man sobb years of bottled up shit out of his system. Petting and playing with alhaithams hair in a means to comfort him. eventually the scribe had exhausted himself sobbing himself to sleep and kaveh sighed, he'd put the food away and he could have it once he woke up. When kaveh came back he picked up alhaitham bridal style and placed alhaitham in the bed. he noted that he was lighter then normal. So he really hadn't been doing good this week, he's lost weight. Tsking he goes to leave only for a weak voice to beg him to stay and stay he did holding the vunrable alhaitham in his arms as they both drifted to sleep. That night kaveh promised himself he'd never call alhaitham a robot or a machine ever again.

#alhaitham #kavehtham #kaveh #haikaveh #fanfic #genshin fic #haikavehfic #kavehthamfic #angst #writers on tumblr #fanfiction writer #genshin impact #genshin

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thesnailkiwi · 8 months

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1, 2, 8, 12, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, and 25 for traffic life?

1. The character everyone gets wrong

Okay, see, I know people have different ideas and opinions and headcannons, but OH. MY. GOSH. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED.

The MCYT fandom makes me want to scream half the time. I'm gonna say it. Everyone gets BadBoyHalo wrong. Skeppy, Tommyinnit, JSchlatt, Stressmonster, Niki, and a bunch more, too. Half the time I want to explode in this fandom, so I stick with fanart, unless it's flower husbands. Because most FH shippers can read the characters well.

Musical theatre. People always (well, okay, not *always*) get Heather McNamara wrong when acting. I've seen so many awful versions. And Jenna Rolan from Be More Chill, especially when writing fanfic. Though, lemme tell you, all the characters in Be Less Single (BMC dating sim fan game) were spot on. Perfect, I tell you.

2. Compelling argument why my fave would never top or bottom

OKAY SO LISTEN UP, FUCKERS. MICHAEL MELL IS A SWITCH AND I STAND BY THAT.

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

8. Common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about

I'm overthinking. This could either mean opinions ABOUT fandom or fandom discourse. I'm assuming the latter.

I dunno man. I don't pay attention much to other people's opinions. I mean, if they badmouth my blorbos, I will have a compelling argument why the are the best being to exist. Headcannon-wise? I mean, okay, I really don't want this taken the wrong way *at all*. But I don't like it when people include [insert character] is trans/queer/pronouns/mental disability if it doesnt have anything to do with the fafic/story that's being told. I understand if you project or write a vent fic or whatever, because those are things to get out of your brain, or if you headcannon this or that, I get it. But if it has no relevance at all to the story, *if it isn't even mentioned*, DONT PUT IT IN THE GODDAMN TAGS.

It's not really a heated opinion, but I needed that out there.

I don't really like to shit on other people's headcannons. But if the opinion is "glup shitto is a bad character", OR FUKIGN WHATEVER THE FUCK THE MCYT SPACE DID TO NIKI, then I will fight you.

WAIT WAIT DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON TOMMYINNIT X HERMITCRAFT. OR TOMMYINNIT X EMPIRES. UGH. I HATE IT SO MUCH.

12. The unpopular character I like and everyone else hates

Okay. Listen. Purpled. Barely anyone paid attention to that guy because he wasn't a "main character" (there were none in the DSMP, people.) And everyone doesn't like his character after what he did to Slime. But I feel like he's a super deep character that gets overlooked. Quackity literally blew up his house and forced him to go live in Las Nevadas. Quackity also took a lot more from him, too. And when he killed/kidnapped Slime, he was projecting and let all of his grief out on the thing that Quackity cared about, since everything Purpled loved was taken from him.

17. There should be more of this type of fic/art

Okay okay okay. But like, guys. Coffee shop au's. It's simple, right? It's one of the most well known. BUT JESUS, BMC FANDOM, THERE ARE LIKE 5 TOTAL ON AO3. SOULMATE ONES, TOO.

