#neuroses

[pb-dot]

I get the impression that a lot of creators are scared that people won't like their work, the ever-present specter of Haters haunting their dreams of artistic expression. Me? I'm mostly afraid of indifference, writing one of those books that you read and go "Huh, that sure was a book," or even worse, one you look at the dust cover of, think "Yeah, that sounds alright" and then leave in the bookstore because it didn't seem that spectacular and your TBR is already overflowing.

#writing #writeblr #bookblr #neuroses

[notwiselybuttoowell]

Me: [desires special form of credit, even if I realise my efforts are relatively worthy without it]

Me: [receives said credit, is briefly delighted, then decides actually maybe I don't deserve it] 🙃

#neuroses

[toiathoughts]

#autos #aesthetic #art #rap #rj city #notas de vida #reflexões #neuroses

[prayerlocket]

the infinite content mill

my journey into the bowels of ambient music album uploads on youtube has led to this video popping up in my recs the other day.

it was a good playlist, for the first hour. i really liked the opening song. then the next hour hit, and one of the songs sounded uncannily similar to that first song. i listened back, and it was the same song. the song after it sounded the same too – the one that felt like a continuation of the first song. as the two hour mark approached, i paid attention to whether that same song showed up again, and it did. and then the next song did too. the playlist must loop every hour, for five hours, though this particular video broke at around the 2h34m mark. i clicked some other videos on this channel. they all seem to start on different points, yet the songs feel the same. i saw that the channel was currently premiering a new video, with 11 people currently watching. i clicked it. the video was currently playing that same song, which then led into that same followup. and i lost my mind a little.

i don't know how to explain this feeling. i feel finger family video feelings, and like i've become entrenched in this generation's type of homogeneous glut. i feel blog farm feelings, writing my mind can't put together, and like there's mountains of anonymous content that nevertheless has a source yet is easy to treat as if it doesn't. i feel connection bereft of identity.

but i liked it, though…

#video #music #nikki #dark ambient #neuroses #Youtube

[todaysthinks]

Bad place lessons, and the fear that achieving self-awareness is what signals to the universe that it's time for a person to die

Start time: 1:36a.

In this blog I talk about all sorts of dark stuff- death, drugs… mostly those. Reader beware.

The title of this journal entry is dark but it reverberates. When I allow myself to sit with the bad place and let the spider web of imagined crises play all the way out, I get to the end, which generally is a lesson I need to commit to practice. Even though the crisis spider webs sprout all sorts of alarming content, the insecurity always comes to the surface during the instances where I don’t try to yank myself out of it. The ultimate nugget of fear that’s running the show stems from a good old fashioned fear of not being able to control the manner of my death.

To sum up the next few paragraphs for all the dads in my life reading this, I begrudgingly recognize the lesson: Either I can be scared, or I can be prepared. Yeah. That’s the first half of what this title will circle back to.

I used to add on, “and let go of the things you can’t control,” but I’ve dropped that segment because it seems built-in. I am clever, and I hope that in a situation where I needed to think fast and craft a solution from whatever resources are around me, I would have more of a chance than I give myself credit for. Maybe an unavoidable tragedy will still happen, but maybe I up my chances of survival if I can think quickly and be resourceful under pressure.

If I had it my way, I wouldn’t see my death coming and it would be instantaneous, probably the same as everyone else. I dread the hormones that will pump through me when it is my time, and I have the “Oh my god, this is it,” deer-in-headlights moment. Like if I’m driving, late night, doing everything right, and suddenly a car is coming at me head-on. I have a recurring bad place penultimate scenario that I always end up going to- that I’m driving hurriedly at night while it’s raining. I’m rushing away from something. And suddenly a car comes plowing out of a neighborhood block and smashes right into my driver side. I experience “the moment” and the synesthesia lightning bolt of being startled that I dread so much. This could totally happen and I admit, I get spooked driving in the rain because it feels premonition…ish? I don’t know the adverb for that.