Speaking of soulmates, the Hermitcraft/Life series doesn't have that many non-canon function ones. Like, I want to see timers. Or strings. Or the characters see color for the first time. Or the place their soulmate touches them first changes colors. There's not many.

18. It's absolutely criminal the fandom has been sleeping on...

The MCYT fandom has been sleeping on a bunch of damned bricks, don't even get me started.

There's too much to put for the MCYT fandom.

The BMC fandom has been sleeping on the wholeass line of "If Christine likes me in the end, will I be able to pretend I didn't fail my one real friend?" And all of the hidden stuff in the music. Like how in the broadway version, in The Play, the backtrack plays LGW when Jeremy gives Christine the Mtn Dew Red.

19. I'm mad/ashamed/horrified that I like...

I'm not answering this one. I apologize, but these heinous words do not need to be said to the entire world.

22. The favorite part of Canon everyone ignores

MCYT: everyone ignores smaller creators and literally the entire Canon. So all of it.

BMC: okay, listen, the silver hair the squip has is an absolute banger, okay??? And let's talk about that entire couch scene where Christine rejects Jeremy.

23. The ship I'm unwillingly coming around to

Majorwood. Kill me. I hate it so much omg but like, it slaps.

25. Annoying common fandom complaint

Uh, guys, it's okay to like the Era when ranboo and tubbo were friends. It's not taboo. I still go back and watch vods.

Sorry that one genuinely pisses me off whenever I see people like, "I wish that never happened". Like, guys, don't ignore important parts of what got ranboo to who he is and where he is today. Educate the young boobers. It's not wrong to like when two people are friends.

Then I hate it when people complain about shipping convex and are like "they're brothers!" No, they're not. That's your headcannon, not mine. Same with Grian and Jimmy. They aren't brothers. You can ship them if you want, just don't make it weird.

Anyway, thank you as per usual for sending me the ask, trash the beloved

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magpigment · 8 months

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duck or ape by roar and i dont wanna die by the unicorns are SUCH good songs for william my god!! i already had those songs on my radar but man do they fit him. Also i would love to hear any and or all of your reasoning for your william playlist!! 👁

this got longer than i thought and i still didn’t finish it so i might go back to this at some point and expand upon or add certain things BUT for now, enjoy!

ok so! not all of these will have explanations, and some will only have explanations, but most will have lyrics that specifically remind me of wiwi and a brief explanation. hope this is cohesive enough!

william wisp:

dead now by forrest day

ok listen. listen listen listen. this entire song? literally william to a T.

'Save the rest for another day like this Your mind has gone blank, you're dead now You're dead now

The flames I lack, maybe never coming back Under attack, I'm dead now I'm dead now

You creep, you've grown too cold to sleep Your eyes grow wide, you're such a creep You've reaped, you've sown, your own you keep You creep, you freak, you've blown it

You're alone, you're alone, you're alone, you're alone You're alone, you'rе alone, you're alone, you'rе alone [cont.]

All right, you've grown too old to fight Your life is shown in different light You laugh and toast your final night You laugh too late, you've blown it'

this entire song fits not only his first death but his slow loss of function over the next few years and his general uncanny effect on other people and how they perceive him AND how he perceives himself. i cant even articulate how much this song IS HIM in my brain.

momento mori by fish in a birdcage

'Like a muzzled hound I'm tied and bound A wild beast crying for release I want my mouth so I may howl And share with silence of the trees Ashes to ashes dust to dust Filling up my coffee cup One way to shake me up I never wanted to sleep My bones became a drip Now that I've had my sip After a little taste I never wanted to sleep'

ONE: wolves. TWO: in my head this is more or less how he never wanted his powers, much less to die for them, and how he tries to cope w them after the fact

oh! starving by car seat headrest

'Goodbye, secret files When I'm gone, all this information will die'

'Cats crawl into gutters Just at the sight of me You guys got mad skills I just got mad (I'm not happy unless I'm unhappy)'

this bit specifically is very william to me, because like. especially in early seasons he was pretty vocal about his view of himself as just some guy vs dakota and vyncent, with his powers not being some grand thing and his own struggles with heroism and morality. you guys got mad skills is to me about how he views dakota and vyncent, and i just got mad is about how his own abilities only ever served to make him worse off and how he feels like he could never use his own powers for good things (ep31-35 for reference)

i hate living by car seat headrest

'I wish I was drunk I wish I weren't here I need to be more drunk Or be less here And when the cops came Hiding in the back of the closet And these people would not stop laughing They could not shut their mouths Oh Wasn't I the life and soul? No no no'

'You wouldn't think having a good time Would be so goddamn hard You wouldn't think having a good time Would be so goddamn hard You overthink, you don't have a good time You just wait for it to end You don't think you'll ever try something as Meaningless as this ever again'

the comfort of a laugh track by roar

Why is it so hard to speak To people I don't know Is it something that you learn When constantly alone? When did I become a man Trapped inside a ghost?'

'If you could only see me now I know I'd disappoint somehow I'm stuck inside a fantasy Where I could be all you would need'

'Will I live in shame of the things in the past that I should have done for you? And is it possible to forgive all the ignorant ones if they're just too young?'

'Fake love, yeah, you know you'll be truly missed Fake love must be some kind of abstinence Let's not make much more out of all of this Let's not, but we still can pretend we did'

poor grammar by roar

'I can't see you when I need to How am I supposed to get through? Method-actor, suffering Try repeating once again, this time with feeling Premeditated like some sick joke Waited all night for you Waited all night for you'

to me this entire song really fits william and vyncent

duck or ape by roar literally this entire song. self explanatory lmao

nights like these by pigeon pit honestly this song just gives me the vibes of the three prime defenders just being traumatized kids and comforting each other and stuff, or specifically during the timeskip when it was just will and vyncent just trying to cope, and then dakota trying to find his place with them again after he gets back.

saintly rows (oh oh) by dear and the headlights OK SO. RELIGIOUS TRAUMA WHO?? not to mention the entire song heavily uses death and religious metaphor near interchangeably, and ghosts are used largely as that metaphor. it lends itself very well to his religious upbringing (even if it's not a super large focal point of his character but clearly both his parents are religious, his first idea for his superhero suit had religious imagery which he ended up not going with, and he, with dubious canon implication, has some sort of actual physical aversion to various religious artifacts or rituals such as bibles and praying, along with how much focus charlie puts on the fact that william keeps bringing up that there is no god) which is super super interesting to me. also the song has several allusions to being unable to sleep, paranoia, loss of oxygen and by extension the ability to breathe, 'Caskets for hands bury your plans right next to your songs', 'Out come the gaunt ghosts of your thoughts,' and generally being plagued by some sort of ghostly figures which cause paranoia which in william's case could be the wisps or some sort of extension to how he perceives himself. either way i think the song fits a lot!

im not crying. youre not crying, are you? by dear and the headlights

'Did the seesaw nights put their hands on you? I can't really say, I can't really say Are you swinging from the eaves in a tasteful noose? I can't really say, I can't really say'

in my mind this section fits with how he died the first time, following the wisps in the woods and falling and not wanting to fully admit to himself that he died that night

'You're following a flashlight down utility halls And then you mumble to yourself that this has all been your fault And oh, you're not laughing, you're not laughing, are you?'

this fits with his incessant need to solve mysteries and his tendency to blame himself

'Then the howls and moans pour from the black and it's a sea of blank faces straight to the back Aggressively mediocre in every single way Yet you're the only reason that they came'

this fits with when they went to the spirit world, his own identity crisis and his feelings of inadequacy in comparison to the rest of the team, and being unable to rectify that his own abilities help, and that even without them his friends would still want him around the rest is just like. vibes? and scenes in my head lol.

harness your hopes - b side by pavement

'And the freaks have stormed the White House I moved into a lighthouse It's on a scenic quay, it's, oh, so far away Far away from the beginning, the shroud is made of linen The yearling took the purse, the goth kid has a hearse Heart-breaking, earth-quaking'