Anyway what’s interesting is, one, that I can’t tell if the car had a stop sign. And two, I get this feeling in my head that I am fucked up somehow. Like, I’m smoking, drinking, or something else, and I experience a home invasion, and decide to drive away from the property to get away from the area. Or, maybe someone I love experiences an emergency and needs a rescue. Good intentions. I get into my car and decide to drive. I know that I shouldn’t because of my intoxication state, but it’s an emergency. Maybe I’m the one that passes a stop sign. All I see is that it’s raining, and suddenly there are a pair of head lights that T-bone me from my left at a high speed.

Thankfully, I can logic my way out of this thinking- before this rainy driving scenario, there have been two other scenarios that I’ve fixated on long-term and each time, was convinced that was the method that I was going to die, and it’s going to happen soon. So I’d better start preparing. I therefore deem the rainy car wreck scenario MANUFACTURED and not to be taken as premonition or truth.

Second thing I take it to mean is, Lauren, if you’re cozy at home thinking all is well and you experience an emergency, do you really want to be fucked up when it happens? Probably no I don’t. It’s so strange how every time I’m sober, I can’t wait for the next time I smoke weed. And then when I smoke, I wish I hadn’t smoked weed and could just switch my mood off and on sober instead of rely on substances to help me feel something different or break me out of a funk. Different blog for some day.

Finally, the third thing I get from these fantasies is, if I experience an emergency no matter if I’m sober or partying, do I feel equipped with the skills to stand a fighting chance? Will I keep my cool or will I freeze? Am I strong and flexible, and do I have endurance, if my adversary is a human? Do I know where to hide if my apartment gets hit by a tornado? Can I recognize the signs of a tsunami and make people pay attention to me if I spot them? Sadly the answer to all of these is no, and it’s a wake-up call. It’s a wake-up call every time I have this discussion with myself (and whenever I allow my thought spider web to progress all the way through the bad place) but the thing about vices, is that the lessons dissipate if we don’t enact them immediately.

So loud note to self, because I know I am impulsive, resist the urge to make exceptions for safety while doing something that could make you a hazard, even for emergencies. And perhaps if I want to try mind-altering substances, I need “being responsible” to include preparations like, knowing by heart what I need to do for common emergencies. Making sure I have someone sober around me so I can enjoy myself. And having a variety of hobbies scattered around to redirect my attention when I feel the cyclical thought pattern starting to suck the happies out of me and defeat whatever my intention was for partying in the first place.

And then, PREPARE. I need to be strong and I need to be flexible. And also, I need to be relaxed in the face of stress. The third one I haven’t had a chance recently to test, but when I got T-boned November ‘22, it was very hard for me to think in the subsequent moments after it happened. Actually not true, it was hard for me to be bothered to spend my energy having a conversation with EMS dispatch. I thought to myself, “I just need a second, the emergency thing that my car just called on my behalf will understand if I’m silent for just a second.” Thank god D totally took charge communicating even though HIS side of the car was hit. He showed real leadership that night while all I felt was a mix of being able to comprehend what was happening, but not being able to words and shaking too much to perform any motor functions. Another different blog for some day.

I need to be physically strong. There’s got to be a sport that’s perfect for me. I need something where I dart around, something where I’m on a team, something that requires hand/eye coordination, and something that requires body strength and flexibility. But NOT something that will dirty up my hands…. (gyms and rock climbing, etc. Two sports I used to love when I was less neurotic). This is the criteria for my perfect sport, avoiding neuroses that will make me not want to work hard, and harnessing the types of moves that I crave doing.

Take a breather! Almost done.

So how does all of this tie into the title?

Well, that’s where self-obsession to the point of borderline-narcissism comes in and it feels a little gross to talk about because if I were an outsider, it would come off a certain way. The last few months, I finally feel like my negative tendencies are sloughing off. I’m listening better, I’m devoted to things, I have direction, I can be myself with anyone, and my fervor for building has returned.

As a result, I’ve been blowing up creatively. Tapping into what I create when I get totally lost in something. For once, FINALLY, not caring how good or bad it is. Not caring if it’s perfect and tidy and curated. With music, I love imperfection and hiccups. And with art, I love “mistakes”. It feels nice to just advocate for that. To not feel like I have to play something 100 times until it’s recorded perfectly cleanly because that’s what everyone else does and what is expected. To not feel like I have to be able to draw objects that already exist, and that it’s okay to be weird with art and to do it because I’m a toddler that likes to color.

As a result of feeling like I’m finally buildling again, up to things in the world, it feels as though my demeanor has changed and that if I really wanted to, I could probably make an enormous difference on the world, either by writing music that moves me, creating art that is unique and special, or writing words that resonate with people. Here I am, about 3 weeks into the whole “making a living doing art” endeavor, and I’m already thinking about how cool of a Christmas present it would be to be able to present my dad some award or contract that means to both of us that I’ve officially “made it” with music. It’s hard to do that without selling out or running into 4th album syndrome. (4th album syndrome: When a band gets privy to their most beloved elements and start chopping out the excess when they write. It really could go either way. The best album yet, or more commonly, a streamlined, curated sound devoid of quirks and space… /rant).

But, what if, now that I can clearly visualize the future that I want, with my ultimate end goal being to help people realize that it’s okay to look inward and as a result, prevent human tragedies and violence, my own life tragically gets cut short by a tragedy or I experience crippling violence before I say the key things that I’d need to say in order to make a major impact on humanity? What if I die before I discover those? What if I have to die for the people that need my brand of relatedness to finally discover my words? What a tragedy that would be.

And that’s why it feels arrogant and narcissistic to think like this. Like I’m THAT important. What hubris. That’s how I think it sounds from the outside, at least. But ultimately, the fear is about not realizing my maximum impact on the world when I finally, after a three-decade wait, feel that I’m on the best path to do so. This is where I get stuck. This is the cause of the bad place, and the cause of my procrastination. If I achieve success sooner, will the universe take me sooner? Hail science and all but sometimes I wish the logic of randomness and coincidence stuck with me through my illogical breakdowns.

So anyway, I’m proud of my progress self-actualizing. It’s not that I want to be famous- in fact, the opposite. I was thinking of making this blog anonymous. And it’s not that I think I have power that other people don’t have- because I’m just journalizing and squeaking out imperfect art. I’m just scared that if I dream too big, my life will be cut short. Or that, because I waited too long to take action in my 20s and early 30s, I made WAY less of an impact before my fated death at age whatever. If I burn too brightly, I will attract an “only the good die young” situation. I question maybe I should always be just a little bit of a prick to ward off the “only the good die young” spirits that work for Murphy and his Law. But also, you know, maybe I’m not that great of a person as I think I am either, and I have no right to question whether the universe has sentience, makes decisions, and would be out to get me once I’ve just started to to get a taste of my “full potential”.

Stuff to think about.

Do other people deal with this? I have to stop writing for today. Time of end, 3:38a.

Source, my official blog: www.todaysthinks.com/blog

#journal #fear #trauma #psychosis #neuroses #existential dread #murphy's law #fear of success #dark thoughts #am i broken? #why am i like this #fear of death #full potential

[agracefulfall]

There's been so many thoughts, so many feelings. All of it messy, all of it one big long breathless scream. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Except that dancing seems to help.

#personal #musings #neuroses #im just yapping #what is this #i dont even know

[ehj3]

BAD RATTITUDE

“So in every individual the two trends, one towards personal happiness and the other unity with the rest of humanity, must contend with each other.” —Sigmund Freud This drawing is based on one I made decades ago. I called that one “Rat With a Bad Attitude.” It was an ink-on-paper sketch of a rat with half a box, only three sides, strapped to its rear end. A corner, you could say, so the drawing…

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#bad attitude #behaviorism #cubicle farm #lab rats #life #life liberty and the pursuit of happiness #neuroses #operant conditioning #rats #science #skinner #work from home