'Minds wide open truly Leisure, a leisure suit is nothing It's nothing to be proud of in this late century And I'm asking you to hold me just like the morning paper Pinched between your pointer, your index and your thumb It's a semi-automatic, believers are ecstatic You see the way they cling, the cold metallic sting And I'm living in a coma for Donna de Varona The harness made of hopes, the lovers on the ropes Nun is to church, as the parrot is to perch And my heart's wide open Truly'

i dont wanna die by the unicorns

'I spotted the glow over the mountain, tonight My turn to turn in just when the weather's getting nice I predict: I die in a plane crash I see it now, I die in a car on tour And there's no one to stop this Nobody to loosen death's firm grip on me Doo doo doo doo I die It's true Doo doo doo doo I die And so do you My prophecy is almost complete My finger's on the pulse (But where's the beat?) We don't wanna die in the ocean (Drifting out to sea) We don't want to die in our sleep (-ing bags) DEATH: buckle up boys, we're going for a little ride Death! I just want one more breath! Can you grant me one more please?'

all the dying by mother mother

this entire song just fits him very well i think? especially with his upbringing in deadwood being able to see things that werent there and being able to see ghosts, and how prevalent death was in his life from even before he died

NOT TO MENTION ITS ALSO LIKE HOW HE VIEWS HERO SOCIETY AND HEROISM AS A WHOLE. and his general viewpoint on his own powers and his disdain for his powers especially in association with mallard etc etc

'When I see the damned in their dire straights Damning all the men with those american names I said don't damn the man, damn your hand For makin' a fist and shaking it all around Damn the hand, damn your hand Oh, you can damn the butchers and damn the beef Oh, you can damn the flies in all the heat Or you can damn the dying and dying and dying ♪ Dying and dying and decomposing Dying and dying's for real Dying and dying and pounds of posy Dying and dying's forever When I hear the crying of a siren in the night I think of piles of writhing people, fighting for their lives I see an image of a body, broken and beet red I hear the acappella angels singing for the dead I think of all the butchers and all the beef I think of all the flies in all the heat I think of all the dirt that lays a bed for bones I think of all the words that get written on the stones I think of all the surf that come crashing over souls I think of all the dying'

figure in the background by snake pool rather self explanatory methinks

friendly neighborhood poltergeist by rory webley

self explanatory also, but imo this fits very well with williams crush on vyncent

villains pt1 by emma blackery

'So I'll go I'm better off alone Run and tell them that the villains on my list They're the reason I've been pulled so low Monster, monster, I feel like such a monster Tell them I've been saved But the devil walks amongst ya, amongst ya I'll be the ghost the haunts ya You've seen my demons but you weren't really supposed to You've got me locked up but I'm not like you I'll be my own escape route, you know I'll get you caught up Got my attention I'll make you my victim'

'I don't feel anything Because I became possessed and obsessed With the idea of revenge Where you going now? Everybody's looking at you 'Cause you set yourself on fire just to light up the room'

youre not welcome by naethan apollo

'I can't believe you used to truly scare me You were like a ghost story told to keep me weary But I never listened, no, I slept good 'til morning And when our paths finally crossed, I didn't heed the warning Then push, push, push, push Yeah, you pushed me to the edge I used to dread the thought of falling quickly But now I just wish that you'd send me off that ledge So I can finally fucking take you with me'

basically this can be about his tumultuous relationship with the wisps, mallard conway, or the hero agency as a whole, or a mix of the three! however, i mostly associate this segment with his tie with the wisps and how badly mallard wants him to embrace it (especially the 'i used to dread the thought of falling quickly' because of how william died the first time, and then the 'now i just wish youd send me off that ledge' with him falling down the slope of morality in e31-33)

dead! by my chemical romance

'And if your heart stops beating I'll be here wondering Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life And if you get to heaven I'll be here waiting, babe Did you get what you deserve? The end, and if your life won't wait Then your heart can't take this Have you heard the news that you're dead? No one ever had much nice to say, I Think they never liked you anyway'

'Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand? And wouldn't it be great if we were dead? And in my honest observation During this operation Found a complication in your heart, so long 'Cause now you've got (now you've got) Maybe just two weeks to live Is that the most the both of you can give?'

'If life ain't just a joke Then why are we laughing? If life ain't just a joke Then why am I dead? Dead!'

grave digger by matt maeson

'I can't run to you, Father I need love ♪ I can't talk to you, Mother I know it's got you caught up But your sweet sinless sensation is not my style And I'm not giving up But tell me if I run away How long will I bleed? Tell me if I run away How long will I bleed? ♪ Colors blend They're all black and white ♪ Goddamnit, I cannot bend I'm all shriveled inside'

'Ain't no point in tryna pick-a me up when I'm down Yeah, you can stick out your hand And you can lean towards the ground I'll be tryna suck all of the liquid out the dirt Tryna catch a curve Digging my own grave'

hand me my shovel, im going in by will wood and the tapeworms

'My soul was crushed like a tall boy Underneath the boots on the curb And I'm still picking up my molars And putting them back in my face My name was soiled by a last call spill With a backwash swill and the blackout killed me Sober on impact from a fall from grace Take the road on higher ground And tell me, "Don't look down, you'll fall and break your back" But that just reminds me how there's more to be found beneath the black! This is not enough This is not enough to prove it yet No, I need to hit the bottom This is not enough This is not enough to prove it yet No, I need to hit the bottom (Gotta get to the bottom of this) (Gotta get to the bottom of this) (Gotta get to the bottom of this) Take you with me'

'Looking up, we see the point of entry Between where we are and we've been Looking down, I could say Heaven sent me Hand me my shovel, I'm going in!'

'Gotta gotta gotta get, gotta get, gotta get Gotta get to the bottom of this If it kills me!'

this entire song describes william's need to solve mysteries to a T dude.

hope this made some iota of sense, and sorry for the lack of explanation on most, i just couldn’t figure out a way to properly articulate it 😭 anyway hope you enjoyed lol, i’d love to hear others thoughts and additions if they have any!

#dandy talks #jrwi #jrwi spoilers #jrwi prime defenders #jrwi william #william wisp

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solardick · 2 months

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So i walked past this girl today. Whike getting coffee and she gave me attitude as she walked oast ne cause i wasn’t oogling her. Yup. I hate life.

You werent that pretty girl. Youre too overdone. And im pretty sure ive been dosed with soemthign again. Becaus ei have no drive and all i can feel is my rectum. Its disturbing. Like i soend all night beign fucked while unconscious. Maybe its prostate cancer. And im about to become impotent.

Sorry, no life for you. You are now abject. From everything.

Thinkbill complete the imf course and then apply to the training course. And then boom.

How long does it take to die from prostate cancer.? …. Awh. Its not very good. High chance of survival. Naw, im peeing fine.

Awh, what happened to ted lasso? It’s all a chick drama. Fuck season two. The forst season was great. Skip to the end of season. Whats the outcome?

Clench clench clench clench. Muscle gonna get sore.

Guess im never gonna know what not feeling abused is like. In a world thats hypes peace and love. What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe its the pine apple. Or the “dominance of venus aspects with transiting mars. They are stealing mars from me. The whole controling projectstions thing they do day in and day out.

So what to do with all this time off? Too much co trol and oppresion to be able to fucntion anyeay.

Of course. Ted lasso gors from supper positive, proactive and supportive and motivational to season two of a feminine drama to season three of homosexuality. Touch media. Keep uo the brain eashing.

I need a ciggarette. Keep my idealized depression going and gove me an upper to whatever brain chemical produces functional behavior. And more unatural weather varying 25+ degrees a week. Right god? Or ehatever they doing to the weather.

Oh and its a day for crows. Waiting to devour ny fucken soul.its like a giant turd. Spreading out its arms wanting to hug you.