[floxnglox]

Quote of the Day

Yet in order to sustain his creed, contemporary man pays the price in a remarkable lack of introspection. He is blind to the fact that, with all his rationality and efficiency, he is possessed by “powers” that are beyond his control. His gods and demons have not disappeared at all; they have merely got new names. They keep him on the run with restlessness, vague apprehensions, psychological…

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#books #Carl Jung #human experience #humanity #living #modernity #neuroses #psychology #quotes

[robertbrancatelli]

"Gifting"

The holidays are here and people have started their Christmas shopping. In some cases, they’ve already finished. I know someone who does their Christmas shopping a year ahead of time, which I find not only incredibly organized but optimistic. Buying something that far out is a risk. The other person may change, you may change, the significance of the gift may change. In fact, the whole endeavor…

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#Christmas #gifted #gifting #language #neuroses #presents #pretension #to gift

[idealog]

You've been warned, sons of spirit - stop abusing my Girl like a whore

#Christ #Morpheus #Divine #Neurotics #Addicts #Neuroses #Modernity #Tenets #Justice #LAW #One law

[neurosenormal]

Por dentro é tudo tão barulhento...

Por fora igualmente...

Estou cansada de tanto barulho.

#neuroses #consciencia #meus pensamentos #conflitos

[portalpsicanalise]

#authors #psicanálise #psicologia #neuroses

[elegantzombielite]

"A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you’re keeping."

Kenneth Tynan, critic and writer (2nd April 1927-1980)

#athoughtfortoday #Kenneth Tynan #neuroses #secrets #subconscious

[ala-adavia]

#anime #anime style #artists on tumblr #nature #airport #waiting room #neuroses

[cat-appreciator]

Whenever I read something (specifically a fictional something) my brain immediately spins up its little hamster wheel and gets to work making an OC to fit in that setting. Doesn’t matter if it’s BnHA or the Imperial Radch or the nameless wizard school ruled by the Witch-Queen of TERF Island (a thousand curses be upon her unspeakable true name) it seems the way my brain interacts with fiction is “but what if my own little guy was there?”. Sometimes (when a protagonist is particularly inept or annoying) it’s “my little guy would do this BETTER, damnit” but often it’s just … “but what if also this?”. The protagonists are … fine I guess? But I’m not like ride or die for them mostly? I have more strong feelings about ships I don’t like than ships I *do* like.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Anhedonia? Fear of close relationships? A lack of representation for my specific cranky queer neurodivergent ass? Too much time in role playing BBSes at a formative age? I guess really the question I’m asking is “is anyone else like this?”

And then I don’t get around to writing it, because my neuroses around writing have grown a protective cladding of neuroses of their own, and those neuroses have erected a fence to prevent the possibility of me ever being confronted with them. Brains are stupid and we should be like sea sponges and do away with them, communicate internally with bioluminescence and networks of fiber-optic glass.

#fanfiction #fanfic #writing #neuroses #idk avoidant personality disorder probably #does anyone else have an oc-shaped plug in their head #and is constantly trying to find media with an oc-shaped socket #or is it just me #oc #ocs #my ocs #writing advice

[afragmentada]

"Meu maior problema é ser autocrítica ao ponto de acabar comigo para extrair o meu melhor se for necessário.

Tento ser compreensiva com o mundo inteiro, mas não me autorizo tolerar minhas falhas. É como se eu tivesse que ser o melhor de mim sempre, e o melhor não é o bom, o melhor tem que ser o extraordinário. E ainda assim quando é extraordinário, não é nada além do que minha obrigação.

O que mais odeio nisso, é que quem colocou esse pensamento no meu subconsciente foi uma pessoa que nunca me mostrou o melhor, mas sempre me obrigou a encontrar o melhor de mim.

O que mais me irrita nos pais é a forma como alguns deles exigem o que não entregam e deixam instalados em nós, seus malditos fantasmas."

#traumas #autocritica #neurose #neuroses