In going to go hang out at work. 20+ years of solitude and debasemment have left me insane. To be alone. So we take to mars and we go to venus.

So the baseball manager is fired and,

So the girl is gone. Maybe it was the devil card that did it. I did everything right. Guess we had near exact aspects. Guess she couldn’t handle me reflecting back her own bs. It was so nicely done too. Cause i gave it to the guy that she used to flirt with to hurt me, to give to her.

Alright whos the next girl? Im starting to win these. And since ive already been raped thi k it may be safe now. For other pwoole to mind therir OWN FUVKING BUSINESS.

Oh look that girl just gave me a nod of approval.

Should have seen their faces when i showed up and said yeah, i’d rather be here then watching gay tv. All of their faces sunk and showed disposition. Bunch of queers. And well for ted lasso was pretty much the experience i was being guided through at the time of its release. From a new start full of motivation. To a drasic change of queer bs. And then they raped me. Well atleast the forst season is safe. Im gonna binge that until its memorized. And i can role play as him.

Civilization only looks like a simulation because is lot f eats it is. It is basses asround sn organized script witH its own mathematical laws emdeded into the vary fabric of society. Took generations to perfect. Its an artificial plan for an artificial life. Robotics.

Whatever. Ive been being treated sexually since i was 6 years old. Your fucken system stile everything from me even childhood. I dont want to be alive anymore. And then family stole my you g adulthood and now they are dtealing my maturity. Theres not a dtate in my life where i dont get fucked over.

Ok so Russians and war. Current dialogue says to refrain from russian influence. That they are an enemy to the current state of affairs and are being a real irritate to the peace and dove agenda of the wanting wor’d order. Its curious in comparison that the films releases here say, that plugging into artificial reality is discouraged. Attention needs to be paid to reality. Focus and attention on real world matters is suggested. This also in line to “covid” as does sword art alone. The japenesse series places thr timing of its event on 2022. Wile being released to the public on 2012. Shows a trap in virtual reality, while all reasoning is to escape the imprisonment. Eventual the protagonists do. But remain there afterwards. With the use of free will and choice. And the american film. 2012. Shows a world being swallowed by the ocean.

If one goes to, or went to duolingo and chose russian the first word they learn is stupid. With in this bubble of conditioning. Any attempt to move forwards in the strengthening the proactive use “masculinity” towards the power of logo. Is discouraged. Subject must needs divergence from natural script. Taken out and drowned in lies.

Trying at outmost to steal the only connection one had left. All good will. And the presence of god guiding me true. When the atmoshpere turns and is impregnated eith meaning. And if one fallows it. leads to the wondrous. Uplifting stabilizing kiss of an angel.

It’s, fucken miraculous.

I hope a get to see her again. It feels my heart with intimacy. Hahah only from an angel.

It does feel like a turd. Well they are selling turd toys. Hot to catch them young.

Just got to live a life of being forced to be dissatisfied. Dont get want you want, dont get what you need, you dont get a say.

Hmm feel those muscles.

And no to becoming a desire driven invalid. That knows no bounds. Nope. I cut that thread it was nothing but evil and death. Haunted by the family and all these supporters. I was born in hell. Thats all there is. With their gross shit encrusted finger grappling on to me. Got to create a new emergence scene, one away from the evil feminine and the degenerate, delinquent masculine. Into the abscence of bs with the effeminate. Same script. Almost died. Didn’t matter.

Quit watching tv or gaming. Out effort in repairing myself, still under constant destabilizing pressures. But then i was lured and guided to walmart. And its pisces capital. All motivation being sent towards acquirement. Haha. Framing my disposition towards their goals. Making sure im a wreck. Set up experiences. As desperation grew ever more towards that peace of angel or just even a mutual back and forth. Nothign matters. Continue the show. Where do i go? What do i see? What do i feel?

Who am i here to please?

So we will fallow through on the opportunity to de-toxify. Think about shape. Work on healthier habits. And then. I lose everything and have to start over again.

When i stop feeling my ass. That be great. Im not sure if a need to take a shit or take a dick. Or if their both the same thing. I aint fucken ifentifying with that. Mars venus meecury mars venus mercury. So many positive relastionship aspects and here i am alone. Ass tingling. Fantastic. Guess their never going to stop. Think i might need some medication soon. Like an anti depressant. Theuy’d bever give me a gun though.

But at any rate. When it comes to designing a deck. Using a preset. Writing out a list of power words and attaching to them images one would like to see. And then setting them to script. Add in numerology. Namely the law of the scriptless. And attch that to the calendar. With trued attaention of the clock. A triple layer. The forth layer consist of “surface appearance” and the various association that can be implicated.

From this the mind can pick up various interconnected patterns. Swaying through layers to near 500 000 posibilities. 27 to the power of four.

That be fun.

There’d have to be a rule for the stance of each letter depending on its position in the power word. As if the E-fool was kept. All words starting with E. E is a complex number. It extends at length to an infinite object. Whether. Its a stop sign or a go. Remember there are no go signs. Ever. Is a power word. It includes all. Or excludes all. Never ever. Every- thing-one-body-time.. Extend. Extinguish. Endeavour. And one may see the difference the second letter fallowing E has in shaping to harmony. Though i dislike how endeavour starts with an end. Like end favour.

Which is…. Cool, considering the E card for the above is found inside the Emperor. Standing for letter F. One can fallow the predesvribe order. And focus on changing the image itself of the emperor to the scripts antagonist. Since you know Fuck, is an Ever word. And fail. Fall. Feel, fleet, fly, finger. Fish flow. Fact. Fun. So F isnt so Fun at the 4th level word. Or so dumb crap like that. Its late im tired. And my ass is still “sensible.” Im afraid to go near it.

Hm, guess the only thing i was ever ment to focus on in life was sex. 6 years old. Not allowed not to be. Its just keeps coming from without. Wtf, right? I dont know. Theyre jsut going to keep doing it. And i may be out of a job again. Because people wont leave me be. I dont want to get drunk and killmyself. Thats a shitty way to go. Id rather a gun.

Its time to send me a sexy Adreian. All chill and relax and sensous. Fill me up good. All inknownis sex drigs and violence. Indont knwo anythign else. Im not allowed to. Ive never felt loved before. Not from a person. Only my angel. Only from an animal.

My butt is gonna be so tight. He’s gonna love it. Im no stranger to the dick i was born and bred for this shit. Over 30 years training. You’ll never go back. Oh rats. I finished on pussy. God dammed it.

Thank you lord, god and father. For being there for all results. May your graceful light dance on the wind and kiss my cheek. Awh, i blush lord, god and father. Be you a presence of obtained bounty in mine air.

Amen.

I can prey better then you can mother fuckers.

Or like P for the hanged man, hanging there. Its head, aburst with light. Happy little guy. Poor poor hanging penis. Its tied there. Just a little snip.

Yeah’ my doctor snipped me. Wifey doesn’t like the downlow process of pairing plastic. And no more kids! Am I right?” O dont know my life is beign wasted away in an artifical program to turn me into a women for beign intentionally destabilized? Well hate to beat you to the punch but your thirty years too late. I fixed that shit. That shit was wrong. And i know its not my fault. And it still osnt now. Wow. Look at that. Its true what they say about reach arounds. Uh. I mean come arounds.

Truth in misery and all that.

Maybe if the world stoped killing my “prayers” id post soemthign other than bs.

Awh yeah. I think my gas broke. I got a shit baby to deliver.

🤷🏻‍♂️

#Spotify

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maximuswolf · 1 year

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Automated Pourover setup for home is complete (for now)

Automated Pourover setup for home is complete (for now) I think I am done for a bit. I am thoroughly impressed by the Ratio 8.I had been avoiding it because of what seemed like a high price, but looking at all the lesser machines I wasted time and money with, I wish I bought it sooner., The Ratio 8 is built like a tank, simplicity in action, and makes a perfect cup. I've tried it with Chemex filters and its inset, Hario V60, kalita wave, Kalita classic, a Kone stainless steel mesh, and more. If you pay attention you can agitate, or just let it do its thing. The only thing I would want to add is a autostart timer, but I could see how this might break up the aesthetic.Pictured setup:Fellow Ode Grinder Gen 2 (awaiting/debating the sold-out SSP burrs)Acaia Pearl SBottomless Scale and MIIR canisterVarious Fellows CanistersW&P Porter full ceramic lined tumblerRatio 8 thermal in matte black on ebonized wood.Others I still use:My classic setup is a weighted and timed hand pourover adding in a fellow EKG and simple carafe, but sometimes I dont have all the time to do it and want a coffee now.Orphan Lido 3 hand grinder - still the best for getting a grind exactly where I want it and replicating it laterBaratza Encore - this thing won't die, burrs still look good, at the officeBonavita BV1800 Brewer -- not bad actually, just ugly. Made coffee only slightly less good than the Breville list below. Good for my office space.Things I've owned but no longer use:Breville Precision Brewer with pourover insert -- this was broken by movers but was a very good machine TBH. It looks like all thing Breville which wasn't really my style. I almost bought another but glad I took the leap to the Ratio.Technivorm moccamaster -- So wanted this to make good coffee and it just doesn't for me. Cannot dial it in for a single large cup or for a pot. I like the switch setup (thermal carafe), but hated pouring with that same carafe; would spill at the end no matter what. Would not buy it again.Brim coffee maker -- looks nice, but hot garbage. Horrible hotplate design, cheap glass carafe, thin insulation, and made horribly burned plastic tasting coffees over and over again. Should never have bought it.Breville Smart Grinder Pro -- Nice enough with fairly consistent grind, no need for its bean hopper, never used any timing function on it. Loud and messy.Baratza Sette -- bought when first came out. Didn't do well for pourover, messy, weight/timing inconsistent, sent it backFor the future:I have the space and the clearance from my spouse to upgrade again -- I have a full espresso setup for her in another room. The next level will be a plumbed combined bar in my kitchen. I really want a Marco SP-9 for pourover, a font with cold/hot/sparkling, and a La Spaziale S1 Dream.Thanks for readinghttps://preview.redd.it/y94wb9ppmtca1.jpg?width=1600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=795faf988e340eb4819e8c33207a4018e3486176 Submitted January 18, 2023 at 08:34AM by B1Pilot https://ift.tt/XLZdimx via /r/Coffee

#IFTTT #reddit

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yatiso · 2 years

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i have today off wanted to catch up on the things on my personal to do list that ive been pushing off for like two months instead im stressing myself out lying in bed picking my skin and listening to bjork 👍

#🫶#i need coffee to get started but i refuse to bc i dont want to go downstairs and talk to family #took my morning adderall but its simply not enough anymore #i woke up before actually waking up and had an anxiety attack i just dont know how to function!#the way i want to function and know works does not format into this house or i wont let it either way. i hate it here #but i want to spend today alone being personally productive so im not gonna ask my friends to hang out #instead i shall suffer a sleepy girls shallow sadness self succumbed to

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in-a-trans-like-state · 4 years

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are there people who regularly wake up feeling idk refreshed and rearing to go?

cos like occasionally I'll feel energised or motivated about something but most of the time if there weren't consequences all I want is to get back into bed

#bursting with engery #energy #super rare actually feel #though that's normally late at night when I can't sleep or are having an anxiety attack #and like ive never done anything with that even if it feela kinda manic #anyway idk how common this is and how much is my depression #or if there's like something wrong with me other than mental illness #i know i need about 10 hours sleep to really function #like people are out there surviving on 6hours or less?#im like i didn't sleep at all last night when I get 7hrs #maybe i should just drink more coffee?#cos i hate coffee and dont drink it #i speak

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purplespaceace · 3 years

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very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

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